The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #803 - Vicki Barbolak

Episode Date: July 13, 2020

Vicki Barbolak, a stand up comedian who made it into the Top 10 Finals of America's Got Talent, and the host of the "Big Girls Don't Cry" podcast, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt LIVE in studio! This podcast is brought to you by:   Stamps.com -  Use code JOEY for a 4 week trial which includes postage and a digital scale. Go to Stamps.com, click on the Radio Microphone at the top of the homepage and type in church.   CBD Lion - For all of your CBD needs, from shatter to gummies go to CBDLion.com and use code CHURCH for 20% off. 

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Oh shit. It all starts fucking to that direction. No more fucking excuse. This is the year of the fucking soldier. We're going in like fucking Marines. Welcome to church Motherfucker It's a beautiful day to be alive

Monday Whatever happened last week Tell them to go fuck themselves This a whole new week Get unemployment on the phone They still ain't picking up Vicki Barbolack What's happening you bad bitch? Talk to me

I need some of that tape You have any of that CBD tape That they sell there at the lion I have it but I do not have it here I'm starting to play tennis again Thursday With my girls If you would have told me I would have brought you some

Because I love that idea. So I'll just get it 20% off. Seriously, I'm going to get it right off because that sounds like a brilliant idea to me. People who don't know Vicki Bar Black, she's number one, a dear friend of mine. We go back 20 years. Number two, she was a finalist

and America's got talent. Yeah. And number three, if you want to get married, she'll fucking marry you. That's right. I'll marry you personally. She's got her own motherfucking church. What's the name of it?

It's called Wedding Chapel to Go. Wedding Chapel to Go. Wedding. Yeah, Lou and I got a van. We wrapped it in Leopard and we can go anywhere and married people, tiny little weddings, or I can zoom wedding right now. I could zoom anybody all across the country. Vicki.

I don't even have to be there, which is a pity. Where the fuck are the years gone, Vick? So fast, Joe, you look really, you filled up your life with all this great stuff. Me too. It's been fast. It's been fun. Nobody gave us shit, Becky. You and I are the two poster childs for working.

Not given. until they gave us something. I remember one time I was sitting at a table read with you, and I was at a tall building with a beautiful view, and you said, you know, Babelag, it's not the shows. It's the Greyhound bus you take to the shows. And that has been like my favorite thing that's always been in my head, right? It's the truth, yeah.

Because it's always, it's the stuff around the shows. How much fun did we have in La Jolla? So much fun. It was so much fun. In fact, we should go back and do an alley show there. So what I hear next weekend, they're going to start doing shows in the alley in that piss-filled alley. Oh, my God. Can you imagine?

Okay, they put the bathrooms in the store now. So there's a four-seater, two-four-seaters. So people have been pissing less and less, plus it's been closed for three years. So the smell is probably not too bad, but I think we should do it. I mean, you know, I don't mind. It's just put some pot around and we probably won't even smell it at all. If that's a huge parking lot back there, they would allow us to use the park lot. No, not the vans.

No, they would never. It's the alley. It's the fuck the alley How many people are you going to put in here? 40. That's not bad. I could do it. I could work with that.

We love it. I could work with that. Outside, I can work with that. They're like, there's no money. I'm like, I don't care. There's no need to be money. COVID means no pay in Latin. I don't want to get paid.

Get it through your fucking head. I ever get my fucking unemployment. I don't want to screw that up like it's ever going to happen. But, you know, so I think it would be fun. We should do it. What made you start comedy, Rick? I just, I literally was in the bathroom and there was a, there was a,

can in my bathroom and it said comedy class Sandy Shore Polly's sister teaches comedy picked it up out of the trash can and I said I'm gonna take a comedy class and I was 40 and I'm like I had no idea I only been in one comedy club in my life the comedy store Hollywood one time and I just never thought of anything just just had an inkling that I should do this because I was always trying to make people laugh because I was a fat kid so anyway that's what I did and I walked in and Sandy had just a translated an alien dictionary because she'd been

adducted on a ship for about a year right before that. So I knew I'd found a home. But she was really good to me. She said, she said, you're a special gift. And nobody ever said anything nice to me about anything I ever did. So I'm always grateful to her for that.

How long was the class? It was, oh, it was like nine weeks. I remember Bobby Lee was in the, in the, in the, you know, back then, if you took Sandy's class, even forever, you were an asshole. So people in that class was looked upon as an asshole. But I'm still glad that that's what I did because the guys in that room were really, they become really good friends of mine.

And I wouldn't have known that there was, I didn't know about open mic. How long do we go back with Bobby Lee? Yeah. Right. He was walking around quiet when we met him. He was like, he showed up. He showed up. Yeah, he was still bowing when we met him and shit.

He didn't fucking know. He was bowing when he walked into the comedy club. Like Lee, you don't have to fucking bother. I'm worried about nothing, Bobby Lee. You know, we saw him blow up. I still talk to Shamer from time of time. Yes, yes, yes. I still talk to, you know, there was just so many great people down there.

You know, and I was going down there when I was snorting kilos. Yeah. And I would walk in and go, Lou, what's the story? And he'd go, guys, that's the bartender. And I'd tell the bartender, make the call right before I went up on stage for the first show. And when I walked off, the fucking package was there. It was like, you can't really. You know, both places were madness.

Yeah. But the madness was different at both places. Yeah. What about the night? Lou remembers this. I get down there and Lou says to me, Joey, we got a call. There's some people.

They're going to come hurt you. Oh, yeah. Do you remember that? Fizz, all that shit. And I was like, no worries. I took all the balls off the pool table. I put them in my pockets and I put them in strategic places around La Jolla.

I got a big kitchen knife from the redhead And I planted it upside down in the plant outside I was gonna cut these motherfuckers I took all the pool sticks and I took them out so in case they came in There was pool sticks I only knew where they were So I could hit them I set this shit up Like fucking Rambo you understand like right right now my house is so booby-trapped I upgraded the alarm

And there's certain things that you're gonna go for Because I'm a thief So I know the out so I walked around my house with the fucking alarm guy and he learned an hour like he was like I need to hang out more with here I go this vent here I want a camera on there and a fucking sensor on there Why because I would go through these all the time this is easy This is easy and if you got a kilo of coke I'll get a sledgehammer and sledge do little sledges like this for fucking two hours from underneath So I know how to so I I prepped this La Jolla

Comedy store up Like I was going to war I took a couple knives And I put them around In case I had to throw them I mean I was out of my mind Is this why they don't have a pool table Anymore?

It was in a pool table It was a bumper pool table Right Okay That is why they don't have I was gonna say I don't remember Joey never returned the balls

I had those balls everywhere And I had a hooded sweatsh And I had a ball in each pocket I was fucking going Big that night Because there was like three or four of them It was him And now we're dear friends

Now me and Phiz and dear friends I don't know if he's He's still doing comedy. The other guy disappeared who was really brilliant. The other kid was going to be a really good comic. He had the mind of a great comic. I don't know what happened to him. Drugs, abuse, something happened to him.

They were nice kids. They got mad at me because I told him not to touch the microphone at the comedy store. I go, don't touch it because the wire's going to break. Sure enough, the guy goes up there and takes it like a gorilla. The wire breaks. Now we've got to do a 20-minute interval during a fucking three-minute show for open micers. really? Because you didn't want to be a polite open fucking micah. We told you not to touch the fucking microphone.

