The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #769 - Joey Diaz on What Happens When Your Plans Change

Episode Date: March 16, 2020

Joey Diaz talks about how you have to be able to adapt. The Corona virus has made the next couple of months hard for a lot of people. Save your money, take care of yourselves, and be smart. We will come out of this stronger than ever! This podcast is brought to you by: ZipRecruiter - post your job to 200+ job sites with a single click for free at www.ziprecruiter.com/church   Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH at checkout for a 10% discount on your first order.

Greetings from Podcastville. The church of what's happened now is brought to you by ZipRecruiter. Listen, hiring used to be hard. Multiple job sites, stacks of resumes, confusing review process. But today, hiring can be easy. And you can only have one place to get it done. Are you ready for this? ZipRecruiter.com slash church.

ZipRecruiter is so effective that four out of five employers who post on ZipRecruiter get a quality candidate within the first day. Where are you going to get that? Listen, it's all about saving time. And right now, you can get ZipRecruiter for free. What are you talking about, Joey? It's Monday. Listen, for free.

All you got to do is go to ZipRecruiter.com slash church, and they'll let you try out ZipRecruiter.com, the smartest way to hire. Right now, like I said, ZipRecruiter for free. The church family can go to ZipRecruiter right now. So the SIP recruiter, the smartest way to hire. The church is also brought to you by, On It, listen. I went on there yesterday.

They got tons of Shroom Tech immune left. If I was you, I don't know what you're sitting there listening to me for. Why are you listening to me? Dialup on it.com and get Shroom Tech immune. Right now. Today, no games. Pressing code church and get 10% off delivered right to your crib with no drama. Listen, you got to stay healthy.

It's Monday the 16th of March. For starters, I'm very sorry about Nyack on Thursday night. I'm very sorry I had to cancel. But listen, I'm the last guy that wants to get anybody. I don't go take people down dark streets. I don't. If I go down a dark street, I go by myself. I've been like that for 57 years.

You know, the thing is a new Rochelle. It's growing like a pimple. and you know it's 10 minutes from there from niac i'm not there was no way first of all i was supposed to go back to shoot a movie right i was going to go back and i was supposed to shoot today and tomorrow so a lot of the podcast you've been listening to have been pre-recorded because i thought i was going to be gone for 10 days but what happened was ah my knee had been hurting for like the last six months my knees been hurting. Everything hurts. I'm getting old. But I called my doctor, my knee doctor, Dr. Nicola, and I went down there, they did x-rays, they did an MRI, and I have my arthritis and my knees is

really bad. So he said the right one was worse than the left one. So he's going to shoot me in the right one first with this novacisisk. It's like a gel that goes in between your knee and it and the foams in there to loosen, you know, to lighten up the pain of arthritis. But he ordered two shots, but he said he was only going to give me one because sometimes you get an allergic reaction to it. Oh, shit.

Look at my leg. It's still bruised. And that was a week ago yesterday. So when Tuesday morning, when I woke up and my leg, he told me he's only going to give you one in case you got an allergic reaction to it. Right. So I go down there Monday.

He shoots me in the knee. I don't pass out. My wife drives me back. It's a good day. And I don't think we did anything Monday. I think I just relaxed because I didn't know. I didn't want to put anybody in a bad position if I made plans. And I didn't know if I was going to pass out.

So I got home. But Tuesday morning when I woke up, my knee was swollen. And I didn't even know it. I got up and went to boxing. I boxed for an hour. I went there and the drills and the whole thing. And after class, that's when the teacher said, you know, your knees bruised, right?

And I go, no. And I looked at it, and the whole side of it was purple over the band-aid. I still had left the bag. I forgot I even got the shot on Tuesday morning. I don't know what that was wrong with me. And I got home. I called the doctor, and he goes, it's going to swell up. And right away, he goes, just put ice on it and don't fly for a couple days.

I'm like, oh, no. But by Monday, after I listened to the Rogan podcast, that was the best podcast he ever did in his life. And just the fact that he called me afterwards and explained to me that he was having the same doubts I was having. Because listen, I got a GED, man. I'm not a genius, but I knew last Monday that New York was going to be bad. I mean, I spent three weeks in New York in May,

and that had been the first time I had spent quality time in the city in 25 years, so I didn't know what the city was about. And me and my wife were having a conversation two days ago, and I remember my second week on the set of the Sopranos. I had Tuesday off. I had just returned from 420. I went to Milwaukee, and I was smoking those vapors. Okay.

Pens, for some reason, I got vapors to go to New York, and I had a headache. So that Monday, I still remember I was across the street from the garden, and during the day they had like a little thing, thing on the side of the street in the garden. It's like food trucks. You could buy your food in this building and go outside. They got tremendous steak sandwiches.

They got everything in there. It's like a little lunch place. Then you go outside and sit on the side of the garden. There's a street. And there was a beautiful day. It was April 22nd. You know, whatever it was. And I'm sitting there. I'm like, man, I'm talking to my wife.

And my wife remembered the conversation. And I go, you know what, man? There's a lot of people. walk in these streets. You know, what if? And she goes, what do you mean? I can't imagine my Godzilla attacking or somebody dropping a bomb here. We had this conversation.

Yeah. So when I saw the map Tuesday and I soon saw New Rochelle had already been contaminated and whatnot, I'm like, this is easy to pull the plug. Well, the scariest thing for me about that Rogan podcast was everyone saying, oh, wash your hands, wash your hands. and the thing is transmitted through your breath, through your mouth.

So there's no way you can wash your hands all day. It doesn't mean anything. You know what, man? But I'd rather be safe than sorry. Oh, yeah. I don't touch my unit unless I wash my hands. I'm one of those guys. Even without this?

