The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #763 - Sam Morril

Episode Date: February 24, 2020

Sam Morril, a comedian, actor seen in "The Joker," and co host of the "Pod Don't Lie" podcast, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt LIVE in studio. This podcast is brought to you by:    CBD Lion - For all of your CBD needs, from shatter to gummies, go to www.CBDLion.com and use code CHURCH for 20% off.  MeUndies - Go to Meundies.com/JOEY and get 15% off of your first purchase and FREE shipping. 

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Go to me on these. Today's guest is my main man, the fucking ultimate New Yorker. Mr. Sam Morel. Great to have you on. Thanks for having me on, man. What's up, my brother? This is great. I use one of those CBD bath bombs the other night, man.

I don't take baths, but I get back. You do the road all the time. You get back problems and shit. You know, it's really weird, but I lived on Mondays and Thursdays. And both those women fucking break my back. And I'll go home and do some downward dogs or whatever. And I'm good. Yeah.

If I go to that coffee shop and I sit there and I try to write a couple days, that's the worse my back gets. Really? Yeah, me too. Destroyes my back. Me too. I could go lift a fucking house for an hour. And the next day, yeah, I got a little back pain because your muscles are sore.

But it's not, when I sit there, it just kills. And I put a timer on it. Yeah. You got an hour and 15. I got one of those half balls I sit on it. It was half balls. So it forces you to kind of sit up. How's that working?

I don't know. I'm still a weak Jew. I still have like the weak frame of just like the, I, I'm not, it's, I don't think it's, I think it's just another thing that makes you feel better, but it's not really helping. You've been on fire lately. You've been doing really well lately. Thank you, man. You're proud of yourself.

No, I can't feel it. It's, you know, I mean, you're in a fucking great movie, Joker. Thank you. You're on some showtime show. So you, you're making little moves. Yeah, little things. And I hate when comics really, and I do the same. Yeah.

When we really don't grasp what we're doing. We're laying down little things. It's hard to feel it. It's hard to feel the good. How was the reaction to you being in the Joker? It's probably the most messages I've ever gone to my life because for some reason, Todd Phillips just kept my real name in the movie. So after I get off stage, the host goes one more time for Sam Marell.

So everyone's like, wait, what? So I, like, childhood friends be like, you were in the fucking Joker? I didn't tell anyone I was in it because I was just doing stand-up. So I was like, why would they keep me in? you know, I was shooting it all day and it's a real crowd. So I'm doing a different set every take because I didn't want, I don't want to have to have them fake laugh. So I was like, let me do a new joke every take. So they're actually laughing.

And then Chris Red is hosting, you know, the comic Chris Red. So he's hosting. So he's getting so annoyed with me because he, I get to do new bits every take. And he just, he's just like, one more time for Sam Merell. That's his only line. It's just to say my name. And then he introduces the Joker on stage who bombs. So it was, to me, I was like, well, yeah, I get to do material, but you're going to make the movie and I'm not.

So I didn't tell anyone I was in it because I just assumed they were going to cut me. And boom, there you are. They didn't, yeah. You don't really see my face. You just hear me tell a joke. But I was like, fit, my joke, that's cool. Did you go to premiere and the whole thing? No, no, I didn't invite the premiere.

They didn't invite you the cast and crew? No, I have such a minor part. It doesn't matter. That's crazy. Yeah. How did you cast apart? Todd Phillips called me, the director, and he just said, I like your stand-up because you're not like, he said something like along as you're not cutesy on stage. You feel like very you.

You're just, like, I think you're just you on stage. And I appreciate that. Did you send her the tape or anything? No, I didn't. I think. He just called Jada the fucking blue. Yeah. That's a knockout.

I think my, I think they asked for an agency for a bunch of tapes and he came across mine. He's like, oh, I like this guy. Good for you. So it's me and Gary Goldman that he liked. Gary was in it. Mark Moran was in it. Yeah, Brian Callan was in it. Brian Callan was in it.

Yeah, Greer Barnes. A lot of comics. Pretty cool that Todd Phillips does it. It's weird how the business has changed. If you're in a, like, you could have been a fucking, let's say you would have had a half hour on Comedy Central. Yeah. And you pop a fucking movie role. Yeah.

30 years ago, you start selling out every weekend. Yeah, I did a half hour. No one can find it because it's on. Comedy Central. At an hour, nobody can find it because it's on Comedy Central. And then, you know, now this one they put on YouTube so people can find it. You know, it's so weird a year ago, I bumped into some guy and he goes, I'm not doing a podcast anymore.

And I go, why not? He goes, because I tried it for two years and I didn't sell any more tickets. I go, so you did the podcast with tickets in mind. Right. You weren't just doing it to add to your, you know, your arsenal of things. Right. He goes, yeah, I just wanted to give it a shot. It's so weird.

I felt about it because I feel that everything you do adds to your arsenal. That little part, 10 years from now, might become something completely weird. And 30 years from now when you're broke and they're doing Joker conventions and you're showing up and you're going, you're Sam Marell and you're like, yeah, $10 a picture. And, you know, it always comes back. Like, it's so weird how we look at minor things. I have a million things out there, TV shows. I brought in a box of mail.

I delivered something. Somebody signed, you know. But now looking back, I was just getting stronger. Yeah. And stronger and stronger. There's a million things. That's a great attitude. And then I got two lines.

And then for a year, I would book movies and there were always one day. What the fuck? Yeah. I'm one day Joe. That's it. and there would either be the first scene with the credits rolling through it or the last scene where the credits rolling through it.

I did like a year of those. Yeah. Then I started booking two days on a film. All right, we're getting some way. You know what I'm saying? Two days. Then I booked like 11 on one. I was like, okay.

Now, but it's like everyone counts towards something. Yeah, you're also just getting better and more comfortable in your own skin. I think each thing that like, like I'm doing Conan on Tuesday and it's my it's my six time on Conan and I'm kind of like so shit so I think about each of those times and the first time I was so nervous and the second time I was like fuck it I'm gonna have a couple scotches before I go on I deserve I think I'm like I think I can handle this and then each time I just kind of like I used to run them so hard every

set like it meant like and they still mean a lot to me each set means something to me but but they're just like I don't really I'm just not nervous I'm just like well I am I prepare I it's in my nature to prepare for the stuff. So I'm going to prepare, but I'm not, I'm going to do everything I can do. Don't kill yourself. I used to kill myself over it. 28 years, I just stopped killing myself. Yeah.

I just figured out that you work, you write, the material is there. Yeah. Deliver it, do the best you can't. Know what you're going to go up there and say, know what you're going to end with. Yeah. And just go. With specials, I'm in my head. I analyze every word.

and for no reason. No, you should analyze every word, I think. I don't kill yourself, but yeah, like... I do analyze it, but with a special, I overanalyze it. That's fair. And that's not right. You know, the other night I was watching Creed, too. Yeah.

You know, it's on TV, Friday night. My daughter's running around, whatever. And there was just... Every one of those Stovess Stall movies, they're not Academy Award winners, but he always says one thing in those movies You go, huh? And the kid was saying something, the black kid, Michael.

B. Jordan. Michael B. Jordan. Tremendous. He's awesome. And he goes, you know what you're thinking too much? Just say what's in your heart. And that's what's stand up. You know, we were talking about Walt Frazier earlier before the podcast, and I, you know, the legendary Nick.

And he always says when players are shooting badly, he always goes, he's aiming his shot. And that applies to stand up. You're aiming your shot means you're thinking. You know, you got to trust a muscle memory. Did you practice? If you practice, you don't have to think. You just do it. You know, same with stand-up.

You practice as much as you practice, but then you've got to like free yourself a little and be you. Like you're funny. That's why you're there. You know what I mean? So if you write the jokes and you focus on the jokes, be free. Don't be. It's almost like you're too tight sometimes. Like for specials, I was depending too much on what was on the paper.

Right. And I wouldn't break away from that. That's not who I am. Right. That's not who I am. I think you need to do like, you need to do like six shows. You need to do like a full weekend with a camera crew. I enjoy doing a joke and then somewhere sometimes taking it somewhere else.

Yeah. And taking it to a story and then coming back to that joke and then going somewhere else. Yeah. With specials I felt was too scripted. It was a TV show. I couldn't have a dull moment in my head. I appreciate dumb. moments. There's nothing like digging yourself out of a hole. There's nothing like banging

them out and then somewhere at the 12 minute mark dying for a minute or two and then digging your way out of the hole and closing it out with a fucking bubble, you know? I like an uncomfortable moment in this show. So do I. I like an uncomfortable moment and every time I do it. Yeah. I take every spot seriously and I'm really good with the economy of words. Yeah. I understand the economy of words. I understand when I go home and listen until I got fucking recording and I, oh, I shouldn't have said that

word there, that word belongs here. I like all that stuff. You, you're a phenomenal writer. Thank you. I'm not a writer like you. But you are a writer. You're a storyteller writer. But you told a story on Ari's show once that was so moving and funny. You know, it was

about, I'm trying to remember the exact story, but it was about an older woman in your life. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was incredible. My mom's friend, yeah. It was incredible. And it was so, I mean, you have the ability to connect that is, it was such a, it was heavy. I love a story that's funny, but also it's like, fuck. That, like, that kind of affected me a little.

