The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #779 - 4/20 Special with George Perez

Episode Date: April 20, 2020

Happy 4/20! George Perez, a stand up comedian, an actor, and the host of the, "George Perez Stories" podcast, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt LIVE in studio. This podcast is brought to you by: MyBookie.ag -  Use code promo joey to get a 50% match on your first deposit up to $1,000.    CBD Lion - For all of your CBD needs, from shatter to gummies, go to www.CBDLion.com and use code CHURCH for 20% off.   

Oh shit. It's Monday for motherfucking 20. Greetings from Podcastville, you bad motherfuckers. The church is brought to you by MyBooky. Listen, just because Corona got you sitting on your fucking ass, don't mean you can't get in some action from the comfort of your own home. Head over to MyBooky.ag slash Joey and make some bets. Listen what I got for you. This week, this Thursday starts the NFL.

It's the NFL draft on Thursday. They're not waiting for nobody. Bet the over and undone, who gets in? And this just in. If you miss the UFC, now you can watch the UFC three simulated games and bet on the lines.

They also got NBA 2K, NFL games on Madden, fit for soccer, NCAA brackets, and they got lines on soccer, from all over the world. Belarus, Taiwan, Nicaragua, Tajis Kinakini. I can't even say it.

It's like a hummus ball in my throat. These fucks don't stop. You understand me? And if you want to play casino games, if that's your thing, fuck it. They got card games with the live human dealer. And you can play against other live people. No fucking computers.

Not some fucking guy die. My name is, get the fuck out of here. And they got slap machines. Poker roulette, Baca rock, and more. Listen,

do me a favor. Head over to my bookie right now. Cut this shit. It's Monday morning. How bored are you right now? How bored are you right now? How bored are you right now? Let's do this shit.

They're going to give you 50% on your initial deposit and bonus funds. That means if you deposit a G-note, $1,000, they'll give you extra 500 just like that. You put 500 in, they give you

$250. More money in your pocket to play with and more opportunity to win. So open up your browser, punch in mybooky. orgia slash Joey and get ready to make some fucking Getus, all right? Who's better than you

on motherfucking 420? Head over to the casino at my bookie.ag and sign up for a 50% bonus. The church of what's happened now is also brought to you by CBD fucking lying.

Let me tell you something. They've helped me out a lot because you don't know what life is to you got to walk around your neighbor with a fucking mask on. I'm building up cardio. Thank God I got shroom tech fucking immune. But CBD, I needed you more than ever. This walking around the neighborhood with the fucking mask

is not giving me enough fucking oxygen or something. But I had a little pain in my feet the first couple days. I rubbed the cream on my feet I took the tincture before I went to bed and boom, I'm a new fucking man the next day hang on the fucking bullshit you When it comes to CBD

CBD lion.com is the way to go Unbelievable. Tinctia Vapapapen fucking gummy bears They got a bath ball That you soak in at night Once a week I throw a little purple one in there I fucking soak everything my knees

I'm an old man I'm a fat fuck Who are you kidding? I need everything And now the little Chinese massage parlor One of the business up my corner Is it? Nah, who's going to go in and get a Chinese massage?

Can you imagine right now? You're fucking, you're having a nervous breakdown while she's rubbing your neck. Anyway, CBDline.com Go to their website and see the third-party test results. They're not fucking around.

Best gummy bears out there in the business. Best gummy bears, strawberry, raspberry, orange, and they got a tropical coming, I think it's online already. Don't quote me. But fucking the fucking raspberries and the strawberries and the orange or something.

C.BD.Lion.com. Press in church. Get 20% off your order. You understand me? Kick this motherfucker, Emil Lee. Oh shit. Get off that fucking cut out. No more fucking excuse.

This is the year of the fucking soldier. We're going in like fucking Marines. You understand me? Welcome to church, motherfucker. I love you, motherfuckers. Happy 420 to you. No worry about what's going on. The only thing that's going on is you.

You're alive, you're kicking. You're trying to put two pieces together, but so is everybody else. But right now, it's 4 fucking 20. I got my main brother in the house with the mask and everything. George Perez. I got Steinmey over here. He don't want to do nothing. It's hilarious.

I feel sitting across from George, I feel like we're two drug dealers on drugs ink. Yeah. You watch drugs ink. Yeah. Every Friday night, I go out there on an Uber. I sell fucking met. The little white kids, and you see the guy, yeah, now I'm going to go to Guerrilla's house.

You know, you ever watch that show? No. There's a show called Drugs Inc. On travel, something like that. Drug Zink. And the show drugs that have an Uber? They fucking show every city. They break down every city.

They got a drug dealer. They show you the components of the city. What makes up the drugs? What part of the city? city they sell them. And they give you the life and day of two or three drug dealers. That's some shit. Everybody's got to wear a mask and shit.

And you see them picking up the code. Yeah, and they all got street names. No way. Killer and they'll type up. And they've been having the coronavirus for years. They always got bandanas on and hats and little Chinese glasses and shit. That's fucking funny. Remember the 70s that had glasses to make you look Chinese?

Yeah. What? Yeah, they had like little glasses to have like a glaze on them. What was it part of that? Some made people think he were Chinese. I don't know, Lee. It was like a 3D glasses. I didn't ask questions.

I just bought them, threw them in my drawer. It was like giving away 50 cents. Here, do you take this? I don't fucking know. All right. It's 420. That fucking weed was good. I also want to give a shout out to weedmaps.com.

I did a video for them this morning. It's up and rock it on my Instagram. And it's also on Twitter. I don't know where to fuck it. I know it's on Instagram. And I'm part of the festival this afternoon for weedmaps.com. So don't forget about that. What's been going on, George Perez?

You know, bro, just living this quarantine life, you know? Trying to be a weenie during the quarantini. You know? I just like, you know, we talk, Joey, I love you. You call me like every other day or check in on me. And like, it's just been a bonding time with the, kids, my kids are older, younger, and just living it up, bro.

You know? What else can you do? At this point, I already wrote out my obituary. Yeah? That's how you do it. When you're this kid, when you're walking around this scared, I want you to do with general whatever, told this meant. Write out your obituary and your fucking eulogy.

Yeah, you want the right guy to write. That's it. All of you do that. You can be a new fucking man the next day. Trust me what I'm telling you. Uncle Joey don't lie to none of his nephews. You know I love you, motherfuckers, with all my heart. Are you scared? Are you having anxiety?

Do me a favor, write your fucking obituary, the whole thing. Joey Diaz, aka Buttons, aka Fingers, born in Nevada. I grew up in North Bergen, deceased daughter, and leaves behind a wife and a Jewish fucking mutage, you know, the whole thing. I wrote right out your obituary. write out your eulogy what you want people to say about you I wrote a letter I'm a fat fuck

he was a good dude he respected comedy you know he was a thief in life but when it came to comedy he did it right you know I wrote a fucking eulogy out and that's it move on guys if corona gets you it gets you it doesn't all you can do is wash your hands wear a mask

and don't bug stay away from people but beside that you're doing the right thing so you need money so does everybody else. Yeah. Waded out, go to the advance paycheck, that ring you got on,

you can't eat it. Yep. You can't eat it. I've been telling you for years. That car you bought against everybody's wishes, you can't eat it. Go sell it.

Fuck it. Light on fire in Mexico. I don't give a fuck what you got to do. Sell it to the cartel. This is what you need to do now. George, I give you props. You even fucking got a job.

Yeah, I got a job, dude. I clean offices. Yeah. This is it. This is what people don't understand. This is why you're on the show today to let people know that we're comedians, but we'll do whatever

the fuck it takes. Yeah, I mean, it was a humbling. Bro, when you told me, I was like, wow, at least one guy got it that, you know, you have a dream. That dream right now gets put on hold. Right now, you got to feed your family. Straight up. A prince used to clean offices, you know that? Prince

would clean offices and with the money, he used it at studio time. Prince, dog. This is it. This is do or die. You know, I know people are hurting. I know that everybody's waiting for that check. For some people, that check, they're never going to come.

