The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #777 - Eleanor Kerrigan

Episode Date: April 13, 2020

Eleanor Kerrigan, a stand up comedian and the cohost of "The Comedy Store Podcast," joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt LIVE in studio. This podcast is brought to you by: Stamps.com -  Use code JOEY for a 4 week trial which includes postage and a digital scale. Go to Stamps.com, click on the Radio Microphone at the top of the homepage and type in church.   MyBookie.ag -  Use code promo joey to get a 50% match on your first deposit up to $1,000. 

Greetings some podcasts,ville. It's Monday, April, what, 13th? Yeah. April 13th, it's a beautiful motherfucking day to be alive. For starters, the church is brought to you by, my bookie. Listen, you got another week at the house. You got another two, three, four fucking weeks. Everything's canceled.

But guess what, bitch? They couldn't build fire island. the Fight Island fast enough. They got like 20 Mexicans headed to an island to build the Fight Island. People are losing their fucking minds. But right now we're talking about right now. There ain't no unemployment. You still didn't get your little fucking triad check, whatever the fuck you were going to get.

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Everybody else is scratching, fucking trying to breathe, and here you are within money. Fuck them. Anyway, the church is also brought to you by stamps.com. Everyone is avoiding crowds right now. You, me, everybody. But if you need to go to the post office, what are you going to do? You might be running a small business.

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Do me that favor. The H-U-R-C-H. That's Stamps.com, press in church. Stay safe. my friends. Kick this motherfucking meal league. Oh shit.

It all's like fucking today. No more fucking excuse. This is the year of the fucking soldier. We're going in like fucking Marines. You understand me?

Welcome to church, motherfucker. Oh shit. It's Monday morning. Easter stuff sticks. But today's Monday, you bad motherfucker. It's a beautiful day

to be alive. I got my beautiful cousin's sister, my Gumba, fucking Eleanor come in for a couple minutes. We don't have to do no fucking zoom boom or loom.

That's what I need is fucking zoom in my life. If I was going to risk anything for anybody, it'd be you Joe Diaz. What the fuck? You've been in quarantine? You've been home? I've been in quarantine. I've been hiding out. It locked me in. And you live by yourself, right? Yeah, all by myself. It's exciting. When was the last time he did stand up?

I did in my mirror a couple days ago. I was I bombed hard, so I was like... You know, when all this started, I remember, Remember all of us like, oh, there's nothing. We're going to all go to fucking IG stand up live and do comedy. And one night you get up and you're like, this ain't going to work. You didn't try it.

No. No, I saw John Oliver. I was ready to try it. John Oliver did great on his show for considering. First week it was so bad. And I'm like, if John Oliver bombed, I'm going to die a slow death. So I'm not even going to try this shit. And I didn't do it.

Fuck it. I'm not doing it. People keep texting or not texting, but hit me up on like the social media platforms. They're like, well, you do stand up in your living room? I'm like, bitch, I don't have a living room. I live in a studio. You want me to stand by my bed? I don't want to do nothing.

And my couch? I don't want to do nothing. Sick. Nobody's podcast. I don't want to do nothing. I don't mind podcast. I like that. I got enough problem doing my own podcast and homeschooling.

Yeah. Oh, yeah. All of a sudden. You're all of a sudden. You're a fucking. You're fucking school now. Imagine Joe Diaz is your son. teacher. And you imagine this shit. And I got to go in there and make sure everything is all right,

hunky doodle. You know, I show it how to play dice. I do the whole fucking thing. Oh, you're good. Yeah. No, I do the math. I try to make the math different. There's a different approach to math. There's math, fucking idiots, the math they teach you. Yeah. Oh, they have a whole new math. How many times have you used calculus since you graduated high school? You had calculus? What about that fucking thing that you put the needle in and spin it around. Pro tractor. That's it. Fuck, do you see my brain go blind? Yeah.

Yeah, so we don't need that. I use it to poke a ball sack. That's all you need to know. How to count Guitus and count Guitous on the move. I love Geter. Give me fucking five times on the Jets, five times in the Knicks and a five-time parlay. You got to have that figured out all in your fucking top of your head right off the bat.

$5 to win, $6 to lose. Fuck yeah. Five-time parlay. What is it? 35 to lose. need a win. That's it. That's all, you know, you got to work like that. Math works quickly. So I'm trying to get how to

do the math. And that's it, just waiting out the storm. I'm not as depressed as most people. Yeah, I go up and down. I go up and down. I have my nights. I have like three good nights. And then one night I sit down, I go, what the fuck? I'm in Communist Cuba.

Yeah, what did they do in Communist Cuba? They probably have better music. Well, you could go out. You go to a park. you know, this is, I understand the ramifications of this and I get it. I get all this shit. So, are you still going out and going to parks? They close most of them, right?

Like, you can't, yeah. It doesn't take a genius. The first time I went walking, I walked like for two days and then I realized that I got motherfuckers behind me and I got people in front of me. Yeah, you're like, and you're sucking in their exhaust. It doesn't take a genius. to know that. And when there's 40 people there, I work off

percentages. Percentages is what I work off. Yeah. The more people, the higher density you have. If you go fucking again, what do they say, six feet? Yeah. I'm usually a 12 foot type of motherfucker. And it's really 27 because if I

sneeze, that's how long it stays in the fucking air. That's how you clear a room. Oh, there we go. The spray. Oh, my God. All right, that's a lot. That's a lot. My eyes are going to That's got fucking whatever in it so it kills everything. It's a sanitizer. Okay.

Yeah. That's amazing. I need that for the grocery store. And then we got the Lysol, see? If you go to the grocery store. These are tremendous. What is that? Mace.

Mace. Mace for fucking social distancing. Mace. Social distancing. People come over. Joey, how I die right in your eyeball. That's it. Don't tell the house where.

You tweeted something or put something up about people coming over to talk to Your dog and shit? No, people come over and they bring that stupid ugly dog, and they think that they're interesting, like that you want to hear about their stupid dog. Exactly. And I get, we have needs. You're not supposed to pet a dog right now.

You're not supposed to do shit right. We have needs of human beings. Yeah. Okay, I'm not mad at anybody. Nobody should take this wrong. I understand the needs. Yeah. From the psychological, the needs of the human being.

We need contact, when he touch. We need love, we need water, we need a lot of things. Yeah. Okay, so when you're at a park, when you're at a supermarket, you know, I'm not worried about Illinois. I'm not worried about me. You're worried about the other people. Yeah. The guy behind me that hasn't taken a shower.

Ew. He does have a fucking cough. And he is coughing into his hand. He's touching shit. He's looking at calories. and sodium, because those are the jerkoffs that do that. Yeah, yeah. All those people are jerkoffs that do that.

Susan, next door to me, told me, third, fourth day of this, she went to 65 and over shopping. She goes, she never saw anything like that in her life. At Gelson's. If you go at 6 in the morning, it's for people over 65. Right. She said at 6 in the morning, she saw a lady tasting a soup. She had a mask on.

She pulled up a mask. I can't. And put it back into the soup and closed it. Oh, no. Like a salad dip that was on the open. Oh, man. So that's why that, you know, that's going to disappear from the world. Menchies, all that stuff.

Oh, it has to. All that stuff, that's all going. Because people are disgusting. In the new world, this is all moving on. That's it. You're not going to go to Menchies no more. Not that I love Menchies. Think in New York.

Anything that has things on the outside. But as human needs, if they people, put both of us on island and tell us, don't talk to them. We had a war with them 2,000 years ago, whatever. But we have to walk outside the compound. Me from going to prison, I learned that. I learned that even people who are enemies, once there's a circle when people start walking, you get closer to each other. It's what we do. Yeah. It's what we do. Just start migrating toward it. It hasn't set into people. I was already all in it March 2nd.

Wow. That's where I stopped going to the store on March 2nd. I didn't know that. That was the last time I went into the store because I could still see the hugs and people, let me take a picture. And I'm like, did you not see the same news I saw it today? Yeah. So right down and there, last time I went out was March 7th and after this.

And you know, then you see what are the tax? It attacks this, this, this, this and this. So I'm high fucking risk, so it's over. Yeah, you're smart. See you later by. It's over. I was out there until they said you can't go out no more. The 14th.

Yeah. The 14th. And then I did, the Laugh Factory was the only place open. The store closed. Because they were doing, this is itching my nose. They were doing just the original room, which is smaller, obviously. And, you know, because you can only have a certain amount of people out. And then Peter, who.

who owns the store, he was like, nope, this is bad. We're gonna, we don't want the liability, which is kind of smart. Yeah. I know for a fact if his mother was still running it, she would still be fighting everyone to keep it open right now. That's just how she was. And, but he was smart to do that because they are making money.

And legally, if somebody gets sick there, they could get sued, God forbid. But the lab factory, they're just that one room. and he was stayed open he stayed open until i think i did three extra shows for jamie he's doing right now uh live streaming comedy yeah during the day so i did it one day it it felt good as a comic like to get that out but like he they clean everything there's no more it's the same as this except for we were further apart and uh it was me alonzo bowden and bill dolls. And I felt good. You could see people writing in like, you know, asking questions,

but I couldn't read it. It was too small. So I was just like, I'm just going to keep telling what my quarantine is like. And I wound up doing like 35 minutes. Wow. But I got it out. And I like that Jamie's doing it. Tiffany Haddish did it the other day. Like it's just, it's different than standing in your living room and like, you know, holding a microphone and being like, you're at a comedy club, you're on a stage, and it just, you're just telling what your shit is like, basically. It's keeping the laugh factory alive, I guess, because they're small. They're not going to, it's going to be a tough survival. I'm not ready for that yet. I'm not ready. Psychologically, I'm not ready at all. I'm ready to get up on a stage. I really miss stand-up. I missed the stage.