I think that sometimes comedy comes in a heavy dose and you don't see it. I like breaking down comedy in a heavy dose. I want to tug at your strings. We're talking about so Vest Stallone. Yeah. He tugs in your heart. every movie that he does. I didn't see the second creed,

but the first one, the whole cancer plot, I was like, that was a fucking beautifully... Tugs at your heart. Every movie he does. I just watched the last Rambo. I was bored one Friday.

There's a great movie theater in North Hollywood. They have like $8 tickets. And I'm watching them, and I'm like, everything he does. Like, he always leaves you with something. Right.

You know, I know he's fucking 64. And even he knows, he's 70 in that movie. He's not doing an hand-to-hand comedy. He's not trying to be John Wick. He did different things to fuck him up and he outwitted them.

But whatever, I don't know how to fuck we got to talk on Sylvester Stallone. You're a great writer. And that means you sit down every day. I try to. I try to sit down every day. And I've been bad lately, but I usually have like a routine.

I'll try to just, you know, go to the coffee shop. I'll take a walk. I'll do whatever. I can do. I listen to sets like you were just saying I hear uh sometimes I'll hear a word. I'm like oh that that could like go in this direction I can kind of come back you know to the bit so yeah I think you need it's funny you brought up Stallone because he really I heard I don't know this I think that's true that with Rocky they told him not to be Rocky right and they're like we'll give you way more money

if you're just out of the movie and we cast a movie star and it's like who the fuck else could you picture is Rocky now that if you even knew the choices they were looking who were they looking at. Bert Rettel. Dustin Hoffman. No, it was Bert Rennel, somebody else. But the

main guy they were looking at was the guy that was married to Farrah Fawcett. Wow. Ryan O'Neill. That would have been a fucking shame. It was like, yeah, it was like... Isn't that weird?

Robert Redford. But their first choice was far from who. And then what people don't know is that Rocky got shot. Like Rocky was one of those movies that they called you and they said you're in it.

But something happened along the way with the money. And then they called back and said shooting starts next week and people were like, I already booked a job. Yeah. It's like Apollo Creed, Mickey and Pauli

were booked the Friday before the Monday. Oh my God. Like something fucking outrageous. Something just. And you don't know. that phone call changes the course of your career, isn't that crazy? Yeah, like it was supposed to be Ken Norton up to that weekend. Something happened to Ken Norton.

Wow. So that guy had to play, Creed, and I don't know who the original Mickey was. I don't really know. Just little stories like that. Damn, dude. I like that scene he does when he goes and sees the shorts. He goes to the, right before he, she moves in. Adrian.

He goes to the spectrum. and he tells the dude, hey, my shorts. I don't remember this. It's not the fucking color. My shorts are red with a blue shirt. The poster. These are blue with a red shirt. Right.

The guy takes a puff of the cigar and he goes, it really doesn't matter. The son does it? And that just tapped into his fucking South Philly side. And he goes back and he wakes her up. And he tells her I can't fucking do that. They had to do that in one take because they were out of thumb. Wow.

So next time you see Sylvester Stallone, you want to make your little fucking stupid remarks that most people make. Think about somebody telling you, we got one shot left. Yeah. It's got to be perfect. I'm a fan. I think you hear the Rocky music. It's like hearing the Star Wars music. That's like when we made creed and I just heard the music.

I was like, fuck, there's like an American mythology that you like taps into your heart a little bit. You can't, you're made a stone. You're an asshole if you feel nothing. It's, uh, because it's the best music. It, it, it,

it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it's, that was one of those movies I saw

in the New City, New Jersey, and a, at a movie theater called the cinema. El Cinema was in the Cuban neighborhood, then fucking, the whole,

the whole place was on their feet. The whole place. Yeah. There were two movies I've seen in that movie that the whole place were on their feet at the end. Rocky and, and,

and birth of a, nation. No. The longest yard, the ocean. Oh, nice. They were on the edge of their feet. Yeah.

200 kids yelling. Mean machine, the main machine. You know, yelling it that the ushers had to come out. Popcorn was getting thrown. We were going fucking nuts. But that was a different era.

You know, I saw Rambo 2 in Washington Heights. Damn. On 107, like 180th on the corner. Nice. There's like a, it's like a big cross street. And there used to be a black movie theater there. I think I went to a vegan restaurant there recently. How fucking funny is that?

That's how fucking crazy it is. It's changed. But there was a movie theater there. And there was two of them on that block. Yeah. There was one on the corner that showed modern movies. And if you walk down a little bit, there was one that was two movies for five bucks,

smelt like sperm. People just wanted in the afternoons to keep warm and jerk off. The floors were sticky. Oh. Across this people was a Carvel and you never let you go in there with your little Carvel shake and watch the movie. And if you step in it, you just like, I just fucking hope that's Carvel. It's disgusting. Yeah.

You would sit there and your feet would just stick in. You know, out of night it was like a porn place. But in the daytime, it was like, you know, FIFA hearts and like officers and a gentleman for five bucks. I like an old movie theater, man. There's something cool about like, about seeing like Casablanca or something like real old in a movie theater. You see a black and white film on a big screen. You're like, fuck, this is how you got to see it. Something about watching at home, you just don't, you connect so much harder in a theater, man. I really enjoy going to see all these films with my daughter. I went to see that one yesterday,

and I basically sat down, caught one upcoming trailer, and I fell asleep. I sat by myself. my wife there was only what movie the one with Harrison Ford and the dog the wild one whatever the fuck that is

I don't know do you know they play like 30 minutes of trailers at AMC now it's the greediest shit I've ever seen there's commercials and then there's 30 minutes

of trailers and you're like dude I didn't expect to be this is an hour and a half movie I'm going to be here close to you know two and a half hours now it's crazy

it's really crazy how the whole theater experience has changed yeah you know When I was a kid, yeah, you had your, you didn't have the change, you had your big movie theater. But then you also had the community movie theater

where the movie wasn't hot anymore. This was the fourth week. If you wanted to pay the four bucks to see it, you already paid it. Now it's down to like two bucks, smaller places. You know, I like those. I grew up in those. I think the neatest movie theater, I ever went to with San Francisco.

In 85, I went to see Mask. And this movie theater had couches. And sticky floors. No. Spotless. Yeah. The place was spotless. Yeah.

And the kitchen was spotless. And they made chocolate chip cookies from scratch right out of the oven. Oh. Oh, no, no. This was tremendous. And they made popcorn. And you would see. the lady putting a stick of butter in the heater.

Yeah. And melting real butter. I mean, this was legit. You know what I like in a movie theater? A movie theater that sells like cashews? Because you know you're going to get like a documentary or a good foreign film? Yeah, yeah. You see nuts for sale.

You're like, all right, these people take their shit seriously. I like it. I still, I don't want the movie experience to grow. Like, I went to a movie theater in Toronto one time and they had a waitstaff. Yeah. And they were serving out. And that's cool. You sit there and go, that's cool, but that's movement.

It is. I don't like that much movement. And it's not forward progress. It's just movement. It doesn't add to the movie experience, I don't think. I don't need to get drunk to watch a movie. You know, you look at the fucker, and you go online, and the movie says it starts at 140. You know, you do 20,000 things.

You wash your pussy. You got to take that shit. Everything that could go wrong could go wrong. The cat pukes on the way out. You get that 140. And then you basically dused it there for a half a fucking hour. Yeah. Watching these reviews, you know, over and over these things.

And the movie, you don't even know what the fuck is going on. Like, it's six trailers or something they show. I hate it. You can watch it. I think like three or four trailers mass. Three trailers. Yeah. Too excite me.

Yeah. That's it. I also don't like different genre trailers. Like, if you're in a comedy and they just show you like horror trailers, you're like, I'm not a horror guy, man. It's just not my genre. genre but I don't I also don't like I mean as you said taking a shit in a fucking in a movie theater I'm very lactose intolerant I beat it I feel like I beat the the disorder I don't really

have it as much anymore but I had it bad I would just so I was so mad I had as a kid that I would eat like cheeseburger mozzarella sticks milkshake I'm like everything to like and every once in a while I would be in like horrible pain I was in one of those Times Square movie theaters just horrible stomachache just liquid coming out of me the worst and I just hear a dad and son and outside the stall laughing at me and I hear the dad go that boy's got this shit it's fucking it made me it was like one of those moments where you're in so much pain you're like all right but that was pretty good it was a pretty good line you go to college I did I went to i went to i went to Tulane for a year and a half in new orleans and then um it was right when

katrina hit so I ended up leaving but uh I end up finishing New York City at NYU and what do you think what did you major in I majored in a made-up major that was like a writing major but I kind of made it so I was already doing stand-up so I kind of made it I was doing like barking at nights and hand out flyers at nights and doing stage at night so I kind of manipulated it to be about comedy but you were at NYU yeah but it ended up I had to do make it academic so it was ancient Greek comedy so it was like 400 BC but I'll tell you man those old plays dick joke fart joke fucking sex joke like every every like it's this comedy is not changed which is kind of a it's kind of cool. There's that famous Greek play Lissistrata where you just can't, the men are at war and the

women won't fuck the men until the war is over. That's how they stand. And you're like, that's from 400 BC. That's kind of cool, I think. I don't know. So I'd have to make it academic to please them, but I just love, I knew I love comedy. I love doing stand-up so much. So I may as well, while I'm here, do this stuff, you know. How old were you the first of me on States? 19, you said? I was 18 the first time, but it was like probably like two months before I turned 19. I was at the, I did the class at the comic strip in New York City. D.F. Swidler taught a class there. And one of my best friends still, Joe Mackey just happened to be in the class.

