The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #778 - Steve Simeone

Episode Date: April 15, 2020

Steve Simeone, a stand up comedian seen on "This Is Not Happening" and heard as the host of his podcast, "Good Times with: Steve Simeone," joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio. Follow Steve on Instagram @stevesimeonecomedy to see all of his cooking videos.  This podcast is brought to you by: Express VPN - Get 3 months free at www.expressvpn.com/church  .  CBD Lion - For all of your CBD needs, from shatter to gummies, go to www.CBDLion.com and use code CHURCH for 20% off. 

Greetings from PodcastVille. We ain't fucking around. It's Wednesday, the 15th of April. And guess what? You got another month in seclusion, cock suckers, so get ready. Anyway, listen, you're online, and I want to talk to you about something. The church is brought to you by ExpressVPN. ExpressVPN is great for protecting your privacy and security online, especially now since you're online, constantly.

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you need every bit of help you can get. You know what I'm? Amune, spiritually, mentally. I take my life. little CBD. I'm not doing the original workouts now. Everything is closed. So I got a box at home. I'm doing a club bat workout. I'm doing kettlebells. My back is killing me. CBD lion to the, to the fucking rescue. That's what they do. They got tincts. They got bath balls.

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And the situation is the same. We're going in like fucking Marie. You understand me? Welcome to church, motherfucker. The Wednesday, motherfuckers. Shit shower, shampoo, jays. And stay in again. That's what you're going to do.

Listen to the church. Stay in, mind your fucking business. I got my main man. The original Catholic, Mr. Steve Simone. The only cat. Did you go to church this Sunday? Yeah, I streamed it. Then you're good for you.

God bless you. You know, you don't need to go down there. I started getting pissed off because people are like, what are these rednecks doing? Well, I'm driving my car to sit outside of church. What's that going to do for you? You get more magical powers. Sit outside the strip club.

Maybe you'll find a power on the floor or something like that. What the fuck is wrong with people? First of all, church is something that you go to every day. It's in your heart. You know, nothing bothered me more when I was a kid. In 73, they were telling you. you that there was two mortal sins. Not going to church and murder.

And I'm like, how does that... Even on the same law? So how can I not go to church? But if I murder somebody, I'm like, fuck you. Then I started going to church, and I started seeing people. And I started seeing people from church and how they act in real life. And they think because they go to church, that makes them a good Catholic, Christian, unorthodox, a synagogue, Jew, whatever the fuck they are. Anybody who goes to church, I get it.

I get that it makes you feel better inside. trying to get that sense of peace. It's trying to get that sense of peace. But 50% of people will go to church so they go for a social activity to be seen. And I can tell, I smell that shit right the fuck out. Yeah, I think one of the things that made an impression on me,

and I don't know if this, take it for whatever it is, and I'll paraphrase it, but somebody once told me that a church isn't, it's not like an art museum for perfect people. It's not, you're not a perfect piece of art that's going there to be shown off, but it's more like a hospital for sick people.

So when you see people showing up at church And then you see them acting like an animal Seven and six and a half days a week It's not necessarily that they're phony But at least they're making that step To try to change their life And I'm of that point of view where I don't judge anybody You know, I don't know what's in anybody's heart

And instead of going to church one day a week I'd rather be a gentleman seven days a week That's it, but that's what it's supposed to do Yeah, I took that from you Where you make somebody's everybody Today I've seen the Mexican loan mower Down there I sat there watching him, watching him.

And he had a bandana around his face. And I said, this is what you do instead of going to church. I went in the house. I got the coldest one in the refrigerator. And I put a fucking a mask. That's exactly what you're supposed to do. I walked down the corner. I gave him the fucking water and the whatever.

And he put the mask on. I didn't take a picture. I didn't put it on a fucking aeroscope for people who see me being a good guy. But how good did you feel after that? I felt like a million bucks. Exactly. The chick next door to me needed a couple masks. He's got a little girl.

Yeah. Her girl plays with my little girl. Yeah. You know, this lady one day knocked on my door. She's like, are you hungry? Like, I never met the lady before. Yeah. You're hungry?

I'm like, yeah. My wife said, hi. And they're like, oh, they know each other. Okay. She turned me on to Beef Strogano. Oh, yeah. From Granville. I don't know about that.

You know what? You know where? No. Granville is on Ventura. Never went that. I don't even know what it is. And he goes, do you want, we stroganoff? They gave me two of them by mistake.

I didn't have to pay for them. Me and my wife is like, sure, do you know that now? We go to Granville once a month. To get the beef strogan off? It's delicious. Wow. And I don't eat it there. I take it to go because they sell curry dishes.

Yes, that's a mistake. I'll smack the guy they have with the dish. So I don't go there. I can't lie to you, but I pick it up. My wife and me pick it up. Yeah. But that's how nice lady is, you know. So these are acts.

Like right now, I'm really looking for. for humanity to come out. Me too. You see what's going on. I mean, so we're fucking on the thing until May 15th.

And Dana White has that one to have a fight on the 16th. Wow. You know? It's like, here's a guy that never ends. I know he's got people on top of them that are giving him back hands if you know the whole story. Yeah, there's people that he has to answer to.

Don't think that. But they're making it. that crazy because they want that money. You know, everybody wants, that's why this fight had to happen on the 18th. Right. There was a payment that was due. Something was going on. So now he wants to have one on the 16th.

You know, I see all these people doing shitty things to people now. I saw a ticket mask to do something today. Yeah, they're not giving refunds anymore. What? Yeah. So what you're just going to hold onto your money? Yeah.

What you need to do from that? And what I don't know, what date you go back to, You should, I'll tell my client to find it when I told everybody to get that money back. Believe, did I not? Yeah, right, when it started. Right when it started, I go, do me a favor, guys. Go get your money back right now. Don't hesitate.

Don't wait. Don't play games. Go get your money. This is not going to be good. I told you guys. I don't want them to have your money. Right. Okay?

I don't want them to have your money if there's no date in the air. And right now, there's no dates in the year. Okay? So nobody should have your fucking money. Miami told me they're sending it back. It's going to take 10 to 14 days. I don't know what they're going to do in Cleveland and the other place I'm going to the other Indianapolis.

I got a date in Vegas. Who knows what's going to happen now? I'm sure I'm going to get an addendum. Yeah. With saying, listen, we can't put 1,600 people in here. Right. You're going to look at 480. Do you mind taking that pay cut?

No. You know, you guys were always good to me. You know, I get it. Yeah. I understand what's going on, you know. So, but let's, who gives a fuck about that? You have made me so proud the last three weeks. Oh.

Every day I wake up to see what curinary. That's how I've been keeping myself happy. I'm just making deliciousness over there. You look good. You haven't gained any weight. Because I've been also working out. I've been doing what you said. I'm getting out in the sun. I'm doing my push-ups.

I'm trying to do the intermittent fasting. I'm trying to go at least 15. hours a day without eating. But when I do eat, I kill it. I'm making all my favorite food from scratch. And I'm glad over the last 20 years I couldn't find the food that I love, so I had to learn how to make it

myself. So now I'm in lockdown. I'm loving it. Your pork sandwich is one of the best in the business. And I grew up in Edgewater, North Bergen. Edgewater had a fucking pork sandwich, H&B restaurant that you would kill for. Pork, pickles, and hot sauce. with a piece of provolone cheese. You have no fucking idea.

