The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #772 - Joel McHale

Episode Date: March 25, 2020

Joel McHale, a stand up comedian, actor, and writer known from "Community and "The Soup," joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio. This podcast is brought to you by: MyBookie.ag -  Use code promo Church to get a 50% match on your first deposit up to $1,000.  Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH at checkout for a 10% discount on your first order.  

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this is the year of the fucking soldier we're going in like fucking marie Jim Stanley. Welcome to church, motherfucker. All right. Joe McCall in the house. Thank you for having me. It's a totally normal day. Thank you for coming.

How are you, buddy? I'm, you know, all things considered, I'm very well. It was great to see at the store a few weeks ago. Very good to see you. You were out doing your thing. I was happy. I love seeing different comics out during the week. I'm just glad they let me on.

Yeah, you had a great set. You had a good time. You were loose. That whole, uh, That was a murderer's row back there of comics. That really is great. Very intimidated. Now, you started comedy down here.

I did a lot of comedy. Well, as people, well, Joey and I were in Seattle at the same time, apparently. But I was on a TV show in Seattle called Almost Live. And I was newly married. And I had not ever done. I did a ton of improv, but no stand-up. So I didn't really start stand-up. until after, like a year after the soup, which everyone goes, oh, that's why you suck so hard

during that time when you're trying stand-up. But I didn't start that after because an agent said to me, you're going to make a lot of money if you just go on the road with your friends and you can introduce them and then they can go do their thing and you can try little jokes in between. So, but so technically, yeah, I guess I started comedy in Seattle. I got to be honest with you. I enjoyed your quirkiness on talks. So, honest to God, I loved it. I loved that people would yell things and stuff like that. I really enjoyed that.

And I think somebody polished wouldn't have had a good time doing that show. Yeah, well, I guess. You know what I'm saying? That's what made you so good for that show. It was a good time. Yeah, well, I was loose. You were quirky. I still been watching episodes at night and laughing.

Chris McGuire's girlfriend wrote. Yes. Yes. So I always follow. you know, because she was on there. If it was on, I'd watch it, you know. We're fucking comics. You're busy.

The worst is when people say, you watch my show and you're like, your show comes on at 9.30. Yeah, on fucking Tuesdays. Especially at that time. I'm out. I'm out, you know? Yeah. But if you go on the road,

like when you're on the road, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, usually tend to watch shit. Usually you wouldn't watch or you don't have time to watch. Like, oh, now I'm home. I can watch the fucking news or whatever. How long to talk soup? farm for? I did it for 12 years. Jesus. Yeah, it was a while.

Yeah. It got me, yeah, I bought some stuff. Yes, you did. But yeah, no, I believe me, I couldn't, I didn't, I believe me, I was surprised as anybody, it went that long. But you say the whole like, polish part, but I'm super

dyslexic, so I could not read a teleprompter when it started. So there was so, I fucked up so much that it would take me, I remember the first few episodes, it took me four hours to get through 20 minutes a copy, 22 minutes of copy. What would you think to you so? They're going to fucking fire me.

I just kept thinking, I cannot believe, because at that point I was undiagnosed, and I was just like, these, I'm an idiot, but I'm just going to keep, when they finally edited it together, they were like, we salvaged your performance.

And then as the anxiety of having, being forced to read jokes on camera, as that went down, then I got a lot. And then I began to not care at all if I screwed up. So then it got, then it got, that's going to get good. Then I was having such a good time. When you don't care, that's when that's right.

It gets good. Yeah. When you just let loose, you know, I learned a lot when I shot specials. I wasn't good at shooting specials because I cared too much. Right. I focused on the words like an actor. You're not supposed to focus on the words like an actor. You're a stand-up.

Yeah. Go out there and just go, you know, go and let pieces fall with it. How long did it take you to figure that out? Two specials. And I was like, I'm done. I just can't do this. But then the third one you went. Oh.

No. Oh, you're not going to do it. No. No, I'll tape CDs from now on. What if someone secretly taped you and then it was said? If it was a good set, yeah, then I'll put it out there. I just don't like all the fucking shit that comes in. I don't want to see a boom going over me when I'm doing stand-up.

None of that shit. You know, I think that we went away from the traditional way of shooting stand-ups, and now we're trying to get back, but it's too late. Like, I still remember seeing Lenny Bruce and just a thing. Yeah. No audience slapping their hands. No big theater to impress you. You know, it was just a wall with bricks on it and maybe 200 people in the room,

and he went off. That's why they called this Nightclub comics. You know, we did nightclubs. Right. You know, that's it, you know. Ken Jong taped his at the Ice House. Yes. Which he could have taped it at, you know, an arena if you had wanted to.

But it's so intimate. And he shows how close. I mean, obviously, you know, how close it is. For those of you are just tuning in, it's very close. And it's magical. I like it. When I shot the special, my first special, I shot at a comedy club in Chicago. I really liked that club.

I like the reaction. It was outside the city. Right. So they were more blue collar. So when I work in Zanis in the city, I just go there to eat a bag of dicks. Like it's just flying somewhere to suck dick for five days, for five shows.

So I try to work one night there. They're too intense for me downtown. They're too politically correct. You go 45 minutes outside of Chicago, things are loose. Yeah, they don't count points. They don't get. give a fuck they say the word midget you know you really should call your next special eating a bag of

of dicks yeah eating a bag of dicks that's it it's just uh it's such a hard when you i don't like anything organized like that was why i ended up doing this fucking racket anyway right because if you thought i was going to get up at eight in the morning and be your job at every morning i just don't know that seems so insane to do it it i i I could probably make it Monday for sure. After that, I'll do like 8.30, 9. There'll be 1, 12 o'clock. Yeah.

Because, you know, one night you go to the comedy store, you twist one up. It's all over to show. A couple of red venos. You should have lived, grew up in London or England. Because, you know, by the time, like, because what I hear is, like, the first day they work. Second day, they go to the pub for lunch. It's kind of a Wednesday, Wednesday, long lunch. Thursday, they're going to half day, because they're already.

in the bag, and then Friday just don't even count on any communication at all. And yet, they were an empire for so long. No, I don't, I didn't like... Do you still stay out really late now? No. You don't. You go right back home. No. You got the kid. Yeah.

And the house wakes up at 615 whether you want to or not. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? It's not even up to you no more. Sometimes, I don't mind getting up early. Like, I don't mind it. I'll work my... Like, if I got a spot at the store, it's got to be early. Get me out of there by 11 so I could go to bed by 1230.

Right. I could live on 6 for a day or 2 and then get a good 10 or a 9 or an 8 and I'm back to normal. You can sleep for 10 hours straight. I did the other day for the first time in 10 years. Glorious. I could not. I had help, though. Right.

I ate like 200 edibles. I hate like. You're waking up every 20 minutes. There's this thing called Quick Zs. They sell it in urban trees. It's just a little two-ounce drink. It tastes like Kool-Aid. You drink that.

Okay. It's got like extra melatonin. Anything that puts you to sleep naturally, it's got, it's in there but heavy. But there's... With 100 milligrams of THC. Right. To really knock your fucking head. How long does it last?

I don't get up and pee in the middle of night no more You just whizz all over yourself That's the main thing for me Is not getting up to pee Going to bed Drinking water Yeah And being able to hold it in

And like if I could get from midnight to seven Without a pee Like if I could get up at seven and pee I'm good I'll get another hour out of it till eight Because of what's been going on The last three weeks With the school and stuff

the week before they got let out to go to school I was supposed to go back to New York to shoot added scenes for the soprano prequel and I was losing it Joe I was losing it

Bowles a call time no no no I had to go to New York I did not want to go to New York in the middle of this pandemic right and I could see it coming every day I'm like it's not gonna

when then they started shooting on Wednesday I'm like obviously these motherfuckers aren't paying the for the news. Then New Rochelle got smothered and that's right next to all the places I'm going to be shooting. And then Thursday it's spreading worse. You know, Trump, he doesn't know what to do and I'm calling him going,

guys, are you sure you want us to fly back east? Because I don't think we're going to, at first my fear was not getting back. And that week, I had to do extreme measures to fall asleep. Like there was two nights, there was one night I, I stayed up a little while. I had a little stress over taking the flight. And then the next night it was the night I drank the

whole tube with a bunch of edibles and usually all right. So I play on the computer this way like everybody at home does, right? Like straight up. So if I fall asleep, I'll just fall asleep like this and I'll put my head up and look at the computer and see what time it is.

