The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #815 - Jessimae Peluso

Episode Date: August 24, 2020

Jessimae Peluso, a stand up comedian, actress, and host of the "Sharp Tongue" podcast, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt LIVE in studio. This podcast is brought to you by: DraftKings - Download DraftKings Sportsbook now and use code CHURCH to get $1000 sign up bonus.    CBD Lion - For all of your CBD needs, from shatter to gummies, go to www.CBDLion.com and use code CHURCH for 20% off.   

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first order delivered right to your fucking house. And you be the fucking judge, all right? It's Monday, the 24th. Kick this fucking meal, Lee. Oh shit. Here we go. There we go. This is the year. of the fucking soldier.

We're going in like fucking Marines. You understand me? Welcome to church, motherfucker. It's a beautiful motherfucking day to be alive. COVID or not? We were just talking about COVID and crabs. Comparison to crabs. When I was a kid in the 70s,

if you had crabs, people treated you the way. You have COVID right now. You weren't allowed to hang out with kids. You always had to wear a fucking hat or a handnet to school. Wait, no, you mean lice. Lice. Whatever the fuck. Crabbs, lice.

They're cousins. It don't matter. Crabs go to your dick and your asshole. Lice go to your hair. It's like two different cousins, right? Bug science. Did you ever get crabs? No.

I'd knock on wood. I've never had anything itchy down there. That's when you were a dirty, filthy motherfucker. There's still time. There's still some time. It could be a sexy summer. What's happening? Beautiful.

How are you? Looking good? You are looking good. Look at those pearly whites you got going on. You don't know what that had a fucking go through. And these aren't even the real ones. I get the caps put on the 18th. Got a full.

What a fucking nightmare. It's the worst. Let me tell you something. In 2007, I quit doing cocaine. You haven't had coke since 2007. And I fucking had, I was, at that time, I wasn't even recurring. He would call me the day of Jeff Garcia, Greg Garcia. What are he doing this afternoon?

Come to the set. We'll find something for you. That's how cool Greg Garcia was. That's dope. So one day I did the scene with Michael Rappaport. Oh, yeah. All right. And then one day I went in.

And then he's like, you're doing a scene where you want to light this guy on fire and all this shit. Tim Stack. Tim Stack. Tim Stack lad him on fire. And when the camera zoomed in on me, this tooth was already black. And I saw it. And I'm like, holy shit. People are going to know I'm a junkie.

So I was, like, clean, like, three weeks. It was right around the holiday. And I had some tooth problem somewhere else. And I went to fix it. And the guy goes, what are you going to do about that fucking tooth? But the guy was in Beverly Hills. He was a friend of mine. Yeah.

You know, one of my... Your hoity-twity. He's like, everybody goes there. You know, John Travolta, everybody goes there. You walk in, it's a deuce. You know what I'm saying? Like, he walked in, it's a deuce. And then the dude has sent me around the block for something,

because he didn't do that. I don't do that. Proceded. You got to go around the corner. So, anyway, to make a long story short, this fucking dude, it's like 23rd of December. And he goes, what are you going to do about that tooth? I don't know.

He goes, well, you can replace it. You could put a cap on it. And, of course, you tweet down. thousand dollars and I go listen I just want to fucking whiten it out and he goes what do you got at the house I go 500 he goes bring it to me tomorrow and come back in the morning I thought he meant supplies like you could do it yourself what do you have at the house do you have some white out what he got what he got you got a wrench in a white out you could fix it so I gave him that small nickel and he fixed and he told me he goes make sure you come back by February because it's not going to hold bitch that was 13 years ago you were gone you underestimated your work you know I even told that lady yesterday who did my teeth got the molars. I go, look at these. These are silver molars. These are from 97.

Damn. You got vengeance. The day I kidnapped Vela, 1918, November 18, 1987. I got those two silver fillings. You know how they tell you, you're going to die. Yeah, it's like my dick. I'm alive and they're still chopping. These molars

go through anything. You never said that. So you went to the dentist the day you kidnapped? That morning. That morning. He had errands. You know, he had errands. Kidnappers have errands, Lee. I had shit on my itiner. Can you imagine the checklist?

Dentist. Dentist. Lifting weights. One. Get the rope. Get the bag. He had to go to Home Depot. I called him last night, by the way.

That's funny. You guys brought him up. The kidnapee? Yeah. Is he in Jersey? No, he's in Albuquerque. But he's having a rough time, Tucson. He's having a bit of a rough time.

So I got to reach out to him again. It's so wild how life can come back around and here you are being a shoulder for somebody you probably whose shoulder you broke to kidnap. No, you know, he was a good guy always. He was just a good guy at a bad place. Just like me, we were just good guys at a bad place that got taken there by a bad situation. And I always felt bad for him because I couldn't imagine what he went through. You know, when you're in a trunk of a car for three hours, you don't know if you're going to die.

That would be the most stressful thing. And by the way, every woman worries about that. If you ever going to smoke a cigarette again, you know, I put myself in his shoes, you know, for a little while. Literally, because you took him off his feet before you put him in the trunk. I went to prison. You know, I went to prison. I came out and I was like, well, I feel kind of, I don't give a fuck about him. And then it was shortly after that.

How old were you at the time? I was 25. I mean, you're a kid. You have no, the remorse levels little. You know. Nah, the remorse level was like I just thought the drugs. There was no remorse. But years later, after I got into stand-up, I looked at it from his perspective at what he went through.

You know, that's what I look at. Like right now I'm concerned of what people are going through, you know. Do you think having it, was it after you had mercy? What's that? No, this is way before mercy. I was wondering if like having a child changed. It was like 94, 95. I really looked at what I had done.

And I started thinking about him as a human being. Right. thinking about like what I had done, what he had gone through, you know. Was there a pivotal point in your life where you started to think like that overall, where you started to have reflective thoughts? I started reaching out to him. I bumped into him. First off, I kidnapped him in 87.

In 88, he put me in prison. And then in 91. No, I'm lying to you guys. Like 92-ish, I bumped into him at a bar called Pearls. Wow. I'm Pearl Street, and he was fucked up. And I said, what's going on? He's like, when did you get out?

I'm like, a long time ago. Where you been? He's like, fuck you, man. And I'm like, come here, talk to me. You got a gram of Coke? He's like, yeah, I go sell it to me. So he sold me the gram. I bought him a drink.

I thought we were cool. And then I didn't see him again. And then he pops up on Facebook, and I reach out. And it's like two years ago, fuck yourself. We were cool. I bought you a drink. I apologized to what? I apologized for kidnapping him.

You apologize. Did you really apologize to his face? Yes, I didn't. I apologized to him on the phone. Then I got him to talk and I go, Would you mind calling into the podcast? It's one of the early episodes. Holy fuck.

I had him call into the podcast and I explained to him how sorry I was. And then he came to one of my shows at the theater. I remember that. I remember the photo. That was a few years. Yeah. Like four years ago? All that shit bothers me.

Yeah. People think that I turned those comedy stories into humor. Yeah. Because that's, it's like watching Scarface now. Yeah. When you watch Scarface now, you're laughing half the time. You're like, this is a fucking comedy. It's outrageous.

Good fellas. It's fucking hilarious. Right. The thought that we're eating dinner with your mother and there's a body in the trunk of the car. Yeah, and they're taking their time. Yeah, they're taking the time. They're enjoying the sauce. Jimmy's hitting the ketchup.

He's fucking, he's hitting the ketchup over the eggs. Just that thought right there should make you laugh if you have a sense of humor. Yes. If you have a sense of humor. Yep. That's a very funny fucking thing. Yes. When Tony Soprano would beat up his cousin at the bar,

when he couldn't get the phone right, and Tony started hitting them with the phone. Yeah, that big ass phone. I know a thousand people who had an assistant that would beat on their assistant growing up. Like whenever things got bad, where's that motherfucker at? And they just pound them to death.

That's an old jersey thing. Like, you always got the half-retarded kid that leeches out for you and you give him a job because he's your cousin. He takes beans once a month. He gets hit with everything. Hammers, fucking shovels, until you put him in the hospital, then the guy quits. I'm saying. And that's what happened.

It's a problem. I guess I got it easy with the edibles. Oh, yeah. It took care. No hammers. Did you? Did you get it easy? Compared to hammers.

He hammered you with edibles. It was just metaphorically. You're not on anything today, Lee? No, no, it's just residual. He's just put you in a consistent. He hasn't done anything. No, fine. He's changed your complete makeup into being constant.

There has to be some residuals left over. Totally residual. Let me tell you something. You know, people are like, well, you're stopping the podcast. Lee, tell them about five years of this. There was a period. What? Where was five years that it wasn't even real?

I don't remember. Because he was so stoned? We were so out of it. Like, I've seen podcasts, not the people like this, the podcast, he was slurring. We were eating. Yeah, like a thousand milligrams. No, no, no.

And what people didn't realize is it was starting for me at 9 in the morning. Right. Like for people don't understand. Yeah, like they don't know your morning cocktail. Like for a guy like me, everybody knows the situation. I get up, I talk to my wife a little bit, I talk to the baby, I go in the computer room, I get a coffee. Yep. Cuban coffee.

No. No? White coffee. I thought you did your Cuban coffee. There's a system. It's a system. We've got to open up a white coffee. Okay.

Like Starbucks. Hi. Oh, my God. The Starbucks line is so long today. I don't know what they're doing. It took 20 minutes to get my cappuccino ready. You're an asshole. I press a button.

You know what I'm saying? I sit there in my kitchen. You're going to drive and get a coffee to wake you up. I'll hit somebody with the car. If I drive to get a coffee, I got time for that shit. It's like when you go to a hotel. Used to. road, yeah. The first

night I'm working that coffee pot. Yeah, but it's not strong enough. It's, I'll put two ounces of water. I'll make that thing strong enough to get the vapor pen going in the morning so you don't have to run downstairs like an animal. You can get up, go on the computer, listen to a little music,

bang one out, you know, and then you go down with appetite, you bring a joint down, you do your breakfast, you smoke a joint, you walk around the town for 10 minutes, and you go back upstairs and take a nap till 2 o'clock and you lift weights. That cup of coffee I needed in my room. I don't want to go nowhere.

I don't want to go nowhere. I don't want to go downstairs. I travel with my own because I don't want to wait. I bring my own. When it comes to coffee, so I go in the bathroom, I have bought three or four bong rips. In the bathroom with you. After the first cup of American coffee. After the cup comes in, the fog comes out, the phone's already ringing.

I won't talk to nobody under that fog. I do call him to torment him under any condition. What are you doing? You can hear the phone waking up like, Oh, hello? Are you even up, Lee? No, he's never up, but he tries to straighten up. To be fair, during this time when we were taking 2000,

he'd call me at 6 in the morning. I had a girl living with me at 6 in the morning. Hey, what are you doing? What do you mean? What am I doing? I had a girl living with wearing your basement locked up. Yeah, but that's besides the point. But it's like every day.

Like, now it's turned to like 830 or 9 o'clock, and now it's late. There was a period of years where at six, five in the morning. What are you doing? Well, I got up at three in the morning. I call him. I got up to pee and I can't fall asleep. I call Lee. I call Lee.

What are you going to do? What's going on over there? And sometimes he gets really high and I know he's high. In the morning at 6 a. No, no, no. Like we leave healing. We do a 7 o'clock podcast. Yeah.

And I give him another before that. By 10, I know he's out of his mind. So by 12, I keep haunting him to get out of you. office before he gets killed. People are going to kill him. Close the door. But there's nights that the edible's over like the one day.

There's no podcast. I call him. I go, what the fuck are you? He goes, I fell asleep in the office till five. I've done that like three or four times. He just passes up. I'm in this chair. Yeah, I know.

