The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - Addicted to Adrenaline

Episode Date: July 14, 2026

Joey Diaz and Lee syatt talk Joey's long history of addictions including a brief crack phase and robbing people. Joey and Lee also talk possibilities when it comes to how much top comedians make.  SHOW NOTES Limited-time offer, 15% OFF Zapply T1 with code JOEY at https://us.tryzapply.com/ 90-day money-back guarantee. #ad Support the show & support your mental health. Sign up & get 10% off at https://www.betterhelp.com/DIAZ

Kick this motherfucker, Neil Lee. What's happening, you savages, it's the church of what's happening now. New edition or whatever the fuck it is. I'm Joey Diaz. This is my main man, Lee, aka Johnny Hitler. He was Johnny Mussolini two weeks ago. Now he's Johnny Hitler today. Hope everybody's doing well.

You know, another fun-filled week here. What's going on with you? I'm good, dude. I'm good. It was a crazy, crazy. I don't know. Did you watch the UFC at all? Do you care about that anymore?

I watched it because I bet Max Holloway to win, decision, knockout, roller skating. I had Max, I didn't give a fuck. And I called it Tuesday, Wednesday night in Brooklyn. I said it on stage and why I wasn't even going to consider betting him. I already saw all the signs. Something wasn't right. They kept pushed them. Nobody was talking about Max Holloway.

Max Holloway is a killer. 34 years old. Fucking his last six fights. He's killed people. I think he lost Olivera and somebody else. Or I could be wrong. But there was no way. Too many people would beat Betton.

Vegas. Vegas was not going to take that beat. Did he really make $30 million, McGregor? Yeah. That's a disgrace. It is what it is. There's nothing you can do about it. I feel bad for you if you bought the ticket.

I feel bad for you. Hence the expression. Mind your fucking business. You could have had just as much fun in your living room. People went to that fight. They're fucking heartbroken. They're like they're Russian right now. They paid three grand and they didn't see nothing.

You saw Patty Babbatty. You saw a great card. But the card they went to see. And I feel bad for Connor. Half of me feels bad for Connor. But again, that flying sidekick, there was no reason for it. I think he was hurt before that. He was hurt before.

Dude, we talk a lot about people like, you know, getting greedy. The fact that it's free, like, I didn't watch a UFC for 10 years. Like those pay-reviews were so expensive. Yeah, but you were pirating them. Don't like that. I did a little bit, but honestly, not. Like, those pirating, it always goes down. Like, I don't know.

It's, it's, now I sound like an old person, but when we were watching it in L.A., and it was like Max and his prime, DC, John Jones, it was, I don't know, it just seemed better than it is now. It seemed like the fights were more exciting. It seemed like, I don't know. I didn't really care about it.

And for him to make 30, no one makes 30 million. John Jones, they wouldn't give him 20. And that's why he didn't fight. You know, man, that kid brings something. Say what you want to say about Conner McGregor. He changes an economy for five days, okay? He changes your economy.

You could take shit away from Conner McGregor, but he pumped a lot of money into Vegas. That's why they didn't cancel the fight. and I don't think he, you know, listen, it's an eight-week training camp, right? There's nobody who walks out of an eight-week training camp that they're doing it effectively. That doesn't hurt something. Your shoulder.

I go to the gym every once in a while I do a high pull, my shoulder. Something is still lingering that never healed. So you always go into a fight with an injury, but the excitement of the lights and all that shit makes the pain go away and you try your best. I saw something different. McGregor was jumping around all weekend,

being nice to people. You know, it was almost too surreal. But when he walked in the octagon, everything changed. Look at it. He looked across, it's like when I do a gig, and you guys tell me,

I can't wait. And now it's December 28th, and we've got to go do this gig. I'm like, fuck. And that's what happened. He looked across the ring and goes, look at his face. Why am I doing this? I'm worth $400 million.

I'm going to get $30 million. I got to pay taxes on and all that shit. What am I doing with my life? I could just make commercials now. Yeah? You could just do commercials. Or open up a gym, sports, gyms, whatever. He took the fight.

Oh, the fighter mentality is completely different when you're fucking broke and hungry than when you're sleeping on $200,000 million sheets. Yeah, of course. You know, you got a butler and you're on a fucking Ferrari boat and you're on. It's tough to really dig. And I get that and I get, and listen, he's an amazing athlete, but I just, I was watching it as a comic and I'm like, this is a guy

who sells out Madison Square Garden and hasn't done, has done three shows, has no material. And it's just, like, if, if I had paid for it. for that? I would have been, like, I would have been so pissed. That's why you didn't pay. That's why I was on Paramount. You got nothing to worry about. Right. I mean, when I watched it, like

I said, for me, it was just the point of the betting. There was no way he was going to win. I did not know he was going to fall apart, get hurt. I did not, but I knew there was something. There was no way all those people and then when Drake bet him

that's when I doubled up. He really doesn't do that. A million dollars. You double. You double. up. You got nothing to lose. You got nothing to lose. Every time Drake bets, bet against him, you will fucking win tons of fucking money.

Does he announce it or something? No, they put it up. He just bet a million dollars. That's, and he always loses, right? You know, people always say to me, dog, don't you go to baseball games, the Yankees or the Giants

or the Boston Red Sox or whatever? You know why I don't like that shit no more? I saw behind the curtain. In what way? When you're a kid, you wear your jersey and you go to these places and you're excited, you bring... How many times I bring a basketball game

to Massachusetts Square Garden as a kid? When the Nets started playing in Piscataway and me and Chuckie McBreen took a bus up there one night to see Moses Malone, we had balls with us. But three of us, you know, you're in the eighth grade, okay?

I think when I started betting that 18, 19, I just saw behind the curtain. You just see behind the curtain. behind the curtain. There's no way. I remember one game we were at Hashways. It was perfect. It was a Monday night game. We all liked it. Everybody broke down the thing. They were given seven and a half. They ended up losing by 40.

Never forget that going. This ain't right. Something's not right here. That's why I feel bad for people when I see them on the A train with giant stuff on. Let it go. Let it go. That's something to watch at home. after 20 you're going to be a fan with a jersey on and shit. I feel bad for you. Because it's not even about that. It's not even about that anymore. You know, you never seen a bookie with a part-time job, guys.

And Vegas doesn't get bigger every year because you and your friends, we broke even. You broke even. Okay. But Vegas keeps getting bigger. Now they're putting another fucking stadium on the script, but you keep telling me you go out there every time at all. We and my wife went all the time. No, you don't.

Nobody fucking wins. Because even if you win, you still got three days left. You might win an $8,000 jackpot and you got three days left. By this third day, we're not going to gamble. No, we're going to love, oh, we're going to buy a, we're going to paint the deck, you know. We're going to install a new deck. Fuck you. That mother, one of those two is burning.

They're saying, we made eight. We can make 12. Let's just take four down there. That's life. he's going to get you. In Casino, the Japanese guy, they broke his plane and they went back and he, bro, they're all, it's designed to always win. Yeah, there's that guy that goes and wins 11 million on the thing one time and then he goes home and his family milks him to death. Who's not pregnant? Who's not, so at the same time, you know, it's all bullshit. Once you see behind

the curtain, it's very tough to go back. And that's what happened to me, young. I was like, it's not about how good the quarterback is. It's about what Vegas is running that week. You've seen it. We've all bet. And you've all fucking bet three and a half and they win by three. Or, you know, there's always something that you go, that was fucking fishy.

What about that guy? There's one of those NBA players who's getting like investigated for gambling now. And he was down by like nine. The line was seven and a half with like three seconds left. He zoomed down the court to score. So it would stay under the, under the points or under the spread. And now he's being charged.

And I think everyone's doing it. I think everyone... Gambling has gone up. I mean, across the board, you know, like I spoke about the gambling services or the new credit card services when you're in college. When you have media day in college

or whatever that is, where you go get your books and shit, and then you walk onto the hallway and Bank of America's there and thought when I was there was discovery and MasterCard, they were all there talking to you about the opportunities of MasterCard.

and how if you sign up today, we'll give you a $250 credit. And you can't believe it as a kid. You're like, bro, that's dancing shoes, a pair of jeans, a shirt, and a half gram a blow. Sign me up. And they all do that. $250 here. What do the draft things do? What are the draft services do?

Oh, you're lucky if they give you a T-shirt. No, but I'm talking about like these fucking all the gambling services. Yeah. $5 gets you $300. What's the difference, guys? It's air. Yeah. They don't give a fuck because they know eight out of ten of you motherfuckers

is going to put another quarter in that machine. And four out of ten is in it for life. So he ends up at gamblers anonymous or fucking, you know, and that's just the way life is. Don't ask me. That's just the way life fucking is, man. Alcohol system. Isn't alcohol salesman down?

Mm-hmm. Wait for them next semester at college. Watch till they come on campus start giving away little bottles and shit. that's the final move. You got to tap them there. What was Adam Sandler's genius? He got all those college kids. Those college kids became 40-year-old successful,

and now he's got them for life. They're fans of his for life. You've got to catch them early. And that's the same thing they're doing. So yes, every kid and these kids that are gambling aren't street smart. You know what I'm saying? They fall for all that shit.

Conner McGregor, I'll bet. You know, they fall for all that shit. And that's why you get caught. And now once you're in, you're in. How many times I lose $20 on a Saturday? And I'm like, I just pay the guy on Thursday. But guess what? Sunday still left.

And guess what? Monday night football. And I know there's a Chinese tennis game going on somewhere, Tuesday for me to make my money back. And we end up doing what? We end up losing more. Oh, yeah. It's a fucking science.

and I can't figure out. I'm not Alexander Graham Newton, whatever his fucking name is. You know, I don't know about this shit. Right. All I know is, it's like when they tell you, don't do heroin. You're going to get nailed.

How many people take these pain pills they gave me and end up shooting heroin for years? Mm-hmm. It's, bro, we all have a weakness. It could be gambling, it could be fucking paying $3,000 a ticket for Ariana Grande or or fucking, whatever.

Guys, I have the money to go to those things, and I don't. Why not? Because I'm not overpaying for a fucking ticket. Over my dead body. There's nobody. I love Pink Floyd. They came to LA 10 years ago. Me and Ari took acid.

