The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #796 - Joey Diaz used to hate Father's Day

Episode Date: June 17, 2020

Joey Diaz talks about his life, how people misjudge people who have been to prison, and why he used to hate Father's Day.  This podcast is brought to you by: Stamps.com -  Use code JOEY for a 4 week trial which includes postage and a digital scale. Go to Stamps.com, click on the Radio Microphone at the top of the homepage and type in church.     Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout on your first order.  

It's a fucking nightmare. Greetings from Podcastville. It's Wednesday the 17th of June. The church of what's happened now is brought to you by Stamps.com. Listen, everybody's avoiding fucking crowds right now. But if you need to go to the post office, print postage at home and skip the lines with Stamps.com. Plus, save money on discounts you can't even get at the post office. And now Stamps.com is working with UPS.S.

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This is the year of the fucking soldier. We're going in like fucking Marines. You understand? Boom. Welcome to church, motherfucker. What I'm talking about. Wednesday, 17. I got edible.

I got everything to start the day off. I got a doctor. I got a physical tomorrow morning. At 8.30 in the morning, I got to go see fucking doctor. My new doctor, give him some blood, get a finger up the ass. How do you meet somebody on the first day? He puts a finger on his ass. They're probably going to figure my...

You know, you ever go to the doctor? They start touching your balls. They make your cough. I got to go through all that shit tomorrow. So, tomorrow, I got to get up early. Go for a bike ride. I got to take a shower. polish my balls really good so he's impressed.

You know what I'm saying? Wait till I show this fucking new guy, my set of nuts. His wig's going to fall off. I hope he has a wig. Liberacee, that motherfucker, you know what I'm saying? Wait, do he see? And I pick up my cock and I show him that ball set. He's going to fucking die, a little Jimmy Lou.

I don't even know what his name is. This is my new doctor because my doctor retired. Anyway, how are you guys doing? It's Wednesday. It's a beautiful fucking day to be alive. I'm not going to lie to you. I woke up a little sad today because today is a six-month anniversary or Superbad's debt.

Fucking six months. Where the fuck do they go? Let me tell you something. For years, I thought I would fall apart when Superbad died. I didn't fall apart. But as stupid as the sound, out of all the cats I had, I mean, I miss Harry. I miss Demmy like a motherfucker. You know, I miss Fidel.

But I miss Superbad so fucking much, it hurts. Because he was my Gumba. He didn't see Superbad all day. You saw Superbad like an 11 eating. Then he'd disappear. And then he'd come out like at 9.25. He'd come out like, what's going on? And then I'd be leaving.

And then I'd come home, and he'd be waiting me by the door. He'd jump. I'd do my things in the office, whatever. And then I'd come out to the fuck. And he knew I'm coming out to the couch. So he'd be waiting for me. I'd come out to the couch. He'd put his head up against my lap, and I'd just rub his neck.

And he would just be paring there, meowing. He'd bite me from time to time and shit when I took my hand off. He'd fucking scratch. He was a great cat man and one of the guys I forget his name right now I got fucking so many names and what's going on he made me a super bad pillow No way I have a super bad pillow in my living room so at night I just hold on to it when I watch TV and think of super bad and I also have a super bad pendant in my car That's hanging from my mirror so he's always with me that's how much I believe in that little

fucking cat that cat all my fucking heart in a way that sometimes an animal steals your heart, man. Sometimes a certain pet and you don't even know. But hey, talk is cheap. We're getting the party started today. It's Wednesday. I gave Lee five of these the other day. He called me back

an hour later. I'm going to Steve's a malletown. I'm on the 101. I can't cry. Steve ain't shit, these little pills. But they'll send you for a loop. Me personally, I think they got something in them. I don't give a fuck. You want to dose me? Fuck it. I'm like steak, shake. You know, what happened? Shake Shack?

Fucking gave chlorine. What did they do? Fucking Shake Shack. Supposedly three cops drank. There they are now. Three cops like drank soda. Oh, I didn't see that. And they got fucking poison.

That's Shake Shack. And there's Ari. I thought it was Ari. I thought it was Ari fucking poisoning. It's been bad for everybody. Fucking planes. No more booze. Burt's at home.

His flag is at a high man. Half-mas. He was like fucking Lee on Saturday when they were burning Wendy's. Even though it wasn't a, even though it wasn't. the Wendy's in his neighbor at least still had a little tear in his eyes I still saluted the flag

fuck it you know what I'm saying let's go motherfucker this Wednesday if you ain't doing something you ain't dick anywhere but yeah it's been six fucking months and uh I told my wife last night I go you know it's crazy

the things you're missing you don't miss I mean I miss Brody I miss Ralphie I think of Ralphie a lot lately Ralphie's starting to come up Ralphie came up a lot in this little 90 day period, I thought about him a lot,

you know, because you never really have time to think about people when they die. So I thought a lot about Ralphie. I thought a lot about Brody. And it's just weird that they're even fucking gone. But it's crazy when you miss a cat. You've got to be a special type of person to miss a cat or an animal.

I guess I'm one of those fucking fruitcakes, you know what I'm saying? Have you thought about getting a new animal? No. No. Nothing to replace that little motherfucker. No, of course you can replace. I have to give him the respect that he deserves.

So, I'm going to wait. I got three cats left. They were older. I love him. I still play with him every night because I'm down to three. I've had two of the three since day one. I've known two of the three. They're super bads, two sisters.

Last night I got on the floor with fucking Lulu and played with her. She's got a face that could fuck. can launch. I mean, she's just beautiful. And how she lifts her neck for you. She lifts her neck for you. She lifts her neck for you and puts her hand on your hand. Like, listen, my neck is itchy. You know what I'm saying? Then she just looks directly into your eyes like, you know what to do, motherfucker? I'm going to let my nails out into your hand. And little by little, she just pushes her nails into your fucking hand. You got to love it. She's got balls of steel. Her sister don't fuck with nobody. Evie ain't got time. We call her bubbles because she just just blows bubble when she's walking away and running away.

They even get into beefs, like they don't lay down together. No? Nah, because Evie was part of the boys club. Evie told Lulu years ago that go fuck yourself. I want to hang out with the boys. And then when the boys died, Eve was stuck hot and the cold. Nobody wanted them more. Lulu's like, oh, now you're going to come back to me, my sister?

Go fuck yourself. You know what I need you in my fucking life for? So now they're not getting along. So Lulu sleeps by the TV Weewe sleeps by the fucking stairs And soup gray I don't know where the fuck she sleeps She took over the garage

That's my wife told me Okay She took over the garage She lives in the garage She got food in the garage She got her own bugs in the garage I gave her a fly the other day I give Lulu flies too

I don't just put them in a jar Sometimes I smack them around And light them on fire And she shouldn't get them eyes Somehow I think that the flies That you just train them To somehow get me How many flies do you have?

