The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #765 - Joey Diaz on Following Your Instincts

Episode Date: March 2, 2020

Joey Diaz talks about how following his instincts helped him overcome his self doubt, his fear as a young comedian, and how much he has changed and adapted over his 20+ year comedy career. This podcast is brought to you by: Manscaped - Get 20% off your first order and a travel bag if you purchase "The Perfect Package" at www.manscaped.com/church   Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH at checkout for a 10% discount on your first order.      

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got you when you're pressing church let's get this party started it's march the second you understand me it's a brand new day a brand new week and a brand new month tell me it doesn't feel like christmas was yesterday i does it feels like christmas was two days ago and it's march second number one i want to thank everybody who came out to the show on vegas friday night thank you very much for supporting us. Dean Del Rey and Freddie Correa were great. Freddie Correa didn't disappointing in Dean Delray, and it's weird how Freddie, you know, you do, I had a weird, I just turned 57 guys.

So for a week I was walking on clouds. You know, I think you could have felt that if you watched the podcast, maybe you couldn't. For a week, I was walking on clouds, not because I was happy. I was turning 57, but because I couldn't believe I made it to 57. And the funniest thing about that is that now what I didn't see happened to me, I'm watching in front of me happened to kids that I met 10 years ago on a joke at a one-man show at an open mic or I met them at it, the improv doing a spot or in Santa Barbara or like, I met Freddie and Reno seven years ago or something he opened for me.

or something. And then we talked a little bit and he wanted to further his career and he moved to Vegas and he chases it. He's got a house and a wife and a day job. He started his day job? Oh, yeah. You know, I mean, this guy chases it. So when you watch people grow, it's, and you're growing at the same time, it's kind of weird. It kind of, you're like, man, I'm getting old. Me and Freddie worked seven years ago, six years ago in Reno, five years, whatever the other it was. It's so weird how for a week I was I was listen birthdays

I don't care about birthdays I stopped caring about birthdays and I was 13 all right it was just uh it's a truth I could care less people having birthday parties and you know let's meet me at a restaurant at 730 are you crazy? It's Wednesday I got time to meet you at 730

because you're turning 50 I'm not one of those people I can care less but uh it was just weird that that for some reason I never thought I'd make it past 50 and now I'm 57 years old and and you know I haven't had like a what do you call that a men at 50 have a midlife crisis a midlife crisis the only midlife crisis I've had is watching you people with your expressions on your faces when I'm up on stage last night I had a spot at the store Saturday night I had to follow Benji Ruffalo whatever his name

is who I think is hilarious and you know I don't think they were prepared for me it was so weird how they were not prepared for me. I was in a weird spot in the lineup. Adam put me up at 8.45, which is like, you know, it was just too early for me. Like 8.4, you know, like Drac, you don't come out until midnight. Like, that's, like, I'm safe after 945 at the store. 845, they're still a little ripe for me. And I went up there and I wanted to try new jokes. And I didn't do it with the best set of my life, but I am. I imposed my will. Like, I let it be known that I was in the room.

They didn't really take the ride with me too much. On the way home, I felt happy. Like, I was like, oh, my God. Because it's tough to understand what the mindset was with Mitzie Shore. I don't give Mitzie Sure enough credit all the time because I didn't realize the power of Mitzie Shore until after I taped my Netflix special. I heard everything she told me. throughout the years hit my fucking head.

I'm going to tell you guys a funny story that a lot of people don't know that me and Ari were talking about Sunday morning. Do you know that in like 1995 she threw the industry out of there? What do you mean? She told the industry to take a hike. So like any agent?

So you understand, people at home that don't understand. Think about if you have people who control you at work. You know how that? Like you have bosses if you work in a cubicle or you're a plumber or whatever the hell you are, you have a boss. And then he has bosses, right? Like she wouldn't let those bosses onto the job site.

Like she told them no comps for industry. If you want to get in here, you pay like everybody else. So it shun the industry away from the store. So for years, if you told an agent or a manager, you know, I'm doing a showcase, come see me. And they go to the store. They go, nah, we're not going down. there and then make up an excuse that they have dinner at the improv do it at the improv all them when it's at the improv and that was because in 95 she threw them out in 99 she threw them out

again because they were going to do the show called the night of a thousand widows domerara and all these people were going to come and they wanted to set a hundred a hundred seats aside for the industry and at 3 30 she said fuck you you're paying for tickets people were livid like comics were crying the whole thing but that was Missy I asked her one day I go why don't you want the industry here because she goes it creeps you guys out

and I was like it does and she goes yeah it creeps you guys out when I shot the Netflix special I realized she was right it creeped me to fuck out it creep me out when somebody when you feel somebody has control over you

like it creep I don't know it's the weirdest feeling. You know, I learned to get up on stage in front of her. That was horrible for me. That was horrible. Guys, you have no idea how horrible that was. That was the hardest thing you had to do in your life in those days. When you were on stage and you saw her walk in and she sit down, I would die. I would die right on stage. It's like a couple weeks ago, Lee went down to San Diego or his mom and they were having a good night and Steve Simone was very nice and he asked Lee to open up the show

and before this for the last three weeks I have been laughing at this by myself because I know I tell you guys that if you're an accountant or a banker once somebody comes to you with a problem

you've been doing it so long and you could figure it out you could tell them the answer just from listening to what they're telling you you know Lee calls me up, I go, how'd you do? That Monday night he had gone up at the comedy store. He did great.

I think it was a Tuesday or Wednesday, he went to La Jolla, and he said he did the same set. But on the way up, there's something happened on the way to dance. When he got to La Jolla, Lee was already, his mom was in the audience, he's ready to go up on stage, and the guy is playing the piano and he's singing songs, right? The guy just sits there for an hour in La Jolla.

And between you and me, you want to shoot yourself. He's the nicest guy in the world. I love the death. I've known him for 20 years, 20 plus years. He's Vicki Bob Black's husband, but he's up there playing the piano. Oh, that old black magic got me in his spell. And after 20 minutes, you want to shoot yourself.

You're like, why am I listening to this bar Mitch for music for? So anyway, he plays the music. He does a great job with it. He really does. He's playing the piano. one-man band and every once in a while he brings his guitar player friend who lives in his three days from dying from cancer was he down there that no no just him play the guitar he's got like a guitar friend that looks like he's three days away from chemo like he's done he just even the chemo through

him out there like listen we can't do that witch this guy's a relic and he's up there like playing the electric guitar you think you're in a dream you think you're like i'm living in a dream This is not a half. Lou, Lou, no, Lou's the piano player. The piano player, that's his name. So it wasn't Lou who messed up your name? It was.

Yeah, that's what I'm saying. I thought you were saying it was the guitar. No, no. The guy's name is Lou, and he's, and I love Lou, Lou, for years. Every time you saw Lou, you're like, Lou. So Lee's about to go on stage. He's on the side. He's a La Jolla comedy story.

