The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #764 - Chelsea Skidmore

Episode Date: February 26, 2020

Chelsea Skidmore, a stand up comedian, actor and host of "The Chelsea Skidmore Show" podcast, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt LIVE in studio. This podcast is brought to you by:  CBD Lion - For all of your CBD needs, from shatter to gummies, go to www.CBDLion.com and use code CHURCH for 20% off.    Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH at checkout for a 10% discount on your first order.

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supplements listen you got these Chinese people walking around with masks everybody's nervous the fucking flu type A type B type C what happens if you're type A and you mix with somebody who's type C now you got fucking bronchitis like lethal than the end of it's not bronchitis my mother told me anyway it doesn't fucking matter on it that's the way to go why alpha brain proven mushrooms the whole thing your brain clearness thinking the whole thing you're fucking thing. All right, you're on top of your game. But the thing right now I like about on it is the shroom tech,

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we're in a fucking casino or some shit. So go to honor.com right now and press in church. Bam! And get 20% off, 10% off delivered right to your house, all right? That's it and that's that. The guest today is the queen, Ms. Chelsea, Skidmore. What's up? What's up with you, man?

Dude, I'm just having to be here. I'm sore. Soar as fuck. Been working out pretty hard the past couple days. Why? What's going on you? We're going to. It's like girls are, we're going to Hawaii.

a month and it's like a fucking count on clock for me to get in shape and be looking good we're going with stephen's family so you know i've been dicking around the past year in marriage just packing on some pounds not working out as hard and i need to look good so i've been doing some hardcore workouts the past couple of days and i got a little bit of time left so what is the hawaiian extravagant middle uh middle of march with the whole family Yeah. You like his family? They're cool.

They're very nice. It should be interesting to go on a family. I've never, I haven't got on a family vacation a really long time. He has a very normal family. Like I come from a dysfunctional family. His family is just like, they're just like nice normal people. Bang out together. Yeah.

Yeah, they do little vacations together. Yeah. No one's getting drunk and crying. Like it's good vibes. Good vibes. So you married well. Yeah, I did. Yeah.

It's good sometimes that. makes you a lot better, you know, that family influence is pretty good to have. But, no, I was just thinking about you the other day. I thought about you a lot because we worked together in Tempe. We had a smoke in six shows. And I just wanted to tell you that you impressed me more than what I thought you were going to impress me. Really?

Yeah, like, you really impressed the shit out of me as a feature act. Like, you were a lot better than I thought you were going to be. Like, I've only seen you at the store doing bits and pieces. but I got to hear you. You know, it's really weird how I judge comics. I could just listen. I've been doing it for that long. You know, there's a scene of the Sopranos

when Christopher Mautasanti brings Hesch music, and he's like, I'm telling you, that's good music, and Hes just like, that sucks. And you think the guy's being arrogant. After somebody's been doing something for 25 years, they know what the fuck is going on. I could hear. I could hear.

You know, I've been trained to hear up to the last minute, I know when you're bombing. I know, you know, I know when you control them, when you don't say anything to let them settle, but you were phenomenal. You exceeded all my expectations, and if you're really looking to be a fucking stand-up, you found your calling, I think. Wow. Thank you.

Because you made me think about a lot of things. You made me think about a lot of things I call injustices towards comedians. But they're injustices towards comedians. but comedians also have to get balls to do it. You asked me something. You said, did you have a lot of hard times trying to get work when you were a feature act? Absolutely.

The truth of the matter was, and I'll say it right now, the truth of the matter was that when I started featuring heavy after 2000, I had already been on the road for nine years, like Dick Matt. I had already been on the road for like six years. but I had been a regular at the store for like three years,

so my confidence is really up. So here I am trying to feature, and the excuse for not following him because he's going to blow your fucking doors out was that I was too dirty. Instead of just saying, I can't follow this bitch. I can't fault that he's been rehearsing for 20 minutes

for the last three years at a place where he has to follow Paul Mooney and Eddie Griffin. and then you'd explain what do you think is going to happen in that room in Grand Rapids, Michigan in front of 220 people. So after 2000, I had a really hard time getting feature work. Nobody wanted to fucking follow me. It's too much fucking work.

Richard Jenny stepped up to the pump. He just said, don't say fuck. And I'm like, I could deal with that. Say anything else I want to say, monkey, punch you in the fucking vagina. Anything I wanted to say, just don't say fuck. He was one of the rare guys. Then Rogan stepped up to the pump.

But besides that, there weren't too many people. Because when you're dirty, okay, so if I go out there and I start throwing heat, and I'm saying, fuck, if you go up there for a pussy comic, he's going to say, well, she's going to say fuck before me, and it's going to lessen the intensity of my fucks. Those are all excuses. And guess what?

I've given myself those excuses. excuses myself. Guilty as charged. Talk bullshit. You go up there and you don't worry about who's in front of you. You don't give a fuck. You go up there and you worry about yourself. If you sit back there and watch that comic and let that comic get into your head, you're losing this battle.

If you look behind the curtain and see people with white air, like I remember when I was a young comic and I'd see people in white air, I'd panic or it was always the crowd. This is just about you. You know what? If she says fuck, you go up there and your fuck has to be a lot better. That's it. That's it.

But there's so many taboos to that question that you asked me and I couldn't answer you that day because people came knocking on the door. What music do you want? Are you hungry yet? You know, you really can't get into a conversation. But those are the taboos of being a dirty

feature that nobody will fucking work with you because there's some people who would just, listen, if you go up on stage, and start talking about the fetus, I'm going to board the baby. That's not funny. No.

You're trying to shock my audience. And you're trying to burn them out. You're trying to really burn them out. They could have just stayed home and watched the fucking movie, don't fuck with cats. You know, I'll just stay home and watch, don't fuck with cats and get depressed by myself. But there's people who are actually dirty,

and they got something to fucking say, I don't care if it's about their vagina or their asshole. When I label my, when I call that. Booker and I tell him I'm the headliner. If Chelsea goes on stage and goes, well, something funny happened to me on the way here. And all of a sudden, you rip your clothes off and you put a sparkler

and your pussy and you shoot octane flames at it. And if you do that for 19 and a half minutes, I better think of something to follow up in those 19 and a half minutes. You know what I'm saying? Uncle Jerry better run to the gas station. They get gasoline and douse on himself and light his feet on fire. You have to do something. Yeah. That's what, that's why you hire. that feature act to make you work a little harder to remind you that you just don't want to go up there

and just do your thing i want to look at that feature act i want to bounce something off her i want to work off her and you were very good thank you we're going to end the podcast right now that's what i wanted to tell you no i appreciate that and like it's great going with you because i really feel like i could do me because you know i've opened up or featured for other comics and in the past like so the first time i opened for a comic was Anthony Juselnick, uh, like five years ago. It was at Largo. I was so excited to do it. He was one of my favorite comics at the time. I still really like him. But I used to be a lot darker back then. And I was like, I'm going to do like all my dark jokes. And I got it. I opened. I got like five applause breaks in 10 minutes. Like, you know, as the opener, like they fucking loved it. I was so dark. And like it was like incredible. And then after that he was like, and I, you know, nothing against him, but he was like, you can't open for me again. And I was like so disappointed and like sad. I was depressed.