Right now, I got three in captivation. I got three of them that I'm fucking experimenting with. I'm hitting them with fucking Xanax and fucking everything. This is the one is getting big. He's getting strong. He looks like the guy that fought Rocky, a Rocky 4 from Russia. So he looks like his motherfucker got a neck. No wings?

He only took his wings? I didn't take, I only took one wing off these motherfuckers. They all got one wing there. That's what I call him. Johnny one wing. Stevie one wing I think the other one's a girl I can't figure it out

But they're always on top They're raping are in there Like those two flies Have been fucking out of the debts You don't even move too much I don't know what's wrong With a little fly legs Oh my God

But anyway To get out of this quarantine What happened We need to get out of this quarantine Listen I know I killed the fly About two months ago And he came back to haunt me

He's still alive in the house He's bigger than the fucking motherfucker He grew I think the weed made him grow Yeah He's like a suicide Superfly. He don't come out too much.

But when he comes out, you can hear him like, they disappear as he goes down to the ground. He's kind of retarded. I fucked him up with the weed. I just did science labs with him. Like, you know, like Auschwitz. Like, I just gave him different sounds to live with. I meant him live in the dark.

Made him live with fucking light. You know, I hide him for a couple months. I fuck with him. I feed him. I give him a little piece of shit from time to time. Everybody's happy. I feel like even though Peter doesn't care about bugs, if Peter's going to come after you for this.

Oh, fuck Peter. Anybody. What do you make him live with sounds? What's that? What sound? You said you make him live with sounds. Do you play different songs for them? I made by songs for them.

I put Chinese music on and torture them. Just to see what they react. Plants. Plants grow a lot better when they listen to music. If you play opera music, plants, yeah. So flies grow good to salsa music. They react tremendously to salsa music. They love Spanish music.

I don't know what is about flies. He's done hanging on to the class. Whatever. I don't give a fuck no more. It's Wednesday, the 17. Get your shit together. You got six more weeks of unemployment, cuckers. You better find a job.

You're living big time right now on that 1100. You're smoking cigarettes. You're hanging up on your boss. Wait till July 31st. You'll be like half the people in this town begging the suck a dick. I've never seen a town. More people begging the suck dick now than ever.

Really? Oh, have you got the small 50? Get your dick sucking. 50. A good dick sucking. Jesus Christ. They're on Twitter. No, they're not.

Offering dick suck. Sure they are. They don't give a fuck. That's why chick the other day talking about shit on Twitter. They're on Twitter. They're about to start sucking dick. I need to start following some people you're following.

I don't know who you're going to. You don't got to follow nobody. Anybody who wants to suck a dick pops up to the top. What do you want to hear about COVID or about some chick who sucks dicks? Whoever filters my shit is doing the right shit. There's some fucking chick on there. Suckin' dick. I swear to God.

Jesus. There's some weird people doing some weird stuff And I can't blame them They're trying to make a fucking living They're trying to make a living I'm not mad nobody to make a living I don't I know what things I want to do And what I don't want to do

You know, I'm fine for now You know, we're fine We'll struggle through this It's gonna get worse before it gets better As you're seeing right now But who gives the fuck There's no debt is prison This has nothing to do with you

All you got to do is keep avoiding crowds Keep your mask on and wash your hands. And when some motherfuck goes to hug them, fucking mason. It's working. I'm gonna get myself on the electrical guns that black guy got shot with.

Yeah. You know those electrical guns? I'm gonna get one of those. I'm gonna get one of those. I'm gonna beep with those fucking things. I felt like a pussy, but I bought Macy the night. I'm just to keep in my car.

You never know. Lee, you never know. There's some weird things happening. People acting weird. Somebody might come up to you and ask you for change. When you're in your pocket, they want them. You don't know nothing.

These are the times when when you're driving, everything this stuff and you walk in the that's why I don't even go to 7-11 because there's such a negative vibe down there every time you go to 7-11 there's six people waiting for you to get out of the car to drop a fucking napkin or your phone so I don't even go down there it does it's got nothing to do with me that's all you need to do listen this thing's going to keep getting out of control you could do it two ways you could be a part of it or you could you could be the problem or you could be the solution you know I'm not blaming nobody you know you know me dog I'm not you want to go to a bar go to a bar I wouldn't go to a bar

There is nothing that I want to do to be around people. I know that this grows around people, okay? If you go to a bar, listen, we have a hard time social distancing when we're sober. Can you imagine once you get three or four drinks in you? We want to give everybody a hug. Right. So all these things are kind of on the fucked up part. Right now, comedy's booming in some fucking countries in some states.

I fucking love comedy. I want you people to go out and fucking support. But listen, you guys know 300 people in the room don't work. Unless you're a fucking idiot. You know this just from New York. That 300 people in a room, the percentages are high. There's no ventilation. There's no windows.

There's no fucking fresh air. Like I said, I'm not fucking Fidel Castro. I'm not here to tell nobody how to live. I'm telling you how I'm going to live. Next week, we're supposed to be in Brahe. I have not heard anything. They called last week and said, we're going to be there next week.

for sure, we'll know Monday, it's fucking Wednesday. You know, I haven't heard. You know what annoys me about you is how, like, you're right a lot? And I was just realizing that the way you live, like, everyone who I talk to, and they're like, so when do you have a podcast? I'm like, I don't know. The people don't know it, like, they don't understand, and the way you live, like, is just for today.

I probably helped you for this, because you're, like, the only one who is, you're like, I never worried about. No, no. I've been telling you guys since the podcast started. It's all about today. How are you going to make money today? How you're going to make the work today? How are you going to keep together today?

How are you going to feed your family today? When people come up to me and talk to me about the future, I don't know what you're talking about. I don't know what I want to talk about. That's why I had a hard time as a comic. I don't know what I want to do in three months. I don't know how I'm going to feel. I'm for the day.

Last night I told you I wanted chicken colors. Today I woke up and I'm going to move for a pastrami sandwich. This ain't communist Cuba. This ain't communist Cuba. I think most people waste their time thinking about December. I can't stand it. Most people waste their time. I mean, I get emails every day.

Hey, when are you coming to Cleveland? You know what? That's the wrong question to ask anybody. One of you coming anywhere? You know, I got to return back like, are you fucking retarded? Nobody's going nowhere. Nobody, you don't want to be on a plane.

You don't want your family on a fucking plane. So we make it work with what we have. I've been having a good time. I'm happy. For the first time in a long, long, long, long, long, long, long time. I'm happy from the inside out. I took a rest. I saw what it was. I saw it was behind me. And I'm also looking at what's in front of me. And I like what I'm fucking saying. I want to do the podcast to talk about something today specifically because it's coming up this weekend.