And you come in a strong second. That's, I'll take the couple. That dude is dead. You're the new fucking reigning champion right there. I mean, you've always enjoyed cooking. This is what I told people from the beginning of this thing when it started, that you can look at this two ways. Yes, this is very bad.

And yes, we're going to suffer financially. And yes, we're not going to have a lot of the things that we want to do. so start something new. Absolutely. And you have impressed the shit out of me from the pizzas. I know the first pizza you made I called and you were very honest. I don't know. Yeah.

It was tricky, but you just kept making them. That's it. Raps. Seample them. If they weren't good, you brought them to one of the kids who's dying. Eat this. This will push you over the top. The pizza I made yesterday was the best pizza I've ever had.

It looked it. Really? It was the best pizza I've ever had. I can tell. It looked fucking. good like it looked like he really got it what type of oven do you have to eat home oven see that's what i like about the videos i put out because when i was trying to learn this stuff everybody wants to show you how to do this under perfect situation with the thousand two thousand dollar pizza

oven with all the best tools i don't have all any of that but i learned how to make it in a normal person kitchen i have my cheat codes and uh i encourage everybody to do it because it gives you a sense of accomplishment too like you feel good like i made this it gives you something to do with your time. Was the New Yorkie homemade from A&Z? Scratch. From scratch. Is this something your mother taught you?

No. Nyaki has always been like the family favorite, but I went online to look how to do it. Because my mom was like, was her grandmother that would make them. Or like my mom didn't make Newarkie from scratch. So I looked at a couple videos and that needs more reps. Was it good? Absolutely. Was it better than any Yankee I've had in L.A.?

Yeah, the restaurants I go to? Yeah. I can't afford the best restaurants, but I went, this is great, but it wasn't perfect. It wasn't the best New Yorkie I had. The pizzas, I'll put up against anybody. I use three different kinds of flour. I use four different kinds of cheese, two different kinds of tomatoes. And in the fall, I went to the best pizzeria in the country, arguably is this place called

Daffara pizza in Brooklyn, Midwood, Brooklyn, I think. Fantastic. The nicest people in the world and the best pizza I've ever had outside of Naples, okay? the best. And I saw their techniques. And they put the fresh basil on the pie after it comes out of the oven. And then they give it a little shot of Partana, extra virgin olive oil to bring all the flavors together. I did that, a little pecorino Romano on top when it came out of the oven, and everything just comes together. It's amazing. So good. And you make the sauce from scratch? Yep. I use Danapoli tomatoes, which are Sam Rosano style grown here in California,

which I saw on a YouTube video. This guy from Italy. has a pizza shop and he says that's what he uses. And then I also use mootie tomatoes that they use at DeFara. So I'm always experimenting. It's always a work in progress. It's like your stand-up set. You're like, this works, but how can I make it better? That's what I've been doing with the pizza.

How are you adjusting to life without stand-up? Better than I thought, to be honest with you. I am. I don't miss the travel. I do not miss being on a plane. I do not miss living out of a suitcase. I miss the store. I miss seeing my friends.

That's why I was so happy to just come down here and hang out with you guys tonight. I miss people. And I do miss that connection when you're on stage, where you just, when it's working and you know you're sharing that moment with the audience and there's like joy in the air, I miss that. It's April 14th. I have not been on stage since March 2nd. Wow.

The rust syndrome gives me anxiety to think about and panic, but I know I'm going to have plenty to say the first 20 minutes spot. And you know what I think? It's going to be rage magnitude, and I'm just going to be funny just from being angry. And that audience is going to be like this. They're not going to have a chip on their shoulder. No, no, no.

They're going to be the best audience there is. I'm looking forward to that. Me too. I'm looking forward. I was telling him on Sunday. I'm so looking forward to starting from scratch. I even been going back to the videos I watched in the beginning to get my mind where it was that when I was watching those early guys.

I watched something from Dice last night. That was pretty good. I got nice and high. Me and Lee drank the magic potion. I went by his house. I went by urban trees at a quarter of the tent that were getting ready to lock up. They're like, man, I said, just get three bottles of the fucking juice. I had leeway for me on Laurel Canyon.

I brought him a bottle. We fucking drank it. I went home and just watched but I watched just for the women. Dice Clay has the thing. Oh, yeah, the HBO special for ladies only or something. Fucking hilarious.

Fucking hilarious. You know, I'm so happy I got that time to hang around with him. That was as broke as I was and as cooked up as I was and as desperate as I was. me, you, Bobby Lee, and Jim Norton. In Vegas.

When we walked into that room and there was all that food, we just looked at each other like, holy shit. Yeah, we were starving. We didn't even, like nobody said, take your time. They put the platter down. We started ripping the fucking things. And then we went for breakfast, a late breakfast, and he kept sending the eggs back.

Oh, yeah. He would do stuff like that. It would make me so embarrassed. You know, another reason why. I want to have you on. Believe it or not, this gives you a lot of time to think. Yep. And you think of good things? Yes.

And you also think of bad things that you did or mistakes that you made. Yes. And depending on how many edibles I eat, I react to that. Sometimes it takes me really sad. Sometimes I go, I can't believe that. I should call these people right now and apologize it to a morning. And it's The other night, guess what came into my thoughts

And I almost called you It was just too late to call you It's never too late to call me Call me whatever Fat James God rest of his soul And I thought about What was Fat James's real name?

James Price Jr. James Price Jr. When did he get here? Like 2001 And where did he come from? New Hampshire And he came right here And he got a job at the lot store

at the comedy store, right? No, he came and he was just hanging out. And he was the open mic or nobody would talk to but me. Nice kid in the beginning. Very nice. Very nice. And the reason he got his job there is there was a... Eddie Griffin was on stage.

I was working the O.R. front door. And Eddie Griffin was getting into it with an audience member, like a drunk redneck dude. And then there came a point where the guy had enough. And this dude stands up and he's like six foot six. and he charges the stage and I'm like well oh my god but it was those years where you just

I don't know I just jumped on the guy and I kicked them and I'm trying to wrestle this guy to the ground now all the tables are coming and I'm like I'm in trouble it's this guy's friends then comics are jumping in and there's a melee and then I feel this force of nature

and I go I can handle this guy but whatever this is I'm done and it was fat James and I just hear I got your back brother I got your back brother he had such a big heart that none of the other door guys jumped in I think it was maybe Brett Ernst

or somebody like that that jumped in me and then when Fat James used all his weight and got the guy out helped me get the guy out I just walked him into the back and I said Dean you're going to give this guy a job he deserves it and then he became my roommate like a couple

months after that what I'm saying this from the highest I love us I love hustle I love when people put two Me too It just makes my dick hard

You give them a nickel They come back with $10 Yep And you go how the fuck did you do that I don't think there was a Stronger hustler That I met in L.A. Than me, then Fat Jays

The truth You know he tried to get me in a lot I mean he just gave me auditions I mean he did that movie About the spelling bee Akia and the B with Lawrence Fishburn. He went on the set

because what happened between us where we were good friends. I really liked James. He would give me money for Coke and pay him back. Hilarious. He was always joking. He had such a big heart.

He had such a big heart. He was a funny-looking dude, but in auditions, that bitch did not fuck around. When he walked into an audition where I would sit there and go, oh my God.

