The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #774 - Joey Diaz: Felony Favors and Reinventing Yourself

Episode Date: April 2, 2020

Joey Diaz talks about how he learned to make money while incarcerated, and how he's using those lessons today. We also learn what Felony favors are! Stay healthy!  This podcast is brought to you by: ForHims- Go to ForHims.com/church to get a free online visit.   Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH at checkout for a 10% discount on your first order.

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Get off like fucking Teddorf. You know what fucking Teddorf. This is the year of the fucking soldier. We're going in like fucking Marines. You understand me? Welcome to church, motherfucker. There you go, Coxuffin. Uncle Joe is here.

Never be it. Get ready to swing some dick. We're going deep into the murky waters today. My main man is here, Lee Syatt. Hello. I want to talk to you guys about a couple things. You know, we're going through tough times right now. It's kind of funny.

I was thinking about what I told you guys there that I'm back on a prison schedule. And it's so weird because I've been through this. Something that makes you change your life is a strong thing. And I've been through this before three fucking times. I've been through three life changes in my life. One, when my mother died, which was similar to this, this is why I have the same feeling as my stomach as if somebody died,

because life as we know it has died. Number two, when I went to prison, and number three, when I got divorced. So after a while, you start learning how to cover your ass. When I went to prison, I spent all my money on the attorney. I had a little bit of money put away on the side to take care of myself while I was in prison, but I knew that money wouldn't end, that I had to do something while I was in prison to make money. And the third one is when I went and got divorced, I lost my job because you guys forget,

I worked for my wife's family. They were my brother-in-laws. They paid me great money, but once I got separated, they made some excuse up how they got slow, and they went to Jersey and picked up a job. In other words, telling me to go fuck myself, which left me with my dick in my hand. Which is going on right now. Right now, you're feeling like you got left with your dick in your hand.

Like, everybody's feeling like, Jesus Christ, what the fuck is my next move? Well, I'll tell you what, man. This is why I wanted to talk to you about this today, because I was thinking after I said it, I got in the car and I got a couple emails about it. And it's true. Now is the time to reinvent yourself in a fucking weird way.

When I went to prison, I was scared the way we are right now. We always scared in the beginning. Like what's going to happen? Once it settles in with you, which it has with a lot of years, I hope that this is settled with you. I hope that you still think that the Chinese smuggled, listen, whatever happened, it doesn't matter. Whatever happened at this point, our lives have fucking changed.

That's all we know right now. We're in the house. Some of us lost our jobs. Some of us are waiting for unemployment. Some of us are waiting for the stimulus check. But I told you the other day, I go, listen, go over the fucking your supermarket and apply for a job. Some guy wrote back, I got a job, but they only want to pay me $960. That's $9.60 you wouldn't have got before.

You know, if it fucks up with your unemployment, then I wouldn't take it either. I wouldn't take it either. I'll swallow the three weeks and sit at home. But for right now while you're waiting, even $9.60 an hour with some overtime is a lot better. And some hazard pay is a lot better than fucking sitting at home. But anyway, when I got locked up, you know, you're going inside. And here I'm still used to wheeling and dealing every day. In those days, I sold cars and I worked for a roof.

I did a thousand things. But guys, I always wheeled and deal. I always had somebody calling me going, hey, I don't know. I feel weird asking you, do you know I can get an ounce of Coke? No, not really. Yeah, I know. Hey, it's Thursday. Do you know I get 100 fucking sleeping pills?

No, I don't know. Yeah, I fucking know. You know, do you know where I could get a machine gun? Yeah, I know, you know, you know, I was one of those type of guys. I did felony favors. I charged you 20%. That's what it's called. It's called the felony favor.

And, you know, before I went to jail, I would do them for free. Like, I would help you out. I'll get your bazook if you were going to kill your mother. I don't give a fuck. I would get you the bazooka because I knew different people who sold different things. So, you know, I'm the type of guy. If I can make a fucking dollar, I'm making a fucking dollar. That's how it was raised.

That's what living day to day is. So when I got locked up, I didn't know what the fuck to do. Well, you can't do nothing, right? You can't do nothing. You got locked up. I was in bolder the first day, and then they sent me to fucking Summit County Jail. And they told me I was going to be there for three months. I ended up being there for like fucking seven or eight days.

And I went right to Canyon City to get fucking processed. Processing took five days. You waited another three or four days in some fucking in Ordway or some shit I waited. and then they took me to Camp George, they took me to fucking Camp George West. I get to Camp George West, I think I had like $38. You were allowed to have money in your pocket.

Wow. Because you were allowed to go to the store for 20 minutes. That has to have changed by now, right? Yeah, no, no. Now they don't let you out of the fucking building probably. Oh no, I mean even with the money. Yeah, they don't let you. But then they let you have cash in your pocket.

