The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - At Least I'm Not Lying with Paul Virzi

Episode Date: February 25, 2025

One of the wildest episodes of The Church to date! Comedian Paul Virzi joins the Church to talk everything from picking up hitch hikers on The FDR, the only people who are allowed to judge you, the thing Joey and Paul both do that holds them back comedically and more! Support the show and get 35% off your first 3 NYKD orders at https://www.nykdpouches.com/CHURCH

It's Tuesday the 25th of February. It's almost over, cock, suckers. Anyway, we got the church, New Testament. We got a nice guest. And it's Tuesday morning. Let's get this fucking party started. What's happened, you bad, savages you. I'm going to talk to you guys about Onit.

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list of them and they're all good and uh tell them uncle joey's saying your church get 10% off your first order now without further ado let's get this motherfucker started Welcome back to Shit What's happening? We got my main man In the house tonight Mr. Paul Vizzi

V-I-R-Z-I I just can't say it Because my fault Toot What other words Can you say? We got our word We got our main man

Fucking Lysayat over here He's sober today No more I'm not sure I just took a hundred fifty millerre I can't keep doing this You fucking nuts We do this

to we're dead. We do this to do the Marines, dog. That's it. There's no cleaning up. But Williams don't take 400 milligrams and an Oscar winner's here. There's no giving up.

Before you become a seal, they give you like a thousand milligrams cold. And I've done that 800 times. So knock it the fuck off. A thousand milligrams and no water and you sit there.

First of all, no Navy seal has ever taken a thousand milligrams. They don't take it. Somebody gives it to you. You know what I'm saying? It's the fucking Navy. What's the most

you ever taking? 2,200. What? You took more thing I took 3,000 was the biggest for me I think yeah about the same you go to hospital no We're gonna fuck the hospital we send people to the hospital what the fudson what the fash in the hudson What is an edible gonna do to me? Can you want if you swam in if you swim in here? What is an edible gonna do to you you're immune to what the fuck is wrong with people? Oh shit

That's like white kids from Iowa. I don't know what to do yeah, my heart was bleeding Yeah, he's coasters here. What are you talking about? No, listen, as much as I'm laughing, that would be me. Well, from the East Coast. Remember your father used to beat your mother? And your heart would beat the same fucking thing. They got divorced before.

They got divorced before he could beat her. Yeah, but who cares? You ever hear? Like a neighbor beating up his wife, your heart's beating. You're hiding under the bed and shit when you're raised. You're hearing it. How you love me? How are you who that made? Oh, man. What's up, boy?

What's up, boy? up man. Huh? Me and my buddies one time. We were like in high school and I'm not a big weed guy because I get, I get, you know, that paranoid anxiety shit, you know. Some people, they lose it. But I would, I was drinker.

You know, I would drink her. You know, we'd drink in 40s and all that shit, right? We would just call people over, give them five bucks and pay them a little. They would come out with either the Old English, old English crazy horse. Old D and shit. Old D, crazy horse, that shit, right? Those are your Negro days. So, yeah, yeah.

No, no, my buddy had a Riviera. This is when you were still black. Dude, he had a Riviera. We go down the FDR with Wu-Tang pumping. Seriously, that's the way to do it. We're going down. We think we're cool skipping school to drink in Manhattan, do dumb shit.

And we picked up a hitchhiker off the FDR. And he goes, he gave us weed. And like assholes, we went back to my buddy's house and we smoked it. Dude, I hit this weed. And I remember, I don't know how long the time was because it did something. It was laced.

I'm staring on my buddy's kitchen floor. And my butt, I don't know if I stared at it for five minutes or five hours. I just was staring at it. And then I looked up at my friend and the pattern of the floor was on his face. And my fucking started shaking. And he's laying, I'm laying down on the couch. He's rubbing my back. I'm telling you, telling me, I'm going to die. I'm going to die. I'm going to have a heart attack. You know, the fuck. I go, how long was I sitting there? It was fuck. So after that experience, the weed, I don't fuck with it.

But it was stupid. Who smokes shit from a stranger? It was laced, something. I'm new to New York. That's the shit. The FDR is like a highway. That's the shit. You would have loved it. Yeah. When a stranger gives you weed, that's my world. It was a stranger hitchhiker. And we just fucking smoked it and it did something to me man it fucking did something to me how did you pick up a hitchhiker on the FDR it's like a highway yeah he was just going like this he was walking up and it was off the side my buddy just my buddy

goes come in come in he ran up ran in the car real quick hey can you take it we took him did you ever pick up a hitchhacker Joey because you pitchhiked in Colorado but I never gonna pick unless you're a hot chick I ain't stopping you know what I'm saying let's be honest I'm not yeah are you gonna stop for some guy looks like Grizzly Adams no

it could be 100 degrees you're like fuck this dude There's a chick out there with a white dress and a thong on. You see how fucking... And she could have 20 zits on her face. You're still pulling over. You're still pulling over. I got to look. I'd have to look.

Dog, I had the weirdest experience. And I don't... With Idaho? No, no, no. The other one, Nebraska. I was coming back from Michigan, and my fucking tire blows out. And I kept sitting on the side of the road

and a chick pulls up. And like a Toyota. fucking smoking with a white dress on, fucking flip-flops, dirty chick. And she's like, get in, I'll give you a ride to town. All right. And she's like, you should come over. And I'm like, oh, shit.

At that time, years earlier, HBO had a show called The Hiker. And, you know, it would be a guy picking up a chick, and they would fucking suck, and he dropped her off in Jersey. So I'm young. I'm 20, no, I'm not fucking young. I'm 30-something. and she's telling me all this shit and I'm like, I'm getting fucking pussy

and next thing you know she goes, yeah, if you're hungry we go back to the house, we'll eat and then we have prayers at six. I live in a... Got what? Prayers. I live in a...

I live in a whatever, like a commune. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We say prayers, we're Catholic and old Christian. I'm like, you could drop me off with the gas day. That was the end of that fantasy. Fuck, I'm gonna go say prayers.

Pray you to get late. I'll do anything. I'll work you to death, but I don't want to pray for pussy. You know what I'm saying? In front of a bunch of other Christians and shit. Because it's tough to focus. When you want to fuck somebody,

you ain't praying. No. You're saying, God, how good is that ass taste? Yeah, let's get back. It's good to see you. Good to see you, brother. You got a show this week at... Yeah, I got a bunch of shit coming up.

Big tour coming up. No, but you got Wednesday night. Oh, Wednesday. I'm doing Dojo. Yeah. I love to do it, but... They're going to take this fucking ball out of my here finally. So I don't know what's going to happen.

They're going to give me stitches and shit. I'm going to look like a doberman with a bandage on. You know, you know, see when the shepherd gets his ears done. People take them out. A little cone around you. Yeah. Leave them at home. The poor guy don't want to be out.

The dog's like, Jesus Christ. They took me out with this fucking Doberman's at that. Not German Shepherds when you fix their ears. When they clip them? They clip the ears to make them pointy. So I don't know what's going to happen Wednesday. I don't know if they're going to give me pills. I don't know if they're going to put me out.

I have no fucking. idea. Oh shit. They might just shoot me. He's an Indian guy, so I trust him. You know what I'm saying? Those Indians got a steady hand. I love like when you say stuff like that, like we're supposed to know what it means. He's an Indian guy. Like, what is it? I don't know. He's good. India

only sends the best here. They don't send Armique. What's America? We'll take you. You can be blind. No, you want an Indian doctor. Yeah. You want Indian doctors. Really, it's changed. I was going to say it's not Jews anymore. It's Indian? No, but it's either. Okay. It's either. Yeah, it's like half down the middle Yeah

I had no idea Fuck They're taking it out I didn't know they found what like I didn't know there was anything in there They're gonna slice it And clean that motherfucker out I was supposed to go for a second opinion

Tomorrow but Every time I call it to 20 minute wait They want to put me back Into the rotation And call me in an hour Go fuck yourself They can call you when you're jerking off Or you're taking this shit

Or you're walking in the house With groceries Hi And you're like listen I just got groceries Yeah Call me later. I called you three hours ago.

What happened, though? What was it? A yeast infection. And then I got rid of the yeast infection, and something started hurting in that. And I kept going to the doctor. There's something in there. I don't know.

Put this cream on it. Just yank it the fuck out. Get the cocaine. Shoot it in my ear. Get it out. Get the fucking knife. Let's go. Why are we?

This is going on since October with this fucking guy. Yeah, I hate that. I go to the doctor. Get it done now. Yeah, what are we doing? How long? October. I got body work.

I got shit to do, Jack. When you get old shit happens, I got to go get my teeth fixed. I got to go fucking fix my ear. I need glasses. Yeah. You got all the senses got to be. I've been fucking using a reading glass.

I've had these reading glass from CVS's. These things are like, you can step on them, light them on fire. Everything else breaks. Do you even do the test with those glasses to see which one helps? I feel like you just go pick one and it might not even be the right one. No, they have numbers on them. Right.

2.75, 3.0. I think 3.0 is the highest. After that, they give you a dog. They give you a stick in a dog. I'm excited to get that fix. It's been hurting you for a while. What? Your ear.

Oh, some days I have a headache on this side and the ear banging on this side. And every morning, I got to open this up and let the fucking shit draw. Oof. Is it a hearing fucked up? Dog. I hear what I want to hear.

I got selective hearing. Yeah, yeah. I want you to do a gig for 50 bucks. What? Get past old. No all in English. My ears fucked up. My ears fucked up.

Get that number up. I'll fucking hear you better. Get the number up. I hear you better. Yeah. I know, man. I got all kinds of. I got back issues.

That's right. Neck issues. I got herniated disc. You know, because I play, I'm an asshole, though. Like, I'm in my 40s. I play basketball on Sunday, Monday nights. Take it seriously.

No, but you know, like you act like it's going to be recreational. And then next thing you know, I'm fucking. I'm like, dude, I'm close to a triple double. It's nuts. Close to a triple double. What am I fucking nuts? My wife goes, my wife said to me, she goes, if you fucking get hurt, go home with one of your friends.

They're not coming back here if you fucking tear something. You see that Tom Segura tape. Oof, that. Did you see that? Yeah, that was fucked. How come you're still playing basketball? Well, I wouldn't do that. You know, I was, I'm an athlete, I'm athletic, I guess,

but his shit looked like a fuck. That was really. Oh, yeah. Dude, that was fucked up. Let me tell you something, man. And people, once you're over like 35, is a different game. Once you're over 40,

it's a really different game. It is? Listen, I remember getting out of high school and one Sunday out of high school. They said, come to where that football player was from.

They had a flag football league. I played one game. I covered. I couldn't walk them next to them. Flag football. I'm lifting weights. I'm fucking drinking. I'm snoring coke.

I'm the best half my life. And I go play flag football. I can't get out of bed on fucking Monday. Yeah. I was 21. What the fuck? Yeah.

You know, it's all changes at all. But once you get over 40, man, all that shit gets trick. It's funny you say that because that's what they said. They said the most injuries, the most injuries for dudes over 40, there's basketball. They tear their knees.

It's fucked up, man. Jiu-Jitsu, basketball. I do anything I can to lose weight. So in L.A., before the, during the pandemic, I picked up bike riding. And that was okay. I got the helmet. I forgot about that.

Everybody who gets a bike, It goes into the garage after three times and collects dust. It's the fuck. During the COVID, everybody was fucking John Claude Keeley. Everybody was riding their bike everywhere. I go right in the shop right. I do this. Once the COVID ended, everybody's bike.

That's what happened to the other people. The one that you buy, what's the bike you ride at home? Oh, the Peloton. They sold two million of them during the pandemic. Now, nobody wants a Peloton. Everybody's got them on a yard sale. Oh, yeah. Go to a yard sale.

