The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - Ari Shaffir Returns!

Episode Date: April 20, 2026

The triumphant return of Ari Shaffir to The Church of What's Happening Now for a special 420 episode! Ari and Joey are their usual wild selves talking getting Joe Rogan drunk on stage, their shared love of torturing people,  and battling as a comedian.   Show Notes Order a bouquet of roses & get another bouquet free @ http://1800Flowers.com/JOEY Support the show and get 20% off your first Lucy order with code CHURCH at https://www.lucy.co/CHURCH

Kick this motherfucker, me oldie. What's happened, you bad motherfuckers? It's the church of what's happening now. What is it? New Testament. New Testament. It's Monday 420, so if you got them, spark them. You know what I'm saying?

It's a beautiful day to be alive. We got my man Ari Shafir, the world fucking traveler. Buddy, I haven't seen you in so long? I know. We got a little, you know, the Jewish fucking bomb of death. A what? The bomb of death. That's another new one.

tour, bro. I want to call Netanyahu's Hitman. Oh, I like it. All we're going to get is, bro, that tour would sell. The Hitman tour? I want to do it. Netanyahu's Hitman. Me and three Jews.

We're going to leave out one market, but. Me and three Jews. I like it. I like it. The protests will sell us tickets. We could do arenas. You would like to get protested? Yeah, then people know.

As long as I'm making money. As long as it works out, Joey Dia is at this place. Listen, all I know is this. And George was there with me. 71, whatever, 87, 88. Brian Bosworth was the most hated man in the world. Right. And he got those fucking masks.

When you went to a stadium, you bought $10 for this mask that said, I hate Bosworth or his face or whatever. One day, one of the announcers goes, look at these people. They all have the Bosworth, like we hate you. Yeah. But Bosworth owned the company. Right, but times were different.

That's really fucking smart. They're selling tickets. They're making all the announcements on all the blogs. Like Joey Diaz performing, we got to get down there. Where and when? 7.30 p.m. on Friday. You're organizing the protests? Yeah.

We're going to get one. We're going to get, fucking, and that's exciting. People. Then we'll do the show in the park. That's right. We'll just, the show's been canceled. Fuck it. Refunds, but we're doing it in the park.

And then one day, Obama goes off. And then CBS talks in. Some lady from, I'm here with Netanyahu's hip, man. I don't know what that means. That's something. fucking prize act guy. That is a great name for a toy man. That's a fucking great tour.

Let a bomb the place. It'll open the doors, free tickets. And there ain't no way we're going to not sell tickets. We're not going to get boycott it. It's freedom of speech. People could do whatever the fuck they want. It's the people that are going to understand

the abortion people. Right. Those chubby ladies that already had three abortions, now they've got to move on to hating Jews and shit. You know what I'm saying? They're going from abortions to hating Jews? We'll give out free abortions.

We'll get them all. It's like last week I saw that fucking thing in Austin. They hated everybody. Who? Who? What? I saw this. I'm leaving the Thompson. Yeah. And you know, you got to walk up to the 6th Street and make a left. I'm right. And as I'm starting to walk, I got the edibles in me and shit. And I'm hearing, pocket, ding, gink, get the, I'm telling guitars. Everything is off tune. Everything is off tune. And I look up and it's coming down that hill.

Just fucking boom, boom, boom, bum drums, bunch of dirty white people. 50, 60 of them at tops. They didn't even have that much support. But it was funny because they had a big banner. Israel must be bombed. Stop the bombing in Iran. They're still talking about Palestine. They hate Cubans.

Nobody gives a fuck about Ukraine anymore. It wasn't. No, no, no. Ukraine's done. Dog, it's so many things. It's not me, Crane. It's Ukraine. It's just our society.

We just go from week to week. That's popular. Look, you have not heard of that fucking cunt's mother. She's dead. All right? Dead. I told you this six weeks ago on this fucking podcast. The today show host, whose mother was missing.

Dead! And nobody gives a fuck. Every once in a while on World News, they get like, oh, an amazing, whatever. Up date. A man to guttee. They found like a paper bag. Listen, she's dead. What the fuck are you waiting on?

Can you imagine being at home with a picture of your mom? Now, listen. somebody's got to come over and go listen it's over just pull the plug go to social security get your checks she's done eight weeks nine weeks 10 weeks yeah she's just gonna walk right back oh i missed the train no she's dead some mexicans gotta fucked her in the ass she's probably in one of those raffles in mexico yeah like those if you like 60 year old she's walking around all fucked they got like Stallone's daughter and fucking in rambo the final fucking count down What do you think?

Young guys don't go there for some old Mexican twat? Fucking thing is busted open. It looks like a fucking one of those coconuts on from those umbrella motherfuckers in L.A. Yeah. What do you think they do with these old people? What do I think I fucking, I don't even want to go on that. I never once thought they did that.

What? I never thought they brought them to brothels. Old men brothels. Like old people don't want to fuck a young girl. That's a young girl to them. Yeah. They're fucking. years that are dying a fucking 60 year old.

That fucking side of salami opens up. It looks like a fucking, fucking missile from hitting the fucking snatch. There's no obscene island anymore. They got to go to the black market. And the curtains drip. After 50, the curtains drip. That noodle drips.

It's like they took the rod out of the fucking curtain. That's the fucking thing. Like, it don't work anymore. Yeah, so it's a whole different avenue here. All balls drop. What do you think happens to that pussy? I never thought about it. It drops.

Oh. ugly dragon. Like our balls drop. And it's cleaner than ever. Once I get to 50, that pussy's clean. There's no more condoms, no more Arab dick at the fucking 7-Eleven. It's just straight up. Aren't condoms good?

Huh? Aren't condoms good? No, because they leave film inside the monkey. They fuck a monkey up. You ever go down on a girl and it smells like a condom? And you're like, where is she? Where to fuck? What cologne does she have?

Rubber. Condom? What the fuck is this shit? Oh my God. What else? What's going on? I know your storyteller show came out last week. Like a motherfucker.

So I did do it all my shit myself. Again, as always. Yeah. Nothing changes. Yeah. I don't know. Back in America, just found out about this lady, Kathy Gifford's mom.

You just found out? Legitimately right now. Good for you. It don't matter. Yeah. I was like, what? Dead. I didn't know she was alive.

I didn't know she was alive just as I'm finding out she's dead. And we're all going to find out this year what really happened. Guthrie came home. She called a suck on a dick. Something happened. The own daughter stabbed her in the neck. And she's on TV with the picture of the old hag. Give me a fucking break.

She got it locked up in the basement. Look, listen, I'm 63. I've told every story. Yeah. And I've heard every story. So as soon as you hear it, You just, this is the same shit over. It's hard to disappear now.

Like, isn't it crazy? Like, there's so many cameras. It's so crazy how people fucking disappear. This is what I've always thought about. Because Arizoned agree with me. Okay. And no disrespect to nobody in this fucking planet. Let's talk about the Italian mom.

The biggest bunch of dummies you ever saw in your fucking life, okay? All right? Because I know you hate this shit too, okay? They were burying bodies and nobody ever caught him. until they started ratting on each other. And it's right out here in the sea caucus, a little lie. You put them in there. You fucking bury them.

What's going to? I got a place in Seacoccus. I could drop ten motherfuckers all. And then I're not going to find you because nobody goes in those bushes. If you go on those bushes to bring a body, you're going to get bit by something. It's like law and order. The first two minutes is like they're in Central Park. Go further out.

You're a fucking idiot if you leave the Central Park. But you killed them in Central Park. Fair. I can't see you putting up a stiff on your neck. to the Hudson River. But... Let the tide take it. You think about that.

And people get caught all the time now with stupid shit. Sammy the Bull. I don't know how many people he buried. Take your cell phone with you. Mistake. Take the cell phone out of his pocket. Burry him alive. You got to make sure they don't come out of that grave.

Yeah. That's why they shot that dude and good fellas. Ah, Jimmy. Jimmy. Bah, pa, pa. They shot him like eight fucking time. Oh, they stabbed them, too. Yeah, they put the Malook on them.

They don't want to come back. And all you got to do is stab, bro, this is why I love narcos. Narcos blew it open with the violence. The episode of Mexico, episode two, when... Season two? The fucking government goes after one of the families. And the two guys, the two little short guys on the show, are like, fucking... We're killing the government.

And then he set up a fucking bash. That was brilliant. And the government came. he had a wedding and the government came and these two guys were there with guns out. The guy said, tell your fucking bulldogs and one guy pulled out of gun. And he's like, listen, he goes,

today you try to pull a move on me. You went to their house because the envelope was light and you shot their family. Well, today we gave you another light envelope and let me tell you what happened. Again, you sent your bulldogs. But this time, we were ready for them. And he goes, specifically the guy that killed his family

He took him, dog, he fucking hit him in the stomach with a crowbar, shot him in the knee, and then threw him in a hole, and just started throwing dirt on it. Whoa. And you stabbing them one lung, so they really got to, that's it. And you just throw dirt, you bury them alive. The deep jungle.

How would you bury them alive? Huh? Why would you leave them alive? Because they ain't getting out of there if I shoot you in the knee. You're not crawling out of there. Oh, you mean why not just kill them? Yeah. If they're stabbing the lung with a pencil,

you're not walking out of there either. You're going to blow, and that's it. You've got to be really mad at someone to bury him alive. Yeah. You've got to be extra mad. And you wouldn't be anxious at all?

Like I'm wondering if someone, like an ambulance drove by. Like, that guy needs to do more mushrooms. When you're going, you're going, okay? That's why I love the, a movie everybody should watch

at least once if they're into filmmaking is the godfather. Because there were so many little things they got right. When Michael goes in that bathroom, and he pulls the gun out. What are you here? Fucking train.

Let me tell you something. I was a George one day, right? And George told me where his neighbor lived and I kicked the door down. When you kick a door down, all that's beautiful on TV. But when you kick a door down and you go in there,

everything is heightened, bro. You go deaf. Your adrenaline gets so high that you go deaf. At one point, you just hear, B, and your heart's just going. your heart's just going. The adrenaline's got you.

You go death. During all those things, you go, I mean, like, UFC fighters in the beginning, they don't hear the fucking audience. I couldn't run. It was my basketball I couldn't hear anything. No, you. They do chance for you, and you're like,

I didn't know. I didn't know, because your mind takes you somewhere. It's called a fight of flight. All right? But the same thing when you do a crime. If I got you in the trunk of my fucking car, and I got to drive you to sea caucus,

you know, that's got to be anxiety like a motherfucker. And then I got to pull over, pick up your chubby juice. Now you added 100 pounds in water when you die. So it's me by myself pulling you. You land. I got to dig you. And then I got to leave you there.

Dig. Put somebody because you don't want to take somebody because that's two dudes with a secret. Right. So you got to dig it. You got to dig that fucking hole. You better dig that when they shot Spider. You better dig this fucking hole. So I just think about it.

You thought a lot about. killing people. Yeah. My God. You have a plan. Dog, I had an ex-wife. I had a stepdad. That was a motherfucker. And I used to plan shit.

Like, I do co- It's a good way to escape. It's like, how would I really do it? Let yourself believe it. Like, how would I get rid of the body? How would I take them? That's the truth. I mean, it's just, listen, I don't think I could chop a body up.

Okay. Like those animals in Brooklyn did, the DeMeo crew. I can't chop a body up. So what are your other options? Take them to the woods. Listen, man. Trunk. If somebody did something really bad to you.

Cut you off and tried. They raped your sister. No. Worse. They touched your niece. Something that the court's never going to solve that problem. Yeah, they're going to get the guy time, but the damage that that motherfucker did to your child or your wife or your cousin. And now what?

Now what? So now you've got to time yourself. You got to give yourself a three-year window. and drive by his house once a year and throw a fire bomb just to remind him. And then one day on the way to work, just scoop him up, shoot him. And the guy was involved in all those people are involved in other shit. So you're not really going to be looked for three years later. You think it'll be like someone else might have done it.

He was involved in a drug deal. Anything could have happened. Yeah. Anything could have happened. He was involved in drug dealing. Whatever the fuck he was involved in, you know, it's scary. And dog, I was at a point. my life where in

1994 to 95, I'll even add 93 to that. The tail end of the 93, all of 94, and half a 95, I went to sleep thinking about murdering somebody. And that's not a good situation.

And I remember one day I just broke down because of what I was carried. I wanted to kill this bitch. I want to slice a tongue out. I was going to tie it to a tree and rub her with honey. The ex? Yeah, because the bears get you in Colorado. There's no fingerprints. There's no DNA.

Like I said last night on stage, they leave an elbow, and the elbow don't got a vent on it. So they just throw it back. They just throw it back, nice and chewed. You know, it's just a... And I know there's people that relate to this. They got a boss that fuck with them.

Didn't they make a movie about an assistant beating up his agent? Remember, he tied him up the fag. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Kevin Spacey. Kevin Spacey and all that shit. Swimming the sharks. Yeah.

Swimming of sharks. Man, what a good movie that was. People. Oh, I have, I've had different dreams. Before we knew. Like, I have people I want to punch, but then there's people, like, if, like, let's say everything in your life that could possibly go wrong or wrong, you're going to kill yourself. I have, like, then I'm, on my way out, I'm getting a couple people.

There's people I want to kill, and there's people I just want to maim, so they live a fucked-up life after I get my hands out. Oh, just cut their brain here. There's one guy specifically. that I dream about catching him in the city and fucking piping them, shooting them in both kneecaps, shooting them in a hand like Jesus so he can have a whistle,

and then pull out of a high caliber gun and just blow off his other fucking hand for being a fucking thief. I think about that motherfucker all the time. Blowing off his hand with a high caliber, putting it back, pulling out a fucking 32 or 45 and blasting holes. and his kneecap, both his hands like Jesus,

and then put the gun in his fucking eye and tell him, you miserable fuck. And you take him to a state of fucking Gandhi. Like man on fire style? And you spit on him and walk away. Live with it. And that motherfucker breaks down. You just break down as you.

That's it. That was your spiritual. I'll never do that again. I want to kill people's relatives to get back. What? I'm going to kill people's loved ones. You know? Loved ones.

Yeah. Take away. Take away what's closest to them. Kill their daughter in front of him. Kill their wife in front of him. Shit like that. Really hurt him. You did this. And then push him off a cliff.

When I wanted to kill my wife, he was a scenario if I broke into the house. I was going to tie him up. Ooh. Stab him a little bit. Cut him up a little bit so they could bleed. Like just not stab, but. Cut. And then while he's alive, just cut his fucking dick off.

Right in front of him, put in his fucking mouth. while the dick is still shaking, like Elena Bobbitt in 93. It's flopping around like a fish. That dick is still bopping around. You put it right in its fucking mouth and shoot him in the head, then have a long talk with her. Uh-huh. And you know where the next bullet goes, right in her dirty snatch.

And then right in her fucking head, like a coup de tour, whatever they call that, the coop dala, whatever. When I shoot somebody in the head and kill her. The coup de gras, there's coop de gras, whatever the fuck it is. Coopterville. And just walk out. That was my dream. But I didn't want a killer in the house because I would have.

