The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #768 - Ryan Sickler

Episode Date: March 11, 2020

Ryan Sickler, a stand up comedian and the host of "The HoneyDew" podcast, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio. This podcast is brought to you by: Stamps.com -  Use code JOEY for a 4 week trial which includes postage and a digital scale. Go to Stamps.com, click on the Radio Microphone at the top of the homepage and type in church.   ForHims- Go to ForHims.com/joey to get a free online visit.      

Greetings from Podcastville, it's Wednesday, March 9th, or whatever the fuck, March 11th, listen. I know it's Wednesday you don't feel good. Oh, my God, the coronavirus. I don't know what I'm going to do, but let's start off with a little bong hit, and you'll be fucking tip-top McGoo. You understand me? The church is brought to you by stamps.com. Listen, time is money, baby.

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Tackle fucking this dick problem like a doctor. My guest today is my main man. And the best interviewer I know, Mr. Ryan Sickler. Man, thank you. The Flying Jew is also in house. Hello. What's up, Doug? Thank you for having it back.

Man, that's high praise right there, the best interviewer you know. The best. I don't open up to nobody. I open up to you. You've wept on my show a few times. You have been moved quite a bit. I'm very impressed by it, as always. So thank you for having me back.

It's really fun when you, people think, I love when people call you up and go, hey, I, I just want to be on your podcast. You know what? I don't even fucking know you. If you look at the podcast, you have high numbers with. It's people you have a feeling with. That's right. You share mutual love with it because the love gets picked up on the airwaves.

And people call their friends and say, y'all listen to this podcast. It's kind of special. It's not special. They've already heard the stories. It's the electricity between two. do people speaking, which is what I like the most about podcasts. That's why I don't like fucking 18 people in a room when I do a podcast. I like, I like the intimacy.

I'm one conversation. Yeah. You know, once you have six mics going, eight mics going, you have nine different energies and that. It's that one-on-one love. And people feel that when I'm with your podcast, the Gurus podcast, Tripoli, Eddie Bravo. The numbers are always good because the love. love is there. Rogan in the millions. Yeah. Red band in the millions

because the love is there. And people don't seem to get that. Us, this podcast is the last eight, nine years. You know, yesterday I got hit up by some retard. I want to start a podcast where we eat hot and spicy

chicken nuggets. Oh, yeah, the whole lineup was... Watch that thing. We'll be doing two million downloads for that episode. Yeah, like nobody's done that before. eating a hot and spicy chicken on fucking line. Like, you know what I'm saying?

Like, I don't want to eat a hot and spicy chicken online. And I really did Hot Wings. It's on true TV now. I got a feather in my cap. That's it. Now, I'm going to eat spicy chicken. Are you fucking retarded? The host is the kiss of debt and the two other guy.

What are they going to do for me? Get the show started and get back to me. What if you do three episodes and somebody dies from that fucking Chinese chicken you're selling? I got to be a part of it. that I'm in the co-conspiracy. Yeah, I'm in the fucking, you know, people just don't get it. That there's a limit that I disappear once it comes to podcasts. When you call me with like a fucking game show type podcast, you're in no danger.

Oh, yes, you did that, whatever. I'll put you, you know, if you're going to be that stupid, I got a call from a dear friend of mine that wanted me to do a podcast on a Sunday in a fucking, like a sauna with no, no, slows on and I'm like, hey, yeah. First of all, Sunday is the Lord's Day. Number two, on Sundays, I don't really know what I want to do day.

I'm just flying back from a show the night before, 50% of the time, and I really don't know what I want to do. Sunday mornings are my favorite in the world because my wife and baby leave the church at 9. Not to my type of church, some other religion,

whatever that fucking Christianity. There's no chickens involved. Yeah, there's no chickens involved. there's no rape and there's no crackers, you know what I'm saying? My daughter brought home one of those Catholic chocolates the other day. It tastes like priest penis. She's like, look, daddy. I go, what flavor is it?

And in my head, I said, priest peanuts. But I couldn't tell her that, you know. I ended up eating the chocolate later on when I woke up from my coma. She's like, Daddy. Where's that dick chocolate? Somebody ate boy with my chocolate. I said, the priest took it. I don't worry about it.

devil. He was in a tight spot to priest. So. Oh my God. That's what. Well, we're going to get your full life story. We're doing it.

I mean, I don't, you, this is probably going to come out the same week or, or your episode, which we've already recorded, will come out. No, this is your week after. No, I'm saying your episode for mine. We already recorded another episode with you on the honeydew. Yes. And that's probably going to come out in the same, about a week or two. Right.

And I think we're only, I mean, what are we? I called them the Denver days. We just got into Denver, so you're early 20s, I think. And we're going to do your, we're going to do your whole life story until we get to current. You know, every day I put away an hour to write something. And I've been pretty successful with it lately. It's been working well. And you, your memory isn't, your memory.

memory doesn't really open up until you start opening it up and reading it back uh i've been catching the coffee shop where i go on the afternoon one hour a day lately just one up one hour and 15 minutes i park i got a green tea and i just write out and i was started on drugs and it's hilarious like there's nights i sit here with lee and i torture lee but lee but lee knows I love him. Leo Coleman, next day and said, I got so fucked up on that. I don't know how you did it. Until this day, people cannot realize the, the, even I feel it.

Like when people give me a pill that says kill them. You're like the asphrine. I did a fucking, I did two pills about a year and a half ago. I went to do a podcast and the people were junkies, and they had a bag of pills. and they gave me like a pill and a half. And I am like on a city and Wadi. I got fucked up, but that's the day your all Romero came in.

Right. And I had to do a podcast with YOL. Then we had to go eat chicken, Cuban food. And I was surprised on how well I kept it together. It was a Percocet and a Viking combined and something else. I was high for eight hours straight. Yeah.

But from my experiences, as a young man, I kept it together. And I started writing this thing for, March 25th at the comedy store about addictions, you know, my addiction. Throughout all this story, I haven't mentioned to you guys, what, at 14, if you were to come up to me and said, Joey, are you ever going to be interested in doing coke or whatever?

I'd probably beat the fuck out of you. But at 14, at 30, I probably started smoking pot at 12 and a half. Let's just be safe Let's just be safe We're not lying to each other 12 and a half 13 Very subtly

Once a month It went from once a month And is this floating through the bar Or is this through the school Or kids in a neighborhood This is the neighborhood Downtown All right

We had the thing called the woods And we would roll Three joints And smoke them in a glass pipe, the carburetor. You sucked on it and then you let the thing going all the airways. We were making with toilet paper rolls. We'd do

the same thing with toilet paper rolls. Like gravity hits. With aluminum foil. Yeah. So we were doing all that. In those days it was very hush, hush. It was me and three other kids and... Same age kids? Yeah. We had the Vizene, the bonaca.

The kit, yeah. Yeah. And then we'd walk to this diner on Tunley Avenue that it's non-existent. It was a real redneck trucker diner. And they had like the music on the wall. You know, like when you spin it and play songs. And we'd go in there, listen to Margaritaville

and just fucking, then a waitress would come and she'd be like 40 and ugly. She smoked like a thousand cigarettes and she was three. Three. Three. He had been smoking since she was three. And fucking we'd laugh at him. We'd just start laughing at him. She'd give us the menus and say, I'll come back when you grow up.

Like shit like that. It started like a fun thing. And then we started by the eighth grade. We're doing it in between classes sometimes. Like three of us would get together and smoke a junk, go back to class, lit up, and start making noises in class and giggle and the whole thing. And then it was just a slow process. I knew that I just liked marijuana.

I knew the dangers of cocaine. cane, I knew the dangers of heroin. But then a friend of mine came to me, one day and he goes, let's do it acid. I was the Rolling Stones in eighth grade. My eighth grade graduation, that was his

present for me. He goes, I'm taking you to see the stones, we got to take a hit a window pain acid. I'm like, oh, here we go. I go, how bad could it be? It was bad. But I went to the concert. I, you know, and then I kind of liked that. I like where it took me.

I like to go home and listen to music. And I would pop my acid again, once a month for a while. Then it became twice a month. And then it became a thing that we would do three nights a week. Damn. We're tripping three nights a night. For how long? How many years?

This one. For a year? This is so crazy of me. Shit. Half the week is on acid. This is freshman year about November. Oh, my God. We were doing hits acid.

Three a week? Three a week. And is it just one hit a night? Or you're doubling up on those hits? No. No. Okay. One.

All right. One would take you. If you did it at six, you'd be cooking to three. And I mean, cooking. Like, you could go home by yourself. Somebody told me a story one time. Acid, shrooms, opium, things like that didn't come through our way until the Grateful Day came to town. We would all go to the parking lot.

We'd party at the Capitol. Center back in the day where they did heavy metal parking lot that's the capital center we're there for the grateful dead and I didn't smoke or anything but everybody I hung out with did and I never minded that they did I kind of enjoyed like seeing what happened I'm like okay well I'm not going to do cocaine well I'm not going to do fucking pills I'm not but one of our friends somebody told me this I I hope this is fucking true but I guess he had bought a sheet of acid put it in his pocket to take back with us later that night and it rained and the rain washed the fucking acid into his skin and he was they said he was they like he had to take to the hospital

everything can't really happen come on that shit can see I guess it could right it's just acid I was clean and sober I was clean and sober okay I was clean and sober they threat me with fucking going back to prison and finishing my sentence. And one day I get a call and I tested positive for cocaine. And I go, I don't snort the cocaine. I just sell it. And I told that to a friend of my name. He goes, are you retarded?

