The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #789 - Joey Diaz on working outside the box

Episode Date: May 25, 2020

Joey Diaz  discusses Joe Rogan's Spotify deal, what he has learned from Joe, and how positive he feels about the future.   This podcast is brought to you by: Helix Sleep - Go to www.HelixSleep.com/CHURCH to get $200 of your mattress and 2 free Helix pillows plus a 100 day at home trial.     MyBookie.ag -  Use code promo joey to get a 50% match on your first deposit up to $1,000. 

So I don't know what to tell this motherfucker, right? So I just tell him, uh, greetings from Podcastville. The church of what's happened now is brought to you by, my bookie. Listen, like this shit going on ain't bad enough. Now you can't fucking gamble. Fuck that. I found the way for you to make a little Guitous, put some money in your pocket, and have some fun while you're doing it.

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Oh shit. Get off like fucking cut out. No more fucking excuse. This is the year of the fucking soldier. We're going in like fucking Marines. You understand me? Welcome to church, motherfucker. Monday, May 25th, fucking Memorial Day. It don't feel like Memorial Day.

It's been a memorial for the last two and a half fucking months. We've been fucking dead. But don't worry about that. It's a whole new week. Whatever happened last week, happened last week. This week is this week. And remember, just because she didn't suck your dick nine months ago, you ain't out of the game.

Rent this dude. Call up. She might say yes this time. You know what I'm saying? You never know. People change. It's been great. I feel better.

I'm 100% better than when this pandemic started, whatever the fuck you want to call this thing. I'm still wearing my mask. I still have a little bit of fear, but I'm okay. You can hear it in my voice. You can see it in my mannerisms. Like I told you guys in the beginning,

there was going to be a silver lining to this. And for me, there was, I had people send me hate mail when I said this. What do you mean silver lining? I lost my job. job of that watch watch it's going to be a silver lining and there has been for a few people if there hasn't been more for you yet it's coming you just haven't looked or you haven't tried hard enough uh when i was doing the the early read for the fucking my bookie i said OTB i don't even

know OTB existed in new york anymore but OTBs were a fucking blast when i was a kid because there was one on the 178 street as soon as the bus landed from fort lee and uh port authority, so you can either go outside and freeze the debt or kill time at OTB. I would go in there and put, you know, bet like $2 across the board on a horse. But you didn't go there to win. You went there to see the entertainment.

You went there to see the pickpockets. You went there to see the chicks trying to hustle a blowjob. Guys trying to cheat in on bets. Guys trying to stack on a horse. So they bet the other horse. And the room is as big as, you know, it's like four or five of these offices

and that's how big you got 90 people in there I don't think they're around no more because they would just be fucking a Chinese sword in the floor dead from COVID but fucking OTPs used to be a lot of fun

anyway it's been an interesting week it's been an interesting month you got the day off today big fucking deal you've had the day off for the last two and a half months like they're doing us a favor when my wife told me Friday

oh mercy's got no school on Monday great what's the difference what's the fucking difference we've had it for the last two and a half months two hours of computer fucking teaching and the rest of the day I got to wear a fucking hat on and play assistant to the assistant assistant to the assistant principal

excuse me I'm trying to get the joint going to get this fucking atmosphere going you know what I'm saying there's a church of what's happened now on a Monday morning you show up with fucking gloom and doom you got your pockets upside down and you're depressed hey so is everybody else.

We've got a stick and go around the corner. What do you want from me? Go have some fun. You know, fun is free. You do know that, people. Going to the beach is free. Going to a park and bring a baloney sandwich with Moskimaia.

That's free. Vitamin D is free. Some of you decide the place where vitamin D doesn't exist. Go fuck yourself. We've got a fucking tanning bed of white light and sat in front of it. But you're outside. Go enjoy it.

I yell at Lee every day because he doesn't go out of the house. I don't know what he has of the house What he's guarding over there If he's guarding him half the million 20s I go out I've been walking When you're not hiding

Steve you're walking You know something interesting Happened this week That uh People are blown away about Doesn't blow me away Because I've been friends with the guy For fucking ever

And I can tell the guy's always played Outside his own realm And that's a Spotify bought the Joe Rogan podcast And you know people have been hitting me up pros and cons I don't know anything about the business and how it works and how it's going to affect it

I know that how Connor McGregor sells out Las Vegas you know Connor McGregor doesn't sell out UFC he sells out Las Vegas Joe Rogan has the same effect on people with his products whatever he pushes

