The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #756 - Kate Quigley

Episode Date: January 29, 2020

Kate Quigley, a stand up comedian, actress seen on MTV and Playboy TV, and host of the "#DateFails" podcast, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt LIVE in studio.  This podcast is brought to you by:  MeUndies - Go to Meundies.com/JOEY and get 15% off of your first purchase and FREE shipping.  CBD Lion - For all of your CBD needs, from shatter to gummies, go to www.CBDLion.com and use code CHURCH for 20% off.     

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Where the fuck you've been? You look beautiful. I love you. Are those hair extensions? No, it's my hair. It looks beautiful long. Oh, I love you. Thank you.

I was just working out, and then you called me. Here we are. I called because it was just one of those couple days, man. I love that. But we have the best podcast when we just, we're both like, we just need to pick me up. Let's do it. I just need to pick me up.

I want the month and not strong. It's a rough week in L.A. You were talking about gay bodies before. Let's just get it out of the fucking way. Let's get into the gays. We moved here, and we didn't have. with the kid. So when we moved here one night, my wife and I was sitting here, nobody invited this to the Super Bowl party. And we said, let's take a walk around the neighborhood. We walked

around the neighborhood. We walked into this fucking bar and we're sitting there and the game turns on and they got people bringing food. All these guys are bringing food like cakes and for the Super Bowl. For the Super Bowl. And they got a pool table and they had all the food on top of there. And after about 20 minutes in, maybe 30 minutes. I don't know. I'm having a tequila. Whatever the fuck I'm having. I probably got an edible with me. And all of a sudden, my wife goes, you do know we're in a gay box.

And I go, how do you know? She goes, well, fucking, besides the chubby lesbian over there with the military haircut and the flag hanging, they had a flag as a tarp hanging over the thing. And again, I didn't get up and leave.

I had a fucking great time. Sure. I ended up watching the Super Bowl. I ate some food. One guy recognized me from the store. He was an open micer. I'm surprised you're even here. You know, all that shit. I told him my wife was here.

He looked at me, we're sure. That type of shit. That's hilarious. But then, I didn't know. I don't know nothing about the gay culture. Yeah. But then, more and more when we met Eric, and then you have a gay friend,

the Chinese guy, and whatever the fuck. Yeah. Korean. You guys are telling that there's fucking, like, if you were, want to be a conservative gay guy. Like, if you want to be like, you know the people that buy,

you know when the Boston Red Sox go to the World Series? Right, yeah. And people buy Boston hats. Oh, so yeah, they're fair weather. Those are the gay people that go to Santa Monica Boulevard. Yeah, you're right. West Hollywood. They come to the valley.

They come to the valley. Yeah, I didn't discover. It's true. I didn't discover. Now, there's no bar called a mouthful. Oh, no. Okay. Oh, I'm sure there's.

There's, I'm sure. There's a bar called the mouth. That's your friend, your gay friend you talk about? Okay. All I know is I have a gay uncle and his husband who live up the street from here. And after, so I was taking them out to a gay bar after I met up with you one night. You were like, you got to take them to the mouthful. I heard there's a teepee in the back they get their dick sucked or something like that.

Yes. Yeah. My uncle and me spent the whole night trying to find this place. We're like Googling mouthful Los Angeles, West. It's not. There's no place, but there's a place like that. I think the mouthful is like. not the real name of the place

They keep switching them out there They switch names No the gay bar that I went to Here in the Vazza flag So now Which one did you go to? I went to the one around the corner On Burbank Boulevard

The bullet one That's the one no No he was I went to the one right over here There's one before the bullet Which has a flag outside That's the one where I got robbed There's one on Burbank Boulevard

After Vineland and all that shit I dropped Eric off It's the bullet That's the bullet That's the bullet Oh, wait. That's the bullet. That's the one with three rooms.

Now, let me tell you what happened. Okay. Right. Let me tell you what happened. That used to be a Mexican restaurant. Across the street, there's a yellow big violet one, right? But no, that fucking place, the bullet used to be like a Mexican, a, titanium restaurant.

And all of a sudden, what they did was they took this gay bar over here and they switched them. Because that's why they started selling tacos in front of there at night. That place is. That place moved over there. Dude. So I dropped Eric off in there one night. I knew that was the bullet bar, but I knew that somebody in my circle has mentioned,

let me tell you where this gay bar is. I'm going to tell you what the gay bar is. You have to go. But if they realize your story. And after two or three blocks, you got to make a left. And you go into a neighborhood, and it's like warehouses and recording studios.

And back there, you park. Because one night I went to do Eddie Bravo's podcast. And it was there. His podcast started 11. Yeah. And when we came out, me, we were smoking. You couldn't smoke in the studio. This has to be five, six years ago.

So I'm putting all these pieces together now. And at the corner, it was a hoppet. It's on the corner. It's on like a dead end type street. Nobody knows they're there. The purple lights are there. There must have been 20 guys outside with their fucking hats on. And then when I got in the car, that night to leave,

I said, let me see what the fuck it is. And it's like, it's a weird neighborhood. In North Hollywood, it's half residential. But a couple warehouses. I wonder if it's the same location. So this is why I thought that was the mouthful. It's really hit. where John Evan has his jiu-jitsu school.

Back there, across the street is a strip club that nobody talks about. I hear if you go in there with a hundred bucks till around the world, you'll. I don't know what the name is a strip club. What's around the world? Don't look at balls in your asshole and suck. But it's by a woman who's got shot twice.

She just got out of prison. Visible herpes. When I used to go train jiu-jitsu with John Evan, I would see guys going in there for lunchtime and I asked John about that one time I go professor do you ever go over there after class at night and he goes that's not the kind of strip club

but you're right there's two because I always went to strip clubs I go to strip clubs on the road now what do you hear about the strip clubs in the valley you fuck people at the bars Lee said he went to one where there was videos yeah that's the one I thought you were talking about yeah the gay bar

that's the gay bar with Eric there's two in the Valley that I've been to that are both you got to understand like for the people listening like most of us go to gay bars where like straight girls go because guys don't flirt with you but the gay guys love you and everything's happy and bubbly

and rainbows. These are like if like the seediest gay dudes like a gay mob ran a club. That's how it fit. You have to even go down the one you're talking about with the videos. You have to go down a little side alley thing to walk in and then there's three rooms

if they think you're straight or if you're me they didn't even what like they wouldn't let me in the back room the back room is like the sex like everybody's fucking I think that's your TP thing I think he might

I think you might have gone to his side one because the one that we're talking about the bullet you just go right on on Burbank and they let me right in did they charge you a cover? No but it was an off night after I've only went once

wait but is this a one with the video screens and the porn playing everywhere that's the same one I would One on Burbank by the Chinese. By our old office, sort of. They probably didn't let you in the back. Somebody's got to tell you about the back. Oh, no, I went to the back with the tent.

I didn't go in the tent. You went all the way back there? Yeah. They totally gave you a gay pass. They would not even let me in. My buddy took me on a tour. I was with two gay dudes, and a guy was very, like, you never think at a gay bar, a guy's going to step to you and be mean.

Because, you know, that happens at straight bars. I love it. I had the best experience. Everyone was so nice to me there. He took me around. It was raining, so I don't think anyone was in the tent that night. But I was so... I didn't get to see the tent.

It's it. It looks like one of those homeless tents under the bridges. It's like it's barely standing up. I can't imagine what it smells like in that tent. Men's feet, men's ass, and like dead sperm on the floor. Because the jizz just comes out of their muffler. Do you want me to show you? Do you have pictures?

I don't want you to show me. Not the tent, but I know you hate Yelp, but they have the best. Yelp. Really? All right. Let's read the Yelp review. They have, they have. This is what goes on and guys like me don't know this should exist.

So when I found out about all these stories and then my gay neighbor and his stories, I was like, there's a secret foundation. Dude. There's like a secret island of my, that goes on in the valley. My gay bestie, he'll do like, you know, some people have the like party for a week and then take two, three weeks and not do anything at all. Then they'll do like a bender. He does that with fucking dudes.

And it's the funniest. I mean, we were on the road together at two in the afternoon. He's like, hey, do you mind if I go up the street? This guy on Grindr, he wants to hook up. I'll be back in like an hour. I'm like, you just found a stranger to go fuck like an appointment? He's like, yeah, but I'll be back. Then he comes back.

Then he comes back. Then later he's like, I have a date. I'm like, when? He's like, in an hour. He went on two fuck dates before the show and another one after the show. Is this it? This is my favorite yelp in the entire world. I can't tell if this is the one.

Wait, this is in Santa Corita. This is in Burbank. Oh, my God. Just knowing that Lee was on Yelp. Oh, my God. Why were you on Yelp? Did you know what I deal with? Did you review this bar?

I looked it up because look at this stuff. They had a photo. Leather dog, oh, this is awesome, though. I love this. I love this. I love all this shit. I grew up in that.

New York was eccentric for the shit. No, this is awesome. They were doing this when you weren't allowed to be gay in New York when I was a kid. You couldn't tell people you could be gay in New York. And underground bars. And that's where we'd go. I would go to one in Guttenberg, New Jersey, to get Coke. And they would fucking be doing disgusting stuff in there.

Who's that guy? I know that guy. Sorry. Bears, whatever. Oh, my God. Who's that? I know him. Let's read the re-up.

Who is that? Let's see, let's go the, I don't check the review. I was immediately contacted by Madeline. Wait, let's read some of the reviews, yeah. Just visit it for the... Hold on. Just say yes to everything. That's the best.