You can have up to $30 or $40 or something like that because you could go to the store every day. in the mornings where you wake up you'd sign up to go to the store and they'd let you walk. They could see you walk from the prison all the way to the store and all the way back. So it was no big thing. It was like a block and a half. And it was good for you. You got to go out and exercise a little bit. So, you know, I get to fucking prison. I don't know what I got on my books, $100, whatever. Some friends sent me money. Like, you know,

when I got locked up, some people put money on my books and shit. But I knew that shit would end I like to fucking, you know, I like to eat At that point I wasn't a fat fuck But at night you get bored in prison You don't even need edibles to eat You get bored, it's fucking You gotta eat, you know

So I get to prison I gotta figure out how to make a buck So first I started out as a baker A baker was like a 35 cents an hour Oh my God Dirty five cents an hour They pay you to be a fucking baker And I had to work like all these fucking hours

I think I purposely blew up the... I made cinnamon buttons, but I made them really big. And they almost blew up the fucking oven, and they got really big. So the guy was like, dog, you don't know what you're doing. I tried to tell you that. I tried to tell you that when you hired me. They didn't even fucking ask me. They're like, did you ever get hepatitis?

I'm like, hepatitis. They're like, no. Hired. That's all. That was the prerequisite. For 35 cents an hour, that's really all the... For 35 cents an hour, that was my prerequisite. Was fucking...

Did you ever get hepatitis? No, hired. So I'm in the fucking kitchen, blowing up ovens and shit. The oven goes on fire when morning. He calls me, the guy's name was Mr. Yarborough. This guy was 6'4'6. What do you want to do? Big, black and bold.

I mean, this guy was just big. He made Patrice O'Neill, God rest his soul, looked like a fucking midget. Really? Oh, this guy was bigger and black. He was in the Navy for 90 years. He had just retired. Mr. Yarborough.

Black, and he would yell and shit and call you stupid. I don't want to know what he did. Oh, and he would torture black people because he hated Negroes. He was like one of those black people that hated black people from being in the service. Like he hated worthless black people and guys with dreadlocks and shit. So he would torment them from kitchen guys. He tormented his own black people more than the white dudes. Like he was such a Navy guy.

So Mr. Yarborough cut me a deal. He goes, man, I got to get some help with this stock and nobody knows how to do it. I had a guy that was in here for like fucking four years, and he had the job down to his science. I go, what's that job pay? He goes, a dollar 35 an hour. Uh-oh. And I'm like, oh, shit.

And how much do you make? How many hours a week? Because I'll give you 40. But he goes, you only work like two hours a day. You got to come in? Of course you fall into the sword. Oh, right off the fuck. Two days in the fucking joint.

You got a no short job. But remember, I also have a license. I also have a high school diploma. I was also attending a college when I got arrested. All these things were happening. Not to be rude. Was it a real diploma or was it a fake one? Did you lie about the diploma or did you have your GED?

I had my GED. I had my GED. After I got arrested, I went and got my GED. Got it, okay. So I got my GED in between me getting on bail and me getting arrested and me getting sentenced. I'm sorry. I got my GED, got into the University of Colorado legitimately.

and was about to start classes for the fall. Remember, I got sentenced August 15th. So I get in there, I'm making a buck 35 an hour, 40 hours a week, but I'm really working too. I got to go in early in the morning. I got to wait for the fucking shipments of meat and bread and milk and all that shit. And then at four, I got to go check out and make sure they got everything. I got to go at 4.30 before they start dinner and go, do you guys need vegetables? Whatever they need, I'd have to bring it over on a wheel cart.

That was a long fucking walk. But I didn't give a fuck. It burnt time, you know, and I was trying to get in shape, trying to stay in shape. Yeah. But I knew that $1.35 is $1.35 times $40. I don't know what it came out there. $40-something or some shit. I wasn't getting fucking rich, but I wasn't doing drugs either.

So I figured out that if I wanted to, they had a chance. restaurant next to the deli right so I'm like I went back one day and I go does anybody ever get Chinese food and they're like yeah sometimes but nobody really like nobody really has the money for Chinese food I'm like how much is fucking Chinese rice it was at that time it was 250 for a pint damn so I would bring a pint of Chinese rice back I would call it in nobody figured out how to do it to call it in and go I'll be there one fucking 15. Make sure that rice is ready. I'm coming from the prison across the street. And the lady would go, okay, we wait. And I would run over there. I'd get whatever I had to. The Chinese place was right next to the store. So I would run into the store, get milk, eggs, whatever I needed for that night. But let's get to that. So at first I would just buy like bags of chips. You know, maybe another guy didn't want to go out. Maybe you didn't want to go out, but you were broke and I brought you something back to make your day. I was one of those guys. So I'm making a buck. I'm making a buck. 35 and I'm like this ain't gonna fucking work.

This just ain't gonna fucking work. And I become friends with a mafia dude. A fat little mafia dude. Until this day, I can't remember what his fucking name is. I've tried real hard. And he used to cook every day. Every day he would cook from a fucking, he would take the inside of an iron

and make spaghetti sauce with stewed tomatoes. And make spaghetti. He knew all the brothers in the kitchen. So he would make spaghetti for them and they cut a deal. So I tapped into him. He came to me one day and he goes, dog, what do he got for supplies in the back? Do you have any cheese? I'll make nachos for us.

