The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #771 - Joey Diaz on Keeping Your Head in the Game

Episode Date: March 23, 2020

Joey Diaz talks about what his life has been like after the first week of self quarantine, specifically how hes trying to keep a normal schedule for his daughter. Joey also talks about how this is a tough time for a lot of people, and how it would be easy to let this depress you. Instead, its important to focus, work on yourself, and be prepared for when this is over.  This podcast is brought to you by: MeUndies - Go to Meundies.com/JOEY and get 15% off of your first purchase and FREE shipping.  CBD Lion - For all of your CBD needs, from shatter to gummies, go to www.CBDLion.com and use code CHURCH for 20% off.   

Greetings from Coronaville, you bad motherfuckers. It's Monday the 23rd of March. The church is brought to you by one of my favorite undies in the world. Meundees. Meandis, me undies, me undies. As a podcast fan, you've heard me and other schmucks with microphone blab about these bras, boxes, and briefs for years. But here's the thing.

Meandis is the world's softest, most sustainable fucking underpants you can put on. It's like having an angel cradling your nuts all day, every day, while you're rocking by me andes. Listen, if you open up my little fucking drawer underwear, it's all meandies. That's all I wear is me and these. I love me and these. I live by me and these. I don't give a fuck what they tell you. Yesterday I went outside.

I hit the bag. Was it hot yesterday? I have no idea. You don't know. You're a fucking good hook. He stayed in my backyard. I went out to hit the bag. The sun was so fucking hot.

I was sweating. I went in later on. The band around my stomach was sweat It was little wet But my balls were completely dry Why? Because Meandi's that material It keeps the moisture out of your nuts You can smell your nuts at 9 o'clock at night

And they're still fresh Listen do me a favor Go to Meyndi's right now Meyndes will not stop To every single one of you Tries them So Miundis has a great offer for the church family You ready?

Any first-time purchases You get 15% off and free shipping. It's a no brain, especially because they have 100% satisfaction guarantee or your money back. That's it. To get your 15% off with your first pair, free shipping, and 100% satisfaction guarantee, go to meundees.com slash Joey. That's meundees.com slash joey. And listen, right now, you want everything in your body to be tip top of good at this time, especially what we're living through right now. Do yourself a favor. CBD lion.com. This is the time to rest up, heal those injuries, especially you've been going to

jiu-jitsu or lifting heavy weights, whatever the fuck you've been doing. Getting in and out of a truck, this is the time to adjust all these things by stretching, making time, and CBD lion. Listen, why buy CBD lion at some fucking gas station, some liquor store? Are you fucking retarded? You cannot be this fucking retarded when your uncle Joey has everything right here whether you want the tinctia the vapor the the gummy bears are fucking off the chains the new tropical off the chain the gummy bears strawberry raspberry fucking orange they got tinctures they got bats balls now that you bad salts tremendous you put them in your little bat you could soak in them listen CBD line does not stop go to CBD line look at that third party test results and get back to

me bitches. Right now, go to CBDline.com. Take a look at the great selection of CBD products they have. When you order, you check out, Pressing Church. I'm going to give you 20% off to live at the house. No fucking around. It's Monday and we got fucking things are bad. We're all trying to stay above float. Kick this fucking Mulee. Oh shit. It all fuck fucking telemarked. No more fucking excuse. This is the year of the fucking soldier. We're going in like fucking Marines. You understand me? Church, motherfucker. There you go.

It's a whole new fucking day, Corona. Time to suck my dick. The church is here, cock suckers. Myself, the Christ killer, and myself. I don't want to fucking bring it in or give it out. What's happened, you bad motherfuckers? I know it's been a rough week for a lot of you guys, if my heart goes out to you.

It's been a roller coaster of emotion because nobody knows. what the fuck is really going on. All I know is I think Jews are spreading it. Yesterday, it's fucking Saturday. I'm walking around. I'm driving around just to see the climate. You know, I'm living like fucking Mad Max. And I see all these fucking Jews walking in clumps down Chandler Boulevard.

I know there's a temple, but the temple's fucking closed. Why are you walking around on Saturday for? And clunks with little yarmulks on and shit. Like six or seven of them talking about the stock market. What the fuck is wrong with you? Listen, we're living in a time now that I know. We're all diehards, all diehard motherfuckers. I've been in since March 2nd.

You think I want to be in some of March? Is that what you fucking guys think? Is that what you really think? I don't want to go on since March 2nd. But we had to play this handout. Am I scared? Listen, I'm not fucking scared. But I am scared.

I'm scared because I have friends. I have family members. I myself. I'm fucking old. And as you could tell, I've been smoking weed for 30, 40 fucking years. So I got the beginnings of eczema, whatever the fuck does. Not eczema. Emphysema.

Emphysema. That's the skin thing that you got all over the fucking place. But I got it too. Don't feel bad. I got everything. I got a fucked up toenail. I got everything. What's corona going to do to you?

But the whole fucking thing is you got to be careful. You got to be vigilant. You know, all week long. Governor Newsom is doing a great job in California. I don't know if you guys know who he is or whatever. I usually don't like politicians, but at least he's keeping you informed. And he's telling you that you got to fucking stay in.

You know, I'm stocked up on everything. You know, I got stocked up way before. Like I was telling Lee, for years, I've been telling my wife, we live in an earthquake zone. What does that mean? What does that mean that you always got to be prepared for the next day? I got a generator.

I bought a generator about two years. years ago because they got sleep apnea there's an earthquake we lose the power and I've always told my wife to buy two of the essentials what's essentials cream corn just buy two extra cans every week when you're going and buy a jiff peanut butter whatever the fuck you buy get an extra one yeah when you're going and buy soap get an extra soap in my garage I have it looks like a little supermarket it's professionally like a fucking little thing and it's peanut butter's imposter's And you think I fucking like Ragul? No.

But times like this, you need Raggoo. You know? Little things. You know, I don't go to the supermarkets. I don't let my wife go to the supermarkets. You know, on one hand, they're telling you're social distancing. And on the other hand, you're in the supermarket. I would only go to the supermarket if I went early in the morning.

Your odds are less. The earlier, the better because less people have been in there. You know, you go to the park. Any park you go to now, Governor Newsom said yesterday. He hasn't seen so many people out running. Everybody's Rocky Bobo. Drive down the streets. That's all you see is people running now, especially in California.

There's a park a couple miles from my house called NoHo Park there. It's on Magnolia and fucking... To hunger. To hunger. I go there from time to time. I smoke a joint outside. I got a little vitamin D. I was even telling Steve Simone.

For years, I would go over there and swing kettle bells. I'd wait until it gets really hot, and I pick a tree. with shade. And it's the best work you could do because you go for a walk to warm up, then you go to your car. It's got, I think it's two walks around the circle is a mile. So you walk once around the circle, then you go to your car, and I would go to a tree that had a shade, and I would do kettlebell exercises and fucking, you know, swings and cleans and squats. And then I would do, like, I would just stretch. But if it got too hot, I went under the shade. What I would I did the swings, I made sure and did them in the sun.

