The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #781 - Jimmy Shubert

Episode Date: April 27, 2020

Jimmy Shubert, a comedian and actor with 30+ years of experience seen on "The King Of Queens," and in films, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio. This podcast is brought to you by: MyBookie.ag -  Use code promo joey to get a 50% match on your first deposit up to $1,000.    CBD Lion - For all of your CBD needs, from shatter to gummies, go to www.CBDLion.com and use code CHURCH for 20% off. 

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Oh shit. Hit off like a fucking tele. No more fucking excuse. This is the year of the fucking soldier. We're going in like fucking Marines. You understand me? Welcome to church, motherfucker. That's right.

You filthy cop stuff? It's another week. We've been to house with your mother-in-law downstairs nagging you. You built your empire and not living it. You're fuck. The guest this week is my brother. Somebody I have to apologize to on the air.

Mr. Jimmy two shoes, Schubert out of Philadelphia. One of my early mentors in the comedy game. He had a movie. He was shooting over in Korea on the 16th and 17th and 18th of March.

And I nearly fucking went to his house and choked him half the death because he had me so worried. I love my friends. No, I did. I loved the input. Actually, it was March 2nd through the 9th, and I was doing this second season of the show. I had already done the first season, but I guess like people said, but actually to tell you the truth, I was wearing a mask back then. I knew it was serious.

When I got to Korea, like everybody was wearing a mask, the sets are smaller over there. They're not as big as they are. Oh, before you went to Korea, when you signed the plane, did you run out of will? Did you tell your mother goodbye? Dude, I was sitting. I had gloves. I had goggles. I had a man.

I called you to what you got on that plane. You know, I was, hey, dude, if I waited too long, I couldn't get out of it. And believe me, I'm glad I did it because that money's going to get me through this pandemic. But Jesus, man, I would, they were, I was nervous, but I was also like, I'm just going to just social distance and wear my mask and gloves and goggles. I wasn't playing games. I don't think of March 2nd, the stress had. developed as much people as me. I saw it

March 2nd at the comedy store and I was done. Back in February, I was in Atlantic City at the Hard Rock Casino and even then, I had Lysol in my room spraying. I wasn't touching any buttons. You knew everything already in February. No, I would just, well listen, they stop,

when billionaires stop with the NBA and the NHL just stop when they're going to lose billions of dollars I went there's something up here something's something's real then you were monitoring it and I just said there's something else that maybe they're not telling us so I wasn't taking any chances I had gloves I'm a little bit of a prepper I had I already had the N90 I have a case like the just a little box of the N95 mask I had the rubber gloves I mean just because you never I'd rather I'd rather have that stuff sorry absolutely yeah so and sure enough when I was going I had the gloves, I had the mask. I had two

bagged it, I got two masks, got a cloth mask over top of that 95 mask. But I wasn't taking any chances. I just wasn't. I mean, I was like even when I was... I thought about you every day. Every day, I lit a candle. I prayed. I called Adam, told him not to allow you back on the comedy store.

That you were electrocuted as motherfucker. I mean, I got to do it. I can't. I got to save my people. This fucking guy went into the heart of career. Then I call you a week later and you're like, I'm having a great time. I'm in Boston with Lenny Clark. He's in kill another one of my idols. No, no.

No, I'm, dude, I was, I was, I was, I was putting the stuff on. I was social distancing. What pissed me off was when I called you and you said you came back, I didn't bother you. No test, no hello, no welcome to America. There's a fucking epidemic

coming here. Well, I'm also a citizen. I mean, the lines for people coming in from other places that was like hardcore, but with me, I, guy saw him. He had the goggles. I had a mask. I had my hoodie up. I had two bag masks. So I had rubble gloves. This guy, I had to take all the, you know, all that stuff off once I get in.

And he saw my face. Because, yeah. But they didn't. They didn't stop. They took my temperature before I left Korea twice. Did they? Yeah. The airport. Okay. They do it over there. Not, they were like twice. It's part of the new. Who thing. Yeah, yeah. They took your temperature twice. And on the way back, Joey, there was nobody.

I had 15 seats before me, 15 seats. Nobody was in my section of a business class. There was nobody in there. I was like, this is awesome. You know what I mean? And, you know, they had the curtains drawn. There was another section, another section. But the section I was in, nobody was in there.

So I wasn't worried on the way back. On the way over, there was really not a lot of people around me either. So not good. I'm not good. I was at the first. I was at the park with my daughter. I had just gotten back from Vegas, and I just called you to check in.

You're like, I'm going to Korea, and I'm like, I thought it was like a bad dream. I'm like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. But at this time, I didn't know architecture either. See, that was my fault. Yeah. I'm not good with geography. Once you say I'm going to Philippines,

I'm thinking everything's to China. At that time, at that time, I thought all the Asian countries and I have nothing against them I wasn't blaming anybody I was just like Jimmy you're not going yeah

but believe me after that call you called your manager you said I told him I said you gotta get me out of this he goes bro he goes we're committed you're leaving like that

I was leaving that money goes you can't do this to these guys and I go so I went but also I looked up to South Korea and the infection in South Korea

was a in DeGas, which is like, oh, like, it's like 500 miles from where I was going. Seoul is a city of 11 million people, and they only had 100 cases. And I was checking, they were doing drive-through testing. They were already on top of this. So I said, I'm going for a week. I can get in, I get out. I'm only on a set three days, and I'll just go hit and run this social distance.

And I did. And thank God nothing happened, but you're right. I was a little nervous. But it also prepped me for everything else. I was wearing a mask. I wouldn't, even in Boston, I had a mask on, and they were, like, kind of making fun of me. Then I got, and Lenny Clark picked me up.

You know, he's one of my heroes as well. I got a mask off. I don't want to kill, I want to kill Lenny. You know what I mean? So I had a mask on when I, you know, I finally, like, social distancing and stuff when you were there. But it was like, I mean, that was it. I knew I didn't.

Once I got to the end of March, I knew I was good. All right. Spraying around. I mean, how do you feel? I feel great, man. Did you do any tests or anything? Any COVID, any antibody tests? Are you interested?

Yeah, I would do a test. I would do a test, but I know I know I'm good. Dude, I take my vitamins in the morning. I've been walking every day. I've been walking every day. Five miles a day. The last two days, we did six miles. with our boy Steve Simone.

We got Lee Syed out there doing a little walking. Just trying to get, just trying to happen. They're just getting that sunshine, man. I just read this the other day, the sunshine, even 20 minutes of the sun, the body produces micro-bacterials that's like viruses and parasites and everything else. Yeah, but you're out there for an hour and a half walking six miles.

That's even better. That's even better. Now you're killing more parasites, more disgusting things. You were talking about before. You know what happens when you eat hummus? They turn into worms inside of you. So you know what I'm saying?

Like you got to realize when you eat beef, what's in the beef? When you eat all this shit you're reading what's in it. There's toxins in it and your body needs to get rid of them. Yeah. So the best way to for you, but yeah, your body pisses some of them out. Yeah, sometimes you take a shit that smells like

10 horses die. Oh my God, I'm on the garlic pill. You know, I do three or four those a day. That's nature's penicillin. That's nature's penicillin. Then I make my wife, how many garlic clothes is the recipe call for it because you know white people they stick to the recipe

it calls for three garlic gloves then put six yeah well it won't taste the same will taste better it's garlic yeah and I'll shit blood and it cleans you the fuck out I'm a big garlic dude always have been when Pablo sent me the capitals I was like oh I thought in the old days

like my mom when I was a kid used to make me clothes of butter with Cuban bread and olive oil when I first came from I still remember With garlic you mean With garlic on bread

No fucking cooked garlic Like raw garlic With olive oil and whatever You know what I Stunk like fucking A vampire You know what I do I take the clothes of garlic

Chop them up I put this I have this stuff called Manuka honey It's like a super food It's like you know It's like it costs like 20 30 bucks but it's just raw super

And I put the garlic Right in the honey And I swallow it It helps me get a down but you're right. You take dumps, boy, they stink. But I'd rather, I'm telling you, that's nature's penicill and I'd rather take it.

Like you said, Simone goes, I think I put too much garlic in the sauce. I go, give it to me, bro. Yeah, I don't give it to shit. I like it. You know, we live in California, which are, you know, most people listen to this year, live in California, you live in Arizona, or some people in New York

or some people in England, where you it's fucking cloudy every day, whatever the fuck. You know, You, I, like, I love the son. Yeah. The best son I've ever been out in front of his Colorado. When I was a kid and I'd go to Aspen, you walk 10 minutes. You came back with a, people go, where did you come from Jamaica?

