The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - Beautiful Savages

Episode Date: May 6, 2025

Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt talk the Grand Re-Opening of Alcatraz, Lee hits Joey with Claw Hands, why Father's Day is the worst holiday and much more! Get your first month of BlueChew for free, just pay $5 shipping. Get ready to have better sex & use promo code JOEY at ⁠https://www.bluechew.com⁠ Support the show and get 35% off your NYKD order at ⁠https://www.NYKDPouches.com/CHURCH⁠ New DraftKings customers can bet $5 & get $200 in bonus bets instantly. Download the DraftKings Sportsbook app & press in code JOEY.   Produced by: Andrew Houston & Joe Russo @andyfromontario @joerussomarketing on Instagram

What's happened, you beautiful savages? The church is in session. Tuesday, the 6th of May, looking good, feeling good. Everybody's ready to rock. Lee Syatt's here looking handsome. As a devil. We'll be back, Jack.

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Welcome back to show! What's happening, beautiful people? We haven't seen you in a while. Where you been, Lee? I know. I've been in fucking Maine. 14 days I haven't seen Lee. Something like that.

It hasn't been 14 days. Close to it, yeah. Like 10 days, yeah. My heart was, you know, I miss my little Jewie. You miss torturing somebody. Nah, you know, I. always miss you. I worry about you. Things can happen. I don't know if you got mugged yet.

Trust me. That's like the biggest question on the internet right now. Would you stop? I know it's the biggest question. But we want to mug you somewhere. Like people are like, you know what, we're just going to mug them on an off state. Like next time you go away with Josh Wolf don't mug you in Virginia. That's exactly what we'll be May 30th. There you go. See, I can feel it. I can fucking feel it. Yeah, it's been a great

couple weeks. Last week, I had didn't do shit, guys. I was not feeling it at all. Yeah, I wasn't feeling it last week. I didn't do comedy. I wrote a little bit, but basically just worked out, stayed at home with the girls. I was pretty quiet all weekend, too. I didn't do anything until last night. Last night was the first night. I said, you know what? Let me wash my muffler and get out of the house. No, when you say you didn't do anything, how many milligrams were you picking it? Oh, yeah. I didn't do shit. I didn't do shit. I did. I did do a thousand milligrams a night. Friday night, I think I just ate like a half a mushroom chocolate ball.

I thought it was it. And I got a little giggly, whatever, but it was just like in passing. You know what I'm saying? Nothing really stuck me. There was no anchors to the ground. But Saturday, I went to a community party and started at one. And I knew there was going to be good food. Oh, yeah.

So I took 600 milligrams at about 11 o'clock in the morning. Just to be ready, tip-top, McGoo, as soon as I walk. I walked in there one, no stories. And sure enough, I sat down, I did a couple sangrias just to loosen up the fucking, whatever. But then like, none of, like, whenever, if I ever am that high and there's food, they're like, I'm gonna be, like,

I'm not gonna say hi to people when I walk in. No, I didn't say how to the food. No, no, no, I walked in, sat down, said hello, gave the kid his fucking envelope, and then I attacked. You know, me, why fuck around? Dude, you saw me at their house a couple years ago. You, I walked in, didn't say a word,

and then bagels appeared, and it like saved my life. Those are good fucking bagels. Yeah. If they come in a brown paper bag. I've never seen bagels coming in a brown paper bag. That's the old school way. That's when you know they're real. A Jew never delivers in a fucking silver container.

A Jew shows up with a brown paper bag. He's been carrying for years in that desert. There's everything in there. Mifungo powder, everything, just to keep everything alive. You know what? Well, that's, I... I...

What? I want, what, what, what? What? God damn it. What's up, though? I did. I had some bagels like in Maine. And I,

because before people would be like, oh, I had, like, it's not, and I didn't know what they meant. It was my first, like, not New York bagel since I,

and I was like, oh, yeah, this is what they're talking about. You've been eating non-New York bagels since I fucking knew you. Yeah, but then I didn't live here. The guy used to buy the Sarah Lee

bagels, the ones you bring home and put in the toaster. I'm like, Glee, you can't do that shit. Again, you live in the great, this is what I'm talking about.

Even when you're in the greatest city, You still take the dumbest chance. You should start hanging out with my brother George more often. Both of you. I don't know what's going on, the circuitry. You don't eat a bagel. You live on fucking, what do you live? Time Square.

Right? A couple blocks from Times Square you said? Okay. You don't eat it. And all of a sudden you go to Maine and now you decide you want a fucking bagel up in bagel. I eat bagels here. I'm just saying. What is Maine known for?

Grapes or something like that. They actually, I don't know for blueberries. I didn't know that. Blueberries. Yeah, I knew it was grapes or something like that. You know, so. What makes you want to eat those things? They brought it to the office.

Well, then just because they brought, if I brought a piece of shit in the fucking hot dog, then when you eat it, no, you're Jewish and you wanted to save the $10. So you're operating on the food they brought in. I got to be honest, it's not even the money they used. You don't even, you don't even eat breakfast, you fuck. Unless it's free in there.

Oh, okay, unless it's free in there. Dude, I want to eat outside bagels no more. You're in New Yorker now. Maintain it. You're a fucking Marine now. Maintain it. No more. puffy bagels, no more Sarah Lee bagels. None of that shit. You're in New York, you're a Jew.

Act like it. So what should I, like, pick it up and throw it away? When you see, don't even pick it up. Just go, I got to go get a bagel. And they'll go, why? There's bagels here. No, no, no, no, no. This is mooshad. This is dog shit. This is dog shit. I'm on the East Coast. I don't deserve to do this to myself anymore. I did it for fucking 23 years in California. I'm not doing this. Right. I'm not doing this. And you walk out and slam the door like, a fucking like, let me just want these, blah, and make sure you put your scarf behind you. That's when they know you fucking mean business.

I should start wearing a scarf. Why don't I wear a scarf? Listen, I don't know. If you wear a scarf, I'll stab you. Yeah, I went to this fucking thing. I was stoned when I walked in there. I had hit the pipe. And I got some good weed this weekend.

It was 39, 30s, 8, and 36%. I don't know. What the fuck is going on in this shit? And it's good? Oh, my God. They fucked me up, and I went in there with the edibles. And at first, I started off slow. I took the tomatoes off the mucerou,

because I loved the tomatoes, so I just ate the tomatoes with pepper. I wanted to start off slow. And the baked clams came. There were too much fucking, too many breadcrumbs in there. I don't know what's going on with people. How many breadcrumbs? There's a clam this big, and you put two teaspoons of breadcrumbs. Yeah, because you want to hide the clam?

Yeah, no. Hide the clam and what? And breadcrumbs? That's like eating a 400-pound chick. You got to find the clit. You got to fucking. You know, nobody wants to do that. Nobody wants to play Find the Clit.

So it's the same fucking thing, right? Nobody wants to play that game. Okay. It's tough enough to find the G string when it's in there. It gets cupped in between a little fat leg over here, and you got to pull it out with a fucking scissor and cut it like an ambiblical cord. You know what I'm saying? None of the chubby girls I had ever wore thongs.

It was very sad. You got to wear a trot. Listen, the thong is like a, it's a size smaller. Yeah. So if they eat a lot of donuts or they get fucked in the ass, it just pops. It's like, look at Lee. It's like a little retard. You buy a chair that I have to fucking dangle my feet with.

It's going to happen. So, yeah, I had some bake clams. Then the chicken came with the fucking potatoes and scarpe yellow. Not too good, but I ate the chicken to get protein. Okay. Chicken off the bone. Zero points. protein. Then they were going to make steak beef at all, but he didn't want a red sauce on it.

Let me tell you something. It was one of the best cuts of meat I've had a long time. I must eat 50 pieces of those little meats. Did you leave the kitchen? I wasn't in the kitchen. I was in the fucking banquet hall. Oh, it was a banquet hall. I thought it was at the house. I don't know. And then they brought, they brought, listen to this. They brought baked Zeppelis. Baked. The first bite, you're like, this is different. But then you're like, Holy shit.

There's no grease. I must have ate a whole fucking bag. Every table had a bag of them. I kept going over to every table just stealing one big one like a fucking... They were like white horns. By my area, there was a circle of white powder. It was like 1987 in my fucking area.

There was white powder everywhere. My sweats, my fucking shirt, my jeans. I ate a whole bag of those fucking things. Delicious. I'm going to tell you what else I ate the other night. I told you, I got sued. Super Heidi on that? Yeah.

I'm like, I'm going to see what these crispy creams all about. I'm going to stop at McDonald's and get a glaze crispy cream. Dog, I tell you what, not bad. I only ate one of them. I gave the rest of the girls. Then we threw them out the next day, three of them. Were they hot?

Like, did they warm them up? Yeah, they weren't doing a little thing. I mean, listen. Not bad. Well, of course, it's a crispy cream. It's always going to be good. But they only got three brands. They got the white one to clear,

the chocolate with the sprinkles, Maybe something else. Yeah, but it's McDonald's. Like, that's how you know they want us dead. If they had had crispy cream at McDonald's when I was going to McDonald's four or five times a week, I would be dead right now. Listen, they should just put a casket outside of McDonald's. Like, the first guy to get like a business called McDorkins

and put it next to McDonald's, if you know, Paul, and then, like, bury people in their favorite, like, quarter pound of casket, fucking, you know. McNuggets. McNugget casket, the whole fucking thing. It wouldn't be, like right now, you fucking opened up a funeral parlor and just put like caskets made out of, you know.

