The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #757 - Joey Diaz on Failure

Episode Date: February 4, 2020

Joey Diaz talks about how his failures made him stronger, and how important failing is in life. Failing isn't bad, quitting is what Joey regrets.  This podcast is brought to you by:   MyBookie.ag -  Use code promo Church to get a 50% match on your first deposit up to $1,000.  CBD Lion - For all of your CBD needs, from shatter to gummies, go to www.CBDLion.com and use code CHURCH for 20% off.   

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The fuck out of my face. Kick this motherfucker, Mule Lee. There ain't no mule to kick. How are you guys doing? It's February the 4th. It's a beautiful day to be alive. No guest today. We're on a solo tip.

It's the first podcast of the month. And I want to talk to you people about something. You know, sometimes I look at the fucking calendar, and I remember things. Like, sometimes, like today is my best friend, Loubs's birthday. I called them already. He didn't answer.

Fuck them. But today's also my daughter's birthday. She turns 30 fucking years old today. And it was weird that yesterday I was doing paperwork or whatever. And I noticed it was February 2nd. And I'll never forget that date because that's a date I got out of the halfway house. But that's a day that's the first time I really lived life with responsibility. You know, I got a lot of emails from you guys every week and you're going through whatever you're going through.

I want you to know something, man. The 20s are fucking throwaway years. At the end of the game, they don't even count. I sit here at 57 in two weeks, and I'm telling you that your 20s don't even fucking matter. You're going to fuck up. You're going to lose jobs. You're going to get fired.

You're going to switch careers. You're going to get engaged. You know, everybody falls in love. Just, you know, we do just fucking dummy. things that could define who you are for the rest of your life or yeah because that's what you're going to do you're going to make a mistake or do something good that's going to define your life with my my situation i got a felony it didn't define who i became i also got i had a baby that defined who i became because i failed as a father the first time around but let's get to

the february second february second 1990 i had been putting out of it and I had been released from the halfway house and put back two times on probation violations because I couldn't keep it together. I just could not keep it together. I made Artie Lang with like a fucking poster child. The difference between me and Artie at the time was that there was more ways to scam the system.

Now they got you. They got you on computer with bracelets that they don't even have to piss test you. They take a hair out of your fucking hair and they check your follicle. You know, they swab, fucking digging in your mouth. Like, you can't beat half this shit

I was doing, but I was just like, when I was watching Artie going through his thing, first of all, he came up on a year anniversary of the day, and I was so fucking happy for him because he went through the hardest year of his fucking life.

Once you got to beat the first year, trust me, the percentages go down and down and down and down. And hopefully, you know, he'll see the other side the fence and you go for like the same way I did you know once you see the side of the fence it's tough listen I'm around people who do coke if you don't think I'm around people who do coke you're out of your fucking mind I've been on the road with people who are doing co-op it doesn't

affect me it doesn't make me want it you know it's like my joey karate videos once I was done with them I was fucking done with them I don't go backwards and I'm you know it doesn't affect me at all. But back to the second of February 1990. I remember my wife at the time picking me up. She was nine months pregnant. She was due any day. There wasn't like a due date.

They think the due date was like the tent of some shit. And I remember her picking me up. When I got in the car and slammed that door, I remember saying like a couple things to myself. This is the last time I'm coming back to this halfway house. And I'm about to have a kid.

which means life is going to get fucking real. And I know two people who are going through a lot right now, they're church family. They're not going through anything. I mean, they're going through fatherhood for the first time. You know, Scott Cunningham and Michael Klein, you know, one-by-one podcast, great guy. You know, the other than I called,

I still remember calling Mike at two in the fucking morning and him answering, you know. The end of that I called him, he didn't answer. And right away, he hit me on Twitter. He goes, I couldn't answer. I was putting the baby to sleep. You know, things happened. Do you think Michael really wanted to put the baby to sleep that night?

You know what I'm saying? I mean, so when I got out of the halfway house, I knew right away that day I had to change my whole fucking life. And I was like, this is just not going to work. And, you know, guys, I'm the biggest procrastinator there is. Like, I'm the type of guy that I'll tell you for a year I'm doing something. Like, I got, I put myself in worse positions than you guys could ever even dream of. Because, I don't know if I'm a nice guy or sometimes I'm a pussy.

But sometimes you tell somebody you're going to do something. And as the date gets closely, you really realize you don't want to do it. That's okay if you're going to a concert. That's okay if you don't want to go on a trip. But it's not okay if you're going to have a baby. It's not okay if you want to get married. It's not okay if you quit your job, high-ranking fucking job to take a low-ranking job.

And it's not what you ended up thinking, you know, once you make career decisions, like I'm one of those guys. Like, I got married and I realized on the fucking plane on the honeymoon that I didn't want to be married. Too fucking late now. You know, it's too fucking late, Joey. When I got out of the fucking halfway house and she picked me up, Like I was seeing her every day.

But when I looked at her at lunch that day and we went back and she took her shirt off, I'm like, this chick is big. I'm about to be a fucking father. And I don't know if I'm into all this shit. And also the next morning that night, we went to Lucille's that place that I told you about in Boulder that has occasion food. That's fucking delicious. And I had like the black and redfish with this baynets and this fucking, this spicy Louisiana sausage.

and my wife ate the same and we went back and I couldn't get high I don't like a reef a high so I it was snowing and I fucking passed out and I fucking was so tired I was so stressed about life we must have

passed out of two in the afternoon and just slept all day like we both just fucking slept all I remember is her waking me up telling me her water broke and it's you know when you have the stink of prison on you, guys, you can't not describe.

Like, right now, because of the internet, you get to watch people unwind. You get to see something somebody says or does, and then two weeks later, they do something else, and two weeks later they do something else. Then they get thrown off Twitter. Then they get thrown off Facebook, Facebook, then they get thrown off Instagram, and you just see it. You see it with Alex Jones, you see it with rum rush limbaugh with our boy with the edible. You just see it with different people. You know, like they start to fucking deteriorate little by little.

I don't even know what we're talking about. You were talking about how she woke you up and you had the stink of prison on you? Yeah, like I just had the stink of prison on you. And once you have the stink of prison on you, that means you're going to have police contact no matter what you do. Really? Like I had police contact Let me put it this way I had police contact

January 29th or 28th 1983 That was the first Real time I got pinched For possession of Burgery tools Like stolen property

And then after that I had police contact But I didn't get arrested Like I would have have police contact from time to time, but I wouldn't get arrested. And I got pinched in New York with a bag of weed, like a year later. Again, I would have police contact, but I wouldn't get pinched. What's police contact? This guy said, you robbed his house.

This guy said, you know, police contact is a motherfucker. Once you get the stink of police contact on you, you can't get it off here. So let me give an example. my wife's water breaks. Now, we had a condo. We bought a condo. We rented a condo in that complex first, and then I swindled a condo

out of one of the fucking counselors at the halfway house. I caught him with one of the other counselors, and I tormented him. And when he quit his job, I swindled them like fucking some 500 down, 200 a month type condo deal. Then the lady who owned the condo called and it was too late.

