The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #795 - Rodrigo Torres

Episode Date: June 15, 2020

Rodrigo Torres, comedian, co-host of the "What's Up Fool?" podcast and host of the "Yeah Man" podcast, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt LIVE in studio.   This podcast is brought to you by:   MeUndies - Go to Meundies.com/JOEY and get 15% off of your first purchase and FREE shipping.    CBD Lion - For all of your CBD needs, from shatter to gummies, go to www.CBDLion.com and use code CHURCH for 20% off.  

You know what? You got riots. You got fucking COVID. You got Black Lives Matter. And you haven't heard a word from the fucking Scientologist, have you? And if any, but not a fucking peep, those cock suckers. And all those parades around Hollywood Boulevard. They ain't out there giving out IQ test out of you.

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church And get 20% off your first order to deliver right to your house. It's going to take care of you like that on the Monday morning. It's fucking June the 15th. You've been doing, you already did your 90-day sentence. That's it. You're out. You remember all these people? I can never go to jail.

You just did 90 days, bitch. Same difference. Kick this motherfucker mulee. Take your time. Oh shit. Get off like fucking to that direction. No more fucking excuse. This is the year of the fucking soldier.

We're going in like fucking Marines. You understand me? Welcome to church, mother. Fucker. Oh shit. Monday morning. The 15th, you're halfway there, cock lickers. The COVID is spreading.

Check your pants. You never know. What? The guest today is my main man, Rodrigo. I don't even know what his last name is. Sanchez Torres. Torres, yeah, man. Rodrigo Torres.

He's the co-host of What's Up Pool podcast and a dear dear friend to me for over fucking 20 years. I mean, one of my most embarrassing nights was him seeing me on fucking meth up and baked his field. Oh, Stockton. That was a Louis Blan gig.

Louis Blan. He just called me a couple months ago. He's back. He's doing benefits and shit. Good man. What's going on, Rodrigo? Nothing right here, just getting out of that 90-day sentence. You imagine. We would have just been getting out of jail today. It would have been looking like George Clooney in Ocean's 11. Getting out with a tuxedo on with the half a vest on. I never seen nobody got out of jail with a suit on.

Everybody gets out of jail with that little fucking and state issued fucking shirt they give you from Woolworths. And they give you that little bag with your little commie toothpaste and shit. Hell yeah. Just to get you over. Hop on the bus and go home. Hop on the bus, Gus. And they give you 100 on the way out.

People can't wait to get that first yardstick. Did you know that, Lee, on the way out, they give you like $114. Yeah, but that's all you have. That's it. But who gives a fuck? And you're a prisoner and you're just getting out $100, $100, $100. You know what I'm saying? You just blow it, Doug.

Do you get the mom's house on the house? away the moms. You stop at the liquor store and see Louis, you play your lotto numbers. It's all over, Jack. You're back. I mean, obviously, I think, like, this is easier than jail. But how similar is it? Like, isn't, is it the same mental, like, place? Your mind has been in jail. When your mind's in jail, your mind's been beat up by the media. Your mind's been told not to go out, go out. You can wear the mask. You got to stay eight feet. you got to touch this, you can get it. No, oh, guess what now?

You don't get it from surfaces no more. Oh, guess what now? You have to be person to person transmission. That's where that mental damage. All that mental damage, you know, it's truly weird. I've been talking to people lately that are opening up their businesses and they're telling me that they're losing two or three employees, that the employees told them right out, listen, we'll cancel the unemployment.

We're just not ready to walk into that situation. When I heard that, I was like, you know what, I feel the same way. The first time I walked into the weed store, and there was five people. I lost my bodily fluid. It's different. I went deaf. It takes little by little, and I've been making little steps, going to acupuncture, you know, going to the fucking doctors. I wouldn't did that MRI.

I finally went back to Novothor. I've been taking little steps. Everything is written down in case I start turning purple in the middle of the fucking night. You know where the fuck I'd been? And now they're going to do a back check to see where you've been. Yeah, the tracing your ass. Yeah. So if I was anybody, I keep my life that simple right now.

Keep your life simple. It is not gone. If you believe it or not believe it, it doesn't make a difference to me. Do I believe it fully? I know there's something else involved, but since I have had friends that have had sick, they've tested positive, they've told me the results. Some people ended up in the hospital.

some people just had a fever for four days. You know, I don't know what it is. I can't afford to get sick, especially on the road. Like I saw last night, what if you were in Atlanta Saturday night? They burned down that fucking Wendy's. I mean, when I called Lee was crying. I called me. He was crying.

I go, Lee, what's going on? I go, what do you mean? What's going on? Black people jumping outside the Wendy's. I don't know what the Wendy's did. I can't fucking, yeah, yeah. They gave him chicken sandwiches and everybody was happy. Fucking Wednesday.

everybody was happening when they were outside giving spicy chicken sandwiches all since Saturday night the place up on fucking fire and I know if Lee was there he'd be looting Lee'd be going in there getting those last little square burgers he'd be at home like Johnny Wendy by himself and he fit making Wendy burgers he was crying when Wendy's was burning sad day but it's fucked up though because all those people I mean you got riots still lingering around you got the COVID still lingering out around and everybody that's mentally fucked. You got a couple blowhards out there.

I don't give a fuck. I'm opening my business. I'm going back to work. I understand that. Each one of those guys, you've got a thousand people that are scared. They're scared. There's businesses that got in the green light and still have not opened. Yeah, because I noticed a couple weeks ago they had restaurants in L.A.

open for like sit down and a lot of them are still just take it. Just take it. I'll let me tell you some. People who were rushing to open have realized one thing. that not that many people are coming out. Now the real reality is coming in. Now the real realities are coming in that,

yeah, you open. Now what? You thought that everybody's going to run in with this, of them of these money. There's a million people in this country who live hand to mouth. There's a lot more people living hand to mouth. A lot more people fucking slinging deck.

Oh, hell yeah. You know, we just don't see it because we're up here in fairy tale fucking Ville. But I know for a fact that there's people, you know, they go hand to mouth. Even in fairy tale land, they go hand to fuck them out. So all these people who thought, I'm going to get back to work.

I'm losing money by the day. Once you open, you ain't going to make that much money either. If you've noticed, every restaurant you go to, you wait a couple minutes for your food. They don't have to be people back there no more. They got one guy. If 20 people decide to eat Chinese on the same day, you're waiting 45 fucking minutes.

Somebody just told me they waited an hour and a half for a delivery a couple weeks ago. Oh, that happened to you? From a Mexican place. You know, it is what it is, man. And it's going to be a new life. And, you know, look at these stand-ups that are going out right now. I would have hated to be in Atlanta Saturday night.

That would have been crazy. Trying to get out Sunday. We don't know what's going to happen in any city at any given weekend. Didn't the riots a couple of week ago kind of stunt a little bit of the shows that were out there? Like in Houston? Yeah, yeah. They fucking, you know, they canceled shows. You don't know what the fuck's going to happen.

I mean, right now is the time where, like, you know, you got to sit back and just look, you know. You know, Gabriel's doing the right thing. There's a lot of guys that just said, listen, we rescheduled once. They just got a call. They pushed it back. You know, Gabriel made whatever. Go to Forbes. You don't need to go out this year.

He'll need to put that stress on himself. There's a lot of guys who need to go out that you think the same thing. You know what? I got a wife and a kid. Maybe for six months I'll eat it and I go to fucking Valley Ford and sell cars for six months. Still do comedy locally. still do all the clubs and everything when it opens up. You know, but you've got to adjust this.

That's all this. It's just a fucking adjustment. You're switching gears right now. Because I know a lot of people want to be out there for the fans. They're going to be out there first for the people that go out there first. If not, they're going to forget about you. They're not going to figure about you. You know, I'm sure that's a factor.

You know what? I'm not going out. Guess what? They're not forgetting about me and I'm not forgetting about them. They know. If they know anything about me, they know them for, 37 years old. They know that, you know, I have hypertension. You can hear it on my voice, that I have the beginnings of emphysema. So whatever you want to think, you could think. You know, you've got to go away to be missed. You got to go away to be missed.

So that's it. This should have shown up in your town every year and expecting people to come to your shows and, you know, I don't expect nothing from nobody. my concern, to be honest to you, isn't even my safety, to be honest here. It's a little bit of my safety. I don't want to bring nothing home. And I don't want to burden my wife by getting sick or getting hit the head with a brick and fucking

some time that I go out of because somebody wants a riot that night. My concern is really the audience. I would hate to get a fucking Facebook from somebody saying, hey man, I went to your show last week at the improv and three days later I tested positive for COVID. You know, unless you're a fucking

moron now you're retracing your steps and you're watching where you're going and you're being a little bit open-minded you know not open-minded but reasonable reasonable there's 19 people in that circle with Mascot

one of them's got to have the Hiv he had it one of them's got to have something you know what I'm saying why go over there hello how you doing hey where you going I gotta go pick up the kid fuck you

you you, you know. And I'm very, some people, yesterday I went to the park with my daughter, sadly. I saw some people having a party. Do you know? All of a mad face mask.

And they did a social distancing. And, you know, there's people who care. There's people who don't give a fuck. I respect you too. I think if I didn't have a wife and a kid, I'd be a hypocrite to tell you that I wouldn't wear dick. Right. You know, I would be out there.

I'd be in Vegas right now getting hit with that fucking protest of breath. Right to the neck. You know what I'm saying? If you're going to go to a party like that, too, Coco, it's like, why don't you just do that party through Zoom? What the fuck? I'll tell you what. I got to be honest with you.

I don't want to do nothing through Zoom. It's horrible, huh? I tried Zoom with my friends from high school the other night. Just, just for a difference. You know, I was like, how many nights can I go to the office and listen to stupid music? My friends are having a Zoom. Maybe this will cheer me up a little bit.

It's been 20 years since I've seen half these guys. Bro, I just had a pull the plug. First of all, my internet doesn't do well between 5.30 and 7 for some reason. Probably the height of everybody using it. My internet just doesn't do well. It's a little sluggish. After dinner, I have an hour. I put my weight watching points.

It doesn't stick. I got to shut the phone off. I got to find the fucking whatever. So that was, it was stuttering. What is that called? lagging. Lagging. And then it just got lost.

And I was like, you know what? Once it lost, I was like, that's a sign from God to tap out. I was going to one guy. Then I was going to one guy. And it was just not for me. And zooming is not for me. If you got to do it, you got to do it. I try my best to wrap around it and make it interesting.

