The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #799 - Eleanor Kerrigan

Episode Date: June 29, 2020

Eleanor Kerrigan, a stand up comedian seen on Comedy Central and Showtime, and heard as the cohost of "The Comedy Store Podcast," joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt LIVE in studio. Dont forget! The Church of What's Happening Now is now available on Spotify! This podcast is brought to you by: CBD Lion - For all of your CBD needs, from shatter to gummies, go to www.CBDLion.com and use code CHURCH for 20% off.  

Greetings from Podcastville. It's Monday. The fucking, who knows what day it is. I know it's the last motherfucker Monday in June. The rent is due on Wednesday. Taxes are due on the 15th. And unemployment ends on the 31st. So you better puck her up, motherfuckers.

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Kick this fucking mulee. There you go. No more fucking excuse me. This is the year of the fucking soldier. We're going in like fucking Marines. You understand me? Welcome to church, motherfucker. Monday to 29th of June.

I hope you're feeling better. I hope you're powdered your nuts. Last week was last week. This week is this week. Who gives a fuck? I got my girl Eleanor Kerrigan. studio. How are you, my love? Hi. Should I put my mask back on now that you're

smoking? Nah. We got the door open. I've never been high, but I'll get a contact high from you, Joey. Nobody gets a context high here. We got everything. We got liceol, we got fucking Ebola spray. I got the shit they sprayed in black people's eyeballs. What is that? In fucking Nigeria. This is the shit that just

is all over. Black Lives Matter. Fucking, you know, I'm just trying to protect myself. You know what I'm saying? It's a good day to be alive. Everybody's happy. Everybody's tip top two. How was Kansas? How was traveling as a Corona comic?

Now that I'm the Corona comic, I'm in that list. I'm so excited to finally make a group. No, the Corona, Kansas City was great, but I will say I was nervous, like, flying, only because I thought, I better get there early. They're going to take your temperature. They're going to do all this shit. They didn't do a fucking thing. I don't even think they checked my license.

I got to be honest. They don't give a fuck about flying now. Do you see what Americans doing, American in the United? They're not going to have any open seats. No open seats. No open seats. There was a guy. I had cuddled with a guy the whole way.

Oh, no. To and from. It was insane. No open seating. No open seat. It was nothing. They were on top of us. And then I was in the airport less than five minutes and almost killed somebody.

Because this guy, there was no flight that was leaving before 5.50 a.m. No fucking flight. And he was up my ass when we were going through the thing. And I'm thinking six feet, piece of shit, right? So then I go, you know what? You go. And I had put my stuff through. I go, just go.

And then he was, what do you call that, pre-check? Some shit that he'd have to go through the metal detector. So he walked around the side. And then my stuff came out first. So he picked my shit up. Put it on top of somebody else's to get his. And I go, am I allowed to kill him? And the lady just laughed.

She goes, oh, no, he didn't. And then she went on. over and took care of it. And I was like, Black Lives do matter. Get him, bitch. Get him. It was great. How was the whole comedy experience for you? Like when you got to the club? I was a nervous wreck, but I loved it. It was so freeing. It was so phenomenal. But like, I think we were talking about this before about doing material, old material or whatever, like BC, not before Corona. You know, Christ is gone. We're BC now before Corona. And so I was like, what am I going to talk about how am I

Bits gonna feel so I just for the first 40 minutes almost 45 the first night I did just the shit that's been happening during corona and I was like this felt great that's what I plan I'm doing yeah it was like clearing

and I mean of course you you know because you're living it like I write things down but you don't know if they're gonna work I'm gonna open up who's got toilet paper yeah you know what was the fucking I was the fucking I want to know right now.

What is the big deal? What I got 200 in here? Who went to the store and bit toilet paper? People need the machines. People fucking, they can't breathe. Yeah. And you got toilet paper. Why does everybody...

What fucking? Who's got toilet paper and explain yourself right now? I want somebody to get up and go, man, I still got a garage pool. Yeah. I don't know what I was thinking. People's houses look like a 99-cent storefront. I bought a truck full of truck toilet paper. Now I got stomach cancer.

You know what I'm saying? I haven't taken a shit in two weeks anyway. So what am I going to do with it? I got to put it on eBay. Cancer is toilet paper. Who wants it? Fuck it. It's Monday morning.

It was great. But also, this new thing with the women, middle-aged white ladies losing their fucking minds all over the place. You know, they're calling them Karen's or something. Well, my older sister's name is Karen, and she is pissed at all,

you motherfucker. She wants to fight. Whoever came up with that shit. She's like, you call me a Karen. I will knock you to fuck. out. Now, where is this North Hollywood Trader Joe? Oh, the Trader drill a while? You know that Macy's they knocked down?

Over on Laurel Canyon. Yeah, yeah. Where the Strip Club was. I thought it was Burbank. If you missed the stripped, if you miss your exit, we got to get off there sometimes. Like, there's nights I've been high, listening to a song. Yeah, and I got to, you know, there's nights I go the other way

from the Comedy Store. I don't go Laurel Canyon. Okay. I go a long way. It's Tuesday, so I'll stop at Joe's Pizza. And then I'll shoot up. Damn, yeah. And I go up to 101. And sometimes, you know, I fucking... Have you ever gone through the hills, like behind the store up, like Miller Drop?

Oh, I love it. Nothing scares the shit out of me more. And people do it to me all the time. I think it's because I'm a nice guy. They come up to me and they're like, hey, Joey, do you mind dropping us off up to hell? I don't know how many waitresses have asked me. You know when you just want to go home. You just want to go home.

30 seconds. I know, but not you. But it's not 30 seconds. Thank you, Lee. It's 30 seconds for an intelligent individual, okay? When you don't do Chris, Chris, Chris, listen, when you don't do Jigsaw apostles and you never were good at that game, what's that game with the, the, the, the, breakout?

I don't know, yeah. Shooting ladders? Pact, man. And you're supposed to make a left, but you make a right. That's not the guy you want driving up in the mouth. Okay, I get it. I used to live up there, so it doesn't bother me. One time he got me high, and I was at home by myself,

he dropped someone, he dropped one of our friends off from the ice house, like two minutes from the ice house. He called me, expected me to know where to get where he was, and I sent him the wrong way. Oh, no. He's been here for like 20 years. I've never gotten yelled at that before. I sent him up the 210 the wrong way.

I got two in the morning. All you want to do is get home. You got a piece of shit language in your ass. And you're tired. You just did two shows. Plus, you're already going to have insomnia. And all of a sudden, he tells me to go, and it wasn't his fault. You know, number one, I should not be dressed.

People should know this. But don't you have an iPhone? I mean, is this ass-down-playing devil's advocate here. Thank you, for him. Let his face. He's calling me on an iPhone. Listen, if I had a tank with military instructions, I'm never going to press the button that lady comes on and says,

and 2.3 miles make a left. That's never going to happen in my world. Why? That's what they make it for it. You should do it. Because if she talks, then she got to talk back to her. I'll say things to her she's never heard before. She can't hear you anyway.

Listen, yes, she can't. They hear everything. Listen, my daughter fuck Siri up. You know, Siri on the iPhone? Yeah, yeah, yeah. She hates my daughter. She hates Mercy. Why?

Mercy torments her. Mercy just doesn't ask her, how long does it take the Nashville? Mercy, you go, what if I have one foot in a roller skate? And then she keeps stormy. You should always try to break an app. I'm proud of her. Fuck you.

And Mercy just sits there with her little face. Like, what did I do wrong? Oh, you asked the 18 questions. She's playing 20 questions. So you can hear the chick go bo, boom, boom, boom. And then she starts stuttering. You ever hear sorry stuttered? Like Lee?

I've never done that one. I've never talked to Siri. She tortured Siri so bad. She just went off. Like, bloop. And my daughter's like, Siri come back. Who wrote this song? Siri come back. Siri come back.

Should be a song. Oh my God. That's amazing. Yeah, I've done the Ways app or the whatever and gotten lost. Ways is the worst. Ways is. Ways takes you out 18 miles. You've used Ways? No, but you did one time. I almost stabbed you. Next thing you know, we're in Chicago. They'll take you back. We're in Chicago. We're headed to Irvine. I just 30 minutes of Chicago to go to everybody

Yeah they try to take you on back roads And then they get lost I think Yeah I swear I think they get lost Because I'm like you don't know this fucking back road See I used to live up on Kings Road So behind the comedy store I lived me Richie Taylor the manager

We lived in 1501 Queens Road Queens Road yeah that's what it was Not Kings Queens So because they're two side by side Queen and Kings So we lived on Queens Road So I was always up there And then working for Mitzie, I was always on Crest Hill because she still had the house.

She didn't sell it until early 2000s, maybe. Took a long time to sell that one. But the Crestle was up there. So I was always up that hill. So it's simple for me. I already know how to like navigate around it. And when I first moved there, I used to walk all the hills. So I was like, oh, this connects.

Oh, you can drive through here. So if I'm all the way at Sunset Plaza, I can get to the comedy store through the hills. Jesus. The last time my dad was here. It's my favorite thing to do. I got too high and I kept missing turns, but you can't really do a U-turn on those hills. I went all the way from here.

