The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #808 - Kate Quigley

Episode Date: July 29, 2020

Kate Quigley, a stand up comedian seen on MTV and Playboy TV, and host of the "#DateFails" podcast, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt LIVE in studio.  This podcast is brought to you by:  DraftKings - Download DraftKings Sportsbook now and use code CHURCH to get $1000 sign up bonus.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout on your first order.  

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Go to onit.com right now and press in. Church. C-H-U-R-C-H and get 10% off like a motherfucker. Kick this fucking meal, Lee. How long is this take here? What's going on? Oh, shit. No more fucking excuses.

No more. It's all over. It's all over. What is you? Welcome to church. Welcome to church, cop-sucking. Kay Quigley's in studio. Finally, she got over the fucking, she got over the herpes.

It was a long three months in the hospital, a couple transfusions. Then they gave it like fucking Charlie Sheen blood by mistake. And that really fucked it up. It cures you of everything. You look beautiful. I do. You're back. Yeah.

Thank you, man. The hair looks nice. Really? Thank you. I haven't. I can tell you got a boyfriend. You can? I can tell.

It's because I post different. I haven't been posting as much. No. It's weird having to think about somebody else. You know? I just, yeah. It's weird also saying I have a boyfriend. I've never really admitted it completely.

I say like, oh, I'm seeing this guy, but yeah. How long you've been with him now? Actually, it's so funny. We met years ago, but we didn't connect at all. I wasn't really, honestly, I thought he was too nice for me. Like, he has a very nice reputation, and I thought he'd be too straight edge. And, but then, I don't know, we started, like, DMing a little, and it was right before quarantine, we really,

started talking a lot. I actually was kind of pitching a project to him, which is hilarious. Like I wasn't interested. He wasn't flirting and I wasn't flirting. We were just talking business. And then the project kind of fell through. But then we just kept talking. And then I was lonely during quarantine. And I think I posted something like, hey, I'm like bummed out tonight. Somebody cheer me up. And he texted me and was like, can I come to L.A. and take you out to dinner. And that's how it started. And I was like at the beginning of quarantine. And then like, Like quarantine. What the fuck?

Did he take it in dinner? Well, he just bought, we just post-made it. But we didn't like hook up that right away or anything like that. That's what's weird about this quarantine is that we ended up FaceTiming like every day for hours. So you, I got to know him better than I've ever gotten to know any guy I've dated before I slept with him. Definitely. But even, you know, it's like we became friends, really. And I know, and here's what's different.

I knew I liked him because I didn't send him. because I didn't send him any hot photos. I didn't flirt. Like, there was no, like, sex thing. I wouldn't, I was, like, bashful. It was so weird. Like, like. So you played your cards right.

I didn't mean to. I just, he's such a nice guy that I, like, like, like, I was actually worried that when we had sex, it would be too nice. I even told him that. Like, once we started to really, because we kind of knew we'd be together before we even had sex. How weird is love? It's so fucking weird

It's so weird I did a whole podcast on it How you live your life You hook up with people You think you're not doing something And all of a sudden you're walking to a laundromat Some girl looks at you You say hello

Yeah Next thing you're going for coffee Next thing you know You're going for dinner She knows somebody you know You go to the same acting class And bam You were like

Fuck I've been single for nine months I haven't gotten late in 14 months I've never had that But yeah If you listen to this podcast, we've all gone on dry streaks that you start questioning what the fuck is wrong with you. Like, yeah. I went on one from August of 84 to July of 85.

I love that you know the exact. Oh, you know that by the day. Nine months of celibacy, nine months of. On purpose? No, no. Like, I was just getting no. You know, you got to suck a thousand dicks to find the prince. That's true.

That's true. You know, you got to kiss a thousand frogs. You got to suck a thousand dicks. I just tweeted that. We were just talking about it. To find the best dick that suits you. It's so true, man. Some of them tastes like hummus.

Some of them tastes like shoe horns. I mean, you know. I like the guy, but his dick tastes like a shoe horn. I haven't had a shoehorn dick, but I do have to say that that is one thing during the last six months. There were a few. Before this guy, I went on a dating streak where I kept dating guys. that were like progressively worse. Like you would have been so disappointed in me.

Like they were, I thought I was getting better. Yeah, last time I saw you, you were no Miss America, no Mr. America. Yeah, Mr. America. You were some guy with a shirt cut off. He stunk like onions. I was? Yeah.

And you brought him up to me and I'm like, get this get away from me. That's hilarious. I don't even remember who was. He had a million Twitter followers. I'm like, I don't care what fuck if he's got. Oh, that guy. That's following him is fucking leprosy. That's what's following.

That guy is st. I forgot about that's what I was going to say. Yeah, I'm like, what the fuck? But dudes don't want to ask you, can I ask you a question? I don't want to get dirty with you. No, do it. When you shower, both you guys, when you wash your dick and your balls, do you wash under your balls?

Absolutely. Like, well? All the way. Under the balls, pick them up, under and scrub it. I pull the skin back on the helmet. I polish out because sometimes you get that goo around the helmet. And it sticks to women's mouth. If you're fucking non-Jewy,

and you pull your skin back, you get that little fucking helmet jizz on the side. I've never seen that. Sometimes I get a little piece of toilet paper stuck in there or something. I'm uncircumcised. How are you uncircised? Listen, don't ask questions. So I pull the dick back, I scrub it good,

and then I have a special lufa. A dick lufa? Just for my asshole. Oh, yeah, you got to. I get the special lufa and I cut. But I've eaten plenty of assholes to see when an asshole has had road damage. I've seen assholes that are not They smell good

But they've had road damage So what I do is I never wanted that You got to get the lufa It's like three quarters of your finger And you scrub that inside You get all that molecule Wait wait wait wait wait wait What's the lufa that you're using

Is it like shaped like a finger? No I cut it I designed it myself I'm thinking to put it on the market I think you're sure I didn't think you put it on your finger Yeah the asshole for the lup It's like a puppet it's an asshole puppet

And then I boil it To get all the asshole Germans off and like I turn the water really hot. You boil it. I dry and I let it sit. You got to take care your asshole. Asshole health is number one. I agree. I started buying those ear syringe things to use down there.

Yeah. To use animals and shit. Because my gay friend, I thought it was enough to just scrub in there. No. Not enough, I guess. Gay guys, they don't fuck around. If you want info on assholes, you put your gay side aside. He'll tell you everything. That's what I did. This morning, I farted

for CBS. Oh my God There was a guy behind me And he was starting to shake Even with the mask on I would have blown Dr. Fauci right off the fucking chair He would have quit

He would have said In all my scientific life There's probably vapor I've never smelled anything like this This smells worse than Wuhan It seems like you ate the bat That killed the Wu'an bat Yeah I have to say

I read that You tweeted about it And when I read it Oh my God I had I can't wait To run back to the car Because it was chate I had to run away from the fart And then when I got in the car, I was trying to get into the car,

and I put my mask on it disappeared. You can see like a little COVID dust. There was some Mexican lady like looking around, like something happened. Oh, my God. That's how I know that you love me because I've only heard you fart once. Do you know that? Once in this room, one time, in our whole friendship, you've never farted. There's some people you don't want to fart around because you might lose them.

I was going to say, what I mean? Everybody farts around me. No one else has ever farted around me. Yes, stay. You just bring it out of me. I look at you and I feel like farting. I'm terrified of farting in front of people. Really? Yeah, especially any guy. Like, really, even if I don't like him, even if I'm not, like, I'm just afraid that they'll never want to fuck me ever again.

Eventually, it's funny. Once you fart in front of a man, it's all over. That means I fuck in the ass. I came on your eyeballs. That means I met your mother, your father, your grandfather, your retarded sister, the one that's missing a leg. she lost her in Vietnam you know once that all

once you got everybody under control a woman will fucking cut a fart one night during some fucking it's not our fault because once you've been in the butt hole you stretch it out little it's just air passing we're not used to I don't do anal unless I'm in love love love

like ever so I'm not used to having a stretched out butthole 2500 what does that mean 2500 for the asshole no yeah me yeah I don't know. Not worth it.

I got a guy in Sherman Oaks. No. No. $25 grand. I would think about it. $25,500 for nassal. One pop. You go home, he gives you a little swab with a smoothie.

It's not worth it. It's like giving them blood at the American Red Cross. Not even close. No, it's not. They give you a little badge. It's not even close. Do you eat cookie after two? They give you, if you faint.

Some orange juice and a snickerdoodle. If you're faint, they're fucking, you know, whatever. I don't think, man. I don't know. That really scares me. Anil freaks me out because of the whole, you know. But as a man, let me tell you what the problem is with anal. Tell me, please.

To me, to me, I'm going to tell you how it works for me, just so you know. You know, you didn't learn sex education in school. You learned sex education from gorillas when I was growing up. Those guys that were older than me were gorillas, and they're like, wait, do you fuck them in the ass? That's the whole thing. And I'm like, really? So I don't know. took me years to finally like ask

somebody. I'm not going to tell you who you don't know who was anyway. I got to tell you something. I got to tell you something. It was like smoking crack. It was so good? No, it's okay. But it's just too much work. Unless you get fucked in the ass on a regular. It's too much work. I got a little bit

and then put it in and then you're holding my thighs with your hands. Just a little bit, oh no, no, no. Stop right there. Stop right there. I might shit. I might shit. Once they tell you you have to shit, then you have to start pounding their ass.

And playing with that little monkey, you get that clit and you work it like a little fucking, like a squeegee boy. You just keep that monkey. And you keep pounding that ass. And a woman's actually suffering. Not always. Not suffering, but she's making weird noises

that she wouldn't fucking use them. You're either really suffering or it feels awesome, but it's hard to tell the difference from the sound. Well, if you got two fingers in your pussy and I'm working and I'm pulling your hair. I'm creating diversions. It's like I'm throwing a bomb over there. That's the key.

