The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #767 - Brian Redban

Episode Date: March 9, 2020

Brian Redban, a stand up comedian, the creator of the Deathsquad network, and heard on "The Joe Rogan Experience" and "Kill Tony" podcasts, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt LIVE in studio. This podcast is brought to you by:   DraftKings - Download DraftKings Sportsbook now and use code CHURCH to get $1000 sign up bonus.    Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH at checkout for a 10% discount on your first order.

Greetings, you bad motherfuckers. It's Monday, the 9th of March. Hold on one second. You can't stop Monday off without a motherfucking bong it. Greetings from Podcastville. The church of what's happening now is brought to you by, and I want to welcome to the church of what's happening now. Draft Kings. Guys, it's conference tournament time. March Madness. Who's going to be repping? The Big East. The world will know by Sunday. But if your third eye is tingling now, you better go to Draft King's Sport book and cashing on that feeling. Listen, NCAA's coming.

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Or what the fuck we call this the bat cave Is my main man Mr. Brian Redband Is up Uncle Joey You got the Christ killer here on my side Looking good Still fucking coughing What are you gonna do

He's got the fucking thousand month cough This poor best I have that Yeah the dry cough is what my dad It never ends I don't know Whenever I get a little bit of It ends when you eat somebody's ass home No it doesn't

Then it goes away. You haven't eaten nobody's snatching a year. It's a year. It's like four months. Four more. You haven't eaten nobody's asshole in the fucking a year. Where was that at the strip club? Oh, I did eat that asshole in the strip club.

Yeah. No, you lick the fucking, uh, the butt plug. The butt plug, which is right now I'm surprised you're not hanging in a room with Chinese people looking at each other with white suits. It is freaky traveling right now. I was in Vancouver and man, like the plane was. half Chinese. Oh no.

You just, you're as good as dead. You don't even know. You're as good as dead. Yeah. Those places, next week, I go right into the zone. I got to go to LAX, that zone number one hotspot. More fucking Chinese

people crawl through there. In Canada, wait until they start spreading in Canada. And I'm not racist to Chinese. I'm just telling you what the fuck's going on. These people bringing it in from planes. Yeah. I knew it would be from planes. It's easy. That's a quick. I got to go to JetBlue, Kennedy, and back.

That's five and a half hours of sitting there in that radiation. You know, you come off the fucking plane, you're glowing in the fucking dark. So I take my life into my hands next week for this. But guess what, after that, I don't have to get on the plane again until the 1st of May. So I got a long time to this, no, April 17th and 18th. And Reno, I'm going to take JetX because why fuck around for the extra 50 bucks? and then from Reno to Portland I'll take whatever

and then Portland out to fly into Burbank and then we'll figure out if it's worth going to LAX or not if it's not we cancel every day out of LA after it's nothing you could do yeah nothing you could do I had the mask on you gotta get the mask in the classes

it kills my age it's killing people my age they're going for me do I have respiratory problems listen to my heavy breathing I'm the perfect fucking candidate so I can't that's it I'll end this whole fucking touring thing and it's a reality it's a reality that might spread by the summer it might they say it ends in April and they'll pick back up in September when it gets cold in October and then you know who the fuck knows but we don't really know nothing people coming in they're not getting tested they're saying that they're going on the news and nobody even said boo to me nobody said boo to me here I am sweating bullets and fucking my eyes are dilated nobody even looked at into my eyes.

Let him the hypnotist. There's nobody, nothing, nothing. A swab or your tongue, nothing. Well, even before the coronavirus, there's always someone's sick on a plane. Oh, there's always a motherfucker. That's why I take those jet blue seats solo.

There's a reason. There's a reason. If I have to go to the East Coast, I'm not sitting somebody because you always get bad luck. I always get bad. I don't say, listen, when I go on a plane, there ain't nobody I want to talk to that sits next to me. Every once in a while, an older woman

that's married, you could talk to them because they know you don't want no action. So, you know, nobody's hit on this fucking old bat in 50 fucking years. You know, they know you're just talking to them. Like, where are you going? Oh, no, no. What do you do for a living? I tell them, you know, I'm an undercover DA agent.

I never tell them I'm a comic. And then sometimes they're like, wait a second, I've seen you in a movie. Then they got me. Until that time, I'm always undercover DAH. You're the worst undercover agent? No, I tell them out of the bat. and then someone will come up to me and fuck my shit up hey joey we love you on rogan god damn it i just told this lady i was a d a a agent i was going deep deep deep undercoven the gambino

fucking family what's up brian redban how much it is weird like those planes do you think they spray him down not even nothing nothing how many times have you sat there and seen 20 nationalities from all over the world walk off a plane and within two minutes They're like boarding A1. You got to get somebody in there with a can of lysol. Real lysol. Spray the plane. You know, get people, wipe the planes down.

This is part of the airlines industry. This is where we're getting fucking fucked in the ass. For years, I've been saying that. What do you think? Now I've been handy wiping those planes. My wife told me about this three years ago. I get on a plane when everybody's seating. I wipe my seat down, the handle, that tray.

your hands again. Especially if you're a window guy because I'm like the guy that's always leaning my cheek on the window. I haven't touched the doorknops since I'm fine. I don't know how people touch a doorknob. It's the most disgusting

fucking thing in the world. Yeah. You know, I don't touch a fucking doorknob. I use my sweater. Yeah, keep going to 7-Eleven and pushing that handle. That's the first place you're going to get it. You know, 7-Eleven, those places.

So you also have to be conscientious. You've got to wash your fucking hands. Listen. I love you to death, Brian. I'm not smoking a joint with you. That's true, too. Especially, like, you go to, you're on the road, smoking with all these fans and stuff.

That's never going to happen. It killed Ralphie Mae because he got that bronchitis. And think, Lee, if you got bronchitis, and you had to fly the travel, every time you got on that plane, it's three hours of far and fucking going into your weakened immunity. Weekend immunity. community. Once I hear a cough, the plane ride gets canceled.

It's not worth. I'd rather can't. Why? Why would I go to Columbus, Ohio, perform sick and coughing and tearing? They don't want to see that Joey Diaz. And I don't want them to see that Joey Diaz. We'll do it next night. When it's now flu season, we fucked up. Sorry. You know? Yeah. Right or wrong? I mean, you're 100% right. You know, listen, the reason why the flu gets spread, and you know how many times I go to karate with my daughter? And the kid next door goes, and then there you go. Well, it's also allergy season. It's really bad here.

I don't get a fuck about allergy seeds. My allergy's killing me. Somebody sneezes, I open up a car window. Yeah. Whether it's allergies, chin, chin juice, whatever the fuck it is. I'm at the comedy store. Somebody sneezes. I move out of the fucking area.

You know, there's a thousand things. You know, now you've got to go to a comedy store and finger pump. Tuesday nights, half of them are immigrants. They just came through whatever port. God knows. You got a finger pump and no hugs. Listen, we're going up straight up, gangsters. We're doing pictures with, unless you got a fucking body suit on.

Unless you got like horns, like if you're going to hunt for bees, you know, those guys that wear the bee hats and shit with the white suit. We need to start wearing gloves again, like, like isotoners. Remember when an isotoner was really good? Like, why aren't we wearing gloves? Because O.J. fucked it up. Now if you walk around with gloves. A couple months ago, a lot of people celebrating. you on being the podfather.

And I was thinking about it. And I'm like, you know, I still remember busing your balls when you and Joe would go up to the room and bust my balls. Like, come on, come up to the room and do a podcast. I'm like, oh, yeah, a cops. Who's up at 14 years old?

Who's up at midnight? A bunch of 14-year-olds and you guys would smoke and I'd lose my mind. Yeah, you didn't. You hated it. I remember you were like, close that. Close. Turn that camera. Oh, my God. The eyes were. watching us. You want to give

them the evidence to come here and hang us. We're illegal in D.C. and here we are smoking with chimneys. They're going to see us. And then somebody called Joe's management and said that their kid did DMT because he watched one of the podcasts. Oh, shit, no way. Do you remember that?

You don't remember? No, I don't remember that. So all that talk had to go away. Like, all this was fucking, like, I still remember it going down. Then you guys started doing it on a couch. Those pop up from time to time of us sitting together on a couch. That's not weird.

Me next to Ari with hair with a t-shirt. I think eventually there's going to be like a history book written about it. Because those early podcasts, like the fleshlight days of the Joe Rogan podcast are why I'm here. That's how I found all you guys. Those podcasts are legendary. Some of them don't hold up well, though. They're like an old movie where you sit back and watch and we're bitching at about something like, you know, some crazy conspiracy or something

like AIDS isn't real and you're like what the fuck are we talking about who cares though you're comedian I don't know I don't look at it like that I just I miss those days it's funny what my pops up on my screen

once a month every time I open up YouTube and let's say I'm scrolling for a certain like the first homepage one thing always pops up like oh wow and it's like like an ice hot box crown the chronicle. One popped up about 10 days ago.

I am fucking high as a kite. And it was right around the time my wife was pregnant. I said I had to go home because I got a pregnant wife. I watched it for a few. Isn't that weird? It's like a time capsule. There had to be seven of us in that room barking into a microphone. Rogan, me, you.