Are you playing a game on the computer? I'm watching YouTube. I'm listening to YouTube on my computer but I'm typing on the iPad. You are. I'm listening to the YouTube on the big

Apple, but I have the iPad and I'm typing in, you know, jokes, whatever. Yeah. Trying to clean up shit that's not going to work. And then I didn't even feel myself. Get to position B. Right. This is position B.

That's a good position to wake up it. That's not too bad if you just lay your head on this, on the thing. Are you drooling all over the place? No, not at all. Now there's position C. Position C is when you're away from the computer, and you just lounced in your own lap, right?

So last week, two weeks ago, I actually woke up in position D, which is right from here where the chair swivels, and I just fall on for the floor. And there's a heater, and that's how I woke up. The heater was burning all my back pubic hair. Does your daughter walk in and go, Dad's dead? No, no, no. Oh, she's embedded fucking 9 o'clock.

Right. This is going on at 11, 11.30. She never comes out of that room in the middle of night. Did you ever read that thing by Steve Martin when he took Ambien? And because some people sleepwalk on Ambien, where he, when you could online gamble for money, when you could do that a few years ago. I don't know.

He, like, was gambling and he went to bed, took an Ambien. And then the next day he went to go play poker again. And he noticed there was more. money in his account. And so he went and looked back in his history and he had gotten up for two hours and played poker from like 4 to 6 a.m. And had no idea he had played and he won during that time. So if I were him, I would have just taken an ambient and sat down.

I don't know. I don't like the ambience. Yeah, that's, I tried a while ago and I just didn't like it one time. And it just wasn't for me. Oh, it's like when I fly out of New York, especially those early flights of the overnight flights. Yeah, taking an Ambien. No Xanax for you?

I've never taken to Xanax in my life. You rather go with the Ambien? Someone said that Xanax, actually this guy who worked for the company that sold it. He was like, stick with Ambien because Xanax is very habit for me. And I was like, this is coming from the guy who sells it. Very habit for me. And he goes, you don't want to, he goes, you don't want to mess with it too much.

And I was like, okay, good to know. I will just have more wine. I'll have another glass of wine, please. But do you take Xanax? I'll take a Xanax. I'll take the point two fives. Would you take that with the sleep thing? Oh, yeah.

Does your heart stop for like an hour or an hour and a half during the night? No wonder you're not paying it. If I take an edible and I go out into a public place like guns and roses or something like that, I'm going to need a Xanax at some point in the night. So I'll bring two of those footballs with me, that little footballs. They're 0.2-5s. I don't know. They're nothing.

I do them before comedy. And does it take the edge off? Takes the edge off. Like if I have to go to the comedy store, nine other ten times, my wife washes them. I don't even take them. I forget to take them.

So sometimes I go to the store and I have a little anxiety on the drive and I'll just power through it. And then once I get down and the anxiety goes away. Sometimes it comes back and I'm covered. So wait, what did you say your wife did? your wife, you said she, are you, did you say, maybe I'm sorry, but you said she washes it?

Or what was your? I leave him in my jeans and she washes most of them. I forget to take them. Right. Because I try not to take them so you don't get hooked on. Right, right, right. So there's a benzo addiction. So what I do is I'll put two in my jeans and then I'm not have to remember to take them out and put them back in the tin.

There's nights I'm leaving for the store and I'm starting to get anxiety. I go, let me bring them with me just in case I have a full, blown attack. So you still get nervous on stage? Oh, no. Before. Really? Before. And it's just no fun. No. So there's got like the last real big anxiety attack I got was

June 2nd, March 2nd at the store. Because after I went to Vegas on the 29th, they said Vegas was at 50%. The coronavirus was already starting. People were paying attention. Right. But we weren't. And also I'm like, how could Vegas be 50% in February. Yeah, what's happened?

They said that, and I went to the airport when I was the third guy in the TSA line. And I'm like, okay. Things are changing. Things are changing. Something's not right. I landed and I told my wife, I went online, I did a little research, you know,

and then I went to the store Tuesday night. And I went into the main room, listen to me. And I walked around that edge. And when I opened the green room to the main room, there was 18 people in there talking and no windows. That sets me off. Huh.

Why do you think that door is open? Well, I'm going to be the first to be shot because my back's the door. No, no, no, no, because I don't want to get anything. All this shit is put an anxiety on me. Huh. It puts like a silent anxiety on it. Do you, when the door closes on a plane, do you? Not at all.

Doesn't bother you. Not yet. I know. I've told people for years I don't even understand how I get on a plane My love for comedy And for doing what I do Over

Over Whatever rides to fear Do you think it's because you got a job to do And you have to go to the place And that's the thing that gets me there Yeah, you got to tape me an hour Before the car is coming So let's say my flight's at 6.30

Come to my house at 3 and see what I look like I'm not happy Wow I'm not happy. It's so interesting. I put my sleep at me, the machine away. I'm not happy.

Once I get in the Uber, I'm happy. What do you like the second you walk off stage? I'm fucking happy I was there. This is tremendous. Thank God I'm not a pussy. I didn't listen to myself

and cancel the weekend. If you do two shows in a night is did you have anxiety between the shows? No. Because once you get one done? Once I get one done, I'm good. It's that first one that is just horrid.

And sometimes it isn't. Sometimes it isn't. It's a 50-50 toss-up. I'm never going to know how to react. I do always get anxiety before I go on stage. What level it is, that's what I can control. So if I walk into that green room at the store and I see you and there's a few other people there and you haven't gone on yet, are you in a mild state of anxiety?

I'm in a mid-state of anxiety. You're talking to me about your kids and your kids. your life and I love you to death, but I don't know what the fuck you're talking about. Right. I'm just yes and you're just like, great. I'm listening to the audience and I'm listening to my anxiety building. I can hear people talking in there, but it's like Chinese. Right.

It's like Charlie Brown music. That's so interesting. Once I go on stage, the Charlie Brown music disappears. Then I run out of there and I go. there and I go to the kitchen. I decompress a little bit. Now I'm ready for fucking Satan. Right.

Now I don't give a fuck. Bring them on. I already got, I already jumped in the fucking Hudson River. If you do multiple sets in a night, not shows, but if you go like, I'm going to go here and I'm going to go,

do you, after the first one, do you have any anxiety? No. If you're headed into the improv or something. It's the first one. Yeah. That first one. But throughout the years,

I've had to cut down more in anxieties. Because there was always something with me. It was always something. There's too many people with white hair in the audience. There's too many women in the audience. So that's why I trained. What would too many women in the audience do? And what is too many?

I don't know. It's your mind playing tricks on you when you're a comic. It's called what the great art of war, not Zun Su, the other guy that wrote the book about writing, he calls resistance. It's our own body telling us, you know, the chicken out to be a coward. It's like you have a thousand stories that you want to write.

Right. You write three pages and you move on. You don't think there's a plot. There's a plot there. You wouldn't have wrote it. That's your intention. But now your mind throws a thousand reasons at you why you shouldn't do it. So it's weird.

