The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #800 - Joey Diaz: Love is Always Around the Corner

Episode Date: July 1, 2020

Joey Diaz talks about how he met and started dating his wife exactly 20 years ago today 7/1/2000. Joey talks about avoiding love for a long time, and what he did to make it work this time. This podcast is brought to you by   Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout on your first order.

It's Wednesday, the 1st of July. If you ain't got the rent money, you might as well get a tent. You know what I'm saying? The church, what's happening now is brought to you by. On it, listen. When it comes to supplements, you know you guys know I don't fuck around, okay? We've been on for seven years. For seven years, we've had them.

As a matter of fact, welcome to episode 800 on July 1st, 2020. In the middle of a fucking pandemic, we're still here. pushing ahead. You understand me? Do me a favor. Like I said, if you're looking for a supplement to get the party started, go to Alpha Brain. Alpha Brain is the one that makes on it. Why? Neutropics, all that chemical shit. I don't know. Go to Hon.com, read about it. All I know is I'm tip-top, Magoo, ready to stab a motherfucker the last 30 days, all right? Go to honor.com. Press in. Church. There you go. C-H-U-R-C-H. And get 10% off. Your first order to deliver right to your house.

You motherfuckers ready to rock. It's the first of July. It's a whole new fucking month. Kick this fucking mulee. Oh shit. It'll start fucking tell the direction. No more fucking excuse. This is the year of the fucking soldier.

We're going in like fucking Marines. You understand me? Welcome to church, motherfucker. Oh, what? It's July 1st. You've been locked in the house for how long now they want to put your back. Unbelievable. Let you out for a week.

Then they call you up. We forgot something. And now they want to put us back, but no big fucking deal. Just another day in the life, guys. That's it. You know what I'm saying? This is it. It's Coronaville.

Get it through your fucking head. The next couple days, you're going to hear about some shit that went down, whatever. Don't be surprised. It's fucking Coronaville, guys. You cannot be around large fucking crowds. You could do it once, twice, three times. Eventually, it's going to grab you. It's gotten a couple of comics now.

You'll be hearing about developments the next couple days when it goes out to these guys. They were trying to entertain you, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. I've said that since day one. Guys, listen, it's at an all-time peak right now. Think about yourself. Think about the people that you bring it back to, you know, I don't give a fuck how you live your life.

You want a snort coat. You want to shoot everyone. Do what you need to do. Do it with a fucking mask on. I don't care if you put a fucking little hole in the straw to put the straw in your fucking name. nose. Just be careful out there, right guys, this thing ain't over yet.

But it's a beautiful motherfucking there to be alive. What am I smoking debt from fucking urban trees? You know how they take Kami over there? That's the name of the stream? Listen, whatever I'm smoking is debt. It's 32% 31. They're getting stronger

and strong. It's like those flies in my basement. They're getting stronger and stronger. I gave one. I gave them something different today. I gave one of them. I experimented. I gave one of them some of my toe shavings, like from the fucking... Oh, God.

Fung-eye toe, he's fucking on fire lately. He's been fucking dying to get out of there. He's like fucking Clint East wouldn't escape from Alcatraz. You got to see him. He's thinking of a way. He's going to break out from within the glass. Fuck, don't worry about nothing.

What I want to talk to people about is something I've overlooked for a long time. And listen to these fucking sirens. People getting stabbed by the minute. And you give a fuck about Jimmy Kim will fucking put on blackface. Keep it up with the defunding Look at that

The fucking ambulance is going The cops are going They got these poor cops on bikes They're about to get shot Let me fucking thing now This is like target fucking practice If you're in a cop and you're on a bike, quit It's over

You ain't riding no bike no more What are you? Fucking Cheryl Crow's boyfriend What's his name? Lance Armstrong Yeah, all of a sudden you're Lance Armstrong You didn't become a cop to be Lance Armstrong If you're a cop and you ain't in a tank

You're slipping right now You understand me And you better have three other cops was and fuck it so you can shoot it out with these cock suckers because it's rough on the streets out there but anyway what i want to talk to you people about is a beautiful situation that's going on that i've overlooked i've overlooked it till about three fucking weeks ago and i got to tell you man it's one of the best moves that you know has ever fucking happened to me i mean i'll tell you guys a little story just let's start off with 1999 it was

was a holiday night. I'm not going to tell you what night it was. I just want you to paint your fucking minds with this one. You know, I'd start a comedy in 91. I got separated four months later. I found the new girlfriend in January. I dated her until about September and she moved to New York. You know, we stayed in touch on the phone, but things happened. I ended up back in New York in 93. We hooked up a couple times, but it wasn't the same. She had a day job. I was trying to drive a limo. You know, it was just bullshit.

And I'm doing my cocaine, the whole fucking deal. I go to New York. I stay with Georgia, who called him to the podcast. I lived with him. I think I was with him nine months in that apartment. I never brought a girl over. Whenever I hooked up with that girl, we hooked up in a fucking living room.

She had a, it was like a little studio apartment. So she had a roommate in the studio apartment. Oh, now? So we had to sleep in the kitchen. She had to open the bathroom, and our feet were going to the fucking bathroom. Her kitchen was so small. And then at the end of the night,

after you fucking did your thing, a mouse would run by. Tremendous. I would have to fucking leave there once I saw the mouse. But that's not the story. After I went to Colorado, and I lived a nomad life, as far as relationships were concerned,

I was alone. I was alone, and that's how I want. wanted it to be. I had gotten married. I had been through a divorce. I wanted to be alone. That's what happens. I said, you know what? I gave it a try. I'm a Catholic. There ain't no coming back to this. So what this means is, I'm going to live the single man's life. When I started doing comedy in 95 when I went on the road, you know, you're living a single life. I met a girl. We went to Seattle, blah, blah, blah, blah. We moved down here. Things weren't working out for us. She went her way

I went on my way Amicably we hooked up six months later Not sexually As friends I stayed with her for a few months And it was just really weird Like I wasn't lonely at all But I was single And the dumb shit was nice

From time to time But you're still alone When I came here with her I was duking it out with these people with her And then once we broke up I was pretty much alone I was pretty much alone for like three fucking years. And those three years was just craziness.

Like, you know, we were talking about the store and stuff like that. But one particular incident that happened one night was I was at a comedy club one night and I met this girl in between shows. And then when I got off the second show, the headliner would come out behind me. And she was in the showroom with her girlfriends. And they came to the bar. me, her, the owner. We all started talking, blah, blah, bah.

One thing, it's a big cocaine club. This club is a very big cocaine comedy club. So it was my type of club. We did a couple fucking blast. Everybody was happy. The owner would keep it open. He knew what time it was. And one thing led to the other.

