The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #798 - Russell Peters

Episode Date: June 24, 2020

Russell Peters, is a world famous stand up comedian who has multiple specials and an actor seen in the movie, "Chef," joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt LIVE in studio.  This podcast is brought to you by: CBD Lion - For all of your CBD needs, from shatter to gummies, go to www.CBDLion.com and use code CHURCH for 20% off.   Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout on your first order.  

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This is the year of the fucking soldier. We're going in like fucking Marines. You understand me? Welcome to church, motherfucker. Oh shit. Beautiful day to be alive, motherfuckers. It's Wednesday, the 24th. I have a guest, but first I want to talk to you,

happy Father's Day. Whenever, with all this fucking stupidity, we didn't get a chance to talk about Father's Day. I hope all the dads. had a good time and the kids and the whole fucking thing. Everything is great. We're back to normal. We didn't dodge a bullet.

There was no bullet to dives. There was nothing there. So thank you for having my back. You loyal motherfuckers, you know, from day one, I've been talking about loyalty, and you guys proved it. You guys got the message how it works that good and bad. You've got to stick together. If not, you have nothing.

You have no reason to have friends. the people that do this type of shit they're the people that watched friends and thought the world is fucking just you know so having to go fuck themselves besides that I'm beautiful I feel good the flying fucking Jew we did a couple of edibles yesterday

I hope you enjoyed the live stream you know what I'm saying we're gonna do a couple more of those wanted dead or alive I like that I like that right off the bat representing I'm smoking some fucking cherry gas from urban trees and I'm just feeling good

I had a great father's day. I'll tell you a quick story. And then we'll bring in Russell. Timmy Holloway is a dear friend of mine, listener, family. He sent me a Jimmy Page model. He sent me a pistol-peat one and a Julia serving one. This was his private stock, and he sent them to me. So I appreciate them very much.

And I was he Oswald. And I had them all here in the office. And little by little, every time my daughter comes to the fucking office, she takes one. Like all of a sudden, she's a fan of four. fucking Ozzy Osbourne. She liked it because he had a bat. Little did she know, that motherfucker had Wuhan. I threw that bat away, right? So she took that one home. Then she came in another time and took the fucking Julia serving home, which I had it at home anyway. She wanted to claim it, but I thought it stays

at the fucking on this table. She was all right with it. Then a few weeks ago, she comes in here and she takes the fucking Jimmy Page one. It's because he has the double neck guitar and shit with the strap. And she went home and started listening to Led Zeal. Believe it or not, I caught her watching the soy amaze the same. So now, because she's got Nikki, whatever his name is, poison. Leggy Six. No, that's the guy from fucking whatever. I'm talking about the guy from poison that comes in.

Anyway, it doesn't matter why we drop in names here. He left his drumsticks here. And as a souvenir, she came in and took the drumsticks. So I told that John Bonham is the best fucking drummer. So she fucking, it's... She takes, she watches Moby Dick, the video live from the garden, and she plays the drums on her bed. It's fucking classic.

So anyway, forget about that. Her mother asks her what she wants to give me for Father's Day. She goes, how about a statue since I took Jimmy Page? How about a statue of fucking Robert Plant? So they went online, they couldn't find Robert Plant. Then she went to the obvious. She went to Bruce Lee because she sits there and looks at my books all day. And there was no statues of Bruce Lee.

so my wife goes, I don't know what to tell you. You know, pick one. And she started looking now. Yeah, my daughter watches Law & Order. Yeah, you know, shit like that. But nothing dirty. De Anna had to switch something while we were watching Ray.

And she liked the piano playing. But as soon as he stuck the needle in his arm, I had to switch it. I don't, you know, she's too young for that shit right now. Yeah, I showed her the exos of he was five, but that was a different situation. You got to scare a bitch from time to time. You know what I'm saying?

So, yeah, there's a part in Ray where he bends over, and he grabs a little black boy's hand, his brother when he was dead, and she fucking jumped. So right there, I'm like, I've got to be careful. Let me switch this. So I've never watched nothing bad with her. And if something comes under the tee, like I make it go inside her room when I watch John on HBO on Saturday, Sunday nights.

What's his name, John Oliver? Right. You know, because he fucking goes. He curses more than I do that fucking Englishman. I love them. So I try to just be clean with that, you know, whatever. I don't try to curse around her. I ask her if people say bad words around her in school, kids her age.

She says sometimes, you know, same shit over and over again. But here's the clinker. So Sunday we get back from doing a podcast, her and I, we do a podcast about science. And she gives me a box. She goes, Dad, my fucking, you're, not my fucking, you're, you're president. and came, open it up. My wife looks at me. You want me to tell you what fucking statue

she got me? Pardon me, I'm smoking a number here, you know what I'm saying? It's fucking Wednesday morning. You got to do what you got to do. It's hump day for some. It's slinging dick day for others and you know who your others are. So she gave me a fucking statue of Tony Montana sitting there. There's no coconut nose, thank God, because then I would have

known. When she gave me the scarface thing, I'm like I looked at my wife. She goes, she picked it. She picked it herself. She says that she liked the way he was sitting down. So I don't know what to tell you guys. Maybe I'm doing the wrong job here. I don't know what the fuck.

I've never talked to a little above blow. I wouldn't even show her this movie until she's 20. She could handle it. The fucking arm getting cut off and shit, she wouldn't go for that. So now there's a fucking statue here. That's it. That's all I wanted to tell you. I wanted to tell you it's good to be alive.

It's a beautiful day to be alive. Russell Peters came in the day Out of a favor He wanted just to get out of the house And we put a little podcast Together for you Here it is, I hope you enjoy it What the fuck Russell is going on with the world

I don't know nobody knows what the fuck is going on With the world Joey nobody has a clue It is great to see you brother You too brother you know Let me tell you Let me tell everybody You were the only guy who checked on me consistently Thank you

And I'm not a good friend because I didn't check on you as much as you checked on me. I checked on everybody. I know. You know, man, I knew morale was going to be down. And you're an empath. Amongst the comics, I knew that I was doing, I know how I'm addicted to nighttime. Mm-hmm.

I know what it was to stay in three nights, five nights, two weeks. Then they kept extending it. We were limbo and then more limbo. And guess what? It's the 23rd, the 22nd June. And we're still in a fucking limbo. in Brea this weekend is not going to happen. So if you were coming to Brayah this weekend, my deepest apologies,

the Brea Improv is going to open up after July 15th. Is that what they say? That's what they're saying. So, you know, Orange County got polluted again. Houston is polluted. Florida tripled. I'm going to Florida this week. Arizona tripled.

So, you know, what part of Florida are you going to? Miami. Oh, that's canceled. Broward County's fucked up. I'll see what happens. I hope it doesn't get canceled, to be honest with you. How you've been? I'm fucking surviving this shit.

What the fuck have you been doing to pass the time? I used to do lives. I think everybody went through this whole phase of going live on Instagram for a while, and I think it just fizzled out. You're doing it? I stopped doing it. I would do it whenever I felt like it, really. And what would you talk about on there?

I don't know. I would just talk to people, and then I would see, like, friends of mine, like rappers or, DJ friends of mine that would be in the chat and I'd just add them in real quick and we'd talk So you could just add them in and then they pop up? Yeah, he'd be like, hey, come on, let's talk. And then everybody would watch your conference.

It's like a podcast at that point. That's pretty fucking cool. Yeah. I had Dom on with me one night. I had Little Rel one night. You don't DJ that much anymore? Yeah, sometimes I'll DJ. The problem was that they were cracking down on DJs on Instagram.

Oh. But it was really hypocritical of them. because they would let like and I don't want to I'm not shitting on these guys by any means because these are my friends but they would let D. Nice play for hours and anything you wanted and they would let us and you know certain guys they would let go and these guys are having like 8 10,000 20,000 De Nice I with 200,000 people on one of his lives one time and uh and but then they started like shutting guys down and like I was DJing when I were having a great time everybody was fucking jamming and And then I got a message. You've just violated Instagram's policy. I'm like, what the fuck? And then you're live will not be saved. I'm like, fuck.

I went on a rant. I posted it on my Instagram. I don't know if you saw that. I don't know if you follow me, don't you? I don't know. I have no idea what. Cock sucker. I don't know a shit about shit.

Listen, let me tell you something about the other night. Let me tell you how bad it is. I haven't had to drink since the thing. Just because I'm scared it lowers you're telling. I don't drink anyway. Actually, I heard it's good for you. I don't know. There's no fucking...

Nothing. You know what it's like? It's like a Trump supporter and a not Trump supporter. They can both raise an argument for either of their stances. It's the same with the COVID shit. When this fucking thing hit, I started eating edibles. I was home. I was lonely.

I started eating edibles. You know, my wife was going about at 8 o'clock with the baby, 8.30. And I was eating edibles at night. And in the daytime, I was eating Xanax. Oh. A little baby once. But, like, dog, I had them for years, and I never touched him. And then the next thing you know, I'm eating them at 12 o'clock, eating them at 3.

And then I would stop because I didn't remember when Duff came on, and he said that he would eat him at night and you get addicted to them. Don't eat him in night to go to sleep. Oh, because they go, yeah, they're not going on. And then Rogan's guy, when he did the podcast on sleep, he said not to use things to help you go to sleep because you won't go to your full rim cycle. Oh, really?

So I was like, what I'll do is in the daytime, I'll take the baby Xanax, the 2.25s, not even the sticks. They're the circles. They don't do dick to it. It's just like a mental thing. It's like a teddy bear. I go, I would eat three of those in the daytime, like prescribed,

and then after five, I would start popping edibles. And, dog, I was popping so many edibles. I was forgetting. Like, I would put two out, and go, and then my wife were calling me, and I come back and go, where's the two? I wouldn't see those, and I popped two, and then I'd go, whoa, I didn't pop the two.