And I was like, damn, like I thought this was like, I thought it did great. And he's like, you're too similar to me. You can't do that. And I was like really heartbroken. And, you know, I didn't open for anyone for a little bit. And then Bobby started taking me out. And he would say, you know, you have to, you have to, you know, you have to. You have to, you know, so I would add some.

I would add some fluff in. And, you know, some of it would just be like, fucking just like, just like, just, you know, just to start off easy and then get into it. But like going with someone like you, it feels so good as a comic to just be yourself, to just do you, to do what you want to do and what you shine at. And like, I really appreciate that you allow me to do that or anyone else, you know, that you let people do what they want to do. And I truly feel like I could go out there and I'm not worried about what you're thinking, just as long as I set you up and do a good job. But like, then I'm not being policed and I don't have to be nervous and I can relax.

It's like, it's the best. I don't like anything. Okay, you got to remember, I got thrown out of Catholic school. I went home and my mom said to me, there's two ways to do this. There's your way, and there's my way. I'm going to let you do your way for as long. Once you fuck up, it's my way.

So I learned to do it my way. Right now I'm not going to change. Even in my married life, I love my wife. My wife knows she better not fucking have a call economy store looking for me. Don't ever ask me what time I'm coming home. My wife knows better over the years. And it's not like a control thing. It's just, I don't know.

So when it comes to rules, I'm not big on rules. Yeah. All right. So if I'm not big on rules, why would I impede rules on somebody who's working with me? I had a gift. I had a gift that I met a guy named Joe Rogan who told me, go up there and light them on fire. There's not too many people who tell you that.

There's not too many people. That's the religion of comedy. Somewhere along the line, people get that religion of comedy confused. Yes. Now, we're at this. Now, we're at different situations also. People paying 35 bucks for a ticket.

I want you to be, you know what I'm saying? Yeah, put on the show. I'm from the old school. I'm from the old school. I want the MC to do a good job I want you to go out there and level them and set them up for me and that's it

you know I don't think I've ever told anybody not to do a joke because I don't have the balls to I don't have the balls to unless it's like a joke that you've been doing for eight years and it's like it's time to retire this motherfucker and even then I just won't talk to you no more

because if nothing has happened to you in eight years how interesting of a human being You know, material is based off what you're going through at a time. So when I see a person do a joke for two years, you're telling me, you don't, nothing happens is happening in two years. I don't care whether you shot a special or not. That material should still be elder, but you should be giving me some more from time to time. I want you to kill.

I want you to do those, whatever. So you look at 20 minutes set, you're going to fomingle six new minutes in there. You're going to fomingle it. That's a new word. Yeah. I don't even know what that. Along with it. I wasn't sure would it meant, but I was like.

Formingle means one minute here, three more minutes of good stuff, two minutes here, and then two minutes at the end. And you're like, damn, that worked. Yeah. I mix them with the other stuff. I hit it. I hit it in bushes. You know how to become a sniper, how to hide in bushes, how to throw this joke in between

these two. And it didn't work. Boom, now you close that gap up. You didn't lose anything. You know, so that's what you learned along the way. Yeah. I could never go up to somebody and say, don't do it. that joke

unless it's just something like I'm trying to think back if I have but no I like women opening up for me because a lot of a high percentage of people that come to my shows are women who bring their boyfriends to be nice to them

it's like you know me taking you to fucking see Cher in New York and the guy comes along yeah don't want to see fucking share in New York you know York at some fucking play. Not really, but if Bon Jovi's in a singer song in the beginning, at least I get something out of it. If these things want it, dead or alive, after that I can take another bullet and make believe I'm having a good time. Do you know what I'm saying? Yeah. And that's

why I like to mix it up. I like women in front of me. I don't want an all three guy if I can line up. So women feel fucking lonely enough. Now I got to make you feel lonely. They got to hear 42 90 minutes of dick stuff. That's not fair to women either, you know? Yeah. I like mixing it up. Yeah, and I really try to connect with the women, too. I mean, like, I'll tease the guy, sort of,

but I really try to connect with the women on everything. So it's like, you know, so we're having an experience as well. Everybody's having a fucking experience. Yeah, I know. But, like, so, you know, I know that you, I normally, like, love doing crowd work, but I know that, you know, you prefer just to do jokes only and not to do crowd work. So I was like, fuck, I can't. I was a little in my head about it. I was like, I can't do it. I can't do it. Just stick to the set. And it was totally fine. But I just find a way of

you know, because I feel like I need to some, some comics, you know, they just look straight out and they don't like look at anyone. I have to like connect with people and I'll like deliver something to someone. So like I just found a way to make it work by just no yeah yeah I look at people in the front rows yeah I look at people everywhere the problem with talking to audiences on the road you know how it is at the store it's kind of taboo in LA like that's number one taboo with LA unless you're Rick unless you're Rick you know but I know like there was one of the guy that used to come to the store he used to write in the tonight show He used to do a lot of off-the-top stuff,

and they would always put him up at 9-15 and shit like that. But when you get to LA rule number one and stop talking to the fucking audience. You know, that was rule number one in 1990. When the industry came to see you, stop talking to the fucking audience. You know, there's industry that they don't want to see you talking to the fucking.

So I lost that then. It's not that I don't do it. I'm really good at it. Yeah. Ten years in my life, That's what I did. I didn't write material. I had eight minutes up front and the rest was talk to the audience.

Yeah. And when you get to the comedy store, that shit don't fly. Mitzie sure don't go for that shit. You know, and then... Were you the one who told me the story about opening for Kinnison? No. Who was... Oh, maybe that was Josh Wolfe.

He, I think, went to Texas and opened for Kinnison. And he had, like, five minutes of material and did 30 minutes of crowd work. And everyone was just, like, hating him the whole time, like, booing him. wrong, but he just kept just like talking to like one person in the on. No, it's weird. It's just weird. So that's why it's not that I don't like it. Late show you can't talk to the audience.

They're drunk. Yeah. You cause a war. These are the things you learn as a host. When you're hosting, these are the things you learn as a feature. This is where experience comes in. The 8 o'clock shows, a lot different than the 10 o'clock show. And that 12 o'clock show, don't start talking to it.

Go out there and machine on that shit. That's why the midnight shows that, like they asked me, do you want to do a midnight show in Tempe? Fuck, no. Because, first of all, you don't remember your material. You don't know if he did that joke or not. It's horrible. It's horrible.

And everyone's fucking drunk. And everybody's drunk. Yeah. And it's like if you, and every minute that goes past five, like goes past midnight, it's a worst fucking show. It's the worst show in America.

So that's why I rather not fucking do it. So 10 o'clock talking to people and 8 o'clock. 7 o'clock talking to people. And 9.30 talking to people was two different shows. You know, so these are all little things you learn. You pick up along the way and go, I never thought about that. You know, that's why I hate working clubs that run late. I don't like clubs that run late.

