The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #811 - Ryan Sickler: The Host

Episode Date: August 10, 2020

Ryan Sickler, a stand up comedian and the host of "The HoneyDew" podcast, is the first guest host of The Church of What's Happening Now. He interviews Joey Diaz about his life as part of a series they are doing on "The HoneyDew" podcast. This podcast is brought to you by: DraftKings - Download DraftKings Sportsbook now and use code CHURCH to get $1000 sign up bonus.     CBD Lion - For all of your CBD needs, from shatter to gummies, go to www.CBDLion.com and use code CHURCH for 20% off.   

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No more fucking excuse. This is the year of the fucking soldier. We're going in like fucking Marines. You understand me? Welcome to church, motherfucker. Go, sick. Welcome to the church of what's happening now, everybody. I'm Ryan Sickler sitting in tonight.

Not really in, but in and next to the one and only. Joey Coco Diaz here also Lee Syatt. This is a special edition, I guess, of the church. You've never had anyone do this before. No. This is an honor. I'm serious. That's a night show.

That's a night show you should live, Freddie Prince. Yeah. And Joan. Joan Rivers will come on. Yeah. I'm your first guest host. Yes. I fucking love it.

And I love that you're here for it, though. A lot of times guest hosts and you're not here. Somebody else I'm hosting. No. No. So we have been documenting your life on the honeydew. We have done about. 40 hours or we're only at 1980.

Fuck it six. We got through 1985 and 86 last time on the honey-dews. So why don't we pick up here with January of 1987? January of 1987, I found myself working at a car washing bowl to drying off cars. That was one of those guys outside freezing, freezing, drying off cars. I started the job like the second week at the same. And I worked. Damn.

Minimum wage plus tips. All right. So just let me refresh here. How old are you in 87 now? How old are you? 24. Okay. Yeah, 24.

63 and 4. 24. So I'm wiping down windows, washing down cars. And the only hustle I have are the tips. How can I steal the tips? You know what I'm saying? If you break up the tips, I go from making seven to like 980.

That's not going to work for Uncle Joey. I hate to kick up my income. So I figured out that if I drive the car and the guy tips me, if nobody's watching, it goes in my pocket. Oh, you should hate full tips here. Fuck the jaw. You know what I'm saying? Oh, so everybody had to pull all the...

Yeah, here I am getting a nickel, and I got a shirt with these fucking MOOCs that are moving half the speed of me. So that lasted for a few weeks, and I saw an ad or somebody told me about a body shop that was hiring a detailing apprentices

now I wasn't fucking getting rich at the car wash I went down to this whatever the fuck it was and I apply and the guy happens to be from New York is the body shop the body shop, paint shop,

detailing shop and he goes I am looking for a big guy but it may not be you I got a position for a position called the shop, Jagger and where you watch cars, you help the body guys, you got to be here at 6 in the morning, it doesn't pay overtime, it pays like 220 a week, and you're here till you're here, and you work hard to become a detailer, and that's where you make your money.

Well, I started there like in November, January, right before the Super Bowl, the Giants went to the Super Bowl against somebody. and maybe the Bronco somebody went I started the week or two before the Super Bowl because they invited me to their Super Bowl party and they were nice guys and you know whatever I fit in but I didn't you know I did I did my job I was really good at it I used to have to go to car dealers so this particular body shop worked for a chain called the Crouches in Boulder at that time they had Suzuki, Subaru, you know, Accura. He had like four or five, Mitsubishi. He had like four or five different chains. And we washed those cars in Honda, Metro Honda we had, or something Honda. So I became friendly with all the guys.

Hey, hey, are you doing what's going on? I would help the details and pick up cars. And I became friendly with this guy from Jersey at a Subaru dealership. I would go to the Subaru dealership, and they'd be like the ice cream man got there. What's up? What's up? Oh, shit.

There he is. Jersey Joe. Oh, shit. There was a skinny guy from Detroit that looked like a junkie, real good looking. He was cool. The guy's name was Peter Pinto, the manager. There was a dude named Carlos.

And I just became friends with him. The lot boy there was working a tremendous scam. He was selling it. He was getting like, he was one of those guys that was making $3.50 an hour. But he was making $80,000 a year. Yeah. You know what I'm saying?

He was one of those guys. How'd you got an above ground pool, man? He was getting maybe 10 an hour, but he drove like a Porsche because he was taking the Subaru's, the SL10, the high-end stereos, and why you bought the car, he would come up to you and go, let me talk to you about something. What do you want to do you? This stereo sucks. What if I could put an SL-10 in there if 100 falls out of your pocket? And he would all send the bank came when they're like, all the SL 10 fucking radios are missing. They're all shitty AM radios.

It's fucking hilarious. This place was a big, a thieves paradise. Putting the AM radios in place, not even something FM on it. This place is crazy. So now they're yelling at me. When are you going to become a salesman? And I'm like, I'm no fucking car salesman. Stop that shit.

That's the third guy. In like that three years, I kept bothering me to go sell cars. I'm like, I'm not going to go fucking sell cars. You people are fucking crazy. So I kept, and I got promoted to a detail. And that's when you get like, I forget what the pay raise was huge. I went from making $2.20 to like $1,000 a week. Now I'm doing some powder.

I got a little apartment in South Boulder. My girlfriend would come over. I'd give her a couple bumps. eat a little monkey, she'd go home, and I'd do the rest of it. I'd hold out on it. I only got a little bit. You got a lot.

I have to go to school anyway. You suck. I thought you got more. Get the fuck out. And then I'd do my thing. And it was great. I loved detailing. I really liked it.

I like being alone. I like listening to music. Everybody there smoked pot. You know, it was really cool. But one of my best pieces of work there was once I started leaning I became a detailer right away. Like they said, it takes 90 days. It took me like 24 days.

And they had no choice. I was out working everybody. I was just one of those dudes that even with a monkey on my back. I'm out working. I ain't working for 220 a week. But the thing that kept me there was a burrito lady. It was a burrito lady that came every day at like 9 o'clock

with green chili and mashed potatoes in a burrito. Lee. your head would explode. It was in a blender. She'd put it in a blender. You could taste the little pieces of pork in there. So it's just a tortilla with a... And she let you run a tab, and you could pay her on Friday.

Oh, shit. Oh, she was beautiful. I loved it, but then I was getting hot cigarettes at the time. I had a friend who was giving me hot cigarettes. I go, you sell cigarettes on the Roachcoach. She goes, yeah, I'll trade you cigarettes for fucking burritos. So I had her on the cigarette burrito plan. It never ends.

The hustle. It never ends, dog. You don't understand. It never ended. What's the conversion? How many cigarettes for a burrito? I don't know. I forget those days.

I don't know what she was giving me picardin. And then I would get the burritos for like a dollar off. They were like $2 a dollar. Dilly, delicious. I mean, you couldn't live without it. That made me hungry. I would slend it apart from me. I would snort coke thinking about that burrito.

This doesn't matter. Stayed in town. It's at the end of this shit. I'm getting six of those motherfuckers for breakfast And every once in a while She'd run out of them But she'd want you to get to my stop Like, well, give me a six potato

I'm all out What do you mean you're all out? You know I need two To fucking make this party happen here I don't want the red pork Do I look like I want red pork? I'm trying to fucking, you know what I'm saying? That was like the guy

And I became partners The dude who was on steroids And one night I went to his house After work he was like He kept telling me he wanted me to do him a favor Wait, I'm just hold on one second. Partners in the detail in business now? No, he was a detail.

Okay. Big yo kid. And you went off and did your own thing now? No, no, no. Me and him were Goombie. I see. Just got it. Got it.

He watched my back. I watched. He was a big white boy. Good fucking dude. Good family. But I went to his eye. He goes, can you come over with me and help me with some stuff at the house? I go, yeah.

I didn't know what to expect. I go over there. I go, listen, man. Me and my girlfriend broke up and she's doing the way to shoot me with steroids. Can you shoot me with steles? I don't know about shooting nobody. I can't even see needles. You're the only only one I can do it. You can do it.

I'll talk you through it. I mean, and then I'm like, I don't want to do this. You should do some steroids. You got a great bill. You lift. And I'm like, I'm not shooting it. And I drank a bottle of steroid juice. That must have definitely fucked my... Back at the robin.

I just drank it. My face turned red for like an hour. So this is, I'm talking, I'm fucking, I'm out of my mind. I'm out of my mind, guys. I'm snoring Coke on the weekends, Miley. I drank a whole container of Decad de Roblin, one of those little syringes. God knows what's going to happen. So it's supposed to be shot intravenously. So this is how fucking nuts I was.

At the time, I'm living with like another couple, and they're just doing coke all the time. she's walking around with her panties he would pass out and she'd come talk to me with a panties and I you know it was just not a good scene so I got my own apartment

I moved somewhere else and it brazed me up a little bit like my numbers you know like now I had to pay real rent I was paying like for a room in a house now I had to pay real rent and I was making money detailing but this cut into my fucking

Cocoa local time because I used to go to fucking And that one place that serves the French fries with the endless Red Robin. Red Robin. He used to make Cocoa Locos. I'd make a tip

like two extra vodka's in there. They make the best top shelf margarita in the country at the time for $4.50. Red Robin. My credit card was just Margarita, margarita, margarita. Red Robin, Red Robin.

I would go to Red Robin every night do two margaritas, two top shelves, do two bumps, and fuck it from there. Whatever you need me to do, I'll do it. You know what I'm saying? I would have a little car sale and he'd drive me home. He kept asking me, you don't have no more coke? No, I did it all. I had to grab my pocket. I'd go home and fucking bang out blow. And then I got promoted. Now, I'm thinking about the salesman shit.

The guy told me what they're making over there. And it was a lot more than when I was making. I'm like, should I go over to sell fucking cars? I don't know about cars. And these are the same ones, the Akers, the Subaru's, the Mitsubis. This is Subaru. Okay. So these guys back then, they had to what, the brat? They were the one with the seats in the back. Remember those suicide seats?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. They had a bunch of great cars back then. So I'm in this real decisive mode. But what happened was there was a crew of detailers. And this just happens to me on all places. What happened was I started out working them. I started how to figure out the system. The system was to do two new cars a day and three used cars.

That's where your money's at. The two new cars with easy money. You just rip the paper off. You got to put a certain chemical on them to take the cosmaline off. You put the rims on, you armor all the inside. You put the mats down. You wash the car and you dry it. That's it.

It's no big deal. Nobody's ever sat in the car. You just got to put the hub caps on, put the fire. put the fucking mats in you know a couple things you gotta adjust set the stations whatever the fuck they want then you take it to the thing I could do two of those in an hour

so I would make two fucking runs and they never heard of that I'm like why go make runs and pick them up let's get two done and I did two canoe cars by 11 and then I jump on three used cars I was making some good fucking money but they started fucking with me

you know they wouldn't give me a bay They would go, oh, if you could park two cars out there, we could put two cars in here. So it was like really four against three, and the supervisor liked them. So I'm like, this supervisor really wants to fuck with me. And then like a week after that one day, he goes, I'm going to fucking write you up for insubordination. Something crazy. Because I told them, I'll do the car outside. No big deal.