And I'd pop two more. And then one night I was talking to a friend on the phone, they're like, Joe, you don't sound too good. That's when I started going, wait a second, I got to calm it down with it. And plus, my world was just getting fucking, when you eat edibles and you've got skeletons in the closet, and it's late at night,

and you start thinking about stupid shit. Yeah. Stupid shit fifth grade shit You wore a stupid shirt Oh yeah the first time kids called you names Because you wore fucking colored socks the gym You know like shit like that I cannot even nothing to do with the fucking

What was going on in your life Nothing to do with COVID Nothing to do about comedy Nothing about career It's bringing back shit that traumatized you You're traumatized you thinking about I remember the first grade I got in trouble For throwing the statues out the window

On the third floor PS-166 And they fucking told me they would call my mom I remember that shit. I remembered everything that had nothing at that night came in. I remember I told you guys in the podcast that this type of shit makes you think of shit that you haven't thought of in years. Yeah, it does dig deep in you. It digs deep in you.

So I said, fuck it. April came along. I couldn't work out. I would hit the bag and I couldn't breathe. I couldn't catch my breath. I would feel the pressure on my neck. I thought it was going to have a stroke. Where are you going to pressure on your neck from?

I don't know, because the stress I had in me, that, you know, when there's a comedy store going to reopen, what are we going to do without comedy, fucking people going to starve? I had all these horrible things gone on my mind. And then I just, something happened, like I got better. I said, I'm going to stop with the edibles. Let's stop with the edibles.

And that really kicked it down, 50%. That was 50% of my anxiety. Then I got a bicycle. The guy next door gave me a bicycle. I got one of those bikes with the, motor assist on it's fucking incredible all that shit's tremendous that's perfect when you hit a hill yeah but i got a bike and i started riding the bike early 7 in the morning oh you know you were calling me and tell me he was up at 7 i'm like what the fuck you get yeah get up do a couple notes post

messages and fucking brush your teeth i took a shower before i went to bed brush my teeth comb my hair i wouldn't even eat breakfast no breakfast maybe a little uh whatever a coffee yeah coffee two expressos get on the bike and go for a little bit of a lot i know how he got on a bike after a cuban coffee i was ship myself tremendous those pedals move you know what i'm saying you do three shots of cuban coffee at seven the morning man you watch those pedals move baby you know but i remember the like the third day i went out guys i went out with a mask and i remember going today i'm doing 20 minutes and i remember at the end of the 20 minutes like i looked at my thing and i had 19 to go Completely drenched in sweat.

It was one of those days, and it was 90 already at 8 in the morning. My snots were dripping. Under the mask? Oh, yeah, it's the worst. When I took the mask off, I'm like, I'm not wearing this mask no more when I ride a bike.

Not at 7 in the morning. There's nobody out. There's nobody out. What am I going to wear? And then today, last week, Newsom said, you don't have to wear a mask if you exercise. I was like, oh, thank God. That, bro, I will look in the mirror at the piss.

I had fucking not even frozen snot. it was like snot that had been freeze dried into my lip I could taste something salty but I didn't know what it was I cut my lip it was the snot

just dripping like just that was the third day I was on a bike that's how out of shape like stressful with and then you got the mask which is like fucking killing yourself to live with you

yeah you're fucking sucking in CO2 the mask was wet I stopped I start yawning like crazy when I put that goddamn mask on that's why I don't like it that's why I don't find And once I started adding that, I got to be honest, you're Russell. Things started slowing down.

But let me tell you what, I, then I went online and I sag. Somebody sent me something, how to cope with stress during these hard times. And I went and I started reading it. I said, there's different forms of shit you're going to see. I'm going to tell you a story. It said that short-term memory. Yeah. Now, I could fucking tell you.

what I did in 1982, the conversation, what time I had it. I swear to you guys the other night, me, my wife, and my daughter were playing battleship. And we played till nine. My daughter went to bed. Me and my wife kept yakking. At one point, I go, let me go outside. Let me go take a shower. I look at the sunburn.

I got third-degree sunburn in Ventura, so she's peeling skin off me. So I took a shower. came out I put my shorts on she comes in she goes don't put your shirt on so I could rub some all along and she rubbed all on me we talked for a little while I went outside to the living room and she said to me do you mind if I have a beer and I'd have a rug day go you better get two she goes I'm gonna go sit outside for a couple minutes I went into my office I started going you know writing notes whatever the fuck I do at night it must have been 1045

I swear to you both. Do you know at one more point, I go, well, I got to go take a shower. And something, when I went to get up, I looked down and I looked at my shorts. And that's how I remembered. I took a shower. My short term, Mary's been taking a shit. I was telling you a story before we went on the air, and I could remember the fucking member. I had to ask you.

I said, what was I saying? And I was in the middle of telling the fucking story. Horrible. Lee, tell that fucking, tell your pet. stay at home in the fucking in the car look at him

I can't help that's a fucking that's a Jewish bug right there that motherfucker he's hard to kill he's like Steve Seagall and fucking 90s at one but uh

that's what it affects me in my short like I could not remember yeah if I take the shower an hour and a half I can't remember if I took my fucking pills in the morning oh I do that shit all the time like did I take it I don't know

did the bottle move I can't tell if the bottle I can't tell if the bottle's moving My wife has Monday through Friday through Sunday. No, I have those, but then I have separate ones that I take in the morning. Like, first thing. And then I got the pill boxes for downstairs. You know what I mean? I got to process.

I got to open up the protein cabinet. I got to spray steroid in both nostrils. Mm-hmm. And then I got to take it. You got to do that sideways shit, right? Yeah. And then I do a pill for your thyroid. Had to one of those?

Then I eat breakfast. Then I take my blood pressure medication. my multivitamin with the shit in my stomach. Yep. So, but. Very similar routines we have. Well, I have the same process. I have to put the dish down and go move right to the pills.

If for some reason I put the dish down and I got to take a shit, I forget to take those fucking pills. Then all day long I'm banging my head on the wall. I take those pills. Thank God my wife puts them in Monday to Wednesday. So I'll go back, look and go. I didn't take them. If not, I'm fucking retarded.

For me, for me, for me, for me. like stuff that I usually like to do just I don't feel like I'm depressed but like everyone's watching TV I love TV I haven't watched I watch I watch I'm watching sitcoms that I've watched 8000 times because I can't feel I don't want to sit down and focus on a TV show I don't know

Focus was gone Yeah I can't watch shit about I couldn't watch shit I watched something one night The next point I didn't remember what I watched Like I'm like so I just started watching The Sopranos Suns of Anarchy

and Narcos from the beginning and every time I put them on their sleeping pills they're sleeping pills. As soon as I put them on I wake up 2 30 in the morning I'm on the fucking couch. Honestly to get me to sleep I put porn on. I don't know what it is about the sound of it it knocks me out.

You don't jerk off? No, I think I'm going to and then I watch it and I'm like I go, I guess I don't need to jerk off. Do you watch porn when your wives are in the house? No, my son's mother. We were never married just for the record. No, I mean, we weren't

even sleeping in the same fucking room anymore. That's always the thrill of it. Yeah. I was up, she was down. Whatever. You don't go to bed until 5 in the morning anymore. No, I try to go to bed earlier. I try to be in bed by like 11, 30, 12 o'clock.

Really? Yeah. I thought you were a night stalker. I used to be when I was a little younger. I can't do that shit. No. I feel it the next day. I love to.

I love to stay up until 3. I love to know that I could stay up until 4 with no penalties. and go on the writing. I could do that in New York. Yes, because you're going to be up anyway. I did it in New York. New York is no problem. Step till 4, and I know the thing is in New York,

you know you can get breakfast at fucking 4 in the afternoon, so you're okay. I remember one night talking to Lee and breaking his balls. You had to be one in the morning in New York, and I'm torched him about he got like a salami sandwich. Was I in New York or were you in New York?

I was in New York. And you were here, and I'm, I call Lee and I'm like, what's going on? He's like, I'm nothing. I'm just eating someone. Lee, you're going to fucking die. You keep eating that shit. And I'm not, I don't hang up with him two minutes.

I go downstairs, I smoke a joint. I get a coffee. I'm one of those motherfuckers that drinks coffee. At night? Oh, yeah. I'll drink that. Not anymore. Not anymore.

But for me to go to the store, I need four shots of Cuban. How many a day do you drink? I drink American coffee when I wake up. Just to get the people. party started. I'll drink a regular, nice, dark roast. I like a dark roast, too. Yeah, black.

I drink it black. Black coffee to get the party started. That's the first party. I pop a little nicotine gum, and that just gets some blood muscle moving. Then I get up, I do a couple, like, Puerto Rican yoga stretches, like I stretch my spine, I touch my toenails.

Then I hit two bong hits. After I'm about 42 minutes, I do it by two bong. It's when the music is starting to sound good. You know what I'm saying? And once I inhale those two bong hits, I go into the kitchen, I drink like 10 ounces of cold, cold, cold water. And then I blast a four-man espresso before I wash my pussy.

Before I take a shower, I blast a four-man espresso. And then I drink another bottle of water. And then after that, let's say I eat or how eat oatmeal, and then do the four cup espresso. And then you're just waiting for your guts to come out. It's just a matter. Oh, yeah. No, my body knows. It's a science.

You go on the computer, you type a couple things else. And then you just, you rip that fart. It smells like the guts of your fucking enemy. It just smells like your fucking ass. And you're like, well, I'm ready. I go in the back bathroom. I got a door to the outside so I don't kill

any of the bathrooms in the house and that's that first one that's pure fire by this time it's 745 I'm already throwing heat it's a log my assholes on fire you know I mean it's one of those things

where you sit up you walk when you walk back you walk with a limp one of those shits you know what I'm saying it took something out of your leg yeah it takes I mean I'm serious oatmeal a nice cup and a half oatmeal and then the fourth shot of espresso.

What do you have in the oatmeal? You have sugar or honey or? Cinnamon. Cinnamon. Cinnamon and coconut milk. Hmm. Can't fuck with that. I like my milk regular milk.