I mean he can't pick a winner look at Bernie Sanders he picked Bernie Bernie almost killed himself you know he can't go with his winners. He can't pick UFC fighters either, but he's fucking knowledgeable. He's smart as fuck, and he's interesting. He's got a great podcast. But the reason why that happened is simply because he's always taught outside the comedy box. And that's the greatest gift that I've gotten from him. That when most people are doing these world tours, you never see fucking Joe

doing world tours, nothing like that. He keeps everything simple. I have made my business plan part of how Joe I watch what Joe's doing I see what you know Seguura's doing I see what all the guys that are better than me are doing I see what Bill Burr is doing and you take a little bit from each of their styles you know whether it be their podcast their stand-up I'm not saying the steal you don't steal nothing you look at what they're doing it's working for them and you copy that fucking business pattern you know I'm not saying Spotify is only giving me any money Spotify don't even know who the fuck I am and I don't want

Spotify I don't know the fuck I am I just want you to know who the fuck I am and that's all that matters to me but it's just so weird how Joe has been working straight like nobody just gives you anything American people everybody thinks the bluebird that happens

shows it but you're doing fucking Joe Rogan he's lucky no man Joe goes down there five days a week there's four podcasts a week he works out five days a week he writes on the weekend and he's always got something with his girls, you know. It's a nonstop world for Joe. When Joe does him one day, you guys doing one week.

It's the same with me. What I do in one morning, some people doing a fucking week, because you put the fucking work in. When I put that saying up years ago, keep showing up. It was a picture of Joe Rogan. He kept showing up. I have the utmost respect for Joe Rogan.

And it started 20 years ago when he was on news radio. when he'd shoot all fucking day and then still go and get a $15 spot at 12 o'clock following fucking Paul Mooney or something like that. And I would sit there in awe and say, that's the point to get on a TV show. Why would you come down here?

No, the point is to be the best stand-up you can. And then he fucking started with the podcast. And I think people were doing it first. But he was doing it late on the road. And I remember me and Ari were a real paranoid at first. We wouldn't smoke dope on the cameras. stuff. We were really scared. But he had this idea 10, 11 years ago

when nobody was thinking about it. And then when I almost quit comedy, he talked me into doing a podcast with Felicia. So he knew something was up. And I told the story about mugging a hooker. And here we are. Fucking seven, eight years later, still podcasting. So there's something to it. I

follow his lead on a lot of things. I follow his lead on a lot of things. I follow Bill Burr's lead on a lot of things. But don't ever forget, like, a Since I started doing this podcast and we'll tell you, I've seen podcasts come and go because people's expectations are not real. They're not.

And this is what everything anymore. Somebody tries something. They get into it for four months. It's over. That's it. It was too hard. No. Nothing is going to be easy.

What do you think? You're just going to walk on there and they've got to fucking pay you millions of dollars? No. You got to put the time in. That's why I've said since day one to people, punching in is very important. Punching in is. doing anything that'll make you better and sacrificing it. When your girlfriend

calls you and says to you, oh, we're going to go over to the Mildred's and have some Mimosas. Who gives a Frenchman's fuck? I want a Mim, what does a Mimosa do to you nothing? It gives you a fucking headache. It's champagne with orange juice. You got to do 10 miles on the fucking treadmill

next day to burn off the sugar. No, I'm going to stay home and write comedy. Sacrifice. Joe has sacrificed a ton. You know, he didn't just become the UFC announcer. Did you know that? Or did they just call him at home one day and said, Joe, why should it be the announcer?

He was doing news radio. He was a fan. He picked up the phone and he called Dana White and he offered to do it for free. How many people are willing to do that? Are you? Would you do that right now at this time? Would you walk into a store tomorrow if your family needed food and go, I'm willing to work for free to show you how hard I work?

Look at that deadbeat right there. I'll work that motherfucker by three. Would you do that? Do you have the fucking balls to do? do that. That's what I'm saying. He had the balls. He made the call. Now he's got the UFC paying him. He's got 20,000 people paying him. Now he's got Spada Pop 5 paying him. But don't ever think at one point in his life that that kid even fucking sleeps. You know, when he did that October, so over October, he put up his results. And if you look at his sleep, his sleeping is the

worst thing he has. He sleeps six hours a night. You know, why? Because he's always going. He's always thinking. He writes, kind. You know, so don't, it just didn't happen that Joe lucked out. They could have given it to Mark Marin. They could have given it to Bill Burr. They could have given that deal to a thousand other people. Well, not really. Kevin Hart.