So my sweat would give me a natural sun tan. It was fucking tremendous. It's a great park. But now you go to their smoke pot. Yeah, people are staying their social distancing. But they're all running in the same direction. So if I'm running behind you, even if I'm 10 feet behind you, I'm going to eventually catch what you're breathing.

Because this stays in your particles. This stays alive in the air for three hours in your part. the fucking air, whatever the fuck. So these are the things that we're not doing. We're doing a lot of things right and a lot of things wrong. You know, me, I don't give a fuck. I'm minding my business. If you need a fucking coffee from Starbucks, go fuck yourself.

I got coffees from all over the fucking world at my house. Bustello, La Jave. I got espresso for Mitali. I got the fucking Kyrrack machine. You know, if you really going to go to need, you need to fucking, at least wear gloves and you get the cup and spray it down with, Lysaw. I got many Lysaws. I got fucking large Lysaws. Check this shit out. No matter where I go,

I'll fucking Lysaw you right in the fucking eye. Lysaw has become the new mace. You understand me? I mean, so just take care of yourself. You know, it makes me laugh. I saw those kids at the beach and shit. Oh my God. They showed that dirty white kid with the pink cheeks, you know. We go to school all year. Listen, you get bees. I could tell just by looking at you. You're a D type of motherfucker. You don't deserve nothing. But I got to tell you something, guys. I got to be honest with you.

Who the fucking mind of judge those kids? Who the fuck are you to judge those kids? Every single one of us would have been out when we were 21 right now. Now, give it a fuck. I was talking to a dear friend of mine last night. She's like a fucking doctor. We were laughing on the phone. I go, she goes in these kids.

I go, knock it off with the fucking kids. Knock it off with the kids. You and I both know that when we were 21, we'd be beating the door down at Joe Mary's. right now, snorting the coronavirus. We would have been snorting it. Like, can you get in powder form? Yeah, bring it to us.

We want to just snort it. So I don't get mad at those kids. I feel bad, you know. That's for the grace of God, go I, you know. It's tough to sell it to a kid. It's weird. I hear, like, this one comic I know was posted on Facebook that her roommate tried to bring a, like, a booty call over.

She said no. Like, a lot of people, like, I used to. people are going to be on Tinder and everything. From what I hear, most people aren't. Really? They got off Tinder? Listen, man, you have to just be careful. That's it.

That's all they're asking you to do. I left to you last fucking week. I came over here with mercy for something. Maybe Sunday or something. We came over here, clean the office. We just wanted to take a ride. I wanted to give her mother a break. And I told you, I went by the federal.

I mean, they're talking about it. The federal was packed. It's a bar of Lancasham across the street from the whatever theater. What's the name of that theater? Rumbling. No, the other one, the Portale Theater. Oh. It's so funny how they fucking, uh, it was packed.

And the thing that killed me the most was there was people with their kids sitting in boots and there was a bunch of fingerprints on the glass. As soon as I see fingerprints on the glass, I stop eating at your place. That's it. It's over. You know. Now the stress part of this thing, a lot of you guys are fucking stressed out.

I know it. I know you're stressed out. You're thinking about what it's going to end. Listen, let me give you the best advice I can give you. Nobody knows nothing. I got an email this morning from a friend of mine. She's closing the gym till the 18th, and she feels bad.

And I, you know, we went back and forth. Listen, there's no. nothing you could do till the 8th or the 20th. Nothing. And don't think, like, people calling already, like, hey, the 20, listen, nothing's going to be the same for a while. This isn't just going to go away on the 18th. The reason why they did was to shut the curve down. So this week right now is going to be crucial.

This next week, you can't crack this week, and the week after that, you can't crack. The week after that, you'll see some daylight. You think so? Yes, you'll see some daylight. What they're doing this for is so look what's happening in Italy. And I didn't know I couldn't figure it out until my wife was talking about. She goes, in Italy, all the families live together. It's like New Jersey.

Your grandma lives on the bottom floor. Your mother lives on the median floor. And you and your wife live upstairs, and you do everything together. You eat together. You have groups together. Look at the Fusco family. God bless their soul out of free. whole New Jersey. Four people died in the family.

No. Because they kept, they had a party the other day. My heart goes out to them. They're just a family that's tight. That loves hanging out together. I was supposed to go home in April for my like a 75th anniversary party. That's canceled. They canceled it already. Cancel. That's canceled because all those weddings and everything have old people with existing conditions. So the big thing for me that it's shown us like how not in control we are. Like we Like we act like we're in control of our daily lives. Nobody is. And this is what we're going to talk about today.

That you do have, listen, they broke it down for you. So now you got two things to say. You got two things to do. You could either fucking cry, go into a fucking depression or do something about it. Okay, you got three options. You could go into a funk which leads into a depression, which leads into sickness and worry and whatever. Or you could take this by the fucking horns, okay? Listen, man.

I'm not going to lie to you. The week before, the 7th at UFC, when Romero, I had a nervous breakdown that night. I was supposed to go to a dear friend of mine's house to watch the fight. And I had like the beginnings of a fucking stroke. Okay, I could feel my neck tightening up. And I got in my fucking car and I went down there against my belief, you know, because I was scared. I was scared of having contact. There was going to be other people there.

You know what? I knew that I called them up beforehand. And I said, is any of these people that are over your house traveling? And he goes, no, they're all agents from the office. I said, fuck it, I'll come down. And I went down there. For a couple days, I was apprehensive before I had to go to New York. I was very scared.

And then the confusion started, you know, you start hearing about your work getting canceled, and you're losing dates and you're losing money. Guess what? Everybody's going to lose money. Not just you. This isn't a plan against you. This isn't fucking somebody deeming you. You did not do anything wrong.

Lee didn't do anything wrong. I didn't do anything wrong. This happened. When things like this happened, you got three fuck, what did I tell you guys last week? But I felt like fucking, you know how I felt? I felt exactly how I felt after my mother died, and I felt exactly how I felt after I got a divorce.

What does that mean? That means a mourning a loss. We lost the ability to live the way we have been living for the last 100 years now. If you don't think there's going to be a fall I love these people that have rescheduled their tours Like you poor people Gonna come up with fucking tour money

Right after this thing is over You guys are gonna get back to work But for right now I don't want you to get into a funk Listen you lost your job Do me a favor right now Turn off the fucking podcast You lose your job You lose your fucking job

And you are gonna lose your family And your money Before you start panicking Get up off your ass go to the supermarket and every supermarket in your area is hiring night right now night fucking loaders

unloading trucks stocking shells you can't Uber go to the supermarket I'm telling you right now I'm telling you right now I stock shells for years you smoke a joint you put your little fucking mask on and you put your fucking iPod on and you listen to

podcasts and music all night the first couple nights you drink Mountain Dew you sleep in the daytime you'll get used to it. It's better than dealing with customers anyways. Yes. Listen, it's better than sitting there crying. That's my point. It's better than sitting there crying about how you're losing money. Everybody's going to lose money. Everybody's going to lose money. It's the way life is. You know, the road got taken from me. That's a huge, but am I, do you see me depressed? Do you see me crying? Have I been angry? No, I accepted it because my health, your health is more important

than a dollar. Listen. Unless you're a fucking bum, your landlords are not going to throw you out. Unless you've been a bum for the last year, your landlord is not going to throw you out. If you've paid the rent on time for the whole time you've lived there without any problems, you've got no problems. People are going to be sympathetic. Listen, cable TV, they're a bunch of scumbags. They're going to keep sending bills. And if you can't pay that, fucking disconnect.