You can't do it outside. I go, relax. Watch your fucking tone. But the manager was from New York. And the manager knew I was a little fucked up. and the owner was a great white dude. You know those white dudes that drink whiskey and they don't watch porn,

but they appreciate a good sense of humor. You can tell that the dude was uptight and shit. He was just a great white dude, but he liked me because I fucking made money, and I hustled my asshole. You know, I was getting in there with him at 6 in the morning. You weren't supposed to be that till late.

If I started Coke till 5, what's the difference? I'm going to sit here and look out the window by myself. I might as well go go pick up a piece of four. fucking $30, $40 at the time. That was my mentality. So they started picking on me. They started fucking with me. Like, really, you're going to fuck with me?

And at that time, I had the whole body shop wide. I knew where to get weed. I knew where to get coke. I knew who was selling this, who was selling that. There was a creepy dude who installed stereos there. Creepy as fuck. In what way? What was creepy?

Every day, man, I went to the strip club last night. I met this girl, Melinda. Her working name was Gunner. You know, he was really creepy. He's got the fake real name. Like, just a creepy strip club guy. He knew all the strip clubs. When people would talk about strip clubs, he'd come out and give you cards for VIP of this one.

He was friends with the Bandoreno, the Banderos bike gang. I got Reefer from him. I got Coke from him. He sold a bunch of shit, but he had everything a guy that was trying to prove something. He had tinted windows, a loudstead. Tatoos, leather jacket, a motorcycle, a pit bull. Anything that a guy needs to get attention. Yeah, he was just, but he was like a half of retard.

But I kind of liked him. His drugs were good. He always told me about dirty pussy, how he would finger these strippers. He would fuck him and all this shit. Speaking of drugs, can we smoke during this? You can do whatever fucking you can let your asshole on fire. You can let your asshole on fire. So one day this dude, Dirk, gets in my face about some shit.

I've told this story before, but I don't think I've told it to you, Ryan Sickler. I'm fucking nuts, Ryan Sickler. I'm 24. Fresh out of fucking Jersey. I just slept in benches. I just went through that whole fucking homeless thing. You know, now I'm living in Boulder, but I'm keeping a lid on it. I got a girlfriend.

I have to go to her family's house every Sunday to eat. They're very nice people. They're from Buffalo. They're from Buffalo, New York. They're very nice people. I appreciate them. So I got to act like a fucking man, and these people get in my faces.

So there was particularly two white dudes, both from Minneapolis, Minnesota, that would fuck with me, and they had a, and they would beat me because they had the, the fucking supervisor in that corner

so one day I see the supervisor walking in and I don't know what he took his jacket off and he hung it up and I don't know what made me do this but this is the mind of Joey D is

you know the dude thought he got over on me but I'm going to show him I'm going to get over on him I just didn't know how and all of a sudden the good Lord does something he does

every fucking day he kills a mouse I turn around and there's a dead mouse four foot from me maybe three inches long I see that everybody's washing cars I go what can I do with this mouse

I got a paper towel I pick it up by the tail and I put it in the guy's pocket the supervisor's pocket I put it in his pocket I get high I keep working on cars I forget about the whole thing

the next morning I'm in there six o'clock buzzing out of car and you hear a car come in like do do do do do do And he gets out in the car He goes, what the fuck? Shout it down.

Shut it down. I just got into a major car accident. He goes, I reached him in my pocket for cigarettes and somebody put a mouse in there. By the end of the day, I'm going to find out who it is. I have an idea who it is. And I'm fucking, you know me, dog. I'm like, I'll help you find the fucking customer.

You know, that son of a bitch. Whatever that. But that motherfucker knew it was me or some other guy. His car was all crashed up. Fuck them. Fuck them. So right there, I knew it was time for me to go. So about April 15th,

we're in April now, about April 1980s. I tell the fucking, I tell the fucking, the fucking car, the dealership, the, I caught him a deal. I tell the detail guys that I'm going to go sell cars for one day and try it. And after one day, I don't know if I like it. And they said, okay, when do you want to do this? I go Monday. So I put together what I had as a suit at that time.

And I went there Monday. They told me to be that eight to learn about some cars. And they gave me to this guy named Jimmy Wheeler. God rest is so. I still talk to his son on Facebook. That's amazing that you remember these names. Cody Wheeler. I remember this guy's name because he was the first guy that made me feel like family without being at home.

he was one of those guys he was willing to take a bullet for you and again god put this guy in my life and on the first day he just dug me we're big time bruce lee fans that's why i brought you the shirt thank you for that shirt and he had the tower jikundo signed by bruce lee nobody had that at the time and he was from detroit he just impressed the shit out of me and he gave me a shirt once Detroit, the murder capital of the United States of America. It was my favorite shirt. I wore it all summer long. People said to me,

why do you wear that shirt? It's disgusting. I fucking love Detroit. I want to go to fucking Detroit. I'm ready for Detroit. Fuck these pussies. Like, that's how crazy I was at the time. And that first day with Jim Wheeler, I ended up selling three cars

making a thousand bucks on paper and like 200 spips cash. at seven o'clock i called the body shop and told him to suck my dick i'm never washing the car again i went to my mother-in-law god bless her soul my ex-mother-in-law who i loved dearly at the time and she let me her uh made dnf card and she let me charge five hundred dollars i bought three suits shirts pants and i was all in guys you were selling cars in denver well not denver Boulder and the first month I ended up selling 14 cars.

Damn. I was the salesman of the month. I was a salesman of the month. I think I came in second. Did you get a special spot and all that shit? Yeah, like I got a demo for free. You had to sell 12 cars to get your car for free or you had to pay 300 a month. So that was the magic number.

12. You get your demo and then they had weird bonuses. Like once you sell 10 cars, your bonus goes from 20 to 30%. 11 cars, 30%. 11 cars, 35%, 12 cars, 40%. 15 cars, 40% plus a $500 cash bonus. They worked it. Plus, every new Subaru you called.

Every new Subaru you sold, you ripped the thing, and you looked at it, and they would either give you money or you spun the wheel. You called Subaru, and they tell you, you won $350, and you'll get your check in the mail. So the first month, I think I made like $8,000. Are you kidding me?

I paid my mother-in-law back. I went out and bought some really nice suits, and I was all in. This is me. I bought the nicest shirts. I got them dry cleaned. I cut my hair. Don't get me wrong. I was doing Coke four out of five nights.

Don't forget to lay that in there. You know what I'm saying? Don't forget to lay that in there because that's the truth. I fucking snort a Coke. I had a girlfriend who I loved. I had been with her at the time. At the time, we had been together for two and a half years. It was a rough two and a half years, but we loved each other.

She was living with her mother. I got an apartment. We were young, you know. And during the week, she would stay home. And I would leave the dealer at nine. Three nights a week, I actually went home, changed, marinated the steak, one in the garage. Lived weights and then cook the steak eat it and I go to bed at 11.11.30.

But four nights a week, I was pretty much fucking come home with three margaritas in me, go in my bedroom, put pajamas on, get the coke out, sneak a bottle in there, and only come out to go to the bathroom because I had three other roommates. I had a chick, a little chubby chick that was beautiful. Our parents owned a printing shop. I had a guy that was part of Toastmasters, and I had a white guy that was just a creepy guy that went on a boat every day.

On a boat every man. That's all he did. What did you do? I went on the boat. Where? In the river? What are you doing? Nothing.

I didn't really talk to me. I didn't go to the community room at night. I sat in the back, and I was tight with the redhead. The redhead sold weed. So we kind of became tight. So I had a dog named Hercules. So I had to go home and walk the dog. every day and do that shit.

And one day a new salesman came in. His name was Kent Vela. I want to ask you two questions real quick. You said ex-mother-in-law. Right. Do you didn't even talk about

marriage yet? Right. That's who she is. We'll get to that. Right. We'll get to that. Now she was the mother of the girl I was dating at the time.

Got it. I want to ask you about being a salesman because you said you were all in. So you probably liked it. You seemed like you liked it. At least then, right? Loved it. The parallels between, I find that, because I have a friend of mine, it's a salesman.

Between stand-up and salesman is so, there are a lot of similarities. Like, you've got to get them within that first 60s. Until you become a comedy salesman, you'll never become a comic. That's right. You could write jokes all you want. Until you learn how to sell them, you'll never become a comic. And that's what happened with me. I took my comedy, my car career.

You learned how to sell. And I wanted to go into the selling mode of it. You know, it's completely different. But it's an interesting blueprint to apply instead of, hey, buy this car. It was the best thing that I ever did in my life. Fuck yeah. It gave me a purpose. I went in there in the mornings.

I did it. I watched the guy that was doing the best, and I mimicked him. And what does that mean? How are you doing, Lee Syatt was going on? He was very nice to you. He pushed a little bit. Is there something we could do today to get you out of that car? Well, my wife's not here.

Well, there's your wife fucking, you know, you don't talk to them like that. These are white people involved. You couldn't break that ball. Yeah. You know, there's some people who are, I'll take a look at the numbers, okay, and there's some people who let me come back

and you bring them inside professionally, sit them down and set an appointment with them. I did all that stuff. And when they gave me a card, I would call up Mr. Syatt. How are you? Tomorrow, when you come in, before you come in, what do you mean tomorrow? I remind you,

You have an appointment tomorrow at 1 o'clock. I want you to have questions prepared for me for the car. Like, you know, these are how you become a salesman. If he comes in and looks at the car and gets a number, next morning I come in, I write a letter. Yeah, back then, yeah, back then. When you handwritten a letter, it means something. Not like a letter that says, dear, and I put in Ryan,

and I sign it at the bottom, you know what I'm saying? No, no, no. So you had to do all those steps. And I really believed in them. And Subaru was great to work for. The first two months was great to work for them. Then the third month, it was great to work for them. Then things started going a little sour.

When you're a salesman, the third month, you sell cars the first two months because you're stupid. You're stupid. But then the third month, now you believe you drink your own junk. you drink your own juice and you go I sold like four cars my third month

and it cracked me what did you think did you think you weren't good did you think shit changed what was it to start of fucking with it was just everything plus I was starting to do coke a lot there like it was known

as a Coke dealership like I still remember you said a Coke dealer everybody was doing that if they were if the manager did it, the assistant manager did it. If there was 12 salesmen, eight salesmen did it. You know, it was two, I remember like being there when it snowed, like in April one day,

it snowed and we were shoveling snow and we were all drinking a bottle of Blackberry Brandy. Like the manager went and got us all Blackberry Brandy. And the whole day we worked all fucked up on Blackberry Brandy. I mean, I did have, but I really believed in it. I wasn't stealing at the time. I was the only sin I was doing was doing coke I was with my girlfriend on the weekends I was with her from Saturday to Sunday night you know she'd spend Saturday night with me

we'd do a little fucking tut-to-roots and then my behavior changed the third month I bought a car from them I said let me be I go buy one of these fucking used cars what is it about did did the state of Colorado because I feel like everybody's got a Subaru out there. Did they, is there a, did they welcome Subaru in or something like that? It just works.

When you see, they're everywhere out there. You could look at me and go, I hate that fucking Subaru. Go to Colorado, bring your car. Good luck. Come see me in November when you're spending around the circles. Yeah, you get the four-wheel drive. Because your car's not that heavy. There's something. It's just too much. Once you see it, once you see a car perform like that And that type of weather that stays with you forever. You know, I don't know how many times I saw Cadillac

and the whole family's like, what are we doing? You're in your Subaru doing 90 up the hill. Beep, beep, beep. Go for me, cock sucker. Why would you buy a car if they were giving one for free? Because I just wanted, like, you could buy a car and flip them. Oh, okay. So I was like, maybe I'll flip this car.