I watched the one when Doug Stanhope called me Joey Jingle. That's right. And I was dying. And then I did one with me, Stan Hope. Yeah, and you got mad about it. I remember, did you get my... I'm not Joey, I didn't take her money. No, I sure I got mad.

I wouldn't accuse me. It's something I didn't do. If I did it, I did it. But the reason I adore Stanhope on Rogan is because I egg them on to light cigarettes. Oh, yeah. Like, I'll pull him in the sign. Listen, Rogan loves me.

He loves to smell a... cigarette smoke. And Doug Sandhoap look at me going like, you're fucking crazy. He doesn't like cigarettes. Yes, he does. He just don't like telling people. Because every time

Doug Stano takes a cigarette out, he'll talk to Joe like this for a minute. Then he goes, every time he does that noise, Joe spied to jump a little bit. And I would fucking die. Because I know it's eating away at Joe

every time you hear. And isn't that crazy the early episodes were in Joe's house and we're lighting up cigarettes inside of his house. You know how insane that sounds nowadays? Wait, you were smoking cigarettes in Rogan's house in his office?

Oh my God. Look at what this is fucking McComb. It's insane. When you sit back and look at the years and the big podcast that was supposed to be big and

disappeared and the concept podcast, but still This is what America still wants to hear is the basic with tapping into your conversation podcast. You know, just three people, two guys, talking shit. You know, I love when people contact you and say, hey, this guy would be perfect on your podcast. You know, like Gabriel, got a million fucking downloads

because I've known them for 20 years, and that comes through over the microphone. People feel the love. You know, when I go on Rogan, I'm like this dumbest guest. I don't know, I've been on there a lot. And I get fucking more hits to those geniuses. I left my ass off. They're like geniuses with glasses talking about biochemics.

And you've got to read the post to those. I love when Joe has scientific eulogist on. You're a fucking dummy. You know that? You're probably sitting there with your glasses on. You've got 20-20 vision. You just want people to think you're smart. It's so weird that then I go on.

on there because we're not saying nothing that they haven't heard already they feel the love going through the microphone they feel this guy really cares this guy when ralph you would come on here you know when you come on here

when eddy comes on here they feel that those podcasts we get great numbers because we sit here and hum I was going to eat two garlic pills for the daytime I ate them last night so

You gotta watch out for those things They make me burp And like nonstop No, they don't make that clean They clean They're clean, that's my feet You far out of me for eight hours I'd rather fart than I'd rather it to go out

Than to me to go in And smell burp all fucking day You know what that was like the hot restaurant When I came here It's a worst restaurant The garlic one And it's Stinking Rose

What's it's just yeah It's got to be an outside patio That's the only way I'll go there next time I don't because I don't want to last time I left there on paper it's a great restaurant it really is from the minute you get to they give you a huge piece of bread with a roasted garlic and you squeeze the garlic clothes out it's better than fucking butter it's better than butter you sit there going how could this be and then you get everything and fuck it yeah that place is great but no watching those early that's 10 years ago more so it's even longer now

Some of those are like when me, you and that one dude used to do it like would just be like in a van. Like somewhere here in North Hollywood would go get some food and just put a MP3 recorder down in between us all. You know, remember when we used to do, you didn't probably don't even remember those. Like we used to just record at a restaurant. And like there's a picture of us like outside in the parking lot doing a podcast with a little MP3 recorder. I still remember me, you and Ari on my steps talking about cats. That's right. Podcasts, podcasts.

Podcasts. You know, you think about all this shit, you go, wow. It's like we were doing comic. We were open micers of podcasting. We were open micers. That was our first five years. We did craziness. We did live podcasts.

I mean, you guys have turned Kill Tony into a fucking machine. Yeah, huge monster now. I watch Kill Tony sometimes. And I die a laughter. But I'm also watching. you guys are doing international. And I tell you what pisses me on. That not even true TV has reached out.

Oh, yeah. It's, it's, this is a show that is, could be fucking enormous. I think they're kind of scared of it because one of, it's one of the last shows that I think is still raw. And like, there's like,

there's nothing PC about it. Like, we actually lean against it, you know, it's, and I think, you know, they look at them like,

well, there's a reason for the internet, Because of this show, you know, we can't. I mean, let's get an internet company involved. And Monday night, you pay-per-view it, and you really have real people. I agree. Real opinions and say, you know what?

Go shoot yourself. I mean, you know, people want to see that guy that's got the balls to tell a young comic to shoot down his dreams. I don't have the balls to tell a comic to shoot down his dreams. I'd say something, whatever, but I'd end up a positive note.

I'd always end up. No, I don't have the balls to tell somebody. Especially nowadays. You don't know who you're talking to. We've got that purse house murder on last month. So you don't know. Half these people, you know. I'm not, but I tell you.

Do or die. When I think about kill Tony sometimes, I think about the people who used to say shit to me when I first started saying comedy. I got to tell you something. 70% of the feedback, they would say something to me. but it would always be probably they'll lose that joke.

That hurts. That hurts. When you fucking stay up one night and you think a joke is good, and it is a good joke. You just said it in the wrong place and it ain't such a bag of dicks that the guy you're working with

is like, just get rid of that joke. And that, that hurts, you know? Like, that hurts. Nobody wants to hear that. But there's certain people that I've known for 20 years that we should just put on killed talking. just to tell them why they've been here for 20 years and nothing has happened.

Yeah. And we get that too. Some of these guys, we've been doing comedy for 20 years and you're like, what the hell? Because this is what happened. Yeah. You know that joke you do? You never got rid of it.

Yep. You never got rid of it. You know, when you're doing, I told him yesterday, you're friends for four years. Wait, when you think you're writing for a special? Just write and get on stage every night. that's it just get over those three-year home where finally people start

them seeing in clubs and LA you know we're in the heart of comedy here then it's not like there's a shortage of comics here right you know everybody's chasing the same fucking nickel when you're in LA so the only way to go on nickel is to be creative you got to be creative

and hustle and find that fucking way but it's three or four fucking years you know I don't know I just always felt kill Tony should be on TV HBO I agree Friday it's a TV show I even feels like a TV show when we're doing it I could see it when I watch it I'm like this is a TV show have you thought about doing like a tournament nationwide or something like best over well the yeah cash is Morris showed up oh yeah he came

I was so upset that he didn't go on because I would love there's a few people like like last night dumbfounded I don't know if you know dumb founded Jonathan Park he's He put his name in the bucket. And I was like, oh, man, I would love this of seeing, you know, somebody that I love as a rapper do one minute on Kill Tony. And then you had Cassius. We've known since what he was 14. I would love to have seen him. And that's the only bad thing about it.

Did he reach out to you? Oh, no, I knew he was there. But, you know, the whole thing is it's a bucket, you know? And there's been so many times where I'm like, maybe we could just bend the rules. But then that defeats the purpose. Yeah. And I tell you, some of these shows, you go to the middle of no way. and these people are like never done comedy before never wants to do comedy they just are a fan

they want to sign up and then it's just like and they want to get people to say shut up what that joke well yeah we just want people to actually only sign up if you want to actually try to do comedy not just because you're a fan and you just want to be on stage you know because then it becomes like any gross bar show and Myrtle Beach or something like that you know like it's that's there's negatives part of it but when it works it works when that when that buckets You know, sometimes that bucket's amazing the shit that comes out of it, you know? Before you guys did this,

and I've been just talking about this recently, I mentioned it to Lee. How you got status in comedy 30 years ago? When I got into comedy, it was very simple. Nobody was given away special except HBO and showtime once in a while. And if you showtime off of your special, I think you took it,

but you called HBO and said, this is your last chance. Right. This is your last chance. I'm threatening you. I'm going to go showtime. Showtime's got my back, you know. So the only way you got ahead, you think I'm kidding you.

The only way you got ahead was with the Johnny Walker Red competition, comedy competition, which was nationwide. HBO had a national competition, which was nationwide. And I did the Beck's comedy competition, the Rocky Mountain Edition. so they had it in California, the Rocky Mountains, Iowa, Chicago, New York. They would do six cities. And then we were supposed to do a national champion. But then Bex just said, we'll do that next year. And I don't think they ever did the contest.

Right. I don't think they did the contest. Yeah, there's the only bad thing about the contest part, then you start feeling like all the other shows, like America's got talent or idol or whatever and shit like that. So what we do is we give out the golden ticket. So if we find somebody in a city and they're just so freaking amazing, we give them a golden ticket, meaning anytime we're in that city or anytime anywhere near, you get to go up automatically

if you come to the show. And a lot of these people come to L.A. And then they get, you know, hey, we got a golden ticket winner here. You might remember her from Alabama, you know, blah, blah, blah. So that's kind of cool because we actually have starting like a little gang of comics that, like, Preacher Lawson, I don't know if, you know, preacher Lawson, he, you know, before it blew the fuck up. He used to be on Kill Tony. He was almost like a golden ticket.

When we were like, we kept on having him on and just watching. He's amazing. He's amazing. I love pleasure. Yeah, he's one of the nicest people ever. You know,

he's great. But yeah, it's interesting seeing that happen, you know. I think this is the best thing you caught on to. This is, it's fun. And you guys make it fun.