The staff bartender's. Oh, my God. How is there a yelp review for gay bars? Ladies and gentlemen, I am learning something. Just say yes to everything. The staff, the bartenders, even the patrons, all great, all smiles, all loving and downright needs. needed is the part of town.

I can only hope this is all in the wall stays. That's a gay guy's review. My reviews. It might be generous with the use of adjectives, but I take the bullet over the we hold joint hands down to no hesitation. Come on by and see the valley vibes are all about. I wanted to go, but as soon as I walk on the Saturday, the place needed, wreaked of cigarette smoke.

How is that legal? You're getting fucked in the ass. What do you do a fuck? Keep scrolling. I've been prolonged Yelp hiatus Because can you go a little down more You know I'm blind

The other way Dive bar You're going away Go up more Up the other way From the top There you go I've been on a prolonged yelps hiatus

Because I found that So this thing is tragedy You ran this mob like even And their user base consists of goons threatening They use the platform Whatever the fuck Are these people being paid?

I want to see the menu Brenda not your fashion Nova outfit Notwithstanding, I simply adore this place. Make no mistake about it. This place is a dive. Someone ruffed inside a while back ago and it smelled like throw up for a solid. The bathroom four is constantly covered in an inch of putrid butt light and prep-scented urine. You can live out your brisket fantasies and get caramel crushed smoked in the semi-covered patio.

But the character, top knots, this one of a dying breed of gay bars. Everyone now wants fancy cocktails And they'll drink by themselves Tucked away in a corner While thumbing through the hookup apps And drug-drag performers This plays as a runchy old school Skin Flicks and locals

That actually strike a conversation with you It has a special night that caters To many whims and subcultures In the LGBT community Underbear is a personal favorite To Ugar-Hazit men It has some of the nicest bartenders ever met the gay bar and a decent

Sunday beer break. While you may be hard-pressed of Sauvignon beverage, you had a Chi-Chi bar, this place is legit and there's always parking around the neighborhood. That's the dive bar. Welcome all the chief drinks.

Awesome place to just have a drink and chill who wears some nights, have special events and there's a cover. Also adult movies play on the screen. I love it. This one of a few gay bars in the valley, but probably the best. The staff is beyond friendly and will greet you with a smile and stiff court. And this neighborhood bar great events,

bare nights with soul music Sundays, drag bingo, movie nights, even PJ Underway events. It's a great scene without the WeHo attitude. Went for Underbear Night for the first time. I will be back. What is it?

Under Bear Night. We got to look this up. What the hell is that? Levi Leather Gay Barney and Tyler Sangus area. Intimate, friendly, and full of good times. Keep scrolling. You miss the best part. For the Under Baron Night, I will be back.

Had so much fun. Hot guys, yummy shots. Also, the tent. Oh, my God. This is fucking crazy, ladies and gentlemen. Wait, but here's the best. I went on a trans night, and I've never gotten hit on more in my life,

not at a straight bar. Now, what's a trans night? Trans night is just, it's... And there's the name of Kate. We're not offending anyone. No, no, no. That was what they called it. Transnate.

It was like the performers, there were dancers, and they were all transgender. dancers. I don't know if they were post-op, pre-op what, but I just thought it was interesting that I got hit on more than I ever have at a straight bar, a sports bar, and I was like, I wonder if they think I'm trans or if they think I'm a girl. Like, I wanted to ask people, but I didn't want to offend anyone, so I just didn't. But I've never gotten more action. Like, I left feeling like a million bucks. I mean, I didn't hook up, but I felt great about it. And you imagine I got up a guy with a big

fucking dick. What would you do if he had tits and he took you home and he had like a 12 Inchcock. If I didn't notice the tits before I got there, you mean? No, no, he's transgender. Depends what he looks like. No, but he's saying I wouldn't, if I saw the tits right away, I wouldn't probably go home with her because I would think it was a girl and I only go home with girls when it's like a guy girl scenario.

Well, this is it. This is the perfect combination. That's like in and out, the burger with the fries. You know what I'm saying? I mean, but if I went home with a hot guy and then it turned out he was, he had little boobs little ones I didn't notice I mean at that point I'd probably be drunk enough I'd probably still do it if I was turned on it depends but if I go home with a stranger I'm pretty desperate in the first place how's it been with you have a boyfriend

yeah or is this no boyfriend I have a crush no boyfriend but I did have my first ever real legit one-night stand in Phoenix oops I shouldn't have said where give me caveat though that you said when you came in I said that wasn't a football player but the only reason I said that is because that I feel like shouldn't count because that's like an accomplishment. You know what I mean? That'd be like if you hooked up with like a

like Victoria's Secret model, that doesn't count as a one night stand. That's like... That's never going to happen. But I mean, you wouldn't call that a one night stand. You'd call that like a bucket list goal. And I've only hooked up with... Lee. Anyway. You hooked up with whole fucking football.

No, I have not. No, I haven't. No, I haven't. has your fucking phone number. Yeah, phone number, but I don't hook up with that. No, they just have your phone number because they want to talk to you about counseling. We're friends. I'm surprised you haven't sucked that Antonio Brown's dick.

I'm really sick. You had to hear him yelling at his wife. No. I'm like that could have been Kate right now. You fucking dirty whore. I know. Poppy, I love you when he told the kid. Poppy, I love you.

You fucking prejudice cops. I'm surprised you haven't dated Antonio Brown. I was so, I was actually. You should fucking look him down. Get his number. What? No. I'm trying to do better, Joey.

You just went on a blind date with one of Paulie Shores friends, and you can't do me your favor and go on a blind date with Antonio Brown. I mean, I'll go for you. He's a nice guy. I'll go for you. He's a nice guy. He's got a little bit of money left. You can take it all.

It's not a blind date because I know what he looks like. He's a handsome dude. He's got burnt black feet. Joey. He does. He does. He does. He burnt his feet in a fucking.

He got frostbite. Frostbite in a fucking cryotherapy when there with no socks on, which. Listen, I go in there and I'm scared. I got to wear the fucking eye sock. I couldn't even go to freeze because I couldn't put my chubby fucking hamstring sock. It's got to be above the hamstring. It's got to be above the Achilles tendon. Because your Achilles tendon will freeze in the cryotherapy.

How he went in there barefoot is beyond me. That is the guy that you're looking for. That is the guy we should have fixed you up with a long time. I'm not going to lie. Get Antonio Brown on the phone. Let's get him on the Twitter. We have somebody who wants a day. He just got off house arrest.

Guys, I'm trying so hard. How sad is it that I asked a guy the other day that I'm like just talking to? I said, I said I only have one question. Have you ever been to jail for hitting a woman? And he said no. But then I was thinking like how sad it is that that's like where my love life is at.

That that's like my, that's my, you know, bare minimum for what I need out of a guy. So back to this hookup. How did it go down? Okay. I never hooked up on the road. Don't miss out of fucking detail here because I got to investigate this.

Okay. I never hook up. You know, I've hooked up on the road, but even when I have, it's always like on the second or third time I meet the guy. Like, I make these poor guys actually like, it's almost like they have to date me to even hook up on the road. They come two nights or three nights.

This was the first ever, like, we did the show Sunday night. After the show, we were planning fully to drive back to L.A. The car was packed. We were like, we gave the condo keys back. we were leaving. And then what happened was there was a guy in the audience

of my show who I thought was cute. And that never happens. And we started talking and we had a mutual friend. So then I said to Aden, my opener, I said, listen,

I kind of wanted to talk to this guy a little longer. Can we just do one drink down the street, half an hour at the blue martini and we'll bounce? And he's like, okay, we go into the blue martini.

It was a private party for some kind of like R&B hip hop group and it was just packed with like hot, young black dudes. And you know, it's not like I only like black, but you know I kind of like black dudes. So when I walked in and said,

I was there with a guy already. Well, yeah, I wasn't there with a guy. It was a group. He had his whole group of friends. But when we came in, I talked to him for a little while, the guy I came in with. And then I started to get distracted by other people. And then Aiden's like, hey, Kate, we should probably get going.

And I said, Aiden, I think I'm going to fuck somebody here. I never do that. I've never done it. And he was like, do you feel like you really need it? And I was like, I kind of do. It's been like a month. I'm really horny. Which means two hours.

No, Joey. It had been like a month. The last guy was... Last night I called Legally, how much money we got? Tell me the truth. I'm thinking opening up a restaurant with you and Steve Simone. Whatever number you told me, I told him it's 10,000 more. Come on.

Because I know you, I don't lie about this stuff. It's not that you lie. It's that, you know, you never want to show me the full hand. No, I don't, I show you, I'll tell you, you know that, I tell you everything. I really hadn't, the last guy was the guy that I put this. How does a one-night stand to happen? I mean, that's what's crazy. It's been so fucking weird now with me too and how you have to be careful with people.

You know, we say these stories on the road, not to interrupt you or anything like this. That's okay. We had this situation a couple weeks ago that I thought of. a guest on the podcast, a former guest of ours on the podcast, not a bad guy, musician, gets accused of dating a 16-year-old girl. I read the article. The first thing I remember was, you really want me to tell you, I remember thinking about Paris Hilton on David Letterman.

She does an interview on David Letterman when she was hot, when she was getting into trouble, this added 50 years ago. And she goes, so when did you start being a party deeve? And she was, I was basically 14. I'm sure she was. Okay, she goes, what would you do? And she goes, I would sneak out of my window at night and go to all the top clubs in the city. You know, no, let me ask you a question, Kate.