I get the 10 minute late. I get to hold the door for five minutes and still people online. But if I'm doing a 915 show and we start that show at 10, I'm not coming back to your club. because guess who that gets put on me? That 45 minutes, that's one extra minute I got to work harder to get them because they've been standing online, they've been pissed, they've been standing out in shitty weather, you know, they couldn't do coke outside,

they couldn't whatever the fuck they're doing they couldn't do. So now I've got to work a different angle. Yeah. So that's why I don't like places that run their clubs. I like them on time. Boom. Yeah, one of the late shows. I went to the bathroom when you're on

and there was a girl who had like alcohol poisoning in the bathroom on the ground sitting on the ground throwing up in the toilet she had to be like taken out and I was like damn I've never seen someone that drunk at a show but I guess it's a late show you know she's been fucking drinking all day they get together at six

yeah I don't know they start at six they think it's cute yeah it's like who's parting that hard for a comedy show don't you want to hear the material yeah no yeah but I guess some people do some people you know it happens that you ever go to a concert and you walk out you walk out and there's people barfing they timed it wrong yeah but that feels different to me a concert because you're just kind of like you don't need a really process you know what I mean you just kind of like I feel like you could be really fucked up at a concert I guess it depends on how

you take in the music yeah it's always something fucking weird so when you came in here you uh we keep a current in here yeah we try to and this was something that that was something that was really, I talked a lot about it. I thought he wouldn't get convicted. Really? Yeah. Yeah, I thought rape is very hard to prove. Especially when you have women protecting you. Like if you get women attorneys, fucking women turn vicious on women.

You know, it's ugly, but you're trying to keep your client out of jail. But women against women, that's the worst fight there ever is. So I knew that it was going to be down. and there was going to be an uphill, but they got him. You know, he fucked over a lot of people. Everybody knew about it. I don't want people to think that nobody knew what was going on. Yeah.

Everybody was in on it, you know, and then you came in and blew my mind with a bombshell fucking story that he whacked off from funny. When he came, what did he do? Well, I only remember one time, and it wasn't in a plan. I never saw him come into a, we're talking about Harvey Wanstein. For those of you who don't know who we're talking about. He came on the floor on the carpet. Did he get dizzy or anything?

No. It was like, no, no. I just saw him come on. He came onto the carpet and just left it there. And he kept talking to you like nothing happened? That time, it was like the last time I ever saw him. And it was like, break it down. Okay.

All right, so you get here. The years. The year is 2013. Okay, you're 26. I'm 26. You're hot to try it. I'm hot. I moved to L.A.

I want to be an actor, you know, stand up. I had been doing some open mics in New York, but came out here, you know, for the whole thing. And the first weekend I got here, I did a photo shoot. I was living with a Russian supermodel at the time. And she was like, you have to do photo shoots. It helps you with your career. And I was so dumb and naive. I was like, okay.

But I, today I'm like, how the fuck is that going to help me? You know, I see these girls who waste their time doing photo shoots on their fucking Instagram. And it's like, why you write a joke? You know what I mean? Like, why you fucking getting dolled up and spending $500 on hair and makeup and doing a photo shoot? Like that, I don't know.

Anyways, it's fun sometimes. But so I did this shoot with this guy, this photographer who was very good, did a lot of, like, sexy photos. And he was like, oh, you have to. to meet this producer. He tried you? No. He didn't.

I think he was a purve, though. I think he just wanted to see me in lingerie. It was like lingerie shit. Again, I don't know how this shows. That was funny. So he goes, I got this producer. I want to introduce you to. He'll really like you.

He ended up producing Requiem for a Dream, which was one of my favorite movies growing up. I had it on VHS. I was so excited to meet him. And so I'm texting with the guy. He goes, come meet me right now. I was like, okay. So I met him for coffee after the shoot. I was like, oh my God, this is like all happening so fast kind of vibe. So I'm hanging out with him. We're having coffee. And he's like, you're so funny. You know who would really like you? Harvey Weinstein? And I was like,

Harvey Weinstein? And he was like, yeah. He's like, I could introduce you like he loves meeting young actresses. And I was like, okay. So a couple days later, I'm fucking meeting him at the peninsula. And I'm thinking, oh my God, I've been in L.A. for a week. I'm already meeting Harvey Weinstein. I'm having a great fucking week. You know, I'm doing L.A. right. And I get there. I walk into the lobby and he's in the bar with like two female assistants and they're drinking coffee and stuff. And he's like, let's have the meeting upstairs. And I'm like, great. You know, I figure he needs privacy. You know, he's Harvey Weinstein. Like, you know, he doesn't want to have a meeting. And he's like, you know, he doesn't want to have a meeting in front of all these people people are going to be coming up to him i think nothing of it we go up

in the elevator we're in the elevator and he looks over at me and he goes how old are you and i was like 22 and he goes no you're not and i was like 26 he goes that's more like it so we get up to the room we're hanging out and i'm telling him about myself and he goes i want you to write a sitcom for me about two girls living in L.A. And like, dumb, dumb idea. But at the time, I'm like, okay. You know, he's probably just spitting out what I want to hear. So then he goes in the bathroom.

He comes back. He's in a robe. And I'm like, oh, okay. He might be getting ready for a shower. It's time for me to go. And then he's just like, can you give me a massage? And I'm just like, I'm so bad at massages. I'm not good at them.

So he gets like a little annoyed. And then he's like, and then he just takes his dick out and starts jacking off. and I'm just like sitting there like, uh, like there wasn't much of a transition in between that. And I didn't say anything because like to me like this first time like I wasn't outraged. Like it was almost like funny to me like, uh, okay, you know? And then he was like, um, so he just jacks off and I sat there kind of in shock. And then he was like, write that. And then he comes.

I don't remember that particular, you know, I'm assuming he came. And then he was like, okay, write that pilot for me. And I was like, okay. And then I just left. And I didn't see him for a while. He texted me a couple times. But, you know, I, it kind of just like nothing happened. So I didn't really think much of that, you know?

I was like that. It was more like that was, I was outraged at first. I was, I was just like, what the, that was a weird fucking day. You know what I mean? So a couple months go by and I ended up going. to the Cannes Film Festival. I was dating a studio executive for Paramount and he took me with him to Sundance to Cannes. It was very fun. And we see Harvey there. You know, he's like all over. And he was like, hey, like come by, come by my hotel like tomorrow afternoon for lunch. And I was like, I'm not going up to your room again. And he was like, he's like, no, no, no. We're just going to have coffee downstairs. And I was like, okay. All right. So I go there. He's downstairs in a meeting. And he's like, I forgot something. something upstairs. And I was like, okay, I'll wait down here. He's like, no, and just come with me. And there was like an assistant with him. So I was like, okay. Like, maybe this is going to be okay.

So we get, we go upstairs and then he starts getting weird. And he's like trying to, he's doing weird shit now to his assistant when I'm just sitting there. And I, I can't like, like, he's trying to, you know, make her like kiss him or something or do something like that. And I'm like, all right, I got to go. And he's like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. And I'm like, no, no, no. I'm like, no, no, no, it's fine. I'm going to go. So I ended up leaving. I see him like the next night out at a party. He's like, come sit with us. The guy I was kind of dating. We were all like hanging out together. It was fun. It was no big deal. We party hopped around. We went to like clubs and shit. A couple months later. Then I see him in L.A. And he's like texting me to come back. Or maybe it was like a year

later or something. He's texting me to come back. And I was like, no, I'm not going to come back. Because at this point, I know what the deal is. And he's like, no, no, no. It's not like that I'm going to get you an audition. So I don't see him. He gets me an audition for this movie.