So I started getting them fucking cheese from the kitchen, stealing it, right? And I cut him a deal. Like, I bring you the cheese. I get two orders of nachos. Nice. Boom. So I started with two things of nachos. At least I got the nachos.

Okay, so every night I had nachos. You had two orders every night? Every fucking night, because I would give him fucking, but they were little orders. Oh, okay. Little faggy, fucking orders. No, they're not, what do you think to say is fucking toss of the mess? I don't know. This is just a little white dude that made nachos with cheese, and he put jalapenos in it.

And we fucking drink it with sodas and shit. There was a soda machine. So when they I figured out, I go, you're a fucking savage. I go, why don't I bring you like white bread? And you can make grilled cheese sandwiches. on the stove. Nice. So he started making grilled cheese sandwiches,

and I would sell him 50 cents. And we would split the fucking money. He also ran a bookmaking operation. He had like one, he would run numbers. You know those cards, those betting slips? Right. Where you fucking have the boxes. Like, I never did that before in my life.

I never even knew what the box was. I swear to God, like people put finals. They do for the Super Bowl, right? Yeah, yeah, they do it for the Super Bowl. We were doing it for everything. Oh, damn. No, he was doing it for football. Okay.

Okay. So I came along. and I'm like, you're doing this for football. And I go, how do you do with this? And he goes, if I fill up one card, it's a lot. He goes, because I can't get through the other guys. A lot of the inmates don't like me. I go, well, fuck, I run the fucking kitchen.

Anything that has to go down with me, so I got the brothers. The kitchen was just eight black guys and two white dudes. I still remember the other white dude. I still think about him because he was very scared. He was a rich white kid that got drunk and killed somebody. No. And I'm going to DUI in 1987. And he was serving six years for manslaughter.

And he was scared. So I kind of took care of him. He was a nice white kid. He was funny. He was dorky. And the brothers liked him, so he had protection. Nobody's going to fuck him in the ass and nothing like that. It was fine.

So for me, I would take the... I asked him one day, go, can I get a shot at selling these cards? Because I could talk to the Mexicans. I was going to say you basically made yourself a partner. I could talk to the black guys. I would go in the fucking laundry room and the black guys would be playing dominoes. Listen to fucking don't be cruel by Bobby Brown.

You'd think I'm fucking kidding you. That was the album of the fucking year. It was Bobby Brown's solo album. So they would be in their fucking, I'd give you cars, diamond rings. I'd just about giving you everything. All that shit. They'd be fucking jumping up and down.

They'd be 20 black guys in there. So they needed food too. So I started, I, The leader of the black dudes worked in the kitchen. His name was Chicken Hawk. And he was pretty much in charge of the fucking kitchen. His nemesis was graveyard. Oh, shit.

A black guy that they called graveyard. He had his own troop of black dudes. And where's Mr. Yarbrough? Mr. Yarbrose in the kitchen. He's the supervisor in the kitchen. Got it. Okay. He's in charge of the kitchen.

So the two gangs we had in the joint were Chicken Hawk from Louisiana. And then his nemesis, his enemy was graveyard. This black dude that used to walk around with an afro and a fucking, his pick on an afro. Oh, shit. So I didn't fuck around with graveyard too much. I fucked around with chicken hawk. And then the other black dude I fucked it was the Crip. He was a Crip, a Stone Coe Crip.

I think he was a rolling Crip. I'm not sure. I don't want to say something that's incorrect. Well, the other Crip. I don't know the Crips that won't. There's another side of Crips from the Rampart Crips. I think there's like a gang. over there. And he was in charge of delivering cocaine from L.A. to Colorado. But we're getting

ahead of ourselves. So me and the Italian dude, I swear the guys, God, when I got together with him like the second week of September, he was moving one car tonight. I came into the operation. During football season, we did two cards on Monday night football and probably 10 cards on Sunday. Saturday college football, we'd do 10 fucking cards. And once basketball came, I really got the troops going. Brothers love basketball. And we would make Denver Nugget things. So guess what, bro?

I started making $40, $60, $70. And then I did my greatest fucking trick of all time, guys. Now you're thinking, like, Joey, how did you come up with these schemes? I didn't. I didn't write the book on these schemes. Hunger motivated me. I was forced. The same way we're getting forced right now

to switch careers and switch jobs and think of what else is next and think of what our next move is. It's the same thing I was facing in 88 when I got locked up. It's no different. That's why I've accepted this for what the fuck it is. You take this, you take this,

whatever your strength is right now, you fucking attack it, and you just have to work all fucking strength. That's it. I don't give a fuck what they tell you. To get through this thing that we've got right now, You got to go in there like a fucking animal. Now, I'm not proud of these things I did, but I had to eat and I had to stay alive.

And this is what you do to survive. This is what you need to do. Remember, I always tell people, I know what you got to do. This is what you need to do. Because if not, I would have got eaten up alive in that. Well, because it's something that you've said from the beginning is like you can't go the way everyone else is going. Because, like, those online job postings now that were terrible before this happened, everyone in the country's

home looking at those right now. Forget about all that. Just go to your local supermarket and stock shells at night for right now until at least you have a fucking job. You get a mask like I got on it right fucking now. I got a mask on it right fucking now. Why?