Let's be honest amongst us as human beings. I mean, not me because it never happened to me. One time it happened to me. But when you're 15, Kate, Do you go out to fuck a 15-year-old guy when you went out? I was on a mission. Every guy had to be like four years old. Yeah.

Your freshman, you go for the seniors. And after that, you're- kind of weird. You know, so I'm thinking of these allegations that he dated it through high school. I'm thinking about Don Johnson marrying, Melanie Griffin when she was 17. I'm thinking about the 70s

when it was rumored that if right now in the 70s, you could actually charge Jimmy's. page with statutory rape because he dated a 14 year old that he took with him on the road. That's a little young. He was on the States. You know, if a girl,

you know, but if she looks 18, maybe. I mean, I have a daughter, so I get it. I get the whole thing. But this is something that, you know, right now, we're going through some tough times now. You got to watch with you. You know, listen, we're entertainers. If you want me to fucking sit here as a comedian

and tell you that in 28 years, especially on those fucking triple runs. Let me tell you something. Those triple runs are pure. It's a three-week sex run. Yeah, there's no way that someone didn't lie to you about their age.

I'm telling you right now, I am not a good-looking guy and I'm telling you, no, I'm not even talking about dating younger women. I'm talking about as comedians here. When you go on a triple run, I will send you on a triple run that you will come back and go, fucking Billings, Montana. I've seen it.

I've seen it, because, when I would go on the road with Jack and even even like the local host, not to be a dick to say like the host shouldn't, but I mean like if you're on stage at a comedy club after the show, the audience girls that are there that are single and buzzed will flirt with you. It doesn't matter

what you look like. Oh my God. It doesn't matter what you did. I have stories that upon stories. Oh, I've seen it. It's crazy. And you sit there and go how did this even happen? I'm not even a good looking guy. What would have happened if I look like George Michael? I would have

fucking... Everybody. Anybody. All you had to do in those days, Lee, was do the triple gig, kill. Kill? Which, you...

You don't even really have to kill. And you go to the bar and afterward it would be Ladies' Night. The show has to end the 10. Totally. You're in Billings, Montana. Oh, there's nothing else to do. The bar closes at two.

There's only two bars in the town. It's Ladies' Night. There's 90 women there, and there's a certain type of woman that has a fetish that she will take you home, lead, light your asshole on fire, suck your dick let her come out of face

and the next day she goes to work and you leave she'll give you a number you call it's a bum number what that means is she has a fetish that she just likes the fuck and move on I don't even know if it's like even a fetish as much as because this time when I did it oh I can tell you the secret

to how the guy got laid because like people can use this which I can't believe it worked on me in hindsight I must have been drunk as shit we're at the club and there's a guy that's trying to talk to me the whole night who's totally cock-blocking me. And by the way, Aiden, my gay bestie, kind of fucked me because when he left to go back

to the condo, he handed the keys to this guy and he said, can you make sure she gets back safe? So I was so cock-blocked, right? So this guy won't leave me alone. And there's this guy I see over his shoulder that's checking me out and he's hot. And so I keep like kind of smiling at him hoping he'll come over. So he waits for the dude that's watching me to go to the bathroom. He comes up. He's like, is that your guy?

I'm like, no, he's totally cock-blocking me. Like, I kind of want to get out of here. Like, this sucks. And he's like, let me get your number. He's like, I'm here with some buddies. We're going to leave soon. I'll text you. He walks off.

Then my dude that's watching me comes back and the bar starts closing down. So he's like, okay, it's time to go. So I didn't know what to do because I wanted to go home with the other guy or at least go do after party something. So I made up a story. Oh, God, he's not listening to this. Oh, whatever. I made up a story that my friend was going to come pick me up. And we were going to go to some after party. So I was like, you can just give me the condo keys and take off. And so he did. And then I looked for the other guy and he was talking to another chick.

And the chick and him were all like about to leave together. So then I was like, fuck. If they leave, what am I going to do? I'm like, I got to get him. It became an instant competition. He was brilliant. because what happened is then I kind of walked up I was like hey I just wanted to say goodbye and he was in a group it wasn't just him and a chick but he turned around he's like oh you're leaving I'm like yeah he's like oh I'll go with you I only walked up to him because he was with a chick

if I hadn't seen him or if he'd been like just with boys I probably wouldn't have but he was with another chick and made me like oh shit I kind of she's hot maybe he's hot maybe I should bang this guy so I get him we leave we take an Uber and here's what's funny I was trying to go to

after party so I was nervous to go home with a stranger. But the Uber ride around, he was so, like, nice and funny. Like, first of all, he wanted food. More than he wanted sex, he was like, I really want to get, like, Carl's Jr. Like, he just wanted food so bad.

I'm like, this guy's safe. Like, no, any guy that wants a burger more than he wants to fuck a stranger is, like, not that desperate to get laid, not going to rape you, right? So we go, he buys me food. Then we go to his place. And he was just, he was really respectful. He was kind of distant. He asked me a lot of questions.

He stayed on kind of farther away from me until he kind of, like, until I felt safe. And then he was like, you know, I don't expect anything. You can go anytime if you don't want to stay in the night. Like, don't feel pressure or whatever. That's the move. That's the move. That's the word. I told my girlfriend yesterday, I go, there was this guy I went home with once.

And I literally was in bed with him, making out. And I said, look, this is only like the second time we've hung out. I just, I don't think I want to sleep with you yet. but I kind of like you. And he goes, hey, I want you to do whatever makes you want to stick around for a long time. If that means we wait, we wait. He's like, I just think you're amazing. So whatever makes you want to stay.

And I fucked him. Some guys are slick and slick. It's when you got to. I never fuck him again, by the whole sex game is such a psychological fucking game at the end of the day. It really is like that whole, I'm happy. I'm out of it. It's embarrassing. Isn't that a one-night stand, by the way?

Which one? The one you just mentioned? A whole lot. No, but no. That one's not because that's a person that I'm actually like still friends with. That doesn't matter? Well, we made out a few times after that, but we never had sex again. Well, like, because you don't really do the apps that much, right?

Because that's like, I've had probably more one-night stands than relationships, I would guess. Well, guys get more one-night stands off those apps. I think, I don't know. I mean, I could never hit up a dude on it. app and I got to have the chemistry that's why I got to talk to for a little first. But even the girls on the app, they always say they want a relationship. I go expecting a relationship.

Like expecting it to be a date, at least. And then like you hook up like the first or the second time and then you never hear from them. My thing is that's weird is even with the NFL guy, by the way, there's only one. Even with the NFL guy. Like I, when I meet these guys, I make them talk to me for like two hours. I got to feel like I know him a little before I can fuck. Hold on.

Let's go back to the one night stand. So now he says, but, you can leave. What do you do? You take his shirt off. He's cute. I kind of liked him.

But here's the other thing. I started to like him. Okay. He has kids. He's divorced. He's a sweet guy. Like, there were things about him.

I liked. He's not in the business. He works in like corporate America. And so then I started thinking, maybe I could date this guy. Like Phoenix isn't that far. So then I was like, I'll stay the night.

And he's real hot. And then I'm like, and if we don't date, you know, who cares? I'll just, he seems safe. So what was the next move? So then we started making out and then, you know,

I was one that was like, you want to go upstairs? We were making out for so long. And we were ever going to take me upstairs? I had to do everything. That was the one thing. I like guys to make the move. And there's been a lot of guys

that I've gone out many times with and they never made the move because they were chicken shit and it never happened and I would have probably fucked him. But in this case, I was just really horny. I don't know.

I'm getting to that age. I'm horrid. It's like, and I'm not saying this. Like, people always talk shit. Like Kate just talks about sex. I'm just saying because my age, it's. How old are you now? Kate.

Don't make me tell that. 37. I don't want to tell. I'm not telling. 37. I'm not telling. Yes. It's, it's, uh.

It's spilled. I'm so upset. I'm an old man now, but I've been through, you know, we, I've lived all those years. I'll never forget sleeping with women my age for a while. like, you know, until I was 21. No, I'm lying to you guys until I was 19. And then when I was 19, I went to Basar, Colorado.

I've been there. And two girls moved that next to us. And they couldn't be on her. They were sisters. One was 29, and the other one was 26. They were Italian girls from Milwaukee. And I could look you straight in the face gate and tell you that I was like

at 19 I'm like I'm not fucking my neighbors and there was why just I just knew that it was it was only four houses on that block oh you mean we were connected not because of their age because you just didn't want to fuck your neighbors they were both

they were both beautiful I mean just looking at them they were both honestly I think it's probably the best they came over and knocked on the door and said hi we're Mimi and lily we moved in next door with four guys that are fucking killers okay from North Bergen, New Jersey

one guy could fuck anything and I'll never forget that these girls used to come over every night at six smoked pot with us they would make potato salad whatever they would make like I swear to God

I don't know how they did it You're so Jersey This was the crazy This is not Jersey This is the salt Colorado And then another woman would come home with my friend. She was married, happily married,

and she would come over to our house every night, every night at 6 o'clock, we would have four or five women watching TV with us, and nobody would hit on these women. It was like we had become a family. That's cool. It was the weirdest thing. I have that with people.

But the 29-year-old, I would look at her and she would say things to me. Like? You need to get a girlfriend. Like she would just say a little thing. Because otherwise she would. No, no, no, no, no. It was the weirdest thing.

Like, I'd never hit on her. That's weird. I never looked at it like that. In fact, if anything, I liked her younger sister. A younger sister, I saw her sunbathing one day, and she had the hairiest pussy I had ever seen. You love that. It was coming through.

