The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #761 - Cory n Chad The Smash Brothers

Episode Date: February 18, 2020

Cory n Chad, are identical twin brothers and stand up comedians known as The Smash Brothers. They have made appearances on Showtime and Fox. Today they join Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt LIVE in studio to celebrate Ralphie May's birthday. This podcast is brought to you by: ZipRecruiter - post your job to 200+ job sites with a single click for free at www.ziprecruiter.com/church   CBD Lion - For all of your CBD needs, from shatter to gummies, go to www.CBDLion.com and use code CHURCH for 20% off.   

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today on the church is my main man, Corey and Chad, the fucking crash brothers. Why are they here honoring our brothers, fallen brothers' birthday? How old would have been? Ralph, it would have been 48.

40 fucking 8 today. Yep. That's a big 48, huh? Yeah, that's a big 40. 40. 408 or 480? That's what I was going to do with his thing. I think he was 480 when he checked out.

It's good to see you guys. Good to see you. Checking with you. Thank you for always checking in with me. Thank you for letting me know what you're doing. Oh, yeah. We like checking in with you from the road. It's always fun to get inspirational quotes from Coco when we're out on the road. Oh, you have to. It's funny how years ago I went on my, I went on Ari's show and I told the story that really taught me who I was.

It was about my mother, her dying, and she had a friend, and the friend made a promise. I thought the thing, and she stuck to it. And, you know, there were 200 people in my mom's wake. He said, if you haven't needed anything, call. And they changed the number, but this person and you, and it really taught me when somebody has a friend, they're even your friend after death. And in this case, with all the money Ralphie gave away

and all the bullshit friends he had, at least there were you two guys that, I don't know who raised you this way, but they did a good job because you've still owned up to his little legacy. see little quotes from time to time. We miss you and shit like that. We just want to, you know, keep Ralphie's name out there. He was a good man to us

and somebody that was inspirational to us that did things for us that not many people really did stepped up. And I'm not just talking comedy as a man as a friend. And we spent many hours on that bus just talking heart to heart and laughing and talking shit. And he just means a lot.

You know, it's his birthday today. February 17th. He would have been 48. And fuck. Who knows? what he'd be talking about in his comedy right now with all this censorship and all this people with salty pussies all, you know. No, imagine what he'd be eating right now? Hotel bar.

Yeah. Because he used to fuck up a hotel bar. Oh, yeah, we know. I told you Caroline's one time. I got there at two. He checked in at 12. He was on his second bar. He called room service.

We mean, many bar, not like downstairs. He ate the whole fucking mini things. We've seen, yeah. M&Ms, Kit Katz, Peanut Brittle, whatever the, fuck was in there cheese crackers. He called for another basket. He's like, I'm done. My friends were here. Nobody was here.

You're by yourself. You fucking cock-sucker. We loved it when we were on the road with him and he'd get those sweets, but he'd rather stay on the bus sometimes. And we'd take over his suite and we'd order room service and put on a robe and answer the door and pretend we were Ralphie and sign his name. Sign his name and order all kinds of shit.

Get naked in his jacuzzi and send him pictures of us naked in his fucking jacuzzi. Just talking shit to him. Tell him to get off his fucking bus. Get his lazy ass in here and let's party. Because, you know, the last couple years, he'd hibernate on that bus. He loved that bus. Just stay on that bus. You miss them, guys.

Yeah. Yeah. Sometimes we'll hear certain songs and different things, and it makes us laugh. Or whenever we're listening to Pandora or Sirius and we hear Ralphie's bits come on, it always makes us laugh. We always turn down and tell everyone to shut the fuck up in the car so we could listen to his bit, you know, and just to hear his voice. It's crazy how. Just me being me. I haven't accepted his death yet.

To me, he's still on the road. When it hits me, you guys will know, and I'll be on the phone with you guys a lot. Sometimes it's weird. I fucking scroll or I open up the phone to call somebody and it opens up to Ralphie. Us too. And my fucking heart stops,

especially if it happens on a Saturday morning. Because that's when you guys would talk. Takes with a wind out of me, you know. And it's really weird the process of grieving. Like, it doesn't mean. matter whether it's Ralphie or anybody else. The process of grieving is such a slow one, you know?

And I got to tell you, there's a few people who still talk to me about Ralphie. It's you guys and George. We had a rug in the car with George and we're driving around New York. He'll pop out. One time Ralphie took me in there and we ate 22 pounds of lobster tail.

Yeah, I believe it. And it's weird how you see people that I know for a fact profited from Ralphie out here and I'll see them waiting for them to say something to me about Ralphie and they won't mention it. It's like Ralph he was just a person who went through their life. Not to us. Yeah. To us he meant something a lot more. It's so weird how listen let's face it. I'm going to be this last week I was in Tempe. I want to thank the

Tempe Improv for having me, the Sold Out shows and Chelsea Skidmore opened for me and she did a great job. Yeah, she's great. You know, I need a girl in front of me because so many fucking couples come. Sure. So many women buy tickets for their boyfriends. They don't want to see me. They're like just want to appease the boyfriend and now they've got to hear all this shit.

Yeah. So I try to, I always do better with a girl. Whenever I have a woman in front of me, the fucking crowd goes crazy. We feel the same way. It's really weird. It's a weird combination to have. But it was great.

But I thought about how this week was my birthday. But guess what? Like when my mother died, and my birthday changed. Your birthday has an asterisk to us now. Like Christmas and Thanksgiving and all the holidays. Now it has another asteris. And it's Ralphie.

Like, just as I was getting excited about it being my birthday, I also dreaded Monday because it was his birthday and now I was going to feel, you know? So I'm happy that you guys could just drive up and just fucking bullshit tell some stories. Oh, yeah. I laugh and have a good time. told me when he fell asleep at the restaurant

and then he woke up in his food cold and he ordered more food. Yeah fucking Tony Roma's before a show he fell asleep and tucked his napkin in that's the best part for the visual. He tucked his napkin in his fucking shirt. He slept for 30 fucking minutes. And the napkin looked like a baby napkin.

No matter how big the napkin was. It always was like it was like a baby napkin like on his fucking like a bar napkin because he was that big. Yeah. Fucking snoring at the table. Head snaps back. He wakes up. He's like, why is this big? bitch keep bringing me cold ribs.

I go, what the fuck are you talking about? They've been sitting there for 30 minutes. You let me sleep here like an asshole for 30 minutes. I go, yeah. We ate your cheddar biscuits too, cock sucker. Wake up. Wake the fuck up. Who the fuck sleeps at Tony Romas or wherever the red lobster or wherever the fuck we were?

I don't even know. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I still go back to that night with, you know, it's weird how he's been gone for two years now. or away or whatever the fuck I call. He's in college. Yeah. And now, sometimes you go to a comedy club

and a club owner will mention him. Yeah. And tell me a story, whether it's a positive or a negative story. Sure, right. And then you ever watch the sopranos and he gets flashbacks? Yeah.

Sometimes he gets flashbacks and he puts back, like there's an episode with Pussy where he starts getting flashbacks, and he puts together how Pussy actually became a snitch. Like now I go flashbacks of conversations we had And now I see why we had that conversation Yeah Now I see why he said those words to me

Now I go back and go, oh shit That's what he was talking about, you know And I'm putting these pieces together And it's so weird how I always enjoyed the broke Ralphie At the end of the day Broke Ralphie Was 20 times happier

is a rich Ralphie. Agreed. It's fucking so sad to, you know, to tell people that all your life, you work, you know, you strive to be this rich person. Like everybody wants a boat and bitches and, you know,

rims and to get your dick sucked. But if you knew him, like for me, he was happier when he was in that fucking apartment, headlining, killing rooms. Killing. killing rooms and people were not expecting it selling merch early on, you know, way before last comics thing.

Yeah, you know. And I still remember Jay Moore coming into his life and Jay being positive for all the things Jay is. Jay's a good guy. Yeah. He's good to him, made him associate producer of a show. Jay was hot. Yeah.

Jay was hot. Yeah. And Jay fucking pulled Ralphie up, you know. And then he created last comic with the black guy Walter. Yeah. Where the fuck is Walt back? Who knows? I think he's working at AMPM.

I don't know. Yeah. Last time I saw, man, I created that motherfucker fucking show and shit with Jeff, with what's his name, Ralphie in the room. Yep.