Me and the chick disappeared. And we ended up in the owner's office. And we ended up getting naked in the fucking owner's office. One thing leads to another. We finish. We walk out like nothing. happen. Her girlfriends don't know nothing. Nobody knows nothing. We go back to the bar as there's nothing. I start talking other people. We're talking in between, but we both, it's a big night,

and we both get caught up in what's going on, and all of a sudden I'm doing my thing, and guess what happens? I turn around, and she's gone, and she's making out with another comic. And I'm like, what the fuck just happened? So I didn't say nothing. I went home, and I was like, you know, it's not like I lost my girl to another comic. We already did what we needed to do at the club on top of the owner's desk. The owner calls me the next day, blah, blah, blah. But right there, that fucked with me a little bit. Like, that's where my life is up to.

Like, I signed up to be a comic, but this other lifestyle that comes with is enjoyable. I'm not going to lie to you, but is this what this is going to be for I'm 65? You know, when I was a kid, I watched those Charles Bronson movies. And, you know, yeah, his Jill, Will Ireland played in the movies, his wife. But Charles Bronson was always a single guy, whether it's hard times, whether Death Wish, his wife was in the hospital. She got all retarded after they fucked her up. And in, you know, several movies he was single. I can't come to, the mechanic he was single.

the one he did where he was the bounty, the Mouti, he was single. He was always single. So as a kid, I always envisioned myself getting older and being single. It was no big fucking deal. Like that, that's just the way life is. Either you're cut out for romance or you're not cut out for romance. But that 99 really fucked with me a little bit. I was 36 years old.

you know, about to turn 37. I wasn't thinking of a family, but you said something to me once I asked you what happened to that person, and you said to me that they wanted a life of having a trailer and having dogs and living like the nomad life, and that wasn't for you. You know what I'm saying? Like, even though I was a comic and I was having,

these bourgeois fucking relationships I got old it really did get old you know and I did some drugs and the whole thing and I got old

and it's not like I yearned for a girlfriend because I knew I was in the mafia I'm in the mafia I'm in comedy I'm in comedy nine years I'm trying to get fucking recognized

I got no time to be going on dinners I got no time I got no money I got none of that shit either it happens at the comedy club or it's not gonna happen

like it was a very weird world and it started feeling unnatural and I never saw it fucking coming so November of whatever 99 I embark on a world fucking tour that takes me from coast to coast coast to fucking coast I mean it was deep and at the end of the tour I come home it's 2000 it's April of 2000 and I'm like okay what am I going to I do. So I get a couch at my buddy's house. I give him 200 a month to sleep on his fucking couch. And I'm basically doing spots. I'm not taking care of myself. I'm eating all hours. I'm drinking. I'm doing drugs. I'm living this fucking no-med life. And, you know, I'm at the

comedy store seven nights a week when I'm not on the road with Rogan or by myself. At that time, I was in the road by myself. Headlining, little rooms. shitty rooms, headlining one-nighters, whatever I could do for six months. I stayed out. And this is pre-longest yard, right? Five yards before the longest yard. Okay.

So I come back to L.A. And I got to be honest with you guys. Guys, I'm not thinking about dick. I'm thinking about doing comedy. My car had already been towed. My apartment had been towed. I had already been through the hell of it.

I was living in L.A. I had no car. I was staying in my friend's couch. I lived off the comedy store. One night is Felipe, Willie Barsena, off of guys like that fly, George Perez, you know, they all had little rooms and I did comedy.

And then I did the comedy store. That was my only income. That was it. So, pretty much, I lived, those April, I was kind of sad, I think May of 2000. I had already come to terms of what was going on with my daughter and I'm like, what is my next step? You know, like, what is my next step? Like,

I had already shot a pilot. I had booked a commercial and I made a bunch of money. I was a regular at the store. Nobody liked me. I wasn't going to Monument. or I wasn't like the new sensation. I had already come to terms and a lot of little things. And I'd also come to terms with that. I was pretty much homeless. I lived in that building.

Whoever had a spare bed, that's where I stayed. Whoever was out of town, if Ralphie was out of town for a week, I had a place to crash for a week. When Gentry went out of town for a month, I had a place to crash for a month. If not Celine's couch is always available.

If not Gavin's couch is always available. This was a fucking wild ride. And one night I go to the fucking comedy store to do what I usually fucking do. And I go to the bar, I get my soda, I get my water, and I walk into the fucking hallway at the comedy store. I'm about to go up the original room stairs. And I saw a girl I had seen there before out of the corner of my eye. But rule number one at the store was not to mess around with the waitresses that Mitzi would get mad at you. I had such a good thing going with Mitzi that I didn't want to ruin it. So rule number one when you're a young comic, if you want to come back to that club,

don't sleep with the waitresses. They just don't like it. Don't get me wrong. You know, I snorted coke with waitresses and did heroin and did pills and the whole fucking thing. but I never went back to that club. You follow me? So if you want proms in your career, if you don't want no problems in your career, you tip the waitresses, you're very nice.

I mean, don't get me wrong, love is love. I'm not here to stop love, but don't mess with waitresses. But when I walked up the stairs, I had seen this girl before. She was a waitress. I had seen this girl before,

but for some reason, at this time, we locked eyes. And I noticed that her fucking eyes were, you know how dark it is in the store? How fucking eyes are so beautiful and so blue that I got locked into them. And I did what you. Most people do you smile. I smiled and said, how are you? She was a waitress.

And I took the fucking chair and sat down and watched the show. And I did some jokes or whatever the fuck. And then later on, when it was time to party, I went out there and I saw and I approached her. I asked how long she had worked there for, and she said about three years. I go, that's funny, you know, because I did see her one night at coaching horses. I was with a bunch of guys up there, and they were sitting. And at that time, the only waitress I really spoke to was Eleanor, this girl Olympia. There was a couple of waitresses at the time.

Eleanor's good friend that I was tight with, but there was a lot of waitresses I didn't talk to. Did they change too much? You were there to do a spot and get out, so you just, you were there to do a spot and get out, You know, Ellenna was the first person I met from Philadelphia. So I right away identified with Illinois. And then she introduced me to the waitresses little by little. And then I was on the road. I wasn't sticking around.

I was on the road. And when I do come in, I would definitely be there on Sundays, but I would leave on Tuesday. Wow. So even if I wasn't here for the week, I would see Mitzie on Sunday. So I would stay fresh in her mind. forget about the week it's what she saw on Sunday

so I would make sure to be back on Sunday to be with her so that was my plan I went back I got a drink I think we started talking about something you know she told me she was from Tennessee blah blah blah and I think I went home the first night didn't say anything then I went up to the store the second night and there she was again

and you know me dog I'm a sucker for a white chick you know what I'm saying they could come in all colors and sizes I'm a sucker for a white chick and I love blue eyes and I looked at her and we started talking and she was very sweet and I just asked her if she wanted to get fucking coffee and she said yes and the next day I took her for coffee so like leading up to this you had said that you were lonely, but like, had it reached a... I was lonely, but I knew I didn't want to drag nobody through the fucking mud. When I moved here, I moved here with a girl, and I dragged it through the mud, and what does that mean, dragging it through the mud?