I said, I'm not paying a dime over 300 for those tickets. We ended up going to eat it for leaps on the acid, fucking dipping roast beef and gravy and fucking trying to eat it when you're on acid. Oh, my God. I just knew I wasn't going to pay that money. I won't let myself. do it. If you like them that much,

go in your car and blast him. Get the same result. What's the difference? You stand there, ask George about his Rolling Stones, $400 dollars tickets. Ask him.

He won't even listen to the fucking stones no more. No. He didn't even watch the McJagga interview. On New York Times. You know, there's people that just see it and they're done.

I think that's the worst feeling when you feel like you got duped. Or like scammed. He's only almost for two tickets for the stones. He's a stone fan. I'm a stone fan. If you would have caught me on the off day, I would have paid, but not really.

I would have thought about that. And I would say, what am I getting? What am I really getting for this? And anyway, you put it once I'm there, but a fourth song, we got to go. I heard what. They did sympathy for the devil and shouted. And what are you going to sit here and leave the metal lands

with all these fucking idiots, stone. Let's get out of here now. I'm going to those guys. What am I doing here? There's a song from our next album. I don't want to hear it. I don't want to hear it. I really don't.

Yeah. You know, so why do I put myself in that position? So I don't. I'm cheap. I just don't want to fucking go. Is there anything that you pay for right now? Like, to see? Concert game.

A black chick farting in your mouth. That's all I would pay the small 50. Listen. There's not my. I mean, what do I want to really see? What, yeah, you gotta start a small. No, we don't. You're open a fart sniffer.

So once you become a headliner, you take three big farts to the mouth, little diarrhea, get to the open mics for the parts. Maybe a little hemorrhoid juice on the mustache. Oh. Then that's when you make the big bucks. People don't want to see you eat a black chick's asses for 600 pounds. They want to see you like that with like an intestine. You know what I'm saying?

Coming out, like a little worm or something. But no. Listen, I got to have an explanation. I'll explain nothing to my life. But if I tell I want to go get two stones, tickets for $500, he's going to look at me like, she ain't cheap either,

but both of us, what are we doing? I'm going to pay $1,000. First, we've got to walk 10,000 steps, and that ain't happen. If I pay you $1,000, I ain't walking. You better get a carpet, a ride, something,

get one of your Hindu brothers to fly me around. Okay, I'm not doing that walking. I don't want to fucking, what's that shit when you pull up early? Bumpa to Bumper, what they call it? Valley? No, shut the fuck up.

Come on, happiness. When you go to a giant game, the game starts at one, but you go to tailgate, bumper the bumper, same shit. You know, I got to go there now with those idiots and people breathing on you. Joey D.S. Take a big, yeah, get with Grogan. Yeah.

I'd rather stay home. Watch the game, order a pizza for Millies, whatever that is. Yeah. You like the pizza? That's great. I'm not going down there. I'm not going down there.

I would go see a great game in a stadium like Miami in November where it's 70 degrees. That's me. You know, I would go to a Miami game. Something in California, a warm game. But if you think I'm going to sit there and freeze and pay $1,000, come on, man. And it's the same with everything now. Like, even if you pay it then, dude, I can't tell you how much money I've gone through in the last. to just living in New York.

You're looking at your bank account every few, six million. What the fuck is happening? Guys, no matter what you do now, George, how much money you spend the week? Not even on groceries, on little shit.

Remember, you know, you spent 100 bucks on groceries, you got eight bags. But everything else was small. Everything else was small. We go to the city and park, it's... At least.

Okay? And I got to walk up steps and stand there. while they get your car with 18 other donkeys. So it's not like it used to be that we just got groceries, a mortgage, and a car payment. Insurance. Everything is big now.

You got a fucking milkshake. It's $10. You got to carve out, get two milkshakes on a Sunday. $28, bro. The party is over. So that's what you're looking at. It's like when you're trying to lose weight. People like, well, you know, I'm going to do that.

Listen, have a cheat. When you eat a cheeseburger, it comes. comes with fries, and it comes with a large fucking soda. You can't get away from it. You know what I'm saying? But you can eliminate the secondary calories, which is French fries, or ketchup, or a fucking 16 ounce Coke with sugar in it, instead of maybe drinking a Diet Coke or a

water. That's the same thing with life now. Everything is high around you. You go fucking get a pair of socks. You go to fucking Coles. Everything. Coles is fucking you now. No, no, I love Coles. They always give me a coupon to make me feel like whatever I spent. They help me fucking... So I love Coles.

But go, go to pass sneakers. Go get a pass sneakers. Look at the dingiest sneakers they got. $70. At least. So you're getting killed kids. These people have eight kids. Just softball.

The fucking bats. I don't even repeat these things to you. I'm embarrassed what they want. after a kid's bat. That'll last like, what, one season? Nah, like two seasons, whatever. It's just, guys, we live in a society now, that everything.

Remember, you paid 400 for a plane ticket. That's a lot of money, George. That's a lot of money for a fucking plane ticket. But you get to the airport, your water's $3, $3, you bring a sandwich. Do that now. Your water's seven, eight, and they don't take cash. They want an ATM card.

You know, when I go for tacos and whatever, Well, there's still 20 bucks, but it's four breakfast tacos and a fucking juice. The juice is seven bucks. I will say that when you find... Yeah? Make sure you get that freshly squeezed orange juice. And the fucking grapefruit is off the chain. Should I?

Because I'm not... I'm flying back from Dallas. I should stop before I leave the airport in Austin and get a taco? Were you flying from Austin to... No, I'm driving from Austin to Dallas. When you land there... Get a taco. It's 10 o'clock, right?

What time you land to me? Yeah, something like that. Don't be ready to go. Okay. You're going to land on like gate, you're flying out of LaGuardia. JFK, unfortunately. Oh, you fucking retort.

The only, they don't have nonstop. Newark does. I don't want to go to Newark. 12, fucking 10. I'm doing Nadav's poker thing, so I have to be there early. But yeah, you go to Austin. What are we talking about?

Just about you said the tacos at the Austin airport. The airport. Before, you know, when you get to the hotel, now you're hungry, you got to leave the hotel. Always. at the fucking airport. Right there by gate 25. Okay.

You know the gate. Gate 23 around there. I remember the one. You walk up and they have the stand with the steak tacos. They got a new taco. They got a taco scrambled eggs with tortilla chips in it. Mm-hmm. A little, oh, Jesus Christ.

I will say that. Like, when you find a place that still has decent deals, I'm loyal as a motherf-file. I'll go there every day now. Oh, the taco place we had in L.A. around the corner with the fucking potato tacos. Mm-hmm. Like a dollar dollar a box

You just give the guy A 20 go And he would make us The milk shit Go Go Yeah When you go to Austin

That's three tacos Two bucks Take 50 Go Go It's not like I'm giving you 50 bucks

To come back With a fucking Cheeseburger I'm giving you fucking 50 bucks To come back with

A suitcase 40 tacos 40 fucking tacos But 50 fucking tacos but 50 bucks with the little containers, the bean and cheese, I can eat four of those. I love a bean and cheese. Oh, that's all day long.

All day fucking long. How do they not have edibles in Texas? They don't have no marijuana. That's crazy. They just basically got gambling. I don't know if they passed or not. It's weird. It's like the, you're buying a future.

I don't even know how they. It's a real. So, yeah. You know, now. that's what kills us. As Americans, is that we have nowhere to turn. Every time we turn,

it's more fucking expense. Look at you. You just got your windshield broken this weekend. Even when you're not trying to spend money. I mean, I'm sure insurance cover. But then your insurance goes up. A part of it.

They fuck you. Again, welcome. I just switched medical insurances. I got to lose three doctors. No. I got to go to a different PT. welcome to life. Welcome to fucking life.

But I have to use a special inhaler. Would I say how much they want for that inhale? How much? Every four weeks. How many fingers are you going to eat? Five. $5.65 a fucking month. So I could breathe easier.

Is that, and that's with insurance? That's crazy. So guess what I'm doing Thursday. I'm going to have doctors off from stealing samples. I already text them and told them. I'm not doing it. Yeah. Because he's the one that switches to breeze it.

Okay. And it's better. They have a breakfast one and then one in the daytime if you get stuck. They want $5.65 for both of those. So it's $1,100. I'll be to get two of those a month. Guys. Guys, I had a friend.

I'm not going to have a friend. His wife's medication every month was $1,800 a month. Mark. And insurance would cover who, But then you go work at Costco, that insurance covers you and your sibling. Because the girl I know at Costco, she's like 65, she retired and went to work at Costco. Yeah? Because the insurance is fucking unreal.

Her husband has a medication like that, like $2,000 a month, picked it right up. Zero. Good for them. But you don't know. You don't know what insurance you're getting. No. This is $3,000 a month for insurance. And then it covers.

We live in a fucking country. where I'm paying $3,000 a month for three fucking people. And I'm in a union. So who's the fucking asshole here? And I'm in a legit fucking union. You thought so, yeah. I thought so. That protects their old people.

I thought so. But no. $46,000 a year, I pay for insurance alone. And you would think that would cover something. I figured with that kind of money, I could walk in and say, fix me. I'm retarded. Fix me. Fix the eye, fix the toe.

Just keep me here to get out. Don't throw you out of the hospital so fast now, daughter. You could have a heart transplant. You're ready to go home, bitch. But then again, you don't want to stay there anyway. Right. At least show me that you care for me a little bit. We live in a society that they don't care for you at all.

You're flying tomorrow. What's that plane ticket run you? Probably five to six, I would imagine. At least. That same plane ticket in the summer used to be 24. $240, $2.80. Oh, yeah. Now you're paying five.

The hotel's one a night, right? Probably. One, two bills. Oh, one, yeah, no, no. It's probably closer to two. Yeah, $2,300 because you don't want people just walking into your hotel room. You know? You get a Motel 6 now.

I can blow that lock with my finger. But at least at the Motel 6, you know what you're getting. Garbage. And you get those little towels, they won't even draw my balls. Those little towels, they're like, this. They give you three of those. Like, they're for motel six where people don't take showers.