Yeah, that show did a lot for Ralph. And yeah, broke Ralph, more money, more problems. He would say, too, when he was collecting these checks, he's all,

boys, enjoy these times. You're making good money, but more money comes more problems and staying on the road. When you're out like he was, staying on the road, all kinds of problems happen at home. You know, when you're not there to check in with your family and life and calling in. That's before FaceTime and shit, you know.

He wasn't FaceTiming anybody. He was just calling in whenever he woke up. You know, and that was the one thing I took away from his comedy career. Listen, I studied Mitch. I studied Stanhope. Yeah. I studied Bobby Slayton. I studied Wendy Liebman.

when you're a comic, you look at these headlines when you're a feature and you study them and you get to the point of what makes them special and you try to emulate it and see if it works for you. For me, it was like Richard Jenny and seeing Paul Mooney for a while there, Rogan was fucking on fire 20 years ago. I mean, his material was so out there.

There was so many people that I learned from. Ralphie was one of those guys. I learned more of life offstage. Right. How I should live my life off stage. You know, I always crack jokes. I still remember rogue and calling me and going, hey, I'm going to the gym.

We're on the road. I'm calling you like at 10 in the morning. Hey, I'm going to the gym. I'm like, we're on the road. Yeah, yeah. Like, what fucking gym are you talking about? Like, after a few days going down there with him, and he's fucking doing cleans and shit.

I'm like, I ride the bike. for like 10 minutes. That's all you got me for us. Yeah. You know, and now I see the importance of working out. Saturday I didn't want to work out. I fucking went down to the hotel lobby. I did 30 minutes on the elliptical, and I threw some weights around.

And, you know, from Ralphie, I learned more the path of not to take off the fucking road. Like, you know, that was the thing. Ralphie was so old school that he knew what I knew, that I just realized this year. these agents and all these people, once they get their hooks on you for the road, that's all they're going to use you for. Yeah. There's no films.

There's no TV projects anymore. And you talk to them 80 times. They'll meet with you once a month, and they'll bring all the assistants and all the agents, but they're making the bigger commission off you than what you would be on making on TV. Yep. Why are we having this conversation?

So would you. What would you rather make $500 or $5,000? Right, yep. So, you know, from your world, you're like, man, I wanted to do more. You know, for a while there, Ralphie did want TV. Yeah, he did. And they were saying, no, you're too fat, which he fucking was. You know, they weren't lying to him.

He didn't see it, you know, but he decided to become a road comic and not just a road comic. One of the best guys working. I mean, he put the bus, the Elvis belt, the fucking orange jacket, you know. Yeah. But I didn't learn. I learned a little from that. It was more of how to act off the fucking stage. Sure.

And the one thing I picked up from day one of his marriage, that I never like, listen, as a feature act, I never liked working a fucking Sunday. Waking up in Dallas. I'm not saying there's nothing wrong with Dallas. I'm just using it as a word happened to me. It was Dallas.

Right. Where I broke up, I got beat up all week by Rocky the Port for saying, curses or improvising or whatever. I'm like, what the fuck am I doing in this room? Right. It's 10 in the morning. I got to sit here all fucking day

for a 7 o'clock fucking show that nobody's going to be at. It's fucking football season. Yeah, Sundays are the worst. Yeah, and it's a free room. It's a bunch of old people with white hair that come to the 7 o'clock show. Yeah.

You know, and I'm like, I'm done, you know. And I remember just having a relationship with my girlfriend at the time and going, I got to be home for Sunday dinner. Just because we don't have kids, doesn't mean when I'm involved in something. Yeah, for sure. This is the same.

Important to go back and, that's where Ralphie didn't come home. He'd fucking stay on that bus. Monday night shows Tuesday night, funny bones. And even if he didn't pick up work, that's when he'd regenerate and sleep like a fucking grizzly bear for 18-9. Listen, let me tell you something. If I didn't have a child and my wife worked,

I would disappear for three weeks. It doesn't make sense to come back. Right. It really doesn't. Sometimes it really doesn't. Yeah. It's a three-week run, you know? You're going to go to Buffalo?

What are you going to go all the way back here for three days and go all the way back? If I didn't have a kid and was married, like if we had a girlfriend, boy, are you fucking kidding me? Yeah. I would either take it with me or just say, I'm leaving for three weeks. Fucking do Buffalo, Sunday, stay, spend the night in Buffalo, eat some wings, you know, really. Relax in your hotel room. Monday morning, shoot to Newark. Yep.

Spend the three days in a hotel in Newark. Whatever, go to... I don't give a fuck sleep. Yeah. And then Thursday, go to New York, pay the fucking... 500 a night for the hotel. Two blocks from Gotham. Yeah, work.

Do your two shows. Do Sunday, because you're going to be on the road anyway. Yeah, you might as well do... You might as well work Sunday. That's what I'm saying. Yeah. You know, you get more fucking bang for your dollar. And you might as well do a Thursday show. Maybe just one show at Wednesday.

Right. Maybe one show up in Nyack on Wednesday and then Thursday you go to D.C. Right. You know, that's a smart move on the train. That's a smart move for anybody. Sure. I can't do that move. People don't understand that.

You just can't. You can't. It's not, it's worth for me to come home and do the podcast and lift some fucking weights and go to boxing and go to the comedy store on Tuesday and work on the material. You know, for me, that's what works. Right. But for Ralphie, he was doing these. I still remember him like, I'm leaving it now. Where are you going?

I got to go to Arizona to do press for next week. And I didn't know what the fuck was going on. I'm like, something's got to be going on because who gives a fuck about next week? It's next week. But there wasn't no Twitter that. Right. There wasn't no Facebook to let people know. And really podcasting wasn't his thing, you know, until he was a great guest.

He didn't want to do a podcast. No. He tried his shit for a while. And yeah, he's a better guest than he was running. He wouldn't do it every week. You know what I mean? He wouldn't follow through with that shit. So the last couple weeks, I guess you and I, all three of us have been the object of just like, you know, we're getting treated like three guys that watch the documentary.

Right. To learn about Ralphie Mae. Like, right now for people who don't know, I think it was. last Saturday, I woke up to an email from a writer. Nice guy, you know, nothing. He's just doing his job. He's trying to put an article together for his ex-wife. And, you know, I think with you, he twisted your words around.

Yeah. With me, I told him facts, you know, that things that I had seen over the years, you know, like I said, I'd been there when Lana had a day job. Right. And she drove a Camry. You know, I've been there. since day one. Right.

And now, in hindsight, you look at bits and pieces and go, oh, I caught this, I caught that. I still remember one. And I never told anybody that she was, you know, when people get married to be.

Oh, like a gold digger? Gold digger, that was a lie. You know, she was there when there was no money. Yeah. So I give a lot on all those credits, but I have a couple disagreements with what happened,

how things were handled after his daughter. death and two years prior to his death. Right. And all three of us know here as men that Ralphie was no saint. Ralphie had demons that were coming back to haunt them, but they were all awoken by this horrible relationship. He had found himself in one day.

He was trapped. If you looked back at what I saw, what I see. Yeah. And you guys, before the podcast started, told the story where you heard her, you know, on the phone saying kill yourself. Yeah. And he was crying and the whole thing. I mean, we're meant. Let's talk about it.

Yeah. Just let people know. It wasn't, you know, Ralphie's relationship at the end of the past couple years, it wasn't happy, go lucky. They were going through a divorce for years, years. And it was back and forth. And Ralphie was a mess, emotionally, physically, you know, he was losing weight. But at the same time, he was gaining weight, drinking a 12 pack of Coca-Cola's, you know, I think a lot of people think, oh, Ralphie's a big guy.

He always must eat a lot. That's not the case. He would just drink Cokes and he would eat late night and he wouldn't do anything. And he was lethargic and that's why he gained weight. And the whole thing with Lana and, you know, she's out there talking disparaging shit on the three of us, you know. And the whole thing is, is she's not innocent in this whole situation. She would say horrible things to Ralphie, horrible, horrible things to Ralphie. and Ralphie said horrible things to her.

That's why we tried to separate ourselves on tour during the divorce because we were caught in the middle and things were getting wild and Ralphie needed time away from the road. And nobody, his management, nobody was backing up. Ralphie coming off the road, you know, there's probably a lot of overhead and he had to go out and get it. But, you know, whatever she's saying on these podcasts isn't really, you know, we didn't enable Ralphie to do anything.

You know, Ralphie did whatever the fuck he wanted to do on the road. People don't understand that. Yeah. Ralphie was, you know, just, I had a thousand conversations about them switching a schedule. Yep. I still remember one specific conversation where it was like one of those, it's time for you to do this. Yeah. It's time for me to go out there with you.