The French fries, yeah, you can put a whole family together. You put a whole family together. You can put them in the car eating the French fries. Burry them. Burry them. And 200 years from now exhum them, the skeletons will be dust, but the French fries will still be there in the package

and one finger will be stuck on the bone. By the time you go get it, it just dissolves. Dude, that's a crazy. Have you seen that where, like, scientists will have like a McDonald's meal under a glass for like 30 years and there's not even mold on it. Like, that's how, like, there's like, there's like, there's like, there's like, there's like, I don't, I think I ate more fast food than, like, like, you know how they have like that Spotify wrapped? Like you're on the top 1% of you two listeners. I think I was probably for a while in the top 1% of, I would eat fast food every day when I was three. hundred plus pounds. I love fast food and it's disgusting and I still like it. I heard somebody they told him saying that Wendy's is just oh they ruined it was the best it was Wendy's was number one when I was growing up when the cups were yellow and they had they had a someone

it was just they were just talking about this in RU garbage they had a salad bar that had pudding and Jello on it for free. And then you could, oh, and then the spicy chicken sandwich, this sandwich used to be big and, and now it looks like they microwave. I hate Wendy's. Now Wendy's was number one. And now it's

just... Well, it's just... I never had the chili. Wendy's had chili. Let me tell you something. The chili kept me together from 1997 to 2000, maybe 2001 because the chili and something else was on the dollar menu.

Probably a burger. There was a burger. A cheese, the little, and the baked potato. So fuck for six bucks, man. That was lunch for me. I get the chili,

the baked potato, which you didn't eat the skin, even back then. Like, I like the skin. Right. I always eat the skin first, but not there. The skin looked a little fucked up.

But the potato is okay, and then I eat the cheeseburger with it. I'm surprised you ate the chili. Isn't that just like the day-old cheeseburgers that they just put in there? You know, I didn't know. I don't know. I don't know.

At that time, listen, I was so fucking, I went day to day. So it was whatever I got. You know, I was on that Josh Wolf by Vista. I either got a turkey burger from Josh Wolf or fucking, you know. So I went, one of the places I went to was Wendy's, and the other place was, what's the Chinese place down the corner from that? It's well known, like it's been there for fucking. Oh, like an L.A. place.

Yeah, right there on the corner of LaBraya and Sunset. There's a Chinese. Oh, is it the, it's, it's. It's not the Chinese theater, is it? No, is that the little fucking LeBrella and sunset? I don't know where anything is. Sunset of LaBreya has a Chinese place on the corner that I went to for years. I forget what the fuck the man.

I would go there, get lunch, and at the same time get my head shots done. There was like 20 things in that area to do. There was a thousand things in that mall. They taught karate upstairs. They fucking... Then across the street was the other headshot. shop lady. And she was really hot, really hot, Asian. And her husband looked like Santa Claus. And we were going there every day to make copies. And one day the husband died. And somebody

told me like, the husband died. I'm going to go when they get dibs on that woman. It must have been like 98, 99. And I remember me and my friend Ricky Cruz had the biggest crush on that Asian woman. And we would go over there every day and try to hit on her. And she wasn't budging. You I'm saying? Like, she was like, nah, I'm no mood, but she was hot. So we would go over there and make those printing copies. That whole neighborhood was like an actor of neighborhood.

So everything you needed was in those couple streets. Fuck, it's going to kill me. Not to know the name of that Chinese joint. Well, we'll look it up during the break. Okay. But it's, so you'd go there and eat and get like the lunch special? Lunch special was huge there.

How, is it, did you get anxiety about that? Because I know you didn't, it didn't seem like you minded being broke when you were back then. I was used to it. It was just, listen, after a while, you get used to it

and you think you're going to be there for the rest of your life, so nothing really matters. You look at your credit card bills and you go, Pse, minimum payment, 300, good luck. You know, you used to look at your credit cards

and go, I owe $60,000. And you look at the bill and go, I'm never going to get out of that. Like that number could be $6 million. At 60 grand. You're never going to get out of that. Like at that, there's a number that you could always get yourself out of with an extra job. Pray that your tire doesn't blow up or your engine doesn't blow up or your cat doesn't swallow a needle.

You know, I remember being broke, dog, and my cat swallowed a fucking needle. And we had to scrape up $600 in like 10 credit cards, like 32 off 1, 80. 18 off the other, you know, but that's the things that set you back. When you're trying to get dead off your fucking mind, it's that fucking flat tire. And they can't get it. Now it's a $250 tire. That destroys you. And it always happened, at least to me, it would always happen, like, right when I thought I was doing well.

Like, it would be like a couple weeks or a month of like, okay, I'm ahead now, it's okay. Money away. Everything's good. I filled up my tank. I got groceries. And then you have a fucking, you hit a pole. I remember one day I hit I hit something and I called Ralphie to bail me out I mean there was no way I just called them told him the truth rough I don't have a dime

I got no tires and they ain't no way I can make a living or get anything to eat he's like go over to a good year the good year on whatever tell him I sent you tell him to call me up I'll give my credit card number I talked I had to do that once with him it was just there was no hope there was no way I was only get four tires even though if I went to Las Fillas and went to those little Mexican shops with ties of 20 bucks. Even at that, I couldn't afford 80 bucks. Right. Because I've thought about that a lot because I've been very blessed that, like, you know,

things get expensive and, you know, money gets tight. But you think about that, like a single mom or anybody who they're like, hey, you got towed, it's $200 and like, I don't. Yeah, the car's done. There's no way I'm going to get it. $200, the car's done. I'll never see that thing again. Because if I do get $100, and then I'm looking for,

for another 100, I'll buy a gram of Coke because I'm depressed because I didn't get the other $100. There's always, guys, there's always something. You know, and there comes a time in your life and you go, okay, I'm in this debt, you know, college. Like, I have a little friend of mine a couple weeks ago. And she has been out of college for 10 years maybe, even longer. And she was saying she still lost 50 large. Oh, yeah.

And I'm like, you walk around every day. with a student loaned up of 50 law. I'm not judging. I used to walk around with a debt of 400,000 and not answer my phones. I couldn't even get a phone. It took me 12 years to get credit. And it started with Sprint.

That's why I'm very loyal to Sprint. Because Sprint side me for $200 bucks a month. My package was $1.89. So every time I went over, they shut my fucking phone off, and I had to run down and pay $2.25. You know, but Sprint billed me back up. Right. Terry put me out a loan.

I paid it back and fucking, there was just so many things. I was just, but I disappeared for so long. Those cards started collapsing in 92. I disappeared. I was like, I'm getting a pager. If these credit card people get a number of a pager, I'm hiring them.

They're fucking the best. Because they would call me anywhere. I'd go to the bathroom here, and the phone would ring. You, Joey? Yeah. Somebody wants to talk to you. Hey, it's Visa.

It's Tom from Visa. Where you've been? You were supposed to send that check last week. We never got it. Listen, your card's going to get cut down this Friday. You got to get a minimum payment in real quick to keep a, you know, and you're like, minimum payment, it's Friday. I got to make rent.

Yep. Your minimum payment is going to the fucking landlord. And they don't work with you at all, really. I've noticed. No, who's going to work with you? You're a bum. You didn't pay the light bill. No, but even if you do pay, like...

You didn't pay the water bill. You're a bum. You didn't pay it for six months, and then you did this. You're a bum in their eyes. Right. I sold cars, so I remember the credit reports and how the banks will look at credit reports

and how every time, you know, there's so many things to affect your credit rating to make it stronger, and there's a lot of things you could do that. It works against it. You don't even know. Well, that's what I'm talking about. Like, let's say on the other side,

let's say you start doing one. You can start making payments. and you get busy, you're working, and you're late by two days, and like, sorry, we're going to ding your credit report. Sorry, a late charge. Listen, if you've been working, you can call them some times. Every once in a while, but some of them are assholes.

Talk, I know. It's like, all right, people tell you not to file for bankruptcy. But if you call those debt consolidation places, they're fucking worse. Oh, really? Yeah, because they cut a deal, they get it wiped off. Listen, in my situation, when you look at a bankruptcy, it's you're dead for seven fucking years.

That's a long time to be dead for. That's dead. That's dead. I was dead for like 13 years. And was it hard for you to, like, get, I mean, you weren't even applying for this. I had a credit card that was 250. Okay. That was 82%.

Jesus. So if I put a sandwich out at the airport, it was just a trap. My wife got me a time. $250 card just to travel, but it was 30%. So if I got a cheeseburger, it was $42. And that shit was ticking. That's another company that would call me and go, hey, you're at $298. You better make a payment right now.

We're going to shut down the car. You know, it was fucking brutal, you know. And then I had that, the pager, which doesn't fucking get you anything. And then I don't even, my friend of ours opened up a sprint store on Hollywood on sunset, right? buy the comic book store where we did the podcast at? Yeah. Right there.