DNA. I'm Cuban. I got the Cuban dust. The whole thing. You don't think DNA goes outside? So I wanted to grab her. It was Colorado. I wanted to grab her in Boulder or something like that. Listen, they never caught John Bonnet killers. John Bonnet. That's right. Ramsey's killer. They would have never caught me because Boulder's not prepared for that. You wait until they're on a hike. Even if they would have arrested me on a fucking, because they thought it was me, as long as my hands were clean and that weapon was done.

and I had a guy in Colorado that was like if I give him a gun he ain't going to ask no question he knows exactly what to do with it they knew exactly what to do with that gun that gun goes home into a fucking Boulder River and nobody ever sees it again or whatever the fuck take it on vacation which I don't give a fuck and pull an OJ put the gun in Chicago

when he got there however to fuck whatever he did with the knife right you know even him. They went right to him, but they couldn't put the pieces together. He had a high-powered attorney, so they destructed it, and they didn't catch the most important thing, the fingerprint. In the OJ trial, if you really look what happened, it happened over the weekend. And on Sunday night, they were there, and all of a sudden it started raining. So the fingerprint they had, the rain killed it. And then from there, you just go.

And then he hired that A-team, which cost us. him 55 million probably. He had four gangsters. He had that white Jew. He had two Jews. No. He had the white gangster. Yeah, who was the other one? I forget what type of attorney was. He fucked one of

them too. He fucked one of their wives. Yeah, that was one of the Kardashians is OJ's kid. Yeah, they said that he's his kid. But no, it was a four-man dream team. Yeah, what? It was a black guy. Toddy? No. Bailey and another white guy. Look it up.

I read him in Bailey. F. Lee Bailey? No. Yeah, Flee Bailey. Flee Bailey. And there was a white dude that is fucking brilliant. He's the one that saved the case. He argued.

He's tough. He's rough, you know, like he's... No, I said he's killed. Ronald Goldman. Yeah, he got... That's the original catching strays. Not Ben Shapiro. I just told you it wasn't Shapiro.

It's another white guy. They brought him in, and that guy cost, I just told you. If a glove, if a glove does not fit, you must have quit. Well, that was the young. That was the black dude. I'm talking about. Alan Dershowitz. No, no.

He's a Jew, old Jew. He was on that team, too. Barry Sheck, Peter Newfield? Barry Check. Barry Check. That dude, if you have him as your fucking attorney, he just sit there with a grin on your face, drawing pictures of Mickey Mouse.

Because you already know the outcome. He's going to fuck him up. Imagine hiring that. guy and you're like hey dude just so you know I did it and he's like it's gonna cost you but I'll get you off did you have like a dream list of lawyers like you wish you could have hired like it sounds like you really like check he doesn't even want to get caught he's not going to trial right I like but right the way the fingers are going to point at me in a situation like that right so you got to get a good lawyer so you know you just got to get you can't get one lawyer you need

three minds. That's great. My day was just one lawyer. You have a co-pilot sitting there. Listen, the Yankees win World Series is to have a high budget. The DA and the city DA and the federal DA, they're never going to match what I'm going to pay

these fucking animals. They're going to out with them. They're going to out with them. I got three of these animals and one of them's got the vitamins I need. Okay? One of them has the vitamins you need. You have to, and I hate to say, because people are going to start, you have to, I swear to God,

you have to trust the judicial system. And sometimes it wins and sometimes it loses. With me, it fucking lost. Because they wanted to sentence me for the full term. I plea bargain down the secondary burglary. They gave me four years, but it was a state law, 1,200 would cut the sentence in that happen for first time offenders. It was like stealing.

Two years. They cut it to two years. I already done two months in county, which is four months. So 24 months minus four is 21 months. 18 months, you're eligible for a halfway house. At 16 months, you already go to a halfway house unless you're a fucking savage. But pretty much, like, so when I got there, I was like ready for county, like 90-day work release. They wouldn't allow it.

But I was still very happy because I went from 48 months. with four months to 24 months with four months off. And then I had a month waiting to go to the system. That's two months. So when I got there, it was like stealing. And then on top of that, my point system, you'd be surprised how many criminals don't have driver's license. You'd be surprised how many of them don't have jobs at the time of the arrest. You'd be surprised on how many them don't have a high school diploma.

First thing I did, after all those years, when I got arrested, I went and got my high school diploma. in prison? No, no, no, when they let me out on bad. George was there. I went and got my high school diploma. I threw the cocaine away, and I started going to a college like a student. Threw it away?

It did not. I was still snorting. Okay. You know. You got rid of it. That's a different story. Throw it away. When you get that, on top of that,

I have to have a point system. So when you subtract, did you live with your family? Oh, right. Did you have a job at the time of your record? you have a driver's license. Did you have a high school diploma? There was like eight or nine questions.

At the end, you got like a minus two or whatever. I was already eligible for a fucking halfway house. So I was against the grain and it worked in my way. Now, if I get in trouble again, it's not going to be that way. The law gave me a pass, which meant don't come back. Right. I got the hint. We cut you a lot of grief, kid.

Now, don't come fucking back. And that's the message I got from it. You never got close again? I got arrested again, but never got tossed in jail. After 88, I got arrested probably. I had arrested six times in Seattle in 18 months. We're running a crime syndicate up there. We're fucking...

How did they not get you? We had Josh Wolf, Robin, saves and shit. So you didn't get the message right away. Yeah, he didn't get the message. That's not telling me you got the message at all. We fucking... Listen, I still remember... 18 months.

I still remember. That's a Colorado message. Exactly. I still remember. You get to the halfway house. First of all, you have to wait by the gate at the prison. And then the bus comes and they take you to the halfway house. Yeah.

I had a car pick me up. I have my girlfriend pick me up. Drive me to the halfway house. I pulled over, Gabriel, stabbing doggy style. And this two-door Mazda she had, the blue Mazda right on the highway. I'm like, I ain't waiting for this. I went to the halfway house. I went to the halfway house.

and you go in and they go, listen, you have three hours to go get your personal belongings. For me, that meant you got three hours to get an eight ball and get back here. I was snorting the first night. I got on belongings. And I went to my friend's house, and he told me I'll leave a baseball for you,

but he left the bag over here open. I clipped an extra three and a half. I went to that, and then I was weighing it. It got to the point I was in there weighing it, selling it. Like by the first week. In the halfway house? Listen to me. I'm in a seven-man room.

And I don't know. You don't really know how the old packaging was. But the old packaging was a bendal. You open it. You open it. It's a triangle. And in the middle, you snort your Coke, and then you put it back. Okay?

When I went to get the Coke and I was going to sell it, I had the scale on the top bunk. I'm on the top bunk of this fucking thing, okay? And I get up on the bunk, and here I am. I'm taking the eight ball of Coke and I'm putting it into whatever and all of a sudden one of the guys coming to go, Joey, they're doing a security sweep.

When I went to close the bendel, the bindle went backwards and all the coke shot up into the air all over the carpet and there was a black carpet. So I had to get out my... Lee, wake up. I had to get out of my hands and knees. It's 420, motherfucker. I like the attitude.

I had to get on my hands and knees and pick up each rock. The dust I lost, but I picked up like eight rocks. rocks were sitting in the room, they both walk in, and they're like, what are these rocks on the floor? And the other guy goes, the ceiling. Something was wrong. At that time, we really did have one of those ceilings that was bat. You know, when they shoot it and it has like, like that, like that wall right there.

It was similar to that. And they just walked out. And I was like, oh, shit. You had so many close calls. So many, like, uh-oh, that could have gone. And don't, no, don't. These are close calls when you're in the red zone. Remember, there's a close call.

Like, I went in there one night. Again, on Fridays, I would go walk in there with an eight ball quarter-outs because I knew they'd be waiting for me. And there's one particular Friday night. Girls were on the first floor. And there was like six of them, but three of them were smoking. There was one that was like a high-level, Cosmee thief, like a perfume thief.

She just destroyed like Gimbles or Macy. She took every fucking thing. No, no, no. I'm not talking about this bitch was taking back orders and getting them shipped to a different warehouse. No, no, she told me, she goes, no, I was, she had, even when she got out of prison, she had the fucking shoplifting? No, she was like, she was a manager at a place,

and she would take shipments to all the warehouses and go sell the fucking whole shipment, shoes, whatever the fuck it was. But this bitch still, she goes, I got six years, but I managed to keep my wardrobe. This bitch was still banging tall, really pretty girl. There was another chick that was crazy, that was dating, a guy was in the halfway house with. They were both in the system together.

Okay? Now, we were friendly. We all had to go to group meetings, and we talk. And one Friday night I walk in, and you have to sign in when you walk in, and they give you a folder. When I opened my folder, there was a note. Yeah.

You got a couple messages there. There was people saying, don't forget to stop in my room. Like, Joey, bring me the chicken cutlet sandwich. Joey, do this, but what they wanted me to do is stopping their room to sell them cope. Wow. So I'll never forget.

I walk in the building, they search you. I got the eight ball in my nut sack. And then I walk and I go to, let me go to Patrice Twining's first. I walk down that alleyway. Now the office is there. And these are the girls' rooms. It's like a little cafeteria area. And then the last two rooms, a girl's room.

And it's like three girls in the room. I knocked on the door and Patrice opens the door with her big fake tits popping out like lingerie. And I go, what the fuck? She goes, I need a gram, but I ain't got no money. go, fuck it. And I just went into the doorway like this. Our roommates were eating cereal on the couch and shit and she's sucking my pipe. I'm not looking into the hallway because the cops are right over there. So they can see you not doing anything? They can see just see this half your body. They thought I was just talking. I had my hand on the thing like to make believe I was just leaning

on it talking, but it's the wrong fucking hand. Look at me. I'm trying to I'm supposed to lean this way. It was insane. And then after that, me and her had this little, little crazy a fair, I would pop in some nights and she'd be banging. I'd just take her. And like I said, there was a little pantry where they had frozen foods and TV dinners. I took her in there when they bent her over. No condom. I'm dying and just gave her a stat.

Damn. The halfway house was fucking insane when I was there. I switched the air conditioners from the conference room to my room. I got put it from a six-man room to a three-man room. But you got to take the top bunk. I couldn't take it. So I took the guy under me and I loaded the cigarettes with fucking those things that when you light up, the cigarette. Explodes, yeah.

I used to do those. I used to fuck him up. Freddie soda, everybody. I'd wait until somebody borrowed a cigarette. And I'm like, yeah, here. And I were just like, I haven't turned over already. That was my favorite one on Magic Store. The Magic Store, yeah.

Magic Store. We got one with Freddie and me and Renazisi were in the back watching. We knew he had it. And he was on stage. He was like, everyone in front of his head. Perfect. Took him seven minutes to light it up. He kept doing this.

He kept going like, actually, you know what? And just not lighting it. We're like, come on, fucking light it already. He keeps talking, doing whatever. And then he's like, you know, actually, and he just keeps not lighting it. 10 minutes in, finally he lights it.

It's like, and then another thing, boom. I mean, it's that loud. I didn't know what that thing. It just explodes. I'm a professional. I got a toothpick. Yeah, you can take it way out. Bore it into the middle,

so they get comfortable with the cigarette. You had a couple hits. You had a couple hits first. Then there's some guys, you neutralize the cigarette. Like, you put one, two in the middle. And then one in the beginning, so they just blow up together, that's priceless. Listen, you just fill a pack of cigarettes and give people cigarettes and take your chances. Dude, they are.

It throws people off because they're like, what the fuck? And then I see everybody laughing and there's a moment of anger like, what did you do? Yeah. They ought to either be cool with it or they're just dorks. Oh, my God. I used to love. You didn't pay for the cigarette. Motherfucker.

I'm 60. I still got to get those again. I would die to stop. on the way home and get 10 tins cigarette loads. Oh my gosh. Just give them out in the city and just watch people blow them. Dude, I get the homeless guys in Tompkinscred Park easily.

Easily. Hey, we're having fun today. Listen, if you're all you're on this. You got a Cuban cigar and load like eight of them in the middle. Wow. And give it to somebody and they're like, yeah, Gobo. They're talking Italian and shit. And that motherfucker blows. You know what I'm going to do it to Bobby Kelly.

We'll have a cigar soon. This will be out for it. Yeah, today's 420. He won't watch this. No. He's too much of a family man. I'll get him tomorrow. I'll get him tomorrow. Yeah, we're into a cigar.

That's how it is in the old the cartoon days. Just goes like that. It's like a demigorgia. I used to do some crazy shit, man, with those things. I don't even know how I discovered them. I just found them one day and I'm like,

anything like that, devious, that's my world. Hollywood costume and magic. That's where they had them. Hollywood costume and magic. Oh, that was on Hollywood Boulevard. Yeah. But then I had the one over the weeds. store in Studio City, the one on the second floor, and I would go up there and buy them.

I bought them out. I didn't live in Studio City then. I lived in Hollywood. This is like 90. No, 90. This is like 2000. I didn't have the store one night. I didn't have to somebody at the store.

I think it was Peter Chen. It's always Peter Chen is wild. I hit him with the car and he never came back. This guy was just as awful. Asian comic, Missy lights him because he was just like, he had a funny accent. I mean, beyond awful. But he's around 15 years. So he's like, I've been here longer than anyone.

I should get spots. I'm like, yeah, I know. But, you know, this guy didn't get spots. He's great. He'd be here 12 year. I'd be here 15 year. I should get spot over him. Sorry.

Wow. Mitsy hated him. She just tortured him. He let everybody torture him. He was so cheap. He would have to move his car up. Like, can you move a car up? And he'd go, yeah.

And he's from fucking rural China. He just opened the door and push it. forward. Somebody must have sucked his dick once. Somebody must have suck Peter Chen's dick one time. Otherwise, why would you keep coming back? LeMay. La Mare.

La Mare. No way. You know, already, somebody posted on the comedy store. They posted like a vignette. Okay. And the second vignette was a chick, a hot girl, walking out of the OR coming down the Sunset Boulevard. And when they opened the door,

it's a picture of you young young really young on the steps or something on what are the steps up to the belly room no no no this is coming out to sunset

when you're walking to the original room and you pay and it was you yeah Ralphie oh really oh my god Ralphie was the one one he's like making a milkshake whatever the fuck he's doing

what bastard he was always making a milkshake in his head Yeah Rest in fat He's somewhere eating two full pizza pies Looking down on us I hope if heaven exists You get to eat whatever you want

Ralphie There's those podcast now that does this But Ralphie just did it in reality It was one of each please Yeah He'd go to a restaurant and just go Right here but they cut you off There's the hot chick

There's Ralphie Oh look at that picture Look at that headshot. Yeah, Jimmy Schubert. I don't know who the fuck that is. Wait, in the middle? Yeah. That's me.

Is that you? That's me in the middle. Come on. Let me see. No, that's not you, dog. You better get your fucking glasses fixed. That's me, buddy. That's me, Rex and Renazizi.

Oh, shit. Renazisi's shrewing me. He looks young, too. He hasn't lost a fucking ink of hair. I fucking told you. The only one that looks worse theirs. Well, Rafi looks the same. But the rest of us, Renazzi, he looks close.

You know, I was looking. with that picture before you came in and never mind all this shit that happened. New York City, the storyteller show, films, bullshit. Think of what we were doing at the store right now 20 years ago. It was so... And how we were living. Wild. It was so wild.

That's why the storyteller show came from, from the way we lived. We were like, well, we have them. We got these stories. It was just like, at any moment, if you were going on a lot, The Hoyer comedy store, it was 50-50 if you went to Tijuana to fuckhokers. It was 50-50. All it took was like your drink and someone was like, should we go to T-J? You're like, damn it, why did you say that?

Yeah, let's go. Let's go. And even if you weren't, and then that was 50-50, you might fuck. We know one guy was like, well, I'm getting a fucking butter knife from the, from the condo and taking a, like, dude, you're not taking a knife into Tijuana. Are you nuts? Dude, it was so fun. I mean, there were so many places to fuck.