What was the boxing movie with Jake Gyllenhaal? South something? Southpaw. Yeah. Southpaw. Southpaw. So he gets me this audition for Southpaw. someone in his off, oh, I had a meeting with someone at his office.

They're like, make sure you call us after the audition, you know, to like seal the deal kind of thing. Nothing ended up happening with it. Maybe I didn't have a good audition. And, uh, and then like, you know, a couple months go by. I like send him a stand up tape. Looking back, it was so fucking bad. You know, like those first standup tapes you get. Oh, that's terrible.

I can't believe I sent that to him. Not that it fucking matters now. But he was like, I loved that YouTube thing you did. he was like he was like you know work on your half hour i'm going to get everyone in town in a room together to watch you and like you know watch you do like a half hour or something he you know promising me things so you know trying to get together with me and then finally he he sees this movie don't think twice mike berbiglia's movie the improv movie um and he's like he's like come by the peninsula i was like no i'm not going to come by and he's like no i just saw this movie i'm

thinking about turning it into a series. This is your world. Let's talk about it. He's like, I'm having drinks with people on the roof. People you should meet. And then I'm like, fuck. And, you know, a voice inside me was like, don't go. But I was like, I don't know at the same. I was like, uh, I have to see. I don't know. I was dumb. I look back and I feel bad for my younger self that I, you know, fucking dumb. So I get there. I go up to the top floor where everyone's supposed be for drinks. He's outside the elevator. He goes, we're going downstairs. I was like, no, no, no, no, no. I thought we're going outside. He was like, we are, we are. But I forgot saying downstairs. Just come with me. And I'm like, no, I'll wait here. And then he does like the

dick, like, thing when he's like, like, kind of like condescending like I'm dumb. Like, no, just what are you doing? Like, come downstairs. And I'm like, okay, okay. You know, I was like nervous. And then we go down there and he's like, come sit with me on the bed. I was like, no, I don't want to. And I had like an ass. And I had like an ass. attitude this time. Like I was fucking done with his shit. And I'm like sitting on the couch. And then he walks off into the other room comes back completely naked. And I'm like, I'm going. And he goes, no, no, no, no, no. Come over here. And I was like, no, I'm leaving. And then he grabs me like this. He goes, just stand next to me in front of the mirror. And he pulled me, made me stand next to him in

front of the like long bathroom mirror and he fucking jacks off and comes all over the carpet. And then I grab my purse and I left. And I like got my car and was like hysterically crying. And I was and just like my life changed after that day because I just never made a dumb mistake like that again. And like I get all of that is like all of that is crazy. Like I look back and I'm like, how could you be so stupid? But I was. I don't know. I don't know what I, I'm an addict. Like, I'll do the same thing over and over again, expecting different results. Like, I'll put my hand on a fucking hot stove like five times before I'm like, okay, I keep getting burned. So that's like basically the gist of what happened. And then,

you know, a couple of years went by and all this stuff started coming out. And I felt like really emotional about it. And everyone's like, come forward, come forward. And I paused on it for two days. I called up someone at the Washington Post who was writing a big article about it. And I told her my story. And then I was a part of all of those little articles, all these different news sources picked it up. And while all of that was going on when it first happened, I felt like very emotional over it. It felt like it brought up a lot of trauma for me. And I was like a wreck.

Like I just like, so then I just stopped talking about it. And people would always, you know, since then, for the past two years, people have been messaging me about it or maybe the past four years, I think now or three, however long it's been going on for. I've been messing me trying to get me to talk about it. And truthfully, I never wanted to talk about it again. And I never like, because I just felt for one, embarrassed too. I didn't want to like bring up the trauma again. But this morning when I saw that he was guilty and in jail, I felt like a little bit of freedom that I could talk about it today. on the pod, you know, but like, I don't know, that's basically it. Now, here, let's take this a little deeper now. Let's say you would have run home that afternoon and call the cops and said, I just went over to Harvey's. He jerked off him from in front of me. They would have written up a report, and you would have never heard from them again.

How many think, how many girls do you think that happened to them in Beverly Hills or in L.A.? Yeah, I don't. happened to you just in a week. Yeah. Think of what he was running with and what he was playing with. I thought he would get acquitted or beat it and then write a book about the girls that did sleep of them. Who and Hollywood did sleep with him. Like that, that would be his next move to really say a fuck you to Hollywood.

Let me tell you who did sleep with me. Let me tell you who doesn't deserve this Academy Award. Yeah. I'm sure there's so many other people. No, I heard. I heard that there were. but here's what to add to this like you know I love me to death yeah but you're a woman of the world yeah you're just saying your first rodeo oh and it yeah I mean you're in New York

city trained fucking uh mafia club danced yeah I came from that world so this wasn't as shocking to me until it was the third time when it just wrecked me but here's the other thing that I'm thinking about like this is why I hated that desperado feeling, like that feeling of succeeding here because it does make you do things like that. How many women, if he got one woman a day to go up there, Diage are in his favor. Three of them are going to suck his dick.

Yeah. Oh, I'm sure it was a weekly thing. And one week, four of them are going to suck his dick. But it's going to go from three to four women. in a week if he brings one up there every afternoon. What if he brings one up there every night? Yeah. To a party. You know,

the Annabella score, you know, I mean when it comes to Hollywood, all bets her off because this could have never happened anywhere else except here where you go back to a party and he re-raps you. It was just too much. Yeah.

It was just too much. But this could only happen here. Yeah. This could only happen in this type of, like, agent sent you to meet with him. Yeah, I this really big producer, a separate guy sent me up at a meeting with this really big production company who made every like awesome comedy that I grew up on. And I had a meeting with the development executive. And I walked in there and he goes, are those your real tits? And I was like, yeah. And I thought this was a professional meeting. And this was in his office with people like walking around on the other side of the glass. And he goes, stand up, do a little spin. I want to see

body. I was so fucking shocked that that happened. That felt like, you know, like, I've had like millions of things like that happen in my first year here. And then it like broke me and something snapped. And I was like, never again. And I'm, I'm a little grateful in a way because it kicked me into high gear. And I've never worked fucking harder after that, you know? And I was like, I'm doing the dumb girl thing where I think if I have a meeting with someone and something gets handed to me because I'm cute like it's like no do the fucking work like it's not like I wasn't doing the work but it was like a mindset switch you know it's it's fucking crazy yeah it's like you know girls being like always handed free drinks and you're just like one of those dumb girls you know fast life and then like

reality sets in and it's like okay I can't live like this anymore and like be a part of that like mentality and scene of people who operate like that you know what I mean Yeah, but it's not just girls Like if Harvey Weinstein was gay And I invited straight guys up there Yeah There'd be hundreds of straight guys No, like it's

Just the because you think your dream's coming true So you're gonna Yeah It feels like you know I know I'm from New York I'm smart But like I could be You know

I was so dumb You know It felt like I was Right out of fucking Wizard of Oz Like what? Huh? Like I don't It's weird

It's almost like, I don't know if it's like denial or like just hopeful that something else, this isn't it. It's crazy. The mystique of, I didn't see the mystique of Hollywood until I saw Never, Neverland. That's when I got it. Finding Neverland? Yeah, whatever. The Michael Jackson thing? Yeah.

