The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #802 - Rudy Sarzo

Episode Date: July 8, 2020

Rudy Sarzo, a  legendary Bass player who has played with, Ozzy Osbourne, Whitesnake, and Dio to name a few, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt LIVE via Zoom. This podcast is brought to you by: Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout.   CBD Lion - For all of your CBD needs, from shatter to gummies go to CBDLion.com and use code CHURCH for 20% off. 

And there's the cops. Greetings from Podcastville. The church of what's happened now was brought to you by. On it. Listen, it's been a long four fucking months. A lot of people going through different things, especially me.

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It's Wednesday the 8th of fucking July. Get your shit together. Kick this fucking mulele. Oh shit. Get off like fucking today. No more fucking excuse. This is the year of the fucking soldier.

We're going in like fucking Marines. You understand me? Welcome to church, motherfucker. It's Wednesday, you dirty cock suckers. Humph day for some slinging dick day for others. You know what I'm saying? It's all up to you.

You ever to meet those people? It's Wednesday. Go fuck yourself. Would you rather be in a hospital or ventilator? You're out, you're breathing, you got SPV fucking ten on, shut the fuck up. I'm trying to put together a mix here. Listen, I like smoking joints, but not really anymore. Really?

Yeah, it's just a pain in the ass to smoke sometimes. I went in my collection, I pulled out the little fucking mule pipe. I soaked it in alcohol all day. That's how I rolled to get the Espiritos models out of there. At the same time, I soaked the fucking head of the bong. Nice, nice. soaked it, I cleaned out, I clean up my bong every three days with alcohol. I got a scrub,

I don't want no bad spirits in there. Thing looks tip-top, Magool like it's fucking brand new. But anyway, I told you, motherfucker, this is the one I drew by with some fucking ash. Look at these fucking things. Ooh, and it comes in this little glass thing. Listen to it.

Ooh. Listen to this. Watch this. Ooh. So on Wednesday today, I just I'm excited. We've got to smoke a little fucking hush-ish. And I got two types of ash. I got this one from the one I Jew, and I got this other black slab ash that my buddy gave me down at the comedy store. I've had this for a couple months. I've just been saving it, you know what I'm saying?

Sometimes you've got to save shit. You just can't run home and smoke like a jerk off. You got to save it for a special occasion. Look at this. I just ate a piece before. Oh. You ever eat ash? No. Read some of Bruce Lee's stuff. You haven't eaten none.

You don't even eat that. Relax. I can't even get you to eat a licking girl's asshole. You ain't hash? What you expect from me? But anyway, I don't give a fuck what he thinks. It's Wednesday. We got to get down.

This is the motherfucking church, right? The holy smoke has to blow big through these fucking microphone. There's people are down. People don't know what to do, but Uncle Joey's here. You know what I'm saying? To turn that frown upside down. Fuck you motherfuckers. Slinging dick and giving out bubble gum.

I don't give him. well, fuck what you got. Spark up a bowl, a joint. I don't care if you light your fucking finger on fire. You got a firecracker, throw it at Grandma. I got no time, you know what I'm saying? You would throw a firecracker at your grandma, they don't know how to react. If I had a grandma, I'd throw it at it,

but, you know, just to see them run and shit. Grandma, I used to have a grandma. You know, George's mother was my, George's grandmother was my grandma. And when I lived with them, she had a phone inside her room, and I would wait to

she was watching Letteman. She loved Dave Letteman. She was Panamanian, and she loved Dave Lederman. And she'd go in there at night. And I'd wait until she'd watch Letteman. And I'd go out to the kitchen phone, and I'd pick it up. And this was way before caller ID. It'd be about 1130, 40, call to 12.

And I'd call her, and you could hear her in the room going, Who the fuck is calling me at the 1145 at night? And she'd pick up the phone. And I'd go, wow. I just hang up the phone. I would do this three times a night for about fucking three months. And then I started doing it to her at night. And then listen to the best one.

I would leave the house at seven. And when I get to the corner, I would call her again at about 7.30. And hit her with her, wow. And she would fucking hang up the phone. I come home for dinner. And she'd be like, somebody keep calling the fucking house, making fucking noises. I'm going to find out who his fuck it is and I'm gonna fucking kill him.

You understand me, Coco? I'm like, Grandma, you know, there's a lot of crazy people out there. You gotta deal with it. Sure enough, she goes in the bedroom, she gets her slippers on, she pulls her teeth out. I hit it with a fucking, wow.

Clark, this went on. I even moved to fucking Colorado and would do it to her. Right? And I come back, and she's like, can you fucking believe that somebody's still calling my phone and go,

I go, grandma, it's, wow. She goes, you son of Mbici, I knew who's you. Here's a fucking bowl for grandma, right? Got suckers? Son of Mbitchie. There you go on a Wednesday. That's how to clean the fucking spirits out. You know what I'm saying?

If you got, listen, refocures Corona. Fucker, let's go on a limb with Brendan Sharp here. Reefuck yours, Corona. If you smoke refa, it clogs up the receptors so the Corona can't hit you. I think you might as well start smoking cigarettes too while you're running up up hills backwards I don't know

I don't fucking know nothing about coronavirus Everyone else is saying different things You don't know? Listen there's so much information But anyway This podcast ain't about Corona It's about us It's fucking Wednesday

Cock suckers Nothing new has happened My daughter turned seven and a half today One thing that did bother me I just saw something very disturbing And we need to address this right now on the church. You know, man, I've been on an uphill

battle with fucking weight and getting healthy since 2007. Once I quit blow, a couple months late, I thought about the damage I had done to my body. I'd seen it. When I lived in Colorado once, I saw

I told you, I went with a buddy of mine to like an alcohol class. He'd gotten a bunch of DUIs before DUIs or DUIs. as they called them something else. And they showed the effects of alcohol on the body. I never forgot that. Like when you drink, it affects your liver, this, this, this, your mind. And I just remembered, and I thought about the 20 years of cocaine that I did,

and I just said, I got to fix all these things. You know, I got to fix the dopamine levels in my mind. You know, there was so many things. And I went to some doctors and talked to them, and I was very honest and very frank. But that has been my mission. you know, pretty much. Now, I know Rome was never built on the day.

Nothing's ever built on the day. So you have to look at yourself objectively and go, you know, I want to do these things. This is how I'm going to do them. And this is how I'm going to stick to it. It's very rare. I mean, it's to the point now where it's very rare that I even touch a soda. Like there is, I don't want the baby.

I don't want my daughter growing up with soda in the house. So we've been keeping the soda in the freezer. if somebody wants a soda, go out to the garage and get it. In fact, we split soda as me and my wife, even if they're diet. Like, I just, every week I've been trying to do better. Over this quarantine, I gave a bacon. I'm not a fucking Muslim. I'm not, you know, I got no religious asylum with anybody.

I'm not Jewish. I just thought that two slices of bacon is 14 slices a week. You know, I'm getting older now. And you got to take care of a few things. And you know what? Guess what, guys? All the bullshit I talk to you guys about? Guess what I'm doing now?

I'm eating egg whites. I'm not eating egg whites by themselves. Bite your fucking tongue. I'd rather have hummus fucking filled in my eyeballs. I eat scrambled eggs because I know it takes up more on my stomach. So I need less fucking food. I was eating two sunny side-up eggs and just eating a fucking yolk with a piece of toast. And that don't do nothing for you.

You're hungry three hours later. You take three fucking eggs. more eggs and you whip them up and put some salt and pepper and some ketchup on that motherfucker. What? I do got to say, watching it eat just of the yolk is pretty impressive. It's a thing to see. Yeah. You go around it.

Nobody believes it. I fucking cut around it like Paulie and Goodfellas. With the garlic, I bring my own razor blade. I don't touch the fucking white. I fucking ate the white. The taste of it as a kid, I don't know what I ate more. The white or the fucking milk. Anything white like that, I fucking can't stand.

Don't get me started. So I fucking when whipping it up eggs and so I saved on two points. I get two points. So I get seven grams of protein per egg. So I get 28th of breakfast. A piece of toast is two points and butter is one point. I just give it like a little fucking Puerto Rican spread on half the piece. I don't have to be butter on the whole thing.

And it works. And if I don't do that, I throw down oatmeal. And that's what I've been doing over the break. If I look at what accomplishments I made, that's it. I wish I could have rode a fucking ballet, or I could have rode Tommy, or I could have lost 100 pounds. I did gain some weight the first month and a half because of the cortisol levels, but I'm back down to my fighting weight, so I'm happy about that.

I'm banging out of a bicycle, but I never took fucking, when I was, listen, when I was 17 and I was doing angel dust, I wasn't thinking about being fucking 57. with a family and a child and a podcast and doing comedy. When I was 25, eating other butters at night, like they were going out of style in prison. I was not thinking about being fucking 50, okay?