My life was comedy. That's very tough on a woman. That's very tough on a woman. When you meet a girl and you fall in love with her, like I've said a thousand times at first for a woman, it's a novelty that you're a comedian. it's a novelty, but then it becomes a reality when you knock them up or when you say I do. Now it's a different thing. They got your ear from a different perspective now.

And they start saying to you, why do you have to leave for three weeks? Why do you have to leave for two weeks? You know, and then you have a kid with them, God forbid. And now you're going on the road. And like I said before, you call them saying, And I'm over at Joey Dears' house for smoking weed, and you can hear the two kids crying in the background. Right.

So you understand me for a woman's perspective? It's very hard. So I knew that already. I had already dated a girl in Denver that fucking didn't like comedy. I had been through this already. So when I moved to the major leagues, this is the major leagues. If I had a hard time dating with the minor leagues, could you imagine the major leagues?

It's like going to prison. You want to go to prison and keep a girl on the outside? You're going to lose your mind. You're going to lose your mind. You're going to want to shoot yourself in the fucking mouth. Because every time you call her house and she don't answer the phone, you're going to jump out of your fucking skin. Your mind takes you somewhere.

You're not doing drugs. You're not seeing other women. You're not doing anything. So you're sitting in a cell by yourself, watching a black and white TV. That's why when you watch the movie Carlito's way, and she says, what happened to you inside?

And he goes, I didn't want to go through that. When I got locked up, I had a girlfriend, and I got to tell you something, I'm not the overly jealous type. We all have natural jealousy. If you have a girlfriend, a guy talks to him, a good-looking guy. We all have our insecurities. But I saw guys fucking kill themselves in jail. Fuck. Overwomen.

I got stories about guys putting their head through glasses and shit. Wow. I guess my question, well, like, you weren't at a place. you're like actively looking for a girl and you, oh, why would you want to put somebody through this shit? Wow. This is, I'm on my ninth year and I'm working fucking 48 weeks a year. I'm in my ninth year and I'm working 40 to 48 weeks a year.

I'm doing fucking 30 to 40 spots a month. I got no time for girls. I had a girlfriend. She would tell me her family was coming to town. That's great. What the fuck do you have? me to do. Well, we planned the dinner. I'm not going on dinner with your family. I'm doing the fucking open mic at 8.30 and then I got this other place at 10. I pick up 50 bucks and I got

the store 1245. What dinner are you talking about? I didn't know anything. I didn't know anything about that shit. While everybody else is playing around and going on dates and doing shit, I wasn't doing that. I was hustling with Felipe. I was in a car going to meet Felipe with Maryland. Maryland would pick me up and I was going down and fucking do a $35 spot and I had a kick in tent for fucking gas. You know, but that was part of the fucking life I chose. Why would I want to put? I had a fucking bag. I didn't have furniture. We think I had like a bathroom kit when I was on the fucking road. I had a bag with fourth pair of jeans, a nice pair of pants, a nice shirt, a jacket, a suit jacket. a couple sweaters in there and a few t-shirts, no underwear, and socks that were fucking yellow from foot fungus and God knows what else. That's all I had.

Gel, toothpaste, toothbrush, deodorant, a fucking razor, and some talcum powder. That's it. That's in your travel bag. That was my whole fucking life. That was it. That's exactly what I had. When I left bold, that's what I fucking took for me, the essentials. Nothing else came with me. When I met Terry, that's what I had. So I met her the third day. It was cool.

And then one night she brought her girlfriend over to meet me over at the fucking, over at Ralphie's apartment. Ralphie was out of town. I'm like, come into my apartment. You know what I'm saying? I'm making him believe like, this is my apartment. This is Ralphie's fucking place. I had to tell my, Terry, later on, that's not my place, you know.

So she came over with a girl. We talked. The girl checked me. out, the girl happened to be from Long Island. We had a few things in common. So now Terry had the green light kind of sort of. So the next day, I was broke and I was fucking hungry. I had like maybe fucking four bucks.

And I go, you don't want, I'm going to go take her out to lunch. But she's going to pay. Like, I don't know how we're going to do this. This isn't going to work. And I fucking walked a mile to a house. rang the doorbell. This was nice to get up at 8. And I would fucking kill time.

I would go to like a coffee shop. Because I lived on a couch. When you live on some of these couch, this doesn't mean you sleep till 12. Even if you got in at 4. You got to get up at 8, fold the sheet, put it in the closet, take a shower, and you got to go somewhere.

I would go to a different apartment and write. You know, Celine's at work. Let me go to her apartment in right now. I would go over there and make a pot of coffee, write a little bit, hour and then one day like 12 I was just hungry I thought about her I really had a crush on her

so I walked from my house at the time to her house I didn't have a car nothing I rang the doorbell she came down and buzzed me in I told her I was hungry and I wanted to get some food but I only had like five bucks and she goes fuck it let's chip in and we'll get lunch and she

made me red beans rice and chicken or some shit. And I fell in love. I was like, this is it. This is the girl. And then the next day, I asked her to come to the 4th of July with me in Lake Cabasoo. I was going to take another comic with me. I was going to go with a comic. But the comic wanted to take his girlfriend down with him.

So I would have been the third wheel in the back seat. So I said, fuck it. Let me ask, the comedy store was closed. She didn't have to work. So I said, what are you going to do for the 4th of July? She goes, nothing. I go, you want to go to Lake Havasu? No pressure. We could come back that night. We don't have to sleep there.

She goes, you know what? I'm not doing dick. Doesn't sound like a bad idea. We went to Lake Havas on a date. That was 20 years ago tomorrow. Today, today, July 1st. I have a lot less experience with it. And then the little that I do, there's something,

like you know it's going to work when it's easy. Like when there's no like Like the thing I hate about dating Is like when it's we feel like you're pulling teeth in a conversation And it sounds like it would just eat everything was just just kind of clicked It just it just all came together In about a 10 day period It all came together

And then she understood my situation She understood I lived on a couch She understood This is what I wanted to do I told her that, you know, at that time we were still very early on, you know, but I was attracted to her. I liked her, and she liked me. So I would go to the comedy store, do my thing, wait for her to get off, and then she would come over to Ralphies. We were all like a family.

We'd all go over to Ralphies and eat and smoke and drink and fucking, you know, whatever. She didn't know I was doing blow. She thought I was just drinking. Did your blow slow down at all when you first met? Around her, but then after a while, she would drink. So I knew she wasn't catching it. Like if you were sober, I wouldn't snort around you. But once you started drinking and you got fucked up,

I knew you couldn't tell if I was snorting coke because you would see me drinking. That's wild. If it was a different life, would this be like someone where you get married in six weeks? Like I, no. No. No.