Like normally? Even without this. I don't touch my unit unless I wash my hands. Whether I'm in an airport, I've been doing this for years. You don't want to put your unit in somebody's mouth. and they got germs. I've been vigilant about this since day one. You know, it doesn't take a genius.

You know, I went to Atlanta on the 24th, and I saw the invasion of Asians at the airport. I have nothing against them. I'm not saying nothing wrong. And then I went to Vegas on the 29th of February. Vegas was at 14% this weekend. Vegas is shutting down today. Casino is shut down today.

Airlines will probably shut down tomorrow. That's it. But when I woke up Wednesday, I called her Tuesday night and told them the truth because I wasn't supposed to shoot until Monday. There was no reason for me to be lurking around the city on the ferries or whatnot. There was no reason for me.

Right. And once I saw my knee swollen, I just called them up and I said, listen, I'm not coming in today. I'm coming in Saturday. So I switched it. By Saturday, we would know. I knew for a fact.

They called me back and said they were going to fly me in Sunday with John Burtall. We were going to fly in, shoot the movie, and fly back on Tuesday night after the movie. There was going to be no wasted time. But I knew Thursday that this wasn't happening. They were already starting to shut TV shows. They were starting to shut a bunch of stuff. And then Friday I got the call in the afternoon that they pulled down production. That's it.

That's what I was wondering. I was wondering if they're keeping like, because they never canceled post when I was working in post ever. So I wonder if they're shutting that stuff down. Well, post, you work by yourself. Yeah, but still. Right? You're by yourself. You're fine.

Post is fine. They don't want you to be in a big circle. I mean, listen, an office is an office. Every office is filthy. There's nothing you could do about that. even our little office there's tons of germs in here just from us that's why i came in here last week like two nights i wiped everything down we brought extra wipes me and mercy came in one night we wiped everything down we sprayed we sprayed the couches you know i knew last week i knew last week that this is not

you know am i scared no i'm not scared but i'm prepared i'm 57 you guys have been hearing me for years You guys make fun of my of my fucking emphysema. You guys know I have like mild. I have the beginnings of emphysema from smoking since I'm 12. So I fit right in that age group. I'm not doing it. I'm not doing it. I know I'm not getting on a plane.

You know, and right now what people do not realize is that every day we shut down, people are going to hurt. You all here Did you see what happened on JetBlue? Oh yeah This is why This is why Because it's not what you do

It's what other people do around you So before that happens Just shut it down Yeah I knew March 2nd I wasn't going back to the store When I went to the store On March 2nd

After my Vegas trip Yeah And they told me that Vegas was at 50% That weekend February 29th Vegas was at 50% Wow even though we sold out, thank you very much.

We were at 50% Las Vegas, the whole city of Las Vegas. So when I got back, that was when the scare started getting a little bit more. I could see the airport was dead, you know, and I remember going to that comedy store Tuesday night, and I had two shows. And I remember going into that main room for Sarah Mello's show, and she had 20 people in that green room. and my anxiety shot up. My anxiety shot up. I got out of there, I went to the hallway,

and I stayed there by the door, and I breathed, and I made a mental note not to go back down there until we figured out what this was. Thank God, the comedy store, you know, is their geniuses,

and they said, we're closing it down. We know. We know it. I told them. I said Tuesdays, And Thursdays and Wednesdays is half international audience. It's a death sentence for us. Yeah.

You know, it's an international audience. I have nothing against them. I'm glad they come in support and they come to the comedy store and they see the beauty that I see. But at the same time, we all have to protect ourselves. I've had every show except for one next week, all the way to the middle of April has been canceled. Yeah.

There's no reason. There's no reason. I have, you know, Santa Barbara is obviously canceled. I'm very sorry. We will make that up some other time of the year. I'm not worried about it. April, I have Reno and Portland. Portland's already been canceled.

Nobody knows what they're going to do with Reno, but I doubt I'm going to get on a plane. It's over for me. For my age, it's over. So what we'll do is, what I'm going to do is when I come back is lower my ticket prices, back to $25, you know, because when I get back on the road, I'm going to lower them to $25. That's it. We're going to go through a hard time in this country.

We're going to go through whether it's one week, two week, three weeks, four weeks, we're going to suffer. Yeah. The first week that we're open at the store, we're probably going to do benefits for the weight. staff and for the employees. The comedy store, the gentlemen, they're going to pay everybody. But I told the comedy store that our first weekend, and we should just be doing benefits for the waitstaff. Because they got used to a certain lifestyle also.

And there's kids, and they have families also. So that's the first thing we're doing at the store is benefits for the wait, the wait staff and the employees who, you know, a lot of those people live off tips. Yeah. You know? What about, you know, Minimum wage people.

Going to CVS, going to the grocery. Like you said, they're shutting down the grocery store now early. That's a whole shift of people that's gone. It's, uh, I remember when I first moved here and you do that math. We're like, oh, I only have a week left of money. To think about having a month with no work. Like, imagine if you had just moved to L.A. Like, in September after graduating.

Like, it's pretty crazy. I can't imagine. the, you know, just the effects of all this. I just can't imagine it. And my heart goes out to America. My heart goes out to the world. I know what it is to struggle. I know what it is.

You know, so this is what I'm thinking about. Again, I'm very sorry about NIAC, but man, I couldn't live with myself if I saw that somebody got affected during one of my shows or that they went to a show and they all went to an improv that night. And now my name goes out negatively like that because I wanted to make a few fucking dollars. That's not what it's about.

This is not the time to do fucking stand up or to put other people's lives at risk. I will not, I don't, listen, I don't like people breathing on my neck. You see how I get. I don't even like people stand next to me. You go with me to a restaurant? Yeah. You see when they sit in us next to people, I always tell the way to know. Go.

