The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #758 - Jessimae Peluso

Episode Date: February 6, 2020

Jessimae Peluso, a stand up comedian, actress, and host of the "Sharp Tongue" podcast, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt LIVE in studio. This podcast is brought to you by: ZipRecruiter - post your job to 200+ job sites with a single click for free at www.ziprecruiter.com/church   Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH at checkout for a 10% discount on your first order.

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Jess and May Paluso. What's happening? How are you? Why am I one of the best? You retweet me a lot. I appreciate that. I love your shit. I love your shit because I can see you while you're doing it.

Yeah. Like the whole fucking, the positions in the mornings. The butt in the evenings. The butt in the evening. The bikini running through. And you do everything very classy. It's not, everything is very funny and very silly. I'm sure that you don't get to.

a lot of people saying, show me your tits. No, I don't. No. I really don't. I must be doing it wrong. No, they see where you're doing it from.

So it's not like, ah, she's doing it from a fucking, you know, you get in a picture with your tits out, and they're going to say, take those sugar mommas out. I don't get any dickpicks.

No, who wants? You don't ask for those. Who the fuck? I know. It's not a, it's an interesting body part. I think I'd rather,

I'm not even going to say what I'd rather have, because I know if I say it on this, it's going to show up in my DMs. Just a bunch of taints. It's weird. I don't know. I don't have an impressive one,

but just by itself. Your dick? Yeah, it's just okay. So I've never, like, I've sent it a couple times, but, like,

it's not something I would go to. Do you have casual dick energy? Not like big dick energy, say it's like more casual? Very casual. Are you happy with it? I could always use more, but I'm not depressed about it.

That's good. Listen, that was when I said, I'd send a picture to my dick to your mother. That's how good dick can look. Can you send one to her now? No, I'm 57. Nobody wants to see a picture of my dick.

I'll let you're 87. Do Dick's age? Yeah, they age. They get old. What's the first thing you noticed? Like the change where you're like, oh, I'm getting older. The color? The color changes?

Yeah, it starts getting like this weird opulic. Like opaque? Yeah, like your balls get darker. Whoa. It gets darker. Are you tanning without pants on? No. Okay.

Yeah. Well, what am I going to go? So imagine you covering your shaft and have your nuts in the sun. I'm going to go somewhere and get 20 fucking years because I won't bite them in my dick. Remember two months ago? The people who let their ass. So that's, you know, those are fucking put, then they get raped and then they cry. They get raped by bald eagles.

No, can you imagine walking and seeing some guy laying there with his legs wide open? Oh, God, it sounds terrible. And let's say you're gay and crazy. Like, because gay people live that certain lifestyle sometimes. They don't give a fuck. If I'm sitting here with my ass, why? open it means it's a parking spot yeah get in there so you never know but it's just crazy out there it is crazy did you put your but hole in the sun I wanted to

but I didn't my what I wanted to put my butt hole in the sun and get the vitamin D right through the dirt star but I didn't do it oh listen just go outside and get vitamin D on your face and do that's enough yeah it is enough that's it yeah why do we have to put our butt holes out you know when they did a study it was funny one time I went to the doctor and he said to me off the cuff he goes by the way you're physical you look good but you need more vitamin D go out and get sunlight and I got in the car and I go what the fuck is he talking about and weeks later months later I don't fucking know I saw an ad an article that Californians I like the worst with vitamin D yeah well we don't get enough no what because we're not out we're scared

most Californians are actually scared the sun because the sun can't answer and whatever it's called. Yeah, you need like 15 minutes a day. Pure sunlight, no SPF. I think that that's, I pay with the taxes I fucking pay. If the sun is out, you guarantee if I have a, there's a part of the day where you just have to return 18 calls. Oh, fuck.

Or emails or whatever. But the calls are the main ones when I just go outside, I sit on my steps. That's nice. And I get that 230 sun. And I'll just sit there for 30 minutes. call it. Get that fresh D. Just get that fresh D. There's a tree right there, which I'm getting some chlorophyll.

I'm getting some fucking tree. Yeah, you get some fresh air. You know, you live in California. You pay these taxes. You know, I was talking to somebody who said they bought a house and they're moving down to the beach. Shit. And I go, you know, what do you think?

And he goes, you know, it's a pricey situation. But he goes, I'm a block away from a fucking Starbucks. I could walk. And he goes, if I'm going to be away from my family, I'm going to raise my kids on the beach. Yeah, I see that. I want them to be on the beach. And sometimes we sit here and we're like, well, you know, we live in Glendale.

You live in fucking. I'm on the west side. You're on the west side. You're on the west side. We're the, you're from fucking Syracuse. Yeah, I'm from coldest, snowbelt. And I'm from fucking Jersey. Cold places.

Not one of us live on the beach. We all grew up on the image of California one big beach. Did you do lakes as a kid? We did lakes. That's the closest we got to the ocean was like a dirty-ass lake. You know, I was like, I was a... Did you guys ever vacation like that? If I did five lakes in my life, it was a...

You'd be surprised. I'd be surprised. We have one of the dirtiest lakes in the country in Syracuse, on a dog of lake. It's just filled with trash. It's just filled with chemicals, so we didn't really have that. I used to do swimming. Right. Competitions that and shit like that.

You did competitive swimming? Like for a while, I did not. Even Boulder Rev. Boulder Res, I think that was what it was called. Right, like a reservoir. Before I got locked up, I got into master swimming program before and after. Yeah. And she talked me into even doing a biathlon where you ride a bike and you swim a mile.

It was one of those fucking type of things. Sounds like a nightmare. No, I was cool. I wouldn't be able to get through that. I'm just always nervous in the water now. Yeah, why so? I don't know why. Are you not a good swimmer?

No, tremendous swimmer. Is it different in like a lake versus a point? Yeah, there's so many critters in the ocean. You got a pool, you got a lake, and you have a fucking ocean, okay? In rivers. And then in pool, you go as a workout, you go to your friends out. You're hanging out. You got a nice heated pool.

You jump in. Every time I go on a heated pool, I fucking do like a little exercise. Yeah. You go all the way deep on your bends. You can throw punches for 10 minutes. I want that video. Cocoa Diaz's water aquatics. I just went a couple weeks ago with my daughter.

to, I take them every year down to the whole, it's the New Year's, we go down to a hotel. And they got 18 pools. Yeah. And the one that I'm sitting there fucking on the balcony trying to smoke a number, freezing the death, and I see a guy in the pool, and I see steam coming out of it.

When I checked in, I asked the fucking do it. All the pools cold, he goes, yeah, there's no heated pools. The next day I found out, and I've been to this hotel four fucking times, and I finally found out. The pool right in front of it, is heated as fuck. That's nice.

Warm piss heat. I love warm piss heat. And there's a jacuzzi next to it that it's hot and you go back and go back and you do the little interval. It's tremendous. That's nice. So I'm like, fuck it. I went down there all four days this time and I would go in.

Because I, my shoulders are done. So I can't do overhead and go overhead and I can't do, I'm too fat to do the other one. Have you ever thought about doing stem cells? So what I do is just pull, push and pull. The stem cells is needles and blood. Yeah, that's right. So, and you're not feeling that life. I'm going to have Dean Delray on soon.

Me and Dean flew one time, and he was telling me the procedure. And Dean's a good guy, you know, and Dean was telling me that when they were taking the blood out to clean it, and then before they put it back on his neck, he said he passed out. I'm not surprised. While they were taking the blood out, she brought him. back brought him a smoothie but the fucking blood kept going I would die a hematology smoothie I would die like a fruit smoothie listen when they take if you're a normal fat fuck like if you're a fat person like me when they take more than a little tube of blood out of you the first thing you open

your eyes is you want a can of coke yeah the blood sugar the blood sugar yeah you drop a kind of Coke fucking put you right back tip-top macool. Everything, whatever was happening. Tip-top, ma-goo. Yeah, whatever was happening, happened. You know what I'm saying? And if you got a turkey sandwich with cheese, even better. That's probably, everybody used to give blood,

because a lot of times you have to give blood with no food in your stomach. Right. That's torture for you guys like me. No food, no fucking coffee. Just mouthwash. You got to go down there. You got to suck on that mouthwash the whole way down there. Man, this mint is good.

You're pulling there. You got mouthwise. As soon as that needle comes out, all I'm thinking about is about food. I would bring fucking food with me. I was going to ask you brought a turkey sandwich? Yeah, I would bring fucking, I would make my wife make sure that a nice, dirty Swiss on toast with a slice of tomato, make two of them in a can of Coke. And I would fucking inhale the Coke.

Oh, my God. When you have surgery and they take you to recovery, what do they give you? That trashy hospital food? They give you applesauce first to whatever, to blend into your system. Yeah, easy digestion. And then after that, they show up with a turkey sandwich that you get a better sandwich in prison. Yeah, you really do. You get a better sandwich that was in the trash.

It's a 7-Eleven sandwich. Oh, no. Which I'm not against if they're fresh. It's almost worse. It's like a 7-Eleven sandwich that had been left out in the air for a couple days. No, no, they're not that bad. I mean, at the hospital, they give you a little fucking. fucking ketchup, little mustard so you're not fucking eating.

Yeah, so you're not like... The fucking Swiss cheese is sticking for the sun on your mouth. Dry mouth from a fucking turkey sandwich. What's going on with you, just a maple loose sandwich? I know you're a big activist on stuff. Yeah. I really love that you breast cancer, fucking vets. I don't know, who else?

Alzheimer's. Alzheimer's. Yeah, my father passed away from it in 2018, and I just come, you know, smoke weed and talk to my fans. Tonight actually every Wednesday at 5 o'clock Pacific I answer questions and just get stoned and bring a little awareness to the disease Let people know the stigma and the wrong things about it And try and bring some light to it and bring some joy You know a little joy

Is there a way to avoid Alzheimer's or is it genetic? That's it running your family From what I understand the percentage of familial Alzheimer's Like the genetic side is a very low percentage that it's mainly from the things that I've read and what I've learned, that it's an inflammatory disease of the brain, which is caused by a lot of extenuating circumstances, stress, oxidative stress, emotional stress, environmental stress, your diet, diet's a huge factor. There's a really good book by Dr. Lisa Moscone called Brain Food, which is all about the correlation

between what you eat and the degradation of your brain and the synapses and all of the amyloids that build up the plaques that cause Alzheimer's and sort of how food can help prevent those sort of things happening. Do you eat a certain way because of it? It changed the way I eat. It changed everything. Yeah.

I took a look at what I was eating and I was scared. I mean, from a personal standpoint, it was my dad. I didn't want to lose him, but also I share his blood. So it made me worried that I'm going to be predisposition to this. So, you know, it made me definitely switch what I eat, but I still enjoy shit. I like, I mean, fuck grilled cheese sandwiches are so good. Mac and cheese, anything with cheese is so fucking good. But that food is brutal on your body.

It's brutal. I mean, it's like between a grape or a mac and cheese. Come on. You can go mac and cheese all day. But it definitely made me switch it up, consider things more. What do you avoid? I try to avoid dairy. I try to avoid processed meat.

mainly meat in general, processed enriched flour, any sort of fake bread, anything that doesn't perish within a long time. I try and eat as healthy and clean as I can. I just had a really interesting study yesterday. More than four slices of bacon a week will fucking kill you. You know what? I'm done. How many slices of bacon are you eating? I only eat two slices at a time because it's only three-way watcher points.

Right. That's good Two pieces You look younger and Brighter than I've remembered For a long time I told it to you last time I saw you Look like you've gotten more fit

Are you doing? A lot Yeah You look younger No You look more rested It's the weights Yeah and that I focus

That I won't Fuck it I will not stop preaching that Rogan podcast When he had the guy on About sleep Sleep

I had not Stop preaching it I love the Stephen, the fucking Stephen Tyler podcast at Rogan. I could name you the top 10 Rogan fucking podcast, but the one that changed my life completely was the sleep one. Yep. Weight wise. Sleep is huge for Alzheimer's too. Sleep is huge, guys.

That's when your brain cleans itself out. I did. You know, Lee thinks I goof on him. I swear to my fucking daughter, my wife, anything that's sacred to me. this podcast, I stopped taking naps at like three. Yeah. When my father died, something happened that my mother told me, she goes, for some reason, you're triggering was you can't sleep in the daytime you were waiting for him.

So for a long time, I didn't take a nap until I started dating a stripper. In 1990, fucking five. I would imagine you need a nap dating a stripper. Because she would get home at two. Right. She'd get up at eight. We'd do our shit. Yep.