Yeah. You're 12,000 feet higher than most people, the 14,000 feet. Yeah. I went out and bought SPF and I would put around and hitchhiked and come home and the people would be like, where the fuck? So I fell in love with the sun. I've always liked the sun. Yeah. I never knew the healing properties

You know how good the sun is right now? There's no pollution. Go down Laurel Canyon and see how low, how much you could far, how far you could look into the... Really? Today, take a ride, the fourth laugh. Just to change it up.

What was the last time you went to Hollywood leave? Never. A month's two weeks. Okay, today, just 4.30. When you think it's supposed to be trafficking, get in your car and go below. You can see all the way out there, all the way up there.

It is the most spectacular. thing you have ever seen. No, no, no. You used to see it before. Yeah. Now you could actually see that little house that has a Porsche sit in front of it. And kids playing. You could see all the clearness in the air. So the air has been the best that's ever been.

They showed the air in New Delphi. Yeah. You could see the Himalayas. The Himalayas. It's tremendous now. Dude. No, no. Part of this disease is not staying humble. Don't. It's getting out.

It's getting out. Social distance, but get out in the sun. No, I avoid people. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. We do this walk in the neighborhood. There's nobody back there. There's nobody back there. There's bluebirds. I never see bluebirds, butterflies,

you know, finches. I mean, you walk through, you see all this stuff that you never get. I go, once's the last time we've seen this? There's birds everywhere. You know, the flowers are blooming. I don't stay away from people. We do a social distance walking, but it's, dude, it's great to get out. I'm telling you.

I feel great. This will be day seven. Seven days, at least five miles a day. What were you doing for the first couple weeks? Were you just home? I know you're a single guy. I mean, how is it feeling for you at the house?

Well, you know what? Anxieties where you're getting? There's a couple days, you know, like I, like, after like I, like laid around for like three days, and it was getting me down. I missed doing stand-up. I said, how long is this going to go on? I was kind of, I had a freak out.

And then I said, you know what? No. Get up every day. I started reading books. I'm reading four books. I got one by the toilet, one by my bed, one by my couch. So I got books going. I'm watched a couple documentaries.

I'm catching up on some stuff I want to catch up on. I redecorated my joint. I'm turning my back bedroom into like a little social media studio. I'm just, I'm keeping myself busy. I'm walking. I'm eating healthy. I'm cooking. I'm learning how to cook some stuff that I wanted to cook that I couldn't cook.

Uh, trying that. Look, I'm just trying to stay positive. I'm trying to stay focused. You're right. This thing can beat you up, but you got to make a decision. I mean, I'm coming. It's going to beat you up physically, uh, mentally. What's the word?

It's going to, like, the beating you're taking already. You're going into a fight with a financial stigma going into your head. Yeah. That you're about to lose everything. Yeah. So you can do two things. You can sit there, worry, kill yourself, you know, I'm not, listen, things work out. furlough, you know, unemployment,

and they all work out, whatever. But then I think there's more, like I read an article in time about how kids from this generation are affected. I have her involved all day. She's been going since 8.15 this morning. Yeah. You know, I don't let her,

she's waiting for me right now to hit the midst because she gets three stars. I get her outside throwing punches. She throws a nine-pound ball, you know. So I put myself on the schedule It's been a blessing to have her Because just when you want to shoot yourself She says something to you that makes you laugh

Yeah, stupid, you know Yeah I got to ask you about something else now Because you mentioned it I mean More than me and more than any of these fucking pieces of shit That are walking around Calling themselves comedians with no class

You have been a veteran of two comedy wars here you were a veteran of the Kennison days at the Comedy Store, which are history, their history, and then these last seven years, which has been a great run at the store. Absolutely. We all know, as human beings, that it's going to take a minute to get it back to where it was. All our businesses, every other club in the country, you know. Yeah. What do you see happening for yourself for comedy for the year?

and as a whole... Well, I'm glad you brought it up. I'm in May 15th. I got a brand new album, dropment called Zero Tolerance. It's coming out on, you know, it'll be on Series XM, but it'll also be available

on all the streaming platforms on May 15th. iTunes? iTunes, yeah. I think it's one of my best albums. So I got that coming out. And I'm also working. I mean, I'm just keeping right. What I think will happen is,

that's what I think. I think if you got a comedy club that seats, 300 people, that comedy club will now seat 150. They'll do some social distance seating initially, so people aren't sitting right next to each other until they get back to the point where everybody feels comfortable. But I think so the money's going to drop.

I think a lot of the clubs have struggled, like the servers have struggled. A lot of these people are having a tough time make a living. So I think it's going to come back a little bit gradually. but I do think eventually it will come all the way back. I think people want to hear what comedians have to say about this. This is a whole new, I mean, you know, you say you survived a pandemic.

You can say that when you get to that point, and people are going to want to hear what you have to say about it. I think people need to laugh more than ever now. I mean, you know, I don't, and people doing these virtual fucking comedy shows. I'm going fucking knock it off. Could we stop with the virtual? I've seen you in front of a packed house on a Saturday night, go down like an Iraqi fighter pilot. What makes you think it'll be any funnier from your fucking living room? Your wife just fucking walked out of the living room

when you tape and you said, stop it. Look, man. The cat's making a rope to hang himself. I swear to God. And you're up there with your fucking cruise ship fucking act. I've seen those things. And I love, listen, much respect for giving it a shot. It just doesn't work for me.

Look, you ever see a guy get fucked on the ass by mistake? It looks fun. It looks like a lot of fun. Some guy's struggling his head's like a little retard. You know what I'm saying? Some big black dude is fuck him in the air. Yeah, yeah. You're like, that looks like fun to do that to somebody.

That don't mean you want to do it. You know what I'm saying? If I get done doing it, you're knocking fucking cord nils out of your kids. On March 2nd, I sat here with Lee and played Johnny Genius. And me and Lee were going to get the pantry on going and charge 10 bucks a month. And I was going to move that chair,

and put that couch, slide it down, and put Simone, Eric Rocha, me, Lee, and Dean Delray in here every night. Yeah. And just do a night of new material every night. Tonight's topic, draw it out of a hat. Penises, boom, three minutes. Yeah. Three minutes.

I thought this was going to work. And then I was like, I'm going to kill them. We're going to kill each other because somebody's going to get the corona. Right. Because I knew just sitting there by myself wasn't really going to cut it. I just know. I just know. You need that energy. You need that. Now, I know that there's people that have certain platforms that they have people watching you and that laughter is delayed. People are really trying. Yeah. God bless them. You know what? For me, I'm taking a breather. I'm with you. I'm taking a breather. I mean, I've been approached to do a couple. I'm just not. I mean, like, I mean, realistically, it's been a fucking month. Like, you've been by yourself from, I get it. Some people don't have the skill set. but I certainly don't want you sitting in your living room with a fucking ukulele doing

fucking song parodies. Like everybody turns into weird out of Yankovic. I go, don't you have something else to, like, it's like, it's not doing anything for me. These people are fucking turning, like, you know, fucking Karen's a fucking expert on infectious diseases. Like, shut the, some dude shaved his fucking chest hair into a bat signal and died it blue.

You've been quarantined for a fucking three weeks. Hey, hear about Tommy Asperze. No, what happened? He sucked a dick. Is he gay? No, he was just bored during quarantine and decided to see what he's missing. Yeah. Like people, like, knock it the fuck off.

It's only been a couple weeks. Well, I mean, is this what comics talk about? Because I always hear comics complain, oh, the road's boring or by yourself in a hotel room. It sounds like that's kind of like you guys have been preparing for this. Like, for me, I'm not, I'm doing fine. I've been quarantined for years. I like being by myself. I get it.

But there's also people that have mental issues that don't do well. stuff like this and need human contact or whatever. I'll tell you, you know, ever since the beauty salons closed with the nail salons, and selfies have dropped like the stock market. Ain't nobody fucking posted selfies no more. And if I get, the eyelashes

are falling off. They got to get the baking. You're not able to wax your back and fucking, you know, it's just... It's a real dose of fucking reality. It's been served. I think it's a hard set for humanity. I think it's a hard reset for you. I think

A lot of people have taken things for granted. We've gotten complacent. Thank you. We've, the little things, it turns out now are the big things, the handshakes, hugging your friends, telling jokes, having a drink, having some laughs together. I'm telling you, man,

you'll never take that shit for granted ever again. But we have. We have. We've been mean to each other. You know, what you realize, as this is proven to me, the planet Earth is a giant human ecosphere. And we're all kind of connected.