It bothered me for years, but now I'm enjoying it. And it's fucking Father's Day. For you motherfuckers who haven't even thought about, it's Father's Day on Sunday. So instead of worrying about whether football's coming back or whatever the fuck is coming back, it's Father's Day. So, get your dad something. I don't know. Get him fucking me on these. Why don't bother you? Well, let's fucking go to the beginning.

My father died when I was three. Do I remember him? I could tell you whatever story you want me to tell you, but I don't remember. I don't remember. I remember situations, but I don't remember what he was like. I don't remember his voice. I don't remember his tone. So,

for years growing up on Father's Day, I was both sad. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. I think that's one of my worst fears is my parents' down. I can't imagine growing up. I've already dead. Yeah, so my father, you know, he was dead.

So every year as a kid, you know what I had a stepfather and whatever, but no, it wasn't the same. My father was dead. I think about him and I'd say, what the fuck, you know. But I know he was watching over me and I'd be fine. And then, you know, you turn 18. 19, you get a little older. I still had those weird feelings.

My mother died. I never had anything against Mother's Day. I never really got sad on Mother's Day. I think only the first three. Because at least I got to experience my mother. I got to see what she was like. I got to, you know, spend time when I did everything with it. She was the love in my life.

But my father was a big mystery in my fucking life. And then now the questions I needed answered, nobody's around to answer them for me. So for years, I always didn't like fathers. And then what happened? Then I ended up becoming a fucking father. And within two years, I wasn't mature enough to be a father. I mean, you know, I just didn't have it in me to be a father.

And it wasn't that I didn't have it in me. It was the addiction. When you're addicted to anybody, you can't be committed to anybody. When you're addicted to a fucking drug, you really can't be committed to anybody. They don't really have you. They have you 90%. And guess what? The tempest, not even 90%.

That's exaggerating. They have you 50%. And the 50% that the drug you're addicted to is the most powerful one. So for years, I didn't, you know, after we broke up and I lost my child, Father's Day was just fucking painful

as fuck. You know what I thought about it Father's Day for years? When I wake up at Father's Day since from 1996 to 2013, you know what I felt on Father's Day? I still remember smelling her. Like when we'd make the exchange,

like when I'd have visitation rights, I still remember going to pick her up and hugging her, and I could smell his cologne. He wore fucking cologne, which right there, that's a sign that he's a douchebag, but whatever, that was a long time ago. He wore cologne, and I used to fucking smell the cologne. And listen, I don't know if you've ever been kicking the dick.

You've been kicking the dick, it fucking hurts. But if you ever got kicked in the dick and ball, combo it doesn't hurt it's a pain that if they kick you correctly it shifts everything in and it's a horrible pain you feel it in your fucking stomach i don't know if that's ever happened to you yeah that's the pain i would access when i would bend over hug her and kiss her and smell that fucking cologne in her the anger everything the reaction to that fucking pain was so bad i can't even explain it so that must have stayed with me so from fucking 2000, just think about it from fucking 1997 to you know I mean listen when I was with when I was

her father for those five years the mother wouldn't let me her acknowledge me for father's day like she would always make an argument she wants to be with her grandfather on father's day she wants to be with a stepfather on father's day I mean they got to that point Like, she wouldn't even let her honor me on Father's Day, which was even more painful. You know, when I think back to my addiction from 2008 to the time I ended, it was fueled by that pain. That was part of one of the many, many pains that I had was that, you know, I just got the fucking, my fucking blank. My legs kicked out from under me as a dad. And I got two ways to argue it.

I could tell you two stories. I can tell you. First of all, I will tell you the one story that some people are just cruel sometimes. I want to bust my balls, but they don't because I know the truth. People say I abandoned Jackie. I never abandoned it.

When you abandon somebody, you go for cigarettes and you don't come back. With her, I tried to keep in touch with it. I sent money. Child support's paid up to, you know, I even called years ago, put an investigator on it. I never abandoned nobody. I just knew I wasn't going to win.

So, and I was going to end up in a bad place with these people. I see what buttons they were pushing. A couple weeks ago, I told you guys, I don't want to go on the road right away because I want to see how people react. What did I just tell you? How did they react? Well, look at Southern Florida, look at Texas,

look at Arizona, look at California. You have to wait to see how people react, you know? What was I talking about? About the pain, she wouldn't acknowledge your father's. She wouldn't acknowledge her father. She wouldn't acknowledge her at all. And then for years after that, I never got nothing. So Father's Day was always a fucking, it was like a double, fucking painful day.

You know, I got to the point where I was like, I'm not even going to have fucking kids. Like, I never saw kids again in my future. I could lie to you and tell you, I never saw it. When I hooked up with Terry, now obviously 20,000. years later in two weeks uh i never saw fucking kids i thought my sperm was so fucking tainted

and my soul was so fucking black that there was no love left in my sperm because the love from your heart has to travel to your sperm sack and then you spread the love like it's like sneezing with covid you know what I'm saying that sperm goes into that woman and you spread love and the child I had a dark heart

and a dark soul and I was a junkie so I never really thought I would fucking Get a knocker up. I mean, that's true, but it really shows you how similar we are. Like, looking at you, you were a criminal. You'd been in prison. I wouldn't really think that either way, Father's Day would affect you emotionally at all.

But it's still your daughter. No matter what you've done in your life, what type of person you are, you have some emotion. Everyone has a soul. The other night I was watching, I went down a foxhole, a buddy of mine, two people. But the guys who used to put me in the Disney scripts, the dog that saved Halloween and all that shit, they contacted me. I can't say what they wrote a script about,

but they wrote a great script, and I want to do some background, and for some reason, I bumped into the Ice Man's tapes on HBO. I don't know if you guys are familiar with the Iceman, Richard Kuclinski, and I looked at the first one. When he first came on the scene,

when Michael Bowden, was doing the interviews, the guy who did the independent autopsy on George Floyd, that guy. That's the one you call when you want to find out exactly what they died of. When he did the first interview, I think it was him. You know, he would talk to you about killing people, like nothing happened. But when you brought up his family, he would, that's, everybody has some emotion. Everybody has some emotion. Just because you've got, listen, just because you went to prison or you made a mistake or,

or people think you're the type of animal you are because you went to prison. They're wrong, bro. You know, I was thinking about yesterday how I cry from the time to time. And I'm like, people would think, I go, people wouldn't take nothing. Because if you don't give a good cry

from time to time, you ain't shit. You know, something has to bring you to emotion. I got emotional watching The Last Dance with Michael Jordan. I got emotional watching Bruce Lee. I got emotional watching this 40 for 40, the 30 for 30 this week. About the two home run heads. Oh, good, yeah.

Oh, that's, you know, I like baseball. I miss baseball. You know, I miss baseball. How many times have we sat here and I thought I don't watch sports? But an hour before I leave to go to the store or to go out, I would watch a baseball game. Not really an hour, two of it. Let them go up and let the other team bat. I get up and I leave.