We'd go back. I'd give her a stab. You're on the stripper schedule. And then we'd take the, we'd take the 230 to five nap. And she'd get up. She'd eat healthy, you know, turkey burgers and mushrooms and stuff. And then I'd drop her off at the strip club. But she was the first person that introduced me.

To naps? They're so vital. I was out all day. I was raised to one. You get up, you're done. And look at that generation now. That generation. And then now I'm mixing the cocaine.

Oh, no sleep. You put in your brain on so much stress. Oh, my God. And then throw in a disease that I acquired in like 98. What? I didn't know that is the number one growing disease in men that will take you out. It will take you out. And people fucking don't have an idea.

Sleep apnea will take you out. Oh, yeah. Sleep apnea will take you out. No fucking quickly. The first time late guys, I'm telling you, and I'm telling you for your own good. The first time your girlfriend, your mother, your father, your grandfather,

anybody says to you, listen, man, I heard you snoring last night. Just stop what you're doing. Stop it. Come to the realization that it's going to get worse. It might not be a year, it might not be two years, but in three years you're going to start running into this fucking wall.

And unless you've had sleep-abby, it's tough to describe it. I hate doctors. What causes it? Do you know what causes it? Fat. So it's more prevalent in heavy weight. Heavy guys, but no, but Rogan's got it.

Really? Yeah. So. That's interesting. That's right. I remember him saying that. Yeah, he sleeps at the mouthpiece. But he's got the stature of like a water buffalo.

Right. You know what I mean? But there's a lot of guys like when I went like, that's funny. When I first got diagnosed with it, the first time I went for the day. the doctor for it you know who was there Gary Gorman 2001 2001 was the first time I even considered going to the doctor and Goldman was there and I remember falling asleep and I'm going this is fucked up what you have and we started talking about it and then I bumped into him at the improv and he goes hey I looked that shit up that shit will kill you

at the time it was killing 20 it was killing 20 it was killing 20 25,000 people a year, 25,000 men a year. Yeah. Something. No, no, no. I'm sorry. The website at that time is getting 25,000 hits a year. Like, nobody really knew about it.

Then Reggie died to tackle from Philadelphia. He died from sleep happening because you wouldn't put the machine on. It's that big machine. Yeah. And it's got the pipe and it goes to the base and it's plugged into the wall. Now, when you don't sleep, it affects fucking. Every system.

Now I sit back and I think about it. I try to talk to you younger guys. I don't want you to sound like, oh, he sounds like my dad. Let me tell you something, man. I think of all this, I never slept. Lee thinks I goop on him like, I was on a two hour a night schedule. Two hours a night, three, four, four, five.

Now when you're 20, you get away with it. Oh, yeah, because you have energy. You get away with it in your 20s. in your life. When you're 30, you catch up to it. So it affects your mindset. It affects your moods.

Your hormone levels. Your cortisol. Everything. Your digestion. Your skin. You start gaining weight. When Lee and I started doing the podcast, I think I was holding on to like $2.95.

And we started doing the podcast, and I started going on the road. So Monday and Wednesday, I was working up at $4.45. You know, us. We don't got to bed until 12. I know. We're fucking going to wake up at 4.45. And then Thursday, I get up at 4 to take a flight. Friday radio.

Oh, which is so early. And then Saturday I slept. And then Sunday, you sleep three hours because I'm on the first flight out. Yep, got to get the hell out of the town. I remember going to the dock. That was 3.49. I gained 50 fucking pounds. I looked at my diet.

Yeah, I see what I go, oh. Not the sleeping. And then Rogan had that dude on. Yes. And I listened to it. the book. I read the book I read like a couple areas twice. I agreed with him in certain areas. Like I'm good on seven.

Seven, me too. I'm solid on seven. I'm seven. I'm solid. Yeah, if I'm under six, I'm a demon. Really? Oh God, if I get less than six hours, I can hurt an older woman. I'm good on seven. I'm good on seven, right? I focus on seven. Okay. You know what? There's some nights. I go to bed 11 and at 5 o'clock my dick is harder and fuck i gotta get up and get coffee yeah and sometimes i get so high i run my errands you know i put up the podcast i pick music i send a couple

emails yep i check this guy i fucking send the email to this chick and all sudden that ain't 30 once mercy leaves with my wife when my wife gets back we eat breakfast and i'll tell my wife there's nothing on the agenda go. And I'll wake up at 11 and then get up and, you know, like now I know I understand the importance of those. It's so vital. Everyone, you know, what's the whole saying about like sleep and success?

Like, you know, someone has told me before like, I think it was one of my agents. Like, well, maybe, you know, you need to sleep less and get more work done. And I was like, that is the dumbest thing anyone has ever said to anyone. No one who's successful has gotten there. because of less sleep. You know what I mean? Like, that whole idea is archaic now. Like, the only way to really become successful

and health and life and all of that is to take care of yourself first. And sleep is, I've come to really appreciate it. Every fucking morning I get up and I'm grateful and, you know, I still go to the comedy store. I'm still relevant. But I'm very grateful that I'm not in a hospital.

A friend of mine just diagnosed with stage one, whatever, can't say. He caught it early. That's good. He got some blood. He caught it early, blah, blah, blah. You know, so I think of how fortunate. But you said he goes, what have you been doing? I do everything I could do.

Like I drink water at night. I take those garlic pills in my heart to clean out the arteries. I go to acupuncture. I go to cry out. therapy not the last three days because we've been living in cryo fucking therapy but i go to novathor you know i lift heavy focused breathing a lot of weight yeah you're doing a lot of stuff i do i go to box i go to kickbox if i catch a kickboxing class because he alternates on tuesdays and thursdays you do classes when you're on the road too don't you look up a little bit but the fucking problem on

the road is you have two things on the road you have a thing called time zone yeah Yeah, which can always fuck you up. Especially when you're going from here, a little east coast. So it really fucks you up. So I was finding if I was at a place for three days, like if I got to a place on Thursday, the Thursday night show, if somebody had an 11 o'clock kickboxing class

that was Uber, you know, is Uber friendly, I would take the fucking kickboxing class. Then you've become friends with the people. You're like, I'm coming back Saturday, Saturday. It just wouldn't work. No. body. You're shot. You're shot. You're shot. Like this weekend, I'm going flying to Boston and they want you to do 5 a.m. press on Friday and then shows and then it's just, it's a lot. And then you're back on a

plane. And then you're back in the time zone. It's, it's so much for your body. Even as somebody who's like young and, you know, healthy, it takes a toll on you. I think of Raphaelah. God bless his soul. and I think of ever since he passed how it influenced me a lot. Yeah. If I wanted to keep doing what I was doing at this pace, how I could do it. And I had to stick to it. Like, you know, I had to sit my agent down and explain to him. I'm not 48.

I'm not 46. I could sit there and tell you I feel, I feel 50, I feel the change in the last two years. Like you feel more. vivacious like good or are you feeling a hard change I feel great right but I need my rest right you see what you need I need my pacing now I'm at a pace you know what listen yep I love going to fucking comedy still last night I had a great time I giggled I giggled in the back with the chick how late were you out I got it 1115 that's not bad I got that quick you know me yep I got that quick Bill Blumen Wright was there

A big shout out. Bill Burr's father-in-law was there, Mr. Hill. A big shout out. You know, I was talking to Joe. I was talking to Jesulnik. It's so easy to be stuck there. Yeah. It's like 2 a.m.

You're like, what the fuck? Yeah. No. I won't even do 2 a.m. It happened once a couple weeks ago. I was like, what the fuck? No. Oh, God.

I get out of there. But I cannot tell you that I do not miss those days. Yeah. Of it being a quarter to, like, where the fuck are we going to? And we'd all walk over to paint that or we'd get in a car and go to cactus. Yep. Cactus number eight on Vine across the street from Freddie Roaches, Jim over there. Oh, we would go over there and kill that fucking place.

Well, I first moved to, when I first started I go into the store, we would go right down the corner to Santa Monica Boulevard, right by Fairfax. If you move in, there's a 7-Eleven on the corner, two doors down. It's a Mexican place that had the best chicken taco. I like chicken with rice and beans, smothered with red sauce. Yeah. With cheese and they burned the cheese on top.

Oh, nice crusty. Ooh, it tastes like cheese. It's when it gets like that. You go in that 214 with a fucking Diet Coke. Stop it. You go home, you get five. In those days, I used to sleep five hours. I know.

And that's so, it's like nothing. When I first moved to Hollywood. And you'd be fine. You'd wake up. Because breakdowns, you get. breakdowns at six. So whoever would be sending me the breakdowns those days, my goal was to get up and get the breakdowns to the agent. By the time he got in the office, I wanted the agent to go, Jesus, fucking Christ, Joey Diaz is sending me another email or what. I would let him know

who to call, what time, like call this guy. This is the role I'm looking to get, you know. So no matter what time, I slept five hours. My sleep apnea got so bad for a while. How do you know if you have your sleep? Is there any telltale signs if you don't have anybody sleeping with you? Is it just when you die? You're not rested. You're never really rested. That's brutal.

You do not feel rested. By 2 o'clock, you feel like this because you don't go into that rim. Yeah, and even deeper. You don't go into that deep rim. Yep. So you feel kind of something. isn't right. This is how bad it got for me.

I would take, holy shit, I'm completely off-kilp. I would take four time on PM, six of them. And I would go to bed at 1, and at 1.45 I'd be awake.

And I'd stay awake the rest of the night. Oh, my God. Because I knew if I'd go to bed, I'd just wake up choking. How many years did you do that? Like how long was that how you slept or didn't sleep? It went from one level to an, like it went from the snoring to me waking up and my

girlfriend's in the living room type shit to roommates telling me dog, what the fuck? It does sound like an animal. The first guy that told me was my roommate and he came out one night and he goes, I had to put fucking earphones on last.

night. Oh, man. Put a towel around my head. He goes, what's going on with you? So you're not even disrupt. It's two sleep so you're disrupting. And I didn't know what it was. I didn't really know what it was.

Then I moved in with a girl. And she was like, hey, man. What the fuck? There's a creature coming out of you. It's coming through the walls. There's a sleep apnea demon coming out of your respiratory system. And then it went right into this. The snoring was going on for a few years.

And I just wrote it off to snoring. But then I went through the six or seven month process, just made that. Things were happening that were weird. Like during your, when you were awake? No, when I was sleeping, I would go to bed. And then next thing you know, I'm up. And I was to wake up like choking.

Right. You know, choking. And then I would try to couch. And then I figured out the only way I could sleep was on a certain slant. I had to sleep on a certain angle. like put pillows a certain way. And then I figured out that I could sleep in the tub. All these movie stars, they buy the homes and $11 million homes.

And after 10 minutes in the shower, they got to run out because there's no hot water. You ever notice that? You would go to somebody nice is a house and they got a beautiful house. And you're in their shower by yourself. After 10 minutes, the house gets cold. And you're like, why have a million dollar house? If you can get some hot water. Yeah, hot water is like a luxury.

I lived in a building in Hollywood that they had a connection to the hot water factory, which meant that the hot water never ran out. Right. So it got to the point where I was taking a pillow, putting a garbage bag over it. No. I would go in the bathroom, lock the fucking door, put the bathroom on nice and hot. And I would lay there and just let the hot water lay on me, and I would wake up. I'd get five or six hours sleep.

A sleep in the tub and a tub of water. No, with the shower hitting my stuff. Okay, I thought you were like, constant. It was like how Whitney Houston went to sleep. That's how she died. Yeah. People realize, people always goofed around. Oh, she died at Coke, yes.

But in an awkward manner, she died of Coke because she was so coked up. And I, listen, I mean, we're here, we're all family here. One of my biggest things, when you do coke, after a certain level, you start getting paranoid. Yeah, I've never done it ever. So one of the biggest things were, after a while, when you're alone, after you call Jessame and she ain't coming over, and you call every chick you know that's not coming over. And you start to, like, spiral in your mind?

You start to spiral, and you start looking out windows, and you start looking under beds, and you're going to a kitchen and see a shadow. And all of a sudden, at some point, the only safe place you feel with this addiction, It happened like the last five, 10 years in my addiction. My favorite place was the shower. Wow. It would have a certain position. I would lock the door, close it, and I would have the curtain a certain way.

