The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #770 - Sam Tripoli

Episode Date: March 18, 2020

Sam Tripoli, a stand up comedian and host of the, "Tin Foil Hat" and "Punch Drunk," podcasts, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio. This podcast is brought to you by: ZipRecruiter - post your job to 200+ job sites with a single click for free at www.ziprecruiter.com/church   CBD Lion - For all of your CBD needs, from shatter to gummies, go to www.CBDLion.com and use code CHURCH for 20% off.     

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That's ZipRecruiter.com slash church. Kick this meal. The church wants to welcome Sam Tripoli. honor and a privilege to be back in the saddle brother i love you very much i love both you guys very much thank you so much for having me on dude the love is in the air yeah it is we got the lice-all can yeah so dude somebody said if you read these uh ingredients man you could find coronavirus in there do you know that did you like on the on the lysol it's dude i'm telling you i know you i know you're gonna think i'm a crazy person brother i don't know there's way more to this than anybody

even understands. And I think it's way deeper than just everybody. I mean, I'm being honest with you, man. I think there's another play at work. And that's my opinion. What is the other play? I think that the Chinese government and neol liberals are trying to tank the U.S. economy so that they can get rid of Donald Trump out of office. And that there's just a lot of stuff about this that doesn't make any sense. And it's just some weird stuff. And they're trying to get everybody to stop going to work, stop. I mean, like, You know, they're always saying like, oh, Wall Street, dude, are the economy's in trouble? Wall Street? Yeah, because they stop production in China.

And that's what they're trying to do because Trump's been in this trade war with China right now. And China's pissed. They're not happy about it. Like Trump is trying to move all the industry over the India. India and China don't get along. So there's this whole thing that's going on. And I'm telling you, dude, it's not that the coronavirus doesn't exist. Nobody's saying that.

It exists. It's just a little bit stronger than the common cold. That's my honest opinion. been studying this stuff and that's what I'm telling you. But that's a different podcast. I don't want to get too weird and weird people out, but that's God honest truth, man. Here's the funny thing. Your conspiracy theory, I am not a conspiracy theorist, but I saw something, and I repeated

this on this podcast, that I saw something with my own eyes. I'm not crazy, Sam. You're not, brother. I'm not crazy. I got problems. I got problems like everybody else, but I'm not. crazy. I'm a little high alert than most people.

You know, I'm a little more PTSD. You are, dude. You are. I am high alert and I like drama and stuff like that, but I'm not crazy. This was first, this first got, the first case that we got diagnosed with

was January 18th. I had to travel to 24th. And for some particular reason, I even I asked myself that Sunday when I was coming back from Atlanta, I said to myself, is this me? Or they're more Asians than usual today at the airport? Like that Friday, when I left, there was a lot of Asians.

Yeah. But that Sunday in Atlanta, when I was coming to L.A., it was like watching a movie, tripping on acid. Everybody seemed Asian. I'm not putting anybody down. I'm not making no racist remarks. Let's tell you what I saw. I remember coming back going, boy, that was a heavy Asian plane, you know. Where was it from?

Atlanta. Interesting. Well, that's a hub. Okay. So, whatever it is, it just seemed like an overwhelming amount of Asians to everybody else who was traveling. And I get back and they're talking about this thing. and then it blows up. You know, I'm like everybody else.

There was mosquitoes. Remember two years ago, mosquitoes were going to kill you. And then Ebola was going to kill you and all. Every election. We're all like, this is the type of people, you know,

we're used to it. But this was something that it seemed like, it's like when somebody puts a, well, you'll put you, you, you'll bomb your apartment. Yeah.

You'll bomb your apartment. And you come back and you go like, oh, okay, no roaches, no roaches, him two days later, the guy next door knocks on your door and he goes, is it me? Or have you seen an unusual amount of roaches late? And you're like, oh, shit, the roaches went into his apartment. You know what I'm saying? Like, yeah. Oh, my God, by me putting that bomb out, the guy next door, and Nelson laid next door knocks on your door two days later. She goes, it me? Or am I seeing more roaches

letting? You know, I'm roach freak. You know, I ain't got a bug in here. There's one. He's laying on a Not upside down. His legs are moving. That's it. Yeah. I saw that. And I came back and I'm not, you know, I'm not doing drugs. I'm not drinking.

I mean, I take an edible, whatever. I fly, but I saw a lot more than what I thought. So in my world, if I ever was to hear this, I could actually raise my hand and say, I'd be honestly, the week of the 25th, there was an unusual high amount of Asians traveling that weekend. Like trying to get out, maybe. knew something that we didn't know. They were walking with their headlock down fast, rolling those fucking car, those fucking things.

And I was like, okay. And now I'm seeing all this shit, the cancellations, you know, South by Southwest. Who the fuck would have thought, you know? And this is like, this is going to be all a march. Dude, it's going to be interesting how long this goes. It's going to be all of March. And I told you, I went to the comedy store to do Sarah Mello's shit. show. Again, no

reasonable idea. We've both been regulars for 20 fucking years. Yeah. Pass the kitchen. As soon as I walked into the main room, I smelt it. My fucking spider senses got up. I made that turn into the main room.

It was heavy. Down the hallway, heavy. Behind the stage, it was heavy. When I opened up the green room, there was too many people in the fucking green room. That were a green room. and I walked out. I was like,

fuck this place. I sat behind the, by the corner where the door is. Yeah. But where you could go on. I sat there the rest of the night. I went out and I ran out of that main room. And it's like people are not respecting it enough.

Well, that's a big thing I have to do with my show now. There's too many people hanging out. And like, I'm very much into like, I'm very like when I first moved here, man, like I remember being at this one comedy club. And I'm not going to say the name of the comics of the managers, but they were all sitting there, and I could tell that the value of my opinion

was totally weighed by what my IMDB credit was, you know? So I've always been very, very, like, cautious on how, like, how I treat younger comics. I always want to show them respect, because, you know, you never know where they're going to go. And I remember I was them when I was like, sure, I was going to be this really big name comic and, like, I felt like I was getting disrespect. So I always show love, man, because at the end of the day, there are people with a dream, man, and people don't realize you're laying a lot of shit on the line to come out here. And sometimes you don't realize till it's too late, and it's almost too late to start something else.

So you're kind of trying to figure out what to do next. So I always show people up. But the point is, is that it's gotten too busy back there. I have to let the comics who are going in the show chill and not, you know, because everybody wants, because the comedy store dog is like nothing you've ever seen before. There's no other place in the world. Like, you can't go to the Viper Room or the whiskey and hang out with Tool, right? Or hang out with Led Zeppelin or hang out with any big...

The comedy store? The fucking savages are everywhere. All your heroes are just walking down the hall. So it's a very unique place. And so... But sometimes people, you know, they don't have any of that social etiquette and they're not self-aware. And they're just running the back. And, you know, it's like, oh, I want to talk to Rogar.

I want to talk to Diaz as well, it's like, they're working, dude. You know, you got to give them their space to get working. So I totally understand what you were talking about. I have for my show personally, comedy chaos, I'm going to start really shutting down who can go backstage so the comics can have a moment of peace. Well, no, no, I wasn't mad about that. I was just saying that there was a lot of people back there. There was a lot of people back there. And with this virus.

Yeah. You know, nobody fucking knows. There's no ventilation in that back room. It's old school. It's old school. It's not a window back there. So if you go back there, you're breathing, whatever else is breathing.

Yep. All right. And if this is a six-foot distance, so I just played it for what it was. Listen, I'm not fucking, I don't think I'm going to die. I don't think I'm going to fucking die from it or whatever. I just want you to be cautious

and making great fucking decisions. I just saw a thing on Facebook. Did you see it about the strip club in Vegas? No. fucking just like hand sanitizing. They went out and bought hundreds of thousands of sanitizing money. You can't touch the chick now. You can't?

You have to. How funny is that, dude? You believe this? During the epidemic, people are still getting lap dances and they're like parrelling their hands and shit. You know, there's no... I don't want a lab dance. I want you to sit on my face. Yeah.

I got to put around my face. What a lap dancing? What am I 10? What am I 14? You're going to sit in my face? I'm not going to have a beer. It's so weird. thing, dude. It's just,

bro, this is going to shut down a lot of stuff. For sure, you know. They put something out that NBA gamers might have to be played with no audience. And LeBron said he didn't want to play without a crowd, but they might just have no crowds there.