That is the key. When you fuck somebody in the ass, you got to, if you just fuck them in the ass, you like, you like it, baby. Oh, yeah,

I love it. I grew up all. It was in my high school yearbook. I can't wait to get fucked in the ass. Nobody likes getting fucked on the ass. It's true. No, you like it,

but here's the problem. If a girl lets you fuck her in the ass without lube and tells you it feels good, she's lying. Like, it does not feel good. If a guy puts even like two or three fingers in there without lube. It doesn't feel. You have to lube it. You have to. I didn't know this. She

looped it. Yeah. I put it in. It was drama. And then you come and the come comes out like chocolate milk. It's like you who like light chocolate milk because it mixed up with some ass that was in there. And at the end of the night, I goes, was this all worth it? Like she came on. There was no eye contact for an hour? You know, was it really worth fucking somebody in the ass. So I never really did it unless a woman said, stick it in there, fucking big boy. Interesting. And then you give them a stabbing in the ass. And again, it wasn't my main thing. I'd rather lick your ass and finger you and play with you and then

pop it into your pussy and then want to mop the nut, pull it out, slap it into your mouth. You could taste that pussy and shoot that hot jizz in your mouth. That's a party. Women love that. That's true. And they'll suck it dry and then they'll start all over again. So that cock is back of the tension, you flip them over, and you take boogie-woogie to town. Bucky-wogie. No, but you're totally right, honestly. The problem is the ass is limiting.

Because once it's in there, you can't put it anywhere else safely. Oh, no. I sound like such a prude now. I love you to death. You're my girl. I put it in your ass. I'm popping it after I come, put it in your mouth. You're tasting what I'm tasting.

You can't do that. Who said? Wait, how are you tasting? How are you tasting? Your tongue is it in as deep as you're, dick. Right. You're not tasting what's on the end of your dick. Not me. You're the one that wanted it in the ass. You're tasting. You're tasting what I'm tasting. No, no, no, no, no. I tasted your ass, oh. I licked it from behind. Yeah, but you tasted the edge. Now I jizzed in there,

and now I'm popping it out. It's halfway at attention. No. And you got a popping in your mouth. I can't do that. I can't do that. I mean, I'm scared. That's how you get COVID. No, you don't. No, you don't. That's how you avoid. Listen, that's how you're point COVID. I can have 20 Chinese people cough on me. I can eat an asshole. No COVID. It disintegrates.

It breaks down the barrier. It goes into your throat. And it just bubbles like out of yourself. It's like putting fucking asshole juice. It's like putting... Emergency. What's that stuff you put on peroxide? How do you do it?

It just bubbles. It just bubbles out of your ass. You see it. You wipe it and there's the COVID. That's it. Nobody knows nothing. It's so gross. But I don't know.

It just all free. But stuff just freaks me out. I haven't bang somebody in the ass in 30 years. So it's been since about the 90s when I lived in Boulder. That was the last time I haven't. The 90s? Yeah, when I lived in Boulder.

Holy shit. That's when I, you know, that's when I was doing Coke to the level where women tell you, like the exorcist, put it in my ass. And you know, and you're like,

really? I need this. And then I heard, and then I had a friend of mine. I didn't tell them about my experiences, but he was telling me that, he fucked the girl only ass with me

and she shit out of his bed It happened I couldn't stop shitting Oh I've never heard that That's when listen That's when I stab you I put the blanket around you I put

I put it up like a burrito I take that shit And I put it on your fingerprints So I can't identify you And I drop you off over One off the 170 up there Oh Joey You can't shit on my bed

That's disrespect I mean Even Jesus will kill you Sometimes I don't think that's true I think Jesus will forgive you You can't shit on my bed a man's bed. I heard that this chick took a tremendous shit.

Really? As soon as he took, he was banging something, and his dick was getting smaller. And finally, she just saw something brown. He was getting smaller. He's like, what's going on? And she's like, oh, my God, that dick made my ass want a shit. I don't know. So wait.

So why is it better to be on your dick than on your bed? I'd rather have it on my bed than on my dick. No way. What are you talking about? You can rinse your dick. You want somebody to drop a turd on your bed. No, but I don't want it to be. on my body. But your body

you can wash easily. I can throw away that sheet or burn that bed until my dick is always going to be my dick. You're going to that night change all the sheets after you fuck. You haven't even, have you even eaten an ass yet? No. Well, kind of. Kind of. I did look at ass with George. Oh, that's right.

Strip club, I forgot. He sucked the cork, which isn't the same thing. That's what I'm saying. It's better. You don't get the whole flavor. Yeah, you got to put it in your mouth and chew it like a gum breaker. She had her butt plug in on stage I looked. That's it? You didn't even so you didn't eat an ass. You looked a buckled?

I looked around in the ball. Yeah. It was an area. I still don't. I'm so disappointed that we've gone through a whole quarantine and you haven't eaten one ass. He believes it. No, honestly, I can't. He has not nut. He didn't gain weight. He's just backed up with sperm. He's backed up with sperm. He gained 60 pounds of sperm. Lee, what the fuck? Have you fucked

during quarantine? No. No one. No. And I beg him every day. Call this one. Call this one. Call that one. Call him no shit. You got to call three a day and eventually we want to crack. You don't trust it? You don't trust it? Don't you trust. What's going to happen to you get COVID? You're going to go down for four days and you'll be all right.

I don't know. I mean, his health is like he takes a hit of a drink. Imagine him on FaceTime. I'm telling him I'll be all right. I'll be back in three days. They got him with a ventilator and another line coming in from in and out, Burger. I mean. Just little shakes and stuff.

Honestly, this is the easiest time to get laid in history. He's been scared. I've been begging them to pull the trigger. First of all, you told me you'd kill me if I got COVID. That's an expression. If you get COVID, I'm not going to kill you. I'm always in here at the hospital. And they'll put it in this COVID.

I'll shoot this chemical I got that in your toe. If you get COVID, call me because I just want to get it over with, wouldn't that be great to just have it and then you, not you. You can get it again. Are you sure? Yes. How do they know? Because people have gotten it twice.

They have? Yeah. People have gotten it twice? I don't know that. You don't want to talk to those people ever again. If you know somebody who got COVID twice, you take that motherfucker out of your phone and you put COVID block on there

with two syringes. When he calls, the call goes directly to the COVID Institute. I haven't even opened Tinder. I haven't done shit. Are you sure this is true that people have gotten COVID twice? Are you sure? There's people saying it.

I feel like I don't know what's true and what's not because there's so, it's like only been around for not even a year, right? And like there's so many stories and every news outlet reports something different and I don't know what's political and what's real. Like, I'm not, I'm not questioning it. I have no fucking idea.

All I know is this. Kate, all I know is if somebody was to have it. Yeah. You should have got it. I should have it. I should have it. Nashville. Yep. Phoenix.

Minneapolis. Totally. You went around. So I don't know how you protected yourself. I agree. The alcohol has a health issue. The alcohol. Open that door a little bit.

Once you said Phoenix, now you got to open it a little bit more. I think it's the air I think if you're in an open air space You're okay But she wasn't an open air space She was inside in Phoenix I mean And she was inside in Minneapolis

I might have had it though Like that's what I can't figure out Because okay here's what I don't get Like do you remember around like February Right before this A lot of comics were sick Like I had to cancel a show I remember Monarch canceled a show

We had tons of people call. In fact, the last night I was at the comedy store that you were there, somebody canceled because Dean Del Rey went up. So he came in and went up. So, like, I kind of wondered if, because how do we not all catch it? We all share microphones. I mean, it started months before in China. So, yeah, some people, you can get the test to see if you had the antibodies.

I know, but it's 50%, they say, so you don't even know. I took the blood test, and they said that the blood test is good, but you got swab the mouth and the nose because they're respiratory. symptoms. Yeah, I did the nose one. It wasn't that bad. It was annoying, but. Yeah. I wanted, my thing is just like, it's so weird traveling because. I wouldn't do it. Literally, but here's what's weird is like, we live in California. I go to Phoenix. I drove, because they asked me to. They were like, don't fly because of COVID. So I drove. The whole way across California, you can't pee. There's no public restrooms in California at gas stations, truck stops,

anywhere. Denny's, you can get food, you can't pee. So I had to keep peeing in parking lots, car washes, wherever I could find. Then you get to Phoenix and like every bar is packed, the pools are packed. It's like it doesn't make sense because everything's different or even airport to airport. Some airports are hand dryers, some are paper towels. Like I don't understand what. How will the airports look in today? I mean, my last two flights were half full, maybe a little less than half.

Like most people didn't have a whole row But they had like a seat between Masks You gotta wear one to get on You don't have to keep it on But most people do But then they still serve water and chips No real food or drinks, no alcohol

Really? Yeah, that's what's so bizarre Is like you can take your mask off to drink water But not alcohol So like in some ways Okay, this I'm not like this is like Not to be a conspiracy theorist but I kind of feel like all the billionaires are going to come out way on top.

Because you go to any restaurant anywhere in the country right now, and they give you a QR code to scan for a menu. And they say it so you don't have to touch it. But then you can order online. So it's like they're going to cut servers. And then they're not serving anything on the planes because COVID, but they'll give you water and chips. Like what's the fucking difference between a drink and a cup of water?

It's like it feels like they're trying to get rid of employees. Like that's how. I really feel like the people at the top, like the top, not even 1%, like half of 1% will be even richer and everybody else will be unemployed. I have a buddy who does, it's called Distressed Restructuring. That's what he calls it. And he said like 75% of the small businesses aren't going to reopen. He told me that at the beginning. And everything that's staying open are the big chains.

Everything else is closed, all the small things. Yeah. And I mean, I'm not like, don't get me wrong. Like, my mom has lupus and my whole family is, like, autoimmune pretty much. So I can't go home. My mom would die if she got it. But, like, so I know it's a real thing, but it's just, it doesn't make any sense how it's, like, different from state. It just makes no sense.

It's political on both sides. Like, in Massachusetts, because I call my mom, if I go back to Massachusetts, I have to get a hotel room for two weeks. Right. Although if I don't, they charge me $500 a day. But what if the hotel fucking maid has it? And she just touches the towel. There's no housekeeping. There's no room service.