When I was 38 going on the road and eating bar food at the road, onion rings, like they were going out of style, I never thought I would get to 50. And then when I was 45, I stopped doing blow, and I'm like, I got to take care of myself. from little by little. I made adjustments. I went to weight watches. Again, I started at 4 fucking 18,

and I started peeing in my pants when I would go in the ring for three minutes. Three minutes. I would piss my fucking pants. Now I could ride my bike for 50 minutes, you know, unfucking stopped. And the only reason why I stopped is my shoulders hurt from fucking hold on to the bike so tight because I'm fucking flying down the bike with a fucking red helmet on, you know what I'm saying? tonight I saw a church member from day one. In fact, he goes back with us to fucking Beauty and the Beast. I don't know if he wants me to talk about him or not, but he put a picture up, so I might as well talk about him

and not in a bad way. I'm using him as, you know, to give him life for the church and to give others for the church. Sergio Tate is a good man. It comes to 90% of my shows, whether I'm in fucking Oakland, San Jose, San Francisco, the punchline,

Cobbs, I mean, Sergio Otega first came into my life on Beauty and the Beast. He sent an email about fucking in an ambulance or some shit like that. They didn't catch him or something like that. I'm like, that's absurd. And he fucking stuck through his guns.

He's like, fuck you, you fed, fuck. I'm telling you, I fuck my wife in an ambulance. And now I had to believe him. He's fighting for it. So, excuse me, let me take a hit off this ash. I'm on a roll here. So he's a good man. He's one of us.

He's family, and whatever he reaches out, you know, I reach out to him. He comes down. He brings his beautiful fucking family. He's got a beautiful wife. Well, let's cut the chase. Tonight, he puts up a fucking picture of his foot with a bandage, which looks like a toe missing. And he said, don't let diabetes, blah, pop.

I mean, I got to be honest with you guys. I know Sergio, you know, as well as I know anybody else. And if a tear came down my, like I started feeling here for him, he's got children. So I want the church to say a prayer. If you know Sergio Othega on Facebook, reach out to him, touch base from him, because that's what we do. That's what we do here on the church. We reach out to the wounded ones. They're not looking for $20,000.

the bucks. They're not looking for fucking you to take him to lunch. They're not looking for nothing like that. All they're looking for is to let you know that the church always has your back. Just let him know whatever he needs if you're in the area. I mean, there's some great people up in that Bay Area. You know, I'm sure you know Sergio from shows and stuff like that. I don't even know if I should be giving out this information. I'm sorry if I am, but he put a picture of his foot up on whatever. And some people were talking about glucose levels. and whatever. Listen, I got fears.

I'm not scared of dying. We're all going to fucking die. We all have a fucking expiration date. One man knows it. Every day he fucking reaches in a canister and he picks out a fucking name. You know what I'm saying? Or he picks out three names

or he lets Jesus pick him out some Chinese guy that's walking by. I don't fucking know. You know, we don't have an expiration date. I don't know. We all have an expiration date. What I'm trying to tell you, fucking savages, is that just try a little bit, you know. I mean, yeah, maybe I ate a little bit too meat tonight.

My wife made these steaks, and maybe I ate a piece of her meat, but I didn't fucking touch the baked potato. I didn't touch the butter, you know. Like I said, the fucking edibles, I love them. The downside is the fucking eating. I gave my friend the can of that easy, quick, quick. easy and he said that he woke up in the middle night and he ate three bags of candy that he didn't fucking throw in the garbage

he couldn't stop eating coffee you know you know many nights I've been there and I'm eating and I can't even stop my hands and I'm just chewing before I could think to stop like I'm just shoving shit and I wish I was lying to you I wish I was lying to you

you know my wife found an apple in the fucking blanket the other day you need that a fucking apple in the blanket I must have fallen asleep eating the fucking apple in the blanket. That's marijuana. That's not heroin. That's not alcohol. I don't drink. I don't do dick.

That's 420 milligrams. Whatever we did, a good 5.20 at night. At least you had an apple. Add an apple or protein shake. That's crazy. First, I always have an apple. That's a rule. If you're not hungry enough for an apple, you ain't hungry.

So I tell my wife buy apples. It's hard to stick to that rule when you're high, though. No, it works because the apple takes a lot of space in your stomach. Yeah. So you pop one apple. Then you're a little hungry, you pop a second apple. Nothing wrong with that. Guarantee you're going to shit tomorrow.

Remember, what's the old saying? An apple day keeps the doctor away. Save that apple for it night. So you wake up in the morning and the shit flies out of your ass like a torpedo. There's no drama. There's no pushing. There's no reading the newspaper. You just sit and inhale.

Poop. The submarine flies out. You fucking put the bidet on. You wipe a little bit, and you're off and fucking running. So I pop the two apples. I'm a little hungry. I can make a protein shake with three ice cubes and water and two scoops, you know? It's not bad.

It's 30 grams of protein. I wake up in the morning. I drink a Coke. American coffee first. Then I do a four-shot espresso, and I wait for the fucking asshole to just blow up. I pop two garlic pills with the espresso. those to give the fucking room some scent to let the room to make the paint

fucking dry and I go to work Jack. I'm an old man I got systems here. You got to keep that fucking parachute dropping. You know what I'm saying? What are you going to do? Oh it's dropping. Oh, you got to drop it. Let me fill one more bowl up and then we'll get to the moral of the fucking story. I love the idea that Jesus takes a turn picking names out of the bucket. Somebody takes the fucking names of the buckets. They even let Hitler one day. They're like they even have Hitler day.

Where he goes out there and picks a Jewah. Whatever the fuck he speaks, I don't know. Nativil by any way, you shit. But anyway, let's smoke a little piece of hash and we'll talk about it later. Who the fucking might a fucking criticize you, cock suckers? What I'm trying to say to you is do me a favor, all right? Last week, Felicia came over the house. Michaels, who I love with all my heart.

She came over to hang out with my wife and me. We all had a mask on. We sat outside. but she brought apple pie and a bunch of fucking great stuff. And that's my wife. I took a little spoon of the apple pie and that was it.

I don't try to eat sugar at night. I avoid it at night like the fucking plague because that's how I think in my mind I would become diabetic. And my fucking fat little Cuban stone mind, I think if I eat, because one day I went to the fucking doctor. As I was walking in,

I lost a cookie in the car. You would lose a cookie in the car. You lose a cookie in the car. Who lost the cookie in the car? I couldn't fucking find it. Two weeks I'm looking for this fucking cookie. I put the iPod in the car, and I open up the back seat, and there's the fucking cookie sitting there, like half melted.

I'm like, I'm not going to let that go to waste. That's like 100 milligrams. So I ate the cookie before I went into the doctor's office. Oh, my God. I didn't know this cock sucker was going to blast out of a drug test, Tommy. Oh, no, no, not a drug test, a blood test. Oh, no, not a drug test. Why is the doctor going to hit him with a drug test?

I didn't know he's going to drop a fucking blood test on me So I go sure Let me do the blood test Fucking two hours later I got a call in my house You better get down here What the fuck do you got in your system What is all this sugar?

I go what are you talking about Because you went over the fucking mark Like you're fucking way higher than you've ever been What's going on with you Well it's funny that you mentioned at night Because obviously I'm not anywhere To talk about health But I have noticed that eating sugar at night

Like if I don't sleep I look back, oh, I had sugar at night. Like, that never used to happen. Like, sure. Like, what Dean Del Rey has done has shown me, even if you just get out sugar, that's a ton of stuff. Like, sugar is great.

I respect Dean Del Rey more. Dean Del Rey inspires the fuck out of me. I fucking pick something up out of the garbage for Dean Del Rey today. That's how much I love Dean. I was riding my bite this morning, and people are moving. so Dean collects old speakers and shit like that

so I'm riding my fucking bike I'm on the other side of fucking Laurel Canyon and those side streets there and I see fucking under a tree I see an old school amplifier with four fucking speakers that are just like

you know like Led Zeppelin type speakers like from the 70s so I called Dean because Dean moved to the valley and he didn't answer and I want to be. went home and I called Dean again and he goes I'm in the Los police I go to this place I had the address I go go over there I hit it for you in

the bushes there's a fucking I got off the bike and I hit the fucking the amplifier for him and other things and then I went back people outside like fucking walking their dogs and I put the amplifier in the back of the Subaru oh shit fuck yeah just because I know dean knows this people that are very good at that not me I'm not good at fixing shit But there's people who look at something Open the back Put a fucking wire in

It's brand new And surface it Repaint it clean it up And they go on eBay Yeah that too Dean does that all day long I ain't mad at you You're hustling

I got another friend Damon He's on eBay all day He goes and buys golf clubs and shit If you know what you're looking at you yeah Listen there's just People you gotta do What you got to do

But Speaking of speakers And speaking of amplifiers, we Zoom this weekend because of the coronavirus numbers spiking again. So I didn't want to bring him in. But I want to introduce my brother. He came in for his tri-yearly checking to talk about music touring out what he's doing in his spare time and what he's doing to fucking battle the quarantine blues. Bring in Rudy Sarzo.