I've been here when it's happened. And the light is still on, six in the morning. The door's open. Thank God so we don't come in here and rape him. One morning he's in the call him. Some man just came in here and rape me. homeless man and he brought a friend his name was nick and we were doing this so back to what you were saying there was like five years or four years where it was two to three times a week

two thousand milligrams and then we would do this and then I would put it up at night it was crazy I don't know how you were able to function people have no realization that there was a period when we were at the office where we were eating whatever was given to us Acid, boogaloo pills. What are those? Who knows? One time you told me he gave me cat tranquilizers. Oh, yeah.

We were taking everything. We were taking everything. My wife went to the vet. She came on with little tranquilizers for Lulu. I clipped two. I gave one to Lee. I ate the other one. What about the time you made me smoke your pee?

Oh, yeah. I was pissing, and my bud was in my pocket. And as I went to pee, the bud opened, and a bud fell into the peat. I took it out and I put it to the side I gave it like three weeks to dry I brought it in here rolled it up in a joint and we were fucked up That's called cat scratch fever

We were fucked up afterwards He's like I never smoked weight this strong Because it's dipped in my piss That's like 32% marijuana There's definitely marijuana Yeah yeah Are you kidding me? You know how much T.A. There's in my piss

I would blow the circuit right now I would blow like people would die Like the levels And I've been tame lately. Have you? Yeah. Why so?

I could tell that I'm not smoking as much. COVID? You worried about COVID? No. No. I just something, just a couple pipes here, those three in the morning. Because you have like a morning situation. I'm going to tell you something, man.

The days of me getting super high are not. I got a clip of edible and then smoke like 20 bong hits and then I get nice and baited. Yeah. You're just not really feeling it right now. I've been smoking since I was 12. I'm 57 years old. Even 30% weed gets me high in the morning. It doesn't take me to where it used to take me. Are you feeling like, do you think there's going to be a day where you're stark sober? If you know anything about me, I don't like the word sober.

If you were born sober or you're sober, I have nothing against you. Right. But I, like, like, A&A and I have nothing against those organizations. I think they're great organizations. But I feel that people told the line a little too much. And you need to, like, you know, when I had a friend in Boulder, a dear friend. But she was to the fucking end with that shit. Like, oh, you can't put McCurray on me because it's got alcohol.

Oh, so she went to the way other side of it. Right, like, you know, she was such a clean and sober person. She switched to tea because this has mercury from this so get me high. There's people that are very concerned about that. In my world, sobriety was not doing pills or cocaine and drinking and get your dick suck.

That was the addiction. Yeah. You know, when I do two lines, I'll do whatever you got. If I'm with you, I'll do whatever you got. You got sleeping pills. You got metamorphosis pills. You got period pills like snorty. I don't give a fuck.

I was that kind of wild man when I parked. I don't give a fuck. So once I stopped getting high and all that and all this weed started coming around, it's just a transfer of addiction. Right. But I've been smoking like this since I was 21. Remember, when I was 21 in Colorado,

I was getting tremendous weed and we were smoking it with a three-foot bong in 12,000 feet of altitude. Which is a totally different. With ice cubes. Yeah. So I got my lungs, the super lungs compared to other people.

I lived in that altitude for three or four years. So people have to understand all those things. The reefer just doesn't. I just smoked the fucking three bowls here before you can. Nothing happens. Yeah, it is interesting how you get tolerant to it. You get tolerant to it.

That's why I have to. When I go buy weed, I buy three different weeds. What kinds? Like, what's your go-to? I tell the guy, give me the three of them that I'll see Satan. I want the son, the father, and the Holy Spirit. See, I want the father. Some of the Holy Spirit.

All right. I want the three top ones. I want the mother, the daughter, and the hoary spirit. Those are the ones I want. And if you got a 22% weed that's just kicking like a meal to, give me that. Today, I got to go over there because the new pills coming out. Those pills that were 25 milligrams, they're coming out in hundreds. The whole package is going to be a thousand.

Me and you for the final episode, they're just going to open up a whole thing. And these motherfuckers are strong. And the shit I'm getting from ABX, that new shit that, you know, Farmer and the felon? Oh, no. That shit there. They'll kill you. What is it?

You want one more, Island? Okay, you sure? Let me see. This shit will kill. ABX is it at higher dosage? No, ABX is oxygen with hash oil

and my lucia sauce. It's my man Justin over at ABX. Highly cold and distal. Yeah, Justin's great. Clean, clean, Bob. Out of everything we've taken. Clean. It's the cleanest.

They have the cleanest. Two calories, you know. A hundred milligrams. He told me about this that he was going to send it to you. He's like, I just send him the greatest stuff. He's going to get shot to the moon. No, but he sent me to 200s.

Oh, shit. He's got 200. There aren't really 200. Oh, those aren't you? Oh, God, damn it. No, just you. They're like 240. Only late to what?

That was 100. Oh, no, no, no. I know. And there's these special ones that came in, I've learned that if it doesn't come in a tube, I shouldn't take it. No. And look, and even then.

You have no idea the systems I have. People have no idea how I'll dose you. I'll dose you from all different directions. There's no. fucking way. You're not safe around me. I wouldn't survive. Nobody's safe around me. There's no tricks that'll fucking kill you. I always bring my own supply when I come here because I know

that shit. You know that shit. It's also COVID, but I know I'm not taking any candy from Uncle Joey. No. I know my limits and I am a yoda of your tolerance. I ain't mad at you. There was a time when we were eating all those edibles that my poops smelled like the gummies.

We were eating that many gums. It was the crazy. Did your poop come out in the shape of a gummy? It was kind of had the consistency of it. You're high until you shit in the morning. Yeah. Once you shit that gummy powder out and all the THC, you feel clear.

You feel clear. You have to shit in the morning. That's what clears. And then you have to go for a little sweat. Yes. And you know, my wife tells me, she goes, you got to smell my laundry. All of it smells like marijuana.

Marijuana and sweat. You know, that's why I sweat. I sweat to get that weed juice out. To be fair, you know, I don't know how. You could refill it. You have to. You do have to sweat. You have to get those toxins out.

I do that every morning too. You wake up. You're up early as hell. I'm up early as hell. Naturally. What time do you go to bed? I mean, lately I've been going to bed at like 8.52 p.m. Really?

Just putting myself in the bed early. You still got the boyfriend? No. You got rid of the long distance one. He was here and yeah, I don't know what it is now. Quarantine fucks it all up, but it's all good. Yeah, but I've just been getting to bed early. Just like kind of getting in there and really yeah, $8.52.

And then I wake up. I don't fall asleep to like 10 or 11. I gotta be honest with you, America and the rest of the world, I think when I moved to Jersey, I'm gonna go to, I think once this is all over, I'm going to 10 o'clock. Yeah. 10 o'clock's a perfect time. Let me tell you why. Because everything that happens in my life bad happens after 10 o'clock when I'm by myself.

When I'm by myself, the other night, I don't want to, I don't want to say nothing. I didn't even want to tell Lee. The other night, I took away the albums. I had albums here. But before I cleaned the side out, I found a bunch of shit. I found old stars of death. Oh, shit. I found a bag of weed.

Not the one you gave me. I found a bag of weed that somebody else brought me that was high quality. Los Gumi's Armados. Whoa. And it was... They haven't been here for years. It was brown. Like the weed was brown.

It changed. I found mushrooms that had turned into dust. They grew. They were big fucking things. They were just dust. I threw everything in rain and all that, I threw away a little pill pouch that somebody left me one day. They go, hey, I don't know if you eat these, but take these.

I don't eat this shit. And they were like two vikes and four of those crazy things, not oxy cottons, the other ones that people eat. Kodum? Four of them. So I find this, I throw them out. I throw everything on. I saved the stars from me and Lee.

And that night, Lucky you Lee. Me and Lee, carpet stuff. A little bit of a buzz. They were two years old. They were nice and expired. Perfect. You always want good expired drugs.

So as I'm leaving here, you're not going to believe this. Lee saw me do it. I looked down, I went like this, and I saw one of those pills. It wasn't the Viculum. It was the circular one. And I go, you know what? What am I doing on a Monday night? It had to be 9.30.

I popped the fucking thing. Oh, fuck. I get in the car. Oh, Jesus. You don't even want to know. Oh, my God. You know how we have Eminems and there's one left in the bag? He ate it like that.

He saw it on the floor. He saw me. He just put it in his mouth. I put in my mouth because what are you doing with your life? I'm not doing nothing special. Like Eminem's. This pill ain't got to fucking kill me. The guy who gave it to me is a good guy.

I think I know what it is. Manson was a good guy. It's probably like a pain pill or something like that. You know what it is. I don't know what it is. You're going up or you going down. Oh, my God. What did it do?

Which way did you know? That's a thousand milligrams. That goes right into your system. Oh my God, don't I know it? So I get home, I put my bookcase down. Your bookcase? You know, my little bag. Oh, your book?

Your brief case. Whatever the fuck it is. My book bag down. I was like, are you key? You took something that made you carry a whole book? I put the book. I put the book bag down and then I fucking go, I wash my hands, wash my face, and I run to the back and I give the baby a kiss before she goes to bed.

And as I'm kissing She's holding my head And telling me all this shit I kiss her I closed the door I washed my face I brushed my teeth Whatever I put my pajamas on

I went out To the living room I started talking to my wife And in the middle of the conversation Like she was telling me All this shit we got to do for the move And I went like this I went like

And next thing you know I hear Okay I'm going to sleep now And I go why what happened She goes because you fell asleep I don't know what the fuck is wrong with you tonight. I didn't fall asleep. I was just thinking hard, right? For 20 minutes.

We're talking again. I'm like my eyes closed and a deep, deep, steady breath. We're talking again. And again, I pass out. And she's like, show dears. Did you do how to boost tonight? I don't know. I did something.

I don't know. Right? So we're watching some fucking movie and I wake up like three in the morning, tangled in the blanket. She's gone. I get up dog and I go right for the kitchen I pull out the first thing of water and I fucking guzzled

I mean till you hear the cracking yeah like it just went like I sucked all the water out of it then I took another one and then I made a ham and cheese sandwich then I made us a ramen cheese sandwich oh my lord couple double digit then I don't know what happened after that

I don't want to speculate right I went into my office for a little while I must have done something bad in there because there was three bags of potato chips the next day and another can that died ginger ale. I must have won on a fucking tear, edible tat.

And I fucking crawled into that bed like it three in the morning or something, four in the morning. And all I remember is my daughter going, Daddy, I'm going to camp now. I love you. I'll say, I know, what? I take the mask up and I'm going on.

What's going on? The nebulizer? What do you have? I have asleep after your mask. So I'm like, what do you mean you're going to camp? What time is it? She's like, nine o'clock, nine o'clock. What the fuck?

And I got up. I go, honey, you let me sleep until nine o'clock. And she goes, oh, you look so peaceful. And she goes, what happened in this kitchen last night? I found your hearing aid in the kitchen. The hearing aid was in the kitchen, and the other one was still on my ear. I walked up looking for the hearing aid,

walking around and going, what the fuck is my world coming to? So I go in my room in the office, and I'm like, where's the fucking garbage can? Where the fuck is the garbage can't find my garbage I look on the lane There it is filled to the top I get these little lobster sandwiches and they come a little bag of chips When you go to the little where the fuck do you get lobster The lobster truck

Like lobster rolls I had them a year This is a year ago these chips Wait do you mean chips or the crackers like the oysters like the chips? The chips They went like a little bag Three of them were empty Upside down there was fucking

The CBD chocolate bar Remember the CBD chocolate bar I gave you one? It was good, too. It was. It was good. I ate that. I went nuts that fucking night.

That shit made you hungry as fuck. And then my wife brought the hearing aid in. And I'm like, what the fuck? Was it covered in ham and cheese? Oh, my God. It was so embarrassing. When was this? This is Monday, man.

