The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #797 - Felipe Esparza

Episode Date: June 22, 2020

Felipe Esparza, stand up comedian, host of the "What's Up Fool?" podcast, and actor seen in "Gentefied" and "Superstore," joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt LIVE in studio.    This podcast is brought to you by:   CBD Lion - For all of your CBD needs, from shatter to gummies, go to www.CBDLion.com and use code CHURCH for 20% off.   Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout on your first order.

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Welcome to church, motherfucker. Monday the 22nd and you're still locked up and you got to put your face mask on. Take that, cock suckers. It's a beautiful motherfucking day to be alive. My guest is my brother, longtime fucking gangster Felipe Esparser. What's up, fool? Former winner of Last Comic Standing and all that bullshit now.

He's just back to being an OG gangster on the road. It's good to have you back. The Christ killers here. We're ready to go for you motherfuckers. that thought you could hold this down. It's over. Listen, the reason why I told my life story on here was for two reasons.

To let you know, you could do whatever the fuck you want to do with your life. It doesn't matter if you have felonies, addictions, whatever. You get your life together to move forward. And it's to come clean and use you guys as a psychiatrist. So somebody wants to use a tape against me that happened 22 years ago, a tape that has been up for 10 years. How boring is your fucking life? You know what I'm saying?

Get yourself together. I've made immense, and I've tried my hardest to be the man my mother wanted me to be. Besides that, I don't know you motherfuckers, nothing, I know, comedians or nothing. So without that, that's it. Felipe, talk to me, bad motherfucker. What's up, fool, man. We're here. So glad to be here, man.

Cancelled culture. I'm sad, bro. It's very sad. I can't even get canceled. I canceled myself 10 years ago. I'm not even famous enough to be canceled. And if they do, who gives a fuck? we're stand-ups.

We're not actors. I'm not Jeremy Piven. That's funny. Before they were showing the video, I remember somebody's bad tweets came up from eight years ago. Actually, Melissa Villasseigneur, when she was about to go on SNL, some Latina, Chicana, socialist, warrior, woke, Latinx lady. She says something about Melissa Villasenor that she said,

you know, she's a young comic. She wrote it. She apologized. But she tried to cancel. her and try to get her off S&L and I'm like, what? So I tweeted myself, you know, in her defense. I remember I tweeted, and man, if you ever try to go back to all my tweets, all you're going to see is really bad grammar.

That's it from the beginning. You know, people would call you on bad spelling, and a lot of people could spell. We just write so fast. We write without dinky. Like, I don't proof check. Me neither. Sometimes I say, I'm going over there.

I might not stay there. It just looks like I'm going somewhere. Why do you think I hate text messaging? You ever text? I don't text. Why do you text somebody and you look up and instead of saying, boy, it's his ball, and now they think you're saying something wrong to them or something. So I don't, and I got no glasses half the time.

Neither do I. I don't even, I got disconnected the thing. What am I going to get text messages for? But people can bother me? I don't need the people bother me in text messages. I can't see it. And when I would send back, I don't like people texting me for business. Oh.

If you're going to want to do business, you've got to call me. What's been going on? The worst, the worst text. Hell yeah. The worst text you can ever get a first email anywhere. Can I ask you a question? You just did, you, motherfucker. Get to the question.

Can I ask you a question? Or when they text me, can I ask you a question? Or they call me and leave a message. Can I call you and ask you a question? You did text me one time, bro. That was when I was not picking up my phone. and you were worried. You said,

how many times do I have to call you, Cocksucker? That's true. That's true, though, man. I've been doing great, man. I've been staying home. I've been walking my dogs. I've been getting up early,

six o'clock in the morning every day. This is the first time you've been home at night and I want money. Man, this is the first time I've been at home and ever, dude, it's the longest I've been without doing stand-up comedy. How many years have you been involved in comedy? 21 years.

Can you imagine that? After 20 years shutting your lights out. That's why I understand the pain people are in. That for 20 years they had a day job. And now they've got to work out of the house or not work at all. This bothered me on every level because people lost their jobs just like we did. We didn't fucking, you know, we're not better than anybody else. We lost our fucking jobs.

We don't know when that's coming back. Yeah, they're doing comedy in Texas and Arizona and Florida. They're jumping up and down. But the hospitals are filled up. So eventually they're going to have to close them. They're going to push these ones back. So you have to accept that. We're going to live in a COVID comedy culture.

And then when people say that we're all in this together, then you get the haters. Oh, really? You make a million dollars a year. Or you make $7 million. You make $85,000. I make $30,000. How do I end this together?

People don't understand, man, that people who make, who are in movies, just say like, for example, Arnold Schwarzenegger. He makes movies. He's just saying his movies are in Paramount. Paramount is closed. Okay. Those producers are still making millions of dollars,

but there's still shoe shine guys in that, walking around the studio, shoe shining shoes, bro. There's still people out there making pizzas. There's a lot of people who work in the kitchen at Warner Brothers who are out of a job. So are we in this together or not? And you know what?

Let me tell you something. And you've been acting for a while, and I've been acting for a while. Is there any money in acting? Hell no. There's no money. There's no money in acting. So when you really...

I don't care how many times you see me unentified on Netflix. I only got paid once. Once. You know, it's the weirdest thing that there's no money in fucking acting no more. To be honest, it made me feel not as bad about not being rich now because I can't imagine having a $10,000 a month mortgage or having a Tesla that I have to pay off. Like, my... People really...

People really... When people wake up in the mornings and they say, oh, I want to be rich. I wish I was rich. That's a horrible statement to say. I want you to say, how can I work myself to have money? Not that I want to be rich. People think that because being rich, they, what's the word? I'm using it for.

They think of rich of having no more problems. No more problems. Everything's paid for. You will wake up, you'll wake up and your fucking glass is broken on your car. It just happened, okay? you go upstairs and part of you does the math in your head, what's it going to cost you? I got to call in sick for work now.

You just lost another 50. And the first thing that comes to mind is if I was rich, I wouldn't have any of these problems. Guess what? You're going to have 10 times more problems. For years, I sought, I want to be rich, I want to be rich, I want to be rich, I want to be rich, I want to be rich. And then I figured out that being poor made me happy

because the best times I had in my life were hooking up with you on a Tuesday night when you would tell me, bro, I got you a green burrito, I fought for you, bro. The kitchen was... I got you a green burrito with green hot sauce and pork on top. The kitchen would be closed and the fucking light was still beyond a little box

with a burrito. It wasn't... I did comedy. When I first started doing comedy, I knew there was no money. I knew that going in. And I told myself out for four years. There ain't no money. My first feature spot was 450, opening up for Laurie Kilmartin in Seattle.

Feature spot. There ain't no plane ticket. They didn't even give you nobody to stay. It was 450. Do what you want to do. You stay in a box and outside? We don't give it. So I always knew there was no dough in it.

But guess what there was? There was compassion. When I went down there, that burrito would be waiting for me, that little green chili burrito. My point is that I couldn't imagine just being an actor. I know. Even when we were performing at the improv, when we were a lot of, to perform at the improv in the beginning.

They were only given $15.00. And we never saw the check because even when we saw the check it came out of taxes, $7. Oh, I went there, bro. Let me tell you, man. I went there for the shrimp Fedonini and the side bread dog. Those shrimp were huge.

And they made sure that the comedian that were performing only eight. And I remember what time Joe D. had his big plate. And he had gas. And he had Josh all around his plate. It goes, come on, Cocksuckers. If buddy, but Freeman pass his by right now, he's gonna take my plate away.

What's the Spanish waiter? Oh, man, he's still there. He's still there. You give him $20? You watch him go to work. Is the older gentleman? Yeah. He's really skinny. He's always there.

He's always the fastest one. He's been there since 1990. In the open, bro. Wow. And his motto is, tell him, Felipe, al-a-Orden. Al-Orden. That's Spanish shit. What does that mean?

At your service. That's your service. Oh, shit. And it says, Al-a-Orden. When he meets you, he comes up to you and says, Lee, Say,ette, how much da? Yes, al-Orden. And he comes and brings you a menu, and you feel like you deserve to eat that. No matter if you're going up first in front of a black audience, if you're following

Damon Wayans all the way at the end. for one minute he takes your mind off of comedy wait until he brings that bread to the table and you haven't eaten since 3.30 in the afternoon and he brings butter and then he'll go, you want more bread? Yeah. You know, this is what it's all about. For real, man.

This is what comedy. You see the humanities. I will come into the improv, kind of fucked up and I will see him like, dude, he's like hunchback, bro, with five plates. Yeah. He's one of those dudes, you know, that respects work. Like, you know, like some people,

Once their job is done, they'll stand around and do nothing. This guy will find a little broom, bro, and start sweeping a little corner or wiping a little grief off the side, you know, watching. And he's keeping an eye on everything, man. He's really sharp, and you see him now. I give him a big hug. Don Joey, how about Joe? Romando, whatever's name is, I give him a big hug.

The manager has also been there for 20. And the bartender too, right? They did some of a thing for him? Yeah, they just had a thing for him. I couldn't go. It was a Monday, like at six. but the improv, that family over there, that guy is from Boulder. So I hit it off with him right away.

He's still the manager there, the kitchen manager, the floor manager. That'll be a really sad part about restaurants closing. Because I mean, I was a server for years. And yeah, a lot of people look at it as like a job you skip over. But you're right. There's some people who take, like, those jobs very seriously and like they're amazing. And you know when you're there, getting served by them. And they make tons of money.

Tons, because they don't treat anybody like anybody else does. When you have them, you know you're getting taken care of. You know, last night, two nights ago, I had the baby. We were going home. My daughter, the baby, she's not a fucking baby. And I stopped at Yum Yum Donuts. And some, you know, people are calling in the donut orders. I want to take them to smack them.

This is how white they are, where I live. They actually have the Spanish lady. And again, do you know how Spanish? She barely knows English. And I walk in there. Last week, I walked in there two weeks ago. My daughter, they got her a donut. And there she is on the phone with somebody.