He goes, every time he touched those rocks, that stuff goes through your skin. Sure, you're going to test pot. One time I tested positive, I wasn't even doing it. It was from touching it. So yes, I do believe that story. especially back then the acid was thicker

I never fucked you gave me shrooms you just gave me shrooms at comedy store at the last okay was it they were good I had them that I had some that night and then I still have what you gave me to take home with me

fuck I got a bag at the house but I want to I'll tell you this so when I first moved out here because I've only done shrooms like five times and at one point I enjoyed it but also I'm the guy that's like, all right, it's been five hours. Get the fuck out of here. You know, I'm like that with company.

You know what I mean? Get the, all right. It's, you know, we had a good time. Get the fuck out of here. You don't need, I don't need still being hearing my music going, whoa, wah, wah, blah, after five fucking hours, you know. You know, I get it. But back when I first lived here, this was, this was in the 1900s, man.

This was 97, bro. Late 1900s. It's 1997. I first moved here to go to college. And that was the whole Northridge quake. I was coming here to go to Northridge when the quake hit and destroyed the school. So I ended up going anyway, but I found an apartment for a month then moved in in February. And Pink Floyd is coming out to the Rose Bowl.

And I love Pink Floyd. And I want to go see Pink Floyd. And I want to see him at the fucking Rose Bowl. So my buddy and I get tickets. And he tells me a married couple that he knows is going to meet us there and sit with us as well. great. So the four of us are hanging out. We're all smoking weed. And three of them decide to do shrooms. And I'm like, I'm good. I'm just going to smoke weed and drink. Get into the show. The show is fucking bananas. I don't know if you ever seen pink. I got to see

him here and in DC at RFK when that was still there. Same summer. And the pigs are fucking bouncing. You know, they're all tripping over there on their, oh, sorry, on their shrooms and shit. And I look to my left. And you've been in a Rose Bowl. You're packed in there. you know and i look back to my right and my friend kevin he's he's gone he's gone and i and people start yelling and shit i look back this motherfucker passed out okay and it's those bleachers seats so when he went back his feet got hooked under the back of the front one and he bent in half and people instead of catching them they got scared and they jumped out of the way his head hits the bleachers behind him he goes into a full-on seizure okay he's going crazy his eyes and they're like is he up a

Is he epileptic? I'm like, I don't fucking know. I have no idea. Were you tripping? No, I only smoked weed and drank. But the three of them, they're all to my right. It's him and then the merry couple. She sees it.

And I think guilt got to her everything because she's the one that gave him the shrooms. She starts throwing up in her like $50 concert shirt. They're all having a bad trip because he's having a full on fucking seizure. I've never seen this on mushrooms. Okay. And I don't know if it's the shrooms or the fact that he hit his. head so goddamn hard on this thing, but I don't know what to do. And I look up at her and she's, you know, she's like, oh my God, it's coming for me next. You know that mindset? We're like,

oh, and I just start smacking them as hard as I can in the fucking face. I'm smacking the shit out of them. Pink Floyd, the pigs are fucking going. Oh, I just lost my headphones. Sorry. And they're banging and banging and banging and banging. And he's having a seizure. And then finally he snaps out of it. Everybody's like, holy shit. I'm like, dude, are you already? He's like, did I just pass out? I'm like yeah, yeah. I go, how long do you think you were out? He's like, I don't know, it felt like three, three minutes. He's like, I was like, you're out for about 15 seconds.

I was like, dude, but you had a fucking seizure? Are you bleeding? He's like, I'm not bleeding. I'm like, are you all right? He's like, yeah. Look over her. They're out. They're gone. We never saw them again. We go back to fucking Pink Floyd, and he's fine the rest of the night. Where do you meet these weak people?

I went to a million kinds of weed everything but heroin balls. And nobody ever fucking fainted. That's what I'm saying. You ever? No, no. If that happened in my name, but you'd have to move the next day. Like,

you don't have to pick up a move. Like, dog, I took fucking lead to a concert, and I gave him a couple mushrooms. Fucking out of season. I used to fucking take straight up acid and go to those garden concerts. I know how you did that shit. I took acid to the stones.

I took acid to Ted Nugent and ACDC. I took acid. I didn't take acid to Black Sabbath. I was too young. But I took acid to all those. You ever smoke weed dipped in PCP? What a shirm or? No, well, this is what I was getting to.

Okay. That I argue. So I'm 16. The age, I'm laughing at the age. 15 to 16. Yeah. I'm going to that transition and I'm doing micrododot acid. That's what it was called.

It wasn't really. That was those little like one hit tab. I mean tiny. You would lose it. You had a wrap it in aluminum foil to see them. And you had to take it out of the aluminum foil, and if it fell on the floor, you were done. Sometimes it was purple, sometimes it was pink,

sometimes it was brown, but it was the size of a milliskeel. That was the most popular acid. It was 50-50. It was basically rat poison. You did it, it was striccine. You'd be grinding your teeth, looking around. Tremendous. But you went for fucking eight to.

12 hours. That's a long, that's a commitment. I mean, hard, huh? Yeah. You know, now you're like, ooh, thank God that's gone. I have anxiety hearing it. You said that I give you another bonk, do another bonk and wake it up. And then you said the sunset and you're like, oh, thank God I can go home now. And you go home and you drink milk and you go up to your room and you lay down. All some of the posters start moving again. It was that type of shit. Like it just did not go away. and then

well this is not a sales point to me that's what I'm saying this is what everyone's ever told me though it was just great the one I did to the stones honestly that was the first time

I had that drug and I wrote about this it was like a three day recovery like the three days and bells and whistles and electronic shots going through my spine like and I was just a young kid

and I was like I think I got to stop this shit. Like I really do. Like I had only done it once. But then it was just too much fun. It was the drug of the era. It was the drug of the son. Like how many, I want to tell you, you know the Carlin bit where he talks about acid, right?

It's like self-regulating. At some point, it'll say, stop. You know, just like you were done. No. So. But how many hits would you say you've had? So then let's just say that at, let's just do it by freshman year. Jesus.

Freshman year was when we. really started cooking with gas with the ass. That's three a week. We were three a week. And then something new came along. People were saying, you got to snort this shit. Now, I had always made a promise to myself,

but I would never snort nothing. But they were like, it's just THC stems. It's stems, and people boil them. And they shut the thing off. And the white powder that sticks on the side, they scrape that off.

that's what you snorting. It's harmless. And I saw, and it was, I had like this, I had 18 friends, but there was always four that were like kind of smart. And they were the ones like,

I want to do it. I'm like, you sure? So after weeks of trying, I said, let me do a line of that T. The Keefe? Like that keef that's on the,

the crystals on the weed? It was white. And your snore, I've never heard this one. This is brand new to me, right at that's not it's not and we would do it first i did it and then i gave it a break i went back the acid but what kind of high is it like what do you feel like fucking gumby and fucking like you're about like everything is just fucking flashing at you is it a different high than an acid trip it is

eventually i kept doing it and doing it so i got to the point where my mother would go to the track on sundays and i knew she was going to be on all day And me and this kid Carlos Perez, but buy a $10 package of it. And we each got a six-pack of Loanbrow. I remember Loanbrow, a lion. Isn't that like a lion? Yeah, tonight is kind of special. Yeah, it's kind of special.

The people poor must say something more but how tonight let it be Loanbrow. Spons of the church, Loambrow. Lone brow. So fucking, we would get lone brows and get fucked up and then go on journeys. we just walk and talk shit. When I get old, I want to be a doctor. I'm not, you know. And we'd just be like, cars would almost say this.

Like, beep, what the fuck? The way, that type of shit. Like, we would be fucked up. And then I found that it was actually Angel Dust. I said I had never heard in my life. I didn't know. Yeah, I didn't know what you know. That's Angel Dust.

Angel Dust is like guerrilla business. Kids, PCP, animal quanker, and they turn them into a powder and you fucking snort them. And you go to eight hours. And then I powder out. You go for eight hours. Like I tried it and I didn't want to know. And I didn't want to fucking know.

So we used to play either or. We used to play a game, either or either or. Either we do acid or we do T.C. Oh, T.C. crystals are called it. So that's what it was called until one day, somebody said, stupid, wake up, you're snoring down and tranquilizers. How long had you been doing it, would you say, before you actually found out what it really was? About three and a half months.

And I remember sitting there going, they surprised me. You get fucked up. You know what? So can you explain this? You're like, all right. I suckered for it. I've been over here. I would have been over here snorting him with you.

I'd have been like, he's a T. They said. Who said? The drug dealer said that. I mean, it was, it was, it was, been paid out. I remember one time I smoked it with a pregnant chick. In 1983, they would sell it in Harlem and you could smoke it. And it was called a tray. It was $3. It was a tray.

