The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #809 - Joey Diaz: The Importance of Family

Episode Date: August 3, 2020

Joey Diaz updates everyone on his and Lee's moving plans, explains why he made the decision he made, why family is so important to him, and he and Lee reminisce about some of their favorite podcast moments.    This podcast is brought to you by:   DraftKings - Download DraftKings Sportsbook now and use code CHURCH to get $1000 sign up bonus.     CBD Lion - For all of your CBD needs, from shatter to gummies, go to www.CBDLion.com and use code CHURCH for 20% off.   

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Monday cocksuckers. This is the year. Wake the fuck up. We're going in like fucking Marines. You understand me? Welcome to church, motherfucker. The third August. I know a lot of you guys are hurting.

That's why Uncle Joey's here. Never fear with his fucking trusted sidekick, the flying Jew, aka the Christkiller, aka fucking mush, Mr. Lee Syatt. What's happening, you bad motherfuckers of Monday morning? I know a lot of you is a...

It's a rough week. Benefits got cut off. You know, we talked about this back in March, not to depend on this, that this was going to fuck with you. So they just took another $2,400 for me, and there's nothing you could do about it. You know, some people moving with their families.

There's a lot of moving trucks this weekend in California. I mean, a lot in my neighborhood. So it's an onslaught. But anyway, we're here and we're fucking queer. Another great week on the church. Today we're going to talk to you about a couple things. There's going to be a fast one today. No drama.

It's fucking Monday. You got shit to do. You got people to call. and you got to straighten out your fucking life right now because this COVID thing is taken over and it's setting a mark. I think they're going to close up a couple states this week. We might get closed up.

So my heart goes out to all the families and my friends that are in need and just going through a rough back. And trust me, it's not you alone. Everybody's going through this shit. I talk to a thousand people a day and everybody's got a different fucking situation and this shit just keeps on piling.

So please, do not. do anything drastic. Do not put this burden on yourself. Do not beat yourself up. This is just another part of growing up. And that's all. And that's that. The main topics today is that we are leaving.

We're going to do the month of April, the month of August, the church of what's happened now, myself and Lee. Got some guests lined up. And then Lee's going to Milwaukee to work for a month. And he's going on for the winter. spent Passover with mom, whatever, some Jew holidays,

eat some shitty crackers, get some lasagna, take care of himself, and hopefully we reconnect again maybe in January or February. I wanted Lee to go out in his life. It's time for Lee to. I've had him held up here for two days a week for eight years, and it's time for him and I to fucking get the fuck out of Dodge, you know? Well, I mean, I'm excited for the future. It's an exciting time.

But, I mean, you say held up. It's, uh, I can't say thank to you and to everyone listening. It's, I feel like I've grown up the past nine years here. So it's, I never felt held back or, or anything, but you know what? It's, uh, all this stuff. Everyone says, it's scary. And it is, I, I am scared, but it's also very exciting. There's a lot of possibilities.

It's scary. And exciting it to say, and this is what I told everybody in March. I said, listen, now is the time that you're going to get to think. You're going to think about who you are, how you became you, what it takes to be you, and you're going to ask yourself, what is worth it? I mean, it's been five months for me. What's today's day? The second?

The third, I think. Tomorrow is, today is five months since I've been on stage. Wow. Okay, you know, and I know a lot of you guys, hey, I was a mechanic for 30 years. I know. We're all feeling it. 29 years and today's five months without getting on stage. And I probably will be canceling the Salt Lake City because I won't be in the area anymore.

So we're set to leave towards the end of August. I'm going back to New Jersey. I'm moving. I got a house up in North Jersey. You know, my decision was based on one thing. I mean, Lee, I got to be honest for you. And for the people listening, I felt really shitty the last four or five days. I felt really shitty about one thing that, you know, the church, our motto is, and everybody's motto is, you know, it's a cliche, you know, when people say that the tough get going, what's that?

When the going gets tough, yeah, when the going gets tough, you know. Well, what am I doing? I'm turning around and leaving. And it feels douchey. of me. That's why I explained to both you, Steve Simone, and Dean Devere that I wasn't leaving here without you. You know, you're leaving. I'm not leaving you here. Like, there's no way you would talk me into staying here because I know there's going to be repercussions and I don't want to have to call you, mom. You and I both know your streets are mess at night. My streets are mess at night.

I mean, we live in nice areas, guys. I mean, what do you mean nice? Rebelly Hills? No. But we live in a nice enough area not to see what we've seen the last two months. And yesterday I was at a play date with my daughter and another little girl and their parents and social distancing, you know, mask on. We were the only people at the park. And one guy came out of the trees. You got to see this guys. He just walked up to us and sat there.

So right away, I'm thinking this guy wants a picture. I don't say nothing. My wife turns to him and goes, can I help you? And he goes, what time is? my wife goes whatever whatever time it is then he stood there like a fucking dozum bots like for three more minutes and he goes can i use your phone and my wife goes no you got to go and i told the guy you got to go he goes i got a meeting at 1115 at this place i don't know where it is and i want to look it up i go we got no internet connection where the fucking park you know where are you looking

for he goes i got to meet a space corpse or something like that What the fuck are you talking about? He came out of the trees. Then he walked back into the trees. The kids are playing, and he goes and sits on the bench next to the kids. I need this. Now I got to walk to the car and get the fucking gun. I tell my wife, keep your eye on him.

I tell the other dad, walk over there. I'm going to walk to the car. I didn't tell him what I was getting. I went and got the fucking gun. I sat down. I didn't bother nobody. And I did. even listen to me my wife handled it because I didn't I didn't the way I was going to handle it

wasn't going to be good to be honest I'd be a little bit more scared of your wife I'm like I can handle it I was not even going to get involved the way I feel lately unless it got physical and then I would just shoot them there was no way of looking back I'm not putting up with the shit I'm not putting up I'm too old I'm too old you know I'm an old fucking man I'm not gonna put up with it I got a little kid and then we called my daughter and her friend over We said every time he comes by you, move. And then he finally got it, went back into the bushes.

But this is what you're talking. This is what you, you know, the camp by the park by the house, you know the benches? To are homeless now. Cops came today and talked to him. My wife said the cops came, talk to him and walked away. Cops can't do none.