Some years got it, you know. I filled out the form four times, and it's rejected me four times. Yeah, you know. Unemployment, people are waiting. Some people have had success. I'm not here to be a doom. I told you a long time ago to get yourself a little side gig. Sometimes if you're busy, just keep your mind off.

Yes. It's not even about the money. Yeah. And you know what else too is I'm Mexican, but I'm like third generation. My dad was born here, my grandpa, and I was. Okay. And I work with OG immigrant Mexicans right now. And I forgot how dope my people are from my native land dog.

when you work with an immigrant I showed up to work one day with no lunch and this fool was like doesn't your lady love you me like what the fuck? You came with no lunch you know me I had a six pack and I'm taking this as a party dog I got side dick Eddie working with me

we take two beers in our pocket every time we go clean a restroom boom pound it wash our hands wash our face boom go right back out and this spice I had his wife make me lunch dog how dope is that and you know I broke it down psychologically I was like damn this full woke his lady up in the morning it was like nah you got to make one more for george nice yeah and uh I kind of like how like I'm I'm informed about the COVID dog like I talked to inspectors and they tell me like hey you know what you're spraying on there do you

know why we're doing this shit. And whether it being manmade or hoax or anything, the state of California is not fucking around. Yesterday, I cleaned an old, we cleaned a courthouse that's going to get demolished. But they're scared that the corona lived in there.

And then when they demolition the building, it's going to spread and hit people. Do you save any of those chemicals and bring them home? Yeah, I fucking spray everything. I spray the cats. I spray killer. Tell him, Joey. We ain't fucking around. You know what I'm saying?

Yeah. We spray everything. Everything gets clean. My fucking office is spotless. I can tell. I wipe down the fucking the computer now. This is the new modern, you know. This is the new thing.

But no, I admire you that the strip club closed down. The brain improv closed down. They raided my strip club. And they were there. Yeah, we were there. find? Did he get fined? No. So what happened is, is they came by and they gave everybody a letter.

Hey, check it out. If you are not in between these guidelines of social distancing, like 10 customers max, six feet apart, and my boss don't fuck around. She gave all the strippers mask. All the strippers had

the gloves on. They had like a little zip lock bag that they put their money in so it wouldn't touch the purse or get anything getting infected and you were getting hand sanitized before you got a lap dance both of you guys would get hand sanitized and they just came in the sheriffs they didn't draw their guns but they came in with the warrant they're like like old school dog everybody get the fuck out everybody just left and then they sat us down they said hey man if we come back it's a thousand dollar fine right

it's a thousand dollars but there was a club that stayed open did you see that it came out on the news Club Bliss. Yeah, it stayed open. Joey, they were doing fever checks on people outside. That's some shit. But I'll tell you, the sad part, man, is these girls are crying on the way out. Like, honestly, what is the stripper going to do right now, Joey?

Deliver weed. Yeah? Yeah, because need deliveries are up. We, right now, all dispensaries are illegally open. Like, if you go on weedmabs.com and look that they're really medicinal matter. Their delivery services have gone up dramatically. Nobody goes out.

Let's take urban trees where I go. Okay. Their sales right now are 955. Five percent of their sales is walk up. The safest place right now in L.A. is urban trees. Okay. You can walk in there. I go in there with a mask.

They give you gloves. They're outside. The door is open. No way. That's why I go to the urban trees because the door is open. I'm not going anywhere with this fresh air. Yeah. I have always been a fucking nag about that.

I get a claustrophobic. I get whatever. I see you in a car. You roll the window down every time. Every time. Let's get some air down. It's January. Let's get some air down.

Let's get some air in this car. You're breathing. I'm breathing. What the fuck are we doing? Yeah. This is 2020. Is the mass killing you? 20,000 people.

The mass is killing me, Doug. When I work out in my backyard, I don't use a mask, but you got to walk. You really got to walk a couple days a week. You got to walk a little bit every day. And I was walking, and I was doing fine. Oh, my God. I had to walk with a mask. Woo!

Different fucking ballpark. Yeah, dog. I had to stop a couple times and make believe I was stretching. But I was really trying to get my life together. Like, I was about to die. You try to walk, like, up a hills. I walked, like, you know, I walked down. the riverside.

I walked with, you know, and I try to walk off the beaten path. I don't want to walk where I'm walking behind people. Yeah. So to do that, you have to do it early. Because people start to go out around here about three. Once they've done all their work and their kids are done with homeschooling. So three o'clock in this area, the streets are packed.

So you're breathing with everybody else is breathing. Yeah, fuck that. It raises your potential. So what I do is I do something with her early. I bring her back. And then I have time to do it. So I usually take the car park and go somewhere and walk. Okay.

To an unpopular. I'm not going to go to a park. No way. I would love to go to that park. By no-ho, I would love to go to a bunch of parks with every one of them. I've driven to every one of them. Beeman, as a path, they're all out there. And I can't blame them.

the obvious choice. When you're drunk, you drive on fountain. Yeah. Right? When you're drunk, you drive on fountain. Fuck sunset. So this, right. So this is the same thing here. People are going to parks. So if you don't want to walk around that. And then small neighborhoods, people start coming on around 3.3.30 and walking, and then you bump into people and it's okay. I found parking lots where I take my daughter and she just spins around. I'm just trying to burn her up. bro. Yeah.

So when I first take her out in the morning, it's with a scooter, then I switch it up to the bicycle, and then about 3.30, I pull her out again. Instead of sitting there listening to the news, let's get the last little bit of the sun. And then in between that, I tried to take a walk. I was doing fine until I tried to start walking with a mask. And that was fucking crazy, bro.

So the last three walks I've taken, I've been with a mask, and they've been rough. rough where I had a pee and shit like I was getting anxiety rough I couldn't breathe yeah it's a new obstacle so I'm gonna try it every other day just to walk a little bit yeah I feel weird wearing the mask and the gloves because dog tell me this doesn't remind you

I don't know about you but I did some bad things in life and I used to fucking rob people are break into a house and this is this is the feel Lee this is it like right now I can do something get away with it Like, hey, dog, there's no fingerprints. I got this shit on. You can't see me really. Like, does it actually, like, make you feel like that? Do you get adrenaline or something?

Yeah, I get anxiety. You feel creepy. I even tell people, Adal, get away. You might get took right now. I put gloves on one day. I felt creepy. The night I tried to rob. I tried to rob a bookmaker one night.

And I would wear those gloves under a pair of OJ gloves. Oh, shit. One of OJ killed Nicola. I had a pair of those, not the French, the fancy ones. Yeah. But that style. I know what you mean. It was 1983.

It's like a chauffeur kind of that they're fitted. It was February. It was still cold in Jersey. I wanted to rob this bookmaker. So I put a pair of those gloves underneath. I had a screwdriver, had a weapon, and I had a pair of OJ gloves. And I had a run. I ended up getting caught.

I didn't get caught. I got, the cops came before I could break the seal on the window. Until this day, I have a scar on my right hand. But they told me I was going to lose the movement of my finger. The reason why this was so tough was because the barbed wire got caught and it ripped the glove and the other glove got caught together. Yeah. You have no idea that the pain I had.

And I did it all with cocaine and booze. I made it a whole fucking day before going to the hospital. I took this glove off. I was walking around like Michael Jackson for a day. I would just walk around with a glove on. And the glove was drenched from the blood. So whenever I would put the glove down, I would take my glove up and there would be a mist of blood.

Where I slept, there was a fingerprint of blood. Like it was like a guy slept there And they cut his hand off I think you hated blood Why are you waiting a day to go to the doctor? Because I fucking couldn't even imagine Going to the doctor The glove was black

So it didn't tell the picture of blood So it didn't let me faint Yes So the whole night in the bar I went there and I was bleeding But I was drinking This is just to show you Is this in New Jersey?

