The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #792 - Ari Shaffir

Episode Date: June 3, 2020

Ari Shaffir, comedian and host of the, "Skeptic Tank" podcast, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt LIVE via Zoom. Check out Ari's new youtube channel SkepticTankPod. This podcast is brought to you by:    Blue Chew - Go to BlueChew.com/church and get your first shipment for FREE! Pay only $5 for shipping. CBD Lion - For all of your CBD needs, from shatter to gummies, go to www.CBDLion.com and use code CHURCH for 20% off.   

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All right? Who's better than you? Kick this motherfucker mulee. Oh shit. It all start fucking telemark. No more fucking excuse. This is the year of the fucking soldier. We're going in like fucking Marines.

You understand me? Welcome to church, motherfucker. Oh shit. Oh shit. It's the Luters edition. What's going on, you bad motherfuckers. A lot is going on in the country. But this is an hour for you to relax.

Sit back. Scratch your nuts. Smoke a joint with your Uncle Joey. And that's it and that's that. Why the anxiety? Why the fucking, you know? Turn that fucking TV off. There's nothing but fucking bullshit on that fucking TV.

Number one, I want to thank somebody that hooked us up last week. Fucking big time. And I keep forgetting because I'm a fucking sack of shit. My main man over there fucking, uh, the sandwiches? The sandwiches. Yeah, Uncle Pauli. Uncle fucking Paulies in Beverly Hills and downtown.

I checked in him with him yesterday to see if anything had happened to a store in Beverly Hills. He said he would get back to me. He fucking hooked us up. That's my favorite fucking deli in this area. The spicy Italian is tremendous. He brought Steve Simone's, uh, uh, Brocolini with fucking eggplant. I mean, I don't like eggplant,

but it looked fucking tremendously. Chicken palm. Listen, guys, if you're looking for a deli in Beverly Hills, go see my man out of respect. He's been feeding people throughout this whole fucking calamity. Feeding people, making fucking sandwiches. All right, so listen, I give respect to who fucking deserves respect. What's the name of the deli?

Give him here to it again. Uncle Paulies. Uncle fucking Paulies. That's it, and that's that. So anyway, let me talk to this. There's a lot going on. And everybody's got their take on what the fuck they got to say. And I got one thing to tell you, okay?

There's people who are doing safe protesting. I'm not against protesting. It's your First Amendment. Go with it if you're happy. But then there's people out there that are just doing plain crime. Those people are doing plain crime. If you're looking at what they're doing is, they have fucked up hearts.

You know how I know? Because I was there. They're confused. They're young. You know, I submitted an unlawful. audio story last week, the audio boom. The night my heart went sour. It was like December 29th of 1979,

like a month and a half after my mom died, it hit me, and I went up against the world. What does that mean that I stepped on a B? I stepped. If I saw a car, a cat on the street, I would run it over. Not that I ran over a cat, but I had that anger inside my soul. And that anger is the same anger those protesters have that breaking shit and thief and shit. That's not making it.

a difference, but that's not what we're here to talk about today. I just want you to understand that, you know, listen, there's good and bad, and this was happening as a bad situation. The only people who can bring good to us is us, you know, by doing the right thing, by being

courteous, by being nice to other people, shit like that. This has got to end. You know, you can't write this fucking script. It's very scary, but it's... You can't write this fucking script. All you white people wanted the apocalypse? You remember? All you white people

want to be zombies. Get ready. It looks like fucking zombie villa at night. I mean, they destroyed Fifth Avenue. They destroyed Seville. They destroyed Beverly Hills. But listen, this gives everybody a chance to rebuild. I told you this was going to be a weird time in our lives

because it's going to make us realize what's important and what's not important. This is, we've been this is a catastrophe, but at the same time it's a blessing. It shows you what you got to deal with. What the fuck are you really made of? This is what this shows you.

And listen, you're talking to a guy for the first three weeks of this thing was crushed. I was falling apart at the seams. I would just hold myself up together. I made a decision that as the man of the house, I had to keep like a fucking nice face on to not worry everybody. Because that's what the man in the house does. That's what a man does.

You know, those protesters you see, the ones that are going down there and being whatever, They're men. They're men. You know, the cop that got on his knee. They're all men. That's what men fucking do. The other thing, they're just children. When I was being a thief and looting, I never looted at it out of riot. Let's get something clear.

But I'd looted in life. It's the same fucking difference. And I was lashing out because somebody had wronged me. Somebody had wronged me. Life had wronged me, so now I had it wrong everybody else. That's the game plan. You know, man, it lasted in my. heart from 1980 to 1991 when I got into comedy in 92 because to spread comedy and laughter,

you can't have that anger in your fucking heart. And I can sit here and tell you that I went to a psychiatrist and tell you that they put me on Zoloft and tell you that, man, we all know what the answer is, okay? I'm a Catholic. I'm a Santeria guy and I respect Buddhism and karma and I believe in all those things. And I'll tell you, you know, I meditate. You guys look at me with my little red helmet on, my faggy helmet. At the end, all my little workouts, when I'm stretching out, the last thing I do is I do the whole thing, I take my shoes off,

you know, my posture, I breathe through my nose, and I focus on my third eye, and I listen for birds chirping. I listen for the birds. That's what I focus on. My breathing and the birds chirping. And that's what's kept me together throughout this whole fucking thing. Lee having contact with Steve Simone and Dean Delray and Red Band, you know, it's kept me together. But anger in your heart is just something that you have to figure out.

And that's what these protesters have to figure out. And listen, I'm angry too about what happened. I don't know what they're waiting on. They're arrest the three fucking guys. But, you know, they're accessory to felonies. Let's arrest these three guys. Let's show them all with orange suits on and let's all fucking calm the fuck down.

And that's all we could do. Let's have a good fucking time. You know what I'm saying? Take that fucking number out. It's Wednesday morning. It's a third. You don't have the rent. Big deal.

Neither does anybody else. You know what I'm saying? There's no debtor's prison. I dare them to try to throw you out, especially now. They ain't got time to evict you. So tell your landlord to suck your dick. You'll be out next month.

I mean, and you said it took time and all that, But what's what's wrong with you? I was rotten. When you hear these fucking stories of me saying these stories, we laugh at it now. But I was a rotten fucking person for a while. And it wasn't me. It wasn't who I really was, guys. It really wasn't.

All those stories, I tell you, I did them. I copped to them. But looking back now, as a 57-year-old man, it wasn't me. It was a state of my heart. I had anger. I had anguish. You know, society. took my mother, she didn't leave a will, no social security.

So I wanted a little, I wanted a lash back at society with everything I had. And you know what? Looking at it now wasn't the answer. It ruined my life for years. The addiction fucked me up for 27 years. And for 10 years, I walked around with that anger in my fucking heart. You know, if I could kick a dog, shit like that. Like, I was just an angry fucking person.

And once that left my heart, you. You know, yesterday was June, Monday was June 1st. I'm a month away from my 20-year anniversary of my wife. I met her July 1st of the year 2000. And when that came to my mind yesterday, I went somewhere else for like 20 minutes because I was like, what the fuck has gone on the last 20 years? And she was one of the people who helped get the anger out of my heart by just being her. you know by just being her

so when you watch those images just think about it that way you know pray for them pray that their hearts turn like mine did you know and if if my heart could turn with the anger I had their hearts could turn all right so give everybody a break

we're going through tough times like I said you don't have to rent there's anybody else don't worry about it fuck it that doesn't make you any less of anything of anything we're all in bad positions here and we all have to adjust it speaking of which you know what that's why the best time to have friends is now limit your circle of friends you you found out it was your friend the last fucking two months you found out go to them they're new therapist that's what i use my friends for today on the podcast i interviewed ari safia let me tell him how much i thank this man every day when i mentioned him

you guys will think he did this, he said this, he said, bro, his actions have always spoken louder than words. Well, family, I could look at Ari Shafi and tell you he is my brother. And if something happened to Harry, I got to stand next to him and protect him. You know, when Ari had that, listen, all those specials I did and whatever, they sucked ass. But I'll tell you what, and I'll tell you, you guys know, I tell you the truth. I bomb, I suck dick. when I watch myself on those Ari's storytellers,

that's who made me who I am today. That's what I am. When I go back to comedy, I'm going back to that style of comedy to finish my career, because that's who I really am. Those stories were all great. They were all great.

I watched one that two black dudes watched one. I told my mother, and I was fucking like, it showed me that somebody else understood. That is as dark as Lee told me that for a couple weeks I had dark you. I got because of where I was 20 years ago. A couple weeks ago I posted a video of a black dude putting a firecracker in his eye. Listen to me.

30 years ago, I would have tortured that guy for a month to put that firecracker in his eye. I would have talked him into it for a small 20 to put the firecracker in his eye. Not because he was black or he had a one eye. No, just because that's the evil I had in my heart. some people saw the good side some people felt the evil and they avoided me but anyway with all that shit you got your friends and uh listen there's 20,000 comics funny than me they're structured whatever but the good thing about comedy and this is what I told Lee is the friendships you make in comedy I've made some tremendous friendships and my friends have to have helped make my career

So for all you motherfuckers that think that Rogan was the one that put us on the map, Rogan opened the window. We all climbed in like looters. And Ari started a project. It was called whatever. This is not happening. And, you know, he fought comedy essential to get me on there.

So in my heart, I felt I had to do everything I could for my friend not to embarrass him. When somebody opens up a door for you, you fucking do the work. double because you don't want to embarrass him. You're going to be the best you can, even if you don't want to, because somebody fucking, fucking spoke up for you. So you're going to doubly do the fucking work. I don't give a fuck what you feel.

This guy fought to me. So I had to go up there and fucking level them. If you watch each of those things, and you guys know I hate watching myself, I fucking went off on those things. I didn't give a fuck because it was my brother Ari. So he's on the podcast today. I hope you enjoy the fucking. getting an interview.

And that's it. I'll be here smoking reef. I'll talk to you in a couple of minutes. How you doing, buddy? How are you, my friend? Who's that behind you, Sarah Silverman? No. Why would I have Sarah Silverman?

That's a young motherfucking Ozzy Osbourne. That's a young, young, young, Aussie Osbourne. Yeah, I don't know if it's going on with, it's definitely going on wherever you're at. But there hasn't been a barber open or anything.

Yeah. There's no barbers. There's no nothing. So I finally had it. I had it. Like two weeks ago, I had it. I tried it Puerto Rican style. I got out of the shower and I got my hair wet and I got a comb and I would just cut little inches from me, you know, whatever.

And it looked okay. It looked a little dwarf. I noticed how much hair I had lost in the top already from this fucking pandemic. I must be losing hair. from just with a stress or whatever. So the other day I go, man, I got to shoot these videos for these guys. And they always tell me,

Joey, can you darken your hair a little bit? You're supposed to be Uncle Joey, not Grandpa Joey. So it's like a class that these guys got. Then they send it out. That's funny. So I went to Walgreens to buy some nicotine gum. I didn't have my glasses, all right?

So you know me, dog. Listen. What people don't understand about me is that I'm an idiot savant. Like I'm good at some things, but some things I just fuck up and I just laugh at. Most people can't laugh at their own mistakes. So I walk into fucking whatever, Walgreens. I get the nicotine thing and I go, let me get them. I'm going to cut my hair and I'm going to get some hair dye.