Gabriel is in the same row, Whitney Cummings. But Rogan brings something extra with him. You know what that is? He has a voice. And that voice carries. See, there's certain people that do podcasts, and they do podcasts to let you hear what they want you to hear. I don't give a fuck what the fuck you hear from me

I'm gonna tell you what I want to tell you whether you like it or not If you don't like it move on this soft the fucking podcast But this is a podcast of truth Why I tell you the fucking truth? It's Monday What do you want to do you want me to come in here with a bunch of bullshit stories on fucking Monday? No I tell you the truth This didn't happen to Joe overnight because He's Joe this happened because it's 30 years of grinding every day

Asking questions Hey I'm telling you there's times I put on one of his podcast And he's got one of those crazy people on that. I don't want to watch that either. But for the most part, he's got a lot of great guests on there. And he gets some of the best guests I've seen on there. Rhonda Patrick, the guy from fucking Aerosmith was great. Fucking, the guy from sleep, the reason why I sleep, as well as I do when I focused on it,

was because of that book. So by him getting this money from whatever, just, you know, don't sit there and say he's the luckiest guy in the world. And there's a second point I want to make to this story, too. Last couple of weeks, the agents have been calling you, you know, offering your deals. These people want to lend your money to send you on the road and do all this shit. This just shows to show you how good Joe and his management team are. They work outside the box. Comedy is great, but comedy right now is being worked inside a box.

This is what I don't agree with it. This is why I wasn't going on the road as everybody else. like how it's worked. It's worked inside a box. People work outside the box are enjoying it more. Joe works outside the box. He enjoys it more. That's why I copy his style. He works outside the box. I've been watching that for 20 years, the managing style of his manager. So in my mind, I'm my own fucking manager. I should be doing what he does, which I do. I look at things. You know, I'm an econ major. I don't have a degree for econ, but I got a fucking master's green street fucking math and you're not going to beat me on that you know what I'm saying I know

I know numbers and you look at numbers and it's just not working a lot of you're going through a hard thing right now and I'm telling you that this is the time to do what you've always wanted to do fuck what your wife thinks or your father or your uncle you got laid off you get unemployment you want to play the tuba this is the time go to a pawn shop get a fucking tuba COVID tested before you buy the fucking and start playing the tube. Everybody has a dream. Go for your fucking dream. This was what this was for. This was not a

fucking thing from China or Trump for. This was a sign to wake us up. To wake you up that you should be doing more. To wake us up that we could be doing a little better. We could be better people to our friends. We could be better friends. To our friends. We could be better brothers.

To our brothers. We could be better sons. We could be better. There's so many things that I've gotten from this. When this first started, like two weeks after this start, I saw a thing that said domestic balance is up. I love my wife. But there's some nights when I have anxiety, I just want to kick her like a mule of some nights because she sees I'm having anxiety and I'm fucking fading away into, you know, from 730 to 8, I have a rough time. So I try to breathe it out. And like, I'll ask her a question just to deter

her and then she'll just go on with the story. And once the politics comes out, my anxiety goes up a different level. But you know what? I got to be honest with you guys. During this time, I've learned to love my wife a lot more. I saw the reasons. I saw the things in my life and my wife that made me fall in love with her in the first place. I saw where my weaknesses were, you know.

I've been wanting to get off the road for two fucking years, guys. For two years, I've been wanting to get off the road, write this book so I could get this out, and now I have the opportunity. And that's why every day I outline, Every day I out one of the guys from the office and he gave me an idea to start taping him and listening to myself.

So I did that three times already just to see how creepy that is. That's not even listening to a stand-up set, so there's no pressure. I'm just listening to a story. So that's been working out for me. And again, and the bike riding for you guys who've been sending me emails,

I just mention, you know, every time I mention something on here, lightly. You guys bombard me with stuff. And I got to be honestly, it doesn't bother me at all. Because I learned a lot of stuff. You guys sent me some bike stuff I did not know about. In fact, it was a guy that was like a 61-year-old bike rider. That sent me like a little workout to do. Right.

Like just to do it like intial training with weights. You could do it with a bike too. You know, so there's a, I started riding the bike. I'm not going to lie to nobody. The first day I did one minute. and I thought my body was going to break down. I couldn't even control the handlebars. And I went to five minutes, ten minutes. Now I'm up to, I think, 35 fucking minutes. So, and I've been riding every day.

