The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - Best of THE CHURCH! Vol. #2 | JOEY DIAZ & LEE SYATT | The Early Days

Episode Date: June 12, 2023

Clips taken from the following Church Episodes: 170 - https://youtu.be/mzgrb_EBlXg #196 - https://youtu.be/uq4OLVTS_3I #239 - https://youtu.be/n8DI-rEiUAo #241 - https://youtu.be/sjyvDHY672c #247 - https://youtu.be/xhEGGAmw-I8  The Mind Of Joey Diaz is on PATREON: http://bit.ly/TheMindOfJoeyDiaz #JoeyDiaz #LeeSyatt #Madflavor #UncleJoeysJoint #TheJoint #TheChurch

on the commitment level, on different levels of acting and stand-up. And, you know, for some people, this is a flash in the pan. And you'll see them three years later, and they don't even do this no more. They're doing something completely different now because this was too hard, or this is for faggots, or you've got to be gay to be in Hollywood. You know, you don't need comics of coming fucking gone? And you see them years later, are you still out there? And they make a little, yeah, I'm still out here, bitch, doing nothing.

In the sun, lifting fucking kettlebells. Well, you're out here sweating your fucking life off. I got insurance. I got a fucking pension. I wasn't supposed to have things like that. You heard my fucking story. You know what I'm saying? So, I don't know.

Yeah, I understand what you're coming from. I don't give a fuck if you get the heat. No. And there's some solid people out here. Oh, and it's not the people, but maybe it's because I... I've met a lot of people that aren't in the entertainment business that are very solid. Oh, yeah. When I go to town, like Whittier and all those places to do comedy, I meet some fucking solid people.

Do they have L.A. pride? Like, I'm just coming from... Yeah. Boston and stuff. I always... Like when it comes to the... But then again, you know, when you go to a Laker game, it's more to be seen. That's what people understand about out here. But that's going on with the Knicks, too. God forbid, you don't have the first three rows in the nick game

and people can't see you on TV and you're drinking a beer. And you're cheering and you're young. You know, I never saw what that's all about. I'd rather stay home. I'd rather be on some fucking... I'd rather be on a fucking couch with you, smoking a joint beefling you and talking about stupidity, about a podcast or something. And that's been the way with me constantly. It's really surprising when people go,

I want to go into the green room. I want to hang with you guys after a show. Listen, since I've known Rogan, I don't do nothing. They used to go to strip clubs, and then as the years that progressed, they go to a bar, then we go back to the hotel, and then you start doing less and less things, you know? There's no fucking party here.

It's amazing how... I said that in Tempe. We were sitting there after the show, and everyone was just quiet in the room, and like, after the show, you're hungry, I was like, eh. And he just all went back to our rooms.

And I was like, this is, like, I thought it was going to be a big party and, and, and, and, hang out at 5 in the morning. The comedy show. Yeah. That's the fucking party. That the party is doing the show and then going home. Like I said, a thousand times, for years, I would consider those things real party. And after a comedy show, I'd go party.

And guess what? By Saturday night, you're paying $22 to come see me, and I'm sucking. Yeah. I'm sucking because I'm tired. My fucking mind's not straight. And that's what happened to me for fucking years, man. What do you think? People just get funny?

No, they put all the elements together. Maybe they were funny and they couldn't put a joke together. Maybe I could put a joke together, but the dedication of my commitment. Yeah, there's so many things. Then comes a point where one day you get sick and tired of being sick and dying, and you put five of the seven elements together and you move a little forward. Yeah, and that's what you helped me do. That's what we did.

Do you understand me? but that's the whole thing of it. And that's with boxing. That's what happened with Robbie Lawler. He's been around for 12 fucking years, knocked the motherfuckers' guy out, getting beat up, getting submitted. Comes back to the UFC,

the guy's got a fire in his eye. Okay, he just lost the last fight for a championship round. But he's 32 years old. He's not going anywhere. He learned from that fight. He learned the same way how when Johnny Hendricks lost to GSP. He learned. I'm sorry, I'm using the MMA thing,

but you learn. You learn as you go across. And even if you lose trying something, now you know when you attack it again, you know what to look out for. You know, there's people that try to escape from Cuba all the time. And maybe the fucking float won't last past 50 miles. Now they've got to go back to the drawing.