And even the kids who didn't fuck, like the young guys were like, I can't, but it brought people for all walks a lot. I was an Orthodox Jew eight months earlier. There's all these like religious Christians, degenerate orphans, all coming together. And so some of us are like, I don't know what this life is, but there'd be animals taking chicks to fuck in side rooms. And the young guys would be like, let's watch them. And so we'd have to try to sneak around to try to like get a glimpse of like any

Griffin fucking or something. We didn't know. You go to the back of the main room. Main room was closed always. and he'd be like he might be right there anybody might be right there and you're like slowly go in nope now he's in either

the girls bathroom the main room bathroom upstairs you gotta slowly go in and we'd look in like Scooby-Doo head over head overhead trying to get I never peeked on anybody I peaked all the time

I never peaked over the bathroom stall you just like you never peaked because you were fucking yeah I was a fucking dork it's the most we had is to watch you fucking

dog let me say it's seen your ass fucking slamming before fucking 97 i've seen joey work it dude i worked i worked i did the right thing though i was just quiet i left i didn't interrupt i didn't interrupt i'm like stop the game i just want to be as you know get good seats you know it wasn't that it was storm the field it was it was the ralphi the drugs thing the drugs do we had a casino for like six months in the main room. None of the Thai bartenders were working. Renazisi got a felt with like an actual, like a felt

that we put on a table. And there were like some, the waitressers come like, there's no bartenders. And they're like, do more hands, do my hands. And then they're like, we need to make the drinks. They're like, nah, nah, I'm on a roll. But like a legit, like for real money. We played casino. Oh, no, for real. Yeah, money.

It was great. We did whatever the fuck we want. She was gone. And so no one was running it. I would love to tell you that. best time period probably for me because I was breaking my teeth. Yeah. That's when you're in there every fucking night, but you got a spot or not.

You're in there hustling, whatever. I thought it was 97 to 2000. I think about it now. It was the whole thing. It was 97 to 2006, and then 2014 to 2020. I was always a regular. I didn't get banned.

I didn't get thrown out of that. I just decided not to go in there. Because it was just, I felt I was done. That's it. Seven years. If you're at, how long are you going to sit at the stand before the managers go, listen,

you've been lurking like a spider for seven years. Time to do something. You got to do something. And that's at any club. If you're at the, if you get the Lexington, let's say you live in Nashville. You do Lexington, Kentucky.

You're going to go in there as a feature, another feature, another feature. You're going to be a 60-old feature. And they're going to call outline you because you're in. hour away for the holidays, Christmas, awesome people request to see you and how they headline you. Then I got to headline you, they're going to headline you 4th of July weekend. Good luck, Christmas weekend. You know, they give the good spots to me, but

they'll give you Friday and Saturday after Thanksgiving. Yeah, you know. January 3rd and 4th. And then another year, now you headline again, and this year you opened for Shane Gillis for New Year's. Right. What's your next step at that club? You gotta get out of there. What's your next step? Yeah. You can't sit down. But why not?

If I was selling out a club every time I went to that city, I'm sure theaters are great. But just for me right now, that the dream would be selling out theater week. Not theater, club weekends. To think that that many people are like that, I like weekends way more than one-nighters. I like one-niters are a great time.

I'm not complaining. Tell them, we used to go out Tuesday through Sunday. That's my favorite. Rumors in Winnipeg? They figured this out. They figured this out. Nobody's coming two weeks in a road to a comedy club. So they book you for two weeks to save on the flight.

And then Monday and Tuesday, there's just hang. Do you do whatever. They have shows. I just, you'd be there from Tuesday until the next Sunday. Yeah. And they have like two for one deals on Wednesday. In Winnipeg.

Who's day through Sunday? That means you got on a plane Monday morning. You came home. you fed the cat, you did laundry, and Tuesday you're back at LAX. I couldn't do that every weekend, but like once or twice a year? That's what it was. Once or twice a year.

That's what it was. Oh, that's what every club had. They wouldn't hire you Thursday through whatever. D.C. Improft used to have, used to have a, you wear a T-shirt, D.C. Improft T-shirt on Mondays, you get him free. And like, Jake Johansson types, they'd be like, yeah, Monday to Sunday. I'm seven days. You have no idea.

That was great. Yeah, for me and for him, with Rogan, but man, you come home for a fucking day. Oh, you can't pay your bills. You're always late payments. You're like, I got the money. I just, I didn't have time to open up the fucking envelopes. You get home on Monday, man, and you do that three weeks. And Rogan always works Sundays. And that's where I got off the boat and shit on Sundays. Where's Joey? He should be here by now. I'm like, guys, I got some bad news for you. What is it? Joey's in Los Angeles. Like, no, we saw him last night in Tampa.

Then Tempe, he was gone. I remember when he told that story and your storyteller show that, you know, the hotel fire. And if you, I don't know if you were there that night. I wasn't there that one. It was Seguer. Okay. And when I came down at the end, with the suitcase,

and I took the elevator and I walked down. They're all running down the steps. And they're like, where the fuck have you been? And also like, all right, the fight, like, for 30 minutes, they stood out there like fucking victims. I'm like, I don't know what you guys are standing. of here for. And they're like, why are you here with a suitcase? Like, oh, I'm waiting for a cat. Yeah, he didn't even know what they were good. And Rogan looked at me with Seguura.

They were like, blown. Where are you going? We're going to work tonight. Not after that. That's my sign. That's it. That's a bad omen. If you didn't get the sign from God, I did. God. The reason I started. Yeah. So wait, you thought the, like, the hotel was on fire and you packed? Tell him. No, he was just like, I'm done with it. It's not no fire. I'm not in a rush. But listen. The fire alarm went off. I'm out. Think about going to your hotel room. We had a great two shows at Cobbs, sold out.

You're going to do a half full Sunday. Remember, we used to go up there and eat those chicken strips. And the guy would say, we're all out of them. And then we went and told the owner and the owner came back with those because we would eat 30 orders of those. We just keep eating. Dude, it's free food. We needed it. We went to one time, we had the guy, Chinatown in San Francisco is one of the legit Chinatowns.

And Joey's like, hey, Tom, I want you to bring me somewhere legit. I want the real shit. Don't bring me to any of these white people's Chinese food. I want authentic. And he goes, I got the spot for you. I know it. And we went down there and it's fucking great. These people are fucking, you know, Mao's nephews work in the back.

And then we're eating and Joey's just pushing his food around. Just like push it around. He's like, Joey, what's wrong? He's like, too authentic. What was it? Yeah, it's got the eyeballs in it still. You're like, I want less eyeballs. Yeah.

It's real. The only thing I ate was a potato pancakes. Yeah. They make their own scallions. Scallion pancakes. Scallion pancakes are good. That place is real. Yeah, San Francisco's a little too real.

We had some good times of the road. The reason I started going, opening for Rogan is because he was such a fuck off. It was 50-50. He was going to be there. Did he, like, antagonize him to get him to leave so he could do time? No, but we used to do this. We used to like, we didn't want to have to go out to a nightclub because Rogan will take us there. We can't get a cab.

We're stuck there for forever. morning. Yeah. In festival in Vegas, we're like, there is no clothes. So, but we're like, if we, if Joe gets drunk on stage, he's just going to want to go eat, which is all we wanted to do. And we're going to push him like, steak, dude, steak. And so he knows if people from the audience sent drinks to Rogan, he's doing shots. So Joey would just go to a waitress and say it's from like one of those tables, set it up. And I'd go to another one, like, say it's from this area, send it up. And then the crowd got, they sent two, three more. Then he's bombed and we're like,

we did it. No club tonight. No club tonight. Go on to get Brazilian steak. I tell. We get him so drunk. He's repeating jokes. Oh, my God.

He's repeating jokes. Oh, my God. In Vegas. Remember when they pulled him on the wheelchair? What? They had to take him out in a wheelchair. How many shots did you send him? All of them.

All of them, darn. It wasn't just me. It was not good. The crowd would get into it, too. Oh, my God. That's right. You forget. You got the cheat code on a lot of people.

You got the cheat code. You figured out how to, like, work them. If somebody in the audience sent him up a drink, like, nice, that's cool. You're like, oh, he relates to that. Okay. So now I'm going to do it. That you got the slate and cheat code. You would always.

Ralphie, when I found out he felt with a stage in Houston. He was so. that he fell through a reinforced stage. With Ralphie, it was a sly thing. You couldn't insult them openly, so you had to work it into something. So I would go, oh, my God, where were you last night? I was home, player.

I was tired. My feet were hurting or whatever the fuck, you know. And then he'd go, wow, what happened? And you say a name. That guy was on the store. He was at the store. He ate a bag of dicks. And all of a sudden you go, like you did that,

the last Monday, player, I didn't bomb, motherfucker. He knew what you're talking about? And after that, you just get him going. I know where you get your information from, playboy, but I didn't bomb. And I just get those guys started. And what I'm doing is an emotion. And to get Rogan started, you've got to piss them off.

For him to go, fucking Joey, I got him. When I broke the computers Remember I slammed Breathman's computer? Yeah, you were done And then I threw it in the fucking wall And Joe, what happened? This motherfucker wouldn't turn the computer off, Joe.

He's like, done, I'm done streaming. I'm done to say to turn it off. He goes, let's just do a little bit. He said, I'm fucking done. If they texted him, they texted Joey Diaz back then. He did not care for that technology. No.

He did not care. And he also didn't know how to turn his fucking buzzer off. So it was just, ping, bing. I told you not to bother me. He would answer the phone on stage. in Kansas City, different time zone. And he just answered, he goes, what the fuck do you think I am in 824 p.m.?

And they're like, I had 6.24. Don't you ever fucking call me on stage. Ooh. And we had the value of going out with him and then we'd go back to the store. That was our training. Sunday nights or Monday was open mic. I would go right back to death.

Go from these beautiful sold-out 300-seaters, crazy audience. I could pause. I could like take my time. Back to the fucking battleground. Cobbs was the most interesting thing. We would sit by the ledge and watch the people in January. You always went up in January.

Because you could see over the time. And it was fucking freezing. And you see people lining up all the way to the top. That's when it was me, Ari, Tate, Eddie, Red Band, and Duncan. Duncan with the fucking Momo with the... Remember, we stayed at the hotel on Fisherman's Wharf that was like a ship. Uh-huh. They had the guy.

I stayed there years later with my wife and kid. Yeah. They had the taffy there and they had the guy who hid behind bushes and scared people. Yeah. Oh, yeah. That guy ruled. I got ruled. And you'd see him once you got, when he got you a couple times, you're like, I'm going to hang out and watch.

He's like, sure. You know, people have no idea how much I owe Joe. Because he introduced me to a complete different way to tour, a different way. a different way to look at things. Look, Friday nights were like nothing at the store in 1997. 120 people. He would work all day, rehearse, and shoot, news radio. And he'd always come in after a 12-hour day on the set for $15.

Yeah. And I go, that's character because people get on a show. They're done. They're not stand-up comics. I did that for a while, but now I'm a TV man. that dude he battled too he'd go right at crowds and they didn't

news radio do you even know what that is no yeah okay it was like the 25th rated show it's fine it was fine it was funny it was very funny but it wasn't like blowing up the charts or anything like that because they kept moving it never had a they fully the guy whose wife killed him yeah NBC

so hard man but bro I watched an episode last week when something was going it sounded like Andy Dick yeah Andy Dick Rogan, that chick. And the guy from the office space. Oh, that's right. That's my same player.

He played the radio. The radio chief. He was the boss. Phil Hartman. And he got guest stars on. Apollo, people like that. But anyway, nobody really watches. He'd come into the store.

And it was a battle for him too. It wasn't like they were like, you're our guy. We'll do anything. Not like podcast time. He had to prove himself every time. And he went to battle. Battle.

He'd see a couple of comics. And he'd be like, fuck, I don't want to do it. And he would just go. That's, I'd be in the cover booths just watching. I'm like, watching heavy hitters go down one after other. And Joe would always just like, you'd see him just kind of go like, no. And then just, I'm getting you guys. It was pretty cool to watch.

And then we'd see it on the road, too. Yeah, there was a couple times where they were like, I think you were there. It's some like Rhode Island, like, boat house. I was there. And they were like, listen, this is a very conservative audience. That's right. You'd probably want to not be too dirty. And I was like I was too new and I was like okay and then I like I was like let me try to be I didn't know how to say no I know what I'm doing

And then I'd see him just be extra filthy and be fine and I'm like that's he just got to stand up for yourself You know a lot of people like oh I stand up sucks now let me tell you something what was the room Vince Vaughanette for you in LA it was before j davis's room before dublins before dublins this was 25 yards and you walk down the stairs. It's still there. They've tried everything. That's where they had the, that's where they had the naked. That's, when I first moved to L.A. was a little corner. You walk deep in there and that's how you got into the bar. But the first thing was a breakfast spot. Yeah. And then it became naked sushi where they put a blonde chick with a pussy out and they put sushi on her. And you had to take pieces off her, sashimi, whatever. I never went there. I love to tell you I went there, but I didn't. But up that room, that belonged to Vince Vaughn.

In 1997, Vince Vaughn was living with Ahmed Ahmed. Oh, yeah. And the other guy, and this was Vince Vaughn's girlfriend. Supposed they broke up, and Ahmed and her got this room. Ahmed couldn't book it. So somebody was booking it. And the guy that ran it was very handsome. He was one of those dudes with long hair,

and the chicks would hang out with him and shit. Kind of like a dick, but not a bad guy. He gave a state time. I saw a prime rogue in there one night. Oh. But I also saw a prime Nick Napollo in there. Prime. 97.

That's what people were proving themselves. Oh, my God. You'd go on stage to prove yourself. It wasn't because of your fame level. It'd be like, like, Dublin's too, especially. You'd be like, I'm going to show these people who I am. That's that people went into show. Oh, there's all these big heavy hitters.

Let me show them up to show that I'm, I belong. It was a different thing then. Every night you're going to prove yourself. The best set ever I saw? No, it's tied. Yeah. I saw two brilliant sets. I saw Stanhope in there one man.

I got to remind me. And I saw Rogan in there. Rogan was on. It was like the perfect set. That's when he did. And Nicole and he still had that set before the first CD. Yeah. This set was on fire.

But one night, Stanhope was headlining. And fucking not. Rogan was there. Now, this is before the weed. This is before anything. And I never forget, Stanhope was fuck fucking wild. Drinking. And at one point, he said he saw his mother's pussy.

And he stepped on it because it looked like a spider or something. Something to that effect. I mean, Stanhope, delivery at that time was priceless. And all of a sudden, I get in the car. Rogan the Supra. And I go, so what did you think tonight? What did you think? And he goes, I don't know about that Doug Stahleb guy.

He drank 16 beers. While he did 45 minutes on stage, he counted the beers. Wow. That's how he wasn't. He was straight. He was still a fighter. He was straight, dog, and he watched it. Three or four drinks, I can't, I can't.

He would watch it. Let's go to a strip club. And he would go to the strip club and come back. because me, Ralphie, and Ricky Cruz wouldn't go. What's the one on sunset down the corner? The one fucking 50 yards. The one that burned down with Jewish lightning?

Yeah, Jewish lightning. The couches were on fire, wouldn't it? There was a bus stop out at the street. That melted. Joey's like, fire doesn't burn like that. I remember I signed with an agency. They don't exist anymore. 20 years ago.

Nice people. But every time it was right across from that strip club. and when I signed with them, you know, I sent them, I called them, somebody referred me, I called them, and he goes, yeah, send me this, and then a sudden he called me, goes, hey, come in for an interview. And I went in there, the receptionist, as soon as I looked, and I'm like, he got this bitch from across the street. Wow. She had, like, dirty blonde, like the blonde hair, that Floridian chicks have. Yeah. You get, like, the one I swapsed, which they have like that.