But it's not for fucking me, man. Some of those, like, podcasts, you've got to do it because of the distance, that's what we're doing on the What's Up full podcast right now. But when motherfuckers go to the length of doing comedy shows on there,

that's where just like, you know, that shit's going to last there forever, too. Listen, I wanted to break. I look forward to this break. I didn't know this break was coming, but we needed this break. But let's fuck COVID,

fuck everything. What's going on with you, Gene? Nothing, man. You got a fucking kid now. It's all different. I mean, we've been in the game a long time together. We go back.

a long time. You won the first place in the Joey Dears impersonation contest. You took Joe Rogan down. You know what I'm saying? Took him down. He still talks about it.

He's ready for you. But he don't have the walk. See, he lost because he don't have the walk. Like you said it before. It's a cadence. You came in with the walk and he has the motion. Right, right, right. And the voice.

But he don't have the walk. You got to show up with the pigeon toe. That's the whole thing. If you don't show up with the pigeon toe to do Uncle Joey, you fucked up already. You got to show up with the pigeon toe. Yeah. And then, no, not to interrupt you, but a lot of people think that Joey Dia's impression is just that rough out the pocket. But it's not. There's like 17 versions of Coco. You know what I mean? You can be a sweetheart cupcake. And then the next thing, you know, he's hitting you upside the head with the glass. I love all that shit. You know, I love all that shit. You know, but you also got to, you know, you got to love that East Coast, New Jersey fucking all that lingo, dog. And that's what it's about. If you're into that mafia shit, like your representation of that reason.

of America. So it's like, you know, if you love all that shit and like, you know, you slick your hair back, all the attitude, all that shit. You got to throw that all in there. So some people just go for that, you know, fucking slice your throat, Joey. But I mean, I do the whole fucking thing with the tennis shoes, the foot, the hip, the looks, smiles, like everything. Somebody asked me, who do you want to play you in your movie? You better have a pigeon toe. Or he better act good, you know what I'm saying? Because if you don't show up with that fucking ripe pigeon toe, people have... What's a pigeon toe? The way, my pigeon foot the way it goes in oh goes in okay and it affects me it's something to do with my hip to be

honestly it's something to do with my hip that's why i keep fucking this knee up i find myself driving with my heel with my foot pointed right in the car your legs are kind of a contradiction so my my legs my hip is kind of weird it just goes to the side yeah not to sound creep or nothing i remember going your apartment and you the way you lay down with your cats you you know you lay down a different way You know, some people, you know, do the little fucking yoga thing or just on their stomach and shit. But you're just like, you're like an octopus almost, dog, and you're sitting in with a cat. You don't call the own. Yeah, dog.

Some gay guy from West Hollywood. So it's, your shit's very distinct. You know, your swag. So, you know, you got to emulate all that. You're really good at impressions. Like, when did that start with you? Dude, it started a long time ago. Dude, it started with the movie La Bamba.

I used to do Richie Valens, but through like, you know, fucking, uh, the Philadelphia. you know, what's the name fucking, the actor, Lou Diamond Phillips. Yeah. And my mom didn't like that shit. She smacked me a couple times. I don't know why. She's just like, don't.

And then, you know, doing impressions of them and doing impressions of family members. But it didn't start breaking until this guy that caught me stealing. They would come like, basically just a little Mexican store would come to the neighborhood. And it's just like a big old, like not a U-Ha truck,

but just those big old paint truck. Yeah. Exactly. But it had a bunch of shelves. It had dry goods mostly. Candies, fucking warm, saw it, everything. I love Mexican people. So, you know, everything was cash and credit. So we'd go up there and then the guy had a distinct voice. He looked a little way. He looked like a cheap ass Elvis, you know, and I would do impressions of him. And then that's when they started laughing. I guess it was, I don't know what the fuck it was, like stop fucking around. But then people would distinct voices. There was another guy that lived in the neighborhood right there that he had a, he was kind of gay. Well, he was gay. But nobody said he was gay. And he had a little voice and a little way about him. And then I would do the voice. People would just start fucking, just dying. And then doing a of my uncles and shit and just people that had a distinct voice something that you know you

that you noticed everybody would notice about them and then just copy it real quick and if I liked them too because I mean some people are doing the impression of this fool fool it's like I can't really do it but I think if you know you kind of like got to fall in love with it same thing with James Gandalfini that's where that whole East Coast shit right there yeah it's crazy how you know I'm looking at you when I met you it was you and Vinny and you were kids and you were still going out every night to see rock bands and shit. Yeah, man. Fucking Vinnie. I still remember you guys going to see cake. Yeah, yeah.

We took Felipe to the Mayan. To the Mayan. Right there in Los Angeles. You know, the other day, I was thinking you're coming on. I was in the kitchen doing something. And I was thinking about how many fucking nights a week we were out then. Like, that was it. Monday nights, we were always at that place. Sunset Room. Sunset Room.

And I still remember looking at the clock And they'd be in a quarter of two And we were still out there talking shit Eating donuts Like nine of us That'd be a giant A joint going across Laughing and smoking

I did Cassius' Morris podcast A couple weeks ago And he asked me a question about You know what happened And I go you know I got a little jaded with comedy Once it And I got a bunch of emails about it

Do you hate comedy? No I didn't hate comedy I just hated what it became. It was something, it was 10 years ago, there was nothing going on for none of us. And on those nights, how happy were we?

Nobody had nothing going on. I had a movie, big deal. That's it. Everybody had one like thing going on, and that was it. And it's all these guys, nobody was getting more money and nobody. Everybody was getting $30, $35 a free drink.

Remember the owner would put out a food platter? That should get devoured? to the wings, the wings would be fucking raw. But you didn't give a fuck because you were flat broke. They just saved you $8. You don't have to stop at fucking Taco World and eat, you know. Just, I think back of those nights, and that's what people don't understand, that that's the fun times of comedy.

Rather than Seattle, with Josh Wolfe and all those dudes, you know, when four guys back in a car and you go invade a gig, like you don't give a fuck. like what are we doing tonight Rodrigo's doing a feature over at the improv who's the headliner such and such all we need is one motherfucker to say

fuck him it'll start and it'll start and it's like let's go down there and we just go down there and the headliner will look and go what's going on we're doing a guess that with Rodrigo

what I was in the forum you don't need to know nothing on the back before you get smacked when we lived in Seattle we were doing that shit. It was gangster comedy. There was a gig on Fridays. I never showed up to

and she paid me every week. She made me the house MC and I was like 25 bucks for a Navy base. I'm not going down there but the checks kept coming and she would call me and say how's the room going on Fridays? I'm like great. Stop. No, you didn't. How long this lasts? Four or five weeks

until she called me. She's like that's saying you haven't been showing up. I go yeah, I do the time and leave. No, he says, yeah, I mean, this, Pat Wilson was the name. Good lady, she's still around. That's it. She's got to be about 90 now. 25 bucks a week, that's a good lady, though.

It was 25, it was it Pat Wilson? There was two people who booked that room. There was a gay Cuban guy who booked the old improv in Seattle, and now he was booked, like, the improv was closed, but the people who owned it still booked out Friday and Saturday. So he would just get a bunch of $50 comics. just fill it up. And there'd be 100 people.

And then it was right across in the Pike Peak market. Right across. Right across. Prime little spot. You go to the corner, cross the street, and right there was Pike's Peak.

And if you cross that corner and crossed the street, it's the strip club. A hundred ugly ones and one fat one, Dejaveu, was right there. Right there, right there.

Like, it was like the fucking hottest corner in the world. He had, I forget what his name was, Alejandro or some shit like that. that. But all those nights is with people you know how many of us out of us that were hanging out? Five of us

had to get up and go to work at 8. And you didn't give it for it. Like that's how much you loved common. That you had to be at work at 8, but it's like I'm here with Martin, Felipe, Joey, Edwin.

You know, there was like nine of us rolling deep. You know, I can't imagine. You know, they just George Perez. George Perez. This is 2010, 2010, 2008, 2009. This is 11 years ago. I mean, when I made you, I was still doing drugs. So you figure, I met in 2001.

Yeah, that's 19 years ago. I was deep in it. That's not I was wearing the fat. What was the name of that big? Yeah, Dada. Big Daddy. Or Big Daddy. Big Daddy.

But you had the Dada shoes. You were endorsed by them. They gave you a bunch of clothes. The only reason why I had Dada. Big Dog. Dada was because that's what they sold their fucking marshals. I thought you were getting hooked up. No.

Oh, okay. Every Friday, when I get my $45 check from the comedy store, I go over to LaBreya and the Sunset. What's that Marshalls? And that's what they had. So if you wore a 3X or above, you got Dada like a motherfucker. That's it, fuck.

You got Black Lives Matter shirts, you know, for the big deal. Those big diabetes brothers, that's what you got left over. Whatever shirts they don't use of the diabetes clinic. Who are the big diabetes brothers? Who are the brothers from whatever? Those big brothers. The fat boys.

So, once that's where the diabetes brothers send their clothes to marshals. So I were going there on a fucking Friday night and bust out of the warm-up suit for 30. I was in there switching tags then. I was putting green dots. on them. Remember they put a green hanger on the thing? I just switched to suit and rub it up. They look at me, get it for ten bucks.

It was fucking ridiculous when I was doing those days. They weren't ready for me. The next door was a headshot store. Back in the day there was a little on the corner of Marshalls. It's long gone. The little Asian guy that had a headshot store. So I would order the headshots on Tuesday any time he'd come back Friday. And then Friday it'd come back. I'd go get a swear

a Dada sweater or diabetic sweater. And then I'd go in to get my head shots for the week. And there was something out. There was a 7-Eleven. It's still there by marshals. And all that shit's still there. They got like a Hawaiian food. I haven't been in that mall in 12 or 13 years.

I haven't driven that more. There used to be a blockbuster there. Right there on the corner. I'm his blockbuster. I think the only thing that's new in there, they got a Starbucks in there now. Yeah, but that's crazy, Rodrigo, that you and I go back that long, and then we were rocking and rolling, and then 2007, when the stock market crashed, right?

That's when we realized that we were rolling. All those rooms shut down. Yeah. There was so many Mexican rooms. The Mexicans, I got to hand it down to the Mexicans, bro, and I thanked them a lot. All of them, from Sebastian Satina to Rudy Moreno, they might not know. know it, you know, they really made, it was like a double training. I was getting comedy store training and combat training at those Mexican rooms.

I even got to give props to Ernie G up at the fucking Universal on Monday nights. The Rumba Room. The Rumba Room. You know, these are things that you did. You just did. You woke up on Monday, you went, ooh, I got a spot the Rumba Room. That's number one. Let's see if the Laugh Factory calls me back.