It's interesting. NBA's shadiest shit, though. They got that, they're all in that Chinese money and shit. That affected their ratings, dude. Yeah, that was crazy. That affected their ratings, dude. They got shut out China for a wow that affected their ratings man when lebron was like hey man mind your business you don't know

what's going on over there we're like what you're the guy that's telling us i can't breathe and every social thing you're putting your fucking your nose into and all of a sudden you're like leave the chinese alone dude there's a million muslims in concentration camps in china and nobody gives a fuck right it's so weird dude china's shady as shit why that muslims in concentration dude they got they just like locked them down, dude. They're on lockdown, dude. They put them in these camps, man, these internment camps, man. It's really sad and it's really scary, dude. And nobody's saying anything, because it's Muslims. And people are like,

oh, it's like, dude, they're people, man. It's like they got locked. Dude, something's going on. Listen, man, you know, a lot of this coronavirus hit in places where there were like riots going on, Hong Kong, you know, this part of Italy that's right next to France where all these people were all rioting, right? nobody's riding anymore Hong Kong's been shut down and then they got on top of that Google's help created Chinese social

credit scores which is basically dude they calculate what kind of human being you are and if your credit's too low you can't get on flights you can't get on buses you can't do all this stuff now they're like now they're getting you dude you get in your house and they're locking people down it's like really

it's like scary shit dude it's like some purge stuff going on over there and that's why I think China's to play a game with us, dude. They don't like that Trump's trying to, like, even tariffs. I didn't even know there was that kind of tariffs, man, but not to get too serious, but I think there's a lot more to this. When Bill Gates is like Babe Ruth calling out his epidemics, like, you know, 600 million people dead or six million people dead, and he's pointing it. He's been talking about it forever. He just happens to own the virus. Do you know that?

You know Bill Gates has the patent on the coronavirus? How do you have a patent on a virus? He owns the patent on it. it. So basically the patent is that if anybody comes up that you get a percentage of the vaccine, but he owns it. And the guy who's been talking about a fucking epidemic coming, dude, is the guy who happens just own? Now, dude, you ready to get weird, dude? Hit me. If you take the actual name of the virus, it's not coronavirus, it's something else. And you do the Hebrew translation of that word? Do you know what that word is? Kobe.

Now, here's where it gets weird, dude. Kobe's buddy in this, like, Lighthouse or Lifeguard company he owns, is also on the board of the three companies that own basically the patent on this drug, on this vaccine. It's crazy, dude. Have you ever heard of Jamontria? No. Okay, dude, this is like old Hebrew. It's basically where.

the Hebrew. Have you heard of Jamantria? No. You've never heard of it? It's basically based on Hebrew math and numbers with words. Words equal numbers. The letters have a number associated with. Dude, with Kobe's whole thing, there's so much involved with that, dude.

So a couple weeks ago, you had a guy in the podcast. Bishop Larry Gators. What was he saying? Broke it down, dude, that this was basically an assassination. Now, here's the crazy thing. On Google, the day that the moment the word got out

if you went and put in Kobe Bryant it would say his death date and say it wouldn't say day of death it would say day of assassination and if you Google that you could see it. It said day of assassination and basically according to this guy they took out Kobe because Kobe was suing three

pharmaceutical companies that were putting out a black mamba pharmaceutical but they were putting opiates in it to get people hooked up and he had found out about it and he had said he was suing them to stop it and there's all these he was supposed to go to court that week the week he was the week he died he was supposed to go to court and the deal with this stuff so you know in uh if you look at all this like occult stuff the number 33 is a

very big number right have you heard that 33 where'd he die calabasas you know a district that is 33 it's the 33 district in the United States. And there's all those numbers, dude. When they announced it on ESPN that Kobe had died, you look at the, dude, this is weird shit, man. If you want me stop, tell me, but, because,

and please, dude, I'll talk to you about this. Your comment section's going to be like, I'm the biggest asshole. Please don't hate me. No, no, no, no. I love all this stuff. I love that. You took the time. You know, somebody took the time to research this stuff, so I know what the hell's going on. Dude, it's crazy.

If you look at like, so when ESPN announces that the death of Kobe, it's during the Pro Bowl game. And if you look at the score of the game, if you break down Jamantria, it equals Kobe dead. It's crazy stuff, dude. And everything's 24. So the night before Kobe dies, he's in Philadelphia. LeBron James is passing him on the all-time scoring list, dude.

On the court, do you know what it was on the court? it's a very famous Philadelphia thing, but on the court was a snake and a snake was chopped up, okay? And it's basically a symbol. And the symbol means join or die. And that was on the court when he was there, dude. And it's all this crazy stuff.

Now, have you heard of the bullets? No. Okay, the bullets. So you know, you have the skull and bones. That's a very secret society. The Ivy League schools were started by all the old opium families. All the families who were who were running opium started the 13 Ivy League schools. So this one, the Russell started the skull and bones. Tell me when to stop if I'm boring you.

No, you're not boring. Okay. They start to skull and bones. Okay. And they basically did this to create a so they could give money to get heads up on elite children. Anyways, blacks can't join the skull and bones. They're not allowed to join. So they started another group called the bouleys. And the bouleys are the black secret societies do. And these, their whole, their whole saying is protect the table. They can't have a sea at the table. Their job is to protect the table. Okay. And it's all of these super elite African Americans are all part of this boule. Okay. LeBron James's chest, if you look at it, the tattoo, is the boule symbol, which is a black fraternity symbol, which is crazy because he didn't go to college.

So it's like he's got a giant boule symbol on his chest. He's part of the whole secret. And that's why I'm either convinced he wasn't at Kobe's thing or he was hiding. It's like some weird. You see pictures of LeBron at Kobe's thing. It looks like Bigfoot pictures. You're like, I've seen clearer pictures of Bigfoot running through the forest. And I've seen LeBron at Kobe's memorial.

but it's all real stuff, dude. It's some real stuff. He got off. And then, dude, he was into some dark art shit. Like, if you ever look at Kobe Bryant's workout, you ever hear of the famous workout? You know what it's called the 666 workout. Okay? If you look at his children's book, that didn't come out.

But if you look at the children book, it's a picture of a tree with a tree below it, which is an old cult saying, as above, so below. All that stuff, dude. A lot of, he's, his mamba symbol is a snake eating it. tale very occultic dude huge occult stuff now are you ready he had this lifeboat or life house company jeff styebel who is super shady was his partner do you know who was on the board of that that whole thing Jeffrey Epstein how many fucking things is Jeffrey Epstein a part of it dude all right I'm done no no how many things keep going I don't care I love all this

yeah dude super occult man now if you You look when Kobe died, dude, during cultic holidays, it was a holiday of sacrifice. During the dates, it's like the, January 26th. Yeah, yeah, yeah, it was during that month of sacrifice, in particular, a virgin. It's crazy. Why was Kobe allowed to fly that day when nobody else was allowed? His, his, his, his, his, his, his pilot was super skilled. All the biggest names used his pilot.

Why was he allowed when? all the PLAPD helicopters were grounded. Everything was grounded, except for Kobe Bryant's, his helicopter. They were grounded because of the fog. That's what they were. When I came in that morning,

I remember going, wow, this is a lot of fog. And I came in at 9.30. By the time I got home, it had just been mentioned on Twitter, and I couldn't find it on Yahoo yet. And something came in. That's exactly when I got home. I got home at 1015 or something like that.

Yeah. It was like a quick, me and Simone got back. We got in the car and boom, we came home. That's it. There was no drama. There was nobody at the airport. The inventor of the helicopter that Okobia was in is an old Freemason occultic. It's all, everything lines up.

It's super crazy and super sad because I do think they off them because he was suing the pharmaceutical companies for millions of dollars because he found out they were putting open. opiates in their in their medication to get people hooked do you ever worry about them coming after you I'm dude I'm so low on the totem pole there's people I know that do way crazier stuff that that and maybe they will someday I don't know

I'm a dick joke comic dude I'm a late night dick joke comic who has had a certain a little bit of success but I'm far from on the blip of everything but I just find it interesting I'm not trying to change anything i just love to hear about it dude and all the craziest but just doesn't even stop there if you look at cobi's uh if you look at the mamba logo which is the which is basically bathment dude it also looks like a a helicopter tailspin pointing down it's crazy it's crazy dude it's all there man it never fucking ends it never ends but but when you see it the listen nobody's trying to change anything

I just don't like getting lied to and I just love to watch it and call it out in real time and if listen, if I was wrong all the time like how many times have you started something you're like, I ain't good at this. I ain't good doing no more. You quit, right?