And it was basically enough powder to sprinkle a joint with. And you could smoke it. That was maybe December, January, February of 84. No, no, of 83. maybe December of 82. It was cold out. I would have maybe 10.30 in the morning and being on a bus at 9 o'clock on Kennedy Boulevard

dropping me off on the corner and crossing the street to the bar going, wow, thank God I'm fine. I finally got it together. Like I walked in and I was still a little gumby dust because then it was just called Gumby Dust. It was like animal tranquilizing. Yeah.

So I wanted to tear of that. shit. Me and my buddies were tearing that stuff. That's why today, like I said before, I don't know what day I'm going to go on stage shit in my hand and take it out and throw it at the audience because one of these days, one of these cylinders

are going to snap. Yeah. And the real Joey Diaz is going to come out. Dementia's definitely in my future. Especially if we did this shit at the age of 13. Yeah, it's early. That's hard stuff early too. Early. I partied so hard.

my freshman going into sophomore year that I got put in the hospital at September because I had a lung infection. And they threw me out on September 28, 1979. And I got out of the hospital at 11 o'clock. At 8 o'clock that night, I was smoking dope and doing ass to the game. Jesus Christ.

It was like Muhammad Ali fought somebody. I still remember what corn arm on. My brother's ex-wife's, house is on that corner and I know what house we sat on the steps like and I and I kept doing that powder and I kept snorting that shit and then one day I walked into the basement and my mom had these friends that she would hold shit for downstairs but it was always weed bales of weed like the coffee bean like bales and I would take a little off the top and I would spray it with water to maintain the way like the holes in

12 ounces of water in the middle so it would stay heavy. So when they put it on the scale, I was a fucking genius. Oh, that's great. And I fucking, but one time I went down in there, and it wasn't weed. It was coke. A couple bales of coke. So it opened up the bales and fucking take a gram. I wouldn't do them.

I would give it to a buddy of mine. That was a real cool dude. And he would say, where did you get that shit? Oh, my God. I saw Chinese people. You know, it was real cocaine and this shit. And every once in a while, I'd scrape a little and take it and give it to him. This went on for about a month or two.

Then the guy became a cop, so now I owned him. You know, I knew he was going to do something with his life. And he became a cop. Boom, now I owned him. But that's not the point of the story. I held on to that. One dad took it, and I would surprise him. Like in 1979, when somebody would surprise you with cocaine,

you pretty much suck this day. In 1979, walking into a room with cocaine, those two chicks were going to suck your dick. They knew. Forget Harvey Weinstein. You'd make Harvey Weinstein look like a fucking gay guy. That's how strong the power of cocaine was. Guys like me could get laid.

Women were doing disgusting. things. It was a different level of disgust because it meant you had power. It was like this social if you came out of a bathroom and you went, the whole bar would look at you and come over and rub your shoulders. How is it?

It's semi-intense, you know. That's what was going on at Studio 54. This cocaine freedom makes me, you know, so that shit sold it and made white people go crazy. But at the same time, I hadn't done it.

I held down to that little package. Then the night before, some cats called me up. And they're like, we're playing a hooky tomorrow. So I said, fuck, let me bring the packets and see if one. But these guys are too straight. There was like eight of us, but one of the other dudes was a genius. And him and I used to do fucking that angel does shit at school from time to time. And one day I gave him a line.

He thought it was coke. I gave him a line of that shit. And he had a wrestling match. a high school wrestling man. Oh, my God. And he was on the bottom, and he made a move, and he bit the guy. He got disqualified. And people were like, why would you bite the guy?

Fucking Coco gave me fucking TAC Crystal. TAC Crystal. TAC Crystal, I beat me up and shit. That's what we all called it. To avoid the pain of what it really was. Right, yeah. My brother, he and a buddy, I actually told this whole story on my album, but he and a cousin brought some shit home.

in time and they called it shirm it was a and and they would call paul chuck paul that's what they call pcp paul chuck paul and they would um they would it was popular for a little while to dip this shit in PCP these joints and i i thought it was a myth at first i was like that doesn't happen because you hear shit on like opra people doing it dipping their cigarettes and cooking their babies and shit like insane stuff that these suffocating kids and freezers like and um they decided to smoke it in front of me and you know I tell that story but the thing was I thought it was a one and done thing for them you know what I mean like I knew they had done it but it's like the summer 94 I'm fresh off to Pink Floyd concert I go back to Maryland for the summer before for

between college and I'm seeing this girl at the time and we're going to Lala Paluza now originally Nirvana was going to headline I'm almost positive it's 94 and then Cobain died So they brought the smashing pumpkins in to fill that space. And it was a great. It was like Tribe Call Quest. I think the Beastie Boys were there. Fucking P-Funk was there. The smashing pumpkins.

Like, it was a good one. And they're smoking a joint. And I don't think anything up. I just think it's a joint. And the girl I'm seeing at the time goes over to take a hit. You know, she smokes weed. And she comes back and she's like, that tasted really weird. And I was like, you motherfucker.

And I went over to my brother. like is that fucking weed or is that that shit you were smoking they no it's the fuck i go what do you you can't just let some you got to tell somebody that well we thought she knew i'm like why would anyone assume that you're smoking pcp laced weed over here why would anyone why would that be your immediate it probably should be the way you treat life but why would anyone assume that anyway and this poor girl i mean she tripped out of her fucking mind for hour i mean she missed the she missed the whole fucking show she she finally collapsed and slept for hours. But when she woke up

and she was in shape, fit, you know, slender, this fucking girl was, she was starving like a fucking hostage. And I told them, you know what your penalty's going to be? You're going to fucking feed her whatever she wants at these goddamn festival prices. And this chick, I mean,

she ate for a family. I'd never seen anything like it. And she's like, I can't believe I'm still hungry. And she's just going. I was like, eat it up, girl. Eat it all. Make these motherfuckers. They spent $300 or so in food just for her to starve. I mean, I never seen anything. And then I went to dinner with her when I went back to Maryland.

Just not too long ago. And we're sitting at dinner. And I don't say anything. She goes, she goes, remember that time your brother had me smoke PZEV? And I was like, yeah, I was wondering if you're going to bring that shit up or not. She's like, I've never eaten so much of my life. She's a mom and shit.

I was like, yeah, I'm so sorry about that. PCP was complete. Like, all that shit was just so. I don't know what to call it, not ill-advised. I don't know. It was kind of ill-advised. Yeah. Because.

I wouldn't just always seem dirty to me. You know what I mean? Like literally dirty. Like just a physical dirty drug. Like cocaine seemed, I don't know why. I know it's cut and everything. But like you're talking about pure. Weeds pretty much untouched.

Shrooms are untouched. It's once people put their real fucking hands on it. I feel like it. They're grown in shit. They are grown in shit. Yeah. I don't like how they taste. I'll try the capsules you have.

What, you have shroom capsules? Oh, yeah. We're going to end the process right now. Uncle Joey's high-tech shroom capsules for the mind, soul, and spirit. Are you working on selling that? Yes. Oh, you need to, dude. Yes, it's going to go.

It's going legal in some states. I believe in microdose. Yeah, it's Colorado right now. I believe in putting them in capsules and weighing them out. And I believe that you should get a little spirit of life every day. especially if you're going through depression it's proven it's but no one knows anything that's right good for you for trying cocaine opiates all that shit is destroying our yes those the gayly trouble is just no nobody gets in trouble for if except that black guy in

new york got beat the fuck out of it which is again take those eight offices and fucking get rid of them listen if you're a cop and you know i have the utmost respect for you but police officers across the country. You have the toughest job in the world. But do me a favor. You're not fucking the rookies and this is not in 1960.

If somebody's smoking pot, who gives a fuck? There are more important things to worry about in this world right now than some guy on the corner smoking fucking pot. If you watch that video, it's very embarrassing.

It is. Like who raised you? guy. You pulled your gun out and put it in the stomach and now New York will answer back that he was a rapist who got out of jail with some fake fucking bullshit. That doesn't cover what happened. You didn't know that going into that situation. Yeah. That's called hindsight. There's 92 states where they're legal now. If you're a cop as a police officer, save yourself the aggravation as a human being. And the embarrassment. It's let it live. Listen, Somebody's kicking an old lady.

I pulled the fuck over. Somebody's kicking a homeless guy. I'm pulling the fuck over. Dude, it's so funny you say that. I see a homeless guy. I stop over here on Kuang every time. Right. What is that?

Coanga and Riverside. There's a left one. I have to go to cryo. I got to go weed. I got to make a right on that corner. There's a fucking homelding cam. Every time I stop there, I go, oh, and I throw the guy a dollar. You know, at least you'll get yourself from coffee, a little dignity.

$2. I gave the guy out a handful of, change and I got to hide from the fucking car wash because those Mexicans between the fuck and them and the valets every time I give my car my quarters a gun I go for fucking quarters and now remember if you steal

a dollar from every car you make an extra 50 a night that's how I learned not to keep weed in my car every time I left the joint in the car these motherfuckers will take it you the car you take your change and you put in the bagging you put in the glove compartment you close the glove compartment and then when you

leave, you take the baggie out. That's the only way you trick these fucking idiots. Because that's, I say, you know, you live in Hollywood. You live in North Hollywood, Studio City. You're fucking, there's always a fucking meter. You know, so, and then you don't have any change.