Give me a small 20. take it because it's just a coat hanger. Now it's like Renaissance, they do it for like 20 bucks a month. They don't buy you can't, but they were like two grand. I remember those bikes. They were expensive. Fuck that. And I remember I took a bike riding and I went and got my tooth done and fucking she gave me Vicodin. And I got up that morning

my tooth was hurting. I can't see without my glasses. So all the pills were together. So I thought she gave me the moxicicicin and the whatever. The antibiotic. I thought it was the amoxicillin. It was a viking. I popped one of those. I get on the bike like Johnny. bar. It's eight in the morning. I'm out there. I'm talking. Not Magnolia. Was it Magnolia Lee? The big street where the diner was a restaurant was. That's Magnolia. Yeah. No. Yeah. Where Marie T. was, uh, yeah. It wasn't Magnolia, but Colfax? Coffax. Yeah. I'm on Colfax. I'm having

a great time. I'm in the HOV lane. You know, that little bike lane they got. I'm sticking to my peas and cues. I wouldn't ride behind anybody because they're breathing. And the shit's spitting. And you're back there, you know, sucking COVID, all his germs. So if there was somebody on a bike in front of him, I would cross the street and go opposite. You're right? So I'm driving the fucking bike, and all of a sudden, I'm starting to feel fucked up. I'm starting to sweat profusively. I'm fucking sweating up the storm.

I've only been riding a bike for 15 fucking minutes. What's going on? I mean, it's coming out of me, you know, all of a sudden. I can see I'm not even riding the bike between the lines. I'm going outside the lines and shit. I'm not even in the line. And then I went to gun on the sidewalk. And I fell.

Oh, shit. And I'm like, that's no good. I'm taking this fucking jet back to the house. And I went back to the house. And I'm there ready to make the turn. And I fucking fell. Wait, you got it back on the bike? Yeah, I didn't fall the first time.

I was just high. Oh, I thought you fell. I'm not walking from cold water and fucking cofans back to my house. Calling Uber. I thought you fell the first time. Okay. Fuck you. You ride that bike back.

You know what I'm saying? Like a soldier. You left with it. You got to bring it back. Yeah, you got to bring it back. I fucking hit the thing. I'm right to make a turn. And right away,

I just fucking went down. And some guy was looking at me and I'm shaking my head. He's shaking his head. I'm like, it's not good. Then I got the bike up again. I got on it again. 20 feet later, I fall down again.

I'm like, oh, fuck. Oh, shit. This time I landed on my chest. I thought the fucking thing was broken. I went in a... The shit we do and we're by ourselves. Oh, yeah. Like, you don't need a camera for this shit.

No. This is for your entertainment purposes. Oh, dude. I fell on Times Square like a month ago. You what? I was running to a mic and I just, it had one of the, like, the crosswalks that had like a little island in the middle and I didn't see the curb and I just kicked it.

And in the middle, I just went. For some reason, time always, did time slow down when you fell on the bike? Always. Because I was fine. And I could feel myself. and I got my hands and like Taurus came over and saw if I was okay. Like I, it was embarrassing. Oh, yeah.

Oh, when you fall. I got right up. My brother, I guess he just was with some horror online that he got found online, like a Craigslist horror back in the day. Like, you know, back in the day, you could just go to Craigslist. And like, my brother was like a shy kid, but like if you wanted to get late, you know, he would. So this is, this is back. And this chick, this chick, I guess, like he called me up.

He goes, man. He goes, I had, because my brother's one of these. He passes out when he sees blood. shit. So when he goes for a physical, he has to, he, no, he, they know, like he lays back, he can't see needles in a movie. He goes out, right? You got to put earphones on. Yeah, yeah. So he, so, that's what I do. I put earphones on. No, he can't, he can't see. So he calls, he calls, he calls on Santana, and he looks, yo, dude, he goes, I, I think I, I, fuck this woman without a condom, man, and I don't know, I just met her, right? So I was selling at the time,

I was selling phone cable internet door to door in Queens when I, when I dropped out of college. So I was knocking on people's doors in Queens at 6 o'clock at night I saw on phone cable internet. That was my job. And they gave us a hard hat for no reason. I had a hard hat.

I had a fucking hard hat. You know what I would do with the hard hat? I go, yeah, you see those lines up there? We fucking meanwhile, we did fiber optics in there. But I was just talking shit, right? I had a clipboard and stuff. So people would let me in. This is the true story.

A Greek woman lets me in, right? And she had kids, but she was probably in her like mid-40s. And as I'm sitting there signing her up, I realize she's coming on to me. She's talking to me about a guy. She's not with anymore. And she goes, I like younger guys. She goes, I was just at a nightclub with Greek.

She was like, me and my girlfriend took home these 20-something-year-old Greek kids. I'm telling her I'm Greek and Sicilian, and I'm 23 at the time, and she's into it. My brother's calling me. Yo, I fucked her without a con. I go, buddy, give me a second. So he's going, Paul, you got to,

and I said, Christian, I can't talk right now. I can't talk right now. I got to go. Next thing you know, he's on the train platform, as he's going down, somebody screamed, get him in ambulance. He came off the thing. thing and was just so worked up about fucking this woman that he fucking just went down on the

platform at the subway but he said what Lee said is true he said it was slow motion but he said while he's going down he hears calling ambulance they said calling ambulance while he was down but but in his mind he was fucking like this but he was freaked out about that man and he uh he fell in the way where the trains were did he fall down the stairs no no you like you know like in between the trains right he was on the platform and he just was like really distraught over what happened and he went down he went down yeah but he heard somebody say he called an ambulance but he was down when he when he heard it does he blame you for not being able to talk everything worked out like he was everything worked out he's fine he's fine

he's got a little twitch no he's the one time it freaked him to fuck out though man it freaked him the fuck out that happened to me with a condom on what at the 1040 club I was 17 and these animals went over there and I didn't have my own car And I got stuck with them, and they paid for me to go in the back. And I had a condom on, and she jumped on top of me. And she was fucking just grinding. And I'm like, this is disgusting. I can hear the condom going, and the mattress was fucked up on the bed.

It was one of those ping-pang-poo's, the beds that you open up. What's a ping-pang-poo? That's the Cubans call them. It's one of those beds that you open up, and you lay it down. Like a cot? Yeah, like a cot. You sleep in your god. mother's room right this place is a 1040 club was a hookah place oh and the city was 999 plus tax 1040 so

fucking it had like beds but cubicle wall oh yeah like little cubicle walls you can everybody fucking and she's on top me and i'm like oh god get off i didn't know what they're doing finally she stopped she goes for an extra ten dollars i'll let you eat my pussy and i just threw her off I'm like, you fucking Billy goat, I'm not licking that greasy thing. Remember those shitty futons with the wood, the woods that would break? Remember the futons?

I broke a couple of them. You know what I mean, right? The thin wood. Yeah, the Japanese people weigh 100 pounds. You're going to put a Cuban on there that weighs 200. Ralphie Mae had a futon. When he first moved to fucking... Rest his soul.

Los Angeles, that motherfucker had a futon at Joy Medina's house. And I went over to see him, and he was laying down with that. And when I walked in, he goes, Coco, and he got up. and you're ta-da-ta-ta-ta. You know what a futon is, right? Yeah.

Oh, dude, it was... Nothing was worse, though. Nothing's worse than when you were going to hook up in the bed situation was shitty, like a shitty mattress in the corner.

Who needed a bed? No, fuck it. When I was young, there was no bed in the corner, like an animal. What do you mean? No bed? No, you got up against the corner.

Her neck is... You don't give a fuck, right? When you're in the heat of passion, she's like, ouch, out. You're talking. You're talking. trying to pull her hamstring, pull her leg back, while you eat a pussy in the car?

You were in the car? Remember that fucking in the car? How disgusting was that? And you had to push the seat up and you couldn't eat in your legs, had to fucking stick out the window. Yeah, I had a Toyota at yourself. I tried the 69.

I almost died in the fucking car in the back with a chick in Michigan, Dearborn Michigan. She was a little Arab chick. Were you almost died? Yeah, because I couldn't breathe. She dropped on me in the back seat. She just dropped that hip on Papa, huh?

She sat on your face? Oh, fuck yeah. I had my nose in her asshole deep. I could smell falafels. Fucking. Fucking. Oh, fuck. 1999.

My first rode together. How do you remember the year? Because how are you going to forget somebody's sitting on your face? Her legs gave out and she just dropped on my face. And I'm like, mu, mo, mo, mo, mo, mo, mo. I sound like a fucking kid with autism. I was about, gnee. Look it.

This is not good tonight. You know what I'm saying? We're going to get canceled for this one, but I don't give a fuck. I'm 62, I got nothing to lose. Take it all. I don't give a fuck at this point. People are going to try to say shit.

Yeah, take it all. I don't give a fuck. That shit's going away anyway, I think. What? Just every, you know. Oh, that was all the bullshit phase. Yes. For people who bought into that shit.

There's some people who made it back, and there's some people. you know who just didn't they let it happen yeah don't let it happen stick up for yourself yeah say this is why i did it if you don't like go fuck yourself and yeah you're not gonna have a job you're not gonna have a sponsor for a while so you gotta start from scratch and then six months it's for god but you but you're right if you're honest about it and you go yeah that's that's the way like it's funny too because you're breaking balls with friends back the day it was never malicious it was never malicious i never used a slang word against a group that was malicious against a group it's just what you

You called your friends. You would joke with your friends. You talked shit with your friends. Then when you did it on a podcast or you did it on stage, these people were able to, like, go at you. And you're going, I didn't, fuck. You don't know me. You don't know the person.

They went after me for a podcast where I told the story about 1997. The podcast was done in 2009. And they came after me in 2020. And I refused. I was like, you bitches could suck my dick. All of it. In fact, I got, I put a story about, going down on a one-legged woman in Boulder.

I delivered Chinese food to her. End up peaking her ass and shit, yeah. But it was also your parole officer. Yeah, she was my parole officer. It wasn't just a woman. No, she was originally my parole officer. Then I got off parole and things happened. Now, can I ask a question about when you say one leg,

is it like half or like the top? No, no, she had like a limp. So in my mind, I always thought that this leg was all. She got shot in Vietnam. She was good looking. So when I went to take a pants off, I took the pants off the good leg. because I didn't want to know about the battle.

I didn't want it to get in the met way. You got a nut and all of a sudden she's going to tell you, she stepped on a grenade. I don't want to hear that. I'm ready to fucking eat some ass. Also, I got to hear a fucking Vietnam story or whatever war she went. I don't know what happened to her.

Very good looking, very good, tall. And I just put it up. I said, fuck it. If you like that story, wait until you listen to this one. Bam. Yeah. And then it was your brother who called me and said, listen,

they want to, they want to, They want to fucking wave a white flag They don't want to do this no more Because fucking my people from the podcast When that those bitches Oh, okay Yeah It was classic

Well it's weird Because like I think the real One of the reasons Podcasts are so big It's because people feel like they connect with the hoax And they can talk It's honest

Because we're talking the way we normally talk They're not seeing us on stage Doing a bit telling a story They're seeing us shooting the shit here Having fun And it brings them into our personal world Is what it is Listen

When I do a podcast I don't want to feel censored. Right. I don't want people to say this because don't. This is what people do and this is how we speak. If this is not what you want to do, go watch fucking a clean podcast. Yeah. Go do whatever suits you.

That's the right we have as Americans. But the right that we don't have as Americans is me going, I don't like what Paul Verzi said. Right. I'm going to fucking show the video and cancel them. That's not a right. There's two people who could do that. A man by the name of GOD and a G. and a judge, a good

fucking judge in New York City like an old Jew judge that looks to you and sentences you and you take it like a man that's who could judge me. How specific that got as that was going by? A nice old Jew that don't take no shit. And he stares you down for a second.

He's got like fucking a bad foot or something hurt. He's in a bad move. Amazon stock went down. You know. Oh, that's a rough day. You know, and that's who could judge me. That's who could sentence me. but three white chicks, four white dudes,

because it's always a dude too. When it comes to sex, it's two chicks and a dude. And I like to grab that dude by the neck and go, you mean to tell me you wouldn't get your dick sucked in the back to the restaurant? Well, I... You die for that.