You want like an Afro growing out of there. It was coming through the shorts. At that time, I was 19. I was very easily impressed. I was very easily impressed. How much hair would you, like? like a love down there like you want like tons. She had like a couple of pubs sticking out of the bikini type hair like.

Ew. She was Italian. I knew what it would smell like. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to say, ooh. You know, I mean, she was a beautiful girl. And this is just what happens. This is what happens in life.

I controlled myself. We were neighbors for months. What choice do you have? And one day I started talking to the older sister at night. She was a liquor chick. She worked, she was a, she was a winer. expert. She was 29. She was 29. Her and I had nothing

to talk about. In common. But I think I hit the bag outside and she would pull up at a quarter of ten and then she would bring me like an apple and stuff like that. We would talk and she would smoke a cigarette and talk to me and she would say I wish I could date a guy. And we became friends and that

went on for two months and then we all went to Glenwood Springs and I saw her in a bikini. And I I was like, if I thought the younger sister was hot, what do we got here? Nice. And I was like, you know what, I got to be cool. But she also cut hair.

That was her thing. She cut hair. So I needed a haircut, so she had cut my hair. And one day, we're having a conversation. I see her, and I go, you're off today? She goes, yeah, go, if I give you $10, you give me a haircut, she's like, absolutely come over. Her sister was upstairs. Tia, Leah, something's coming back to me now.

this hot woman is cutting my hair with this brunette hair cut. Her boobs are like pushing on in the back of your head. She had great boobs. She had great boobs. I would keep my hands to my side. I was embarrassed. I was kind of nervous.

And she asked me, what is the point with you? Why don't you at least go out and try to get a girlfriend? I go, what is it with you and me getting a fucking girlfriend? Yeah, what is it? She goes, you're a young guy

and you're fun to be around. You should have 20 girlfriends. And she's just flirting. And I go, no, I go, okay, would you go on a date with me? And she goes, in a fucking heartbeat. Damn. You're full of shit. Cougar.

She goes, try me. She goes trying me. You were 19? I was 19. I was 19. You couldn't even drink yet legally. And she had on like a shorts or something. She goes, try me.

And I go, what do you mean? She grabbed my hand and put it on her like a pussy. And she goes, so what are you going to take me on a date? I was like, tonight. You know what? And I took it to like a bar. Yeah? I took her to a bar, like a country western bar in Carbondale, like a gentleman.

And I was real legit. And I'm like, she let me touch her pussy. I don't know what my next step is. Like, I did not know what my next step was as a man. I had never been involved in this situation. before. Wait. I was always the aggressor. Oh, I see. That's when I realized I'm the aggressor. Is that a fun position for a woman occasionally? That's why women love Halloween. While we were eating, while we were drinking, she said to me, we're going to have it. We started

snorting. And she goes, by the way, I stopped at the pharmacy and I got a sponge. And I go, a sponge. Why would somebody tell me? I didn't know what it is. I didn't know what a sponge was, right? It's 1983. I'm a dumb fuck. I'm telling you. I'm telling you. years later? Who uses those also? I'm a dumb fuck. Yeah. She goes, I got a sponge

who will be safe tonight. I sat there just staring at my drink like a little girl, bro. Were you nervous, intimidated because of our age? I don't think I want to come home. Like, I'm trying to get, I was like you last week trying to get out of it.

I don't know how I'm going to get myself out of this. I was trying to get away from the cocklocker. I was trying to get away from the other dude. And all of a sudden we had a couple more beers. We had a couple more fucking bumps. And she goes, you're ready to go. And I was like, I guess. I love it.

She's given a nice. 19 year old who had the blow you or her she did we cop hilarious we stood like a grab i mean 19 i was legal as fuck you were i was legal as fuck she had to drink she could do whatever the fuck you wanted i loved it like below isn't legal for either of us with a bill though i wouldn't have oh my god yes you would she took me home she goes let's go upstairs we went up her sister was there it was like nothing it was like nothing happened we went upstairs we went into into the kitchen area we spoke with her sister and she goes away at bedtime you ready

and I'm like I guess and she took me upstairs and we went all night on the blow and then we became like an item shut up dog it was like you're like J-Lo and our little boyfriends

I'll see you I'll see you tonight we stayed up the whole night until 8 in the morning I had never done that with a woman before my whole fucking night I was blown away like she was like Mrs. Robinson.

We fucked, we talked, we talked, we talked, we fucked, we talked. And then she made breakfast. I went two doors down. She went to work. And then every night, I would go over there at 10, fuck her, we eat. And then I moved. Oh, to where? And I was like, thank God.

I moved to Snowmass Village, which was about eight or nine miles up the valley on the way to Aspen. And I thought that, and I didn't tell nobody. Like my roommates, I grew up with those motherfuckers. Why didn't you tell anybody? Because in those days, I didn't say nothing. I was raised. I don't know nothing.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Especially if you're getting such a good piece of pussy, you keep your mouth shut where I come from. If some fucking Ugatz is giving you pussy, then you tell you your friends. But when she was prime pussy, she was making me do things. When I get that, I'm like, my good friends?

I'm like, you're like, I believe who I'm. nothing to nobody, and then me. And it was four of us, so two of us moved in together. And he was my Gumba. I loved Jimmy Burkle. God rest is so. I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for him today. He's the one that talked me into leaving, but it was funny.

She worked nice, so she would say, I'll come over at one, and we'll hang until 3.30. I'll take a shower, and then from there, I'll go to your house. I'll go to work. She would work at a place called the Grog Shop. See if it's still there in Aspen. The grog shop. The grog shop was a wine store. Oh.

That was like fucking. That sounds familiar actually. Listen, if you went in there, you dropped 100. Whether you want it or not. I think I'm in there. In 1983, you dropped 100. It was all the way at the end in the corner. Mm-hmm.

And what was, what street was on? Galena. I think it's still there. It says, uh, Durant. Let me check it. Durant. Yeah. Dog, I know that name, but like, I used to either. I love it.

So sometimes she'd give me a car. Durant in spring. Can you give us a GPS coordinates? It was just, it was fucking, Kate, it was weird, Kate. I mean, like now I see older guys with girls. So then it got to the point where she would, I didn't see her like for like three days. I moved to snow masks. And the first day she called me.

She goes, I'm coming up. I didn't even have a phone. Like, I had to go to the supermarket and call her. Hilarious. And she called and she goes, I'll be up. Let's have a picnic. She's like, why is the pigly-wiggly coming up on color? Snowmass Village is beautiful.

It is beautiful. Let's have a picnic. And I'm like, picnic. I'm from Jersey. I've never had a picnic in my life. A picnic's just code for fucking outside. She brought apples and breed cheese. At that time in my life, I do two times of cheeses.

Three, I was a American, Swiss, and fucking Gabagoo. Who is this? She's just like a princess. I swear to God. She brought that. off like an airplane. She brought crackers. She brought glasses. She brought wine. And at that age, I didn't even understand that. I had to make believe him like, but I enjoyed being outside. And all I want to do is fuck. And I never said that. I got to listen. I love it. You never did it in

a park on a picnic? This was wide open. This is Snowmats Village, 1983. This was, if this was Aspen, I could have fucked her on the street and nobody would a kid. There's other people around. Me too. No, Aspen is just a sex pool. No, I mean where you were with her. Yeah, where I was. It's families. We were outside. I love that.

There was a little lake. Not with families. There was a little lake and I had a little bridge and I would eat mushrooms and sit there by myself sometimes and time to time. And I'll never forget that. We went back to my apartment and we were doing it in the shower and my roommate came home. And he's like, what the fuck you don't take a shit? He went to take a piss. You know, and all of a sudden I'm like, what's going on?

And I opened my shoulder and he's like, oh my God. And he ran out. I came out. We got dressed. He asked me later, he goes, how long has this been going on? And they go, this is what's going on since April. And he goes, you never fucking told me. I go, there's nothing to tell.

I got like a crush on her. She got a crush on me. You're like hanging out. I don't know what we're doing. And we dated straight till 48 hours. How did it? You just moved? That was it?

No. No, it ended. She was a white chick. dog and on the weekends after so what's that mean the first four the first two months it was about fucking and I was being together and doing blow then she wanted to start

to introduce me to her friends she liked you liked you and I did not like that how come because her friends were 30 fucking years old because of her age I was there were 30 years old that's a problem I was what was I I think at that time I was

let's say I was a hard carrier I made $10 an hour A what carrier? A lot carrier? A hard carrier? What's that? I made cement and built brick walls. I fucking was a hard carrier.

I fucking had made $400 a week and my rent was whatever. How could I go in front of 30-year-old women who are successful? Well, some guys would take advantage of that and let the woman take care of them. You're a man. No.

You're a real man. She was like a manager up there. She had like a bobo. A family. family had money. But she would have probably taken all care. I've dated guys that I could tell eventually were kind of using me. I mean, not even younger guys. But you know what's interesting about the whole thing is that I always dated older guys. Always. I was never. That's what I'm saying. Like that's why I don't, I didn't like that sin interview because I, listen, I believe what

happened. I'm not doubting anything. But it's so weird when a girl goes to a rock club at the age of 15. What do you expect you think it's going to happen at the age of 15? I got to think about all these things because I got a daughter that's seven and 15 is right around the fucking corner. You know, times are so different. She already asked me the other day if that her girlfriend goes to a sleepaway camp, if she go to a sleepaway camp. I go, are you ready

to fucking sleep away from us? And she goes, I don't know, I try it. And I go, she never done it? I'll take her home for a night. I won't let her do anything. Joey, I won't let her do anything in my house. I offered him this game table. He's like, is there a pussy juice on it? Can I go smirshund? I'm like, do you think I would fuck on it? Give it to your kid?