And those meters, you don't get much for your mileage. Ladies and gentlemen, you put a quarter on a meter Ventura, you got like three minutes. Yeah. You need to meet somebody for an hour. You're fucked. You might as well put your ATM machine and give your election results to the Russian.

For a fucking parking spot. For a fucking parking spot. I got to put an ATM machine in. There's going to be three fucking dollars and dimes and nickels. I'm the same way about you see an old person. This is just happening the other day. We were walking.

I was with my daughter's mother and my daughter. We're walking into Target in Culver City, right? And I see this little catty parked in the handicapped spot right up front. Excuse me. When you say mother and mother's daughters because you're not married to the woman? That's right. Yeah, we were in. Thank you very much.

much we're not saying baby's mama like some third world nation fucking cannibal people think it's fucking classy to say baby's mama even she says she says it sometimes she goes why don't you say that I said because I have I we're in a grown men

that's what I said and I say baby's mama give him more respect that's exactly what I said I said you're more than that's right I can't stand the dirty bitch I'll make sure she listens send me that time stamp lay Nobody likes to ex-wife. That's why, hey, you got to go with your ice cream and make believe you like them in front of your daughter.

Like, yeah, hi, how are you? But that's what she is right now, you know. She's not my fiance. She's not my wife. She's my daughter's mother. And yeah, I don't give her a stabbing? No. No.

No. But we're doing much better and we get along very well. And I always say to, I, you're more. I said, look, you know, we had a real coming to this year where I was like, you know, everybody's got their hand in my pocket for a percentage of this. that no matter what I do, whatever we all do. And I said, the person who actually helps me the most is you when we have split custody. But when I'm on the road, you, you either watch our daughter or you make sure she has child care. You make sure she's fed, safe, whatever. I can walk on stage

confident, confident and free of any worries. And I said, you know what? You're the fucking shit. So I started doing nice things for her. I was like, why is everybody else? But, you know, so we have this understanding and an agreement now. But we're walking into Target. and there's this old lady sitting in the passenger seat of this caddy up front, the parking space, and there's an older man standing over. And he's like, I fucking hate you,

mom. And I was like, whoa. And he looks like he's probably in his 60s. And she looks like she's in her 80s. And he was heated. And she was just sitting there like this. And I told her,

I said, hold on a second. Let's wait right here. This guy looks like he might actually hit this lady. And he's just screaming at her and screaming at her. And then I look at Don and I'm like, You know, I don't know. He might be right.

Who knows? I don't know the story over there, but I'm going to make sure this old lady's not in harm's way. And then, I don't know. He shut the door and that was the end of it. But I'm the same way. I'll pull over for that shit. Everything else, like leave people fuck alone. You don't understand.

Sometimes when I say pull over, you know, somebody's kicking somebody. You pull over. But there's some situations you mind your business. Yes. Because that guy might take a gun out and shoot you for being nosy-rosy. I'm old school, New York. I don't make eye contact when I keep walking. I didn't know nothing.

Excuse me, sir, did you witness that? I don't know nothing. You know what I blow? I first moved into this. I first moved into this apartment in Baltimore with my brother. And I come home from UPS at night. Shout out the UPS, Baltimore, Her Primary One, Joe Avenue. I worked in graveyard shift.

I get home like 3.30 in the morning. And I'm not in the place 15. There's cops everywhere. And I'm like, oh, man. And I knew that we had just had a party because we just moved in, everybody's smoking and drinking. And I'm like, fuck, these assholes, we're going to get evicted our, it's got to be them, whatever.

And they're all, the cops are all in that. And the way it was, this apartment complex, you'd enter these glass doors, and then you could go upstairs or downstairs. And it's, you know, that's like New York or in a way where there's apartment here, here, here, here, here, here, here. It's like six of them right there, you know, in the little corridor.

And the cops are like, you can go ahead. Where do you live? I'm like, right here in 12. They're like, go ahead. So I go on our place. I shut the fucking door. I'm trying to wake my brother up. He's asleep drunk.

I look out the blinds. Cops have their guns drawn. What the fuck is going on? And now I'm looking out the P-Pol. It's my first or second night in this place. Okay. Here come the cops with the battering ram down the fucking stairs. I'm like, oh, that's what I'm walking.

I'm like, holy shit. What the fuck that's going on? But it could. And then I'm like, they wouldn't have let me come in if it was for my place, you know? And then right across, I mean, the door across my P-Pole. right there. And it's not that much farther than that wall right there where I am. And I'm standing straight up.

And these cops got the ban and ram. They're, you know, open the fucking door. We open the fucking door. And the guy, nothing. And they just, boom. They bang it open. They start, yeah. They are all running in with their guns. And they're like, we know the guns in here. And I'm like, what? I dove. I thought bullets were just going to come flying through. I dove over here by the cat. I'm crawling back down the hallway. I'm like,

get on the floor. Mother fucking get on the floor. They brought this black dude out. I'll tell you what, his girl was a fucking G because she didn't give him up. She didn't give him up. She didn't give the gun up. She didn't give him anything. They drug his ass out.

And they put him, they had his hands behind his back. And they put him on the stairs. You know how steps go like this. They put his head up on this part of the step and his shoulder down on this part of a step. And they put their knees on this motherfucker's neck in the gap where it is. Let me tell you something. That shit bent 90 degree. They were fucking.

going on him. He was screaming. He wouldn't give it up. They were fucking him up on those steps. They take him out. Then they go in and they start yelling at her and she doesn't give anything up. She's like, it's not in here. I don't know what you're talking about. It's not. And she, they were screaming. She was not intimidated at fucking all. They bounce out of there. I'm like, holy shit. This is like night one, night two. And then they come knocking on everybody's door and they're like, you know, did you see anything? Did you hear anything? I was like, I didn't, I didn't see her here or anything. I had just gone on the back. I was in the shower. My brother's sleeping.

We didn't hear anything. Door shut, lock, and nobody ever fuck with us after that. This is a neighborhood that we found out the highway too. We ordered pizza and they're like, yeah, we don't deliver to you at night. I was like, what? There were so many people that would just order a pizza and then

robbed the delivery driver of his money and the food that after dark you had to go pick it up. Papa Johns would not deliver to our fucking neighborhood after dark. That's where we lived for a year. He just reminded me of a mugging the delivery boy one time. You mugged the delivery boy.

We were kids, 88th Street Park, had two houses across from it. So we would run to Kurt D. Lorenzo's house and called the Chinese delivery guy to meet us at that house. But we'd be 10 of us on 88 Street Park. And as soon as he pulled up, listen, one night, one of the kids got in and stole the car and actually started making delivery. doing his run and he kept the dough and fucking left the car. We were crazy. That was crazy. That is good.

That was good. One night we held the guy like at night point and took his money for Coke at like 11.30. That was the cops came. We had to run the whole fucking deal. But the night that the kid and I can't remember his name

and I have a friend of mine that I grew up with a driver truck, Timmy H. He listens to podcasts. He'll remember and two days I'll call him and he'll go. Oh, you're talking about that guy. That story was huge in my hometown. This kid was that crazy. He got in a dutch car.

Made a delivery. Made three deliveries pulled over and just walked home. And he took an order home with him. Whatever was in there was in there. Order number four was in there. He took it home and he was a legend. Oh, that's great, man. That's great.

Just yeah, we got to This is really interesting When I was writing it out I was like oh I can't wait to get on sickler And talk about PCPensive And it got to the point where it was like We either did THC

Or ass So how'd you stop the PCP What just same way It finally was a lot Cocaine That's what I'm getting to So you try So you oh so wait you snort

a PCP before you ever did cocaine? Oh yeah. Cocaine was never on my radar. Also because you also thought it was THC. Heron was never on my radar. See, I'm allergic to pills. I throw up. I did not want to do anything that you had to put in your nose. You know, the first time I did that THC crystal for like a week, I felt guilty.

But I go, it's T8. I knew from the age of six marijuana was harmless that people were wasting their time with marijuana. I had a godfather that smoke. that he would he would giggle and I would call if this is what happens I want to do it I see all these people arguing all the time and getting mad and my godfather giggles it's stupid shit we would sing songs bye bye miss American pie in the car and you know it was just the best times together whenever he got high someone told me you're going to yell at me

for Tony I went to the weed cafe but I went to that weed cafe with Josh wolf you bet you bet you did but let me tell you something I'll tell you what I really liked about it. No, no people yelling at each other. No arguments. No one with their face in their phone. Every single person laughing, having a good time, actually engaged in conversation. Like outside all the bullshit and the novelty and all that crap, it really was a, it was like if you put a commercial for a weed bar and an alcohol bar, side by, it's before.

It's night and day. It's so different. Everyone engaged, having a good time, not sloth. loppy, you know, there's nobody throwing up over in the fucking corner, you know, the drunk girl tripping over shit, the guy that's being loud and an asshole, all that, none of it. None of it's smoking. And having a good time. That's what it is.

Eating and talking and really engaging and enjoying conversation. It was actually refreshing to see. Food was good. It was pretty good. Look, here's the thing. Other people are like, oh, you say that because you're high. The truth is it was good. I've been three times.