Hello, coffee? What do you mean, cappuccino? I do not know a cappuccino. And the people are like, yeah, we want a double mocha. And then, you know, they show up, and this lady doesn't speak English. She just put cream in your coffee. What mocha? It's yum, yum, yum donuts.

What cappuccino are you talking about? What Frappuccino? What flat white? There's no flat white and fucking yum yum donuts. No. So they got her on the phone talking to Spanish ordering like glaze. And she's looking and she's going, no, just glazed. And they're like, what about this?

And she's like, no, just glaze. I'm dying because they're white. They don't know that she don't even know what they're talking about. No, sandwiches. Sandwiches. And people, and all of a sudden I'm like, hold. As soon as I walk in, she goes, hold on police. And she puts him on hold, and she goes, oh, I'm like,

they should come right over and take care of me. Let me tell you something. That's the difference. I don't care about the guy calling in the order. I care about the live guy. He's more important to me. That's money right there. I got to deliver food to this smuckle.

A thousand things could happen. I got to pay a driver. I get hit with a bolt of lightning. The money is right there, so take care of me. You ever walk into a place? and the guys on the phone and you wait for or five minutes. Oh, yeah. Right there, that's, in my old world, that's fired.

You're fired. Or what if they answer the phone when you're there? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. When they answer a personal call? Oh, no, another order. Fire. Or they're in a bad mood, but they're in a bad mood is still when they take in your order. So I feel like to tell you, listen, bitch, I don't give a fuck how your day is going.

You're working. You fucking give me a little smile. And of respect. respect and take my order. And you know what? If you're nice to me, let me tell you, man. I see people pissed off. Like, they just been yelled at.

But then they come back with me and they're really nice to me. Bro, I put him to us, listen, man, fuck that guy, bro. You're better than this. And I give him a little five or a little ten, bro. Yeah. Something like that. Or say, man, you smoke weed? Yeah.

All right, man. there's this spot over here where they saw the best shit. I go there at three. If you're there at three, I'll buy you something, whatever. You know, I want to, you got to realize one thing that these people, and people are going to get angry that I said this, yes, we opened up too early. A lot of businesses have opened up too early. Unless you know, you don't know.

Go ask those businesses. Go sit outside those businesses and see how much of a change it's made that they've opened up early. It hasn't made that much of it. difference. They're still only making anywhere from 100 to two to three to 500 a day, which is 70, 80 percent less to what they're making. They opened up too early. There's no money. There's not that much money going around right now. The average American is in lightening cigars and buying houses right now. You know, they're going from paycheck to paycheck to get unemployment. God bless them. They're getting their stimulus check. I don't even know how we got

to this conversation. This reef is good. We were talking about the little man. The waiters who are missing out on his money. When I go to these, I always thought that, you know, when these restaurants open, they're having a hard time right now, guys. The wheat store I go to urban trees, I love them to death, best weed store around. They're having a hard time. People aren't going down there.

It's not because the weed ain't good. You know what I'm saying? You can see the weed is on fire. It comes to the labels. It's that the money ran out. Cinco to my all weekend. May 6 is when people realize what they're, the fuck was going on. And guess what? Now they're about to pay a fourth rent.

Jesus. Next week, most Americans are about to pay a fourth rent with no paycheck. How do you think the overall morale is? How do you think the fucking, why do you think I come here Wednesday and fucking Monday and Wednesday? Because I know, and I want them to know that I'm, I was that person. I'm there with you. Our morale is down. We got nowhere to go at night. We think this has been fucking fun and jokes for me. I have been going out every night since 1979. And now

you want to come out with cancel culture in the worst time of the world when we're supposed to be loving people. We're supposed to all lives matter, black lives matter, all these movements. You know what, man? Let me tell you and two people have told me this. And I think you're going to tell me this too

because I know what type of man you are. Did you fall in love with Lisa over this period? Yeah. Have you We fall in love with Lisa. Right now two things happen. Either you fucking want to stab your wife and they're going to find her in the trunk. In about a month, there's going to be a bunch of wives missing.

We don't know what happened. She went to her out. She never came back. Watch. Either you fell in love with your wife again or you hate that person. You saw them for what they are. In my house, we fell in love with ourselves.

Our family became stronger. And guess what happened this weekend over the weekend? I got an email from Tammy Pasquitelli. She goes, I hope you saw what happened. over the weekend. The church family came out. This isn't an internet group. This is a state of mind.

This is a family. And I appreciate it. This is a church. It's a beautiful thing to see. It's a beautiful thing to see. And I owe you motherfuckers with all your heart because you know, I've had more women in that chair than most podcasters do. I put a ton of women in that fucking chair and I give them a voice and ask any of them

if any time they had to do anything. And there's been some women that's in that have been pretty loose women. Ask them. Ask them if they fucking. Ask them. anything has happened here or whatever. So before you, you know, once that dude got in trouble, that fucking the guy who was the judge for choking the girl in college, you got Kavanaugh.

I knew that when Kavanaugh, when Kavanaugh got called out by something he did 29 years ago. The Supreme Court guy. Okay. I set the clock. I swear to my mother. You've been saying it for years. I set the clock.

I go, when is this going to end? because somebody's going to have to find one of these videos one day. The problem they have is that I don't give a fuck. They don't cancel me. I cancel them. I'm saying the truth about my life, whether you accept it. How come for years? Felipe, for years, I read little things.

Joe Diaz is a liar. Joe Diaz is a liar. Those stories are full of shit. How come that story wasn't full of shit? That one took. You know? And if I'm such a bad person, you're worried about a girl that sucked my dick 22 years? How about the guy

put in the trunk of the car? You never said nothing about that. You never brought that up. Or what they say? Or this time when they said it wasn't a lie, they didn't even know the year. Every time they say you're alive, bro, that didn't happen in 1983.

That didn't happen in 1979. Or how about this? When I was thinking about everything that was going down with you, and the only thing that I ever felt bad when you had to show at Felicia Michaels and you stole that transgender person's ways. Yeah.

And they're very expensive wings. Yes. And you felt bad for it. Yes. Because later on, you got your ass kick. I felt terrible about that. You cannot be responsible. You are responsible for what you did when you're 18.

I'm not going to hold you responsible. Unless you rape somebody and killed somebody. Oh, fuck that, dude. Again, you don't know what you're doing when you're 18. You saw a movie, whatever. I'm not going to send you money in prison. because you're in your own fucking personal health. But I'm talking about,

if you hit somebody in the head with a bottle when you're 18, and now we're 50, that person lived, you lived, everybody lived, everybody lived, you don't keep hitting people in the head with bottles. We're cool. And my book, we're cool. I've done things, I've done one thing, it didn't feel right, and I moved on.

You know, I love women. I was raised to love women. I was raised to love women. shell all shapes all sizes some I had fun with some I didn't have fun with but none of them ever could complain that there's something that they didn't want you know what I'm saying like I'm not a criminal I'm not a sexual deviant

if you call me a criminal that I am if you call me out and say 30 years ago I robbed your purse oh fuck yeah that probably happened I probably did rob your purse to the supermarket because you turn your back you wouldn't ask for fun you wouldn't ask for co-cuts and left your purse open like an asshole I got to rob you and left the wallet sticking out.

I got to rob you because you're a dumb fuck, you know. Do I regret it? Oh, with all my fucking heart. I was a stupid kid. That's what you're 30s are for. So get it together. The fuck is wrong with these people, Felipe. What the fuck is wrong with these people?

And in the world of Hollywood, if you really knew Hollywood and you really knew what type of people were out there and you really seen it, how many times have you seen a famous manager go up to the store? How many women are going to suck his dick? They all running to him.

You can't believe it. Guys, too. When a hot agent walks into the room, even a young male comedian start wearing skirts. They start walking up to him. How are you? Right.

Can I get you a drink? Send him a drink? The part of the bother me... But I will say that all women do that, though. No, not everyone does it, but the part that bothers me is everyone pretends when they're getting angry about this stuff that they've lived a perfect life.

Like, I didn't say anything on Twitter. I try to, because when all this stuff happens, I'm like, it's going to be over in a day or two. But it's like, I learned from a kid, you don't throw stones in glass houses. Everyone has something. Everybody has some. And you're very high and mighty to be like, oh, he's a terrible part. Like, really? This was so long ago.

You're saying that you can't, that. I would want to have the ability to explain myself or to be like, oh, I'm sorry that I did that. That was 10 years ago. Like that was 20 years ago. We said it 10 years ago. I have a daughter now. I have all these women that I work with on a daily basis. Yeah, I wouldn't like myself then either.

But that's not who I am now. That's like watching a movie from a hundred years ago. Be like, oh, it's very self-righted. We took her to Texas. How come Uki spooky? Oooko spooky will fucking live and die for me. Yeah. You know, I've had contact with all the Deborah Hubsters,

another fucking savage. I've had contact with all these women, and you fucking sit there and go, what the fuck? So for somebody to say that, you have to know the Comedy Store in 1997. You have to know comedy, and you have to know the inner workings. There's no child molestation in comedy.

You know, I mean, let me take it. how bad society is. What makes you wake up on a Monday morning as a 20 year old girl and go, today's the day I'm going to write that Christa Leia, whatever, sent me a picture or whatever. I don't know what the exact story is. This happened four years ago. Am I sticking up with DeLea? Yes, I am and no I am. If he's a pedophile, you know, whatever, but I know Chris DeLea not to do this. He got a bunch of women. He dated a bunch of women. He dated a bunch of bunch of women. All those letters that came in aren't from 16 year old. They're from jilted women. You know, every time he showed up at the store, he had two bruns with them. I saw it. I saw

them sit next to me in Mitzi's seat. They were all fucking overage women that were able and willing. You know what that means? They were able and winning. A couple of years, weeks ago, Ray Don Chong came out and she said she fucked Mc Jagger when she was 16. She wasn't mad about it. She said, said, I got what was coming to me. I wanted it. You know, half of those girls on that sunset strip, I've never, I've never been involved in a situation like that. I didn't like young girls when I was 18.