Like it was fucked up. So I moved into this condo without knowing that the guy downstairs from me was fucking crazy. Like he would stay up all night. I would hear music at 4 in the morning. Like, you know, I would get up to get something to drink

because it's dry in Colorado. And I would hear music and all this shit and he would talk to himself. And I found out that he was like a method. head. Somebody told me, like one of the neighbors said, that guy stays up every night. People bring him back and just,

and he just walks around and shit, and he would always throw away boxes of puzzles. See, me down there fucking doing puzzles. I don't know how fucking long on the Met. I don't know. I didn't know the guy. All I know is that my wife must have made a noise that made this guy called 911,

like I was beating her. So I had to go, you know, I come outside. It snowed fucking eight inches of snow. So I got to go outside now and clean off the car. And while I'm cleaning off the car, I see two cop cars coming down the street. It wasn't really the street. It was like a parking lot.

Did you know that it for you? Not an idea. Okay. I'm like, what the fuck must have happened? And all of a sudden the cops are like, they get out and they're like, put your hands on the car. And I'm like, okay. And I put my hands on the car and I go, what's going on? They're like, turn around.

They came up to me. They frisked me and they handcuffed me. And then they ran into the house because the front door was kind of open. And they knocked and they go, hello, hello. My wife's like, hello. And they're like, are you okay? And my wife was in the bedroom on the bed waiting for me to come pick her up. And they're like, are you injured?

And she's like, what are you talking about? And the cop goes, we just got a domestic violence call from here. He goes, no, my water broke. And I was telling my husband to hurry up. He's outside getting the car ready. But that fucking meth head called the cops on me. Oh, Jesus. So the cops helped me carry her out to the fucking car.

We put her in the front seat. One cop car got in front of me. I got behind the one cop car, and the other cop car got behind me. And we fucking sped off to the fucking to the hospital. It took us like eight minutes. That wasn't cool? Cool as shit.

Here I am a convicted felon, getting a police-assie. squat to the fucking hospital. I get there, we go through the whole fucking thing. She has the baby like that morning, like at 12 or something, too.

And finally at 6, I went home. And even though I was in the halfway house, I had to celebrate. So sure enough, I got an eight ball. I called my brother-in-law, her brother. And we did a fucking eight-ball. And thank God my number didn't come up that fucking mundane. I'd have to pee in a bottle.

Or they would have put me right back on the fucking halfway house. I mean, you know me, dog. I think I told you. I made Audi Lang look like a fucking quiet boy. So do you have any anxiety like while you're doing it or you're just like fuck it? Like they're not going to piss me. I'll beat the test. You know, your addiction just convinces you that you're this superhuman guy. And then when you come down and you got your press, you're like, what am I going to do? Now I got to pray for Monday that my color doesn't come up. When I say color is on Mondays, from 1 to 5

12 to 5 you had to call a number and I think my number was my color was maroon okay and they'll tell you the colors for the day are black white purple

you have four hours to report please leave a message so you had a call every Monday Wednesday and Friday leave a message to let them know that you called if you didn't call it was a probation violation if you didn't leave a message. And were you close to going back to prison for another violation?

Oh, yeah. So this is going to be a probation violation. It's 90 days. But it's in the halfway house. It could be in county jail. It could be in jail or it could be at the halfway house. I always had a so-called important job. So my attorney always, you know, Mr. Diaz.

And once I started wearing a suit, that's why I started selling cars. In their mind, they're like, this guy's wearing a fucking suit. Okay. He must do something that's important. Even when I wasn't selling cars, I was throwing the suit on to leave. They thought I was selling cars.

I really wasn't selling cars. You know, but it's so weird. So that Monday you're supposed to call. So for people who don't know what I'm talking about. That's what it was then, which is 30 years ago. I don't know what it is now. Now they just must knock on your house and pull your fucking hair out of the head

and tell you you you tested positive for heroin. I don't know what it was then, but now. but this is what it was then. And, you know, and I kept going. I kept going and going and going until, yeah, until finally 18 months later, she smartened up and said, this marriage isn't going to work.

But the funny thing was that, and I don't know how to say this to you guys. Like, I was not happy in my situation. Like when we, and I don't want you to think that I'm saying I didn't love the baby or anything like that. I just didn't take to the situation how I thought I would. And looking back at it now, I felt very bad about it for years. And I see my treatment of mercy now.

And I know that the reason why I was acting the way I was before was because of my addiction. Like now that I'm sober with mercy, I see where the shortcomings. I didn't fail as a father. I was just on fucking drug. How much of it do you think is the drugs versus like that? Because you started this off saying like your 20s are crazy.

Like, was it a mix of everything or was it like almost? I wasn't ready. Yeah. Some people are not ready. You're not mature enough. I'm sorry. I wasn't mature enough at 20 fucking seven to have a child. I just wasn't mature enough.

I'm sorry to say that. That's just the way life is. Some people mature, you know, I know people had kids at 18 and made it work for themselves and got jobs and, you know, did whatever. I just wasn't mature enough. I didn't know what I had on my hands. I didn't really know the responsibility of what you have on your hands. I didn't know that the decisions that I made affect everybody in my fucking family. I had no idea.

You don't know these things at 20-5. You know, nobody tells you these things. You learn these things as you fucking go along with it, you know. But it's, it's, uh, I loved her. I took care of her. Saturday, you know, I took care of I changed the diapers. There was no drama there. It wasn't the happiness that I have today. My mind was always somewhere else, even though I loved her. And then we got separated and, you know, again, that's where that statement comes and you don't know what you

got to, you lose it. And then I really wanted to be close to her, but it was too late. She didn't want me to have a relationship with her. I knew this since day one, you know, like, this. This This is, I don't know what you people know of the story. This is the last one-hour, one-man show I did, was about that time period from 93 to 95. And it took me a long time to write. Like, I have a month in between one-man shows to write a section. And this one I wrote every fucking day.

And I had a hard time writing it every fucking day. Because I didn't know how I could explain myself. of my actions at this time. But to start the thing off, I had to remember something that she had said to me. Like, we broke up in October 15th of 1991. We separated. By February of 92,

I knew I wasn't going to be that kid's father for much longer. Like, I didn't need to be. to have a crystal ball. She did something that people never understood why I got so angered of. I'm a very old-fashioned type of guy. Lee, in life, things happen.

And for the people at home, things happen in life. And things are going to happen to you and things are going to happen that you're going to have to say to somebody, something happened. Things just happen in life. You know?

You get married, you have a child, you go to work, you meet a co-worker, you and her hit it off. I'm not saying that you're cheating or whatever, but sometimes in life, love comes at a weird time. Things happen in life, you know, you realize the person you're with is not who you want to be with. You want to be with this person. Eventually you cheat, and it's not about the sex. you really enjoy being with that person or whatever, you know, whatever the fuck happens. Things happen. You're not going to fall in love forever.

You know, things happen in life that people have to accept that there comes a day that sometimes, but one day my wife might come home and tell me she's not in love with me no more. And you have to accept these things. You could throw a couple mirrors and, yeah, you're going to go back, you're going to go out and have a couple beers, and you're going to go out to your friend's house and talk to them. But the quicker you accept it, the quicker you can move on to your next chapter. Well, it was interesting when you were talking about how, like, your 20s is a throwaway,

and then you said how you realized you didn't want to be married on the flight. And what I was thinking is, and it's something that I struggle with, is like you said, oh, it's too late now. But in reality, you could have just been like, hey, we both know. You could have got an annulment. Like, sometimes, like, that's what I've learned. recently is you sometimes you can just make the decision and it's not going to be as bad as you think it's going to be i knew that june that june of 91 i knew our relationship was over okay i knew something

wasn't right i was working too much i was working on purpose i'm the laziest man alive i was working five days a week for my brother-in-law roofer i was working six nights a week as a doorman djay far back and I was working two days a week on my own private little roofing jobs. I did not want to be home. Okay, that's a problem. When you have a child and you don't want to be home. When I was home, I was happy to see the child. I went to the child and I bathed her and I did everything I was called upon to do.