So you'd pop an 8.35 at the Laugh Factory and then run up to Universal City Park. And then if you were lucky, you got a 12 at the comedy store. And you shot back down fucking from Universal. Ernie paid you 40. That's tremendous. $40. I'm $5 away from my goal. You know what I'm saying?

$10 I can put a nickel in the gas tank and really get the party started. I know you're saying that you miss those times. I get it. But, like, is it sustainable? Like, if you were still at 57 surviving our $40 gigs, would you still enjoy it, do you think? If I wasn't doing blow, listen, some people's priorities are some people's priorities.

I look at it for the pure bottom line. Everything has a square root, correct? Mm-hmm. You're on stage. You're living in Los Angeles, and you're working at your dream. You're not Kevin Hart Who cares

You're not Dave Chappelle IE 46 You're not Joe Rogan You're not Mark Marion You're not Doesn't matter You're still in the fucking game And your dream is still alive

Okay So let's say this pandemic came along And took the wind out of your sales And you couldn't pay rent for a few months And you go back to Boston Or back to Atlanta Or back to Philadelphia or back to Mexico.

Does that make you less of a comic? No. You're still a comic. You just have to adjust to your surroundings now. So how am I going to make it as a local comic? Oh shit. Look at that bar on the corner. They do a sports night on Wednesday.

Let me go talk to them. You got to go back to the basics. Boom. You go back to the basics. Yo, what's going to? And then you have three clubs. So you got to find one of the three clubs. Listen, I'm a headliner.

You and I both know it. You saw me in the longest yard. You saw me, whatever. What if I came in here four nights a week and emceived for you? And I promised to just do new material. I'm not here to destroy the feature. But at least you give you a show some, you know, and I can work with the open micers.

You know, that, that, you know, all shit like that. That all works. You got to adapt. You got to adapt. Go to your radio station. How you doing? My name is Joey Diaz. I'm not looking for money.

I'm looking to come in as an intern. You're Joey Diaz from the movie? Yeah, why do you want to come as an intern? Because I can't go on the road, and I got nothing else going on. I move back to be close to my fucking dead uncle. I love him, blah, blah, blah. You know, whatever your situation is,

you're always going to be a comic. You move to the Philippines, you're cutting pigeon heads off. In the daytime, but at night you're doing comedy in between fucking karaoke people. will you figure it out if you really love doing what you're doing you figure it out

let's say you've come out of you and you've exhausted all your avenues and now you move back to wherever the fuck you're from and you get a day job and it may be something that you want maybe something that you don't like but you're just paying the bills you've cut your rent down low

you're back home you know wherever the fuck you're from the rents are low somewhere in Ohio or Milwaukee I don't know where you're from you know comedy is great at that level because you're going to get top dollar at night

so you're going to make a couple hundred a week extra and get your day job it never ends you never stop being a comic you don't quit comedy because you didn't get a TV show that means you didn't love it

you didn't love it from day one you gotta love this you gotta love that part of it yes I love it I love getting a nice check and going on the road for a weekend. But I'm telling you, Rodrigo, if I knew what I knew now, I keep it to that level, get a tremendous day job where I made great money. I didn't have to go into 11 and I could do all that shit. Yeah, there's motherfuckers that are doing that shit now.

They do it now. When I lived in Denver, there was a dude who was an attorney. One of the funniest fucking black dudes you ever saw in your life. You couldn't get this guy on the road. People begged this guy to go on the road. his day job paid so much and his wife loved him so much and his kids he couldn't go on the road but he would be busted he would come out and throw 20 minutes a heat give him a breather and then he go you white motherfuckers like impersonations and it'd be in denhamment they go yeah and he goes all right

give me a minute let me prepare and he'd turn around and you'd see him do something and he'd turn back around is Vito Corleone. Black dude. Same haircut like Vito and the Godfather. And he'd come on and go, this is my impersonation of the Godfather. You're ready? And he'd come on and go.

The dentist fucked up my teeth. And he would hold his face just like Vito. He goes, I mean, he would just torment him. I still remember his jokes. He was like, I used to watch him. This guy's great. And I asked people, what's the problem with this guy?

I mean, he would wear an $800 suit on stage. Like Armani suits and custom-made suits. Dek-downies and shit, decked-out shoes. And I go, why don't you go on the road, bro? Take me on the road with you. I want to learn from me. He's like, fuck, I'm fat. I'm not sleeping on a fucking hotel bed.

You know, you learn from those guys. You team up with those guys. So I don't think just because there's guys in little small pockets. I've said this a million times in this podcast. of the 20th times funny than I am. They just never wanted to come to LA.

Somewhere along the line. I've seen it, man. Got crossed. I've seen it. You've seen it. I've seen it. I don't know if you know who this guy is.

Frank Till Pizzo, an older man. He's been around forever. And then he was working the club that we went to go that Captain Brian's the other club he had before he had off the hook.

And he's like, yeah, guys, whatever guys. And I get to giving him a Gandalfini impression because he's Italian and shit. He's all loving it. And then he's all at the,

And then, uh, Felipe is all hits him up. He's all, you want to do a spot? He's all, I'll host a motherfucker. And we're just like, you know, you don't think, you know what? He's like, it looks like a dad kind of. You know what I mean? The golfs and shit. But that motherfucker went up there and hosted, dude, and he destroyed the fucking room.

He destroyed the room. He destroyed the fucking room. If I quit tomorrow, I'm moving into a little suburb and just went to a little B room on Fridays and Saturday with no care in the world, no industry. I've already gone through the mill. I will light up features. I will have feature acts quitting. I will have, there'll be the strongest surge of feature acts you've ever seen in your life. Because after four days of following me at that level, you definitely improve as a feature.

Five days, five shows. You've got to adjust. With no cares in the world, 10 minutes. Ooh, loose. I've already hosted for Mits and sure. So you're not going to do nothing to me. that small town in Indiana I'm not going to do nothing to me

that I moved to but Duke of Kentucky what are they going to do to me shoot me I'm going to go up there and just lay it out for 10 minutes that feature

is going to be knocking in his boots because I know I would at that level four years ooh you're still knocking on your boots you still get thrown out

if they go come into the stage Lee SWAT this motherfucker just cracked when he told me the story I already knew.

I'm a comic. I know how to crack a comic right before they go on stage. That's the easiest thing to do, but you can't be doing that shit to me because then people start doing it to you. It comes around, goes around. So you got to be careful when you crack a comedian before he goes on stage.

See, in Seattle, we went out to crack comedians. That's not a good business. Because sometimes you end up cracking him so hard, you crack yourself. What? You piss on that. You piss on their leg so bad, you end up pissing on yourself. You've said so many disgusting things to that person

that it goes into your psyche now, and now you ruin your set, so you put the Maluk on your set. So this poor kid's in the back dying because he's bombed, and he can't figure out why he bombed. He doesn't know that you put the Maluk on him. Did you see the riots last night? Did you know, you just said, did you see how they killed that black man? They knelt on his neck, and you get them all fired up.

And they go off on, you know, I get a black comic now. I'm at a show right now. CBS is there. They're deciding on six guys for a TV show. The guy in front of, let's say if it's this week right now, the guy in front of him, he's African-American, he's done. I don't give a fuck if he's Dave Chappelle. I'll crack him.

Ten minutes before, I'll just get next to him and start hitting him with the race riots, you know, Frederick Douglass. I'll start dropping fucking Martin Luther King got shot with BB guns. I'll tell him, you know. Nat Turner and shit. Yeah, you know, fucking I turn as a motherfucker. You know,

I'll just say shit to him that will make him think and throw him off his game. Now, is that a nice thing to do to people? No, it's not. That's the thing you're using comedy competitions. When you go to comedy competitions, it's the same as baseball. It's the same as basketball. We all watched the last dance.

Yeah, that shows great. When Jordan was coming to town, they adjusted for Jordan. So let's say it's me, you, Lee, Eric Rocha, Steve Simone, DiAgostino, who are on the contest in Felipe. Me, you, and Lee get together, the Agostino, well, you listen. I don't know what's going to happen here,

but we're not letting Felipe win. We're going to do everything in our world. We're going to light his dressing room on fire. It's going to be one disaster. I don't know. If they order a sandwich, we want to put a rock on his sandwich, so when he bites into his two chips, we're going to push him right over the fucking top.

We're going to put fucking itchy powder in his shoes. We're going to do everything he can. The hotel he's at is getting three fucking bomb alerts. In the middle of the night, where you've got to leave the hotel and come back in. Fuck up his sleep? Yeah, that's what you do. We're going to refuse him from,

doing well and then we got it upon ourselves now who the fuck do you think i learned that from that move i did that move as a comic but then it got reinstated into my head when i met james colburn when i did arles and i met james colbert that's my idol you know that's one of my big idols if you go to cuba and you mentioned james colbert they're like what steve mclean all that shit you know i did two days on the set with james coburn the second day asked him about Bruce Lee. I kept it very light. I didn't say nothing

until he started talking to me in between takes. And then we were just talking. And then I told him I had weed. It was a different story. Me and him, Alan Stevens, a bunch of went out and smoked the joint. Here I am smoking a joint with James Coburn with arthritic hands like Edwin.

He had arthritic hands. You know? And he said that to me. He goes, one of the best movies I ever made was The Magnificent Seven. Because we tortured Yul Breda. They couldn't stand Yol Brenner

because he had just played that part. You know, the famous Yul Breda part he played? I told the story a thousand times out here. He played a big part. Lawrence of Arabia. Okay. I don't know if you told him. I think it's Lawrence of Arabia.

So they were telling me how they were torturing. Is hating on him? Hating on them? Because they refused. Charles Bronson and Steve McQueen were like, listen. Ain't no fucking Arab. We're going to come in here and fuck up our movie. That's not happening.

And this is 1960. Yeah, man. They're like, it's just not happening. It's just not fucking happening. No, no, not watch. So it was American to the core back then. It was so funny because I was just thinking about this because they said the Formosa is open again.

It was on Twitter the other day. Friday at the Formosa. And the stories he was telling me were about were from the Formosa. They'd be shooting a movie, and they would put them up around the Water Brothers lot. Close and walking. Close to the Formosa. Walking distance. So they were all going to the Formosa.

And he's like, tell him, like, it was me. Charles Bronson, George C. Scott, Gene Hackman. Damn. So he's there. And he's, we all decided that fuck it, take him out of the movie. Every night they would call you Brenner's hotel room. Fuck you and hang up on him and shit. Knock on his door and fucking, you know, pull the fire alarm.