We want to welcome a brother to the podcast, my main man, my Cuban patriot, my political prisoner of love, Mr. Rudy Sarzo. What passa? Coco, what you, buddy? So you were saying you haven't been to the gym since February? February, yeah, because, you know, we've been on tour prior to that. And then the last show we did was Epcot Center in Orlando. there's like an amphitheater there

and it's seasonal. It's like every day there's a band playing and we were supposed to be there for like three days. But we were going to leave on Friday and they call management and say, listen, we're going to need you guys to finish off on Sunday because we're going to shut the park down on Sunday and instead of bringing in a band

that comes in on Saturday and only play for half of the engagement. We'd rather extend you guys' engagement. And we went from like a pact on Thursday. Yeah, on Tuesday, Tuesday, Thursday, when we first started, packed house, not at a single seat open. I got photos. To the last show we did, there were like five people in the audience.

So it emptied out that quick, like the word. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I took photos. Yeah. Let's say it shut down on Sunday, Sunday night. I would say by Friday, you could see a trickle.

People just not showing up. And so you've been home since March 15th? March 15, yeah. I saw more people at the airport than I did at the show. Yeah. Yeah. And how is the quarantine? How have you handled it?

Well, so far since March, I don't have any other thing in the quarantine. You know, being a musician, I'm used to isolation. Even if I'm in my hotel room, I got my base with me, and I'm on YouTube, and I'm learning, and I'm expanding my musical vocabulary and just, you know, being creative. I do the same thing at home. So it's like another day for you. It's just like another day.

I mean, you know, when you turn on the news, it's horrific to hear about, it's horrific. So that's not another day. That's something else. but, you know, just once in a while, turn it off and get within myself, find some peace personally, because I was getting really angry. I got, I got to tell you, about a month and a half ago, it all started, you know, with, we start down and in lockdown, right?

We're locked down, and I see messages on TV, advertisement, you know, we're all in this together, we're kinder people, and kumbaya, we're going to be much better humanity after this. immediately like like six two weeks later bam everything goes to shit there's rioting there's looting

and I'm thinking whatever it happened you know people just snapped they just fucking snapped you know and that guy and it's like a you know domino effect it just got to a point that reached me I was flipping out

you know and then I realized wait a minute 40 years ago 40 years ago, I was sleeping on a floor with nothing, totally destitute, no future, no nothing. But I was at peace. I was a peace with God, the universe, whatever people want to call it. I call it God.

And I was at peace. And it was like, man, I got to get back to that. Because I couldn't be any more blessed than I am. And here I am at war with myself and the rest of the freaking universe. You know. They fucking crazy. when you find yourself on isolation, quarantine. And you have a wife, you have the dogs, you have the base,

you have all these things, but as human beings, we also have a thing called the mind. That's what we all share. And I'll tell you, during this, I'd like to do a documentary and interview people about what their experience was and how they broke it down, how the levels of your frustration turned to anger,

fear, you went through every emotion. From April till two weeks ago, you went through every emotion in the book and it was high alert. Like your anxiety was high a few days. Then if you weren't anxious, your fear was high. And then you're getting all this information that nobody seems right.

Like you're getting all this information thrown at you and nothing seems right. But I found myself the second week, I was alienating. I was playing with the baby and talking to them and eating dinner with them. But besides that,

I was hiding from them. I just kept hiding from them. And one night I was in my office and I go, what the fuck am I doing? I'm at war with myself. My wife is sitting in that living room all by herself. Let me go talk to her,

tell her what's going on with me. Just so she knows, I don't put a fucking gun in my mouth. after something because I would never even think about something like that. But there were nights during this that your mind wanders. Your mind wanders. For you, it might have been a night, the third night of the Ozzy Asborn tour where you flicked a cigarette and it burned something.

God forbid I could have lit the auditorium up. And now it hits you now that you could have lit the auditorium up. You know, stupid shit like that played with me. So when I made peace with my wife, wife. I went in that thing and I told what was on my mind and what I've been thinking about. We became our level of the relationship grew a bump. It wasn't even about years now. It was more about trust. I told her exactly, you know, shit that when you're a man, you don't want to share with anybody. You know, like, you're like, I'm supposed to be a man.

I'm supposed to be the man at the house. But I still have my, my, you know, you can't sit, chinks in your armor, you know. There's nothing wrong with being a man in the house and having a few chinks in your arm. So I went in the living room and sat with her and talked with her and let her know what I was feeling and told her to keep her eye on me and everything changed. Anxiety levels dropped, fears dropped. The news you cannot watch unless you're a glutton for punishment. Watching the news as an American is me sitting you down, tying you up, and what's that shit?

They battleboard you when you're on. in Guantanamo Bay. Waterboarded, yeah. Waterboard you. You think about it. When you watch the 7 a.m., the 3 o'clock news, then the world news tonight, your anxiety levels, go up right up as you're sitting there.

You've got to unwind your legs. So I made a rule. I was like, Terry, no more TV in the daytime. Because usually she puts a TV on just to clean and walk around. And I would be in my office, and I could hear Corona cases growing. I'm trying to write something. I'm trying to focus on something. And once you hear coronavirus, so I say, listen,

the TV can't go on until 5. Then we pushed it to 6. So now the TV doesn't go on until 6. If the baby wants to watch TV, after camp, she'd go in a fucking room and watch Disney too. But there's no TV. I don't want her hearing. You know, there was a couple nights we're in the living room,

building Legos. The TV's on, the family room, and you can hear the TV like, 80 people died today I don't it goes even though she doesn't react to it it goes into here and into her psyche

the first three weeks of March she didn't want to go out bro she didn't want to go out just from what she had heard on the news not from us because I don't put fear into that's I was watching her as a seven year old girl how she wrapped her head around this

and I started looking at it and then I started forcing her to go out I go, as long as we have our mask on, we can fucking go out. We started going out, then we started riding bicycles, then I got a bicycle from the neighbor, and little by little we took baby steps, you know, it was just baby steps, and now I'm okay. I'm not ready to hit an airport.

I'm not ready to get on a bus or a shuttle with eight or nine people. I'll tell you that much. I'm not ready for none of that shit. I'm ready, like even with you, you live a hop, skip, and a jump, and I was like, Rudy, Let's not even do it This is going to be a bad week right here This is a bad week

It's in the air You know So I'm happy we got to at least see each other Yeah Usually we do our monthly over at Yeah The Cuban joint But I went by there yesterday

The Cuban joint Don't even have tables outside yet Oh no no You have to call order And take it in the box They don't even want to put Burbank is putting tables out there Like they're starting to put tables out there

But any day now the other side because people are never satisfied because they're doing it in New York too. If you go to New York now, they're putting the tables out and they put barricades on the street so people could eat. Like if it's a lot of restaurants

in Red Bank, New Jersey and places like that, you're going to get the people. I got a handicap chair. I can't go through. I can't walk through. So there's always going to be somebody that bitches. Any day now, I'll bet you fuck.

American dollars within a week. Somebody's going to raise their hand and say the Disabilities Act is going to sue New York City because they can't get through with their one leg or whatever the fuck it is. There's always somebody who's unhappy with something now. You cannot say social media has become, social media was fun.

It's not even fun no more. When you go on social media, it's like you're going to fight. Even if you write something positive, they turn it into something negative. But I'm not mad at them, Rudy. They've been locked in a house. They've been lied to. They're broke.

Their taxes are due in 10 days. And unemployment runs out on July 31st. How would you feel right now as an American? You didn't get your stimulus check. Your president doesn't wear a mask. this guy tells you that it's airborne. This guy tells you that you can't get it from sucking pussy. You know what I'm saying?

So every day there's new info thrown at you. So this is what I've done. I did the same thing you did. You know what? I don't need to listen to anything. I will wear my mask. I will not go out anywhere where there's more than six or seven people jerking off in the circle. And I'll stay at home with my family.

And I'll trace my steps. Everywhere I go is very simple. I live in my own little prison. I'm like, what's his name? What, Pablo? We're like Pablo Francisco. Escobar. You pick your own fucking prison.

Whole foods, the gym, the weed store, and the fucking house. I have a furlough two times a day. I leave for an hour. I go to the weed store. I get a little Novothor or a cryout I still have not gotten the nerve to go into the freezy yet. I could do the novathor, the red light therapy where you lay down for 20 minutes and the lights hit you, but I still haven't had the balls to go into the freezer yet.

