The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #773 - Joey Diaz: There is Light Ahead

Episode Date: March 30, 2020

Joey Diaz talks about the positives he sees from the quarantine experience, how it has made him a calmer person, and how even though we are in a rough period, there is light ahead.  This podcast is brought to you by: MyBookie.ag -  Use code promo Church to get a 50% match on your first deposit up to $1,000.  CBD Lion - For all of your CBD needs, from shatter to gummies, go to www.CBDLion.com and use code CHURCH for 20% off.   

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You understand me? Welcome to church, motherfucker. Monday morning, the 30th of March, talk suckers. It's a beautiful day to be alive. Uncle Joey here from the voodoo lounge. The Christ killer's here. It's a beautiful fucking day.

Hey, Elvis is dead and I don't feel so good myself. I know everybody's got problems. It's a whole new week. It's a whole new week of quarantining. I can't fly into New York or Jersey or Connecticut. Things are fucked up. But that don't mean you have to be fucked up. Okay?

There's still things going on. A lot of people are writing this. stood them off like you're done. Listen, it's going to be a hard time. And I'm going to tell you, when you fucking drop an atomic bomb, who survives? Cockroaches. Cockroaches survive. Right now, they've just dropped an atomic bomb on us. And the people who are going to survive are going to be people who are fucking thinking outside the box. I know a lot of years are scared. I'm here scared with you. Are we scared of a virus? What the fuck are we even scared of? Have you even decided what the fuck you're scared of? Are you scared of your financial help? Are you scared of your health? Are you

scared for your parents? I mean, I've heard a thousand horror stories this week. I have dear friends in Florida that I had dear friends I grew up with in Jersey at their mother moved to Florida. She had a stroke. My heart goes out to them and they're pulling the plug on Monday. They can't fly down there. They go see their mother. So you want to come to me with your little bullshit story? Go fuck yourself, okay? It's going to be tough times. And let me tell you, tough people outlast tough fucking times. It's the year of the fucking hustler. So whatever the fuck you're thinking, unthink it.

You got to think outside the box right now. You got a family. You don't have a family. You got to think outside the box. Traditional ways are over. If you're sitting there waiting for an unemployment check, or if you're sitting there waiting for that fucking stimulus, go fuck yourself.

You got a better chance of getting raped by 10 fucking Wuhan motherfuckers without the Wuhan disease. You know what I'm saying? So this is what I'm going to tell you right. now. Fuck all that shit. Go to your nearest supermarket. They're hiring. Walmart's hiring. ShopRite's hiring. Fucking or Amazon's hiring. I don't want to hear none of your shit that you're going broke. There's no reason to go broke. There's a thousand fucking angles right now. You just have to step up to the pump, swallow, remove your fucking pride, put your dream on fucking hold.

Yeah, but Joey, I wanted to be a figure skater. Yeah, well, that's over with right now. So now we've got to go stock shells and fucking shop right for now. For now. For now. You know, I mean, right now, where's the stand, where's the future a standout? Where's the future of standout? What do you think? We're just going to go back to being fucking ha ha ha in June. People are going to be hurting. People are hurting right now.

There's seriously people hurting, and my heart goes out to you. But I'm going to give you the solution to how to get the fuck out of this mess right now. First off, we're not in a mess. If you're a fucking savage, you know that this is every day for motherfuckers like us. Life is fucking problems. How to eliminate fucking the problems is what you do every day. How to keep your problems to a minimum. That's what you strive for every day.

So this is not a problem, what's going on. This is just a situation. This is a time period in your life. So take a deep breath. Relax. Now let's go back to basics. Okay? Swallow your pride.

You know, what are you going to do? Ask your father for money. Ask your grandmother for money. Those days are old. You're too fucking old. Get up off your fucking old. and ask and think outside the box what you always really want to do this is the time to start it why because you have nothing to lose right now you have nothing so you have nothing to lose so if you

want to be a painter go get some fucking crayons bitch and start if you want to be a singer this is the time to do it you know you well joie uh i can't get a job singing at a restaurant nobody can now get online every night and sing fucking opera. I don't give a fuck. I got a friend Ralph Carey. I grew up with him. I applaud this motherfucker. Every night, every fucking Wednesday or Thursday,

he does an Elvis impersonation act from his living room. And every week, you see, it's like the podcast. It's getting better and better. He got curtains. He's got a little fucking show now, a light show. He's got a little posters of Elvis around them. You know what? I sit there.

I take my edibles at night and I watch it and I giggle. and I applaud his fucking boss. He always loved Elvis as a fucking kid. He wanted to be an Elvis impersonator, whatever the fuck you. And he's doing it. So, I mean, guys, there's no reason to be down. There's no reason to be depressed. This is just another fucking day in paradise.

How you navigate around it is what you have to worry about. So again, all these fucking places, for you people who are waiting for a check and that $1,200 stimulus check, Listen, yeah, I promise you, I promise you, I won't come in your mouth, and I promise you the check is in the mail. Stop it. You can't be that dumb as fucking Americans. That check could get lost. They don't even know who the fuck you are.

Unemployment, listen, they have a hard time during regular season. Can you imagine with a million fucking claims that they're going to go through? So stop your fucking crying. Pick up your pants. Pick up your chin. Go look at the mirror and say to yourself three times. I'm a bad motherfucker. Everybody's sucking my dick today

and go out there and find something to hold you over until this blows over. Listen, Dr. Fyucci, what's the little fucking do from the sign? The one that covers his head every time Trump talks. Oh, yeah. That little fucking Italian doctor, Dr. Fucci,

fucking Trump, the governor in New York. They're all nice people and they're all trying really hard, but they're all not fortune tellers. And they can't tell you. what's going to happen. Nobody knows what's going to happen. You as a human being, you're smart. I got a GED. And I can

tell you one thing. Expect the worst and go for the best. That's all you can do here. This is not going to be over in two weeks. Okay? This is not going to be over in three weeks. There's, you know, like when

you do something and the effects linger, the effects are going to linger. This is not something that's, this has gotten into America's psyche. Okay, this that's completely different. When you go to,

when you go see the Joker, you're on edge, when you go see, what's the Adam's Sailing movie? Uncut gems. Uncut gems. You're on edge for two hours, okay? And then you leave that theater and you go back to being normal, and it was an experience that you had.