If I was wrong most of the time or a quarter of the time or half the time, I wouldn't be doing this. I wouldn't be talking about this. I'm just, I'm hitting at a clip that's insanity, dude. I just, I call out all this stuff

because you study their patterns. And it all makes sense. I'm telling you, I don't even think Jeffrey Epstein's dead, dude. I don't think he's dead. I think he's somewhere chilling in the Bahamas somewhere. Dude, they just activated his bank account. You see that? His bank account just got activated.

And the bank was like, who activated this bank account? Somebody activated the bank account. There's just a whole bunch of stuff that doesn't even make any sense. You know, you asked, well, I was Eddie a couple weeks ago. we had them on. I mean, you know, I've been locked up, you know, and I know when people check on you, I know the suicide watch of the wing,

the fucking rat watch, don't they have a, they have, they call, where the rats go with some, protect PC, protect the custody wing. And then you have the med wing, well,

they check you all the time when you're in a fucking jail. Every hour, and then after a certain amount, there's gaps. after midnight or something, there's two-hour gaps. Maybe the guy misses a gap here and there, but not like that night. Nothing like that night, whatever. Nothing like that.

That's just too much. And that jail was kinky as fuck anyway. They just found a loaded gun in one of the cells. And that's what they tell you. That's the shit that somebody decided. They tell you they found one gun, they really found eight. Yeah. You know, that's what they tell you.

You got to, bro, when you listen to this shit, shit you have to assume if they found one they found eight and a pound of heroin and you know there's everything in that it's for a reason he's reading an article last week two weeks ago in new york times everybody wants every inmate wants to go to sing sing sing sing is the maximum security prison an hour outside of manhattan i went there tons of times on visitation i used to go visit somebody there on visitation and it was like Like, you could just, they sit at tables like this. There was no glass.

It was just a long table. And we would talk, and I remember talking to him one time. And fucking, whenever you know, whenever you hand the kid over, that kid's got a pound the heroin out. Yeah, right? They take the kid and they're like, yeah, sit on my lap. And they're taking the heroin out of his pocket and putting it into their pocket. You pay the guard a small 50.

He lets you go through with the heroin. And boom, it goes out into the fucking people don't realize. Yeah, dude. When you're in prison and you see somebody handing off a kid to a prisoner, that kid's got a gun on him. He's just making the chance. Kid mules. Kid mules.

So when you're like this, we're talking. So you're his father. I'm his brother. And we're talking to him. And all of a sudden I brought your son. Oh. Yeah. Come here.

Come here. Come see. Boom. And then the guard will finally come over and go we come out to touch the kids. He already took the heroin out of his pocket. Yeah. Come on. Come on back over here with the fucking coronavirus.

And you're back with your uncle and he's shaking you. Good job. And you know, like he did good. Shut up. And he took it out of my pocket. Shut up. Don't worry about it. How about the other?

Like there's groups of female officers who are just basically on Hoat Patrol, dude. They make like bang to bang these like powerful inmates. crazy, dude. There's so much shit that goes on in the prison. An American wouldn't... A guy like Lee wouldn't believe.

Like, you just wouldn't believe what goes on inside a prison. No, it's tough. I wouldn't. You don't want to believe that the government's doing this to you. It's crazy. You can't believe that it's so negligent. You can't believe.

believe that it goes on, you know, the reason when I was reading this article about Sing Sing is they were saying that if you go to prison, the percentage of you, the percentage of recidivism is 45%, 45 fucking percent. But if you get college educated, it's 4%. If you get some type of college education, it drops to 4%. How can it drop 40%? So Sing Sing has a college, has courses there. So all these inmates want to transfer this sense. It's really an hour outside the city. That's why they're going to transfer it because it's heat. It makes it easier for your relatives to come visit you.

They don't have to go up to all the other prisons up there. There's a town up there. Up there in New York, New York State. Where you grew up. Yeah, Cortland, outside of Cortland. There's cities up there that are just prison cities. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's just a prison.

People on the, like when I was going to shoot that movie for, with Benicia D'Otoe for Showtime. That thing that he did last year. What was that series? He did on Showtime. Benicia D'Ottoe about a prisoner. Oh, yeah, the lady who helped those two dudes get out?

Those two dudes get out. They offered me like four episodes of that show. But it shot right on the Canadian border. So you couldn't even fly into Buffalo. You had to fly into Canada and drive over. It was closer. Like if you drove into Buffalo, it was like an hour drive. Like it's an hour drive to fucking somewhere and nowhere.

So when they told me you have to stand there from August, September 23rd to February 5th. It's not going to happen. Number one, they got no hotels with that. But they got up there, and that's exactly. I bumped into Benicio because Benicio's with CIA. I bumped into his agent one day. And I go, how's Benicia like?

And he goes, he's fucking. Sure. He's the no civilization town. It's a prison town. Yeah? Everything's spaced. So you got a... That prison's shady as shit, too.

Which one? The one where that shit went down. Did you ever see the video where like somebody's doing the news report? And you see somebody pulling up a bucket with the drugs? Yeah. Right there on the news report. Really? Yeah.

Oh, my God. Right. Where was that jail where they escaped from? It's like, I felt like it was. I thought it was near Albany, but I don't think so. I think it's more. All that is up there. There's a town.

I went to, when I lived in Boulder, I lived with a kid. I didn't live with him. We were friends. We sold cars together. And he told me, he goes, I had no options. My options were to do the family business, work at the prisons. My mother works at the prisons. My brothers and sisters, work at the prisons.

My parents, their brothers and sisters, their father worked at the prison. That's it. You work into the prison. Great pay, benefits. He told me once. You're working at the goddamn prison. Yeah, that's it. My cousin's doing that in Nebraska right now.

He did my cousin, who takes Eddie Bravo's jujitsu in Nebraska. Yeah, Omaha. Right? He's working at a prison. He's banging some Muslim chick. I don't know how you find a Muslim chick in Nebraska, but he found her. And he's like, he's like some kind of like counselor now at a prison up there. And he's like trying to be nice everybody.

He's like, how's your day going? They're like, fuck you, man. I'm doing life. What do you? How do you think it's going? Yeah, he's like, he's like playing games with him. He's like, I'm doing great. Thank you for saying something.

Enjoy your lunch. And he just walks off, dude. Yeah, you don't say. I remember like an old time of coming up to me one day going, bro, we don't say good morning around here. We're locked up. I'm like, Jesus. I don't want to be positive. Yeah, dude.

Positive. You know, when I got locked up, up, I was upset for like a week, guys, to be honest. After a week, I was like, this ain't that bad. Can you believe that? I'm telling you this as a man. Somebody did a guide a couple weeks ago about how we would do in jail. We would do what I did, run the joint.

Because when you're funny, you get away with murder. I've thought about it. I've run to whatever it's called, Solitaire. I think I could do solitary fine Why? Dude, dude, you want to live in a box? It's like small. It's like, dude, it's a box, bro. Let me tell you something. When I got locked up, it wasn't that bad. I could sit here and lie to you and tell you the first two weeks were hell

because it was the last two weeks of August with no air and I was on the third floor. And you don't stop sweating. Oh, I'm sure, dude. You just don't stop sweating when I went to, but you also have to remember. that I made it through the system in less than a month, that was unheard of. That was unheard of. Like, you had to sit in the system. Like, when I got sentenced, they told me that day, they're like, listen, you better get comfortable in Boulder,

because you're not going to see Canyon City until October, maybe November, maybe December, Well, that backed up. But I didn't care because county jail is two for one. So it's two days for one. So remember, I got four years, right? Yeah. So it was simple math. Like, I had no time because I got four years.

There was a new law. House Bill 1200 passed. If it's a non-offender, non-violent crime, first offense, sentence gets cut in half. So it went from 24. from 48 to 24, right? Oh. I did a month.

I had two weeks in county. That's a month. Yeah. So I had 23 months left, and you're eligible for a halfway house at 18 months. And you get put in a halfway house at the 16-month level.