Oh. They have like that fucking, that color, you know, that blonde. Yeah, the light blonde. What the fuck was I talking about here? You got me all set up. The who? Salute, according you. The receptionist.

So after I signed with him after a few months, the guy who referred me one day called me and he goes, are you going on an audition? I'm like, yeah. They haven't sent me an audition in months. I don't know who's fucking up. The agent or that stripper. And I go, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. What fucking stripper?

He talked about it. He goes, yeah, the girl in the front. He used to get lap dances from her at lunchtime. Middle shit. And he needed a receptionist. And he trained her in the whole thing. But then she didn't fuck him. And then she ended up leaving.

And went to a top management company in the Valley. In fact, Saloo, I was with her. When you and I went to San Francisco for that first weekend, she negotiated. What do you mean? Oh, you were with her. You and I called headline Cobbs in the, very beginning. Oh yeah. Yeah, we did some co-headlining gigs. Yeah, we did Buffalo. We had the shirts with the Del Castro.

Come on. Those things are vintage now. Those are vintage. You're going to see those in 20 years. We did a co-headlining gig in Chicago, our agent figured out. What a fucking Jew this non-Jew was. He figured out, he goes, you just got to sell the story. These guys sell out. So there was a house of blues. That sounds like a real place. In Chicago, 400 seats. Like, you guys can sell that out. And so, like, do co-headline And then other clubs like, why, you sold out of the House of Blues? That's humongous. But the poster was like a card, like two kings, and you flip it upside down.

And it was his face or my face. And it would have pretty cool. Yeah, that Fidel Castro, Joey Diaz smoking with a Jewish shit on it. Oh, I got to find that. We're in a yarmica. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We went overboard. Fidel Castro.

Those shirts went. Those shirts went. Those were good shirts. Fucking wet, like. And, you know, It's, it's, you know how people wear the fucking Che Guevara? I don't even know who's on his chair. Yeah.

You know who the fuck Shay did and what he did. Hey, but I might as well put the dollar on with a yarmica. You know what I'm saying? Why confuse the allies? In 200 years, we're going to find out that's what it was anyway. All right. Anyway, let's just drop that on these motherfuckers, you know what I'm saying? Who's really pulling the strings?

Dude, I listen to the... Ha ha ha ha ha. we had some good fucking times we had good times in the road education of the comedy store yeah sometimes i do sometimes i get you would see human behavior in a way you've never seen before you would see the way customers treated each other as couples you would see how comics was just like it was just the rawest form of life and you would just get just get into stuff make like midnight drives to josh tree for five hours

to do mushrooms and watch the sun come up. Just like on a whim. We were on top of the roof of the comedy store with the fucking rocket launcher, launching fucking water balloons at the sky bar. At the rich fucking, you know, all those fucking people in TMZ, all those hot whatever's,

the 20-year-olds that run Hollywood, we're fucking launching balloons from across the street and down the block. And they explode next to their foot. They look around like, who was that? You don't know it's down the block that's hitting you. And we're just like, do another one. Dude, someone told on us, I don't know who it was.

So the cops start running. I think Eleanor was like, get down. And so we had to run down. The cops were coming up. We hid in Mitzie's little alcove. They went up and then we snuck back out. We had so much fun. You know, right now, if I come to you face to face like a man,

smoke a joint, where you give you some medibles, maybe a shot of whiskey, soften you up. And I say to you, as a comedian, look at it, in my world, where I came from, everything was an accomplishment. Everything was an accomplishment. Everything was an accomplishment. Oh, I get it. Okay?

Because I don't measure the end. I always went by inches. Punch the ball. Inches. I hear you. Inches is what this life's about. Everybody goes for a touchdown. I knew it wasn't going to work for me that way.

I tried it and it didn't work. So now it's a game of inches. You got a fucking fight for every motherfucker fucking thing. But I think about anything I ever did that people go, you should be proud of that. You should be proud of Longish Yard. All that shit was great. But nothing tops.

The education, I got in that place from 97 to 2006. Those were nine fucking years of social and just like on stage. Human behavior, how people acted, how people would go crazy if they didn't get spots, how people acted around Mitchie. You know, and again. Uh-huh, the kissing up, the early, like, early versions of, like, social climbers. Like, whoa. And you saw it.

Oh, Missy, I made you a chocolate cake. Get the fuck out of you. Missy wanted a grandma blows. You don't want no chocolate fucking cake. And Mitsy was wild, too. She was, so, like, they had fat Tuesday. It was the, it was the black night on Tuesday. It was fat Tuesday at the comedy store, PHAT.

Yeah. And then they had the black, then they had, well, not manic Mondays. What was the Mondays one at the, at the flat factory? Chocolate Sundays at the factory. No, no. Something. And I got tell. This was the best lineup ever.

What? It was a great show at the fucking... When I got there, it was Corey. Cory Holcomb? No. The original Corey. He had a name. He was a big radio guy.

And he got developmental deal. He was a regular at the store. And Corey ran a really good-looking dude. He ran Mondays. And I forget what... That was the hottest show. It was three, six, six, minute, one seven minute white act,

then a good white act, like Bill Bird type white act. Yeah. And then it was all black after that. Blacks would always have a couple new, really throw them to the wolves white guys. You have to. That's how I started.

That's how Jay started in Philadelphia. And then on Mondays, you had Latino night. So if you were fucking tip top, because they put white people up there. Yeah. It wasn't just about Spanish. They don't have enough. At that time, not that.

in that time. It was Jeff Garcia. They had thrown the fucking one way out of there. The rest are still busy gardening. But he didn't want me in there. But the other guy, Gilbert Escobel was the host, and he booked it. So he always told me, you got a 20-minute spot in my world. So he'd give me 9-20 and 940.

And then if you were a gangster, you ran to the comedy store for the open mic on Monday night. And I remember running to the store one night thinking I was going to. to get on. And it was Bob Sagitt on the list. Dave Battell. That was like the first time I ran. Like, oh, there ain't going to be nobody there. Wow. And it was Bob. That's the first time ever met Bob Sagitt. Then we hung on on that porch in the front. It was Bob Sagitt, Dave Battow and somebody else. And I remember going, holy shit. Hold the things I, the education, I got in there. I remember me being with Missy on a Sunday. David's hell came in.

And he was buck fucking wild. And he went up there and said something, oh, anybody read about the plane that went down in Columbia? It's always a shame. The real plane went down. He's like, it killed my pocket because I had

30 kilos on that motherfucker. And he just ran with it. And Mitch he was fucking going ape shit. I saw a lot of fun shit in there, man. And that's where you learn and then the greatest, Paul Mooney. He flashed up on my YouTube today and I watched. Really? He would come in, he would always go on late, late, 1145, after the lineup.

We'd do 30 minutes, but he wouldn't bump anybody because he's always on the end. I had to follow him. That was my boy. Hated him. Hated him. Hated him. I heard one chick that was a regular there. She was like, this guy's just racist.

I'm like, yeah, I guess. I don't know. His boyfriend was white. Yeah, is that too? The whole time. It goes the N-word. I love it. I say it 10 times a day.

It makes my teeth white. How you doing, guys? Uncle Joey here. Listen, if you like nicotine, you're going to love Lucy. Lucy makes premium nicotine pouches and nicotine gum. Flavors like apple spice,

espresso, berry, citrus, tremendous. And don't forget my favorite mango. You understand me? Set yourself up for a subscription so you never run out. Listen, Lucy's the only pouch

that delivers long-lasting on-demand flavor. You're going to get 20% off your first order when you buy online at lucy.com slash church, C-H-U-R-C-H, baby, with promo code, Church, C-H-U-R-C-H. If you don't want to wait, check out Lucy's store locator to find Lucy near you and grab it today.

Listen, here comes to find print, okay? Lucy products are only for adults of legal age, and every customer is going to be age verified, so don't be cute. I'll go over there and I'll talk to your mother. This product contains nicotine, and nicotine is an addictive chemical. So choose wisely.

Let's go with Lucy. Hey, Uncle Joey here, listen, I ain't got a mother, but Mother's Day is Sunday, May 10th, and I know you bums all got mothers. So listen, 1,800 flowers is here to make sure you don't forget. is the best deal you'll ever get. Come on. Who wants to go pick flowers and be romantic?

Listen, just take the bouquet. I don't even know what it is, right? Every bouquet is picked fresh and carefully packaged and backed by a freshness guarantee. You don't have to get those roses. You get on 42nd Street, and they die when they're going to war. It's not that type of party. So when do you get flowers for people?

Right now. When you order one dozen roses, that's right? One 800 flowers. will double your bouquet up to two dozen roses for free. Who's better? That's for your mother, the mother-in-law. You know, she don't speak English, but flowers are nice. That's twice the flowers for your mother, all right?

You got a mother-in-law, you got somebody, a grandmother. There you go. Who thinks about mothers like me? Uncle Joey, why? Because she's dead. So, Mother's Day is Sunday, May the 10th. And bouquets are selling our family. trust me, do not wait.

As soon as you hear this, put the reefer down and call 1-800flowers.com slash Joey to claim your double roses offer before they gone. This is a great deal. Again, that's 1-800 flowers.com slash Joey.

All right. 1-800 flowers.com slash Joey. Tell them Uncle Joey said, you're going to love the roses. I'm getting some of myself with my wife. and I'm going to send him some to some stranger. You know what I'm saying like that? I love you.

He had so many good lines. But he had, there was a machine. When I got there in 97 and I saw him, I shipped my pants because I had bought his album race. Really? I didn't know him at all. I bought the album race.

There was no Wikipedia back there. I just knew that he wrote for Sanford and son and he wrote for Richard Pry. And I still remember being at the store and watching him come in. and going, that's fucking boring. I had no idea he was a store guy. There was no Wikipedia.

I remember, there was black scenes and white scenes, and there was alt scenes and regular scenes then. They were separated. New York and L.A. separated. But like, I remember seeing in the back, it was Eddie Griffin and it was hanging with Mr. Cooper. Oh, he was good in his day three. He's still a good guy.

I forget his name now. Mark Curry. And one of them was there and watching Mooney, the other one comes up, and goes, what you're doing? And he just goes, watching the master. He goes, uh, yeah.

And they both just turned and watched this guy with reverence, a guy I'd never heard of. Paul Mooney. I was like, oh. And he had, so he would,

people would be leaving by the night over and over. As soon as you would get on stage, before he even talk, people were like, whoa, who's this? They would just sit down. He'd walk him with like a hat

in a robe. You couldn't talk to him unless you complimented him first. And then he had a run. He had a run. roll yeah had the little tiny champagne he would have a roll about eight minutes that was possibly one of the best eight minutes i ever saw at the store and it was that one i say the end word 20 times it keeps my teeth white yeah and then he but he would always close with something that is such a well-written joke

that people would go ha ha ha and then they would stand up and go what the fuck am i laughing at which one not the chopsticks Look at this A white lady She just ran out She's calling the police There's a black man on stage That won't stop saying

What's that what There's an N-word on stage That won't stop That won't stop saying the word Edward You know what that line was Yeah And you know

You know what I'm saying Like this is This is a legendary line. There's a brother on stage that won't stop saying brother. And he goes, listen, white people, before you go on, Hayton, if you shake

your family tree, an N-word will fall out. And people go, ha-ha, and then they think about that sister-in-law, the kids got tanned. They never went to Jamaica, you know what I'm saying? Oh, my God, they're right. They're right. It's fucking brilliant.

So he would kill you and then pop that joke. Yeah. And then he, to give you a breathing, look at white people, they're leaving already. And then he go, I knew Madonna when she was Moniana. That line used to always kill me. He would do this thing, too, of pretending to not know celebrities' names. I asked him about it once. He was like, and who's that fat bitch?

And somebody was like, uh, Aretha Franklin's like, yeah, oh, don't get me started on Aretha Franklin. And I go, Mooney, I've seen her do that joke seven times. Why do you say, who's that fat bit? Like, why do you pretend to not know her name? He goes, yeah, yeah. He goes, I do it on purpose. One, it involves the crowd.

And two, it makes me better than the person I'm about the shit on. Like, I can't even learn their name. Who? Oh, yeah, I'll read the Franklin. Thanks. Like, I'm like, that's, that's technique. He had one. So we got a, we got a letter.

That's when people used to complain the hard way. They write something out. They'd set, they'd get a stamp and they'd mail it in. It wasn't just a comment. These fucking weak bitches now, just comment and move on. So they got a letter saying, hey, I saw this guy. It's Paul Mooney. He was on last Tuesday.

He did this. He was very offensive. He, like, angered my whole party. And I never seen it. So I called Mitzie. I was like, hey, there's a letter. What should I do? She goes, all right, write him back.

They need a phone number. Yeah, I was like, I call them, tell them they get two free tickets to the show and tell them, we're going to ban that guy. I was like, okay. Tell him he's banned for like a month. He can't come here. Like, okay. I'm like, you're banning Paul Mooney?

And she goes, no, just tell them that. He goes, we need the customers. And then call Paul and tell, show him the letter. He'll want to see it. Well, when I think about it, my heart skips a beat. And now it made me tighter with Paulie. Like, I'll talk to Paulie once a month on the most obscure call. Hey, dude, what are you doing?

Polly's, what? But I always take his call. Because he's a brother. He's a fellow on Marathon. He was in the trenches with us And we used to torture him back then I would torture him every fucking time I saw Yeah

But I loved him because of his mother And then we had a little fucked up time for a while And then now I saw him in Austin And it's like seeing fucking your brother like that you haven't seen I learned you know when I fucking started comedy Paulie Shaw was fucking huge Holy show was fucking huge The 70s it was prior

In the 80s it was Kinnison in the 90s is me, bro. Was he big with stand-up, too, or the movies, mainly? Movies, but he did stand-up. He did stand-up. He did stand-up. He's crazy. Yeah, movies. I love Polly. He was on MTV. Yeah, he did a bunch of good shit.

He did a bunch of shit. He what? Dancing naked with the calaccon pops. That's all I remember when I was a little, I was like, what the fuck is this crazy person? He spoke to a generation. He spoke to Maliatics. The first ones that speak to people doing ecstasy. No one was speaking to them. And he did. He had a whole bit about like,

they take to DMV in Spanish, English, and dude. Mm-hmm. It was about that type of Southern California. Yeah. You know, just sitting next to her some nights. Oh, she would. Some days and listening to her shit that came out of her mouth

while comics were on stage. And she had no political correctness. None. And it was always not loud. but enough that you heard it. Get this fucking Schwartz off stage. Get this guy off stage. Don't let him up.

But the night that he's talking about was the kid from Houston that walked in there and they're like, he's the next Bill Hicks. And the guy shit his pants. And she's like, get him off. Get him off. By the way, they had three minutes.

And after one, she's like, enough, enough. Oh, no, yeah. Why waste our time? The Kennison light would be buzzing. Get him off the stage. He's bad luck. That's what David Taylor said. Like, you know you're bombing when you can hear the light go on.

It was like nothing and they go, oh, just that alone. And that's how I became friends with Joe. She had one time, she, she were in, I used to drive her around. She liked me. And I drive her home, we were in the comments for a van. And Holtzman, she loved Holtzman. Holtz. Hated some of people, loved Holtzman.

He was like this. She goes, hey, Mitzie, what do you want to go? You want to go see a movie this week? She was, okay, what do you want to see? and he goes there's a new planet of the apes was just out he goes we can go say planet of the apes and he goes why we can just come here in a Tuesday like she was all and i was like she was all what boss what she was she was she would say some shit and then she got it with me with the fat fat baby but bro you know when somebody's

insulting you and you know when somebody's saying shit to you out of love and that's what i grew up on. North Bergen, they didn't call you nothing growing up to fucking make you feel good. They called you that to throw you a little off. So remind you who the fuck you are. And that's what she did. That baby. Then she called to me and plucked the stomach. She'd pop her stomach and go like it was letting out air. Yes. And she goes, ah, and she laughed by herself. I remember she kept saying, oh, you have to go on stage with a Fidel beard and a handcuff on. She would do it.