Maybe help you walk, whatever. Yeah. Let's do a Gabriel, Galatius type thing. and four openers. Yeah. Two of them to take care of you. He flatly turned me down. You know, because he didn't want me to see that other side of the road.

He was doing the same way. I didn't want you to see what I was doing prior to 2007, which was going on the road to do cocaine. I think about if I was doing cocaine now, I'd be on the road every weekend. Sure. Because I'd come home, get it together for four days, do the podcast. And Thursday night, I'd fly into a town, and it better be there at midnight.

so I could sleep it off all day Friday and do the show Saturday and it better be there Saturday so I could sleep it off and do the one show on Sunday I mean that would be there and I wouldn't come home either you know this was all

we all saw this Southern kid with manners just become a star overnight and then we saw him even climb higher fucking

golds and then something happened. Like one day just something switched, you know. And it was sad. You know, I heard little things here and there. For anybody who believes this, whether you believe this or not, we never really had a conversation about pills. Right. As much of a junkie as I am,

I didn't have the heart to confront them because I knew that I would lose him. He wasn't a confronting type. He even got his feelings hurt one time when I had a conversation with Lana after they were separated. I just tried to have a conversation with her. I got back to him and he was mad at me like for four or five months. He didn't speak to me. That's how sensitive of a guy.

He felt betrayed because you talked to her? Right. Something that happened. I said something to Lana or something. And, you know, after Ralphie's death, the month or two before, three, maybe four months before Ralphie's death, I found out from different sources to things that were going on during this divorce, you know, accusations, you know.

Have you been accused of something you haven't done? Not a nice feeling. No, it's not about it. And listen, I've been accused of things I haven't done, but I was the one that put myself there. I was a thief, and that's, it's not nice when you get accused of something you haven't done. Right, right.

I'm not getting accused in 1995 of sexual harassment or grabbing some girl's ass. I'm like, if you know anything, about me. Yeah. You know, she said grab a pussy, then believe her. Yeah. I can care less about, I've never been a smack of an ass. Right. Right. Like that. Yeah. So if I'm going to grab some, I'm going to grab your pussy and do two years. Exactly. Make it work. I'm going to grab it and grab it hard to fuck your clit up. You're going to have clit damage. Yeah. Assault too. Exactly. You know. Yeah. So it's always horrible to get accused of things. And I, I saw that. He was,

And now I know there was a situation where he couldn't see his kids without a... Yeah, a supervised visit. A supervised visit. Yeah. He didn't see his kids the last couple years he was alive. No, and it's weird that as a man, I could tell you something now that, you know, I lost my original daughter. I have a 30-year-old daughter. We don't talk.

And I could sit here and tell you all the pros and cons and tell you how the wife... But I'm going to tell you something, looking back at who the person I was then in 19... 1994 when I was going through all that, I wouldn't have given permission to my wife to see, let me see the kid. Right. I was a different human being. Not that I would harm the child, but kidnapped the child or anything like that. But I was a type of person that if the drug dealer told me at four, I had to meet him now because he couldn't meet me at eight. And I got my kid.

I'm going to meet the drug dealer. Sure. I'm big enough of a man now to tell you these things. Right. I was that crazy back then. Like I think about myself with my daughter now in the car and who I was back then. It's two different stories. Ralphie did have a little bit of a problem.

Yeah. And I would be a little hesitant about letting kids go in his car also. Yeah. I heard some stories that maybe she fabricated them, but I don't think she did on these. Yeah. She told me some. She was on, you know, as far as some of the things she's saying are pretty accurate. And then a lot is just fabricated to make Ralphie look really,

really poor. A lot of people have come to you about this documentary, have come to us, all of us, and we haven't seen it. We're not going to see it. We were on the road during the filming of this. It was never meant to see the light of day. Whatever, at first, it was a weight loss thing. Then she changed it to whatever the fuck she called it now. But Ralphie never wanted that on. He didn't even want that chick on the bus filming us. He didn't want it. He told us, get rid of her. And finally, he sent her home from Boston or wherever city we were in. I We did the Wilbur theater in Boston. And then he sent her home.

And he didn't think that thing would ever come out. You know, and then after he died, all of a sudden, now there's this fucking documentary. But Ralph didn't want it. We were preparing for his Netflix special. That's what we were doing. You know, we were reviewing his jokes every night and getting him ready for his Netflix special. That's what it was for. So whatever it is now, you know, she can say whatever she wants, you know.

Like I said, my brother and I just choose not. to even be involved. You know what I mean? Because Ralphie would be upset with us if we were involved. You know what I mean? And we're going to honor him for the rest of our lives. And he's all we care about. She can say whatever she wants,

but we didn't engage. We didn't give him anything. You know, Ralphie did whatever the fuck he wanted, you know, you know, you know. Yeah,

we, Chad and I had never done pills. So we never had that relationship with Ralphie either. You know, that was something. Yeah, he did that in his privacy of his boss. I was the palm upon it.

Yeah. Like my edibles. Yeah. And before 2007, I did blow. Ralphie didn't do blow. No. And Ralphie wasn't even much of a drinker either. So, you know, it wasn't, I don't like the allegations that we were doing drugs with him.

Yeah. Prior days to his death. The only drugs I did with Ralphie were edibles, Cheeba Chibbichu's. Yeah. And us too. If you want to throw me under the bus for that, be my fucking guest. Us too. He had been smoking reefer way before he ever met Lana.

Yes. He had been smoking reefer. That was his way of dealing with things or whatever. And when they did the autopsy or whatever, there was no drugs in Ralphie's system. So she can say whatever, you know, go on these podcasts. Ralphie wasn't on drugs. He didn't even smoke weed a couple weeks before he died. He wasn't even smoking weed because he didn't feel good.

And so he was staying out in Vegas at a friend's house or whatever. But Ralphie wasn't doing anything the night before, you know, whatever TMZ, that was all bullshit, too. He had bronchitis. Yeah, he had bronchitis. And Ralph wasn't feeling good. And, you know, so whatever it is. but I know that me and my brother did not enable him to do anything. Nobody enables him.

You know, listen, if anybody knows any stand-up comics, stand-up comics wiring, we became stand-up comics because the wiring is not there. Right. Something is short. There's a short somewhere in that fucking circuitry. So one of the shorts is that eight out of ten comics should have is, I don't know how to say this without sounding rude, but it's no respect for authority.

That was what got us into comedy. For sure. That it was that boss that broke our balls. We wanted to be our own boss. We wanted to control our own destiny. So because of that, it's a strength and a weakness that most comedians have. That we're going to do whatever the fuck it is or we're going to do it and we're going to do it, you know. Oh, yeah.

And that's just the way life is. And then we wait for the consequence. In the last two years, we've seen this with comics who have pushed the barriers. Yep. And didn't even know they were pushing the barriers. Some did. Some didn't. And the result has been, you know, whatever you want to call it from society, you know, banishment or a slight punishment or, as I call it, a Louis C.K. timeout.

Right. You know, Louis C.K. is selling out weekends. Right. But there's some people who are at their house going. He's terrible. dick his dick out. Yeah. If he did,

it was fucking 15 years ago. Yeah. All right. We're gonna, it was 93, wasn't it? Yeah, it was something like that.

Who hasn't taken their dick out? Yeah, he wasn't taking their dick out. Yeah, he wasn't taking that dick. So you're still angry at Louis. Meanwhile, the money bone in a row.

Yep. But you people in New York are fucking still pissed at him when he walks into the comedy seller. Yeah. You know, it's just a fucking weird thing. With Ralphie,

though, it was like, with this whole newspaper, thing first of all listen the film obviously whatever people try to talk to me about the film every other day

I get little Facebook messages that they got it and they feel really bad or whatever but the most message I get is that it turns into her like it turns into her which is what she's still doing here I never wanted

anything wrong for a lot I never wanted to wish her any Yeah, I'll see. He was my friend, okay? Before anything, he was my friend. I saw how the last two years of his life were lived. What do you want me to do? Be your friend after I saw this, you know, the rape allegation.

Yeah. Do you know what a rape allegation is, guys? Do you have any idea with a rape allegation is? I mean, we'd never had it against us, but we know what it. Do you have any idea with a rape allegation is? It's bad. Do you have any idea with a rape allegation is? You know how bad kidnapping was?