I like my, I'll do regular too. But if I'm, if my wife, if I know like my wife's going to get pizza, I won't put dairy. Oh, okay. I'll put coconut.

Because you'll have the dairy later. I'll have the dairy later. And then that'll make me go fucking crazy. So. What's going on with the rap game? You're still producing the show? What's going on? We did four seasons.

We won an Emmy. We won a Peabody. And then they didn't want a... Netflix didn't want a fifth. Like, all right, cool. But I got another doc that I'm working on. Okay. It's almost done.

You're really always... You know, I was thinking... The one day I called you was because the edible. I called you in L.A. one night. Right. I called you late to tell you a story. Yeah, it was about 10.30. You didn't answer.

I called you. late one night because I was in the middle of an edible run. I'm making an outline for the book. And I remember the history of crack cocaine. I'm thinking about how I grew up on 148th Street. In the Bronx? Oh, no, you were like Washington. I was on 88th Street.

My mother lived on 88th Street. I went to public school on 89th Street. Oh, so you were just uptown? I was an uptown guy. But my godmother, my Santa Maria godmother, lived on 148th Street. So she's Harlem almost. She is Harlem almost. She is all, man.

And it was a great neighborhood. I learned a lot there. A couple of blocks up, you can cross over to the, to the, into the fucking Yankee Stadium over there. Right there, 169, you cross right over. So it was, uh, that whole block. Not when I lived with,

not when I was at my godmother. As I got old, 10 years later, I would go visit my godmother. I would surprise I'd bring a flowers. She talked to me, and then on the way out, I'd just cross the street and cop Buda Thai weed. They would sell Buddha Thai, Buddha, Thai, Buddha Thai. This is 82, 81, 801. Oh, yeah, that's where they're smoking Thai stick and Buddha.

Tie stick and Buddha. Yeah. And they either sold your Buddha, Thai stick, or they sold your Sensomilla. It was the beginning of Narcos. All that shit of Narcos, Mexico, when they started sending Sensumia, that was 1980. that was 1980 fucking that was a Jamaican one well the Jamaican one was lamb's bread right that was what they sold in the city that was big that fucked you I remember that why is it called lambsbred because it's some bad shit yeah oh

the people don't even know about lamb's bread today very very very few people know the power lamb's bread you know they used to call all that weed chocolate tie buda tae but basically it was lamb's bread and it was Jamaican weed and it fucked you up and then in like around 80, 40 they started smoking Willa Blunts but before that

was when the sense of me it started coming around and then I had a school teacher Mr. Pullman he used to fucking get Maui Wabi shipped to him. I remember Maui Wai Waii and he would sell it to you at school and a stick would have been hilarious. $35 for three joints. Jesus. That was more

than you ever paid in your life. How much was the regular joint? Like a dollar a joint. Oh shit, okay. So you could buy a half ounce of dirtweed and get, you know, pay 25 bucks and get 32 joints so I can make $7. Like that was your thinking. And when you were a sophomore in high school, seven joints is 20 bucks today. So do you see what I'm saying? I made 20 on 25 investment.

So I would buy a quarter pound for 100 bucks and sell for 200. Right off the bat. I was doing that shit in the late 80s. Well, I was a sock out with a guy. that that's what he sold. He would front it to me. He would drive me. He would drive me, give it to me.

I go upstairs and I keep 100, give him 100. That's how quick I made $100 in those days. That was the eighth grade freshman year. But going back to my godmother, when I went back and this saw in 82, 83, I went to Colorado in 83, came back and I never really went to see my godmother.

I was on the shit list. And then finally in 85, I came up with enough. guts to go see my godmother and I went down the stairs and like perfect i'm gonna get some weed to go back to colorado but as i was waiting at the light to cross i seen all these motherfuckers putting cardboard down fucking like making believe fighting and then they would start spinning on their backs and shit and that was more or less that was 82 then that's yeah 81 82 that was like it was everywhere now like i had been in such a cocaine closet

I missed the beginning of all that shit. And I never forget going up to him guy and going, where's the reef? Who's out? And the guy's like, there ain't no reef on this block. This is straight up Crackville. Yeah. And I'm like, oh, oh. Like, you know, Crackville was 180 first and up.

Oh, yeah, it hit the Bronx hard. It hit the Bronx hard, crackers. I had friends. My friends in the Bronx told me crazy stories. One of them was like, yo, he said he was on. I said, when did you get? How long were you on crack for? He goes, right up until around 97.

I go, are you fucking kidding me? He did, 97? He goes, yeah, I had it bad. I go, he goes, you ever see those movies and then those abandoned buildings with the fucking crackheads everywhere and fucking just strung out? It goes, I was in those buildings. Fucking raw dog in these crackhead chicks. I'm surprised I don't have AIDS.

I'm like, God damn. Crack was fucked up, man. I could delight. Lydie and tell you I went to a crack then I never went to a crack then did you try crack Yes here oh really can you believe that here how was it 2002 wow 2000 find it in 2002 that was a throwback crack 2002 2003 they sold it on orange and salma in Hollywood right down the block from man's Chinese theater wow if you cross the yeah yeah I know it's a building right there

And you walk down, and then you hit Hollywood High School parking lot right down the corner. There'd be two guys there every night standing there. So I'd be fucked up from the Coke and drinking at the comedy store. So I'd drive on Selma all the way home. Cross Highland, cross LaBraya. And then by the time I got the Orange, you know, every night, they would stare at me. And I would stare at them. And one day, I'd go, what's all they're staring about?

So I pulled up, I go, what's cracking? And he goes, brat. You know, he didn't say crack. He goes, I got rock. Yeah. So let me get a 20. And he fucking went into the mill and took a bag out and gave it to me. I'm like, all right, see you later.

That's normal? Yeah, with a baggie, with a twist on it and shit. They hide in their mouth. It's like I swallow it. Right? So he gives me the bag and fucking I go home. And my girlfriend at the time was not my wife was sleeping. And I took it home and I fucking crushed it up.

This is our stupid Uncle Joey's. I crushed that fucking rock up to death. It was a mountain of Coke and I fucking snorted. And I sat there for 20 minutes and my throat got a little numb. Nothing happened. The party didn't start. I didn't jerk off, nothing. And the next day I told a dear friend of mine that was a fucking animal.

What I did, and he goes, they sold your crack, stupid. You got a freebase that shit. He started and he goes, you got to smoke that. I got, you smoke crack. Like, I didn't know. He goes, you got to get a pipe and all. And I go, all right. So next night, went over there again, I bought crack, and I put in a Coke can.

I went home, cracked up a Coke can, put holes in it. And I started smoking crack. And I smoked crack for about six weeks. My wife would wake up in the middle of night and go, Joey, what's that smell? And I would go, it's a new reefer I got. Go back to bed. I would buy four rocks, six rocks. How was it?

It was disgusting. It was part of my disgusting days. No, no, no. But what was the buzz like on it? It was like a cousin took cocaine. At that time, Russell, I think it was like 2001. It was all the same. It didn't matter what night it was.

You know, it's all one big blur now. But I was, I smoked crack for about six or seven weeks. and then I had a two-week run in O'Passo. He used to hire me for like two-week runs. So he would hire me for like one week to open up for Russell as a feature. And he liked me so much, he'd go, why don't you do me a favor?

Open for me? Yeah, yeah, no. For a guy like you. You know, when I was a feature, when I was a feature headliner, you know, I could headline when I was really a strong feature. He would say,

open up for Russell, stay, because he had a condo. They go stay and then do a show Wednesday by yourself. And then Russell's cousins coming in Friday and Saturday. And then you do Sunday. You had lunch Sunday. And I would do that. So when I went down there, nobody's got cracking up asses.

They got the real thing. That they walk it over. Yeah, for you. They just walk it over. You know what I'm saying? You could call Mexico. Where are you at? I'd be there 10 minutes.

and all of a fucking a fucking a sewer plate pops up the Mexican comes out a little mud on his head like Felipe on three's company Yeah It's crazy

There's cocaine everywhere So when I went down there I looked to crack I couldn't find it So I went back to snort coke That's how I got rid of crack I remember I remember it must have been around

1994 And I was driving In Toronto I thought I was fly Because I had this fucking Saturn. Oh, actually it must have been 95 because I had rims on it already. I had Saturn, but it had no, I'd have no AC. I didn't have power windows, nothing. So it rolled down all the windows and I had a sound system that I put in the trunk. And I'm driving through this crackhead

part of town. And I'm at a red light. Music's playing. There's a girl standing at the corner. She's cute. She looks at me and smiles. I go, what's up? I go, where are you going? She goes, I'm going that way. I go, get in. So she gets. in she goes thanks you take me i'm going to my uncles i go cool no problem because do you mind if i smoke i go ah now go ahead she pulls out a fucking asthma inhaler puts a rock on it and starts lighting up in my car go yo what the fuck he's smoking she goes i know it's a bad habit i go no no no cigarettes are a bad habit

you're fucking smoking crack in my car uh I go why don't you smoke some weed you got some I go actually yeah because I was selling weed at the time I go actually yes I do so I she goes oh good so I went to her uncles with her some shady ass building I walked in uncles there you go you got weed yeah you know yeah so I sold him some weed and it's got the fuck out because I was like I don't know when we get shot stabbed whatever's gonna happen in here you know when you tell stories like this it's like when I tell stories like this and it's crazy because people can't fathom that no they don't realize how fucking weird our lives are. How weird and crazy position, you know, when you come to Hollywood as a woman,

as a young man, you see things, you know, these women that complain this, that, you know, they see something and you just get sucked in by it. And I can tell you something, there was nine parts in my life. I can name nine situations in my life where at one point I said to myself, I really don't belong here. Oh, I say that every fucking day I say that shit. You know, this isn't who I am at all. I didn't come here to see a guy get beat or got hit and head with a pipe. Oh, you know, I see my stepfather shoot a guy at eight.

