The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #801 - Josh Wolf

Episode Date: July 6, 2020

Josh Wolf, stand up comedian and host of the "Fairly Normal" podcast, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt LIVE in studio! This podcast is brought to you by:   ZipRecruiter - post your job to 200+ job sites with a single click for free at www.ziprecruiter.com/worktogether   CBD Lion - For all of your CBD needs, from shatter to gummies go to CBDLion.com and use code CHURCH for 20% off.     

It's Monday, July 5th. Greetings from Podcastville. The church of what's happened now is brought to you by ZipRecruiter. Listen to me. During this time of change, we want you to know that ZipRecruiter's focus hasn't changed. They're still doing what they've always done, helping people find work. And they're helping businesses find the right people for the job. If you're looking for a job, ZipRecruiter is working with you to find the right.

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Press in, church. Get this fucking party started, Lee. It's Monday the fifth, motherfucker. It all starts fucking to that wreck. No more fucking excuse me. This is the year of the fucking soldier. We're going in like fucking Marines. You understand me?

Welcome to church, motherfucker. Oh, shit. Here you go. Monday morning. It's a beautiful Motherfucking Day to be alive. Shit's crackleacking. Had a great weekend this weekend.

Everything's beautiful. Happy Fourth of July. We didn't get to see each other on Friday or talk. But I hope all you motherfuckers had a happy fort. Hopefully you got all your fingers. I know a lot of motherfuckers

are walking around with eight fingers today in the story. You know what I'm saying? A lot of motherfuckers walking around with eight fingers. A couple guys are just elbowing it to death right now today. The fuse went too fast.

You know what I'm saying? I've been there. I've seen fingers flying. No biggie. No biggie. You'll be right in about a year. By next 4th of July, you'll learn a new fucking drill. You'll learn how to throw it with the hook.

You know what I'm saying? And you'll be fine. The hook always works. The firecracker goes farther when you use a hook. Josh Wolf, did you see that? Did you see the aerial footage of L.A.? Like, next time, just fucking tell people. Yeah.

You can't make dick illegal now. Not right now. No. People are going to blow off. There were bombs going off by my house. I woke up this morning. It was a leg in front of the little Iraqi leg in front of my house. I just threw it in a fucking garbage.

There were more fireworks in my neighborhood. But like, not like, pop, pop, like legitimate firewood. I was in my office. I thought a bomb went off. I went to check on my family. I'm like, you guys are all right. I will tell you, though, July 5th is the best day. Today was the best fucking day to go on.

YouTube because all you see is drunk people fighting at barbecues, people holding on the firecracker for too long, and white dudes firing firecrackers out of their asshole. It's the fucking best day to be on YouTube. You see more dudes with bottle rockets propped up on a four chair. Yeah, today was the day to be on YouTube. You know what else today? Last week I did a podcast. Ready for this one? About how was my wife's and I 20th anniversary last Wednesday. But you know it's also what this week is? It's our 25th anniversary.

We met July 2nd, 1995, this weekend in Seattle. In fact, it was the same setup because we did have an open mic Monday. The 4th of July was Saturday. And I went down to the underground. I looked in the window. I'm like, oh, my God, I rubbed the brick.

I'm like, I'm finally here at the underground, shit. And then we had an open mic Monday. You came in with your hat and I jumped right on your dog. What's up with the boss in that? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm surrounded with all these people with Yamacazana. Whatever the fuck. But it's 25 fucking years I know you now.

Holy shit. I didn't want you to feel old, but fuck it. My fucking God, 25 years. You came on on a Monday. You got to go back to Lobo Loco. And then I think we finally, Tuesday you hung out. That's Tuesday you can hang out. That is crazy.

25 years this week. I had no idea it was this week. I got there like July. I did the triple run. When you got there, how soon did you make it down to the underground? Like how long had you been in Seattle? You got there and did a triple run? You want the truth?

Yeah. I did the triple run on a Saturday night. It had to be, I was in, LaGrange, Oregon. With Carol? No, I was alone. See how far it is from LaGrange, Oregon to

Seattle, Washington. So you were by yourself? I was by myself. My deal was to do a triple run to lead me to Seattle, to drop me off a few hours from Seattle. Do you have any,

do you remember at all who you were doing that run with? Some shitty fuck. Oh, no! No! I don't remember his name, but he was a really, really, really good guy. As a matter of fact, he lived in like Laguna Beach. It's about 325 miles. So 325 miles divided by 70 miles and hours, what? Five hours.

Five hours. I think I did it in like three hours. Because she was getting out of work at the strip club at two. And I beat her to her apartment. She left me a key under the mat. Yeah. and I went in and she came home in the strip club. So that was a Saturday night at two.

I was at the underground the next day by lunchtime, had attention. Yeah, man. You understand me? I don't know what you're talking about. She's talking about going to pick her at Pike's Market. Yeah. I'm like, go fuck your mother in the air.

Let's go see the underground first. So we took like a fucking cab down to the underground. It was closed. It was lunchtime. I was like, fuck and I rubbed the brick. I could tell that there was a bar. Like, I was like... The bar upstairs.

What the fuck is this? This is not what was told. And how had you heard about the open mic on Monday? Did you ask somebody at Swanis? Because there wasn't like an internet. You were looking at up. It was closed that Saturday. Yeah.

And it was closed that Sunday for the 4th of July weekend. Got it. So I called like Monday and Ron Reed called back. And he's like, oh, tonight's the open mic. Because I let all, Rick Currance gave me the... the, do you remember? Rick Kerns gave me the,

he goes, when you go up to tell Ron Reed, you're a friend of mine, tell Fox you're a friend of mine. So I called Ron Reed, and Ron Reed just said, go down to the thing and sign up. Carl was there.

The best. He put me up like number one because they always put you up first. The first night you went. Yeah. You went up first. Whoever hosted got 50 bucks. Yep.

How much is 50 bucks back then? A lot. When you host on a Monday and you got 50 bucks. Come on man. And then my girl had the contest in Tacoma. Oh yeah. Susan Jones. Yeah. The fucking thing in Tacoma. Yeah. That's how we made a living Mondays. Mondays was our big living. If you won the contest, you won a yardstick and you'd come back to follow on Monday and host. But also, you know what else you, we did a bunch up there was we would find, we would find one-nighters that we knew weren't going to last.

but for like two or three months you got a paycheck to host or whatever you know what I mean like we we must have I personally must have started and failed 15 rooms at least right I mean so fucking many

so many lose but like I still remember you taking me to an under we used to do it was pretty much the same shit Monday Tuesday was the underground

Wednesday was a Laura Crockett gig, one of those gigs. Thursday we crashed somebody's... No, Wednesday we still had the underground because Wednesdays, it was still somebody's night. Yep. So if Lee Sayyat had a night, sorry Lee, we're coming down.

Yeah, we're coming down. We did a lot of people's nights on Wednesday. We're coming down on Wednesday night. Don't worry about nothing. Did any of those guys let you tour with them up there? Who took you out on the road? Vince Falunzuela. So I got there on a Monday, all right? Yeah. I got there a Saturday. This is how I

people like I tell people like listen when you're dealing with me you're dealing with the wrong guy like when you if you come to me and tell me your story you're dealing with the wrong guy because you're not going to stop me yeah so I got there on a Saturday at two in the morning I was at the underground at 12 the next day which is the Lord's day and it was close yeah okay yeah you want to talk about love for comedy and then I was back there Monday the open mic started eight, I was there at seven. At attention, like a fucking, like I was about to go on in Madison Square Garden.

I went up there, he told him we come back tomorrow night. Then I came back the next night. And then Wednesday, somebody turned me on to something, somewhere in Ballard. Yeah, Wednesdays were also the pizza. Those were the nights that we would find a place just to fucking, if you give us $150,000, we'll put up 15 comics, or we'll put up four comics, whatever we can put together.

And then, you ready for this? That Thursday, I already got a call. I'm going to remind you of another story that you're going to, so all these people at home could remember. That Thursday, I already had a call from John Fox. You're working Friday and Saturday in Idaho at that fucking. Moscow? Moscow, Idaho.

And you know who the headliner was? Wait. Vince Valenzuela. Get out. And he treated me like a gentleman. He was a good dude. He's a good dude. He's on Facebook.

Yeah. I sent him a message a while ago. He didn't hit me back. I don't know if he does comedy anymore. He does, he does. He's a great. He was a brother to me. He's a super nice guy.

You did that for, you did that gig for $50. Well. 75 bucks and he mailed you a check. Yeah. A month later. A month fucking later. Yeah. You had to drive back from there hungover as fuck.

Because they would send you a prairie farts. Yeah. Which is tequila with tobacco sauce in him. Yeah. I remember still seeing the New England Patriot quarterback at the airport. Drew Bledso. Drew Bledso. We went to that school.

Washington State. Washington State. So it was fucking crazy. Because Moscow is right across the line from Washington. So Washington State and what's in Moscow is what? University of Idaho maybe, something like that. So they're right next to each other. So yeah, those Washington State guys came through all the time.

Before the first week, I already featured for Vince Valenzuela. I drove home on fucking Saturday going like, wow. Now it's that easy. Like I just came up here. Yeah. And bit slap motherfuckers into a first week of work. That's fucking crazy. Okay.

Then me and him were eating lunch. I was eating free lunch at his bar one day. About three or four weeks later, I'm eating fucking the chicken moly. That was tremendous. Oh, that dude made the best chicken moly. What a fucking thing you're dealing with? And I would just leave him a shit. And he would give me like a check and I was pushing away.

And his brother with the fake eye because he got stabbed in it? Yeah. You can't write this shit. You can't write this shit. You can't write this shit. I'm up there with him. Do you still remember when Homeboy walked in and started a fight with me? You don't remember that fight that day.

Because I went up there with fucking roller skaters. Like I was in no mood. I just came from Denver. Oh, no, no, no, no, no. You still remember who was what? Yeah, yeah. I just came from fucking Denver where there's no action where I would drive to fucking Wyoming to do a little.

open mic you got the wrong motherfucker you got the wrong guy I would drive to Wyoming on Thursday nights to do an open mic so stop with your bullshit so right after that I fucking wanted a tear because then Alberto gave me work the following week the Cuban guy yeah yeah at the old improv the improv at closed in Seattle was right across and right across from Pike's market and then we were going to bar downstairs across the street oh come on who the fuck you think that was the old improv theater I think thing The club was the improv theater. Out there was after Steve McGrew got involved.

So it was a theater. That was the improv. Across the street from Pike's Peak is deja vu. Oh, yeah. Fifty ugly girls and one fat one. Whatever. And then across the street from that is Pike's Market in those days. And across the street from Pike's Market, on the side was a little bar we used to go on the side.

You could sneak in. It was a white people bar. But Ronald used to take this. Yeah. Rod Long used to take us. Likeskin brother, married to a white chick. Good dude. Good dude.

I just talked to him a couple weeks ago. Really good dude. Every time I see, I showed, I called my wife, my, I call him Zambo, but I call my daughter Zambo. But he was good to you up there, too. Rod Long was my brother. He was really good to you. That was one of the headlines. Yeah, man.

He was good to you. He was like, Rogan. Yeah. He was like, bring it, bitch. Yeah. He was good to you. He was like, bring it. You're going to go up there and throw heat because I want to follow you.

He was a really solid guy. I still leaving messages. Eddie, what do you? think of I was a little. And he'll call me back Joe Dias. What the fuck is wrong with you?

Joe Dias. Yeah, man. He was a good guy. Who was, so the first person... He used to have an altoid can. Yeah. Filled with the best weed. Yeah.

That was growing in the... He had good weed. Every time he'd show up and he treated it like a fucking, like a pot of gold. It was an altoid can that he'd fill up with weed that was just...

I remember trying to steal a butter from him time he's like Joe Diaz don't think about it because we drove to LA one time we drove here together you did me and him what we stayed how fucking crazy wait what what you was that he drove me down for the Latino laugh festival showcase when you want to talk about a lucky dude motherfuckers okay I just mentioned it to him I just go I got to come up with money for this festival I got to go to LA showcase and he goes I got to go to LA next week set up and next week and I set it up and he had a break because he was an artist yeah he used to take pictures on the road yeah he would take pictures on the road he loved going on the road because his thing was to

take pictures and then he'd come home and fill it in with paint and he would sell him he had like a big fucking market for those before the internet mm-hmm I fucking like he was like a mentor to me like he used to tell me how to act how to crack jokes he was a great writer he had a bit do you remember his opening joke that he would do almost everywhere he would say I was because Bellevue was a super white place and

he would always say I was over in Bellevue today at the mall and I could hear the security guy behind me go, I'm gonna need some help. There's a black guy here who's clearly not big enough to be a Seahawk or a Sonic. That was his he used to, wherever he was something. I

butchered that joke if he's listening. One Sunday night. But that he used to. I love to laugh at comedians. I love when a comic fucking just throws me off. Sunday nights were shit nights there, especially after football or a mariner game. Yeah. The upstairs would be packed.

Yeah. I mean, ask them. We would have the Seahawks upstairs. We would have the man. Yeah, when the Yankees were in town. The Yankees. I still remember hanging with Christian Fourier. Yeah.

Who became a New England patriot later. Man. He was a Seahawk. Because I knew him from Boulder. Dude, I knew him from Boulder. Him and Chad Brown. Yeah.

I remember going upstairs and seeing him and him going, what the fucking you do? And I'm like, holy shit. Yeah. You're here. He's like, I got drafted by Seattle. He used to be out. That's the bar we were at. He was out all the time.

Every night. Every fucking night. I got a snuck coming out of my nose. It's terrible or loose hair or some of shit. But those are the people that hung out upstairs. Yeah. Eddie Vedder was up there one night with McDowell. Jack McDowell.

Jack McDowell. I mean, it was just a party. And some of them used to get behind the bar and bartender. And bartender, Filipino bartender, who hated me. He did. He gave him some coke one night and then he went off. After that, he started liking me. He started giving me a tab.