We've got to wear more glue or more this. You know, guys, you know, you're not going to get everything the first time. And I learned today, I was thinking about it today, how big experience was. Because when I got home, I was thinking about it. I didn't really panic when this happened. the biggest thing I complained about those jobs I had

but the big like you learn that stuff is going to happen and if you freak out if you if you overreact it hurts you on what level on at least for me if I overreact and I start

getting worked up and I start playing with everything I'm not going to see like when you lose something at your house I always went around and you pull everything apart you throw everything around you're sick You're like, you relax. You breathe and you retrace your steps and you'll find your fucking keys. It's amazing.

I do it, especially even with cell phones. Oh, yeah. Cell phones, I walked out of cars and go, what the fuck? I left my cell phone right there. It really is amazing. So, you know, people want to try shit and it doesn't succeed. It takes years to be a good comic. The way it takes years to be a good fighter, it takes years to be a good writer.

But that's the thing, like you probably, even when you were sucking 15 years ago, You learn something at one show that comes up now and you're like, oh, I'm not going to be freaked out about the answer. Yeah, no, no, no. I remember being in Jacksonville, Florida. Going on into the audience and seeing, I used to judge the audience. I used to judge the fucking audience, and it used to judge me in that bomb. So do you understand me?

I go out there, and I go, look at all the people with white hair. They're not going to like my material. I just lost. I just got hit with the big. as punch, which is I lost before I even went on there. Yeah. And then I go, I won't look at them. And it was just so many things, and I would eat shit because I wouldn't do my material.

I'd speed through the joke. I wouldn't take my time. And now I see old people. You saw what happened in Tempe? Yeah. Those old people that were there. And I went out there and saw them, and I go, I'm going to pull it back. And I go, fuck no.

I'm going to open up this motherfuckman vow. Because you could always close the vow, but you can't open it. once you, you follow him saying to you? It's like acting when you go to an audition and you walk in. Sometimes if you go in and the character's loud and you go in the first time, he's going to get mad to the director because you're not loud

enough or you're not, your energy isn't that high. Okay. I can't do nothing with you. If your energy is high coming in, I can push it backwards. Yeah. But if you're not, you follow the state of mind we're talking about the late night, Churchill's what's happening now Monday, April 21st.

Where's Tony Bennettcock, Suck? Tony Bennett tonight? What happened? You're slipping. This is what I'm talking about. Where is it? It's coming. Hold on. It's coming. It's supposed to be fucking lined up and prepared. I'm sorry. We came up late today, the audio, but who the fuck? I'm not sorry. Shit happens. I hope you motherfucker stayed up. Monday is Monday. We got to midnight to put this together. I'm still going to fire you up. You're still going to go out there on Tuesday and want to stab a motherfucker in the neck. It's the church with the Jew. Where's the water? What's up, cock suckers?

You're home? You're going to kick that up a little bit? Okay, fine. What the fuck? You got me over here like I'm deaf. You're going to eat the rest of that candy? You're going to throw away. You'll leave it there for the ends.

I'll leave it. Any other shit to eat here? We've got nothing easier no more. I'll bring you something strong. Oh, good. We got Ed Juarez calling. Nice. He hasn't called him.

Oh, I love Ed Suarez. Two, see how he doesn't. What's going on? What's going on, wait? Turn that shit off. What's going on, my brother? I already lit a candle for the old lady. I put some glasses of water out.

You know me. I get it done out of the fucking way. What's going on with you, my brother? Just fucking... And I know we've talked about this a lot, but the weight thing for me is it's always been there. Like, I've never... What'd you do with that pot roast?

I know you ate that. No, it's in my car. I was gone now. Yeah. You might as you dump it because your car's... Well, no, because... So here's... It's...

I have... I think everyone has their addiction sort of thing. And for me, I think part of it's an addiction. I think most of it's laziness, honestly. But ever, ever since, like, you and Terry, it must just get to a point after a bunch of years where you don't go out as much. But ever since I started going out,

I put the weight back on and I just, luckily, I have, I think the thing that some people don't have, like when you go on TV and you see, like, to a thousand pound person, is I luckily, when I get to a certain point, I'm like, okay, I got to bring this back. Trust me. I shouldn't let it get to this point, but it's...