There's room service in some states. That's what's weird. And there's no more coffee stands. I know. Lobbies. You're right. And that destroys me. Except some, the last place I was, I was in Nashville.

They had it behind the counter. So, like, you could ask the desk clerk for a coffee. but you can't get it's just it's just weird like you know what's funny every airport has different standards but you know the one thing that's universal you can use a water fountain

at every airport which to me it seems like the dirtiest thing I don't even use what do you use water fountains at the airport that's so gross you bring your own water yeah but there's people in line to use the water fountain still so it's like

I mean it's transferred through liquid I don't know all I know is you can't catch it from sex now let me ask you this I know you have a boyfriend now I was I was genuinely wondering this if you went on a if you went on an app would you like just be like listen

we're fucking but we're not kissing like that's I don't know if I'd kiss somebody right now I would fuck them but I don't think I'd kiss them well before the boyfriend I dated a little when this first because we got shut down March 13th or 12th or something like me and him weren't together together

for a little while I'd kiss him if we were dating, but if I met someone at a bar, I wouldn't kiss him that night, I don't think. Well, I wouldn't meet anyone at a bar because there's no bar. But although there's restaurants, I guess you're right. I went out with a guy. I did a lot of COVID dating, which is like someone sends you food and you FaceTime while you eat it. It was awesome. It was awesome.

One guy sent me boa, a steak. Your face is hilarious. See, this is what would have happened to me if I tried to date, just buying a girl on steak, and getting a thank you. I mean, Kate, I knew you were down. Everybody was down. I know. Fears were up, tensions were up.

I was so depressed, Joey. And we all found different ways to cope with them. You know, I have a wife. I got a family. I thought about all the single people. I was miserable. At 9 o'clock at night, my mind would go into hell. And I would think about Dean and Lee and Steve Simone and you and fucking, you know, people who live by themselves all day.

It was rough. Because, yeah, in the daytime, you could take a ride to the post office, and you could stop by the corner and yell at somebody. That's what I do. You know, 7 o'clock is when a comic comes to life. That's what it was. Once you do comedy for five or six years, at 6 o'clock, if you're a comic, While you're eating dinner, something happens to you. People start talking to you and you don't hear their words

because you're thinking about your 8.30 spot and your 10.30 spot. Then you find your quiet place. And like nothing bothers me more when I go into the bedroom before a set. I tell my wife, I've got to go to comedy store. And she's like, oh, okay. And I go into, I lay out my clothes, I put my socks on, out. I lay my underwear and my shirt Once I jump in that shower

That whole process is getting me ready Yeah Okay once I go in the shower Dog, if you come in there with a piece of pussy I wouldn't get a heart on Because I am thinking so much about comedy And how I'm gonna do tonight And I'm gonna try this joke first at the airtime

You're excited You get such excitement This time my wife are coming and go Before you leave, don't forget And I'm like, what? Like, I don't even hear you. Yeah. Because I am so deep in my thoughts.

Like, you ever come on a shower and forget to brush your teeth because you were so deep in your thoughts. Not exactly. You forgot to scrub your ears. Yeah. Or wash your hair twice or three times. Yeah. Like, I do that all the time. Like, God damn it.

I didn't loof of my asshole. You know, I got to go back in there now because I was thinking about. Cut another sponge. I'm thinking about what I'm doing. Yeah. I'm thinking about the drive to the store, the improv. the theater in Chicago. You know, once six o'clock comes,

when you're a comic, I don't understand if people know what happens to you. But it's like if you guys are going to your job. They don't know. It's like having a job. No, we're no special to anybody else. I know. If you're a plumber and in the morning,

you're like, I have a new construction job today. I'm fucking excited. Quit your job. If you're an electrician and you're like, man, I'm going to do some saddles today at work, something different. You quit your job. If you wake up in the morning, you're like, man,

I can't wait to put that partition up and put that thing up. You mean if you don't feel that way, if you don't feel that way, put your job. I agree. But I think there's a difference between being excited and, like, not saying you're nervous, but like, it's like, to me it's like going to a big meeting. Like that's what it would be similar to. You're preparing mentally. Yeah.

It's like going through the motions. It's kind of like an athlete. But I do it for everything. Yeah. You do it for everything. Yeah. Okay. When you go to the AT&T store, for me, it's Sprint.

When I go to the Sprint store, I look at those people and I go, first off, I always give them 10 stars. Because they put up with shit, you've never even heard them. Okay, I've sat there a thousand times. Not now. Now my phone looks like got run over by a truck. Because I'm on the COVID fucking plan. You don't want to go in there. It's true.

Because you know there's COVID in there like a motherfucker. That's why I'm wearing a hat tonight, seven inches of roots. I'm like, when can I get this done? So, you know, you want to go in there and do the phone. You ever go into that place and somebody really, really takes care of you? Yeah. Like you're like, I don't have my pen and she's like, hold on. Boom, boom.

And all of a sudden she starts hitting numbers and she's like, what phone do you want this? Also, she goes, this one of them to do is save you $14 on this. Just get this package. And you feel like. Amazed. Amaze. Like if somebody's doing their fucking job. Yep.

That person goes to work every day to help people. Now, no disrespect to nobody. That cunt that came on TV. TV and I'm crying, the nurse, and said, I didn't sign up with this. Listen, I'm sorry. You took an oath. Yeah, you did. When I sit here with you and I go, I think I'm going to become a nurse.

And then I get down and somebody goes, all right, your first job is the clean assholes. You never even thought about that as a nurse. No. But if you want to get the Section A, you got to go to Mr. McGillicuddy, who's built like me, pull them to the side. You smell my farts, pick up my leg, put a bucket under there. Talk to me while I shit and then wipe my fucking ass. Takes a certain type of individual.

Oh, yeah. I care. We have a gay friend, Eric. He was working at our old folks home during this. There was nights I talked to him that he was just getting home at midnight. He was supposed to get off at 7. Oh, yeah. And he wasn't flying around sucking dicks.

He told me in his heart that he was putting, he was making sure those patients were taken care of correctly. You know, the guy from Boston this week, some doctor of COVID died, a 40-something-year-old doctor died. They're putting their life on the line. My stepsister, she works at a nursing home, well, senior care facility. And, like, she works her day. And then at the end, she hangs out with the COVID patients that are, like, critical. Because they have no one. They're alone.

She can put on a hazmat suit and hang out with that. They're no one. Yeah. They got the new face time, man. COVID face time. Is that true? Yeah. If you got COVID, you're fucking...

Shut up, you're not serious. And all your cousins join them. And they sing songs on face. Joe. They sing songs. Kumbaya, my Lord. That's all right. There's a frame.

There's a border. There's always that one nephew. Uncle Joe, am I going to get the piano? Am I going to get the piano? He's on the ventilator. Oh, my God. I haven't fucking even paid for it yet. You're taking me the fucking piano.

It is crazy. The whole thing is fucking weird. I can't even talk about it because it's become like, it's become the new, like, Democrat-Republican. Like, you can't talk about it rationally. Okay, listen, we got to remove the politics from it, for starters. We should. Because this is a human being thing.

So I, from my world, as soon as people start talking about politics, you lose me. Yeah. Because people are dying. There's no politics involved here. this is bullshit. This is people. I don't know what's going on. Politics are people trying to save people

and making a situation better. It's so frustrating. You know, right now, politics is at a level that it's scum. It's scum what's going on right now. So aside from that, let's not get caught up in that. Let's get caught up in what's in front of us, which is people are dying, people are getting exposed,

some people want to wear a mask, some people don't want to wear a mask. And you worry about yourself. All you could do is yourself. People are furious at me. Why? They're saying that black and white have attacked me again after I said it. You know, I hate.

No, I don't hate it. It was a punchline for me for years. Anybody who heard me say it, say, knows that I do it for a laugh. But anybody who knows my voice and listens to me and knows my soul, knows that I have black influences. I've been very, very black influences. There's people who have said to me, man, I listened to the podcast,

and until I saw your picture, I thought you were black. And people are mad at me because I say that we shouldn't use the word no more. Black or white. The other word. Yeah, I agree. Because if a black person says it, it gives a power to a white person.

You know, right now you have a dated guy. Yeah. And every time you've been winning for two years, he's a sweetheart. Yeah. He's got good dick. I've never had that. He's got good family. For two years.

He's got a job. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But every day, every day, it's a deliver. Every day. A flat, he left his phone at the house. He ran over his phone. Yeah, I agree. His phone.

I agree. You know, and you tolerate it for a while until one day, I don't know what the point is of this story. What the fuck would go? I know what you're saying. You're like the N word is like that. Yeah. So if it causes so much problem. Get rid of it.

If it causes so much fucking problem. If you say it, it causes problem. If you say it, I feel uneasy. If she said, then just, I'm not saying ban the word. I'm saying. Why I say it? I was saying it to myself. What I could do?

What can you do right now to help the situation? You can help your friends as much as you can. there's people that aren't eating there's people that are struggling Yeah If you don't have money And you know somebody's having a bad day call Yes

Check up on me What's up? Crack a joke Crack a dirty fucking absurd joke Make them giggle Go what are you doing right now You're watching TV Put your mask on Meet me in front of the house

In five minutes I got two joints Yeah You know I can't tell you how much Making people's day That's it That's it

I went totally We went down It was his birthday last Monday I didn't want to leave him alone, so I took up the ride sick was with me. And I felt terrible. I should have got his dick sucked. I should have got him a tranny, something, you know what I'm saying? He's scared.

He's on my list. He's afraid. No, I mean, I trust me. Would you take a blow job? Yes. I'm not offering. The issue with the people he was saying is one person doesn't live in the state anymore, and the other person is someone who...

It doesn't matter. You ever hooked up with a crazy person? I just don't... Have I ever hooked up with a crazy? I am. Look at her. Are you kidding me? Look at it.