Yeah, thank you. No, no, you've been walking too. Listen, man, it's just time to do different shit. I'm happy that I don't have to go on the road. I'm happy. And guess what else? I'm writing jokes again. I've written a few fucking pretty good fucking jokes.

Not bits, just jokes. Are they ready for the stage? Not at all. I'm happy with them because I'm riding at least. So let me tell you something. I thank you guys because you have been my therapist through all this. You have forced me to get out of the house. You have four.

I moved for one of the zooms I did in my house. And it felt great, but it didn't feel good. Because when I go to work, I want to go to work. You know, when I leave the house, when I'm at home, I'm daddy. I can't be daddy on the fucking computer room yelling and screaming, talking to a billow. But in my office, I can be fucking daddy. Did I tell you something, man? What's that?

The weirdest fucking thing. So do you have to come in here? I clean around time to time. Sometimes I'll come in and wipe down the table. The thing, if I know I'm coming here with my daughter in the afternoon, I'll come here in the morning and wipe everything down, air it out. Listen to some music. Yeah, dad was sitting there talking to mercy. She was in the counter here.

Sounds like you're sucking a milkshake. Oh, this is tremendous. This is reef. This is again from urban trees. Whatever the fuck they got, 30% that's what they give me. I walk in there, they just give me a bag. That's it. Here you go.

Smoke this, take this, and I do what they tell me. I'm like rage against the machine. I do what they tell me. Anyway, I come in here the other day. So when we do our podcast, she sits in my mind. chair and I tape it from over there and I'm looking by the cups over here on the floor and I hit the bong and stuff so she wouldn't see it and I don't know what happened you didn't see me the other day I when Alberto crane called the other day because he's

gonna be on later this week I was talking to him on the couch I don't know if you noticed that I picked something up no I didn't I found the men's wallet with no ID in it Just a card and three condoms. You found my stash. I know it's not your stash. You haven't even put on a condom since they were fucking white. Now they come in color and they're thin. Your dicks like, what was the last time you put a poor condom on the way?

The last time I had sex. Which was? Seven, eight months ago probably. Yeah, probably. End the last year. How are you feeling? You ready to bust you? I'm ready.

I trust me, I'm ready to go. Why don't you call one of these freaks? There's no freaks to call. I'm supposed to be on, trust me, I mean, we're supposed to be on lockdown, and any of the ones that I could call, you know the couple that I could call, and I don't want to call them.

But good is it. Right now is when a chick is as lonely as she can't. A chick that said no to you now will say yes to you, just for a simple bike ride. Because they're lonely. You got to bother these women. Now it's one to bother them. They've had it.

They've been through eight weeks of being alone. They'll do anything. They'll let you like their pussy's on fire. They'll do anything right now. Oh, that's great. They're lonely. You got to go out and find yourself a fucking woman, Lee.

That's it. The party's over. Stop blaming it on. I'm going to lose weight first. Just go out and find the fucking woman. There's women that like your little chubby, handsome juice, and you're one of them. I wonder how long that had those condoms have been there, though.

I don't know what I'm trying to think of who could. You know, the funny thing was when I found the condoms and I looked at them in the car, only one name. But I couldn't blame just her because other people have sat there. Like I said, my daughter sits there. The chick that came from Wendy Dio, the chick that came with Tyson. A lot of people at a side of that chair.

So I don't know who the fuck would have showed up here with three condoms. And they're the good ones too. And that's the only thing they had in there is condoms. That's it. No money, no ID, no nothing. A wallet. Damn. Like a men's clothes wallet.

A fucking... a hotel card from the Harvard Hotel. See where the Harvard Hotel is. There's a Harvard Hotel. I never heard. And three condoms. Then we're going to go, fuck. I love it.

I ain't mad at nobody. It's just, it's really, I'm not saying that it bothered me. It's like, who the fuck was going somewhere after this? That left three fucking condoms here. Let's see here. Where the fuck is the Harvard Hotel? Is it around here?

It's in fucking... It's on Hollywood Boulevard. There you go. There you go. So who the fuck could be? That's not a nice place. No. Holy moly.

I would love that. I have everything that we've had in here. That's the tamest thing. We found drugs in here. Oh, I found a ton of shit in here. I can't even say this shit I found it here. I found on that side when people sit there. It's fucking embarrassing.

But who gives the Frenchman fuck? It's fucking Monday cock suckers. Is that right? Listen, this thing is almost over. I mean, they extended here until July 4th. Orange County is opening up next week. Sam Bernardino County is opening up next week. And we're all going to be fine.