Yes this is just So when people go Look at those assholes In Florida then I're out with man this is our time we go to, that would have been me. I was told a friend of mine the other than he goes and he thinks that

it's easier for the kids today to stay home because they've been staying home because of the computer age and games and technology he goes that this would have happened when we were growing up it would have never worked. No. It would have never worked because we were so addicted to being out.

It would have never worked. Right now as it was, and my home, I heard they closed the park and people kept jumping the fence and playing basketball. So they took the rims down. People kept jumping the fence and playing basketball against the backboard. And then they had to come in and take the backboards down. Wow. Like, but this is what people do.

They want to get out. They want to jump. So you're caught in this fucking realm of do you stay in? How much do you push the envelope? You know, and that's what I'm just trying to do, because I'm right there. So I'm just trying to keep it light for right now. Yeah. I don't give a fuck one day open.

I have my own agenda. I'm not going on the road. So I got my dates. I already know how I'm going to do them. You know, I think they're going to cancel Cleveland and, uh, uh, in Indianapolis, June 21st and 20. Oh, shit. Miami just got canceled with Kim Condom.

Okay. Miami's, it's, isn't that like... May 15th, Miami was done. We were supposed to be in Addison and... Right, that got pushed to January. Oh, fuck it. Somebody asked me on refunds yesterday. I told him that, I think Ticketmaster said no more refunds.

So they pushed the Opaso date to January. Who knows what's going to be happening in January? Who knows if Texas is going to have a quarantine? So that means we got to go there two weeks. weeks before the fucking show, you know, who knows what the restrictions are going to be. All you could do right now. All I know I got on the books is July 31st in Las Vegas, and I don't expect it. I got August 1st in San Diego.

I don't expect it. I don't know what's going to happen in June and Brea. Yeah. June 4th through the 6th, it might be open, but we could only do 80 people per show. But is that going to be the rule? They're not going to open it up to Garcetti already said no thousands of more gathering. Yesterday in Huntington Beach? Yeah.

There was 500 people out, no masks, flags and shit, fuck you. They showed the one guy, COVID is alive, but he still had a main mask on. Yeah. And so he looked at Eddie Bravo. I thought it was any bravo. I guarantee it's any bravo down there. There's no such thing as COVID. If the mask doesn't fit, you must have quit.

But the mask don't fit, yeah. Listen. I see these numbers spiking. I see high area places not coming back for a while. New York and Boston is out of fucking control. That's crazy. And you know what it all was, Lee? What?

Juice. Fucking. I got a blend of juice for you. This is what I'm saying. In New York, I thought it was. the Jews. Right away, you got to point your fucking fingers at the Jews. Yeah. You want me to tell you why in New York and Boston are getting it so hard. It's not because, like, Florida is getting hit because of the knuckleheads.

And it's just a lot of old people. It's going through nursing homes. But you want me, like, I know two people for a fact of my hometown. Three of them got it. The mother died. The wife survived. Oh. They were all at a bar on St. Patty's Day. St. Patty's weekend was a killer. Remember, they didn't have it in LA. I don't think they had the...

No, they didn't have a parade in Boston. No, they didn't have a parade in New York and Boston. But people still got together. Yeah, sure, of course. People still got together. The Irish's fault, thank you. No, it wasn't the Irish's fault. Everybody who plays into that

fucking... Yeah, I'm Irish. Fucking... No, fake holiday. It's not... Listen, if you're Irish, you know that a glass of whiskey at home It's the same as having a glue. You know what I'm saying?

You live with your family. Yeah. That family-orientated clan anyway. You're with your family at the house. I think it was the outings that weekend. That was the weekend, Michael Yo got it. That was the weekend of the big explosion. Okay.

That was the weekend I was supposed to go to New York. I would have been there St. Batty's Day. It would have been fucked up right now if God would have known what would have happened. Well, speaking to what George said earlier, because I read an article. My mom used to live in a city in a town named Chelsea, which is like right outside of Boston. And she was saying like that, and I read the article that

that city is the biggest city in Boston. It has like rates like New York because it's a lower middle class neighborhood and more people that have to go to work. I'm sure the rates of this are worse. The urban areas again, it's so hard. And like Inglewood that it is in Beverly Hills. Black people or brown people.

No, go. people are going to work, you know, what people are going to pay bills, though. You got to put a mask on, Gene. Me? Yeah. We put some mask on. All right.

You know what, though? I'm kind of scared that on Cinco, that my own, my people ain't, they ain't going to stay home. I mean, if we do, I mean, they're not going to open up bars. Okay, there's not going to be bars open.

But I guarantee you, they're going to be at, the fucking park in the morning. They're going to be at the backyards, all that, whatever. If your dad owns property that no one's there, there's going to be a party.

Yeah. They mean Passover. What do the Jews do? Did you guys... They did it online. Online. Sators are a party. Saters and Sinkleda de Milder are the opposite. They're saying, I've got to give them a lot of respect for them.

That's what's up. You'll me tell you some. I watched a few of them. They were interesting. 12 Jews like A fucking Monopoly It was kind of nice It was kind of nice You know but

George I feel you And at this point Listen We've been educated Alita Either way You got a choice to make You could be safe

Or you could be sorry The rest is up to you I can't control what your actions are No I feel you And the government Can't control what your actions are either But I also want you Another consequences

I also want you know that from here on in, they're going to fucking, when you get that bill in the mail for that eight month stay, if you think that stimulus check is going to pay for that, you're fucking wrong. Those nurses are getting $128 a day.

So they're getting nurses are making good money in New York. That's what's going on in Syracuse and Albany and places like that. The nurses are leaving those hospitals and going to New York because they're paying a buck 28 a fucking hour.

Fuck face mask and whatever. 128 an hour times 8. That's a lot of fucking money. That could bring you back after a month. Yeah. There's a lot of things people don't know. You know, that's fucking crazy. What's Cuba doing?

Did Cuba get hit hard? I don't think so. Because, yeah, because socialist countries, no one goes in or out, right? Yeah. So I think an Italian brought it in on vacation, and they contained it, but I haven't heard much about it.

I spoke to my uncle the other day, and he said he hasn't spoken to my aunt in a few days. I had to call him my aunt because Greg Fitzsimmons was going to Cuba. I was going to hook him up in Cuba, and my aunt was going to try to just welcome him, pick up at the airport. Let him know what the good stuff at, or not to go to.

Yeah, I was going to get him a night at El La Factoria. I don't know if they'll let him go up. I don't know what the agenda is, a lafactoria. So that's the last time, I don't know. I don't really know the statistics in Cuba. How was Mexico? Mexico's bad, bro. Real bad.

Mexico, I heard that I spoke to a dear friend of mine chemo, who was at the show in Vegas. I spoke, I checked on them days later because they were on that way. Guns and roses are canceled all their shows except for Mexico City. Oh, shit. Like, that was the weirdest thing.

People were like, really, you can't for the whole tour, except Mexico City. And like, I guess guns and roses flew down, got on stage, and we're in planes within 30 minutes of the performance. Wow. Back to L.A. And, like, I guess a week later, Mexico City got robbed, you know, just killed by the fucking shitstorms. Yeah. I don't know what's going on there. It's so bad in Mexico that the president.

shut down alcohol sales because people were always going to bars going out to get a beer he shut down alcohol sales so everybody just loaded the fuck up to get alcohol and come on dog there's no money out there for like hospitals and anybody doing bad it's you know who's hopping out Mexico right now man the cartels the cartels that run that area they're out there and And even on the package, you know how, like, the Red Cross will give you a box. Mexico, and I seen a, I didn't see it in person, but I seen it on the internet where the Sinaloa cartel that one from Narcos, the badass motherfuckers, they're all bad. I'm not saying, but like, they were giving boxes to everybody.