She would say stuff to see you would do it. No, this is the deal. If you did it, you failed. You failed, exactly. She'd throw you out. You should go up with a bunch of balloons. Okay, I guess I have to go up with balloons. Like, oh, loser.

Yeah. You had to do it. You had to, anytime she told you an idea, you had to, like, look at her and, like, go. Mitzie, you want me to get your tongue sandwich? Yeah. I got to throw off, and that was her shit.

The tongue sandwich. Tung sandwich. I took Freddie Soto's job and the other guy's job. I was the dude who went to the bank and made the deposit. You were the runner? They trusted you with money? Dog, listen to me. I respect it off the bottom too.

Bro, I respected the comedy store. But listen, you got to do what you got to do on a Friday. They used to have a thing where they'd be like, listen, we're failing business. Double mortgage the place. And so it's like, it's failing. So they're like, hey, comedians, if you want to take two free tickets, like a two for zero, if you see, if you play golf with somebody, you're like, you want to go to the company, here's a free ticket.

So you two drink minimum, though, so they get some drinks off people that were never going to go, you know, you're at a Hollywood and whatever. Hey, here, I go, okay, great, they'll go in. And then they start going, if you pass out those tickets and people come in, on two drinks each, we're going to make 50 bucks off them. So we'll give you two bucks per ticket that comes back. Okay, it's incentive for another 20 bucks for the week that, you know, if you hand out 10 tickets, they'd come back.

But that policy ended. Because Joey would just wait until the lot, the entrance line of the comedy store. And he'd go, no, no, don't pay. Here, take this. No, no, don't pay. Take this. Take this.

He would cost him $20, $22 each because they had all to pay him. And then they got, wait. We can't get to it anymore. Would you give that like two or three? You get the whole line. She made me a record. regular, right off the bat, a month. I was a regular in a month after getting to

L.A. So right off the back, I wanted to be part of the comedy store. So they made me a telemarketer. With ends Mitchell, the chicken Vegas, my girl, crazy girl that's in Vegas. He used to take... Yeah. And I didn't want to say his name. What the fuck's the matter were you? Shema.

Yeah. Shama. It was... And we all telemarked. Like, hi, Auto Body. We're going to give you four. what he'd think of Thursday nights were dead and Wednesdays were dead. So that's all I had to do. Yeah. Was do that. That's how I started.

Then they broke up the department. Hans Mitchell opened up the club and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And then what did I do? And then she gave me even a better job. I did every job there. Okay. Yeah, you did everything. Phone, door, cover booth, built the website.

When wages were late, I would take over that. that assistant talent coordinator to duncan i did everything except go on stage she wouldn't let me on she gave me a good job she said listen be the darn man from seven to ten and then come in and she would pay me to 25 and that's just that's her way of saying this guy needs money i can't just give him the money i need to pretend to make him earn that's why gabriel does the same thing nobody he needs 17 openers. That's Gabriel's way of saying, let me help you guys out. She would give

your jobs to keep you going. It's not a necessary thing. And for the record, there was one particular day that tested who I was as a man, a comic, and my character. And I will tell you this. I think I told it once on here. I had

a car that an agent gave to Josh Wolf. And Josh Wolf lent it to me, but the registration ran out. And I kept getting tickets in it. It's a little like $50,000. They told the car. That's the story about my apartment got towed. Ralphie always told that.

Apartment got told us and all this shit. So at that time, it was fucking insane. And, you know, we were snort and coke. That one crazy white dude was there from Florida. Don't say his name. Okay. He sold the club and off the hook.

When it was originally off the hook, this is 30 years ago. They sold that club And the guy Came to the comedy store one night With a hundred large Everybody was getting free coke And he was staying at the sunset

Motor Lounge across from Rouse Yeah We were there four nights a week with this guy Fucking snort I mean we went through periods That you would not believe At that store Cori Cuomo

I knew Corey Cuomo With gentry When we used to fucking party In the building Where Holtzman lived With the chick with the age What's the chick That's the chick that had the freckles

She was half black. So I found myself with that apartment all hours of the night. So I'll never forget on a Friday, you got your checks at like five. That means I'm there at 1.30. I want to make sure the operation runs smooth. They run out of check money. So every Friday, I'd be there at two.

I just sit on the stairs and get sun and drink free sodas. Right. That was my thing on Fridays. But one Friday I pull up guys, and there's like four cases of jack. Another case of some fucking whiskey and beer. And that liquor store, two blocks up from the store, right on sunset. Before you hit the Chateau-Marmont, on the corner, there's a big-time liquor store there.

I go, if I walk in there with four cases of Jack Daniels on a Friday, you're going to load them. I'm picking some dough up. At that moment, I go, can't do it. Because the store. I'm going to end up just how I did my whole life. If I robbed this, they have a camera somewhere. They're going to see me putting in and my comedy career is going to shit the pants,

just like every other career I've had in my life because of four cases of fucking Jack Daniels and two cases of Michelob Plus or whatever the fuck it was. And that's what I knew. I did everything I could out of that store. Dog, there was a time period. You did everything.

When Joey hosted, that was your blow days. And you were so gacked, you would read the list of who's coming up, next, but your other hand would just be like, you're like this. I wasn't doing Coke on stage. It was in my pocket, burning a hole in the motherfucker. That's what you're like, come on. I want to get to it. When I got to that stage, at the end, when I would, after, listen, I asked.

Your last comic. I had a fucking genius plan. If I just put up the people on the list, I'm going to be there all night until two in the morning. That 25 from making $8.50 an hour, now becomes fucking $250. an hour. So I'm going to do this correctly. I'm going to call my friends. Andrew, Ari,

Rogan, because the original list is hot garbage. Hot garbage. As employees. No, no, no. This is the regulars at 10. That's what I hosted. And Mitchie would watch the first 15 minutes or whatever. And dog, there was nights going up then. We'd lose the room.

We'd go from a hot, because they didn't watch the open mic, the train wreck. Because you'd have Peter Chen going on. All the favors you did. It's like, This guys didn't know and let him go on. And it's like, and that's the room he's hosting. I would call Eddie Griffin. Eddie, you feel like doing two hours? Come on down.

Yeah. And they'd all be there on the list that have their people there, the agents with cameras and shit. This is that big night. And all of a sudden, Eddie Griffin would pull up, Andrew would pull up, and Rogo will pull up.

And dog, you never saw 20 broken hearts like that. Yeah. And Joey's like, now I got three times in three hours that I got to be back on stage. That gives me an hour in between, the cop, pick up a victim, talk, and all this with Terry in the kitchen.

So once from 97... You were with Terry already then? Yeah, from 97 to 2000, I was a man on a fucking mission of that. I took showers in the mornings. When I was homeless, I'd get that 901, the little Mexican dude open, shooting to the main room, fucking lay out, take a shower, or drink some soda for breakfast. You got to do what you got to do, brother. Yep.

Got to do what you got to do. He's free soda. You just use that soda thing. And then I would get that 6.30 and take another fucking shower in the main room. So I'm tip top magoo. So the balls are prepared for the evening lurk. You know what I'm saying? I slept there a lot.

Yeah. Come on, dog. That was a fucking, for me it was a cult. It was all I had. There was nowhere to go. There was nowhere to go. It was a bunch of lost people that just. We had one time.

We were like, we saw some, we had this thing we were doing where you were been there. You've been there. George, this comedy store. Yeah. So there's like this runner like thing on the outside, the eye on the outside that goes all the way back to the to the belly room. And you could sit on there. Anyway, we had to clean up like glasses from there and stuff. And one time me and Renazisi and probably Ingram, we started like fucking around.

We're like, let's let's do this thing where we just take an actual bottle and like smash it. And like in the movie's like, I'll fucking kill you. And then we just started setting it up. We're just like, hey, one of us is going to bump the other as we're walking by. And we just like, you know, we're friends. friends, but no one knows. And it tells there. And he's just like talking. He didn't come much. And I think Bernadzee and I were like, he like, bumped like, got a fucking problem.

Man's like, do you got a fucking problem? I just like, come the fuck on. And we had Ingram hold me back. And it tells like, you guys are nuts. And he just took off. What the fuck is this? We had fun. We brought. So we figured out once you could take those bottles and where the trash can was in the corner, the dumpster, try to like launch them.

And I mean, it was 60 feet and try to get it in the. And some would go in. Some would just smash around until we had all the bottles. And somebody comes back from the back to the recycling, which just this bunch of bottles. We're like, let's go. We're just throwing them all. Oh, we had a good time there.

No rules. No rules. I'm so jealous. It was the best. They called it a dark years. Fuck that. They called the dark years. Because there was an audience.

But then we got to do whatever we wanted. Bobby Lee was the biggest star in the world because he was making 5K a week on Matt TV. Yeah. How many spots are you guaranteed a week? Me, just my employee's spot. I got four. Four to five. I'm guaranteed.

I always got spots. In fact, I'm still in touch with my favorite fucking talent coordinator. Who? Scott. Scott Day? Still in touch him. He was before my time. Did you like him or no?

He's before my time. Corey. When I got put on, bro, listen, here's the story. I got to L.A. I got, and Latino nights were big. So I snuck in the improv. on Latino then a Sunday night. The guy may wear a suit.

When I'm on stage, I saw that that had the little top window and it would slide. I saw the window open and the dude watching me. Improve? At the improv. The first Sunday in town. I got there fucking Tuesday. First thing I did, no, I got there Monday,

went to Acapulco, got the all-you-can-eat buffet for dinner. We were broke and we went to the comedy store and your buddy, you know, the dirty show upstairs. Ben, what does his night? You're fuck. The fucking, the fucking dude that does the opening for Kimmel.

Oh, Barris. Baris. Yeah. Was hosting it on Monday night. Yeah. And I remember I got there. I'm like, hey, I'm Joey Diaz. I don't know.

We're a fuck of you. But then James Stevens, the third walked in. And I had opened from the Seattle. And he stopped and talked to me. And Barris goes, you know him. And I remember going up on a Monday to four people.

My heart was broken, but at the same time, comedy stores on my... They used to it, because that wasn't one time only. You're going to go up to four people a lot. Yeah. And I went up there, I went home, and I got up to 6th of the morning and went to the lapacker. Tuesday.

I did the whole system. And he told me never to come back. That was a... Jamie? Yeah, he goes, you're a cabaret comic. Wow. To Los Vegas. Dude, we had...

There's a clean club in Hermosa Beach, Comedy Magic Club. it was clean except when rogan was there and they told they told the audience because rogan's like we know there's a clean club just so everybody about techs just so you know this is a dirty show this week so if you're here for our regular stuff it's it's not it's not that like okay he warned him he loved rogan and then probably the two we went twice you know one one weekend another weekend and then the third one went they go yeah you can't bring joey and he's like why he's like he's too dirty He's like, but I thought you'd tell the crowd.

He goes, I know, we do, but he's too dirty for me. He got, Sam, but Rogan never took the gig again. Yeah, he was like, well, that's my last time then. Never took the gig. You stood by me. So these were the situations we were building already. Yeah, learn to be loyal. Yeah, we had the same attitude.

We were all chasing the same fucking thing. And just a good, just a good set, could callback, learn how to do something. You're like, nice, well-played joke there. There's nights I wouldn't need unless Rogan came. When Rogan came, I knew, because I could always talk him into eating. Late night at the standard? Or Thai food. No, he would take me to the yellow spot, Pinkthot.

We'd get the turkey and Swiss. Oh, really? From there. They had the nice bread back then with the macaron. They had a fucking great meatball sandwich. They got good sandwiches. Shit. It was right next to where I lived.

They had liquor. They had condoms, everything. It was one-stop shopping. Cecii Top used to come in. Huh? One of the guys is easy top used to come in. He paid with $2 bills with stamped, eat pussy. He'd stamp, eat pussy on the $2 bills and pay every time with one $2 bill.

It was crazy. With his long fucking beard is $170. It was like being in the Marines. Yeah, Joe's always good with money. Joe was great. You're broke. Come on. Just take the food.

No, come on. Eat something. And he would take it to the standard. I knew the menu. Whenever Joe would say you hunt, because I would talk Joe into eating. and then he'd go, are you hungry? No, no. I hate it already. But I know he's going to go, come on, come with me to eat.

Just sit with me. And he would get like a cheeseburger, a steak, a lobster tail. After one, and they would make a mean blue cheeseburger. One of the best I ever had. You know what? I just realized Joe Rogan ordered like Ralphie Mae ordered. Yes. One of each, pretty much.

One of each. I just get them. I'll eat some. One of each. Ralph would finish it, but Joe would eat some. You know, it's funny. They ordered the same. You know, I'm with the problem with Americans,

and I want to break it down with you. Because you'll understand. You know how people set all these seminars up, how to get rich, how to become successful, start your own business at home, you know. When people get involved in that, after you pay the guy to two grand or whatever, and the council tells you you have all it takes

to make $2 million a year, you know, you do believe it and you don't believe it in our religion we saw it so what we saw people that had no money and one day overnight overnight

yeah it was really overnight but on overnight to like doing well to doing better raffi may zero went from living in that fucking apartment with roommates to a fucking you know like a fucking place in beverly hills the first apartment during did you ever go there with a barbecue

were. It was a gated community. And he had the fucking pound of weed in the middle. He had the fucking table and he had a pound of weed in the fucking thing. He would invite me over and I'd say, yeah, go get a soda. And I'd start taking Budza. I'd walk out of there. Buds would be falling on the fucking floor.

It was, Doug, when he hit when Josh Wolf had. When he got his first development. I saw Joshua open mics before, right before. Yeah. Open mics at coffee shops. The unurban. On Pico and fucking right of the 405, He's there, and then all of a sudden, he's like, got to develop it. Here's a chunk of money.

So Ralphie outside the improv once, and it was like new to weed. It wasn't legal. It wasn't even in stores yet. He had a nug. I'm not lying. It was about this big. It was something to see. And he was like, all right, check this out.

I was like, what the fuck? I wasn't even smoking just a little bit. I mean, it was literally this big. I was like, that's the craziest nugget I've ever seen. That's crazy. He goes, nah, kill, that's for you. I was like, wait, what? This is going to last me a year, dude.

that motherfucker when I lived in that apartment of my wife we weren't even married I wouldn't have weed was broke I couldn't ask my wife to give me 20 bucks

for a bag of weed and he would tell him he was gonna pick me up at three I'd be at attention with a suit on and that motherfucker would pull up at seven and we'd go to that

we store in the corner and he would spend two grand like it was none when he moved to Nashville he said he said I need breath strips, two to a pack breast strips,

I think 50 each strips, so 100 total maybe. I used to split them, but he goes, get me, I don't have my license anymore because I'm in Nashville. Get me as many as you can. And I was like,

should I ask for a deal? He goes, why do you think I ask you? Yes, get me a deal. Get me as many as you can. Oh, yeah, I've got a painful price. Shafir? Where's the weed?

It's 420. You know, you just see, I still remember George Lopez. He could treat me like this on 420? Oh, my God. Oh, your weed? Where's our weed? Right now?

We can't smoke on YouTube. They're fucking... I can't sit over there. No, but then what are they going to see? The smoke? Fair. Okay. All right.

And look at Lee. He can't even move. He hasn't said a fucking peep. I just saw that clip of Lee and me just going, uh, uh, and Lee's going, that wasn't even the strong ones.