They can't do nothing to you. They can't do nothing to you. So now we got homeless people at the fucking, the nicest park in the world. So I don't want you guys to think that I'm overreacting or whatever I didn't think of myself this time If this was just me and Terry I'd stay here

I'd wore it out I don't think so But I don't do you I mean I've spoken to 10 diehards And now it's down to like four dieharts You know and I gave Rick Ramo's the advice three months ago So that's what I did to myself last night

I had to give myself the same advice listen you've been here 23 years you did more than you ever expected to do you're gonna go home like a man you're not gonna go home as a junkie I'm not the same person I was when I left I still got my friends intact my friends a freeholder my other friends fucking you know I'm living in an area where I'm 20 minutes from everybody and what am I going to go to studio 54 no but I could still see my friends for 20 minutes. I've been very lonely here the last three years. It's a very lonely place. It's a very lonely place here. You know guys,

you know many times I stared at Facebook over the holidays and saw all you guys getting together with family, 10 people, and fucking night of the seven fishes and all that shit and we're over here eating the shittiest fucking pizza. You know, we're over here eating shit. And listen, I was invited to move to Roe with Rogan. Joe is a fucking sweetheart. He made me an offer I couldn't refuse, to be honestly. If you know Joe, he made me an offer I couldn't refuse. But I didn't, listen, I've been gone from my area since 1993.

To be honest, since 1983. I only went back for nine months in 93. So I've been really gone from 85, except for a nine-month stint and three days a year when I go back to do Gotham and the stress factory. It really wears, like, I've only been gone for 10 years, and it wears on me. Like, I haven't been home for Thanksgiving. I just, I haven't been home. I just, you would ignore it.

Yeah. You put the pain aside. It swept under a carpet. You know, for years it was swept in the carpet. I've been thinking a lot lately of my first 10 years here. They were a fucking struggle. Why would anybody do that? You have to be insane.

I can't, to be honest with you, like, when people talk about living in their car for comedy, and you talked about it, I don't think I, I don't think I like anything enough to live in my car, to be very honest with you. Bro, I loved comedy so much. I sacrificed everything. It was, you know, somebody hit me up on the Patreon about cocaine addiction. I'll they stop doing it since they heard me and stuff. The cocaine addiction, and the cocaine addiction, and they, the comedy addiction were hand in hand. Thank God, the comedy addiction won. Yeah. I was addicted to comedy. Okay, the only way to get good at comedy is to get addicted to comedy.

What does that mean? Hi, we're having a party tonight. Are you coming? No. I forced myself to say no for years. Not for 10 years, not for 15 years, but for 20 years. to 2001, I knew that the only way to get good at this was to say no. You had to dive in head first.

I got so committed to calmly. Listen, if anybody knows me, like Timmy Holloway listens, a couple of kids I grew up with, even when I lived in New York in 93, I walked all day. I was in great shape. I rode a bike on Sundays. I rented a bike and I rode it. I always lifted weights. I had a gym in Guttend, not Guttonburg, in North Bergen, there was a gym on the bottom of a Tunnelia Avenue in 93.

I would walk there from Cliffside, lift weights, walk up the hill, and then take a bus into the city and work. I've always been somewhat of a fucking shape guy. My love for comedy was so strong that I forgot about my health. Between the drugs and the eaten, I forgot about my health. I didn't give a fuck. I pulled in Boulder in 95 I was pulling teeth out with a wrench. You know, you know, times I had bronchitis and I couldn't afford a doctor. You know, they should, but they should have been 10 judgments against me from different hospitals I went to when I was sick.

And I never even thought of paying them. I never saw those places again. Like I never saw those bills again. It was just a nomad life. I committed to a no mad life. to be a really good comic in the beginning, you have to be a nomad. Yeah, eventually you get a girlfriend

and you get some support and they work with you, but you're a fucking nomad. So I've been a nomad until Mercy was born. When Mercy was born, I stopped being a comedy nomad, but now I had no choice. Now I had to attack comedy

from a different perspective as a business. This had become a business now. by 2013 my comedy fun days were over I was involved in a business I was involved in two businesses I was involved in the podcast business which I knew nothing about and I was involved in the comedy business

which I knew a lot about but I didn't know a lot about it and I tell people all the time that you gotta be careful for what you wish for be careful for what you wish for because it might come true before you write that thing down in that fight I want you to think about what you're writing and what comes with it.

Don't just tell me you want to be a lawyer. Tell me why. I want you to know what comes with it. It's 50 hours a week of fucking in the office, 30 hours a week of research. You got to protect a guy that took a kid's eye out with a wrench and then fuck them in the ass and you got to go home with a straight face. You know, are you prepared to do all that? My friend just became a cop, young kid.

he's getting sent, you know, he thought he was going to be in a riot in the car and wave of people and pick up chicks. No, they're sending them to a mental hospital for the first year where they throw shit at you and feces and you have to walk up. You have to wear long sweatshirts and gloves and a hood like a fucking, like a Mexican wrestler because people throw piss at you and shit. Did he really want to be a cop that much? So before you get involved in something, when comedy took over for me in 2013, on top of the podcast, I was overwhelmed, man. I was overwhelmed. And if it wasn't for me learning from Ralphie and Joe Rogan,

I took a little piece from both of them and a little bit of Richard Jenny. And what I saw comics do and what worked for comics, if I didn't watch those two guys as closely as I did, I wouldn't have been here today. Because I knew what Ralphie had to do to live. And every week, when I pull out of that gym on Thursdays, and I was just getting ready to get on a plane Thursday afternoon, I would go, this is what Ralphie should have been doing on Thursdays.

And recovering that night and then doing two shows and coming right back on Sunday. Working out Monday, working out Thursday, walking on Tuesday and Wednesday, whatever fuck you have to do meetings, a podcast, you know, for a while there, I was running rampant. You knew it. I would, what about when we first started? Yeah. We'd meet at 5.30 in the morning and eat edibles and smoke dope.

And then we'd leave there at 9. And I could go to sleep because I was working nights. You'd have to start your day. I'd go start my fucking day and be a dad and have the kid till 10 and then fucking write and then deal with the podcast companies and then the fucking agents. And it was a fucking can. I'm not crying. I'm not crying.

Listen, I did more than I ever expected to do. If I would have left here in 2006 after the longest yard, I would have been happy. If you guys forget, I was quitting comedy. Yeah, right before I came, you said you were going to quit. Went a year before you came. That's crazy. I was just getting ready to go sell cars 200 yards from me at a Ford store.

I went over to the used car department. They hired me. I told them the truth about my background. They didn't give a fuck because the sleazyer they are, the more cars you sell. And I was getting ready to sell cars. I think the crazy thing about L.A. is you're just so busy all the time. You kind of forget what you did.

So, like, that's what I've been thinking about in the last couple weeks is, yeah, we actually did a lot. And, like, you did this, you worked on this. There's nothing to be sad about. Nothing to be sad about. I'm going to miss you. Fuck, yeah. I'm going to miss you to death.