I didn't, I wasn't participant to all that stuff. One story that I told on Ari's that I didn't tell the full creepiness of was when I sold that guy the stolen thing and he gave me 60 bucks and he gave me some heroin. That was like a horrible night for me. I made it funny. But if I really sat down with people and described what happened to me that night and how there was an old lady, the whole time we did Coke first, and then he's like, you should try this heroin.

I'm 16. Oh, wow. I'm 16. He's 29. Who the fuck knew? I don't know he's so much older. Yeah, he looked like fucking Tony Iommi from Black Sabbath. But he was cool with all my friends.

Like, he was one of the older guys that we were cool with. And when I came in, he goes, you want a blow job? I got a girl in the bathroom that likes to suck dick while you take a shit. Oh, I'm a bloomed in. I'm sick. Like, right there. Just hearing that. That's traumatic for some people.

I'm like, nah, I'm good. Like, nah, I'm good, bro. I wasn't into disgust yet. I was still a Catholic. My mother had died. Right. And I hadn't lost my faith yet. And I was like, nah, I'm okay.

I just want to pick up the $60. You know, and he's like, well, sit down. Let's do a couple of months. And he came out and did the heroin. When I was on the heroin, he asked me 10 times. Like, he sure you don't want that chick to suck your dick? Like, it was so disturbing, looking at it now. I didn't make it disturbing.

It was a joke. You know, it was a fucking joke now. I look at it as kind of funny. But I didn't belong there that night. You know? I didn't belong there. Yeah. You know, so nobody really belonged.

It's kind of weird when you have stories like that, that the chick got in your car. I was in Montana. I love to say Missoula But it could have been Billings I know it wasn't Billings It was either Missoula or one of those I get to the fucking club

Russell I'm a junkie But I'm in Montana What are my chances of copy Unless the way the kitchen guy is Mexican Like I was in South Dakota one time I made eye contact with the busboy And actually you know I was snort and coke

You know he was the only Puerto Rican in town He was in the Bronx He was in the service and on the weekends he watched dishes at this restaurant I did comedy at which it was a triple run you know what I'm saying so you can cop in North the Green Dakota

South Dakota something you can cop anywhere but I'm in Montana I'm not looking to cop I'm not looking I'm not even thinking you're probably in your head you're probably looking forward to a weekend of being clean yeah I was like I'm doing Montana Portland maybe I'll cop and I think

Saturday I was like I know I can cop at that place yeah so here I have a Monday Montana. How you doing? Joe Deers, the feature act. I'm the emcee. Nice to meet you. The emcee goes up on stage. The owner comes over. He goes,

this is my daughter. Girl was fucking beautiful to all. And, you know, tell her what you want. If you're hungry, he walks away. I'm thinking this girl goes to like Yale. She had that Yale look to her. And the girl says,

how you doing? How is your drive-in? Is the hotel fine for you? You know how people ask those basic questions? The generics. Right on, she looks me in the eye and she goes, if there's anything you need. I mean anything. Ask me.

Like, okay. Let's start out with the basics. Because before I buy the fucking lobster can't theese, I got to try the pork fried rice. I go, you got refill? And she goes, yeah, what do you want? Like, I don't know. Give me $60 with the rice.

refo. Here. He says I'll be right back. Left came back. Boom. Reef her. And she goes, anything else? I don't know. Let me go on stage and I'll think about it. I went on stage. I got on stage. They paid me. I pulled her aside. I go, can you get some powder? She goes, it's not here. I got to go for a ride. If you want to come. I go on. I got the feed track with me. I don't really want them to know. what's going on. So she goes, I just bring it to your hotel room. Okay.

You know, half hour. I get a call in the hotel room. I didn't have a cell phone then. And she's like, I'm on my way. I'll be there. She showed up. Very nice. Nothing sexual, nothing. She sat down. She goes, do you mind if I do a taste? I go, no, go ahead.

And I had stopped to get like beers. I got a beer for her. her when I turned around. She was taking out a rig. And I'm like, what are you doing it? She goes, I don't snort that. That's for pussies. She goes, I shoot it. Oh, Jesus Christ.

So who would expect to see somebody? Shoot Coke, a woman who's beautiful, by the way. This was not some girl with fucked up teeth and a broken car. This girl had a dad who owned the bar. She went to college. She didn't snort Coke. She was shooting.

If you thought, I expected to see that in whatever Montana. No. No, not at all. You know Rico? I know a few Rico. With the spider on his face from Seattle, big black guy, he's a Muslim.

I went to one of those towns with him one time. Because there was three bookers that had rooms in Missoula. Or like one of those towns, like one of those college town. I've never been to Montana. Tribble. Billings is a great comedy town. Tribble. Donna Richards.

And somebody else, another lady from Seattle, booked a room. Where are we talking about? What are you talking about Montana? Montana. And we took, I went with Rico. Now, this isn't all white town. This was before the chick. This was like two years, maybe five years before I went with, and the chick hooked me up with the blow.

This is, I'm still living in Seattle. It's March of 96, 96. Rico's 6 foot 6, 350 pounds, and black, it was beautiful. And on his face, he has a spider. He let his beard grow, but he pays a guy to shape it into a spider. And he's good friends with Doug Stanhope. Rico's cool this shit. He was there when the cops were looking for me

and out of jump in the garbage can. And then I came out and he's like, where are you? when the cops saw him and I'm like, Rico, you're 6 foot fucking 6, 300 pounds and you're waving your eyes and there's cops everywhere. I couldn't run to you. I told you to pick me up in front of the fucking hurricane lounge, not 100 yards away from the fucking hurricane lounge. So right away the cops come, I got to jump in a garbage can.

They couldn't figure out I was in the fucking garbage can. The cops. There was an old Rambo move I pulled. What the fuck are we talking about? So we do the gig, me and Rico. Biggest blackest guy. Is he a comic? Yeah, he's a comic in Seattle now.

He's a good friend of Doug Stanhope. Okay. It was him, Doug, Mitch Hedberg. Every time we did Seattle was a party with those guys. We used to laugh for Mitch. For sure. Doug Stanhope used to go, hold on ladies and gentlemen, real quick. My friend, I want to give him a minute guest spot.

He would give us one minute guest spots in those days. Me, Rico. Doug? Yeah. Oh, Jesus. You have one minute. And he would sit there. And you would have one minute to do material.

This is when Doug was like just before he walked him, before he unleashed the last hell of fury that, when they were all beat up and shit. This is Doug Stanhope 96, 97. Nobody had seen that type of shit yet. He was out of his fucking mind. When I mean out of his mind, Russell. I mean, when you watch this show,

you were like, I don't believe this is happening type shit. He's tame. down. Anybody watch his new special? I haven't. I don't watch anybody special. You have to, he's his early, he's a fucking nut. I remember his act from back in the day.

Yeah, he was out there. Oh, yeah. He was like the original fucking, uh, alternative. So we fucking went to a diner the next morning. We ordered breakfast. The food covers. It's filled with white people. Rico stands up.

He's Muslim. He gets on the floor. He throws like a, a fucking thing down, and he starts praying on the floor in a restaurant in Montana. Me? I may believe like I didn't know. You should have seen

me. At that moment in my life no black lives mattered. I was with them. I was like, dog, he's going to shoot him, and I can't do this. I just kept eating my eggs like I didn't know him and shit. When he sat back of the table, I'm like, who are you? I think I was like, fucking, it was

nuts. Six foot six, six, 300 pound Muslim in Montana This is like way before 9-11 and shit Or they were to fucking kill them I remember my friend's father was on crack back in the day In the mid-80s And we'd go to his house

And his dad would He'd get locked jaw from it You're like William Go go to the fucking store and get some chicken I'm like, what's wrong with the dad He's on rock right now I'm like, oh, okay. We didn't even think about it.

It wasn't like, oh, my God. It wasn't like an after-school special. We're just like, oh, okay. And then we just go to the store and steal some chicken. And then one night I slept over. I slept on the couch in their place. Middle of the night, I got to go to the bathroom. I opened the bathroom door.

His dad's in there with a dude and another chick and they're fucking shooting up. And I woke up. Oh, sorry. It's closed the door. Went back to bed. You know, the world of drugs is a dirty fucking business, man. Yeah.

It's a dirty business. It's funny because I saw his dad like a couple of years ago. And I was like, hey, you clean now? He goes, yeah, yeah, yeah. I go, and you were fucked up in the 80s, man. You were doing rock. I walked in on you doing heroin. You did?

I go, yeah, yeah. Well, right in there. It was you. I forgot his name and then some chick in there, too. He goes, oh, yeah, it was a good time back then. It was good times back then. I won't tell you want that. I do get pissed off when I watch Narcour.

sometimes. I can't lie to you. Not the Mexican ones. The other ones, the Colombian ones? Because the government knew. Oh, yeah. We got killed. We got killed. You know this COVID epidemic? That was a cocaine epidemic. And people were losing themselves right in front of me.

Losing themselves in front of me. I remember going to school with a girl that was a sweetheart. funny, drank, partied, but had her head on right, was going to a good college. Her mother was a big time in the post office put away money for her to go to some big time college. And right before fucking going to college time, I was a dropout. I would wife, me and this girl were friends. We were friends. We were dear friends.

I knew a mother. I knew a brother. I knew a father. And she would just drop out on me. Like you talked to her lately? No, I haven't talked to her in two days. Didn't want her girlfriends to call me. You see you lately?

Ah, and it's weird. She was supposed to call me to go do it. And then she'd come back like nothing happened. This went on for months. Months and went on. And then finally, like, college is starting. And I'm like, he's up in college. So the deal was she would go to school during the week

and then come back on the weekends. And then we would see her Friday night, ready to go. She would be right there with her snorting, drinking. Who is she? She ain't around. Again, disappeared. Then I started getting calls from the mother. I got a call from the college. She hasn't been in school in a month.

Do you know where she is? You have to know. She was like, she was accusing me. You know, and I'm like, I don't fucking know. Her girlfriend's calling me. You know where she? I don't fucking know. She was around.

