The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #780 - Agostino Zoida

Episode Date: April 23, 2020

Agostino Zoida, a stand up comedian, writer and the host of the "Home Schooled" podcast, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt LIVE in studio. This podcast is brought to you by:   Blue Chew - Go to BlueChew.com/church and get your first shipment for FREE! Pay only $5 for shipping.   MeUndies - Go to Meundies.com/JOEY and get 15% off of your first purchase and FREE shipping.     

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We're going in like fucking Marines. You understand me? Welcome to church, motherfucker. Oh shit. It's Thursday morning cop suckers Uncle Joey's here With the Corona mask on Fuck it

Ain't nobody eating pussy with this mask on My fucking guest tonight is my nephew From the homeschool podcast The Agostino Motherfucking Zoyler Good to see you, brother You too, man How's the family?

Man, I'm really thankful Everybody's really healthy We got our health How's the podcast going? It's going good I need some fucking tips from you All right I want to thank you

for fucking supporting the comedy store last night. We had a great time. Thank you very much for helping us out. That's my home. Like I said yesterday on the pot, I saw Mitzie made. I sent my money in today. We're all straight, but I appreciate you guys supporting us

and even giving us a dollar, whatever the fuck you have. Thank you very much. And that's it. What's going on, DeGisina? Man, I'm doing what I can. I'm happy with this time that I have, to be honest with you. You know, I was thinking about the that day and I'm like, I bet you're happy you kept your day job.

You're fucking happy. You kept your day job. Listen, there's a lot of guys, man, that the thought of not having a day job just petrifies. Yeah. You know, and you got married and things changed and you said, you know what? I'm going to keep my little gig. You still do your little spots during the week. They let you travel.

Right. So you got the world by the bull, you know? Well, it's like we were saying before we recorded that this is a commission business. You know what I mean? It's just, it's scary. And I wasn't at a place where I can rely only on it, you know. And then like the plan always was as little by little, like the more, like I had dates to less hours I would work. And then eventually it would make the shift over.

And I was getting like to a point where I almost was about to go to part time before all this shit happened. So now I'm thankful I have it. I know you're thankful. So you talk about the, you know, you're homeschooled and shit. Yeah. You know what's going on. You know, it's a horror show. Yeah.

I never thought I would be the principal of a school. But I am. I'm like the assistant. Everybody's homeschool right now. I mean, this has been a learning experience for me and my wife. You have to learn how to be creative. Between you and I,

I think L.A. school district is doing a horrible fucking job. Just horrible. Like, we don't know what to do. Camp got canceled for her now. Yeah. And this is rough on a child. I don't give a fuck about me. You think they were doing a horrible job before this, and you were going to pull her out anyway?

No, I didn't. Listen, it's supposed to be the best school in the district. I don't want to say to that. But we moved into the district so she could go to that school. Okay. And it's turned out it's like fucking, you know, we've settled on, I think we've lowered our standards. As Americans, we really, really have lowered our standards. Things are so shitty that we don't know what's good or what's not good.

I know I have a ton of friends with kids. And they tell me about the schools they go to, whatever. And I just hear some fantastic things. I'm not, too. This is bullshit. This is bullshit. You know, she comes on at 11 o'clock. She goes to school from 10 to 10.30.

And then from 11 to like 11.45. The first half hour was just kids yelling at each other. Marcus, I got a purple shirt on. It shows a fuck, you know. It's a fucking nightmare. Yeah. So, you know, she's a racehorse. She's seven.

So you got to treat it like a fucking racehorse You know you you fuck around with her You don't get her exercise You're gonna find yourself in a fucking dilemma at 8 o'clock That's a horror show She's so you know Like you know This time she's like daddy after lunch

You wanna draw a picture? I'm like yeah Dog well I'm putting the last fork in my mouth She's right there I turn and her head's right there I'm like wow What the fuck? You know I understand I understand so

But this has been a learning experience for it. Like we know what to do. First of all, if you don't run her before that class comes on, you're going to have a problem. And I told my wife, I go, this is, what's going on here? What the fuck is the problem here? This is common sense. When we drop her off at school at 8 o'clock, you don't go to write the class. Right.

They run around for 20 minutes. They don't get their yias out and burn their energy out. Then they sit down, then they write their journal, then they fucking learn whatever the fuck it is. And you pick them up at 2.30. which is bullshit too. I went to school till 3.30. What the fuck? So now it's like I got to get up early with her.

But the online class starts at 11? 10 o'clock for 30 minutes, 25 minutes. Language arts. But they're giving you that time to runner first before you go online. But what the fuck? School starts at 8. What the fuck are you doing until 10? Yeah.

What the fuck is going on here? Yeah. Yeah. Why does it start so? Yeah. Fuck 11 o'clock. Why wouldn't they start the same exact time? I have no.

I have no fucking idea, and it's driving me crazy. Look at the bags under my eyes. It's driving me fucking crazy. Yeah. That they have taken this, like, a fucking joke. Like, I don't take her education as a joke. So now it's like 10 o'clock, 11 o'clock. I come home at 12 and I got her.

That's it. People call me up, hey, you want to do a Zoom? Do I look like I want to fucking do a Zoom? I try to do a video the other day. She came in the fucking video. You saw that at the house. You can't do nothing. I saw that, I think.

She's my ghost. Yeah. She's like a shadow. And I love it at death. I love it a death. But it's like it's fucking with her. Yeah. You know, today we bailed out because other kids called her.

We set up calls with other kids FaceTime. And they have messenger, whatever the fuck. And they yell and they scream. But if we don't have that throughout the day, it's a nightmare. You know, because she's talking to you. They have their own language. These little seven-year-old. You know, they have their own pace.

They have their own fucking language. which, you know, she'll tell you a story for 30 minutes of you let her. You know, Hon. Can I ask you something? Go ahead. Yeah. Drop it on me. Yeah.

So I got a runner in the morning. Then you got a little language arts and they do math. And then, you know, what do you do from 12 o'clock on? You can't be playing. So I try to color with her. My wife doesn't, you know, I got to give my wife a fucking breeder, too. Yeah. My wife goes out for a little while, takes a ride.

I draw with her. Well, what was it like for you, August? You know, because they didn't have any online when you were doing it. There was no online for me. For me, they would mail you all the books, and I would get like this big box every couple of months. You'd get a new box. I had this Catholic program.

I think it was called like St. Anthony's like homeschool education, something like that, right? So they send you a box every couple of months. And I remember getting those boxes, man. You just hear like a knock on the door. UPS guy delivers it. And you saw that big box like you knew like, oh shit, like we're starting up again, you know. Yeah, no online or anything like that. I think it's different for me.

It's going to be really hard for your daughter. I had a lot of siblings. Right. I got three sisters. Yes. And we tired each other out. And I annoyed the fuck out of them. And, you know, your daughter only has you guys.

My wife is limping. My wife played tag with her. She forgot she was 50. You're out there playing tag. You know, I tried to play badminton with her. He was limping for two days. You know, before they said not go to the park. I would take it to a corner of like a fucking not none of these parks around here.

Yeah. And I played badminton with her until some motherfucker fucked it up and showed up. But I played badminton with her. I take it against the garage. I throw curves at her. You know, she swears. I mean, you could just do this all the all so long. I get her to hit the mitts and throw kicks and work out for 20 minutes.

You know, I don't put that fucking television on because she'll lose her mind. It's not allowed on the house till five. See, that's something that my parents didn't do. They let us watch TV whenever. No, I got to cut it. Let me tell you something. I'm watching TV in the daytime. Just a bad happen.

Yeah. It's just a bad happen. And I knew what I was an 18-year-old. Like, I'm not the type of guy to stay on, bro. Right. I'm not the type of guy. Once you're up, you're up, you got to get out. Yeah.

You got to make a living. You got to justify your existence. Yeah. And that's how my mother raised me. You got to get up. You got to get out, you know? Now till today, I know, if I don't take a shower by 930, 9-9-15, and I'm going to go into depression.

So it don't matter what I got something to do. I don't have nothing to do. I jump in that fucking shower. What does that mean depression? Like you'll... Listen, bro, right now, most people's mind, you know, people are having nightmares. Have you read about...

I know. Nightmats, okay? People having nightmares. People are having vivid dreams. Yeah. That means that disinformation has gotten into you. It's gotten into your psyche. I am not mad at you for being scared right now.

Yeah. I do. I understand. every emotion you might have right now as a human being as an American. I understand every emotion. Maybe you're not scared of it. Maybe you're scared of it. Maybe you respect it.

I respect it. I don't know what's going on and I'm not a scientist. Yeah. I know that they're out of caskets. You know, I know that Ventura, my friend, they said they're going to lay people off at the hospital. Right. But everywhere else, people are telling you their bodies everywhere.

You know, people today, they had some black guy. They showed his dick by mistake breathing. They shocked them, you know, in hospitals in the Bronx and shit. So you don't know. I know one person who's had it. I heard Michael Yo had as a comment and whatever. Tiffany Haddish had the cough. You know, I've just heard little things.

But I know one person who died from it, but you never know. Because if you die from an ingrown toenail now, it's COVID. It's COVID. COVID to add the numbers. Did you hear that, by the way? There's a bunch of doctors that, like, came out and said that they... I've heard. You've heard.