That's how I'm wishy-washy. And hey, I'll admit it. We all have fears of something, you know. Yeah, you just mentioned something before about, you know, you know, looking at everybody else and just my reaction is everybody has a journey

everybody has a destiny and I can't keep people from doing things it's part of what their trip is going to be you know mine is to not be affected negatively by it

to a certain degree you know just let it go it's like when you and I when we were in our 20s, I'm going to be 70 years old this year. So let's say looking at somebody 50 years older than me, you know, it's like, yeah, dude, you know, it's not your world anymore. It's us. We're the new generation, the new generation. Well, I'm part of that now. I have to look at younger generation, even the 20s or the 30s, who are in control, who are creating, who are doing things

who are influencing, and say, you know, whether I like that. it or not, it's their world. 50 years from now, they'll go through the same thing. But it's all part of our journey. You know, I'm closer to the end of my journey than I am at the beginning right now, but my focus is to, like I mentioned, to be at peace. Because that was a gift to receive that peacefulness, even at my worst, lowest moment of my life when I was about to turn 30 years old, 30.

now I'm about to turn 70 and man I got to tell you I was so off track from that piece of mind that it took this what has been going on for the last since you know since March or whatever

to actually it was like hitting that wall like you're driving down the freeway and you fucking hit a wall you go you're either going to crash and burn or you're going to survive it what I did is I survive I came out of that crash and I

said, holy shit. And the full realization of what I have to do is what I'm going through right now. What should they look like now, Rudy? You know, if you're going to get to the finer details, I don't get it out of bed until I do my being grateful meditation. Gratefulness. I play with the little dog in bed, say a prayer, and then I hit the floor running, start making, you know, making breakfast. I'll watch two or three channels of news for five minutes,

world news and local news, immediately going to YouTube and start searching music tutorials. It could be a variety of subjects. And then by 10 o'clock, my wife gets up and I just start doing things. You know, keep it busy. This, I was still looking forward to our podcast today. You still doing the radio show? Oh, yeah.

Yeah, I do that. Yeah. And make a list, yeah, we got a, uh, at any given broadcast that we do because you, you can't download it. Because it's, it's a music-centric channel. And like, if you have like delivery of podcasts, it's cost prohibited to include music, which is what we do is conversation and then we play a lot of music having to do with a conversation of the special guests like you, you know.

and and and but since we have music in it we cannot make it available as a podcast because it's the publishing laws right we have to pay for that yeah so you only play it to one time one time well it's it then we have two or three rebroadcast you know play play

now maybe a couple of months later and then through through the year every every couple of months now you know I've been doing comedy 29 years, obviously I went to see you in 81 or 82. That's 38 years ago. How are you handling with not going out at night? How are you handling not going to rehearsal once a week?

How are you handling not getting on Thursday? How are you handling all those things? Yeah, that's tough because I can't recreate that at home. I mean, the act of playing, experiencing, you know, the whole musical process of being creative or actually playing a song that it's part of the set that is just basically recreating rather than

creating. They'll have their challenges. So at home, as far as playing goes, I can play more at home because when I travel, I'm traveling. So I can't play because I'm on a plane or I'm in a vehicle. So as far as playing, being satisfied for playing,

yes, performing, that's something completely different because it's That's when you need people in the audience. I did a live stream about a month ago with Steel Panther. And, yeah, that was awesome. And it was very controlled in a studio that was set up not for live streaming, but not for what we're going through right now. So it's been there.

They got all the kinks out. And everything ran incredibly smooth. I played a couple of songs with the guys, and there were about 10,000 people tuning in live. That's amazing. Well, you know, I could see going deep into the valley, getting a warehouse, one of those things like an airplane hanger,

and opening up the doors, and if it's five guys, you could rehearse with mask on, except for the singer, obviously. Yeah. And everybody's more than social distance. You could stand 10 feet from me and play the fucking bass, you know. Yeah. I mean, that's the only good thing that musicians do have as long as there's fresh air coming in.

You're not going to go into a studio, shut the door, and come out of there alive. That's not going to happen with some guys sounding music in the room. Those days are done with her right now, with eight guys in the room. But that's what you have the advantage over us. I mean, yeah, I can go back on a truck and get a bunch of people in the parking lot and make believe you're going to social distance. But my big problem is, Rudy, I don't want anybody to get it

while they're doing business with me. I think that's bad business. Whether I'm a comic or as a human being, I don't want to give it to... I don't want somebody to say I came on the podcast and got it. I went to one of Joey Diaz's shows and got it. That would bother me to no end. that would bother me to no fucking end.

So for that reason is why I'm not performing. You know, I'd rather take the time off like you. I've been doing this for a long time. Do I miss it? Fuck, yeah, I miss it. But do I want to go up one time and then not go up for another month? No, I don't. When I go, I want to go.

I want to be able to go tomorrow night and that joke work. Let me try this Thursday night And that joke worked Let me try that Friday night I don't want to just do it And then them shut us down For another month That's where I'm at

Once I go for it It's going to be my last run I'm gonna be 60 in two years This is my last run So I'd rather stay off now Let them get everything done The temperature checks The thermometer in the ass

Remember when you were a kid Rudy They stuck up the mama in your ass They don't do that no more right? Remember that? Well, when I was a kid in Cuba. Yeah. I mean, there was a lot of stuff. I don't know if it's because it was the 50s and this was going on everywhere,

including Cuba and the United States and whatever. But, you know, if I would catch a cold, my mom would give me an enema. Right. That was like part of the cure to get the toxins out of your body. A.k.a. impugante. An pungante. Uganda.

Your mom would give you something that you shit blood for fucking two days and you were fine. I don't know what it was for. Not milk or magnesium. Leicester and magnesium. Lesser and magnesium. I sturm of my mother making me drink a gallon of prune juice. That's where you're shitting all over the walls. Cubans don't give a fuck, Jack.

If they look on the eyelids and the blood ain't right on the eyelids, you got problems. They make a steak with eggs right on the spot. They throw away your fucking chicken nuggets and fruit. They just throw it away. My mom ate it all that shit. Sometimes I see what my wife cooks with my daughter. And I sit there and I go, my wife is lucky. My mom ain't here because she would take that dish and break it over her fucking head.

Why does my kid have grapes on a dish like Julius Caesar? You know, Cubans don't play that shit. they want to see meat, potatoes, and vegetables. Fuck the grapes and the fucking... Your dad told, I go, don't put nachos on a fucking dish no more. Like chips, like those Doritos. That's not fucking dinner. Yeah, but she likes...

I don't give a fuck what she likes. I like, you know, I like jumping off planes. You don't see me fucking doing it. You know, the fuck is wrong with people. Have you been to the Cuban restaurant? I think it's in one of the terminals at Atlanta airport. No, I have not. There's a Cuban restaurant.

Yeah, it's very Georgia style. So it's like even though it's supposed to be a Cuban restaurant, yeah, it's one of those, I think it's F or J, you know, it's like really way off, you know. You got to, you know, you gotta spend like half an hour on that tram going from one area to the next. Fuck it. I'll hold off until I get back to Union City.

You know what I'm going to walk through an airport for five great Cuban food. Oh, this is George's style. Listen, there's Naino, Georgia, and Cuba. Yeah. There's Kamawa, Pina de Rilu, and La Havana. Exactly. Which is what you get. Yeah, when you go to La Carreta or Biscaya at the Miami International Airport.

Oh, my God. You can't miss with that. See, here's the thing. You can't get a good flight from L.A.X. to Miami. So just to even recently, you got to fly into Fort Laud of them. Yeah. They got weird flights, so jet blue flights, flights in. to West Palm Beach, you could take mint and then drive the hour into Miami.

Fort Lauderdale flies into... Polaradale, yeah. So that sucks, but I can't tell you how many times I woke up hungover like a motherfucker. In Miami, you go to the airport, and it's great. It really shows you class that you look at the Cuban coffee place, and there's a lion out the ass. You look at Starbucks, and there's one guy working. He yells his own orders.

Like, let me get a Macalino, and then he runs over and makes it. Because you got to be an asshole in Miami to pay $450 for a coffee. When you got Cubans giving you a fucking, they give you that cellophane cup, because you get one shot for like 50 cents. But you're like, fuck it. Let me do a six-shotter for $2. And you pour some sugar in that motherfucker? You get on a plane like fucking, who's the guy Michael Jackson,

like Peter Pan. That's what you look like when you get on a pan. You're spinning around and shit, people looking at you, you're singing, you're whistling. And then you take the Cuban sandwiches, but you don't have them cook them. You say, let me get 10 Cuban sandwiches. Just don't cook them. And they'll look at you weird. You're like, mind your business. Just do what I tell you. Put the Cuban sandwiches in the bag. It's like you're holding them up. They can't understand it. I get those Cuban sandwiches. I put them right over me. And then you get home, then you put them in the oven and you cook them up. That's all they're going to do. But if they cook them by the time you bring them home, they're like a fucking brick. So when I go to Miami on the way out, I am

excited as a, like if the flight leaves at seven, like if the flight leaves at eight and I got to be a seven, I get there at six because I get there and I have a seven-course meal for breakfast. I will get up a six and purposely smoke two joints when I leave Miami. Because I know at the airport, there ain't going to be no eggs, those powdered eggs with those fucking cat sausages. And so they always give you the wrong bread. No, no, no, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah. And I go in there and do you know that they serve heavy-duty shit in the morning? Like most places, well, they serve breakfast to 11, not Cuban people.