Right now, you're experiencing that only in real time. it's your life. You don't know what's going to happen. So before you start making predictions, oh, we're going to go to Hawaii in July. We're going to go see Motley Crew in July. Don't worry about the future.

Think about what you could do today to make it better and how you could better yourself. This week was the first. I worked out Monday and Tuesday. I threw my back out. After I did the Rogan podcast, I had to sit for fucking three hours. you guys know I'm not good at fucking sitting.

I'm not a professional fucking sitter. I'm not good at sitting at all. My back was so fucked up. And I thought it was my kidney because everybody says that fucking, the one mom said that her son was a perfect athlete, then he got a backache, then he got a headache, then he died.

So all fucking day, Thursday and Friday, I walked around thinking I was going to die, thinking I was going to have to stand online at the fucking hospital with a bunch of people with Ebola. And I'd be there for a bad back. What was I going to do? I showed it to my wife.

My wife said that my spine was crooked. So I hung up myself upside down for a little while. I put the pads on my back, the tens. I loosen the muscle. I couldn't even fucking get up. I was making noises I never heard before. When you came over the other night, when I gave me that edible cocktail of death,

when you fell asleep on Twitch, whatever the fuck. You see how I walked out, I was fucking crooked. I didn't notice that you were. I was crooked. I couldn't even walk. I couldn't even fucking walk. for two days. But that's the secret.

Number one, take care of yourself right now. A lot of zinc, a lot of vitamin C. If this thing attacks you, it's zinc and vitamin C. What are you going to go to the doctor for? Well, what are he going to do for you? He's telling you that stay home, zinc it up, and see it up. Every time I walk past the cabinet, I drop 1,000 milligrams of vitamin C. You piss it right out.

That's why keep popping vitamin C. Nobody's ever died from a vitamin C overdose, okay? What did he die of? He had too much vitamin C. He ate 200 oranges that don't kill nobody, all right? Vitamin C is fucking good for you. Vitamin C, that motherfucker up, those are some sinking your system.

Every time you need to go out, when you get home, gargle with warm water and salt. That's the secret, because the virus sits in your throat for three days before it spreads into your lungs. So every time you step outside the house, you have contact with somebody, even though they're 18 feet of water, I don't give a fuck.

I don't give a fuck. When I go home now from this podcast, I love Lee. I take a shower and I gargle with that salt fucking solution. So nothing sits in my throat. And then at night sometimes I hit it with Listerine because I can't even take my own breath. And on top of that, you want to fuck. You just sit there and go, damn, I got bad breath.

You ever go, play on the computer and you smell your upper lip and you go, it smells like an asshole in there. You're like, what the fuck do I do? It's a reefer and fucking nicotine. gum and water. Your Brett smells like a fucking asshole. My teeth are like fucking magenta. If I'm scared to go to the dent, he's going to laugh at me.

He's going to go, what did you brush your teeth with a crayon? What the fuck is wrong with you? I brushed my teeth three times a day, and they got like a magenta color to me. I think the reef had just fucking ruined them. It's 57 years. What are you going to do? You know what I'm saying? They got to turn a certain fucking color eventually.

But that's it and that's that, man. It's Monday fucking morning. It's a whole new week. You got a whole new ad. Listen, we've been petrified for two weeks. Stop it already. Your anxiety level should drop by now because my anxiety level. I've accepted my fate.

I have. I've accepted my fate. Nobody else is like everybody trying to be Nostradamus and predict the future. You know what my fate is? I'm a 57-year-old fat fuck. Okay? The road doesn't look like it for a while. It just doesn't look like it.

You think about it. If we go through straight May, what do you think is going to happen in June? You think all you motherfuckers are going to come out of the house and have a bunch of money? No, you're not. It's going to be a different game. And on top of that, if we go through June or fucking July, first they're going to start with 10 people coming to a show, then 20 people come into a show, then 50 people coming to a show,

then 100 people. And that's going to take a fucking while, and hopefully by then we'll all be healed. And let's pray that this coronavirus doesn't come back. I'm someone with a lot of anxiety, but the one thing that's saving me with this is that I have no control over it. I mean, I can take care of myself

and give myself a better chance, but overall, nothing I can do can change this. Nothing. I told you guys last week, this isn't your fault, this isn't my fault, this isn't anybody's fault.

This is a sad thing about this. Nobody saw this coming. Nobody fucking saw this coming. So on the bright side, listen, man, just take care of yourselves, try to pick up a quick hobby. I've been reading like a motherfucker. I've been reading. Bob Linguish, thank you. I'm finally catching up on some fucking reading.

I start on that Led Zeppelin book. Fucking Bob Linguish sent me a Led Zeppelin book. It's bigger than the Bible. It's bigger than the Chinese Bible. You understand me? It's like 2,000 fucking pages. I've been putting down like 50 pages a day. Wow.

Yeah, this is what this is for. And you got to schedule your fucking day. Right now I'm homeschooling my daughter. I had to piss her this week. Because this week I got to work with it with math of my way. I got a quick way. I showed how to play dice. Okay.

So I've been teaching how to play dice for money. 7-Eleven. That's a quick way to think to keep it going, something different. And I also taught how to play blackjack. Now, I'm not a good blackjack. I'm not a gambler. but just to change up the teaching a little bit. You can add in here?

Yeah, so I give a, we play cards the one day, the one day we played dice. I got her on a schedule. 8.30, she leaves the house. We walk her because she's a fucking racehorse. If you don't walk my daughter, you're going to have a problem at 3 o'clock. So she's got to go for a walk

and take her mind off of things in the morning, like a 30-minute walk, which is good. I kill like fucking six points. We go back home. I've already eaten breakfast and my wife takes her in the back and they do a journal from 9.30 to fucking 10.