Luckily, I feel like I have that in my brain where I don't think I could get to a thousand pounds. I probably could, but it's just... So I've been working on that. I've talked to people about joining a gym. I would love to get a bike, but the people around here are crazy, so I don't know what I'm going to do. I talk to... I just start with walking. It all starts with...

Because it's not going to go to, if you can't walk, you're not going to go to a gym. If you don't walk, you're not going to go to the fucking gym. Just trust me. If you can't get yourself to walk, what's going to get you to get you in a car to drive to a fucking gym to be around people who look like David and Goliath to fucking work out? Yeah. You've got to start walking. And I tell them to say anything. I haven't been pushing you.

I'll tell you to go for a walk. The last too much. What have I been? No, and it's, it's an easy thing of the world. I don't get what the fuck about what's going on or who you've been. You get out of here at 9 o'clock. The car ain't going nowhere. Walk to the 10th planet. Go read the fucking wall and walk back. That's it. This isn't hard. Today with my bad knee. I was sitting there. I wrote. I emailed. I'm sitting there. I'm like, what the fuck am I going to do?

I sat outside. I tried to write a joke. I'm like, what the fuck am I going to do? I went upstairs. I took two fucking baby aspirants. It was about 12, 15. I went downstairs. I rotated my knees in all directions. I did these hip things. I fucking stressed a little bit. And I said, fuck it. You know, the knee's going to hurt whether or not I work out or not. Yeah. I might as well work it out a little bit.

I'm not going to jump fucking ladders and be Johnny Gumba. But I'm going to work get the blood going. I did 10 sets of swings, and I did fucking five sets or six sets of cleaning jerks. It got nice and sweaty. Took me 35 minutes. I picked up a 45, and then 35 walked 50 yards and 50 yards back, and I put the weights in the car. And I was done for the day.

Yeah. And I don't. You know what? I didn't eat sugar today. You know, I ate that fucking chocolate bar, and I ate two of those things with 10 calories apiece. I don't drink soda no more. I was telling my wife that. The only way not to give your child to stop your child from drinking soda is by not drinking soda in front of them. It's crazy.

And I'll tell you what, I love North Bergen. I love where I'm from. I love a majority of people I grew up, but I knew something that always killed me. There's something that kills me about people. There's two things. I can't tolerate white trash. I can't tolerate the mind thought, the mindset of white trash. They grow up, they get a job, and they play the handout, and they don't even play the handout.

You know, I was surrounded by white trash in North Bergen. Good people, you know, I'm not saying nothing bad about them. Good, God-faring Americans, you know. That's not it. but I always felt that their dreams were too small. In fact, I don't think they had fucking dreams. I see that more now than I'm out here. I didn't see it when I was saying.

You see what I'm saying to you? And that bothered the fuck out of me. I call white trash to people a person who doesn't have a dream. Somebody who comes up to me and says, guess what? The Almond brothers are at Atlantic City. You know, we're going to party out. And I look at them, and I see how excited they get.

It brings pain to my heart. Yeah. it brings that much pain to my heart, you know, that little, like the Allman brothers aren't even together no more. Like that, I think they're retired, but not even, like the original band. Right. You know, it's like you were talking to me before about Pink Floyd. Like 18 people have hit me up already. And so are you excited about Pink Floyd?

You want me to tell the truth? Not at all. I haven't even fucking thought about it. I don't give a fuck. You know, I really don't give a fuck if they put a new album out or not. Will I buy it? Who the fuck knows? I might put it on.

But I don't want to see that stuff. It's like you were saying to me, do you want to go see Aerosmith and Slash at the Coliseum or whatever? Are you fucking crazy? Are you fucking crazy? You know, I saw Aerosmith when Aerosmith was Aerosmith, and they were never even Aerosmith. Because anybody who knows,

when you went to see Aerosmith, went to heroin, they were horrendously bad. You paid to see this band. It was a superpower. And they were horrendously bad because of the drugs. And I don't know how they are now. You know, nobody's going to pay $55 for a ticket. The concerts sucked.

Yeah. Do you know what I'm saying? It's against their whole thing. They're not going to pay $100, especially now. A concert's $300. They're not going to come back and go, oh, man, that sucked. No, they're going to come back. But back to the white trash thing, I always felt they had no dreams.