So I can't see. So I just buy like whatever hair dye. I forget to bring my glasses. I come home, I set the whole dead-dye thing up. It's a piece of cake. You put gloves on, you put it on your hair, and you comb your fucking hair in the shower. When you stand there for 20 minutes,

what I do is I usually shave. I kill time, you know. I get the lufor. I fucking scrubbed my ass. Wash your monkey. Yeah. You know, I just take my time. I have a little chair in the shower.

if that's the way it came it's a small shower but it has a little corner where you can just sit there there's time in the water in the back of the fucking shower oh that's great in the hotel not much ass space someday I'm gonna take the whole wall down

I know it's already going in but I'm prepared to go down and whatever but anyway don't make a difference I put the fucking thing in I come out of the shower and I come out I go to dinner and nobody says nothing to be about my new head do In fact, my wife says to me, Jesus Christ, you can't wait to go to a doctor, a barber, your hair is fucked up.

It's so fucking white. I go, I don't give a fuck about the color of my hair. You know, I just dyed it. I can't believe it's white. I don't know what happened. So I had to shoot the video. So I go, what the fuck am I going to do? I went back to Walgreens.

But let me tell you what happened. When I got a shower that day, and I shot. that day and I dried my hair and I'm dressing. Also I went to throw the box away and there's a little black bottle in there. And I go, I wonder what this black bottle's for. I go, maybe it's to touch up like your mustache or your eyebrows. I go, I ain't got tired of that shit. So I put the thing away. So then I realized, I go, wait a second. Am I this fucking stupid? Am I just getting this fucking stupid? So I go back to Walgreens two, two, three days ago. I get the same box of shit. And I figured out that that's the ink. You got to put it in there, you dumb

fucking shake it up. What did you do? I just put the shampoo on my hair like nothing. And then I was like, what the fuck is going on? My hair's getting fucking wider. So I finally put the fucking thing in. I mixed it up. I took the, you know, old school because I used to cut my own hair. The first three or four weeks of prison, you got to cut your own hair. That's funny. Yeah, what do you think there's like? What do you think, Lee? Do you think you just go to anybody? You Did he go to Fred the barber? Gino's hairstylist. I don't name barbershop.

And sell three. No, there's a guy that cuts hair. Why not? There's tons of black people. You would think one of them would open a show. Oh, yeah. No, we had to listen to me. And diagnostic, there's no barber.

You ask them for a barber, and they'll probably smack in the face. It's when you get to your destination. So you ready for this? The barber at my prison was a guy, an old-school cheek. I'm no man. He was in there. for cutting somebody, like killing somebody, but he was also a barber.

But he would only cut hair with a straight razor. That's a weird style of people don't do that anymore. Especially in prison. That's the best, yeah, that's the best haircut you could get is when somebody says they're going to cut your hair with a razor, you're going to look like fucking Elvis. I love it, dude. I love it barbershops in New York where they go.

Yeah, they cut the razor. They catch with the razor. Yeah. And it's like, it's so smooth after that. It's frightening, though. You've seen too many mob movies. That's how they take people out. Yeah, but not.

This guy with the cut your hair with a razor, eight minutes, eight minute hair cut. Pop, pop, pop, pop. He'd use his tremors for two or three things. And after that, you were fucking out of that. Wow. But I just figured out how to cut my own hair. I just did a little Puerto Rican trim, a little hoop-to-de-oop. A little head dyes.

So you look a little fucking natural. You know, poop-de-doop. This far. It's opening. All right. It's opening. We're opening here. That's it.

Retail opens today. Retail does. I go get a new phone. So what's everybody worried about calling Gavin Newsom a fucking tyrant? It's opening. L.A. County is not. Uh-oh.

And forget. Well, that's not Gavin Newsome. Or maybe it is. Forget about West Hollywood. West Hollywood. They're still batting that one virus. They're battling. They haven't cared that.

Yeah. Oh, please. They're like, hey, let's get AIDS under control for a second. And then you can trust us with COVID. The mayor of West Hollywood had COVID. She had COVID. Somebody had COVID down there. But I'm hearing that all those rock clubs,

they're trying to figure out what to do with all those places. That includes a comedy store. They're going to have a hard time opening up in West Hollywood. You know rock and roll rouse at 24 conventions. confirmed cases of employees there. No. And I know a girl who got it from Rock and Roll Rouse. Really?

Yep. What are the fuck they doing? Rock and Rowe Rouse was the filthiest of all the fucking Rouse. Yeah, I mean, that's how it is. People try to get laid there in the fucking frozen fish aisle. I'll join you, I guess. Rock and Roll Rouse has always been one of the best supermarkets in the country. If people don't know Rock and Roll Rouse.

It is, dude, when you get there. You get to L.A. You're like, what is this place? It's so cool, people with leather pants on in the daytime. It's in the middle of Hollywood. It's across the street from the sunset hotel just in case you pick up a chick right there. And it's been done. Let me tell you some.

I used to go to the fucking. I used to get liquor from Rouse at a quarter to two in the old days because I lived down the corner from Rouse. On the old place. Tons of women I used to pick up. but Rouse or meet women that took you to that place. You want to come over there? Oh, my God. We just saw you at the comedy. I remember having like that.

You don't even need that or else. Not a rock and roll rouse. You don't even do that. You're like, you're cute. 1 a.m. spot. And they would go to to get beers because they were staying at that shitty hotel across the street. The driving one. Yes.

But I used to go to that hotel years ago. I ended up in that hotel many a fucking night. fucked up with Bob Baker. Did you really? You went in there? That hotel used to be with where you went from the comedy store. Me, Bob Baker, Jimmy Schubert, Marin. That's just drugs and hookers.

That was a long time ago. We were still doing coat. 98, 97, 98, 99. That hotel on sunset was where you ended out three nights a week or in your building. Because Corey Cuomo and the girl lived in your building. Did you see? Did you see? Huh? Did you see?

See what? I got to show you this. What your building looks like? Yeah, I saw it. Did you? Yeah, I drove by it. But do you remember the black girl with the freckles that had AIDS in your building? And we used to always go to her house.

A black girl? Yeah, because there was Outsman that lived in that building. You, Corey Cuomo, Gentry, Abu Rayan. Paula Bell, Holtsman. Paula Bell,

Holtsman, that's what your building looks like now? Yeah. It's gone. They finally did it. Yeah. They finally tore it down.

It's gone. You see pinked out right there and nothing in between. And when did they throw you out? Seven years ago. Seven, yeah, seven years ago. And then they ended up not selling it.

It took them not selling it. They kept getting sued by the city, they're like, you're going to make an eyesore by the rich people who live the top. They're like, you're going to make it an eyesore. They're like, fine, we'll plant a garden on top. So you're just looking at greenery. And they're like, nah, traffic will be bad.

Like, why will traffic be bad? Yeah, with you two hangouts, it every chance I could. In 97, you left the communist store and you either went to your building when Holtzman lived in that building. There was Holtzman, but there was also a black girl, light skin, black girl that had freckles. And she was a hooker. not a good looking thing she had diseases she had like sores

on her body i'm not fucking kidding you you could tell she had been involved in some nasty shit or you went the guy you know run without the car what's that fucking florida what's that comedy club in florida

not cape it's like an island that people go down there off the hook off the hook comedy club yeah off the hook comedy club was owned by a different guy Okay And it was off the hook closed I think so I think it closed Captain Brian's

Or maybe Captain Brian's closed Well before whatever Whatever was before Captain Hooks there In 1998 Closed He sold it for a big amount of money This guy went in there In the early mid-80s

Opened up a comedy club Became friends with fucking everybody and one day somebody came in and built a development and gave this guy a check. This guy took that check, went to his bank in Florida, got it cashed to all 20s, put it in two suitcases, and flew out to L.A. and checked him to that hotel. Now he was like a well-renowned comedy club guy at that time that when you went to his club from Tuesday to Sunday

it was well known you weren't sleeping I had never worked for his club I had never met the guy until he had moved out here and once he moved out here I have to ask Schubert what the guy's name was it was he bought an ounce of coke

a night for a month. Really? And he just went for it. He just went for it. The party started at the comedy store. And from there, it just ended somewhere until six in the morning. When did Coke die at the comedy store?

Whenever Joey Diaz left. Not really. No, not really. Because you got to remember, I wasn't doing Coke with people up there. No. I really wasn't me. and I didn't have a Coke partner up there. I had really one hidden Coke partner up there,

and that was it. I didn't want my secret to get out. So I had one guy who, by mistake, I saw at the dealers one day. And he goes, I didn't know you knew him. But at that time, the guy was high up at the comedy store, so we never said nothing to nobody. But from time to time, I'd see him,

and he'd give me a little bun. So back there, but it's crazy. When no, when I was at the store, you know, Chewy sold it. There was nice you'd go there. Rick James would be there waiting for Chewy. Really? Yeah, he knew a lot of people. What a great location on the sunset strip.

On the Sunset Strip. To have a store front. And you could hide your Coke behind the bar. You don't have to have it in your pocket. Somebody comes. They could give it to the bartender. You can put the Coke on the tape. I mean, what a...

It was the ultimate Coke dealer job Chewy had. I used to not know. It didn't make any sense. People would show up, like, it's Chewy here? I'm like, no. And they'd leave. I'm like, what? You can still stay.

Like comics. I'm like, you can still stay. It's okay. But I didn't know, like, what they were there for. It was so weird because I got to the store, and he was rough on people. He was rough on a lot of people because he knew the nature of the comics. You got to get into a, you know, comics will fuck with you. And him and Harris Pete would not take shit from no comic, not even a third.

Like, you could not even tell them anything. They would fucking, who did, they did something. Like, Chewy crashed somebody's car on purpose. On purpose? Yeah, he smacked the one comic and the guy left and packed up and went to Florida and became a realtor. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. There was no fucking around to.

count me the two dog guys dude he wouldn't let me park there unless i brought him a cheeseburger from macdonalds it could be one 15 in the morning there'd be six cars in a lot and a lot that that has 60 people worth there'd be a few cars out of like hey can i come in and he'd be like what do you got from me i had to fucking go get a cheeseburger to macdonald's like here's your shakedown those two i was an employee there those two fucking dog guys were fucking tyrants the first time i met harris i was working the phones and i came down i saw him and who was the indian Guy John McHill

God rest the soul The younger one He opened for Mencea a little bit Later on Long hair He was like one of the upper regulars Anyway I said hi nice to meet you

And he goes Oh nice to meet you And the Harris is there I was like oh I'm all right I work upstairs And he just I put my hand out He just goes So

He walks away And I'm just like He would And he was bitter. I love Harris Pete. Me too. It's fun to go bitter with him. He was bitter.

And he would tell you, I think I was telling you guys yesterday, that he knew what he wanted. You would say something to him, and he'd go, it doesn't matter. Because in three years, I'm going to be in Montana anyway. Like, he had a plan already. He had the date down. He knew when he was getting out of this show. shithole. On New Year's he would host upstairs.

He would put a tuxedo on midnight. Did you ever see him dressed up? It was funny. Yeah. I forgot about that. It was fucking crazy to get him see him. I mean, the comedy store staff was different. I heard, like right now, I don't do coke.

I've done coke in 12 fucking years. I didn't even know cocaine existed at the comedy store. I found out about a year ago that after 1130 that's when the freaks come out of the comedy store. I'm gone by, you know what I'm saying? I'm gone by 11. 1115.