Then at 10 o'clock the computer comes on and she does something with one teacher until 10.30. Then at 10.30 She has a little breather. She's allowed back in the house and she's fucking, yeah, she's not allowed in the house. 10.30s. In the backyard. We have that little

spare bedroom, the podcast studio back there, the shed. Right. So we take her back there. My wife set it up like an office, so she leaves. It feels like she's actually leaving. Yeah. You know, people always say, I'm going to put an office in my house. That's a good idea if you're a really productive person.

But it's a bad idea if you're fucking lazy naturally. I want you to get up and leave. If you're a lazy person and you have an office in your house, it's not going to work for you. It's not going to make a big difference because you're never going to use it anyway. I always force myself to leave. leave. My office is the coffee shop. Sorry. I can't go to the coffee shop. So some mornings I come here and I try to fucking write for an hour, some mornings. Some mornings I just sit in my fucking car by the park and I bring a notebook and I write my journal in there while they're doing that.

This whole thing is scheduling your day. You know, you got two bedrooms. One bedroom, go to one corner of the room for an hour. Go to the other corner of the room. room. You know what? Domestic violence has gone up. You know, why? Because you people in front of each other every fucking day. Me and my wife separate Jack. And I don't have no fucking big house. I leave. I leave. I go out. I get vitamin D. The other day, Joe Rogan said to me, dog, it looks like you're getting the sun. I've been on the sun all fucking week. That's all I do is get vitamin D. I'm from an island. The sun agrees with me. I'm not going to die from vitamin D. My fucking DNA is an island. And Africans. So what the fuck? We're, we're, we're going to be. We're

We're outside all day. There's palm trees. Everybody in Cuba's dark, right? You ever see anybody? If you see any light skin Cubans? No. They got no SPF. Everybody's fucking dark.

And that's what happened. So I'm used to the fucking son. I love it. I try to avoid my wife, you know? Right now I'm trying to be, you know, I knew the situation. You're going to put two people together, three people together in a house.

That's a fucking powder cake. Yeah. Okay. And don't get me wrong. We've had Thursday night There was a little blowout at the house. You know, Mercy. Mercy is, she's seven years old.

She can't wrap her head around this. She really doesn't understand how, what's going on. You know, she, for a little while, she wouldn't even leave the house for a couple days. I had to force her to leave the fucking house. Yesterday, Saturday. Saturday? Yeah, Saturday. I took them down to Hollywood.

I took, I go, let's go, get dressed. We're going to Hollywood. Hollywood. They're like, why? I go, because we can't sit in the valley another fucking day. I haven't been over the hill since March 7, so I took him into Hollywood in the afternoon. Guys, it was a shock of fucking reality. My anxiety was under control, and I fucking, it shot back up again. Because it was just homeless tents. And in and out, had the biggest fucking line you've ever seen your life. That's all that was out. Was homeless tense? And a line for In-N-Out that ran all the way down sunset.

I guess In-N-Out is good during the coronavirus. If you could fucking smell. I didn't read, I didn't get the memo all of a sudden. Fucking In-N-Out. Surprise you didn't take water balloons and go down the line with your family? I just felt so bad for those people that you're such a fucking sucker. And this is why all this is happening. Can you imagine if your last meal was in and out, how bad you'd feel?

Oh, like a fucking idiot. But these fucking gogoootses think, you know, in and out. Hand it out. They can't go a day without a fucking burger. A day without a fucking burger. I mean, if you would have seen this line, you would have died, okay? It went all the way outside, all the way to Sunset Boulevard, all the way to the big street, Highland.

Whoa. This is like blocks, people. This is like in and out, if you're not from here, it's bad normally. Bad normal. But that's like a couple blocks. Fucking hour wait, they were saying. Fuck you. Hour fucking wait.

And I don't go to in and out. I was at the light. And I just yelled at the guy. And the guy goes, it's an hour. Look at the line. I go, holy shit. That was all that was open. I never used to cook anything.

I haven't gone to a restaurant yet. And I went to Walmart a couple times. And that is even, I finally found a place. that'll deliver. All the delivery places that I normally get delivery from grocery stores and Amazon have been shut down.

Yeah, they've been shut down. And now that... We live off both of them. Coming back. We go to the store, but we don't go to any of the big stores. I'm not going to tell you where I go because there will be a go.

I found a little Mexican bodega. Oh, nice shrimp. Now, I already know you're going to say no, but I heard the Asian markets are kind of dead. What do you trust that? I don't know. I don't even know what is an Asian market. I know I found...

I was driving there. that day and I saw this little Mexican supermarket. I saw the parking lot was empty. Kind of sort of. And I drove in. I put my little mask on. I got my little fucking liceol that I carry

with me. And I fucking went in there on a mission and it was empty. Nice. I got a couple pound of shrimp. I got a couple pounds of steak. I got toilet paper.

I got Lysaw. They had everything. It's like everybody goes to one place. Yeah. I've never seen people so fucking stupid. Stupid. Well, I'm driving 20 miles to go to Walmart. Stupid.

Just to avoid the big cities. All you got to do is go up Lancashian. And you find these little Mexican bodegas. I think I know what you're talking about. Yeah. It's empty. Wow. Three, four people, and they do it right.

The Mexicans are doing it right. believe it or not the Mexicans are doing it right well because they have to work so they were in there fucking scrubbing wiping people with masks on i mean they were walking the aisles were empty they have a guy outside there's only eight people out of the store right i think i was in there with three people nice no that's uh i know as a fat i don't know if it's because i'm fat or not But that's the one thing that's been scaring me is not being able to leave your house to get food. What do you mean in the supermarket or?

Just anyway, like if they say you can't leave your house or even, I don't know. I don't just, just the idea. I think like that's just that you can't live your life the way you want to. You just have to be cautious. Yeah. Right now in a situation where you have to think about the people around you. I could honestly tell you, I could look you in the eye and tell you, I have not been around any groups bigger than three or four since the second of March.

Once I heard about this, I avoided people. It's over. It's over. We're quarantined. And I don't know what you're touching. So why take the chance? Why take the chance? I would hate for somebody that coming here.

and sit in that chair and get it from me or for somebody to come in here and give it to me. I would hate to have the guilt of me giving it to somebody because I was selfish and uncareless. So for now, I keep it to a minimum. I know it's different because you have a family, but you always joke about how you were a single kid and you could go to an island with cranberry juice and stuff.