Just like, hey, you know what? The government says they protect you and they help you all that. Nah, we take care of you guys. Because it's a territorial thing with them. You know what I mean? Take care of us. and you see anybody that doesn't belong, you're out of place, just holler at me.

That's really interesting. That's really interesting that the narcos are giving away. They got the money. Straight up. Did the mom do something during Thanksgiving? Everybody did something, but it was, Gen. Johnny had the fucking...

Turkeys. Fourth of July. It's funny if you read the book, The People would say, Sammy the Bull book. He goes, yeah, there'd be hundreds of people there. They're eating fucking hot dogs. They'd be puking them up knowing how he made that money that there was heroin money.

You know, that they were eating those hot dogs and burgers, you know. The black dude, the one that taught, what's his name? Pompey Johnson. Pompey Johnson. He was, he gave out Turkey. Then, you know, Brown stole. Exactly. No Jack City and all that.

But what were we talking about like that? How the cartels are happening out of that? Yeah, this is, this is a... Well, like, what do you guys think about, like, there's cultures, like, you're, like, Spanish culture and black culture, like, there's a lot of cultures that, like, live on hugs and, like,

a lot of... Oh, yeah, that's... Do you think that's gonna, like... We adjust it, dog. At the end of the day, we adjust it. But do you think you're gonna, like, is it going to be, like, well, when this is over, too? This is, like, going to church. Just because you go to church, just because you don't put a video up of you,

pizza to a fucking hospital just because you don't do these things doesn't mean I'll help not your community. It's like I'm a big mask guy. I went and bought two boxes of a fucking mask and I went and knocked on my doors and my neighbors who needed a

fucking mask. That's what I saw. You know, I saw a chick running the other day with no mask. I pulled up next to her and I just put a mask out the window, you know? Yeah. I mean, it's the same thing. It's the same thing with as long as you're doing something nice on on a daily basis.

My wife dropped off some clothes and shit. I saw these people. They opened up a homeless thing for men, right here in the dirty side of North Hollywood. So they needed sweatpants. So I had a bunch of sweatpants when I weighed 400 pounds. Fuck it. There's a bunch of skinny guys walking out with tents on right now.

With some old sacks in the pocket. Yeah, you got to do what you need to do. and the cartel, they're animals, they're savages, but they also come from a Spanish culture. Yeah. The hugs, the whatever, it's the same thing. I don't have to give you a big... You ever go out at night?

You ever go to like a black Kalami club? Mm-hmm. You know these two brothers hate each other, but they see each other in public and they see each other in public, and it's a big hug and everybody's happy. Oh, shit, oh, shit. What's the hug for? Yeah.

What's the bullshit? Straight up. So this is going to cut out a lot of bullshit. You don't need to hug me. You know, you don't need to hug me. Right now, we live in a society way. We need a hug, but unless you got a wife or a girlfriend, you ain't going to get one. You know what I'm saying?

Unless moms are on and you a mom are fucking, you know, you want to do something nice? Go to one of those old folks home. Knock on the glass and show them your dick and run away. I thought about doing that. Just seeing some old guy. How did you know from hugs? doing that? Because it's like why I ran over the

Colts. At least I had to have a little entertainment to my life. You know what I'm saying? Just because you fucking, just because there's a quarantine, doesn't mean you still can't have fun. Oh, hell, I have mad for you. I was telling. Did I tell this story on the podcast? I was telling you before the

podcast about me, fucking the walls closing down on me about a week ago. And I fucking call Lee and I go, what are you doing? He's like, I'm about to do the Twitch. I go, before you do the Twitch, hold on. I put my pants on, I ran to the weed store, and I bought three containers of that juju juice, the fucking, uh, the quickies,

quick Z. I bought three of them, and I ran over to Lee's house, and I drank one, and Lee drank one. Lee was making faces. Fuck you. Oh, I was already high at that point. So on the way home, that shit must have hit me. Yeah.

That shit must have hit me because it hits you. It's a body, body high, right? It hits you right away. It's liquid, I think. to liquid so it hits you right away. It's got 100 milligrams. It's not a lot of milligrams, but with the quick ease I take is for sleep.

It does put, bro, I woke up a fucking 10 to 9 this morning. I drank two of those things last night. It slept like a baby. So I drank one. I gave Lee one. I watched Lee drink his, and it must have hit me.

And I was driving down. Did I just tell this story? No, you told me earlier. Yeah, early. earlier and I'm driving down the street it's got to be 10 to 10 I'm minding my own business but let me go back when I was a kid my buddy had a funeral paula and he was a great kid we loved him to death but every morning at 8 o'clock he would put cones out just cones out in front of his property me and my friends would be snort and coke and every day we knew

at 8, between 8 and 8, 10, that's where the flower car comes. And they start loading the flowers up, and then they put the body in the basket, the long car. Saving the spot. So what they do is they would have two of those, one at 9 o'clock, and one at 11 o'clock. We had it timed. So it's in 1984. We would drink behind a coat factory. The cops couldn't fuck with us.

It was a coat factory, and we would snort Coke behind there. We were putting mirrors on top of hud's of cars. We'd be back there from four in the morning And at eight, you run out of beer And I had a friend Who would go, oops, we got to go take care of something And right before they were, the whole family Would be standing in front of a funeral parlor

My friend, who was like you, would be with his black suit Because you're on the funeral parlor And then my other buddy would run over the cones Right in front of him And my friend would just close his eyes And then later on he would see my friend And you go, what the fuck is wrong with you?

But we weren't from that. Just if we see a cone, you got to hit it. Just on principle. If you got a cone, I'm either going to hit it or I'm going to steal it. But I love like with this construction, I'm going to look sideways. Ask Lee, I've been with him coming back from the Bray Improv, and I'll hit three or four cones just for principal. I've always loved hitting cones.

One night one got stuck and everything. I love it. So there's a house And this guy owns it I guess I don't know who the guy is But he's got cones in his driveway And it's like him and the guy next to him Think they're cute

And they have cones in that driveway To let people know Like you can't make a U-turner Yeah, we don't want your traffic over there It does something to me It bothers me You're telling me that you're not part of a community Yep

So what if somebody turns that car around And your car How does it affect your fucking property value? How does it affect you? So every time I see those cones, when I'm in my wife, it burns me up inside. So already one night I was with Lee and I ran over them. I just saw him and I go, wait, look at this motherfucker fucking. And when you run over them, the ring goes on, the lights go on, it's hilarious.

And there's two sets of them. So you have to go in and out. Oh, yeah, there's two sets of them. So I go in and out and I bang them again. So at the end I'm driving home high. fuck that's what's I didn't even remember till the next day and dog I seen those cones out

there and then there's also a sign that says don't hit the cones boom I hit the sign too just out of principle I hooked the right I made a left on co-fight I was done home yeah surprised you even lit them on fire oh that's a good idea

see I don't I don't I've never lived in a neighborhood where like you could put cones That's dushy. Yeah. That's the duchiest fucking thing I've ever heard.

Yeah, like, I remember some of my neighbors would drive, because I, you've been in my neighborhood. Your neighborhood's fun. It would drive me nuts. I'm the white guy.

You have you have the music blasting at like two in the morning. I'm like two hours. Like in my neighborhood, they were trying to put the trash cans out to save parking spots. I hate that. And motherfuckers would just throw your trash on the floor.

Oh, yeah. It becomes a bigger mess. I'll run it over. When I lived up the corner here, people would do it. that they thought they were cute. Uh-huh. They'll put that garbage in front of your car.

Oh, that would be coming home in the comedy school. Oh, I got you. One in the morning? I'll take your garbage down. Next morning I wake up, they're out there sweeping that garbage. Hilarious. I caught havoc in this neighborhood. Yeah?