When I was 18, I didn't like 18-year-old. They talked too much. That's why when I was 19, I dated a 29-year-old for fucking eight months in Colorado. Everybody else was dating young chicks. Really? They're a 28-year-old. When I was 16, the first girl I ever made out with, man, she was 23. Yeah, I didn't like young girl.

She was a single mom, bro. They talk too much. When you fucked them, they started crying. Oh, the bird you had to walk them home and rub their back. I don't know what to do. I don't want that shit. I don't need that in my life. I got to talk to them now all the time.

Every time the period was late, I got a call, fucking complaining. Fuck that. Older women, give me a woman that's been brokenhearted that's been cheated on. She knows exactly where. Remember, ladies, when you're 21, when you're 18, you have this dream of this man you're going to meet. And then you go out there and you meet a bunch of fucking mutts. And by the time you're 28, you meet a guy that, you know what? You never thought you would marry.

But after what you've been through, he's a nice enough guy, he's got a nice family, and he's got a job, and he's not going to beat you, he's going to be okay. The guy you dreamed about at 18 and the guy you marry at 28 of two different fucking guys. And it's going to be the guy that's closest to what your dad is. You're going to matter without seeing it. You're going to see it years fucking later. I know, man. All young women marry their fucking dads.

Really? People were like, like, mentioned it me like, I would watch movies and I would say like, okay, I think kind of chick I want, eh. Because that's the one you see in a movie, you know, that's the one that Tom Cruise took. Or you want the, I'm not saying for a girl, you know, you want a guy like Tom Cruise. You know, but every once in a while, man, you got to set up for a couple of Luis Guzmanz. Yeah. You got to set up for a couple of Felipe Sparsas. Yeah.

A couple of Bush Escobars. I was my man. I was my man, Butch. You know, Bush is good, bro. He, Bush Escobar put out this awesome tweet, this awesome Facebook post the first time with the pandemic, and he put himself up there, you know,

where he stands in comedy, you know, what this comedy role is going to lead to. You know, what you and I were talking, man, if you were doing concerts before, it ain't going to happen. It ain't going to happen. So he's going to put that, you know,

if you're doing it, if you're doing comedy clubs, headlining, you know, your rooms are going to be smaller. If you were doing one-nighters, what the fuck are you going to be doing? That was pretty much exposed. It's crazy. It's crazy because if you were doing like corporate gigs,

there's no more corporate gigs. Nobody's going to put other corporate people together, everybody that works together in a factory for one comic. I believe. Did you see what happened? College gigs either. After what's going on with all these comics, it's going to be hard.

Hard to book another Comigate in your cottage. Did you see what happened with the Philadelphia Phillies? No. They got people of the Dodgers. No. Did you see what happened in training camp?

Yeah. What happened? In Orlando, right? Wherever they're playing. No, no, no. Major League baseball. Yeah, spring training. Spring training.

But yeah, that's not going to be good either. Well, listen, Felipe, in my heart, I feel a couple things. I feel COVID is real. You know, I hope that it's watered down. So guys, my ear. don't get fucking murdered.

I believe in wearing a mask. I believe in all that stuff. But I also believe in some. I believe that once you put eight people together, something different happens. Oh, yeah. I don't know why. I know four people were in a room

and three of them got it in New York. Michael Yo, Jeffrey Guglion, and Lisa Lampinelli's ex-husband, Frankie Big Balls, whatever's name is. He's a great guy. I just forget his name right off the Peter, big balls, whatever.

So it's proven you can get it in a room like us, but that's why I don't want, that's why in your writer, you have to put down, I only want to deal with one person when you go to Houston and Dallas, okay? You want to deal with one person. The guy that picks you up at the airport, car's got to be sanitized, buy a little light salt can,

so you spray it in his fucking face, so they get the hint. And no more five people knocking on your door. Hey, Felipe, good. to have you here. Hi, Philippe. Oh, my God. We're so happy to have you here.

How has it been? Yeah, well, me and Lisa. Hi, I'm your waitress. Here's your menu. If you need something, let me get it to you. Okay. So what were you saying?

Hi. I'm a young comic, can I do five minutes? I'm Mike the MC. I want to know how much time you were going to do up front. I don't know, about 40, 45. Okay.

Thank you. So what were you saying, Felipe? Hey, my name is Don. I want to know how much, what music you wanted to come up to. That's seven people you already had contact with. So I want to cut that out. They're going to have one COVID. These gets you everything.

You get the menu email to you. You call the improv and say, I want this before the second show, this, this, this. You know, I need for them. Right now, anybody knows. that works in offices. We were talking about it the other day. Did we talk about it here the other night?

You work in an office after a certain amount of floors. They treat it a certain way. So they're telling you to cover your computers and put your paperwork away because now on the guidelines, you have to spray offices with a certain chemical and it's got to be clear for 20 minutes to kill all the air and then.

Comedy clubs got to do that in between shows. You can't have 275 people in there. Put them out and put a fresh 200. 75 people and can't do it you got to see they're not going to come to my shows that's why i'm only going to do single shows at night i'm starting out with single shows we cannot fucking do double shows yeah why i'm an old man i don't wish i don't want to risk my audience and why so i'll just do brayer and i'll start until we figure out what we're doing and then when i come into a comic club i'll tell them the same for the first weekend i just want to do the early show

I'm an old man. I don't want to be responsible for the second show. You want to put the second show in here? They have to do what planes are supposed to do. When you get off a plane, I don't care if I don't care if the flights delay. I want a guy in there with a hazmat suit spraying everything down. It'll make me feel better.

It'll make everybody feel better. I'm not saying I still can't get COVID because one of the guys I'm flying with can have COVID on the plane. But I want to lower my percentages. And this is all you're doing. in this time period is lowering your percentages of getting it. Don't go to a supermarket at three. 200 people already went in there.

Go at eight when it opens. You're the first one in there, breathing. There's not even lines anymore at supermarkets. People running out of money. Yeah. Supermarkets are empty. The days of lines are over with. Food bank lines are getting a food bank line.

Yeah, because there's no money. A big line. A big lines. So, you know, we're going to, going to have a hard time for a while. I don't mean to scare people, but that's why, you know, I understand what's going on out there. I understand the heartbeat of why somebody would look at a tape from 10 years ago and say, oh, I got to put this up today. I'm fighting for what are equal rights. I thought it was Black Lives Matter. We were still talking about Black Lives Matter last weekend.

What happened? How did you switch flavors? So you went after the Leon Monday, somebody else on Tuesday, Oh, Danny Masterson, which he deserved. Yeah. I would throw that fucking Scientologist. I told you the Scientologist. From the 70s show, right? That's why the Scientologists were quiet. Remember I said to you on this podcast three weeks ago?

That's right. I said to you, I said everybody's raised their hand. Except the Scientologist. They're not donating to Black Lives Man. They're not doing nothing. That's why they were quiet because they were ready for their fucking head Martian to get arrested. Danny fucking Martian head, whatever his fucking name is. Danny Masterson.

Danny Masterson. And if you saw our boy, Chris DeLea, my dog, Chris DeLea, got. He stayed trending even after Danny Masterson. Danny Masterson raped three women. Why? Scientologists took that shit down. They made the call. They paid the envelope.

He got out in 30 minutes, Danny Masterson. They put up a 300 and 300,000. They put up, his bail was 3.3 million. They put up $300,000. That's nothing to them. That's somebody's backyard. That's Travolta's backyard. Wow.

Travolta's like, I don't want to put the money out. I've had five horrible movies out in the row. We'll tell them about the masseuse in Europe. I'll be glad to look by the last. That's how Scientologists get you. But I knew the Scientologists have been too quiet for too long. Where's ISIS? ISIS, they're out of the children.

They just fell apart. They're pimping. I just read an article about them. That's on an underage girls in Mexico. Oh. And fucking Cube or something like that. I swear to God. ISIS?

Yeah, they're kidnapping women and selling them. Now is when you destroy America. I said this four weeks ago. They would have showed up at that rally in Hollywood last week in front of a man's Chinese theater. One guy on top of another guy's shoulders with bombs on it. And they both go, jihad with a big trench coat. And they pull the fucking thing.

Hold on one second. It's my man Nick Duturo. on the podcast live with Felipe Espaza and the Christ Killer. What's up? What's up, dog? Nothing. They tried to take me down, but they couldn't. The church family fucking stood up and told them all to suck my dick.

That's how we do it, dog. A bunch of people, some communists. Let me call you when I get out of here. I love you. I'm good. I'm good. They could all suck my dick and call me shorthy. Stay black.

What do you want to do? You want me to roll over? I can't roll over. You know, people got mad at me for fucking putting Ari on. 22 years. You're my brother. You're my brother. It's too late.

We already, it's too late. If you go down, I go down with you. And if I go down, I don't know what you want to do. I'm happy you came on the podcast day because that proves to people how we stand together. We ain't fucking around here. No. I ain't no comic from Signing Out Live that said something. on a podcast four years ago.

You're not going to bully me, dog. Not now. You're not going to bully me. You could have bullied me 15 years ago, but now you're in no danger. We got what's called freedom. I'm going to point in my life where there's nothing to cancel. What are you going to cancel? My phone bill.

What are you going to cancel? Sprint, I've been with them for 16 years. They'll even tell you to go fuck themselves. I'm loyal. 16 years I've been with Sprint. 2000 fucking four. I got the phone service before a Dodger game with my check.

from Spider-Man 2. When I got my check from Spider-Man 2, I got a phone. I went to the fucking place where they give you prime rib in Hollywood. That's well-known. Muso and Franks? Moose-and-Franx. Took my wife. I took two friends.