When you look up crazy, it's her and tell her boyfriend, smile. All right. Look. It's her and tell her boyfriend's like. Yeah, pretty much. It's at the point where, like I told him, I said I'd rather not get a blow a job than call that person. That's insane. I know, yeah.

It's not good. Well, I've had guys turn me down for being crazy. But I'm not crazy anymore. I'm healed. Look. Back to me what you were saying. Wait, but actually, I want to say something about what you were saying because, because, because, My best friend growing up was black.

My boyfriend now is black. And like, I have never, my best friend growing up, she was Miss Ohio. She's gorgeous, black girl. She's married to a white guy. They have a son. The son is super light skin. He's almost like border albino. Like he's so light.

They had to teach him not to say the N word because he looks white. His blonde hair. If he says it in the wrong crowd, he could get his ass kicked. But also, I have never heard her say it my whole life. and I've known her since I was 12. Like, she doesn't like the word for the reason you're saying. And my boyfriend, he doesn't really say it either unless he's, like, rapping to a song on the radio or something. But, like, he doesn't say it at all.

And not there's, I mean, obviously, like, if you're black, it's up to you, obviously, like my friend Jackson says it, like some guys say it. But I do agree that it can create, like once I felt entrapped into saying it, I was dating a black guy. actually this is hilarious. I was dating a black guy. I never heard him say it when we were dating for like, I don't know, three or four months. He never said it once.

Then when we were breaking up, he said, you're the one who told N words who blah, blah, blah. And I was like, I don't know any N words. I texted it. And I texted it in quotes. And I wrote A-Z,

because you know, you can't say ER. And that's not what he said. But my point was, I was trying to say, I don't know any because I don't use that word. Like, I hate that word.

But he was like, I can't believe you wrote that. I can't believe you. Like, he was so mad. And I was like, I was entrapped. Like, I've never said it. But like you entrapped. And it was like a huge fight. So I just think, I mean, white people should never say it.

But yeah, what's the reason? It does give the word power. It drives me crazy. I love Biggie. I love the 10 crack commandments and all that stuff. I listen to that stuff, and he's dropping it. And I'm like, I'm singing along. Yeah, I guess you can't do that.

I've been told you can't do that. I heard you can't do that. Warning is one of my favorite songs. I'm singing along, and I'm catching myself saying it, but it's not in that context. So, you know, I'm all fucked up over it. People got pissed at me. Anybody who knows me knows what my heart is, so fuck it.

You know what? I still got an Afro pick. If I moved to a fucking, if I moved to a, humidity area wait till you see my hair this gel descentigrates in humidity I like that my Jew comes back my black Jew please tell me you have an Afro pick please grow your Jew back I've always saved an afro pick for real yeah it was such a part of my life I saved it I saved it you stick it in leave it there you got to grow up that I used to when I was a kid oh my God and I would go to Harlem I would stick it in there I'll put it in my back pocket why not you put it in your back pocket you can still

see the black hand coming out. There's a hand on it? Yeah, black power. I never saw the hand on one. It's an Afro pick. Yeah. With black power. I never saw that.

Oh, that's cool. So I grew up in the Harlem 68, 69, and that was the idea. I'm black and I'm proud, black power. So for you to go into Harlem, you had to be a white dude with an Afro pick. Hilarious. Black power, all the black colors, the black green and the, What were the black colors? Green, yellow.

I didn't know that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Back then. How far? I was like an African flag or something. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Black, green and yellow or red or something, something.

So when I was a kid, it was completely different. Yeah. When you went to Harlem. But when you went to Harlem, you also, it was like going to a museum. It was back in the days. You got to learn. It was different. You really got to see, that was my thing on it.

Like, I went to Harlem and was treated like a gentleman. I know kids. who went to Harlem and got beat up. Really? But it was your body language. How you walked in Harlem. If you walked into Harlem, by the time you get the fifth, sixth avenue down there, if you got attitude by like 4th Avenue, you're going to get lit up.

And then you stumble into fucking Spanish Harlem. And then you stumble into Italian part of Harlem because all those Harlem's, that's where Fat Tony Salerno's gangster fucking thing was. He was like 123. I'm not, you know, whatever social club. The Italian guy? Yeah, he's a gangster. But around the corner, all the black numbers.

Yeah. And Puerto Rican and Cuban numbers. It's like prison. It's like prison. No, it's not like prison. So at the end of the day, everybody had a paid fat Tony to do work in that area. So, but beside that, I mean, I had a history lesson. Like, I could tell you thousands of stories that I learned and where I learned my,

appreciation for African Americans was walking on that street. And this was different then. Tensions weren't high because everybody knew where they stood. You know what, Kate, three years ago, you didn't like me. And three years ago, I didn't like you.

Let's keep it that way. We're not going to war. We're not going to say hello, goodbye to each other. Yeah. But we're just going to keep it that way. And that's what it felt like. We kept ourselves you keep to yourself

and everybody gets their feelings hurt. You're right. It's changed. It's changed now. There's more tension. A lot of tension. And, you know, people say to me, well, Choy, you should go on the road.

I'd love to go on the road. And I would wear a mask, and I would drive, and I would do a thousand things. It's not that that I'm scared of. I'm scared of the tension in the air. Yeah. I'm scared of Lee going up and somebody going, shut up, you fucking Jew.

You know, because that's what. What's going on? You see what Felipe posted today? What? At the Harrog Hotel and Casino, there was like eight people fighting. Where? Just in the casino. Where?

Vegas? Yeah. I honestly think people are, because of the money thing, and I honestly think a lot of people aren't feeling a lot of love right now. No. I mean, a lot of stress in the air. I've lived in my neighborhood for four years. My neighborhood is so diverse.

Have you been to my house? I can't remember. No. It's like literally, my building's mostly Asian. The next one's African. I mean African, African. and not just black. The next one's Middle Eastern.

The liquor store is black dudes. It's really diverse. Not a lot of white people. You go a few blocks up. There's white people. But like, I never had any issues. Because I,

you know me. I smile and everyone. I say hi to everybody. I say, it can be like a homeless guy peeing. I'm like, what's up, bro? Like,

I don't care. But like, now I've had some people start to be mean to me for no reason. And they're never white people. So it makes me feel like there's more racial tension.

Like, I've had people, like get the fuck out of our neighborhood and it's it's making me move. Asian you're telling you. Black guys. No, I've never had an Asian.

No, my building's Asian but there's a lot of like black guys, Mexican guys, Middle Eastern guys. Like I had some black like high school age kids follow me one night. Like follow me two blocks. Be like, what's up bitch? Get out of our fucking neighbor. And I'm not saying obviously like not all black

but it's definitely never happened before this. So I feel like White people, like the people who are racist now are more vocally racist, and the people who are pissed about that are more vocal too. And there's a lot of people in the middle, like, who aren't racist like us, but like you're like, well, but I look like this. So you're the enemy to some people, you know? It's a weird time, man. Like I posted, okay, during quarantine, right when all the riots started, the protests, right? You know, everybody was posting about the protest and I did for a couple weeks. And then I was like, okay, it's time to, somebody has

all that was being posted was protest stuff. And I was like, I just want there to be a break in it. So I posted one day a selfie, but I was outside my apartment building and there was a construction guy who always comes out when I take selfies, like the building manager, the maintenance guy, he always comes out. Anytime he sees me taking a selfie, like comes and stands around and watches. So I posted it and I just put a funny caption. And everybody was like, thanks for posting something different. But one black girl got really mad at me. She was like, this is insensitive.

We're mourning the loss of our people to police brutality. And I was like, I get it, but there has to be something else. Social media has really taken a turn. Oh, totally. It's over. We use to reconnect with friends and to be a platform for us to giggle and just say things for one another out, you are looking at a different world.

I agree. People are not appreciative no more. People get mad if you're fine. I was posting the movie of the day for a while. Oh yeah, I liked that. I was getting tortured. Really? Yeah.

This movie sucks? No, not like that. You know, you got to do this and you have to do this movie. What about the sound of me? Like, just, you know. Sound to me. It was just everything you did that you thought was to help people Was you would get 50 complaints and then I tweeted one thing and I got tortured

I tweeted something else that was just about to you know I'm here with a gun waiting for the looters to kick in Do you an old paranoid fuck? It's people like you that are ruined in this country all for protecting my seven-year-old with a gun When there's a riot going on at the Sherman Oaks gallery. It's you know Yeah, it's just so I started a Patreon. I saw that. A dollar. What is it? What do you put on it?

You know what I put on it, man? I give you a warning wake-up video. I say shit to you. I sign it up. You know, they have little things that you could do like options, like your voice. Yeah. And you could just do a 10-minute podcast if you want on the day. You know, it's whatever you want it.

Yeah. You could, I take songs and I take. tell them what they mean to me, how I connected with those songs, the lyrics. I put pictures of my friends up. Oh, shit, I'm getting on it. I wanted to give them something different than a podcast. I wanted to give them what I thought about every day. Personal, yeah.

And as I learn more options, I'll do more, you know. Yeah. Like, I got, okay, every week I tell you the blunder of the week. The what? The blunder. Your blunder? Yeah, I got it. Oh, how you fuck up?

Yeah, I got it. I fuck up every week. Me too. So I get this weed. It is stronger than debt. Oh, God. I only smoke in the morning. Fucking Whitaker's on.

I miss Gusterson. I watch Abe Lincoln against George Washington. You know, Nogera. Nogara against Shogun. And then I watch Whitaker and whatever. All right. And I went inside. I did a bong under this weed.

This guy dropped it off. He called me and he goes, I got to give you some of this until I grew. Oh, shit. like fucking, it's like, and he only gave me like two joints, three joints. He goes, this is all I got for you now. But before you leave, I'm going to give you a pound of this. He goes, this is going to be the strongest strain I've ever put together. And it's right in your name, but it's an indica.

So I put it in front of the heater during the fight. I went out there and I rolled a joint. Uh-oh. I took the camera from fucking, I went on Patreon. got the camera, you know, push the button that makes the flip. Okay. And I started doing my thing.