Then he went outside and started getting loud with me. We pushed each other. Then he started threatening me and calling me. And I get to Ohio one night and everybody's like, listen, bro, he's coming by. I got this handle. Man. I don't know who was featuring for me. I don't remember who the fuck it was.

And I was sitting outside in between shows. And I heard them. They were in the car. I'm sitting in a little booth across. from the Chinese sushi restaurant. I don't know what's there now. Another Chinese sushi restaurant. Okay, because the last time I went,

I went to the Brazilian Jitsu School next door. Oh, yeah, right, right. Rada. He's great. He's great. He's great. He still emails me. He's a great man. In La Jolla, I forget what a raddin

or something like that right now. He's a great teacher. He showed me sign control. He was great. So I'm sitting out there. I'm waiting for these jerkos. I look up, Vicki, and I see them making the left on to

La Jolla, you know, in front of La Jolla. And I step up behind the plant, I got the knife in case I got to throw it. They had the water pistol. They showed up to a fucking gangster's house with water pistols. So as they were going to pull the water pistols out, I took the fucking white ball,

and I just flung it at their car. And it sounded like a bomb went off. It went, boom. They had like a key, it almost tipped it over. They had like one of those sheep, Japanese cars that almost dipped it over. Total day. And they flew off within 20 minutes fucking Tommy

was calling me. The cops just called me. What's going on? I go they can't show it the fuck with me and this is what happens. Never again did they bother me. Just that noise. They thought a bomb had gone off. They took off. They burned rubber after that. That's

so funny. You know when I see you, I think of Maryland. Yeah, me too. I think of Maryland once a week. Since I talked to you the other day, And I thought I was doing a British podcast the other day, and they were saying, what happens if you don't, this is a sad part? I just shouldn't, but what happens do you don't have health insurance in America? I go, well, they put you in a fucking closet. And they say goodbye.

You know, I just remember how much it would have been great if we could have, if Maryland could have had good health care. And it was so awful. But she was the best, funniest, most wonderful. I would be at a light with her. people would be crossing in front of us and she'd go, Vicky, does he look like the kind of guy that would twist your nipples? Doesn't he look like the kind of guy

that would twist your nipples, Vicki? I'm like, yeah, man, he so does. Yeah, I love that. I mean, I love it too. You know, I just, I'll miss her soul. She used to do phone sex. Oh, phone sex! With her giant slurpee.

She was... My twisties. She had a cat. And I would call her, and she'd be doing phone sex. and she go hold down one second and we talk for a minute and she's like hold on I'm gonna suck your dick

you like it like meiko you like Chinese women all right Joey yeah we'll go to Ventura ooh you still there suck it suck it play with it did you come yet

and you're hearing this on the phone and she'd be making suck sounds out of a giant 64 ounce slurpee and then she'd ship the slurpy she here it was it was it was an experience when

she died, a little piece of me went on the comedy store. That was one of the other reasons why I stopped going to the comedy store because she always told me about the store how it was. Like she really, I met her at the Laugh Factory for the Latino Laugh Festival Showcase. I wasn't even living here

and she approached me and she goes, Mitzi, see you yet? And I'm like, no, she's like, that's your first stop after here. Yeah. And she goes, hold on, she might not be there tonight. It's Wednesday night. Wait till you come down next time I walk you into Mitzie's. Mitzie needs to see you. Awesome.

And Marilyn was also the first person ever to call me out of my drug use. And when she called me out on it, I was done with the drug a week later. Wow. And that was 13 years ago. She's been dead 13 years. Yeah, it's hard to believe.

She died November 3rd, Rick Ramo's birthday. November 3rd, 19, 2007. Yeah. I quit Coke maybe a week after. Oh. Because of how. No, it was a little, she died November, whatever, but a month before that, she got the cancer in April.

Yeah. And they brought her home in August because they knew, yeah. What are we going to have her here for? It's no good. So they were having little parties for her. Yeah. And I would go on Sundays.

And one Sunday, it was just me and her. And she was telling me that when she was going to be. beat this disease. She had to talk with God, and she wasn't going to curse on stage anymore. Oh. She goes, I'm not going to curse on stage anymore, because God doesn't want me to do this. If he beats this cancer, I'm not cursing on stage no more. And that same breath, like, she was like, you know, like when somebody's struggling to talk and breathe, she's like, I'd get over this. I told God I won't curse on stage no more. And she looked at me, and she goes, I'm going God wants you to stop doing coke, Joey.

Wow. You have to stop. You have to take care of yourself. You don't want to be where I am right now. And everything sunk. Yeah. Because I knew this was it. I knew she loved me.

Right. This wasn't some fucking fake counselor. This wasn't a guy at the improv that wants to be cool and do an intervention. This was coming from a place of love. If there was anybody else, I would have smacked him at that time. I was feeling. And I looked at it and I said, you're right. I think it's time to make.

do something with God. You know, I think that is absolutely true that she knew that and she wanted you to know that. The other part, though, it makes me sad because, you know, I feel like she was always so brilliant, but she was so much ahead of her time. And people kept telling her not to swear, not to be body, you know, not to be like, you know, you're too dirty. And it was like they were shaming her constantly, shaming her, shaming her, shaming her. But she knew in her heart that that was not bad.

It was good. What she was doing was very good. That's why I went after that producer. And that fucking producer. Because I shamed, he shamed her and me. He shamed her, God damn you. He shamed us a lot. And then he came around.

Yeah. And he tried to help Marilyn out. But he was given a, you know, like nothing compared to what the guy was really making. But to hear that she internalized that so much that on her, you know, bargaining days with God, that she bargained that, you know, that she took their side against her own self. That's how much indoctrination she got from the industry, not just him, but from everybody. Mitzi never shut her down, but everyone else did. You're not going to get on this showcase over and over again. And because she was so much ahead of her time.

That's all what she did then is being done now on a fucking every show. I'm going to tell you a very sad story. I've never told anybody this. Marilyn wasn't the best looking woman in the world, but she had a great heart. She looked like a little child, a doll, Indian doll. Like an Indian doll. She was chubby, and she wore it well. She was proud of it.

Before I was giggling, I was thinking of her joke. I like all you guys that walk around with muscles. Bench press me, motherfuckers. Yeah. I mean, she said, let me sit on your face. Try to get me off your face. Let's see how strong you really are. You bench 200 pounds.

Bench press me. Like, she, I forget what time. You remember what she would do, the Home Depot joke? Would she go, I want a few. what it's like to have me lift up in the shower. So I hired like three guys from Home Depot. Lift me up. Lick mine, lick me.

So when she was sick, Betsy Salkhan and I decided, instead of bringing her flowers, we'd each chip in 40 bucks, we got a guy from Home Depot. So we bring this guy to the hospital, and she was in in Los Angeles. Now we realize that all these people are taking these, like, people from Home Depot and getting their organs. So now we're bringing this guy from Home Depot over to the hospital. And we're trying to say in English to him, his name was Onario. We're going, oh, Lario, we're not going to take your organs.

