The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #816 - Felicia Michaels

Episode Date: August 26, 2020

Felicia Michaels, comedian and co-host of "The Liars Club" podcast, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt LIVE in studio. This podcast is brought to you by:   Stamps.com -  Use code JOEY for a 4 week trial which includes postage and a digital scale. Go to Stamps.com, click on the Radio Microphone at the top of the homepage and type in church.                                                       Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout on your first order.  

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It's Wednesday the 26th of August Kick this fucking Mulee. Oh shit We don't start fucking tele-right No more fucking excuse This is the year of the fucking soldier We're going in like fucking Marines You understand me

Welcome to church motherfucker Shit Wednesday We're down to two more motherfucking podcast We got Felicia Michaels In studio The very beautiful

Felicia Michaels Thank you Mr. Deuce What's happening You fucking sad? Oh, you know, just doing my thing, my pandemic thing. It's been rough, huh? It's been crazy. Yeah, because my kids have been there.

I have a 19, as you know, and a 21-year-old. And so, yeah, that's been, I can I. I know, I know. Trust me, I know. Oh, my God. And at the beginning of it, it was rough making them understand what the fuck is going on. And I kicked my son in the balls. Oh.

I did. Why? What did you? I always told you, 10 years ago, I was telling you that one day, when you have a boy, when you have a son and the dad's not around, usually they get to an age one day because we do it to our dads. Why don't we don't want to do it to our moms? We step into our dads one day. We actually think we could beat our dads out until they just punch you in the neck.

Right. You go down like a little fact that you are. So if boys do that, the men, their fathers, one day they kind of get snippy with their moms. Oh, yeah. And you have no time. There's not. Yeah. If you play that white psychology shit, they're going to kill you.

Yeah, for sure, for sure. So you got to do something extreme. Yeah, you know what? It was fucking freeing. You know what I mean? You pick somebody in the nuts that's been bothering you during the pandemic. That's tremendous. That's tremendous.

You could pay a shrink 10 times if you don't get to something. satisfaction are just kicking somebody really hard in the nuts. It's driving you crazy during a pandemic. And that's what the thing has been like. I've really been worried. I've enjoyed doing the podcast because I know that there's a lot of people right now that never had mental health issues. But this type of living, this type of news gathering, the way it's being thrown at you,

it'll bring fucking, you know, the mind of. whatever down. I don't care who the fuck you are. And that's why I like to take an hour just to come here bullshit, loosen people up a little bit, you know? When I get anxiety now, it's when I answer messages for people. My anxiety

goes away. And I get that 9 o'clock anxiety, I get on the computer. Right. And you get on Patreon, Facebook, and you just start answering people's messages back. That's it. 100%. Because at the beginning of the pandemic, like I went with them for such a long period of time where we weren't around anyone. And it

It got like, you know, like every, like once a month, four weeks in, it's a big cabooy because you're just sitting there, you know, with busy little hands and nothing to do, you know? You know, and the exercise is a big part of it. Yes. Like today, I woke up on the wrong side of the bed. I went to the gym, and while I was at the gym, it came back to me. Like, I was fresh again. I took like a falling off the bike gave me a little bit of a beating yesterday. It was just a rough, a rough day.

How did it happen? I woke up in the middle of the night. You know, we had those tanks we were loading for the pods. And we had one loaded, and, you know, they're talking about stealing. People robbing a lot of shit. So I woke up before, and I fucking went for the piece, and I ran outside like a lunatic. Because I just thought I heard something. I didn't hear shit.

Fuck. That I couldn't fall asleep again. You know, you see. see a lot of weird shit at night. I take a ride every night. Last night was the weirdest. Last night I fucking took a ride at about 9.30 at night. And right down the corner, there was a cat in the middle of the street. I'm like, somebody hit this motherfucker. He was alive as disco. He just wanted to play in the middle of the street. He's trying to get out of the car and walk up to him. He's sick. The cat is sick. I could tell he's sick. He's on his last legs. He was kind of disoriented. So I pushed him to the side of walk, like I would get close to him and he'd move up. And thank God I went in the car. I knew I had a can or something, whether it was cat food, and I had a little can of cat food, and I opened it for it.

Then I went home last night, and I kind of felt guilty. So I got back in the car. Like, after I spoke to you, one of those times, when I told you to call you back? Right. That's why I did. I came back to check on him. The can was still there, but he was gone. Deep?

He ate a little bit, but I saw some shit. I saw a lot of people on SUVs. Like, what are those escalates? A lot of escalades, playing loud music. Like, bass, heavy bass, I saw like three or four in this neighborhood, and that's not good. This ain't this type of neighborhood.

This neighborhood has really changed at night. It's really, really changed. I think everything has changed. Like, I went to Hollywood yesterday, and at, like, 8 o'clock at night, I was driving all through East Hollywood, and there are people, houses on the curb.

You know what I mean? And it's been slowly getting worse, but it looks like, you know, people are getting evicted. People are choosing to leave. People are cutting bait and running. That fucking Sycamore Tavern, when you see

the grass coming out of the street, like the concrete, like the driveway, like grass is starting to grow on their driveway. I go back when that place is Acapulco. I used to remember. It was Acapulco,

or you could eat for lunch, tremendous. Cheese and chalas like a motherfucker. They had one there, and then they also had one. Acapulco was by the Sycamore, and then they also had one. If you stayed on the sunset, you pass a Scientology,

and you make it right, like you go on the Silver Lake, right there where pink-cheats tacos is. That taco place where white people go? You know what you're talking about, Oh my God. They put pickles in their tacos and shit. Yeah, that place.

It's next to that, Acapulco. And that used to be empty. So fat dudes would go up there and tear it up. Me, Ralphie, Keith Tree Ball. We were in Acapulco every fucking day. Was it good, though? Yes. Oh, nice.

It was good enough. Yeah, I was going to say. Come on it. It was a lot better than the fucking. It was a lot better than like the steak place. There was a steak place on the brand. for fucking You mean Sizzler?

Yes Okay Oh my God I used to eat there all the time You got like a $40 check That was like a celebration Speaking of that I know we all live in the valley

Or you used to Have you been up my street Up to like Where the Gold Gym used to be in the Sizzler Yes Gold Gym is gone Sizzler's gone They're living in like the little

Did they close gold Jim? I think so It doesn't look at the signs gone Well, they built them all up there Yeah, a nice one A nice one, but it's become fucking Night of Living Dead up there So I don't know what's gonna happen

Entire blocks I had to go up there, that's where my dentist is Oh shit, okay All the way past that, under the bridge Yeah, it's scary up there. And then on the drive back, I saw that strip club That looks like lonely fucking Because they're stripping, but they're stripping outside

Did you know that? What? Did you know that? No. The strip clothes are? They're open. On a, a,

unblinger ship? No, no, not those disgusting ones. You know, like when a strip club is a strip club. Right.

They're open. The help department has let them open in certain cities. Right. But you got to dance outside. Yeah.