His heart is into it. And also, Lou goes, are you guys ready for a beautiful night in La Jolla? And they clap, yay, you know. Steve Simone's in the house. Let them hear it again. Are you ready for a great night at the comedy store? Yay. Coming to the stage, Mr. Lee Swat.

Listen to me. Listen to me. And it was funny because I always ask him how he did. And he goes, I did okay. You know, it sucked. I didn't do good or whatever. This time he was like, I bombed. But then as the story got deep, he goes,

the guy called my name wrong on the way up to the stage. Right there I knew exactly what happened. He cracked them. Sometimes he just crack as a comic. You hear your name called the wrong and you can't figure it out because you already went through it with him 20 times what your name was. How do you pronounce that? How do you pronounce that?

Look, my name is Joey Diaz. You can't mess that up. Yes, you can. Go to Utah, Montana. Wyoming, you will hear dialects of my name that you've never heard before. Especially when I used to do those rooms and riverfront Wyoming and all those.

Oh my God, I remember there's a Hindu hotel that does comedy in Wyoming. The nicest family in the world. They're nice, and they run the hotel. The hotel smells funny. You can't wait to get the hell out of it. There was no late checking. Like, stay, stay, my friend.

You can stay. And you're like, I got to get out of here. the smell of your sandals, give me an headache. The whole hotel got the coronavirus. Because of the smell of the sand. I didn't even know what hummus smelled like. I don't think there was hummus then. They were nice people.

And I still remember going up there, and the guy brought me up, like, Diaz. Right. Like, I know this story. And you could sit with me for days and go, you know, I thought about it. I really didn't crack. Listen, I've been there.

Because I was doing comedy at that time about four years, and I had never heard my name. And I'm all fired up. I'm about the feature and stuff. And also the guy, the Hindu brought you up. Like he was the house MC. And he was also the hotel, the front desk clerk. You have no idea.

This is what people don't know. This is what people don't know. And you're sitting there going, and there's a bunch of white people in the room. And he's up there, Hinduing it up. Like, coming to the stage. And you're like, this is not happening. This could not be happening in my life. Why did I get into comedy?

And all of a sudden, the guy called, like, just hacked up my name. Like, this man, his name is Joé, disease. Or something, as soon as I heard of disease, it's like disease. I went up there and just died of slow death. I mean, I ran upstairs and packed my bags, and I ran the hell out of that hotel. I didn't even spend the night. Oh, no. I drove.

I couldn't get over the bombing and I couldn't get over the smell and him call me Dezzez. Where did he get Dezzez? The diseases. So people have no idea how fear. Like, you have to be so cool to cover up your fear.

Like, I am constantly, I'm scared every, like I was scared in Vegas to the point where I was having heart palpitations in my room at 7 o'clock. Really? I swear to God. Friday night in Vegas, guys, I was having the heart palpitations. But you know what that means?

That means I care. That's all that means. That I really care. That I want to go up. I know it's Las Vegas. I know people bought plane tickets. I know people got rooms. I know people going to other shows.

I'm one of the many things they're doing, and I don't want to let them down. I swear to you guys, Friday, I was a mess at 7 o'clock. Because the show started at 9. I couldn't wait to get that show started. My heart was pounding so much. I didn't eat dinner. I took blood pressure medication, and I doubled up on an aspirin.

I'm like, I'm not going to make it tonight. Jesus. I was like, I'm not going to make it to it tonight. This is too much. So I got up about, I went in the shower, and guess what I did? I walked around the hotel,

but on the 28th, and then I walked the stairs to the 29th floor and I walked downstairs to the 27th floor and I just walked around I didn't think about the set and then I met security upstairs at the quarter of the line and they're like, where are you coming from?

You're not in your room? I was like, I was downstairs in the lobby. No, I wasn't. I was walking around the lobby, scared because if I went down, I'd see people and they'd stop me. So you were just walking around like the hotel room area. Yeah, like the room was like a fucking peepser

like Harvey Weinstein would a con. You know what I'm saying? Oh my God. I'm walking to the hotel lot. So I went from the 28th floor to the 27th floor to the 26th floor, and then I walked back up to the 28th floor. And if that wasn't going to kill me, nothing was. Because I hate stairs more than anything in life.

Right. I understand me? I fucking hate stairs. I didn't take the elevator up. I forced myself to walk up the stairs, and my anxiety went away. And then once I saw Dean and the club manager and security, then we had another long walk.

and that helped ease my nerves a little more. It's amazing how fear plays into my world and how, you know, what you guys don't understand is for years, I try to teach my daughter. My daughter has a problem around dogs. Guess who had the same problem I did? And I try to tell her that.

People read fear. People really read fear. I learned how to not. I was always scared. Until this day, I'm scared. But when I used to walk around the Bronx, when I was a five-year-old and a six-year-old, I was petrified. Like, I was petrified.

I was going to get kidnapped. I was petrified of getting hit or somebody hit me with a car. Like, I was always scared of things that you shouldn't be thinking about. But the thing I was scared of the most was dogs. And I would react funny to dogs. So because of that fear to dogs, I always got bit. And I couldn't. And I kept, I started getting bit by dogs.

dogs when I was around four. Jesus. And it went until the age of eight. How many times do you get bit? I probably got bit without exaggeration. I've tried to count it. I got bit on my face. I got bit in the leg once

by a doorman pincher. I got bit in the leg again by a dog at Sacred Heart School for boys. That's when I was really scared of dogs. He just came up to me. In those days, you know, and this is how fearful I was.

A dog would see me from 30 feet, and he would feel my fear, and he would run up to me and bite me. Jesus. That's how fearful I was. Like, a dog would read my fear and just run up to be and bite me. So that's the type of fear I had. So somewhere along the line at an early age, I had to learn how to control my fear from within, from inside. Like, my heart would beat, and I would get crazy, and that dog would read. and that dog would read my fear, and he'd come up to me.

And in my business, I can't be, I can't let the audience know I'm scared. You know, by the time I get there and I get involved, and I smoke that joy in the green room, and I talk to the club manager, and then I listen to the guy in front of me doing comedy. Then the fear levels down a little bit. Every, every show for me is different, how much fear gets into the show.

show and now at this point I welcome it but Friday's fear was the worst I've had since tonight that I had a follow Morgan Murphy at the store and I told Paul he to go up in front of me and he said why and they go because I'm having an anxiety attack and he just looked at me like I was having three heads and it goes back to Mitzie Shore and everything we were talking about earlier but just to the fear I had I had to contain it as a young age and I still have the same fear. Like, you know, then my mother died

and all this stuff happened to me. But you don't think I had fear when I walked into that prison? You don't think I, you know, I've always had fear and I've always learned how to control it, but I've always learned how to flip it. Like, I've always learned how to flip it

into self-confidence, even though I don't have any self-confidence. Somebody gave me shit, like three weeks ago. They sent me like a Facebook thing and they're like, Why do you always post disgusting things in the morning, like sayings and stuff? And at first, I got a little offended. But then I took the time.