It was a little Toyota. They wanted $1,500, but they took like $3,000 out of my check. and I got pissed on a Saturday. And I fucking got an axe handle. And I went to top one of the cars. And I said, I want my money. I'm going to start breaking windshields in front of customers and shit. And this guy came over.

Because I already had an eight ball on my mind. Do it. Do it. I already had an eight ball on my mind. You can't do this to me. We got paid on a Saturday. And the check was light. And I had to pay rent.

But there wasn't enough for the eight ball. I already told the guy I was coming. He already had it. What do you mean you got money for the eight ball? It's a really weird dynamic with just what's about to happen in my life. When I'm screaming and yelling, I'm going to break the windshield. Jim Wheeler, who's my brother, comes out, and he's like, Joey, you're overreacting. Peter Pinto, who comes out, says, Joey, you're overreacting?

I was mad at Peter. I'm like, you lied to me on this fucking deal. You told me $1,500. You didn't say nothing about $800 dealers fucking tax and all this shit. And he's like, get off the car. We'll talk about it. I'm like, I'm not getting off the car. How many people are out there you think?

30 people. I'll be over there too. I'll be, over there too. I'm like, come on. I will break this fucking glass right now if I don't get my money. And there was a guy. If I was 24, this guy was about 42, 48. Tough guy.

Still built. I could tell you. he came from something. I just didn't know what. We got into a misunderstanding one day over a customer. At the last moment, he came home and said, and he gave me the guy's car. And I'm like, what's this? And he goes, I talked to the guy two days ago. I go, so you've been sitting there for two hours seeing me work with the guy. It's just the guy talked to you. You didn't jump in. Now, when the deal is done, you want to throw your car. I took the car and I threw it back at him. I don't work that way dog

Egglers you did not disrespect me like that I go think about what you're doing to me you're disrespect to me and he's like you know if you like that we could go outside you want to fucking go outside and all of a sudden all hell broke loose you know I didn't throw my hands he didn't throw his I told him to relax

you know I'll fuck you up you guys went outside though it was a bunch of holding it back no everybody held his back we went to the opposite corners That was it We avoided each other For like two weeks Three weeks

We just avoided each other We cut a deal I told him take 200 out That's it He agreed to it And that was it And In the middle of all

There's yelling and screaming That same guy Comes over And he goes Joseph Joseph And I go what And he goes How much money do you need

500 Get down he peels off five he goes here can i talk to you for a second sir and i go yeah and he goes i please advise you to go home you're going to ruin it for us and we're not going to sell no cars here and you're not going to sell no cars in the condition you're in and i'm like you're like a nosy motherfucker aren't you but you gave me a nickel i'm not going to argue with you i can get my cocaine i'll take that 500 and your two cents and i'm going to get the fucking and my buddy Carlos Valverdi drove me home

and I went and got my Coke and the whole thing more happened but I don't want to talk like this was a wild day Carlos asked me to use the bathroom two hours in the bathroom he comes out La Bamba out La Bamba. Yeah you know he's deep into the La Bamba powder

and he leaves I mean I'm living and I'm surrounded so I go back Monday we work out the car You know what? I didn't need this in my life. I had a buddy who worked down the corner at the Chrysler Puma store.

Let me go down there with him. Those are white people. They're the Hollisters. These two retarded brothers there, the father fucking drove down to town the stagecoach, so I'm supposed to be impressed. It's two retarded brothers. They bought the first Dodge dealership in town.

Who do I give a fuck? I go down there than the nicest white people in the world. Can I just say this is what I love about you? So far, we have robbed jewelry stores.

We have robbed gas stations. Now we're hustling auto dealerships. You said you seem to gravitate the one and then hustle the circuit. Then you're on to the nest. You're like different seasons. But I'm going to be as honest to God with everybody.

When I was at Bill Crout Subaru, those first 90 days. He's on the best. Bill Crouch. I took my job very seriously. I didn't steal nothing. I knew that the lot boy was stealing. I smoked pot behind the building.

I mean, that's not stealing. But I didn't do anything. I really tried to turn my life around. Let's get that straight. The ghost of cocaine was still calling me. I still had little bits of anger from my stepdad, but nothing seriously. The addiction was the most important thing.

What it was becoming. It was silent. I go over to Hollister. I get the fucking appointment and I get the job. I start working at Hollister, maybe May 15th. And you're a car salesman for Dodge Chrysler, you said? I start working over there, maybe June, July. Dodge Chrysler now.

Dodge Chrysler. I sell Chrysler and they sell Dodge across the way. I could sell I sell Chrysler I could sell Dodge if I have to but I don't want to go over that because they call themselves the Dodge Boys

so I didn't have time to fucking hang out with the Dodge Boys you know what I'm saying oh that's a good one Lee wait you get a whip for this right here Lee oh that sounded so wet

that's garlic that's supposed to be wet so so I go to to work for the hollisters. And you know what happens to me over there, man? I meet a Jewish guy. That is one of the best Jewish men I've ever met in my life. His name is Art Presley.

And Art knew the science of selling. He was a college graduate. He was from the Bronx. He was a big fucking Jew, six foot, whatever, sloppy. But when it came to selling, he was a bet. When he got up, if he got up off his desk, you're buying a car. He was intimidating and fuck too.

Not that he was, he was intimidating, he was Jewish, but he had a sweetheart and only a Jew would have. There was two Jews in that town like that. There was him and Dr. Mazzalca. Dr. Mazzalca was a big-ass Jew that delivered babies. And he was from the Bronx. He was from the Bronx. Him and his wife were both doctors in the same world.

He made house calls and shit? No, no, no, no. They delivered babies. but they were pediatricians, but they, there were a team. The wife was like this model, and then the husband was a guy like me, but only six or four, I had 50 pounds. And he would walk in and go, hey, you gained some weight this month. And everybody wanted to have a baby with Masuka

because he had saved a child one time when a woman was dying. So people actually scheduled their kids so they can have Misoka take their kids out. That's how busy his practice. was. So we'll get into that later. Right now, let's leave it. But it was Art Presler had that gift. When Art Presda got up, I don't care what you were apart. I don't care if you wanted your payment to be $350. He was getting you for $4.80. I don't know how he did it. And he started showing me how to do it. But our Presler also had advice. He sold Coke. I can't get away with it.

He sold him. I can't get away from it. He made a call. He used to make a call and the guy would come, but the business was so good at that job that he just used to have the guy come and drop an ounce off. And each salesman would take an eight ball.

It was fucking crazy. There was four salesmen. One kid was a great kid from South Dakota. I used to burn him on weed. He used to buy weeds with me, and I used to spray water in it and make it heavier. Then they'd get back to South Dakota. It was like a pound less. Like, what the fuck?

People would be getting back hands. The Indians would be smacking them. Then there was another guy that looked like Lee Harvey Oswald. That he was kind of creepy. He would get so coked up. People would bang on his window. Sir, sir, can you help us with a car? And he'd go, go away.

Go away. That's how coked up he would get. But there was this one guy that was a Coke fiend super salesman, and there was me against him every fucking month. And I would beat him by a witch's tit. What's your, like, what kind of number are you doing on a month like that? Are you in the teens? Like, what's a...

At that place, if you sold 10 cars, you were a fucking superstar. Yeah, a month. That was a free car, a bonus. After seven cars, it was free. And every car after that was five. 500, but it was a mom and pop store. I closed at eight. Yeah.

People went in there. You couldn't really pressure them. But 120 cars a year out of that's what you got to pull if you're doing 10 a month. I was pulling like $6,000 a month over there. I wasn't getting rich. And after taxes, I really wasn't getting rich, guys. But it was good money for a fucking 24-year-old. Yeah, yeah.

It was great money. I dressed nice. I looked nice. I felt good about myself, but I still had that monkey on my back. and then I started wiring the place. I had my buddy come into town and I got him a job on the lot on the lot and he started fucking, you know,

terrorized and like me and him were just... This is what we did. You get both of us together in your business. Your business is done. Your business is done. By August, I was... I'm snorting up a storm. The kid robbed the super salesman.

He started selling Coke because Art didn't want to sell it no more. But Rob would snort it and leave it in the office. He would hide it. And I would watch where he'd hide it. So I'd buy coke from him. And then at 6 in the morning when service opened, I would shoot down there, run in the office, go in the ceiling, take Coke out from every package, put aspirin powder in there,

close them up and put him back in the ceiling. You can't imagine this. I did this to him for like a month. On top of that, I was pulling a torture chamber on him. What's that? He used to love, he always believed he sold more cars when he had a red Parker pen. There was a mall across the street that sold pens. Things remembered.

And I figured out of the way how to rob him. I would go over. Get your shit engraved and all that. I would go over there and ask them how to get a cross pen. And then they would open the thing. They would open it. They would open the thing. and they'd walk away and I'd steal all the pens.

I mean, I was crazy. At this place, I went crazy. I got the key to the soda machine. It was my own personal ATM. I would go in there and just steal the change, and the guy would leave cash. He would leave cash for the change. Like $200, I would take the $200.

We were running amok over there. I mean, I was totally out of control. I was selling wheat to the Indians every Saturday. I was buying it from the creepy. guy at the strip at the body shot okay the white guy so this goes on over there at at this fucking thing we go into September where I remember the Twins to win the World Series or something like that twins yeah at that year 87 maybe the twins are in the world series somebody somebody weird I remember I started the World Series there the cocaine got so bad there that the general manager

came up and said, I got to break this ring up. You guys are way below average. Like, whatever the fuck is going on. We were four guys that did not want to talk to people. We were either up in the night before or we were just getting blasted. I mean, there was a room there

that they had coffee and cookies. If you were in the cabinet, they had every type of booze there. It became a really toxic place for me. I was living on Jack, Jack in the box seafood and crab salad Jack in the box used to have

a seafood and crab salad I thought I was eating that and I was healthy. It was horrible. Wasn't the Twinkies in there, 87? God damn it, Joey Hans. 87 was Twins against the Cardinal. There you go, you bad motherfuckers. Because the Indian kid was cheering

for the twins from Minnesota because he's from South Dakota. So all this shit's going on and I don't know what happened I got into, I really can't. I don't know what happened, people. Next thing, you know, I get into an argument with them, and my phone rings. It's my buddy Jim Wheeler.

He goes, what's going on down there? And I go, you know, I'm doing my thing, you know, and he goes, listen, Joey, Peter Pinto's gone. Wayne Means is here now. It's a different organization. They've been talking about you. What do you need? You need a little something to come over. I go, ask them to give me a nickel.

And I'll be over there tomorrow. And I went up to art like a man. And I told him I'm going to Bill Crouch. And he told me, he goes, you're making a mistake, Joey. We're going to clean this up over here. We're going to expand the Dodge. Don't leave. Don't go to Bill Crouch.

They're fucking crazy over there. I go there making $8, $0, $10,000 a month. I'm over here. I'm here 9 to 9 making $5 grand. It's a no brain. I get it. It's a different type of store. There's some people who like that mom and pop feeling.

I need action. Once I'm down for two hours, I'm done. I need to talk to people at nine. When people are dropping their car off for service, as they're walking out, what are he doing here? All nothing, I'm getting a certain, what happened? What year? And you start talking to him.