But that's how much I like baseball. Like, I miss baseball right now. Oh, yeah. So I think with this, the 30 for 30 with the home run hitters, I think it got me emotion. I found tears in my eyes. And I'm like, what would people think? People wouldn't think nothing because I'm getting inspired. When I see those kind of shows, I get inspired.

Bruce Lee, whether it was the last dance of Michael Jordan, you know, it just fucking inspires you. You know what's really burning me up right now? There's something that's burning me up. It burned me up the first time I saw it online, and that's why I stopped going online as much as I do. I tell you what happened. I've been seeing people.

Again, I'm not defending nobody. I'm just telling you what I feel. I've seen people post George Floyd's past, and I've seen them post the African-American man who died in Atlanta's police record. You know what, man? They both made a ton of mistakes. They both made a ton of mistakes, you know. Does that give anybody you're right?

What we saw was one of the ones. One thing. What they did in the past was another. It scares a guy like me. Because what happens if God forbid can I go home, I go to Bend over and pick up a kettlebell and I have a heart attack. What are people going to be saying tomorrow? He was a good storyteller. He was an okay comic. But let's write it all. He was in prison. Let's not make him a martyr. He went to prison. going to prison is one thing it's what you do after it that's the other

so I mean you gave me the best compliment you gave me you go listen I've started 20 podcasts of people and the only one that worked is you who's an ex-felon and the whole fucking deal it just shows you that we don't know nothing about character of people

you know when Ari became my friend I became my friend because of a personal situation he has and he knows that people make mistakes but in society, they automatically tell you you've been to prison, you're a bad person. That's what they teach you from day one, without even knowing what type of mistakes you're going to make as a young man or whatever the fuck, you know. Or the thing that blows my mind is how easy it is to go to prison. Obviously, you did some things and it was your lifestyle, but there's some people you can just go and make one mistake real quick and be there for 10 years.

Like, it's crazy. It's that quick. It's as quick as you and me coming here, bullshitting, drinking, having a great time. We each have three fucking beers. Three beers. Now, if you look at me, I'm a fat fuck.

You know three beers ain't going to do nothing to me. But in hindsight, it will do something to me. I don't drink. So for a guy like me, I'll get fucked up. Guy like you, you'll get fucked up. You don't drink much, you know? You're a big little dude, but you're still, you're not going to, it's not going to affect you. Yeah, but I'm also not a doctor.

Who am I to know what my blood alcohol is going to be? Let's take my brother, Bert, who I tortured yesterday online about the fucking United closing. Let's take my brother, Bert. Burke could do three beers and not feel a thing. It's like a fucking, it's like a shrimp cocktail to him. Like the way 200, 300 milligrams is to me, three beers to Bird is nothing. You know it, and I know it, and everybody in this, fine, it's listening to this note. that Burke could drink anybody under the fucking table with no coke.

God forbid that motherfucker did coke. A couple weeks ago they were goofing around him and Tom. They're like, what would think, what's a good drug for Bert to do? You think he would enjoy cocaine? I go, listen, that guy puts away fucking cocktails with no cocaine. I can't even imagine giving him two lines. It's all over. You might as well close the bar because he's drinking everything.

They're going to put the toilet right there and let him go. Seriously, he could drink. So let's say Bert did three, three. Paul Brown's fucking Heineken's. You and I both know, Burke could drive with his eyes closed on fucking three Heineken's. Right.

He could drive with his eyes closed on three Heinekins. Burt makes a right turn on fucking Chandler. He's looking at to see what's coming, but when he makes the right turn, he hits a bicyclist. Yeah, it was dark.

In a bike lane, okay? Runs over the guy. They pull him over. He has a little bit of alcohol on his breath, you know, not, you know, skyrocketing over the league with the limits whatever. To you and me it's an

accent. The guy's writing his little, he wants to be speed racer at night, you know. So, what do I do with Bert now? So we give him six years for manslaughter for being drunk for a DUI. It's the right thing. I'm not saying that that guy doesn't

have his rights, but at the same time, we all know Bert. We love Bert. Does he deserve six years? But that's how quick, your life could change. Yeah. One minute I was at the dentist office.

The next minute, I was putting a guy in handcuffs, putting them on the floor, dragging them into a room. Two-hour difference, three-hour difference. That's how quick your life could change. You get in your car, you are with your friends, you have a few drinks. You know, those are the guys that, when I got locked out, one of my friends that was the head of the laundry,

was Steve Simone. Think about Steve Simone. Think about a guy like Steve Simone. He wouldn't wrong you. He was a great little white guy. He was just starting his sophomore year in college at fucking, Colorado Springs. But Fort Collins, it's a veterinary.

It specializes in veterinary, and he was interested. He was interested in animals. He was a sweetheart of a guy. Six fucking year sentence. I got four. He got six for drinking and driving and killing. some bar. I don't know what the fuck happened. And then your life's never over.

And the guy he hit was drunk. Like it was a complicated fucking, they all left the bar together and there was like an accident. And six years. Six years. That guy, that guy was destined. That guy was not a criminal. By no means, he was destined to have a life. I'd

see his family on visitation and they were white and they were like mortified. They would sit in that visiting room. like it was the end of the world. They had never experienced this. This was not in their culture. Everybody else in that room,

their culture was, you know, being in jail or they had had some previous. These people never had this in their whole life. Every time they would come to visit them, I would look and I would feel horrible for them. And he would come over and introduce me to his family. Like, I met him a couple times. And they would look at me like I was a fucking Frankenstein,

but they knew I had their sons back. Right. You know, and they would talk to me the more I'd see him. And then by Thanksgiving, they were nice to me. We both got sent in there, like three days apart or something. Wow. So we were new. So we clung.

I could tell he was scared. Yeah. His body language was telling me he was scared. So I just wanted to assure him that he was all right, that he, you know, he was going to be okay. And then he finally confessed to me. He goes, I think they're going to rape me. And I go, no, then, look at this place. we were at a camp

ain't nobody gonna rape you unless you want to be raped I'll pin you a shit out like Lee you know what I'm saying he comes on my lap yeah come over in southern no but you know he was very

and then he fell into it and by like November we were fine when I left he was I forget what his name is you know I'm sorry I didn't keep in touch him he was a solid little friend

to me in that you know we didn't hang out together at night because he was a little on the scared side so he would stay in his room and read his books and he kept to himself and he was friends with the guys

like the African-American guys and his wing made him feel a little secure and you know he helped people with like he was one of those guys that helped you read and helped you get a high school diploma

and stuff like that so he finally fitted because he was a pretty fucking smart guy but my heart went out for him every day because he was living in horror that he had never shoplifted a lighter he had never jay walked but that's how quickly your life could change.

You know, you're at your buddy's house. Two guys are watching football. They gambled. They get into an argument. The one guy calls the one guy a fucking Arab. The other guy calls him a fucking Chinaman. Next thing, somebody hits somebody with a thing. He hits somebody, they die.