You lying sack of shit. And you want to know something? You lying sack of shit. No, he's right. And a lot of times these people that call out people for saying things when you go to their past, it's worse. It's almost like a cover.

Everybody's got their fucking bodies. Nobody's got the wrong. Right. Yeah. To go into your past. Yeah. If you want to go into my Twitter from 2016, go ahead. You're not going to like what you see.

You're not going to like what you see. But I don't give a fuck. I could have gone back there and erased at all. I don't care. Right. What's done is done. You cannot judge the one that destroyed me was when they went after the fucking white dude, the judge, because he grabbed the girl's mouth during a fucking,

a sorority party. 20 years ago. A white guy. Yeah, the Supreme Court guy. Remember all he covered a girl's mouth in a party. What would you rather do? Cover the mouth to put a dick in there. Let's get that off the bat.

If he covered a mouth, that's one thing. Could you imagine him spitting that dick in there? Then that's another. But you're going to try to cancel him? Or about something he did? Dog, I saw a thing they were trying to cancel Sinatra, Dean Martin, and the Rap Act. People went after Vegas, dog.

It was insane. They were trying to go after Sinatra for being a fucking womanizer that they would try dog. They went at Vegas and said, we want to take Sinatra. Get the fuck out here. He died and whatever. He wasn't even fucking the way. He had a wig. He was forgetting his lyrics and shit.

The fuck is wrong with people. Yeah, it's because they just went on their run. They went on their run. They went down a list. Yeah. And they go and look at something you did. It's evil, man. They go look at something you did in 1995.

Listen, man, I can't judge over 1995. Right. How old were you in 1995? 14, yeah. You did creepy things. You jerked off in places you shouldn't have. Yeah. You came on things you shouldn't have, right?

Yeah. There was a camera. We all would have been in jail. He's fucking nailing it right now. I'm like, yo, you know something? But yeah, no. You're 12 and 13. You do the creepiest thing?

I did some shit that I'm not proud of your kid. No. Yeah. I had an aunt. I had big tits. I would sniff a bra. I would go to a house just to sit in the bathroom and sniff a fucking bra.

And I get all dizzy and shit. But that's what a 12-year-old does, the 11-year-old. Then when I was 13, I graduated to the douchebag stick. What? The hot water bag with the string. You go to your mother's house. Oh, Jesus. They had the red bag with a little thing.

That's a douchebag. They don't know what that is. You take that, sniff that motherfucker. You pump out a little maluki in the bathroom. You come out, your cheeks are red, you're hungry. Your mom's like, look at him. He hasn't eaten like this in a while. He hasn't eaten like this in a while.

He's walking with a limp, you know. No, if people, if people, that's actually a really good point though, Joe. It's like if people would have saw some of the shit that you did as a 14, 15 year old kid and then judge you today, it's kind of crazy if you think about it. You're 40 and you were 25 and you did something? Yeah. You're a complete different fucking person. Yeah.

I'm 62 and I look at the years now and I go, wow. I was a complete. There was a time I didn't rob. anything but I could steal tape but I always stole lighters I love going to 7-11 talking to the Indian and then taking a lighter put in my jacket no shit I would steal right in front of them yeah that's my gift you don't steal in the back yeah you steal right in front of them yeah you talk to them oh do you like the jet ooh pipty pipe you know it took me to my whole family everybody's worried

about me because I was get arrested I would steal you know always drinking getting fucked up steal and my mother said from like 20 two on. I'm just a completely different pretty. You know what I used to steal? I used to steal hunks of provolone cheese and gummy bears. I used to get fucked up and I would go in and I would go to the sharp provolone cheese, $18 hunk, fucking down my pants and gummy bears. I think you robbing a safe. Food. I would fuck it. Yeah. Is that what you got caught for? I was, uh, no, that one, I got caught for cigarettes and dumb shit like that. But when I was, when I was a kid, I would steal, I would steal provolone cheese, gummy bears. Yeah.

Like not like you know and then or like when I we almost got arrested big trouble we almost got into big trouble they wanted to make examples of us but we that we got rid of the stuff we tried to rob an outdoor bar an outdoor bar by a pool we tried to open up the bottom and steal bottles and all of a sudden all these alarms went off and we're running I fucking took off I didn't know where my friend went I'm running down the highway I'm running slow when you were running what's that because when you're running the time moves slow too it was done hearing this when you're hearing the siren and shit I was panicked because all sorts of alarms went off and I'm running down the street I I don't know what happened on my buddy.

And there were rumors going, when they find the kids that did this, they're going to make an example and put them away for a little bit. And I freaked out. But I got lucky. I got blessed, man. You know, a lot of stupid things.

Dodged a lot of bullets as a young man. But comedy and, you know, sales, knocking doors and comedy made me change me. But like you said, from 22 on, I changed it. And once I grew up, you know, but I did dumb shit from like 16 to 25. And there's a thing. We all do dumb shit.

Right. And even when you're a grown man, you start doing dumb shit. whether it's going to a strip club, you just do these creepy things. We've all done it. You know, and at the end, you've got to ask yourself, because this is why I really changed.

I changed in 2006. After the longest shot, I went through hell. And I made a decision, I go, you know what, somebody said this to me one day. And they said, don't let your character ruin your destiny. And that fucking hit home with me. Like, I was like, what this motherfucker just said? And I stopped.

stealing lighters, I stopped thinking like that. Because I knew if I put my effort into stand-up, instead of fucking around. And then once I stopped doing blow, then the sky was the world, because something else is detracting your energy. It's like when you got a bad piece of pussy. Every day a bad piece of pussy for a year, and then you guys break up and you're like, dog, I'm a different guy.

You know why? Because I was spending my time thinking about her. Yeah. You ever have a girlfriend that drinks or her uncle's going to die and then every day they bring it on you. And you're like, I'm trying to get my dicks out. But all of a sudden it makes you, oh, well, her uncle and blah, blah, blah. It takes your energy. Yeah, yeah.

It really does take your energy. Or a mentally ill girl that's beautiful. Beautiful, but she's mentally ill, and it puts it on you and you're fucked. And you're fucked. You're fucked, yeah. It's just, and I'm not even talking about it, girl. It can be anything. Somebody once said to me, if you took all the energy you had into stealing and

doing all that shit, could you imagine if you did something good with it? and I'm like, Jesus Christ, I never looked at it that way. I was too late. I was in prison. The guy told me in prison. It was if you take you. It's too late. Dude, I can't wait for Joey to talk to his grandkids. I just be like, you ever get a bad piece of prison?

What grand kid? I'll be 78 by the time I have a grand kid. You look great. Yeah, keep saying that to you. People always say, you look like 50. Really? Good. What do 60 look like? I'm 60. I'll let you smell my nuts. It's like looking at the inside of a tree.

You ever cut a tree? Let's see how old it is. And you have to count the circles. It looks like your mattress when you were a kid from all the pee on the bed. Remember you had like this circle. It just kept getting bigger.

You think your sheet off. Oh, that was when I was 14. When I was 8. There's a little puk in there. There's a shit stain. And that's what your balls look like? What? That's what your balls look like now?

No, but I'm saying, you know, people always say, you look younger. Really? Sniff my nuts and see if they're... Take a 23-year-old. Take fucking Nikki, wash his nuts, then take my nuts and fumigating, and put a fucking a thing on your eye, like, fucking, you know, like a faggot on Tuesday night. They put those blinders on.

Why is this your reaction to a compliment? People tell you you look nice, and you like smell my nuts. Because I'm, I don't look nice. Why are you lying to me? I'm an old man. I got a chicken thing hanging. Where am I going? I've seen guys your age look a lot of work.

Oh, yeah. I've seen them, too. They drink every day. They ate bad pussy, you know, somewhere they ate a bad, but you get a batch of bad pussy. That'll change it for two years. Those guys that drink of smoke cigarettes every day, though, they're fucked. They're fucked, dude.

It doesn't affect us as bad as fucking women. Like, when they keep drinking from 35 on, you take the drinking, the smoking, and sperm, and put those things together. That's a fucking Yakasaki bomb there. Irish women, Irish women, go to hell quick. If it's if it's if it's if it's if it's booze and cigarettes and they're beautiful and they could be beautiful and then they hit an age but smoking and drinking all the time they get I'm we're lucky you're cute I'm Mediterranean I'm Sicilian Greek it kind of you know you got the Mediterranean skin but when it's the fair white skin when they smoke all the time I'm true I have terrible skin but what about dude what about like going I've been featuring on the road a little bit this year and then I go to like Iowa or Kansas City there's some like I've spent all my life on the coast

and people generally try a little bit there's a lot of people I've met who I'm like I'm surprised they left the house it's pretty that's pretty when they come up to you online you go to Central Jersey you'll ask yourself that question every day really why this person leave the house doesn't like this

why would you leave the house you comb your hair it just takes a little bit to look decent comb your hair put some vizines some little bit some little bit You don't like brushing your teeth? Listerine your teeth. I don't give a fuck what you do, but it takes...

Some people you see and you're like, it's not going to come back. This is not good. It's over. And you try, you drink water. You know, I try to drink as much water as I can. You know, you fucking take your vitamins. They got me on everything now.

Since I got out of the hospital, they got me on everything. Every fucking amino acid. Oh, you're on all the shit. Yeah, I'm even taking mullin oil. Yeah? Mullen oil is good for you. It's what the Indians use.

You take fish oil? You do fish oil pills? I used to, but your piss smells terrible. I never took it, yeah. Oh, fuck you with your piss? Your helmet smells fishy. You know what I'm saying? You don't need that, you know what I'm right?

No, I don't need that, no. But it's good for your elbow. I'm married. I'm having a hard time getting a blowjob as it is. Now all of a sudden I'm going to have an issue. Smelling? Fuck that. They forget when you get married.

Then you have like, you have the Christmas blow job, the birthday blow job, and the Halloween blowjob. Halloween. Hey, you got to look for it. What's going on? It's November 8th. You're running late here.

It's like the T-Mobile bill. You know what I'm saying? The Halloween blowjob job, you're doing it because it's not you. You got like three jobs a year when you get married. After like three years, you're like, all right. They're like, thank God I'm married. No, bitch. It said through sickness or in health and dick suckings are an option.

They don't, but I got to be honest with you, though, a dick, yeah, like a dick is an ugly. fucking thing. The fucking ugliest thing in the world. It's like a deformity hanging off like to ask her to do that and be into it. I kind of get that she doesn't want to, but they fucked with you when they first got with them. That's the problem. Let me explain one thing to you. There's pretty pussies and there's ugly pussies and there's pussies that look like Gaza. They look like fucking I saw a pussy today on the internet. This chick has fucked a thousand guys. I'm not going to say her name. She shows a pussy on Twitter and today she put one out fresh out of the shower. and she showed a camera shot from her pussy oh my god look like Medusa they had like a bunch of fucking you know and then you get the chubby chicks

and the pussy goes in that anything and you look at it and you're like nah damn it she's got it because you try to guess like when you start connecting with it you start looking at the monkey

going what do we have down there is it a fucking were you good at it did you have like a pretty good I was always pretty good at you had a good range Like you can look at the face and have a good. I only get like two or three ugly monkeys.

The ones that look like that built from the inside and the tuckie is all the way in. Come on, man. I got to get chopsticks. But I think all dicks. But I think all dicks are ugly. Oh, dicks are disgusting. Yeah. And they smell weird.

The balls are completely different situation. I mean, it's really unbelievable. Like, you know what I mean? I sleep on my left side. Yeah. And for some reason, that's what the only nuts what I get is on the left side. I'm not. And it's not like water. It's like you go like that and you're like, Jesus Christ. You've got to go in and put soap on it and fucking rush it. I give it to the cat the smell for a minute.

No, you don't. Yes, I do. If I scratch my ass, I give her a little bit. What is Gray the thing to your balls, but does Gray like it? No, I mean, she never said, yum, yum, yum. You know what I'm saying? It's not like she talks. But you always got to give an animal a whiff, just something. They don't know what that is. I also have a toe. one toe, all my toes are fucking clean. I got one toe that's got like blisters in it.

