The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #782 - Joey Diaz on the Crazy Last Month and Plans for the Future

Episode Date: April 29, 2020

Joey Diaz congratulates us for making it through the first two months of quarantine. Joey talks about being accused of something he didn't do, and apologizing for the things that he did. Joey also talks some of his plans for when he can perform again.  This podcast is brought to you by: CBD Lion - For all of your CBD needs, from shatter to gummies, go to www.CBDLion.com and use code CHURCH for 20% off.   Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH at checkout for a 10% discount on your first order.  

Greetings from Podcastville. It's Wednesday, the 29th of fucking April. We did it, Coxsuckers. The church of what's happening now is brought to you by CBD Lion. Listen, when it comes to CBD oil, tincture, gummy bears, bad salts. I can't keep fucking telling you. That number one. Go to their website, CBDLion.com.

Take a look at the third party test results. This is not that fucking shit you're buying. at a gas station. This is CBDline.com. Press in church and get 20% off your order. The podcast is also brought to you by the old originals. Onit.com. Listen, when it comes to supplements, I'm back on it. And as you could tell, you could see the noticeable effect that my mind is going back because I do the alpha brain in cycles. I was a little down and loominy there for a couple weeks. They sent me that hemp. You know what? My workouts are a lot better. I feel a lot better. Last week I did more Weight Watcher burn points and I've done the whole fucking, uh, the whole quarantine. So, hats off

to Onit. Listen, whether it's Shroom Tech, Shroom Tech, Immune, Shrotech sport, that's a shit you should be thinking about right now in these days when you're trying to build your immune system because every little bit helps. Go to honor.com right now and press in. Church, get 10% off delivered to your motherfucking crib. Kick this mother. fucking Mulee. Oh shit. It all starts fucking to that direction.

No more fucking excuse. This is the year of the fucking soldier. We're going in like fucking Marines. You understand me? Welcome to church, motherfucker.

Oh yeah. You motherfucking did it. Congratulations. April 29th, 2020. You did it. You just did 45 days out of a 60-day

fucking term. Yeah. Let's congratulate yourself. You did something. You never thought you'd fucking do. You just did 60 days. So next time the judge said 60 days, you're like, well, Joey, I've been home since March 15th. Yeah, 45 days, 15 days for good behavior. So they give you 45 days. What the fucking thing you're dealing with? You accomplished it. You fucking did it.

Six weeks ago, you sat there. What am I going to do? I'm going to lose this. I'm going to lose that. Look, you're still here. Don't get me wrong. Some of us have problems because on the way out of jail, they're going to grab his by the shirt and go. You got 15 more days. California, for one. And New York has extended their fucking thing until June 1st, so you motherfuckers on the way out, they're going to come

grab you by the shirt and go, hey, you fucking bitchlapp a woman in 1984? You all was 30 days for that. Get in that fucking hole. But for right now, you guys, you did your 45 days. The worst part of this thing is over. Where are you at? Are you in jail? Are you

fucking sucking dick for fucking money are you jumping up and down? No. You're still the same person you are. All that fear, the anxiety, all the thoughts about money. There's no debtors prison. We did it. We just did a 60-day bit. How fucking happy am I'm over here smoking a joint like

a fucking doctor? You understand me? I can't believe I survived. I wouldn't survive in prison. You're not out of the weeds yet. Things got died after two weeks. I got a little old man down the corner and need some company. You know what I'm saying? They kicked him out of the nursing home.

He's got money. He's COVID-free. He's looking to talk to little boys in the afternoon. I told him I'll drop you off a little hat with a propeller. Just sit on his lap and talk about the birds and the bees, whatever you want. But all jokes aside, look at that. We're here. And I know some of you got your unemployment check.

Some of you got your stimulus check. Another year's got dick, and you're in a bad position. And you know I fucking sympathize with you. I've been there. I've slept in a fucking rocket ship. And this is the exciting point. is getting ourselves out of that. You guys know the last couple weeks

I've been a little bit under the fucking weather. I've got no reason to lie to you. I'm an old fucking man. This thing can take over. I'm an old man that's a fat fuck. I'm a COVID candidate. Before I went for a walk today, I swear to God, mine in my own business.

I got my iPod. I'm listening to Sound Garden Super Unknown. I got the speakers on. I'm just walking. I usually take a walk down to the main street and I hook a U-turn. Then I mix into a park and I walk home. And every day I take a little.

little longer route. Every day I take a little bit longer, an extra block, and that's how you build your endurance and shit, even though my leg hurts or whatever. So I'm listening to the music. I'm getting into fucking spoon man, the whole deal. I'm coming around a turn, and who walks in front of me? This chick that's chubby. Again, I ain't got none against people. I ain't got none against chubby chicks. But you know you're a COVID-a. You know what I'm saying? A future co-vitter.

Why are you walking in my path? Now I'm breathing your fat little cells but I don't fucking want it because they're, you know, the same thing, I don't want you breathing my fat fucking cold fit cells. If I'm walking in front of you, just stagger. Stagger. I see people doing that a lot. It's our natural instinct.

There's some of us that are attracted to other people, and there's some of us that naturally we're introverted and we don't want to be close to people by no means. I'm one of those people. I live in both areas. I live in both areas. When I'm having an anxiety, or I'm panicking.

I don't like people close to me. But, you know, if I'm having a good time where they'd have a party, yeah, you want people close to you, but in these times, they're telling you, don't even get close. Like, at six feet, and even then, I'm worried. Yeah, some people are losing their minds.

I'm keeping fights online. People are taking it seriously and some aren't, like, aren't. And, like, people are causing issues. You're taking away people's livelihoods. Yeah. Okay. I didn't expect this to be good.

Children, this. Listen, this runs down the line to being a child. My child has our days. Me and my wife do everything we can in our power to keep her laughing, giggling, smiling. You know, I've become a principal of a school. I just set up a meeting with her and her little girlfriend from Jersey and they're riding bikes and they're bringing things they can do from far away from each other. and the wives are together

and they got masks on and they're 10 feet away my wife just called me before I came here and at least the kid is out and she gets to see other kids Yeah, I read an article about that today I think it was the New York Times or something and have like a lot of people

are just abandoning school, they're just not doing it A lot of kids aren't going in Which is a lot of kids, she's in the first grade That's crazy. My mom would have made me do it They would have made you do it But maybe your parent, listen I don't think what the school system's doing is that We're helping her around it.

Yeah. You know, we work with her around it. Last time I had to read three books. So I'm trying my hardest. What do you have to do if, like, you're one of the people who actually has to go to work and then your kids are at home? This is the life that people are experiencing. Yeah. Now, this is the life that people are experiencing.