Just all the shit they did to knock you O'Brien off his game. But if you're doing that, then you're too busy because you're tired. Yeah, man. You're thinking, too. You know what I'm saying? It's taking energy to do that shit. It's taking energy to do that shit. And the more evil that shit is, the more energy it takes.

It's power, bro. So that's a different side to comedy, man. It's good to see you, Rodrigo. Oh, likewise. This fucking Corona really fucked up just seeing your friends. Yeah. Listen, I got a fucking child. I love when people call me and they want to hang out.

I ain't got time to hang out. I'll see it at the store. Give me a hug. You know, we'll talk in the back real quick because people are going to come up to us and interrupt us so we can't get into nothing deep like we're in a green room. Yeah. And you don't really get to see people.

And I thought I wasn't seeing people before with the store. Now you see nobody. Like, it has been a really fucking tough 90 days. So I'm happy you guys in the church. It's really kept it together. I hope you all have. I've read some posts. I've lent out my support on the Facebook page.

ages. You know, we've all gone through rough times during this shit, man. This has been prison without prison. Yeah. And what's key is what you said earlier. You know, you have to adapt. Whatever it is you do. Comedian or otherwise if you had another hustle, I mean, shit. Because I was like, I was like, I didn't need to make any more money. I mean, my wife works, but I mean, you feel like a fucking loser too. You can't be just sitting and scratching your balls and holding the baby all day. So, and I used to do pest control, but I had all my shit, you know. So I just fucking put out in the podcast You guys need your fucking pad sprayed

And a lot of people were calling me too Pinch your bugs are out Why who guess we had a crazy rain season So you know spiders and roaches and ants So I just went to work You know Couple jobs a day boom boom And you know

You just adjust And that's just you know For the time being Whatever the fuck happens I know we're scheduled to go to Houston July 17th through the 19th The improv But you know

You just got to adapt to the fucking whatever it is, whether it's a fucking pandemic or not. A lot of people, you know, they get caught up in like Instagram and what they're supposed to be doing. It's just like, you know, you got to go back to the basics and, you know, do you. I learned that the news was destroying me. I learned that media coverage was destroying me. So I tried to keep the internet down as much as I could. Thank God I got this thing.

I got to have this outline by July 14th. guys, thank God it's kept me straight. It's pain for the dip into your past, especially during a fucking pandemic because you go a little deeper because you got more time to think about it. Hell yeah. So you go a little deeper,

so the past has been haunting me throughout this, like I've said, edibles and... It opened you up to some paths or... Yeah, it did. Some wrongdoings I had done. In the past. And it's so weird that I made up good with some people,

and some people was just, they would never understand an apology. You know, like there's people that I've tried to make amends with. Yeah, and those people exist as well. You know, somebody giving forgiveness and then, you know, somebody not wanting to take it, you know. And there's some, you know, no matter what, you can't crack them. There's people that I cannot. I don't expect them to forgive me.

I wouldn't forgive them, me. And it was something simple. Like, it was just something simple. Like, I was thinking about all the people that, from that era, there's a handful. of people that I truly miss that we just don't talk. And you know why we don't talk? It's been 20 years, like this one couple

that I loved dearly. I dealt with both of them on a business level. I was friends with her, and I was friends with him since we were kids. And we haven't said a word to each other since 1995. And you want me to tell what it was over? A hundred bucks and a misunderstanding.

A hundred bucks. This is two people who grew up together who made more than a hundred bucks together. We were in business together on a couple fucking things. But that's all it took. It wasn't about the hundred bucks. It was about a misunderstanding of payment.

And both of us don't talk to each other. And a couple years ago, I got to be honest with you, she reached out, maybe Facebook seven years ago. I was still a little sour. I hadn't had mercy yet. I was still a little sour. and now I went looking for her and I can't find the page

so she's probably off there. You know, it's just really weird with this pandemic has done, but who gives a fuck? Where's the Scientologist? Where's the Scientologist? They haven't said a fucking word. They're in their bunker, though.

Bro, Tom Cruise is alive and that's all they give a fuck about. Not a peep from the Scientologist. Who's ever running Scientology, same on you. Like I said last week, ISIS. Where's ISIS been? Perfect time for them. to show up to one of these protests and pull a pin

go ba-ba-ba-ba-ba close some hummus in the air not one ISIS do it is out there amazing how they just disappear because of the coronavirus even ISIS is scared they're serious I didn't really think they're going to close all the shit down and it started happening I was like god damn oh you had to close it down

you had to close it down and if you've been to New York or you live in New York when you're in that area sit sit and think about what you see every day when you go into New York and sit and see why that place became ground zero. It's dense. It's people on top of people.

You know, and it's a subway city. It's a bus city. They encourage you not to have a car for years. That's the reason you move to New York, not to have a fucking car. Now you're out there amongst these fucking germs. So I'm good, bro. All that stuff is out of me. I'm looking forward to what's coming ahead.

We've already dug back into the past. Now let's see what's going to come ahead of us. I want to see what happens the next. few months I got my eye on it very fucking I'm watching these businesses like I said before that have opened expecting the goal rush in 1920 and guess what ain't nobody coming in ain't nobody coming in so you know I'm expecting to hear every every week you're gonna hear something hell yeah every week and my and my heart goes out to them you could just hold down as much as you can't you could just try I don't know the fucking business I don't

have a storefront, I don't pay storefront insurance. I don't know what it's like to run a fucking restaurant. I don't know what the health codes are, the health hazards, food cost, how long it takes to fucking deliver the food, how long you can hold it in your freezer for? You know, what if people opened up last week and had it bored up again? This has been a nightmare. So expect to see life change as you fucking knew it. Your only thing that stays the same as Uncle Joey, slinging dick, smoking reefer, and telling

stories on a Monday morning. And whatever the fuck you want to do, you got to do. That's it. It's Monday morning. It's a whole new fucking week. You got a second chance to start again. And that's how I look at it. You know, I got to lift weights today.

My gym is open. So I get my chick again. It's just me and her. Then she's got to take a half hour break, steam clean the gym, and somebody else comes in. So her clientele got cut in half. So all this is is a pay cut.

It's an adjustment. It's an adjustment. and for right now you adjust, you do the best you can. You know, peanut butter and jelly never kill nobody. Right or wrong. Nobody's ever die from peanut butter and jelly. Nobody dies from oatmeal. Unless you're allergic.

Right? Nobody dies from oatmeal. Nobody's ever come on TV with a twisted face, the machine. I ain't too much oatmeal. This is what happens when you eat through my throat meal. Nobody. Right? Nobody's ever come on TV and said, you know, I got heart disease from meeting people.

Peanut butter and jelly on white. No, you know. No, you know. You got allergies, my love. You buy that bag of chicken breast, those fucking kick chickens. You can see the dent in their chest and shit. They got kicked like by a fucking Mexican soccer star. They just set them loose.

They give them two hits. They give them two hits of meth and a fucking true blue. What's that shit? Red bull. Red bull. And they go, go. And they let this soccer guy go crazy, kicking chickens or whatever, Tyson. That, buy him back.

of those fucking chicken breast, the boneless ones. They all got a little dent on him. You're like, what the fuck happened to this poor guy? He had a little dent on his chest. You got kicked with a steel toe. Fuck up, what are you going to do? We all suffer, man. This is it.

This is part of it. You know, you sit there, and it's fucking three in the afternoon. And you've done everything you were supposed to do. And then so you even dropped off clothes at the fucking poor people. people's house and then I'll even open up on Lancash. And as you're pulling around, you see fucking the line at in and out. Empty. If you want to eat in and out, stupids, now is the time to do it.

Just don't go at 12, 6, or 2 in the morning. Go to internet 1115. You think they got AIDS. You ruined Chinese food for me because before this, I didn't want to believe that they were doing cat instead of chicken. but now with the money being low, I'm like, if they were ever going to do it, this would be the time to have fucking meat. I got some Chinese food here.

There was a caddy and a fried rice. I put it over to the side. It was hidden under the broccoli. I put it to the side. You just expect it. I can't do it. See, over there, they got good rats. See, Studio City got good rats.

They're clean. They got haircuts. They eat over at Whole Foods. They're like vegan. They eat hummus. You know, you eat a rat in Studio City. It ain't that bad. It's good for you.

They got Gelsens. and whole foods over here. They're not that good. It's not even the Rouse. They give lettuce and shit. It's like they're eating shoes or taking pizza pies off the train like in New York. You ever see that rat that took the pizza? The slice of pizza up the train. That dude's

unhealthy. But these rats I got here, these motherfuckers get vitamin D. They're in good shape, right? They don't die easy these fucking rats. I remember one day I got a call that Rodrigo fell on his back. Off a ladder. That shit happened in the Hollywood Hills, dog.

And I'm like, Rodrigo, what happened? Nothing. He shook it off. Shook it off. That's what that joke came from? Yes. That's so funny. That's what that joke came from.

Shook it off, went back to work, fell off a fucking ladder. Most white people with a suit, whatever. That's amazing of a Mexican back. You've never seen a Mexican with a neck brace? You never? A ladder in Beverly Hills and then, man. It was over there off of Mulholland. And then I was back there.

I didn't use my ladder. I used the people that rent in the house. It was just like an old-ass ladder. but I was like, dude, I just put it up against the porch, climb on the porch, get on the roof, right? So I start climbing up the ladder. And then she had, like, I guess her boyfriend or the guy that was staying with her was like a war vet from like, I guess the first invasion of Afghanistan to 2008 or whatever the fuck it was. And he had his fucking arm, like his forearm muscle blown off. So it looked like a chicken arm.