On Saturdays, if I didn't work, like sometimes on Saturdays, I would go, my wife would cut hair. and I would have the baby on Saturday. And I enjoyed it. I had no problem with that. I liked everything about it. I just wasn't prepared to do it full fucking time. Like I just, you know, I had addiction on my mind, had partying on my mind.

I didn't have cheating on my mind. That wasn't on my mind at all, you know. When I came home on October 15th, and she said to me, she didn't want to be with me, Already had caught in the bug of comedy. I was trying to get out of all this as it was. I was like, how am I going to get to do fucking comedy

with everything I have going on? A child, three jobs, a fucking wife. Well, okay, I don't even have a wife. The only glue in this house was that child. You know, that was the only thing that was keeping us fucking together. On the weekends, I do a little bit of Coke, like on Friday nights and I wasn't getting caught. Eventually I got signed off community corrections and, you know,

things worked out the way they did. But she did something that really aggravated me was that if she would have came to me, listen, man, I've learned over the last 20 years how to talk to people. I really have. I didn't know how to talk to people. I was always very scared of talking to people. and then one day, a couple weeks ago, I had to make a very hard decision.

Something had been bawled me for six months and I had to make a hard decision and I knew in October I had to do it and I woke up January 21st and did it. That's how long it took me to make the fucking decision. That's how long I've been procrastinator I am. But when I did it, I did it and I'm not looking back. You know, I'm not looking back.

With my wife, I was two, young. I was like, I guess this is what happens when you get married. You get married, you hate the person, but just date together because of the kid. What? What a fucking miserable fucking existence. You know the

jobs I had? I loved doing them. I was good at estimating. I was good as a laborer. I was good as a fucking door guy. I was good as a sound guy. I was good as a barback when I was working at that comedy club. But there was none of those jobs.

really wanted to do is a living. I wanted to give comedy a fucking try. You know, I really, really wanted to give it a fucking try. And even though the first two years, it was like I was just getting to find who the fuck I was when I looked back at it now, it was fine. That was fine. That was exactly, I was supposed to be doing that, looking for a voice, meeting people, getting different advice from bad comics and some good comics.

You know, because you're getting advice from bad comics, you're getting advice from good comics, you're getting advice from mediocre comics, you're getting advice from corporate comics, you get advice from clean comics, you're getting advice from dirty comics, you're getting all this advice. You're getting all this shit thrown at you,

and you have to figure out where you're picking. You know, there's a lot of guys that say, well, I'll do this, but I'll work on this, and then I'll have a tonight show set, and I'll do it. No, I knew at one point I had to make a decision what direction I was going. And once I made that direction, two and a half years, I went with it. And then it was the experimenting.

Remember I told you I wore a suit for a year? And I bombed every time. You know, I wore a suit for a year to try to look nice. I would comb my hair. I'd put a collard shirt on. I'd put a tie on. I'd loosen the tie. I'd try to close the tie.

I bombed. I opened the collar. I bombed. You know, as long as I had a fucking suit on, I thought I was a bombing machine. As soon as I took the fucking suit off and put jeans on in a T-shirt, I started getting them.

I started throwing the suits away. It was a process. It was really a fucking process that never ended, you know. But you were in charge of, like, did you feel more control of it? Every day that I fell in love with it, every failure that I had

made me fall in love with it. Remember, you can't move forward without having failures. It's just impossible. It's impossible. I heard yesterday during the Super Bowl that one of those guys that made one of those great plays

and now he's on the Kansas City or San Francisco, I don't know. They said that he had been cut by seven teams. Yeah, I forget what was he was. Okay, he had been cut by seven teams. If you get cut by four teams, where's your ego at? Seven teams he got cut by.

Seven fucking times. Somebody told him that what he had to offer wasn't good enough for their team. What do you think that guy felt like? And now he's in a fucking Super Bowl. And he made a tremendous play, and they talked about him getting cut seven fucking times. What does that tell you? That takes a certain guy. After four times, I'm like, fuck, I'm getting a job in a warehouse.

This isn't working out for me. But do you think that's genetic or is it learned? I think you're one of those people who has, and it's not even work ethic, but it's like you're strong enough mentally to push through it. Because there's some things that I'm not, like, there's some failures that just take you, like, fuck it. Like why, like that, I'm always impressed with people who can bounce back. My basketball failure, me quitting back, listen, I quit everything that I ever tried. I'm a fucking quitter.

I quit everything. I quit the electricians union. I quit being a longshoreman. I quit being a fucking hottie. I quit being a fucking painter. The one that killed me the most was basketball. The high school. The high school one, that killed me the most.

You know, when I was dragging the dirt over my mom's debt, my father's debt, and all that shit, part of the debt that I was. Part of the death I was carrying was the death of me walking away from basketball. I didn't know how much it devastated me until about 20 years ago. That devastated me. That made me become a different person. That made me, I wasn't angry. I'm not going to lie to you.

I was angry at the coach that fucked in my freshman year. Right. Until this day, people will tell me that he fucked you. He fucked you on purpose. He was waiting until. fuck you you know but he he fucked me in a way that it really affected me for 20 years I wanted to stab him I thought about you know going I knew a bar young out in North Bergen I knew 20 people I didn't like the guy he would have been an easy bottle over the head to break and the cops that came

and whatever but the last 15 years I loved them for he did because he put a thorn in my side. And that thorn stayed in there for a long fucking time. It stayed in there until I was 33 years old from the time I was 14. So what was the thorn, the quitting or the fact that he didn't let you on? The thorn in my side was that I let him beat me. And I was not raised to let somebody beat me, especially mentally. if somebody's six for four, two, 80,

22 years old, they're going to beat me up. I'm 57 years old. Even when I was 21, if you were six or four, two 80, you were going to beat me up. Yeah. But I let him beat me mentally. I met,

I let him beat me to the point that I quit. There was a movie that came out in 1977. It was on a couple weeks ago. It's called One-on-One. with Robbie Benson. And it's about a college kid, a high school star that goes to a big time college. And he just starts to fall through the cracks. The style of basketball that he was designed to play,

that's not always in the curriculum at the school. So the coach came to him one day and said, I want you to renounce your scholarship. And he told him, I'm not doing it. I don't care what you put me through and the coach put him through fucking hell the coach would have him fouled he would have tough guys

they broke his nose they took away his fucking scholarship money they took away his booster money they took away everything from this fucking kid but they didn't take his fucking balls away so he got two jobs and he practiced basketball all fucking night you know he'd play basketball

And then one day he was on the team two guards got hurt and they put him in and he ended up winning the game And then they and they name was steal and at the end of the fucking The movie the coach calls him into the office and the coach goes I'm very proud of you He goes you didn't listen to what I told you to do But we ended up winning the fucking game and he goes I'm very proud of you and he goes I just want you to know you could have your scholarship back And he tells him what the guy told him. He goes up your ass with a red-hop poker.