And I pop it. I just had to put stuff on it to last week. Every night I go, what the fuck is wrong with my toe? And I'd pop it. And it'd be like a paste, like a fungi paste. Oh, God. And one day I put it by my wife. She's like, Jesus Christ, what's that smell?

I'm like, I got to put some stuff on my feet. I had to get that Luluman. What's that shit that you put all over your body? That shit's good. What's that? Have that cute doctor invented it? Have you ever seen that? You don't sweat nowhere?

Dog, I put it on my fucking feet. You don't sweat? No, you put it on your feet, put it on like deodorant, nuts, ass. Just isn't the commercial. Put it everywhere. Oh, wait, Mando? Is it Mando? Yeah, one of those.

That shit worth. Oh, yeah, that's good. I put it in my asshole because after I shower, you take the best shower in the world. I got a lufor and I got a little asshole lufor. Right? You won't just for the asshole? Yeah, I told you this years ago.

I cut the new lull. I forgot about that. You got a separate lufel for your ass? Yeah. That's incredible. But why would you want to use the luf on your face and then scrub your asshole with it? Yeah.

That's disgusting. And you can't use a washcloth because then you always got that little piece of brown or blood. Well, I was hungry. I was hungry. So the lufa really scrubs around the muffler. You ever see a chick's asshole and it's kind of brown? It looks like gunpowder residual on the edge.

I don't want. gun gun rioted people. Not that anybody's going to look at my ass, but just in case I die, they're going to go, that's Joey Pierce. Take a look at his asshole. They're going to go, that motherfucker had a residue from gunshot wounds. So I never wanted that. So I take the luf and scrubbing in that muffler. Do you ever check to see if it doesn't have the residue? But here's the problem. When I come out of shower, even after I loof in my asshole, if I take the towel and wipe my ass and I smell all the towel, it still smells like ass. So I said, fuck this shit. I'm going to start using Luluman, whatever the fuck that is.

Yeah, I think it's man, though. And they have body wipes, too. It's good shit. Yeah, it's really good, man. It was a woman that invented. She probably was with so many dirtbats. That's what she said. She goes, I sucked 18 dicks and all of,

I was one for 17, the bull between. Think about it. A woman has to go between your legs. That means she gets the asshole. She gets your feet on the right. Whatever side she's sucking on, the left or right, that outside nostril gets foot, nut, and ass coming at you.

Come on you. She said that. She goes down, there's a part of a crevice that you can't get. Yeah. So she made this. Put it in there. I did. I fucking sit on that thing. Demando, a little tub. It's like one of these, it's like one of these nicotine cans. It's that big. I just sit on it for a minute. My hemorrhoids gone. Everything. We're good. Let's take a break. I want to talk to you guys about Nick the best. We'll be right back. Oh shit. it's Nick nicotine pouches

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let's get the party started you know what I'm saying we're back bitches anyway what else is going on Paul you going on tour in March yeah man going on tour I've been home like I've been waiting you know because it's like the year started out I'm just fucking home I got you know I got two kids my son's a basketball animal my daughter's good in sports and then but I want now March starting March I'm going hard I'm going everywhere, you know. You know, I fell in love with you when I saw you doing a podcast yelling about comics that call you up to go to the park for the day and throw a frisbee around.

Yeah, you want to do the fucking, yeah, you want to do the comedy poker game? Yeah, that's what I want to do. I don't like you when we're at the fucking club. I'm going to sit there. Yeah, we're going to, yeah, a couple of comments. We're going to go down to Washington Square Park and throw a frisbee around. Yeah, that's what I'm going to, you know what, honey? Tell the kids, I'm not going to be home tonight or today because I'm going, yeah, like

that's, I'm not one of those guys. And listen, sometimes it hurts me. I'll be honestly. No, it does hurt you. It hurts me. It hurts me because I'm not a, I'm not one of these, hey, you want to come to fucking naked roast battle? No, I don't, you know?

I want to go on stage, I want to get better. That's the one thing. It's like before pandemic, I should have went harder with the social media for numbers, but I just was getting better. I just wanted to get better at this. That's the most important thing. Yeah.

That's way better than social media. Yeah. Think of guys that got beautiful social media and they suck on stage. Yeah. So if you don't have this to promote, right. You got nothing.

No. And like, I don't mean, nothing against it, like either, too. Like, people are, oh, Paul, you got to go on, you got to go on kill Tony and stuff like that. But I did one time I judged a roast battle, and I fucking felt bad, you know what I mean? See, I can't do that either.

So somebody goes, Paul, they told me to come to New York Comedy Club, and they go, just judge a roast battle. These fucking guys are going to, and this guy, I'm like, making fun of this guy, sneakers, I'm fucking, you know, just a couple things that all of a sudden, after it's over, he comes up, he goes, hey, Paul, hey, hey, man, big fan, so nice to meet you. And I'm like, I can't do this shit.

I can't fucking judge a paraplegic. I don't want to judge. I'm fucking one minute. I can't do it. It's like when people say. And it's not against it. It's nothing against Tony. It's tough.

It's not. But I can't do. I can't watch somebody come out and fucking do something that I know is so hard and me kind of shit on it. And I'm Sicilian, dude. If you say something personal to me, I'll fucking. I can't. I can't. I'll go go fuck.

You know what? Why do you think I don't do that shit? No. I don't want to be on your fucking stupid roast. I don't want to be on a, I don't want to be a judge. Yeah. That's the hardest thing in the world. It's telling somebody they suck.

Who the fuck are you to tell somebody with a dream That you suck That kid might take it the wrong Fucking way That might be everything in his fucking life He goes home at night and cries himself to bed And you're gonna tell him that The joke was not well written

Who the fuck of you? None of us are fucking None of us are fucking Light the world on fire When I'm in theory Everybody's saying the same shit anyway Yeah yeah Everybody's talking the same shit anyway

It's yeah You know so what's the difference So for me Roast like you go up there and then somebody roasts you I don't want to do that because I'm punching the fucking mouth you know what I'm saying because I'll stop what I'm doing and punch in the fucking mouth because white people get cute

it's not the colors or the Mexicans white people get cute and they say shit and yeah it's a roast but I'll fucking kick you in the stomach after the fucking roast yeah you talk about my kids I'm gonna fucking bomb you car I'm gonna bomb your fucking cars that I'll show up to your house and like I don't want to I don't need that I don't want that that's why I was you know

before we met I don't know if I told you this but before we met, you know, Dom Lombardoz, says, you and Joe, we got to connect. Brett Ernst, you and Joey got to connect. Bill Burr, you and Joey got to connect. And I remember I reached out to you one time, but you was still in L.A. I didn't hear back from you.

And then all of a sudden, when you came here, when you came back home, we reached out. But there's like a, I kind of like the stay to yourself, stay to your family, do your thing. And all you could do is be real and do that stuff. But yeah, listen, I'd rather it be this way than me being every fucking doing everything, judging and everything.

I just don't, you know, that's just not who I am. Listen, did you start comedy when you didn't have a family? Yeah. You had a wife at the time. Yeah. Okay, you had a wife. That's even different.

Yeah, it just... I started comedy when there was nobody around. Yeah. And that is poetic justice. Yeah. You don't have to be home. No. You go out seven nights a week and do comedy,

which is what you really love. At the end of the day, it's what you really love. I had a girl I dated for four years. And I spoke to it. You know, we always talk now. But when we broke up, It took a couple of years for us to be friendly. And I asked her, I go, why did we break up?

And she goes, I would go back with you in a heartbeat, but I'm not competing with comedy. Yeah. She goes, it took me three years to realize. You know, her parents would come to town. Like, they want to take you out to dinner. This is L.A. Yeah.

I'm not in L.A. to go out to dinner. You know what I'm saying? Like, that's your mindset. Yeah. You're not in New York to go to dinners or to fucking play the guitar or to go see somebody perform. You're in New York to do comedy. to get up.

Seven nights a fucking week. That's why we're here. I was in L.A. I know those people. Tonight I'm going to go do this. My girlfriend. Okay. In a year, they'll call you.

I don't know what's going on. My comedy. Well, you wanted to go to a concert with your girlfriend. You want to go to concerts with your girlfriend? It's a girlfriend. It's not a wife. You could tell them to shut the fuck up that you're going out. And they're not coming because they're a painy ass when you do comedy.

I love my wife. You don't see that. No comedy. shows, do you? No. I love her. Because I know the situation. It's too cold in here. It's too hot. How long are you going to stay? I want to get home. How are you going to stay? I'm tired.

The food was cold. Listen, I don't give a fuck if they give you a poison. I'm here to make these people fucking laugh. When my wife said to me, she goes, is this going to be one of those things where you're going to be out to one? Yep. Yeah. That's it. Okay, I'm not coming. In fact, two for saying something. I was two for saying something.

I'm not out there cheating. I'm not out there eating strange. jazz. I'm out there fucking doing comedy. I'm out there doing comedy. And then you get a girlfriend like I did. And she worked at the comedy store. So it was easy. We drove home together at night. She got off at two and I went home at two.

And it was easier and she understood it more. But something happened when I had the kid something like, what about I doing? Hanging out with these jerkoffs. Yeah. It got to that point. Even at the comedy store and it's hey dad, go down and go, I'd much rather be watching Coco with my daughter.

Some fucking guy playing a skeleton playing the guitar. Yeah. And that's what happens. And then you, you know, how many people we know. I'll tell you what my wife told me once. We grew up around Rain Pryor used to come to the store. She's a fucking sweetheart. Rain Pryor is a sweetheart.

His wife's a sweetheart. But my wife said something he wants. She goes, let me ask you something. If Rain could have her father over the millions he left, what would she pick? Her father. Her father was nice. ever home. He was lighting himself on fire. He was snort cold with this one and that one.

Kids remember that shit. That's true. Kids remember that. I only got one go at this. I got one go at this. I don't have time to go to the Comedy Plaza on Tuesday night to sit there and go up at midnight. I'd rather not. No. I could write material, which is even better. And you know, you're bringing me back to these stories where like I was young and I would make mistakes because I didn't realize. And I'll never forget. I'll tell you story. I was. actually at a bar and I'm drinking and I'm at a bar with Bill Byrne. He's looking at me and Bill was always, you know, Bill treated me a way where he was like, man, you're going to do this and that. I see it. Like he would say these things which were really, but I didn't see it yet

because I'm just this young asshole. And he goes, what are you doing? And like I had to drive home and I'm on like three drinks. And I'm like one of those like I think I could, when I was younger, I thought I could beat it, outsmart it. I'll drink. Then I'll go get a fucking some street meat from one of the fucking Arab dudes. Yeah, then I'll go get an egg sandwich or water and I'll drive home and I was and he and I remember I had a little boy at home and and it and it pissed me off to even think about now but I remember being like like buzzed on the ride home and like not to the point where I would but like I shouldn't be driving the car and I remember and he's nobody said to me he goes you know I know you know what you have you know you may think you know what you have at home

goes but you don't know what you have at home and I remember thinking about that I'm like yeah like I felt like a asshole because I was doing these things that could have really fucking detriment to my myself to somebody else my career and I was I was like, and then like you, I don't want to mention names of the club, but there's a couple comedy clubs that people, you see these guys at three o'clock in the morning just staring at a glass of wine,

not going home to anything. I'm like, I don't wanna fucking be that guy. I don't wanna be that guy staring there, knowing he's just going to pay his bill for his one bedroom or studio apartment to do spots his whole life on a hamster wheel and have nothing to come home to, man. I was like, that's not for me.

No, and I didn't want that. No, I mean, listen, nobody wants to die alone. Right. I can't imagine dying alone. No. With nobody. Maybe you met some lady at the 55 and overplace, you know, on the way out. Whatever.

Yeah, yeah. On the way out. Yeah, but whatever the fuck. Like, it tighten me more. Like, having my daughter made me realize my time. And how much time I was wasting. Yeah. With people, wasting.