Why are we? The restaurant is empty. And you got me on top of a couple that's nice people. They're going to hear us two guerrillas talking about the language I talk. No, I don't like being around people. That's one thing I've never liked. It's sitting on top of people, sitting next to people. I've always hated that stuff.

So flying, you know, I don't know what's going to happen right now. I'm a big, I almost never cook, but I haven't cooked since last week. I don't trust. I mean, it's hard to trust anybody now. What are you talking about? You don't eat out since last week. Right. I've never cooked, but I have, I've only been cooking since last week.

I don't, I don't trust any of these restaurants. It's not the trust is you'd rather be safe than sorry. You still got to support a couple of these places, just take your food to go like they're doing in Hoboken. The restaurants are staying open. What did they have, I was going to ask you about that. They have a curfew in all of Hoboken down. Yeah, 10-10. They're going to have a curfew everywhere pretty soon.

I think so? Yeah. For a couple weeks, man. For a couple weeks. You got to support, listen, I got to still support Cactus. I still got to support sushi dan some way. You know, those are my restaurants. I still got to support the barbecue place.

I don't go there a lot. You know, I'll try to do privates or something at the gym. Once this dies down, this week it's going to be punching the bag in the backyard and doing kettlebells. Yeah. I'm not going into no gym or anything like that. And the thing that I kept hearing from people was, oh, this happens every four years before an election. It does. It does.

But is something like this happened to you in your lifetime? I can't remember anything like this. I don't remember seeing anything like this in my life. But you know what? Listen, man, you can't get depressed. You can't let it get you down. You know why? Because you can't control this.

Guys, you can't control us. This is beyond your control. So before you get depressed and go into a funk and you can't control. and get scared and whatever. Listen, I'd rather you get a notebook and start writing what you're feeling. Because if you don't think I was going through this last week, the fear I had to go into New York, I cannot tell you.

And it wasn't New York or the state or the people. It was being on those planes. What have I always said for years? You've got to assume they don't do nothing. They don't clean. They don't care. These people do not care anymore. You know, this was a,

I think this was a wake-up call for these people who were getting greedy and acting greedy. I mean, Jesus Christ, you're trying not to, you still want to have a fight, Dana White and in England. You know, it just never ends. You've got to think of people. You've got to think of the guy behind you. You've got to think of the guy in front of you. You've got to think of the guy next to you. I know, how many toilet paper rolls do you need?

That's pretty great. I went to Walgreens there, and I know the girl there. You know, I always go there. I went in there. She goes, this is the first time I saw you buy something other than nicotine gum because I bought like 10 notebooks. You know, I went to Walgreens and bought some stuff. And she goes, you know, I've never seen people's behavior.

It really teaches you what people all about. Yeah. This is the time when you're more human. These are the times when you stop for people more, you know, check on people more. You know, it's going to cost you a couple dollars. It's going to cost me a couple of dollars. It's going to cost me a couple of dollars. It's going to cost everybody a couple of dollars.

I'm prepared, but I don't want none of my friends to go without either. You know, this is going to be a time. This is, it's not a joke, but I don't want you to get down because you can't control this. You cannot control this. You cannot control this. This was way beyond your control. I know you wanted to get married April 4th. I know you wanted to have a big wedding, but it don't look like it.

Because you got grandparents and you got parents and you got parents. and you got people you invited who were over the age of 50 and are susceptible to this. So you can't think about you. I don't care what you were thinking. Oh, well, there was a lady yesterday on the news and they came from New Zealand. And she was like, well, you know, we came all the way here

for an extended weekend. What a waste. Did the poor retarded kid you were with go to Disneyland? Two days? Yeah, that's enough. That's enough. So the kid was complaining because he couldn't go to Disneyland yesterday and today. So you went Thursday and Friday.

Yeah. That's enough, little kid. Be satisfied. At least you don't have the coronavirus. That calls in Disneyland. Thank God. Thank God. You've been to Disneyland?

Not a while. That's a germ bomb. That's a germ bomb. That's a germ bomb. Listen, I go to New York. This is no joke. This is no not. to make a laugh or anything like this.

This is how susceptible. Like I remember about two years ago, I was having a conversation with mine. They were like, ah, I wish I had the opportunity to smoke with Snoop Dog. And I was like, why do people think, I don't want to smoke with anybody. Like, I've never wanted to smoke with anybody.

I knew when I was 13, that if I would smoke in large circles, I would get sick. When my friends would smoke in large circles, I would have to think about what I was doing. doing, I would get sick. So by the age of 15, I already knew not to smoke in large circles. So when I went out, it would be me of Villo, Loebbs, you know, it'd be like three of us. We'd go through 20 numbers. We'd go through a half of those Z, but it would be three of us.

And once you build the tolerance to each three is you could smoke all the time. But I'm not going to go to Kentucky and smoke with people. That was never going to happen. I made that mistake in the beginning, like in the very beginning when I went out to Utah and stuff, and I got sick, and then it brought me back to what happened to Ralphie, when he got his lungs, he got bronchitis, and I stopped smoking with people a long time ago.

When I go down to the comedy store on Tuesday nights, and I see Gino from Speedweed, and he gives me a number, I don't share it with nobody. Nobody gets that. I smoke by myself. I don't care who gets mad, because I'm the one that gets acceptable to that stuff. Yeah.

That's my bum. You know, that's my bong pretty much. It was mine and yours. You quit smoking. That's my bong. I cleaned that thing out. You got to see the bong in my house. It's spotless tip-top mougouk.

I got to bring this one home and clean it the way I cleaned the one at the house because it has been a while since I cleaned it thorough. But now I'm more cautious than ever. I'm not going to get on a five-and-a-half-hour flight. Not for a while. Not for a while. It makes you think about how much, like, I didn't think about this. And someone mentioned it online when you're getting gas.