I'm going to miss your calls in the morning, torturing you. I'm sure those are going to be. Calling you at night when you are edible, it's tricking you. you know, all that fun stuff. We found some stars today. Believe it or not, I was cleaning up today and I found 125 milligram stars. How long have they been in there?

How long have they been out of business for? Three or four years. Whenever recreational started in California is when they ended. Two years, and they're still good. You want another one? Fuck it. Why not? Why not?

I'm already going to end up sleeping here tonight. Today I was here with my daughter, my daughter goes, what's that on the floor, Daddy? I go, I don't know. It's a vitamin. It was a fucking, it was a fucking capsule. One of those strong ones is shit. She didn't pick it up or nothing.

I just saw it and swiped that motherfucker up as fast as I could. I mean, yeah, even with this, like we, like, there's so many podcasts that have started and ended since we started ours. That's amazing. I don't know any of them that are still going. There's like barely any. I know people who have started. and ended

fucking 16 podcast and we've still done the one almost 900 episodes between like the live ones how many live ones that we do 20 or 30 of them close 20 at least

and I got 100 with Felicia yeah which I'm starting to bring back also what the fuck you might as well get the whole dictionary from A to Z learn how I went with Felicia from Beauty and the Beast Lee said come over do your own thing, you're crazy, you know, I was gonna do one with Just Lee.

Remember the first time Felicia came over and saw it? She's like, I don't want no pieces. We were crazy. My back office, that was way before my daughter was going to be born. Way before. That was the first office that, like, we hung out. Like, the first, when I first met you, we didn't even do anything for a while. We made it the ha-ha, that crazy lady with the headbandages, tried to suck my dick.

She was a prostitute. You just left me there. And then, like, you would, like, I should. It's a story I always tell, and it's always going to make me smile. One of the first things you had me do is you had me show you how to post a picture on Twitter. Not on your phone, you had a flip phone, I think, on the computer. And I did it, and you said, you're an unadulterated genius. And that was it.

Like, you didn't even know how to post a picture on Twitter. And then we, like, we took bong hits. I turned red that one time because you could put a hash in the bong. We spoke the can. No, no, no. I looked like a can. No, no, we had a can of Coke, and I emptied it, and I made holes in it. The first time you smoked ash, you smoked it out of a can, and you fucking, and you started coughing shit.

Oh, I think that's how I started getting drunk. Your face started getting red. You had to sit down for a minute. You took me to get fried chicken, and I was still fucked up, though, I was just sitting there. Where did we go get fried chicken? Remember there was a place on Lancashem that was there for like six months? It was like a sole food place. Yes.

Yeah. You and your wife took me there, and I was just zoomed out. It's still a chicken place. It's a disgusting chicken place now. And last night they had a COVID circle. They had last night at about 8 o'clock, I drove past there. And I got to tell you something. Yeah, there you go.

There you go. I just tasted it. It's still good. They still got the strength of 10 Martians. I don't even chew it. I just swallowed that motherfucker. Fuck it. 250 milligrams down.

That's it. My nephew came to town this weekend, Nicholas, and I met him here on Tuesday. Lee couldn't make it that day. He had one of his clients. He wanted to meet Lee really bad. He called this morning. He called yesterday morning.

I thought he was leaving. When I called him back last night, you get Jersey okay? He goes, I'm still here. I'm leaving tonight. I'm boarding in two hours. Did he get too fucked up or something? He fucking, I told him not to eat those.

edibles not like that and he popped like two of those capsules the first day i gave him a thing of the the capsules right and i went to uh urban trees and bought them the pills they were the last of the pills they're coming out with a stronger pill this tuesday oh god i'm buying a case of those to take back the jersey with me remember what remember tj english he had he missed his flight Because of the podcast. Oh, my God. Poor T.J. English. It's just been, like I said, you know,

Lee and I sat here and we discussed it one night. All the fucking fun. There was a time this podcast took six hours. Oh, yeah. Six hours. We did the pre one, the pre church. We would meet at six behind the stairs. And you got to see what that office looks like.

Oh, yeah. That looks like fucking, you're going to get shot up there. This was on top of the insurance office. we went through the back it wasn't closed every time I left I thought like I was in a mug walking down those stairs they had like a little Puerto Rican acting class downstairs just a bunch of shitty actors

I sat in the car one night and watched them the coach I looked him up he had been in like a fucking he was like an extra and he was teaching this fucking it was terrible he called me over one day he'd love for you to sign up here I go let me get your information

I wanted his IMDB he fucking booked one thing the fuck out of here with a bunch of poor kids thank god that all these people are leaving because all these scams are going to get re-evaluated now all these big time acting courses and all this shit people are pulling here this is the good thing about what's going on here now this is the revampment of hollywood this is really the revampment of hollywood for anybody who doesn't know it's going to be so tough. It's so tough to shoot right now. I spoke to my buddy

from the voice. They don't even go in every day. They go in just for the shoot. And it is like communist Cuba. They have two the big time shows. Every day I get sagg emails

and they tell me not to work on certain things, which I don't get a call to work on them anyway. They just send you constant. Don't work on this show. Don't work on that show because I did not know this. I thought that you had to get two nurses to put them on this set.

No. You ready? It's like a 72-hour course, like a three-day course that you do online and you get fucking registered and you become a COVID inspector. Oh, boy. So actors are doing it now to have work.

So I thought it was, but those real places like the NBC shows, the CBS shows, they're going to have a nurse on duty. Thank you. They're going to have a nurse and another assistant, like a certified person.

But they're making you stand separate, you know, and if you see what's going on with sports, the bubble does work. You know what? I'm the first one that talked a lot of shit about that fight island. It worked.

It worked. And the NBA, beside the escapees, it's working. It's working. It's work. Okay, baseball is not working because they got to go home every night. They got to travel.

And they got to travel. It's not going to work. Do you know yet how they're going to do school where you're going? In Jersey, where I'm going, I heard there's five districts in Jersey that are going back to school. Hoboken is going back five days a week. You got an option. I feel that's a little extreme. Right.

I feel that's throwing too much spaghetti against the wall for your child. Especially in the winter. So what I'm going to opt for is the three-day, two-day online. Where I'm moving to, I picked, hand-picked because of the school system. Nice. You know, the taxes there go to the school. Not like here that there's a 66 tax on gas that we don't even know about. You know, and it's very shameful when you drive to Hollywood.

now unless you're a fucking retard and you drive down morose you could tell the economic recovery we're 18 months away from economic recovery if there's a vaccine by December we are still another year away from seeing people bumping and jiving yeah taxes are going to go up in California you know these people that sent you these checks they are free They're not free. I don't want none of you people to think that that's $600 each you got a week. That ain't going to be free. So get prepared for the fucking finger up your ass. And I've prepared you about everything so far.