And the only reason I was okay going back is the food was decent enough. It's, you can smoke anywhere out here. Why am I going to go eat it Denny's if just because I can smoke weed there. I don't give a fuck. I can smoke weed out in front of that. I had, I tried a bunch of stuff. Wings, street corn, burger, pizza.

There's a lot. I mean, their menus, tacos. Everybody got a bunch of different stuff. We all shared. I'm trying to remember everything. But everything was damn good.

Ribs. I think there was like short ribs, not ribs, but everything was good. I hear you. I hear you. But also, I don't, I'm not a kid. I'm not over there renting fucking, you know,

gravity bongs and all that shit. I get my, I think you're allowed to bring it in. I think you are. But you can buy it there and they say you can't take it home, but the whole thing is you can totally take it home. It's like, give me a packet at to go or whatever,

and they'll bring it to you. But, you know, I just buy like an individual one. I'll tell you what I did have there that I didn't even know I liked it. And I got it by accent, but it was a, It was like a, it was almost a cigar wrapped in a cannabis leaf. And have you had it?

I think so. Yeah, it looks like a cigar. It's fat. And the mouthpiece is a little glass piece in there. And it's, I don't know if Gino has these big fat ones like that, but it was so good. I don't like, like, I've never been a blunt fan only because I really like the taste of marijuana. And I feel like that cigar wrapper dominates the flavor. I'm tasting that more than I'm tasting the weed.

Like putting olives on a pizza. I'm tasting the fucking, I want to eat the pizza. But I really like this because it wasn't, it was marijuana flavored, the leaf, you know, and fat. And it was such a, it had a little bit of keef sprinkled on it. It was fucking amazing, wonderful. And you can put it out and, you know, pick that one back up and keep going. That was a good one. I just sit there and smoke and it's this right here at a cafe eating.

And there's an outside and inside. It was very well done. But also, when I was 16, I played soccer for the U.S. on a under 17 team. And I went to Amsterdam at 16. This is 73, 83, 89. I'm in Amsterdam. And the bulldog and every fucking place over there in the Red Light District had it.

We're talking 30 years later. We're just getting our first fucking cannabis play. It's ridiculous what they've done with marijuana. Buy weed while you're there. Yep. Absolutely. You walk right in. They got the one dude had a little.

stand selling nickel and dime bags right at the door if you just wanted some weed or any of the food you can get marijuana in you can get it with or without you know your eggs or whatever use it yeah um so that was 30 years ago this is the wait online it wasn't josh knew somebody got us in and then once i'd gone in and they knew i'd been there they let me in right away and you can make a reservation online too um but if you wait online you're sitting you know down the sidewalk and shit but if you make a reservation or if you just have a connection you'll get right in we we waited no more in five minutes to sit at a table and we got a nice table service more you know one person's only allowed to do food they can't do weed one person has to just do weed but i do think when you when you take that

weed to go all three times they waited so long to bring that pack to the table that i was like i bet you they bank on everybody getting high and already cashing their bill out forgetting that they ordered that fucking pack and out they bounce but i waited i don't i don't forget. Can I get another water? Yeah, get to it. I don't give a fuck. It's at all of it. I don't. I don't know. You know, man,

what you guys forget, what everybody forgets is that I'm 57 and I look 57. Nothing bothered me more when I was 22 and old guys would try to act you. I don't mind trying to

be young, but trying to, like, show off. Like, you ever go to a party, and there's that old guy with long hair looking like Jesus made a comeback? Yeah, I know that guy. Okay, grandpa. You know what I am? Like, I feel like grandpa now. But you're...

A lot of places you walk into, I just feel... But if you sat in a bar, if you sat in a bar, you wouldn't feel that way. Yeah, you don't see me in bars. But I'm saying you wouldn't be looked at that way or feel that way. I'll tell you what. You're on to something because I always thought I wouldn't smoke. weed with my kids. I thought maybe when their parents, I'll smoke weed with the kids, whatever. I don't want to be the parent. Because I always in my mind, it would have been at like a cookout

or some shit, you know what I mean, or a vacation or a we're in Jamaica, whatever. It would have been a special thing. But when I saw Josh brought his son, he was, you know, Jake, it's 22. It's legal. And I never considered in my mind that there would be the possibility of smoking weed with my children at a place where it was legal to sit and everyone's doing it. I never even, you know, that thought didn't cross my mind, you know? And once I saw that, I was like, oh, well, at 21, she'll be able to do it anyway. I would have a drink with my kid at 21. Why wouldn't I smoke weed with my kid in this sort of setting?

So it changed my mind on it. And I hear you feeling like the old guy trying to be cool. But that of all the places I've been, including any fucking cast I've seen in Hollywood that preaches diversity, diversity, diversity. That restaurant was so fucking diverse in. culture in age, in sex, in race, everything. It was old white ladies kicking it over in the corner, smoking, and laugh. And it was, you know, young, black, Asian, white, Latino, everybody.

It was a melting pot. It was just a nice little thing. I'm fucking impressed. But you wouldn't have been an outside. No, I don't want to go there. Number two, that's another thing I wouldn't want to do. It was history. Is get high with my kids.

I don't get high in front of my kids. I don't want my daughter to know I get high. Once you're fucking once you see your hero doing something, you're going to fucking do it. Yeah. I know because in the environment that I grew up in, I don't like that little niche of a relationship with a kid. I don't know.

I'm with you. I always felt that way too, yeah. You know what? But when your daughter's 25, 23, you wouldn't have a glass of wine at Christmas dinner or something with her. You know, let's make it to her being 23. Amen to that, brother. Amen to that, brother. I don't see it.

There's no alcohol in my house. I don't want her to see her. You know, I love when parents are like, oh, I dropped my kid off and we're so hungover today. if that's not for me, I don't ever want to hear that coming from a parent's fucking mouth because your kid hears that word, I'm over. And now it's acceptable. They're seeing their heroes doing what society.

You know what I'm saying? Yeah, I hear you. All that is just a little too creepy for me. I like my kids to be a little bit more cut off with the biblical cord at that age. I see too many, too many kids, young age, connected to the young court to their parents. You gotta cut that cord.

Yeah, there's a lot of helicopter parents over there. Yeah, it's, I don't know, I have weird vibes on that. I was raised in a house where alcohol was accepted. You're raising a bar. Yeah. I saw the effects. That's why cocaine was never, I was never going to do cocaine. Because I remember being at the bar late night and shooting pool by myself.

and looking at people what they had become in the hour that I was shooting pool, they were snort and coke, and now they were at the bar, and they were chatty, they were creepy. They would all give me an extra $10 if I came over and bothered them. But, you know, where I learned, my mom did cocaine,

and I knew when she'd do it, and it'd fucking tore me up inside when she'd do it, especially when I had to tell the clean her nose. Yeah. So it always bothered me. So for me to fucking ever do coke was never going to happen. And heroin, I got another horrible story about heroin, so that was never going to happen.

But one day I went downstairs and there was coke in the thing. And like I said, for a couple months, I was giving it to a friend of mine to impress him. And then one day I took a little piece and saved it in my desk. And I didn't know why. And the night before, the kids called me and they go, we're going to play hooky. And that day we went.

And we, as we were going to Hudson County Park, as we were walking there, up the corner was a beer truck. I'll never forget him. That's when we were robbed beer trucks. You robbed beer more than one? Oh, my God. If you saw a beer truck, you went to eat breakfast. All right, so I would always sign up for first class, first period at 7.30 class. That's what time period one is.

A lot of my friends were lazy. they came in for fourth period. Home room was 940. The fuck wants to go to school at 940. Yeah. I want to go to 7.30 and get it over it. So I would take first period, second period. Then third period was study hall. That means breakfast.

You're not allowed to leave the building. Good. Go tell them to the Marines. We would go to hashways and get a fucking... Ham and egg on a fucking... On a fucking... Roll. ...on nice poppy seed roll.

and they were tight, a soda, maybe a bag of wise potato chips. Yeah, yo-ho. The old old ring ding and shit. And strolling. And I remember they had monitors up, like, you know, I'm out to leave. Okay.

One day suspension. Good, good for you. Keep believing that. We either went there or the Fifth Avenue, they had the best meatball hero in the country at that time. Next to it was an abandoned garage. I was really cold, so you could stand there, eat your hero,

and then spark up. Okay. It was tremendous. We either went there. But what were we talking about, breakfast or whatever? So we were walking the hatchways to have breakfast. And next to the hashways at that time was a liquor store. And that's when there were one guy.

It used to be just one guy. And he would get out of his truck, open up the thing with the belt. Now is that the old side rolled up? Yeah, yeah, the garage door. He would empty his. He would get the wheel, the car. Dolly, yeah. the dolly, the hand cart.

He would put the five cases on there. Door up. Sometimes he would put 20 cases and take him in five apiece. We timed just perfectly. As soon as he turned around, you shot across the street and took that type case. And everybody got one? We tried. So it'd be like two of a way.

If you took three. You only get one shot at that. We took three. We're like the Colombians. We took three because we're going to lose one. One. When the guy chased. We took three because we're going to lose a lot.

Because we always threw that. The truck driver. The truck driver had two options. Oh, yeah. The truck driver had two options. A, chase you, abandon this truck, and then we really robbed the shit out of you. Oh, God. Or B, take the loss.