What's up, cocks suckers? Sitting here, bored on the Saturday night. Yeah. When the joints down to a roach, I realized I didn't turn the video on. Oh, wow. Okay? This is the shit I do, okay?

So now I got to roll another joint because I can't let them down. Oh, my God. So I rolled another joint. Oh, my God. I am fucking gone. I got three edibles in me. I am fucking gone.

gone and now I got to burn this other joint not really this time I gotta do it you commit and I did that the video fucking worked this time but it wouldn't download Patreon

that's the thing you gotta do it on your computer it's hard from your phone no no I did on the computer I did it on my iPad Oh I did it on my iPad so yeah I spoke the whole joint I did the best video I ever did to find out it wasn't even

been turned done. Well, I did that with my last podcast. That's how stupid I am. I don't know if you know that notice, but every six minutes, especially when I'm high, I do this, I'm only turning around just to make sure it's recording. Is it? Yeah, it's recording.

I've only done that once, and luckily it wasn't on this podcast, but it's that happens, but especially when you're high. But you know what I think it is, dude? Have you gotten a lot of hate on your Patreon? Oh. No. I've noticed a lot of the hate I've gotten recently I go to their page and they're not even following me.

Oh yeah, of course. So I think what it is is if if you can build your own thing the people who actually like you aren't the ones hating you. Like there's people who just go around to hate and they're not the pun of them following. If you want to pay a dollar to hate me? Oh yeah. Please do. That's what I say.

That's why I did a dollar. You should do another level of Patreon worth like 10 bucks a month and it's only for haters. I would charge 20 bucks a lot. That's hilarious to hate. And you post the hate whatever you want. That's a great idea. all your racist stuff towards Spanish people bring it out

I know you're living in an apartment with 20 cockroaches you know I would love that let's do a hate trion I would have people fucking send hate you know just let it out if that's what it means for you to be a better person

yeah man let it out you know what this sounds cheesy to say but that's the reason I think I connect with the guy that I'm seeing because I feel like I connect with anybody in this business who gets kind of like made fun of or like shit on a little extra i connect with that i really do like everybody i love in the business has a struggle or has like that was weird there's a ghost in here has a struggle or has like just time it on the side whatever it's fine has something

going on show i don't have covid i'm positive but uh yeah because i feel like that it's like if you're different at all, you think outside the box, people hate. But they help you. Because in like really real talk, they boost your algorithm with their comments. Like every mean comment is one more person who sees your post because it boosts your post. So in the end, they're helping you make money. It's, uh, it's really crazy. I not, you know what? I used to feed into it now. I have, I have, I have, I have to have, I have 20% on my Facebook that definitely have mental health. Oh, for sure.

And Twitter, mental health. I get some emails on Facebook that are very scary. And then they come back and go, sorry about all that. I went off my medication. Me too. Are you serious? I had a stalker. I had a stalker.

Sorry about that. I was on a bender. Holy shit. Sorry about that I was really drunk when I wrote this last night. I get that all the time. I won't answer them back. because I know there's a reason. Nobody just, there's no reason for me to open up an email

on Facebook Messenger or Facebook and have pure hate. I don't even answer it or I'll give them a thumbs up. Then two days later, they'll roll back and go, hey, man, I went off my medication. I don't really feel that way. I just wanted to attack you because you didn't play. You shook me all night long with D or some shit. You know, it's really weird.

Or the other way. I'll get like three, Kate, you're the best. Kate, you're so funny. Kate, I love you on the church. Go suck a fucking dick, you hurt. Like, the next one is so mean. I saw something with you on Facebook about two months ago where somebody went after you.

And I went to his public message. And I go, hey, man, get it together. I love you, Jerry. If you don't like something, you know, I'm from the school. If you don't like it, turn it off. I don't like San Night Live. I've never had liked it.

That doesn't mean I'm going to get on the Yelp page and write a paragraph. Right? Me neither. I'm not going to make somebody feel bad if I don't like that product. Unless they ask me to try to force it down my throat. No, I don't want to be a Scientologist. You know what I'm saying?

No, I don't want to do it. No, I don't give a fuck if Joe, I don't give a fuck about Martian meat. I don't give a fuck about Martian meat. Yeah, that's a new thing. Is that real? Yeah. Martian? They just captured them.

What do you think they did with the meat? That meat that tastes funny? There's no more lizard meat. Alien meat. Now it's marching meat. Look at Lee. Look at me going, oh my God. What? I think I had some. Yes, you did.

I'm sure. I do love how no one's talking about that, by the way. What's that? I know. They admitted that there were aliens and everyone just showed, got pissed off. They're like, we'll get to this later. Like, they admitted that we have UFO. You know what? And guess what? Nobody cares about UFOs now. We've known about 50 fucking years. We've told you we've seen them.

You denied them. You've played games with us. You know, like I told Florentine. here one time. The highest place to see was where I took you. That hotel and Edgewater, that we stay that in Jersey. Wait. The weekend you went back to me, George, and all that.

That's the number one place to see satellites in the country is the New York Skyline. Satellites or UFO? UFOs. I wonder if they go to New York. They fly. Of course they do. They fly. People see shit all through those buildings. Dude, I probably fuck the alien in New York. You don't know

what they look like. They can have people skin. on. There's a lot of fucking weirdos in New York. I feel like some of them were at our table at that Chinese choice. What have you fucked an alien? I hope I fucked the alien. Do you know how offended I would be if aliens were here and I haven't fuck

want? Like none of them. I haven't been abducted yet. What the fuck? I'm a specimen. I want to know if any guy has taken you serious about the boyfriend because I haven't announced it till this really. When I was rocking a rowing, like if I came up to you and said,

kid I got an eight ball. You're coming back to the hotel with me. You'd say, yeah. On the way there, you'd say, hold on, let me call my boyfriend. And I'd tell you, put the phone down. Forget the boyfriend's done tonight. He's fired. I just filed the fucking motion. He's not going to know another bite until 6 in the morning.

You know? I know. Has anybody called you and tried to hook up with you? Of course. And you said to lots of people. I got a boyfriend. Yeah, I just it's the easiest thing. I really did. Yeah. In fact, this is funny. This is actually how we became a couple. He won't care if I tell us. Right at the beginning of this, like we were talking a lot, we were really like talking every night.

And then there was one night, he was out, I was out. We both, we hadn't talked in a few hours, which sounds crazy, but like we've been texting every like couple hours, right? We hadn't talked. And a guy hit me up who I've gone out with before, but not hooked up with. And I like had a crush on this guy. Like, I would have gone out with him again. So he hit me up and said, hey, if you're in the neighborhood, I'm having a party at my spot.

I got a bunch of people coming over. We're getting Somali. It's going to be a good time. You should come through. And I was like, man, I'd love to. But I knew this dude was going to FaceTime me or call me or something. And I didn't want to lie. So I just told the other guy, I was like, I started seeing this guy.

And I really, I think it's kind of serious for it's not. But like, I feel weird about doing it. And he was like, oh, you're in love. like, I don't know what it is, but I just, I think we should like wait a week or two and see what happens. And then I go home that night and he facetimes me and he tells me a story about how he went to a dinner that night and he was like a solo guy at a couple's dinner and his friend had brought a girl for him and he didn't know it was going to happen and she wanted to go home with them. And he was like, uh, I'm kind of talking to this girl. I really, so that's how

we ended up not seeing other people was because we ended up both turning down sex. Like, it's like crazy for me. You'll tell your grandkids one day. Yeah, so it was like just by accident. But honestly, I've avoided situations where I'd be tempted. Like, there's been a night or two. We've had a fight. Maybe like, you know, who, you know who hits me up or somebody hits me up.

And I would normally go, but I've just been not going. Because I know I'm weak. So I stay home. At least you're honest, man. How do you, how is his love change you in a way? What are you thinking? Is it, does it, is it taken away from your comedy a little bit? I worry about that.

But there's a lot of jokes about him, but I can't say who, but like, there's a lot of material there. I just can't do it. You know, it's so funny because I've been here a long time. Yeah. And I see the evolution of women. A girl getting to comedy, 23, 24, best piece of ass. You know, in her best time. She's beautiful.

and she does comedy she gets a special road the whole thing and then maybe she'll date a comic for a year and that doesn't work out and then one day you bump into her and she's like I met a guy and it's like completely

different from her world maybe he's a writer maybe he's an electrician on a set you know and then I hate to say this and this is the only I'm scared. It's not a knock I have for women.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's not a knock whatsoever, but guess what? Your ovaries come calling. Oh, hell, no. I'm not having kids. Women's ovaries. This guy's snipped. Come calling.

No. I don't care. I'll give you my sperm and you can put it in there with a syringe. You'll still have a bad. I don't want a kid. They'll still have an afro and, you know, you just tell them whatever you need. But my point is it's so weird that I've seen, and I can tell you my name, but it's nobody's business.

Yeah. I've seen tons of women. I have to. Be great for, give it fucking hard. And then their ovaries come calling. Love comes calling. And stand up is now number two.

And it should be because your child is number one. I don't want a kid. But I will tell you, like, I changed a little bit of how he's behaving just because he has a kid. And I haven't met the kid or anything. But like, if his kid is following me,

on social media. I don't want to have my ass out. You know, so I've been a little different. But the cool thing is, like, this guy's done what he wants already with his career. Like, he'll do more, but he's like, he wants me to succeed.

So, like, now I can still do whatever I want. Like, this tour, he hates it. He doesn't hate it, but he doesn't want me really staying at truck stops and camping. And, like, I was going to invite my fans, like, for $1,000, you can camp at my site. And he was like, please. Your girls have the worst ideas.

What the hell? I need money, dude. I know he has money, but I won't take his money. That's one of my least favorite parts about dating is when the girl's like, yeah, I'm just going to go camping across the country, and you care about them. And you don't want to, like, you're not really angry, but you care about them and they say something like that. And you're just like, and then you get mad when he gets mad. I'm not mad, but like, I can camp, you know. What is this camping thing fucking started?