Did you see the one with me? As Jesus put in my ass. on his head. The Trump picture of somebody duplicated. But that's one thing I'm very proud of. What? Like, I started to remember becoming a regular. Yeah, that's the biggest one. And going on the road in 99 and walking into like the Indiana funny boom.

And they would give me like a hard time. Like, oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. I'm a comedy store regular. And I would just rip out the, because I would steal the resumes every night. The lineups off the wall. Oh, you're a young kid. That's you. Yeah. You got Paul Mooney on that lineup.

You got Ari fucking Shapiro. Whatever his fucking name is. You got, you guys all got me all complete with that fucking Shapiro. You got all these names on the list that that's... And you're on with them.

So it's like, that's you. This is me, motherfucker. Yeah. I don't know what kind of game. You're fucking running here. But I'm at the fucking comedy store.

So you better recognize. Bartender. Open up a tab on the fucking house. It's going to be an education. You know what I'm saying? Like that. You get that. You don't feel that way.

You don't talk that way. That's the feeling. I would go. I'm an LA comic. I do a guest spot. I was like, where do you perform? Like,

the comedy store. And I'm like, oh, all right then. Yeah, you can do one. Listen, I just moved to LA and I knew the Torrey brothers.

Nine of my people. Yep. In fact, he just called me about six months. I'm going to make a video. Guy, Tori? For his son-in-law.

You know, man, my son-in-law loves you. Can you call him cock-suck on a video? And send it to me, And I go, absolutely. Guy Torrey was always. And you knew Guy Toy before he got American History X? Yes.

That's before he got teeth. So he was, this was Guy Torrey. He was just fucking janky tooth. That is the truth. Pre-toothed Guy Torrey was a different man. I don't know if anybody these guys know this or America knows this. Ed Norton came to Fat Tuesday to see Friday. The guy's brother.

Chris Tucker. Chris Tucker. He saw Joe Torrey and gave it to him. guy. On the other hand, Bruce Willis came to the comedy store to see Eddie Griffin.

But he gave that role to Chris Tucker on the moon. Chris Tucker was on the more of Bruce Willis on the moon and shit. That happened when I was there. Like I saw these motherfuckers walk in and all of a sudden they're in a big time movie and Ed Norton's coming to

Fat Tuesday to watch and perform. So from the laugh factory, they would recruit from Latino night. Wow. The big brother. They're still in St. Louis running shows. I ask Guy Paury or Joe whenever I see him. They're still in the St. Louis running that Fat Tuesday. We've got to get a hookup

for that because I love to go see those. They were very good to me in the beginning. Fat Tuesday now? I think they run something equivalent to Fat Tuesday. But those guys took care of me to this. You ready for this? Motherfuckers? Yeah. They saw me. What are you getting?

It's not a lot. over there. Oh, all right. It's, uh, I did Latino 9 on Monday and the other guy with Guy Torrey, the big guy saw me, goes, hey man, I'd like to do Fat Tuesday. And I'm in LA six or seven months. When he said Fat Tuesday, I worked upstairs in sales. Remember I told you that? And I would see the guest list for Fat Tuesday. Jack. It would change your life.

Fuck it. Every high level black poet in Los Angeles was there. Every black director, the dude that made that movie with Tupac. All of them. That list was like you look at it and go, what the fuck? They catered. It's interesting how each of the black nights catered to a different audience. The Comedy Store Fatsuzzi was the upscale.

It was like a singleton and like all these super high level artists and like Shaq and like Lakers will come in. And then, until years later, I didn't go to the improv Black Night on Monday. And I went, and there's metal detectors. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It was like, oh, this is hood black. Yeah, it's hood black on Mondays. They throw chicken wings at you.

Oh, my God. It's not good. It's not good. They'd clear him first, but they would throw it. Yeah. What shows are more fun? I never saw. I only saw one of those.

I ate a bag of dicks at the Black Knight. I went the first time on a Monday night and did great. So they promoted me to a seven-minute spot. Yeah. Here's the clinker. It was all superstars. It was a superstar lineup that I walked into. It was like two comics,

and then they put on Doug Stanhope. Oh, no, really? And I was going to follow Doug Stanhold. And I didn't care. I was following him at the store, eating a bag of dick. I knew how to follow him because I lead off with one of his most filthiest jokes.

So if he ended with something, I would zip into that, add a tag to that, thank Doug Stanhope, and run with it. If I got him, there would be no thank Doug Stano. Because I knew I was never going to get him again. Why pause? Right. Doug Stano goes in there, and he just wasn't getting him. He just wasn't getting him.

So what does he do? He doubles down. And he tells a joke about it's easier to get away. But anyway, at the end of that joke, it was the end word. you know and christ and you can tell i know doug stand up enough he's so quick that as one joke's getting like a b-minus whatever he goes he's doing he's almost like pausing time and going which way should i go with this now i could get him back i could take a chance or i could punish them and he'll hold aside every time and he started saying that shit chris tucker got up in the back goes get that

motherfucker, get that white boy off the stage. And people in conjunction, get him off the stage. My boy got up there. Let's keep him going for Doug Stano. Crickets! Coming to this stage, my Cuban homeboy. Joey Diaz, boom. Hey, how are you guys doing?

Ricketts. Rickets. I could hear what the waitress was getting the order. Let me get a bloody marrying and order of chicken wings. You could hear the pencil. Dog, I walked out of there and I went on the road. You can't see me again. It broke me that hard.

But the funniest ever was at the store on a Tuesday night waiting for that holding on to the audience because if there was no eight people, you wouldn't get paid at 11 o'clock. Oh, yeah. And everybody would go to the two other bars so the original room would be empty. Everybody knew on the strip, don't go to the comedy store on Tuesday night. It's black night. But it was fun. It was fun. Like they shot people there years before.

Tupac got into a shootout at the store. Yeah, the manager. They had his head down with their foot on his neck and like, let's shoot him. And then somebody had, I think Eddie Griffin, I'd be like, he's cool, please don't shoot him. Yeah. Yeah, one time earthquake saved me. Oh, yeah. From what?

I was, I was, you'd think earthquake wouldn't save me in Los Angeles, but this is the man. Not the hit, not the event. I was, sometimes they play the music so loud in the front bar. You could hear it on stage. And it just bugs me. It's a pet pee. And like, you're messing up the show. The show should be untouched.

So they're partying the front, blasting some music. I'm like, what the fuck? So I come running down into kind of a huff. And I was like, hey, turn this music down. Like, it's coming through. And I guess two brothers were like, I had just been like, hey, turn this up. We like this song. And they just see some white guy going, hey, turn their music off.

And they, I kind of half saw it after a second. Like, you know, when you realize like, oh, that just happened. I was walking back. And they started coming at me. And then earthquake goes, no, no, no, he's cool. He's cool. And they were like, all right. And I was like, wait, what just happened almost?

They were ready to fucking kill me, dude. It was my first time of Fat Tuesday. I believe you're going to shit your pants. I'm doing comedy seven and a half years. Okay. I'm a regular at the store. I'm eating shit two nights a week. Regularly.

You know, you got to follow Don Marrera or AJ Jamal or one of those. Oh. And he invites me to do Fat Tuesday early, 815. I'm in and out of there. $35 cash. fucking, I walk in there, and I'm in the green room, and they're talking about a guy coming in with a wheelchair. Right?

I'm like, who the fuck? Like, they're making room for a guy in a wheelchair. And finally, the show started. I lost my thought. I was just focused on doing well. I had a 10-minute spotly. Like, I was banking my life that one of these producers were going to see me and put me in the next big black movie and shit.

I go up there, Lee, and I'm rocking. I had done black rumors before, and I didn't know how to deliver my material back then, but I knew how to chuck and jive. I went to prison. I knew the jokes would hit. I did well up to the seven-minute mark, and then I could feel that the chucking and jive wasn't up.

You've got to get them. But I look over in the main room to this Mitzie's chair. You know, look at who the guy in the wheelchair was? Who? He was Richard Pryor. Oh, shit. And my heart just dropped. And I had to stop the show.

And I go, listen, man, the reason why I'm in here is because of, was it something I said? He was like, half fucked up already. And then when I got off, he shook my hand. I just walked out. I was like, that that was my fat Tuesday story then he put me back on two or three other times in that

I'm just jealous of like I don't feel and this is nothing against where I performed but I've never felt like I've had a home no like that I could be like no but like didn't have spots every night well no it was a home no other comic in LA really had it except a few guys of the factory

you know but really it was like it was a home you would go there on their way back You drive back from staying at you. You get back at like 1 a.m. from doing spots. Right. Get back when I'm like,

let's go to the store. I'm not going to bed. Let's go to the store. There's to be somebody there. You know, and then you would and you stay until three. Smoking, drinking,

or neither. Just hanging out. I got a job of selling screws and nuts on Ivor. I had to be there four in the morning because there was seven in the morning in New Jersey. And I would sell the contractors

in New Jersey. They bought breakfast. I would go in there coming down from a Coke fucking, like I was snort and stop it too. And walking there at 405s, still twitching and shit. Wow. And I would send fax, and that's how I started going on the road.

I would work 4 to 11, and after 9, I wouldn't do anything. I was just putting my schedule on and fax them to comedy clubs. Whether I worked them or that, I just sent them from some book. Da, da, da, da, fact. Hey, I found out the name of the manager. And every morning I would send out, and all of some, one day, I started getting fucking faxes back. Hey, are you available organ?

I went to the comic strip in El Paso. That's where I learned all that shit. And from there, I took off on the road because I learned how to have feature weeks. And guess what? I'm at the comedy store. Have you got an MC week for me with a hotel? I'll take the $200.

I'd rather have $200 in Coke anyway. $200 and Coke, $400. I'm going to hold to do Coke with it anyway. That was the mentality. I was going to be the best comic I could and that's what it taught you. You also, I would watch you, Joey. It was like, you were like the most, actually you and Pauli were like the most like yourselves

on and offstage. There was like almost no real difference. And everyone else had a little bit of a, to be too insulting, but like an act. You know, they put on some airs and you were just like the same guy. You were talking, saying this shit. And then you'd be like, Joe, you're on. He's like, oh, excuse me, and you just continue the story up there. And you watch that by the young.

As I like a brand new comic, you'd be like, I think that's why she set it up who was like, watch these guys who, look who does stuff well, look who does stuff bad, learn from the bad ones and the good ones. And it was like everyone did one thing better than anybody. You know, the way Barris would like get a late night crowd, just get them, you know, grandmothers and like, and like hood, hood people. And he would get them all together. He would go to like legitimately, someone brought their grandmother.

She was like 70. And he goes, look at you dirty little slut. That was the craziest thing. He goes, you filthy little pig. And she was like, oh, my God. And I'm like, what a chance you took. And he knew how to do it. Oshack had the best writing.

And you were the most like yourself. And you'd watch these guys. You're like, what the fuck? Let me tell you the education I got. Okay, and I was trying to explain this to Lee. I hope I explained this again. And this is for anybody who does anything. How many Sunday nights that I host in front of him?

A billion? And then she would catch a lot. me bomb in the main room from time to time. I never really bombed in the original room. But think about in your world, in your world, like the Arabs believe if they stab a Jew, they get 82 virgins, right? And that's their world. I'm never going to change that.

But in my world at that time, I had no family, had no kids, she fucking left. I was living on a floor, an apartment, all that had. was that comedy store, Missy Shore. Be a day on the way home, my daughter was crying after a softball game. And I held her hand, I go, I remember still crying, leaving the comedy store thinking I'm never going to get another spot there again. I had to follow Rogan or Paul Mooney or some Dave Attell.

And after sitting next to her, it was a confidence that I rose. You know what? I ain't got time to go headline no more. I'm a fucking headliner, bitch. And don't worry, I'll fit the fucking 45 minutes. I don't know what I'm going to say. I ain't fucking getting 400 a week from you no more. I lifted myself.

Because she made you want to get out of that. She thought. Think about you having to perform in front of the president every week for 20 weeks. How much confidence do you have? It's a bunch of roughnecks out there. Bitch, I perform for fucking the president and the other long-haired fucking vampire every week.

I do what I want. Who the fuck of you to judge me? Like, I got to that point. Like, I dare you to come up to me and say something to me about material because I'm running at this share at the store in front of Mitchie Shawna. She ain't got a problem with it.

Then you don't. You better, and that's why I started accepting the dirty stuff. You know, when you're, if you're on the fence, you're not going to become a comic. Pick your fucking battles. If you're going to be clean, be clean. She never cared about dirty, too.

No, but I learned how to push the envelope in front of it. One way or the other, she didn't give a shit. She didn't give a fuck as long as they laugh. Go do well. If she gave you suggestion, she was like, I don't, she was pretty much her going, I don't know what's going wrong. Sum's up.

Maybe, I don't know, wear a suit or like, but she's like, I don't know. It's just the reality is it's not working. Make it work. And if you made it work, she was fine. And it was just like, yeah, there was no pretense about clean, left wing, white, right wing, you know, social, the family. None of it matter. Just go be funny.

And you go on after like super clean comics, super dirty comics. You just find your own lane. Then there's the idiotic that I have to leave early. I have to do another spot at the improv. You get off stage. You got a drink. You get your dicks up.

They're still talking to some girl in the hallway. They didn't want to follow you. Yeah, didn't want to follow you. That shit didn't work at the store. No. You got tortured. You got to do your time. You just weren't allowed.

He's dirty and he talks. He's dirty and he talks. You're going up, son. Oh, shoot to do your 1030 at the improv. Yeah. But don't sit here and come. She told you the fucking mechanics of it, the fundamentals, the whole. She had once, and I was working, Duncan was gone on vacation, and so I was doing the lineups with her.

And she had, she had, Tanya Lee Davis, the little person, comedian, funny. By the car, I told Lee. She rolled under, it went right over. Yeah. Poor Tanya, Louie. But I got to become a friend on Facebook. Holtsman hated her. Holstman hated following her.

He just was like, it's a, he'd say it's a circus. and I hate it. They're not, they're laughing at physical stuff and not, I hate, anyway, so I'm making the lineup. She goes, okay, how about Argus at 915?

Then this guy, this guy. All right, 1030, Tony Lee Davis, then then, then, um, something else 1045, then Holtsman. I was like,

oh, I thought you liked putting Holtsman after Tony Lee Davis. She goes, what do you mean? Why? I'm like, because he said he hates it. I thought,

I thought you like, isn't that what you should do? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, switch it. Yeah. One time she,

I was trying to get to come down for showcases she was sick now she was getting old and sick she's kind of feel out to it i go over there she'd be watching the news all day at eight o'clock on sunday but can we please just switch to the simpsons if we're not going to fucking go don't touch my tv i'm going to the fucking kitchen then to watch but anyway she was like i don't know if i feel like mitsy come on you'll feel better you'll go down there you'll crush some people's dreams and you'll come home and she goes yeah let's do that Yeah, she was like, that is good. One time we had a meeting when I was doing the web page.

Oh, my God. And it was a pillagie. And she was talking about the old days. She goes, they all get paid in checks now. In the old days, they got paid in cash. And the Coke dealers would be there. They get paid in their cash. They go right to buy Coke.

And I was like, oh, yeah. She goes, yeah, now they just go home and watch TV. that was way worse than doing blow I still remember every time I did some and she would never get mad at me she'd always ask me for my opinion on the matter like I thought you know she would talk to me like I was off the hook like nobody's going to say nothing to me

and then she go oh you can't take your balls out on stage no more okay that's another thing People go, oh, well, you took your balls out. I am honoring my teacher, Joey Diaz. It is the way I pay tribute to the people that came before me. Joey would fucking go like this with a dirty towel that the Mexicans use in the back fucking. He'd go get it.

