The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #759 - Tim Dillon

Episode Date: February 10, 2020

Tim Dillon, a stand up comedian, actor, and host of the "Tim Dillon Show" podcast, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt LIVE in studio. This podcast is brought to you by: ForHims- Go to ForHims.com/joey to get your first month free.   Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH at checkout for a 10% discount on your first order.

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Without further ado, my brother from a different mother, Mr. Tim Dillon. What's happening? Thank you for having me, buddy. And the flying Jews here today. Yeah. A special appearance. Oh, thank you. Fresh from Israel.

Looking smooth tonight with his little black t-shirt on. Yeah, you look like an extra from Uncut Jems. You do. My ain't didn't get me that gig. Yeah. I'd be pissed. You got to call Zemuk first thing tomorrow. Yeah.

And give them a backhand. I call my non-cut gems. Yeah. What's going on? Nothing much. Flew in. Just flew in from Chicago. Fucking great weekend there.

You know, early show on Saturday. One audience member punched another, which is always good. It means they're passionate. They're excited. Yeah, but, you know, Zaney's downtown Chicago's dark. You can't see what's going on. So I did a joke. And a joke usually does really well.

Nobody's laughing. When I'm hearing little skirmishes in the crowd, I said, what the fuck happened? Did I do the wrong thing? A guy and another guy for whatever reason, I don't know how it happened. Maybe somebody was interrupting somebody. He just fucking clocked him. And then him and his chick got up and the guy who did it, him and his chick got up and got out of there. The manager had to get involved.

So I just, you know, I just kind of plowed through with the set. That's tremendous. That's what it is. That's comedy. I have a hard time at Zanis downtown. Yeah, you don't like it. No, not that I don't like it. I love the club.

It's they don't like me. There's just some clubs you're going to go to over the years. Oh, yeah. I don't know if it's psychologically or something while you're on stage. You don't have a good time, and they don't seem to have a good time. There used to be a club in Baton Rouge, Louisiana. They didn't laugh. Right.

But after the club, they all came up to you and hug you and told you. Yeah. Yeah. I never felt anything like that in my life. Right. There's different clubs, you know, Irvine Improv. I love the club. They just don't love me.

Right. I can do Irvine. I feel like I'm losing with every fucking joke. Well, that, yeah. Brea, I love Brea, Ontario. You can light yourself on fire. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I feel that way about like the Northeast.

Now, I love, listen, I love the store, but I feel like I, I am, like, designed for the Northeast and for the Midwest a little bit. When I get out here at West Coast, people are a little bit more relaxed. They're a little bit more laid back. I'm a little darker, a little bit more aggressive. I feel like they're kind of like what's going on, you know? See, you know, these beach towns, everybody's doing good. They're surfing all day.

They come in. I'm screaming about, you know, Disney, you know, raping your kids or whatever I'm talking about. They don't get that, you know. What about the South? How are they doing the South? You know, I have not been to the South a lot. I taped a Netflix thing years ago in Atlanta, which was good. I mean, I haven't been to the South a lot.

I did some stuff in New Orleans, which is fun. I think this year I'm going to be in the South more than I've ever been. How long have you been doing comedy? About 10 years. 10 years. To 2010, late 2010. When I was, like, doing comedy, I discovered the South, like, in 2001. Yeah.

And I pretty much scared the shit out of them. That's when creative entertainment, aka, Charlotte. Yeah. I don't love Charlotte. Comedy zones. Yeah, I just did Charlotte. Okay. Had a string of one-nighters. Right. There were triple runs only they paid $100 more. Right. Still dark rooms and I remember going on them and eating shit every night. Yeah. From fucking Tennessee to West Virginia. Right. I remember going to Zanee's first time. And opening for Stanhope had to be 2001. And going up there, and having them for seven minutes

and then losing 20. Chicago or Nashville? Nashville. And then watching Santa go up and he'd hold them for 14. Right. And then they'd realize

what are we laughing at? We're Christians. Right. And I said, you know what? I hate dick in Nashville. I ate dick in Atlanta. I remember waiting all fucking day to do a guest set at Charlotte.

Little did I know it was black night. Right. I walk in there. It's fucking little laughing. Africa. I walk into the dual guest spot. They look at me like, nah. Yeah. I waited all fucking day at the call. You know, this is when you don't have no money. Right. This is when you got to sit at Starbucks all day and fucking take a sip every hour on an hour. You got to sit there and dehydrate because God forbid you finish that coffee. Yeah. You got to milk that coffee for eight hours. Yeah.

You got to fucking steal a tuna sandwich from the hotel before you leave and shit. And now you gotta wait because you're gonna have enough money just to get the cab the cab's 82 from the fucking because the airport's never close to the comedy club when you're broke it's funny it's like being a drug addict being a comedian it's like very similar it's the same thing it's the same you live the same way you live to just accommodate that right just to get just to subsist you live so once i went to atlanta i was done it was like i was too much of a new yorker they just then i went to jacksonville oh nelly yeah I did. I cover if Jimmy Schubert had a cancel. Okay. And I probably had 35 and that's if I tap dance and pulled the whistle out. Right, right. That's if I pulled the whistle out and tap dance. All right. Seriously. You know, I was living in Seattle. I had 30. When I left Seattle, I had 18 because I left 12. You left a lot. Local jokes. Right. So they disappeared.

They go. Boom. So I came down there with 18. What's great is when you see people trying to do local jokes. Oh, and they forget the first time, the trying to do like a Boston joke and you watch them and they like die. New York comedians do subway bits in Iowa. People stare at them. Like, what are you doing? Oh, my God. I saw a kid once in San Diego that I saw in Boston. I was friends with him in Boston at the fucking comedy club.

We do the open mics when I was in Boston. He had a bit about the guys on the radio getting drunk, Tommy Hineson, and drinking Budweiser and that, you know, it was just a brilliant bit if you lived, in Boston. Right. Every time he did it, if you had to follow him,

you were going to die. Yeah. It was an eight-minute bit about, you know, this fucking two guys, you know, he hit the, he hit the backboard

like a brick. Right. Speaking of bricks, how about a toast for the king of beers? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right. Just fucking constant.

And I never forget seeing him. I saw two people do that. One was this kid in Boston do that. same joke in La Jolla. And at the three minute mark, he realized where the fuck he was and why he was dying, the death of his life. It's great. And he could see it in his face.

It's the best thing to watch. And I'm going to tell you who else I saw this happened to when I first met him, Shereka 2002, Sam Tripoli. Oh, wow. Sam Tripple, when I first met Sam, he was opening up for Pablo. And he was doing a whole bit about exorcise of some drugs or some shit. And I'll never forget that one night, Mitzie just, Mitzie sometimes passed you, but in the beginning she didn't know where to put you.

Like I remember she used to put Stanhope up at 9 o'clock on Saturday. And fucking two chicks had to follow him. Yeah. And I remember one time he had to follow this lesbian chick with the fucking, the whole hairdo. And I was in there. And it was like an 8 o'clock. comedy listen 20 years ago the 8 o'clock show was the mild show the 10 o'clock show was a little bit more

risque everybody knew that that was the term you you ate dick for the first show and some people flipped it some people like some people hate friday late yeah a lot of people complain about friday late show sucks i fucking hate it it's hard to sell it's hard to sell a friday late show She put Stanhope up one time. I think the show used to start at 8.30. And she put Stanhope up at 8.45 on a Saturday night. And I saw it and I go, I have to go down and see this. I still remember the girl's name that had a follow him.

I will not mention it. I don't not remember the second girl that had to follow him. But the first girl was a chubby lesbian. Okay. And she went up there and they were like in shock. She had like green hair. And he, I still remember this, him grabbing the mic and going, keep it going for whatever her name was. Shirley McLean.

That's not a regular lesbian. That's a real fucking lesbian. She's at a kid's game with a cockpump. You know, holy shit. And they were frozen. Right. Like in those days, the reports you were hearing about Stanhope were that he was like just leveling the improv. Right.

What that meant was even the comics were cracking. Yeah. Like, we're not going to follow that. Like, comics were complaining more about them back then. Yeah. He was causing such a fucking ruckus. Right. But what I saw him caused at the comedy star that night.

Yeah, it was special. He started with that about the cockpump at the softball kid games. That's great. And he just ran from that. Sometimes I think that's, it's fun to watch that. Oh, it's fucking hilarious to watch the audience. Yeah. When they don't know what they signed up for.

Yeah, and they get shaken out of their comforts. I fucking love it. Yeah. I love it. And I love that uncomfortable laughter when there's, I love bombing. Yeah. When there's, I don't mind bombing. Right. But I like those eight people that are getting in. Yeah. They're dying for their life. And they're taking the ride with you.

Yeah. But you're bombing. Those are your people. Those are your people. But you're bombing. Yeah. But there's one guy over here that if you do this, he fucking giggles. I'd rather, it's like an outright bomb is good. and then obviously killing is good. The worst thing in the world is when they're actually having fun, but they're not alive.

Like they're there, but they're not there because you can't get mad at them. Because I lash out. If I'm bombing, I lash out at them a little bit. And it's funny to fight with them. But it's, you know,

if they're just, you know, one of the shows this weekend, they're all sold out and it's a lot of fans, but one of the shows, they were having fun, but not as much fun as I wanted them to have. You see them having fun.

They were just not. And I couldn't say, hey, fuck you. Because they all bought tickets to see me. I just had to, you know, do as good as it. And then after the show, everybody says, we loved it. It was great.

Thank you so much. Just take a photo. But, like, during, it didn't have that electric energy. And then the next show was back to the electric, like, you know, smash and all that stuff. So sometimes it's just a psychology of that particular group of people. When did you start doing comedy? It's 2010. What made you get up?

What made me do it the first time? I was in a mortgage business. And in 2009. College education? No, dropped out of community college to do percassette and sell subprime mortgages in Long Island, which I still believe is what I will return to. I believe stand-up is a sabbatical from my true calling, which is to work in a strip mall and have great lunches, serious lunches, and take percassette and telemarket mortgages in the tri-state area. all over the country, but the tri-state area we hit because you could go and sit down at the table and have a meeting. That, I remember we were in the Melville Marriott and there was a CEO of a really big bank there and he was hammered.

And he looked at me and a few young kids, not young, we're like 24, you know. And he said to us, he goes, boys, there's a cold wind blowing. And he was just, I mean, he was just knocking back booze. you know this guy had a family at a big house and he was leveraged you know you do all this was you know he you know so he and i was like looking around the office and i was like we're we're done we're dead in the water it's like it's it's over it's over there's no coming back from this my life is done and then i was like it's i'm 25 i'm not educated what am i going to do and I walked into a coffee house tattoo parlor on Long Island because one of my friends gave me the name of an open mic.

He goes, go do this open mic and see what happens. Any interesting comedy growing up? I mean, I loved so. I loved like, you know, I would see Carlin. He'd be great. I remember once when I was coming down from Shrooms, first year at college, somebody showed me Bill Hicks. He's set at Montreal. I think it revelations, I think, or relentless.

I forget which one it was, where he's in the Black Turtle. deck and he opens up because I was for the war he goes we had a war in the states and he goes I was in the unenviable position of being for the war but against the troops and I thought that was one of the funniest things I'd ever heard and you're coming down from shrooms you're like wait what the fuck did I even hear that right and I watched that set and I was really like drawn into that but I mean as a kid I loved that so now I loved all that and I was an actor from when I was six to when I was 12 child actor so I was in plays I auditioned for, you know, sitcoms in New York,

all that shit. So I was, like, into theater and stuff like that. But nothing ever worked. I was a failed actor at 11. It was tough, you know. But I took, then I took a little break, and then 25 I got back in. So it was like, I always had that bug

wanting to be on stage, wanting attention. Once you got, when you got back on that tattoo place. Yes. How did you feel when you got off the stage? I said, okay, this is where I belonged. I fit here. I fit here. I said, I fit here, which was insane because it was a tattoo parlor, cafe.