This is going to change our lives forever. But, hey, who gives a fuck? For right now, we did 60 days in the pen. Yeah. Some of years are sprung loose. Oklahoma. you go out there cough it up and have a good fucking time

you know fuck it take a chance Columbus did that's our motto here go breathe on a hooker see what you'll see what your odds are but the other ones take care of yourself it's hey everybody has different needs and different situations

I'm not the one to tell you what to do or what not to do it if you don't feel you should wear a mask today we have no guest it's Lee and I we've been around each other for the last seven years and the door is open I'm not wearing a mask I don't know if you know guys know it how hard of this to sit here and do a podcast with a mask on for a fucking hour. You ever suck a fucking death asshole?

That's what your mouth tastes like after an hour doing a podcast with a fucking mask on. So starting Monday, I'm doing a new series. It's still the church, but I'm just interviewing my childhood fucking friends. I'm going back and interviewing three or four of my childhood friends to start this thing over again from a different perspective. I can't get guests like this. And, I mean, people contact me to be on their friends. show and I tell them to go fuck themselves. How can I call somebody? They expect them to come

down here with the situation. How bad would you feel if somebody came to your house and got a little fucking sick? You wouldn't feel too fucking happy. Awesome people we calling you the COVID kid. There was a guy that had COVID. I swear to God. Now, I know this guy personally from Denver. He's a comic, great friend of mine. I love him to

that. He was walking past something. He saw them fucking were doing testing. The lady asked him if he wanted to test. This moron walks over. Gives him a test. He's healthy as a fucking ox. And they tell him he's got COVID.

So he runs home. He's been home for 14 days. On the 15 days he prepares an invite and he puts it on Facebook. I'm having a party. Free booze, free food, come on over. You should have seen people declining.

People weren't just going to decline it. People tell him to go fuck himself. He just had COVID. How can they have a party? I mean, it was, it's hysterical what you see. You know, I have been trying to stay offline as much as possible. I do my morning postings and I get the fuck out of there. Between the TV and the fucking internet, they're going to kill you guys.

Guys, I was feeling a, you know, I had the fear, a thing going on. And then on top of that, I had the extra stress. and I know for a fact that nothing will kill you like stress nothing nothing will kill you than staying up at night and worrying that shit will kill you quicker than cancer that should kill you that that just weighs down on your heart so once you take that that's why when I wrote the obituary it took everything off it took all the pressure off the worst than that happens to me is I could die

but I'm not dying I'm not going nowhere I fucking I fucking swam in the Hudson I got my dick sucked by a nasty check one time with a cold sore. If I was going to die, I was meant to die 18 years ago. I lived through a fucking yeast infection in 1991, through a fungi toenail, lung infections. If Keith Richards doing it, I'm doing it. I'm going for it. I don't give a fuck.

And comedy-wise, I'm going for it. You know, I was sitting here the other day beating myself up like you guys, do it home. And I fucking yell at you, and here I am doing it myself. I'm beating myself up like I'm not doing comedy no more. I'm 58. I'm an old man. Fuck that thought. I'm riding this wind out.

In fact, I called my manager-agent last night, and I told him, do me a favor. Book me into Breyer Improvis as a residence. I'll start on Tuesday night, $20 tickets just to get you motherfuckers out of the house. It's going to be like 100 seats, tops. They seat 400. How many seats can you put in there?

Everybody's going to be shut down. 65% they're going to lose of their showrooms between the social spacing, which I'm happy about. Because, again, even the comedy clubs got greedy. making you sit there with somebody you don't know. I don't ever want to sit at a table with a motherfucker I don't know and drink drinks. That's never going to happen. I don't care how much I like the girl if the girl wants to blow Elvis.

We go to a bar and I got to sit next to two people on a four top. I don't know them. I'm getting out of here. Yeah, I agree with you. Like I'm getting out of here. You know, comedy clubs got their wake-up call. Imagine being a person by themselves like me. I agree to shows alone.

Everybody got their wake-up call. And the words of Paul Mooney. everybody got that nigger wake-up call rich poor black white Spanish this thing fucked everybody's world up Walt Disney the Knicks JetBlue everybody got fucked in the ass here so do not feel bad about your stimulus check or what's going on in your life I'm smoking reef like a motherfucker I know you told me yesterday you have a new saying for during the pandemic what's that for reefer what's that it starts earlier now Oh yeah, it starts early.

If you're in high by 12, go fuck me, mother. Two o'clock is a thing of the past. This is a pandemic. You know what I'm saying? Rules change. I think we did like 200 milligrams at like 2 p.m. yesterday or something. Speaking of which. I just fell asleep.

There you go. Oh, Jesus. I got you a daytime mix today because I didn't want you to get upset. No. Joey keeps giving me the nighttime mix. These quickies are fucking, let's toast. Let's toast in the 45 days. I've been in the house

since March fucking second I don't know by you cox suckers I went out on March 7th to do a fucking watch a UFC and I went out another night to do a fucking podcast I've been in 30 fucking nights I'm done I'm ready to bust but that doesn't mean I'm gonna go to the park

and jump up and down in that COVID water that's never gonna fucking happen that's not gonna happen so and it's been a hell of a month I know you've had your ups your downs you've had doubts you've had a thousand things Things go through your mind.

I had the month of hell. I got accused like 18 things this month. I tell you got accused of cheating on my wife. No, you did not. Remember the night that Bert, Bert was doing a video for Tom Segura. Okay. Okay?

And he fucking says, I don't know what he posts on Twitter. I'm high as fuck. My wife goes to bed. I got on Twitter about 10 o'clock. And Bert posts, I'm looking for any porno girls to do a video. Yeah.

So it just so happens I follow I follow the fuck I follow Holly hot wife Okay Who's a dirty filthy fucking animal She has videos on there I'm sucking dicks through holes in walls Oh shit And all this shit

Every time I open up Twitter It's her fucking four guys Bouncer in Texas She's a fucking savage She came up to the store About three months ago And she said hello Kate Quigley introduced it to me

Because she came one of Kate's shows in Texas Okay. And Kate said she was showing the titties at the show and driving people crazy. Damn. She'll just fuck you. She makes videos of herself. Like, they're on Twitter. You don't have to go anywhere.

They're on Twitter. The electrician fixing something, and her playing with a pussy in the room. And the electrician's trying to fix something. He looks over at it and she's playing with a pussy. And the poor guy's like, how did I get involved in this? Then she makes him fucking suck a dick.

She's nuts. So Burke goes, do you know any porn girls? Like he made a general call and I go, yeah, go with Holly Hotwife. She's a fucking, she's a Georgia peach and she's got the hottest pussy in Texas.

Not because I tasted it or not because I knew, but because look at it. It's right there in front of you. It's getting fucked right in front of you. Oh my God. I got 20 things. My wife got hit up on Facebook. No. Yeah. So by who by random Twitter people?

Oh, fuck that. That's great. Disrespectful. You've been retweeting porn girls for years. Because, listen, it's like the chubby girl from Boston. I like, Jamie. I love Jamie. You know why I love Jamie?