But I hear if you go to the comedy store about 1230, that place is real. That's, yeah. Yeah. That's when we stayed till the end all the time. Yeah, no, you stayed. I was telling Lee when you and I discussed you moving to New York, I remember saying to you, it's a no-brainer for a guy. It doesn't make sense because I could be up and I would go home snark coke. I would come down at five and call you.

Yeah. And you'd just be walking in. Yeah. He called one time. He just like, the phone rang. It was like, I don't know, about five o'clock. Some of they play video games until the sun came up. You sure hear the garbage trucks first.

You're like, fuck. I stayed up too long. Then you stay up for another hour. Anyway, he called. And it wasn't like I was in bed. I was just like, hello? And he just starts laughing. And I'm like, what are he laughing?

I goes, you're the only one I knew would be awake right now. I knew he's waking up. If you're not going to sleep, New York is a place for you. If you're really going to, I'm the type of motherfucker that if it's midnight now in L.A., the last 10 years. Going home. Four out of 10, I'll get in a car and go for a ride. Because there is nowhere to go.

You're just going for a ride. Starbucks is open to. midnight. That's it. But in New York, I can get up at one in the morning, still do two spots. Yeah, exactly. You could do two spots after one of the morning and then go get a steak. And then get a steak with some scotch. Fucking eggs and fucking, and then you talk. There's no supermarket. No, 159. You can't sell anymore. That's why when you said New York, I was like, it's the real, it's a no brain for a guy like you. Because you take advantage of what's there.

You're going to be out until five every morning. If you're not going to be out of five, don't move to New York. Be a pussy. Even if you're just smoking a cigar, even if you're just smoking a joint and walking around the streets. I'll call my West Coast friends then because they're a little early. And it's just like just walk around and enjoy it, especially like April to October. It's so weird. I've been giving interviews to this guy.

He's trying to put a book together. Who? Fuck him. I'm better writer than him. No, no, no, no. This guy's a great writer. He's a great author. That's fine.

He's a great often. He's writing a book about, you know, like, he has all these great pictures of architecture from the 80s in New York and what the 80s were like in New York. And he goes, a friend referred me to you because he's a podcast fan. And he said, you know, a lot of stuff. He goes, if I sent you like just little things with you.

And I go, absolutely, you know. Are you going to give me a question? read it in your book. He goes, yeah, absolutely. You know, so we just talked about like CBGBs how I snuck in there when I was 14 to see the police. Really? I didn't even sneak in. The guy let me in the front door. That place, that part of town was so degenerate. All the stories of like Kevin Pollock and fucking, what's her name, Smith, and all the fucking, every, every artist, every musician was poor living down there because it was heroin there. And they put on their uniforms and go work at TGIR Fridays uptown.

It's crazy how different the city was. CBGB is a fucking high-end clothing store now. The village was a complete different entity in New York. In the 70s, you didn't go to the village. You went to China town. If you went to the village, it was because you were a little weird. You were considered to be a little out there. Like, you know what I'm saying?

The village is like where, where, people who were gluten-free would go to the village in the 80s, you know, and heroin people. That's it. Yeah, that's where they came together. That's what those people met up. That's where they met up.

It was gluten-free people, people who thought they were special in the village, you know, and then you had fucking heroin in that village. So there was coolness mixed with some cash? Yeah, it was really weird. I don't know what our point was, what the fuck we're talking about. That's why if you look at the marvelous Miss Maisel,

That was always like the back then the village, you know, where it was like, oh, cool. Uh-oh, someone's getting shot. Like, ooh, you know, they're like slumming it in a hip way. The village was white. The only time I used to go to the village. Oh, because I'm up on the village. That's why you got into it. For this place called Bleaker Bob's.

It was probably my all-time favorite. It was amoeba but cheap. You know what I'm saying? It was amoeba. Record store. Yes. but when I was a kid, it was like fucking a paradise, you know, like you went to all me, but you went to whatever the fuck.

What I want to bleak of bobs? To lose your mind. You would find shit there that you didn't know existed. Live show, shit like that, you know. The village wasn't really, uh, I remember going to village. That's so cool, though, to go to CBGBs. Let me tell how old I was. Let me tell how old I am.

I was in the village when she, the Sunday after John Lennon got shut. And I still remember New York how fucking packed it was. What do you mean? Like it was bumper to bumper, fucking people walking from all boroughs, from states, people, everybody came in to go to Central Park for the John London Memorial. So instead of me going that way, heavy, I said, let me go the other way. They had a little park down in the village that they were going to have a memorial on.

And I went to the village, I went to Bleak of Babs, I went into that park when I bought some Coke. They sold Coke at that park when I was a kid. It wasn't the best Coke in the world, but they did the trick. And I also had a head shop down in the village. And I bought in those days like a Coke wallet. Like you opened this wallet up.

And I had a bottle, a razor blade, and a tutor and a little like a shiny not please of glass because it couldn't break it was like a piece of stone yeah so you had your own little coke kit and your wallet only in 1980 you know this had a bowie exhibit had a whole 1980 exactly yeah the bowie exhibit had a whole glass table full of coke spoons what's that the david bowie it was like a david bowie traveling museum i saw it in like melbourne and then somewhere else too brooklyn oh my my god. He just got a whole tray of his Coke spoons. And they're all beautiful. He just has like 30 of them. That is crazy that he has all of Coke spoons. Yeah.

So Coke spoon display. I mean, I almost got you a Coke spoon from Columbia. I was there. I almost picked you up one and my other buddy who still does it. I don't want to say. None of the assures. They sell Coke spoons in Columbia still?

They're mostly tourist shit because they're like probably here for Coke. It's like, but like only in the tourist part of town. Are they a little bottle? Is there a little spoon? on top of a little bottle with a chain or just I don't know just like a little spoon probably like the size of like

yeah maybe like your finger you know with just like it looks like a salt spoon we're just like a couple pieces of salt and it was like that big you know for a little tut-so-to-to-to-to-to-oots oh my God I used to have the unique Coke tool that I don't know who made it

who invented it it was a double-barre shotgun and it was a straw but instead of right here it became two straws and it went into your nose Wow remember when we were kids and they had that

crazy fucking straw crazy straws and you drank chocolate milk then you had a stroke after that if you see a kid with a fucked up eye today it's because he had a crazy straw and let me use it on my white castle

shake oh you're going to be sucking to your eye pops out kid if you see somebody today with a fucked up jaw or a fucked up eye it's because they drank a shake and like a stick shit and slowly get it up yeah you gotta suck hard and you're like trying to prove it to your parents

and your parents like I'm telling you it's not gonna work and you're like it's gonna work and you're pulling and you know you're dying that's the fucking worst anyway they had this fucking coke straw that was a piece of glass with two tubes and at the end of the straw

it was a shovel all made from glass so you put it in like your pocket in your jacket you opened up the baggie you put the straw in then you put two things to your nose and they went

and you get both of them it's called double barrel shotgun but when you got fucked up you put it in your back pocket and you sat on it and there went the neighborhood I must have sat on 20 of those things never got a stitch

You know what if the cops caught you With one of these things You throw them away The cops never catch you The cops never caught you in those days I never got caught with nothing I got caught with weed That is it

Really? That was it I never got caught with anything With weed I got it out of the way early I got arrested in January Of 82 For weed in New York

city and I got a ticket. And they made me go to court and they gave me six months of that probation that if you don't get in trouble, it doesn't stay on your record. And that was it. I've read. You've read. I mean, I'm guessing, yeah, sounds right.

I don't know. Yeah, that was an easy. I called the guy three times. I swear to God, I called the guy. I had to call him once a month. just to check in say I'm not doing crimes how you doing how you doing joey good what do you do up to oh i got a job at foot locker i'm living with my mother i don't behave in myself all right call me next month have you had any uh police contact no i haven't all right thank you that was it and then i moved to colorado and i called him and told him i was moving and he goes just write me a letter to make it official

and you're out. Don't worry about nothing. He was a good probation officer. That's cool. You got good ones and you got bad ones. There's a probation officer walking around that I guarantee that motherfucker still thinks of me and wish I get hit by a car. Oh, I tortured that guy on principle.

I would put chemicals in my urine test to break the machine. Yeah. So it couldn't read anything for anybody for the rest of the day. It would just be like a little percentage of your little bit coke. Then what's the? No, because you send them out. You send them out to labs.

Then when the labs test them, they're like, what the fuck that this guy do? Because you could throw shit and you're pissed to throw them all. But they count as a hot urine analysis. So you got to be crazy too. You got to be a little careful. All right. So the country's opening up. What do you think, brother?

I don't know. I'm not a fucking expert. Everyone asks his comics what the fucking what they should do. I'm not an expert. You know what's crazy? First of all, I don't live, I live by the quarter, but most importantly, I live by the day. Right now, I want you to tell me your quarter project. Okay.

I'm talking about what do you see going on until September, September and before. I'll be in New York. Let's not even talk about anything. I'll probably be in New York. Probably no stand-up. There'd probably be no stand-up over, which I don't understand. How is then I'm going to be stand-up open in New York in fucking June? Well, every step is two weeks.

So I read today. First step is like, you know, necessities. Then is like real estate type things. Then is restaurants. And then is like sporting events in life. And each one is two weeks in between. So I don't know. The thing mid-June is when they start step one.

Early to mid-June. So it's like August. So really till it gets like open, open. Maybe I'll go somewhere. I don't fucking know. But if I'm there, it's just gonna be walking around getting fucking tuned up

with friends. We should be doing Hello Molly, a little bit of coke, and then some like a bunch of booze and weed and stuff and having a fucking great time.

My friend said it the best. Sal said it at the best. It's going to be the fucking roaring 20s. We're not going to have anywhere to go the next day for about two months. It's going to be insane. Everyone's going to be like, just come over to my place.

We're having a house party. We're having eight people together. And then there's not, you know that moment in a part where somebody's like, all right, I got to go home. I got to, and people are like, why? Just go sleep in the bed. We'll start fucking partying again tomorrow, fucking noon.

Who cares? No one's got anywhere to be. Right now. Yeah. So as soon as they say, you can go over to your friend's house, which is like in a week or two, we're all going to friends houses. We're not just going to do that sober. This town is going to get fucked up hard for like two months.

It's going to be on, Joey. You're going to wake up. Somebody's going to just put a joint in your mouth. And I'm like, here's come to get your line. And you're like, you know, fucking quarantine coffee. They're saying they're not opening up Broadway till January 1st, all right. Who cares? Who wants to watch a fucking a man in tight singing a song?

Fuck that. Listen, do you see me go on to fucking see Rigoletto and plays and shit? But that concerns me. Why, the Spider-Man, the musical? The fucking movies aren't good anymore. The musical's going to be good? What are we going to do with the Knicks? They're banned.

We're sending them in Toronto. They haven't been good in 25 years. If there's no, if there's no, if there's no, if there's no, whatever. Basketball. No MBA. No garden. No garden. No garden.

Penn Station is going to be sort of open underneath it. It's a great time to stab somebody, Joey. Get your fucking, get your, get your dead stabbing weapon out. I mean, come on down in New York. We're all talking. People who listen to this show. Yeah. You know, yourself, Steve Simone, all our friends, except for Rogan.

who hit the jackpot in the middle of the depression. You know what I'm saying? You're doing better than ever. Yeah. He hit the jackpot in the middle of the depression. And I'm very proud. And I'm going to congratulate him. I mean, you know, everybody else is up in the end.