There used to be a sprint store there. Okay. And he told me, he goes, come in, and I'll get you hooked up for 200. Come in, and I'm like, he ain't got to do it. He fucking did it.

And then that builds up a little bit. And then, you know, guys, who the fuck knows? I just, to this day, I'm still Leria credit cards. They're very scary. I'm liria credit cards.

I'm happy they're ATMs. I'm happy that when you go to you got the money in the bank. And that's it. It's yours. It's not yours. But that of this shit, that's the quickest way

of shooting yourself in that. It's like the other day. And listen, you guys are going to look at me and go, Joe, you're a hypocrite. No, I'm going to tell you the truth. The other day I'm watching this fucking, I was watching something,

sporting event. And Terry, my wife, goes, that's just weird that there's a sports betting line on the TV. And I go, Terry, this is it.

Listen, when you grew up in this area as a child, guys talk gambling all the time. So eventually you put in that first five-timer, which was $5 to win 25 or lose 30, you know, and you get, and I grew up with three or four people got into gambling problems. But I predict in the next 10 years, five years, the gammon problem is going to be worse than it's ever been.

because it's introduced to these kids at a young, young age, and it's accepted. You know? When I was 18, you had to call a guy high, black cavalier. Yeah. Now you just put 200 on your books, and you're ready to rock. At 18, 19, little Joey, the kid around the corner had three or four counts.

He's fucking 10. He's 10, Fandul and another one, you know. And these kids figure it out. I don't give it. fuck. The same way we figured out how to get somebody to buy liquor for us, they figure out how to open up, they'll go in front of the mother and take their hand

while they're sleeping and, yeah, there's a thousand things, right? And even then, like, I'm sure kids get credit cards on, like, on their phones now and bank, all you have to do is attach it to a bank account. I mean, like, luckily, a lot of these major, like,

people have, like, they verify everything, but you never know. They could get into their parents' account and place bets, I'm sure that happens. It's, uh, the whole, like, even just all, everything the phone brings to kids is crazy. Everything, like everything in your world

is on your fucking phone. Like, somebody steals your phone and they're crafty, you're done. You're done because they've allowed that. They've allowed it to put Apple pay and this pay and Bupo Pooh pay. I'm going to pay nothing with my fucking phone. I got an ATM card and I got a

pocket and that's where I pay from. I don't need to, King Like a fucking idiot To be cool in front of your friends I don't need that I don't need to order ahead You don't order ahead

No I don't want them to know I'm coming Why are you going to call somebody And let them know I'm coming You're going to shoot me I'm coming right into your hands You want to poison me with that coffee or whatever I don't do none of that I show up and you put the order in and you watch them

You look in their eye You black dog Because they're not they don't know Who's the order for? Lee. Okay, they don't know fucking Lee unless you go in there every day. And you start a relationship with them, but today, nobody talks. They go to a counter, right? There's a food, they put a bag on a thing.

Right. You walk in, you look at it, thank you, and you walk out. You don't know. They don't know you from Adam. No, people steal that stuff all the time. Yeah, I would, dog. Can you imagine in my day? Shit, I'd be eating for free like a motherfucker right now.

Walking into Starbucks fucking lifting. I see it all the time. And people just, they leave it there. They wait for the Uber. How many times have I been in Starbucks with my daughter? And there's a couple of those drinks and fucking cherry drinks. And all of a sudden some fucking dude walks in. Like, he just ran out of the track.

You know, like he's just getting chased out of the racetrack and Freehold, which is closed. But he comes out and he's like, eh, Uber. So Uber picks up coffee for you. Uber will pick up anything you want. I'm too old school. I can't do it. No, I don't want to order ahead. Unless I, like, if I have to order, like, there's two or three things I could order from my favorite restaurant.

I could order chicken palm and they'll cook it for me. I could order anything and they'll pick it up. I trust them. Right. Everybody else, I don't want to trust. I want to go there and order and see what they do and how they act, like with a Chinese restaurant. Right. I want them to see them make it.

It's right there the kitchen. But you can't usually see into the kitchen. There's two restaurants in my neighbor. You can see in the kitchen Chinese places. I had no idea that was part of like the Oh yeah that's the whole thing When they get the food on the walk The cat

They throw gasoline on that motherfucker And the thing blows up They still yelling Atao A tao pop pee pa Do they ever get mad at you For just staring at them Are you like me mad at the whole time?

No I'm fucking amazed by them Listen if I go to a How many restaurants you go to there Alafresco Whatever the fuck Where the kitchen's wide open I would never work at one of those places No

Like if I was a chef Listen, this is what I need Is you a bunch of fucking jerk-offs looking at me? Go fuck yourself. El Nito has three tables for VIPs that you just look in the kitchen. Yeah, they have tables in the kitchen that some restaurants. Oh, I'm not doing that.

I got to perform like a seal now. It's hard enough I got to cook. Now I've got to have three idiots like, you know, looking at me with a fucking glass or whatever the fuck they're holding. I forgot it was Cinco de Ma yesterday. What a fucking. fucked up holiday.

You didn't like single tomorrow? Well, it's like a bullshit holiday because it doesn't, even Mexicans don't do it. It's for white people to drink margaritas. Like right now, if you go anywhere on Route 22 or any of those Mexican explosion, that's what you're going to see. A bunch

of white girls about to get raped. You know what I'm saying? With that fucking tequila shit letting themselves off. Somebody slips a roofie with a tequila, you're done. You wake up, what happened? Yeah, I'll tell you what happened. You dumb fuck. You should to stay at home.

It is kind of amazing how, like, there's so many holidays that if you boil them down or just people want to get fucked up. But you don't know. You only know one year when you puke on that holiday. When you puke on Cinco de Mara and you wake up the next morning, you're like, well, I went to a bar.

There was no Mexicans then. There was not one Mexican jumping up and down. The only Mexican was the bus boy. And they treated them like shit. They were whipping them in the whole fucking thing. Yeah. Like, what about, like, St. Patrick's Day? Isn't that really not?

Like, do Irish people really care about that? Yeah, but listen, you don't want to entangle the Irish. What happens with the Irish? Just leave the Irish alone. It's that day, you know, St. Patrick is Italian, right? That's how fucked up it is. So just don't worry about it. If they offer you a drink, you take it.

Like, Mother's Day is bullshit. It just makes me sentimental. I go, what the fuck? Mother's Day is every day. Right. In your world, Mother's Day is every fucking day. call them, thinking about them, whatever. Right?

You'd hope so. In the Father's Day, that's the worst. That's the worst of all the fucking holidays. You don't like it? No, like it. I fight hard every day for that little fucking munchkin. So why, and you don't want, I don't know, it's not nice? What we're going to do?

Go to a park, look around. You get to grill? Happy Father's Day, let's go eat. There's nothing there. It's a homemade holiday. That's true. You know, it's like I think they're going to, change a bunch of holidays back.

Like they're going to bring back Columbus Day and something else and something else. No more Androgynes a day. That shit got cut out. That's it. There's one change that I saw that I wanted to get your opinion on. Which is? They're opening Alcatraz. Okay.

Let's just say they do. Could you imagine like being sent there? That's fucked up. After the guy mugs you, well, they'll send them. there. How's that? Well, yeah, fuck him.

Have you been to Alcatraz? Yeah. Me too. You take, I've been like two times. Tremendous. You take the fucking boat out there. I don't think people would survive out there now. Yeah.

I think it's been a big difference in weather, climate. That's a cold motherfucker out there. Probably. I'm going to repeat it. That's a cold motherfucker out there. I'm going to repeat it. That's a cold mother-fucker. fucker. September, you go to those stadiums, you freeze. I can't even think about October

when Barry Bonds was hitting those home runs into the ocean, whatever the fuck. Those games were fucking, you freeze to death. You would see those people out there like freezing. I mean, it's California. I knew it was a little colder. I didn't know it was that cold. Do you think it's... Dog, I remember I went up there with Felicia. I left Burbank Airport. It was 100 degrees. I had a white t-shirt on. And I landed in San Francisco, and I had to stop in Fisherman's War and get one of those welcome to San Francisco sweatshirts. In July, it was fucking 60 and freezing. Because that wind comes off that ocean, blazing.

Blazing. Remember, so what's the writer? What's the famous writer? The coldest winter I ever spent was a summer in San Francisco. Oh, shit, I don't know. Yeah, the coldest winter he ever spent was a summer in San Francisco. Mark Twain, there you go. So Alcatraz is a prison

Unless they reheat it You know, you got it's so out functioned now Yeah, no, it's they couldn't put people there now But it doesn't listen Here's what the The purpose of a prison is punishment Right It's not for you to go to a vacation or anything like that

That's the real purpose of a fucking prison And to try to get rehabilitated They don't give a fuck about They think putting you in a hole with no windows is going to rehabilitate you. Right. You know what I'm saying? But, like, what's that Colorado Supermax?

You don't even see sunlight there. Really? That's under the fucking ground. They built it in. Oh, shit. It's like two or three floors in. Oh, no, I didn't know that. Yeah.