You know, last night, two nights ago, I went to the weed store, and the Chinese girl wasn't at the counter. They have a really pretty Chinese girl at the counter at Urban Trees. And I went, and it was the big black security guard. Then I looked around. It was the manager that was working. and there was one other employee

and I go, what's going on here? And he goes, man, it's been fucking dead. I go, what do you mean dead? He goes, dead since like the fucking tent. Businesses drop like fucking 60%. And that's what I said. I said it's going to take people to write two checks to realize where they really are.

A lot of people didn't get unemployment. And now they've got to write June checks. Yeah, I still haven't gotten the stimulus. No, you're not getting shit. I know three people who are moving out of their apartments, either into their car, a friend's basement, or into their business. Three friends right now for June 1st. I have another friend that I've been talking him into leaving because he pays too high of a rent here. And him and his wife leave anyway for the summer.

I'm like, put your shit in the storage, get the fuck out of here, save that money from that rent. And when you come back, the rent will be that much cheaper if you come back. Right. If you want to come back. If you don't want to come back and stay in D.C., I don't blame you. A lot of people, the big exodus has already started here in Los Angeles. People, if you don't know it. And it's starting in New York, too.

For the New Yorkers that are listening, they'll tell you the same. People are moving out of buildings and into houses. They don't want to be involved in this no more. They don't want this catat. They don't ever want to be in this position again. this is going to change people. Like I said, you know, right now people are going to start looking at their savings, their retirement funds, you know, what if this only, what if we only get a month

and a half of freedom again and they lock us back up in October again because it comes back with the flu season twice as hard. So, hey, listen, people are scared. I don't blame you, write, meditate, do everything you can to give you peace of mind. If you feel uncomfortable being somewhere, get the fuck out. Hey, listen, man. I watched them last Monday as they were walking into the Ford plant. And people were saying, we're not ready yet.

They know. And sure enough, they had to reclose it the next day because they had six cases in Detroit. We're not ready for a lot of things yet. And one thing we're never going to do is social distance. So we're never going to do. It's impossible. It's impossible if you go to cactus.

You've been to cactus before. I think of going to cactus and ordering. Right. Where the waitresses, where the chick is, the two cooks, where you are in the scheme of thing, you know. Well, I think it's going to change. Like, every, like, everything. We talked about flights the other day, how, how, like,

you can't go in there because people, like, people that don't clean the planes because people get angry about it. Like, I think it's going to be very interesting. Like, oh, like, yeah, there might not be as many seats as a restaurant but there might be more restaurants or it's it's not going to be more restaurants you don't think so no how they're going to you know how many restaurants are about to close right oh yeah all the ones that are open are going to be gone do you know how many restaurants are going to be closed right now have you taken a ride to hollywood lake i haven't been to hollywood three ones take a ride some time and see what's going

out there in the real world go to melrose and look at those restaurants make a make an estimate you had what they're paying for rent at that place and what they're losing every month. And you ask yourself, are they going to be open in July? Who's going to open in July? July 4th, you're opening up into death. Right.

It's picnic season. It's beach season. Ain't nobody going to Beverly Hills to eat no fucking sandwich. And it's weird because it doesn't feel like a vacation. It should feel like a vacation, but it doesn't. No, it's not a vacation. This is not a fucking vacation. There's a pandemic going on.

In your head, since life is always a fucking vacation, it's a vacation. But this ain't a vacation. People are fucking hurting right now, and people know it. This is no time, there's no vacation. This is a fucking, this is a pandemic that if you make the wrong move, you could end up in a hospital. Yeah, you know, it's under 100 debts in New York and it's under 100 debts in L.A. and that's because we've been staying in and we've been vigilant.

But yes, a Saturday, I want to give a shout out real quick to my man, John Bouchemi from Pauli's Deli. You know why? Because that guy opened up a deli. He sent us a bunch of food. He had so much success in Beverly Hills. Then he opened up another deli downtown.

And he called me a couple days ago, and he goes, I wanted to send you and Lee some food. And I go, that's not necessary if you see the size of me and Lee. we don't need food and he goes, nah, because I've been donating to all these different causes and, you know, whatever.

So I really want to give him a shout out. It's not a sponsor. It's nothing like that. Go down there, they make great sandwiches. They got one of the best spicy Italians you've ever fucking had in your life. So I just wanted to throw that in real quick. You know, there's not going to be a lot of restaurants left.