Remember there was a guy who was parking here you didn't like any of the pickup trucks? He just put, like, all your drinks for a year in the back. Oh, dog, I used to pour cat litter. The cat litter from my house with the cat shit. Uh-huh. I would pour it in the back. of his car. No way. And then we why? Because dog, you can't

park here. They would park there and go away on vacation. Oh, fuck that. So they would, see, the train connects over here. So what people would do is either they would park their car here that's free and then

take the train to Bear Bank Airport. Can you take a train to Burbank Air? It was a shuttle. So that's what they do. So a lot of these motherfuckers want to save our money. So they parked on this street during the holidays. Okay. So there was a black truck one time that no longer that he parked in front of my house,

but he took up two parking spots. Oh, that ain't right. That's a decent, that's a direct offensive. Straight fuck you. That's straight fuck you. So I sat there for three days and I figured out what I could do. So I looked at them. I looked at the...

Are you meditated? Oh, I meditated on it. Because this is going to be slow torture. want this to be a slow Houdini type torture. So I Houdini this motherfucker from A to Z. This is going to be Jan Michael Vincent. Did you see the professional? Yes.

Did you see it this recently? No, I see the one, the old one, right? The one with the chick and the little guy. The little girl and that guy? And the guy. Yeah, the guy from a fucking Godzilla. Have you seen it? I've seen it with you, yeah.

That shit is hard. You know, like pieces of them. I don't think I'm more. They kill the mom, right? They kill the mom, the family. Yes. But at the end, he kills the whole building. And as he's walking out, the cop, he's one of the best actors in the game right now.

I forget, look up the professional. Tell me who's in it. Please, sir, when you have a minute. Hey, I can imagine your brain just... Is it called the professional or is it something else? The profession. It's called the professional. It's a shame.

We're supposed to do fucking the... comedy store tonight. I know. I was excited to come out. John Reno? Huh? Gene Reno, Gary Oldman. Gary Oldman plays the cop in that movie. And he steals the fucking show. But I don't know if you don't remember how that movie ends.

Gary Oman kills that little girl's family. Yeah. Because he said there was heroin missing. There were a heroin family. So at the end, when he's walking out, and don't tell me, spoiler alert, bitches. The movie's 20 years old. Yeah. If you haven't seen it, go fuck yourself.

Fucking dummies. Why are you spoiling alert? I've never seen it. We'll go fuck yourself. It's 20 years old. By now... It's older than that. Yeah, so...

At the end of that, he goes in, Gary Oldham, and he spots the professional dressed as a cop. He sneaks out like Hannibal Lecter snick. Yeah. He switched costumes with the cop. And he noticed him because he took his mask off to breathe. And then the professional walks out the beach. building and Gary Oldham shoots him in the back of the head and then when the professional's laying

there he's like this and he looks up and Gary Oldham stands over him and fucking the professional puts his hand up and just take this this is for Alina because he was in Italian he had a heavy accent and Gary Olden doesn't know what it is he takes his hand and he looks at it and it's just a ring with a thing and then he figures out this is is a lynchpin. And he opens up the guy's jacket and there's grenades. And he blows that's how the movie ends. It's tremendous.

They stole it from the mechanic 1973. Yeah? Jan Michael Vincent. Yes, same move. Jan Michael gets into the car and there's a note from Charles Bronson. If we got back here and you're in my car is because you killed me.

I said of fulfillment, this car is going to blow up in 20 seconds. And as he's going to call blows up and the movie ends. That's Bob. Because he kills Charles Bronson and Italy. So it's the same thing. What are we talking about? I'm not exactly sure to be honest.

We were talking about how you were thinking from A to Z had to sabotage this guy's truck for taking both spots. I'm into this, Doc. So I said, fuck, this has to be a slow torture. Yeah. So number one, I'm going to start with just garbage. He parked it like December 23rd. So I knew he wasn't going to come back until January 4th.

Yeah. So I had to give him a surprises. Plus, he had to take a surprise to go. Okay? He needed to take a surprise to go. So what I did was I fucking filled it up with garbage first. I started emptying the trash can? No, no, no, because I don't want evidence.

There's receipts and shit. Okay, okay. I would hit him with like a soda from, a diet soda from... A banana peel. Whatever I went to 7-11, I'd get a... fucking a protein bar I would throw the fucking rap in the back with his car

if I took my daughter to McDonald's and she was a baby I would draw the trash out I put in the back seat later on that night I'd draw him the truck on his car that went for about 10 days it was filled with trash so now I didn't know if he was

coming back for New Year's so I had to work my magic like on the 29 so I started just emptying out litter I would get home at night about one in the morning I would empty I had three cat littered the box. I got three two. I got three cats. Filled with shit. Doesn't the mone the smell on that? Oh, I just

kept putting them back there. Putting them back there. Putting them back there. So then I wanted to make sure he's not coming back on the 30th. When I saw he was still down the 31st, I took the guts out of the one tire, the one on the inside. So he has to figure out

how to get a jack in there and really work it. And they don't even know they have a flat. Yeah. They don't know that the inside tire. I take the gut. I take the gut. I take the gut out. Oh, okay. I have that piece it takes the gut out. I know what you mean now. The air goes, shh. Yeah. And you put that back in. So they think they

have a flat. You just took the gut out and added out. So now I have to do a three-phrase prong. I want him to fix the flat and think he's good. He's out of it. Now all he has to do is dump the fucking trash.

Trash. Uh-uh. I figured out how I'd open up his gas cat. And I put like 20 little balls of saran wrap in there. Like six inch sarand wrap balls. That means within a week, once he got rid of the trash, and once he fixed the bike,

the tire, now the car was going to start the store. But at weird times, because once the air, his truck was that old, but it probably still had a carburetor or something. So once it gets warm in the car and the gas gets warm,

cellophane expands. So it starts covering spots. Oh, yeah. So something's going to jam up. One minute you're on the 405, and all of a sudden your car stops. You get hit by 10 cars and shit like this. This is how the old school is.

This guy just went to the airport. Yeah. What the fuck you think you're dealing with? What the fucking think you're dealing with? These are all the teachings of Fred. I can't say his last name. I got you. Fred used to feel that why hit somebody,

hit somebody when you put maple syrup in somebody's gas can't why do you that because maple syrup

takes the gasoline and turns it into a fucking nightmare so what happens is after about three days your car starts

to stall they take it to the fucking thing they pull off the engine they can't figure out why your car is stall it even whatever thinks about

the maple syrup no maple syrup and fucking saran wrap and you get gas tank. Within a week, you'll see him fucking with a broken arm. I don't know what happened.

I was driving down the street, my car stole. Like in Kingpin, we're earning a crack and put sugar in the tank. Yeah, you put sugar in your gas tank. Yeah, that's where all that shit comes from. You just seize up an engine. You just seize up the engine. It was so popular when I was growing up. What was the craziest shit you threw in the trunk, in the back of the truck, though?

The craziest thing I think I have, One of the funniest... I am very fortunate like you, George. Fortunate in the sense that God took us off the street for a while and put us back on to show us with the realities of life. You and I both know that we could have fell into the system. Yeah. I'm been in there right now scratching with COVID.

You're ready to die. If you're in prison right now, you're dead. You might as well sign your obituary. There's riots in every prison. If you're in prison listening right now, you're dead. I'm sorry to tell you. you shouldn't have stole the holes you should have killed the fucking witness

you're fucked up you're dying it's all over you don't even need the electric chair if you got a nonviolent crime you might get out there's always a way but if you got a violent crime you're going to sit there to your ass grow roots but

what was I going to say? I don't know you were telling me how we're lucky to be off the streets the craziest thing you did and the craziest thing you did you put in someone's trunk car for parking in the front.

In 1986. I got a job at a place that I fucking... It was really hard. I was trying to get a second chance at life and this job was presented to me. The problem was it was the opening scale of the job and it was probably basically working for free. I enjoyed the job so much.

I was a shagger at a body shop. And I enjoyed the job because eventually you graduated into becoming a detailer. And you went from working 60 hours and getting $200 a week. For 60 hours? Oh, my God, to working 60 hours and making $1,500 a week. Oh. That was a reality in 1987, 86 in my world. How much is, what's that equivalence to what is now?