And he started taking Cammy that way. What was the name? William. Billy. You could hear Billy laugh. We had some good people down in that. In that kitchen. Dog, it was like.

Do you remember the weekend? It was that Rick, Burns was in town. It was me, you, and Rick Ernst. And so, Friday night, Rick does two shows. We all do two shows together. And he crushes, and I come down Saturday, and I sit in the green room. He was like, I haven't met you before. I'm Rick.

I'm like, I opened for you last night. He goes, yeah, I don't remember last night. I still remember me and Josh opening up for the black dude that rented the Jaguar and took us to the strip club and gave us James Stevens the third. James.

Stephen's the third. Doug, this is how back we go. He took me and Josh, open friends. Me and Josh he was the best. Just macked on to his show.

We just macked on to his show. He was on the Stephanie Miller show. And when he heard, he was coming up to town. Me and Josh were like, we're in there. We were like a tag thing. Like, it's all over.

We're going in there. That's ours. Steve is the third, man. We had Ron Reed. So Ron Reed's wife, God rest his soul, was his manager. So we'd see Ron and go, Ron.

We see that. I still remember Louis C.K. Yeah. Coming. Like, I still remember Doug Stanhope coming. Do you remember he taped at, Lewis C.K.? The Stanhope taped a CD there.

A CD there. I still remember hanging with Mitch Hedberg, God rest of snow. Yes. This was like a fucking great club. A lot. A lot with Charred Hogan.

And what was the Ramona? Ramona. Right? And we had the fucking. And we had a transvestite that did comedy. Rita O. We had a fat black chick that was hysterical that did comedy. We had a little black guy.

What was his name? Cliff Barnes. Cliff Barnes was my dog. Yeah, dude. Rambula. We have-Han, but La Hyes down here, man. Yeah, Le Hyes down here. He just reached out a couple weeks ago.

We had this little comedy family. But one day, so right away, I got work from Alberta, the Cuban dude. He was kind of gay. Yeah, and by the way. We didn't know for sure. Also, Brody, Taney. Brody, Tena. I mean, this was like, so now I get, so my July was pretty much,

Moscow, Idaho, Alberto. I picked up the volcano room. Oh, yeah. That was in the Tri-Cities. Yeah. That was like fucking big time, 375 for the weekend. What was the name of the woman? Donna Richards.

Donna Richards. Donna Richards. Donna Richards booked the volcano room over by Idaho. There's a city by Idaho. Spokane, something else, and something else. It's called it. cities. Yeah.

And it mixes. So it was like a three-hour drive. Rodney Sherwood was the first guy. He was my dog. Dude. He was fucking funny. Funny guy. No room.

What was the name of the room you and I and Lenny Schmidt did? That was in Roseburg. That was Roseburg, which was death. That was where the strip club, the DJ, she was the MC. She was the way to. and she was the stripper. And then the Chinese restaurant we did was Calloons. That's why I sold them for the half ounce of weed.

But Calloons also had a restaurant. And Eugene, that was off the chain. They had pork fried rice. They would fry the rice and then give you a huge slices of fucking barbecued pork on top of that. Fucking tremendous. Fucking tremendous. But so I'm rocking and rolling.

Guys, I was. You ever see the Sopranos when the guy from Broadwalk Empire gets out of jail and he goes to see the old guy? Yeah. The guy that was in Scarface, you know. I'm not good with me. The guy from Scarface that played the White D. Yeah.

That Tony kills for Michelle Pfeiffer. He's on the Sopranos. Remember he came out of jail? And there's one scene where he gives him an envelope. And fucking the guy from. boardwalk empire goes what's this and he goes

you just got out a week ago and he goes bro I came out I hit the ground running like when you come out you hit the ground running you don't look back and when I went to Seattle like I was like I'm not here to make friends

I'm here to become a way better comic so I went on a tab like I got everybody's phone numbers and from Monday to Friday and those days on Mondays you had a Facts of Vails. You had the facts of veils to Pat Wilson, Donna Richards, your manager, John Fox. You had a, that was what you did.

Not Monday at 2, not Monday at 11, not Monday at 9.30. Monday at 8.59. How many? I was already at the store because at 9, I was on the phone with the guy from Giggles. Okay? So that was my work. What was his name? And I was snort and blow back then.

Oh, yeah. Oh, I was doing it all. I don't want to hear those stories about it. Yeah. That's why I love people. Like, oh, yeah, well, nothing's happened. No. I went to Seattle and I hit the ground running so hard in the month of July that, like, by mid-August,

already in July I got in the underground. I was supposed to leave. I wasn't supposed to stay in Seattle. Yeah. That's what nobody doesn't know. I wasn't supposed to stay. I was supposed to be back in Colorado, August 15th, for football season. But John Fox called me and gave me Memorial Day, Labor Day weekend to open up for Lori Kilmartin.

As a feature act at the underground, everybody could suck my dick in those days. Yeah. When you feature at the underground, you're a feature. Yeah. That's it. Yeah. That's it. No more I'm seeing.

Bye. Yeah. So I'm going to go back to Boulder and get into a fight with my ex-wife or not. knock out the boyfriend or go to prison. I got a feature. I just let life contradict. I did not know. Pretty good.

Not bad. I didn't know you were supposed to go in August. Yeah. No, I left it in God's hands. When I went to Seattle, I put it in God's hands. I said, God, you tell me what you want me to do. I got a daughter in Boulder. They don't want me.

She doesn't want me around. I'm going to go in a jail. You let me know what you want me to do. And every weekend in Seattle, Boom, Donna Richard. Boom, Pat Wilson. Boom. Omar, the gay guy, whatever is Alberto.

Yeah. You know, then fucking he called me. You know, John Fox called me. What are you doing in Labor Day? And I'm like, I'm going to be back in bold. And he goes, well, I want it to offer you this weekend. And I'm like, I'm doing it. Yeah.

And that was it. That was it. Hell yeah. I said, where the fuck am I going to go? I was fighting for my life. from bolder i was living in the rocky apartment doing six set spots a week driving 22 hours a week here just on tuesday and went monday i got three spots yeah because then you started taking me to a place where the lip worked the first place we met the lick was at a bar they had cages yeah yeah yeah

yeah yeah they had cages and we went up he said come do com oh there was there was there was birds there was No, no, no, no. Not the bird place. This was still in Seattle. Oh. We used to have to get in the car and make go. The street going into the underground came this way. Yeah.

We would have to make a left and go up that side street. Oh, yeah. And then go up a little bit. And then you went up there and it was like a tool hip bar. You went downstairs and there was girls dancing in cages. And Lilip was a nice guy. It's like if Damon, like if you had a fucking bar and you're like, come down Tuesday.

You want to do comedy come down. Yeah. There was no Mike. There was nothing. There was no. Did you tell anybody why you come in the lip? No, no. It was me, you.

And we like gang sat racked the place. But it was like six of us. Gavin always came with us. We would go up eight bucks. Let me get six beers. There's only eight dollars here. That's what it is. You say it with confidence.

Oh, you guys want mugs. No. If I wanted a mug, I'll ask you for a mug. There's six of us with a comics. And we're doing beer, all right? We want beer, and we got $8. Talk to the owner. He'll tell you.

And then we're like, look at this. Like, what the fuck of these girls saying this? Dude. So we went, you know, so the lip, the lip was like, like it. The lip used to get these huge sores on his lip. It was herpes, mixed with AIDS, mixed with, like, Seattle juice, some grunge. I had never seen anything like that on somebody's body. They were these massive.

And he never mentioned it. Now, he just talked to you with the hurt about the blowing your face. And you accept it. You just talk to him like, if it blows up, I hope it doesn't hit me in the mouth. This dude never even mentioned it. And he was good looking as fuck. Yeah, man. That's what it was.

He had herpes from slinging dick. Yeah. You know, he had herpes from slinging dick. And, by the way, that huge thing on his lip never stopped him from picking up with it. No. He would pick up things. He'd make up. out with them. They wouldn't even ask.

He was like sweet Dick Willie. They wouldn't even ask. He was that good looking. He was that good looking guys. And he, I never forget the first time we showed up. And he's like, all right. He's like, who's going up first?

And we're like, are you going to turn the music off? Yeah. Like, it was like fucking, like, you know, that crazy music. It wasn't a grunge or nothing. It was like white people, like make believe white people. Like, you know, it was a lounge and shit. We're not just going to walk up there. He's like, yeah.

Go up there. And I remember, like, three of us went up. All three of us ate a bag of dicks. And then we had a lot of talk with him. Like, listen, we'll come up here, but you got to set it up for us. Yeah. You can't just have us coming here. You can't turn off the music.

You got to turn the music off. You got to let people know all this comedy. These are not comedy people. These are beautiful people. You know those people? Like, they're beautiful people. Like, they have minx on in July. Shit like that.

Those are the type of people there are. There's nothing worse than staying in front of a room of people who don't know they're going to see common. No. They didn't even know. Because they don't want that. That's the last thing. You never want to be surprised with a stand-up.

If you want to go see stand-up, you fucking go see stand-up. So right away, people were like, what the fuck is this? And the music was going and the girls were dancing. It was a no-win. but the worst no win we ever had do you remember that place i think it was in kirkland that had the birds in the cage in the back yeah he were fucking church during your set it was just like and you'd be on stage and the parrot was the size of a zoo he was he was huge and he would chip on shit he'd be eating and the microphone would pick it up and you're like i can't win

Can this fucking... And then it was like a piano in the room. Yeah. You know, if all you guys think that comedy's like this fucking luxurious career. Oh my God. It really isn't. Like the first couple years...

A couple years? First 10 years. If you don't have a sense of humor, you are not going to make it. Like Felicia told me a story one time when she had to go to New York to showcase and she had no money. And Dennis Lurie said you could stay at my apartment.

I don't stay in there. and that she went, and there was the dead of winter, and the window was broken, and that there was no blanket, that she had to lay on the floor, and the window was broken. And she's like, this is comedy. This is what I chose. I go, did you feel bad? Were you scared? She goes, no.

And then, like, an hour into the night, what's his name for the Tonight Show, open the door? I used to book, he was like a regular comic. Felicia said, he didn't know I was staying there. So he came over one night, and that's how they became friends. The guy that said girls aren't funny. He used to book letter to him. Yeah, I know you're talking about it. She goes, that's how I met him.

Was it Dennis Lerry's apartment? She's talking like 1989 or something like that. So these are the stories that everybody thinks it's like this fucking, I still remember there were nights. If I didn't, if I got caught in Seattle and fucked around, I would miss the last bus to your house in Belved. Mm-hmm. And I would have to sleep at Fouca's house, which was a pleasure also.

Who's house? You never knew what was going to happen. Wait a second. There you go. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. That's that fucking Israel milk. That's that Israeli milk.

Look at Lee. He's still fucked up. He's 420 milligrams. 48 hours in. His eyes haven't been open since I got. I walked in here. I'm not even going to eat tonight. I want to hold off and wait and see if I can fight off the munchies.

That's the last words. I mean, but what? I mean, he's got food on his shirt. Water and I spit up. Oh, my God. You have no idea, guys. We got fucked up last night. My wife found an apple core in the blanket in the living room.

She said what she got up this one. She goes, I go to fold a blanket. And there's an apple core. What the fuck are you doing? last night. She goes, what did you drink? I made a protein shake. I ate a couple fucking apples, but

the dog at night, I'm on a different level. And you got to remember, I hate what Lee ate yesterday. Plus, 100 milligram tube of quickies, which the guy that I gave a tube to he's still fucked up today. He called me to me. He goes,

you got me. He goes, oh my God, I was fucked up. I go, what happened to you? right after you left he runs in subconscious Jiu-jitsu I gave him a tube I went over there like 4 in the afternoon

I'm bored as fuck yesterday I'm about to die this is the worst 4th of July Saturday that was the worst thing by the way that was the worst thing

I've ever suffered through my right you love fucking people up you abs you take you fucking there's certain holidays you need to be fucked up holidays, days, hours. Yes, Saturday.

It's 6 o'clock on a Tuesday. My wife has a friend and the kid wanted to come over and play with mercy so we agreed to ride bikes. So we rode bikes for fucking two hours. And we would have to stop

every like 15 minutes and fucking talk. It's just not my 4th of July. I'm not cut out for that shit. You know what I'm saying? I look like Johnny Picnic. I'm not Johnny Picnic. I want to eat at a table. I'm not into picnic. camping people don't bathe that's it i don't like none of that shit you know i'm gonna talk to you the morning i know you didn't shower yeah i know you didn't shower and you want to talk to me about

what you know so i'm really i got it was just the worst fortune so i ever when it ended when we got home at 3 30 my wife knew just by looking at me i took the bike i helped to carry the shit in i took my bike i put it in the back i went to look at the weed and i had like an eighth left of some dynamite shit I did two bong hits and I'm like this isn't going to be enough if I am so bored on the 4th of July I'm gonna fucking cry

but there's only one thing I could do to stop me from crying like I'm just gonna load up on edibles so I went over to urban trees I bought two quickies what's a quickies quickies is a tube it's a hundred milligram it's like a five hour energy of fucking TSC

a five hour energy drink oh it's a drink yes like five hour energy but they have an indica or sativa they have that nighttime blend okay they don't even sell that those you can blend the stuff you know what I found out the end of the

I found out that ABX which I love has a sleeping blend like what the fuck are you talking I know if I take two of these I'm sleep walking you know what do you mean a sleeping addition yeah yeah I didn't even know

I went to urban trees I go what the fuck is this they having like them 25 or 50 milligrams that must be perfect that'll kill somebody yeah so what they're doing is now is they're putting like melatonin cbn fucking the other shit root i drink a tea that's three milligrams yeah i dare you motherfuckers to drink it kikomo tea three milligrams three milligrams of t hc three milligrams of t hc three milligrams of t hc Three milligrams of CBN, not CBD. What's CBN? Cuts your legs on.

Your legs start wobbling shit. It's like you got punched in the head. And how do I know? Because I overdose on that shit every night. I don't drink one tea bag. I do three. Okay? So that's nine milligrams of T.HC.