And like I don't watch new shit. My whole world is still Hicks and Martin Lawrence. I love that. I watched a bunch of old deaf comedy jams. I found the one that I was looking for with D.L. Hugley hosting and getting a standing ovation. Okay. That's the one that's a little later.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I watched that one, and I fucking. my head blew up because I want to go out. I want to go out. Yeah. That's the problem with watching stand-up. You're a kid.

When I was a kid, I would watch a basketball game from one to four. And you want to do it. Because I was going to learn the moves. And then I was going to go to a quarter four and do the moves that they did. So here you are. That's what I used to do. Watch those old tapes. Yeah.

I watched an old Hick special from HBO the other night that wasn't the best in the world, you know, looking at it now. Hicks was wild. He was prolific. He was just... Yeah, no, no, no. He wasn't necessarily like your... Right.

He didn't need to hit you. Rock and sock him. Yeah. He wanted to get something out and get it out a certain way. I watched... He was really saying something. Oh, I always, I watched Andrew from Philly.

Oh, that's what made him famous. That's what made him famous. Yeah. I watched that again. I've been watching... I watched Joan Rivers a lot. I wanted to watch the stuff that made me fall in love with comedy. Like, I'm falling in love with comedy,

gradual again. That little romance, we're on the phone, we're not fucking yet. We're on the phone for like 20 hours. Your mom's yelling at you. Yeah. Like, that's what I'm going through right now.

I'm going through that romance. You know, it's a different romance. I know I got another, it'll be another two, they're saying May 15th. I say June 1st. Yeah. You're giving me anxiety.

I can't even think about it. We're talking about another six weeks before we could really, even if they do four, I'm still going to give it a week or two. I'm giving it that night. You got kids. You got something to live for. I'm good. No, no, no.

What I want to do is, I want to let people go out first. Okay. And do that thing, you know, and really let them and then see how the store pans out, who comes back. Yeah. Who didn't move to Chicago. Yeah. I'm a clean. person, man. These people are crumbs.

The crumbs's got to go. You got to remember that this is devastating nationwide as an earthquake. Of course. People are going to rethink. Look at what we're doing. We're doing a podcast with mask going. You know how weird this is? People are going to rethink their lives. They're going to rethink.

Is it worth going out? I asked a friend of mine about another friend of mine from here that was having a hard time. And I asked him and he goes, he's gone. He went back home. Yeah. Thank God, because he wouldn't last it these two months here. This is two months of hell.

Yeah. A lot of people are. Yeah, I know a lot of people that left. A lot of people are not in town. A lot of people picked up and said, we'll come back when the party resumes. Yeah, if the party resumes. Hey, I'm close, man. The party's going to resume.

Yeah. But it's going to resume a different way that we've ever. And nobody knows how, so don't worry about it. Enjoy this time off. I know that a lot of people are struggling right now financially. I told you, motherfucker, three weeks ago, not to wait for a check. Yeah. I told you three weeks ago, not to wait for a check.

To get a mask, go to Rouse, Pathmark, ShopRite, Shock and Presh, Lord Doe's Bakery, all those places. I love that you say Pathmark. Yeah, all those places need help right now at night. All those places need help right now at night. Yeah, but, but Johnny's doing it. He's a bartender, and he's doing it in Philadelphia. I told a friend of money, he goes, but don't be playing a lot. 11 and hour. Well, it's more than the government's going to give you.

By the time you get that check, you're absolutely right. Go to work. I'm telling you. I'm telling you from experience. Go to work. I might do it myself. Don't wait for fucking this. I know people. I know something. I know a comic right now. A dear friend comic that has a night job. And that's fine. They call me the other night. He goes, I'm not going to do this. I'm not. He goes, I can't sit there at night thinking about this shit. It'll go crazy. I got myself a little night job. He goes, I'm not going to make a lot of money, but I'm doing

It just, he goes, I keep the mind busy. The only thing I won't do is Uber. Like, I'll do Uber eats. I don't mind dropping shit off to you. But I can't do pickup people. Well, is anyone even getting in an Uber now? I wouldn't get in an Uber now. I don't know, but those are the ones dying first.

And that's something for, like, because I know there's a lot younger kids who listen to this. And we've talked about how, like, college is weird and stuff. A lot of Uber people are doing this. You have to pick, you have to pick your career is different. I think a lot of careers are changing. Well, like, yeah, my brother's a bartender. Yeah. We work with live performance.

So we need audience. We need customers, if you will. So if I was a kid, I might be like, you know what? Maybe I'll get into apps. I can do that from home. If anything happens, building apps or just anything you can do from home now. I think it's going to explode. I don't know how to do that.

Build an app. No, we can't do what I'm saying kids going to college. Oh, kids. Yeah, it's too late for us. I thought you met us. I was like, build an app. I can't even do a Zoom podcast. I'm an idiot.

It's going to change. We don't know what it's going to do. I have no, you know, my dates were scattered anyway. I didn't really have a semester. I had a lot right now. I was going to. The soprano movie, it's going to get pushed back. It doesn't take a genius.

How are they going to do it? Are you going to put it on a movie September 25th? Everything's backed up already. Nothing's really been released the last three weeks, right? They release trolls. I watched trolls the other night with Mercy. They put Ozark out a little earlier. Yeah.

But no, no, I'm talking about movies. Movies, yeah, it's a big deal. All those movies that were supposed to come out the next couple weeks, they're not coming out. I think, didn't AMC close? They're talking about it, yeah. Well, why can't they do it like streaming, like on TV where you pay? That's what they're trying to figure out now.

I mean, all these things, they cannot know. Everybody's sitting there. It's like a hotel room in theaters now. Ready to go. Ready to go. Right. Ready to go. I saw something that was very smart.

The place on Suns on Ventura Boulevard, they switch their restaurant around quickly, so you get sushi at the window. Like the fucking. Yeah, a lot of people are doing that. Like that thing. So that's smart right now. If you're a restaurant owner,

you really want to make money, switch to a window, put a glass on it with little holds, just like they do in New York. Yep, quick. So nobody can stick their hand in, boom, boom. The only thing that goes in is do your pad

for your thing. There's an outside. There's a wiper with a thing for your glove to wipe the pad after you do it and start selling fucking burritos and tacos.

That'll go for it. But what will happen is you get the congregation of people. That's what. Yeah. I've seen the lines. Get the fuck out.

You know, get the fuck out. That's the problem you have. Today, supposedly, all the parks are closed. Yeah. Like today you can't step foot. Which one? Down here, it was a gaggle of it.

I think they were homeless. Yeah, I think they were homeless. I got to be honest. Because they were just like all together. And I was like, are they having a meeting? Like where should we go or where is everybody? Because I live right behind a really busy restaurant and a beauty supply. And I am telling you, L.A. is such a strange city to go through something like this with.

Every day, including today, a woman pulled up in a Porsche. Went right up to the restaurant, pulling the door. Like, really? One, it's Easter, ho. Two, we're in a pandemic. You think these people are open? This is the best restaurant in Los Angeles or whatever, like a very... What are you doing?

So you test your mask to see if it's telling you good. Give it. I thought you were going to set yourself on fire. Yeah, I didn't know what happened either. This is great. I was thinking about it. I'm excited. You gotta remember, we live in a, look.

LA's a strange place. This is a strange. They're still pulling up to the beauty supply store going, are you serious? And I'm like, yeah, fucking idiots. John Oliver last week. I adore him for doing it. He killed. The Italian parliament, when they started yelling at people.

Oh, the mayor's? What they were saying to people was not free. Oh, yeah, yeah. In Italian, they were calling scumbags. They were not talking to them. tell you public the way ours no that's what we need we need real shit this dude was like

right here about them people coming over to mobile mobile hair cut what are you getting the haircut for the casket how you're going to look at the casket that's who you get the haircut for people getting mobile hair cut that's good fear yeah one guy went on and just

rammed exercises he just distorted stay home eat pasta everybody want to run now yeah I've gained a good 10 pounds you know i thought i can go out of weight and i didn't gain as much as i did i gave like two pounds i don't have a scale you have a scale i got a scale that was scary i don't have one i got one i'm not your average chick i got one i was scared i was like that's not bad that's not but i haven't gone crazy either i have i have not going crazy how have you coped at the last

three so you've been home three weeks i've been home since march 14 march 15th okay uh No stage time. No stage time. Yeah. So that's making you a little nutty. So you've been home to the St. Patty's Day. Yeah. So I'm thinking like, I'll just, okay, I'll bake.

I like to bake. I was going to go back to Philly. And then I was worried because I was supposed to be in Philly that week with Dice. I had a bunch of dates and they all got canceled. Portland, Reno. We were in Philadelphia, Chicago, Michigan, all got canceled. So, which is fine. whatever I get it we got to figure this out

but I was like what am I going to do if I go to Philly my mom's 82 I don't want to be another person adding to God forbid because I got to fly there so then I got to go in quarantine for another 14 days so I can't be near anyway you know what I mean so I was just like

I'm just going to stay here I'm I'll bake I'll keep myself busy I'll do podcasts I started I started playing with my YouTube channel I'm like I'll do rants what a dick And so then I started baking. And I made like a seven-up cake and cheesecake cupcakes, cinnamon cupcakes, all kinds of shit.

And I'm just eating them like, oh, okay. And then I'm like, why do I feel so sick? And now I feel like a beached whale just stuck in the apartment. What are your emotions feeling? A little crazy. Like some days I'll just start crying for no reason. I'm like, is this menopause or they're pandemic? Like you have to figure it's hard to figure out which is which.

So I, because I'm close. I'm on, I think this is menopause age. I don't know. But, you know, like you're, when you start getting emotional like that, I get a little freaked out. I'm like, what do I do? I was like, I'll write, I'll finish my script. I have no. Focus.