Like, I'll tell you the first time I, because you're from up there, I cut my teeth in Seattle. What do you mean by cut my teeth? I did like four years ago. comedy but where I started performing for real audiences was Seattle and that's where my anxiety started so I took the uh the ferry the Bremerton yeah Bremerton used to have a room up there for the Navy isn't the Navy yeah heavily stocked up absolutely that's where they keep their submarines yep because it's the deepest point but they keep a lot they also keep them on would-be island right

would be island so you could shoot straight down to fucking the universe down yeah so I I still remember doing that room. He was a great guy, the guy that ran Bremerton, but he always had an older clientele. I was dirty, too. When I'm talking old, I'm talking like 44. So I'm going up there talking about pussy and eating assholes and whatever the fuck I'm talking about.

I would look at the audience, like the little fucking curtain, and I would go, I'm going to bomb. I always had a reason for why I was going to bomb. There was too many open. people there was too many women there was too many young people they look like Christians you know now now I can tell how that

what a Christian looks like I'm a fucking swami all of a sudden right you know I would make so I would add anxiety on to me over the years you say fuck the people that are old fuck the young people you fuck them if they're none you know a lot of the audience right you know

there's times people come back then go uh Joe please be a little consider it in your acting there's a table of 18 gay men and to the owner he's scared to me welcome to my world that's the first ones I'm going after

you know what I'm saying or it could be Joe be careful what you're saying there's a table of 18 nuns out there or 18 rabbis how are you going to act you know what are you going to say are you going to play to them

use them to your advantage walk them you know, in my world, I would, 18 rabbis, that's it, I'm going to JET, you know, I would, I would give myself all these excuses. But most of the time, you were successful. I mean, 50% at that point. Okay. You were, I was improvising, I was fucking around.

So if you did, if it didn't go well, would you go, yep, that's exactly what I thought would happen. I knew I was going to bomb. That table of white-haired people fucked me up, all that. Oh, I was part of that for a while. You're like, yep, that's exactly. Exactly how I thought it would go. Yeah, I blamed the audience.

And would it, then when it would go, when it would go well, would you have the, would you still beat yourself up? No. Like, well, that was a fluke. Or would you be like, exactly. I would kill them. I would go, yeah, that was a fluke. Oh my God. I made the lesbians laugh.

They didn't realize that people going to the lap, no matter what they are. They're not going. I was going on stage thinking I was going to get attacked every time I went on stage. you know, you just learn. It's just years. Could you imagine if you're a jet fighter pilot and every time they like, well, I can't believe it. I actually blew up another jet.

I meant to shoot that thing down. I didn't think it was going to happen. I thought I was just going to crash this thing. If they had the same attitude that comics had. It's fucking crazy. What about what was acting to get nervous then? Fuck yeah. Yeah.

Fuck yeah. You walk out and fucking shake the Niro's hands. Hey, do you want to rehearse? No, not really. Yeah, yeah, I want to rehearse, yeah. And you go through your lines, and he don't know his lines, you know. His assistant gives him his lines. I get nervous at every level.

But then after you do the first one of the first 10 takes, I remember I was shooting and analyze that. It was just beat by myself with Anthony Limpaglant. It must have taken an hour to say one line. For you. Because I was focused on my set later on that night. Oh. That's why if I have shooting a movie, no more nothing, comedy gets canceled.

Don't, well, on the side of, hey, you don't have to care, wouldn't it help if you had that distraction like later that night and be like, oh, I got this acting thing because I got this other thing? Or was it a that's taking up all my brain space and I'm not focusing enough? It sounds like it was a second. Well, it was six o'clock and my show started at eight. I'm shooting in Connie, New Jersey and the fucking comedy club. and whatever, I forget where it was. It was like 40 minutes away. Right.

And we kept doing this scene, and we did it so much with so many different angles that I started forgetting the lines. Why did they shoot it so much? Because it was fucking De Niro and Hal Ramis, Harold Ramis. Right. They shot the shit out of everything. You know, there's some directors that shoot this shit out of everything. They shoot it so much that you actually start fucking up the scenes.

I yeah I know what you mean They fucking shoot him so much that now You're like you start to break down I'm going guys really Well now we're gonna switch it to this view He's gonna get on top of helicopter Go fuck yourself Clinice does three takes

Okay yeah and he's been doing this for 100 fucking years Three takes One for you one for him And one for the fucking camera that's it move on Let's switch the fucking angle But there's some people who drive you fucking crazy Yeah, I mean, there's some people that learn the scene on the day while they're shooting it, and it takes them 15 takes before they're good.

You're like, oh, they just learn these lines. They don't know them. Now they know them. Now the scene's cooking. You know what I mean? I always, since day one, because I come from the stand-up world, I've always been prepared to go. That's more than half of the whole thing. Even when I was a fucking junkie, I was.

prepared to go. You know, I got there. I already knew my lines from the night before. I knew where the scene was going. If I wanted to improvise, I could improvise. Something I learned after like 2007 was, the more famous the person was, the less

prepared he was. And it really pissed me to fuck off. Like, I was in shock that I raised my hand. I could never say nothing to a famous actor. But I realized that some of these guys they just go from movie to movie. Yeah. They just go from movie to movie.

It's not like it was 20 years ago, 30, when Eddie Murphy did 48 hours in 82, trading places in 83, and something else in 84. Now they got you going from one project to the other. I don't want to drop names here or whatever. I could tell you five guys that I've been with that they didn't look at the script.

to the first day of the shoot. Oh, yeah. They accepted this movie without even looking at the script. They had like an assistant read it or something. No, it's great. It's a pretty good script. I like the scenes where you and the rock are great or whatever, and they don't even read.

I'm telling you. Yeah. Oh, no. I just did this movie and they were telling me a story about Alec Baldwin and that kid Kyle LeBow What's his name?

Shial LaBoe They were doing a play Did you hear about this? No Doing a play in New York In some theater And the first day Fucking Alec Baldwin shows up

And they're rehearsing He's got a script And Shalabalgo goes cut What's going on with the script? You gotta be off book, man When you come here the first day I hadn't heard this you gotta be off buck

Alec Baldwin said was like the motherfucker is this guy to talk to me like that no I'm gonna talk to you this way bro you're a fucking lead you gotta be off book when was this this was like a year ago

two years ago and then it just continued like he came in the next day this motherfucker was off book again he said something to him again then Alex Baldwin teaches at an NYU master class on Mondays

guess is Charlotte Beau did. Showed up to the class. Showed up in the classroom. And raised his hand and said, what are you calling an actor that comes unprepared to the set? I did not know. And then a couple days later,

he showed up his house. And when Alec Boe would pull up in front of his building, Shilaboh was there with his script and said, make sure you know it tomorrow. So do you understand me? That's the mentality I came from. And it's Alex. And you know, Alex had to go with his life.

Alec had to go to. What is he going to say to Charlotte Bow? He'll stab you 18 times. He's a guy that slashes himself for a movie role. Where's a bag on his head? What do you think he's going to do to you? You know what I'm saying? So, I mean, and I'm not mad at Shiala Bow for that because that's a norm.

Yeah. I've seen a thousand of those guys walking on the set and go, what am I on? And the first day, you're like, are you fucking kidding me? There was a motherfucker that I got one of the thing was I would love to throw him under the bus, but I can't. This guy's a well-known star. I met him at Wardrobe. I was a gentleman to him.

He was a gentleman to me. He was very nice the first day. The third or fourth day, I went to shoot with him. When I got to my trailer, they changed the lines. I went up to him in Wardrobe. I didn't go up to him. He was next to me in the chair. He said, good morning.