I could play anywhere the fuck I want now, bitch. Fuck you. And he walks out of the guy's office. Oh, shit. You know, he didn't let that guy beat him mentally. He let the guy beat him, take away his job. You can do everything you want to me. But you're not going to beat me mentally.

I let that guy get inside my head and made me quit something I love doing. until this day I love doing I don't have the capabilities to do it anymore I can't shoot over my shoulders but if my shoulders are fine I'd probably be playing in an over 50 league right now even if it was three on three half-court basketball I was that good as a basketball player

and my friends will tell you when you see them I was that good as a basketball player I mean when I got to my sophomore year I realized I was 5'10 I looked at my mother she was 5 for 4 and I looked at my father, he was six for four, and I looked at the rest of my family, and they were all on the five feet, you know,

what was I going to do? I had good legs that could jump. I could grab the rim when I was in the eighth grade, but that wasn't enough to get me a scholarship, or at least I didn't think so. But that wasn't it. I just quit because he cracked me. I let him fucking crack me.

So looking back, well, do you wish you had gone back sophomore year and tried again? I wish I wouldn't have quit school and I should have played even if I sat the bench. Even if I sat the bench. My problem was I realized too soon,

I did the biggest mistake, I realized too soon I wasn't going to get nowhere, so I did what most people do. They quit. I'm never going to get to that point, so I'm going to quit. You know what? I was good enough

to play, all four years. Like I wouldn't have started varsity my senior year. I would have sat the bench. I would have been like number 12, but I would have still been on varsity. Right. Okay. You know what I'm saying? Like I wasn't that good to start. I didn't have the body to start. No, it's tough. It's tough. I could jump. I could rebound and I could do all that. You have had a place on the team. Huh? You would have had a place. I would have had a place on the team. I wouldn't have been a starter I wouldn't have been all state I wouldn't have been I wouldn't have gotten a scholarship for basketball I would have just called what people called lettered and for me I didn't want a letter

so I said fuck it I'm quit that's the easiest fucking solution so when I got you know I tell people this all the time I didn't get I got into comedy to become a man I didn't get into comedy to become a comic. I came into comedy to become a man because at some point you have to become a man when you do this. You have to be responsible. You have to

go above and beyond. You know, I'm doing comedy 28 years. Fucking sadly, I went to kickboxing. I had to go to two parties with my daughter. I did not want to do that 9.30 spot at the store. Didn't want to do it, guys. didn't want to do it.

I had no choice. I had no fucking choice. I had to go down there, follow Eliza. She fucking destroyed the room. I had to go, follow her. I had a great time seeing her. I was home by 10.30. That's not the point.

I didn't want to go. 28 years. It's that time. When your mind tells you not to do something, it's what we went back to January fucking, third when we did the podcast. Resistance.

This is what Stephen tells you about. Resistance. Resistance comes in every way, whether you're going to build a house. Like he said, a diet plan, a career change. Anything that requires

us, that, anything that is going to make us better, that's the shit that was, that's when resistance fucking really turns it up. You know, that's when resistance really fucking turns up the heat on you. When you want to do something that's going to better your fucking life. So, you know, I do things now, listen, the last thing I want to do is lift weights.

Okay, I'm going to tell you. You don't enjoy it? I'm an old man. I enjoy it, but I'm an old fucking man. You know, like I'm an old fucking man. Mondays at 10 o'clock, I lift weights. and Wednesdays at 10 o'clock I lift weights. Why?

Because I have to do it. It's part of the gig. It's part of this gig. For me to go on the road, I have to stay healthy. And for me to stay healthy, I have to stay strong. For me to be strong, you got to lift walking weights. You know, that's it. I have to, so I force myself to do all these things

because I know it's going to make me that much better. I'm not better than anybody else. I just failed more than anybody else. That's it. That's the basic truth. And one day you just tell yourself, I'm not going to fail anymore. Or better yet, I'm not going to fail at this.

I'm going to fail a ton of things. But this I'm going to work at like a fucking surgeon. And when you want something, you know, my niece is in medical school. She fucking studies. you know she goes classes five hours a day and then she studies 12 hours a day you know that's 17 hours you know she studies then she works like one hour two hours at some fucking lab in jersey or something like that she's 20 I was taught I didn't sleep you got all that energy you know

well I mean oh is there also a way to look at it because like what you said earlier like a failure is not Like failure happens. So when you say you're not going to fail, is it also like coming back from the failure, like not letting it be over? Because like, in a way, isn't bombing failing, but you come back. That day.

Right. That day, that moment, you failed for that moment. Now, when you really fail is if you go home and quit and never come back on that stage. Right. That's where you fail. When I fell off a horse,

can get back on the horse. I failed as a cowboy, but I wasn't looking to be a cowboy either. So it didn't really matter to me. But when you fail at a business, when you fail at a venture, when your idea fails, it doesn't mean you're a fucking failure. It means that you didn't think it out good enough. You didn't see this.

You weren't prepared for it. I failed as a father the first time. For years, I was like, I'm a fucking failure as a father. I would listen to fathers. I would see guys like Josh Wolf. I saw him as a father. It just, it was fucking inspiring. My utmost respect for Josh Wolf goes from what I see them go through for 10 years as a father.

By himself, a single dad. I will be indebted to that man to give me a lesson in character. To the end I die, whatever you might think of John. Josh. Oh, I don't like comedy chaos. I don't give a fuck what you like is. I'm telling you that that guy's got the character of a fucking a gentleman for what he did. For what he did with those kids, especially when they weren't his kids. Okay.

There were his kids by marriage. They didn't come out of his dick. One of those kids came out of his dick. He took all three of them. When I saw Josh whooped that, did that. I would snort coke every night because I was a failure as a father. Here, Josh is doing it and doing comedy and doing everything around it. I couldn't even fucking be a father.

But I said to myself, I took care of his kids. You know, I always say on different podcasts. I had to care of his kids. And I was tight with Trevor, who I really love. You know, he's in the Army now. He's old enough now. but I was really tight with the girl because I had a girl. I had a daughter, so I went out of my way to be extra special to that girl

so somebody could be extra special to my daughter. Do you know what I am? Correct. I was like that. And that's the way I am towards most kids until I had my own daughter. You know, I failed. But I knew I wasn't a failure as a dad. You follow me?

So this guy, he figured he just didn't fit in the cracks of the giants. And then when he went to the Jets, maybe they had too many of those guys in the same position. You know, just because you failed, it doesn't mean you're a failure. It just didn't work out that time. Now, I could understand your ill feelings about not going back and wanting to do it. I get it. I did the same thing. I'm with you.

But something inside you has to push you to go back. That basketball thing stayed with me for a fucking long time. Me quitting. And then I quit karate when I was 16. Another thing that was just an unnecessary quit. Unnecessary quit. You know, unnecessary. You know, so now they're,

in the back of my mind that had made it all right for me to quit things so I don't want to work in a warehouse I don't want to cook I don't want to bartend I can't tell you how much I wanted to bartend couldn't tell you when I was 19

how I had this big fucking plan about bartending I was in a revolutionized bartending I had learned from my mother I had learned from a school you know, I was a people person. And yeah, I did great things as a bartender, but for all the bad fucking reasons.