I told you not to depend on unemployment. I told you just to get a job hustling, get your hustles together. Lower your nut. The car, get rid of it. Light it on fire. Who gives a fuck? Blame it on Antifa. You know, just light everything on fire.

Whatever you don't need, guys, listen, when you really evaluate your life, you look at things and you'd be surprised what you go without. I was telling Lee what Weight Watchers is about. Weight Watches is about what do you eat every day? You eat 43 worth of points. We're going to teach you how to lower that to 38 by doing certain things, by not putting ketchup on your fries, by only eating a half of fries, by realizing that you don't need milk in your protein shake. you just need ice and a couple fucking ice cubes and you start cutting points back

you know when I get blue cheese dressing now I just get the dressing no more chunky those chunks are fucking 10 points I was sitting a fucking at a steakhouse eating that chunky blue cheese like it was going out of style there's so many like every day you cut back on something

you know I haven't eaten bacon I've become a Jew I stopped eating fucking bacon which is You've always had bacon. It's five points a day. Wow, yeah. You know, three stripes of bacon is five points a day.

You cut it down to two, it's still three. And you eat it seven times a week. It's 14 slices that's really going towards your heart of 57. Do you need that bacon? I used to eat sunny side up eggs before the fucking thing. I switched it to scrambled eggs and fucking oatmeal. So every day I switch it. It's either scrambled eggs, one piece of toast,

a little bit of butter, or six points for all. oatmeal. That's it. With cinnamon and that's a tivia. What's that shit called? Sevia. That's what the fuck is called. And I'm good. And that's what you're going to have to do with your life. You have to step back from your life, write down your bills, and write down what's going to work and what's not going to work. I'm going to tell you something right now, guys,

and I'm telling you this from experience. At this point, there's nothing on TV. You can turn your cable off. You're just getting depressed. You don't need watch the news. You already know what, you already know that people are dying. You're really, you know, you know all these things. Why do you have to keep telling you that read, go online, read what you have to read and eliminate the other shit. You don't have to hear about 10 guys getting shot. You don't need all that negative shit in your head. Get rid of cable. Get rid of it. Save $80, whatever the fuck of there's a month. You can live on Netflix and Hulu. Either or, pick one, okay? You know, fuck.

and, you know, get cut coupons. Yeah, what about, because you've been packing, too. Isn't it crazy how much stuff we're just thrown away that we didn't need, that I was keeping in my house, that I've moved to eight different apartments that I just don't need at all? Listen, I donated, I didn't, like, I donated the books that I had bought over the years. The gifts from Bob Linguish and other church members, those are people. be those are possessions to me

I packed those all up the rest of the dumb shit I had how to grow weed and all that I put it on the school the school has a little bench and you can put your books there I put the weirdest books there I found money in those books I found hits

of acid I found naked pictures of women in those books women gave me those books were fucking crazy people would give me books at shows about like their authors you know I had a time period there where there was a company that was just sending me books by authors for me to pick an offer they get on the podcast. I can't read a book that fucking fast.

They were sending me 18 books a week. I gave all those away. Shit that I don't even know about it. Navigation and I don't know nothing about that. I don't make a bomb. I don't need that in my life. You know what I'm saying? So I gave all those books out.

All the, you know, Pablo Lingus has given me books that are going to be. and my shelves forever. From Pete Rose to, you know, Cepeda to the pitcher from the Boston Red Sox. I mean, he just knows what's to get me. Roberto Clementi, Bruce Lee books, all those books are in a box. Ready to go. I've been doing something every day. You have to.

Tonight, tonight when I get home, yeah, tonight I'll fucking load the notebooks and shit. I'm going to give you a couple podcast notebooks. And we're going to send some out as gifts to Bob Linguists. and Jay Bichetti and fucking Scott Cunningham and my personal pit bull, Deborah Hubster. I got books from every year all the guests. From 2014 on, yeah, who the sponsors were, what we talked about.

So I got those. I found those. I looked through those and they started crying. You know, I opened it up and it was like the pimp's name, the guy from the fucking thing. He signed a book for me. I don't know if he's it away or not.

I feel weird to have it that book. What's the book? It's the art of the pimp or something and he signed it. You know, I think I got one of those. I think I saved mine. Maybe I should keep it. I felt weird.

He was dead. Out of respect, you might as well keep it. If you ever get AIDS, you can read it when you're in the hospital. Whatever the fuck. You know, there was a couple guests

I had to get Coke from them to get on the show. Oh, yeah. You know, I won't even tell you, like, I had to call a Coke dealer, and the Coke dealer would come over and put it somewhere, and I wouldn't even touch it or look at it. I would trick the people and tell them to come on. I had to give them blow.

I mean, guys, you have no idea that behind the stories and some of these fucking stories out of here. That we've seen that Lee has seen shit that we could sit here for hours and fucking talk about. Lee has seen some creepy fucking shit in here that it's just been a wild ride man it really has and we have nothing to be ashamed of like i said i'm a little upset i'm leaving some good people behind you know brett from subconscious jujitsu coach ann from strength uh whatever my other girl from strength code my other girl from

you know it's it's crazy keena from bully busters my daughter is gonna be so fucking upset. I could see Keita kisses her now every day. Like I'm counting the days. Like it's so, but Mercy wants to go. Mercy's excited. Nice.

You know, man, one day we were here doing a podcast, her and I. And she went into a diatribe, and it fucking broke my insides. Because it realized she was my little girl. She just didn't know what she was saying. You know, we got pimped out at Kofax. This is the school district that we went.

Now, this district over here has a lot of great schools. You've got Oakwood, that's a private school. That's like $44,000 a year, $50,000 a year. For elementary school. For elementary school. You got Campbell Hall, which is $44,000 a year. And there's another private school, Notre Dame Academy in a day. That's got to be, you're kicking in $50,000 a year.

And these people, You're tickle you to debt. Every time they see you, their hand is out at all those private schools. You can't believe you're paying 44. I would not sign up for a $44,000 plan. Because I know 10 kids who went to that school and they're retarded. I know one girl who went to that school and she's not fucking retarded. She's an attorney. But besides that, everybody else is fucking... And plus, how can you just... what half a million dollars more for

yeah I didn't want to do that so for years you know Berkreisha everybody oh wait till she goes to Kofax wait till she goes to Kofax let me tell you something first day I walked in there when she was in the first grade I'm like who went to school here Abe Lincoln the fucking school is old and from the first day they're hitting you for fucking money they're hitting you up for money and you look around and some of the parents are celebrities they don't say nothing

but the first year was great. Mercy had a great time, kindergarten, fucking tremendous teacher. We couldn't shut her the fuck up about the teacher. Spanish lady, sweetheart, I still see her at different supermarkets. You know, we gave her a fucking stake card when she graduated, kindergarten. The teacher was dynamite. First grade, I don't know what the fuck happened over there. I don't know what the fuck happened over there.