I said, I don't have the time to explain to this guy why. But since he asked, I should tell him. When I wake up in the morning, when I open my eyes and I walked to take that first pee of the morning, I can't tell you, I wake up like I'm waking up in a world that, like the world got, like we got a bomb dropped on us the night before and I didn't know when I wake up in the morning I wake up very scared you know I remember when I first went out into the real world how scared I used to be like when I used to have to go to work or have to fill a job applications or I'd have to anything in that realm I was petrified when I first got into the real world like 16 17 and a half

once I started like getting a job not delivering papers or none of that stuff But once I started like, once I lost the lumber job and I had to go into the real world and do all that stuff, I used to be really fearful because I had no self-confidence. I had no high school diploma. I had no college education. I didn't have anything. And I'd be really fearful. And for me to make myself go to those things or to go meet people or to even do something like, what made me walk into Colorado Mountain College? when I was 18 years old with no high school diploma

and sign up for classes. And I lied on the application. Do you have a high school diploma? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, like, didn't even check it out in the 80s. Like, what possessed me to go in there? Because I was so fearful. And I wouldn't, dog, when I go to those places, I don't say a word.

Like, I don't say a word. Like, I'm not funny. I don't try to be funny. I'm just happy that I'm in there, that my fear, that I overcame my fear to go into those places. But part of my point was from 18 to 25, even so in my 30s, my early 30s,

dog, I used to have to say things to myself to fire myself up. And those things are what I write in the morning. Those things I write are to fire me up. Believe you or not, they defy me the hell up. When I get up in the morning, and I pee, and then I have my coffee, and as I'm thinking about my coffee, I'm like, I already have fear about the spot

I have to do that night. Like, at 8.30 in the morning, I'm already fearful. I'm like, oh, my God, I got to go to the store tonight. Oh, my God, I got to fly to, you know, Columbus tonight. Oh, my God. I already have fear. Like, this fear is in me.

So I have to say something to myself. I'm not the type of guy to look in the mirror. I don't want to look at myself and go, you could do this. So instead of doing all that stupid, stupid bullshit, I just say to myself, as I'm going in this shower, like, you know what? Somebody's going to have to suck my dick today. Like, playing and simple.

If I get up to go do this, somebody's got to suck my dick. Somebody's got to pay me. Somebody's got to fucking pay for this shit. I'm going out there to get my fucking lunchbox back. All those things I say to myself would overcome the little fucking fear I had. That's the part of the hard part for me, is I have fears, but like I don't, I guess I don't know if this is what it is, but to me it seems like, like myself is so low that, like, I, if, if someone else isn't motivating me or if the thing isn't

motivating me, me saying that stuff to me doesn't motivate me. I'm like, who am I to say that? Like, I don't even, like, I don't believe myself when I, when I say that. I don't believe myself either, but if it gets me out the door, right? I don't believe myself either, guys, but if it gets me out the door, that's all that matters. If I could lie to myself and convince myself that something good is going to happen and gets me out the door, I don't care about anything else. I just want to get out the door.

That's what once I get out of the door, I'll figure it out. Once I get there, I'll figure it out. It's getting out that door that used to scare me to death. Like people, I know a lot of people who think, because this is all it is, it's a thought that you lack self-confidence. it's just a thought that comes through your mind.

How do I know? Because I experienced it for years. When I was a young kid, I experienced it. I would walk around my head down. You know, right? That's no self-confidence. You'd walk around looking at the floor. I wouldn't look around.

Then I got hit and had with a lunchbox and, you know, I got beat up a few times on ADA Street. And then you'd learn how to, you get self-confidence. You know, people always go, oh, you know, I don't have self-confidence to go up to women. You can't even think about it. Women like aggressive men. Yeah. They'll tell you no, but they want an aggressive man.

What's aggressive that you go up to them and rip their shirt off? No, we're not savages here. Just go up and talk to them. Go up and say something that somebody else wouldn't say. You know, they've already heard all the lines, right? They've already heard, you know, all the stupid pick-up lines. if there still exist. I don't even know if pick-up lines exist.

That's how old I am. I don't even know how to pick-up anybody. You know, whatever. If pickup lines still exist, I don't even know. But tell them something that they've never heard before. Blow their mind with something. I'm not talking about going over and trying to be Shakespeare or trying to drop like some lines from a Dawes movie or something.

Go ahead and be yourself. What do you have to offer that person? A ton. In your head, you don't think so. I don't think so. So bless you. Till today, I still sit there and I'm like, why do people come to my shelves?

And it all goes back to getting locked up and, you know, sleeping in a rocket ship. It goes all back to those feelings. No, because I go up there and I put my eye on the line. I go up there and I say things I normally wouldn't say in front of people. That's why you're paying because I wouldn't say these things. This is somebody who's in, who was taking all my,

brain no this is why I am the person who you want to hear you wouldn't pay twenty five dollars to go see you know what I'm saying like the person that you want to know I got to be me I got to go up there and be you know so much has happened in the last 18 months that that's what excites me so much in my life and I'm not talking about accomplishments I've had no cosmos this the last day I'd have had one really really good accomplishment the break I had on my stand-up comedy, and it took me 25 years to break through. What are you talking about breakthrough? What are you saying, Joey?

You're, you're, what are you saying? What I'm saying is I don't care about the tickets sold. I don't care about the shows. It's what I do on stage that what matters. If you notice, I don't sell shirts at shows. I don't want to do nothing at a show. The only thing I go to do when I come to your city is to give you the best possible show I could give you. People get mad at me when I go, oh, you know, I got this podcast. If you can swing by, bro, I didn't come to fucking Cleveland to do a fucking podcast. I'm coming to Cleveland to do four shows and all that's on my mind is fucking you motherfuckers up.

Will I fuck you up all four shows? I don't know. I don't know. But I'll tell you what, I'm going out there in the back of my mind to fuck you. you guys up because it doesn't matter. I pulled the way the safety net. The safety net disappeared three years ago, I think. After I shot the Netflix thing, all that stuff went away because everything Mitzie Shaw had taught me since 1997 to 2004 came back to me. And since then, I've lived on what she taught me those last, those seven years of seeing her every Sunday, every other Sunday,

you know, every third Sunday, I'd see her, and she'd make a note about my stand-up, plus she'd drop a gem on me. And you know what? I didn't believe in a lot of her gems. Today, everything I do is based off her teachings to me in stand-up, everything I do. No more thinking about what I know. I went back to her school of thought, which was to be an animal on stage.