Disconnect and go to Netflix for $8.95 a month. That's it. That's it. You're going to have to learn to cut things. out of your life that we were doing that you're going to see that you can live without it's like going to wait watches i always say when you go to wait watches you used to go to the deli what do you used to do at the deli you used to get the 12 foot the 12 inch with the two sides the chips and a can of fucking soda but once you go to weight watches you learn that you can live

off six inch sandwich one side which is maybe roasted peppers which isn't going to gonna fucking kill you and you drink a diet soda and you got the same fucking meal without the excess that that's all we watch is teaches you this is what this lifestyle is going to teach you guys we've been living fucking heavy for the last year we've been living heavy for the last 10 fucking years 250 for this this guy wants 113 a ticket the lakers want 145 a ticket this is gonna slow the things to fuck down a little bit you know now you're gonna have to fucking encourage people. What do you think happens after this beating that we're about to get the next two months? We're going to go out in the streets and jump up and down like it's fucking New Orleans

on a fucking whatever. No, this is going to take time to heal. You know, I'm concerned with the waitstaff at the comedy store. I'm concerned with friends of mine who I know that are hustling fucking comics that are out there taking whatever feature act, MC work, whatever the fuck you got, they're going to be hurting right now. And I feel for those guys and in time we're figure out a solution for those guys, especially dear friends of mine, you know, but for right now, I want you to eliminate that from your mind

because that's going to take you down right there. There's nothing you could do. And a little bit of money you have right now, if you buy a pound of cheese, you better eat that pound of cheese. Yeah. If you buy a pound of ham, you better eat that pound of ham. If you, you

know, whatever you buy, you better, it's got to be worth it. It's like if you throw a punch, you're going to kill the motherfucking out. You ain't going to knock them out or the bitch slap them. It's the same thing with what you're doing in your life now. You know, uh,

it's a long day. I have a child. She's going through a hard fucking time. You know, yesterday she had a good day. It's day to day. Does she understand what's happened? She understands and she's a little scared. She's a little scared. I took it to the park the other day.

It was just her and I playing with the ball. And she's got allergies. And she sneezed. And then she sneezed again. And she came up to me and she goes, Dad, do I have the coronavirus? Jesus. And I go, no, you have allergies, hunt.

It's a big difference. But even then, I took it to the park at 9 a.m. This park is fucking huge, guys. I didn't take it in a no-ho. I took it to this other park for kids up in Sherman Oaks. Usually fucking pretty empty. I found it through a miracle. I didn't let it touch the swings.

You're not allowed to touch the swing. or no metal unless you wipe them down. And I took her to this park. Me and her, we brought a badminton set, and we brought a whiff a ball on the bat. And we went to the little league field, and there was mud there, so I put her outside the cage, and I set a little target up, you know, for strikes and stuff.

And we played like a little, whatever, stickball, like Puerto Rican stick ball, like very, no running bases, just, you know, striking her out and shit, throwing curveballs out. I'm terrible at it. But the point being, do you know how many people tried to walk in between her and my game after about a half hour? For what reason? Lee, not going around you? I was seven feet from her, and people were trying, and I look at people.

And you know, and it was all, you could see the people on that, they weren't five beta capes. You know, this white chick with like an immigrant came. He was just excited to be with her, so he didn't give a fuck. He knows they can't take him back to Iraq, Iran. If he stands next to his white chick, they can't take him back. So he was standing his clothes, and he had a look of fucking fear in his eyes. Like, immigration was going to come get him. It was hilarious, and they kept walking.

And finally, a guy walked, and I tell you, I looked at a guy with his two kids and his wife and his parents. they were walking the path and I'm in the middle of the park with my daughter playing with football it's about 9.30, quarter to 10 in the morning I swear to, Lee, this is Thursday. All right, now, Thursday is quarantines. I haven't seen you all week.

No. Okay, so it's Thursday. The whole world knows about the coronavirus. It's instilled in your brain. You're not going to believe this one. I tell you guys. This is the funniest thing that happened to me. I'm throwing with football. And I see this family walking. Now, at this time, you know, no matter what's going on,

I don't want you to look at people and think, oh, he's got the coronavirus. Humanity is still number one. I want you to say hello. I want you to smile at people. Because believe me, a wink is as good as a nod to a blind horse. There's a lot of people walking around that need hugs right now. Trust me, I needed a couple hugs a couple weeks ago. You know, quarantine, and they take care.

your restaurants from you I can't go to sushi you can't fucking take sushi to go it's like taste eating ass you ever take sushi to go no it's just melting and shit it's like fucking ice cream I don't know what happens to the rice melts they throw like voodoo Japanese voodoo or something on the rice you know

it's bad enough with quarantine we can't go to our favorite restaurants or whatever all that shit but you got to smile you got to be optimistic you got to you know you do the best of what you can't but you're in the park I'm in the fucking park, mine in my own business, I'm throwing, and I'm, you know, as people walk by or kids

on the bicycle, now, they're all 40, 50 feet from me. So I'm good. I got lights all wipes. You know, if you've noticed, I wear different hoodies every day. Every time I go home, I wash the hoodie. Anything I wear does not go into the house. It goes into a hamper, and I change right in the garage. And we throw the clothes into the fucking thing. We're working it straight up. So I'm playing with a ball and I see this family. Now the whole morning, I'm saying hello, good morning. How are you? I'm smiling at people. I'm winking at people. They're winking back. Finally, this family, like a wife, a mom, you know, a husband, a wife, a couple kids, and their grandparents and their parents. Let's just say the couple's parents

are walking and the guy makes eye contact with me and I go good morning hi and my daughter says something and they kind of giggle they're like oh how cute look at he's playing with the ball and the guy i hear the guy go to the wife hey that's joey dyes oh no and i keep throwing and i feel grass and i look and the guy's walking towards me and he comes up lee 20 feet and he goes i don't want any problems i just want to shake your hand they go no No And he looked at me Like his little heart broke

And I go What the fuck is wrong with you Can't be shaking hands or nothing Go come on you know I love you Have a good day His little heart broke But he walked up to me He goes I just want to shake your hand

I go What news have you been fucking watching Go No And I felt so bad Even Mercy looked at me like Is that guy Is there something wrong?

with him, Dad? I go, I don't know, Mercy. When a seven-year-old questions and adults fucking thinking, that's when you know you have a fucking problem. Oh, my God. So, here's the thing, guys. I'm going to give you the fucking situation because I thought about it the other

day before I got into this with you guys. The reason why I'm doing so well throughout this whole thing, even though I'm getting my head handed to me and everything else, is because I've been to prison. It's like, You think gay guys are at home scared?