How am I going to make ends meet? And he's like, I ain't even thinking that way. No, I'm not even thinking that way. So, you know, I mean, what do you think about the road, your safety? If you stay close to your family. I ain't going to fly for a while. I'm not going to fly. for a while. I'm in no rush to test this shit out.

People like, everybody says it's not that bad. People say it's worse. I'm not looking to test shit out. What about that? I'm going to drive everywhere, including if I go move somewhere for a while. I'm going to drive there. Take a few days. Doesn't matter. Not in any rush. We're in a time of like, you can relax. I've got a YouTube channel started.

Just doing shit, you know? Just getting shit going and having fun, spending time my parents. Or just going on the road. Just going on like a two week along road trip. Why not? You got nothing else going on. So I'm going to do shit like that. But if I can't do stand-up, I don't know. I'm going to go a little nutty.

I'm still going to move to Hong Kong, but now it's fucking not that great there. It hasn't been that good there for a long time, Ari. It's been great. You were never allowed out of America. You're not going to go to fucking Hong Kong. The stand-up club was open. They had opened the stand-up club for a month already. The stand-up club there's been open for a month.

That's great. Four deaths total. Yeah, that's great in a month. They handled it. People fucking died in a month. Going to a fucking comedy. club. That's a comedy club I want to work at. You know what I'm saying? Where people die it. Thank you. I can't read sarcasm. I think you're right. No, no, no, no. Listen, you

don't ever want somebody to fucking say I went to Ari Shafir show and somebody breathed on me and I got fucking SARS and my eye won't work. It's Hong Kong. It was way safer than New York, safer than L.A. What's that? Hong Kong was safer than L.A. and New York and Chicago, Seattle. Who's safer? Hong Kong was safer. Who say, are you fucking crazy? That's where the fucking whole thing start. Listen, Mario.

That's not Hong Kong. It's way far away. That's like saying something started in a fucking Winnipeg and you're like, no, don't go to Mexico City. The dog. It started in Hong Kong. Where does it start? Wuhan, China. Where's Hong Kong?

Wait, wait. Show up my map. Open up a map, Lee. Where the fuck is China and where the fuck is Wuhan? That's what I want to know. Hong Kong. Who hands up like China's asshole right in the middle, right? The fucking bong hole.

Okay. I don't know where we're going to be honest. I have no idea. Hong Kong is the southern right tip. The bottom right tip on the map. So it's like going from San Diego to L.A. It's like a three-hour flight from Beijing to Hong Kong. Listen, mind your fucking business.

No, I'm saying we don't even know who who Huan is, though. We don't know what Wuhan is. It could be further. It could be further. Believe me alone. Why you got upset me? It's the morning time I'm not going anyway

It's a we protest I love you more anything in the world I want you two hours From D-Day There's not even people Walking around with no eyebrows And you want to go do comedy For those fucking people

They're putting They're putting They're putting fucking Posts Where are you going to guarantee Megan do spots Where I don't know where

Besides there Well it depends if you're in Baltimore or you're in fucking New York. There's no spots open up in Baltimore and it's not going to open up in November when it gets worse again. We don't know. We don't know Dick. Let's just assume for the next 90 fucking days. What is your fucking plan?

Eventually things are going to open in three weeks. You got to get back on stage. It's in your blood. It's in your blood. All right. So you pick three clubs. So I might move somewhere where they have more. stand-up.

Where do they have more stand-up than in New York? They don't have it in New York. Why not? Because New York City is starting phase one in the fucking early to mid-June. They haven't met all the fucking check marks yet. All right. Listen, they're going to open up fucking restaurants. Okay?

All right. It's going to be great. I'm in. I'm in. I'll not do spots for a little while. Listen to me. It's going to suck, but I'll not do spots for a lot. Which is the stand, which is Gotham, which is all.

these things there's a bunch of restaurants that that do comedy I hear you wink wink you understand me I do now that you winked I get it we're not a comedy club people come in from time to time we're a restaurant that does comedy that's a local homeless person he's just up there blathering comedy club that you understand me I think give you one of those just like Well, people don't know. Like, I've been talking to a lot of business owners. And, you know, they call me with friends. And, you know, I have George and Jersey.

And I go, you're barking up the wrong tree. If you're a business owner right now, instead of crying every day and calling your governor and bothering them, when are you going to open up my business? I want you to realistically look at your business. Yeah. Sit down, get a fucking measuring thing. Measure seven feet.

Well, it's six. Comic Club. Measure 7. Measure 7. Buy a piece of Plexiglass. Put it on top of your thing. And you have to have a written plan for that certain Department of Health. And they'll open you up.

I bet. That'd be great. Plexiglass. So everyone's out there at a restaurant, but you're all behind plastic glass. You can be right there. And they serve their food through one of those trays. Close it. Airtight case opens up.

push through. What you're going to have is you're going to walk into a restaurant and chick's going to come up to you with a mask and gloves and there's going to be a table in between you and the people next to you and they're going to take your order. Not doing it.

And then they're going to throw away their menu and then they're going to bring you whatever and then you eat and you pay with cash ATM and on the way out you have arrows on the floor and it shows you out of social business. that's it

I'm not taking that chance I'm not doing it I'll let other people do it You're not doing what chance I'm not doing that I'm not going to socially distant restaurants when it's half full and lame Okay

No that's not true I will I know myself as I said it I realize it's not true I'm for sure gonna do that a much You've eaten monkey brains in Thailand At this point You eat what the fuck they give you Okay

You've eaten man You've eaten fucking like Some fucking bull in Thailand At this point you can eat at Billy You like John Rambo. So. I think I ate some dog soup in Indonesia.

I'm not talking about fucking. I'm not talking about, I'm talking about what comedy clubs do you see opening in New York? Because they're restaurant. Smaller ones, I think. Okay. Like the stand, the seller. Okay. New York comedy club.

The small ones. If you're a fucking hundred-seater, you can already comply with like, you know, a little bit. Let me ask you a question. When we started back at the store, when we first became. regulars and you went up at 1230. How many people were on stage? That's what Matt Edgar said. How many people were on stage?

One, in stage, on the audience. How many people are in the audience? Eight, twelve, six, two. Look at me now. Absolutely. 49 years later, with nine people in the audience every night. It's going to be all space now. It's like, yeah, I've done that before.

I did the store five nights, four nights a week to eight people following Paul Moody. It could be done once. It could be done again. You know who's not going to handle that? Who? The fucking podcast comics. The fucking actor comics. The ones who were like, oh, I never did that before.

Why would I go up in front of less than the theater? It's like, you aren't going to be able to handle that fucking spaced out room. Listen, as a comic, we all have needs. We all have needs. And we all know what we want and we don't want to do. Dude, on a Tuesday night at the 10 o'clock show, you're only getting 30 people anyway. It's not that weird. We had shows canceled in New York

fucking six months ago because of nobody came. Well, the problem in New York that became in New York was you had two, all of a thing, he had 200 comedy clubs. Yeah. And 25 of them were really legit. The other ones are just fucking dumps.

Yeah, they always got two good comics to every one of those clubs. So this was, oh, New York became what every place else became, greedy, you know. Oh, I got four walls. Rich people killed NYC. I got four walls.

We can get a liquor license. We don't need a liquor license. Look what happened in LA. All these shitholes started opening up open mics, which made guys pay $5 to get on stage. Pay to get on stage. Remember how shitty that was? In my world, that's complete bullshit.

It's complete bullshit. Every time they make you buy a drink, I'd be like, well, I'm stealing a glass. You'd have to buy a drink. I just have so many of your glasses. Fuck off. There was a time in New York where you had to bring five people.

They call bring a shows, whatever. Bring her shows. But for our situation, right now, 90 days. Yeah. When do you think you're going to go back to New York full time? Another month? I think maybe even less than that. And then I think a couple weeks and then like hang out there for a little bit,

go back to my stuff for like a month or two, feel it out, you know, changes. And then maybe figure out another city to live in. Or if comedy clubs open and open again, I would love to do it in New York. All I need is those 20, 30 people. 10. Really, 10. Get a minion. How old are you now?

46 years old. How old is, how are you and the girlfriend getting along? It's fucking great. You know, these are things too. How is it going to be with you 24-7? Fine. Totally cool. Let me ask you a question.

How many nights a week do you still want to go out and do comedy? Seven. Still? Still in your heart? Maybe in the five or six. I mean, you got the girlfriend now. You're a little older. How many?

You don't care. Okay. Five at least nights of going out multiple spots every night. You wouldn't consider staying where you're at now and doing what you're doing in New York. Same thing. What do you mean? I mean what you do. Oh, just doing nothing you mean?

Just like hanging out. Yeah, maybe for a little bit. See your friends? That's it. Dude, I haven't seen my friends in a while. What friends? What you? What friends do you tell you?

In New York. I don't know what friends you did. Oh, yeah, New York. And Jerry, I don't know, you. No, New York, Big J and DeRosa and Corinne and like, you know, I haven't seen my friends, Norman and shit. It's like, I haven't seen any of it. It's like annoying. I would do that for a while and just hang out with friends, one-on-ones, you know?

I could be okay creatively. With no comedy? Or with comedy? Yeah, with no comedy, I could be okay as long as I can shoot the shit with some comedians. You don't go to New York for a little while. To there's comedy. You stay as close to. But I want five nights a week.

You stay as close to you can to your family to the comedy. opens. Don't go no way. I'm going nuts here. Huh? I'm going nuts here a little bit. You got to do some social stuff. You can't do mushrooms here.

They're Orthodox Jewish. Just go hang out with your dad. I do. It's been fun. How much? How fun is it? You know what I would do right now to smoke a joint and go torture my dad? I'll fucking go.

Dude, I got to hide before dinner sometimes. Oh, yeah. And they don't even know. They're like, oh, Ari's being so fun today. Yeah. Yeah. I don't even understand why you don't dose him a little. Give him like a 10 milligram and take him for a walk and let him tell you.

I'm really going to kick in. Yeah. You have a little of birds. Don't get him a bird dinner. Just give him a little like a little five milligram gummy bear just to see. Just for him to feel it. And then let him loosen up. He's like, yeah, that felt kind of good.

Now, boom. Then next thing I'll send him a capsule. We'll send him a capsule of death. One of those 25 million grand. Straight for the end of star of death. Let me tell you something. Your father will walk. Is he still walking?

Oh, yeah. Every day? Yeah. That's what keeps those guys alive. My grandson's crazy. I went to see my uncle Saturday with my daughter. 82. He looks fucking.

He looks unbelievable. Five miles a day. See, some of these people, Edda James, I just looked up, died at 81. It was like, oh, wow. I'm like, wow. I mean, she must have lived way harder. than my dad. Done a lot of drugs.

A lot of drugs, just not taking care. You know, the road is a killer and you're a performer. I just saw that Amy Whitehouse documentary. You see it? Is it new or the old one?

I think it's been the last couple years. Yeah, I watched it when it first came out. It really was so fucking lame. She just got on the road and it was just like, it wasn't even like the Nirvana thing where it's like, oh, he was tortured. It was just like, she got into croak and crack and heroin,

and then she just kept doing it, and then it was all over. It wasn't even like a response to anything. It was just like she just got on the road and got worn out and did a bunch of crank and fucking died. She was getting fucked up. Yeah. Yeah. She would have been cool to party with.