You know why I blew Jamie up? I'm going to tell you why I blew Jamie up. Because two days, I'll bless you. There's another one there for you. That one's empty. Thank you. That's pretty good, actually. I blew up Jamie because there was so many girls for a couple days

that were just asking for money. Right. Did you see those? Only fans accounts and stuff? Not even Only fans. Oh, they're asking from, oh, yeah. Vidmo or whatever. Yeah, Venmo, yeah.

Vindmo from my car. I'm the type of dude, I hope anybody. But I'm like Bill Hicks. I want the most from my bum quarter. Yeah, get something. If there's two bums and I'm going to get one of them a quarter, I want one of them to have a talent. Dance, jump, light your ear on fire.

It was something. I want the most out of my bum dollar. Now, am I looking for a girl to show me her pussy? You know me. If you want to show me that little back, of life. I'm not going to look away like the Lewis C.K girls. If they looked at this dick through their fingers.

Right. I'm not going to do that, but I'm going to look at it, but I'm not going to, you know. Look, you can see a thousand people on the computer. I'm not going to fucking incite you for that. So here's this girl from like close by that comes to the comedy store, begging for money. She's like

a fucking seven. She's cute. And I look at Jamie, who's got a really pretty face. She's just a little bigger than most girls, but she's voluptuary. She's got a great ass And she's out there doing video She's not showing it She does stand up

Ten minutes topless But she won't show her pussy She won't show her ass A guy like me respects that Yeah A guy like me says you know what Here's a motherfucker that's hustling She's not slutting

She's hustling And people who are super You don't even want to know How much money she's made Good for her And thank God God bless her Yeah But she's not showing her pussy

She's very decent She's not showing her pussy She's showing her tetties. You know what? Teddy's like me showing me your balls. You've seen one set. You've seen them all. I guess, but I think

a more popular than balls. You go deep into that monkey. You show me that little bell. That's completely fucking different. Now you're a fucking dirty animal. Okay, fair enough. But it wasn't about that. It was just the fact that you mentioned

Holly Hot-wife. And what did they say? People like Joey, we listen to the podcast. We don't know you cheat on your wife. Who said anything about cheating? And then I learned a lot about broadcast. I've learned a lot about media. I've learned a lot about turning people's words around.

Yeah. Recently. I've learned a lot about just, you know, I don't, and listen, you guys know my book is an open fucking heart at this point. I don't give a fuck. It's out there. The stories are out there. If you want to hear them, I like these messages I get on Facebook.

Joey, can you tell me a little bit about yourself? Go on on the podcast. Then they'll call back and go, I just listen to the one with Raygo when you put the garbage bricks in the thing. So what do you want to know about my life? That's the type of guy. Right. You know? No, it's a scary.

That's always, that's something I'm worried about. The twist of words in today's internet is a nightmare. But it's not just the internet. It's reporters have been doing it for years. They turn the tone of something. something around. I didn't turn it as a tone that I had slept with her at no, no, I never said that. My tone was, look at her. She's a hot piece ass. You can see her videos on there all the time. When I stuck up for Jamie, I'll call Jamie right here in front of you right now and ask

her Jamie. Have I haven't gotten fresh with you? I don't want to see her pussy. I applaud what she's doing because she's not staying at home waiting for a fucking handout. That's never going to come. And I love it, especially, like, it would be so out of character for you, not only to just cheat on your wife, who you've had on the podcast, but then be to, like, put it out there online. Like, if I had anyone who I, like, who would be good at keeping a secret? But I think Joey, I think Joe would be pretty good at not putting his business out there. Well, listen, bro, I got 500 stories I tell, and I got a thousand I can't tell.

Right, exactly. You know, now that I got this deal with audio boom with the audio book. I'm going to tell those stories. Oh, yeah. I'll have to cut them down a little bit. I can't say the names. I have more stories that you could ever, and this, this situation, the last couple of weeks, me being quarantined and me going to places in my mind where I haven't been.

Trust me, guys, to get out of this fucking anxiety I have when I'm doing it, the only way to reward myself is to write this down and give it to you in the audiobook. because I'm going to give you real feelings of what I went through at that time. Remember, I've been to prison and I'm an only child. Quarantine doesn't affect me like it affects other people. Right. I could have, you know, I could have a thing going on in my mind. Like, I've done everything that I sat off to do this break.

I still haven't cleaned the bookshelf yet. But everything else pretty much I wanted, cleaned out no bookshells. I looked at material, got rid of it on the computer. I wasn't creative. There was no creativity out of me in March. The creativity didn't start coming out of me until about April 18th. That's what I could really feel it. I've fallen a lot better.

I went back on the alpha brain. You know, I hadn't been on alpha brain in like three or four months. I went back on the alpha brain and I really started writing and I really started looking at the silver lining and I found it I found it with the audio boom you know I put my summer together my plan was right now we're going for the survival today what are we going to do today okay what's going to happen 30 days from now mayor Garcetti is going to announce a 15 more day the governor Newsom is going to announce 15 more days for us and for New York that puts us at June fucking first.

Texas is already opening up some comedy clubs, May 27. Nashville is not allowing live entertainment. They are open. The restaurants are open. Interesting. But right off the bat. So we all have to wait before they make moves. And this just has nothing to do with comedy.

This applies to you guys. You guys know what I'm talking about. That you don't really know what's going to happen. Are you going to go back to your office? Are they going to take half years and put you in the office? Do you see what new office is in? Anybody see 60 minutes and see what the new offices are going to look like? How are you going to sit down in an office?

You can only walk on one direction. There's going to be arrows on the floor. Really? Telling you what direction you're going. We all have to be prepared for this. Half of years, do you really have to go into work? No. Okay.

Then do everything from home. Oh, well, we need those files. We'll download them. We don't even go to files anymore, like old files. No, yeah, it's all online. So all these things are going to happen. So be prepared for me talking about, you know, there's people at home struggling working at home.

Yeah, sure. They've never had somebody not being over their back. It was, I'm still not great at it. I'm better than when I started five, six years ago. But it's a definite skill. Because you go in and other people, you don't want to be the one guy like looking at your phone. So being at home,

Just by yourself was hard. I can't imagine being home with a family or a roommate. What, in quarantine? Yeah. This has taught me to love my wife again. Not that I didn't love her, but I've fallen in love with her when you go through something together with another human being,

let's say two roommates. Let's say you were roommates with a person right now that you did not get along with, that you were about to evict. Right. before this pandemic happened. And now you have to stay in within two months. And now you got to see the different side of him.

And he got to see the different side of you. And you actually like each other. And you've had to talk to each other every day. I know for a fact things like that have happened. I know for a fact that some men, that's why there's no alcohol in my house. Some men and women have a couple beers. You know, there's financial stresses.

and one of them says, you know, Lee, you shouldn't acquit that job. Oh, now this is my fault. I was supposed to know that fucking Wuhan was going to release the flu in fucking February, you know. So there's animosity right now going to homes in my world. Everything is forgiven. During this pandemic, everything is fucking forgiven. Let's try to do the best we can. I'm not going to lie to you.