You're not performing for them. You're performing for you. You're going up there and knock it out of the park. Don't give them what they want. Give them what you want and explain to them why it's funny. Explain to them how it crashes and collides with your world. That's all that matters to me. I don't want to sell CDs after a show.

I don't want to sell T-shirts. I don't want to go to the rock. Rock and Raw Hall Museum, I come to your town to fuck you up for those four shows. That's all I'm focused on. In the daytime, I go to your, you know, whatever, one of your restaurants, whatever you have to offer, that's something different. I try my artist always to go to one of those places. But at the same time, my focus is on resting, so I am prepared to give you 100%. And that's how, I remember her telling me, what do you do on game?

She was, oh, I go do this. And she's like, you relax. when you do a show that night. I want you to collect your thoughts when it's a big show. But when you come here, you're coming here to work out. She goes, I want you to be off the cuff more when you come down here.

Or say your jokes, but I want you to say them out of order. Force yourself to say them out of order. So you're always working at a different level. Like sometimes your opener will be your closer. She always taught me that stuff. And I wouldn't have confidence in doing it, but I'd listen to why I'd do it and it would work.

And I see myself now. I've been saying this for months on the podcast, the Lee to whatever, because I see it. I know what has to be done. Those little bar rooms that we hate this comics, all those little shit rooms that we hate this comics, they have to be done.

And you'll feel them, not now, but you'll feel the difference in 20 years. When you're at one of the three major clubs, when you're at the comedy seller in New York, when you're on stage and you're controlling the audience like Moses made the red part C, you're not going to think about your house or your car or your family. When you're on stage, you're thinking about what gave you the ability to part that ocean like that, to make people laugh.

You know, a couple of weeks ago, two or three months ago, you wanted to do the show with Hesu's Trail. And you came back and you were very, very, very impressed. You were very impressed at what he had done. Yeah. And I said to you that it's a thing that goes off in your head. You know, my daughter, Mercy goes to bully busters. She goes to, and I look at the kids in there.

And every week I've been looking at these kids for the last 18 months. Every Monday and Wednesday and Friday, I'm there. My daughter, I'm there with her on Fridays. I'm not there if I'm out of town. But obviously, if she's got to come. class. I'm pretty much there watching it. And I don't, you know, I go to the watch her, not to be a fighter or whatever. I just go to watch her to support her. I'm not one of those parents that's going to drop your kid off and go

run errands. I don't go there to, I don't get on the phone when I take her there. My attention is on her. And I look at the other kids and what they're doing. And it's so weird how I can tell the kids that have it. And even though they don't have it. And even though they don't have. have it today. They got something. I'm gonna, I could tell you that someday the switch is going to turn. There's a little boy in there with glasses. It's a cute little kid.

For the 11 months, that kid messed up. The coach would call him up and say, do this technique and he would do it and mess it up. But I could tell on the walk back to his seat how sad he was that he got it wrong. I would watch this kid and I see how sad it. how sad it was that he got it wrong. And when the coach would call him again, he tried again. And this time it'd be 50% on and 50% off, and he wouldn't have it. But I could tell on the walk back to his chair, whether he was happy.

And there's another little boy in the class. A little boy would always beat him. And that would eat him alive. I would see it. That would eat him alive. And I remember one day touching his head, you know, because his mom is nice. His mom just had another baby. And I remember just touching his head and telling him,

one day this is going to click, and you're going to become a savage. Well, guess what? It clicked. It took like 16 months for this kid for it to click. He is a savage now. He's a little boy. Now there's a new little boy in that class that's like four.

He just turned four. He's the most beautiful little boy you've ever seen in your life. This little kid throws little weak punches and little faggy kicks, but I'm telling you right now that kid's going to be a killer in 10 years. Why? Because he's going to put it together.

You could always tell the people that are going to put it together. It's not going to happen for you overnight. And this happened, listen, how do I know? Because I still remember starting comedy in 91 and in 96 seeing people, more comics would talk to me.

And the word on the street was, and then it was Doug Stanhope who told me the story. I bumped into Doug Stanhope in 96, in Seattle, 97, one of those years. I think it was 90, it was New Year's 96, so it was the summer of 96. I bumped into Doug Stanhope,

and he immediately remembered me, and he started talking to me. I had had a brief, encounter with Stanhope in 91 at the broker. Listen to the years I'm telling you guys. It's 2020. In 91 I met Doug Stanhope when I was maybe into comedy maybe eight or nine months. And then Stanhope came back maybe a year later and he came back as a headliner and now I was doing comedy maybe 18 months. and he stayed on my house.

I invited him to stay over the house, and I was divorced, and they had a night off. Comics always had that week sucked. That was a triple one that sucked, because Tuesday was Boulder. Wednesday you had off, but Thursday you had Craig. Friday, you had Pueblo,

and Saturday you had Colorado Springs or something. Don't quote me on this. But there was always that Wednesday night off. If the comic was cool on Tuesday night, any of the two comics, I'd say, hey, what are you guys doing tomorrow? And they're like, nothing. We're going to find a cheap hotel. Don't worry about it.

Just stay at my house. So I would open up my house today. Tons of comics. You know, I remember. Some I don't remember. Some of them are dead. Some of them are out of the business. Some of them, you know, whatever.

But a lot of guys used to spend the night on my house. house that they were cool you know and they would help me too like they would give me leads from they were from or whatever you know it was a two-way street i was learning about the business i was asking them questions and they would give me answers so they got to get they got to stay for free and i got to ask them stupid questions all night about comedy how do you get good what the bookers what's my next move you know and I remember meeting Stanhope and let's say in two or three years I think I was at the broker for

maybe two years and we did comedy every week except maybe the Christmas break I don't think so I think we even did New Year's that something because I remember going wow I'm doing comedy two years and I'm doing my first New Year's like people were like you won't do New Year's

for like five years and I'm like look at me doing New Year's my second year in the business Oh, shit. Uh-oh. So you figure all those comics, I had a two-bedroom condo and a couch downstairs,

so I would invite them to stay over. So when I bumped into Stanhope years later, five or six years later, I remember getting off stage when I had him getting off stage because we worked together, New Year's 97. And when he got off stage, he goes, I heard a nasty rumor about you.

Oh, my God. He heard it. kidnap somebody or that I went to prison. At that time, I didn't really talk about that type of stuff. I was still very embarrassed about it. And I go, what did you hear? And he goes, the word on the street is the host from the broker got really funny. Oh, shit.

And I go, really? Who told you that? And he goes, that's what everybody's saying on those trouble ones. That the host from the broker got really funny over the years. Like when I was at the broker, I didn't have a chance. Like I tried. I didn't have a chance. I still remember coming out with cups.

Madonna did a book, Table book, 191 or 92. It was 92. Madonna did like a Vogue video. And either something that she did had like cones. I still remember coming out to Vogue with two cups on my tits. I thought that was funny.