It goes, dun, do, do, do. And he'd go like this. They just shake his pants because they couldn't hold up over that belly. And they just plop out. The Cuban egg roll. The best thing I ever did wear was Judy Kansiotti was on stage on a Tuesday night. And she's bombing. And I would take my clothes off behind the curtain.

And every time she cracked a joke, I go, and I close the curtain up. And she'd be looking around. I'd be balls-ass making back there. She ended up suing the store. She sued the store. Yeah, she sued the store because of Barris and all that shit. But still the psychology. That's so funny.

The following, I hate it following Domera and AJ Jamal. And she would put me behind them every Saturday night. And it was like driving to get shot. It was like, I'd be on sunset, passing the hot dog stand, going, why am I going here? This isn't the right order. But she's like, yeah, this doesn't matter tonight. It's like what you're talking about with softball, where it's like, if you're playing on your middle school team, take some chances. If you're playing in the away league, that's when you've got to play your position.

We'll play out of your position on a day it doesn't matter. She's like, these days don't matter. I'm going to put you on after someone tough. Sanchez said that. She made him follow dice for a year. Dice in his pretty kind of his prime. And and he goes first I was like I guess I should like try to be extra dirty to follow that dirty It didn't work. It was and then I tried for another few months. Let me try to be extra clean. Maybe that'll work didn't work

And then he finally goes, I just got to be funny and then he figured that out you. Yeah, you said gotta be you in three minutes Be you my assignment was Sundays She would give me a spot Mondays maybe Tuesdays you tried to stay out of the store. I need a cocaine and at the front month money and maybe I'd find the cell phone. Wednesday she always gave me, always gave me Thursday. And then two spots, you know, the main and that movie. She loved you.

Oh, I loved her. I loved her because she got me. She didn't try to touch you, your personality at all. She tried to bring you in. And that was the deal. She came in one night late with Paul. I remember Paul Mooney walked in there one night with Sophia Loren or somebody. No, no, not Barbara Streisand. but the one that was with Sinatra

that he told her to get a hanger when she was pregnant Elizabeth Taylor he walked in there with Elizabeth Taylor and Luca came in with Sophia Loren dog Palaka? Yeah she used to fucking

go to that pizza place they walked in that's Italian beauty dog I was like what I saw a lot of late night freaks in there but what we say she let you be you she would make me go

how many nights you're gonna keep bombing after Paul Mooney. Wow. That's always like a fucking, that's like my whoop watch. You run 11 miles, you get all. Excellent job, but you could have ran 18. Go fuck yourself. Go fuck you and you're fucking love. I don't know, Mitzie. How long?

Maybe switch it up? Yeah, how long? And it was so, it was like magic. I don't know what the fuck she was doing. Eventually figured. Yeah. Even the people who didn't get it served a purpose. It's like the Indian uses every part of the Buffalo. The people who would just garbage and everyone knew it and got a lot of

spots. Like, this guy's, that person would drive us. Like, this guy gets spots? This guy fucking sucks. Oh, yeah. Why can't I get a spot? And it would just make you, I got to get better. So that awful comic would make all of us raise our game.

It was pretty wild. He's like, either he's going to succeed or he's going to make all these people succeed. I figured out following Paul Mooney, my material went out the window. Interesting. First off, it's 12.15. It's late. Whatever nine or 13 people there. They've heard everything already.

They were probably at a club, trying to eat some pussy, and they got turned down, and that's why they crossed the street in shame, and came in here. You don't know who's in there at 11.30, 12. So I learned how to go up behind them with number one energy. You better show some fucking energy.

You better get Jeff Scott to play the piano. You come up there dancing, crack a joke about Ricky Iglesias, sucking dick, or the other guy. Boom. Wow. You got a different ad energy. Whatever joke you wrote, that was brilliant at 8.30 at the coffee shop,

that's just not going to work at 1215 following Paul Moody. Yeah. Why are you referring to that notebook? At 1215, take that notebook and shove it up your ass. Ripping half, ain't nothing going to work in there. He's got to survive. You're dealing with 80% of people are what at 1215. Hey, were...

Hello? High, drunk, retarded. They're just sitting there with the girlfriend Because she was this is fun And the guys that they worked all day So what are you doing at 1215 Going up there trying to be Johnny Carson dog This is when they need Joey Diaz

On the corner outside of Hashways With eight motherfuckers in the middle And you're just dropping now Look at this fat fuck getting off the bus Look at this ugly fat motherfucker You know that's what they wanted At 1215 And from there you put together an actor

Yeah right You maybe get a joke in, maybe say something on the spot that could turn it to a joke. Maybe. What's going on, Lee? It's all over. Look, and then, yeah, who hit you in the head. He's all fucking. I'm thinking about taking over the West Bank.

And two things I want to drop. Number one, if you think what I'm talking about is bullshit, go to the comedy store, we'll get you a meeting and ask them to bust out the archives of the people who are regulars there since 19. and you're going to see they all went into either stand-up comedy Tom Hanks

what did he become a pedophile a guy guy gai-g-g-g-g-ha-ha-ha Tom Hanks coach who was coach Andy Garcia started as a phone guy Rosie O'Donnell was there

who's the guy with the fucked up foot in a water but one of those Adam Sandler movies he had the frozen foot that turned black not the bomb the old man Latino

an old dude that's in all of Adam Sandler's movies. That dude is from the fucking comedy store. The dude that's... They'll work there. They perform there. The son-in-law in the movie with Clint Eastwood that fucking he hates Chinese people. Oh, yeah. The one he tortures the little Chinese guy next door.

Yeah, the Cambodians. That dude is straight. He's a comedy store dude. And then let's talk about writers. Robin Williams and fucking all the Grickenison and all those people and which are prior. It's a little. legacy. And you're on the same stage with them and they haven't even fucking cleaned it.

So you're, you know, you're on there. And we're doing, guys, we're doing stuff. I mean, I've gotten my dick sucked on that stage during the show. It's not even a, it's a, it's crazy nights that happened. There was some porn star. There was like, I'm going to, we had a big dick contest. Let me, I'll, I'll judge. Bears like, how are you going to judge? She goes, my mouth. Like, okay. It's eight people in the audience. They're like, this is standoff? We're like, not really.

I don't know. No one's here to fire us. And you'd learn how you'd just get a spine. You'd learn how to survive in those moments. And it wasn't about your materials about what you're going to do with it later. I saw Steve Simone once go on after Louis C.K. In about 2015, this is prime Louis. Nobody knows Steve Simone.

Even now. He is in my storytelling show The End. get it right now at rachshapur.com. But he went on after Louis CK, did 20 minutes, just crushed. And then Steve gets on. And I'm like, what's going to happen here? This is the wolves. And he does this thing where he goes, oh, my God, Louis CK, everybody.

I was like, okay. They all clap. And he goes, isn't that crazy? And then he goes, I was in the back. I was like, I can't believe he's going on. We all got to see that. And then the crowds, instead of like talking about what they just saw, he's like, oh, he's going to lead us to talk about what we just saw.

And he goes, you didn't know you were coming. Did you know you were coming out for that? No, it's great. Stuff happens, guys. Stuff happens where you just like go out and try. And then he like slowly moved into his material. He got him so hard. He got a standing ovation after Louis C.K.

As a nobody, stood him up on his own, on talent alone. And then like three or four years later, I had to follow Dave Chappelle in his prime. And I was like, I'm doing that. And I'm like, can you believe it? we got and then like five minutes in i'm making fun of the way he holds a cigarette like a fucking first time smoker and now they're i've got him and i'm like i learned from steve like how do you follow these guys that they're just want to see him back and it's like oh you got to be with the crowd for a minute they just learn technique that'll help you marilyn martina said it the best

because the order of those show on the on the road it's the wrong order opening is the hardest that should be the headliner he's the most equipped but they give it to the least equipped give it to some four-year comic they can't you know how to handle that and that's what it taught us how to how to rise to the top in tough moments it was crazy it was a crazy place it's a crazy fucking place i still remember on a waking up on a floor in ralphie's apartment hung over maybe a dollar 30 in your pocket yeah no money in the bank fucking you know when you wake up you take a you take like a moment

and you open your eyes and you thought about what really happened last night you know like yeah you have ketchup on your shirt and all the thing you went to eat at 4 in the morning at that place my point is like I wake up now some like when I was doing it on Ralphie's floor I'd wake up and go

what the fuck am I living? What is this life? I don't know what this is I got to wake up now you got trash leave, leave, without Ralphie hearing me, try to clip a dollar from him because in those days, there was no money. Hopefully, Ralph, he got a 10 and a dollar. He won't miss the dollar. And I could go to the gas station and get an orange juice

and start my day from there. Maybe I'd go steal a pack of cigarettes at the gas station. And that was my day. You knew where all the deals were, you knew were the best. I moved to onto Point Setti off, Melrose. You're like, the walk. Yeah. The walk.

It's right there. Yeah. They ask for the fucking meal deal. That'll last you three days. And during acting class, I tell you, I took you to a place on Santa Monica, on the corner. This is 98, 2000, 2001, Ari. I was going to Ivana Chubbic. And I would take the 10 to 12 class.

And before you went to the county store, we would meet on the corner and there was all you could eat. The all you can eat. Which is he could be at right now. Joey Diaz could make it all you can eat map of Los Angeles from memory. Oh, my God, because we were poor. You got $6. You have... McDonald's had a $29-cent hamburger day

and a 39-cent cheeseburger day. Sundays and Wednesdays. I forget which was which. Those are my days. Five cheeseburgers, please. Yeah. Wendy's bacon... No, no, no.

The other cheeseburger they had, it was 50-60 cents and a bowl of chili. That was my lunch. You spread the word. Because I could borrow two bucks. And you get all the Coca-Cola's you could drink at the comedy store. You get a small Coke. And then if you...

thirsty you walk to the comedies those were calories and you can sit there all day drinking gingerill cherries from the fucking thing so this uh show that got released last week what made you want to do this again brother oh my show i think it's over HBO i was like what i gotta get on this i'm always looking for new recommendations no it was you know it was it was just already storytelling show for a while then i renamed it this is not happening you've done a ton of them. Then we did it on television. And then the fucking, this goddamn cunt of an industry fucking took it away for me. I sold a special Netflix, Comedy Central, it's a, whatever, whatever. Who gives a fuck anymore? But it didn't end the right way. You know how

breaking bad ended the right way and six feet under ended the right way and other shows just kind of ended the right way? Yeah, they did it on their terms. They wrote out the ending. He went to fuck it. He goes, I don't want to be here for the end of this. Game of Thrones into the wrong. way. It just kept going. And I was like, I got to end this the right way. So I was like, you know, enough is enough. So Gura's like, I'll help you. I got a whole, I got a whole, you know, employee group that will help you because the show is big for him. The show was big for you. Ali, Miss Pat, you're a fucking Mount Rushmore like storyteller comic. And there was that thing of like, so people would ask me too, they're like, I would go over the stories with comics when we were

doing this is not happening. This is a completely unrelated show. at the end. It's available now at rachshafir.com. But I would go over people like come see my story. I'm going to run it on stage. I'm like, I'll come down there. I'll work it with you. I'm not a producer, but I'm a comic and I'll help you. And we do it every month at the improv. I would start. You did the first one we ever did.

In the back. The back side room of the info. The Pink Floyd story. You, Mark Marin, Steve Agee, Medonia, talking about getting fucked up on mushrooms and running down fountain with no clothes on, getting arrested. Carboni. It was a great one.

And then because he was so fucking wild with stories. There was no place for that on stage. On regular stage, there was no place. But eventually it became like a little bit more of a thing. And then I would go work out with people. But people asked me like, well, do you go over Joey Diaz and stories with him? I go, no. He's proven.

Also, when you did the Zeraita story, I think it was called something at a funeral. Yeah. I forgot what they titled. They didn't always title them right. They didn't fault me sometimes on titles. But there's a writer story. You were like, I'm only going to run the, I'm only going to go over the first part. The second part I don't want to, I'm not going to go over.

I don't want to have ever said it before. Okay. But you're like, the first part, I'm going to run. The joke, joke parts about what happens at a Cuban funeral, those are worked out, like jokes part of the story describing, setting up a scene the way Pryor would or Cosby would, you know, setting up a scene. And then it got like serious. And they, like, there was no place for that in stand up back then.

to go serious and not in an intentional way, the way Edinburgh hours do, like, let me go serious. You were like, you were going serious the way me and Big J. and you even like, do dirty.

We're like, guys, I'm sorry. I don't want to do this. It's just coming out. I get, if you walk out like, no,

you're not wrong. You should probably leave. This is disgusting. I can't help it. Um, and that's, that's how that serious was in that, and that's the writer story.

It was so, and it was like, I had to go on after that. I was hosted. It was at Cheetos. Couldn't even speak for a while. I was like crying. I was like teared up and crying.

And I was like, Joey Diaz one more time. And then I had to like wait for the applause to go out because I couldn't go. No, let's be honest here. Yeah. Men honest. In hindsight.

Yeah. All my special sucked because I had to showcase the material. Dog, again, we're going to go back to this movie. Yeah. Because the guy did a tremendous job, and I read on it for years why and how. I even read Jack Nichols, Jack Nicholson's view on it. He would not learn his lines until the day of.

Wow. And he would read them once, and he got fucking, they did skits about it on Saturday Night Live. He would scotch tape the lines. Marlon Brando. So all those scenes and the Godfather, in the whatever hotel, the regency, and all those guys are standing,

they have footage, like not footage, but pictures of what it really looked like. The hotel in Cuba? No, no, no. When they went to the hotel in the city, you know, if anybody should hurt my son. Yeah, okay. Oh, wow, if he gets hit by a bolt of lightning,

then I will blame some of the people in this room. And that, I will not. That's a brilliant thing. He did that, looking at him, they're showing him, they shoot him looking like that with his arms folded. But meanwhile, when I'm reading, he's got the sign on him that says the lines and big fucking words like,

like you'd have to do it leave right now. Like, just ha ha ha ha ha. It's my boy. It's 420, motherfucker. Happy 420. So he would do that because it wanted it to be organic. And I'm going to be honest. You are organic.

That's what I'm talking about. You are you. For that stories, for those stories, anybody can make you laugh. Let's see if I can make you cry and fuck with you a little bit. So you challenge yourself. At first you did just make them laugh. At first, you beating up a nun, shit like that.

That's just funny. It's hilarious. You're a punk fifth grader or whatever. Now let's suck them in. Let's tell him the underbelly. But that's you going, I've done this enough. I want to learn this part of my game. I want to learn a different part.

It'd be like Shaquille O'Neal going, you're going to see me next year. She's hitting threes. You'd be like, what the fuck you're talking about? How organic it was. When I did the, there was two stories that I have to look at myself and go, Joey, that was a therapy session.

Because the time I talk about hitting a nun, listen to what I say before that. I never even thought about that before I got on stage. I could swear to my daughter. I never talked about that pain. That had been in me since 1970. My dad had died, Bruce Lee had died, you know, there was shit going out in my house. My mother had shit going out at the bar.

And I was the only white kid in all black karate school. I get kicked in the stomach every other week. How do you think I fucking felt at that time of my life? How do you think I fucking felt? And that came out. Dog, I said a line in the nun story that when I think about it, I got a hole in my stomach. That was not on the agenda.

Right. That was all. And that's when I go to the Puerto Rican kid, a little Roberto Clemente-looking motherfucker. When I said that, look at the react. I was in shock. They even knew who Roberto Clemente was. I was in shock, but there was so many.

Sometimes before I go, I have to do a big show and I'm nervous. I'll put what's happening on. And I'll watch what happened, how I got them to suck in. I did that all subconsciously, man. Yeah. I wish I could tell you I was prepared for those.