If I were to stuck it out at one restaurant and said, I'm going to be a bartender with the intention of taking over the bar staff, taking over the bar management and eventually being the GM, I could have done it and ran a great restaurant and had good advertising, and I know how to get people to a bar.

You know, it was funny, I was having a conversation with my article years ago. And I go, you want to run a bar. You got to have three hookers out of there. You got to go and get three hookers yourself. And go, can I talk to you for a second? I got this ball. Listen, I don't want a piece of your action.

I'll let you drink there for free. Just come in there every night looking like you are. If some guy comes up to me is looking for action, I'll tell them you want this and we'll cut the deal right there and there. That's the first thing I got. I got three broads in there. sucking dick just in case why not. It's a good bar.

I got a half a lesbian too that eats ass too just in case you're visiting from out of town for the small 50. You gotta have a drug dealer in there whether you do drugs or not. Whether you do drugs or not to get people to go to your bar from Monday through Thursday, there better be a drug dealer. Like a food court of like the boxers. Yeah, I'm not saying it's a food court. I went to a bar, I went to a friend of mine's bar in Jersey two years ago.

and I sat there and this guy's on the up and up. The guy's bar I went to, I've known him for 40 years, this guy's never touched the drug, never done nothing. I draw all the way out to, you know, welcome the bar and stuff. I'm sitting there watching him, talking to him and my brother George, he drove me out there. And while we're talking, I'm seeing that this is like every other bar in the country. He's telling me how well he's doing.

I'm watching the three chicks behind the bar with their fucking fake tits I'm watching the sports on the TV I'm watching that he runs a happy hour for certain beers I see that he has food he's doing all the right things but I also saw one guy

going out of the bathroom 25 times with other guys that means there was somebody selling coke on the fucking site that's a bar Yeah, I guess so. Now, I know this dude, 40 years. I know he don't have the guy there.

I know that's not his guy. I know that he's worried about his liquor license. Everybody is. Nobody wants Coke sold at your bar. You have a liquor license. If they even suspect you, though, you're a liquor license. So, but I know that a bar can't exist without a cook deal. I know for you to have that Tuesday through a fucking Thursday action in there.

Friday and Saturday, people go out to dates. But I know Thursday through fucking Tuesday through fucking Thursday, you got to have somebody in there slinging something. You go to the comedy store, for example. I go to the comedy store. I don't do cocaine. I don't do it and I don't want to do it. I go in there, I drink a water,

I sit in the back, I watch the two comics before me. I go on stage. I go out, I take a few pictures. I shake a few hands. I sneak through the kitchen, I get the fuck out of that. If you asked me a year ago, are people doing Coke at the comedy store, I look you in the face because I'm so naive and tell you,

no. I heard that after I leave at about 1130, that place becomes fucking narcos. Wow. Fucking Mexicans dropping off helicopters and shit. You know, this is what I heard. I don't know how true it is. Well, I was going to say,

you know, when I was there buying coke, the dog guy sold coke. When I was there, He's long been gone. Right. But do you think it's, do you notice it because you know what to look for? For me, a guy who's never bought a Coke in my life. Oh, I know what to look for.

But I'm not looking for it. Right. I don't want to think you're looking for, but you at least recognize it. Oh, if I see somebody lit, I know it they're lit. Right. I know it to let, but I don't see anybody lit because it's 930 when I'm down there. Oh, okay. It's 10.15.

It's 1030. Narcos. You know, why get in the car? It's 1030. Nobody's fucking lit yet Is there a reason for that? Do you leave early on purpose? No, no, no, I just leave early

because I got to get up at 6.15 in the morning and wake up with a kid. That's the only reason why I leave early. I don't listen, I wouldn't care if somebody did drugs around me or not. I did so many drugs, how hypocritical would I be if somebody around me do drugs? I tell my comedian friends

that they're doing Coke and they're stuck at a plateau that they should consider not doing coke no more. Just look at what happened to me after I stopped doing coke. My whole everything changed. I look from within. I started telling more stories.

You know, I became a little bit more active up on stage. Little things. I know that the cocaine holds you back. I don't give a fuck when anybody tells you. I know if you bring Richard Pratt back from the grave today, as much as he liked Coke, as much as I did, he'll tell you.

There's a big difference on stage when you're doing coke and you're not doing Coke. You know, I heard Kesson got clean for a while before he died. I heard he was fucking great. It was two different fucking people. You connect more with your material. Your heart's not blocked. The drugs block your heart.

The drugs block your heart. Certain drugs block your heart. Marijuana doesn't block my heart from my standup. But when I would do cocaine, it would take away the humanity from my standup. It was a computer saying material. That's the big difference I feel. That's the difference I feel since I haven't done drugs and do comedy. Obviously, I don't think you're going to say, like, people need to do drugs to be a good comic.

But do you think, like, the mixture of failures or just getting over something makes you a better work or a person? I don't know. Do you think if life's too easy, you're not going to access these parts of you? Listen, man, you've got to learn how to dig deep. in your life things are going to happen in your life parents dying you know animal dies

a lover a wife a good friend you know you decide when you don't want to fail anymore you wake up one morning and go you know what life's going to give me flat ties right

batteries are going to die right people are going to cut you off right it's going to rain powers are going to go out hurricanes are going to happen earthquakes these are all things I cannot control I can't control this shit

I go in the car right now and I go to switch the car and I can't control that that's not my fault I can't control that I can control a few things which is me and my actions I can't control what you doing.

I wish I could. I wish I could tell people, you can't. You can't control people. When I was being fucking crazy, who was going to control me? People spoke to me. I took their words to heart. I'm not going to lie to you. And the older I got, I took better advice.

You know, the older you get, you take better advice because you see, you're failing. I am failing. And he's not lying. This guy's not lying to me. This chick is not lying to me. I'm not doing the job. You know, you know how many jobs I had that people came up to me? Like, you're not doing a good job?

Like, and I quit. Whatever. It was something I wasn't into. When I installed gutters, not gutters, I had installed pipe for a while. I think I quit after three days. Like, you know, sprinkler pipe? Okay, yeah.

And they go, ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch. you had to dig like 5 and 3 quarter inches exactly. I'm like, what's it between 5 and 3 quarters and 6? Right. Inches. The guy couldn't even give me an answer. And him and his wife would break my balls every day. I remember like it was

yesterday, 1983 the summer. I'm out there sweating my ass off and they're like, ah, this is 5 and 3 8s. Doesn't matter. Just put the fucking thing in. Then the inspector came one day. That's when it really pissed me over. He goes, it wouldn't

it wouldn't hurt to be six inches and the guy's like, yeah, but and I'm like, you know what you are? You're a sack of shit is what you are. I'm on my hands and knees, taking little patches of dirt, putting it in a whole thing like if I'm building a fucking Lego track here,

like I'm on that fucking show building Lego that as an adult. I'd only go fuck himself after four fucking days. You got me in here on my hands and knees. Because what's six inches? The fucking blade is six inches. So I would measure it from the fucking blade exactly. He would come, and it doesn't have anything to do with this.