So please, guys. have patience and support your local open mics. That's why you're going to open mics because you're supporting the future. Somebody must, can you imagine that? Until this day, I still think of that about that and I want to take my car and crash it into a war. I came out to Vogue.

How many times did you do it? All you need to do that mistake is once. That's true. Okay? If you think that's funny and do it twice, shame on you. The good thing is I did it one time. I came out to Vogue and I would spin the cups around. and then make believe I was dancing.

It was horrible. Lee, it was horrible. And then when I got to Seattle, you know, like in my fourth year in, I used to do the Spanish comedy show. No. I think Josh Wolf still has pictures. A girl would come off stage

and play the Maracas and I would do comedy. No. Oh, please. In between your jokes, it was like spoken words. No, she played the Maracas while I was up on stage.

Oh, no. Yeah, I called it like salsa. comedy and I wore like a ruffled tuxedo. You were like a puffy shirt? Yeah, no, like the shirt with like when you're going to a wedding, like that type of stuff. I mean, guys, I've done it all, okay? You're not going to come to me with no story about nothing. I've done it all.

I've walked down. There's no bigger loser than me. I have done it all. You know, I just remember that because I found like the, the, uh, I know, I know, a girl that has all that stuff. I know a girl that one day she's going to sell that stuff and make a ton of money. She's got all the

pictures of that, my next girlfriend. Of you in the shirt and the shirt? And the shirt of her on stage playing the Maracca's or a white dress on. I hope that if you went to those shows you never told people about it. Or if you did see those shows in

96 and 95 in Seattle, you just stopped thinking about it. You just got it out of your mind because dog this is why i go to tell you listen we all have something we want to do and there's a price to pay and the price is to put in the work and make a ton of mistakes and get called a fool and somewhere another breaking out just you know i can go on here forever but at least you try i mean in some way that's a good thing because at least you had the balls to try it because all your your goal was just to be funny it's you but like it's like it's a good thing but like it's a good thing

My goal was just become a decent human being, man. My goal was I had been such a stiff for so long. In 1995, at the age of 33, I had just gone through so much, you know. And I was sick and tired. I knew what I wanted to do. And I knew what I didn't want to do. And I said, you know what? I don't know anything to anybody.

I don't have parents. I don't have to impress anybody. I don't have to get a college degree. I don't have to do anything. How do I make myself happy? How do I make myself productive? How do I make myself a good person? Like, what can I do to stop stealing?

What can I do to stop this drug abuse? What can I do that stop the way, you know, for God's sake, I tried to rob somebody. and I had been doing it for years. What can I do to avoid all this? You know, the only thing I could do and to dive myself into it without thinking twice about it was comedy.

Guys, I hate it working. I hate it working. I hated arguing with you about money. I hated all that stuff. But when you're a laborer, you have no like to stand on. When you don't know about something, you have to know like to stand on

and you have to pay your price before people pay you in society. And I got it. I just didn't want to do it. Like, I understood that, but that's fine. That doesn't work for me. I want you to make me vice president of company today, and I'll keep working on it. But I knew I was never going to be satisfied, even if they gave me that.

Because I had had a bunch of ton of it. I had talked myself into great jobs that after a month of being in him, like, this is great. But it's not what I want to do. Like, this is a great salesman's job. This is a Cush salesman. houseman's job or whatever, but this is not what I want to do. I did that 20 times, Lee. I did that 20 times.

I almost talked myself into being a rep for a pharmaceutical company with no college degree. One of them Boulder? How? Just a fake resume. Oh. Jesus. All I knew is if I get myself into the room, I could talk that guy in to give me the job. that's what I did know.

Do you understand me? So that's what I knew. But I still remember going to the interview and the guy asked me about what I studied and me. That's why I asked you, do people, when you go to, you know, when you went to editing jobs interviews, if they asked you about college, you know, look at what's going on in this country right now.

Because they push college so much, you know, kids are in debt. This college debt is so much. But what it also did was it took kids away from going to trade school. My buddy in Vegas that I grew up with, I've known this kid since the sixth grade, okay? We spoke Friday night. I invited him to the show. I left his name on the daughter because I thought he would come.

And he goes, Coco, I can't come to your show because I am so tired. He goes, I cannot find help. I go, what do you mean? He goes, I'm looking for a mechanic. I'm willing to pay him $45 an hour. And I cannot find the mechanic. 45 an hour? 45 an hour.

But he wants him mechanically. An experienced one, yeah. Yeah, somebody who. I was going to go to a mechanic school today. No, an experienced mechanic. Because there was a gap somewhere in society where everybody was pushed into college. And nobody was pushed into learning trade. Yeah.

And right now, the country's suffering because a lot of people aren't there to fill those gaps. We got tons of attorneys, we got tons of doctors, we got tons of lawyers, we got tons of dentists, but we don't have enough mechanics, you know. And that take, I'm not talking about you going to school and getting certified of mechanics. If you know anything about my friend,

his father owned the gas station on 26th Street when we were growing up in Union City on Kennedy Boulevard. So he grew up into it. You know what I'm saying? Right. Mario could fix anything. You give Mario that computer, and he'll fix it in three days.

There's people that have an aptitude for that. So they go on. My wife and I were talking about this day a day, how in school when I was growing up, they had auto body class. Yeah. Auto, you had it too? I took it, yeah.

To fix doors or to be a mechanic? No, to do it. small oil chain stuff. To be honest, I took it for like two weeks and I switched to video class. Why? Because I wanted to do video stuff. Yeah.

I knew it was going to be for me. You know, they used to be an auto class. I did woodshop, though. You did woodshop? Yeah. See, my wife says that today they don't have that anymore. Oh, I'm sure they don't.

I'm sure they got rid of all. Are you serious? Because of the budgets, yeah. So my wife said that they don't teach that anymore. They don't have that on curriculums. If anybody's seen that differently, please notify me on Twitter. Maybe I'm talking out of place.

Or maybe my wife doesn't know what she's talking. It's because I grew up in a very rich town. I was the poor kid in a rich town. And I think maybe the richer towns might still have it because they have the budgets. But most of those kids, they don't want to do that. It's looked down upon in a weird way. But yeah, like now that you hear about it, you're like, wow, I could make 45 an hour being a mechanic. A mechanic.

A mechanic. That's a lot of money. Because a lot of people didn't go into that trade. You know, it's like a family trade. Like, to have that aptitude. Listen, I get a flat tie by a new call. You know, my tie, you know, I got a flat tie. I'm looking for a new call because I don't want to change a flat.

You know, it's not my aptitude. I have zero aptitude for screwdrivers. I can, listen, if you put a gun to my head, I could cut stuff, I can measure stuff. I did it before for years. I know how to install stuff, you know, if you put a gun to my head. But is it really what I want to do for a living? No, I don't know.