My little girl was not that happy. She wasn't talking about school. She's still a happy little girl. But she didn't have that pep in a step she had in kindergarten. Teachers matter at that age a lot. The teacher was not, boy, no, guys. Something was not off there. And then, like, that October, we had to go to a school function.

And, guys, this is way before the Rogan article and all that shit. Nobody said nothing to me. And I sat there with my wife. And then my wife went there for a book sale. And she said that my wife's like, where's, you know, there was like Spanish history? And she goes, where's the Spanish history? And she goes, we put them over there because they don't buy anything. And she goes, you don't realize that my husband's Spanish.

Wow. You know. And then my wife has an African-American couple that the kids good friends with. He heard it. And he goes, I wonder where they put. up where they put our shit and my wife goes, you guys are by the Spanish people

like African American studies are by the Spanish people. So my wife felt it. She didn't say nothing to me. She never said nothing to me. She just felt it a little bit. Again, you know me. I don't give a fuck about systematic racism. They can suck my dick. I'm going to run it till I

run it. You don't like it? Sniff my fucking nuts out. So we're here one day, me and my daughter, we're doing a podcast on whatever the fuck, the ocean, solar system and she goes into this diatribe when we finish in times she sits down and she writes and make her write what she experienced and how she thought she did you know when we get here she has to outline the paperwork it's like an hour the video takes 18 minutes no i got to watch one it was great to see yeah i make a prep it the whole thing and she goes daddy i don't like

fancy people and i go what are you talking about she goes well At the school, she started naming names of kids. And she goes, they're just fancy, and they're not real, and they don't feel authentic, and everything feels off. And what she didn't know, she was describing Gentiles to me. She didn't know it. She just knew something wasn't right. And she spit it off a bunch of names, and I'm like, oh, my God,

this little girl's telling me what I think she's telling me. And she said she didn't like that. that she doesn't like the way those people act how they treated her she didn't like that and I go what are you doing she goes I just avoid them you know she goes I just avoid them they don't pick on her you know we had a little problem at the camp and she said the girl wouldn't leave her alone I go

mercy the next time she comes up to you going to your fucking fight stance and she'll never bother you again and two days there the little girl said something mercy went into a fight stance and mercy's got a hell of a right point Oh, I got the kicks, too. And the kicks.

She's fucking, listen, they train her over there like a little savage. She needs to get rattled. See, what's going to happen to her is what happened to me. I had the tools, but I needed to get rattled first. And then I realized how to use those tools. And she's going to be a deadly kid. And I'm not telling you this because she's my daughter. I'm just telling you because when we came here today, she had a mask on.

We were talking, and I didn't have my hearing aids on. I'm like, why do you get the mask on? And she goes, I've gotten so used to it, Dad. I don't mind worrying it. If it keeps me healthy and you healthy, she's a smart kid, you know. I'm very fortunate. My wife has worked with her. I'm hands off there.

I fucked up the Spanish, and she avoids me like the plague. But all these things were the reasons why I'm leaving. I would, listen, I'm going to, I don't, you know, whether it's a Patreon, Facebook, Twitter, all the messages are always, you know, thank you for helping us out. You and Lee. I've lived through a thousand fucking things, man. When I started this podcast with Lee,

it was for you to avoid the same landmines I put myself in. Mind fucks, landmines, whatever the fuck you want to call them that we put ourselves into. That's all this podcast was about. It got humorous. We had a great time, but you always got something out of it. I wanted you always to get something out of this.

that's the most important thing we wanted you to get. And to feel good. I read a, like when we were three years in, I read a thing once that all we did was complain. We stopped complaining. You know, we focused on the meat and the word I hate the most, the positive angle on the podcast. How to make you feel good.

Do we need a four-hour podcast? It would just kill the whole thing. You're going to shut it off after an hour and a half. So we gave it to you straight, direct. We kept it short. honest and to the fucking point. Yeah, every podcast has been different. Some you don't laugh at, but you learn something.

Some you laugh at. Some shit we say is just plain out fucking horrific. But you know what? The whole time, we've had fun. And guess what? I've become the man I am, not because of comedy or prison or any of that shit. You know how I became the man I am? Because of you guys.

Because for me to sit here and talk. to you guys. I had to walk the fucking line. I couldn't just talk to talk. I had to walk to walk to show you guys that you don't talk to talk. Talking is for fucking jerk-offs. You walk to walk. I told you I would be here every Monday and Wednesday. I'm here every Monday

and Wednesday unless there's a fucking problem even when I shot the movie in New York. I'm not sending your messages and shit Lee and fucking sponsors over the phone on tape. My whole thing was to get to you. I know where to fuck you at. I know you. I know you from your comments.

I know you from your emails. I know you from the way you act. I know you. I know Bob Linguings. I know who Scott Cunningham is. I know these guys. You know, I know Sergio Oetaga. Sergio Oetega has been with me since Beauty and the Beast when he wrote us an email about fucking his wife and an ambulance.

I'm like, you're fucking nuts or a hearse or something like that. Ambulance. You know, it's been an amazing fucking. ride. But the most important thing I've gotten out of this is that I've had to walk the fucking walk. You guys would have not taking the ride with me. If I didn't, I ate

edible. I fucking, you know, in the beginning, we would do 18 bong hit. Speaking of which, it's bong hit time. What the fuck? Or whatever, you got, a pipe, a joint, take a breather. Why are we working so hard here? You know what I'm saying? Speaking of, I mean, you said, like, we've been consistent. That was

the main thing from the beginning is you would always talk about consistency. But for the first seven years, we didn't take a break. We didn't, we didn't take a week off. We didn't take a day off. In life, there's no breaks. In life, there's no breaks. Somewhere in your mind in the American society, you've decided that you need a vacation. Vacations are earned. As an American, you got to earn a vacation. You people who fucking get a credit card and go on vacation on a credit card, shoot yourself. You're never going to work that off. If you think every year by going on vacation, no, you put away money to go on a vacation.