And that's how you saw the car. Because that guy you talked to, you didn't pressure him. When you see anything you like, nah, I like my car. Yeah, Subaru's are great. That's a tremendous car. But the next time you come looking for a car, that's for the Cuban.

So I go back to Bill Crout Subaru, and it is the beginning of November of 1987. It is a rock fest. Within the first three fucking days, I made $2,000. I mean, it was me, this guy named Stormin Norman Ouellette. Now, Stormin Norman O'Lette was in the halfway house. For what? He did something. He was one of the best salesmen I ever saw in my life.

Storm and Norman sold the first car of the day every day. Like before I got there, like Joey, what did you see this guy? Like, he just got out of jail. Watch. This guy's got like nine kids. Watch his magic. But when he was halfway out, this is so weird to see. Because I even dropped him off at the halfway.

house a few nights. A few nights, I do bumps with him, and I go, aren't you worried they're going to catch you? He'd go, I got all set up. He would get a hot water bottle with real piss and tie it to his body with a hose and then take the hose

and Scott's tape it to his dick and he let the hose open up. He had a cap on it. He knew when they were going to test him. I'm like, you're fucking nuts. You do all this to get high. And he this is what he did, you know.

So it was November of 87. I'm getting fucked up. One day, I pop up and who was there? That kid, Kent Vela, that I met before. Good looking young kid. Coke fiend, him, and this guy named Tom Holm. We're fucking all day. Like when I worked at them, as soon as you got there at 8.30,

you had a sales meeting by 9. One of them was in the car going to a liquor store. and they'd mix and they'd be out there with cups. You'd think they were drinking coffee. They were drinking martinis. You know, so I'm working with some heavy-duty fiends. But Jim Wheeler had my back. He was, I reported directly to him.

It was a liner closer store, but I closed my own deals with Jim. That was part of my deal. And this Wayne Means guy was a great fucking guy. But guess who else was there? The dude who gave me the 500, he was still working there. And me and him had still had kind of weird feelings. So it's like my second day back,

third day, fifth day back. I sold, I made $2,000 in five days, and I get there one morning and who's there but Kent. And I go, he goes, you remember me? go, hey, yeah, what's happened? What are you been? He goes, oh, you have no idea. At that time, I used to read the Boulder paper,

and there was a lot of drug things going on. A lot of weird cocaine shit. Some guy jumped off of a balcony. The cops were knocking on his door. He jumped off the balcony, and he broke both legs. A Cuban kid, his body disappeared from the University of Boulder campus. they can't

this car was blood splattered they couldn't find the details of what was going on and I read about this crazy guy that escaped from a fucking escape from a hospital or something like that

so I'm talking to this fellow guy and I go so where you've been he goes I had to go to Arizona for a few months I had a little problem here I go what was the problem he goes well I got a DUI and I crashed the car

and when they took me to the hospital I broke into the pharmacy stole a bottle of liquor, cocaine, and pills and ran out of there and they caught me so now they got me on these charges and I'm gonna have to do time and I go Fels all you're gonna have to do is like six or a year

it's no big deal he's like fuck that they're not putting me in jail you know and I put me in jail I got a fucking idea so that was I go you know what kind of idea how the fuck are you going to get out of jail? If you don't pay an attorney, you just started here,

you haven't sold any cars. When is your due date? And he's telling me what his due date is, blah, blah, blah. And then November of 87 was when the stock market crashed. Okay? So we went from selling a bunch of cars to dead. And still, Storm and Norman was selling a car a day. A day, huh?

A day. The world crashed. at the stock market crash of 87, what was the date? So that happened, and we were all on the lot. So there was a lot of desperation on the lot. So this Vela guy, that same morning, when I get there and I meet him, and he says, I, after about a half hour. October 20 seconds.

Yeah, so right there, it was terrible. Like I went over there, worked for about a week, and then it just went downhill. And then Vela came over. The Homeboy is still banging one a day out. Right, one a day out. So now I'm sitting there with Homeboy. And he says to me, can you give me a ride real quick? I have to get some.

I go, why can't you ride? He goes, because they have no driver's license. He goes, when I sell a car, I have to split it with everybody. So you'll be my partner on every car deal, which was nice because now I get, you know, and I'll take care of him. So I get a car. car and I where are you guys going? He needs to go to the post office.

So I had a P.O. box but next to it was a liquor store. It was 9.15 in the morning, gentlemen. That motherfucker went into the liquor store, came out with a bottle of vodka and started drinking it like it was fucking coffee. Then takes out this cocaine

and gives me a blast of it and it's super duper fucking coke. And we go back to the dealership and he's telling me about You know, can you get rid of any coke? And I'm like, you know, I could do whatever. I can do, I can do okay selling coke. And he goes, I got this guy, the guy I'm staying with.

He goes, my, I go, what is your plan? How are you going to get out of jail? He goes, what I'm going to do is I'm going to steal the coke from my roommate to sell on the street. Excuse me. Make enough money and go to Arizona and hide out. And I go, Kent, that's a lot. That's not a good idea because there's a thing called a warrant. Yeah, that's not hard to find.

You know, it's 87, not 1927. So I ask him, I go, how much coat are you talking about? And he goes like, and right away, my shit goes right up. And I'm like, this guy's going down. I'll never forget, like, talking to him and going in and I could use long distance at the dealership. I knew the code. On the phones, yeah. And I still remember calling my buddies in Jersey

and them telling me what they're doing. The parties they're having in the Hunter Martin Mountain. They're getting fucked up. That one night they were getting chased by cops and they threw coke out the window. And the next day they went back and there was a bunch of deer that were dead eating the coke. And I'm like, what the fuck are you guys talking about?

And they're like, what the fuck are you doing with your life in Colorado? Get back. You're missing a party. We're snorting every fucking night. Nobody's got jobs. We're all getting taken care of. I'm like, fuck it.

I'll be on the next plan, and I'm coming with a package. I'm going to rob this fucking guy. So I take this guy home that night, and I'm milking them for more information. I'm like, how much money are you looking for the two kilos? And he's like, I don't know what he told me, you know? And I go, you know what?

I know a guy. So I ran home, I ran back to the dealership, and I called my buddy. God rest his soul, Darren Raygo. And I go, Darren, I got a pigeon, bro. If you come out here, we could take this motherfucker down, and it's two kilos, it's pure. And he tells me, goes, Coco, I can't, I got this job. Because this was like a rush job. This is like, we're going in, like, in two days.

We got to do this. So I go home that night, and my buddy was living with me. He was my brother. He's my best friend. I know his mother. I know his grandmother. They took me in their house. I could have asked him to do it.

But I didn't feel right. I didn't want to, I don't like taking people down dark streets. If that's what you want to do, I'll give you work. But I'm not going to talk Lee into Robin the Bank. That's not fair to Lee. I'm not that type of person. I've never been that type of person. if Lee comes to me and he goes

Joey I want to fuck 10 hookers and get my balls licked I go do you have $2,000 and he'll go no I'll go well I do know a place where there's $3,000 and if you help me rob it I'll give you the two to get your balls left if Lee goes if you could do that

I can make that happen let's go take this motherfucker down I was one of those guys oh you need that okay well if you need this I'm the type of guy that I know where there's five grand but you got to go home and get you your mop or a knife, you gotta do something. It's very helpful. You gotta earn your keep.

You gotta be a half a lookout. You gotta kick somebody in the stomach. You gotta do something. Half a lookout. Yeah, you gotta be a half a lookout. I work with a half a lookout. So I drop this Vela off and I go home and I'm banging my head off the wall of how I'm gonna rob this guy.

Because no matter what, I'm gonna have to show him some cash. I got a flash. If he's looking for 40 or 30, I got a flash 10 at him for him to open up. And then I'll just take the kilo and the 10 back. You know what I'm saying? Like, you know me. I'll work it one way or the other.

So I'm banging my head for two fucking days. How the fuck? And he's bringing Coke to work. And this Coke is electric. It's real 1987 powder. You know, it's just beautiful. You could smell it before you, walked in the room. I mean, it was just perfect. I could have cut it and made a fucking payday with

it. The girl I'm dating at the time, we're not doing so good. We were together four years, but the relationship was a little stale since she moved in with her mother. The first three years of our relationship, we were together all day. Now, we're like, you know, we see each other twice during the week and then we'd mess around on the weekends. But it was usually drug-related. We'd start getting high Saturday night. You know, it was kind of weird. She was graduating from some, like, hair-cutting salon,

and I didn't go to the graduation. I was too busy selling cars. So we didn't talk for, like, two or three days. And in those two and three days, I figured out that the only guy that was going to help me Rob, this fucking Vela guy was the goofy guy

with the motorcycle and the pit bull. Yeah. He got that sold a weed. So I go to him and I kind of tell him what's going on and he's like, that's perfect because I was looking for a big

heist. I go, what are you looking for a house or whatever? He goes, no. And right here, I should have known, I should have shot myself. He goes, nah. he goes, there's this stripper I'm in love with. Her name is Jennifer.

I don't know if her name was Jennifer guys. I'm just using a name here. He tells me a name is Jennifer or whatever that he's got a problem. She's living in his house. She's living in his bedroom, but he's sleeping on the couch because she wants to be with him, but she can't because she's Catholic. And she's still married. And until she gets divorced, she can't be with him.

Wait a second. You met her at an all-nude strip-plod. B-Y-O-B-all-nude. And the woman was gorgeous. Let's not get me wrong here. I would cut somebody's finger off of this brook. Okay? I've never heard anybody's saying that.

Somebody's finger was coming off of this broad. She was beautiful. Big Tate's nice, juicy-ass. She was beautiful. Half Spanish, white. Just a knockout. She was, she was working this poor fucking idiot. So he goes, I'm in.

I'm in. I'll rob him with you. So we set it up for the following Tuesday. Like all weekend I'm stalling him. He's like, you got to get a buyer. You got to get a buyer. I got a buyer. But I'm making, I'm telling them I got the Indians from South Dakota.

They're going to send somebody down. Give me till Tuesday. Till Tuesday. Tuesday. and the whole weekend went by he's calling me and I'm going over there picking up go give me a little gram on the arm

until Tuesday until the Indians come nobody knows nothing and he's stealing from his roommate the whole fucking thing and Tuesday comes Tuesday morning comes I got a call from Tidwell that was the idiot

with the car and the dogs and shit and he goes my mother owns a house on 28th Street that's vacant bring a over there, we'll get him to bring the Coke before I flash the money, I'll be both ears, handcuffed both ears, and then I'll leave and I'll split the money with you.

I like the idea, but I didn't. I don't want to get a handcuff with nobody. There was no cell phones in those days. And also, just don't trust anybody. And I just knew that this guy, something wasn't right. So I wake up that morning, November, Tuesday, the 18th, 1987. I got a dental appointment. Like tomorrow at 9 in the morning, I got a dental appointment.

Because I have a tooth. That's my cocaine tooth. Wow. Yeah. It cracked the other day. That was my original cocaine tooth. When I stopped doing coke, that tooth was black. And I went to the dentist, this fucking Jewish guy in Beverly Hills.

He wanted 2,000, just went to walk him. He was one of those dentists because he was like Jamie Lee Curtis's somebody like thought like that's a dentist I needed. I asked a friend like do you have a dentist? Yeah he's in Beverly Hills what? There's none in the valley. So this guy

told me he goes to your little cocaine tooth He knew. It's going to cost like 25,000 I'm like I don't have 25,000 I go uh he goes What do you have? It was like three days before Christmas I go 500 and they goes, I'm going to put a cap on it. It's only going to last for about six months.