If I put my kid at your house, which is the week, she comes back. She would not. I've never had a STD my life. There's an STD living in someone. I've never had STD. You know my list is not that long. I haven't.

How many lists of sperm shots are on that match? Do you know? I sat down with my friend. No, I almost never have guys at my place. One, only if I'm dating, dating them. Only if we're dating. I let them come to my house. I don't want guys to have my address.

I always go to their place so I can leave. I know about five guys you told me you fucked in your house. That's fine. Who? Okay, you can't say who, but no, you don't. That's five loads on your mattress. No, you don't. No, you don't.

On your back on your sheets. The guys, you probably, when you fucking do laundry, the fucking, let me just play some to you. If you send your laundry to DNA 23 and me, you're wrong. You know what they would come back with. You sent a, just one of your keys.

I'm just kidding. I'm kidding. No. You sent one of your sheets to 23 and me, the computer would blow up. They couldn't even decide what nationalities. You know the problem with my love life? You say the shit.

People believe you. It's true. No, it's not. You know it's not. You don't fuck him on the street. You know it's not true. You don't fuck them in their house. You know it's not true.

I know for a guy. Let's go over who's gone to your house. Let's not say their names, but the one comic I dated. The one you didn't like. Your friend from New York. Yeah, yeah. The guy I think is crazy.

He plays cards. I'm not sure. The one that you fucking. Oh yeah. That guy, of course. But we dated, dated, dated. And we still, you know, that's been my longest,

on enough thing in my life. You fucking terrorize his home when the man was sleeping. He has done, he put his gun out in front of me and shot a hole in a wall. Well, wouldn't you if I dated you? No. I'm amazing. I'm not being. I'm not.

I'm amazing. I'm fucking. I'm nice. I'm smart. I'm cute. I don't cheat. Who also has been at your house? The comic you were ashamed of me for dating.

Okay. Okay. And recently, I mean, uh, uh, the M.A fighter, the young one? Uh-uh. Yeah. The one I just told you about? No.

the young, young, young, young one that you robbed the crib with. Don't make me say his name. Don't say his name, but I don't know who you're talking about. I don't think I hooked up with another MMA fighter. Yes, you did at your house. He came on your stomach. So let's just pretend. Who?

No. Let's just pretend six or seven guys. I've never fucked the MMA fighter. Let's say that sperm dripped on your sheet. I did fuck one, but are you talking about the one? Don't worry about who. No names. No names.

I'm not saying nothing bad about it. Young. How young? But you got honest. You're talking about. There's a lot of fucked up sperm on your mattress. There is not, Joey. And it's like little mushrooms. I'm going to kill you.

I'm going to kill. If you separate your two mattresses, smell under the hands. The wizard. That's it. That's bad. That's it. It's like four guys. He's got, he's got to have some disease, a VD.

He doesn't. I got tested after him. But he's got some of his sperm. He's crazy. He's crazy. He's drugs and shit. No, he doesn't. From time to time, people may or may not bring powder over there.

Joey there's condom dust There's nothing in my house like that They just had a report Do you know how longs miss I fucked in my own house? I'm gonna kill you That condoms when you pull them apart Release this particle into the air That could cause some type of carcinogens

For your lungs Of course They were arguing whether or not women Condoms are bad for you You shouldn't use condoms When you banged your suck it with a condom Or you suck it with a condom Are you kidding? Who sucks a dig with a condo?

Okay, thank God Are you insane? I only use condoms when it's someone I know fucks a lot of people because this is the way I think of it and probably I'm going to get complete I hope I don't get like cancel for this but whatever like I mean I don't know what is that to cancel yeah by the pool who does the fuck I have me by the pool it's canceled the show me that's mean I have stuff happening what are the cancel no it'll work with me

you buy the pool with Paulie sure listen who cares we that is mean no it's a true I'm in the same position. What are they going to cancel on me? This? What are they going to do? What are they going to do? That's a good point. What are you going to do?

That's a good point. I can't do stand-up no more. You're right. We got nothing to lose. It's going to be uncanceable. That's why the party is. This is my theory on condoms. That's why this party is so good because you can't fuck with us no more.

I actually said to someone I go, Joey is like unmettoable because everything he says is so offensive that like you're like what's serious, what's not who the fuck knows. Like it's all like you're the only guy who could pull your balls out in front of me after I told you not to and somehow I thought it was awesome and funny instead of non-consent. Listen to me. Listen to me. Listen to me. Everybody, we are comedians. Okay, that's number one. I was just thinking about a time. Where are we going with that? There's a point. I was just thinking about that. You can't babysit mercy? No. You can't babysit mercy. There's a point. If mercy goes in your house, you got to walk in there like one of those Chinese chicks with masks. Condoms. Shut up, Joe.

It's not true. She can't breathe in there. She's going to love my gift. I'm explain some to you. First off, there's got to be a bunch of ghosts in your house. Because those little sperm loads become ghosts. Like at night, do you hear a little, ooh-woo. I am not that many dudes in my house. It doesn't matter. You know why? Because it's a shit hole.

I don't bring millionaires to my house. And I'm most of guys I date have money, so I'm embarrassed to bring them in my apartment, so I never let them see it. That's what guys like to see you in your most miserable way. I'm not miserable. That's why we fuck you like animals. My place is cute. It's just.

When Lee used to date his girl. When they used to tell her, what are you treated like this? She lives under a bridge. Why are you taking her out to? My place is cute. It's just in a bad neighborhood. Okay. You have animals like rats?

No. Okay. There's a raccoon that hangs out. Yeah, no. Going into your house, I got to go into like a Chinese person with a mess. No, Joey. It's really cute, actually. My place is so cute.

Ask, you know who's seen my apartment? You know who actually, you know who looked at the apartment with me? Bobby Lee went and looked at it with me before I run. He's like, this place really cute. But then the neighborhood went downhill. Yeah, but I never fucked him there. Anyway, listen, condoms. No disrespect.

I just got to be honest. It's like, we're wearing in your apartment. Like, people would fuck. That's not true at all. And this is the problem is people believe you. And now probably, like, nice guys that I've talked to will listen to the shit and think it's real. And then they won't date me. Rogan told somebody I have a hoe phone.

I'm going to kill you guys. What is the whole phone? A second phone for hose. I don't have that. I just have two phones. You don't even have a whole four. You weren't like Batman. They flash the fucking light into the sky with a dick.

A big black dick goes in the sky and you all of a sudden get illuminated. Like there's a big black dick. No, I shine the dick for them to come over. Yeah, they come over. Yeah. That's really funny. You can't use that. It's hilarious.

You can use it. It's yours. Here's the thing. Let's talk about this condom thing. I'm passionate about this. What happened with condoms? I think con, here's my argument for condoms. Every STD is cured.

except for herpes. Well, Lee, you have something to say? That's my mind when to get herpes. He needs herpes, so his whole lot life will change. I know tons of people have... You can't just catch it without seeing the outbreak. My point was going to be that the only things that are not curable, HIV and herpes, although HIV is very manageable these days.

I don't have it, but very hard to catch HIV, especially as a straight woman. and herpes, if there's no outbreaks, you can't catch. So basically, I'm like, why use condoms? Pregnancy? But I know I'm not going to have the kid. So then why use a condom? The condoms are protected guy, not me. So this last weekend, you had unprotected sex in Phoenix.

The guy. Technically. Girls, Jr., who care? And you have no, you don't wear protection like I could come or load in you. No, I won't you? Come in me. You don't, nobody to come in you. No, pull out.

If you want to come in me, you got to put a condom. Nobody pulls out. Everybody pulls out. The problem is you're all wrong. Everybody pulls out. It ejaculates. Pre-ajac. Two times before you even think of it.

I got like four more eggs. Okay. I'm just trying to help you out of here. No, in all seriousness. The guy in Phoenix was probably a mistake to not. I do use condoms with guys I don't know normally. I mean, I don't mean, don't know. I mean, if I don't know there's such.

like who else are fucking if I don't know but the thing is this guy told me you know he loved you no but he told me like you know I'm a family guy my kids are here all the time not bring girl like he and I believed him because his place did not have any sign of women but then later you're a monkey oh it was great okay oh night was great it was absolutely great it was total gentleman he was a gentleman through and through which is why it was like even to the end like when I left in the morning he walk me out. Most guys just stay in bed. Did he come in your mouth? No. He didn't?

No, he didn't have time. So why not? Because he pulled out, you know, quick. Well, not quick. The sex wasn't quick. He actually fucked me so long and I was starting get offended. Why? Because I was like, why has me come by now? This is crazy. Usually they come, and

then they can go a lot longer again. Like the second time, like you said. This guy fucked me so long the first time. It kind of made me like... Was he hammer? Uh, man, maybe a little bit. I guess that could be it. That's what I love about you.

I love your honesty. A lot of women wouldn't. Oh, I was worried. I knew a friend, like I told you guys, I had a friend that that was her freak, and I didn't find out until years later. For years, her claim to fame was, I don't have a boyfriend,

guys don't hit on me. It came to the conclusion that for years she was having twosomes out of the road. Twosums? A bartender and the bus boy. Come back to the old. whatever the problem. Two-something.