They're like this big. Oh, it was terrifying. It took me like 45 minutes. I'm very, very good Hollywood sunset. You go through side streets and like alleys in Hollywood. I know everything. If the cops chase me, I will lose you. Right.

That's my thing. That's why I'm really good at now and where I'm going. Years of running. And Hollywood, no, Hollywood just has, you know, Hollywood has traffic. Listen, we all have traffic in cities that doesn't have to happen. It's that we're all pointed at that same direction. If you do your, okay, when I used to live with Terry, we lived on Schrader. Right.

Off the sunset and summer. Right by the Hollywood, why? Right by the Hollywood Y. And I had two choices when I left at night. I could shoot down to sunset, make a right, catch Highland traffic, catch LeBreira traffic, and then once you hit, we're talking about 2001, 90, 2000 to 2006. Once you hit Laurel Canyon, it was bump of the bump on the side of the night.

I still remember telling me. Marilyn Martinez and the husband God rest their soul to get in the middle lane. We got a spot. Just get in the middle lane and cut all through. And we ran right into his sheriff and he gave us all tickets. We got to the store late because

between all the rock clubs all those artie-fartee clubs, it was bumper to bumper. So then I figured out a way. Here's the way. Avoid all that shit. You hook and you stay on Selma. There's a light there. It's summer again.

Mm-hmm. All the way to you hit like... What's the other one? Curzon. No, Curzon didn't have a light. The one by coaching horses, you go down. It's a one way. It's a one way.

After sunset. You go down that way, and that takes you down to what Kenneth has said, not to drink when you drink. Fountain. Fountain. And Fountain would take me to the bottom of the Mexican... Sweetser. Sweetser, you pop up,

you make a left, and it was still drama between the coach house, the standard. The goddamn, uh, it was still on that. Saddle ranch, whatever the, but I avoided 30 minutes by doing that. One time I had Joey, I'm not even sure why,

because I know I wasn't doing stand-up, but it was me, you, Schubert, in my car, I was driving to the store, and I was going up, sunset, I mean, um, Sweetser from fountain to sunset. And I was about to make the left and Joey

go, don't miss that fucking light, Coxucker. You miss that light, we're here for another fucking hour. And you're like yelling in my ear and I'm like gunning it of my little Toyota's yourself. Yellow don't mean dick. Yellow means step on it where I come from. I see a yellow or you're going. And a little bit of red, who cares about that. And if it's a little red, we just

scream it and get it through that light, Gachzaka. I'm like, what the fuck? They ain't no cops around. Every day I make that when I would go to the store, I'd think of you. Now that we live in the same building, or I had a friend that lived in your building, and I would go over there. Oh, yeah, on Martel. Yes, Martel. Yes.

So you lived on Martel in 98, 97. You lived there from 97. I lived there for 12 years. And I lived around the corner with Josh Wolf on Vista. A Vista. It was Marta. I don't know why I make it Gardner a lot of the times. What was Cartel?

It was Martel, Vista, Gardner. I think it was, yeah. Sierra Bonita. That's it, yeah. Curzon. So you and a gay guy lived. My roommate. Not the roommate.

Oh, somebody else. Some gay comic from the comedy store lived on Martel. Oh, okay. Josh Wolf, lived on Vista. Ralphie lived on Gardner. Oh, we? Which, oh, okay. Mitch Hedberg lived on Sierra Bonita with Nick DePaolo.

Wow. Wow. And Doug Stanhope lived on. Dougie's building had a lot of people in. That was party central. Right. Yeah. That was party central in the low rent apartment.

Right. Because it was down the corner from. Didn't Jody and them live in there too? Jody moved in 98 and all that stuff. So Stanhope lived across the street. All Stanhope had to do is wake up, walk, walk, two blocks across the street and he'd be a coaching horses.

Yes. So everybody went to coaching horses. That was the main thing. Right next to Samuel French. Right next to Samuel French. I probably gave them $150,000 to become a moron. Some people give a college

$100,000 a year. Same. And they're still morons. I have so many fucking plays. So if you owe student loans right now, I do not want you to feel guilty because we gave a guy named Samuel French a wing to his the door yeah I do not throw away it's probably still open that's close and horses is closed I don't

even know well they're closed just an agent books within the last year last two okay because it's not that long first a one up here closed I don't know the guys remember there was one up here by the McDonald's no street right there I went to Playhouse West three years yes there was one right there and there was one on sunset. You know, how much money, acting class. When I was, when I talked to you about me and Eleanor, we used to have a lot of conversations about acting.

I was obsessed. Eleanor used to date an agent that was a big time that went off the, she was engaged to him. My first ex-fiance. And he went off the deep ends. He was a typical agent. He was Jerry McGuire with a Colombian guy next to him. He was different than Jerry McGuire because he,

got fired for catering to his black clients. And then when he got fired, they all left with him. So he was like a, his clients were Martin Lawrence, Chris Rock, Tommy Davidson, Adele Givens,

I'm no I'm missing somebody. Martin Lawrence, I said, right? Martin Chris, that was his big guys. Oh, and Russell Simmons, who had this idea of like,

hey, we should start a black comedy show. Def Jam. So they all were partook in, all of that every single thing I'm trying to think of who else he had like Ricky Harris all those guys every black comic left with him and then they became

superstars and then William Morris brought him back and then he went off the deep end but he's better and he's married and has a kid so I'm happy for him but I would have had 10 children with him had he kept his shit together this was what year 97 when I met in 96 I started dating him like 94 yeah I met him right

when I first moved, I started 93 at the store and then I met him. He was like coming in. He would come in with Worthy Patterson. Remember Worthy? Worthy is his best friend. I should have known. Sorry, Worthy. I should have known. Worthy is very good. I love Worthy.

Where is he? She's great. I still talk to him every once in a while. Yeah, I will. Because I talked to Michael Hubbard still. Very honest. Worthy? Yeah. He told you. It was on his mind. He told you what he could do for you, what he couldn't do for you? of you and he told you when he couldn't do something for you and you couldn't take offender that you'd put your head down and turn away but then you go how many people haven't been honest with me right use this guy's honest with me he bought me a lunch he bought me when bobby lee tells that story about us being poor yeah and that's funny you brought him up but yeah yeah me and bobby were no food to eat pretty much three days away from homeless at the fucking latino laugh festival it was him

who took us out to dinner when he found out we had no money nothing yeah worthy's a good guy i i mean i break his balls because i know a little too much but um he he's very funny whatever he's very honest but we were doing a show from michael hubbard for this um i'm i'm gonna slip on what the benefit was for but it was to raise money for schools or something inner city schools and worthy showed up because hubbard is martin's guy he does everything for martin for years and from all way back with Billy. I think he's like his manager or something. So Hubbard was there.

So Worthy showed up. And so we're in the back talking like it's 1999. You know, we go way back. So we're laughing and joking about something. Then Bobby Lee comes up. And Bobby was like, Worthy,

if you're still mad at me, immediately turned into it. Because he didn't sign with him. It was such a thing. We left that Saturday from dinner. We're going to sign with you. Thanks for dinner. Bobby did sign with him?

Did he? Yeah, yeah. It was great. But he didn't pay, he didn't pay him or he didn't pay somebody residuals and they had a fight over it. Not residuals, you know, commission. And I don't know if it was worthy, he didn't pay or another manager. I forget, but they immediately, and Worthy was like, I don't give a shit, but they immediately went at it. He's like, you should have done it.

You should like, it was like nothing left. They were still on that fight from the day they. But then they hugged and they were fine. It just made me laugh so hard. But Bobby did sign with him. That's why we had a big fight with him. Because me and Freddie told him not to sign with Worthy. Sorry, Worthy.

But he knows all this. It's crazy how we were my fucking kids. Just kids. Well, people don't realize we. I got you in the end of the day to cover a couple things. But I wanted people in the new state of mind. Like, we had this thing come out with the video with Rogan last week. Right.

Made a lot of people open up their eyes. And I'm not mad at you. Like I said, said on the Instagram, I want women to take a stand, but it's where it's going. What I wanted to do today, since Eleanor was there from 97, 93. 93, it was give you the state of mind of what was there. Now, something I brought up that was really, when it first came out, a lot of people ran for the hills, and it was the movie by Motley Crew.

Oh, dirt or whatever? The dirt, right. And if anybody knows that movie, the opening scene is a party above the whatever. And they come in and, you know, they're Motley crew. They're just the best band on the Sunset Strip at the time. They're not even the Kings of Rock yet. Or maybe they are. And some chick, they sit it down in front of 30 people.

She spreads her legs. Tommy leads a pussy or a little. I don't know which one I have. I remember it. Yeah. And she sprays the room with fucking juice. She was talented and she wanted to showcase her talents. And I don't, I'm not mad at her for that.

You look at that as a non-member of a band, not music band. You look at that as a normal human being, especially in these times. And you look at it and you go, what type of fucking behaviors that turned that off? Who would do something like that? In my world, with people forgetters, I'm a fucking prude, and I'm a Catholic. I was raised to be a prude. And I'm still very prudish. I don't do a lot of things that most guys do.

That's so funny to hear you say that, but I like it. I'm not a playboy guy. Right. I don't like porn. If there's a chick fucking on my Twitter feed, I'll watch it. How weird is that? That she's sucking three black dicks on my Twitter feed. I got to watch it.