Oh, my God. That's mad money, right? Yeah. That's like rent everything. Yeah, these guys were detailing new cars. I forget what they were getting, and they were a piece of cake. You could do 10 of those in the deck. Wow.

They were getting like $50 per those, and all you have to do is take the carsmoline off, which is the chemical they put on the car when it comes on the ship, a protective coating. Yeah, yeah, and exactly what you mean. Exactly. Put the mats in. No, no one. Put the mats in it. Put the windshield wipers on.

It's not more of a wash. It's more of a prep. So that's all it was. It took you an hour, 45 minutes. Once you knew how to do it, you just, I would do two at a time when I got good at them. I would pull two in. It's break them both.

It's both the same time. The chemical has to stay on there to break the cosmoline. And I would just wait, hose them down, dry them up. put the windshield wipers on, take the mats out of the back seat, sometimes you have to put the rim coverings. Yep, I don't what you mean. Put armory all on the wheels,

put some armor all around the fucking thing, dope it up. Boom! I could do 10 of those a day. Use cars with two and a half hours. Why? Because they take time they use cars. You've got a cue tip.

Oh, yeah, you're right. I got you now. And back, you can throw armor on and do the windows. Oh, shit. But all those motherfuckers, I was getting in there at 6th of the morning. The key test for the AC? Yeah, for the AC and the fucking thing. I know all that shit.

I could detail a car at 140, 140, and we would split it 50-50 or something like that. It was great money. And that's where I met the dude that I kidnapped Vela with. He installed stereos and speakers there. He was an idiot in the back. But the point of the story was, when I got the job there, you would get promoted to be a detailer

depending on how hard you work I ate those other shaggers alive Yeah Like I ate them alive That's what you call the shagger I ate them alive They couldn't even walk You know you had to be there at seven

I was there at six And I was snorting coke that Yeah, I was gonna say Not a lot of coke Because I was flat broke But I had nowhere else to do And nothing to be I was there at six

You were working to get some coke too I was getting that job And my girlfriend would pick me up at fucking 6 o'clock. The only thing enjoyable about that job was the burrito lady. She came at 10 o'clock and she made these green chili with mashed potato, burritos, breakfasts, with eggs wrapped in aluminum foil. They were this big. I'd buy like eight of those motherfuckers.

She had me on the credit program where you buy on Friday. And then there was a team. The Baltimore Colts were then. And their father, there were two brothers that played for the Baltimore coach. Kevin Call and another guy, C.A.L. One of them was a badass. He was an offensive lineman that had a cover like the dude against the Jets. And back in the 80s, all those defensive linemen, this guy fucking covered. Kevin Call. His father had the Roach Coach. So I would buy, I would sell the father stolen cigarettes. I had a place that I could steal cartons, the cigarette. from. And I would go in there and take like 10 cars and cigarettes, give it to Mr.

Cole. He would give me credit. They were more expensive in the East Coast, too, right? Cigarettes? No, this is Colorado. Oh, okay. This is Colorado, gee. Oh, shit. So I would sell them to Mr. Call. But let's get to the basics of this.

This place where I worked at, I finally got promoted, and I finally became a detail. And once I became a detail, I put the same passion into detailing. into being a detailer because I had never made this type of money before unless I was slicking coke money makes you I went in there to fucking work jack I kept that job for like seven months six months and I fucking was there at all times fucking that was became my life it got me closed like I was in a hole Yeah. And you're like, if there's a time to work, it's now. Exactly.

I'm not doing anything else in my life. So I just went down. And I started picking up those $500 checks. And I was getting fucking, you know, I was getting flushing. How old were you? It was 1987. So I was 24 years. It was 86.

So you was like flits, I mean, fit, slim. Yes. 86. Like how was your dress back then, Joie? My dress back then. Leather of jeans. White sneakers. Nothing has changed.

From the white, it was probably white commerce, jeans, white t-shirt, gold chain, no leather in Colorado. No? Why not? You would scare white people.

Because, yeah. What's the reason? That's East Coast shit. Oh, Colorado would snow too much to wear leather. You just stuck out like a saw thumb.

I remember when I moved to L.A., you know how many people I scared with that leather jacket? No. West Coast people, they can't handle it. I used to wear a leather jacket. I used to go to news radio shootings when Joe Rogan was on news radio. Okay. And Joe Rogan would come up to me later on and go, dog, you're scaring these white people?

I go, how do you know? And he goes, because they're talking about it. Who's that scary guy with the leather jacket on? It scares white people. Once you're out of, once you're west of the Mississippi, you got loose the fucking leather jacket. Yeah, what a trip. Yeah, it scares white people. Yeah.

It gives them, like, you know, it's not something, how many people you see with leather jackets? And if they do wear leather jackets, they're kind of stylish in LaSaint. Yeah, yeah, exactly. But this fucking place, after like three months, like when I first got in as a detailer, I wasn't really one of them.

They were shitting on me because I was a shagger. Like an apprentice kind of. Yeah, but now when I was one of them, they would still bust my balls. They would still bust my ball from time to time. and now I had a different boss. And the guy encountered this guy called Dirk Johnson

or Dirk Jordan. Dirk Johnson. And he had his own crew. So there was eight detailers, but five of them were in his crew. Oh, there was a click. Yeah, it was a click. They would always get the preemie cars.

And the other three dudes would get whatever the fuck we got when we got it. That's why I started going to six. Yeah, to get the early start. So I would get there and pull two new ones to guarantee my first 100 for the day. So by the time he got in, I had already made $100. Okay? I already was at $500 for the week.

And I had overtime there. There was overtime there. So it was just so weird that I was a cocaine dude. Not every night then because I didn't have the money. And I knew I had gotten a second chance and I had to pay a. bunch of bills off. So I was such a hard worker there that they

kind of got mad at me, George. I know what you mean. Like the other guys looked down at it. Yeah, like, hey, you're making me look bad. Really, dog? You're going to come in at six, you know? What the fuck? You can't come at at seven. And then they got mad because I was coming at six and picking up the juicy stuff. Well, the place opens a four. Beat me out.

Yeah. Beat me out, bitch. Get here at five. People got places to go. Nobody did that shit. So they kept complaining to to Dirk Jordan Dirk Johnson Whatever his name was And now Dirk started riding me

But I had a friend and the partner The owner of that place Turned into a friend And the guy that was in charge of service Turned into a friend So I went to them and I'm like This guy's riding me Get him off me

Because the one guy was from New York I said get him off me Because I'm gonna knock him the fuck out Yeah This guy's confused And every morning Dirk could go, the next time you come here before me and get authorization, this is a nice, one day I just grabbed him, I go, stay right there. I want it in the back, and I got the hole, and I go, come here

for a second. He was like, what's going on, Joe? You go, tell him what you just told me? Tell him. And he's like, well, if he comes here at six, he goes, hey, why come from the early bird gets the worm? Sorry, so Dirk had egg on his face. So now Dirk would let me steal those two cars in the morning and then he would give me cars from like 1952 to make me put him back to life so I'd have to spend an extra hour there so I got hip to him so then him and like two other little white dudes would make

little remarks in me from time to time you know what I'm saying so I knew my friends were there well they say like your armor all sucks like something what they would say something to me well you're not staying late tonight oh I got you and I would my girlfriend would make me lunch in those days and I would eat lunch at 12

I would eat at five I could live off a breakfast burrito Straight up Because I would buy like two or three breakfast burritos And I would be eating them while I worked I didn't want to take a lunch They would take an hour of lunch Fuck that worked through my lunch

And then at five I would eat lunch And they would make little remarks to me But I had already made 300 for the day Once I ate once I made 300 Then you eat But until you make 300 There ain't no eat

That was a discipline in my head that was it even when I was fucked up I wasn't that fucked up don't ever get me wrong well you're a hustler I was still a hustler

so this dude kept riding me one day I went in there five in the morning and what do I see I see a dead rat on the floor he got caught by a trap

and I hate motherfucking dead rats so I'm washed I said oh fuck I got an idea I took the whole trap against my best wishes

I got like a glove and a towel and I carry that motherfucker and I hit him behind the garbage and the dude came in his name was Dirk whatever Dirk Jordan, Dirk Johnson, I don't know what's... D.J.