I never once wiped that thing down. Oh, yeah. There's just so much that you... I got paper towels for that stuff. Really? You still think about it. Filty people. Right now, when you wear a sweatshirt,

when you go to the store, cover your hand with the sweatshirt. You tell me that, yeah. And then you've got to wash your sweatshirt. So when I go home tonight, this sweatshirt will get washed. This is the way I'm living the next couple weeks. Every day, the sweatshirt.

gets washed. The sweatpants get washed. If I sit on the park bench or something, it gets washed. You know, I've been going to the park over here and just to walk around, just to loosen up, because that's it, you know. I want it to reduce stress. I wanted to, I just been walking around. But now everything gets washed every day. Everything. Every hooded sweatshirt. I change hooded sweatshirts. Every day, I throw them in the hamper until this is over. And this is going to be a crucial week, America. and the world, you know, the one am I saying in America, this is going to be a crucial week. This week and next week are very crucial.

I hope so. I mean, that guy, the Rogan podcast said it was a couple months. Yeah. But these next two weeks are how we control everything. These next two weeks are how we're going to be able to stop this, you know? And I know the laugh factory is still open and the ice house still open. Good for them as far as I'm concerned. Like I told Joe Rogan, I'm starting from scratch.

I'm done. I'm done. Yeah? Done. Done. I just went, like I told you, I bought 10 new notebooks because I'm starting from scratch. This is just a great time to write. And if you keep that muscle active, we'll be fine.

Hopefully this week we'll come down here one night and do a little stand-up comedy. And that'll be fun. And get the party started. And that's it. That's basically it, you know. It's funny. It's just, you have to be cautious. Like, do you have friends back home who still have to work every day?

Yeah. Like your UPS buddy? Yeah. What are they saying? I haven't talked to my buddy from Federal Express. You know, I've spoken to George. I've spoken to Timmy. You know, Timmy's a truck driver.

So they're by themselves. somebody loads the truck for them they pull up get out and somebody else the truck okay thank you so that's good he doesn't lose any money I know and speaking of which with with especially with planes down thank God for all the truck drivers with all the grocery stores empty right now like if that got shut down can you imagine thank God for what we do have just be thankful for what you do have stop complaining and like I said this is something that's beyond your control. This doesn't reflect on you.

You know, if you got to stay in for a week and eat TV dinner, so be it. This doesn't reflect on you right now. This is what they're calling for, is to have the least amount of contact with people. I've been trying to, I haven't been puffing that much. No, you haven't been going to the wheat store? No, no. I don't you say it a little louder, don't mean? That's why I said puff, because she's here.

No, I haven't. I haven't been puffing that much. Do they, is it all contained? Do they have to touch it there or no? I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know what they're doing.

Crazy. And it affects everything. I got, I got so much stuff at the house. I don't need to go anywhere. I'm good to go. I'm good to go. Well, at least you're prepared. You have to be.

This is it. You have to be. but I haven't been puffing as much. I've been eating edibles. I've been down in the edibles throughout the daytime to calm me down a little bit, and that's all you can do. You know, I'd rather be up than down.

I didn't want to go down, and for a while there last week I was starting to go down, and I could feel myself, and I caught myself like Thursday, and I said, no. Like I said, I had a really weird incident, the night of the UFC fight. Right.

with Chang and Joanna and Romero and the other one. My anxiety level was so high that night that I had to force myself to go out to watch the fight at a friend's house. What was the anxiety about? Fear. Like you just saw all this coming? I just felt something that I hadn't felt since I was a kid. You know, when I came from Cuba, it was 1966.

And from the time I went to like first grade, kindergarten, second grade, there was always talk of the Russians detachians. Yeah. So we had a thing called a fallout shelter in this country. You had one of those? Every building had one. Wow. You had fallout shelters. When you walked into a building, it actually had the sign that had like a circle with a nuclear thing going through it and it had fallout shelter.

Wow. And they had like tang. rice that you added water to, bottled water. You know, this is like way before, like tanks or water. I don't know if it was bottled water, but tanks or water. And I remember that fear it instilled in me. Like, I still remember getting, like, immunized and all that stuff. And I'm telling you to prevent you from getting this and prevent you from getting that.

All that came back. Like, all that fear from being a kid. And it just, just, you know, listen, you know, I'm the type of guy. I'm scared of everything as it is. I live in fear. So for a couple days there, it had me. Friday, once I realized I didn't have to go to New York.

And I knew I could control my output. I was happy. I'm very happy. We went to the park. She's not allowed to touch the metal. So like I said, I'm going to different parks just to walk and get vitamin D because your immune system is. the most important thing right now.

So vitamin C, vitamin D, breathing, getting those lungs healthy, that's the most important thing on my mind right now. And that's what everybody should be thinking about. You know, like, when I talked to my friend who was a cop in Hoboken, he was like, it was like people were out, like nothing was going on.

And I don't expect you to become a hermit. I don't expect people to change their lives drastically, but you got to try a little bit. I'm mad because there's no same Paddy Day parade. Grow up. Grow up. There was a girl yesterday from my hometown that was putting up on Saturday. She was putting up all the parties she was going to.