Yeah. Whether it was on the phone, like, once I moved here, I stopped all that shit. I'm like, these videos of me smoking dope, they went out the window. Just videos and whatever. I looked up my Instagram and I'm like, there was a point when I remember getting up in the morning and it felt like I had to tell people something. So I would go outside, ask Lee, 6.30 in the morning.

I'd be in my yard, smoking dope, telling people to get up, fucking nobody owes you dick, your mother blew somebody. Wait, what do you mean you had to tell somebody something? I like it. You feel in your heart. Like there's 10 comics now. I look at Instagram.

Yeah. And there's three fucking fourth time. a day. There's a guy who does wardrobe changes, a comic who does wardrobe changes, does videos with nothing, then videos with glasses, then videos with a leka hat, and you're like, you know, after a while, how many videos do you put up? How lonely do you feel? So when I got here and I looked at my, wasn't my Instagram, as much of my Twitter and my Facebook, and I go, that shit is coming to an end. You feel like everything has to. to be put on tape.

You still got people like that. You can't be around in two minutes. Let's take a picture. Get that fucking camera out of here. I just got here. Save it for later. In fact, don't. Well, here's the hard part, though,

because it feels like, at least from like a young comic, it feels like the only way to get to a point where I could maybe take the next step is to have social media take off. No, no, no. I'm not, you do. But you're also working on comedy and your social media.

And it's 80% comedy and 20 social media. Right. You know. So it's for people doing just all social media. You're talking about people that just, they need so much attention that they'll do any. There you go.

Look, I'm making eggs. I'm fucking. Every week. Yeah. Them in a stadium with the picture. You know, every week. You know, every other day, go stand up.

Listen, we know you're a standup. Yeah. You know, that's what made me like, we know. The worst is when somebody famous dies. Yeah. Stop putting the video. videos of you smoking pot.

They know. Yeah. It's over. Knock it off. You putting up a set every day of you were the ukulele, you were the guitar, knock it off.

Put one up a quarter. That's 15 minutes. That destroys. At the end of the year, that's 60 minutes. That's a special. You didn't save no money. You just go to your local comedy club

and tape fucking 15 when you're ready. All of them got cameras now. You don't need. He ate cameras in there And, you know, and this is all of them now. It's a dependency. It becomes like... There's also mentally ill fucking people

that are really fucking, like, you know, the worst is when somebody famous dies and they go like this, and they go like this, and they go like this. And they never met him. They go, you know, I walked past him and we bumped arms, but he could have been a dick, great guy.

It's like, you don't fucking know him. You never fucking met him. You know what I mean? You know what I mean? And they act like it's, they act like they were, a part of it because everybody else is posting pictures with this person that they know and they got to make it about them it was you know Joe bartnick a friend of mine he had a great he had a great thing he said

it's been one year since uh it's been one year since all these comics made robin william's death about themselves and that's the truth that's the truth it's it's it's uh and that's what my daughter showed me yeah they didn't need to do that shit she's on there now the last thing i need is for her to see me smoking dope. My daughter walks into the garage every day and she looks around like dad she knows somebody in that house smokes refa she's not gonna see me right her knowing and seeing it's two different fucking that's true she's not an age now it don't matter she's 12 she I can't hide nothing for me right yeah but that really sat me down and go Joey what are you doing here I was getting 15 phone calls

from people I met at comedy shows yeah that I would give my number to And a half the day, you're taking calls from people. Hey, where are you this weekend? Maybe I'll meet up. I'm at my daughter's karate class. You think I want to hear from you and your fucking stupidity. Yeah. But you're so scared that you have to sell a ticket.

Yeah. You have to sell a ticket. You have to sell a ticket. You have to have these people give you a word. And that's great to a level. After a while. Now you're impeding on my time. Right.

You know, it's just, and you can't go on my daughter in my time. unless you're sucking dick, putting fingers in my asshole and spitting hundreds out of your pussy. And, you know, minimum 10,000, like 10,000 is coming out of a pussy. And even then, what am I going to tell my daughter? I cheated on her mother? Yeah, no.

And she's 12. Yeah, no. She's 12. So you look at all these things and go, I don't want to be involved with them at all. No. And I think the one thing that beats it is quality. Quality is like you said,

it don't have it 80, 20 the other way. Have it 80, have it 80, that way, or 90-10. Comedy is always the most important thing. Your stand-up is always the most important thing because word of mouth, mix with the social media, mix with the stars aligning,

is going to get you going. That's exactly. And that's what people don't understand. It takes time, it takes a lot of time. I see a lot of young comics trying to sell tickets now. Just get good. Just get good. Get really good.

Yeah, because one is, yeah. Book something to go counterpart to stand-up, get your little 20 minutes on Comedy Central whatever the fuck I don't even think they do specials anymore I think it's just Netflix and Lulu and it's a fucking progression but even if you go on last whole standing

and you win and you got eight minutes what are you going to do on the road? Let's say you got a total of 25 minutes what are you going to do on the road when CA signs you what are you going to do is you're going to do three shows and they have to call a guy like me or Paul to come in the headline with you that's the truth because the touring working. No, because you do this fucking dance on TikTok

and you sell out of theater. I've had owners go. After 15 minutes of excitement that they're there, there's no show. There's no show. So people leave upset. They're making the person who was middling, go later. I even tell people like, I wouldn't do, and I'm not trying to knock it, but that America's got talent? Well, first of all, I'm not following a fucking dog jumping through a hoop. Yeah, yeah, that's what I'm going to do. I got a dog's jumping through a fire fucking. And I hate fucking magician. I don't want to see a fucking magician.

That guy's going to make a card disappear, and then I got to go up on my bullshit. I'm not doing that. But like, like you said, all that stuff goes away. Oh, here's the winner of this. It's like, just take time. It's going to take time. It's going to take time.

Look at your calendar and go, fuck it. Yeah. And I'm not talking about year. I'm talking about years. Years. Like, if you look at that calendar and go five years, 10 people are going to know who I am. And you hope for that.

10 people are going to know who I am. And you hope for that. But if you're thinking like that, you're not going to become a good comic. The goal is to become a good comic and then let the ocean part like Moses. It's not, well, you know, I'm trying to sell tickets. Once you say that to me, it's not going to work.

You're trying to sell tickets. It's not going to work. First off, you're going up against 200 people every weekend. 200 people are killers that really sell tickets, whether it's theaters, you know. And you've got these, a lot of D-Clubs have opened. A lot of C&D clubs, which that's where you'd be looking at. Because even if they headline you, nobody cares.

No. You're not going to go back there when you really headline. No, no. The guy's going to call you, come on back. Fuck you. You guys serve fucking, you don't even serve Coke. You served that fucking Coke from ShopRite or some shit. You want me to bring my people in there.

Get the fuck out of here. You got to be there seven days for $6.50? Yeah. The fuck out of here. Yeah. That's the truth. But I all, I did that. that. Yeah. And I knew what it was. You know, I used to come here two times a year and sweep on his

couch, three times a year, and I'd do everything. And then when I'd go down south, I'd see my brother Chris' house. And then when, you know, I had places. His uncle, he used to slip on his balcony on the 34th floor in that circular tower. I would just go outside with a blanket. Really? Really? Yeah, I would come home and like, I was featuring. Yeah, yeah. I'm getting $500. No apartment. No hotel. Nobody pipe. pays for your car. You buy an eight ball. That's gone.

Yeah. I drove to Milwaukee for $350. I lost money. I drove to Milwaukee to lose fucking $200. Yeah, that's what we do. Just to get in front of a packed crowd. I drove that far. But that's what you got to...

Yeah, it's investments in your career. That's it. You got to take a loss. You got to look at it like I'm taking a loss now, but I'll get this back later. Yeah. And all those people that come to you and go, dog, I'm doing a party for my dog.

Do you want to come to do 15 minutes? I can't pay you. I'll give you a sandwich. and food, you're punching into a clock. You're not going to get paid today, but if you stick this game out, you're going to get paid for that. Not how you expect it,

but there's always something. And it's the nights I didn't want to go out. Those are the nights when you make it happen. The nights when you're like, dog, I started a Coke on Tuesday, last night it was out, Wednesday night it was out, I didn't sleep last night.

And you sit on the couch and go, I'm staying in tonight. And you put TV on and go, I don't think so. and you go down there, you do a set and somebody comes up to you afterward. I got a week in Jamaica for you. Yeah, it happens.

That's how it happens. No, it happens like that. The night you don't want to go out. Yeah, yeah. It's, I remember one time, well, two things I want to say, but one time, going back to what you said, this guy goes, he goes,

hey, I got a friend, he's got a bar in New York, he's a fan of yours, he wants you to come down. And I go, that night I'm with my family, you know, I'm not, I can't. He goes, well, if you want to come down, he'll put you up, he's a fan of yours. And all of a sudden he puts me on a fucking flyer, which I said no.

So then my wife goes, you know what? The kids aren't going to be here and I'm going to bed. Why don't you go? I go, there's four audience members and 11 comedians sitting around. As soon as I got there, I'm like, fuck, I should have stayed. You know what I mean? And I go, all right, well, now I'm here. And I went.

And I'm going, what was that joke I was working? What was that joke I was working on? Long story short, I did a joke that I remembered that I just wrote down. I did it at fucking where the 76ers play. And I got an ovation during it. and I closed my, I did one of my specials with it, and I traveled in theaters all over with this joke that I just did in front of, that I didn't even want to go and do,

but because of that, but I got a great story about you. I got a great story about you. So it was 2000. The world shuts down. I'm working on... 2000. 2020, I'm sorry. 2020.

Yeah, no. Yeah, you're like, fuck that. So 2020, the world shuts down. Everybody's staying home. Nobody's got anything going on. I'm working on the material that, was going to be for my Netflix special. And I would go and walk a track.

I'm one of those I need to think it first. I need to think it first. Absolutely. And I would go walk. He went to the Manhattan. I would go walk by the river. I just got to think it and manifested in my head. And I'm walking.

And I remember I saw a clip of you on Rogan. And you were talking about this comic. You look, yeah, I saw this guy at the store. It might have been Adam Ray. Somebody. You're like, I saw him. He's getting good. He's getting good.

I remember watching. And I remember I was talking to a buddy in mine. I forgot who it was. I go, man, I go, yeah, I was like, I wish these dudes like Joey and Rogan saw what I'm doing in the city. Like, I want, I want you to be talking about me like that. Like it was, but it wasn't in a bad way. No, no. It was in a motivating way.

Listen, I love what. I want to laugh. Yeah. I want to laugh. So, so I remember walking the track and I remember talking to the producer of my podcast. And I go, two things I want to, two things I want to do. I go, I want to do a Netflix special. And I was like, and I wish like a guy like Joey Diaz and Roe.

Rogan would know who I am. Maybe I'll do Rogan's podcast. And both of those things happened within, within two years of me thinking that. And then he ends up, the first time we talk, you called me, you said all these nice things.

But like, that work that you got to put in and not to be corny, but when I was knocking doors in Queens, and I saw some wild shit. I saw, you want to hear one fucked up thing? I knocked this fucking shit comes out. Half her face beautiful.

The other half fucking burnt. And she was angry. She was, and I saw it was fucked up. Then one guy looked like a goblin. and he was like, I said leave. And he was fucking smelled like drugs in there. And he was like, yeah, like I saw some,

one chick wanted you fuck you. It was like, when you go knocking doors in Queens in the middle of the night, anything could happen. But you know what I would do? You know, one guy freaked me out, dude. There was something going on. He was all fucked up. But when I would knock the 10 extra doors

when I wanted to go home. I wanted to go home. That's what you saw. But when I would knock the 10 extra doors, when I knew every other salesperson was fucking gone. And it was 8 o'clock at night and I should be gone. I would just knock 10 more

and I would make my quota for the week and I became a fucking supervisor at 22 with people fucking 50 years old working under me because it was the same thing in comedy I didn't want to go out I don't want to go out and I was like you know what I'm going to go see if this club's going to give me five minutes and then I would get that five minutes

and I'd get a bit from that and it was like it's you get the world gives you back what you give it I really believe that absolutely the universe is always watching and they're seeing that you're on the couch picking your toes, watching TV. But they're always watching. When you go down there, you've got to borrow money

to put in your gas tank. And I was in that position a lot. Really? I have to knock on my neighbor's door and go dog. I need $10 to a Friday to put $8 in the tank. And $2 for the tip. Yeah. $2 for the tip.