But whatever he did, he was booking it. Yep. There was a thousand jobs I did with him. When that mafia shit was big, and he would put his crazy head to, I think we even booked the Pensor commercial together. Wow. That's how we solidified.

Where we put the guy in the trunk, and we opened the trunk, and the guy's looking back at us, and then we slammed the trunk, and it was like one day shooting. And that's how I became friends of them, and then I liked them at the store. then the longest yard came along and I still loved them everything was going then he got five from the store

something happened yeah I don't remember what happened something happened and then him and I was still tight yep and then when I got Akia and the B when I got the longest shot as I was shooting Longest Yard he was the one that told me to go to this place to read for this girl and it was December it was getting close close to the holidays.

You know how you're a little tapped out? And it was on La Brea. Remember the old Alcapulco on La Sienega? Yes. The old Alcapulco on La Sienega. It was up the corner. I didn't have any money. I parked in La Sienega in Alcapulco parking lot.

And I walked to the audition. And on the way back, I saw Fat James. He was like, I already set this audition up for you. You got this. Wow. So he goes, I'll wait for you out here. Let me know how you did. You've got to be like three guys.

Don't worry about it. I'll wait for you. Because across the street was the Chinese place. The really good Chinese place where Vito's pizzas at. Yeah. So it was all in that area. Guys took me to that Chinese place. Vos wasn't there.

But that place, that Chinese place, had the best chicken wings. Is that the Jennifer Anderson place? No. This is on the Sienaiga. Yeah, like two blocks south of Santa Monica. Right next to Vos. Yep, same parking lot. It's a Chinese restaurant now, but it's not the same people.

They had wings. Garlic wings. Four per order. We would just go in there to order six orders for lunch. Just eat wings. Big, thick pieces of garlic on it. Anyway. So I go to this, Akia and the B.

It's a Lawrence Fishburn and the chick who played, I think she's in it, the chick who played and whose love got to do with it. They were looking for like a school teacher or something. As soon as I walked in, I knew I wasn't right for the park. It was like December 16th. Fuck, I got a couple checks left from the store. Maybe I could hustle, maybe I could sell an eight more,

and make Christmas happen. I go to a key in the bee, I eat a bag of dog shit. And it's one of those places where they have five different studios. Yep. Auditioning. And as I walked by, I looked at it said Mars Bar. Mars Bar and it said International Shooting. Three days, flat fee.

It's money. So I didn't say nothing. They had nothing to do with me. I can't do international. I can't. I'm sad. Okay. It was non-union.

That's what it was. So I went to the bathroom. When I came out of the bathroom, the dude was like, Steve Simone, come on in. The guy goes, Steve Simone, and he looks over at me. He goes, excuse me, can I talk to you for a second? He goes, they're doing a commercial here. I'm looking for mobsters just like you.

Get out of here. I swear to God. And he goes, it's two days of shooting $3,000 cash. And I hope I told him, I go, what are you talking about? He goes, I'm going to stamp. Pass Semi, Lancaster. And then we're going to wake up in the morning and drive 20 miles out into this desert and shoot this Mars Bar commercial.

So I go, how many mobsters do you need? And he goes, three of them. I go, how many do you got? He goes, one of them. I go, stay right there. And I went out and I got Fat James. Wow. And I go, how about me and him?

And he goes, going and read the lines. We went in together, Marge Bar. I got him 3,000, 3,000, and the other guy. We had to go to a hotel, and I had to get coke, the whole thing. I had a good time with James, those three days. I really got the, it's like I got to know him. All the hairdo and the fatness and the cheese smell around his neck, because every once in a while he get that B-L to him.

I overlooked that. I really liked his heart, and I really liked what he was doing as a comic. He was doing something that nobody else was doing. If he didn't get the job, he was going to make sure you got the job. Yes, he was very loyal. And I learned that from, you know, that's what, when people do that, when are you saying, boom, they're an ally. That's it.

I didn't get this, but go down there, send the tape. Yep. Well, how are they going to know? Who tell them, tell them Steve Simone said you. Yeah. But I haven't talked to Steve in two years. Who cares? Right.

So take the chance. What do you give a fuck, you know? Right. That's where the school of thought he came from. Yeah. So he was like me. So we stayed friends. After that thing, we did a commercial together,

and then we did that thing together. We were tired. I'd see him at the store, and give him a hug and the whole thing. I think I did the longest yard. He kept plugging. He were living with him. You know, we were doing all these other things. Or maybe it was after-analyzed that,

Spider-Man 2. Yep. And now is about to do the longest yard. The longest yard was in May. But that December, see, because I was always very good in getting jobs in December. That's a miracle. I tell people, go with see your family. For all these little faggots and they cry, I really want to go for Christmas.

Go. I've shot NFL. One time I shot an NFL promo commercial on Christmas Eve. Wow. They shot from six in the morning to two in the afternoon. They gave me bonus money and they gave me cash and they fed me and they gave me an NFL sweatshirt. People go all out, you know. And we're going in for a fucking pilot audition one day, December 21.

Some of the best auditioning you'll do is in December. Yeah. And I remember that he called me up on that. He goes, Joey, I got the role for you. I talked to the guy already to check. They weren't you. I love James. Me too.

I love James. there's certain people I don't give a fuck what you feel like about yeah they did something to me at one time that was more valuable than you've ever done

and I know for a fact by him doing that that he's got my back so whatever you got to say around him you could say it I'm not communist Cuba right just don't say it around me

because you're wrong yeah I had his back like that I think somebody started with him at the comedy so there was somebody I had beef over over fat James I said

not on my watch. Good for you. I find that you mess with that James, there's going to be a fucking problem. And this is I'm doing coke, I'm not a nice person. I'm dying to smack somebody at the store. And one day he gets me a job.

The following Christmas, I get a call from him and he goes, hey, I got your job. It's in fucking Jamaica. We're going to Jamaica. It was called Hanging in Hito. I remember when he left for that. One of the worst movies of all time. That's the only problem with these men. that made for you to be a silent mute.

Like if you talk, you're going to fucking die at thirst. You feel like Jesus before he got stabbed. There's no fucking liquid in your mouth when you talk with these masks. It takes all the fucking fluid out. So he gets me to audition. We drive together. I pick him up because he didn't have a car, right? He did, but maybe it was in the shop.

It went down for a while when his dad had his cent. It was a couple thousand dollars. I remember that. So I took him to the audition and called the city. There was a fat little Italian lady. Me and him went in together and they told us right out. You're going. Wow.

We love you. You leave for Jamaica, December 2nd, and you come back Christmas Eve in the morning. And I go, when do we get paid? Because we didn't get paid 10 days later. You've got to give us something plus per die. And they said, don't worry, you're going to be hooked up that Friday. I was supposed to leave that Saturday, and sure enough, or that Monday, that Friday,

they said, we're going to send you the script. And then I'd send you the script. Now, I'd done to analyze that. You done real movies. I'd done a couple movies, and I know for a fact that every day you get a fucking overnight package in the mail. Even if it's got no lines,

even if it doesn't have anything to do with you, they still send you shit. So I didn't get nothing. I got on the plane with two tickets that were bought in with Miles. Like, the first leg was with Miles. the second leg was so every time i did something i didn't like it yeah it was one of those planes that lands at 915 at night but it doesn't take off till six the next oh no so now i'm at

the airport all night rolling joints smoking little weed i had no money i was smoking cigarettes at the time i was in horrible shape yeah and i take this plane in jamaica i get there they pick us up at the airport they take it to the hotel first of all the hotel's a new hotel. Everything around that was ugly. The chickens had HIV. Yeah. Everything. Just bad sign after bad sign. I get to the hotel like, oh, you're one of the actors. Go sign in all that.