You hear so many things that your mind doesn't know what to believe anymore. So what you... I hear so many different things. You know what I do at five? I put the TV on and I go on the backyard and hit the back. That's when the sun is the best. Yeah, at five. And at five, I'm bored to pieces.

By five, I'm ready to shoot a motherfucker. And it's been like that for years at five. We finished karate at five, but kickboxing for her. So for fucking years, it's been boring. I said, you know what? Fuck this morning workout. In the morning, I walk. I come here, I park, I go for a walk around the corner.

I walk the fucking, I'll go by my house and walk those little side sheets, but I don't like walking by my house. There's too many fucking people. There are a lot of people around. Yeah. There's a fuck ton of people out. But here, around the office, there ain't nobody. You can walk from here to the fucking, to the overduct,

and back. That's what I'd done a couple times. Yeah. There ain't nobody on this side of town because this is where they parked with the train. Right. So ain't nobody taking the train. Right. There's parking spots all over here that they can't. You can't even flat.

Nobody's fucking tires. We just walk around my house like over and over and over again with the dog. It's like all you can do. On the weekend, we went in, we went to Marina Del Rey and I go, you know what? We'll go for a ride. And if we see that it's not too crowded, we'll go for a walk, you know, around those houses. At least it's fresh air by the water. And you won't believe how many people were out.

It's crazy On the bikes Biking, hiking Walking in groups No mask Cops too Cops I'm like There's cops

They're not gonna let us walk around here Without a mask And they're like no cops No masks Just walking around I couldn't believe it It's unbelievable People out sailing on the water

So when you homeschooled What time did you crack the book My mom was really good about that Early in the morning I couldn't tell you an exact time But I'd say let's say nine Let's say nine o'clock in the morning And then what did you do from nine to whatever?

What was your day like? You sat at the kitchen table with my mom. Like I said, no computers, no online. So my mom was the teacher. She was there. And she sat there with me at the table the entire time. And she would go subject by subject. You know, you do each day you had a different little project or program or something,

just subject by subject. And then I would even get like homework afterward. She saved a little something for you to work on by yourself. And then after that was over, it was a few hours. then you can go, I can go watch TV. I'd say I was probably done by like close to four. Wow, that's a long day. Yeah.

But, you know, I have sisters at a pretty close in age. Like my sister right above me is only two years old. And she had it too. And my mom would have to switch between us and do it. Because we're different grades. We couldn't go at the same time. We're learning different shit. So, yeah, close to like four, I'd be done it.

Then I can go do whatever I want. I remember I used to go watch Power Rangers that came on like at four. That was my shit when I was a little kid. You know, I could watch that. And then it was just TV, dinner, and then I'd have to go do the homework, which was just, you know, the leftover progress she'd left me to do about on my own. And then in the morning, she'd look at my homework that I did and she'd have to, like, see what I got correct. And you home school from kindergarten all the way to high school? I never went to a school.

What was the reasoning? My parents are very, what's the word, like overprotective? my oldest oldest sister went to a public school and she got into some trouble she got kicked out of a bunch of schools she used to get into fights and stuff and my dad was already a paranoid person and they just pulled they pulled her out and then the rest of us were all homeschooled very sheltered like right now what everybody's going through with this quarantine shit like that was my life I didn't go outside like we weren't allowed to go out by ourselves unless we had like company by one of our parents or something like that like they were very protective so like they're very protective so like they This is what I grew up on, just staying in the house. And if you wanted to go out and ride a bike, we'd all have to go. Well, this is what's making this a lot easier that you guys' generations were raised in the house. Like, I was talking to a friend of mine and he goes, if this would have been in 1980, we would have all been dead. Yeah.

Because our generation did not stay home. We did not stay home. There was no reason to be in the house. You got home from school, you did homework, and you went out until 10 o'clock at fucking night. Yeah. You know, and you did a thousand things. With football, hockey, football, basketball, chasing a kid down the block,

whatever the fuck it was. Got paper route. You know, so this generation, these last couple generations, it's easier because they're home. Like, I got to stay on my daughter to go out. Like, I don't want her to have that. Right.

So that's why I told my wife, I go, we're out of here at 815. I think that's good. It's, listen, man. It's not like I didn't go outside. Like, I went out, you know, I was constantly at my grandmother's house. And my dad,

my grandfather had a garden. and you know, Italians, they're always growing their own vegetables and shit. I did all that shit. Like, I grew up in the dirt, you know what I mean? I had a childhood. I don't want to make it sound like I didn't. And I think that people that don't have a childhood, their immune system today as they're older are, is not as good.

Like, you see like all these like 20-year-olds in the hospital getting the coronavirus and it's like, how does that happen? You know what I mean? Like, an older person, I get it. A baby, I get it. How is like someone in their 20s getting it? And it's because, like you said, our generation, they didn't go outside. These millennials or whatever you want to call them.

They grew up on video games, computers. They didn't have a child that they didn't go out and get dirty. You know, you have a joke. I swam in the Hudson. You know what I'm saying? Like, you have a really strong immune system probably. And these other kids, they just, they were in the house. They grew up in a bubble, you know, and they're going to catch it easy.

It bothers me to know. I can tell when somebody's not going to fucking do it. Because it's all part of it. You got to get out the hustle. Yeah. You can't do nothing from now. Nothing happens at the house. Yeah.

You know, so if you don't get out, your life is done. Why come from? There's nothing going on. I got really mad at a friend of mine the other day. I was calling and checking on a couple buddies. And he goes, oh, I'm doing okay, except that my sleeping patterns are off. And he was just like, you know, I sleep at different hours. I don't know what day it is.

I don't know what time it is. And I got a little mad at him because I was just like, I know it's common, but I'm like, you're a comedian, bro. And I'm like, if you normally, before this quarantine bullshit, if you normally set the alarm for eight, you still have to. set it. I don't care if you're quarantined. I'm like you stuff to set the alarm for eight. Get up, shower, put your clothes on like you're going out. Even if you're staying in or working from home. Like, you know, I'm not saying like don't lay around in your pajamas. Like pretend like

you got a job. But now you're going to go work for yourself 100%. That's why I don't want to hold. That's why I would never want an office in my house. I do certain things in that office, but I get up. Yeah. You don't ever want an office in your house. You're not productive. You're not be productive. Yeah, there's too many distractions. You're not going to be productive. Trust what I'm telling you. I've done this for 30 fucking years. I've seen comics disappear because they're not productive. You cannot be productive in the house.

Yeah. You have to get out of the house and you have to make it happen. It's not going to happen for you. You could just send so many emails. You got to make calls. You got to get out. You got to, you know. And now all the coffee shops are closed. Yeah. That's what most people don't understand. I think my computer and I'll sit in a fucking car. Really? I'll take a notebook. just take it in the car with me and go for a ride.

You have to get out as a human being. I feel that, you know, when people tell me, I got depression, well, because you didn't do dick. You don't do dick. You don't do dick. Yeah. You know, you're frustrated, so it leads to depression. Sorry, Charlie.

You got to move. It's a lot. It's savage, true. And this is what, my daughter, like, I think it started going into her ear about the coronavirus, and she started with that shit. I don't want to go outside. Wow.

And I'm like, now, you got to go out. And so I put her on a point system, a star system. So when she gets 20 stars, she gets to stay up to 10. So she's up to 10 stars right now. And that's how I work with her. What times occur for you normally? 8.30. Okay.

But I could walk in there at 915, and she's still fucking jumping up and down. I was just going to ask, would she stay up to town? Even my wife comes out. She's like, what the fuck she's doing that? She reads books and fucking elephants, you know. Well, at least she keeps yourself entertained for being. a single child. She does a good job.

She's got Lego. She's got the fucking whatever. But, uh, I mean, you gotta give her credit for that. I do give her a lot of credit. Listen, man, I've talked her off a ledge.

It's been tough. It's been tough because she's scared. So I had to get her unskared. You know, she does a podcast every week. Right. She has to prepare it.

She has to watch. She started watching. videos about the podcast like I told it I go listen just because you read about the fucking elephant I go want to you start watching documentaries like tonight they're watching something about Australia at 8 o'clock with the good looking hemsworth oh yeah Chris hemzworth is doing something on that geo so she's watching that so she'll watch now I got it coming in and she'll talk about the homework assignment but then she'll fucking get off the notebook and just talk to me,

which is what I wanted her to be a podcast. Now she's going well, so now she's getting, like she's getting really, yesterday's podcast was a half hour. What are they normally? 34 minutes, 15, you know, 15, 22, 21.

Now she's like, fuck it, give me nine pages. So we broke up Elephant, part one, part two, you know. So now, what did you do in the summer? Did you also homeschool in the summer? Was it year out? or did you have? Yeah, it was year round. There was, there was no like scheduling, um, for us, for our family anyway with homeschool. Like there, there were some days where we didn't even do

school. Like my mom would fall off the wheel a little bit. You know what I mean? Like we just like would miss a day. And then there was no, I have like a vague reference of what was summer, what wasn't, you know? I mean, I guess a lot of kids do that, right? It's like kind of a vague reference when you're a kid. You don't remember a lot. But, uh, I don't, I don't know, man. It's summer, spring. It didn't matter. Like, it didn't matter. It was just always work to do. I just remember when you would finish all the programs in the box, you had a little bit of like a vacation until the next box came, maybe a month. So that was like your summer.