They don't care about showers. Yeah, it's homeless people. Well, that, God knows what else. But all those low-level hotels now, I mean, listen, let's talk about Tennessee. I go to Tennessee. I'm in a fucking sweet for 300. Really?

I was just in Virginia. Outside of Richmond, Virginia, paid $2.50 for a regular room. Like, even the Motel 6th is, I don't think are that cheap anymore. When I drove from Massachusetts to California, I would stop and get a hotel. It was like $100 a night at like a holiday. There's none of that anymore. What about Holiday Express?

Don't they? Yeah. What 200? Like I told you guys eight years ago on this podcast, and I'll stress it again. If you have two children today in the American society, you're fuck. Because that's the worst number. That's four Yankee tickets. It's four plane tickets at a nickel of piece, and they sit you in the back.

So your kid's got to sit next to a stranger that hasn't taken a shower in two years. You know, you've got to assume somebody who puts their feet up, when they're fit of dirty, on the chair in front of them. That's what you're flying with now in the back. And you're still paying $600, $500. Which one of you guys are telling me you bought a ticket? But if you want to sit close to the window, they charge you an extra $70. Yeah.

$56 bucks. to sit next to a window. Ten years ago, George, was that existing? No. No, you got your bags for free. It's a... The middle seat is free. Who wants to sit in the middle seat and fly more than two hours?

You know, it's a surprise flight. You don't know who's going to be next to you. Would you fly if they put you in the middle seat? I wouldn't. Even if I lose weight, I would... A middle seat, I would rather not... not go. I need to be able to have one side open. Yeah, no, no, no, no, like Southwest, you just sit there like a monk. You don't even have your elbow thing. They even took those

away now. So you sit like this, like you're dead in the fucking cemetery. I think it was when we were going to Vegas to shoot your Netflix special. I was at like almost my heaviest, probably my heaviest. And I was so fat that this guy moved and took the middle seat so I could get the, of the aisle, because I was going to crush his mom. It was the only open seat. I'll never forget it. He gave it up. And I was like,

no, you can please. I looked at the hotel for 4th of July, Long Beach Island. Yeah. Fourth of July. I was like,

fuck it. We'll drive home. Yeah? We'll leave at 7. Drive home. Watch the fireworks here. Which I'm not going to watch anyway. No.

I drove back to see fucking a rainstorm. That's it. So you have to pick what you want to do from now on, man. You ever go to lunch? Don't look at your lunch bill. For 20 years, I pay $5, $6 for Chinese lunch with the soup, the ice cream, the fortune cookie, your salad,

the fucking a comb, to brush your hair, they gave your shoes. You know, now go for Chinese food for lunch. $22. At least. $22 for the basic little cup of rice with the fucking, you know, whatever you order. So prepare, guys. This is a big preparation fucking game. I know, like, obviously, you can't.

But there's a huge thing now of, like, people moving to, like, Thailand, other places. Could you, Matt, would you ever do that? Like, if you had the ability to, would you have, could you, would you leave the country? At this point of my life, maybe. Yeah. At this point in my life, 63, I already gave America the biggest shot of anybody. I've been here. It's not like, I'm leaving because, no, I'm leaving because I would go.

to something different. You want to see something different. Maybe England spoke to already a day in England. He's liking it? Yeah, you dig a man. You know, something different, a different view. So at least you have a basic understanding of what's going on here. There's people who are retiring the cruise ships.

It costs them less money to live on a cruise ship forever. Food, everything's covered. And they have doctors rather than live in an apartment. It breaks my heart when I go somewhere and there's like a 70-year-old woman as a server. It's like, I can't imagine. No, well, listen, always remember one thing. There's people who retire at 65 and they're dead by 67. That's, yeah.

Let me tell you something. Just my lifestyle. Fucking brutal. It's brutal. If I wasn't lazy, I'd be up every day. But I'm lazy. I know nothing's really going to change except me dropping an extra hundred bucks a day. by coming up here.

Right. You know. It's brutal to live down now. I've said this a thousand times. I love it. I love my neighbor. It fits its purpose. But who do I hang out with down there?

Yeah. Yondiard of neighbor called me Friday. See if I'm going to go to Chinese food. I spend the first time in two or three years. Nobody calls me to do nothing. They ain't by my daughter. But me and my wife, we're 20 years old and everybody else. Plus, I just don't, you know, there's things I want to do

there's things I don't want to do. But that place down there is fucking boring. But it suits who I am now. I'm not 28. I'm not 48. I'm a grown fucking man. How much... Listen, I go do the improv on a Wednesday.

I got to stay in fucking Thursday night. All right? And we get out of there at 9 o'clock. That's a long drive. It's a long night. You know, it's not what it used to be. But still, it's fucking quiet down there. So when you get older, the big beef they have,

is that you get bored. That's what they tell you to buy a fucking dog. Get a dog, do this, do that. My life, I don't want to walk around with a fucking dog. At this point in my life, I can't make a dog my best friend. You know what I'm saying? That would really break my heart. If I only talk to a dog, a 10-year-old,

and his mom every fucking day. Yeah. But, like, even, I would rather be bored than, like, there's, like, old people living in their cars. There's a lot of people. I see a lot of, like, homeless old people. They're living, like, I can't, like, I get that you're bored and you want to have something to do in the day. That's fine.

But having to go. I'm not saying me. I know, I know you. We're talking about 70-year-old waitress. Mm-hmm. So you wanted to sit home and men's sweaters and watch daytime television. There's some people who are cut out for that. But there's some people, like, I try to put the TV on the daytime.

It doesn't work. I don't hear it. I don't hear it. I don't hear it. I'm hearing you're a sack of shit. Your mother sucks. That's what I'm hearing. As soon as I put the TV on at 1, just even New Jersey 12.

I'll put New Jersey 12 on at 1, see what the weather is in a few hours. I don't even like, I can't sit in front of it. I got to wait for the weather in my office. And once I hear the skinny gay guy, I run in there and I watch the weather. But besides that, I can't sit in front of a TV. No. So there's some people. I know a lot of people over 65, and they're still in the work.

course. Some of them fucked up. Some of them had McGregor Saturday night, you know. But some of them are just bored people that go, hey, if I do this three nights a week, I make 300 bucks and I get away from my husband. Yeah. Get away from my wife for three nights or, you know, it's just an expression. Nobody wants to get away from their wife or their husband. Some people do. But yeah, you're done. You don't want to sit there and watch jeopardy every fucking night and go, oh,

He's talking about the word friend. I don't want to do that, though. You know, I don't want to go to a bar either. That's the other thing. Right. I got a strip club by my house. You got to break my leg to go in there. Every night I drive past, I go,

maybe I should go in there for Enoch and for what, to feel embarrassed? You go in there, they're all 20. You're 60. What are you there to do? You know, you're not there to watch. You're not there to fucking watch the World Cup. You're going to try to scam on a 20-year-old.

I'm not in the move for that right now. So I just go home. Yeah, I'm too old to deal with a 20-year-old. You know, I love Drake. You know, I'm not going through that shit right now. I'm too old for that. No. So my options are low.

But I tell you what I can do. What's that? Comedy. Fuck, yeah. How was the improv? You have fun? That's a great little club, man. Listen, and that's why I started doing comedy yet.

Mm-hmm. Because even if I'm not doing comedy, I'm thinking about shit to talk about. and at least it takes my mind away for a few hours. Listen, guys, four nights a week, I wait, I'll go on my ride, I smoke, I call a couple of you guys, I come home, and I go, I can't sit in front of this television. So I got to go in a computer room,

and I'd rather read on peptides than sit there and watch a stupid computer. I don't know, I don't know what else to do. But my point is, as you get older, your options run out. Now, if I drank, Oh, I'd be the master of fucking disaster at my age. Oh, could you see yourself drinking, like going out?

I tried it. Let me tell you what happened Friday night, motherfuckers. Oh, no. Didn't do nothing all day. I'd have stopped taking these edibles because they make me too hungry at night. And I'm tearing into shit that's just, you know, two weeks ago I ate an old bag of cherries. Not the pound bag, but the big one, I got a little. At five in the morning, it was like a rocket flew out of my ass.

It was pink in there. It took everything out. It's fiber. I love that you're looking at it. You have to look at it. You don't have to. Yes, you do. You have to see what comes out of your ass, so it could be a pool of blood.

And you're walking around. I didn't want to look at it. You got the exorcist living in your tub. You don't want to look at your asshole. So Friday night, my wife and my daughter went to see Greece at some school. One of our friends, kids. I'm not going to see no high school theater with my heart.

And it's about the kids anyway, so it's not about me. I got my fucking car on and I went for a ride. I had to join me. And I go, where do I really, what am I to move to eat? And where do I really want to sit tonight and waste my fucking time?

I drove around for 20 minutes. There was not a place I wanted to go into. I said, you know what? Let me go down a freehold. And I went to 618. I walked in 618. My man Ed was there. I gave him a big HUD.

The bartender goes, how are you doing? He goes, do you want one of your gun drinks? I only go in there like every three months. But the last time I went in there, the gun drink was a pistachio martini, but it's whipped. Okay. And since I'm a fat, fucking I don't like the taste of alcohol. It was, I just tasted it.

I'm like, oh, shit, give me one of those. It was delicious. Nothing happens. I could drink ten of those. Nothing's going to happen. Yeah. When I the other night, I ordered the little crab cakes just to get out of the house. I could have at the house.

I could have got a piece of sushi. I just want to get out of house. I didn't want to go to a place I went to before. So I said I had my crab cakes and I finished that drink. It was fucking yummy. It was red. It was fucking something in it, right? So I asked him for the check.

He comes back. Guys, I only smoked that day. I got up and my world stopped. My head froze. I was like, oh shit, I'm fucked up. Not that I was walking over the line or falling, nothing like that. I just knew I was high. When I got up, three women came over.

They told me about their husbands that they liked me on a podcast. I'm like, yeah, yeah, great, but I got to go. And I just walked out that door, dog. I got to my truck out of sit there 15 minutes. I was so fucking high on whatever he gave me. So before I left, I looked at him. I go, hey, what did you put in here? He goes, that's rosé with blended fruit.