CBN and like everything else I just told you about. Yeah. Melatonin, fucking Echinacea roots. anything that puts you to sleep it's all put into one thing that's brilliant that is the most brilliant thing I ever heard you sleep through the night

oh you will sleep during the night during the day you know you'll sleepwalk and here's the thing that people do not know the one thing I always avoid like when I have a lot of anxiety

the doctor prescribed the little white ones and those little white ones don't do no like I don't take him at night because you can't sleep on you sleep apnea you can't take X-that's what people don't know people don't know that you can't take

sleep AIDS or you have sleep apnea that you'll rest too much and you'll fucking die a friend of ours died from that there's a comedian who died to have a sleep apnea taking Xanax and drinking and didn't use a machine and he died

so I made it a habit But those CBD things, like CBD from CBD line, if I do the 2,000 milligrams under my tongue, it takes me a longer time. It's an hour until I fall asleep. But when I hit, I'm hitting. You're hitting. You hit hard. You're hitting. You hit hard.

So when you take all that shit and sprinkle 100 milligrams of THC in it, and not just 100, they put 99 in to keep it at the legal level, okay? Because you can't sell 100 milligrams. So how high are you? How long are you high? Okay, so let's talk. Forever. Let's talk narcotics here. This fucking butt.

He gets high for three. Look at him. He's still high from last night. He's still high from last night. So are you. No, I'm not. I burn it off. I burn it off.

I get on that bicycle. I sweat it out because I know more is coming in. Do you know what I'm saying? Like I know what type of day I'm going to have. I prepare my day mentally. I prepare already for tomorrow. I know what I'm going to do. I know when I can do it and when I can't do it.

I got to be at the gym at $10.45. So I have an appointment. So I know. But after that, I'm loose. I don't have to go to the comedy store. It's a loose. It's not like I have to stay sober for anything anymore. You know what I'm saying?

By the way, you just perfectly described my entire time during quarantine. I'm loose. I'm loose. I'm loose as far. You have nowhere to be. I'm super loose. Why are you doing this? this to yourself. Why are you living

like a half a fag if you don't have to? There's nowhere to be. Super loose. This is the time to do heroin. Whatever you want to do? This is the time. I told you. I've been taking a bunch of mushrooms. Oh, I know. This is the time. Super loose. So if you're going to go, go.

Now, I was so fucking bored on the 4th of July. I was about to kill somebody. There was not a soul on the streets of California. Not a soul. I walked into the weed store. I was like Frankenstein. And they're like, hey.

So they just stacked me up. I said, listen, it's a bad day. The chick's like, okay, honey. And she just started putting quickies in there. She put two things of pills, I don't know what they called. That's a complete different level. Oh, they were a complete different level.

The last time I gave it to him, he like ate him. And like eight minutes later he goes, I can feel these already. Right? They just go off. Are they the same type? No. They're like little fucking.

in pills. They come 10 in a container to 25 milligrams a piece. You're going to go down hard. So I bought two canisters of quickies, two canisters of those. Now, no, I got these everywhere. You see these? I got these everywhere. So I fucking was driving out Lancash, I saw my boy sitting there by himself. I go, how can I let him? What kind of gentleman am I? I got to let him sit by himself on the 4th of July.

So I made the U-turn and I go back. I went in there with both tubes of my head. Yeah. He was eating like eating like five guys. No, he was eating Jersey mics. And he's like, how are you doing? I go, good. I go, I brought you a present.

He goes, what is that? I go edible. He goes, I got ayahuasca in the back. And someone I said, you don't need that. You finished the sandwich? I let him finish the sandwich. And I just open it. You don't ask people.

You don't, you don't. Say nothing. You just open it. You fucking stick a key in the top and you give it to him. That sits like a Ben Franklin close. What's a Ben Franklin close? They turn around, they put a pen, they turn

around. Whoever talks first loses. So I gave him the bottom and he just looked at it and he goes, what's in this? Like, what do you think of this? Just drink it. I popped mine and I went all the way back like I was on the Titanic. Cheers! And I saw him go like three quarters.

It was about 3.30. Yeah. So I sat there with him to about 10 to 4. At 10 to 4, I said, I got to go. I had been torturing him since about 9 in the morning. Yeah. I'm coming over. You're on fire.

Drink milk. Because I still got the 1,000 milligram brownies. Ugh. The what? Thousand milligram brownies. Look at the look on his face. It tastes like dirt. That you eat hummus.

I see the top. I see the food you eat. This is fine. This is way better than the food you eat. We had those communist hot burgers just April 4th of July. The frozen patty once. Even in jail, you eat better.

Right? I still got those thousand milligrams chocolate once. Those things, you eat a whole one of those. You have no idea. Listen, it's not fucking Sarah Lee. Yeah, no, I get it. But you got a glass of milk?

Yeah, no, I guess. You dip it in there and you dope it up. You force your way. It tastes great. It just tastes like weed with chemicals in it. Like animal, animal drink. Yeah,

yeah. No big deal. Listen, we're spoiled, by the way, edibles taste now. Right. When they first came out,

they all tasted like that. They did. Every single one would like this taste. I got some hash at the house. I'm going to make tonight, maybe. I'm going to make some hash cookies. Oh,

yeah? I got some real nice hash. When I Jew, he brought me some real fucking hash. Does he have a patch? He's got a patch. He's got a patch. Oh.

He gets his dick sucked more than I told me we should just take your eye out because if you ain't getting no pussy guys with eyepatches get pussy what eye guys with eyepatches get pussy he gets pussy so he brought me over this Egyptian ass guys with iPaches on fire this shit's on fire really I that stops no it's too much so yeah I'm gonna eat it Bruce Lee used to eat that shit and that guy in Hollywood They used to make sugar cookies. Me and Ralphie used to eat them.

Oh, hash is a different. Yeah, when you eat hash alone and you wake up, like you get 18 massages, everything is loose. So I think I'm going to eat that hash tonight, Jack, when I get home. Wait, are you going to cook it up? I'm going to cook it up and put it in something. Tonight. Tonight.

Maybe make like hash chicken noodle soup. That is not what I thought you were going to say. What the fuck? You put it on anything. It's the taste the same. That's what they do. That's what the chefs do. You break that down.

What do you? Melt it down in butter? Melt it with a little butter. Yeah. Just take it, drip it, wait until it melts into like that black little paste. Yeah. You put that right into the cookies. Ooh.

Ooh. Sometimes. So hold on. Hold on. So hold on. So hold on. Let me tell you about the rest of the afternoon. So I give it to him.

I leave at 10 to 4. I go, I can't torture Lee until I know he's fully tortured. So about 4.30, I start calling my boy. He ain't answering the phone. So I know he's fucked out. So it's 4.30. I left the dude 40 minutes ago. I was just going to call him up and check it on him.

He ain't answered the phone. Yeah. So I called him at 430. They called him again at 5. He didn't pick up. That's one down. Now I got this pigeon to work on. So I call him up.

He's like, I'm in. Come on. Bring it, bitch. He starts challenging me and shitly. He's like, bring it bitch I'm ready where are you I'm waiting here for you I'll be right over so we split after I drank the hundred we ate three more hundred and a hundred and twenty-five in pills so I really had five twenty-five in me and then I went home and functioned like

nothing I drew with my daughter I hung out for like nine I watched a movie with them that's right I watched whatever Toy Story 4 I watched a toy story and I was losing my mind 525 milligrams? 525 milligrams. Then do the right thing came on. And my wife goes, I'm going to go to, it was like my quarter to 10. And that's when I started feeling it. It started coming on.

I started smoking ash. I'm smoking rea. I mean nicotine gum and shit. I'm getting fucked up, Jack. I'm getting, I'm getting fucked up. I remember. making a protein shake. And then after the protein shake,

oh, fuck. I got those THC pills from Kikimo. So I was listening to Velvet Revolver, the one album, and I was writing some, guys, I'm sorry, you know how it is. You ever start eating some, popping them in your mouth? And after, then you look down and look like four left. Yeah.

Dog, there was four left. I had eaten like 20 of those kikomo sleep aids. Yeah. I'm like, am I going to fuck me? So after about 30 minutes, I go, I feel alright. I'm not going to die. I go, you know what? Let me go watch Narcos.

I still had narcos on whatever. I go, let me go watch this last episode of Narcos. And I put three kikamotee things into a fucking mug. And I fucking drank that. And that's it. Oh, that's it? That's all I remember. I know I didn't go in.

I know I tumbled in there about two maybe. I don't fucking know. First of all, after 525 milligrams, I would be, I don't even know what the fuck would happen to me at 500. Here's a scary thing, guys. These, like, I'm done with. Like, I have to take a breather from these. Oh, I could definitely eat four pills and walk out of here and have a half of all.

No. See, I I could do three and nothing happens. What are you talking about? You're sitting passed out all day. No, I didn't pass out last night. I passed out at like two in the fucking morning, but I was fucked up. That's a big difference. And I got up at seven. I got up at seven, seven-thirty.

Yeah? Nothing happened. It was like nothing happened. I got up a seven-thirty like nothing happened. I went in. I looked at the computer. There was nothing happening and I put my sweats on and I had but you you don't wake up high or nothing I had 54 weight watcher points I got to hit 61 for my goal so I said fuck this I got up I drank a

cup of coffee I got a little zoom to me I drink this little red stuff like a pre-energy drink yeah I drank a little bit of that I went right back in that bathroom I did three fucking bong hits. And the last one had a chunk of hash. The thing went on fire. The thing was on fire. The hash thing was on fire. And I hear my daughter, Dad.

I'm like, I'm blowing the fucking thing out in the back bathroom. I finally walked out. She's like, where are you been? I was back there, scenes. Like, you know, I go out. I can't even imagine all of the things you told her you were doing.

Oh, I wasn't back fighting the dragon or whatever. never comes looking for me really at 8 in the morning. Like she never comes looking for me at 8. She comes around about 8.30. She sits in her room playing that Spanish fucking game, learning how to speak Spanish on her own.

What? There's a scheme. There's like a program that teaches your kid out of speak Spanish. So she fucking loves it. She does it all fucking day. Then she comes and tortures me in Spanish. With that book Spanish. I don't know the book Spanish. You know.

One day we were doing it together, she got like three wrong. She's like, what type of Spanish are you? She's like, fuck you. She's like, I'll take my chances by myself. She goes, what kind of Spanish are you? How are you Spanish? You got three wrong. I go out of understand this, Como?

Comeo. I don't fucking know this shit pronouns. Just speak the fucking Spanish. I'm talking, all right? Talking that shit. You got three wrong. Back to back. There you go.

Salute. There you go. Those chew farts don't have no milk to them, though. They're like kosher. They got no stink to him, you know what I'm saying? I'm too close to the door. They're kosher farts. I want Lee to inhale those into,

makes them feel at home, you know what I'm saying? He smells those during fucking Passover. Poor Lee. I called him. Like, Lee, you walk, and say, I don't, I'm walking. I call Steve Simone. I call Lee.

Tell him he to go and walk him with you. It's all over. I can't walk. No walk. That's the best time to walk is when you're high. No, it's not. It's 100 degrees that you want to go outside and walk. Dog, it's good for you.

You sweat that shit out. It's good for your skin. Yeah. Listen, if this is what his eyes look like right now, where is he going to walk? His eyes must not have been open earlier today. That's the way to walk. If you're going to walk to get healthy,

that's how to walk. You don't want to walk straight. You're not going to do nothing straight. You got to smoke to walk. You put your little iPod on, and you start walking. How long are you? And next thing you know, you're in fucking Hollywood. Remember Mike Ricker used to walk in Hollywood from the valley.

Don't fucking tell me. Don't fucking tell me. Why? Because he's high as fuck. Where is Rick right now? Who knows? But don't tell me. He used to walk over that fucking hill.

Walk over that fucking hill every day. No, like you. He lost like fucking 80 pounds in a week. Remember? He was like, it's nothing to do at home. Yeah. What makes you walk from the valley? I could be bored as fuck.

I'm not walking to Hollywood. That's not happening. No. Because once you're en route, you're in route. But dude, you used to walk. Everywhere. Oh, yeah, I used to walk for fucking. That's why you're going.

I told my wife you a day like I'm done with walking. Yeah. She's like, really? I can't do it no more. I am sick of walking. I've walked before. I'm from New York, guys. I walked.

I walked as a kid. Dude, you walked here. Nobody fucking walks here. You walked here I used to walk from Yeah Your house to Argyle And back like nothing

Because I used to sell screws on Argyle I could walk from Vista Bro I still remember us walking From that place To the Comedy Storm back Like nothing My place No

That fucking bar we used to I went Tuesday nights Union And we didn't know If the comedy store Was gonna have a room I still don't go To the comedy store getting cold

walking back to the union knowing you gotta walk back it's fucking July yeah it's fucking hot at night we used to walk in that place had no air conditioning no we got to the patio yard mm-hmm the other place had no air conditioning

when it was packed in there it was hot do you fucking believe that was 25 years no it's about I can't yeah my first feature weekend legitimately I had a feature weekend I always told people my first

real feature weekend was Livonia, Joes in Detroit, in Leiborne. That was my first feature weekend. But that wasn't an A club at the time. The Underground was an A club.

My first feature weekend was with Darrell Lennox. In Moscow. In Moscow. That doesn't count. And then... It's got to be a club to push you up. The first one at the underground might have been Dave Fulton. Yeah, probably.

of Fulton. You might have been. Yeah, I think it might have been Dave Fulton. I don't know, man. I'm not know if he was around that, I don't know if he was around early when we were there.

Wasn't he around later? He was around. He was coming back from England and stuff like that. He was going back and forth, I think. Great guy. Yeah. Great comedy.