Like even in high school, you'd say, what's going on? Norton, man, I can't wait from my father to get me this job in this warehouse. I'm going to get $18 an hour, and that was it. And they don't go on vacation. They never leave New Jersey. They wouldn't even dream of fucking leaving New Jersey, that little core that they belong to. They get excited about the weirdest fucking things.

In my hometown, North Bergen, there's, you know, at this point now, there's maybe four fucking bars that these young kids could go to, you know. But who gets a fuck? You're 10 minutes away from the greatest city in the world. I mean, that's the advantage of being from North Bergen, New Jersey. But you get people from North Bergen that on Friday night will go to the fucking Moose Club.

And this is like a bunch of people that are all built like I am. They're as big as I am. And they go down there and they talk about high school football and blah, blah, blah, and they're stuck in that time warp. Yeah. Like, that's the white trash. I'm talking about that they're stuck in this fucking time warp of their mind, that there's no dreaming, there's no nothing.

They just coexist with life. that works for a lot of people that wasn't going to work for me are you jealous at all because I have some I never had a huge I had a couple friends in high school but not like a group of like six or seven I'll go on Facebook now

and I'll see that they're still hanging out and then at parties and I hated all of them I don't want to be there but like maybe 10% of me is jealous that they still like hang out and most of me thinks it's stupid but part of me is like

I was like oh that'd be nice to still have friends from the high school but I talk to one kid from high school that's it. I'm very lonely. But I'm very lonely because I want to be. I'm very lonely at times because I want to be. Do you follow me?

Yeah. In my mind, those kids I grew up with, that was the best it got for me. That was the best it would ever be for me. And I never tried to duplicate that. Even hanging out with comedians, if I hung out with four comedians, the top-notch comedians in the country, they wouldn't give me as much humor as, I did when I grew up with those guys

and I know there's going in because they're not trying. They worked on timing. Everything was based on timing. It was life. They reacted to life and they were very funny about doing it. I can't take back

half those things. I'm not glamorizing that life or living in the past. But those type of friends I grew up with enough that'll never happen again. I love you and you're a good kid. I know what you're saying.

And I like the Agostina on it. I just know that it was a different situation and it required a different type of friendship. The cops are never going to come knock on your door and go, where's Joey? And you're going to giggle in their face and get the fuck out of my face and slam the door. That's never going to happen in this lifetime. Yeah. Three people are going to knock on your door and say, where's your buddy Joey D is he robbed me? You know, and you're going to go, I haven't seen him in two weeks.

Fuck you! If we don't have our money, we're going to beat the fuck out of you two in three days. That takes a certain type of friend. somebody would say, fuck you, I'll tell you where he is right now. Yeah. These motherfuckers are like,

you said what? You better fucking choose your words fucking wisely. Wow. You better choose your fucking words wisely. You're not going to do shit to me. Do you know, it was different,

it was a different time. Yeah. But I'm very lonely, you know, in that aspect because I could go to the Hollywood improv and goof around with a bunch of people.

At the end of the week, who gives a fuck? Right. You know, I could go to the comedy store and again, ha, ha, ha, ha, my God, that's such a funny joke. Who gives a fuck? When I get in my car, you're going to talk about how I do blow and how, you know, whatever the fuck, mind fuck you may give yourself for why not you're achieving your goals and why not you're doing what the fuck you're doing. So it was just really weird. I just, he asked me when I found out, and I knew a year after my mother died, I was getting the fuck out of that.

And it wasn't because I hated the people or, you know, like I said, white trash to me, a people. that you see him and you know that you're gonna see him in 30 years and nothing changed and they're happy they're happy about it I always wanted more yeah I always wanted a challenge every day you know I want to get challenged every day when I wake up in the morning I want a different type of day you know people hit me up all the time they hit us up all the time hey man we have a song for the church guess what take your fucking song and shove it up your fucking ass I don't want to hear your fucking song I'm gonna you why because if you know anything about me I can't do the same shit twice

every day so Why would I want to hear your fucking song every fucking day? I appreciate that you took the time and writing it, and I love you to death, but push your fucking magic elsewhere, cock sucker. You know, last night some dude was trying to get me to play Warren Zvon. Did you see that conversation? No, you told me about that. He's like, yeah, can you play, my buddy shot himself this week?