I wish we had all this shit used to we could show people. But all that shit was a prison that was built down. So it's like either two or three floors. That's where America's worst are at. All the terrorists, all the people, people, that's where they put them. That's, you're not ever going to see fucking daylight again. They might like Alcatraz then. It's kind of pretty. Yeah. Like to go from on, in the ground? I don't know it was in the ground. I'm not even trying

to be funny. No, no, no. I'm not talking about Alcatraz. I'm talking about the one in Colorado. Right. Supermax, whatever the fuck. And then they have, then you're going to open up Alcatraz, which again, it doesn't pertain to me because I'm not planning on doing any crimes. No, I of course not. There's two or three I'd like to do. I'd like to do them. That's all. I would have to be way more. said so if they open it listen prison in this country is a business uh-huh there's no end the topic to it that there's maybe three people who'll tell you that yeah we could do it and people could get better no it's not it's just a business they open up halfway houses

prisons prisons prisons you know it's a business so yeah we got more criminals so you might as well open up more prisons I can't imagine like you just to To be an Alcatrazia seemed extra scary. I didn't... It's 24 hours. Because like no one's ever escaped. Well, they did. Clinice would escape.

I apologize. Nobody caught that dude. Nobody found the body. They just found the shackles years later. Okay. The sharks could have fucking ate him, but that dude was never found. So let's just say he didn't really escape.

He tried. He tried. A bunch of people. I think it was like 12 or 14. I think I read today. And nobody. No, the only that one guy. who like they didn't find.

They didn't find. But it's, I don't know, but like, the amount of money it would cost to rebuild it. Like you just said, prison is a business.

Do you think we should be spending like our money on like building? I don't know, that seems fucked up. I mean, who we're going to throw in that? Homeless people? I guess.

Give them their own island. Homeless island out there. Send the migrants out there with them. Oh, she today they didn't have the, they didn't have the, the sweatshirt on. They had the camouflage hat.

I saw like three of them walking on the camouflage hat, my favorite migrants. But no, all jokes aside, listen, it's like anything else. If you build it, they'll come. Right, yeah. You build Alcatraz, rebuild it. I don't know what it's going to cost.

I'm not a construction. This is the first I heard about this. Oh, okay. So, yeah, listen, keep opening them up. And there's a bunch of other prisons that are fucking shut down, maybe. Rattie. Listen, this is, it's a prison.

It's not supposed to be the four seasons. It's fucking prison. Yeah, you got your little lawn park for the Italians up there in Northern California. They go up there and learn how to play tennis and ride horses. You got the one on the East Coast. I forget what it is. You got prison camps to the fucking pretty nice.

But you've earned your time. You've paid for an attorney. You know what I'm saying? You maintain him. You covered your bills. Now it's time to celebrate a little bit. You go up the lawn park. That's where all the pimps are.

go, but not everybody's going to get to go up there. Right. So, you know me, dog. I ain't planning on going back to jail, but I don't think, and then you have the one in Cuba that they're using. Oh, Guantanamo. Guantanamo. Aren't they using

Guantanamo, too? What's that? Oh, it's just for migrants? I didn't know that, yeah. But why are we building, see, again, I don't want to get into politics, but why are we building a jail to put migrants in there? Send them back. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, that makes sense.

Okay. See, when you're like it, like, let's say, I didn't have paperwork, and I came from Cuba 14 months ago. Mm-hmm. I do something wrong, anything. I throw a wrapper on the floor. If a cop pulls me over and takes me down,

it's a whatever violation. They could take you back to Cuba. Damn, okay. If you get in trouble, you're not throwing a piece of wrapper on the floor, but you know what I'm saying. Like if I commit a heavy-duty crime and they take me down to immigration, they can pull me out of you.

And then for those, those people are going to just shoot me. That's all they do. They just shoot you. You're a traitor to the country. You came here. You left on a raft. Oh, they send you back to Cuba?

Yeah, they send you back to Cuba. They just shoot you. And everybody knows that. That's why they have all these fucking people trying to get the human rights violations down there. There's tons of women. They don't give a fuck. They're a communist country.

You think they're fucking, their prisons have TVs and remote controls and they give you three eggs for breakfast and it's club fed. Do you think that's what they got down there? No. It's brutal.

There's no air conditioner. That island gets hot. Power goes out. It was a jail that they would just make them walk around naked. Can you imagine that? Being in a prison with men naked. And there's a hole in the floor and that's where you shit and piss.

Good luck. getting to that fucking hole. Especially, like, especially, like, where I am now. Like, I can't, if you grew up there, like, I don't know, if you grow up there, is it less crazy? Or is it just as crazy? If you grew up in Cuba? Yeah.

Well, half the people in a Cuban prison, aren't there because they're real criminals? It's because they broke a political policy. Like, they broke their day. Oh, they're putting people like that and that kind of prison? Oh, I thought this was like Supermax. Well, no, no, no. They have a couple prisons in Cuba. They have many detention centers and shit.

like that but on every every province as they call them okay probably have a prison right okay but if you don't go to school like I forget what the rules were if you didn't go to work like three days in the row they put you in jail they do a ton of shit to you that we don't know about or some of us do but they do but I know when I met people 40 years ago that was just getting out of Cuba for Marielle it was brutal on Saturdays and Sundays you had to go to a meeting place and Fidel spoke for eight to ten hours and you have to stand there in the heat

and there's people watching in the audiences to see if you're falling asleep you have to clap after everything he said you had to do all that shit if people saw you not clapping they come over get you and throw you in fucking jail give you a beating it's fucking brutal and to think that were

90 miles from that and it's been close to 60 years 70 years 60 years that Nobody has done shit. Right. I mean, and that's like, it's a hard question because, you know, we, we, I'm on, I don't want to get political either. But, like, there has to be some fine line.

Like, you are, you are an immigrant. Like, so, like, you understand where these people are coming from. Like, a lot of people are in fucked up situations. And, like, that's kind of what America was built on. But it obviously went, like, a little, like, a lot too far. It's really weird how I feel about all that stuff. When I first moved to Jersey, you know, a couple miles away is a club 35. Okay.

35 triple X. It's a club that my friends owned. And it's just a strip club that's buckwild. It's buck wild on there. But the first time I went in there to see him, he said to me, all those girls over there are Cuban. So after a couple minutes, one of them always come up to you and talk to you. And I started talking to one that was young and nice. and she was about 25

and I'm looking at this girl and she's beautiful I mean she's beautiful on these streets if you dressed her up and shaved her eyebrows and you know got her tightened up she's a fucking knockout

she was blonde she was funny and you know I would give her like 30 bucks just sit here talk to me and I would ask creepy questions about Cuba and she would wait for me some night she'd go to Wednesday

you're gonna come you know like the whole thing I liked it I don't know ever since the club closed down I don't know what those fucking people are doing that. But I would talk to her, man, and it would make me really fucking sad. Why? That that place is still doing that. Like, these people get on a... Like, yeah, now you could leave. Now, if you do the paperwork, you could leave, but you got to leave somebody down there. Like, this girl had her mother down there. Her father lived in Miami, but her mother was down there.

And she was taking trips once a month to go down there. That's why she stripped. But they're hookers. But they're hookers. But they're... They've been hookers since they were 14. In Cuba? 14, 13, they're out there for the tourists and all these fucking animals that go down there to fuck 14-year-old hookers. I don't know that.

And then these girls come up here and they're buck wild. Cuban chicks, when they go off the rails, they're buck wild. They'll say shit to you that you're like, oh my God. Like she was talking about sucking my ball through my assholes. and sucking the true sperm out of it and I'm like, why are you talking about it?

This ain't going to happen. They're on a different fucking level and I would talk to them. How long have you been doing this for since I was 14? Sometimes I'd be sitting there watching a game and she'd come over like nothing and go, come on, go have a good time,

we'll get your dick sucked. Get any of one of these chicks to suck your dick. I mean, it was fucking insane. That's their mentality. But I would ask them about like different things, the food, And man, it's not good. It's not good.

What happened? Just that I have no meat. Really? Yeah, you get like a laundry list every month of shit. Three cans of ginger ale, eight eggs, but you got, you know, got 30 days. We eat two eggs a day, right? At least. 30 days.

That's 60 eggs. They get eight eggs for four people for a month. They could probably get like two cups of coffee for a month. You've got to keep reusing the filter and figure out they call it white eggs. coffee. That's what they call it in Cuba. White coffee now with some shit. They only have the coffee no more. The soil where all the fucking, those great tobaccos were grown, that soil has been abused. There's no good soil left. They've been banking on that soil since fucking 1920. It's 2025. That soil is fucking, that's why they're not, they're coming from the Dominican Republic.

Are they not? There's, like, Dominican cigars are big. Really? You know, yeah. I remember that. They got a grid that hasn't been built. I think a pirate built it, the electrical grid. Every time there's a storm, they lose power for three or four days. And it's still a communist country? Still a communist country, but not on the other side of that. Again, I'm talking to hypocrisy because my cousins are there. My cousins belong to a national Cuban band.

And guess what? They don't suffer. They don't suffer. They have beautiful homes, swimming pools. They get great money. My cousin performs everything. I'm not again. I'm not talking shit about it.

I'm just telling you the realities of that fucking communist country. These people, they barely eat. They got no shoes. You see the cars in Cuba? Fucking a Cuban can fucking fix a car up, dog. Right. They're all like 70-year-old cars, right? Yeah, 70-year-old fucking cars.