So here you are in your car, driving down a side street and here's fucking some chick doing a table dance. There'd be a lot of fly traps out in the parking lot.

But George is working one. George Perez worked for lunchtime shift. as a DJ. During the day outside? Oh, my God. They got 88 customs yesterday. He goes, that a lot?

He goes, fuck yeah. He goes, people are burning through those unemployment checks at the strip club. Holy shit. I can see Lee's friends are back. He's got two weeks. I got to invite my friends to the last one podcast. Wow. So stripping is like fucking big right now in Orange County.

I'm big on like actually keeping things. closed, but if strip clubs are open, comedy should be open. That's crazy. That's crazy. I still wouldn't go to the strip club. But I'm just saying that strip clubs are getting creative. They are

outside now. There's a chick. Good for those girls, but fuck, man. That's terrible. I know. That's terrible. But those girls need money. You know, those girls have big lives. A lot of them have kids. A lot of them, you know, are going to school. A lot of them, you know,

So I'm not mad at it's funny I watched that Jennifer Lopez movie about stripping It was on one of the pay channels one night And I watched on a plane first It was on a plane I was on a plane one time when it was on Let me see what it was about The Chinese girl was really cute So I kind of kept my attention

Have you seen that movie? No It's hustlers right It's about strippers that fucking just take you down Oh okay yeah Or they just take you fucking down, like the whole thing. Wasn't it based on a real person? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, yeah, yeah. And, you know, it's so funny. Like, they'll rob you. They'll fucking, you know, a good stripper, that's what their job is, to fucking rob you. To promise you, you're going to, he's going to, suck your dick until the juice comes out, but they don't do nothing.

That's the best stripper. The one that tells you, you're going to eat your asshole, and meanwhile, you're giving the 20s, and she's going to meet your Denny's a two, that's the one. The best strippers at the bar spout and bullshit so she doesn't have to do that much dancing.

That's the best stripper. But they were taking like credit card shit. They were like an onto it. They were killing stock market guys. Well, Cardi B came out because she's in that movie and she came out and told people got really mad at her because she was basically drugging people and stealing money from them.

When did you go home with them? If you're a man and you're going to let yourself that happened to you, what are you going to do? I guess. You've got to read, if a girl comes up to you and it's that easy, you got to know there's a by-the-way coming somewhere. There's a locked door somewhere. Nobody just comes up to you and starts talking to you and makes it that easy for you unless there's a by-the-way somewhere. Right. Agreed.

Right when you get them in the cars and they hate you with the by-the-way. You have to be pretty sloppy. at a strip club for a girl to, you know. Rob you. Yeah, and do that. That's being pretty sloppy. Oh. Have you ever had anything like that happen?

I've been to, I've, I've been three times, twice with George. And it was fun with George because George is the king of that strip club, and they all love him, so they're nice to me. But that's, like, that's part of the reason why I never went. It just, it just felt weird. I was like, this isn't a real, I'm just paying to get a boner. Like, I don't know. It never really made sense to me. I'm just getting paid to get frustrated.

I don't know what the point. It was great. They're fun and they're beautiful and it's fun. If I was rich, if I, like, didn't care about $500, bucks, I could see myself going once a month. But I'm still at a point where it's like, why am I spending $300 bucks here? Right.

It's, uh, I'm not, I'm not at that point. Yeah, but it's fun. I can see it being... The one thing I still don't understand is, like, going with a bunch of guy friends and hanging out with them. Like, when George was there, I'd see him and I'd see his buddies,

but we'd split up. And, like... Like the real perverts that you are? Yeah, I can't... I don't understand going to Vegas. Like, I've been to Vegas ten times. I've never once been... I can't imagine being at a table with all my other guy,

but he's having... All of us having boners just sitting there uncomfortable. It's just... That part doesn't sound like fun of me. Yeah, take your corners. It's crazy. I'm like, I think I start out a strip club guy. You know, I started out a peep show guy.

Like my first sexist's crazy. Like an old school peep show. Yeah, when you're 14, 13 in New York City, you go to the peep shows, you know, and you see people fucking in front of you. Wait, do you mean movies or do you mean like actually fucking fucking? Oh, good Lord. And it's, you know, looking back at it, you. laugh, but it is the most

disgusting experience that you could ever do as a man. To walk into a closet, watch two people fuck, pull your dick out, jerk off, you open the door and there's a little fucking Spanish guy with a mop

in a bucket. I think you're... He goes in, he wipes up your jizz, and he puts it in a bucket, fill the other abortions. Because that's And it was just horrible. Like when you're 13, you play hooky, you go at 10 in the morning.

Right. And you walk out and you're like, wow, what the fuck did we just see? You know, and you're happy because at 13, you saw a pussy and pits. But when you realize it, you're just looking at a train wreck. She's just a train wreck. Like they would just, and I didn't realize until I was older. Like when I was in my 30s, I would get off the bus. right there and Board Authority.

And in those days, for breakfast, breakfast was what it was. You know, and for me, it was that hot dog stand right by Times Square, right by fucking Port Authority on the corner. Not Grace, Papaya. No, no, it was a hot dog stand that had

kebabs. Two-dollar kebabs. I'd get two fucking kebabs for breakfast. But I'd watch Peep World. The name of it was Peep World. Do you remember that the Laugh factory opened up a club? Right, right.

It was called Peep World. And I would sit there and eat the fucking kebabs at 8.15 in the morning. I wouldn't have to be at work till 9.15. They wouldn't say nothing to me. And you know what was the majority of the people going in there? Acidic Jews, the acedes would go in there and not make eye contact with you. And then I would go, let me go. Let me go. Just go. One day I said, let me just go see what's called out there. And it's like going to the circus. You walk in

There's a guy with a bag with tokens. Oh, no, absolutely. It's very social. Oh, yeah. It's a guy with tokens, and you give him $5,000, and he gives you fucking tokens. And then you walk into the back, you could smell like chlorine. Yeah. It's like sperm, chlorine. Yeah, exactly.

And you see, men are walking around, but nobody's really making eye contact, because you're not supposed to be there. Yeah. Okay. What are they walking around for? Because they're looking to see what booth is open. There's different corners. There's different chicks. Like Felicia made a movie.

Yeah, Perfs, which Joey was in, and you can get in on Amazon. But it was done in the peep show, the last working peep show in Los Angeles. Right over there. And that smell is dirty mop water, bleach and sperm. And sperm kind of to me has like a bloody Mary kind of smell to it, right? I fucking just nailed the smell of sperm. Isn't there a Korean California that smells like sperm? I don't know.

Every once in a while, I'll be walking out. I'll just smell sperm outside. Maybe I'm crazy. I don't know where to fuck. You're walking. Unbelievable. Did you ever go? Smell scrimmed when you walk.