And I said, the place didn't even make sense, but it's Long Island. So nothing makes sense. Like, when you would bomb, you heard the needle goes zzz. And then somebody getting a tattoo would go, next. And then you'd go to the next joke. But it was, I said, I was like, I'm just going to keep coming back here. And I'm going to follow everybody here to the next place they go. and to the next place they go

and then I just kept following people and going where are we doing comedy you know and that's how I got into it and then eventually that led me to New York and then it led me you know years and years later to L.A. What year did you get on state? 2010? 2010 September 2010.

When did you move to New York? I moved to New York two years after that. Two years after that. And you were all in. All in. Now the first two years I was driving in to New York City and I did a lot of black rooms because black rooms would let you go up.

You know, a lot of the alternative rooms, they were, you know, more selective. They were cunty and you couldn't get into clubs, but black rooms would let you go up. Urban, urban shows. And they liked me. I was a big white guy. I was funny. And, you know, and they were really fun. My friends loved going to these rooms because these guys were killer.

I mean, we'd see Mike Epps, you know, Smokey Suarez. These guys are just murderous. So some of my friends would come with me. And then when I went to the city, I started doing the alternative rooms. And, you know, girls would get up and open a Molskin book. My friends stopped coming. They were like, we've had enough of this. But that's what I did primarily for like the first two years was open mics.

And then I would do, you know, black rooms in Brooklyn and in the Bronx. And then I would do, you know, whatever you got. You get a club spot here. You get a club spot there. But then I moved in 2012 right before Hurricane. Canes Sandy and I moved there with a married couple. And their marriage, they were just getting married. And that didn't last that marriage.

That was the second divorce I was maybe a part of. The first was my parents. The second one was, I'd probably share some blame for both of them. Because nobody wants a 25-year-old guy like me moving in with you when you just get married. It's just not what it is, you know, that's not, nobody, nobody's like. Why did you move? Were they friends of yours?

They had a cheap room, $500 a month. Okay. Yeah. And they go 500 a month. Listen, the building was built in 1911. It's a railroad apartment. It's a long hallway. And your rooms on one end, our room's on the other. The shower is in the kitchen.

So somebody's going to be washing their ass. Somebody's going to be making eggs. And the bathroom is in the hall of the building. But it's on 45th, between 8th and 9th Avenue. Got every subway in the city. You have a rooftop. You could go up and smoke cigarettes and tell your friends how fucking good you did it to open mic, which I would do all the time.

and they go, you can live here $500 a month. So I said, done, deal, in. So that's when I went. That's what I would consider all in. Because then you're living in that situation. You're living with steam heat. And you're 27 at that point. I'm 27.

I'm by no means a kid. And I'm, you know, waking up every day, you know, because my foot touches a steam pipe. And, you know, you get a third degree burn. And then you're rolling out of bed. And that's when I was doing comedy every night And during the day trying to sell photocopiers In Staten Island Yeah

It's a It's a Photocopies on the phone Yeah the jobs get sad Oh no no The jobs get sad But I'm a sales Like I'm a sales guy

I'm full of shit Me too I'm full of shit And I always I'm with people that are always also full of shit My father's full of shit My grandfather wasn't He was a contractor

He worked you know he was real Worked with his hands Built things made You're not full of shit You have the gift of gas Well I'd like like the way you say it. There's a big difference.

Right. It's a good point. There's a big difference in being full of shit. Right. And being a gift of gab. Right. Okay. The gift of gab is you could just talk to people.

Yeah. Make them at ease. Yes. And sell them a product. Yeah. That they don't need. Yes. That they don't need and shouldn't have.

Okay. Whether it's, you know, when here's the funny thing. What we do is comics when we realize that sales goes into it. That's when everything changes in our game. Right. That's true. When sales gets into it. You can be the best of me in the world.

If you're not selling yourself, you're done. You're fun. It's so weird how my background in sales was impeccable. Yeah. When I bit into sales, I fell in love with it because I was uneducated. Right. I was GED, whatever. And I knew I didn't want.

There was one thing. There was a couple things I knew early on. A, I didn't want a day job. Right. That just was not going to work in my world. And number two, I didn't want to fucking work for a certain wage every hour. Right. I wanted never to have a ceiling that always made sense to me.

Yeah. What does that mean that you're a salesman? That's exactly right. Some months you're going to make $800 and you suck it to fuck up. And some you make $8.000. And some months you make $8,000. You suck it the fuck up. Right.

And somewhere, and then you learn how to balance it. You learn how to put away money. The first month you make $8,000, you're in a steakhouse, you've got to pull. quarter house for two. You got a shellfish tower lobster. Put some blue claw crab on that too. Please thank you very much. Let's get a couple of Jim Martini's.

Let's do the cheesecake. Bring all the appetizers. Lobster Bisk. Port and cups. We'll drink it while we eat the steak. And then it's like then you have to then then you realize you have to pay taxes. Because sales is the 1099. They give you $8 grand.

You didn't make $8 grand, by the way. You now owe money. So I would get a check and then I would go out and spend money. And then I'd realize, oh, I owe money. Like I owe 4,000 of that goes to the government and I didn't pay any of it. So that was something to. But when I got in a comedy, the only job I could get was in Staten Island and it was photocopiers and selling office equipment sad because when you're selling real estate of mortgages,

at least somebody around you's got a lot of money. And you could look at them and be like, well, I want to be that. I want to be, you know, my boss, this guy, Tim, who had a big house in a pool. But when you when you telemarketing Photocopies, Staten Island, everybody there is desperate And they all have that job because it's in walking distance of their house So they could take a bus. Many of them just had dewees

What do you mean bus? Half of them are halfway houses Right. Half of them are shelter. Yeah. Half of them are toothless. They're alcoholists. Yeah.

Half of those telemarketing. Yeah. Hasn't developed a show. I pitched one. About 12 telemarketers. I know. I know. Six people who were fucking serious about life.

and six people who live day to day. Day to day. Shoot heroin. Right. They fucking, they got HIV. But part of the sales plan is cash. Yes. Okay.

So there's jobs that, like I had a great fucking job. I got a job at night. When I did comedy right before I left for New York, I got a job from five to nine. Yeah. Easy. Perfect. Five to nine.

Those are the jobs. Those are the prime time hours to pound the phone. Pound the phone. Pound the phone. I think it was 10 an hour. Yeah. At commission plus commission. 25 an appointment.

Yeah. Your appointment set her. He was an assurance guy. Right. All I did was just get him in the door. He had a sheet that he had already had contact with him. Of course. And it was 25.

Perfect. I would try to get three appointments an hour. Yeah. You get three appointments now. That's 75. That's fucking, you know, three, 400 a night. Yeah. Plus the $8.

Yeah. I used to sell cigars. Remember when cigars? Yeah, in the 90s. They were insane. I was an open mic or a year. Yeah. When I became a regular at the store,

the biggest job in L.A. was selling cigars on the phone. Sunset right across from rock and roll routes. Yeah. Where the hotelers walked 50 steps, that building, there were 20 fucking motherfuckers in there. Ten of us were, you know, actors, comics. Yeah. You had to be there at six, five.

five in the morning, five or six in the morning, but the other ten were fucking people who were toothless. Yeah, degenerates. He would be fucking drinking while they were fucking five in the morning. Who is the better sales drinking? There was, listen. Anybody can have a good day. Hunger is hunger, bitch.

Hunger is hunger, yeah. The best salesman in my office was hunger, bitch. Was a woman in the copier office. It was a woman named Ida. And they go, Ida, they go, Ida just sets appointments. They said, sit next to Ida. You train. You sit next to the top producer when you train.

So you sit next to Ida. And this was the top producer at this till. And she looked at me. I'll never forget this because this just puts in perspective how fucked everybody was. She goes, I'm doing good this year. And if I do even better, I'm going to get a car. And I went, oh, fuck. She's the top.

She's Mount Olympus. And she doesn't have a fucking car. I said, she doesn't have a car? And she would get on a bus every single day. and she set three or four appointments, get on the bus every day, make her money, make her money, make her money. And that's what she was.

She was just a, you know, she had the gift of gap. If you got the gift of gab, they can't you always eat. Yeah. I always say, what's the best motivator hunger? Yeah. Who's the best salesman?

Show me the hungriest guy in this motherfucker. There's something cool about a sales office too because it is a level playing field. Every day. You start at zero. Every day you start at zero. That's a tremendous gift to teach somebody. Yeah.

That you start at zero every morning at eight. Nobody cares if you're black, white, Spanish, gay, straight, Asian. It's about making money. It's about numbers on a board. Fucking line. Yeah. You realize what the bottom line is of life. Yeah.

I tell people a lot of, listen to this, people who are very intelligent life. But if I fucking woke you up at eight and gave you a fucking gun and said, have 500 by 5 o'clock. Every day, this is how the life I lived. Yeah. You know, it was uncut gems for me. Yeah. I left at eight.

I didn't know what I was bumping. And a lot of people that have never had to do that, if they just college or whatever, and they just got, you know, certificates and degrees, and they got licenses and they just, their entire life was just a different track. But there's something about having nothing. Because when you're in one of those offices,

you're telemarketing, nobody cares if you come in. They don't care if you come in. Nobody's there's nobody's gonna call you and go, hey, are you supposed to be here? They might do that one day. They assume you're not going to come. They assume you're not going to show up. There is no, they don't give a shit because somebody's going to sit in that seat if you don't. It's entirely on you.

There's nobody there that has any investment in what you're doing. You're the only one. Now, while you were doing all this shit in Staten Island. Yeah. And for people who don't know Staten Island, that was also, you know, you're leaving 45th Street in Manhattan. Yeah. To take a train. Yeah.

Well, I was taking a, I was taking a, in the beginning, I was taking a subway to a boat, to a ferry. Oh, my God. And then the ferry to a bus. And I would take a 40-minute bus ride down to the end of Staten Island. It was called Tottenville, which was the end of Staten Island, almost by Jersey, by the Bayonne Bridge. So I would go down there to reliable office systems where I was told that I was, you know, and I would steal cereal. This bitch would bring in Special K. Redberry cereal, and I would steal a little cup of it and I would down it and I mean in like a minute down it with milk a minute just steal a cereal

and then go in and sit next to Ida and just pound the phone and try to set appointments three months into that I was setting enough appointments to like you're good at this you got to come to our city office which was by Bryant Park Madison Avenue and Al called me Al brought me and Al was to head of that office from Long Island and Al goes you're going to come here now you got to remember do a comedy at night and that's my main focus so Al brings me in and he goes, he goes, you're going to be good at this. It's going to be your career. He said this to me.

Now, obviously, you know, listen, anybody else would love to hear that I hated that. I hated that he said that to me as I was sitting in this office. Now, I couldn't tell him, I'm going to be a comedian. He goes, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, me too. We're all going to be comedians. Shut up. Here's what you're going to do. You're going to sell these canon copier, you know?

And that guy, he was just a good salesman. Like, he sold Canon. And all he would say is on the phone, he goes, it's a good machine. It's a good machine. That was his thing. People go, it's very expensive. It's a good machine, though. It's good.

Good machine. Right? Am I right? People go, yeah. Yeah, I guess it is. And he was just like one of these guys who they hired me in the city. So I started doing it in the city and I started, now I had no clothes. I had like a suit that didn't fit, like an ill-fitting suit.

I'm 300 pounds. The suit doesn't fit. My guts hanging out. I have like the shirt that's half in, half out. I have shoes that are basically. moccasins that I'm passing off his dress shoes because I have no fucking money. And these sales guys, they don't understand that. And I'm walking around walking in hedge funds.

I'm walking in the law office. They think I'm homeless. They think the people are like, wait, whoa, secretaries are trying to stop me. I'm like, no, no, I'm trying to sell your copier. I sold a few of them, like just because I'm a fun guy. And I'd walk in and they'd be like, who's this fucking lunatic? Somebody came up to me once again. Your thing's great.

You walk in like a mess. People take notice of you. I go, it's not my thing. I have no money. They go, your thing, what you do is good. You wear ridiculous shoes. Your shirt's got bird shit on it. It's great.