So basically it was wine But that sugar took it right into the bloodstream And boy was I fucked up 15 minutes It was like a little head rush After 15 minutes I just started the car So what would you like me to start drinking

Because if I have two drinks I'm getting a DUI And I'm taking eight cars with me You know what I'm saying? So there's no way You could Uber Fuck that You know I could lie to you and tell you

Oh but And then my brother call me. Christy Lorenzo, Jesse, Dad. inebriated. I had to drive to his house and check on him. What are you doing? I kept saying, put the pipe away. And he's like, what pipe? I ain't got the pipe.

Inebrated. And I'm like, jealous. Like, in a way, I'm kind of jealous. He could go out and get drunk. And I have one sip of a fucking rosé with a fruit drink. And I'm fucked up. You understand me? Holy shit. Yeah. And it's Crazy to me that you even have the idea to go to a bar and get a drink. I don't think you did that one time in L.A. The only place I remember you drinking was the ice house and you'd get the fruity, frozen drinks.

Yeah, before the comedy show. Yeah, and that's it. And you get like one. But I always told you, there was no place to sit in L.A. except Dan Tanners. Okay. There was really no places that catered to you, like in Jersey. In Jersey, you could sit at the chair or you could sit at the bar, you know? and I like the bar

because I don't have to put up with, you know, do you want fresh water, sparkling water, or water from the Hudson? Listen, I'm already aggravated. Leith asked you for a menu and I already got to sit here eight minutes

and the bread's not here. And you want to ask me what water. So before I get involved, I like going to the bar. The bar is always there. You can always put your order in. The bar, you know, when I came here with like a,

I don't know, 10, 20, years ago, Mike Patoli took me a place in Friot. In Fort Lee, we were at 1230 at night, and they were serving. I'm not talking about serving like a cheeseburger with onion rings. No, they were serving like fucking real food. Not the big kitchen, but appetizes. Nice.

But those appetizes were fucking fantastic. Morton used to do that in L.A. Yeah. Yeah. appetizers that are just delicious that are healthy, you know, I don't have to eat fucking onion rings and a cheeseburger again. So I like that. I like a place that I don't have to eat that shit food.

But if I go into your place at Chance, on the weekends, you'd go in there at 11, I would get steak on a stick with a drink, a zombie to hold you over until you went to the city and got that eight ball of Coke right from Chan's direct. It was a 20-minute ride from Chan's right to the, spot and right back. They wouldn't even know you were gone. Your two fucking steaks on the stick would still be sitting at the poo-poo platter.

Oh my God. Would you ever do that? What? Go get Coke and go back to a like a restaurant? We used to do it. That's why I'm saying that. That was the bar for me. That and there was a North Bergen kid who was working a bar in Fort Lee and he begged this, please guys, don't do cocaine here.

Shit. And then we kept them there and went to the city that night and came back at 2, 3.30 in the morning because they were all up here. very close. Fort Lee. Yeah, the bridge is right there. Dude, you don't like,

you just spent a long time time, you don't like leaving that. I can't imagine you going out like multiple times the night to get drugs. Like it just seems so... Ficked up drug. You know what I'm saying?

It makes you do different things. And that's when I didn't mind. You're high. As long as I know, I'm going to get a package in the city, I'm committed. I'll go over there. Fuck the car.

And at three, once you got a 12-pack in you're ready and 10-8 balls, you don't care about tops or speeding or, you know, you just don't give a fuck. You think I'm going to take out my fentanyl test at 3 in the morning and test it? That thing's going down. Do you think people test it? By the-by people for about a week, and then they lose the fentanyl. It falls. All that shit's just a gimmick.

Because, like, I would be mad about the money I'm wasting. Well, in the bars in New York, they give you, they have fentanyl test. Okay. A couple bars, I heard. They have package, like, you could buy them for like $10 at the bar. Thank God. And people test their Coke and fentanyl. I don't want to snort Coke and have to have that thing.

Because I know by four, that thing's going to be out the window. It's just another, you know, I used to get the double-barrel shotgun. That was a piece of glass. They had two tubes connected to your nose, connected to one tube, and you scooped at the bag of Coke. And they hit you like a fucking, how many times I sat on those things? and then with my back pocket. Did you cut yourself? All the time.

I go home twice a week with a bloody ass. Oh, my God. And do you think, like, let's say you deep in your Coke days and you had a tester and it said positive fentanyl? Would you take a check? I'm giving it to Nick first to see what I was. Nick, come over here. Do this line.

Oh, my God. You didn't do one? No, no, no. I did it before. Go ahead. Do that line. If Nick falls over. I just hit the door.

That's it. Nobody knows nothing. You doubt mine one on the car. There's a kid up there acting funny. He's bleeding from his nose. I don't know nothing. At least you called. Would you ever...

And I know the answer is going to be no. But like, let's say you bought some fucked up shit from a drug dealer. Whether it's fentanyl or, like, baby powder. You ever go to me like, hey, man, you've got to give me my money back. You got to give me different stuff. Or if you get fucked, you get fucked. I think in the 35 years or whatever. whatever I did blow, I probably got fucked twice.

One was on Hollywood Boulevard, so I was trying to buy crack. He gave me like fucking soap and shit. I was pissed because it was my last $20. I needed that fucking crack. I went back there looking for this motherfucker. I didn't see him. I was pissed. Oh, because I...

Yeah, bro. For a while, I used to do all this Coke, and I used to drive home at night on Ivar, those side streets instead of taking sunset. And I would see these three black guys standing on the corner every night. And I pull up and they look at me and I look at them. You know what I'm saying? And this happened for about three months and one night. I said, if I couldn't find Coke, I said, fuck it, I get some crack from those guys.

I went over there. You guys got crack. Yeah, 2010. I brought that shit home. I was smoking out of a can. Terry was asking me what's burning in there and shit. What's that smell? Nothing.

Go back to bed. I'm in the, ooh. With a lighter, dirty fingers. and shit. So after, I did crack for about eight weeks. I was hooked on crack. That's a while to do crap. And then I went to El Paso and there was no crack. So I went back to snort and Coke. I never smoked crack again. It was like an eight week little trial period I did with crack. What up, beautiful people? Uncle Joey here. Listen, as 63 years old, Coco is back and feeling like a bad motherfucker. You know what I'm saying? Your uncle Joey's

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I want to thank BetterHelp for sponsoring the church. I, like, you know, as a fat guy, like, I like, I like to say like, oh, I'm addicted to food, this and that. I think drugs are a little bit, because there's a lot of, like, you're just talking about shit that I would never, if I, if I, ran out and stuff. Like, okay, I'm out. Listen, if you're addicted to French fries. Yeah. And it's four in the morning, you're fucked.

Uh-huh. Right? Yeah. When we're addicted to Coke, we find it. We won't go home. And we will find it. We will find it. Damn.

I had four drug dealers before I left L.A. Four when I was doing coke. Four. So nobody would know what I was doing. And it was very rare that. those three guys, I couldn't get a hold of them. Three of them I used regularly. The fourth guy lived on Western by the fucking Mexican place where you go in there,

the Mexicans are in there. You know, what's that called? In Hollywood? Yeah, in Hollywood, right on sunset by Apple. It's on Western. There's like one of those hardware stores, a big one. And then across the street over here, there's... Is it where...

If you want to pick up Mexicans to work for you. A Home Depot. Home Depot. The Home Depot, though, had a Mexican truck there. Since I had to serve food to Mexicans, you couldn't fuck around. They had some carne Asada in that motherfucker. I would go to Home Depot just to eat at the truck. And I was broke, and it was like five bucks.

Delicious. Yeah? But I met a guy at El Compadre that told me one time. Anytime you want to talk, just come to Sunset Western. You'll find me. I'm like, what are you talking about? Do I whistle? He goes, no, no, no, no.

just drive around. You'll see me after a few minutes. Guys, he was not lying. I would head out there, three paranoid, because that's far out of my circle. Western and sunset, right? It was far. Yeah.

And, man, I would drive around, go down to Hollywood, shoot back up to side street, and there he was. Sometimes on a bicycle, sometimes he was just walking. Some nights I'd be at a light, and he would just run up to the car.

Hey, hey, and I'd open the window. Holy shit. and before I could say a word, he put a Coke rock in my nose to make sure I wasn't a cop. Before I could say a word, he would just... Every time?

Every time. You're like, what the fuck? How much you want? Quick, quick, quick. 50 bucks. He wouldn't even wait. You just take a rock out and you got to drive home like this,

like a... My little Coke rock fucking melting in my hand. Damn. I would just find... He would just find me. Never called him. Never knew his number.

And why didn't you want to go out like further. You said the Western was far. I'm surprised you weren't driving all over L.A. Because the one co-deal lived on, you know where the Waterburgers is? In and out? No, no.

The fucking Walbergs. They had a stand. They had a hot hamburger place to Walbergs. It was, I forget the street now. But he was there, which was two blocks from anywhere I lived in Hollywood. I had the Armenian,

which he hung out of Elk. Padre and I could call him and go up to Glendale. And then I had Martel Cartel. No, that's Dante Money. And then I had the white guy. They used to call him a certain name.

John Blaze. His name was John, but they called him John Blaze because he had a motorcycle. He had the worst Coke. Nah, I had another guy too that was a comedian that had really bad coke between, and they were friends. If I didn't want to get in the car, and go to that dude's house, I would just call John Blaze,

but I'd have to wait until 215. He had to get off. He bartended. And he would come to my house with a motorcycle. And one night, he was delivering me coke at 4 in the morning. We're talking. I'm paranoid his shit. And I was like,

like his car. Right there on that block before sunset, his car is doing like 90. By the YMCA in Hollywood, at the side street, not sunset. Just the 90, and another cop was, We're shooting at him. Damn.

And we were like, right, time to go upstairs. That's fucked up. An addiction to drug, listen, a couple weeks where I did Rogan and we spoke about me putting chlorine on my dick. Yep. I would go to a piss test. What would possess you to do that? Not going to jail.

No? No? It's an addiction. I didn't want to go to jail. So I didn't want to give my heart because then I would have to stop snort and coke. but what else would make you put dick on, you know, with renal on your dick?

What makes you do these things? What makes a 27-year-old kid drink a bottle of vinegar? White wine vinegar with gatorade. That's addiction, man. That's not good. That's not good. So people always say, I'm addicted to food. No, you're not, because you're not eating cheeseburgers at two in the morning.