Well, it lasted 13 years. Did it really? It fell off during fucking COVID. I can't even smile. I'm thankful for the fucking mask. I look like Hillbilly Joe walking around. So I fucking set it up for Tuesday at 1 o'clock in the afternoon. The plan was I go pick him up.

He gets the blow, brings it. We walk in. He robs us. He takes the Coke. He goes to a certain spot. We walk out of there. When I get home, I call Tidwell, and we split the take. That was the plan.

I did not like it. I felt I was going to get cheated some way or another. So I go, let me figure. Let's see how we could do this. Maybe I could get to this. before this. So I call Vela, he tells me to pick him up. I go to his house, and the funny thing is that when I pull up in front of his house,

I make a mental note that, hmm, he lives across from the halfway house from BCTC, where I used to drive normal Lennett at night. Okay, this is fucking weird. This is how weird life is. I even made a mental note. He's right there by Storm and Norman. So I go upstairs. It's about 12 and a half to 12 o'clock.

I walk in. I give him a hug. He's already jazzed up. This kid had been up for like three days. He goes, you want to a line? Yeah. We go in the room, we do a line. He opens up the draw.

And he shows me the bottom of a grinder. And it's pretty much filled. Next to the grinder, there's about 2,000 in cash. And next to the cash, there's a baggie with like a loose ounce. And I go, where the kilos are the kilos at? And he goes, the kilos are in the ceiling in the living room. You have to push up the ceiling tile and then get the kilo. He goes, it's in the middle.

So what I'm going to do is just take a sample. So right there, I'm fucked. I go, no, you got to. bring it all. This guy wants to buy it all. He just don't want a sample. He goes, no, I'm going to give him a nice eight ball sample that's in here. And there's still a baggie here that's an ounce. Because he went in there and did a couple bumps first. And it was all rocky. It was close to an ounce. So he closes the draw. And I'm like, I'm already fucked. I hope that Tidwell is smart enough that when he gets down there

he could flash the cash and we come back and rob this fucking guy once and for all so me and Vela get in my car we drive down to fucking whatever's place now for sake of argument

I could you know I have a weapon in the trunk that I had had from 85 in Aspen when I was buying guns. I always kept

one nine millimeter. I didn't plan on using it. There was nothing. I walked in the house with Tedwell. First of all, there's no fucking furniture. I'm like walking into the Irishman. You might as well put plastic

on the floor. So he comes out with his fucking pit bull. Why is the pit bull here? He's like, did you bring the stuff? I'm like, yeah, show him. Kent. Kent shows him to coke And he fucking pulls out A gun

Immediately Immediately Immediately And then Crows a machine gun at me And he goes Joey tie him up So now I'm the bad guy

Oh shit Now you just drew me into the shit You dumb motherfucker So the kids looking at me Like what's going on here I go Listen We're taking that coke you know, I had to break the bad news to him.

He was like, you can't, I need that. I'm going to go to jail. I'm like, listen. We're taking that code. This is the dude you've worked with all this time and everything, yeah. So we're taking the Coke. I'm sorry. It's just ours.

It's all. You know, so for me, I'm getting a kilo. I could do a lot with a kilo. I could sell 10,000. For me, I was going to get 10,000 and snort the rest. and let the pieces fall where the fuck they made, Jack. I got 10,000 cash. I don't give a fuck.

10,000 to me in those days was going to be a million dollars. So he throws me the gun, you know. But originally the plan was you're a hostage also. You don't know nothing. Not like that. I say face and the whole thing.

Fucking weird situation. So now, This is where it gets tricky. You know, it's in court documentation, so I'm not saying nothing out of line. For you people who are waiting for me to say something out of line. Tidwell goes, I'm going to go to his house and check it out. I go in the draw, and that's where the coke is at.

I didn't tell him nothing about the ceiling. Okay. I didn't say nothing about the ceiling for a reason. We take Vela into the room, we tie him up, we gag them, and we put the pit bull in the room with him. And we tell him not the fucking move. And the whole time, he's like, Joey, why are you doing this to me? I feel terrible to this day. This is why I did what I did for that kid.

So this fucking jerk off comes back, and he goes, man, I didn't find anything in that draw. I just found $300 in an eight ball. You're lying to me. there was an ounce of coke in 2018 on Lowe or something like that 30 fucking years ago what do I know so I go really

that's what you're trying to tell me I go well I saw a fucking ounce and I saw $2,000 he goes that's not what was in the draw I'm telling you right now I go really well I'm going to go over there and take a look

and he goes what am I going to do with him I go I don't know you created this fucking proud. And as I walked to the door, he, like, clicked the gun. He's like, if you leave, I'm going to be, I'm going to have to shoot him and shoot you. I knew this guy couldn't hurt himself. This guy was trying to be a man worse than anything else in his life. And I remember looking at him going, you're not going to shoot nobody, dog. And I went out of that fucking car and I had a gun in the trunk. And I go, you know what I should do? Because this is not going to end good. But I, look at the situation I'm in. Look at what the fuck situation I'm in. This is not

going to end good. The only way this ends is by me shooting both these motherfuckers in a residential area at 1 o'clock in the afternoon of Boulder, Colorado. I'm like this. This is, and I'm sitting out there, I popped the trunk, I fucking pick up the carpeting, I actually took the gun, I looked at it for a minute. And something made me. think of my mother something like this is not I go let me go south it's just fucking thing

and I got in that fucking car made a U-turned I shot over there like a bat out of the house and they had like a kind of half a fact door man like hi welcome to the hotel the regency house who are you going to see and then he would buzz him

when I got out of the car you could tell my body language he didn't even ask like he just opened the fucking door and I I went in, I got on the elevator, I went to the door. I didn't even use the key. I just kicked the fucking door down.

I was so fucking furious that I had let myself be taken. Now, I got to get whatever pieces I can and get the fuck out of Dodge. I kicked the fucking door down. I went in the draw. There was nothing there. And I'll never forget to have like a coffee thing in the living room. I moved the fucking table out of the way. And I jumped up like a gorilla that I am.

I was about 220 at the time. and I grabbed onto the whole ceiling and I just pulled it to fuck all down half of it came down there was dust and all of a sudden you just heard poof and it was two fucking rocks of coke one had been broken into already with a little bit of a seal was taped back on

I grabbed those motherfuckers I looked around I put them in a bag I ran downstairs when I walked out in the hallway there was three people on the hallway like what happened I'm like I don't I just walked right past him. I don't know how he's pointing back. I fucking went downstairs.

I'll never forget just walking out and the doorman seeing me. And me just, I remember I parked my car away. I had to walk a little bit, but I walked past the halfway house. And I'm like, fuck. And there's a newspaper stand on the other edge of the halfway house.

I put the cocaine on the bottom ledge. Whenever you got buying newspaper For now and you open it up, look at the bottom ledge. That's where old school drug dealers used to do drug. No shit. So the old school where you could put a quarter in and open the door, you could take all the papers. Yes.

The bottom ledge. All right. I'm just going to go pay to see one now. So I hit the Coke in the bottom ledge. I ran home. I called a buddy in mine and I told him, warm up a car, get a car. You got to go to Aspen.

I called a friend of mine and asked me. And I said, still move coke tonight and he goes i can move whatever you bring me i go you got two kilos on the way a one and a half send me this number whatever number you could send me i knew him he was a dear friend of mine and within an hour the kid had to coke on the way to ask him i had gone back and taken like ah 17 grams out of the bag and then i went home and i was like what the fuck do i do i do now. I have to wait for this guy to go to Aspen

and I don't know what's going to happen with these two fucking idiots. It's Brian Sickley, you can't write this shit. You can't. You cannot write this. That's why I'm sitting here listening on the edge of my seat every episode. My buddy goes to fucking comes back from whatever work and he goes, how to go.

Because he knew it was going to happen. I just didn't want him involved. How was your day? And I said it wasn't it. It didn't go too good. This is what happened. I go, you want a line of Coke? He's like, sure. So we started doing a couple lines.

And all of a sudden, you're here on the door. And I looked at the window, it's fucking the dude with the pit bull. And I go, what do you want? He's out now? Yeah, he, you know, I left him at his house with the fella in the room with a dog. I don't know what happened. This is four hours later. He knocks on my door.

He's like, I need to talk to you. I go, what do I do? He goes, what do I do with him? I go, I don't know. It's your fucking problem. He goes, that's my fucking mother's house. You know what happens if I got arrested at my mother's house? I don't know.

You should have thought of that before he tried to rob me. He goes, I didn't rob me. That's all that was there. It was 200. I'm telling you right now, that's all that was there. He goes, you don't understand. I need 10,000 to get fucking married. If I get that money, she'll divorce the guy,

and I get mad. And I'll never forget looking at him going, this poor fucking bastard. This is all over some pussy. This is all over. for pussy. He's like, I need this fucking money. I told I'd have the money tonight.

She's going to the attorney tomorrow. She could file for divorce tomorrow afternoon. And I could be fucking her in three months. Once a divorce is over, I need this fucking money. And then he goes, you got to do me a fucking favor. I know these guys, I got two blocks of hash. They're staying out of hotel. Get your gun.

Let's go over. And I go, do you not understand? It's over? I go, where's Kent? He goes, he's in the trunk of a car. He goes, I'm going to take him down the fucking the bus station And put him on the bus I suggest you get going

He goes, you're coming with me I go, I ain't going nowhere I ain't going to fucking nowhere And I think if the truth was I pulled my piece on him I think that I finally go Dog get the fuck off my thing Don't ever fucking come on this lot again Make believe you never fucking know me

I went back inside My girlfriend went home She knew something was going on fucking that night I went across the street for dinner I got the trout almond Dean it was the special like like 695 a potato got the trout almond meat salad yeah and Kent's in a trunk right now the guys in the truck and I'm like I'm gonna look up trout almond D I have never even heard of that shit I want to know what's it Colorado I want to know what's it I just love here the same

level of excitement for those tons of trout in Colorado so you you guys to make it all the What's the sauce? What's all the do? What is that? Ammons. Oh, yeah, man.

What the fucking think of deal with? God, that sounds good. I'm international. We got Lake Trout in Baltimore. We don't have no trout almonds. Speaking of Baltimore, Jimmy's seafood. Yeah. The best.

The best. The best seafood out there, no doubt. It's mainly almonds. Yeah. Let's see if I can find the recipe. That does sound good. I've never had that. Trout with almonds, huh?

There was a bar across the street. And that was the special night. It was like Trad Armandine or a fucking skinny steak with AIDS. It says it's butter, shallots, lemons, and almonds. That sounds like it. And they'd give it to you without the head, just the skin. You just eat the skin. Fucking delicious.

You understand me? Spray that up. Spray it up. Do most criminals have Trot Armandine for dinner of the night? No, I just decided to have Trout Armandine. He's having trout. I went back to the house. I stopped up to liquor, storm, back to the house.

I knew I had a dilemma. I knew that something was not going to go right. And I went home, and I proceeded to snort that Coke line by line and drink. And at some point, I just passed out from mental exhaustion and worrying myself to death. Even after that Coke and everything, you must have been wiped out. I was wiped out. I knew that this was not going to be. good. Somewhere along

the line, he's going to bite me in the ass. And sure enough, the next day I wake up to, and I look out the window like that, you know, I can look out the window not them knowing. And it was the kid who detailed cars now at Subaru. And he had a name.