We ate the pot roast, the thing, with the check. That was the biggest check I ever saw in my life for Spider-Man 2 when I did. It was 14 days. I dipped a ton of fucking prime rib in the... And the horse radish. And then from there, we went up to Dodger Stadium. And I sat there mind of my own business. And there was a father and a son in front of me.

And you know how the seats are staggered? So you don't sit behind somebody. You're staggered. You know what I'm saying? So I'm sitting like this and my legs open. And I feel a little rumbling in my stomach. And I feel that horse radish and that fucking horse meat they sell you at Mousseau and Franks getting all put together. And all sudden, Philippe, I started farting.

But they were perfect. They were ricocheting off the chair. And they were going in between the father and son team, right? And then it would spread like the coronavirus, like a fog. And it would surround their heads. The people I was sitting with couldn't take it. They were covering their faces. This father and son team would just sit there.

And after about three minutes of just... I'm just inhaling this fart. the father and son team would just look at each other and then they would look back at the game Now, by the looks of everything, the kid had a glove. He was one of those idiot kids

that thought he was going to catch a ball, but too bad we're sitting up with the Puerto Ricans fucking fucking Sammy Sosa couldn't hit a ball up there. I'm saying? We're up there where the fucking buses don't run. We went to a Dodger game and was somebody good

and those were the only tickets they had, Felipe, up in the top. So you're in the top thing. You don't catch nothing up there but a color. All you're going to catch is fucking Colvin's cousin. It's full of the top. I don't know if you're back to the top of the

thing of Dodger Stadium. When there's a lot of people and it's hot and again, it's right by 8 o'clock. Just a shit little mosquitoes. Bro, and you got to take the elevator up with 20 people that got COVID, that third floor never again. So what about the all you can eat section?

I don't know nothing about that. I don't send that section. So I don't people take backpacks. I need to take hot dogs. I'm sitting there and I'm blowing every 20 I'm blowing one of these fucking horrible horse rat's spots Are you trying to get rid of them or you just haven't?

No, I'm just having fun at this point And the people I'm with the people behind them The people I'm with the three I was with my wife and two friends And they're like Jesus Christ Joey But the two people in front of me The father in some team Felipe every time they fought it they would tighten up I wouldn't even make it they were silent

They weren't making noises They just stunked horribly. And the wind was blown mildly, so they just surround you. You've even been smoking weed outside, and the smoke goes around you? The fart was going around them, and they couldn't take it no more.

And every time they kept looking at each other, finally their kid's glove went down, and about the six things, I started blasted two an inning. And finally, the farted it something looked at each other, and they just got up and walked away, bro.

They left the game. They couldn't take the You shouldn't get canceled for your farts. Your farts are pretty terrible. Oh, my God. Rodrigo Torres, man. He farted in New York City. But after a show, they went to this club with Louis Guzman and Toby Hicks. And they were just at this nightclub.

And they were a tight little club. And it was hot. And Rodrigo farted loud, but nobody heard it because of bra-p-p-pah. Right? Dude, it smelled so bad. It cleared out the whole club. Talk to fuck. You can hear Puerto Rican go out of conio.

The fucking gold. What a lot is a conio. Bro the fuck. Puro, whirco. The garlic pills I take will put you on a different planet. Listen to me. I had an N95 mask on at the park in the beginning of this with my daughter.

And one day I farted when I was sitting there and I smelt it through the mask. I didn't know if the mask was cheap or if my asshole was that good. You know what I'm saying? Like you're sitting there going, I don't know what's what's, What? I don't know if the mask is a Fugazi or my fucking asshole is that much stronger. I don't even know what we talked about on this podcast. I have no idea. But I've been like, the worst parts are the one where you're like been parted for three nights straight.

You've been wearing the same fucking socks. And I remember coming home. And it was one of those nights that you were just calling me constantly and you know I was fucked up. And I was never turning your call. And then you would leave angry messages encouraging me. you fucking cocksucker you're better at this you know you're gonna be smarter than the white guys

you're gonna be spawning you're in the black guys you gotta stay focused everybody wants to everybody wants to see you go down so man I remember man my stomach was hurting real bad because I ate a fucking burrito at Siette Maris it was like a fucking Alpastor

burrito with a lot of salsa and I went to sleep I drank to horchatas I had nothing in my body but that food I turned on the fan real loud Well real loud real high And I found out of sleep And man

I was farting my sleep But the fan was throwing everything in my face So I was dreaming brother That someone threw me in a septic tank Well I love that Like the stinkier in my farties I love it But whenever Joey farts him I have to puke

His beef is strong I don't fuck around He should be canceled for that far The one he just said, man, for Dodger Stadium. Oh, my God, that was horrible. He should have canceled you from being in the left field pavilion. He's gotten better, too.

Now he angles it. I've always been very good since high school. I know how the bank shot a fart. But I can tell that. Every time he turned to chair, like, 90 degrees of my head. But I've also bent over. I've done the Chinese fart in front of you. I've been fucked over.

I do stretches. I've been fucked up. I do a kidney stretch. I'll do a kidney stretch fart on you. How do you stretch your kidney? Because I got the idea. I learned it from the Chinese. Did you say what time you fucked everybody up

at the YMCA when you were doing Pilates? I fucked people up at the YMCA one time. I fucked people up. The biggest fuck-up I ever had was on a bus in high school on the way back on a basketball game. I blew two, three farts that were the worst things you ever smelt in your life. And when I saw the cheerleaders crying,

was what I knew. I had achieved success. When the cheerleaders, were crying. They're like, please, whoever's doing this stop. This is terrible when I saw those girls crying. And I still remember the girl that was crying at my farts.

And they was Lori Rosa. I think that's her name. She got like a Butch Patrick hairdo. I still remember her and another bunch of Butch Patrick hair. A little white girls crying. I think the proudest thing. I remember seeing me so proud. I made him cheerily just cry.

I would have sex, you know, and I were wired out. And and, you know, you get real nasty, bro, it's dark, and you're doing, like, you're doing bad stuff. And this girl farted in my face when I was down there. But, you know, man, you could either ignore it or keep going, bro. So I ignored it. It would have with my mouth, bro, like my mouth with a bong, bro.

And then later on she looks at me all pissed off. Well, you're mad. And I made a joke about it. I said, because you ate my cheesecake. How do you know, bitch? you know, you farted cheesecake in my mouth. When you, when you, when you're having sex and whatever, you know, I know when I was young, I used to date a girl early on

and she would, she would have pussy fart when you, she, orgasm as whatever they call it. She would fart a little bit. She'd look embarrassed. We only messed around. She was a quiefer like Tiffany Hedish. Yeah. She did on stage, bro. But quiff.

from your women quees from their pussy don't they? Right, yeah. No, this girl farted a little bit because she got over excited and she would tell you,

I'm sorry and you would feel bad like you would like a little cute one that's the first girl I think that's like the second or third girl

they ever messed around with like I ever really messed around with she got over excited and farted I was probably 18, 19 maybe as a fucking the hitstone's

You know what are you going to fucking do? What do you think about tour on Felipe? You think you, what do you want to do? What if they cancel these two Houston tours? Well, if they cancel these two shows, I'm good with that, man. We'll see. But all my shows right now are being pushed to 2021. And I don't have a tour set up or nothing.

I do have a special that's going to come out. I lucked out. I was telling Lee before you got to hear that I got to shoot my special the day after Kobe Brian died. Because he died on Sunday and we shot my special on Monday and Tuesday. Yeah. The 26 and 26 and it was, man, people were still sad at my show that day. And then we don't have rights for memorabilia. So we had to tell some people at the door you can't wear the Laker jersey.

Because it can't be on screen. I know he died. And then we had to go to his car and put on another shirt. We shot too special. The first one was in English, and the second one was in Spanish. You were the first comedian on Netflix to shoot a Spanish special. Congratulations, the president. Yeah, man.

And where was this at? We shot it at the, I don't know, the old galaxy theater. Okay. I think it's called something else right now. It's called the Science Center. Where is this called? The observatory? I don't know.

In orange, right? Yeah. That was the old galaxy that we used to do comedy at. For Clyde. Was this the place where they used to serve food? Yeah. Like it was a dinner theater. It was the same guy named Clyde.

He will book the Galaxy Theater and he will book the Coach House in San Juan Capistrano and Santa Barbara. The Galaxy was by the Irvine Impro. Yeah. around that neighborhood. Santa Ana. Santa Ana. And it was... It's called the Observatory Nell.

And it used to be like... This is 97. Yeah, man. This is 97. 98 we're talking about. 100 bucks. A hundred bucks. Thursday night.

There was like a piano guy. There was like a comedian. The green room. And I remember that I did comedy with a guy that was one of the most interesting comics I ever seen. Somebody told me that when I...

Before I went down there, somebody called me and they said, the guy you're working with tonight was going to be a star but the angles didn't adjust right and he never became a star there wasn't as many options as they are today and when I worked at this guy

I forget what his name is I forget whatever happened to him he blew me away like that was the first guy I was already in L.A. I was already watching Wendy Lehman and Irvine? Yeah at that you're talking about Jeff Jenna? No this was at that

particular era, the galaxy. The first time I ever played the galaxy, I worked with a comic that had been a legend. He just didn't do TV. He didn't break through. No drug habit, no nothing. He was like a family guy, and at the end he played the guitar, and he got a standing ovation,

and I opened for him. And I remember somebody called me and said, you're opening up for such and such tonight. He's an old time. He's been around a long time with Kennison and those guys. But he always kept it low key. His wife was something big, so he didn't want to travel. But wait till you see him. He's one of those type of killers.

So I remember I was driving to St. Anna, and it's the 405. 22. So it's the 405 South. Yeah, 405 South. Okay. I was not good friends with him yet. Me and him had exchanged helloes for about six months. He had acknowledged me a few times or whatever.

And one night, you have to go to 101 north to the 405 South. And I got on the 101 north. I was living in Hollywood. And I'm on the car. I'm on the 101 north. And I pull it up with a bumper. And who do I pull up next to it? We were not good friends at this time at all.