Nobody has. I need, I need to be snorty Adderall. How crazy is that? You sit down, you go to write. I've written, I haven't written a bit, but I have written funny snippets. Same. And I have it all over my apartment. I've caught myself saying funny stone snippets that make me and Lee giggle.

Yeah, yeah. And I have written them down as something, a starting process. But as far as writing, I did write something I was impressed with. that I I know I was high when I was writing and how do you write? Do you type it? Do you handwrite? I go from a notebook first

I get a couple sentences going on a notebook and I concrete it type it out in the computer and I never do the second part and since I have two hours that you're always working on you add where it needs to be added that's what I've been doing for the last two years

the iPad has been a game changer for me. It has helped me more than, I don't have no writing. If you ask me, is there an app? No, it's just called whatever. It's got a feather on it. Yeah. And you're going to press it. And it has different chapters.

No, I'm with you. I'm with you. Same. I'm not good. If you want me to sit there and I came up with the next, what the narrative should be for my next special. Oh, okay. That's good.

That's a big deal. If I'm looking at a time frame, I'm really looking at 2021 to start doing comedy again. I got a week in June in Brea, which might work or might not work. Well, that's right here, yeah. Open and they'll allow 40 people for show. Yeah. Hopefully. This is the good thing about, this is something I was thinking about the other day,

is that for me, right now it's my turn. to shine if when comedy comes back because most people like you sell out theaters and stuff so you're not going to want to perform in front of 20 people i've been doing that for years i'm fine with it i'm not they can sit six six feet apart you got to remember one thing that i am very excited about a lot of things right now i am more excited than depressed i am more excited about the future i've already mourned the past yeah i've mourned it i understand that 40% of my audience has evaporated ready to do the financial. Financial health, all of it.

Financial problems. This is just the way it is. If you were selling 3,000 tickets a month, you're now selling 1,600. Don't question it. It's not that you didn't get funny. It's that you're charging money. And this is where we're at.

And right now people just don't have it. So you have to assume all these things up front. My ticket prices are going right back to 25. Yeah. You know, Thursday night, 20, I'm here with you. I'm in this battle with you. Yeah. I'm saying?

I'll play the numbers. If it's 200 a weekend, it's 200 a weekend. Until I get a vaccine, I don't see myself going five hours on a plane. The plane is the hardest part, I think, for us. I could tell you right now, this is why I'm asking you about your anxiety level. at your house during the daytime. How are you, have you tried to exercise?

Oh, I do so many exercise. That's the, that's why I'm not a thousand pounds overweight, but I, I'll just put YouTube on. I'll do a class with somebody. My friend Stacia does a class every day at noon. Rocco's doing yoga. Rocco still at noon. You know, Ari Sheffir is doing yoga if you want, like, if you want it for funny or not or

whatever, everybody's trying to help each other. And it's all free. So you can do classes with people. Like when I did my friend Stacey's, she's built amazing. And so she had like 30 people on there. And we were just killing it, doing all kinds of exercise. And you feel way better if you exercise. But then there's days when I get up and I'm like, I'm not doing it today.

I'm not exercising. I'm just going to lay here like a lump. You know, it gets, it'll take over. I've been doing something six days a week. just so I stay active. I'm not doing my complete workout. Yeah. I'm doing some kettlebells, a lot more boxing.

Yeah, kettlebells. I hit the hold the midst of mercy and make myself walk around. I had a bounce challenge with her. I have a nine-pound ball and a 16-pound ball, and we try to slam them. You know, and Keita sent to the workout for a slamming. And I go, who doesn't know their workouts? She's like, Daddy, that's the same thing we did.

I go, yeah, but he had out of the jump to it. So it's even better. I had her out there yesterday. Nice. I think the exercise has helped me a lot. The exercise truly, but I've got to tell you something. It's always helped me,

but now it's helping me even more. It's so weird how much this really puts a stress on you. And you guys at home know what I'm talking about because for me to warm up, I just drove, I just hit the box and a bunch of bag. Do you have a bag at your house? I have a bag at the house.

Oh, thank God. I would kill for that bag. That bag would be broken. right now if I had it. That bag is saved my wife's life. People on the street's life. I see doing stupid shit still with no mess. Oh, yeah.

I had chased a guy out of my carport the other night, breaking windows. Yeah, it's weird. So I hit the bag as a warm-up, and I, you know, I can hit that bag for eight minutes before. It's two minutes. It is different. Because the breathing and the stress is so high. So I got to really push the five minutes. I put a timer on on my iPhone, and I really,

push it to five minutes. And then after I do the first five minutes, I say, okay. And then I do another five, and then I'm a little better, and then I get the 16-pound bowl and slam it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. When I do my third five, now I'm really good. I'm like, okay, now I see why

I'm doing this. I like that sweat to come out of me, and it smells like drugs. Oh, my God, the smell that comes out of me is pure THC. My wife goes, When I smell that when I open up your... She gets high. The dryer with your sweatshirts in it, it smells like pure marijuana.

Oh my God. So it's like in there for good. It's in my system. I'm lucky to be able to sweat and do all that shit in the backyard. Yeah, the yard is a big deal. I'm doing it in front of my TV in the studio, which is kind of annoying.

I mean, I could go, like the alley is empty, so I could go out there and jump rope and stuff pretty much, but then you've got to deal with the vagrants. The vagrants just walk by. They're paying the ass. A couple of them have set up, you know, the tents and stuff, which could just be people from my building that can't afford rent that moved. Who knows?

You know what I mean? I don't mess with them unless they do stupid shit, then I yell. I'm like, hey, man, get out. Like, I'll just scare them. And then they usually, if as soon as they hear something, they run away. You know, they're like, here comes a crazy lady. Why is she carrying a baseball bat? uncomfortable. I got like a 45 pound kettlebell, 2.35s. I have a 15er. And then I got

two 15s. Both of them are different. Okay. You got a lot of kettlebells. I only have one. I have to do a farmer walks. Well, kettlebells, you hold. Farmer carries. Oh, Firemer carry. And you just walk with it. Yeah. I do five minutes and I'm fucking done the next day. I do that with jugs of water. You got to listen, if you don't do that, the stress will build. Definitely have to move around. I don't want to. Right now I know my limit. Like I already in my mind I have a timetable.

It's so weird that they did a poll and they said that 70% of people will not go to an event without a vaccination. Right now. And I'm thinking, wow, if that poll, they say most polls are 10% off. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. We're shot. Yeah. That's what I'm telling you.

We lost 40% of our audience. Yeah. So what you're trying to tell me is we're going to open, and the first three months we're going to be limited schedule to September. And then they might run 500 people, and then we'll start back up on that. I do not see the NFL on that timetable. I know.

My nephew got called back to baseball in May. Okay. Yeah, they're going back, but they're going back when no hot dog vendors. Yeah. And no popcorn. I hate hot dogs. They'll take a chunk this year. But next year, if they're going to do this again, they're coming back with a Dodger package.

$2.94 for the whole season. Oh, you're a Red Sox fan. Well, we'll give you the Red Sox and the Dodgers. Yep, yep. The 384. All the games, just their games. No more watching. What are you guys thinking about?

Because I'm new, so I feel like I'm basically starting over. Like, you guys are talking about getting audience to the show. But, like, how are you guys going to be at stand-up with that after? a two-month break. I'm starting all over again. Same. I think we're all starting all over again. It's a clean slate.

This is why I'm saying I'm excited as far. Right. I am excited as far. That makes me so scared. I'm starting with 15 minutes sets. Yes. At the comedy store, the bomb. Yes.

I'm not taking a week nowhere. Nobody wants to see me and I'm not forced from nobody. If I haven't been on stage for two months right now, I am socially cleansed. I am starting from scratch. There is nothing to come watch. Why do you think I told these people two months ago to take your money back?

I told them already. Take your money back, people. What are you doing? What are you doing? You're going to sit there and wait. I ain't coming nowhere. I ain't coming, well. I'm 57.

Elvis is dead and I don't feel so good myself. I'm done. I'm not going nowhere. Same, man. Once they give me a pill because I'm holding out for the pill. You ain't going to shoot me. How long do you think before a vaccine?

scene. I don't have a fucking fortune teller. But I will tell you what's going to happen for Uncle Joey. They're going to open up the city. They're going to open up one of these comedy clubs. I'm going to call him for three spots, for two spots a week, the first two weeks. I'm calling every night. To get my immune system up to talk to people. Okay.

Hi, how are you? Just to test people. Hey, do you want to take a picture? Go fuck yourself. You know, just a test picture. Pictures are out. All that shit is done with. No pictures, no handshake.

Don't even elbow me. Yeah. Because I'm lighting this sweatshirt on fire. I'm ordering a bunch of disposable, flammable sweatshirts that just go on flames from minutes, okay? I already got a plan. I'm taking special. Sweats shirts are like your mask. I'm buying new jeans, new everything, and I'm taking COVID clothes.

I'm calling my COVID closet. And when I come in and then I got to go into the garage and take my COVID outfit off. and I got my own personal bathroom shower in the back behind the office fucking the best shower in the house nobody used the best you can lay down and whack off I can lay down on my back like a fuck

I'm doing the last posing yoga ummmas what's that last one I don't do yoga Shavazana I believe you well you just lay back like a fucking moron and think of all the bad things in your life I could somebody could sleep in my fucking shower

Oh my God that's great And the last night I went to the comedy store I turned that shower on high, hot. The only problem it's got to It doesn't flood as quick as the water comes in So you got to be careful in that Oh, is it clogged or you just It just doesn't suck it in

All of a sudden my plumber brain woke up I was like, oh, you got to put bacon soda and vinegar Next thing you know So yeah, I did everything You could take like an eight minute shower in there But you can't bang one out Which is the whole thing It's the whole thing is that water hit you

Yeah And you get that little tricky leg moving You know what I'm saying? You get the little right ankle moving and you're banging that jerk off. Gets a little shake. I get it. Oh, it hits you in the stomach. Yeah.