She was running with a married dude. Oh, wow. That was a gangster, snorting tons of blow. Going to Atlantic City, getting fucking the top room in there. and you know what one night they were driving home they kept it a secret and they were driving fucking home from atlantic city they were driving on tully avenue where chances and they fucking hit a couple a 70 year old couple on the way to church and killed them when she went to county jail

she found out she was pregnant oh from that guy from the guy from the married dude he was driving He was driving, but they had been on a three-day bender. So he got charged with a vehicular manslaughter. He went away. She and the shame of the family picked up and they moved away. She just popped up on Facebook a couple years ago. Did she have the kid? Oh, yeah, the kid is gorgeous.

The kid is gorgeous. But it's just amazing how... I don't even know it made me tell you that story. just that's how fast your life could change, you know. Well, you were saying that upset you with narcos because the government didn't it to us. The government didn't it to us, and they knew it, like by 85. And I saw people break.

I have a lot of people who died, and I saw people who've had fucked up lives for the last 30 years. I'm not blaming it. I'm not saying that I wasn't going to do Coke, but now to find out that our own government was shipping it in, and the CIA and Barry Seal and all that shit, it kind of fucking upsets you a little bit

that it was a pandemic, bro. It was, I knew you, I grew up with you, Lee. You've never done anything wrong. Also, I go to a club in the city, and there's Lee sweating. Yeah. With Coke, and he's like, you didn't know. I became a Coke dealer. What?

What do you mean you became a Coke dealer? You were working at the laundry when I knew you for four years. You were an A student. I changed powders. Like that. That's how quick people had become dealers. Father-teams, father-son teams, gave up their investments and went to Miami, and they would try to become pirates.

They would call them. There was a name for them. In fact, Miami Vives did an episode about that, like the third episode about kids from New York that thought they were going to be kingpins, and they would go to Miami with 60 Gs and fucking go up to somebody on the street. You don't want to get two kilos. I have $60,000. Where are you at?

Room 312, the Hilton. Next thing you know, six fucking South, the Iranians are coming in there with knives taking your money. They were doing that shit to everybody. You couldn't just go to Miami and buy a kilo. They would take your money right in the hotel room. They would shoot you right in the hotel room and take your money. Yeah, Miami in the 80s was crazy.

It was crazy. I have friends that went down there, got set up. I can have one of them call in Danny B. Danny B. got set up down there. Friend of all. I squalled them, go down there, bring the money. They went down there, six people popped out of a closet. And cuffed them and took their money.

That was a big business in the beginning, unless you knew somebody for sure. Like I got a guy you could see that. His name is Russell, go to Miami. But you were just going down and they give up your fucking money. But for the son teens, people gave up their bank accounts to make an investment in cocaine. It was $30,000 a key, 100 of grand. all day long. Everybody knew it was 100.

There was no discounts. And when you did the math on paper and the calculator, it was the profit was amazing. And you were not going to get stuck with it. You were not going to get stuck with it. But I talked to a friend of mine two days ago. I'd been seeing his post on Facebook. Not too good.

So I picked up the phone. I know from the sixth grade. And he blatantly said it to me. He goes, the 80s didn't do me no favors. He goes, I became a drug addict, I lost my kid. Now I'm fucking this age. I got this much left in my 401k. And, you know, the 80s fucked up some people.

I was one of them. It was fast. I still remember in 82 selling half grams, thinking I was the sixth family, and three of my friends thinking we were the sixth family. And this kid came up to me one day. In fact, a friend of mine is listening to this right now. His name is Timmy Holloway.

he's my dog and he'll vouch for that story that we had a dude named Steve. There was a place, there was a crew called the Sixth Family, wasn't it? No, yeah, yeah, there probably was, but there was a, or the five families of something like that. It was all Hispanics. No, no, this is just a joke. No, there really was, though. No, there probably was. In New York.

There probably was, but there's a joke. That's just a joke that we thought we were young. We were the mafia. And we were Salin and Orson. This kid comes to me when he goes, hey man, there's this pimp who wants to meet you. I'm fucking 18 years old and a pimp wants to meet me yeah I gave him some of your coat

and it's the best shit around he wants to buy volume from you so right away I'm thinking he's an undercover cop so I go all right I got like an eight ball let's go down there it was in North Bergen so I knew it wouldn't make the papers I wouldn't get arrested if you liked that I knew I could

maneuver myself out of there it's North Bergen the paperwork could disappear the evidence will disappear it's my hometown I know friends that have friends of the cops. Something will happen, you know. So I drive down there and this kid kept saying tremendous. What do you think I got the word tremendous room? It was that day.

That's why I got the word tremendous from. The Chinese restaurant in Mississauga, Canada. Every time. Called Tremendous. I'm like, where does this kid live? He was in a hotel in Jersey City, on the border of North Bergen in Jersey City. And every time we do something. So the kid was in the backseat.

I was in the front pass and the seat. And the kid who was driving was not the type of kid you could play with. He didn't like what was about to happen. He liked snort and coke. But this wasn't his world and he had a short temper, if you know what I mean. He didn't take a lot of shit. So I would tell the kid, tell us where we're going. He's like, just go straight on telling the avenue.

And then he'd go, quick, quick, quick, that left over there. And, like, my friend would fucking go, what the fuck is wrong with you? He'd make the left. And the guy in the back would go, that left was tremendous. A couple miles later again Make it right over there My friend's like, what the fuck is wrong with you? I got to cut off three people.

That right, that was tremendous. You know, let me get a blast of the Coke. That cocaine is tremendous. And finally, my buddy goes, say tremendous one more time. I dare you. I'm going to beat the fuck out of you. And we started laughing henceforward because it's so annoying, I say tremendous.

We went inside the city hotel room, black guy, Michael Jackson hair, way before the operation. Two skanky black white chicks, scanky white chicks got beat up, their runaways, cigarette burns on their legs. I walk in there with my buddy and Steve tremendous.

And the guy's like, man, I did your coke, and it all comes back. Like, what the fuck are you talking about? Because I did your coke and it all comes back. And he showed, me on a freebase. He goes, nah, I don't do that punk-ass, gnaut and shit, I freebase this motherfucker.

And he would fucking take it, cook it, put it through a sock, a silk sock. He would take it off his foot and shit. And put it through the, like, the high part of it. And the rock would say on the thing and develop, and then he would shave it and you'd smoke it. And I was hooked dog. I'm like, well, because that was the big white people shit.

By 82, white people were already freebase. Wow. Minorities, we were still put. putting coke rocks in our nose. The people from, you know, ha, ha, ha, those people, well, like, we don't do it. We don't want to hurt our noses. We'd rather put baking soda and smoke it. So they were already off and running white people.

White people were already acting goofy. It's like they are with the, what's that shit they smoke? Not dabs. Yeah. They couldn't. Those are the same people. Same people that smoked dabs today are the same people that were free basing in the 80s. They couldn't just smoke refa.

They couldn't just snor coke. Oh, no. We got a free. base and these people I went to this head shop called In and Out It's still there In and Out? No, I forget what the way

In and Out. That's a burger place. I went to a head shop that's still there and they had A free base kit. A free base kit. You believe that? I remember those head shops and there was a lot of them in Toronto. It's still there that head shop. It was a free base kit And 50 bucks, I'm like

I'm like, my fucking, this is a half a gram of Coke. I got here to do this and I remember we went to a friend's house we brought like 13 grams of coke in the bottle and we fucking burned it all up we smoked it all I remember is waking up

and all the bottles are turned upside down the pipe was there there were bodies laying everywhere and I was like that's the end of my free base in career it was too much drama we get high

it's a lot of work I've got to wait I got to wait for it to dry I got to forget it just get it give it to me straight. Seems like more opportunities to get caught. Yeah.

He's just hanging on to it for a long time. Yeah. It's just too much. All these accessories. It made your parents. I didn't like it. I didn't like that part. When you were in Toronto,

you were exposed to all. Oh yeah, you weren't close. I mean, I didn't do any of it, but I was around it. You missed Toronto? Yes. Of course.

What time of the bars? Stay open to. Three, four. I had a good time in Toronto. Toronto. It was good. They stopped serving at two, but it's not like here where they fucking Nazi you out of your bottles at 1.30. At 2 o'clock, when they stop serving.

They let you keep your drinks out until 3. Remember we used to go to Hollywood? What was that club up there? That the magician ran. Oh, you played there? What was the name of it? That was Toronto. It was Boris's club.

Boris. Yeah, what was the fucking club called? Comedy would. Comedy would. I've totally about the story. I did the weed club up there with Steve. Well, Steve didn't do the weed club. That's downtown that one though.

The woman who owns that, Pop Mama, it was a waitress, I think, at that club. Yeah. Because she remembered you guys. Yeah, I never played that club because I was a Yuck Yuck Yuck's guy. Okay. If you were a Yuck Y' Y' Y' Y' Y' Y' guy, you're not to work anywhere else. Right. No, I remember one time going to Toronto and having a really, like, weird, good time.

Like you were there for a You had to go there Where that club was Was in the middle of fucking nowhere Yeah But you had to go down there for two weeks Yeah He would hire you as a headliner for two weeks

Wow And so you had two weeks in Toronto You were off Sunday and Monday You lived on top of the club You slept over the club In these little hallway rooms He had

There was a shower It was good enough for me in those days You know Yeah on the way up And everything is fine Everything is great I would go down to stay have no complaints about anything and be the worst fucking places you've ever stayed you're like

that's fine but that was one week where they had movie theaters or waitresses that was the one week where i lost my mind on blois street at the strip club oh like i really on young street i know what is it it's young and bluer it's like uh brass rail brass rail those are strip clubs oh yeah old old those are the strip clubs i grew up in anything goes shoot them whatever you want to do oh yeah just pay them you know i mean i was really impressed and i don't like strip clubs. I don't know what a fucking strip club. My friend calls them Wonstitutes. Oh, my God. They were crazy. Because they want a prostitute, but they can't commit to it.