And then going to bed for two hours and waking up at four. And then getting up at six and eating another cheeseburger. I yeah, I did some fucked up shit, but the drugs thing, I did, I did. I trust me, there were times, and mine, it's so boring as a food guy. I'm like, I was just about to say like at like four in the morning you go good Taco Bell after you've had dinner. Like, it's like, it's not good, but it's, it's a lot easier and more like I can just go to any store, any drive-thru. I've never once in my whole life done anything with a drug dealer. I've done tons of drug, but like,

every story I hear about people dealing with drug dealer sounds terrible. Like they don't pick up the phone, they're never there. They fuck. Their family. That's not what I've heard for people of a drug dealer. But I've stored a Coke for 18 years. I still talk to the Armenian. I still talk to Black D.

On a regular. Black D calls me, how you doing? What's going on with acting? You know, they were my friends. And then my ugly addiction, you know, but we were never on bad terms.

Like, Google, he was always a good drug dealer. I don't think that's normal. It is normal because I was a Coke fiend, not an occasional user. So now I was a regular. I was a regular. He could count on me to call him five nights a week. Some nights I didn't have money, he could get pissed, but he still give it to me. Would he ever give you a deal?

Or is the price to price? Price is the price. Okay. But you know how I met the Martel-Colteau. They got robbed, they got robbed of gunside when I went over there to cop. and they told me they were out that they couldn't get drugs for a few days. When I was living at Ralphie's building,

we were fucking around one night and I found this little gun over there. And I just had it over there. I didn't know what I was going to do with it. You found a gun. In a fucking mirror. Like, you take the screws off, the mirror, and the mirror came off.

And there was two guns and some ammunition in there. Ralphie took one. I took the other one. I think Ralphie took like the 22 or some shit like this. You're just saying this like it's a normal, Dude, if I took a mirror off the wall, found a gun. I would call the police. Like, it's just a way.

You're a fag. You keep that shit. What do you mean? You don't call the police. What are they going to do? What am I going to do with it? That's a murder gun. Good for them.

No. You just found a gun. So that's what I did. I didn't know what to do with it. They got robbed, so I gave them the gun. They loved me after that. I said, take this. Don't let people rob you no more.

Really? Yeah. Shoot them. It's what drug dealers do. What are we talking about here? That sounds. Terrible. Do you ever have a drug dealer get caught?

Like, the police catch them? My luckiest day. When they get caught, my bill is erased. Because by the time they get out, nobody's going to talk to them because they're hot. So when you see them, oh, pro, I don't know what happened to that money. I left it in your mailbox. They had a raid.

They probably got it. That's fucked out. George knows. George used to do creepy things. He knows. That's a creepy giggle. Holy shit. Creepy shit.

Now you know why I'm very happy to be out of that world. Why every morning when I get up, I go, thank God. I'm worried about comedy. I'm worried about my weights or my knee hurts. Or I got to pick my daughter up at two. Or I'm not worried about getting up, drinking water, smoking a cigarette and going, where am I going to get 50 bucks to get this party started today?

And this is mostly, a joke. But like even when that times were bad, did you ever think about not going back to like doing Coke, but going back to selling it? Like, could you imagine selling it right now? No, this is 2004, 2005. I didn't have the capacity to sell it because I was living with Terry. There was no way she wasn't going to find out. And I could not bring cocaine. It was her apartment. So there was no way I was going to sell it. I was just a consumer man at the end. I just wanted to wanted to do it. I'd figure it out how to get my hands on it. And that was the only thing about it. What I couldn't fucking start selling coke at the comedy store because I wasn't going to be a

Coke dealer. I was going to be a comic. The cocaine was one of the hobbies I had that was not a good hobby. Some people collect butterflies. Some people, you know, go to museums. I was throwing coke. But eventually, those are my two things in life. Those are my favorite. If I, I had to go down the order before my daughter Mercy, it was cocaine, comedy, very tight. And then getting my dick sucked on cocaine was my third hobby. Everything else did, I don't know what you're talking about. The Jets, back then I wouldn't even put football on. I'm in a hotel room.

I'm living in hotel rooms across the country. I don't have time to watch football. But that was my life. It was cocaine, stand up, and it was. tight, but not as... I loved cocaine a little bit more than doing comedy. Right. But then the love for doing comedy beat that shit.

So it was like a war the whole time. And since I can't do coke no more, I couldn't go to these towns and pick up crazy chicks at a comedy club and 69 with them and put coke rocks in their asshole and lick it. You know. So everything I loved died, except for comedy prevailed.

Thank God. If anything's going to stick around out of those three. What? If anyone was going to stick around out of those three, thank God he chose comedy. They chose it. They chose me. That's fucked up to it.

Yeah? What do you mean by that? And listen, that was the time it was cocaine, getting my dick suck and robbing people. That was my all-time favorite. We were seeing people's faces when they were like, fuck with me and like a week later something was missing from their house and I could go over and go what happened oh somebody came up come on and it was me the whole time I'm fucking dying

the all-time favorite was robbing people oh loved it as George got he's by witness loved it I had to wake up every day and rob something from somebody some days it was small some days it was a wallet with 30 in it but some days I could bump into a thousand I used to do Bro, when I lived in George in 85, I put a suit on every morning, and I just walk from building to building. Just open office door. Hey, how are you doing? Is Nick here?

Nick don't walk. How many times I opened those office doors? There was a purse, and nobody in there. They went to the bathroom and left that purse or a deposit bag or the deposit bag for the business. That's all I would do. I would just go from building to building. Dental offices. How are you doing?

I was thinking I'd get my soldier Let me talk to the dentist right away We got my head over the fucking desk And I was just going to pick up one envelope To rob something bigger So my day always had to start with like a small tab And then in root Then I would eat something

And then I would be more You know what I'm saying? More precise But that's what I used to do From like 84 to like And then in San Francisco I was doing it I was just getting dressed up in the morning With a suit on

They don't expect the guy with a suit on. They don't expect to get robbed. They don't expect to get robbed. They don't expect to get robbed by a guy who's neat, nice suit, iron shirt and his hair, and he slept the night before. What do you think, like, were you looking fucked up? No.

If he didn't have the suit on? No? I'd walk in and be very charming. I was looking for Nick, Askley's. We don't have a Nick here. Let me look in the back. Yeah, you do that. Why would you look in the back?

There's no nick here. It's amazing where you can convince people. I rob Kentucky Fried Chickens. I rob one of those cookie places. Kentucky Fried Chicken in Fort Lee. By the fucking movie theaters and we were kids, I went to see Rocky there. Yeah, it's still there.

But you're not talking about it with like a gun. No. They were a stupid kid. Hey, I'm looking for a job. The manager's not here. But come in the back with me and I'll give you an application. And when you go in the back, the safe is open. with the fucking registers lined up,

ready to take them out, because you're there at 9 o'clock like a soldier. You're looking for a job. Fuck. Do you think you were addicted to robbing people? Loved it. Make my heartbeat, my ears would go numb. Especially if I had to kick a window and go into your house.

Oh, I loved all that shit, kicking a window out or a door and just flying in there like a superhero. No wonder you're bored now. Yeah. But what do you? Yeah. Super.

fucking bored. Oh my God. I've been bored since 19, 2007. Once I stopped snort and coke, life just got boring. I lived the schmuck life like everybody else, like Henry L. in Washington. But I get

Coke, and I get pussy. But the excitement... But the excitement... It all was together. It all worked hand in hand. It all worked hand and hand. I was robbing drug dealers and I was dropping. I wasn't robbing your grandmother.

No, I'm not, yeah. And I was robbing businesses who didn't come out of you. Listen, this is a safe space. There's no judgment here. I'm just, I'm more talking about, like, the anxiety I would have of, are they going to catch me?

Are they going to come back into the cops and they get me? You don't know what it's like. No. To rob something. Stop and get weed. Get into a hotel room because you're living like a doctor. You just made $2,000. You're in the city.

You know, only there for one night. like Mr. Diaz, you know, you got no money. You got $1,800. You robbed the gas station. Dude. But just that night alone, after I shower, and I got dinner, and I got real hard, think how I felt. Good?

I liked that feeling. I enjoyed that feeling of being paranoid that I miss a spot, that I leave my fingerprints. Oh. Leave fingerprints on the window. Did somebody see me? It was two or three nights of that. That sounds like, but you said you do it every day.

So it's like just every day you're more anxious. Like I robbed something big. Like I was, when I leave here at night, I got to go on Tongley Avenue to hit whatever, make a left by Derry Queen, by a whole chance. There's an appliance store on the corner there. I remember one day I was delivering for them. A buddy of mine had the job and he needed a helper for the day. I was just there for the day. I go on with him.

We eat at the fucking diner. whatever that is, the Yankee diner, Yankee Tower. We go to some place. I think I filled them like three times. All three times I robbed something major. So one time we went to drop like a refrigerator or at another appliance store and they had their deposit bag out. I think I got them for like three Gs.

Damn. A bunch of checks with three Gs and cash. We got back to the furniture store. They're like, guys, did you happen to rob? And we're like, no. Did you, by chance? And I'm with Mike Ronnie. He'd always take the blame for me. So he'd go, no. And then we were alone.

Did you really rob him, Joey? No, I wouldn't tell him anything until we got home that night. And then that night I go, you going outside? There's $400. You robbed them. You bad motherfucker. I knew you robbed him. Holy shit.

Another time I went in there and went to pick up, we went to pick up something out of place. They left 30 air conditioners out. I go, Mike, I'm not. leaving without fire him. He's like, I'm going to lose my job. Mike, I'm taking five of them. All right, you better take the fucking blame. I'm not taking the blame for you. He was talking and I kept loading air conditioners and they were like those portable air conditioning. I put about 20 in there. Everybody on Kenny Boulevard bought one of those

air conditioners. The number one guy, Nick, Nick bought two of them, 100 bucks a piece. We didn't even take them home to unlock them. We just drove them right to fucking Kennedy Boulevard. Hatchway bought one. Somebody at the store bought one for their fucking office. Before that night, air conditioners were gone. The ones you plug it and just slip into a window real easy, it was even a light one.