Like, with all the anxieties of taking away, Are you enjoying the quarantine a little bit to be able to shut down a little bit and be by yourself? Here's the positives for me of this quarantine. I've been going out at night since 1976. Damn. You guys got to remember my mother had a bar.

So when I was growing up in the summers, I didn't have a sit there. I would stay at the bar with my mother until 3 in the morning. And then I lost my mother at 16, and I was forced to go out every night. I was forced to hang out in bars. I was forced to do things that I would never do on the circumstances. I was talking to a friend of mine the other day,

and he's kind of a drink, a good guy. I love him to death, his daughter plays with mercy. Good guy. Him and his wife are good people. And we're talking about bars, and I'm like, the good thing about me is, dog, I've hated fucking bars since the beginning of time. Like, I grew up in a bar.

I see the effect on alcohol on people. I would see people walk in looking normal. and leave and acting like a fucking jerk off. And I made a mental note and I didn't want to act like that. Those bar regulars have always tortured me to death. Regulars of the bar, they tortured me to death. I got into comedy in 1991. I fell in love with something more than I have a love myself even.

That's how much I fell in love with comedy. I was very lucky to get on stage and find what I wanted to do. A lot of people lived their life and they don't find what they truly love. Okay? When I fell in love with comedy, I fell in love head over fucking heels. Have you ever fallen in love with something? Head over heels, guys. You ever fall in love with a woman?

Ladies, you ever fall in love with a man? Hell over heels where you forget to take care of yourself. You forget to eat. You'll forget anything for that person. this is what happened to me with comedy when comedy came into my life I was so fucking happy and I went out every night

and I stayed out and even when I got home I read books on comedy I read biographies on comedy I you know I watched fucking VHS tapes endlessly I became a 24-hour fucking comic you know everything I all I could think about was sleep, eat, and shit comedy.

That's all I did. And then, 95, I got into it even harder. What does that mean? That means that you don't even watch TV. That means that you already tell people, fuck you in your fucking wedding. You know, it's a fucking Saturday. I don't know what the fuck you're talking about.

You just tell people, like, I'm not coming to this. I'm not doing this. Like, this is how much you get into comedy. You know, and I just took a, off with it. And the first time I took a breather from that, from 91, the first time I took a breather was when the longest yard came out in May of 2005. And what does a breather be? A breather means that I stayed home on Monday nights. That was a breather. I stayed home on Monday nights.

Do you remember, if I'm skipping ahead, tell me, but do you remember the last thing you took a full week off? No. Wow. No, there's no full weeks off. If this is what you want to do in your life, there's no weeks off. When you do Madison Square Garden, that's when you deserve a week off. Until then, I don't even know what you're talking about.

Right. I don't know what you're talking about. I didn't take a night off. I didn't take a holiday off. I hated Christmas because there was no comedy. I started hating the nights. I couldn't do comedy. That's when you know you love something.

you love it like I'm fuck what are you talking about so when all this started coming down the pipe you know we've been going steady since 2012 yeah all right podcast road you know I've been a year before I met you I was going on the road heavy before I had mercy I was going on the road heavy so for me I asked Rogan the other than the podcast has he written And he said no. And I was very happy because I am not written a joke either. I've written little things and that, you know, I'm going to use on stage. Yes, I can't lie to you about that.

I'm working on different things. Like I was writing, you know, obviously nobody's buying books right now, whatever, but I'm still trying to write, you know. So I was just trying to write. It's interesting that you ask that question. I was just trying to write the story of me falling in love with comedy How the process happened Like I still remember my ex-wife telling me I don't want to be with you

And me being so happy because that was the only obstacle In my way that I was trying to put a family together That was the only obstacle in my way For doing comedy I knew I could do it But how was I going to do it with a young family That was the question And again, for people who think I'm crazy, God fucking opened up the door and made her fall out of love with me.

And she dumped me and went with another guy. Thank God. If not, I wouldn't have been here. So everything happens for a reason. Right. So at that time, it was now only 29 years ago. I had nothing going on. I was broke and I had nothing to lose.

let me go for comedy I'm divorced I'm broke and I got nothing to lose there's nothing you could do to me now I'm already 50,000 in debt and the debt's climbing

but do I care I'm not going to make any money in comedy you can't throw me in debt as prison there's no debt as prison you know there's no debt as prison so you keep going

and I fell in love with this fucking racket So when the possibility in my mind I was a little upset You know, I enjoy leaving twice a month It's my little six days Then I get to watch my little computer I get privacy, I could think

I miss my daughter and my wife But I enjoy it Believe it or not I don't have a social life My social life is the comedy store When I go over that hill That's my social life It's sad, but it's true. Okay, it's not like I go somewhere once a week where I play cards or I hang out in the men's choir.

I don't have any of that shit. All I have is the comedy store. Right. So when this went down, I've looked at this as a breather. This is a breather for a guy like me. But it's a well-deserved breather. This is not stopped for 29 years. This train is not stopped.

I don't want it to stop. I never wanted it to stop. But sometimes you need to take a break. This is making me, the reason why I haven't written comedy, my reason is because I want to, you know, like things are trending? In my mind, things are trending all the time, right? Like you think, I wanted to start trending new things. I wanted my mind to start coming out with new things.

So whatever material I had before this, it's done. Yeah. It's over with. So when I hit the stage, June 1st, July 1st, August 1st, I'm starting from scratch.

Yeah, there's no way to go back to it. Yeah, that's it. They did me a favor. Don't worry. I'm going to put it back together and try to put it on CD and put out a CD before it's for three bucks or something. But for right now, there's nothing to think about. All we can do is take care of ourselves and get ready for the next chapter of our lives,

whatever it's going to be. We don't know. You know, right now, you're going to find out people's true colors. This is what's good about this. You're going to find out about people's true colors. You're going to see what banks

are willing to work with you. You know, my friend brought up a great point before. You know, a lot of these banks are giving you 90 days without a mortgage. But at the end of those 90 days, you've got to pay all three of those mortgages plus the fourth one.