I'm telling you, all the gay signs are coming out. A movie theater? Like, that's what I'm glad I didn't have to go to. I went to a triple X movie. There was one on Sunday nights in Jersey. And one night, my buddy's like, yeah, let's go to this triple nights. We were just seen these in high school. Like six of us went.

and when you go in the bathroom that's when the party it would start like two guys would follow you in and they would be so perverted that they would walk over to you and try to look at your dick while you were pissing and then when you call them they look away I'd like to just say like

you know I was stripper we all know that when I was 18 but I remember like I really need the fucking money and it was like this contest and I didn't give a fuck and no one had ever taught no man had ever had a conversation with me

other than trying to get some, right? And I remember being on stage and I was dancing and there was a guy I looked down and he's like jerking off. And let me tell you, it was fucking powerful. It was powerful. It was like, yeah, fuck these people. Powerful.

When you get to that point where you have to do something like that where you know what I mean, it's fucking I've jerked off outside in the car. It's not a sad moment. It's not a sad moment. When I'm coming down off Coke, I've jerked off in a car when I lived in my car. I'm not going to lie to you about that.

But to take your dick out and just whack off at a girl, I've never done that. That's the craziest fucking day in the world. That's the craziest most, just to take your dick out. Like, to Louis C.K., somebody that kills me. Like, I don't get that whole thing until this day. But that was his twist. That was the twist that made him. brilliant.

You follow me? There's people, certain people like certain deep, dark shit, you know? Yeah. That was the twist. Because if nobody ever accused him a rape, nothing like that. Nobody said he was a bad guy. This thing was to whack off while he was talking to you on the phone or to ask you if he could whack off in front of you. How do you find out that's your thing about?

I guess. It just... Right as you're asking the first girl, can I whack off in front of you? Ding. That's my thing. Listen, man, you see things as a child, and they make you react differently, and, you know, something could have happened.

There's more to this story that we'll never know. And how long do you know him? He's a sweetheart of a guy. He gave me two jobs. I can never talk bad about Louis. I'm just talking about, I'm not talking bad about Louis. I'm talking about the psychology of what. I knew a girl.

I knew a girl. I had a dear friend that when you should, saw her, you couldn't believe it. You were like, okay, this girl's pretty nice. She always was in the hunt for a boyfriend. But I heard years later, when she'd go on the road, she would have

threesomes. And then, you know, guys would run trains with the headliner in the feature. You know, I heard that years later. That was her thing. When you look at it, why would she do that? That was her thing.

If I was a female comic, I wouldn't sleep with comics. But I would go on the road and work like a male comic and get myself a piece of pussy, work them dry, and then throw them out in the morning. Like, I fucking, you know. Because a man can't throw a woman out in the morning,

but a woman can throw a man out in the morning. You never threw a woman out? No. I got my boss to tell somebody to leave. Have you seen my dick? No, I think so. Thankfully, I have my have. If you suck my dick, if you suck my dick, you're doing me

great faith. I don't have the balls tell you to fucking leave. But you've just left, though. Oh yeah, you leave because it's time to go. Okay. But you can't, as a woman, I've had honestly, honestly, I've had like, when

I was younger, I had like three women that dismissed me. It's a horrible, it's a horrible feeling. What was it like to be dismissed? Like, what was the move? Did they have similar? moves when they dismissed you? One chick I was in love

with, not really in love with. I was in love with a pussy. I was 20. I was 20 and she was 29. Big difference. Right. Oh, fuck, she dismissed you. Oh, my God, it was horrible. She used a sponge back then.

Oh. Okay. The worst. We were friends. We were neighbors. And I never, ever intruded on her, never spoke sexually to her. I was a 20-year-old kid. I didn't know how to treat it. I just thought she was hot.

She had that... What's the mom from married with children? Katie Segal? She had that Katie Segal type thing. When Katie Segal was younger, like when I first saw Katie Segal, I was like, oh my God, it looks like. I don't even remember what the girl's name now.

She had a sister. And I kind of had a crush on the sister because I saw the sister one day watching TV and she had shorts on. And I could tell her pussy She was hairy as fuck. I could see the hair. She left the leg open so you could see the bush come out.

And I was like, this sister's fucking hot. And the sister was about 25. But the one that was 29 was also hot. So she cut hair, and she worked at a wine store at night. She cut hair in the daytime. And then from the barbershop, she went to a wine store, but she was a general manager. She was like a whiny chick, like she knew all about wines and stuff.

There's my first girlfriend in Colorado. We moved next to each other. We lived next to each other April, May, and June. And one day in June, she's cut in my hair. Right? And we're talking about something. And she goes, you know what's been crazy to me that you and none of your friends

have ever hit on any of us? And I go, you know what? We're all from the same town and we're all raised the same. You're our neighbors. We don't see the... We don't want to bring drama to the house. And she goes, it would have felt a little better

before you left or something to that effect that one of years would at least hit on us at one time because it was a great place to live. It was called Maroon.

It was, oh my God, it was in Besort, Colorado, you know, 83, and it was like a side, it was condos, and they were all built going up the hill. Right.

But nobody locked their doors. Everybody had a screen door. dog was outside, you know, it was a mile from the road, so you had to make it right onto the property, drive a mile, and then all these houses were there next to each other, everybody's house was open. The guy that lived next to me

was an ex-Green Bay, Cleveland Brown. Big motherfucker. He used to drink every day, come over, bring his drinks. Hey, I'm a brand new, young-eyed, get criminal, but taking a little breather at the time. I had a little money for the way.

I was taking a little breathing. I didn't want to rob any of those apartments because they would have pegged on me. My buddies would have pegged on me. So I didn't do anything. I behaved myself like a gentleman. So one day, this girl's cut in my hand and she's just like poking me. Like, what's the problem? Are you guys gay? Like, none of the years that I've ever tried nothing? And I go, so what do you want me to tell you? And she goes, uh, what are you think of me? And I go, honestly, I think you're fucking out of the hell. I think you got a great fucking ass. And, you know? I told the truth.

You want me to tell you? And she told me, she goes, when do you move out? And I go July 2nd first. And she goes, we have a date July 2nd. She goes, I got to rule out. I don't fuck my name does either. So I said, okay. So I moved in with my roommate that was living next to me.

You know, it was four guys from North Bergen. My roommate's name was Jimmy Berkel. God rest his soul. He died years later. I still miss him. I haven't taken his. number out of my phone. He was my brother and we lived together. I never really told him that I dated, that I was going to date this girl. So seriously, I moved July 1st and July 2nd, she came up. He went away with his girlfriend and left me in the house. I had just moved there. So July 1st was like a Friday night and they took me out to Aspen. We went out to Aspen because it was right next to all the before. I talked me to the bus.

And I blacked out. I got fucking hammered. I did blow. And I remember I didn't know an apartment building to go to. And I knocked in a guy's door and he opened. And I'm like, do I live here?

And he's like, nah. I know it's 12. I live in apartment 12. This apartment 12. He goes, maybe you're up. And he ended walking me up to D12, where I lived. The guy's name was Bergey.

He was in Pittsburgh. And I ended up becoming friends with him. Do I live here? Do I live here? He's like, nah, get out to find. But he was a nice guy. Right. He walked me.