She was getting... You know who I want to party with in New York? Who's the chick who was on one of those ABC family shows or whatever? She's blonde. She might have been Sabrina, the teenage witch, or it might have been somebody else. She's fucking bad shit crazy now. She got caught throwing a fucking bong out of her fucking. fucking fifth story window in New York.

The cops knocked in the door because she was partying too loud. She freaked out and took her bong and threw it under the street, her glass bong. What's her name, Lee? Is that Melissa Jornhart? Is that what you mean? Nope, nope. She played Sabrina. It was the other one right on the same time.

But she's fucking bad shit crazy. Amanda Binds. Amanda Binds. I want to party with her. Just one night or two. And just be like, let's have some fun. Let's talk shit. Let's get fucked up.

She knows some fucking secret spots in New York for sure where you knock on a fucking or walk-in refrigerator and then there's some steps down to some cool club. She knows all those spots. I want to party with her. And whatever she puts in front of me, I'm like, sure, tonight's about me and Bindsey. So I'm a little lost, man. Yeah. That's the New York I want to do.

I want to get back to that. Let's, oh, fuck, what's that in the window? It's the sunlight and we're still drinking beers. You are on a different planet. What's going on with you? Are you all right? I need some socialization. You need what?

Some socializing. We're doing what? Who do you want to talk about? Just pick up the phone. Call somebody. I do, but it's like you want to be there with somebody. Where?

I do. I go to, I talk to you every day. You're going to go to this. If there's no common New York, what are you going to do? Walk around with Joe DeRose and get slices of pizza.

Go to the Museum of National History. There's nothing open. Dude, there's, there's, there's, you know that, like, where you go to get a pizza slice that's on the street. So you don't have to walk in, the window service. They have that for bars now.

You can go get a fucking mixed drink and be like, see you later and walk on with it. Like it was a fucking smoothie from Starbucks. So what did I do? New York's cool again. I want to get back there. It's the funnest time. It's like, you know, in between L.A., in between New Year's, Christmas and New Year's, and it's always like at a third capacity.

You can find parking. You're like, oh, yeah, this makes sense. I like this city, just that week. That's how New York's going to be. Just fucking rerun this city. it's already great it was already great dude do you know what it's like to be white in new york they let you drink openly in the street the worst they're gonna say is fucking come on put that in the trash can you can do whatever you want it's amazing it's gonna be right back to that they're gonna

enforce a law that fucking your grandmother died yesterday fuck get out of here i'm just drinking i think they thin the herd in new york dog a lot of people are gonna come back for sure it's it's A lot of people left New York. They're done with buildings. Lee said he went for a walk the other day with Steve. I already don't believe you. No. Him and Steve Simone.

Steve's a liar. He's a godless liar. He gets him out of the house twice a week. That's good. He only does twice a week. He always says an excuse. The mail, go in the mail. It's a comment one day.

I didn't hear from him. I only walked to Starbucks at Burbank. That's a good walk. Up to the fucking corner. But he said he saw four moving trucks on the walk. So between here and there, people are abandoning fucking ship, Jack. It's going to be weird.

People want to get out of buildings. So he'll send her. And it's funny, I've been watching a lot of old New York movies and looking at the streets, the extras, how they would do. New York just grew expeditious. Eventually, that area, the population in that area, you know, I wonder what it was in 82 to what it is now. You can't have that because rich people like, I need to be,

it keeps pushings out. It's too much. So this will be good. It'll go back. It'll get back to it. Hopefully it'll drop. Well, we have a new generation of Momo's. Don't have a vaccine.

But like how many people can afford to send their kid to get an apartment where they're at NYU? It's like, you know what I mean? It's like, look, I can still afford. send you there but we're 40 minute drive i can't afford another 30 grand a year to put you up in apartment you know you know it's gonna be rough for a few months those those are empty it's just gonna bring everything down it's gonna bring fucking drugs up it's gonna be way cool again a little violence too little violence will be back it's worth it it'll be cool again so anyway that's what i'll do for a few months and then who the fuck knows who the fuck knows i'm like you i'm living the now i'm enjoying myself

having a great time started a podcast channel like i said a podcast channel like i said, YouTube.com slash skeptic tank, fucking pushing into there. Teach yoga. I don't know. Have fun. I walk my dog. I spend time of my dog. I go to the woods fucking every day.

Five days a week I go here. What's the teaching yoga? How long have you been involved with yoga? Well, Joey, I've been enlightened, I would say, for a long time. I have friends that have been to India, some multiple times. Okay. So when you talk about enlightenment, you really can't have that conversation without thinking about me.

And yoga is not just a way to work out. It's also a way of life, Joey. It's about getting your mind and your body straight. So what I do is I get some fucking booze or a joint and I fucking do yoga. I'm a yogi. I do legit classes, but, you know, as best as I can do, I'm good at it. Are you certified and everything? Yeah, I'm certified.

And every fucking accreditation there is. Who certified you? I have friends that have been to India, Joey. Are you not hearing me? Some multiple times. Listen, where I get my lottery tickets, he's from India. That doesn't mean I'm a lot of you fucking, I'm a fucking yoga teacher. How many moves do you have?

Watch this right now. You have a pattern. Look at that. That's touching, Joey. No, that's flexibility. That's great. That's great. I mean, do you have a flow?

There are 30 minute classes. 30 minutes of that is just fucking sitting there being thankful. Do we open up with an amazade? Is there a bong? Do we hit a gong? I close them. Sometimes there's a bong. Look, if I was home, there'd be a bond occasional.

A gong, you fuck. You got it in a gong. Do you do the breath of fire? These are the questions I'm asking you. Show me to the consumer to know. I have the ass of fire. What's the breath of fire? Breth of fire is with fucking Hensel Gracie.

You sit there, your palms out. Oh, yeah. There is now. I've taken your suggestion. I'm going across the street. Look, the best teacher for breath of fire. Fire is on Sunset and

Laurel Canyon. Yeah, Laurel Canyon. Those are students of mine. That's at Laurel Canyon. They're not fucking students of yours. There's a lady there. Yeah, yeah, the lady at sunset and Laszania. I know what you're talking about. That's a different yoga. That's called, that's the Kondolini.

That's the yoga with the Kondolini. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's the breath one. Then there's the other one that my wife goes to I used to go with a all right so that's how you became a yoga teacher because you have a union friends and you got fucking enlightened ain't that a kick of the fucking ass

it's crazy I probably get like 12 minutes of moves in about 30 minutes yoga people are the nicest people in the world they got a little body funk to them we are but besides that they're really nice nice people they try they don't clean the mat You know, but...

But clean the mat. There's a little... At the Y, there's a cute little yoga teacher there. When I first moved up there, me and my wife used to go up there on Tuesday nights for date night. This is way before the birth of my daughter. This is 10 years ago. Every Tuesday, my wife would get home. We'd change and we'd run to the Y and we'd do 6 to 730 yoga.

We'd eat dinner at NoHo and then we'd run home and watch sons of anarchy. and that was our date night and then we go again Saturdays at 1130. This is even before the podcast. This is 2010. That was our system. I wasn't really going on the road. Me, you and Rogan, whenever Rogan would take us out.

We weren't really going on the road in 2010. No, 2010. No. That's a good date night though. Yeah, yoga for a date night is one of the best things. I had this whole studio. I was going to do it there. I was going to do it there and invite friends over to do yoga, just fucking comics trying their best, you know?

I always, listen, I could do a downward dog. I'm sure you can. There's tons of stuff I could do. We'll do one together when I'm in a lot. I do yoga at the end of my workouts. I'll do it out. I'll do a cat pose. Cat pose, I've heard of that.

Cat pose. I'll do a child pose. I don't know that one. I'll switch it up into the one where you lift the arm and lift up the opposite leg. Oh, yeah, for sure. Okay. I do the one where you take your leg and throw it behind you. I do the standing one, the warrior.

I do... You ever do this one? You ever do this one? I do the tree pose, the balance. You ever do... It's the girl one. Why is it going to be... No, I never do...

Goddess. It's a goddess. I never do the goddess. But I've always been very intrigued. with that aspect because when I got out of the fucking joint, what are you doing, Ari? I got all these ones for you. You do this one?

Yeah, I do that one too. That's great. That's a good one right there. You ever do this? I call this one picking up the quarter. You've been way down, and then you don't want anybody to see you because you're a Jew, but there's a quarter down there.

You don't have that quarter. You still want to see, get that quarter, and now you're 25 cents rich. And end with some sort of flurts. I got all these moves. You ever do this one? You got to do a foot dick, and then you're just like,

try to suck that foot dick. You can't get there, but. Yoga's fun. Do people actually watch this, or do they pay you? Yeah, thousands. No, they're just watching. They just make them do fucking yoga.

I make it accessible. I say real terms. You know what I got this idea? You know what I got this idea? Why don't you just take the fucking online class? Me and Brett, Burt Kreischer, we're on, we just finished that sober October,

30 days of yoga 15 days of hot yoga and the day after we were one of the joker's crews with sal and uh the people there at the fucking cruise lines they're cool they do a bunch of comedy stuff and they go we go me and bert were like hey let's teach a yoga class on the deck we know all the moves by heart we just finished doing 15 of them in 30 days you know you there and he goes uh and he goes um yeah so we we let it so we just did it drunk on a fucking deck and every time I would do this thing. Every time you're like, hold, hold, hold, you know, and you're like, hold, hold, you know, and you'll go, and release. But instead of release, I'll just go, and fuck it.

Okay, next move. It's just fun. People were doing them with you? On the deck of the fucking cruise ship in the middle of the Atlantic. How many people that had taken in class? 75, 80. Maybe 100. It was great.

We just got drunk. People kept bringing burnt shots. And then I'm like, oh, I'm doing this. Let's fucking do a class. So let me ask you something. Is there somewhere in your heart you're thinking a dosing bird a second time? For sure. You don't think I have multiple plans?

My mistake was not getting his wife. That way, she got upset at me because she felt left out. I think that was the biggest issue. I don't know. I'm not going to toast him again. And let's the opportunity of rest. You say something. You don't know if we dose him again, they would be fucking hilarious.

Like in a bar in New York, if you got them again. It would be, but I'm not going to do it, but it would be hilarious. That would be priceless. There was a, you know, when I really got into, when I really got fucking fucked up on Blow, there was two clubs and there were friends with each other. Yeah. One was in Houston and one was in Beaumont. And it was Pete, you remember Pete, and Slade Ham.

Texas Pete. Yeah, and Slade Ham. And I loved them both. but I love cocaine better and you know the week always started different sometimes I would go to Houston and just do Houston

but sometimes I would go to Houston and do Houston Friday and Saturday but do Beaumont on Thursday and then I would do weekends so I would switch it around it's two clubs you could do either of them either weekend. So I'm getting

fucked up, Harry. It's 2006, and I am just a mess. And those days, it was, you didn't know. It was whatever happened the night before. Is he going to show up? We just... Oh, yeah, that Joey Diaz? That Joey Diaz was the worst.

That Joey Diaz got me on the road. Rogan only needed one opener. I don't want to take his one opener. But he was like, well, I might not have the one opener. I don't know until I get to the airport if Joey's going to meet me at the airport. It was crazy. It was pre-cell phone too.