You felt calm in there. I could go in there and I could jerk off and hang out with hot water and jerk off and hang out. I don't know how many times I wanted to shower. Hang out with hot water and jerking off sounds great. I would stay in the shower until the hot water ran out. Like, I would go to Vegas. If somebody, I don't care who, if fucking Abdullah Muhammad, if ISIS was doing a show and they wanted me to open for them in Vegas,

I would go just for the shower. Because I know that I'm not going to run out of a hot shower. I could always get cocaine. And I could jerk off in there from fucking eight. Like, I would leave coke out. There's no restrictions. Oh, yeah. I would go in the shower for an hour, come out, dry up,

leave the water run and do two more lines. Oh, my Lord. Take a sip of wine and go back in the fucking rain. Holy shit. Take a half a pill. Oh, yeah. You're indestructible. You must be bionic.

All the things you've been through. But that's hot. And then the sleep at me got to a level where I would get in the car with you. What's up? Dog, nothing. You'd be driving at the first light, I'd fall on top of you. And you'd go, Joey. You'd pass out?

You'd fall asleep? Yeah, because this was the position of choice. Oh. That's the only way you could fall asleep. Right there, that position right there. So when you fly, do people, like, shake you awake? We're getting there. Oh.

That one time. I was in Newark. And I got on a flight. Oh, my Lord. And I sat down. I was like number two on the plane. I scanned myself on there. I had like a neck brace or some shit.

Handicapped Army vet, whatever the fuck. I went up there. I got on the plane dog and I fucking sat down this United flight. And I actually tipped my head back and I fell asleep. And I don't know. I was asleep. I woke up to a sleep. circle of people around me. Oh, fuck. And the steward is waking me up going, sir,

sir, and all of a sudden like this guy came in and he goes, are you okay? We've never heard anything like before in our lives. All the planes we've flown. This sounds like a jet engine. People are putting their luggage in their thing. We've had a physician to come and check you out, but you're going to miss this flight. I'm like, what are you talking about? And they're like, you're gonna miss this flight we're sorry but we can't let you get out and playing like that i was sober as a judge you know i don't drink or nothing i didn't know the plane had even taken off no i didn't know what they were talking about supposedly i was snoring so fucking loud on that plane that people couldn't even more like it was the disruptive fucking the pilot couldn't even hear

himself too fucking they came with security oh my god security a medic they kicked you off yeah They didn't kick me off. They were as nice as they could be. I don't remember what airline it was. It wasn't nobody high-priced. Did they let you fly or they made you get off? They made me get off. They had a doctor check my blood pressure and all this stuff.

And they said, okay, you could get on the next flight. So I had to wait like five hours. Oh, fuck. They gave me a voucher or something. But that made me think. Like, that was like, wow, that's... Something's going on. Something's going on.

Yeah. Okay. And I continued to avoid it. Is the only way to deal with it, that machine? Are there other treatments? There's surgeries that are involved. There's a ton of. And now with technology, technology is so great with it now.

And more people have acknowledged it. Like, guys have to just go get a sleep study. Insurance covers it. Trust me, your insurance covers it. And I know all the scams for you to pressure your insurance company. Yeah. You have to explain to them that you're getting sleep apnea. But see, you know, today's world,

We live in, I just, it's fucking amazing. How bad the medical. I have great insurance. Oh, it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. I took a fucking echocardiogram two weeks ago. I just got the results yesterday. You know, and I had to make 18 calls.

Oh, my. The doctor calls you. You can't call them back. The fucking paperwork. It's horrible. The loopholes. The loopholes have to go just to get somewhere. And that's a deadly disease.

Yeah. Like, you could fucking, like, I was at the point where I was about to fucking die. So what you have to do. get the sleep study. They call you the next day. You got it. This is the extremity. All right, give me the machine.

Insurance will tell you, okay, it takes 30 days for approval. No, it doesn't. Because I drive. I have to drive my kids and I have to drive my wife to work every day. So if I fall asleep behind the wheel and you have to tell them that, and that's when they'll make an appointment for you to go get your sleep machine quickly. If not, they'll store you with that for another 30 fucking day. and then you have to pick the model

and wait another 30 days. It's such bullshit. No. So, fucking. So I go, Joe Chadwick, the ex-manager from the improv in Miami. Yeah.

And a bartender that I'd stolen so much money from the Miami Improv that they decided to leave the Miami Improv and open up the Little Rock, Arkansas, Funny Bone. Okay? It was a fucking, it was the size, it was bigger in the comedy store.

It was an old dance club. Yeah. So they bought it. And at that time, I had the longest shot. No. No, no, no. I did not have anything. They just liked me.

And they said, could you headline the room? And I'm like, Little Rock Arkansas, the Bible Belt. I just don't do too good down there. Yeah. But Ralphie had been down there. The week before, two weeks before that, or Ralphie opened the room. And Ralphie said it was a good room. But at the time, Ralphie wasn't even on Lance Comic Standing or anything.

But what I do remember is that they put us up in cheap hotels. Oh, I can't stand that. They put Ralphie up in a fucked up hotel and he broke the bed for the first night. So the guy that owned the bed, the hotel is a Korean guy. And he was yelling. He was pissed. Until this day, if Ralphie comes back from the grave, they'll tell you that's all a lie. Listen, he broke the bed.

Then they brought another bed up there, and he broke that one too. Oh, my God. They asked them to leave. That big son of a bitch. Then they had to put us in a better hotel. But that's what worked out. By the time I got there, we were at the better hotel. And, you know, I don't know what night it was, you know.

You know, like when the club calls you and says, we'll pick you up at 715 being in the hotel lobby. Yep. And I went to the hotel lobby and I looked outside. I didn't see anybody. So I sat on the fucking couch. And I was just minding my business. And next thing you know, Jessame, I'm getting woken up again.

It's a white dude. Like, just the most handsome 50-year-old dude you've ever seen in your life. Just stone-cold gorgeous. Yeah. And he's like, hey, hey, sir. He goes, I don't mean to wake you up. Do you have three minutes of your time? And I'm like, yeah.

You know, I'm like, I'm like, I what the fuck? I thought I was wanted by the cops. I didn't know what he was. And he went in this pocket and he gave me a card. And he goes, I'm Dr. Such and Such. You don't know me. He goes, you don't know me. I don't know what you are.

But I will tell you, I've been sitting there for the last five minutes listening to you. And he goes, now that I'm up front and I'm looking at you, you have about two weeks left. What? Just like that. Oh, fuck. It's also a really good thing. business

approach. No, no, no, this guy wasn't fucking around. I'm sure he was great. But he was in a little, no, no, no, no. I couldn't go to him. He was in Little Rock, Arkansas. I live in L.A.

How could he tell? He just sat down and said, I just listened to you for the last five minutes. You almost just died four times because you choke. Right, and then you pass a fuck out. So every time that you stop,

your heart works. Yep. So like you go, so you get what's called, they call the interruptions. So he goes, I didn't even count. Like, he's talking this lingo to me. And at first I was a little offended,

but by that time I was old enough that I could take criticism. Yeah. Like if I was 2012, I would have told him to get the fuck out of him and mind his business. But by that time, somebody had already told me, I sucked in calm me, and I could have been good if you do that. So I accepted people talking to me in that tone. He wasn't even talking down to me.

He was talking to me in a way that was very serious. And he goes, do you know what sleep happened is? And I go, no. And he goes, you have it. And he goes, at that time, he spit a number out at me. Like what kind of a number? Like how many people are dying? Right.

And they don't even know they're dying. Right. And they're just dying in their sleep. Because this leads to obesity. It leads to diabetes. So this is killing people like a snake, like an octopus. It's got eight ways to kill you. He goes, and right now you're dying from three of them.

And I was like... That's intense. To be dying from something that goes on in your sleep. So he goes, I want you to do me a favor. You don't know me. He goes, this is my card. And he put his hand down. He goes, my name is whatever.

He goes, it's out of my hands. But by your skin color. You ask Josh Wolf. Josh Wolf told me. He goes, oh, yeah. There was a time there every time I'd see. I go, that's the last time I want to see him. He goes, you could tell by it, but this is addiction.

Yeah. This was not sleeping. It's an accumulation of a lot of shit. I was, at this time, I was probably 360. Fuck. You know. 2065. Not sleeping, eating shit, doing drugs.

Doing drugs. On the road. The road. I mean, that's what I'm saying you're bionic. At that time, I didn't know how to do the road. I had gone on the- You don't learn the tricks yet. I didn't know.

I had gone on the road with Rogan, but I had not figured out why Rogan did what he did. Yep. Rogan did what he did for a reason. And I wasn't doing it like Rogan. I was doing it completely opposite than Rogan. And I was losing. Yeah.

I was losing. I was just a fucking. So that's what made me start tightening up. road game. I came back. I told my wife what happened. And, you know, once you tell your girlfriend. Oh, we're like, okay, shit's changing. She got on the phone. Yep. We changed shit. She took the day off and work and took me down there. And, you know, I still remember getting the machine, the guy coming in and waking me up. Like, I fell asleep in the yard. Anytime I would get in this position, this, two minutes, I'd be talking to you. Yeah, shit.

I wish I could sleep like that. It was. Maybe I need to put on some weight. It was really horrible. And I advise people like, you know, you don't know all these diseases. No, you don't, especially when they're, it's almost like a silent killer. I don't mean, I know your dad just passed and I'm very sorry about his death. Because I have a best friend that he said he lived with his dad.

It was 92. Yeah, my dad was 80. And he goes, the last four years were murder. Oh, it can be brutal. He said it was, he goes, He died, he goes, not that we didn't love him. Felt relief. He broke his nose.

He punched a nurse. He choked the wife out. They were married for 50 years. He woke up one night and started choking my friend's mom. Who the fuck are you in this bed? Yeah. Shit like that. My dad was throwing his shit at his roommate.

Yeah. I was like, what? They're like, yeah. They just, it changes everything. They don't start to recognize you. Yeah. Like, he didn't, he didn't. He knew Jimmy.

Like I asked Jimmy about six months ago when I was home. I go, you miss your dad, they were talking. And he goes, but at the end, there's nothing to miss. That's the most brutal part. He goes every fucking day. Yeah, you mourn them while they're alive because a piece of them dies. He goes every fucking day. It was a different story.

Yeah, it's so brutal. It's such a, it's an excruciating disease to deal with if you're the caregiver. Like if Jimmy was taking care of his dad, it's so hard. It's so expensive. to take care of your family if they're at home and they're sick. And they're going crazy every single day. Something else, something new happens where you're like, well, I don't know what this is. And it's so hard to not take it personally when your loved one, a parent or your mother or father

is not sure who you are and they're talking shit to you because they don't know who you are. How do you not take that personally? It's your fucking parent. It's a really, it's a brutal disease. But it's also funny. There's a lot of funny shit that happens that, you know, you can't plan for. like, I've been working on it, putting it into my set a little, but the day my boyfriend met my dad, my dad answered the door with just a t-shirt on and his dick hanging just below the t-shirt.

And my dad didn't think anything was wrong with it. He was like, hey, come on in. And I just kind of look at Derek and he's like, what do I do? I'm like, I don't know. Take your dick out too. I don't know if this is like a Sicilian standoff and he just wants to see if you're going to take care of me. I have no idea. So my dad was just there. I had to like scoop him into the back. and get them taking care of. It's this type of disease where you really have to have a humility about yourself in this situation in order to handle it. What do they say with marijuana with dementia? Well, you know.

Can we avoid it by smoking it? Can we? I mean, you know how I feel. I'm in the same family with you when it comes to any sort of drug like that. Any sort of like, you know, psychedelic or T. C, CBD. I saw a physical change in my father, Charlotte's Web. You know the Charlotte's Web Company? Stanley Brothers? They reached out to me because they saw stories I was posting about him and they sent me a care package, a really, really nice care package. And one of the things they sent me was this olive oil, extra strength CBD tincture. And sorry, it was just an oil, not a tincture. It was a droplets. You know, you put them under your tongue. It's like a sublingual thing. So my father was in the hospital. My sister and I were there and he's just, you know, when people,

get older, they're just rigid, and they just look uncomfortable, and his face was like, he had this expression of discomfort. And so I looked at my sister, I was like, what the fuck do we have to lose? This isn't going to, he's not going to go wild on CBD. Let's just see what it does. So I put like four or five drops under his tongue. Literally 15 minutes later, my sister and I were just standing, seeing if we could see any visible effects. We could see him decompress. We literally saw him relax his shoulders. His face went from a grimace to just relaxed. He took a breath and he started breathing normally and he just like it looked like he had rested for the first time in weeks. And that's when I was like, well, there's something to this. That's not, that's scientific proof enough for me.