No. I was not going to do them with that mistake. I'm not that fucking stupid. You really have to consider your life. When I got divorced, I saw all my shortcomings. And I wasn't going to put them on another woman unless I worked on those shortcomings. And guess what? After I became a comedian, I had more fucking shortcomings.

Now I had less to offer a woman. I had nothing to offer a woman. What did I have to offer a woman? I didn't have a car. I didn't have an apartment. I didn't have a security. I wasn't stable. I had nothing going from me.

The only thing I had gone from me when I met my wife was I was a member of the screen actors' guilt. I was already a two-year, three-year member of the screen actors' guilt. Besides that, I have no other accolade at that time. I had shot a pilot for CBS, and I was doing spots at the store. she had no reason to believe in me. I was just one of the regular comics that came through the store. Have you asked her where it was that made her stick around?

No, I know what made me stick around with her was a question she asked me like the first three weeks. She said that she could tell I was raised without a mother. And it really bothered me because I had met 2,000 people in my journey. And I took a white chick from Tennessee to tell me that. and that really flipped how I looked at things. And I could also feel that I gave that energy off. So it was a really slow process. Like I kept it really slow at the beginning.

And it's so weird because this episode was really going to be about love. And how when you're looking for love, you make mistakes. And when you're not looking for love, you find the perfect part. You know, everybody wants to fall in love. You know, as a matter of fact, I have two friends that told me within the last week they get married two girls I'm not going to give out the cat out of the hat, but when you motherfuckers find out, your fucking wigs are going to flip. You know, and you think about it. What were, I thought about both of these girls.

You want me to tell you what happened over this pandemic? They saw what it was like to be alone. I told you that, that people were going to really change. These two girls live to be single. And both of them, there's such a huge age gap in these women. One, I could see it that she came to the conclusion that there's a lot more to comedy. I'm not getting any younger, and it's time to somebody really loves me

and they want to marry me. I got to think about it. And one was a young girl that I know that called me and said, I got proposed to what are you thinking? And I'm like, you know, you just had a picture of you on a fucking bikini up on YouTube. And now you're getting married. How did this happen? She's like, you're not going to believe it.

We were friends. We both were in relationships. We broke up with that other significant other. And we stayed friends. And it just happened. And I could see why both of them are making that move. Because this left women with no security. a thousand women realized how much it feels to be secure now.

So now they're looking at men a different way. Like, I don't ever want to feel this alone again. And there's a lot of guys that are probably feeling this way right now. Absolutely, yeah. There's a lot of guys that are going, you know, fuck. I wish I had a girl to talk to three times a week. Somebody would come over. Maybe a girl needs help with rent.

and you guys could, no, no, I'm not making a lewd statement. I'm saying maybe, you know, it's somebody who you're relating to. You're both broke. So you're both putting shit together and eventually you fall in love. It could be a neighbor. It could be a lady up in four-A. You know, things happened during this pandemic. Well, I think it's the one that I just, I don't want,

because that's how I feel, but I don't want to rush into any, where I'm just so desperate to not feel lonely that I'm just going with anybody who has a pulse? And you've already done that. So right now, you're looking. But it's so weird how when all this shit went down 10 days ago, I was talking to my wife and I went and got to let me Bruce's book. And I go, you know, finding this book, yes, he had a relationship with a stripper that was crazy. but where in this book does he talk about love?

There was no love in my life. I didn't want any love in my life because I thought love would slow me down. I thought me falling in love would slow my love down for comedy and slow my momentum down. That's all I honestly, honestly fucking taught. But even if it did,

could it be like, could it be like You live a flow of life with it. Like, yeah, maybe you do slow down a little bit, but you have a better perspective on stage. No, there was no perspective. There was nothing again. It was really weird because when I started dating, since it was the comedy store, we kept it under that.

We said, we're going to keep this professional, so we both don't lose our jobs. So at the comedy store, we're going to be cool as fuck. and then we started dating like in July and one time in September I just went over and stayed for like four days and I was living with her and then that Sunday after

the comedy store her and I went to rock and roll rouse on sunset and who was in there Eleanor. And Eleanor seen this and she goes What the fuck? So we go Eleanor we've been dating but don't say nothing and she goes oh my God this is the

unlikelyest couple like everybody would say and then once we let the bag cat out of the bag a lot of people raised their fucking hand especially to her about me saying what

that I wasn't good for her that we were completely different that was an animal on wheels you know the whole fucking deal and she's like what are you don't think I you know at that time I was getting to fist fights at the comedy store I threw a microphone in a guy

You know, so now I was like fucked up, and she's seeing this behavior. But she didn't turn her back on me. She understood where I was coming from. And whenever, so when she witnessed that behavior, and when people told her how fucking nuts I was, it pissed me off in a way behind my back. It pissed me off and it made me work harder to prove to her I wasn't that person people were saying.

Was it mostly guys or girls talking shit? Both. Really? Okay. Both. We laugh about it today. I don't get that impulse. Because that happens, I think that happens a lot. People like to tear stuff down. One of the best friends I had at the time pulled her aside one night

and told her to be careful with me that I was nuts, that I might fucking just leave, you know. Just craziness. And she told me maybe three months later, and we both laughed about it. And when we got heavy, I pulled the plug on that motherfucker. I never talked to him again because you were cheering against me since day one.

Why, how can I be your friend? Why, we broke bread together a thousand times. Whatever warning he was telling him, I don't know what the warning was because I had been a felon. I didn't know what the warning was. So at what point in this, it sounds like you took it seriously, but like at what point did you see

you really consider yourself in a relationship? Like were you trying to avoid it? I saw myself in a relationship at the 90 day mark but I didn't want like I said I don't like taking people down dark streets

so I didn't I kept her at arms distance even though we lived together. It was very weird. We worked together. So she was with me. If I was there, she was there. If she wasn't working, she was with me. Do you follow what I'm saying here? So if she was working, I was doing a spot. And if she wasn't working, she'd still drive me down to see her friends. At that time, the store was everything to us. So we were down there pretty much seven nights a week. Very seldom.

From the time I met her in June to maybe for about 18 months, we, you know, we were like fucking two peas in a pod. The only time I wouldn't be with her was when I would go on the road with Rogan.

But you said you were keeping her arm's length, like emotionally and like what part? I loved her. I cared for her. but I wasn't ready to get married. I was really far away from getting married. I still had to prove myself to me. I wasn't going to do to her how I failed the first time.

There was no two ways. There was no two ways about it. That I couldn't handle it. I couldn't handle being married the first time and I was a civilian. Here I am fucking married. I'm a comedian? I can't handle it. So for a while there, I was dating her waiting to get dumped.

So I was waiting to get dumped from the comedy store and waiting to get dumped by her. Because I really wasn't doing nothing productive. I was doing spots. I wasn't making any money. I was breaking even. Some months I would make half the rent. Some months I would give it to two installments. I wasn't doing anything sensational out of this world.