They go, this is like a, they go, this is like a fucking thing. They thought it was a thing. They're like, yeah, this is good. You're like a slob. And people, but, you know, you memorize the pamphlet. You can make people laugh.

So I sold a few of these things. But the problem was now you're starting to do good. Now they're like, why don't you come out to dinner? why don't you meet this guy and then the problem is like well I got to do open mics I'm not even on shows yet so I got to do open mics like 6, 7 p.m. I can't even do things at 8 or 9 p.m.

yet. So eventually I quit that job because I was like I got to get out of the sales world which I had been in since I was 22 21 really I had been in sales and then I left it when I was like 28 I just on and off

just mortgages and the copiers always been in sales. And then the only job, I saw guys that got a tour bus and they were just yelling at tourists on a bus that was going through Times Square. And now he's like, well, that guy can't have a boss. There can't be any background check to do that job. These tour guys in New York, they were lunatics, these people.

One woman, I swear to God, would just go on and talk about a knee operation. And the people in there were trying to learn about the Empire State building, she would say, she would hear her. She'd go, I've had nine operations on the same foot. People would, but people would tip her at the end. It was like, you know, she was an animal, but people felt bad for her.

So they fill the tip cup up at the end. So I was like, oh, these people are also in their own way. Con artist degenerates, marginalized figures from society. You know, some of them thought they were historians. Some of them, they were all full of ship. You know, these guys, they barely knew anything. I was just like, I'll go up there and make, my whole goal was like, I'll make everybody laugh.

So I would, you know, pass a building. I'd be like, what the fuck's going on in there? You know, I'm like, you know, I was like, you know. What were you making doing that? 15 an hour. 15 an hour, but checks. So that's bad. So I never, so I, 40 hour work weeks, I never left with a check over 350.

Okay. But cash tips every day of either no money when I was lazy and didn't want to give the tour and a Russian woman punched me in the stomach once. because we were sitting on the thing. First of all the Russians are poor. They come in January, February. They have no fucking money. They're poor.

They come the coldest time of the year. And you'd have to do a tour for one Russian couple. And the thing with Russians is they have beautiful blue eyes like huskies, but they have no souls. So when you see, because they have 100 years of atheism, so they have no soul. So when you look in their face, you see there's nothing there. So I just sat on the bus and this Russian woman said to me, she goes, He goes, you give Tor, you fat fuck. I said, listen to the automated tour.

I said, I'm not doing it today. You're the only people on the bus. She goes, you, I pay money. You give Tor. You give Tor. And I said, no. Because I could put it on the automated when I was being lazy. And the automator would be like,

and the automated was supposed to be hooking with a GPS, but it was never where it should be. So we'd be by Central Park, and they'd be like, you are seeing the 9-11 memorial and everybody would look out like where's 9-11 you know they had no idea because the GPA these companies don't care because these buses there's no repeat business right you just you you you you you bang them bill bert has a great thing where he talks about the guys who sell tickets to these buses they're all Africans and Haitians and they all have deep machete scars in their faces they make eight or nine grand a month and they send that all back to africa

I think Burr, I haven't heard a bit, but somebody told me that Burr either talks about it on a podcast and does a bit about it, but they're aggressive salesmen. They'll fight each other in the street. And then once the tickets are sold, it's over. You're not going to complain about this. What are you going to go find in the office and complain about what I said or did? Who gives this shit? So if I was feeling lazy, but if I was really killing it, I could walk off the bus with 200 bucks in cash.

If I was really killing it, like pizza here, cheesecake here, here's the best steaks, here's the great sandwich. Here's the best blocks to walk. You want to see mansions? I could kill it if I wanted to. And then a Russian woman, she had it. So she got up and her boyfriend, this was hilarious. Her boyfriend, because I guess she hit him too, he wasn't even like present. It's the thing with certain Russian people.

Like he just sat there frozen like he was dead. And she got up and she goes, you give poor and just socked me in the stomach. Hard, hard, like hard. You know, it's kind of demoralizing. So I had to pick up the fucking microphone now and be like, all right, this is the Dakota where John Lennon lived, you fucking cunt, you know? And then I gave the tour for the rest of the rest of the rest. But what a great job was you were doing stand-up?

Yeah, I was doing stand-up on a bus. You're basically doing fucking stand-of-stand-up comedy on a bus all day, saying whatever the hell I want, getting some complaints, but my boss didn't care because he doesn't give a shit. How many tours a day? Two to three tours a day. It was brutal. So in the heat, it was brutal.

because it's a metal bus and everybody gets up there and everybody's pouring sweat and people are, because New York's not a pleasant city. It's beautiful. It's amazing. It's the greatest city in the world, but it's not a relaxing vacation.

So you're dealing with people that are like, they're all stressed out because they got a Broadway show, they got to get this, they get that, they want to see the Statue of Liberty, they want to go up in a helicopter, they want to do 90s,

all these fat people from Ohio, they want to see Central Park, but they don't want to walk through it. They're like, how do I, what are we do? I can't walk through, you know. So they won't go on a subway.

They think everybody's going to stab you with an AIDS needle. And I'm like, the subway is safer than up here right now, you know. Go down there. It's safer than, you know. And they, if you deal with all those people, I would just make them laugh every day and then do spots at night. So that was the job. And then once I started getting a little bit going, I did the Montreal Comedy Festival, 2016.

I took the bus out. I sold tickets. and did it for the New York Comedy Festival, and people bought tickets, and I just did, like, a crazy tour in New York and just basically said, this was my fucking life. And then fans of, like, my podcast and shit

got to sit on the bus and see what I used to do, and it was hilarious, you know, because I would talk about, like, human trafficking and drugs and, you know, my roommates and, you know, everybody on Broadway, they go, it must be amazing to be on Broadway. I said, these people are all one broken ankle away from living on the street.

Then you see a couple. college, like a high school theater group would come, and their faces would go down. I said, they don't make any money. I said, I know the woman of Phantom of the Opera. She drinks soup out of a cup and stares at the rain in the food emporium. I said, every day she wants to put a gun in her mouth. I said, so let me tell you, I said, and if she falls and sprains her ankle, she's going to be living in the street, and she's going to have to go to the suburbs and fuck her way into middle class,

and then she's going to have to work at your school, which I thought was funny. but one of the kids started crying but I'm like this is what it is this is what life is and that was like my tour and that wasn't for everybody you know I learned a big lesson last year I had to go to New York

and spend 18 days to shoot a movie and I didn't you know I grew up on 88th Street that was fucking 40, 50 years lot time ago guys you know I left New York in 83 that was a lot of fucking time.

In my mind, I wish it was still the same New York. Right. So I don't know where to stay. Right. They told me you're going to be picked up on 36th and 3rd every day. You got to meet that. So I figured let me get a hotel close to that. I don't want to stay in Jersey and you have to come over the ferry.

Right, right. You know, and I made a mistake. I stayed at a hotel where all that shit goes down. Yeah. the fucking black guy with the axe selling. Yeah. Where did you? Do you remember where he stayed?

I'd rather not say. Okay. I think I almost know. They gave me a rate. They were nice people, but I had to leave. Yeah. I had to leave. Yeah.

That area. And I would work out of danger fields. And I remember saying that New York, before you go to New York, you have to take a tourism class. Yeah. Like, you have to go somewhere, like, before you go to New York. Yeah, you got to do it. You got to do something.

Yeah. And I can't even like, even Chicago is too big for you. Right. Go to, let's start somewhere small and bring yourself up. Yeah. Because you cannot be a fucking idiot. Yeah. I saw a lot, like I made the mistake and stayed.

I was there for three weeks. The first hotel was a cool hotel, but a bit too cool for Uncle Joey. Right. Yeah, I hate those hotels. Bit too cool. I hate them. People drinking upstairs. Right.

No room service. The breakfast was English. If I want lamb chops for breakfast, I'll let you know. I want two fucking eggs. It's a little too hip. The room's cold. The room was cool. The first night had a fucking, I couldn't find anywhere to eat.

New York City, walk five blocks. Finally, I found the diner. And had a cool little Greek diner. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Second week I stayed in the heart right by the garden. That was the biggest mistake. Yeah. Of all time.

That's a problem over there. Oh, my God. Yeah. Getting in and out of there was a nightmare. Yeah. Nights. The hotel had 10 elevators. Yeah.

That's how many people were staying in there. Every time you got in the elevators, you thought you were in Las Vegas. People coughing. Forget about now with the coronavirus. Yeah. Forget about it. People, New York gets 50 million tourists every year. Think of that.

It's crazy. 50 to 60 million every year that come in. And they come in primarily from July through December. That's the big, that's the, so it's sandwiched into. And then January, February, you get a little break. January, February, March, get a little break. Cold is fun. Yeah, but then once April May starts, they start ramping up again.

And then once you get to July, forget it. I mean, and I worked in Times Square, and I remember what it felt like to get up every morning and then have to go into Times Square and be standing with a cup of coffee on, you know, 50th and seventh with a tour bus, two tour buses and a line of people with tickets. All these people, and I never checked tickets. They used to get mad at me. They used to go, you got to check these people's tickets. I go, I don't give a fuck.

They could be showing me anything. They want to ride the bus. They're going to ride the bus. I'm saying nobody wants to do this. Nobody's getting on these for free. I had to explain this to the people own the company. I go, nobody wants to do this shit except these idiots. Trust me.

None of my friends are getting on. Nobody's getting a better of me. They all have fucking ticket. And he's like, well, some of them abused a ticket and ride for an extra day. It's like, buddy, who gives a fuck? So I never checked everybody's tickets. But you would have to get them in the bus. They were hot.

It was disgusting. There was no bathroom on the bus. People will come up to you. You know, Arab guys would come up to. You want to pull over? I get the cafe for you. I get the cafe for my wife I get the cafe for me

I go we can't we're on a tour bus we can't pull over for you to get coffee for your wife like this is crazy you know but it was just that area of New York is is like I liked it and now I go back to it

and I go I'm in it for a few minutes and go okay I get it but there was something about it that gave you energy if you didn't have it like if you needed energy it was a drug it was a straight shot of a drug adrenaline every single day main line and I would get I do two or three mics and then eventually shows every night and I was like awake and I could do it and I was like I'm sucking all the energy

out of the city because that's the that's the center of energy in the city is that area fucking crazy yeah yeah that area just just I feel bad for tour like I was never a fucking tourist right like I would never let myself be a fucking tourist right like never ever Like my wife Tried to be when I took it in New York The first time And I had to cut the legs off of that shit What was she trying to do?

Like just dumb shit Yeah Like shit that even if you live in New York You don't go there Right Right When you grow up in New York The first year

They take you to the museum And natural history Right So you can't take it no more Yeah Look at that fucking whale And then And then

They take you the fucking Radio City That's true Right And you go to the fucking Empire State building. Yeah. You know what? I don't even want to do it again. Yeah. Yeah. That was it. I haven't been in a museum of natural history since I'm, you know, seven. I like the museum of natural history.

It's fun. I let them, we went to that one, we went to the Met. Yeah. I took the girls to the met. I took them there, but that other shit will never occur. Yeah. I love, I used to tell people, I feel bad. Go eat. I would say, go eat. I say you learn more about a city from from restaurants. then you will, from all this tourist shit that you do, you're going to see museum, you're going to see artifacts, and who cares? I'm going to tell you, you're going to go to a cool restaurant, you're going to look around, watch people, see what they do,

hang out, drink a cup of coffee, sit on a bench, just watch shit happen. You're going to get more of an idea of what the city is than going on some guided tour. You and I just start like a fucking, people, like, this is what John Lening got shot in the head. Yeah. If you're saying 100%,

I'll shoot you in the fucking head. I think, like, that's what, you know, This is what fucking Theo Vaughan made that drug deal. Yeah, and the cab driver. Yeah, and raped the chick in the backseat. This is the real New York.

Theo is non-cote with the dallas, strawberry, shit. This is the real New York. I used to, you know, that's what I want to take. This is what fucking my friend Louis shot heroin in the eighth grade. Yeah. And fucking he puked and we left him here fucking for dead. But that's what I want to hear.