Yeah. Like fucking Jeremiah Walker. God, he's, what won't he do? He's a psycho. He like that dude is so, I know.

He's so. When would he was a lot of him? He will. He will. He will. It's amazing being on the road with him. It's so weird when you go on the road with somebody and you get to see the real him, you know, the real person. Like, who would ever think Jeremiah would be the person that would bring empty water bottles in this filling up his water bottles everywhere he goes? And, you know, he's very particular with everything at the air. It's like it's fun being on the road with some of these guys. And I don't know what happened. I just saw a video on Instagram, Joel, the drummer, who's the nicest guy, possibly in the universe. was running around at your show with like a strap on dildo? Oh, yeah. People challenge him for, so our drummer, amazing drummer, he, you know, he's sponsored by one of the biggest drum companies ever.

He, uh, if we find out somebody that's pulled out of the bucket, knows how to play drums. And if they'll have to play drums good, we have a competition where he, whoever that guy is and Joel, they'll have a drum off. And if the guy, if the crowd votes the guy better at drums, then that guy gets Joel's job and he's now working for us and Joel has to just quit you know and so Joel has to fight for his life from the drums and these some of these people are like dude I've been playing drums for 40 years you know like I'm the best drummer ever and Joel's in the back sweating like trying to put on a costume because like Joel the only reason Joel's won and he's like undefeated is that he makes it a

show like he puts on a strap on dildo while the guy's playing you know he takes off his shirt he does back flips and stuff like he's selling it you know where the other guy's just like You know, 20 years ago, Bleacher's Funhouse. Remember how they blew it up with Paris Hilton? Yeah,

with midgets running around. Yeah, and they're always at the comments right now. The only like, the only, who is? Those bleacher people. Like the little guy and,

yeah, they're there once a week almost. Come on. Yeah. So that show doesn't exist anymore? I don't, I think it might. I don't know.

They loved Rob Kelly, Tripoli, Callant. Like, they loved. I always see them in there with Jeff Ross. Who else? Jeff Ross.

I always see. They always come to hang out with Jeff. Yeah. That was a crazy time in Vegas. And that's what you guys have had. You've had a little bit of that. It's like Circus DeSalle meets fucking. Like gong show almost.

Gong show meets fucking real comics meets it's, it's going to be a TV show today. And it's great because it's the show, we can take it anywhere. You know, like, and it's, it works anywhere. you know like we've even gone overseas to like australia europe ireland and i saw the shows of england or something yeah yeah we were in england sick on the we all yeah we all had uh food poisoning i saw that show and i was blown away it was a theater yeah it was a fucking theater internationally yeah so i was like jesus christ this is this is either you guys have to do a show or uh the best of every city of

around the world and make a theatrical release movie like fucking impractical jokers i'm not blowing smoke up no i agree i agree i'm not into if i don't think it's a good idea it's just getting a camera crew you got to fly them yeah that's where your investment comes in we've had some talks with some companies already and you know the of course the only thing that's kind of sucks is they just still want to change little things and it's like nowadays with youtube and and and and you know you know know, podcasts and stuff, it's like, how much do you need these guys anymore or to make it a show when we just put up three this week? You know, that's the only thing that's nowadays, it's not so cut and dry anymore where it's like, hey, dude, you were giving you, you know, a thing on Hulu. You know, what I would love is them just to repeat our shit on Hulu, maybe up our production a little, you know, our cameras and stuff like that. But just take our product and just replay it instead of, you know, like where we're selling it to them, kind of like how you do. it like how you make a special and then you sold it to whatever didn't you do that like oh i don't have the ball of you that somebody did that i forget who it was that they just make

their own specials and then sell them i forget i thought you did joe yeah joe does that right joe does yeah so that's the way to do it you make the product if you want it you buy it if you don't get out of here because like like every tv show or every hollywood thing's like well you know we think we need to have you know behind the scenes feature ed of this and that and that you And I'm like, no, that's not the show. No one wants to see like this American Idol like, you know, Johnny was born in Alabama. No. No.

They want to see the trumpet. Yeah. A couple fucking people slip it. Yeah. And the one guy goes up and does edibles. Right. Like, there's also got to be three guys you slip edibles to. You know?

Well, I had this great idea and I wish Tony, Tony did not like it. But I had this idea because, you know, the popularity of hot ones and stuff where people are eating hot shit on the internet. I mean, any video on. to YouTube is somebody eating a hot pepper. Like, I had this idea where I would bring something super spicy every week. And if anyone wants to eat this spicy thing, you get to do two minutes, but you have to do it right after you eat it. So people were like taking like, I got this chocolate, just one little teeny piece. You're on fire.

You're crying. It's, you know, and everything. And this guy had to do two minutes right after it. And he's like, so anyways, I was at a bar. Oh, my God. I loved it. I think we did it three times. I might try to bring that back once, but...

That's just not right. It's not right. Listen, man, they turned Hot Wings into a TV. Oh, yeah. That's my friend, Sean, man. Yeah, I congratulate them. That's amazing. Listen, that just goes to show you, you never know.

You were on hot ones. I forgot about that. And you were sweating so bad. How bad was that last couple of them? One through six ain't dick. Right. What got, here's what fucked with me. I'm a fucking asshole like everybody else.

We're all fucking weakened somewhere. I'm going to tell you the truth, just so you know. I watched who was on there before me, and I watched their episodes, and I watched their reactions. But nobody's reaction bothered me more than DJ Khalid. Oh, God. Because here's Ali Baba trying to be fucking Fat Joe. You know, he talks urban, the whole thing. I thought he's around a lot of chicken.

You know what I'm saying? Yeah, Arab, but you're swinging with the brothers. You got to be used to eating that chicken. He can't show up with, you know, that you've never seen collared greens with hummus next to him. So I'm not trying to be racist or anything, but think about it. Fucking... DJ Khalid after like five.

He could not even five. I think he quit after like two or three. He's like, this grew up to me, brother. Yeah. So in my mind, I'm like, if I'm fucking black dude, if a guy who's trying to be black because if I'm walking around trying to be fucking black

I would have snorted those fucking whales you know what I'm saying? Hell yeah so when he tapped at four I was like I'm dead but one is flavorful like two three four

once you get to six yeah it's whenever that where there's one that just yeah it's like taking a little bit too much wasabi it's like taking a little bit dipping that egg rolling

to the mustard a little bit too much and you put it in your mouth and you feel like this like it's like plastic surgery you went you went through like 20 napkins there's a yeah you just can't believe that you did that to yourself that's what it is you do need milk or ice cream but I went unprepared I should have brought like blue cheese I did bring my own blue cheese yeah that was cool that you you brought blue cheese that's right because just in case but it was fine because you want to tell the truth nine and 10 ain't shit right It's only that one.

It's six, seven, and eight. Yeah, it's... That a murder. Murder. Murder. Murder. And then eight, nine are like... By the time you do those three, eight and nine are more peppery.

Mm-hmm. So it's more flavory. And your mouth has been on fire. Yeah, your mouth is burnt from that one. My daughter saw it. She goes, Daddy. The other day, the hot ones commercial came on. She goes, Daddy, you did that.

I go, how do you know you? I did that. She goes, because I saw you with the sweaty shirt. God damn it that's why I found it on YouTube and Doug I was a complete V yeah

and sweat yeah my whole body it just it just shocks your central nervous system to go through that but I still do that to myself once in a while but not through that level that level you know who is a psycho on that

I think it was Chong he didn't break a single tear he didn't act like any of those wings had anything on him. That or I have a theory that they just gave him all wings and he forgot to act, you know, because like, we could only get him on the show if we didn't sauce the wings up, you know, because he was trying to sell something the whole time. It was a little weird, but he didn't react at any of those wings.

And it made me go, I wonder if they had some special wings for him or something. I'm sure they didn't. But if you look at it, it's pretty crazy how he doesn't even flinch with those hot wings. Well, it's great because you were saying how, like, all the shows that failed and all that. That's true. But even when you went to film it, it was like three cameras and a Zoom recorder and it's trying to like, this guy had an idea. Now it's a TV game show. Like that, like that, it is pretty wild than anything can turn out to that.

Me and my daughter, watch the Jonas brothers. Yeah. Well, it was good? I was crazy. Yeah, she was going, you know, I enjoy it. It's a fun show. He's such a good interviewer too, I think. Let me tell you some, man. I started getting weird calls after that show. Like really weird calls from people I grew up with. Oh, wow.

Saying, hey, man, you're fucking great. Like, my kid sees you on there, like shit like that. That video did a lot. I thank Ari a lot. Like, when you look at the steps to what helped me, it was those stories. Those stories, you never know what it's going to be in this town until you do it.

Just make sure you're prepared and you go out there and you do them and that's it. But I think those stories, those 15-minute segues on Ari's storytelling show will help my career more than anything. Just telling the truth. More than a special, more of the two shitty specials I did, more than, you know.

I think people would like that, like, raw, roughness of that show. That show was so perfect. That show was a perfect show. You don't know what's going to turn the meter with some people, or you don't know what's going to complete the circle for some meter. For me, I feel that that storytelling show fucking healed me. Like, I had those stories in me.