And that's all we want from people in our lives. We just, people we love, we want them to have comfort. We don't want them going out choking motherfuckers and throwing shit. You know, it's brutal. It's like a prison scene in some crazy jail cell. I don't want to put my family through that. No, no one does. You know, no one does. We were lucky, though. He was sick for a year from diagnosis to death.

So we got off pretty easy. A lot of people sit with that disease for five, six, ten years. Yeah, like Jimmy, he sat with him. Yeah, the average is like eight years. The people are sick with the disease. Fuck that. He said he saw the degeneration. That's the sad thing.

watching it. It's inevitable. It's a fucking train. So Jimmy has two other brothers. Well, you know, they both had families. They lived away. He goes, they got to the point where every time they came in, he's like, I'm calling the police.

There's a burglar and that. So there's a burglar and out. He's your fucking sons. Well, they're not fucking burglars. You know, shit like that. Yeah. It's wild. It was wild.

Like, I can't even imagine. And, you know, I've done more assed. Growing up, I know somewhere along the line I have to pay for this. I don't think that's necessarily true. I mean, you live the life, you know, there's people out there doing much worse. You pay for, look at Ozzy Osbourne now. Yeah. Is Parkinson's?

That's brutal. You know, Mitchie sure had it. Those diseases are so brutal. Richard Pryor had. Yeah. Robin Williams thought he had it, but I think it was Lubbati dementia. We did that 80s cocaine. Yeah.

That 80s cocaine, and I'm just trying to be real with myself. I think any train you ride heavy. So I'm prepared. I'm prepared because I did that 80s cocaine. I know what that does to your central nervous system. And then we have to count in trauma. Right. To count in my father dying, my mom dying.

Oh, that type of trauma, yeah. You know, not getting that role on CBS pilot. You know, you don't think it's traumatized, you know, heartbreak of lives, you know, all this is all tied into that. So there's times you sit there, you know, and it's like they, remember when they, what's that eye disease you get? Glockoma? They make you smoke pot. Glockoma, yeah. You and I are preventing glaucoma. Yeah, we are.

Like, we're like way ahead with the game, like, you know, so I just want to know that because of the marijuana use. Like, yeah. It's not going to make it worse. Listen. If that's what you're worried about, I mean, I'm not a, I'm a doctor on Mondays on my Instagram, but I'm not a real doctor, but there's no science to say it makes anything worse with that. If anything, it's a, it helps. I've said it once. I've said a thousand times that there's a horror that lives in my head of me one day putting peanut butter in my ass and walking into a business, taking it out and thrown on the wall. because I did because I want a sandwich now for some reason.

A brain develops to, I forget what age, 25. Yeah, it's about 25. I did so much LSD from 15 to 17. And then we went from 17 to 2007. It was the straight central nervous. Yeah, just constantly shocking your system. I always tell people that at the end, I would, towards the end, like the last six months of my coke addiction, I was getting a jolt in my spine.

Like a neurological reaction. Something that was not good. Right. It was not good. Yeah. Like, it was not good. And when I felt it, I would finish the Coke I had and that would be it for the night. Yeah.

I wouldn't try to get any more or nothing. I felt it maybe four or five times. And that was that I got off the fucking blow. Yeah. So I know that I'm expecting some payback. Are you, is it a fear of yours? Are you afraid of some sort of impact, like some sort of carmic situation? Not carmic.

It's more of. Because you said you feel like you haven't come into you. Listen, you never, you get a fucking 1970 Cadillac. What the toughest cars ever made, whatever, Mustang. All those American built cars. Especially when they were built back then. They just take so much. It depends how you treat them along the way.

Absolutely. There's something to that for sure. You have to think about how you treat them along the way. You know, let me figure it out on paper here. Let's be honest. The mileage. Let's be honest on the family matter here. Yeah.

You figure from the age of 17, 30, 35, I didn't see a doctor. Well, I think during those ages, you're, hopefully. Hopefully you're not seeing a doctor. And I mean, just for a checkup. And I mean, I had fucking chlamydia. I mean, that's a Tuesday. But it just went away. Yeah.

Like, I didn't go to the doctor to get rid of it. Lee's got chlamydia right now. I still remember eating the chick's monkey and seeing the chlamydia drip from a month. Oh, God. Well, there goes my post-podcast smoothie. Climedia drip. They're at Coachella this year. Like, I know that I've had all those things.

And, you know, throughout the, you know, for, there was a couple years when you were a broke comic. And you have to decide whether you're going to pay rent or go to the dentist. Yeah. And, you know what? I took a bottle of Jack Daniels. I got a fucking half a gram of blow. And I ripped out all these teeth. All this shit is false back here.

All this is fake. All this back here. These are all wrenched out. And oh, look at. Wow. Yeah. These are all done with a wrench. And then with a wrench and a bottle of a joke.

No. Oh, please. No. Please. Joey. You have no fucking idea. A wrench? When you're living with, listen, when you're living with pain inside of you,

look at my face from picking my face, I would get imaginary bugs in my face. And I would squeeze my face until I remember sitting with Rogan and I had scabs all over the fucking place. It was like a different form of self-mutilation. From the addiction. Now I see it. Now I see it. I would get a fucking head than a little pimple. And I would squeeze it until the fucking root came out of it.

Oh, my gosh. Everything came out of it. It's skin. Man, there's a hair in there. There's nothing in there. It's a fucking cocaine making you creeping your fucking skin. I didn't know cocaine made you paranoid like that. That's why I've never touched it because I know if I did, I would explode.

I would explode. So out of all the surgeries I did, there was one molar that wouldn't go. Wait, are you calling what you did to yourself a surgery? Yeah, he's a doctor. He's a doctor. He's a doctor. Yeah. Dr. Diaz, hello.

I pulled this one out. So it was one, two, three, four molas I pulled out. Out of one of them that I pulled out was in the middle here for years. It was there from 90, four and a half to about 2,000. You got to hear this shit. That sounds like a new kid's in the block run. gotta hear this shit. It had broken in half,

but it had become an abscess. You know, people tell you, go to the dentist, you'll die from an abscess. Yeah, well, I'm living proof, all right? I had an abscess for six years. If you have an abscess, please go to the dentist.

Yeah, go immediately because they're so painful and dangerous. It would fill up with pus. Oh, shit, Joey. And I would go like this, and it would shoot out. Joe! So I would go to the comments.

No! I would go to the comments. No! And if I didn't like this, you. I would position myself right by you and I squeeze it and a thing would shoot out and hit you in a jacket

and you wouldn't even know. By the end how good are you were in? No. I would let it fill up on purpose every two weeks Jesus. I can't handle it. Between the booger jacket and this, I can't handle it. You don't like blood. I can't handle pus

and boogers and your wrenched molars. But he won't eat hummus. He won't eat hummus. This guy won't eat fucking hummus. But he's out here wrenching out his molars. And squeezing his abscess juice on people. You know me to ask Joe Rogan.

I used to go, right, we can watch. And I was going to like this and squeeze people in the fucking push. Rogen loves you. He has such a deep love for you. Because he knows how hot on my mind I was. I had this little stem that just stuck out of my mouth. What stem? It was just the stem of the tooth.

like this is just the fucking this is just the design the tooth is completely different this molar is completely once you take the shell off it's like a fucking bone so I had the bone and I swear to God

I would feel it it was like I was chewing tobacco once I felt this swell up I'm like all right it's time oh god and if somebody bothered me at the store I would go up behind them

and it's like some crackhead superhero and sometimes the white head would come going on this side. No. Oh, that's when I had a double. And I would go like this, and the white hair would go this way, and the fucking juice from the tooth would go that one.

Juice from the tooth. Who says that? And the best part about it is it made him so happy. You have no idea. Are you kidding? You have no idea. I like, grossed about it. This guy's like, I almost died from sleep apnea, cut you poisoning people with your abscess

juice. That's why yesterday my wife is like, I go, did you give the baby the medication? She says she has to eat something personally. Give her a fucking milk chicken, put it in that. She goes, well, no, it doesn't count. I go, what do you mean coating your stomach means? Milk in your fucking stomach. I grew up in a different reference.

That's why I don't believe most things. Yeah. Because I lived with a fucking abscess for six years. Oh, gosh. You know those shows on TLC? Like, my 600-pound life and sex sent me to the ER. I lived with my abscess tooth for years needs to be a series. of just people.

Have you seen Dr. Pimble Popper? Yeah. Disgusting. You don't like it? A little Chinese woman. Yeah. It's so oddly satisfying. Even though it grosses me out.

Oh. And like whole, it looks like hooves come out of people's neck. Yeah, that's what I like it. Listen, I love having a good pimple and pop on it yourself.

Like a nice white head. Like a nice and like a spot. Jesus. I remember one time when I was like. I was like, fucking vomit. Lately is already about to vomit. I remember one time I was about 18.

I'm not going to like this story. I had a lump in my head over here. A lump in your head? This is one big insurance commercial. I had this little lump in my head. What's the surgeries? So I went to my friend and went, what's this fucking lump? She was like a sister to me.

I went to a house and we all hung out together. I go, what's this lump? And she goes, I don't know. And she put drawing salve on it with a, with a pimp, with a with a band-aid and I went out that night everybody made fun of me what's up with the band-aid and the next day i'm waking up i must have been 18 and i took the band-aid off and the lump had gotten bigger and i'll never forget just going like this no just touching no and it was like a hole opened up and it was like a fly flew out a fucking no a stream of pus and it

drip down the mirror. I was in love with pimple popping after that. I couldn't wait to get a pimple. I never got another one like that. That was the one. Well, it sounds like I had one in your mouth for a few years. The one in my mouth. Was that one sad?

And then you ever get the one, the best of the ones you get under your tongue after you eat ass and pussy? Oh, I don't know if I've ever gotten one of those. If you eat so much ass and pussy. That sounds like herpes. I think that's a herpes. Really? You get them under your tongue?

Like a little white head. You pop it. I don't know that, yeah. I think you should start a clinic for people. The Joey T.S. What the fuck is that? Help clinic. But I think my immune system has overcome all these different diseases.

You're going to be fine. After a while, you have so many things, and all of a sudden, your immune system just gives up. I think you're going to outlive us all. I really do. Knock out of wood, I hope you're your words. I think you're going to outlive us all. I just don't want to look like a half a retard old man with three heads.

and somebody's got to push me. Take me to the comedy store. I will happily push you. After 65, don't take me to the comedy store. Nobody. I never want to be one of those dudes that shows up dressed up in a suit like I was somebody 20 years ago. The same suit from 20 years ago. I do not want to be one of those guys at all going there when I'm old, like in the Hall of Fame.

And you're like, fucking gets warmed over. Yeah. Get the fuck out of it. You're squeezing your abscesses to everybody in the audience. Oh, my God. Yeah, when you're 75 and you have a lot of issues, you'll have so much fun. You're going to have so much fun.

You have no way. Like, I got fucking, my arm got cut, didn't go to the hospital. The scar was gone. This one here, you could still see the V. Do you see that V? Yeah. That V. What is that from?

It looks like a satanic symbol. I had a glove on. And I was robbing a book. and the cop came Remember the karma thing And I had to jump the fence And I ran from the dog And there was a six foot fence

And I'm watching It was behind a path mark In West New York, New Jersey And I'm running I'm running out of my tail I don't even look back Because if you look back You lose time

And I jumped up Grab the fence And I grabbed the bob wire With his hand Guys At that's my bobby At 19, I was a fucking savage. I made it over the fence.

But when I went to get on the other side, my hand got caught in the fence. Now, I talk about bleeding and everything all the time. The cops are about 80 yards from me, and I never forget looking at them and my arm being caught in the bobwire and me trying to go, ah, like yell. And I don't know how I did it through the God's grace.

I pulled myself up. I loosened it. And as loosening it, I could feel the blood hitting my face. And I'm like, oh, my God. I loosened it. I dropped. The dog was barking at the fence.

And I just headed fucking back home. And I could feel the moisture in the glove. And I went home and I fucking changed my clothes. I wiped my face. I didn't pass out by the grace of God. It took me a couple minutes. I went to the bar. I told everybody I owed money that I was waiting because I was going to rob a book.