So there's no bargain here, guys. there's going to be a by the way people are going to be hurting and their belts are going to tighten people are going to lose their homes people are going to lose their businesses but on the bright side it's a start for most people

like my uncle he's 80 fucking two he couldn't wait to get out of that bar this just gave him the answer oh really this accelerated the deal he's done it's up for sale it's up for sale it'll sell within a month wow you know that's it's it's it's it's it, that's it. You know, today,

yesterday, on Sunday, a famous Allen had closed in Beverly Hills. Really? They're closing, they closed yesterday. Wow. Well, that place was expensive. Yeah, because. They don't know, nobody knows the future. Right now you're sitting there

going, I got to pay employees, I got to do this, I got to do that, I got to do that, nobody fucking knows. Yeah, I'm hoping that there's some sort of there is a silver lining folks I give you my fucking word as a man I've always had faith

in what what higher power I don't know but I've always had faith and I'm telling you guys please don't be down there's gonna be a silver lining out of all this there's gonna be a silver lining out of all this

we don't know what it is right now so before you go down and start writing yourself off and start packing your bags I want you to think of the silver lining that's going to come from this man I'm hey listen I feel as bad as all you do but I know I know there's a silver lining in this we're all going to learn what we need what we don't need what we can't live with what we can't live with a lot of people are going to go you know what the cable got turned off and I've been fine for the last month you don't know what you could live with until

you start living without it you know I had a friend of mine who said to me that he cut his life down. He cut his bills down by 70% a year ago. He said he did the math one day. And he goes, you know what? Yeah. Cancelled everything.

The water. The fucking... He bought a water filter. Right. And he figured out that it's cheaper for the filters and it's better for the thing. He figured out that he could live without

fucking cable. And he just used... He uses Disney Plus. He figured out. He told me all these things that he could figure out, and he's a better man for it. People are going to see that.

People are going to learn you were living on $2,400 a month, but now you're living on 15, and you're going to figure out a way on how to do it and make it work, and you're going to put yourself in shock. You're going to realize a lot of shit you were spending was garbage.

That's what you're going to realize from this. A lot of this shit you were spending, do you really need that iPhone? Sing, oh, yeah. Do you really need that iPhone? What are you going to take pictures of misery? What are you going to take pictures of?

A fucking empty bank account of people crying. What are you going to take pictures of? What are you going to take pictures of? Misery. Yeah, what are you going to take pictures of? It's over. A video of what? Somebody hanging themselves.

What are you going to take a picture of? So you got to ask yourself what you really fucking need right now. you know, cut the data down, whatever the fuck you need to do. You need to do it. And you're going to see that you can live without these things. You know, fucking this is expensive.

Write it off. You know, you're going to learn now that you can live without soda. You know, there's going to be a lot of vegans pretty soon. That's the only thing left to do. A lot of vegans. A lot of motherfuckers are going to be eating beans and rice pretty soon.

Again, I've been eating beans and rice already. Asked Lee, I blew a fuck. And bean fart before that would shave your eyebrows without raising. My legs bleed. No, no, no, no. I'm eating beans already.

I'm prepared. I've prepared myself and my family for this. You know, for years, I told my wife, we live in the earthquake zone. Buy two of everything. Every time you go. Buy two peanut butters. Buy two soups. Buy two Campbell's soup.

I got more soup than Campbell. My last name should be Campbell. Have you opened the peanut butter yet? I'm saving that because if I open the peanut butter, I'm going to get in. I popped that motherfucker open the other night. I had a nice peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Oh, I can't wait. Nice jelly peanut butter, because you go through phases of peanut butter and jelly.

Once you eat one, you go, fuck. I haven't had one of these in a long time. A nice peanut butter on fresh wonder bread at night. That's what I do at night, dog. Before I fucking, I save my points for nighttime. I saved my fucking eight points. Ooh, Lordy. Right before my wife goes to bed, that's when I turn the edibles on.

that's when I popped that last void I see where I'm at because I start with the edible's about four and I pop another one around seven because you gotta get the leg going enough is enough the boredom's got to end you know what I'm saying how long can you talk to yourself for

the boredom's got to end what does that mean get the leg going get the leg going you know what I'm saying the leg's been stiff all day you got to get the leg going cocksucker I don't give a fuck how you do it you got to get the leg going so at four o'clock I pop my

first fucking edible. Oh my God. I don't do bong hits no more that much. My bong is clean. I looked at it today. It's spotless. Why did you make that decision to switch from smoking the edibles? Because, first off, I'm not

getting as high as I was smoking. That's number one. Number two, my lungs are shot. And number three, they said right now if you're a smoker, it's not a good time to be a smoker. Yeah. I was thinking about quitting smoking for about a year now. I've been thinking about that I get

high at the weirdest times. I don't get as high as I usually get. You know, urban trees has some fucking serious weed. And if that shit ain't getting me high, you know, people smoke my weed. They're like, I can't come back here anymore. Fucking, there's a lady who comes to my house. He's a nurse. Her mother, her daughter plays of mercy.

When she comes over, I bring her in the back. And I give her a bond here. One day I went back and she was cross-side living room. Just letting my wife give her a fucking earbeat. Nobody lets my wife give her an earbeat. She was sitting there, taking that. ear beating. My fucking, she gave her such an earbeat and I thought my hearing age were going to

explode. I was in the other room. I'm like, my wife won't shut the fuck up. I went in there, the poor lady was sitting there stuck to my wife, stone to the gill. And then she told my wife a couple days later, she goes, you know what, I kind of quit smoking Joey's weed? Because that shit puts me out for too long. She looked like Dean Delray when she smoked the 24K

that day when Dean smoked that Ceteva had, that 24 carrot. And that stuff just doesn't do anything anymore? No. It does. I mean, it gives me a little buzz, but look at last week. We ate the mushrooms. I swear to God.

I ate two mushroom cassas of Lee. Lee was all fucked up. Oh, yeah. They went right through me. I fucking spit them the fuck out. But I try to switch it up. Like, I'll switch up edibles. I got a thousand milligram brownies from George Perez, my brother, Perez stories.