What hurts the guy in the other? side of the world hurts me as well and that we should all fucking learn what I do have faith in is that we got some of the smartest minds of the world trying to solve this problem and we're all united in one cause I think I think we need to be more like that

I think people need to be more like that I think people need to be kinder you see someone struggling stop help them up don't be a mean fucking asshole be kind I think that you see like even nature like the air is as it's been, rivers are coming back, fish are, like, repopulating.

And maybe this was much, Mother of the Nature's way, going, hey, hey, listen, we live on a planet where anything can kill you. Spiders, snakes, Carol Baskin, a lot of shit can fucking kill you on the planet, you know? But this is, I think it's just a real hard reset for humanity. And I think you should just, like you said,

on the way in, people doing some of that big work up top. Big work, they haven't thought since high school. Nobody's really thought since high school. Yeah. You got into high school, college, SATs, B-C-T's, and resumes, you move from Emerson,

you're in an apartment, you don't know what's going on. They're charging you for parking. You know, you've never had a chance to really sit down with your own time. Outside, blee, and I've got to tell you this. I tell you this seriously. You know how what this workout that I've been selling you is? It's a form of meditation. Yeah.

To let you know it's okay. When you get back from walking with Steve, I want you to go upstairs, take off your pants, immediately, take off your shirt, don't eat nothing. Don't sit on in your couch. Jump in a shower, you get out, and this is where the true meditation comes in. This is what's going to build your heart is the stretching. And at the end of the stretching, sitting for the best amount of time that you can,

even if you lay down, and yoga, calling Savasana? Savasana. And just realize at the end of your work I'll calm your heart down and this is what's helped me

the last couple weeks to just heart first week or two that I was hitting the bag guys I was five minutes away from a stroke. Yeah. I was scared to death

because the fear was coming up my neck that stroke type shit but I would punch through the fear. They just kept throwing hooks and digging into the body like Rocky. And it seemed, you know,

I was so scared that the first five minutes of anything I did, whether it was body weight squats, I wouldn't need five minutes just to relax. My heart and mind would spin out of control. So this has become, like I'm back to meditating. Yeah, meditation is so good, man. It just calms it all down.

Close your eyes. Breathe. Focus on your nose and breathing. And let everything go away. Your mother, your father, the cat. You know what? You can't pay rent? Who gives the fuck? Let fucking Dami Lama. We just release.

Just release. I do that every day after my workout outside. In the heat of the sun, sweating. I got to wipe my eyebrows while I'm doing it. I just sit there, put my fingers together as gay as it sounds. I give gratitude for what I have. I give gratitude for what I don't have. And I go, Jesus Christ, I just finished the workout.

I'm going to live another day. Regardless, all these people, they're showing you the tubes in their noses. And, you know, it's just, we've got to be very, we're fortunate. Yeah. I think you're right. I think that daily gratitude, I've been doing that, you know. I've been saying my rosary every night. This is it.

We're back to basics again. No more fucking around, man. I mean, you know, I save my rose before I go to bed tonight. I pray for the frontliners, the EMTs, the doctors, the nurses, the people that are really on the front line to this thing, my family, my friends, the people I love and them care about. And in the morning, I do that stretching, get up the stretch, and I do that meditation.

I'm telling you, it's the only thing keeps me saying. It does. I don't watch, I don't even turn on my TV. I don't watch the news. No, no more. You know what I got? I turn on the news at 6. I turn on the 6 o'clock news while I'm moving around and eating dinner.

but no more sitting in front of the My buddy gave me this gift a while back It was one of those old style iPads And it literally has every top 40 song In every category from like 195 To 2013 It's got the entire Beatles collection It's got the theme song for the TV shows

That you grow watching you know what I mean It's got everything 150 gigabudge and I just pick an artist Like you're there there was Pink Floyd Bam all day long with the Pink Floyd Just listening Led Zepplin Billy Joe You know just listening to music and I don't

watch it. It calms me down. No, you can't watch. You watch that news. You're being under the end table working on a callus on the roof of your mouth from a loaded revolver. You know what I can't. You know what I was doing? I was watching from

because I love being scared. I was watching the news from three to four. So I would watch the world, you know, eyewitness news. Yeah. Locally and then the world news tonight with David Mewa. At 4 o'clock, I'd be shaken.

And that's when I would force myself to go outside and hit the bag. That's why my stress levels were so high. Then I said, let me try it without watching the news. I was Muhammad Ali that. I was bouncing, stinging. You know what I did it, bro? Doing fucking sugar-ray lennards by myself.

And I go, that's it. No more news. About two years ago. No more news. About two years ago, I fucking had the cable company come get the box. Yeah. get this out of my house.

Why do you think they call it fucking programming? People sitting around just putting fear in your head. It's putting control in you with fear. You know, I want to say this too, before we get on an awful tangent. I know a lot of people are big fans of comedy here. You get the church family. But a lot of comedians that you support. Like you said, no one's working.

But if you go to Pandora and Spotify and you listen to some of your favorite artists, it helps them get, you know, a little bit of money at the end of each month. Like, you know, so a lot of guys, guys are like how you know just go listen to some of your favorite artists and help some out like comedians and whatnot so yeah it's a good thing to you know it's like we're not working either I don't know when I'm gonna go back I don't know

when it's gonna come back so you know it's a way to way to help out some of your favorite comedians you go listen to the stuff whoever it is go listen on Spotify and Pandora and you know to get a couple you know get a couple pennies on every song or whatever the deal is but it helps out are you willing to get on planes tomorrow are you ready to get on plane I'm going to plane tomorrow you know I got a I I got a, it's funny, I had this corporate gig that got canceled. It was supposed to be like, you know, March 28th. So they moved it to May 20th.

Now they're talking about virtual, doing a virtual show. I said, well, listen, tell, I mean, I'm making any money. I'll do it. You already paid me half, but I'll do it. But, you know, the price is what the price is, you know. I mean, I didn't have anything to do with this. It's just, I'll do the virtual comedy show. I'll do some stuff.

I said, if you're going to do that, I said, make sure you have people. on the other thing. So you can cut to me telling a joke. And then you can cut to like the 20 people on the other side of Zoom laughing and stuff. So it makes it seem like it's a real comedy show. I like that. I said so if you have the people call in.

I mean, it's for Gilder's house. I want to raise money out. But have like the 20 people sitting there so if I can do the joke, you cut to me. Then you cut to them. Then you cut to me telling another. That way it seems like a comedy show. If you're going to do it, do it that way.

You know? And then maybe we can do a Q&A and they can ask me anything and we can do the, you know, the time or whatever. I mean, listen,

I'd love, I mean, other than, I don't know what to do. And I don't know when it's going to come back to full swing. I'm just hoping that

doesn't go on for too long. I don't want to become a solo artist on fucking porn hub under the name of Pinky. You know, fucking, is that the fuck

are you going to do? I mean, everything I'm trained to do. It's acting. I mean, you had to cancel that thing with the Sopranos. They ever,

pick that up? Did you ever go back to do that? better know. What are you going to do? Yeah, I mean, it's like acting or stand up or anywhere, you know, even fucking... What are you going to do? I'm looking at things right now going, how are they going to do this? How are they going to do that?

I got a call last week and they said that they pushed a movie back. Yeah. Until March 12. And that once things slowed down, they would try to put the band back together to shoot that one scene. Right. I my respond was we're going to have to see when that scene is

at what time because I'm 57 and I fit into all those things and I'm not even traveling for comedy. Yeah. Like I'm not traveling for comedy. I'm holding on to my brayer date in June. Yeah. I've got

a Vegas July 31st which I know I'm going to get an addendum pool because they're not going to be able to seat 1,600 people in there. I've got August 30, August 1st at San Diego. I could walk there. Yeah. You know?

Yeah. And I got Salt Lake City, September 4th and 5th, if they hold on. Yeah. You know, you got to remember what comedians, what people don't know at home, and everybody knows that every, every aspect of life has a slow and a busy season. Ours is October through May is when we thrive. Yeah. If you want to go on the summer, there's nothing wrong with it, but you're fighting against vacations, barbecues, after school part.

Yeah, plus everything's been postponed or delayed, so they're going to have to make up all these other dates for all these other shows they canceled. I doubt that, like, theater racks are going back to the clubs. That's not going to happen. It's going to have to happen. You think so? It's going to have to happen.

Where are you going to start? Think about what's Bill Blumen, Rachel, going to do. Yeah. He has 1,200 seats. You're not going to put, you have to put 400, you're going to have to handle those dates. Yeah. To move on until they do open up. Yeah.

Well, I also think that, you know, the comedy clubs are, you know, they haven't been working either for three months, so they're going to come back out of this, struggling a little bit and trying to figure out how to, you know, juggle all this stuff. It's going to be, it'll be interesting to see how they start to move back. Me, I love to go entertain. I know what people are going through.