Are you fucking kidding me? Gay guys don't give a fuck. They already went through the Hiv and herpes. They got sore throats every day, gay people. You know, they don't give a fuck. There's a gay bar that was still open. They had a fucking tick of them. Yeah, they had a tick of them the other day.

Gays don't give a fuck. They canceled the parade. You fucked their year already. You fucked up their year already. They've been having hip for years. The corona, they just nod at it. It's just a thawthroat. Who needs your lungs anyway?

You know what I'm saying? We do what we do. But prison is, it teaches you how to kill time in your mind and not to be bored. And for the first couple days, I was running around with a chicken without a head, you know. But I went back to my prison days. And you have to use what you have and you have to schedule it. You're still living on a schedule. The TV is not allowed to go on in my house until 5 o'clock.

Wow. There's no TV allowed. I don't want that playing in the morning going into your psyche, making it worse than what it is. So there's no morning news, there's no nothing. If there's an earthquake, you'll feel it. Before I went to bed last night, there was a coronavirus. It's all I know. The only reason why I won't even turn out the real news at first.

but the TV is not long on until five. Me and my wife made a rule for all three of us. Wow. All right. No TV till five, which really means six.

Because I watch the six o'clock news and then I watch World News tonight. And by seven I'm shitting pickles already. Now I'm scared all over again. So what you need to do is just you got to break up your day. And like, you know, divorce is going to.

up, they're going to go up after this. You have to give people their personal space. I can tell my wife is starting to lose in some aspects, you know, but I'm also been giving her my personal space. We don't have a big house,

but I'll sit in that office entertained. I have a lot of work to do in that office. So this week, what did I do? I wanted to start my mind off on the right thing. So before I even wrote in the journal, I read a chapter in the art of war again.

Every day. Again, I read that book how many times? But let's stay the truth. You know, let's talk about resistance again. And let's talk about all those things. Because right now, you're not looking at this as a break. You're looking at this as an opportunity to heal and go out there stronger. Heal and go out there fucking stronger.

You know, I've thought about this for the last since March 2nd. I've been thinking about this. What's next? Who knows? What's this? Listen, forget about all that. When your construction site is going to open again, whatever the fuck you're doing is going to open. They'll contact you.

You open. Until then, there's nothing you could do. There's no sense of calling them up and drumming them crazy. And I know we all got bills and everything, but it looks like it's time you're going to get on the call, on the phone and make deals with people with your car payment. people, let them know what's going on. Just let everybody around you know what's going on. Just sit on one day for three hours and call

everybody and say, look, I figured out my budget and what I could do. And instead of sending you 280, I could send you 140. Ain't nobody going to say no to you. At this time right now, ain't nobody going to say no to you guys. Trust what I'm telling you. You're giving them a little something. You're giving them a little something, you know?

if you can't pay the rent but you give them a quarter, it's better than I'm not giving them nothing. Also think about them. You're broke, but also think about them. So if you're over 400 and you don't have the four, but you show up with a one, ain't nobody gonna be mad at you.

You know what I'm saying? Ain't nobody gonna be mad at you. Everybody knows right now what's going on. So that's the most important thing. Stress will lower your fucking immune system and you'll fucking catch this thing anyway. all this shit if you let it get to your mind

it'll break you down you guys know what I'm talking about a lot of you guys have to hit me up and told me you suffer from depression if you're already prone to depression this will spin you out of control I'm not prone to depression and there's been days this week where this has spun me out of control why did I you know you guys know I usually work out

four days a week. What I had to do in this time period to survive was make my shortcuts, my workout shorter so I can make sure I do them every day. Okay, so instead of working out for 40 minutes or 45 minutes, I cut it down. I've been doing 15 minute chunks every day just so I don't really kill myself. I still do the kettlebells twice a week. Thursday, I did a boxing workout and I mixed with yoga, just to get the breathing going, to get some of the fucking, leave some of the tension out of me, just the breathing, you know, the cat pose, the child pose, the fucking whatever that, that when you stretch out of your arms and you bend your knees,

just to get all the joints going. But the most important thing why I did that was the breathing. I wanted to breathe slowly. And then at the end, believe it or not, I actually sat down an Indian leg, you know, or whatever, Indian pose. If this alarm keeps going, I'm going to go out there and break this fucking windshield

in a second, this cock sucker. I'm trying to keep the door open so we get some oxygen here. So if Lee's got it, he don't give it to me, and if I got it, I don't give it to Lee. We got to think about this. We probably won't have guests for a few weeks. We were supposed to have a guest on Wednesday or whatever. I think I'm going to cut the guest out for a few.

few weeks, but back to that, I did that workout routine, and I got to tell you something, I feel a lot better. Why? Because I'm relieving stress a little bit. My shoulders aren't as hard. I can't lie to you guys. I think Tuesday or Monday I was hitting the bag at one point, and I thought I was going to fucking have a heart attack, just from all the thoughts of what's going to happen were going through my mind. I'm a little bit different. For me, like a lot of my depression or anxiety

comes from, oh, I should be doing this. There's more. Everyone else is doing better than me, this and that. This, like, something like this where you live, I literally have no control over it.

I had a little trouble sleeping the first week. But other than that, like I kind of feel like, it kind of sort of freed me up. Like, I've done some things that I've been meaning to do for years. That's what this is about. That's what this is all about.

This is all about knowing that your life is not going to be how it used to be. Drop that idea. Drop that notion. It's all going to change. And it doesn't take a fucking Houdini to tell you. If this goes till the mandatory shutdown is until April 20th, okay? Wow. Mandatory shutdown.

It's fucking the 23rd of March. We still have another close to a month with a, without doing anything, guys. So yes, I want you to listen to podcasts. Yes, I want you to fucking exercise. Yes, I want you to read books. Yes, I want you to write. Yes, if you're working from home, yes.

You know, listen, if it's between you being on the phone with unemployment for two hours and waiting, do me a favor. It's knock the shit off. Grab your fucking balls. And like I said earlier, go to any fucking supermarket chain. Right now they're hiring. Put a mask on. If you're really fucking broke, listen, when I'm looking, things go bad for me. I got to push a kilo of Coke, even though I don't do Coke.

I got to push a kilo of Coke. That's just the way life is. I've kept all my options open. You know, I got to push fucking 10,000 pounds of weed. We'll do it. If things get bad and I got to ship weed to New York and fucking edibles, I'll get on that fucking, I'll get on that gray house. I'll put Lee on the Greyhound bus, you know?