Our friend is sick. She has this joke about men from Home Depot. So we're taking you for our friend, but we're not going to take your organs. We're trying to convince him that. So he doesn't really know what's going on, but he's such a doll. And he comes up to the hospital and he's so beautiful and lovely. He gets in bed with her and lays there and they talk. And it was fantastic.

But it was just like we were so worried. He thought we were going to take his organs. I was with her one night. It was a Sunday night. she was rocking in those days. She really had the store down. It's a gift once you have the store down. It takes a couple of years.

You know, you do well on the road. And to get the store down is a different story. They had her at the right spot before Brian Holtzman, behind me, you know, I would hug her. Get the fuck out of here, cock like her. She would say shit to me. And then one night we were there. And this is when I think she broke.

This is why I'm giving this to Young Comics as a piece of advice. We were sitting there and Lisa Lampinelli was on stage. At the time, nobody knew Lisa was, but she was in there with her, whoever was pushing her in the beginning. I love Lisa Lampinelli. I mean, I have no, I'm just telling you what I saw on stage that night. Lisa was heavy. She had on like men's pants, like a sloppy white shirt.

shirt. She was big. If you see Lisa now, and Lisa 10 years, it was different than the Lisa that walked into the comedy store. And Lisa was up on stage, and, you know, there was, like, film people there, and, you know, half of Hollywood was there

on a Sunday night to see Lisa Lampinelli. Nobody knew who it was. It was like a showcase. Her agent, the manager, set up, and Marilyn looked at me, and she goes, that's the shit I've been doing for the last 10 years. And nobody talks to me.

Mm-hmm. And I remember taking her outside and going, listen, man, doesn't really matter. You are, you are, but she goes, you see, they don't fucking like me. Like, that was one of the times she felt very disliked. And she was right. Yeah.

She goes, Lisa and Apennelianne's up there talking about black dick and doing this and that. I've been doing, she was talking about, she's just a sub- Filipino dick. Yeah. Because it was small, Chinese dick. Pickles. It was like, it was a, gerkle pickle. The dirkel pickles. Google.

You know, like shit like that. She was saying all that shit, but nobody. Way before anybody else. You know, way before anybody else. It was me or her, Outsman. We were like the odd men out, you know. It is so weird how there was,

it's just such a weird thing about it just like, boom. It's like lightning strikes certain people. Why didn't it strike Marilyn? And because though, but she was so far ahead of it, so far ahead of it. And then Lisa just got into that sweet spot that Marilyn had opened up and people, I just, you know, and then the thing is, like, we just have to, for me, it's like always been about just like, don't, not caring, just caring about getting to do stand-up.

Because if, I think I just always expected nothing to happen. I never, at least, Vicki, I don't expect nothing from this career. Yeah. I thought if I would be an extra, when I came here, if I mind, I had no expectations or anything. I came here with a pilot. Yeah. You know, I had no expectations of anything. I was just, I knew that I was going month to month.

My career was six months to six months, and somehow everything always happened every six months. Yep. A headline spot, a TV show, this guy likes you, you got a new agent, that would make you stay and say, okay, I'll stay for another six months. Right. 22 years were looking at, you know? Yeah. And Joey, you were 10 years younger than Vicki when she started, but do you think starting later in life has helped you guys in a different way? Because I can't imagine.

Like, I started at 29, something like that, and I felt like all the open mics were 10 years younger than me. I felt out of place. So I don't know how it affected you guys. Vicki, go first. It is what it is. So for me, it's like, because I was a mom, I used to drive up to the comedies for a parking lot in Hollywood and go, I'm a mom from Vista. California who sold carpet for the last 20 years at my parents' shop and I'm going to the Comedy Store parking lot. How is this happening? And when I get inside, all the people were

nice to me because I wasn't a thread. I wasn't like somebody they wanted to fuck. I was just like a mom who brought cake. And so I feel like... That's right. You should bring cakes on Saturday. I always felt like I had a special inn because of my weirdness. But, you know, industry was like, no, no, no, no. Even when like the comedy store put me on as like, the next breakout star and Mitzie was, I had my back so hard, no one else. And I wasn't the kind of person who would knock a second time on any door. I didn't, I just didn't get that. But the thing is, it probably would have been better if I was younger.

But when I was younger, I was catatonic. I was so, I was so afraid. What year did you start? It was like 1997 to do my first Sandy class. If anybody listening to this, I want you, do you have a website or anything? Yeah, it's Vigy Barberl at comedy. I want you to follow Vicki Barber. Like, I'm going to tell you all.

Okay, this is what respect is to women. Women earn respect. You have to earn respect as a woman at the comedy store. Always remember that. Yes, men are going to try whatever, people are going to bother you. But you know what? If you earn your respect as a woman at the comedy store, you can walk in their head fucking high.

Yeah. Vicki Barbeleck started in 1997 guys. We're talking about 2020 now. That's 23 years. But I'm going to tell you something that was the most disson. heartening thing to me, and Vicki's going to remember this, I got here in 1997, which made me 34 years old. I got criticized so much. The cocaine use didn't help because it made me look 44. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. But there was such a stigma about comics over 25 that it was

horrendous. I still remember listening to my biggest beef, I think my biggest thing I did in this time, and I love him. I love Rick Messina. I love what he did for the comics. He used to cook on Sundays. But Rick Messina is behind the store one night, and I'm like five feet away. Rick Messina, whatever management, with Tim Allen's management, Drew Carey's management.

They were also the executive producer of his first show. Yeah. Tool time, yeah. Cool time, whatever the fuck. So he's a sweetheart of a guy. I mean, this is an executive producer, but I had a show on TV

at the comedy started Tuesday. Now, not Tuesday. Wednesday, because Tuesday was Joe Torrey night in the back and they just took over the store, you know, the African Americans or the white people would actually be scared to come down. Do you remember Tuesdays? Yeah. In the original room? Oh, yeah.

You would call it 10, they're like, we're not open yet. Yeah. We got four people waiting to start the show. We need 6. Like shit like that on Tuesday nights. You know, so now if you want to think about what's going on back then, you got the word right here. But I heard that motherfucker tell a woman one night. Like, there was a girl. I didn't know her. Yeah.

I didn't know her. I didn't know her personally. I see her at the store. She'd come down and work out on Sundays and Mondays. Half attractive, you know, if I'd see it today, I remember. Yeah, yeah. She was talking to Rick, you know, trying to fucking. Work him over for management or whatever. And he said to her, I heard it.

He goes, you know, honey, your time is coming past. And she goes, but I'm just 32. He goes, then Hollywood's not interested in 32-year-old women right now. They're interested in 25 to 28. So your time is passed. And then they spoke a little while long. And I went home and my cocaine.

And next day I woke up and I thought about it. And I go, that was. The rudest thing. Because, first off, he's making a million dollars off Drew Carey. He ain't no 25 years old. And he's making another millions of dollars off Tim Allen. And he wasn't no 25 years old. So why are you, they were discouraging us.

They were purposely going agents. Right to your face. You're too old for what I'm looking for. What do you mean you're, what the fuck are you looking for? And then some people are like, yeah, you're funny. Let's bring you a commercial agent. Rick Missina did give me a shot once, though. And it was like so awful because it was, when is it holiday when he has that baseball game in his yard?