Because, you know, you take two people from Seamy Valley, wherever the parents were from, hardworking Americans, you know, and then Michael Jackson. steps into your life. Next thing you know, do you want to go on tour? Well, you know, I could see me saying, hey, do you want to go to Tempe? That's one thing. You want to go to fucking Australia and bring your husband and bring everybody on the fucking floor you want and then, you know, to see how they got caught up. Who would think Michael Jackson will molest my kid?

Yeah. Do you mind if he sleeps in the room? I mean, other kids are going to be in there too. And your kids coming up to you going, please, please, daddy, please daddy. And you're like, I guess so. You know, I mean, you get caught up. People got mad at the parents. And I got a little upset when I watched it.

I did too. But you have to really think about what goes on here, how it goes into your psyche. The bottom line is, if you move here and you're not prepared for this, delete you up and spit you out. It's a horrible, horrible, horrible. horrible business. And as a woman, you've got to be on top of your fucking game every day. And you got to do like Clemenza told whatever that you got to stop guys like they should have stopped Hitler at Munich.

First move. Yeah. First disrespect. Whoa. Before we even go any further, you say something like that again, I'm smacking the fucking Jersey style. And the whole thing changes because this is not a top. This is not a town over people except responsibility.

Now you become difficult to work with. Totally. That's the term. You're difficult to work with. Why? Because I wouldn't suck your dick. Because I wouldn't let you say to me nice ass. Because I wouldn't let you say, come here, let me spank you ass real quick.

Nobody's watching. If you speak up for yourself in this town, for people who don't know, you become a term that's called difficult to work with. Yeah. That means the director could say to you, you look stupid in that blouse, and you have to accept it. Where you being from Jersey would go, tell your mother to suck my dick, and he go, you know, and then, you know, but now you're difficult to work with. And when you go to your agent, and your agent goes, what happened? And you go, he told me he had nice tits.

I told him to suck my dick. Well, you can't tell, you know, Jocko Jocomazzi to suck your dick. Well, I just did. I just did. And three or four people are going to go, shame on you. Shame on you.

Whatever your fucking name is, Chelsea for telling Jocko Jocomazi to suck your dick. But there's going to be one guy's going to go, fucking good for you. Now I'm going to put you in all my fucking movies. Yeah. Because that guy's a fucking punk. Thank God you told that motherfucker.

And that's the problem that we don't have. Yeah. That when we come here with Green, we want to do good. You know, your parents are breaking your balls. What's going on out there? I just sent you another 800 for the rent. Yeah. Well, I met with George Clooney last night.

We did an orgy with Lucy Lou. Yeah. You know, he's going to put me in his next Army movie. You know, you got that pressure kind of. So, listen, and I tell people all the time, If I did the longest yard, I drank the Kool-Aid. Hmm. I drank the Kool-Aid.

There was a couple months that I drank the Kool-Aid. In what way? I don't know. I didn't, I believe that more things would have happened in my career. I thought that I had moved up a notch. I really drank the Kool-Aid and I, and then it was tough to accept. And what pissed me off was where I was from, guys like me don't. drink the Kool-Aid.

We see it for what the fuck it is. And ever since that, I never drank the Kool-Aid again. I remembered that before this whole thing of comedy and acting and movies and this whole life. I'm a man, I'm a husband and a father.

And you have to respect me from that perspective. That acting stand-up shit, you talk to me the wrong way, you're going out of the fucking window. Yeah. Because it just doesn't. And I did it. Like, I went out of director one time. It was tremendous. And now I just go at him if I don't agree. And I'm not saying I'm hard to work with. What I'm saying is I don't take shit. Talk to me the right way. Just because

you got a little hat and a parrot on your jacket and a tattoo of a fucking sailor with your sleeve up. You know, there's a couple of lesbos. You had a pirate director. Oh, I've worked with, you know, I've been on a set with a lesbo that's confused with a military haircut. Yeah. With little Chinese Lesbo next to her and they're real artistic because they take a picture of a cigarette burning in an ashtray. You can suck my dick with your lesbo attitude. I'm the Captain Kirk because it's fucking under the prize. You understand me?

Yeah. So get the fuck out of my... There's all of them. They come from all directions. Yeah. One of the first people I ever worked for, one of the best directors I worked for is the girl from married with children. Oh, yeah, yeah.

Katie Siegel? She direct... No. Christine Applegate. The other one. The neighbor's wife. Oh, Ted. She directed me in Mad TV.

Ask Nicole Garcia. Oh, really? Yeah, she directed me in. She was the first director. She was phenomenal. Marcy was her character's name. Yeah, I didn't even know she was a lesbian in real life. But then I did 10 projects after that where the lesbian is smoking like out of a fucking French cigarette.

And, you know, she comes over to you at orders. And I would tell them, give me a favor. Take a fucking hike. And you should have seen their faces. Like, I was okay until about 2002. and then I started seeing it for what it was. And I was still polite. And then after the longest shot, I just won A-Wall

because I got lied to. For years, I got, Lee, we're going to hire you for this movie. There's no money this time. But you're going to fall off the building and do this. You got to be there Sunday at 6. You got to bring your own dry cleaning. You got to stitch yourself up, and we're going to hire you on the next one.

And then they do a next one, and there's nothing for Lee. then you bump into the guy at Rouse, and he makes relief like he doesn't know you. Yeah. I can't tell you how many times that happened. Yeah, that... Where I sacrificed my life for three days. I turned down a comedy store gate, $15 to do your stupid short film,

and then once you sell your short film and you get money, you don't use me. Now you go use Steve Sharipper. But when you needed me for the mob scene, you were all over me when it was for free. Now that you have money, you don't pay me. So now everybody has to pay. Yeah.

Like, after $2,000. There's no shot family. Like, yeah, but it only pays $100 a day. Listen, it's your dream, isn't it? When you approach you with this movie, this movie is paying scale. Now it's paying $100 a day. This is your dream. That's your problem.

Mine. If this is how you want to portray your dream by paying actors $100 a day and then doing a shitty job, and you're going to wait until you get all the fucking, money. Go get all the financing and come back. But I've done a thousand projects that were do this one for free. I remember doing a fucking, what's those things you do for free that you it's like me saying to you, a spec. I still remember doing a spec commercial for somebody on a Friday night when it was fucking freezing and they didn't pay us so you had to do it on Friday night

at 10 at some cemetery what looked like a cemetery because his buddy dug a hole. Yeah. And it was me and another gangster. And we just finished throwing the body in the hole and we're about to dig it up and I go to him, go inside and get a lighter for the cigarette.

And he goes in, this is a true story, guys. A guy goes in and the battery's dead because we left the lights on. And it's like, don't get stuck in this position. You see his batteries. So it's two gangsters. digging up a body and then they realized the battery's dead because the lights.