I said, good morning. I don't say Dick to nobody. And after about 10 minutes, he goes, you see they did a scene change I go yeah if you want after this makeup we could go outside

and run the lines dog he looked at me like I called him a racial slur he looked at me and then turned his head and kept getting worked out I said okay maybe he knows something

I don't know maybe he's Stanislavski that whole morning he fucked up his lines food was coming out of his knob he was eating off camera and then try to do the scene and food was spitting out of his mouth and then we started torturing to his face

like people started making little remarks I had to make a remark because you looked at me like I was fucking Muhammad Gandhi you fuck so it was so then you went after so everyone's going after him while he's acting he's going after him everybody's making a little remarks but is he hearing any of this stuff

I guess so you have to have to have to fucking eight hours on the same scene yeah I remember what do you mean he's eating while he like in the scene he has to eat no no no no he's just like hold on sec I got to no no no he would do the scene but in between the scene there was food on the table for us to make believe we're eating oh I would take little pieces and eat it like that and they would have to cut put the piece of cheese back and then cheese would come out of his mouth in between the takes I can't wait to hear what this is after this is it was just fucking hilarious it was just so I've been used to it yeah last couple movies I've done with big names, oh my God, as soon as they get there, they don't even look, they just opened up the script then,

and they're like, but then you've obviously dealt with some people that when they showed up, it was, it was on. Oh, yeah. Some, those are the greatest people to work with. When they come looking for you, like when I'm a fucking shithead comic,

you knock on my door and go, you want to rehearse the scenes, my dick gets hard. Yeah. When I did Spider-Man, too, that motherfucker knocked on my door like three or four times just to go over one line. Pretty good. Alfred Molina.

Alfred Molina. Alfred Molina. So this day, he's got all my respect. That guy was, there's just some motherfuckers that teach you how to act. You're like, oh, shit. That's when you can feel. Oh, shit.

Yeah, that's when the air changes in the room. That's when the weather. Yeah, that's when you go, oh, this motherfucker's throwing. We got a new, yeah. Well, Joel, you've been on, like, sets for months and months at a time. What is it, as someone who hasn't acted, what is it like when someone comes in and doesn't remember their lines? Or does it, like, because I hear stories from Joey of 14, 16 hour days.

If you're doing that for three months at a time and someone's just dragging it on, it must get annoyed. I was on community for nine months out of the year for six, well. Nine months, wow. was it I guess it was more eight and a half we have me just when you added it all up it was so much time but and that our scenes we were shooting movies for every episode so it was uh it wasn't like a lot of these documentaries like uh parks and wreck or the office which is a wonderful style but ours was movie like it was they shot it yeah uh and we had a lot of lines and there were you know i'm sure you've heard some stories about uh a cast member who does like um it doesn't know their lines and it just slow you know just changes the whole day and they had to shoot him out and uh it it it's he didn't really want to me I'm talking about Chevy uh who was so funny when it worked and then uh but at a lot of the times he didn't he he he had a really hard time learning him uh but because there was there was a lot of lines no doubt but

but but so they would kind of shoot him out and that would kind of change the day and and It just was a system we kind of got used to. And, yeah, I'm sure he'll hear this and love it. But, but, because he always thought he kind of knew him, but he didn't really. And so it was, it would be, it would be like, it would be definitely tough. I mean, I'm being, you can see how politically I'm being, but it was tough. If you watch some of the scenes, it's him, just a single shot of him. But he could be so funny.

And that was the, that's what sucked is that he could be very, very, very. funny. Now, community's coming back. It just got sold to Netflix. Netflix. I saw it. Congratulations. Well, they're selling it apparently everywhere.

Okay. It's on Hulu, and now it's on Netflix. But you're not going to start reshooting anymore. They have, people have circulated rumors around were shooting more episodes, but I was like, I'll wait for that call. I haven't gotten the call yet. But, yeah, it would be crazy. If we could get Donald to do it, that would be even crazier.

I think he's the busiest man in Hollywood, or he was the business man. Hollywood until everything stopped. But yeah, I think he was supposed to be shooting Atlanta for the next four months. But yeah, I mean, I'd do it. You should come on. I love to. It'd be great. Good show.

So, I don't know. It's one of those things where you hear rumors and like, oh, they're going to do a movie. I was like, I look forward to the call where they tell me I'm doing this movie. But so far, I haven't gotten that call. You know, when I got into this, I got into this for the lazy. part of being a stand-up. You know, I wanted to check out. I had a failed marriage.

What year was that? This is 90. I had gone to prison. I really had no future. They wouldn't let me back at the University of Colorado, you know. So when I got into stand-I mean, I had a job and stuff, and I was a functioning member of society. Not really, but part-time.

I was a roofing estimator and stuff. I had a good job. You know, I bought a condo. stuff like that, but it just wasn't, my life wasn't, something was missing, you know, and you were like 20 something at this point? I got into comedy, I stepped on stage when I was 28 years old, the first time, and I knew, I knew right then, like, everything just clicked, like, I knew I had read, uh, ladies and gentlemen, Lenny Bruce when I was locked up, and everything made sense when I got off stage,

you know, then you move out here and they tell you, well, you know, you know, if you want to do this you have to act I went to acting classes I was a really good student I went to cold reading workshops I mean trust me I put everything I just just didn't walk on the set and right no I love doing what I was doing I like the freedom of stand up I come I go I get on the plane I get to eat something new for the weekend you know all that shit yeah acting over the years has become, I don't know. It wasn't what I felt about it. And it,

stand the past some shitty people in it, you know, everything that we do has good and bad people. Yeah. You know, I couldn't overcome the acting thing after a while. I got a little sick and tired of the director that showed up with the hat with the feather and the Chinese assistant and the tattoo of the bird and everybody had to see it. I got a little sick of all that face shit. Like, it just got on my nerves after a while.

And then the breaking point was 2009 to me when I was shooting a commercial. The director was just obnoxious, man. And he was saying, he was calling the crew people stupid. Oh, like one of those guys, I know. Have you ever run into one of those days where the guy thinks he's John Claude Grandin? Yeah. He's smoking a cigarette.

He's just yelling. and asking people, are you, did you, do you know how to read? He was one of those guys. I'm like, oh, it's going to be a heavy night. And we were in Long Beach, and there was a commercial for the food chain, not the Carl's Jr.

Okay. And Carl's Jr. has a cousin, don't they? Hardys. So it was. Wow. How the hell did you know that? I have a lot of Coles Jr. He has a lot of Carl's Jr.

So he's got stocking Carl's Jr. I had to go to Long Beach. I went with a great attitude, you know. What the fuck doesn't have a great attitude? You're about to shoot a national commercial. Yeah, you're going to make a bunch of money? Are you fucking kidding me? Yeah.

I was whistling Dixie. And as soon as I get there, I see this guy, and I can tell, I go, if he's the director, we're in for a long night. Sure I know. He was a director, you know. And I just saw how he was talking to people. He was abusing his own assistant, which really pisses me off

out of the bat. You're going to hire an assistant. You're probably underpaying her. You're telling her this is going to she's going to meet worldly people. You know the line they give those assistants. And now you're treating me like shit in front of people.

Holy shit. So I was like, you know what? I'm not going to say nothing. I went out there, I shook his hand like a man, and the other guy. And that's when the drama started. We had to pull up with an SUV onto a car, and the guy was dead.

like he was eating a chicken parmesan sandwich and when we went up he just played like he was dead because he had the sauce all over his shirt that was it I pull up and we get out we look but they had the car lit inside so somewhere or no they disconnected the fucking brakes no that'll do it so we got out of the car and the fucking RV is going down Long Beach

down the fucking pier and the guy's like doesn't anybody know how to put on a break I go I put the break on and just second time it happened again and he made a remark the third time he made it in the fourth time he's like what are you fucking stupid and I go hey you motherfucker and I just went off

on him I go the tech guy even tried it the brakes are off who the fuck are you to call me stupid you dumb motherfucker and he fucking ran into his trailer and locked himself with his trail and said I was fired bitch it's 3.30 in the morning yeah who are you

you're going to call? The second choice? Yeah. And everybody was just staying around for like 10 minutes. Like, we don't know what to do. You really heard his feelings. I'm like, fuck him. And half the staff was like, way to go. Yeah, you bet. Thank you. That guy's

a fucking dick. Like, this was the last of the three commercials. Like, they had shot like three nighttime commercials. The staff was sick of this guy already. Yeah. And I went up, a little Japanese girl was outside shaking. She was scared like he doesn't want to see you right now and I just banged on the door I go listen you got

a hundred people out here waiting for you to work do you want to keep being a pussy all your life you're going to keep being a fucking man this is very easy we could shoot this and you could be a man all right and he came out and he's like nobody's ever spoken me like that well you watch how you speak to people you called me stupid motherfucker you got the wrong fucking guy I don't need this job Let's finish the commercial He was a little bitch He shot me out and they sent me home That was it

I never took shit from nobody again I was like that's it That's it Who was it? Who was it? I don't know what his name was I don't know what his name Then there's another dick at CBS Another old guy that thinks he's Johnny

Fucking director He's just living on reputation Last time I worked for him I had mentioned something to him to An old guy I don't know what his name is I know what to get, they even out of them on CBS. And I said something to him.