I forget what his name was. Which one? The weed guy? Not Lester the Molester. He had like a different name. Like, fucking uh, blazing Brett.

Hazen. No, that was his sales name. That was his name. He was a detailer, but he was blazing because we used to give him Coke. So he would wash

like 18 cars in 10 minutes. Blazian, Brett Hazen. I love brazen, Ben Hazen. Good white dude, solid, solid family. He just snorted Coke from seven,

from ding to dong. Dig to dong. By 9 o'clock, he'd be out there. It'd be 30 degrees. He'd be washing cars and no shirt on. You know what I'm saying?

30 degrees, October. He's out there, no shirt on it's how coked up he is. He don't even feel the weather. He's out there sprinkling water and shit. Blazing, Brett, haze and knocks on my door. I go, Brett, what's going on? He goes, open the door. He goes, man, I hate to be the Brad, bad news.

But at work right now, they got to play surrounding with cops. They're looking for you. They, there's something happened. And I go, are you serious? He goes, yeah, they're trying to get your address right now. and Wayne Means is stalling them. They're all fucking stalling them right now. But here's the weird thing,

that the night before the day I went to the dentist, you know that dude that gave me the $500, and we'd ever talked, I was standing outside. It had to be about 715, and the sun was setting. Same guy you said, you're a nosy motherfucker, huh?

That one? I just didn't like him. He was older. but I knew he deserved respect. I just, at that age, I wasn't going to give it to him. I thought he was a shithead for what he did, trying to cut it on my deal. And in those days, I used to take that type of shit personally.

Don't hit me with that. If it's your deal for real, then the guy would have asked for fucking Ryan, okay? You're not going to show up at the end. That was the kind of shit. It was like joke stealing, stealing, you know? It was one of the taboos of the business, and he was going to pull it on me.

So I felt I didn't have to talk to him. But maybe a night or two before I did that, hideous crime, I was standing outside by myself, and he came up to me. And he goes, hey, do you have a minute? And I remember, you know, like somebody asking you if you have a minute when you hate them? I go, yeah, what's up? And he goes, I don't know if you know this. But before I came to work here, I was the entertainment director at a casino.

know, Las Vegas. I booked everybody. Have you ever considered doing stand-up comedy? This is the guy. I'm like, are you fucking serious? That's the advice you have for me. But I should become a stand-up comic. He's like, you're a stand-up comic.

And I was like, thank you for that. And I didn't take it with a grain of fucking salt. And now I've been looking up my fat. You know, his name comes in and out. Like, I should have wrote it down, but I didn't. that was the first time somebody was like so here's this guy that does not like me and I'm not crazy about him

comes up to me one night and tells me that I should be doing stand-up comic that he knows of the sure you don't even same and he pushes you on the path how about that man that's crazy isn't that crazy so blitzing Brett hazes on my joint stuff and he goes the cop's gonna be in about eight minutes

Get everything you need. So that night I had finished the Coke. I took the fucking scale I had. I already knew. Anything coke-related, I put in two bags, and I walked in one direction to walk the dog, and I dumped it behind the supermarket, and then I walked an extra half mile,

coked up, and walked it behind another guy's personal garbage. I went home, the house was clean, wiped down the table, vacuumed, sprayed lysaw, There was no residue of cocaine, nothing. I knew the cops were going to come. It was just a matter of when. Sure enough, he goes, you got to go. Thank God I fucking show.

Like, I fucking showered, got dressed, and as I was walking up the corner, the cops were coming down my block with their lights on. How many of them? Two cop cars and one detective car. They pulled up in my house. They approached slowly. You know, they knocked.

You're watching this. I'm watching this. They knocked the door. Are you hiding? Are you just... I'm across the street at the supermarket behind the beam. And they can't see me.

I'm watching them behind the beam. They didn't peek it out from behind a beam at the supermarket. They didn't kick my door open and anything. They just walked around the premises. They couldn't walk on the one side because the dog was back there. So I didn't want them to shoot my dog or nothing like that. So I watched them all, go to the front, talk,

and then two cop cars, left and they left a cop car outside to see if I would come home. So I called a girl, me and her on the outs. I go, you're not going to believe this. The cops are looking for me. You got, I'm like, Jesus fuck. Where are you? I go, I'm a rouse on, not rouse.

King Supers. That's the supermarket chain. I go, King Supers on, blah, blah, blah. And she goes, okay, give me about 25 minutes. I'll meet you in the front. low. So I'm watching these fucking cops and I reach. I'm like, where's my weed?

In those days, I was getting weed sent out. Boot Thai wheat, chocolate tie wheat. I'm mad, yeah. I've had it out of New York. I was like, fuck this. I walked all the way around. I jumped the fence behind my house. And I went in my back door.

The cops never even knew it. Come on. I went in, I got my weed, my pipe on my lighter. And a guy's still sitting out there? They're out there drinking. talking about fucking how they're arrested Jesse James and all these shit. And here's a

fucking 25 year old I was 24 sneaking behind the house boom. My girlfriend picked me up and she goes, we're lucky because my parents went away for the week. So we could just go up there and you have no excuses.

Like it all worked out. So I went up there on a Wednesday and then Thursday I was kind of bored and I would go down the hell and call my buddy at his job and ask him what's going on and he would tell me the cops snooping around they're looking for you

there's an article in the paper about it that there's one guy they're looking for still so I was like fuck so they did pinch the other dude they got him yeah how they arrested him was he was driving without his headlights on it's always something stupid they got pulled over and they heard guy in the trunk kicking and fucking moaning.

Wait, he didn't get pulled he got pulled over with the dude in the trunk not just some shit like Nah, come on. Yes. My story is God written. Only Steve fucking Martin could write the story.

I was involved with a complete nincompooh. He was an idiot. He was driving with his headlights off with a guy in the trunk. The cop asked him for license of registration. All you heard It was like Goodfellas. Let me out.

Tommy, I know you. Tommy, I know you. I know you all my life. So here's the funny story. The victim never mentioned my name. The victim said ratted Tidwell out. Tidwell ratted me. So it's Thursday night.

I'm bored to pieces. Jim Wheeler kept telling me to watch above the law with Steve Segal. had just come out. Tremendous Steven Segal movie. You've never seen Steven Segal. That is a good story. Yeah, he's a joke today. Yeah.

But his first three movies were tremendous. That one being tremendous. I rented that another movie that was hot at the time that I'd never watched before called Leto Weapon. Leto Weapon was hot off the presses. So I went to get weed, and I went to the video store, and it was across the street from the Kmart

where I used to rob years later I used to rob the seats there were three phone boots I went to the phone booth and I, because my friend said the detective left his car do you want his number and I go yeah I write it so I call the detective up

and it's like who is this Joey Diaz hold on they would put me on hold to trace the call and I would hang up and I'd call back and I'd hang up and I'd call back and I'd hang up and I'd call back and I'd hang up and finally

they're like I'm detective whatever and I'm like what's going on? He goes listen I need to talk to you it's not important it's just a few questions

and let's just get this figured out and I go alright and he goes where are you and I look up and I'm about to say Kmart but there's in Albertsons about 400 yards from me I go I'm at Albertsons

and he goes wait for us we'll be right there and hang up the phone and not three minutes later I see a cop car dashing into Albertsons with its lights on I'm seeing all these cops come in there

and I'm seeing them get out of their cars and run into Albertsons with their gun I'm in my car rolling the joint watch them you're not nervous at all? I'm like I'm dead what are you going to do across the street they didn't trace the car

I didn't give them enough time I was on the clock jack I know exactly when that phone clicks. And you're using all three of them? Yeah, I'm using all three of them. I was a bad motherfucker. Oh yeah. So when I saw all those cops, I was like, this ain't a game. They're gonna fucking get me.

So I went home to my girlfriend. I told her what I had seen and we agreed on turning myself in. There was only a problem. I had a big fucking problem. On that night, Miami Vice, Don Johnson was marrying Sheena Easton. You were a huge Miami. It was the wedding. I'm a huge Miami Vice fan.

I'm waiting for this fucking wedding. I'm getting a gramma blow. I'm getting Chinese food. I'm fucking my girlfriend and I'm going to celebrate the wedding. My man Crockett is going to marry Sheila fucking Easton on national TV. I got a

fucking dilemma here. Dilever. You think you're retarded? This is real retardation. I was like I got the cops looking for me and I'm worried about a wedding. Not even a real wedding. Not even a real wedding. I mean,

I mean, I'm imaginary wedding. That's to let people know. You know, like when you guys on Patreon, I'm 24. I don't know what to do. Let me tell you what I was doing at 24.

I was going to imaginary cocaine weddings. I'm the guy you want to listen to. I've done everything stupid in the world. I didn't even tell you what happened. You're not after I ate that pill. I found the pill on the floor. He was one right. Yeah, no, it wasn't a joke at.

This was a fucking boogaloo pill and I ate it. I had a rough night that. I fell asleep on my wife twice, like talking to her. She's like, where are you going? She goes, you fell asleep, talk with me. Anyway, I know I'm in trouble, but I got this wedding. I'm going to say, like, he's really going. I think you'd be like the best man in your head or something.

I got this wedding to go to. You're going to watch Elvis's alligators. Is he there? So I said, fuck this. I'll turn myself in by nine. I'll talk to them. I'll talk about this. You mean 9 a.m. on Saturday morning so you can watch Friday night.

Because if I remember correctly, wasn't Miami Vice Friday night at 10 p.m. Was it 9? 9 at 10. Yeah, yeah. I go, if I go in that 9 and talk to them, I'll be home by 8. So I go down there, I give my wife, my ex-wife, my girlfriend at the time. I give it like 40 bucks I go remember pick up

up egg fu young pork fried rice I should be up there by eight I'll call you that you can pick me up or take the bus up or whatever you know and I remember going up to police station going where it's detective call out's office you know like it's up there

I remember going up there and there was nobody standing outside there was a buzzer I'm like and they're like who is and I'm like Joey Diaz and I'm like hold on okay come in And when I open the door, every cop in that office is holding a gun.

Really? Get on your knees. Get on your knees. And also, they come out. Mr. Diaz, you're arrested for kidnapping one, kidnapping two, aggravated robbery. Put your hands behind your neck. Is there somebody you want to talk to, you know, they read me to a ride. Are you freaking out at that point?

No, I'm like, what are you arresting me for? I didn't do nothing. I fucking helped you guys. I took a fucking drug deal off the streets. I'm a superhero. Why are you treating a superhero like this? superheroes lives matters How quickly did you think about the wedding though

Like how quickly are you Do you realize like oh shit I ain't go see this wedding There's no DVR back man I'm not to fucking drop it on these But we still have the VCR You had the VCR yet the CERR You had to set it So

I turned myself in at 915 And they're like do you want to talk to us And I'm like, absolutely. I'll tell you whatever you want to hear. And they asked me what I knew, and I gave them like a half-ass version. And then I would just tell them stories. They would tell you,

I got my driver's license test in Colorado. And they're like, what? And they're like, what does this have to do with that? I'll never forget telling them that story. And they're like, that's great. Okay, can we get back to this? So when did you last see Kent Vela? I didn't see Kent Vela.