You know, that was a, you know, it was funny. Dude, too. Denver was great for me. You know, like, you know, like when you give, When you try to open up a jar, and you try and you try and you try and you can't open up that jar, and then you give it to your fucking grandmother who's 90 and she clicks it open,

that's what I felt Seattle did for me. Like I was trying too hard in Denver. Seattle was when I found out, you know what? I'm going to stick with this. Like Denver was still... But did Denver, the thing that I found that was different about Seattle was you could find longer sets. when you were starting all your sets weren't just three or five minutes

sometimes in the early we were still doing 10 or 15 minutes I thanked Seattle for one thing I thank Seattle for one thing like I went to a college yeah I went to a comedy college yeah I really am very proud of my comedy

pat that's why I fought so fucking hard for it and man you know so it was a place where like at the time it was a good place to be a comic because it was a good vibe, man. People were helping each other out. Very good community. Let me tell you what Seattle taught you.

Because of the contest, the contest is so revolved in the Seattle community that Monday and Tuesdays with six minutes with a light at five. Yeah. The people who are at home, who are at home, you're like, what's so big about that?

You don't know what it is to learn how to be a comic, finally fight for all these years to get all this time. And one day somebody comes and goes, oh, by the way, we don't need you to do 25. You're going to do six with a light at five. And if you go over six, you get a point taken off in the contest. If you do seven, you get two points taken off. So you learn why they did that. Okay?

Yeah. So this is what a lot of people don't know at home that are comedy fans about different scenes. Seattle's scene was focused around the six minutes because they wanted you to be ready for the contest. So he taught you how that all year round. No, I don't give a fuck if you just did three hours in Yakima. We really don't give a fuck. We don't give a fuck if you did three hours in New York. Here on a Monday, you're going to do five. You're going to get a line of five and you're going to get off at six. Whether you like it or not. And Carl would not let your eyes back on there if you ran that fucking light.

You did 15, Carl would even tell you at the end. Good set. Call me again. Come back next Monday. You would not get put on that fucking stage for lack of respect. Mitzy Shaw, now you do that for two years. Then you come

down here and what is Mitsy Shore training here to do? Three minutes. Yeah, that was really hard. So think of the fucking why I'm so grateful that I took the path I did. Yeah. Because if you thought telling your life story in six minutes is hard, bitch, I got another one for you.

Tell your life story in three fucking minutes. So that was a complete different animal. And it's the comedy store. You don't run the light on a three minutes. Not when she's sitting there. Not when she's sitting there. You better get the fuck off. Yeah.

So do you see those two educations? It was two different trains of thought. I got my hustle, Seattle, and Josh, Josh doesn't remember this. I'm sitting eating chicken mole one day. And now we're brothers. I mean, he's my brother. I love him to death. But then I didn't know Craig Gas.

No. I didn't know Craig Gas. And I'm sitting at Lobo Lobo, loco one day, chomping on some chicken moly on the arm, of course. And Craig gas, you go, do you know Craig? And I go, no, Craig opens up with, so you're the guy that's taking everybody's work up here. That's how much work I was eating.

And I go, yeah, what's the problem? He goes, man, it's not fair. You can't come up here. And I'm like, come again? You're dealing with the wrong motherfucker, Doug. I'm trying to pay child support. I'm trying to keep a nose habit going. I got a stripper girlfriend.

I got to pay rent. And I got a thousand things going on. Yeah. If you don't think I'm eating, fucking lunch, you know, and he knows for a fact that Laura Car Crocker got rest of soul did not like me, but

guess where I was Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday nights, doing a free set for Laura Crocker. And at the end, I got the last laugh. I would drive an hour to do a 10-minute guess at Laura Crocker's. And I still remember the owner's saying to me, how come I haven't heard of you before?

And I would tell him, she don't like me. But it's okay. I'm just doing a set. Yeah. That's the mentality. Like I turned into a savage up there. I forgot that she didn't like you. Yeah.

She brought into an argument. She told you, tell them not to call me. Guess who I called every Monday at 10 after 9? Laura Crocker. Everybody used to tell you, call? I don't give a fuck. 9 o'clock I used to call.

She hated me. And she knew every Monday. Because those days, Tuesdays, was National Booking Day. She knew on Tuesday, 10 after 9, I would wake her up every Tuesday. I ain't doing Lord Crocker, Joe Diaz, and you would hear like, yeah. And I would just, I knew her schedule of all her rooms. I would have it in front of me, and I would just call her to irritate her

to let her know that even though she didn't like me, I was still winning the war here. You might not like me, but I'm going to do your room for free. Because that's the type of motherfucker I am, because I know I had to do. end of the week. I'm just getting better. I'm going up in front of 70 people. I'm killing your feature. Whatever you got featuring, once I go up there, his lights are out. The headline don't really want me up there. At that time, once Stanhope came up there, 96, once I saw that style, it took like two months after that, and I started going off on Monday nights. I started going off on Monday nights.

It was like a different thing. Once I saw a stand open 96, I was like, this shit I'm doing with the suits. Remember when I did Joey Diaz and his Mabo Kings of Comedy? They'll tell you, I used to have Maracas. I used to work, I worked every angle. Guys, you want to laugh, laugh for you want.

The three-piece suit is great. The only thing I don't do is hypnotized, bitches. You know what I'm saying? Listen, I've never worked to hypnotize. I wore a fedora. He wore a fedora. This is the levels of comedy that you do. And ever since that day, me and Craig Gasp became friends.

Like I was like, Craig, I'm not here to make friends. I'm here to work, pay bills, and get better as a comic. And that changed that. And then we became great friends. You know, then we became... Lionel. Lionel. Lionel, there was a...

So, you got to remember this, you know... Dude, he's on Facebook. No, he's not. A hundred percent. Don't tell me his last name afterward because I want to come up. That was, you know, I don't know what people think comedy clubs are. But for most people, I want you to spread the word, they're not a church. And they'll never, ever be a sanctuary.

Let's not even talk about the comedy store. Let's not even talk about the club where I came up in Denver. Let's talk about the underground. for a second. Okay, at this time. And this is my witness. I still remember going to the underground at a quarter of eight, because that's what you did on Monday nights. You got there at a quarter of eight. You already signed up. Once you got seniority, Carl signed you up. But we would go out a quarter of eight. How many nights did you walk in there? And at eight o'clock, Billy was already doing blow. Oh, come on, dear. He used to have false teeth, and his teeth would rattle.

and he would show him to you. He would show him. Dog, you can't write this shit. But his laugh, you could hear his laugh. He was just high-pitched. It was crazy. How hot was his girlfriend? Crazy.

The Asian. Crazy hot. Do you know how many nights I saw her at 7.30? Watching a comic, and she would nod off from the heroin? Come on. What's the other guy that's on Facebook? They used to work on Saturday.

It's a duck club. with the white hair, another fucking great guy that lives in Ireland now, close to Fulton. With the white hair? White hair back then with little hippie glasses. Oh. How good were these guys, thoughts? I remember sitting there with him one night and going, bro. Look at the waitress.

She was not another heroin. Billy was high on coke. She was high on heroin. Two of the other waitresses were high on heroin. heroin. Heroin was big up there. That's what fucking Alice, this is, with that 95, guys.

I still remember going to giggles, and the hottest waitress at giggles was a hippie chick. And I used to buy, like, pills from her, or weed or whatever, Coke. And I still remember her saying to me, when are you going to go up to, uh, Lance? What was the singer of Allison Chains?

Lane. Is that his name? Is that his name? Allison Chains, the singer he's dead. I don't know how many times. said to me, when are you going to come up to Lane's arms or whatever? Because we could do some smack. They were all going to Capitol Hill. That girl was beautiful.

She had to be, if it was 95, I was 32, she had to be 23, 24. I don't know how many times she sold me drugs, a little hippie. Wayne Stanley? Nice. I don't know how many times she told me on Saturday nights. If you want to go up to Lane's and get high, you're all that way, heroin. I don't know. That needle shit?

Can you imagine? I can't see blood. I can't see needles. I would have gone up there. If it was a cocaine party, I'm not going to lie to you. I would have gone up there. If the emphasis was cocaine,

I would have still been at Lane Stanley's house. I want to stupid at Lane Stanley's house. That's Lane Stanley. Yeah. That's down in the hole. You ain't leaving. You ain't leaving. You're just going to die in his living room,

but she doesn't say nothing about blow. I think she would get me blow, but she would always say to me, you're going to come up you're going to do a shot but you and I'm like I'm not doing no fucking shit at fucking Lane's Daley's house that was giggles in the U district yeah that was like I barely I barely didn't mess with it I didn't mess with it I never liked I never you couldn't mess with him because Laura didn't mess with them there was something with Laura and the underground yeah Fox so since Laura was your manager but he also this dude

What was his name? Pat. The owner of the giggle? Yeah. When we first got there, the owner of Giggles was a pilot in Vietnam, and he had been shot down, and he was fucking nuts. He had a jaguar. He drove a black jaguar.

What was it? And he pulled up, don't remember, he pulled up on the side. If you were on stage, you could see him pull up, and you knew you had to go PG-13. Before that, you were up there eating ass. But it's weird because he was. You know. And as soon.

he would pull up, you would have to go, he would walk through the back of the showroom, and I have to go to knock-knock jokes. Like, what animal, don't you play cards with, a cheetah? And once he would leave that thing, I'd start all over again. Would suck my dick, you fucking you district motherfuckers, the shit.

So, what was the track coach from Washington State? Nicest guy in the world, funniest motherfucker. He plays flappers. And every time he's a flapperer. What? I want to go over there and say hello to him and hug him. He was the guy with the glasses from Seattle.

He was a professor. Fucking funny motherfucker. He performs down here? Yes, he comes down once a year and does flappers. He's on stage one night. It's weird. This motherfucker I think was on a tonight show. Yeah.

Okay? And he's a funny fucking dude, and he's spotless clean. Let me tell you how fucking crazy the owner was. I'm up on stage talking about farting people's faces, whatever. he's up there talking about Disneyland at the end we're both sitting at the bar and the owner walks up to him and says

let me tell you something when I went through the showroom you were a little dirty before and he turns away from it and he looks at me this guy and he goes you motherfucker he goes

that's how retarded the owner of giggles was he went up to him and said you were a little dirty And he's like, you motherfucker, how do you do this? And then that's the same way. I was buddies with a couple of waitressers up there. They all snorted coke, the giggles girls.

I used to get the coke from the waitress at the undergrad. All those waitresses. But the girl at giggles used to get me coke, especially. So I had it down. Let me tell you how down I had giggles. Thursday night was that shit room he had He had a shit room

Olympia Oh Who shot that duck Ah Olympia Hold on one time I really hope you fall off that chair Please fall

Uh Olympia So you did Olympia on Thursday He did something else there on on Thursdays. So my goal was always to leave Olympia. You could drive with the headliner. Fuck you.

I would leave Olympia while the headliner was on stage and I'd shoot up to giggles and I'd catch him. He goes, weren't you in Olympia? Yeah. Let me get a hundred advance. Already?

Can't just wait till Saturday? Listen, I got time to wait until Saturday. I played a water bill. give me 100 bucks will you he would give me a hundred and he was such a Vietnam vet that on Saturday he would pay me the full amount so I started telling everybody

yo come in on Thursdays don't wait go up to hit him up for a hundred and he won't write it down because he's a Vietnam vet he's retarded he'll fucking on America's birthday

Joe you know In those days, Vietnam vets were gone. Like, you know, they've gone, you know. So this went out, like everybody I told, like you have no idea. I told even Gavin did it. That was the widest guy in America. Gavin wouldn't rob anybody.

But a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks. I was telling everybody. Fuck, yeah. Every feature was like, dog, you're right. He doesn't remember. No wonder the place closed down. Then a Mormon guy bought it He was like

That's the dude Yeah Terry Terry he's like you're not working I've heard too many movies about you Yeah I didn't know the first guy Terry is the dude Terry the club was cool guys We were a family

Nobody fucked nobody Nobody got that dick sucked That club was a drug College club It was right in the U district of Seattle And I would love working there because Saturdays I would get great coke up there. But there was two or three waitters.

It was solid there. The heroin chick, then there was a white chick, and I would tell her Friday, psal, come in. Who's featured next week? She'd go home. She'd go nobody. I would work Thursday, Olympia, Friday at the club, Saturday at the club.

I'd have contact with him both nights. Do you know I'd call him Monday at 9 o'clock and go, yo, Joe Diaz. He goes, how you doing, Joey? I go, who's your feature this week? And he go, when was the last time you featured at the club? I go, last year. He goes, all right, you got the job next week.

That's how crazy that guy was, that he would just see me. I just worked with him Friday and Saturday. I would call him Monday, and I would ask him when I could feature. And he'd go, what was the last time you featured at the club? And I go, last year, remember? And then I got gas. having on it so it was there was a point where I would be there for two weeks gang would be there for two weeks I would be there for two weeks it was like stealing

it was like the perfect fucking comedy dream up there we were just kids yeah I can't believe I never you know last night I told you two nights ago I'm watching fourth of July night the night I got fucking stone yeah that's one of the one of the things because I remember the end of the 11 I watched do the right thing I went to get up to go pissed last night. And it was when Giancarlo what's the dude that everybody thinks is good from breaking bad?

The black dude with the little circular glasses. Yeah. Giancarlo whatever is having a talk with Radio Rahim and they're talking about overthrowing sals that we need to boycott sows famous. And he goes, yeah, that motherfucker yelled at me for having my stereo on, didn't even say

please. And he goes, we've spent much month. He goes, we spend mucho dollars in there. And they ain't got no pictures of brothers on the wall. He goes, they just got a bunch of Sylvester Stallone looking motherfuckers up on the wall. I was standing up guys last night. I was walking up into the living room to go to use the house bathroom instead of mine. I was in a pee in there because I thought I had his shit.

When he said, he has a bunch of Sylvester Stallone looking motherfuckers up there. He needs to put some brothers up on the wall. my knee buckled because it was the first time I had thought about Brody in a long time me, Josh, Brody, like six of us

are down in Gig Harbor, Washington on Saturday night and we're like eating a bag of dick we don't know who's headlining we would just show up like if you hired me and Josh six motherfucking people that's just how it was

but You're only, you're supposed to do 45. Yeah. Well, there's six of us. We got it. We just do 10 apiece. And we don't go like, what the fuck is going on? Like it was crazy.