August 1st. And what is it go from? Okay. So what we're doing is going from here to Nashville, but we're stopping a bunch of locations like Utah, Estes Park, the Rockies. I might do, I'm trying to do a comedy work show, like a one night. They're open. Yeah, they're open.

Are they open? Yeah, but I mean. It's not downtown. The other one? The other one. I don't know. The west side's outside. I'm not sure.

But then we're going to New Mexico, Oklahoma City, Ozark, Memphis, Nashville. And I'm going to do the Hollywood Pool Bar, at truck stops. TA is going to like pay for all our gas and give us like food and showers. So I'll do that there and interview truck drivers. And it'll be a pay-per-view live stream.

So for like five bucks you can watch for a little more, you can engage. You need to do a video from the truck stop showers. Those have to be disgusting. No, they're amazing. Are they really? You never showered at a truck stop? No.

Dude, they're so clean. No, it's like a hotel. Are they really? Yeah. Those guys cabs like I've slept in a 18 wheeler the cab is like a hotel room not quite as big but yeah Wow they're dope I had no idea yeah I'm excited and then we're gonna camp at K oAs So it's every other night truck stop K-OA truck stop KOA I'm just worried about I'm worried about you you know there's a lot of Like I said there's no COVID it's more

unsettling of the air Yeah. So I just want you to promise this you'll be careful. I will. Bring the gun. I don't have a gun. Can you put one of those things on your pussy like they did in the old days with a lock? Oh, a chastity valve?

Yeah, I can do that. You buy it. I'll do it. No, no, we'll look it up online. Well, duct tape it. A little chastity belt, your asshole will cover that too. Let's look it up. And then see if we get your chastity belt.

She's not going to shit for a week. Just in case 10 fucking truckers rip your pants off on the site. I don't think that's going to happen. And fucking they go to fucking a little monkey. And then we'll put like a throat block in here too. Joey, no. Like a little goalie net in your mouth. So they can't put their dick all the way.

A goalie net? It's just over here. That's hilarious. You can just suck on it like this. That's so funny. Like a little gray in dick. No, I'm going to have a hockey, like a hockey mask that's covered. For real.

They can't get in. It's going to be covered with netting for COVID. And truck drivers, no fucking ears. So you got to put like five of the ears. Because they'll put the cotton ride in. Those drug drivers don't give a fuck. They do meth. They do.

They don't fucking in the armpit. They don't give a fuck. It's going to be very safe. But I don't have no long hair on the armpits because they'll double it up. There's no coming your elbow fucking stuff. You never got tem? No, you ever came in your elbows? That's a good deal.

When your arm stick together like this for an hour. You're like hands up. What happened? It's like titty fucking an arm. No, I have not. I had that. No, I'm. bringing a follow car with two people to shoot.

And actually like one person, the reason I'm doing it is because I'm working with a company that sells, like basically event ticketing for digital now that we're there. But I don't want to do stand up that way personally. Can I ask you a question. Yeah. Are you going to take a lead from the president? All the governors are going to bring a deaf person with you to do the translation?

They're all busy. You know what? I've never seen more fucking deaf translators haven't worked this long since fucking 1922. And they're the worst. I don't even know what the fuck they're saying. Dude, I love the deaf translators. Listen. They're fun.

You don't speak exactly. No. No, I love it. No, you're making noises and faces with her face. And now one of them is attractive. Not one of those fucking... No, shh. Don't say that.

I'm telling you. This is your next trend. Listen to me. Not one of those fucking people are. Yes, they are. A fucking hand doing anybody. Even deaf people are like, what the fuck are they saying? They're doing things like this, like fucking land.

They're never deaf. It does seem. unfair like you know i know what about blind people what about if you're they can't hear you all right they can't see you how come it's always got to be for fucking deaf people my phone has blind translation what about a deaf person with a dog that's what i want to see you've seen that hand signals with a dog where's the safety dog where's the safety dog where's the safety dog she's deaf where's the dog i don't know man i only know is i i have not seen any safety It's flying.

Nothing pisses me off in these speeches. And then something, yeah, Garcetti gave a speech and he had like plan B. Like they had a switch, like time out. And another deaf guy came out like from ringing the bell. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Because Garcetti will give me an ear beating.

I don't know. The lady was like, fuck you. I'm done. My fingers are. I've burned 18 calories. I've been doing this. How great would it be to learn sign language just enough to get hired for one speech and then just do whatever the fuck you?

Do your whole, like... How great would it be if you had a comedy school? And you got to, like, either you became a comic or you became a fucking... Deaf translator. Listen, can I talk to you for a second? I don't watch some of your comedy shows, and you really don't got it.

But I think you got something for deaf people. If you don't talk, you can really be entertaining. Why are you looking directly at me? You're a great talk. No, no, no. Light your eyebrows on fire. You know, shit like that. That'll work.

That'll work. No, I'm not laughing. Have you seen the videos of the translators who don't know what they're doing. They don't. None of them do. That's what I'm saying. That's what I'm saying.

Learn enough to get hired and then do whatever you want. That's people at home going, I don't know what this fucking COVID. What's COVID? You ever see the chubby black chick with the big glasses? She's the worst. Who? She's the worst. The chubby black chick with the glasses.

She talks or signs? Signs. She's the worst. She's like the chick from the white hair chick. You should wear a mask. What's the fucking? I don't know. I don't watch any of the politics shit.

No, it's not politics. It's on a world news tonight. You're the only one who watches the news, Joe. I think you're literally the only person left. I watch six and six-thirty. I want to know what's going on in my area. I want to know. I want to know what's going on nationwide,

even though I know they're bullshit. I don't know shit. I know they're bullshit in me. I don't know who's telling you. What you really have to do is go on three channels and make a hypothesis. But guess what? I don't have that type of time. So what I assume was people are getting sick,

people are dying. What can I do? Not hang out in big crowds. I talk to dirty people. If I smell COVID, turn around. If I smell COVID. Yeah, you can smell it. I went somewhere yesterday and I smelt it with the mask. Shut up. That was your own fart you smelled at Trader Joe's. I'm not going to say where I went yesterday. But I'll give you a hint that was in Burbank and I walked in with the mask and they had all the doors shut and the air had that warm to it where COVID breeds. And they're walking around with no fucking mask on. What? Where's this at?

Come on. I'm not going to say it. I'm not going to say it's pretty fucking bad. I just know this. I know that. I know that. Listen, I was thinking of stop in this podcast when COVID hit. No.

Yes, because I couldn't live with myself. I quit it. If somebody came in here and got sick, it's not for me. I don't have that type of, 10 years ago I would have sprayed COVID in your eye. I don't give a fuck. I would have put it in your drink. But now I have a wife. COVID would have been the least of our problems with you.

I snorted COVID. You know what I'm saying? Like fucking COVID. COVID is dick. I would have rubbed it on my balls and pissed it in your face. I would have packed the palate in my dick. And when I come, it would hit your pellet. And it blow up with COVID.

Then the cum would come over it and really activate it. I believe you. Like promosalca. Like after salsa. You know what I'm saying? So I'm really petrified of that. I would love to go out and do comedy. But guess what?

Even social distancing comedy, I'm not into doing it. I don't want to put that many people together. I have nothing that important to fucking say. No. Okay, I really don't. If I don't get two weeks of proper training before Salt Lake City,

wise guys, you're not going to be good anyway. No, I'm not going to be good. Why don't want to let people see me in my worst situation? Yes, I could be entertaining. I could. No, it's hard to be.

But I'm not going to be $25 worth entertaining. And I'm not going to be $35 worth entertaining. So why are we going to do this? I'd rather take my time off, move, get my life together, get my family situated, let Lee go see his family, let Lee decide what he wants to do. And somewhere along that, where I'm going, comedy open up, and I'll start right back. I'm so excited about restarting. Me too. I'm going to go by the Judy Carter book.

No, wait. I have it. I'll give it to you. I'm going to go buy it. I'm going to read it from scratch. And I'm going to just do and fall in love with it. I get that. Like three months just to fall in love with it. No gigs. Just no responsibility. Yeah.

Kay, you're doing a room tonight? Yeah. Swing by and do 10. I'll let you close it. I'll give you a hundred. I don't even want it. Yeah. Let me just come down and do the 10. Just to build up again, build some good credibility with karma. You know, get that good comedy karma. Got to. Help out some people and some rooms.

Yeah. And then go back on the road. But where I think I'm going to move, I'm access to 20 comedy clubs without taking a fucking plane. So I could drive to a lot of stuff. So I'm very excited about that. I'm excited for you. I'm excited about the second, you know, like you always, I'm going back to law school. I'm going to do it right this time.

Yep. I already went for 29 years. I've been lingering at law school, like hanging on to people. and talking to people and asking questions. Now, I'm going to do comedy how we want to do it. I might switch from being dirty. Fuck it, why not? I might become John Mulaney.

I would love that. You're a next Jim Gaffigant. I have so many opportunities. Hot pockets. I'll talk about hot pockets and lighten bacon and how I give bacon to Jews on purpose. I'm out there giving out bacon to Jews. I don't give a fuck, Jack.

Who else can we offend? Yeah, you know, I have. I wonder if there's a different style. I wonder if I've been watching a lot of Lenny Bruce lately. And I'm going back to like, I like that 60s. He calls everybody a cat, see? That's so funny. I ran to this cat, see.

And he was pretty cool, you see. I like that, like that rhythm he had. He had like a jazz to his stand-up. Nobody has that anymore. I love Leddyverse. We all have Netflix comedy now. We all are Netflix comics now. We don't have that jazz to us.

Yeah. relaxation that I'm eliminating all that. I'm taking all that out of my life. So it's over. Now I'm going to be better than ever. I'll tell you, those shows I did, the weekends I did, like it was the most fun I've had in so long. Because you can't do your old shit.

You can't go on stage to be like, oh, Tinder. It's not irrelevant. It's like you have to talk about now, but you don't have time to build all new materials. So like it was really fun to just go up. And like I got new bits just out of, of what's happening right now being angry. I really know my opening bid is going to be.