The cum, you let it go into the toilet. Mine usually goes right over to the wall. The high arc. The other day I saw some poor bastard over here by the fire department. Jerking off? No. They were washing the fire trucks and a homeless guy, a black dude, dressed like Clint Eastwood.

I hate a poncho on with a fucking, with like a little rope for on. The ugly Clinties. I just make the right on fucking, I just make the left on Magnolia. Okay. I'm headed towards the fire department. I'm doing the speed limit. I'm a no rush. There's nobody on the streets.

I think I'm doing like 15. I'm just killing time, dog. Yeah. I'm driving like I'm in prison. I'm in no rush to get back. You know what I'm saying? Your ankle braces has got a couple more minutes. I'm in no rush to get back.

Yeah. I see this homeless dude coming out from like the corner. And he's like, man, it's a beautiful. land will be alive. And also he saw the fire and shot getting washed me. He goes, water. No. He laid down on the floor on the corner. And he dicked his head into the stream that was coming from the fire department. And he was just drinking like a water drinks, like a cat drinks water from a toilet. Just like that. I pulled up next to him. I was like, the world has come to it. And I had, and I just kept driving.

And then thank God I saw my homeless dude, the gorilla. Yeah. Six foot six to weighty. The black dude, I just give him 20 bucks. Every time I see him, I just put it on the car hood. He gives me one of these. Nice. And then that night I see him by my house patrol in the area because he knows where I live.

Sure. He wants that 20. Bro, every time I see him, I duke him in 20. Everybody else is desperate. They're not desperate. They've always been in the desperate, the homeless. So, you know, we feel, crazy, but they're not, they've always been this.

I've been trying to help them more than that. Yeah, me too. Like, I didn't eat those cupcakes, I leave them out. I took a bunch of shit from the house. I have so much shit at the house. You know, I wonder, that's a little one over there by, uh, by, uh, Riverside under the bridge. Uh-huh. There's a Starbucks coffee. It's where Riverside meets the hunger. The hunger. I dropped them some books the other day and they were very thankful. Yeah. And I don't do it. I don't throw it out to win. I pulled over. There was a red light. Sure. And I brought the box and I go, here you go, here's going, guys. There's some boxes.

I gave him some old coat cuts I had, and I had some hamburger buns. And I gave him that and two things of water. The shit we take for granted. I took all those black T-shirts that people sent me, all my fat man sweat clothes and all that. And brought it up to the, they opened up a shelter for COVID in North Hollywood. I saw it on the news. So I think Tuesday, my wife dropped it off. Let me know, because I got... Two things of whatever. I put a couple things of spaghetti sauce in there.

Okay. You know, whatever, because I said I had extra stuff at the house. Yeah. That I could pass up. It's not, it's ragu. Right. And here's the thing. I'm always ready for an earthquake.

I want to help, but I don't have money, money. Right. You don't need money. But I have little things. Yeah, you have little things. Like... Like, so a lot of videos help. I took up on people.

I'll run errands. You know, I took a bunch of, I went to the... to the best pizza place and whatever. What's the place I go to? Pizza wagon. The pizza wagon of Brooklyn. I want to get that today. Oh, my God.

Is it open? It's open. Call them on. Order of Sicilian. Steve Simone told me about that. You pull up in front of the place. I want a Sicilian. Call him and go is Eleanor's order ready.

Yes. There's nobody in there. The doors are wide open. You don't have to. It's right on Ventura, right? Right on Ventura. I'm going on. I don't go nowhere where the door is open.

I'm feeling. to open up a door you already that your percentage is just going up to get COVID it's got to be I go afresco what are they call you ever go to a restaurant I go fresco I'm looking for a table do you want inside of fresco what are you talking about no I'm with you when you leave here right now I'm calling them and you Tom I'll be there Joey uncle Joey sent me and Steve Simone don't take care of you Steve's been telling me for months you go up there the pizza will be We were going to do a podcast there, but this thing hit. He loves it.

You give him a tip to the guys. I'll give him whatever he wants. Yesterday I brought them to church, which happened now. Water bottles, so I had my wife bring them water bottles. When I went up there, I brought them water bottles. I had my wife bring the water bottles to the shelter. Okay. She was going over there.

She was going to the woman's place and the homeless. We just cleaned out everything. Yeah, because I had too many books. I had too many books. I get T-shirts from everywhere, man. And I just had to send them out. I sent out a few jujitoo geese. In case a homeless motherfucker wants to turn to jujitsu,

now is the time. If you saw a homeless guy walking around in your outfit, would you just... I would pull over, take a picture, and give him a 20. All of a sudden you take a picture. You should get your homeless guy a ghee. That'd be bad ass. The big guy?

Yeah, yeah. No, I don't want him to know nothing. Yeah, yeah, that's a good one. He'll have a smell. Yeah, I know what Joey smells like. Nah. I already instruct him what he's got to do. Have you been calling your friends that are on house arrest?

Like, hey, man, now I understand. I don't know anybody's in house arrest. But I don't have any friends on house arrest. Oh. I've been to prison. So you... I have one that's been on and off for years. You understand the four walls.

Yeah. You've been in prison. I tell people all the time. But does that fuck with your anxiety from that? I've been very good because I learned how to move from room to room. Okay. I learned how to there's all these things you could do

to save yourself a lot of time. You're broke. You just heard let me explain something to you three weeks ago, two weeks ago was on the Rogan podcast. As we know, Rogan worked for the USC and has multiple jobs.

Sure. Rogan is well off. I asked him if he had been writing comedy and he said no. It's, and focus either. You can't focus. Nobody's focusing, guys. So if you're having a hard time there, don't stress on that. Don't stress on it. Everybody's having a hard time focusing. But you know what I don't have a hard time with? That's really been helping me reading. Thank God my brother Bob Lillinger's.

That's great. It takes a few pages. Okay. You've got to force yourself to those three pages. Those three pages you read, you'll have to come back to them and read them. Yeah. That's what I've been doing. But I've read, but I've read, I finished the book, and I read another book. And now I'm about to start the Jimmy Page book, he got me. There's a Jimmy Page book. That's going to hold me over for the rest of this. You know what's a great one, wired?

Do you ever rewired? By. The SNL book? Yes, yes. That's a great one. There's a thousand great books that you know about, and there's a million that you don't. Yeah. So.

I have the alchemist. I have all kinds of weird. I have a lot of books that are old that I've read. Like, I really wanted to read. Like, you know what I want to go through to right now? What? I was telling my wife last night. My wife and I was sitting,

my wife came to, because anything I go out with, like this sweatshirt is freshly out of laundry. Okay. But since I had contact with you and Lee, and I'm probably going to go for a ride after this, or I went to the weed store this morning. I washed this again.

Sure, these are the outside clothes. Same. This all goes in the water. Last night I got home, I went outside to smoke a number. I hadn't smoked all day. I hadn't smoked in like three days. I was really good on the reef. I've been doing one bomb, shit like that, but no. And yes, I was like, I could really go for smoking a joint. And I went and I smoked a joint. I came in and I wanted to get on the floor and stretch. So when my wife came in to hang the stuff, she turned around, she said, oh, you scared the fuck out of me.

And she asked me, are you okay? Yeah, I'm okay. And I asked her how she was doing. I could tell my wife was having a frustrating day yesterday because Mercy was getting frustrated. Yeah. And it kind of hurts your feelings because... You can't fix it.

You can't fix it. So I told her, you're not seven. Yeah. You can't understand the language. The language you call. And then her friends started calling the back in the house. Everybody calm. And I told my wife something that was really weird

that just started coming out. And it was the truth. I've got to be honest with you. The last four years, I haven't really been happy because things are going well. Right. But it wasn't to the level where I wanted them to be gone. Not that I want to be Cat Williams.

I'm not talking about that. I love that you pick Cat Willie. You know, I love Cat. I watch Cat, too. Cat's amazing. Cat's amazing. That first specials. I'm from my miss.

You don't like. Oh, I love it. Oh, okay. I was like. Tremendous. Yeah, Kat's great. I watched Cat Williams.

I go, I never wanted to be Cat Williams. Because he's so big. I never wanted to be Cat Williams or Kevin Ard. I'm happy who I am. Yeah. But you know what I missed? I missed not having. Listen, when somebody pays $25 bucks, $30, $3,250 to come see me,

I know they went to a restaurant. I know they bought weed. Yeah, yeah. For a guy like me, there's a little bit of pressure, but there's not. But I got to reality, there is a little bit of pressure. Yeah. It means I won't take as many gambles as I would. Exactly.

I want you to go home and tell your friends, you had a really good fucking time with me. When I go to the store on a Tuesday night, I'm that Joe Diaz. Yeah. I take gambles. I don't care if you get up and walk the fuck out to be honest with you. The store is the store. The store is the store. You got to know what it is.

I really don't care. if you get out and walk out and write a letter. Oh, I love it when you write a letter. I love it when I used to go in there. You know that we used to have a cabinet of letters? The Paul Mooney letter? How many do you get for Joey? Not as much for Joey, but Paul Mooney, we literally had a file cabinet filled.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I would watch them get up and run out. That's a podcast, right? Tourists and white tourists. Yeah. It's furious. Tell next door.

And he'd go up there and fucking scare them until they run out. Oh, go ahead, Hobie. Run off. So right now what I want to do is I want this to get back. Yeah. I want people to recover financially. I'm not looking for you to go anywhere. I'm saying for what I want to do. My plans are, because remember, a man without a plan is not a man.