It was trippy. So I noticed that, but you don't say shit. I'm just going to get up on the roof See if they got any openings Get the fuck out of here Give them an estimate Because they had to give it to the homeowner So it's not

It was a Friday It was like a Thursday So it's gonna take some time They can't make the decision There wasn't gonna be no check So fuck it right Real quick So I thought

So the war veterans Are holding the fucking ladder I get up on the ladder Dude I start climbing it And it's like dude The guy's little like Like I didn't see how small it was But he's like 5-5

And I'm climbing up the ladder I get up on that ladder I put one leg up on the porch Like the roof on the porch How are you? Like 14, 14, 15 feet So, and as soon as I pull up with his leg This fucking leg

I fucking, the ladder underneath me with this leg Goes out and I see that little dude Fall on his back I'm still looking back Like I can't believe this is happening. happening. And then boom, I come down. So my hands hit the roof like a cat, and so I just scratch all the way down on my nails, dog. And then I grab the rain gutter, yank that motherfucker on with me. And then the little guy's just trying to like, I see him like trying to

clutch, like trying to catch me. And I just smash this motherfucker. And then I land the way I landed because I, there was a fucking staircase right there with no, with no rail, just stand. steps, right? It was a, so I landed on a fucking corner of one of the stairs because I was trying in mid-air to, like, not land on it. But I couldn't get the twist all the way. So I kind of hit the corner of it. And that's where the fucking bruise happened, the contact, the contusion. And I smashed that little dude. And I think he was out for like 45 seconds, a minute, because the lady runs out. Oh, my God. and then the guy's like, yeah, man, well, yeah, man, sorry about that. And I'm like, oh, I'm all, fuck it. I can't do the, I can't do the rat estimate. I'll come back to do that shit, but you see,

you had spiders, right? So I had to, you know, so I still got, like, you know, I had to do a job and I didn't want to go up there to do nothing. I'm with their spraying the pad. I'm like, ugh. Like fucking Frankenstein and shit. And that lady's like looking out the window. What the fuck is this guy doing?

Like, dude, like, she's all, are you sure you're going to be okay? I felt like saying, like, if you suck my dick, I'll be better, but whatever. But I was like, oh, no, I'm going to be cool. She's all, because I think, in her head, she's all, this motherfucker is going to sue us. Yeah. So she's all like, dude, like, the end is all. Here's the 180 for spraying the house. And here's $200.

If you need anything else, just give me a call. But I think we're going to be all right. I'm like, I don't even worry about it. And I wasn't even looking for shit. I was just going to just do my job. Yeah, dude. And that's what happened. Oh, and the thing that, because I was talking to Coco, he's all, he's serious, bro.

He's all laid down there. And he said, calling ambulance. He's all, listen, like, that's like a development deal check right there. Like, the time's a hard for a pimp. And I was like, but you know what I mean? I'm thinking if I do that shit, it'll be a fucking, they'll catch me in the fucking scam and fraud. You know what I mean? But I don't know what the fuck.

But it was, you know, It was my fault. I mean, I used that dude's ladder, fucking, I should have known better. That would be the last day I ever worked. If I felt off a roof, I'd be on disability. You'd be on disability for fucking two years. You know, Rodrigo, I have a crazy sense of humor. One of the sense of humorers that I have is I love people seeing fall on ladders.

I love all that type of shit, you know. Is it fair? Is it funny? Like this. You see this? Oh, did you see this black guy put the firecracker on his eye? The fuck. This to me is one of the funniest things.

Like, when I saw this, I fucking, like, COVID, in the middle of COVID, I lost everything. Okay, so when somebody tells me they fall, like, I don't want to see people fall. Like, when I saw Ralphie, God rest his soul, fall on Gardner. I don't want Ralphie to fall, but I'm also a comedian. And I got pain in my heart I need to laugh from time to time. Okay?

You know, I was telling people last week, I was comparing when you go out to loot, you know, when you go out and do the things that we saw on footage last week, the kind of hate that you have to have in your heart. You have to have a certain hate

to kick an old man or do it. It's just something that us three don't understand. Right. But I had that hate at one time. I had that hate because my mother got taken away by God. I watched a show, a movie the other night that I can't believe it hit me at heart as it did. First of all, in all those years of me doing coke, I never even thought about getting so bad. I had a contract with myself.

It wasn't until I saw the movie Ray. But I go, maybe it's time. The movie Ray put out some, the other night, I realized. It's a good-ass movie. Dog, when at the end, when his mother, when he goes back and faces his mother, And his brother comes out, he goes, it wasn't your fault. And he breaks down. And then she goes, you did.

You did go out there. And you didn't become a cripple. But you let that fucking poison cripple you. Those are some powerful. That's crazy, dog. And for me, right there, I was like, you know what, bro? I'm out here with these fucking savages. I got the longest shot.

I've been on mad TV. Not that I won an Academy Award or anything. I do have something going on. a good girlfriend and the last thing I want is for her to find me dead and the other last thing I want is for me to face my dad my mom and my dad with a bloody nose wherever the fuck they are in heaven and for them to say what a fucking disgrace you fucking OD you know one thing about me is listen you want to shoot me you want to take me in a car accident if the good Lord wants to give me a heart attack I'll accept those that's all the part of living I did not

want to die as a junkie. You understand me, gentlemen? I did not want that on my fucking last thing on my fucking death certificate. I don't know. We're all going to die. Herpes, syphilis, bad ass, something. A bullet, a car. I don't even know what to tell you.

We're all going to die, but for me, the choice I wanted was not to have this associated with drugs. I couldn't, especially cocaine. So when I saw that, it reinforced me like wow this is a movie okay this is make-believe but somebody wrote this this was the mind of ray when he was telling him yeah so he told somebody this story that while he was at the re at the where you go and get clean the rehab detox the detox that's the images he was saying yeah those nights he was all sweaty when he was all sweaty that's what you see you think back to

what is the square root of this problem You know, for me, it was my father's death, the death of my mother, the death that surrounded all that, and then losing my daughter the way I did. You know, I failed as a man. So I got it. You know what I'm saying? Those are my pains. That's what made me do coke and pick my face until I fucking bled.

You know, that's what made me do all these irrational movements. You have to have a bad heart. Once the heart goes good, look, I don't even think about coke. I don't, bro, I don't, you can put an ounce out in front of me. It wouldn't bother me. For me, I'm not a hypocrite. You could put heroin out. It won't bother me.

I mean, you put a perkinset out. I might eat one. You put a happy pill out. I might eat one. You put a fucking Xanax out. I might eat one. But everything else, I have no interest in doing oxycodden. I don't want it around.

You know, like you figure out what things you want to do. I decided that movie let me know that, okay, somebody else is thinking like I am. I don't mind going. but I don't want my wife to go to the bathroom and see my two little fat feet on the fucking carpet that's not going to happen I don't want Lee to come into this office and find me

after a night of snorting all night that that's not going to happen you know so it's just weird how you make all these after years of being clean I don't even know what we're talking about you just decided you didn't want that like that You didn't want to die.

Fuck no, man. Fuck no. And I guarantee anybody who listens to this that's on pills or booze or whatever, this is the thought that has to hit you. I'm going to die, but I don't want to die from fucking booze. I don't want my last fucking thing to be Joey Dears died last night, pronounced drunk driving. He killed two people in a fucking car, and he killed himself because I want to have three drinks. That's not the way I want to go.

I don't want to go with nothing related to that shit. I want to go from the heart attack, the kidneys, whatever the fuck, the liver infection. My assholes got to be getting something pretty soon. And God, I'm going for a physical this month. I can stick the camera up my asshole again. I'm due. You know, I mean, these are things that, what are we talking about? We're talking about something good, I forget.

This reef is a good motherfucker. Little triple X from urban trees. Is it the 37% that he posted today? that Jesus Christ Joey did you see that I ain't fucking around though if we're gonna go for we're gonna go for it's Monday the 15th of June bitch those edible though I remember back in the because we're getting that story where I turn green are you talking about you know the spice company guys I want you know we I got this to see the infection like you got to remember people had their licenses for maybe four years and I wouldn't get a license because I had a psychology to this whole thing. I don't do coke. I'm the most boring person in America. I don't drink.

I don't go to a bar. The only excitement I have is when I drive with weed in my car. That's like the wildest thing I do. No cop is ever going to put a gun on you. They see weed on you. You're going to get a ticket. You might go to jail. But that was the weirdest thing I did.

So how long do you drive to get a bag of weed? 15 minutes. You know what? when you get your paycheck on Friday. You work Monday through Friday. You get your paycheck on Friday. You're like, oh shit, six o'clock. You go cash in the check cash in place, the liquor store.

Wherever you do, your banking, your own bank. You know what's, hey, everybody got a different place. The liquor store. Yeah, some people do banking on a liquor store. You get that check, and what's the first thing you think of? Pussy. All right, how am I going to get? Well, they get pussy.

We've got to get some wheat. So then you drive 15 minutes of poncho's house. you know all lives matter you know what I'm saying Pancho Pablo whatever the fuck his name is we drive over there you pick up 35 dollars worth the weed you put it in your trunk and you drive back right that's the scariest thing you're going to do all day

that's the only illegal thing you do so in my world who I came from where I broke the law constantly you know I jay walked when you got to think about it you got to think about how many you know how many U-turns do I do a day How many things do I really do illegally a day? We all do three of them.

We all made that U-turn. Yeah, it's illegal. You follow what I'm saying? We all made the shit. Little things. We all fucking don't put our blinker on, motherfuckers. I hate you, cock-suckers, with everything I got. You might as well go eat hummus and end our relationship right now.

If you don't put your blinkers on, end your relationship with me right now. End them. That is rude. That is rude. You might as well eat hummus and fucking put it. on fucking, that white singer that irritates the fuck out of me, so I'll never have to talk to you again. Who's that? I don't know.

I don't know this fucking name. There's some fucking dude that everybody white. But all those basic things most people don't do. No. So, I started saying, how many fucking rules do I break a day? I'm talking U-turns. I'm talking right on reds. You know, I don't give a fuck. Pedestrians, go

fuck yourself. You know what I'm saying? If you're standing in there like a mummy, like a statue of Robbeny league, before they take you down, I'm making a right turn, Doug. If you're going to stand there like Robert Lee, like he's traded slaves, and you feel happier by yourself, you're just going to

stand on the corner with his little fucking hand, Robert Lee. Can you believe they're taking out all these statues? They're taking out everybody. George Washington, he's going this week. They found out he had fucking slave teeth. They got fished. I mean, they're so mad, black people. They went back

3,000 fucking years to start lynching people. Columbus, I don't know. He might have a problem there. Because even Mayor Cuomo was like, wait a second That's an ancestor Something for the Italians Yeah, did they put like blood on Put red paint on his hands?

He got blood on his hands It's like, what the fuck? Listen, once they fucking change Columbus Day, I knew we fucked up. Not it, I think they're going to change Halloween So what? To what? Saturday.

Oh, okay, okay. Everything is Halloween? No, yeah, look. Nobody wants your fucking COVID-laced fingers on my kids candies No, no, no, I want candy. Fuck your kid's candy. I want my own candy.

You're going to have to give candy out with a mask on and gloves on and all that shit's done. This is going to be a pathetic Halloween. I guarantee they're going to invent a Zoom virtual boo-hoo or some shit. Virtual boo-hoo.