Like you got like a month off until the next box came, depending on how quick you went through the first box of shit, you know? I've always worked with her in the summers. Like there's camp. Like this year there's no camp at the one place, but we'll wait in here on the other place. And what I've done is When I was a kid

I think one of the best things that helped me growing up Was I had an ant in Miami And when I went to Miami I would spend four weeks of the shot When I was a kid for the summer Like I would stay at home for two weeks Then go to Miami, come back August 15th And do the last two weeks

In New Jersey until September 4th That's cool Yeah I would go to my mom would go What are you going to do here? What are you going to do you? You know, play baseball, oh fuck and that, whatever? We'd go to Miami, go to the ocean. My uncle had a boat.

We went out fishing, you know, shit like that. But you had to do shit. Their mother was a professor in Cuba. So she was about a book. So you had to basically get up, play, be in the house at 9. And then me, they had three kids. And when I would come down and make it 4. So three of us would sit down and the one daughter would play the piano.

And my aunt would be whipping her. whipping us. And then one day a week, we'd have to go to a special teacher's house. A different teacher. They got a different point of view. My mother would send money down for me to go. Oh, wow. And I'll tell you what, all those summers, I excelled the following year.

When I stopped doing that in the summer. So now in the summers, I work with her. You know, even if it's just like, I just drew away the paper. I had her over here, the end there. We were doing division. You know, she told me she had a problem with the box. So I'm like, let's fucking figure it out. Yeah.

You know, what's for? And then so I've got her playing with dice. Like, I got creative. I had to. I took the dice out of Monopoly. Yeah. I taught how to play blackjack. You know, just to learn how to count the cards.

Right. You have to be creative. You can't hurt. I don't know. I don't know. I'm not a teacher. But I have common sense. Yeah.

And I know how I was taught, what I paid attention to. You know, one of the biggest lessons I got growing up was a guy Earl Kingwell who left me back. He was a teacher who left me back. because I fucked up. But he did something that helped me a ton. He made me do oral book reports. I do oral book reports of her now. She gets it right.

I give her five bucks. Two stars. You know, I used to give her a fit. Now I give it two stars. So she gets two stars for a little book. And I ask her questions about the book. What's his character's name? Where do he live?

So her comprehension gets better. Yeah. Because I used to just read and nothing. I could read a book and sit there and go, what the fuck does that? I'm the same way. I got to work on my comprehension. That's why I read now.

Yeah. You got to work on your comprehension. So I don't read long. Yeah. I read short. Okay. Six, seven pages. I put it away to the next day.

I have a huge problem with reading where that's what I'll do. I'll read the same page over and over again because somewhere along the line, my brain just goes into something else. Yeah, that's it. It makes me think of something else. I could tell you, but in the first 10 pages, if I'm going to stick with it. I know what you mean. I could tell you within the first 10 pages. So if I make it past 10 pages, then we're in.

Yeah. Then we're in. Yeah, and I was talking to Dean Delray about a book I read. He told me something. I'm like, holy shit, you're right. I remember reading that, but I forgot about it. So it's like my comprehension still slept, you know? Right.

And I was dying to ask you for weeks. Like, what's the deal with this homeschool? With the homeschool? I've been dying to ask you. I just didn't have the balls to fucking call you. I said, let's do a podcast on it because I know, there's probably a ton of people homeschooling that kid. Right now.

The whole country. And they don't know what the fuck to do. Yeah. You know. But they got the teacher on the Skype, right? Or the Zoom, whatever. Zoom and something else. I mean, at least they have that. Like, when I was a kid, there wasn't that. Like, your mom was the teacher. And that's got to be

tough because I wouldn't listen to my mom at all. Yeah. Like, my mom told me, Paul Revere, went screaming, fucking whatever. Right. I like, fuck you. You don't know about poor Revere. Like, I wouldn't listen to my mom. Uh-huh. And that's why I was thinking. I thought somebody came in for you guys. No. Like, I was thinking I'm trying to hire somebody. Come in after this shit is done with, you know?

No, yeah. I hated school, man. I hated it. And, you know, I'm sure it was tough for my mom, but a lot of times she would just be like, this is your chapter you're reading today. Read that. And then she'd go over with my sister and do the same thing. And then she'd come back and forth between us. And I get the email right here. So I check the email all week. Okay. And I fucking.

Check it out. So this isn't going to give them good evening. I hope this email attached this to fuck and whatever. So what they basically do are. This ain't going to come up now. Oh, no, no, it did come up. All right, so, you know, Zoom rules. Stay focused, respectful while on Zoom.

Have all the daily materials. Do not lean Zoom without permission. Don't change the names on the screen. No Googling on the screen. Use the virtual hand raised. Sit up straight and make sure we can see your face. day. Lesson.

0.89 Zoom. Please have your math lesson ready. And then video, she has to know this video. So then Gigi or Prodigy, 20 minutes. That's like a program. And then they do extreme math. That's daily. That's a different program.

And then she has, at 11 o'clock, she has phonics skills. And that's Monday Zoom meeting. Have your grammar, spelling, words, vocabulary, Raz Kids, or Epic for 20 minutes. journal three to five sentences. And then tomorrow, thank God. Tomorrow we got math, we got language arts,

and we got art. And you know what? She's only got like three math classes left for the year. So I'm losing my fucking mind right now. That's crazy. You went from like, you know, the biggest part of her school was mainly you dropping her off.

And now it went to like completely your responsibility to make sure that she sits there. She has everything ready. We have a back. room which we were going to do the podcast in but again i didn't want an office at that yeah i didn't want it because then i won't do it that means i'm going to walk back there with slippers on i don't want to do that i want to plus you don't want guests coming in your house yes no and i didn't want people walking to the backyard but that was the thing i know that if i would have done the

podcast in my house i would have been out there with sandals on and shit or flip-lops yeah i don't want to do that i don't want to do that i want to be on point so this when driving over here at least let you fucking know right you know yeah yeah So they sit in the back together My wife had a blackboard We put a fucking fake desk back there We put chairs We got a fucking

What do you call that shit for air AC? A C, nothing they know The fan? A fog I don't know I don't fucking know Eventally And it keeps the cool back there

And they sit back there And it's nice And then I go back there About 11 and I sit with her And I watch And I'll write in my journal sometimes. Sometimes I just leave.

I leave them too alone. I can't work out in the backyard because I don't want to distract them. So I can't hit the bag. I can't really do nothing. So from 10 to a 12, I usually just leave. 10 to 12.30. I used to just leave.

Go for a walk, maybe run some errands if I have to. You know, if I don't, for me to do something, I have to go early in the morning. Because I don't want to walk around somebody else's germs. Yeah. So I avoid routes. I avoid all that shit.

I just go to a little bodegas. and I order food in, you know. Right. But I make her do things throughout the day also. I stay on her. You know, like tomorrow, she has to hit the pads and she gets three points. So exercise is important with the other thing

because I wanted to stay fresh. And like I said, if I don't wear her out, I'm going to pay for it later. You have to wear her out. If not, she has nervous breakdowns and shit, she starts crying, so I can't do it. So I work her, you know. Yeah.

She goes, bro, I get her on an 815 bike. And then we go back at 12.30, I have a scooter. Then over by the one church to have a basketball rim by yourself. So I make her play basketball, me, her and a mother. We do drills and shit. There's nobody else over there. Just you three. Every once in a while, three white dummies with no mask.

Show up. And even my daughter goes, let's go. Really? Yeah. Once she sees people with no mask. She don't trust it. No. She don't want to see people with no mask.

Man. She's like, let's get the fuck out of here. Let's go. This is tough on everybody. I mean, it's tough on the kids and stuff on the parents. This is tough. You know, hey, listen, man, it's so funny how I was really scared of that comedy store podcast. Like, I went in there really apprehensive.

Why? I didn't want to fail. Okay. I know people going through a hard time, and I know people were expecting to see something. So I pretty much lost my fucking mind and went off like a fucking animal that I am, you know? It's just so funny that I didn't really give a fuck Because I knew what I was feeling I didn't want to feel that no more

So if I could take people away from that for one fucking hour What they're feeling whether they're broke You know how many people are dying and you can't even go say goodbye to them Yeah And many people lose relatives you know So I wanted to go on People were expecting something big And I wanted to go off big

I showed them my balls I yelled at Stop me undies. I shaved my balls. I mean, I went off. I said things that were inappropriate, but I didn't give a fuck. Because I just wanted to take people's mind off this shit for one hour. I love one. Bro, this, it's been so weird when something comes on.

This time something comes on, and you're still there. Like, the Michael Jordan thing came on. And that's great, because you're focused. You forget about what's going on. You forget about your job. You forget about everything. You just worry, you know, you're in the moment. Yeah.

It's when you scatter that it's bad. So when you watch something that you've already seen, your mind scatters. Like I can't put the sopranos on. I can't put narcos on. It's like walking. I just sit there like a dummy. Yeah. And then nothing happens.

So I got to watch shit that I haven't watched before. To keep you like in. To keep me fresh and keep my mind. I want to get entertained. Yeah. So if it's something like trains, planes, and automobiles, I watch it for 30 minutes. I'll do other stuff. I've already seen it any time.

Yeah. Everybody's seen it any time. That's the problem I'm having. So I'm looking forward to it. I still haven't broken down and watched Joe Exotic. Joe Exotic. I don't like that much. I don't like that shit.

The Tiger. The Tiger King? I haven't seen it either. I just saw too many people watch it. Same here. Like, no offense to anybody out there. But I don't give a fuck if they get offended. If you watch that, go fuck yourself.