Another talented young lady. Don't hate. Don't hate. They do it so quick. You can't even bang one out. Don't get me wrong. Yeah. First of all,

I wouldn't bang one out in the eye on the computer because God knows who's got your eye and you when you're banging out. Yeah, Tripoli's got all my shit covered. Come tongue hum, everybody else, whatever's name is. But, you know, you see all these things.

I'm not a porno guy. I've never been. That makes sense. I see what you mean. I went to a triple X on the Sunday night because my friends had to go and some guy tried to like fucking, not touch me in the bathroom,

but he said creepy things to me when I was 18. In Jersey, they had tripped on theaters that were disgusting during the week. They showed three movies, $2, $2 during the week. And on Sundays, they had a triple X bar. And one night we went, it was just fucking pedophile. Like, that's what they take you on a pedophile school trip. Yeah.

Like when you're in a pedophile beside the prison, they'd take you the triple X show on Sundays. And these fucking dudes would be doing every. You could smell sperm in the ear, your feet are sticking. Ew. You're stepping on fetuses, just, you know, abortion doctors are there, scraping up shit as they should be. Just creepy shit, you know, and I went to one of those and it wasn't for me. But do you love pussy?

Yeah, you love the idea of love. You love the idea of eating ass. You're a hopeless romantic, jelly. You know, so for right now, people are looking at the article they're planning on doing is looking at comedy as a whole with the comedy store, being the epicenter. Cock suckers. And how that, no, and it's not because for years, Kennis and stories came out of the comedy store.

And now they're, you know, coming again with our friend, Crystal Lee, it was an undergraged, underage girls, which I never saw him with. Did I see him with pussy? Like, you thought he was fucking running a Miss America contest. God bless him. For there was years, I thought, like, he's just a host of Miss America contest. Yeah.

They're all trying to take him out to dinner, explain to him to him. They walk off the stage and they go, Chris. What do you want to do for the world? Well, I want to start with world peace, and I want to bring apples back. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. And I want to meet Chris Dalia.

Yeah, so I thought Chris was just running the world. Yeah, I didn't know they were under it. I would never think of it. But I was thinking of it. As a joke or no joke, nobody in this table knew any idea of underage stuff. Whatever's been coming out has been coming out. It's news to us. There's no cover up.

There's no nothing. But I was thinking of this. Like the comedy store is 21 and over, right? So it's a little harder to sneak in if you're 16, 17, right? Especially now. Now it's ridiculous. Now it's like Fort Knox. But before, the laugh factory and the improv have always been 18 and over.

Always, because they serve food. So we didn't have food up until recently. And then I was pissed. I was like, you're not going to change the age limit, right? Because the comedy store is wild. And it works better as 21. and over. So what I'm saying is these girls could have been sneaking it.

It's easier to sneak in if it's 18 and older and you're 17. Meet Chris and I'm not saying like if he did something wrong. That's terrible. But it's a lot easier at 17 to go meet a guy at a comedy club that you've been dying to meet. You know what I mean? Like I was sneaking in clubs

when I was 15 years old. Well, even without the Chris Delia thing, like it blew my mind when I moved to L.A. that people drink like even regular jobs. people would go and get hammered at lunch. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, my mom.

Yeah, yeah. I know what you're saying. Not to make excuses for it, but this is a different town. This is the town of when I moved here, you had open bars at Christmas parties. And people would get hammered. This is the first place I saw Coke. Oh, really? Oh, yeah.

Where did you grow up in a bubble? Yeah. Okay. I mean, yeah, I mean, I don't speak for all of Boston, but for a suburb kid. Boston? You're going to bring a Boston to me? Suburbs. No, no, yeah.

I was a very, the worst. White, I'm the poster child for white privilege. But it's, I think there's a lot of people who didn't grow up seeing this. Some people who did. Like Lexington? Yeah, right, right. 20 minutes from there. But it's just like this is a, it's hard to judge this city based off of like normal business practices.

It's, I mean, it's just, it's apples and oranges, I think. Oh, absolutely. And I have seen 1% of it. I can't imagine being there every night and having access to drugs and having all the extra or no money. Like it's just, it's, it's, uh, this is a very different place.

I think. I think like you, you might be right. I mean, I just, I grew up different. I grew up in South Philadelphia. Drugs were always around. People did them. People didn't do them.

Some people did crazy things on them. Some people didn't do anything. They just existed, you know, functioning drug addicts, whatever. And like I said, I was 15. I was in nightclubs taking pictures of people. My friend hired me in her after-hours nightclub to take pictures. And I was wearing like a little dress that was the size of a scrunchy.

And it was like fluorescent. And I would go around taking pictures of people and charge them $10. But they hired me to do that. Like she didn't know I was that young. I was like, yeah. And then my older brother who worked with her was like, yeah, yeah, she's fine. Because I was 15 going on 35. Like, we grew up different.

We, you know, I'm one of ten. I've, my dad moved out when I was seven. So we were like, wild, because my mom would call us wild Indians, not to be racist, but she kind of is. But in a fun way, like, she would be like, you guys are wild. Like, you know, she would try to control, how are you going to control 10 kids? Six boys, four girls. In a, in South Philly, we, you know, are. I have friends that are doing life in prison.

I have friends that have been killed by cops. I have watched cops beat people. Like, nothing is surprising to me. Like, I'm not sure what they're going to. So when I moved to Hollywood, yeah,

you see a different element, but I saw, and this is going to sound crazy, but I saw a more privileged element. Like, if people had credits, they got away with things. If people had,

you know, money, they got away with things. I was like, oh, wow, okay. It's funny that now, because of what I found about people making calls to Seattle and Denver.

It's so crazy. They're going to go after comedy scenes in general and then comedy as a whole and where it's gone and where it's happened. And I can tell you something, you know, let's go back to July of 91. I get into comedy, I'm just happy that people accept them. I'm doing one gig a month. I get into a contest. I win the contest.

I become the house MC of this place. This is Denver or Seattle? This is Boulder. Boulder, Colorado. I started in Denver. Now I'm in Boulder. I dig this waitress. She's got a boyfriend.

Nothing happens. I dig this other waitress and we start dating. You know, so the whole year and a half, she drops a bomb on me. She's going to see it in New York to be a PR chick. And I start dating her roommate until February of 93. Okay. And then, you know, that was really, my whole comedy scene at that time was the broker, my house,

and every once in a while I get to ask, do a gig on a Saturday night. I really wasn't committed to comedy. So it was like, it was just me getting my feet wet. I was learning just Mondays was mind-boggling because it was $15 for a steak. Yeah. And the comedy and the ticket, and people really went to get the steak. And they gave you a shrimp bowl. so you had to be funny than a shrimp bowl

fucking nobody is funnier than a shrimp bowl when you have it eaten all day and fucking you know what I'm saying so it was a real adventure for me to learn I love nobody's okay so when I went to New York and in New York you have no friends right I did comedy for nine months and the only guy I knew was Mike Bichetti

I didn't make any girls I didn't meet nobody there they're foot soldiers out there Then I went to, I said, let me go to Colorado. And that's when I turned down the comedy heat. And that's when I became part. You become of clicks. Sure.

You become part of the open mic click and they accept you. And then you take a chance and do a gig with a feature actor. And now he invites you to that feature of click. Mm-hmm. Where even the emcee gets $15 and you get a free drink ticket. And now there's women at those shows and talk to you and this new female. comics. There's new female comics in the new comic. Yeah, sure. But we're all just around each other.

Right. And then one day you get to do a show and you get to meet one of the areas biggest headliners. And he invites you to a barbecue. So now you're part of that. And that was one of the best times of my life in Boulder when I was part of all three crews. I got to hang out with, you know, open micers on Tuesdays and Thursdays. and then Wednesdays and Thursdays. I hung out with guys of the feature acts. And then little by little, boom, comedy works came, and I started doing guest spots and blah, blah, blah.

What's her name, Wendy? Comedy Works? She's great. She's great. And when I started going with the features, they were the wildest. The open micers were okay, but they went home.

They had day jobs. The features got a little taste of something. That's what it was. The features snorted Coke and got together after the fucking comedy gigs. By the way, not all of us do that, but like... Yeah, just the features. If you were going to take a percentage... These were features, MCs, guys that were going to not favorable places.

But we were in the game. Yeah. These guys were in the game. And they had bitches hanging around, you know. Little girls that hung around. Some of them wanted to be comics. But I have a different message. I'm working on it.

the package It's more spoken word Yes it's more spoken word With grenades going off You know It's like apocalypse now Meets fucking Muan What's it Chinese?

Mu Han Whatever about Muha Oh shit She's not Chinese Is she? I like it My daughter was giving me

A beat about Moulan That's great Yeah So You know You make these girls And you snorke up with them And

What I was for When I went back in 94, I just walked into nothing but trouble. Like I walked into going to war with my ex-wife. And then I knew a guy and we were tight and I knew his girlfriend and they were tight. And they had a kid and one night I saw on an open mic and she's like, I've been dying and talk to you and me and him are done. I think it's me and you time to get together. Also, I'm living in a hotel with her, the kid.

an ounce of coke. Sounds like a fun day. He would come pick up the kid. I'd leave and I come back. And it was just three months. And then finally when they came to me, he goes, I'm trying to get back with her. Stop giving a stab and you're driving her crazy.