So I met, usually it's like those people are just like bored. But like we both really love stand-up and I could sense he loved it. And he, it was good for me because D.F. was like, I was so dirty in the class. Every joke was, I was a kid. So every joke was like drinking sex. And he was, he said, just. try to write a few clean jokes too because it's harder to go from from dirty to clean than clean to dirty so just have that tool he said he asked who i liked and i said i love david tell and i gave him all

these comics i like and he said well tell can write clean atel's done late night sets so he was he's actually a lot of those early teachers are like you know we'll get you on letterman in six weeks trust me but he didn't make any promises he was like i'll just make you a little more uh organized what year was this 2005 wow I took a class at New York Comedy Club. No shit. Ninety-three. Who taught it?

I forget the guy's name, but I just been bumped into him maybe three years ago in Burbank. Wow. Didn't even know it was him. We were talking. You remember teaching a class? He was absolutely. And his main thing was stand-up, how your world collides with the rest of the world. Yeah.

And I remember him asking me one day, like, who next week, bringing who? your favorite comic is and some ass I was brought in Gallagher tons of jerk off brought in Cosby as usual and when I laid Bill Hicks on me was like I'm going to pay attention to you you're really into this shit

and we be you know I forgot who but that was if I got anything I forget what it was a hundred bucks for eight weeks or something that I took one in Boulder which got me on stage in Boulder that's why I got on stage

the first time was bolder yeah was Denver Denver comedy works oh shit okay 1991 wow I went to New York to develop in 93 it was too heavy for me mad it was too heavy of a fucking jungle and I couldn't I didn't see myself going anywhere and after eight months of that it was too clicky it is the open mics in New York when I started were really really clicky at that time yeah tons of them Can't complain. People at them. But it's hard to get noticed in any way. Yeah.

I was just trying to open mics. So someone guy would say, do my bar show. I was trying to get real shows. And those mics, man, especially because my jokes were so, like the punchline was so obvious,

I was doing a lot of one-liners that if they were bomb, I would feel those bombs hard. And then, and I didn't even mind bombing, but the amount of mentally ill people you'd have to encounter at these mics, man,

I'd be like, fuck. You were just talking about it. The basement level is, used to go to a place on 15th and 8th Avenue. It used to be Goodfellas Pizza. Yeah. Right down the corner from Manhattan, Honda. Manhattan, Honda was like 23rd Street.

Yeah. This bar, you made like a right on 15th Street. You walk like 30 yards. That had an open mic. I don't know what night it was. Their open mic started it done. It was just a dive. I remember being in there with a pimp in there with three hose.

him and him working the hose. Yo, yo, yo, play it. Come here. You want to get your dick suck? And you're on stage. And you're on fucking stage, you know. And you're like, no, and then afterwards, like, no, he's not even talking to you.

He doesn't care. I still specifically remember just feeling like, I'm not going to say suicidal in New York. I wasn't suicidal. I just felt like it wasn't going anywhere. I had started in Denver. and the difference between Denver and New York at that time was A, you don't have to bring five people

And a lot of comics had their own rooms So comics went into bars and asked for a Three or two and a dollar budget And everybody got 50 bucks and You know, four people got to go on stage Yeah I didn't see that until I went to New York And saw how hard I was working to get on stage, you know

I remember going on open mic they used to start at 11. Your old triple Linn, 11 o'clock, went to 4. You know how many times I was dead a quarter of a fucking 11 and I was already number 67? Yeah. Like, you're serious. Like, it's 10.30.

The lineup opens up at 10.30 and I'm already 67. It's brutal. I mean, dude, yeah, so Joe Mackin and I used to do what was called Late Night, the comic strip. So there's the regular show starts at 8. and then at like 10.30 or so, maybe 10.45, they start late night. And then, so that's like already, you know, it's already two hours, 45 minutes the crowd sitting through the show. So they let you go on do five minutes instead of 15.

And Mackey and I would get there at like 740 to be the first to sign up. And then it didn't matter if we were the first. They had this other side of late night that got to just cut us. So these were like guys that didn't work the club but have been around for like 20 years. So they're guys who just didn't work on their acts. We're just guys, some of them would just go up and do street jokes and they'd show up at like 10.30 and we'd be there three hours. They'd just get to cut us. So then we'd go on sometimes like 1145. There's like three people left, four people. But you know, to us it was like, well, we're

hanging and we're bouncing bits and we're like talking comedy. So that was good for us. And then even just saying the jokes to three people, I felt like it was something. You know, some nights, the crowd was good, but it made us. I remember Mike D. St. Defano, it was a really funny guy who worked. That's funny he mentioned him. He just, he passed away. Yeah, a very funny guy. Very funny guy. And very like kind of, there was like an honesty to him on stage.

He was like, he was a really kind guy. He was really funny. There was, yeah, he just was great. I remember he saw it Mackey and I 190. He said, I like you to because you, you stay in the corner. You shut the fuck up. And he just bounced jokes. He's like, and that's what young comics should do.

He's like, you don't bother anybody. He's like, you don't bother the pros. And we're like, all right, I guess we're, I guess, us being in the corner is good. You know, it's just got to keep showing up. And he kind of, that was like, I think, his way of encouraging us. And other comics would say, they'd give us like a hint that we were doing the right thing a little bit. And I thought the comic strip was pretty good for developing jokes. It's crazy that you did that at the comic strip.

And when I moved here in 97, Josh Wolf and I talked to Aaron Bon Tempo into letting us do a show at 11 at the improv. She's like, I don't know people are going to come. but you know I don't know how many times the host would say guys we have another show if you want to stick around and again six people would hang yeah you know and it was Josh me and then fucking the word got out you know and then it would go to eight people then 10 then 12 and we're doing okay and then Damon Wayne started bumping us he would come in at 10.30 and just stay up there until fucking one. Damn. On Wednesday. Brutal. It breaks your fucking heart.

It does. It's a young comic, you know, and I had nothing to complain about. I was getting spots at the store, but it was nice that you're at least in the improv Farm League. You know, now you can do it. Now they have, like, the room next to it, the lab,

and, you know, at this time, it was just the improv. That's it on Hollywood. And once the show ended, the show, it wasn't like the comedy store runs still, too. the improv would end like at 11 then. Yeah. But even like there was a guy Rick Doeeman who was in Groundhog Day,

really funny guy. He told me when he got into comedy in LA that the improv was told them if you want to hire, if you want to pay somebody to go back there and put the lights on because we have to cut our guy at 1030. Damn.

Pay somebody by the hour. We'll let you do whatever you want. He said, fuck it. It was worth for me to pay somebody by the hour, I would get a couple of comics to chip in. We made flyers. And it goes, at least we perform to real people instead of an open mic, you know. That meant everything to me is that the mics just, as you said, they're so clicky.

I'd be working on bits and there would be comics going up. They're doing inside jokes with other comics in the crowd. And I said, man, I'm trying to build an act. I'm trying to like figure out jokes. No, it's very tough. And you figure out your path. It's like water. We, water always finds a path.

The more we get on stage, we find the path. Yeah. Like, you find the path out of that lunacy. There's that bottom ground lunacy where some of them are homeless, some of them is mental health, you know, Joaquin Phoenix, you know, you know, and then you graduate. Yeah.

Bigger and better things. But that, as time goes on, and also, when you decide, you're not going back there. You know what I'm saying? It also depends on when the comic says, I'm not doing this shit no more. Yeah, it feels good to not. They can sense the desperation

and they know who's going to come back and they just knew what they could, I mean, the comic strip was our first club, so they kind of never gave us respect as stand-ups because they just always saw us as just nothing. How's the comic strip today? I think Jerry Seinfeld and Adam Sandler doing specials in there,

kind of gave it a second win, but it's, they make a lot of mistakes, you know, it's a great room. The room is beautiful. It's just like, there's something about it as a comedy room that's like kind of perfect. But, I mean, they really, they could be booking a lot of really good comics that they don't book. And I think it's kind of always been that way. And I think that's always been the thing on the comics trip. The comics, they don't book them or the comics don't call it to be booked? I think both. I think, I think, I'm sure the first part feeds the second part, you know, I think they just know that they don't. Like, I've, I've given them names of people. I said, you should book this person. They're really good, and they're, and they're going to kill your room, and they're

always like, we'll take it, they'll give them like one spot and then never again. And what about standard of New York? What's that like now? It's falling off a little bit, too. It's, yeah, there's, uh, bad ownership. They just kind of, once they, once they start panicking, they just do too many produce shows, and you kind of lose a good rotation. comics that there should be there. So I'd say in the city, the best clubs, your comedy seller, Gotham, the stand is good.