Once you're 18 months, you're eligible for half the house. You're just to wake up away from going, pack up your stuff. Get out. Like, your girlfriend is on the way to visit you on a four-hour drive and they'll tap you on the shoulder

and go get your stuff, you're leaving it or not. When you're like, what about my girlfriend? Who cares? Well, that's, because I used to love like those lock-up shows, all that stuff. It's crazy to me, like, you were at least living in Colorado, but let's say you went on vacation

or to do a show in Denver and did something. You could just end up in jail somewhere where you have nothing, like nothing. It's crazy. Just end up in jail. I spent one night in jail. I bought drugs of a hooker because I had gotten sober and like I was itching and I was like fuck I need drugs

dude and nobody has drugs except I didn't know anybody with drugs this is in Vegas this is here in LA way back when I was just running and gunning and I didn't know anybody that had drugs because like every time you get sober you're like dude I'm gonna get rid of all the drug dealers names that no drug dealers in my phone and then you're like fuck man I got I got a couple days off I got nowhere to be man I gotta get weird right and I'd be like where so I'd be like who's got drugs I see this hooker I'm like okay man

hookers know where drugs are dude and so like she's like yeah yeah I'll get you some drugs let me get you some drugs I'm like I'm not even sure this is a chick to be honest with you but I didn't even care at this point you know it's you know she got a wig on walks like a chick talks like a chick got to be a chick right

This is Hollywood The whole stroll you know And I see her and she's like yeah look let's do it so we go I pull and she runs in she grabs my shit uh 40 bucks I got 40 bucks worth and as soon as I pull up I'm like oh man life is over dude I am done man so they pull me over I'm like oh man I'm done done I'm never gonna go to Canada I'm just going through all the stuff so so they get me out they handcuffed me I'm like great in Hollywood where I live eight three blocks of me I'm like I'm fuck man

and he's like, where's the drug? I'm like, I don't know. And he reaches in, he pulls out and dude, I've basically gotten ran by this, by this chick or whatever it was. For 40 bucks, I got like nothing, right? And I was like, I didn't care at that point because I just wanted to run and gun, right? Running gun. So he's like, he pulls it out.

He's like, where's the rest of it? I go, man, that's it. And like, I made a mistake. I shouldn't even, you know, new rules, anybody listening. If you haven't been to jail, never admit to anything. They're not your friends, man. They're not your friends. You don't know.

What is this? I don't know, dude. Where'd you get this? Don't know what you're talking about. Don't know. I didn't know that, right? I don't know nobody. So I end up, so he's like, he pulls out.

He goes, where's the rest? If I go, that's it. He goes, where's the rest? I go, that's it. He goes, how much did you pay for this? And I go, 40? And he looked at it. He started laughing.

And then the chick who just jacked me started laughing. Everyone was laughing because I basically gotten taken for the 40 that I paid. for like the nothing, the nothing of drugs I had bought, right? So then I go to jail, and it's my only night I ever stayed in jail. L.A. County. West Hollywood. Right by Omiba? Yeah. No, no, no, no, no.

Down in Boys Town, man. I don't know why they took me there because it was way down the other way. But they took me to the West Hollywood Sheriff's Jail. Okay. And, dude, I don't know what it is, but dude, if they know it's your first time in jail, they try to run some shit on you, dude, they put this whole. homeless dude in it but in two sex it shits his pants dude they pull him out sent another one in shits his pants dude they're just so i'm trying you know so i don't know what i'm getting charged with

so i like they're doing my and this is the time i had a super like armenian mohawk and it's like i'm like what am i getting charged with he's like felony uh possession i'm like and i just started i'm like oh man i'm never going to travel anywhere to stand up and to this day so uh like i've been doing this Armenian benefit for like 20 years, man. It's the Armenian Bowmail registry, right? And on the board is Garigos, the lawyer. And like, dude, I mean, I'm broke at this time, dude. Like, I got no money, man.

And I'm like, fuck, man. I'm going to call this dude and just see if I can do a hell merry pass. So I call him up. I'm like, hey, he's like, what's up, Sammy? I go, hey, man, I made some bad decisions. and I need some legal thing. And he's like, well, okay, what do you got? How much cash you got?

I'm like, I'm hurt. And he's like, okay, just come down. So he comes down and goes, here, I'm going to charge you $1,500. I'm going to represent you. And they sent me down. And so we're going to this trial, right? Dude, the police, so they do, I forget what it's called, but they basically say they want all the records on the cop that arrest me, right?

Exploration, I don't know what the word is, but they call it. So I said another trial. I show up with my lawyer. And dude, the police union rep shows up and goes, we're not going to give our records on this cop. And we want the charges dropped. And the charges got dropped because this dude was dirty.

So, and dude, and like if I hadn't done this charity event and got a lawyer that knew how to run this game, I would have been effed, man. but I got out of it because I did charity work and I never had to, dude, I never messed with that shit again, dude. But I mean, like, that's the system, man. Poor people get, fuck, dude. Yeah.

Fuck. Dude, that is the worst. When you see those lights go, you're like, oh, man, you're thinking your mom's going to find out. You're like, hey, you get arrested. I'd learned it the hard way. I was, I'm not a cheap person. but nobody wants to pay for a lawyer. Nobody wants to pay for a lawyer.

And I'll never forget getting arrested, getting he, the other guy got arrested first, so he had a private defender. That means you can't have a private defender because it's a conflict of interest. So they had to get me a court-appointed lawyer who was horrible.

He was horrible. He was horrible. but I ran with it. I'm like, maybe, let's see what happens. And my friend, and I had a, I called, everybody told me to call this one guy, I called to him, and he wasn't a friend of mine, but we became friends over time.

And he sat me down. The first thing he said is, you better open your piggy bank. I just thought it put money. That piggy bank has been empty for two years, and now they finally put money in that piggy bank. Like, it broke my heart. Oh, yeah.

Like, I got to open it. And he's like, you got to open it a much. And he goes, well, how much do you want to stay out? How much do you want your freedom? Yeah. You know? So I had to take everything I had. And, you know, I kept the attorney I had until I could find a better one.

But the best thing I did was my friend recommended to meet with a law clerk, the dean of the law school. he goes trust me when i got in trouble run the mind told me to go meet with him he'll simplify it for you and won't conversation i think the guy want like three grand oh man half hour or something oh my man that is cash dude and i was like broken but i go you know what i'm going to cancel it i'm not going to pay him 250 or whatever i'm going to call my mother's attorney in burzum sam deluca this guy was a savage you ready for this Yeah.

I called him. I'm like, same thing you did. Joey Diaz is his son. blah, blah, blah. He goes, all right. He goes, I want 30 just to get on the plane. It was 1987, guys. And this guy just wanted 30 to get on the plane.

30 grand. 30 grand. Oh, my God. Just to get on the plane. So I knew already. I like that. I was like, let me call you back in a five minutes. I was like, 30 grand.

just for a plane ride. What am I going to do about this trial? What am I going to do? Once I went to see the law clerk, a law clerk, told me exactly what to do. The steps, he goes, I would take your case.

But as soon as I walk in there with you, they're going to give you 10 years. He goes, you're in the land. What are you doing when you're in Rome? Do one in Rome. He goes, you bring some fucking Jew attorney in here, slick. They're going to throw the book at you.

They don't want to see a slick Jew in here. They don't want to see like a slick white guy. You got to hire a guy that mirrors them. This guy told me that at the time, they had a law school with Spanish. So he got interested in me, and he's like, you want to go law school? And I'm like, fuck you up.

I'm putting the C.O.P. program. I mean, oh, my God, it was crazy. A felon that Spanish? We'll accept you and all this shit. So he broke it down from me. He goes, this is what he goes, listen, you can pay all the money in the world. You're still going to do 90 days. He goes, there's no judge that's not going to sentence you 90 days.

He goes, I don't care who you walk in there. You're doing at least 90 days. I go, what about work release? He goes, ooh, I don't think so. It goes, that's going to be fucking tight. And I got, he gave me a short list. of guys and I had to meet with all of them and I can't tell you the number my guy wanted

he wanted a piece first up front and then he wanted a back end oh my God I had to give it to him oh my God but this white boy went to work Jack A back end of what? You have to give him up front and a back end

yeah but the back end's like when the movie does want to get points on how much the movie makes no there's no back end is what you're talking about Back end is what you're given. It's what you're given. So it's 10 just to open up the conversation. And I'll let you know when that runs up. Yeah.

Hey, I got run it. I'll let you know when the 10 runs out. And then it was like I was on retainer for a month. So from January or February of 87, till from December of 87, no, from January of 80s. From January of 87 to August, I'm 87, I think I had to give them two grand a month. Something like that, calls, paperwork. And then I got hip to the thing.

Those calls were costing me $200. So I didn't call them. The worst. Did not call them. I would not call them. I could see my bill went down. I'm like, whoof. Because every time I call him, I'd fucking complain about something.