If I go to a city, that's what I want to hear. You know? And I would tell you know what I would do too? because the apartments in New York City is so expensive. I try to make everybody on the bus feel kind of bad. I just pointed to buildings and I go, 10 million, 20 million, 30 million, 30, 40 million. And everybody would just get beaten down. By the end of the day, they realized that they were fucked.

They were like, God, the system's rigged. We're all shot, you know? And then every now and then one of these fat rods would try to, like, even the scales. You go, but they don't even have central air in those buildings. They have war unit air conditions. And I go, but they do have central air in their Hampton's estates. They take helicopters and land in them because they don't want to be in traffic. Many of them are 20, 30,000 square feet.

And she would go, ha. And it was basically me going like, I know you're trying to get one up on me, but not today, pig. Not today. And I would just make them feel, I want their spirits broken by the time they left the bus. I wanted them to realize that they had failed and it was nothing that they could do. They fucked up. They fucked up. They should have gone to fucking Disneyland.

They should have did, you know, that this is, you can't understand. understand this. Because New York is a city that requires both less and more explanation than any other place on the planet. Less explanation, meaning you get kind of what it is immediately, but more explanation, because I'm going to point to a building. I'm going to tell the average price is $26 million. And you're going to say, who the fuck lives there? And I'm going to say, Louise Crane lives there. Her family owns the paper that we print our money on. You didn't even know that was a thing. She owns fucking money. You don't even know what. And in people's minds would melt, you know?

And that's the type of shit I do. And I go, and next to her is a Russian fertilizer magnet. And next to him is a Chinese amusement park tycoon. And then the rest is Jews. But here's the way. And I would just do that. And then some people would love it. Some people get off the bus and go, man, I took two of these buses. And these motherfuckers are talking about, like, you know, nothing. They're talking about nothing that's ever effective. You know, they're talking about this where George Washington was. And here's where. the red coats, and then they go, you get on here, and you're talking about real shit that's actually happening.

And they're like, this is interesting, you know? I want to know what's going on. So some people like to, but yeah, we should do it. We'll rent the bus to Dylan Diaz, Diaz, Dillon. Poor. I still remember, like, being in the eighth grade and being in Jersey, and they took us to Philly to see, like, the Nutcracker Suite. Yeah.

The Nutcracker and Betsy Ross's house. Yeah. Like, you had to do all that shit. Yeah. Great. I'll never forget that we went somewhere and the guy said something. I think it was Betsy Ross's house. He's like, do you know what happened here?

And one of my buddies is like, who gives this shit? And he just, he. Because those two people. Yeah. They're so into it. They're so into it. It's so sad. And you can just throw them off.

There's nothing worse because when I was doing that job, I was doing it as like a means to an end, you know? And then there were people there where that was their full-time gig. Oh, my God. And that's fucking rough, man. I want to take you guys to Boston because the college I went to is right down by the common and they have these walking tours, but they make the tour guides dress up like their George Washington. You see, that I wouldn't do.

That's when it gets too much. Like, listen, I barely wore my uniform. Boston's got those stupid duck tours. People are excited that the, they're like, the thing goes in the river too. I'm like, that impresses you? We blow up things with a satellite. A guy in his phone sends drone strike.

But yeah, it was, but it's sad because every job you have is a comic. Every shitty job, you're doing it on your way to hopefully something else. But the guy next to you, that's his, that's it. I used to take a bus with this guy, great guy, big guy, lived in Staten Island and he worked into telemarketing thing with me. It was good telemarketer, but that was it. And you go, oh, yeah, you do a comedy. He goes, yeah, yeah, that's cool, whatever.

But this was his thing. You know, he had a girl, and they would just fuck it. He would do, and it's just like a guy like that. You're like, you know, it's a rough road, man. It's a rough road. No insurance, no savings of money, just trying to scratch up deals to make a living. And it's tough. And then also no there, like no future that you're looking towards like, hey, if I go through all this,

I'll get here. Because like you said, it's everyday start a zero. It takes a very long time to build to where you're starting at five. That takes a couple of years to just build up to where you started. Like, okay, I got a car. I got an apartment. So it's tough. A lot of those people I met, it's like you wonder where they are now, you know? When did you start getting hot in New York? Physically attractive? It hasn't happened yet. But we think 2040 is one we're going to see No, when did things start to work out? In 2016, I did the Montreal Comedy Festival. I had a good set, really good set.

That was one of the nights where it just went well. It just, everything that could have went, it just went the way it should have went. And it was a big moment in the sense that like nobody, you know, no, I had a manager then, but like I didn't have an agent. I wasn't on the road. I was doing little things. I was taking megabuses to go do bar shows and restaurants and things like that. 2016, I got an agent at W me, and they were like, okay, and I'm like, hey, I want to do comedy clubs. I want to work on the road.

I want to make money to do comedy. That's my main goal. Yeah, I'd love a TV show. I'd love everything else. I'll work hard for that. But if you could get me on the road and make money, I'll make these people laugh. And I think my first gig was the improv in San Antonio, which was like a 400-seat room. and I think 13 people came in on a Friday

to see me. Or a Thursday show, I think 13 people came in. It was like hidden in a mall. Yeah, yeah. L-O-O-L-O. First, fourth floor. And it was like the guy said to me, and it's a big room.

He goes, we got nine people. He goes, we don't really do the show until we get 11. So at that point, I'm like, you know, I mean, I'm like, just call this thing. I'll just go eat a fucking burrito, the size of a car and go to sleep.

you know and then the guy comes back in the green room manager and he goes listen he goes I got good news and I'm like I bet it's not he goes another couple walked in so I had to do you know it did this show but I did it went good that was my first weekend and I just kept you know my you know and then I did a comedy central thing and then a Netflix thing at 50 minute you know half hour comedy central 50 minutes on Netflix but it was it started with with the jathon I know everybody says that that festival doesn't matter anymore and I guess it doesn't. I mean, it's not in terms of like, I know a lot of people that never did it

that are doing great, better than me than there's, but for me personally that had an effect. Tim, remember one thing. Yeah. The Tonight Show doesn't work anymore. Right. A Showtime special doesn't work anymore.

Right. An HBO special doesn't work anymore. There's a thousand things that are never going to work unless, but if you figure out how to make them work. Then they work. Then they work. Great point. Great point.

Nobody is ever, prepared for we all make mistakes with our goals I can't wait till I'm headlining I can't wait till I get a Netflix special what you prepare for is what you're going to do with that Netflix

special I know Haiti motherfuckers I got Netflix special right and they're still on ships right you know crew ships they could be on a Cuban missile ship that take you from fucking Cuba and New York you know what I'm saying is that nobody

really knows. You have to be fully involved, fully engaged, and take every opportunity like it's your last one. Yeah. You know, when I say to you, hey, Tim, you know. Yeah. Come down to the improv, I'm doing something Friday, give you $200.

You walk in there nonchalantly, and you walk off stage, and some lady comes up to you and says, we've been trying to cast this show on the last for the last six years, and here you are. Right. And you're like, Jesus, if Joey only knows, how close I was to canceling. Yeah, it's true.

Like how close I came to ordering that grandma blow and staying home and getting my dick sucked. But I went out and made something happen. Yeah, it's true. People really don't understand. People don't understand that it's like you get these operatives. I remember the first time I did comedy, and the first time right before I did it, I go, should I just put this off?

Like, maybe I'm not ready. Maybe I'll do it next week. And then I just said, fuck it, I'm going to do it. And then it's like, that was one of those moments where I'm like, if I'd put it off then, maybe I never would have done it. And let me tell you what happened, Tim Dillon. For people at home, JFL is just the last. Right.

It's the Montreal Comedy Festival. It's the most prestigious festival you could be invited to in the country. And what Tim Dillon was saying and what's going on is that 20 years ago, you went up there and 10 people walked away with a half a million in cash. Yeah. And another 10 walked away with $200,000 in cash. Yeah. Another 10 walked away with $50,000 in a developmental deal, which meant that they,

we're going to develop some type of reality shows, show around you. The networks got hip. They gave millions of dollars away to the wrong fucking people. Right. And that business went down the tubes. Right. These agencies and these management companies started playing games. Yeah.

Making up stories about Lee Syatt. He's going to destroy. And then NBC gives Lee Syed a half million dollars, and the kid's got seven minutes. Right. Now the manager has to pull Lee Syed at a side of him, though, do me a favor, stay out of the three clubs. Right. What are you talking about?

But I just got a half a million dollars. Listen, stay out of the three-county club. Yeah. You don't want to be bombing all around town. Stay in Oxnard as long as you can. As a matter of fact, you're not allowed in Oxnard. Go to make his field enough. We don't want to lose this deal.

Yeah. I mean, everything, you think I'm kidding you. Can you imagine tricking somebody so that your manager comes to you and says, like, in a way, like, we don't want the networks. The big three to see you. What they're telling you is you suck. And we got you a deal because we lied. So go up there and hide before you fucking lose it.

And you have to fucking, so here you have this money in the bank now. And you got to hide because you tricked everybody. You did your best 30 fucking minutes. And now they're bringing people to see you. And they're bringing out riders. And you're eating dog shit. So now that goes to deal. So now what happens?

You got a deal. It went sour. You are with a good manager or a good agent. So now when people look at you, they're going to go, what are we going to do with him? Right. He already got a deal. He's already with this agency. So eventually they just...

Now you're 28. Yeah. Yeah. And then they just stopped giving everybody to money. Then they stopped. They said just dried up. It just dried up. So now that's what people mean.

There's no money in it. Yeah. There's no money in Montreal. I had a good... You know, it was one of those things where it's just... It's the first thing you do with teeth. That was the first thing I did with teeth. Absolutely.

Right. So the first, I was fucking walking around JFL. I was looking at people. I'm looking at people. People like your name I think was up there that you're like, I'm looking at guys and I'm like, these fucking people are working. These guys get paid to do this for a living. There's no day jobs.

There's no bullshit. They got fan base people come to see them. You know? And then it's like, and you're looking and you're like, I'm going to be in a, like these guys and me are at. the same thing, even though we're not in the same place, we're at the same festival, you know? And you're like, I hope this doesn't go bad. And it's, you know, for some people it went bad. And it's sad to see because a lot of people got picked. I got picked, you know, seven years

into comedy and I'd been doing it every night. There were some people that got picked two years in because they were, right? Because they were cute and they had a thing and they wore a hat. Yeah. I saw a few of them, but it was rough. And they make you follow like Theo Von. Yeah, and it makes you follow somebody who's fine. Yeah. You're like, yeah. So that's it. I mean, I saw people go out there and dance, you know, and then the, you know, these are like, you know, Montreal, people Montreal.

The people that go to that festival, they're somewhat savvy comedically. They've seen comedy. They kind of, they can be good audiences. They can be a little rough. But they're not going to do like bullshit. And so a lot of people went out there and they just were trying to stretch their thing. It didn't work. And then you just see people that had some real rough.

And then it's rough. I remember one guy walked up stage. I said, hey, good job, man. And he goes, no, it wasn't. You fucking know it wasn't. I was like, ugh. I felt bad because he was right. And I shouldn't have said that.

But I didn't know what to say. It's like, good set, man. He's like, no, it wasn't. He's like, you know, it wasn't. I was like, ugh. I felt bad, you know, is what it is. You know? But again, this was a good looking, just good looking guy who just clicked,

checked all the boxes. And when up there. and just had a rough time. But I went up there and I had a joke. And I remember when I broke him, it was on my second joke. I had a joke about pop, the show undercover boss.

And I was saying these fucking demon CEOs go undercover to like fuck with their employee. Like it's not enough you work in a shitty job. You got to have your boss make it, you know, fuck what you on television. And like, and then I was like, and then I think I stopped in the middle of my joke.

And I said, I mean the CEOs. I said, not network industry CEOs. I say, you people are good. people, you know? I said everybody, not in this room, not you guys, but the other people. And I just started to be me. Like I broke out of the joke a little bit and I just started to fuck around with them.