Yeah, like my kids got to stay at home and fagotize them. Now, to the end. Some guy called me a day. My kid wants to hang out with your kids. I said, all right, let's do it Sunday. Last night, 10 o'clock, me and my wife were watching something. Saturday, and fucking he texted like a 10 o'clock.

Tell Joey I didn't check with my wife. Well, you tell Joey. You just told me Friday. Why are you calling my wife, you fucking pussy? And he told Joey that we have to go to a Zoom party on Sunday. What's about? That takes 10 minutes. I want to see a Zoom party.

Like, I want to see fucking raped. You know what I'm saying? I don't want to see a Zoom party. I don't want to see a good woman get raped. You're not going to come to my Zoom birthday party then? You're not going to come to my Zoom birthday party? Not a million fucking years with eight people, 11 people online. You had somebody told me I spent wine on my fucking computer during a Zoom happy hour.

You should have been electric for you. I hope you would have got electrician right there. You're going to be there tipping wine and shit. How old are we? People are too much, man. They're too much. They're too, bro, that we love goofy technology. The more goofy technology.

technology they give a TikTok. What the fuck is that? Oh, that's stupid. You don't like that either? TikTok. No, I don't even know what it is. You don't do the dances with your daughter? Fuck, no. It's like a two-screen, like, kind of like, you know, better version of Instagram for videos. But it's just for kids, though.

I don't get, I'll see the dances. But it is, that is the one funny thing about this. Some people, like, are losing their minds about, like, not being, like, able to see their friends and stuff. I'm fine. Like, I'm a little, I'm losing it a little bit But for the most part, I'm good.

I don't need to zoom anybody or see anybody. You just got to go get air like once a day. You have to go outside. Yeah. You got to move. Yeah. Listen, when I was, I thought, as soon as this went down, I broke down my prison day. And I saw what I did in the parameters of a fence within a day and how you make it work.

So Studio City, where the area where I live, was my fence. I just got a big offense. Everything was closed for how long. So that's prison. I'm not walking into 7-Eleven. Ever since COVID started, I was already losing patience to 7-Eleven. That's germ central right there. The last year and a half, I've been losing patience to 7-Eleven.

Every time you go in there, I've got to give a dollar, some homeless dude. Yeah, the worst homeless people available to mankind. they're always in a wheelchair they always got shit on them and shit just walking in there is COVID what about the night some fucking lady attacked me and Lee because we pulled up and I didn't turn my headlights

off and she started yelling at me and Lee so I put the high beams on her and let me make me try to go give her a dollar and she was homeless as fuck and she wouldn't take it to just stare at me I'm angry because of the oh my God

You know, this was a prison. So I broke it down to the same fucking thing. I'm on a parameter. What can I do? Before I fucking went to prison, I rode a bike. I played a lot of basketball. But guess what happened when I went to prison? You got to become a runner.

You know how when COVID started? And the next day, everybody was Rocky? Remember two days after? Nobody was jogging before. By Wednesday, everybody was rocky. Headband and shit. You got in your car. A bunch of kids chasing a white dude.

I never seen so many people become rocky in their fucking life. When you go to prison, you become rocky. Okay? You either could become rocky for an hour, or you could sit in yourself for an hour. So you become rocky for an hour. What's the other option you have in prison? Religion.

This guy just lit his kids on fire. He walks into prison. He finds Jesus. Really? That easy. You've been walking around for 10 years going to parties, and Jesus was never there. Now you go to the depths of depths,

and Jesus is automatically there. And these motherfuckers walk around with the Bible. They start quoting shit. The Bible? Oh, they get the Bible, and they start quoting shit. And then some of the types, come here, yeah, he let his kids on fire. Sold them by the pieces, you know.

Like, these are horrible people. And all of a sudden they find Jesus in fucking, And you expect a guy like me to believe it. And sure enough, I would watch all those guys. How convenient. I would watch all those guys on the day they were going to get checked out. Like all those guys who were Bible beaters, you watch them, and you watch them hit the gate, they give them the hell of all the check.

And once they get that checked, you see them walking down. And like 50 yards away from the gate, you see the Bible go up in the air. Like, it's over. It's over. I'm going back to raping bitches. I don't care what the 10th Amendment says The 10th Commandment Dowshund not rape midgets, I'm back

I'm done I don't give infringements fuck You know you just You find And this is all joking and shit But when I got in there I just found The ways to avoid my room

And then there was ways that it was inevitable So I would watch TV a certain time I would do this a certain time time. But my job was to, this time was different. I have a child. So I'm in prison with my kid. So I got to help my kid draw. And I got to get a beatens on a book. And, you know, this is it. But it also has made me re-fall in love with everybody in the house. We got really tight to all this. It's quality time. At all time is quality time now. Listen, today she started camp. And I am fucking a lot.

I'm excited. I can't wait to go home and see what the report is. Today she starts camp and kickbox. This is a big day today. Let's see what the house brings tonight. It's a little camp, you know, for two or three weeks until they figure out what the other fucking camps open. And tomorrow night, tonight, we'll see what's going on at 4 o'clock when I get home. Because she has to come home and can't take a shower.

and go to kickbox and then take another shower. So we got her under COVID. You know what I'm saying? She's getting breathed on all day with protest to Brett, allergic to allergy, breath, you know. Because these kids are allergic to peanuts. You know they're getting COVID. Oh, see, that's the whole thing.

If you're going to fucking die. You're going to die. So it's just, I'm ready for that shit. You know, it's just a mental thing. But it lasts seriously, man. I really appreciate. you being my friend for a long fucking time. I mean, we go back to the Felipe's room with Willie.

Yeah, man, tortillas. Tortillas. How good was that fucking burrito, though? Ah, the green burrito. The green burrito. That's pork. Oh, dude, that shit was off the fucking dough. That was part of my contract back then.

You had a rider back then? I had a rider back then. There was always a breto, a green burrito for a cook. Felipe always took care of me. I was 400 pounds. I would eat a huge dinner at the house. house and that gig would start at 8.30. Right?

Nine, nine. Nine. So you get that a quarter of the nine. Edwin would be smoking joints outside. We go out the back door with the little manager. He'd leave the door open for you. Yeah, awesome. And we'd smoke the joint by the hospital.

Yeah, that's a Beverly Hospital. We'd smoke joints out there. There'd be eight of us out there, guys. $40 in the burrito. You guys are at all going. What are you talking about? I was as good as it got. And you saw how many people,

Willie, me, you, Jeff Garcia. I mean, there was 10 of us. Ten of us. So fly. Fly. Head. Head who started showing up in Lee's open mics. Yeah.

He didn't see him on Facebook a lot. Yeah, he was a Peter now. Our head, you know, there was just so many fucking pops. You know, Armando. I mean, people out every night. You saw these people. Alfred. Alfred, you saw all these fucking people, you know.

And that's what I was trying to explain to Cassius. I missed that camaraderie. Listen, I wish I made the money Kevin Hart had. You know why? Because I think I'd just bring my friends and take over a floor. Like, I bring over six comics that I've been on the podcast. and that's what I would do. If I was selling an arena out,

are you fucking kidding me? I bring all my friends. It'd just be a week of goof. Take over first class, light on fire. We go back to gun. You know, you'll see the fucking documentary for Motley Crew on Netflix? Yeah, yeah.

When he's like, they're the craziest motherfuckers of all time. They show, what's his name, running naked behind the fucking, the security guard is chasing him, and then he runs out, and they run in and steal his Coke and shit. You know, that's what the road was for. Yeah, fucking man.

The road wasn't to do road like what I was doing now. Going in my room at 11, staying up to 1. It's, you know, but you don't have the energy no more. In my mind, if you pay that money to come see me, I want to be the best of you. I can't do a show hungover. I have two beers. I get fucking hungover. And they go on a fishing trip during the day?

Yeah, come back, look at, look at it. Oh, yeah, I got third-degree sunburn. last week, guys. I had sun poisoning, Wednesday night. God damn. You stayed out too long. No, I did what I do all the time.

This is why I was going to bring this up today. California, you're not going to believe what's happened in the last 90 days. So whenever you tell me we're going to the beach, like if you call them and you go come to Riverside, I got a beautiful beach for you and your family, I'll go beautiful. I'm going to make tacos. I'll be down there now. First thing I do is I take a shower.

When I come out of the shower, dry my hair, everything. Get ready, but then I put a layer of number fucking 10 on me. Like a layer of number of 50, I don't know, whatever my wife has. SBF, whatever. So it sits underneath and I, and I air dry.

I let it get into my pores. And then as soon as I get to the beach, I do another layer. And then 25 minutes in, when that first bead of sweat comes out, that means it's time for another layer. Then you go in the ocean, and you come out, and you do another layer, and then you do another layer, and then you do

another layer every half hour. I did that all day. Guess what happened though in California? Nobody's driving. So the pollution's gone. So the sun is that much stronger. It's like being in Colorado. When you live in Colorado,

there's no extra layer. You go out for 10 minutes. You come back. You look like fucking, you know, John Jones. You're like, what the fuck? What happened to me? I was white when I left the house. I came back African-American. Because you're in, you're in, You know, whatever thousand feet elevation

and the sun, you're closer to the sun. It makes sense that you burn. I go to the beach once a week with my wife. I do the same process every week. I've never gotten this sizzled. I got out of that fucking car. When I got out of that car, I was done. I couldn't even move.

I had to take one of those Auschwitz showers. Where the water's cold, they used to put the Jews in there. First, one of those Auschwitz showers. Fuck, Coriotherapy. Hitler invented crowd therapy. They're saying the Japanese did. That cold, that's the only way I could take a shower. I had to put the water on super cold.

I took a shower. And about an hour later, dog, I started getting dizzy. I thought I was going to puke. I washed my hands. I stuck my finger down my throat. Then I started getting chills. And I had to put a hooded sweatshirt shirt on and sit on my couch and just shake. The house was 70 degrees.

I was just shaking from being cold because my body thermaterminus. The last two days, I haven't been able to leave the house. I've been able to leave the house with shirts on, and I can't come in contact, direct contact with the sun, because the sun goes right through the T-shirts and it burns the sun. You have no fucking idea what I call. Bro, every week during this coronavirus, I've had a different adventure. I just don't give it that much fucking, for two weeks I was in a pissing spree.

Once the cortisol, fear well and off, all that water, I lost by water weight. I was pissing every 10 minutes. I never seen nothing like that in my life. I even called the doctor. I can't stop fucking pissing. What do I do? I was pissing.