Listen. You might as well eat ranch and shoot yourself. The whole world's doing like backflips over it. But like, listen, I understand you all say it's great. What about? you if you know me make things that I want to watch a dude who does meth and he trains tigers like I'm nowhere even remotely

interested in the subject I didn't even put it on my wife won't put it on I won't yeah I don't want to put it on I just lost too much about it was too much it was too much yeah we're still relatively new into this it's only been about a month and a half two months at what point do you think people just start

normalizing it's already started it has but people are still it's done what dude I drive on that one-on-one freeway every day it's coming back. It is. The traffic. People are going out.

It's coming back little by little. And you're going to, and people are, this is not even the worst part of it, I don't think. I think that we got, it's going to get worse.

I think we're going to get, it's called the W effect. That's what happened with the Spanish flu. So like, it's called W because it goes like that, like that, like that, like that. So we're going to go back to normal

and that everyone's going to be like, yay, we're going to go back to the bars and we're going to drink and then you're going to get it even. It's going to take out even more people the second time. That's why I'm doing what I'm doing. Yeah.

I'm not going out. If you got tickets for Uncle Joey past September, fucking throw them away. I'm going to Utah, September 4th and 5th. I don't know what's going to happen in Philadelphia. I don't know what's going to happen in Buffalo, but I can't put my family at risk. Yeah.

I can't be on a plan for five and a half hours. I just don't know. I have no desire. I think I would pass out. as soon as I put my foot on a plane. You think? I would pass out from anxiety. Wow.

I would have a full-blown panic attack. I think I would have a full-blown panic attack once the wheels went up and we took off. And I'm terrified. Because if you make a plane come down, you've got to pay for that plane. You got to put a $10,000 or something like that. Really?

Yeah. That plan's taken leave. If they have to land because of you? Oh, yeah. What if you had like a heart attack? They send you the bill. Oh yeah, you'll get a bill eventually. Wow.

Or if you died on the plane. Nobody knows anything. Wow. If we have a crystal ball, nobody knows dick. But who gives a thought? That's why there's so much fear, because we don't know what to expect. We don't know nothing. It's very normal to have fear.

I had a weird dream last night that woke me up at five to four. I have dreams all night the last couple weeks. No, I've been good to last couple weeks. Really? I keep seeing it online. Are you having COVID dreams? Huh. I'm like, what the fuck?

I haven't seen that, but that's interesting. I have. Because fear has to trigger something in you. I got on the scale yesterday. I gained like six pounds. Really? I'm not in shock. You know why?

Cortisol. Because what? I'm in fear. I'm releasing cortisol. You know, I've been sticking to my points. I haven't been eating that much. I'm not that hungry. When you're scared, you're not that fucking hungry.

I'm not that hungry. And, you know, it was 420 Monday? Yeah. I maybe did four or five bonkets. I didn't even eat. edible Monday. I haven't eaten edibles all week. I just tried to give it a break just because that's all I did for March 2nd time.

Right. I went heavy. Heavy. I went heavy until about March 25th. And then I was like, holy fuck. What the fuck is going on? I'm just barely hitting that because we were still in Lent until recently. I went into this quarantine thing into Lent.

And I gave up beer, bread. I gave up all this shit for Lent. So I didn't have anything until like Easter. I finally started drinking. Now I've been having like beer every night. It's probably why I'm having dreams because I have like a beer before I go to bed. I'm just barely starting my little, my little binge. What do you think was like the most, the biggest advantage of being homeschooled over other kids?

Did you have friends that went to regular public schools when you were growing up? I didn't know anybody else was homeschooled. All my friends were public schooled or private. at school. I had friends that went to Notre Dame over here and then some of my other friends with the Grant High School. And I guess that I think that people thought that I was weird. Like, it's very unusual at the time. And, but I mean, I had friends. When I got a little older when I was a teenager, because like I said, when we were really young, I wasn't really allowed to go out alone. But I became a teenager. And when I was, when I was,

I was a teenager, I started to do the school by myself. And then internet started to come out. And by the time, like, late high school, there was online home school. Oh, that doll. It's fucking hot, me. Jesus Christ. Oh, yeah, it is. And you wore that other sweatshirt.

That's why I was like, fuck, it's going to be hot on a podcast tonight. I left. It was so windy out. Yeah, no, it's earthquake weather. Uh-huh. It's fucking windy. It's fucking sunny. It's, you know, we're going into 95 tomorrow.

I'm going to... I'm going to... definitely, I guess some advantages, I think there's more disadvantages. If I had the choice, I wouldn't want my kid to be homeschooled. Why? I think that you miss out on

social skills. You miss out on a lot of things like a lot of friends. I only, I could probably count on maybe one hand, two hands, maybe two hands, how many friends I had. And when you go to a school, you got a lot of friends. You know a lot of people.

You develop social skills. You go to party. you go to dances. I didn't have no dance. No homecoming. There was no prom. You know, like, I feel like that's a lot of, like, I don't know, special things that kids always remember. High school reunions. I don't have that.

And I feel like there's a lot to be, to miss out on. But I guess there's advantages of it too because I'm actually proud of the way I was raised. I think that I didn't, not to be a dick, but I don't think I'm as dumb as a lot of kids. I don't mean educationally, I mean, almost kind of like a street smarts type of thing. You know, like, I'm not, I don't fall for shit easy, you know. I think that partly had to do with the way my father and mother raised me. And there's some advantages. You probably, you know, get into drugs a lot later in life.

I mean, I got into it anyway. Well, I mean. But just later. And I was not homeschooled, but do you think there's a difference between maybe Joey's daughter's age? And then, like, I feel bad for that. The people I feel bad for are like the juniors and seniors in high school right now. You're like you kind of have to get the SATs, right? Yeah.

Apply to college. When you're missing first grade, hopefully it won't make that much of a difference. I don't listen. But who knows how long this is going to last. Yeah. If it lasts September, I'm going to send it to a different school. She can't be at home all day. It's going to kill her.

It's going to come back to buy this in the ass. All this generation. Not a lot of people have seen. this type of stuff. Yeah. No one has. This generation is everybody. Everybody's in show shock. You know, I don't, I feel bad for a lot of people.

I know people are hurting financially. I know people are hurting in so many ways. But you know what, man? I'm hurting. But I make myself laugh every day. I force myself to do things I don't want to do for the sake of mental health. I knew that this is going to affect a lot.

of mental health. And listen, if I didn't take care of it, I'm scared. I tell people all the time. I did a lot of asses as a kid. So I feel like I'm going to snap any day anyway. I'm just waiting for me to ship my pants or throw it at somebody like a cop or something one day and they just fucking put me in a mental ward. You know, like I don't know, but I've always been scared of that. I've always dealt with fear. I've always had the anxiety. So altogether, like I'm scared of these type of period. Can I ask you a question though? So like we like from since 2001 we've pretty

much had a war going on consistently. And like this, I don't, like, why do you think this is scary to some people? Because they're not shooting me over here. They're shooting you 3,000 miles away. We were at a, we were in war, but it was in Iraq. Yeah, but there's no bombs going off here. We don't even know about that.

Yeah. We don't even, we never really, listen, it takes somebody. not too many people are socially conscious. I know there's a war going on, but I don't give a fuck. I'm not in it. I know our country's in it, but it's not like I'm following it. I don't know the rules of it or whatever.

If it came close to the home, we know about it. But for years, we've known that there's wars going on at all times around the world. Just because you're living here and the sun's out, somebody's having a bad time somewhere. You know, you have to assume if you know anything about life. So I think this is a war right now. I mean, my personal opinion, I think this is a bio weapon. I think this is a weapon. I don't think this was an accident.

Personally, that's what I think. I mean, they found three different things in it. It's not just COVID-19. COVID is like it's been around for a while. It's cut with COVID. It's cut with HIV and one other thing. Is it serious? Yeah.

That's somebody created that. And the reason that I heard, it doesn't have the effect of HIV, not the same symptoms, but it's cut with HIV so that it spreads faster. It's easy to catch. So like someone planned this. It's like it's pretty, I mean, someone, when we know who did it, but.

I don't fuck it. Nobody knows nothing. Yeah, that's a, yeah, we don't know. We don't know. Nobody knows nothing, man. It's a hard time. But fucking, you know, you have to push yourself. You have to make yourself laugh.

You have to walk. You have to keep yourself fresh because of not. I mean, it's been, like I said, it's April 23rd, and I've been home since March 7th, pretty much. I haven't done comedy since March 2nd. So I'm feeling it. I've gone through changes since this. This is, you know, and it's all understandable, you know.

We just, I just want everybody to listen, there's whatever going on. I don't know what it is, whether it's a bioweapon or a flu, I don't know what it is. I do know one thing. I do know that you, Joe listener, has to take care of himself.

Your family, you know, be home, not go somewhere you don't belong. You know, if you see a line outside of a place,

you don't really want to eat there. You know what I'm saying? You don't really want to eat there. This is not the time to wait out of line for anything. But the most important thing about this, even so you're avoiding this COVID. And I understand it.

And I appreciate that. But at the same time, you also have to avoid you going crazy. Yeah. And those walls getting slowly on you. You know, drinking is up 60%. I spoke to my Coke dealer, buddy. My Alex Coke dealer, he says, he just called to check in. No, he wanted a, he saw the video for Manscape.