And that's what they want. And that was, so then as soon as that worked, then the rest of the set was confidence like, okay, I'm just going to do what I do in a bar in the lower side of Manhattan when I don't care. And it just was, it was, it just went really, really well. Really, really good. you've done great for yourself. I mean, you've, and you've made the right moves, calculated moves. Yeah. I love when people come out here dry.

Yeah. Yeah. What are you on from me? Right. Yeah. Came out here dry. What does dry mean, Joe? You came out here on nothing.

Yeah. Well, I met here on nothing. You came out here on. Well, I started, when I came out here and all that, I met my, my producer, my collaborator, this guy, Ben, Avery. who makes, we were sitting in his garage one day, and we were like, what can we do that's funny? Because you come out here, you don't get spots immediately. It just doesn't happen.

You know, you get a spot. You drive to Irvine. You drive to Bakersfield. I did all that, you know? You go to In and Out on the way back. On the way there, you go to Taco Bell on a way back. You do what you have to do to, you know, the Covina, you go here and there. But you don't, there's not a lot of spots.

So we just started making these videos, these fun YouTube videos that we put on Instagram and Twitter where I would just say wild shit you know and it would just you know like the duke rosan got canceled I said I'll be rosan you know I'll be fat and racist and eat dinner I'm like what's that show even about she's fat and she's dinner it's the whole fucking show

I'll do that you know and then we just started making these videos and then we would go and we would take this desk and we put a desk in front of like Jolly Big and he would film me and it's just like we were having a ton of fun doing it and he went in front of the wall

where people would put one yeah we'd put one yeah front of the pink wall all these instagram people and it was just a way to kind of get funny out there without waiting for somebody to call me and go can you come to the improv at eight o'clock you know which which happens now you know but it's i was out here at the beginning and then i started just coming out here so much that when i went back to new york it felt like i'm on a vacation because you know i wasn't doing the videos in you i wasn't doing anything in new york i was you don't do it stand it doing my podcast but I'm like oh when I come to LA we can make these videos we can do this crazy shit that's really funny and and it was you know that was really really helpful and so that when I did

when I did Rogan when I did Joe show I had some work where people could look at it and because they'd be like you know we had a great conversation he's like people were like who is this guy and you could go to my stuff and they would go oh this this is this guy's a lunatic and he's funny and I like that he's out here so that that was great that I did I did and I you know obviously Joe's been amazing and she shared those things and everything but that's been just trying to keep up with like all right so we got to be funny on Instagram now we just got to see we got to be funny here that's okay now think of what you guys have that I didn't have right right okay when I came out here in 98 you waited for commercial

auditions and you waited for theatrical auditions right that's what you did all day and if not you met three guys that it's now a Indu place. It used to be a Chinese place right across from Rock and Row Routes. Yeah, I know exactly. Next to the laundry mat in the Russian market. They used to be a Chinese place. We used to take over the room, nine of us. Yeah. And we'd throw ideas off each other. That was then.

Now, you don't have to have a boring day. Right. You can make a video every day. You can go do something crazy. You can go do something crazy every day. You can schedule a podcast at one. You can schedule a podcast at three, you know, if you have dead time. There's so many, and they're all going towards the same goal.

And you could do it, listen, you could do a podcast for a big YouTube guy. I was talking to a comic in New York the other day. I said, you got to do this guy's podcast when you come to town. He's a YouTube guy. And the guy said to me, goes, I'm not doing a YouTuber's podcast. And I'm like, you're stupid, man. I don't understand why, because that's the other thing I love about L.A. I did, you know, Logan Paul's podcast.

Me and Logan Paul has nothing in common. But he's a nice guy. He's a fun guy. We had a great time. I met him on Theo Von show. I got fans from doing it. He's a good dude. I like the guy.

Why ever put yourself in like a box? And I love New York to death. But I think sometimes guys in New York, they're obsessed with the purity of it. And I'm just going to do stand up. And I'm going to stand you on this stage until I'm dead. And it's like, no, you got to go out there, realize it like, yeah, other, there's other people out there. There's other mediums out there. You might not like what they do.

Who gives a shit? Who gives a fuck? Who gives a fuck? To give you the opportunity. They give you an opportunity. You have audiences. And what happened was New York used to think they were the shit. L.A.

has lap New York and only in comedy, by the way. Let's not get excited. I'm not talking city to city. Let's not get excited, you know? But in comedy, L.A., because they were first with the podcasting, they went big with that. They understood that. And you know more about that to me.

Maybe it was because it was less station. I don't know. But New York guys now look at L.A. And like these, the, I'm going to be honest. I might get in trouble right now for saying it. The greatest comics in the country right now are in LA. Right now. Not always.

Right now, the guys that are the best and the guys that are coming up and are kind of paving the way are in Los Angeles. Right at this moment. That's crazy that you're saying. But the best restaurants are in fucking New York. Don't fuck with me on that. These restaurants here should be burned to the ground. Fire bombed. Not all of them, Joey, but some of them, Joey, you know they should be.

Oh, 86%. Don't get me. This is a neighborhood of fucking death. Yeah, yeah. And people have no idea. Yeah, right. We had an interesting conversation a couple weeks ago. Did you eventually go to Weight Watchers?

I didn't go to Weight Watchers. I should. We had a great conversation. I should try. I want to try it. People have had success with it. Because I got all these photos. I did Zanis.

I got all these fucking photos of myself I don't want to look at. All these people are posting. Good. You look good. Well, that's very sweet. That's also untrue. But I appreciate. No, you really do.

I appreciate that. I'm not looking from here on. People's at. So, but you know what it is? When you're a big guy, it's all about the way the camera hits you. Because when I put myself in my jacket, I look okay. Listen, I stopped looking at myself in 1990. All right?

I stopped looking at myself in 1990. Yeah. I get, yeah. I go in the mirror now at night and I see Grandpa from the monster. And I laugh for five minutes. I'm like, all the shit that does. doing nobody's redoing grandpa right i would kill his grandpa that you would be amazing as grandpa because grandpa was a nut yeah downstairs mixing chemicals yeah boasting people that was a good show

that was a trouble people forget how good of a show that was when he when when vand de carlo yeah used to tell him grandpa put your fingers off because he used to light his fingers on fire yeah threatened to burn you yeah this and she would go grandpa turn your fingers off there was a thousand episodes to that show. Yeah. Why I laughed my ass up. But that's not the point. It's just so weird how you,

and I got to tell you, they all know it. Yeah. For the first time in the history of entertainment, the entertainer has got everybody by the ball. That's true. There is no excuse to beat the out back no more. Agents are losing money.

I don't care about what color you are, what nationality you are. I don't want to hear none of your excuses. I'm too fat. I'm too skinny, I'm too ugly. If you really want it in today's world, all you need is that fucking phone, Twitter, Instagram, YouTube. Yeah.

Go to work, bitch. Build the empire. Do whatever you want. Go to work, bitch. Go to work. Go to work. Your money where you're mouth is. Yeah.

Stop blaming it on. Yeah. My agent doesn't call me. Nobody calls me. Well, L.A. Sorry. You know, there's a lot of younger guys, I think, in L.A., that there's just this, I idea that they're, you know, owed something.

Like someone owes you some. And it's like growing up in New York, I would go to Broadway shows. You would walk by a black gospel church. And you would hear somebody on that stage who was more talented than anybody that's getting paid money to walk into stadiums right now. I mean, just raw talent, raw natural talent, you know? I would go to Broadway show. I'd see somebody. There was a play called The Ferreeman that Jim Gaffkin told me to see three-hour play.

I mean, three hours, you know, it was about Irish family, about a bunch of drunk and degenerates, I related. And it was just so good, so good. And listen, some of the actors had careers, but a lot of them, no one gives a fuck. So coming from New York, you realize that talent isn't always rewarded with anything. But L.A., because it's Hollywood and glott and glaring. People think that like, they're like, hey, I'm kind of half decent at this. where's my Maserati and the house and it's like what are you nuts

Like it's not what it is The new that's why I'm happy Then I came up in New York And I kind of grew up there And I saw that because it's like You realize talent isn't enough You gotta fucking hustle Because there's so many talented people

In New York that just They just atrophy They fail You know But I should go to I should go to weight washers No I should We were talking about it And I was

It was just interesting because I for the last 20 years since I moved to LA I've struggled with weight you know because your focus is so much into comedy. Yeah. Your focus is late night eating.

Also there's not a lot of stuff that makes you happy in life. There's not. That's people don't really, nobody just talks about that. There's just not a lot that makes you happy. There's not a, now since, you know, it took me,

I knew I didn't want to die from being a fat fuck. Yeah, that's the way I feel. I don't, listen, I made decisions early on. I didn't want to get shot. I didn't want to die in the prison. Okay. I didn't want my girlfriend finding me on the floor from an overdose of cocaine.

We're all going to die from a heart attack or smoking from this refurb I've been smoking or the edibles or the pills we did for years. I just didn't want to die from diabetes too. I didn't want to lose a fucking foot. Right, right. Okay. I didn't want to go out that way. Let me pick my way.

I'm going to pick my way. I know I'm going to go out. We all know in this room we're going to go out. But pick your own way. Pick your route. Yeah. Okay. Do you really want to go out in a fucking hospital?

You know, because you fucking didn't want to stop eating in and out burgers. Really? Right. That's what you're fucking telling me that you want to go out in the fucking hospital. Do you really want to have to pull up your shirt once a fucking day and shoot yourself in the fucking stomach? Crazy. Yeah. When you're on the road and whatever.

You know, I saw Ralphie Mae come in here, and I saw the lump on his neck from where the, that, that shit that gets rid cortisol. Was he that big from eating? No, no, he was that big from fucking, from ice skating. He ice skating so much. It's just hard to imagine, but I know it's what it is. You know, rest in peace, Ralphie Mae. Yeah, it was great. Patrice O'Neill.

Yeah, best best. Rest and priest, you know, our diets are not the best. And then we had our sleep habits. Yeah, that's bad too. To the diet and all that. So, you know, like 2009, no, I think 2007, I walked into Weight Watchers. I had the balls. It was embarrassing.

But I finally realized that this was the best part of my week. Right. Was going to Weight Watchers and fucking going off. Like, the lady started accepting it. Like, go off and then. Because going to Weight Watcher meetings seem boring on paper, but they're very funny because you're going to start getting frustrated because you're going to see people that are you.

Right. People that go, I don't know what happened last week. Every one of my meals, I ate bananas and I still gained eight pounds. Well, you did something wrong here. If you ate bananas, every meal. And I walked my action points and I still gained eight pounds. You want to reach over and smack them. There's people who go and they'll actually lose six ounces.

Yeah. Like they'll say, I lost six ounces the last two weeks. Oh, my God. You know, there's people who go and they gain weight and they'll go, I could do the food, but I need my glass of wine every night. And you're like, are you this fucking stupid? So the system is points. The system is points.

And you're based on your weight and everything. 41 points, your weight, your age. You get points. You get points. So you get 41 points a day. Okay. You get 41 points a day. Then they give you 50 action points in case you go over the 41.

Now you look at me going, Joey, what's 41 points? Okay. 41 points means that if I get six scrambled eggs, scramble them up, pull salsa on them, and put black beans on them and eat them. that's zero. Wow. That's zero. Wow.

If I take four chicken breasts and put it on my grill and put salt and pepper on them and whatever and get a cup of white rice with red beans or protein, the only thing I'm paying for is the rice. The chicken and the beans are free. Okay. Seafood free. Piece of salmon would mash. What about I had a lobster Benedict this morning.

We're done the English muffet with the holidays. and aside of cereal with strawberries almond milk and a little pastry. You're done. Here's my question for you, Joey. We have a similar talk. Does any of this really work unless you're ready to lose weight?

It works. We all know what you have to do. You have to eat chicken and not eat bread. We all know what you have to do, but it's just making the decision. Does it work if you... Nothing works if you don't want. Listen.

Right. Nothing that you do half ass is going to gain you any results in life, no matter what you do. Whether you play the flute, whether you suck assholes, whatever. Right. You got to do it 100%. You got to eat it going with everything you got or don't do it at all. You know, when I went into weight watches, I went in there reluctantly. But I kept an open mind, and then I learned it's not even a diet.