I did that spec script. That guy fucking told me that he had him, the company, his brother-in-law. Do you know they shot that fucking commercial with the same casting director who called me for it for free? And even the guy that did it with me called me and he goes, Tommy, you're not watching

the fucking whatever game. I just saw that. And that was it there. I was like, I'm done. That's fucked up. Yeah. Two in the morning for free. And then when he got the financing, he used two other mafia actors.

That's, yeah, that's fucked up. I got a thousand of those, by the way. Yeah. I got a thousand. So the stand-up world, that's a complete different mind fuck. Wait until you touch into the acting world. Yeah.

The acting world is completely different. They'll tell you whatever you need to hear. Yeah. A short film. I work at this. You know what I'm not. how many movies I did that you already had the movie sold. You already had the movie sold.

Your brother works at Paramount. The movie sold. And all of a sudden you get added. And also I got a call. Hey, do you know anybody at YouTube that can put my movie on YouTube? You're like, what happened to fucking CBS? Yeah. Oh, my cousin got fired.

I worked for free for 11 days driving to see me valley or some shit. I've been burnt to you a thousand times, gentlemen. It's like, yeah, or like people pumping you up. like they want you for something. And it's like, you came to me with this. So excited. And I'm like, okay, cool. And then you just never call.

And it's like, what was the point of fucking just blowing my head up like that? Like, why do it to begin with and get me all excited? And then like a week later, nothing happened. Yeah. The stand-up world is one fucking armpit of a world. And then you get into the acting world, which is even worse in a way. Like, I don't like it all. And, you know, like we discussed in the beginning, you know, people.

People act like you're going to sit there. You're going to fucking look me in the face and tell me all those years. Not one security guard saw a girl leave Cosby's trailer with her legs dragging. You want to look me in the face and tell me that. That's fine. You want to look me in the face and tell me about the, listen, Harvey Weinstein, he's a piece of shit. Yeah.

People have been doing that in Hollywood for years. They'll continue to do it even though there's a Me Too act. because it's like drugs, there's always a market for it. You know, if me, you, your husband, Lee, Joe Rogan, all of us get together, and we go, we're not working Johnny's Comedy Club. There's always going to be one person who's going to work Johnny's comedy. Yeah, I already can think of who. So our mission is fucked.

You know what I'm saying? Yeah. So our mission is not complete. This, you know, he went to jail today. I mean, they reprimand him, the whole thing they threw him behind bars. this shit still fucking is terrible in that way yeah i wonder if he just threw the walker and was like all right i don't need this anymore like oh you're guilty you know what i mean you know how he was walking with the fucking walker he's like fuck this like you know for the sob story i mean what

a fucking hollywood disaster yeah i'm not i'm i'm yeah i am really glad though i i stopped following like the story you know the whole new story of everything going on but like when i it's weird It's like, but when you hear that he was guilty and acquitted, it's like, oh, I don't know. It just like makes you kind of like breathe easy in a way. Like I don't have to like, I don't know, it felt like some big secret before and now I'm just like, all right. Yeah, he's done. He's still going to do 20 years. Yeah.

But when he's locked up, it's like, oh, I feel like now if I say something, like it's not going to matter. No. Like it's not, you know, there is still that little part in me that's like, so. you know, like I was saying, like, all these, like, news people kept, like, emailing me. They would hit up my manager, wanting to talk to me. And I didn't want to add more shit that would pop up on Google for my name. Because I didn't want to be difficult or she's a narc or like, she, she's difficult. She's going to make a big deal about something. Like, I still, even after everyone saying how fucked up it is, it's like, I don't want people to look me up and be like,

oh, she's one of those fucking girls. You know? The Moonies. Dude, the Moonies lived in my neighborhood. There was a fucking Mooney, like, property in my, like, coldesack. There was, like, a lake and a fucking Mooney house and a Mooney church. You're talking about the church of Reverend. Yeah.

Thong, yeah, Moon. Yeah. Fung your moon. Reverend. Yeah, yeah. How weird is that? I didn't really know what that. I didn't really understand what that was.

It was just like, that's the Mooney's and I didn't know what that meant. I didn't know. still around. Yeah. I just met it as an expression. I haven't heard it in years, the monies. Yeah. Was that mostly on the East Coast or all over?

I think there was a cult. I don't remember. Yeah, it was some kind of like, it was like a Korean church. Like, and it was the moon. Yeah, I don't know. They all live together in this one house. And then a girl who was in my grade was a Mooney.

And she got like an arranged marriage after high school, I think, to like another one. But I still don't. the real thing that really has shocked me about this whole comment, and you have a great sense of humor because you even laughed about it. Like, when he jerked off, he thought it was kind of funny

and the whole thing. Yeah. But it's like, I mean, like, again, you're not you're not Mother Teresa. I was a stripper before that. You've seen the world by the ball, so I'm not judging you or anything. I love you. Guys have jacked off in front of me before that,

just friends. And I sat there and laughed with my girlfriend. Look at this fucking, you know. Yeah. But it's funny that you felt something. You felt cheated. You felt dirty. You felt, uh, assaulted in the way.

Like you felt, you felt it. The after that last time, the third time, I went back. I was crying in my car. I got back to my apartment. I was cry. I was hysterically crying on my hands and knees on the floor of my apartment that day. Like it, like, it, like, it, It like rocked me.

And it wasn't only like that. It was like everything that happened leading up to that kind of thing. And then it was just like this thing that like changed in me. But it was for the best again. Because it's like I would not be working as hard as I was today if none of that happened. Well, it just sped forward to show you what this time is about. I believe everything happens for a reason. And it was time to start being, you know, stop being dumb.

I mean like, you know, I think I was like a bit of a dreamer in a way. like my head in the clouds you know like yes i am from new york you know i am street smart in a lot of ways but i think i just had that whole thing of like moving to l a and it's like you know like city of dream city of hope like kind of vibe i think i was just like kind of an idiot just like wow like maybe that's like how things happen i don't know i like you know i i feel like that's probably like an immigrant who moved to fucking new york back in the day or like from l l Island or something and was like this is you know and probably got some shit handed to them you know what I mean right no no I get what you're saying it's I like I said I didn't drink the cool aid till 2005 2005

2004 I had been here seven years and I knew what it was and then after I drank the cool aid and came down from it it was like it took me by the year to recover from it seriously it took me a long time that was the end of my drug use like the way Once I came to terms with what this was, that was the end of my drug use. That was the end of living like a weird lifestyle. I settled down and I knew what I wanted and I knew who I was going to avoid.

Yeah. I knew I wanted around me, you know. There's people that come to this town with a dream and a scam. And there's people that come to this town with dream and work ethic. There's two different times of people that come to this town. And eventually you see the people. come in with a dream and a scam. It's a dream and a scam.