The soda they're going to give you. At least you have $2 for a tip. I've been there. I know the universe is always watching, and if you think of something and write it down, like every month I wear it, wake up and I write down what I want to do that month. Yeah.

I only have four shows, but I want to do well. What do I need to do well? I need to write jokes. Yeah. You need to get on stage a little bit, you know? Yeah. Just a little bit. I don't want to go out every night now.

I don't have the energy. No. I don't have the energy. I'm looking for some place to go where it's kind of quiet and you can walk in and walk out. Like Gotham. Yeah. Gotham, you can walk in and walk out.

Yeah. You know, I don't really, I can't. I see myself doing comedy on a Friday. There's too much going on. I don't mind like a Saturday. But Fridays no more. I did enough Fridays. Yeah.

You know, I did enough fucking Fridays, you know? And I don't want to be in a hotel more. That's the other thing. That Saturday morning, that Saturday in a hotel is fucking brutal. It's fucking brutal. The Sunday's worse. I go home.

You go home on Sunday. We don't work the Lord's Day. No, no, Saturday night I'll drive. We don't work the Lord's Day. Do you wake up Sunday, morning at a casino you feel like a piece of shit. No. You fucking wake up and you look at the fucking casino floor

on a Sunday morning, these fat fuck's getting brunch and you're four hours away from home. Fuck that, dude. There was a casino. I'm not gonna say where because that's, the casino paid a ton of money. They were paying features like 8,000 for the weekend. What?

For four shows, about eight years ago. And I did it and they closed down because a comic one on a podcast and talk bad about it. So the Indians told the booker No More Comics. But this place is one of those casinos that it shut down at midnight.

And I'm one of those motherfuckers. If you're in a casino, that means at six, if I got to catch a plane, I'd call room service. Or I could stop somewhere and get an egg sandwich, a real egg with a yolk. And I got powdered shit at the airport that they give you. So I remember going downstairs. They're like, we don't even.

open until nine. The place was shut down from 12 to 8. And you're sitting there hungry. Yeah. You know, and people complained about it, I guess. But they paid you. Those Indians, they don't fuck around, though. They pay.

Those motherfuckers lift the rock, Jack. I think I know which one you're talking about. Yeah, yeah, because they don't like when you're talking about the gigs. No. Yeah. But I would never talk bad about a gig. What the fuck? It's a good gig.

I mean, now we think about the gigs we did. 20 years ago. And you go, what the fuck was I thinking? They were taking advantage of me. That piece of a piece of shit. And just the people you worked for. Yeah. Like I went to the club one time

and somewhere in Texas, like off the beaten path. And the owner comes out and he's a good dude, big dude biker. His wife had the biggest tits. But real big tits. Like, and she was good looking with the thin waist.

I mean, they were fucking jugs. And they ended up, they went to jail, both of them. because they robbed something together. They were both. They own a company and they robbed the company. Oh, shit. They both got shut down in jail.

But that's the place where this family comes up to me after the show. It's four of them and all them were ugly. They all had fucked up haircuts like somebody could. Lee, snap out of it. Somebody cut their hair like this. And that's 150, Lee. Now you're starting to worry me. We've got to go into serious, serious training.

You're over there fucking drifting off into Chas Park. I'm in Terryville. What, Chaz didn't take anything, did he? Huh? Chaz got fucked up? No. Even if Chas was asking, what's wrong with you? Yeah, I got $400 last week.

Now I can see, I'm fine now. 150? No, you're not. I can light a cigarette in your eyeball. That's how Reddit is. It's like the cherry. Yeah, you look like, you look how I want to feel later tonight when I laid out. Oh, yeah. You're good, huh?

I guess. Yeah. So what are we talking about? Oh, the family. They come up to me and they're like, man, that was a funny show. I'm like, okay, and I shook his hand, and he hadn't washed his hands. It was like grit on it, and underneath was like butter. He put his hand in butter, and then put, like, sand on it.

Oh, my God. And he went out that night. I remember shaking his hand, and, oh, God. And then I go, all right, good to see you guys. They go to me, we want to take a picture. I go, right? And I'm going to hug these people. Oh, sure.

And I go over, and I'm like, all right, who's going to take the picture? Like, we don't know. We ain't got a phone. And I go. Even if we take a picture, I'm not going to send it to you like, we don't want it. We just want to take a picture.

I was like, this is fucking... Like, you remember all those fucking things. You remember, man. And when you're in a theater and there's 800 people there, you think of that. When you come out, and you go, that's where you get your strength from.

And we do it so much, and we've done it so much that you remember those moments. I got one for you. I'm in, I'm in Cleveland hilarities. And there's a couple. I remember this big black dude takes his wife out for her birthday

and they're in the front and I'm up there doing my thing and just in the middle of my set he goes, bitch shut the fuck up what the fuck did I say? And he starts stomping on the thing and then he's looking at me with this ice grill and I'm going to what's going on?

I was man shut the fish fucking bullshit! And I was like and the fuck I'm looking like, yo can somebody is there security? A fucking a 5 foot two skinny white kid who looked like he should be, he wasn't even big enough to watch.

And he just comes in, excuse me, sir, and I'm like, he could have taken his kid and thrown him through the back of the fucking stage and they're outside screaming. But you remember,

in all the things, we do hundreds of shows a year, but I'll never forget that. I'll never forget when somebody approached the stage, you know, things like that. You don't forget those moments. No.

And when we're all set and done and we're fucking sitting in a rocking chair ready to retire, you remember that shit. You're going to remember that, man. I was scared, though. That was a scary one. And by the way, fuck any club or any venue that doesn't have the right security

because they want to save money. And by the way, you've mentioned it before. Shout out to Gotham because Gotham has ex-NYP. Listen, you fuck around there. They'll throw you out on your fucking head. They'll open the door with your fucking head at Gotham. They do it. Old school detectives, a retired NYPD.

No, and they're sitting there and they got a trench coat and a fucking hat. And they're good guys. They don't give a fuck. You're smoking dope with three hands. They don't give a fuck. They don't give a fuck. And if somebody talks, they have the one, you know what they did? Christmas, he shot at to Christmasville.

One time somebody was online hammered. Hammered drunk. And before they got in, online. And he just goes, hey, buddy, it's not going to happen tonight. And the guy goes, what do you mean? He goes, you're not going in the showroom. And you're, what the fuck I paid? He goes, here's four tickets for any show you want to come to.

You're not getting in there tonight. And it develops a culture. These cops go up, excuse me, don't talk one more time. You're out. If you talk another time, you're fucking out. Then you got people. Oh, we like the interaction because we don't know. So you don't want to pay.

You don't want to pay and you're letting the, you're letting the comedians. There's a comedy club in Jersey. I'm not going to mention that fucked me. And they don't think I know they fucked me. And I know they fucked me because I'm able to deal with it. I can go to my act and kill with my act and do it. I've been doing it long enough. But then you've got to stop and deal with five animals that have been doing shots and

drinking since 4 o'clock. And you got to shut them down. Then you got to go back to your shit. You could do it. And they don't want to pay security because they know you could do it. It's bullshit. They know. they know.

Sometimes you got a steam... And what's it cost? What's it cost to give some money? Sometimes you got a steam roller with those motherfuckers. Yeah. Like sometimes I just give people a look. Oh yeah.

You know, and then if... The next thing is, dog, you're embarrassing your girlfriend. Nobody wants to embarrass their girlfriend. They shut the fuck up. And steam roll. Like, you don't know. Dog, I had the weirdest thing that happened to me when I shot my special.

Oh, yeah. Doug, all your life, you're waiting. You just, Where was this? Chicago. Rosemont. Rosemont. Great room.

Fucking great room. Love that room. You can light yourself on fire in that room. I love that room. And there's a dude who's drunk. And it's one of those dudes that she wanted to come to the show. But he was like, fuck him. He's not funny.

Oh, yeah, yeah. One of those dudes because he's jealous that she wants to go to the show. So he comes anyway. And he was doing that shit in front of me. And at one point, I was just getting my right foot ready. And I was just going to kick him. him in the fucking neck. I was just, I go, I'm going to ruin everything.

But this motherfucker is going to go down hard. I'm going to kick him, karate kick him in the jugular. Because I was right there. I could have just field pumped at his fucking head. And again, a little skinny white dude came over. Taped him on the shoulder and said, knock it the fuck off. I'm going to throw you the fuck

out. He just sat for the rest of the night. Wouldn't look at me and shit. Fuck those motherfuckers. I told Chaz last week, I had a kid with a microphone one time. And then I had an open mic. I hit him so hard. It was one of those Puerto Rican mics

that the batteries are in it. And the batteries flow everywhere. I don't have time, man. I don't have time for those hoes. We're up there doing a job. And now, listen, as you mature as a comic, you learn more. Of course.

You know, that's the other thing about comedy. You need to do, I don't know, how many fucking sets to be, you know, like it takes me, like, and then it takes you a couple sets to get warmed up. But once you find your rhythm again and the patois and the old words start coming to you, you're a fucking savage up there.

Yeah, yeah, it comes back like a bike. Do you guys still have, like, fun? Because, like, you guys, we're talking about money a little bit, and that's, like, the ultimate goal. But I always get paid at the end, and I'm never getting paid that much. But, like, the amount of money I got paid never really affected how much fun I had on a show.

Like, do you guys still have fun doing the shows you guys do? For me, money never, money never, I love it so much when you're up there doing it and you do the new bit and the new bit works or a new bit needs tweaking but you know it has a chance. And I'm thinking of that and then all of a sudden you get paid and you're like, oh shit, I'm getting. I mean, listen, I love the money, but I look at it as like just a secondary thing. It's so much fun. And it's like I, like you were talking about doing drives. I drove to like to Soljos. It was like a two and a half hour drive each way.

And I didn't even ask about money, care about money. It was just, and you were talking about it like it's like clocking in. But the whole thing's fun. Like even like the dry, like, I'm sure if you're doing it for like 20 years and nothing's happening. Yeah. It can get old. But like if I'm at the do, like if I come in, I see you at the dojo and I see you there. And me and you and who is there with us, Aaron Berg and some people we know,

when we're there sitting around and he fucking guy brings out pizzas. and we're just shooting the shit talking. That camaraderie, that's like our locker room. There's something that I realized, the older I got, how special that is. That's very special. With the right people. With the right people. You know.

But when you got somebody cool and you're like, hey, man, you see the game and you're eating pizza. Oh, how was I saw you were in Seattle. How was that? And you just do that. That's the fucking best. And nothing's worse than when you get a fucking asshole in there. Nothing's worse when you're a feature act. And you work with a shit headliner out of town.

That also sucks. too. And that happens to a lot of features. Not anymore because headliners bring their own feature now. A lot of them do. But when I was coming up, I worked with headliners that were shit ads. And I understood why they were still doing these. You mean mean to you? Yeah, mean to us, mean to everything. I still remember asking them all. Should anybody ever moved to LA? At that time, I wasn't even thinking of LA. Right. And all of them were like, so I lived there for 82 years and Nothing never happened. I never got a set up for fucking improv on a Sunday night, you know.

And you're like, what the fuck? Yeah. But they were all cut from the same thing. Yeah. All those headliners at that time I was doing one night as with were guys that had done comedy for 20 years living in L.A. And now their motto was, you got to be gay to live in L.A., you know.

You got to suck dick if you want to make it as a comic. Okay. We all suck dick to make it as comics. Yeah, yeah. And you get that negativity. Yeah. Like there were turnoffs to me, but the problem with me was after like 2019, I started to, it was recursitating. It was the same shit.