It's just a lifestyle. Right. Okay, so my breakfast right now is one piece of wheat toast, two eggs, and two pieces of bacon every morning. And I was sustained off that. And I smoke weed. Yeah. I smoke tons of weed when I get up to make me eat those eggs. Right.

But, you know, I know different cheats. Right. So give me a cheat. Bananas. Ooh. So two bananas and an apple. That's a cheat. You know, that's a little cheat move to hold you over.

You can't put fruit into a fucking milkshake. That'll kill you. Right. So if you make a protein shake, those protein shakes, I make a two points. If I eat those eggs, and I make a protein shake at 11. I'm good until 2 o'clock. Right.

I'm just buying time. You know what I'm saying? That's all you're doing. And then you learn how to eliminate to make more points. Yeah. Like when I first started drinking protein shakes, I would use 8 ounces of milk,

which is 4 points or whatever the fuck it is, a quarter scoop of non-sugar ice cream, and the protein powder. So the protein shake was essentially 9 points. Right. Guess what that protein shake is today? Two points. Interesting.

I turn the milk into water and still put the ice cream in it. Right. And then I eliminated the fucking ice cream. So you can, if you stay on the points. 41 points a day. Everyone gets 41? No, no. Everybody gets different according to your weight.

And then they give you 55 extra. So right now, it's fucking Sunday. I start again tomorrow. And I have, right now I have 26 action points left. Now, what's an action point? That means I could do whatever the fuck I want. Really? It means in reality, my wife is making chili for dinner.

I got 17 points left. I could eat those 17 points, and I could go to Joe's pizza tonight. I have three slices. Oh, my God. Because I got until midnight to eat them. Interesting. And you're still on your plan. Yeah.

Yeah. The thing with me is I'm very light with it. So I go between 290 and 294. I'm happy at that weight. Like I'm happy. I would like to go down to 240, you know. So that's the question. How do you get to 240?

Remember, when I first walked into Weight Watch is I was 418. Right. Of course. You know what I'm saying? I was 418. And then you just, it's not a diet. See, that's the word. So it's a lifestyle.

See, I did the keto thing for a while. it worked, right? I want you to do something you're able to do on the road every day. That's hard. And I swear, wait, what? Yeah. That's what I tell people. Yeah. Well, I'm going to do the carnivore diet. Okay. So that means you're going to eat a steak for the rest of your fucking life three times a day and a piece of salmon. Right. That's what you're telling me. Right. Well, I'm going to do that. Everybody got something. You know, if you live at home and you're Janet Jackson, that diet's going to work for you. Right.

Because you have people cutting shit for you. And doing that. I'm going to do that. The no carbs diet. Wait till you get the Zanis and it's one in the morning. It's true. What are you going to eat? I'm on my third show in the night.

I mean, do you have the almond milk in Chicago? Right. Yeah. Yeah. They're just punching the fucking mouth. I had three shows Saturday night between the second and the third show. It's like you got to do something. There was no food.

and so I had a banana and four Oreos and two Marlboro lights and I don't smoke but I spoke occasionally and you know that was my snack was four Oreos a banana and two Marlboro lights and that got me through the last show you know fucking

I can take those 26 points and I need Oreos right I can go get Oreos and say how many points of each Oreo and eat Oreos I do all the time I got a donut once a week for six points yeah I got yum yum donuts and the fucking says

Damn. So you can go into the system, yum, yum. So, no, that's the other thing. How do you see what points? What is in? Oh, my God. You go to a restaurant.

They have it. So I can go to Weight Watchers and say I'm going to P.F. Chang's. Right. And they got the menu there. Oh, wow. You can put in an out burger. Like, my celebration for Weight Watches,

like, when I used to go to Weight Watchers in Hollywood, my celebration was Sundays at 9, I would weigh in. I always waited on a day I knew I was going to be in. I always weighed in. You don't want to weigh in on fucking Friday. You're going to go out Thursday now. You're weighing in front of everybody? No, you weigh in when you walk in.

Right. You give the chick your card. You sign up for six months. Right. Beep, you give the chick your card. It's not like 19 fat people watch you. Yeah. That's what I thought it was.

That's what I thought it was. Where it's like you got on a scale and everybody's just staring at you're like, You fucking lied to us. The computer's a scale, and then she'll type it in, and she'll go, you had a good week, and then you buy fucking sugar-free brownies or whatever they have. They always have snacks there that I take on the row with me. They're good, yeah. That's all at night, and then you learn how to prepare.

Tim Dillon, you're going to fucking Chicago this week, bitch. I know. You're going to eat a beef and sauce and sandwich. I get it. It's so bad. Guess what? But guess what? Right.

But do me a favor, from Monday through Wednesday? Behave. Babe. Eat the six eggs, scramble. I don't give a fuck. Eat the chicken breast. Get a salad. Listen, these people,

well, if you're going to eat a salad, you're putting salad that you shut the fuck up. Yeah, right. I'm sacrificing everything. Right. You know what I mean? That's an salad with tomato onions. Nobody's fat because of salad dressing.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll take the five points for the boot cheese dressing. Because I mean, lettuce and tomato onion. It's not the, it's not the thing I was, when I, nobody wakes up in the morning. And says, you know what? I think I'm going to have three fucking salads today because I really want. Yeah. I can't wait to get my taste on.

I can't wait to see how that lettuce is tasted today. Right, right. Unless you go to Dan Tananas is good. Get the fucking house salad. I like La Scala salad. Oh, my God. La Scala's got a good salad. But then you followed up with the spaghetti, the cognac spaghetti with the shrimp.

You got to watch all that. I know. I know. I'm sorry. I go to Danny Tanners with my wife and everything is seafood. I open up with. I love seafood. So I fill up on the seafood, which is everything is zero.

Right. Shrimp cocktails, zero. Right. Two crab cakes, four points. Nothing, yeah. Fucking fried calamari is a killer. Right. But that and then I get the salad.

So by the time the fucking steak comes, you don't even eat it. I eat the steak. I pay for the points on the steak. Yeah. But I filled myself up on the salad and the shrimp cocktail. Right. So it teaches you how to, fucking prepare for the week.

Yeah. You know, how are you going to go to New York and not going to eat a fucking egg roll? Right. Okay. I'm going to eat two egg rolls. So in L.A. from Monday through Wednesday,

right. I'm going to be good. What with me? It's like if I go to New York, I'm going to eat a bagel with, like, smoke salmon. 11 points. The salmon is free. Okay.

Because it's fish. Bagels 11? 11? And a donut's only six? Yeah. Bagels are a beast. Bagels are a bad thing. A bagel's a bad thing.

A bagel's like half a loaf of bread. It's really bad. So bagels are 11. But I love going to his place. You know. Wait. And that doesn't include cream cheese? Huh?

The 11 does not include cream cheese? No. Oh, yeah. Bagels. See, I do a fish spread that's baked salmon and white fish. A place called Sables on the Upper East Side smoked fish. Oh, that sounds nice. The best.

And they put salmon grove locks on it. You know, I mean, it's ye. Tomato onion. You get a potato locker you throw in there. Chicken. Nessly quick. All that shit is free. Chicken and fish are free.

Have you know, have you gained. Have you gained weight since you've been in LA? No, I've lost a way. I was doing really good and then the holidays came and I went off the rails. I went off the rails. I was doing really good. I was heading in the right direction and I and then I went off the rails a little bit because I was in New York for a little bit over the holidays and it just kind of direct.

LA I was okay. But then New York, there's a lot of carbs. It was a lot of friends I hadn't seen it a while, comedians, everybody going out to dinner. Let's go to dinner. Let's go to dinner. Let's do dinner. You'd be doing two dinners. And I mean, you know, you, because we're out to 1 a.m. do a comedy every night at 1230.

People go, let's go to the diner. And now you're eating again. You ate at six or seven. Now you're eating again at 1231. I mean, it's just a recipe for fucking disaster. You don't go out to a diner at 1230 at night and order a, you know, chicken salad. I mean, you order mozzarella sticks. You're getting, you know, a bacon, egg cheese sandwich, maybe.

You're getting whatever, you know, whatever, a grilled cheese, bacon, a tomato, french fries. You know, I mean, whatever it is. it's a problem. My diner, my to-go diner Grown when I was living in fucking Jersey. Yeah. My to-go diner was the Berkshire diner. And one in there, especially on Wednesdays

because they had cream of turkey soup. Oh, that's great. Well, winter night and a cream of turkey soup and fucking Jersey. We wouldn't snort Coke on Wednesday. Yeah, you'd have to respect for the soup. Fuck yeah. That's how strong Wednesdays were. Dude, cream of turkey is a sleeper.

A sleeper. It's a sleeper. If it's done well, it's a fucking, it'll change your life. And they had a thing. See, this is the reason I can't. Do you understand, listen, right now I'm really much saved because ever since Ralphie died, it really woke my eyes up. Like tomorrow, I have to go to a knee doctor at 1130, see if I get some guy,

I'm going to dry this in my knees. Right. You're the other thing that, you know, you're young now. Yeah. When you're 55 and you're a comic, we climb a lot of stairs. You go on a comedy clubs. You've got to walk a lot, a lot of airports. So I've already had two knee surgeries,

and tomorrow I'm going for arthritis. I love to sit here and looking in the eye and tell you, it's because of my athletic performance. Right, right. But it's because you're a fat fuck. Right, right. I'm a fat fuck. So now I've got to go deal with this arthritic thing.

So that's why I say to you started now. Yeah, I'm 35. I got to start. You want to start it. I went to weight watches in my 40s, and it was phenomenal. I'll tell you now that at 57, if I drink water, I gain weight.

Really? Like, I have to watch everything. Yeah. And I know that I do a lot better. Like, if I'm hungry now, I do a lot better if I eat a steak than if I eat a banana milkshake. Right. Like any sugar now, I'm done. Sugar's the devil.

Sugar destroys. At my age right now, who Joey Diaz is today, if I take one of Mercy's candies at night, like, if I walk by and take two of a starbust, I get on the scale the next day I've gained the pound. Right. But I could eat a steak and lose a fucking pound. Right. So these are the things you learn by weighing yourself every day. And, you know, it just, last week I was talking to somebody about sleep. How important?

A couple of years ago, I loved Joe Rogan podcast. Yeah, on Stephen Tyler, made me realize how lazy we were. Right. Steven Tyler is 73. He's fucking doing 10 things a day every day. He's killing it, yeah. But he had a guy on there about sleep, a guy that did a book about sleep. I watched that.

I watched that. that's part of our problem. We're not sleeping enough. We get back at one that bullshit in the old days, Tuesday through Sunday, you have five days of radio. You're going to bed at three, you're getting up at six or radio. That destroys you.

Yeah. So there's so many aspects. You know, I saw this thing with Mick Jagger on Netflix. OLE, OLA, O'LeA. I don't know if you're a stone fan, and the guy asked him, do you, are you upset

that people mob you and come up to you and ask you for pictures and he goes, it's all part of the gig. Right. Being a better friend to ourselves is also part of the gig. I didn't know that if I wanted to Rogan. Go on the road to Rogan one weekend.

That level of discipline is like, I'm the first time he called me and go, let's go to the gym. I'm like, what are you talking about? Like, we're on the road. Yeah, the gym. We're outlaws. Yeah.

You go on the road to do drugs, to get STDs. Right. and to fucking fuck people you don't go on the road to be healthy right but he's amazing yeah he can be healthy and after a while I watched him I would avoid him yeah

I started avoiding him for breakfast right because he would make me go to the gym and then go to eat let's go to let's go eat yeah you know what let's go to the gym for him he's eating eggs and I'd be on the fucking treadmill dying and he's fucking throwing weights around yeah yeah I think I did it like four times

I'm like I'm not doing this normal he said to me he goes he goes just cut out carbs and sugar. I go, oh. But he's right. Here's the thing. He's always right. It's just to say to a guy like me cut out carbon sugar, it's a tough thing to do. This is why I like weight watch. Right. Right. This is why I could go on the road and eat honestly. Right. I love the hotel breakfast when I get up because a cup of oatmeal is five points. Right. And you ship nice coffee and you go back to the bed. Like I said, if you asked the guy for a four-egg scrambled eggs with two pieces of wheat toast,

your breakfast is two points. Right. So you could eat heavy for dinner, and you could, that's why I like weight watches. Right. Because it's not about carbs. It also forces you if you want to work out, and it has a meter, and you can put your points in there. It's like this week, I think I have 48 workout points. goal is 61.