Yes. What holiday is that? Every Sunday. Every Sunday. Okay, so every, it was a big one, though. It was like everybody was going. And so I am very, very careful about pot, especially back then. I hardly ever smoked it because when I was 12, I had to go to rehab for drugs.

Anyway, so I, pot affects me very strongly. So it was Randy, Randy, one of the, one of the? the big pot smoking comics whatever I know you took it again anyway he asked me if I want to hit I driven myself and everything so I usually I said yeah I'll take a hit I took one big hit and it was like

all of a sudden the room was just the I was spinning around I was like oh my god so I had to go to the very top of the stadium seating all by myself and wait until I could speak and Rick Messina comes all the way up all the way to the top and six next to me and I couldn't speak

I literally couldn't open my mouth couldn't move. I just looked at him like this. It's fucking Rick Messina in my head. I knew what I was doing nothing. I was ruining my career, my life that this moment was happening and I was fucking unable to help myself. And I just stared at him for like 10 minutes and he's look at me really weirdly and he goes, I go, hmm. And I just had the most crazy, crazy, crazy face because I was trapped in my head. I couldn't. I know. I've been there. Oh. I've been there. When you start staying stupid shit. They're talking about the moon. You're talking about the sun. Nothing. Nothing. And that happens to me all the time. I drove home and I'm like, Vicky, you fucking, fucking idiot. I do it all the time still.

I don't even what people are saying. I yes them. I don't know what they're saying. I'll make noises and shit. He probably just came up to tell me I was too fucking old anyway. But just in case he liked my comedy, it seemed like that might be why he went that trip up those stairs. What has it been for you like the last 10 years before America's Got Talent? And how did you get America's Got Talent?

the last 10 years before were pretty rough because those were the Tommy years and I got kind of kicked out of the comedy store because he kicked everybody out that he didn't want around. And anyway, I always felt like it was the worst thing that ever happened to me. But on the other hand, the terrible things sometimes turned out to be not the terrible things because I think I was taking it for granted. And so then I had to go around and just do whatever I could find to do. and I was doing, you know, just, you know, like private fundraisers working in the clubs in San Diego as much as I could because I never stopped doing stand-up. I still went up like four or five times a week. Well, you've got any love in La Jolla? Oh, yeah.

I always got La Jolla. Right, right, right, right. And so, and then I started that wedding business, and that turned out to be really fun, and that was great. And then I, so, and then I was also doing a really fun show called Real Housewise, Funny Housewise, Orange County, which we had six, seven hundred people at every show. So that was, like, popping, and I was loving that. But then Sharon Houston called me up one day, and she goes, I'm producing outside for America's Got Talent.

I want you to come out. And I go, fuck it. Are you fucking crazy? How is Sharon? She's beautiful and great. She's really busy and good. She's doing all that Hollywood producing type stuff. And so I'm like, they're not going to take me, Sharon.

You're insane. She's still beautiful? She's so pretty. I haven't seen her in 20. She looks like she's 12. She was dating a friend of. in mine. Last time I saw her. She's still got nice tight tight titty. Who was she dating?

A comic that was a loser. Oh, isn't that the story of everybody? Yeah, she was dating a loser 20 years ago. Yeah. And she called me one day and she's like, I don't know. What if they got married? No. Okay. He's like, I don't know. What do you think? I'm like

Sharon, I don't know what the fuck to tell you. Yeah, it's like when they ask you, what are you going to do? Because they're going to get married the next week. You can never tell the truth. You're going to hedge your bets. So you went down. So she called me and I go, no, they're going to get. So she bug me for two weeks.

And she told me, she goes, so many people at my level, like middle level, comics, upper level, even, you know, had liners. They turned her down because nobody wants to eat it on that show and the chances of you eating it are great. You're in a really bad situation, two minutes, talk to the judges and then two minutes to stand up. It's a tough set, but because I never watched the show and I was sitting in my fucking trailer with no hope. I'm like, what do I have to lose? I'm already on the bottom. I cannot go any far to fall. Fuck yeah, I'll do it if they'll take me,

which I didn't think they would. So finally she goes, no, they're British, they already saw your tapes, they love you, come on, and I did. And I went to an airplane hanger in Santa Monica with just the head producer and the sound person and the co-producer, three people in an airplane hanger. I'm like, this is great. And then I did my two minutes, and then they go,

that's great, do you have any more? I go, well, I prepared two minutes, but I put time in for laughs, but you're the shittiest audience I've ever had. And then it was great And then I got on the show So And how many levels did you have to go on the show?

I made it like to the finals So how many weeks was that? I was like, it took a year It takes a year So they paid you the whole time Not a dime. Not a dime Okay

And we lived 105 miles from Hollywood So we were considered local They had to pay our own motel when we came in So I was sleeping on a lot of couches So was Lou What the fuck is that? I can't believe we didn't call you and I was to say you're a, you looky bastard.

I still remember getting 99 wheels of justice. What was that show on? TNN, 50 Wheels of Justice, and they shot in San Diego, and they gave me $65 per diem. I lived in Hollywood. Yeah. They paid me scale, but they gave me a hotel. Yeah. They would give you a hotel.

Right. What's the radius for a hotel now? 150. Oh. Yeah. What mother? I'm like, we should move. I thought about moving to a different trailer park, 35 miles from far other south.

But in the very end of the finals, when you're at the Dolby and stuff, they put you up. I think they put us with the last two finals. They did put us in L.A. But the bottom line was, I had, I didn't care because I'm used to being poor forever. What the fuck? Oh, I'm not getting my $15 tonight. Kill me, right? So it didn't matter to me about money because we already know how to live on air.

So I just hoped that it would work out. And it did. So it was... Can you explain to people loving something so much? People don't have an idea what it's like to love something so much. Not because you want to be a star. Yeah. Just because you want to be good at something.

Yes. You cut Netflix. You cut the television. You sell your couch. Yeah. And you're like, this is how I'm going to live because it really doesn't matter. I'm just doing comedy anyway. Like, it doesn't matter.

It doesn't matter. And some nights I'm going to get $20, some nights I'm going to get $50. Yeah. And some nights I'm not going to get dick. Yeah. But I know I'm doing three sets a night, and at a year, I can afford an apartment. You know, it's like, once you do it, and then you go, oh, I know what I need to do. Yep.

This is what needs to be done. If I want to do this, oh, you want to start obscene on the road, you're getting $2.50 a week at no hotel. That car better be comfortable. Yeah. And you better know how to take a shower behind the thing and fucking at a gas. station and you know these are the things you got to learn how to sneak into a hotel and jump in their pool that's good enough i put some gel in my head i'll do his shows sometimes you can't take a shower you just got to shoot in a pool there's free breakfast at the hotel across the street yeah

please not where i am i don't know how many times i pulled up behind a hotel and just went to sleep and nobody even bothered you but people really don't understand the concept of loving something that You know, it's like right now, I know for a fact there's no money in comedy. Mm-hmm. Do I want to do comedy? Yes, locally. Mm-hmm. Once this area opens up again, I'm going to be a demon doing comedy again.