I know you're broke. I know you're having a hard time. But at the same time, you should be planning. What are you planning? going to be with or without money what are you going to do you're not going to have the money you want that small business loan they've changed that four times in one week oh my god didn't he for it really yeah so don't worry about nothing nobody's getting nothing remember that remember that expression the best line and to live and die in l.a yeah I promise not to come in your mouth and I promise that the

checks in the mail there you go I just said to my mom I go I don't want to die in L.A. I I will drive back to Philadelphia. I'll die in Vegas. Yeah. I don't give a fuck. If I miss. If I overshund. Yeah. Like, we're going.

Just get me out of here. I'll die in the mountain in Colorado, but I don't want to die in L.A. and they put you up there next to Michael Jackson. Oh, fuck that. And people break in there at night and jerk off on your grave and shit. They think they jerk it off on Michael Jackson. Next thing, I'm getting droplets in my eyebrows. Yeah, you're like, I'm Gozzias, motherfucker.

Oh, fuck. They're out of caskets. Oh, so they're out of caskets. That means they got to make like what kind of casket they're going to put me in. What are you going to put me in? I'm not doing a casket. Are you doing a casket? I want to get eaten by worms.

They deserve to eat me. Somebody deserves to eat what's in my stomach. I want to see like, I want them to find 11 worms with different DNA from drugs. You're like high worms. Like right where I was buried like 2,000 years from now, they found these worms that had rear with. Do you know how fucking funny that would be?

They're all just high. They just stopped. They're on their backs just chilling out. Excuse me, Eleanor. Fly report. Fly report. I found my THC fly. He was living alive in the closet. This fly, I fucking did like signs with this fly. What are you still in a jar? I took this fucking jar. Oh no. I took this jar. I put little holes in the weed. And I would, when the, when the parson died in the sky, in the, in the wall, we had flies.

So I went after all of them and killed them. But I took a couple of them. I took their wings off. and I put them in this little jar one with a wing one without a wing shut up one I just knocked out it's like a handicap zone for flies I put like three or four flies in this fucking jar and I would feed them weed once a week I would take a little piece of my shit

on a little stick and put it in there let it drop in there and they go crazy and I give them like protein powder shit and fucking I'd give them like lobster shit if I ate like steak and then one day something happened the fly got out

they got out. And then one night I'm sitting there my fucking computer about a month ago and this superb fly lands and he's like making noises and shit

he's fucking huge like a satellite and I even hit him and he disappeared and then I found him like two days later living in my jacket I'm like

what the fuck he's got a hump you're like oh yeah this fly is fuck this is one of your flies so this is one of these mutants so I lost him

for like two weeks flying around like Marty Feldman with the big eyes dog, you gotta see this fly. He's fucking huge. Shut up. I do the THC and my shit and the protein pot of G. You gotta film him.

I think Joe created a new species of fly. He's gonna have Jeff Goldblum come out of that fucking thing. I created a new fucking fly dog. Oh my God. The Joey Diaz fly. How funny. That's great. I hate flies.

I've always hated flies. I'm with you. And when they lurk, when they get retarded by like the glass. Yeah. Because when they get on a glass and the sun hits them, something happens to them. That's when you get them and you just fuck with them. You take one wing off. Then they walk around wounded without the one ring.

You're like, how's it feel now, motherfucker? Then maybe you take the other wing off and they really get pissed off. My mom had a neighbor that did that. When I was a kid, I would put them on toothpicks and let them on fire. You ever hear him? They go, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, no, I never did it. Oh, they're going back for revenge now, Charlie.

Oh, that's what it is. I fucking hate that. This light's going to get fucking jacked up like a kangaroo. or some shit on your weird THC and shit you feed them and he's gonna get you who gets us you but that's he's gonna hug you in the middle with all the bad shit that's going on that's funny though just start planning your fucking yeah you're right planning is important you're your fucking trip now you what the next mission is going to be once this thing gets going it's going to be so this is the time where you start what you want to do listen if they're not going to pay you

the fucking suck dick but you always wanted to be a ballerina now is the time yeah i'm gonna be a webcam girl start from zero oh and whatever yeah what are you in doing a webcam i was thinking people pay to see my feet but i got some ugly ass feet boy they're 50 year old irish feet those things come on man i got size 10 they're big oh yeah nobody wants you can jizz all over them they're like six and a half oh you're gonna get messages after this i was dead i was at dinner i was at dinner with my my niece one night. She's a fucking med student. And she's very quiet,

very lucky. The sister's the opposite. 20 boyfriends. Nice. Pictures of her with bikinis. And this niece, the one that's in med school, she's the hotter one. Without even saying boo. Wow. Without even saying boo. So we

talking about, oh, so she told me. She told me. I guess. So what are you going to do to make money in med school? And she goes, I'm a tutor this. And she goes, my roommate, she's trying to talk me into selling pictures of my feet. I go, feet. People are crazy with this shit. I didn't even know it was a thing. And her mother was with me.

My sister was with us basically. And she goes, have you seen Mia's feet? They're beautiful. Mia's like, yeah, Uncle Joey, six and a half. Guys go crazy over him. So I'm like, really? But there's a girl online? I got to send mine out.

I got to give my heart out to her right now. She's got big feet? No, this girl has got a tremendous ass. Lee would love her. I've been doing so many squats in my apartment and eating, so I got the Kardashian ass right now. You can make money. Just don't look at my stomach.

Squatting with a bikini on. Shut the fuck up. I started my Patreon. My Patreon is different, though. I'm going to put up stand-up that I never, like, that I use. Jamie Lee. Look up a girl named Jamie Lee. Is she hot?

comedian, host of the hot mess. Didn't she write on the P-Home show? Huh? Didn't she write on that P-home show? No way. This girl is fucking funny. I know she's getting paid, blow up like the world trade. This motherfucker put what she made last week.

Feminism is out the window with COVID. It died with Corona. Listen, if you got a fucking... Oh, yeah. That's the cute girlfriend? No, no. You got somebody else. Go to Twitter, Jamie Lee.

Twitter, Jamie Lee. That's Jamie Lee comedian. Maybe it's just Jamie Lee. The chick is an open mic, Jamie Lee. Yeah, because I don't think Jamie Lee would stoop to that yet. We're almost there, but she's not there yet. Maybe the Jamie Lee Fitch. Does I spell Jamie differently?

You had it on your phone. But you know what I watched? Marvelous Miss Maisel. Have you watched that? It's good. But then I got sucked into a whole Joan Rivers. I went crazy. And that's when I started getting like inspired to do stand-up again.

And then when I had a low moment, I was like, I'm just going to sell pictures of my feet. I can't, I'm not technically good. So technology good. But I could do my squats for people if they're paying. and I didn't know they're paying for this. This one? No.

That is a different girl, I think. Maybe she's private. Oh. Joey, are you on her fans only page? I don't know. Yeah, I'm searching for me. Are you paying for her?

No, no, not at all. It's so fucking funny. She used to sell ads. Okay. And we were talking about ads. about a month ago. Facebook ads. Okay. She was right there with the Playboy Bunny with the two fingers. Oh, there you go.

That makes more sense. We spoke about... Oh, damn, she's got big titty. We spoke about ads, and Boston, okay. She was very sweet, and I was going to do some Facebook ads with her. Okay. And all of a sudden, the whole fucking thing hit. And she...

Oh, TikTok. I'm obsessed with TikTok. That's not her. She put up... Oh, that's somebody else. She put up some stuff and I laughed my ass off. This is her? This is her. Wow. She's Leeds tight.

Oh yeah? Lee, that's all you right there. Click on the picture, baby boy. Look at it. That chick will break your back. That's milkshirt right there. She's beautiful. She's got red hair.

She's a funny. She'll do three minutes. She'll do three minutes of stand-up topless. I'm hoping that I gained weight and my tities look like that by the end. Keep going. Keep going. You're going to love this. Oh, shit. Keep going. Keep going.

There's your nuts sack. Get you go, Lee. This is what you got to make. She's cute, Lee. And she's from Boston, Lee. Send her some geese, Lee. Go, sucks. Keep going. She died her own hair. My girl. Wait till you see my girl. Shit. Put that thing on, Lee. Look at it. Oh, yeah. Look at that. Oh, yeah. Look at that, Lee.

Are you fucking nuts? And guess what, guys? I think my mom would. She's not doing anything upsetting. She's not doing anything X-rated. And she's getting paid, and I'm fucking proud. She's on the one top percent of all creators. I just found that. On Patreon or fans only?

Only fans, yeah. Only fans, is it? Somebody was like, you need to start an only fan page. Yeah, what happens in quarantine? Stays in quarantine. I'm feeling you, girl. We went back and forth the other day. I'm not going to tell you what she made.

It's nobody's business. but she's fucking doing her thing. Get it, girl. I'm mad at her. She won't show her pussy. Okay. She'll do topless stand-up for you with a bikini. She'll dance for you. She'll send you pictures of your feet.

And that, my friend, is how you make a little. So you're saying I'm fucked. I can't make a living. You can make a living. Listen, I can put a wig on. Put a bikini on and make more of a living than this girl. I'll shake my ass. They won't even know. don't just think he's just a fat

What are you going to do by your nutsack? I'll tape it. Oh, okay, okay. I'll tape it. Otherwise, you're going to look like that girl? No, I'll tape my nut sack in the way it looks like a pussy and I'll read them. Do you watch TikTok?

Do you go on that shit? No. Oh, it's hysterical. No, Dice put us on TikTok. Right. He put a video up. Him and I fighting, right? And on the video, I'm in the hallway.

It's in New York. You can see the maids cart. We're at a hotel. He said something online. I got mad. I'm banging on his door. He comes to the door, of course, filming. And he's like, why, why?