And I still remember going to Gig Harbor when we put him in the back trunk. And he kept yelling. I told him because he pissed me off. Don't fucking tell me you can't make it to gig harbor an hour and a half. And he kept arguing with me. Don't fucking tell me. Dog, when I did it. tell you I could do something, I can do it.

I'm not telling you because I'm lying to you. He kept telling me he couldn't drive from Seattle at Gig Harbor in an hour. I'm like, are you fucking crazy? He goes, it takes me like three hours. God rest is so, Brody, Steve. He's arguing with me one night. I'm like, Brody, we'll leave in here at fucking 6 o'clock. I'm not getting

on. Don't take you no fucking three hours. He had a Volvo station wagon. Did he not Josh? Yes, he did. We put him in the kid's seat, in the back. You know how the back opens up? I took him by the throat. I go get in that fucking back and shut the fuck up.

I'm going to show you how to get a gig harb in an hour and a half. And we were doing 90 and there wasn't even an HOV. We made our own fucking man. Look at him. He remembers. Brody Stevens kept yelling. Stop. Slow down.

Normal people don't live like this. I'm like, I'm not normal fucking people. I'm not normal people. I'm a comedian. And I still remember him being living at me. there and going up on stage. Oh, he was mad. And he had the owner of Gig Harbor had thousands

of pictures of people up on the wall. White, black, Spanish, Vince Valenzuela. He had all these famous comics up there, but I don't know what happened. Brody's furious. He's doing his set. In the middle of all this, he looks up at the

wall, and he goes, where's the fucking owner? And the owner's like, I'm the owner. He goes, you better put some fucking Jews up on that fucking wall. Oh my God, we lost it in the back. I'm not coming here ever fucking again. Can you put some Jews up on that wall? This is Gig Harbor.

I haven't seen a Jew since fucking the Great Depression. You know what I'm saying? Jews left Seattle. They were like, we ain't stand up here. This is too dark. It reminds us of Auschwitz. There's no Jews in Seattle. There's not a temple in Seattle.

It's a remind them too much of Auschwitz. There's no sunlight. There's no sunlight. You don't see Jews visiting Seattle. Fuck you. or Buffalo. There's a couple of Buffalo. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. He kept when he got out of the car in the parking lot. He was still yelling at me. He slammed the door and he said, I do not live my life this way.

He was so fucking mad. And he was in the back making those fucking weird. Yeah. Yeah. I was getting this close to cars. I'm holding my fingers an inch just to fuck with him.

I would get real close to the car. Beep, beep. Stop it. Stop it. This car's in my mother's name. Who, God, that was really funny. Oh, my God. Then he had a cable access show, and he had a pager.

And I got the pager number. And he's thinking he's on the fucking Carol Bennett show, Brody. God rest of the soul. And I'm a gabin's just fucking dialed on his pageer. And he's dying to pick it up. His legs are shaking. He's dying. He thinks it's like a Hollywood producer.

I'm leaving messages. I'm fucking and finally, right on the TV show. He went in his pocket and he's like, fuck you, Joe Diaz. Oh, my God. Holy shit. That's what comedy's about, ladies and gentlemen,

Okay, 25 fucking years, like just... Oh, my God. And you want me to tell you something, Josh, well? Let's tell him about the story. We got so coked up. We walked that dog like two miles. We got so coked up, me and Josh. We left the dark light, and we got back.

It was daylight. That poor dog was like, you got to take me home. You two guys won't shut the fuck up. Bub, God rest is so. We took Bubud on a walk. That's the St. Bernard. There was graccoon. And we're walking.

I'm doing coke on the walk. I'm telling him about my mother, finding my mother on the floor. He's like, I never knew that about you. You were getting ready to leave. This is... 96. September of 96.

Yeah. Like, you were leaving the following week. I had to move out of his house. I lived in his back house. That was a great setup, by the way. It was a great setup. That was a great. said this was a great house we were hidden what you pay for that house maybe 1,100 something like that

was gigantic yeah it was fucking gigantic huge it was but do you remember do you remember when she where she was putting the garbage she was putting it in the garage and she wasn't taking it out and so we had these mound this mound of garbage in the garage And I said, I called the exterminator and I was like, hey, and I didn't know this. I go, hey, man. So I think we have some critters. But you take a look into the house. And he goes, yeah.

And he got maybe his head in. And he turned around. He goes, I go, what's wrong? He goes, there's a lot of eyes looking back at me. I go, what? In under the house. And he goes, there's got to be a food source somewhere around here. I'm like, a food source?

like what the fuck and he goes let's go check the garage and I opened the garage and she'd just been taking the trash out to the garage so he was like here's the food source I was like get the fuck because we had that circular driveway so we never used the garage I loved her the death the best but till this day she is the filthiest woman she's the reason why I want to eat Thai food. No, that's not right. I swear to God, because she used to not wash dishes and the fruit flies. Don't lie to me. Remember

we used to make fun of her? There was always fruit flies in the kitchen. Every time you had a fucking squad. So she was tied. So I held that against her. Like, if fucking you don't wash your dishes, I need... One person is the reason why? That's all I need. They sent me the wrong representative.

You know what I'm saying? If you're going to send me the representative, send me the right tie. dude I loved her she was my sister yeah I loved her except but when it came to that shit she drove me crazy she would never I remember one time you left like a month I had to wash dishes the water was like quick like the kids wanted something to drink it was like sticking your hand in quick hand like the thing was gonna grab you that's how murky because she would soak the dishes and not wash him and I'm like how do I get a glass and I'm like here go You have to close your eyes and stick your hand in the fucking water.

I still remember Vista with the fruit flies. And you used to bit, don't make believe you. Oh, no, I remember the fruit flies. I remember we used to do that. You know it was great, dude. And when I loved, you would do it just for you. I don't know where. You just go, it used to make me laugh.

No matter where we were, you go. Yeah. Fuck. I fucking love that. Yeah, because Yeah, There's another hour stories here that we cannot

Oh my God. We can't even go into about how funny. By the way, she was a legitimately funny person. It took me maybe five years. I still yearn

there's not too many people in your life. You can meet that when they touch your hand and say, come with me. you're going to see an adventure. I think I went over with her three nights,

and I saw all I had to see. She was, she, I have a friend Mike Batole. He used to be married to my sister. When you went out with him, you don't know what you're going to see. Be prepared, and don't be in shop. She was that much fun. She just was irresponsible.

That was the whole thing. Fun was her number. more on priority getting high all that stuff going to work fiber Malaysia she was the first person ever to get fiber Malaysia I will tell you this though lame was Malia so we used to call it fiber Malia right to her face like what's calling she was I can't do this you I will I will tell you this though she I love her she could she could rally she could get in late dude and if the alarm went off she would be like tell me when I got 10 minutes and I'd be like you got 10 minutes be like, bang, bang, boom, and she'd be out the fucking door.

And, I mean, I got to, she could get up and get to work. We didn't fuck around. No. I had no choice in those days. You want to snort Coke, you got to pay the pipe. You want to snort Coke, you got to pay the pipe. Once you had accepted that you could live off an hour of sleep, two nights, you do it. Yeah.

You do it. You know, I just, there's a radio show I listen to on Sunday nights. It's, it's nothing for you guys. You guys just would not like it. I like it because if it's only good once a month. It's Studio 54 radio. Yeah, I got it in the car. Do you at Sunday nights, they do Mira, Myra does a podcast.

Bro, once a month she gets a guest that'll blow your socks off. Like a real legit, not like the door guys or when they start talking about amazing and all that shit. No. Once in a while, once a month they get a guest. that's like a dentist. Like the most famous one I heard was his dentist and his wife came on. They're like 100 now.

And they were talking about going to studio 54 and what their lifestyle was like. They went six nights a week. And they had kids. But there was Long Island. So the kids, you know, your mother lives in the house with you guys. Yeah. So your parents live on the first floor

and you live on the second floor. So they told the story. six nights a week. Can you imagine going on six nights a week? You and your wife are leaving two kids at the house. Six nights a week, and he was a dentist. What saved them was they were both dentists, and they owned a dentist thing together.

Yeah. And they just laid a story on you that you could not believe of they would wake up at, they would get home at seven, sleep till 10, put the kids to school, then come back, sleep from 8 to 11, get up, go to the dentist shop, be a dentist to 3, go home, take another nap, pick the kids up from school,

help them with their homework, take them to all their events, go home, put them in the shower, and at 9 o'clock they take a nap until 11 o'clock, at 11 o'clock they get up, get dressed, and at midnight they'd be at Studio 54, so 6 the morning, and they do that 6 nights of fucking week. You sit there and go, how the fuck does this happen? Malia could do that.

There's people who could do that. Yeah. There's people. I did it. I did it from 83 to God knows. So I stopped doing blow. I was doing it. Listen, you want to snort Coke.

That's fine. But no, you got to get up for a plane at five. Yep. And you got to make the plane or you got to make the call. You know how many times I woke up in that Moscow, Idaho, and the room was spinning? And the only thing that could get me going was that last blast of Coke you have in the morning. So you brush your teeth and do that one blast of Coke.

That's a heart attack for most people. But just to straighten up to drive home from Moscow, Idaho. That drive home was terrible. That was five and a half a half hours. But always hung over. Always hung over. Yeah, yeah. It's just fucking pure craziness.

Before we wrap up, I got to ask you one thing. one of the funniest things ever because nobody's really talked about this lately at all everybody's talking about this and I don't think it's well it's really nobody has the reason to talk about it it doesn't matter to a lot of people but you haven't said boo about it Tom Brady what the fuck just happened guys did we miss it because of the coronavirus is Ken Newton now the new face yeah the Patriots But don't clap, please, because now they'll be 0 in 19. If this guy's a fan of theirs, it's over.

Is he a mush? Oh, the king. For betting, not for actual sports. For everything. How they won seven Super Bowls? Everything, everything. Six of Bulls. Everything.

And you didn't bet one of them. Yes, what I said. That's what I'm saying. That's right. He's a mush. He didn't bet one of them. Oh, you can give him a lock. And he'll call you an hour and tell you he mushed it up.

Yeah. I got two little locks. something working on for this weekend of the UFC and I won't even let him know. Do you ever just ask him who you like and just pick someone with the other person? Oh, dog, if he gets up, I know it's going to be a bad day. You know what I'm saying? If he wakes

up, it's going to be a bad fucking day. I gave him locks already and he'll fuck him up. He'll put him in a parlay or a three-time teaser or something after I give him a lock. Just bet this. I put in the parlay. I gave him a yard one time. I had him up. And he left and he left. He lost

again. You don't leave when you're Then he became a professional gambler. That was a disaster. He actually, he's the only, he got thrown out of the South Point. What? He's banned for life out of South Point. How did you get thrown out a South Point? Because his buddy showed up, passing out edibles like there was Willie Wonka.

It was the first time I took more than a thousand milligrams of the stars. The guy who used to make the stars was literally pouring them in my hands. I go to give him to one church guy, fucking, a Navy SEAL rejected. sitting there staring at me. Wait, wait, wait, what do you mean? I took it being a security guard way too seriously. Okay. He had the bullproof vest, and he said, where are they?

We have you on tape. Little did he know that I ate the rest of them? And he walked me up to my room and wouldn't let me I had to leave the hotel. I couldn't even stay in the park. If I go back to the South Point Hotel. Meanwhile, I'm not even allowed in Vegas, my law. I'm not even allowed in Vegas by law.

And the best part is it was his birthday, too. I'm supposed to go to Vegas and check in with the police and let him know I'm there when I get to Vegas, my law. My first stop is you've got to check him with the police department. For real. Yeah. Yeah. So what did you, where did you go?

Oh, it was a war. What do you think he went? You think he would have weighed like Dean Dalry? You give Dean Delray 20 bucks at 930 at night in Vegas. Yeah. stay at the Pelagio, he'll get a sweet something for $20. I don't know how Dean does it. You ever seen Dean in action?

No. In New York? Dean would stay out all night until about 10. To the hotel drops their prices on an app. And they let you go in there for like $12.99 to him. Come on. Bro, you have no idea. These fucking young motherfuckers got shit up their sleeve.

Dean Delray would do spots and carry his clothes, the spots. And then get like a hotel 11, like. The Park Avenue Ritz for 3995. What's it called? What's the hotel tonight? No shit. Hotels tonight. You're not going to get it like three in the afternoon.

Right. You're going to get like 12, 11. And probably in every city there's a room somewhere. There's a room somewhere. Dean Delaware has many, you don't know how many times he's called me? Like from a fucking a hotel and there's horses in front of it and shit. People get the horse carriages of overlooking Central Park. I'm like, what did you pay for that hotel?

$89. It was a steal. And it came with breakfast. I'm doing my laundry. This is great. I'm like, what the fuck? Got like a fucking sweet for $89. I'm going to give that a run.

Yeah, he's got like, yeah, what the fuck? If you're a comic, that's what you know. Yeah. I mean, if I, especially because I can fly in late, go straight to the club. Yeah. That way I don't have to get up early. Yeah, it's actually not a terrible idea. Yeah.

Oh, Dean Dalry came in here the other day. I got him fish. He wanted to eat fish. He goes, when do I get fish in the valley? He goes, I'm up here. I go, I'll meet you. I'm in the same move for the same fish. Let's go up to Big Tonys over there on Coldwater.

On Fridays, they got great salmon. Fucking tremendous Mexican salmon. So I'll meet you up at Big Tonys. They don't let you eat in there. So we just took it to go. And we sat here and ate and talked shit. And like, all right, so you're going back to where you live? And he goes, no, I look down the block from you.

He just moved to Studio City. He scored a two-bedroom, two-bathed. Corona price. Corona price. He's been watching it for a year. He goes, man, I've been watching this place between the years. I love this place. Good for him, man.

I think he went, they went from, you don't even want to know how much they dropped. And he worked him. He beat him. I bet he told me. Guess what he told me on Sunday he said, man, no wonder they gave it to me for this prize. I just saw two people moving out.