I did love, though, when I got that room at Las Vegas, the Kimmel Room of that residency, and that was, like, so much fun. And then I loved seeing that gigantic Joey Diaz billboard in Las Vegas. I mean, there is something wonderful there. We were there together? I was there when you, yeah, you were there. when I was there only on Tuesday nights and so I didn't get to see you,

but I saw your billboard and I was so fucking happy. That was Treasure Island. I was supposed to be in Treasure Island in two weeks. Yeah. I was, we left Lou's guitar, lose piano in the Kimmel Room

because we were coming back the next Tuesday. It's been there for four months. Fuck. Fuck. Yeah. You know, I was on Rogan's thing on Saturday night and I'm like, you know,

I got to be honest with you people, the first three months. I was like, thank God. to go out at night no more. I'm too all for this shit anyway. Thank God. Who are the fucking mind thinking I'm a comic going to the comedy store in 57? I piss my pants every 30 minutes so I can't see it nights. You know, I mean, things are moving quickly on the down there.

The cocaine tooth is back because it chipped. That was the cocaine tooth from my name is Earl. Look at that. You see my name is Earl. That's not a prop. That was the cocaine tooth at the end. What I saw. it on TV. I was so embarrassed. I went to

a doctor the next day. And he goes, it was the day before Christmas. I go, you got to fix this. I can't walk around with this crack through. He goes, what do you got at the house? I go, like $500. He goes, bring it in. He goes, I only do it for you for Christmas. And he goes, it's only going to last three years. Well,

it lasts at 13. Nice. But it fell off the other night. So you can't. I talked to my girl, and she's like, you know, Joey, give us a few weeks because right now the dentist That's all mouse

We got a guy in Mexico for you With the gallies Oh Lou is an ex-fellin and he can go Well not now You went I know that was 20 years ago

You could get a passport You know what you can You know what you cannot get Is a I got a warrant Oh never mind Sorry forget it Oh well never mind Besides it's a

Nobody's gonna drive six hours To the dentist bit us Yeah No, I'm not going to Mexico. Sorry. No, it's not a good idea. Right here. It was a nightmare.

There's an Armenian around here somewhere. Yeah, no. I got an Armenian that doubles a body shot dental. They sprayed wind decks on his face before they operated. So I would not recommend it. But it's all we could afford. Well, they sprayed windex around the chair. I saw it.

Yeah, they're fucking, you know, it's like this COVID test. This COVID test at Dodger Stadium. You see the lines. Why would you go there? why would you go then do you know what the okay again i got a g ed one of the odds they're testing 5,000 people a day are those people doctors or they just just the average of human and i don't want to say this word but just with human stupidity there's so much human error there that i put vicky barbillax tube and taleseyat's bag you know there's so many people that you there's so many people that you

there's four cars at one time. You know, how much error, how much room for error do you have? You wanted to get tests for COVID. Pay the doctor get a blood test, see you got the antibodies. But for you to put a fucking swab in your nose, especially me and Lou,

look, they put a swab in your nose. What are going to get back? I got five, like I told you the other night, listen, I started with THC Crystal, which is angel dust, it's animal tranquilizers. Then I moved on to cocaine, some heroin along the way. then you go down on women

you sniff that pussy that gives you something in your nose God forbid you eat them from behind and you get that asshole dust when you first open up the ass it gives you like that asshole dust right under the nose and then you know I smelled Newark

you know what I'm saying like you ever drive through Newark once you have all that shit in your nose no test is going to come back negative I'm coming back positive for something now what happens if they fuck that test up and they call vicking go you just fuck up. What are you talking

about? You got everything in your nose because you know we got hair in our nose, do we not? If you got hairs in your nose, you got poise in your fucking nose. So shit went into those fucking pores. I trust one of those swabby-dobby test. If you come to me with a swabby dhabi test, I don't want it.

Let's call me the night before. I'll prepare mentally. I'll give me the blood. Everything else is background fucking music. You got a piss test for it? You got to have a piss test for it. Yeah. It should come out in your piss. Something needs to come out of your face. A saliva test. A saliva test. Something.

But I want the blood. Let's be certain. Why fuck around? My daughter, Lily, is a scientist. She's a biostatistician. And her company in Carlsbad, just her little company, 14 trials are going on right now for testing. So, I mean, there's just, there's going to be home test soon. I mean, it's sooner than ever because what she told me and everyone knows is that they have literally said there is no more regulation.

We could do wherever we want as fast as we want. So it is going to move faster than it's ever moved before. And there's so many more companies and people on it. There's, think, it will happen. It's just not going to be, even as fast as it is, with all the population so big, it's still going to be slow. But it's going to happen. Home tests are going to happen soon. I mean, I think.

Thank God, because I don't trust. I'm not sitting there. They closed the Dodgers Stadium testing facility. Well, I don't know if you know this. The Dodgers are in there. Okay. They were practicing. to have a major league baseball team

to generate millions of dollars for this economy. Now, you want to sit out here with your COVID-filled car, 10 hours with your fucking ugly family, breathing COVID-in-cove- there. You're going to get COVID from the COVID. And then it's coming out of the fucking vents, and the guy next to you,

that poor fucking Chinese guy that's getting tortured. He's not even Chinese. He's like from fucking Hong Kong or something. But he's getting eggs thrown at his house. He hasn't bothered anybody. You know, and all of a sudden he's sitting there. You're fucking, lower in the window, it'll get the air out.

He lowers his. The vid goes in his fucking car. You can't. You got to wear a mask in those things, and there's not going to be like a hundred people. You know, everybody blamed the protest. There's a thousand things I blamed. You know, there's a thousand. Look at a day.

Three people tested positive from a flight on Delta. Oh. Right after the fucking flight. You know, you can't do any of this shit. What about the COVID parties? I couldn't believe I heard about that. I wish I could fucking get a room. That would be such a great business to get COVID dust.

Yeah. Like remember, what's the fucking black Dracula? Spade. Blade. Right, right. Blade. Whatever. Blade.

Yeah. Fucking, remember he went to the first party and the things opened and blood came out? Yeah. And everybody was dancing to the blood. That's what to do. Yeah. I would love to have those parties. I'm fucking great at that.

I'll read one of those Hitler manifestos. I'll get one of those parties I locked the doors and start spraying that fucking I'll get one of those fucking things from the 50s where he's just spraying fucking COVID dust in there

and watch them go down one by one one by one and whoever gets the money now that kid died playing the game he should get the money he won

throw it in he won they better renegotiate what party he went there because whoever gets the COVID first wins I guarantee somebody else got it first,

and this guy took the bullet. And as he was dying, he's like, I better get my money. He even told the nurse, got to get my money. You know, how can we, also, I got like $14,000 tied up and Delta tickets right now. You? Yes. And.

You have no idea what I had tied up in fucking JetBlue tickets. Okay. I got you. And I'm like, we're going to lose that. I can't. Yeah, I'm not going to fly in time to get to use that. I'm not going to, right. I have two round trip tickets on Jet Blue.

We've got to get them to get... First-class fucking mint. And they're not going to save it for you? They're going to save it for like nine months. I had... Fuck then. You know, I love JetBlue. Yeah, a lot of people don't know this.