Because I'm in my trailer trying to rest. And I'm listening. I'm here born in the USA. Fucking loud and fuck. I go out there. I'm like, what the fuck is this? I thought the director's good friends with Bruce Springsteen. What do I give a fuck?

What do I give a fuck with his good friends with? Lower the shit. I'm from the good side of Jersey, not the Springsteen side of Jersey. And fucking the director heard it. He said something to me later on. The show got canceled anyway. What was the show? the Scalar Brothers won it

It was a CBS show Oh yeah Yeah The Scalar brothers won It was like a show I played a guy at the DMV Julie whatever brought me in to read Yeah

Julie I forget what her name is She has all the comedy shows on CBS Oh yeah Yeah yeah absolutely So she brings me in I book them from time to time But that's what got to me I didn't like the attitude

Of the directors I didn't like their attitude You know, I don't like when people have that Sabwafare. I went to USC fucking attitude. Listen, stupid, Queen Latifah walked out of the jungle. She's acting, all right? Relax. You ain't that special.

Relax with Stanislavski and the method. You ain't that special. Ice Cube walked out of fucking the jungle over here. Crenshaw. Hasn't he been on ice gun law and order SVU for three years? You don't see him doing Shakespeare at the park. So relax. it's not that much that we need all this fucking drama to act.

And when you get a good director, it's... It's phenomenal. It's magic. Their attitude permeates everything. It's magic. It's magic. It's like the lead actor. Yeah, it's magic.

Yeah. We were very lucky on community, but I remember this one guy. He wasn't a director. He was in charge. He was a... Gosh, he was like a filling guy, and I had to... I've rarely done this, but I pulled him into my trailer. And I was just like, what are you doing?

What's happening? Explain to me why you're being like this. And he was like, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry. And I was like, just don't do it again and treat people well. And then there won't be a problem. And he's like, you're not firing me? I'm like, no, I will next time. But let's just be cool, all right?

Really? Yeah. And I was like smiling at him. What was he doing now? Because you seem like a nice... Well, we had this guest director who was brilliant. who's very good director, but he was, he's British and, uh, it's not Tristram Shapiro. Tristram was, uh, listens to this. Um, but the guy, he was in charge, he wasn't, maybe he was the,

he was like a guest second AD. So he was now it, because second it, maybe he was, I can't, he was high up on the list of people work and I can't remember what his position was, but every time the British director would make some suggestion. I hear the guy go, and just see him like roll his eyes and then I could see other people noticing that and then I was just like okay come into the trailer let's talk about it but I didn't scream at him I just was like hey no I treat it as like do you have a problem this is I try to treat it like it's a counseling session we'll be like you got something going on did your dad just did he touch you and uh whatever it and then that gets them to kind of go oh I'm so sorry and then I was

just don't ever. I didn't go like, don't ever do it again. I'm just like, all right, so we're good. And I was like, I'm not going to do it again. So we're good. And then hopefully that, then he was great. He was fine for the rest of the shoot. But, oh, yeah.

You'd like to work with Mr. Steven Soderberg, who I got very lucky to because he only does two takes. Really? And he operates the camera. There's no video village. You'd love it. Really? You walk into a room, you're like, oh, there's four of us.

There's Mr. That was my first ever, my first movie like that. And I was like, oh, so there's no, there's no camp. There's no group of people all watching 20 different monitors. He's like, no, just me. I'll tell you what else was different. And I don't mean to sound like a douchebag of nothing. You know where I had one shooting experience that was very good?

Where? New York. Have you ever shot in New York? Once. Well, for the summer, it was called Deliverous from Evil with Eric Banna, directed by Scott Derrickson. And what did you think? How long were you there for? Three months? Well, I guess when you added all up, it was probably a month and a half, but I was like there. Back and forth, back up.

There was. Did you notice the shoots to be a little different? Like, there wasn't that much smoke being blown up your ass like there is here. Like, I think here, that's what else bothers me. that's why I really I like doing TV but I'd rather do a drama if I do TV I don't like that fucking fake laugh shit

and I like live audiences I love taping in front of live audiences I've shot pilots where they were done in front of live audiences I like that I love that stuff that is great you know I was with all this stuff going on right now

I really wanted to do like at first I said maybe we'll do a pay-per-view and put some comics together and stream it. You know what, man, I was watching tonight with John, whatever, on HBO. Yeah. He didn't have an audience, and the show was horrible. Oh, I kind of liked it.

The other night? Yeah. Without the audience? I was like, oh, my God, it feels kind of weird. I didn't watch it this week. I don't think it was on this Sunday. I think it was on this. It was on this.

Wait, so you didn't like it without the audience? The one last week, well, it was a different set. It was very strange. It was very strange. It was very strange. It was very strange. So that's why I was... But I always like, that one joke he told about how to...

Oh, he was funny as fuck. Yeah. He was funny as fuck. Don't... John Oliver cracks me to fuck up. I watch that show every single. Really? I'm surprised.

Oh, John Oliver cracks me up. John Oliver, when he bumps rap shit, I lose my fucking mind. When he starts... It's like the idea I was watching office space. Just the beginning of office space. And the one dude's driving the work. And they flashed to the other dude, motherfucker. But then there's a black homeless guy, and he closes his window.

I love all that shit. Like that type of stuff, he was talking something about the week before bumping Tupac or something. I love John Oliver. But I noticed how weird it was without the audience. It was definitely... It was weird. He was funny as fuck.

I always laughed my ass off. That joke about how to distance yourself from people, just pretend you're a British parent was so... Oh, my God. I forgot about that. He's like, just pretend. His throwaway shit

is what kills me. Yeah. Not the straight-up shit. Like, the first joke of his gets me a little bit, I'm waiting for his tags. And his last tag

is always a bad motherfucker. Oh, it's... Like, his last tag is always like, whoa! Like, that's it. Case is closed. Then he starts all over again.

And he lullabies you. Yeah. But you don't expect a guy that looks like that to talk that way. Like, I don't, I expect him to be geeky and to talk to me about triglyceries and shit. He's out there fucking throwing knowledge. So that's why I enjoy it. But that's why I didn't want to do stand up just to a fucking camera. I'd rather talk, come in here and talk to a camera and go, guys, keep your lives together, you know, go out and mug somebody.

Go get a gallon of the milk. I don't fucking know. You're originally from Seattle. How are they doing up there? I lived in New Jersey for two years, guys. Did you really? As a child. Growing up?

Yeah, we bounced around a little bit, but we ended up. I loved it. Haddonfield, New Jersey, outside of Cherry Hill. Oh, that's nice. That's white people. It's civilized. I'm from up north with those animals up there. Weekans and Dominicans, you know.

Cubans, they're fucking animals. I was like, why does people say New Jersey's awful? That's nice down there. That's nice down there. No, but Seattle's where I grew up. And I didn't know how great it was growing up. I was like, now I look back. I was like, oh, we had, it was a paradise.

You were there for all the grunster? All that. I graduated from high school in 91 when, never mind came out. It was. And you loved it all? You were in? I loved it all. I went to it all.