Can you play Warren Zvon? Listen to the first three fucking words of this song. I got to tell you something, I would have shot myself too. I would have shot myself in the fucking head if I had to listen to that shit. the other one you hate at the band of the past? He said if you try him on a party. I fucking hate that dude. That's the dude that every party you go to some guys like,

let's put on a Zappelin. Oh, no, no, no, let's put on. I forget what the fucking guy's made. I forget who was, but you hated him too. He sounds like he's taking a shit all the time. He's America's sweetheart. They all love him, you know. The Gentile nation.

You know, anybody who wears the fucking the hat with Sinatra to the side, they all fucking love that guy. You know, fuck you. I'll put. fuck anything on compares to that shit every day that guy that sounds like he's taking a shit Rick Ramos likes him

Oh really? Well yeah Rick Ramos used to try to turn me out to him I heard him when then I called Rick or Rick you're not fucking serious You're not fucking serious are you The fuck is that guy's name If someone tweet at me if you remember I forget What the fuck is that guy's name? I can't stand that shit Yeah my buddy died Can you play this song? Get the fuck that no one that he died

I fucking died too And he's like, well, if you can't play that song, you can play this song. Well, I'm not going to play that fucking song either. Tom Waits. Tom Waits. Oh, Jesus Christ. Thank you, Inject Truth. That is the fucking worst.

That shit is the fucking worst garbage I have ever listened to my life. That is the fucking worst. At least that white trash, North Bergen, don't listen to. At least the people I grew up listened to real fucking music. You weren't allowed to fake the funk. Like, you were not. Not allowed to fake the funk at all and come up with like to be cute in front of some girl. You know what I'm saying?

Yeah. Oh, no, no. You know, put on Springsteen. Like, you never heard that shit for somebody would stab you in the fucking neck. There's a Sabbath house cocksucker. Get your shit together. Oh, my God. But it was, uh...

It's just weird. Like, to see those type of people that you just knew. And I loved them. I'm not saying nothing bad about them. That was their prerogative. But they're going to settle, and I just didn't want to settle me. You know? Yeah.

Was that your mindset behind leaving, or was your mindset? Yeah, I just, I've always wanted, I don't, it probably was, but maybe I'm not smart enough to realize it yet, because it's still, it's still only a few years ago. It moved fastly. I know. And I always thought, I'll tell you this, I always started to be New York. Even after I was out here for a few months interning, and then I went back, I thought I'd be in New York.

And then I had a job in L.A., and I just, I came out, and now it was. now it's home, but I always thought it would be New York. You know, and I always hated that also that other mind, that other small-minded thing about the guy. You know, like the guy, like a mayor, like the mayor of North Bergen, he's a fucking putts. You know, I know him when he was like an assistant principal, one of that Lincoln school, the guy's a fucking putts.

But if you go to North Bergen, now the guy walks in the room, people, like, oh, I never had respect for that mindset either. Yeah. Fuck that motherfucker. That bitch puts his little pants on one leg at a time. That's why I can never be like, I saw Julia Serving, I saw Richard Gere when I was a kid. I didn't give a fuck.

You know, I would go up to him and shake the hell. Like, I didn't say nothing to Richard Gier at a club. And Julia Serving was my fucking idol, pretty much growing up. Because if your alarm goes off, they're going to be there. If you shoot somebody in the bar, they're going to be there and clean it up first. What happened here? This guy pulled the gun. Lee, you sure, you put a fake gun in his hand?

Boom, call the cops. you paid. Now what's going to happen is, but every once in one of those guys go, they retire, and you get a young guy who thinks he's slick, and he'll come in one night and throw a beat normally, and then say how he wants this much money, and then come in there, once a month, get a couple drinks on the house,

embarrass my mom, and embarrass the customers. What the fuck do you do? You go to the other guys and you talk to him, And you move him, you got cops like that. In the 60s and 70s, something would always happen with those fucking cops. Really? Yeah, when I was a kid, something would always happen with those cops. Because you had people that just wanted to do business.

And they wanted to keep it low-key. They just wanted to put their kids through college. And they'd help you off. They really did help you out. Like I said, if somebody broke your glass, they were there first. They'd have somebody that had bought up your glass. if your alarm went off and some hump down the corner's alarm went off

they came to your alarm. Some people at home disagreeing with me now. But I'm telling you what I saw as a young man where the etiquette was in the 60s and the 70s. Do you ever see like a business say no? Or did your mom ever say no? I know that there were some businesses that probably said no.