But before we even go on vacations, did you fucking earn it? Who the fuck are you that you need a vacation? You don't do dick. You don't do dick. You know what I'm saying? You got to earn vacations. I want to teach you guys that holiday, you know, there's something I hate about. I love the holidays.

I love Christmas. I love Thanksgiving. I don't like the brain debt. just because it's Christmas now you're brain dead December 8 you're thinking about I want a Nintendo I don't give a fuck what you want it's the 8th snap out of it

come on it's the 8th we'll fucking 20 days away we'll burn Christmas on the 24th but right now I need you here this is why I've never liked holidays you know a week before the 4th of July in LA there's not an audition there's nothing I'm lying here

I booked my first commercial 4th of July weekend Taco Bell but this is why I didn't believe this in life for years when I was growing up I saw these people who went on vacation I was friends with them and then they come back and tell me how much they put on a credit card I never understood it that's not what a credit card is for

a credit card is for emergency now you guys are paying off those fucking credit cards from stupid shit you did don't you wish you had that money to burn now because now all you got to do is make a minimum payment don't keep giving you credit on the 34 and call them up and ask them for a bump. They're giving out bumps like fucking blow jobs now. They're giving out bumps right now on credit card.

Do not believe, no. Call your credit card and say, any of the next or nickel over there. They'll give it to you. If you pay your bills every month on time and then you're paying the minimum payment, they'll raise your level. You will not go without groceries.

Well, yeah, well, they want you to pay the minimum payment. Yeah, pay the minimum payment. Who gives the fuck? You pay the minimum payment and you're out of the fucking weed. No, but your interest keeps going up. What are you going to do? There's no debt as prison.

I'd rather you not starve to death. Right, absolutely. I don't want nobody on this show starving to death. I'd rather you fucking do whatever you can. Cut a deal with the landlord. Tell them you ain't getting dick. You know what I'm saying? Cut the TV and just put a sofa against the door.

They're not getting in there. You know what I'm saying? Fuck it. They're not getting in. You have to worry about yourself right now. You have to make the right decisions for yourself right now. There's nothing wrong with you. going on and living with mom.

You think, let me ask you, motherfucker's a question. You think if my mom was alive and had a basement, I wouldn't get an Airbnb for two weeks and be quarantined and then moving with my mom, shit.

Like Judas Priest said, you got another thing coming. But I think I told Lee to go home and be with his mom because everybody right now needs to go back and start all over again. If I had a mom, I'd be close to my mom.

If I had a dad, I'd be close to my dad. I'd go ask questions. I'd go ask questions about what my family was about. What is all this stuff about? I try to find out who the fuck I was to the T. Sometimes going home centers you. Believe it or not, I know your mom's a pain,

he ass, and your dad asks a lot of questions, but guess what? I don't have a mom in the dad. I would give my fucking right hand to go home and seek knowledge from my mom or my father. right now if I had them or a brother or an older sister or an older brother so right now don't be ashamed about going home if you have to pack your bags and go back to Oklahoma or Missouri or fucking Wisconsin or fucking Jersey there's no shame in it you know and my shame wasn't leaving here

with a slap to my face my shame is that I'm leaving a lot of friends behind I feel like I'm leaving Vietnam This is Vietnam. This has become Vietnam for some people. What is Vietnam? Shit, you never thought you would ever see in your life. Shit that nobody expected to see in their life. But you also have to, I mean, you have to take care of yourself.

You can't, you're not in charge of other people's lives, and you can't hurt yourself because of other people. That's great, but it's not my DNA. I worry about my friends. Why I have friends if you don't sincerely fucking love. worry about them and their health and their welfare. Why do you have friends? That's another reason why I'm leaving here. There's no friends. We have Hollywood friends here. I'm not saying nothing bad. I have a lot of good friends here, but they're not the friends I grew up with.

They're friends, but they're not the friends I grew up with. Comedy just doesn't provide that. For some reason, comedy makes you be friends, but not really, you know. Speaking of the which, uh, there's a lot of shit going on in the news and, uh, whatever. And I'm going to throw my two cents in because, uh, you guys have always listened to me. And, uh, you know, I'm a no nonsense type of guy, especially when I talk about this type of shit. I'm a criminal. I have no reason to lie to you about that. I've done a lot of criminality shit. There's one word in my vocabulary. I was hurt. I was I was raised to hate this word and the word is rape. I don't like that word. I've never really liked that word. When I was 10, I made the mistake and behind my mother's

back I went to see the movie Death Wish, the first one. It's a horrific for it. It's a horrific scene for a child to see. If you haven't seen Death Wish, watch it. I remember the city and in that movie theater and watching this woman get raped brutally and saying to myself, that could be my mom. And that feeling went away. And then years later, I found out about that my Aunt Rosita was getting raped at a fucking party in Cuba. And my mother broke a bottle.

Heard her getting raped in the bushes. And she stuck the bottle on the guy's back and ripped them open. And my uncle told me she came home with a white dress on covered in blood. They had a rush her out of the country. So growing up, my mom had a certain thing, you know. Like when she raised me, you know, it was just something. There was just something about that word that has always bothered me. When I got locked up, I talked to anybody.

I don't care if you sniff glue. I don't care if you kidnap somebody. I don't care if you lit a house on fire. I don't care if you, I didn't care about the drugs. I didn't care what drug. I don't care if you sold. I didn't talk to rapists or pedophiles. They were kept aside.

Everybody knew who they were. You didn't talk to them. Every three months, one of them got a beating. And the cops didn't, the guards didn't care. You know, what are you going to do? How can you? Every once in a while, the guy you staying out with in jail, Clark, there was one pedophile that he would beat the fuck out of once a month.

Knock his tooth out one night. He knocked his fucking two down. guy went to the fucking kitchen the next day with a missing tooth eating breakfast there was nobody he could run to because everyone makes mistakes but those things are like that's a lot of a mistake you can't make i mean i don't i don't just something about that whole word and i'm no fucking angel but i've never raped anymore okay uh friday or thursday i wake up to allegations against uh what's his name brine Brian Callan. Now, I've known Callan since 1999, maybe 98. I met him through my dear friend and brother Joe Rogan. Brian Callan has always been a ladies man. I had the pleasure of going with him in 2001.

I didn't go with him. He was there when I got there to an acting cold reading workshop. And that legitimized our friendship. We sat together. We shared notes. And after that, he lived in New York for years, Brian Callum. And then he came to LA and that's when I would see him. And we became tied through Joe. And we went on different things together, different road events together. But you know, there'd always be abroad. You know what I'm saying? There'd always be abroad. It's talking to a girl that would come to the show, nothing, no young girls, no nothing. They were just normal girls. And sometimes he would leave with them, and sometimes he would talk to them until we all left, and we'd leave together.