Mother love bone. All that. I love. You went to that shit, too? I never saw Mother Lovebone. I would love to. I would like, Who'd you see up there?

I saw Nirvana's last show in Seattle. No, you did. That was pretty good. I used to watch Jane's Addiction get booed off state. Not James, excuse me. Allison Chains get boot off stage. Because this band called the Young Fresh Fellows was more popular at the time. And I remember Lane Staley, who were trying to screaming at the audience going,

this is fucking great music. And people were like, get the fuck off stage. We want the Young Fresh Fellows. And then the young fresh fellows, they were the band in Seattle until Grunch really came in and like the posies and, well, of course, Nirvana and Pearl Jam and Soundgarden, but still sanitizing. You got to sanitize always. Every hour on the hour. But no, it was, you were there for part of it. I got there in 95.

Yeah. And it was just fucking brutal. It was just amazing. Just, you know, one time the singer from Pearl Jam went to Al-Qaeda eat. Yeah, a little diner there. Because on the tail end of Al-Qaeda, this is 95. So it was a bike replaced. And on Wednesday night, it was Taco Night.

Fucking the best tacos in the world. Tons of people. And Al-Qi, you just walk down the boardwalk or you could walk on the sidewalk. Right. And towards the end, all the way where I lived, like a block away was a little diner. and I got up that morning and when I went to get in the car, I looked and it was like,

to not exaggerate, there was maybe 50 people standing outside because Eddie Vetter was eating breakfast in the corner table. Could you imagine? That is fucking crazy. I got to meet Chris Cornell's old wife.

Oh. Because she used to hang out at the comedy underground, Sue Silver. She was just hang out. Yeah, she had a friend. Somebody she knew upstairs where the old underground was. Do you know what it was?

I think it's all gone now. Yes, it's all gone by the stadium. Yeah, so many of the year. And then there was an earthquake in 2001, I think. Up there? Yeah, that wrecked a lot of. Yes, that's right. Didn't knock them down, but they were all old and they got condemned and that was that.

I still remember being at the underground doing comedy and there was a club down the corner that was very well kept. No windows. Nobody really knew about it. Hart was performing. Huh? Hart would rehearse that. And now that's why I always hear like Hart and Chris Cornell.

I'm like, how does Hart and Chris? Oh, fuck, that's right. Hard is from Seattle. Yeah, they started bad animals. They started bad animals or something up there. When's the last time you win? When the judge asked me to leave. Oh, no.

January of 97. You've got to get, why haven't you done comedy up there? Because I have got a warrant up there. Oh, you're not allowed to. No. It all started with a. jaywalking ticket in the U

district. You got a jaywalking ticket in the U district? Four of them came up to me on bicycles and skid out like I had committed a crime. You would have thought I'd kill somebody. Wow. With bicycles pulled up next to me, there used to be a

movie theater in the U. district. So not the U district is this way. Bruce Lee's school was over here and all this shit. Yeah. If you went that way, like there was a movie theater. You mean the Neptune, the big old one? There's an old one where I went to see... Neptune

was old. Yeah, old. I went to see things to do in Denver when you're dead there and a couple other movies. Then there was a bigger one. That's where I went to see the bodyguard and dumb shit like that. Wasn't the grand illusion. That was a tiny one. Oh my God, I was... So you walked across the street, these cops? Started with a

jaywalking ticket. It just escalated after that, just escalated. Then the jaywalking ticket, I didn't go to court because I figured who gives the fuck about a Jay Walker ticket. They came and got me. They've knocked on your door. And said, do you have a $300 warrant? They handcuffed me with pajamas on,

took me down there, and then I got in trouble with a girl. We got into an argument, so they said there was harassment that we were yelling at each other over a parking spot. Oh, my gosh. Then I got accused of having a stolen car. I was selling cars at a dealership,

and they gave me a car to drive, over the weekend. I got pulled over. It registered stolen. It wasn't stolen. The bank had, so it was held in the weekend. I just had the worst two years of my life up there. So if you go up there now, you get

arrested for what? Failing to go to anger management class in 1997. If anyone in Seattle is listening, if there's a judge up there, I know you guys are very busy right now, but please allow Joey back to see the place.

Can you fucking believe that? That is crazy. So I can go to Portland. It's a non-extraditional warrant. I can basically go to Portland and Idaho. I can't go to Seattle. And it was, this was, I got into a fist fight at the comedy,

at the underground, which really wasn't my fault at all. But it violated the probation for the fucking harassment thing. So this is what fucked me up even more. I got arrested at anger management class because I got into a fist, man. It had nothing to do with me.

So other than the assault, the harassment, and the Grand Theft Auto... What the Grand Theft Auto would drop because it was the car was never stolen. They pulled me over on a Friday night. I just left work. I'm like, why did you pull me over? They said, your plates come up stolen.

I go, they can't. They're a dealer plate. He goes with that car. the VIN, whatever, and they figured out the plate wasn't stolen the car, and they let me out Monday. It cost me a weekend in my life. That's not on my record. Jeez. You got to get up there. You would not believe it. And the attorney that fucking got me out of my mess ran the scam. What was the scam? She got me on a... She noticed that Seattle hadn't done a background check on me, and they didn't know about my felony in Colorado.

So she got the felony pushed through in Seattle, a misdemeanor. She did like some kinky shit. She goes, they're not going to catch it. Don't worry about it. They do it's on me. They never caught it. So the funny thing was I get an article 10 years later from Ron Reed. She got this barred from being an attorney because she was fucking an inmate.

One of her clients was an inmate. She was up and thinking now she was a piece of ass. They slipped. Why isn't this a TV show? I have no idea. I got so many TV shows in my head that you wouldn't even believe. This is like Community Plus. What was the felony in Colorado?

What the fuck was the felony for in Colorado? The assault charge at the comedy underground. And then they reduced it to like misdemeanor something. But they were supposed to keep... You still had to go into prison? No, no, no, no, no. I just stayed in county jail for... Six days.

What the fuck they locked me up one time? Made bail. Yeah, Seattle was a bad luck place for me from day one. I just had bad luck. But the comedy scene was so fucking amazing. The comedy at that time was, I'm here today because of that three-year stint I didn't see. Because how good it was.

Every night. From Winachi, you know, the Tri-Cities, fucking V-Tro. All right. over the place. Everywhere. For those listening, the Tri-Cities

is not a suburb of Seattle. No. That's a four-hour drive. Yeah. I dropped to Spokane. I knew. I had a car that the exhaust was broken. So it would blow the exhaust in the car.

So I had to pull over every hour and write a suicide note because it made me dizzy and shit from breathing in the exhaust. I did my time, Joe McHale. Just like you. You did your time. I did it out.

Well, I did a improv show. I remember in Walla Walla, Walla, Washington. Walla, Walla. Oh my God. Yeah. Isn't there a prison there? Oh yeah. That's the rough prison. That's the rough prison. There's Monroe State Prison, which is like the good one. That's the one you want to go to. And then there's Walla Walla. I did improv. I improvised at Monroe State Prison as an outreach to the inmates. For the good inmates, they brought in a improv troupe and we did shows for them. What improm? It was called Unexpected Productions, part of theater sports. which was a national franchised version of a improv thing,

which was a team. It was a team. Teams of improvisers were kind of, they tried to create it like a feel like a sporting event, which it worked very well. And I learned tons. I really talk about getting on stage every single night and cutting my teeth. But yeah, we went to a prison.

And it was the greatest, they were the most well-behaved, greatest audience members we had ever. I had a pretty, because I did some like corporate gigs where you like for a law firm or something and you'd be like, what, can you give me a profession? Gynecologist, pussy. And they were like, got it, got it.

And then with the inmates, they were so well behaved because they were so happy that there was outsiders there. And then you'd meet like some nice old man and be like, well, what's he in for? He seems like the nicest man. He's like, oh, he stabbed his wife 58 times in front of his dogs. I remember that. He did what? Yeah, you'll meet. those guys in there. They're kind of nice.