I just saw a bell across the street on here. 250. 250, 250. He threw 50s. But this guy was good. He got the job done for me. He got, hey, man, you pay for what you get. He explained it to me.

Get what you pay for. He told me the steps what he was going to do. Like, I met with him. And then a week later, I met with him again. He turned a sheet of paper around. He handed it to me. He goes, these are the steps. And he hooked me up with a private investigator.

It's a counter. Private investigate. Counter everything. That motherfucker charged me an arm and the leg. That was miserable. Oh. It was miserable. But that.

And then the divorce, don't even get me started. My divorce was easily $200,000. Oh, my God. And 160 that winning credit cards. And half of that I paid and half of that I didn't. I just ripped up the card and said, give me a bad credit score. It was horrible. It was a horrible experience.

Dude, the whole legal system is ridiculous, dude. You're getting involved in the legal system. It's so bad, dude. Now I know how to narrow it down. Like now I got everything ready. Joey Diaz, do you know that I am like 17 and 3 in Traffic Corp, though? Are you? Yeah, dude.

I represent myself all the time. And you beat them? Dude, I beat a red light camera one time, dude. I beat this, dude. I fight tooth and nail. I show up in a suit. I cross-examine the cops, man. I one time, what's it called when you call in a witness?

I subpoenaed my girlfriend one time. I subpoenaed her to come in. And as a witness, I cross-examine. examined her. I set these cops up, dog. I set them up. I get them going one way and then boom, I prove they're liars, dude. And the judges get so pissed, man. They get so pissed, man. One chick was like, okay, sit down. And then she went the whole day with all of her cases. She went the whole day. And then she pulled me up at the end. And she's basically like, dude, I want to find you guilty because you're an asshole. Okay. But I'm going to let you go.

Because in the eyes of justice, you didn't break the law. You did what you had to do. And I cross, dude, this cop state the whole time just mean mugging me, like watching what was going to happen. Because I lit him up, dude. I set him up. I'm like, how's traffic going? I went to the board, which had all the intersections. And I go, explain traffic.

Was it free flown? Wasn't free flown? I took pictures of it. So I caught him lying on that part, dude. Always. The only time I didn't win in a cross-examination was when they, The cop lied. The cops straight up lied.

And I lost. I go, okay, man. Well, you know what? I can't win if you're not going to tell the truth. That's it, dude. 17 and 3. That's a lot of traffic tickets.

Dude, because I used to have a red car and they pull that thing over all the time. Really? Yeah, dude. Red cars get pulled over all the time. But I didn't know if you had a... All the time. Dude, that's why I hear black people complain about cops. I'm like, dude, have you been pulled over 20 times?

Because I have. Dude, I used to do a... joke about I get like a $300 ticket and thank the cops. You ever done that? You get like a $300 a ticket. You're like, thank you. You're like, dude, that's like you think you have to get prison rape, dude. The worst ticket I ever got was September 14th, 2000, three days after 9-11.

Or 2001 was 9-11. Three days after 9-11. You ready for this one? I made a left turn on Curzon. You know what Curzon is? Yeah. 11 right yeah yeah you're not even gonna believe this this could only happen the uncle joey where were you on Santa Monica or i was on i was on i was on i was on how sunset boulevard i mean left on curse on

yeah yeah pulled into the 7-11 yeah yeah pulled in legit the whole thing yeah i'm sitting i'm know exactly what you're talking what happened was a car left is tired like there was four cars yeah so there's three four and this is the hand and this is the hand handicapped spot. So this guy parked here, this guy parked in this lane, this guy parked here, this guy parked here, and my car was on the handicapped spot. Oh, that's the worst. I was standing in front of 7-Eleven, and I saw the cop go by and actually make a U-turn

and pulled in and got out of this car and said, whose car is this? And I go, mine, he goes, I make a license registration. I go, the car's not stolen. He goes, I didn't say that. The worst, too $450 ticket Did handicap Jesus call the cop I'm assuming he was parked in the handicapped spot?

No, no, no, no, no. So I think I did something. I forget what, I did something creepy. I got out of it. I took a picture or something. Like I took pictures. Something happened where I was like, bro, look at the cars.

The parking hands. Handicap parking is still open or something like that. I was with Rand. Yeah. Because we all lived by Curzon. We all live, remember Ralphie May and lived on. So the guy I was with lived in Ralphie's building, and he went over and got a camera and ran back

while the cop was giving me the ticket and took the pictures. And then I took it to court and beat him. Yeah, dude. One time I was driving down, I forget the name of the fucking street. It's got a post office on it. By Hollywood also, there's a 7-11 on that corner. Down the corner was that bar that used to serve the fucking, it doesn't matter. The Sacred Heart School.

Yes. You know what Sacred Heart School is where Pachial goes to church? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Down that block, there's a post office, there's a school. God, there's something else on that block. One day I'm going down that block, and I'm front of my, and I make a left, a right, to go to Gower. I'm going to Gower.

Okay, I make it right, I'm on the fountain, maybe. And as I make the ride on a fountain, when I stop at the stop line, my phone rings. I swear to God, I look down at the phone like this, I'm going to look up. A motorcycle cop comes right across and he goes, pull over. And he gave me a ticket for being on the phone. I go, unbelievable. He goes, I just saw you look at. I looked at it because my friend called, but I didn't pick it up.

He still, he gave me a ticket. That was the worst out of all the tickets because I went down there. I tried to argue it. They said no. But they were like, come here. Listen, fine. But that's not what pissed me off. I had to do like this traffic school.

Yeah. Like one point. And then they took it, they took the point back when my license is clean. What pissed me off the most about this at that time was I didn't have a California license. Do you know that? No. I had a Colorado license. I never decided to switch it.

Okay, I never switched it over. Like, I was like, well, who cares about me? Yeah. Like, I wasn't paying that. No nothing about nothing. I went down there. And when I went down there, they said, okay, Mr. Diaz guilty, blah, blah, blah, blah, whatever shit. They basically told me, listen, we gave you a, that's what I pleaded to,

that not having a ticket, a license. Oh, yeah. So I thought they would say, bring the license. And it gets taken off. They were like, listen, paid $200 to pay $3.25. We don't really give a fuck if you get a license or not. They pretty much told me that.

I was like, take the $3.20. Yeah, dude. I took my driving test. Never see you guys again. No, I came the $3.25. First off, they go, have you been to the call? Yeah, yeah, yeah. First off they go, who speaks Spanish and who does it?

Half the fucking court gets up, and they put you in the other side. Have you been through that? Yeah, dude. People show up in their pajamas. Ham is. It's crazy. Dude, people just like shit for court.

I have been court in New York, Colorado, New Jersey. I've never seen court crazy like California. Dude, Long Beach. Ever been to Long Beach court? Dude, that's shady as shit. Chicks with fucking neck tattoos looking like they're about to shang somebody for child support. It's shady a shit out in Long Beach. Long Beach is the best city.

It's like L.A. adjacent. Like the real people, like a real audience. You play the Long Beach laugh factor. A ton of fun. Man, but that court is shady as shit, dude. Shady as shit. Prison tats, face tats. Up to no good.

Listen, you don't want to be in prison today. No way, dude. Today is not. Today is not a good... When I got locked up was 30 years ago. That's a complete... People were smoking still. You could wear your own clothes inside.

You know, HIV was the big thing. You know, that was the biggest thing. fear inside that. If people want me to tell you that it was like the, it wasn't at all. It wasn't at all, Sam. Like I said, I was unhappy for two weeks because I was, what do you call that? When you get them off powder. Oh, you're, you're, you're, yeah, detoxing.

I was detoxing. I was detoxing in there the first two weeks. I'd never, you know, I've been smoking dope since 78. Yeah. It was 88. Back when it's clean dope, too. It was 88, and I went cold turkey, you know? I had been doing powder since 79, straight. There was never, like, the biggest fear I had about getting locked up was stopping tutelots.

That was the biggest fear I had. As far as physical fear and that stuff, I had no fear at all. Now it's got fentanyl in it, dude. It's got all sorts of. You don't know what you're snorting, dude. Drug dealers have to be the worst business people ever. right? Because they're the only ones who sell their customers crap. It like ruined your business model.