Shit's gone away. That's why all that cancellation shit was so important. Cancel it. Get your money back now. Before people start realizing what's really happening. It's like, I can't understand it. Why? Okay, I was like six months booked, so I buy tickets in advance because they're cheaper,

so I have those tickets all bought and then Delta goes well we live in two years but my contracts are all void why is my contract with Delta void? I don't want to get on their plane because people are getting sick I don't it's just

I want to I really want the money back I need it. Everybody, I mean, but what? Listen, there are so many I do this podcast for one reason I brought you on today for one reason because I know you bring joy right now people are having

the hardest times of having their life and I could tell you thousand stories. I know personally. I'll blow a pilot. Okay. I'll blow a pilot. I'm offering to blow any Delta pilot that's listening right now. Listen to me. Yes. I don't even think nobody wants a blow job. Damn it.

Would you take a blow job from a civilian right now? It just came up to you for COVID? Okay, I won't blow you. I will not blow that COVID dick in your bloodstream through your nuts sack. Now you're nuts got COVID. Now if you have a kid, the kid's going to be born with COVID. Right from the gate. The kids

asymptomatic. He's born. His eyes off. Fuck, you gotta have a fucking asthmatic thing and shit on him. No, you want to do nothing. I don't want to see nobody. I don't want to talk to him. I was having some fun with my wife,

my wife for a while. For a couple of weeks, we were banging it out. But then I'm like, you know, you come in, you're pissed. You got COVID on your hands. Thank God I always wash my hands before I touch my dick.

Yeah. I've been doing that since I was 18. Once a year, I don't like my, I don't even put my dick in the toilet. When I shit, I shit up. I'd rather leave a stain. are like a snail then leave my nutsack

I want my nutsacks and my dick to always be clean prepared I don't want somebody to come back and say I got a toothache from sucking you're saying so good to know you have to be you know that's why people listen to your show you have to wash your fucking hands before you touch your dick

if not the woman you love or the guy you love is going to get something one day he's going to come back with a fucking cavity and I don't know how I got it I'm saying my lose always washing his hands. Gotta wash your fucking hands before you touch your dick.

Unbelievable. How has life been after this? What has life been treating you like? What do you feel like? Honestly, the very best thing was seeing my name at the comedy store. The same night, your name was up at the comedy store. That night was like the best night for me. Getting back to the comedy store was the best thing beyond anything else.

And then just the tour, the touring, headlining and all my life, dreamed like I could do an hour and be a good headliner and get people to laugh for hour after hour. And the strength, it's like laying the brick and getting at that point where you really can lay a good wall and do fancy tricks at the top. My one taped you every day. Oh, it's so nice. I love that. I would think I watched one of them with you and I was so fucking proud of you. You said that you guys lost.

I think I got like tears in my eyes. I look for that shit. Like I leave the house at night. When I used to do comedy, before I leave the house at night, I check. there. I check Letterman. I check everybody. Just see if one of my friends are going to be out. And I tape it and I sit there the next morning and I wake up like a

fucking 14 year old kid who's going to get his dick sucked by the teacher the first time. I wake up ready to go and I put the special, you know, I put your sting on TV and I'm fucking cheering for you. Thank you. And six out of ten times I'm very disappointed. Why do you do that joke? He's been doing that joke for a fucking two years God damn it. You just fucked it up.

You couldn't take the something else. You know, like, I'm one of those guys. Like, I'm coaching them. Yeah. Do the fucking radiator joke. And they're like, well, and I'm like, fucking getting pissed off. With you, you looked beautiful. Like, you were comfortable talking to the judges and shit.

They dug you. I'm like, that's the comedy store. Yeah, it is. That's what my wife said. She goes, she won that. That's the comedy store. That is the comedy store because it's crazy. It takes everything out.

It takes you down to be real, especially the original room. You have to find, you cannot. be in there and not any any bit of you that's not real is like an X-ray machine. So I feel like that's what I was into so long. And so yeah, being on that show is millions of people watch that show, like 13, 14, 15 million people a week watch that show. And so I had no idea of what that would mean for my career. And it's just, I'm so lucky and happy because I just kept hoping that something would happen that I get to keep doing stand-up. And I didn't know what it would be, but I just hoped that something would happen

and that's what happened And I got to be a road warrior at this age I've been I was two years and I know I came home like twice We were a I mean yeah And it was in it you know it's great It is great

As long as you can do it it's great And I met so many wonderful people And you know People took me on boat rides And took me their houses And fed me and Lou And we met great people And it was so much fun

And then it ended so fast And that's okay It happened for everyone and maybe it'll happen again and Vegas will come back. But whatever it is, I got to do it. And I am so grateful. I learned one thing out of this quarantine and this situation. I'm okay, though.

I'm lying to you if I'm telling you I'm not having a hard time some nights. I had to stop doing the edibles because I was using them as a crutch. You know, he got nothing else. Well, I got an old spot tonight. I might as well start eating edibles at four in the afternoon. and by fucking eight, I'm a mess, you know, on the couch. So, you know, I said some things. I did some things about comedy that, you know, it was too much in my life.

I didn't want that much in my life. And now I realized that was wrong. You know, I was wrong. And I'll tell you what, man. I hope they do come up with a vaccine. I hope they make it that at least we could perform in front of 200 people. Mm-hmm. Otherwise, I'll see it in the afternoon.

I'm 57. Yeah. So I just want to stay healthy enough to do one farewell tour. Like go to every fucking small club from Providence. Like I liked all those 280 clubs, you know. That's my world. Anything after that, that theater world I went on, that was a great time. But I got to tell you something, it wasn't for me.

It's not the feel what you want. It wasn't for me. I realized that. is that I remember realizing it and going, why do I keep booking theaters? And I remember I had either in June was the last set of theaters. It was a Cleveland-Indianapolis run.

And I'm like, I don't give a fuck. Because, you know, in April, you know, we didn't know about COVID. We thought we were going to be back to work in June. And the dealers were going to be back to get it. And I remember looking at that day going, I can't do it. It was too much for me to fly into a city.

was flying into a city Thursday. I'm not complaining. I had it nice and easy. It is as easy as can be. I go to the best restaurant in town, whoever, like local flavor? Yes. Like somewhere local.

Nothing like I give a little big tip. I talk to the locals. The show is already sold out. You know what I'm saying? I'd have to do nothing. Yeah. I just wanted to go meet some of the locals. And then I went back to the hotel.

Friday I get up. I go to a kickboxing school or something in the area. I'd call them before. or I'd go to the gym, I'd smoke pot, have a nice breakfast at the hotel, take a nap, watch narcos. Yeah. And then you do this little 8 o'clock show at a theater, you know,

and it's sold out, and afterward you take some pictures, and you're in your room by 10, 30, 11 o'clock. Yep. You know, but this is what I didn't like. I had to be out of there by 10 and go to another train station, and it was either a four-hour train or three-hour. And Saturday is your nap day.

Saturday, Friday night, when you go on the road, You can't wait to the second show is over because you got Twinkies. You got a fucking pizza. You got fucking eight sleeping pills. You got edibles. You got heroin. You got narcos. You got the Godfather.