Yeah. I love to go out during the week. I think it's going to go back to Monday through Sunday. Yeah. Comedy. Wow. We'll go back through seven nights a week. That's one thing. I think so.

It makes sense. We're trying to get shows out. If I could get Joe Diaz to come in Monday and Tuesday. Yeah. And bang out seven and nine for 140 people. I'll do it seven nights a week. Yeah. So schedules are going to change.

That's going to be good. by the time now on a Tuesday and Wednesday. Yeah, that's cool. You're not going to get the profit margin. You're going to get the percentages is Friday, Thursday, and Saturday. No, but the thing is it'll start to come back. It'll start to come back. And I think the other thing is, too, as long as you watch the WCove.

I mean, people have been quarantined will be almost for two months. So if you didn't have it, then you don't have it. I mean, you just got to, you know, I'm not, I mean, I'm going to go to an NFL game with all those people. but I mean small groups of people Nothing is burning me up more than walking through the living room and then talking about an NFL

draft the other day and like sitting there going Ram has got rid of what's his name and I'm like guys you got to bring back baseball first yeah you got to bring back the NBA final

so I guess Friday the NBA players start practicing by themselves yeah you know what are you going to do they're thinking you know the idea right Yeah. Vegas putting every team in a different hotel and nobody's allowed in and out. And they only play, you only go to one place to play. They're trying to put something so good.

Something together, yeah. So nobody has to travel. Every hotel in Vegas is utilized. That's empty. They're all empty. Empty. Nobody goes in and out except the players and they get shuttled right to an arena. They get tested.

They play each other. This is one option. heard. Yeah. This makes sense. You know, baseball, you're going to have to go back to a third of the thing. I don't want to sit next to anybody. I don't want nobody behind me. Yeah. I don't want a fat guy behind me yelling

go dodgers. That's not going to happen with hot dog chunks going all over my neck. Yeah. You know, they've, Dave, Dave, Dave, what they did, they're going to have redo. Look at planes. Yeah.

New seating on planes. I think there's also new cleaning guidelines on planes. Oh, yeah. Thank God. Thank God. Yeah, because they're like germ tubes. Yeah, they have to. I think you're going to do, the cleaning guidelines are going to be different.

Everything's going to be different. I think eventually it will get back to like where it was. I think if there's no second wave of this thing, there is going to be a second wave. You think so? You know why don't I know? Why?

Disney's not opening. Yeah, and then you got all the liability for that stuff too. Disney is not opening. So 20, 20, That, even if you're a retard, you're at home thinking to yourself, Disney's not opening. Disney's going to jack up their Pixar division, because that they could do. Everybody can work in animation by themselves. They're going to bring them back the Looney Tunes.

Nice. They're doing all that stuff. I'm looking forward to it. Yeah, no. They're going to beef off that. You know, they're not, it's like some girl put, well, I hope they do construction. Did you see that yesterday? No.

some girl put on there from the church. I hope they do construction and fix some of the Disney world. Are you retarded? Yeah. Did somebody hit you in the head with a stick or should feed gas in your eye? They're closing those places because they know. 70% people have to fly over here to go to Disneyland. I got Angelinos go to Disneyland.

Yeah. I got news for you. I don't think that's, I don't think they may ban that China and that international immigration. That stuff's done too. That ain't coming back. There's no more immigration or He ain't coming into the country. I think that's going to extend for a little while.

My cousin sent me pictures of the streets of Cuba. Nobody. They just extended orders in some town in Mexico and if you see it on your street, they're going to shoot you. Yeah. Without a fucking head mask. Yeah.

If you're on the street without a mask in Mexico, there's some city right now, a couple of them. Yeah. that they just stated, we're just going to shoot you. Dude, I was reading the story the other day about in China,

and this is the, like, the scary thing, there are 21 million less cell phone users since this, like, virus broke out and stuff.

So, I mean, I think they, like, there's 21 million less cell phone users that were, for no reason,

just like during the, they just dropped off. Like, there's, I mean, that's how they were starting to think about the,

numbers and they're lying about them like they know all that shit they're like they there's like 21 million less cell phone years of all this we're all talking because we take it seriously like did you see that what happened yesterday in Orange County at the beach like 40,000 people were at Newport Beach

like that's why it's going to come back because a lot of people just aren't taking it seriously listen I'm not mad at those people there's most people that drive by and they see a line and they'll pull over and stand on that line to give them comfort or warmth. You know, the reason why you can't go to a park

and walk around no whole park is because eventually three people will walk up on you. Doesn't mean that bad people. It's our natural thing to be close to people. And be social. We're social creatures, you know. The social distancing is going to work if you make it work.

If you lay your line and tell people, oh, stop right there. Yeah. Did you see the thing I posted the other day about the liquor store in the Bronx? That's my mentality. What's it? My mentality is basically, this is one of the funniest things I've ever read. I hope this is.

Was it a note hanging on the door? Yeah. If you cough, you're dead. You get to, yeah, yeah, I saw that. That's my state of mind. I'm with you, my state of mind is basically, here it is plain and fucking simple. If you fucking If you're going to be that fucking stupid

Because I love I love exactly what he said He said the exact words I would write in front of my fucking business I don't know where the fuck it is No titty money No sock money No sock money

I can't find it now I'll pull up it doesn't matter But that's the exact way I feel Yeah, don't be pulling shit out of your sock Don't be pulling out of your breasts He set a line in there That was so brilliant And this is the one

What he says Shut the fuck up Oh God, bro Shut the fuck up Don't shut the fuck up The reason why I do every move I do early Is because I want to do the percentages Of people that have been in that place

Yeah So I try to cut it real early I go to Walgreens at 815. I went to the supermarket. My supermarket opened at 6 a.m. I'm the first guy in line. Rouse on the corner of... You're going to die there.

Don't go to Rouse. Go to Routherty. Oh, yeah? Look at that. Shut the fuck up. Buy your shit and leave immediately. No titty or sock money. Stand back at least six feet, player. Store capacity to five motherfuckers at once. You cough, you die.

Drink responsibly. And it's true. That's it. Don't come in here with questions. Yeah. You know if we got no lights off. Why are you asking? There's a fucking 141.

What's that? What's that? What's that? Valley Village. Valley Village? It's just a small one. It's like a little bandagas. Yeah.

There's a little M&M market right by the corner. Right there. That's the one I go to. Somebody turned me out to a place for meat the other day, real hell. I went in there, not a soul in there. My wife made a steak last night tasted like fucking God's

personal fucking beef. Oh yeah, dude, that Eminem Market. There's little places over there. Oh, God. Handy, a little Eminem Market. Yeah, he got the chicken marinating already. The sausage is fresh. It's great.

Shoshubish, what do you think? I mean, this is, we've gone through two huge fucking explosions at the comedy store. The explosion of, that you witness as a young man and the explosion that you're a part of now. How long

till we get it back to that? Jeez, man. I think... First of all, they're only opening up one room. Yeah, well, slowly they'll get back, but it's going to take months.

I think it's going to take a lot of comics out of the business. Yeah. I think, yeah. I think a lot of comics are going to rearrange their lives and go, you know, This is where I was at.

I've done this for 18 years. My wife is, you know. Yeah. I mean, and I feel bad for people. But at the same time, I've always said that everybody's going to get their own personal silver lining out of this. I know for a fact. Yeah, but I know guys over the years, Joey,

like guys that they got married, they had kids. And they just said, F it, I'm not, I'm not, I'm going to, my kids are more important. My family's more important. So, you know, I don't want to be. fucking away for my kids. You guys started coaching the football team. So we got out of comedy all the guy.

People do. You're right. I think people will hit, like to go, you know what, fucking life's too short. If I ain't doing something I love to do, if I ain't doing something to feeds my soul,

then why do it? I think also, I think other people, I think other people that do nine to five jobs, are going to go, you know what, fuck this. And they may go into something

artistic or playing. It's going to go both ways. I think if you've taken some time to reflect over this period, You go, what am I doing? I'm going to work for fucking, you know, 30 years. And then I got 10 years before I die. And I'm going to go live my life.

I mean, if anything, go do something that feed your fucking soul. I don't tell you. Look, listen, look, I'd rather fail doing something I love to do than succeed in something I fucking do. Then I hate it. Then I got to go in every day. Hate it. Hate my fucking life. And I got to tell you, Joey, if all this ended tomorrow between me and you,

I've had the most amazing life. Me too. I've traveled the world. I've seen, I've made people laugh. I've had the greatest fucking time. Look, I had a great fucking run. And if I got to figure out something to do after this, I will. But, I mean, I have to tell you,

I think it will come back. I think it will eventually get back to where it was. But you're right. It's going to change some things. And things are going to have to come different. Do I think it's going to come raging back? Eventually, it will get back to where it is before this happens. But it's going to be months.