I pissed myself. I almost crashed my car to one day because I got out. I didn't put the brake on and the car kept rolling and I had my dick out and all of a sand slapped on it and it was coming out like a sprout

because I got to pull the skin back. It's been a hell of a coronavirus ladies and gentlemen. I whacked off one night, and then when I do, you know, sometimes you whack off in your chair. I walked off in my chair, and I held the tip because I'm uncircumcised. I hold the tip for a little while, and it'll all fill up. It turned into like a cobra. It looks like a cobra dick, and I must have been high.

I fell asleep, and I woke up with ghoul in my pants and shit. You know, it's been an adventure, people. Nobody fucking, nobody had a good time to have coronavirus. You found out all your weaknesses. If you're a loser, you found out over the virus. I did. I found out I was a straight-up fucking loser over this virus. You know?

But I'm happy you've made it today, dog. Hell yeah. That's that. It's a Monday morning fucking podcast. Just trying to spread some love and keep it fine. I don't want to argue. I don't want to yell nobody. You know, Saturday again, a fuck another UFC last week.

So wait a second. I just watched them burn a gas station of Wendy's in Atlanta. They just burnt it, and you want me to watch 19 fights in the UFC? It ain't happening. I didn't watch a minute of those fights fucking Saturday.

No? No, I watched fights all fucking week. Riots, yelling, screaming. I want to watch more fights. That's that a poison your fucking mind. I don't know what he's thinking. That's something to watch. I don't know.

Oh, my God. Everybody's fighting. I could not. I don't want to watch fights. It's ridiculous. It's like, this is all we're talking about right now. Can you imagine being on a flight

to Abu Dhabi right now for that highland a 20-hour flight or whatever it's gonna be? Are you fucking crazy? Are they fucking crazy? Even on a private plan, I don't want to do that. Are you fucking crazy?

I gotta go all the way to Abu Dhabi to get into a fist fight. That's what you're trying to fucking tell me at this point in my life. Like even if you're a UFC fighter right now, a lot of them aren't fighting, you know? I don't blame them. A lot of them are like, we're not fighting, not even because of the money.

Yeah, this is just scary. It's just a little bit fucking scary. And if the fight must go on bullshit. And if people really know the root of all this, they would go, wow, we didn't know that. But I'll let them find out all the time. They have to fight. They have, you know, they have to keep that name brand alive. ESPN don't lift the rock.

So as it's, it's starting to get embarrassing, you know, and starting to get embarrassing. I don't give a fuck. I don't pay attention to it. I won some money on the card last week, but even last week, I didn't rent the main card. I didn't want to keep seeing fighting. That's a ball. I moved to a bet, and then not even buy the main card.

You're like, fuck it, I already made the money. Yeah. You know, I don't want to watch all that fighting. The prelim card was enough. There's people fighting all over the fucking country. Right now, I shouldn't be watching fighting. Even football, I don't really want to see. Let's get some baseball going.

Baseball's nice. People are nice when they play baseball, right? Every once in a while you get hit in there with a baseball and play Japanese come out from the back. Oh, they're going to be mad at. Remember when people were mad at Houston? Remember when that was a thing for cheating? They're still mad at Houston.

I don't know. No, it's over. They just walk baseball. You know why they didn't get mad at that, and that pissed me off? That's a real smack on the face. To get caught like that? No, that they didn't. Pete Rose is somewhere right now getting therapy.

because they won't let them in the league. Because he put a bet on a bunch of games. And hey, I disagree with the Pete Rose thing. You know what, man? He fucked up. He fucked up. Greatest player, one of the greatest top five players ever to live.

Five positions. Five positions. Always got the party started. Charlie Hustle, man. Always knew how to get the party started. He don't, he's not going to go to the baseball Hall of Fame. I grew up idolizing that dude. The same one I analyzed Bruce Lear.

I love Pete Rose. that's how you do whatever you do in life you do it like Pete Rose wasn't he a coach on a team and then one day he just said fuck it he went inside played for for the team and he was like a player he was like a player he was also betting from the fucking dogger

he was notorious for that shit now let me ask your question is he the first guy ever doing the last guy fucking no look who we're finding out now that's worse than gambling on baseball all those guys involved on that and my world should get kicked out of baseball.

But we didn't give it the media attention that it deserved. Wait a second. This isn't cheating in Las Vegas. This isn't cheap. First of all, cheating is cheating. Okay, let's get that straight. Cheating is cheating, but you cheated in baseball.

Like, we got to time out. Why are we going to start the season? And these three guys are still our like you know, Joey Corr, and I'm not mad at Houston. Everybody was involved. Let me tell you something. There was a lot more teams that were named that were involved. Yeah, I mean, the Red Sox, we lost our manager because he, because of what happened when he was with Houston.

And I'm sure it happens all the time. They just revealed the Yankees. The Yankees, too, yes. But everybody says it's a common practice. It's a common practice. The thing is it's just like they've just brought it out the box. You have to assume it. It just got a little out of control.

Yeah. Because they were using like electronics in the dug Yeah. More sophisticated. It was a little bit more sophisticated. Yeah, they were just stupid of them were banging a trash can. I which I mean, that's so easy to catch. That's Little League shit.

Yeah. Yeah. Give it two kicks. He's throwing a curveball. They didn't give that as much air as they did. Nah. I would have looked into that a little deeper. I would have suspended the players for this year.

Do you think? As far as Pete Rose, you think they're going to reinstate him one day? The way it looks now? Pete Rose is an example. And listen, I'm a human being. I don't know how to react to things all the time. I make mistakes. We all do as human beings.

One thing I will tell you is he reacted kind of weird. I think he's talking shit. And it's kind of personal. Like, it's like me leaving here going to Lee. This is your podcast office from now on. Joey's done. You do what you want. Except don't fucking ever have Pete Rose.

Please hold on to that decision forever. That's what I think the Pete Rose thing is. Like behind closed doors, Pete did a little bit more. Got blacklisted. And they just said, leave him the fuck on. Fuck, Antonio Sabato Jr. is working construction in Florida because of Trump, a couple Trump tweets or some shit. Really?

Like, that's how fast your life changes. It has been, right now, it is, the last three and a half weeks, four weeks, it has been the worst time to be on social media ever. Oh, yeah. I don't care what you say to me or yourself. It is pathetic what's going on on social media right now. You know, it's pathetic.

And even when I try to go on there to lighten things up, I get fucking screamed that. I get screamed that, which is the first time ever in 10 years in social media. people dissect words I have never been dissecting them before so guess what stay on social media

first of all when you go on there and read this shit you know it's just a bunch uneducated people putting up shit and now you're getting even more shit thrown at you than the fucking television so why are we watching this shit this is worse than what you're doing now why are you watching this shit

I go online sometimes just to check in, you know? Maybe somebody sent me like a... On the weekends, very seldom do I go on there. Very seldom. If Terry goes to bed early on Saturday, I'll go on there and go on Messenger and check all my messenger. I have 14, 15 messages. I'll get high and I'll go through them. But as far as stay on them on Saturday and Sunday, especially now more than ever, I avoid it.

I think I avoided after Wednesday. because there's no winning right now. Nobody wants to, everybody wants to fuck. There's always three people that attack you. Yeah, yeah. You used to get attacked once a week, fat man, you abandon your daughter, you know, all that type of shit.

It's been higher than ever. Everybody wants to fucking yell at somebody right now. And I get it. That's why I understand the riots. That's why I understand the rage. Yeah. This isn't just, this was a riot thing. You know, this was a race thing.

That was fueled with, Six weeks of being at home. Yeah. Waiting on an unemployment check. Waiting on a sub-minimal, whatever, sublingual check, whatever the fuck they call it. Unemployment, all that shit. No, you know, your business is going out of business

because you got to pay unemployment. You know, a lot of people were in pain already. You know, how would you feel if you were the fucking owner of that shoe store last week Sunday night and you're watching your Melrose store get kicked in and people running out with your shoes. Our buddy, Dante Chang. Yeah, his store got just decimated. Really?

Yeah, they took everything. Yeah. Dante's one of the quote. That's right there on Melrose. My heart goes out to Dante Chang. What's the name of the store? Flashback. Flashback.

So when Flashbacks opens up, please support it. Dante Chang is a great fucking kid. I'm very sorry about that. How would you feel? If you're at home, you just hugged your kids. Empty. You know?

You sit down and they're looting on Melrose. And you're like, that's a little far from my joint but they're getting closer and closer and now you've got to make a choice do you get a machine gun and they are 15 and run down there and stay in front of your business

I would just done that Korean style and do get four fucking people with you to stand there with you who's really going to want to stand with you and possibly shoot somebody that's another thing are they going to mean a lot of factors involved so uh

you know this has been a wild fucking ride for a lot of people man but again it's Monday you bad motherfucker powder those nuts it's gonna be a fucking good week California's not gonna be the hottest last week. Last week was brutal here but this week

fucking you're gonna hear birds chirping again. It's gonna be nice and cool in the morning for my little bike rides. I got my little bike wait until I bust out of the picture. I've been standing out incognito. Would you do a calendar with you on the bike? Bro somebody busted me the other day.

Oh they saw you? Somebody was at the light and I was at the light and I had it crossed that way and they were like the third car and I'm sitting there and I forgot to pull my marriage up after I drank water it's like 10 yards where I usually stop to get water

because it's shade and I see what time it is and then I finish my last loop and I'm like nobody's going to see me on this bike right and nobody has seen I've gone on to traffic head on nobody has beeped nobody has done nothing and yeah there I'm on the corner all creepy

and shit and I'm about to the street and I hear some guy go, Uncle Joey, is that you on a bike? And I'm like, no. And I just kept fucking going. No. I fucking flew in this little alley and I went down the alley. I could tell

he was making the left and I looked for me. Fuck that motherfucker. He was part of Antifa. He wasn't going to find Uncle Joey. I'm done, dog. I don't want nobody to see me on that bike. It's embarrassing. Oh my God. My wife took a picture of me on the bike. Not good. People

would pay at that fucking circus. And now your attraction of the night Uncle Joey on a bike And there I am My little red helmet Like a fag Come out with my little

Mountain bike Dog gets a fucking night Does it have a basket? No I haven't crossed the line That much yet Once you put the basket on You gotta put condoms in there Because you're getting fucked in the ass

Once you put the basket on You might have put Vaseline on that That means you're giving up asshole in different portals You know like when you see You know, like, how this city has set up different bike stands? That's what you do now. You just go to different bike stands and get fucked in the ass.