Say, fuck you. Because I still remember the situation. There was a safe way in front of you. in a Hudson County Park. And that dummy decided to run from the truck one day and chase the kid that you weren't going to catch unless you had a missile. He was like a Puerto Rican.

His father left him when he was three. He steals second like a motherfucker. Yeah, that motherfucker steals second and third. And this guy went on an embarkment to chase this little Puerto Rican. And left the door and the cases out. Come on. That's a rookie man.

That's when we like took bags. We were like, it was like us as good fellas. Remember when they saw the television going in and out of the bar? That's what it was. It was like us picking up a case. Because once you went into the park, you lost us. We wouldn't get to find this. We could even hide from the cops.

You would see the cops flying around with lights looking for us and we'd be in the fucking weeds getting fucking, what's that shit you get from the grass that makes you itchy? Poison ivy? Oh, yeah, yeah. We would hide and get poison. We didn't give a fuck. man, Jack. Oh, my, my.

Little Poison Ivy, he never killed nobody. He put a little fucking preparation H on it. Preparation A. I used to get that shit, so we used to get, so you bring it up,

man, poison ivy, we had poison oak, we had sumac, we had all these things, and I would get it so fucking bad. I used to, I got ringworm from the woods. Ringworm?

How the hell did you get ringworm from the woods? Because. Dirty shit, he said, because. Because I was a dirty fucking kid. I was telling my wife,

When I was a five-year-old kid, I stopped wiping my ass, right? Like, I wouldn't wipe my ass. I would just take a shit, put underwear on. No. And go to school. Not even know. And my mom would say to me, oh, what's with these fucking shitty underwear? And I let it feel like, oh, I'm in my ass.

She goes, listen, the next time you give me a shitty underwear, it's over. And I would have little kids come over at the house. One day, I gave her an underwear that was plastic with, like, two inches and shit. My mother took it and hung it up on the door. my bedroom. And she's like, so when your friends come over, now they can see. Oh, my. I don't have a friend come over for a year.

Not only did I wipe my ass, I put a hose in my ass afterward. I was a filthy little fucking speck dog. And then I sit here and I'm like, I was insecure at that age. I had no friends yet because they smelled like shit. Yeah. Now, looking back, can you imagine how bad I smelled this little fucking kid? I mean, with that's, yeah. No one guy got hit in the head with a lunchbox.

No wonder those kids are there. attack me at fucking Central Park. I smelled like shit as a fucking kid, but my mom turned them around and hung them up with like thumbtacks. And she's like, until you learn how to clean your ass, your friends are going to see you under it.

Well, don't worry about that because my friends ain't coming over here. No, I'm good. I'm baby white mine, everything. Oh, now I stick my finger up there. Oh, man.

I got like a little lufa. A lufa? Oh, I got a little lufa. No. Yeah. Wait, it's a home, this is a homemade thing? Yeah.

What do you? I've had this lufa for years, and whenever it gets wound down, I cut another piece. I wrapped it around my finger. But you save the lufa for your asshole. Oh, yeah, you got a lufing asshole. While the puddles hitting it from the fucking... Yeah, well, that's splash it.

You get that, you rubbed, and you look at the lufel. You get a little what's that thing that they see, colonoscary bags, you know, those little hemorrhoids are an inch up in your ass that locks up. If you take a shit, it's dented. Dented. The shit. Next time it's dented on the side.

It's like when you shoot a bullet off, the gun is made a certain way, so it has things on it, marks, sightings, or whatever they call it, you know what gun they came from. Every asshole is the same. That's why you can never identify a piece of shit. If you see a piece of shit on this tree, it's like, hold on. That's a joke. This is Lee Syatt's asshole. Go arrest Lee Syed on the pretense is because there's no way to match it. I have seen yours enough time that I might be able to pick it out.

Which one? You're on your shits. Like it all thin and weird. They're thin and weird. Yeah, like they're all thin. They're long. Oh, yeah, they're real long, especially after like a three-day trip. But anyway, what are we talking about?

Not shit. We were talking about the rims around or whatever the fuck. You were loof for your ass. I loo for my ass. Yeah. You have to. At this age, you have to. I remember when I first, I was a girl.

She was a girl from Argentina that I dated too in my 20s. And she's like, I go use baby wipes. She's like, yeah, I'll just top my. myself off here and there or whatever after I go to the bathroom I use it. I was like, oh, that's why you always like smell so good and so nice. And then I started using baby wipes because of her. And that's when I realized, oh, my ass is definitely not clean. It's not. Dry toilet paper does not clean an ass. It does not clean an ass. It does not clean and ask. It isn't amazing. I know they have baby wipes, but it's amazing to me that there hasn't been some

sort of wet toilet paper that's been created yet. You know, whenever I go into public restroom, I go right to the paper towels. I wet a bunch of paper towels and I use wet paper towels. That toilet paper they put in those public restaurants, your finger goes right through that. I ain't doing anything. When I was 21, 22, I dated a girl for a while. And one day we broke up and I bumped into a month later when we were talking.

And she pulled me aside and she goes, I don't mean to hurt your feelings, but you really do have a stinky asshole. I can smell it when I suck your dick and that put me over the top. I was like, it's true. You wipe your ass. It doesn't do nothing. No.

So ever since that time, when I took a shit, I always wipe, wash the toilet paper, and I get in there, you know. I'll take an extra two minutes if I'm traveling or something. Always wipe fucking toilet paper. If I have to go to a public bathroom, sometimes I take toilet paper and wash it and take it into the private bathroom. Yeah. I'm that.

I got baby wipes in the car. I got baby, but I always baby wipe about a half inch into the asshole. and take away the mildew and the malook. And if you bump into some of they suck your dick, your asshole smells like a fluke. Got that clean his ass in the bill. Yeah, you don't want to fucking stink like that. I had a friend of mine.

She told me a story one time about a guy she knew. It was a friend of hers. This made me laugh so hard. It's so fucked up. But he went out one night on a bender, got really fucked up, brought this girl back with him. She's equally as fucked up. And they have a one-night stand.

They pass out. He wakes up in the morning. He realizes. He is shit everywhere all over himself to bed her, but she's still fucking passed out wasted. So he gets up, he gets in the shower real quick, he rinses off, he gets dressed, he leaves his own place. But before he does, he leaves a note downstairs and says, you disgusting bitch, you did this. You need to get the fuck out of my place. When I get back in a couple hours, you better be gone.

So who took this shit? He did. He did. But he literally took it. She said he packed it on her a little bit, rubbed it on. and then made her think she did it and he got to fuck out of the goddamn house. To this day, that poor girl's probably traumatized things. It's probably telling it it's like their worst story.

Like, this one time I went home and I shit myself all the guy's house. He might even be in rehab. That dude fucking blamed that shit on her because he couldn't got out of there. Oh, my God. That's disgusting. That's disgusting. You got some fucked up friends. I don't know.

That guy was a friend of a friend. Pulls over, falls at a concert on mushroom. The type of people you hang out. He just got done telling a story about smoking PCP with a pregnant lady. Yeah, you know. And when the shit one. It's crazy how. If I take, like, if I take Lee to a concert,

oh, I'll be dead. And he takes three edibles and he passes out. Lee knows I'll leave him there. Like, while the band playing. You leave me there without being passed out. While the show, when the show ends, I'll get a beer. When the show ends, I'll pick him up. And I'll go, Lee, you may pass down.

He'll look at me like, what do you mean? I go, you passed out, nothing bad. Come on, let's get out of you. I'm going to walk. He'll walk out of there. People go, that's a dude that was past out. That's what happens. I was the type of dude.

You came with me to a show and you passed out of something. I left you right there. I didn't know nothing. People stepping out of your shit, fuck, and I'm not going to get the middle of this. The band's doing their best material. The middle of it. You know what I'm going to bend over now to fucking pick you up and let you know it's

okay. You do the consequences. you ain't think I roll a biscuit and I'll deal with it. When the concert and the lights come on, I pick you up, I take the vomit off your shirt as much as we can and we help you out of the building.

How long can I pass out for? A long time. Don't worry about nothing. And now you're walking the streets of New York and every 20 feet. Hey, that's a guy that was passed out. Hey, that's the guy that was passed out. You'll never go to a fucking concert again.

And every time I took somebody no concert, whether they went with me or friends. You know, my hometown went to so many concerts at the garden that by the time you get there, you're like, I didn't know you were coming sickly. Yeah, we got tickets four weeks ago. Oh, you see everybody. Those are the days that you have to mail it in.

Oh, yeah. You had to mail in a money order, and there was a raffle, and then you got chosen. So you got your check back, or you got four tickets. So you never really knew until a week before the show. I mean, we just, we slept out. on the sidewalk. That's the way it's shifted to do you had to be first in line.

How crazy. Remember that? And then Ticketmaster comes along and you might be first in line going to get a good saying you're already in the second section because Ticketmaster already bought up all the fucking my gosh. Can you see what your Ticketmaster came to business? I just want to check. We were just talking about how to fuck. It is amazing how

you can't scalp. But Ticket Master can sell the fuck out of that shit called a convenience fee. The government ain't getting their cut. That's all it is. We were living in very weird times. 76. Huh?