And I walked away from her. And then, you know, it was just a life of fucking mayhem. Yeah. That people, the general eye does not understand that it's just mayhem. Like one night we were talking at a bar and 12, and they were having sex with. Coke and shit like that. And then I didn't have any

girlfriends. I swear to God. You didn't have any, like, friend-friend girls. In 1995? Interesting. I didn't have a girlfriend. I had Eleanor who texted me every 10 days to see if I had blow and I go, yeah, are you by yourself? Yeah, I am. And come over. I like that you said Eleanor.

I've never done coke in my life. Don't be coming over here. I'll take a stabbing from the old day. Don't be coming over here with a friend. You know if you come to my friend. Oh, I see what you mean. Yes. And most guys do that. Yeah.

Don't be bringing people. I only got coke for two people. And as this, I'm going to give you aspirin. Don't bring a group. Don't bring a group, Brit. I'm going to see how fuck. I get it. You know, it was just a...

I do you mean. Yeah, yeah. It was a way of life guy. And I had three of those. So it was any week, I could get a call from one girl on a Tuesday night when I was snorting. I'm just getting back from an open mic. You know?

And then what do you think happens when that? I go to this comedy. We do Tuesday nights at the Comedy Works. And we're all there. The features, the emcees, the open mics, and they close it up, and we're drinking. And you have to, at that time, it was like going into a coliseum and a girl, and one of the girls was like,

Joey, and she jumps at me, and I grab her. I give her a hug, we go to the bar. Do we snort Coke? No. Do we fuck? Do I try to fucking know? Three days later, I'm getting a call from Wendy. You got banned. You grabbed her ass. I go, ask her. I didn't grab her ass.

Yes, you did. Then I came to find out the manager made up a lie, and they redeemed me. And I bumped into Wendy's at one of the festivals. And she's like, I know you're mad at me. Well, I'm not mad at you. Why would I be mad at you? You saved my life.

I would have been in jail for murder. Yeah. Because I would have killed my ex-wife, and look what you did. You fucking threw me out, and it was the God brought me here. Right. And Wendy goes, you know what? I'm lifting the band because it was always bullshit anyway. So there's smoke this fire.

You understand? me, then you have a thing called the road. When you go on the road, if you don't believe me, don't listen to me. Pick any artist you like and read their life on the road. Yeah, on the road. They're going to tell you that women come and go, and I don't know why they come and go. And at that age, you're not even thinking about it. You just got lucky.

You don't have to deal with them again. You weren't looking to fall in love. Right. And you get in your car. And then I go to Seattle. Seattle, I'm up there with a girlfriend the whole time. So there was no outside. Towards the end, I dated a little girl for a while.

Don't say a little girl. Bad, yeah, yeah, yeah. Bad back acne. Oh, stop it now. Every time I try to hug her, the acne would be bad. And she didn't have acne. Oh, please, I can't. She had those little markings.

You see this little tick that comes out of my stomach. What do you call those? Oh, yeah, like a little mole. Skins have kind of thing. She had thousands of them on the back. Joey, that's like an oaf. That's a fucking. So I moved to LA.

I moved with my girlfriend. And then we broke up like in 90 fucking 7. She moved back to Michigan. And I was out of here by myself. And my road got my towed. My apartment got towed. Your apartment with your car? Yeah.

I lived on Ralphie May's floor. And here I am at the store. Did you live with Ralphie? I lived on this floor and I got out and took a shower at the store at 915. Sure. Sure. So many homeless people take a shower in the main room. And then I come back at 7.15 and take another shot.

Chewley would say, why are you here so early? I got to look at something in the main room. I got to be in the main room. I had a bag with gel. Yeah. Foot stuff with my foot fungus. You take a shower at the store. You got to be careful.

Yeah. It comes with it. Yeah. Do you remember Mac Lindsay? Do you remember him? Yeah. Oh, he was so fucking funny. Where is he?

He's in Texas, I think, right now. but he was living in New York. Funny kid. Funny. On to something. So fucking crazy. He was just a little deep. Obsessed.

I love him. I love them too. But he literally was like living out of a van in the back of the comedy store. And he would take a shower. But he wasn't quiet about it. Like Mac was the kind of guy that would just be quiet like whisper. So he would come out on the main room stage in a row. There's no show going on.

This is daytime. And the manager would walk in. What do you do in? Dean Gelber, bro, what are you doing? And Mac would be like, taking a shower, but he'd have a robe.

It was crazy. It was unbelievable. It was one of my favorite people of the world. And again, I do not want to, let's just go back to the three histories. The Lafactory really had no history of my life.

It had a history of just a club. It's very small, too. Lafactory. The Improv's history was known for, let's be honest, as the improv was Robin Williams, Bud Friedman, the evening at the improv. Sure.

Why are you giving them Robin? I mean, I like it, but let's just... I can't think of the guy's name right now. They had a certain... Seinfeld. Yes, they preferred a working comic. To a certain comic. But the comedy store, since the night I was reading the Belushi thing.

Oh, yeah. And De Niro and Robin Williams were at Mario and Charlie's up the corner where the union became where did Dean Cain become the king with Oh, Dean Cook, the Jesus, what the hell was it called, Jay? The Dublin's.

The Dublin's. My God, I'm Irish. Before it was Dublin, it was called Mario and something. Okay. And there was a hangout. And they also did comedy there. And De Niro and Robin Williams. And the bungalows are right there.

Fucknut was across the street at the bungalows, Balushi. Balushi. Shooting Coke. And I like to say Robin and De Niro walked to the comedy store to see if Pryor was there. Yes. To walk back to do Coke with Belushi in that room. Yeah. Pryor had left with the pointers sisters.

And they walked over there and found the cocaine. Right there. a child, my curiosity opened up. Yeah, you're like, wait, this is the legendary. The mirror went to the comedy store. Yeah. And then, you know, before I lived in Seattle,

somebody gave me the fucking Kenneson book. Oh. The biography by Kenneson. If you just read Wired by, I can't remember, everybody's in it. It's all about S&L.

Right. SNL. Wild. Right. So you read all this shit. So this isn't new to people. And you hear this shit. For me, from what I had heard, the beatings, the Angels Salazar's, the Knessens, the girlfriends, the abortions, the Mitzie, the way of it. I chose the comedy store. The comics I had worked with on the road from James Stevens III to Lewis C.K.

At that time, Doug Stanhope. All these guys are like, the store is waiting for you. And I'm like, really? And they're like, people would ask me two things from day one. As Sheripper met you and has Mitsia met you. Since day one, those were two people. But people always ask me if I knew. But I feel like the store, it's so big.

And it was so easy to get lost in there. And there were so many dark corners, if you will. Now, you were there in 93. What was the store in 93? Well, when I, like I said, when I first got there, I was new. I was like, okay, what is this? You know, it was wild.

And they had just had the 92 riots. They had just had that Rodney King. All that nonsense was just happening. I remember my mother being like so nervous. Like, there's riots. I'm like, yeah, but it's, I'm sure it's like Philadelphia. You know, what am I going to be afraid of L.A.? I'm from Philly.

We have the same ship, whatever. So I remember going and we had Monday nights. It was the old black night. Eddie Griffin ran a room. every room was all black shows which was great like they were fun but they were wild and they were wild in that like they would always I remember my friend Gabriel she somebody said to her hey can you bring a drink to so-and-so and they said the name and she brought a drink and here it was a gang rival and a big bra broke out in the OR it was awful and gabriel was just like

crawling out of there this is like this gorgeous blonde And they used to call her Susie Chapsick every single time we work together in a black room. So whatever. But Gabrielle could hold her own. So she didn't care. But we were, they'd have a ashtray off the wall. We used to have those metal ashtrays, remember though? Fucking wung it at her.

Like, it was wild. So my idea was like, okay, it was like being in the streets. Do you know what I mean? Like, fuck, there's urban shows. I just go right back to that mindset. Then there was a shootout. then Mitzie got nervous. Tupac was there.

Not that night. Not this one. That's another shooting. There's been a few of those. The reputation was bad. Because when I came here in 96, the guy I came down here to audition and I stayed in the studio city

real close to here. I still see the guy around town that I stayed with. He did a favor for a friend of a friend. He was a writer on Mad TV. He was very nice. nice to me. He took me. I stayed with him and his wife showed me hospitality. It took me to the Japanese arsons. I don't even know what that means.

Up the corner. There used to be a Japanese place where he'd sing on the table and karaoke. I don't want to work. I don't want to play on these things. I wouldn't go there. It was like Muso and Franks, the Japanese tourists. They had a line out there. Not Miss Sally's. I mean, that's another singing. Right here. Right near the store? Oh, no. Oh, okay. I'm sorry. I'm going. Japanese joined in the valley.

What the fuck was it? They burnt it down. It was called Tokyo Dells. Tokyo Dells. Oh, wow. I've never heard of that. They took me to Tokyo Dells. Very nice.

I showcased and I still remember going, he goes, is there anything you'd want to do after you showcase? Because he drove me down to the Laugh Factory. You showcased it? The Laugh Factory for the Latino Laugh Festival. Oh, okay. In 96. Yeah.