I went home. That was like the weirdest weekend in my life. That Tuesday, that Saturday morning, I had to go into town to Aspen to buy like CDs or something. I was buying, like a new CD. There was a CD store that was next to the wine store. That girl worked. Oh, okay. So I went into the wine store and I go, what's going on?

Where's our date? and she goes, I get out of here about five, I was going to come up to your apartment in Snowmast Village. I'm like, oh, like, this is real. Like, I didn't think you're 29, I'm 20. Right. Like, this is real. Like, I'm like, what happened to her?

Like, I was joke. I went, what happened to our date? And she goes, I was just getting, I was just about to call you. I'm going to come over. And after I get out. So I fucking ran down to the thing. I was waiting there to take a bus. And there was a hitching post.

There's a hitching post. There's a hitching. post so I hitchhike and the guy told me he goes I can't give you a ride up to Snowman's village I could only give you a ride to the bottom of the village then cross 82 and hitchhike up

to Snowman's village I go fine I don't know who the guy was which is that's how life was that you would get into a person's car they had a bench and asking with a sign that had this on it like and it was and this meant I'm only going a little way people were that nice

that they beep they can go leave I'm going this far. Well, some people go, come on, get in, where are you going? Glenwood Springs. Glenwood Springs was the farthest. You had basalt, you had Snowmass Village. Some people went up the hill to go to the village.

Some people would drop you off at the bottom and you had to walk across. Now, look it up. Route 82, one of the most dangerous fucking roads in the country. Oh, yeah. Once November hits, oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. That's why you don't go out when you're living in a snowmash, because people

killed all the time on 82. But in the summer it's a little different. In the summer it's a little different. So I cross the street, I go across the street, I'm standing there with my thumb out. And you don't even have to stand with your thumb out. People will pull over.

And one of those jeeps pulls up with the eagle in front of it on the hood. You remember which one time? It was convertible, but he had the top on. I walked to the car because he went by me and he stopped. So I had to run up. to the car. I was a little, you know, it's my, it's 12,000 feet, you know, it's a little higher

than Bissault. And I was kind of huffing and puffing. I was in great shape. Yeah. But I remember walking it, I didn't even look at the guy. I said, thank you. When I looked, it was John motherfucking Denver, Jack. You shut the fuck up. Yes, it was. Yes, it was. Oh, my God. You're not John Devin. He goes, yes, I am. How are you doing? Because I'm going up to do my annual Fourth of July thing. Wow. Wow. He goes, come on, I'll give you a ride. And he gave me a ride to the supermarket. I showed. shook his hand, we talked, and then I ran home, I went to the supermarket, bought some shit, I went home, we basically had a TV with a milk crate on top of it.

We had, like, a homemade couch with another milk crate, with a board, a piece of wood, and then we had the two bedrooms. My bedroom was just a sheet and a pillow. Did you call it a homemade couch or was your milk cart on wood? Jimmy Berkel made, put this fucking thing together. of something, pillows and shit. And there was one channel. It was Aspen Channel 2.

And the only movie they played was fucking a Charles Bronson movie. Because they knew when Charles Bronson was up there. So they would replay his movies over and over because Charles liked his movies on TV. You think I'm fucking lying to you. There was one channel Lee, Aspen 2, until we got cable.

How many times did you watch that Charles Brown? Mr. Majestic was the movie that was on all fucking weekend. And then she came over. She called and said she was, what was the address? I told the D-12. She came right in and she goes, let's, you know, again, guys, I'm from New York City, you know. I don't know nothing. She was a white chick and she's like, what are we doing inside?

You know, don't you have a lawn? And I'm like, yeah. She goes, let's go off the lawn. Yeah, you don't want to fuck around milk carton furniture. Yeah. I know what I mean. But my lawn was a shed lawn. There were other condos on the bottom floor

So we just went out there with a sheet I'd never seen that She put like a blanket out And she brought wine And brie cheese I know what's the American cheese I'm like What's the Mozarelle

And she's like American cheese I never And apples I had never in my life Seen that before That is hilarious I'm like what is this

And she's like you put some of the brie on the apple And I'm like Oh this fucking check is crazy already. This chick is crazy. This chick is crazy. I don't know about this shit. But it was good.

And then we just went inside. It was natural. We just made love. We went into the shower. You made love? I think he gave it like three stabbing's that day. And it was so fucking good that. She dismissed you?

No, no, no, no. Okay. Okay. Let me tell how good the pussy was. Let me tell how good the pussy was. So I gave her stabbing that Saturday afternoon. and she left Saturday afternoon and slept to the house. And I was at that age where the pussy was so good

that I kept jerking off because the pussy was so good. I couldn't take it to the next time. And she's like, just call me whenever you want to see me. I'm like, guess what? I want to see you again tomorrow. So I woke up at that morning. I couldn't take it no more. I was jerking off all morning.

I finally called me. I called. I'm like, I'm coming down. And she goes, come down. I was going to cook. I went back down and it was all day. all night. I remember one night we stayed up all night,

fuck, and we do a little bit of Coke, and she wouldn't shave her pussy. She was older, and she was just beautiful. She had an Italian look to her. So this went on. This just went on for like four months, where the first month was heavy-duty sex, but after that it was just,

I'll call you what I want to give you a stabbing. And then that went on for about two months, and then it started getting a little serious. Like she's like, I want you to meet my friends, and I'm like, I don't want to meet nobody. Like, I don't want to meet nobody. Right. And then one day I went down there to a house or something, and we messed around,

and she wanted me to go to see the Rocky Hara picture show. Oh, yeah. And in those days, that was not going to happen. And she would get dressed up. Her and her friends would get dressed up and sing the songs and shit. It was a little too much for me. I was straight out of Jersey right then. And I remember selling, listen, you got two options tonight.

You could come over to the house and I could give you a stabbing, or I'm going to go see trading places. Trading places had just come out. It was like October, November of 83. We messed around for that long. And all of a sudden, she said to me, I'm not going to see trading places. And I go, what do you mean?

And she goes, I'm not going to see trading places. You have to come. me when she says you have to come with me I looked at I'm like I'm not going and she goes well you might as well just leave and that was it I never spoke to her again what sandy was in name yeah come on sandy yeah but that wasn't her dismissing you she dismissed me right there yeah I thought I thought dismissing meant more like you know just through you to the side oh no the way you're saying it it's like you were fucking if you don't meet a girl's friends when I First moved here, I met a girl one night, took me home, we did everything,

and the next morning she looked me straight in the face, and she goes, I hope you're not expecting breakfast, you can leave you. Oh, yeah. More of those stories. She wasn't, like, once the alcohol wore her off, and she looked at me in the light, she was like, there's no breakfast here. You could go. And I remember leaving there, like, it was down by, like, Third Avenue.

Right. I knew you were a lot. I had to take, like, a cab. I didn't know what I was. like on a Monday morning. Like, I've been dismissed. Yeah, do you feel bad as a guy when you get dismissed? Horrible.