New York Comedy Club is two locations that are new ownership really good. So those are the good rooms. Those are your favorites, right? Yeah, definitely. And the comic strip, Dangerfields, all those. Dangerfields is pretty rough. They actually shot the scene for the Joker in Dangerfield.

And I think the thing was, it's a rundown club. I heard a story about Dangerfields at one time Chris Rock walked in there and they said, oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, 20 bucks. And he said, I'm Chris Rock. And take a guy just looked at the bartender,

and he goes, all right, let him in. Like, not like, sorry, you're Chris Rock. We might want you to go on stage. Like, all right, fine. Which is like, that just tells you everything, you know. When I went back, this last summer, I did spots of danger fields. I was like eight people or not.

I enjoyed it. Yeah. It reminded me a lot of the comedy store. It had the comedy store feel. Yeah. I have to go to New York in a few weeks. and I'm going to have a few nights. I don't know what I'm going to do with my nights.

I know that I have like two nights. I have nothing. I could probably book a night, but I'm shooting, so I don't really want to get too long. I heard, congratulations. Yeah, I'm getting too involved in this. Yeah. I hate when you think you're not going to do something.

I've got to call Levity Live and go, I'm shooting, you know. Right. I just keep it light and go back and see where the schedule takes me in. Well, I'm sure any of those clubs, be very happy to have you. Yeah, no, I like all those clubs. I enjoy all those motherfucking clubs.

Yeah. I never go down to the commie cellar. I think it's too, it's too political for me. Oh, really? Type of guy that I am. In what way? I can't sit at a table. You could.

Shit like that. You absolutely could. I don't want to go through that. Yeah, but everyone will be happy to see it. You got to remember, I'm a New Yorker. I'm the last of the real New Yorkers. I hate in the head with a fucking table. So before anything happens, why even go to that?

I'm not some guy that moved here from fucking Indianapolis. I'm the last of the real motherfuckers from the West Side. Yeah. Like my summer camp was 148th Street between Broadway and Riverside Drive down there. That's why I saw my first body. But you know, it's not, Joey, it's not going to get to it. This is in your head. No one's like, no one's like, no one's like, who the fuck is this guy?

I've been like, oh, hey, man, it's not like that. It's not like that. I feel, I get what you mean. I feel the same way. the comedy store. Yeah, you walk in and somebody's going to go, what the fuck are you doing here? Yeah, I did a show.

I did my show, my hour in the comedy store on Friday, and of course the guy stodged me at the door like, whoa, whoa, whoa. And I'm like, God damn it, all right here. Yeah, it's kind of weird that. Because it's New York. It's how I conduct myself on the streets of Los Angeles will be completely different than how I conduct myself on the streets of New York.

It's really weird. what I'm saying? Because I know how you have to conduct yourself in New York. If not, you're going to fucking get caught. If you have to beat someone up, take it out of my friend Joe Mackey. No, no, no, no, no. I'm fucking around. I just know that.

Listen, man, comics say weird shit sometimes. No one's going to say anything to you, though. That's all in your head. You're assuming the worst. No, no, sometimes. Listen, dog, I've heard shit even here. Yeah. I hear shit here.

So. That's why I go to the comedy store. I keep them at arm's distance also. I love, it's my home. Yeah. But it's like I can go on there seven nights a week. Sure. Because the younger comics, like, what the fuck, bro?

You're an old man. Go home and fucking, go make a sweater. You know what I'm saying? You're taking the spots. Right. We're going to be on Conan next week. What the fuck? Yeah.

The only Conan you were on was BC, you know, so shit like that. So in my mind, yeah, you're probably right. But I just, uh, I just like, to perform with no drop. I'm the same way, man. Yeah. I like writing jokes and telling jokes. I don't want to deal with it.

The hang stresses me out here and also, dude, the fact that the shows are so spaced out, I'm like, shit, I did two spots like five and a half hours here, you know? It's a lot. Last week. No, it takes forever because like some of the shows, the store usually, but some shows don't give you a spot time, so you're just hanging out. But that's cool that you at least get love at the store. Yeah.

That's real cool. I'm not past to the store, but I'll get. Like Sam Tripoli's been awesome He'll throw me up and you know You're doing Tuesday with Tripoli? Yeah, yeah Way early. I did the last one.

Oh, the last one. Yeah, yeah. I did a late. He's had me on a few times. He's great and I did one last night in the main room Brian Monarch show. Okay. Hot show.

I mean, yeah, it's such a great, it's a great room, man. This store is awesome. But I don't feel comfortable there. It's not, you know, I'm a New York guy, I'm a seller guy, so. Now, when did you, when you first got into county,

you're at NYU. What are your parents saying to you? My parents are pretty supportive. At the time, I think my parents were pretty concerned. It was an excuse for me to just get shit-faced all the time, which they probably weren't far off. You know, when you're young, you're like, ah, free alcohol.

This is cool. But, you know, my mom is an artist. She's very creative. My dad is a lawyer. So I think he's more practical. My mom was a little bit more like, as long as you're not getting fucked up, we support this.

And I was getting fucked up, so they weren't supporting that. And then, And then they started, you know what? The night they kind of, I think, got it is I opened for Jim Jeffries in the Best Buy theater in Times Square. And it must have been like 2,000 people a show or so. And it went well. And they were like, wow, this guy, Jim Jeffries is so good.

And he asked Sam to open. So I think they were kind of like, maybe this isn't bullshit. You know, maybe this is. Because they'd see me in clubs and stuff, but they hadn't seen that. I'd rather take it to get started to go from open mic to find. You know, we were talking about competitions, and I hated the comedy competition so much, dude. Some of them were, but that's what made me work. That's what gave me, that's what got me paid on stage is, is my jokes were very short.

They were even, they're short now. They're even shorter then. So I would do comedy competitions, and it would, they did one called March Madness, which is like bracket style. It starts like one minute versus one minute. Then it's like three minutes versus three minutes and five. So you're going one on one with a comic as they're sitting there. I would open by going, this is like eight mile for Jews. That was my opener.

And then I would have to like just go into material. You know, it was like, fuck, this is intense. And you just sit there while the other person's killing. It's fucking, I hated it. It was my least favorite thing. But I also was like, this is also getting me work. So I, uh, what really put me over the top was this festival called the Laughing Skull in Atlanta. When like 2010 or 11, I did, um,

I did it and I won the festival and the prize was you got some money, but the prize I was excited about was guaranteed. There was like six months to a year of road work. So that got me just on the road. And that was all I wanted is like I want to be a rogue comic. It's crazy how the contest, I did Seattle. Yeah. It was fucking great in 95.

That's a long one. Isn't that like three weeks or six? Jesus Christ. That's a long one. brutal and you're starving you know but it's that camaraderie yeah that thing that lets you know that it just really opened up my eyes that fat i'm really thankful for that one san francisco i quit on saturday i did the san francisco one when i moved up here yeah somebody suggested i should do San Francisco.

And at that time, in 97, it was a scam. Yeah. Just by that time, it was just a scam. Comics were fucking judging. Yeah. It's like me going up. Sam, what up? None.

Great time at your mother's party on night. Really? How's Lee gonna fucking win? That happened to me. Yeah. How's we gonna win if I know Sam personally, Sam. Isn't that fucked up? That was, it destroyed my insides.

Like, I worked hard at the store. I got the limits, the settlement. limits, you know, at six minutes, you've got to wrap it up. At seven, you've got to get off stage. If you go over seven, they deduct the point. I don't think I ever want to judge a comedy competition. No. I think it's awful.

And, you know what, when I first passed the comic strip, they made me do five minutes. And I remember, so they just didn't want to pass me. And I give them some respect for this. They really were still in a hazing, which I think, you know what, is a little, a little, a little, a little hazing never makes you a worse stand up. did hurt at the time because I I just like they would fuck with me a little bit nothing like cruel just like they would they kind of fuck with me were like uh an example as they said you know I was doing really well he saw me do really well on late night once and he goes all right maybe you're ready for an audition and I said I'm ready to work the lineup I felt that Joe Mackie and I were

ready to work the lineup for a while and he said all right we'll put you on they put me on at the end of the late so they do a late night audition but it's at the end of late night so it's like the first time our audition it starts with 80 people and the crowd maybe, you know. And some guy before me had a fucking meltdown on stage. He walked everyone but 12 people. And I'm waiting all night. I'm waiting three hours. I watch this guy just have a fucking meltdown. And I was just like begging him like, please don't walk that last 12. I need this, you know? So I went up and it and it went well for those 12 people. I was very calm. I kind of riffed on what just happened obviously. And I said, you know, I need this. So thanks for

staying and did the act. So I got another shot. And then he put me on. It was a full crowd this time. and three comics were the judges. And I fucking, I killed. It went real well. Sherrod Small was hosting it. And Sharad was like, this dude deserves to work here. He said that before and he said they're making him go through. He's having an audition.