And I didn't meet anybody. It was very cold. I was like, man, this place is fucked up. And I had two connections, real weird. I had the connection of my friend that Ron hooked me up with that took me to the laugh factory. And I drove from Seattle. Okay. So you're by yourself.

18 hours straight. Wow. But then when I was at the laugh factory, I had excused the guy who drove me down. And he waited. Well, I went to the deli next door. What's the deli next to the Laugh Factory? Greenblatt. And spoke to a friend of mine that my Gumban jersey, his wife, her brother, was in like five movies.

Oh, okay. So I met with him. And he's like, here's the advice I got to give you. Come back. You go into this acting class. He was like us. He was like us. He was just a working student.

and he had gotten into a hot movie with John Van Claude Dome, whatever's name. John Vaude. John Claude Van Dam. It was about a time machine. How high am I? It was about a time machine or something. Well, it only makes sense. And he did really good.

But the real thing why I met him was, he was Jason Scott Lee's, Jason Bruce Lee's son's roommate for two years. And he had become dear friends with him. Wow. So I went to meet with him to talk about that. We just talked about a lot of things. You're your Kung Fu guy. Yeah, that's you. He told me all this dumb shit.

You told him you invented it? No. He told me all this dumb shit about Hollywood to avoid if I moved down here and to call him when I came down here. And years later, he called me, he goes, what the fuck? You're doing better than I am. I go, yeah. Thank you for taking me to watch. Because he went dead after that movie.

And I moved down here and started putting commercials and TV. I'm watching everywhere. What the fuck? Isn't that weird? I should have charged you for that talk. You know. But I went to the store and I knew who was home. It was dark.

The Land of Misfit toys. I felt something weird in there. And then we have to go back to Sundays and Mondays where I used to host for Mitzie. They'd give me a list of the people I call in. Were we just Mondays at that point? At that point, it was Sundays. I mean, I'm sorry, just Sundays. Because it was Monday, she moved it because of Monday night football.

Getting off flights and going straight to the store on my luggage. Right. And putting it into the waitress station, washing my face, washing my hands, and going and doing 10 to 11. She dug me, she gave me the $25 door spot from 8 to 10. You did the door spot? Fuck, yeah. I don't think I remember you on the door. Nobody does.

How long did it land? About a year and a half. It was like a thank you for hosting. It was a little extra something for you. What do you actually stand at the door? I would stand at the door. And most people's balls, let me see your ID. What was the day of your birth?

What country you were born in? The back. You were the OR back? Yes. Wow. So at 10 o'clock, I relieved that to somebody. That post disappeared. I picked up a check for 25.

I like that you had your own thing going on. Please. The post. I don't know what that means. And then I'd go host at 1025. Now, again, I got the small 25 to host. Do you think at 400? You got less than that on the door, right?

Or was it 25? I got 25 on the door and 25 to host. So it's 50. Yeah, yeah. 50. 50. Oh, you mean QM together? 50, yeah.

Oh, see, you would get 25 to host. I'd walk 50. I'd walk out of Sundays with 50. Okay. Now, so Joey didn't have it any easier. I said, let me throw an extra kick on this. Why am I up here arguing with these guys that I'm never going to get a spot? Yeah. Even if God wants them to it, because Mitzie's going to scratch. Oh, no. These motherfuckers. And even if you slept with Mitzie, it wasn't a guarantee to get a spot. You could have pitched a tent out there and been number one since Sunday.

Fucking going, I'm going to be number one. That wasn't going to happen. Oh, my God. Because I would get on the phone and call Mooney, Eddie, and Joe Rogan. And go, I don't know if you know I'm hosting tonight. And you come out and try all your new material. It's my favorite. And Andrew, come on down. Really?

What time? Get there a tent to fucking tent. Surprise some Obermikers haven't killed you. Nothing. They don't know about it. So they'd be there going, yes, they would be calling their homes, the whole thing. Like, I'm getting on stage at the store. It was comics who weren't getting stage.

time that Mitzie looked at and said, you know what, I made a mistake. That's what it really was. By the way, that still exists. She told me once. She goes, these are comics I made a mistake with and I don't want them around here no more. And the only way to get rid of them is not to put them up on Sundays because I don't want to give them a false hope unless I hear something spectacular from Scott at the time. Scott Day, yeah.

She goes, I'm not playing games with these people. This is when a thousand people are trying to get to. to the store, though. Even more so than now. Your wait list was six fucking months. And if she saw you six months ago and she saw you again, you thought, I'll just do the same shit. Fuck you.

Bye. She remembered every word you said. So when I did that, I would call Mooney, whatever. And I would also not have mooney and dice up there. Can you imagine every three minutes you have to change the comment? Oh, you got to walk up and down the stairs. Trust me, I hosted for like three. Come on. I'm on Coke. I'm going to be walking up wasting coke.

You know, I need this energy. So I would put up, I would do four steps. Wait until you do that four steps. I did it. Every night. Three years ago. They hated me. I was there. I was there. They hated me. And I couldn't walk for four days after that. Those days are done with up and down. This ain't no tax fit class. It really is the best way to grow, though. It is the best way to grow. It took me. It admits you was nice enough to let me, when I first. started doing stand-up after being a waitress for so long and she hated when a waitress turned comic let me tell you she fucking hated that because i watched it too and i would be like

and then they fucking get on stage in front of her and she'd be like get rid of them and i'd be like all right so i had to fire plenty of waitresses who stunk on stage so it's so bad sunday nights i get off that stage and everybody would be depressed fuck you know how long it's Andrew's going to do, he's going to do two more albums. What's the truth? Go down the corner. You're wasting all this energy to get back anything. You could have wrote an hour.

You could have done so many things. And I understand the pain you had. But now, let's eliminate that. Let's take back what happened. But why not go where people fuck with you? Like if the comedy store is like you, go somewhere. There's a million other fucking places. That's it.

When it's time, you'll be. here. But right now, no mess with it. Now, let's talk about the second part of this. In the video, I spoke about 23 years ago, what was going on up there for women. Now, Eleanor hasn't sucked the dick, to my knowledge, and I've known her for years. And if I would confront her, she would tell me to get stage time. Oh. Whitney Cummings didn't suck a dick. Allie Wong didn't suck a dick. You know, Eliza didn't suck a dick. I'm not saying they haven't suck the dick somewhere in that personal live. You know how many people say to me, Whitney fucked everybody to get. And I go, what do you I was right there in the trenches with her? You know what I'm saying? Like people will tell you

out of jealousy. And it's a jealousy created by other women. I agree. It's a jealousy created by other women. When I got back to the store, like I said last week, before we even said this, there was a rumor going around that women were in getting stage time. So when you see me looking at the list, I'm not looking at the list to see what time it is. I'm right. I'm getting the list to count. And I would count and go, I don't know what these women are talking about. So to lease in the burden,

I started putting more women on my podcast, more women that nobody would know about. Just to leasing that. Okay, that's great, Joey. You did that. You're a great guy. Falk, you're going to be a saint. Let's not get away from the situation.

But you're the kind of person. You don't care about gender. Funny is funny. Funny is funny. And that's it. And I want to give a spotlight. The same spotlight people gave me. Sure.

The way Rodin gave me a spotlight. And Richard Jenny gave me a spotlight. You took me to Vegas. Oh, no, I didn't forget. These are all spotlights. These are all spotlights. You have to be very thankful of these. So, but let's talk about 97 to 2000.

I had never seen more of a collection of crazier people in my life. And I tell you guys how it is. What came close? The tenderloin. and 85 when I lived there for that summer, came close to my first year at the store. What's the tenderloin? San Francisco. Oh, oh, okay.

My first year at the store was Peter Chen, the guy who they said I killed that disappeared, the old man. Oh, uh, whatever. It'll come to me. Yeah, yeah. He's alive. He's alive. Um, you know,

Gay lord. Gay lord dingler hitting the guy with the car. And then there's a situation of women that went up there on Sunday nights. Now, again, I am not downplaying what I said on with Rogan. I'm not downplaying it. I just want to give you guys a back pedal. Okay, nobody lied, nobody exaggerated. It was just told in a quick way.

And this is my witness right here. We just spoke about the original room for the last 30 minutes. I never even did sets in the belly room. Nobody does. That's just to show you what. I mean, I do. At that time, at that time, it was weird. It was weird.

Adam. Adam Barnhart had a great show on Sunday nights. And that's it. Nobody else had a show up there. And sometimes I was Rachel Lovey. She used to have three shows. But it was more, again, geared toward women. Like Rachel had great comp Maryland did it.

This is just to prove to you people that when you tell a story, you get caught up in a story. Sure. Skippy Low. There were different. Skippy Love. There were different women that went up there on Sundays. We could mention name.

I remember one in particular that had a pink convertible Mercedes do not say her name. I'm never going to say her name but I know exactly what you're talking about. But the guy, the old man she was living with

was like 70. Something like that. And he would buy everything, her promo packages, dresses. But the tits he got her, the doctor in Mexico forgot to move the vein

under the fake tit. I hate you. and put the pit, the vein over the tit, and it looks so bad. But there was, ladies and gentlemen, and I have two daughters, I have 10 nieces, and I have 200 women that I'm a dear friend with. I'm looking at you in the eye, and I'm telling you to correct me if I'm lying to you, there was six or seven women in those days that didn't want to do Whitney's work. They didn't want to do the work.