You have so many things when you go back to your health room. Why? Because you don't have to get up on Saturday. Hello? Hello? No radio on Saturday. No radio on Saturday. So I'm up till four fucking around Friday nights, right?

texting, whatever the fuck, you know. Then Saturday, you get up at 8. Even if I went to bed at 4, I'd get up at 8, catch two eggs sunny side up, two pieces of bacon, two pieces of wheat toast, no butter, eat it, walk outside, smoke a fucking joint, go back to the hotel room, and that's why I sat until about 4.30.

I'd go to the gym, get a little room service, because I'm not going nowhere at 6. At 6 I'm not going nowhere. And everybody's got a piece of salmon. Right? Everybody's got salmon. So I would eat salmon, go to the club. I rather do the clubs.

Yeah. I was more comfortable in that club. Because you feel them. They feel the room. You feel the heart. In the theater, they're so far away. You don't have a dialogue with them. No.

Bo boom, boom. It's not like getting real. It's great. It's fun. It's a great experience to have. But I'm going back to Sweet Home Alabama. Yeah. I'm going back to the clubs.

You know? Which ones? I don't know. We'll see which one's open and what's left, but that's how I feel. You know, it really stuck with me from our, we had a Rudy Sazo on a week's an episode, and he said the thing that helped him in life is to not look for happiness, but to look for peace. And that sort of sounds like what you're talking about, Joey, because you could, everyone talking about doing theaters and doing arenas, but you're just, you're more, you're more peace.

You come to an eight, listen, it's all about your age and what you've been through and what you've seen. we've seen how many comics come and go. Yeah. That had more things going on than you and I have ever dreamed of. Yeah. They disappeared. They're selling, go on Facebook. They're selling real estate.

Yeah, they just couldn't. In Florida now. Yeah. This was too much. Right. You know, this. I always just think they had sense. Yeah.

No, no. This is too much. This is, you know, this, the beginning of this is rough. The middle of this is rough. And guess when it gets rough? Once you're up there, I can't imagine Kevin Hart's life. Yeah. No wonder you flip that fucking car.

I can't imagine Dave Chappelle's life, you know. Right, right. Yeah. Arena's fluffy, you know. Yeah. That's not, I love that he's doing it. Yeah. But you know what? I just want to go back to the clubs.

Yeah, for real. I want to Lenny Bruce it. Yes. I want to fucking talk to people. Yes. That's what you're doing it for. The theater's like, oh. You're doing it for the check.

How many clubs do you go to to see the staff? Mm-hmm. Right. Like the staff in Wise guys in Utah. So nice. Cleveland. Yep. The staff is that the fucking West Palm Beach.

Yep. The staff is sweet down there. You know, Tempe. Oh, my God. They couldn't be any nicer. Yeah. So you look forward to all that. Yeah.

Now we don't have dick. Yeah. I look forward to watching. My goal is not to watch Jeopardy at 7. If Jeopardy comes on, I'm at the wrong room, okay? So as soon as 10 to 7, I get up. And sometimes I cry. Sometimes that I call Lee and torture him to make myself feel better.

I call Lee and Tom, I'm going to bring a hooker to his house. That's so funny. But I love that you said you already forgot that you're a comic. I mean, it's only been three or four months. And we've done it for every night of our life. I had to forget because if not it would be too painful. Yeah, I guess it's just to be. I had to forget.

Yes. I had to forget. It's like getting raped. We got raped. I got fucking raped, man. 29 years I was doing something. The guy came with a fucking a woo-hand dick. Yeah.

And shoves it up my woo-hand little ass. And now, not me, but all my fucking friends are all stuck in an apartment together every goddamn night. And, you know, I wouldn't send a friend to mine unless your fucking parent dies. You go on a plane right now. That's it. If you call me, you tell me you're going to Disneyland. I'm going to take your phone off. out of my phone.

I'm thinking a number out of my phone. No. You're right. It is true. And it's just like, I think you're right, though. It's like you can't think about it. But I keep also thinking like, oh, maybe I was just pretending anyway. It was just all pretend.

It wasn't real. No, it was real. It was real. When I went to prison, it was real. And the sentence I served in fucking comedy, this has been real. Okay? The greyhounds. Yeah.

You know. Right. We served. This was just different type of prison. Comedy is a different type of prison because it lives in your head, guys. Yeah. We live in our heads. I don't need four bars to put me in prison.

I could do it on my own. If you want, I'll give you one of these. These A, B, X's, they'll put you in prison mentally. So you're a comic. You put ourselves mentally in prison. I'm not good enough. That joke sucks. I look like shit.

I don't know why I do this. I should quit. Every fucking time I drive to the car, 29 years. Every time I drive to the comedy store, I'm a loser. My mother sucks big. I can't believe she died. Yep. You know.

And then you catch yourself by sunset. You're like, what the fuck am I talking about? I'm headed to the world famous. Bitch, the fuck the motherfucker's up. This is mine. What the fuck you talking about? I'm going to go steal that like fucking, what are you crazy?

But leave in the house when I got to go on the road on a wet Thursday, oh, little Joey becomes the biggest fag you have met in your life. I lose things. I yell at my wife. I don't know where the earphones are. You know what I'm saying? You charge them? Why should I charge them?

They're yours. You know. Right. And then you get the Uber and you're like, you get the Uber and you're like, okay. Yeah. This is what I do. This is what I do. You get to the airport.

You cut to the front of the line, right? Hey, what's going on? You ever go to American Airlines? They got the really heavy set black chick that let you upstairs. She's beautiful. So I would flirt with a constant. There's my girl. Oh, shit.

Oh, shit. And she said, how you doing? And you go, you know, you know people at the airport. Forget Burbank. I got them on fucking Speedop. I do what I wanted Burbank because Armando Casillo's wife. Nice. His daughter runs Burbank Southwest.

So all you got to do is go up there. She gives you like the fucking handicap card. You get on the plane first. You know what I'm saying? No matter what. You could have C-82. And that bitch will go, come here. Take this and take this.

And next thing you know, you're walking on the plane with a limp and shit. But fuck it, you got to borrow your nephew. football helmet and walk in there. Yeah. Listen, if you're going to get down, we've got to get down on the Sunday, Beck. That's it. We have a fake service dog, and they all know us in San Diego, so they all just smile and let us in.

But yeah, it's just... So what are you going to do now? What are we doing now? What's the name of the podcast? I started a podcast. It's called Big Girls Don't Cry. iTunes? And it's on iTunes.

And I'll do it live on YouTube. Okay. And put it on Spotify also. On Spotify, it's on Spotify. Go on Spotify. So we just have two episodes in, and I sat with my legs, my legs apart, because I always spread my legs because I don't sit well. So I got a lot of complaints the first week from my snatch.

But like you said, I'm just going to put advertisements down there from now. Because the next week I tied them together because I was so embarrassed. Wash your monkey. There you go. Clean it up. Don't forget the floss. That's right. Lou, that's Lou's job.

And then the best thing is you take those on the way you sell them brand new. But you also tell them this. I got the, like right now you get the stress stolen. in two versions. The acconversion and the regular version. Tell them, I got a pair of shorts for you and I walk a mile in. Yeah. I don't know what I'm saying? What do you want to do with those? Autograph. Those come autographed? That's an extra 20. There you go. You get to get a whiff of that monkey. I got to get through this somehow, Joey. You just saved us, Lou. You just saved us. You just saved us. Listen, there's a thousand houses on the compete. That's it.