They were good to say them. Sometimes they pop up when I watch them and I get sad. You know what? A couple weeks ago we were having a conversation. They're trying to write a piece about Ralphie. And they were referring to on video. They got them and they asked them questions. And he's saying a bunch of shit that if you know any comic or anybody was on pills,

you know, he'd be saying, remember when I did those tapes for you in 2006 at the House of Blues when I was saying that I wanted to die? Oh, yeah, yeah. Do you remember, you still got those? You should put this up for those people. people yeah they're they're up right now joe dea is ready to die i think it's joe show 11 like i was done yeah like i was eating fucking that's the weekend i went we went in like on thursday and i didn't see you guys till sat right like i was doing eight ball they were delivering it to the room the guy had a come down package and they'd give you those fucking vikin's and shit my friends were in town i wouldn't

go to their hotel and see them i told them i was busy with joe the ufc I was working the UFC. I don't work the fucking UFC. I was in my room snorting up a stone. And then I was forced to go down Saturday to do this fucking show. And these guys got a camera and they're fucking asking me stupid fucking questions. And I was done. Like, I just wanted a quick Coke.

I didn't think it was possible. That's what was going on. Spirit left me. Like, fucking Thursday night we flew in. I basically snorted all night Thursday. Friday Joe did something and I blew you guys off because I was too busy in my room getting high. Wouldn't that be the waynes?

And Saturday, yeah, and Saturday, I fucking finally came out and I took a shower. I was in that room for two days straight. No room service just eating like Hershey. It was a Mandalay Bay. I think it was Mandalay Bay. Yeah, like eating fucking chocolate bars in the refrigerator. The paranoia jerking off in the corner of the mirrors

and the cameras wouldn't see. That's right. You don't know what it's like to call this drug dealer, four in the morning, he answers. And I'm like, I need another one. I'll be there in two minutes. Don't I need to go downstairs? No, I know all the security guards.

He would come right to my room, ask me if I wanted to come down package, the extra package of four sleeping pills and two vikins, two perciccic. Damn. Two Zatics. I need the whole fucking. What are you going to feel like in the morning?

What do you think is going to come out of your mouth in the morning? You have not a stitch of happiness in your life. All the dopamine has been taken out of your brain. I was on a roll for two days. The things I set on those tapes, like, we're just, I always think about that. That was the darkest time of my life. That last year before I quit Coke. Ooh.

Ooh. Isn't that crazy you made it out of that? I mean, how insane is that, Joe? I mean, I even thought you were a goner during those times. When you thought you were dying and stuff like, I was like, oh, man, he's only going to last a couple months. Like, we all, like, kind of thought that, I think. Because you sold it so well. It wasn't that I sold it so well.

It was what I was basically fucking going through. Yeah. Like, I mean, so I did a big movie. I opened up for a road. get on the road. The longest yard, right? I do spots at the store, and this is it.

This is my life. Everybody does a movie in this town. People call them up. People invite them to dinner. You go to meetings. I got nothing. I got one meeting with Tom Hanks who told me I was funny

or something like that and said he called me and I never heard from him again. Really? Yeah. That fucking asshole, what? No, I'm not mad. Let me get that water.

Everyone knows Tom Hanks is the biggest dick. No, no, no. Just kidding. You have no idea what it's like to be at a bar in Houston. Yeah. Like when that movie came out, I was in Houston. And I actually went to see it with the University of Houston football team and the Texans. We all went to a private screening in Houston.

And then I did like a Q&A. And they all came to the show. And when I'm at the show that night, I'm fucking coked up. And I'm at the old Houston last stop. My favorite fucking bar in the world right there with Pete and we're drinking Yeagers. Remember we were fucking going to the bathroom and doing blow. Joe's talking abroad so he don't see nothing. This is 20 fucking years ago.

This is how long. We were kids, Red Band. And what the fuck we were talking about it? Tom Hanks. I got a call from this guy, rest in peace. Bill Doakerman. No. Something, Doakerman.

It was a private call. I was the last one to get a cell phone. Right. So I didn't know what a private call was. So I answered. It's like, hey, it's a dukeman. How you doing? I go, good.

He goes, congratulations on the movie because Dookerman was in Groundhog Day. Is not Tom Hanks? No, that's Bill Murray. That's Bill Murray. But he did something with Tom Hanks, big or something. He goes, I just got a call from a friend of mine. Tom Hanks, you know with a name? I go, yeah.

And at that time, I was just, finished boycotting him. I had boycotted him for a long time. Because of what movie? Because the one about the AIDS, when he had won in Philadelphia. He cried about at the, so I was pissed off at him because I cried.

So I didn't fucking hang out with Tom Hanks. So he came back with Madonna and Rosie O'Donan in the baseball movie. And then I gave him a little lia. I never saw Boris Gump. I never saw a bunch of movies because he was on off. He was on 80. 86th I 86 them for two or three years.

There's no crying in baseball. Yeah, there's no crying. The fucking Yask is going up there and crying. Like, you know people. Like, you ever fucking fucked in the ass. Knock it off Tom Hanks. So, yeah, I got to meet Tom Hanks at Sony. That's awesome.

He bought lunch and asked me a few questions. And I'm like, oh, my God, I'm going to go home and get, like, an offer for like a million dollars. Nothing. I even call the receptionist, sent a gift, thank you for lunch. I never heard nothing. God, I want to know what happened in that conversation. Wouldn't you love a copy of that conversation? So, Joey, tell me about yourself.

What do you remember what you talked about? Maybe you freaked him out. Maybe poor Tom Hanks. He asked me about whatever. He said he had read an interview that I had been in prison. What did I do? Oh, there we go. How did I feel?

No, no, but he was like really, it was, you ever do research? That's what he was doing. He was just doing research. And he asked me a bunch of questions. We talked about the comedy store for a little bit. His Misty's still crazy, you know, stuff like that, you know. He was really nice. It was like an hour.

He sat down with me in like an office, and they brought that regular Sony lunch, the ones they make for the executives. I don't know what it was. I had a choice like Salisbury steak or mushroom soup or something. And, you know, I didn't know what to expect. I want to see the time frame now to see what role that he might have been researching. Let's see. It was after League of Your Own.

We're going to find out that he's castaway. But I mean, I'm not even anywhere near that. But I can't imagine how tough it is being in this town and thinking, oh, this is going to happen, this is going to happen. And it just doesn't. No wonder people go crazy. It doesn't happen because you don't make it happen. And that's what makes people go crazy.

They don't even give it a shot of making it happen. You know, it's really weird for a guy like me. I know who I am. I'm 57 years old. The charade is over. Look at me. The only role I'm good for is grandpa from the Munster's over. If they remake the Munster's grandpa, I'm fucking Grandpa.

I'm going to be the best grandpa that ever was on the Munsters, all right? Beside that, look at me. I got made me another two years on stage before I fall off the fucking stage. I'm old. I can't walk around. I can't see right. you know I'm free you'd be a good landlord for a three's company reboot I'm free right now I'm as free as a whistle I'm a Lawrence what's Leonard skinner that free bird I'm a free bird you can't

get mad at what I say because you can't take nothing from me I go to the comedy store which is my church and I'm a Mitchie short protege I'm exactly what you wanted you to do on stage to be a wild man and not care. You know that, you know, there was a time when she didn't want the industry in there. She threw them out. You know that, right? I would love that.

She paid them, she made them pay for tickets. The industry knew they weren't invited at the comedy store. She said, I make you comics act creepy. And it does. All of a sudden, like, oh, hi, how are you? Who showcasing? Lee, oh, hi, how are you?

People who have never spoken. In those days, when you went to, to the comedy store and there was an asterisk next to your name, that means somebody was coming to see you. And four people would actually come down there to wait to see who was coming to see you.

And as soon as two guys, these people would never say hello to you. They'll never talk to you. They'll never cheer for you. You've asked them for gigs and they've told you now. While those two people are there, they'll come up to you and go, Lee,

how you doing, buddy? Great to see you. And all of a sudden, they just stand there. You're like, Red Band, this is Lee. Lee, this is Red Band. Oh, from CIA, yeah, oh. Maybe I should send you a tape and your insides fracture because this is your meeting and this motherfucker who's never said hello to you

and this whole fucking life now in front of those agents is being cool to you. Right. So Mitzie didn't like all that shit. So she used to say, it makes people creepy. I agree. So she would make them pay and take the asterisk down. I talked to her about take the asterisk down.

I can't even mention the name to the people. There's some that still around that would show up on those nights and be your buddy and buy you a drink and cut it on your coming. Bring scripts. You have no idea. I can mention names to you that your head would blow up. that happened to me once being here I got a script for you oh yeah

I think you all would be great for this it's the worst just give it back to listen say it to CIA and don't take care of the rest but I don't know I love I used to torture rogan people rogan people are the best

the ones that call you and ask you for his number and you're like yeah I got his number hold on grab a punt and you make them hold and they're looking at that partner going we got Rogan I'm waiting yeah Joey you know we love you right yeah we just want Rogan's number because we have a gig for him

and we want to see what he thinks yeah let me get grab a pet sure take your time all right here it is you ready 310 888 888 888 888 that's William Morris. That's his number. And you can hear him crack over the phone.