I'm a father or husband just like you guys are listening to podcasts. Tell me the first two weeks. Look me in the fucking eyes. and tell me the first two weeks you didn't think you were going to stab your wife. Remember that second week when you were sitting at home and all of a sudden you're on the computer and you're like, domestic violence is up and you're like, man.

Man. And all of a sudden something happened. You started talking to your wife or your girlfriend and you saw that side of her that we took for granted for a long time because this is what all this is about. The things we've taken for granted for the longest time. how easier it was for us to order grub up. Have you ordered grub up?

A couple times. I've snapped recently. Okay. So, you know, this is what I'm saying to people. This is also going to teach you what you can live without. Yeah. This is also going to let you know what you can live without. You were paying 215 to go to that club every month.

Now you're doing a work at home. You're doing it better. You feel better. Maybe I'll save the $2,000. $15. There's nothing better to finding out the things you can live without. That's always fantastic. Finding out what you can live without.

And all of a sudden, you're like, fuck that. I'll never do it again. You know, when I didn't do Coke for 28 days and all of a sudden one day I said, well, I haven't done Coke for 28 days. I'm going to go get some Coke. I'm like, really? Do I really want to go get some Coke? No, I don't.

I already got 28 days into my fucking belt. Yeah. I mean, I, I, I think for over a month straight, So my credit card bills were way down. You look at other stuff, like the stores that are closed, like, oh, do we really need that store? Or do I really like, do I really need to go to the mall and buy a new DVD this week? You know, all those palm readers are closed in Hollywood. How many people are going to go to a palm reader?

Nobody saw this. Yeah. Who went into a palm read? And the guy said, listen, in six months, I see a Wuhan, whatever, come in and fucking destroy America. Nobody called this. So all those fucking fortune towers are out of business. Burglars are having a hard time. Burglars are even filing for unemployment.

That's so funny. Burglars are walking. Because you know how I know? Because I walk around now in the daytime. And I'm like, if I was a burglar looking for a house, everybody's home. Everybody's home. I'm fucked.

Burglar's a filing for unemployment. That's how bad things are. And they're allowing them. They'll give it to you. Fuck it. As long as you're not robbing houses, we'll give you unemployment, whatever the fuck you want to do.

That's wild. Burglars are in bad business right now. But car breakings are up. Please, lock your cars. Don't put change in your car. Don't leave a dollar bill in the circle of the car. They'll break a window to get a dollar, and it's going to cost you a $5.00 deductible.

Don't leave change in your front seat. Don't leave bags in your car. Don't be that fucking stupid. If they want to break into the car for water, they're going to get water, a manual, and a registration. That's it. You break into my car. There's nothing. There's batteries from my ear plugs, from my hearing aids, and there's a lighter in there in case I need to smoke a joint on the road. You're not going to get nothing. Yeah. There's no. What things in my car? Pound of weed hidden. I got nothing in there. I don't know.

No, I got nothing in there. Now, this has been a very, very interesting month, and I'm happy you guys made it true. That's it. Do you think they have, like, telethons for the criminals? They help each other out? Leave me alone, Blake. Nobody helps each other out. Look at these comedians. Two telethanos. They're still waiting to pay the fucking rent. That's true. You know what I'm saying?

They're still paying the fucking, they're waiting to pay their rent. So nobody knows when the money's coming. That's why I advised everybody to take your tickets back. Cancel the fucking money. Now you can't get your ticket back for no concerts, can you? Right? Now they're saying, well, they haven't canceled yet.

Well, 18 people walking around here with fucking mask around. They can't breathe. What do you think? People are going to fly down to fly. to go see you on June 18th, so now you don't have no money. I told you eight weeks ago. Get your money back from any show you can. You don't give a fuck.

When they come around again, you go see him, because now they're going to hold up the money to make as much interest as they can on your fucking money. How stupid can you be? Here's to you, Lisa. Lee. Lee, Ayat made a serious commitment with Steve Simone. They've been walking, doing kettlebells.

Next time you see Lee, he'll look like a fucking x-ray. You understand me? That'd be nice. No, it's been tough, but it's been good. It's, uh, at least try to make something positive come out of this. Fruity, patooty. No, it's nice. It's a grapefruit.

I like that one. I've been telling you, everybody this, that there is a silver lining to this. You know what, man? Guess what else could happen? Guess what else could happen? You're going to realize that that woman you've been married to for 10 years or that guy you've been gay with for eight years, that his behavior during all this is unacceptable when you're going to divorce. this is going to open up doors for people that have fucking been closed for years because this has been the first time you ever had to think.

I feel really, I'm not happy anyone's getting divorced, but they were joking online yesterday because Jake Cutler, the old Chicago Bears quarterback, just retired two years ago and then got stuck with his wife for three weeks in Bermuda on quarantine. And they just literally just fall for divorce. Yeah, because you get to see that person's colors. This opens up your eyes. This gives you focus. This lets you notice the people around you who you thought were your friends. You're going to find out who your friends are. You're going to find out who your friends aren't are.

You're going to find out a lot of things that were scary. And what do I tell people, especially men, the number one thing that destroys men thinking when you overthink something. They ain't nothing to think about. Action is the movement. You know, I had a weird month also because I had other shit going on under the background. Beside the accusations of doing everything else. A situation happened to me years ago.

I don't know if we talked about it on the podcast, but I really wanted to give it light about the girl who checked me at my show in New York. Did I talk about that on the podcast? Briefly, yeah. You said that you mentioned someone that maybe you shouldn't have mentioned. Yeah, and then that she'd passed away, you know, and it was weird because I told you guys, so the girl came to my show, and then after the show, she took my number randomly, and she says, I'll be in touch with you when I come to California, and it's just, this is going to be weird.

She called me and said that, you know, who the fuck was I to parade into New York and New Jersey to do comedy with at least coming into and apologizing to some of the people I needed to apologize to. She goes, you don't need to apologize to everybody. Some of them were scumbags on their own, but you do need to apologize to these couple people. And it was like six people. And I fucking apologized to three of them, like a man.

I contacted them, and I felt that the other three people, it's like when you go to AA, I think one of the steps is, I think step number four is making amends to everybody that you've hurt, you know. And I'll tell you, anybody I talk to from that program, I always ask them, did you make amends on everybody? And they'll go, close to everybody. You know why? Because there's some people that will never get it. There's some people that you went.

I have an aunt in Miami. years ago I went and went down to pick up some stuff I think in 2014 and I thought about visiting that aunt. She's in an old lady's home. And I made a few calls. And when I called the son to see where she was at, he goes, why? You're thinking of going over there? And I was like, I don't know. Maybe I'll send some plows or something.

He goes, I don't know how that's going to work out. And even though I was going to go over there, sometimes, guys, you got to let dead dogs lie. Because there's some people that you're going to go and apologize to, and it's just a reason for them to go on into a different war with you. The three people that did accept my apology, accepted just how I thought they were. And since I told you the story, one of them has reached out to me during this whole thing. And we've spoken about three times. and nothing has come up. He was happy that I was back in his life.