You're there. You know, so many things could happen in this life without your control that you don't fucking know. But what are you going to do? Live like a fucking hermit in your basement? No, you got to enjoy life and take your chances. You know, yesterday, I didn't want to admit this to anybody two days ago. You know, we put my daughter in a camp.

That morning, I had to take anxiety medication. I never take anxiety medication in the morning. But at 7 a.m. when I woke up, I was in such a fucking inspector of anxiety because I had to drop her off in a camp I wasn't familiar with. I went with the mother. We took a look around. It wasn't much, but she seemed interested. I looked at her.

She nodded, and she ran in. Guys, she ran in there. I had to say mercy, and she turned around, and I go, see you? She goes, see you? Boom. She was dying to get away from us. Three fucking months in the house, and we've done everything we can with her. But she's so fucking independent. She shot the fuck out of there.

So all day, I was waiting. I had my phone on me. I'm waiting for the call. Come get me. This sucks. Somebody hit me. I thought all these bad, negative things. My wife comes to me.

She goes, you want to pick her up with me? I said, absolutely. Let's go see. I was just going to see what the reaction was firsthand. I didn't want to hear it from my wife. Right. I pull up. My wife goes, you want to come in.

I got, no, I was sitting the car. I made a call. I tried to call you. The service was down that day. And next you know, the window is open. I hear them both come out. The first thing I hear was, Mommy, can I come back tomorrow? And my wife goes, yeah, you do?

My fucking heart settled. Everything went away. That was the last of my anxiety. Because now at least she's got a camp that'll hold her over. Right. Until she gets bored, which is about two weeks. Right. But by that time, the other camp will be ready with the pool.

Hopefully, if the numbers don't go up. And this is such a good example of, like, people changing. Because to me, you're like, yeah, That guy was scared in jail. That would be me. I'd be terrified. And you, now, 20 years later, you're nervous. Your daughter might not enjoy camp.

Yeah. What are you talking about? Because dog, this means I can't get my book done. Right. That means I'm on her all, she's on me all day. So I'm happy that. Plus, I didn't want to, listen, these last couple generations have come up,

you fucking kids with your fucking computers and the staying in. The staying in bullshit drives me. fucking crazy kids it drives me crazy i've never seen a society like this every time i open up my front door and i look down the street i don't hear kids playing my heart breaks more and more then i ride it off to california then i got on a plan i come to your town to visit to do comedy for the weekend and that's the first thing i do is i tell the guy like let's go down a residential neighborhood there ain't no kids playing outside no more i don't know what the fuck happened in society you know i want my kid to be out and i want her girlfriend's

be out with him walk around get involved go to the park and nobody gonna kill you this is you know this where we live ain't nobody gonna kill you but i want her to be out i want to you know when this shit when this shit happened from the beginning i think it was the first week my wife was like just waking up and doing homeschool with it i go that's not gonna work i go you forget when you drop her up she runs around for 20 minutes and she talks and she gets her ya ya-ya-za that's what i call it getting your ya-ya-z-a-z-ha she talks then you sit them down then you teach them. You teach them for an hour and a half.

Once they're fucking attention spans that's going backwards, boom! You take them outside again, throw them off, a different activity. Bring them back. She would say to me, I don't like the sweat. I don't give a fuck what you like. You're going to fucking sweat. You know, I got footage of me playing basketball with her.

I got footage of me and making her do drills through cones at the church over there. And they had cones set up for people who would not go in. Right. I used them as drill cones. I had a fucking doing basketball, going around for fucking cones. I don't give a fuck. You're not staying in the fucking house all day. So for me, her going to camp, yeah, it helped me out because what these kids that are staying in every day, 10 years from now, they're going to be in a psychiatrist.

Because they're going to be raised. That those three months of fear, you see the fear in your parents. Yeah. So obviously you're going to be scared. That's why I couldn't be scared throughout this. I couldn't show her I was scared throughout this I had to take it to McDonald's I didn't walk in there anyway

I don't know you gotta be crazy walking to McDonald's now that's automatic COVID especially now then they mix the gay parade with the regular black protesters so now you mix on HIV with COVID that's a fucking mixture

you can't make in China time they're gonna kill the world with that mixture HIV and fucking COVID together that's what I needed I love LBTQ and I love the fucking all black, you know, I want everybody, it's freedom of fucking speech,

but you can't mix because you're going to fuck us up. Now people are going to have itchy assholes. Now they're going to add complete different symptoms to COVID. You know what I'm saying? Do you have an itchy asshole? Does your mouth feel like you had a dick in it? You know, go to the hospital. We got to throw some humor here.

It's fucking Wednesday, cock suckers. Who's sparking another one with me? Nobody go fuck yourself. I'm going deep today. It's Wednesday. I got nothing on the tab and I got to go see my doctor tomorrow for a fucking blood test.

Wait a tell you to look at my blood test. It's going to be COVID and THC. And the COVID's beating the TAC the debt. He's beating them on the head like Seattle, like the fucking Antifa, whatever the fuck, hitting people with sticks, those poor bastards

or they're going to get hit. Now they got all these organizations, the boogaloos, the fucking antifas. I don't fucking, listen, I can't keep up. That's why you got to carry two pistols. Do they have to test you for THC for your doctor or no, they don't care? Let me explain

something to you. My doctor don't want to test me for TAC. You know, but you've got a new one. I got a new one, but Jimmy, you don't want to know that. I don't touch you for THC, Lee. I don't know. I'm doing a drug scan. They just pulling blood from you and looking for all the other shit for, you know,

diabetes, all that shit. I don't want to lose my foot and be on a roller skate thanks to you and shit. How's your roller skate? Good. This diabetes is great. You run over my foot all the time on purpose. The good foot, the Jew foot on the stump.

No, wait. I thought you had diabetes. Why do I have diabetes? No, you keep it up. You're going to get diabetes. They're going to give you one of those Auschwitz feet. Those little ones that they just gave you. If you were missing a leg.

That's amazing. We mentioned everybody here. We just, you know what I'm saying? Everybody gets love on the podcast. We just do the beautiful. There's one fucking, uh, everybody gets love. Gay people, black people. Everybody.

I love everybody. I don't give a fuck no more. Fuck it. We're all the same. Everybody's the same. We were all built at the same factory, brother. Get that through your fucking heads. Nobody was all the same, bro.

Whether you're gay, black, I don't give a fuck anymore. I love you as all. Don't go fuck yourself if you don't. Go listen to somebody else. Anyway, talking about fathers' day. I fucking hated it. Put a knot in my fucking sacks. stomach, and then God gave me mercy. Do you remember your first Father's Day with her?