I was paying a couple things off at the same time, and then she talked me into going to the IRS. I think it was at the two-year mark, where I realized that I was with a girl who had my back. This was not a one-night stand. This was not something that was, she was my girlfriend to be cool. There was nothing to be cool about by being my girlfriend.

Do you follow you're saying anything that there's nothing to be cool about She sincerely cared about me and I sincerely cared about her I cared about her so much That I was embarrassed about the drugs and that lifestyle That's the only real thing I hid from her I wasn't really and you got to remember one thing The last five years of my addiction I didn't really get high with people somebody sent me an email that my dad said he got hired with you

at 1988 in New York City. Bad news. I didn't live in 88 in New York City. I was in prison, stupid. Tell your father to stop smoking weed, you fucking Momo. So no, I

just didn't want to I didn't want to take somebody down a hole like I did the first time. So I kind of kept out arms distance to the butt, yeah. about the second year. And then I really, I went to sign up at a rehab one time

just to give it a try. If I could make it. I was trying to go in there anonymously without somebody saying, hey, I saw you at the store. Second fucking meeting. Somebody fucking bugged me. So I couldn't go back there.

I even signed up under a fake name, the whole fucking deal. This is before, like, they was asking you for shit this is like voluntary form and you have an ID no I don't have it with me bring it next time yeah I'll bring it next time

get the fuck out of here I can bring it the next time so it took about two years and then three years and I started Karen more and more but at the same time I had to let her know

that comedy was number one at that point and that's very hard in the relationship How did she take it? Like a trooper. And it wasn't by my words. It was by my actions.

She saw me all those nights come home with, you know, she saw me ordering headshots at 9 the morning. She saw me stuff in envelopes. You know, she saw me leave at 10 o'clock to go to cast directors, to drop off things. I just wasn't the guy that got up and stayed on the couch. I got up in the morning I vacuumed. I did some laundry.

I fucking got on the phone. She taught me how to use the computer. I mean, I had no idea how to use the fucking computer. And it was just a process. 2009, we'd have gotten nine years. I went for a Santa Rear reading. The guy talked something about me getting married. I called her up.

I told her we're getting married. She said, yes. I called her father on the phone. he said yes and that was the end of it I married about a month ago I realized that July 1st

is going to be our 20th anniversary and I sat down the living room and I said think about what happened the last 10 years like we went from a couple that was living in a studio apartment

in noisy Hollywood in the hell of Hollywood with 10 cats to move moving to the valley, living a couple life, which was really good. We had date night. We had all this shit. You know, we would go to eat on Friday nights, like nice older couples.

We thought we're never going to have kids. Then fucking life throws you a fucking fastball. And you hit it out of the park. And now we have a kid. That's what happened the last 10 years. Not to mention comedy, CDs, fucking the road. you know, not to mention all these fucking things. It's a bit overwhelming.

It's so weird when you're 20, you really have nothing to look back on. You think life is life. When you get to be 30, you think about your 20s. When you get to be 40, you think about your 20s and 30s now. And you learn more and more about yourself, you know? And it's so weird out of the other day, I'm like, you know, there's so many people who listen to the church that, yeah,

there's a lot of guys in the fucking. and marry, you know, Jay Bish, you know, Bob, you know, a lot of guys are married, you know, Bobby Sharon, they got girlfriends, but there's a lot of guys, and there's a lot of women who listen to the church to the fucking single, you know, and it's so weird how you cannot give up on love, and it's not going to be at a bar, it's not going to be at a fucking love spiritual retweet. It's going to be crossing the street. It's going to be maybe he rearends you

at a mall. And you start talking and you exchange numbers and the guy calls you and asks you for dinner or vice versa. Why does he have to call you? You like this ass, fucking call him, you dirty bitch. You know, I mean, this is what this is about.

How, do you ever think about that, about how when you first met her, you got out of prison, you had been divorced, not talking to your kid, you're broke. You very easily could have told yourself, actually just want to go with me, fuck asking her for coffee.

I'll just go do a bump. Like, how do you stay positive? What people are to understand is one thing. Since we're judging here and we made assumptions of videos here, there's girls that,

there's girls that you were asked to go to the bathroom and do a bump, and there's girls that you ask out for coffee what their behavior is when you ask them is up to them I just meant you even asking Terry out

as opposed to you just being like not even talking to her like having like being open to the even asking someone out I don't know I didn't know if I was lonely I didn't know if I wanted to sleep with her I really didn't know but I knew that I liked her eyes.

I knew I liked her accent. I knew I liked a lot of things about it when I first met her. Her walk, her toughness. She was kind of tough on me when I first met her. I liked all that stuff. So, I don't know if that's your question. Like, it's weird. Like, you know, when you go on the road and you go to fucking a Snake City, North Dakota,

and you get offstage, and you fucking talk to a girl and then, you know, maybe she goes to your hotel room, maybe she does it. You know, what possesses you? What confidence do you have to ask that girl? I mean, she'll tell you, you know. You know, this last couple weeks since these things came out that people were pissed off and whatnot, it's so weird how you think about the comic life. And I'm going to tell you a story that takes me.

back to 1992. Okay, this is how fucking crazy comedy is. Now, let's get something straight. I've always considered myself a thief, a good burglar. I was a good basketball player when I was a kid. There was a couple things I was good at. You know what I wasn't good at? Fucking.

You know what else I wasn't good at either? If I was sober, I would never ask a woman a question. If it wasn't for alcohol and drugs, I wouldn't talk to women. They gave me that confidence. Okay, so let's get something straight right out of the way. If I'm sober, my chances are talking to you, unless you talk to me, are very slimming. Very slim, especially when I was a young man. They were very, very slim, okay?

When I got into comedy, I got into comedy for various reasons. But I never knew. So, I get on stage July 18th, 1991. October, we split up. I meet a girl. She goes to New York. We're talking, but we're not exclusive. I'm living with a roommate at the time.

He's got a couple jobs. but one of his main jobs is selling powder. So one night, I must have stayed in. I passed out early. At that time, I was doing stand-up on Tuesdays and maybe like Thursday nights, but I was eating a ton of volumes, and I was drinking. I was eating a ton of volume because I was selling volume,

and I was drinking, so I would sleep a lot. I would fall asleep whenever I got high. I told that story on Rogan, that Valium sits in your fat. Right. Only half of it gets activated. So one night, guys, I fucking pass out, like, on the couch, watching TV. It's a mutual living room. It's three roommates at the time.

It was just me and him. Now I know what this guy does for a living part-time. He drives a cab. He's a vocational school teacher. He helps young kids get scoffs. scholarships, and he's a Major League co-beiler. That's what helped him finance everything. Everything else was bullshit to cover his income.

I'm sparking another one for you motherfuckers that want to get this party started. It's 4th of July weekend, you cock suckers. The fuck you're doing. Get that thing going. Who gives the fuck your home? You got your fucking business shirt on. You got some fucking New England paid for your shorts on. Who gives the fuck?