That's me and you. Years later, stories came out that would just amazing. I don't do it ever. This was the only time I ever hooked up on the road. And I would see her and she would purposely tell me. And one day a bar,

a club owner, said, yeah, she was here a couple weeks ago. She did great, but I was a little suspect about her Friday night. I go, what happened? He goes, she left with some weird guys and the staff told me some weird stuff happened. I go, what happened? Oh, it wasn't too big.

Then I heard it again. I heard it from a club owner in Vegas. I don't ever hook up with anyone who knows anyone ever. No, you can't. In a town that could leave a trail. Like, I don't want any story behind me ever. So if it does happen, which is only happened. It happened there.

Happened with the guy in Vegas in the hot tub, but that guy wasn't, you know, that we hung out three times. But like, they aren't in any way associated with comedy, the club. I don't want a story. Are you ready to settle down? well what does that mean kids one guy always if I like them is enough with this

I mean I'm sure now the guy I like is to listen to this you gotta give you your pussy a break once in a while I don't fuck Joey because I'll tell you what happens let me tell you what I realized the last time I had sex was with the guy that you say I attacked which I didn't and that was months ago I dated a girl

for a long time when I first started dating a pussy had a wheel wang to him because mine doesn't it tastes like skittles And then And then After about two years A pussy changed completely

Three years It got better The pussy gets better Once it's not getting abused Mine has never been abused You are gonna ruin my love life Who's abuse? I didn't say none about it No but you said I have to give it a break

But it always has breaks I barely fuck it all Because when you're home alone You fucking beat it up Oh you mean masturbating even? You gotta give it a little breather Oh I've never done that You got doodles

You hit it with a hammer. How long? No masturbated? No, you told me you had a little clit. You had it with a hammer. I never said I had a little clit. You said one time I tweet that you, why is it so hard for guys to find your clit? And I said, you have a little skinny monkey.

It's tough to go deep in there and find that little skinny clam. He's wrong. I was actually wearing overalls in Orlando and I put on a little weight and I had a really bad camel toe. And a guy came up to me and said, Joey's wrong. wrong. You don't need to lose any weight in your pussy to me in the audience. Wait, you gained a little bit of weight and it went down there? No, but like it made the pants tighter. Oh, okay.

So he could see. So he could see Cameltoe. So then he said that. See, this is why I say, like this guy, things are going actually kind of good with this dude I like. And now he's going to listen this fucking podcast. And believe all. Listen. He's not going to listen. Of course he's going to listen. No, he's not.

Well, he's not now because I'm going to make sure he doesn't. Don't say that. No, definitely listen. Nobody's going to listen to this day. No guy you're going to date. What do you think? These people don't know going in? No what?

That you're a fucking animal, Louroo? I'm an animal. Here's the deal. I'm an animal. And I'm a freak, and I like fun, adventurous sex, but I'm not promiscuous.

There's a difference. I know I always tell stories on here, but that's because we want good stories. But that's my only story from like the last six months. I even told this. What about the three? You didn't tell me about. There's always three stories.

The last three guys I had sex with. Let me think. There's always a, by the way, with you. No, but it's the same. over and over. I don't mind because I love you over and over. I love you to death.

Before that guy, it was the hot tub guy. Every time we come here, it's like I fucked one more dude. Yeah. Never anyone. The time before that, the black dude in Vegas or you puke the time. That's the hot tub guy. Oh, that's way long ago.

Please. Two years ago. Well, what the fuck we're talking about here? That's so long ago. That's three strangers. And he was a supermodel. That doesn't count. I don't count that.

That is an achievement. You know, someday when I'm like 60, now it sounds horish. But if I'm 60 and I'm, I'm like, I fucked. This quarterback, this supermodel, this, is it really embarrassing or is it like, wow, good family? It's a resume.

Like, grandma, how to go on out? It's a short list, but it's an A list. It's not long. My phone just rang and I'm sitting on it. It's speaking up. Oh, Lord. I needed this podcast today. No, I needed this.

No, it's been a, it's been a, it was a, it's been a solemn week. here in LA, you know, and it's going to be even rougher towards the end of the week. There was no time for preaching or talking about your life or reevaluating. This kind of stuff, you know, it just makes you realize that you got to tell people you love them. You got to look at people when they leave and ask them where they're going. So if they do something, God forbid, these are the ones you hate. You know, when you look at your mother right now, Kate, you said your mother's going.

through something. Well, my mom is lupus. She's just getting to the later stage. If she gets to be 90, by the time she gets to be 90, you know you're waiting for the call. The same thing with you. That's Andy 90. I don't wish to me no disrespect anybody at this table or even listening.

But when people go sudden, yeah, of course. It does something to you. It's so hard. Well, it's weird because I was actually thinking about that. I was like, it was fascinating to me because I met him a few times. And it was like interesting to me how much I, because I never particularly, I'm not saying anything bad about him, but I never particularly was like, he's the greatest guy ever. He was fine.

But I still was really broken up when I saw it. It still felt it's interesting how it can affect you when it's such a shock. I woke up in bed and saw his face and was like, what, nah. I landed at 9.30. And the lady said, get ready to land. I thought we still had an hour. I was watching something. I was watching Hustler.

with Jennifer Lopez on the plane. Of course you were. And not a fan of her, I just wanted to see if she deserved it. You are a fan of her. You sing along to her songs in the car. I don't know if I sang along. To J-Lo.

What song? If you have my love and I'm kidding. Is that her? Well, you sang along to some J-Lahs. I worked on the road as a teacher. You did? No, I did not. I have it on tape.

Listen, I worked with a guy. I was a feature act one time in a condo. You know when you're, a feature act and you get put with a headline and that is just crazy. Like you? This guy was like 40 years old. He was

married with kids but the first thing he did when we got to the condo was he put on her. That album was hot. Which album? That J-Lo album. The one I just say? Yeah. I didn't even know if that was her. He put the poster up of her in his room. She's hot as shit.

All week long he listened to that album over and over and over. Interesting. And all he would talk about is how talented she was. She is. She drove me fucking nuts. Anyway, it doesn't really matter about the movie. I just put it on because I'll never watch that movie at home.

So when the girl opened up, when the stewardess said, we'll landing in 30 minutes, the girl opened up the visor. And I said to myself, fuck. It's fucking foggy in L. Oh, yeah, it was. 20 minutes later, we landed. Me and Steve Simone crossed the street. We got in the car and we drove home.

It was actually so foggy that night I went out with Polly. I was driving toward downtown. And the sensor on the car that senses a forward collision, it kept on saying the sensor can't work because of the fog. I mean, it was so bad. I didn't know all this. So I go home. And I put my luggage down.

I put Twitter and it says, Kobe died and I'm like, ha-ha, you know, because there's always something. I didn't think it was real either. And I called my friend who works for the Lakers when I went to Google, because I went to Yahoo! And it wasn't on the Yahoo page yet at all. But there was little mentions on Twitter. I called my friend in his first words where he goes, I'm going to find out who wrote this rumor.

I'm going to fucking take a pipe and go beat them. Yeah, no one believed it. And I go, get back to me, let me know what you're here. And that's what he called me. This is, listen to me, Lee. This is weird. I had to go to CVS. I had to go to Walgreens.

And I went to Walgreens. And when I walked into Walgreens, the two women behind the counter would cry. And all of a sudden, tears rushed to my fucking eyes. I know, me too. It was weird. It was like every death I suffered got hit me. Like, this one was, this one was like.

Because it's so sudden. It's so unexpected, that you're just like, wow, that could be me. And this is the reaction. This is, you go back to being the junkie, fat fuck that I was. As I went on the line, there was a sale for Oreo double-fick with two for $2 for $5. Oh, my God. You can't say no one of that. Two for five, you got to.

And I was ready to pick up the two things. And I go, this is part of my disease. This is who I am. To cheer up? It was either drugs, and then it became the food. This is who I am. And I go, fuck those Oreos. It was so.

Good for you, man. I'm proud of you. No, no, don't be proud of me. No, but that's growth. But to figure out that you, but I'm 57 years old. No, I know, but that's so bad. If I would have figured out at 20, I would have been looking like Adonis right now. Some people never figured out.

But it was so weird. I'm at that moment, I go, that's what I used to do. It's not interesting. If you would call me in those days and say something, like the day we went to Vegas together. Oh. And we got to call that bro. Brody died. Don't make us cry.

I swear to God that, like, I went back to the room and Kate, did I not call you immediately? I go, come right back to the, I go come because we got food in the room. We had a food. They had already left food for me. I didn't want to eat alone. Like, I called Katie, go, Kate, do me a favor. I never really want to ask you come over to my room. I had a huge room.

Then our friend came over. Yeah. Brett came over. And Brett, you know, we were friends and nobody really brought up Brody. We ate. It was awkward. It was weird because I found out. Well, you flew in after me.

Oh, we didn't fly in together? No, that show, you had to change your flight because you got to audition or something came up. You had to do in the morning. So you change your flight. Are you going to the bathroom? Oh, you change your flight. So I was there for like two hours.

And I've never lost. The only person I ever lost like that was my grandfather that was sudden. He had a heart attack. He was pretty young. but I never my grandfather was a little estranged. I never lost someone that close that I'd just talked to like two days before. Like it was, I mean, I mean, that was,

everybody's had that happen, I guess, but the first time that happens to you, it was just so, I couldn't get my head around it, I couldn't stop crying. I was like, how are we going to do the shows? I'm hysterical. And then you came in, and then you deal with it so different

because I remember, like, I don't even if you even know this, but like, you didn't say anything about it. I didn't want to talk about it. I know. I don't want to talk about it. I know. I knew, I knew, because I know you. I couldn't get myself started.