I mean, and I don't have kids, obviously. But even though this is scary and all that, is there a part of me that is, like, thankful for this time to get this family with her for like a month on uninterrupted? Me, to be honest with you guys, as soon as this happened, I wanted something like this to happen,

but not for people to lose their lives. Right. we needed a wake-up call and a lot of people knew something was about to happen we just didn't expect this okay we did not expect this to happen I'm scared for my daughter

yeah I'm scared for it but if you have kids right now I know you're worried about them I know that if you have three pieces of rice you'll give you a kid too and you'll eat one. You know, when you have kids,

all bets are off. You know, Lee, I know you want to be an actor, but go fuck your mother. Go over the fucking robs and apply for a job, loading. This is what this calls for.

You know, this is when life becomes life. This is like when my mother died. Yeah, I know I want to be this and this and this, but it's too late. you can't play basketball no more you can't do this you have to quit school you got to support yourself

you're not getting social security this is what needs to be done what you want is great yeah I'm thinking of going to Stony Brook College who gives a fuck we can't afford Stony Brook College we could afford North Hollywood Community College

that we could afford so what do you want to do you want to cry or you want to take what's available to you. There's no time for crying now. There's no time for fucking fun and games. You know, I feel for you. I feel for you. But at the other hand, you have to feel for you too. Claim responsibility and go, you know what? Joey's right. I can't fucking sit here all day. I'll go do this. I'll go do this. Spread your day out. I mean to the fucking hour. If you come to my house now,

I've got my little daily notebook to the hour. To the hour. From Monday to Friday now, we have homeschool. Wow But I did it differently I take her at 845 And I take her for a walk around the neighborhood I take it to the corner of the park And I let her go fucking crazy You know

I take it for like an hour walk 45 minute walk Just to get all that energy out She'd be when I drop her off at school at 8 She doesn't go into class at 8 They play for 15, 20 minutes To get their fucking ya-ya's out And to talk

I'm boring to her I'm an old fucking man She doesn't want to talk to me, but she can't talk to her kids, her friends. Right. So what we've done is we've set up three of her good friends. We know their mother, and I'll call the father, and they'll FaceTime. Oh, smart. That's great.

I'm going for a walk. They'll FaceTime with little girls, and then she'll tell me, Dad, I'm bored, and she'll give me the phone, and then we go home, and then I hand her over to her mother. And at 10 o'clock, she's got a computer thing with one teacher, and then, then, and then, and then, at 10 o'clock, she got a computer thing with one teacher, and then, and then, That ends at like 10.30. And then she has a snack. And then 11 o'clock, she's got another one with her main class teacher and all the students. So for an hour, she's yelling. You go to my house.

We put her outside. We put her out. We have the back room I have. I could have converted into a podcast studio. We turned that into a classroom. Oh, interesting. We're a little bored. So my wife's got her desk and they could do work together.

So my wife is doing her work. she's doing her work sitting right next to her. Then at 12, we take a breather and we eat lunch. And she could fucking watch the computer, anything on a computer for a half hour we eat. And after that, we do math. Then at about two, I bring out the sparring mitts. And she's either got to do fucking hit the mitts for 15, 20 minutes. You know, so every day we got it doing something.

I have it doing the podcast on Tuesday. my wife had a planting trees. You really got to keep them engaged. Because there was a couple days I saw that we, so it took a couple days to come up with this. Yeah, of course. It was like three days of like fucking, we were all over the place.

Then we said, no, let's put her in the back, shut off all the focus. So now she's happy. She's adjusting. Are there kids in her school whose parents are both working right now? They're working, but they're working from home. Okay.

Like the main parent. She has one girlfriend that a mother's a nurse. So I'm hearing everything that's going on in the hospitals through her. And what I was thinking a lot about this week was how you talk about keeping everything a low. Like I've been wanting to do like a two-bedroom or I want a dog or this and that. And this week is maybe like thankful that I keep everything below. This is what I've been telling people for years. I'm like, what if you just bought a house right now?

For 23 years. I know people. who bought houses right now and have their homes up for sale. They moved into the house before their home was up for sale. So I know a couple people in that position. They're fucked. Who woke up yesterday and said, you know what?

I think I'm going to buy a house right now during corona season. So the fucking, you know, I'm going to walk into a fucking stranger's house. So, you know, things are going to change for a long time. As long as you can accept them and you're prepared for these changes,

but it's the mental that's got to be tough. It's the men, and trust, guys, every day, I'm not going to lie, you have a little bit of a nervous breakdown. At some point in a day, I got to reach for something, believe it or not,

and Lee knows, I have been cutting my weed intake down. Drastically. I've been going from 20 bong hits to six. Wow. Five. I don't get up no more and smoke weed right away. I try to save it for after lunchtime.

If I could push it till three. The other day, I went all the way till five. You know, this affects smokers and vapor smokers. So you have to do all the... Listen, guys, we're all going to fucking die. I don't want you to think that nobody's fucking a more of the world. We're all going to punch the ticket. But all I'm trying to do is stay healthy to prepare.

provide for my family to see that little girl if I can make her high school graduation I'll leave this planet happy as shit and give her the education and give her the street education she deserves and I could turn her into the savids that she's supposed to be not to fall for all this stupidity and jumping

up and down and spring break and following the masses I've done my job as a dad and that's all I want to do I don't listen I don't want to be on TV. I don't want to be fucking famous. I don't want to be Kevin Hart. I just want to do two podcasts a week. Get on the road when I can. I don't want to fucking have a bus. I don't want the traveling bingo tour. I don't want nothing. I just want to make you guys laugh, be happy,

and see my daughter grow up at this point, you know. I don't want to be fucking Seinfeld. I don't want to do nothing. As far as I'm concerned, the entertainment industry I really wanted to sit down with you guys and once a week or twice a week and maybe do Joey's cabaret and do stand-up for you guys until I watched this week with John Oliver.

He didn't have a live audience. It was fucking brutal. Oh, really? It was brutal. This is why, after you kept calling me and going, what are we going to get tomorrow? That is brutal. And then everybody started doing it, so now I wouldn't be special. That's true.

To sit here in front of a wall and just, I'm not going to charge people. Right. Because I decided I just wanted to stand up a break. Right. And that's actually something I wanted to say. I'm thankful that we're still doing this. Just like... Well, not really.

When I called you the other day and I'm like Sunday, like Sunday, then you see Gavin Newsom. I don't know. I did not say that. You said, no, quarantine. Yes, you did. I know. No, you guys people about something else. This is the perfect situation for you to be quarantined because you've been quarantined.

I do like being quarantined. For the last, since Paula left, you've been quarantined. So this does nothing. This doesn't change your out. I didn't say it did, but I'm glad that I get to get out of the house a couple days a week. No, you do, right. You went to West Hills for groceries. You could have gone to and tell me, I'm going to.

It worked. You're smart. I'm going to tell you people something. I'm going to tell you people something. And I've told you before, but I'm going to tell you again. I'm going to tell you where you definitely will get Corona and the strain is the worst one you'll get. Do not go to 7-Eleven.