They were crazy. They were crazy. There was a place on there that sold scripts on Law Street that sold like old scripts. I still got Goodfellas signed. Wow. Yeah, they still had a bunch of shit. There was a great city. And I tell you what I met up there. I met a Cuban refugee that was one of Fidel's bodyguards. Really? I met him at the club, and then he took me out the next day for lunch. He took me to a small Cuban neighborhood they have. It's like maybe two blocks long.

He showed me some fucking interesting pictures, and he told me some wild stories about being Fidel's bodyguard. You're only in the rotation for three years, then you disappear. And they never see you again. They tell you that he went to a different division. But years later, you'll talk to some. something and go, how's Lee doing? Lee, who? Lee Syed. He went up to their working there. We never seen Lee again. He was saying that Fidel was shooting his bodyguards

because you knew too much information about it. So he felt he was next. So he shot to the United States. He shot to Toronto and that's where they took him in. And then he tried to get shot up there. So the government protected him. He had a great story. He was telling me some fucking tremendous Fidel Castro stories. Walking into restaurants or Fidel. Fidel would see a young woman that was attractive, whether she was married or not. One of his lieutenants would come up to you and say,

excuse me, Mr. Peters, may have a word with your wife? And your wife would get up, and he'd go, tomorrow morning call this number, the commandante, want you to call the number, and you're a communist, so you call the number, and they would pick you up and take you to the doctor, give you a VD test,

then ship you to Fidel's house. to get fucked. Wow. They would check you out and everything. Well, they would make sure you're healthy. You had no cancer. They would give you a blood test and then take you right to Fidel's

whether you were married or not. He had some great stories, well. Fuck. I mean, if you're a dictator, that's the way to do it, I suppose. That's what it costs to me. That's what it means to be a fucking dick thing.

Slinging dick and giving out fucking medical cards. Slinging dick and eating taters. What do you think, brother? What do you think of this whole thing? Talk to me. What thing? No work.

How long do you think it'll last? Listen, I went back to work. I didn't. I did my quarantine. I did at least two and a half months straight clean. What kind of work you got? So you're in Westport. Are you aware this week?

Miami coming up. Then after that, where you go? Then I'm not working the week after because it's Fourth of July, I think. Okay. And then I'm in. I got a whole run going now. That is crazy, Russell. After that, I'm in Stand Up Live in Phoenix.

And then I'm in the improv and rally. Are you really going on? Yeah. And then I'm in Indianapolis at Helium. Then Virginia Beach Funny Bone. You flying private all these?

You fly private all these? No. Those days are over? Those days are over, buddy. Nashville's Ainez. Nashville is no direct flight. No, I know. Irvine.

Yeah, I got it all. Portland coming up in September. Yeah, it's all filling up there. Sacramento Punch Nine in October. I mean, I don't see many free weekends, to be honest with you. You're a fucking trooper, brother. I'm a road dog. What's the inspiration?

The fucking baby's mama or you really want to go on the road? You know, I love what I do. Listen, Russell, I love what I do too. I just don't. You have a nice home life. I hear what you're saying. I need to get away. I hear you.

I miss my kids when I'm away, you know, but I mean, I ultimately, I'm working for them. Right. Yeah, that's the same thing with me. Yeah. But you also got the luxury of having the podcast and it being a successful podcast. Yeah, but it's not all funny. It was me and Lee were talking about this before. It's been rolling with the punches lately.

I mean, yeah. Go on me there was going on. Now they're all coming. And wouldn't nobody pay attention to the podcast. Oh, yeah. Things going on. Now those other things aren't going on. Yeah, I remember doing Joe's in his house 10 years ago.

Yeah. You know, you'd walk in the front door and you'd hang a right into that little ass room. I mean, he'd cut through the garage or something. Yeah, you cut through the garage and the room was on the right there. And then he moved it to Ice House. And then he moved it to that other. place in Woodland Hills, then he moves to the other place that he's in now.

It's just crazy the evolution of what to happen with this shit. Nobody knew. No. Nobody knew. Nobody see it coming. And those are the biggest movements like this movement now. You never saw a fucking coming this pandemic. Well, we never saw this podcast coming.

Yeah, everybody was like, why don't you start a podcast? I go, and I feel it's disrespectful for me to do it right now because it's like everybody's got one. I don't want to be just another fucking one in the. in the fish tank. It's tough to start right now. Yeah, I know. So I'm like, it doesn't make sense for me. If you were to start this right now,

people look at you like, it's a real downhill battle. You have a huge following. So you've got to hope that podcast listeners, you better hope that they will pay attention to you on that forum. You know, it's really weird. One time I had one of the biggest names of comedy on here,

and it was the lowest numbers I ever had on a podcast. Really? That's how... I don't want to say? No. That's how awkward this is. That's how much I've learned.

I've learned that... Yeah, it's really not who you have. It's what you're talking about. You know... Well, that's... They want the information. That's one thing. I'm talking about when you look at...

Again, this fucking reaffir in my age. When you're looking at, not even the guest or what you're talking about. I don't know what we're talking about, so it doesn't matter. You're talking about how the podcast may or may not work? I just didn't know. When I started with Felicia, we were just talking about random shit. I was just trying to copy a radio show.

That's it. And then one day I'm like, wait a second, this is what you hear on the radio. This is why people don't want to hear this. People don't want to hear the voice. They want to hear you being real. People want to hear you being real. And I still remember telling them the story about Mother's, the hooker and like looking at her and her like this and me going i just struck a cord this is what

i need to talk about and sure enough this is when it all started by me telling a story from bert it was telling the machine story on rogan it just ran like a fucking you know yeah i remember doing bert's podcast maybe six years ago and yeah came to my house and we did it and it was just it's basically an interview that's it and that's why i don't like doing some guy's podcast is like so why don't you tell everybody how you got started you're a comic don't ask me that you fucking know these questions those are the worst things you can ask us to do i've always tried to go against the grain i've always even with a we're not a conformist so we don't have to work i don't want to hear listen if i go on the news and everybody's talking about something then that's

the last thing i want to talk about but this is the problem i i do see a lot of people want your specific take on yeah they want your take on a situation Yeah, what do you think about blah, blah, blah, blah. I don't think nothing about blah, blah, blah. I'm dead and buried. What do I think about blah, blah, blah, blah. I'm in worse shape than you are, you know what I'm saying? What do I think about blah, blah, blah, blah.

So I can't, I just wanted to, when I did this podcast, I wanted to let people know that we've been getting lied to. That they lied to you. Your guidance counsel lied to you. Oh, yeah. People lied to you. You don't need to do this. this is what you need to do. I never went to college.

And if I'm a felon and I could do it and they told you you can't do nothing, like they pretty much tell you in prison once you get out of here, you're dead. You'll never be able to get a job. People won't hire you because you're a felon. In fact, you should sign up for disability now. That's what they tell you.

Sign up for disability now. My buddy got out. He signed up for disability. But he did 33 years. Yeah. And what's he going to do now? Now he's dead. Did he really die?

He died during that. this thing. Really? He died. He hadn't even been out four years that he died three and a half years out. Three years for what? Uh, bodies. Bodies. He had a few bodies. 14 in the hole. No shit. Fourteen in the hole. I got his light, I got the rights to his life story. How'd they catch him? Um, he was in, they did a robbery or something and he was in a car, the getaway car. And the guy, you know, fucking they ran over somebody crossing a street and they you know it was a big mess i tell you that's one place i look at now want to be in that he was in every supermax prison on the east east coast

every they would move him all the time it causes he needs to go oh was you a problem caused or too he was like a shock caller so they'd move him he was like you move wherever fuck you want i know i got my people everywhere that's crazy 30 33 fucking years. He died 10 days before his 63rd birthday. And I was the second person on the call sheet from the hospital. How did you become friends with? I met him about maybe two weeks after he got out.

He was friends with a friend of mine who, a friend of mine who stayed in touch with him and looked out for him the entire time he was in jail, whereas everybody fucked off on him. So when he came out, in New York and I'm just talking to him. You know, I just see these Puerto Rican guys as far as I knew. You know, was talking, hanging out. And then we're talking.

He tells me he just got out. I'm like, what? I said, I'm a friend. I go, yo, he just got out. He goes, yeah. How long did you do? 33, 35. Are you fucking kidding me?

And at the time, I was doing real well, too. So, I mean, I took him to Macy's. I bought him a whole new wardrobe. So you need to look right. And then there was a Gucci in there. I bought him Gucci shoes, Gucci belt, Gucci jacket. bought him a new phone iPad, all that shit

to set him up right this guy loved me after that you know but his first his first murder was his first murder was when he was 11 killed these twins

and his projects who were bullying everybody he was 11 and these twins were about 17 and he goes down to play with one of his friends and his friend looked all fucked up

Because what happened here? He goes, those fucking twins, they robbed me and they beat me up. Because they can't do that. My brother's got a gun. And he goes up and gets his brother's gun. And he finds one and he goes, pop, pop, pop, pops, shoots him. And then he goes to the corner where the other one is, yo, something happened to your brother. He comes over, pop, pop, pops, shoots that one too.

Goes into Juvie Syke for four years. Comes out like 14, 15. There's a run on the streets then. Yeah, when you kill somebody at 11. Yeah. There ain't no country. And his brothers were like in that life, you know, but it's weird because his family wasn't like a broken family. They weren't, they were the only family in his project building that were not on welfare.

Because his dad owned a bunch of bodegas and some meat shops, some butcher shops and some, you know, that kind of shit, butcher shops and some some bodegas. And everybody loved his family because his dad would tell you when you came into a store. He goes, listen, you don't fucking steal from me. You don't rob for me. You don't rob me. If you need something and you don't got the money, you come and tell me and you write me an I owe you and you pay me whenever you can. And everybody loved his family for that.

So it was really revered in the hood. Fort Green, you know? Yeah. Yeah, it's really tight. Yeah. I just, when you say the number 33, it just crinkles my asshole. Oh.