Yeah, it was a hamster. And at one point, you go to yourself, how many times I'm going to come to Dempty? How many times? Yeah. How many times is this lifetime am I going to come to the Houston Improv? How many times am I going to go to hilarities? I got nothing against those rules. Right.

But there's what you got to ask yourself on Thursday night. when you get back to your hotel room, and your wife's calling you, and the kid wants to say night, night, you know. So that was, it was burning me out, and I was just doing it for the money. I really wasn't having fun before the pandemic. Really?

For how long? It was about a year and a half. It was just business. You were just going for the check. It was work and to pick up a check. Yeah. It was work and to pick up a check. Oh, you sold this year.

You want to add another one? Sure. I'm there already. You know what I'm saying? I'll go up there. Yeah, you go up. do 45 minutes of shit and go up there and do the best I can. And when I took the time off,

I noticed, I said to myself, if I ever go on the road again, it's got to be with a couple guys. I'd rather take less money and laugh my ass. Have your boys. Light a fucking fire in the hotel like a Motley crew movie. If we're not going to do it that way, stay home. Right. You know, I want to stay out till three.

Throw a fucking TV out to win through the swimming pool? How good is that? When they throw the TV out, then the table, You got to look, what's going on? They're through the table. That's great. You know, and that's, it's like everything. The thing that I say to myself now, before I go on stage and it's work, is Joey, you've got to have fun.

Yeah. And you got to tell jokes for you. Yes. Fuck them. Yeah. That's when you really go, I like that joke, bitch. Yeah. Why?

Because it makes me laugh. Yeah. When you do it for yourself, that's, that's, but that's also experience, too, right? And when they see that you're laughing. Yeah. When they see that you're actually not like, when they see that you're fucking bent over. Genuinely having fun.

Going, holy shit. I can't believe that came out of my mouth. Yeah, that's the best. Like, they think that I just wrote this. Like I was at Starbucks all day coming up with this. No, this came out from me just unleashing on them because I don't give a fuck at this point. Right.

That's the best. You read Judy Carter's book? No. Anyway, Judy Carter has a workbook. You know, I read the book 82 times. She's supposed to be this big comic I never bumped into her in LA Not even at the coffee shops

What's Judy Carter? That book is sold 10 million copies Really? And they keep revising it every couple years I just bought it I haven't started reading it yet No I know you wouldn't

You fuck It's better than the other one Then there's the Bob Hope writer He's good but he's kind of nerdy His work shit is But Judy Card always said To start with shit that you hate

Start with shit I'm tricked up on stage I just start hating. You know what fucking bothers me? A dude in the right-hand lane. You know what bothers me? A motherfucker who wears cologne. Anything, just to get that hatred up.

Okay. You know, so for me, it was a catch-22. I want to be funny and I want to have fun, but I got to be angry. Right. I got to unleash out of them. I got to have to be... I like something to always happen before I go on stage.

Somebody to say something stupid. So you have the edge? Yeah, like two gay guys with the same cell phone. I just got to see it. I just got to see something. I hate me. That's going to go,

what the fuck is that? Yeah, so what happens? Yeah, so that's actually an interesting question. So when you're on stage happy and in a good mood, it affects you? No, but your goal is to go out there and be happy. No. Fuck being happy.

Your goal is to go out there and have a good time for you. For yourself. And that good time will roll into the energies of the audience. Yeah. They have to, unless they just came from awake. You know, even if it takes you 20 minutes.

Yeah. Sometimes you're up there talking about shit. They don't know what you're talking about. And then you start leveling them. And they start getting up, and now, whose fucking phone is that? It's a car. I think that's one of ours. It wouldn't be mine.

Mine's a down the street a little bit. Yeah, it's down the street. Yeah, please. I don't know. Thank you. Ooh, it almost hit the fucking light. Nice guy. Yeah, sorry about that fucking alarm outside, guys.

That can only happen to us on a Monday night. They probably be able to hear it. They might not be able to hear it. Listen to it. It's been going for 15 fucking minutes. Do you know what's fun? Do you know what we would do too is like going on the road but going and doing something you wanted to do

like planning the show to go to a game or something like that? See like, hey, we're going to go see this football game. That's the best. But then you get sick of hanging out on Sunday. I used to go see everybody on the road. Dallas. Oh, yeah?

Yeah, I would go to Dallas Improv. And on Saturday, go to... Well, the chuck and jive. And sit in there. Somebody will give you tickets. Oh, shit. Somebody's always in there. I went to see the Giants against Dallas opening.

It was 115 on the field. Even fucking that deodorant wouldn't help. You know what I've never been? Where I've never been to a boxing match in my life. Ever. I haven't been to a boxing match since I was a kid. But you're in luck. Are you working this weekend?

Why? What's going on? Saturday I got tickets. for an amateur fight in Holmdell, New Jersey. Some of my friends are fighting on the car. Some of the guy on there.

I got all excited. I was like, wait, is there a paper of you with the garden? No. It was my man, John. Is that my man? I train that. My man John and Holmdell is going to fuck it. Nah, man. When I was breathing, but I was boxing. Now I go there and I got to do like 10-minute

workouts. But it's a juice box and freehold, tremendous. They train it and then they sell Mexican food. and they sell organic juices like fucking pineapple juice and cantaloupe juice and fucking

they have all these healthy mixes recovery juice it's fucking great the kid that trains me is I fucking forget now that I'm not in front of Jose or something you do everything you have to

you do karate you do boxing I haven't jihitsu since October 8th because I had the pus coming out of my ear I don't want to get it on somebody's hand but you're like people like you're an active dude man Well, what else are you going to do? Right.

If you don't use it, you'll lose it. That's true. Okay, I was in the hospital for eight days, five and then three. I could be honest with you guys, because you're all family. That's not me. When I got out of the hospital, those first three days, I felt it. My muscles, just five days in a hospital room. And I took a shower, I washed my pussy.

By the time they come to get blood at 7.15, I'm already shy. I would grease in the hair. I'm smoking. I get my little breakfast. The breakfast one come until nine. I would go to the cabinets and steal like four things of rice crispses with orange juice and go back to my room and then I'd walk around a little bit. But when I came out, I'd tell you guys, I wasn't strong at all.

I had a couple fucking days that were, I'm like, Joey, it's tough to build up. But it's so easy to lose. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. Like it takes us a long time to lose weight or to, Get stronger. But in those 20 days, I lost everything. Right.

So, yeah, a short amount of time you lose it. You lose it. You lose it. I start from scratch. Yeah. And all I could do is lift weights. So every day I had to lift five minutes, eight minutes. Now, today I did 25 minutes.

I did overhead presses. I did some bench presses. I got to breathe through my nose and go slowly, which is even better for your muscles. Do you have the stay-at-home sauna? No, I go to red light sauna. Oh, okay. I went this morning.

Because I bought one for the house. You just go in at one person. You sit down, then cranks up to like one 50. You're just pouring sweat 20 minutes, and it's good for your heart, everything. I went in there today, and my body needed it because after the first minute, I started smelling that titty juice.

That titty sweat started coming out of me. It starts dripping from the back, and then your hair opens up. I know. You're getting sleepy. Remember the movies in the 70s? You'll get the, sleepy. If I did what you did, I would

be, you guys would just be able to put a camera on me and that would have been old show. Your feet would have been up. Oh, dude, I'd be foaming at the mouth crying. I'd be all fucked up, dude. I start seeing shit. I start thinking of my wife. Dude, I get all fucked up, dude. Oh, dude, I start reminiscing about sad shit

when I get really fucked up like that. Yeah, not with a cocktail, but you know, it's funny, you have me thinking about the hospital. My grandfather told my grandfather, he went to the hospital. And he never wanted to leave. He never wanted to leave the hospital. So my father went there and goes, you know, I got to take him out.

And he goes, Tommy, he got my grandfather calling. He goes, Tommy, leave me the fuck alone in here. I'm staying because he didn't want to go back to my grandmother because she broke his balls. You know, he would sneak ice cream. He had emphysema. I didn't realize, we have emphysema. You can't ice cream and shit like that. It's no good for you.

But he would sneak in one and she would always break his balls. So he said, keep me in the fucking hospital. So he just stayed in the fucking hospital. He wouldn't do that now. He sees the bill I got from my hospital. It's 100,000 for five days. What? It was 100,000.

What? 21,000 a day. They're not fucking around. I mean, I have insurance. I ended up paying like five grand. Right. A hundred thousand. A hundred thousand.

She told me what they were charging. Like, they won't let you bring your prescriptions at. Fuck no. Yeah, yeah. Because they'll charge your extra $18 for that pill. Well, he was up to me. I was taking 30 pills a day at $20, and fucking three,

Tetnish shots, fucking the shit that you don't clot up with. They would shoot me with everything at $20 a fucking shot, no wonder. Yeah. Well, my grandfather rested. He was at that VA hospital in the Bronx. Oh, that's true. The VA hospital. They killed him.

You know, they don't. The VA hospital fucking killed them. They don't get a fuck around. You know, we didn't know if he was getting delusional or if it was true, but he said they were tying him down. Oh, yeah, they don't fuck around. Like he said, he said, he said, he was, he were like, Like they were tying them down.

He said these old women were all pissed off, yelling out, telling him to shut the fuck up. Because he was trying again. They tied him down so we didn't know. They don't get paid enough at the video. Especially now. With Elon Musk, they ain't getting nothing. Pretty soon they won't even be minimum wage, dog.

Elon Musk is cutting everything. I mean, Elon Musk. Do you see how much money he cut down? Please. I mean, he cut, but I didn't realize what some of the shit we were spending. He's going to start cutting the staff down in New York Comedy Club. He's going to walk in there. You only did two weeks.

That motherfucker. He's gonna go to Gotham. We don't need four X cops. Get fucking two of them out of here. We have one. That's it. One could fight them all. But I didn't realize though some of the things that I heard I didn't realize we were spending like 300 million dollars on shit that was like you're like we're never even gonna need some. You remember years ago they were building something not to insult you Paul where you've been? What do you mean? Where the fuck you've been? 20 years ago they had a thing

60 minutes. They were building a fucking something to training. They had to go over and get the sand. Like 80,000 a fucking pound. They bought like 20,000 cocaine's cheaper.

They could have made the fucking thing out of Coke. And it would have been cheaper and they could have sold it after they stepped on it and shit. They fucking, you know. No, but they were spending money on like trans-transitioning animals.

Oh, yeah. No, no, no. They wanted to see if a cat could be a fucking dude. They were doing some, no, they were doing some, like they wanted to test out transgender things on animals. I'm not even joking, like another country. And Elon Musk was like, what the fuck? I'm not even Google it.

I'm not even fucking, unless somebody lied to me. But I should have been more, no, but that's. Why do you think everybody goes for government contracts? Right. Because they pay a ton of money. Yeah. And they don't know what the fuck you're doing. When you send them a book report every three days?

Yeah. Yeah, we're doing this. Yeah. Check with us again. The monkey. The monkey and the. The monkey and the fucking, the skunk died. You know what I'm saying?

We got them to fuck, but it was, you know, the only transgender animal we have is a pigeon. You know, and that's because his name is married. He's Jewish. Whatever the fuck. And they'll buy that. You know, dog psychiatry. Yeah, yeah.

That's white people shit. We chop the cat's dick off. Now it's walking different. I mean, you know, I don't want to get political up in this bitch, but I knew we were spending, today I saw something. somebody going Kamala should have won.

And I'm like, who would have said something like this? Because all these people claim to love America. If you love America so much, why would you let 2 billion, 20 million fucking people from other countries come in here and we don't have nothing on them? We don't know about anything. You know what they're planning against us already.

You know who they let in? The people who burnt down in L.A. I guarantee they came into that. Those are professionals. Those are professional lighters. They came with a bunch of big... They actually... No, they actually caught people.

They said... They came with a bunch of bigs. In other news, gas station and losing big lighters everywhere. No, but they caught arsonists. They caught someone... Yeah, they caught them afterward. Yeah.