So. There was a time that he would get high on edibles and eat edibles for munchies. Like, you would eat another cookie because I'm hungry. That's my worst nightmare. That's what I would do. My worst nightmare. I can't eat meat. I have no idea how many liver cleans I've done.

Liver cleans? Like you take a pill to clean the other and the growing shit. Like I've done all that stuff because I had to order all that stuff online. Does that really work? When we started detoxing, yeah, I had it. You never told me about it. Yeah. You need a detox.

You need a detox. They need to hang him upside down and drip them on the sun. You too need to be trained. Like one of those gyro things that you see at the gyro thing. They got to hang him up in the sun. backyard to drain the blood. Oh my God. You need to start a new.

He's gone through, I told him, Lee, go home. I'm going to Milwaukee. Trust me, Lee, you need three months with mom psychological evaluation. I am. Where are you going to go? I'm going to Milwaukee for a month, but then I'm going to go home to split the time between Boston and then when it gets too cold to go to Florida. Wow.

You're not leaving your mom. You're shoveling the fucking thing for your mom. Are you going to stay with your mom? Yeah. Oh, no, no. I'm going to shovel it until I have to, and then I'm going to pay someone. She's not shoveling. No.

You can't have her shovel. How old. Is she? She'd kill me if I told She's old enough. It's not your business. No, not 82. No, she's young.

She's young. That's good. Yeah, she's still work. Yeah, she's still work. She's fine. I just don't want her to shovel. She's an attorney. Yeah.

She's an attorney? What type of law? Real estate. Oh, damn. Good for her. Yeah. Smart bitch. I'm sorry I don't mean

to call your mom a bitch, but. No, no, she liked that one. She would. You were thinking to go to Syracuse for a couple months? I'm going to go for a little bit to see my family. It's been the longest.

since I've seen them. Usually I'm home like every couple months. I know. I know. You know, all you ladies that live alone worry to fuck out. That's why I have three dogs.

They don't gonna do nothing. It's so bad where I live. When it started, when the quarantine, I'm in Marina, which is right. How is it? How is it?

Well, like when the quarantine started, once in a while, I'd see like a meth mattress outside of where I live. Like a homeless dude who comes, sets up a mattress outside and then the next day he pack up and leave.

Like that was like inconsistent what happened once in a while. And then the beginning of quarantine, I saw a tent pop up. And I was like, that's not good. And then like a week later, there were two. And then it just grew now there's like 17 tents alongside my building where I live. And there, I've seen them shoot into their stomach. I've seen them jerk off. My neighbor saw them jerk off.

We've seen them. They've shot off fireworks. One of them had like an automatic gun, like a AK-17 around his back. I've never witnessed anything like this with my own two eyes and I've lived in New York in the worst neighborhoods this is worse than any neighborhood I've ever lived in in my life and for everyone listening Marina Del Rey is like a very nice area it's a very nice area and the rent is very expensive and it is just

I call it kid row it's like mini skid row it literally is just it's changed and it doesn't feel good as a woman like you're right like to walk down even with my dogs they're still talking to me and trying to like get me to communicate with them. It doesn't feel good. It's like a feeling of unrest. When Kate Quigley told me she went to get groceries and that's the first time she's ever felt scared in Korea town.

And as she pulled in the house, a guy was coming at her on a bicycle naked with a Fidel Castro mask on. When I see a guy on a bicycle naked with a Fidel Castro mask on, it was me filming my next video, you call Uber and you tell them how much shit can I put in? And that fucking Uber X, because you're taking me to the fucking the airport or the destination. You know, now everybody's kept, when you came in, you said the same thing. There was two reasons why I want to end the podcast. I want to lead to go on his own and do his own thing.

That's number one. I'm going to Melston. I'm going to miss him. I'm not going to make a move to Jersey for two days a week and no comedy. Yeah. Once comedy starts up, he wants to come down to Jersey, come down to Jersey. We'll get your fucking nice apartment close by. It's cheap.

You go to the beach and get some Sundays, Jews. What the first thing they told me about my neighborhood is go for the bagels. That's the best bagels in the steak. Well, the first thing he told me that made me want to go there is the drive-through Carvel nearby. Oh, my God. You need to do a commercial for them. Bro, he would just have a little cart by that point. A little motorized cart with a little Chinese guy pushing him.

And he's like, mush. He's whipping them backwards and his shit, like with a whip backwards and the Chinese guy pushing them. You've got your own little freezer on the car? That's it. But it was so crazy how people have gotten to all. these conclusions, they're leaving because of this. Joey's that they're, oh yeah. Listen, I'm leaving because my daughter's self-defense school got broken into last night

on Riverside and Coldwater, one of the busiest streets. You know, I'm leaving because I saw a guy get hit, not even a mile from here with an axe handle. He hit three people and I had a woman with an axe handle who was just waiting for a bus. Oh, my God. I'm leaving here because there was shots fired of Magnolia and Lancashire a week and a half ago. I'm leaving here because comedy is closed to West Hollywood is going to be the last thing to open. Okay?

Yep. I'm leaving here because taxes is going to skyrocket in January. It's already predicted. Not that I make a million dollars, but if you make a million dollars, they're going to tax your heavy duty. You don't have to make that much to be in the tax bracket. Tax bracket where you get fucked. I spoke to my friend that her business got broken into. What type of business?

Self-defense. They broke into the bags and shit, whatever. Listen, it took her an hour to get somebody on 911. Oh, my gosh. So do you understand what part we're getting to hear, ladies and gentlemen? Nobody's leaving. I'm starting to leave. But it's not because I'm evading somebody or the cute.

Cubans are coming or there's allegations. I'm leaving here because this place is not safe for us anymore. Yeah, you said where you're going. You said that to me like months ago. You're like, you've got to keep an eye on what's going on. Keep an eye on what's going on. Look at your neighbor. Before you go home, take a ride around your block, see how many people are parked in cars lately.

Just sitting there. Someone was in the park car in my garage. What are they waiting for? All day long. What are they waiting for? Yeah. What are they waiting for? What are you doing?

There's so many people in the neighborhood. Everybody's waiting for Kennedy come down there. They're all watching people. They're waiting to rob. This is not, we're talking to you. Three Californians here. The other day, we were just laughing. Me and Lee were just laughing about something.

And he goes, I can't wait to leave. The drag racing. That same night, there was a drag race in Hollywood where they killed a 16-year-old girl with a shootout at the end of the thing. Hollywood and Vine. If you go to Hollywood and Vine, there's a big flower thing.

They shot a 16-year-old girl there two weeks ago because the streets are so. they're drag racing on them. Now, you know me, guys. I've been to Harlem, to cop at four in the morning. I'm used to this. I'm a thief. I know the movement.

I know the walk. I know when I see four guys in the car, they're not going to a church meeting at 12 o'clock circling Lancashire. Yeah. Okay? They're not going to a church meeting. We live in the valley for a reason. The other day, I went to donate books,

and on my daughter's school, they were painting. M-13 MS-13 tagged the school Kofax The park where I take my daughter A guy was walking his dog at two in the morning Four men came out of a car And jumped him and beat him

So do you understand where I'm going with this We're going somewhere into September October that's not going to be good here in California Whatever you guys may think Why do you think? Yeah Rogan's leaving because it's Spotify Whatever Dio's leaving Because we see the right of

on the wall. That's what I was going to say, like, why, where do you think it's headed? Like, and why do you think L.A., it's happening in L.A. the way it is? First off, it's been very quiet L.A. lately. It's been very quiet lately. They're trying to push the Colorado thing. What do you mean? Those dumb fucks that pull the whole black family out, African American family, and handcuffed them. Yeah, and they were driving. And they were in a minivan. It wasn't even, you know, they're dying to start a fucking war. They're dying to start a war. And, you know, whoever the outlets keep pushing it to see if it catches fire. It's not really going nowhere yet.

But what's happening in Portland, what's happening in Seattle, it doesn't take a fucking guy with a genie ball to tell you that it's going to sell in Los Angeles. It's been too quiet. Yeah. So we got September, October, and then we got election month, which is going to be hell. And then we got after the election to see who wins.

I mean, who the fuck, it's like... And then when they put them on the podium, how many people are going to be? So no matter who wins, there's going to be voter fraud. No matter who wins, there's going to be this. There's going to be a lot of problems. Do I see us getting shot or anything like that? No.

But with the home burglaries and the $2,400 removed from people, you're going to see people from other neighbors. Start to get real desperate. Coming into desperate neighbors. That's what we do. I did it when I was, kid. When you want money, you go to a rich neighbor and look around. Somebody leaves

their garage door open. They need to get some shit. You know, this is what happens. I'm not leaving here. I feel bad enough leaving. I'm not a quitter. Yeah. But I'm thinking about a seven-year-old girl. I'm thinking about a girl that they wanted to sit in her house from 9 to 2 a.m. 2 in the afternoon on a computer. That's

fucking, you know, 30 hours a week on a computer on top of TV fucking Nintendo switch How does that develop a child properly? Now if you drive up and down Kofax there's three fucking schools Look at the amount of property on those on that thing

I see a thousand six man tents I see a thousand of those tens They're growing It's like there's skid rows everywhere now No no no I'm talking about for kids What? For kids put them outside They got all that property on Kof

Oh I see the Kofx North Hollywood High How can you not have school. Yep. These kids have to have school. It's part of their social development. They need to.

They need to. Part of their social development. Okay, high school kids don't need it as much. They're coming on Mondays. They're coming on Mondays. Get their assignment, their self-taught, you know, their parents, they're involved. When you're in the second grade,

you're just looking at a computer screen. It's not good. I also see cartoons on a computer screen. So I want some semblance. Before I moved, I made sure that school district was going to open, at least have a Hybrid. Something where there's like something other than a screen for the children.

Two days a week. They got to see other kids. We'll get her involved in sporting events or whatever. But no, this shit I went through March, April, May, and June, I don't want to wish it on her again. And unless you lived in my eyes, I saw it affect a little girl. That's what I was going to say. How did it affect her to be, like, restrained and not have? It affected her because when you're six and seven and five, believe it or not, you have your own language.

Kids of that age have their own language. When you talk to Mercy, she's great. She's a great little girl, but after 10 minutes, you want to stab yourself in the eye. That's pretty standard. You don't know what the fuck she's saying. I love her to death. She's my daughter.

You don't know what the fuck she's talking about. You know, she's watching bait club now on Netflix. Don't catch that of your beating from her. That's an hour of you're beating in the car. But she's my daughter. I yes to the death. I look her in the eye. We make eye contact.

And I give her opportunity to speak. but when you see him with a girl her age like when we have now when we meet on the weekends with other parents and you see them talking you go because me and you could be talking and they're having their own conversation

understanding each other underneath ours and we don't hear what so they need each other you need to see how the kids struggle those you know and it was hell on me and my wife I think we all we all need it too My wife is 49.

I told him a couple weeks ago. I didn't want to go down and do Ryan Sicklers. And I went down there and I lost 10 pounds like on my shoulders. Because you vented. Because I'm getting used to this. Like right now this wouldn't have happened. Three weeks ago I would have told him, take a home. But I'm getting used to it.

I'm up to four. I'm up to four. I'm okay. I'm getting better. I'm the same way. Like I started to allow. You allowing things. As long as you got the mask on.

Everybody's got a mask on. And you know people been staying home. Do you don't need, well, listen, they didn't need to open up the fucking bars. Why, why are we? That's what I don't get. Like, why are we opening? Let's just chill. That's just chill the fuck out.

Really, stay home. I got a bar at my house. I got wine in my house. Buy a fucking thing. Get a little makeshift patio. You got to go to the bar so bad? You got to go to the bar. Bars are like COVID fucking developmental deals.