You could go in there at 8 and say, let me get number 25. We got nickel popper with red beans and fried bananas. And there's a guy back that's dying to make those. He was just thinking about them themselves. He wasn't in the move for eggs either. I will get on a fucking, I will sit there and get the carnacompa with an extra order of platonoles and rice and beans, give me extra rice. And I will kill that whole dish.

That's the only one I could fly into Miami because then I won't even take my mask off on the plane. You get so fucking filled in Miami. Then you got the 15 Cubans hanging over you. And there's a little oven in the plane. You give that stewed us a $5 bill And tell that bitch to heat it up And you get yourself a Cuban sandwich Everybody else is eating that shit they eat on a plane

That mush they give you Fuck that I love that Miami International Airport You just don't fly out of there enough Yeah Yeah usually see what I do is I go from L.A. To Miami I take a red eye Direct from L.A.X to Miami

And then I go see my mom That's a good one Yeah so I'm there like know, like three, four, you know, four or five days. And then I schedule it. So from Miami, I fly to the next, the guess who gig. Because most of our gigs are on the East Coast. So I have to go to Atlanta anyways to meet, you know, to get to like Boise, let's say.

You know, whatever, you know, like not the major hubs. Because I could always fly Miami to Chicago, but that's not where I'm going. So I have to go through Atlanta to get to my final destination. And that's when you hit the fucking Cuban joint. That's what I sit there. And yeah, Papa Rejena, that's my favorite. It's got everything. It's got the carbs and it's got the protein, you know.

One shot meal. And it's got a little frying so you get the cholesterol level up. Everything's good. My fucking favorite airport for food is Newark. Newark's got a crab cake place. that's like nationally known. And at 6th of the morning, you're going to get two crab cakes

and two eggs sunny side up with toast and little potatoes. Let me tell you something, Lee. And I tell you how to... Listen to me. The first time I went in there, I only ate one because I was trying to stick to my weight watcher points.

I got no reason to lie, nobody at home. I was stabbing myself on the neck when I was standing on that plane for not getting 10 more of those fucking things. That's how good they are. Phillips. Look up Phillips fucking crab cakes.

It's like internationally known. They're like run DMC on the microphone. I get stupid. I mean, not rageous. Stay away from me. If it contagious. Whatever the fuck. Oh, they're frozen ones.

They can mail them to you. Phenomenal at that airport. You get two crab cakes and two eggs sunny side up with toast. Hold the bacon. I don't even need the bacon. Why are we throwing bacon in there? What am I? What is my name fucking Phil?

Get the fuck out of here, you know what I'm saying? What else, Rudy? How are you dealing with the no touring? I mean, because let me tell you what happens when you tour. For people who don't know this at home, my wife and I are very much in love. I love my wife very much. But let me tell you something.

Guess who likes me going on the road the most? My wife. because in 29 years, in 20 years we've been together, she's been used to me leaving twice a month. So those are two nights she could sit on the couch and scratch her ass and smell her fingers and watch the Walking Dead and all her English shows. And nobody gives a fuck. You know what I'm saying?

Because I'm not going to sit there and watch those fucking shows she watches. So that's the night, you know what I'm saying? Like, it's like last night I went out. we just did a late night podcast, you know. And this morning, she told me, when I woke up the next day, she was like, that was kind of nice last night. And I didn't take it personal because I know they're both used to it. They've been used to it.

So this doesn't even affect us only. It affects our wives, the people around this. How's your wife taking it? I mean, she must be happy that you're home. Yeah, she's happy. we used to make a joke, you know, before things are the way they are now. It's like if I would be home for like three weeks and, you know, I'll make jokes about, okay, you know, she'll say something and say, okay, that's all right.

Don't worry. I'm leaving in a couple of days, you know. But having said that, you know, we just celebrate our 36 wedding anniversary a couple of weeks ago. And we've been together since 81. And I, you know, we're in a really, really good place in our marriage all around. And I'm glad that it went in that direction because he could have gone, you know, the opposite direction right now. We could be filing for divorce, you know. But there's certain things like, you know, you either do one thing or you embrace that thing.

And it is to embrace our relationship. and also our relationship with ourselves. Just going back to being at peace with yourself, you know, because I couldn't be at peace with anything outside of me without being a peace with myself. You know what I mean? No, it makes a lot of sense. You know, yeah.

You know, being a peace with my family, my wife or, you know, my brother, my mom, you know, it's like, suppose I got to be at peace with myself. And then I say, okay, now I can, if I did anything wrong, okay, I'm at peace with that. You know, if I say something wrong to my mom the other day or whatever, you know. And it's like, okay, I did. So I apologize and you be at peace with yourself. I apologize to yourself and apologize to your mom.

You know, it's just an example. And so, you know, going back to the 40 years ago, you know, having that feeling that sense of peace, It was like an epiphany. It was like a revelation to me. You know, it just hit me. And I became that person from that point on. And I'm talking about being on the floor, destitute. A couple of days later, I get the phone call from Ozzy, from Sharon,

Ozzie the next day that triggered the rest of my life, the journey. It was a change, you know. And I've been accumulating a lot of shit. stuff, material stuff. You know, I made a lot of money. So you do certain things. You buy a lot of stuff and, you know, I got a house full of shit, you know, full of stuff. And I remember during the 80s, it was kind of like, okay, you know, you go on a big tour,

you buy a new house. And then you go back on tour so you can pay for that house. You know, it was like, it was nuts. You know, so it seems like the focus became without. me realizing it that I was not focusing on peace anymore. I was focusing on happiness, the pursuit of happiness. And I got to tell you,

it's never ending. Because if you're not a peace with yourself, you're never going to really be completely happy. And there's always going to be something else that you want. And something else are you going to sacrifice. That's true. It's so weird that I've said this on the podcast since

day one, and Leo testify. this that this will be the first time people really looked inside themselves since maybe high school. Your life has been in such a rush since the summer before college. You got this, that, and you bought it, you bought it. Your counselors, you shouldn't be an editor. You should be a director. Switch majors. And then you get out.

And then you got to find a job. Then you get a job. And there's an apartment. And it never ended. And you meet a girl and you get married. And one day you actually, it's like that David Burns song, you know, how did I get here? That's right.

You know, and that's what happened to me during this breakdown, that it was like, how the fuck did I get here? So I started breaking it into 10-year periods. Like how much has happened the last 10 years? A family, a wife, a kid, touring, you know, riding. dealing with people, and then the 10 years before that, it was surviving, getting off the drugs. You know, it was always a struggle. So now I'm at peace with myself, you know. The last two weeks, the nights have started to bother me. Like, I accepted it for a while, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

But now the last two weeks, nights are starting to bother me. I dread the night because, I'm not going anywhere. It's bad enough. I didn't go nowhere all day. I took a ride. I went to the gym. I went for a bike ride. I took the baby to kickboxing. You know, I drove to camp. But then the nighttime comes, and I got nothing to do.

What do you do? You write comedy? You tell jokes to your fucking mirror. You know, so my wife goes to bed at 9.15. You know, my wife is up at 6. She does paperwork, cleans the house, cooks, the baby. We help out. I mean, she can only take so much, you know. So I'm sitting there at night all alone. And sometimes you sit, you make notes, you write, I'm trying to outline a book, you know.

But the focus isn't even there to write. The focus isn't even there to outline. It's piece by piece, and I got to put it away. I can't even go there right now, you know. So everything else has been at peace with me, all that stuff. It's just a comment. I don't care about the money part of it either. Just the ability that I could go out and tell jokes somewhere.

Do I need 200 people? Nah. I just need eight people just to get what I'm saying and get the fuck out of that. So that's the only piece I have. Everything else I'm at peace with. I know what I want to do. I know I have a plan. For the next 18 months, I have a plan.

I know what I want to do. and I know how I want to do it. And that's it. You know, you just mentioned something that, and I'm listening, I'm listening, and I'm thinking, wow, about the differences and the similarities of what you and I do. You know, we're both entertainers, right?

But there is, even though you're like a tennis player, you're like a singles player. By that I mean is you need that other person behind the net, to bounce the ball right back. Listen, I could do a Zoom show to the cows come home. It would give me no satisfaction to stand there like a dunce. I'm waiting for an arrow to come through the fucking screen. I know if I turned down my screen and I saw some guy with a microphone,

I'd do everything in my power to shoot the missiles off. I know Apple's got missiles. You just got a decode and shit. They got missiles that'll blow you right up. I don't want to see that. I don't want to see that. I wouldn't mind seeing White Snake. at the Wooltern Theater with 25 ticket winners

spread out five feet, eight feet apart with pay-per-view. I would pay for that because I know they're getting some type of energy when they're playing. It's interesting you say that. I'm telling you right now, that's the only way it's going to happen right now.