How well do I know Brian Callan? I know him well, guys. I know him well. Do I see the word rape in Brian Callan? No. Do you see the word rape in Ralphie Mae? when Ralphie Mae got accused the rape, my fucking insides flipped. My insides are still flipped about that.

You know what? Whatever you want to say, you're going to say, before you accuse somebody a rape or make accusations of rape, you know what, especially 21 years later, and I know women get silenced, I know that, you know what, man, if you get raped, call the fucking cops. Make it easier for everybody. Now, 21 years later, you're up.

setting the natural balance of things. And I'm not a Houdini. I don't know if you did. I don't know who's lying here. I just know who Brian Cowan is. And you guys know, I'm not, I don't know about psychotherapy. I don't know about nothing about anything,

but I know human beings. I study human beings. I fucking study him. And does he sling dick? Yes. Is he a rapist? No. No, not at all.

So I just wanted to give my peace on that. He's a dear friend. I called him immediately. As a matter of fact, last week, I met with Christailea, just to look him on the face, talk him off the ledge, and let him know I love the kid. I've seen the emails. I saw the...

Listen, for me, I'm from a different world, okay? You ready from the world I'm from? Are you ready to press charges? You got charges to press? No. Then shut the fuck up. If you can't press charges, shut the fuck up. Shut the fuck up.

If you're not prepared to come to me with the evidence to prepare charges, shut the fuck up. I am not, I told you this last year, guys, when that fucking judge got accused of covering the girl's mouth that this was going to be trouble. I knew it would be trouble for me. it would be not in a sexual way, but right now anybody could say anything. We're living in a world where anybody could say anything. All I want you is to do is to, let's be honest. Let's do like law and order.

Present the evidence from both people, and let me make an educated fucking guess here. Present the evidence from two people, and then let me make the obvious fucking decision. Is that fair America? is that fair England? Is that fair the UK? Is that fair Panama? Is that fair China?

Is that fucking fair enough, Colombia? If you have the proof, I want Lee's story and I want the broad, the lady's story. Right in front of me and let me make a decision. If we have enough to press charges,

then I'm wrong. I owe you an apology and I'll drop the fuck out of the world. But if you're not prepared to press charges, do me a favor. Go fuck yourself. Have you been accused of something you didn't do? Doesn't fucking feel good. Doesn't feel good. Let me tell you something. In the heat of my fucking thievery and shit, there was a point where I was getting accused of everything. And I accepted it because I had to. I was a thief. They weren't lying. But I didn't do that particular job. There was a lot of things.

There was something that really, really edged me on in 85. A dear family I was friends with. When I was living in Kresco accused me of robbing their house. And you want me to tell you something? I knew the accusations were coming. Hey, it was 1985. It's 2000. I've told you things I don't tell anybody else. Guess what?

I didn't rob that house. I was accused of it. It really did something to me. You know, I got accused of robbing a lot of shit. I didn't give a fuck. I had no interest in those people. I don't give a fuck. They were just drug dealers.

but there were people that I really cared about. I got accused of this. It ate me a lie. For years, it ain't me a lie. And just last year, I went home, and the kid who robbed the house, I guess, went to AA, and you're going to tell your sins. You know, you've got to tell everybody you fucked over,

and he went to the family and cleared his name or something like that. Really? Yeah. Oh, shit. So, and I wrote a blog about it years ago, and the guy hit me up on MySpace. When I was writing blogs on MySpace, I wrote a story about how much that really hurt my feelings. I remember getting accused, and the first thing I did was I called the chief of police,

Gerard Bazzarco, Sr. He's still alive, I think. Hopefully, if not, God bless his soul. I called them direct. And I said, listen, I've been accused of a robbery in North Bergen. What do you want me to do? Do you want me to go down and give my fingerprints? Because I didn't do it. And he goes, let's hold off and see what you? the evidence is. He goes, detectives went up there. I never heard anything back again. But I was willing to fight for my life.

I know what I robbed, and I know who I robbed, and I had not robbed these people. So was it because you had a relationship with them? Like, as a thief, why did it bother you someone? Because they were false. They were false accusations.

And it pissed me to fuck off. It hurt me to the end. I deserved it. I had it coming. I'm not going to say the entire. I didn't have it coming. If I tell you that, then I'm wrong. But just how I felt was horrible.

You know, this whole thing that went on six weeks ago, I went from telling the story. That was a story on the fly that I had forgotten about. And I even said it in a weird fucking way. I never even performed in the belly room in those days. And I said, belly room. You know, even after that happened, I read things. I could read.

I read what they took with the little thing and how they blew it up. And to coercion, they used the word rape. They used a bunch of words. And I was like, oh, we're living in a bad, we're living in a bad space right now. We're in a bad space mentally. If you're looking at all this, you know, two weeks ago, they canceled Brian Callens and DeLea's show. And I read the article in the L.A. time. but I saw it on Twitter.

And it went from Chris DeLeah to Chris DeLeah allegations to Harvey Weinstein. Nobody deserves that. DeLea sent a fucking email to an underage girl without knowing Harvey Weinstein raped and fucking cut deals with women

to put him in movies. Big fucking difference in my world. Big fucking difference in my world. Okay? Am I mad at Harvey for the rape? Fuck yeah. He's a big piece of shit. and my mad at Harvey because the chick sucked this dick to get a role in the movie look what they did to Marilyn Monroe they killed her the death with dick

they dicked Marilyn Monroe to death and they they hit it with it over they shot it with something they killed like Michael Jackson you think about this shit you know look at how Marilyn Monroe died I don't fucking know some pills I don't who the fuck knows you know they killed it a debt they fucked it a debt between the Kennedys Sam G and Connor This guy, that guy, everybody was giving her dick, you know. Everybody's surprised by what goes on in Hollywood. Do not be surprised.

There's some victims, but some people go in there knowing what time it is from day one. I'm sorry to put it this bluntly. And if you get offended, well, then get offended. But I'm telling you that this comedy scene, this movie entertainment scene, this is the creepiest world you'll ever enter in your life. Okay, you saw a couple of weeks ago, Will Smith and his wife. You know, you're seeing this. This is opening up right in front of you.

Let you people know, we live in shit. All these people that you watch on TV that you're in love with, guess what? They're not the people that you think you are. And here you are watching them thinking, you know, what does Ellen DeGeneres do now? Did she need this shit? I've heard that from the Ellen show. For years. For years, I've heard that shit.