76. 76. I saw Pink Floyd, the wall, in February of 80. At that time, you would drive to an office. That was Ticketmaster. So, PLJ would say,

which was the radio station, New York then we'd go. Tickets are going on sale tomorrow, 10 a.m. For Pink Floyd, you had to go to those offices. There was certain, There was no going on wine.

Right. You had to call ticket master and see what was the nearest hub to you. That's right. They had them in Macy's. Macy's, Paramus Raw. But I remember for Pink Floyd exclusively, I remember that we went to Paramus, I think, and then we met a U-turn and went to St. Peter's Prep. There was a ticket master there.

And that St. Peter's Prep, that nice kids don't listen to Pink Floyd. When we walked in, you would ask, Lynn. let me get the best tickets you got. Right. Turn around, going to a file, you know, and then get like a little ticket and say, these are the best I got, and then she'd show you on the map where you were saying.

And tell you, you know, these are going to be, you know, nothing was everything that was 1850. 1850. Yeah, that's right. Dinkly, fucking Ozzy 1850. Let's do it. Ozzie, 1850, okay? You know, like that was it.

You know, and then it. I don't know what. Ticketmaster. Who did Pearl Jam go to war? Ticketmaster. Ticket master. That's who they went to war with. They did.

And listen, people really don't, the consumer. It's very interesting what's about to happen two days ago. Last week, they announced Netflix and all those companies pulled out of South by Southwest. Oh, I didn't know that. They told their employees. they weren't a lot to go. Just like all the other companies are going, we can't be liable for you to go to these festivals now.

This happened two weeks ago. The week of the 5th, March 5th, all agents got grounded. Because they can't, they could travel on their own dime, but they can't travel. The company's dime because they could sue the company. because of this coronavirus. Yeah, you got me thinking I want to fly to Phoenix

next week. No, I got you saying. I mean drive, drive. You're ready for a six-hour drive. Yeah, that's not a bad drive. A little edible with you. Get a little pink float compilation and do 90. I'll listen to the delicate sound.

Stop every three hours, fill up, get something to eat. And that's it. Monday morning, whatever. Right after the shit. No. God damn it. It's a one show on Sunday? No show Sunday.

I'm just Thursday to Saturday. Saturday night. Right after the show. Yeah, I'll be back three in the morning, yeah. You get back at three in the morning. Four. Yeah. Yeah.

Because you don't want to leave it. You want to leave at Saturday at 10, 10.30, right? So it's six hours. Yeah. Yeah, you're right. The time I did it, I hope. hooked up with a girl and had a lever in the hotel room and drive and I hit traffic. I'm 30 minutes away and bump at a bump of traffic.

That's when I hit, you know. So if you get like that Monday morning traffic or any morning traffic, because you got to go through somewhere, the 15. It all connects. The 10 to 15, I mean the 10 to 5 and the 101 are all right there. All right there. So it's kind of a rough drive. But you know what?

Until we know what's going to. on with this coronavirus. I mean, I'm pretty much done. Like, I went to the comedy store two Tuesdays ago, and I could smell it in there. You said that. I could smell it in that. It's out there. I smelled it last night at a fucking restaurant.

My wife went to a restaurant the other day. She said there was four fucking tables. She goes, you know how many times I've gone there? And the place is overpacked last night. There was only four tables taken. Yeah, these people are telling me that smart and final, like hand sanitizers gone. Everything's gone. And California declared a state of emergency, which New York City will too.

Well, San Francisco did and San Diego did, but L.A. hadn't. And I'm like, if it's in San Francisco and San Diego, it's fucking here. Yeah, and it's been here for a while. Yeah. First case was January 21st. in Seattle, Washington. I traveled the 25th. And again, I saw a higher

than normal amount of Asians traveling. It was like a bomb had been thrown off into the country. And they're just getting out of it. And they're just getting out of it. And I don't blame them. I'm not mad at nobody. I'm not blaming this on the... I'm still going to believe Dr. Drew

what he says, that this is here. If you're older, if you have an immune disorder, if you're an infant, obviously, you could be in trouble. But the first thing... flu kills what he's say 80,000 people a year and we don't you know ain't nobody freaking out about that so I think we're uh I think we'll be our listen man it goes back to one thing taking care of yourself wash your motherfucking wash your motherfucking hands getting your sleep

let me ask you when you take and greet do you shake hands I got to start punch I got to fist bump guess what meet and greets are going away yeah they're going to have to I guess you want a fist pump but I can't take a picture with you I can't take a picture with you. How can we take pictures now in this climate? You want to take a picture of me after getting on a plane? You got to be crazy. You come and you watch me and you fucking run out of there

and get some real oxygen. I know? It's going to be very interesting what the touring climate might be. If they pull out of Coachella and shit like that, that's going to scare our business suffers. Yeah. You know, our business is coming into the slow season anyway. Yeah.

It's the summer months. People might say, fuck it. Why go in there until we know what the fuck's going on with people? I mean, listen, I went out a couple nights ago, and people are acting like there's nothing going on. People still want to give you pumps. People still putting out their hands. People still want to hug you.

I'm at an age where everything, I'm the perfect candidate. Don't fucking hug me. don't fucking breathe on me you know like just don't you know so uh this is part of taking care yourself i've always been washing my hands i can't believe they let a statistic out fucking 61% of men don't wash their hands after they go to the bathroom every time i take a handshake with a guy after a comedy show i know i just touched his hand every man i know masturbates his ball but yes and i hope they masturbate with both hands so this writing gig i just fucking had um i would be in there taking a shit and these guys would come in they would shit they would

piss and they wouldn't wash their hands at all and i'm like yo what the fuck are you don't shit and whoa back out in there like that get the fuck out of here no it's sick it's pretty it's pretty wild how people aren't i don't know i'm not a scientist i'm not a fucking whatever but i will tell you that am i scared no it's not it's not a scientist i'm not a fucking whatever but i will tell you that am I scared no it's not like no Godzilla's running down the street I'm a Japanese guy running from my life no but I do have concerns do you see that

older guy had a Ralph's drinking for a soup oh I did see that the dude went into the grocery store the self-serve soups you know you lift the lid up the dude took the ladle he taste tested it and then put it fucking back put it right back in there yeah listen you need to be all you need to be taking them out back, two through the bag of the head.

Those days are over. If you go to a salad place and you take salad and make your own salad, you're going to die. Just assume all that stuff. The breathing, assume all that stuff. If you go for a supermarket, you're not going to Macy's or gimbal and trying shit on.

Milk, sugar, egg, steak, and get the fuck out. You don't walk in the house anymore. Like, oh my God, let me shite comparison. Pay what you got to pay and get the fuck out of that. don't want to lurk in there. You know which one of the fucking neighbors where people travel from?

Poor Maj Gibrania. He's having the hardest time because I guess a lot of Iranians go to his show and they travel in. So he's got to switch it up or something. You know, this is just going to fucking if you're an intelligent individual, you got to ask

yourself, you know, what, I don't know, you can't believe. People said they came in and nobody even talked to for a month. They came from Italy and nobody even said nothing to me what about that moron that attorney from New York that went skiing in Italy

and everybody everything is fucking every 18 people have it because of him 18 people how would you feel because you wanted to be that special I want to go to Italy those are the motherfuckers like we're not working Jimmy Schubert went to

Korea yeah he did Jimmy Schubert's in Korea shooting a TV show are you fucking crazy How long it will be until he talks to Jimmy? Years. Years. Years.

You got to go get fucking decontaminated now. I don't give a fuck what they tell you. We had a four-month, I heard from a trusted friend that the CDC dropped the ball on this one. They had a four-month warning and they dropped a ball, and now we're going to get bit in the ass. So I'm not here to instill danger or harring people. I'm going to tell you the reality of it. I don't know much about it. So I ain't going to fuck with it.

Remember, what was that drug people doing years ago and turning into lizards? That was the bath salts. The bat salts. Yeah. Okay. You just saw three people turn into lizards, right? I didn't see a guy run like a cheetah.

Why would you want to do that? You want to give it a try? Yeah. You see what it does. You see what it already does. And now you want to give it a fucking try. You want to give it a spin. So that's what pisses me to fuck off.

you know whatever I'm gonna try to do this date that I have in Nyack I hope it all works out and if not I got dates I'm worried about it are you I mean I am and I'm not you know what I mean every time I fly I'm always worried

about getting some someone's fucking bullshit in my lungs I feel like I get sick a lot when I fly especially during the winter when you're just in a tube sucking everyone else's shit you see these videos putting their feet up on the fucking shit they're filthy they're filthy you know what's Assume at all levels. That's right.

They're filthy fucking animals. Pigs. Just assume. You know, and I know they tell you, you shouldn't assume. It makes an ass of you and me. Assume. You got all, I'm telling Lee. We got clean asses, though, bro.

Since the second day I met Lee, I go, Lee, don't want a delivery food no more. Why? Because your generation believes that shit. You're too stupid. They don't believe that the delivery people open up for you. Oh, come on. Spin it. And everything.