They didn't want to put the leg work in. They didn't want to put the leg work in. And they taunt you. and they'd say things to you and they'd start with guilt. They'd start with guilt. Yeah. Well, you have this and I don't have this and you're so lucky and why can't you put me up in front of Mitzie and blah blah blah. And it never, you know, for me it never understood.

Nobody ever came out beside that girl and said, how about I trade your blow job for stage time? And it was the weirdest thing because I had had a sexual relationship with me. before. I had met her a year earlier and we would hook up once a month on a weird situation. Once we actually hooked up

in an apartment. Yeah. She came over and she goes. But she partied too. Yes. I'm just making sure I got the same person. Yeah. Okay. And she goes, I want to go.

And I'm not hating her for any of this by the way. Neither am I. I love it with all my heart. Like we joke about these girls make comedy better for a lot of people. Yeah. So she said I've got these four four, eight packages.

I bought them from and I want to do them and I said I have an 1145 spot. And she goes, no, but I have to go now. It was a Friday night. And I'm like, ooh, that spot could wait. I'm a little burnt out and stand up. I was opening up with Paul Rodriguez on Saturday and Sunday and Fresno and Baker's field with Bob. Bob Baker?

No. Bigger stuff? No. The guy that ran Houston. at the time was doing independent concert. And I said, I never forget looking at her in the eye and going,

I got 1145 spot. If I go home with you, I just want you to know, we ain't fucking around. I'm going to put you to work. And she goes, what is that mean? And I go, we're going to do Coke. So obviously, somewhere along the night, we're going to water fuck.

It's going to get out of control. It's going to get wild. And she's like, well, okay, fine. She goes, I just don't give good enough head. And I'm like, like, already, I'm like, you know. That's hysterical. She goes, she got to teach me how to give head, you know. Okay.

And I went over there. Oh, all right. She was a professional. You know what I'm saying? And we spent that night together. And there was a couple nights at the store. Okay. And then she was frustrated.

And I get it. She was frustrated. She was frustrated, not with me, because she was getting beat up everywhere. At that time, she was getting beat up at the improv. She was going to beat up at open mics. But you talk about clicky. It was very clicking. It was very clicking.

It's very clicking. It's hard to get in clicks. It's still clicky. And she came to the store one night, this straw. And I'm like, I got two lines of coke and me. I already went up on stage. You know, you came at the perfect time. What's going on?

And she's like, it's not going to happen again between us. I have a boyfriend. And then she started saying that we don't even have. sex. We lay next to each other and my positive vibes, going to his positive vibes, and we don't need to have sex that's so yesterday. Oh. This is a new way of doing sex and I have the best. Spoken word in the bedroom. I have the best orgasms in my life. And I'm listening to this shit going, uh, all right, listen.

What's the problem? And she's like, I just want somebody to see me. And I'm like, who would you want to see you? And she's like, I don't know, management team. They used to be a pay phone next to the woman's bathroom in the hallway when you walk down the stairs at the thing. And I remember looking at it going, so who do you want me to call? I don't know. It's

10.30 at night. Who would you want me to call? And she's like, I don't know, who's the best manager? I go, three yards. And I went into my pocket, and I got a cord, and I put him the payphone, and you can see me hanging up. And I just dialed seven numbers. I'm like, three yards, give me such

and such. And it said, And it's at night. And she's looking at me like, she didn't see me hang up the phone? I'm saying everybody do better, okay? Everybody. I go, listen, I'm standing here with whatever her name is. She wants you to see her. What's the next time you doing a showcase?

Tuesday at the store, though. You're available Tuesday at the store? Not by now. Any smart girl would say, give me the phone. Fuck you. Let me talk to somebody. No, she's like, why could do Tuesday at 8 here? And I go Tuesday at 8, be at the store.

That you could do every day at 8. And I just hung up the phone, took the quarter out from the bottom. I thought we all seen this. And next you know, we're in the belly room bathroom upstairs. Which is a hot spot. And I remember we had like sex and she had like dirty fingernails. And I'm like, I'm going to go home and take good shopping. I didn't have a good house at that time.

I lived in a fucking car. So that's the under-embellished. That's the under-embellished. unrated. I had sexual relations with her. Yeah, how many times? Maybe 20. How many other women I did this to none of them?

But I will remember there was a meek Japanese girl. Oh. Came in for a while. Meek. They usually are the Japanese. God bless them. She just got out of a war. Like in her world, she had the straw hat with the cup of rice.

She was coming at the store. And she had grown up being a fan of Tamayo Otsuko. Tamayo Atzuki. So she's like, I want to be Tomayo. I want to be to Mayo. You know, tell me. And I was kind of nice to her. Oh, my God.

I was very nice to her. Yeah. This is the shit that you don't tell people that people need to know. Yeah. I was very kind to her. And after about three weeks, her dress started getting more and more Japanese. Which means they started wearing less and less. closed. She started wearing

monster boots with hot pants. Oh, less Japanese. I got it. No bra. A tee shirt, little bite-sized titty's sticking out. And I'm seeing this shit. Trial size. Just to let you know that, you know, there's a good side and a bad side to Joey Dears.

This is one girl that actually pretty much came to me in Japanese and said to me, in other words, you know, I do, you know, whatever stays time. And I'm like, oh, here we go. And, you know, I said, you know what, tonight I'm full. Like, I'm okay tonight.

Like, I'm coked up. It's not going to work tonight. And I'll never forget, though. Like a month later, they were running a train behind the stage and the bar by her at like 11 o'clock. And the male bartender was like, what am I going to do? She went back. They were both on the stage. You know, I saw situations like that.

There was a girl that would come down every Sunday with a wig on, one of the prettiest girls you've ever seen in your life. And I caught on to after like a month ago. Boy, you were a redhead a month ago? Yeah, well, I just like to switch wigs. I would stand in the front. Remember, I was a doorman. So I would stand in the front sometimes.

And she always got out of black cars. Those in fucking 1998, Those black cars were expensive. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that was a big deal. Somebody pulls up in a limo now, you laugh at them. You're like, yeah, whatever. No, not the limos, but just town cars. I know what you mean, like the town cars.

Yeah, the sedans. And one that I asked, I go, what are you doing? She goes, oh, you wouldn't understand. And I remember her, like, pulling me aside going, I really want to be a stand-of-comy, but nobody will help me. Listen, when you tell a seasoned comedian, and again, if you want to write for Rolling,

or whatever you want to take with this podcast. Remember one thing. When a woman come to you in comedy and says, I don't know what they're doing, I need help. Seven out of ten comics, what do they say to you? I got you covered. Don't worry about none. Let's go back to my apartment.

And nine out of ten of them are full of shit. And nine of the ten of them are full of shit. And then when they realize they don't sleep with you, they're not your friend, they don't talk to you. Yeah. I always try to talk to those women. you know you grow in comedy

and you see the weaknesses and like I told you guys last week one night Lee and I were coming back from Pasadena and we started talking about my tribal shit oh the triple runs I've never done that what I saw on the triple runs

people crazy stories yeah I remember I got off out of the car with him and my body was shivering because it was just crazy like the shit that you know finger in this one there was

fucking Air Force Base. It's like whatever. I don't, there's a comedy show called the degenerates of comedy. You did it. Why did they call, like, did any of the comics get offended? You called us degenerate. We are. For the most part, we are.

We're fucking animals on the road for the, I mean, I can't say that about women all the time because, like, we're on the road a little bit more nervous than a male comic. Of course, 10 times over. And it's still a bar. It's a bar. It's a nightclub. They're partying. It still doesn't matter.

It doesn't excuse what I did next week. And it's not going to excuse what's about to happen in the couple weeks. Because they made a lot of calls. And you know what? I didn't get one fucking call. You know why? No, no, no. Because I wouldn't push a negative narrative.

And that's what they want. They want anything. Negative. They want anything negative. You know, I would love. I wish people address it, you know, in the right way. I haven't remembered, you know, I had to look back and go, well, I think of a couple situations,

one of which I spoke with the podcast. I'm not going to tell the name to give you ammunition. I spoke of a person I had a problem with when I first met her. We were doing a couple lines of coke, and I told her. She had nice tetties, and she played it off like, you know, nobody's ever told me this before. You're a pig, really? Oh, I love shock.

I love shock. This is what I know about you. Yeah. And a couple weeks later, on a party and I see it with somebody and it's like you were trying to play fucking virgin mary and you got busted i'm not afraid you know but i that's what i'm saying like everybody right now feels like they're all in shock like oh my god oh my god this happens at nightclubs oh my god what does comics talk dirty comics embellish fuck you emails that would it would make you fucking i will be

listen i will be not one person has called me about anything from the comedy star and i've been there from calling anybody who matters well but here's the thing i've been there from i don't have any credits like that everybody who i mean i've heard in these articles and these interviews that adam's name has come up and i don't know why this is crazy adam's name has come up who's the sweetest guy in the world adam or adam what did you call adam angle i don't fucking know adam egit egit just call me eBay i don't know how many people are those names have come up that I've said, what are you talking about?