I knew where the story started, and I knew where it was going to end. Whatever came out in the middle. Well, that was you being you. That wasn't, I wouldn't call it shucking. But it was like, it was you just trusting yourself being you. So it was like, you could just trust it. People like, how come you don't go?

I'm like, dude, because he's a master. So of course he does whatever the fucking, he's proven it. So, yeah, I don't. First of all, I lived the story. Yeah. So it's not I wrote this fucking thing. Right. This is nothing, there's no script.

Right. There's the beginning, the middle, and the end. No, but it's also how you say it. What analogy you're making? You know, when I take you and that's a riot of cemetery, you can see I can't control myself. Of course, the end, I'm living it. Well, because also you do-

You only need three motherfuckers to survive. Dog, I'm breaking down inside. But it was like, this is what was crazy about it. You start with this hilarious, like, let me tell you about a Cuban funeral, how everybody's doing whatever and going nuts and overboard crying, giving out, whatever. And then you say like how this lady

took care of you. So you set up this like mom figure, really she became your mom. And then almost any other great comic, the story ends with Zeraita dying. No, I don't know if she died. I don't know if she died. But I'm saying

that's what would be. Right. What you did is you moved it to I'm a piece of shit. This lady took care of me and I'm a piece of shit. I abandoned her in her lowest moment after she took me in and I wasn't even her fucking kid. You made it somehow not about yourself, but like, yeah, you weren't condoning any of your behavior. You were like, that's bad. And you were like this level of regret that anyone can relate to on moments you just can't get back and you just have to live with failure.

And that's what life is. Just living with like, I'm not going to ever be able to correct that. It's not like I missed a shot in game seven. Next year we'll be back. I'll get my chance. You'll never get another chance. We've all had those moments where you will never get another chance to correct it. And it'll just make you a stronger person as it makes you a weaker person.

Because you're like, that sucks. By me telling that story. Yeah. It made me really fucking strong. Because that's what happened. People want the truth. This is what fucking happened. I was so caught up in that Miami run and California and my uncle that I was so ashamed to call her to tell her what would.

I couldn't lie to her until what was really going on. That's why I didn't tell him the story. She came from my mother's cut of the street. I couldn't call her up and go, this is what's going on. She was not accepted. So I waited until I got cleaned off Coke for maybe four weeks, so I could call her honestly.

And that's what happened. She went off on me for not being there. And I remember just dropping the phone because she wasn't lying to me. She was not lying. I fucked up. And I can't bring it back. And I'm broke.

I'm living off people's fucking couches. So that's how the story ended. And dog, every time I come up here and I have to drive downtown, I think about Zaraita on Sundays. When I go to get the El Pinchot, I don't go there to fucking eat the piece of meat. I go there to fucking remember

when I would meet Zerai on that corner every Sunday. And I look at the bar and I remember us being outside and taking pictures and shit, you know. So I tried to honor her with this. Tell them the story. Tell them what really fucking happened. She was a hell of a woman, and it put me up there to knowing what a real woman is the rest of my life.

We're not looking for the pretty one. Anybody can get a pretty girl. We're looking for the one that has got a gun next to. She was one of those bitches. So, because anybody can be good to you when you're alive. But once you die, are they going to come to your house and give you a kid a $5 a bill on Christmas? No.

Just another Hollywood icon that. It was a shame. What the fuck did you do? You didn't know him. You know, for years, you took money out of his fucking pocket with a storyteller show, whatever the fuck. And now you can't take care of the kid. And that's how I feel about our friend.

Do not mention his name. The big guy, you know, that I love to give back everything that he gave me coming up. Because let's face it, if it wasn't for Rogan, Ralfi, it was like three guys, man. You, this friendship started over me borrowing $200. and you're saying, I'm never going to see that $200 again. He was like, all right, come on, come about $200.

I was like, I mean, it was like, I had these savings that were going down, and I didn't know how to say no to him. I've told you this before. I'm like, all right, for $200, I guess I'll never have to loan him more money. But I'm not, this guy is a criminal. And no one's, no one's helping me out here saying, hey, don't do that. I'm just a kid. I'm like, okay.

Yeah, and then the next day, here you go. I'm like, what? Here you go back. Oh, wow. How are you doing, man? I'm already. And then he came tight on a Rogan thing. And then one day, I'm like, hey, man, I call you up.

And I'm like, hey, man, I got to borrow a buck 50 from me. Like, hey, heck, come over. He goes, I'm auditioning for a commercial. In fact, there's a role here for you. You want me to call the Korean guy? And I go, yeah, yeah. He goes, come on down. I'll give you the money and audition.

Boom, I nailed the row. That's how I got with Lawrence. Lawrence called me. He goes, you got representation. I've been trying to nail you for years. He's like, wow. Boom. Dude I have a joke in my Jew special.

That's coming out. Actually, they're putting on Netflix. That's a show special. There's a joke of like, we're the second smartest race in the world. Jews are the second smartest race in the world. And then I realize the audience like wondering who's first. I'm like, Korean. I'm thinking about Lawrence.

Law. I'm thinking about Lawrence are there. He was a fucking baller. But yeah, but seeing you on those shows doing stories like that, you and Jay and Pat and Ali and Sean Patton, Bert. And then everybody, too. Some of the guys had one great story, but like seeing these math, these Hall of Famers doing it. And it was just like, I mean, it was my show, but also I was an audience member.

I'd bring you up. Then I'd watch. And so I'm telling you, I was crying after I brought you up. I was like, Joey. And then I couldn't talk. I couldn't talk, dude. You're gone. And I'm telling you, like, I wanted to do that again.

I wanted to do it again. So it's like, fuck, I don't need comedy Central anymore. I'll just pay for it. We'll just do it. And me and Eric Abrams, the ones who did the show before. So we're alone in us a little bit of the extra money and helped us. And like, yeah, we did it. All right.

I commit for the second season. You were trying. Trying your best. Your knee fell off in the middle. I'm happy. It's 420. It's a control 420. Look at Lee.

He's all 420ed up. He just nodded into the microphone and woke himself up. That's the best thing since the Twitch episode when he fell asleep on the They won't be on camera. So you got no dates coming up. I'm doing a storytelling show in the Netflix festival on May 7th. That's it. That's fucking it until January.

Well, also I'm on Legion of Skanks every Monday. Okay. Three for Life. And then, uh, so you leave in May and you come back? Come back right afterwards. We'll hang out. You'll be in New York City after that? Yeah.

It's a pretty Yankee game. I want to do, uh, co-headlining show with you in a theater in Manhattan, like a, a six-week series. We could possibly do it at the Sony Theater. It seats 500. We could pay two other comics. Come up with us, you know, one of the girls, some of the guys that you know,

you know, and do it. Let's do an old-school one on a payment blow. No, we can't pay people blow no more. What? I thought we were talking about the old days. You got me locked in. No, there's fentany. You got me locked in.

I ain't given nobody fentany. I'm too old right now. It's paying fentany. Because I gave some 20-year-old some fucking powders in New York. Let's just keep it to the comedy. Yeah, I'm joking. Like a fucking make flyers like we did.

The Castro shirts with Netanyahu on the back. You know, let's go. Let's go. We got to fucking listen. My dream was to take over the boroughs. Yeah. Castro did. He took over the Provincius.

Little by little. If you want to take over the main borough? Let's take over Jersey. And we took over Staten Island. We took over Brooklyn. Next is Queens. And after that, we head into the city. By that time,

Mario will be back. My leg will be ready. And we could do something crazy, Ari. I don't give a fuck if I get arrested. I didn't get arrested for worse. Let's do Lenny Bruce. Let's go get arrested for words. Let's go fucking do it like an eight city tour.

We'll take Lee. He's the fucking king of swing up front. Yeah. We'll get three Jews and a cute. All sleep in front of us. Why is the aim to get arrested, though? We got to make a... Got to aim for it.

You want to leave something behind for your kids to be proud of it. It's the way you prove it. You want to hit one over the fence. You don't want to just do comedy. You want to be fucking comedy, brother. And sometimes if you got to drive with a flat tire for three days, so be it. It's a rental car. No fuck's giving it.

You sign the agreement. You know what I'm saying? That's what I'm talking. It's not comedy. It's a state of mind, Lee. It's a state of mind. Let me tell you something. All that confusion, you're going to write some of the best material you've ever written in your life.

Yeah. There's no fucking... Sink or swim. There's no nice hotels. It's super rates. You get the little towel and they smell like, you know what? So funny. That's what a tour is at the end.

And call it though. That's it. If I make it out of this tour, I'm lucky. This is when you just hung a niche and go, I don't know. How about the Ayatolo Kumedi? Like comedy. No, fuck him. He's been dead for 30 years.

Who's this Ayatoll? He's not Ayatollah Kamaini? I don't give a fuck. A different one? I've kept up. With a missile? That's nice. And everybody holding one of a machine gun and Netanyahu whipping us while we shoot people.

Look, I'll put out my little Drew Curles. We make videos of us helping Netanyahu hold people. Do you want the cigarette? And you're still doing a podcast now? You take a breather. Now travel podcast. And when you did your place for the last time, you'd be tripping. That was fun.

Doing a lot of them. That's fun. I recorded a year ahead of time before I went on vacation before I went traveling. I got a year's worth ahead of time. So I was off in fucking Brazil, partying carnival, my podcasts were still coming out. So I was eating steaks in Buenos Aires. My podcast was still coming out.

This was for you young comics at home and Lee and everybody, Ari and I had a conversation about 10 years ago. Here we are with CAA, the world's number one agency. And me and Lee are like, what the fuck is going on? Nothing's going on. We just keep going on the road. And it was funny. At one point, I go, you know,

We always thought that when we got with a big agency, you could just sit back and smoke cigarettes. But no, you still got to hustle more now. Because now they put you in the A league for sure. You've been walking around in the A league mentally. And Johnny Mansell was fine in high school. When he got to the pros, it was game over. You got to try.

You got to try. Yeah. And it was really weird that we would say, we would sit behind those comedy store steps at two in the morning and devour your dreams for each other. Yeah. Man, I can't wait. but I'm never going to get bumped by Eddie Griffin again.

I can't wait to get with CIA. This shit is not going to happen. So you just learned a lesson. And guess what? You could be with two of the best agents in the world. You still got to hustle. Yeah, you got to make your own way. You got to make your own fucking way.

We are lucky. Our agent was with somebody else. Then CA lost half their agencies overnight one day. And then they asked our guy, like, do you want to be? and me and Joe, like, so what does that mean for us? He goes, it means you with CIA. I'm like, what the fuck? Like the feet from the night, dog.

What? We went from a... Hipson, Hudson County style. Do the back door. Through the back door. Through the back door. Just like that. And I kept my mouth shut.

I hinted once or twice about the fucking theatrical. They shut me down. I'm like, you know what? Whatever, whatever. I don't give a fuck, Jay. I'll get to them. Because they're like the mafia, dog. You got to show up every Friday.

Yeah. And I sent it quick. When I land, that's the first check of my right. They got the commission Tuesday. I don't want any problems at them. Keep them happy. I don't want any problem. Because when you owe them, it's not good.

They're the Jews. They're the real deal. And that's why I'm with them. I love them to debt. No complaints here. But it's funny that we're with the best agency. It's still going to work. And we've still got to get up every morning, like your balls on fire,

even more than when you were 26 or 27. So if you don't know. open, Micah, and you think you're working now? And oh my God, I can't wait until it gets easier. Bitch, at the 30-year mark, you're still waking up, eating cereal going, what am I going to do? Am I going to do? Am I end up on a ship or playing the ukulele in somebody's house? Yeah. It's real. It's real. You know how fortunate we are to be here to talk about stories from 97 on the Sunset Strip, 2004, getting the longest yard, watching all of us grow? I still remember our boy

when he came to me one night. It was like a dead Thursday night. He was like, Joey, I just got my seven producer session and I can't book a TV show and he had sadness. And I looked at him and I go, brother, if you booked,

if you went to seven producers session, you're right there. You're right there, yeah. You're in the machinery. You're not a civilian no more. You're in the machinery. They're talking about it. You're making people think.

and two weeks later he got that stupid show on FX when it's easy. It's easy, yeah. I still remember. He was taking inner city kids on tours of the trees up on Laurel Canyon for nothing. The only way he made money was to steal the comedy store left and right. It would be like one for me, one for you, one for you.

And he paid his rent on that. And then one day he was just big. But right, he was in the mix. But like you said, you've seen these stories enough times. You're like, I know how this is going to go. I remember Tim Dillon going like, oh, it's tough for me. I'm like, Tim, they're talking about you.

I can hear them talking about you. Like you're about it. Now it's up to you, how much that'll go. If you get into drugs or women, well, that was going to be his problem. But if you get into drugs or her ass pussy, sure, that might like take you off your track. But they're talking about your, you're on this escalator right now. It's up to you how far you want to go. But like, trust me, you're going to be fine.

I think six months later, you got new faces in Montreal. and then he was off to the races. And then, like you said, cover the spread. Did the extra work. But, like, you can just know, like, dude, you're about to, you're about to be fine. Colum Terrell on the end, on the storytelling show, he's like, you're about to, you can see these guys getting frustrated.

I'm like, you're about to get. Listen, I took a bunch of animals too, but I'm in training. I have to cut this episode short before Lee falls off that couch, and then we're done because they'll sue everybody. I'll instruct them. I'll say sue me, get seven. 30, whatever. The insurance will take care of it.

Yeah, split it up. I don't need to fall, though. You almost fell before. You got to pay that you got to pay. Halfway slanted. Like one of those junkies you talk about that you walk by in the city. You're making me nervously. He's got the lean.

He's got the weed lean. You got to get in training. You're all right, buddy? No, he's okay. I love you, brother. Thank you. Buddy, I love you too. It's so great to see you.

I wish you. I missed you so much when I was gone. I know you don't have. have a passport because of your past crimes, but you would have loved a lot of these places that I went to. I know. I would have loved a lot of things over there. But, you know, the law that disagrees with you, me,

and the fucking $8,000 I've already spent on false promises. I got my $200, so I'm good. Someday a senator is going to hear this and fucking reach out and go, Joey. Listen, I did the background. Okay. You're good. Give me a passport. Let me just make the fucking call.

shut it down and then I'll make the call the State Department where you want to go everywhere China Hong Kong London you just played Toronto you would sell out the city no no no that's listen that's Canada that's a complete different animal those motherfuckers they don't play they're like herpes they never forget your sins yeah and try getting in there you're not gonna get you want to go to a Maltfi coast some shit like that you want to just want to go to Italy yeah I want to go to Spain need some paella I want to do with those type of things

things. Listen, if we're going to walk around and look at churches, leave me at home. Leave me at home. I got a bum knee and a fungi toenail. I went to Cuba. You would have loved that? I know. I got 3,000 fucking steps today right now at this knee. After that, my knee starts to hurt. So I'm happy. I'm having surgery next week. At this time, next week, I'll be fucked up at the house, brother. You got that good opium? For the first two or three days, I'm going to go with the pain pills because what are you going to do? I'm getting all these cartridges. Some guy gave me like a recipe to kill pain at least by 40%. He said he got off to opiates in like eight days.

Give me some advice. Every time you do a pain pill, do two shots of Jack to Annals, and you are nice. That's okay. Take it to leave it. Hey, with my advice, you take it to leave it. Listen, I give a lot of bad advice, too. I love you, motherfucker. Thank you. Lee, I love you, brother. I love you. I... What'd you say? I love you too, buddy.

All right. I love you guys. See you the same bad time. Same bad channel. Yeah!