Yeah. Who's got toilet paper left? You know? What was the toilet paper for? People are dying and you're buying toilet paper. Can anybody give me the fucking logic behind that? It's so fucking dumb. The toilet paper was gone.

Nobody said nothing about toilet paper. I didn't stock up. I stocked about baby wipes, tampons, and, uh... You should have seen the gun spots in Burbank. Yeah. Oh, I saw. Oh, no. I saw.

I drove by one day. They go, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. No, dude, it's crazy. It's scary. We have people are buying guns, and it's a disease. I can see if we were getting attacked. Yeah, but my neighborhood, people were, like, it was scary.

I heard you tell me that you saw a naked guy with a Fidelman. Inel Castro mask, riding down Hollywood Boulevard at, like, one in the morning, on a bicycle in the middle of the road. Naked. That's when it's time to pack up your bag. You know what? Yeah. Something is not right.

Yeah, but you know, I feel like in a way that, like for me, I mean, you remember, I told you before this, I was burnt out on the dating shit. I was feeling a little just like I wanted to change it up. And then this happened. And then now it's forced me to come up with other things. So now I've got like a whole new plan for like digital stuff. But if this hadn't happened, I would just kept doing the same shit. And now it's like, I.

feel like my life's going the way it's supposed to be. Like this elevate, and I feel like a lot of people, you know, we all sat around depressed at the beginning. I fucking drank. And it's funny, like you were saying, like, you're tweeting all night. I probably didn't sleep for a week. Like, I was, I was alone. All my friends who have families didn't want to hang. I had like two people to see.

I have a friend with HIV who was not afraid because he thinks whatever he's taking for that is keeping him. Well, the COVID people, only only 4% have been affected. Then they haven't. People with HIV. Yeah. It's been really low. Yeah. I think HIV topples COVID.

Get out of you. It does. Yeah, whatever they're taking for the HIV. In fact, it was funny at one point. It was like, do you want to just take my stuff? I was like, no. I'm going to. Okay.

But. Yeah. But I was like, I was just really depressed. But I was also then after about four weeks of that, I was like, okay. Maybe this is like whatever higher power there. whatever's out there is like, hey, you've been wanting to start fresh. Here it is. And that's why I didn't do my podcast for a while because I was like,

I really was falling in love with this guy. And I was like, I don't want to fuck it up. Like every time I talk about a guy in my podcast, it ruins it. And I couldn't have guests. And I think Zoom is weird. So I was just like, you know, just going to take a break and not feel guilty about it and get my shit together. You know what, man, I think when I'm in home last,

Actually, they shoot the Sopranos when it started hitting me how monotonous my life was out of here. Yeah. What? It was so revolved around work and not going to a restaurant with my buddies anymore and just going, give me the fucking menu. Right? When I went home, I realized that my friends go out every night. Yeah. At 9.30, they're looking at their clocks.

They're like, ooh, it's getting late, and that's fine. 55. Yeah. But for two hours, we sat there, we ate, we talked. And I did that every night. I would go over, I'd take the ferry over. And I'm like, you know what? I think this is what I miss.

Me too. You know, I was doing two podcasts a week or three shows at the store, or two podcasts a week and a weekend at a club or two places and two different nights. Now, I didn't get into comedy to sit at home. No. But it felt like comedy had just, I was disenfranchised. With comedy since I shot the Netflix special.

Yeah, I felt that. When I came back from Vegas, I was disenchanted completely. If it was up to me, I would have fired everybody and started from scratch. Yeah. I took a little sabbatical. I dedicated myself to the store. Yep. God, that new shit was fire, though.

Your stuff that you were doing after that was so funny. No, no, no, I didn't give a fuck no more. I know. It was amazing. You really couldn't do nothing to me. I didn't really want to be on Netflix. I didn't want to be on HBO. I didn't want to be on Amazon.

You're having fun. I'm having fun. You know what? I'll get somebody. I'll pay somebody 50 bucks. Fucking tape me for 10 minutes. Put it on YouTube. That's just as good as an HBO special these days.

Just as good. It is. It is. Just as good as an HBO special. More people have YouTube. Yeah. More people have fucking YouTube. So it's like I just, I've accepted what's common.

And that's what a lot of people have to do. And I said the other day. I spoke to three people. I'm not going to say what that name. names are there powerful people in Hollywood. One guy FaceTime me because something's going on with his phone. And he wouldn't make eye contact me on the FaceTime. He kept rubbing his head and telling me what's going on.

And then I go, oh, sit out and look at me for a second. He goes, what's up? I go, first off, you're telling me about everything that's going on wrong with your life. Let me take a minute and tell you all the good things you did with your life. Yeah. You did this, you did this, you did this, you did this, you did this. When I go to this comedy club, I see your name on the wall. So before you take yourself into this deep hole, it's not worth it,

because we're blaming each other. We're blaming ourselves for some of them. This wouldn't happen if I worked for my father. You just gave me a child. You didn't want to be an editor. Sorry. If I was an editor, I would have a job now. I would be an old.

No, you wouldn't. You'd be editing from the fucking out. You know, like, people really don't know what they have. So before you start following. God, that's true. What do they call that, wallowing? Wallowing. Wallowing.

That's what it's called. Wallowing and self-pity about your fucking $1,200 check, about your fucking $300 unemployment that they've got to cut. I want you to take that time, and I want you to, this is a time to reevaluate. Yeah. Look at the things you have done. You went to college on your own nickel.

you paid your loans on your own nickel. You know what, man? So unemployment's giving you 1,800, and your rent is 1,600, and your car payments $3.50. We got a problem here, but it's not a big problem. Guess what?

You know what? What are you going to do? Watch narcos on Netflix, swipe it. That's $80 a year right there. That water you're drinking from the thing? So fucking real. Get fucking without water.

You drink out of water growing up. Dude. You fucking moron? Listen, drink fountain water. You know what? Cut out coupons like grandma does. Yeah. Cut it out.

You know what? I started wearing 99-cent store makeup. Yeah. There's things you can cut out. Yeah, man. I still look good. I got a fucking awesome. You cannot live the regular life you will live it.

You're going to sacrifice some stuff. You're going to sacrifice some stuff. And that's fine. You're going to realize you're going to look at me when they go, Joey. I got rid of Netflix. Well, something that surprised me when I moved out here is I thought it was just up, you know? I thought like, you started out low, but then you just kept making more money and more money. Oh, hell.

That was good. Yeah, like, and just because you go down for a little bit, you're going to go, like, it's going to go back up again. Like, I was an idiot. I don't know. I just thought you would just keep going up, and that's how it was. But sometimes you don't have a job for a little bit. And L.A., like California gets a lot of hate. I don't, I'm not leaving California.

because I hate California. I'm not leaving California. I love California. L.A. L.A. is, it feels like a business trip to me. You like, you said like, you don't have, I have friends that I met at work, but they live 15 miles away. And in a normal city, that would be fine.

But here, that's an hour and a half each way. And you just don't see each other. Yeah. And, yeah. And people here, it's just, this is, you come here to do business. And I think what I realized is, I did, I have a good run. You're not done, dude. No, I'm not done, but I worked on a few cool TV shows.

I worked, I did this. No, listen, listen, you have to tell yourself, like, you did more than 99% of the people who come here the minute you get paid the first time for stepping on the stage. That's what I tell myself when I get down when I'm like, I don't have the Netflix special. I don't have an HBO. But, like, okay, but I've gotten paid to play clubs, theaters, had a TV show. You win when you get paid the first time. I won the thing I'll never forget in there and I owe it all I owe a lot to Joey but that me doing the Wilbur and I could go home and work it. It was weird when I was going to college, I went to buy a laptop and the guy at the Apple store was like, oh, I did video editing in LA for a little bit.

I worked in a couple shows and now I'm back here. Yeah. He's working at the Apple store. And when I was 18, I was like, that's never going to happen to me. He's a loser. He's working at the Apple store. And now I'm like, you have different parts. your life. Maybe he's happy on the

Apple's door. Also, that's the thing. Like, maybe he is happy. Like, I've had, I really believe, like, there's been moments that I know I could have taken something that would make me, like, bigger, but I didn't want it. Like, sometimes it's okay.

Like, I don't know, I love doing comedy. I like making people happy. Do I want to be famous? Not really. Like, famous is hard as shit. It's very hard. And people assume you're rich, you're famous, people assume, you know, I applied for food stamps when this started. Because like, I never got unemployment.

I applied twice. The first time I applied wrong, the second time I applied right. And then ever since then, it's been like trying to merge the two accounts. Doesn't matter. I applied for food stamps. I couldn't get them. Like I was qualified, but I couldn't get both times at an appointment. No one called me.

Then I called. They said they have to call you back. And it was like, if, like, really. realistically, it's just, when you're in this business, it's like what you said. People think you get a TV show, you make it. And it's not. It's like, but, but I've also learned that none of that matters. But what is making it?

That's it. Money isn't making it? What is making it? I think making it is. Making it money is making it. What do you think it is? I think it's peace. You know what?

It's peace and it's making it is, I'm never going to be. Dave Chappelle. I'm never going to be Kevin Hart. I'm never going to be Bill Burr. Do you care? But if I cut out just a little part I can have my own little piece of the pie. I can care. Who takes the rest? I just

always wanted my own little piece of the pie. If you think 15 years ago, I'd tell you today stand up. I'd be in this position. I love you, Joey. I would be lying to you. I don't want to be Dave Chappelle. I never claim to be Chappelle or Bill Burr or Logan or Kevin

But you are as Russell Peter, funny as all that. Doesn't really matter. Funny doesn't matter. It's how you come across to that audience. There's people that are horrible. There's people that are horrible and go from TV show to TV show.

They've been on more shows that have gone down than ever. Those are the guys that get to more work. True. You know, so it's like, I've had to make peace for people the last three months. People have called me and said, hey, I'm thinking of leaving.

what do you think? And I said, you know, you better get the hell out of here. You told me that. I was sad when you told me, when you called me and said you should move, let's go live in Nashville. Yeah. I was like, oh man, Joey thinks I should give up.