So, you know, sometimes you don't have to apologize to everybody. I don't ever want you to think that because these three people that she expects me to apologize to, I really want to apologize to them, but there was so much history in the air that we're going to have to address one of those things. And that's where this thing is going to go. how you can't make every situation golden you know you just can't do it even this situation like

i told you this this quarantine what's going on the last fucking six weeks you know some people have gotten good things out of this the underlying stuff you know i got to spend time of my family i got to see mercy's weaknesses i you know i me and my wife work it out perfectly where I go in, she goes out, she goes in, I go out, we're never really that much together so we don't get sick of each other, but all in all, I love my wife and all this, but that's not the point. The point is, I just didn't feel I should apologize.

And one of the guys I made apologies to, that he deserved my apology, you know. He called back, he never called me back after I apologized to him, but then he called me back one day to apologize to me and he said you know i after you apologized to me i was still mad at you but it took my father dying and for me to experience the pain to understand what you were going through and why you did that to me at that age we're good he goes now i understood

where your motivation came from. You had just lost your mother, and you couldn't focus. So that's even happened. So he lives in Sarasota Florida, and him and I are tight now. Like, we talk every two or three fucking days. Do you think there's not, like, a possibility, like one of those people who you don't think you should apologize to, something could happen in the upcoming years,

and maybe you guys will talk? Like, it's not set in stone. Well, one of the people that I was supposed to apologize, apologized past. Okay. And the time. They were a little older, and I sent flowers. And on the card I put, you know, I always love you.

And their grandmother came out, and their granddaughter, she reached out and thank me for the kind flowers and the note, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, you know. But, I mean, there was still two people on that list that, and you know what? I see him on Facebook all the time. And they see me on Facebook. And they don't say much. And I don't say much. The guy has made one remark in the last 10 years.

You guys take stuff seriously, North Korea? Like a sarcastic remark. Oh, okay. In 10 years. He made a sarcastic remark. And I could have unloaded on him, but I'm older now. And I said, what's the use? He's always going to be the same person.

That's why I don't want to apologize to him. Right. because he has 19 different beefs of me. The beef I thought he had with me, when I did talk to him one time, there was a complete different beef. He was mad because he said when I did interviews, I never mentioned his name.

I mentioned his brother's name. So did you understand the 7th, Toronto's 80? Like when I did interviews for the local papers, he got mad at him because I didn't mention his name. I mentioned his brother's name. Because I always knew I was at war with him, you know, really and not really. And when I say war, I mean,

there's no war. We haven't spoken in 30 years. Right, but even if you have, how many people are you supposed to mention? That's kind of crazy. It doesn't matter. I mean, people are going to be people. I'm just talking about when they come to apologies,

how they work out, how they pan themselves out. And you know what? You fuck with some people and some people don't want an apology. They're like, listen, I'm moving on, you know. I have a couple friends that have moved down from me. Am I ashamed to say that? No, not at all.

One day, they took a look at the whole picture. And in fact, there's one guy that told me to my fucking face when I called them. And guess what? That call also was about 17 years ago. His brother called me. about a month ago, me and his brother have always been great friends. We're friends

since we were kids. My friend just went into a tailspend and he thought I was responsible for one of the problems he had growing up. Well, you're allowed to do that though. Listen, I don't want you my... That's a reasonable thing you can say this. I wish I was strong enough to say that. When he told me, I

was not mad. I was not angry and I understood I did not tell him to go fuck himself. He wished me good luck. I wished him good luck. And I got it. Yeah. So I got it.

It was too much. It was too much. The years of our friendship were just too much. It was, it was a, it was a, it was a five-year run that it was everything, every element it had. It was like, what's that movie with Adam Sandler? Which one? When he gets shot in the fucking head, uncut gems? Right.

That's what it was. Me and him were uncut gem types of guy. So every day, I still remember driving with him. him once a week to a doctor to get fake muscle relaxes for his fake back injury when we were in kids. You actually have to go to

the doctor that he would give him muscle relaxes. Oh, okay. He would go to the doctor, the doctor would touch his back and he'd go, doc, it feels like eight more weeks. So he got a job at a big fucking plant when he was a kid and every summer he would hurt himself to have the summer off and he would

be paid. So he would get 1,800 a month for unemployment or disability, whatever, and he would live his life like a doctor. And then like October, football season, his back would be back to normal. He did this every year for years. I love it. For years. He had a bad back.

So the one year I hung out with him when he really ran the scam, the one summer, we went out to get pills once a week. We used to go to, I forget the name of the town. It's next to Carney, New Jersey. They had a great Chinese restaurant there with an hole you could eat Monday nights. and they served shrimp and lobster sauce. We used to go in there and take all this shrimp on the lobster sauce. The Chinese guy would lose his fucking line.

We would take all the fucking shrimp out. It was not Leonia. It was a different town. If I asked Timmy Holloway, he remembered because he's the one that gave me the restaurant. But yeah, listen, man, people change for different. I have two dear friends that will not talk to me. I have one guy that me and him say something to ourselves on Facebook. I apologize to him.

years ago. I apologize to him years ago. He's just still kept me at arms distance because of his own self-insicurities. He's got problems and he don't want me to know about him. So how do you, and I guess it's different for every person, obviously, but you're talking about making the decision to apologize to some people and not to others. How do you make that decision? Like, what makes you choose a person to apologize to? I had to think about what happened. And I got to tell you something. During the fucking quarantine, I thought about a couple things a couple nights, and I'm surprised

a lot more people still talk to me. Like, do you know what I'm saying? Like, a couple nights I beat myself up heavy duty during this quarantine. Just because I thought of things late night that I'd forgotten about. You know, I always say that you've got to check on your skeletons in the

closet from time to time. If not, they're going to check on you. I guess so Jesus So I had a fucking You know I had a little nervous break And guys when I tell you But I did things

You know when I was 12 I dated a girl And we broke up And one day she fell off a bike She fell off my bike I've told this story I started feeling guilt about that

Because in her mind today She thinks I did it on purpose If you know anything about me I would never do it or anything like that. That's not my built. If I want to do something, I'll do it to your face. You know?

Right. There were little things at night that I just tripped on. You know, when I was 18, I had a kid in the head with a Heineken bottle. He was a lot older than I was, and he had an axe handler. He was going to hit a friend of mine. What did you want me to do?

But I felt bad how the whole thing went down. That's why I'm really hoping that out of my friends that call Louis Castellito, calls because his mother was the court clerk when that went down. So I hit him in the head on a Sunday night and we ran away. There was two guys in the car and we ran away. But I guess the pizza guy Sal must have ID'd us and they came the next day and didn't arrest me. They gave me a

summons. Nice. To go to court for assault. It's free for smoking days, cock suck. It's Wednesday. Spark them if he got them. You know what I'm saying? Like the motto says, if you ain't high by lunchtime, go stab your mother in the neck and pull out the Andromeda tubes. I don't even know what Andromeda is. I'm just dropping words out of respect. Anyway, what are we talking about? About making apologies or stuff you did, like it wasn't, yeah. There's people who don't like you like that.