What I'm telling you is I had everything, you know, like I had all those fucking jobs. I failed that, you know, failing makes you fucking tough. Failing at different, nobody's going to fucking hit it big. I wish they do. I wish anybody who sang a song on YouTube hit it big. I wish it was that easy. But it's not. That's why I love people go, I'm going to make this video go viral.

That's why right now, I'm living here 23 years, I love when people tell me I got a new age. What's that going to do for you? Right. What's that going to do for you? In today's world, the new age ain't going to do nothing for you because you're not going after it. You have to go after.

You have to get breakdowns. You have to sit there and look through the breakdowns. And that's at 8 in the morning. They come out like the night before, and then they keep coming out every couple hours. So you have to sit there as an actor on the computer. You're not supposed to get those. Those are illegal.

But people sell them to you. You go to a fucking agent's assistant and say, dog, I need the breakdowns. I give you $200 a month. What? Boom. You have to break downs every fucking morning as soon as they get to the office. It's something that we've talked about before, but it's just I was talking with Steve tomorrow about it last night.

because you said that a failure makes you stronger, and it does, but it can also break you down. And I think one of the hardest things is that when you're growing up, it feels like, okay, you do something, and then this happens, and it's over. Now, as an adult, you just keep doing it. You just have to keep forever, and there's no retirement. Like, you have to work out forever. You have to look at the breakdowns forever. Forever. It drags on you.

What if you got an office job tomorrow? You have to do it forever. What if you became a cop? You got to do it forever. That's why I stress here, don't go for money. Go for what you love doing because you're going to have to do it forever. So I ask forever. Every day.

And a certain fucking way. You know, a certain way. I have a friend that's been at UPS since 19. That was the only job he's ever had in his whole life, his UPS, started as a loader. You know, the more failures you have, the tougher you become. The tougher you become. You fall down, you get up. You fall down, you get up.

You try that joke, it doesn't work. You write another one. That one doesn't work, you write another one. That one doesn't work, you write another one. You know, you build the house, the house falls. Fuck it. we build another one. This one has held, but the roof was fucking shaky.

You know, you don't build the perfect house the first time. You know, that's why you use some of the experience. And then the more houses you build, you lose those people. Pretty soon you're building houses. And then the big thing is not to have a big enough ego, not to take advice from people. That's the problem that you have. That some people rather do something wrong

then ask for advice and do it right. Why do it wrong? Do it right the first time. Even though it's, you know, listen, man, I'm doing comedy, I see what Bert's doing, and Tom Segura and Sebastian are doing, and Bill Burr is doing it,

and I'm like, maybe I'm doing something wrong. I know for a fact I'm doing wrong, but I guarantee, Segura is on the other hand saying to himself, maybe I'm doing something wrong. We all have a self-doubt. You have self-doubt, but it's also interesting because you guys, it seems like at that level,

you guys are all doing the same thing, but you do it a little bit differently for whatever works for you. It has to work for you. This life has to work for you. You're playing this life on home field. It's your home field. For years,

you're playing away. One day you finally get to play at home field. Now you've got to figure out how to play at home every week. And stack it so it works for you. That's it. It has to work for you. It has to make you happy. It has to work out for your family.

What you do affects every little piece of everything that happens, you know. It has to work for you. If I was 29 right now, not married, no mercy, no podcast. And I was selling comedy clubs out. Never mind theaters. You wouldn't see me in this town. You'd be on the road all over.

I'd be on the road every Thursday, Friday, Saturday. Leave Wednesday night. I would not take the 8 o'clock flight back on Sunday morning. I would take the 6 o'clock flight back. Get here at midnight, sleep all day Monday, and do it all over again. I would probably take December and January off, and I would work those other fucking whatever weeks, because that's what I'm allowed to do. I don't have a responsibility.

I don't have to be here. Everybody has different things. Guess what? Bert has two daughters. Bert likes going out heavy on big heavy tours You know it's a party for Bert That works for Bert You know Tom does little tours

He was in this weekend Christina's out for a few weeks You know they switch So you have to make it work for you But I'm not even talking about comedy I'm talking about even life You know I work in this fucking way out

Joey, you know, I don't do nothing at night. Then work nights and have you, you'd rather be off in the daytime. You'd rather be out in the 80-degree fucking weather. Work fucking nights then. You can work from home now? There's a lot of jobs you can work from home. There's so many different options that you have. But that's what we're talking about.

Right now, you're always playing on the away. One day you play on your field. It takes time to get life to be on your playing field. Once you get it on your playing field, now you have to keep it there. That's the secret. Knowing what to do once you get there. I can't wait to be a headliner.

I can't wait to be a master electrician. I can't wait to own my own bar. And then you get there and you fail. Because you weren't prepared for that. You were just focused on getting there. You didn't think about what you were going to do when you got there. Or you didn't even eat out you knew. It's time, I'm just going to buy a,

fucking bar and have a fucking great time. No. No. You got to fucking measure the shots. No, you got to see what your profit the fucking beer ratio is. You got to see what your busy times are. This isn't just a fucking party. And that's what a lot, you know, I always bring Houston up. Houston comedy, number one, the country. Fucking best open mics, best everything for years.

The problem was it was too much of a party. and when comics went down there, the top comics, they would lose their mind for six days. Like Bert does. He loses his fucking mind like I would do for six days. I wouldn't go to sleep while I heard birds out. You know, my goal was to go get calacchi's at eight. Snort Coke, because I go get calacchi's at eight.

I don't have no responsibilities. You know, you could only do that for so fucking long, and then things start happening. And then you start getting sick. So you have to make these little adjustments in your life, no matter what it is. You know how hard it is for a guy who's trying to raise a family

that all of a sudden he gets sick and he has to tell his job. He can't work that many hours a week. You know, I know for me right now, at my age, if you're paying to come see me on the week, I'm going to tell you something. Whether it's the late show, the second show, I'm going to give you fucking everything I got.

I'm going to give you everything I fucking got. I can't do that if I do that Wednesday through Saturday. But at the time you see me Friday night, I'm going to be dog shit. I'm going to be honest with you. If you see I'm coming to your town and I worked that Wednesday, don't even bother paying the money you come seeing me. I'm telling you, at least I'm honest with you. I'm going to be dog shit because I'm 57.

This doesn't work for me no more. You know what? Two shows on a Friday and two shows on a Saturday work for me. great. They great. When I go to Tempe, Valentine's Day, I do that Thursday, I'll be fine. Because I want to do radio. I get up. I stay up late. Bye. I work out. I have a friend to work out with. My buddy owns fucking Ten Planet, Phoenix, you know, whatever down there. So I got different options. But the Wednesday through Sunday, shit, Sunday, you really want to come see me Sunday? You're going to see pure dog shit.

You're going to see somebody going through the fucking motions. Why? Because I'm not 29 no more. But guess what? I know this. So when agents call me and say, hey, do this. No. Because I won't be able to cover the spread for those people on this. I'm doing a tricky week in May and people are worried. Like, why are you doing this? You never do this. Because I know I could do it because I have nothing else before that and nothing else

after that for a long fucking time. So it's like, like now you see, it's not that you don't, or can't fail, but you notice where failures are and you avoid it. So if I was going to work at something,

that's a failure. When I took all those pre-economic classes, I learned a lot. I finally got to take those economic classes and figure them out into life.