Oh, yeah. So he wanted the code. He goes, I forgot the code. I got a date. I want to look good. So I was going to ask you a question. How's business? He goes, oh, my God.

there's motherfuckers snort in 24 hours yeah I go are you serious he goes bro there's people I dropped shit off at 6 in the morning for them they just locked the door and they call me again at 5 and I drop it off at 6 the morning there's all types of shit going on we have a mutual friend that just texted me a photo with the little hole

and the straw oh yeah and he was doing a line with the mask on and he goes stay safe No, people are drinking. People are smoking. People are eating. People are doing anything that will make them feel better, you know. And with me, I'm just happy to be home.

I'm happy to be raising my daughter. I'm happy. I honestly thought the second week that something bad was going to happen in my house. Tensions were just a little too high. My wife was tense. I was tense. Mercy was starting to get tense. And one night I had a little, I thought about my past, man.

I just went into places I shouldn't have been. And I came clean with my wife about what was happening with me. You know, because she's like, where are you hiding in your office for? And I told her, I feel like shit. This is what I did as a kid. You know, this is what happened. It's playing with me. And she's like, knock it off.

And ever since that night, we've been best friends. There's no drama in my house. There's no stress. It's just we've accepted it. Like, this is what we do. I was really scared in the beginning. I thought, you know, they're talking about domestic violence is going to go up and people going to kill their wives. I don't know.

I'm fucking scared as it is. I mean, I'm sure everybody handles things differently. And I told my wife, people are going to argue. Well, you're lucky we're not drinking. Yeah. Aren't you lucky we're not a couple of drinks? Because right now somebody with shots. That's, you know, if you drink every night with your significant other,

and you're both going broke right now? That's a bad idea. And now people start pointing fingers at each other. You should have kept your job at Lubridor. You shouldn't have been such a whore. I told you not to quit that part-time job. I could totally see that happen. I can see that.

I can see that. That this is why you have to stay on top of your mental game right now. Yes. Your mental game. I look at my journal. It's garbage. I write a great journal. I write what happened yesterday,

how I feel, what I expect from today, what happened 20 years ago today. You got to read my journals now. It's at the same sentence over and over again. I read it like three hours later. I'm like, I'm dog shit. I am dog shit.

So I get it. I get at every angle. The most important thing right now is, yeah, taking care of your immune system, eating zinc, vitamin C, drinking water. Vitamin D kills this shit. Can't last in the sun.

Yeah. So vitamin D kills this shit. So get out. that fucking son every day. Yep. And the other thing you got to work on, number two is your fitness, that we go fucking stale,

your lungs don't breathe, you know, that's number two. Did you see the email I put from Dr. Belisa? No. That deep breathing helps you for in these type of situation. So as gay as this sounds,

everybody, I know people are going to be mad at me for saying this. I end my workout every day. I work out like four days a week. You know, sometimes I walk, 20 minutes and then I work out

15, 20 minutes, I put the time around with kettlebells or whatever. But my last 10 minutes of working out honestly is yoga. Yeah, nothing wrong with that. Downward dog, leg stretches, cat pose, baby pose,

and then I actually take my shoes off in the back. I sit in the sun, I do a yoga, I do a couple downward dogs, and I fucking meditate. I put the two fingers like this. Hell yeah. I close my eyes in the sun, and I work on my breathing, and make sure that my stomach goes all the way back,

just like Dr. Belisa told me. And, dog, the first two minutes is a nightmare. You're breathing, and you're thinking about negative shit, and comedy gigs, and who hates you, and who's mad at you, and it's all bullshit. And after you start breathing, like three or four minutes, it's just silence. The only thing I hear is a helicopter or a plane coming over.

And I'll sit there in the sun, and stop breathing, and I'll sit there in that position. I'll hold it for six or seven minutes. It feels good, right? I get up, I stretch out again, I put my palms out, I get the energy from the sun. Yeah. I thank the sun for being out there. I take my t-shirt off.

I take my sweats off right in the kitchen. I throw it in the washing machine, I take a fucking shower. That's it. But most of my workout now is basically stretching, working on my breathing, and then meditate. as gay as the sounds. I don't think it's gay at all. As anybody, because I know that it lowers your blood pressure. I know it clears your mind.

I know that, you know, and I do the whole thing, I close my eyes. I focus up. I go for the third eye. You know, I work on my breathing. And then that's eight or nine minutes. I snap out of it. You know, I'm not going to do a namaste where you lay on me. Chavez, sonah.

It's good for you, man. But anxiety can kill you, too. Dog, I know for a fact. that every time I had an edible, I had fucking COVID. That was the one. Okay? Every time I ate one fucking edible within an hour, I got COVID and shit. I'm online looking for symptoms and shit.

And that's why I had a stop. Yeah. Because in my mind, I had COVID. You get a headache now. Oh, my God. You got COVID. You got COVID. That's why you got to take care of yourself.

You don't even want to get a cold because they're going to look at you like you got COVID or something. You know what I mean? You gotta take care of yourself. You know, as gay as this sounds, I wear this mask. I got 10 of them. I got like 100 masks. Yeah. I got like 100 regular ones.

And then I got like these B-52s, whatever, and 95s. I got like 20 of these motherfuckers. And I switch them out. I throw them away. Yeah. You know, if I walk into anywhere, whatever I have on comes off when I go home right into the fucking thing. I'm trying really hard, but I knew.

You can't take no chances. I knew that the physical, and the mental were just as important as the immune part of this. Yeah. I knew it. I fucking knew it the whole time. I knew, for me, for me, with my fucking skeletons, I knew that they would fucking come out and haunt me

if I didn't fucking haunt them first. So I had a tap on their door and go, I'm here, bitch. What's the problem? So what? I did this in the sixth grade. So what? I did this in the eighth grade. So what?

So I was getting all judgment. about myself and beat myself up. Dog, until last night, until that Comedy Store podcast, I was quitting comedy. No. I swear to God. Last night revitalized me like a motherfucker. I needed that so badly last night.

I haven't been able to go off. And like I said, every time I eat a fucking edible bro, I got a different pain. I can't breathe and shit. Oh my God. And when I work out, too. When I go out there at five,

the first five minutes, I'm going to die. The sun's hitting me. It's hot. I feel a little prickly's and shit. That first ball of sweat comes through. It burns my eyeballs because God knows it's coming out of my body. You know, you've been home.

So God knows what's coming out of my fucking body. So I just try to sweat it out as much as I can every fucking day. And that's all you can do. I prepared for this. I had to. I had to mentally prepare myself for this. I had to write my own obituary. Yeah, about two weeks ago.

I go, what's the fear about? What am I scared about? I wrote my obituary. I wrote a fucking mask card. You know, beloved son, the whole fucking deal. I don't want to know. Yeah, but people don't usually write their own. But you do this.

I think MacArthur, will somebody please tweet me if they read this? Somebody was going to war and made their troops write their obituary. Wow. To take the fear. away. And I remember reading this years ago when I was a kid reading about this. And then it was brought up in a movie. And I was like, that's right.

I read that years ago. You write your obituary. That's super interesting. And fuck it. That's it. Now I'm not scared no more. Because you got all that. Right. I'm done. That worry about your loved ones and what people are going to think

about you got it out. I write a journal from my daughter so she knows all the story so nobody can tell her a fucking lie. Yeah. She knows all the stories. I got pictures that she'll get. I have special pictures in there that nobody's seen before. I have pictures of my other daughter so she knows she has a sister.

I write a journal for her, and I write my journal. That's great. And I just knew for me the mental health aspect. I'm just petrified. Petrified that I'm going to fucking pull a Martin Lawrence, get a gun, and go to Ventura Boulevard and start shooting up in the fucking air. It's in my blood. I think, and it's interesting you said that, because I even said last night when I called you,

is you sounded relaxed after the podcast. Oh, my God. So, like, what do you... You got that out. There has to be something that normal people who might not be stand-ups can do that's something like they normally did that would, like, help them feel more normal or something. Because, like, you did, he sounded like you had sex or something after. You sounded very relaxed last night.

Last night was a fucking big change of work for me. because I didn't want to do it. I thought I was going to fall apart in there. I just didn't want to do it. And then I was like, how can I not? Like, I wanted to really help the waitstaff. You know, it's funny when I went back to New York and May, I had a long talk of myself.

When I was looking at these friends of mine that I grew up with, that this is way before I did comedy in any movies. Anybody could be my friend now. But to be my friend then took a lot when I was a kid. I was a heavy duty friend. You were going to get a call every week about me. It took a strong friend to be my friend. So when I went back in May

and I sat across from my friends, I would look at them. They were eating and we'd be talking. I go, this motherfucker robbed three houses with me. This motherfucker. You know, I talked to a friend of mine yesterday and I go, do you know that during this fucking whole thing I realized why you and me got a fight?

Me and him have been friends since we were kids. We didn't talk for like 20 years. And he asked me once. He goes, why did we stop talking? And I go, I don't know. Because he was a state wrestler. And he was going to the states. We were juniors in high school.

Well, he was a sophomore and I was a junior. And we used to rob this gas station every other month. Right? Every other month we'd rob this gas station. We beat up Freddie. And then we finally beat Freddy. And then we just kept robbing it. We would hit it once a month.