Like they're never going to come back to you, dude. And now this fett and all stuff. So dude, what's really crazy is back in the Obama administration, Obama gave the Long Beach port to China. Just gave it to China. China was running a Long Beach port. And that's where all the shit was coming through, dude. And as much as people hate Donald Trump, one of the good things that he did is he took

that port back. He goes, uh-uh, you ain't run this port no more. This is the American port. We're running the port now. A lot of dark stuff was coming through that Long Beach port. In particular, fentanyl. Fentanyl was like made at MIT. Some Chinese dude grabbed it, took it back to China, and they've been shipping it over here

because that is their counter to the British India opium wars of the long time ago. You know why in China, if you get caught drug dealing, it's the death penalty because of the opium wars. Because back in the day, these British families were just like getting the whole entire population of China hooked on heroin. And then the emperor at one point made it illegal to sell drugs and it was a giant war. And that's it. And dude, I mean, dude, if you knew all the stuff that we did to get opium, man, Vietnam was not about communism. It was about the Golden Triangle, dude. their opium fields.

And that's the same thing Afghanistan was about. The Taliban were burning down the opium fields. And these pharmaceutical companies couldn't have that. So we had to go into war, man. Why did we go into Afghanistan when it was 19 Saudi Arabians? Because we had to take control of those opium fields. And you can see pictures of military people guarding those opium fields. And you could say whatever you want about Trump again.

He's trying to get the hell out of Afghanistan, dude. That is just sucking our money up, man, trying to get out of there. So he makes these deals with the Taliban. Just let us get out. Don't attack us. And when you put that clause in there, of course somebody's going to attack. And it's not probably going to be the Taliban. Why do they want to attack us when they want us gone?

We're saying we're leaving. Why are you attacking us? It's not them. It's people who don't want us to be up. I thought Iran was going to kill us because we killed that dude. You want to hear some crazy shit, dude? there's a belief that Iran and Trump worked together to take out that Solomon because that Solomon was getting too powerful. He's getting too popular and too powerful.

So they set him up and Trump did a favor to Iran by taking that dude out. And that kind of stopped World War III. I'm telling you, man, listen, dude, I am of no party, brother. I'm on the party of humanity. I'm all about people. but there's something Trump is different than the other dudes and I don't know what it is

I'm not saying he's a good guy I think he's a crime boss and it's there's no good guys they're just crime bosses and his crime organization is taking over Washington D.C. and he kicked out this other cabal like the George Bush

Kabul which was George Bush Clintons and the Obama's kick them out and they want back in because they want the purse strings and I think that's really what's going on here Trump isn't Trump I'm not saying Trump's a great guy he does some shady shit man but you know like and tell me if I'm wrong but most crime bosses want a clean neighborhood right They run crime but they want organization they want clean they want business to be done and they don't want anyone to disrupt that that's why I think Trump is And he's going he's banging with this Hillary who's a shady shit motherfucker man

How's this bitch getting like docu series and podcast like she's like a comic dude she's getting all the shit. Like she's doing a pot. Who's got to listen to Hillary Clinton podcast? A lot of people. Dude, and please let me know if you do so I can block you out of my life. A lot of people. More people than will listen to you or me, brother. No, I can't believe that. Trust from what I'm telling you. Trust what I'm telling you. We got Stockholm syndrome in this country. We're living in Mao communism. We don't even see it. We don't even see it. And that's the difference between us and Russia. They know they're under that control. They know they're under it. We act. Last night, I went to, I went to communism.

is important number one with my wife what a couple nights ago I went to communism port number one with my wife Starbucks and I went to Starbucks, went to dinner it was date night I took out the dinner and went to start my let's go get a coffee let's go get a coffee

went and got a coffee and we went in Starbucks and we were dealing with possibly the dumbest person The kids are getting dumb dude the dumbest person I haven't met in my life So he would yell the coffee before he would start making it. So I'm sitting there with my wife waiting with my coffee and he's like, Joey, flat white.

And I get up and I go, where's the coffee? He goes, oh, I'm going to start making a name. Why did you yell my name? You know what I'm saying? Like, my wife looked at me like just, I wasn't even mad. I said something to her. Like, don't even get, don't take it personal. Don't even take it personal because they just, this is Mao communist.

Yeah, they're trying, dude. We're living in mild communism. If you don't know that, you're out of your mind. Between the cameras, the phones, the lines that they make a stand in on purpose, you know, to line. Five hours to vote. When does that ever happen in your life, dude? That's mild communist. That's mild communist.

Yeah. That's why I don't, like when you go to Austin, oh, you have to eat the barbecue. I ain't standing up. line. Yeah, I'm with you, dude. I'm not standing on line. I don't ever do lines. And I'm not paying for me outside of cocaine lines. I never did lines. Me neither. I don't do lines. I don't get it. I mean, I drive down. We got to do a line that ain't going to happen. Yeah, dude. I go to stand line line. The taco can't be that good. You ever walk to drive down like sunset or Hollywood and you see this line out this out this nightclub and it's all these hot chicks and they're wait.

Why are you waiting in line? You're why people are going to the club. You can go hang out Hang out the laundromat. That place will be jumping if there's a bunch of hot chicks in like miniskirt. I don't get. I don't want to get. It's like it's like 12.30 at night. The bar's close. The last calls at 1.30 and you're still waiting in line.

Like, what are you doing? What about the people that wait in line for breakfast at the skill? I'll fight everybody. Skillet across right on, what's the name that I play? The skip. That people still wait online on sunset. Last time I had to go forward. blood test. I drove by

there and that was like 9.30. On a sunset. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Every in and out. Oh, yeah. Every in and out. There's a lot. Where'd Mexican high school kids go before in and out, dude? I mean, dude, it's, I like, I've never seen anything like. How about that hot dog

place, man? It's a great hot dog, but you see people like lying out the door. I don't want to say the name, but it's like the pinks, man. It's a great hot dog. Oh, that's a terrible hot dog. That's the worst hot dog. you'll ever eat in your life. I went there one time in 98 and threw it away. Like the one time I had a Taco Bell commercial for money.

And I took, it was like me and two of my buddies and went down there. And they're white kids. They were from Idaho or some shit. They were eating stuff. I'm like, how can you eat this? Yeah. The bun was terrible. The dog is dry and shit.

The dog is terrible. Everything. I mean, the food. The fries are bad. Everything was bad. Everything was bad. Then when it is good, you walk out. Like, I remember there was a place on Hollywood Boulevard that cooked the hot dogs and beer.

And they had big French fries with this cream. Oh, we. They had, like, bigger fries. You know how L.A. have Chinese fries? Yeah, yeah. They're all McDonald fries. This place had a steak fry, but just a little smaller. And they were cut with a night.

and big and they were fresh. He'd throw them right in in front of you, you know, and cook them, and then he'd give you, like, this little sauce, and you dipped the French fries in while you were eating a hot dog, and they got fresh-squeezed lemonade. Oh. But the combo is $12. I didn't know if I left there to my wife was like,

it's a good hot dog, but we spent $42. Oh, my, dude. It's ridiculous. You're like, you know what? You're making a good point there. We are spent. That's crazy. I could get 20 hot dogs for 20 bucks for 40 bucks.

Like I think there was a place I went to seaside park when time. Last time I was a C-Side Park, there was a guy on the corner that I gave you 10 hot dogs for $20. I bought them all and I ate them all. You stood right there. I kept eating hot dogs. Ten of them. Ten hot dogs for $20. These motherfuckers don't know.

Dude, this town they just did. this town they just make up numbers to see what we'll pay they don't know they don't know so it just doesn't matter at all sammy trips man you've come along with you you're a father now yeah my dad shout out to the mother of the children martha she wanted me say nice things she's like you better say nice things about me i'm like i have nothing but love for you and i appreciate it's a field trip i love it it's a giant change in my life and it's the best blessing ever and when people say that when you don't kids, you hear people say that, you're like, whatever. No, it really is. It has allowed me to change the way I operate. And I work smart, not hard. Now I have to work smart. I mean, I've

always hustled, but now I have to pick and choose where I hustle, how I hustle. And it's a blessing, dude. And we got a nice little house and, you know, the baby's mama, the mother of the child is a wonderful person, Martha. And she's, it's great. Dude, I love my kids. Ghost and Ninja, dude, ghost a ninja. How old are they now? They are one month, two days. And how is it feel to you walking around? I feel like you're walking on.

I'm just floating, dude. Now, there's a couple moments when they're crying and you want to go to sleep. But even then, it's like it's impossible to get mad at them. You know, you're just like, oh, okay, okay, okay. You're just, and you know, there's times I can get no sleep. When people tell you no sleep, it's no sleep, dude, those babies. But now we're starting to enter a nice little pace. They're sleeping in the long.