You were feeling bad about stuff. I was feeling bad about that story. I felt bad about fucking having a roommate one time when I left to Colorado I just left him a note and some cash I didn't have the heart to tell him to his face that I was going to Colorado that's the guy that won't talk you know

he really got hurt by that we were way better friends for me to do that I was just so scared of telling him I knew he would be mad at me and in the long run he was going to be mad at me no matter what these are the things you learn from your youth

you know right So now, listen, everybody knows my situation. I'm married. I got a kid. I don't fit in windows no more. I haven't burglarized in 20 fucking years. From time to time, I shop lift a lighter by mistake. Thank God you got out of it.

Thank God I got out of what? Burglaryizing. I didn't get out of anything. Comedy took over. Comedy saved my life. The more effort I put into the comedy, the more my life got fucking saved. you know.

So this was a great combination. I'm very fortunate to be here. But, but you motherfuckers, just remember, some of you states I get another 30 days tacked on. And listen, we already did 45. What's another 30? You know what I'm saying?

As long as you're getting your benefits, as long as unemployment, listen, I'm hearing pro and con, whatever I'm hearing pro and con. But you know what? You're going to make it. You already made it 45 days. The worst of the fucking thing is over with.

We did it. We did it fucking together. I did the podcast with the fucking mask on. Hey, they weren't the podcast, the best podcast, and they weren't the people you wanted to see. But I took your mind off the fucking coronavirus for a fucking hour. Just by sitting here talking shit, even if we talked about the fucking coronavirus.

And when I showed you my nutsack last week on America, everybody forgot about the coronavirus. Fucking an hour that night. So please, my goal since day one has been to lessen this fucking pain, whether through laughter or through fucking just educating ourselves about anxiety, fear, what's really going on. You know, I've gotten, I get emails from people from all over and people tell me what's going on in their community, that they only have three cases, you know, shit like this. This is all part of it. Yeah, sometimes it's just good to hear other people talk about stuff you're going through. this is all I tried to do here from day one

was just to keep it together I remember telling Lee we're going to keep doing the pockets he's like really I'm like yeah we're not stopping this is people gonna need this more than fucking ever just an hour to take their fucking mind away you know but the person I talked about on Joe's podcast that got mad at me was that girl that used to sit down Budweiser bottles

in high school and she passed away last week from the COVID I know She was about 61, and one night I was on Rogan. And I told the story a couple times about this bar. We went through his kids and fucking, uh, she sent on the Galliano bottle and all this shit. And fucking, the girl who called me out said that she also had an apology coming from me.

And, uh, I looked a brother up on Facebook. I couldn't find him. I couldn't find anybody. No, no. I, I think I was. spelling the last name wrong or something. And then last Sunday, I found out that that girl died without me apologizing. So I was two people who I really wanted to apologize to that passed.

Both of them, one of them I had access to, I was just waiting to go home to go down to downtown North Bergen to knock on the door like a man. I wasn't going to do it on the phone. I had a knock on that door. Everybody I apologized to or I knocked on that door. Well? Yeah, I knock on your door. Why fucking call?

That's pussy shit, you know. You just knock out of the blue out on their door? Yeah. Holy shit. What does that feel like? Two of the people hadn't talked to in like 20 years, over 20 years. There's still one more person that I have to knock on their door. And it's been since 1994.

We haven't spoke over an argument. Okay, what's... And one of the argument was over $200 fucking dollars. Damn. Really, $100. And I thought about that during the, that we were together. For five years, I was together with this couple every Wednesday night. They were my savior.

They bought me dinner on Wednesday nights. And, I mean, we were tight friends when she, before she got pregnant the first time, she was upset because I had already gotten married and had a child in Colorado. And she told me, how come I can't have a kid? And we were talking on the phone, I go, stop smoking cigarettes. And she stopped smoking cigarettes, and she got knocked up within a month. Oh, really? That's crazy. It was crazy.

So we were always tight friends. And then one day it was just a bad communication about money. She was there when I robbed the jewelry store. I sold some of the chains from the jewelry store. We were always friends. There was never a problem with us. One fucking day, I was doing something, and she offered money. And I said, absolutely.

And then six months later, she called back for it. And I was blown away. I was like, who does that? But I didn't raise my hand. They came to me at a spot when I needed it. And they sent me the money. But when she asked me for the 200 back, it rattled my cage a little bit. So I hung out with her and a boyfriend at the time.

husband so what I did was every time I saw the boyfriend I give him a $20 bag of of weed and say take it off the bill and after about six or seven times I came back to Colorado and I didn't you know I didn't know when I was leaving New Jersey so like I used to see him on the weekends only because everybody had a job in 93 right I was doing comedy during the weekend on the weekends I would see him because I wasn't a headliner. So one day I'm in Colorado

and my fucking ex-wife calls me. And she's like, I just got a call from such and such. She says you owe her $100 still from whatever. You know how embarrassing that is to me for somebody to say I owe them money? Like, I fucking hate

that shit. Yeah, that was about, especially to call your ex-wife. It drives me crazy. So me thinking that I know this person since we were kids for them to call my ex-wife and put me in a situation, them knowing what I'm going through with my ex-wife. And now you're going to throw me under the bus to my ex-wife. I figured now I can't talk to you anymore.

So I went, I put together, it took me two or three days, I put together a money order. I didn't even put a letter in there. I just put a money order for a hundred bucks, mailed it to them, never spoke to them again. and about eight years ago the girl reached out on Facebook and I thought and I didn't even think right I just erased a friend request

or whatever the fuck it was and I wasn't that's how mad I get yeah I wasn't even thinking about it and guess what now I want to apologize to them and she's off Facebook because she's got like six kids

she ended up having like six fucking kids that's crazy I mean, it happens to everybody. Like, people drift apart, but to have a fight going on, it must not feel good. This is why. This is what this time period lets you do. It lets you think about the stupid shit you did, maybe call a friend or two. I've called a lot of people over this quarantine.

People that haven't talked to in years, just to check in and catch up with them. You got nothing but time. You got no place to be. You might as well open up the relationship with them and see what you're not. What's going on with them? I've been calling my parents more often to check in, but we can come around on all the stuff to say. It's kind of funny, yeah, like, before they keep me on for, like, hours, and now they're both

like, yeah, we've pretty much covered it. No, well, you know, when you call somebody today, if you call anybody today and check in with them, the first 16 seconds, 16 minutes of the conversation, obviously it can be a bit of we're going to be about the coronavirus because that's what's in front of you right now. But after you settle down and you start talking, like me and my friends talk all the fucking time, what's gotten me out of this bind was that I've spoken to more of my friends from Jersey now that I do on the usual. And now we've opened up that relationship again. That is why I figured it's time to bring my friends into the podcast loop.