How would you feel? Yeah. You know, especially if you ate her ass and a pussy, you did everything that was expected of you. Okay. You know? Really, I had it happen once and I was kind of happy. It was like a girl that we had just only had, we hooked up like two or three times. And it was like the last time.

And we finished. She's like, you know, if you're not going to sleep over, you don't really have to cuddle. Like, you could just leave. And I left. I was just like 45 minutes. See, that's being dismissed. I was told me. No, she dismissed me.

And it's a terrible feeling. Yeah, for sure. Like, it's a fucking horrible feeling, you know, so you think the other way, how can you say that to somebody? Right. Especially after you smell my balls. How can I fucking just dismiss you?

You know what I'm saying? I can't dismiss you. I got at least take you for breakfast to bring you back to normal, you know, something. But no, it's a horrible feeling. You know, it's a fucking terrible feeling. But it happens. It happens.

Who gives a fuck? I wonder what Sandy's doing now. I still think about it. I just remember her name just now. That was like the weirdest. I had two weird relationships like that. I had another one where I met a girl. I sold her a car.

She brought her boyfriend and I'm like, this cannot be happening. This good looking broad cannot be dating this fucking month. She didn't know that. She was at 12. Right. She had no idea. She had a body for days, that she was a 12.

well, she dressed down, she was one of those bitches that didn't really show the goods, but she just had the goods. And I remember selling her car going, I'm going to fuck this chick. Like, there's no two ways about it. Look at this fucking guy for a boyfriend. She should be ashamed of herself. Her father never talked to her. I mean, the guy was a half of a fucking man.

And I called her three days later just to check up on, how's the car running? Bub, blah, blah, blah, blah. What's going on? And I would call every late 10 days. how's the car running? And she goes, are you asking me for something? Let's go on a date. She wanted a date.

We had a couple of drinks. She didn't drink because she was a rehab counselor. Oh, okay. Oh. So, like, the first time I met, I had a couple bumps in me. She had a downplay, and I'm like, oh. And, like, two days later, she told me she broke up with the guy. Because I couldn't deal with him no more.

He was my college boyfriend. And then we just went on full straight on. We even got in the car and drove to Colorado. Colorado together. Got all the way to Colorado. Weren't you in Colorado? Huh? Weren't you in Colorado? No, I was in Jersey.

I met her in... You were selling cars in Jersey? Inglewood Cliffs, New Jersey. Is that who you came to Colorado with the first time? That's why I came to Colorado. Not the first time. The second time in 93. Yeah.

We drove out like three days in a Jeep and she got an apartment. I had $0.00. I had like $11,00. So she goes, you could stay here until you get your own apartment. I moved in with my cousin. because she was a drug counselor. Yeah. So she was by the book.

She didn't know. But I would go over there, get evil, like, you know, eat a monkey and then do a couple of lines on myself in the bedroom and get evil and get hard ons and shit. And she was just a nice girl. One day she told me, she goes, I know you're getting high. Don't come here anymore. And she opened the door and said, get out. And I got out. Did you feel as bad that time as the other time?

I never felt. you feel bad, listen, you feel bad, but there comes a point when you're a young, like, by the age of 24 as a man, you either met your girlfriend that you're going to marry or you're on a slinging dick cycle. Okay. And what that means is you've got to kiss a lot of frogs to get to your prince. Right. Okay. And it's, I think it's hard.

It was one of the things I remember. regret it the most about my life. Like, I could tell you I had great times, but those women that, you know, how can we, what's the best way to put it without hurting anybody's feelings? Just our interactions, like today as a man, I look at my daughter and I feel those interactions.

Like, they went nowhere. Like, you know what I'm saying? Like, we did dirty things, and it went nowhere. So I feel bad for them, for me, you know, Like, there was like 20 or 30 of them that, you know, I was single from, I was single from, you know, I don't know, 91 to fucking 95. Uh-huh. What single mean?

Single means you're getting pussy. Right. It's just none of it sticking around. They got other agendas too. Yeah, absolutely. So from 91 to 95, I was dating drug girls. Girls who did drugs, they did coke, they come over at two. Can I come over with my girlfriend?

Fuck no. That's four noses. You know what I'm saying? That's four noses? It's all I mean is one blowjob. You know what I'm saying? I don't need four fucking people over here starting my coat. And it was kind of ugly.

Like I looked back at it. Like some of them I still remember who they are. And I looked them up and they're married and they got kids. The dirtiest one is like, the president of the PTA. Right. Oh, I'm sure, I'm sure. Because I still talk to her parents.

I was tight with her parents and stuff. And we used to do some dirty things on Sunday nights. And now I sit here, me and her had a Sunday night relationship. She had a boyfriend. She'd break up with him every Saturday. Right. And she'd go back with him on Tuesday. It was fucking disgusting.

That's a genius move, by the way. It's disgusting. It was such disgusting. So I look at all those relationships that didn't matter, and I'm like, what the fuck? know? Yeah. Like, how bad was that?

Like, that's what I look at bad stuff. Like, I'm like, I feel so bad I wasted their time. I don't think you should think of it as wasting their time. Although there is a building whenever I drive by it in West Hollywood where I shudder because I had a Coke-fueled night there once that was not correct. Still to this day, even my kids were little in the car. I'd drive by it like, ooh. It's about 1988.

89 you know what I mean so but but it's something I had to go through and move on so I don't think you should feel bad at all you know I do it's weird like you do you know I used to think like how can I work with this girl again like how can I so then I made a rule not to like sleep with people that were close to you that's a bad rule like if you have to be around every day right that's always bad you know or get it out of the way But it's just crazy that I still think of all those getting dismissed. Like, that still hurts.

It doesn't hurt you. It's just part of the game. You know you're going through... You're going through Broads. That's the way to put it. If Sinatra was here, that's what he'd say to you. You're going through Broads. The same way broads grow through men.

Yeah. They go through. They go through. You know? It doesn't mean she's a slut or he's a whore. you just meet 20 people that you just don't really take it to the next level with it. Right. Until some people sex isn't intimate.

You know what I mean? What do you mean? Like there's making love and there's fucking someone. To some people it's not intimate. You could fuck someone for a long time and it might not be intimate. You know what I mean? And it's a lot about like this space. Like Joey always makes fun of me for a girl in my milk.

shake. There was a girl who I was with after Paula for three or four months. I should have if I had met her a different time, we might have dated and actually done stuff, like actually been a couple. But right after, I was right after a relationship. And I couldn't, the thought of going out to eat dinner with somebody, like, I was cringing. I couldn't do it. And so we ended breaking up because she, she caught feelings after a while. But, like, I don't know, but what headspace you're in, too, I think. Well, what I'm talking about, no, I hear what you're saying, but what I'm talking about, like, I was engaged after I got divorced to this guy, and he was like a reformed kink. You know what I mean? Like, he had a bag of goodies in his closet, you know, and he'd be like, you know, I really want to tie you up. But sex was never, there was never eye contact in the most as part of pleasuring another person. It was very, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, And he even asked me to marry him, but that was one of the decisions why, you know, I didn't marry him because I said to him one day, because it started to make me feel like I had no value.