And it's the same thing in life, you know, with employees. You know, how, when you look at an employee, when you have a tire shop, okay, and your tire shop is open six to six, that's a 12 hour fucking day. Yeah. We're young. We could do that shit six days a week. In fact, I did it six days a week. I could work that shit six days a week. I can work at seven fucking days a week.

But then in time, you're going to see that as you get older, but you're still going to do it because your family needs the money. Your family needs the money. You never put away money. Your family needs the money or whatever. How good is an employee? Like, you have to decide on, like our friend Bob Lingu's, he's an accountant. Okay?

Church family. I don't want him work on 11-hour days. because after eight hours he's going to be giving away my fucking monies, my account. He's going to be paying bills that aren't even fucking do. He's seen so many fucking numbers. So everybody has

a different thing that they could do. Some people have six hours. You know, if you have a computer firm today and I hire you at, to be a data entry guy, are you really going to be putting data entry in eight hours a day?

Not really. You listen to Tom Seguori, you listen to Joey Diaz, you listen to Bill Burr, you listen to NPR, you're watching fucking Schultz videos, right? Matt Schultz videos, Andrew. Andrew Schultz videos. You're looking at an old Patrice O'Neill video. You're looking at a fucking Mitch Hedberg video. Bottom line, I really got you for five fucking hours. Yeah, that best, you.

So why am I going to follow me? So now I learned that, you know what, I'm going to hire these guys for six hours. They're going to work five days a week. They're going to work 30 hours and not going to qualify to get insurance because they're still going to be part-time. You know, there's no overtime there because I'm going to bring another shift in at fucking 12 to work till 8. I want my guys fresh.

You always want your guys fresh. You know, when you have these fires, you have these firemen that go into like two days without sleeping. God bless their hearts. But the longer that they're tired, the more shit can happen. the more little mistakes could happen. They could fall off a cliff. They could fall onto a roof that's not secured.

So with me, with comedy now, I know exactly what I can do. You know, next thing I'm going to Tempe. Guess what I'm doing two shows at the store this Sunday night. I'm not going out next Tuesday. Really? Okay. Yeah, because I want to be Thursday night. I want to be ready for them.

So I already have it planned out already. I look at my month, and I can tell you what I'm, gonna be doing. March I had to move my brayer dates to June because I'm shooting some movies. So I had to move that one date from March whatever to June 4th through the 7th. So my march is gonna be really fucking easy. So my April could be a little heavier. But this year, if you look at my schedule, it's gonna be light all the way till about August. Then August, December, we're going off. I'm going off big time, you know.

And I'll rest in jail. I'll take all the January of. Yeah, but it's just, it's, it's nice hearing it from someone because, yeah, like, especially now for me, and I have to, but I'm in the mode where I take every gig guy get offered because I want to, I want a choice. But, but at a certain point, I will, at a certain point, I'll be hopefully in a similar position to you headlining. Ten years.

But you have to turn off, like, you have to, a, you have to, a, you have to, a, you know, just and be like, okay, you don't take everything now. I met my wife 20 years ago. That means I was doing stand-up seven years when I met her. I got her involved in my stand-up.

I let her get involved before that I would argue with her and bang heads with her. I let her get involved in like 208 and everything changed. Okay, I let her get involved in 208 and everything changed because she stopped me from

being a whore. I was talking to a comic friend of mine the other day, and I said to him, it's time for you to start listening to your wife more because we're whores. Once you become a comic, you become a whore. Like the man said, if ISIS started a streaming

service, you would call your agent tomorrow. If I told you right now, trust me, I know people do it. I know people tape for people if ISIS started a streaming service. That's the whores we are living in L.A.

As comics, actors, writers were fucking whores. That's why you have to get somebody opposite you. That's not a whore. That'll say to you, that deal ain't worth it. That's not worth it. That's not worth it. But by 2008, I already had five movies under my belt. I had 10 TV shows under my belt.

You know, I already had a CD. I didn't have to do this shit I was doing. I could turn stuff down. You're in no position to turn anything down. Like a roller skating rink that they're rush and they're not going to understand you. You still go there. Whether they're paying you or not.

It's a set. And right now all you're looking for is sets. You know, I've done plenty of movies. I don't agree with it. I don't agree with it. I don't agree with me doing a 12-hour movie and your apprenticeship is you're working for free. That's not my game at all.

I'm never going to agree to that for anybody in my world. I don't want anybody working for free in my world. Never. But it's good to do once in a while. It's good to do from time. For stand-up, it's just an hour. It's just 10 minutes you're doing for free. It's not like you're doing 24 hours.

was hey whatever then we gotta pay you but in the beginning you know I always knew there was no money I wanted to fall in love with it first there's an intimate detail I want to talk about about somebody but I can't when I dated this girl in the beginning because of everything I had done before I didn't have that much sex when I was my wife that's why our relationship lasted because I didn't make it about sex. I made it about us having a bond at first. I didn't make it about us having great sex. Everybody gets married after they have great sex.

Then they realize they don't have a fucking bond. Right, yeah. You can have great sex with a fucking donkey. You know, if that pussy's tight enough and she warms up her lips, you don't know what your dick will feel like. You know what I'm saying? I mean, I'm not saying that I want to have fucking sex with donkey. I'm just saying that we sell our,

we judge our fucking love by how good the pussy is. But she's a failure as a fucking woman. She sleeps all day. She don't get up. She won't get a job. She don't clean. You got fruit flies. Your kids go to school dirty.

But she sucks your dick for a half hour. She puts a lighter under your nutsack and that frees you out. So that's why you stay with it. Right. We make men make, men and women make bad, whatever decisions. because of the sex. And guess who made a bunch of those? Me, you know, a girl would suck your balls.

I'm marrying that bitch. Thank God I didn't marry her. But, yeah, I was like that. I was shallow like that. Yeah. I was very shallow like that. It's a mindset. When I met my wife, I made sure that our relationship

wasn't based on sex at first. I would take her for coffee and then drop her off and she would look at me like, you're not coming up. Not really. Keep that away, everybody. Yeah, because I want, and she even asked me, and I told her at the eight-month mark, I explained her why we're doing this.

And she was like, oh, okay. And then, you know, then after that erupted, and we started having sex, and everybody was happy. But I really wanted to fall in love with somebody. Yeah. Something that we don't do naturally. We've forgotten because everything is about the instant fuck, the hookup, the this, to that.

Wouldn't it just be nice? To talk to somebody. It would be great. Coffee and really have fun with somebody. When was the last time you were with somebody really genuine, that you really, really, really enjoyed them? Because what good is the blow job? If once you start talking, I'm waiting to put a gun in my mouth.

Yeah, that's... I mean, that girl Ayahuasca, whatever her name was. You wanted to stick a gun in your mouth. Her milkshake, that describes... I mean, obviously, I need to lose weight, but not even... I could date right now, but that's, that is exactly why I don't. Is the idea, the idea of going through, like, and not that they're bad people, but just

they're not for me, like, we're not for each other. And I'm sure girls have been on dates with me, like, Jesus Christ, what is he talking about? Like, that whole process is awful. Awful. Just like, I don't even want to put myself through it. Awful. It's an awful process.