And I wish I could grab this girl by the neck and say to her, you couldn't be this retarded. Like her and her husband dumped her for a younger girl. So she's trying to prove, now she's my age. She's trying to prove that she still has. something and she's i mean i just look at her facebook to feel sorry for because you can't be this embarrassing she went to every dump bar in jersey like i went to high school with her and she was putting up flyers like since wednesday come to club sensation with dj viny in like in like radiation park new jersey you know and like oh is that written the name of park

No, no. It's like radio. You got, you got the, you know, New Jersey's where cancer was invented out by the Metal Anseid caucus. Okay. Munaki, all that stuff. And now you're going to add COVID to it. And I'm going to go spend it with DJ Vinny at some bar. Are you crazy? I'm surprised you didn't call bomb threats to these places. Oh, my God. I was so frustrated. And everywhere she went, she put a video up. And the places were dead. Oh, yeah. The places were dead. And she's like pushed it. Like, look at us, having a good time. And she showed her. her girlfriend who was a mortadale. Like I wouldn't even have stepped out of the house with the girl she was with. Between her and the girl, they could stop bird shit in midair.

That's how ugly they both are. They were just both sitting there. And all these young guys around, like, nobody's going to hit on you. Go home. Go home. What are you doing at this bar in Hackensack, New Jersey? With a bunch of guys listening to ACD, see, I shook me all night long. Oh, my God,

it was the most embarrassing thing. They should all, and not one of those 19 people wanted to live. You can tell. they had death on their mind. You can tell they're out there drinking and hugging each other. I'm like, you people don't want to live. I could tell because you cannot be in a bar like that.

I could not believe that yesterday. She went to not one bar. She put up six videos. I saw them last night. I called my wife in the office. I go, this is a chick that'll be dead in 10 days. Look at it. And you'll be happy about it. Oh, more. Oh, I'm going to be jumping up and down. I'm the first one to send the roses because you can't be this done.

Like I can see going out for a purpose, like if you got a purpose, but you're going to dive bars that are filthy. In Northern Jersey, those bars are filthy. Filty. We're like movie theaters. I don't trust those either. No, listen, there's nowhere to go.

We went to the movies last week. We went to see Onward. Oh, yeah? And we wiped everything down. We sat by the door there. We were by ourselves. There was only 11 people in the movie theater. But I was thinking about going to Arklight last night.

I'm like, no. I was going to go see the movie about basketball. I don't know what that is. With the guy from the town. What's your boy from Boston? Bad Affleck's a new movie. And I was like, what am I retarded? I'm going to go there and breathe on myself.

No, no, it's okay. Two weeks. Two weeks. Got to take off completely two weeks. I go to I'm not going into a restaurant. I'm ordering. I'm opening up the door. I'm putting the door stop on it so there's oxygen

because that's the most important thing is air. Like that's why I said go to cactus because it's outside. Smart. You know, and I'll drive there. If I see too many people, I'll drive right past. I've done that 8,000 times. I don't, I'll stop there when it's dead. When it's completely dead, I have not gone to cryotherapy since Wednesday.

Is he going to survive in that cold? Who? through virus. I don't know what it does, but why check it out? Again, why find out? I don't know what it does and what it doesn't do. Do I look like Johnny's scientist to you? No.

So mind your business. You want to get reconditioned drink milk. You know, drink a protein shake. That's it. There's no cryotherapy. There's nothing that we get to the bottom of this. We should probably be next week. Hopefully.

And I'm pretty excited. Yeah. I'm looking. You can look at this two ways. You can look at this from a negative standpoint and get yourself sick about it, or you can look at it from a positive standpoint and see a future for yourself and see that, yeah, it's going to be rough financially, but you're still going to be alive. And that's what this is all about, is you existing and being a human being.

So that's fine. It's going to be rough. But if you do the right steps right now, it'll make it easier later. Plus, there's a lot to do if I have to do my taxes. There's a lot of stuff I've been needed. Taxes got extended. Really? Yeah.

Nice. Taxes got. Don't tell me that. I'm going to procrastinate again now. Yeah. Taxes got extended. A lot of things got extended. They're trying to work.

I just don't want the American public to think they're going to get a check in the mail for five grand. That's not going to happen. No. Nobody's that good. So relax. Hold on to your money. You know, we get refunds. whatever you bought that you don't want.

Like my tickets, get rid of them. Get rid of them. Get your money back. Get your money back right now. I'm telling you, get your $30 back right now. Because I ain't coming anywhere. Get your money now. Like May, April, get your money back.

Don't even waste your time. I'm trying to be honest with you. I got three dates in April. They're at the store. I'll honor those. If I got to get on a plane, It doesn't look like you're going to see me. I'm just telling you that right now.

Five and a half hours to Florida in May. I don't see it. Get your money back now. I don't see it. I don't see it. I was very excited about going to Austin and San Antonio until I saw DFW Airport last night. And I could tell Austin, get your money back.

Get your money back because it's not happening. At least I'm honest. I just love the perspective. From an established comic, and I knew it like me, I don't want to cancel. I didn't want to cancel a bar show. And you're looking at the airline, you're like, it doesn't look good. I'm not going on it. I'm not going.

Listen, L.A.X and Kennedy are both germ bombs. You know, tomorrow, when they announce how many TSA agents got this and they closed the airports, that's a different level. that means if you're thinking about Uber and you better get a bicycle you better listen the only people who are going to make money right now are going to be Chinese people with the rickshaws you know like people who pull you it's a perfect job for you start your business listen if you're going to start a rickshaw business

tomorrow's that day get that mask and just get a rickshaw run up and down your street for a few days practice get those legs in shape because listen that's the Uber rickshaw that's new, that's the new setting. $7 gets you to the moon. You know what I'm saying? Just keep running, man. Just keep running, dog.