Because the thing is, too, if you're with someone who's a kink, you have to escalate that shit. You can't just be like, I'm going to tie your left foot up, like more than one or two times. And you've got to be like, well, let me try an arm too with that left foot. You know, you have to escalate the thing about it, you know. And that's So I do think It's not always where you heard a girl's feelings When you're,

because it's going the other way direction too Does that make sense? Yeah You know what? One time in Boulder I went against my fucking My instinct I messed around with a Spanish product

She was a hot little Mexican chick That her father owned the taco stand And we used to eat at And her and I used to, like, flirt. And then one day her brother threw me the number to the house, and I called the house, and she answered. We started talking, and her and I, like, with, I don't know. And I remember we dated, like, she was really cute.

But she came to my house the first three or four times. And then one night she goes, I live at my parents' house part-time. But I have a roommate. I have an apartment with a roommate when I go to school. Because she went to school in Colorado Springs, something crazy. So we had been together maybe two or three times, and it was pretty good. It was drug-fueled and the whole thing.

But every time before she would come, she would always, like, say, I'm going to mount you tonight. Like, it was always like she threatened me, you know what I'm saying? Like, I'm going to get on top of you tonight. like shit like that. And the third time she said something to me. And then we talked in between. There was like a week where she was busy with school. And I remember calling and going,

so when am I going to see you again? Because my car wouldn't have made it to fucking Denver in those days. I had a car that was a piece of shit. The door had a bungee cord. I had to connect a bungee cord. Like if I was driving and I hit the bungee cord, I'd die. The thing would just wrap around my neck. You know how many times that thing almost took my eye out?

Oh, my God. So I couldn't really drive a long distance. It was a car to drive, you know, just around the neighborhood. And I said to her, she goes, wait, you come to my place, and I'm going to tie up. You're going to love the whips and shit. Never call her again. Oh, God, I know. Never called her again.

Yeah. Yeah, I know, yeah. Like, she was talking about, talking with my ass and all this shit and whips and chains. You could have just been like, no, thank you? I said, I'll call you next week. I'll call you in a few hours. still waiting for the call she's still waiting for the call

yeah she wanted a strap-a-dil-do her ex-boyfriend liked it yeah you should try it I'm like I don't think I'd really be into it I'm telling you one time I'll fuck you love it and she just So she wanted to spank you

right She wanted to fuck me in the ass with a fucking strap on right and she was a beautiful girl I just could not There was no way that was happening I don't personally

Like I did it because I was like okay, I mean, I'm just divorced. Why not? Right? And then, but then after a while, you're like, well, he's just fucking me up against this mirror beating the shit out of me. You know what I mean? Like, I'm like, you know, like, and I'll let, you know, and I'd be like, can you like just give me eye contact every third time?

You know what I mean? But I could never understand the kink of it. That's because it's not my kink. Like he would, his thing is like he would want to tie my left foot to, because he had a four poster bed, the giveaway, right? If a grown man has a four-poster bed, get the fuck out, right? So he would like tied my leg up. And the whole time we were having sex, I remember this the first time we did it,

I kept thinking like it was such a turn-on to him. And I kept thinking, God, if he just would untie my leg, I could throw some more fucking torque this way. You know what I mean? Because I was just like, it wasn't a turn-on to me. You know what I mean? Yeah, once you take it to that different place, like I have friends that have cakes. Right.

Like, I have one dear friend who has tremendous kinks, and when he tells me about him, I die of laughter. Like, what is his weirdest king? Like a mask with a zipper and putting balls in your mouth and tying you up, that leather and all that shit and doing drugs. I mean, he goes all the way, and chicks go all the way with him. Yeah. And nobody's ever accused him a rape. I know 20 women that have dated him and they've all left on. Great turns.

I see the women that he's dated in Hollywood. I just shake my head because I know at one time my boy had him tied up with a ball in the mouth. I see him on TV and I'm like, my boy tied that bitch up to death. You know. So my favorite ones are the ones that like go buy rope at the hardware store and they're like, yeah, you want to. No, motherfucker muggler. I had a horrible problem.

I had a relationship with a girl that I loved dealing. fell in love with it. The pussy was that good. But her kink was getting beat up. Oh, yeah. Yeah. And I couldn't. It was just terrible. But the shit that came out of her mouth was, you know, like it was just crazy. Like the choking

and all that. Yeah. Once you start getting into choking, you lose me. Oh, yeah. That's where you lose me. If I got a choking for you to get off, the craziest thing I did, there was a girl that I really liked, and for her to come, you had to come on her face. so you had to come on her face

let it drip and then fuck her and she could come then there was another where I did it some dirty boulder was a fucking nightmare there was a chicken boulder

that only let me eat a pussy when she took sleeping pills that's the only way she could come and her it wasn't Xanax it was Valiums to the ones with the Vs she took like 20 milligrams

you don't know how many times I ate a pussy and I'd be like what's going on and she'd be passing that. And she'd come and nod. She'd squirt and

pass the fucking... See, that's how I would like to dismiss people. I know. That's a good way I'd dismiss it. I can just get my shit and leave. Oh, my God. I remember the first time I ever came across someone that was a kink and it was when I was 18 years old and I was a stripper at the peppermint lounge

in Colorado Springs, Colorado. And there was this guy that would come in. He was probably like 40, I would guess, right now. And he was a helicopter pilot for the oil companies, right? And he looked like a helicopter pilot from the oil company. He's very handsome, right? Older guy, right? So then we're

like blah, blah, blah, blah. He comes over to my place. And I literally 18 and a half years old or something like that. He's like, yeah, there's rubber bands in my pocket, take a rubber band out. I'd be like, what? He's like, just trust me, take a rubber band out.

Oh, my God. Okay. I take the rubber band. He's like, all right, I just want you to listen to me. I want you to take that rubber band. And I want you to put it around my balls. Both balls tight. Maybe do it twice. Three times a loop, okay?

And I'd be like, what? I don't know. That's kind of weird. He'd be like, okay, I'm going to show you the first time. And he took the rubber band. He put it around his balls. Like, right? It looked like, you know. Trying to know if we reuse them. I've got new rubber bands every time.

The craziest thing I do is, I'm on circumcise. So if I jerk off, I hold the tip, and I'll just sit there for like a minute and get my oxygen to me and let the skin fill up

with all the sperm. And then I go to the toilet, I just bloop. And it actually sounds like that it goes, bloop. It just comes out of my dick. It hits the toilet.

It looks like an oil spill for like two minutes. It looks like the Exxon Valdez. Right, a little fucking oil. I flush that motherfucker right here. I hear, are you la me? Are you a me? Spanish.

A little Spanish. Help me. Help me. That little Spanish sperm. Right. Where does it feel like you're sitting there holding your, like the tips? I just sit there sometimes and think about the whole situation, how embarrassed I am. Yeah.