I told everybody to stay here. Yeah. I'll be in. hours of your envelope we've got an eight ball get the party started I had to go up there and break the news to everybody and I sat there at the bar all night with this glove with another glove on it bleeding just drinking and people are like what's with the glove I'm like don't worry about it mind your business I'm just drinking all night and the next one day I woke up and it was like a fucking mess it was like a mitt so I had to go to my friend bonehead's house oh good he

sounds like a good medical professional he was a heroin addict him was mother took the glove off and then this glove was tangled with this skin. Ew. So like Coco, we don't know what to do. So they cut around the glove and they took me to the hospital with the skin. So since it was after 12 hours, they couldn't stitch it. So they loosened the glove. They took it out of the skin and put the flap over and made me put, you know,

the gauze on it. And they said you were going to move. you were going to lose the movement in this finger and possibly this finger because you cut a tendon. I mean, it was bad guy. Is it good now? See, you're indestructible. I'll stick my finger up your ass. You're in thing.

That sounds like a great Easter Sunday. Oh, forget it. I'll sit on a finger. I'll stick my finger so deep up your ass. Turn me into a marionette puppet. I want to smell the kidney. You know what I'm saying? I'll be a muppet.

You got to smell the kidney. Bam, there you go. A butt muppet. Turn me into Elmo. Are you okay? Are you alive, Lee? No, no, this is... It's amazing.

The fact that you're still alive... Right? No wonder you're happy all the time. They're like, fuck it. No wonder he wakes up and, like, it's another day, cock suckers. You gotta. You're gonna be fine. I will say that like any sort of neurological thing is not...

Like, Alzheimer's is not a normal part of getting older, but I don't think you need to worry about it. I think you're going to be good. You don't forget things. You remember things from 1973. You have a great memory. Yes. You have a great memory.

I'm forgetting. Like if I don't log into Weight Watches right after I eat, I got to sit there for an hour at night and figure out what I ate. That sounds like selective forgetfulness. No, no, no, no, it's bad. It's been bad lately. But we're in on you dated with stimuli. So I forget about 2014.

The whole year? I can't tell you anything about 2016. All I can tell you. tell you it is from 19 from 2000 back which I could tell you very more vividly maybe it's better for your for your own good that you don't remember every single thing we're not meant to remember everything to be fair from 2014 to 2018 we weren't taking about 2,000 milligrams at least twice a week and you were taking it more often how many are in you right now Lee none really yeah no I'm good he's just half retarded no at this time he took enough beating those four years

Oh, yeah. Are you just constantly high? I don't remember those four years. No. People come on and be like, hey, I'll say, hi, nice to me. They've been like, I've been on the podcast like three times. Yeah, so maybe you just were in a... You said maybe that was going around the other day.

That guy puking on himself. No. He's talking about the meme. Yeah. Oh, yeah. It was you that night. I could see you doing that lead. I did endless...

That was the acid. Bucket of vomit. Acid mushrooms. Oof. But sugar in a fish. We gave everything. It's like all of that. You can't do the Diaz cornucopia of nicodins.

No, I jump right into it. You have to do the Diaz cornucopia because it's the only way it's going to work. That's not for you. If I did the Diaz cornucopia, I would shoot to another galaxy. I'd be in Andromeda right now. I'd be up there with Neil de Grasinth-Tyson floating on some fucking Milky Way in another universe. People think I'm high all the time. You're sober right now, Lee.

That's bullshit. Your eyes haven't been open. Yeah. No, I know. It's just in my fat, I guess. I have no idea. It's just there. Do you have sleep apnea?

Probably. Lee, you need to take care of yourself. I know. That cute face. You better take care of that. Try it. No, but it's, uh, I was still thinking about it when you were guys. I do need to go to get a sleep test.

I'm going to tell you something, guys. Get a sleep test. I'm going to tell you something right out, guys. It's fucking easy. The sleep test? The sleep apnea test. Are you staying in a facility? It's in a facility?

You go to a facility. It's only one night, right? Yeah, one night. Cozy bed? Tie you up. It's a cozy bed. They feed you? Do you want me to tell you one time?

Yeah. Right now I'm supposed to go every year. The problem with me is when I lost, when I went, remember when I went for sleep apnea, I was at 390. Yeah. Was that your highest weight? No, 418. But between the working out and the weight lost, I lost all that weight that was here.

Like when I felt this bone, I'm in an appointment for the doctor. I'm like, I got a thing. I got a two month. He goes, there's no tumor. That's a bone. I haven't felt this thing in 20 fucking years. Yeah, I haven't felt this thing in 20 years. I thought it was a tumor.

I was dying. So, because I lost that weight here and now I lift and I'm still burning that weight. Like I'm falling asleep on couches now. I'm falling asleep on a plane a little bit, you know, not waking up like. Right. Grasping for air. My, when you have, the sleep apnea world has come a long fucking way. About a year ago, I busted out my old sleep apnea machine.

Oh my God. What? I almost died. It didn't work? No, no. It was just to let you know where I was then and where I am now because there's different gauges. Number 20 being the highest and I still needed help at 20. and 20 is me shooting like,

you ever open up a fire hydrant? No. I've been near one, but I've never opened one myself. If you were open a fire hydrant. Like in Brooklyn. In the summer. There's Brooklyn. Some of them shoot it out like that. The 20 is that.

20 is basically we're keeping you alive. Like it's just like if you don't secure the mass before you do it, you can't do it. Part of that. Because it's like when. It's like when I shot Spider-Man 2, there's a scene of Toby Maguire on a train like this. They had a fan the size of this building in front of them

that they told you you couldn't get 200 feet from. It was like hurricane winds. That's what that 20 was like. And I still had that old machine in the closet. And one night I go, let me just see where I was then. And it was horrifying. Like I couldn't breathe. The air was coming in.

at such a pace. It was too strong for you. That's how fat and big I was. Now I'm at 6 to 12. So now they have technology has really come a long way. So they call flex machines. And a flex machine is a machine that rates you what you're feeling. So if you need a 6, you're at 6.

If for some reason that night you ate meat, you drank alcohol and you dehydrated. and you need 12, the machine to automatically adjust. So you get 12 pounds of whatever for pressure. I don't want to start talking about stuff I don't know about. Is it a pipe that, like when you put it over your, is it just a mask or is there? It's a mask that comes. For me, I like the mask mouth combination. Right.

Because I go in through my mouth and I push out through my nose and there's an escape valve. Right, like an airplane. And that's why I'm dying to fuck my wife with the sleep happening. mess because she'll get hit with the escape valve hair. Oh yeah, it'd be perfect. So while I'm fucking, she's getting that one eye fucking, the one eye is hitting her with the fucking, DP with the apnea machine. With the stream of bad breath and God knows what else.

But all jokes aside. So for some people, they just could go to the nose machine. But you do the full thing. Jim Norton refuses to use it. So he's going to live with sleep apnea rest of his life. He likes, he likes torture. Look at Jim Norton. Yeah, he likes torture.

He's gotten skinnier by the years. and he still has it and the mass bothers him. There's people that the mass bothers you. Now, what that happens is, like when I go to the doctor and they do the heart stuff, I always take my doctor and I say,

and I go, how's it looking? And he'll go, there's scarring from the sleep apnea. I go, what about the cocaine? He goes, nothing. Scarring from the apnea? So 27 years of cocaine didn't really do nothing, but the sleep apnea did more damage than the cocaine.

How does it scar you? I don't want to talk out of line. If anybody else knows and they want to share this on the church website, like anybody knows the specifics, there's a part of your heart that this taxes. Wow. Like it was getting to the point,

and I just admitted it to my wife, when I first got the machine, my body didn't know how to adjust to it. And I was waking. up with my left side from my neck all the way to my waist, sore. Like the heart was adjusting to it. The heart was all this oxygen. Like it took the first night I got the machine, I slept well.

But then things started looking better for me. 30 days, it went. My skin color started to come back. Like everything was adjusting. 60 days, 90 days. Did you have more energy during the day? Yes, I started having more energy during the days. You know, I wasn't as inflamed because not sleeping inflames you.

Yep. I already was starting to get the 418 was 18 pounds once you start seeing the lump on the back. That fat lump? That's the fat back? Yeah. They just put the noose over your head and you're just a couple days from hanging. That's some hard truth. Because if you're sleeping, when you're sleeping, when you're,

You choke, that means that your body goes into danger, so it releases the cortisol, and the cortisol stalls. Stores? Inclamarates. That's like a cortisol sack? Yes. So that's why when you see people with that stuff, they definitely have sleep apnea, and their days are numb. People, we got to take care of ourselves. Because your body, that means your body is released in cortisol.

That it can't process. It's in shock, I think. I'm not a doctor. I'm just telling you what I've learned over the years from reading. And from time to time I go back to the webpage to see what new technologies they found or whatever. You know, they have fucking small machines now to travel with. Yeah, it's streamlined. I love my machine.

I love it. Do you have a travel one? Yeah. Wow. I have a travel one and a guy from my man, I'm going to give him a shout out over there in fucking Cleveland. That hilarity is my man, Nick. Nick. And the manager got me a free machine.

They did. Yeah. They're so kind. My wire broke. We went on the radio and we said we needed the wire and some guy goes, I got an extra sleep batting machine. I don't like it. It's brand new and he gave it to me. So now I got one for the road and one for the.

That's great. I think it really, like I said, ever since I watched that Rogan podcast, I really. Do you remember the guy's name? Yeah, what was the guy's name? The guest. He's a doctor. Next time I see Rogan ask him. Yeah, I will.

It's a book about sleep. Why we sleep? Why we sleep? I think, yes. I have that book. I forget the doctor's name. I think I gave it to somebody. I gave it to somebody and he read it and was blown away.

Yeah. Because he was sleeping in chunks. And he says something wasn't going right in his life. You need at least three of those cycles to get sleep. He was sleeping like 9 to 12 and then he would wake up and go to bed from 3 to 6. Oh, fuck that. And he'd sleep from 8 to 10. Sounds like a chimpanzee schedule.

And that means, yeah, that's also begins to sleep. You're waking up, you don't know why. I don't have the choking yet, but I have that. You're choking, yeah, that means you're choking. You're two days away from choking. Yeah, that means you're choking. Your body is waking up for a reason. And now it's starting to get scared.

Because after a while, I hurt my hamstring. And it was so weird that even after it didn't hurt, I was walking a certain way. I'm still walking a certain way, because my mind is protecting that leg. Ooh, it's favoring it. Psychologically. So you think that maybe he's hurt.

That's not hurting anymore. I'm throwing kicks. I'm squatting. Is your brain anticipating? My brain's anticipating. When you have to sleep at me after a while, what's fucked up about it is that why are you going to go to sleep? It's like,

why are you going to come to my house if I'm going to smack you? Would you come to my house if I smack you at the door? Yeah, you're like afraid of sleeping. Yes. Because you know you're going to, you might die. Why would you come to my house every time I open the door? I smack you in the face. I would just because I feel like you'd do it out of love.

Why would you keep coming over? That's what it gets to the point. I'm like, you're like, why am I going to go to sleep? Right. It's almost like a... You'll fall asleep on a chair, and it's an hour and a half, and also your body starts accepting that. It's fucking...

That's brutal. It's a fucking nightmare. It's so crazy how we adapt, and almost the adapting is a thing that can be detrimental. And I'm very lucky because I would take those... six or seven or eight down RPMs. And I wouldn't sleep

and I would start smoking a cigarette. Oh, fuck. Two, three packs a day at night and then I would nod with the cigarettes. You could have blown yourself up. I was like a junkie. That carpet looked like. Like Ray Leota's face?

Yeah. It was all pockmarked from cigarette. I had to buy a new carpet for that fucking apartment. How many people do you think have lived a life like you? What percentage? A lot. A lot. The people who didn't, listen, man, I grew up without a mind.

So I didn't give a fuck. It's not like I had a reason to live. You know, when you're just out there in the world alone, you in the back of your mind are like, I'm alone. I'm going to take chances other people wouldn't be able to take. Do you find you have fans who come up to you after shows or message you who have lived a similar life and you've sort of helped them through stuff?

everybody's lived like not everybody but you watch like I call it uncut gems you watch one of Samler's greatest I think

one of my life for years that was borrowing from Peter to pay Paul that's a heavy stress life was that close to reality yeah

that's that's a fucking way to live always on the scam remember I sold the membership to the mob for $2,000 is there

Are they taking new enrollees? And I made the guy for an application. That needs to be the beginning of your movie. And for years, I would see him and he'd go, they never called me. And I go, they got to call you any day. They're going to call you. You know.

A membership to the mob? I was not a fucking show. It was just something that it was, if you're going to, at that point in my life, it was if you're going to be this stupid. I'm going to rob you. And that was just, that was like your model. That was my.