So it's definitely pre-smartphone, but he was called. He's not answering. I had a page for a reason. I didn't want nobody to get a hold of me. We'd have to call for your spots. Yeah. You'd be like, hey, this is the comedy store. Can you please call back and get your spots?

Yeah, I used to have a pager. That's why. That's nobody would call me. Yeah, he said he would show up and he would call it. Like, where are you? And you're like, oh, I don't know. I'm not coming. You're like, I'm at the airport that shows tonight.

What do you mean? I can't get somebody down to the airport right now. It's like we were boarding in 20 minutes. So he started bringing me in case Joey didn't come. I would just have some seat or I'd middle if Joey didn't come. How fucking crazy is that? And that's how you know. To not fire you.

The response was, let me get another employee to cover up this employee instead of just firing me because he fucking loved me to death. I know. It's hilarious. And if anybody else was to do coke around him, tell him how pissed he would get. He hated Coke. He tolerated me.

He just, I don't know why he loved me. I think he thought you were crazy. I still remember calling him. Like a tame lion. I remember calling him one morning at six in the morning, waking him up like, hello?

And I'm like, hey, I'm not going. And he's like, why not? I go, I can't find my wallet. And he goes, I go, I can't find my wallet. And then remember the New Year's I didn't show? Where was that? You and Duncan were there, and you're like talking. And you're like, yeah, Diaz ain't coming.

And Rogan's like, that's great that he told you guys, but he didn't tell me. I didn't even call Rogan. I just decided not to even go. That's how good. it goes a will turn. Dog, it was so bad, people wouldn't hire me. It's not like he got drunk and wasn't as good as he could be. He was a complete zero because he wasn't there.

You can't do any worse than not there. Not there. How long did that last? Oh, my God. He wouldn't fire him. He's not going to learn a lesson if he never gets recompels. Comeuppance. People don't learn lessons without comeuppance.

He would, you're like, okay, well, you're on next week. Rogan would talk to me and ask me if I was okay, and I'd tell him yes, and then I would show up. Imagine if you called it to work your day job and say, I'm not coming. They're like, okay, what else is you tomorrow? But if it was a fragrant situation, all right, so Pete, Pete was my friend. Sorry, yeah. So Pete's waiting for me on Thursday and show it up. I get high until fucking five in the morning.

I got to pass a 7 a.m. flight. Now I'm getting anxiety. I'm not going. I'm not going. I still got a gram of Coke left. I can't leave. So that was one time, remember those days where you had Wednesday and Thursday,

then you had the weekend? Yeah. So the first time I got Pete was like, all right, I'll see you Tuesday, didn't show up Tuesday, had no audition, then Wednesday came along, and I said, man, I missed a flight, and the other one is packed.

Okay, I can get somebody a cover for you. Wednesday night. So now you at least, you know, fuck it. Wednesday night, I go out and get fucked. Like, I don't want to get in a plane. Like, what are you talking about? You have a flight. And I still remember not leaving.

And him, and me calling him and going, I'm leaving for the airport and hanging up. And I wouldn't go anywhere. And next to, you know, my pager would start blowing up at like... It was nuts. Like, if the plane was supposed to land that 1 o'clock,

in Houston, that's 3 o'clock, you know. My phone, my page, you're at home, would start blowing up, and I'd be passed out. I'd be passed out from doing blow, and the page would wake me up. And I'd wake up, and they're like 16, mixed, uh, mixed, uh, whatever. And then I would finally call them back.

I think this was. Why even call back? Yes, he had a pre-he. He had a cell phone. I held out until the end. Everybody had cell phone. He had a cell phone first. He had a cell phone that you can hang up in a shoulder strap and fucking hang it up.

I held out to the end to get a cell phone. So I remember calling Pete and he's like, where the fuck are you? And I'm like, I'm here. My plane just landed. I'll meet you outside. I'm in gate eight. And him keep calling me like, where are you? and me calling him back going

I'm on gate six Where are you hoping this would go at this point? Like he's going to find out You're still in bed It was crazy It was and I would just stop answering the phone And then I would get calls from all over From Ralphie from fucking

Because people Where are you? Where are you? And then they fucking just finally Realize I wasn't coming So about six months later Slade Ham calls me And he goes Can you work the work?

weekend. I'm like, absolutely. And he calls Pete and he goes, guess who I got this weekend? Joe Diaz, he goes, bro, you better get a backup. That dude's not going to show. Slade's like Diaz is my brother. He's not going to do that to me. Sure enough, that Thursday night, I went out. Got fucked up. And I had a, because he was my, I felt so bad because he was my buddy. I had, I kept, keep calling back. I just landed, but I'm in the air, pill. Hold on, wait for me. I And you're still partying in LA. Huh? And you're still partying in L.A.

I would still be in L.A. But you didn't do Coke in the daytime, so you just be sober, just sitting there like, I don't want to go? Nighttime, last long time. I got to go to the battery. I got to get a battery. I got to get a battery right back. All right.

By that time. Do you want to pause? No, no. By that time, I would be down, but I would feel so bad about myself. I couldn't, I wouldn't be able to sleep, but I would feel so bad about that I would feel so bad about that I had that I had stayed up all night and done coke and now I'm missing this date I did that a couple times to people like if they weren't an improv or like a regular book or oh your chances were even less and if you sent me a deposit you're definitely not going to see me

what what about shows in L.A like if someone hired you to do a bar show or like something around LA. What do you see? Okay, let's say for some weird reason I didn't have a spot at the store. And I had three shows. The first show paid me 50. The second show

paid me 100. And the third show paid me $45. That $45 show had a 50-50 shot of me showing up. Because I already had the 100 and a quarter. What if I bumped into the man before I had

that I'm not making it that 30. It would be very rare unless I needed weed or something. My life was horrible. My comedy career was controlled by cocaine. I would never be where I'd be today if I was still doing coke. It could not have worse. Did the coke at worse or something? Because you always talk about how like you were out every night, this and that.

You weren't a bad coke at that. though, Joey. Since I've met you, I didn't know what it was when you were doing it, but I said I met you, I met a bunch of people who do coke all the time. And it just, your symptoms didn't look like Coke. You weren't a bad Coke head. You wouldn't get your face in truck. I took care business first. Yeah. Business was first. You said you always left. You want to do Coke? You can do all

the Coke you want. I will never get angry. I don't need for doing Coke. Lee, you tell me you like Coke. You like to eat pussy, whatever. I don't care. But as long as here at 7 a.m. You know? As long as you take care of what you have

to take care of. Like I wasn't cancel at the store in those days. Because that's like business. You got to do that. That's my business. You only cancel Rogan because it wouldn't fire you. So you were taking care of business. No, no. But even when I had to work by myself, I was doing it. I was

canceling on Rogan and I was canceling on comedy clubs on my own. Yourself, yeah. You know, Rogan, remember when I stopped working Sundays and I would just get up on Sunday and leave? Just gone. And he would get mad at me because I was trying to make a point. We're not working Sundays no more.

If you booked the Sunday, you book Sunday. I got a family. And I didn't have a family. I just had a girlfriend. But I wanted to have some type of family normality in my life. You did not want to work Sundays. I did not want to work Sundays. So I stopped working Sundays.

I like it. back on Sundays for potluck for the store. I could do my spot too. Yeah, no. So I'm like, come on, let's leave Sunday. I can do a spot at the store. And Rogan used to always would take us. He would take us to Phoenix, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday.

And one of those Florida clubs. Oh, yeah, but Austin also. Austin was a Sunday. Austin was a Sunday, too. I think he switched to Thursday. Eventually switched to Thursday. Oh, yeah, because once he had the kids, I talked them out of it.

I'm like, I'm not doing Sundays. And I still remember leaving him somewhere. Like, just not. I would just get up on Sunday and leave him. I can't imagine if any of my openers were like, we're like, no, I left. I'd be like, what? I might even have some respect for it, but I'm like, I'd be like, no, I mean, I'm never going to work with you again.

I needed somebody there. I fucking, I woke up. Here's the deal. In 1999, I woke up one Sunday in Dallas. I was working the Addison Improv, and I was working with my idol, Nick DePaolo, and I woke up that fucking Sunday, and I said, what the fuck am I doing here?

Honest to God. I was like, this is like beyond, like, I've told Lee because of, I don't mean, and you know more than anybody what I'm talking about. What? I have a very, very, very, very, very big religious background. Yeah. And I really believe in Sundays is the Lord's Day. That's why you don't work Sundays?

There's no work on Sunday. No, I'll tell you what my thing is, Ari. Okay. I believe that especially in the comedy that we have, in the business that we're in, there has to always be some type of normality. If not we forget who we are. You know, when you go home...

No, I agree with that. I agree with that. You need a day or two for, like, movie night. That's why I only do five or six days. We had, you know, I am so... Joe Rogan got that Spotify deal because there is a God. because if anybody knows Joe Rogan's generosity is you and I,

and how he took care of us and how we wouldn't be here today if it wasn't for Joe. Joe opened up a door for us and we ran through it. You follow what I'm saying to you? Fuck him. And then we- Give me my money. I want half of it.

Yeah. I mean, you have to really think about got Joe deserves, Joe bought me more steaks than my own mother bought me. Sometimes it would be like, it'd be like, oh, let's just get a sandwich or subway, but like, there's a foger to chow in town. There was no sign. There was no sign. I still remember walking out of a fogo to chow with you in Texas where he bought us a shot.

And this is 15 years ago. Oh, yeah. It was like a super expensive. It was a $450 shot of whiskey apiece. As a fucking digest thief. As in the aparthefe, the truck that goes by, he just called the lady over. And he goes, do him a favor, give him a shot of the best whiskey you got. And when he got the thing, he's like, Jesus Christ, it was $450 a shot.

I mean, that's how generous Joe has been to me. And I talked about this on this podcast Monday. That's why as a comic, you have to be happy when other comics elevate. you're not going to grow if you throw hate on people. When he got that deal because he's friends with Dave said out. There's always a fucking excuse. Can't somebody just get a deal because they work hard? Can't somebody just get rewarded?

Shut the fuck up! Who's saying that? He built the biggest thing in the world. He's done something phenomenal. So shut the fuck up. But if anybody knows, I mean, he took great canvas on the road. Absolutely. he ate, he ate. What he drank?

We went first class. It was nuts. I never ate so good. Oh my God. I remember you give me your first class ticket. Remember you going, you sitting in first class because I'm just going to sleep. I had respect from my elders. Yeah, no, this is my boy. He used to give me his first class seat with Rogan. I mean, we had

Oh, so he did take the first class away from him? No, no, no, no. He would always get one first class ticket, an extra one. To sit with him. Yeah, we'd switch off. Except with him and then we switch off and stuff. Or the UFC would get him and one companion ticket. Those were both for his class. So if he flew a third person, he's like, I'm not spending a fucking 1,100 on a flight.

I'll spend 100. And you know what? A lot of times he did. I don't know how I'm, I don't know if we get one time we did rascals in Orange, New Jersey, on the way home, we were walking. We were involved in a comedic conversation. Him and I have nothing in common. besides comedy.

When Joe and I talk comedy, that's why he loves me, because he knows the respect and the dedication. And I was a thief that never stole a joke. You know what I'm saying? Like, I'm a thief that never stole a joke.