Why is his name? Because if he, here's the thing, like, back in the day, girls would come up to me and be like, how do I get spots? How do I get spots? How do I get a showcase? How do I get whatever it was? Like, whether they were passed and not getting spots or whether they were trying to get past, right? Because both happen when you can get past, like Mitzi said, she would be like, ugh, I made a mistake

on that after I saw them. And she'd stop giving them spots. One person, one guy, got really pissed off. and went to Mitzie and was like, why am I not getting spots? And she goes, okay, I'll have you re-showcase. And then she unpassed that motherfucker for making her sit through that.

And it was the only person I ever saw her do that too, but it made me laugh. So I would immediately tell people, don't talk to Mitzie if you've been passed. Here's little tricks you can do. And it was something as simple as send Scott some tequila or wine. Yeah, I would tell people all the time, send cigarette, whatever it was that the town coordinator,

could casually bring your name up in front of Mitzi and spark her memory, whether it good or bad, it'll work. And it did. So then people would say, how can I get spots? Should I fuck this guy? This guy told me if I blow him that he'll help me. And I go, who would help you if you blow? No, he's going to come and forget you.

And I go, if you want to know who to fuck to get into the club, if it's not Mitzi sure, you're doing it wrong because she's the only one that can put you on stage. up until she got real, real sick and Tommy started, there was one time when me and Corey, one week where Mitsu was real sick in the late 90s, and she went to get stem cell injections. I think Bob Wheeler took her.

And she was, you know, it was her first, like, bout with this bullshit, her sickness. And so she asked us to do the lineup. And we, Corey and I were devastated, nervous wreck. We don't want to hurt anybody's feelings. We love everybody.

So we copied Mitzie's format. That was one week. We still weren't in charge of anything, really. We just copied Mitzie's format. And then if we joke about this all the time, or at least Rick and I do on the Comedy Store podcast, how when she came back and started doing it, she literally would just go to A's.

So it would be like Aaron Cater, Ahmed Ahmed, like whoever was fucking A's got on. the lineup because she was getting her health was declining so then Tommy Duncan left Tommy got in there and then once he saw that she was really really declining and he started doing the lineup he would then unfortunately fuck with people and you know well you know if you do this you know he had his own narrative and his favorites were Whitney and Christalia and miss he didn't pass them Tommy did technically like whatever

and because he saw these are going to be the future or whatever he saw something in them and he was passing and he was a dick to a lot of people he was but he was the town coordinator and technically she gave him the reins to do that and the only other person that had that was

Adam because he was thrown into it but Adam showcases people he doesn't give sexual fuck and favors for getting stage time and he doesn't not give you stage time if you didn't give him or don't like him because I've had people come up to me and be like, he doesn't like me.

He doesn't. Yeah, he doesn't like your stand-up. You're taking a personal, like, he asked you out and you said no, and now you think that's why you're not getting, say, you're not funny. You need to fucking reevaluate. Or you could be funny, but just maybe he doesn't think you're funny enough for the lineups he's putting together. And if you're fucking hurt by that, fuck you.

I'm sorry. Would you go to every casting director and be like, how do you? did I not get in this movie? I'm perfect for it. And then just be like, well, it's because I was supposed to go out with him or I was supposed to go out with her and now they're holding a grudge. That's not how it works. I don't know. I'm rattling,

but I'm pissed. That's why. No, you're absolutely right. Because I'm pissed. It's, it's, you're, you're changing, you're changing the narrative. First of all, what, with what is going on with Christalia, I'm, like I said, I'm thrilled these girls spoke up, right? And if he did something

bad, that will fucking come out. It will happen. You will get your justice, but don't change it and take away from something that needs to be dealt with for real because you didn't get fucking spots at the comedy store. Stop it. And not one person has come to me and

said, no, that's not true because you know that, because they know, I know the real truth. I watched it. Even with Adam, I've been doing stand-up for 13 years. Adam took over probably what, six years ago, seven years ago, six?

is seven yeah so and he was thrown into it reluctantly he did not want to do this he did not want that job nobody wants that fucking job nobody wants the job of telling you're good enough to get on this lineup or you're not man or woman and the other thing is is with the women they're trying to fucking men and women are all the same where there is no gender but but then when there's a fucking problem all the sudden there's a gender right all of a sudden these are males or monsters and they're trying to hurt women and not all males are assholes i have six brothers i would say some of them are assholes some of them are you know whatever i i'm again i'm i'm flipping out because i just don't know what i'm just happy that you were there 97 to 2000 you witnessed me you

witnessed me at my lowest points on drugs yeah and to say i fucked my way in i've heard that one too because I slept with Dice. That's my second ex-fiance. I wasn't even doing stand-up when I was with Dice. And when I started doing stand-up, respectfully, because he was the higher-up, technically, not because he's male, just because he's fucking Andrew Dice Clay. And he started at the comedy store. So when I started doing it, I called him and I called Mitzie because I have respect for them.

And I didn't want them to think, oh, I'm fucking crazy. I'm going to go there because I'm Dice's X. to fuck with him and stay at the store or uh you know i'm an ex-waitress and i want to fucking piss off mitzie by doing stand-up i didn't do it for the wrong reasons i called them to say hey i'm going to try this is this okay if i come to the store i asked permission and mitsy let me she she told me to do the belly room uh and i did and then she showcased i showcased three or three times for mitsy it took me three years to get past and i was her personal assistant i did everything for I went out of the country with Mitzi.

Like, we were tight. So, and with Andrew, he took me on the road, and I didn't do, I got booed off the stage, and he put me in the fucking backburner for a year. And then I had a re-showcase for him. So don't tell me I didn't do the fucking legwork and that I fucked my way into a comedy store paid regular. Because I'll beat the shit out of you.

One, two, I worked my ass off for it. Everything I got. And there's a lot of women that they talk like that about. And one of them is Whitney Cummings that came, somebody said it to me. And I thought, fuck you, man. We were in the same show.

She said something to me. Worked every, I wake up and I say, what would Whitney do? That's how I fucking think, whether you like her stand up or not. Do I think Whitney's the funniest person on the planet? No,

but I think she's fucking brilliant. And she puts her time in. And she puts her fucking time in and bust her goddamn ass. She wasn't, She was sleeping with regular fucking guys like the rest of us. Nobody special. I can think of four, not four, three different guys that she was dating. They were regular fucking guys.

They weren't, they didn't have any power. She was just smarter than you and you don't fucking like it. She said something to me that made sense for you. Eliza. Eliza, too. Eliza's fucking girl. Ali Wong. Leslie Jones.

Who to fuck the Leslie fuck? Leslie's phenomenal. She said, when you come to this town. you and you go to the comedy store, you have two decisions. You can either suck dick or put your ponytail into the hat and become one of the guys. Yeah. And you've done that.

You're one of the guys. I've tucked my dick. You know why? Because you had nine brothers. And you know exactly how they talk. They scratch their balls. They sniff their fingers. They're disgusting.

But I love them. They would tell you right in front of them, how they fucked the neighbor in the ass. Talk you? She was half retarded. Fuck if I said. Yeah. And you laugh. a little bit, but that was what, you know, that they said coerced.

There was no need to coerce, nobody. Nobody coerced. These girls were willing, God bless them. I mean, there was many others, and I've heard many other stories. And like I said, I'm not here with this podcast. Now the next step is where this goes. Where does this go? If it goes any further, it's dumb.

I got to be honest. It's going to go further. It's going to go further. Well, they're going to pick apart every person. Anybody that's ever laughed at Richard Pryor should be ex-exam. He grew up in a whorehouse. It's going to go for... And that's how he saw women.

It's going to go further. And at least for me, it is... They made some calls. They called Seattle. Let's Seattle. Were they worried you have a fucking past? You're pretty open about it. Oh, I am.

They're going after clubs for certain reasons, for not doing... I heard this in an email, a stricter background checks in the comics to make sure that's sexual. Predators, like now they have us. Oh my God. How's the fuck are we going to prevent that? Wednesday, I celebrate 20 years with my girlfriend when you saw us.

Terry? My girlfriend. It's your wife, fucker. And my head, I was like. But we were together 20 years. Wow. So you got to remember when I started dating Terry, I was still snorting Coke, but I was at the store and I couldn't really do nothing because now she'd know it.

She was right there watching me. Yeah. So for you, motherfucker. fuckers that want to say something. And Terry don't fuck around. Terry don't fuck around. Terry was the, if I worked five nights, Terry works five nights.

She will fuck you up, Jack. That's my girl. That's why I love Terry. Terry worked five nights. I need a little national anthem real quick today. Because there's something we got to talk about people that having do's and nots and dots. We got to do some national anthem. I don't know.

Any dates coming up? No, you fuckers. They canceled everything. No, not till Sip. No, And when is it? Shit, August 6th. I'm at Phoenix at the House of Comedy.

August, but that's not to August. My July date got canceled in Vancouver. You tweeted and we'll retweet it. I love it. Thank you so much. And no, I'm happy to have you on today because I want to... Sorry if I went off a little bit. No, you were there.

Okay. You were there and my wife was there. So I want to see... Terry... What the fuck they're going to come up with? Because I got a thousand stories. I got a million. that, listen, whatever story you want to come up with, there's got to be a back end to it.