They got a basketball. Lee, you should ride one of those bikes. You know what? As soon as you said, that's all I could think of. I was like, what am I waiting for you? It's right there on the corner. Right by Jersey mics? No, right there by, why would you go to Jersey mice?

One of those people eating those filthy sandwiches. You don't want to touch those germs. You know what it's better? Where? You know when nobody has touched the bike. Where? Marie E. Oh, they do have my thing.

Right for that liquor store. They haven't moved. I'll just go buy a helmet. I asked that lady one there. I went to buy a lot of ticket. I wonder if the tires are okay. Yeah, go to the helmet. I want to see what helmet you're going to wear.

Oh, it's size 8,000 extra. You want to get a Nazi helmet and make it complete. Go to Sherman Oaks on Saturday. Drive around your little Nazi element. All the Hasidic Jews walk in the temple, you'll petrify those motherfuckers and yell Black Lives Matter. I bet they have one at the Army surplus store. Go ahead.

go for it at this point. That's all I'm going to fit either that or fucking boom boom Manzini's football helmet from the eighth grade. Somebody who's got a big nugget like mine. You got to see, it's just a little shell of my head. They ain't going to do nothing. I'm still going to die. This don't do nothing. It's just a little shell. I look like a Chinese guy

that got one of those little old Thai Japanese Vietnamese hats. That's what it looked like. It just covers me perfectly. Look at my face how it's burnt. So that's the part it's missing? What's that? No, we're I have like a little. I have like a little. That's where the son's hitting you?

Yeah, the sun's fucking. But once you put, listen, I leave the house at like 10 to seven sometimes. You've been calling me so early recently. There's not a car in the street. You just popped the left. As soon as I popped the left, I feel this fucking warmth from the sun. Already hitting you? It just hits you right off the bat and it feels like, I haven't.

Feels like cotton. and you know, I just keep riding and I try not to stop, you know. Your mouth gets dry with that fucking mask on, though. You're walking around like Alibaba in the fucking desert. I mean, you're fucking dried, though. I finished the tin of water before I even get back home. It's gone.

You dry up with that fucking mask quick. And that's the thing that I want you to your throat to dry during this because that's on these fucking Ebola germs. It's cold germs. It's sitting there. to keep hydrated. Hydrated is the biggest fucking weakest word ever.

When I was a kid, I didn't drink water for 12 hours. I was fun. I played all day in 90 degree weather. The day we were at the beach. My wife wouldn't stop. We have to get mercy out. She must be dehydrated by now. She's in the ocean. She's Cuban. She's sucking the water

into her fucking little holes. I guarantee it. We even yell, you're thirsty? She's like, no. Why would she be thirsty? Only white people get thirsty at the beach. With Cubans, we go 12 hours without a glass of fucking water. 12 hours, but you ride your bike without a mask? That shit gets dry quick, bro.

Dry. You're breathing, you're huffing, you're puffing, you're going up a hill. It's a fucking nightmare. But it's got me through this fucking day. So we all found something. Some people found quailutes. Some people found dicks in the ass. Some people found fucking calming drugs.

The bicycle saved my life. So who gives a fuck? Rodrigo, what do you got on the books? What are your plans for the rest of the year? Well, fucking, uh, we're going to start going out on the road again in July. That's July 17th of the 19th and, uh, at the Houston Improv with Felipe. So we'll see what the fuck happens after that. He's got a pretty full schedule.

Yeah. Those are the, the couple, uh, the date gave me. So I don't know, I guess it's going to be the start off date and shit. I'm proud of you. It's good to see you 20 years now. Yeah, man. 20 years I've been seeing your face. You never gave up.

You're still doing your podcast. You still do your little room in Riverside. Yeah, we got that going on. We're going to bring it back, you know, details and shit with the whole fucking COVID shit. The same place I did? Yeah, yeah. It's a beautiful. It's a beautiful part of the park center.

You're making it happen. You're a comic no matter where to fuck you are. We did our little acting classes. Right. We did the best we can. We did the best we can. This is it. This is what it's all about.

It's just swinging for the fucking fences and seeing him when the ball lands. Who gives a fuck? The rest of them can suck my dick. I'm happy you got to. Where can they follow you at? Instagram at Rodrigo Torres.com. At Rodrigo Torres Jr. And then Twitter as well.

At Rodrigo Torres Jr. And what's up full podcast? Yeah, what's up full podcasts? We got over a 290 episodes with Philippe Sparza. And Martin Rizzo is on the gig now. He's on the podcast. Yeah, yeah. And I do a podcast Spanish with Martin Rizzo.

Los podcasters at Northe. We got 15 episodes available in my own podcast. Yeah, man, podcast. And yeah, man, that's all we got going. So we just hustling. The same shit that we always did, you know, with this whole bullshit that happened, adapted, had, you know, got my old little trade back for a minute and, you know, just doing it. Just, you know, trying to, you know, make some decimals.

Keep your head above water. Not everybody gets unemployment, all that bullshit. So, you know, you got to adjust. And you got to, you've been bored right now if you hadn't been doing anything for two months. Oh, exactly. Exactly, dude. But, yeah, man, just keep on trucking, dog. Well, I'm proud of you, man.

I'm happy you found time. Hell yeah. For the church of what's happened now, motherfucker. On a Monday morning, real quick, let me talk to you about a few things. Number one, Irvine is scheduled for the 25th to the 27th, Brea. Irvine, Improv and Brea is scheduled for the 25th to the 27th of June. I do not know what's going on yet. They said they confirmed Monday that it might only be 100 tickets.

So that's all I have. I think they yanked July 31st from Las Vegas. I think August 1st is done in San Diego. And I think I got Utah still on the second and fourth. But I'm also waiting on the soprano shoot. So everything is up in the air, guys. I'm not going out any other dates. I'm not going on void until we find out what this is.

I will be having a residency in Browell. starting in July every other Tuesday you know again there'll be no meeting greets so if you come into meeting greet we'll let you know when they start I don't want to take your money I'm gonna keep the tickets of $20 on Brad I'm working out I'm just trying to get a new hour and trying to feel out the audience and how I'm gonna feel on stage and if I should either move forward with this or that's it move on on you know that's that's what the plan is right now Hopefully we get the book out by February.

Hopefully we get the movie out by September 12th. Then we'll see how we feel then. But right now is not the time to be making travel plans to Europe in September. I have a funny feeling they're going to be fucking putting the squash on all that shit. Real quick, like I told you, the beginning of the show. Listen, I'm getting older. I got pains. I got aches like everybody else.

But I don't like pain medication, so I've given up to CBD. You're like, Joey, what's CBD? Listen, just Wikipedia, you know, Google it. It takes care of you from A to Z. The most common thing is it lowers inflammation, you know, it helps with anxiety,

it helps with insomnia, it has 1,0001 uses. If you're going to look for a CBD product, do me a favor. CBDLion.com is where you need to go today, right now. Whether it's gummy bears, whether it's bath, salts,

whether it's the tinctures, whether it's the vapor pens, they have mastered at every level. I have stopped using regular cream, and I use their cream, the CBD line 500 milligram cream. That's what I use for moisturizer now. My legs feel and look a lot better. I rub them on my knees. When I get out of the shower, I rub it on my face, I rub it on my elbows. and don't do nothing about my face. They can't do none by your face.

I'm still going to be ugly for a long fucking time. And I'm getting ugly about a daytime. But my point is, go to CBDline.com. Look at the third-party lab results. And you get back to me, bitch. They're not fucking around over there. This is some fucking guy with a fucking, you know,

Confederate flag on his shirt and liquor store chewing tobacco selling some fucking shit that he says is CBD. I want you to get the real thing. and I don't want you to get robbed, and I want you to pay a fair price. And if you want that, go to CBDline.com. Look at their third-party lab results. They'll even give you what type of CBD cures whatever problem you may be going through.

Whether it's swelling, inflammation. This will help you with it. I can't say the word cure. This will help you with it. Give it a shot. Take a chance. Columbus did. Look, they threw him off the mountain last week.

But who gives a fuck? He was up there for 3,000 years. So grab your dicks. Go to CBDline.com. Take a look at the product, read about the product, get educated, and this is the way to go. You want to start with something?

I suggest you go with the fucking raspberry gummy bears. Try that for sleep and then get back to me. They got them in raspberry, strawberry, and orange, and I think they got the tropical. They're coming out with a new tape. Listen, I love these people with all my heart. CBDLine.com.

Press in church, get 20% off delivered to your house. Who the fuck is better than day? Number two, whether you're slinging dick or you're at home, you always want your balls to be comfortable. You always want to be comfortable, and what you're wearing should be tip-top magoo. This might not have this, this might not be the summer you had in mind.

I get it. But you know what? Change your underpants can change your fucking mindset. You motherfuckers, I've been telling you from the beginning. You get up in the morning and you take a shower, you get dressed you change your clothes it's all over you gotta go with mjundis that is the way to go i've been working with them

they've been working with me for years not because i'm fucking whore because i love what they do i got mjundis on right now i got a whole draw fill of them they're the best underwear going you go to jiu jitsu you want to keep your balls clean you're going to the girls house to get your little polds sucked afterward wear some mjundis you can roll for an hour they have a material it's moldole fucking tremendous. It makes your balls feel like they're getting cradled

by a little midget's hand. You ever see a little midget's hand these nice and thick? Well, anyway, that's just a fantasy. No matter what, they're made from micro-modal fabric. It's actually made from trees. And they come in all shapes and sizes from extra small to 4X.

All bodies welcome. Even fat motherfuckers like me. They got a great offer for the church family. for any first-time purchases, they're going to give you 15% off and free shipping. Listen, Miandis is the only underwear for me. Now you've got to get the balls to try. You're going to be tweeting me going, Joey,

why haven't you told me about these before? And they also have 100% satisfaction guarantee. To get your 15% off, go to meandies.com slash Joey. I'm going to give you 15% off your first pair, free shipping and 100% satisfaction guarantee. Go to Miandis.com slash Joey. I want to thank meandes.com slash Joey.

I want to thank CBD lion.com slash church. I want to thank my brother Rodrigo Torres. Yeah, man. And fucking the what's up fool podcast. Yeah, man, podcast. And the other many Latin projects he has. I want to thank the fucking Jew, the Christ killer

but most importantly sorry I had a pubicab in my throat I want to thank you fucking animals for listening and for being part of the church family we're not stars we're not Dave Chappelle we're just trying to give you nothing but heart and a little bit of laughter on a Monday fucking afternoon Monday morning all right

stay black have a good week and we'll see you Wednesday tip top motherfucker Magoo kick this fucking meal Lee Lee Leeland