I mean, people just want to feel safe, you know? I mean, you know, you've got metal detectors or probably people taking their temperature before they come into the club, you know what I mean? There's going to be some new safety protocols. How many years have you been doing comedy for, Jim? Jeez, like 33 years. I'm pretty safe to say you fucking love it.

I told it, I love it. I fucking, I miss, you know, let me tell you something. There's guys who do this that are famous, and they do it because you know, it's an ex-side line. I do it because I love to do it. I really love me. You do it for a dollar, a $10,000.

And I've done it for four people, and I've done it for $2,700. I mean, you know, I love to do it. There's nothing that makes me feel the way I feel after I get done killing a crowd. I mean, I'm a true, real fucking stand-up comic. I mean, I've made every fucking sacrifice

of my life for this. And I travel and I've been doing it for 33 years, and I just, it's still, look, I'm not a big. I mean, I know a lot of guys. No, not at all. Dude, I fucking love. I love what I see you at the store.

You're limping. You're coming and you look. I remember when I first got to the store. Like, I'm trying to do that audio book. Yeah. So I'm trying to outline my life as chapter one at the store and chapter two at the store. Yeah.

Two different scenarios at the store. Yeah. When I went into the store, the first time I went into the store as a scrub. My eyes open, my mouth shut, just learning, watching. watching, you know, I fell in love with Mitzi, I got to do drugs, I met my wife, and then I left one day. Yeah. And I came back with an audience. Yeah. It was a complete different Joe Diaz than the first Joe Diaz that went in there. Yeah. I went in there a scrub, you know, host, the doorman. Yeah. I was a doorman in the back door on Sunday nights. I drove the band. Me too. You know, this is

the runner job. Yeah, the runner job. I remember the first time I met you. I had, Jim and Schubert. Call you a guy. I'll never forget going to your house. You cooked for me, and there was a Monday night football game on. The Broncos are playing, and I carved the whole series. Dude, he's calling the game. He goes, he's going to run this in. Elway runs in, and he goes, super, I used to call this game. This is what I did.

Dude, it was the greatest thing. We're drinking some red wine. We're eating some chili. We're watching laying around on the floor like a couple of fucking 13-year-olds watching Monday night football. Dude, it was great. It was great. Jimmy was one of my.

I listened to what Jimmy said. He hooked me up with his manager who's still a dear friend today. He just came to my show in Vegas. He had tears in his eyes when he saw me. Yeah, dude, he loves you, man. We love each other. We were like a title. We were Batman's villains.

Yeah. That was the name of our crew. It was like a guy, Billy Gardell, Johnny Sanchez, I think. Johnny Sanchez. He had a group of comedians and then he became like this manager, and I swear to God, bro, You're right. I don't think, like, that guy, I wish I could find a guy like that guy.

Yeah, he doesn't exist today. That's what I said to you. I've never had a person in my career like that since him. Yeah. Did you talk to him in Vegas? Yeah. He's come out to see me a couple times, too. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And he even called me one day, and he's like, are you looking for a manager? This is about two years ago.

And I'm like, I don't really know. He goes, who's doing work for you up at the CIA? Let me get the fucking phone. And I'm like, no. Because his world is all gone. Yeah. Like the people he was doing business with, it's like that scene in the Sopranos

when the inspector comes to inspect the house and the Carmel's father's like, get Pudgy Waters on the phone. And he goes, Pudgy retired eight years ago. Yeah. And he's like, that's what Gett would come back to. Yeah. It's a different world.

His number one nemesis was Judy Brown. Oh, God. Now, Judy Brown would take him and throw him off a building. Yeah. He doesn't even compete in that level no more. So I considered him because I loved him as a manager. Yeah. But you're right.

I think that's what, like he would just talk to fucking people. Yeah. He wouldn't give a shit, dude. I think that's like, hey, well, why can't we? I'm going to do. God bless him. That dude got me a pilot and freaking two development deals. So you're right.

I mean, I thought about it too. But you're right. His world's different now. It's a different. And he was a different type of dude. When he managed, when he called you, he called you to rip your heart out. Like, I still remember being with him in his convertible. One day, he picked me up to meet him for lunch.

We had a meeting with an agent. Yeah. Over by Highland, that old, disgusting building on Highland, as you made the turn up to the 101. Now, it's like fucking beautiful. There was a building there with bums hung out across the street. They saw it born. And I still remember he took me to see that later.

He told me right out. He was, listen. I sent your tape everywhere. At that time, CAA wanted me when I was with him. He's like, this is the weirdest thing. I can't keep him calls from a guy that's CIA for you. But the holidays passed and he switched agents. So I was fucked.

So I still remember one day, Jeff picking me up, meeting him like on Hollywood. And he drove me to this lady's. And they were called the Daniel Hoff agency. Yeah. And the word on the street was the lady had quit, like, you know, CAA or whoever at that time. Yeah. And took her roster to this agent and nobody knew about it.

She was doing great thing. Yeah. And I remember. I know the agency. Yeah. I remember hearing that agency. I remember walking in with him going, I'm not signing with these people. This was an old crickety building.

Yeah. Nobody offered you water. They didn't have, they had like three different things. That's old Hollywood, dude. That's old Hollywood, bro. And you could hear her in there yelling, fuck you.

Get in the audition. Don't call me back. Click. Who's next? And I remember walking in there with Jeff and going, Jeff, I don't want to sign with this lady

because this is your only option. Dude, you tell that out, you know what Gittland did, bro? This is a true story. I was doing a road gig. I'm flying in.

I got a, I got a freaking audition it was for one hour photo that soccer I was playing a soccer coach with Rob Williams is in the movie he picks me up at the airport I throw my bags in his car he drives me to the audition I go in I fucking I did a great audition if I got I wound up getting the fucking job and then he

fucking dropped me off at home I mean that what where do you get a fucking manager like that in Hollywood the guy picked me up at the fucking airport and drove me to the audition I defy any fucking manager

in the industry today I mean that's fucking a manager He picked me up You want to fucking sit there Tell me I need more fucking Twitter followers Go fuck yourself I mean this guy picked me up the airport It was a different world

I learned so much from him That was all bullshit Like the headshot there He despite Yeah He would just call you up You know many auditions he got me with no headshot He was a different dude

He was a different dude And that's why He couldn't last Because The last conversation I had him I heard with him One time on the phone It was not pleasant

But I still remember going to meet Like you have to meet him Once a month at his office Yeah And go over stuff with him and I still remember I hated because you had to park in Century City Mall and walk and cross

and then you had to climb fucking 18 floors up. You know that that girl that answered the phone still worked in that office? Is that funny? That's his father's insurance office, so he shared his father's insurance office with him. Yeah, when we did break up

though, it's like the same thing he said to you about the guy goes, I go Jeff, just get me, he goes shoot me, I called everybody. I said, everybody? He goes, I called everybody, and nobody wants to be in the Jimmy Schuber business. And I was like,

you got fucking balls, bro. At least try to sugarcoat a little bit. Yeah, he didn't play. He goes, I got everybody. I said, nobody wants to be in the Jimmy Schumer. He goes, fucking nobody. And I was like, you know what, Jeff? I go, maybe they don't want to be in a Jeff Gittlin business.

And that has nothing to do with me. Maybe, and so. Towards the end, he was like. Yeah. Because he would, you know, Lee, he would call you and go, hi, Lee, how you doing? And you're like, who's this? This is Jeff Gettlin.

You don't know who I am. I'm a manager, a comedy manager. I've been watching your show on this. This was the most brilliant thing he ever did in front of me. He's like, I've been watching your show on CBS, and I can tell the numbers are going down. Can you imagine getting that call from somebody telling you that your show sucks? I was there.

I was in the office, and he would go, your radios are going down. I watched six episodes of your show. You got that fucking deadbeat. Like, he would just talk like that. You got that deadbeat Jimmy Schubert in there. You know who Lee Syatt is? Lee Syatt's one of the funniest comics working today. As a matter of fact, I think he should ride him into your show.

Lee's doing a showcase tonight, 845 at the improv. I suggest you go, because if not, your show's going to keep tanking. And you're going to lose. I mean, Lee, like that. Yeah. And it would work? Sometimes it works? Yeah, sometimes it would.