They still got them on the row with duct tape and elbow grease. And I just don't. don't know. Our problem is that our communist kind of, like, so we don't let anything go in? Is that the deal? We have an embargo. We have an embargo. So nothing American could go in there. We can't help them. We can't do anything. So they maintained, they would maintain for years off of Russia. And then Russia went broke, and then they cut them off. So I think the only thing Cuban has is sugar. Yeah.

They trade, but not sufficient. And the government takes all the big packages. You know what I'm saying? and they just give you little buds. Oh, yeah. You know, but then again, we're not, listen, we can sit here and talk about Cuba. There's places in Africa that are like that. I mean, listen, man, we goof around a lot and all that, but what's Palestine look like?

You know, think about all these places now on earth. Think about what our fucking freedoms are. We get up and go get a hot dog. We get up and fucking go smoke pot or something like that. And there's these fucking people that. And now you have to think about how lucky was I that God let me be born in the United States. Oh, yeah. Like, did you ever think about it?

You could have been born in Africa with flies on you, and people coming up to you were a dish in their mouth trying to talk to these shit, and you're like, I got, I got, I don't know what the thing. And I'm not saying that's bad. They might be looking at us going, look at those billy goats in America with everything. But you ever think of that? That's when it really gets scary when you're like, how lucky am I. But I wasn't born during fucking, you know, in India during the fucking,

the cow scare of 1922 or whatever the fuck of it. You know, you guys don't, you know what I'm saying? Absolutely. You have to at times go, what? Why was I so lucky that I was born in this country instead of Switzerland or fucking somewhere that's not kosher? Where you see people like, you ever see that late night commercial and all those people have the fucked up lips and you've got to send them money, you know.

Clefleville. Yeah, how come we weren't born there? How lucky you are. So when you start thinking about that, you go, you know what? I got to do something in my fucking life. Yeah.

We're very lucky. So it's pretty fucking interesting. Let's take a breather. We're going to talk to you about a couple things today. Draft Kings, Nick, Blue, Chu. You know how we do it. We'll be back.

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Four additional terms and responsible gaming resources, see dkng.com slash audio. We're back, bitches. Anyway, Lee Syatt is fucking done. because he took a week off. He went to training, everything was good. He went up there with his girlfriend. That means they're on five milligram edibles and the whole thing.

Do I ever get to defend myself? No, it's not a week off. It's 400 milligrams. Yeah, but that's why. We got a shock the fucking system. You took 10 days off. Didn't even bring an edible up there with you. Dick the round for two fucking weeks.

You know, now you want to tell me, I know what I'll talk about. My mother's 70, listen, leave me alone, all right? You ate Puerto Rican food at some white people's house. No, no, Puerto Rican's food, that was really good. They're white Puerto Rican. Dude, if anyone had 400 milligrams,

people come up to me and they tell me, like, I've had doctors come up to me and be like, we're surprised like you're okay. Oh, I'll tell them to go fuck themselves. They're all pussies, too, these fucking doctors. They're a bunch of fucking pussies. They don't know dick about dick. They know something.

I'm surprised you're still alive. If they knew so much, How come when I took the 800 milligrams in the hospital and my heart rate was up above the moon? How come they couldn't figure it out, okay? Because they don't think people are going to dose himself with animals in the hospital. They were looking at my eyes.

They had lights in there. I'm like, you find the fucking helmet, you fuck, and they couldn't find it. So don't believe it, doctor. They don't know dick about the T.C world. I've been involved in the T. I'm 62 years old. At this point, you've got to say,

he's been doing something for 50 fucking years. Because 12 is usually the starting point. I've been in this shit for 50 years. Nobody's died. Nobody's OD. Nope. Well, there's a couple people who have become retarded. But God loves them too.

You know what I'm saying? God loves the retards too, and I'm one of them. I know it's affected me, but fuck, you know, you're not going to come to me with some Chinese story about Rifa. Maybe anything else or pills or whatever. Not Rifa. I've been living proof. And all across the country, all across the country,

from Thai weed in 83, here all the way over there to the shit from the Golden Triangle before it was even a Golden Triangle. What's the Golden Triangle? I'm not going to tell you. It's those four cities, like up in Northern California by Humboldt

and the other ones and they grow weed up there. Okay. It looked like fucking Coke in the 80s. That's how many white powders was in the fucking bag. So now people are going to come tell me about TAC? I don't fucking think so. That's why when I go to weed stores, I just got aggravated. When people tell me that, oh, it's 29% but you got

Turpene. Listen, these terpenes don't do nothing. I need torpedoes. Not turpines. Turpines are for faggots. I need torpedoes to shoot in my fucking brain. You know, dog, we don't even get high on 29, 30% weed. I don't. No. I got to put it up there and add Makukia juice to it and fucking, we've worked hard for this tolerance and I'm fucking proud of it. So fuck you and fuck them. And fuck the doctor too. We're going to tell you. I hate when Pete, listen, you're not going to tell me that you've got a lot. license to smoke weed because your foot hurts. Listen, I'm too old.

I'm too old. Just look me in the eye and go, listen, I like getting fucking high. Okay, then. Don't tell me you get high. Not you. Not you. I'm not accusing you. I'm not accusing you.

You're a good egg. What I'm saying is that fucking, you know, people want it right away. Well, he's been smoking pot. I'm sick and tired of people blaming everything on fucking drugs. You know? Maybe you were retort when you started and you shouldn't have done drugs. Did you ever think of that? Because I know that was my problem.

I wasn't ready for drugs, but I indulged in them and then went deep. And I wasn't ready for that. It broke me. And somewhere I made it back. I don't know where the fuck I made it back. I'm not all there, but I'm not fucked up either, hearing things. I live a very normal life. It's not like I'm fucking, you know, what do I care?

If the weed keeps my powder dry, so be it. You have to figure out in life what keeps your powder dry. For some people, it's reading a book. for some people is jumping off a fucking building. For some people, it's getting their dick suck. And for some people, like me, I'm very content when I get smoked weed at night. Very content.

Very content. And is it something you see yourself doing for the rest of your life? Fuck, yeah. So I'm in that fucking recovery room with the ear cancer and the fucking, you can't smoke in here, the oxygen. Go fuck yourself. I'm blowing the whole place up. Yeah.

I'm blowing the whole fucking blaze up. I'm not going silent in the night. I'm Uncle Joey, bitch. Speaking of which, we've discussed this person on the show again over the last couple months because it's my entertainment right now. I don't have much entertainment,

but my form of entertainment is to torture certain people. I've been waiting eight months to torture this girl, and she finally gave me the answer. This morning, I wake up at Monday morning like I do every fucking Monday. 615 and I just picked up my phone. I have my whoop on there for sleep.

So I usually do that when I'm waiting for the coffee to brew. I hit the whoop button and it tells me how hours I slept, how many times I woke up in the middle of night. And usually, because I don't do drugs anymore, I don't have anybody calling me late at night. Every once in a while I got somebody from California, there's a guy that's a writer that hits me up, but he fucking forgets.

Like I get to text message at 3 in the morning. I'm like, this guy's a, and he's from New York. That's what really burns me up. They still text me at 12 o'clock thinking it's nine here. That's how retarded he is. So I got to hit him up every once in a long, go, what the fuck how?

You know, so this morning I woke up to three texts, and one of them was from this crazy girl. And I opened it up, and she goes, good morning. I just want to let you know. I went to see Palm Reader, one of those people, and he said that you should be in my life. and he told me or she told me that I'm from a different planet. And I always knew that I was from a different planet,

but then I went home and told my mother, and she said that she's honored that that planet let her raise this girl. Now, I don't know what this is. So I put the fucking phone down. I get my glass of water with 22 ice cubes. I drink like three glass of water. I go outside. It was rain this morning,

but I still went outside. I had a hood of sweatshirt, so I went outside. I thank God for giving me another day. I'm thankful for what I got and for what I don't got. And then I deal with the world. And then after I finish that cup of coffee,

I deal with the world. I didn't even deal with it then. I went downstairs, and I sprayed the shit in my lungs and fucking red Yahoo. There was something I wanted to see if Houston won last night. I was looking through all that. Then I finally went out.

I smoked and I came in, I go, now I'm ready to look at this fucking text message. Because sometimes I think I can't read. Sometimes I look at text messages, and I don't even know who sent them. Like, sometimes I can't see that. It's dark in my room when I get up, and then I just go to the bathroom, peep, put my sweats on. So I look at this message again. I got a message from a buddy of mine and some of the lunatic, and I look at her message. This is the one I wanted to see again.

And again, I read. I went to see a hand reader, whatever the fuck. And he says that we should stay friends. And that fucking, I'm from another planet. And I always knew I was from another planet. Something just crazy talk. I had to put my glasses to actually look at it. And that she told her mother and the mother said she's honored

that the planet gave her to her to raise. And I'm like, wow, this is fucked up. I didn't even answer it. I just erased it because it was too heavy in the morning. I can't deal with that. that I can't deal with that heavy anymore. I got a 12-year-old and she's going to come down the stairs any minute with some fucking nonsense.