It is. It's like where COVID goes to grow. Signs a contract. Bar dark Alcohol There's no social distancing People are screaming There's spit

There's no social distancing Because once there's alcohol involved You forget You're doing shots We have a hard time social distancing Even when we're sober Yep At alcohol and you're right

You start kissing neighbors Hugging and kissing Get the fuck out of my face You know It's a bad recipe For right now I just don't see California

Just for what I need are for what our needs are. First off, I think the East Coast is going to open up before California. I think they will. They took it seriously. Yeah, they did. They shut it the fuck down. I think you're not going to be allowed to do things indoors, though.

I think that's going to still. Like the dining and all of that. Well, let's just, you know, let's get a real take on it and shut it all down and just wait until everyone's like, okay, we're good. We can go back. And it's not just California. There was a big article about how a lot of millennials are leaving cities. now. Like even before this,

there's just too many people in this one area. It has nothing to do with California. It's part of it, but there's just too many people. It's way too concentrated. It's a move to a place where you have a yard and you your daughter can play out in the yard and not have to worry about wearing a mask. What I got a house for here in New Jersey

and what I got and what I, first of all, I couldn't get a house for what I paid for here. No. Not even close. For what I paid for here, I could get like a fancy apartment. Yep. And then you mentioned the taxes. You're right.

The taxes are going to go through the roof. That's the truth. I want a yard from my daughter, you know, in L.A., in New Jersey, the city taxes go to the school. That makes sense. And so the schools, that's why the schools are so on top of it. You know what I'm saying? Here, you go to public school and they dollar you the debt.

Yeah, they don't even have pencils. If you think I dollar you the debt on Patreon, go to my daughter's school. Go to my daughter's school. Kofax, they're dollaring you to death. There's no school. And I get emails that they're doing eBay's and shit like that over there. Don't forget. What do you mean eBay?

Yeah, like they email you with, like, they send you messages. Like, we're doing the school. The only thing they're worried about a Kofax is the welfare. That's their big moneymaker and donations. From day one, I told my wife, what's the minimum donation? That's all we give them. Don't give them dick. as Burke Chrys' kids went there.

And I already got the lessons and the beating from them. They learned the hard work. That while you're there, you're giving 20s, everybody's your friend. Once you stop duke in the 20s, it's like cocaine. Everybody goes away, you know what I'm saying? That's brutal. Once you stop sucking dick, nobody wants to be your friend. That's fucking terrible.

When you give them blow jobs out, everybody comes over. Hey, you want to come home for Thanksgiving. You know what I'm saying? So it's the same thing in that world. They live off the Getus. Every time you go to that fucking school, it's a new program. it's a new donation. So I used to call the bitch Dollar the Death.

How was their performance? How were their students? The school was good, but I thought it was overrated for what. I read all these Gentiles, what they raved about the school. First off, when I walked into the school, I'm like, I don't know who went here first, Abe Lincoln or fucking George Washington because this school was old. And then when they were chick-a-treating, and the guy across the street from the school was giving my daughter an earbeat. He's like, what?

Yeah, because my daughter is not. on this door and he's like before I give you a piece of candy I have to tell you a story and tell you some history I don't know if you know this but I've lived here all my life the guy was like 60 he's like in fact I went to that grammar school Kofax Elementary where you go my door's like just give me the kinks and the guy just he just cracked what the fuck the guy just cracked the guy just cracked is that the guy with the cones yeah he's he's got one cone that fucking moron does he wear a cone no no it's a guy on this is a guy is Guys in that people, for some people, everybody in that block thinks that they should have a cone in front of the house.

So he puts a cone in front of his house for his parking spot. Like an orange construction cone? I'll run it over. I'll run that motherfucker over. But there's a guy three doors down that has three cones and a sign. You don't know how many times I've gone out for a ride at night. I'll pull over. I'll smoke a joint.

I'll eat two edibles and I'll bring water with me. And I'll start talking to somebody else and that edible hits me. me and I'll just go by leaves to check on Lee. I check on Lee twice three times a night. You don't even know. Just in case I see somebody in his alleyway or I see Lee. Yeah, I check by, if I know where you live and you live by me, I'll go by your house every day.

That's really sweet, Lee. I also go by Burke Chrys's house. I make a U-turner. You're not supposed to make a left on births. Go see how many. I make left. People beep at me, ma'am. You're not supposed to make a left.

Look, I'm checking on my friend. I do what I want. That's my dick. This is my fucking name, but I do what the fuck I want. I'm the community help here. I got my own bums. I got two black bums I got on 20s. Every time they've seen me, I got one black dude, six-foot-six, two-80, homeless, takes a shout, whatever, I give him a 20.

I had a couple guys like that in Harlem. I paid him to keep an eye on my car. I even told him what my daughter looks like. I go, you see my daughter? Anybody, you break him in half. You got it, sir. I even told her where she goes to school. I caught him walking one day by the school.

Who, that's how good of a fucking guy he is. Homeless black people. His hair is rattled up. Every time I see him, I duke him at 20. Everybody's giving them a quarter. What are you going to do with a quarter? What are you going to do with a quarter? You can't get the good crack with the quarter.

You can't even get a fucking wing. No. You can't even get one of those fucking Taliban wings. You can get candy. At 7-11. No, I take care of my community. In here, this is me. These four blocks here, this is me.

I love it. When COVID showed up, I bought a box of masks for the neighbor. That they put them on? No, they told me to go fuck myself. Except for my neighbors next door. Everybody else with kids and everything told me to go fuck myself. Wow. I was driving one day.

I saw a woman from my neighbor running. I actually pulled up next to her to give her a mask. She fucking looked at me like I was giving her a fuck. I'm like, I showed her my dick. And I'm like, this is why I got to leave here. Yeah, there is no community, really. I'm the community. I'm the only community guy, you know.

We've come away from that sort of existence. I'm so pissed with like my friend is becoming a cop. How old? He's a young man, beautiful, beautiful, tough as nails, jujitsu kid. Went to North Hollywood High and the whole thing. He just became a cop. Guess where they're sending him for his first assignment to the mental institution, to go down there and get shit drawn at him.

He's got to wear long sleeves and a shirt. Where is that? Where's in downtown? Okay. They call it something. There's a name for it. Twin Towers. Oh, yeah.

Yeah. That's where he's going. Do you know what, Lee? It has a reputation. It's like L.A. County Jail or something. Right. It's horrible, horrible, horrible. When he goes there.

Me, the kid that's from the neighborhood. Make him walk the beat up here. We don't have beat cops no more. Vinny would love to walk the beat around here. Make him walk the beat from Lancashim and victory to Lancashim and Tawanga back and forth. And then the cop gives him a ride

every time he sees him. So you and your mind know that there's a cop going to come here every 20 minutes. When we were kids, we all, the other day I reposted a picture of a cop on Facebook. It was his RIP that he died. I forget what his real name was. We called him the quarterback from the Giants, Phil Sims.

He looked just like Phil Sims. So he called Phil Sims. Let me tell him a little story about Phil Sims. And people from my neighbor that listen to this podcast, I'll tell you this. You know Phil Sims fought two of my friends while he was on duty? The football player or the cop? The cop.

Okay. He would tell him, you want to fuck? with me, take his badge, he'd take his belt off, have his partner hold it. He fought two of my friends that film, and afterward they shook hand and put their belts on. Respected him. And that's what cops are supposed. Because this is what's missing right now. We have no cops.

There's no respect. There's no mutual respect. To be friends with them. We don't know them. So if you become a cop and you're from the Bronx and you become a cop, why would I put you in New Jersey? I'll put you in the Bronx and your neighbors. Right. Because, listen, if you grew up knowing that Joey and Lee are gay,

and every week they get drunk and beat each other up, it's just a part of growing up. Yep, it is. It's just normalized. You're going to come over to him and arrest them both every time. Right. So if Vinny gets the call, he's going to come over and say, Joey, stop beating up on Lee. Lee, toughen up, will you?

And stop drinking. And that color isn't good for you. You need a different rouge. It doesn't work for your skin tone. Like all that, you know what I'm saying? Like all these people grew up in the community. community, they know the community. So if they know that Jessumait takes medication, also I got a call that there's a blonde woman at 7-11 naked saying, I want dick, you know,

and it's a Tuesday for me in quarantine. I run down there and go Jessumay before they shoot you and arrest you. I know where to take you. I know what you need. I grew up with you. That's what I'm talking about. Number two, they got to put more PALs in, at least athletically. Let the cops orientate themselves with children. That helped me a ton when I was a kid. It helped you take the fear away from children, from the cops. You could talk to them.

They took it to the police station once a month. They fingerprinted you to let you shoot a 22. And then they give you the target to take home. We have officer-friendly as a kid. You come talk to the school, answer questions. They don't want to do that. Here they do that Starbucks on Thursdays. Between one and three,

they send two good-looking rookies. LA is lacking the community feel for sure. Those communities exist in America. That's why I'm leaving. Yeah, I get that. I've had enough of this. I've had enough of having holidays with four people. Yeah, it's just so, it's, everyone's an island here.

You know, I've had enough of having holidays with poor fucking orphans. Yeah. People don't want to go home or can't go home. They'd rather go home in February. Yep. I'm sick and tired of just nothing changes here. Right. The cost to chase your dreams is lonely.

It's beautiful here. You know what? I did my time. Yep. I don't regret a dime of it. I don't regret. The people you met. No, I was at the store.

I had a great dime. And it's just time to be smart enough. I'd rather leave here. I'd rather walk out than leave here on my fucking knees. Yeah, you're Seinfelding it. Okay. I'd rather walk out of this motherfucker than leave out of here. Then have to go.

Okay. Yep, you're making the choice. You know, right now with a podcast, we have a podcast that we're limited guests. We're limited guests because people aren't flying in no more. No. I can't get an author to come in. I can't. We're limiting guests now.

How long will this be the normal? I mean, we all enjoy our guests, but we're not getting the quality of guests we were getting. Like, I had a phenomenal April setup. I had the guy who got beat up and the Godfather coming in. I had David Provalca. I had a bunch of hitters coming in. Went down the tubes.

They're all old. They're scared to fucking scary, everybody. Chong. I lost a bunch of fucking guests. So that's getting kind of old. There was just a lot of things. My life was getting monotonous. And I didn't realize it until I went to New York last year for the soprano movie.

That's when I read. Yes, that's when it hit you. That's when it hit. Yep. I remember talking about that with you. I was like, well, what am I doing here? Well, one of the things that you've always said, even just about the podcast, is that you have to evolve.

Like, we've had a few different versions of the podcast. So eventually, got to evolve and change your location or change something. Joe Rogan's Joe Rogan. He's done what he's done. I wish him a lot of luck. But everything that goes up must come down. And that's for Tom Segura's.

That's for mine. That's for birds. That's all this stuff is eventually going to go down. Listen, you know what? We've been in the top 40 for eight fucking years. That's a fucking success. I'm very proud of that. Yeah.

I'm very proud of that. Considering all the podcasts are. And I'd rather walk out on my feet than crawl out of here on my fucking knees. Do you think you'll come back one day? Are you just, you go and, with the flow right now. I want to do. Like, I'm over, like,

I already got one of the eat who hit me in New York. I had a conversation with Gomez the other day. That was possibly the best conversation I've had with a comment a long time.

Because he called me, to ask me if I was moving to Jersey, where I was moving from, and it was 20 minutes from his house. And he goes, how old is your daughter? And I go, seven. He goes, my son's seven.