Like, there's like a second time auditioning for the main lineup after he's already been doing the late night for a few years. So I think he should be here. And second time in like a month. And then I went on, went real well. Keith Robinson's one of the judges. I love Keith. And he was real nice. Greer Barnes, who I love was real nice.

And then another comic, I won't even say his name because, well, I do it. But he said, I think you're kind of hacky. And I don't respect this guy's act. So to me, and I didn't then either. And I said, well, I said, well, you know, what are you going to do? That's your opinion, you know. And then the guy who booked the club said, yeah, I've seen that five minutes before. And I said, well, it's an audition, man.

So Marina Franklin, who was already cool to me then, too, who's a great comic. She came in the room. And she was a little drunk. And she said, fuck you to the booker in front of the whole crowd. A crowd's booing him. And they were recording this. I'm sure there's footage of it somewhere, which is fucking humiliating. And she just said, you know, fuck you.

Like, it's an audition. He should be allowed to do whatever five minutes he wants, you know? So then he said, all right, how about you come back and do it again next week? This is the third time now. So I said, all right, fuck you. I said, new five. And he said, all right. So the whole thing goes down again.

It couldn't have gone better again. And, you know. thank God, you know, this finally he's like, all right, fine, you can work here. But it's not like I got spots. I was past, but it's not like you're working. Me, I got a different outtake on this whole thing. I love

my background was being a criminal. And, you know, I had fun growing up and the whole thing. People who live in glass houses, shouldn't throw stones. Yeah. I'll deal with anything. You want to call me a speck whatever you want to do.

I don't. Not even like that, but... No, I know. One thing that really always agitated me until this day when I hear about it, like there's certain people I won't work for because I know they're shitty to young comics.

Yeah. And I don't understand, you know, you and me were cool, but when a comic is young, I don't like when people treat young comics. shitty because I got treated so shitty. Yeah. My first three years in the business, except for my house MC job.

Outside of that, like I was always that guy that was told to be that A30, but when I got there, I found that I had to follow the headliner, and the headline that was going to blow his asshole on fire. You know, I was always that guy that sat there for three hours. I'm not holding a pity party. I'm not holding a pity party No definitely not. I know what it felt like.

Yeah. I know what it felt like going to sign up at 10.30 reading Judy Carter's book. I've read Judy Carter's book. Okay, you know, doing the fucking exercises to the team, staying up to a four, you know, really watching stand up, studying it on, in those days, I didn't have the internet guys.

I had to go to Blockbuster. But you knew Hicks, and that's... But the fact that you say, I think Hicks is kind of... I know some people think he's overrated. I think he's still kind of underrated because he put out five fucking great hours and he died at 33. It's insane. It's insane.

It's insane. It's insane. And his shit holds up hard. That shit is bad. And there was some stuff that was very out there. Yeah. For some people, it's even out there for me. But the more I did comedy, the more I understood what he was doing and why he was doing it.

He was like an old comic with club chops, you know? He, the only time I didn't love him was when he got like a little self-righteous, but like when he was just telling hard jokes, I'm like, fuck, this guy's incredible. His Rodney special is still one of my favorite. Unreal. Pieces of work in comedy of all time. It's like a perfect late night set. It's, it's, and he had a follow dice. That lineup, dude, Robert Schimel.

Yeah, they lit the room on fire. Domera. Every comic was so funny. That was my blueprint of comedy. When I got into comedy, I rented that so much that the piece. people at the video place that don't even worry about no more. Just, just, just, just, you're the only one who rents this. There was two of them.

There was that one with him, and there was the other one with Roseanne. And Kinnison? Kenison. I remember Schimel's opener. It's like one of the funniest openers I've ever heard in my life on that set. I still remember where he goes. I read that a guy got arrested for animal necrophilia. What do you say to the judge?

I'm sorry, Your Honor. I thought the cat was alive while I was fucking it. That's a great joke. He had that biddy hat on there was tremendous. Shimmel was so funny. He had something on there about his mother using a vibrator. Yes. And for years, he thought it was his parents making margaritas in the bedroom of some shit.

All those things were my blueprints of comedy. And it's so weird that till this day, there's people I talk to. I go out of my way to talk to because those first three or four years of comedy, they were gentlemen to me. Yeah. But there's still people who I see on Facebook that would dicks to me that now I want to like throw a fucking dart at them because they fuck with your dream. Right. Listen, if you sell coke and I hit you in the head and take you around, you deserve everything that you got. You're dealing in poisons.

What do you think is going to happen? But in this thing, we're dealing in dreams. Yeah. We're dealing in something that not, you know, there's a big difference. Again, I'm not taking away from nothing from nobody. There's a big difference than me being an electrician and being a comic. But there's still similarities. Yeah.

You still have the apprenticeship, whatever. And I guarantee you when you're an apprentice electrician, they break your balls. They make you go up to the roof to pick up that wiring. They all laugh at you. It's the same thing. It's the same thing. I get it. But there were some people, to me, in comedy, that was just over the top.

I want to make you feel like shit. Well, dude, think about how many comics there are like, shit. If this were easy, think about how many more comics it would be. You know, like, I guess they have to, they have to weave them out somehow. Yeah. But, you know, yeah, those nights I'll always remember. Like, there were a lot of nights like that, obviously, for any comic when you start out. So, yeah, I remember those.

And, yeah, it was, it was, the strip kind of formed me with the type of comic I am a lot, because, you know, you had to kill quickly and you had to, as you remember wait around so How many nights you go down this trip now when you're on? Not, not much. Oh, you don't go down this trip? No, I'm more of a seller guy now because I just... How many nights a week is Essie?

Esty, yeah. I'll do... How many nights does she give you? If I'm in town, usually every night, she's been... Really? She's been, I mean, it's been a while there. You know, I've been there for a while now, so she's been always really good. And that's your two-go place.

Yeah, because... And then you also go hit the stand? I don't work there at a ton, but I like the club. I'm usually at the cellar. or New York Comedy Club, or the two ones they go the most, I think. But I love, I think the stand's a great club. I don't know what New York Comedy Club I did,

but it was great. Yeah, there's two. There's one on, yeah, fourth, and there's one on 24th. The one on fourth. It's great. That was good. You should pop in all of them when you're in town.

That was good. That was good. That was downstairs. Yeah. Down a little stoop downstairs and like a little bar up front. Yeah. That was dynamite. It's amazing.

That was dynamite. And I heard she's got another place. Yeah. Because she's, right. Well, Amy books it and Emilio runs it, and it's great, man. Yeah. She's got a room where you have to do 50 minutes. What, 50?

Right. Ari does it. Maybe. I don't know. A different room? 24th Street. How big is 24th Street? 150, maybe.

They're both not huge. They're just, you know, they're just good rooms. Yeah, I remember. You know who I met at New York Comedy Club of 93? Who? Mike, whatever. De Stefano? No. The kid who does the podcast is Artie Lang.

Oh, Mike Pichetti. Mike Bichette. Such a nice guy. Used to have a joke. I'm from Staten Island. I work on a bakery. I'm in charge of the tarts. That me and my friends fucking lost it.

When he said that, right, we fucking lost it. That's how far back I go with Mike Bichetti. Yeah. And that club, believe of that, they were good to me. Lucius said some horrible things to me. From the comic show. Yeah, before he died. Fuck him.

Brun Hell. The guy at 73rd Street, comedy, we just talked about it. Right on the West Side, Dan. Oh, Stand Up, New York. Stand up New York, that guy was a prick. Yeah. The guy who used to own it was going around town telling people had a multi-million dollar developmental deal, him and his wife, and they were going to give comics deals.

It was just a fucking nightmare. Yeah, man. I remember one night I got into it with him because I went down there with Joe Rogan. And out of nowhere, this guy came up to Joe and he goes, you want to go on next? Or tonight, and Joe goes, yeah. And he goes, look right at me.

And he goes, you don't even ask. And I didn't even know him. Wow. And I go, did I ask you, you stupid motherfucker? Damn. And I remember him looking at Joe and Joe looking at me and Joe going Joe, we can. Now fuck this bitch.

And I remember still Jeff Sussman walking me outside. Like that's a man. how weird it was like for me for a while. So I was like, you know what? I won't fuck with a lot of these people because I'll just strangle. A lot of the clubs you get different. A lot of the clubs you walk in, you work on the way up are the ones you kind of never go back to.

And it's not because you don't like have loyalty. It's like a lot of those clubs just don't do it well. They don't treat you well and they don't treat anyone well. So you're kind of like, I mean, I used to work this club Broadway comedy club all the time. And I'd work the door there and stuff and like me work in the door with this frame. Who the fuck am I going to throw out? Come on, you know?

So it's like, shit would go down. And I remember comics would be like, this is the fucking security. And I'd be like, yeah, sorry. This is what they, this is who they have, me. So I'd have to deal with people. And it's like, I'm not dealing with any. I remember I got someone spat on me on stage there once. Because, you know, I'd work the doors just let me go on stage.