But what about his personal number? I can't give you that. Call suspect management out of New York or call William Morris. Have a good day. And I just hang up on it. Yeah, I usually give out the Planned Parenthood number. I'll just like find out.

I had a half of fucking fag producer call me. about a month ago. He didn't even call me. I've known this guy for 25 years. Always been a sweetheart of a guy. I've never really done business with him. He's always doing stupid shows, so there's no reason for me to be out

like I don't talk to him, whatever. He's asked me about it to do a couple of his shows, and I've always told him I'm busy on the road that week. About a month ago, out of nowhere, he Facebooks me, which really, And he goes, hey, man, I need a big favor from me. We missed out on this casting notice, and we need a guy in two days to fill a host position. I think it'll pay $15,000.

Is there any way you give me Rogan's info? And I go, I'm going to tell you two pieces of advice. First of all, Rogan doesn't want to do anything before you even call them. And number two, IMDBM. You know, you're a producer. Why are you making this fucking email? Nothing bothered me more than that. That's somebody who says they're a film producer,

and he is, is a TV show, Little Time producer. Doesn't IMDB somebody? So, again, he hits me back. Well, we're not going to have time. Is there any way to get his number from here? Listen, listen. contact his agent and then they said to me

we called CAA 10 times nobody will call us back about Joe Rogan and I go if you're this fucking stupid I can't let him do business with you he's with WME so you never even looked you just I just caught you in a lie

I just caught you in a lie why would you try to fucking lie Uncle Jay. You know what I'm saying? Like, why would you don't do it? Don't do it. Don't do it. Don't do it. Don't do it. Do something. I see you coming at me a mile away. It's your small time. I see how the Facebook messages start. I have these guys that you don't hear from them every six months. They start with the, hey, how are you doing? Hey, what's going on with the podcast?

Is there any way we can do lunch? Nope. I don't do lunch. I don't do lunch. I don't know what I'm going to eat lunch. I have no fucking idea. I have no idea. I can't lock you in for lunch. I don't know what I'm going to do tomorrow. So it happens. One thing that Rogan definitely has taught me,

that my favorite thing that Rogan's taught me is just to ignore everything. You know what I mean? You'll talk to the people you love. I'll answer the phone of Joey calls, but 99% of the other people that call, nope, you're not getting any response for me, you know? But I always thought, that's so rude. You know, people are texting you or emailing you.

You get to that position. Yeah, it's too much. When you get to that position of, you know, I went to Vegas last weekend, I get home. And all soon I get home and I got 23 text messages because it doesn't come on my phone until I'll get home to a certain area. There are a bunch of text messages. You should have seen these text messages that I get. Like, I don't get a lot.

lot of them. I guarantee that 3'000 because there's text messages that come on my iPad that I don't get on my iPhone. Yeah. I'll open up my fucking iPad and I have 10 text messages on there from I don't even know who these people

half of them are. You in town. What type of reply? Like I'm going to say yes. I don't know who you are. You're never going to get a phone. That's the worst. The worst. Yeah. If you look at your own text history and you don't have a conversation, going already, you have to say, hey, this is Bob. What's going on? Are you in town?

You know, I have so many of those. I've missed opportunities. I would wonder if like any of those are important. Like, oh, dude, that's, you know, that's David Lee Roth. I can't believe he texted me. But, you know, I'm sure that's not going to be somebody like that. But half these people, who are there? I'm nowhere near any of either of your levels. But every three months, someone just gets my phone number somehow. And it's scary. Yeah. Like they'll text me or they'll call me and they'll want to do something.

I'm like, do you not see how this is kind of scary? Do you respond to this? No. It's scary. I've blocked their number sometimes. I'm like, no. How do you not see that this is kind of creepy? If I don't know your number, first of all, you're in no danger to me picking up the phone.

No danger may pick up the phone. You have no danger. and texting, you have no danger getting a hold of me. I'm telling you because it's very weird. That's why I called you today when I text you. Oh, yeah, yeah. My hearing aids went into that system. I'm getting text messages.

I just got a Merry Christmas two weeks ago. I just got a Merry Christmas text. Are you serious? February 26th. Wait, you're hearing aids connected to your phone? Yeah. That's awesome. Awesome. I want to get one, man. That's the new shit.

And yeah, like, somebody called me on my wife's phone. My wife's like my niece wants to talk to you. I didn't know. I couldn't understand it. It's so weird that with a regular iPhone now, I couldn't hear if I didn't have the system connected through my phone. I hate it that it's through my phone because it's fucked up a lot of shit. But I'd rather hear than hear from them. Do you know what I'm saying? Like for a while there, bro, people would time. I call it J. I'm just like Joey. Wow. Something's going on. And then we figured out there was something wrong with the, we left it on autopilot or whatever.

Yeah. Fly. Yeah. Airplane mode. Something was going on. Rogan told me a couple times he called me. I just wasn't getting. Tax matches all over the place.

Tax men is all over the place. Yeah. I always keep my shit in airplane mode because of podcast usually. So there's sometimes where I'm like, shit, I've had this on for six hours. you know, I hope no one called me. Yeah, that happens. It's great to be away from your phone, though, and having it on the airplane mode, I think.

Do you think we've gone a little bit too far? You and I are both tech guys. I love tech. But I think some tech has gone a little bit too far. Like, I think maybe, like, when, like, the original iPhones were enough. Like, some of the, like, the smart TVs, like some of the stuff that's going on,

I think it's just a waste. I think all the digital assistance have gone too far now. Like I have, I have Alexa and Google, like in all my appliances now, like my TV, my charm clock. So, like, sometimes I'll just be talking and I have nowhere you hear, I don't know what you're talking about. I'm like, well, wait, I wasn't talking to you.

Like, why are you listening to me right now? Yeah, it's creepy. Why do you have that? Why? Honestly, because it's nowadays, everything's so connected where I'm just, you know, like, what's the weather? There's no fucking excuse for it. What's the weather?

You go on your fucking. YouTube and you Google five-day weather. I know. Or I have my security cameras. So like if something goes off, I'd be like, you know, show me my security. My TV will just flip onto my security camera, you know. So. No, no, no, no.

Get that thing out of the house. Elsa, what's in there? Alexa. And then I've Google also. They're both of them. Yeah, no. Your whole life is being, your whole life is being fucking listened to and invaded. And, you know, you're, you're kind.

You live in a communist environment if you really think about it. You're supporting a communist environment for being what? For being a yuppie? No, it's more just... Is that what it means? It's more like music and stuff. Just so I can listen to music. I think about me growing up and my stepdad getting out of jail in 1969 and never going back again until he died in 2006.

And he was still a bookmaker. He learned lessons, but he wouldn't even let me talk to next to a phone that was on up. Do you understand me? That was a paranoia he had. And he was right. He was right. You know, and now you look at these computers. They're watching you when you're jerking off, and you're about to put a butt plug up your ass.

They got you. Yeah, yeah. Who's watching you? Who knows? But why give them more what they already know? Listen, your credit cards in the computer file. Guess what? One day is gonna come up with a Ukrainian.

You bought a blender in the Ukraine. That's just the way life is. Do you see those ring cameras getting hacked now? Yeah. And they can talk to you like they're just talking to? Yeah. Jesus. You have no security whatsoever anymore.

So I don't add to that millennial image or whatever. I avoid that stuff. I don't want somebody in my house tap. You don't know who the fuck is listening. If anybody's listening at all, Maybe there's no reason for a paranoid. But you have to assume they'll listen. It's like when you walk into a hotel room in Vegas,

you have to assume there's somebody in that room watching you jerk off and stick a finger up your ass and smell your fingers. Do you think it's in Vegas? I know for a fact. Yeah. I know for a fact. It's drilled into my psyche. Especially after the shooting.

I know for a fact that in 1983, a buddy of my went to Vegas. and walked into a bathroom stall, closed the door behind him, did a line of coke in the stall. Real quiet, he was a cop. Walked out of a store, washed his hands, and when he walked out, two cops were waiting from them. They knew he had done cocaine. Wow.

There was cameras in the ceiling. Wow. I know that a year or so after that, a girl I went to high school with and very dear friends with, went to Vegas for our honeymoon. And for a five-year anniversary, she turned the TV on it, the Poconos, and they ordered porn. And it was them on their wedding night. No shit.

She sued the hotel by $3 million back in 1989 or 89. So if I'm telling you, this was going on 30 years ago, what do you think is going on today? You have to assume when you go to Vegas, they're watching you fuck that chick. Yeah. They're watching you fuck that. Hooker, they're watching you, they got you down. They have those scanners you could buy now. Like, that will show you if there's any hidden cameras or microphones.