And one night, we were getting some coach. like I had plans to get some coke so it was like just no like when you pick me up we're going to go with Putnam Field first like that's the way it was and what are we doing tonight before we do anything we got to put a gun to Puttum Field

and rob the guy he's going to have 400 on them because they drop every time they have 400 so the most you're going to get is 380 and the cops ain't going to come to Tunnelie Avenue who was right next to this place called Snappy nappy nappy hotbed place keep your tummy happy come to Snappy nappy if a rat meat

I mean, I don't know how many rats I ate in that place. That chili. That chili one time I see like a rat's tail in it, like in the hot dog. You have no idea. Snappy nappies till this day. Lee knows, like Lee's like, how do you know it's lizard meat? Because I ate it. I've seen it before.

You understand me? I ate it when I was the eighth grade. We used to ride our bikes down there. I swear to God, I saw a fucking little mouse tail one time on a hot dog. So why do you keep going to learn? Because who gives a fuck? It's the same reason why we eat Chinese food. We know they're cooking cats.

But we still go down there. You know where you're eating it. You're like, this tastes like dog. This tastes like cock and spragul. Oh, man. This tastes like tears. Some little boys' tears. It comes with a wandered poster.

A poster with a kid holding his dog. And you're like, what the fuck is this shit? Missing dog poster. Yeah, missing dog poster. You know, we know when you eat at those places, that where you're eating. You just make believe, like. Yeah. But then one day I stopped.

Like, I like Beal Scalapini. I hate lamb. I hate goat. I hate all that shit. But Beal Scalapini. Done right. When they cut it with the razor and it's thin. Oh my God.

It's tremendous. I don't stop eating it because I kept thinking of Bambi. What about the fuck? Those little goats. What the fucking thing? Yeah. You have to stop that shit. So what happened was I asked Didi to rob Putnam with me.

He's like, dog, I got this big. We can't keep robbing it. And I'm like, you're either going to rob it? Well, you're not doing coke to that. he goes, I won't do coke. I said, fuck it. So I just got a friend like you. I go, you're a rubber gas station?

The kid's like, I never done anything before I go, perfect. It's going to work out. And I draw a diagram for him. His name is Louis Castellito on Facebook. If you don't believe him, hit him up on Facebook. And go, do you still have the diagram? He still has the diagram. Oh, really?

He saved it. And he brought it to my show in fucking Fort Lauderdale last year. Hilarious. What, two years ago? Not this last time when I was in Miami. The time before. When I was in West Palm Beach or Port Laudel, he goes, do you remember this? He goes, this was the getaway route that you told me when he goes, I never robbed anything.

And you took me down there and we robbed this guy. He goes, I was never so scared in my life. It was like you had done it every day. I would just go in there and put like a fake gun to the guy. Give me your money and shit. The guy was fucking. But I would take Dini. The guy didn't know who I was.

We had a guy that was on the inside. And then after we burned him. We would rob him and then we were supposed to split the money with him. And me and Didi bought an eight ball and we snored the whole thing. We never came back. So he got fired. So now we had to rob it without no. We were taking a chance every time.

So that's the reason. So the other night, like the other night, I'm like, why did me and Didi stop talking? And I went into deep and I'm like, that's right. Louis Castleto brought that letter to the fucking improv about me, fucking me giving them the diagram or how we're going to run out of Putnam Fuel. Because we were not going to run the tunnel. We're going to run the long way, Westside Avenue. We're just going to cross the street.

You don't know how many times people robbed that gas. Everybody robbed that gas station. You needed 20 bucks you robbed that gas station. Like, that's what it became. Wow. So they knew they were getting robbed. And then they started putting two people and three people. So now we couldn't rob no more.

But that's true. Like, I thought, for 20 years, I'm like, why did me and Dini stop talking? It was because of that gas station. I got pissed off at them. I'm like, what do you mean when I robbing it? We robbed this place every Tuesday night. What do you mean? I look he took Coke away from him like it was dessert.

Like, you're not doing Coke tonight. No, we got a rob here. We got no kind of fuck around. No robby, no cocaine. Yeah. Well, if you don't rob, you don't have money for the Coke. If I got a different partner, if you don't want to rob, then I got a different partner.

How can I cut you in on the Coke? I got to cut him on the Coke. So how am I going to cut you on the Coke? He thought he was just going to fucking quarterback, an armchair quarterbacker. And I was going to give him Coke. Fuck you. Everybody got her in their fucking way to you.

Everybody got to fucking earn their fucking way in this fucking game. There ain't no fucking giveaway program. So it's just crazy where your mind goes on these times. Like I started thinking about my mom. I started thinking about this fucking girl that fell off a bike when I was a kid. I got to blame for it. You know? Like I was, I dated the fucking girl.

Me and the girl were like in love. and we broke up, we were friends and all of a sudden with that, if she takes my bite, I had to blame for that. You know, so I felt bad about that. Yeah. You know, I just was feeling bad about my life, and that's what happens when my wife goes to bed at 915,

and the doors start closing in on me. So I drink like fucking, like I got these things. Kikomo, these motherfuckers put you out. This is like a T-8C. Oh, yeah. How many milligrams, just so the people know. How many do you take? Two or three?

Before bed? Two milligrams of T.HC and three milligrams of CBN. I'll take three of those. And a cup of that tea. This company, Kikamo, does a tea. And it's the same thing. The tea is two milligrams.

The tea is less. The tea is the same. So I'll do like three of these and that tea because everything in this is for you to sleep. It's like a couple weeks ago he fell asleep on Twitch. He was snoring and shit because there's a thing you can drink. It's a liquid. that's mixed with melatonin, like heavy melatonin,

heavy fucking ginger root. Everything that puts you to sleep, plus 100 milligrams of THC. How long does it take to kick in? Two minutes. Two fucking minutes, dog. Two minutes. So you can't take it here and then drive home?

Oh, you can. Oh, I do anything. I'll eat a couple of these now just to get you ready. Yeah. You're going to fall asleep at the wheel? I won't fall asleep to I go home. You fell asleep on Twitch? There were people watching it?

I fall asleep a couple times, yeah. Dog, he fell asleep, snoring the whole fucking thing. You watched it? People were hit me that night. I'm like, what the fuck? I didn't know what they were saying. I didn't know what they were saying to me. And the next morning they're like, look at your boy.

And it opens up to him like on a desk. And all of a sudden, the fucking, every time he was snoring, the camera was moving back. you can see the camera moving back and all of a sudden the camera broke and he went and he moved

his little arm with like a little midget he puts his arms up that's what he looked like a little midget and he went like this he went whew

he just mumbled some words and I was there that's hilarious and then he started looking at the screen and people like wake up cock-sock with telling Uncle Joey

and he goes and you can see in his face he's like fuck How many hours Do that go on? Oh, no, I didn't fall asleep for hours I was just

Those edibles, man I can't do Like, I fall asleep here Okay Like I fall asleep in this chair And I have comfortable chairs In my living room This motherfucker

That's why time didn't bring no edibles with me Because I call them in the morning Where's the video? You're not gonna believe what I happen once I fell asleep In the morning What do you mean you fell asleep. I fall asleep. I fall asleep with the door open. One night I'm going to come here,

his head's going to be chopped up. One of these homeless people's going to see this door open and come in here and stop. Oh, Jesus. Don't jump that fucking fence. These people crazy in this name. Yeah. Especially now, man. Crime is at an all-time high. I heard they're breaking into a lot of cars. Yeah. I told you mine, right? I didn't tell you. No. Dude, I went out and they took the hood. Oh, that's right? The grill off my car.

They took the hood? They stole the hood. hood, the grill, fender liners from like the inside and a couple other like, they took the bolts for the hill. Now you have a Prius. I sold the Prius. Okay. And then? They did this on my Jeep.

I got a Jeep Cherokee. No shit. Yeah. And they, and they apparently the Jeep Cherokee grills, I guess, have a aftermarket values. That's why they steal them. And apparently the bolts that hold down the hood are like $12 a piece and there's like 20-something bolts. So they steal the bolts and everything because they're expensive. So when you woke up that morning, you got it was like a fucking April food joke?

I woke up that morning. I went out to my car and I was just sitting there. And the gardener was out there like mowing by my car. And we like made eye contact and I'm like, good morning. And then he's like looking at me weird. And then I looked over at my hood and I'm like, oh, I see what you're looking at me weird about. Just fucking everything gone. I just barely got it back.

It was in the shop for three weeks. Oh my God. Everything's like working a lot slower now because nobody's really open. The factories aren't going. Did they give you a rent a car and all that shit? Everything. My insurance paid for everything. That's great.

There's nothing like fucking surprising the fuck out of somebody. It's the worst. I used to have a buddy who was crazy. I loved him with all my heart. Rest in peace. His name is Darren Rago. He was a garbage man for a while. Uh-huh.