It's bad out there. This is the week it's going to get bad. These next two weeks are going to be crucial. Next Sunday we'll be doing a podcast on Zoom. We'll be doing a podcast on Zoom. because my wife, our landlord, died on Friday. That's so sad.

He got it on Monday, and he died on Friday out here. I don't know where he lived. I know Glendale's got a high amount or whatever, but I'm not here to talk to you people. I don't want to talk about this shit. Let's talk about how we get ahead. All right.

So what's the greatest disappearing act? I did two disappearing acts in Colorado. That will make you fucking fall off your chair. While I'm doing all this shit, guess what opens up? a job for a fucking jailhouse attorney do you have to be a lawyer

like a house to protect people when they get in trouble right but are there any requirements do you have to be in requirements you have to take a test and all the rules of the prison system okay and then with your intelligence you could whatever and you had to go in there where you're

defendant and fight for them so like two months in I apply for that job and I got it all the way from Baker to lawyer that was already another 40 bucks It was like $1.10 an hour. So I'm like, fucking, I got two jobs. I'm Joey two jobs in jail.

I'm a fucking kitchen stock. Oh, you kept that job? Oh, you fuck. Yeah, I kept it. I'm a workaholic. You know, I got time to fucking sit in my fucking room and stare at the ceiling and think about what could have been. I don't have that type of luxury at 25.

At 25, you weren't going to get me at all to sit out. You were still making the minimum wage? Oh. And I didn't give a fuck. I didn't give a fuck. I just wanted to make money. So now I did my biggest disappearing trick. I'm sitting there one day.

And like I said, let's just say this guy's name was John Clark. Fuck it. Who cares it was. Okay, he was out of Philly. If he's still alive, God bless you. Because I love you at all my heart, you bad white motherfucker. John Clark had killed a dude in Philly. And he was just a badass white dude.

Okay. He was an Irish, badass white dude. dude. Didn't even look Irish. He looked like something out of a fucking, like a killer movie. He just had that personality. He had just been done. He was in his last two years

of a 16-year sentence. He was an interesting guy. He was a part of people who hate, you know, black people and Jews and Spanish people. But him too had some Jew in him

because he did business with me. So that's just to show you I don't care if you hate white, black, green, purple No, I don't care if you hurt, I don't care if you hate brown You know, whatever color Jews are tanned Whatever color green Chinese people you always love the color green So John Clark was a dude you just can't That's another thing like you people who would like

There's people who just invite themselves on the podcast Like in prison you get smacked from invites yourself like I could never come up to you and go hey Lee can I talk to you for a second I have a proposal for you can I do this and this and they look at you like you don't even know me the next time you disrespect me I'm gonna knock the fuck out of it that's how real it is so how you're supposed to do it there's a way to do things okay one way is to show up how you show up you got to show up with an envelope yeah so he was pretty much in charge of the arians and he talked to me when I got locked up it was the

Darians, they hung up by themselves. Then you had the bikers that hung up by themselves. We could all fuck them up. Their leader, I forget what his fucking cunty fucking name was. He was a cunty. You hate his bikers. At that time, I was mad at bikers because the guy who ratted out me was a biker. So I had seen through the whole facade.

So now I get locked up and there's this fucking biker crew in there. And the low guy in the totem pole always thought he was tough. And I fucked him up. before I got out. But before we got to put this piece of shit in this drawer, I took a shit and put an American cheese box and put in this draw. But let's not get to this. So I'm making the $40 a week from the fucking,

from being the attorney at the jail. Right. And I'm a fucking upscale convict. Like I'm upscale. Like people are like, oh my God, you're doing such a great job. Meanwhile, I'm gambling. I'm promoting gambling. I'm inciting gambling.

Because every card I sold, I made $20. And then not to go too far away. Is this also at the point when you were doing the acid you were telling us about a week or two ago? Yes. So we were also doing acid like on Sunday nights. Me? Jesus Christ. The librarian and Toray Powell.

We were all doing acid on Sunday nights. Not every Sunday. Just some Sundays. Sundays, we did acid on Sundays because it was the Simpsons. It was not the Simpsons. You know, Lost and Marins. Lost and Married. Okay, yeah.

Whatever it is. Family, something. Yeah, it was that. It was America's... In prison, everybody watches America's Most Wanted. Really? Every night. Stucked on Sunday nights.

When that show first came out, when I was locked up in 88, that's what you watched. You couldn't even talk during America's Most Wanted because there was always one guy that said, I know that dude. Right? So there was always one dude who said that. So not only was an attorney and a whatever. So now there's a hole in the system.

Okay. I'm not doing drugs. But I know who's doing drugs. At that time, there was one, two, there was like maybe seven or eight, you know, army barracks. Okay. That they converted into prisons. And I knew who was doing drugs. There was like three barracks that were, they were there together because they were heroin heads.

And there were meth heads. They didn't call it meth back there. They called it speed. And then the guards were bringing it in or something? No. So there was two ways. There's one way to bring in drugs. Okay.