You probably just finished whacking all. roll up a number smoking with Uncle Joey this is good as it gets 4th of July weekend no beach they're locking everybody up today you know what I'm saying

by the time this podcast comes out this afternoon California will be in a total fucking lockdown is that so I know so that government Newsom's gonna make an announcement this morning by the time this podcast comes out

Governor Newsom is going to say we're done La Bamba is over Jim's are closing fucking, I hope my daughter's camp doesn't close tomorrow. We're supposed to go to the beach today, so while we're at the beach, Newsom's going to be giving this fucking story. Time for a join.

And now for a word from our sponsor, a fucking number. So I'm living with this guy. He comes home at like three in the morning and goes, Joey, Joey, you fell asleep on the couch. I go, no shit, genius. Let me go up to my room. He goes, no, you can't go up to my room. He goes, you can't go upstairs.

You got to do me a favor. I went to this fucking party, and some guy came up to me. I'm over there. I had a couple packages. I got rid of a couple packages, but this guy asked me for a package. That's a little weird. I go, how much, how big of a package goes an ounce? I go, that's not weird.

I go, how much Coke did the guy buy from you already? He goes, he bought like four grams already. I go, and you come home? I mean, you're already half dead. They would have followed you home if they're the cops. Oh, yeah. So he goes, no, I don't think he's a cop, but I'm not sure. I said, fucking, I had that time, the cops were looking for me.

I had the ACURA, I had the ACU, and I hadn't paid the fucking, the cops were looking for me, the tow truck dude. Oh, no. The tow truck dude was looking for me, so I had the ACAW hidden in the garage, and I borrowed like this fucking, you know, sloppy jolopy that you had a fucking you know it didn't run right and shit and I

parked it around the corner so the people in the tow truck were looking for me I'd be driving around town in the fucked up car you know what I'm saying so I had a little backup car that you couldn't take out of boulder it's going to blow up any day it was going to blow up like a friend of mine just said just hold

on to it when it blows up a bed and shit I'll say it's stolen wiped the fucking wipe the handle bar whatever so I parked it around the corner from the house. So I go, you do this. I go way up to Coke. Give me the address. Tell me what the fucking join is that. I'll go over there. And since it's me alone, I'll make believe I'm looking for an address for a party. So if I got pulled over by a cop, that looks suspicious, I could just say I got invited to a party and you're not with me.

And I'll call you from the party. He goes, there's a girl there that we mutually know. When you get to the party, tell her, and call me, and I'll be here waiting for your call. There was no cell phones back then or nothing. So let's say the join is here. I drive around like four blocks surrounding that, looking for undercover cops. Oh, shit. Okay? Well, I didn't see any unmarked cars or anything.

I went into this fucking party. I see the girl. I go call Manny. She calls Manny. Manny shoots over with the Coke. Mani throws me a taste for being his back of his wingman. And I mingle. I'm mingling with the girl.

I'm talking to people. It's four in the morning. It's a Friday night. We're talking about this. We're talking about that. The chick says, listen, do me a favor. If you want to go to the backyard and talk, go talk because the party's getting bigger.

I have a basement and I got the front yard. But let's get out of the living room. So somebody says there's a pool table And there's a ping pong table downstairs So I go downstairs Guys I'm doing comedy Maybe 14 months I am fucking horrible

I am horrible at comedy I'm going on stage every Tuesday I'm just embarrassing myself every Tuesday I'm going up there with Madonna tits And I'm going up there with a suit Where's Madonna tits? You know, when she did Vogue, she had those two cones. I went up there one week to Vogue with cones.

I mean, I experimented with everything. I've told you before. So I was just a horrible comic. If you think I'm bad now, you should have sung me then. I'm doing comedy about 14 months. I'm downstairs. I'm shooting pool, and there's nobody shooting pool with me. You're like when you're just shooting pool, like I'm shooting,

there's probably six people downstairs. I call awesome this girl comes up to me beautiful I was 30 years old maybe she was 34

35 35 36 37 little older than me she had kids and we start talking one thing leads to another she's storing coke I'm doing coke

we shoot pool I think I beat her in pool and she goes you know what I guarantee you can't beat me me a fucking ping pong. I bet y'all beching ping pong. Ten bucks, ten bucks.

One thing led to another. We played a couple times and it got down to showing me a tits or something or a blowjohn. I don't know what it came down to. We played ping pong for how to fool around with me. We ended up fucking I won. I was not good at ping pong. I think she drew the game.

So I could beat her. And we started messing around She got up, but that's what she said to me when she came downstairs. She goes, when you walked in, I couldn't figure out who you were. That's a point of this whole story. She goes, I couldn't figure out who you were. I go, who the fuck am I? And she goes, you're the host at the broker on Tuesday night.

I go, what the fuck are you talking about? And she goes, fucking, my husband's into comedy. We've gone down to see different comedians. And when you came in, I saw you. Oh, my God, you're a celebrity. I'm like, I'm no fucking, are you crazy? I'm doing comedy 14 months and people, what have you been? And I go, I haven't been in shit.

Like, she told me in front of a bunch of people. And I'm like, no, I got a day job. I haven't been in shit. And I like, what movies have you been? Nothing. I haven't been in nothing. I haven't been in nothing. It's 1990 fucking two.

I haven't been in nothing. I don't even dream about movies. I'm just trying to get on stage a few times a week. But I always think about that. Like that was the beginning. And that's how crazy it was. For a game of fucking ping pong. So for some people listening to this,

yeah, it was 30 and life was a lot different. And your state of mind was a lot different. But by the time I was 37, I was like, this lifestyle can't continue because it's not who I am. But I don't want a girlfriend either. I got to find the happy medium. Well, God didn't show up with a fucking happy medium. God laid it on me.

Like Bon Jovi said, I got it right the first time. And like I said, I kept my addiction from the first couple of years. I talked to her, but I didn't talk to her about comedy. We were tight. We went out to dinner. We adopted cats. I went home to Tennessee with her. But we didn't really, it was like,

A very light relationship. It was until 2004 when I shot the longest shard that I realized she was the woman for me. But I still couldn't waste her time with marriage. Like, I'm not going to waste that time with marriage. I'm a bum. Who cares if I got a movie?

That's just a stupid fucking movie. I know how it is in this town. These people get one movie, and all of a sudden they're fucking moving to Beverly Hills. Then you sit there, Oh, they want you for this. They don't want you for none. Your agent's just blowing smoke up your fucking ass.