Yeah. They're like old. They just kind of lose it. And then all the young guys were there. It was always, well, I got high with some friends and someone wound up dead and I didn't, I didn't snitch. And I'm like, so what happened? They're like, I don't really know. But somebody died and I'm not

going to tell on anybody. Like, okay. But it was the first time, like, people who had been there for 30 years, they'd be like, tell me about what cars are like now. And then you go like, well, they're like, Cars always were. They're like, yeah, but like the stereo and like you can explain.

And I was like, oh, right, you don't have any of this stuff. So strange to explain. Yeah. They were sweet guys. And they were all in the program to do very like to get out. But I remember like one woman, she was like, oh yeah, that guy just got in. He just, it was like he killed three people in a drive by. And he was like, he's in for life.

I was like, oh my gosh. I was like, how old was he? They're like, he was tried in as adult. He's 17. I'm like, okay? Wow. Yeah. Crazy times.

It really is a crazy time. What are you got coming up, man? You're looking at it. Everything is postponed. Really? Isn't everything you're doing postponed? I had nothing. What are you talking about?

I had a couple weekends. No. I had a couple weekends. But that's it. I mean. Every, I was supposed to do, I was going to have two movies at the Tribeca Film Festival,

which I was excited about. And yeah, I mean, these are, I mean, well, you look at, obviously, I always kind of imagine we're like, right, there are ER doctors right now being infected because they're working their asses off, right? My brother's an electrician who is like trying to build, help build structures to house people that are quarantined in as fast as they possibly can. And then my other brother's a priest, so he's constantly reading people like their last rights.

So, so I'm like, yeah, my, my movie. at the Tribeca Film Festival got pushed. So I was kind of matched, but said that I was going to do that. I was going to shoot the game show, Card Sharks on ABC this summer, maybe, and that we're supposed to be shooting that literally right now.

Is that an older game show? It started in the early 70s. I remember, okay. It is the simple, I like it so much because it's the simplest game in history, but you can win. So it's like, it literally is just, yeah, okay,

you have a two. Do you think the next card we're going to pull is higher or lower? Higher. All right. There's a queen. Next card. Higher or lower. But every card that gets turned, it's another 50 grand.

And then people, I've watched people like, shit. Like, I watched this one woman win. She won about $300 grand. And she was like, I was, I was, I was, it was like a great acting moment. I was like, oh, this is what happens when you win the lottery. People go. Now, anyway, so all the standups been pushed. I had a bunch of corporate stuff.

It's all been pushed. It's all like spring break canceled all that Again there are people that have to work every day through this thing So I'm you know we're all I'm very grateful to all the first responders People that are out there yeah They're at the supermarkets I got nothing to complain about I really don't

There's nothing you can do It's funny to see people Every two hours you get a call from somebody upset And you talk them off a ledge Yeah a lot of that You get put on the ledge for an hour And you talk yourself off a ledge And that's it

It's been just adjusting, working out, writing a little bit, spending time. And we're lucky that we get to do that. Yeah. I mean, I have so many friends in the restaurant business that it's, forget it. It's done. It's good. There's no way they're going to only, there's only going to be chains after this. Because I don't know how you, if you have a decent restaurant and you own it and you don't have any income for a week, it's going to go down, let alone a month.

It's going to be very sad. I hope that. I can't, I can't, I can't, I, could you imagine what if you're, like, walking down the streets of New York right now? I would, I mean, there's, obviously a very curious, I would love to walk through, see the Spanish steps empty in Rome is so bananas. And you can't, like, you can't leave the house in New York, right? Like, I'm pretty, because I have some buddies there, and, like, they can't even go to the grocery store. They're getting everything delivered. Isn't it, it's the only delivery?

That's what, I mean, that's what, that one guy said, hey, yeah, yeah. Well, I think you can do essential, you can go shopping. You can still go, okay. There's essential things. You've got to go to your office. You got to work. You got to do little things. If not, you know, if not, I don't go out.

They don't want you to fucking go out. Right. When they say go out, just go out the fucking no way you're not supposed to be, which every place is closed. Right. Even at the park down the corner, they put cones up now. Wow. To distance people because they didn't know how to fuck the distance themselves.

Well, people are going to the beaches too. There's still people. Yeah, they lock them back. But I will say, get take out food. If you're, if you hear this. go to your local, don't go to a chain, they're going to be fine, but go to locally owned small businesses and get your takeout food or get it delivered somehow. Because they're all going to go out of it.

Your favorite restaurant is, unless it's, I don't know, unless it's the cheesecake factory, but every other restaurant's going out of business that's not a chain. So go, go support them. Just give them some money. You got it. I do. Imagine how much money Jeff Bezos is going to make in the next month. Oh my God.

Because you look at, because everyone goes like in times like these, right, all business goes down, but somebody's making money. Yeah. And if you're making a hand sanitizer or toilet paper or your Jeff Bezos, you're doing,

or you're a meal delivery, all the money. It's fucking crazy. We live in strange times. Joe, thank you for taking time. Thank you. But isn't it weird

that your daughter's going to look back at this? Oh, my God. The same way they're going to be like, oh, I remember when we could. I couldn't leave. I remember mom and dad watching the TV and being all freaked out and seeing the numbers all. He was like, they're going to look back and go, that's... She can't wrap her head around it. She knows something's off. I don't put the TV on the daytime.

Nobody puts a TV on the house in the daytime. We can put it on at five, you know. And at five, she'll watch a cartoon. And I'll watch World News tonight and then I turn it off because you can't get... You know what's going on. Yeah. You know what's going on. killing yourself with the TV. And the internet's the same thing. Yeah.

If you want to go on the internet and get a heart attack, be my fucking guest. And the meantime, my 12 year old's like, I got the 99 Russell Wilson on Madden, so I'm going to be very happy. Fuck yeah. We got a guy from the church that sends me books. I lined them up and I've been on a fucking reading spree. So I'm catching up. From the church?

Yeah. Are you a Mormon? No, no. The church of what's happened now. Oh. He listens and he sends me books. so now is a great time to fucking read.

You know, I read on planes and on the road. That's where I do my best reading when I'm on a plane because I know I'm going to be unbothered for fucking three hours. What book are you reading right now? Right now I'm finishing up the man who led Zeppelin.

It's about Peter Grant, Led Zeppelin's manager. I'm reading that to finish it because I started it like three quarters. I'm finishing it. Up next, I have a couple of, interesting books I want to read. There's one on Robert Plant.

There's one on Van Halen. Another buddy mind gaming. That's supposed to be good. Every morning I read the Art of War just to get me through this. Just not the Sun Tzu one, but the other one. Okay. The War of Art. You love it.

You love it. Yeah, it's got a lot of great points in there. They have workshops in there, little things you could do. I got to look this up. So at least it keeps your mind sharp, man. Have you read that, Andre? Legacy book open? Not yet.

Oh, yeah. Is it a good one? Okay, I know. I love tennis, but a friend who doesn't like tennis doesn't care about tennis recommended it. And I read it. No, I like biographies and stuff. I love all that shit. It is hair racing.

I love all that shit. I love reading. Nothing better for me. I like getting stoned and music is number one, but number two is getting stoned. Oh, one. So when you take the little drink, the little, the sleepy sleep time? Like Z, yeah. Do you feel groggy in the morning?

No. No. You wake up like... Ready to rock. That's why I tell people who are on opiates, you're killing yourself to live. Right. If I take 300 milligrams, four of THC, I'll wake up a little groggy, but nothing than a coffee and a Cuban coffee. because once you take a shit,

the THC leaves your body pretty much. It goes on the next cargo. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, if they examine the... So it goes on the next cargo. So that's what I don't like. Like, from time to time, I go on the road

and somebody will give me a perk or sad or whatever the fuck or something. I don't like how I feel next day. When I go to the dentist and they give you narcos, I don't like how you feel the next day. Yeah. My dad got a hip replacement. And they gave them opiates.