It's been too long, you know. and I'm not talking about like Danny B or whatever. I'm bringing a spectrum into you guys. I'm bringing in a guy that's a musician that him and I grew up with, went to see Pink Floyd together. We're going to tell you stories about getting together at night and buying $20 worth of weed

and getting 27 joints and smoking them all. But just, you know, and then each going home with one joint. So that means we smoke 22 joints between five of us. I mean, we were kids together. I got another guy I'm on a call that was another very special friend of mine He was a little older But he was in my sophomore

Homeroom and he was just a blast I saw him told teachers To go fuck themselves I seen him do some crazy stuff I'm sure we'll cover it And we're gonna have my brother on My brother's gonna talk to you guys about When I used to make a rob gas stations

And make him pick me up And he wouldn't even know he was picking me up Because I was robing the gas How would you feel, Lee, if I just said, pick me up in front of the fucking the Cuban joint, Burbank at 430. And you're like, where's the sandwiches? Just step on the car, go. Why? Why?

What's going on? I just robbed them. Why did you rob him get in my car? Because if I would have told you, I was going to rob him, you wouldn't show up. That's true. So I had a trick everybody. So he's the guy. I had a trick.

And I'm trying to get Louis Castellino in who's going to be interesting because his brother, his uncle, was the guy that they hung and the guy that they choked and fucking that movie on HBO with everybody with all the mobsters. I don't know. Oh.

Yeah, what's his name? On HBO or Netflix? Netflix. Um. About the fucking... Yeah. I didn't. Whatever the fuck.

The Irishman. The Irishman. His uncle was the guy who Tony Bow choked in the car. Remember the guy that I'm killed and then that's who his uncle is. But Louis Castellito has got stories of us going to see ACDC on acid, going to the movie theaters on acid, and he's buckwild.

But I know he works nights. So I got to catch him in between sleeping, snorting, getting his dick sucked, and going to his warehouse. It's kind of fucking tough. So it's going to be tough, but we're going to try these things because, yeah, This quarantine, we had some fucking tremendous guests set up. I had David Provowal coming in from Mean Streets and the Sopranos. I had the fucking guy who was going to play,

who played Connie's wife and the husband and the godfather who son he beat him up. He was coming out because he was doing a project of Nicomano Longas. I had a tremendous musician who now, I don't know if I could reschedule him because he's been. Back in fucking Chicago, I had him coming on, but this coronavirus ruined a lot of things from a lot of people. I'm just fortunate that I could still get through to you guys.

As you could tell, I'm not selling comedy dates. I'm not doing nothing. I just want you guys to know that you have a voice that you have somewhere to fucking go to. People are going through the same fucking thing as you are. We're not no better. We all put our pants on one leg of the fucking time. You know what?

There's parts of the day. I feel like fucking driving. car off a cliff but I close my eyes and I think about prison and I think about confinement and I think about what I could do with my day to break up the fucking day. Okay, today's Tuesday I'm definitely jerking off eight times. I just got to pick what time and put it on the schedule so I know what I'm living for. Oh, should I have this steak? No, I got to jerk off in 10 minutes. I don't want to jerk off of the steak in my stomach because I might have a fucking heart attack. So these are all the things that happened during a quarantine. You know,

I hope, well, not really in quarantine. When you're in fucking prison, this is what happened. You got to, you revolve your day around masturbation. You scheduled it? Yeah, you got to schedule them. Like, I'll bang one out at eight in the shower. I'll bang another one out 1130, take a nap. I'll eat something, bang another one out. Go to the kitchen, eat something, bang another one out. and then you know you got to bang two of them up before you go to bed nothing comes out of your nutsack it's just pure fucking air by that point you just jiggling around like a retard and you fucking pass out but my point is this has been completely different you got notebooks

you have computers you have a room you could do jumping jacks to sit-ups on if you haven't taken care of what the fuck you have to take care of this is on you bitch you've had six weeks now for whoever you motherfucking you got two weeks left. Whatever you plan on doing, do it, please. Just do it. Just fucking do it. What's the big fucking deal?

All right, get it over with it so you can move on back to work and no fucking scallopants in your closet. For you motherfuckers, I got another 30 days in seclusion like Uncle Joey, and you know who you are. Jersey, you're not going nowhere.

You motherfuckers are contaminated to the end of time. New York City, you're dead. If you live in New York right now, just take a look at that wall and go Jesus Christ, I'm going to paint that fucking thing because that's not going nowhere. You know, I mean, there's just

parts of the country that you've got to accept it. Nobody died in Louisiana the day. That was the first day that nobody punched the ticket. Thank God. You know, I don't know what's going on anywhere. I just know that here I'm social distancing. I'm washing my hands more than a fucking, you know, the chick that chick that gives hand,

for a living. I hope they wash their hands because some of those chicks go from hand job to hand job. You might as well go rub dicks and the Cubscouts. It's like being the Cubs Couts. You rub your dick with the other Cubs Couts. Then they play Biggaboo. The fucking lead is sex.

Whoever has the warmest dick. I don't know. I got thrown out of the Cubs Cots. I didn't want to be there anyway with those fucking nerd fucking communists. I lasted like three meetings with those fucking homos. And I said I got to get the fuck out of here. So anyway, My point is

Whatever you got left to do, do it You got two weeks Me, I got a month I got a month to prepare my book I can't wait to fucking lay it down Now it's a new perspective And I knew this It's like the reason why we didn't write

Fucking comedy I didn't have no perspective The only perspective I had That was stuck in the house And I had done all these bad things all my life Sure I was fucking down on myself I heard the nervous breakdown Now I'm back bitches

I know a lot of you guys, whatever. Hey, we kept showing up. What would I tell you with the church? We keep showing up. They're not going to be the best podcast. They're not going to be the guest you want to fucking see. But guess what? I stuck to my word.

I kept showing up. That's it. You did your fucking 45 days. Now you got another 15 for good time or you're off. Whatever you decide on, tell people to stay the fuck away from you because you don't really know what this really is. Remember one thing, like I've been telling you every fucking podcast, Disney is not opening back up.

So before you go plan that trip with six people, with six midgets and a bus that you were planning to see, oh, we're going to go to Lake Havasu. Before you plan all that shit, think about Disney, not opening up. I'm thinking about your safety. I'm thinking about your help. I'm thinking about my help. Like I said, I'm trying to get this,

this little thing going on at Braya. I'm going to keep my ticket prices low so you guys can come out. I'll be there every other Tuesday. You know, I'm not flying nowhere. And if you love me, if you're my fucking nephew, you don't want me flying. Look at me.

And I'm trying to lose weight. I'm trying to drink. I do everything. I do everything I'm supposed to do. I'm fucking sleeping. You know, I smoke today for the first time because I'm out of jail. I haven't seen a smoke a joint month.

Yeah, I had to smoke with you guys. I'm sorry that I've been a little weak in that department lately. Look at that. The fucking thing was still smoking. This is what I'm talking about. We don't stop here. We go 724, motherfuckers. If you're doing it, I'm doing.