The ones that want to be copycats, the sick ones. Whoever did that Gaza hold. Oh, okay. That was a professional fucking hit. That's a professional hit. Yeah. With fire.

Even Jews can't do that. Like, Jews. are professional in like burning businesses. Yeah. Like, you see a business on fire in Queens. There's always a Jew outside. What are we going to do? What are we going to do?

We lost everything. They doubled and short it last year. They got Israeli. Yeah, they got Israeli money in and that shit. You know, the kings are burning. That's what you call it Jewish lightning. Yeah. A Jew couldn't even burn that fucking thing.

That thing looks like Gaza, man. Yeah, yeah. That was hit with something. That was hit with something. Yeah. A new laser. That was hit with something. man. Then there was no water, no fire, hydrants. Listen, once I, I don't even know what really

happened because after I heard like three or four things, I know that lying. Right. I'm like, I'm like Henry Hill's wife. When I look at your eyes, I know that you're lying. And she throws the vice out of it. With your ready made whore. With your ready made hoars. Listen, after, like, you get so old and you've been involved with so many things. Yeah. That you hear that she, after like the second line, you go turn it off. This guy's bullshit me. They're bullshit now. It's true. And you know, you said something before where you were like,

oh, you know, these people don't love America. I was in Florida and I got in an Uber and the driver was from Syria. And he's sitting there and a big dude. And the only reason why he was allowed to be here is because he had a wife from here and he had two children. And he's driving me from Orlando to the train station and he goes, he was, you people here. So he said to me, I never forget this.

One of the only rides where I really fucking took where the driver said, he goes, you people in this country. He goes, you don't know. And he was like, I'm lucky to be here. He goes, in Syria, you're walking through the streets. Bombs going off. If you speak one thing against the government, it's even now, right now, if you speak against the government or you say one bad thing,

we could go on podcasts and say all this shit. CNN can say CNN. If you even word of mouth gets out that you're talking against them, you could be killed or tortured and your family. And there's rockets. People are just getting killed in the streets, getting blown up. He goes, and I never forget the way he says, He goes, you people here?

He goes, your media? He goes, very bad. He goes, you listen to things. He goes, you have no idea what you have here in the United States. And I really kind of took it because he was like, I'm lucky to be here because my wife is from here. But he's like, this is the, he goes, I've been all over the world. He goes, this is the safe haven.

This is the best fucking, and you take it for granted, man. You do. I'm a spick. And I came here and I couldn't speak English. And I remember those years. I really remember that. Yeah. I remember learning English.

learning English and how excited I was about learning English. I wanted to be like Dick Van Dyke. You know, all that shit is, and it builds something. And my mother, my mother wouldn't go to a MEC game unless you could see the National Anthem. My uncle's 85. He still goes to Dodger games, and he goes for hitting the National Anthem. He gets up on the seventh inning National Anthem.

Those revolutionary Cubans, Fidel took everything from them. Yeah. So they came here, and they probably, a little handout there was no fucking immigration loans in those days for three points and you know today when you're parked up the corner here when you make the right onto Kennedy Boulevard before the left from Route 3 as you're making the left you sit there at that light and look at the what's going into the city so you're pulling up off the three you just went by the fucking dirty hotel and you're about to make a left on Kennedy Boulevard and underneath you have like

that where it spins and you can either go to shop right or whatever right there it says welcome to union city the world's largest embroidery capital of the world and that's why all the spanish people came here because when they got to miami there were billboards that said come to union city a land opportunity come fucking make sweaters whatever you fucking yeah gusanos do yeah and that's why you know i mean being a kid and that was the hottest thing to steal hudson county was those big boxes of thread, oh, I would steal like three of those a week. They were like $75 bucks.

You're saying? That's an eight ball where I come from. And Army patches, you know, that's all done here. But there's something about even this, you know, everybody was waiting for Trump to become president, and I see that. And the big slogan was to make America great again. Two people can't do that.

That starts with us. Right. It starts with us. It doesn't start with, you know, fucking some president, and putting whatever the fuck he's doing, cutting everybody off. There's not even going to be a lunch lady no more. He's getting rid of the lunch lady.

He's fucking. You know, I mean, and he's a good president. I'm not saying nothing bad about it. I don't want to turn this into a little conversation, but to make America great again, we all have to be involved. Everybody's got a chip. Little by little.

You're asking me what I'm doing? At least I'm not lying. I'm over here talking shit, letting these motherfuckers know how I feel. That makes America better, too. instead of being those people, oh my God, everything's... I'm afraid to say how you feel. Yeah.

Yeah. You know, I saw a post from a 60, I'm 62. This guy's 65. He came from a very wealthy family, even though he always hides it, and he tells people he's a writer in Hollywood. This guy hasn't even written a funny paragraph. He's one of those guys.

They gave a job in the height of MTV, and he's been living off that credit. And he wrote something. You know how many writers in L.L. I sell real estate. Yeah. They're all fucking. It's all bullshit.

Yeah. This guy is filthy, rich. They all walk around like they got no money. Yeah, I'm going to get a job. Why? He's got 30 Gs a month. Why are you lying to me? You got a Volvo?

Your kid's got a Volvo. The wife's got a Mercedes, but you need money. You know what I'm so stressed out. I got a deadline for what? Tony the Tiger. You ain't right. Yeah, you ain't right. You haven't written in years.

Knock it off. And he's one of these guys that's always at the sag The SAG protest. He's at every political thing. Now you're not supposed to buy anything on Friday. Did you hear about that? No. Friday is no consumer day.

You can't go online. Yeah, that's, if you're a Kamala Harris fan, you can't buy anything. You're blacking out everybody. What? Don't drive. Don't, yeah. Are you fucking kidding me?

You know, but he has the thing up. But the best, he's 65. Yeah. And after Selena went on to cry, he put, I side with Selena Gomez. And I felt bad because I like for somebody to grab and go, you're a 65 old man and you're siding with a little young, confused, rich girl

that is completely oblivious to reality. Yeah. Let me go smack you in the mouth. Selena Gomez says $500 million. She could cry about anything. And who the fuck's got time to make a sign and go protesting? Could you imagine?

Could you imagine sent your after-do? That means you got a trust fund. What? Protesters all walk there looking dirty, but they hide the Mercedes a mile away. Yeah. And they walk. I stopped. I lived in Boulder.

You lived in Boulder with me. A bunch of dirty white kids. They pull up in your house with a rocket ship. A $200,000 car. But meanwhile, you know, I need money. No, you don't. Yeah. Your dad just bought you a $20,000 fucking missile.

Yeah. I'm broke, man. I need a job. And they got the dirty fee. and the long hair. And, you know, why? You know what I heard? What's nice?

I heard in Florida, the car could hit. The car could hit the protester in Florida. Oh, that's not good for me. The Sanchez was like, look, dude, if you block the fucking road and somebody's got to get, boof, boof.

I tell you, when you said you were young and stupid before, I wouldn't have picked up the hitchhike on the RFK, whatever, the FDR? I just rode ahead of him. Who's going to say? That's target practice right there. Just give him a little.

him there, bha-a-ha-ha-ha. He just hit his leg up. Just keep walking. Did you see what that black guy had his daughter in the car? He said he had to go to hospital. There were all these, you know, protesters, these white people making a chain across the thing. This guy gets out of the car.

He goes, get the fuck out of the way. My daughter needs to go to the hospital. And they be pushing away. But in some states, you're in trouble if you move them. It's assault if you move them. It's a salt if you push them away. I'm going to tell you right now, my daughter or son need something. I'm showing up with dead protesters.

I know what to my fucking car. I get the, I go under my seat, I get the gun. I give it to you, and I go out like a gentleman and go, I got to go to the bathroom. You understand me? I'm 62. I got to take a piss. Yeah, dude.

That's going to go all over me. So please open up. But we're not, okay. Bah, broom, broom, put it right and fucking extra key. I got the, you take the gun out. Just shoot the windshield. Just shoot the fucking windshield. And you'll never see all those white pussies jumping over that bridge.

Amiga. They don't think it's fucking ice. Amigal, they think it's ice and they're white and they're running. They're jumping off that bridge over the fucking Brooklyn. What the fuck out of here with their fucking Birken socks on and go fuck yourself. And the biggest problem, the biggest problem. Isn't it Burkestock? Yeah, those fucking sandals.

These white women wear those things. They're so comfortable. I was like they make socks too. Those women wear that shit And they got the ugliest feet It's always a woman With a size 10 and a half You look at their foot

Do you really want to expose That fucking piece of chop meat? Put that in a fucking boot You don't wear burking stocks I see a woman with burking stocks All I can smell is a filthy ass And a filthier fucking pussy And we'll end the show with that

When I see a woman with burke and socks I can tell your ass smells to death. And forget about your little yeast infected period dried pussy. It's got to smell like... I don't think I'm ever going to call it Birkenstock again. I'm never going to call it Birkenstock. I'm sorry

I get all emotion about Birken socks. Oh shit. That's why I got... That's question number one of Judy Brown. You got to write about what you hate. Fucking Birken socks. And women who wear them and the women who don't put, they don't color their toenails, them I'll hit with a car.

If you're going to wear those Birkenstocks, you're going to go come out with a size 12 foot, you better put some tint on that fucking. Yeah, yeah. You better put some tint on that. What color do you like? Does it matter what color? No, white, red, you got to put something. The foot is always white than that.

Because black people don't wear Birkinson. You don't see Mexicans or Spicks with Birkinsonstock. Even these little jungle spicks. You don't see them with Birkinson. You don't see Italians. No. Italians don't wear them either. That's a white lady that drinks ginger and don't eat meat.

You ever smell women's pussy When they don't eat meat? No When a woman tells you she's a vegan Run Run Because the outside smells good Because they wash it

It's once you put those two fingers in It's just going Whikwikwikwik Smell that room after that Your fingers will stick together You got to eat meat. You said veg Vegan women

They're pussy's fucking ranch I live them bolder You can smell it through the pants When you're walking Really? Like something don't smell right Really? Yeah, women who are vegans

That snatches are fucking dirty Because the pussy's clean, the soap It's inside, they need that meat, they need that protein So you dip your finger in there You know when you go Everybody gets hot You're moving your little hips and shit

What do you think Vegan balls smell like? I don't know But you know, that's a good question And only you would think about that Oh my God, dude Give us some dates, brother Yeah, yeah

I'm going to be, guys, check me out. Check out my new special to, A Reasonable Man. It's on my YouTube. March 13th, I am going to be at the Den Theater in Chicago, 27th, Tempe, Arizona Improv, 2829, Mike Drop in San Diego, California. And I'm going to be at the Denver Comedy Works on March 30th. Oh, and we just added Pittsburgh and Cleveland, March 21 and 22. Go to Paul Verzi.com for all the dates.

I really appreciate you guys having me on. Anytime. Your family, talk, suck. This is so fucking fun. April 17th and 8. Moon Tower, 17th is sold out, 18th is still available. NJ. Pact, the 27th of June for the North to South Festival. And tickets just went on sale for May in the city of Brotherly Love, Parks Casino.

So jump on that. What do you got, Lee? I'm in New York through the week, so check my Instagram, and then March 1st. I'm opening up for Steve Simone and Soljos, and then March 7th, I'm at Laugh-Up and Pekipsey. You're fucking beautiful. Nice. I love you, Paul. How great of a guy is Steve?

Simone tremendous he's a Catholic's Catholic yeah I every time I go to Tampa he's better than church he's a better than the priest like they should like the Pope he's gonna die fuck him that dude looks like a fucking pedophile and I'm a Catholic oh yeah he looks like an old pedophile you I could see him in a disco in New York in the 70s jumping up and down with a bishop shoot on you know I'm saying I could see especially with that big head now that's a he's a cum swallows Steve Simone is the close Steve Simone is the closest thing to his saint he is yeah great I'll tell you, show him a nice pussy.

I guarantee he loses his mind. I love you guys. Have a great week. We'll be back next week. Tip Top Magoo. Love you. What's happened, you bad, savages you. I'm going to talk to you guys about Onit.

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