It's every move they make is a scam to try to accomplish their dream, but it never does what the hard work does. You might pass me by a little bit, but in the long run, it's a long run. It's a journey, not a fucking, it's a marathon, you know, so that's what I always felt. That there's a lot of, like I told you before this,

I love New Meek. new meat I love being I love being a comic and seeing new meat like when I was a comic my third year like I

when you're doing comedy three years in one scene whether it be Denver Boston Charlotte Atlanta you know now you're up there

with the open micers you're allowed to talk you're allowed to sit at the table and then young girls come in like you that's new meat and they come in and they go up on stage and we all laugh at your jokes because you want to fuck right you get a standing ovation you know what I'm saying the first night oh my god I didn't know is this funny you're hilarious let me help you write and also yeah yeah you know and that to me was like

you know and I probably did it myself I don't you know I can't you know that's how you learn not to be creepy is by being creepy and getting a real yeah oh I've went to coffee bean with a certain paid regular a couple times in my first couple years at the store because they thought I was funny and just wanted to help me a little bit yeah right now I avoid that guy right yeah no so it's it's it's just and that is even a bigger like all that shit bothers me because when you do drugs when you fucking if you're hooking if you're doing something that is on the other side of the fence weird things are going to happen to you because you're on the other side of offense.

But when you really believe in this, whether it be stand-up, acting, writing, directing, and people fuck with your dreams, it hurts a little more. Yeah. Like, that shit hurts a little more. You know,

so I'm happy that they threw that fight. I never like Cosby anyway, so I could give a bunch of him. I could give a fuck about Harvey Weinstein and his scene and his movies and his people. Yeah. I don't like none of those people. Anyway, I don't give a fuck with everybody

but made one of their movies or not. I can't care less, you know. But I'm happy that, uh, I studied it from a legal point of view. And I thought he was doing okay. He was doing the right steps. The more longer he took,

the more witnesses would disappear. More times to discredit the girls. You know, I know that she ate apart Annabella Scoria because, wait a second. so he raped you but then you came back to his party you know shit like that that's Hollywood shit yeah so he raped you and you're gonna come back to his party you're from Jersey I rape you

next time you come to a party to your three brothers with a stick yeah you know what I'm saying yeah yeah yeah so that's why she lost credibility you when you're an actress and all that shit you kind of are gonna lose credibility and I'm sorry to say this I have a daughter yeah you know it's it's so hard to prove a rape case so fucking hard without, you know, even with the DNA they could miss, oh yeah, they can mishandle

the fucking shit in the lab the guy didn't put a glove on you don't fucking know. You know, look at the OJ trial. The guy took the blood home. Why would you take the fucking blood home with shit? Do you usually take evidence home with you? Yeah, well, it was getting late.

That's it. You walk out of the court crying, I shot a load. You got to. a rip pair of pants, everybody's happy. That's it. I mean, that's it. That's basically it. So I knew it would be an uphill battle, especially from years ago, every conversation. It's money. How long can he last? He hired people and he fired him. That's an old stalling.

Because the longer I take, the more you change your story. I'm going to keep sending investigators to you house. Tell us again about the night of August 4th. Did you have a red shirt? Well, when I asked you in September, you said that you had a red shirt on. Well, fuck, how many times are I tell this story? That's what was good on you, right? You told your story and you got out because that's what they're looking for, to trip you up. Yeah.

Well, I didn't mean I went up there. I meant that his assistant. Yeah, I didn't want to fucking talk to anyone else again. It was a one-time thing, and that was that. And then they'd just copy and paste it into every other fucking new source. Yeah, so you did good. Yeah, I think it was just embarrassing. because, you know, you read the thing on everyone and mine's like,

Chelsea went back several times. But it's like, you know, I noticed a lot of big actors. It was like they went there one time in 1997. He pulled his dick out and they left immediately. I don't think so. I don't think so. They probably went back a couple times. Or if not, they probably, I mean, I don't know.

It's hard to, I was just telling the truth about what happened with me. I feel like other people might have had a different experience. but I felt dumb in comparison like ugh that does not let go and that was his great playground with those film festivals right I think the peninsula

yeah I saw I think Rose McGowan had something at was it Sundance or something right like that was his big thing but yeah well he's like the king of the film festival you know like when you I remember I think I saw him at Sundance and you're sitting behind a blocked off rope at a party

and everyone's trying to talk to him at fucking can you know he has the private table with all these like hot actors and like the studio executive guy I was with was like can you introduce me like you know before all that shit happened like he was the fucking man you know like he was like the number one like key to the kingdom guy for like so many people so it's like you got to imagine how many girls came here he did that to the left and they're on to a new life yeah and then you know like it knocked them down completely or you mean they just just took it like you did yeah yeah yeah that was just another day in Hollywood yeah you know

just another fucking Monday afternoon yeah I was like all right well that's not happening again so that's so fuck up yeah well I'm happy you got over it I'm yeah that fucking it happened it happened for how fucking crazy is that very bizarre you're a week and you meet fucking it's too perfect the first week you know and it's like looking back like I don't know I was just like wow like I have really good luck like it was from the most like sincere place you know it was just from like a hopeful starry-eyed like you know I'm sure that happened I'm sure it was like it's like design that way because I trace it back to like I'm sure the photographer dude and the fucking other producer guy they're in like cahoots with all that you know it's like they're they're finding people off the

fucking bus load from Russia to like just you know what I mean like it's like praying on like the new the the naive you know the confused the you know i'm sure it's like it's like a grooming process almost it's crazy it really is yeah it's such a fucking nightmare yeah well look at you now hi you're a badass bitch thank you so much yeah yeah it's like all guys jerking off in front of you dude no yeah i still let stephen do it yeah but he's your husband i know i'm kidding he's 40 years old He's 40. I'm talking about me being 57, just taking my dick out of the robe

and just jerking off in front of a young girl. That's crazy. I would feel fucking horrible. Like, I would feel horrible. It's mental illness. When people tell me that they go get a hand job somewhere, like I get furious. Like, really?

Like, you're going to go through all that fucking trouble. All that shit drives me crazy. You lost everything. Yeah. Over a hand job. Because he jerked off in front of two girls. Yeah. In 2003 at the Aspen, whatever.

Mm-hmm. I don't get it. I don't. Yeah, he went down fast. And there was no trial for her. There was nothing. It's interesting how certain, certain people have certain, yeah, and some people, it's so much bigger. But he didn't rape anybody.

Yeah, that's true. You know, he just took his dick out or called you and breathed him. be on the phone. Yeah. There's no fucking law against that. Yeah. That he can't breathe. It probably is.

Yeah. You can't call somebody. That's a scene in the movie happiness. You see that movie? Uh-uh. So good. Todd Salon's movie. The guy who did Welcome to the Doll House.

It's really good. Phillips Seymour Hoffman played that. He would call people in the phone booth. I mean, out of the phone book and like jack off and breathe. It's such a good movie. Yeah, I don't like that shit. I don't want to see nobody jerking about.

It's a good indie movie. And no fucking phone boots and shit. What else you got going on now? Just writing, stand-up, husband. I'm a chill, I don't know. Just keeping it, just staying really busy. Bobby giving you some work? Yeah, yeah, I go with him.

When are you going out again with him? I don't know when I'm going out again with him. What does he call you like three days before? He is the most last-minute person ever. Yeah, so I'm just doing stuff in town, you know, doing showcase this week for just for laughs. and Ice House and Store and...

Where is the showcase it just for the last... Where? Yeah. It's at the store this time. Thank God. Come on. Yeah. In the first other two ones I did

was like the fucking improv lab which is the worst fucking room. West Side Comedy, which is an awkward room. I'm just so grateful this time it's at the fucking store. Yeah, they finally, for years they wouldn't step foot in the store.