Very interesting because it does the amount, does the size of the crowd affect your performance? No. No, I could do, I'm from the comedy store. When I first started there, I would get 12 o'clock spots following Paul Mooney. That means that once he got up, 20 people left with him. And I was faced with eight people, and it was a horrible feeling. But then you learn how to, what's the word?

Adapt. Adapt. You start, you, I remember saying to somebody, what the fuck is this? What am I doing in my life? I'm waiting here to one in the morning to go on stage for eight people. He goes, don't do it. Cancel. Put the sign up outside.

See how many people will sign up for that same spot at one in the morning. So I started adapting to eight people. I knew that it wasn't about material. Material is not going to work in front of eight people. Your little set up punchline, it ain't going to work. You're going to open up with that a little bit, but then you have to go into you. Because it's eight people. So it's a different type of stand-up.

It's eight people. It's eight people. So you got to attack them, back off, and then be more you. Your jokes aren't going to work at one in the morning. You know why? Because they've already heard all those topics. So those eight people are energy. Yesterday, if you look at Chuck D's thread,

Chuck D laid a tremendous thing on people. Somebody said to him, why don't you and the prophets of rage do something? And he replied, take a look at this. This is L.A. This was one of the hardest audiences I ever performed in front of. Look at it on YouTube. On YouTube, on a stream, this would just look like a regular night to you.

For us, it was one of the biggest nights of our lives, and it doesn't come through. That's why I don't want to. stream a live concert right now. But I think if we really wanted to entertain people with all the bands that live in L.A., we could contact Live Nation and say, look, go on W&E, whatever the fucking station is, raffle off 25 tickets.

Nobody's making money. There is money. There's money on the paper view. So you could pay the theater off and still the musicians get a little bit of money. Not much. COVID means pay cut in Latin. Go to your Latin.

COVID means pay cut in Latin. This is a pay cut. But I'd rather take a pay cut and do something three times a week that I love than not make any money and sit at home missing what I love. But the clubs won't do that because there's no money in it for them. It doesn't pay for them to put eight people. They made their money from alcohol. They make their money from alcohol.

alcohol. So this is the problem we're running into. You know, we all know that COVID fucking moves quickly. I feel in my world anything over eight to ten people, you've got a problem if they're in a close proximity and extended longevity. You could bump into COVID and walk away from it and whatever. It's when you get on a train and it's circulating in the Yeah, and you're going from Long Island to Manhattan, and you're breathing that air for a fucking hour. You know, a plane ride to Miami, that's five hours. Some motherfuckers got COVID in there.

You're breeding that plane. That's what gives you the vid, is the longevity in that situation. You know, they're talking about offices now. How is it going to work with an N95 mask on in an office, for a year? hours. So they're thinking of cutting the work day and cutting the week day, making three-day weekends.

That don't work for you, Lee. We still work seven days a week, bitch. Well, I was going to ask, you guys are talking about, like, now, what do you guys? When, let's say COVID is over this time, let's say we're talking July, whatever, next year. Is it

even reasonable to ask you guys to travel anymore? Is it reasonable to ask? Like, do you think this is going to turn into a different way of having live events. Do you think something's going to change? Or we're just waiting for it to go away and then go back to the way.

Like, Rudy, would you go out and be on a plane every weekend again? Like, even when this is over? Or do you think, oh, like, now you realize you don't have to? Yeah, we're just big weekends. I mean, what we do is that market. It's more of the classic rock.

It's not the bands from the 80s. You know, I'm in a band that first came out. of the 60s. We're there with the platters and the you know and the adventures and all those bands, you know,

the band, the guys who had the first hit in 1965, you know, so it's it's, it's that audience you know, that comes to see us, you know, a lot of casinos. We've done a couple of ships, you know,

which I don't see, and we were booked for, for next year to be on a couple of ships again. And I don't know. It all depends if there's a vaccine available in the very near future. I only hear any news about that. I hear rumblings of like they're testing going on. Right.

There's a ton of testing. Now, do you want to be one of the first people that gets that vaccine? You know, I am not even one of the first people that go back to the gym because I haven't. So I can't really say, you know, I'll let it. I don't know. I mean, once the FDA approves it, unless there's some malicious intent, to, like, let's say, let's speed up the process for whatever reason. No, it has to go through the proper channels, you know, enough testing.

Okay, and that gets approved to the next level and next level, then, you know, when we're at the level that is human, it's humanly safe. Yeah, I'll take it. I'm being optimistic. I'm going for next April. I think my next spring will be okay. I think if... Same format, same everything.

It's not going to change at all? No, there's going to be changes. There's definitely going to be changes. And by that time, everybody... If they're not opening up Broadway till January... By the way, rest in peace, Nick Cordero. That was a shame. That poor kid, he lost his fucking leg, you know.

all from COVID, you know, an actor on Broadway, but they're closing Broadway till January. So that means they open up January 1st and they're going to start rehearsing. Look what's going on with the sport leagues already. They're already having problems in those bubbles and those training facilities. It's too many people put together. I think once you put 20 people in there, you really got a problem. They want to play football. That's 11 guys on each side.

That's 22 guys on a field at one time plus the three or four zebras. You know, that's a lot of contact. Four downs. Baseball's a little bit more spread out, but you still got people in the dugout. Baseball might work. You know, I'm hoping it all works. I want the country to go back to work, but I don't want another 100,000 people dying. You know, me and Lee were joking around the other day.

and it's a joke, but it's very sad that after this, somebody's going to do the FaceTime Chronicles. They're going to do a whole movie about people dying on FaceTime, you know, throwing up gang signals as they're dying. Like, you know, how many people died on Facebook in front of their children this year? How many loved ones can we, we can't do this? So that's what I'm looking at. First off, I don't trust the promoters or their locations either.

they have to switch it up. I'm sorry. You got to lose some money. I'm fucking sorry. You got to have one person to deal with us, right? When you go to a casino, how many people come in to talk to you while you're in the back? Oh, yeah.

Ten people. The chief, his cousin, the horse trainer, the entertainment director, the waitress, you know, all that needs to get cut down to one. Every club has to have a COVID agent. So as soon as you walk in the green room, they take your temperature, they take their own temperature, special security to walk out to the stage. There's no more headshots. There's no more greet, meet and greets. If you're selling merch, I don't know what you're going to do.

You're going to have to have somebody out there selling the merch for you with 10 masks on. And, you know, there's just so many things. I mean, let's be honest. I'm excited. I'm going to see my brother, Rudy. play. I'm fucking psyched. Yes, I'm smoking dope. I got some

fucking edibles. Rudy got me special tickets, third row orchestra. I go, I sit down. The opening act comes on. Bubba and his five fucking fat brothers. They do a harmonica. They do four songs. They get off. Now we're

waiting for Rudy and whoever the fuck it is, the gun, the fucking white snake reunion, whatever it is. And all sudden the guy that's built like me, a fat fuck goes, how much am I going to enjoy Rudy's show after that? And every 20 minutes, without smoking reef, and the guy goes, in between every song the guy calls,

how long is it going to take before I look at the guy and go, go fuck yourself, and turn around and leave. How long is it going to take you? Yep. You know, right now we're experiencing, I remember growing up in the 80s, the worst thing you could cash you. I'm talking about the early 80s and 70s, but it's like gonorrhea, the clap, right?

By the end of that decade, it was AIDS. The clap didn't kill you unless, you know, let's say if you never treated, it can go to your brain and kill you, of course. But AIDS will definitely kill you, especially back in 88, 89, right? And now we're going through the same thing. You know, people used to say, oh, yeah, it's the flu. Well, yeah, people did die from the flu. But this thing, it's at a whole different level,

completely different level. Remember when you got gonorrhea? You had that yogurt come out of your dick. It was like soft served and had a weird smell to it, but you didn't give a fuck. You just wash your dick off, put on underwear as and put on some panty liners. Fuck it.

I don't think Rudy ever got good. And when you went to the doctor, you got to the doctor, whenever you went to the doctor. Listen, I played in Germany. I swear to God. I never caught gonorrhea. And you know what saved me? I went to a friend of mine caught the clap.

Same thing. And he had to go to a clinic, and he asked me to go with him. And when we went, there was a guy sitting there with like a fucking man-a-lomanchus scar on his mouth. He must have to suck somebody's dick, and it had hurt on it. And he had like a thing all around his mouth. And right there I learned, I'm going to keep my hands to myself. You know what I'm saying?

There's some bad onions out there. You can't be eating everybody's fucking monkey. You know what I'm saying? Especially. I tell you, one of the greatest things about, you know, being on tour with Ozzy is that he,

he liked to mentor, mentor you know. He mentored Randy for a while. And then I guess when I joined the band, I was like the new, the guy who had never been done anything. So let me mentor Rudy here. And one of these very first words of wisdom was

if you want to be a rock, You got to catch every disease that's out there. Like I told me, you know, you're a comedian. You got to catch everything. Yeah. I don't think it doesn't look like he followed his advice. Oh, what was that? I couldn't hear you.