Were you didn't see him at the house? No. I saw him before. He said he was going to Arizona on a trip. I was just, and after a while, I listened, we didn't want to talk to you.

No. You got bail. That's it. And they put me in Boulder County Jail. They gave me a pack of cigarettes. In those days, they'd give you cigarettes, and they put me like in this fucking thing

that was paradise. I could keep my own clothes. My girlfriend brought me clothes the next day. So you missed a wedding? I missed a wedding. No. By the time I got to my room, everybody was catching the wedding. It was on in jail?

No, you saw it in jail. The last half hour. It was happy as fuck. But no Chinese food. But no Chinese food. You can't always get everything. And then I... Wow.

Holy shit. Oh, my God. And then they made a big deal of it. By the time I got sentenced, by the time I got charged, they had accused me of kidnapping the Cuban kid. They had tied me into that. Oh, okay. So they tied every drug rip to me now.

They were like, we're looking at them for other possible situations, the murder of Alberta or something. I'm like, what? And they're like, disappearance of this. I'm like, no, no, no. Whoa, Nellie. Whoa, Nellie. I tried to take drugs off the street.

That was my only crime here, but they wouldn't go for it. So I think I spent Thanksgiving in jail. Damn. I went from November 9th, November 20th. I spent Thanksgiving in jail, and then my ex-wife girlfriend at the time went to her father and told him the truth. Told him I made a mistake. You know, the guy always knew I worked.

I hustled. I used to go up there on satellites and help them cut trees and shit. so she goes make an appointment for him to come see me and he came to see me and he asked me what happened and he told me not to leave out of detail and I told him the truth and he said he bailed me out and three days later I was bailed out to his supervision do you remember what bail was it's probably bail was originally 50 gs once he got involved they loaded to three g's cash it's only 10% anyway right so they dropped it from 5 to 3

just straight up getting it dropped to 2000 yeah that's wrong drop to 2000 and I'd be signed out to his custody to stay with him so I pretty much lived with my girlfriend's family for like the first month like that

whole month of December they were like it's best that you stay here with us for the holidays and I was a fucking mess I was a mess Like, I was a mess. I was trying to get attorneys from all over the country.

Like, I was thinking like I was like a mobster and shit like that. And they're like, we want 30,000 just to get on the plane. I'm like, what? So that's a different story in itself. Like, that's me getting out of that. I think I stayed in there for 16 or 17 days. It was something weird. because it fucked with me.

I came out and Jim Wheeler was a manager at a Subaru store. He gave me a job for about a month and a half. I only sold one car. Damn. I couldn't even sell cars. I was so unfocused. Was that 16 or 17 days

as long as you'd been in jail to that point? Yeah. The whole situation that messed with me because then it got cleared up to me that Bella never ratted. It was Tidwell, but let me tell you what happened. Tidwell got arrested in Jefferson County.

So when they brought Tidwell in, a clerk did a background check on him and realized he had a warrant for $19. He paid the $19 and they let him out by mistake. So Tidwell was wanted before. So he made himself look worse. Then he eventually turned himself in. I got out of jail.

I fucked up the job with the thing. It was a funny story because it's going to sound bad, but let's say it anyway. It doesn't sound great so far. At first, I had to get an attorney, but since he got arrested the night before, he got a public attorney. Okay. When you got represented by a public attorney, that means I can't get represented by a public attorney because it's conflict of interest. so they have to get me a court appointed attorney.

Well, the court appointed attorney, they got me. His name was Sunny Flowers. And what his claim was... The name is that? Sunny Flowers. Another big black dude, six foot six. What do you want to do? The only problem was he was scared of black people.

He was black, but he was scared of black people. Six, six, he's scared? He was raised like very high. My name is Sunny Flowers. But his claim to fame was. his grandmother was the first African-American woman to get a law degree from the University of Colorado. Man, that's huge.

So they... All right, son. Yeah, but he wasn't doing nothing to me. So what good was he was selling me out. You know what I'm saying? I thought Cuban lives mattered. What happened? Now, Cuban.

What the fuck? What happened? So I played him like a fiddle throughout January and February because I knew I couldn't go into the courtroom, but I knew he was in conflict. I had been around. courts enough to know he was incompetent.

So I played him. I played him until he brought me the first offer. The first offer was nine years and I got to plead the kidnapping to fuck you. Hold on. You're off, Mike. I can't, can you hear him all right? I think we should be able to know.

Yeah. There you go. So wait, say, I'm sorry. I'm my first. I went in there to see something one day and he goes, oh, by the way, I got an offer. for you. It made you a great deal. This is Sonny's telling you what they already came back with.

They're not going to do nothing better. He goes, just nine years and kidnapping, too. I'm like, what did you say? I go, do you sell me a dog? You got to fight to me. There's no fingerprints on the machine gun. There's none of this. There's none out. What puts me there? What the fuck is going on here?

So I got into kind of an argument with him. And he's like, well, if you feel that way, but this is what I wanted because I wanted to kill time. The more time I killed, the more chance I had the victim would disappear without me killing him. He's a loose cannon. Without me, kill him. He got a rat.

I mean, listen, he couldn't testify against me because, and today with dear friends, like, we just spoke about 11 days ago. But at that time, he couldn't testify because they were going to bring up the story about him robbing the pharmacy. He had no credibility. You know what I'm saying? They took you to the hospital. They went to stitch you up.

What do you do? You break into the fucking pharmacy and steal coke and run out of there. And he had done a couple of a lot of things. So they didn't really have that strong of a fucking case. But I couldn't take the chance. So I had a set of date to fire my attorney in front of the judge. So I knew that would kill three more months.

you see what I'm saying to get me a qualified attorney to attack this a different way I knew how this was going to be attacked I had to come up with the attack myself I was going to be attacked but I needed somebody to hatch the plan with me

and he was way better than me until today I love him his name is Phil Dubois he's the one he's out of Colorado Springs he was a genius he took me on as a client when I fired Sunnyflower

hours and I went to court that day. The judge said to me, Mr. Diaz, before you leave, go to my court clerk and ask her what to give you a list of attorneys. I had already picked my attorney, but I went back there were there anywhere to play the game. When I went back there, there were three cops back there. There was Jimmy Colour and there was two DA agents. And they were like, hey, how are you doing? You remember us? And they threw an envelope down.

And they're like, what happened? You don't go back to Aspen no more? Aspen's no good. And I'm like, what are you talking about? And they're like, you were living up in Aspen, you were having a great time selling blow, flying it back, selling guns, we just miss you

by getting you this much, but we could still bring those charges back. We have proof. I don't know what you're talking about. And they started putting pictures out of me at the airport. They've been following you that long. Oh, yeah. How many years?

They had been following me. I got hot to them like September of 86 to November of 86. And they were just watching because a girl in Aspen, an accountant, was a city accountant. She got caught robbing. So when they pressed charges, she said, What if I give you drug dealers? They asked her, what were you spending the money on drugs?

So they made her own a husband go out and buy drugs from different drug dealers. And then they caught on to me with the guns. And then, like, there was other drug people that ratted me out. That they had, you know, they bought the cops off. I mean, there was some big-time fucking headers up there at the time. So they came to me, they showed me all those pictures, and they said, we could cut your deal. We know you're involved.

we could press charges. Listen, if you could have press charges, you would have pressed charges already. We wouldn't be having this fucking conversation. So I go, let me think about it and get back to you. And it was so funny because Colar gave me his number and I would call Coler up and give him Lee's plate. I'd go follow this stuff.

He delivers Coke. They'd be watching Lee for like a month. And then they'd really be baffled because they're like, how's he doing it? Lee's not a Coke video. He doesn't go out at night. How does he sell it? Does he email it?

You know, I was just giving them random people. I was just playing with them. I would see a license play with an old guy in it, and I just write it down. And go, you see this guy right there in that license, but I saw him selling drugs. I saw him selling drugs, little girls the other day. You know what I'm saying?

Watch him. He's got lollipops. I would just give them fake information. But it was so weird how I had to flip my life in those couple of months. I joined the master swimming program. I tried to get into the University of Colorado. I got my GED.

I did so. And is this all part of building a case for yourself so that when you finally get the court for this, you can say. Right. This is part of me trying to be Joey Diaz, trying to play a routine. I never forget I signed up for voluntary drug test.

Right. right my attorney goes I think it's a good idea that you sign up for voluntary drug tests I don't mean to be rude did you pass one

I remember the third time they were like why do you come here yeah they're like the last dose you gave us that's the highest VC level

we ever saw in our eyes never what did you fucking bathe in it so that became my attorney got that ripped up let's rip that piece of paper because it helps you if you go to court

and say you've been clean, but if they don't know, it ain't gonna hurt you either. So just don't bring it up. You know what I'm saying? So I did everything I had to do. I went to counseling. I went to the AA meetings.

I did everything I had to do except stay clean. I ended up moving in with a guy that's salt coke. Like it didn't end. And he would hide it in his jacket pocket and leave. And it was like, do what you need. And it was crazy. It was every fucking night. but I'd be up at six to swim.

I had to be at the pool at 10 to 6 Monday, Wednesdays, and Fridays because a part of me thought I would get away with the court date. Like I would go to court and get community corrections. But the other part of me was like, who the fuck am I kidding? I'm going to jail.

I'm accepting this because I'm not going to jail for this. I'm going to jail for everything. outside there. Once I get this out of the way, I could move forward. It finally caught up to you. But this is, I'm going to jail for everything else. So, not here. Let, let's stop being a fucking jerk off, you know. How much anxiety did you have in that period when you were waiting? Between you and I guys, I wasn't scared at all. What? Because even doing all that coke, you weren't getting paranoid about,

because we're not talking about jail. Now, we're talking about prison. Right. Prison, are we not? We're talking about prison. That's a big difference. Number one, I had spoken to my father-in-law future hooked me up with one of his clients. God rest his soul, his name was Ed Crash Cabash. He should not have been a car salesman.

Ed Crash Cabash became a car salesman later. He did. Ed Crash came up. Ed Crash Cabash was a fucking computer. wizard that devised some program on the computer in 1985 and somebody gave him a huge jack. He's one of those dudes, huh? So he was married and with a kid, and he discovered a drug called cocaine, and he lost his mind. Okay?

And my father-in-law insured him, and my father-in-law would come to dinner every week, and every week he tells us about a story about a client he has that can't. keeps crashing cars. Oh, no. And it was hysterical. It was in the paper. Ed Crash Cabash owned the liquor store. He was selling Coke out of there.

A million dollar year operation. My father-in-law was embarrassed. He knew him from the church. So when Ed came out of jail, my father-in-law made me go talk to Ed Crash Cabach. And Ed Cash-Cabash goes, get $500 together. I'll send it to one of the guards.

So when you get to one of the guards, So when you get to where you're going, the toughest place, it'll be easy for you. At least they'll take care. So I knew that when I was in county jails, I wouldn't have a problem. It's once I went to diagnostic is where your problem starts. But he goes, I'll make it that it's easy as shit for you. Ed Crash Cabash is very interesting because the story goes, he crashed 16 cars. And then his record was two the same week.

Two tester roses. I mean, dog, he was making... Speaking of Miami Vice. Listen to me, he was making so much money. He got sick and tired of going to a liquor store. So he bought his own liquor store. And he was selling Coke out of a liquor store in kilos. And he was just sitting there all day mixing drinks and getting fucked up.