But do you know that we did Vegas and then we did Tucson and then flying from, it was either Vegas, I think you were flying from Vegas to Tucson on the plane you started crying, but you didn't say word. But you just put your hand on me. And I, you just, I knew that that was like you finally let it out. I couldn't let, I had a job to do. You had to do the show. That show was so hard. I couldn't do that, that Vegas show, that first night.

It was so hard. to them, but there was to go up there and try to be funny and like, and don't get me wrong, folks. It's my job. It's our job. But also, but also, that venue is the worst one for that because it was a pitch black. It was a spotlight and you couldn't see one person's face. So there wasn't even like another human to connect to. I like that. That's how I like it. I do too sometimes. I don't want to see nobody's faces, because I didn't want them to look at me breakdown. I wanted to see their faces so I wasn't like in a void light. At the end, when I said, I dedicated.

this show to Brody as I turned the tears were gonna fall out but I didn't want people to see me cry and then we went to Tucson I avoided even going into my head I know I was starting to be like is he gonna bring it up no no oh sorry we went to eat we did whatever we smoked pot we did the show when I got back to the room that night I broke down and I broke down because I didn't break down like I was supposed to on Friday I cried on the plane by myself, but I was sitting there and people were starting to watch me. No one noticed.

And I was, all on the plane they were. The two people next to me looked at me. And the creatus came down. I've tried on so many flights. I controlled myself. And then once I saw you that Sunday, because for me, that's it. It's so surreal.

No, it's so in layers. Like, I'm just starting to come to grips. Like a couple weeks ago, they did. I asked Lee about something, and he goes, well, Steve Somoli's doing it something for Brody. I go what the fuck are they doing for Brody? When his anniversary is coming up in two months,

number one, number two, I'm just starting to, like his phone number is still in my thing. I still follow him on social media. I know. You may. To me, they're not dead. They're just on a vacation. That's how you have to think of it.

But eventually I'm going to have to pay the piper. You always have to pay the piper. Do you what that you mean? I did this with my mother, and it came back five. years later, the army. So all this dealings, you've got to deal with this shit. When it comes to death, you have to deal

with this shit. What can you do besides cry it out? Right. Fight it. You're going to have bad days. You're going to think about them. It's the weirdest fucking thing because like every time I'm at the light, at Starbucks. I think of Brody. And I avoid it.

I try to get into the song. I think of him every time I see that billboard behind Pink Dot where he had his... And then when you go upstairs to the fucking belly room, they got that picture. I know. You're about to do comedy and somebody punches

you in the fucking trash before you go up to stairs. His pictures in every room. By the time I get upstairs I got fucking anxiety from seeing that fucking picture. That picture is huge. That picture has to come down.

It's like bigger than life size. I want it somewhere else because as soon as I think the same. You go to a back bar to have a drink and to talk to your friend or they got a slice of pizza and they got a big fucking picture

of Brody right there. It's huge. I love, but it just takes It's true. Every time you're having a great moment You see it and it kind of punches you and you go. It's like getting ready to fuck somebody. Shocking their tities.

You go down there and you feel that string. And you go, God damn it just blew 160 on. Is that really happened? This bitch happens. I always warned guys. Huh? I always warned them. Before they call you?

No. Like if I call you and go, would you like to go to dinner on a Friday night and you agree to me to go to Dan Tanners and on the way home, I go to reach between your legs and you got a little fuse. Do you want to know the truth? Yes. If it's a date where I would normally have fucked you, and I know that I can't because my period's that bad, I won't go out with you if we're not boyfriend girlfriend.

But if it's like a first day and I wouldn't fuck you anyway, I still will. Because I don't fuck guys on the first day ever. No, not you. Except for Phoenix. I don't. That wasn't a name. Except for the model, except for the.

Okay, hold on. I knew him. Let me tell you some people. Wait, the model, I knew him. If you think the questioning and the fucking Harvey Weinstein case is crazy, you know what? This here would blow your fucking mind. I knew the model.

for three years. I saw him all over the place all time. I know. It wasn't the first time. There's always a first time. It's never as good as the first time. Shot day. I'm saying it wasn't the first time.

You know what? If you saw a hot supermodel get naked on a stage in a shower and all the girls were trying to fuck him, I admit, I've grown up a little. But there was a time when I was very insecure because no one liked me.

I got made fun of. I was ugly. I couldn't get any of the boys I wanted. So I admit, there's a little piece of me that when I could, fuck the hottest male model in the world was like, oh my God, I never could.

Like, I can't believe I'm going to get to fuck this guy. And I did. So, you know what, fine. I'm not mad at you. But I don't do it often. You're wrong, but I have a whole list and I know the numbers. I know all their names. I feel guilty.

You go to the other night. For example, I see that the story of the other night, right? I bump into it for two minutes. I'm looking at you. Oh, yeah. She looked beautiful. I did look good that night. She was all done up.

Thank you. Now, I know when a woman's going out to do comedy, and I know when a woman's putting out a scent of must that they want dick. I did a show that night. That night she wanted dick. So I knew this. I didn't say none to nobody. I really did.

She left. I hooked you up with a black dude with the beard, my friend. I even tried to get you. He's got a big dick. That dude did porn. Are you crazy? He did porn. I wouldn't fuck that guy.

You might as well. He looked like black Santa. He gives your powder. He sucks. his dick. He's got like a 22-inch dick cold. No. He did porn for years. That's how I'm doing. So what? That's even more reason I don't want to. I'm done with porn. When I first met that dude, he lived with two white chicks up to court here. I got to stop coming here. Someone kill me now. I would go up there to get coke from him. He would have his girlfriend and her sister sucking his dick in the afternoon.

You don't know how many times I'd walk in. I go, where are you? And he goes in the couch, but don't come back here. and both of them would be in there and I'd look in and the sister, the girlfriend was really pretty but the sister was kind of ugly and she'd be naked. He would make both sisters suck his dick

at two in the afternoon. And you'd why I would take him, you're like, Kate'll take this guy home. Kate, he's got like a 20-inch dick and he's got candy favors. Well, I'm trying to, you know, that's too big.

I don't want anything above 10 and that's a little big. Listen, I'm like Cupid. You know what I'm not? Like you, you have any couples I've set up that got married. The couple in Fort Lauderdale, I set them up. I set up three couples right now that are happily married, I set up. I see an eye.

I know. What do you think about my little crush guy, too young? Who? The fighter? I told you about. He's a sweetheart. He's a sweetheart, but he's too, he's not for you. The dude you needed was Brent from BJJ.

Joey. That's what you needed. Joey. me down. How high are you that you're naming names and shit? Brett was a nice guy. Brett's my brother. He is a nice guy.

I love him. He's adorable. It's very sweet. You and him were the Cupid from heaven. Cupid shot an arrow into both your hearts. You went to the other direction. You want fucking you want one night stand. I do not want one night stand.

I've had lots of boyfriends. I know. I want, no, that's not what I met. This is worse than a law and all that. We shouldn't need. I don't want one-night stands.

I've only fucked 23 people. I can never do a crime with Kate because now she's only fucked 23 people. I have the list. It's at Bronstant's house. That was last year. Me and Bronston made a list. You know what?

Actually, it's probably like 25 by now. 25. That was the last 18 months. No, I haven't. Here, I'll tell you the truth. After the Wizard. You do two and a half a month. You average two and a half a month different.

No, I don't. No, I don't. Here's what you forget. Okay, the guy. Let's call him. comic guy that I actually dated the longest on-off dude. He's my go-to when I'm in-between guys.

So what I do is I date guys I see potential with and I try not to fuck them until I'm short. You got like 10 to go guys. No, I don't have any to go guys. I swear to God. Where do you keep this list? Do you know how many nights I've been so last night I text my buddy Aiden I have a text and I said I'm so horny right now

I would fuck you and you're gay. Let me explain some to you. I have no one. I see you the other night She leaves. I know and a friend of mine came up to me He also has a freak radar like me. Okay. And he goes, Kay, Quigley, we want it cock today. That's exactly what...

He said that. This guy that I know, that's a friend of mine, came over to me later. And he goes, Kay Quigley was very beautiful tonight. Thanks. But she wanted cock tonight. I know that. I call her up and she's... I was in bed.

No, you weren't. Yes, I was. I did not fuck anybody. She was in an Uber. She was in an Uber. She was getting an Uber. which corrected me. She was going home to text and find victims.

No, I was. She goes, bro, she's like, No, I didn't. It was Saturday night. She goes on, like, Reddit, and she'll type. You're so full of shit. I'm a blonde looking for dick. I got powder and all this shit.

No, I don't. I called her up. I go, you okay? She goes, yeah, I was worried about it. No problem. I'm going to kill you. The next one I called up. I said, I did nothing.

I said I did nothing. I went to church. She goes, but I did that phone sex with a guy. Oh, yeah, that's right. See what I'm saying? There's always something. You're like Harvey Weinstein. Oh, I feel bad about that guy.

Guys, you don't understand. For me, I forgot about that. I'm a 57-year-old man. I'm married. I have a daughter. And I still like to laugh and hear a good story. And when I want a good story, all I need to do is call me. But wait, let me say something about that.

I have friends that fulfill different voids in my life. But think about this. When I want to be depressed, I call Lee. When I want to hear about depression, I call Lee. Like, what are you doing, Lane? Nothing sitting here. I just got back from doing two spots lead. You know it's 9.45 at night and you're 30 years old.