Because this place is empty and awe. Go up to victory and Lancashire and look at the U-Haul place. There ain't a fucking, you can't even find the fucking a go-kart. You can't even push a go-kart.

There are people go carting out of here. Go up there, go see. How many moving trucks did you see? I see it's three for a day. In that one neighborhood? Yeah, it's bad. People, you can't afford to live here. No, no, no.

The new rumor is people in the industry are getting the fuck out of here. They're going close to North Carolina and Atlanta. Because believe it or not, homeboy, Tyler Perry, his system's been working. His system's the only system that's been working. All these other TV shows have had to cancel. They can't figure out. Check your sag emails from now on.

Check them. They go into your junk email. Yeah. Start reading them. You're going to die. They're canceling shit every day. Shit starting on Monday. And it shuts down by Wednesday.

Shuts down. Can't even keep it over. So the move to North It's just people starting smaller studios. They're saying that this ain't going to work here. It's just not going to work. It's just not going to work. It's just not going to work.

It's too restrictive and too expensive. But Tyler Perry's paying all the loot too. Tyler Perry's paying you for 30 days. Yeah. It's costing you 30 days work. Yeah. It's 16 days before the shoot is your first COVID test. You're on the clock.

And they pay you for that. They pay you. And then at the plane at Van Nuys Airport, you get tested again. When you land, you get tested again. Then you get put in seclusion. You get tested again. Then you get put into an area. And you stay in that area until, you know, you shoot and you just hang with those people

who are actors and first team. And even that gets cut into three. So you really have access to like six people. unless you go to the set. You get tested every other day. So you get tested Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, and I guess makeup and everybody else. And everybody's staying in a hotel?

Everybody's staying in a bubble. But like, right, but like, where's everyone sleeping? Everybody's staying in like a hotel slash studio. Got it. And he built, like, malls in there. Like, there's a mall you go to. Everything you need is there. You're not allowed to leave for two weeks.

Jesus. No leaving. That's why I don't know what's going to happen. So you're telling me, Zionn Williamson, the rookie of the year is not going to go get his dick suck? Well. You're trying to tell me NBA players are going to stay in a bubble from July, from next week, until the champion. When is the championship? November.

That's what you're trying to tell me? They're going to stay in a bubble. Good luck. Good luck. That's never going to happen. I don't think there's any chance everybody stays in the bubble. We're raised to sneak out at night. We're raised to put a dummy in the bed.

I'll put a tape. You know what I'm saying? I'll put a tape recorder. I'll just tape myself coughing and just play it. Every 20 minutes, the thing goes, oh, he's in there. You know, we got the ropes. My favorite move of yours of all time, by the way, because I had never seen it before.

and you can't do it anymore, but I did it a couple times myself when times were rough there, was going into the department store, picking up a couple of comforters, walking up to the counter and saying, I'd like to return these. And they'd be like, great.

And you're like, we can't give you cash, but I'll take store credit. And you were like, fine. Fine. There's something I can find for a buck 60. I was always my absolute, I was like, wait, and they, just give it to you and you're like yeah they want to give you cash because you don't have a receipt from that

that was my open micer that was the hustle you know everybody has like you got a developmental deal that was my developmental deal was i just figured out when i left new york in october in 93 and i went to back to bolder i'm like how am i going to make a living i could sell cars but the debt i was in was so overwhelming the debt was just coming in by the thousands. I had an attorney. You have an attorney on the clock. You're dropping four a fucking week.

I would drop off too. And the guy's like, oh, by the way, here's your next bill. You know, copies. Whatever. Fucking, he would charge me for everything. Phone calls were $250 a phone call. You know, I mean, it was a nightmare. So I couldn't make a fucking living.

So everything I made got taken from me. I don't even know how I think I was somewhere one day. I bought something and I returned two things and I'm like, come on. And it was the old Boulder Mall. They had a May DNF. I would go in there and pick up $249 comforts. Yeah, the comfort was the move. Bring them back.

And then I figured out, oh, shit. So I awarded the places that gave you checks. If people store credit. I avoided them unless I needed a suit or something, then I took the store credit. But there were people who just straight up gave you cash. And I got to be honest with you. You want me to lie to you?

I got to lie to you. From 93 October to June of 95. And even farther than that, because I was doing it on the road. I was doing it on triple runs. I got caught one time, and I don't want a dribble run. Returning some? Returning some.

Oh, yeah. They let me go, but I fucking made a sting. minority Idaho fucking O.J. Simpson. I'm like out of all the places that figured me out. Idaho.

Somebody who was just watching you? They squawed me from the beginning. As soon as I went in and took it, they were watching me. I don't know. I was like a poor... Bro, the more spaghetti you drove against the wall, it's going to stick.

Yeah. So I was getting cocky. Like I was walking into a place at 9.30. Wrong move. You're going to get nailed. There's nobody in the store. You got to wait until there's 100 people in the store. And you walk in there, you just mix right in.

But I still, let me tell you how fucking desperate I was. Because I don't, there's no reason for me in the line. There was a time to pay rent, like rent week. I would just hang outside. There was a pay phone in Kmart and Boulder. And I would just make believe I was paying calls. And I would watch people throw away receipts. You know what an ambulance chaser is?

I was an ambulance chase a thief receipt. So people that come out of the store, throw away the receipt. Four out of ten people. Yeah. A couple white people take home their receipts. Remember, you couldn't get your fucking luggage back? You could say your receipts? Nobody saves their receipts.

Yeah. You know how many times I stood there and saw people come out like with a fucking... That is what I do with a receipt. Rotating something and I'd see them throw away the receipt. And I'd pick up the receipt. Now I got you. Now I got you. I'd walk in like fucking whistle, why you work?

Hitler is a jerk. You know, I just walk in now. Pick up the thing and fucking walk up to the counter with the receipt. How you doing? I don't want this. You just bought it 10 minutes ago. Yeah, I just don't want it. I don't need it.

You just bought this 10 minutes. I tell you what time it came up. You have no fucking idea. Kmart was the spot, and Kmart knew I was robbing him. In Boulder, I lived right across the street from this. So it was like the go spot. So when Kmart would get too hot, then I would start going to the mall. It was like May, D&F.

Radio Shack, I put them out of business. I remember going into a radio shack in Boulder in 85. They had a CD player on the wall. I looked around. The cellar wouldn't talk to me. I was like, fuck it. I just unplug it. Put the cord around.

and I walked out of the store. You have no idea. You have no... I wish I was lying to you. When I walked out of that mall, I'm like, my friends at home, I would not believe this. I just unplugged it.

They were playing like Superband or something. I unplugged it. I took the vowels off. I just walked out with the whole fucking apparatus. That's when I went crazy. Like, I'm like, I can... I remember Rogan going to me. He goes, I drove into Boulder,

and I could tell this place was like, one huge cat. store. It became one huge can. They couldn't figure me out. I'm not proud of these things. That's why I don't go to Boulder. Because I totally disrespected Boulder. Like, totally.

Like, just, I turned, you know what my rent was in Boulder? 400. You know I paid my rent September of 94? I was waiting outside of the Camas on the phone. It was rent day. It was the 31st of

fucking August, guys. And I'm like, I've been waiting out there for like an hour and a half. Nobody's trying to receive away. I was just about ready to hang my hat down and get the fuck out of there. Because then I had, I used to have plans. Like plan A is Kmart. Plan B is I robbed this guy. You know what I'm saying?

That's a big jump, man. Oh. Oh, this is a good fun. If you can smell a fart with a mask on, you did a good job. You know what I'm saying? Doug, I still remember needy. $400 for the rent. This is unbelievable.

And I'm waiting there. By the payphone, there was like three payphones. That was the same payphone I used when I turned myself in. I hung on that. I knew the ins and outs. It was across the street from a Coco's restaurant in front of it, Albertsons. I knew the whole layout.

Six years earlier, I was on that same payphone, torturing the cops, because they couldn't put a tracer on me. So I kept calling the cop going, I want to talk to Detective Josh Wolf. And they're like, who's calling? I'm like, Jose Diaz.

Like, hold on. Click, and hang up. Where's Josh Wolf? Who's this? Joe Dears, don't put me on hold. We're going to have to put you on hole. Click. Don't hang up.

I would keep hanging up on him. And then finally they go, Joe Diaz, hold on. We'll put you on with Detective Cola. And he's like, where are you? I'll never forget this. Being on the phone with him, I came on. and looking at Coco's and Albertsons and going,

I'm at the Albertsons on 28th Street, if you want to talk to me. He's like, we'll be right there. Just two of us, promise, we'll be right there. And I remember hanging out the phone and walking to my car and taking a newspaper and rolling the joint and watching the Albertsons and watching cop cars pull up from all fucking directions and them running in with their guns into Albertsons and me going.

Ooh, I'm in trouble. Oh my God I'm in fucking trouble I had gone into town to get lethal weapon and above the law at the video store and I go

you know what my buddy George I met him and I had to came on he goes the cops are looking for you they came by the dealership he left his card

if you want to call I'm like I don't want to fucking call this guy and I thought about I should call and see what it was but that was the exact same payphone where I called the cops

and was touring with him I'm like, I'll be at the Albertsons. I'll see you there. Wait, wait, wait, what are you driving? Click. Within minutes, I just saw cops pulling up from all directions into the Albertsons running in.

So I need $400,000 to pay the rent. I'm standing on that pay for him. I'm staring at that co-coes. And I'm like, I'm about to fucking go home. And guess what? I see some fucking rednecky-looking guy pushing the hand carts. Yeah.

And he's pushing the... A lone more of those ones that you sit on. And all of a sudden, you just saw a receipt fly up in the air. It was like God. It was like fucking heavenly justice. It just flew out from under the thing. I thought the guy was going to see it. I thought the guy that bought it was going to see it.

Nobody saw nothing. I thought the lady, because all those white people in Boulder, you know, you litter. They'll fucking have a cow. Pick that up, please. There was a couple women. Nobody said nothing. It was my lottery ticket. and I went over and I picked it up.

Ooh, tremendous. I love it. Throw some to Lee. Lee wants him. Give some caution to leave. There you go. So, I go over, I picked this fucking receipt up. Guess how much it was for? I don't know. How many idea? $400 fucking my rent.

It was perfect. It was $400 and something dollars. I'm like I made fucking rent. But when I go into it, Kmart they sold out of those loan movers. I'm like, fucking bitch. You think that stopped me? Fuck, no. I got in that car, I did 90

the long month. There was another Kmart a long month. No internet, no nothing. I just knew there was one on long month. I went all the way to Longmont, got that 20 minutes later, walked in, walked into the garden department, where I had all the trees, and there was three of them. I had like

$3 in my pocket. I got one of the guys to go, come here for a second. Load that up. Phone me, please. It's $3. Those days, $3 was like a tent. Yeah. The guy picked up the lawn more like Hercules, put it on, and he goes,

do you want to pay for this? And I go, yeah, push it over to the thing. He actually pushed up to the counter. I gave the lady the receipt in front of him. He's like, looking at him, like, oh. And the lady gives me back $400 plus tax. She gives me like $4.40. I'm like, what?

Give him a $20. What? I got lunch and I got my rent money. That's how deep and dirty I was. Yeah. Like I was just chasing receipts. Some people were ambulance chases. I would just sit there and chase receipts. And then the fucking coffee craze started.

The espresso with the moccuccino machine and the coffee, there were four-fifty apiece. I was clipping three of those a day. And I would go to different locations every day. No. Oh, please. I got retarded. I had different Aurora.

I had all the towns where they did the shooting at the movie theater. Yeah. I knew exactly what that movie theater was. That mall was down the corner of that movie theater. I used to go there all the time. So every day had a different itinerary. Monday would be bolder if I was desperate. But Sunday, I would really go out.

Sunday and Saturday were my big days. I had coverage. They're my big money days. I remember I got so high one night. I went to the Comedy Works. I had just started comedy. I've been doing comedy for two years, but I wasn't in with them yet. So I went to see Jackie Flynn, and I took a date and they made me pay.

I had $1,800 in my pocket from stealing that day. I was so high. I took the money out, paid them, and I put $18 on the counter and walked away. And when I got the drinks, I went back to get the money, and the 1800 was missing. And nobody knew where it was. The girl I was with had to pay for the drinks, I go, I'll pay you in the morning. I just went and robbed another 1800. and rob another 18.

It was just four machines. It was four machines because you would get $450 plus tax. You got like $500. That's crazy. So every day I would go to a different local. That was my open mic. That's what I did as an open micer.

That's how I financed my life as an open micer. That whole summer was just bringing the shit back. Every day, toys are us? Oh, I made a mockery out of that. They give you cash? No. They give you... Jeffrey money.

Oh, Jeffrey bucks. I had 10,000 Jeffrey bucks. I went in there one day and brought back a computer and left there with a bicycle. Christmas in 94, everything my daughter got was on one run. And I mean everything. Computer, bicycle, barbies-dow houses. I would go in there and just, I would start with like a little thing.

It was dog, you know, these are just things that happened. This is how you put it together when you're a comic. This is how... The only way I knew how... I wasn't going to get no fucking job. There was no way I was getting a job when I was two years in. I had already done all that shit. By 94, there was nowhere.

I tried to get a job. I would get jobs at different car lots just for the advance. I would tell them I could speak spous. I could sell 15 cars a month, call anybody in town. But I need a car, and I need a nickel up front. They'd give me a car, and that's a car. how I go to the gigs. Judy Brown?

I still remember going to one of Judy Brown's gigs, and the car blew up, and I just left it there. I just took, like, a bus into town and left the car. The dealership called me three days later. Where's that car? Put some fucking veil. What the fuck is it doing up in veil? Bro, I was killing dealerships.

Killing dealerships. Killing dealerships. There's a guy that's still my friend that lives in Pizmo Beach, and we and him got into a conversation. about this about a year ago. Because when you worked to me at that Jeep store, you were a nightmare. What the fuck were you doing?

I was just taking a car a night. Like whatever I wanted, I would just take a new car. And then I went to work for used car dealers. After the new cars would hire me no more as an open micah, because I could speak Spanish. So they had to put me. I go in there and put them together. Listen, do me a favor.