How do you think I was loading them by myself? Dude, I can't fathom how nerve, and doing coke, which I've heard makes you nervous. It's not like a... But when I was robbing, I wasn't doing coke. I was always on the up and up because I wanted to be in the game. But what about like the next day or that night? Well, that night I get coked up, but I'm not robbing, no, but I'm getting coked up.

Yeah, but that's when you're nervous. It's after the... Yeah, but once you start talking to somebody at the bar and they got your back and it's easy. And then the next day you wake up, you're hung over, so you're not going to steal that day. But you're not going to steal until that money starts running low. But that's what I... And once you get down to it, but remember Goodfellers when he goes, we robbed. And when that money ran out, we robbed.

We robbed. We robbed, we robbed, and that's the level you're working at. Every once in a while I go, I can't keep doing this, I'll get a job. And then I get a job, and in training, I just go, I'm not doing this for eight bucks now. And sure enough, there was always a deposit bag somewhere, so I took that to go. They didn't even have my real name. I used all those, what was that? There was a chain in Fort Lee and Cliffside, like a, you know, it's the same restaurant.

And I applied there for a sous chef. And the guy's like, nah, no, no, no, we're going to make you a chef. I went there for like three days and had me cutting shit. On the way out one day, there it was. The register was right there for Papa. I just cleaned the mountain left. Am I embarrassed? And there was no cameras back then.

No, can leave? Not even a fucking itch of a fucking camera. So they couldn't call. I remember going in San Francisco. I went to the American bartender school in New York. And I got to San Francisco. I can't find the job. And one there, go, fuck it.

There's when I looked in the yellow page There's an American bartender school And it's right in downtown San Francisco Maybe a mile from where I lived I was flat broke I walked over there And I went upstairs like an animal With a shirt and a suit

I'm like I've been here for three months And you guys haven't got me a job bro By the time I got back to the hotel The hotel gave me slips You got like three interviews One I never forget this One was for a Mexican bar guys

That was the size of this fucking block Damn in 1985, I could not get a job. Walk in, I asked for Chucho, whatever his name is. I still remember his name. He gives me the application. I fill it out. Guy comes up to me, and he goes, listen,

I'm not looking for bartenders right now, you know. He goes, where'd you work before? And I had all these fake New York City, corkeys. Anybody I knew, I would just put them down. But when he lifted the application up, he looked at something. He goes, can you give me a minute?

And I go, yeah, yeah. And he goes, just sit over there. You want water or anything? I go, yeah, yeah, I think I want. Guy comes back and he goes, that's the weirdest thing. I'm in this country for 30 years. And I've never met somebody who's got my name. And I go, what's your name?

He goes, Jose Diaz. And he goes, I'm, I go, I'm Cuban. And he goes, yeah. I go, I'm from North Korea. I'm from West New York. Oh, shit. We started talking about, but he goes, bro, I'll hire you in a drop of a hat,

but I ain't got nothing for you right now, but I got a restaurant on the other side of town. They're going to hire you today. Let me call them. He called them, and he goes, you're hired. They're giving you two bartender ships and two doorman ships.

And it was at the Haydashbury, Rock and Robin, fucking legendary place. I just lucked out. Crazy. I got fired from there, too, after about two months and shit. I hit the guy with the cassette deck.

But fucking, that same day, like, that same, like I went and got, that job, but I still had an interview the next day after this Italian, fancy restaurant in North San Francisco. It was like at 9 in the morning.

I told you. And I went in there with a suit. And I'm like, Nick, Nick, George, Nick. And then I found myself in the office. Nick, the doors were right open, the office, and the safe was wide open. Dog, I proceeded to start taking cash, cash, cash, cash. Not much in County. That motherfucker left rolls of quarters.

and shit, everything was going. When I walked out, my suit was twisted. I had to take quarters out from this side to balance it. Kathy, Kathy King is like, looking at me, she's like, what's going on? I go, just keep moving. We rod the joint. She goes, no way.

We just got on the bus. There was a bus coming. I go, get on the bus. We just got on the bus. And I remember sitting in the back taking money. I was like two grand, you know, but to me, that was a million dollars. Right. Now, never forget that.

We took it all ours. She's counting it. We're like in a side seat. We're counting it. I put it away. Some kid comes up and he goes, oh, look, I found the $20 bill. I wanted to kill that kid. That was my fucking 20.

But I couldn't prove it. I don't want to cause a fucking fight. I just robbed the guy. But I used to do, that was the luck I had. It was a thieves luck. And it's a low-life luck. But I had it. Something was always letting me bump into something.

It'd be, I'd love to do. tell you that I wouldn't, I can't imagine, like, I would love to do it. The fucking robin, uh, pussy juice. When you have, uh, you know, a rash infection, a yeast infection, you know,

in, uh, all those Puerto Rican girls, get those yeast infect. You rob monostat 7. So every morning I wake up and I go to Safeway and I'd open up like a fucking case of monostat and I just walk out of that. Walk the bridge with no money. Walk the bridge.

no money and there was no breakfast there was no sitting down at the Fort Lee Dino like a white dude straight up fucking stomach and all these people want to fast I'm like he fast yeah when you're a thief you fast all right you fast

were you in a suit for this too yeah I was like a because I was looking for a car job but that was part of my scam for me to go look for a job I'd rob somebody to have the money you got on buses and shit so George turned me on to Monastat 7 and that, and aspirin or something.

They like Tylenol and batteries. I would shop, let them in Jersey and walk over the bridge. Sell them, 40 bucks. I'd love to tell you I was getting five grand, but that'd be a lie. $48. But for me, $48, I got a $10 bag of weed, and I ate Cuban food on that 78th Street, where George left me a few times because he had to get busy and shit.

I would go, and that's it. Now I got $20 to walk the city. I wouldn't even take the A train. I'd walk from 183rd all the way down the 50th Street. I'd just walk with a walkman. I was the happiest pig on her. Damn. Then his uncle got me a job going into buildings,

but I wasn't robbing people there because his uncle got me the job. All I'd do is drop a pamphlet off and business. Hi, thank you for phone systems. He'll give me $400 a week, him and his mom. Do people like, does the world still put, like, robbing situations in front of you now? Always. Yeah? I still remember robbing the comic strip.

No wonder they won't give me spots. I don't even remember. No, I know. This is 33 years ago in those days when you went to the comic strip and you want to get on stage, it wasn't bring five people. You had to sell 30 tickets. Okay. But they would give you the tickets for five dollars apiece.

and you were selling for 20. You kept the profit. Or 15, you kept $10. For me, that's an opportunity. Guys could sell the shit out of those tickets. So they will come back on Wednesday. Whoever has the most tickets gets the open mic. They give me like fucking 20 tickets.

That's something for $10 a piece. That's $300. I ain't going back. That's all of your fucking open mic's going to pay me. You know what I'm saying? I would do that shit. Like not give a fuck. Because there were so many little things on the resume

I knew I was going to get caught eventually because you could only throw spaghetti against the wall that long. And I had been living that life basically from 81 to the time I got arrested for kidnapping. I could have a job. My life could be going straight. But if I saw a pigeon, he's going down.

No matter what's cracking. No matter what is cracking. If I see a pigeon, I don't care if I'm in the monastery. Fucking blending holy water. If I'm the walk to the monastery, I see a nun with two Gs in the pocket, she would go down. Am I embarrassed about saying this? I really, really am. But that was my state of mind until I got caught.

That's why when I got caught for the prison thing, it didn't bother me. I was like, this has been coming for years. I didn't want it to happen in Colorado, but it was good because if I would have gotten trouble here, I would have got a smack on the hand, people, and guess what, I would have kept doing what I'm doing. But when I went in there, there was nobody to talk to. They didn't care about the Hudson County judge.

They didn't give a fuck about the senator from Jersey. You had a gun and you kidnapped somebody. You're doing time. And it was the best thing that ever happened to me. That's why I'm sitting here with you motherfuckers, because I got caught. And don't get me wrong. After I got out for kidnapping, I wasn't kidnapping people,

but I was still doing drug rips. I was still doing drug rips. If you had drug for me to rob, I'm robbing you. Because I was still doing drugs. But I wasn't planning on putting guns to people's heads and nothing like that. You weren't Omar's level. Huh? You weren't like at Omar's level?

I was almost scared straight. You know what I'm saying? Like they almost scared me, but I still was fucking. When I got out of prison, I think I was the craziest ever was. I think that if you look at my life now, you look at my life 10 years ago, and you compare it to when I got out of prison, for like 89 to 95 in Boulder was the craziest behavior I ever fucking had.

Because it co-ckel? I had already two felonies, and I had felt like when my mother died. I got two felonies, I'm going to get the third. And guess what? I'm going to end up doing 25 years in jail. You know, that's how I was looking at life.

And I'm stuck here on probation, or then I got married, then I knocked the chick up, so I was always stuck there. But that was part of it. I already felt like I had, you know, one foot in the grave, one of banana people. Any day away from robbing something, them charging me with the kid, you know, them saying, you know, this guy didn't see the day of light. He did kidnapping and aggravated robbery.

Let's just throw him away. Let's just keep him in there. He's not a member of society. And I really wasn't. I mean, I'm telling you these things straight to. fuck up. Like I was a member of society, but it was a weird society. You know what I'm saying? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. It was an old Hudson County society called Rob. Yeah, that's a, it's crazy how different. That's why when I didn't rob the comedy store that day,

I knew I was kind of healed. I knew I was kind of healed and it taught me to struggle more. Because I don't need to rob the comedy store. This struggle is normal. And I should be feeling this way. And yeah, five years ago, I would have taken those eight cases of Jack Daniels and that one bottle of whiskey and taking it to the liquor store.

Right. When you make the turn off Canyon Boulevard, headed to the store, they buy anything from you. But that day, knowing that, and that sticks out in my mind because that's how I felt. Finally, I didn't give in to something.

Does it feel better to have money like a legitimate way or do you or was it more fun it's always more fun to steal money and it's a lot of fun to you stolen credit cards you don't have to make that payment on the fifth you walk in there like yeah you're speaking French you don't even know French you just fucking you got the AAG what is

what's that called chap LGT on your thing judge it's just telling you what to say Monsieur come here you know all that shit is fun But at an age, like right now, I don't have the... I always tell George and everybody else, they don't have the luxury of driving an hour to get pizza. I don't have the luxury to spend time in county jail. No.