And I sit there and take it. You know, I'm to that point where I just turn the chair around and sit there and watch her, just spiel about something that I have no idea what she's talking about. Yeah, but that kind of, that's... But then I thought about it throughout the day, and I'm like, this is my hook to torture. I get like one of those lights that people put up

in front of those clubs in front of New York. You know what I'm saying? When you pull up in your limo and the lights going around. Right. We'll put one of those things in front of her house, like 50 yards, like a beam of light that just shines through her window when she's watching TV, and we'll set her up like that, little by little.

Leave like Martian shit on her car or something. You're going to go nuts. So who cares? She's already nuts. If somebody goes to a palm reader, if I went to a palm reader as a goof and this motherfucker told me that was from another planet. What would I do?

I tip them and walk out of that. I don't know. I don't fucking know, but I wouldn't believe it, you know. I mean, I don't even want to get into that because then the third with a fucking conspiracy people come up to me, but it's just fucking weird what's happening in America today.

It really gets, grab the water. It's okay. Did you see that? He just had his hand up like chiller, like, like Chilla Theater, remember? He had that little Jew hoof up like he was scared. He couldn't even know what a...

This is 400 million. And I ate like six, this motherfucker. I didn't do you eat six. I ate two here with you, and I ate one on the way up, and I smoked a blunt on the way up because it was bump of the bumper of traffic, and I couldn't see.

So I said, fuck it, if you're walking on ice, you might as well dance. If you're not going to see with all this rain, I might as well, I had this half a blunt left dog. I smoked a yes there at my daughter's game on the way of the game, because I was running late, I was fucked up. My wife went and got McDonald's for everybody,

but I killed that shit. And then that, me and her were both sick last night. We had stomach aches. I had like six of those McNuggets and some fries. And a Dr. Pibb, and I was fucking fucked up. Mr. Pib, whatever, Dr. Pepper. I don't even know no more. What happened?

You're not going to hear me the hand? He had the hoof. Ooh. Ooh, is right. Yeah, I told you. We ain't fucking around here no more. We're adults now. You know what I'm saying?

The church in L.A. was something different. You took two, three years off. I told you, we're going to kick it back up again. But then you started fucking around with those edibles from New Hampshire and the faggy bagels and the whole fucking deal. And then now this is why you like this.

You can eat 400 and fucking do backflips when I met you. No, first of all, no, I couldn't. Yes, you could. Now you eat 400. Look at you. You know, you're not going to remember to score the Celtic Nick game tonight. That's how fucked up you are, cocksucker.

It's not going to be good. No, but it's okay. You need this once in a while. You were too much of a... What do you mean? Last week you had a faggy week. That's bullshit. Work, a surprise party for mom.

Come on. We got to pick it up a little bit. You got to tell me about some sex clubs. I got to have fucking... Sex clubs. I got to have Eric come back in, take you some sex club. That's what you need.

I don't want to go to the sex club, but I love to see her. You need something. You need something, because you're two, you know. There was one. You live in the city, eat a bagel in New Hampshire.

I've never seen anything like this. What? What? What? There was a sex club that opened up in Connecticut right next to a church they just found.

Did you join? No. Then why are you bombing me before? Did you bring me a coupon so you could call them up and harass them? No, I think they're closing it because it's like right next to a church.

That's what, I don't understand. They worked from strength because if you want freaks, go to a church. That's all the freaky people, all those people that pray to God, They're the ones that fucking fuck little hookers on Tuesday nights after bingo and all that shit. They go down there and fuck a black chick, even though they tell their wife they're racist.

You know, that's what Christians and Catholics do. They're disgusting people. So a fucking hookah house next to a church would be the perfect fucking thing. That's, well, it wasn't a hooker house, but yeah. But anyway, I'm thinking of taking this girl like an Eddie Bravo grounds. Oh, my God. Like running an all-assault phone. video tap into a house

make little fucking woo-woo like make those noises you know outside the window isn't she gonna watch this huh isn't she gonna hear this wouldn't she hear this? No she don't watch this she's too stupid

she wouldn't even put this on even though she's too stupid how long do you think this assault will take? Right now it's May 6th by the time I get the wheels going with some torches because you can't just hit them with one torture. You got to hit them with three in a row, like something in the car.

Like they get like a beam of light in the car and that's easy. That's easy. That's around the corner. I don't know where she lives. That's the problem I have. That's the only thing. I got to follow her home one night. My wife's car or something and fucking.

Yeah. It's so secret. If it's my wife's going. Yeah, I just got to, when somebody tells me that they're from another planet, now we've got to work this. We got to work this. We got to put like a little, you know, like the hat Norton War when he thought he was Captain Video, like one of those hats, the Space Rangers.

You know, the space hats that you put on. Right. We should put one on her car just to let her know what's coming for you or whatever. Well, I've got to watch that movie with the Martians and the old people. What's that movie when they're, the Martians, come to the old folks home, and they got all that energy to fucking swim. I don't know. Come on.

None of you motherfuckers ever saw that movie. One of the greatest movies of all time. Yeah. They're old people and they were the old folks home and Martians came and put the eggs in their swimming pool. So if you're swam in the fucking pool, you got the strength of the Martians. And these guys were 60, 70, fucking break dancing.

That's right. I did see it at your house. That's right. With Wilford Brimley and the guy from 48 hours, the old guy from 48 hours, he's in... Is it cocoon?

Cacoon! Coon is a badass fucking movie. So I could put something like that. I gotta watch Cacoon to see how the Martians attack. Maybe war the worlds. But everybody thinks they come in satellites and shit. So I gotta work it differently.

We gotta hit her from a different perspective. Or you could just leave her alone and hope she goes and... tell someone else about this stuff. Nah, it's too much fun. We've got to push her over the hill. One time, we got to have a little just a little push over the hill

to make her believe she's a Martian. Oh my God. That's what we need to do. I need to make her believe that she's really from another planet. And then she'll fucking, listen, I don't need to do anything. I could just move on, you're right. But, come on. I haven't had that type of fun since Eddie Bravo with the CIA.

You know what I'm saying? When I told about the Joe is in the CIA. That was my best work up to date. When I used to call you and tell you not to pick up the phone because the cops were going to call you, don't say a word, and I hang up on you. Same thing. They're all done.

Like, I go to a house and steal one of her shoes. Like, right, you're breaking the house and steal all her shoes, but only the right one. Oh, my God. That's diabolical. Leave a note. The Martians only dance on one foot. See, I'm thinking already.

This is what I need. I need a little group here to help me, and we can fucking do this correctly. Push her over the top. She leaves the state. She moves to New Mexico and waits for Martians. Is that the goal, like the goals to get her to leave? I have no goals.

I'm no man. I just want to giggle, smoke dope. It's fucking insane how Friday night. I didn't want to tell you guys. I was really upset. I told my wife when she got home Friday night. I told it, I write to a face. I go, I did this, I did that.

I went to the weed store. You know, I did a couple things. And she goes, why don't you? Because they went to see a play Friday night. And she goes, why don't you go out? You know, why don't you? And I'm like, I sat there all night thinking about what I was going to do. And then I said, you know what?

I got Patreon, like Patreon money that I never spent. I go, maybe I'll cash it out and go to a strip club. and just throw a bunch of singles up in the air right like i even thought of that and i'm like nah and i was thinking about all these maybe i'll go up north maybe i'd just walk into a disco i was thinking about going to that fight now i kicked myself in the ass you know it was at that fight at times square roberto duran we fucked up mike tyson was there roberto duran i would have died just I would have, because there were VIP seats. I would have just sat next to Roberto Duran

and picked his fucking mind all night. He loves talking Spanish, whatever he could remember of it. You know? Huh? Garcia lost. Yeah, I know that. What do you think it's fucking, that was Monday, cucksucker? You don't think I, even a bird by now came over and told me, hey, Garcia lost.

But, you know, I just felt bad. I'm like, I could see, like, weekends. I used to lose my mind. Like, when I robbed the lady downstairs, or a lady upstairs from me was a Sunday because I get bored on the weekends. I don't listen. You know, I don't eat on a Wednesday.

It don't bother me. I don't smoke pot on the Wednesday. Don't bother me. But on Friday, Saturday, Sunday, you got to be doing something. You got to smoke some dope and eat some food. And that's when I would just rob you. Like, by Friday, I did my worst crimes on Friday, Saturday,

because I just didn't even have the patience. Like, enough with this shit. I'm eating a steak. I'm getting the Chinese session. beef and all I wanted was Setschuan beef, pork fried rice, and egg grow, and a $20 bag of refa. I don't ask for much. I could see if I was saying, well, I want to go to Club Benetian and walking with a helicopter. No, I didn't want all that shit.

I just wanted shredded beef from that Chinese restaurant in Fort Lee, pork fried rice, and egg roll, a little wonton soup with some noodles, and I'd walk across the bridge. How's that for you? I'd walk across the bridge to save on bus money and burn the calories I ate from that fucking Chinese. needs food. But after a while, and this Friday it hit me. When my wife came home, I was this close to crying, and going, what type of man, that's 60? And I told me, I got to go to that fucking bourbon street and throw singles up in the air. That money's not going anywhere. It's just single money. I could just throw it up in the air, like $1,800 bucks, like, and just go,

ooh, make believe I'm a big shot. I'm like, no. Why would I want to do that? I mean, nothing seemed good. There's nothing like what about No trip you'd like to take? No what? A trip. On a Friday night at 8 o'clock At 7.30 at night, there's no fucking trips. I'm talking about immediate.