I don't think a Larry Bird. I think a 33 hard, long years. Oh, dude. 14 in the hole. Really, it was 12. It started with 12 It started with 12 It usually does

Because he killed a guy in the yard For This fucking guy He killed him Whatever And just been long story short He killed a guy in the yard He got put in for 12

While he was in the whole You know you can talk to each other Through the walls It was a guy in the cell next to him You don't see each other You just hear his voice Guys talking shit to him For about three years

Three years Three years guy's talking shit fuck you you're a punk you're a pussy i'll fucking kill you you ain't shit i know who you are you fucking pussy and and my guy's like all right you watch i'm gonna find you he gets out of the hole after 12 years his hair's long beard's long he go everyone's like yo welcome back man you know i need to get a barbershop goes to the barbershop starts leaning back and there's a guy in the chair beside him his eyes are close he's just getting his shit done here's the guy talking in the chair beside him

that was the guy he got up and fucking stabbed him and went right back in the hole for two more years at least he made a statement hey he wasn't the guy you were going to no there's guys that make you know and he's a little guy he wasn't like a big guy and he wasn't like a diesel guy he was like a guy

he'd be like I don't know I think easily could take the guy but nope he had a fucking streak in him he had something we don't have you know what I mean the ability to do something we would never have that I will never be able to do. Just listen, there's murder, and then there's doing 33 fucking years.

Oh, yeah. And doing 12 in the whole, I mean. 14. You know, I was talking to think Rogan on the phone, and we were talking about this whole thing in Milwaukee, Minneapolis. Minneapolis. And how that guy, they have to be watching him.

They have to, but his, he knows it. He knows that his end is going to be. a violent, very violent one. It's not going to be a fun end because if he gets convicted or whatever murder, yeah, they'll put him in where they put the rats,

you know, when people rat out protective custody. But guess what? They'll kill you in protective custody. Protective custody. Oh, yeah, he sees nothing. What's that shit that OJ's wife had a restraining order?

More people have died of restraining orders than die with... Oh, my friend told me. He was like, yeah, You can go to PC. We got guys on a... PC, you're done. Yeah, they got guys... Just a matter of time.

They got guys on their team... On their team. That will request PC just to go in the killing. Just to go and kill you. Right. There's tons of stories of people who have done you wrongly and have gone to prison. And we could get them. Once they're in prison, we know where they are.

And there's somebody who's got 80 years and their wife needs $2,000 to pay the mortgage. Oh, yeah. And they'll slice them up into pieces. There's, it's fucking easy. You go give the wife $2,500 to pay her mortgage and watch it on the news. They take his ears, they take everything, his eyeballs. By the time the cops get there, there's nothing left to donate. Yeah, there's nothing left to donate.

They take his nose. You know, that's the easy, that's why when you see all these people getting in trouble and they get these cops that get convicted or whatever, they did wrong. But when they go in, that guy is number. number one on the poster, public enemy is going to buy the song about the cop that killed George Floyd. So what, what made me one prison where there's not one black prison guard?

Right. And there's going to be three good white cops and they go, guess who's here? Yeah. He disgraced cops. So he knows. He might as well hang himself now, like to make it.

Yeah, he's not going to make it. He's not going to make it. He might as well kill himself. He's going to kill himself before trying. He's avoiding getting raped, stabbed. And he had a real rat face on him. Yeah, they're going to rape him. They're going to do a bunch of things to him.

He might as well tell his family just to kill him on visitation. And his wife left him right after that. Yeah, he's the kiss of death. That's why they got him on suicide watch. But those guys do not last. I don't care how PC, they go away. They'll send them to them. When you have 120-year sentence, you ain't going nowhere.

Yeah. And they've already exhausted your. appeal and you appeal three times, you're not going nowhere, but guess what? You got a wife and two kids at home, and they need money. So it's quick. It's like a quick deal. It's like code over the phone or you write a letter to him. He burns it, and he's on a mission from Satan. You get the money and usually you give the money when the job is done. I'll bring it to your wife right now, just to give you a little bit more incentive to let you know the guy you're dealing with. And it's I know when I did time I heard

some horrific stories and how guys were making a living inside inside contracts they happen all the time yeah inside's like a fucking inside it's a nightmare that's a complete different business that's why you don't that's why nobody does nothing

you don't worry about none he's going to go to jail we get him he's going to go to pelican bay and we're going to make a call wherever he goes wherever he goes we're going to make a call they'll send him I got a friend he's got a friend that's got a friend PC, though, just set you on fire in yourself.

Yeah. It's a very scary. I did a couple fucking months, and, you know, I felt comfortable after a while, but I knew where I was. You don't turn the lights off. You never turn the lights off. You know where you are. And you know anything

could bounce off on any fucking time. It's that quick. You're dealing with 90 people who have fucking tempers. Ten of them are nice people who did bad things, but there's 80 killings. who they got nothing to lose. They don't care.

By the time you get to some levels, like when I went to Ordway for a couple nights, and before I went to Camp George West, there's a prison in Colorado. They call Gladiator Heaven. That's where they send all the steroid people to the 21 to 26 that want to fight themselves to death.

That's probably sending you. They call 18 to 25. They call those places Gladiator Heaven. You won't make it. You won't make it. Those are for young kids. And then you move on. And once you get older, you're peaceful.

But there's always one motherfucker that thinks he's cute. And you have to establish yourself. That's good that you took care of them, bro. I appreciate you. You've been good to a lot of convenience. And a lot of people, I'm sorry. He passed on you and shit. That's one thing you have great karma, bro.

You helped a lot of people. A lot of my friends say you help them all the time. And that means that's why I check in on you. You know, you got to look at it. I'm the same as you. We look out for people. I look out for people. We're empathetic guys.

And we've seen some shit in our lives so we understand how bad it can get. You understand? I understand the plight. I understand. I've been there. Yeah. I've covered every emotion that people listen to this show covered. I've had a loss.

I've been addicted. I've been homeless. You know, I've struggled. you know, I've been there. You know, it's every situation. You want to know, I've been heartbroken. I've had a kid taken from me. I lost a kid on purpose because I was a junkie.

I mean, tell me, I've been through all the emotions you go to. And this is what I've always stressed with that's that. Just because you guys think we're living out of here, we put our pants on one leg at a time. Just like regular people. We've all had fucking crazy past, you know. I tell Lee all the time, go out there. Have a story.

Go get VD. Do something. Go get crabs. You just can't sit in your house. You're 31. You don't want to die, not having something. That's what it's all about is meeting a chick who says to you, let's go to my friend's house and you're like, okay.

And also, it's an orgy. And there's a white chick getting fucked by eight black guys in the ass. And they're all coming on the face. And you're sitting there like, hi. And you're uncomfortable. Outside of Boston. Oh, that's right. And you're uncomfortable.

You have to go somewhere where you become uncomfortable to really go home. and go wow i never want to do that again like it's it's just being uncomfortable at places yeah you need you need to see the bad in order to appreciate the good i guess i don't mind seeing the bad i don't really want to go to you don't have to be a part of the bad yeah the man slaughter and doing doing crap there's levels you don't have to go to that level yeah you're not the guy that they're going to be letting in anyway no thank god that's i'm fine with that so you got all these weeks going on brother, I'm fucking happy on the road, just working. I'm happy for you.

I had written an entirely new act before this whole shit happened. Did you? And I was like ready. It was ready. And I was on the road working it. And I was like, all right. I was in the polishing stage, you know. And it was about to all start in June.

And then this shit happened. And then I forgot it all because I don't write it down. Then I got on stage Thursday last week. Where did you go on stage last week? American Comedy Club. You went all the way down there? seven shows. Seven shows.

First night, couldn't remember my name. Second night, it all came back. How did you feel on stage after the first night? To be honest, with you, 10 minutes in, I wanted to get the fuck off stage. Why? So it's uncomfortable.

I was like, I can't remember anything. I don't even know what I'm doing this. So it was out? My head wasn't in it. Yeah, they're all sold out, but I mean, it's 100 capacity. You know what I mean? So, but now it's all good now. And what nights did you do?

Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday. One Thursday, two, Friday, two Saturday, two Sunday. Yeah, I need to start just one show. I think the first show is going to be enough for Uncle Joey. The first show, yeah, you're going to feel it at the first show. I will. You will. First show, you'll be like, oh, fuck, there's little things you may forget.

And then... Like what? I don't know, like little details about something. I mean... Oh, you're at. Yeah. I don't have an act now. Yeah.

There's no act. That's why part of me is happy that they canceled Braia. Yeah, give you a break. Give you a break. Because, no, I'm going back to do residential. Whatever the fuck. Oh, yeah, once a month? Twice a month in Brea and once in Oxnine.

Because I'll tell you, afterward, it's just a lot better for me. It'll give you an hour to work. Like, I have an hour to work instead of pieces of 15 minutes. Right. And I think at this stage right now, what I'm looking to do, That's the best thing I could do. Yeah. I'm not going to go out next year.

Once the soprano movie comes out, is it done? It's done, but they had to push everything back. You're in it? No, my friend's in it. Yeah, I'm fucking in it. The prequel. Unless they fucking come in out.

Is Mike in it? Is that why they were on Joe's thing? Mike and Steve? No, no, no. They're doing a really good podcast called the soprano podcast. I don't know the name of it. It's something. You know, Michael.

had the he wrote the script or the screenplay to Omerta and he never made it. This was like 20, no, not even 20. It was like maybe 17, 18 years ago he told me this. He had, he was working on that. Michael

Pireole. Yeah, yeah, he's a good writer. He's a great guy though. Is he great? He lives up here close to you, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, is it by me? I lost touch with him. I lost touch with him, but yeah. We used to hang out when he was shooting. We did a movie together in Toronto years ago. When they were hanging. Real actor, too. He's a real, real.

He's a fucking real. Serious fucking actor. He's a good actor. You could see him on Rogan. He was a little like he was out of his realm. He's an introverted guy. Well, Sharipa used to be the Booker for the Riviera, right? Very, very reserved.