When I got arrested for kidnapping, dog, they were looking at me like I was a fucking Martian. And I think right next to kidnapping, kidnapping is the cousin to rape. Yeah, right. You know, it's like the cousin, the dirty cousin to rape. They treat you like that. Right.

So until I lost that kidnapping, I could take a breath. Once they started talking about second-degree burglary and accessory to a felony, But I didn't realize how seriously kidnapping was. They take kidnapping fucking serious. And they give you time. And, you know, what happens when you get out of prison is whatever.

But rape, I know this kid, man. I know this kid 22 years. And guess what? I got locked up. And there was rapist in the thing. And they do have a different smell to them. When you're around a rapist, they have a different smell of them. It's funny.

there was a comedian who I looked at years ago and said I could see this guy raping somebody and I just found out two weekends ago that he did try to rape somebody. I never judged him, I never told nobody, he was a rapy motherfucker. Rapey, girt. Yeah.

I find out now, two years later, he did try to rape somebody years ago on a tour, you know, on some fucking tour. And it's not Brad Williams I'm not talking about for you people who think leave poor Brad alone We're working with him next weekend Yeah, believe poor Brad alone

Some chick is drunk He goes and if you're fucking a midget And you don't know it Shame on you Yeah It's like the Dodgers One of the trophy now Go fuck yourself

Yeah They chees on you You're looking around You fell for the old trash man Astros are throwing fucking strikes at you Because you weren't paying attention It's 2020 You don't trust nobody

Yeah I pet a cat I look at his eyes You know what I don't look nowhere No, I'm fucking. Right there. You feed a pigeon. You look, you keep eye on that evil dirty, virus-infected fucking corona pigeon. Yeah.

It's a truth. No, it's a fucking truth. So, you know, shame on fucking you. But that rape allegation, I can't get over that. I'm done. I know. I'm done. I've been there.

Nobody has accused me of rape, God forbid. Yeah. But I've been there when somebody has accused me or something I haven't done. But I know what his, when he told me about. the rape, I saw the pain in his eyes. Oh, it broke his heart. And that's it. For me, that was it. Once he died, I knew I never had to say nothing to her ever again. That mixed in with the child custody, the years-long divorce, going from being on the road to get into residency in Vegas just so he could be in one spot at, you know, so he could.

So he could see his kids. That's why he took the residency at Harris so he could be closer to his kids. He wanted to see him, you know, and he missed. them and we get it i'm not telling you we're not telling you we're not telling you that but what we are saying is he loved him he loved his kids a lot and he loved this kids with all his heart and he just wanted to see him and i understand if she wanted him to have again another situation which one he uses divorce but we both are now which one is the one that had the problem with the custody yeah i did and it was a battle and how did how bad do you feel as a human being and you i just got over it And it happened to me in 1995.

What year is it? Yeah, 20. 25 years of pain. It took me maybe until 2010 to get over the, you walk down the aisle with somebody. You marry him. And all of a sudden, you have a child, two kids. And all of a sudden, one day you decide you don't want to be with that person anymore.

And there's two options. There could be the nice option way. I don't want to be with you either. Let's work. Let's work through it. And then there's the option of going to war with somebody. And unless you've been through it, please don't fucking judge it. Yeah.

Because I treat divorced men differently. I know what they've been. I even ask people, how did you? Oh, yeah, thank God. My ex-wife got a boyfriend. Yeah. I got my girlfriend. We mingle.

We keep the kids, you know. That's always a great thing. When you have an evil divorce, I don't wish to out anybody. That's why I tell people before you get married, think twice during three times. I want you to see her other side. I want you to look at her and what is she, what is she capable of fucking doing?

You know, when you break up with a woman that's got a child, her first defense is you're not going to see your kid. Yeah. Or you left me for a secondary, well, you're not going to see your kid. Right.

That's their number one defense. Sure. I feel bad. There's some women that are not. My percentages may be wrong. My judgment call may be wrong, But for the most part, there's a lot of women that's their first thing to go for. Yeah.

And you know what? That's when it becomes a fucking shame. Yeah. Because you use of a fucking porn here. We have a porn in between us. And the kids suffer. And the kids do suffer because in their little minds, they can't wrap their heads around what's going on. Yeah.

There's no dad's not there. They're not mentally prepared. Yeah. They're not mentally prepared. Yeah. He was a man that loved those kids. but hated the thought of coming home. Yep.

He'd take the ear beatings, you know, and just home life wasn't good for Ralph. He'd rather stay on the road or we'd just stay in Nashville. You know, he had a house in Nashville. We would just stay there and then we'd go back on the road, but he didn't want to come home. When did she file for the, when did he file for the divorce? So she filed first, you know, the first time.

The first time. And then and reconciled. Reconciled. And then he did serve her, you know, before, the 10 year anniversary. They were going to be married for 10 years. He served her and she talked him out of it, whatever. And that was 2015. Yeah. And then, and then he went through a two year divorce. You know, he was living in Vegas. They, they, they, Harrah's leased him a house. He's living in this big seven, six bedroom fucking house by himself. Just sad. And we'd go see him and visit him. But yeah, the last two years of his life, he was going through a hell of a, a fucking divorce. And people don't

really think about that. You know, she's, you know, oh, you know, poor Ralphie or whatever she's doing now, but she put Ralph's life through hell the last two years of his life. You know, you know it. We all talk to him. You talk to him every Saturday. He just, uh, his last couple years of his life, man, was not happy times. I could tell you that. And it was tough for him to perform. He'd be an emotional mess about the whole thing, you know, and it was tough for Ralph to perform. Then he got sick and he couldn't kick that sickness and ended up, you know, passing away that night or whatever. So here we are a couple years later and people are still talking negative about the poor big boy. It's like, hey, let's let's let's let's let's talk

about the good things and let's put a rest to. Let me tell you something. When a club owner or a club manager say something, a story to me about Ralph. they always follow it up with. We really loved them too. Oh, for sure. It was a shame. You know, let's get this straight. Yeah.

There wasn't a club owner who hated that man. Never. That man packed the room. Yep. That man took care of the wait staff. I learned from him out of... He would bring a pound of weed for the waitstaff. Oh, yeah.

And he would tip him $300 each. Like, he would line up the whole fucking staff and he'd give him a couple hundred bucks each at the whole staff. You know, I mean, this was a guy that would give you the shirt off his back. and you know for somebody to write an article about somebody based off a fucking book that his assistant fucking wrote yeah Ralphie did not write that book some fucking shit and now the words of Lana Turner who is an angry woman she got angry I mean things have not worked out in her thing I wrote her an email oh did you yeah I wrote her an email right after Ralphie died and I think

thought about it for three days before I answered it. I wanted to answer it as a Ralphie, as Ralphie's brother would answer it. I didn't want to answer it as Joey Diaz would answer it. Fuck you, you caught. No. I wished to luck. I told if I

was her, that this was not, I told her the truth. This is not your town. If you haven't figured that out on your own, shame on you. Shame on you. Right now in the state of this town, you are, you know, I knew when he died that anybody, any, her blindness is so obvious that anybody would know that the party was over.

Party's over. Let me take this house. Fucking dumped this while the market's still high. Make a future for my children. This is not bad advice. Take that house in Nashville. Put that on the fucking market. Go down the Florida close to your grandparents.

That's exactly what I told. and work the ships with a fucking suitcase of money in your backpack. Never mind Ralphie, don't bring Ralphie up anymore. Go for Lana's identity. You know, look at the club schedules. Before you read this article and make your judgment,

look at any club schedule. I'll send you five dollars if you could find her. She's not doing club. Nobody's aren't except flabbers. Even the Ice House, I've heard through a confidential informant not the ice house, that they weren't going to hire her anymore because she was doing Ralph bashing songs.

Yep. Bothered the management. It bothered the management of the fucking ice house that she was still up there two years later singing a Ralphie bash song, which breaks my fucking art. What are you bashing? You're in a fucking house in the Hollywood Hills. Because of him. Because of him.

You drive a fucking rangerover today because of him. not because on your merit or because you did fucking Big Mike's fucking rooms on Tuesday nights at some fucking bar that's all from his fucking sweat that smelled like Billy goat fucking milk

you ever smell his neck and we think Lee's neck smells We lived with him We smelled all kinds of shit on him Believe me You smell Lee's neck And you'll go this is nothing compared to Ralphies Uh

Come about Lee Irish spring no one of what's them right one down there but you use bug cleaning and watch it I do not use bug cleaner yes you gotta spray

raid on your neck that's his cologne raid yeah right it was a brute Faberjay to mix in with it uh I don't fuck with him

shit no but that's the thing that really like I said I woke up and it's funny because it happened on the Saturday yeah

usually he called me on Saturday I woke up the last Saturday and I fucking and wake up, you know, 8.30, through a fucking email from a writer telling me my fucking business. Yeah.