So I go sign in. They give me a hotel room and they go, you're sharing a room. I go, eh, I'm sag. I don't share that room. We have to call the sag rep. And they're like, well, for this job, you just don't have to sacrifice. I go, okay, I'll sacrifice. I had the bellboy already. Where's the ounce of wheat program? So I said, where's the...

I probably had 60 bucks on me, maybe. Maybe, if I'm lucky. I go, where's the pedium? Because it was going to be like 12 days per diem. I'm looking at 100 a day. Yeah, 1,200 bucks. That helps. That helps.

Especially, I don't think the movie was paying much. They were like scale a day or something. So second question I asked. So already number one mistake was the script. Number two was sharing the room. Flying on miles. And number three was, we don't have for D. I go, what are you talking about?

I'm sad. They go, no, no, we have for Dium. But we couldn't bring the money down from New York. We're just going to send you a check at the end of the day. I took the key. I went up to my room. I took my own cash. The Bellman shows up 10 minutes.

this layer, he goes in his pocket. He just went to a tree and took a butt off the tree. It was amazing. And he goes, ah, you don't have the 60, just give me 40 then. So at least I got a little piece of weed. I fucking rolled it, I smoked it, and the fucking guy went downstairs and told ratted on me that I smoked pot on the balcony. So I went up to the producers. I'm like, hey man, this ain't going to work for Uncle Joey. I got Mike Marino and I got my man. Frank You know what's his name? Fat James. And I go Fat James, I got a problem.

This is not the way he's supposed to get treated. If you want to get treated like this. But if not, we got to get Ben Diem, but we can't share no room without a met. You know? He fell in love with the black girl, though. Oh, yeah, there was like some playmate on there. There's a playmate, and there was Sherman Hemsley.

Yep. So the first night, I'm already seeing Chubby playing with the Flack Girl, on the fact girl just playing him. Yeah. So right away, when I went to him, his mind wasn't into me. Right. He's thinking about her. When I go to talk to you,

if you're an improv guy or you're a guy that's not from the Comedy Store and I don't know you, I understand. I understand. But what comedy store guys, and I've gotten you jobs and you've gotten me jobs, you've got to stand in the line with me and go, hey, bro,

Joey might be a junkie, whatever the fuck he says. But he's right. He needs a PadillaM every day. That's in every movie. Yeah. And they were like, well, this ain't going to be like every movie. So I said, well, then I got to go. And they said, are you quitting?

Or I said, well, think about it. Yeah. You're not paying Padillaim. You got me another room with a guy. You didn't give me the script. The script ain't getting here until next week. You've got us here for three days. And they're like, you don't need money.

Everything's inclusive. You should have seen how bad the food was. Everything was bad. Like, I couldn't eat anything. Anything. Everything was horrible. Everything. The chicken looked bad.

The eggs tasted weird. And I was like, listen, I'm off the aisle this afternoon, the range of playing. They called my agent. My agent called me back mad at the time. I said, I'm not doing it. There's no predation. Yeah. He goes, well, I don't want to pay for a plane ticket for you.

I said, let me get off the phone. We had called SAG. And SAG was like, give us the producer's number. I said, better yet, he's 10 free to. me. I walked up to him. I gave him the phone. I said, SAG wants to talk to. And he goes, I can't motherfucking believe you bought fucking SAG into this and all this shit. And I go, you're not paying us. You know, you got to pay us. So what do you want to do? There's a two o'clock

flight and I can be on it. And here's Fat James and Mike Marino with me. And all of a sudden I go, I could be on it. The guy goes, well, you could leave that. And I go, all right, Fat James, get your shit. And Fat James. Look to me and turns. back. And then Mike Marino turned his back and I was like I know what time it is here.

This doesn't look like it's going to work out well for Uncle Joey. I got on my fucking I got on my plane. I came home. I saw my buddy pick me up in Miami. I spent the night with him and I came back. And then he showed up

you know, for Christmas. He came back and I think I saw him at the store like 27. Mm-hmm. I just never could talk to him again. I just got my feelings hurt that much if there was anybody else from any other place. I wouldn't have got my feelings hurt. But you're in the battle zones with me every night. I got your back at that place.

You got my back at that spot. I wasn't as mad at Marino as I was at Fat James. Marino was just Marino. He had nothing to do it. He's just a nice guy. Fat James met more to me. Yeah, it was like your brother. Fat James, like my little brother.

I admired him. I knew he was all in. I know I could call. Give me a director. Give me a director. Spielberg. I could call Spielberg and send him Fat James. They'd be in love with him.

Yeah. Fat James had that thing. Yeah. I don't know how he did it. Fat James would go on a set and his fucking energy. Fat with his fucking little... Pompadour. Pompadour.

He had a pomp. The pinky ring. The pinky ring. I mean, it was just awesome to see somebody, his size, his weight, his dimensions, going to a room like he was fucking Richard Gere. Oh, such confidence. Such confidence.

Did you ever hear him sing? He could really sing. He could really sing. I had a motherfucker could sing. I did see him sing somewhere. I can't remember all the places now. It's vague to me. What year did he die?

I don't know. I'm going to guess, 08. So he's been done for 12 years like Maryland? I want to guess. Well, it was probably two, three years after Maryland. So maybe 11. I don't know. They all blend together.

I was living. It was 11. It was 2011. Not that I think back. And he just got sick? Um, he got sick. They didn't know what it was. And then they diagnosed cancer.

and then it turned out that it was a rare bone cancer that he had for a while that nobody knew. I called him at the end. I went to visit him. We spoke at the end. He had the hospital. Yeah, we spoke and we made our peace.

I told him I loved him, but he apologized to me. And he went, he was pissed too. He goes, I fucking did that. The chick didn't suck my dick. And then I left the three grand. She was supposed to take me to Hughes. Oh, yeah, I kept on saying he was going to go to the Playboy Mansion. And then she stood him up for the Playboy Mansion.

So he goes, I learned a big lesson, too. I said, we did. I go, hopefully when you get out of there, we have some coffee and stuff. He never got out. I think we sent flowers or something. We weren't really, you know, whatever. It was tough. I feel for him now.

And I feel that I hate when people don't talk about people in that dead. Like some people are just forgotten. And it bothers me. Like, if you and I had a good mutual friend that died, every time I'd see you, we'd go. Can you imagine if Fred James is here? He'd want to go to Wings of Ohio. Yeah. Or fucking McDonald's or something, you know?

Yeah. And that's what burns me up. Like, Maryland's forgotten. Maryland's never been forgotten in my mind. Most of the people who have died in my life, I've never really forgotten. Every day, I think of somebody. And on Mondays, when I light my candles, I light a candle for them, you know, and I think about them and just give them the thought.

Ever since I watched the movie Coco, do you see Coco? No. It's great. It's about people who die that if you don't give them light, then they disappear. So you have to put their picture up. You have to have, like, what they call, like, it's a family altar. They call, like, an altar for your family, for you to give them light. So I don't have no pictures of Fat James, but I just said a little prayer from the other day.