A little painful at first. The first two were a little hard to digest. You know, when somebody, when for years somebody tells you you're not a good dad, and then one day you realized you weren't a good dad at that time. Because after I had mercy, and I think by the time Mercy was five, I made a conscious decision. I think I saw it on the podcast that I was doing some of Mercy She wanted to have fed her. Like it was her and I, I had her. Like my wife had something, so I had a feeder and do all that stuff. I remember sitting next to insane prayers and thinking,

I could never have done this 20 years ago. Like what I just did, I could have never done this. When I was going through all that stuff with my elder daughter and Jackie, I couldn't handle doing what I'm doing right now. And that's when I realized that I wasn't ready to be a dad. My ex-wife was right. My ex-wife was correct. I was not by all means ready for what I had on my plate.

Because of the Coke, because of my machoness, because of my hard-headedness and my stubbornness, I fought her. I didn't want to lose my name to her. I just wasn't ready to be a dad at that time. But when I did become ready to be a dad, she was all grown up. And that's the truth. That's the honest-to-God truth.

Now with Mercy came, I was ready to be a dad, and I proved that to myself now. So, you know what, Mercy's 7. I had Jacqueline until she was 5, and I had my little situation, and I had to devote myself to comedy, gave my wife and out. They took her to England. We lost contact for a while on purpose. Then I called the house and reconnected. From there on in, it was just a long...

and Bally it and I came to grips with it and then God threw Jackie in my fuck out mercy on my lap just because I came to grips of what had happened boom God threw a fucking fastball out and guess what I headed out of the fucking park and now today yeah today I feel like a dead I'm ready to accept the gift on Sunday and tell her I love her and hang out with her I don't know where we're going to go everything's fucking closed, you know. I was hoping, Universal's open, but the rides aren't. You can still go up there,

park for free, and walk. Some of the restaurants are open. You know, I don't know if I'm ready. You're not going to add it up and put an apron in a grill outside. Uncle Joey's the master a lot of things. They're all psychological. Cook it ain't one of them. Really? You don't grill? I figured you'd be good at things.

My wife is good at things. Interesting. Yeah, I don't touch that. See me, that's like, that's how I, no, I'm not ready to be a dad. Like I just, because my dad didn't do a lot of kids stuff. He did some stuff, but he was always outside of it on the grill

and knew how to do that. I didn't understand the child. When I was on a Coke in 95 and 91, I didn't understand a child. I was still a fucking child. Yeah. I was still a child who was on drugs who had regressed 20 fucking times, you know?

You know, I wasn't fucking ready. That's why I know now in my heart that when I'm with mercy and I do little things, especially during this quarantine. I've made something of this quarantine. I'm very happy that I made something of myself during this quarantine.

I got stronger. I took a breather and let me look at myself, my past, and let me look at my future. And I suggested it to you guys, I told you since day one, get your money back from those tickets. And I'm not telling them, get your money back. If something doesn't feel right,

pack your refrigerators with food, the way your money, get your weapons ready, get your explosives, just in case somebody wants coming your fucking door. Because listen, in two weeks, if we don't go back to work, or they start doing shut-ins or whatever, just because things are open, don't mean restaurants are doing great. No. I spoke to my friend the other than I was a Thai restaurant. Did $100 on Friday.

It did $100 worth of business on Friday. So we expected to reopen for all these people to come out and be spending money. It'd be like 19-20. It's not happening. But listen, in Florida, they're going out. In Arizona, they're going out. And in Texas, they're going out big time. And listen, like I said, I'm not Fidel Castro.

I'm not for Del Castro by no means. I'm sure if I was 18, I'd still be out there snorting coke with a mask on a little a little hole in it. You know, me, I'm not going to lie to nobody. But just be, just keep your eyes open, man. You know what? Avoid a fucker. If it's over eight people, you don't want to fucking really be there.

You don't want to be there. Listen, I let life dictate itself. I would love to do comedy next weekend. Did you see that fucking Jack Jr.? Post that he was doing a show Wednesday? No. He was doing a show Wednesday. Tonight he was doing a show.

He had a planned, advertised. They called him up. They said, listen, I don't know if you know this. You ain't doing no show. Whoa. They said, we don't give it, what the numbers are down. We don't give a Frenchman's fuck. You ain't doing no show.

You want to open up and sell chicken wings? Go ahead. You want to sell a couple cocktails? Then Jack Jr., said, what will do in the backyard? And they said, no, you won't. So that's just so you people know what's going on in California. Well, yeah, I mean, you posted the other day. They already canceled the Oscars.

Yeah. Well, they canceled the Oscars for the wrong reasons. I'm very sorry I posted that. They didn't cancel the Oscars because they expect something. They cancel the Oscars because they're not shooting no movies right now. Oh, okay. So you have such a three-month gap, no movies. So nobody's going to win nothing.

There's going to be three movies going up against themselves. So they want to give people an opportunity to get their movies out there. I mean, I'm expecting to hear from the Sopranos any day now on the prequel. Any day, and when I hear from them, it's going to be a week later. They're flying me here. I'm going to hear from them to go to get them. a COVID test. And to send them the results

and then they'll see from there and then they'll plan the whole thing after that. When I land at the airport, they'll give me a COVID test. They'll give me a COVID test at the hotel before I check in on the set and then after the set, whatever, it's going to be a quick shoot.

You can't shoot long hours. So I'm expecting that. And that's it. That's all I know for right now. All I know is today. Like you said to me today Guys look I learned a long time ago I saw people who sat there

And made plans for fucking three years The garbage needs to come now This is what I'm saying The hits don't stop I had an ambulance chase I had fucking Johnny helicopter out there For 10 minutes Now I got this guy going backwards

He don't want to hit nobody Ain't nobody out there Turn the fucking beeper off And if you hit somebody All you're gonna hear And you just take off Fuck it I don't know nothing who hit him COVID

I love this marijuana guys I love Wednesdays most people hate one it's hump day there's another day to get stoned to the fucking gills and look at life or what it is you're collecting unemployment whatever the fuck you're doing

there's no debt is prison hang on bitches but anyway back to Father's Day man I became a dead and I'm fucking happy so thank you very much and you guys helped a lot you guys helped a lot with your emails

and your questions a lot of people questions my story about Jackie and what happened and hey whatever you want to believe whatever put down you got for me guys believe it but I'm telling you right now nobody got abandoned nobody was missing fucking meals everything was planned everything I saw the future I was like listen this is either going to end me up in prison or something bad is going to happen here either way I'm gonna lose I had already been thrown out of the comedy works on a fake fucking sexual grab some girl's ass charge

and I knew that that was just the beginning of the bullshit coming my way. So I'm happy I took the sign. Listen, that's what I was trying to say to you people. Sometimes life gives you fucking signs. You don't need to even get involved sometimes. Life will give you signs and it's not more eminent to me

than when I started doing stand-up comedy. You've got to read the signs, life gives you, and roll with it. It's not going to happen. Maybe that's the way. whoever's watching over me, Buddha, the Jew God, God,

hijad, whatever, who's ever looking over you? Is that his name jihad? I don't fuck that. I don't know. I don't know. I think is he hi. I don't know who he said. Who's ever looking over you, that's like the way you wanted. If Braya opens next weekend, I'm very happy. You know?