If anyone would steal, it would be you. Because I believe this religion so much. It's funny. I used to some people that are like, oh, you're just a real common. comic, you just talk comedy theory, you can just get into it and talk and it's like almost at any level. It's like, oh, you're just like, yes, once people talk comedy theory and you start talking about the pause that Hicks took on that break, when he takes that point, when you start talking

to something and I know that they know comedy that much, that's it. We're on to a different level now. You're not telling me that you saw what's his name special on Netflix and it was great. It was amazing. When you tell me that you're just a lot. the same words. Oh, it was amazing. When you tell me that you saw... How do you live in that town still? When you tell me that you saw the Bob Newhart, the album I have here,

when you quote me a line from that and say to me the way he said it, Bob Newhart has a bit about defending Abe Lincoln at the proclamation. It's the weirdest joke you've ever heard. I'm not giving it any justice. My point being, when you find somebody like that that you connect with at a comedy level, that's why Joe and I get along.

Because Joe knows the respect I have for this whole thing of ours. This thing, to me, is a motorcycle gang. These guys don't act like it because we've become other things. But to me, I didn't become a comic to be a fucking whatever. I became a comic to be an out. I'm an outlaw. It's so weird when those people go so corporate. It's so strange.

It's like why you... The whatever. Yeah. You wanted to blend in with people? You want to be invited to rich Hollywood parties? This is why I don't want to do that. I never wanted to do that. It's not even the money. It's that they all like...

It's weird. In LA, you get this thing where they can't even make fun of actors because someone might know someone who knows them. And they're like, well, then I can't make fun of a movie and it's like oh you guys just i don't know i lost its bite yeah no it's it's a different thing but rogan got what he got but yeah some comics are still comics there for sure but no you know what's crazy about rogan how how much he spent on us he was making less than you are now on the road you know he might have had like i guess at some point he had the the fucking game show money but like still it wasn't like he was like super rich he was just like doing well but like he would

just throw money around. I think some weekends we made more than him. Yeah. For real, I've done a map. He would take care of us so much and the comedy freedom he gave you. It was a comedy. It was for us.

Let me tell you one of the best things you could do as a child. As a child is to go away for a week to a camp that specializes in something. Like if you go to a basketball camp or a football camp or baseball camp. My parents sent me to an investment camp. You went to an investment camp?

What? Where did you go? No. No, it's a sleepway camp. Jewish stuff. But it's really weird because it's seven days. That's nothing but that sport. Oh, right.

Oh, basketball camp. No, I've done those. Basketball camp. So when we used to go out with Rogan, when it was me, you, Duncan. Red Band, Duncan, Eddie, and Tate. It was pretty... And once in a well, Tom. It was pretty much two things going on there.

There was a comedy camp and a jiu-jitsu camp. Yeah. Okay. The comedy camp we were learning was... It's hard to believe. Like, I wish we could do... We could call that a tour. comedy camp because that's what it was.

Yeah. We were all on the same floor, you know, but when we- Stay out late eating and fucking- stay out late eating, shooting the shit, just talking. You know, I go to it with Rogan to eat at two in the morning, and then on the drive home,

he'd tell me how I have to lose weight. Then why'd you take me to eat for? What'd you take me to fucking steak for? If you want me to lose fucking weight for. Two in the morning steak and then say you got to lose weight. Yeah, man. You're fucking too fat. what the fucking take me to eat the fucking take for?

You know? That's a good point. He would always take me for the best fucking place in the city. You go with him in the city, it never ends. Like, there you want to get. That's hilarious. Yeah, let's go get some Thai food and fucking whatever. And then you don't order just one dish.

He's like, I'm going to get three and then pick from there. And you get three and then pick out of that. And then he gets like a dessert. Yeah, let me get. And then you want to have. after dessert, yeah. And then after it's all done, after he pays the tab, after he tells you he loves you,

on the way out the dog, he'll hug, you know, go, you got to start losing weight, dog. And you're like, what the, then why the fuck did you bring me here? Why did you take me to a salad spot? You take me to a fucking snake joint if I need to lose weight. Take me to chopped salad. I thank him a lot, and I thank you because we learned a lot from each other. And guess what, bro?

that's never going to happen again in this lifetime. It was so weird. It's going on the row with two crazy good comics. And it was like, just seeing the situations. And that was like, he didn't have the whole room there for Rogan. He had a lot of the room there for him. But a lot of them was just there for Saturday night out with their friends. And so he had to deal with some fucking rowdy people.

And it was like watching you guys deal with it. It was like, wow, that's a cool way to do it. Or that's a cool way to do it or make friends with them. It was the same shit I got from a comedy show later night too. We're seeing like Mooney deal with a heckler or any of, you guys or how to go hard or I don't know it's just like it is like comedy camp we're just sit in the back and just fucking watch and then talk about shit I still remember going with rogan to new york with duncan and telling duncan that i was going to get them lined up that night

with the chinks in chinatown to get them a shot of opium and we're going to go get our feet rubbed and shit right so our goal was to get rid of rogan so we get to the airport we get to new york you know, Rogan wants to go out right away and he wants to go to shoot pool. Oh, yeah, yeah. And we're like, who's opium? And Duncan's like, I'm starting to feel dying and all these shit.

And Duncan's looking at me like, let's get to Chinatown. Let's get opium. I kept making up this story. Her name is Mr. Rogan would never go to get opium. Oh, we were trying to put Rogan home to go to sleep. So you could. So him and I could sneak out and go get the fucking opium. But Rogan wouldn't stop.

He kept fucking shooting fucking eight ball. And we ended up getting home like a two. And I wasn't in my hotel room 10 minutes. Duncan's fucking calling me. Like, are we going to go down there and get the opium? And I'm like, are you fucking serious? You really want to go to China? Like, he really wanted to go.

You know that scene once upon a time in America? Yeah. Noodles. De Niro would go to the opium den. Oh, yeah. In Chinatown. It looks so cool. It was like a Chinese deed and the guy would give you a massage and shit.

That's where he wanted to go. We had to wait until Rogan went to sleep. I mean, it's fucking crazy shit, man. That's funny. That's funny when he didn't want to do some things. We in Red Band went to, we saw puppies at a puppy store, you know? And Rogan's like, he knew about it then before us. He was like, it's a puppy male.

They're fucking, all dogs are inbred or whatever. He was like, I can't, I can't. They're in cages. They should just, whatever. And we were going in. He's like, no, no. Don't. I can't. And we're like, fuck off. We're going to play with puppies. That's one time. You're not going to get us. And we were just like in there. You can't resist puppies. That was the only time I was like, ah, dude, I'm doing my thing. It was always fun, though. It was always fun. Fucking crazy late night Italian dinners and pool and drinks. Yeah, you never touched your wallet at all. God damn, it was fun. You never touched your wallet. It's, you know, I hate when I read negative shit about him online.

And I just want to. I'll stop writing that much. I want to tell people you have no idea. Yeah. That you really have no idea what you're talking about him. And I don't even want. That's just popularity shit. Whenever people say shit about him sometimes, I really want to give him a laundry list of things that he's done.

There's good stuff he's done. For people that nobody knows about. That nobody even has a clue about. I love when they call him a racist. I love it. I love it. I love it. Who calls him a racist?

Yeah, they say he's racist. People are crazy in this country. They did a thing. Somebody sent me a fucking email that the percentages of people he had on his guest. And I'm like, how does this affect your life? Oh, yeah, it's nuts. You know, she's like, well, he doesn't put the percentages of African-American women. Like, there was somebody who sent me a chart.

You guys haven't done anything yet. Ms. Pat's the only one of you done, darling. So she's on multiple times. So the rest of you are not enough African-American women. I think he's had Tiffany on. He loves Ms. Pat. What are you talking about? But they fucking want more percentages of shit.

What I don't understand is, why get your attention? behind something you don't like rather than just try to go build up a fucking this is what somebody, when we did my show the first year, it was just on the internet and somebody wrote a blog and it said this is not happening, had zero women on and that's ridiculous.

And then my manager who was producing it, a woman, wrote that person back and said we had seven women on. We had seven women on. Not zero, seven. And she goes, well, still wasn't quite enough. And then she goes, why don't you spend your time promoting women, we got Miss Pat.

We found Miss Pat in the middle of the out of Indianapolis. Why don't you spend some time writing about how great she is instead of doing this negative American thing like, I don't like this and I don't like this. Like then go do something about it. Prop up a fucking female. What are you, you're shitting on Rogan

because he doesn't book enough with that. Go prop somebody up. Don't complain about what's not the right way. He was getting hurt by him booking fucking Elon Musk. Or then you start a fucking Bill. billion dollar company he'll have you on black checks sort of billion dollar company i guarantee i'll have you on run a double marathon two in a row and then fucking kill a deer he'll have you on fuck nut it's always a pleasure to have you on monday morning we're recording yeah we're recording

i thought this is just me and you talking well talking about what you can't air any of that i said some terrible things no we're gonna fuck and we're gonna add this shit who gives the fuck anymore what are gonna cancel What are they're going to cancel? You ever hear what Louis' joke about it was? What is it? He said something offensive. People go, ooh, he goes, what are you going to do next?

Take away my birthday? Yeah, what are you going to do now? You already took away everything. What are they going to do? What are they going to do? They can't do nothing to you. They can't already do. Oh, that's the best.

It's so much fun. I can't wait to get back to L.A. and hang out. You know, it's so weird how. Let's do musical chairs with drugs one night at your place. People are fucking dying, and they're still talking about cancel culture. Go fuck yourself. That's what you know. We're all okay.

If you're focusing on some dumb shit like that, then we're okay as a group. I don't give too fucks about what's going on, man. That means nobody's in danger. I'm excited that we may be in Brayn. Here's what we should do from now on. When people start going like, I didn't like this. I don't like that. Like on comments, everyone else just respond with like, hey, dude, we're not doing that anymore.

Just have like 50 comments back. No, no, we're not doing that anymore. I don't like what I said about Armenians. Hey, we're not doing that. I'm pretty excited that they might. We'll find out today if I get Brayer next week. Brayette next week. I'm supposed to do governors in July, but they said it's like a quarter capacity.

This Thursday coming, I'll be in fucking bread. That'd be amazing. That'd be cool to get up again. Listen, Thursday, I feel bad because. It's the only thing I really miss. What's that? Is getting up. The socialization is tough.

Go fuck yourself for the socialization. But like, they're not getting up is a real problem. Two years ago, you wanted me to put you on an island. He didn't want to call nobody back and you want to get it off the same. the internet. Now you want to be Johnny Social. Go fuck yourself, all right? Now you want to be fucking... It's been three months. Now you want to be fucking... It's time to get back

to society. Now you want to be the chick on the fucking love boat. What's it? What's Julie McCoy? The chick on the love boat that used to greet everybody. She always had an idea. Go fuck yourself. Captain Steuben. Yeah, no. Captain Steuben ran the joint. But Julie McCoy was a chick who when she came on, she always had ideas.

Remember Charo? Remember when Charo was on? with a fucking crazy hat. She was on like seven times. Two years ago, you're done with social media, now you want to meet people. Get the fuck out of you. They got COVID. I met people at hospitals.

Anybody who's got COVID, you got to shave an eyebrow, I'm telling you. So I know I'm doing business with you. This is going to turn into Mad Max pretty soon. They got to shake. And DeRosa both had it. Yeah, they got to shoot a little fucking thing here.