I pray for him all the time. And I thought about you. That's a really weird thing about growing up. Because I had family members pass away, like grandparents and all that. But when friends start passing, it's very different. It took it out of me. Yeah. That's tough.

I mean, you know, I don't really, especially now, but I acknowledge Brody's year anniversary. You know, I acknowledged it. And I miss them. I've never gotten over him. I haven't processed it yet. No. The same way I haven't processed Ralphie Mae.

No. But in time, you know, the idea I was stretching. And I'm like, fuck. At least Brody's gone. He has to put up with this because he couldn't deal with not doing stand-up. No. Brody would have been on the corner of Laurel. Playing drums with a megaphone, doing crowd work.

Like this would have just not worked. somebody would have had to move him with Brody and really watch him. Yeah. I think it would be funny. He'd be drumming on Periscope all day. All day long. I thought about that the other day.

Yeah. What are your plans, Steve? Well. What are you looking at right now? Long range. You have to have three plans right now. Short, medium, and long. What do you think?

Short term is just to keep my sanity, number one, and stay in a state of gratitude. I'm praying more than ever. And that gives me a true. tremendous sense of peace. And I feel good, to be honest, and I'm grateful for that, that I feel good. So that's a short term. Just keep on saying my rosary, keep on reaching out to people, keep on praying every day. Then I'm going to see what they tell us how much longer this is, because my parents are older.

And I haven't gone longer than six weeks without checking in on them. So what I may do is jump on a plane and then isolate myself. If I can get enough masks and hand sanitizer and everything, or get it. tests, if they have the tests going and I can make sure I don't have it, I'm going to go take care of my parents. That's the short term plan. Or hopefully they'll open up the world before that. Then a long term plan is, I don't know. I don't know what's after that. I don't know what stand-up comedy is going to be. I was pitching TV shows. I got, I'm working on a movie. Who knows, but I don't know. I have a lot of projects that are keeping me busy. But if things get shut down, I'm like, What am I even doing in L.A.

If you want to know the truth. I'm like, what do I want out of life? I want to be around my family. I want to be around my friends. And this has put everything in the perspective for me. Before the podcast started, you said something very interesting. That this is like an earthquake in L.A. Like after Northridge, if you look up how many people left after Northridge.

Once you experience an earthquake, you think twice. Like, is this for me? Yep. I just got a fucking pay cut. My kid's not in school. all fucking year. How much longer do I want to do this shit for? So,

but the problem is, I don't think it's just going to happen with LA. Yeah. You know, they got over 100,000 cases in New York. I think it's going to be a mass exodus from New York, a mass exodus from L.A. Because there's such expensive cities to live? Who's going to be able to afford to stay? Well, everything goes in cycles. Like, at first, this country was a bunch of farmers.

Yeah. And then they moved to the cities. when that's where the jobs were. I think this is showing us. I think a lot of companies are going to look at it and be like, wait, we could have an office base half the size and pay people to work from home. Then I can live in Florida or Kansas

and pay a third of the rent. Absolutely. I think we're going to spread out like that. Something that you, Steve, you've taught me that I'm not good at still is being grateful when things are bad. Yeah. And there's a lot of this that I,

once the sickness is gone, I think it's going to be a better world for everybody. I think this was God telling us, go to your room and think about what you've done. That's really how I feel. I know I'm going to get criticism for that, but I think ultimately, if we take the time to reflect about our lives, we're going to come out better people. Absolutely. We're going to treat each other better. I say it every day.

You're going to come out a stronger person. I think so. That's it. And I'm excited for that. I'm legitimately excited because we're going to treat. because we're going to have our challenges as Americans coming out of this. How are we going to repair this economy? But I'm so confident in American people.

I'm so confident the guys that grow up the way we did with family, with neighbors, with community. And we started to lose our soul. Let's be honest. Everybody wanted to drive BMWs and have expensive clothes and expensive houses instead of Sunday dinners. You know how many people? I never saw a kid once in Los Angeles and 20 years learn how to ride a bike. you told me a story today two weeks ago

I saw three kids two kids learning how to ride a bike another buddy of mine told me that he was teaching his daughter how to ride a bike we're spending more time together we're celebrating the little things together more families are hanging out together

we watch movies every night and giggle she goes in the shower it's 630 now we skip world news tonight yeah don't need to watch we'll need to watch the 530 nothing we fucking 6 o'clock we eat

she goes in the bath early now she comes out they make popcorn I fucking hate popcorn I said I don't like the smell of it I still on the other couch After 10 you don't need to eat popcorn at a movie You made your point That's a starreful yeah

After 10 you don't need to eat popcorn You're too big to be in popcorn anyway Unless you got a little hat or you're half retarded Or you got like a mixing eye Or a lip cup Whatever the cleft lip Then you need to fucking add a popcorn Until then leave it alone with the popcorn

I see 50-year-olds with a tub of popcorn. That's a year asshole. The fuck out of here. Fucking popcorn. Ah, you sit down. We watch, you know, trolls and onward. But how great is that? That family time.

This is what this country was about. Listen. I agree. I finished Led Zeppelin book. Now I'm going to start on the Jimmy Page book. Okay. But there's a book in there that I saw that I really, really, really want to. get in there. I can't.

Fuck now. On the transfer, I forgot what the book was about. What was really important? We were talking about what's really important, what you're doing with your family now. And this is what America was, is what you were saying. This is what America, you know, like

reading again and all that stuff, the books. But one of the books that I forget now, so I'm sorry. Who the fucking knows? It's 10 o'clock at night. The edible is a kick on. But I like the reading again. I enjoy talking to my wife again.

The first two weeks was a little brutal. Being locked in with somebody. We figured out our boundaries. We figured out rides. We figured out workouts. Yeah. You know, and I'm prepared to do another four or six weeks of this. I know I'm going to be better mentally.

Yeah. Clearly, I'm going to let all the... All right. There's a book in my thing that's called, Ladies and Gentlemen, Lenny Bruce. Okay. And I'm going to read it again. And I'm going to read it again

because that's the book that confirmed that I want to be a stand-up comic. And it wasn't because, it was because of what I read in that book. And I think we're going to go back to it now, where comics are going to start hanging out with strip clubs and doing comedy the way we used to. Like, that might be an avenue.

like bring a comic in to host a night a popular comic whether it's bill burr or theo von and he does comedy you know when you read leny bruce's book you think about him going back to the chelsea at four in the morning and shooting a hero with strippers and jazz musicians and nowhere in there they talk about cars and fancy cars and nothing like that that wasn't what lenny bruce was about you know Right. Mitzy Shaw was kind of the same way. Nobody doesn't like success. But there's a success to a degree that a comic under that should be a certain way. Or unless he becomes a movie star, i.e. Eddie Murphy. Yeah. I mean Richard Pryor.

I think that comedy got ahead of itself. I think that we were doing comedy wrong. Yeah. I think the agents and everybody used. influenced that greed. You know, where I came from, you got a guy a job on TV first. He did 10 episodes, then he went to the store for a few weeks,

then when the episodes started hiring, he went on tour. So every Tuesday night, that show is on. You know he's that Friday and Saturdays, and Denver Comedy Works, or he's at the Ontario Improv. And he would do that for 10 or 12 weeks. Make some money, come home, rest, and then start up on the show again.