I got fucking the ABX capsules from my man Sam Tripley and my man, Justin over at ABX, and I have the thing I gave you, the quickies. Oh, my God. I got that. So I'd go in between three edibles so I don't get fucking used to any of them. I don't build the tolerance against any of them. Fuck. No, I've been high almost every night this month.

It's a lot. I don't know how you do it that much. I'm sick and tired of being bored. You know, how long can you be fucking bored for? The edibles at least breaks up the fucking monotony. I'm not popping them at 8 in the morning. That's a problem. But come fucking 4 o'clock, I got to go.

Yeah. I also don't watch the news no more. Oh, no. There's no reason to watch the news no more. It's fucking depressing. So I don't watch the news no more. But I promise you, motherfuckers, there's a silver lining in all this.

We don't know what it is yet. I know you guys are fucking probably going, go fuck yourself, Joey. Trust me. I've been around for a long time, and I've been through a lot of shit. shit, this is bad, but it's going to pass, and you're going to be fine. If there's something you want to do, this is the time to do it, because you have nothing to lose.

I know schools are closed right now, but I was thinking that the other day. I'm like, if I was at my age right now and wanted to go back to school, this is the time to do it. Well, they're offering free online classes. Are they really? A bunch of colleges. Wow. There's a bunch of people doing free online stuff right now. you know, there's a bunch of stuff for you not to be bored.

Trust me, this week I'm going to start on my room. My back office is a fucking nightmare. This week, I'm going to do a fucking thorough cleanse of that thing. You know, there's a thousand things you could be doing not to be bored and not to lose your mind so you don't smack your wife or beat up your kid or punch your brother in the stomach or choke your mother. There's no reason for all this shit. There's no reason for it.

And you're looking at me going, Joey, it's easy for you. You just said, no, I'm telling you guys, I'm panicking to. You know you guys know, I said from fucking panic attacks. But this is just, it's going to pass. And I'll be here with you, taking bullets, eating shit. We're going to do the podcast as long as we can. Lee called me. He's like, do I need a letter?

Yeah, everyone's getting a letter. We don't need no letter. We just tell the cops we're going to do the church. We're going around the corner. Get out of the way. What am I, John Jones? You're going to pull me over and shit. I don't got no gun.

That was the weirdest story of the fucking week. Really? Yeah, I'm very sad about that. I love John. I love John as a friend. I've always loved John. I've known John. Rogan introduced me to John way before he was a champion.

And I always had great conversations of him. And I was very surprised about the drug allegations. I really, really was. And I thought he had everything under control this week's you know the thing that killed him was he put up a tech a tweet that said

stay home everybody in front of the TV you can't fuck this up and not even yeah and not even a week later does he get in trouble for shooting off a gun and drinking tequila you know I haven't watched the arrest videos

and nothing they're all over online that's none of my business my heart just goes out to him And I'm going to tell you what happened in this situation, okay? When you're, I noticed years ago when all this stuff started going off with the podcast and Rogan and people, people started acting differently. You know, it makes people act differently. And I had a few people that were hitting me on Facebook. There was a couple people, a couple names that you know, that I'm not going to throw under the bus because I don't give a fuck.

But there was a lot of people emailing me, trying to be my friend. You know, not trying to be my Facebook friend, but trying to hang out. You know what I'm saying? And I've always told people something. I've never really talked to you guys about as much as when you want to change your life, you've got to get away from people that take you down. Who you hang out with does make a fucking difference in your life. Trust me what I'm telling you.

Who you consider your friends? Who you consider to watch you? And when you get into a certain light in your life, you know, for me, I'm just a dirty fucking comic dog that got lucky, you know, that got a GED that was a loser for a long time, was a petty thief. And I applied my mind to something and I did the best I could with it, you know. But for some reason, people get into this position and they surround themselves with people who tell them yes. Right. You know, people tell you you're great. That's the funniest thing I've ever heard.

And I've got to tell you something. If I'm lying to you, it feels good. Yeah. It feels good. It feels good when, but I want it to come from your soul. I also want you to tell me when I suck. You know, when my agents or whatever around and I have a good set, I have a good set

But if I have a bad set And they come up to me and say that was pretty good I get angry deep down inside Because that was pretty fucking bad I know it I know when I do something pretty fucking bad And that was pretty fucking bad I lost the harder on yourself than they are

You have to be hard on yourself When you're a stand-up comic We live off our words So we have to choose our words correctly So when I place a word somewhere wrong why do something wrong, I do beat myself up. We have to. I just didn't start doing this yesterday.

I'm an old man. I've been doing this for 29 fucking years. There's no error, you know? You know, it's like when I told you guys before, when we went into this fucking seclusion shit, it was rough on me for a week. And then in my journal one day, I wrote something that changed my outlook on everything.

I wrote that at the end of the day, I'm not a comic, I'm the man of the house. So I have to change my ways. I was starting after the first week of whatever you call this, quarantine. Right. When my wife and my daughter were in, listen, I'd be lying to you if I'd tell you that there weren't times when I got upset.

I was getting upset at little things. Like my daughter leaving the light on in the room or something. I was getting upset and I caught myself. I caught myself and I said, I can't get upset. That's what cabin feet. does to you. Right. This is the beginnings of cabin fever.

I have to learn how to deal with cabin fever. So I even went online. Really? Yeah, I even went online. Wow. Because other than Colorado, and that's what the Shining happened. Yeah. The movie The Shining, and there was cabin fever,

and they always spoke about it. People go crazy up here, in the snow, in the winter. What people don't know is that there's an off-season, and Aspen, and all those ski resorts have an off-season. So a lot of people leave. So you live in the snowmast village. You move up there like the middle of October. You get yourself a job for the winter.

And then November 15th, the ski lifts open. And you go straight to April 15th. April 16th, that town becomes a ghost town. Wow. That's when you go home and see your mother for a month because all the snow melts. All that snow starts to melt. You can't do any construction.

you can't cut grass. There's really nothing viable to do. The supermarket's open for limited hours. A lot of the businesses closed, they only open for the seasons. So Aspen has an off-season. From April 15th until about May 15th or May 30th, then things start picking up.