It doesn't look like you followed his advice at all. It looks like you're healthy. You're the, you're the, you're really, like you're a rock star, but you're, I don't, I don't know how you lived in L.A. You're the healthiest guy. You have a long marriage. You're in your 70s and your mama's still alive. You have the best karma of anyone I've ever met. You're like an angel.

I'm like an angel on earth. You know, well, I'm blessed. I'm blessed. But I got to tell you, the reason why I'm still here in L.A. is because just a couple of things. First of all, my wife was born and raised here, so it's very hard for her to leave. And when I arrive here in the 70s, I was reborn.

It was like I have a connection with this. city and it's not the way that the city the structures there's the there's this there's a frequency on on the in this city that really resonated with me you know i've been to certain places in the world and there's frequencies like if you go to red square red square in moscow right you're that big red square where they did all the uh you know right in front of the of what is the the stanlingrad or whatever you know and the st peter's basilica there's a square and that's where they had they had all of the what is it may day mayday mayday parades with the tanks and the artillery and there's an energy

not necessarily a good energy but definitely a very strong energy center right there l a to me especially low canyon going right into the city you know into Hollywood that's an incredible energy that it It doesn't make my body vibrate any other place, but here, this is why I remain here. I don't know if it's, if you guys know anything I'm talking about. You know, for me, I've always said, I feel that way about the comedy store. That there's like a light that goes right from heaven to the comedy store. When you walk in there, but the rainbow has the same feeling. Their rainbow, yes.

There's certain places. that you belong there you know i think it's the ghost the ghost the energy yes the ghost there you know it's so weird that i would move here from here tomorrow if i could you know i don't have anywhere to go i don't know where to go we have ideas i know that's the problem i would miss it i think i would miss it a lot you know i would have to go somewhere where again the energy yeah i want more of a I live in the valley because I like the community style of it, but it's really not a community. It's just a bunch of houses put together. Yeah, exactly.

I'm sick of that. You know, I want to know the neighbor on the corner. I want to know the neighbor on the other corner. I want to know his name. You know what I'm saying? This, I know the neighbor next to me. Everybody else is fucking, you know, and I've knocked on doors, introduced myself, giving away free masks. It's not a community.

It's not really a community. That's what these, all this has come to me, that I want to go back to a community. You know, I was watching do the right thing the other night with Spike Lee and all those guys. Spike Lee plays a pizza delivery guy in Brooklyn that does his deliveries on foot. So what does that tell you that the people that order pizza from there are from that community? They're from two, how far is the delivery, two, three blocks, the most? eat when you watch that movie you see what a sense of a community is we have a liquor store we have this we don't have that here there's no loyalty here and businesses it's kind of weird you know when this all went down the first thing

I said was I'm going to support local businesses I know what it is to own a business and I know it is to lose a business but I found that the businesses weren't doing it right you know if I walk into your restaurant the door's closed I ain't walking in there You got to get some ventilation in that motherfucker. You got six guys sweating over food with masks on. So you try. You try. But to go back to what you were saying, yeah, I don't.

They did a survey again about 10 days ago. We're still at 6040 of people feeling comfortable to go to outdoor events, like stadiums, baseball games, concerts. We're still at 60, 40. and even if that goes 10% each way, you're still 50-50 or 70-30, which is still not good for our field, for what we do.

People would they do the survey, and 50 people out of 100 said they would go, they wouldn't go to a game or a concert right now. So the state of mind is even fucked up. Plus, on top of that, you want to tell what the top thing is, Rudy? It's not the COVID. It's not the state of mind. It's the social consciousness.

People are in bad positions right now. People aren't loving no more. The love has been removed from their heart, and I'm not mad at them. Love was removed from my heart when I was a young man. They've taken away your livelihood. They've taken away some of your freedoms. The check you're supposed to get to $1,200. You never got it in the mail.

Guess what? Did you read the New York Times article in the paper Sunday? What's going on in New York with the eviction? they're not fucking around. All that shit they told you about waiving evictions, you don't have to pay the rent. Go to New York and ask them what's going on in New York. They're going to be homeless.

And nobody's going to stick up for them. This was all bullshit. This was all bullshit. I told you that. Lee said it. That member of Scott Ketty, whatever his name is, Mayor Skarketti, Los Angeles,

you know, your rents will be waived. Ask Lee. The first day of April, they put a note on his door with the fucking shelters in the area. His landlord put a fucking note on his door. The rent is due. If not, these are the local shelters in the area. I thought fucking he put a rent memorandum that if you didn't have to pay rent.

I know 20 people that have told me that's bullshit. I know people had to live, move out of their apartments, and move into their places of business because they had to make a choice. So right now, people are having a hard time. Like I said, taxes are doing 10. And unemployment wears out in 26 days. Wait till we see how many people got shot over the weekend? From the 4th of July to last night at 7 in New York, 40 fucking people got shot.

So be very careful, Rudy. If somebody cut you off, telling me you love them. Don't take offense. I'm not driving, so. you're not driving? I don't know. Just to the supermarket? Unless I go to Home Depot.

Okay. You and that fucking Home Depot. I don't know what is it, you motherfuckers. My buddy next door, he's at Home Depot eight times a day. He knocks on my door once a day. Joe, you wouldn't have to have one of these screws. What makes you think? I even got a fucking screw in my house.

I look like a Johnny screwdriver. Rudy, I love you. I love you. What's the station? When can they hear you? Oh, yeah. Monaster Rock Radio on the Dash Network. It's on various times, but definitely for sure.

2 p.m. on Fridays. And this next week on Friday, I have Rick Nielsen from Cheap Trick. Great conversation. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Cheap Trick's got their own serious station. Oh, yeah, they do. I was on last night.

I heard them do something from live. in Buda Khan. Yeah. It was pretty interesting. Yeah, he was really interesting. Yeah, he was DJing it. And then it would be played again on Sunday at 4 p.m. But that's like the anchor date and time.

Sundays of 4 p.m. Pacific Daylight time or PSDP, STP, whatever. Fuck them. I love you. Hopefully I'll see you soon for some popularinas at Portos. I am porto. Take care of yourself, give you a wife a kiss. Thank you, everybody.

Have a great week. Thank you, brother. God bless. Bye-bye. All right, you bad motherfuckers. I want to thank Rudy for coming on, man. He's a good dude. 70 years old.

Been rocking for a long time. I give him all the props in the world. Another guy that inspires the fuck out of me when I talk to him because he's always doing something. Every time I call his house, what's going on? I'm planting a fucking tree. What's the thing? Staying a house.

house planting a tree. He's always fucking those old times. But no, Rudy's a good fucking man. But listen, again, like I was telling you the beginning of the show, the most important thing there is this quarantine is just try to take care of yourself a little bit. Just do something

less. Add less salt to your food, you know, walk an extra block. Do something. I mean, I fucking, I'm losing my mind. If it wasn't for the podcast and me communicating with you guys on Facebook and on Twitter, I'd be done right now.

I swear to God, nights for me are fucking harder than ever. The first three months, it was like nothing. Lately, it's been harder than ever. And listen, people like, well, go to San Diego and do a spot. Both clubs are open. Here's the problem. You ever do a line of Coke, and then the guy leaves? You ever go somewhere, and a guy shows up, gives you a great line of Coke,

and then he leaves. And you're like, what happened to him? And you're out in, like, the fucking desert. Nobody's got Coke. Now you're sitting there and you're coming down hard off a fucking line that would have killed the meal. That's what will happen to me if I go do comedy right now. I don't just want to do comedy to do it and for it to be over with. La Jolla, they're doing great.

I think they got it down to 60 people. And the American Comedy Club is 100 people. I can live with that. That's like 40% capacity. That's plenty of social distancing. And I'm not going to do a long show because this stuff. you get COVID from sitting inside long periods of time. Inside, you know, with no ventilation weight

to those comedy clubs are fucking I-end filters. They're lucky you get fucking air in those things, you know what I'm saying? They're lucky if you get fucking air in those things. So that's the only way I'm doing it. I mean, there's a lot of things going on. My heart goes out to Brendan and Brian. I've checked in with both of them. Brian is feeling a little, it's fluish condition.

You know, they're both strong guys. I know they both make it out of this. It's just a bump in the road. But we just got to be careful, guys. We as the church, listen, we're all savages. You know me. I oppose fucking communism with my fucking heart. I hate all that type of shit.

But at this time right now, we just got to do a couple things and keep it simple. And those things are, listen, you see eight people. Eight's the magic number. Get the fuck out of that. Eight's a bad number right now. Tomorrow, today's the eighth bad number. Eight to ten people, that's how it starts. You know, that's how it starts indoors.