So just because I had a movie, didn't mean I was going to propose to it. It just meant it came to me when I got that movie that this was the woman for me. If I was going to go to the next level, I needed her. And it went back to my youth to me telling a friend of mine,

the young girl, wanted to do them. When we were kids, I'm not going to tell you what a name. with, I mean, we were both the same age. We were about 19. And she dated a friend of mine, and when they broke up, this girl wanted to revenge, you know,

one of the fuck as many guys as she wanted her. I never slept with her, but she came up to me to approach this guy one time. She goes, I know you're tight with him. Talk to him for me, fix me up on them. See if he'll take me on a date. I like guys with money. And one day,

fucking around, I said to him, hey man, such and such says she wants you to take him on a date. I go, I hear stories about it. He goes, bro, why would I go on a date with her and ruin what I got? He goes, the woman I'm with was with me when I had nothing. Before these gas stations and the fucking fruit stands and everything, me and her, I went a one-bedroom apartment eating fucking tuna and sardines. How would I ruin it for fucking some 19-year-old, 20-year-old fucking bimbo? That statement rang fucking coaches with me. Yeah.

And it still rings cultures with me today as far as, uh, so the sad thing about this is, the good thing about this is, listen, I stuck with something for 20 years. And I worked really hard at it. Uh, we got tighter over the fucking coronavirus. I told you guys that there was going to be a silver lining. Listen, I'm like you guys. COVID meant pay cut. And meant pay cut.

It was nothing. you could do. There was nothing inevitable about it. You know, I'm not going to collect unemployment whatever, but it's a pay cut. You know, this is what it is. Whether you're in the food industry, can you imagine being open

for a week and now they closed you up? Look at the store. It was open for a night. Yeah, the comedy store, but now they're opening back up to serve food. Okay. So we go down there, maybe one night next week, get a couple chicken fingers and some prize and say hello and you know maybe get Simone to go down there and Dean Dauray and you know no it's a it's a terrible thing that's

so I get what the fuck is happening so uh my point of the story is you know I stuck it out it wasn't it was 20 fucking hell years I changed for her I stopped snort and coke for her uh well you know what I became a man for her. I had to become a man to win her over fully for her to gain confidence in me. And the moral of the story is that, listen, guys, you're never too old. Love is around the corner, man. Love is always around the corner. You cannot control it. I don't know if there's a Cupid. I don't know if there's a Santa Claus. But, and I'm going to tell you something else, that God has put a few good women in my life.

He has. And even when I lived in Boulder all those months, after I got divorced, I met some solid girls that would have ran with me. I just, that wasn't for, that really wasn't for me at that time. So, you know what, man, you kiss a lot of a frog before you get a prince.

With me, I kissed a lot of frogs. I wasn't looking for a prince. and one day a prince just showed up Princess Whatever the fuck you want to call a prince princess I don't give a fuck You guys know what I'm talking about But that's a more of the story man

If you're lonely right now My heart goes out to you But hey There's an ass for every fucking seat And eventually true love will come your way If it's mental Like I said The two women that approached me recently

And told me they were gonna get married blew my fucking socks off because they're both two women that enjoy being single. But this coronavirus, this time being alone, made you realize

this isn't how you want to fucking die. You don't want to die by yourself. You want to die with somebody next to your holding your hand, you know? So I'm very fortunate 20 years today. The sad part about this

I can't even take it to a dinner. I can't even take it to a dinner. Get her chicken fingers at the store. I was going to order her something, and then she told me she didn't want it, and we were just going to go to a fucking hotel maybe for two nights up north, and our plans have been ruined,

but we're going to have a good time today. We're going to go to the beach, and then tonight cook something on the grill, and hopefully this weekend, have a happy, safe water, July, if they shut us down, they shut us down. What do you want me to do? What do you want me to boycott it?

You want me to scream up and down because fucking they, they, they got to wear a mask? Is that what you want me to do is go to a fucking supermarket and fucking yelling scream because they're going to make me wear a mask? Guess what, guys? I didn't like wearing the sleep at me a mask, but I could have fucking died if I didn't wear it. So I learned to like it.

And now, you know what? if we're in it fucking saves other people's lives and it cuts down this horrible fucking thing we're going through and hopefully we get back to fucking normal again I suggest you do us all a favor it's it's you know it's it's fucking American of you I went to the park today I get to the fucking park again no racist comments on the fucking show okay I go you you choose yourself when you you fill in the fucking blank I take my daughter to do the fucking podcast this afternoon From there, I go, honey, you got a lot of energy. Let me take you to the park.

I go to the park. You're not going to believe this, guys. I got my daughter in a fucking tree with red ants. Oh, no. Yeah, she thought, I don't give a fuck. Let her get bit by an ant. Oh, you did it on purpose? Well, I didn't do it on purpose, but, you know, whatever.

I just wanted her to understand. She wants to climb trees and there's ants. She only got bit one time. Nothing happened. You have to go a certain level to get the ants. So I'm sitting there with my daughter. Now, am I the best American? No, I don't vote.

I got felonies. You know, I'm a piece of fucking shit. I pay taxes. I don't want to go to jail. So, but I'm not the best American in the world. Now, the park is wrapped around. There's yellow police tape around it. There's yellow police tape on the fucking swings.

Guess what Uncle Joey sees today. Now, how do you people want me to react? As an American, 40 years ago, I had every right to get a stick and hit these people in the head with sticks and their families. And the coppersed applauded me. So there's yellow tape around this fucking thing.

You can tell they don't want you on this. Now, again, I don't know if I'm being racist. If I am, my early apologies, don't report me to Apple. Joey said racist things. I'm just telling you what I observed. There's yellow fucking police tape. around the fucking children's fucking thing.

They don't want you on there. The only reason why I'm there is I know a tree that my daughter likes. I ride my bike there, and there's a tree that she could stand in the middle and walk up like three steps, and she jumps off. You know how many times my daughter can do that in an hour? 82 times.

All you people, oh, I've been step-jumped and I've lost 11 pounds. Come up against my daughter. You'll fucking die of a heart attack. She can jump on that tree and jump off 82 times. seen her. I've seen to do that for like eight minutes straight. Just jump and pick up a leg is all the way to their chest. So you guys don't know nothing about nothing.

The only people have more cardio than I were the looters. That's it. I'm at this fucking park. I'm mind in my own business. Sober as a fucking judge. Didn't even smoke reef. I think this is my last joint. I ain't got no weed left. So I got to go to a weed store real quick.

I'm a little wild urban trees. Ventura. Maybe I'll throw you over there and I'll make a back switch and go a different weeds to and get you fucking momos waiting over there. So, I go to the park and minding my business. What do you think I see?

A Chinese guy. Oh, wow. In the fucking thing, the toys where the rattle, where there's like a bridge that fakely rattles, like it's like a fucking ramp and Titanic, like people are going to fall off. It's a Chinese man.

With three kids, no mask on, and you ready for this one? Here's the clinker. Badfoot, like Kung Fu. class. Dog, I almost had a fucking heart attack. No mask on. Everybody's looking at them. Like, we let you in. You're cool. And then you got to come to the park. No mask on with those fucking feet. God knows what peanut sauce. It's like someone was trying to get you. Oh, my brother just came to me. My daughter even came over. Looked at me and went, Jesus Christ.