But I'm 57 years old. Of course. And heavy weights. I went to a boxing class. Right. I didn't go to my Saturday class because I didn't feel too good. So I didn't want to go to Tempe this week and have the flu. Right.

You go to some of these schools and the fucking doors are closed and people throwing punches and you're like, what the fuck? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's flu season, but it's cold in L.A. Right. So people don't open the doors these weeks. So I don't like that shit. So I just worked out at home yet. So I want to go to your, I want to go to your meeting.

wherever your meeting is. I want, because I'll go to that one. Now I go to meetings when I go in Studio City. Yeah, I'm going to check. I want to check that one. And it's Monday nights at six. I want to check that. The next Monday you go.

I don't say two fucking words there. Yeah. I'm not going to say anything. I don't say two words. I'm not saying. Once in a while. I did learn. And you learned things.

I just want to observe and see what this thing is. Go online. I have such an aversion to cults. And I know this is, I know it's not a cult. I know it's not a cult. But when I think Weight Watchers, I think these fat women in the suburbs, who were full of shit, like my mother and her friends were like,

you can eat whatever you want, but you got to be accountable. And they would never, you know, and it never made any sense. I can't be like, I can eat cake, but then I just have to have water. It's like that's not how it would work, you idiot. But I want to see it and observe it and see what it is. Accountability is everything. It's like me telling you, it's like you telling me the answer is 37. Right.

It's great. Show me to work. Right. And that's why I enjoy it because I'm a count. I like being accountable. Yeah. If you go to my house right now, or you go to my office,

there's a little notebook with Monday through Friday, Monday through Sunday. Do you pre-cook any of the meals? No. No. No. No, no, no. Okay.

No, no, no. Did you ever try to lose weight when you were single, Joey? Yeah. Was it harder? No. Okay. It's all the same.

Yeah. It's called pushing yourself away from the table. That's true. I was an expression they used in Jersey. It's time to push yourself away from the table. That's the best exercise. There's no single, no married, no nothing. Right.

If you want to get healthy, you push yourself away from the fucking table. 100%. They used to call it two things when I was growing up. Flushing, it's time for you to flush. Yeah. That meant you're getting a little big. Yeah. It's time for you to flush.

Yeah. And that means you get like four pounds. And it's time for you to push yourself away from the table. Yeah. You know, I love food, you know. But I avoid desserts. Like I took my wife with Cuban food the other night. Yeah.

I got the fried banana. I got the pork chunks I paid for them you gotta pay for them right so I had to eat like fish for lunch right and I had yogurt with fruit for breakfast so I prepared for that right so I prepared for that you know I don't want to die in a hotel room gee no in some fucking town yeah you know I'm like you with New Yorkers you know what that means being from New York yeah like I bust people's I bust people's balls I bust these balls about we're dead up here after nine o'clock yeah I'm kind of happy right I'm kind of happy that we're dead up here after 9 o'clock

I can't go get a fucking open steak sandwich with onion rings You can do that in New York so easily You know, in New York I go to Cheeseburger Deluxe With fries with the fucking gravy Yeah you get it all Get it all Moussurel cheese

Get anything you want I'm gonna just go home to die Right It's nice LA there's no real dinners And one day you get a sandwich in New York At 3 in the morning A beautiful turkey sandwich with everything And you know chips and stuff

And you can't do that in LA. No, you can't do that. Which is good. I like that. I'm happy. I'm happy to. One night, you hear about Joe Diaz what happened. Right.

Yeah, we had a heart attack last night. You went to eat. Where'd you go? We went for steak sandwiches at a diner. We got the extra order of fucking steak fries. Then we got them because I used to get a milkshake. Yeah. There was a time when I would get the cup.

the bowl of turkey soup. This isn't, this is when I was 20, all. Yeah. I would get the bowl of turkey soup, the open steak sandwich. I mean, is there anything better than that? No. This really nut one, garlic roll or some of garlic bread?

With a little butter on it. Yeah, it's just... Yeah, there's nothing better. And then you get them fucking with the mootero cheese and the fucking gravy. Yeah, and then bring me a soda the whole time you're drinking a Coke. Yeah. Fuck water.

I didn't drink water. until 10 years ago. I swear to God. That's great. I swear to God. I didn't drink this shit till 10 years ago. The one reason I'm alive is I don't drink soda, I think. That's the one reason I'm okay.

So I don't drink so I don't like anything with bubbles. So I don't drink soda. That's my thing. And I don't really eat like, you know, I don't eat shit like chips and candy and garbage. I don't really eat fast food, but I do. But I will eat food. I will eat a bowl of pasta. I will eat a dessert.

I will eat something I shouldn't eat. I don't eat like chips and snacks. There's no snacks. There's no, none of that shit. There's no salty, snacky bullshit. But if I go out,

you know, I love bread. I love seafood, but there's something about seafood and bread. When you go to restaurant, they put the shrimp cocktail on the table, and they put the crab cocktail on the table, and a nice warm loaf of bread.

I feel like a fucking guy that just got off a boat. And I'm just eating the bread and eating the, I don't know what it is, but there's something about that combination. It's great. And then, you know, then you're like,

oh, fuck. You know, this is why I like, wait, watch is also, I was watching Tom Pop on Conan. Yeah. About 14, 16 months ago. Yeah. And he just got into making bread. Yeah. He makes a lot of bread.

He makes great bread, and he brought a loaf in here one day. And he said something. He goes, you know what, man? I think that at times our country has forgotten that. We're put on this planet to have a good time. Right. you know, it's okay to eat that piece of bread. Right.

When I go to Dan Tanners or whatever, you know I'm eating a piece of bread. Right. I just prepare for it. Prepare. I can make sure I go to kickbox in that morning. Right. I do something to earn it. Yeah, it makes sense.

And you feel better about it. You feel better about it. Nobody's telling you not to live. That's the other thing that I don't like. Like that I don't like any. Well, I'm going to be a juicer. What are you going to do when you're in Syracuse, New York? Yeah, you're not juicing.

What are you doing when you're a fucking? And tell me where they don't have juice. Right. Explain to these people. None of that. I did a couple I live with when I first got into comedy, which started juicing. And they used to do meth.

And then they started juicing. And they did it the same way. They did it. I said, can you go back to meth? Because this is disgusting. They drink warm, disgusting, foamy juices. I still want you to live. Right.

You know, what's my birthday in two weeks? You don't think I'm getting a Carvel cake from Ralph? It's the best. Is that what you're trying to tell me? We got fudging a well. This motherfucker. You don't think I'm going to get a car. We got Fudge the Whale

and meet him and his brother ate a whole Fudgy to Whale once. You don't think I'm gonna fucking get a Carvel cake from a house to celebrate? It's the best. I'm dead. It's the best. I drop it into fours. Yeah, yeah. And I eat one piece.

It's like 12 points. Yeah. Wait a minute. Carvel cakes, 12 points? For a little tiny slice. I was about to say, we're going to get one in the car or the way off.

We're going to eat in the car. You're not going to put it. Fudgy the whale. How many points is that bastard? Oh, that motherfuckero set you off. Let me tell you. I was in Brooklyn I was in Brooklyn last year

I'll even show you Yeah This is just I was in Brooklyn last year Shooting the soprano movie Yeah And I mean They told us that we were gonna be

In this one area for a week And we're driving You know everybody's driving And looking at going Oh look at the Varyngzano bridge Everybody's looking at it You know like I said Yeah yeah tourists

Some people go to New York Yeah tourist To look at some shit Yeah Others of us go to New York. Right. Make a memory.

What the fuck are we talking about here? Fudgy the whale. Look what I took a picture of. Look at this motherfucking place. Yeah. There it is. The oldest Carvels in Brookside Avenue and Queens or some shit. Beautiful.

Look at that place. Beautiful. I'm trying to explain to him. It's the best ice cream. People don't understand. It's the best. The soft serve is the best. Look at this.

Look at the flying sauces. There's one Carvel in L.A. It's in Santa Monica. Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah. I won there one time, so they charged me $450 for the cone. Yeah. And I almost smacked the fuck out of the motherfucker. I will smack you 18 times in the mouth.

Look at this one I found. So this one was right around the corner. Yeah, I love what you're doing this. Yeah, you're doing this. That one was right around the corner from my trailer. Oh, wow. Do you understand that one day I sat there waiting to shoot? I'm there for like three hours like Joe Bumpy in my trailer.

Yeah. Watching narcos. I go, you know what? It's time to smoke a joint. It was like 4.30 to the afternoon. They came in and they're like, you know, I shoot until like 8 o'clock. Yeah. I look at the fucking joint.

I swear to God, guys. I walk out of my trailer. I look. I see the Soprano's makeup trail on this shit. And there's a busy street. There's like one street you have to cross. And then like 50 steps and you're on the main street. I swear to God, guys.

It's New York. city, I don't give a fuck. It's Brooklyn. It's 4.30 in the afternoon. I sparked this joint. I take a head off and I look to the corner. And it's like God said, I got a present for you. There was

a Carvel on the corner. That one, the second one, not the old one from 1940. Yeah. The new one. I was like, Jesus Lord, help me. I smoked that joint like a little fucking kid that they, they felt like I was just let out of prison.

Yeah. I just smoked his joint. I threw it on the floor. I had my soprano suit on. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I walked down Brookdale, fucking Avenue. You're ready. And I walked in there.

I saw the fucking, uh, the flying sauces. Yeah. I got the flying sauces. And the lady says to me, hi, can I help you? She was Chinese. The whole family were Chinese. That a lot, they buy the Carvelas are Chinese.

They buy the Carvelas. No, two daughters are working. Yeah, it's a very good culture. The girl goes, what, uh, what are you looking for? I go, I want a chocolate milkshakes. Nice. He goes, what size? I go, come on, give me the.

And before I said that, I go, hold down one second. And I pressed in, fucking, it won't come in here because the computer's not working. The internet will never work in here. But I pressed in fucking, let's see if I'll get it. I won't get it. I just pulled it up, actually. Carvel. I always do a vanilla milkshake with chocolates here, have been crunchies,

swirled through it. Oh, my God. And I tell her, I go, swirl the crunchies through it. It's phenomenal. Oh, my God. This bastard didn't like it. I looked at that when I told her, give me the large. Before I said large, I looked down, I think it was 34 points.

Yeah, I think chocolate shake is 33 points. So that's your day. I remember I said, give me a medium. Yeah. It gave me a medium, and I didn't want to swell up for the camera and nothing. Yeah, of course. It's 25. I basically took it outside and did this.

And I just drew it in the garbage. Yeah, I've done that. I've done that in there. I've done that in there. We're like, I've taken a cone, bought it, done like three or four big, big bite to the cone and thrown it out because I also had a milkshake. And I wanted ball. Who the fuck?

I used to get the double cone. Yes. And the chocolate shake. Yes, I would too. And then like a real fucking fat pig. Yes. I would dump the cone into the milkshake. Let me tell you.

That's when you're a fat, disgusting fat body. Yeah. I walked out one day. I had one day I walked out of Carvel. I had because it was Sunday day. And they go, if you buy a thing, you get a free sentence. I'm like, okay. And I walk out with one cone and one Sunday, and I'm dunking the cone in the Sunday and eating it.

And my friend who's outside rolls the window down and he goes, this is bad. And we both started laughing. We looked at each other. We both started laughing so hard. I started laughing so hard I was crying. You know you're a fat fuck. Yeah. when you get Sunday and they don't have your fucking team helmet and you don't give a fuck.