You know, don't listen to me. I don't give a fuck what you do. I'm just trying to tell you that I care about you guys. And there's just a couple of things, you know, washing your hands. Take two showers. You know what I'm saying? I'd rather you be over-cautious than, you know, we don't know. what we're dealing with.

Do you think I believe this is a virus? Well, nobody gets the flu in the summer. So do I believe? I don't believe nothing. All I know is that you got to avoid people. You got to fucking wash your hands. You got to wear a mask. You know, and you know what, man?

You see a lot of people. I know you, half of us are losing our minds. You want me to lie to you and tell you that. This Fourth of July was the best Fourth of July ever had in my life. Is that what you really want me to tell? You know, it's suck dick. It sucked dick. You know, because we didn't have the freedom to go to the beach like we usually do.

We didn't have the... I didn't complain. I didn't force it. I didn't push the hand. I understand that I have a family. What if my wife contracts this fucking thing? And something happens to her. You think I'm qualified to fucking raise a seven-year-old by myself?

Are you fucking retarded, guys? Are you fucking retarded? I mean, I could do a couple things okay. but I can't raise no seven-year-old by myself, and I wouldn't want my wife to be stuck in the burden. Not that nobody's going to die, but we're not young people no more. You guys are young.

You guys have the opportunity to set an example, man. Put the fucking mask on. Who gives a fuck? Put a fucking mask on that says, suck my dick. I don't give a fuck. I wouldn't be mad of you. I'm insulted, too. You know how hard it is to walk fucking two blocks for the mask on?

You know how hard it is to ride a bike past 20 minutes with a fucking mask on? You start getting dizzy and snots come out of your nose and shit. I got to throw those masks away every time I go for a bike ride. I'd have cut down on my bike rides. I'm just going to say, you guys have heard me get bronchitis over the years. If you think breathing in a mask is hard, try breathing with bronchitis. And I've heard this is way worse. Trust me, you'll be begging for a mask if you get this.

That's just what I heard. Yeah, so please take care of you. Drink water vitamin D is big demand you know be a good friend to yourself like the guy told Tony Soprano be that those those words have resonated with me for a long time be a good friend to yourself It's it's it's so real you know listen guys this shit I want to do all the fucking time you know I haven't been to cactus number three no no I have not broken down you look at me do I look like the type of motherfucker that misses a bean, a bean and cheese burrito with fucking guacamole in there and some fucking salsa on top of it.

That's my world, guys. That's my fucking cheat day. That's my Sunday when I fucking got 44 points left over. I go to fucking down there and I get it. During the week I get the vegan salad. I haven't been in there. I just, because you scared me, everybody was like, you know, every time I go buy there is only three people. but it's just something about it.

They trapped it in now. I like it when it's open. So I'm like you guys. I'm not scared of anything, but I do respect things. There's things you got to respect whether you want to or not. Respect us. If not for yourself, for your uncle fucking Joey, okay?

For old people like me that we've been smoking dope for 27 years. You motherfuckers come along now and fucking get weed in a weed store. I was smoking weed. when you had to go into the jungle to get a fucking bag of dope. You know what I'm saying? When you had to go deep, deep, deep into the fucking murky waters of the underworld.

Now we're getting dope everywhere. It's like being gay now. It ain't no big deal. I wish you would have seen gays in the 70s. They had to walk around with capes and a backpack. You know, nobody can see him. That's because the guys that I hung out with, Martin the Fag.

They took the beatings. So these gay guys could jump up and down today and have parades and go to, you see them on Fire Island, jumping up and down. They had a party. 90 gay guys jumping up and down. It was just instant fucking vid meets the hips.

You know, I don't wish nothing bad on nobody, but you can't put 90 guys together. If you think what came out of Wuhan is dangerous, wait, do you see what comes out of fucking Fire Island and shit by the end of the summer? I love you, motherfucker. Listen, the most important thing about this time is, if you don't have a sense of humor,

about yourself. If you're not going to laugh about yourself, kill yourself now because it's not going to work out for you. Trust what I'm telling you. You've got to find the humor in things right now. I'm talking about it as you're getting evicted and you're putting your fucking lawn chair in the fucking station wagon. You got to look at the landline go, we did a good run.

You know what I'm saying? Go to the bathroom. Look at the piece of shit I left here and there, cock sucker. I painted the walls. But go see the dead stick I left you in there. If you don't have a sense of humor about yourself, you're not going to make it doing these trying times. Learn to laugh at yourself.

I laugh at myself all fucking day. One last story, okay? My daughter goes on this program called Legerjinga. I don't know what the fuck it is, guys. It teaches you how to speak Spanish. Did I tell you about this? I don't think so. Guys, you don't understand.

So about two, three years ago, I go on the Rogan show with you all Romero. Guys, I got blasted by Spanish people. blasted, I mean, just tormented about my Spanish. That my Spanish is horrific. I don't know how to speak Spanish, which I don't. Number one, I speak Cuban Spanish. Okay?

When I was in high school, for one week, I took Spanish, and I was like, I'm not doing this. This is too confusing. You thought it's going to be easy? I'm Spanish, and I don't get this shit. I'm not doing it, so I switched to Italian. I had Mr. Pomazano. He had one high higher than the other one hilarious.

Bad skin, we used to torment him. He used to say, Bonjourno, senor, professor. And we tell him, go fuck yourself. Teacher, will you? Who said that? He was kind of crazy. He was in a same suit every day.

Anyway, so my daughter comes to me. My wife says, you know, Mercy's learning Spanish on her own. She wants to surprise you. So I go, no shit. So one night she's like, Dad, look, I'm playing Lalinga, whatever the fuck the name of the game is.

And do you want to have? help me. And I go, yeah, so she's up to like level 18 on her own. She's climbed up all these fucking barriers on her own because they give them like point selections or whatever the fuck. You know what I'm saying? So she's gotten up to like level 16 or level 18. I don't fucking know. So she sits next to me. I turn the TV off. She asked my three or four questions. Anyway, to be honest, she asked me three questions and I went over three. And she went down to like level 11. And she got up and she was so pissed at me.

She's like, how can you be Spanish and get three questions wrong, dad? That doesn't make sense. Dad, now I'm level 11. She just marched to her fucking room, furious. So her mother asked her yesterday. You got a problem with it. Go ask you a dad. She's like, what are you fucking nuts?

Last time I asked that loser for the Spanish questions, I went 0 and 3. I'm never going to ask him about Spanish. Dad doesn't talk that type of Spanish. So that's my fuck-up for the week. I made my daughter go down like four levels in Spanish because I don't know the difference between Como or something else. I don't fucking know. I know a couple words.

I know how to get by and I know how to save my ass. I know how to make you laugh. I know how to make me laugh in Spanish. And that's the only thing that matters. So for the next couple days, listen, I know it's a trying time. Taxes are done. unemployment's done in two or three weeks you don't have

you don't need to have anything to have a sense of humor please keep your sense of humor because at the end of the day that's all you have it's more than money what good is having money if you don't fucking laugh you know what I laugh at myself every day because I'm a fucking retard and I enjoy it my sense of humor is tremendous

because I laugh at myself so please take it easy don't shoot nobody don't get shot because it's shooting season out there. 44 people got shot in New York. 70s in Chicago. What are they giving out fucking guns on Chicago? What are they doing in these fucking cities?

I love Chicago. I taped my special in your city. I did the theater. I loved that fucking city with all my heart. What are you doing out there? You guys took cops and robbers to a different level. You're just shooting on each other now. But anyway, all no jokes.

I want to say a prayer for the country. And say a prayer for the church family And also for my man, Sergio Ortega, who's going through a hard time. Like I said, if you're not his friend on Facebook, friend him, send him a message, strong from church love. And that's it and that's that. Me and Lee will be back one night this weekend to do a fucking Instagram live, to rock your fucking world.

Maybe I'll talk Lee into lighten himself on fire or something since we're on edible sabbatical this week. We had some problems. I had some problems. So we said, fuck it. We might as well go back to being normal again. But anyway, the church is brought to you by CBD Lion. Listen, when it comes to CBD, CBD Lion is the way to go.

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Church, C-H-U-R-C-H, get 10% off delivered to your house. I want to thank Rudy. I want to thank you motherfuckers. Don't forget Rudy's show. I forget he mentioned it on there when it's on. It's not. Listen, that's a true musician with True Chops, and I'm proud to call my brother

and part of the church family. So I want to thank Rudy. I want to thank you guys again. My heart to the Otegas and Sergio, get the roller skating, cock sucker. I heard roller skating with four toes is better than roller skate with five sometimes. Anyway, I love you guys.

Thank you for listening to the church dates. I'm doing Brea. It just depends when the fuck they're opening it. I'll keep you guys updated. Kick this, Smule. Have a great week. I'll see you guys either night on Instagram live. Do it, motherfucker.