And that's the girl puts the balloon filled with heroin. She either swallows it like three days before and shits it off in the jail. There's a thousand ways. All there is the chick that puts it in her pussy, takes the balloon out of a pussy, puts it in her mouth, makes out with you, and then you shit the balloon out. Okay. Okay, so they always search you on the way back from visitation, but there was one way that I knew you could get drugs in. I had heard about it, but I had the magic answer to how to do it. You ever driving around and you go on 101 or 405, one of your roots, and you see guys picking up papers?

Uh-huh. Okay, that's how you smuggling drugs into prison. Oh, okay. Okay, so I figured out a way. The reason why I had to go there early in the morning was to give them the supplies. They would give me what they needed for the menu. So I would walk and get everything they needed. Meat, potatoes, 10 pounds of garlic, whatever they needed.

I would get it from the stock. Bring it back. And then my second job was to get a crate. Three crates of lunches. And I would put them in the back of a two-wheel drive, Toyota truck, a little, long bed truck, and I would drive it to a different location. So I would drive it to a different location. Okay, wherever they're picking up trash.

What's that? Wherever they're picking up trash. Wherever they were picking up trash. So he would tell me that morning at 7.30, when I went to pick up whatever, he would tell me, hey, do you know how to get to I-70 in this street? they're going to be working over on the whatever side of the road today. Wow. So the first couple times I did it, I didn't really think anything of it.

You know what I'm saying? I didn't think anything of it. And then when I go, what am I doing? This is money. So you didn't think about leaving. You're talking about using that information. What do you mean leaving? Why do I fucking leave?

What are you retarded? Why would I leave? I'm not leaving. I knew where they were going to be that morning. Right. So what I would do is I would run over to the back. He would tell me where I was going. I would run over to the back. And then I would go to John Clark and tell him where they were going.

John Clark would walk around the back to a black kid give him his girlfriend's number and a quarter and that guy would get on the pay phone called John Clark's girlfriend and tell him where to meet John Clark while he was picking up

garbage. So she would go and throw a balloon out and put it in like a baggie so when he was picking up stuff He knew exactly where to go and pick up the bag. Fuck. Sometimes he would swallow the balloon, or I would wait for him at the gate and talk to the guard, and they wouldn't be searched.

Wow. And every day you would do this? Three days a week. So I would either do it with John Clark or this Mexican kid. That's crazy. So you had four jobs in prison. A pretty head, but that was my biggest money maker. Because John Clark was giving me like $100 a week.

Wow. So what would have, like, how did you hide all this money? Because didn't you say you could only have $40? I would hide it in my storage. Oh. I would hide it in the storage. There was a tree close to the storage. So I dug up this thing by the tree, so it wasn't really on my property, but it was.

They couldn't come to me. And I also hid steroids there and drugs. I charged a vig on that also. Now, when in my life was I sitting there going, when I go to prison, I know exactly what I'm going to do. Right, never. I didn't know this. I thought I'd always go to prison,

but I didn't even know these opportunities were there. This is the same thing that's going on now with us. We don't know what's going to happen to the smoke clears. Once the smoke cleared, I went to work. did I ever dream of being a jailhouse attorney? Yeah, I mean, that's all our dreams. We all wake up every morning going, you know what?

I think I'm going to go to prison so I could be a jailhouse attorney. You know, none of us have that fucking dream. But this is what I had to create from my setback. Well, you said something on the last podcast that stuck with me, and you're like, oh, but Joe, I want to be a ballerina, or whatever you said.

You're like, okay, well, that's over for now. you got to do what you've got to do for now. For now it's over. There's no ballerina. It's not necessarily forever. No. There's no ballerina. And I think that's one of the hardest,

or one of the things that you learn coming out of college is that it's not just up. It's not just, oh, you get a better job and a better job and a better job. And then your CEO, by the time you're 30, you have a mansion, is you're going to lose a job or you're going to have to move or your parents get sick. Like, there's downs to it, too. Oh, and you have to adjust.

You have to adapt. Life was not given to you. That's what problems with people are. A lot of people are scared of the future right now, which they should be, which they should be. No, no, no, I'm not trying to scare people. I'm trying to be honest.

If you don't think I'm scared, I'm scared for my daughter. I'm scared for my friends. I'm scared for my family. I'm scared for you guys. What's going to happen? Are you going to lose your houses? do you lose your cars? Do you lose your lives?

What happens? I'm scared. I'm scared also what's going to happen after this. There's a big difference between somebody, me taking a week off, and somebody telling me I can't do comedy. But in my mind, this is the way I'm thinking about comedy right now. I'm thinking about comedy in the way as it's better to quit ahead than just quitting. Like, I know that comedy is out of my life for about six months.