And I was like, oh, that's not my dad right now. No. And he's the only guy that's had a hip and knee replacement that he got off them almost the day. Like the next day because it was like, I want to drink wine. I'm tired of. I hate these opioids. Yeah, you have to. When you get that stuff, you do the first two, just to tell you your friends, you get them,

and then throw them away, you know, make some yogurt. Because if not, they fuck up your stomach. make they do, they're so bad for you, all those old beats. Did you ever see John Oliver's thing on it? No. Oh, yeah. He's got a good one? Oh, it's so great.

It's really great. They show, uh, he shows this video of people talking about how great oxy is, like it was part of their promotion. And then he went, John went back and found everybody in that video. And every, it's incredible. Because every one of them is like, my life is, oh, my life ended. That, yeah. And it's crazy.

Yeah. I, I. I, I've prolonged your, No, I don't give a fuck. You can sit here till six o'clock And I don't

What's the longest one? Three hours. How long have we done? An hour? Oh, that's it. Yeah, that's it. I keep him light for people.

People don't want a three hour podcast. You should get Chappelle on here and do eight. No, no. That's all right. Leave Chappelle at home wherever the fuck he is in West Virginia,

wherever he lives. He's in Ohio. Yeah, he's in Ohio, tight. He's thankful that. He's, take a break. Netflix checks just falling from this guy for him.

He's fine. All those guys are fine. So if Netflix came to you and said, we want to do a special, would you do it? I don't know. All right. I'm here as a representative of Netflix, and I would like to offer you a million dollars

for your special. Would you like to do that? Let me think about it. Two million? Let me think about it. Okay, four and a half million. Let me think about it. Damn.

Yeah. Let me think about it. Helicopter ride. I just want to be happy. Yeah. I got to figure out. What good is that $2 million if I can't figure out how to make it happy? If you're willing to give me $2 million, you're willing to do a lot of things.

So I got a way that I'm making $1 million and you do me a favor. All right. Give me the million, get the fuck lost. Leave me the loan. I don't want to hear you stupid bullshit. I will take this message back to Ted Sarandos. Yeah. I don't want to hear none of your bullshit.

Don't put your reps around me. Leave me the fuck alone. I pick the destination. Just send a cameraman and maybe some other guy. And that's it. I don't want none of the bullshit that comes with. I want to talk to your publicity department. I don't want to talk to none of those fucking people.

What if you got to the point where you're like, okay, they're going to pay me $10 million, unreal. And you figured out you've got this killer hour. Like you're like, oh, I know exactly the hour. I'm very excited. And then they go, cool. We have to shoot in in Seattle. Then we'll figure it out.

Then we'll fucking figure it out. Because I'm not going up there. I'm not doing the three days. They're going to arrest you on the stage. They want me to turn myself in and go through the process. I want, we should take a road trip to Seattle. I'm going to smuggle you up there so you can see what it looks like now. Listen, man, where I have bad luck, I don't go back to.

That's why I love that. You know what? You know what I'm so happy about, about this coronavirus? I'm sad that people are going to die. I'm really sad that people are going to get hit financially. But there's some perks to them. this. I don't even have to take a picture with nobody again. Yeah.

Okay? That to me makes me as happy as I can be right there. Ever again? I don't ever have to take a picture with anybody ever again. From now I'm always going to have the coronavirus. You're like, I'm sick. I'm sick as a motherfucker. You don't want to get any of you? You know why?

Because we have to live off memory again. Yeah. Okay? What the fuck does a picture do for you? You know, there was so many things we just got out of hand with. What the fuck There's a bitch you're going to do for you. It's going to change your fucking life. That one's going to remember it.

And no, nobody gives a fuck. This will make you go back into your fucking memory and think about things, you know. And I don't even know what the point was, but... Here's what's more... Well, I'll say my life for the virus. All the stuff. The only thing that really has scared me every time I get on the road, I go, well, where's everybody? And I'm going to 80 down I five through the transit.

I was like, I cannot believe. the traffic. This is, this should be more disturbing to any every, I mean, it's glorious, but it's the fact that you can just draw, I, I just have my GPS popped up. I was deep in Los Feles and it said it was going to take me eight minutes to get to the valley. And I was like, what's happening? This is, this should be terrible. That was like of all the things. Yeah. And now, now here we are, door open. Fucking beautiful day to be alive. Joe McCale. Thank you very much. Thank you for having me. You're the nicest man in comedy. You're a fucking sweetheart.

And your producer knows way too much about Carl's Jr. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, please. He knows the stock options at McDonald's right now. He pulled the stock out. I love you, motherfuckers. I want to thank Joe McHale again. I want to thank all you motherfuckers for checking in today.

I love you motherfuckers. You know what I'm saying? Joe McHale's a savage. You motherfuckers are savage. Listen, like I told you Monday. Tough times don't last. Tough people do. I know you're getting put into weird positions right now.

You know, you got to have a little faith And trust what I'm telling you We'll pass through this either together as a family We'll make it work You know They're trying to help people The most important thing is to keep your fucking sense of humor All right

Laugh at shit you wouldn't laugh at before Laugh, keep laughing Exercise You know, throw punches up at the fucking wall Anything to make this trying time A little less easier Thank you for letting us come into your fucking living room once a week. I love you

motherfuckers. You know what? I got no dates. What I do have for you is this, okay? You don't have to sit there. After the podcast is over, listen to me. Go right over to my bookie.orgie. Put in Joey. Start playing some fucking blackjack with a live dealer.

Not some fucking computer and other real people, okay? You don't have to fucking stress how people breathing on you or you're getting fucking Hunan or Corona breath or whatever the fuck it is. And it doesn't end there either with the fucking blackjack. They got Baccarach.

They got poker. They got fucking roulette. They got slot games. Listen, they got everything. You want to bet on the presidential primaries. They got it. And they got a MyBooky death match up. Right now, Charlie Sheen's going up against Magic Johnson.

And Charlie Sheen is a minus two fucking hundred. Who's better than you? Go to MyBooky. A.G slash Joey. Right now. And I'll tell you what I'm going to do. That means if you deposit, what you're going to do is this. We're going to give you 50% of your initial deposit in bonus funds.

That means if you deposit a G note, we're going to give you an extra nickel. If you deposit a nickel, we'll give you an extra $250. Things like that. More money in your pocket to play with and more opportunity to win. That's what I'm talking about. Open up your browser, punch in my bookie.orgie. And get ready to make some money, all right? Who's better than you?

Nobody, cocksucker. Number two, I want to thank Honored for always being there. The supplement of supplements. The supplement of supplements. That's all I can say about them. I love them to death. Every day I take my alpha brain. I go on cycles, six-week cycles.

I take my Shroom Tech immune. I take my Shroom Tech sport before I work out. Even though the last two weeks I've been taking it, and I'm out of shape because I'm starting with kettlebells all over. I've been lifting weights. Anyway, that's not what I'm saying. Take care of yourself. Build your immune system up.

your immune system is not miraculously just going to get there. Help it. Be a good friend to yourself in these times. Go to honor.com right now. Before you check out, look at the supplements. Before you check out, go to the top and press in. Church, boom, C-H-U-R-C-H and get 10% off your order to deliver right to the house.

I can't make it any more simple. I want to thank you guys, but most importantly, stay in, mind your business, avoid people. Listen, man, there's nothing wrong with telling somebody to stay away. You're just protecting yourself and your family. You know, you can only be so nice in this life. This thing fucking kills, whether it's going to kill you or me. Who the fuck knows?

But fuck it. They can all suck our dick. What a church of what's happening now, bitches. I'm with you, you're with me, and they want to be with us. Have a great week. All right? Take care of yourselves and I'll see you Monday. Tip Top McGoo, ready to go to tackle another week of this fucking quarantine.

All right. Kick this fucking meal. Have a great weekend.