So we found out what his root was. So me and my buddies. we're going on his roots you know those metal garbage cans yeah we would put brick we would put blocks in there an eight-inch brick yeah and put like a garbage bag over it and we'd sit with binoculars

and watch him jump off the truck at five in the morning you know like fucking Johnny muscles and he's just picking up garbage cans and emptying them this before the machine yeah so this is where two idiots they hang on the back to the back and then they look in the front of your house and the best is like in jersey they come out and you have a couch and they're like we won't take couch and you give them 20 bucks

they throw the fucking couch in there they don't give a fuck yeah and it matches it but so we would do this guy this guy was a bodybuilder so we get all coped up and we go let's it's 430 what time is ray go take that garbage he's like ah 536 so we would go to a garbage can fill it up with bricks and then take the garbage can across the street because Because we didn't know what side he was going to be out. Okay. So he'd jump off the thing, start fucking empty and shit, and then get the one garbage can and go to pick it up and it's like,

and he yelled, fuck! Because he knew it was us. At first he didn't know. We would do this to him like every week. Just set up garbage cans. Just put weights in it, blocks, fucking bottles. And he would come on and you'd see him pulling and he's like, fuck.

and then we would ask him questions He's gonna break his back Oh my God, we would ask him questions How is work? Ah, some motherfuck is on 76th Street Put fucking heavy shit, man You didn't know We would sit there and watch him

Like all coped up And then he figured out it was us What would you put in there? Like weights? We drive, like let's say we had to drive To fucking leaves Like on the way there Okay

Stop by that construction sign Let's steal some fucking blocks And some eight-inch brick And then we'd go by your house and put barbells in there, like a 45-pound weight. And he'd come and try to, like, he'd be walking on the street, like whistling Dixie. Yeah.

And he'd go to pick up that garbage can. It would be, like, 200 fucking pounds. And he would get pissed. He'd have to drag it. And then the guy would have to help, and then they'd see the bricks. And they're like, motherfuckers. Somebody's doing this to myself on purpose.

We did this for about six months before he caught on. He would come out and he would be pissed. Somebody keeps fuck with me. find them and fuck them up. Oh man. There's nothing like... You're giving people ideas right now. There's nothing like, oh my God.

When we were kids... Some states still do it like that. The other night I was watching, oh my God, the worst movie of all time. The Iceman movie. Oh, yeah. With Michael Shannon? Yeah, it's god awful.

I've never seen it. It's got awful. You know, and I know that whole story. But the guy that plays the ice cream man in there, that's what we used to he used to live on the street called Charles Court and it was the darkest side of the street there was

a street light so the darkest sides of the street Charles Court was a circle it's like what do you call those culticicose yeah yeah and there's a little island in the middle like a roundabout right but very small it was just a regular block

with little island in the middle had two houses so when you would go up the corner and you would go this way there would be lights. But once you got to over here, it was very dark. And then there was a street light over here. And once you went down about 20 more yard,

it was pitch dark. So what we would do is we wait until the fall. And we'd get nine blocks. And we built like a brick wall on the middle of the street and put leaves on it. So it looked like it was a bundle of leaves. So you're there with your Mustang. And you're like, oh shit, look at these leaves.

Ah! So what we would do, we would do two roadblocks. We would get you in front of Prongay's house. And then once you hit the wall and you went out again, we had another wall down here. So you would actually hit two walls. You would get out of the car and start yelling, you motherfuckers, you dirty sons of bitches, and we'd be fucking howling.

Quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack. Oh, my God. And that's exactly what we do. You all free time as a teenager. We fucking put... Oh, no. This was... This was when I was in the 8th grade. At night. This was 8th grade, 7th grade at night.

And then there was a police phone. And we ripped that out every night and the cops would come. How old was you in 8th grade? 12, 13, 14. The crew I hung out with there, that's what we did, pranks. That's what we did. There was a lady who had a fish tank, like a bowl in front of the house with fish. And we put light of fluid in there and light it on fire with the fish.

And she'd come out, what the fuck is going on? It looked like one of those zombies at a fucking Chinese box. We lived that on fire for like a month and a half until she just took the water out. We killed like a thousand fish. We killed more fish than cancer. Like the straws, we were putting dogs. She used to have those big goldfish in there and then locked the door every night. And we just put lighter fluid up on top.

Oh, my God, that sucks. Put a match in there. And you can hear the fish. Oh, that's horrible. Hey, what are you going to do? I was in the eighth grade. I was a dumb kid. That's what we'd do.

And then we'd run down the block. And there was like a fucking thing. And then there was a guy that did ceramics. And he would sit at his house watching TV and we'd throw rocks at the window. Then when he'd come out, we throw eggs at him. Fuck you, mother. I mean, this was constant. Yeah.

That street down there, you knew if you didn't tip, like if we shoveled your driveway and you didn't tip, you were done on Halloween you don't many garbage cans with it on fire today my wife got out yesterday because my daughter we had to get a bicycle not for me

but I'm gonna ride it my wife got like a used whatever the fuck you call it like a mom like no the other one's the beach comers oh like a cruiser yeah my wife said some lady had it for 35 bucks or offer the term

you know that's funny I bought a used bike yesterday too she bought a bike so we were tuning it up today and I fucking put stuff on the chain I tighten the things I tighten the pedals and she goes

What are you tightening And I go the fucking handlebars And she goes why are you I taught? And I told the story I'll tell you something One time I don't know What I did

I bumped into a hundred bucks And the hottest bike When I was a kid It was the Apollo racer And had the handle bars And the fucking thing in the back What do you call Sissy Bar? I don't know

You guys are too young for this You stood up Yeah, it's three fucking speeds. It was, see if you see Apollo racer. Put the picture of Di Agostino, this is the baddest bike in the world. And they gave one a way every Sunday on Wonderrama.

When I was a kid, there was a show called Wonderrama on Channel 5. And it was from 8 to 11, and on Sundays they would fucking, they would play Wonderama, and you could register to win a bicycle. That was a fucking Apollo. Click onto one of them. You see that?

those. That was an Apollo race. You see those handlebar? Yeah. So, I bought one of those at Sears, Robo, and I actually, the guy goes, you want it to build it for you? And I go, no, no, no, no. Just give me 10% off and give me the demo. Got looked at me, like, what the fuck are you talking about? You're a kid. Nobody asked

10%. I'll give him 10% off, and I'll buy the demonstrator. Because I didn't have time for him to build it. This guy goes, okay, I'll give you whatever you want. I gave him the money, cash, and I got on the bicycle. Now, I lived on a hill. every hill was I had to go down Sears Hill and then down the Chinese hill which is fucking like this

Lisa went to the Chinese store fucking steep and then my block is a fucking hill so I went all the way home on hills nothing happened oh the hard part is going back uphill yeah I didn't go too many uphill there wasn't too many up hills on that bike everyone but you know those hills that would keep me alive today

walking those hills as a kid there's a there's a Facebook page It's called them. The Hills of North Bergen. It's a group of guys that talk about what we went through growing up in North Bergen on those hills. There was a hill, 46th Street, that was so steep. There was a cemetery on it. And whenever it rained, it would wash the graves.

And there'd be fucking caskets on the bottom of 46th Street. What? Didi, that kid I was talking about, and Carlos, his older brother, their mother lived on that. It was a dead end. You know how many cars came down that thing? crashed against the aisle, never growing up. Wow. They would lose control and just crash.

It was a fucking huge hill. Like two miles momentum. Oh, my God. And we would walk up that hill backwards, talking with a beer in our hands. When we were kids, smoking a joint. I just was goof for with my buddies. I would take us three hours to walk up that hill now.

I'd have a heart attack if I'd walk up that hill now. Yeah. We would walk it three times a night. We'd rather walk in the morning to get a bus, back down, and then at night, if you wanted to go up town, You had to walk it again. So we just get liquor and walk up the hill.

Drinking fucking liquor. So whenever it rained in that neighborhood, the Agostino, the fuck it would wash the graves. I remember the first move in there, and people are like, you got to run the 46th Street. There's a guy in a casket. You can see like a skeleton and shit. I was like, what?

And then later on, I didn't see it. But later on, when I started hanging out with those two, I asked him if those stories were true. And he goes, all the fucking time. We've seen caskets. bodies, bones, you know, a lot of, because it's an old cemetery. Like, people were buried in 1830, oh, wow. 1890, 19, you know, like the lower half.

Yeah. Like, it went up as the years went up. So the closer it was to your year, you were up the hill. But all those people on the bottom were in the middle were all like 1990. I remember taking a shit in there one night. In the dead of the winter, and I felt guilty. I'm like, I'm shit on the grave. I'm like, this guy's got no relatives left.

It was like a stick, like with a name, like it was just a stick. Like the cross was crooked. Like Jesus had a long arm than the other one like it. Like in city slickers when they buried them right there. It was fucking crazy. So I would take shits in there all the time. I couldn't make it home when I was in the summer time. I just get three fucking pieces of grass,

wipe my ass and walk home a little dirty ass. Oh, geez. Enough to make it home and there'd be no skidmark. clean your underwear. You just pull off your pants and you can smell your asshole. It smells dirty. So what happened with the handlebars? So I bring the fucking bike home. Yeah.

And next door to me, I had this goofy kid, Valentin Farrow, who will not be my friend. He refuses to be my friend. He's a fucking dentist in Kentucky now, one of those places. I found them online. I just went online and pressed his name and there he was.

But I won't accept your request is what you're saying no i called his dental office and left the mess i'm like i'm like he doesn't want to talk to you sir wow and i'm like okay and i fucking thought about why would you want to talk to him like i tortured this kid my mistake not really like every time he hung with me something bad happened not because i was a bad person i loved him i loved him he was a fucking grease monkey he was great but he was a speed demon you know he was one of those killed that builds ramps okay like where Like as soon as I moved to Jersey, he was my neighbor.