Whatever his fucking name is these fucking hearing aids make my ears itchy as fuck, you know that? Yeah, I can tell that's all good brother. You got those and the headphones, that's itchy. Oh my God. So

So the mouse, the rats behind the trash can. This fucking rat had to be five inches, and the click had caught him, like in half, so he was halfway in, and you could see his teeth and shit. Oh, my fuck, how am I going to do this? So I hit him behind the

garbage can, and this fucking dude, Dirk came in with his two little captains, and they made whatever remarks they wanted to. And he hung his jacket up. Like, I had the rat hitting over here, and he hung his jacket up right over there.

And I'm like, dog, this guy don't know. So little by little, I got the courage up. And I put my foot down on the trap. And I picked up the fucking thing, and he was dead. Yeah. So I kicked him out of the trap, and the rat fell from now. They got like a paper towel. And at lunchtime, when nobody was watching, I took the rat by the tail,

and I put in his jacket pocket. Oh, shit. And I covered the jacket pocket. And I kept working at 5 o'clock. I took my lunch and shit. And then I fucking, that night my girlfriend picked me up at the time, and I went home and I forgot all about Dirk. The next morning I go in at six, you know, me, I get my two new cars.

I'm trying to make my hustle on. And all of a sudden I hear a car. We're working. It's on. The body shop is on. Yeah, music is on. People are fucking getting work orders. People are dropping off cars.

tow trucks are pulling up the burrito ladies there and all of a sudden Derek Jordan fucking pulls up and his car is all dented like he had an accident and shit right like it was all fucked up you can hear it going and he walked in furious like okay who the fuck did this

he goes I went to reach in my pocket for a cigarette and I took out of rat and I crashed my car and you know me Doug I just sat there just It's marinated by a little car laughing inside. And he knew he was me. Oh, shit.

And him and his boys were going to try to get me, but it was too late. I had already been transferred to Bill Kraut Subaru as a fucking salesman. So suck my dick and call me, shorthy. I was born in 1940. You know what I'm saying? Oh, shit. That was good. Hey, speaking of mouses and rats, you got cats.

And my cats are inside cats. And like they go outside now to say like to let the other cats know, what's so bitch? We live here too. This is our area. But lately these fuckers have been like killing gophers and mice and like bringing them to my window like just to show me. Like what's up?

What's up? This morning one of the gophers outsmarted these motherfuckers. He played the best dead I've ever seen, Joey. Like he had one arm here. The tail, like the cats took his tail off. Huh? But they... Like, they tested them.

Like, I was tripping out. So... George, you can't let your cats out now. Dog, they get out on their own. No, you can't let them out now, especially they... It's with this... ...home a bat and you're done. Hey, I went to move the gopher to check out if it was, like, really, like,

because, like, I could see it. was like, yo, dog, this fool was like holding his breath in. Like, he, he was waiting for, for a move. Now, how did the cat by his tail up? Because they're crazy. He didn't make a move to go for? That's how, I didn't see him get his tail bit off, but the tail was not there, and it was laying next to him.

And like, he was playing dead because my cat was trying to play with it. Once I go, baby. My cat's name is baby. It was baby and Rick James. They terrorized. these things. And I was like, come here. And, like, I shook their food.

And they walked over there. That fool jumped up, dog. I swear, grabbed his jail. And that fool took off, went in the dirt. And I was like, oh, my God. God's a fucking scary. You can't let you cut out now, no, George. They get out on their own.

Yeah, I don't give a fuck. You know what? Put them in fucking Canary Island. They won't get out. Can you imagine how lucky we that were not locked up now, George? What a different time period is. It's great. That's great.

You know what? Speaking of locked up in your shirt, you know what that sweater that reminds me of? And I just seen the show. And I wanted to ask you about it because I don't think I was old enough, but the Waco shooting. Have you seen that on Netflix? No. I know. You lived it.

This week is two anniversaries that are big for me. Today is the anniversary of the 40th anniversary of the Mario Harbor when Cuba opened up. It's today? When my mom died, she was six months away. My mom would have lasted six months. My mom would have picked up her daughter in Cuba. Wow. That was the plan?

They didn't know. They didn't know. All that disruption was going on. Fidel took over, right? Fidel had took it over. He had had the island since fucking 1950. Nine. But then he sent everybody.

What happened was there was little, Cuba was going through hard economic times. The Russians had pulled out. The Cubans were out of money. People were starving. So people started invading little embassies, and they would get thrown back into the society, and they would get shot. And the embassies finally took notice.

this is fucking crazy. So they said anybody who wants to leave Cuba, show up here at 7 o' morning. Fucking 2,000 people showed up and kicked the gates down. Damn. They went to war for a couple days with the Cuban army. They had to get, like, the security from the embassy. I had to go to war with the Cuban police.

This is crazy. So this went on. So finally, but the disruptions were starting already when my mother was still alive. like you were hearing disruptions of you already. They were trying to overcome. They were really trying to get the blackmail out that America was bad.

And meanwhile, we'll fucking start. Like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a second. Like, I just got six eggs for my family for the month. And how is America bad? Real talk. And then they started saying, so send us money. So if you sent your family, 500 bucks

the Cuban government would only give you $125. Damn. The rest of the Cuban government would take. So all that unrest started when my mother was alive. I remember hearing all about it. It's so weird.

Didn't he take Sheila Easton's house too or something like that? Celia Cruz. Selea. Kruheel. My best. Sheila Easton is from fucking San Francisco somewhere. But that was all 59. Okay.

This is, we're talking about about 75 now. Okay. Once Russia realized that what's the only thing, Cuba can't do nothing for you except give you your sugar. Yeah, they're not going to bust a grape. That's it.

They got no money. So Russians pulled out with financing, things want to sour. That's why Fidel had to go into the narco traffic hunting business. Okay. And all these shows that they put about narco,

they throw the CIA under the, they throw everybody under, nobody has thrown Fidel. yet. You're so right. Until a show throws Fidel under, that's when I'm paying attention because that's when you did your homework. You know, once Cuba

was broke, Cuba went to the Colombians and said, hey. You want a new route? You want a new route? And how far is Cuba from Miami? 90 miles. How many? 90 miles. They were shipping the tons into Cuba, and then

they were breaking it up into delivery. So it was like, One on the hour. It looks like sugar ready. So it was like a million kilos were coming in, and then they were going on on 10 different boats with a million kilo on each boat. Wow. Boats got in, seven boats out of whatever got it.

That's great, seven out of ten. Seven out of ten. So Fidel was making money. I think Fidel was making $800,000 a ship. Fuck. Because years later, when Carlos lay dead testified to reduce his sentencing. He mentioned it. He spoke about it.

He goes, I remember giving him envelopes to his face. 800,000 a ship. That's what he negotiated. I'll send 10 ships out of day. If 10 get in, I get 8 million. If 6 get in, I get 4.2 million. You know, he just knew how to wrangle it in. They've never mentioned that.

They'll tell you about how the government in Mexico knew about the Sinalowans, how they were in, the president of Mexico, or Costa. They'll tell you all that stuff. They'll tell you how whoever shot President Kennedy, but they still won't release the Castro, communism. Do you think it's because America was kind of in on it?