I'm such and such, you, whatever, because I've been doing this since I was like 20. I finally realized, what's the rush? I'm not going to come in my shorts. I'm not going to come in the bed and lay on it. But if I just take the force and hold it together, it just fills up. I just let it feel up like a water balloon. That's not a bad idea to fucking whack off on the balcony

and see people walking underneath and let the balloon loose That's a terrible idea! Well, anyway, let me finish it because I started it. So he has his two little smugglers, right? And it's all tight, and then he goes, he goes, he goes, yeah.

And I go, what? And he goes, tap it. And I'm like, when he eat out? And he goes, and he takes my hand and he like, tap it, right? And he's like, I'm like, just is my thing, just do it, right? And so I'd be like,

you know what I mean? And then he got so turned down, I was like, yeah, bitch. And it was also very freeing. That is. Isn't that crazy? I can't imagine putting a rubber band around my natsack and hitting it like a bow,

like just hit it. Like bang, bang. Oh, like a boxing bag. Like he wanted it like that. Isn't that crazy? You know, like, when people say that you're, like, mushrooms, who ate the first mushroom? Uh-huh. Who figured out that if you took dog shit or cow shit and moved it over, there'd be a mushroom under it?

That's why, when I think about, when I think about half this shit, the guy from an excess who would jerk off and tie a thing around his neck. You know, all those things have always been very, you know, I'm a criminal. You want to talk about criminality stuff? I know about crime. I know how to bury the body. But all that other shit, I was never really exposed to it until. like two years before I moved here. And then once you move here,

you meet weird types of sex people. I'm very lucky I met my wife when I met my wife because until the time I met my wife, I was meeting some weird fucking women. And we were doing some crazy fucking shit. It was not good and it was not healthy. When I go home and I'm thinking to myself, Jesus Christ, that just happened, that's bad.

Yeah. Like just stupid sex with people. unprotected, you know, getting an A-ball, you know, going to a hotel. It was terrible. Well, you said something the other day about there's a lot of people where you grew up that married their high school sweetheart. Yes. And that's the other, that's like the opposite end of the spectrum. I have a friend who did, and I sometimes don't think about it.

I wonder if he has a good sex life. Like, I wonder if people like that are, like, fulfilled if they really got someone they wanted to spend the rest of their life with. Well, I know someone that was high school Sweethearts, and they have a very active sex life. It's never slowed, but they don't have kids, and they've been married 25 years. But they never had kids. Yeah.

Crazy, right? I know it's such a crazy concept. Like, what? I like to have sex more. But I'm embarrassed to ask my wife. Like, she's tired after times. It's like, why ask? You know what I'm saying?

To go through the whole fucking thing. But when I was younger, I would wear you out if you were a woman. Yeah. Like, if you were my girlfriend, I wore you out. Just out of principle. Fuck it. You're here. Let's do it.

Let's do it. Why not? Right. You just come out of the shower. Let's see what that monkey smells like. It's fresh. You know what I'm saying? But I'm in a rush.

Yeah, who cares? Everybody's in a rush. Right, right. Well, now, hey, now that I'm home with my boys, oh, my God. Yeah, it's nothing you can do. It's not good. You know, it's kind of crazy. Well, you should tell.

10 years ago, I was about to, 11 years ago, I was about to quit comedy, and I bumped into you, and we started a podcast, and here we are today. I know, a lot of happening. 2000, fucking nine. We did 100 episodes. Today, I did 850 with this mortadale. And here we are, man, you know. I mean, we got into the podcasting thing when there was, we were calling Mark Marin for advice.

Right. Like the big guy in town was Carolla. Yeah. That was the big guy around town, you know. Now look where the podcast has gone to, so I wanted to get you three guys together in the room. And say that, we did the right thing at the right time. You know, it's kind of crazy. And even stopping doing Beauty and the Beast was the right thing at the right time.

For both of us, yeah. Because everything happens for a reason. Oh, for sure. Like, I could see because I was the one, like, when we had the little website and people would write comments. And it's like, I totally could see that the direction you needed to go. But I just couldn't participate because I had kids and a cranky ex-husband. You know what I mean?

So it's like I couldn't, you know, and I totally get why that change needed to be made, you know. But I enjoyed my time with you. We had a great guest. We had a lot of fun, yeah. That movie was on the other night. They kept thinking of you and I was in a quarry, but it was too late. I didn't want to hurt your feelings. The guy that, he said that that movie was based off him, the cop, who kept torturing you.

He was friends with your boyfriend, and he did that cop. He did the movie colors. I think it was one of your last episodes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He did, he was the cop that was supposed to play colors. He was drinking. Yeah. And he was breaking your balls about Dave.

He kept asking you, have you gotten tested? lately and you're like he kept asking your fucking different shit I'll never forget that how much we laughed but the best thing from your podcast that I learned was storytelling oh for sure and I like this is when

what people don't understand is what we got into we were open micers of podcast for sure like we didn't even put up the first episodes we did like 10 episodes where we just hung around and just and just talked and it was also like a learning process in because you had come from doing so much with Rogan like

no jokes no jokes Felicia right because I would come in with you know and to learn I really truly learned how to tell a better story by hearing your stories and and to it was such a process of seeing

you elevate it every time you know what I mean and and sometimes it's better to start a project without a goal to just start a project. You know what I mean?

Just figuring it out. Not overthinking stuff. Don't you agree? Listen, when we started the podcast, we knew nothing about nothing. We knew nothing about nothing. Just like Rogan, just like Sam Trippley,

just like Bill Burr. You know, Mark Maron was already on the board with his, right? I mean, we called Mark with Vice a couple of times. Right, right. Nobody really knew. It was going into the unknown, not knowing. And now look at what podcasts have done the last five years.

Yeah, it's crazy. You go on the list, there's millions of fucking podcasts. And now if there's no TV, I wonder how many TV-produced podcasts are going to come out because we're going to go back to listening like 195. Uh-huh. You know, we're going to go back to, let's sit around the radio on Saturday nights and listen to fucking... And, you know, whatever.

But I just wanted to thank you for, uh, we did something really good. Uh, you know, thank you, Joie. That I never want you to forget that, that we did something really good. And it was like, it was the weirdest story because we had been doing it for a while. And we were just going, figuring out the moves. I told you a story about mugging a hooker and lighting her wig on fire. And I remember that I was so focused into telling the story. You had spit things up.

Uh-huh. You had Mike guards up. I was so focused on telling the story about this hooker. And now, you know, she got into a fight, and then she tried to cut Albi. And then we got her into North Bergen, and we took it to the Fairview Cemetery. And then we threw out of the car. And she said, what, you're going to kill me and all? And I remember at one point looking at you,

Because I was so involved in the story, and your jaw was like fucking wide open. And I go, we're on to something. That's when I realized I was on to something. And it's like Burke Chrysia said, because he told a machine story on Rogan, he's got to say it. He's got to talk about it now. He goes, recently, I stopped talking about it because I stopped saying the fucking story. I got sick of saying the story. Right, right.