I saw people who were way better than I did and had the aptitude. Yeah, I know how to measure 44 through 66, cut it, and put it up against the wall with sheet rocks or whatever. You know, over the years roofing and doing all that, I know little things. I know a lot more that I let you on to, like, about different things because I haven't been putting that position in years. When was the last time I had a roof or do construction or dig out, you know,

it's not in my world anymore. I'm a comic, so I didn't have the aptitude for it. It's not, like, you know, we were talking about this the other day the other night at Las Vegas. I had a car for a while. One of those cars are you supposed to work on, like a hobby? Right. And I got rid of it.

I sold them. People were like, you sold that car, you could have made so much money. And I just wanted it out of my life. That car was for somebody who on Saturdays wanted to get up and go to the junction. Right. They were going to get under a hood and take the carburetor out of another Camaro and put it in that one. You know, it just wasn't for me. I knew that.

I learned that. Those cars are for somebody who they go to the auto parts store every Saturday. And they know I have a relationship with Bill. And, you know, that just wasn't. me but going back to it that was why i jumped into at 33 i was like what the hell am i doing my life if i'm going to do something i'm going to enjoy it end of story it's not going to be about because for years you know you have your guidance counselor what area needs more what were they saying well they're saying to get into this you know we do everything in our lives we let our jobs

control us because yeah obviously we want the money but at the end of the the day you're going to find out what makes you happier is better than that money you have to be happy doing it before you can make any money and for years i didn't believe that listen i know a thousand millionaires today that are fucking angry about something i don't know what they're angry about you know money doesn't buy you happiness you know but so don't go for something that you're going for it if you're a young kid, don't go for it just because, well, it's going to make me money. If you like working on cars, tell your mom and dad, this is what I want to do. What am I going to pay?

How many kids are unemployed? How much money can we have banks made on kids on these student loans? Yeah, 100,000. And what are you going to do? I mean, if you could do it again, would you ever go to college? No. Yeah, it's tough because, like, if you, to get any sort of job, you sort of need a degree, but not really. Who's going to call?

Who's going to call and check to see if you went to St. Paul or Ministroni? Did you ever know that? It is funny. People do get caught now, which I think is hysterical. People actually call to see if you went to that college? At a certain point, it comes out at a certain point, and that's something I wouldn't want to live with. But it's also, I think what you talked about before, I think is a smart move, is there's no reason. to jump right from high school to college.

I was in a huge rush. I jumped from high school to college and even took summer courses and I graduated in three years instead of four years. Because I was right. I wanted to be out. I wanted to be in the real world making money. And it's like what I got. I don't now looking back, I'm like, what was my rush? Like I, and I like video stuff, but what I've learned?

in 12 years being out of high school or something is that you can't like the idea that you're going to plan for your whole life at 18 is the stupidest thing. The dumbest thing in the world. It's the dumbest thing in the world. Even at 25. Yeah. Even at 25.

You're still not going to know. And if you know, God bless you, I'm not saying that you're wrong in the field that you picked. God bless you. I'm just, but how many people pick a field and now they're stuck in that field and they don't want to do it, but this is all they know. Yeah.

You know. What if you pick a field and then the field chair? Like that happened to my cousin. My cousin went to school for film. He went to Ithaca, a very good school. And two years after he graduated, they switched from film to digital. So his entire four-year degree was gone, and now he's a, he's happy, but he's a high school principal now. Because he had to switch.

So, like... That's another thing. You got to improvise in your career, too. Yeah. You've got to improvise and jump. I mean, you don't know what day to day is going to come. I mean, like I said, I didn't know. I sit here.

I'm going on 29 years on July 18th of me going on stage the first time. And I sit here baffled people. I sit here thinking what gave me the illusion that I could ever be a comedian. 30 years ago. And it baffles me. It really does baffle me. Like I'm going to come up on a 30th anniversary. I couldn't do anything for 30 days.

I couldn't stay sober for 30 days. The only thing I did longer than 30 days was time. That's fucked up. You know, I mean, I think about this stuff for 57. And I want to just cry. Like, I want to cry. because I can't believe I'm here. I cannot believe I am here.

And not because there was a war or not because the people are going to know. Just the whole thing. I do not believe. This seems like a dream. Like I'm waiting to get woken up on my mother to tell me that breakfast is ready. And for me to go. So Lee was fake. Yeah.

Mercy was fake. Yep. Colorado was fake Stand-up was fake yeah You didn't die No You were drunk last night You just slept 13 hours

Like I'm still waiting for my mother To wake me up with this dream I think about that a lot sometimes What if I just woke up and it wasn't real This has to be a dream All these people that I met It has to be a dream You know

I didn't believe it in 1982 that my mom was going on. I thought it was a dream. With 2020, and I'm still sitting here going, this is just a bad joke that somebody's playing on somebody. Any minute now, some kids

going to kick me, and I'm going to wake up in that rocket ship from a hangover, and they're going to go, wake up. And I'm going to go, where am I? I'm like, you're in North Bergen, on 80s. Where did you think you were? North Hollywood driving to the comedy store, and I'm going to go, no.

I thought, yeah, that's what's going to happen. I'm fearing that. that this is just an whole or 12-hour sleep. Because this couldn't have happened. I never saw this coming. I never planned for this. I never expected this. At what point, like in the last five years,

have you started planning for it? Or like, at what point did this become a reality? Or is it still not a reality at all? You know, only I'm at home at 6 o'clock every night, 6, 6.30, eating dinner, I listen to. my daughter say prayers. And then two hours later, I'm at the best comedy club in the world

telling dirty jokes. Talking to the best comics working today, from Bill Burr to Mark Marin to Whitney Cummings to Ali Wong to Tom Segura. And I get my car. How do you think I feel? How do you think I feel? Like I just, you know,

I could just call in. Andrew Dice Clay. I still remember renting out the halfway house to watch Andrew on New Year's Eve, 89, or 90 or something like that. I still remember

renting the downstairs room, conference room at the halfway house to watch Andrew Dice Clay. How can I have Andrew Dice Clay's number on my phone? How can I just talk to him and ask him for advice like I do? How can I just call him and ask him asking for wisdom like I do.

I mean, are you crazy? This has to be a dream. This is a joke. Either this is a joke that started when my mother died, or this is a joke. We're in 88, and I'm going to wake up, and I'm going to go to court this morning. And I'm going to go, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

So wait a second. I didn't do this already. Like, I didn't do my time. Nah, you've been sleeping since Friday. You did a three-day of Coke. and you. And now you've been asleep. That's what I'm waiting for.

To be woken up and for them to say, hey, come on, get up. You're running late for court. What are you talking about? You're getting sentenced this morning. And for me to go, what about Whitney Cummings? Who? Right. What about Joe Rogan?