And he'd always be building him and this kid Michael Clemens, who had fleas. What do you call that when they have? Lice. Lice. The whole family had to get crew cuts. So there were two like bike junkies, and they lived right next door to each other. So I still, like, there was two wins and that one, then we'll get the fuck out of it. And when I bought that Apollo racer, I came home.

But six months before the Apollo racer, I bought a mini bike. Christmas Eve. the loan more ones yeah and he fucking fell off and got stitches and shit because the seat wasn't screwed on so every time he'd see me he's like man that night fucked me up I ended up the hospital

on Christmas Eve so he was okay with me we were friends and I loved him to death but he was every time he'd see me when I came home with the bike that day he's like hey that's a fucking cool ass bike man wow because he was like a half a bike thief so if we would

steal bikes we'd bring him to him and he would change him for us. He popped the plate off. He would screw fucking tape it. He'd sand the fucking VIN number down. Oh, wow. Put another one on it. Yeah.

Like, he was a fucking chief. So if somebody saw you with the bike and said, hey, man, that's my bike. What are you talking about? Look at the VIN. They're saying, you're a bike, and the guy would be looking at this number, looking at, oh, it's not my bike. Sorry. So we would take a bike.

What's it called when you're priming? You take the whole paint off. Yeah. So you put this gray thing on it. It would strip the old paint off down for the metal. Then we'd sand it to make it porous. And then we'd paint them. And then we'd paint like two or three coats.

And we'd put that other shit on it, the Silby stuff. So nobody knows who bikes. I mean, everybody who had a stolen bike brought it to Valentin. So he was considered the neighborhood fucking mechanic. Okay. So I'd get home one day and he's like, in his window. He's one of those kids that had like the screen window, the window, the flea window, like it was like a storm window.

Yeah. Windows. He would open up all eight of them. you know and pop his head up what do you got there is that an Apollo race I'm like yeah if you mind if I think of a ride

he'll come down so he comes down he's like man this is great thank you I always wanted one of these you know knock yourself out dog I had no bad malice in my heart he took the fucking bike up the hill he even did that thing

where you test the win oh my God and I'm sitting there and I don't know what's got he's a great kid he's gonna be fine and he's pedaling and he got up on the bike

and you know when you get it up and you're really peddling, but the guy didn't tighten the screw for the handle bars. So the handle bars basically went straight down. He's looking at me like, what the fuck is this? And all I've seen him was hit some of his body's right off the bicycle. And this mother took him to the hospital. Oh, man. And he hadn't talked to you since that time?

No. Then we became new. We were still friends and we got older. We had him drinking and smoking dope. He was a great kid. Big kid, tough kid. And one night we started lighting fires in the woods. We were like 13, 14.

It would be 13. We would light fires in the woods. And every night you would show up with something. So you'd show up with a piece of paper to contribute to the fire. Or a piece of wood or a little bit of gasoline, a little bit of liquid. You know, a lighter fluid. Not him. Guess what this motherfucker shows up.

An industrial can of Lysol. like the big this is 1970 when they were big and thick and we already had the fire going the fire was already going he shut up plate he's like look what I got we're like what the fuck is that

what are you going to do spray it because a lot of people would spray that yeah you can make a fire mist but he throws the whole can on there he threw the whole can in that motherfucker and we're like what's going to happen he's like I don't know somebody told me it blows up loud or something and we're standing there like

yeah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha And then you said, boom. And dog, I don't know what it was. It was like slow motion. I was kind of looking at the, you know how when you look at the fire, you get intrigued sometimes? Yeah. I saw the thing explode. And the bottom of the can, you know how it has the opal?

Uh-huh. That little bump in the thing. Yeah. I saw that thing fly right off. And it was like something out of a fucking movie. So this is the bottom of it. Yeah. And it flew off and went.

He had jeans on. Dog. Right to him, too. Right through the fucking jeans. You could smell the skin. And he was like, ah, and he ran home. We're fucking howling. Oh, no.

This poor bastard. And I don't know what happened after that. I don't know what the fuck happened after that is. Man, one time, me and my buddy who went to Grand High School over here, we used to ride our bikes around, and we found this apartment. You know, sometimes the floor apartments, they'll have furnished so they can show people, like, before they rent it. So it's always there furnished. We broke in there one time, and we made a murder scene.

We got, like, red paint and made it like blood. And we put, like, a note, like a murder note and shit. And did they buy it? I mean, we didn't wait around for people. Oh, no, that's the whole thing. You got to wait for them to see the cops. You gotta make believe like he's just playing it in the house. We let them show up and what, let's get to the bottom of this.

I'm flabbergasted. And then you go over and tell him fake excuse. I saw a Chinese guy with a bat. He walked him down the block at 2 o'clock. A Chinese guy, he's just giving fake information. So even though we would do it. Yeah. We'd wait for the cops to come.

And they would go, did you see anything? Oh, yeah. Three fucking Jewish guys. I saw everything. A black car. Yamaica. They were Jewish. Yamakas.

And the guy would go, be on a lookout. for a Jew, you know, like, fuck, and it was, it was too hard to believe. The guy would believe us and shit. Jagestino was a real pleasure seeing you and having you on. I don't want to make you feel bad. I got no dates either. I do got dates. You do?

I got a date June 20th for the time being. Yeah, that's not a date. You think it's not going to happen? No. Where is it? In Paso Robles. Oh, yeah, that'll happen. I mean, I thought you meant a different state.

No, Paso Robles. with California. It's like an hour drive. Listen, man, nobody knows. At a brewery. We'll see if it happens. Nobody knows nothing. Yeah. Nobody knows nothing to the day out. You know, I'll tell you, I'm the type of motherfucker. Like I told you, I will pass out of the plane.

Yeah. I am petrified that the plane takes off and I go into panic mode. And then I've got to get pinned down like that Chinese guy. I'll believe this shit and I won't have a lake to stand out and I can't let that happen. Yeah. So for right now, I'm going to get to be in a panic. sit at home for a few weeks. I'll wait to the store opens.

I'm not going to run down there fast either. I'm going to take my time. I'm going to hold the fucking man. And I got a really, I don't want to flip out right now. Yeah. But listen, man, anytime you need something, you call, it's great to see you. You too. Thank you.

Family for me. How many episodes you do a week? Two. Two now. Comes out on Tuesday and Friday. Okay. And I released an album. I'm telling you with this time off I got a little bit of stuff done I had an old album I

recorded a couple years ago I never released it I just submitted it for distributing right now so it'll be out soon and you guys can follow me on my social media and my website's homeschooled pod.com for all that stuff and uh we have fun we have fun on the podcast it's good thank you very much coming on explain the homeschool because I'm fucking confused real quick here me undies meandies The best. Meandis is the world's softest most sustainable underpants. It's like having a fucking hand

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I want to also welcome Blue Chude to the show. Tremendous. Listen, remember the days when you could fucking, your dick would get hard just for fucking standing there. You would get hard watching cartoons.

It don't happen that much no more unless you fucking be Agostino's age or Lee's age. I mean, the good old days I could sling dick. Now, I got problems from time to time. Do you have weak wood? Do you have a fucking pencil dick?

Well, I'll tell you what. Uncle Joey's got the fix. Blue Choo. It's the first chewable dick pill, which means it works fucking fast. Blue Chew has the same FDA-approved active ingredients as Viagra and Cialis. This isn't the fucking goat shit you get from the liquor store. This is fucking science. Blue Chew are prescribed online by licensed physicians,

so you don't have to go to the doctor's office and wait in line at a pharmacy. And it ships right to your door in a discreet package. Nobody knows nothing. Blue chew, right here. Nice little package. You open it up. You get a little fucking container here. You open it up.

And there you go. It's a little blue fucking pill. There you go right there. No more awkwardness. And some blue chew chips direct, they're cheaper than the pharmacy. And the best of all, there's no more awkwardness. But Joey, what's so good about a chewable dick pill?

Well, you can take them any time. Day and night, even on a full stomach, and since they're chewable, they work twice as fast as a pill. Listen, turn that little dead dick into a fucking hot rod, all right? You'll be fucking saluting the flag, and she won't even know what the fuck hit her with that dick of death you're going to have with veins, the whole fucking deal. Right now, you got a special offer for the church family. Visit bluechew.com. That's blue, B-L-U-E-chew-com, and get your first shipment free. and when you press in code church

it's going to cost you $5 for the shipping Again that's blue like the color of your dick vein That's going to be popping out when you hit that blue chew dog And it's very easy You just go online answer a few questions Send them a picture that doctor calls you back Within a couple days you got your package in the mail Nice and easy no drama

I'm one of those guys that signs up for shit And then they throw you all those questions and you quit halfway Then they send your emails for a month Come on. Come back. Go fuck yourself. There's too many questions. Three, four questions. That's all I want to answer. I ain't got time to be talking to you all day. Go to bluechoo.com

slash church right there. And pay $5 for shipping, all right? And we thank you for sponsoring the church. I want to thank Bluetooth. And I want to thank meandis. I want to thank the Agostino Zoyda. But most importantly, I want to thank you guys for a great week. Listen, I know it's tough for everybody.

We're trying to do our best. and that's all that matters. I love you, motherfuckers, with all my heart. I will see you guys Monday morning, nice and early. Tip-top, Magoono drama. One more time, followed the Agostino Zoroido, listen to his podcast, homeschooled.

And that's it, and that's that. I love you, motherfuckers. Don't forget about Bluchoo, and don't forget about meandis. Lee, kick this motherfucker mule.