It's all over the shot. That's the new setting. You'll see it tomorrow on Uber. Uber. What is it called again? The Uber rickshaw. Habib is showing up in 2.3 minutes to pick you up. You look up the corny, see Abib running down the street with Sandals on.

dying man I did not know you lived up healing yeah well him down it'll be easier just let me hop up there and let's get this party started

wait till they have Uber horse that's coming out any day now they just drop a horse in front of your house I was like that that's perfect Uber pony

Uber horse Uber tank wait for like 1299 you get a tank per minute it. Uber tank. Uber horse and Uber Rickshaw. Right now, if you're thinking about starting a new business and you want to get

in shape all you crossfitters, there you go. No more CrossFit. You can spend your time picking me and Lee up. What do you call that, Rickshaw and us around town? I'll tip you heavy. I'm heavy with the tip. I want to see you make Laurel Canyon when you got to go up and down that hill. Just make one Laurel Canyon with me and I'll pay you whatever you want. But that's it. That's the futures right now. Rickshaw, rent out your horse, whatever. And you'll see it. Yeah.

You'll see it. People start getting smart, though. Somebody's only got a car with like a little hitch. A U-Ha hitch in the back and you can sit back there. You can breathe and get sun. Well, they're already doing it. Have you seen the Uber drivers have, like, they put up panels in their cars so they can sit there and not have, like,

and not have, like, the people breathe on them? Oh my God. That's terrible. Yeah. Smart. So glass like the cat is doing? No, it's not glass. It's like plastic wrap.

Oh, forget it. You're getting the COVID. You might as well go to drive yourself. You might as well Uber yourself to the hospital right now. That's shielding. They're going to do nothing to protect nobody. But yeah, that's it. It's going to be horseback, Rick Shaw, and tank, Uber tank.

I would love to see you on horseback. I think it would work for you. Listen, I don't. need to go anywhere that desperately. You understand me? My Subaru works great and it'll get me there. I filled it up just in case. Yeah, I'm going to do the same.

Fill your car up. These are just little things you could do. You know, it's funny. People are, well, what's going to happen with the Netflix festival? Not that Netflix is shooting. Netflix is the only thing that's people going to really watch a lot of Netflix. But there's no Netflix festival now. Oh, you think so?

They can't do it? It's a month away. You know, people have been hitting me up. Why is your name on the list? Netflix sucked. No, Netflix offered me a show. The problem is I had to do, I'm doing a show already at the Wultern in November. So I didn't want to do two shows at the Wilturn and then fuck myself.

People were hitting me up for like three days. I got tickets for Burt. How come you're not on Netflix? No, Netflix is a great company. Netflix gave me a great opportunity. You know, anybody who put me on their stage gave me a great opportunity. I'm not mad at Netflix and not like that.

That's why I didn't take the festival. I didn't take the festival because I already had a date at the Woolchurn Theater. The festival came out of nowhere. It's L.A. And to me, there's a comedy festival every night at the comedy store. Yeah.

So why would I sign up for a comedy festival? I got nothing again. Netflix. I just thought that I think I had one of the dates already booked and I just I'm doing the will turn by myself the day before Thanksgiving. Why would I worry about that? You know, so I got no ill regard to NIFlex or whatever. I don't know why people are saying that shit to me. I just figured no. And I, you know, it's so weird how When I shot Degeneres, I was very excited. I was very happy.

It wasn't until I was coming home that I realized it was what I didn't want to do. It's so weird when you become a comic, like when you become an artist or whatever, you have to, at anything in life, you have to decide, once you decide you're going to do it, what things you will and what things you won't do. that's the when I moved to LA and people were telling me about TV and I always knew

I wasn't going to do Letterman I always knew I wasn't going to do Leno I always knew I wasn't going to do a tonight show I always knew I wasn't going to do Kimmel I accepted that I always accepted the Doug Stanhope rock I liked that he played the underground comic

I liked that it felt that's why when we started doing the podcast I wanted, I emphasized so much on listening because I wanted people to listen to the podcast. They were listening to something dirty. Like the government didn't let them listen. It was like listening to rock music in Cuba in 79. Right.

It just wasn't allowed, you know. And it was so weird that after I did degenerates on the plane ride, I went through all these emotions for a few weeks. And I was angry. I was mad. I was happy. I was sad. And that's why I tell people, you don't know what you're going. got, you know, you don't, you better be careful what you wish for because it just might happen.

When I wished for a Netflix special, I didn't, I wasn't specific. Yeah, that's a big one. So when they contact me and said they wanted me to be a part of something, I said yes, off the bat. And once I got there, you know, I was like, why are we shooting in a pool hall when we have 2000 stages in Vegas. There was just so many little things that worked against me. You know, I felt like Netflix,

I just ate a bag of shit on this special. So till this day, I'll say that. And I just moved forward. I came up with a different plan. And this plan is working for me more than the plan before. So once I did that and I realized I didn't want to have a beep be put in that position again. That's it.

I don't want to be put in that position again. I rather just do my spots at the comedy store. All these things I do, when I stick to them, they work out for me, you know? And it's like I tell people, when you make a decision and you stick to it, eventually, that thing will work out for you. But you have to stick to that decision. Once you go away from that, all the houses are cards for, and you got to start all over again. You know, years ago, I used to get mad.

Oh, nobody ever puts me in movies. Stop doing these holiday movies. When I stopped saying no to them, nobody called me ever again for them, and I booked a standalone movie, and I booked a couple other movies. Why? Because I stopped doing those.

You decide what you're not and gonna do, and it'll make your life that much easier down the line later on, you know? And that's why I didn't do the festival. I have nothing against Netflix. I think Netflix is a great company. They gave,

a ton of my friends, a platform. You know, so when you get into something like comedy or art or when you become a plumber, you decide somewhere along the line whether you want to be a residential plumber, a commercial plumber, a new construction plumber. You know, do you want to rip these walls down and find rats in there?

Okay, so then you want to do a new construction. You know what I'm saying? Well, you don't have to find rats. You know, when I was an electrician in Colorado, I did new construction, and I loved it. You know, very once in a while, you have to go into cross spaces. Oh. That's where everything is.