Was that how you survived? That was how I survived. If you're going to be this stupid, I got to rob you. If you're going to, if I'm going to come over to your life, if Jessumet brings me to Lee to buy an ounce of Coke from Lee, you're going to rob him. And I know Lee's, you know, his schedule, he leaves the Coke out, or this is where he stashes it.

this is going down. If you're that stupid, I'm going to fucking rob you. And do you think that all goes back to like being, growing up without a mom, like not having that maternal love? It all goes back to

when you are raised Catholic and you really, really, really believe in God, which I still do. We wouldn't, I wouldn't be here if, you know, if there wasn't a higher power. and the only thing in the world you have is your mother, and then the lights go out when you're 16.

You, there was no therapy in those days. Right. It was shameful to take care of yourself. So, no, no, it wasn't how to take care of myself. I chose. I could have lived in Florida with family or in California with my uncle. I just chose, for the first time my life I had been accepted into this neighborhood. I worked hard to get accepted into this fucking neighborhood.

Now I got to pick up and leave. Fuck it. So I stayed in that town. And what happened to me mentally was I felt that my belief in God, what God takes away a mother. Right. What God takes away a mother. And what's funny was, Jess, I met this girl in the eighth grade that was fucking hot.

I like Irish chicks. She had like strawberry blonde hair Fair skin freckles Yeah she was just good looking I always felt bad about this I dated her for a few months Very eighth grade Jessumay

Innocent She went to hold You know she went to We play for St. Michael C.YO She went to Holy Rosary Academy Right there that was a sign I wasn't going to try anything for 90 days Okay

90 days The sacrament 90 days Nothing and so something happens and I suck your tit because it always happened with sucking your tit first.

Yeah, it's like the admission. That's the admission to the pussy park. For Catholic. The girls I like the Irish girls and the Italian girls. Right. It was, you know. A little faster.

It was... It was... You know, six or seven dates and you got a little tit. Wow. And then you tried for the pussy for another month and a half and then one night they let you touch it.

Just a pet it. And then they cry a little bit. It's a petting zoo. I can't believe whether you touch my pussy. I feel so dirty. I'm so gross. What's God going to think? God don't give a fun.

I'm a dirty whore. God wants you to be a horse. Knock it off. All right. He said it in the Bible. Those are great sound bites. You're the new Mary Magdal is there. You're the new Mary. Don't worry about nothing.

And then you finger them and that's another three-month process. Three months to get to fingering. Oh, you finger them and then, you know, to leave it in there with nobody looking. and then you have to make them come with the finger. Once you make them come with the finger, now they're in. Now you're there, God. Now you're there. They're like, hi, can we get more of that?

Yeah, now they like that. Now you can work them and stuff. And then it takes another three months to take them back to your house. And yeah, it's just a process. It was just a fucking... Oh, these girls have restraint. Took me like a cheese dog and a high five and I was in. No, but it was also me too.

My mom had raised me a certain way. You were a good boy. It was also me too. I was one of his... Fuck, I'm not going to sit here and tell her. I was a good boy. Well, being horny doesn't make you bad. I just told the Me Too story on the Rogan podcast about me being 15 in love with Faye,

a milk from the neighbor. She me-toed you? No, I was going to meet to her. I fucking did Angel Dust and got some flowers that my mother had in the house and then waited in the bushes for her to come out. And I was going to tackle her with the flowers and fucking suck a pussy. I had never sucked a pussy before. I had sucked tinnies before, but I had sucked tithes before.

I was gonna fucking just rape her or do something else I didn't know you were gonna just you're just gonna dive bomb and suck a pussy out of the blue you know like

in those days just an ambush her puss because she was hot she was like 37 and I knew both her daughters but her husband was like 60 and he knew you know he paid the bill

60 yeah that's a girl after my own heart right gotta get the old fuckers she was bang I bet she was Faye was beautiful that's a name of a pretty woman. Fay, one syllable.

That's a woman who knows how to put on an eyeliner. Yeah, perky tits. She used to wear a hot pants and she used to wear what's called a halter top. Oh yeah. Which makes it from the 70s and make it look like full milk jugs. And we would play basketball. She had two dogs that were blind, two French poodles. Oh, and she had a heart. So she would walk him across the street and then put

them down. Oh, she's like clucking broken things. And as soon as we'd see her, we'd let the ball go down the hill. so we'd have to go down and get it so we could just look at Faye Yeah Did you ever get a sniff? Did you ever smell her? No, all of us would go,

fuck one of these days I want to fuck Faye like Faye was like the fucking prize of the neighborhood and she had two of her hot daughters You know what I'm saying? Like when your mother is hotter than the daughters

Yeah, there's something in the water I still see one of the daughters on Facebook, she's gorgeous Yeah She's gorgeous so I start talking to And you couldn't talk to Faye because the husband was always on the balcony in the daytime. Wait, didn't this fucker work?

Oh, no, he was retired. He was old. He was old. He was covering the bills. Yeah. She was sucking his dick. You know, one of those type of relationships. Right.

So we played basketball at night, and we'd notice that when she comes out at night, he was already sleeping at 10. So I was like, ah. Oh, she'd make a little night walk, kitty cat go out in the alley while the blind was asleep. No, she'd take the dogs out. Ah. She'd always take the dogs out at 10. Yeah. piss. So we'd be out there playing basketball.

She'd come out with her flip-flops. We're a little tight Daisy dukes. This is way before Daisy was even bored. She already was wearing Daisy dukes. Cut up to the cheeks. Yeah. Got a lip hanging out. Bad ass. Just a labia waving at you.

And we would just be sitting there like in awe. Like she was like God. We were just so funny. I'm like, I started talking to her and I was flirt with her. Thank you. Look beautiful today. Thank you, sweetheart. All right, you know. How old were you?

14. Oh, my God, the balls. And our husband would look at me dirty because he knew I was in love with Faye. And finally one night was with my buddies. We got down. We were drinking and shit. We got some angel dust and crystal T.C. Oh, fuck.

And we listened to Led Zeppelin, too. It was four of us, and we each did me call those Michael Special, maybe Dominox Special. We all did a different instrument. And we listened to Led Zeppelin's. from cover to cover and then they were going to like a popular party and they're like are you coming to the party I'm like I can't I got homework and they're like homework you just an angel dust I'm like don't worry about I had plans I was gonna take fade down from behind the bush from behind the bush you're gonna get her bush she was right on Liberty Avenue she was gonna cross the street go across the street into the park there's no lights in the park and I was just gonna run up on a tackle a give her the flowers oh shit and tell how much I loved and then hopefully we were going to make out like in the movies. It'll be like John Travolta, Olivia Newton, John in Greece, right? They could have worked out.

I really believe this. This is why I do not like the whole thing of you coming back at me with something I did when I was 20. No, it doesn't hold up. It's in a different era. Did you read the Ray Don Chong thing? No. When you read the Ray Don Chong thing, if anybody gets a chance, do me a favor. and read this. I'm trying to get her publicist to send the flowers and a gift certificate and a letter

of thank you for being an honest woman. Ray Don Chung, look up Ray Don Chung. About Weinstein? No, about fucking Mick Jagger. Whoa. That when she was 15, she fucked Mick Jagger and it was not a Me Too moment. She goes, we knew exactly what we were getting ourselves into. So she goes, it's not that I'm trying or attack Mc Jagger, nothing like that. There's a spectrum to the situation. That's why Mick put her in the video in 1984. The one song he did

from his solo album or the movie. They did a movie together or something like that. But she fucking came out the other day and said, listen, a podcast. On the Hollywood Reporter podcast, she came out and fucking said, here's the deal. Is that? That woman?

Ray Don Chonel was hot. When she, when that woman right there. So she said she knew what she was doing. Oh, yeah. Why did this article come out? Did somebody accuse him? She did a fucking interview. No.

No. She didn't, this is what a woman is about. Yeah. I fucking read this thing. Okay? Right down, she had Rolling Stone frontman, 19, when she was 15 and he was 33, admission came to interview, accidentally blurted that she had sex with Rock when she was 15.

Chon later clarified the interview, making sure the relationship was consensual, and that Jagger did not know her age at the time. He never asked me how old I was, and I never told him. It never came up. I remember thinking he was cute, he tuzzled my hair, and I thought, man, he's fucking beautiful. He did nothing wrong. He didn't make me do anything I didn't want to do. Chong noted, fully aware that her revelation may cause controversy. It was the 70s. It was a different era. I wasn't a victim. I don't want to get into, trouble about this. It wasn't traumatizing. I knew what I was doing.

I was an innocent school girl. And I always acted a lot older than I was. I was growing up at 15. Describing herself as a Lolita. Chang recalled the sexual triers of the positive experience. He had great lips. According to Chong,

the two other relationship on two different occasions, first after she attended a Rolling Stone recording sessions. And later after watching Fleetwood Mac with fucking Jag. I don't It did not traumatize me It wasn't a Me Too moment It was something that empowered me

Chong explained that I knew the power To pick and choose whatever I wanted And I had every experience Mick was part of that This I fucking almost fell off Look I want to cry Because finally a woman says This is what went down I thought about sin

How he got tortured a couple weeks ago Who? As a rock or a guy that came on the podcast that was referred to me and people were mad that I put them on the podcast. I did not know about the allegations of having sex with a 15-year-old or a 16-year-old or whatever.

I don't, you know. But I do know one thing that one night I was watching, fuck-o on Letterman. Like, when I read the synony-in-to-vis. Paris-Hillen was on Letterman one night. When she was getting in trouble and shit. Was she getting in trouble for?

Years ago. Okay. 15 years ago, she was always in the news for something. Right. She was a party girl. Flashing a coocher something. David led him and asked her. He goes,

I remember this. When did this start with you? And she goes, well, I was 14. He goes, 14. She goes, yeah, my parents thought I was in bed. Might sneak out and go to fucking, you know, parties. She's a socialite.

Now, let me ask you a question, Jess and tell me the truth. I'll tell you the truth. I won't lie in the church. When you were 16, if you snuck out of your house, was it to be with a 16-year-old kid? Fuck, no. It never was. This is why when I read that, when I read that, when I read all this shit, I was like, you know, I know, I still remember years ago in 93, my buddy gave me a job working a door.

And it was well known that there was like these 20 girls that were like, you know, the drinking age was 21. Yeah, they're all young, wanting to be older. They knew what they were doing. Right. Let them in. You know, and this is, when I read that Ray Don Chon thing, I was so happy that finally a woman. said, what are you fucking kidding? It's not all me two moments.

It was empowering. Yeah. That's a fucking weird thing for a woman to say. But look what she said. She goes, I had control. I knew what I wanted. I knew what I didn't want. And reading that kind of made me happy.

I don't know how we got on that subject. But when you, when you lose your mother and everything, you want to, you want to, you want to take, you want to take the shit on the world. Yeah, of course. So from 1980 to 1987, my life was to revenge. Right. Were you filled with anger?

If I saw a pigeon in the middle of the street, I was driving, I run the motherfucker over. Why would you do something like that? You're missing love. I did things that I never kicked a dog or an animal, nothing like that. Just a pigeon. But I did things that, yeah, pigeon. Rats of the skies. That's what they call them.

Sky rats in New York City. You just feel this fucking hate, the society. Yeah. I wanted the world to feel what I felt. Of course. You know? So I would try to go out of my way to make your world shitty.

Yeah. What's your mom's name? Denaura. But what I did was when I was in that waiting cell after I got sentenced for the kidnapping. The first time you were in? The only time. I was really in.

When I got sentenced, that's why I'm in my peace with myself. Before you were talking about the cosmic revelation, the karma revelation. I made peace with myself that night, that night about everything. I didn't go to jail for the kidnapping. I was involved with two pieces of shit. I'm friends with one of them today. Excuse me, I love them dearly. We just spoke to the day.

Didn't you come to a show like last year? Yeah, yeah. You reunited with them? Yeah. But we were three pieces of shit. If this was any other city, they would have said, go fuck yourselves. All three, you're losers. But Colorado felt they had a press charge.

And I don't blame them. I'm happy they did. I wouldn't be here today. Yeah. I'm not whining. But that was the, you know, I mean, who would do something like that? Somebody who was angry, who didn't. And at that time, I had no reason to be angry.

I had a piece of ass, had a job, had an apartment. I was living. It was the early years. Yeah. Those formative years stick with you. The anger I had was to like my, I was 26, 27. You know, I was pissed of kids that had parents that were taking, you know, that was the first weapon I would use.