If Braya doesn't open, I'll wait until July for the residency. I don't want people getting sick either. So I'm working everything on signs. That's why Right now, the sign is to sit tight. Put your mask on. You want to exercise, be my guest.

If you want to take your mask off, if you're outside after 20 minutes, and you're by yourself, and you're socially distancing, and you're by yourself, and you don't have 20 people walking in front of you, you can take that mask down. Oh, yeah.

If you're white outside, because you're going to get CO2, whatever that is, poisoning. I got it to one day on the bicycle. That's great. I kept the mask on the whole time, and you can't do that. When you pull over, I leave it off now, and I take like a minute break and drink water and breathe, take deep breaths.

Because that mask, I'm telling you, it's fucking amazing how bad I felt that day. I can't wear it working out. Yeah, so, you know, it'll give you oxygen poisoning or some shit, something, some type of poison that I was reading about the other day, and I didn't know about it until it happened to me. I've gotten poisoned two fucking times the last couple months. I got this fucking other poison. Then last I got the sun poisoning.

Let me tell you something. Last night, my wife was taking sheets of skin off my back. Guys, sheets of skin were peeled off my back. Every time I scratch, I feel water because I got water blisters all over my shoulders. My fucking, I had them on my face. Didn't you see him? I had them on my face for a couple days. That's how bad I got fucking burnt last Wednesday at the beach.

With 22 layers of sun powder on, whatever the fuck, sun and tanning lotion on. That's crazy. You're not even hot fuel. Oh, my God. I was burnt to fucking debt. But I'm Cuban. I'm used to this shit. I've been getting the sun all my...

I love the sun. My legs are fucking dark, fucking dark, dark, dark, dark. They got burnt. My legs didn't get sunburned. It was just my shoulders, the inside of my back. And my wife must have put sun tons. She even said last night, she goes, this is amazing

I put that stuff on you like four times I go I know that's how strong the fucking sun was so I'm all right though now fuck it I went to Novitor yesterday I got my little red light therapy

Did you go freeze with it? I haven't frozen yet I'm not I haven't worked myself up to freeze yet That's next week Interesting Tomorrow I got the physical That's the blood draw

And the doctor's office That's gonna be a biggie That's gonna be a biggie that's going to be a big that's a lot of breathing that's a lot of nose breathing why do it outside could they take blood outside

yeah yeah yeah for me don't take me outside and stick a finger up my ass outside and though I love your questions they're always so yeah they're going to take you outside that's great anyway this is what I got to deal with

on a daily basis last week we were talking about places to move he goes I was thinking about Oklahoma I went home and I'm like I could see if we had somebody that came in from on our... You never even met nobody from Oklahoma. No. And this is without weed or drugs, people.

We don't imagine what I got to put up with the edibles? You have no fucking... I'm looking at weather. I'm looking at prices of houses. Yeah. Where? Oklahoma City. For what?

It has good, decent weather. It doesn't have hurricanes. But the houses are cheap. That's all I was looking at. You know what the house are cheap? Where? Because there was a bombing in there, you stupid fuck. You're not moved to Oklahoma.

You're not moving to Oklahoma. You can't be that retarded that you looked at a lot of homes. do you see what that people do you see that put up with on a daily and you're lucky he called me on edibles I didn't even know who it was

you don't even know who the fuck he's saying I was like how many animals you eat last night and it wasn't even that night it was the next day so please knock it off you lost all credibility

he wants to move to Oklahoma unfucking believable and do what hang out with Indians I don't know what are you going to do what are you going to do no you don't even know anybody in Oklahoma, for Christ's sakes.

Go home with your mother leave, please. Go to Boston, live in the basement. I'm moving anywhere. I'll fold your clothes for you. You can sit down there until whatever San Giro Day. The Armenian will come get you in a few months. He'll take you to Houston. Once the COVID go, can you imagine all those fat fucks right now

in the Armenian trying to lose weight in Houston? Those poor fat bass are 600 pounds, they can't leave the house. The Armenians are whipping. I love smoking marijuana, especially on the podcast with you people. It gives me a nice little feeling. I got tingles. I start the day off on the right fucking foot.

And that's it and that's that. Listen, people. Because of this COVID thing, there's some people I want in here and there's some people I don't want in here. So for a couple days, for a couple podcasts, going to be one with a guest, one with us. You better get used to.

We're just going to come in here, drop knowledge, crack a couple jokes, keep you on track, and that's it. You're on to your fucking day. We don't have time no more. There's people going to fuck parades people are jumping up and down I don't know who the fuck's coming in here and right now in this point in my life I got to look out for me I got to look out for

Lee Syatt and I got to look out from my fucking family you know if you don't see me out on the road don't get mad at me again I got to think of the big picture I can't think of what I want yes do I not miss going on stage are you fucking kidding me every night I sit there at 8 o'clock and go Jesus Christ the other night just took a ride off over Laurel Canyon just to make it feel like I was going on the comedy store. I got the Laurel Canyon. I went over. I may believe I was going to go to that McDonald's. You really can't go in that way. And I'm in a U-turn. I came right back up Laurel Canyon. Did you even go by the store? Didn't even go by the store. I just wanted

to make the drive. It took me 8.9 minutes. There was not one fucking soul on Laurel Canyon. I went up and over. Again, as far as next weekend, I don't know what's going to happen in Breyer. It's Wednesday, and I haven't heard anything. And I'm sorry. Hopefully, by tomorrow, I could post something on there because it'll give you a week out, and we'll see if there's going to be 100 people, 200 people, or there's not going to be a show at all. But don't worry about it because starting, I think, July 13th, it's Brea one week, Oxnard the next, and Brea the following week. And then I got other things in store that I'm going to be dropping on your people.

So, listen, you're having a rough time. I'm having a rough time. We're all having a rough time, but guess what? We're having a rough time together, and that's better than doing it alone. I love you guys with all my fucking heart. I know you're going through hell.

Thank you for all the early, happy Father's Day. Already I got him last night. Tuesday night. People like, Joey, happy Father's Day. So I said, you know what? Tomorrow, we'll do a little podcast just to let you know I feel about Father's Day. I'm comfortable now.

I'm comfortable because of my daughter. I'm comfortable because of my wife. and I'm also comfortable because of the way you guys have nurtured me throughout this time. You know, before my wife had mercy, I was now. I didn't think I could live up to it. I thought I was a failure. I had failed once before. What's going to make me not fail again?