Like, telling me my business. There's a lot I don't know about. I don't know about Bill Burr's pass. Yeah. I don't know about Sebastian Manascarco's past. Yeah. And I don't know much about fucking Anthony Jesolnik's past. Or Ali Wong's pass.

But if there's somebody I knew for 20 fucking years, it's Ralphie Mae. Yeah. I knew his moods, his, you know, I studied him. Yeah. I studied him. Don't fucking come to me with a Ralphie Mae story.

I'm putting it on the table. He was no angel. Especially towards the last year. But try living without your kids. Try having people accusing you of things. And yes, some of the allegations were true. Yeah, I'm sure. He must have passed out a few times with the kids around.

We agree with that. And we agree with that 100%. But he was not a month that he's being created in this film. No. And I could vouch 150% And for some of you, you know, my word is gold when I come to this. Yeah. He was a man with false.

Guess what? I got false. I did too. He's got false. Chad got caught. This fucking guy here, he's Johnny Faults. You know, we all have false. 100%.

But you have to do it. And he knew them. Ralphie knew he had false. Yeah. Towards the end, he didn't. Yeah. He didn't see him. He didn't see him.

I saw it that night when he fell through the fucking. The dog. The Da House. The Da House that he was, the bags under his eyes had doubled. Yeah. You know, I was hearing conflicting reports from all over the country of him falling asleep

on fucking stage. Yeah, we've seen it firsthand, you know? The Cheebichu's were going strong. Once they sponsored that in like 2015 or 14. Yeah, but me and Lee ate 20 Cheeba Chibbichus, and Lee fell asleep after I left. And I would fall asleep after I ate a garbage can. Sure.

Fill the food, which would be two in the morning. Yeah. I just wouldn't fall asleep here. I think into seven years we did the podcast, I did fall asleep on the podcast one day. Did you? Yeah, but there was more. Yeah, yeah.

I'm sorry, twice. You're right. Steve Simone and what's his name? Thank you for correcting me. Full drawn. One night, it just was, I couldn't do it no more. Yeah. I just said, keep doing what you're doing.

I just put my head back. Sure. And the room was spinning. Right. And then one night, Steve, yeah, we had to re-record the podcast. Fuck. Like, I was snoring and everything.

Like, the whole fucking thing. Yeah. Like, it was just, but yeah, just, please, ladies and gentlemen, I don't know what magazine it is. And like, again, I'm not here to put him down. Yeah. Or to put the writer down.

Or would even put Lana down. We just here to tell you the truth that this kid was Aces. He really was a sister man. We had some good times on his birthday. Yep. One birthday we went to, he came. I was in El Paso. I just wrapped up.

Oh, you did Bart Reeds room over there? Yeah, we did. I did Barts, and he came with Jody Furdig and me and Noi Gonzalez. I don't know who else was there. We went to eat some shitty. Oh, we went to crack a barrel. Oh, okay. Fucking disgusting.

Yeah, yeah. He loved it. Yeah, and Waffle House. He'd fucking get a hard on over a Waffle House at fucking 3.30. Oh, that place is disgusting. Yeah. And I remember another birthday we celebrated in Jersey.

And he came and we gave him tubs a fucking rice pudding. He drove up because at that time, Lana's in-laws lived in Jersey. I'm talking about 2000. Wow. Yeah.

99 maybe, 2001 late. Because Hashways were still open. And he had started a relationship with them on his own. That was a big deli in my hometown. Right. he had so once by the time he hit blast comic standing he was just called up hashways stopping by there and never give him a tray or rice pudding and two containers of whipped cream to go and ralphie would tell me I ate the whole fucking

thing you know he did the whole fuck man bro I can eat one of those trays right now yeah for sure right now I can eat the whole fucking tray yeah but yeah I don't people that are listening I mean we're not trying to bash on Lana I just just know that Ralphie was a good person, a real good man, and a hilarious comedian. And we don't want his legacy to be drug on and through the mud. You know what I mean? Like, we loved Ralph. And he was a really, really good guy, you know.

So any negative shit you hear out there, take it for what it is. But he was a good old boy. That's what he used to say. If Ralphie liked you, he would say, he's a good old boy. And me and my brother still say that to this day. If you're a good person, you were a good old boy. So Ralph was a good man, you know. He loved you guys.

I really appreciate you two guys still holding him like a god. It really means the world to me because it means that, you know, we live in Hollywood, man. And in Hollywood, these are friends that are fair-weathered friends. They're there when the Coke Rocks are flying, and the Pussy's Flying, they got your back. Once that Coke Rock disappears, you know, they've gone. There's most people like that. But with comedy, when you're on your... way up everybody wants to be your friend i mean you know ralphi had requests ralphi used to show me shit that

people would send them that would blow your mind and now i get those same type of people and you're like what the fuck do you are you crazy are you retarded yeah yeah uh it was just weird to see his growth but i will tell you one thing and i told somebody that he was a lot better poor yeah he was a lot of happy here. He was so happy when he was poor. He would sit in that fucking one bedroom apartment and do his gigs and

he had, you know, he had that forerunner that was driving, tipped over like the shocks on the left side. You can I'm lying to you Lee. Some shocks would give them hell. It was like that shirt used to wear that button that was holding on for dear life and that it was over here. Me and Lee would die of laughter.

This poor button would be holding on to that shirt trying to keep it to together. He destroyed those shock absorbers. It was a forerunner. A red and tan forerunner. Lee, you would see it come down to block and you could see. And he had, we would break his balls,

what's going on with the shockers. You're tipping over. The seat was fucked up. The seat, you know how you sit a seat and if you drop your car phone under there, you can stick your hand under there. And his car, see, he had broken everything. It was just a seat that was on. He had to drive

like sitting on a yellow page. That's how big he was. That's how big he was. He had like, you know when you're four, and you go to the dentist or the head cut, they put like yellow pages down. That was him towards the end. He had flattened out the seat.

Yeah. The metal just went through the metal. Just gave up. You can't believe these things. And then when you call them out of it, his face would get red and tell you fucked you a thousand to a Toyota. That Toyota had fucked up.

I remember having this conversation with. I used to remember him and John Westling picking me up on a Monday at 4 o'clock. Right. Coming in from Miami. No, though. You know, 100 a show. I snorted it. I was into them for 200 for the next time I went back.

Sure. Like, the next time I go back, I'm only getting four out of six years. I had already dipped into two. Yeah. And I'll never forget him and John picking me up. And us driving down with Siena-Govie. You know, and it bumper to bumper. And me looking at him and going, whatever.

happened? You became a midget overnight like the chair. Yeah. And he's like, I don't know what happened. You don't know what happened. I'll tell you what happened. You're 800 pounds. No, I'm not. I'm 462. Yeah, he would always. What do you mean you're 462? What scale even says 4-fucking 62? Show it to me right now.

Unless you went to Rouse. And then he would really lose his mind. What do you mean, round? Why would they weigh me a rouse? That's for cows. Oh, we were torment them. That's when he was still going to jack in the box. Oh, yeah. That was his shit.

That was his last meal, actually. Oh, yeah. We could time them. You could leave the store 15 minutes before Ralphie and still get the Shrader before him. Yeah. And go, Ralphie, what happened?

Oh, Obama hit him on the street. And as soon as you open this car door, you got a whiff, you can see the jalapeno. Yeah, of course. Taco fucking rappers. Not the taco, the chicken sandwich and the jalapeno cheese stuffed holl of cheese. Oh, my God.

He would have the cream cheese on his face. You only ate three of them. Yeah. And then you would say, them, come on. It was like, Lee, I'm an A. G. Three. Boxes.

All right. I ate 12. No, you ain't 12. You're not going to stop at three. Nobody would wait on that line. No, fucking three box. You fucking little stuff all the page. He loved him.

He fucking loved those things. They're the most disgusting things. Yeah. I know if I worked a jack-in-the-box, I put those up my head. Just on Prince of him. Yeah, for respect. Yeah.