It's like radioactive, or not radioactive. It's an electrical thing. Yeah. But you, the asshole that you are, not you, Red Band. I'm talking about you, the asshole being Joe American. It's like when, I don't know if you know this. Like right now technology is really weird. You know how they busted the Gambino Crime Family?

they had a snitch that told them that Paul Costellano spoke mainly in the kitchen. And there was a TV in the kitchen where they wouldn't, where there would be, they would watch when they were in the kitchen before people would come over and then they go turn the TV off. What they did was they knew that there was a TV. So the feds actually descrambles the TV. And they're sitting and hitting it. and they're moving the antenna and they got cable. This is Paul Costalano's

house. It's that now. It's a $4 million house in 1980. What do you think it's worth today? It's a mansion. And the fucking cable don't work. But the other rooms, all the TVs worked. So they called the fucking TV repair man. Only it was an FBI guy

that picked up the phone. They went in this house and they put bugs in. Now, this is how dumb they were. When they had the bugs in the TV, they knew what time they would say it oh Paul Lee everything's taken care of with the sweeper

he's coming around 3 o'clock today no problem at 3 o'clock they shut off the bugs and they and the sweeper can't pick up the electric frequency so once the guy would leave they would turn the bugs back on again the feds installed the bugs

while Paul Costellano and Tommy Bellotti were in the room into the TV and Tommy Bellotti's like hurry up with that thing fucko You know, and you're like, yeah, sure. He doesn't know that you're installing a fucking bug that's going to go down to fucking Virginia. They're going to be listening to every conversation in this fucking room.

That's how they do a bug. Then they had, they were bugging you with parabolic microphones. You know the microphones that NFL uses? Right. They'll go two blocks away, turn on a frequency, and bounce it off that glass. And right now we're in here talking about killing somebody and they're listening to us through that fucking glass

without a wire, without anything. That was 30 years ago. What the fuck do you think they're doing today? They just turn it on the phone. Yeah, they just turn on phones, turn on cameras. Everything, everything. I don't know. That's why I put the phone in the office at night.

I put the phone in the office, so they don't hear with my family chatter is. They don't have to hear with my family chatters. I tell my wife to put hers on the charger in our office. We're phone free in the fucking house. and it's not paranoia. It's just, you know they're listening to you and watching you. How much are you going to let them?

How much information are you going to give them about yourself online? Every time you sign up for another stupid website, do you really need them to send you peanut butter online? Do you really need peanut butter? You got trade a joke down the corner, but you want a special peanut butter. Now you have to tell them, like, what's your... Give me three things from your...

life so they can ask you your first dog, Fifi, your first girlfriend's name, Amelia. Now they know everything. They put it together with all that shit. You know, so the more things you sign up for, you're like, hey, look at me, Periscope. The more shit you open up, the more shit they got on you.

And I'm not talking, I don't sell drugs. I don't, I don't do dick. You can listen to my phone lines all you want. You're going to hear the most boring conversation. You're going to hear a conversation, me and my 50-year-old friends complaining about how tired we are and not the expressals. We've got to drink a day. And you hear me and Tripoli or me and you or me and you.

That's it. I don't even have women that I talk to that. I whack off. You can listen to me all day. It's the most boring is shit in the world. But I think your house, no. And they've told you 15 times. Alexa goes right to the fucking governor's house.

He's listening. Every type you fuck that little Chinese girl, he masturbates to you. That camera that you think you're watching the door with. They're watching you when you got a doggy style. They're born. Fucking that talking Trump over Trump. Look at Red Band over there and fucking that little Chinese girl. She's Korean, all right?

I would never fuck a Chinese girl. Listen, Wall hand is all over. Like I said yesterday, those Asian people, they ain't a dog, that ain't a bat. And that's how this fucking thing started. And when I stay Asian, so nobody gets offended. That's how you ever go to Chinatown, the shit that hangs from the windows? There's animals. You don't even know what the fuck on.

And go to China. That's where you see the real good shit. And you're like, how the fuck do they eat chickens' feet for hard-ons? They'll eat anything for hard-on Chinese people. If you tell them a piece of shit on bread will get your dick harder. You'll see Chinese people eating dick on bread. That's what they do. there's a soup that's made out of bull's balls.

It's like $2,000. That's what one night it gives you, puts your dick like in magical places. You go to the restaurant. Right now. You see a bunch of fucking Chinese people praying and a bunch of old people drinking the soup looking at their old wives.

Like, I'm going to give it to you the night. You know, it's fucking not. Who the fuck knows? I don't even know anymore. I'm just happy to be doing what I'm doing. It's all end soon. who the fuck knows in two weeks you might be all walking around with spacesuits down here yeah you have to think of where how far this could go can you imagine they have to close

disneyland comedy store has to shut down for a couple weeks they're talking about canceling the olympics because it's in japan oh they should definitely that's can that's cancel they just haven't that's done you better move that over the fucking oh australia better fucking raise their hand Yeah, they're canceling all the electronic shows and stuff like that, all the trade shows. And I guess there's the company that makes iPhone cameras, I guess they've been shut down. So they're not going to have, you know, all the new iPhones are probably going to be delayed this year. They're just losing money left and right. Well, that's what you get.

It was like the AIDS scare in the 80s when we were scared of mosquitoes. Remember that? When we were like, every news channel was like, dude, there's mosquitoes with AIDS. And if they bite you, you're going to have AIDS. There was points of time where we, everyone was scared of getting mosquito bites. Everyone had like, you couldn't buy mosquito repellent at stores.

They were sold out everywhere. Kind of like how hand sanitizer sold out everywhere right now. You know, it's like everyone was putting off all over them so they wouldn't get AIDS mosquitoes. Oh my God. It really is crazy how I went to Walgreens the other day to get something completely off color. And while I was there, people were like,

is there any more hand sanitize? Has that the people had masks on coming in? Because these people are overly paranoid. Listen, I understand it. I get it. I get it, you know, and especially who and what it's hitting, whatever. You know, our friend Jimmy Schuber is in Korea today. Oh, she's shooting a TV show.

Is he shooting a Korean show? He's a white guy on or? American show that shoots in Korea. Wow. He'll just be in quarantine for questions. Listen to me. They would have got the cancellation notice from me. I would have had them waiting for the plan with their little masks on.

They would have been waiting for me to come out. Mr. Diaz, ready to bow. There would have been no Mr. Diaz. I would have put like a mule on there. Send me to Korea. I would have sent him to Korea. He even told me, Jimmy Schu, because I'm telling you, they even got me a first class ticket.

I go, bro, they're giving you money to fly there now. Go look up a flight for Korea. It's $1, $1202 for first class and back. Who the fuck's going to fly to Korea today? You're crazy. It's $100 right now. Look at the prices of shit. It's dropping.

Plane prices are dropping. They know people are going to go, you know what? This is how we're going to spread it is in these planes. One person per plane, and that's it. I got to fly to New York next week. You don't think I'm fucking nervous. You want me to look at you in the eye and tell you I'm not nervous? I've been flying a lot too last couple weeks.

It sucks. And you've been internationally, too. That's why I got a light of all this motherfucker. Yeah. But I mean, luckily, right before all this happened, I had bought these really nice mask with the little air filters in them and stuff like that because my girlfriend's allergies are so bad that she's been miserable. So I was like, you know what? I might buy her one of these cool Asian masks. And literally the week after this coronavirus started coming out. And now you can't get these masks. They're like back ordered for months now to get them. Have you noticed that? All the hospital. are running out of these masks because everyone keeps on buying them. But it's ridiculous. They're saying not to buy them because hospital care workers need them and stuff like that. Yeah.

Hey, man, we got to be cautious. Now, you don't have your office up at the Ice House no more. No, the Ice House sold their comedy club to the Laker owners, you know, the family of the Lakers. And so when that happened, they're pretty much, well, we have to, you know, empty out this place. And that gave me an excuse to get out of there. I've been there for like nine years, eight years. And, you know, it's now I have an office down the street from my house. So it's way easier, you know, it's great.

How big is the office? It's probably like maybe four times bigger than this. Can you do stand them in there? I could, but it would be a small little room. But that's a cool thing about it. It's a storefront. So like if I didn't want to do podcasts, I can make it a taco shop the next day, you know, or a little stand-up comedy club.

It's actually a retail little. It's a little taco comedy. That's right. Jesus Treo over there. Have you watched his new show? You're on it, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.

I love that, man. Jesus is awesome for that. He's a good guy. So the first episode, Fluffy. Was it Fluffy? Yeah, so great, man. Fluffy is so cool. Like his Volkswagen's, all his Volkswagens he has.

I'm so jealous of that. It really is amazing what he's done with his life, man. Yeah. And he's as humble as they come. He's so funny, too. as sweet as they come, you know, the Spanish comics fucking hate them like the old school Mexican guy.

Really? Yeah. Why? But they just, you know, machismo jealousy is a motherfucker, you know, but it's just weird how life is, you know, when you're that on top, people still take shots at you and stuff like that.

So it's a, and I see it on this friend. His feelings get hurt, you know. It's tough. When your family has never seen the money you've amassed and everybody's waiting for their part and you're like, where the fuck were you? I'm the one that has to get out of plan and go to Australia to pick up this envelope.

It's really weird. It's a really weird feeling to have. So it just, he's humbled, you know. What are you going to do? Yeah. His compound looked badass, though. I was raised in one of those Volkswagen buses and, you know, like the big bus. And he has like maybe a hundred of those buses, every single color.