If you go around now, you could fucking see. Like right now, restaurants are doing, it's a three-man operation. Right. Maybe a four-man with a dishwasher. They're just bringing, it's like, it's like selling wholesale. You're not making a profit, but at least you're generating money to come through. You're not totally, there's no money going through.

There's comedians that are not making a dollar. That their whole income comes from touring and merch. on the road, they don't have a merch button on their website. They're going to suffer. Guys like me who broke it up into podcasting, T-shirts on the web, you know, a little bit of comedy. I never really sank all my eggs in any of these three things. It was various things. Plus, I'm working on the writing.

So by me working on the other things and making money, it pays me to write, even if it's $10 an hour. that's how I look at it for right now at least on them getting paid $10 an hour to write. So it's how you look at things. This was never a vacation. That was the wrong attitude to take. This was something to look at for two weeks,

see what was going on, and once you decided that we weren't going to go to work, because I knew this in the beginning. I've been saying this and not on a conspiracy theory level. I just knew there was something they weren't telling us. I told all you guys. to get your money back. I told all you guys all this. This is just from living life. Why take a chance?

Why have your money out there? Why do all these things? I told you motherfuckers that things were going to change and I told half of years to get a job, cannot wait for unemployment because they're going to be six weeks behind this people who still haven't heard from unemployment and like, I don't know what happened. You know what happened? You fucked up. You should have gone to stock shelves and by now you would had your unemployment, then you could quit the stock and shells. My one friend told me right out where they're only paying $12.50. What else are you doing at night? You're staying in the fucking house all day. I would die. If I had to stay home all day and I had somewhere to go at 11 o'clock and they paid time and a half for overtime, fuck you. I put two fucking mask on and yell at people.

Hey, stay the fuck away from me. Change my gloves. You go home. You know, there's certain precautions that can be taken if you really wanted to make this happen. Yes, this started as a limbo, and then it became a mourning. We were all confused because we started mourning the death of our old lives. The death of our old lives, arena shows, basketball games, things that might not come back the same way. You know, Jiu Jitsu, what is the fate of Jiu Jitsu? You know, that's one of the questions I'm dying to ask Alberta on fucking Wednesday. Like, you know, it's opposite of social distancing.

Are we going to be able to go to a restaurant now and there has to be a table in between you? Do I always said that there was going to be a pay cut involved here. There's going to have to be pay cuts because I can't book every hotel room now. I got to have a hotel room open in the middle. So there's so many things that are going to come from this That people have to adjust You know comedy clubs Any day now

You're going to start hearing comedy clubs Just shut down Because they know it They know it themselves They're going to open up in June June is not comedy season Especially this June Where there's no money

People are barely keeping it together right now financially So and that's a fact right now people are barely keeping it together you're one of those people my heart goes out to you I hope that you can find a way to take care of that

you know there's your family you have so many people out there there's so many people willing to help that it's ridiculous I mean me and Steve Simone trade off recipes we trade off food you know

it's been for me it's been a great experience I wanted the break from stand-up I wanted to disinfect, you know, there was no way I could call my agent and say, I'm taking eight months off because he would have started calling me after three weeks. Hey, these people offering you this. What do you think? Come on, come on. Come on.

Do you really want to? Are you still? No. Now they can't call me and say nothing. This is really giving me a breather after 29 fucking years. and not just to tiptoe to the park 29 years. This has been hard. You know, I had the opposite of the Rogan effect,

even though we both put in the same work. I've done worse work because I didn't have a manager that he had. I'm not blaming his success on his manager. Rogan is a hard worker, and he fucking deserves everything he gets, but he's got the best manager in the business that worked outside the box. So whatever you're doing right now in your life, If it's not working to the utmost, maybe you're not working a little bit outside the box. I believe in outside the box.

There's nothing wrong with working outside the fucking box. Give it a try. Maybe you'll make a $110 million deal with fucking Spotify. What do you know? What I know, it's Monday, Memorial Day. We got another month of this and we're going to make it. You're going to make it. Why?

Because your uncle fucking Joey said you're going to make it. That's why. One more fucking month of this late, right? Or two? Well, I didn't know it was ending July 4th. I thought it was at the end of July. July 4th is official for California. Please, I didn't say that.

July 4th is what the fuck these humps are saying. Yeah, I mean, I hope so. I hope so. I think people are going crazy. The thing that I'm glad it got extended a little bit, at least because they were talking about opening it up now, like, in May, and that scared me a little. I don't think they were ready.