Sometimes it did. Sometimes it didn't. He got me auditions with Rona Cress. He got me auditions with people at that time that most people could work 10 years and not get auditions with. Because he would like that fucking, that's why I don't listen to anything.

Why do you think I don't listen to anything? There was a time. That guy had me doing three, four auditions a day. A day. A bad, like, dude, you had to, like, I felt like Beretta. The trunk of my car had a, you know, I could put a wig, a suit coat change.

you look like for anything everything it didn't know i mean you know never ended and it was never like that again i mean there was never i mean he left he took me to alcapulco to tell me yeah he took me the aqua pucco on la siena yeah when they were down the block from the strip club and he bought me lunch and he goes i just want to tell you i'm quitting the management business yeah i'm going to Vegas there's a role for you in it if you want it yeah i'll put you on the billboard and i was like i don't want but it only paid $50 a show yeah you have to do like 18 shows a week and I was like, that's not that. When will I do stand-up? He goes, well, you

could do stand-up on Mondays and Tuesdays. I was like, I don't want to do it. And we stayed friends, but his work ethic always stayed with me. And whenever people would call me and say, I need new head shots, fuck you, sell the fucking

pictures that you got, and when we sell a job, then we'll get new head shots. Yeah, and that would be the end of it. And it was because of Gatlin. All the lessons I learned, even today, I think Gellon would be a little too heavy for today's comedy thing. Yeah. He would have burned, because if he would have had six people,

and he would have told Netflix to go fucking something. Yeah, and I think he, even back then, I think he rubbed people the wrong way, like he said. You know, there's like... I thought he was a sweetheart. I always thought he was the sweetest man in the world. To us he was. But when he got down, he was one of those desert Jews.

When he rolled the sleeves, dog, you were going. You were going. And listen, I did great. he booked me in basketball. Remember, I was in your house. The night before I shot the scene, we drank a gallon of red wine, and we did a lot of other things.

And I remember slipping in bed with my girlfriend. And also she's like, oh, my God, we got to get up. I have to drive you to the Coliseum. She thought I had slept all night. I was up all night. Oh, no. I get to the Coliseum, and they're like, Mr. Diaz, you're the first scene up.

I'm like, I've been coming here for three fucking weeks. Nobody's talked to me. I do 10 8 balls and drink a gallon of red wine Now I'm the first fucking scene up I stunk like fucking dick I look like dick When you see basketball And you see me in that scene

I was up the whole night before snorting up fucking dust And dude I felt so bad for you Because you go oh he's gonna go work on a set Because I kept telling you one more hour Yeah one more line than I'll leave No but you but the third funny thing is It's like usually you go to a set

And you got like four or five hours before I even need you. You go lay down in your trailer. But you're the first scene up, bro. You're the first scene up. I basically went home to take a shower, eat something. No, I didn't even eat nothing. I drank like a beer to make myself come down. And I got in my girlfriend's car and she drove me to the Coliseum.

And I got there and I had to do that whole scene. Fucking not nothing. I still remember them going step on the mark. Mr. Diaz, can you? please go to the mark and I'm like I am at the mark and they're like no and finally thank god some sweet assistant came home she's like no and by the time I had to shoot there was no more roller skates left because I had stole all the roller skates so in that scene I'm supposed to have roller skates on none of us have roller skates on because I couldn't roll the skate when I got the job

they asked me if I could roller skate of course before I get a job I'll tell you whatever you want to Can you do trapeze act? Yeah, we'll figure it out when we get there. If not, we'll hire somebody else. I fucked up. It's the truth. It's the fucking truth. You tell them whatever you need.

Can you do a swan dive? Yeah, I can do a swan dive. The day of the shoot, because at the end, it's like when sons of anarchy called you in. And said, you have to ride a motorcycle. You know how many people went in there and said, do you ride a motorcycle? Yeah.

And then shoot came today, and they're like, I never rode a motorcycle, so they put you on a scooter, and they pull you, and they put the camera high on you. Yeah. And you think, they think you're driving. You're not driving. You're on a puller. They're just pulling you.

And you're like, like, make them believe, that's a scooter that's pulling you. You don't need to learn how to ride a motorcycle. I'm sure that after the first season, Jack's Teller, and some of the regulars, picked up. FX paid for them to get lessons. just to do whatever. But when you take a job,

nine out of ten, you lie to get that job. I just read an article on Yahoo. Chris Malt-Lissanti. Did you read that in The Sopranos? No. Never drove a car. When he got the job at the pilot,

he got a job. He was going to be Tony's driver. Right. He never said nothing to him that he couldn't drive. So when you're watching the soprano pilot and he's driving him to go, did you call that guy yesterday

and fucking, tell him that you were supposed to pick him up and he's like no my mother said i shouldn't even have come to work or they because i was sick and all that shit he didn't know how to drive he ended banging up the car and he goes i'm done i look he looked over at james gandlefinny jim gandle he was laughing and that was what happened that's why i don't i tell people all the time tell them whatever they need to hear dude remember that fucking sign language guy they got next to barack obama doing a nelson mandela thing yeah and the guy's like six from a love on he's doing the fucking sign language thing.

And people watch this going, he's saying the same fucking thing over and over. Like he only had three fucking moves. The guy was like, you know, he's just fucking, he laughed about the sign language. And got right next to the president. Like I'm going, that's fucking insane to me that you can fucking... What about all the sign language now?

How many people got to COVID that are deaf? It seems like every time I watch the COVID, they're talking to deaf people. The chick with the white hair has, a chubby little black girl that's cute. She moves and wiggles. No, they make faces. Like, I was saying to me...

Oh, the skinny guy for Garcetti, he's got to go. Yeah. He's got autism. Well, no. That fucking guy got that. Well, that's part of it. The animation. He's pat for Tard of that guy.

He's making noise. Oh, he's doing little things behind the time. Dude, and I said that my brother, I said... You're fucking bothering me, cocked. I said, did you see the fucking faces to make it? He goes, yeah. You'd be making faces, too, if your fingers were full of shit. Yeah.

That'd be fucking... That'd be fucking... Three four times. I would be having my own good time. I'd be telling people, get the fuck out of the country, abandon ship, buy cocaine at 1-800 cocaine. Get that blow right now. And he's like, are you getting me out?

This guy is a fuck. This guy behind me, he's a big jerk off. I wouldn't trust that. Fauci smells like that ass. How can he be a scientist? 1,800 cocaine. And I guarantee, like, when I see a black sign language, person, I guarantee black people

home going, what the fuck? Have you guys done shows with them on stage? Who? Sign language interpreters. Not a million people. No, no, no, but they do. They do. Some, like colleges and stuff. Yeah, yeah, they do. I got to tell you something, bro. I'm actually, I was going to take an online course. It's not that hard.

You can become a sign language interpreter because you know, in the middle of a fucking pandemic, you're going to work. You know, they said they got fucking, they got people at the city level. We have a draw up to see where you can sign up the sign language. I took two semesters

I'm in college. Did you really? Yeah, because I'm terrible at languages, but it's just English. So you're learning, you're just learning, I can still spell. I don't remember any of the words.

Yeah, because those motherfuckers are killing it right now, bro. Yeah, that's your new job. Well, you could, you go, if you could fucking do that, I mean, you know, you got guys at the federal level that they make pretty good fucking know,

man. And they're always going to need those people. You've noticed. I have my favorite interpreters now. Isn't that funny? I've never seen Cuomo's interpreters. but I'm sorry Caddy's got the skinny guy that looks like

Pauli Kelto's the kid I grew up with and then the chick from the whatever in LA the lady with the stringy hair she was like Carrie's mother yeah yeah she looks like fucking but you see them all and they all do the same you see like you said you got your favorite ones to do it yeah I got my favorite ones

I don't even know what the fuck they're saying but it's just interesting watching them and who the hell you know I mean sometimes it's even a little distracting because you're not watching a guy you're watching the same language person. No, I always do watch the sign language and I listen to the

other lady. You know, I had one of the show because I was doing a benefit and they had one and I was throwing in words like leather chiro just to see what the fuck

she would make up for it. And then I stuck it in a balloon knot and the fucking sign language and come up with the dirties fucking and I said, sausage wall what the same?

What the fuck you do? Jimmy shoes. It's crazy that you've been doing this 33 years. man you've seen it all. Would this bother you if this ended our careers? Like I said, Joey, man, look, I'd have to figure something out, but I will tell you that... You're still part of the Magic Council?