Because he knew what he did. We were arguing on the phone. So he goes, wow, what is it? And I start yelling at him. Then I punched the door, and I went to, like, push him. And they took it off TikTok, read it, put it up as, this is the flip side to me, too. women abuse men she threw him

this is dice's girlfriend she threw him out of we were on TikTok for an hour I got written up as an abusive girlfriend on Reddit and they said I was like wait how do I throw him out I'm in the hallway you idiots

hysterical I don't know what Reddit is but they they said I'm an abuser I don't know what TikTok is I don't know what Reddit is I don't know what Reddit is I don't know what Reddit is I'm in my business TikTok

TikTok's weird. TikTok, it's either a girl doing that, like shaking her ass, and then the song playing over it, or kids in the house, my parents are abusive, my stepdad's abusive, and they film them.

Jesus Christ. Threatening them, and threatening them to get thrown. I'm like, call the fucking police. What are you doing? Yeah, I want to see that. Oh, it's awful. Or they're crying. She said, I'm fat. I should kill myself. for the person who said I'm fat

Maybe that's why I'm not depressed Why are you watching all these terrible depressing things? Oh, I stopped I had a wean off it It was like Coke You know yeah wean off it It's like I started too late with this habit No good

Listen right now a lot of people are home Don't watch TikTok Anything you see now Anything you see now Like you have to write it off to Somebody who's been home for two and a half weeks by themselves. Their parents are in a nursing home.

They're running down out of money. People are going crazy. There's some crazy shit on there. So I like that you listen to the podcast. I like you support podcasts. It's a minimum time that you should be on the internet right now. I agree. Right now, this is going to, listen, you've already done...

That's why I started watching the maizele and all that. You've already done the toughest month of your life, okay? You're starting to get used to it. Get over yourself. Yeah. You're starting to get used to it. Get the fuck off Netflix. You've already exhausted Netflix.

Yeah, but at least that's something you can learn or watch or take your mind off of? It takes your mind off. You know what? I don't try to put it. The TV is not allowed my house to 5 o'clock. I do the same thing. No TV till 5. That'll kill you.

That'll put you, that's the quickest way of ending up at a fucking hole. Yeah. Emotionally, physically. You got to do some. Yeah. Am I saying that? I want you to go to the park and walk around in circles. behind somebody else with germs, no.

But there's something you've got to be doing. You know what? I cleaned half the office and I gave half that shit away. Smart. That was a day of my shit. Yep. I gave away a robe, 22 hooded sweatshirts.

Yeah, I'm cleaning that out now. Things that people gave me on the road that don't fit, they were too small to start off with. I gave away pounds of that. There's all these shelters opening up. Donate to that shit. That's what Dice did last. go to the other one, the one on, across them, five guys.

Across from where we used to have the office, the very good place. Oh, I'll go low. Right. Yeah. What's there? What's in and out? Oh, in and out. If you go behind there, it's the whatever. Goodwill? The goodwill. So I go, I go on between. I'm not big on Goodwill, but I get it. I go in between both of them.

I go in between both of. And that's it. That's all you can do. Yeah. Wait for, you know, read, wait for whatever information they have. And make a plan. I think you're right about make a plan. The plan is, listen, this is the only plan I see. This is the plan I see. I see us opening up, if you open up a football stadium and put 60,000 people in there, we're going to have another widespread epidemic. Isn't there a test that's going to come back in 15 minutes? Yes, I'm going by Eddie Griffin on this one.

But you're going to take the test and go into the game. You can't go in until you pass. Right, but for right now, I don't even think they're going to go that far. Okay. We just want the games to happen. How can we get the games to play? Let's start that. Let's take with the systematic test, test the umpires, test them afterward.

Yeah. And that's who determined to play is tomorrow. Set up these series, just like everybody else. The problem is you can't have people in the stands for right now, especially for baseball. Yeah. Let's start with baseball. by August, let's start with 300 people per game. I get it.

Everybody needs to make money. Then you have another problem. What are we going to do with college football and pro football? Yeah. That's still, those stadiums get back. Big, especially college. Especially college. Yeah.

So right now, I don't know what NT AA is going to do. All I can do is this. I can't see a life a year in my life. Yeah. college football didn't exist. This will be the first. Pro football, you want to come back? You got to do the same as.

You have to play. Helmets, kill each other. Nobody in the fucking audience. Yeah. And you're still violating rules because you've got 50 guys on each team. That's over 100 people on the field with the reps, the camera guys, the photographers, the reporters. Yeah.

You know, this is, these are all the things that are going to come from this, you know. And then the biggest one, the economic comeback. Yeah. How fast are people going to pay $2.20 to go to see a jet game? The lake is going to open up. Everybody's starting over, I think. And those ticket prices are going down, don't you think? I have to go down.

I think everybody has to make a sacrifice here. Yeah. So I can't see it. I worry about the airlines. I feel like they're going to hurt them. us after? They're really going to hurt us. But what are you going to do? First off, I can't get on a plane till I know there's a vaccine. Yeah. Where's the flu? Is there ever going to be a vaccine? I don't know, but I'm not worried about the flu. I'm worried about coronavirus that people get.

That attacks me that I'm high risk for. I have underlying pressure, got high blood pressure. And do I really want to go to Vegas if they're only going to have 400 seats available for me? their seat. These are all decisions I'm going to make. I'm not starting off of five-hour flights. I'm starting off to build my immune system again. I've been flying for 20 years. My immune system is already kaput.

It's strong, but it's also weak because of the amount of marijuana I've smoked in 40 years. I know who the fuck I have. What do you think is going to happen in Vegas? I'm supposed to be in Vegas, May, the first, the second week of May. Yeah, I'm supposed to be in Vegas July 31st again.

Yeah, July. The same thing that they're going to happen everywhere else. You think they're going to cancel my May? No, they're going to, May, yes. That's Mother's Day. It's that week. They haven't canceled yet. You're close until May 15th.

So whatever you had until May 15th is done with. They couldn't open if they wanted them. So unless they open up to the five all weekend, how many people are going to be mentally, physically, psychologically, and economically prepared for $35 to drink minimum. Right. So now we're coming into the summer months.

Anybody who's done comedy on early stage and level knows that when they call the Booker, the Booker always says to your lease out of that. Sure, I'll fucking hide. I got two weeks for you. But by the way, you do know it's summer pay. This bits don't pay in the winter. Can you imagine, when you're getting to get in the summer?

Yeah. Well, that's what I'm saying, but I really don't make that much money. On top of California. I'm the summer pay, if you will. On top of California. You have states like Minneapolis, Buffalo, Seattle, Portland. There's a handful of states, if anybody remembers, please tweet me that you can't get Minneapolis, Minneapolis, Milwaukee.

Okay. There's a handful of states that business drops as soon as June comes. Oh, I see. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And families do so many things on the weekends, and they do so many things together outside. They go away, yeah. That already the numbers go away.

Buffalo, New York. Yeah. If Jesus is playing the drums in the building, you ain't getting people in there July 31st. It's got to be outdoor. They want to be outdoor. Buffalo's been in the house for nine months. They've been in the house for nine months.

They've stepped out to smoke cigarettes to get away from grandma while she's wheezing. You know, North Dakota, South Dakota, these are all states in the summer. People run, Seattle. People run. you know so we're going into that for recovery yeah that's our economic recovery so now we're waiting on people getting checks

we're waiting on this well let me ask you this and I know because normally comedy outside isn't great what do you think that Mike get a little bit more popular this year so you can like stand outside yeah you're still gonna have a fucking a numbers amount whether it's inside or outside. There's still going to be the same amount of numbers

that you could have under that tent. Now, number two, let's switch this. Let's switch this. Eleanor, I fucking love you. I don't know if you know this. I've had a crush on you for 30 years. I've done Terry. And I've got three fucking two BIP tickets

to take you to go see Dave Chappelle in Atlanta. August 12. outdoor at the outdoor athon, okay, you're going to look at me and say, okay. Okay. And then you're going to be walking to work one day, and you're going to see me and Lee walking down the street

with two sweat puddles under arms and the humidity a Friday before that show, and you go, hmm, so this new hot guy, Joey wants to take me on a date to Atlanta. What if I end up sitting next to those two fat fucks with sweat under their arms? in Humaville, in Georgia,

which is getting hit hard with the corona. Yeah. So we have, now you have to tell me what you think. What are you going to do? Are you really going to run to that Dodger game? Are you really going to run to that Philadelphia? And now we got football. Oh, the Eagles.

Now, football I love. I can't see a world without football. The same way I can't see a world without basketball or baseball. Football I love. There's a little bit bigger an audience, more people selling sweatshirts. You take the Eagles fans, if you take that away from them, you thought they were angry before? Before, okay? But this is what's going to happen.

They'll be setting everybody on fire. If they do open it to capacity, these cities are going to incite again going into the holidays. I think as tough as it is, what do you think every man out is telling you, this is going to be the, the toughest week we've even do it. You said two weeks ago. Yeah, this is just... Every state, and as long as every state is going through it, then they're going to start to mandate it and go state by state

to see what's really going on with numbers. Oh, but if you fly... Listen, if you fly into Dallas right now, what if you've got to fly into Dallas, August 8th, to do three shows with Andrew? You've got to get there July 16th, Because you've got to quarantine for two weeks. Yeah.

That's the problem with the flying. So right now, nobody knows nothing. So what Illinois is going to do is, Elmore is going to hunk her down. Sell pictures of my feet. She might have to cancer Hulu. She might have to cancel her water. Yeah.

Thank God the gym is closing. So that saves your 89 a month. You know, things are also going to close and go away. Yeah. Which are going to save you a little bit of money. money and then you're going to do spots at the store you're going to do your podcast again you're going to jump on shows and when you're ready psychologically then you get back on your planes or do whatever go back to the lifestyle you were living yeah it takes a minute it's going to take a

minute guys it's just the first uh we stopped doing the comedy star podcast because Rick had to have a surgery, then his daughter got sick, and it's a scary time. Like, and then I was like, all right, I'll figure out the technical part of it. And then you just take care of your family, you know, because I don't have kids or anything. So, and then my computer, I got like a weird virus. And I was like, oh, everybody has a virus. That's the whole thing. So then I just freaked out.