I don't think we're ready. And you know what? But people are broke. I went last night at about five. I went to the weed store. Like I said, he told me business was down. He said the guy on the corner of the spaghetti restaurant. They get a lot of chicken parmesan sandwich orders.

They're down. I sat at the park in the Wyoming State parking lot, and I stretched. I opened up my trunk. I did some kettlebells, and I watched people going by. And there weren't too many people at the park yesterday. And what that tells me is that the money issue is now coming in. Now it's where the money's coming in. Now is where people are really starting to sweat it out.

You know, I mean, yesterday the fucking roads were bad. It's supposed to be, listen, two weeks ago they were yelling and screaming because they wanted the beaches open. Now they can't fucking, nobody was, I went to the beach twice last week. Nobody was at the beach. They just wanted the beaches open. Right. People don't want to be told what to do it.

They just want the beaches open. And that's it. And that's that, man. That's a fucking Monday morning for you. I know you got, oh, you got no barbecues to go to. You got no fucking, no nothing to go to today.

You can probably have a little something with your family, but I don't trust anything over six. I really don't. Yeah, but it also, I think it'll teach you, for me, I'm always someone who likes smaller events, but there must be people who like big events,

but yeah, have two, three people over, get a steak or make a couple of hot dogs and a couple burgers, have a cold beer and watch an old movie. It's not the same, but it's fun of your house. You don't want nobody in your house. I never want anybody in my house. I love when people are not in my house. I'm talking to a remote place,

go meat, find a fucking palm tree where you're outside. I don't trust inside yet. That's why they haven't done anything inside yet. that letting you do shit but there's it there has to be outside yeah you know when you go anywhere on to hunger all those restaurants

they make you wait outside and they make you wait eight or nine feet they're doing it right and fucking right there and we're fucking to hunger there well no it's the same thing with you they don't want people saying they got sick here like that like that hairstylist in missouri got 150 people sick

it would destroy me if you sat across from me right now I'd rather talk to you for an hour and try to entertain you then try to get somebody fucking sick right now. You know, I'm used to Lee Lee's used to me. I know he had it. I know I got it. We just weren't symptomatic.

Something to happen. I don't even know what symptomatic means. I'm just saying I know something happening here because I had a weird feeling at it. Back aches and shit. So somewhere along the line, it just fucking came and motherfucking went. But listen, you know, write down.

This is what this was for. this was not a vacation this was a time to rebuild yourself remember the show the $6 million man this is what this is this is for you to look from within and go where the fuck was I slipping where the fuck was I

slipping at work maybe it is time I give up smoking dope maybe it is time I give up eating these pills maybe it is time I give up this maybe it's time I go to the gym more Americans are getting healthier and ever more Americans look at themselves

and now that they know that underlying effects, attracts this disease, you can't find the kettlebell online. You can't find the club bell online. You can't find weights online. The fucking bike store had fucking list. Because, yes, it was boring, but people are now knowing those underlying conditions can kill you. So we're trying to improve those underlying conditions.

You know, I tap my heart out every day to Dean W. He got diabetes on a Tuesday, and Tuesday night he was a changed man. I talked to Dean every night and I goof on him. What do we have tonight? Diabetic chicken, you know, chicken with no sugar, whatever. But he sticks to it. He walks seven miles a fucking night every night. That's what you need to do to lower that.

I'm petrified of diabetes. So for me, it's heavy lifting, and now I've included the bicycle. There's no more boxing, even though I did go to the park this week. can hit the midst with a friend of mine. I double mask just to take my fear down. I wanted to take my fear down. I'm trying to work on my fears of being in public. I just don't want to walk out in front of 50 people

in Bray in two months and fucking have a nervous breakdown on stage. That's my biggest fucking fear. So, like, I've been going to, like, now I go to Walgreens at 12, and I see if there's five people, you know what I'm saying? How I feel with five people. And trust me, nobody's social distancing.

Some people really, really, really try. I really try. As you could tell, I fucking hate Zoom. And I had to go to Zoom because you can't do 40 minutes or an hour talking with a fucking face mask on. They're not built for that shit. Trust what I'm telling you. It's a fucking nightmare. Your mouth feel like that Anthony got.

Your teeth are falling out of your fucking mouth after an hour. But that's it, man. It's Memorial Day. And two and a half months ago, you didn't think you could, you didn't know what to think. And look where we're at already. It's Memorial Day.