Michael Yo had it. A couple people had it. My heart goes out to them. This has been a fucking horrible time for, A lot of good fucking people. And I'm happy that we could fucking bring some joy of their lives on a Monday morning cuck sucker.

Yeah. A lot of those people who died from COVID were the opposite party from whatever you're listening to as party. So it was okay. Listen, God forbid. I don't ever applaud death. But what people, what they forget to tell you is,

and this isn't, you know what, man, you ever see some, I saw my uncle the other day, he's 82. to Ari, he looks like a million bucks. But that's because he walks five miles a day, and that's because he hits a boxing bag, 30 minutes every day. That's great. And he still fucks and sucks.

He fucks a 40-year-old every Thursday. And, you know, there's a way to be an old man. Your father just went to fucking Kilimanjaro or whatever. That's right. And walked it, you know. What are we talking about? how great old people are how great old people are I forgot what the fuck

I was going to say I said we just got to give them some cash so they can fucking order free delivery groceries or something people die from COVID what I'm trying to say to you is that what about the people that were born during COVID they never mentioned that in the stance

a lot of these people that died during COVID were halfway there already that's a sad thing they were halfway there already COVID took what little system they had and destroyed it. You know, it really, what was the average age 81?

I don't know. I don't have the facts. I'm not a scientific guy. I just know a lot of unnecessary death game. Whether it's true, false, whatever, it doesn't matter. Joey, how much? And we're coming back and that's all. You know, they have a number.

They have a number of how much each life is worth. So, like, if they raise a speed limit five miles an hour, that'll probably mean, like, seven extra deaths a year. And so they go, okay, let's weigh that against how much better it is for the economy to get people to work five minutes faster. And that number they've always come up with is like, is this safety measure worth, it's $10 million per human life. That's about the number they decide. Is this much loss to the economy, $10 million? That's one life.

That's break-even. If it's $10 million and $1, we can lose one person. And I think they're not even looking now if it's like more or less than that, but that's how much of human life comes down to. At some point, you got to get on. We need that cash. That's the way of the world. That's a fucking cold reality of the world. And people are like, look, it sucks, it sucks.

They always want to say that. But it's like, we're putting you out to pasture because we got to get back. That's all right. They already had that system. $10 million. You know what? I already had a good time. I did some time.

I made a few movies. I got to do some spots at the store. Yeah. I got my dick suck. That's what I said the other day. It makes you happy. It's like, hey, this life has been pretty fucking good. You know what, man?

It's been good to me so far. From here on in. From here. on in like I was telling my friend yeah that can't even believe I'm still fucking alive I still can't believe it but guess what Keith Richards is alive Ozzy Osbourne still alive and kicking and I'm gonna keep doing what I'm doing

very very good to me yep I'm gonna keep I got my bicycle my mountain bike what yeah you could have come skiing with me next next winter no there's no skiing in my shape yours oh snowboarding sorry I know how rad you are dude I know how you shredding are There's no snowboard knee. At my age, those days are done. You just fucking lost your hand. You're like a half a gimp.

You can't put your hand on a table. Every other year. I didn't break anything last year. I went skiing five days. Did you? Not a single break. A couple falls. You're a fucking lunatic.

I love you, cock sucker. We got no dates. We got no dates, but I got dates this weekend, hopefully, so we'll know. Can I say one thing that I did start a YouTube channel? YouTube.com. Schuceptic Tank. Joey Diaz is on there. I'm doing live, actual video podcast now,

just like you're seeing this. So go check it out. And yoga and fucking other podcasts, too. Okay. Say hello to your family for me. Hey, they always ask about you. They're asking about your daughter the other day. Like, how old is she?

She's got the thing your father sent me on her wall. What? The thing that you're rude. You rubbed during Passover for good luck. The Missouza? The Missouza. That's right. That's right.

It's in her room. She loves it. sent you that and then she read all about it and she did a whole the prayer that's in there is hero Israel I am the Lord I am a whole ear beating about it she loved it and I'll continue with CBD line I'll try to get them on for you

oh yeah dude that fucking topical CBD is like a legit real helper from my muscles unbelievable can you spread right into the muscle that's what I swear by I love that dog I've been telling these motherfuckers that the CBD line cream has changed my

fucking life. Because you know, if you're going a long walk, you know sometimes like towards the end, it's going to start getting sore. So halfway through, just spread some in where you know it's going to get sore, and then when you get back to some more. It's great and it's legal. Bro, I don't leave the house with everything

my knees, I rubbed them on my thighs. It's fucking crazy. I wish to show the camera how better my legs. My legs used to always be dry and shit, no matter how much your class. Culture.

Maybe she's just some of these creams. Oh, I do those. Those are fucking whatever pose. Sit down before you break an ankle. Yogi. I love you, Yogi, Yogi, Yogi, Yogi.

Stay in touch, Cox. Thank you for coming on today. Yeah, of course. We're back, bitches. I hope you enjoyed that little Te-Tote with Ari. Like I said, he's a good man. He's made mistakes. Who hasn't?

He haven't made no mistakes? You know what I'm saying? Go fuck you, son. Let's spark up another fucking joy Out of respect for you, motherfuckers, for listening today on a Wednesday for paying attention. When my daughter eats,

she's a little girl, so when she eats, she goes, mm-hmm, mm-hmm. She makes noises and shit. I don't make noises. When I spoke rea, this is my world. He goes, you make this noises like you're drinking a strawberry milkshake or something. This is it.

This is my world. This is all you need right here. This has been my world since I was fucking 12. This is what keeps me saying. this is what keeps me fucking active is my savior beside Buddha beside fucking Allah

beside God this is my number two savior and super bad the cat I missed that cuck-suckled all my life anyway I hope you enjoyed the R.E. I've had you long enough today you know I love you motherfuckers with all my heart and stuff uh keep your doors closed

be vigilant you know you know the fucking church rules cucks, I can keep your eyes open, keep your mouth shut, your ears wide open, and that's all you need to know. And the heart is what it's all about. If you're angry, if you're mad, check your heart, write it out, and work on it. You know, I don't know how it worked for me, but it did. I don't question my cocaine anymore. I don't question anything. It's a higher power, and you got to tap into it. All right. I'm happy you enjoyed the podcast today and Monday's podcast. And that's it and that's

that. Before we leave, though, again, we got to go with my brother, CBD Lion. I talked the end of the other day when he told me about the fucking tape, I can't wait. You know, you ever go to chiropractic's office and they put the tape on your back? Just keep your back straight. That's it. You can do that at home now.

They got that 10 inches. Oh, my God. CBD Lion got you covered everywhere. Whether it's the bat balls, the vapor pens, the gummies, the fucking tinctures, which are fucking tremendous. The tinctures are, you put it under your tongue and let the fucking, it's a shooting a load in a girl's mouth. You ever shoot a load in their mouth?

Their eyeballs kind of spin. That's what happens when you put CBD line under your tongue. You sleep better, your inflammation. I mean, you know, this is what I'm talking about, guys. Go to CBDline.com right now. Check out their fucking webpage. Look at the third-party lap results. You think I'm fucking what you're here.

Try those gummy bears. If you don't like those fucking raspberry gummy bears, as gummies, they're little squares. I think they're 500 milligrams. You have to double check. I got a lot of numbers in my head. You know what I'm saying? But check them out.

You're going to fucking love CBD Lyon. Whether you're fucking walking, you need a little something because you hold the knee pain, whatever the fuck your ailment is, go to CBDLand.com, and they'll tell you what to get to match that fucking ailment.

Whether it's depression, anxiety, insomnia. Who does that? Who fucking takes care of you like that? CBD lion.com. And don't forget, it's time,

listen, we're fucking in quarantine now, six o'clock. You've got to have the best dick you've ever had right now. You're serving up the best dick. You're like, your dick is Ruth Chris. You're the Ruth Chris of dick right now. Because there's nothing to do. How many times you're going to watch Ozark?

How many times you're going to watch Joe the Lion? How many times can you watch fucking Wheel of Fortune and fuck? all these other shitty fucking shows on TV. There's times you got to look at mom and say, you know what, the kids are asleep? Let me give you a stab. But now I got you covered.

Because sometimes it's late at night. Your dick ain't working. You're a little older. You know, listen, when I was 20, up until the time, 30, 35, my dick was always unfucking blast. Double blast. Even after you come, you know how your fucking dick dies for a little while? I would come and be right back.

That's when I had to just get that first horse out of there. Once I get that first shot out of there It's all over for that pussy I'm coming like a savage Not anymore I'm a 57 year old man I don't got dick like that That's why the church

Is talking to you about blue chew You're like what the fuck are you talking about Joey I'm talking about blue chew It's a chewable dick pill Which means it works fast Blue Chew has the same FDA approved Active ingredients as Viagra and Cialis This ain't no fucking package

That you get to fucking liquor store Blue Chew is prescribed online by a licensed physician. And you don't have to go to the fucking doctor's office and wait online with eight other fucking idiots with mask on. This is done right from your fucking office there, right from your house. And it ships right to your door and a discreet package. It's not going to have like a dick on the envelope

so the mailman knows. You got fucking dead dick. Nothing like that. It ships right to the door. Nobody knows nothing. And since Blue Shoe ships direct, They're cheaper than the fucking pharmacy And best of all, there's no awkwardness

But Joy, what's so good about a chewable dick pill? You know what's so good about it? You could take it any time. Just like that, boom. Anytime, day or night, even on a full stomach. And since they're chewable, they work up twice as fast as a fucking pill. Turn your fucking little dead dick of a fucking disgust Into a hot rod of fucking debt.

You got to treat up pussy. This is the fucking Indiana. Apple's 500 now. That's it. They ain't no fucking around. I'm going out heavy. And even if you still got good dick, why not fucking add extra fucking incentive? Go to bluechoo.com right now and get your first shipment for free when you press in code church. You understand what I'm trying to say to you? Free. What do you got the fuck? Free. And this is all prescribed by a physician. It's done in fucking two minutes. Two fucking minutes. You answer a couple questions. The guy pops up. Tell him, and he fucking sends it to you.

That's how fast this is. You don't need to leave your fucking house, okay? So right now, go to bluechew.com and get your first shipment free and press in code church. Just pay the $5 for shipping, all right? Again, that's blue, like the color of her beautiful blue eyes. And it's chew, like when you chew up bubble gum. Bluechew.com, okay?

Slash church, pressing code church. And that's it, all right? I want to thank Bluechoo.com and I want to thank CBD lion dot com. And I want to thank the fucking deli.

Oh. Uncle Paulies in Beverly Hills. And Beverly Hills and downtown, hopefully they're fine and safe. I love you, motherfuckers. I don't want to take any more

your time. I know you got other podcast you want to listen to. So far, we're on for the 11th to the 13th in Irvine. Don't tell nobody. Embraea, Improv and Brea, the 11th to the 13th.

That's the word on the street. I don't know nothing. The schedule still has me on for this Friday and Saturday. Ain't nobody going to sit in the fucking room this Friday and Saturday and watch comedy with these fucking savages out there. You might get looted yourself. So I love you guys at all my heart. Stay safe.

Stay black. Stay strong. Get it together. Don't let nobody fuck with you. And that's it. I see you motherfuckers bright and early. Monday morning. Tip top, Magoo.

I'll be sending you a fucking video out this Friday, so keep your eyes open for it just to check up on you motherfuckers because I love you, all right? Kick this fucking meal league.