And I just happened to look to my left. And it was Joe Rogan and his supra. Oh, damn. And he was coming from taping news radio, rehearsing for news radio on Thursday night. And I'll never forget that I pulled up and I looked and it was Joe and I beeped the horn. I thought he was going to ignore me. And he lowered his window. He goes, what's up, bro?

Where are you headed? And I go, the Galaxy, Deeter, to do comedy. He goes, where's that? And I go, I don't know. That's when you had the book. Yeah, the Thomas guy. The Thomas guy. I go, I don't know.

I'm going to this gig. He had the super. with the red rims. He was already fucking killing it. Young, tons of hair. And he goes, will you be at the store tonight? And I go, yeah, I'm going to go down there and then come back and go to the store.

And he goes, wow, you're going to do two spots tonight? You're driving an hour each way? And I go, yeah, it ain't shit. We were just talking bumper to bumper. And when I raised my window, that's the first time I think he realized that I was serious about what I was doing. And after that, we became friendly.

That was the first real. We were friends from the store. Like, hey, how are you doing? Good to see you. I didn't know what news radio was, and I was too scared to ask anybody because I thought they'd think I was a retard. When I met Joe,

I thought Joe worked on a show that did the news on the radio. Please don't ever repeat that to nobody. I thought Joe Rogan was like, Joe, what do you have to say? Well, it's going to be sunny out there today with a touch of haze, and that's what I thought Joe did.

So I didn't really know. And then maybe two weeks after that, I go, hey, bro, do you mind if I come to a taping of one of your shows? And he's like, yeah, call this number. And I call that number and let the message. And he called me right back. And he goes, I left you a ticket to go see me. And I went down there and I sent the audience, like everybody else and I watched. And I was blown away.

It's always cool, man, when you meet a cool dude, you know, a cool cop. Like that meeting with Joe Rogan and he don't know him that well and he and then he just saw Joey's drive I remember man when I was at the laugh factory I had just got off the stage and um Sean Wayans the one of the Wayan brother he just tapped me The whole family is beautiful bro every time the way and see each other They always give each other a hug and a kiss like a brother like real brothers You don't see that too much, you know? So I said he said what you're you're funny

What's your name? I said, Felipe. And I said, what else do you do? I just do this. I'm trying to get, like, writing jobs. I lie, dog. I just, I'm trying to get writing jobs. And then he goes, all right.

My brother has the show at night, the Kenan and Every Wain show. You want to write? He goes, hook you up. And I said, sure. So here's my number. I give him my number. On Monday morning, somebody told me, somebody called me up.

Hey, Felipe Esparsa, you're going to be writing jokes. I want you to submit at least 25 jokes and fax them to me. You have a fax machine, and I lied again. I said, yeah. Bro, I went to go look for a fax machine with Joy Medina and it's Sears, bro.

An old one. And I found it. And I fucking, I got a word processor, a cheap one too. And they would call me every day. and I would write jokes every day, 25 and fax them. And I thought that the coolest thing. I only sold one.

I never got paid, though. But that was cool, man. I mean, that meeting right there was Joe. He, man, he hooked you up like that. And then I never forget that, Sean. It just hooked it up like that. The Wayans have always, let's get something straight. They're the best people around.

Let me get some straight here. I don't know what that names. Martin, Sean, Keenan, and the younger ones. I know. the one from the did the more with Bruce Willis. That's my, that sounds. Damon Wayans. Damon Wayans.

A nice guy. Damon Wayans is, you know, I'm going to reach out to him. You know what I reached out to guys, Pete Rose. No way. Yeah, he lives in Studio City. Pete Rose on a, yeah. On the Reds? Yeah, that's my man.

It's time for him to go into the home of fame. He brought the record of home. He'll hits, 4992 from Ty Cobb. No, but people just don't. don't get it no more. We talked about it the next day it was trending because they're talking about how they, the Houston people or the people from the Yankees

and Boston, whatever, Cora, I don't know. And I was like, I was just talking about this with Lee. So I went to Pete Rose's page and it's like for information and how to contact Pete. So I sent an email and see what happens. I'll send another one next week. What were you saying? I'm sorry. The Wayans.

The Wayans. The Wayans. The Way and brothers, you know, the two oldest ones, the one who had a living color gave me some tips one night they were very encouraging to me at the comedy store when it was a dark place and I was in a bad

time they were the ones that were like bro that joke is fucking solid dog the way you went up there dancing you had me cracker you know that was Damon right Damon those are the ones that were really they would go up to the hang out with Paul

yeah they would go up to be with Paul Mooney at night so we had that and Keenan kept coming. Keenan wasn't, listen, bro, all right guys, when you get into comedy, the good thing about comedy is you're always going to end up somewhere. You might not end up a comic because you, like right now, I'm trying to write a book, but I've had a hard time putting my thoughts onto that paper, and that's okay. You can't be good at everything. I don't know how to change oil on the car either, okay, but from comedy, you're going to learn where you want to go. Phil, Phil,

Jackson was not the best basketball player of all time. Nope. But he learned how to be a good coach. So Keenan would struggle on stage. You know, he would just go up there. You know, he's a funny mind. It's like if David Chase went on stage. He can't fucking do what he does on the Soprano's

and transfer it to stand up. He knows how to transfer it to a scene. He sees the big picture. Some people see the big picture. With Keenan, you could tell he saw the big picture. He didn't see joking. poos weren't his forte. He would usually come down with Damon.

And Robert Thompson, I think, too. And Robert, they would meet down. They're friends. This is 97, 98. They were tossing at that big trancheco with a hat. And then, there he goes, pavilion. There you go.

You want to talk about farts? I'll give you a farts, God's second. So, uh, a little backup. There's always a tremor. One day you're going to fall out of your chair. There's always a tremor.

Joe, Dyer Farts. That we tell him, shut up. He's just the last one. So it's funny that Damon would go up, Keenan would go up and then Damon. And what happened was Keenan went up one night at the store.

This is when we used to get 18 people. So you had to have four people to have a show. If you went up there and bombed at 10.30, people are going to walk. We're going to lose people. So the guys that would go up at 12. would be in the back cheering for you. Don't bomb because...

Bro, it was like... If you fucking walk them, we're gonna fucking leave. That's how bad it was. It's like a passing the baton, bro. We needed that $15 fucking dollars. Please don't walk people. So we would go up there and watch you and bulldog you.

If you went up there instead of bad joke, we would fucking... Like, what the fuck, bitch? You're going to walk these people. So what happened was this kept happening. People were going up. up there and bombing and me and a handful of other guys couldn't go

up on a Wednesday night because you went up there with your stupid fucking magician jokes and everybody fucking walked so one night Keenan went up there and he wasn't having a good night there's eight people and Keenan goes up and he's not having the best night

of his life. Damon was on after him okay and we were back there cheering for Keenan and he's not going in the direction we won't on him to, and all of a sudden you see two people order a tab. They go, tab, please. And I'm, like, losing my mind.

And I would never disrespect. Never would I disrespect another comic on stage. One of my friends, Thomas Ward, remember Thomas Ward? My brother from Detroit, Detroit, him, the other brother, they're all killers from Detroit. Thomas Ward got up and yelled, yo, you way funny. for get off the fucking stage so us other young brothers could get stage time

and he meant it like, come on man, you bump us and then you're not funny. Thomas fucking Ward took it seriously. Like I remember calling Thomas next thing going to what happened to you last night? He's like, man, how's a brother going to take stage time from a fucking brother?

You know what I'm saying? I'm trying to make my little 15 motherfucking dollars and they got to come in there for they ain't him and said he fucking ripping. We had had it by that time. because the lake grew was getting tortured. Right. You already knew of you were going up at midnight that Paul Mooney was coming.

Bro, you would see a night where Paul Mooney did two hours, Eddie Griffin did three, and then the dice man closed it out with two and a half. Eddie Griffin would go up at 9.15 and get off at 11.30. When they'd give him the light and tell him Paul was there, they'd send him a note. And then he, Paul, would go up there and do a nine and a half. And Andrew would come in with his cousin.

and we just sit there all night. We had a spot. But I, no, but see, what do I tell people when this happened? Don't worry about unemployment. Go get your cash at the supermarket. Go stock shells. Me and Felipe never had that problem. Because Felipe turned me on to all his buddy's rooms.

That paid 50 bucks. That paid 50 bucks. 50 bucks. 50 bucks, 50 bucks. That shit adds up, bitch. Yeah. Cream burritos. Fuck. And on the way...

You have Ralphie going out of there too. Ralphie, too. And on the way home, King Taco. That's what you guys didn't know, that you fed me. But on the way home, I made to stop a King Taco and took some home. After the Coke wore off, you know what I'm saying? You know when the Coke is going down? You just got to stuff your face, even though you don't like it.

At the end of your Coke, Lee, to really kill your Coke, you got to eat something. But Lee, you don't want to eat nothing. I mean, they could bring you the best steak from the world, and, you know, like, I don't want to eat it. You got to force yourself to eat it if you fall asleep. Oh, God. So I would take home that food from taco, King Taco, which Mexicans would tell me don't go there. But to me, they made a chorizo, papa burrito.

It's potato and chorizo, smothered in green sauce. With cheese. I would take that motherfucker home. I remember putting the brakes on the car. You ever see your burrito fly off? I held down to that burrito like a three-year-old child. Doug. I mean it on the floor.

My arm was on the fucking like that thing like a fucking. Did you ever get a little a champorado thing like a little hot drink? They got something over there, bro. Yeah. They got good shit over in King Taco. That salsa is legendary. They got a security guard there. Oh shit.

That motherfucker is like a fucking cicario, bro. He has pistols, machete. Dog, he's got everything. Mace, handcuffs, a riot helmet. He knows what type of clientele shows up there. He's an expert of rally from Tijuana. Yeah, no, no. Tremendous.