He kept doing it. He kept doing it. What are we, 10 people that told you what they? What are we? did it and then you found like kids like him grow up thinking that it's on the up and up guys nothing's on the up and up that's three sets of hands touching your fucking food yeah the fucking guy who cooked it cooked the packet the person in packages leave me alone you're gonna fucking die and then at the top of it off some greasy guy that makes

three dollars per delivery or whatever you don't think he opens up your pizza and takes a piece of little cheese or pepperoni you're gonna miss it you're gonna miss it you You're too hungry. You're watching the fucking the radar game. You know, you're too hungry. You didn't count the wings. They told you six. Yeah.

I'll give you five, and you won't know it. You know, so do not avoid all that. I don't get food delivered. I would never get food. You go pick it up. Go pick it up. You go to the green apple, you go pick it up. Green apple is a good spot.

That's my Chinese spot. I love that you still have a Chinese spot after all. Well, I haven't gone there. You don't see me going over there doing open mics singing. I haven't been there in weeks. I miss Chinese food. You know what I'm saying? You got to give it a little breather right now.

They might have brought in a chef from Mohan now that told us. And I'm eating a fucking, I'm meeting a fucking fucked up dumpling. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, Corona Dumble. Yeah, Corona dumpling. Right now, you got to... I'm not saying, be racist. That's not going to work, but Chinese food's been the last thing on my mind lately.

Let's just say, you know what I'm saying? Without signing, I could go for some garlic fried rice. And I'm going to be on. I'm fucking pork dumplings and nice fucking French-style filet mignon right now. I can't even eat that. It's fucking whatever. It's Lent, so I'm light on the meat. They're at Lent.

You know what I'm saying? I love other people. give it up you just go light on it i don't eat it on friday you still you stick with that yeah that's the hot up see that was always pizza for us on friday you know what i mean yeah growing up is pizza and muffs friday yeah pizza and shrimp or crab nice mussels red muscles with that red sauce and you eat that muscle and then you take a slice of pizza oh my god yeah i got high a couple times this week and destroyed the other and then i fucking went

to joes i bumped into gno from speed we yeah by the way is sponsored you who by the way is the 420. Uncle Joey's 420 show, 8 o'clock comedy store. You got the Netflix festival, you got the Montreal Comedy Festival, and you got the Joey Dias motherfucker fucking festival. 420 at the fucking comedy store. Bring edibles because we're going deep into the murky waters, but what was I saying? You saw Gino at Joe's. I saw Gino and he gave me one of those joints, and I smoked it buying the comedy store by myself. and I fucking was driving home I'm like you know what I gotta stop at

fucking Joe's pizza I had like 18 points left I had points left and I had boxed that day so I was okay I burned like 16 I burnt like 30 minutes of boxing I don't put the whole hour I put 30 minutes how much do you really moving

and so I had points to burn I wanted to fucking Joe's pizza the night stone to the hills 1115 I double parked my car put my hazards on I walk right in there

I go let me get two grandma's pizzas the ones are the mozzarella and it's loose oh my God I ate two of them and I got in the car I went a diet snap

and as I was gonna make the left turn I go let me take two more just for the room I did the same thing I went back in too I did too I took two more

I go maybe I'll give one to leak as I hit the one I go fuck leak he can go get his whole fucking pizza that's the spot man what's going on with your podcast brother all good things right now you got an episode coming out the honeydew podcast

you can follow it on social media honeydewpodcast.com I got some dates can I tell my date what's your next move for this for stand up I'm going to do a special for but I also love to produce I like you know I've had

I've been able to work on some shows that help sell and we got some shows coming up that I really want to work on. Josh Wolf and I are starting a new one coming up here. I'm starting one with Simone too. Yeah, thank you. Whatever you just did brought it back, brother.

I don't know. I want to stay in the digital space. TV's dying. It's dead. These people are either getting fired, laid off, let go, or they're getting promoted. New people don't want. There's so many things that could happen

to derail anything outside of you having talent or a great idea or anything. And if you just put it all on digital, it lives there. And the people can go there and watch it. There's nobody that's killing your, you know, digital channel unless you're doing some crazy, crazy shit. But I don't do that. So, yeah, I want to create more content, some digital shows.

It'll be really exciting stuff coming up. I can't really talk about yet. But you'll be a part of it. You'll be seeing it. Oh, I'm excited already. Yeah. And then that's that energy I need. And that's that energy I need.

right there. Look at me. I'm so excited. And I'm doing the road. I'm doing, I got some, some dates around the country this year that I'm excited to go do. Where's your website?

It's Ryan Sickler.com. Go there, go subscribe to my YouTube. That's where I'm going to start putting a lot more stand-up. I'm going to start putting some more exclusive content there and really build that channel up. I'm out in Phoenix.

You're going to tell you. March 24. first of March 20s. You know, my date's better than me. What do you think you're dealing with Joy Banana? I got, uh, let's see here. March 19th. I think I'm the, are you, yeah, when do you go?

You fly out when I fly out. Yeah, March 19th to the 21st. I'm in Phoenix. I'm at the La Jolla comedy store March 26th. I'm at the rec room in Huntington Beach. You ever done that? Yes. Dude, I love that spot.

I love it. And then I'm up in Vancouver, April 23rd through the 25th. No dates in April. I do you meant August. No, no, no. People come in October 8th. Yeah, they're going to remember.

And then... 18 joints, they got their feet up. That's all they need to know right now. Vancouver, Phoenix, La Jolla, Huntington Beach. Simone and I'll be doing another monthly at the store in April. If you'd like to come on, you're always welcome. Good for you, man. You're putting it together.

I'm keeping it going. And all of this is is just staying busy. That's all it is. Until the next fastball comes down to fucking land. That's all it really is. You got to stay in the game. People just can't understand. Listen, it's eight spots a week.

You got to do this, you got to do that. You got to do your two podcasts. And sometimes it seems boring. Get ready. It gets even worse. But if you put in this work, eventually a fastball comes down the pipe. Somebody sees you on the stage. They want to use you for this.

They got to make you for this. You know, good ideas. You got to pay people a little money. You got to get involved, you know. Go get finance and do something. Call some Chinese people telling me. Nothing going on in China. I'm making videos.

You know what I'm saying? Send me 5,000 and you're in. The Ying Ying Corporation sponsors, Lee Syed dancing with a ball in his head. It don't matter. As long as they're paying the freight and you're at home shooting videos. You know, who knows where we're going to go

with this disease and these strange times? Me, I hope this thing just dies and we move on with Americans. Yeah, that's it. But it's two. We're too surrounded with it. And that's it. Me, I'm going to keep taking showers, lifting my little weights, drinking my tart cherry juice, two ounces.

Lufing your asshole. Lufing my asshole. Sleep in my asshole. You know, I take care of my sleep. That's a big part. That's the other thing right there. Especially as comedians. We don't get.

People have no idea that that's the master one. That's the one. Sleep is the one. I'm going eventually. You got to do sit in front of it. They say you can never catch up on it. You know what I mean? Like once you've,

missed it. It's not like I'll sleep 10 tomorrow. No, it's you've already done the damage. And once your body misses it, you catch up and you sleep deep. I don't even wake up in the middle of night to pee no more. I got this new THC drink by Kikomo. That's what they're called. Yeah. H.O. T's called sleep. It does what it says. But it's only three milligrams of THC. The rest is CBN. I don't even wake up and I got the tablets for the road. Oh Sleep right through that corona. I hate them in Vegas.

I experimented with them in Vegas. When I woke up, I couldn't even fucking set the coffee machine. For real? I had a call room service. I was still fucked up the next morning. To hear you say that. I had to call room service. This crop machine just ain't doing it.

You got to send up a pile of coffee four cups and a lot of sweeteners. Oh, man. The blue package is always a pleasure. Thank you, brother. Excuse me for that. Thank you for always having. That's a burp that smells like a vitamin. That's all I've had today is a protein shake.

You believe that? No. Me being a fat fuck, that's all. Protein shaking an apple. Who the fuck lives off that? But I'm going to go home and blast it with protein. Do some jumping up and down. That's it.

Always a pleasure to have you. I love you, brother. Thank you. For real. All I got going on is March 27th and Santa Barbara at the Arlington Theater tickets are still available. And 420 at the motherfucking comedy store for 17 and at the Reno and 418 in Portland somewhere. I don't know.

I'll let you go next week. And now for a word from our sponsors, the church is brought to you by stamps.com. Listen, all you need is a computer to print postage 24-7. Any letter or any size package going anywhere in the world You can do it right from your couch You're like how, Joey? Stamps.com Because time is money, baby Stop wasting time going to the post office

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I want to thank my man, Ryan Sick. I want to thank the Christ killer. But most importantly, I want to thank you for listening, for supporting us, and always having our back. We got some weird conversations. Who gives a fuck? Where are you going to hear this type of shit? Nowhere.

Anyway, I love you, motherfuckers. Have a great weekend. Stay safe. Don't let people breathe on you. Don't go somewhere where they eat bat milk or whatever the fuck. I don't give a... Well, the restaurant is so great. It's a fusion.

I listen, mind your business. All those fusion places are creepy people. They like to travel. They were in Singapore earlier this year, and they brought it back with them. Their fucking carriers. Why take the chance? In this case, you're not Columbus.

Mind your business. Stay at home. Jerk off. You don't know nothing. Listen to podcast. Have a great week, a great weekend, and we'll come back next week and have a good time all over again.

I love you, cocksuckers. Take it. Get it. Kick this fucking meal.