Yeah, yeah, I still do the Magic Council. Dude, I set up my whole dining room. Like, I have this bar, and I moved it away from the wall, and I pulled my dining room table out, and I set up a little kind of like theater so I can work on some shit. It keeps me from fucking going crazy. It's crazy how I have. first time I went to the house I thought we were doing a Santa Ria ritual I seen the two pigeons in the cage

I'm like I didn't know Jimmy was with the Santa Ria I thought we're going to cut some chicken heads off and make some fucking book some rolls and shit but then you told me you were a magician and I was blown away You have your own pigeons? Do you know? I used to. For years I didn't let it go into my mind

that Jimmy Schubert was a magician I love seeing you Because I would have stabbed them I'm not big I'm magician No I'm not I felt bad about it. It was like my dirt little secret. I didn't want to tell people. But when you told me the story, it was one of the greatest,

greatest stories I ever heard, and it sounded a lot like Dice, that you started as a magician, and Dice started as a Travolta impersonation. You know, you look at that and how you started as a magician. You told me

your dad would take you down there, you'd have the cape when you were 14, and you'd do shows. I do shows for the Children's Hospital. 14. That's why I fell in love with fucking performing, because you got a six kids. sick kids were down there and then all these African-American nurses would go you gotta come to her church and so i would do these fucking west philadelphia of your fucking churches they were like my dad's drive me down there with the like he said the doversized tuxedo and he's got his nine

millimeter on we drop off at the back door going to the church and do shows but you know carson was a big fucking johnny carson they have a thing over there like a whole tribute thing to johnny cars but it's i like it man it's just something else to do it's like somebody playing the drums or guitar for me It's just something that keeps me saying if I get to work on something besides fucking cops. Is Doc up there? Doc who? The magician up at the Magic Castle, because I know you got into the Magic Castle. Yeah, yeah, the Magic Castle.

Yeah, the Doc Easton is a guy up there that works. You talk to him? Yeah, once in a while. Tell him your friends with me. All right. He hates me. Why? He hates me.

Why do you find? He hates me. I mean, I got 200 people that hate me. He's got to be in the top three. Really? Yeah. Why? Because he was a magician at the Tower restaurant in Aspen, Colorado in 1983.

The Tower was on. The Tower was on, does he talk about it? No, but I know Doc Easton is a guy that fucking was a Denver, fucking magician. He's like one of these guys. He's one of the greatest bar magicians ever. So, Doc Easton worked at the Tower as a magician during winter season. And what his angle was, was he take a plane? card and then he'd go up to a tourist and go put an amount of money there i'm going to put a thumbtack

under it and there's a rotating fan if i could throw it up and stick it in the ceiling i keep the 20 if it comes down i give you your 20 back plus whatever $20 so every night doc could be out there doing card tricks i'd be in the back dishwasher i was a dishwasher a friend of mine knew i lifted weights and hit the bag. So he goes, work with us on prime rib night. You can eat all the prime rib you want. I'll give you all the mistakes.

That's how I started working at. That was 18. Right. Nothing else going on. Right. So I went up there on Tuesday nights, and we'd do a couple bumps of Coke. And then when I'd have to bring glasses out to the bar,

I'd watch this doc guy, and he'd be doing this to people. All these white people were giving 50s and hundreds trying to show up. When Texans came up, They go up there and let's do it for 200, man. And he would put $2.00 bill, squash him into the thumbtack,

put the ace of spades over, the nine of hearts or whatever number. And he'd do something and it'd stick on the ceiling. Ah, God damn it. So one night after work, you know, I'm stocking the bar. And I look over and I go, I bet I could jump up there and take that $100 bill off the fucking ceiling. So I went to the $100,000 bill off the fucking ceiling.

back of the kitchen made sure everybody was doing that thing and I went out there made like I was putting the bar stools up and I just jumped up and poof I put down the 50 I said fuck it why leave stop there so every night I would pull down like 150 200 bucks nobody knows not even that fucking mutt he didn't notice this went on for about three weeks I was just pulling down 200 a night a hundred and eighty and I'd take a bag of shrimp home. I'd go in the closet and the freeze and just take a bag of shrimp home. I'd go home about 12.30, my roommate would

get up and make garlic shrimp and pasta. Jimmy Berkel, God rest of the soul. I never told me... I never even thought about the fucking money off the walls. Like, if you leave money on the walls, you're a jerk off. You deserve to get it stolen. But he wanted to wait

until the end of the season to take it down and have this big rush for whatever. I must have docked them for a couple grand. And one day I told the story on a podcast, and about a week later, I got an email from like a representative or something. Fuck you. We knew we didn't know who was robbing us. They thought it was a different dishwasher after 30 years.

And they just put together that I was the criminal up there in 1983. I had destroyed that whole system. I'm not proud of it, but it happened. I got to tell you before somebody else tells you. Yeah. and so somebody came to me about a year ago at the store and was like, man, I went up to the comedy castle and I mentioned your name.

Oh, did I get an ear look? So next time you see him, go up to him real casual, and then just drop. Joey Diaz sends his love, and watch it that motherfucker's going to say it. Oh, that's hilarious. You know our boy, Zach Waldman, he works, does any Bravo's thing that, but he's also, he works out there.

I did a show with him at Foppers. Yeah, yeah, he works. He works up there all the time, regular basis, but that's so funny. You'd love to hear that story about Docis. You know me, Doug. I tortured everybody at one time. No, I know, dude. But, hey, you know what?

We're different people now. We've grown. Yeah, no. That was 1983. And listen, it wasn't just me. Then I turned everybody else on. The Mexican little dishwashers were like, fuck him too. They were each clipping.

By the end of March, there was nothing left. I think I left. I started working. him there, November 15th, and I left February 1st, and I think the last week was the week I got him even heavier, that they started noticing, hmm, something's going on with the money up here. In three months you can't handle the money. Oh, I probably got him for a couple grand. I can't wait to see him up there, because I did see him up there once in a while.

I go to Friday. He's got to be 70. No. Hey, man. Listen, that guy. He's got to be, if I was 18, he probably was 26. Yeah, he's, he's, he's, he's, it looks good for his age, but you're right, he's probably about 70s, probably like 60s, early 70s. It's crazy, I was friends with him and another great friend of yours, uh, Joe DeLion.

Joe the Lion. Another great magicians of the world. I saw that guy. Where? When I was 16 years old. Oh, I thought recently. No, I've seen, he's down in St. Pete. He's down in Florida, but I saw Joe the lion when I was a kid.

And I'm fucking telling you, it was one of the best fucking shows. He sword swallowed. He did fucking mind reading. I mean, he was like, that guy was like college entertainer a year, like three or four years running. I mean, he was, Joe DeLion was a fucking monster, dude. I watched that guy. And then I got to work with him many years later at the Penny Arcade in Jersey with Ben Creed, me, and Joe DeLion was there. He booked it.

I sat with Joe. and I talked to him, I told him about that thing. What a great guy. He was a good guy. No, he was a great guy. Where was Ben Creed? Ben lives in Arizona. Not too long ago, me and him just did,

about a year and a half ago, we did the Atlanta punchline again. I mean him to the two headliner showdown. He still works? Yeah, dude. Hilarious. I mean, he's got, yeah, he was always one of the funniest. But he's got, he's got, dude, one of the funniest,

fucking lines on his album. He's getting heckled, by this woman. And he goes, and he's just going on. You get a lady, if they had a contest to find the world's biggest cunt, you would come in second. He goes, why would I come in second?

He goes, because you're such a cut. Like, it was one of the whites. But Ben Creed, that just one. Send him my love. No, did I. I mean, he's one of those guys. He was just like, he was a monster. He was a monster 20 years ago.

So I can't imagine what he's doing now. Yeah, yeah. I still doing it, but like, you know, those guys, like, you know, like you said, man, these guys love it. You know, it's like, you slow down a little bit. You get older. It's still like a young man's game where you travel like you used to now. But, I mean, you're still doing it, still being able to make a living.

You know, a lot of these cruise ship guys are screwed for a year. That cruise ship industry ain't coming back anytime soon. And there were some guys that were just making their living exclusively on cruise ships. I mean, that industry is, you know, fuck. So I think those guys may rethink some stuff. you're right. It's going to change some stuff for sure. Now the album comes out May 15th. Yeah,

the album comes out May 15th. Where was this tape? This was tape, believe it or not, Flappers. I did the album on Friday night and I recorded my special which is on my website. It's zero tolerance. This is the audio from it's two different shows. But I listen to

this album. I literally had like four editing notes. I'm telling you, bro, I'm my own worst critic. I think this is my best comedy album I've ever done in my life. It's a monster the writing I put into it so look it drops May 15th

on all the streaming platforms iTunes everything. People get a chance to check it out. I think it's one of my best comedy albums. I'm really proud of it. I can't wait for it to come out. I can't wait for people to hear it. When it comes to my own fucking shit, I'm a motherfucker.