Remember I told you, I moved to Snowmass, April 25th, of 1983, took me about two weeks to get a job. And I'm a hustler. It took me about two weeks to get a job because there was nothing there. Nothing was really open yet.

The streets, it snows. It still snows a lot. You know, like in April. The end of April, still snowy. So every year, my wife, at the time, my girlfriend, would go home and see her parents in Boulder. And I would stay up in snowmast by myself.

Me and a dog and a blender and videos. Yeah. So I would shoot down to the video store. I had the keys to it. I ran the video store, command the video. So I would go down the hill, take two movies out, and run back up the hill. I had a punching bag in the garage, and I had a job to do. I had to shovel the property.

So for 30 days, that's all I did. Oh, that sounds like heaven. Was hit the bag, shovel the snow, throw snowballs for the dog, go to the video, store and go shopping. There's nothing open. There's no bars. The Coke dealer is always open. That motherfucker don't go nowhere. He's open 24-7. So that month, I got used to living by myself.

So when this all went down, I took a journal and I wrote that I'm the man of the house. You know, I have to have a face that has to be happy at all times because shit runs downhill. If I'm upset, my wife's going to be upset, the baby's going to be upset. you know after my mother died i remember like a year afterward i was having to drink with one of our friends this bookie i noddo he was the bookmaker that would always cup his hand and go like that and go bah and fart and stuff and he told me a story he said that he remembered when i was in the

hospital how my mother would get to the hospital 15 minutes before visitation and she would cry downstairs in the lobby and then she would wipe herself up and wait for him and his brother and then it would come upstairs and see me that my mother needed courage to come upstairs and see me because I was her only son and she was scared for me so she would cry but she would never let me see her cry like when she would walk up her courage is always big

so my courage, so I wouldn't be scared. So I decided that for me to, I'm the man at the house. At the end of the day, this is no folklore, this ain't no story, I'm the fucking man in the house. So I have to act like that. My behavior has to be happy. No matter what I'm going through, I got to be in a good mood.

If I'm going through anxiety, I got to be respectful to my wife. My wife is over there dealing with mercy right now. You know, yesterday my wife had to deal with it for two hours. They do like a church. Wow. Because instead of going to church on Sunday, my wife takes her in the back and does fucking Bible study. Wow, you're doing everything at home.

Oh, yeah. We're doing everything at the house. That's really impressive, dude. I mean, not that you were like an extremely angry person before, but like every year around Christmas, you always tell me how much, I hate this time of year when no one does anything. So I just imagine two months of that

would be driving you insane. Underneath the core, it is driving me insane. Anybody who knows me knows I'm going crazy. But back to what you said, there's nothing I could do. I'm not a scientist, I don't have syringes. For God's sake, I don't even have a microscope. You know what I'm saying?

What can I do? Right. What do you want me to do? You want me to bust out my chemistry set and fucking cure this shit? I can't cure this shit. I don't know what the fuck to do. So, you know, there's nothing. It's beyond our control.

So you have to learn to adapt to this type of lifestyle. That's it. That's it. I get to see you again this week, you know, and that's it. We've been keeping away from each other. We've been trying to quarantine, you know. We've been trying to... The more you quarantine,

the better you are. I mean, I don't want to sound clichéish. Stay the fuck in. If you get an Amazon box delivered, let it get delivered, put it in an area, wipe it down, and don't open it for a day.

My wife doesn't open everything that day. She leaves it. We put it in the garage. We pick it up with gloves. Put it in the garage. We don't even walk through the house. I don't have a small place. Yeah.

I don't even walk it through the house. I put it in the garage. and I fucking leave it there for two days, then I open it up. I just got protein powder. I had no protein powder all week. I was living without my little protein shakes. I just got on it to send me some more stuff.

I got, you know, you have to just, it's a different lifestyle, guys, and it's not something that you could tiptoe around. You know, you see, I got the Oseum here on my desk. I got the CBD line. I got the fucking cream next to me to keep me moisturized. All we could do is take care of ourselves. As far as comedy, I don't know what to tell you.

You know, you think about it. You think this is going to open up? No, it's going to be 10 people, 20 people, 50 people, 100 people. It'll be nice. It'll be stuck next to all those people in the club now. Yeah, no, that'll be nice. That'll be nice for a while. That'll be nice for a while.

But once these animals can get them in, they've got to make that money too. Yeah. Everybody's got to make money. So I feel bad for everybody. I know everybody's itchy. Everybody's going through a hard time. And all I can tell you is, next time you go to your supermarket, the CVS,

get a notebook. Get a notebook and fucking write it out. Whatever the fuck you're feeling. And you'll feel a lot. And that's how I'm keeping it together, to be honest with you. My notebook is my fucking therapist. That's how I'm keeping it together. You know, I've been smoking pot for a long fucking

time. I should be ashamed of myself, but I'm not. Because when you smoke pot early on, like I smoked pot when I was 13, 14, 15, it really makes you very self-conscious. When you smoke pot, if you get high, sometimes you, it's like you leave your body and look within, and you could see all your little flaws. You could say, you don't know how many times I'll get high and go, fuck, I can't believe I said that in the eighth grade. Really? Yeah, like, I can't, I can't believe I said that on stage the other night. You know, I can't believe, you know, because it makes you very self-conscious. It gives you an opportunity to step out of yourself and look within, you know.

Right. And this is what I've been doing for the last three weeks. It's just looking within, see where I can strengthen myself. I'm 57 years old. I don't know how much time I have in this planet. You know, all I know is I take my heart medication every day, my little aspirin. I work out. I lift weights.

I stretch. and I'm just trying to be the best version of me, you know. I got problems just like you guys. We all got problems here, but who cares right now? Right now we got bigger fish to fry. Right now you got to take care of your family. You got to keep your parents up. You know, they feel like monsters now, our parents.

We can't even go see him. I know. We can't even go see him. My brother lives in New York, and he's actually got an Airbnb with his girlfriend from months in Massachusetts. because New York's so bad right now. And he said, he told my mom, like, listen, you can't come visit. This isn't, this isn't like a vacation.