And, yeah, I just, I became close with the, with the wait staff. Because they were just all really cool and nice. And I think they felt like, all right, he's one of us because he's working the door. and stuff. So I remember being on stage once just going at it with a guy. And he just goes, I kind of put him down, but he gets up. And I just, I hear his girlfriend go, not again. And I'm like, what the, what not again?

And I just hear him go, and I'm like, fuck. Spits right in my chest. And I was like, they kind of blocked him from getting any closer to me. But I was like, yeah, how do I turn this set around? I think this one's done. You know, so he kind of waits out. He's like, I'm going to wait outside for you. I'm like, fuck, all right.

Quite a journey. It's fun. But you know what? Those shows now are pretty funny to look back on, you know? Because you feel, like, there's no, you don't, you know, there's never a moment where you're more humiliated than bombing with someone else's spit on your chest. It's just like, fuck it. That's like, that's got to be one of the rock bottom moments, you know?

But it's also kind of, it's also kind of great in a weird way. Because I remember that night this comic Chris Murphy was like, I'm going to walk you out because I want to make sure that if he jumps you, I'm there with you. And I was like, that's a fucking good guy. you know so you kind of make these weird bonds in those moments too right you just remind me of a lot of shit i also had a lot of great things happen but the bad stuff's more interesting to reminisce on you know i i mean god damn the seller's been amazing to me gary goleman recommended me at the club in 2011 and it was like changed my life you know gary gulman's such a fucking great dude and

i featured from once on the road and i got off stage and he goes you're going to be the first guy wrecked the comedy seller i've never wrecked the guy you're going to be the first I didn't even know them. It meant so much to me. So people have been so kind in those moments too. So, you know, the bad stuff's interesting, but the good stuff is fucking. The good stuff is tremendous. The good stuff.

The good stuff is really good. So I'm great. And the seller's been fucking amazing to me. So, you know, when you have a job, if you go to work for me at my freight company, every 18 months by union rules, I have to give you a 1.8% raise. And you feel kind of good about it. every 18 months you got a raise big fucking deal you know with comedy it's not a raise it's like a moral victory yes you get moral victories it's not money it's not even about money if you're looking

for money you're barking down the wrong tree it's moral victories you know the most i'll fuck with a comic is sam come in how many minutes you got man i can do 14 And that's if I talk about the Knicks. Up 10, 2, 12, and then I won't put the light on. Yeah. That's the best thing I could do for a comedy. It's a torture chamber. But finally, at an hour, you're going to go, I thought it was 12 minutes,

but you're going to learn the lesson of your life. I think me telling you, Sam, give me a ride to this gig, and I'll give you 25 bucks, and you're an open mic, and there's 2,000 people there. And also I go, Sam, go do eight minutes. And you're like, I thought I was just driving you. That's my dream break of the people. Yeah.

I love doing that to people. Putting them in bad positions as a comic. Because they have to survive. Yeah. That's how you become a comic. You don't become a comic by, you know, you become a comic by getting put into bad positions. Pts, come here. How much time you got it?

Yeah. And you're like, 21. And that's if I talk about New York City. And the headline is running night. You know what I'm saying? Isn't it funny when people give you an exact? Like I knew a guy Gary Veter's. Oh, I would tell you the truth.

He told you the truth. I always told you the truth. Yeah. I didn't want no problems. Yeah. I was raised by if you're going for a job and the guy says to you, do you know what computer technology is? No, I don't, but I'm willing to learn.

Yeah. That means more than the guy that comes in and says, yeah, I know everything about computer. Well, guess what? Now I have to retrain you, and that might be hard because you're already established bad habits. Yeah. So you follow the same thing?

With me, I'd rather get you. You form them when they're young. You know, form them, boom, boom, boom. That's the torture I inflict on a cop. That would be the torture. Like, we'd do eight. Yeah. And just walk out of the room.

Yeah. And go back in it 29. Yeah. And he doesn't know what the fuck hit him. But he might pull shit out of his ass. Yeah. That he's going to leave there and not sleep that night. Because that's what usually happens on those.

And that makes you right. When you're like, fuck I need to have more time. Yeah. Fear is a good motivator, man. It really is. When you're out of your jokes, listen, I want you to be out of your jokes. Out of everything that you've ever written in a notebook, and you're starting to use Cosby's first album.

That's when I come and give you the light. All right. At least you He's not using the jokes anymore He ain't using them So you might as well go to Cosby now And I'll give you two lights I'll never tell nobody

He's told a Cosby joke I put you in a bad position But it's a bad You know It's it's That's how you get good at comedy Yeah man But then so much good stuff happens

I mean you think about this stuff And everyone has those Every comic has those stories And that's what's cool It's like I remember like seeing guys I used to like hand out the flyers in the street with And you're like, oh, that's like a dude I care about, you know?

Like, it's almost like we had some weird, like, it was really cold. It was New York City. I was drinking out of a flask to stay warm, you know? And then we were splitting a flask and hand out flyers and shit. I mean, it definitely is pretty cool. And you ever do that where you hand out the flyers to people at the show and then they come in the show? You're like, it's a hot show tonight. We got all this person, this person.

And then they walk in and they're like two or four people in there. And then I'm the next comic on stage. And I'm like, you motherfucker, you lied to me. See, when I got to New York in 93, there weren't bargers. Yeah. We would have to sell tickets. Oh, yeah. Same thing.

No, no, no, no. They would give you a book of tickets. Oh, yeah. And you had a leave. They were given to you for $3, and you sold them for $10. And you had to give the club to three. Wow. And I was into it.

I did it once in a. I was really into it. Yeah. And I made money doing it, too. And then one weekend I sold like $800 a dollar with, and I go, fuck, Lucian. This money is mine And I went back and they're like Where's the 30 bucks shows?

I mailed it to you Isn't it amazing that you carry that shit against Lucian still Because I feel the same way Like you never really get over Because it's still kind of like a Like the injustice I'm not mad at Lucian But there is

I say Lucian because he was there Yeah There's people I'm not mad at Because I wasn't even ready to be in their presence Yeah Do you know what I'm saying? Sure

I can't be mad at them. There were people who said things that shouldn't have said it. Yeah. But one of the biggest, listen. Because we can get better, too. That's what they forget. It's like, dude, I'm going to get better.

We're going to come back and eat your ass. I'm going to come back and eat you fucking up. And then you're going to sit there in Vegas. You know, like I always, like there was a lady in Seattle. She didn't like me. I got into a beef one day. Giggles? No.

Her name was Laura Crocker. God rest of soul. All these people are mysteriously dead, Joey. She's dead. She died. She died. My father dead. I don't know what happened.

Like Tony Montana. She was Josh Wolf's manager. Oh, okay. For a while. She managed in Seattle, and she booked rooms. And it was well known that I got into a beef with somebody, and she took that person's side and pretty much banned from booking me. Wow.

But I said, fuck it. I'm a good comic. I got a good 25 minutes. I'm not like anybody else in Seattle. There's no New Yorkers in Seattle. So I would call her every Monday to annoy her and go. Wednesday night, Sam Marell is headlining Chi-Chi's. Because she had like eight rooms during the week.

Isn't that the worst when they have fucking actual a little bit of power? Oh, she had really like good rooms. So I would call her up and say, listen. I wouldn't tell her that. I was snorting cold. with Sam Morel to 8 in the morning. I would just say, Sam said I could do 10 minutes in front of them.

She would go, fine. And then I would go down in 2 to 10 minutes. And the club, the guy who owned the bar, will come up to me and go, why don't you ever work here? And I would say, Laura doesn't like me personally. And that's the reason why. Yeah.

But today, when I'm at the comedy store and I'm rocking and I'm rolling, I think of Laura Crocker because her hatred towards me made me work harder to prove her wrong. Yeah. Even if she's dead today, she doesn't matter. You know, God rest her soul, the whole thing.

I still proved her wrong. She didn't like me over something that had nothing to do with her. Yeah. Nothing to do with her. She just said, I don't like Joey Diaz, and this is the way it's going to be, and I had to live with it, and I had to accept it.

But there were just people who were just fucking cruel fucks. I still want to light their houses on fire, but who gives the fuck at this point? They haven't moved forward at all in their life. They were so busy criticizing young comics and criticizing their tapes and making them feel bad that today they haven't moved forward. Yeah, some of them are dicks,

but they're dicks in like a funny way in a way. So I look back and I'm kind of like, oh, it's kind of funny, you know? Like, I mean, there was this club I played forever in Tampa and I, you know, I started featuring there and it's a really good club. It's called Side Splitters. People love it. Yeah, great club.

But I remember. Bobby Jewel. Oh, my God. He booked me as a feature out of the gate as a young comic. So they took forever, of course, to headline me. But I remember he would just get fucking loaded. Like hairpiece, pinky ring, pissed drunk picking me up in his Mercedes, like just a character, you know?