It's very depressing. For years. But you motherfuckers think she's a fucking son. save you. Oprah, on the other hand, runs a good ship. Okay? There's a big difference. And I want to say about the people that you've brought on to the show, there's some people who haven't been nice to me. There's a couple weirdos. But for the most part, everyone that I met, like, for me, to be able to meet Ralphie was very cool for me. I knew about Ralphie growing up. And he treated me with nothing but love. Gabriel came in here. Fucking,

who else, just so many other people came in here that, that there are still good people in this town, but you have to search for it. There's very good people in this town. I saw George Perez today. You got Steve Simone. You got Dean Delray. I mean, I'm worried about Dean Delray.

Dean Delray's going to stick it out, move to the desert, or move to Arizona. You know, I heard Steve Burns moving. I spoke to Theo this weekend. He's in Nashville looking at houses. he went fishing you know I mean

nobody's giving up nobody's bad mouthing nothing nobody's saying nothing what I'm trying to say is you have to know in your heart when something's over when I see what mercy and myself

and my friends are facing I feel horrible for Lee even though he knows I love him to death the last month Lee could have been out of here the last year Lee could have been out of here. He could have gone back to law school.

Lee stays around for me for two days a week. For five days, he sits there waiting for fucking the blue bird that happens to show up. I know what you go through, buddy. That's why I call you. I torture you. I give you edibles. I try to brighten your life the only way I know how to do it. Dude, you're my own, your family out here.

The only family I moved out here knowing nobody, and it's very weird. But like, this is a place where if you live 10 miles, from somebody, you're not going to see you. You're not going to. I remember going to, I didn't have anywhere to go for Thanksgiving and I remember having Thanksgiving at your house when there were people there and then for most people might have been a sad Thanksgiving, but looking back, it was funny. I remember your wife was so pregnant that she didn't even eat. And we sat out, just me and you. Yeah, we sat on the couch and watch TV and it was depressing. But it was good. But it was still fun. It was great. And that's what I'm saying. Listen, by living out of

here you give up a lot. In this world, you give up a lot. It's not the sacrifices of getting the nose at the audition and Netflix doesn't want you. That's not enough. You're without the people who took care of you all your lives. And after 30 years, I got really sick of not having that. When I went home last year for the Sopranos, it all came back to me.

So we're going to keep doing these. I think we're going to try to go for you to have episodes until September. We're going to release some surprises for you, never before seen surprises for you. And who knows what's going to happen. I want the best for Lee. I want the best for you guys. And I know you want the best for me. As of right now, Twitter stays, Instagram stays.

I don't know what I'm going to shut down on Facebook. My heart goes out to Scott, and he tried really hard to create something pure. And, you know, Scott Cunningham will always be the fearless leader. I'm going to talk to my management this week about putting some type of board together. for the church. And it's Scott Cunningham run. Hubsster fucking is his personal bulldog. Hubs that decides everything.

She's bit slaps everybody. Lalingis is the treasurer. We'll figure it out with Bob Lalingis. You know, we're going to make a little committee. I know which one of you use are really in, which one of you really want to have a good time, and which one of you really want to stay family with me. Because we created a family.

And I don't want you guys to leave anywhere. That's why I create the pantry. for a dollar. I don't give a fuck. What's a dollar? I'm going to change it. You know, I have a lot of fun on the Patreon.

The end of that I got fucking stolen and did bedtime stories on Patreon. You know why? And I was going to go on my daughter's room and get a book and actually read you a bedtime story, which I'm going to do this week one night for you. I'm just going to pick a book.

Like I told the lead, I told the three little pigs on the run. I don't know the three little pigs. He huffed and puffed. He had C-O-P-D, whatever the fuck. But this week, I'm going to read you a bedtime story on Patreon, a real one.

Every week from now on one night, it's going to be like a three-minute video of me just reading your bedtime story, all right? And with that said, I love you guys with all my heart. I have, this has been a real fucking pleasure for me, what's happened with this. Just all started by telling the story about lightning a hooker's wig on fire,

and you guys never backed out after that. If I would have heard that story, I would have shut that channel off and ran the other way. Not you motherfuckers. You guys stayed on. Some of you left. You came back. You know, it doesn't matter.

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I've never heard anything like that. Nobody does that. Nobody does that. So right now, go to Draft Kings right now, okay? Get it on the action. Download the Draft King Sportsbook now and use code church, C-H-U-R-C-H, plus for limited time, just for the church family, all new users get a sign-up bonus of $1,000.

Did you hear me in the back? You get a grand when you get Draft King's Sportsbook app and use code church. Right now, we got basketball every fucking day this week. Let's go, Cocksuckers. Next week you got fucking the UFC. You got Steepay against D.C. That's coming up.

So right now, if I was you, football's around the corner. Now is the time to make a little bit of baccala. Just a little bit. Don't be greedy. Just a little bit. Pick yourself a team every day. You watch them. You know, this is the way to do it.

Draft King Sportsbook isn't available where you live yet. Don't forget about fantasy, okay? Because this week, I told you, they're going to offer a million dollars every day this week. So download the Draft King's Sports. sportsbook now. And here's the part the lawyers make me want you to say, right?

You've got to be 21 and older, New Jersey, Indiana, and Pennsylvania only. Deposit bonus requires a 25-time play-through. Restrictions do apply. See draftkings.com slash bookbook for details. Listen, you're sitting there board to pieces.

Every day this week there's basketball. Cut this shit. They're giving you a deal that you can't fucking lose with. Draft Creen's sportsbook isn't available where you live. But right now, who gives a Frenchman's fuck? Restrictions do apply. See draftkings.com, sportsbook for details. And do me a favor.

If you got a gambling problem, there's help. Call 1-800 gambler, G-A-M-B-L-E-R. Or if you're in Indiana, call 1-8009 with it. And tell them Uncle Joey sent you. But if you're still motherfucking gambling, right now, download the Draft King Sportsbook. app and use code church. Number two, I've been telling you

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I think I used them all You take one out And you put it on your fucking knee Your elbow your shoulder Your back They got paper pens They got cartridges They got shattered

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CBD lion.com Check out code church, bam! And get 20% off your fucking first order, okay? Delivered right to your house. I want to thank CBD Lion. I want to thank draft kings.

But most importantly, I want to thank you guys for being here for eight years. And I want to thank you guys for continuing to be here, okay? I'm not going away. Lee's not going away. We're still going to be in your life at least once a month. We'll figure something. out. But for right now, I have a great day today. If you're having a bad day, I'm sorry.

This is going to get worse. But you know what? We're going to get through this together. I love you, motherfuckers. Have a great Monday. See you back here Wednesday morning. Tip-top of goo. Ready to go. Kick this fucking meal league.