Look where this country has gone through. Look where we're at. But you know what's most important, we're still fucking here. And we're still ticking. And V is still up in Toronto and Lalingis and hokey, spooky, still in Austin. And, you know, my man is Joey,

what's his name? Mauricio Arvarrado is still stucet. selling whatever spoons. I'm doing Cassius Morris one day this week. Life goes on, guys. Life goes on. You have to look at this. See how it'll affect you and your

family. What needs to be done so you don't get it? And move forward. And that's it. Don't look back. This is just a bump in the fucking road for some people. For a guy like me, this is a bump in the road. For some people, this could be life-changing. There's people who are killing themselves.

My heart goes out to them. You know, loneliness shouldn't be that bad. But again, I was raised and the only child. I've been in prison. I could sit against that wall all fucking day and stare at it if I have to, because I've got a parade going on to my head. That's where I look out over a lot of other people.

So, but anyway, I'm happy. I'm happy you're here. I'm happy you're still supporting the podcast. And I'm happy that you've got to have a great Memorial Day. And, hey, it's all uphill from here if you really think about it. That's it. You did your toughest spots. went through your tougher spots.

Now it's just climbing, climbing, climbing, climbing, maintaining, and once they open, bam, you're there with a new attitude, a new outlook, new energy, new motivation, and inspire it because you've seen where you could end up.

You've seen how many people losing houses. You look at people. There's a lot people worse off than you. So stop feeling sorry for yourself. Put on your big boy pants. Grab your cock. Salute the fucking flag and you're an American.

You're going to be an American today and you're going to be an American next year. And what we specialize in is making fucking comebacks. That's what we specialize in America is designing the comeback. All right. So get it together. Stop your fucking whining. We're here we're queer.

What dates? I got no dates. I'm not going nowhere. I'm like you motherfuckers. We're all in county jail for the next month and a half. But once everything gets cleared up with the airports and the planes and health and all this shit I'm gonna be in all your motherfuckers

hometown laying it down I don't care if I die on fucking stage I'm going out there to fucking rock and you guys know when I get up there I don't give a fuck so thank you very much for listening really quick before we cut it out

one of the reasons I'm so rested and I feel so good today is because sometimes the mattress the mattress you sleep on makes a huge fucking difference, okay? And for me, it's been Helix sleep. I got a call

from them about a month ago. They were interested in sponsoring the show, but they wanted to send me a mattress first. Listen, the mattress looks like when it came, I asked my wife, what is it? A canoe? She doesn't ask the mattress, that's how it comes. We took it in the garage, we sliced it open,

we took the old mattress out. You put this helix down and often it swells up. You sleep on it, one, two nights, and it starts molding your body, and I got to tell you something, it's fucking tremendous. A couple of bong hits, a few edibles, and before you know it, I'm waking up with a half pot roast stuck in my fucking mask. You follow me? Thanks to heal his sleep, I'm getting the best sleep of my fucking life. Personalized mattresses made in the U.S. of A. Listen, man, for guys who

sleep on your side like me, it's perfect because a cratered. you in the right places like Mama used to hold you. Remember and you a little fucking retard? And Mama used to hold you and pet the back of your hand. And whether you like it soft or firm on your back or your stomach, if you like

to sleep hot, Helix has a mattress for you. I went online and took their two minute quiz and they sent me midnight lux. Even the name makes me fucking sleepy. This is perfect for side sleepers like me because it cradles you. Like I

said, and I'm going to let you know a little secret. These mattresses are great for giving your lady a stabbing. You know why? Because they're supportive. It's like you're fucking on a trampoline. You're going all over the place. Heads are getting banged off the wall. It's tremendous. I feel like I'm 21 again. And all their mattresses deliver the ship straight to your door, and they do it totally, totally contact free delivery. You're thinking, Joey, I need a fucking mattress. You were just talking about being broke. But at a time like this, this is when you want to buy, when prices are low. Right now,

I'm going to give you the fucking deal of a life. I'm going to tell you how Helix sleep is going to take care. First of all, they're going to give you Uncle Joey's 100 nights sleep on the trial. That means you got 100 nights to decide whether you like it. Who else does that in the industry?

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I want to thank mybooky.orgie.org, and I want to thank helixleep.com slash church. But most importantly, I want to thank you motherfuckers for being the best in the world. I'll see you back Wednesday morning. Scott McGoo with Alberto Crane. Stay black. Kick this fucking meal.