Do not go to 7-Eleven. Do me a favor. When you go for a ride today, go to your nearest 7-Eleven and just sit outside the 7th. Don't even go on the parking spot. Oh, no. Even if you pull your car, you need special fucking army tanks

to go on the 7-Eleven parking lot. the coronavirus, that's that fucking, that's that fucking, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, uh, that, that, that, that, uh, that, that, uh, that, that, uh, ISIS coronavirus. That's different. Did you see ISIS told their militants not to come back? No. That's the funniest line of the week. That's how you know, Corona's real. ISIS told its militants to stay put and do jihad, wherever the fuck they're at. Don't come back here and bring your fucking, do jihad from home? Don't bring, don't bring, don't come back with your little Hummusy, fuck. fucking olive fingers

back to this fucking plantation that we'll stabbing the neck we'll put a hood on and chop your fucking head off. ISIS told its followers not to come back. That's how serious Corona is.

Fuck. So if you want to keep fucking around and breathing on people, and by the way, when I did that podcast last week and I talked about that girl that I grew up with that went to all those loser bars, I had three girls from my youth contact me

that I have not heard from and said you were talking about this particular girl, weren't you? She's a fucking stiff, you're right. That's how crazy it is. It's guys, all I wanted to come on here today is to tell you, listen. It's a lot worse in your head than what it really is.

I want you to look out for yourself. Don't let nobody, you don't want no hand breathing on you. When I say that, I don't say, I'm not being fucking racist. I mean any Wu Ham breath I don't want on me. Woo ham breath is fucking Corona. That's what Wu Ham breath is. Okay, so when I said that, it had nothing to do.

I'm smarter than that. I am not blaming this on the Asians. I'm not blaming this. This is a punishment from God to check us. This is karma checking us. This was a karma check for all of us. We've all been going on. little bit over out of our heads the last couple of years.

We're not doing the right things. You know it and I know it. That we have not been doing the right things. There is no reason why we should be paying $400 and $60 to park to go see the stones or any other fucking ban. There's no reason why we should be paying $25 to an already inflated fucking airline ticket. when, you know, there's no reason, you know, Disney loses $6 billion. You know what, Disney?

Suck my motherfucking dick. You've been charging $140 to go into that place for fucking ever. Now you're dying. Suck my dick. You will live in high on the hog. All these motherfuckers are living high on the hog. Dog, I grew up in fucking Nick Games. Nick Games.

I'm sorry. I went to Nick Games. I went to fucking Yankee. I won the Mets games. into concerts. $10. Now, the cheapest fucking Laker game is $100. $200.

The cheapest Laker ticket is $1.90. It's the fucking air conditioner with a bunch of runaways and shit. That's what you're trying to fucking tell me? Since day one, I've been talking about this podcast, about the abuse on the American family, how a family of four cannot even afford to fucking go on a vacation anymore. Because they rob you at every fucking length. So Disney lost six million.

million dollars go fuck yourself you can't even bring water into the park so they can charge you seven dollars for their fucking water seven seven fucking dollars the movie theater for a fuck why should it cost me 50 fucking dollars to go to a goddamn movie theater seven dollars for a fucking soda guys last time i checked i'm an econ major it's fucking a nickel for the syrup and the cup and they're charging you seven fucking dollars That's a 300,000% fucking markup. So you know what? Fuck the movie theaters.

Fuck AMC. Fuck Regal. Fuck all these motherfuckers that have been taking our money for the last 10 years and laughing in our face. You fucking pay phone cut. Go check of your fucking bill. Take an Uber. Take an Uber and look at the taxes that you pay.

Uber tax, getting into the car tax, fucking breathing air tax. They hit you on. Everybody's got. got your fucking money in your pocket. Fuck them now. If they're crying, time to go fuck themselves.

For years, they've been having it with our fucking money. Lee, did we not have a conversation here last year and talk about you going home for Christmas and how expensive it was and fucking, the American family? So fuck them. The airlines are crying.

Now, fuck you. Fucking American Airlines was at their highest fucking peak in 2010. They were charge in month. They made $7.6 billion fucking dollars. And instead of fucking making the plane better, they went to war with their pilots and stewardesses. They yanked all the screens off their TV. They fucking took a bathroom out of the plane to put more seats in there on top of the 25 for your luggage they were charging

you. And I got to feel bad for them. Fuck them. I feel bad for you guys. And I hope this opened up your eyes. You know, 10 years ago, we were all coming over all cables high. Well, now we got Hulu, Zulu, HBO plus, Showtime Plus. So now you pay more for fucking cable. Look at me. I got Hulu. Yeah, but you're paying eight fucking times the amount, you stupid fucks. Look at me, I got Hulu.

Who gives a fuck? Now you're crying. Now what are you going to do? And it's not your fault, guys. It's not your fault. It's they all tried to fuck us. $60 to park for an event. to go to a UFC fight or this or that.

And then to add insult to injury. To add insult to injury. The NFL who owns Sundays. The NFL is more popular than the church from August 15th to February 3rd. The NFL is fucking all we know. NCAA basketball? Are you fucking kidding me?

It's the fucking pulse of this country. Americans, especially in the SEC, ACC, all those divisions, they don't know what to do in March with it. You know, fucking Major League Baseball. Major League Baseball created this fucking country. It's baseball, Apple Pie. I mean, this is as American as can be. All of them fucking tapped out.

But then you got Johnny Green. read over here still. Kabib was going to fight fucking whatever. You know, I mean, then he has the fights and he don't show up. He had a fight in Brazil. I don't see you there. When you show up and you're out there breathing

with these poor Brazilians, then you fucking call the fight. Then you could stay at the fucking fight. Johnny Green? Yeah. Can you believe this shit? He still wants to have people out there wrestling and fighting. They're telling you basketball players got the fucking coronavirus. And

Johnny UFC, so we're still going to have the fight. Listen, I feel bad for Khabib. I want to see Khabi and that dude fight to the fucking end. I'm dying to fucking see that fight. Like anybody else, if you're a fan of fucking MMA, that's the only thing on your mind that you should be counting off the days. I called it when this happened. And once they fucking said that six of the Nets had it,

are you kidding me? You can't have an event there. Then when they said that one, I'm not going to, he didn't know how to talk to him. to cancel the next three. Did you watch that UFC last week? No. No, it was like fucking a Ghostville.

It was five people breathing on each other. You know, I cannot believe the fucking greed of some people. And this is what I'm saying. Listen, I want to see that fight more than anybody, but I don't want nobody getting the coronavirus. How would you feel, Dana?

If somebody got the coronavirus, whether it be a camera guy, a fucking, the ref. one of the fucking people are sitting around the side. I don't fucking know. They had like maybe 12 people in there. You know, you're exchanging bodily sweats.

On top of that, to train for a fight, you have to go to a gym and be around people. Everything leads to a sickness. And this guy's still saying the fight's still going to go on. And that just shows you where we're at. We don't, listen, man, the day after the fucking thing was announced, agents were still calling.