I was like, I can't even buy a new computer to, you know what I mean? I guess I can order it online, but I can't, I'd have to have somebody come set it. I got to start Slink Mitt Lee. so I can get it to go right. You know what I mean? Like, it's not, are we allowed to do that? Oh, yes, yeah. Oh, look at Lee.

All of a sudden, he's in no fear. No, that'll be great. He's got no problem sleeping with me to fix my computer. You just have to ask. You just got to ask me. Everybody's got a price. Everybody's got a price. You got to wear your mask, so, Lee.

You got to wear your mask. I'm not fucking doing this. Listen. I need a ski mask and this. Always remember one thing. There's a common. I'm making as a... But I do miss doing the podcast, is what I'm saying.

Oh, I miss... I couldn't imagine not doing this twice a week. Yeah. This has to be done twice a week for me and for them. Yeah. It's so much fun. Yeah. They know.

They know exactly this is great to get out. And Tuesday I do it with my daughter. I love that. I come here and do the science one with that lulotick. And last week, what was it, television? So we covered the Golden Age of Television. it became when it busted into cable and the networks.

Direct TV. It's pretty interesting. No, last week was the piano. I'm sorry. Oh. And she brought on a lecture piano and played songs. Okay. Because the school sent her a computer.

It's got a program that you can play songs. It tells you the keys. Nice. So she's over and I'm over here fucking singing with her and shit. Oh, that's great. Yankee dude, the winter time. And I go, yay. And she goes, Daddy, there's no yay there.

Don't worry about it. every song she sings got a egg. That's an ad lib. And she loses her mind. Dad, it's not there. And then I'll show it to her. It says, yay, right there, but they took it out because it's in Spanish. I just torment.

Are you teaching her Spanish? Yes. Good, good, good job. Talk to a lot in Spanish. I talked to her a lot in Spanish. She's not going to talk back to me. Yeah. And it's absorbing.

Yeah. And I had to ask her a question. in Spanish and she said yes. So I know that she's getting it. I'm learning it, but only by watching Narcos. It's going to come to her. What season? Are you really watching?

I'm done, yeah. Tell me the truth. Did you really watch it? It's one of the best series I've ever seen. I finished the last one already. What did you think of this last series? I thought it was great. Did you like it more in the first season?

Did you like it more in the first season? I love the Pablo. You mean that way? Or Narcos Mexico. Notcos Mexico. Okay. The first season of Narcos Mexico was excellent. Excellent.

Excellent. Excellent. I loved every character. I love. But this, the women more this season, I love, like, hardcore bitches just stepping up to the plate, right? That bitch is beautiful. Right? The big tenet one.

Yeah. She fucked her over, boy. She's single? What? She's single. as like a fucking bull master. Dude, I'm watching this with my pants at half-masked for both people, the women and the men.

They are... What I watched the other night? I watched. But I got to read the whole thing, you know. You have to pay attention. Yeah. And the sad thing is that I've read what they say, half of it is completely different. Well, because I have to translate it at that.

That's what I might do, Lee. What's that? That's my idea. That's where your idea comes in. Thank you very much. What? I don't know what... I'll twitch.

knock of and tell people what they're really saying See the only problem is If you said to talk to somebody because I wanted to do something like that is just the copyright Well Tony You mean when they put it in English Simone said that

Netflix Is adding a feature You can type You can type with them You can't hear them That's a little bad part What do you mean? I thought we could have like a Narcos party

Maybe we can't just do it until you can take it down like a real spick telling you what he really said. Oh. Instead of what. Because that's what happened. When he bought him the tiger, oh, please. I was so excited. Bro, I'll tell you, what about episode one of that shit?

Yeah. Episode. Even Cali. So this week I watched a couple episodes of Cali, but I watched the one at the end when the two gay guys came, and he hit him in the head with a bottle. Then he ripped him apart with a motorcycle. First of all, I had the biggest crush on him,

and I was like, oh, Jesus, he's gay. Yeah, he's gay. You're so hot. I was like, fuck. Listen, I go crazy from that show. I watched the fucking first four episodes of Narcos. And last night I watched the one,

because episode three with Pablo is after he tells him he wants to be a candidate. Oh, okay. And then his wife goes home, he goes home, she's puking. And she's like, I don't want you close to him again. Yeah. And he's like, don't worry. This is just business. I don't want nothing to do it on.

And they show him. Him fucking a chick and the pussy. And she's like, this is the way you fuck your wife standing up? And he fucking grabs about a fucking throat. And he goes, You know, I would say something about my wife.

I'll fucking kill you. And she's like, she's like, you understand him. You know, fucking kill you, dirty bitch. It's so hot. I can't. I hope you do it like that. Lee,

I hope you're listening. He doesn't have the ball. to grab a by the throat. Wear the gloves too. I mean, then I want to grab me by the throat. It's against my. I get the fuck out of it. He grabs the body of the throat.

And then he lets it down. And she goes, I'm sorry, Pablo. Is there something I can do for you? And there's a slight pause. And she goes, how about you fucking zone? And he just,

and you're just here going, and that's it. So now, episode four opens up with Pablo when she's tied up. You don't remember? Yeah. She opens up, tied up with lingerie on.

I'm going to rewatch it all. Looking like Kate Quigley on a hit a fucking roofie. Like Kate took a hit of Roofie, the guy told her, don't worry, I'm going to get you a job. Just have this drink. And next you know, Kate wakes up with fucking, she's waking up on all five paws. And Pablo's got a gun.

He's got a gun in the newspaper. And he's like, La Paisa, Sondon, a lot of him. and throws the newspaper out and he's like, this is what you're telling people. She's got a fucking mask on and shit. And she continued to fuck him out of that.

Oh, yeah. He puts the gun to her throat. That was the game they played. It was part of that game. So hot. He put the gun to her throat in color. It's just what you want. And then you can see him just take the gun

and put it all the way down between her legs and he puts her between her pussy and he actually starts fucking ramming a little bit. It's tremendous shit It's so good That's episode 5 or 4 Of a brand new show Nobody takes chances like that

I feel bad because And I'll say it for you America I even like the Tried to watch Narcos But the fucking subtitles are brutal I love it And you're not in a mood And I'm not even a fast reader

And you're not in the move for no Me to Meet a Motherfuckers Like man I like Narcos Them Mexicans talk way fast. Fuckers. I get it. It's tough.

So maybe I'll do something where... You can say press play now. Even the Bert Reynolds' DEA guy? He looks like a hot Bert Reynolds. The American? The first season. Yeah. Not the white, the gringo, but he's Spanish.

But he works with America. The gringo is the first guy that Liberace fucks. Cheats on Matt Damon With the dude in the movie That's who the dude from Narcos is That's what he'll always be remembered for There's somebody in the room's going to say

You were great in Narcos You're like oh you're going to pop up You're even better And me I'm going to go Went to the guy in Liberation? They got fucking me asses. Won't you leave me alone? When are you going to do this?

I can't wait, I want to be a part of it Or watch it. You narrating basically. I'll pick me up with Twitch and I'll go on there one next. Which? You got to smoke a joint before you do every episode or something. Just to fuck around.

Yeah, yeah. Listen, how long? Do we have to live? Yes. With me, I am very insecure. I get all fired up. I go, fuck it. Let me go online and do a periscope.

And I go, nah. You know why? Because at 8 o'clock, I see people playing violins on there. I see people playing drums on there. I see so many people trying to get. the art out there. Same. I'm like,

how am I going to go out there and smoke a joint and call the people a cock sucker? When there's people with actually the artist that are really trying to do shit for the community, I'm out there breaking that balls. I'm not doing it. That's the reason why I don't do it

because I feel bad at everything. That's not insecure. That's you being like sensitive. I see these people. I get insecure where I don't finish setting something up. I'm like, I did two videos for YouTube and I still didn't put them up.

I see these people, you know, they don't give the audience a break. Give them a break. It's always a question. They send you this. They do this. The best of these celebrities, I'm going to tell you something. Celebrities have really full and bad. If the New York Times are notical the other night, that celebrities are not going to fare well from this.

You know, these guys that do the, first off, half of these motherfuckers are on steroids. I love the ones that are on steroids and tell you they're at the gym at six, lifting weights, you make $80 million a half a year. You've got 82 people working for you. Yeah. You know. That's my favorite. You got shoot half the, if the American public, the fan base of all these suckers,

because that's what they are, I love these guys that walk around. Oh, I eat a clean diet. And meantime, they go up to, I know exactly where they go. And the guy shoots them twice a week. They're going through the back door. or they got enough money the guy just comes to their house. Yeah.

And he poses as a chiropractor and they go in the back, he's going to stretch me out. And nobody knows nothing. He gives you two magic shots. You give him a check from a different account and nobody knows nothing. And these are the guys I see the most doing all the exercise things.

That's like, guys get over you. And then I see the remarks from people in America. Like, oh, thank you. You know, stand up. You're working with a fucking cheater. Yeah. These people fucking cheeses. They all cheat. They all cheat.

And you know what? They're not essential, these doctors, whatever. So they're going to go away. And in a couple months, you're going to see what these people really are, what they really look like, how they really, because there's no more cheating. You can't cheat. Now these doctors are going to go out of business. You don't think?

It's got to be an interesting new world. Yeah. It really is. It's our time to shine. The real people. No thing I'm excited about is getting on that stage. I got a 90-day-trial. trial. I got a 90 day to get my dirty minutes. Oh, you're giving yourself 90. Yeah, I got it.