Yeah. We forgot all that. We didn't want our comics to do shows or anything no more. We've got to live. Comedians have to live and see Rob Briggle, who's never said a funny thing in his life. Sweetheart of a guy and Dak Shepard, who's never said a funny thing in his life,

sweetheart of a guy who, I don't know how many failing shows Dak Shepard has been on. But Chris DeLeer can't get arrested. You know what I'm saying? So my point is I think the agents started depending more on stand-up, And now today they're paying for it. Yeah. Because when their stand-up clients after we actually come back,

they have nothing to go to. Yeah. But 200, 300, 400-C crowds. If you had to prepare these kids, I've been with them, my agency for seven years. Mm-hmm. Every agent is losing money because they're not either putting energy or anything into podcasts.

Yeah. The thing that's generating comedy as a whole, They're ignoring. And even after this fucking strike that they're cutting down their salaries and percentages and demoting people, they still won't get a podcast thing. They're not getting paid right now, but there's 30,000 podcasts that are making a living and not paying commission and not thinking of paying commission. Yeah.

Because this was something they had to sell to their agents. And the agents were like, ah, people have commissions. Like, if you call your agent tomorrow and say, hey, I'm starting a podcast with Ryan. And sick. That's great. Yeah. Okay. I'll call you later. They don't respect it. Well, that's what I think is one of the exciting things.

That's one of the things I'm looking forward to is how the business is going to evolve. You know, like this whole podcast thing is that's what boomed the state. That's what boomed all the ticket sales. That's what got live comedy going was all these people hearing people on podcasts and stuff like that. So to me, it's exciting. I don't know what the next step's going to be, but I'm looking forward to it. I'm very looking forward to putting together a new hour. I cannot tell you, I'm like a child right now, just waiting for that hook.

Yeah. And I think I got the hook, and I could run with it. Plus, I got an hour old material. Yeah, that nobody's seen it on tape. They've seen it, but it's not on tape. Yeah. I could still run that in and really get two hours going once everything starts again, and we get 20 people.

Maybe I shoot a special with 20 people small. Yeah. Selling for $3 on line. That's it. You know, and that's it. This is not, you know, today I got to call, well, people are going to have to do this and this? For starters, just lower your ticket prices.

Yeah. Everybody's going to have to take a chunk on ticket prices. Because if not, you're not going to sell a ticket. Yep. Listen, ticket prices for comedy shows were supposed to be agreeable with a movie ticket. Yeah, so everybody can, it should be for everybody. something. Yeah.

You know, when you went to a movie theater in the old days, it was in the same, there was a strip mall. There was a comedy store there, a comedy club. Yeah. It wasn't the best comedy club in the world, but the fucking Popeye is sold out. So what are you going to do? Right.

Take her home? No. Take it to the comedy show. Drink her up and go home and suck a twat after she lasts for an hour. Right. You know what I'm saying? That's the obvious thing. But if I go into a comedy club and I got to pay $41, $4 a ticket charge,

two drinks, become something different too expensive that's what I hated about where the business had gone now I was looking at ticket prices and I was like these people how can they fucking sleep at night but but that that's just a small person our whole culture did that everybody everybody everybody everybody everybody everybody got too greedy and now they want to cry that they don't have money that's not my problem you were jumping up and down you know all your fucking the VPs the senior VPs yes they all paid themselves at homes or hundreds of millions at

Sell those homes and get your wife sucking dick. It's not my problem. We're all in this together. You gotta pay your fucking employees, you know. Your wife likes to suck dick and you're on Viagra. Fuck it. Make a switch somewhere. I mean, I don't get all that stuff.

Like I said to you, all these businesses that are fucking with people, write them down. Yeah. Write them down. Yep. And the first time you're going to do business with them, you fucked up. Yep. If enough people go, you know what? I remember what they did during fucking whatever.

Yeah. I didn't want to give my $45 that I paid to go see Molly Crew. Yep. I'm never going to give them money again. They can keep the $45 fucking dollars. Yep, we're done here. And that's why I told you guys that first Sunday, when everything was falling apart, I go do me a favor, guys.

Get your money back for all these shows tomorrow. I wake up the next day, I sold 50 tickets in Austin. I was like, I just told you to fucking take away the shows. Now the show got pushed until January. Yeah. It's fucking April. It's fucking April. You know, I told you to,

fucking pull your money away. Take it out of that. You don't want to give your money to nobody right now. Your money belongs to you. Yeah. Your money belongs to you. If I would have bought a Motley crew ticket

for $3.50 right now, I'll call them every day. I'll be sending them pizza boxes with nothing in it. Yeah. Until I get my money and grenade twitches and shit like that. You know, I'm getting my fucking money,

you know? Anything good you watch over this? I watched the Narcos Mexico. I thought that was great. Second season? The second one, the most recent one. I thought that was really good. I jumped on that Tiger King bandwagon when it was brand new.

I didn't know what I was watching. Still haven't watched it yet. It's unbelievable. It's getting too many crazy reviews. Yeah, now too many people kind of ruined it. It's hard to watch. I can watch an hour at a time. It's too crazy.

I couldn't believe what I was watching. And that's it. Honestly, I've been talking. One of the blessings that's come out of this is so many people. have reached out to me. People that I haven't talked to in 10 years, people I haven't seen in a couple years. Me too. And it's like all day long, it feels like, oh, this is what we should be doing all the time. It's good. I'm spending more time with people over the phone or FaceTime or Zoom or whatever. And I got projects I have to work on more shit. I told people in the beginning.

I said, listen, guys, before you go into this and lose your mind, there's no debtor's prison. they don't throw you in jail for debt. I owed hundreds of thousands of dollars the drug dealers and credit cards they're not going to throw you in jail. You might have to disconnect your phone and get a burner phone under your girlfriend's name for a few weeks

and little by little, it just starts to fall off your credit bureau. Yeah. Little by little. If you drop out, you know, when I got into comedy, I didn't get into comedy, it'd be a star.

I got it to come out. me to drop out of civilization. Interesting. I had had it. I had it. I didn't know what, you know, after my mother's death and the divorce, I had had it. bureaucracy, I lost a kid. You know, I found that you have to pay for an attorney to do anything in this life.

If you had no attorney, you end up in prison or your deals want to get lost, you know. I found out so many things. So comedy for me was triple runs until I turned 60. Yeah. I can care less. You know, drive, meet chicks, do drugs. Wink, live like the catcher for Major League. Remember when they call him in the beginning

and he's got two Mexican chicks and there's a chicken running through the room? That's my, that was the one I wanted my life to be. You know, I wanted to live like Charles Bronson. I wanted to die alone. Fuck, is my mind changed? Nobody wants to die alone, you know? All these things that you have that you wanted to and you changed later on, you know. this experience has made me look at things a lot different now.

I love comedy. 29 years I've been doing it. I don't see it for me the next five years. I see it as something to do, but not something I could take on the road and tour constantly. Yeah, I don't know. I'm going to try to do, I'm going to try to add another dimension to my arsenal in the next couple months.

let me watch the smoke the clouds part yeah to see how it shakes out a little bit and then we're attacking I got an idea I got an idea you're involved good Lee has to show me

he wants to be involved because gotta be out of the house by nine every day whether you took eight other boosters night before 22 it don't matter coffee or shower

bang one out of the shower I think that's important I think that's a good tip for anybody listening how to keep your sanity through all this Listen, my sanity is very easy. Yep.