Yep. And he goes, they could play together. And I'm like, great. And I got off the phone. I'm like, That was a great conversation because he wasn't calling me to ask me when I was going to do skanks

or what I was just about your life. Jimmy's radio. I'm not doing any of that shit off the bat. I just did a podcast for eight years. I think it's smart. I'm not doing anything for at least a month. We're going to wrap this up probably on the 15th, 16th. Hopefully the 15th

will clean this fucking dump up. You're going to give me one of your records? I said you're going to give me one of your records. You can take whatever the fuck you want. And we're out of you. That's it. And then if he tells me he wants to come to New York and do comedy, if he's got a reason to come down it,

but come down that twice a week for this, it's not working anymore. I can't make him change his life for two days a week to go to some part of New Jersey that he's never been in and he doesn't know if he even likes for no reason. You know, let's let him go back, settle down. I want him to look at that microphone and say, you know what?

I miss doing a podcast. I want to do it on this, I want to do it on that, whatever the fuck he wants to do. And I got the same option. But for right now, I'm really happy. I'm really happy that I'm just getting out of here. And for the right reasons, and I think the sign of Lewis mentioning something about family

is just an indication that you're following it. That was it. He's moving to Jersey too, he said. Yeah. That's what I just said. Yeah, he called me to tell me he was moving to Jersey. He heard from Ari that was moving to Jersey, where I was moving, because he's close to this kid.

Yep. I'm three-tenths of a mile from my man Jimmy Florentine. I opened for Jim years ago at Levity Live, years ago. You know, I have nothing to complain about. Am I going to go into the city and do spots? No. Are you somebody like at this point in your life, like we were talking about an outlet, you know, like before we started recording, like what my next outlet is because of stand-up,

like, do you feel like you're going to need or desire an outlet? Because you're not touring doing stand-up, the video, movie productions halted in the podcast. I didn't want. First of all, movies and all that shit's done. I'm shooting this soprano and I'm going out of soprano. Yeah.

Let's go out on that too. Why ruin it? Why ruin it? What am I going to do? Some stupid show on NBC? You could play my dad in a movie. Yeah. You know what I'm saying?

Unless it's something really strong, I got a call for something. I can't release. But if it comes true, yes, I'll do it. But besides that, I'm just doing the sopranos with that. Yeah. In April or May, when comedy comes back legitimately, not under a tent,

I got to be Johnny circus, of a fucking pickup, of an old Ford pickup. I'm not doing that. I did comedy for 29 years. I have some sort of respect for myself and some sort of respect for comedy. And I have respect for human beings. It's not a good time to have people in bunches. You need happiness?

Go shoot heroin, okay? You want happiness? I'll remember that one. I'm going to a fucking, go to a Chinese place. and have them, they're not even open. You can't even get your dick sucked. You can't even get your dick sucked. You can't.

All those Chinese handjob places are closed. They're doing house calls. The other day I went to, when I went to the dentist, I drove by one that I heard is one of the nastiest ones of all time. Like filthy? There's one on Lower Canyon that's supposed to be like, they're fucking real Asian, like, kidnapped. Oh, good.

They cry when you fuck them and all that stuff. So good quality. fucking Chinese. Jesus Christ. They give you pieces of paper, sneak me out, call my cousin. Yeah.

Call my cousin and shit. I thought he said, call my Tyson. I'm not going to tell you who told me. He went there one day and he said it was fucking creepy that they take you in the back

and there's like a locking key and you open it and there's like just, it just smells like fucking soy sauce. And it's just like 20 girls and lingerie. locked in there with no window.

Bro, just waiting there. He goes, Joey, it was one uglier than the other. This was the ugly. That's what he was worried about? The attractiveness of the sex trafficked Asian teenagers. He said he got like a Thai, because he likes Thai food.

He said he got like a Thai one. And the nipples are really hard. Plus, he was, I mean, he told me the whole thing. He's disgusting, this guy. But he told me that's where it was. And it's hidden. It's fine. They hide it behind a chiropractic place.

You mean to tell me people in this city, like people who are like established and can do something don't know about that. This is all from North Hollywood. Everyone knows. Lee told me that on Van Nuys Boulevard, there's hookers. I've heard from other men who tell me that Van Nuys, they have those places and they're worked by Cuban chicks. Sex trafficked?

Sex traffic Cuban. I mean, they get them in and they groom them when they're young. and some of them are still young. I realize everyone has their own individual struggles. There's a lot of societal stress and all this shit that's going on. But like that, to me, that is a huge fucking problem that we should be. The sex trafficking that goes on domestically in this country. Houston, Texas, the cap.

What are you going to pull out? Is this a frequent flyer? This is my spot. I've been going to the hung foot spa for 10 years. I got a punch card, okay? But before you judge him, Desimé, he took me there.

It's a legit place. I know what it is. I know, because this motherfucker doesn't mess around when it comes. Let me see this. Let me tell you. I'm pissed because I'm close to one free punch card,

and they close down. You understand where I live? I got one more fucking, the next time I go in there, it's free. And they close down that week. That's beautiful. Can you fucking believe that?

If that's not a metaphor for life, I don't know what is. I was going in there. I was going in there every. another week. I want to see it. The John foot now. Let me explain something to you. I don't know if you know this about me, Jess and Mae. I got to be honest with you. I don't like people touching me. I don't like women touching me. You don't? Listen, I don't, I'd never realize that. Yeah. If I have like a neck thing, I don't mind you coming over and going, Joey, what's called? But you

you called me Joey. You know me. Right. I don't like people touching my back. Like, I don't like people. If I don't know, like if you told me, like if you I had a husband and you told me you did massages, I would go to you. Yes. I get that. I would feel better if you had a husband. I would too. I would feel a lot better if you had a husband. I would too.

I don't want you to be single and I got to know your husband. It's like I can compare notes with your husband. He'll tell me, tell her to rub your back, tell her to stick her knuckle in your assholes. She'd scrayed at it. Women who do massages, I was friends with the one in Aspen. And he used to tell me what to tell you. to do. That's her specialty. Tell her to stick her hand under your armpit.

She would... I used to box them and do lap, pull-downs. So she would do something with her fingers that your whole body would just vibrate. So husbands know what their women do. But I don't know anybody. I went to that fucking... That massage place one time was the worst.

The worst massage... Envy? Envy. Oh, are you kidding? utterly horrible. It's terrible. Somebody gave me a gift card. And I went out of respect.

I said, let me go. They gave me a gift card. They worked really hard for it. I didn't even take the massage. I took the stretch out. The one when they stretch out. Yeah, and slip your discs. Horrible.

Horrible. I've gone two or three times and it's never been good. He put a ball on my feet and rub my foot with a ball. First of all, you're getting that fungi toenail all over your hand. My feet, I don't need that. You got now, this place. Before I found this place, somebody told me about another place

and I went in there and the first time the chick gave me a massage it was kind of cool but not really what do you mean like was she trying was she going like scoching near your tank

like trying to get was it like one of those thoughts? I don't like when you lay down on the table I don't like no that shit what you're supposed to do stand up? At Junkfung you put your feet up on the couch they got to the TV oh that's kind of nice they put your feet in hot water

They do your shoulders, your biceps, your hands. So you like to be comfortable sitting. You don't want to feel like in a vulnerable position. I don't want to sit in a vulnerable position where I'm like this. And all of a sudden you're sticking a pipe in my ass. You never know. A fucking sword. You never know.

Chinese people, they might get mad about something and stick a sword up here. What massage and fees have you been to? I just listen. I don't like massages. I don't like massages. I don't like none of that shit. See, I feel the same way. I get massages.

I used to get massages all the time because all the traffic. traveling that we do and I went to this Thai spot, tie massage is where it's at where they get up and they put their feet into your soul. Right. That's that's down there. That's next to Brett school. You get some real older Asian women. They step on you. Oh, and these women are so strong.

They have like hands like Gianelli sausages. Their fingers are so thick and strong and they get into muscles you didn't even know you had and they pull you back and things are cracking. The one thing that was nice that one time, remember we had a sponsor, Zeal, and they came to my house. I don't really have that many massage experiences, but that was kind of nice. It's got to hurt a little.

Oh, I don't know. It needs to like a little bit of pain. That's why I need. Yeah, he yelled it because there's out. When I go, yeah, I go. I need a little pain. I used to always get the chick. There's guys and men.

You got to get women. But they had a woman that was like an Olympic lifter. She was stronger than death. And she was a sweetheart. You know what she charges? It was a 20 hour for the happy hour. $20? $25 for happy hour from 12 to 3.

Happy hour? And I would tip her a 20. What else would you get? That's it. Wow. Your feet. Is there anything better than a fucking foot massage? From the knees down.

From the knees down. And then she would stick a stick into your bones and your feet. And your whole body would just fucking tremble. And then she does your knees. Your shoulders, your neck, your eyes, your skull. You ever have a bitch getting your eye socket? $25. Lee.

$25. I don't even know I can see your eye socket. I would call her. I would call and see when she was ready. The call was hilarious. Hello. I forget what her name was. I had her right of the reddened down.

She's a sweetheart. You're like, you got the sticks. I'm coming in, sugar. Get the sticks ready. Me and my wife used to double date. Jesse. Oh. Me and my wife used to dub me and my wife on Friday nights

We'll go on dates We'd bring sweatpants with us We'd go to a nice restaurant I love this And then we'd come to the office We'd switch And we'd go over there With shorts on instead of going home

Because then we're gonna fuck with mercy up And we'd sit next to each other Hold hands And I'd get a chick She'd get a chick And we'd just sit there next to each other at night That's adorable And the place would be packed

Because they were up until 10 So we go back about 8.30, we do the hour long. And then we go home at 10, feeling like a fucking doctor. Yeah, you have to go to those spots. Those spots that are not. To help your mama stabbing after that? Shit. I ain't paying a massage.

If I'm not loosening that fucking monkey up, you know what I? With your massage cock? And after these guys understand, you take a woman on the first date to a Chinese massage place like that. You're going to get the kitty. She's sucking your dick. Everybody takes them for flowers. No, fuck that.

Fuck that. We're going for a massage. And you tell them right now. You don't, anyway, I don't want to bring it up. You don't, you got to be decent. You got to say to him, I'm going to take you to a surprise. Bring sweatpants. He called me up one day.

He's like, wear shorts. Be downstairs in five minutes. Yeah, because he wouldn't do it. He was scared. He was like, why are we going? How good was it? It was good. It's very good.

It's very good. I love it. I was doing it every other week. I was doing it a couple times a month. It was like my thing. Me too. Twice a month. It's my little thing on Sunday.

with my daughter. Yes, I would do that something. When they would go to church at 12, I'd zip over there, and I'd sit with her, and she'd fucking take it all out of me. She would stand on me, because then you paid, then I started paying 40 for 45 minutes. It's worth it. Come on. It's the best money you could spend.

It's $80.90. It's trash. It's 40. And they're just petting you with feathers. I would give her a $40 tip. And she would get on top of me. I would hear bones breaking, fucking neck breaking. She would pull my neck out.

Oh, then she would do your ears. Your ears. You know your ears. Your scalp. You can't even imagine. This is the shit I'm going to miss. When they closed, and then they opened up for about two weeks. When it was level three, before the shut down, they opened up.

But. Just say you'll be back for something. Huh? You'll be back eventually for a gig or something. No, I'm not coming back. He's never coming back. He's fucking done. You're going to be a Minneapolis growing weed in your backyard.

That's it. You're going to live a happy life. Oh, is there? No, I'm only going there for a month. Oh, okay. Well, you say that now. You never know what if you meet a nice lady? I'm semi-retiring.

That's great. That's what I'm doing. Because even when comedy comes back, I'm going to start in Jersey. And you're going to go easy. And I'm going to work myself outward. I'm going to do everything I can that I could drive to first. That's smart. Providence, Boston.

Providence is great. I go back to the clubs. Where do you play in Providence? The only club up there, that club. Comedy Connection. Comedy Connection, Corey. He does it right. It's a fucking great club.