They're like, dude, like recently I got four hours, man. That's some Terry Shivo shit right there. They all love it, dude. They all love it. They're coming to visit. Yeah, they, you know, they have to get off from work, but they're all coming. My brother's super excited. My brother runs strip bars.

My brother flips strip bars. And he's like, now they have nieces, I kind of don't want to be here anymore. And so he's going to come out. We're very excited. Martha's mom came out. She's wonderful. Stance is wonderful. you know, for every one kid, you have to have an extra adult.

So if you have one kid, you have two adults. If you have two kids, you need three adults. So you've got to have like a rotation, eight-hour shifts, man, just to get done. But they're great. The mom's just pumping milk. She's a milk machine. Milk machine. Got twins.

Sammy, Jesus. What did you do to deserve this? I don't even know, dude, because she doesn't have twins in her family. And I don't have twins in my family. Like I said here, I always know I was going to have girls. Why would God give you and I? Me, you, Rogan. Like, there's a whole bunch of people with girls.

And you have to change. You have to change the way you think. Changed the way you act. As you could tell, look who my boss is. She told me today she was coming here. Like, I'm coming with you. Is she bothering anybody? No, dude.

Your kid is beautiful. Close. And this is what you need to do. I took it to the movies this morning. I took it to see, I took it to ice skating, you know, and it's so weird how I still remember me getting, I could honestly say this, I still remember calling Ralphie and going, what's the story? We're getting high or one. He's like, man, I'm over here with the kids. I have to see you later and be hanging up like, what a fool, you know. And now I feel like I own an apology because it's like, I can't even explain to you. I love when people hit me up, hey! Come to the west side. I got a podcast studio. You're in no danger.

That's an hour. Yeah. Oh, yeah, dude. That's an hour. And then I'm going to be there for 10 minute, 20, and that's another hour and a half. Then I got to drive back. Yeah.

I got till 2.30. Yeah. I got till 2.30. Yeah. So I really can't. That's three hours. If you're in Burbank, Elysian Park is the farthest outgo for a podcast.

You know, maybe Tom Segorra up here. And the other guy. Rogan? No. Kreischer? No, the other guy. Don't he was just here. Sickler.

Sickler. Oh. Sicklers, because they're close by. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I can't go to Marina del Rey for you. I love the Valley, by the way. I was Hollywood forever. I love the Valley.

Are you in the Valley now? Yeah, dude. Valley Village, brother. Okay, so you're going to hop skipping a jump. I love it, man. When I first moved from Hollywood, I told my wife, don't expect me to do anything up here. I remember the first two nights I couldn't sleep

because it was so quiet. It was like completely different to when I was used to the noise and the yelling and screaming in Hollywood all night. I lived right there on Shreda. You know, that's where it was dead. It was crack dead. Yeah. When I moved in there in the corner, they were selling crack. 98?

They were selling crack on all those streets. By the Man's Chinese theater, all you have to do is walk to, that's orange. Yeah. So all you have to do is walk to Selma. Yeah, dude. Selma, if you just walk to. off Hollywood Boulevard by the by the man's Chinese theater walk down a block they'd be three guys they're selling crap I smoke crack with that guy that's silver robot guy I smoke crack for six weeks yeah dude the whole time you smoke crack all your thing is like fuck I'm smoking crack dude I'm smoking crack dude I didn't have a pipe I wouldn't commit it's a worse dude I did not commit it that started because I used to drive on that street and I would see those streets skinny black guys sit out there night. And finally one night I said,

bro, what's up? And he goes, what's up? What's up? What's up? I don't know. What's up? You hold him? What do you got? 20? I took a 20 home with me. I remember like, this is how naive I was to crack. I cut it, and I snorted it. And I'm like, nothing happened. It's not like cheese. And I told my friend the next day.

I went over to that corner. He was, that's not cold. I go, really? So I went over there again the next day and bought some more, and this time went and brought a can home. My mother actually said, what's that? I'm in there. I would have to smoke the Rifa and the crack at the same time. So I smoked crack for about six weeks. Oh, man.

For six weeks, I was hooked, line and sink. I would go home, get a can of Coke, and empty it, dry it out, would blow dry, and then make a little holes in it and use the liner, and I would go downstairs. Cracked out. You know who the crack dealer hates? The meth dealer, dude. Crack dealers hate when you discover meth.

That's what somebody told me. Because I go to these meetings all the time. I hear these stories. They're like, dude, crack killer hates meth dealer, dude. So I did crack until I ran out of it in El Paso. I went to El Paso for a week. And I couldn't get crack. I could only get the real stuff.

Yeah. God. It was everywhere. The real stuff is everywhere. Oh, Paso. But nobody was cracking it up. Now, I know how to crack it up with a microwave of it. I know exactly how it might crack it up.

Oh, really? Yeah, three fingers of water. Coffee cup. Coffee cup, three fingers of water. A gram of powder. And two. What, you just pour the powder right in? Right in.

You pour the bacon soda in first. Two tints of bacon soda. And then a gram of powder. Put in the microwave oven for 20 seconds. Ding. Ding. You take it out. You pour it upside down.

You get a black handkerchief. That's a little rock. Cut it up You take those little rocks, you cut them up, and you take a number. Oh, dude. And you roll it in the number

with dube, or you take that and you put it in your cigarette. You can just put it right outside, and you end up like that black dude that got beat up in New York. Did you see that? Man, what did I do?

What did I do? He kept that. Did you see that video? No. The poor black guy a couple weeks ago got beat up to smoking a number. The cops came, and they asked them what they're going to

And the detective held him. And all of a sudden, Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You see cop cars flying by, and all of a sudden, poor black guy. He didn't do none. Next thing, he had eight cops on top of him. Oh, that dude guy ended up getting beat up? Yeah.

But what did he actually do? Smoked a joint in New York. Unbelievable, man. The cop held him like he was a gangster, like he had killed eight kids. You took the guy killed eight kids. The cops ran up there. Like, where do these cops study? Who raised these cops?

I've had cops in my family, dude. You know, it's just like... Listen, I have cops in my family also. But there's a limit. Yeah, it's common sense, dude. If I'm a cop, and I walk past you and I smoke a pot, I'm gonna keep walking. I'm like the cop in the town.

And when they got out with the machine guns, and the cop was in the construction site, and you've seen him, and he just turned his head. Like, I didn't see nothing. That's me. Just mind your business. Yeah. It's marijuana.

Whether it's legal, it's not legal. Look at your... Look at your job description. See if you have time. Deonte, I was in Hollywood. What else was? Oh, yeah, that was in Joe's Pizza. Yeah, no, I went to Joe's Pizza on the way home from the store.

I love Joe's Pizza. Hey, dude, I was at Joe's Pizza. They showed me a picture of you. You were just there. And then we went in and we got pizza too. This last week? Yeah, dude. Yeah, I got the grandma.

It's the best pizza, dude. Oh, my God, at 12 o'clock when you're leaving the store. I can eat that. Oh, I live, that's my Tuesday. Yeah. That's my Tuesday all day. I get up Tuesday morning and box. I love it, dude.

I'm going to take Croft McGa, brother. Shout out to the Jews, dude. I do that Jew fighting dog. I go to boxing class on Tuesdays. That's why Tuesday's my longest day. It starts at 9, podcast in the afternoon, podcast we heard four, then two shows on a Tuesday. Oh, my, I got to listen to her podcast.

No, I don't put it up. We just keep it on it. We keep it ourselves until she gets that thing. But she's good now. She's really good. Dude, she's gold. Three pages. It's three pages.

Every week it's a different animal. A couple weeks ago, we did an experiment with oxygen. We do a little experiment. Oh, that's so cool, man. I give it 10 bucks a week. She gets 40 a month. She's making money out pocket. That's half, more of them have the people making it.

She has to put 20 in the bank and keep 20. This great, dude. Yesterday she went to the book farm and she bought her own books or whatever. She bought her own books and then she had six bucks left. My wife was like, you want to buy any more books? Like, nope. I work too hard.

Got to save this cash. Yes, you want to buy a book for your teacher? Not really. Fucker. Yeah, they don't, they don't. But it's really weird when you have a child and people don't really get it. And I don't have time.

You know, people would just call me, Like I got, where can't we do lunch? Because it's not possible, dude. We don't do lunch. We do lunch on the move. Because I'm moving. I know I got to go over there. I'll eat over there.

If I have time and I'll remember to call you. But when I'm moving, I don't have time for lunch. Who has time for lunch? I don't have time to meet you in Burbank for a state for lunch. I don't know what time will be hungry. I eat lunch when it's accorded. Yeah. I haven't eaten lunch today.