Who? Who's Joe Rogan? My friend from Boston, the UFC. What's the UFC? Yeah. Like, that's what I'm waiting on any day now. Yeah? Like, so there's not an hour.

where people fight and people, yeah, what are you talking about? Like, that's what I'm waiting on. What about the movie Gladiated? What are you talking about? Russell Crow, when he stabbed the guy, did that movie come out? What are you talking about? You go on a court in five minutes. You're running late.

That's how I feel, guys. That's how it hasn't ever sunken in. I think the line's just playing a joke on me. And I just went along now at this point. I'm just going, okay, yeah. It's like that episode of the Twilight Zone when the guy robs the bank, and he's about to jump over the fence, and he gets shot.

I don't see that. And he lands on the floor, and he wakes up, and Sebastian Cabot is dressed in white. He says, get up, come on, let's go. Before all the cops come, and he goes, who are you? And he goes, I'm your guardian angel, you know. Oh, okay. And he takes him back to this hotel and he takes him to the penthouse and he goes, you live here.

You know, and the guy's like, what are you talking about? I'm a criminal. He goes, you live here. This is your house. You know, and get ready. We're going to the ball tonight. You know, and he goes to this ball and there's all these hot women. He's taking three of them home a night.

He's shooting dice and he's winning at dice and he comes home one night. The guy is there, he tells him, like, oh, my God, this place is great. I can't believe, you know, heaven is so great. If I would have known this, I would have robbed that bank 20 years ago and got shot. This is tremendous. I'm having the best time in my life. The guy goes, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. You're not in heaven.

You're in hell. That's what I feel like. Like, one of these days some guy's going to appear. You know, I was thinking about something that happened when I was a kid about two months before my mom died. Santa Ria has like three different sectors. The Saints, it has the, and it has this other sector that I grew up on called a peritimo. Petitismo is the, it's when somebody, a certain time in a month, passes the spirit. I wasn't too much into that

That was a tough one for me What I mean passes the spirit? The spirit of Pachuco comes into Lee On the third Wednesday every month Okay So me, your father Your brother Steve Simone

Eric A couple chicks we come over here And once a month you pass that spirit We'll play some music for you We'll put some Stuff on and all of some will beg to the God to bring the spirit to pass it through you and that spirit passes through you and it speaks to you to people

that was the craziest thing I ever saw in my life growing up all right but there was one particular spirit a lady that was a friend of my moms that passed this spirit like once every two months and stuff and I remember her saying something to me once and talking to me and me sitting there going I can't believe these people believe this shit, you know. It was creepy as can be. Till this day, I don't know, right or wrong from it.

It's something I don't like practice. And once my mom died, I never went to another one of those. I said, Betty Diemall things ever again. It's like a seance of Spanish people. Okay. But instead of with a Ouija board, it's like a person, like a spirit comes into me, and I talk to people. And right before my mom died,

the Cuban lady lived across the street from my mom, a big fat black Cuban lady and I remember we called a gauda that means fat in Spanish and I mean on Sundays my mom would be cooking and she'd be in limer and watching Yankee games

and she could tell when the lady would take the lid off the pot and dip bread in and eat and my mom would yell back to like my mom had got great hearing and she was saying or da

susses della la la La Casillas, you know, whatever, the kitchen. She would say, yeah, I forget how you call a pot. That's as an anikila, you know, stop eating that shit, you know, because she would dip. And then she ate all the bread. Then when the food came, she would.

Anyway, once a month, that lady passed the spirit. Maybe two or three months before my mom died, I got home. I'm like, where the fuck is my mom? Where the fuck is her? But the purse was there, everything was there. I was like, oh, they're probably across the street. So I went across the street looking for my mom. And sure enough,

The lady's there, and she's got, like, white powder on her face. She's dark-skinned, and she's got, like, this white stuff you put on. It's called Kakaria. It's seashell powder that they compact. Okay. And they used a lot. I used it a lot at home to clean my house, like, to clean the front door, and on Mondays, I use it.

But she had it, like, blown in her face. It was, like, a black chick with, like, fucking dough in her face. Like, you know, when a baker makes them, they have that powder. of the flower, and she was like, I'm happy you're here. Your father has a message for you. I was like, ah! And I just ran out.

And that's the last time I talked to that lady. My mother died. I don't know what the hell happened to that lady. But the point of the story is that I still feel like I'm going to wake up one day, and this was just all the dream. This couldn't have happened. Not where I came from,

not how low in the position I was in life. Here's what I think about that. Let's say it was, would you go for comedy, do you think? Like, if you woke up and it was a dream, you'd be like, all right, I know what I got to do. Oh, yeah. This is definitely, you know, I mean, I'm talking about all those rooms I did with Rogan that didn't happen. All those gigs I did with Duncan and, you know, every time I opened up for Paul Moon, you know, that ever happened.

Me meeting Richard Pryor at the store never happened. Like, none of that happened. Mitchie Short, people would say, like, who's, like, who, you know, Who's Mitsy Shaw? It's 1988. People like... Yeah. I don't think the comedy still came open until...

Yeah, it was open already. Yeah, it was open. But I'm like, what? Like, who... Like, what? Where would I wake up at this point? I don't know. Like, let's say he woke up, like, going to court.

That's what I think. Like, this is just a big joke. Hey, man. That's how weird this is for me. When I look at night that my daughter and my wife, and I know I got a second chance to be a dad, and I got a second chance of being a human being.

I can't believe it, that life turned out like this. I really can't. And I'm happy. I'm happy I went for it. I mean, listen, I'd be depressed if I woke up and this was a dream. I'd be sad if it didn't happen. Then I'd have to live to make it happen.

I'd have to invent a Joe Rogan and invent a Burke Chrysher, and invent a Thompson girl like but I just don't know I just it's so surreal for me let's see let's see where the hell is you know I guess it's time to go see if

you guys live in your dream I don't know this has just been a tremendous experience and I'm talking like if I'm dying tomorrow I hope I don't die tomorrow knock on wood but it's the truth this has just been and it's not

out of reach anybody could do this You know, I think back what the purpose was when you came to me and said, hey, I think you should start a podcast. And what I always want to let people know is that there are no rules. There's no rules. I'm happy that I never believed in the rules. I'm happy that I defied authority. I'm very happy. I wasn't part of the status quo.

I'm very happy that when people told me what was. was funny, I didn't agree with them and say, that is funny. I'm going to watch every week because you watch it. I'm very happy I was the renegade that I was. You know, I'm very happy that I didn't listen to Mike Gannon's counselor. I'm very happy that I lived off my instinct. You know, your instinct is there. Use it. It's there for a reason. Don't be scared of it and don't double guess it. If your instinct tells you something, it's for a reason. That, that was put in your heart by God. Instinct will save you thousands of years of misery, you know?