It is a great club. It's such a beautiful city. It's just perfect for COVID, too. It's too small in there. It's too small. So they got to get it off. All the smaller clubs, I can't wait. He's doing outside stuff.

He's doing outside, though. He's great. He understands. Stand. Governors and Long Island is doing outside. There's a lot of guys doing outside. You know, my problem is, it's not even COVID anymore. It's what joke you might say.

What's the first? What do you start with? No, no, no, no. It's not even about material. I'm very scared that Lee might go up on stage and say, I'm a Jewish, and somebody might go, fuck you, you fucking Jew, as a joke. And then somebody might go, fuck you, I'm Jewish. And then they throw bottles. You know, what if Felipe goes on stage?

And he goes, you know the funny thing about white people fool? And also the white guy gets up. Oh, you're saying it's that. We're that sensitive right now. we are to a point right now where I can't you know what's going to happen is you're a sweet girl Jasmine thank you and you have a roommate or you have she's your friend this is Debbie she works with me and she's a friend what you do is one night you know

she's going through hell she's never hung out with her before she's the girl next door right she's the girl next door and you've seen that she's been kind of down lately and you take it to a club but you never seen a drink right She has three drinks and all sudden come Debbie becomes fucking devil. Is this going to happen, Deb? Yeah, let it get it. You know, one of those jerks. So you take it up to a comedy show.

And at the comedy show she starts acting this way. And what do you do now? And now there's an argument. That's what's going to happen. People are going to take people at day. You ever do New Year's? Why do the New Year suck? Why do we have to be on stage?

People who go to comedy shows on New Year's, they don't know how to act. No, they don't go out. So they go as a present. I got you tickets for Lisa. He's so funny. Oh, my God. And you're like, I just want to be home and watch Dick Clark with his deformed fucking head. I want to be home and feel like a human.

Yeah. Nobody wants to be, you know, so they go to these things. Deformed hands. Yeah, they don't. He does have a deformed day. Before he died, his head was a little fucked up. It was a little fucked up. I ain't saying nothing bad about nobody.

It's a good man. Got rest of soul, but it was a little bit. start the new year off, looking at a fucked up head. You know what I'm saying? That's what I need. Thank God they got rid of Kathy Griffin, too, that dumb bitch. I don't want her on her and the other commie bastard. CNN fucking Jim. Anderson Cooper?

Yeah, that fucking commie fuck. CNN Jim. He's a closet Scientologist, that motherfucker. Over there fucking playing the drums of Scientology. He just won't sign up. You know what I'm saying? I can't breathe. Fucking people.

And while we're fucking taking stats, statue's Donna Columbus. I was telling him what's his name last night. Everybody, why he's taking statues down to Columbus. How about giving Dracula's props? Dracula was originally gay. Did you know that?

Yeah. Dracula was gay. Pansexual. When Dracula came out, he was, that's right. Yeah. He fucked. Men, women, and trans. And wolves.

They fucked everything. White people got a hold of them, and he only fucks women and bites women in the neck. Yep. Makes it for their comfort. No, no, no, no. That's why you never get bit by a fag. because when you haven't been to West Hollywood enough.

Don't bite you, but if a fact bites you, how do you lose them? You have to stick a finger up their ass, just like the pit bull. That's why that's where they came from that. They said, when a pit bull bites you,

how do you make them let loose? You have to stick two fingers up his ass. Oh, that's a good idea. That's the truth. That's the truth. I'll have to remember that. Where do you did they copied that from? I'll have to remember.

Gay men, when they bite you and they're going at it, you never, you never seen a gay dentist? Have you ever seen a gay dentist? This never. Is he? I never seen a gay dentist because they don't need a dentist because they brush with cock. You understand me? When you brush with cock, that's the best fluoride right there.

You never seen a gay man with bad teeth, right? I've seen a couple. How does that relate to Dracula? We're going to get back there. He'll bring it back. I'm just pissed off about Dracula. And that's the Dracula way for the gay people. It's bullshit.

Give Dracula. back to gay people. He needs his dick. Give Dracula Dick. Nobody will be protesting. We should go protest. I'm telling you. Give Dracula back to the gay people. Dracula belonged to gay people and white people stolen from the gay people like they stole California from the Mexican.

Yes, everything. But it's true. But people depict, they take what the truth is and then they put it through their system and they make it comfortable. You think about your motherfucker was busting out of cape. Yeah, and 19-20. Transylvania, eye makeup. He had contour.

He was the first cool gay motherfucker. He had jewelry. He figured it out. He's like, you know what? I'm going to wear a cape. I'm going to show these regular gay motherfuckers how to do it up and shit. He had outfits. He wore purple.

He only came out at midnight. Came out at night looking fresh. And he had to go down by 6 o'clock. And what makes him go away? Garlic. That's right. You ever smell your ball? What are they smell like at 6 in the morning?

Garlic, that's why you leave. You think that's a coincidence? That's why women fucking leave because We get that garlic cloud. We're out. We're done. Guys, when he was talking about those 6 a.m. phone calls, this is what you would tell me at 6 a.m.

All this theories. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I can't do this no more. I can't do this no more. Wait, am I the only one who took an edible? What?

Am I the only one who took an edible? No, I took one who took one. I took some garlic pills too. I got a fart coming out pretty soon. I got a fart. I got garlic pills mixed with cancumptcha juice. Oh, Jesus Christ. What's going to come out of my ass is going to be pure fucking.

It's going to smell like one of those guys that smell. That sells. those steaks on a stick in New York. You would smell those. They sell that fucking Slovakia on the stick. Yes. They use hummus. Yeah, they use hummus for fucking deodorant.

You talk about nuts smell. Hummus. Some of your dudes nut smell like hummus in the wee hours. Not my dudes because I watch my balls. Dog, I had to stop taking these vitamins. Which vitamins? I'm going to admit to you guys what happened. Your nuts swole up.

No. Do you comus vitamins? No. Hummus vitamins. Your cum started to taste like it. No, I don't taste my cum, okay? That's fucking disgusting. I tasted it when I was 13.

Just once? And that was enough. Just once. I wanted to see what all the fuss was about. I just took a little taste and had the little chlorine taste to it. That's when I was 13. It was still good chlorine. It was still concentrated.

Now it's not even chlorine. Now chlorine can't save the taste of her. Well, now it's in Lee's weed, apparently. It smells terrible. But it didn't come on it. Well, I fucking. That's what he said. I started taking multivitamins.

A friend of mine gave me these multivitamies. I started taking these peas that smelt so bad. I mean, I could wear a pair of shorts for two hours, two hours, like six to eight and go home. And the next day I was like, it got to the point where I would drive and I could smell my dick, the piss in my shorts. I was like, I can't believe. And then my wife said something to me. She's like, what the fuck is coming out of your piss That it smells so bad

I would piss leave the bathroom And go back to wash my hands Because I forgot and I'd go This smells terrible My piss was coming out This weird form of yellow These vitamins were fucking me up And then I started taking bloody shits

I took like two of them That I would shit It would come out perfectly And then I would do a little Nug and then a little blood would come out That happened like three days in the row And I'm like I got cancer You gotta get out of LA

I got to get out of LA and then it stopped. I stopped taking those vitamins. You got to get out of L.A. Sometimes vitamins are the worst things in the fucking world. Well, you have to look at, the vitamins are dangerous because of how they're making them. If they're not made out of, like, actual really good ingredients. And sometimes you take too much of something. That shit, you have to really, like, look into what's in the vitamin.

You can't just take a multi-bidium. Well, I take, like, fish oil. That's good. Yeah, I take all that shit. Vitamin D. Your B vitamins. All that shit that they said about, the zinc. You need zinc.

The fucking whatever. I take the D. It's more important to have mushrooms. It's a whole package. You got to get like those vital mushrooms, like those aschamaconda, the Rishi, the corticeps. You got to get stuff that's like, you know, like neutropics, like take care of your brain.

Some of those vitamins you put in your system and the bioavailability is not there and you piss them all out. And that's probably why your piss smelled so bad because they weren't bioavail. Horrible. They went right through your system. I've been off for three days

and my piss smells like lemonade again. Oh. I can sell on a stand. You know what I'm saying? I can give a little. boy fucking... Remind me not to drink lemonade at your house.

Jessima, I would ask you, you know, so you're going to Syracuse, what do you got in mind? I'm going to go. My mom is, she's got like C-O-P-D and Lupus, so I have to, I'm going to drive because I'm not going to get on a plane.

I don't want to get on a plane. I'm going to drive cross-country. Do you have to quarantine once you get there? Yeah, so I have to quarantine for like a week when I get there. Oh, Justin, they get your Oklahoma City so you can stop and make a little buck a lot. But I mean,

it's outside. What are they? Okay, they're doing outside. If you want to, just a thought. Maybe one on the way wouldn't be bad. So you can make a little scratch. Yeah.

One night. See if they do Thursday. Yeah, it would be kind of fun just to do it during the time. Just experience it a little bit. I mean, you're going by yourself? My dogs. Yeah, I've done the trip, cross-country trip three times back and forth from East. It's great.

It's like the only time you really get to like do nothing and just zone out. Yes. And you drive through Utah. Holy shit. Utah feels like another country. The way it looks. It just looks like you're on. the surface of another planet.

We were thinking of driving across country, but then I looked at my wife and I go, let me talk about something. Let me holl at you. We've been in the house for five months. We got a seven-year-old that's got Spanish blood. The chiefs get red if she doesn't see daylight by two. And we got three cats.

They're going to be going, meow, the whole fucking ride. And we'll listen to Disney Radio. Oh, you will. Someone will get murdered. That music. I go by Indianapolis. Either you're going to drop me off, I'm going to drop you all. or we're going to just file for divorce.

Indianapolis, even that's like, because we had it, we had the plan. We were going to stop in Utah, Denver, yeah, Indy, Iowa, Chicago, and then drive straight home, something like that. I know it was Indiana. That's close, yeah. And I told my wife, I go,

I'm going to be honest with you, we're not going to make it. That's a smart move. I'm telling you right now, because that's five nights in a hotel. That's 15 meals. And in and out of the car with your bag. And you have to bring everything in and night because they're going to rob you.

Yeah. Oh, you have, you can't leave, you can't leave shit in the car. Yeah. So everything has to come in with you. Yep. The important stuff. Oh, the important.

I bought shades for my car. I bought shades for every window. Shades. They don't know what's fine. Like those little roll up things? No, no, no. It's like legit like you put magnets and you can't see it all.

What are you going to do by your California license plate? Fuck nut. Oh. You follow me. So you can put shade. But I'm, I'm going to park in places that have a garage. Trust me.

I thought about it. You're going cross country too? Yeah, I just had my car broken into. Don't talk to nobody at gas stations. No. Don't talk to nobody. You don't know nothing. What are you doing here?

I'm coming to see my grandmother. She lives next door. Can I jump in the car? Not even for fucking. No, no, no. I don't talk to know. Nothing. You got to be very, very.

My friend just did it. And she goes, it's creepy out there. I have a bat in my car. At the one night, they stopped somewhere. And that she went out to get something out of the car. And there were people in the parking lot. If it's creepy, I'll just sleep in the car and it's creepy it was creepy last year I stopped in St. Louis

you don't want to sleep in the car you know you can't I stopped in St. Louis it was creepy it has a parking lot with a security but even that I did that in St. Louis and there was a parking lot with a security guard roaming around and I went into the hotel I had all my dogs put them into the room and then I was going to go back out to the car to get the valuables so that they're not staying in the car overnight I bring Carlin with me because he's a pit boxer mix so I leave my little dogs and run. room, bring my pit boxer with me just in case. And when I come out of the, the door to the hotel to go into the parking lot, there's like a huge garbage, like one of those dumpsters underneath a street

lamp in the parking lot. And parking lot's kind of full. And this guy comes from out behind the dumpster. It's about midnight. And I, you know that? You just know. I was like, oh, this is, this is no good. This guy doesn't need sugar. He's, he's waiting to see who the fuck is going to their cars. he comes towards me and I was like don't come near me I was like stop and he's like can I pet your dog after I said don't come near me and stop and then I was like okay fuck

this is going to turn into some scenario so I scrambled to get into my car lock the door he came right up to my window and do you know what the creepiest part was Joey his his demeanor he was so low and calm like why don't you open

let me talk to your dog let me pet your dog I mean yeah he's good I felt like I felt so violated. I've never been that scared in my life. Even with Carlin, that dude came up to me. He didn't give a fuck. And I drove away.