Wow. It's not just when they all go back to it. But going back to the prison thing, you know, here I was the jailhouse attorney. But at the same time, I was also helping two guys bring drugs in for them to make money and them give me a piece of the action. When I got out of prison, I think the day I got out, I had like $900 bucks cash. And then they gave me like 180 or something to go to the halfway house the state gives you a check for 180 I showed up at the halfway house like with a thousand bucks like what the fuck's going on They go you can't walk around with more than 40 bucks in your pocket and I'm like fine I just started a bank account

But when I came out of prison I came out with money that's crazy that's crazy That's crazy and it's not money I mean it was nine hundred dollars It doesn't mean negative yeah no it's better than way better than being negative and you got to remember I was buying Chinese food every day. Every day. Every day. Every day. I was eating like a king in there, but I was also running. I was lifting. I was

walking around that fucking place. I was 25 years old. I took up jogging in prison and it carried out for maybe a year and a half after I got out. I jogged every day. And that's, then I got

Bricitis in my heels and that's what ended it, my running career, from getting the spurs in my heels, and that's what would hurt my feet. But when I got in prison, I was not lazy at all. There was no way. First of all, you had black and white TVs, except in the age unit. The age unit has a color TV. All the other TVs, the little eight by ten's black and white,

I'm not into watching black and white TV. You know what I'm saying? Fuck you. Fuck you. I'd rather fucking watch TV. So I didn't like watching TV in the daytime. I always kept busy, man. That's the main thing to do.

You know, I was going into the unknown, not knowing. The same as now. When I got locked up, I didn't know if I was going to get out in February, March, a year. They sentenced me to four years. I went into the unknown, not knowing. When I got in there, I also discovered House Rule 1440, which says first time offender, nonviolent, your sentence gets cut in half. I'm the one who sent that to my attorney.

and my tiny knows I knew about it. I was going to put it up for the appeal. That was where your appeal was about. But I had already found all that stuff out on my own once I got locked up. But the point of this whole story I just told you was that when I got in there, nobody knew nothing. I didn't know these opportunities were going to be available to me. Some fell on my lap and some I created, as creepy as they sound. And that shit didn't even stop.

It carried over. When I got into the halfway house, Guess what I became in the halfway house? What? A loan shark. Because nobody gets paid until Friday, but they want their rent on Thursday. They do that to you on purpose. So you won't have the rent, so you can't go out for the weekend.

Oh. They did that to you on purpose. So they wanted you to be at one ahead. So usually it took people like four months to get one ahead, pay up the week ahead, and then now they pay on Friday. You know what I'm saying? But they didn't give a fuck. They made that rule for a purpose.

So you didn't have to go out of it. on the weekend. Well, that's why they made that rule. There's room for Uncle Joey. When there's where Uncle Joey comes in. I come in, I give you the 75,

but you've got to give me back 105 for one day. It's not bad. It's 20 bucks, 25 bucks for one day loan. I had 10 of those guys. I, yeah, that's definitely a skill.

And I was, even before you brought this up today, I was thinking about Josh Wolf, when he was young and had had the peanut butter and jelly delivery service. Like if you ever wanted to do something with food, now's the time to do it. All that,

but there was a problem there because he had to get a kitchen and all that shit. Well, you also can't be a loan short. The idea was great. I mean, the idea was great that Josh had, but that's what this is. You're getting a gun put to your head and told what to do,

how to earn in a minimal amount of time. Right. What do you think you have to, you know? So I don't want nobody at home listening to this to think that you're fucking stuck in any way. You have options. I'm not saying fucking, I didn't tell you

this story so you could go out and fucking smuggle weed or whatever the fuck we're talking about here. I'm telling you this story so you know that this is the same situation I went through in 1988. I've gone through the situation

three times. Like I tell you, when my mother died I had to figure it out. When I went to prison, I had to figure it out. And then when I got divorced, I had to figure it to fuck out. When I got divorced, I got divorced in 91, which made me 28 years old, right before I got into comedy. I knew nothing about nothing. I knew how to fucking work. I knew how to make a little bit of money.

But I didn't know anything about the real world. When that woman left me, my fucking life was shattered. And if anybody who's been left by a wife or broken up with a wife or something like that, I mean, you and Paul was something different. That's boyfriend and girlfriend. No, no. I'm talking about when you're married and you have a wife and you've been through hell for six years or seven years, and then I had to be fucking let loose, it was rough, man.

It was rough at first, you know. And again, guess what I did then? I become a neon salesman. And I started making money with neon because I put my mind to it. So what did that entail? Do you think I have, oh, yeah, I woke up when I was eight years old one day and said, oh, when I get older, I want to sell neon. No. It let me do comedy.

It let me do comedy. I didn't want to, and I had to get every morning, every day I would wake up and go to fucking Kinkos. When Kinkos was around, is Kinko still around? Yeah, I think it's mixed with FedEx. Kinkos, I would go to Kinkos in the morning, and I'd make 100 copies of fucking a sheet of paper. And it would be like this sheet of paper,

but I would put it on a thicker sheet of paper, and I would walk into strip malls and just hand them to people going to their place and how you doing? My name is Joey here take a look at this flyer and people go, oh, thank you.

Some people would throw it away. It's like Mitch Hedberg's joke. Here, you throw this away. Yeah, it was one of those jokes. But some people would look at it and go neon, I was looking for a neon open sign. You never know what the number of again. Yeah, so

this is what I'm saying to you. Hold on. Well, I mean, I was talking about. talking to our buddy George, and he said there's a lot of cleaning jobs right now. Like, you never, like, even though there are jobs, I think there's a lot of stuff that's opening right now. No, listen, if you're home right now and you're feeling a little fucking down and, you know, like it's over, I don't want you to bullshit yourself.