So I went to him. He prepped me. So one part of me Thought joey d has got this licked But I'm not gonna lie to you The other part of me was preparing to go And I did everything I went I signed up the courses

I got accepted into the COP Work Study Program at the University of Colorado We presented our fucking Presentation to the fucking people So let me ask you a question How long from the time you're Bailed out Until the time you finally go back to court

Like what free time do you have? How many, is it months? Is it a few weeks? Like, how much time do you have before? I get bailed out, let's say December 8th. And now this creeps into 88 then. I'm hoping, me and my cocaine mine, I'm hoping to keep this on the books until 89.

Oh, okay. So you'd be out and about, no. That's just so stressful. I was hoping to stretch it out. So the victim could change the story. Right. The victim could fuck it up. The victim was starting to renegade.

He didn't want to come back to testify. But they still had the other guy that was going to testify against me. So I was going to lose. So my attorney came up with a great idea. He goes, why don't we hire private investigators and a cost you an extra three grand? You're already fighting for your life. But this guy will dig into your life and whatever he finds, we could present it to the judge. and at least we know what they're going to find.

And he put together this presentation, man. And you cut them off at the chase. You fucking, you hit them first so they didn't have it. Yeah, fuck yeah. He calls me one day and he goes, what do you think of this deal if I can make it? And I go, hit me. And he goes, how about 90 days work release

and six years community corrections? What is that? Yeah, what is community corrections? So work release means You're sleeping there at night I would go to a prison A county jail Sleep in there at night

Be released till six Get piss tested three times a week Oh yeah, I forgot about the piss test And then after 90 days I go to a six months treatment center At BCTC, the halfway house Which remember I've seen

Yes This is why life is a motherfucker So That is insane He's pushing for 6 90 community corrections We're looking at November December

By that time Vela'll be too fucked up He won't show up Tidwell would kill himself I was trying to get to Tidwell You know I was trying to do everything My fucking lawyer calls me in July and he goes, listen, the fucking judge switched his docket and they moved your case to August 15th.

He goes, I'm going in front of community correction. See, I was supposed to get a sentence in December and then with the result of community corrections. Community corrections meeting was August 12th. So they switched my, so I'm like, what does that mean? He goes, he goes, that means that afternoon you'll know whether you're going to prison or that. Damn. So I kept living my life how I was living it. Mike Tyson knocked out the brother without the tooth in Atlantic City in 16 seconds.

I'm snorting coke. I got my girlfriend. And all of a sudden I'm doing something. I had forgotten all about it on a Friday, the phone ring. It's my turn. He goes, you're sitting up standing down. I go, standing up. He goes, you better sit down.

for this one he goes community corrections turns you down I go what does that mean he goes well that means that fucking I could probably get you into work release but it ain't gonna be for no fucking three months it's gonna be for like a year but still just work release for a year but what I did was I paid the best attorney and I took a session with him for like an hour I went I paid him his fee and I had him break it down. He was a Spanish dude. He was in charge of the law school.

He was the dean of the law school. That's why I was getting to the law school because if you said you were Spanish, they'd beg you could have F's. You could have minus F. They just needed a Latino on the roster to get their funding. A latino.

You know what I'm saying? They needed a Latin no. They get that government grant money and shit. You got to show up with four retarded Spanish people. They don't care if they're bouncing the ball or not. You know what I'm saying? They come in with one of those paddles with a ball. Sit down.

We're going to give you $8,000 a semester. We'll give you a car. A car? Yeah, we'll give you a car too. Don't worry about nothing. So I got involved with that, so I met with him. And he told me to my face. He's like, you're a nice guy.

I'm looking at your police record. I'm looking at your probation report. You're never going to get in trouble again. But there was a machine gun involved. And he goes, that means it's a potential of violence, which means that somebody could have been shot. With the Cuban kid and the kid jumping out the balcony and breaking his fucking legs,

they're going to fucking come after you. So just be prepared to do time. So I knew it. I really knew it. So that I got out the phone with the attorney. I started snorting my brains out Friday. I took my girlfriend ate her ass up to fucking, I think I'd taste of the heart that night.

Heart. I licked the heart. My tongue was like a lizard. I licked the heart. Oh, I must have fucked 18 times that poor girl. And that Sunday, that Monday morning, I walked into court with this attitude that, you know what?

The judge's going to give me a chance to talk. I'm going to tell them about what I've done the last six months. I got into college, I got my GED. Just give me a breather. Let me do work release. Bro, when that judge called, and I had my friends fly in from Jersey. They're flying in?

That's nice. I had good friends, man. They flew in from Jersey. George flew in from Jersey. And they called my name. And I thought it was going to be like this beautiful thing. And he goes, Jose Diaz, do you have any words? And I went to talk.

and I just froze up. I'm like, and he goes, everybody stand. So you never got, you never sent anything. It goes, your sentences,

four to six years, Department of Corrections, with a 90-day appeals, whatever, thank you for coming. And I looked at the judge because my buddy's

an ounce and a half of Coke. I look at the attorney and I go talk to him, see if we could stay out until Wednesday. You know what I'm saying? My buddy brought a wreck direct from fucking Bolivia. And the attorney goes,

excuse me, since Joey signed up into college. And he has two days to turn himself in. The guy goes, no. He's to surrender right now. My fucking girlfriend was heartbroken. The parents were there.

A family was there. You know, my friends were there. I had to hug them all. Yeah, because you're walking, you're not leaving. No, I walk to the back. I fucking, uh, can I,

let me ask you this, kidnapping one and two, what are the, what is the, what it was a one and what it makes it a one and a two is what I'm trying to. And, and kidnapping is such a, I know it's because you physically move to person against their will,

but why do they still use kid? I don't know. It just sound terrible. It sounds terrible. The first degree is, if they're harmed or threat of physical harm and second degree is no, None of that.

Threat of physical harm. And that was the machine gun. That's it. That makes it the one. So you, right there, they let you hug everybody goodbye and you go right into custody. What day is this? It's a Monday morning, August 15th, 1980. 88.

I sit in the cell. It's getting hot in there. Are you by yourself? I'm by myself. It's a nice cell. It's got a little, it's clean, you know. And as you know right now, you have not. 90 days to appeal, but you're doing four to six.

No, I'm not, it's called consideration motion. Oh, okay. Because the reason why I went to prison was because I wasn't claiming responsibility. The judge said, if you would have came in here claiming responsibility, I would have gave me a smack on the rest. But the whole, the whole fucking year, all you keep talking about is you don't know nothing. You don't know nothing. You didn't know nothing.

You knew, all you got to do is say it. When you're ready to say it, come back. in front of my court. So I had to think a lot about a lot of things, and that stay with me forever. That's why when I bomb, it's not the audience fault. It's your fault.

Why are you blaming the fucking audience for? That's what a dummy does. It's always your fault. It's always your fault. So it really taught me that. So I go in this little cell the size of this office. I take my $800 jacket suit off.

It did me no good. You can't put this. I just spit on the fucking thing, you piece of shit, unlucky suit. I thought I was going to impress the judge with an Armani. It did nothing for me. But when I hit the suit, Ryan, I can't write this. I hit the suit. I'm like, what's in the pocket?

It's just a handkerchief? And I go to take the handkerchief out. And there's a fucking Coke bin. And I'm in the cell going, Jesus lives. Jesus lives. I crushed the fucking Coke. I turn around and I know they got a camera in there. I roll up like a dollar and I make believe I'm pissing

and I snort the whole fucking package. Go the dollar away, flush the fucking package. And I sit down and now I'm in that cell, fucked up. I'm like, I get some water. And they came back with a big glass of water and I just sat there. And then I passed out. After that? Yeah, because it had been, that's it.

That's got to be so. Because I had to only six months to sweat. Yeah. The Coke took me high. and I just went down. Not to six months. Your whole life up to this point has been skirting around it, voiding it every way possible,

and finally that got you. So this cop comes over, he gets me, because I'm going to bring it to your cell, give you some clothes, change. We've got to search you. He searches me. It's about 8.30 at night.

They bring me into the cell. And who's sitting there? playing cards a guy with two broken legs the guy that jumped out no I can't I look at the broken legs

I go is that you that jumped out the window they goes yeah I don't know we'll end it right there in county jail Boulder Colorado December

no I turned myself in yes August 15 so we're 88 and then we're going to pick up on the honeydew September

1988 in jail sitting next to the dude with two broken legs. I love you, Johnny. That was the most interesting two weeks of my life because I got to hear everything that I had confirmed. It was because, remember at first, they put me in a federal holding.

Kidnapping is a federal offense. And then after 72 hours, they put me back into regular, county jail. So in federal jail, I got to talk to these people, and it was mind-boggling. Those first 72 hours were mind-boggling because it was stories about these were high-level characters and how they got infiltrated. And it was one of the most brilliant three days of my life. This one guy got busted. His wife went and got a maid.

The maid was a fed. No. The fucking fed bought two kilos of a Coke from her. Now they were both in jail. Just tremendous stories. Tremendous stories about another guy that told me fucking a guy

that he would shoot Coke with. Shoot Coke with. Shoot Coke with. Shot Coke with him. For six, seven months. Then one night the guy goes, I want to buy a kilo. The next day he gets arrested. He can't out there they hid the witness they hid the witness the day

of testifying the cop was the guy that was shooting the coke they sent them to a rehab they do plastic surgery on their arm and you can sit there all you want and say they entrapped at you but that was like the the fuck those two weeks those three days

in federal holding were brilliant I still remember going downstairs to get sent like to go to court they made me go to court even though I didn't have to go to court and they handcuffed me like through a crazy guy I kept getting up and going I didn't fucking do it fuck you's all

and they're all looking at me and they're throwing punches and I got a duck of me shit and you have no idea my friend well thank you it has been an honor to guest host the church thank you for let me do this for real this has been fucking awesome you know I love you um follow me on Ryan Sickler on social media Ryan Sickler.com. Make sure you're following along on, is that, am I looking at the right camera?

The honeydew, we're doing Joey's entire life story. We'll get one more in before you head back to Jersey. And then we're going to zoom them whenever the fuck you want to do them. From the luxury of your own home, COVID free and safe. I love you, brother. Thank you. I love you. I'm going to miss you dearly. Yeah, I'm one of the guys that really came through my life later on. I was in a bad spot for a few years. But whenever I saw you, you made me feel like we weren't in Hollywood. We were in Baltimore.

You gave me a piece of the East Coast that obviously is what I was needing. So thank you for your friendship. Thank you for your loyalty. Thank you for your career. I'm so proud that you're doing so well. You got your podcast and anything I could do for you in Jersey. I'll do. I love you, dude.

And look, I want to say this. You know, when I was going through splitting with my daughter's mom and everything, and I know you like that I say daughter's mother and not baby mama. When I was splitting with her, you were checking in on me all the time. I tell everybody, no, he called me. He didn't text me. He called and called and called. So I love you for it.

Thank you, brother. I love it. Thank you very much. All right. I want to thank Ryan Sickler for coming on the show. We always got some type of fucking story to tell this cock sucker. But anyway, listen, the church is brought to you by Draft King. Like I told you earlier, this Saturday is UFC.

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Most importantly, I want to thank you, motherfuckers for being a part of these last few episodes. Have a great day. Stay black. Kick this fucking meal, Lee.