I was, I sped away. I got pulled over by the cops because I was going 90 and a 30. Did you tell them? Yeah, they put their, they came right up to the car. They're like, uh, what's going on? You're going a little fast. I was like, some dude in a parking lot in your, in your airport hotel tried to just like carjack me and rate me pretty much. And they're like, oh, yeah.

Yeah, you got California planes. You can't come around here like that. Like he mentioned being from California. If you're traveling anybody, guys, anywhere. If you're traveling when you park, don't stay on hotels on the road. No, you can't stay. Yes. Back your shit up.

If you have a U-Haul, somebody's going to sleep in it. And women have to, women fumble in the car. You need to be aware. Motherfuckers snatch you from your car. Snatch you from your car. Because you're leaning, you got your door open, you're leaning over in the passenger seat. You got your dog. You're so distracted.

They're going to kill that French poodle. The poodle's done. The poodle's gone. It's just such a shame that I sat my wife down and explained to my wife today after the bully busters thing. Now she's like, oh my God, it's hitting our backyard. I've been telling you that for weeks. I've always got a habit. or going outside at 9.30 to drink a beer in front of the house.

I told her the night right out, it's the last time you're doing this. I go, because people drive by, they think you're a single woman living here. And if my car's not here and you're out here at 9.30 drinking, they're going to run you right into the house. And then they're going to have a problem with my daughter. And then I'm going to have a problem with you when I get home. I suggest you want to drink a fucking beer, you go in the garage like everybody else. What is she going to do it in the front of the house?

Because she goes, I just want to go outside and get in. I'm like, there's cars, there's people. They're just driving in these neighborhoods and sets of fours in a nice Mustang. I see them in SUVs driving around at night. And it's like Chris Rock said, nobody goes to the ATM at 3 o'clock for money for something good. Nobody's going to call you for a kidney donation money at 4 in the morning. Right. It's never a good scenario.

You know, when I talked to the owner of bully buses, she goes, the cameras outside spotted them at 1.30, case in the joint. Your place? No, no. Oh. What's bully busters? When my daughter goes... Oh, that's the name of the place.

Did she get completely cleaned out? They cleaned... They stole a couple things. My heart goes out to it, so my wife's going to... Again, thank God for the Patreon. Yeah. I'm going to go over there and give her a little something. That's nice.

My daughter's going to go over there. That's really nice. I'm going to give a little dinner for her to take her mother and her boyfriend out because she has not. caught a break. There's people right now that are not catching break. No, and they didn't, they weren't catching a break prior to the 14th. She has a martial art school. They bailed. So she can't, the rent is due. The rent is the school is due. That's so brutal. Somebody stole her cell phone the other day. You know, it's just right now people are going through hard patches. And as long as you

know this is a human being, what you could do is be a better human being. Yes. to these people. Be a little nicer. Mm-hmm. You know what? Somebody don't have a mask on. Just walk the other way. Yep. Don't mean you have to talk to them. Don't mean you... Who would a fuck gave you a badge?

Amen. Who gave you a fucking badge to tell somebody? Just walk the other way. Seriously. I almost... I thought about you the other day. I almost got in trouble. I was at Goodwill donating stuff. And this guy was in line to go into the sort of shop.

And he was yelling at people. This thing isn't real. This thing is a hoax. No one knows anyone who got anything. And I was like, I know somebody. I would just have a conversation and then he's like, no, you don't and I just left because then they weren't taking donations.

But I was like, if he's in line to shop a goodwill, things aren't going well, why do I care? Why am I trying to argue with him? Right. He's got it worse than you. Yeah, no, no, no, no. I was hiking and some dude screamed at me.

A hiking up in nature. There's nobody around. Like, you pass people once in a while, but you're literally 15, 20 feet away from each other. This guy yelled at me. I'm up there with my dogs. I go up early in the, morning, clear my mind.

You gotta put a mask on. Like, everywhere else I'm supposed to, I do. But I'm, I can't even breathe as it is. Regularly, like, it's fine with the mask. I can breathe the mask. I just got used to riding the bike with it. But

you got to see the mask when I'm finished with it. I just throw it away. Is it filled with everything? It's just sweaty. At the end of all that shit. It's just sweaty. Look at the camels. You're spraying that shit. You're an open flame.

Oh, yeah, I always do that. Just to give it a little fucking a little papoosa. You know what I'm saying? Would you call that spray? I don't know. I got so many names. You have so many words. It doesn't matter.

The vocabulary runs deep in my world. Oh, God, that stuff smells so fucking bad, Joey. What would you rather have in here? Where's your mask? Lee, put your mask on. Let me see your cute. Oh, look at your cute mask. He's got his little boss.

Are you contaminatedly? No. You better not be contaminated. You're contaminated with cuteness. Thank you. Oh, look at that. Look at that thing. Look at that face.

Yeah, but I can't wear this on the road because people will hit the Red Sox. You'll get beaten up wearing a Red Sox. I lived in Boston for a while, so. Where? All over a little. Actually, Alston. Oh, right?

The college area. Yeah, it was a lot of fun. They flipped cars when they won the World Series. Oh, yeah, yeah. It was like rioting and. looting. I didn't understand that. Why do they do that? When people win, they just burn shit. Doesn't make any sense.

Somebody was tell me the story about why people are fans of people, of teams. Because they're losers and they identify with winners. And that's why I was like, boy, you've been lonely for a long time. This is what you're thinking about. Because they identify with losers? Yeah, I mean, I don't know what the fuck they were talking about. I don't even know what the fuck I was hearing this at. I think it was somebody's podcast, why people are fans or teams because they identify their losers.

So they have to identify with a winner. And I'm like, you're too fucking boy. Just what they were complaining about, that basketball isn't the same. It doesn't look good. I mean, every, it's, burning up a storm. Oh my God. If that's not a sign of the times, your candle is just done. It's done.

That's it. That's it. That's it, man. Listen, whatever happens here, I did my time. You seem at peace. Oh, my God. You seem more at peace than I've ever seen you. You have no idea because the fucking, the jeopardy is over.

I look behind the curtain. You know, you got to be careful what you wish for in this life. I was very fortunate to look behind the curtain. And guess what? I didn't like what I saw. Yeah. So it was kind of perturbing me for a while. and now I just want to be a regular fucking comic.

I don't want to have to worry about Netflix or ever talk about Netflix again. I worry about nothing of that shit. I did my time. That's it. I don't have to talk to these people and be, you know, like, interested and not, you know. Yeah, that part is just.

You know, I went to a meeting a couple weeks ago and I could tell that I'm done. Like, I'm pretty much done as far as all that. You know, those people have, We have to talk to you about, listen, tell me what it is. What's your pay? Yeah. Let's start with the pay.

Let's start with the pay and then let's work ourselves. Yeah, exactly. Let's save ourselves a lot of time. Because if all this is for low-budget sag, I'm going to hit you in the head with a fucking pipe. You know? Can low-budget sag your fault? It's not just going to happen. That's 100 bucks.

It's not going to happen. Yeah, but come on. You're not doing anything. Listen, I'm not doing it. So you're barking up the wrong tree. Right now. for me to do any of that shit it's Guitas.

You know, you want to make me happy? Give me an envelope before the shoot. You'll see me fucking act like Marlon Brando. I'll be fucking, I'll be that Irish guy. I'll be the best there ever is. But this genuine shit now that they're going to put you through, it's going to change a lot in this time.

It really is. It already has. I want how many acting coaches are going to go down, all those acting classes. So many businesses. Who's going to pay for that shit? Those spaces? Nobody can go and do those classes now.

I was looking at that theater. That's got a felice sign. What theater? On fucking Lancashim. Really? Right across from the 24-hour fitness? Wow. Oh, no, no.

That's a Paltow. That's not going nowhere. That's NBC run. Oh, okay. NBC runs that one. The one lower. The one when you get into the theater area in Lancashim, like two of them have felice signs already.

That's it. Those people don't have to leave. They don't have the money. No. So many people are going to have to leave. Yeah. Small theater is done. But so many things are not, like I said, for you to shoot successfully, you have to spend money.

Yep. So if you shoot something and they're all like all over the place, somebody's going to get sick. And then they're going to shut everything now. You know, look at baseball versus basketball. Yeah. Is baseball almost done? They're not saying it, but like the entire Marlins organization got it. They did?

Yeah, like 17 and like 20 people got it. Miami, you know, that's a fucking cesspool down there, just like L.A. You know, we're cesspool. Yeah, people aren't listening. Were you open too soon? I don't know why we're reopening. Miami, look at the bar. Look at the towns that open.

As Cobbics. Look at the towns that open. Yeah. Florida. Party, no matter where you go. They don't give a fuck. Texas. They don't give a fuck.

Arizona. You got Tempe and you got Tucson. Tempe's open. Tempe was open. Wow. All those clubs in those cities were open. West Palm State open. Houston State open.

Dallas stayed open, Phoenix stayed open, Tempey stayed open. Jesus. Nashville stayed open. That's insane. What are you going to do? I get people have to pay bills, though. I mean, I get all that stuff, but I don't want people paying bills. That's why I decided not to do dick until this is dumb.

I don't want nobody getting sick on me. You told me that from the beginning. I don't mind. Who the fuck is Joe D. is that you want to go see them anyway? How stupid are you to sit with a bunch of other dirty people? And then to be the one that causes some shit to go down? Yeah. To laugh.

It's not worth it. Ha ha ha ha ha. What happens when I go, ha ha ha, ha. Everything, but my fucking tooth flies out when I go, ah, ha. Well, sometimes your tooth comes to. Sometimes. You never know. You should have seen it.

I wish I would have seen it. When she was grinding those teeth and all that pubic hair. You know, from the 80s? Sometimes you eat somebody's asshole and the pubic hair gets stuck around the tooth and you just leave it there. Yeah. But the hair is inside. And it won't even defloss. Like, I smelled shit.

I smelled old meat. It was just terrible. Old meat. Oh, my God. And he's not talking about like a meat sandwich. She's talking about like pussy meat. No. No, I'm talking about.

Oh, you're talking about salami? Something. That ham and cheese sandwich. It was terrible. But I sat there like a trooper for six and a half hours getting drilled. Oh. Nothing gives me more anxiety than that than having to be in a dentist chair for more than a cleanup. She was great.

She really was. I only felt two of the needles. And if anybody knows me, you know I'm a bitch when it comes to needles. Put those Novakain needles are no joke. Then I went to acupuncture today. This morning at 9 o'clock. Where did they put the needles? Everywhere to clean all that shit out of me.

But don't you have to lay down for that? Yeah. So you're okay laying down for that? Yeah. Because you know you're not going to get. Yeah, he's very good. Yeah. Yeah, he's very good.

And before him, I had her for close to 10 years. Wow. I was with Dr. Amy for close to 10. 2006 to maybe two years ago. Is this the acupuncture or the dentist? Yes. And you've been doing acupuncture for 10 years? Since 2006.