I love that. He's 70 years old. He falls, we all die. You know what, man? I hope that since a lot of people can't travel or don't want to travel, I hope that that Mexican scene comes back. I hope that the Spanish, the young Spanish dudes start putting those rooms together. I miss them. I'm not going to lie to it.

But I also don't want to go get ripped off either. I know that they'll advertise Joey Dears, charge $20 and then try to get. give me $50. And you get there. And you get to the Alcapulco restaurant in Downey and Joe Diaz ain't there. Yeah, but now I got to show up. Remember those days, I didn't know if I was going to show up. If somebody paid me $80 before and you had a $50 set of $10, and I didn't have a set at the store,

I already had $80. You know what I'm saying? That's a good number. 80, that's $60 for a gram, $10 for two packs of cigarettes, and the other $10 for breakfast. You know what I'm saying? 80 was the magic number. So if I were at 80... Or it was in a while I'd be too

too crazy and shit. Joey here's $200. Keep it. Or I think we'll use it all our drugs. I had no choice. That's the only way can stop. One of the night. Philippa, you have broken stocks on and I'm going to make believe I didn't see those. I have a plantar fasciitis.

Mexicans don't work. Or you have plantar fasciitis. What's that? The heel of my foot. Okay, you have brisitis. Something at that, yeah. And then my heel was hurting. Like, I have nails when I got off to bed.

Oh, my God. When you go pee in the morning? Yeah. In the morning? So you got to stay on your feet when you have that shit. Because as soon as you sit down. As soon as you sit down and you get up, you want to shoot yourself. At three in the morning.

I got that from wearing fucking Meringue shoes. When you wear fucking Spanish shoes. When you were Spanish kids. Those fucking little fag shoes, your mom makes you wear. I had those little fash shoes. I'm not going to lie to you. Why didn't you, when are you wearing those shoes? Because they have no support.

Yeah, you're flat foot? No, I'm like half a flat foot, about that plancha. Yeah. I'm like half a flat foot. But I had that from when I went to prison. I used to run. Yeah, flat-ass shoes. And it was dirt.

And it was fine. But once I got the boulder, I ran the trail, the river trail. And that's concrete. And I developed that thing. And then I was a car salesman. So I would wear those Italian shoes. Those Italian shoes are great. You can't be on them on your feet all day.

They ain't jelly. They're good for a fucking First Communion. Right. You know, and the dinner, they ain't good to be on your feet for 10 hours. So I got that plancy. Follow the fucking pain, man. Did you get the inserts? I got the inserts.

We're all the best. Did they shoot you? I went to, I went to Rite Aid. and there's a foot machine right there like an electric one where that measures you so I got it I didn't give a fuck but I got an actually barefoot

and I measured my foot and my soul and then right away it told me what kind of what kind of soul to get and I got it and I've been putting that in my shoe let me tell you man immediately it started going away it's completely different because my

or out before I would just man would tell you I was standing on top of a golf ball for a while for that pain could go away and it was man it's going away man did you get the needle hell no

okay they give you they give you a needle my brother-in-law they do two options my brother-in-law Lisa's brother he got two um they're called

um a couple of a couple of coral zone shot he got two coronzo shots that's not good for your foot is that what you get I got one in the left foot and then I stop with the cortisol shots

I figured out that it's funny man when you when you're when I'm When I finally found out what I really had, plantar fasciitis, and you talk about it, I was talking about my podcast. And right away, a lot of my listeners said, I have it too. And they hooked me up with a bunch of different places,

a couple of YouTube pages for stretches. The footstore. Yeah. That's what they're doing. You know, your feet hurt. Let me tell you, those shoes you wear new balances. The white ones are perfect. These Adidas I wear, they'll kill my feet.

I love them. They're for stage. they're not to walk around they're not to walk around if I wear them a lot I'm done I gotta wear the new balance that's an old man sneaker the new balance with the extra support

when I went to Columbus the Columbus Funnybone they have a new balance store right across the street from the hotel well on that strip it's new balance is first that it's a California what is it the cheesecake factory it's on the same strip and one day I walked into that new balance

and that dude he banged me out for $350 but the shit he gave me for my feet they never hurt again so when I fly I wear the new balances with sweatpants it's got the inserts already in them I could walk 20 miles like Jesus

nothing nothing you know what I'm saying you know but now my knees hurt a little bit it's not the same now I'm a little older you know now I don't know what the fuck's gonna happen so I don't really want to push it with the walking. Sometimes I walk the next day my heel feels good. Sometimes

I walk a lot and my heel doesn't feel good. So fuck I just left it alone. I rather ride my bike anyway. I didn't know what was going on. I would get up to go Pia on the road and I'm like and I didn't know Lee right and I'm walking hitting the hard floor in the bathroom and I feel like I feel like I'm walking on top of golf balls.

Yeah, you have no idea. You have no idea. No, actually no marbles. The first time I went, the doctor would He shot me in the foot, and I sat there for like six hours until my color came back. The pain of that needle, because it goes into the ball. They have to shrink that ball. So it's a little ball. It's called a bursar.

It's a little ball. Full of calcium, right? Full of calcium. Yeah, that build up. It's a fucking, I don't know what it's filled. We filled with shit that I don't fucking know. I just know it hurts the fuck out of your feet, man. What would you do to adjust?

You know, anything? Are you happy? Are you okay with this? With my plan to or with the pandemic? No, no, no. I'm talking about just what's going on with life right now. Oh, what I've been doing to adjust, man? Did you, have you accepted it?

That they might not be a road to 2020? Oh, I accept that, man. They're going to be nothing. I know that I'm not going to be touring 300 seaters anymore this year or more than that for a while. I don't think, I don't know, man. Like at first I joked around about it You know like I'm not gonna I'm not gonna go out on the road So I start seeing more white shit opening up like

You know like crochet class You know Or MegaCon or Comic Con conventions And when the like are we gonna have another comic con? I don't think conventions are done They're done. Cons are done remember George Or I think about the Ontario Improv You know whenever you were sell at a show

That how hot that hallway is where people are waiting for the next show to come in. That's what I'm saying. You got to figure those things out. There's no ventilation there. There's no ventilation there. They have to really, I don't want to go to a show and have somebody hit me up and say they caught COVID.

I wouldn't, listen, all the bad things I've done, that I would feel bad about. That I would feel bad about that somebody came to a show that listens to the podcast that knows we take this shit responsibly. If you don't feel good, stay home. I'd rather you stay home and tell me you have COVID I'll fucking send you a video That's funny you say that because

You know I'll fucking make you a video I'll fucking Of me whacking off with my drums My balls of the hammer I'll do anything for you But I'd rather do that Then you come in and infest A hundred people at a show that I'm throwing

How many sick people have you seen At your show before though I've seen a lot of sick people at my show I've seen people in the coffins And the coffin Wheelchairs don't bother me I mean, that's just, I love all those. I have nothing against that.

It's the people who come in and they're sick. You know, we talk about the flu. The flu is a thing that could be cured. But here's the problem with the flu. It doesn't really affect all of us the same way. The same way COVID does. The flu hits you for one or two days, and guess what, Lee? I'm sorry to tell you, you got bills to pay.

You're an American. You got bills to pay. So you want me to stay home all week because I have the flu. For an American, if we could walk around and talk on the phone, we're good enough to go to work. So we go to work, we still have the germs in us, and the whole office gets sick. We're doing the right thing as Americans and stuff like that,

but as humans, we're getting other people sick, whether it's the flu or whatever the fuck it is. So that's the problem you have. I don't really, really, from what I'm saying, it doesn't take a genius. I hope nobody's feelings get hurt, but I'm not seeing people being careful. I'm not seeing it.

You cannot be in a bar and social distance, Felipe. Me and you could start here. Hey, how you doing, Felipe? Good. Unemployment hasn't come this week. Really? But after we have three drinks, we're going to get closer and closer and closer.

Start hugging people again? How much hugs? Hugging people again and the music. So this is what doesn't sit well with me. I don't ever want to be. somebody to come to an improv show or any other club, whether it's Zadies and Nashville, whether it's a stress factory in New Jersey,

and for them to say, bro, you know. But then this is what people don't understand. Right now, there's two words that people don't want to get through their head, and it's pay, cut. Pay, cut. Pay, cut. Give me the option. I know your room.

I'm not going to mention the name of a club. I know your room, Felipe, and I know how it sits. We're not putting all 300 people in there for my week. Yeah, Joey, but I need to pay bills. It's 200. Why? Because I don't care about the fucking extra hundred money. I don't want nobody to get sick.

I know your room. You put people on top of people in your fucking room. You bring it to chairs behind my back. How many clothes have you gone to? They put people on top of people. A lot. A lot. And they don't give a fuck about the people.

I went to a certain club. I'm not going to say the name. He had people standing up. Did I get mad at him? Yeah, because I'm not getting paid on those tickets. He's selling those against my fucking will. But if people are going to be that stupid to stand, then you, you know. So this is the things I'm avoiding.

I don't want somebody to get sick on my show. You know what I'm saying? I'm not going to go see nobody until we know what's going on here. You know, we've got to build our immune systems, believe. If now we're going to die. So this is something that you do little by little. How the fuck are you going to be around? me, how the fuck are you going to be around Lisa, Silent Bob, Rizzo, and Rocky, and Wolfie for six months,

and all someone put you out, about 275, 550 people a night with different immune systems. That might get you sick right there because we haven't been around big crowds. We're comedians. I know for a fact a lot of comedians didn't get COVID. You know why? Because if you travel a lot, you have a tremendous immune system. If you're on a plane, three quarters of a year, your immune system is already up. I know people who fly one time a year and they get sick.

So that tells me my immune system is up there already. But we've got to rebuild it now. Yeah, we've been keeping it alive. We exercise. We take vitamin D. We do all that shit. But have you really built up your immune system? That's why we have to start from scratch.