And listen, I put a lot of misery in my life, but my instinct got me. I went through 30 years of misery. I could have gone through 50 if it wasn't for my instinct. So trust your instincts, you know. That's what they're there to tell you. This is not good. This is good. Be honest, you know.

I was always very honest. myself in the beginning. You know, we were laughing today about me coming out with the fake tits, with the cups, and, you know, me having a girl playing Maraca. They were just experiments. And even if they weren't an experiment,

I took something out of them. I took something out of everything I did. I remember in 2000, after Josh Wolf got his deal, I was like, I'm going to get myself a deal from doing a one-man show. And without rehearsing, Unfortunately, without nothing, I, me, I thought that I could write a one-man show in one night.

Oh, no. Oh, yeah. I got tons of these. I got tons of mistakes stories. Wow. There's no way for me even to explain that to people. Like to write an hour show in one night? Oh, you should have thought.

You should have seen me. I thought I was, you know, the guy that wrote the book about it. Hell's Angels. I thought I was like Johnny Arthur. And then my cocaine, deranged, comedy. I was still green. I was a regular at the store already and stuff. I knew the ropes. But for some reason, I thought I was going to go tell this witty story at the HBO workspace. And HBO was going to give me a show. So what I did was I took a, but again, listen to the story before you call me a retard. because I'm calling myself a retard, but I took a sheet of paper

and I wrote a story of line for the Sopranos. I wrote a storyline of who Biggs Pussy's brother is. I forget. If I look, I guarantee I still have it. It was a sheet of paper with a picture on me on the corner and then the storyline of what was my name. I was like Charlie Bumpincerro. I had just come out of jail for 12 years.

I was in a different crew. and now I come back and cause it was like it was like Jackie Appreel's character and the Sopranos I just got out of jail I'm going to cause traffic so I got my manager

to send it to the Sopranos to send them like flyers like I got an HBO workspace and New York was in the it was like in East Village or something like that they had tapes so what they did is

HBO taped everything and then they sent it to HBO and my fucking lottery ticket creepy mind I figured once they see the tape I get a call from HBO so I scheduled this thing had just started dating Terry this had to be either August

or September of 2000 and I I'll never figure this is why her and I got married is because of this reason right there we were dating a month I was sleeping at Celine in a host's house God rest her soul she's the one who Ralphie stayed with

for three months before Ralphie moved to L.A. and then Celine followed. In fact, I all her son, I call. I keep meaning to call them. And Celine had a house. Ricky Cruz from Miami lived there. Stacey Buccalo little lived there. Another friend of ours that lives in Santa Barbara. And I would sleep whatever apartment was open. In those days in the building, Jody had an apartment.

Gavin had an apartment. Ralphie had an apartment and Celine had an apartment. So anybody who, and Gentry had an apartment. So anybody who was out of town, there was always somebody out of town, that's whose apartment I would sleep at. So if Ralphie was out of town, I'd stay at his bed for five days. If Celine was going to go on a work, shoot, I'd go to stay on her couch for three days. If Gavin left the door open, I'd sleep on his couch for one day.

you know, it was... Rotating. So on this particular night, I was staying on Saline's couch. Terry had come home because of those days, after the comedy store, there was still people up.

Right. So in those days, after the comedy store, too, we went, we went out, and we would still find comedy store people around. We went to Saline's house

when the night. We stayed there. My flight was like at 8.30 in the morning. So I figured why go to bed? Right. So we went back over there or some of us partied. Then they were,

Everybody went to sleep with me and Terry stayed alone. And we just slept on the couch for like one hour. When I got up, I remember that I had somebody who's giving me a ride to the airport already. They were going to the airport or something. Right. But I remember Terry asking me, do you have money? And I basically, Lee had like maybe $18 and like two joints and like eight cigarettes. And I was going to New York.

And I would get taken care of once I was in New York. I had friends that would give me money. and but she asked me if I had money and I was like no and she gave me whatever money she made that night waitressing she gave me plus she gave me her cigarettes and she said she had change at the house and that she was going to go to right to work anyways and she was going to sleep all day and call the one I got to New York I never forgot that gesture that she did she gave me every dollar she had every dollar she gave me the whole thing in her wallet, $66.42, whatever the fuck it was.

And she gave me a cigarette. And because of that, it's the reason why we're married today. Wow. Because I never forgot that gesture. That gesture, you know, this is a town where you tell a girl that you're broke, they leave you. Yeah. You know, you tell a girl you're broke in this town, they leave you. She raised, she put a hand down. So nine years later, I said to myself, how can I not marry this one. But anyway, it's Monday the 2nd of March and you got yourself a whole new church episode on a Monday morning and that's it and that's that. I'm happy you guys listen today. I don't know what the hell we talked about for the last hour. I hope it's interesting and I hope

it gets you going on the Monday morning. Do not forget Thursday, the 12th of March. I am at Levity Live in Nyack, New York with my man, Andrew Non-Mondon. the aisle sitting in the front row. What else do I have in March? I got March 27th at Arlington Theater in Santa Barbara, California. Just two little dates because I'm finishing up some shooting in New York. And so I just got two little dates for this month. So I got May 12th at Niagara.

March, March 12th at Levity Live and March 27th at the Arlington Theater. and Santa Barbara, California. Before we go, I want to mention our sponsors. Number one, on it, as usual, AlphaBrain, Shroom Tech, Shroom Tech Sport, Shroom Tech Immune, CMT, or, I mean, listen, I love them. I live off their protein powder. I use the Alpha Brain in Cycles, the Shroom Tech immune. I use whenever I either go to kickboxing or Jiu-Jitsu.

I don't use it when I lift because then I want to throw the weights out the window. I get so fired up. I get anxiety. I take it under different conditions, but I love the protein powder. I love the new mood. I love their products. I wouldn't have them on my show if I didn't love them. So do me a favor.

If you're thinking that your memory's slipping or you're not going too sharp, give off a brain a try. You got 100% money back guarantee, and they don't want the product back. Nobody does that in today's economy. Nobody does that in today's world. Number two, I want to talk to you about something real quick. So, on the way out and on it, press in church and get 10% off delivered right to your house. On it, that's the way to go.

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But it all starts with Manscape. So do me a favor. Get 20% off from free shipping when you go to Manscape.com slash church. Again, that's Manscape.com slash church for 20% off your first order. Get Manscaped and get laid. I want to thank Manscape. I want to thank Honor.com. but most importantly, I want to thank you guys for always having our back and listening.

This is the first Monday of the month podcast. We always just do us and just do a very informal one just to let you know. We love you and we still care about you. Do not forget March 12th, Niagara, New York, and March 27th up there in Santa Barbara, beautiful city. And that's it and that's that. Have a great day. We'll be back Wednesday. Stay black and have a great week.

this Mule Lysayette.