Damn. A year before the cocaine. Before I quit cocaine. And it was funny because she would put stitches in my ear. There's a click you could put in your ear to help you with addiction. And I would say, let's see if it works. And I would snort Coke to see when it would fly off. And after about a gram, the thing would just go,

it would just fly. off because it's not going to work. She would fucking try to heal me with the cocaine, with the acupuncture and I would go right. Tuesdays was my big night. So you get acupuncture on the Tuesday morning and then you go to blow Tuesday night.

Tuesday was my big night. That was my big night. Monday was like an off night. I was like a gram just to get the blood going. Nobody gets their feelings hurt. Tuesday nights when we went deep into the murky waters. Wednesday you take a little night off. Ain't nothing going on.

and you hit it hard. Thursday, you gear up for the weekend. Oh, and let's say I was going to a town, like to work, to open up for Joe or something. Oh, it'd be waiting for me at the club when I got that. I've never, ever, ever done it. Joe would get off stage and go, where's Joey Diaz? You ain't that stupid, are you?

Ask them, I would leave. Pee-o, you'd call me a thousand times. That phone wasn't going to pick up, and you could knock on my door. I'm not answering. You won't hear a peep in there. I'm in the tub. I'm in the tub hiding, jerking off.

Doing lines. Oh, I go in the tub. I was like Whitney here. I would get coked up and go in a tub like Whitney Houston. Oh shit. Too soon. Show me the seats. Fucking hysterical.

This shit I would do. People be pounding on the door. Would there be water in it or you'd just be sitting in the tub? Sometimes they'd be water. Sometimes they wouldn't be. Oh, my God. No, I love taking showers when I was coked out. I loved it.

I would just sit in hot water. Didn't you used to lay and just let it run on you? I still do. I still do. That's why I work Vegas. Because when you get work Vegas, they always give you the big room. Nice bathrooms.

With the big shower. Like a sweet. In the morning, you have some coffee, do a couple of vapor pen loads, and you go right in there and sit there for 45 minutes. Do you shit before like a gentleman? Yeah, I shit before.

You clean the asshole good. And you bang one out. You relax a little while you think. Like once you get in there, you bang a good one out, right on the little chair they give you. You have to put a towel on it and not your pimper.

Your ass gets pimper. They always give you that little stump with a water on it. I don't get, though. In Vegas, you never get that in the shower. I never got the stool. It's a little stool. It's not even like a stool. It's built into the wall with tile.

Okay, yeah, yeah. It's like a little corner. It's no good for you. I shave my leg on that. Yeah, you put your leg up. So small. I sit on it like a, like an orphan. Yeah, like an orphan.

I just sit there singing an Italian songs like Vito and Godfather too. Like retarded Vito when he was young in the beginning. And he's singing little concertinas. So I would just go, I'll go in a shower for fucking an hour and just sit there. And I'll bang two good ones out. I'll bang the first ones that thick cum. The one that slips, like if you stand up, you'll slip on it. You shit, it's slippery.

I've never, myself. I mean, I've seen it. I know you've been banged in the shower. Yeah. Okay. It's the worst. It's the worst. And they can't get their footing.

I'm too short. Because girls have to go on. It ruins our lubrication. Yeah, girls have to go on their tippy toes. You can't get us wet. If you're going to bang us in the shower, don't allow our pussies to get wet. You got to keep the water away from us. Really?

Really? Yeah, it ruins our lubricant. Yeah. It deteriorates. I was an asshole once. I got one of those hotel rooms with the hot tub in it. Oh, no, no, no, no. Yeast infections, UTIs, like it's in theory. He got it in the tub. Yeah. He came when he got a tub with his little runaway.

No, no, no. And he came back. What was in the fucking mass ward down? Who's the runaway, Lee? Who's the fucking mask down to talk? The runaway, the Mexican brunt. He took it to a tub up in fucking Palo's road days. he came back with pink eye and a rash on his head.

Ew! Lee! I was in Big Bear. I thought you could go to a hot tub. I never went to a hot tub where it was bad before. God, all Big Bear Hot Top. What is what I'm talking about? Now you know why it's sprayed.

He wasn't a bad thud. It's like five years ago. It's still. That bottle never ends. I know. Jesus, I think it should be done by now. And I got one over here. What does that say?

Come on it? Oseum. Oseum. Jesus. And then I got this one here. This is heavy duty. Oh, God, don't spray that. This is what you're spraying your snatch.

Oh. The homeless people get here. What? This has a little droplets. Why are you aiming it at me? Because everybody got problems. You know what I'm saying? Everybody got problems.

Jesse Mae. Jesus Christ. Jessica Christ. Jessica, I want to say that you have grown to become one of my favorite ladies in this town. Aw. I love you very much. I love you too. I think at the beginning of the quarantine, I called you and you and I,

had a conversation that we made each other cry I don't know what it was we were laughing so hard we were fucking I called you yelling and screaming and you were saying oh we were talking about something

that's all of color like off color we were Howard and I'm like thank God some people still have a sense of humor you checked on me more than some of my family yeah I had to check on you because I know you're a single

I didn't know I thought you started a boyfriend but he lived in Oklahoma or whatever the fuck Where, yeah. So he's done? Yeah. You fired him? Yeah, I mean, you know.

Things move on. It's time to start. Things happen and things evolve. The next one's going to be marriage. I feel it. Maybe. I think so. I've never been the girl that's like, I need to get married.

Have you been proposed to? Yeah, once. And you turned them down? Yeah, I was young. I was in my 20s. I had no business even, you know, I didn't know what I wanted. I didn't have myself worth in check and it wasn't right. and he proposed to me

It's so cheesy At the top of the Empire State building But we were like on a breakup Like we were already broken up And he's like I want to take you out I was like okay You know when you do that sort of back and forth thing After you break up

And he's like I think we should get married I'm like are you is that your proposal And he didn't even have a fucking ring I got killed himself on everything No he's fine He has a wife and a child now But you can't ask a bitch to marry you as a, as like a, well, maybe we should get married.

Like, it should be a definitive thing. Like, will you marry me? And there should be a ring. You can't just, like, hand me a cheese doodle and that's going to be okay. I call my wife on the phone. That's, I mean, you can get away with that. You're a unicorn. I just called and so listen, we've been together for nine years.

I think it's time. What do you think? Where were you? I was like driving. I was like, what do you think? And she goes, I guess so. I go, I want to marry. And she was going to give me a.

a ring. I go, I'll go get it right now. We'll go off to work and get it. I got to call your father. I hung up with her. I never even talked. I talked to a fall like maybe twice. I called them. I called them both of them. I go, Mr. Clark, tell Judy to get on the other phone. My future mother-in-law, he's like, what are you talking about? I just proposed to your daughter. I want to marry. Is that okay with you? Because I guess that was it. That's really sweet. We got married on the Wednesday before Thanksgiving on Walshue Boulevard at some little fucking chapel

we had the party at the Hollywood Bowl we told people not to bring gifts to dress like you wanted We got fried chicken from Rouse Pastrami from fucking Langers Langers and something else And we got oh

We got pork from We got pork chunks from Pork Chunks from Pork Chonito Jesus Christ tremendous Pork chunks, is that what you call them? Fried pork chunks with black beans and rice, Cuban stuff.

You do not want me in your household after I've eaten that. You got to taste these pork chunks. Too bad, they're clothes. I'd take you down there right now, you know what I'm saying? Would you ask me to bring a pair of sweatpants? Did you ask your wife to bring a pair of sweatpants or shorts? When? For the wedding.

So you guys go get your toes massaged after that was after? We got married on a Wednesday. How fun is that? It's great. First of all, I hated douchebags. I hated douchebags. I hated douchebags that. I'm getting married

Really? Yeah I know you'll come to Hawaii June 1st and 2nd These destination wedding sons of cunts Listen you and your faggot husband Both these to suck my dick on Hawaii All right I had an invitation once to a wedding

Only in Hollywood Only in Hollywood Some chick gave me an invite New Year's Day in Mexico Oh fuck you New Year's day And I actually called her up Like I was like

Rude That's what I was like, I was still doing Coke. I actually opened up the envelope, and I'm like, and this bitch just got fake tits. Like, I knew her for years. We weren't, we never slept together. We were dear friends, but she's beautiful. She just gets fake tits.

Like, I never saw them without, I saw them what they look in the shirt. And she got some banging fake tits. And four months later, she gets married. I get the invite. And I'm like, New Year's Day. So I call it up. I go, law. not for nothing.

Congratulations. But you're getting married on New Year's Day. That's the day when people are the most poorest. Yeah. And she goes, yeah, but I'm going to make it an event. We want you to come on to 23rd. What the fuck? Oh, you should have heard this shit.

And I'm getting married New Year's Night. It'll be beautiful and all this. We have a resort. It's like 4,300. And I'm like, who the fuck? And I go on number two, you just got fake tits. Go fucking play the field. You'll shake those things.

Put some miles on them. You're going to marry the first fucking guy with those fake tits. Those fake tits could yield you a lot better than what you got. You could get paid. Yeah, you got great fake tits. You're going to get you. You're going to tap after four months. That shit.

That's it. Four months are shaking those tities. No, you need a couple years. What a waste of tits. What a waste of fucking tits. It's like having a rental you don't use or a lease. Yeah, she moved to Mexico. Oh, she doesn't know how to plan.

She needs better planning. Fuck these mother fucking. Destination wedding. I love you, man. I love you, too. I'm happy you made it today. Stay in touch with me, please. Absolutely.

You're one of my favorite people. You're one of my favorite people. You've always kept it real, and I've always appreciated. Anytime anyone's mentioned you, I've always raved about you, because you've always welcomed me into your world, and I feel so fortunate that you've allowed me on your platform and into your life. How's your little gay buddy? Send them my love.

I love that motherfucker. Justin? That's my dog. There's two gay men I love him this time. him and fucking Eric, Eric the Fag. What's his name? Eric Rocha. I love him.

I love him. Justin, I love, because he don't give a fuck if anybody knows he's gay. No. And you better check yourself with Justin because he'll take you to the deep end. You don't play right with Justin.

Justin will capitalize on you. Yeah, that's true. He'll take out that fucking little gay fan. And next thing you know, he's rubbing your back, Lee. Justin don't fuck around. And then you know sticks the pole. One minute you're smoking pot with him.

The next one of he's rubbing your back. It's going to be. be okay. We won't tell nobody. Everybody does it one time. Even Joey. Really? Yeah. I think he got fucked in the ass. No, he didn't. Yeah, he did. He'll tell you whatever. He'll rub your heads. You won't be able to offend him because you'll be deep into your 2,000 milligram edible. Sounds nice. I live in the asshole part. Sounds like a good time. Well, have you ever had it? Asshole? Yeah. No. Well, then you don't know if you'd like it or not. You should have it first and then judge it. I'm taking him up in Milwaukee.

Oh, yeah. Those Dahma fucking little descendants that he left up there. Those motherfuckers that are fucking and eat you. They're going to be walking right into your asshole. Wait until they get a load of you up there. They're going to take it into some closet. Lee, are you with us? I'm trying not to hear these things.

These terrible things. He says, this is my friend. He checks on me at night. But then he's terrible things you're having my assail. You're the worst. You're like, I drive by, check on my boy, Lee. You're going to get fucked in the end. In Milwaukee a cocksucker.

These guys are going to ram their pole right in your ass. Wait until that gay community. They don't fuck around up there. They don't fuck in a nigglu up there. They'll take you right in a guloo with some eskimos. They'll whip him. I drive around and check checkle's alley in the morning. Then your alley's going to get fucked that night.

I check his alley every night because they broke into his fucking. He's the devil and the angel at the same time. That's why he's the greatest. I love you, Jessus. I love you too. All right, I want to thank Jesse May Paluso. Always a fucking honor to have her in here. Two more weeks, cock suckers.

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