He still had the club? No. he's out he's out now but uh man he would get in my face and be like you fucking pussy i i leave pieces of shit like you in the dirt and i'm like you can out drink me at 58 yeah congratulations you can fucking leave me in the dirt he would fucking get loaded he'd walk in the bar just fucking ripped his own bar like they would tell me like yeah we're losing like 40 grand a year and liquor sales from bobby he just got fucking ripped and he would walk in and just start he would make a fucking he'd make a fucking he'd a fucked up joke and then someone would look at him,

he'd be like, what the fuck are you looking at? In his own fucking club, to me, I was like, I mean, I guess I'm not the only one getting it, so it's kind of funny. But he would, he would be kind of a dick, but also it's like, I don't know, man, like, when you see those dudes, you're like, well, there's none of you left. So let me just enjoy it. You know what I mean?

Like, how many clubs am I going to go to? No, there's none of those guys left anymore. So it's kind, you do kind of appreciate it. He would just get in my fucking face every time, like, you fucking pussy. I hear little whispers here. and there are people. You know, there's certain clubs. I don't like how they treat their feature acts.

Yeah. You know, I don't want to, listen, you got to be good to the people on the way up because you're going to see the same people on the way. Totally. I'm not here to start wars with clubs. No, no, no. But I hear about a lot of clubs that don't, listen, you hire a feature. Put them in a motel six for three nights.

Right. You know, you're going to pay the feature 100. the set, which is fucking ridiculous. Yeah, it's low. That's 1958 money. It's the same. You know, I can see a 15 minutes set locally or something. Yeah.

Once you make somebody get up, leave their house, get on a plane or a train or a fucking clock. It's like a fucking internship. You should pay them a little extra. The feature, MC money, has not changed in fucking 20. And then some headliners don't let the feature sell fucking merch. I'm like, dude, the guy's getting $500 for the weekend. I don't sell merch to the feature in my headliner.

Whoever I'm working, we can sell merch. Yeah, totally. I don't want to sell merch. I don't ever want to sell merch. I don't want to look at people. I don't want to look at shirt sizes. I don't want to get cornered by a drunk. That's the main.

I used to sell shirts because that was a feature. I had to. When I snorted blow, when I was in need, I couldn't sell something. Can you imagine me now? Like, now I don't want to fucking sell anything. I'm too embarrassed. I'm happy that you came to the show. How's that for you?

Yeah. I'm just ecstatic that you paid the 20 to come to the show. the show. Never mind another 3250 and CD boxes and fucking forks and spoons and spaghetti sauce. You want to buy that shit? Buy it home at your own time.

But I ain't sound like that day. I'm not foot locker. What I got to put on my striped shirt on? And go out there now and fucking what size are you? Oh, you look like a medium. I got mediums in the trunk. Hold on. Get the fuck out of you. There's nothing worse than having to check an extra bag of just

bullshit. And then you leave the shirt. at the club yeah you count 48 and when you get them back home this 20 that means every way there's still fucking two shirts I was so in shirt I didn't make I didn't fuck you I used to sell shirts to the feature because it's like 500 bucks you got to so that's what I totally get it but I remember I was meddling for Burt Kreischer like many years ago and I opened my merch bag of t-shirts and he put a gay porno in there did he really yeah he just and he peeked behind but just so we could see me do and I turned around and you started laughing I was like that's pretty funny I would if

if I was a feature act in today's market I'd sell coke after the fucking show if they let me yeah because it's just a brutal yeah it's just really hard to and I get part of it I used to fucking I still remember featuring for 350 a week there's some clubs still pay there hotel some clubs are 350 well a hotel now. How crazy? $350 without a some probably yeah I'm sure.

I used to get there was a chain I'm not going to say who they are nice people. They're nice people that's still around helped a lot of comic because it depends how you look at it. Yeah. It depends how you look at it. If you look at it well all those

years they ripped me off. No they didn't. They gave you an opportunity to become the comic you are today. you treated that was up to you. You know, you can't get mad at those people. You know what a lot of young comics do though? I've seen, and I was one of them is like you're getting paid shit but you can drink for free

so you get fucking ripped. You're like, fuck you. I'll make my money back with alcohol. Biggest mistake I made. How are you now? You're still drinking? I'm way better. I don't, I chilled out significantly because I had to, man. All the morning flights, all the press, all the travel. It's like my back fucking hurts already. I got

I got a, I don't want to feel like shit every day. What did the special get really? It came out February 10th. So it's been out for a while? It's been out for, yeah, it's been out for almost two weeks. Good. How's it doing? It's, you know, last I checked, it's pushing 800,000 views on YouTube, and I'm pretty happy with it. I hope it keeps moving forward. And, you know, I did this one this way

just because, you know, the last ones just didn't get views the way I hope they would. And it's, you put so much work into these specials. And then for them, it almost feels like sometimes you get a certain amount of money, and it's like a bribe so they'll never be seen. you know and and I need it's and it's so fucked up you're like oh well you'll get paid but uh it's going to be buried on some fucking weird website and no one's going to see like comedy center's last one an ad every three minutes like who can sit through that i can't sit through that you know so uh this one was like the one rule was like no ads i need people to watch this i'm proud of this i worked hard on it i shot this myself because no one wanted to make it so let me let me uh let me make sure

at least get seen, you know? And Comedy Central bought it from you. They did for YouTube only. So for YouTube, they put it up. So I figured they have a big subscription base. They push it like it was an hour special and post about it and stuff. And I think that definitely helped.

So I'm grateful that they helped and bought it and they did it the way I want to do it. What's going on with your Knicks? My Knicks? They ended up playing badly. They traded my favorite player to the Clippers. Marcus Morris. I love Mook.

It's so crazy. I'm so out of the loop and I'm ashamed. You don't be because it's been tough. This is the time to be at. Come back in a few years. I'll let you know when to come back. It's so funny when I see Rappaport. I follow Rappaport on Twitter.

Yeah. And he bitches about the Knicks constantly. And I don't know. Bitching about the Knicks to me is like bitching about the president. United States. You're not supposed to bitch about the President of the United States. Only now do people get to open their mouths every fucking day. When I was growing up in New York City, you didn't bitch about the Knicks. You went home, you shut your fucking mouth, and you bet them again.

And like you said, you prayed to God that they didn't put Phil Jackson in the fourth quarter because that's when I would just hang up the phone and rip up my little gambling ticket. In those days, we got to go to the office and Union City and bet like, Three of us would bet 25 bucks. Yeah. And I don't even, you know, like, I still remember Glenn Gondrazek. Yeah. Do you remember Glenn Gondrazek?

Glenn Gondjazzek was a Nick. He was a white guy. He went to UNLV. Yeah. He was great at UNLV. He, uh, look at see what years Glenn Gondjazek played. Just, uh... What, it was like the 70s, 80s, or what?

Pro college. Huh? pro or college pro he played for the Knicks what years he played for the Knicks Glenn Gland DeZick was a white dude yeah for the Knicks great great player like just

your basic white guy what do you expect from a six for four white guy stroke it just pop 20s yeah and get the ball across the fucking thing and give it to the power of the team and Glenn played for years he played at UNLV against

one of my favorite players of all time a guy named Michael Corrin he played for North Carolina he was from Jersey City and they went out to be a net for years and God knows what else but what does it say there

did he grow up in Colorado yeah he grew up in Boulder, Colorado no shit everyone all your cities man yeah he grew up in Boulder but then when I got the boulder then you get the bigger picture the Gondra's

was like a fucking family of debt and bolder everybody knew who they were damn they had a younger brother the younger brother was better than glenn but he ended up going to phoenix with walter davis and they uncovered like this big cocaine ring in phoenix walter the he had a he had the whatever walter davis was tremendous a tremendous basketball player didn't play any d always an an all-star, Glenn Gondrizek's brother was down there and they got caught up in a coke stank. Jesus. And then their career, but Gangesek, when that played for the Knicks, was very good. Only two years, 77 and 79?

Yeah, what were the average? Like, like eight points if I was lucky, but he was one of those white dudes that just was perfect for New York, he could own like Dollar Bill Bradley. Yeah, dude. It was perfect for New York. Dollar Bill, man. I read about something how Dollar Bill Bradley, uh, in a practice. I think Kazi Russell, who is, you know, the sixth man in the Knicks, he got pulled over just like driving while being black in Michigan.

And it was like a whole thing in practice. And, you know, he just started shit with like, you know, Dollar Bill, maybe some of the other white players in the team. And Willis Reed was like, you fucking hit him again. You're going to have to go through him. Like kind of his way being like, he ain't the problem. You know what I mean? He's your guy. We're a team, you know?

Like Willis Reed just fucking led. He was just a leader, man. Such a badass. Yeah, I wonder what happened because he had a good career. Who? Glenn. Oh. He averaged 14 points,

uh, 3.86, 3 point per cent inch. Oh, nice. Yeah, it should. That was a weird time for the Knicks. So that was when they were kind of like rebuilding. What years were they? 77 to 79. And then like 85 he retired.