Every color. He's one that's a fish tank. The whole bus has just been made into a fish tank. It's an investment. It's a way he's a collector. Yeah. And you got to love him for that. That's a beautiful place.

What would you, if you were crazy, crazy rich, what would you, would you have any collections of any kind? Like, what would be in your huge warehouse? At this age. Cats? Just cats. I would like to learn to grow. Like, if I move somewhere, I'd want some dirt. So I learn how to grow vegetables.

I see what my wife has done the last couple of years. And she's growing a ton of shit back there. That's good, too. Tomatoes. Yeah. Peppers. You know. I think that's important too to know.

I mean, I grew up always having a garden in Ohio. I really like to learn how to do that now. I always sit there and wonder, like, I don't have a hobby. How detracting it is. Yeah, I live for weights and, yeah, I go to boxing class and fucking kickboxing. That's not a hobby. Like, you know what I really? I'm thinking of doing again collecting coins.

Coins? Yeah, like, just go to a coin shop and buy those books. and you fill up those pennies. Yeah, that little slots. So that makes you look for those pennies. That's why the other day my wife went to, my wife's got a jar filled. Like it's got to be,

I don't know what it's worth. You got to, I had to pick up the cake. And I go, let's not take it down there. Let's empty it and go through those pennies. Because that's what those companies do. There's no money. A coin star.

Right. Coinstar doesn't take your chains. They take your chains because you're making mistakes. Yeah. Those silver dollars, that 1943 penny, that's worth a million dollars, the copper penny, all that shit, you're just drawing in there. That's how they make their money. They don't make that money by you drawing fucking money in their thing, and I'm giving you a dollar. That's not their money.

Their real money is by taking the coins that are worth something and they get what they're worth. Think about that. Oh, yeah. I've always thought that. So when I was a kid and I was really insecure before I was learning the language, There was a short time, that's what I did. I collected pennies. I had the fucking magnifying glass.

By the way, I got to tell you guys a story. Fucking calm as a motherfucker. So about a year ago, I would take weed cans, little weed containers when they're finished, and I would put holes in the towel. And from time to time, I would catch a fly in my bathroom and put it in there. And feed it weed, right?

That's hilarious. And I'd just feed them weed for like four days. days. I go to take a shit in my backyard, I open up my back door. A fly would come in. The back door is locked so they can't get out and get in. So I stalk them. I just locked the door. Boom, I get another fly. I take his

one wing off, throw them in the bag, close it. And then I'd feed them little pizza weed. And they'd be in there, like, walking around. Let us out, let us out. I must have got about six flies, took their wings off, or both their wings. Depends how I felt that day. There was a little dirty bass.

I'd wash my hands a thousand times, and I'd put them in the fucking thing, and I'd put weed in there. Well, fucking, they were getting stronger and stronger. Then from time to time, I put like a gummy bear in there, like a CBD gummy bear. Like, I was just developing these flies to be savages, right? Just balls.

Just balls out. So one day I took these flies, and I just threw them out into the wilderness, and they didn't know where they were. They landed on my patio floor. just looking at me like, what the fuck are we going to do now? We're wingless. We don't know nothing.

Well, I was about a six months ago. During that I'm sitting there, and I hear like this buzzing. Like, there's a fly in my room. I look over. This motherfucker was a gigantic fly. Like a horse fly. He was so big. He was having a hard time flying.

Like, he couldn't even fly. He hopped. But he would hop by three feet. So I went over, I'm like, what the fuck is that? Because I got spiders too. Every once in a while, you'll see a spider. That's a big fucking spider. When I got closer, it was a THC fly.

His head got all big, his eyes were all fucked up still. He was making a fucking different fly noise. It was going like, so I clocked him and he fell, but I lost him. I couldn't stamp and kill him. Fucking a half hour later, I'm on the computer. And he just lands on the desk. He's coming back to get him. So I tried to fling him off the desk

To step on him And again he disappeared So he's on the loose right now And then from time to time I take a shit And take a little scoop of the shit And put him there once a week Just so they eat my shit

Yeah, that's the one that got back I had these flies under experiment That's hilarious Okay, you said you don't have a hobby You do have a hobby I do have a hobby Torture flies It's like me when I was a kid

I took daddy long legs and I took all their legs off and then they're just like a little ball and they couldn't do it. Oh my God. Just rolling around. I used to stomp on ant hills. I hate it.

I hate ant hills. But have you seen that? Like they pour metal down the in hill now? Yeah. See how far down they go? That's pretty cool. It's pretty cool. I like,

I fucking, one time I was in Miami, Florida. It must have been eight years old. And I was helping my godfather rake leaves. He had this huge, like, fucking property with every type of tree, a pie,

mangoes, avocados, and I was raking leaves, and he had the garbage can. And he goes, don't put your hand in there. Let me go get your gloves. I'm like, fuck you. I put my hand in there. And when I pulled them out, both my hands were covered with red beet. And they started bite me. If you ever saw me fall apart, like a little bitch, that was a day.

I wish that was our video. I just read a little bit. Like I read and it got me so hard, but I just passed out. I thought it was going to die. I passed out. He came out, wiped the ants off me, and woke me up there. What's wrong with you? Get up, your fucking little fag.

What's wrong with your red-haired bitch? Oh, no. When I lived in Cuba, I got bit by a scorpion. You know what I'm saying? Like shit like that, and I lived. You'll be fine. I had blood everywhere and shit. Red ants suck.

Fucking never dealt with that. Dog, both hands. I was maybe eight. Nine, whatever. Yeah, that's good fuck. Yeah, but the flies, I told. One of those flies. came back to get me.

He's still in your office? Yes. You're going to find it. He's going to have a maggot friend. He grew into another fly's ass and being weird. They morphed. You got to see the size of this fucking thing. It's gigantic. We're going to go

over to Diaz's house and it's just going to be dead flies and shit everywhere. No. What happened was a fucking dead possum fell into the wall. So we started getting flies in the house. They had to come and take the dead possum out of the house. No terrible for a week. We almost had to get a hotel room one night.

I had to sit there by myself and kill each fly one by one. I was sweeping them into the backyard. I just stood there and they would all gather by the window and they get retarded. You ever see how they get by glasses? And I would kill them by the dozens. Ba, bah, bah. And they would circle the room and I'd be sitting there. I don't use a fly swat.

I use a jugs, a jigsaw puzzle book. They're perfect. You know, one of those faggy puzzles, you know, six across. Yeah, that type of shit. Fucking possums. So there was a possum. We have a lot of possums where I live. And there was one time I was going out to my car.

And there was a possum, like a smaller possum, like a baby. And he was just laying right in front of my car. And I was like late to a spot. So I called Janice, my girlfriend. And I was like, hey, Janice, there's a possum in the driveway. Can you like throw it away or something? I think it's dead. And she's, she texts me back.

And she's holding it like a baby. baby. And she goes, I think it's sick. And I'm like, wait, do you have the possum in our house? She goes, yeah, he's still breathing. And then my friend goes to me, he goes, he wasn't dead. You know, they play possum. And I was like, oh, my God, get this possum out of our house. Oh, my God. I'm surprised you still live there after you had rats. Oh, don't even get me started on the rats. Are they gone that? Oh, yeah, the rats are gone. We found a hole the size of a nickel. and my neighbor's screen door.

So they were coming through this tiny, tiny hole through into my neighbor's house going underneath his sink, underneath their house coming out from underneath my sink. So it was all from this one little teeny hole. And so, yeah, thank God we found it. Now, no problems.

How long were these rats? Well, they were big. They were probably about the- I saw the footage. Yeah. And the gross thing is when we found them dead, they were so bloated that they looked like a small chihuahua. I mean, that's how big they were

because they were so bloated. And then I had my girlfriend take it out to the trash can once split open and just maggots came pouring out of it. It was, yeah, I think about it all the time. It's so fucking gross. That poison just makes them swell up or something. Yeah, I think just when they die. That's like what happened is they, they, they sat like, I started smelling that death smell. And then I went underneath the sink and one of my traps had killed it.

But I thought I already got rid of the rat. and this is like its mom or something like that and had killed it and had been in there for like a week and it just being in the week underneath my sink had just made it like maggots started growing inside of it and was so inflated because the maggots inside of it

I could I thank God for my girlfriend because I could not have done anything with it. I would have had to hire somebody just coming to take it away. Cats cats cats cats cats cats cats cats cats cats cats cats cats cats cats cats cats Cats, cats, cats, cats, cats, cats, cats, I hate fucking mice cats, cats, cats, cats, cats, I hate fucking rats, cats, cats, I don't want to see it, but listen to me. I got two cats across the street from my house that have been out there for professional hunters.

Yesterday, me and my wife watched the one little black and white one sitting out there, and the white one came out and sat over here to get sun in front of them. and he said, oh, you're my fucking vision. And he got around and sat around and went back to his spot. Then this cat bit him in the head. They're the cutest couple. But those two cats live right across the street. And I can't tell you how many nights I'm coming home from the comedy store. And I'll see the one black and white one dragging a six-foot rat.