Life is not going to be the same as it was before, but I will tell you one thing that you could make a difference. You could go out there and do something. just to keep the lights on right now. Just to keep the lights on and make yourself feel better to take your mind off this shit. To take your mind off this shit. Even if it's at night, just going to a supermarket,

I still want you to stay home and mind your fucking business. But it's pretty tough to fucking stay home and just let the four walls creep around you. I'm here to tell you. I'm going through the same thing that you guys are going through. You know, I get out two hours a week to do the podcast. My wife made me wore a fucking mass today. not she said don't come back she made me fucking war mass uh so you know this is the week when

it's getting serious and next week so i mean i get it that you don't want to fucking be bored but you can exercise in your house it's better than going to a fucking park and walking behind some guy that's jogging and he's got it he's a carrier and you're running right behind them yeah you're taking care of yourself if i see more than five people i don't go there in today's world that's what you need to do. You see more than three or four people you don't want to go there because you know what eventually they're going to break the barrier. So why fuck around? Okay,

I came out here today to talk to you guys. We're going on Zoom next week. So for the next couple, see, we had guests. We had a tremendous fucking March planned and we had the beginning of April, fucking tremendously planned. But all this shit took us down. We're back to

us. I don't give a fuck. You know me, I come in here tell you guys the truth and bust your balls for an hour. But we're going to Zoom on Sunday so we could start getting guests again, at least local guests so they don't feel bad. I don't feel bad. Lee doesn't feel bad. But at least you guys could keep entertained and you guys know I got your back and I love you with all my heart.

We're going to try to keep doing this as long as they let us, you know, as long as the cop, like Lisa, don't need a lot of it to drive over. You don't need dick. The cops get behind you, just press go. Tell me the truth. You say that until I call you. Joey, they arrested me. Can you come get me?

No, wrong number. I'll pay pal. No worry. Yes, I'm going to leave me in there. No, I'm not going to throw you in jail. They're going to give you a fine. You know, I don't want them to give you a fine. But most importantly, I didn't want you to get sick for a stupid move or for me to get sick.

That's why I've been on you for the last two weeks to get healthier, to stop with this fucking cough, and to get to the bottom of this. Because we can't be around each other. I have a six-year-old, a seven-year-old, and I have my own responsibilities. So from now on, everybody around me. I mean, I don't want nobody around me. for the next couple weeks. Stand up, I don't know what's happening. You don't know what's happening.

I don't have a fucking crystal ball neither to you. So until I know I'll keep you posted on dates and whatnot. Listen, you're not alone, number one. You're not the only one who's going to this. Okay, everybody's going through this right now. Take a breath. Deep breath, look up, be thankful for your life. Be thankful they gave you another fucking day.

And mind your business. Don't go out. There's nobody need to know. No, nobody's nothing. If you need coffee from Starbucks, hang yourself now. Stop it. You don't need no fucking coffee from Starbucks. You're going out for the essentials, okay?

You're not going out. Don't go to fucking a big supermarket. Do not go to a big supermarket. You cannot be this dumb. And if you go shopping, it's at 801, at 701. Go to those side little supermarkets, like a little Hindu market. They got fucking the essentials in there. You know what I'm saying?

They got curry, which you're not going to buy. which you're not going to buy, but they got milk, they got bread, they got eggs. They eat eggs. The Hindus love eggs. If anybody's got an egg right now, it's the fucking Hindus, okay? And I love them. I, you know, I ain't mad at nobody. I'm just telling you the truth. Do not go to those big chains. Please do it for your Uncle Joey. You know where the little ones are. You drive by them every day. They got the essentials. Ground beef is ground beef. Just don't buy to the bat market. All right? Don't buy to the bat market. Ground beef is ground beef. So you can still make your fucking meatballs.

You could still make your spaghetti sauce. You can still do whatever. Listen, for these next two weeks, I'm trying with all my heart not to get a fight. You know, I've been dying without my fucking burrito, my bean and beef, my bean and cheese burrito. Really? You like it that bunch?

I love it. I love beans. Okay. But I can't go to that because there's always, there's no social distancing. Right. And there's people sitting and eating there. So that scares the shit out of me.

I want to support local people. You know, I want to support local people. If you, once you told me you weren't eating out no more. No, you can't. If you're not eating out, then I'm not eating out. So I'm trying to support the places like I've been craving fucking sushi. Oh, me too, yeah. Oh, I've been craving sushi more than all you motherfuckers.

But do I go? No, so I don't want to fucking hear anybody fucking crying. We're going to deal with the guidelines. We're going to do what the fuck they tell us to do. And that's it. And this all fucking pass. I get to live. You get to live.

Your parents get to live. Your grandparents get to live. This is a happy ending. If you don't fucking stay home, it's only going to get worse. I don't know you're hurting. I know you missed this. Listen, go to a liquor store.