I get up at 7.30. Whenever time I get up, I have coffee. I talk to my wife for a couple minutes. I do whatever I have to do on social media. Yep. I write my journal, and as soon as the journal is finished, regardless of what time it is, I run and take a shower. Yep.

Because that's the most important thing out of this whole thing. Exactly. I make my coffee, I jump in the shower. Take a shower. Yep. If you want to jump in a shower and put your coffee on and come out that coffee's on fire. I'm not ever going to be mad.

That's what I make sure it's the right temperature. I have my ice water. You always told me years ago. Have that ice water in the morning, get the system going. As soon as you wake up, you have a glass of ice water. I turn on the shower. I get my ice water. I put the coffee in the machine.

I take my shower. I come out. My coffee's waiting for me. I'm in a good mood for the rest of the day. You open up your thing. You read. You make your notes. You look at your emails.

You go over your schedule for your day. You write your journal. Nobody's got work. And nobody's got nowhere to go. But let me tell you something. If you sit there with your fucking pajamas and no pants on and just sit in front of the TV, you're not going to do much.

It's going to affect your brain. You're not going to do much during this thing. It's not going to work out. You're going to be in a worst position than you were when this thing started. Yeah. So I advise everybody. You get up in the morning, you got an hour. And an hour, you take that shower.

You comb your hair like you're going to a meeting. Absolutely. I don't care if you just get in the car, take a ride around the block and go get gas. Yep. At least you did something to make you fear of yourself like you were human. Exactly. I did something last week that I wouldn't do for anybody. You know, last week was no school.

Yeah. So, whoa, whoa, wait a second. So we don't have school for two weeks, and then you're going to take a spring break and really fuck me up in the middle of this. Well, you didn't fuck me up. You fucked up my little girl's head for the fucking week. The kid didn't know what to do. So sadly, we did a couple things. I took her here, here.

And we were sitting there, and she did something good. Oh, we were here. We did a podcast. We have a podcast tomorrow or four. We did a podcast, and I'm sitting there that she did so well, because this one was about music. So she actually had to talk about music and then bring her the piano in from the computer,

and it tells you what to hit. And we sang Yankee Doodle, came to town. hey she hates when I go hey she's like dad stop with the age you know no matter what she sings there's always a hey so she did a great job and I'm sitting here looking at and I go what can I do to put normality back in the life yes and I did something I don't wish on nobody I said I'm just going to go take a look I'm going to go to burbank go to chick filet take her to check fillet take her the Chick-fil-A to go. You know, put it in the backseat,

wipe it down. I did something better. I took her right to McDonald's. She was so fucking happy because I put normality back into her life. She said, but Daddy, mommy's only going to get mad. I don't deal with mommy. I put my

glove on. It was 462. I gave the guy of five. He gave me the change in the glove. I put in the second cup. I took the thing, and I put on the fucking floor that made her weak. Yeah. All we need is one or two days

that we do something normal. I mean, I don't want you to go to the gay club and suck a dick. That's not normal. Right. I don't want you to, you know, well, for some people, I don't want you to go, but you still need something to remind you of the old you. Absolutely. And once you start

slipping with showers, like people tell me, I haven't shaved in a month. A woman told me that they haven't shaving in my legs. I had to finally shave my pussy because it was bothering me. You're a filthy animal and you're working in reverse. Yeah. You know, I don't want you to get up and work out. You know

why? Because there's so much stress on the body right now. The psyche. Wait until you work out and you start throwing punches. I could throw five minutes of punches like nothing. Now, the first three minutes, I'm winded. Yeah. I'm thinking corona's coming, my whole body.

Right. I feel spotting. Not the measles. That's your mind playing. on you. But that's your mind is heavy. Yes. Your endurance is heavy. Everything's heavy. It takes me a couple rounds of hitting the bag. The warm up. I mean, I got to look up and breathe

and fucking focus. And then at the end of the warm up, at the end of everything, the downward dogs, the stretches, you know what I do? I actually meditate. That's good. And I try to focus on the sounds of the sky. I do the whole thing.

I sit like a fucking Hindu. you know, the fingers like this. I put my, I focus on the third eye. And I know some of you people who listen to the podcast in the last four weeks, you could see that little by little by my tone, I'm accepting what's happening. And this is the biggest thing you can do right now.

It's accept what's happening and prepare, have two plans, a plan A or plan B. Yeah. You know, you said it the best. The mass exodus are going to be here in New York. Yep. People live in New York going, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

I'm paying 32 for a one-bedroom. Yeah? I'm doing this and this and this. What do I want really want out of life? This is a fucking scumbag. My friend I went to college with, he'd get me a job in Ohio. Yeah? In Columbus, I get an apartment for regular.

New York, goodbye. This is exactly what it's do. Where are we going to put all these people? Right. Where are we going to put these New York and California transplants? You know, people are going to be unhappy with. their local state government. Remember, you can't make everybody

happy. Right. So that means people are going to be flip-flopping. I've met two people in two weeks that are friends of my daughter from the school. Yeah. They're out of here at the end of May. Wow. One just bought a house online in Texas. Wow.

And the other one got laid off the nurse and she's going right to Jersey. They're going to Palm Springs for a couple days. They're going to come back, pack up the house. and they're not going to tolerate this no more because what's the what's 50% of this shit's coming back

and the other and we don't know so and you have the same dilemmas in your lives guys and I'm telling you right now is your uncle Joey do not let this eat you up you're going to lose you're going to lose you will lose against this you will lose

this will take 10 years off your life not by getting the COVID but the worrying The pressure on your heart and the stress on your heart, guys, whether you're 22 or 52, take care of yourself, wear a mask, stay home. You want to do drugs? You think I'm going to be mad at you? I'm not going to be mad at you. You think I'm going to be mad at you?

People are drinking 60% more. People, the weed stores can't keep the weed. If you were in the weed business today, the longer this lash, you're going to be a millionaire. Yeah. People are smoking eights a day. day. Okay. So much uncertainty.

I mean, that's what I, I just started praying more. And I'm not going to give that up. I pray. I'm not giving it. I have so much peace right now that it. I find the beauty of my daughter. I find the beauty of my friends. I take the balance when I talk to my Jersey friends. Yeah.

And I see what they're going through. It's tough. I've already offered them. Like, I've already sent a couple of them good things. Just like I tell them, I can't you but I don't want you missing any meals either not on my watch right I don't want you to go to Ruth Chris right but what if I send you a deuce and you bought eight dinners with that exactly buy a pork loan by a fucking yeah and you're 56 that filet mignon you cut that in and

make tacos one night yes tacos and then make a steak the next night I mean it's not the way we used to we're going back first of all if you're normal you're not eating what used to. I'm not eating by far what I used to. Not even by far. I'm cooking all the time, but I'm eating once a day. I'm cooking but I'm eating three times a day. Nothing from outside the house.

I got away from the bacon. I'm back to oatmeal with cinnamon. So good for you. A little bit of honey in the morning. For lunch, it's a single thing. Today I had halibut which is zero. It's delicious. With wild rice for lunch. Portions. My wife

portions amount. And for For dinner, we went all up. To celebrate Mercy riding a bicycle, we made sloppy Joe's with Taita Tots. And guess what? Oh, it's perfect. I still got three points left in my protein shake tonight. That's great. That's it.