So when are we going to be? You can't be this fucking stupid You can't be this fucking stupid I know people who rescheduled dates Then now have to reschedule them again I told you just to cancel everything The only date I'm really looking at right now Is July 31st and August 1

San Diego And Vegas and do I expect full houses Not in a million years I don't expect full houses I'm hoping the store the store and everything is open by June. I'm hoping to do Braya June 4, but are you going to come to the show?

Are you going to sit in the front row? I'm known as a spitter anyway. You know, when I was a kid, people used to tell me constantly, hey, give me the news, not the weather. I got like a tooth that makes the spit come out of my fucking mouth. You know how many times I've sat? I've been doing comedy and I spit on people directly.

By mistake. Oh, okay. By mistake, you're talking and you see a piece of fucking roast beef come out or something. You eat a piece of, pizza in between shows. You know, what do you think? I got dental floss in my pocket. Now I started bringing it after, you know, you started headlining a couple of years

and you see a piece of saliva fly out of your mouth. I don't want nobody in the front row when I'm performing. So it's going to be very interesting. I don't want somebody to come to my show, so I'd rather not do stand-up till whatever. Do the original room just to build my immune system up. Do the belly room just to get. I wrote a few jokes this week. Nothing extreme.

Like I said, my focus hasn't been on that. My focus has been, but real quick, before we get the podcast going, I want to thank my man David Schuller. David Schuller put together that opening track for us. That was great. That is fucking phenomenal. We can live with it. You know, we don't have to play any music.

I mean, he put, he caught the fucking church of what's happening now and the vibe all together. I want to thank David Schula for putting that little fucking riff together with the church or what's happening. It's beautiful. When I got the call the other day, I didn't know what my friend was talking about, Matt Schultz. I want to thank him to one of my agents at CAA who made this all possible. But, Mr. Schuller, I love you. I read your Wikipedia and I love to have you on some time. He's a Grammy nominee award winner. Really? Yeah, the guy that did this is great. And you know, this is what I'm saying.

Right now, this is the, I'm going to leave you with this. This is the time to live by this every day this week I did something to blow somebody's mind and Friday somebody blew my mind with this thing with this beautiful fucking intro for us that he made and he's got more don't worry about none he's got more he told me he could cut this around and move it however we wanted to do it so do me a favor no matter how bad you feel this week how stressed out you are you want to feel a little better about yourself and why you do me five favors grab a pen wait to do me a couple favors number one call five people every day from your phone list five people outside your regular world just say hello ask them how they're doing you know be human man you know what's going to beat this

love and humanity i see all these people telling me about all these bullets that are being sold I know. So we're trying to invoke more evil with fucking more evil. I'm not saying not to protect yourself. You have the amendment. You have to carry your fucking weapon. But please don't put your pictures on Facebook and Twitter and put pictures of more guns out to get people going crazy.

I got calls from a friend of mine in Texas. He says, you can't even get ammunition. People are getting guns and getting ready for this. Listen, I'm prepared, you're prepared. My whole neighborhood is prepared. Remember, I live two doors down from a retired cop. He's already come over and spoken to me. I put an extra camera in the back.

I've done everything I can. The alarm is kicking. The guns are ready. But do me a favor. Don't put no pictures of guns on the internet. We're going through rough times as it is. Why do you want to evoke evil right now? There's no schools.

That's a good thing about this. There won't be no school shootings the rest of the fucking year. Thank fucking God. At least we got rid of that situation. We got another different situation now. But don't make it worse, okay? You know, last time I fucking checked the way to cure a vaccine, the way to cure a fucking disease is through a vaccine.

It's not shooting people. So I don't know why people are getting all the guns and shit together. Listen, I appreciate that you're using your amendment and the right to protect yourself and all that stuff. But do us a favor. Don't put that out there as the front line because you're really sending out the wrong message. man. I got guns too and we got their grenades and the whole fucking deal. I'm not posting pictures

of them up. Right now at this time, I want you to call some people. I want you to fucking be mindful of other people. By the way, if somebody hurts an old person in front of you as a member of the church and you fuck them up and you get a ticket or go to jail, please contact me. I will bell you out personally. I will send you the money to the police department. If you strike someone for attacking an old person or for knocking somebody all down in the supermarket and you kick them in the stomach and you send me the fucking paperwork

I will bail you out personally and pay for your fucking attorney, okay? Do not let fucking acts of abuse go on in front of you. If you see your fucking abuse at a supermarket or anywhere, listen, you fucking kick them in the mouth and you get a hold of Lee, you go on Twitter, you tell your mom to get on Twitter,

tweet Joey Diaz, send me the fucking paperwork, and I will personally send you to fucking bail money and I will get you a fucking attorney that will go in there and say, fuck you motherfuckers, we're still fucking human last time I checked. You don't push nobody, you don't abuse nobody. You see somebody hitting a fucking kid at a park.

You fucking knock the fuck out of it and I'll bail you out. That's how we're doing this church, okay? Do not let all elders get abused in front of you. I've been hearing fucking people fucking hit me up saying they went to the supermarket. No. And they saw some guy pushing an old lady for, a fucking soda and shit like that. You see that? You got the green light.

Kick them in the fucking mouth. Knock a tooth out. Start running if they catch you. I got you. I got you. I promise you. We ain't fucking around like that. We're still fucking gentlemen. Anybody, because I know Ooki Spooky

would put a bullet in your ass. Oh, yeah, yeah. Hookie Spookies down there in Texas waiting to shoot a motherfucker. She's their own patrols right now. So that's it and that's that. I didn't mean to do a podcast today to scare you, motherfuckers. I just want to come and check in with you.

Remember, schedule your day, man. You know, go for walks. You see some guy walking down the street across the fucking street. Don't walk behind nobody. You don't want nobody walking behind you. You know, go out, get vitamin D. Very important for depression. Very important.

Very important. You're starting to get stressed out. Listen, I don't want you to lift fucking one. Joey, I don't have a gym. Beautiful. You don't need a gym. All you need is to do slow motion, push-up, set-ups, go online, get some yoga poses, and remember to breathe through them.

Just stretch. You don't remember how to stretch. You know how to fucking stretch. You know how to do push-ups, and you know how to do setups. But I want you to watch your breathing while you're doing these exercises. Because I want you to breathe out the stress. Breathe it out. and members, if you can't, nobody's telling you to work out for two hours.

You're not fighting nobody in the UFC, but everything helps. Yeah, especially since this thing is a breathing disease, that boss root and breather thing is really great. If anyone has breathing issues, it really helps. Listen, I've been living off that boss room thing. The O2 trainer or something. The O2 trainer. I got to the point where I would walk around the park with it, but I just felt creepy. People were looking at me like, what's he doing?

What's this fucking dude doing? You would see that dude on a unicycle? Yeah. You've been driving. There's a dude around here that has like a unicycle. He thinks he's real cool with this unicycle. I can't wait to see him get hit by a UPS truck one day. I could see it coming.