Oh, fuck you really. You got fucking parents. Yeah, you went through that loss. You know, so it was kind of, I learned how to refall in love with all that. It wasn't, I was a bad person. Yeah, I don't, I want to think that at all. I just wanted to fucking take a shit on the fucking. world. And I think a lot of people can relate with that. A lot of people are looked at as bad people,

but everyone has a source of their trauma. There's a certain group of people who don't, but there's some people who just missed love and experienced loss like you did as a child without having that mother that figure. Unless you really walked it, it's very hard to judge something by something they did. For me, it could be three years, it could be 20 years. I know. know the path the guy's walking on. I've seen people, I'm going to tell you one name. I'm going to tell you one name

that when I met him, he was a fucking punk. And today he's, sorry, and today he's one of my best friends. But the respect I have from as a man is unparallel. I respect him more than 90% of the people out of his name

is Sam Tripple. I love Sam. Okay, that's a guy right there. He's a salad dude. I could tell you 20 things Sam did 20 years ago, that store that I wanted to choke him. That I wanted to choke him. He's another one who's been through some shit. He's been through some shit that nobody knows about.

But at the same time, I will tell you that I've seen Sam grow up to become a fucking man, a superior comedian, a loving friend. You know, like I'm tight with Sam. I call them once a week. I check it with him. You know, it's, you see people. And you forgive all that shit goes away.

It doesn't even matter. That shit didn't even matter. That shit didn't even matter to me. I don't even give a fuck. Because I've seen him gross instead. You're allowed to make a fucking mistake in my world. You know, this shit that comes out now, 12 years ago, he choked me at a party. Do he stick his finger in your asshole?

No. Then go fuck yourself. You know what I'm saying? If he stuck his finger on your pussy and made you- Then we got something to talk about it. Yeah. If he made you sniff his asshole, then we're talking. That's rude.

That's fucking rude. at least you got a sense of you and we could talk about this I don't judge anyone I love hearing people's story and nothing shakes me off my axis I've been humbled by life and I know people come from something

I'm intrigued by people's stories and you know the fact that you've come out on this other side and you honestly look I don't know what you think Lee if you're still with us but I think I haven't seen him look better you can see them pictures

Yeah. Especially from years ago and now. You should put one of the apnea machines on your asshole, see if it doubles down your assholes. No, this is, it's not, it's how I'm looking at things. It's how I'm reacting to things. Yeah. You get older and you get smarter, a little wiser.

You said something about pacing. And you start to pace yourself. You tried, I pulled Christoia over last night. and because Christa Lee is two weeks from having a baby, you know. And really? Yeah, I think. I think it's. Is that public news?

I think. Congratulations. Tolia. It's crazy. Wow. I explained to him that, I go, because he was telling me about six months ago, we had a conversation in the kitchen at the store. And he goes, I go, what the fuck you've been?

You know, and he said, oh, a fucking road. You know, it's just, and he said a couple other things to me. And I go, I get it. You know, I've been there. I get it. And then when I found out the news, I saw him about a week ago, and I asked him when it was due, and he told me, it's due on my birthday, February 19th or the 20th or something.

That's an expensive birthday present. That's the most expensive birthday present. No, my birthday. Okay, I thought it was on his. I was like, who. So I was last time I pulled him aside and I go, you know, you're going to see when you have a child. Oh, I don't know what happened. I don't know if it was age, mercy, family, how I looked at things.

Combination. I can't pick one thing. But I start to see where you look at your time being valuable. Oh, yes. I'm not talking to you from an egotistical point of view. I'm just talking about what's most important to you being at the house with your daughter or flying to the Super Bowl with your fucking jerk off friends. Where's your energy being expelled? Where's your energy being expelled?

Yep. And that's where I think I'm doing really well at that I like having a good time. I understand you're getting married in Syracuse, but I fly for a little. living, bitch. You know, I know you from L.A. Get married at the VFW. Right. I'm not getting on a goddamn flight.

I'll have to party in El Camadre. Good luck. I'll send a package. You know, like, you have to learn your limitations. Yes. Especially now. I have to go to New York next month and shoot a film, you know. So I know I got to get plenty of reps and like my set on the, I'm doing two sets on

the 20th. I know those are my last because I got to focus on this film until the 18. or whatever the fuck it is. You know, you just learn different things. I used to, I look, there's no, listen, there's nothing better than being a comic and going home at night and knowing you have nowhere to go in the morning.

Yeah. What the fuck is your problem? Yeah. Especially after you did this set. The fuck is your problem. The fuck is your problem. It's 11 o'clock. I just popped 200 milligrams just to get started.

Yeah, just to ease into the night. Just to ease in. I'm just getting started. I'm popping another one in about an hour. I'm not seeing fucking the bed till 3.3.34. Yeah. I'll be talking to dead relatives at 4 a.m. But after I read that book, I realized that as fucking corny as it sounds.

It does sound corny, but it's so vital. Like Joey, really? This is what you're telling me. Yes. You have to look at yourself and go, this is the time I'm going to bed every night. Yep. And consistency is key with sleep. 1230.

Yep. Me too. Around there. For a while there, I would go home, unwind, and watch Sons of Anarchy from 11 to 1145. And 1145, I would turn it off and go to bed. Yep. Now Sons of Anarchy ain't on and it fucked up my night. But what I was also doing it was...

You got to watch the outsider on HBO. I was also taping it and then starting to ride at 10 and then riding until 12 and then watching Sons of Anarchy to 1. Oh, that would make my mind too. engaged. So I had to pick one or the other. So once I read that book, I picked the time. No more. There's only one night I have Grattis, and that's Friday

and on the road. That's my night. I think it's good have a good night. That's my night. That's your shit. I don't have to get up on Saturday. All I got to do is make breakfast at the hotel. Yeah. Do you understand me? So breakfast starts at 6 and it runs to 10. Which is, if you're lucky,

these places shut it down in 9. Yeah, I don't have to leave. Fuck. If I have to leave the whole time, it means I got to take a shower, blah, blah, blah. Yeah, like not leave it. If I'm in the hotel,

I'll have to do is put some monkey grease in my air, brush my teeth, take my blood pressure medication. Go downstairs. I have to wash my pussy. I go down upstairs. Go down with a dirty monkey. I go down with a dirty monkey.

I roll a joint. I roll a joint. Yes, you do because you're a fucking gentleman. On Saturday morning, I already have a coffee in the room prepared. So when I get up, I hit it. I usually do that too.

I set up my coffee. I put all my things out. I see who called. I check him with the wife and the kid. The coffee's made. I'm so half-retarded. Yeah. You're still a little box.

You're still waking up. Right? You drink the coffee. Now you brush your teeth. You take your medication. You roll a joint. I bring my jacket down. I bring my glasses down in case there's a newspaper.

And I kill two birds of one stone. So I go down, you fucking eat your breakfast. You talk to the waist. to the waitress a little while you talk about how good the potatoes yeah

and then you get up you get another cup of coffee yes you do you go outside for a little stroll and you smoke that fucking monster

of death and then you go back into your room and you throw on fucking narcos yeah some bullshit on lifetime from like 10 to 11

11 o'clock in the morning you look at the clock and you're like fuck it I ain't waking up until lunch time and you take that little three hours

sester. That's sweet. Then you get up, you wash your pussy and you With oils, fancy oils. Oh, no, it's a quick wash in the pussy. Is it just a river wash? No, it's a quick pussy wash. Just a quick shower. Yeah. I don't shave on that one.

No. I won't shave on that. Yeah. It's just to take a shot. This is a quick one. To go to that local restaurant. Hell yeah. The one you're like, oh, this is the one. The lady told me about when I checked in. Cheeseburger or something. They're known for like something that's known in the community. Yes. I don't want to go to. Yeah, no chains. I do the same thing. No chains. I learned that from

Chris Ranjoli. You got to find the good local spot. You got to find the good local spot. You go to that local spot. You're back in your room by three. The show don't start till seven. Good. You got two options. You got option number one, which is a nap for an hour. And then you got option number two, which is go to the gym. Maybe do the elliptical for 20, throw some weights around for 20. I do that. And then go back upstairs, roll another one. Oh, if you go to the gym, If you take option number two, you earned option number two. Yes, you did. Which is another joint to roll.

So after you work out, you drink the water, you go to the lobby, you get a little protein shake, and you go around the corner, you hit that fucking number. If you work at that three and you get back by 10 to 4. Right. Get a nice hour. Oh, you get an hour nap in. And then you feel like a new fucking person. Oh, my God. You go to those shows like, who's ready, motherfucker?

Oh, my God. Then you wake up and you get another coffee. Yes. And now you're rocking. Oh, yeah. Now you're rocking. If you're lucky, you bang one out. Yeah, quick little jerk. You get a little dizzy and shit. A little jerky boy. A little day dizzy. Oh, yeah.

How many shits are you taking during the same? Three coffees? Four? You take a lot of shits? I take the shit when I come back from breakfast. Okay. Because I always eat a couple oatmeal when I'm on the road on the buffet. Yeah, you got to get one milk, keep your heart healthy.

So I keep, I get two eggs sunny side up, one piece of wheat toast, two pieces of bacon, light on the butter. And I hit a cup. cup of open here to push it all out. With those two coffees, by the time I get upstairs, my asshole's ready to spit. He's a fucking government witness. He ain't stopping. It's three lumps to come out.

But it's really funny because my asshole always holds back. Is it shy? Yes. You got a shy shithole? It only releases the stuff that it needs to release. It holds on to the stinky stuff. Does it have like a reserve shit tank? I don't know what it is.

It's like you. So my asshole, so my asshole, I take a shit. Friday but it's a small one. Like a little deer pellet. Like a little tibet. Right. Little woodland creature shit. And then as soon as I land,

an LAX. Your body knows it's safe. My body knows that we're on the way home. So now I grab an Uber and I give them a 20 right off the bat. I don't even wait for the app to come up. And I go get home because you're going to start smelling some weird. We're going to hop boxes. Fucking Prius.

That means the 405. No, I don't take the Prius. I take a special. By the time I get the fucking Laurel King and he's making the left, I could feel like that first brown cloud come out. Yeah, your turtle-headed at that point. And I don't say a word.

He's in the front seat talking Arabic to one of his friends. You roll down the window at least? You ever get those guys? Yeah, they're calling back home. Yeah, so I just drop a couple of farts. They don't know. Oh, they know. It takes them back to the cave.

So then they fucking, they fucking, they fucking, I make him go. Not the cave. I make him go past Lee's house on Laurel Canyon, and I make him make it right on Popeye's chicken there. And by the time I hit Popeye's chicken, I could feel the tip of the shit. Yeah, turtle. Just hitting my asshole. Yep. We get out, he pops.

I tell him, thank you. I pretty much open up the door, roll my life. luggage to the living room, take my computer into the office, and I go right to the back office. I got the bong ready. All I got to do is fill up, so I'll sit there, I'll open up my ass and I'll let the first grenade come out. Right, nice and easy. That was like a 16 incher. Yep. It comes out smooth. The other one's sideways. It's like the way Lee was born. Yeah. It's a little crooked. It's a little crooked. By that time, that gives me a little time to wipe my ass, fill up the bong, get the weed in the drawer. In the bathroom, you do it. I

a post shit, Bong Rip? Listen to me. I open up the door, so nobody, because I have my own bathroom in the back of the house behind my back office. And right there, I take those last two bonhits and that last one, when you cough,

the piece of shit flies out of your ass. The one that was hidden. Like an illegal immigrant. You know what I'm saying? That motherfucker runs out. Like, if you smuggle an immigrant on the train and let him out in California and just open them and tell them,

Corle, watch that Mexican run. It's like me familiar It'll just start running After that second bonging it When I cough And that piece of shit Just flies out And that water splashes

I'm home And sometimes Now you breathe You're like If it's over 20, 26 inches I send a picture The Tom Segura Just out of respect

He saves him I get them at 7 in the morning Sometimes No From him or Tom Sigora You send him to Lee Why do you wipe your ass in between you got to keep it fresh

you gotta keep it fresh it's rude to your shit to make it come out like that now if your cheeks get back together by mistake now you have shit crossing yeah you don't want anything in the way it's like Palestine and Israel

you know what I don't want it you don't want a religious genocide on your ass no how the fuck did we get to this subject what's wrong with us why can't we be normal people we were talking about your mother passing who gives a fuck

that was 40 years ago that bitch is fucking dead and buried We were talking about overcoming adversity. The ants even ate the fucking dress by now. We were talking about learning how to be on the road and being healthy. What's that? We were talking about being on the road and being healthy, yeah. Where are you this weekend?