I don't give a fuck. And that's it. I hope you made it through this quarantine so far. You did your 60 days. So if you've got a DUI-99, how you feel? So now you're sitting there going, man, I didn't want to go to jail for DUI. But fuck it. I could do this standing on my head like that black dude before Joe.

Just think about it. 60 days. That's it. You did 45 days. You didn't think you were going to come out of this. You thought you were going to die. Look, here. From now on, do me a favor.

Wake up, look up and say, God, thank you for giving me another day. At least I got the opportunity to fuck somebody in the ass. Whether I do or whether somebody comes out of a bush and sucks my dick. I don't know. But at least I'm going to. wait, stop fucking feeling bad for yourself and stop it. You're not in the hospital. What do you think?

There's COVID motherfuckers? You ever see when these COVID motherfuckers get rolled out of the hospital? There's a black guy with a trumpet like, you know, celebrating. That guy don't know. He hasn't been to hell yet. Wait until he gets the hospital bill. Wait till the bills start popping out. Wait till you see those Yahoo ads with people going,

what am I going to do with my COVID bills, an 18-day stay, $22 million fucking dollars. So get ready to start. Ready for all that. This is going to come in levels. Just worry about your health, your mental being. Pay what you can. Tell the landlord to suck your dick.

Listen. Listen, I'm eating cheeseburgers from five guys. You and that ugly Jew brother of yours, both these can go fuck yourself. I'm not paying it. You want to evict me, give it a holler. Go ahead. Go ahead.

I'll burn the fucking building down. And the sheriffs aren't going to come in that way. We can burn the building down? If you fucking push my buttons, I'll fucking light this thing up on fire like fucking, you know me. I don't give a fuck. Is that your go-to? What's that? Letting things on fire?

That's always your go-to. What in doubt? Light it on fire. Nobody knows nothing. Fucking put some bleach in there, kill the DNA. What are you retarded? I've been lighting things on fire for years. Oh, you don't want to find the condom?

Light it on fire. That's it. What happens? You would let your condoms on fire? If you're going to do something bad, I'm not saying I did something bad, but I had a friend of mine tell me he cheated. I go, what do you do with the condoms? He goes, I throw him in the toilet, she throws him away. I go, don't you ever let her throw it away.

That chick will fucking save that condom, spray that juice in the pussy. And the next thing you know, you're fucking old $22,000 a month. Yeah. That dirty motherfuckers out there. You throw your own condom away. You don't even throw it away. You take it out to go. They don't even know it's in your little side pocket.

And then when you get out, you squirt into the fucking sewer. You give some rats some of you come. And you like that condom on fire. That's what I would do if I was to do something evil. But I don't do nothing evil. I stay home every fucking night. It's like O.J., when he killed his wife. If I did it, you know what I'm saying?

If I were going to do it. If I was going to do it, you take those condoms home with you. You let him on fire. Nobody's going to find those things. There's no DNA anywhere. You can't give them a stabbing in the hotel. You got to give them a standing outside in a park or something so the DNA falls on the grass.

And then punch her in the back, so it comes out of a fucking monkey so there's no leftovers in their underwear. That's how they get you, you know what I'm saying? I don't fucking know. I don't fucking know. Listen, it's the church of what's happened now. We're just fucking around here. What I'm trying to say to you is, we did it.

Congratulations. We'll see you motherfuckers Monday morning. All right. You did it. You went through the toughest part of this whole fucking thing. It's over. 45 fucking days. You've been in the house.

If you've been in the house since March 14th. Think of you've been in the house since March 13th. Think about it. What else do I want from you? I just wanted you to stay healthy. And the fuck and that's it. So now you did 60 days. Now you know how it feels when you do 60 fucking days in jail.

It makes you think about like 10 years sentences. And 15 days of good time. You washed all your dishes. You didn't get caught, suck no in mixed dick. Nobody's going to write your love letters from the county jail. And that's it. You just did 60 days. Congratulate yourself.

You made it. To my oaky spookies, to my lillenguses, to my J. Bichettys, to fucking Deborah Hubster. If she don't have COVID, nobody's got it. All right. If Deborah Hubster Don't got COVID She's a male lady

She's fucking nice The dogs up in Boston Even the dogs Got fucking Worcester Worcester dogs They got fucking COVID Boston's bad

So I'm happy to see All you guys Scott Cunningham I'm happy to see The whole church family Joey Marisa Alvarado My boy up in Ottawa The little kid

Everybody's alive we made it through and we're going to keep punching Monday morning 6 a.m. We love you, motherfuckers. Stay black. Before we get out of here, real quick, CBD lion.com

it's my go-to-cbd. If you're buying CBD at one of those places that has an arrow in front of it trying to trick you to go in there, they're fucking evil, they're cutting it. CBD Lion, go to CBDLion.com and take a look at their website.

All right. First of all, they give you every option imaginable to use it, except fucking sticking it in your vein intravenously. You can have the tinctia. They have the gummy bears. They got the fucking shatter. Shatter. They got the bath balls.

I mean, listen, they're the ones. If I was, this is it. Remember, they didn't reach out to me. I reached out to them. I loved them. I rub the cream on my legs now. I use it as a moisturizer. Come on.

Who the fuck you think you're dealing with? You think I'm going to steer you wrong? CBDline.com right now. Whatever they want, take it at the end, pressing code church and get 20% off your first order delivered to your house. That's how we're doing it. Number two, you know me. You're trying to get healthy here,

whether it's mentally, physically, emotional. I go with alpha brain. Look at me. I'm a complete different person than I was two weeks ago. I really am because I went back on the alpha brain. I got back to fucking shooting, sleeping. They sent me the new hemp, the new hemp force. My sores have gone away, a little thing,

because I use clubbats now. I don't have weights. I only got two 15-pound dumbbells. I got a kettlebell. I got two kettlebells. I got a fucking some club bats. So I'm trying to do a workout with that, so I started getting different pains.

But when you mix the hemp with the alpha brain, and I got this from them, from the director, Paul hit me up and he goes, I know that you talk about paying on the podcast, try this. Between that, the CBD line, come on, dog, we're trying to make it happen here. Go to Onet. They've got a tremendous supply of supplements. And if you try the alpha brain, you get your money back and you don't have to send back the product. Who's doing that today's economy?

Nobody. So, go to Onet.com right now. start with alpha brain Try it Give it a shot Your mind is somewhere else lately You run focused The news

All the fucking internet shit you read Has dipped into your psyche It's time to take some alpha brain And go for a fucking walk If it works for me It'll work for you Go to honor dot com right now And press in

Church C-H-U-R-C-H At checkout And get 10% off Delivered to your house Again I'm very sorry about this morning's podcast. They've been a little scattered and whatnot.

You know me. I'm best when I'm Jesus coming back from the grave. That's when I do my best work. I'll see you motherfuckers Monday morning. Tip-top, Magoo, ready to go. Have a great weekend. Lee, kick this motherfucking meal.