Really? For years, right? Not even as a personal... Oh, that's interesting. So now, oh, now we're the fucking club. So they got to come say it. Yeah, but part of me again. Yeah, like what we had talked about though, you know,

just like arranging my set to like please someone, like I'm fucking over it. Like I'm going to do me if you fucking want it, cool. If not, I don't give a fuck. Like I just, I don't know. It's just that whole thing of like me just wanting to do me with the material that I want to do and not trying to like impress someone else. Well, the goal would be for you to go up there and to do new faces. Yeah.

That's what it's for So you can't be too R-rated Yeah I want them to show me who you are Where your balls come from But don't go over the top This is a business It's half and half

I'd rather you What's that expression I don't want you to win the wall But lose the battle You follow them as I'm saying to you Yeah I do I'll lighten enough Either they like you

Or they don't Yeah When you comes to And I love just for laughs I never got invited I was going to crash. And now they want me to go, but I can't go. I can't go to Canada.

But it's so weird how just for laughs, there's so many different, you cannot get mad at them if they say no to you. No, totally. And I'll tell you why, because it's like why I don't get the breakdowns anymore. I used to get the breakdowns. Me too. And I would fucking get ulcers. because when your agent calls you and says,

hey, a role came out you're perfect for. In reality, four roles came out that day. Four roles came out that day. But the other three have something attached to them that you don't know. And unless you're with a good agent, they're not going to know. They're not going to call the cast and director

and say, Chelsea, what's the problem with this role for Bobby? Well, Bobby's good, but when the guy wrote it, he really wrote it for Bobby Lee. So I'll read your guy, but they're really going to make an offer to Bobby Lee. I'm not going to get Lee on. Yeah. Do you follow him saying to you? There's agents that know that shit, and they're tight with the fuck.

I had an agent one time. This is how good he was. He called the director and had him turn an extra role into a fucking paid acting role. Wow. And he put me in it. That's an agent. That's a good agent. They don't make those no more.

He was, I've been told him. Whatever happened to him? He got AIDS and moved to Germany to try to get the treatment, because I guess in Germany they have better treatment for the AIDS or something. And I saw him a couple times at Marie E.Tee, he gave me his card. He's not in the business anymore. But until this day, that's why I know people are lazy, because I had a great manager at one time.

When I first got out of you, I had a manager that was probably the best person. dealt with. You could call him within 10 minutes he'd have an answer. He'd hunt that motherfucker down at lunch. You know what I'm saying? Where most people are like, we call, but they're not in the office. We left a message. This guy hunted you down. You know, and

it just, they don't make them like that no more. Yeah, that's... Sam Weisson, there was a director. The name of the movie was Dickie Roberts. It was a movie with David Spade where he plays this fucking crazy dude. And, And in the beginning, David Spade has to fight somebody. He has to fight Emmanuel Lewis or something like that.

Bobby Slayton is the referee, me and him hit all day. And I just walk out. It's like four big black guys and me in the front. And I think I got like two lines. So the agent talked to director into making that speaking role. Wow. So do you see what I'm saying to you? You know there's people out here that jump on it,

and you know there's people that don't jump on it. When it comes to breakdowns, you don't know all the variables. And for you, you don't know all the variables. You have a good manager, you know, Nicole, and she's got some clouds. So I think you'll be fine. Yeah. Hopefully you'll nail it.

Go up to Montreal. Yeah, that'd be great. And if not, another thing coming. That's better. Yeah. Totally. Hopefully, whatever else you got working out. Yeah.

Yeah, I know. I've been waiting for some stuff with some scripts. You know, I'll talk about it when it happens. But until then... You're a little bitch. Yeah, I work very hard. I work very hard. But I'm not going to, you know, run my mouth over something that hasn't happened yet.

No. But I'm excited and I'm excited to see what happens this year with some of that stuff. And it was fun working with you. So much fun. You're the last of the real Mohicans. I got that VHS from McDonald's one time and a happy meal. Which one? The last of the Mohicans.

Isn't that weird? It felt like a mistake. I was like, why is this in my happy meal? It was in the place of a toy. I think someone at McDonald's did it as a joke and gave it to like a kid. Isn't that bizarre? Yeah.

What could have been worse? They're giving you a porn. That's true. That's true, huh? Happy meal. You have a website? Chelsea Skidmore.com, podcast, the Chelsea Skidmore show.

How many podcasts you do a week? I do one a week. Been going for two years. Sometimes I'll do two if, you know, and then just, but I release one a week. I'm happy you fucking came on. Thank you so much. You're a savage.

And I want to wish you all luck in the world. You got all the tools. You're going to be a fucking animal. Thank you. And then I'll be tomorrow. Might not be tomorrow. Might be Friday. No.

Might be Friday. I want to thank you. Don't forget Friday night. Viva, Las Vegas. Myself and Dean Delray at Treasure Island. One show, one night. We're out of their Saturday. I'm back Saturday at 11 o'clock of the fucking morning.

I'm excited, you know what I'm saying? I'll have to do nothing until May 20, no, March 27th. I'm at Santa Barbara at the Arlington Theater. So I'm going to announce some dates. I'm going to be kicking around New York for a couple days. So that's what's going on right now. But real quick, the show is brought to you by, On It, Listen, in the world of supplements, kettlebells, club bells, weighted vests.

I mean, you know, CMT oil. And it's got your fucking covered. As far as I'm concerned, I can only help you with the supplements. Alpha brain. Trademark, the whole thing. If you don't like it,

they'll give me the money back and they don't even want the product. Nobody does that. Chelsea, you would never do that. Never. I used to take on it all the time. I know you did.

You used to? Yeah, I took the new mood on it pills for two years when I first started stand-up. I took it before every single set. What did you think of the new moods? I used to love it because I had really bad anxiety and it helped me. It helps you come now. So much.

And then I just didn't need it anymore because I was comfortable enough. But I took it for two years straight every single day. I like the new mood. I loved it. And the alpha brain is fun sometimes too. But the new mood is great. The alpha brain makes you have fucking vivid dreams. I think I remember that.

I used to take that some time to get some focus. But, you know, I've got my patterns. But, yeah, Hon, it's great. I got my focus back. So go on it. Right now. Take a look at the great line of supplements. If you see something you like, press in church

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That's how I know. I live on the tincts under my tongue. I love the gummies, whether it's raspberry, strawberry, orange. I love the ointment that you put on. That's how I fucking got my hamstring back. I rubbed that CBD all on that motherfucker and I hit it with that massage gun.

and I got that lump right down. I even put it on my skin when I went to Arizona because it was so fucking dry. My skin was drying. So that CBD oil is tremendous that they have the ointment. Whatever the fuck you call it. The cream. The cream, that's what it is.

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Tip-top, Magoo. It's a whole new month, a whole new set of rules. That's it. It's March, bitches. It was just Christmas two weeks ago. You were just jumping up and down for New Year's and this March, and you still haven't studied your resolutions. So you've been to get your shit together, cocksucker.

See you Monday mornings. The rest of the years? I'll see your Friday night Treasure Island with my main man, Dean Del Rizzy. Kick this fucking meal, Lee.