What can I do to get my fucking whistle hot and to keep my potter drawing a Friday night? There was really nothing. I mean, I'm not going to one of those Jersey restaurants with the chubby chick with smoke around her and she's doing some belly dance routine and they got the John Wick music when they shot the Italian chick.

Oh, in the background. I don't want to see that shit. Like, what's her name, Lori? What's the chick from North Bergen that goes out every weekend with the hairpiece? It's got the fucking hairpiece and the whole thing. I'm sure she's loving this conversation. Yeah, they go to some club and like TNACC

and there's always that chubby Arab dancing. I don't want to see no chick dancing with her stomach out when I'm trying to eat fucking food. And they got that creepy John Wick music in the back and all these New Jersey people that are fucking basically white trash. I'm sitting there making believe and there's a bunch of moaks

walking around with giant shirts on a Friday night with hats jet hats and tattoos and I'm like, nobody's getting pussy in that place. Look at the shape of that fucking place. Ain't nobody getting a fucking piece of tart in there. No.

So I was like, when Terry got home, she goes, you didn't do nothing. I went out for Ryan, I did this. You know, I just, I go, I couldn't get myself this. Some days, bro, I love to eat eat at a restaurant. You guys know me. I fucking love it. If I didn't have to eat it on,

I'd be the happiest man in the world. But every time I go to a restaurant, it's drama now, except when we go to our little restaurants. But even tonight, these motherfuckers are chicken noodles soup. What am I? What am I, 80? I'm 62.

Fucking give me some love in there. But every time, like, if you go to a good restaurant, it's what water do you want? Do you want a cocktail? Just give me the fucking food. Yeah. Can I get a selfie? and you're like, you know what, man,

I'm just trying to fucking eat my food, you know? So I don't even go out. Friday nights is a shitty night to go out anyway by me. All the restaurants are packed. There's a wait list. Where are you going? You want to go fight people. It's not even worth it.

The food comes late. They don't come at all, you know. Yeah. What happened to my fucking steak? You wanted a steak? No. I'm sitting here because fucking, you know, Moses is making a comeback.

You know, the fuck is wrong with people. And it would be, It would be better to do it on a slower night because I went when it was busy and it was really loud, so it was hard to hear people in Boston. Yeah, you went out Friday night to a surprise party. Yeah. With 80 people in the room that you don't know, you're fucked.

Anyway. I'm just saying it's hard to hear, so we went on a slower night. Sure, it's hard. I can't hear anything as it is. Right. If you have a conversation and somebody, I can't hate you. I'm lost. So never mind music and John Wick music.

Oh, ah, he, he, Whatever that shit, they listen to. And I'm supposed to be impressed. Oh, I love this. You're from fucking Carney. Okay? Knock it off. You're from Carney.

You've been sucking dick since you were eight. And now you want to tell me about fucking, yeah, the fuck is wrong with people. I have no idea. You don't need to have an idea, my brother. It's another week. What do you got for comedy this week? This week I have a couple of shows.

I have a show, actually, I had a temple on the Lower East Side on Thursday. Okay, bomb alert. Bomb alert. There's going to be three cops out there and show. And then on the ninth, I'm going to be at Morristown of the Colonial Comedy Show. What is that? That's not the dojo? No, it's next to the dojo.

Or it's near to the dojo. It's cool. I got offended by Vic. He, it's cool. He's burning bridges. I'm not. Making me nervous. already. I'll call him a call about

Ali Akbar! Anyway. That's what you're going to hear outside your little Jew show Thursday, an Aliag bar and a spitball. But, yeah. And then I will be with Josh Wolf in Virginia at the end of the month. That's the end of the month. Why are you confusing people? Because he brought it up earlier. Huh? Because you brought it up earlier.

No, May 17th is done, though. We got next Wednesday. Thursday, we're at the dojo, a little pre-on-thu show. This Thursday, I'm going to stop by Alfred Robles on Thursday night. George will be gone. I'll be at the stress factory, maybe Thursday night, to see my brother Al. Wednesday, maybe the dojo.

You know, I got to get my shit together. You know what I'm saying? I'm slipping. I'm fucking slipping. Last week it was just, the stitches got loose. I started my court case last week on fucking Zoom. Listen, I don't know if you've ever been to court. But when you go to court on Zoom, that's a complete different fucking side.

I don't know who I'm looking at. And the judge looked like me. But she was a woman with glasses on. And when she popped up on the screen, I'm looking at my wife going, these motherfuckers, that's a meme. That's a me-may with me with glasses on it. And the judge is like, hi, good afternoon. Thank God she didn't hear me.

Thank God. Well, it happened. Because I'm like, she didn't move. She just came on the screen and was looking. I'm like, that motherfucker put up a meme of me. with glasses and the wrong wig on. She had a bunch of wrinkly face like mine. I'm like, what's going on with this fucking woman?

The next thing you know. She goes, hi, I'm, uh, she wasn't really a judge. She was a mediated. So in L.A. you have to have a mediation first, a quarter of the mediation. Okay. And then it goes to trial June 30th. Oh, shit.

I started trial June fucking 30th on Zoom. Every day after 5 o'clock. Because 5 o'clock is 2 o'clock back there. So June 30th to 2 o'clock, we're in court. and it's not criminal charges. It's a civil suit against a weed company. Right. Like four of them.

For using my likeness, this motherfucker went off, Jack. He went off. I don't know. I don't know what I can ask. Ask with your little clammy hand. What's the matter? God damn it.

I'm going to have to drop you up at Children's Hospital. You have to like sit in and you're going to watch a trial going on? It's not, it's, I don't know if they're doing jurors. It's just a judge, and now we're going to settle on how much money I get. That's it. Cool. That's cool?

Yeah. I'm not going to get rich. It's not like I'm going to see a millionaire, but at least I make this guy fucking pay. You know, that was the most important thing. He gave me his word, the whole thing. Thank God I got an attorney, and he put it on contract, and then the guy tried to play a Louis Lamour, and my attorney was like, nope, not this time, motherfucker. And it's heavy duty.

Like he's got nowhere to go. Because if he doesn't pay it, they take his license. And even if he doesn't pay it, then they go into the weed store and we sell weed and make a profit until we get our money or $100K, whatever the fuck it is. And then there's a taxes and attorney fees out of it. Like I said, I'm just, this is why when people say to me, do you want to get into a weed business? I tell everybody no. I tell everybody no.

It's not, I don't have to. time. If I had the time and if I knew what I was doing, like I had a scientist next to me that would grow in the weed and we just combined forces, I would be interested. But I'm not, and people, first of all, I hate when people ask me to go

in the business with them and they show up with like 25% wheat. Obviously, you didn't listen. So, you failed. You failed already. Right. I've been around 12 years preaching the same shit, smoking the same amount of weed, anybody, except that idiot in Jersey City.

that gave us that fucking, that fertilizer. 20 bags of 23%. You know, you didn't know. You didn't know, so I don't even want to do business with you. Because you didn't even take the time to study it that my tolerance is off the chain. And you're showing up with that bad breathweed, 23%. That don't do nothing, a fucking nobody.

I got to give it away. Right. And they're all started to say, well, this stuff's going to kill you. Listen, this stuff ain't going to do a fucking thing to me. I'm up there. My tolerance is up. there. You know, I was telling the chick at the wheat store, when

they gave me that RSO, the first thing I put it on was the edibles that George gives me, the 2,500 milligram chocolate bar. They wanted me to put out a 5 milligram. I'm like, a 5 milligram doesn't even go on my mouth. Just out of principle. Because I failed myself.

So I would break them, and each piece would be 1250, and I'd put that thing on it, and then I'd make like a smores crunch. I'd put another piece on it, and I'd fuck another a lay and I ate it one afternoon. Oh my God. Was it a fucking mistake? It was a mistake and a half, but hey, I'm a big boy now. There hasn't a mistake. You purposely made this sandwich.

That's so, dude. Let me ask you a question. What? When you went to McDonald's and got the fish sandwich and you looked at it and said, First of all, let me go. Okay, whatever. It's the same thing. I choose to edible myself to death and didn't think about it, you looked at a wapa and said, okay, this is my third wapa.

This ain't going to do nothing to me. It's the same. Dude, yeah. But I've never heard of an RSO sandwich. That's like, what, 8,000 milligrams? Whatever it is, it is. Say la V. Life is, you know, you can't walk on one leg.

Pretty soon we're going to be deadly. Did you ever think about that? Like, I'm fucking pissed off. I'm 62, and I got a bunch of life left to me. So, what are you going to talk about? Seriously. I have a bunch of life left to me. I feel like having a party and hiring like 10 hookers

and stabbing eight of them and pulling their hairs and fucking and sucking. And, you know, but I can't. I'm a fucking old man. I can't. I have a hard-on for eight minutes. And then it disappears for two hours. The chicks are sitting around biting their nails

on my fucking money. You know what I'm saying? I got a lot of fucking things going on. And I feel good about it. I never thought that I would have, like not, I don't. I'm lying here. I tell you, I have a lot of things. I have nothing going on.