But since you were saying it, you know. We have to just talk about it. That's what this podcast today just made me realize that I had to really go for it at the age of 27 when I got out at halfway house. And I want to wish my daughter a happy 30th. Even though she doesn't want to speak to me anymore, what are you going to do? I have accepted it. I have moved on. It was, you know, she's judging me by the boy that I used to be, not the man I became.

so fuck everybody. You know what I'm saying? I do this to make my friends happy. I want the people around me to be happy and most importantly I want to be happy. And that's it. I hope this podcast helps you out in one way or another. We always start the first of the month

with just us just to fucking get out some bullshit. Some people like it. Some people don't. Go fuck yourself. I'm the Captain Kirkland of this. I'm a fucking enterprise. I understand me. Don't forget, February 13th through the 15th, Tempe Improv, next weekend.

And then February 28th, I'm a treasure motherfuckeran island with Dean Del Rizzi for one night only. It's a Friday night. It's either 28 or the 29th. I don't know. Go look at the fucking calendar and choose for yourself. That's all I got in February. Like I said, I keep it slow because I want to give you the best show. It's like the store.

I could get a spot at the same. store every night. Okay? I played safe. You're coming from fucking England to see me? I don't want to eat a bag of dicks in front of you. Right. You know what I'm saying? I'm going to eat a bag of dicks from time to time.

I think I did last Tuesday in one of those nights. You were saying you had two rough sets? Yeah, I had two rough sets. And that happens. But if I went to the store every night, I guarantee bomb three nights. Bomb three times. Because you're doing seven sets. Right.

You're going to go 50%, 60%. I'm just playing percent. Guys, I just play percentages. You know, I think out of all the places I did last year, I bombed in like three. I know I bombed in New Orleans. I know I bombed them one of the shows in San Fran. You know, it just doesn't go your way. But you do, the more shows you do, the more you bomb, but the better you get.

Do you see what I'm saying? Right. So a setback, you know, is also. You know, when I was a roof, I can't tell you how many roofs I lit on fire. When we were doing hot tar roofs, oh my God. You know the roofs on fire? By mistake, I don't know what I'm doing. That's why I didn't like fucking hot tar roofs.

I like ballasted roofs with rocks and shit. Once I had to do that hot tar shit, that was not for me. That shit was not for me. Those things would blow up. You don't know how many Mexicans I see burn from that hot tar and shit like that. Because they always, always Mexicans. get burned. Every time because they're by them fucking machine. The thing blows

up, yeah, I don't, you know, I'm all right, man. I'm just trying to put the pieces together. I'm just trying to, I'm just trying to fucking stay alive here. Oh, I just have an image of a roof on fire. Oh, please. Because you've got to put that hard tire on it and then

I can't tell you how many of those machines went on fire when I was on the roof. And I'd walk away sometimes. One time I just flew down the ladder. Like, what are you doing? There's a fire up there. up there with a fire extinguish. I look like a fucking guy with a fucking dog with spots. I ain't no fucking

fire, man. I'm not going up there. It's terrible. What am I going to do? I don't know nothing about fires. Listen, I'm going to tell you once. I'm going to tell you a thousand times. Right now the big thing in this country is the fucking rip-off of CBD.

I saw it with that yin-yang juice 20 years ago. Remember that juice they used to sell the Chinese thing and they started selling out liquor stores and you would drink it and it would taste like shit. I saw it then and I'm seeing it with CBD now. Don't buy none unless you know what the fuck you're buying. I don't give a fuck what the guy tells you at the store.

CBDLion.com. That's the way to go. Go to their website and look at that third party test results. They're going to make your mind spin. Read up about what CBD really is, what it's got in. I mean, a CBD line is so good is that they have a CBD for you. your ailment, whether it's pain, it's anxiety, whether it's you can't sleep at night. If you go on CBDLion.com, look at their third-party lab test results.

Your fucking head's going to spend. This is not no mummo-jumbo fucking we sell CBD sign on the quarter. These people are a real deal. From vapid pens, which do not use the acetate vitamin neon, so you're not going to see. Nobody's dying no more. You notice that? That's it. two-week thing. That, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that I ran war. Now I'm getting

bound with Chinese people with surgical masks. Every two weeks is something fucking different, but they don't use the vitamin E acetate. That's what was giving you a little lung infection. They got the shatter. They got the tinctia. They got the gummies, strawberry, raspberry, uh, orange fucking delicious. They got this new CBD, like a nighttime CBD. They got bad salts that you put in your bath and you're laying. When it comes to CBD, CBD Lion is the fucking king. Don't believe the motherfucking hype. Go to CBDLion.com and press in church

and get 20% off your first order to the house. Now, just because the Super Bowl happened yesterday, oh, Joey, what am I going to bet on? What are you going to bet on? What are you fucking kidding me? What you do is you got college basketball, but the good thing about college basketball is, yeah, You got your Nebraska's and you got your fucking

UCLA's and your Arkansas's and you know the dames. But you also got these little fucking schools that nobody knows about. That's where the money's at. That's where my bookie comes in. Why? Because they're the home.

They got the biggest lineup of prop bets of any sports book in the business, period. Even though the big game is over, listen, that doesn't mean you're not going to make any more money. There's tons of money out there. You got the NBA. You got hockey.

but you got college basketball. But don't go betting all those fucking teams you see on the ESPN. You got to look deep, deep, Cinesias, shit like that. Essex State, you know, one of those fucking schools where you barely get into it. You got to be a half a MOOC to get in there. Those are the ones you bet. You understand?

Your Uncle Joey knows what I'm talking about. And my book, he offers you the most up-to-date odds that they are out there. And if you deposit right now, they're going to match your deployment. positive halfway. Joey, what's that mean? That means that that's basically free cash for you to throw down on your best bet. If you've been sitting on your fucking hands all season, listen to Uncle Joey, don't wait anymore. Take advantage of my bookie.ag. Right now, today, sign up today. I know ESPN got a college game on to you tonight. I know for a fact. All week long, plus you got the NBA, you got a thousand. Look at all those people that bet fucking, the, fucking, the last year,

Lakers the first night they played after Kobe Bryant, rest of peace, died. Fucking Portland went and beat them. Everybody in their mother bet the fucking Lakers that night. Everybody had the Lakers at home. Listen, this is a crazy business. I'm here to help you out. MyBooky.org. And like I said, if you deposit right now, like a thousand bucks, don't match you deposit

halfway with 500. Free cash for you to gamble. Take advantage. Mybooky. press in code church C-H-U-R-C-H when you make your deposit That's code church

To give you a bank roll To give your bank roll A motherfuckering jump start MyBooky.com You play, you win You get paid And that's it I'm happy you guys listen today

I want to wish my daughter A happy birthday Jackie Diaz She calls herself something else now. What are you going to do with the name is Jackie Diaz? I wish her happy birthday. And I hope you guys got something out of my story today. I didn't have much to tell you.

But whatever it is, keep hanging in there. Don't give up. Don't quit. It's not worth the aggravation unless it's worth. I've quit a lot of things that's worth quitting. But the most important thing I wasn't going to quit, I didn't quit. And I'm very proud of that today. Again, I'll see you in Tempe next weekend.

And two weeks from then, I'll see you at beautiful Treasure Island in Las Vegas. I love you guys. Have a great day. We'll be back Thursday morning, tip-top, motherfucking Magoo. Stay black. Have a good day. I love you.