That's how embarrassing it was. And you try to be a nice person. But this is what you see. The thing is roped off. Not only does he go on it, no mask, the kids, no mask, breathing fucking Vietnam air, whatever the fuck they shot over in Vietnam, Agent Orange, all over the fucking playground on kids

with no shoes on. How am I supposed to fucking act? You can't say nothing. 30 years ago, you go up to people go, excuse me, let me talk to you about something. But the mask on or the fucking shoes or I'm going to shoot your fucking kid in the foot or something like that. Seriously, America was completely different.

We've changed our views. You couldn't talk a different language in public in the 70s. You couldn't do it. You couldn't come out here and just speak your fucking language. People go, oh, it's America. But now we've got to be censored to people's fucking feelings. But anyway, who gives two flying fucks about feelings of what comes out of people's mouths? I'm just happy.

It's the 4th of July. We're going to have a good weekend either way when they lock you up or you're not. Listen, if you're having a hard time, you didn't pay the rent. Fuck it, they're going to evict you anyway. Let them get shot. Lock the door, put a fucking bureau in front of there.

Let them barricade you out. You're like one of the fucking looters. Let them fucking shoot tear dust at you. You don't give a fuck. You ain't going nowhere. You tie a rope around the back window, and when you're ready to go, you go on your own terms.

You know what I'm saying? You ain't going on that terms. Fuck them. The sheriff could knock all he wants. I shot the sheriff, but I didn't shoot the deputy. All right? I don't give a fuck no more. The podcast starts with such a loving,

wonderful, like, theme, and then it ends with you, like, barricading. Here's open your apartment. I don't give a fuck. I'm just trying to tell you people the truth. You know what I'm saying? I don't want you to feel bad or, listen, life happens.

You lost your job. You're on unemployment. Ends are in meeting. This does not mean you're a bad person. that means you're a bad, you're a good person, a bad position. Don't let it get to hold to you. Don't let money get the best of you. There's no debt as prison.

This is what it is. You have family. You have your friends. You know, you have your co-workers. You know, call them up. Don't go crazy. You know, March and April, rough on me also.

Coming to terms with all this shit. We've come to terms of it. Let's move on. You know, 2020 is wiped off the place. What do you want to do? You want to cry in your fucking soup. You want to blame it on this. You want to blame it on the political this or the fucking election.

Listen, it is what it is. Oh, Dr. Fauci. Dr. Fauci didn't do nothing. Who knows what happened? This is what they threw at us. Now we've got to accept it. Pick up the pieces and move forward. Moving forward is big right now.

There's nothing you could do. I never said you were a deadbeat. You know what I'm saying? Things happen. So don't take nothing personally. Enjoy the fucking holiday, man. And listen, I've been in worst predicaments. This ain't shit.

They can take away your apartment. They can take away your car. But they can't take away your dignity, who the fuck you are, and what you've worked for. So don't get down. It's the 4th of July. Listen, go buy a bag of weed on fucking Visa.

You're not paying that either. So who gives a fuck? You know what I'm saying? Who gives the fuck? Go get a cash advance and tell Visa, yeah, yeah, I'll keep sending your minimums, up my wage. And when you shut the lights, you shut the lights on all of them. Tell them all to go fuck themselves.

They tricked you. They told all of us that was not going to be in a victim moratorium. Right. And guess what? People are getting evicted. People are getting evicted. So they tricked us. So it's, you know what?

Don't feel bad about it. Shit happens. Well, and that's why I think everyone should do unemployment. Like, do you see today that one of the companies that we gave tax dollars to is going to charge something like $70,000 for a COVID-19 pill? Like something crazy when we gave them millions of dollars. What do you want to do? You didn't know that that's how the scam works? Who gives a fuck about that?

I'm talking about individuals as a whole. Get your unemployment. I think there's a big stigma against it. If you worked and earned your unemployment, I'm not saying ask for free money, but if you work and paid into it. If you work for it, get your money. Fuck yeah. I told you since day one. I've told you this day one how to handle this.

I told you since day one. So I don't want to fucking hear it. But I do sympathize with a lot of families that are missing meals. I sympathize with a lot of men who are feeling down right now. I sympathize a lot of women who are feeling down right now. Listen, it's just money. It does not reflect on you. Depression should not sick in.

get a notebook right what you're doing right out of plan how you're going to get yourself out of this don't be proud your mother's got a basement move in it you know your mother-in-law's got a basement move in it I rather you have something than nothing and have a chance to start over and that's it and that's that

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I eat one of those and I eat an apple. Booyah, boom! That's what fucking Honit does for you. But don't, listen, go to audit.com right now. Start with the Alphabet. You ever go to a Chinese restaurant? You don't order the fucking lobster countenies off the back. You start off small.

They fuck a dumpling up. If you see a mouse tail on the dumpling, you pay the bill and you tell Johnny Wu you're out of there. You know what I'm saying? It's all over. Same thing with Honour. Start with the Alpha Brain. See how it works.

See how it affects your mind. You focus. You're thinking. And then get back to me. If you don't like it, they give you 100% money back guarantee and they don't want the product back. Nobody will sell you that product with that type of claim.

That's what Honet is doing to you to keep your honest. So go to audit.com right now. Pressing code. church when you're checking out I don't expect you to go on there and spend thousands right now but right now you're going through a dark time I don't know what the fuck you're going to

you need some focus start with fucking alpha brain and then get to me after that all right go there start with the small alpha brain all I'm trying to do is tell you to click in church boom and get 10% off delivered to your house

and that's it and that's it and that as far as comedy dates are concerned I got nothing go fuck yourself the board is clean we're living in a fucking pandemic you know people are shooting each other I'm gonna sit at home my family mind my business and smoke reefer and I suggest you do the same

do not forget this weekend me and Lee I don't know if it's gonna be Friday or Saturday we're gonna pop up with a little Instagram live wish you a personal fucking happy 4th of July and just to checking when you're gonna be a long week I know it's half of you guys are gonna be sitting there

with your finger up your ass You've already watched everything on fucking Netflix, the French stuff, the Chinese stuff. You use VPN to get you fucking. Express VPN. Express VPN to get you the anime. You know, you've done it all. You're sick of watching. We're going to call up on you.

We're going to sneak up on you maybe Friday or Saturday night. Say hello and checking with your motherfuckers. Besides that, I want to thank you guys for listening every week. I want to thank on it. But you motherfuckers, it's Wednesday, bitches. July 1st, the renters do. And who gives a fuck? You know what I'm saying?

You were looking for a job when you had that one. They could all suck your dick and call you Shorty. See you Monday morning with the church. Brand new fucking Monday, ready to rock. The 5th or the 6th of July. Can you believe it's going that fast? Stay black. Have a good weekend.

Lee, kick this motherfucker, Mio G.