About six months ago, I get home way before COVID, November. And some girl who lost, you know who it is. She's a cute blonde girl. She was married to an owner of a comedy club, and I always considered her a dear friend. I saw her at the Ha Ha ha when I was trying to make a comeback, and I wasn't going to the store. And one night I go on Twitter on a Saturday It's got to be 1130 and I read her tweet Which says

Joey once went into a bathroom In the back of the bus when I was in the bathroom And I thought about it for a second And I go, holy shit That's right In 98 We were doing a Roger Paul gig Oh wow

In the back of the bus And I had to go out of the bathroom And when she found out I had a package She asked me if I'd do a packet They usually do a package in the bathroom. So I go, you didn't mention what we're doing the package. All of a sudden. That's what we're only going to put out half the story.

Everything's half the fucking story. So I was like, fuck, you know, fuck this shit. And I wrote to have a package. So I know that, you know, whatever. They're trying to leave it out to make them look good. We got 20 years right here. I got 20 years who I've been with at the house. My wife was wages at the store.

And she can attest to... And you motherfuckers want to raise your hand. Come on with it, bitches. There was a friend of ours who recently died, a big guy. His wife became a saint all of a sudden. She doesn't... She doesn't know she's fucking... She's trash.

She's spitting the grave before they threw dirt out of them. She also got smacked around at the store. Yeah, she got smacked around a couple places. So for her to raise that. Yeah, but from me, that's time. Yeah, that's this time. But this is the thing with Terry. Terry was there when we were all, just so you know,

the cesspool. the comedy world is and a nightclub becomes when you're there all the time there was a part where we had a herpes outbreak because we were all fucking each other and uh i'm up well i wasn't really in that part but i was in that and we all had to go get tested for herpes and i don't want this to reflect on the store or any other place no no no i'm telling every nightclub has this is a bar yes are we going to close every night club love there was a lot of love there that's still there's a lot of love there. You know, I feel bad for DeLea and all this

when we have to go back. But these stories we're talking about. Oh, yeah, we'll be back to. No, but I'm saying this. They won't happen any. They don't happen as much as they used to because people don't realize. The cameras at the store. You just can't get you.

She was sick. She wasn't there. She wasn't watching. You get your sucked up at the store now. You pop up when somebody's, while they're talking to the grandmother, the final steps out of Laurie Kilmartin. God bless her.

Lori, phenomenal. Dying of COVID. And there you are. Getting your dicks up in the bathroom and the main room. Squirting some girl's eyeball and her telling you, is there a napkin back here? And you're like, nah, not really. It's a limit.

They got light bulbs, though. You want to wipe up to wipe your eyeball with? Any dates? So you got June? July. I mean, you know, July? got canceled. I'm sorry. I'm at the House of Comedy in August. I believe it's August 6th, 7th, and 8th.

Let's keep your motherfucking prayers open. We got July 21st at Oxnard. That's where they'll start. And then hopefully July 29th through August 1st and Brea, if the COVID disappears, if you motherfuckers don't start marching against something else next week. You know, Martian lives matter. Let's do that one.

Because a margin got fucking run over. over in New Mexico. How about fucking anything. Don't joke about that, Joey. Don't joke about that, Joe. I heard you're being insensitive to Martians. I know. Fuck them too.

All they've ever done is fucking create people to go crazy. I saw a Martian. I saw a Martian. Him and Bigfoot, fucking boat. And don't forget, like I told you the beginning of every show. Every fucking show. CBD line. Swelling, inflammation, insomnia, anxiety.

These are some of the things it could help. help you with. No cure. Help you with. And if it helps you and you stay consistent, who knows where it goes. Go to CBD line right now. Bath balls. E pens with no acetine. Fucking the oil, the cream to rub on as a moisturize. That's how I got my hamstring to go down. They've got gummy bears, three different flavors. They've got fucking tape now. Cutting edge tape that you wrap around the injury. Again, are you going to fucking throw the crutches anywhere

and start dancing the tarantella? No, but it's going to relieve pain. It's going to give you some soreness. It's going to, you know, you have to take a fucking pill like a jerk off. You could smoke a joint, do a little CBD. Last night I went to sleep like a baby. What was the last time we spoke last night? You know, you remember?

Like 11 o'clock? Yeah, two nights ago. 11 o'clock on Saturday. You don't remember Dick because I took the CBD, a couple gummies, the raspberries, and just sent me a new box. What am I remember? It's that strong.

I don't know. I gave you 300, you didn't need the other stuff for. And I love you at all my heart. I appreciate the video. I appreciate your balls. I appreciate your people watching. Because these motherfuckers obviously don't know.

And number two, let me explain something to you. Hit me with the National Anthem. I got to do it. Should I stand? The one we've had years ago is not here anymore. Oh, you got to find the good one because, uh... I feel like I have to stand. I got nervous.

I don't want to find no flutes. My daddy's a Marine. It's got America flag on it. That's the one. Go quick. Lower that. Lower that. So I can talk over this.

Get up, you fucks. It's Monday. The 30th. Whatever the fuck it is of June. Enough is enough already. For three months, We've been living in fucking misery, confusion. We're broke.

We're hungry. We want fucking answers. Stop blaming China. Stop it. Stay in your house. Move out of that fucking apartment. But most importantly, social distance. And most importantly, besides that,

this is a crucial fucking situation. And some of years are not happy. Put your fucking mask on. You fucking maggot, motherfuckers. Let me tell you something. You think I like putting a fucking mask on? I don't like putting a mask on. I got to smell my own breath.

Fifty years of rotten teeth and assholes and Inglis fucking breath and fucking nos hairs. I don't want smelling the fucking breath either. But you have to do it. Why? Because we're trying to keep each other alive. How can we be so fucking selfish? You know what?

You want to go to the bar? Go fuck yourself. Go to the liquor store. Buy a bottle like every other. American and go outside and get three or four of your friends and get fucked up. No more fucking parties, no more get-togethers. I don't want to see no black chicks twinking with your ass up and down. They told you you can't eat ass. And here you are spreading those asshole germs up in the air. I feel bad for midgets, you fucking filthy fucking animals. So do me one favor

whether you agree or disagree. When you're home, when you're scratching your ball, Listen, I wouldn't put a mask on either. I farted and I can smell the fart through the fucking mask. So if I could fart and smell it through the mask outside at the park, that means you can maybe get a little coronavirus. No, you can't get the coronavirus. What I'm telling you is it's a public fucking nuisance now. Pretty soon, people are going to start getting hit in the head

with fucking karate elbows and shit. Keep your mask on. The 4th of July is coming. Do you want to be fucking caught up in the 4th of July? Where's the music? I'm sorry, over. Where's the music? We'll start it again.

Where's the music? We're Americans. We've got to fucking join in now. And enough is enough. Put on your fucking mask. It's not self-respect. It's not respect for us. It's starting to be respect for ourselves.

I wear a mat. Put it on more. I want to hear more. I'm getting fired up here. Don't make me fucking get a bottle rocket and cutting the nap. and make it chase different rest of the fucking groups. You understand me?

Get that mask. Put it on and shut your fucking mouth. You fucking little animals in Miami, you fucking jungle Spanish people down there. You should wear masks day one. When I came from Cuba, they put a mask and goggles on me. That's how contagious I was, all right? So go fuck yourself.

Don't let me break out the goggles. You fucking immigrant fucks. You're lucky you're here. Put on a fucking mask. It's a fucking right. And everybody else, you fucking white people that think you're better than everybody because you pay taxes

and you fucking drive a Prius. So what? Go fuck yourself. Put on your mask. Black people, they're trying to kill us. Put on your mask. If it ain't a fucking cop, it's a bullet. Now it's some Chinese doing a laboratory. Trying to kill you.

And Mexicans, first of all, if three is over 200, I don't want to see it together. Every time I see seven fat Mexicans, COVID is coming. It took out a family down in Orange County. If you're seven and eight Mexicans and you're heavy, knock it off.

Invite three skinny cousins who just got here and ran to three miles. No more than four fat Mexicans can get together. And that's Cuban, Salvadorans. You Puerto Ricans, too. You're not excluded. You have black and you have Spanish. You guys, they're rolling the dice down there in Puerto Rico.

Put your fucking mask on. Social distance and have a little fucking respect. You see a line? Fuck six feet, ten feet. Put on your mask. I don't enjoy it either. Look at me. I look like a fucking...

I look like I just got out for fucking... Sucking 300 dicks. This is what you look like when they throw you out. What happened to him? They ran a train through him last night. The gay bar with 300 dicks. I don't like wearing a mask. Does it say in the American Constitution?

No. But right now, as Americans, what's going on? And the numbers in Florida, Texas, Arizona, and California, wear your fucking mask. It's Monday. Go out there and be a fucking champion. The church of what's happening now thanks to you. I want to thank Eleanor Kerrigan.

I want to thank fucking Lee Lee Leeland. And I want to thank you guys for all the support. of what's going on in each other's lives. You need comedy. I got the fucking answer. You understand me? But it all starts with the mask. I don't give a fuck.

You're going to hate me for this. But as part of the church, us, we got to be Marines in this shit. We put on our mask. Have a great week. Have a great Monday. God best for you. Kick this motherfucker,

Meal Lee. Get this fucking mask off me.