That's it. That's it. It really is. That's it. You're such a personality. You're such a sweetheart. Oh, Joey, you're so great. That this is a natural for you. You're going to be doing two of these a week. Lou said, you know, Vicky, it's like, you know, we couldn't stay on the road forever. This might be a blessing. I'm like, you know, it could be. And I'm with my friend Amber Rose. My best friend died four years ago, Cindy Burns, and she was producer of Funnies Housewives of Orange

County. Anyway, she was great. Joan Rivers found her right before she died, and it was great. And she was wonderful. But her daughter, Amber, is my co-host. And I love Amber, so it's really special. So it's really fun. Ricky, man, when I saw what was going on with you, I was very happy because finally the good guys won.

You know, like, finally the good guys won. We know who's worked hard and who's put their ass in the line and who's sacrificed. You know, you lived on a trailer park, Ricky. You sacrificed. I mean, I've been so grateful, but, yeah, I mean, people dropped off food sometimes. And I was so embarrassed. Like people are dropping off food. They know I would let it slip that a job got canceled.

I let it slip with my friend. And then I get home and there's a bunch of bags of food from Trader Joe's outside. And I'm like, fuck, I'm such a fucking loser. I'm the worst mother. And then I went, on the other hand, somebody loves me so much that they're going to drop off food for us. So it was like, learn that kind of gratitude. And that's the great thing about doing what you love, just jumping off that cliff and letting it happen. And so people always go, like, you've struggled.

sacrifice if I had kept my parents fucking carpet store like I was supposed to do and been rich from that shitball life that would have been suffering so I feel like I haven't suffered I've been just so happy poor but extremely happy fucking happy yeah fuck them right yeah money don't buy happiness and people really don't know that until they find happiness and they see that what was all that fuss about that's what people are saying about COVID the lesson that other people learn is that you will find that you do not, you will find happiness other than on what you can fucking buy at the mall and the shit you can order. You can find happiness a whole different way. And my daughters are raised on air. And I think, and their peers are lovely and wonderful, but my daughters are

grit, you know, because they had to and they were on their own and they knew it. So I think that also children, like just our world was just becoming so bye, buy, buy, buy, buy, buy, buy, buy, get, get, get, get, get. Even in my own head. And so, I mean, I was like, jumping back on that train and that I've not been on forever. So I'm grateful that that train is not there for me right now. And I think that's going to be a lesson for a lot of people. Don't that, that it's not about consuming. It's about loving people having fun.

Right now, yeah. It's, it's listening. A lot of people are going to get thrown out the end of this month. There's going to be a lot of pain. There's going to be a lot of confusion. And this is why I do this podcast twice a week. I'm not looking for something from nobody. I got no tickets to sell.

You know, there's nothing. Yeah. I do this because I want people to know we're with them. Yeah. We're with them. We know what you're going through, man, and I have empathy for you. I wish I had a $100 million Spotify deal so I could send all my listeners a fucking stimulus check. Right.

I really would because they've been here with us through all these years. The only stimulus I can give them is love for them to pass on. Absolutely. Not to be angry. There's no debtors prison. Can't put you in jail for being in debt. You can't. suck my dick.

You keep calling me, I'll hang up on you. I don't give a fuck. I'll change numbers. You know, I don't give a fuck. I've lived off ramen before. And you know what? It's not bad. No.

It's not bad. So they can't take away your dignity. They can't take away your soul. You know, some girl called me the other day. She goes, I sold my TV, my stereo on my couch. She's having a hard time. And my reply to her, I've known her for so long. And she's such a decent girl.

She doesn't realize it. Like she's beating herself up too much and all this. And I said, you haven't sold your soul like most of these people in this town. And you haven't sold your pussy. Once you do that, that's when you got a problem. Yeah. But if you didn't sell those two in this fucking town, you're going to be fine. So, and you, you know, and me, whatever.

It's true. It's like you have to just understand that the worst case is we end up with a shopping cart. We're still going to be all right. We're still going to be all right. And if you know somebody who needs a bag of rice and you have a bag of rice, you could drop it off their house. Or, like, I have an old neighbor in my house. trailer park and she's French and I know she's low on money and low on wine so I buy really cheap

bottles of wine for me and I'll give her an extra bottle for two dollars and it's like just like if you know if you suspect a friend needs some food I can tell you or not that I probably do do it better if I didn't take the free food I should have got hungry more but if you do know somebody who needs a little something there's nothing nothing wrong with dropping off a bag of rice or bag of beans I mean especially now just keep your eyes open who might need a little something it's not like you can give them a bunch of money. We don't have it. But you can give somebody COVID and some bread.

Vicky, that was, that's what this is all about, is empathy right now. Yeah. You know, you go on social media and it's hate, eight, eight, eight, eight, eight, eight, eight, eight. This is empathy, man. This is, you know, somebody told me to you, you got to get dice on the show and to prove that, people can't attack you no more for saying what you're saying. They could keep attacking all they want. I'm going to keep saying what the fuck I'm saying

until they throw me under the jail or six feet under. So at this point, you can suck my dick. You know what I'm saying? What days do you release your podcast? On Thursdays. Thursdays. So I want you to download, what's the name of it?

Big girls don't cry. You will not. I want you to follow her journey. She's going to take you on a fucking great journey because she's taking me on a journey today. I realize something today. I realize why quit doing coke and stuff. with it. Marilyn did cut a deal for me. Right on. Thank you

Marilyn, you sweet girl. She did cut a deal for me. I think she's been watching over me really strongly. Oh, me too. I feel it. I light a candle for on Mondays. My shiver. Her and Mitzy. Yeah. So people have no idea. Yeah. People have no idea. Yeah. I love you. Love you, Joey. Thank you. Congratulations. I love you. Thank you for Crack and Lee. You showed him Comedy 101 by saying his name wrong. That's great. Thank God you were playing the piano. The whole audience would I heard them fracture from the inside.

And thank you guys for doing this show. I enjoyed so much. It makes my week so much better. Oh, please. This is what we do here. Real quickly, what's the website, Vicki? Oh, Vicki Barberleck Comedy. Write it down.

Vicki Barbellat Comedy. Have I ever told you not to watch something? Watch this woman. This woman is amazing. She's my comedy sister. Right on. And that's it. We got no dates to promote.

Nobody's promoting Dick. All we're promoting is love here. But before I leave, let me talk to you about something. Stamps.com. Skip the line, print postage 24-7. Everybody's avoiding crowds right now. People coughing, people with mad, nothing. Nobody wants to go to the post office, right?

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And you guys, I'll see you Wednesday morning. Ready to TikTok Magoo, motherfuckers. Listen. stay safe, watch what's going on out there. I saw a fucking guy beat up a hooker at 9.30 in the morning in front of CVS on Lancash in the other morning because she stole his wallet.

And I got in my car and I took off. And people were like, why didn't you tape it? Because there's a lot of guns going off. So you see something that doesn't look right, guys? Do me a favor. Turn around and walk away. Don't take your fucking camera. I don't want you to get shot.

Mind your fucking business. You're not Jimmy Olson, you're not a reporter. Turn around and walk away, okay? Have a great day today, Monday. I love you, motherfucker. Stay black. Lee, kick this motherfucker meal.