It doesn't take a fucking genius to see it coming that he's going to get hit by a fucking UPS truck. Like I said, I don't know what the fuck my dates are. As soon as I get him, I will let you know what the fuck they are. I hope I could, uh, I hope I helped you out as much as I could today. by doing this podcast. Listen, I don't know everything, but I'll tell you what I'm doing.

It's working for me. There's been no drama in my house. There's been no arguments. I love her more than ever. The baby has had her moments, but I look in her eyes and I see what she's going through and it gets me a little fucking fired up. You know, I give her a hug and I give her a kiss.

And I, uh, And that's it, guys I wish you the best. Like I said, it's easier said than done, Joey. Ba, blah, blah, blah, blah. Give it a shot. Give it a shot. I was stressed out.

The week before I had to go to New York to shoot that movie, I don't remember myself even being that stressed out before going to court. I swear to God, guys. Before getting sentencing, I was not that stressed out.

I was really stressed out the week before St. Paddy's And then this week I figured out a way How to deal with it And yeah I've been eating my edibles at night I've been getting

Fucking shizzled Guys the last two weeks I'm not gonna lie to you I've been going on edible Fucking foxholes I've been drinking this thing called Quigzee 100 milligrams

I get at urban trees It's got melatonin in it Everything in it points you to sleep So I'll take two or three hundred regular ATX capsules, whatever. The ABX, I'll take two or three hundred of these first to get the party started. I'll start about five o'clock or one before dinner. And then I'll pop two more after I take my blood pressure medication.

And then once my wife says she's going to bed, I'll drink that fucking quick ease, quick Z. And guys, after that, there ain't no turn. him back. There really is an only turn it back. I get fucked up. Yeah. Listen to this poor guy. Yeah. I get fucked up. I ate some mushrooms this week one night. I just been trying to make the best of what I have guys. So, uh, by the way, let's see what we got there. Oh shit. We're gonna take the almost. The second half of the podcast is brought to you by Did you see the noise? We already took

Edibles. That's okay. That's what you need. Come here you go. There's a beautiful little. And these are, these taste great. No, they don't.

These were grown in a, in a tank. Look at these. Oh, no, stop lying. These are beautiful. No, no, no, no. Stop adding to it. Right there, right there.

That's all you need. That's not even, that's not even a half grand. That's like a half grand. Clementico. We end the podcast off. for little mushrooms here. You know what I'm saying? You know how we do it?

You know, we don't fuck around here on the church of what's happening now. Always a little surprise for you. While we eat this little mushroom cap there, we'll talk to you a little bit about Miondi's. Listen, Miondi's, Miondi's. As a podcast fan, I know you guys have heard me and every other fucking podcast

that talk about Miondi's. But to me, there's something else. Here's the thing. MionDies is the world's softest, most sustainable underpants ever. It's like having an angel, cradle, your little nut sack all day, every day when you're rocking these motherfuckers. They design their underwear for comfort and self-expression, okay?

For me, it's the comfort. Yeah, I love the patterns. They're cute. I got red ones. I got green ones. Let me eat the mushrooms. I got all different ones. But the comfort, it does, I don't like wearing underwear.

I don't know if you people don't know that. When I became a comic, it was either underpants. underwear or cocaine and I pick cocaine. So I stop wearing underwear. Now I wear underwear. Why? Because it doesn't feel like I have underwear on. That's what Miondi's has, all right?

It's time to cut off your toxic relationship with those tattered old fucking white things with street marks and fucking ball sweat. Guys, I know you're hoarding some of the real works of art in that top draw. But make the adult decision and get yourself on a monthly plan for cleaning. fresh, soft skivies. You'll be delighted with the monthly prints that they offer for members, and you'll never have to settle for a pair.

You'll be embarrassed to get caught in. Trust what I'm telling you. My me on these are tremendous. Don't forget that little piece there. That little piece to help you out with the Lord. You already added to this. Get me yundies delivered straight to your door with free shipping.

They've designed to be the softest thing you ever put on your body. Thanks to the magic fabric. they call micro mold all. I fucking love these things. You guys know I wear them for workouts. I've got them on right now, and they came in all shapes, sizes from extra small to 4x.

So everybody's welcome. I don't care if you're skinny or you're built like me or you're built like Lee. They got me undies for you. Meandies just don't make undies. They also have lounge wear and all the same fun patterns you love and underpants. Okay, listen. I can blow smoke up your ass. You guys have been listening to the church for years.

No, I get to choose what I fucking sell. I love me and these. Comfortable, comfort, and they keep your balls smelling fucking fresh. And that's all that matters to me. That's the bottom line. Meandis will not stop until everybody has at least tried them. Every listener, what are you doing?

What are you staring at me for? So, meandies has a great offer. Are you ready? Family, grab a pen. If any first-time purchases, they're going to give you 15% off and free shipping. That's right. Free.

Free shipping, okay? I know you're going through some hard times. 15% off. These are the underwear you need. It's a no brain, especially because they have 100% satisfaction guarantee. So it's time right now. Get 15% off and your first pair with free shipping

and 100% satisfaction guarantee. Go to me on these.com slash show you. Again, that's meundies.com slash Joey. The church is also brought to you by my personal favorite, CBD lion.com. Go to CBDLine.com to look at that third party, the lab results. You're going to be fucking amazed. That shit you're buying on the streets is garbage. At least with fucking CBD Line, you know who you're doing business.

You know what you're doing business with me. That's how much I love CBDLine. They come. Listen, it comes to the tincture. They got bat balls. They got gummy bears. They got vapor pens with no vitamin E and no acetine, whatever to fuck up your lungs. Listen, if they make it, they got the fucking thing that you smoke.

But me, I do the tincture. Every day I put five, 10,000, two little drops under my fucking tongue. I sleep like a baby. My joints feel as good as they can. CBD line makes you feel 100% fucking better. Don't take it for me. Go to this third-party lab results. Go to CBDline.com right now.

Press in church and get 20% off your first daughter. You're not going to get that deal nowhere. And the quality of CBD that is will take you start feeling better in a fucking week. You'll tweet me and go, Joey, I really like these fucking gummy bears. So I want to thank CBDLine.com right now. And I also want to thank me on these, but most important. I want to thank you guys for the support. I love you guys with all my heart.

I care about you guys with all my heart. Thank you for all love and support you've given us. We're here for you. Listen, I was making videos for you guys. Remember that last video I made last Friday? I was fucked up. I blacked out so hard. I forgot I made the videos.

And the reason why I stopped, I'll start this week. Once everybody else stops singing, fucking imagine. Fucking Wonder Woman singing, imagine. and a bunch of faggy comics putting some shit up. When I come to you, I want to come to you like it's original. So I'll do some more periscopes this week. That's it and that's that. I love you guys with all my fucking heart.

Thank you for tuning in. Have a great fucking Monday. Remember to reschedule your shit. It's time to start over. Okay? It's just a little bump in the road. Grab your balls and you're going to be a better, bad a motherfucker than when you were before this whole thing started. Have a great day.

Kick this fucking meal, Lili.