I can't be in an office for 50. people. Somebody's going to get COVID. That's what happened with baseball. That's what happened with the Philadelphia Phillies this week. You put 22 people together. Eight people going to get it. We're not even ready. That's why it's got to be in small

amounts. Small amounts. Sure the hospital is a full. They got hurt immunity the last week or whatever the fuck they got and all those protests. Who gives a fuck? I'm here for my brother Felipe. I'm here for my brother Felipe. I can't call it done one. I don't know, man.

They tried to cancel. They should cancel COVID. I agree. They should cancel everything. I know, man. My last show I did, though. I was in Washington. My last show was in Yakima.

And, you know, they had the biggest, the biggest outbreak. The big outbreak was in Kirkland, which is the Tri-City. And some people actually drove from Kirkland to my show from Richland, all that area. Yakima is the Palm Springs

of Washington that's my call Yakama Washington shout out is where out lay Cholos go to retire and

man it was so great show it was like 1,200 people but that was my last show and I tell Rodrigo we didn't catch it then we're good bro because we were in Washington

and we flew back in a little tiny plane but I haven't flown since and I was, I'm gonna lie the first couple of three days. I was scared. I had to cancel my post Malone show with Lisa.

I was gonna take her to T-Pos Malone for her birthday and we canceled that. We didn't go to Vegas. And I still been taking my acting class on Zoom so that's so good, dog. You've been taking care of you, the fucking important shit. Yeah, man.

Working out, drinking water. I was trying to be like Lee. This was a time. This was a good time to reflect. But you know, one thing I've noticed about everybody, I don't know how they're in most of America, but I'm just going to talk about my neighborhood. I walk my dog every day at 7 in the morning.

I walk them every day at 6 p.m. My neighbor is a ghost town, bro. There's no one that's outside. I mean, it's a fucking ghost town. When we walk alone, nobody, I never see anybody. I never see no one. But there's houses all around me.

since the pandemic, I've seen fathers and daughters riding bikes together. I've seen moms walking with their dog and their son. I've seen more family time together. I think when these kids, little around think about it, what they're going to miss most about this time is all that closeness you have with your family. Because I'm pretty sure there's a lot of domestic violence too, but a lot of people, like you got to know your father for the first time.

time you got to see your father at home, you know. My father was always at work. I never got to see my dad. I mean, I'm pretty sure, like, a lot of people are getting to know their father. I'm pretty sure it's tough with a lot of dads out there. They got to raise their kids finally. Yes. A lot of parents had to raise their kids because the nannies wouldn't come in.

Listen, for me, like I've repeated this, I can't say it enough. We've gotten tighter over there. we celebrate our 20th year anniversary July 1st and we've been we can't wait we can't fucking believe it that we've been together for 20 years so we've been getting tighter over there it's a different type of tight when you have a cat the first three years you're like fuck this cat has been great this cat's a lot of fun but once you have a cat seven eight years it becomes something else he knows when you're having a bad day he knows when you need them I had a cat that knew when I was going to pass out

and he'd jump on me and claw me so I would focus on the claws and I wouldn't pass out. You know, it's the same thing with women. You know, it's the same thing with friends. We've been around each other, though, you know, I've been sitting here with you for an hour and I've had, you know,

five people have called from Maj Gibrani to, you know, just checking up on me, you know. We have friends, we have family, so it makes this a lot easy. I've tried to be leaves, family during this, you know, Steve Simone, I look after all the single guys, you know, you have to call the single guy. Yeah, I check up on

this old comic that I work with up north, he lives by himself, he's been doing stand-ups since 1970-something, very funny guy. Larry Bubbles Brown. Okay, ma' yeah, yeah, yeah. Ma! As do with this, fuck it, hilarious, bro. And then there's another older

guy named, um, I know a lot of older comic, I check up I don't know, you know. When is your special coming out? I think it's going to might probably come out in the fall. Okay. We don't know. We don't have a date.

Are both them coming out together? Yes, together. So it's going to be like guns and roses. Guns and roses. Said your illusion one and two. Really? It's going to be like that, Felipe's part. Both of them are coming on the same thing.

Yeah, but they're going to be separated. Like, they're going to be together in one special. One will be English. One will be Spanish. That's fucking phenomenal. You know what, man. And I work hard, man. I know you do.

I did a couple of Spanish. shows at the comedy store. You're going to Tijuana for a while. Yeah, I was going to Tijuana, Mexico once a month for a year with Rodrigo and March and Rizzo. When you went and did the special, were there a lot of white people in your audience? Yes. We're at the Spanish special?

They showed up and they left. They don't know who'd be in Spanish. See, that's what I was scared of with the Spanish shows. People didn't see that. But in the beginning, people didn't know. it was going to be in Spanish, so they would show up. So what I did was,

I found out at the Comedy Palace. You ever been there? Yeah, San Diego. Yeah. That's another place. I used to go there to eat. That place paid $200, $150, and it fed you gyros.

That was the first time I ever had a gyro, bro. I ever had goat meat. That's right. Yeah, man. Then when I did it, they used to put out a cup. It was called the Greek Palace The Greek Palace

And then the kid took it old Yeah And then they still sold gyros But they would pay you from the bucket And you have to stay outside After the show and stand there I had already done the longest yard But I needed the money for cocaine

So I would They offer me a gig and I gave me like a sort of a guarantee But if we make more I'll give you more and I did good But I remember that was the hardest money I ever took Money out of a bucket that people put in a bucket. That's hard money to take.

That's embarrassment money. But the addiction made me take it. That's the last time I... Then the guy that used to run, it got a TV show, and he got some reality show, and he fucking reached out to me like three years ago. I like you to come to audition for it. Go fuck yourself.

I know you're 20 years. Go fuck your mother. I'm going to come audition. You give it to me an item. It was some stupid fucking reality show. What the fuck knows? Felipe, we've done a lot of gigs together, brother. Shit load, man.

God damn, Felipe. You reached right out to me when I came. We gravitated right to one another. Fucking Willie used to get pissed. And we were you sick, bro. We made it out of the Lafactory. The Lafactory on Monday night. I still think about Maryland.

I still think about all those times. I tell him, I tell Lee constantly to hit those guys up. That's where you learn to do comedy in this town. It's not in the open mics. it's not in the comedy clubs it's at those fucking Orange County sandwich shops that's where you learn

to do comedy that's George Perez sandwich shop that was tremendous George Perez had a great shop listen Sebastian Satina ran some great rooms Acapulco rooms Ocapooko Rooms Casa Latina

Acacuco the restaurant The restaurant chains You know how many fucking That one on sunset That's the one now What's the name of it now? The Sunset Room. Sycamore Tavern was the original Acapulco.

Oh, that's right, right there on Sunset. Dude, when I first started doing comedy, come on. I want a contest there. Yeah. I brought all my friends from the projects, bro. And then they had one in Silver Lake. Wednesday nights.

So if you stayed on sunset and you go. Forget about that. Towards the fucking Scientology building. Right. Then you make that, you see the movie theater on the corner? Right. And you make that. left in that right into Silver Lake, 50 yards.

That was an Alcapulco. Damn. So we used to hit the all you could eat. All you could eat lunch. Good ass food, dog. Stop a dog. All you could eat lunch and cheese enchiladas. We went there with the Mexican rice and the soup and shit with the chips and the all you can drink ice tea.

We went to after a murder funeral. That's the first place I ate dinner in when I moved from Seattle. Me and the girl stopped there with the trailer on sunset. And then we went to Fairfaxon. We took a shower in the fucking trailer And we ended up going to the comedy store Then back to Doug Stanholm's house And we parked in front of Doug Stanhope's house

With the trailer That's the first dinner I had in L.A. When I came at L.A., January 27, 1997, I pulled up at 7 o'clock. We made it through Rush Owl. We exited Hollywood on Highland And we said, where's the comedy store? That was it.

Where's the comedy store? She looked it up in the Thomas Guide. We went there. We said the comedy store is still not open until 8 o'clock. We said, fuck it. Let's go to Alcapulco. And we took showers. There was a shower that spit out like three pounds per minute.

It was garbage. It was like a drain. In the coming store? No, in the fucking RV we had. Oh. When I drove from L.A., we drove from Seattle. I drove in an R.O.V. With a car behind us.

And the fucking shower, you had to fill it up with a hose, the thing, and then they were filled up, And then you had like three minutes to take a shower with medium water spitting at you. And we took a shower and went over to the comedy store. As soon as I walked in, I saw Eddie Griffin and the black guy from the Black Dragon, you know, the guy that played Tumach, the star of that.

I went inside. I went on stage. Who was on stage? Don Barris, running the open mic. And then I went outside and I saw Wheels Perisi. And I remember him opening up for Andrew Dice, and I almost lost my fucking mind. Will Parishi.

So just think about that guy. I opened for Will Perichies in Consul Bluff, Iowa. Remember that casino gig? Yes. And, man, wheels has game, bro. For a big guy? I've heard of him. I've never met him.

He loves Asian women. And he hooked up with a front desk chick, bro. He told him he was in a sopranos. Oh, yeah. Oh, dog. If you let that boy tell you He'll go

Let me get the lighter If you let that boy tell you a story I remember one that he has Will tell us good stories though Bro, he'll tell you he was in good fellas What scene were you in? You know, the one with the When he occurred though, you know

He wasn't even in the fucking neighborhood When they were yellow jackets, you know He says he was on letterman They threatened him to find the tape It's out there It's out there Those are the best times in my life having conversation with him

because we would just... Yeah, part of pub culture. Aren't you in for Goodfellas? I'm in Goodfathers? He's in The Godfather. He's in Goodfellers. He was at the wedding scene and Godfather. He's got more stories than the book. He's been in more movies.

Just nobody has seen his roles. They just skip over him in movies. I've never seen anything like that in my life. I'm happy you came in for a nice little Monday chat. You made me feel good. I felt a little bots, especially after the rough weekend with these people and stuff like this.