Give me 15 up front. Give me a car. and I even shoot the commercials for you. Beembenidos. Be it on those toriot. So, I think I shot one commercial from one of those guys.

They had the whole camera crew out there. Yama now, Jose Rias. 3.03. 7.5. So people come down there, looking for me from Tala Mundo. I never lasted. I never lasted.

I quit all the time. I quit every fucking job. Oh, my, yeah. I would just go take the job just to have it. Then one day I took a car from a used car dealership. I knew the girl. I had an affair with the girl. And she called me up when they said, like, Joey, these guys don't pay anything to come work up here.

They're looking for a Spanish guy. That was my last car job business. Her name is Lori. I go, put them together. Get me $2,500 at demo. She goes, I'll call you back in a while. She goes, they'll give you $25 one at a demo. You got to work ding to ding.

That means all day, four days straight, and two days off, whatever. Like, all right, I went there. They go pick a car. The first fucking car. That's when I was mush. See, he doesn't understand that I could call him mush because I used to be mush.

At that time, everything I touched turned to shit. Every car. Everything I touched. Whatever I touched blew up. If I bet, bro, if I bet a team, even if the other team didn't show, I'd find the way to lose. It was terrible.

I know mush. I know mush because I live mush. So I had a gig in like fucking Wyoming. You can't write this shit. There's like a foot of snow coming down, so I didn't want the snow to settle. So I left after the gig. At this time, I'm doing 35, 40. What car did you take?

What of their cars? I was to use car lot. Yeah. we're driving back and I hear like boom boom I'm freaking gruelly and I hear like something's wrong with the car

and I'm like man this getting hot I'm by myself I'm like man this getting hot in this car and all of a sudden I'm smelling like fire I'm like come on and sure enough I pull over bro and something was on fire under the hood

I just took my suitcase I started walking And within 10 minutes I hear like boom something And you can see like the flames in the car I just walked away from it That's the second time that happened me in my life Where a car I was driving

Just lit in flames You know people think like I call it I lived it Tell them about the car I had in Seattle Tell them about the car I had no Yeah The car I had in Seattle. When I first moved to Seattle, the last month I had that car. I was driving it without,

not a bumper, but what's the side panel? That covered the wheels. Yeah. It was all. That was my, I paid $800 for that car. That was the best car I ever had in my life. Why do I know? Because I put that car through commando tactics. I drove from Denver to Baltimore and that car, easy 15 times. Do you still drive the way you used to drive? Yes. What do you mean? Just like, you used to beat the shit out of your cars.

Yes and no. I'm a horrible person with cars because, and that's why I don't buy a Cadillac. Yeah. That's why. That's why I won't buy a BMW. Because I've lived cars on fire. Nobody, but nobody. has had worse luck with cars than Uncle Joey.

I was the original mush. I still remember being 18 and delivering electronic parts and shit for the company, and I went somewhere where I was just supposed to be. And the guy would always say to me, how come it always takes you longer than everybody else? And I would always have some story. Do you know that one day in 1983,

in the snow in Jersey, I was making a delivery for this fucking guy, This can only happen to me. There's electrical poles, and there's, like, little wires on the bottom. Yeah. This is the pole, and there's usually, like, these steel beams. One day, I was going in reverse in the snow, and the back of the wheel well caught that beam.

And I'm up there. I'm a fucking gorilla, guys. I'm not built for that shit. I'm like, fuck. And I get out of the car and I go, like, I'm like, fuck this. I'm like, how can this happen to me? And at that time, there was like a, he had like a thing, like a CB. And he's like, Diaz.

He's like Diaz, Diaz, Dias, come in, come in, where are you? I'll be right there. I'm two blocks away. And I'm looking at this thing. It's on 89th Street, North Bergen. It's like a side street. behind, I used to live in that rocket ship in that park. It was right there.

It was on the corner there. And I went to visit a friend and I went up that hill for some fucking reason. And something happened and I went to back up and I got caught on that thing. And you know me, I'm like, how am I going to get out of this? I'm like, fuck this. I get back in the fucking car. And I just started, I got the car and like fucking drive to. Like in those days that drive to, drive.

drive one. I had that motherfucker and two. And I'm like, and all of a sudden I'm like, fuck. So I had to go across the street. I took a bucket. And I got sand from the playground. Yeah. This is how crazy

I was. Like, I pushed the fucking snow. I got sand from the playground. I'm walking back. The car is still on. And you hear Diaz, Diaz, come in. Come in. Go, fuck you, though. I put the fucking sand in on the snow.

I swear to God, Doug. I'm pushed. You know where you were mush? You remember when we were catering, and you lit those trash cans off? Doug, I lit more things off. And you were like, go, go, go, go. You don't know nothing. You don't know nothing.

Go. I'm not sitting around cleaning shit. So, Josh, I'm stepping on this thing. And I'm like, and the car and also I'm looking behind there's like little flames coming out of the tires. It was like spark. And all of a sudden you just get, the thing started, the metal started moving

and the electrical pole started going back and forth. I'm like, this motherfucker's going to go. I'm going to get out of here. So I put it like D1. I'm like, ah, and then you're like, the thing is going to fall.

It's going to fall. It's going to fall. Dog, I drove so hard. The back of the van came off. I just said, fucking leave it. And Diaz, where are you? Diaz, where are you?

I'm coming back. I pull up like nothing. He's out there waiting for me. With a new delivery, the back of the van is God. I'm wide open. I'm freezing the dead because there's no doors. It just took that whole piece off with the bumper and the tired thing. The whole thing came off.

I remember pulling up, but he's the little Arab guy. What the fuck was his name? And we used to torture him. He's still there. God. He's still there at Boulevard Hardware. He's still there. George something.

And he was Arab. And we used to, and the kid who got me the job there, the father worked there, Bubba, Babu, Bubba, something like that. He had a sister who was half a freak. And his name was George, son. His name was George Murad. So we used to call him George Murad and the Baham.

Thomas. He was a Coke feat. He loses his mind. A couple times I'd bring him coke and he'd go crazy. He'd leave in the afternoon. You run the place for me. I think I lasted three months there. And even with the torn van, you know, I got, that's why I took my first pinch when I was working at Boulevard, I'd where. He didn't fire after the van? No, I blame on. You know me, though. I could talk anybody into anything. I talked them in toilet. What are he talking about? The back of the van. Where is it? Like I said, that was my favorite van. You told me to go to Newark. I don't know what happened.

He goes, Newark, when did you go to Newark? I'm like, last week, remember? I never went to Newark in that fucking thing. I was never going to fucking Newark. There was a whole back of the van. Oh, my God. I went back to that night. I just took the back.

Me and my buddies, I took it and pushed it onto the people's property. Like, the people, they must have flipped when they woke up. saw the back of the van. It was one of those vans like that you fucking actually rape people in. Like, he had the bed in the back. You mean there was no windows? Yeah, he was a filthy fucking savage.

No, but it was customized. Oh, like... It was like an extra van he had because he was so busy with deliveries, delivering wood and nails and all this shit. So he's like, you're going to have to drive that van. So I used to fucking steal shit from him. Like, when that, bro, he used to have those

McKita drills, Makedas and shit. And I would steal them every delivery. Like he would go stock this job. So I would take a piece of paper down and there'd be like a pallet. And if it called for two McKedys, I put six on there.

And I would take him right to my little junkie buddy, Bonehead. And he'd buy him for me, give me kick him by the house later. I'll take care of you. Man. Hilarious. I wonder if you added up

all the shit you stole in your life. How much that would be? It's crazy. And at that time Did you say millions? Between the Coke? Yeah. We saw in the Coke, yeah.

Yeah. Easy. That's crazy. Easy. Yeah, that was like from October. I worked for him like from November to January.

That's why I took my first pinch. January 21st, 1983. I took my first pinch and Mr. Holloway bailed me out. My friend's dad bail me out. The kid I was telling you about from Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah. So it's a small world. That's crazy. You gotta come bail me out and fucking, I was supposed to do something. So I put a warrant out from my arrest. And then I got arrested like five years later in Tennarfly.

And they had to bring me back to that place to answer for not fucking Erico Joshua. You can't even repeat. I forgot all about the van story with George Murad and fucking van you have no idea how many cars that blew up

blew up that's why I don't buy cars poor and manie oh that poor car how many how many tickets do you think really like just let me tell you something let me tell you my side of this story

I want a department and I'm not being and I never used this term before but it's going to make sense to you guys first of all how does L.A. welcome from you by a ticket. You don't really know what L.A. is till you park wrong in L.A. and get a ticket.

$75. There's nothing worse than L.A. If you come to L.A. and move here, trust me, the first week you'll get a ticket. Yeah. They have the... It's something weird down there that gives you a ticket. My first experience was they told Doug Stanhope's car. Oh, yeah?

I woke up with Doug Stahoeb's car. I went out. I was at Ralphie's all night, snorting coke and shit. We're fucking a bunch of people over there. There you go. And I went outside and the car was gone from sunset. And Stanhope was at some girls' house. So I had to go fucking get it out before Stanhope got home.

That's when he had the Red Hyundai. He had the Red Hyundai. And then he had the car you could borrow. What street was he? Curson. He lived on Curson. Mitch was on Alta. Sierra Bonita.

Sierra Bonita. That's right. You were on Vista. And Ralphie and those guys were on Garden. Were you with us at Mitch's apartment when we, when we, watching his first letterman said, that was bananas. That little spot he had with his girlfriend at the time. At the time.

And I remember his girlfriend was helping you, her manager. Yeah. She worked for a manager. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he had Barry Segundo. Look at that. Who the fuck you think you're dealing with? Some novice bitch?

Oh, shit. And he had, he had Wendy Liebman. Barry Segondo. He had like three stars at the time. Barry Segundo. When did he even make me that? If I'm about to fucking testify, people go to jail.

People go to jail, man. I just remember stupid shit. Barry Segundo. That's crazy, Josh. Well, 25 fucking years. Just so people know. We were doing this shit in Seattle 25 years ago. Now they took that away from us.

We don't have this no more. No. This is not going to come back from now. another six months maybe no but you know what though I mean look you you're still you know I mean like there's still things to do just play it yeah there's still things to do this rule number one there's a thousand hustles on that fucking computer okay you know these guys that are panicking and going out look at my heart goes out to Brendan shab and the other guy I made a fucked-up joke on Twitter, but those, they both know I love him to death.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I called Brendan. Before this whole thing started, I go, Brendan, don't go out there. Don't let nobody talk into going out there. There's no reason to go out there right now. This was, this was when it was just COVID.

This wasn't with all this social shit going on right now. Right now, it's horrible to go out. If you're going out, you've got a 50-50 chance coming back. That's scrape business. So I don't know if you know this.

Vegas was going to open up comedy in August. But when D.L. fainted. They said that's it. So what's going to happen now that two or four comics actually got it? And that was my point. Like, why would you go to a comedy show now?

Everybody canceled everything. Right now and in the midst of all the cities, The comedy clubs in question are Florida's comedy clubs, Texas comedy clubs in Arizona. You don't want to be anywhere down there right now. You know, in my world, and I'm a druggie, I come from that culture. Bars can't be open. Sorry.

Sorry, they're done. Bars cannot be open because we have a hard time social distancing as human. Yeah. Never mind that in alcohol. It's not going to work. It's not going to work. Let me tell you something. for this if you know anything about me I don't like sitting next to people when I go to a restaurant

unless it's Dan tanners or something like that where you have to sit next to somebody you accept it and they're on top of you but you go there for the steak you know what I'm saying you go to Ralphie takes you somebody takes you yeah yeah remember Ralphie took us yeah I do remember we didn't take us to that one he took us to the one up the block for lunch do you remember he had just gotten one of his surgeries. And he took us to the fucking, what was the one up the corner? Not Dananas, but.

It wasn't Dananas? No, he took us. He took us at Dananas one time. But there was one up the corner that you walked in and they would give him the back room. And in a big table. Yeah, it was a big table. They were giving the back room.

You would walk in there. Do you remember how much, he had just gotten one of the surgeries? And you remember how much food he fucking orders? We got, we went there for lunch. The tab was a nickel. Yeah He was good

I'll never forget Looking at that bill going $500 $500 for fucking lunch Yeah And he was like There's no bomb blam I got this

And me and Josh Look at each other Yeah Holy fuck And if he didn't take you there He would take you to the real The other sushi spot The one on Beverly

It cost $50 just to walk in there You're talking about the one near La Siena gun, Beverly? Yes. Yeah. Every time I went in there, he was, he came to me one night, he was like, man, look at this. And he had a picture of Clint Eastwood. He bumped and I was in there with him one day. He would walk in and go, you know, they bang a drum.

Yeah. You walk in, they go, Mama's there. And he would go, must be the money. He would yell it. He would yell it. Must be the money. And we'd sit in the back and he'd start ordering fucking $30 rolls. And I'd be sitting there with four dollars of my pocket going, fuck, Ralphie.

Just give me a hundred bucks. I don't need all this fucking sushi. And he'd fucking order sushi. And I'd be sitting there, the chick from the fucking, the chick from rounders, that's now a big star. Every time I was in there with him, she would come in there to pick up sushi to go. She's in a big chain now. Ralphie was always good like that, though, man. Oh, he took us to every restaurant.

Yeah. He was good. When he hit, bro, we were eating like kings. Yeah. Kings. Kings. It was over. Yeah. He was 600 pounds. He didn't give a fuck. And he did not like to eat alone.

No. He did not want to eat alone. No. He'd eat. And then he'd tell you, take it home to your wife. I ain't taking this shit home to my wife. Fuck her. I ain't taking my causing a smell like fucking steak and lobster. Fuck you. But we would go to sushi Dan and cause damage.

Yeah. He took me to that sushi spot next to the comedy store. You know there's a sushi. Sushi spot next to the comedy store. That's another 50. Just to walk in. In the hotel? Right next to the comedy store.