But that hooker story carried me for a year because people wanted to hear the hooker story. Right. It's so fucking weird how it all came down from that. And I still remember getting in the car. Like, I had done the longest yard. I had done a move with De Niro. I had done taxi. I had done all these little things.

And, you know, there's a thing called selling tickets, you know. And the improbable book, you know, no book anybody. If you're funny enough and you're in the chops, they'll book you. And then when you, you know, you sell 90 tickets. They don't get mad at you. They'll rebook you, but they'll keep rebooking you to build your career, you know. And I'll tell you, when I did The Longest Yard, at that time, the equation was, you did a movie, you sold tickets. You did a TV show.

You sold tickets. Well, I did a movie and did TV shows. I didn't sell no fucking tickets. So here I am banging my head off the wall. How do you sell a ticket? it's really weird to think that telling a story about mugging a hooker and lighting her wig on fly

changed my comedy career for what it is today. Right. That is crazy. That is crazy. It's just insane to me. Yeah. That telling that story changed everything.

And then I take... Like, you look at my two specials, they're dog shit. But if you look at the fucking things I did for Ari, that's my best work. That's my best work. Oh, this is not happening? Yeah, those are my best work.

That's my, I was so loose because it was our Ari, and I knew that I had to do good for Ari. Like, it was so different where my motivation was, like, you learn all these things, but going back to the podcast. Can I just say, I hate when you downplay your specials. Like, I, Joey, when I watch your second special, I started to cry. Like, I was overwhelmed by it. Like, I don't like when you do that.

We all feel, it's like, you know, it's like sometimes you eat somebody's pussy, but you didn't eat it right. I know, but from the get-go you were like, ah. And I was like, no, that's fucking awesome special. Sometimes you just feel weird, but we did some special, something very special, Felicia. Someday you're going to write a book, you're going to write a journal. Somebody's going to write a book about podcasting or something. and our names are going to come up in that book. Well, yours certainly will.

No, yours definitely will too because you were the bridge to the tunnel kind of. You know what I love about our story together is how I had gotten divorced, and I've said this before, and no one would talk to me in comedy, and I wanted to get back in, and you were the only one that reached out, The only one, Joey. What does that tell you about this town for this show? Yeah. It tells me that people are fucking hungry.

Whether they really are hungry or emotionally hungry or, you know? You know, right now we're living in a time in comedy where we're seeing our friends getting accused of things that we can't believe, whether it's rape or... And we know these people. We've been around them, been around them for years. I mean, the lucky thing about you is not to make you look whatever, is that you were around for the two big, greatest bangs of comedy after story. I know.

A lot of people can't say that. You, Dice, you know, Kness and that whole thing. You saw a boy, and both of them were both drug-and-fueled and sex-related. Both boosts were, you know, surrounded around this fucking bad shit. It was different. Like, when you were saying earlier in the podcast about how you, how you sometimes miss how rowdy comedy was

or how unforgiving it was like when you were like being at the store and you know in the middle of the 80s how crazy it was like I fucking miss sometimes I get it I get it it can't go on like that but I miss how literally it was like you know craziness it was just insanity for the store to have the talent that they had at this last run there had to be a tamer

there. There was too much time at that store. From Jeremiah Watkins to Jessica Wellington to fucking Moses. I really, really, really want you to think of the spectrum of the store as far as talent is concerned. Never mind the Bill Burrs

and the Dave Chappelle and the Joe Rogan to come in. Think about the Fahim Amoir. Fuck, Fahim Anwar. Think about the fucking black kid, the nice kid that does the rap battle. Brian Simpson. Brian Moses. Oh, Brian Moses, great guy.

Think about, you know, you think about the spectrum. Think about the people that were just coming up. Brian Simpson, Annie Letterman, who he just had on. Like, to see Annie Letterman, man. It's like the last year has been phenomenal to see her fucking go at it. So you look at that spectrum. To control that thing, you had to have management there. When the inmates ran the asylum, there was talent down there.

But there was a lot of bad talent. down there was more bad talent than what was good talent and when this organization came in they told those people don't come around here no more because Mitzie had created when I was the host there on Sunday nights there was 60 guys from the Kennison days that were out there every night and they were just looking and bad you're just making yourself look bad go home go home your time came it went right accepted it. Do something else. Move on. So hard. It's hard,

but it isn't hard. Right now, I'm at the crossroads of my life. Well, right now. And I'm 57, and I'm like, by the time we get to do stand-up again, where am I really going to be? You know? Let me tell you something. I mean, I'm not talking about you. You look beautiful. I know that this three-month

pandemic has put four years of wind damage on my face. I feel the same way. I'm telling you right now that I saw pictures of friends of mine on Facebook. I'm like, we've aged that much in three months. Yeah, once this slows down and the pandemic goes away, we'll unage. But we're aging triple at the amount right now because of the way we're living.

Yeah, because it's stressful. I'm living healthy. I'm drinking fucking water. I'm doing all the right stuff. But our minds are getting weird, you know. Right. I don't even know where I was going. No, I just think because it's so uncertain right now.

It's so uncertain. You know, if you are blessed where you don't have to worry for your own safety or your own needs, you are completely, you know, full of empathy for people that are going through so much. Like, think about all the young comics or a lot of people are moving out of town. A lot of people, you know, don't have means. And it's unsettling. Like, what's going to happen two months from now? What's going to happen? You know, as a matter of fact, on this podcast, it's we'll be out of here.

I know. But, I mean, Felicia, you, Joey just said he went through both booms, but you also went through being one of the biggest comics in the country to not doing it for a long time and working your way back to the comic store. So, like, Joy was like, you were just saying you don't know what's going to happen. Felicia's proof that you can not be on stage and then get back on stage. Comedy is a journey. Yeah.

Comedy might shift, though. Comedy's going to shift. Comedy might shift. Comedy might do a lot of stuff, but I'm just happy we were a part of Beauty and the Beast. And I'm happy I was part of the comedy store with you. And I was happy that you gave me advice in 94. And look where we're at 26 years later and we're still friends.

And I love you at all my heart. I love you too. And I'm happy you can make an event for the last guest of the church away. What's happened now. Get the fuck out of here, really? Yeah, we're just going to do a wrap-up, and we're going to leave them a gem. Uh-huh. Next week, we're going to surprise them.

And that's it. Lees going to go to Milwaukee. I'm going to New Jersey, and you're going to New York. So we will all be gone. Real quick, before I get out of here, I don't want to forget nothing to nobody. Remember, the church podcast today is brought to you by stamps.com. As we slowly adjust to... a new normal. We still need to do business as usual. How are you supposed to do what you're

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The next church podcast will be Leah and myself, farewelling you motherfuckers. But for today, Felicia Michaels is our last guests, and I love you. Oh, I fucking love you guys. Good luck, everybody. I love you guys. Yep, good luck to you, motherfuckers.

And we'll see you Monday morning. Tip-top Magoo. Kick this motherfucker, Mulee.