Right, right. Give me the St. Louis. Give me the Cardinals. Yeah, nobody cares. Give me the fucking Toronto. Give me anything. I'll root for the Tampa Bay Race. I don't give me the fucking.

You don't have the Yankees or the Mets. What type of place is this? Yeah. What do you have? We have like. But that's it grew up. I grew up like, you know, my parents were like boomers and we were fast food generation of kids. So like we grew up on, you know, I remember.

Well, I used to be a swimmer when I was a kid. I was like an athlete from when I was like six years old to like 11 or 12. Every morning, you know, on the weekend, we had long course in Freeport, Long Island. My father got me out of bed because my mother was a swim coach. You drive me to the, and it was an Olympic-sized pool, and it was freezing. And they threw you in the pool and you swam your ass off for an hour. And an hour and a half practice, swam your ass off. And these coaches would scream at your head down.

Go, go, go, go. And then after that, we'd go to McDonald's for breakfast. And this is the mistake, you know, my parents made, you know, after that I'd go to McDonald's for breakfast. I would get a bacon, egg, and cheese biscuit and hot cakes. And I would eat both of those things. And I remembered, and you felt good because you just swam your ass off. And the reward was you had that flaky bacon, egg, and cheese biscuit and the hot cakes. And McDonald's has the best pancakes for fast food.

Pancakes. Nobody, you know. And then that was like, that was the reward. I remember after I swam a mile when I was six years old in the bay. And this was like a big thing in my town. They had races every summer. And I swam a mile. After that, my mother took me and four other kids.

They were all older, but they'd swam it too. We went to this ice cream parlor in Valley Stream called Ickins. And they had the socket to me Sunday. It was just 14 scoops of ice cream with every fucking thing they had in the place. And they just threw it all in a fucking ball. and they just they slid it on a table and me and these four other kids just went. That's how we grew up going,

you did something good, here's food. Here's food. Here's a bowl of ice cream. Here's pancakes. My grandmother was an Irish woman who learned how to make meatballs in Brooklyn from an Italian lady. So my grandmother made the best meatballs in the world.

And it was one of those things. When she had a pot of meatballs, the family liked each other. And I'm from an Irish Catholic family of alcoholics, you know. So, but when there were meatballs on the stove, everybody was like, let's put it to bed for today. We can fight tomorrow. We can fight about whose fault it is. We don't have the mortgage tomorrow.

Today we got meatball. So food to me was always like, and then my uncle was a director of operations for a big steakhouse group in New York City, Smith and Wollinski's, all these big steakhouses. So when I was a little kid, you know, we weren't, we were lower middle, But we got to go to these really nice New York City restaurants and eat the shrimp cocktail and the ribbyes and like you got to see all this real good food and then so to me going out to dinner became like the fucking luxury item because that's when you're poor your luxury items a nice meal. I can't buy a mazorati. I can't go out and get a house in Malibu, but I can go get a nice dinner. So the whole thing, you know, integrated into your life is like a thing, you know,

and it's it has psychological components too, you know, the whole thing. It's very weird what we do. Tim Dillon, listen, man, it's been a real pleasure. Thank you. I've been watching you. I'm going to go. I went to Gotham a couple years ago and I heard your name. And then I remember, I think Stanhope retweeted something.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. me laugh. Yeah. And then I heard you were moving out here and you've done everything perfectly. Well, I appreciate that. You're on the conveyor belt. I don't have to tell you. I appreciate that.

It's a matter of whenever the fuck you're ready to blow the fuck up. I appreciate it. Thank you. You made me laugh my ass off today. Yeah. I've never seen nobody else get as excited as Carvel. I think you and I are the only ones to take pictures. We're the only one to take pictures of them and tweet them out.

Like, I'll fucking take pictures of them, dog. You have no idea. Don't fuck with my Carvel. I'm by the book. Like my wife always said, oh, yeah, we're going to buy this cake from Bortos. Yeah. That's fine.

Right. That's fine. That's great. But we're still getting a Carvel cake. We're getting ice cream. There's nothing better after a party than a Carville ice cream cake. Nothing. Nothing.

There's nothing, you know, that's, I went to the, I was very excited. Again, I'm a fat fuck. Yeah. I was here when there was a Sabret truck in front of SAG. Oh, wow. I was her only car. customer. She'd be out there smoking Marlboro Red.

None of these other pricks eat hot dogs. Yeah, that's funny. But I would spend $35. The hot dogs are $450 apiece. Right. Because you've got to ship them out here. Yeah, it's a whole thing. So I still remember going and eating sad bread dogs, you know, and I still remember them going, there's a rumor in L.A. what? Carvel's coming to town. And I remember getting my car and driving all the way to the Century City.

What is it called Avenue of the Americas? Yeah. It's on Santa Monica, but it's right there. I remember pulling in there happy as a pig and shit and walking in there and getting up another cone just to try it. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? I'm not going to go on and then go all out.

Right. And then realize this guy's a fucking shamook. Right, right. And then I realized he was a schmook. Yeah. I realized the cones were $4.50. Yeah. And it was an investment.

He didn't really love Carvel. No. So there's an Indian lady in there now. She's a little better. In Santa Monica? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. either. They don't love yogurt paste. They don't love Carvel. No, they eat goat hooves and they take puree. No, they don't love it. There's a dairy queen up here in the valley. You need a fat guy from Long Island who coaches and baseball team 100%.

That's he? I don't care if he's a pedophile. He's on the list. Doesn't matter. He's got to love Carvel. He makes the cake the right way. If he's sexual assailant, but he's keeping his powder dry, I'll take my daughter in there. I'm all right. I'll take my daughter in there. I'd rather have him

working. Right. Yeah, Arab dude that don't even know what he's doing. Yeah, they don't even mean ice cream. Why are you fucking making me a locks? Come on. Right, right. You're an Arab.

You hate Jews. Right. Are you making fucking locks in New York? And what Jew would eat it from you? I'm Cuban. And I wouldn't buy a locks from you. You're so fucking Arab. It's so fucking.

Not like I got nothing against you. But you shouldn't be fucking making locks. Yeah. You know you're at all with those people. Why are you fucking? What are you doing? When I first moved to the valley, my wife and I didn't have a child

and Friday nights was date night and we go out and lurking to the valley and one night I'm no fucking internet my wife found the dairy queen we didn't know that there was one in Burbank there is? Yeah in the mall but there's one you gotta drive like a fucking 45 minutes up there

and I remember going up there and they were foreigners and I remember I got very insulted because I knew it was an investment it wasn't something that they grew up saying and I want to buy a Carvel. Right. Like, I want to buy a Carvel. I'd be, too.

I know I would be broke. Yeah. And I'd be a, I'd be. You know, I would die. Bro, I could love, I could tell you, I don't have a crystal ball, but I can tell you what I'd look like if I had a car valve. I had one of those little bicycles. Yeah. Both my legs would be missing.

You'd be on a scooter. And you'd be happy. I'd have a scooter. I'd have a scooter. Yeah, with a tube in my nose. Yeah. Between the reefer and the ice cream. Yeah.

I just fucking kill myself. Put yourself in a coma. Yeah, that's it. I would be, I wouldn't put myself on a, like I would call weight, watch him, but listen, give me a point system

dedicated around three meals around Carvel. Yeah, like three ounces of another ice cream for breakfast. That's great. Fucking syrup, that type of thing. That shit is like you can't, you can have it every now and then,

like, like the few times a year, you know, because that type of points, you can't, you can't just, that can't be regular. Well, didn't Ben and Jerry

die of a heart attack? Like both, maybe not. So like one of the ice cream stores, they died of heart attacks. They, they, they, Ben and Jerry is still alive. Yeah, I think they're still alive. Yeah, they're all going that way. They're all going that way. But I'm going to hit up a meeting with your Monday.

One Monday, let's go. Just for, I want to observe. I'd like to go. To where? To your Weight Watchers meeting. Okay. You got one Monday. It's Monday's at six.

Okay, you let me know. It's very light. Where do you live? I'm a West Hollywood a few blocks from a comedy store. But I would also love for you to do me a favor after I go there, for you to go to, you know, you go in, you type to your zip code. Yeah. And it tells you the closest one.

I want you to hit the 10 o'clock in Hollywood on Saturday. And listen, on Sundays, our process was we go. If we lost weight, me and Rick Ramos, we were partners. Yeah. He was my partner in it. So it's a lot better if you have a friend and you go and you make a deal with them. Right. If we both lost weight, we were allowed to stop.

in and out, right, because we'd get out of a meeting at 11, there's nobody in and out. Right. Right there in Hollywood, right there by the show. Hollywood Shoe Outlet. Yeah. So, we would go then, get a single, you're allowed to get a single cheeseburger with half order of fries and a Diet Coke at 15 points. So we would split a fucking order of fries, get a one patty cheeseburger, and split a Dieter, and each get a Diet Coke. Right.

that was our reward reward yeah so it was always a reward even if we lost a pound we wanted to end and out fuck it we put it down our points but it was since you talked to me I want to talk to you about it but hey

where can they find you brother Tim J Dylan D-I-L-O-N on Instagram same handle on Twitter Tim Dylancomcom is on my live dates or we're announcing a tour you know I think this week coming up like a 35 city tour.

Very busy this 2020. I'll be all over the place. We'll come back and promote the tour. Yeah, Tim Dillon Show is my podcast on Apple and YouTube and everywhere. How many podcasts do you do a week? I do one from Patreon and then I do one for, you know, it goes out every Sunday for everybody. And then do you still do the crazy videos? Oh, yeah.

We do them all the time. We got one coming out really soon. Yeah, which should be really fun. And yeah, we do and we do like one a week. We're trying to do one a week. Sometimes they pop big. sometimes it's just to get a cult following but we see what happens

I appreciate you taking the time I appreciate you taking the time brother thank you so much you're doing it right you andrew Schultz there's a bunch of you handful of you motherfuckers that I'm looking at you and I'm wishing you nothing but success but I don't have to wish you

well I appreciate that I appreciate that I appreciate that I appreciate well it's because you guys did that and paved the way for fucking guys I got so I appreciate I didn't pay the way for that guy listen we're all criminals It's comedy. We're all criminals. Yeah.

I just kept getting on stage. Well, I appreciate it. I just kept getting on state. Yeah, it's the way it is. You know, everybody's got a success story. Everybody's trying to buy YouTube friends. Yeah. Get on stage.

I just wanted to make enough money to open up a mortgage brokerage. No, no, no. Me and you're going to open up a car bell right there. We're going to go back to the Island City. Open up a combination. Carvel, weed shop, suicide. Fucking night. So you can come here.

We won't even judge it. Fudgy the well. Fudgy the gun. Nothing. You're not even a... Not even a blow job feels as good to you as a Carvel shape. Nothing better than a Carvels shake. We got a moose next door for the small 35.

I appreciate it. We'll just drop you off at the fucking Long Island Express Parkway up there by that Ice Lip fucking airport. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. McArthur, nobody goes to that yet. Nobody knows about IceLip Airport in Long Island. Southwest will fly in. Yeah, there's one flight there.

It goes every day to Disney World. Takes a much of Fat Long Island and Fucks at Disney World. That's the whole reason the airport's open. All right. Thank you so much, Joey. Thank you very much. Listen, I want to tell you, don't forget, Tempe, this weekend, all that's available is Thursday night.

You fucked up Thursday night now, 10 o'clock, that's all you got. And then the, I'm at Treasure Island, the 27th of February with my man Dean Del Rizzi. But listen, time waits for no man. Now, we're not getting any younger. Even the Mona Lisa is starting to get all fucked up. So do me a favor. There's one part of aging. You don't have to deal with anymore.

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See you guys Wednesday or Thursday. The rest of you motherfuckers, I'll see you Thursday at the improv in Tempe. Stay black. I love you. And have a great day. Thank you, Tim Dillon. Thank you. Thank you, Christkiller. Uncle Joey slashing out of this motherfucker. I got to take two steps to the rear and get out of here. Later. Thank you. Thank you.