There's a sushi spot. Bro, they have these little stakes on a stick. They started 20. I had two millionaires take me there at one time. I've had two millionaires take me there, and they didn't even look at the bill. But they were too busy, so I kept ordering those stakes. Do you understand me?

You know what I'm saying? Like, you don't take me to that place. One guy took me as a beard there. One guy was a friend of mine, was a dear friend of mine. I haven't seen him in years. This is 10 years ago. And he calls me when he's like,

hey, you hungry? I'm like, this had to be 15 years ago. This had to be before the longest yard. And he goes, you hungry? Because I had a big daddy warm-up suit on him. They gave me a hard time. That's how high level that place is. And he goes, just meet me over there.

I'm here waiting for you. When I got there, he was with abroad. And he was married. And I'm like, what's going on? He goes, this is this chick. I'm fucking just play cool. So she sat next to me. And he sat next to me.

So I sat in between them. So he's talking behind my back. And I got the japs here. I'm like, you, come here. Keep bringing those steaks at $20 apiece. And I was dipping them in that sashimi sauce, whatever. It was, it is phenomenal. Where is it on sunset?

I mean, right next to the same. store right next to the store has the fire outside you walk upstairs you've been there right I haven't been there but the comics told me they would be good happy I know exactly where you're talking that plays in there it's a yardstick just to walk here I think that was a hotel

so I went there like in two I went there like in 2003 with this millionaire I was like what the sushi was fresh they were killing you could pick the fish out of a pond and shit and then Ralphie took me that one time and Ralphie must have dropped 800

it was just me and him and the fucking table was fucking packed with sushi yeah like it was just you can't even explain to people like they wouldn't even understand

like people go that's unnormal but before he hit I remember driving to jack in the box with him he was like Josh Wolf come up he was getting jack in the box for people in the building right

and he put two orders in. One was huge. And the other one was like a burger and fries. And I go, what's the small bag for? He goes, this is what I'm going to eat on the way to that apartment.

And I go, he goes, yeah, my other food's in the bag. I was like, okay, okay. And he goes, we open up the glove box. I go, yeah, my man had condiments. He had hot sauce. Yeah, hot sauce. Yeah.

He had every Taco Bell. Yeah. The red one, the purple one. Yeah, they fuck up a lot. Bro, he had every different color sauce in there. I was in that car a thousand times. He was so heavy in that car. He fucked the shocks up.

Yeah, I agree with that. The shocks were like this. He gave that car away, and the car was sideways. But he would have, you think I'm fucking kidding you. But here's the thing about Ralphie. Do you still remember him giving you a bag of candy to take home to the kids? Oh, yeah. This is when he was broke.

Yeah. When he was broke, he would still go, I remember him going, man, where's Josh Wilf had? He ain't coming to my house? I'm like, I don't know what Josh Wilf is at. And he's like, I bought those kids a bag of candies. And you know what? Like my heart broke. He didn't have a hundred bucks to give your kids.

But he had candy from him. Yeah. That was the type of duty was. You know, thinking about, I was thinking about the time. We were at the pool. Yeah, he was a good dude. We were at the pool. You asked me where the weed was hidden.

And you spelled it out, D-R-A-W. And I was like, what? It's in a fucking draw. I got that's not how you spell it. The R-A-W. Yeah. I made you say it twice. I go, what do you go?

It's in the D-R-A-W. I'm like, what are you saying to me? Because I couldn't yell. Then we're in Seattle and we move. I'm moving with you in Vista. How weird was that building? I mean, would people understand? No, the people that were in.

That you could walk. in that building. Would you please tell these people that you can walk in that building and get your dick sucked at four in the morning. No, no, it was crazy. Four in the morning. You get your dick sucked in that building.

What about the... You can have an argy in that building. What about the lesbian couple? That did heroin next to us. How hot were they? And the white porno chick next to hub? Canada.

The lesbian couple used to sell those stakes. What were those Omaha steaks? But they used to take heroin so the stakes would go bad in their apartment. And it would fucking smell. You have no idea. You have no idea what we saw in 97. There were a couple of drug dealers in that building.

There was two drug dealers, white lightning. Mm-hmm. There was the Jew, white lightning, the Mexican kid. Yeah. That's still around. He is? He's still around. He's still at the rainbow.

Come on. If you go to the rainbow, he's out there with white hair. It's up to his ass now. Oh, get the fuck. You have the chick. that white lightning sold drugs, but he didn't have the balls to hide it in this house. So he would hide in the garage,

which I dipped into many of times. And he would also hide that at the chick's house with no chin. She had big tits with no chin. Tremendous tits. Like when you saw it at the pool, you're like, look at those tithies. But when she turned around, there was no chin.

They'd take over here like this. You're like, how's she going to suck my dick with no chin? This is not good for people. You know what I'm saying? What's going to do to rub it with elbows? What's you going to do it? But she was a dynamite person. She was a great person.

And a lot of fun. She was a lot of fun. Yeah, yeah. That building was a lot of fun. At 4 in the morning, you had more of a chance of getting your dick sucked and doing heroin and coke at 4 in the morning there than you did by going out. It was bananas in that. For about a year. About a year, it was a crazy building to live it.

It was fucking. And I... Sounds like my nightmare. I just to hear you guys out there four in the morning, I'm like, oh, about that dude who lived right below me with that giant dog, giant. And you walked in, no, your brother walked in there high one day by mistake. This Rottweiler was like, oh my God. You know, the pictures of the dogs in the, in magazines that look like they have actual

muscles, that one of those motherfuckers. Really? Really. And he was trained them to kill. Yeah. training them to kill. Yeah. And next to the two hot heroin lesbians was a chick who Gary Wolf went out with.

She was high. From Montreal. From Montreal. What about the dude who killed the hooker with the sword who used to wear the fucking, he worked on Star Trek. And so he had Klingon makeup. He was an extra. But he was his dream to be on the show. So he used to wear that, he used to walk around on his road.

but he didn't take the fucking mask off and he would be his cling on in his robe walking. People have no idea. That dude was fucking crazy. That building was fucking crazy. The landlord was good people.

Maria. Maria. She was great. The chick who ran the room, the belly room. With a hot condition. I just saw her on Facebook. Kathy Lewis.

Kathy Lewis. Great. Testing. Yep. And she had an old. open mic. She was always very nice to us. Always very nice to us.

That Hollywood building, till this day, when I drive by it sometimes, just to get goosebumps. There was a parking spot where I used to take Anne Maney's car. And they'd do like a gram a blow. I remember one night we got some Coke from somewhere and it was on fire.

And I was at coaching horses with Fulton. Yeah. Doug Stannell. And I couldn't talk. the bar was packed and I couldn't talk I was so fucked up on this coke and I had like an eight ball of it I'm like what am I gonna do I've only done like five lines and I'm fucked up and I remember I said fuck it I left I said I'll be right back I pulled one of those moves I was so fucked up on coke and it was 11 o'clock and I couldn't even talk and I went across the street to a liquor store they just closed because they're gonna knock the old block down it was next to curse on 1711 I went to that liquor store I was I bought a six-pack, and I walked a vista, and I walked into Man Manini's car, and I still remember pulling the seat back and doing little lines. People walking their dogs, people walking past me from Elkhadry.

Oh, yeah. And I was laid in the seat back, and I would do lines, and I still remember being, like, three in the morning, and me putting, like, a jacket on, and lowering the sunroof. I had a sunroof, and I would just jerk off little jerks, so if somebody came by, they wouldn't see me jerking my dick. Doug, you can't write this shit. Right there on Vista, I would jerk off because it got to the point that I couldn't go upstairs and be coked up

because Malia would jump on me with that coke. I had to give her half. So I'm not giving nobody a half of this shit. There was some nights I'd give Malia a half and there was some nights the shit was just too good. I ain't given up a half. Thank you very much for coming on tonight. You're the best. 25 fucking years.

That's how fast. I still can't believe that. I'm doing comedy 29 years in two weeks maybe on 18th it's 29 fucking years I couldn't stick with nothing for two minutes

yeah but listen man I would tell you that anybody who's seen you before this all went down and saw you at the store like every bit of work you've put in shows oh no that's I told you it was weird.

This last year before this happened, I would find myself on stage and gets them laughing and I would go, I would think about while I was on stage telling the jokes, I would thank myself for putting in the work like,

oh, I remember where I learned this. I learned this at, what was that casino, that triple one? Elko. Yeah. Elko Nevada was a horror show. Elko, like, I learned this at the underground. You know, when I think about comedy

I think a lot about Seattle. I can give the comedy store a lot of love but I give me too. Carl and Ron and that whole scene, you know. They gave us so much freedom. You know, we had, you know,

and that's why when people said to me, well, I'm thinking of starting comedy in L.A. That's great. But I'll tell you what, you're not going to get out of it what you get out of it in a regular comedy community because we were not,

worried about headshots then. Nobody talked about head shots. We didn't talk about a DVD stand-up. We didn't talk about specials. We didn't talk about agents. We didn't talk about managers. And that's a very special thing. When you're just doing

stand-up and it's fun. Monday nights, how much fun, you lived? How much money did you make on Monday? He didn't make a dime. No. You went down there because you were going to eat for free. You were going to drink for free and you were going to laugh your ass off because we had 18 comics

who go up every Monday and Tuesday. Ten of them would be legit. Yeah. The other eight? But funny. Were guys that were going to pull the trigger on themselves or somebody else any day. And today, you look back,

a lot of those guys iced himself, the guy who's come out with the handcuff on. He did? Yeah, he was always a weirdo. He was always, like, don't act like, I forget what his name is. God rest his soul. Yeah, I didn't know, but I mean, I'm not surprised.

This case to come up on stage with the handcuff on, a tuxedo, like a... Yeah. You know. Yeah. There was one guy that had a joke up there. I remember one night I walked in their eyes as fuck. I think you know who it is.

I forget his name. Good kid. I think they used... You mentioned his name before. And I sat down kind of high, and I'm watching this guy headline. He goes, so... He was talking about a...

rodeo clown Joe Joe Paragamo Joe Paragamo and he goes Yeah that was That was Joe Vos Me and my son

A walk in animal store And my son Saw an hamster And he asked me Dad What do you prefer A rat or a hamster And he goes

Me? I prefer a finger Yeah That was Joe Vespasiani Joe Vespasiani First time I heard that joke I remember that joke I prefer the finger

I fucking fell the fuck back You know all those little God I remember that Bro you remember all those jokes He was a great writer He was a phenomenal He was talking about The rodeo clown

Something with a rodeo clown That I was on a roll on And then he went into the fucking Animal thing Son what do you prefer Boom boom boom But all those years of watching We're both here

And Brody is watching This podcast right now. Yeah, man. Motherfuckers, stop saying the King Harbour story. I don't live my life that way. I don't live my life that way.

It didn't happen that way. He kidnapped me. He should be in jail right now. I just forgave him. I forgave him because he was good to me. Because I saw him. Then he came to, then he came back.

You know, I was in, all right, so we moved to L.A. Brody was in New York. Yeah. And I'm a coach Norrisers one night. Brody walks in. So I'm with a girl and her girlfriend. And we start talking

And also that's 3 o'clock Brody don't do drugs I think Brody smoked pot Yeah But he didn't snort coke No So I'm snorting coke with the two broads And Brody's making the one broad laugh

So we go Fuck it, let's go Brody, are you coming with us? And Brody's like, what are you talking about? And I go, you're driving And he goes, I'm not driving? I go, you're fucking driving, bits Let's get in the car

We got in the car He's got the cassette in Yeah For Super Unknown We get to the fucking building where I lived, I lived on Hollywood, on the corner with all the Russian. Oh, yeah. The girl lived in the building next to me, and the other girl lived in the building.

We ended up in the girl's apartment. And then I left with the one girl, and I left Brody with the chubby blonde. But I stole the cassette to Super Unknown. As we were getting out of the car, I pushed the check. And I left, and two nights later, I see him at the store, and he's like, can I ask you a question? He goes, do you know what happened to my Super Unknown cassette? And I go, I got it at my house. You know, you really suck.

Yeah, he must have fucking steal a CD. Why would you take a cassette from my car? Brody, because I love you. I didn't have to tell you anything. You know what I'm saying? I just loved that album. Where are you going to be in the next few weeks? Are you home?

I'm home, man. I'm home. That's it. Just check out the YouTube channel. My special's on there for free. You're beautiful. You're the best. I'm happy, man.

You came out. I love you, buddy. Thank you so much. Before we get out of here real quick, Don't forget, listen, inflammation, pains, insomnia, anxiety, boom, CBD Lion, got your back. Go to CBDLion.com right now. Take a look at the fine line of CBD products they have, whether you like the bad salts, whether you want to use the tincture, the tape, they got new great CBD tape and last up to 48 hours.

48 fucking hours. you know, I'm a tinctia man I love the gummies that's what happens that they're gummies that gummies I get high and then I start eating their gummies and I eat the whole container in one night

so I tell my wife take the gummies because I eat them all and I give them away because I eat the whole box of gummies and I sleep at too fucking and I'm walking around too rested, you know what I'm saying? People like, what the fuck did you take?

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Pressing code church. C-H-U-R-C-H. Thank you, Lee. You're all right, Coxucker. You're finally in the high no more. Yeah, yeah. You took a couple of those farts brought you back. Yeah, yeah.

See what happens when you sniff farts? It's good for you. The church is also brought to you by one of my favorites, ZipRecruiter. During this time of change, we want you to know that ZipRecruiter's focus has not changed. They're still doing what they've always done. helping people find work

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go to ZipRecruiter. dot com. Let's work together. So go to ziprecruiter.com slash work together right now. ZipRecruiter.com slash work together. I want to thank Josh Wolf. I want to thank the...

What's that? Spotify. Oh, I want to thank... Don't forget to watch us on Spotify. I want to thank Josh Wolf. I want to thank the Christkiller. But I want to thank you guys for always having our fucking back.

It's a beautiful day to be alive. There's a lot of shit you can be doing, but you're listening to us cocksuckers. Thank you very much for tuning in. Lee, kick this fucking meal, will you?