That article comes right up on the newspaper, and there goes 30 dates down the width, just like that. Just like that. This is a different comedy society. It's a different comedy society. They'll take anything. I don't even think Carlos is working. I don't think so.

He's doing, I saw him in Vegas At least I saw a poster But that's it Yeah, but that was after his arrest Maybe, but I don't know Because he was always posting pictures and shit I haven't seen him And like I said, this is a different comedy world now

There's nobody falling on stools There's nobody doing heroin There's nobody causing scenes of shows The comedy club circle is different It's quiet It's real It feels not in a bad way, but kind of corporate.

Very corporate. It's a business now. Listen, when you go to those little clubs of Josh and stuff, and it's one owner, Jane and Bob, they move, they put their life savings up, they got the lick of license. You love those people. Yeah, there's a couple. You love those people.

And they're all over the country. I think it's still like in, you know, you love those people. Side splitters. Side spliters. The one in Batavia is the one owner? The one in Myrtle Beach. I haven't done that one.

Yeah, yeah. Christine and Greg, you know, it's people who just want to get a job and they've messed with you a little bit. They can't pay you what the corpus pay. Okay. So at a different level, it's not, I can't bring them down here. What's you going to do? His tickets got to be up here.

I can't do it. So those places stay away from those. The improv, they don't give a fuck. You can walk out of an improv. A big act could walk out of it with $100,000, you know. weekend? Sure, 80 grand out of an improv. How many shows? Five, six. Oh. Yeah, you can walk out of there with big money out of fucking improv, you know, because they got the corporate. They could pay you a higher percentage. If you're selling tickets, you know, they charge you 17 bucks with a service

charge. It's a bigger... Right. It's more numbers, you know. And I'm not saying for me, but I've heard, I know when I was like featuring, I would hear the numbers that they were paying in Irvine. You know, they'd have to do a Wednesday, maybe two Thursday,

two Friday, two Saturday. Walk out of there with 80 grand, 90 grand. That's amazing. That's fucking crazy. But that's what the improvs. The smaller mom and pop clubs, they can't take a chance

on your deposit. Even if they know your other tickets? Some of them are very smart because they know those other tickets but it's the law diminishing returns. Their staff can't take it. It's going to be too overwhelming on the staff.

Wow. Especially if there's a certain act. I mentioned no racial slurs here, but if it's a certain act, those waitresses get beat to fuck up, no tips, so a lot of those customers are like, nah, save that for the improv, where they could cover all that type of shit. I don't know how we got on to this topic, but it's... We went from stealing to comedy clubs and...

But then, and you earned every penny you made as a stand-up. I'm not saying you stole from anybody. But to go from, I'm like, I get excited if they want to pay me $200 to do a show. And then to have the idea, I don't know what your biggest check wasn't going to stand-up. But let's just say it was a quarter of that when you were selling out shows. To make $10,000 in a weekend, to make $20,000. That's- In 1991, I did not mine.

19th of 1994. I did three shows with Carlos Mnesea. Okay. And we were talking after one of the things and his manager was there and they were talking. At that point, Carlos was getting $10,000 a hosting show

from HBO. Okay. It wasn't his show. 10,000 an episode. And he was getting the tours we did, he'd got $50,000 all four nights. In 1991. Wait, $50,000 a night or $50,000?

thousand four and sixty thousand a night it were three thousand five thousand you know they were all mexican towns they were all very spanishy at that time there was really no but if a spanish act did you know albuquerque phoenix uh no the one before as you're leaving boulder the one where the military is Colorado springs all that shit down there all those farmers and stuff like that. Like that's where we played that weekend. It was like four days, four shows. We did Denver,

Colorado Springs, Pueblo, and someplace. And someplace in like New Mexico. You know? And maybe you do because you go with numbers. Do you remember what you were making if he was making 50?

$50 a show. And how to spend the night with another man in a hotel room. The guy was cool. But again, have somebody, when you're shitting in the same bathroom as another man, and you're sitting in your bed and you're sitting there going, I'm getting $50 and I'm really happy to be here. Oh, yeah.

I'm grateful to be here. I got an opportunity to open up for Carlos at the time. In 94, he was just busting out. And then you think of he's making $10,000 a night. That's, you know, hosting. Because him and the other black guy, Martin, Okay. Martin was getting like 20,000 episodes on HBO back then.

And they would tape 13 episodes in like two weeks. Are you fucking kidding me? That's a young comic, you're sitting there going, God damn. I would kill someone for that. And then when Richard Jenny was doing theaters, I took a weekend with him in Miami. He sold two shows out every night from Tuesday or Sunday.

He walked out at it with 160 grand. from Tuesday to fucking Sunday because he gave me like a $2,000 bonus. I'll never forget that. Wow. By God rest of his soul, he was a good dude. That is something I'm... When you find out something like that,

you start thinking, how can I make that money? Is it by dicking around and going for pizzas an hour away? Is it by jumping up and down at a Dodger game? Is it by fucking around or whatever? think of what goes into that. Think of the time, the energy, but most important,

the sacrifice that goes in that. I couldn't come home for Christmas. I never came home for Christmas. I'd just stay out there with a bunch of fucking idiots in L.A. or whatever the fuck I was. I didn't do things regular people did, but I sacrificed those things because I knew the number was that fucking eye. And when you know the number is that high,

you know, you're a high school football player. You're all state. You're all American. You're going to fucking Penn State. I'm handing it to you. It's your job to lose it. The job is yours. The job is yours.

You got all those credentials unless you, and if you stay not hurt for three years, you got a huge career in the NFL or at least two or three paychecks, like our buddy from North Pergen. You got two big paychecks or whatever the fuck you got. But there's something there.

And once you start thinking about that, you think about the sacrifices and the shit you don't want to do. Now you start going, hey, now your girlfriend says you want to go to a room, but not really. Because I've got to put this on my credit card. I'll just wait. Wait for what, Nick? You hit it.

Nick, you're barely featuring at the comedy store. You bombed the last three sets. But now I'm clean and then you start to clean up. You start to go, okay, maybe I need to write a little bit. Maybe I need to fucking take this a little seriously now. Do two excesses because at the end, you'll get to that fucking level. I mean, the theater got, the arena guys, forget what they're making. Oh, I can't.

That's a number that even if I knew I can't, I don't think I'd wrap my head around. The idea of doing, of making $10,000 a weekend right now is like, I can't even imagine it. I can't. But it's also... Think about going on Kill Tony. Right. And pulling out the magic hat.

I know two or three people right now that are raping them on the road. They're getting 25 fucking grand. 20 grand the fucking weekend. That's amazing. I mean, she's with fucking three arts and somebody else. They're not taking the regular money. You know, there's like three Kill Tony acts that are fucking... Make him back.

The beginning back. When you're laying down the foundation, but it's still $20,000 a weekend. Oh, my God, yeah. And if you hit all five bonuses, it's $25,000 the weekend. And you'll sell it. And you'll sell it. They go from week to week to week to week to week, add it up.

Yeah, I have no idea what he made. I'm not saying, but when I did shows with Ari and Buffalo, it was like I don't see on the road now. You know, you see some busy shows, some sold out over a weekend, But there's usually a light show, this or that. I think we did four shows together. And there was not an empty seat at any of them. You know, and all that shit is contagious.

And you get the weekend of them on the way home. Many of the times I would go. That's my last week and I'm doing comedy. You know, I don't know how much his luck is going to run. You just go on luck now. You're like, I don't know how much long. this is going to happen, but I'm just going to take it

all whatever the fuck you do. But you have to think of that's where I can't imagine with a handful of comics to make it. I can't even imagine. And there's a lot more ways to make money now. Yeah.

Like online, you can make a ton of money. Hey, fucking ways, man. You know, if you look at Gregarius's book, The Jiu-Tit-Master, the opening fucking thing, this is a thousand scams on the internet. and I said that because they're really fucking ass

I don't know how they come to it look at these people playing GTA how much money they're making funds how much money they're making there's college courses with doing it now like that kid

there's a streamer Kai Sinat he just he's doing like a streamer university that people weighed it out in line all night but it's And I feel old saying I don't get it, and maybe I should look into it more. But like the, like, imagine if the streaming had been around when you were, when we first started. That's what we first started with was Matt Flavors World.

But you would have, we would have been live streaming. These games have been around forever. But it's not even gaming necessarily. You make a ton of money with games, but even people are just walking on and live streaming their whole day. Like, that's a big thing that is just hanging out with me. Yeah, that Matt Flavors world. That was what we started with. But it wasn't live.

Like, imagine if you had a live camera on you back then. All day long, yeah. We were going to weed stores, right? Our days were fucking a thousand things. Sometimes we had to guess at three. We had to move in the morning. We had to move. We got to guess the three.

He's coming at two. I still got to go to the weed store. I saw a fucking video the other day of me holding up the big star, the 600 milligram star. No, it was like 3,000. I remember that one. Oh my God. We ate that like fucking five days.

Oh, my God. You were talking about the hash under the glass to me today on the phone. Dude, that was for people, we had, we had pins and we put a sticky hash on the end, light it on fire and then somehow put a glass over it and then suck it under the table. That was the most like, that was a crazy shit I've ever done. Well, not even really. We lost sponsors over that. I got, you know, because that was a.

Yeah. From your Periscope? From people seeing, not the periscope, but people seeing a chunk of something on a fucking syringe and you're smoking it. That's 70s shit in 60s. Huh? Yeah, that's how you did it.

You went to your mother's house. You got a pin W-A-B-C. Yeah, the buttons, you turned it up, put the hash, light it, put it. Smoked it right from the fucking table, nobody knew nothing. And you got super high. Yeah. So we had, when we were looking for sponsors,

a lot of people are like, nah, the drug use on this show. I don't give a fuck. This is our show. This is what it's about. People doing drugs at home. People, you know. How crazy is it?