Just out of respect for the fight club. Why are you giving them ideas? Yeah. There's one listener who works a jack in the box. He's going to put him up his ass. You don't want a jack on the box or do you? I don't eat the jalapeno poppers, but I know what they're going to go. Joey Diaz told me to put a jalapeno pauper on my asshole.

Why not? You get eight an hour and they treat you like shit. You might as will get the most bang for your buck. Yeah, put it up your ass for respect. And just serve them out into the public. What do you think when you eat that? When you eat that Big Mac, what the fuck do you think is on there? Before the...

Let's just... Kevin, I don't know. No, it's a fucking... Some Arab guy sweating. Yeah. On your burger. Just dropping hummus and... Jerked off three times.

Hasn't washed his hands in a month. No one goes to that thing thinking you're going a stout burger. And that's a... I knew Ralphie the least out of all four of us. But it's like... The stuff he went through at the end was bad, but there's...

No one gets to be how big he got happy. happy. Like there were some other, like, and I don't know, and I don't know if we want to talk about him or whatever, but to get that big, like, you know, you don't go. He could have had a chef make him jalapeno poppers. It's not, it's just there's, there's something about that food that gives you a little bit of happiness real quick.

It's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's just the accumulation of everything that fucks you up. A couple weeks ago, we lost Kobe Bryant. Right. And that morning, I landed at 9.30 from Atlanta. I saw the clouds and the fog. And I got in the car with Steve Simone. I was in Terminal 4.

Got my American luggage. I shot up. And to make a long story short, I wanted to, you know, do I know Kobe Bryant? No. Did I have me, Kobe Bryant? No. Was I a fan? Yeah.

Was I a super fan? I'm a Julius Irving guy, but I was a fan of Kobe Bryant. Brian, that motherfucker can play some ball, rest and peace. Let me tell you how the mind works, okay? I went to CVS, and I just found this out of 57 guys. Okay, so let me just tell you how the mind works. I live, whatever. I tell people CVS, but I really went to the other one.

Ride 8. I went to Ride 8. The ride 8 is mile and 1.1.1.1.1.1. one miles from my house. That's how I found that. I looked at my wife. She started getting the prescriptions. Some Rite Aid. So I had to go to Rite Aid.

I had to go to Rite and get a prescription. When I walked and I saw the three women crying behind a counter. I don't know, Kobe. But death, when somebody dies, it triggers. It triggers. Yeah. Now, I could, I minus it you guys. You know, I get high.

I try to eat a peanut. I try to eat a couple of apples if I get high at night and then a couple bananas. like that they had banana for lunch, you know? Just to help out. I'm a fat fuck. I don't want to die from a heart attack, whatever. But let me tell you how pain works. Rob, that's a good question you brought up.

Fuck, nut. I love you. You don't say much. Look at the man in black. It was like Johnny Cash did fucking $800 jalapeno poppers. They couldn't even put you on the stage at that fulsome prison. You'd have to do from a jail cell. I'm fine with me.

But I walked. tinted and I saw those women crying. I don't know him. But pain is so deep because when I walked in, they were having a sale. And I told Lee this, they were having a sale on two for five dollars. Oreo doubles. Oh, come on. Yeah. You know, let's be honest. There's nothing like an oil. It's like there's some things like today. This is how fat fuck I am.

Now if you buy a pack of Tony the Tiger. Yeah. Frosts flakes. School, sports don't go out of business. Yeah. And when I saw that commercial for two minutes, the fat fuck was like, maybe I'll go buy 10 boxes. And I know that they ain't going to give a dime to kids. Tony the Tiger don't give two fucks a box. Yeah, he doesn't give two shots.

So I was going to give them $500, even though they sell $5,000. Yeah. But in my mind, the fat fuck and me, but anyway, getting back to that day, I was going to buy those Oreos just because of the pain it brought up. Right. And I caught myself. I go, look. Yeah. Look how pain works.

Oh my God. Yeah. I'm hungry, but I don't want a cheeseburg. I don't want nothing healthy. I would eat those two bags for Oreo. I'm suppressing pain. For sure. So you're absolutely right.

His pain stem back all the way to childhood. Oh, it did. Okay. His pain stem back all the way to childhood. That's what made, that's what made him the dangerous comedy stand-up that he was. Yeah. There has to be pain mixed in that fuel.

Yeah. In that material, in that fucking jumbo that we'd become comedians. and that 45 minutes there's pain in there. That's simple. All the guys, whether it's Bill Burr, you see, he's happier. He's happy because he's making $82 million a year. But what drives Bill Burr to be that funny? Something he saw as a kid.

Sure. You know, Bill worked hard. Bill worked really hard, you know. Sebastian, something he saw as a kid. Something happened. Some trigger. Ali Wong. Yeah.

You know, she saw a guy get hit with a fucking Newtuck. When she was four, she was like, we got to stop this shit. shit. You know, Whitney Cummings, all these people are the comedians. You, us, yeah. Me, Lee.

All of us saw something, triggered something, you know. But that's our natural reaction. To eat a fucking box, two boxes. Yeah. If you don't let me, I would have taken those home. I don't even like milk. I still dip the Oreo. I hate milk more than hummus.

Not really. I hate hummus more because it brings terrorism. Milk. You never seen a cowbow. herself up for the name of Allah. No, never. So fucking. You know,

what the fuck? You know, when I did my Oreos of milk, I could do a box of those easy. Right. You know how many times I told myself I was just going to do one row? Oh, yeah. You ever tell yourself?

Yeah, yeah. I'm only going to do one row. Yeah. A couple rows are going down. Fucking couple rows are going down. But that's what pain is. Sure. Pain that comes to you and it makes she'd do a pill and make she to eat 16 cheese burgers. In my case, it was

the cocaine and then the 16 cheese burgers. I didn't get to be 418 because I was the Pied Piper. I didn't seem like I lost the daughter. I lost a mother who I grieved. I lost friends who I grieved. I was angry and frustrated about my life.

How'd I end up on fucking Selma Boulevard living a block from Hollywood a $700 a month apartment with nine cats. You know, meanwhile, Ralphie's making millions.

And I'm living, I wasn't apprehensive. I wasn't angry at Ralphie, because he could, he would have gave me those millions if I would have wanted to. Yeah. It wasn't that.

I was 418 pounds. Yeah. I'm at the comedy store. Montreal don't want me. I see them don't want you. Nobody wants you. Joe Rogan and Ralphie think you're funny. What good does that do?

That's it. Two people thought I was funny and Mitsy Shaw. Right. Yeah. So those three people kept me alive. You know what I'm saying? So, but in that meantime, Josh Wolf is getting deals.

This guy's doing this. What am I doing? I'm fucking eating. I'm in pain, man. Yeah. I can't see my daughter. I got three pair of pants. You know, I'm hooked on a fucking drug.

It's horrible. Yeah. It's just horrible. I wanted to get off. I didn't know where the fuck to start. I didn't have 10,000 to go to Malibu rehab. Sure. Rehab.

And I didn't want to go because I knew they weren't going to help what I had going. Right. They weren't going to take away what I had. That's bullshit. Right. A rehab is just a pit stop to check everything and then eventually you go back to your old habits. Well, I just put one beer on Friday. We got Ralphie fresh at a rehab and that was the worst we ever seen. Oh, when he first came out, yeah. We were the first weekend, he came out of rehab.

Yeah, he came out like a fucking rocket. We get on the bus. He's all, boys, fresh out of rehab. He's all, start rolling joints. Like it was his first day out. Yeah, he goes, start rolling joints. And there was a fucking mound of, and he had a roller and all the supplies. and he goes, start rolling. We're going to smoke until we get to Ohio. And we were, like, in Chicago. Yeah, we were Sean Berg or whatever.

Yeah. Do you remember when they tried to do an intervention and he ran away? Yeah. Yeah. That motherfucker never took more than 10 steps. You know it. He ran away. And then I heard he got one of those portable scooters.

He got one of those black guys. You're taking a ride player. He gave him like $2,000. And they were off and running. They threw everybody off the shuttle. It was just Ralphie. He fucking. behind.

He snuck out of that like Arnold and commando. Oh, you saw a little eyes. Dorfman and Lana chased him. Come back. We were just kidding. Yeah. Fucking Ralphie.

They done to do an intervention at the airport. He looked at them, dog. Yeah, he's like, fuck you. He said, you know what? You people got something. They didn't even say that. Yeah. He just ran.

He just started running like, O.J. Jumping through shit. That motherfucker got him exercise for 10 years. Yeah. And he was dry hurdling fucking luggage and shit. Oh, rehab. What are you fucking nuts? I got 20 Vicodians in my pot.