And I burned nine points today. That's great. Two for boxing and seven for whiskey. When you think about it, what a blessed life that is, you're eating better, your exercise, more. There's more balance to our lives now. But this wasn't the way it was two weeks ago. Two weeks ago, oh my God, March 15th,

once again, eight pounds out weight. I caught myself when I started to go, they're going to cut you out of your apartment if you don't stop. And that's when I just, I was going, all right, instead of not eating for 12 hours a day, I went shoot for minimum 15. And today, I think I went like 20 hours or something.

I'm cutting the sugar out too. Yep. At least sugar I do. Like, there's nothing, nothing sugary. Sugar's poison. The last three weeks I had something one night with the girls. Oh, they brought home,

my wife only brings home six powdered donuts. So that's two little ones apiece, which are like three points on weight watches. Yeah. But do me your favor, guys. When you wake up in the morning, don't dilly dally. Take a shower.

Yeah. It'll make you feel a lot better and it'll clear your head for the day. And it'll make you do something. You want to do things that You know, when I go outside the workout, I start with a swinging bat. And I take it from there. How do I feel with the swinging bat?

I did three minutes. Let's go hit the bag. Oh, I feel pretty good. Let's do some ball bounces. Wow. Oh, let's do some more. Let's do some tactical fitness exercises. You know what?

Let me do a fucking kettlebell. Today I did those walks. Like farmers walks? Five of them? Oh, back and forth. Woo! Then I did a couple squats. Then I did high pulls with the kettlebells.

Old school. Then I did one-arm pulls with the kettlebells. Then I did curls. I got two 15-pound dumbbells. That's the best I got. Yeah. And I just did curls to failure, you know?

I got the bats and I did shoulder presses, you know, sitting down, stretching, pushing this way instead of up. Yeah. I'm just... The writing, the journal is big when I read it. I don't know what the fuck I'm reading. Yeah.

It's just a... bunch of thoughts that are coming through my head which shows me I'm not focused. But I think that the things that are helping me the most right now is my daughter. Yeah. Taking the showers, living my life, like if I was going to work and I had a regular day. Yeah. You're up, dog. You're up.

Mm-hmm. I know you got a rough night, but you got to get up. You got to jump in the shower. Yeah. I have breakfast. After that, go for a ride. If you decide by the time you come back that you retire, then go back to bed.

Right. But you already did a couple things. You already made yourself feel good. Yes. You went out, I don't want you to walk into Starbucks, and I don't want you to wait online. We're not calming this fucking Cuba. I just want you to take a ride,

see what people are doing, see what people are doing a NoHo. Sit by NoHo for five minutes. And go, look at these people begging for COVID. I wish I just had a COVID gun. I'd go in there and say, open your mouth, kneel down.

Let me just give it to you because you're going to get it anyway. Yeah. Today you could see them in the middle. There had to be and people talking with umbrellas. Like,

the umbrella's going to save you from COVID. Fuck the fucking COVID. And fuck the fucking web markets, these cops suckers. Do what my man Steve Simone is doing.

Find the hobby. Cook. Yeah. You know? You even told me you brought it to some of your neighbors. Yep.

Which shows me the humanity in you. You're a bad motherfucker. Yeah. I wish I would promote your tour dates. I've done. The cruise ship I was on sunk.

I saw a picture of it. I saw Leolada of DiCaprio with the girl waving. They're done. And we got no dates for you people. We got nothing but podcasts and nothing but love. We're going to keep doing them

until they make us fucking stop doing them. We're wearing the mask. We got the door open. I got the Oseum here. This is what Lee Spell's, sprays between his toes and everything is beautiful and as long as Lee's good, you're good

and the church family's good at home. I'm fucking happy with you guys. We're going to keep doing this. Whatever the fuck, we don't give a fuck. We push straight ahead. The message has to get out, cock's up. Again, as far as dates, I got nothing.

But I'll tell you what I do got for you. I got a deal of a fucking lifetime because you guys on the computer so fucking much today, and I don't know if you guys been reading the report. Scammers are out more than anything, and they will get your shit because you're over there checking your 1850 balance in Bank of America.

You've got to get the 20 to take it out, so you better come up with another dollar 50, but that's not my point here. What you're looking to do is privacy and security online, and ExpressVPN is great for doing this. But now that you're stuck at home and you could also use it to unlock foreign movies and TV shows that are only available in other countries,

binge on Doctor Who on UK Netflix, or if you're into Japanese anime, use it to watch Spirited Away on Netflix, Japan. It's very easy to use. Even a dummy like me can do it. Just open the app, change your location, And that's it. Choose from over 100 different countries. ExpressVPN works on any streaming service. Netflix, Amazon, Hulu, BBC, YouTube, you name it. The reason my wife and I use ExpressVPN, it's that as fast. There's no buffering. There's no lag. And you could stream an HD without any issues. And it works on all your devices. That's the fucking MacDady. Phone, tablet, console, small TV, ExpressVPN is there to make everything a lot better.

You can see Japanese shows, but most importantly, is protecting your privacy and security online. So right now, the church family can get up to go to ExpressVPN.com slash church to get three months free. three months free to get you started. Who else is doing that in today's market? Nobody! Your Uncle Joey's looking out for your cuck, suckers. So do me a favor. Go to ExpressVPN.com slash church.

Support the podcast. Watch what the fuck you want, but most importantly, protect yourself. The church is also brought to you by CBDLion.com like a motherfucker. Like I said in the beginning. times you need all the help you get you never know what's working against you what's

working with you besides taking supplements I do my protein shakes but CBD is a big part of my life in fact to be honest to you I think the CBD is helping me with the anxiety because when I was first getting everything I was forgetting to take my CBD at night yeah and the last two weeks I've been blasted off 5,000 milligrams at night before I go to bed under my tongue. And it's made life a little bit more manageable. It doesn't feel like I'm on an episode of Twilight Zone. So do me a favor.

Go to CBDline.com. I don't, listen, I reached out to them because the product was so good. I used the cream. I used the gummy bears. I use the bat balls. I use the fucking tincture. I use the gummy bears. Guys, come on.

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No more buying fucking CBD at a Chinese restaurant No more I think they lost their credibility With the bat soup Fucking nobody's buying fucking You know

Nobody's buying dick All right But CBD is the way to go Do me a favor Go to CBDLion.com Take a look at the great celebrity of CBD. Take a look at your ailments. They've got the CBD to help your ailment. No other CBD company has put that in writing. CBD line has done that. So do me a favor. Go to cbdline.com.

Press church on the way out and get 20% delivered right to your motherfucking door. I want to thank CBDline.com. And I also want to thank expressbPN.com. slash church and go get you three months. Besides that, I want to thank Steve Simone. I want to thank the Christkiller, but I want to thank you motherfuckers for always having them back and being here for us. We love you.

And remember, what's the church say? We're using Lysol as Mace. Come close to us to six feet. You're losing a fucking eye. You understand me, cuck, sucker? That eye will never get red again. I love you today. See you Sunday morning,

Monday morning, it's 420. I'll see you, motherfuckers nice and early, ready to get the party started. All right, besides that, have a great weekend, stay safe, and I love you guys in all my heart. I'm sorry about what you're going through in the situations,

but trust me, this two will pass. Amen. God bless you, motherfuckers. Lee, take this goddamn meal, fucksucker.