And he's still half alive, but she squashed his fucking head. they are the best hunters they are Disneyland lets them out at night listen you don't want to mice just get some cats let them pee a little around it's gonna smell for a week

but after that everything goes away we don't have a mouse if I see a mouse I move the next day yeah I mean that's how I'm there's no movies I know there's no fucking nothing yeah

and we didn't grow up with rats in Ohio we grew up with mice But none of my family houses have had my feel nice Feel nice Yeah Not in our house And they came in December for a week Yeah I got cold out

Yeah I can live with that Yeah I can live I get it It's cold out you're homeless I'm Christian You wanna come in You know what I'm saying for a week Yep But once you start reproducing

And my fucking Rogan told me once That he had to be home on a certain day Because the people were coming to infumigate His ceiling And I go what are you talking about That's a fucking man what do you mean rats I can see the ghetto having rats And you have rats

You have rats You're like oh my God I can hear wrestling up there Friday How can you sleep with that I'd shoot myself So I know they gotta go to Rogan Once a fucking week

And said traps Oh wow There's bats up there Isn't that crazy Like the Like no matter how What kind of house you have If you live in Los Angeles

You have to deal with these creatures Like The ceiling up the house Is a business out here Where you have to go to your Somebody comes to your house once a month looks at every single crack and corner of your house to make sure that there's not a way a rodent can get in there or a bat or a posse. I had a bat in my house when I was a kid.

Bat? Yeah. I lived in the suburbs and flew in one that we had to get someone to come to the house. It was like that scene from the office. It was terrifying. Oh, my God. How'd you get that? I was a little kid.

I was like six or seven. They came and they got it. I don't know. I just remember we had a, we had a, our first floor was a circle. and I just remember it flank all the way around and someone came in with a bat I don't know how they got it but probably

that's why in the way that's why I am the way I am. That's why you have retarded anywhere where are you this weekend my brother? I'm going to be a dumb bad boy thinks yeah I'm going to be in a we're going to we have Kiltony and Ventura

and then we also are going to Washington we have a bunch of dates Boston's coming back up even though we're just in Swansea last week. And Legion of Skanks South. We're going to be in Houston coming up. And that's going to be like there.

That seems like a lot of fun. It's going to be a lot of fun. But, you know, I've been to all the skank fest and they party. So I'm just, I'm hoping that the Houston, you know, I could, I just don't want a bunch of Houston cops to be there and stuff, you know, because they're a little strict in Houston, you know, when it comes to partying and. Were you having it at the compound, right, at that place? Yeah, yeah.

that secret group yeah so that should be fine they stay in themselves yeah yeah yeah that's a blast yeah i love that that what a great club that's a real blast they've really done a good job those guys and i have commend them and uh they're hip they get it and they're in you know and uh that's why they're doing skank fest down there they're hip they get it and they're in yeah so i can't wait for all that that's good how many shows you're doing the podcast and stand up uh for the skane fest yeah i think we're doing i usually do a death squad show there and then it We usually do a Kill Tony show and then a couple comedy shows. Usually it's so great doing a comedy festival, you know, like that,

because it's all just, you don't have to do any of these bullshit shows. It's all just cool shows, you know, with cool comics. You know, the way I look at it, we do a comedy festival every Tuesday at the comics. Comedy story, yeah, really? You know, I mean, every Tuesday, that's the best. Is that your favorite day there, comedy story? It's not my favorite It's the one I'm forced to go

Right When you're in the mafia You have to come in one night a week Pay your dues, pay your respects It's Tuesday night at the store That's what it became Yeah Tuesday night is the night before Thanksgiving

For comics We leave on Wednesday We start leaving on Thursday Tuesday night is Thanksgiving The night before Thanksgiving at the store. You go down there, you see Whitney Cummings, Eliza with the dog, Motta Mosher, Kishia. I see you. I see the black kid that runs, Moses, who I love to death. Yeah, he's great. I see your boy that we were just talking about. He's a savage,

you know, the white kid. Then, uh, Jeremiah Watkins. I see Ali Wong. Sometimes I see Bill Burr, sometimes I see, I see everybody. I see Ron White at the bar in the back. Drinking a fucking whatever. He's a man right there. Yeah. So where else would I want to be on a Tuesday night? Yeah. You know, it's going to be interesting when they do a show for Netflix,

you know, how it's going to compare it to the store. People coming to the store from other countries to feel the experience of the store. Trust what I'm telling you. I see it. I see the T-shirts. I heard about the number of T-shirts they're selling now. It's a complete different world. It's corporate.

it's really hard to explain to people with the comedy stores become Mitzi Shaw's not there this is a little corporate but I'll tell you what's there more now that wasn't before how much the comics love each other

yeah people hang there comics hang to hang well comics used to hang to hate now comics hang to hang and see people and hug people you know I get brought up Benji Affalo and I give him a hug and I tell him I love my known you since you were a kid now you fucking I knew Benji how many years how many

years I know Benji he was a little fucking I thought it was in the cinema my D and doing tour quiz of what I first met him baby Benji Santo I know these guys when they were kids when I first met them they were kids and now I'm seeing them do great things what's great things down at the store at 845 and they're bringing me up And then I get off and I bring off Justin Martindale And I give him the hug And I'm back there cheering for him There's a love at the comedy store

That isn't corporate You know And that's what that's what people pay that ticket for This morning the show was already sold out And guess what? There was no lineup That's when you have to respect something When there's no lineup

And the show's already sold out That ridiculous I wanted to see what time my spot was because I definitely know I got a 925 but that you know what I'm saying like that that's how crazy it is that Tuesday night the fucking there was no lineup up and already it said sold out for Tuesday and Thursday I'm like wow wow this is fucking great so but it's great to see what's great seeing you all and I'm happy what's the name of your little podcast network is still desk squad death squad yep got doing Holtzman now we're doing David Lucas and Williams

podcast doing Kill Tony, doing Desquod Chronicles once in a while. But yeah, it's all the same thing. Desquoddx Squad Chronicles would stand up and I'll be there one Friday. Right, I need to make that. I need to... I think that's a good idea.

I need to put my video games in storage. As golden tickets could come and sit and watch the show from the Burbank area. Yeah. Because I'd love to be a part of that. They have to be like Friday at 9. Yeah. The tuba.

I want to see the drummer with the fake dick. You have to go up and do... Like, professionals have to do three minutes. and I would be involved in something like that. I miss you. Yeah, I miss you too, guys. I miss you both of you guys. The last couple of years,

the original clique has been getting involved in their own things, and that's great to see, but I can also tell that we miss each other. I got a really emotional call from Rogan the other night.

Well, we need to all get together sometime, take a week and do it old school stuff. I'm going on the road with Rogan. Yeah. I'm doing a couple dates on this tour just to break it up. You know, just to add a little dimension to my life. And I really got the dates picked out.

Go to Papadoos. No, no, I'm not going to. I'm going to Texas on my own. I'm going to Austin on my own and El Paso. So I'm pretty lucky. That's C. I hope that this disease doesn't spread and you're not allowed to fly. It looks like Lee's driving the fucking rental.

That's right. To Denver. You want to go on stage in Houston? Yeah. I do that. Are you a good driver Lee? He'd have no check. I don't have any tickets.

I'm down. Well, he just got one on the way to renal. I did get one. I forgot about that. But I paid it off. He paid it off. He had to pay an attorney. It was a nightmare.

They always get you. They thought you were sleeping while you were driving or something? No, it was three in the morning. And it was one of the back roads. It was 65 to 25 when it doesn't tell you. And they were just waiting there for me. Oh, a speed trap. Motherfuckers.

Fucking bullshit. And now let me talk to you about the sponsors. All right. I want to thank Ryan Redband. I want to thank the Christ Killer. Most importantly, I want to thank you, motherfuckers. As far as this Thursday's concerned, listen, man, New York City put a state of emergency. I don't know if we're going to do this show. I don't know if I'm getting flown in for the movies. So I'll detail you, keep your posted on Twitter and Facebook.

But Santa Barbara never fear. Uncle Joey's here. And he ain't queer. He's coming. The 27th of March on a fucking Friday night. Get your tickets at Arlington Theater.com right now. But before we leave, let's start this right off. Listen, I've been dying to work with these guys, and we finally got them. They're draft kings. I love draft kings because they put all their lines on an easy-to-use app.

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We don't know what's going on with this coronavirus. My heart goes out to the world. I don't know what's going. You know, I'm sitting here. I'm supposed to go to New York and shoot this film. We don't know. I got levity on Thursday night. I was all excited to go up to Nyack and get that fucking pizza right on the fucking corner

there by the hotel. I wasn't spending the night. I was just going up there. I think they got us up in New York. But anyway, I'll keep you guys posted. Have a good Monday. Sling some dick. Tell the coronavirus to suck your dick. You're prepared. You understand me. You're taking your vitamin C. You're getting some vitamin D and don't let people breathe on you. You don't need to do dick. You understand me? Like if you don't want to come to the show Thursday, I get it. You don't want to come get a fat fuck. You don't know why I'm coming. I'm coming from a plane. I might be a fucking corona holder. You know what I'm saying you don't fucking know so mind your business don't let people breathe on you smoke by yourself and have a good day and a good week i'll see you motherfuckers wednesday tip top motherfucker

magoo have a great day love you