I have a podcast. I do a couple comedy shows. But I have a lot of things going on in the house, and I really like that. This is a whole new set of life for me. I always ask myself, what would I rather be doing? That's my game, my playing my head.

What would I, would I be sitting here, or will I rather be somewhere blown bottle rockets out of my asshole? That's the game, and what's worth it to me? I'm really happy at my house. I can't believe I tell you these guys.

I remember when I would have friends, and I would ask them, why do you leave the house? Bro, it gets bored in my house. You got everything in your house. You got a pool table, you got a TV, you got a VCR, you know. This is back in like 2000, the 90s. They used to drive me crazy when people went out. And I used to always say, I can't wait to have a house.

You'll never see my Cuban ass. And that's exactly what's happened. Why would we want to leave your house? It's everything you like, no matter what it is, is there. I'm a lazy fuck in the sense that I can come up here and train jujitsu. I won't. It's two hours out of my life, I don't have anymore. I don't have it.

It's not like the old North Bergen that come up at one, and there's 18 people on the street, having sandwiches somewhere. It's not like that no more. But at the same time, I like everything about my house, though. I'm lazy. It wants everything to be 10 minutes from my house, 15 minutes. But you're not, like, that's where we be, okay, we were talking about, like, the delivery. Like, you don't do that.

Like, that's one level, you know, because there's people who don't leave the house at all. No, no, no, no, listen, that's stupidity. Okay, that is stupidity. I'm talking about getting up at 7 reading, drinking coffee, writing a little bit. You have to go to work, whatever. You have to leave the fucking house, okay? Those are losers. Those people are fucking losers, okay?

You got to wash your pussy every morning because those are the people that complain the most about life. And I'll tell you, you get in the fucking shower. You know, I look at the contrast. I look at the difference. I think about 94 when I would wake up with not a dime in my pocket. Not a dime. Hungry, puking from the night before,

did everything I did in Coke, sold every CD I got. So before I get started, I got to walk to the hill and steal a Bruce Springsteen helm and walk into the store and sell it to get $12 so I can eat breakfast. Now it's a different scenario. Now I wake up and I'm okay, whatever.

But every morning, the first sign of depression starts when you don't shower. That's number one. Get up, don't shower, walk around with a robe all day. Do that three days. I shoot heroin in three days. You're hooked. So first thing I do after I drink that coffee

is I wash my pussy. you open up that curtain and go, God, thank you for give me a fucking other day. I'm going to be better than I was yesterday. I'm going to be stoner than I was yesterday, in my case. If you thought I was high yesterday, God, wait until you see me today. This far as Whitaker eye is going to be all the way down by 630. I give zero fuck, Jack. But it's crazy.

Like, then you do what you got to do. For me, listen, I always have a good day if I go to the gym. And if I have good numbers at the gym, my dick gets hard. Good numbers in terms of what, like what your workout was? I went to boxing today and my fucking, my thing was 14.5. It's never been 14.5. And the year I've been there. Oh, you're on your whoop or something?

Yeah, my whoop, it's just a strain. It went off the, just because I'm doing, I see the exercises now that I get my heart going. So what I did was I wanted to get my heart at 175 and stay that. Why is that? Because that's what doubles. I should be a 150, but I want to improve my cardiac intake. so I go to 175 and keep it over 20 minutes. It's like a long pace, you know, so that's what I did.

That's my best day. I stop. I get a fucking freshly made juice. I go home, I take the garbage out. I do whatever errands my wife needs for me to do. Sometimes I got to go food shopping. Sometimes I got to go to fucking CVS and get 18, you know, I got to do shit at the house too. That's not bad.

I mean, after like 3 o'clock, if I go home and I'm like, Mercy's home. my wife is home I'm home the cat's home and I got two bags of weed where are we going just chicken and a biscuit upstairs I got those cookies last week old school chicken

chicken and a biscuit and you put that cancer cheese on it I should be getting a lump on my neck any fucking day now tremendous it was so fucking good George you know and that listen you have a home I have a computer there I have one two three four TVs

five you can watch TV any way you want old TVs, new I got the TV I bought with Terry in 2001 in my bedroom fuck yeah bro that's the first TV we brought together the fuck you don't throw that shit out

that's the first thing we ever bought together took a year they got a new TV 250 I went to one of those gigs up north on the way back I stopped at one of those outwork The TV weighs 800 pounds

Eight people need to carry this fucking thing But dog, it still works That motherfucker still works And it still looks good Yeah, you just can't get The other thing on it Sound? No, I got fucking sound, you, Momo

The other thing, you know What? Yeah, I can't get that What is it called? Roku Oh, okay I can't get Roku on it But I have Netflix on it And I got HBO on it

Yeah, Netflix is on the remote, so. But I find comfort. I got a punching bag in my garage. I got kettlebells. I got a fucking thing that you connect music now, and it's louder than fuck. So I go in the garage at night, I hit the bag,

fucking Boblangengist just sent me a great book about Rodney Dangerfield. I went to like the second chapter. I got to call him tomorrow and thank them. I'm getting back into reading, so it's different. I don't want to be around a lot of people. You know,

I'm still haven't been to New York to do comedy. It's been five fucking years. Why not? It's just, that thing going over the bridge just scares me anymore. The tunnel, I don't know, I don't know. Maybe someday I'll break the fucking, we could probably make it over there tonight and do Aaron's show, but you're in no shape.

No, I wonder why. Look at the shape of you, Cucksucker. But like I said, I got nothing this week. I got, they're all guest spots. If I do anything, I've been writing. I'm really excited about the 27. I'm really excited about

Philly on the 17th. Then July will figure out what the fuck they got. I'm trying to get a little bar about my house. Something close to my house. You know? It has to be something. It has to be like 20 minutes from my house to most.

I could go to once a week, bring a comedian down, pay him, and do 30 minutes. You know what it would be cool? Like if there's a copy, shop or something that's closed, usually at night. Yeah, but I want people to drink. I don't want people to drink coffee. What is this?

What is this? I want people to feel loose. I want people to be able to get an appetizer if they want. It doesn't, I don't want this bar that's huge with like a hole in the wall so people could hear the, no, like a side room in the back, like what you're telling me at your buddies, Cafe Tivoli, I just not making the hour drive. I'm not making the hour drive. That's never going to happen. So, yeah, I'm on. Dog, at least I'm honest. At least I'm fucking honest. That's why, if I'm going to make the hour drive,

I might as well go to a comedy club. You see what I'm saying? Right. So it's 10 minutes by my house. Somebody, like the brass rail has an upstairs. But then people got to go down those stairs and fall. And that's what scares me. Or you have to throw somebody out and they fall.

Or my fat ass falls. You know, so this is why I don't want. I want something that has a little back room, 85 people. It's nice. Give me a waiter or a waitress. Give them a limited appetizer. Let's do it right.

Sound. And we could start building something little by little. But I don't want to do 800 seeds. No, no, no, no, no. I don't know that shit. Just like what Willie Barcena had in Los Angeles. It was upstairs of a Mexican restaurant. And every Monday had 20 people there that would go off

and eat, drink margaritas and tacos. And we did it every Monday. I would go up there and do it. 10 o'clock show. that's what I'm looking for. So if I could get my hand on something like that, that would take a big chunk of my responsibilities happen. But I had a definite place to perform once a week.

The hour, the 25 minutes, that shit ain't going to work. I want something in my neighborhood, you know what I'm saying? So. But that's it and that's that. It's been another interesting episode, a New Testament. I don't know what happened to lead today. You know what I'm saying? What do you know what happened?

All I saw was little claw hand. What happened? All I saw was little claw hand. I have no idea. You came in here. Here's two of these. Two of what? The 200 ABX?

Yeah, because I told you I was only, we were going to shock the system. Why? Because you've been fucking around going to surprise parties for 70-year-olds and shit. And eating with Jews that don't know nothing on a Saturday night.

I had a party for my mom and her family. And eating bagels and shit. God damn it from New Hampshire. This is, you know, it's just bad. It's just very bad. So we had a shockier system tonight. Hopefully when you get home tonight, you go down the stairs

and get a nice, decent, real bagel to get your back on track. And that's it. I don't know what to tell you, motherfuckers, anymore. We will have 10 guests next week, and we'll be back. Lee gave you his... What do you give me the evil eye for?

I'm not. You look like Netanyahu after the attack yesterday. Oh, Jesus, yes. Yeah, then Yahoo's going off again. Oh, he is? Yeah, that's it. They did something yesterday by the airport.

So, you know, he's giving them a thousand. The Hoochies. The Moochies or something. Those motherfuckers. Until I bump into one of you Hoochie motherfuckers, you know what I'm saying? Shooting down chips and shit. They're the same people that killed Tom Hanks in that movie, right? The Houdies?

The one about the fucking, when they stole the boat, the African with no teeth. Anyway, who gives the fuck? The New Testament. be back next week. We love you. Stay black. Uncle Joey here. Listen, every once in a while you need a little boost in the bedroom. Like media on night. It was like 15 seconds and I blew a casket. You know what I'm saying? Blue Chew is the OG brand offering chewable tablets for better sex and it's now better than ever. Trust me what I'm telling you. Introducing Blue Chew Max, which combines the acting of ingredients of Viagra, Cialis,

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