But this time, I had to do it for myself. I had to do it for her. And I had to do it for you guys to win your trust back just to let you know I didn't just abandon a child. So this Sunday means the world to me. So thank you very much for listening. Thank you for smoking two joints with me. Thank you for letting me come on and break your balls for a few hours. And that's it.

If you took offense to anything, go fuck yourself. These are just jokes. It's a comedy podcast, not a fucking, you know, political collect, product podcast. I'm not here to impress nobody. I'm just here to have a good time for an hour and let you know I got you back. All right?

Real quick. Before I get you out of here, real quick, want to talk to you about something. Listen, I was having a rough time. Everything got together. I found the bike. I got my mind right. I went back to the notebook.

The notebook was important. And listen, what Lee was saying in the beginning, yes, I live for the daily. I live for today. But I live for 90 days from here. I live for 30 days from here. And I live on a daily. 30.

When you have a notebook, it's a daily goal. The 30-day goal. the 60 day goal, the 90 day goal, and the one year goal on where you want to be. That's the breakdown. I focus on the today goal. Every day I write, every morning I write a journal, and every morning I write what I want and what I need to do to get there. So it's not, I want a mazorati.

I want to get my dick sucked eight times a day. Well, what do you need to do to get a mazorati? I need to get out of the house. I need to fucking make money. How are you going to make money? Break it down. Write it down for me. Write it down for me to the fucking letter. How you're going to make money? And write it down, close that notebook, and go back and look a month later and see what happens to your fucking life. I've been doing it now. Little by little. The beginning, I was just, on the daily, I was just going for health. Health. Forget about

money. Forget about anything else. Just to stay healthy. Just to keep my quarters all level down. So I don't You know, people would die, you could die from a heart attack right now, from stressing out about your bills, your small business, your money, you know, whatever. I told you, there's no debt as prison. So the first thing we had to focus on to move forward was our health. My health, my wife's health, and my daughter's health. We had to adjust the vitamin D, exercise, everybody's exercising. You know, we're eating right.

I took bacon out of my diet. Took bacon out of my fucking diet. I'm down there. You know how much I hate scrambled death? except with ketchup. That's what brings the white trash out of me. Scramble that with ketchup. Ooh, fucking delicious.

With a piece of fucking wheat bread in the morning. So I cut my points down for breakfast. It takes me a lot longer. So guys, listen, I don't just talk to talk. I walk the fucking walk with you guys. I'm here with you. And that's it. And that's that.

Now the guys decide to make a fucking reverse again. You see that I live with? Do you see what I fucking live with? how long how long how long just take to go backwards listen to this it's all over you see what I'm saying I can't fucking win anyway I hire them to mess with you are you high you know I hired them to mess with you I hope you didn't hire them mess with me anyway real quick

I love them they were there for me from day one and once I started using their products and reading about it and talking to Joe I really really, really enjoy him. And that's, you got to go to Honit. You want to get healthy. You want to go to Honit. You want to start getting healthier, thinking healthier. You got to go to Honet between the Alpha Brain, the New Mood, the Shroom Tech, the Shroom Tech immune and sport, the protein powders, this MCT oil for your coffee or however you want to do it in your shakes. Listen, supplement wise, I love them. Why? Because they also talk to talk and walk to walk. Why? Because if you don't the Alphabet. If it don't work for you, if you don't feel better in 7, 10, 20 days,

you can fucking tell them. I don't like it. They'll send you your money back and you can keep the product. Do whatever you want with it. Light it on fire. I don't give a fuck. When a company makes you that promise, I believe in them because they're backing what the fuck they're saying. So do me a favor right now. Talk is cheap. Go to honor.com right now. Look at what they got to offer you. Kettle bells, club bats are cool. Bro, get yourself a 15 pound club bat and go on YouTube and learn. some exercise. See how much fucking fun you have. And I don't even, I can't do nothing for you on the club bat or the kettlebells.

I get you 10% off though on the supplements. And that's what matters right there alone. So go to honor.com right now. Pick up a little bottle of alpha brain. Pick up a little bottle on new mood if you're having a rough time and get back to me. But do me a favor. Pick it up before on the way checking out. Pressing code.

Church, C-H-U-R-C-H. Get 10% off and get it delivered to your house. That's how we do it. Okay, over it on it. Number two, I want to talk to you about another company right here, who I love to death. Why? Because if it wasn't for them, my wife would be miserable.

Stamps.com. Listen to me. Stamps.com brings the post office into the comfort of your own home. Skip the line, print postage 24-7. Any letter, any size package going anywhere in the world, right from your couch. And the best part is the mailman will come and pick it up. No contact required.

It's that simple. Everyone is avoiding crowds right now. But when you need to go to the post office, print postage at home and skip the lines with stamp.com. Plus, save money on discounts. You can't even get at the post office. And now stamps.com is working with UPS. If you don't know, now you know. And get what?

Get discounts up to $60. percent off. That's what I'm talking about. Get five cents off every first class stamp and up to 62 percent off on shipping. That is fucking huge savings, especially now. Save up to 62 percent on UPS rates. Are you crazy? Plus never pay residential surcharges again. You can't beat that. So do me a favor. If you have a small business, you're selling t-shirts, pictures, whatever how you're doing this is the way to go you want to be a fucking machine you want your business to be a fucking machine go to stamps.com is a no-brainer especially now because they're going to save your time and money and keep you safe by avoiding fucking crowds anywhere okay so right now they got a

special offer do me a favor for the church family hey i know you're struggling this is the way to make a comeback four-week trial period Plus, free postage and a digital scale. Joy, what are you talking about? Four-week trial, free postage, and a digital scale. No long-term commitment to contracts. It's easy. Just go to stamps.com, click on the microphone at the top of the homepage, and press in church.

Are you crazy? You're going to save 62% on UPS, and you get five cents off every first class. stamp. Who does that for you? Uncle motherfucking Joey. Go to Stamps.com, click on the microphone at the top of the home page and press in church. Give the hubbister some work. She's a fucking mailman that cuck sucker. Go to Stamps.com and press in church and stay safe, my friends. Listen,

first of all, I want to wish all the fathers listen to a podcast a happy Father's Day from the bottom of my heart and all the mothers, because you mothers are part-time fucking fathers too. And that's it and that's that. I hope you have a great weekend. I hope you stay safe. I hope you stay healthy. I hope nothing gets into you.

Wear your mask. Wash your hands. Whatever the fuck they tell you to do. Just do. If it's six feet, go eight feet. Drink your water. Bang your wife. And that's it.

Spread the love, brother. That's all. You got nothing to be angry about. You know why? You're motherfucking alive. That's the most important thing. Everything else, there's no dentist prison. Somebody will give you a fucking house.

You can always hit somebody in the head. You know, something. Something's always up. I love you guys. Thank you very much for listening to the church of what's happened. Now, we'll see you Monday morning, bright and early. Tip-top, McGoo, ready to go. Stay black.

Have a great weekend. Kick this fucking meal.