He's got to be away from your mom for two weeks, three weeks, and then he could go see you little by little, you know, but we can't get mom sick, you can't get grandpa sick. And that's just the whole point of this. And you can't listen. This ain't even old anymore. Now they're saying it killed an infant. We don't know what the fuck this could do.

I didn't do this podcast today to fucking. scare you even more. I did this podcast to give you a light, to let you know there's a light. There's going to be light, man. Trust what I'm telling you, I haven't been through a pandemic before, but I've been through what's called problems. And you know what? When I was looking at the end of the world, it really wasn't the end of the world. It was just another day in paradise. So grab on to this, hold on to the best you can, you know, do all your paperwork. let the government know where you are so you can fucking get your checks

if you got them coming to you and yes, unemployment's on the way but if you're a sucker and you're really waiting for unemployment to save your dreams you're killing yourself to live if you got a family fucking head to the nearest grocery store

they need stockers like a motherfucker that my buddy I called my buddy and he got a job three days later they called him I think he starts next week working at ShopRite for 22 a fucking hour. Wow. And I just want to say thank you to all those, everyone who still is working.

I wouldn't want to be working out in public right now. Listen, I want to thank the fucking police officers. I want to thank the nurses, the doctors, the restaurant workers, everybody who's out there right now. I appreciate you with everything I got. And when the fucking storm clears, trust me, we're going to fucking lay it out for you. We're going to line up benefits for nurses. benefits for hospitals. You know, I'm looking at this,

I'm dropping off some food this week at the North Hollywood. They just opened up a shelter last night in North Hollywood. It's a COVID place and they're looking for towels, sweatpants because they don't want people to be uptight there.

So they're looking for sweatpants and shirts. I'm cleaning out everything tomorrow. I'm taking food over there. I got some extra corn and shit like that. I mean, the corn I have, I can't eat all. all of it. I got more cream corn than fucking than that company does. So there's a couple things we're going to give away, and I write them a check in the name

of the church. You know, they're homeless, you know. That's the only right out. You know, I've called the comedy store, and I told them once this goes up, we're going to do something for the waitresses and waiters. If they stick around, you know, you've got to do what you've got to do right now. Listen, right now, if you've had a job for a long time, and they lay you off, you can collect unemployment,

and you've got another way to make money, listen, the only loyalty you have is to your family. That's the only loyalty you have, is to your family and to yourself. Everything else is background music. You've got to keep the lights on. So I wish you well. Thank you for listening today.

I got no dates for you because they ain't no fucking dates, so it's fun. We could just relax, sit back and be fucking buddies, for once and not worry about fucking comedy and just have a great fucking time. This is what I'm talking about here. Like I said, I've gone through this shit all my life. For me, there's just another damn paradise. We got to cut back, adjust, but at the same time, you got to move forward.

And that's what I want all you motherfuckers to do. Before I wrap it up real quick, I want to talk to you about CBD. Right here, this is the best. CBD lion.com. I'm holding up my cream. This is the odilis. 100 milligram extra strength. This is what I use every day on my legs,

and I don't have that alligator skin no more. I'm not going to lie to you. I have alligator skin on my legs. I started putting this on. I also cut my nut sac with it, too, sometimes. Just cut it, a little CBD oil. I think you cut your nuts sac. No, no, no, a little CBD all on your nut sac to eliminate the wrinkles,

so it don't look like the back of knees, Lee's neck. I don't want my nutsack to have that weird look through it. I'm getting old. My nuts are getting brown, like a, you know, I don't know what the fuck's happened. I've never seen this brown skin before my life. But CBD Lion is the best in my book. From the tinctures to the gummy bears to the fucking...

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That's why I work with them. On it, manscape, CBD lion.com, my bookie. They pay attention to details. CBDline.com is one of those companies. Stop buying CBD lotions and fucking these different doucheback places. Go to CBD Lion right now. Look at the selection they got. You know what?

Do me a favor. Just start with the raspberry gummies. It's going to blow your fucking mind. Start with those and then get back to me. Go right now, CBDLion.com, and press in. Church, boom! Get 20% delivered right to your fucking crib. You don't need to leave the house.

And they deliver quickly, too. I hit my man Andy up. Two, three days. I got a fucking box. CBDLion.com. Number one, quality. The other company I want to talk to you about is you're bored. You're losing your mind.

you don't know what to do with yourself. Hey, you can either do drugs or gamble. There you go. Couple cocktails, couple tequila, you don't have to drive nowhere. Right there, mybooky.com. Listen, the coronavirus went a little far. I'm with you. But you don't got to be bored.

There's no sports. The casinos are closed and you're trapped indoors. What do you want to do? Who are you going to stab next? You ready to stab the fucking cat. Think that about it. Make the best. your fucking quarantine.

Head over to my bookie. Dotag slash Joey and make some bets. Joey, what am I going to bet on? There's no sports. March Madness has been canceled. Fuck that shit. My bookies have partnered up

with some of the biggest people at ES Sports to bring you NBA 2K. They got simulated games going on so you don't have to wait until Wuhan freezes over to bet on sports again. Plus, they got odds on the presidential Canada, the presidential election and primaries.

And to top that off, they've got a fully fleshed out online casino. That's right, a live dealer with other real live fucking people. You don't got to stand there and get crabs from the guy next to you. The guy with colon on, fuck all that shit. It's you, the computer, the dealer, and other people. And they don't stop there. They got slot games, poker, roulette, baccarat, and more. And for you motherfucking sickos, ready for this one?

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like that. More money in your pocket to play with and more opportunity to win. Open up your browser, punch in mybooking.ag slash Joey, and get ready to make some money. Who's better than you? Nobody. Head over to mybooking.orgie.org slash Joey for 50% bonus. Kick this fucking virus league. Anyway, that's it. I'll see you guys Wednesday morning. Tip top, Magoo. Ready to go. Hold on. I love you motherfuckers, with all my heart. I really fucking do. I appreciate you for listening.

I appreciate you for sportiness. And I appreciate you busting my balls and still being around. It's a tough time we got each other. And I mean that with all my heart. I love you guys. I hope you well. Have a great day and go out there and fucking plan your next move. There's always a silver lining.

Kick this fucking meal.