I'm thinking about a hotel room right close to here. Yeah, go to sleep for two days. And they hadn't even had that Uber Eats yet. Oh, yeah. Thank God. He would have been platinum. You know he would. He would have been platinum already.

There would have been nobody ordered like he did. No, Jody Arable to deliver right to his door every fucking time. Yep. Like, here's your fucking garlic gnawn. Here's your fucking non and your chicken tan dirty. You guys got to pull out a little show on Wednesday, then? Yeah, we have the dirty show at the Ontario Improv. You know, next month there'll be 14 years. We've been doing that show.

14 years. And you still can't get a weekend out of them. I can't get a weekend out of them. Thanks a lot, levity. Yeah, still can't get sucked off. 14 years. Yeah, and can't get a weekend out of them. They give you a story.

Nobody has a story. Yeah, we're not YouTube famous. Yeah. They give them to these fucks. But, yeah, we got the. 30 show and then we're just... And then this weekend we're with Brad Williams and then we're at Oxnard at Levity Live, I think

after that. Okay. Yeah, but where are you with Brad at? At the Spotlight Casino and Indio. No shit. Yeah. So we're going to go out there this weekend with him and raise Little Hell and just have fun. We haven't worked with him in a good five, six months, so we're excited to see him.

I know Ralphie's looking down right now. Very proud of you guys. We appreciate that. And I guarantee he's in shock that all the people that he helped out, you two guys are the only ones that are holding up the fucking flag. We will forever. We love them. I don't feel the fuck.

You know, that I just want people to know that there's an article that's going to come out. And you got three guys here that have no reason to a lot of you. Yeah. Three people that don't profit off of him. Nope. We don't do anything. All we want to, you know, I put away a little something for his kids. Us too.

Yeah. At some time when they're ready. I'll get it to the kids I don't want the mom involved I don't want her hands on it you know I'm sure that the kid's gonna reach out he wants to know

I'm sure that we're gonna each get a call I pray that someday that Emma and his daughter reach out saying we want to know what happened that's the obvious they all reach out

so that's always the obvious and again I won't say anything about the drugs yeah because at the end it doesn't really matter you know it doesn't really matter. His contribution to comedy was huge.

Yep. What he did for comedians. Lots of them. Lots of them. Lots of them. Which was just a humanitarian thing. Any good comic knows that you have to help the younger guys. Sure. What am I talking about help?

Putting you on the road or whatever. That's not help. Guiding you. Yeah. Telling you little things from time to time. Throwing your bone. call that guy. He's got a gig. It's in hell. It's in hell. It's seven and a half hours on roller skates.

You can't drive because the road is too thin. But it pays $800 and a fucking food. They'll suck your dick. And the waitress has got big titties and yourself blow. And you're like, fuck it, I'll do it. That's what, you know, and that's what people get confused with that, that you have to get the young guys. And nobody, you know, I've heard, like I said, I've heard thousands of stories from Club owners both negative always

are the positive venter because they loved them at the end he went out there to make money for you yeah yeah ralphi took pride and making money for you he did ralphi really wanted the weight staff to make money i learned that from ralphi you know it's like when people go well we want this percentage whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa would you

do that and take that percentage no don't do that to them let them get that taste also even though i know they're robbing me because they're all rob a little bit come on you know they all rob a little bit They all rob a little. Put a little in there. Believe me.

Anybody who's paying cash, that shit's falling off the register. I can assure you that. That shit's falling off the register. But, you know, you, I learned a lot from that man. We did. I learned a lot from that man. I learned how to be a gentleman. And that's why I can't believe out of all the things Ralphie was, one thing they're forgetting this whole article is to say that he's a gentleman.

Yeah. You know, you could say all the shit Lana tells you. you can make all the assessments from the documentary or the memoir. I'm telling you one thing straight up that he was a gentleman. And at the end of the day, that's more important

than being a millionaire. That's more important than being a movie star. That's the most important thing. And that's what I took from him. That's why I act the way I do because he was a gentleman, man. And he left us with that, and I hope he's having a good time up there with

Brody. He's probably good for him on Brody. I bet. Rody, let me teach you to tie a knot. Yep. You know. Yeah. You know.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You know. Oh, my God. Yeah. He's like,

you should have went with a fisherman. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. He's probably tortured Maryland. Oh,

you know he is. But Ralph was a good guy. And that's the only thing that, you know, we want to make sure it's clear. But he was a good, he was a good, good guy, you know,

so. And he wasn't that, you know, all tortured soul. He had good and bad times, but he was a good guy, and that's what... Well, there were more good time. And the 20 years I knew him, they were more good than bad.

100%. There was 12 great years and 8-1s where it was shady, and that's all of us. Yeah. If that's 100% of the year life, but he wasn't an abuser. No. He wasn't, whatever. The pain led him to the fucking pills. You know, let me tell you some, those pills are an easy addict.

Oh, yeah. Listen, but my fucking, I got to go starting. It got approved. I got hit on Friday. I didn't even know it. I got it on my insurance pays, like my doctor pays. I got to start going. I'm not doing it next Monday because they're doing the Kobe Bryant thing,

and you don't want to get in your car next Monday. If you live in the L.A. area, if you go into the Kobe thing, I heard they don't even want people going down there, which means come down. Don't say that. Yeah. Don't say we don't want people to come down here because now they're going to come down there. Everyone's coming. So next Monday to 24th, the 101 is going to.

going to be hell in the morning. The red line is going to be even fucking worse and I can't imagine the 405 so whatever plans you may have

stay at home watch a tribute at home put your Laker shirt on say a prayer because it's going to be fucking crazy next Monday. I can't even imagine

I know for a fact I read that every hotel around downtown is already 100% booked. Wow. That means people are flying in

for this Kobe Memorial, which I don't know. He was a great basketball player. I love to death. But it's going to be fucking crazy next Monday. Oh, yeah. This town. So I don't want to do nothing. So after that, I got to start

going for shots. I got to take three shots, three Mondays in a row. Really? On my knee. You know, guys, I squat. Epidural injections or whatever. No, they're not epidural. These are gel.

To put a coating in between the bone to get the arthritis and to numb the arthritis a little but I can't imagine the pain he was walking in. Oh, yeah. Remember, when you lay down in bed and you get up, if you're in that bed for six fucking hours

and you get up, your legs, you know, your legs are shit. Yeah. Your legs are shit. You got to walk, you got to do certain things, you know, and when you lay down, and then you get up and walk when you're as heavy as we are, I am.

Oh, we are too. You fucking, it hurts. Oh, yeah. You know, those walk-through airports, there's a motherfucker all yesterday in Phoenix it was tremendous I made the walk

and there was a little black dude sitting there like this I peeled off at 20 I thought we were in C we were like in C19 the last one at the sky harbor fuck you

I said you busy he goes no I go I go with three of us I gave him a 20 right to the front there was a little old lady next to her she's like I like this man

I don't forget the tip this ain't done on fucking white you know, a look, lift a rock hole later. They make a social security card. You wouldn't want to walk this. Would you give him a fucking 10? The guy looked at me here.

These white motherfuckers is cheap. I know, I know. You got to check him at the airport. They give you a ride. Give the guy a 10 spot. You get one of those black guys a ride at 20 in Dallas? I had a guy that was doing 90 one time. He was running over people.

White people were like, hey, slow down. Fuck you, honky, motherfucker. I got a 50 in my pocket. This motherfucker was out of roll. Yeah. Well, it's good to see that you're still doing your thing. Congratulations on the 14 years. Thank you.

If I get an impulse, maybe I'll drive to Ontario, but the chances are slim. Yeah, we know. It's okay. You've done it before, though. Oh, yeah, yeah. It was tremendous. Yeah. You guys are up there giving away dildos.

Yeah. Women are leaving angry. Oh, yeah. We've seen them fucking mixing their drinks up with 12 inch fucking dildos. You still get sponsored by the dildos? Yeah, yeah. We used to get glass ones, believe it or not, like the same. guy that would make pipes would make us these

dildos that you could put in your fucking dishwasher. But we were flying around with them through TSA and we had this special suitcase made and we would always play rock scissors paper who was going to carry the glass dildos as carry on because they would always pull you over and then put on their gloves and grab your dildos and ask you a million questions. So

Chad's a cheat motherfucker. I would always lose and I was always getting caught through TSA with 25 glass dildos going through the ringer in TSA. So we quit to get it and film it. That'd be hysterical. That we quit doing it. We don't even bring them on the road no more because they pull us over in TSA every time. Yeah, that's what I'm going to.