Go out. Mug somebody. Get a hooker. Do something. So I have friends that fulfill different voice. Like if I want to feel good about myself, I just call it. It's true. But when I'm sitting there at 5, when I'm sitting there at 10.30 suicidal,

ready to decide whether I should eat that next edible. Like when I'm sitting there, that's 10. I'm like, should I eat another fucking? By the way, I get my edibles today. Thank God I've been waiting. I'm getting the ATX 100 milligrams. I'll be ready for New York. Is that as good as I miss the stars of death?

I need new edibles. Oh, these are better than stars of death. Good. I want some. When I'm feeling that depressed and I'm like I should be doing something in my life. I got married. I got a kid. I call Lee. Because I know Lee's doing so much more?

No. Lee, what are you doing? I'm sitting here. I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I don't know. He's got back from birds, back rack, and whatever. He calls me and I don't have a story, and then if I don't have a story, he's like, what happened am I, like, where's your story? Wait, wait, but then when I do have a story, he's like, you got to stop.

What are you going to settle down? Quit fucking, fucking, blah, blah, blah. She fucks the wrong people. I don't always, I'm getting better. Listen, after the wizard, there's only been two. After the wizard, there was the guy in Vegas, the one guy dated, David. After the wizard, did you do a clan? Did you go see a Santeria priest or something?

I actually went to a shaman after the wizard, Jim Florentines. I'm going to have to get a chicken. It's a guy that got already laying sober. Yeah. He helped me. He did it. It's done. I got tested.

I was fine because, like I said, nothing is really important. And I've never had STD. I've only had one yeast infection my whole life. My pussy's very clean. It tastes good. You know what? Summer's Eve. Oh, the vaginal scrub?

The best shit ever. That's the best shit ever. It makes it taste like Skittles. For what? You use it. I used to use it years ago. I don't know. I was like you're doing it.

When I was about 38 and I was on the road, I wanted my balls to be in Tipton, McGu at all time. And from fucking chicks, your helmet smells weird. It gets a weird smell to it. Yeah, but now it's always like a pussy. And one night I was on the road with a girl, and we had to share a condo. I didn't want it to the bathroom.

And I didn't have any soap. So the only thing I had was the Somers Eve, Vagel. The stuff was a bomb. I put it on the fucking antow. And I started to move. washing myself. It's not my whole body. And I wash my balls real good in my dick. Let me tell you something. My balls

were never that shiny. You understand. That shit is amazing. It's tremendous. I started using it. If you're a man and you want to get your balls licked with no women making faces or nothing, get some as the vaginal scrub. You use that and combine that with manscape, the revitalizer

for your nut sack. women will love to fucking suck the ball. I even carry the summer's Eve wipes. You'll think it's 4th of July every day, do you? Yeah, because just in case, like, then you have it. Because the thing is, it also, for men, it's different, but for women, it actually regulates your pH balance, so you stay the way you're supposed to smell. So, you know, I was, I mean, honestly, like, a guy even said to me, like, when I started using

them, a girl recommended it to me, I started using them a month later, this guy goes down on me, he's like, you're the best tasting pussy. I was like, wow, Somersie. Like, it works. It works. Let me tell you so. We've done a lot of podcasts in our day. Can I say one thing?

What? Can I say one thing? The reason I had bone sex is because I was horny and had no one to hit up, which just want to point out, ruins your theory that I have a bunch of, this guy was like out of town. But tell me that you didn't call everybody you could before you did something. There isn't anyone right now. There's only one guy I can hit up for sex. I guarantee if I go to your...

I don't have any guy. in town you're the type of bitch that'll call 911 to report a fake crimes you can suck the cop's dick you know what I'm saying and I am mad at you but that's not a bad idea I did tweet that once that's not a bad idea I did that's a fantasy and a half you're like fireman you're like my UPS guy you open up the door you're rob on with one tit hanging out I don't fuck strangers I'm telling you I got to have a connection you just said UPS guy I didn't fuck him he's just cute you know what what are these dates you got on the books Oh, road dates?

I thought you meant like dates. Road dates. Actually, I've got, oh, Valentine's Day, I'm doing Kansas City. I'm so excited. And I'm going to do comps for single ladies on Valentine's Day. So you're doing Friday and Saturday. Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Kansas City Comedy Club. Good club.

Yeah. And then I'm in Edmonton and March and Akron, Ohio. Well, I'm happy you could add some happiness today because I wanted a complete different podcast. People need it right now. I wanted to go off the rails today. I've been wanting to. If I could get acid and all that shit, and if I didn't have to do some shit this afternoon,

I would have fucking got something. Angel dust, animal tranquilizers. I would have gone down some fucking road. But I got responsibilities. I got spots. No, I know. You have spot. It's never too late.

I got spots. I have spot. Tonight. By the way, thank you for giving me the heads up on that one gig. Anyway, let me talk to you people real quick about something before we even get the fuck out of here. You know me, guys. When it comes to,

CBD, I'm loyal to one company and one company only. CBDLion.com. You say, Joey, why? Why? Because it's real CBD. Not that shit you're buying at the corner. These new stores popping up. They're all bullshit.

And they just started testing them. And people coming back with fucking, I just read it. They did a test in some area. And there was like iodine with color in it. No, no, no, no. With CBD line, you're getting the real deal. That's why I deal with them. I reached out to them their stuff was so good.

The tincture 100%. You put under your tongue at night. It comes to different milligrams. The gummy bears, I recommend with all my fucking heart. Raspberry, strawberry, and orange. Never mind the fucking vapor pen. No vitamin E and no acetyl or whatever the fuck's killing people. You haven't heard about it no more because people change the recipes.

And they also have the shatter. So however you want it, they got it. They got some body bombs. now that you put in your back tug. They're fucking tremendous. My wife's been using them. Tremendous. Listen, CBD Lion is the real deal. Right now, go to CBDLion.com.

Look at that third party lab results and get back to me. They're not playing around over there. Do you understand me? CBD Lion.com. Number two, Valentine's Day is around the quarter. Whether you're single, you're not. Listen, can you imagine finally you've got a date and pull your pants off on your underwear,

look like they've been through fucking hell. You got skid marks. Looks like somebody shot a musket in them. You ever see the mess? Next time you judge a man, look at their underwear. Oh, it's disgusting. I have a rotating stock of me on these. Why?

Because over the years, they kept sending them. I got everything. I got red ones, green ones. What colors do I have on today? Let me see them. Let me see them. I go with this fucking flag. Take them up.

Oh, my God. They're so cute. They're flowers. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, I love that. We ain't fucking around here today. That's what I do for Manscape.

I love Manscape. Meandes. Meandes. I love Miandis. Anyway, Miandis right now has matchy underwear for you and your girl for Valentine's Day. They got lots of special prints for you to get in the mood for Valentine's Day.

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Plus, me undies is fucking everything. Sox, lounge wear, joggers, robes, slippers, even baby clothes. Personally, I'm in all on the joggers. You know that. Because you know how much your fucking Uncle Joey loves comfort and these things are comfortable as fuck. They hold your nuts perfectly. You never sweating them.

I could smell my balls at 9 o'clock at night and go, Wow. Wow. When I walk out and underway in the way... You should make a ball candle. I'll mail it right to your house. You and your little buddy and your little bed bugs on your bed can sniff them. Anyway, I love fucking Meandis.

Speaking of love, Meandis is showing you the love with a killer offer for the church family. You ready? Go to Meandes.com slash Joey. I'm going to give you 15% off and free shipping on your first purchase. Plus, you get Meandis 100% satisfaction. guarantee. Again, grab your pen that's 15% off and free shipping. You and your girlfriend, nice matching underwear. Come on, who's better than you? And if you show up to the Tempe Improb that weekend and pull your fucking pants down, I'll send you a shot of fucking tequila right there

from the stage. How's that? Matching me underwear for you and your woman. What are you fucking nuts? That's what Meandes does for you. Go to Meondes.com right now slash Joey and get 15% off. All right. One more time. meandies.com slash joey 15% off for your first purchase free shipping and 100% satisfaction guarantee and slip into something more comfortable than those fucking shit stained pieces of shit you got on women smell those when you go to the bathroom you know that when you're naked and you go to the bathroom or women want to reach over and smell your underwear to judge you and they have every right to fucking judge you your filthy motherfuckers go to meandies

What was the song of the day today? Cashmere. Cashmere by Led Zeppelin. That's a song of the day. Listen, Tempe weekend, Valentine's Day weekend. The party starts on the 13th. Tempe Improv.

And then February 29th, I'm at Motherfucking Treasure Island. Get your tickets now. That's it, and that's that. I want to thank my favorite sister in the world who is like fucking, I got to call Harvey's attorney tonight and get her in the mix.

Are you alone forever? Oh my God. I love you so much. Thank you very much for being a guest today because I wanted happiness in here. I didn't want to drag a fucking dog in here today. I was in the mood. I just wanted to laugh and giggle

and act like an asshole. And I hope you guys enjoyed it. Flying Jew, I love you little brother. I hope you're doing well. It was a 75th anniversary yesterday of what those fucking evil cock suckers did to your tribe. And I was fucking embarrassed.

sitting on the couch crying. Fuck those Nazi motherfuckers. I hope they all burn in fucking hell. Anyway, I love you guys. Go to Joey Diaz.net and get your tour dates and that's it. I'll see you next week. Enjoy your Wednesday.

Oh, my God, my life is over. I'm going to kill you, Joey. You love that one. That was fun. Church, what's happening now?