Like the people here? Listen, we found that we went on the Iran-Contra Stand. We were trading weapons for drugs and cash. Weren't we with the Sandinistas? I don't... Yeah, if you watch Narcos, all that shit is true. Oh, yeah, you're right. Yeah, all that shit is true. Then what's the guy, the white dude went in front of Congress,

and he got thrown under the bus for giving the CIA. I don't know. I don't know the whole fucking breakdown of everything. I'm just telling you that, you know. These are the realities that you find out later on that they tell you. So who the fuck knows? So what else are you going to do for 420? What do you got cooking tonight on Monday night?

Well, you know, I'm so glad. We got no show. We got nothing. I'm doing your podcast. Monday morning and then tonight. Well, you do it. It's Monday morning now. Yeah.

I'm gonna, I got my own podcast going on. I got like about four or five people that live in my house. And we all, before we podcast, we all take that fucking shower. We do a lice-all inspection on each other. Oil, local wipes to the hands, clean the table off with the cleaning supplies from work. And we're going to have a little 420 podcast. You know what I mean? Okay.

I am thinking about because there's a stripper that works with me and she's just like, yo, man. That's six people, so they're going to get shut down. You're going to get a thousand hours. We'll kick side dick Eddie out. Yeah. You know, listen, guys, I'm going to be honest with you. I got a lot of fucking people who are pissed off at me.

They were pissed, you know. Why? Because you were coughing and they didn't know what the fuck was going. on and they were concerned so I thought about stopping the podcast for a while and then I figured what good would I do

at the time that you need you know comedy and humor and just a little fucking inspiration what a time to close so I decided to do everything but Lee can't do dick which he won't do he's been on quarantine for two years and you know

I put the guests I put the guests on that, you know, I think are pretty clean. So I don't want to get you infected. I don't want to get infected and I want it. But I always wanted to put content out. I don't care if I got to come here and put a ukulele by myself once a week for an hour. Straight up.

I will come here and give you some type of content to think about to take your mind off what's going on right now. Straight up. It's 420. Again, we can't even smoke a joint like human beings because this is the future now. It's all edible. Thank God I ate my edibles. How'd that edible hit you, Lee? It's kicking pretty good.

He had the mask over his eyes. Oh, yeah. He's a beauty. This is the real dear holy feel. Hey, doesn't he look like a weird ninja? I do. He feels like a weird ninja. He's had a rough couple weeks, though.

The other day, I gave him garlic pills. I gave him had to booze. He thought he was down for one day. He had been down for a day and a half. Yeah. That's how bad it was. Have you ever had cilantro pills? That's what I'll give him next.

Garlic pills almost fucking killed them. It cleaned out of the system. You ever take so many shit that, like, three in the morning, you have to take a shower? Yeah. I did that twice. Two nights in the world because of those pills. That's how good the garlic is. Oh, my God.

I do that every fucking day, twice a day. You ever had? Especially now during this quarantine. You can't do shit. No. This is going to build your fucking immune system. Yeah, but you're reminded on the toilet paper. Who gives a fuck leave?

This quarantine. It's on the paper. Wouldn't you rather be a whole thing? healthy, don't worry about fucking toilet paper. That's why you got a fucking bidet, don't you? What the fuck is wrong with you? That's too strong for the bidet? Yeah, you know, you're stronger.

Your asshole whiff, I can't imagine what your asshole must smell like with the hummus and the McDonald's and the old shit you got stuck up there. It's like a gram, like if somebody gets to, like right now, they catch you on the street past eight o'clock, you should be sentenced to a week of sniffing Lee's asshole. To take away the corona and to fucking make you check your fucking life. You ever have a what? 100 in a month. Thank God for that.

It smells like the back of that truck. George Perez, I'm happy you came out today. Thank you, brother. I'm happy. I'm happy. I'm 420 and shit. Hey, you're all going through shit. We're all going through shit.

We're going to make the best of it because that's what the fuck we do here on the church. Even with a fucking mask on. The last time I wore a mask, you don't know what I was doing. You don't want to know what I was doing. Straight up. Last time I had a mask on, you don't want to know what the fuck I was doing. But this is the new norm.

I don't want to do that fucking Zoom shit where, you know, I got to pop my head up. I mean, you know, so we try, we try to take clean, we leave the door open, we sanitize. You know me, I fucking don't go nowhere. Without my fucking, let me get that little cap, you're telling me your foot there.

Hey, Halloween's going to be easy now, though, we got a lot of practice with masks. Who gives the fuck about Halloween? We got to make it to Halloween, brother. We got to make it to the Fourth of July. Don't worry about Halloween right now. Look at this poor bastard. Right there.

You see it? I can't get there right now. You can't get it. I'll get it. No, no. I'll get it. I'll get it. I'll get it.

I get it. This is the last thing. No, shit, I'm so high. You're in no danger, getting that. George Perez, I would promote your dates, but we got not. You don't got no date. Hopefully June 4th of the 6th to let us do bread. Yeah.

And you're there with me. I'm happy you took the time on 420 and don't forget to go to my Instagram to watch my little segment for weed maps. They hooked me up. Weedmaps.com. They'll tell you where it's at. Deliveries, information, trains, ratings,

they are fucking tremendous. And remember, listen, just because Corona's got you sitting down and stressed out, don't mean you can't have any fun. If you don't have somebody who can run over their cones, then you've got to make your own fun. Thank God, my bookie.orgie.orgie slash Joey has some fucking bets for you.

Like this week, this Thursday is the NFL draft. They're not waiting for nobody. Bet the over and under on who gets in. And this just in. If you miss the UFC, now you can watch UFC 3 simulated games and bet on all the lines. They also got NBA 2K, NFL games on men, FIFA soccer, and NCAA brackets. And they got lines on soccer from all over the fucking world.

Ian, what's his name? Edwards. Edwards must be fucking happy. Belarus, Taiwan, Nicaragua. These fucks don't stop here. If playing casino is more your thing, they got fucking card games with a lot. live human dealer. And you get to play against other live human dealers, not computers. They also got slot games, poker, roulette, baccarac, and more. You don't have to wait until Wuhan freezes

over to bet on sports again. We got, we'll be supporting the church while also getting in the only action available. They also got a death pool. Listen, my bookie's at least being creative. Go to my bookie.ag right now slash Joey. They're giving you 50% off your initial deposit with in bonus funds. This means that if you deposit a thousand, they give you an extra 500. What are you going to do with that $1,200 stimulus check? You're going to sit there and wait for what? For two fucking dudes to knock on your door and take it from you?

Go to my bookie right now. More money in your pocket you can play with and more opportunities to win. Open up your browser, punch in. MyBooky.ag slash Joey and get ready to make some real fucking Scott O'Hare. All right? Who the fuck is better than you? Nobody. Head to mybooky.com right now slash AG slash Joey for 50% bonus.

Mybooky. Dot AG slash Joey, all right? Go play some fucking blackjack and leave your wife alone. It's got enough living with you. And don't forget to keep everything. Tick, Tak, Magoo, you got CBD Lion. I swear by them. I love it.

Every day after I take a shower, before I put my fucking Miondi's on, I rub them into my legs, my feet, everything feels better, my skin feels better. I don't have that fucking old man alligator skin no more and help with my hamstring. They got the gummy bears.

They got the tincture. They got the shit you smoke. They got the vapors. However you want, CBD, CBD line has it for you. Go to cdbdline.com right now. Look at that third-party lab results. They're not fucking around, all right?

I appreciate you guys taking the time and supporting the podcast. Thank you, George Perez. Don't forget, your podcast is called George Perez Stories. On fucking iTunes. iTunes, anything. We're the church.

What's happened now? We got fucking YouTube, iTunes, and Spotify. There you go. So you can listen to us on Spotify. And all I can do is wish you a happy 420. Don't forget to get high as fuck. And don't forget to be humbled and thank you.

And thankful. We're still alive. You still got your help. And prayers out to everybody who is suffering. And also a fucking big hug to all the motherfuckers out there in the front line. From the supermarkets to the hospital, to the nurses. Thank you for what you do. The church appreciate you.

I love you guys. I'll see you Wednesday morning. Kick this motherfucking meal.