We got you in 86. 83, he retired. Not for the Knicks. Somebody else. The Denver. and then he fucking tried to shoot himself with a 22 and he missed his heart. The big joke in town was

you can make a 20 foot of but you missed a fucking heart shot with a 22 fucking miss. Oh my gosh. So he's alive? Yeah, he's alive. He's a realtor or something. They all went to school together.

Him, the big time Victoria's secret model, the one that married Harry Connick Jr., Jill Goodacre. Okay. She owns half a boulder because when everybody else was smoking Coke, she was buying real estate. Her and her father. Every time she showed her fucking little body in a bikini, boom, she bought another house, another park, another parking structure.

And now Jill Goodacre's probably got tons more money in the Harry Connick. Damn. But yeah, Glenn Gondrazek was a neck. Oh, I used to go to all those games, Michael Ray Richardson. Yeah. He's dead. Huh? He passed away.

Who, Glenn? yeah when did he pass away 2009 yeah yeah the Knicks in the 80s man I mean that's they were kind of just and then they got Ewing in 86

and they kind of started to get and they had like fucking I mean this is like I was born 86 so I didn't my first real team was Ewing Oakley Mason Starks Derek Harper oh my fucking beautiful team that's a beautiful team

just as tough as nails we never won but like I don't mind lose him like that we were just fucking I mean of course as a kid it I was like, well, surely we'll win at some point. We're this close every year. What was the last time they won?

72, 73. That's it. Walt Frazier calls the games. He's the last time, man. I met him a few times at games. I even interviewed him once. I used to have a sports show on MSG, the Knicks Network, and I interviewed him.

He was such a good dude. He was like the nicest guy and really did not expect me to know anything about him in detail, because, of course, they edited it for every question to be like, so what's it like broadcasting? but I'm like, no, I'm asking all player questions. Like, the guy used to share a fucking room with Phil Jackson on the road. They'd share hotel rooms. They fucking brought the city together when it's like a mixed race team winning championships.

It's kind of beautiful, man. And they really just kind of made it a boring interview when we had, I thought, pretty amazing conversation. What's the most amazing Nick you ever met? I mean, I fucking love John Starks. I really did as a kid. He was every kid's favorite because he was unpredictable and he was a gunslinger. Starks was pretty cool, man.

but you know i shot a commercial with oakley once and he was so fucking like intimidating oakley was like everything i loved about basketball he's just like the fucking he'd fucking take a bullet for anyone on his team i loved it i was more of bernard king i met him i interviewed him for my show great guy great guy i was a bernard king type of guy but i remember as a kid playing basketball and going to the Knicks and watching. Yeah. You know, unless you're really into basketball and you're into defenses and the science of it, when you watched Walt Frazier and Earl the Pearl.

Yeah. There was something about those two. And they worked together. They know how to steal the ball from you. They would trap you at different situations. You didn't know when you were going to trap. this is when you could hold shorts or Frasier

know how to hold your short hand checking was a lot so they would put their hand on you but one finger one inside your shorts and you made sure that guy didn't pull away from you because then the ref would see the elastic it was a complete different art

damn people would never understand it was hand checking the art of hand checking yeah he wants to go right, you're going to make them go left with your hand. Yeah. If you watch old Julius Irving footage, today, Julius Irving would have got called with 20 offensive fouls.

Julius Irving's trick was a hook. Yeah. He would hook your waist, and he would get that first step on you, and then push you off the hook, and your knee would kind of crumble. That's not allowed today. That was a different game, and Walt Frazier and Earl, they would keep you at that arms distance force you into the middle they would force you to spin and earl would be that a fucking pick your pocket or they'd vice versa it would be that a pick you a pocket the vols voice

back court it was just something that you know it was an honor yeah to to grow up in new york in those days like i consider my tenure in new york like i tell people i'm from northburgh in new jersey when you see me walk and talk you see New York in there I felt it the second I walked in man I went to the Macy's parades yeah eating hot dog with ketchup on and then threw it away

you know I fucking played three card Monday I was with a friend of mine who got his neck stuck in the fucking perb show oh that one's up to you don't really flinch you're like alright it's his city too yeah rats got beat up with Central Park by the river the little water pond

Like people have no idea how much I knew that city with my hand inside now. And when I was fortunate to get a job there at 21 on 52nd and 7th, I would get let out into the city at 1 a.m. From Tuesday to Saturday at 1 a.m. You have no idea what that city was like in 1984. Now. let out at one o'clock it was a constant part and if the nix had won oh jesus you caught the tail end of the fucking parties i mean it was just uh just different bernard king partied i heard i mean he drank he drank and snorted coke they caught him in jersey cocaine all over his shirt then they traded

him st golden state and he got it together he became the comeback player of the year and he went back to New York and there was one week where he scored 60 two times. Yeah. 60 once against Bird, I think. Once against himself, he went off. He went off. And yeah, man, he was a badass. And he was also fucking cool.

Like, he was just nice, man. Like those, he wrote a book about having, like, an addiction problem and, like, how shit he got. Hughie Brown was just a fucking asshole to him as a young player. It's like, I think about that. Like, that dude was abusive and, like, you know, he just. He was a badass. If it weren't for injuries, like, there was no stopping him.

Was it a different city back then, my friend. Yeah. It's still a great city. I got to go back in two weeks. I got to tell you that I'm kind of excited. It's going home. It's just a week. But it will work.

But listen, anytime you want to stop it. That means a lot of me. What's the name of the special on YouTube? It's cold, I got this. I got this, bitches. Yeah. That's what everyone says to you when you self-produces special. They say, you got this, but they don't mean it.

They're just. They're just being nice. They're trying to be encouraging because they know that you might be making a dumb decision, but it seems to be working all right. Where are you living now in New York? I'm up at West Side right now. 66th Street. What do you think?

I love it, man. It's quiet. It's, you know, it's, I mean, it's great. It's just like, it's, my only thing for this place, I was before that I was on 108 and I love that too. I just wanted to be a little closer. Anytime I'd be a little closer to the comedy show that's how I choose where I live. So I like the area of 108th a little better It was a little more like neighborhoody

And I kind of I like the vibe a little better But I mean I love it I miss a 24 hour grocery place I like the grocery shop at 3 a.m. That's my move No one's in there, it's quiet It's nice Peaceful

You throw on some tunes You walk around You grab an avocado You get some cookies It's nice Listen man It's great to have you in studio It was great to be here

Thank you man You're doing your thing and you're on your way up. Thank you, man. I wish you nothing but fucking success, you know. You too, man. Keep killing it. Hopefully the Knicks will turn it around.

I think in a couple years, you know, I think you got to have a healthy level of delusion to be a sports fan, so I got a lot of it, man. I'm fucking. You know, if you look at through the years, I just remember when New England Patriots sucked. Yes. When I grew up, the Patriots sucked, you know,

Andre Tipp, it was all they fucking had. Then they got that quarterback Drew. That's up. Yeah. for a couple of years and then Tom Brady showed up. Blitzel killed himself. And that was the end of that fucking, you know, people, 20 years ago when I came here,

the laugh factory was the hottest club and the fucking strip. Yeah. You can't have a decent bingo game in there. The comedy store, you know, with a fucking armpit 20 years ago. So we shipped. Things shipped, you know. Always.

20 years ago, 30 years ago, they showed you two weeks ago. The Niners were the kings 30 years ago. Joe Montana was the king. Something happened. It takes a while. It takes a while to rebuild and get your legs back. Then you're there again.

Sometimes we don't see them coming, Kansas City. It's not like they were fucking the last eight years. They've been in the playoffs straight. We didn't see them coming. So that's a good thing about watching sports. And even with comedy. Yeah. You know, with comedy, like I said, it's not the, it's the little moral victories

that add up. And once you have 20 more victories, that's when you're ready to attack. Yeah. Little things. Sinatra fell off for a while. Shit. You're allowed to fall off. And then you come back. That makes you stronger. Yeah. That makes you fucking stronger.

You got any dates you want to promote, brother? Yeah. I'll find you. I'm going to be at the West Palm Infov, February 29th. I'll be at the Royalo Comedy Castle, March 5th through 7th. Gotham in New York City, March 19th through 21st. And the following weekend, I'll be in the Charlotte Comedy Zone.

You're a bad motherfucker. I will be at Treasure Island Friday night. Viva, motherfucking Las Vegas with my boy, Dean Del Rizzi. Tickets are still available. Knock yourself out. Friday night, Treasure Island. And then I don't have a date again until March 27 at the Arlington Theater up in Santa Barbara. Real quick, the church is brought to you by.

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Can I say one other thing, Joey? I forgot to say. I actually have a basketball podcast called Pod Don't Lie, which is on iTunes, and it's only basketball. So if you like basketball, just all MBA college. All MBA. Pod don't lie with my buddy Stavros.

It's a ton of fun. No college? We only do NBA. But it's fun as hell, man. No, this is a lot of fun talking to you guys today. Fucking, I'm happy you came on. A real New York, I'm surprised you didn't come on with a butter roll or something like that. Treasure Island Friday night.

I'll see you guys Wednesday morning, tip-top Magoo. Ready to go. I love you, conch sucker. Stay black. Have a great weekend. Have a great week. What the fuck am I saying?