With electricity, you have to go through a cross space. And you can figure it on cross space? Then I could. Okay. Then I could. Now is a different story. I don't think it claustrophobic. I'll never forget working as an electrician for one day in Hoboken.

For eight bucks an hour, I broke down. Why? One day. I was getting, I think, 15. when I started in Aspen as an apprentice and when I went to Hoboken, New Jersey in 83, I figured I'd do electricity while I was there and I went to one company and they hired me in Hoboken

and it was like when you gutter, when you gut these little brownstones and I'll never forget the guy going, all right, you go downstairs, we shut the power and me hearing like snakes and lizards and rats and crocodiles under there. I was like, I've got to go for lunch. The guy goes, where are you going?

I got to go get a soda. I got something in my throat, bro. I walked up to that thing, and I got on that number 22 bus. I think that's the bus that takes you the Hoboken from Union City to number 22. I think that's it. And I got out of that 22,

and I never went to Hoboken again, though. I forget that. I got a job of electrical supply warehouse. I'm not doing this no more. I'm not. I knew that wasn't for me, you know? I just you just you have to decide what you're going to do with what you got you know and the same thing goes to stand up people think it's better to want them to have sometimes

you know you got to be careful what you want what you wish for because it just might come true but you have to be specific yeah it sounds sort of like like the resistance thing that we've talked about with that book how if you don't stick to your guns Like stuff will come up that seems good, but it's really getting in the way? Is that, is that? It's a law diminishing. It's like a dear, dear friend of mine once told me something. He goes, man, I've been around a lot of people.

And you're the only person I know that when you say no, you mean no. Like it's, you have to stick to your guns in life. You know, it's really weird. When you stick to something, that's it. This is what I'm doing. This is how I'm doing it. And I'm going to do it like this until it breaks or until it's proven to me that this doesn't work. That's how we do everything in this life, all of us.

You know, when we find when we're spinning our wheels, we go we're spinning our wheels, you know. At least for me, that's how it's always worked. I've always caught on while I'm spinning my wheels like, ah, something's not right here. You know, with stand-up, I'm like anybody else. When I got into stand-up, I did anything that was thrown at me. I never said no to anything, anything. For the first, until 2004, 2000, yeah. 2005 was when I started saying no to things.

Because I had to. It was too much. I was getting taken advantage of. I just wanted to be a good guy and get on the stay. I never cared about anything else, but what was in front of me being funny. I never cared about wearing the hat to be cool or bringing the drink up on stage to be cool or sipping from my straw to be cool

or bringing a beer on. That never, you don't need none of that. Your job is to be funny. That's it. Everybody, you know, what am I going to come up to? What song am I going to come out to? This ain't a dance. This is stand-up comedy.

But somewhere along the line, you forget and then you get back on course, you know? And that's it. That's what I personally think about that. But no, I have nothing against Netflix. I just knew what I wanted to do, and I knew what I didn't want to do. And now who knows what's going to happen

with this whole Corona vid thing, whatever the hell, you know? Like I said, I just want you people to, I appreciate everything you've done for me over the years. listening to the podcast, supporting the show, you know, laughing at my stupid jokes on Twitter, whatever. I wanted to stay that way. I really care about you guys, man. And the reason I do this podcast is to let you know you got this.

Whatever people tell you, society tells you, whatever, you got this. I don't care what I mean, you got this. You know how I know? Because society told me a bunch of things I couldn't do. And guess what? I did them, even though they told me I couldn't do them. You got this. So, you know, stay vigilant these next couple weeks, keep your eyes open.

And just play it by ear. And don't get down. Getting down ain't going to help nobody. You know, you got credit cards to use them. Not for stupid stuff. Not for stupid stuff. You know, the credit card companies are going to give you a break on payments now and stuff like that.

Use everything that's allowed to you, you know? And that's stuff you can do work online. There's a lot of places that you can do, like, if you're, like, look at Fiverr. Fiverr has a bunch of stuff. You can do writing stuff, edit stuff. If you're an artist, you can sell your people still need stuff done. So there's a lot of ways. What's F-B-R-R?

F-I-V-E-R. It's like anytime I have any artwork that I need done, it starts at five bucks, but it goes, You can say your own prices, and people do hundreds of things. They edit writing. They do video stuff. It's amazing. It's from all over the world. So you have to sometimes check, see if they're from India or whatever.

But even though I've done like 10 things to them. I love it. And you can make some money that way. You can do these surveys and make a little bit of money. They have online surveys you could do. It's not great, but. Listen, man, even if you just. getting an hamburger from Wendy's.

You know, for years, I lived on the double-double menu, you know, the Woppa, not the Wapah, the Wendy's Junior Bacon Cheeseburger. Junior Bacon cheeseburger, I'd take off the bacon. I think of a good bacon there. And I have a cup of chili and I eat a salad. That was my thing at Wendy's, so don't let this get you down,

hang in there. And that's basically it, man. We covered it off. It's a beautiful Monday, and all I can tell you is it's going to be a beautiful fucking day to be alive. But only you could ruin it or make it worse or you could make it better. Stay in, mind your business, listen to podcast, grab your notebook, do push-ups, you're in prison. You're in prison. That's it.

You always want to be a badass and go to prison. You're in prison. That's what this is all about now. You do your push-ups, you do your sit-ups, you drink a lot of water. give this a time to think. Think about your future. I looked at the downside of this at first, and then I looked at the bright side of this.

This is great. This is great. If you take care of yourself, look out for your loved ones, and just, you don't know that there's going to be an out-to-this. The most important thing is you not getting whatever's going around. That's the most important thing about this. whole next two weeks.