I eat breakfast. I haven't eaten lunch. today when it's accordingly when you have when you got a chance you know you want to meet me for breakfast and you have an envelope like if there's an envelope yeah I do like this is a plan to make money I'll meet you and then you got to bring some with you can't just leave it at home no shit bring some to the meeting with you and I'll take together my day starts I got from 9 to 2 30 and I got a right night I got to put I got an hour goal in there so somewhere in there I got to write you figure four

days I got to do an hour or something type of workout. I got a cryo. I got to do something. There's not a time. So you, I mean, you're talking writing jokes and stuff like that. You sit down right? Yeah, I go to coffee shop, bring the computer, I have a notebook. So I'm writing the one-man show. I'm looking at the book,

and I'm writing jokes at the same time. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. And then I have a section for jokes, and I clean them out. Clean them out, put this with this. You know, I have two specials. I have two pockets of material right now. And I just borrow jokes from each hour. It's like I have two hours

And I just Yeah Mingled jokes every night I don't have a special You know what am I going to do So I got to put a CD out pretty soon That's no I mean shoot special

Shoot your own special I'm in the mood And for what For what What is the value Of a special Yeah dude I've been thinking about that

What is the value of a special We've kind of gotten into this Arms race thing Yeah We've gotten out of control It's to the point where you can't wait to shoot a special, but you know what? You're not prepared to shoot a special.

Okay? It's like every two years. Two and a half years. This thing that these people are doing, they're doing it, and I wish them well. And I'm happy for them. I might just put out half an hour, dude. I'm going to put out a 20-minute one. Dude, Richard Pryor put out a half an hour.

Half an hour. I love Rogan, but I think he's got a salt like in his arms race because he works at a different level, man. And like my friend, Samarrell, he just put out a special. on Comedy Central. Nobody, he, you know, he couldn't get any offers. Comedy Central put it out for him. A million views. A million people watch it.

God bless that man, dude. But I text, I'm like, congratulations. Like, yeah, I know. I'm just worried about the next one. I'm like, worried about the next? Dude, enjoy this victory, brother. That's what the problem. We have gotten out of whack with comedy.

Dude, it's just his arms race. I got to tell you something, honest to God, I'm happy that this is going on, this pandemonium. I'm sorry that some people have to lose their lives. Yeah. You know, I'm going to have to fly. I can risk it. I'm an older guy.

I have pre-existing conditions. You know, I smoked for the last 30 years. Yeah. 22 bong hits a day. But something needed to stop this thing. Slow it down and joy. Slow it down. Enjoy.

Somewhere we lost what this was all about. Somewhere. We're outlaws. We really did lose. We're outlaws. Dude, if I want to, I got in a comedy so I didn't do nine to five. Nobody told me I was going to have a 24-7. Yeah.

Breathe, brother. I'm done. Like anybody who knows, he knows. I've been done for about six months. I've been just waiting. Just breathe. Breathing. You know, when I tell my age, because my age, don't tell me what I don't want to do.

I tell them what I want to do. You know, I see a purpose for a lot of things, but I don't see a purpose for a lot of things in comedy. We all forgot what we got into this for. It's just gotten, you know. Me, after I shot the Netflix special, it all fucking came to me. Everything Missy Shaw said to me all those nights

and I used to host, all those little things she said to me, it all got clarified. And that's why I've been on that, tear for the last two or two and a half years. I don't listen to nobody. I don't want to know what you do. This was not the way we were doing it when I moved here. Only you're doing it this way. And guess what?

You're making a lot of money. But you're wrong. Because you're forgetting this isn't a fucking race. This is a marathon. This is a marathon. Why are you doing all this right now? It's amazing. What happens when this slows down? What are you going to do with this? And they have so much money, And it's like...

What's enough? It's like that guy, the wolf of Wall Street. Greed is no good. I agree. I agree. You know, I'm kind of happy, except for the debts.

I'm kind of happy what this virus has caused. Slow it down. Slow it down. I know I'm done. I know I'm done. Stay home, watch Netflix. You know, look at my thing, my flyer. It's just called tour.

Stop with the tour. I just want to do spots. I just want to tell jokes. 56 and slinging dick is over. There's a couple venues I have that still have the poster up. They're still using it because the agents don't send out the new stuff and stuff like that. It's just me doing spots. And guess what?

I'm going to be the best I can be. New material from the last time you saw me. I'm not going to ram a T-shirt down your throat afterwards. Do we take pictures now? I mean, I don't know what we can do anymore. Can't now. You don't want to take a picture with nobody now. I mean, who the fuck would want to take?

I don't want to take a picture with a fat fuck that's in his mid-50s. It just flew five and a half hours on a plane. You're the last guy. Somebody came over the house the night and when we were talking. She goes, I just went to Disneyland. Ask my wife.

Right in front of her, I went and got the Lysol. Right in front of her, I went and got the Lysol. She's like, oh, my God, I feel so offended. I go, I'm sorry. You went to Disneyland, knowing. Knowing. Yeah. Knowing this is living in Orange County.

And you work with kids. You're in the business of putting kids at risk because you wanted to go to Disneyland. I don't want to talk to nobody who's going to Disneyland right now. If somebody tells me, I just went to a concert, out. Out. I don't want you in my house. I don't want you nowhere close to me.

Seriously. I don't even want to be out. You will not see me for weeks. You will not see me for weeks. I've got those dates. I'll take them if whatever, if, you know, you're allowed to. But if they're long, I doubt I'm going to send an airplane

until we get this thing cured. Until we get something on this. I don't care if it's Chinese putting the whammy on it. I don't care if it's Iran, Japan, Cuba. Iran, Japan. It don't matter who the hell is. You won't see Uncle Joey. No, wrong with that, dude.

No, you're not going to see me. So you did the show on the tent at the comedy store. When is your next show? The next one is the 24th. 24th. 24th. 24th. Oh, shit.

Yes, dude. 24. Shady. Who knows, man? I'm trying to put together the best lineups. Nobody doesn't matter. I don't need, like, to have quotas or weaponized diversity. I just want killers to kill. It's all about killing and kill. You don't have diversity.

We don't need to. I don't give a fun. And, dude, I don't do a lot of time because it's all about just keeping the train on the track and just letting people. You know a great show. Let the killers kill. Why bring in four killers if you're going to go up then to do 20 minutes in between and the show's going to run late? And then I got to get in the car.

What do I think I don't do 1030 shows? Yeah. Why think you can't get me to do 10 days? I try, dude. Because you're going to go over and then you're going to make those people wait outside at the comedy store for 30 minutes. I don't want to get them like that. I go to a comedy club and they go run late because I ran late, that's something.

But if they run late because the staff can't cover. I don't want my people waiting outside, especially now. Especially now with this fucking virus. So, Sam, it's a real pleasure. Dude, I love you, Joey Diaz. I appreciate you. I'm sorry if I weirded everybody up with the Kobe shit out the gate. Listen, man, it's what you fucking do.

Your podcast is in the top 40. Yeah. Whatever you're doing is working. God blessed you with two little fucking girls, beautiful. I love him. It slowed you down, which you need to be slowed down. Breathe. And we can.

If there's somebody who I respect, it's you. We've been at that store since we were young kids, you know. Kids. We were kids. Kids. We didn't even know what the foot. And we didn't realize how good we had it. We didn't realize it.

And now we're down there and we're men. Yeah. And we realize how good we have it. And we act like gentlemen. Yeah. Real gentleman. So it's a real pleasure, man. Honor and a privilege, too.

Thank you. And now for a word from our sponsors. All right. want to thank Sam. I want to thank the Christ killer, but most importantly, I want to thank you guys for listening on this beautiful Wednesday, 18th. I'm sorry about the situation, but it is

what it is. You want the dates? I don't have them. Like I told you Monday. Refund everything. We don't know what's going on. But let me give a shout out to our sponsors. First off, CBD line. I wouldn't be here without them. How do I know? Because they kept me together during the hamstring injury. I rub it on my knees.

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I want to thank CBD Lion. I want to thank Audit. I want to thank Lee. I want to thank Sam Trippley. But most importantly, I want to thank you, savages for listening, for having my back. I'm sorry you're going through what you're going through. A couple more days, seven more days of quarantine,

and you'll be honest. We'll be back Monday morning. tip top magoo ready to go have a blessed week may god bless you guys stay healthy and i'll be on twitter messing around with you guys so hook me up i love you guys have a great weekend stay black