He's great at what he does. He directed a few Sopranos. He wrote a few episodes of the Sopranos. So he really has it together. He's a together young kid. He's not just Spider who got shot. No fucking movie. spite of you, you fucking bullshit of you. We were at a bar in Toronto and like, it must

been 2002 and we're having some drinks. And this Indian dude comes up. He's like, oh shit, Russell Peters. He goes, oh man, he points to Michael. And he's like, that's amazing. Yo, do all you, do all the Indian actors and comedians know each other? And I'm like, huh? And he goes to Michael, what part of India you're from? And Michael goes, Calcutta fucking hilarious no he was good that was a good podcast

listen to Sopranos man is a great show that not a lot of people watch did you hear what they were saying that it's number two on HBO behind westward right now yeah and it hasn't been on the air for 13 years

I don't know how long you know the wire was apparently like a flop for the first three years but it's one of the best shows ever made. I'm thinking about putting it on again. Oh, that's a great I love the wire. How many seasons was four? No, it was more than that. I think it was

six. Really? Wow. There's two shows I'm dying to put back on again. The wire and the prison one from HBO. Oz. Oz. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I heard that one's intense. I haven't seen that yet. I had. Oz. I used to love Oz, too. I used to say, I used to say Oz was like sex

in the city for guys. Yeah. Oz is Oz was good. I don't know. And just about, about a month ago I go. And power, I like. Power. That's the guy that went to...

That was 50 Cent show. Oh, no, I never watched. It was on Stars. That was a fucking... I loved it a lot. I loved it. And they said that Harlem show was good. The King of Harlem.

Yeah, I got to watch that. That's one with Forrest Whitaker. Is it Forrest Whitaker? The other black dude? No, the other Black... Godfather of Harlem. The Godfather of Harlem. It's the other Black...

It's not Forrest Whiter? No, it's a guy from 8 Mile. The big black guy from 8-mile. That's a big. He was also on... Oh, you're talking about Omar Benson Miller? Entourage for football. What's on?

Yeah, Omar. Yeah, the ballers. Ballers. Yeah, Omar Benson Miller. He plays the Miami Dolphins guy. Yeah, no, I think it's... Yeah, I think that's who... No, no, it's...

It's Fores Whitaker. And it's funny because everybody thinks Omar is Forrest Whitaker's kid. Yeah, that's fucking crazy. I can't see without my glasses. I'm gonna type of... I've seen the fucking billboard, and that's all I know. What's it called?

Godfather, Harlem. God damn it. This fucking... sun tan. Ten days. It's still burning you? Bro, I rip off. My wife says she's been sweeping my skin for the last four days.

It hurts. Doesn't hurt anymore. Stop hurting after five days. It's just a burn. It's so fucking deep. I burned two years. It's Forrest Whitaker. Forest Whitaker.

I heard that's a great show too. Yeah, I'm going to see that. I can't believe you love all that stuff. I love you for that. You love music? You're still spinning at night? Still spend when I got time. downstairs the kids dance why you spend oh no my house that's in a whole other wing you

wouldn't even hear it really yeah so the spinning is somewhere else it's in the man cave so but you ever play for your kids i mean my kid well the problem is when the kids see it they're like they want to go i want a dj and then they want to just hit buttons and not and it bothers me i'm like listen you respect the art or don't fucking push the buttons you're scratching stuff yeah yeah i used to battle no shit yeah russell you're an inch interesting motherfucker man it never ends with you you joseph how dare you every week is a new fucking adventure so miami's ready for you you should not got to close that city by the time you you're gonna hope not i i'm looking forward to it you know and you trust everything the i had a chick

to blow off my dick there once did you in miami yeah if somebody's going to do blow off your dick it's going to be my yeah it was a small that's where they do the weirdest fucking things in the world. I had a chick who told me in Miami one night. If I could do a headstand, I could fuck her. And you should have seen me try to do a headstand, coked up. I tried like two times. She got up and left. No. You think I'm fucking kidding you. So it's anything as possible in Miami. Kill them next week. I love you to debt. What's your website? Anything? Russell peters.com. That's it. At Russell Peters on Instagram. You got a full schedule in North Carolina, Raleigh, Indianapolis, helium.

You're going everywhere. I'm going, I just got to go, man. Well, I wish you luck. I thank you for coming on the show on a Monday morning. Thanks for having me. You know, we've been talking about it for months actually. Yeah, man. We were going to zoom it.

We were going to face mask it. Like, Joey, I don't give a fuck. Let's just do it in person. I want to see you. I want to see you. The door is open. I got fucking lysol, chlorox. That's grace him to him.

Everybody gets a fucking in the Lysol. Just so they take that. bugs back home with them. I love you motherfuckers. Hold on one second. Let me read some ads to you. We're back like COVID. No big fucking deal. You didn't know COVID was making a comeback, get it together.

A bunch of fucking mooks walking around jumping up and down, hugging each other. What do you expect? Anyway, I hope you enjoyed the Russell Peters fucking little interview. I love Russell. He's a good man, solid. We did a nighttime one just to, you know, we're comics, man. And I came

to the solution that we were going to We used to do the show at night And all of a sudden we became Pussies and we started doing it at 9 in the morning Like little fucking pussy's that we are And we gotta go back to nights Because we gotta fill our nights We just sit there and

Every time Jeppley comes on I want to put a fucking knife on my throat So Thank Russell again for coming Listen, I got some dates For you protesters And want to come out with sticks and shit Come on down

The more you that come down The more fucking tickets I sell So keep it up, cock suckers Anyway, I got July 30th to August 1st at the Brea Improv. We should be open. I know a lot of you guys bought tickets. You know, I never wanted to fuck none of you guys

and fucking whatever. So we're coming. Plus, on top of that, I'm going to be doing a house residency there two Tuesdays a month and one Wednesday a month. One Tuesday a month up in Oxnard. I'll keep you guys posted.

Again, thank you very much for having me. But before we go, we got to talk about what we got to talk about. And you know what that is? On it. Let me spark another number. You know what I'm in the mood? You ever just been in the mood to smoke to go two-fisted in the morning?

Fuck it. I got a couple things to do nothing serious. There's no fucking, uh, my wife is taking on a bully, whatever today. So I'm good. So I got the afternoon to kick up and relax. I got to talk some shit with some people. But what are we talking about? You're talking about, uh, on it.

Oh, shit. That's right. Listen, I, I, uh, was going through some shit in March and I said, fuck it. I got to strengthen my mind. So what did I do? I went back to fucking basics. I went on alpha brain.

And after about fucking eight days, a couple strange dreams. One dream that I was a captain of a fucking ship and started sinking. And I started kicking Puerto Ricans off. Some shit like that. I don't know why I was kicking off. And then, you know, you got some weird dreams.

But after that, you mind just get sharper. I started focusing a little more. Am I writing comedy? I'm writing some things in but I saw the difference that Alpha Brain did for me. You know, I can sit here and tell you what's in it or whatever. I'd be blowing smoke up your ass. I know it's got something to do with New Tropics.

Look it up, read it. I tell you, it changed my fucking outlook. It changed the thing. I mixed it up with a little hemp. And it helped me with my workouts. A lot of people say I'm looking a little thinner. I'm still weighing close to it, but my body composition's changing because I'm a fat fuck.

It's moving from my ass to my ankles. Who the fuck knows? Anyway, what I'm trying to say to you is, On it is for real. Whether it's the alpha brain, the Shroom Tech, the Shroom Tech immune, which you need desperately right now, you know, plus your workouts, plus sleeping, plus putting the mask on, plus staying away from these creepy people with dirty fingernails, you know, you got to avoid so many fucking things today.

Listen, start from the inside, work yourself out. Onit.com right now. I can't help you with the club bats or the fucking kettlebells. But as far as supplements, I rock the motherfucking house. I'm getting you 10% off, delivered to your house. Pressing code. C-H-U-R-C-H like a motherfucker.

You understand me? The church is also brought to you by my favorite company you work with. I went after them because the product was so good. CBDLion.com. Creams, bad salts, tinctures, fucking gummy bears, you know, pens,

vapor pens. I mean, listen, go to CBDLion. I don't want you to buy nothing. Just go look. Go read. Go read. Go get educated on CBD.

As far as information, as far as pain, as far as insomnia, CBD lion has you covered. They're going to give you the fucking result for your fucking ailment. Whatever ailment you got, they got an answer for. That's how helpful they are. This is not no Swami from Salami at the liquor store that barely speaks English. And you want to buy CBD from them. How stupid are you?

Uncle Joe. always telling you go to cbdline.com right now take a look at what they got start with the raspberry gummies they're going to put you in a different planet an hour before you go to sleep at night okay and that's it and that's that go to cbdline dot com and press in church c h u r c h get 20% off the liberty house on your first order who does that for you fucking nobody it's wednesday the 24th my anniversaries next weekend i appreciate all the support love you gave me 20 years with the same woman. I couldn't fucking stay with the same woman for 20 minutes.

She got out of my face once I hit it with a shot of bad breath. But listen, this one stuck around. We're here. We're queer. You know what I'm saying? I want to shout out everybody who had my back. I love you, motherfuckers to debt.

If you're not fucking loyal and you don't have no friends, you have nothing in life. You guys proved that last week. So I love you to debt. Thank you for having my back. I want to thank the Christ's killer for helping me out

and being a soldier at debt. Listen, we're going to keep telling stories, okay? Nothing's going to fucking change. Next week I'm going to tell you about when I poked a guy in the eye, and we got a fucking, he walked around with a bandit for three weeks, and he couldn't go to the cops. I'll tell you that one. That's a good one.

Have a great weekend. God bless you. Stay black. Oh, I got a little surprise for you tomorrow, Thursday. You'll hear about a Friday, all right? So you guys know something's coming. I'm just giving you heads up because I love you. I can't say what it is, but you might be.

motherfuckers know what it is already. Don't forget. Look on your computer Friday morning. Stay black. Have a great week. I love you motherfuckers. Kick this me to Lee.