Listen at this point, I don't give a fuck about what happens. We still run the podcast. We still do our game. We got the church, Brian. That's all you need. And I'll be back on the road. I didn't know anything about fucking movies or film. If I offended anybody from the Sopranos, I'm sorry, if they don't want to use me or whatever.

And if I offended, you know, anybody else, whatever. What can I tell you? This is what we do here. When you watch a movie from the 70s, you know why they're so good? Because they disturbed you. The Exorcist disturbed you. Yeah, man. The Godfather disturbed you.

The fucking, uh, the getaway. When Steve McQueen beats on his wife, it disturbed you. All these things disturbed you, but it took you somewhere. It opened up a different door in your mind. When I come here and I fucking spew my shit. A horror, you bro, so speedier. Yeah. When I come here and spew my shit, I'm not spewing hate or anything.

I'm spewing my life. And the mistakes I made so you guys know what direction you could take your life. I mean, look at, uh, look at, uh, look at, Animal House. They had a girl They were making out. She ended up being in high school. Like, in a different time, that story you told that got you in trouble could be like the opening scenes of your movie

and people love it. What are you going to do? You know what are you going to do, man? You're not going to please everybody all the time. But you know what? You could be yourself. You want to penalize him for me being me? Go ahead. I don't give a fuck. You're not going nowhere. These people aren't buying it, neither are me. So, it's

over. You know why? Because we can't. I don't give a fuck. You can't intimidate me. Now, now, I did my time. I did my time, and I'm going to get what I got when I get. Right? That's least isn't good fellas. I did my time. I got mouse to feed. I did my, I did what I was supposed to do for this country. I was a felon. I did my time. I came out and I took my life in a different direction. Did I make mistakes along that way? Yes, I did, but I still got to where I'm going. And the message is still loud and clear. I don't give a fuck if you think you're retarded. You could do what the fuck we're doing. We're no geniuses. These actors you see, they're no geniuses. They're insecure retards just like me. I'm an insecure retard.

But we put something together. So if I could do it with no family, no mother, no father, no education, can you imagine what these people could do with everything they got? We don't have what most people have. So if we could do it, you got to go for it. We're both fucking hands. Listen, man, a lot of people say, oh, so I'm going to use drugs.

I'm going to do all this to make it. You're lucky, bro. You don't have to go to none of that shit. You have to go to none of that. He's telling you these things, so you won't go through that. So fuck you. But if you want to do it, that's up to you, cock sucker. Fuck.

What's your next day? Promote your day. I'm going to be July 3rd, 4th, and 5th, San Antonio, Texas. July 16, 17, 18, Houston, Improv. Over there with what's his name, the same people there. Houston Impro, man. Oh, man.

If they were to have seen the shit, we did at the last stop. They were to pull us in jail, though. They would put us in jail. That was one of the best owners, though, man. Pete was a real nice guy. I love Pete. And Pete brought that young kid who didn't speak no Spanish. And by the time they closed, he spoke better English than most people.

David? David. I still miss David. I lost his number somewhere along the line we got disconnected. Remember his cousin with a horrible weed? His cousin had had good Coke. He had horrible weed, but that motherfucker had that cartel

Coke. That should make you eat it. That did that, no. That dude always had an eight ball for him. As soon as I landed, all I had to do is get to the... I would call him the night before. You know, I'm coming to Houston tomorrow. Dog, it's in my draw. What's in your draw? The package.

It's already in your drawer. Just have the cash ready. Boom. I would get to the hotel, call the club, tell the owner to have the draw ready for me. I'm going to need it because I got to buy sneakers. There was no sneakers. I was buying the fucking biggest rocker coke there was in Houston at that night. So we lived a long life, Philippe, and we're still here to tell the stories. We're still touring.

There's guys that have come and gone that we're fucking going to take over the world. The world, they tell they're fucking lost. Lost. So thank you for coming here. on a Monday morning podcast. Don't forget to listen to Felipe's podcast. The What's our full podcast?

That's right. I wore the sweatshirt on stage. Watch me on Hentified on Netflix. Really? I'm on a, I'm on a, I'm on, I have a Korean role on a show on Netflix on Hentified. Hentified? I play a guy named Crazy Dave.

And we just got asked to do a season two. You're fucking beautiful, brother. This is what I'm talking about. Do you remember I was asking Rodriguez? Remember we used to do acting classes and my back. My back door. There you go, people. There you go, people.

There you go, people. And Joe D.O.D. and Rodrigo. When you really want to do it, you fucking do it. We didn't have money for an acting class. So we were doing the scenes from Donnie, no. Donny Brasco. Donny Brasco. The scene where his son is in the hospital for heroin overdose and we were doing the scene.

Oh, shit. Yeah. And then you were trying to be like, it was a scene. where, so you want to do smack him in the face. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then he respond was, I got blisters. Or I got my knuckles. I have calluses or something like that.

We did that scene and we also did the scene from Carlito's way. Yeah. When he goes to visit the guy in jail, I got the holes dug, I got the lime ready, I got the shovels. All I need is the fucking word and you go in that fucking hole. You understand me? But Mr. Whatever, I never stole your money. Shut the fuck up. I do a little, I do a lot of business with Jews, but I never liked you, sorry,

Kleinfeld. Clinfeld, Kleinfeld. And we always talk up, that's how, that, that, I remember that day when we were doing that scene, we got high and we ended up talking about how badass that one white actor came in playing that Puerto Rican. Come on, man. What was the movie? Oh, Carlito's way, the little.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. He came in a fucking wheelchair, bro. Oh, he killed that seed. The guy that won the Academy Award with Sebastian Green Book. Yeah. He played a Puerto Rican. The black guy? The white guy.

Oh, the white guy. Dude, what's his name? The white dude that played that movie and guest book. And he came on the American way, too. And he's out of the movie. But, dude, that scene. That scene. Then he tells him what impressed me was he asked him if he wanted him

PASA. Gilles. That's a word that people will never, ever use again. That means a bump in Cuban. Get him pass it. So when he said that, uh, his name is on the tip of my top.

I'm also, and I can't remember. Vito Morgensen. Vito Morgensen. Vito Morgensen. When Vito Morgensen played in a wheelchair, he came in a wheelchair,

you guys. Strong out, all dirty. That was it. We were talking about how good that was. Nobody even mentioned his fucking name. Come on, man, you got everything, man. I got a shit through a fucking pie, man.

I can't even fuck no more. I got even fuck no more, man. And then Luis Guzman comes down. You're going to fucking shoot it. Yeah, man, shoot me, man, I shoot me, you miserable fuck. You're a bad motherfucker. You got a website. I got a website at Philippiansworld.com.

I love you to all my life. I love it, too. First of all, thank you for supporting me. Thank you for the kind words you were on. the internet about me Friday night and I want to thank you for coming on the show and not being part of the fucking cancel community.

That fucking shit is done. The cancer culture is done amongst comics. You fucking assholes have done enough to fucking try to be cute and if you don't like the fucking show, switch the fucking channel. That's it, motherfuckers. It's over. Before we go, real quick,

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Shake it up and take it with you throughout the day. They got everything. They just sent me, oh my God, fucking puffs, protein puffs. 16 calories a bag, a small. little bag pizza flavored wait till they release those they got shit going on that you wouldn't believe but listen why fucking uh why talk about it go to honor dot com right now take a look at the

supplements i can't help you with the bats and i can't help you with the kettlebells but the supplements i get you 10% off delivered to your house how's that for you press in code church c h u r c h and get 10 points 10% off listen you're confused right now all of us are We don't know what's going on. I know you don't have a lot of money, whatever's going on. But if you're going to make an investment, get a little alpha brain. Get your mind back. It makes you focus through new tropics.

I can break it down for you, but I don't know what I'm saying. I'm not that smart. But that's how I got my fucking jazz back. That's how I got. What's the name of that movie with the girl? How she got her groove back. That's how Joey got his groove back with this fucking alpha brain. So do yourself a favor.

Go to honor.com. Press in. Church. Bam! Get 10% off. Also, you're working out. You got pains, you got arthritis, you got inflammation, you got swelling.

When I tore my hamstring, CBD line was fucking tremendous. I like this, their cream so much that I use it as a moisturizer. That's how much I like their cream. Their CBD lotion, 1,000 milligrams,

whether it should. As soon as I come out of the shower at night, I dry off and I rub it from my knees all the way down to my feet and I fucking relax. Okay, my skin's soft again, no more dry skin. I put it on my hamstring and help with the pain. Listen, they just go to CBDline.com. Go to the website. If you have an ailment, they have the solution.

They'll tell you exactly what CBD get, what flavor, what options you got, whether you want to smoke it, whether you want to take the tincture, whether you want to use the teddy bear gummy bears, whether you want to use the bath of salts. CBD Lion gotcha. Do me a favor. Go to CBDLion.com right now. Press in. Church? And get 20% off

delivered to your house. Listen, you want to start small? Start with the strawberry gummies. Start with the raspberry gummy bears. You're going to hit me up on Twitter and say, Joey, what the fuck? You're a savage. Why hasn't nobody else told me about this? If you're buying your CBD oil at some fucking store or some you don't know what the fuck you're doing.

I'm a 57 year old man. I got aches and pains, everything hurts. CBD line helps me with that. Anxiety, insomnia. So if you're having any of these problems, CBD can help you. Listen, start today. Go to CBDline.com.

Pressing code. Church. And get 20% off to live it to the house. I want to thank Felipe Spaza. I want to thank the Christkiller. And most importantly, I want to thank you guys. Don't forget. We're also on Spotify, Spotify, YouTube, iTunes.

We don't know we know the next few weeks things are going to be happening, but we'll keep you posted. You know what I'm saying? So I love you guys. Have a great week. Uncle Joey fucking adores you, motherfuckers. Thank you for having my back. We set a president today on fucking Twitter.

We set a president by letting people know they just can't cancel you because you're not their cup of tea. Fuck you. Switch the channel, bitches. Lee, kick this fucking mule.