No. I know you didn't. I know you didn't not give up. Not give up. I don't want what's going on. Listen, shit rolls downhill. And what's happening in Seattle and Portland, we have those same type of people down here. It's scary. That are ready to go.

So you have to give this six weeks before Hollywood or downtown is looking like Seattle. I got to leave Hollywood yet. Either they're going to take over the federal building in L.A., something has to happen in L.A. Remember, when L.A. catches a cold and sneezes. When L.A. sneezes uphill, everybody catches a cold. shit runs downhill. If shit's going on in Portland, believe it or not, Oregon borders

Los Angeles, California. So, guys, this is going to move downward. And if it's starting in Austin and it connects in Arizona, is this the Civil War we're talking about? It's true. What are we talking about? Armed people walk down Louisville,

all these things are happening. This is a comedy podcast. I'm not telling you these. things to scare you. I'm telling you these things to be aware. To know what your surroundings are, which is the most important thing in life. When you get out of your car from now on, I don't want to see you on your cell phone. You didn't think I'm going to go on your cell phone on the street before. Now if I see you, I pull over and beep at you because there's a thousand videos out there people looking at their cell phone and somebody coming up and punching you in the fucking head.

Yeah. Well, you know me a long time. I've never been scared. And I'm leaving my neighborhood. Before you park your car. Yeah. I want you to take a ride and see if there's anybody behind the tree or anything. Yeah.

There's mental health people going on out there. You know, these people who are getting into arguments that people put on a mask. You see somebody without a mask across the street. Don't yell? You don't know where they came from. What if they haven't gotten their dick sucked? Their wife left them for the Mexican landlord. And they got their house got...

Their house got foreclosed for. It's true. And they're going for a walk to get anxiety, anxiety here, and you go put on a mask. Let's say that guy has a fucking box cutter. You know, he's just, his wife left him for the guy who mowed the lawn. Yeah. His house is foreclosed. His business is gone.

And you're going to tell him to put on a mask. He's worried about a mask. Yeah. That guy's hoping he gets hit by the COVID train. Yeah. He hopes that young, Kim sends him a fucking COVID missile right to his fucking, head, you know what I'm saying? No, but it's true. Like, not to be like Debbie Downer, like, yeah, this is supposed to be funny, but like the statistics for suicide are up.

Yes, they are. Statistics for people being 51-50 are up. So like, you have to check on your friends. Like people, this is, you know, in prison, it's a punishment to be in solitary confinement. That's basically what we're telling people to do is like if you're you, you haven't been hugged, you said since what, March? Yeah, no, but also, I mean, and Joe used to me shit for it. I was pretty much I'm not good at making friends. Like comedy was good for me to make friends. But it's a lot of time in LA is by yourself.

That's true. But you know what? Even before this. That's true. But every time I saw you, I gave you a hug. Oh, yeah. And like, people need to be touched. Like, like, babies who aren't touched. It's like, there are statistics you can read about babies who aren't touched. You become criminals because, like, the psychosis of being touch is important. feel loved soon. So you're saying the Me Too

thing is over. Yeah. Touch it. You're good. Can I come out from jumping behind the bush? Man, that shit. I think it is over, man. I think everything's over.

Rose McGowan said something to this. She's fucking out of it. Okay, quickly, where can they find these dates? I just want to say, I love you. I love you too. I love you. I love you. I love you know my heart.

I'm so happy you found love. Yeah. knew for a long time that that was a gap in your heart. Everybody you met was a piece of shit. I know. And again, you got to suck a thousand dicks before right dick comes. Dude, it's so funny I came in here. And Joey said you got to suck a thousand dicks to find a prince.

And I was like, I tweeted that last week. This is why we have like, you're just, you're my spirit animal. How many have pussies that I eat before I ate the right pussy? You tell me. 20,000. 20,000. That's why if you swab my mouth with the, if you do the fucking,

the COVID test in my mouth, just pregnant. It's just going to come up assholes. Like, listen, you don't have COVID. You have like an asshole growing in your, who's the guy who said he got throat cancer from eating pussy? Michael.

Yeah. And I feel different. I think it's good for his throat grancet. No, it is. Pussy, you got to hear me sing the next day. I'm like, Tom Jones. It's not unusual to me. Make love to anyone.

That's awesome. No, it's real. Where can they find you, Kate Quigman? You guys can find me on social media. You know. Where these tours are going to be at? But the website is tixar.com, T-I-X-R. So the whole tour will be on there.

If you want to watch it, it'll be on there. It'll also be on my YouTube at Keith K-Q-K-K-Fine. She's also going to put a camera in her tent. And that's a special $10. Shut up, Joe. You see her up grass and put little bras on. He's right. Also, I bought a water bottle that you can pee into and filter it and drink it.

That's $100, Joe. That's $100. You see a holiday and express? And listen to me, if you drink it, if you drink her piss. That's a continental breakfast. If you drink her piss from the camping trip, I'll give you two cash and enter you in the contest along with Lee to who takes a fart in the face with Lee. So Lee doesn't have to do it alone. That's how we're going to end the podcast.

I got the chick I'm, she's eating as we speak. I went over and bought like four dollars with the groceries, marshmallows. What are you talking about? I have an African-American woman who weighs about $4.80. What? She's going to come here on camera and farting leaves mouth. Now? Not tonight.

Oh. I'm like, I'm staying. This has been going on for seven years. I put a bib on his shirt. The whole thing. I'm going to put a bib on him. He calls me every other day with like a new idea. I'm going to give an anti-dariah maga.

Just he has a little bit. A diarrhea. Don't do that. Let her diary write his face. I'm making him a millionaire. I'm his manager. This guy fucking couldn't manage himself. Yeah, but you always say I'm going to be a millionaire and then you say the first one's for free. You have to eat ass. You can't leave town without him. One ass, can we please set it up? I will pay for it. What will do is this? I'm not doing a hooker ass. The first one is just a fart to the face, okay?

And that's it. And then you get some latch. You get a half a million. You get a million views, you get some t-shirts made. I'm a million dollars. I surprised a fart to the face. You know, that's the name of the website. I've survived the fart for the face. Watch him get. He's gonna, he's gonna get the flu.

He's not writing this down because he's a cocks sucker. I'm not getting farted in the face. Will you please eat nats? I will get you a hot chick. And then we're gonna do a pay-per-view event. We're like, you know, like, people get fucked up by chubby chicks and shit. Like, you've got a chubby chick the zip line.

And you gotta eat your mouth like this. And she just lands with a pussy in your mouth and if you catch a pubic hair you win $100, whatever. How about this? I'll start it only fans and it's $200 a month. And all you do is eat ass. Sure. Yes. $200 is cheap. That's too much.

No, it's too much for it. Because we're not going to get you. Each person is too much. Biggly looking bitches. I'm going to get you ayahuasca looking bitches. With broken hips recovering from fucking allergies. They just got shot in the leg in Vietnam. One of those bitches. Just now?

Just now. The assholes kind of bad. Throw women. Dad throw inmates. You ever see like when the asshole drags? What, what do you mean drag? You haven't seen that? Yo. I'm going to get you one of those.

Oh, God. How's an asshole drag? Don't wait a butt. You got to know. You're never going to know. If you don't know, you're never eating the ass. Because I'm going to give you like a selection of asses. I got it all planned out.

Yeah, but none of them sound good. It sounds like fucking the worst. It's going to be great. I'll throw a few hot ones in the mix. Let me taste. The highest content of vitamin C. A lot of people. It's true.

And ginger. And ginger. You'll be fine. I'm really ginger. Anyway, forget about Lee getting fought in the face. The church is brought to you by Draft Kings. All right. NBA, MLB, if they don't have fucking COVID,

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By the end of the season, they're going to have five guys on the point. The most players are still alive. Three on one, two on the other one. The one that's got three, got a broken elbow. That's why they're letting them play. But COVID, don't let them heal. At the end, by November, it's going to be three guys on the court. All right, so what we're gonna do is this whether you want baseball

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call 1-800 the suicide number. But let me tell you something, cock-suckers. If you ain't suicidal and you ain't got a gambling problem, download the Draft King Sportsbook app now and use code church and fuck it if you're dying your own money who gives a fuck they can't search you from the grave what are you John Wayne

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What's it called? What's the thing? Church. Yeah. Download Draft King's Sportsbook now and use code church. And the Draft King Sportsbook app and use code code church. All right. Draft King.

That's the sports book of the United States. Only New Jersey, Indiana, and Pennsylvania. The church is also brought to you by my personal favorite honor. When it comes to supplements, fucking tremendous. Alpha brain, shroom tech, immune and sport. How about fucking new mood? Put you the fuck out. Dean Del Rey fell in love with it.

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Bam. C-H-U-R-C-H. And I'm going to give you 10% off on your first daughter. You're not going to get there anyone else like me. Uncle Joey calls and says, hey, my people are going to call, take care of them, put a sticker in there and do something. All right.

I love you guys. I want to thank the beautiful and talented. I love you. And next time we'll see us, you'll be married. No, no, no, no. So if you want to get your dicks up, get the roofie pills out now. There's Kate's still available, but not really.

And where do they go for your dates? I love you. You guys can just go to Katequigley.com or all my social media. Okay, and Lee, I love you, cocksucker. Let me do it. And you guys, I'll see you Monday. Don't forget we're on Spotify.

I also want to give a shout out to my little brother. His father got me into comedy. The sheet metal workers of 104. My man Jimmy Jr. Handy up there. Running fucking things. And don't forget, Patreon.com slash Joey Diaz, a dollar. That's it.

I want a dollar. That's it. Don't send no more a dollar. And we'll get the party started from there. Maybe in a month we'll start doing fucking One joint videos I'll whack offy I'll shave my fucking asshole hair

I'll shoot a bow and arrow at your mother You know me I'll do anything for a dollar I love you guys Have a great weekend Lee kick this motherfucker meal Tarzan