Again, not the popular liquor store. Go to the ones where the real alcoholics go to it. You know what I'm saying? Where you go there, you see three guys fill them out a lottery ticket. If there's three guys filling out a lottery ticket, you're at the right place. Those guys are looking for a pay day.

They take care of themselves. They know a better day is coming. those little degenerate gamblers right now because there's nothing to gamble on. Right. So right now they're just paying lit tickets. They're just banging out tickets. You can't even go to Vegas.

You can't even go to Vegas. So you can't even gamble. Only my bookie can help you out with the gambling. If you want to play cards, shit like that, they got the online casino. They can help you. But I mean, gambling on sports and just typical gambling and all that shit's dead.

That shit's dead as we know it. So go to the hidden liquor store. were unfucking believable. Street fucking immigrants in front of my place speaking that maha-ha-ha-ha-ha shit while I'm trying to do a fucking podcast and they're waving at me like, you see I'm talking into a microphone,

they're waving at me like, hello, hello. Unbelievable. I think this is making people dumb as shit too. But that's it and that's that, man. Those are the rules for the next two weeks. We will be back Monday morning, nice and early. I will not fucking leave you guys out to dry. I don't do that shit.

Like I said, stand up. I don't know what the fuck's going on. I haven't spoken to anybody about that. I spoke to Tom Rhodes. I've spoken to a couple people. I've checked in with Dean Delray, Steve Simone, Lee. I've spoken to Theo. I've spoken to Joe.

I've spoken to Sam. So I've kept in touch with the troops. Everybody's flying on our end. I love you guys. I love you for supporting us. And listen, God bless you guys. Like I said, I know you're hurting. But you got to keep moving.

I'm getting anxiety too. Lee, when I came up here, I didn't have anxiety. I did, yeah, I was surprised. I have anxiety. It's fucking high, but I'm making it fucking happen, okay? I want to thank you guys for supporting us.

I want you to thank you for listening, and I want to thank you for being here, and thank you for being fucking for your strength. Thank you for all the social media love. I'm there every day fucking with you motherfuckers. You know, like I told you yesterday, it's April 2nd. Jews are mad today.

They're fucking serious. My rent, my rent. there's a Jew right now fucking burning down his own building is the first time in the history of fucking life I have the worst Jew didn't get 22 fucking checks on a fucking they're all sitting there scratching the head She said that the worst letter I got a letter You know we need our money too so please pay your rent

That's pretty much what they said Yeah they didn't give a fuck they don't give a fuck about nothing All of you hearing is bullshit there's no man But there's a mandate Yeah then I can get you up The mayor relay said no fucking eviction So go fuck yourself you could fucking go on her door

knock on her door naked and rip up the check and throw her in her face and go, there you go. And then on top of it, take some pubis and throw them in her eyeball too. Who gives a fuck? It's minor assault. You only do four days like John Jones. You know what I'm saying? I can shoot a mule and get a DUI and do four days.

Tremendous. I love it. No, he's got four days of house arrest. Oh, geez. Oh. He played a guilty to his second DUI, third on paper. And he got four days. I love John Jones, but they're not doing nothing to help them. But that has nothing to do with me, you, or anybody else.

All we need to take care of is ourselves right now. Pray for themselves, and you motherfuckers, I love you to death. Before you go real quick, do me a favor. Right now, you need supplements more and ever. You need to raise your immune system. Work out, breathe, stretch, a little yoga. Even I've been, my back's fucked up, but I've been throwing punches. I'm going to go home, and Mercy's going to hit the pads today.

We're going to hit the bag together. We've been hitting the bag together. She's strong, dude. Maybe that's why your back hurts. No, she is strong. But she hits the pads. I hold them for a... Listen, I got to work her, too,

because she's got the energy of fucking 10 athletes, bro. It's scary. It's tough being a homeschooler. You know, I got to draw a fucking rocket ship today at some point because she has to draw an astronaut. So trust me, everybody has it rough right now. Nobody is going through this slowly. My wife is...

She's not losing it, but the dude... death of the property manager hit a little home with her. So I don't want this to happen to any of you guys. So please take care of yourselves. I love you. Real quick. Supplements. You got to go with on it.

I love on it. Whether it's the kettlebells, whether it's the club bats, you know. But all I can help you with right here is the supplements was the MCT oil, the new total hemp, alpha brain, shroom tech, shroom tech, immune and sport. Very important at this time. New mood. very important at this time. Two days ago, somebody already jumped off the bridge.

It's starting a building in New York. You know, nobody do this shit. Nobody, nobody. This should not be entering your mind. We're going to pass through this. But to pass through this, you need supplements, you need help. You need to exercise. You need to sleep.

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I want to thank CBD line I want to thank all of you for supporting us and for staying home and fucking conquering this fucking thing before it takes us down thank you for giving us another week

and thank you for listening you bad motherfuckers stay home and mind your business all right I got no dates is over see you Monday morning nice and early stay black

have a great weekend stay healthy stay home and mind your business you don't know fucking nothing you don't want no immigrants outside your door talking either kick this fucking Muley.