I'm at Laugh, Boston, February 6th through the 8th or 9th, and then I'm at Asheville, North Carolina at the Funkatorium for Valentine's Day. Really? Yeah. Just one night? One night, two shows. Yep, we're doing a special event for all you lovers out there. You got a Valentine this year?

I do. How long have you been with this guy? A few years. Three years? Yeah. He was long distance. Long distance for over two years. That's a good way to do it though.

You get to sort of just pace it. Yeah, yeah, it was good for you. Take your time. I mean, you don't, you know, get fingered as often as you want to, but at least you look forward to it. It's nice to have something look forward to and to miss. Now you're living together? Kind of. We're still taking our time.

Good for you. Yeah. We're just taking our time, you know? Why rush into it? Let's enjoy each other. I don't want to hate each other. right away. I don't want us to be annoyed by each other too soon. So I'm like, I'm a lot. Why don't we just, you know, take this intervilly. You're busy? Yes. Yeah. I'm on the road every weekend in February.

Really? Yeah. But that's good though. I mean, I'm kind of complaining, but not. You know, you know how it is. You got the podcast. Yeah, Sharp Tongue podcast. You've got great videos on fucking Twitter. You make me laugh. You say I retweet you should. I know. I appreciate it. If this shit's funny, it's funny. I appreciate it. I love the sex stuff because you would always show your foot. Yeah. Oh yeah. Your feet are always very beautiful. I have nice feet. They're all cut up right now but they're nice. You always

take care of your toes. In my butt I always take care of my toes and I always post pictures of my ass. But it's a thirst trap. You miss them. I don't want to see your ass. But it's not my butt hole. It's just my butt cheeks. It's ass for alts. There's one where you're dancing in the shower with a dog dog mask on. Yeah, I put the masks on. That was funny. And it's a thirst trap. I put information

about Alzheimer's underneath it and it's a hashtag Ask for Alts. So you can just click on it. And then you can see all those posts and then find information in places to follow to get some help. You're a good lady. Thank you.

I'm happy to take the time to come up and see Uncle Joey. Anytime. It was great seeing you at the store. Yeah. I posted the picture up. People kept asking who's that hot blonde in the corner. Tucked in the corner. I was talking to the weed, dude.

I was talking to my guys, you know, getting the stash. That night, I came home. I had almost exploded. It really did. That was what a little. Like last night was a fucking, I did good in the main room, but I ate a bag of dixon the original room. You're like one of a handful of comics who were honest about their sets. People were there.

They judged it. They saw it, you know. Yeah. So. Just a nice quality. Last night, I came home feeling okay. Last Tuesday, I came home feeling like I just left Studio 50. Yeah.

I had a box of edibles. Oh. You know, I was fucking stone. I had to eat like 15 wings. Listen, when you eat a comedy store wing, you know you're hungry. Oh, yeah, you are. But they got the best steak fries in the flunker roll. I've never really eaten there.

Last night they were making dungenous crab. What the fuck? Pookie. Ooh. It was making dungeness crab. People eating dungenous crab, the staff was. At the comedy store? Yeah, they made crab.

Fancy shit. But every night I steal three of those steak fries. I'm going to bump up my rate. They're eating crab. I go home and I got a lot. fucking put it on my weight watch thing three fucking frozen you gotta you gotta you gotta

make sure you keep tabs last Tuesday I got so high at that stormed time I was standing right next to you oh we were eating the wings yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah I couldn't stop we would talk and I kept these fucking wings like this is my last wing I'm gonna take 20 fucking wings

I went home I put 20 wings in the hot fucking weight watches it up and almost blew it up I'm done for the fucking week I love that you actually tacked in the wing. You have to. I couldn't even go for fucking pizza, Joe's pizza. I couldn't do my traditional.

Last night I had the points left. But I didn't go to Joe's pizza because my wife made meatloaf and it was fucking delicious. So I'd rather save the eight points for the meatloaf. Yeah, you got to pick and choose where you put in those points. And I went home and I had the meatloaf and it was a lot better for me. How many points is 20 wings? That's got to be a lot of points.

There's a lot of points. But they weren't. The thing that saved you weren't, there weren't the ones in Frank's butter. and right that's what saved me right they were the ones in frank forget it that's the fucking you gotta add the calories yeah the app just goes black the app shuts down the app just shuts down for a week and just getting your life together 20 fucking wings you're fat fuck I can't imagine a hot wing number it's two points it's five points for two tables tubes table tubes two tablespoons two tablespoons two tablespoons of blue cheese dressing holy fuck it's five points I love blue cheese that's why I got to get blue

cheese dressing. I make a salad. I just use two tablespoons, but I mix that motherfucker. Yeah. A lot of pepper and make it stick on there. Try and make it spread out a little bit, gets a legs on it. Yeah. Yeah. Stretch it out. The chunks, man. It's so much flavor. You got to smush them out.

I like when you had extra chunks. Yeah. It sticks to the blue cheese. Wings. I love wings. I love ones. And they're so good. It's just they're fucking deadly. They are so deadly. It's a junk food. It's a pure junk food. if we had time I go right now

we can get wings with Lee over there they got a picture Lee over there Lee was the wing year or the month for two months what did you how many wings did you eat Lee no he I eat a lot but no he's talking about what is big wings

they have small wings I don't like that but I could eat a lot of wings I love I love Buffalo weight like that's I like there's a lot of emotion with me with food like I love football like when I first moved LA, every Sunday be pizza

and wings. I just sit there. Tell them where you get to pizza. Yeah, where you get, I feel like it's hard to find good pizza in this town. No, no, no. Domino's Lee. The wings of Domino's suck. The wings of Dominoes are tiny. There's some local places that are okay here, but none of them are great. Domino's? Not for wings.

That's not pizza. He ate it, though. I've eaten Dominoes too. Actually, you know, I take that back. There's been a bunch of nights on the road where I'm like, let me get some dominoes. Yeah, there's only 99,000 around the country. What, I don't know. last fucking 20 years, I told this story. I went back

to a whole time one night. I could not take it. Like Law & Order was coming on. Yeah. Narcos. I had a bunch of shit and I'm down to a protein bar. Starving? They get like fucking the stofers meals? Yeah, I'm not eating that shit. The bullshit that they have in their

marketplace? If you have any pizza, they go, whatever, one of the chains, Domino. There's Little Caesars. No, it was Domino. Yeah. When you get thin, crispy. They're like, you got to go on the computer, so I can't have time for the computer. I'll give you an extra 20.

Get it in fucking 15 minutes. Yeah. I said, hey, don't, doon, do it, I didn't get it, I'm gonna fucking. I ate two slices because there weren't even slices. It was cutting to square. Yeah.

Well, you got thin crust. So I ate like four slices. Dog, do you know, I went to me. went and I walked all right in the hallway and I stuffed it into the garbage. It's so bad. I swear to my daughter's two hours later. I was in that hallway and that garbage taking the pizza out of the fucking garbage. That's how much of a disgusting motherfucker I am.

And we'll leave you with that. You filthy animals. Don't forget, Valentine's weekend. I'm over at the Tempe Improv, Thursday the 13th, Friday and Saturday. The party starts Thursday night. We got fucking everything. Stars, they're making a comeback. John Lennon's going to be there.

The Beatles are going to be there. Bruce, everybody. Thursday night, Thursday, 8 o'clock, fucking Tempe improv. Then the 28th of February, I'm at Treasure Island in Viva, Las Vegas. You are going to be in Boston this weekend. Boston this week at Laughston. Laughston this weekend, Asheville, North Carolina, at the Funkatorium. Dr. Grins the last weekend of February.

Good for you. That's a good fucking club. It is fun. It is a lot of fun. That's a good fucking club. I like Michigan. Yeah. Michigan's a good, they're good people. Hard working people and they love comedy. Listen, I've gone from Ishmaan all the way to fucking Mishawaka. What'd you call me?

Ishpam is all the way up on top. It's where penguins go to migrate. And Mishawaka is a neighborhood where Notre Dame is. Yeah. It's Southern Indian, Northern Indiana, I guess, Southern Michigan. I developed in Michigan. They're good people. Great comedy audiences.

Great comedy audiences. Yep, they really are. Dr. Grins. I remember there was two Dr. Grins. Really? There was two clubs in Grand Rapids. The Yoda brothers had two clubs in Grand Rapids. They had Dr. Grins and they had another one.

But fuck it. That was a long time ago. You know what I'm saying? Fuck it. I want to tell you guys a little story about something real quick before you go fucking anywhere. All right. There was this guy, Cafe Altourist, C. CEO Dylan Moskowitz.

He experienced how challenging hiring could be. And after an unsuccessfully searching for director of coffee for his organic coffee company, but then something happened. He switched to ZipRecruiter, and he saw an immediate difference. And you could, too, by signing up for free at ZipRecruiter.com. Listen, the church is brought to you by ZipRecruiter. I love these guys.

Why? Because hiring is challenging. But there's one place you could go where, hiring is simple, fast, and smart. And that zip recruiter, plain, and that's it. They don't depend on candidates finding you. It finds them for you. And it's, what are you bothering me for?

And it's technology identifies people with the right experience and invites them to apply to your job. That's the difference. So you get qualified candidates faster. In fact, after posting his job on ZipRecruiter, Mr. Moskowitz said he was amazed by how quickly the great candidates were applying and found his new director of coffee in just a few days. That ZipRecruiter, don't play games, all right? You got a company, you're looking to make money. You don't got time to play games.

With ZipRecruiter, Zip, Zip, Zip, you're done. With results like that, it's no wonder four out of five employers who. posts on ZipRecruiter, get a quality candidate within the first day. Joy, what are you talking about within the first day? Joy, but within the first day, that's what you need. That's time and money. That's what Uncle Joey's saving you today. So do me a favor.

Go to ZipRecruiter.com slash church. Grab a pen. ZipRecruiter.com slash church. That's ziprecruiter. com slash church. ZipRecruiter is the smartest way to hire. I also want to talk to you about Audit, my favorite. Why?

Because listen, they got a product that if you don't like it, they'll give you your money back, and you don't have to fucking send them the product. When somebody had, when was the last time you bought weed, it wasn't good. They gave you the money back. They gave you the money back. That don't happen.

That's how much Audit believes in Alpha Brain. Alpha Brain works. It's keeping me together. It makes me forget what I had for lunch, but I remember other things, like what Mindy Head's pussy looked like in 1984. I don't fucking know it yet. That was her name, Mindy Head. She gave Goodhead.

They called the Mindy Head. What do I know what happened? What did her pussy looked like? I looked for her on Facebook, but I couldn't find her on the head. So I moved down with my life. Anyway, do me a favor. Go to honor.com right now. Take a look at what they got. From the CMT, coconut, coffee cream, to the jerky, to the organic mint chocolate protein bars. Shroom tech, shroom tech sport.

Now, because of the Chinese people, Shroom Tech immune. Fucking, I can't even go for a fucking spare rip now. I see a fucking Kung Fu movie. I got to take two fucking shroom tech amunes. Ain't that a bitch? And I got nothing against Chinese people. You know, I love you, motherfuckers all my heart.

Dun, dun, tang, dian. Dian time, me said, coni. That's Year of the Dragon, in 1985. Anyway, go to honor.com right now, press in. Church, boom, and get 10% off your first order delivered right to your house. It's that plan and that simple. I want to thank my girl, Jesin May Paluso, one of my favorites. Thank you.

You're getting pretty every time I see you. Most importantly, I want to thank you savages for supporting us and for listening to the church. Don't forget, you bad motherfuckers. I know my man Pat She'll be there Thursday night at the 10 p.m. My girl from fucking my little Indian girlfriend is coming up. I forget what her name is now. Peg is a fucking badass bitch. She's coming up.

So the party's going to be at the 10 p. Improv. One show Thursday, two Friday, two Saturday, then Treasure Island on the 28th. I think it's a 28th. Just go to Treasure Island. Coming for the weekend. What's going to cause you to go to Vegas? Bring your girlfriend. Let's have a good time.

Why fuck around? I want to thank my girl again. I want to thank the Christ killer who's doing phenomenal lately. He's looking north tip-top of Magoo. Look at him. He was so happy. And I want to thank you guys for being savages. I love you motherfuckers.

Have a great week. And I'll see you guys Monday morning, ready to rock. The rest of you motherfuckers, I'll see you in Tempe next week. Thank you for listening. Have a great, great week. God bless you guys.