And so I was like, wow. I don't even stop to like 22 minutes in and take a breath. And I take a breath. And that just goes 57 minutes of nonstop. You know what the, that old school fucking stand-up, man. Netflix was great. But it took away.

And now the country's starting to see it. That unless you're a fucking idiot. Netflix is great. And the comics on Netflix are great. But I don't want you just to rely on that. There's a whole herd of comedians that Netflix won't do business with for whatever reasons they have that are just as funny. or funnier than all those motherfuckers on Netflix,

except for maybe fucking Bill Burr. But I never want you to think that Netflix is the end-all-be-all guys. There's guys out there that have been doing comedy for 30 years that'll make your fucking asshole blow up. All right, from Jimmy Schubert to Dave Attell to Vicney Beto. Oh, yeah. Just not because they're on your favorite little faggy fucking podcast. I'm talking about when you get sick and tired of watching all these podcasts,

including myself. Go check these guys if you're a real comedy fan. Guys like Jimmy Schubert. Guys like Rich Voss. Guys like David Tell that nobody's talking about. David Tell is my favorite. David Tell. There's so many guys out there, Ben Creed. Ben Creed was dangerous

20 years ago. Could you imagine the damage Ben Creed must be doing today? And you're over there looking at two fucking idiots on fucking Netflix because they got a nice shirt. on. Yeah.

It's time you You mentioned Vic D. Betoetto. He's another guy. It's time to you, if you haven't

learned anything from the podcast is they had you brainwash with Comedy Central for 20 years and they thought they were all the comics they were

and also the podcast fucking opens up and you guys get to introduce to real comics. You're like, what the fuck is Comedy Central?

Been showing us. They've been showing us fluff for fucking 20 years. Then comedy, then fucking the podcast came along and you got introduced

to them. that Netflix came along and you got introduced to those cats. Don't ever fucking just think that those are the guys that they're out there doing it. You get on YouTube, you're bored, you type up Victi Bittetto, you type up Jimmy Schubert, you type up fucking Ben Creed. Bobby Slate, wait a thing, Bobby Slateen got less funnier? No, he got older and angrier.

Now he's saying racial slurs outward. He don't give a fuck. You know, now is when you go cast these guys. Remember when Rudy was here and told me that I had to go cats to legends before they died? Now I can't. I did go see Guns and Roses and I did go see Pat Benatar. And I was exposed to a whole different world to help me to be a better comic. Yeah.

So don't just sit there in your house watching fucking Netflix thinking this is the N-R-B-all. Those comics are great. I love them. Half of them are dear friends to me. But if you're a real comedy connoisseur, Jimmy Schubert, Rich Voss. You know, these are the guys that have been doing it that maybe because they don't have a fancy podcast or maybe because they're not good at social networking, you haven't paid attention to them. Change your shit around, you dumb motherfuckers.

Look what you learned from the podcast. Comedy Central was selling you shit. They've been selling you shit to 20 fucking years. Then we came along. Go ahead. Look at Comedy Central now. They had a pre-draft the fucking David Spade Show. Like they got rid of the David Spade Show.

How to show in the world? They got to look for another house. They do moves that only like They might as well join with New England You know what I'm saying? Yeah The New England's management Might as well join up with Tom and get rid of David

And get rid of fucking Tom Brady I would have put a gun to his fucking head And said I will shoot your cunt in the pussy You are staying right here in New England Until the end. Whether you like it or not You're not going nowhere Yeah

The only way you leave here is with Corona A bull in your head Or Lawrence Taylor Make a comeback and breaks your leg You're not going nowhere. And Greg Kowski, don't you start? Because I'll fucking hit you with a crane, you big fuck. You'll be squeezing oranges in a fucking that.

In a fucking Mexican die bar in Tijuana, you fuck. Both of you. You don't let your people go like that in the time of whatever. I'm ashamed. Everybody in this country is excited for football, except the New England people. They're sitting up there getting with corona. They don't want the corona. Half of them are in the streets.

Give it to me. Because I can't live without Tom Brady and ruck. What the fuck is that little short guy That like right now Right now if you're a Boston guy You want to kill that guy I got the angle Hire yourself a hot little Chinese girl

With gloves on To just knock on his door Because he loves those little Chinese head jobs What's the name? Robert Kraft to do anything For a little chinky winky handjob You say give me the Robert Kraft Give me the Robert Kraft

Extra dry with no eye contact That motherfucker I feel so bad My heart goes off so bad to Boston right now. Yeah. My heart, I grew up of Boston, everything.

I love everything. I respect Celtics. I can't wait. Fucking Michael Jordan, that thing has been tremendous. But, you know, this whole thing,

you left the city that doesn't give a fuck about football no more. Wow. Yeah, that's, you took away their heart and their kidney. They're walking on

half of fucking New England Patriots on a coma machine right now, wishing they could die. Filthy, now, again,

I don't know what Edelman, Edelman. Edelman. He went down there, Gronk went down there. Edelman left, too. No, Edelman's still here. Oh, yes. Give him time. No, I thought I heard a rumor.

Yes, give him time. He's a Jew. Don't give him an envelope that'll make his headspin. Don't send him a beanie stuff with a hundred-dollar bills. That's like an old Israeli message. That's like when you put the fish in the thing, he sleeps with the fishes. That's what crap is going to get next, though.

Yamika. With a $100 bill means give a settlement. It's so funny you were talking about going to see that. I remember, like I was at Brad Garrett's Club. I had done it before the thing in it. But Brad, I told him, I said, I saw him open for Sinatra at the fucking Sands. Back when I was work with Kinnison at the fucking dunes. And we had an off night.

And he goes, hey man, I got some fucking tickets. He goes, he's Sinatra. You want to go? And he was like, you know, his girls and his security got one extra out. Nobody want to go, yeah, I'm going to fucking see Sinatra. We got to sit in a fucking booth, watch Sinatra do a fucking line. And Brad Garrett fucking open for him. I go, listen, I don't want to date you or me.

But I said, I watched you fucking open for him. And, like, you know, he goes, oh, yeah. Dude, that's what I love when you do Brad Garrett's club. He's got all the history, like his contracts, pictures with Sinatra, all the stuff. I mean, that guy's had an amazing fucking career. but what a nice guy. What a great, Greg. I love doing it.

I worked with him on the showtime thing. I spent a couple days of them. I didn't know what to expect. I love to get him on the show. He's got a, he's a great guy, Brad Garrett. Oh, yeah. Jimmy, two shoes, the 15th of May. 15th of May.

So that's the fucking, we're going to call it the fucking COVID CD of the month. Hey, man, got to keep fucking working. That's going to bail people out of the fucking month. Keep dropping knowledge, baby. Where do they find it? You go, well, there'll be a big announcement at jimmy shubert.com, but it'll be on iTunes. It'll be everywhere. They stream.

It's called Zero Tolerance. May 15th, mark the calendars. It's a solid fucking hour of fucking straight stand-up. Set up punchlines and callbacks. So, yeah, check it out, and you'll be happy you did. Brother, I'm happy you came in this Monday morning. Hey, man, thanks for having me, Uncle Joey, man.

You know, I love you, brother. Real quick, for all you fucking savages. we're trying to get healthy here and we're trying to keep all our fucking spades, what do you call them? Aces, aces in our pocket. So do me a favor. Start today. CBDline.com right now.

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and get ready to make some money. Who's better than you? Nobody. Now, I did something last week that was very disrespectful on the podcast. And I apologize to my professional people, but we're going to make up for it right now. now. I had a guest on, but it's corona season

so I didn't want to insult anybody and rip out of the bottom. But in honor, me, Lee, and Jimmy Schubert are going to do a quick Z-100 pack. This is 100 milligrams with vitamins in it, melatonin, to help you take a nice nap

and out of respect, and I'll never do it again to you guys. I promise from the bottom of my heart. I think we had these on that day, didn't we? No, we didn't do shit. I didn't do an edible all I didn't do an edible till last night. I did one little capsule and I was fine. No, we didn't do shit. I think it gave it to me then.

I remember having it. No, you didn't have nothing. So I didn't want you to think that we're weak. We have no dates, okay? I have no dates. I have June 4 through the 6th and Bray. I don't know if it's going to happen. If you want to come, you come.

If you don't want to come, I'm which. I don't want you to be scared or be worried. But this all goes to you motherfuckers on the uh for 420 I have respect to you guys for being the best church family in the world Salute you can't walk on one leg

bitches have a great day thank you very much have a great week and we'll be back Wednesday to rock your fucking world kick this motherfucker mulee