I can't tell you how many like young kids are a meeting who are like 26, 24. And they're like, I was listening to you in middle school. Holy shit. That's not good. Can you imagine? Keep Mercy listening to that shit now? A fucking podcast.

a fucking podcast. But no, you brought up a very good topic tonight, Lee, and I want you to keep that in mind, I want George to keep that in mind, I want Nick to keep that in mind, or you young comics that are coming up, and you don't know where you're kind of going, whatever.

I just want to tell you where you're going, man. I can't imagine what Joe Coy's making. That motherfucker's doing a theater every other day. He does pop-ups with 8,000 people. Yeah. That's a complete animalistic. I love Joe Koi. Right.

I'm happy he's doing that. But guys, do you know what the numbers are? Those guys are making? I can't imagine what Gabriel's making. Especially this year. He sold out the one arena in London, whatever. Anyway, Gabriel, you know, he bought a neighborhood in Texas pretty much and put all his friends in houses so they would be close to him.

He kept the warehouse. But anyway, it doesn't really matter. What Gabriel does in merch, most people do not make any year. That's crazy. When you have a warehouse just for merch and three full-time guys sending it out, what he makes in merch alone, some of these guys making merch alone is more than what people make. And I'm talking about attorneys.

He's got to be clearing a half-mill to a mill on merch. staff three people. That's, I'm just putting a mill on it. And that's like not even live shows, and he is the website. Live shows, a website, and he don't even have time to do a podcast. He said,

that's shitty money from me. And I'm, I'm not going to name any names and no one in particular that I know, but I've seen comics are charging way too much for shirts. Can you imagine? Okay, let's cover that right now.

First of all, they're not charging way too much for shirts, is that you're paying it. lot of money for the shirt to start off with. A fucking shirt in today's world, what do bands do now? Bands don't sell albums, but they got to perform live to make a living, correct? Something like that. Yeah, they don't make any money on the list.

You make no money in the studio, okay, we do that. Okay, I don't even know what we were talking about. About the shirt prices. About the shirt price. I'll give you an example. A couple years ago, we were selling shirts. Sold a ton of shirts. I'm not going to lie to you.

After the overseas. postages and all this shit you don't know. You make money, but you don't make a lot of money unless, if you pay 40 for a shirt, what do you only do? I charge you, I'm going to charge you $69.99. Right. I don't want to do that, so I'm not going to get involved in that. But if your motive is money,

I'll give an example. Those patches I used to sell. They were $10,000 fucking $500. You sell them for $1,000. a dollar apiece. It's like selling black beauties in high school. Right. I used to get $30 for a thousand black beauties in PA and bring them to North Bergen, and I'd sell the wrestlers, 100 for $30.

So the first hundred I sold, I already got my money back, and I'm stuck with 900 more fucking black beauties that either I sell for $3.30 per 100 or a dollar a piece. You know how many of those things I would sell for a dollar a fucking piece every day before I even went into my first class in North Perkins. Just walk in. People come up to you with $20.

Let me get 20 of those. For another 10, you could buy $100. I got the deal of a century. No, no, no, we don't want to buy 100. This is perfect. Come back to the next day, buy another 20. And they would drink and go to fucking Hutchin County Park or whatever. But think about that.

I was making a fucking living, Kwayloog. You bought for $2 and you sold for $4. That's crazy. A hundred quaylouge. You made $200 bucks. and if you made 160, it's because you ate fucking 22 of them. Okay?

And you banged your bike out and the fucking car and all that shit. But no, all jokes aside here, whether you're a fucking political guy, a fucking framer, you know. And George is an old framer. George's been doing it for a long time, so I can't teach on old dog new tricks,

the same way you can't teach me a lot of shit. Or I'll refuse because the technology would freak me to fuck out. I'm flabbergast like most white people. Some people like technology. It scares me sometimes. I'll stay away from it. You know what I'm saying?

For no stupid reason. But what are we talking about? Sure prices. We were talking about fucking like the motivations I got coming up. First motivation I got was Carlos. And then I found out somebody at the comedy store was making $28,000 a week per episode.

I would say to myself, oh, I need this four of those. Please, God, give me fucking four of those, you know? In the beginning, I know for a fact, my boy was racking 60 grand for five shows at the Tempe Impro. That was 450 seats, Tempe Imprope. 60 grand for four shows. Hold on, 450 times four is what? 1800?

But there's theaters that are 1800. But I'm just talking to it's only 1,800 tickets. He was on the hottest show at the time. Right. So you were either paying the money to go see him for being on the show or for being a stander, but you paid. I still remember him going, come on with doing this because I just picked up $60,000.

Right. At the time he took us to a fucking commercial shoot, they were giving him $100,000. And he had the money to negotiate me and Ari first class ticket to the hotel. And they gave us like $500 each, I'm like, okay, what he wants to do? Nothing. Just sit there, talk shit with me all day.

You maybe worked eight minutes. Wild. Eight minutes. And then you look at that shit. Now, I've done a thousand movies and TV shows, trust me, I've never made that per episode. No. Far from that.

Far from that. But that's the money you can make, guys. So when, if you're a young comic and you're listening to me, there's a lot of money in it and everybody's looking for the shortcut everybody's looking for the kill tone and everybody's looking for this and I appreciate that but if you do this correctly

the way it says in the manual and the manual is how you control it this is endless and especially now where it's not just stand-up you're opening up 18 doors you might show your feet

and some shoe company wants to make a size 15 and there you got you're the next fucking shack. I mean, shit like this is happening every day. So today I put, you know, today I even posted that. Because I've been thinking about that shit. I'm like, hey, motherfuckers, it's Monday.

And there's gold on those streets. There's gold on those streets. There's gold on those streets. It's just, it's a little harder to find now. And once you get it, you got to charge more because they're charging. Everybody's fucking charging more. That's true.

So we're living in a different. time and everything is a fucking, what's that the late call football? An audible. Everything is an audible, guys. George, you live by audibles. If it wasn't for audibles, they'd mean no George.

Some people enjoy audibles. I don't mind the good audible, but I know sometimes I've got to change my shit up. And that's it. You know, this is it, guys. People aren't making that type of money. This fucking knucklehead, they act.

His wife, he's making money from podcasts. His wife goes, thank God, you can stay home and stop shooting movies. You're making way more money on a podcast than what you are doing movies. This is Jason? What's the, no, no, Jason, whatever the fuck. Batman. Jack Shep has got to be making more than he ever made. And he doesn't have to take another TV show down because that dude took down more shows than anybody.

They put him on everything and everything. And then he went and did steroids and, you know. He did? Look at him. He was a skinny little guy the whole time. I met him to run as easy 15 fucking years ago. Now he's all tatted up and he's getting, I guarantee. Oh, he's making a ton from that podcast.

Tons of fucking money. And guys, these are all the years. I don't know what you, you know, you could sit there and scratch your ass and keep waiting for the blue bird of happiness. But that motherfucker got shot like eight years ago the blue bird of happiness. What's the, I'm just,

what's the dude on ESPN, the old punter? Pat McAfee. He went from making, and he was a good punter. But yeah, you're right. He just signed a $100 million. And people thought he was crazy because he was doing it by himself. And then he took less money to go to, and now he's like the star. He's so much more successful as a podcast or as a host now, I guess.

That's crazy. Well, there's a thousand opportunities out there. So don't turn anything down. Try everything. As a young comic, you should try everything. I mean, you think getting, your stupid fucking jokes and putting them on Instagram every day. There's a thousand people doing that.

We got to figure a different fucking outlet. And there's a thousand people on YouTube too. So, Joy, what do you do? I don't know. Go on fucking Facebook deep. I don't know. I don't know what's next. You know, you got to be doing something that nobody else is doing just to get noticed.

That's so hard to find now. And then something's got to take you over the top. So once I notice you, I'm going to type your name in and I'm going to go, oh, he, was on, he did this or he did that. Let's make a mental note to go see him next time. But it's, we're all chasing the same nickel.

Me, you, fucking Josh Wolfe, Martin Lawrence, we're all chasing the same nickel. Take that to the bank, motherfuckers. I'll see you cock suckers Wednesday night at the improv,

August 7th to 8th, and Atlantic City. What do you got? This Wednesday night, I'm headlining at Cap City. And then Friday and Saturday, I'm at Big Laughs in Fort Worth. Very excited for Texas. Fort Worth, Texas. If you're in Austin, Texas, go catch Lee Wednesday night.

He's a good man. You'll have a good time. Take him to get good food. Don't let his instincts ruin his adventure. This idiot will probably end up at a Waffle House. And I'll fucking stabbing the fucking neck 18 times. You're a member of the church. Get it together.

The church lives at Waffle House. No, they don't. Yes, they do. No, they don't. Only the creepy church. We're missing tea and people like that. No. You're a class act and you're a Jew.

Amazing people. Act like it. You're a class act and you're a Jew. Act like it. God damn. I'm going to go to what's the barbecue place? I want to hear it. What's a barbecue place?

I want you to the taco stand every night. I'm going to have somebody out there. Wednesday and Tuesday night to see if you go by that taco stand. Of course. At 930, 10. By yourself, walking down the street wobbling with that Dracula look. I want to see that tomorrow with an edible in you. That's the only way to go to Austin, Texas on a Tuesday night.

Because the place will be fucking rocking. So make me a promise, I don't care. I was going to have barbecue, but I don't get barbecue. There's always what. You're 18 excuses by the time it comes back. I'll post it on my Instagram. How dare you? He got mad at me.

I wanted to get dumplings the one time. I wanted lamb. They had lamb and the barbecues. and the barbecue places. Well, it's shitty fucking lamb, right? How dare you? Stick to the brisket, like regular American people. I want the halapeno cheddar sausage.

The who? The jalapeno cheddar sausages they have. Where? What's the barbecue place? Texas, whatever. Terry blacks. They have the jalapeno cheddar sausages, and the one in Fort Worth had no line.

You know what? You don't have to go to Austin and the jalapeno cherry sausage. I got it right here for you. Between my legs, Gucksuck, suck. Isn't spicy? Like a motherfucker. I won't clean.

I got an old man piss. So all I got to do is throw some salt. Well, it's a different flavor to it, but we can spice it up for you if you like it. I love you guys. See you next Monday. Tuesday. Tuesday. Stay black.