So please, just mind your business. You don't, you know, yesterday I wrote, because that's what people are going to do. Did I tell you, I have the corona, and I caught it at, get the hell out of my face. I don't even want to talk to you right now. You know, save on time, save on energy. When you go to the supermarket,

they say face masks don't work. I don't know if they work or they don't. But I'd rather be safe than sorry. Did those guys wear face masks on Saturday during the fight companion? or they just took a picture with them. I didn't see that. I didn't watch the fight companion, so I didn't know what they were doing.

How about gloves? I have gloves in the car. What kind of gloves? It starts with an end. They were all out of the other ones, but I have just a box of gloves. Like plastic gloves? Yeah, like you have like doctors

and food prep people, stuff like that just in case. Yeah, that's smart. These are all smart things, Lee. You know, I want you to be around, man. And like I said, refund tickets, do whatever you can. That's a funny. I'm telling you.

I'm telling you the truth. Get your money back. You know, the improvs are closed or April 1st. So I know what you can do with the improvs. But for right now, get your money back. And not just from me, from all these stiffs. Get your money back. You know, that's it.

We want our money back. We don't know what's going to happen. I don't want nobody breathing on my neck because I want to see some guy jump up and down on stage. Like an asshole. Watch Netflix. That's why you got Netflix for. watching on Netflix, put YouTube on,

there's no way you need to go. Save your money, you know. If you got Motley crew tickets and all that, get a refund. That's $400. You don't know what's going to happen there. You don't want to be in no arena. Getting breathed on by some ex-COVID.

Because what are they going to call these people? Once they get the COVID, what do you put on them? Do you put like a bug on their head or something? Like I had the vid, whatever. So you don't know who you're dealing with. Let's go into a dark path. I don't know if we can start putting signs of people.

Sure. You got to put like a tattoo on their forehead like Ash Wednesday. I had the COVID. Just to let you know, man. Can you imagine walking into a concert? And this guy just got out of the hospital bed, but he's too stupid to go through the debunk period. So he wants to go see ZZ Top. So he's jumping next year with COVID germs in July.

And you're like, oh, this is great. Poison. And next thing, you know, you're going to go home. and you're gonna have point no no we gotta put COVID on their forehead something to let us know they had the vid you know what I'm saying something just don't running him over I'm telling you not you can't run them over I'm just saying what are you telling me if you saw one you wouldn't at least like scare him a little bit more like a COVID person like walking like the yeah listen these people it's not like they're like a walking dead that would be great

if they're like walking dead because you can hit them with the car and get them with the car and get away with it but no I'm not talking about nobody with a car that leap with those words in my mouth if you have the COVID I feel bad for you but don't talk to me but if you're an ex-COVID stay to yourself stay in your own corner all right put a little tattoo on your head we got to put something on them to identify these COVID motherfuckers who had it because I don't want to be bumping into them I don't want to be shaking hands if you had the vid that things are going to live in you If you had the vid, it's going to live in you for like a year, and I don't want no part of it. So don't be touching my chopsticks.

Don't do nothing. Don't do nothing. I'm so sorry about this, ladies and gentlemen. Like we said, we all have our breaking points. Oh, I can't wait for like two weeks to do what this podcast is going to be like. Listen, but think about it. Anyway, don't think about none. Don't worry about nothing.

your refund. Have a great Monday. Uncle Joey loves you. We'll be back Wednesday with a fun one. This one is really going to get you on Wednesday. So make sure he listen to this one. It's my man Sam Trippley dropping knowledge. As of right now, I got no dates. Okay, it's over. I got April 20th at the store, 420, and that's it. That's all I'm doing right now. So don't even worry about nothing. The tour, I don't know what's going to happen with the tour. we're going to wait on that to see how many people drop dead and that's it

that's all I can tell you right now I hope I didn't offend nobody I'm just trying to be as honest as I can as usual the church what's happening now is brought to you by audit listen what kind of company does this

they got that best product alpha brain okay if you don't like alpha brain or if it don't work for you they'll give you your money back and they don't want the product back that's how much they believe in a product

who does that in today's world nobody that's why i'm that's why i do business with a company like on it go to onit dot com right now start with shroom tech immune if you haven't gotten shroom tech immune yet shame on you i can't wait for your eyeball to pop out do go get that shroom tech immune today alpha brain the protein get your systems are going while lee corpse again for the third week in a row with his light bronchitis corona that he got on himself somewhere. I wonder where he got it from. But anyway, go to honor.com right now and press in church

and get 10% off your order. Start with Shroom Tech Immune. The church is also brought to you by ZipRecruiter. Listen, hiring used to be hard. Multiple job sites, stacks of resumes, a confusing review process, background checks. Knock it off. Today, hiring can be easy, and only you have to go to one place to get it done.

You ready? Grab a pen. ZipRecruiter.com slash church. Listen, zip recruiter sends your job to over 100 of the web's leading job sites, but they don't stop there. With their powerful matching technology, ZipRecruiter scans thousands of resumes to find people with the right experience and invites them to apply to your job. You can even add screening questions to your job list, so you could filter out candidates and focus on the best ones like,

did you have COVID-19? You could even have that on there. You can't have that on there. Anyway, do me a favor. Go to ZipRecruiter is so effective that four out of five employees who post on ZipRecruiter get a quality candidate within the first day. And right now, to try ZipRecruiter for free, the church family can go to ZipRecruiter.com

slash church. Again, that's ziprecruiter.com slash church. ZipRecruiter.com slash church for free. ZipRecruiter, the smartest way to hire. I want to thank on it. I want to thank ZipRecruiter. But most importantly, I want to thank you guys. May God bless you and look over you over this trying time. And we'll be back Wednesday to rock your world.

Stay black. Have a great Monday. Don't let times get you down. I will be doing a gas mask comedy this week one day. We'll figure it out and we'll surprise you. All right. Stay black. Stay healthy.

And have a great Monday.