90 days at the store. You're treating it like insurance. Nothing matters what comes out of my mouth. I got a date September 5th and 6th in Utah. I'll drive. I got so many dates. I got San Diego, August 1st. I got Vegas, July 31st. That's all. That's officially. in the books right now. Wow. Brea, June 4th and the 6th. It's four shows.

How many people can I possibly put in that? First off, I don't, if I'm doing any improvs, any clubs, I'm removing the first three rows. Really? I spit when I talk.

I've been spit when I talk since I was a kid. Yeah, we can't go on with a thing on our face? For years, people told me, give me the news, not the weather. For years, since I was a kid, people told me that. When you're on stage, no matter what, you get excited.

So, of course. Yeah, I'm removing the first three rows of every club. What if we just put the big glass, like the supermarkets do? That's not. Well, like Blues Brothers. That's not standard. That's communism. That's common.

We still have to have some energy flow with the fucking audience. It's just be a whole easy-to-wind-sheil wiper. I don't want to do anything to freak the audience out any more than they are. I want them to come to this experience relaxed And I'm going to put that in my riders and everything Okay You're going to have to get your own microphone I want my audience

To sit there like I'm like stand Now we have two different things Am I going to get shot Or am I going to get COVID Does an asshole come in here and say Jihad kills And shoots me with a fucking water pistol

or does this fucking swami from salami coughing behind me telling people it's his allergies going to get me COVID we have so many things now that I have to compete with this as a performer can I ask you? This is kind of a weird thing to ask but I was thinking about if I wanted to write jokes

about what's going on I was like no people are going to want to hear that but I was also thinking like it's going to be seen this ingenuous to just go up there doing the jokes I was doing before this but it's your point of view what do you guys thought it's like are you going to write about what happened

you're going to write about what's going on in your world in your world yeah it's your point of view it's your world you can't go up there with those jokes those jokes are gone it's a new you you just been they just took away part of how the way you live

how you're going to go up there with an old joke right that's what's thinking That was an old state of mind. Yeah. These jokes are coming from the new state of mind. Is there fucking COVID going to be mentioned? Yeah. It's going to be mentioned.

Is there going to be hacked jokes about it? Yeah, of course. You know what? There's your spin on it when I was in, blah, blah, blah, you know? Alamo is going to go up there and say, you know what? I don't give a fuck what I'd be, you motherfucker said. It really scared me. Yeah.

And you're going to go up there with your physical. and say, COVID could have sucked my dick. I was walking into McDonald's day, COVID-busted. Look at me, I'm still alive. It pays to be a chubby guy. I'm going to say, fuck you guys for not paying for my feet. That's what I'm going to say. Okay.

Okay, so everybody has a different thing here. Whatever you want to do, as long as you have a plan for what's coming, it'll make what's going on right now less sickening. Less sickening. You know what I'm saying? Like, everybody has a plan. you have one. If you don't have a plan, you better sit down like Pontch's pilot. Right now, Pontch's pilot is sweating. Jesus, they went to check on him and he busted out of the grave.

That's so funny. Lock up, send the Puerto Rican brothers, send the McNeelees, send everybody. Jesus is on the loose and he ain't playing. You know what I'm saying? Right now, you're like Pontius Pilate. You're calling ADP. You got lights going up. You got ring. This motherfucker busted out of a cave. He's on the loose. And left a noose and left like a note. My father's coming. Some shit like that. Coming for everybody. Yeah. I'm coming for everybody. What the

fuck. My father will come down here and straighten out everybody. Listen, I'm happy you took the time. Thank you so much for having me. I hope the church family really appreciates me. I love the church. And they remember this forever that you came out in this time. I got gloves. Which is tough. We all ready.

Now I go home. I jump in the fucking shower, I wash, and we munge and we eat. Take like a silkwood scrub down. I'm watching the worst kids' TV. Oh, yeah. Listen, whatever problems I had, like, I thought if Jesus was to put me in purgatory, I earned my stripes the last three weeks. I've been watching such bad cartoons.

These kids don't even buy Popeye. Oh, I put Popeye on for her. She turned to all. She almost had a heart attack. Really? Why is she so skinny? Why is he beating up the big guy? They can't handle that shit.

We came from a society. When people were fucked up. The dude was chasing the rap. If you tried to blow them up. Beep, beep, whatever's fucking name us. I gladly pay you Tuesday for a hamburger today. These kids today got half of fat cartoons.

They break into dancing for the beginning of them. Everybody's equal. Everybody's dancing. Stop it. Yeah. You know, yeah, you're really going to hang out with a Hindu kid. Really? Three white kids.

They're really going to have a Hindu kid. who's over there eating eggs in the corner. It's a realistic Disney. Not in this new world. Not in this new world. Not in this new world. That ain't going to happen. You're a sick fuck.

I love you motherfuckers. And I love for you for always supporting us and having our back Monday, Wednesday, Thursday, Thursday, just like Apollonia before she got blown up. Oh, my God. You guys don't give a fuck, Jack. let me see what I got here

because my fucking glasses got all fogged up with this fucking man Yeah these masks They just fog up your glasses I'm trying to figure out What I could ride on the mask So I could sell them for a dollar a piece

Like suck like that Stay away Cock sucker Cuck sucker I'll keep your libido away from me The church Yeah All kinds of shit

Something I could send these motherfuckers Boom that's the wrong one this is what you're looking for. Yeah, I don't know. It meant the world to me when you said, because I would have done when you would Zoom. I would have Zoom you and then kept it on and I would have zoom deep into your asshole

when you didn't know. I would have figured. I will figure out Zoom to get you on the Comedy Store podcast. Fuck, yeah. Listen, everybody's avoiding crowds right now. If you need to get to the post office, you might be running a small business trying to ship product or send an invoice.

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And also, here's the good one for you, fucking animals of death. Who I love more than ever, ever, ever. everybody's trying to pick up a dime. Everybody's trying to pick up a nickel. I get you. Yeah. But right now you got some fucking shitty watch.

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You go to my bookie. Why? Why? Because you're going to spend another week at home. Everything has been canceled. They can't even build the fucking fight island and fast enough. Dan is got 18 Mexicans out. working double time. Really? Yeah, good, right. I'll buy that when I see it. But there's one

place when you can still get into the action. Head over to mybooky.orgie.g slash Joey and make some bets. You'll be supporting the church while also getting in on some only action available right now. I miss basketball. So do you. Well, I got good news. They started this week, the horse challenge, which stars like Chris Paul from Oklahoma and Trey Young from motherfucking Atlanta. The championship is this Thursday. Check it out on ESPN and go to mybooky.orgie.g. to play. They also got simulated games.

They got the NBA 2K, NFL games on Madden, Fife's soccer, and the NCAA brackets. Hey, bro, they're going. They're reaching. They knew people at home scratching, ready to kill their wives. They don't need that aggravation. You got some action. And they got lines on soccer from all over the world. Belarus, Taiwan,

Nicaragua, and Turkmenistan. These fucks don't stop. They don't give a fuck about the carnivores, whatever. Nicaragua, they could be a fucking nuclear holocaust. Those motherfuckers are out there kicking soccer balls to Rod Stewart music. If you're playing casino games, that's more than,

we got card games over at mybooky.net. Mybooky.orgie.ag. They got card games with a live human dealer, and you play against other people, real people, not fucking computers. We're not with somebody rubbing up against you, asking your stupid questions. Have you got COVID yet?

I lost my eye in the war. I don't give a fuck. They got slot games, poker, roulette, Baccarat. They got everything. You don't have to wait to fucking Wuhan freezes over to get your bet on sports again.

You follow me? I was like, I say something. Every time I think of Wuhan, I think of bats. I don't know what's wrong with me. Anyway, head over to my bookie. They're giving you 50% of your initial deposit

in bonus funds. That means if you put in a G-note, a thousand, they give you an extra nickel, just like that. More money in your pocket means you play with more opportunity to win. Open up your brows and punch in. Ready? MyBooky, M-Y-B-O-O-K-E.

Dot AG slash Joey and get ready to make some G-G-G-G-M-G-M-G-N-G-G. That's it. Who's better than you? Nobody. Head over to the casino at mybooky.orgie. We're going to start you off with 50% off, all right? I want to thank Stamps.com, a tremendous service.

I want to thank my bookie.ag slash Joey. I love you to death. I want to thank Eleanor Martinez putting it all together this motherfucker. I want to thank the flying Jew for being here. But most importantly, I want to thank you guys

in the bottom of my heart. Without you guys, we'd have nothing. I hope that these podcasts are helping you during this tough time. We're just in here talking shit. True. Because this is what it's all about. Just taking your mind off

of what's going on and keep it off. Go get a notebook. Go start your own podcast. Go make candles. Go learn how to make biscuits. Go do something. You know what I'm saying? It's better than sitting there feeling sorry for yourself waiting for the bluebird of happiness. That motherfucker hasn't showed in years, okay?

He ain't going to show up. You got to assume he ain't going to show up. You want to be happy. You got to get yourself there on your own. I got anxiety out of the ass. I'm over there hitting the bag. I can feel the fucking stroke going up my neck, but I keep punching. You know why? Because we're going to be fine and we're going to get this. We're going to get through this together.

Like the church family will always do. Sending love out to Bob Lillinger, sending love out. The Hubsster, Scott Cunningham. It's Chad Reader. All you motherfuckers, I know you are. I've been watching you and Michael Kern,

whatever your fucking name is. Cuckucker. Kern Michael. I know you. You're good people. You're all good people. Thank you for keep writing stuff on the pages. A lot of babies being born. I keep saying congratulations to a lot of you guys.

So I know you're doing the right thing. Thank you very much for listening. Thank you very much for being part of the church. And fuck them all. You did go to church today. There you go. They could all suck your dick. Take this motherfucking meal.