Fuck that. And TSA now, when you get pulled over into that back room, I mean, you're stripping down. You're getting naked. You're pulling up your nutsack. Really? Yeah, they've stripped us down. Made us one time we were with Ralphie. And they go, have you handled explosives today?

And I was just kidding. I go, just my dick. And I swear to God, they pulled me and Ralphie to the side and made us get into our underwear because I joked about having an explosive in my pants in Detroit. airport I was talking shit I'm all you should search them they probably got drugs and all kinds of shit on them I was just talking all they made us strip down Ralph he had to lift up his tities the whole yeah he was so mad at me oh he took him 20 minutes of oh yeah oh he was so fucking mad at leg yeah hold them yeah yeah the whole thing help him once you gotta hold them and shit had to help him with his belt

the whole fucking that leg put the belt on and he always go oh that's what you do he was all strained out he was all strained out when you had to help him but and he would put on one shoe and that's 20 minutes. Oh, at least. And he would go, and then he put out of the shoe fucking on. It's a two-hour process.

And he'd be trying to get it on, wiggling, moving his foot, trying to pick his knee up. Then he'd come here. You fucking get like a stool. Fucking hilarious. But that's a major level.

Yep. I'm happy, you motherfuckers. How can people find you? Corey and Chad on our Smash Brothers on any Instagram, Corey N-Chats, C-O-R-Y-N-C-H-A-D.

No web page, yeah. Yeah, we got identical entertainment. Okay. Yeah, that's our... Identical Entertainment. Dot-com? Yeah, that's our... You guys are good fucking brothers, man.

We appreciate it. I appreciate you celebrating Ralphies will do a couple bongets now. Yeah. Me and that league are going to do another edible. I don't think he can take anymore. Look at it.

Oh, I'm just planning a meal. He's a savage. Yeah. He's going to a sushi. Oh, is he? He's going to sushi, Dan, Appiah. He's going to get 22 tuna rolls. He don't give a fuck.

I don't blame. I'm not even giving 40. You'll eat all that sushi, but he won't eat asshole. No, he started. Oh, he started eating assholes? He went to George Perez's and took a cork, a chick, an ass cork, and put it in his mouth and chew. I know Kate Quigley's trying to talk you when to eat ass. No, she's not.

But let me tell you what happened. He sucked on the cork juice, and a week later, came out of his eye. Got a stye. Oh, he got a stye. Yeah. I did not. You got a styes from eating dirty ass. You got to put him in a jacuzzi first.

That's my move. No, he got the pink guy in the jacuzzi. Oh, did he? Yeah. Yeah, he's sensitive to all that stuff. Oh, isn't he being careful. Because he's got to build his immune system. Yeah.

You got to build your music. Listen. It's like eating a pig. You know what I'm saying? It's like eating a fucking pig. Yeah. You don't know what's in that pig. There's chemicals and shit.

Yeah, you don't know. You eat ass on the wrong day. You'll go out like Val Kimmer and Tombstone. Yeah, you don't want that. Yeah, I didn't. I didn't. That's what happened. I thought you're putting your mouth like a good boy.

No, I did it. It was in her butt, and I looked, I looked at while I was in her butt, like, well, she was on the stage. Okay. You can you taste any shit or anything? No, I just tasted any shit. She was, I don't think she's shit this year. You might as well take her. You might as well take your dad down.

I'm not too hard to drive to McDonald's right now. Not right now. Not right now. Yeah, take your dad down there. How was you going to be the dog? He's going to be 67. I don't want to. Fuck, yeah.

I don't want to take my dad to a stroke. No, for sure. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Yeah, we'll take them. I got a Viagra. We'll do some. Oh, that's what I need.

We'll give my Viagra. We'll give my half a valley and two edibles. And we'll just leave you down. We'll get George Perez to give him a room. I'll pay for a hotel room down the corner. You can come home like nothing happened. Yeah. Easy breezing.

That's it. Your dad will be in there getting sucked off. I don't want anyone added to the will. No one's giving my dad a fucking blue pill. Whatever that's. Oh, we'll get him one of those gas station dick pills. Black Rhino 12,000. Jesus.

Did they get your dick hard? Yeah. Yeah. I take them. Hey, you're dick and chip concrete. Brian Redband taught us about it. Yeah, Red Band told me about him. And then I, what does he take?

The gas station sells dick pills. They're called like the Black Rhino's 7,000. Your fucking dick's hard for seven days. No bullshit. I thought Chad was going to have a heart attack like John Candy, this fucking guy. He was, I walked in on him. He was fucking away. That's a good thing about the twin brother.

I walked in. Oh, just some waitress at some comedy club. And I just pounding away on her. And he walked in on me. I was fucking doing the Lord's work. I mean, I'm telling you. Dick and that's a lot closer than I would be Oh, we're twins. That's okay.

No big deal. Same DNA. That's how you and your dad will be. You'll be pushing on your dad's ass as he's bottoming out on some Vietnamese massage bar. You got to take it's his birthday. Yeah, it's his birthday. Out of respect, you should do it. We're going to take him to the Denny's again? No.

You came out of his dick. You need to show some respect to that day. Take him the breakfast. Take him the breakfast to shoot right down to George Perez. Yeah. Yep. Yep. Yep. Just drop more. GP knows what to do it. Yeah. Give him everything. I'll give him the breakfast

will break for the Viagra powder and his eggs. Yeah. We'll fucking, we'll dose him heavy duty. Yeah, give him like a gallon of pediolide on the way down. That way he's nice and hydrated. He'll be like. Yeah. Because he's going to come a lot.

Oh, Jesus. Come on. He's disgusting. Take care of you dead. Come on. Yeah. What kind of guy are you? Yeah, don't be a piece of shit. No. You can do whatever he wants for his birthday. Why don't I have to go? You don't know where to go? Yeah. What would you want in your 67,

his birthday or scarf a watch or a yarmica yeah no you want some of your suck you're fucking fuck you balls too what's the last time he got his big son i don't know ask yeah you got to your dad yeah be open that's your father that's your father's his first

yeah it's his birthday come on it's not family no that's a family thing yeah nobody'll say a word big deal yeah just quiet the whole way home will be nice and quiet you know me family celebrate by taking their old man out and getting him sucked up

My father was alive and he was 60, 70, he came out here to visit me. I get his dick sucked. We take our dad out and get our dick sucked. I watched my brother and my dad get their dick sucked all the time. I don't suck a 67-year-old dick. I feel like I'm in the right here. I feel like you guys are the weird ones. No, no, no, you're weird.

You're fucking weird. You don't want your dad's dick suck? What's on with you? You're selfish. You're selfish. You're selfish. You are selfish. You are selfish.

You are selfish. I'm selfish. Take him down, man. Give them a two for one. Yeah. Give some chick 200, some runaway. Take him over on Lakersham, right over there that fucking Korean bathhouse or whatever.

You give him the 200. Yeah. Run away. Yeah. What do you think they're the fucking Harvard reps that runaways? Yeah. No big deal. No, she'll suck it.

Yeah. That'll be happy. Yeah. Think how happy you'll make them. It'll be so proud of you'll get out of Florida and brag about you. Yeah, I'd be like my son got me sucked off. That's what he's going to tell people. He got me a fucking.

You know all that nut juices and his dick. Pink. Looking like cottage tea shooting. out of his cottage cheese last night. Oh, see, they're sticking it up his load for the Asian. So you get him some pineapple juice. That way he's dropping good loads on him. Oh, right.

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at exclusive. grab a pen. Capital Z, ziprecruiter.com slash church. Again, that's ziprecruiter.com slash church. ZipRecruiter, the smartest way to hire. Don't forget, I'm going to be in Las Vegas at Treasure Island on February 28th, and then I got nothing until the Arlington Theater in Santa Barbara on March 27. I got shit to do and people to see.

So if you don't see me in Las Vegas, you're going to have to wait and see me in Santa Barbara. barber or come to the fucking comedy store cock suckers i don't know what to tell you besides that i love you guys i love cori and chat i want to tell my brother up in heaven happy birthday we're still thinking about him we haven't forgotten about him and i want to thank christ killer for being here this fucking beaut and that's it have a great tuesday and i'll see you motherfuckers thursday tip-top motherfucker mcgoo stay black i love you