I don't know what happened to them. Whatever. I know that also if the ABC was out checking IDs or whatever. These city cops came in and told you their schedule. Also, if the DEA was in town, shaking down Spanish bars, these city cops told you your schedule. When the DEA comes to town, they have to stay at a hotel. They don't stay at it.

They stay at a fancy hotel, and they put it under the DEA credit card. People at the hotel that work at the hotel get the word out. The DEA is in town. That's it. Everybody knows to close up shop, to slow down a little bit. These cops would help you out. So if somebody was watching your bar, they'd tell you. Somebody's watching your bar.

This is a full-time coverage. I don't know how it is now. There's drugs involved. There's crack involved. There's weapons involved. I don't know. I really don't know. I'm away from that.

I don't know how to think. Because in movies, those cops are always like the bad cops. They're always crooked. But the way you describe it, cops don't make that much money. And it's not really running the business. Everybody in life gets jaded at their job. Yeah. Some people are listening to this right now going,

Joey, we don't, I would you want you to hear the other side of this. No matter what type of job you do, you're a working fucking stiff till the end. I'm a working stiff. Lee would have been a working stiff as an editor. You know, you've got promoted finally as an editor. And you're still 28th. And when do you retire? 65.

So unless you open up your own business, you're a fucking working stiff. 40 years, yeah. So for 40 years, you're a working stiff, okay? Now, I don't know if this becomes the same for cops. I'm going to break it down for you guys and break, you know, everybody here at some point, and 38 goes, what the fuck am I doing? I just saw a bill by mistake. They pay me $15 an hour.

They charge $55 for me. And I'm only getting $15. And yeah, $15 goes to insurance and state taxes, but they're still getting $25 for me for labor-wise. I'm making $15 an hour. And this is what I'll do till I'm fucking $65. You know, whatever. Everybody gets jaded at their work.

Somebody gets a promotion. You find out some idiot makes more than. you. You know, my wife is a fucking hard worker. My wife doesn't believe in theft. When she was a waitress, you know, she didn't want to work at the store no more. Then she went to fucking Starbucks.

I would talk to my wife. My wife is such a Gentile. She doesn't believe in theft. Everything is by the fucking penny. You know, the other day she found that the chiropractic has clipped us for $65. She goes, I read somewhere that all medical bills are off. They're all wrong.

You should go through them. I was off of my insurance. She went through all my bills, found out that I was over. Called my insurance, got my insurance bump to level one. My wife is a fucking hawk when it comes to this. She works, she works, she worked, boom, she got pregnant one day. Ten years on the job. They paid for a pregnancy.

She wasn't doing nothing. She fucking was a slim Jim Magoo. That bitch cried for a week, but she went to work after eight weeks. She went to work, and she drove home with her tits leaking, you know, from the milk, and she'd feed mercy, and, you know, I would see the anguish in her face, and I pleaded with her to quit, and she told me she couldn't quit. And about three weeks later, she came home one day, and she said that they gave her a raise.

They gave her like a 1.3% raise. And she was never so embarrassed in her life, that she's outworked three of the fucking people, and then they took the girl, that's the baby's godmother, and she had been there for 10, 12 years, 15 years. And instead of hiring her, they got somebody from the outside. And she started thinking about how You know these people really don't give a fuck

That's why I got into comedy and blah blah blah And I was very smart And that was part of it I was jaded I didn't want to work for people no more I was sick and tired I didn't want to be there nine to fucking five You know

And I saw my wife get jaded And she goes I'm quitting Then she didn't do it for like two months And then she started going back part time And after three days she came home And she goes I can't do it no more I hate those fucking people. Same thing happens when you're a cop.

Same thing happens when you truly believe in your heart that you're helping people. You really believe in your heart that you're helping people. And all of a sudden, you help somebody, you call an ambulance and they get up and try to shoot you. You go to these houses, these people don't give a fuck about you because you're a cop. You're always the enemy, no matter what they tell you.

I grew up believing in police officers. I really did. I grew up believing, and I still do. Even as a criminal? Even as a criminal. I still believe in police officers. I still believe that they do good. But then again, you're going to get guys that are jaded.

And then since they work long hours, they get jaded in their personal lives. Their wives leave them. You know, most of these cops have a few marriages. They get drunk. They don't tell. I can't come home and tell you. I come home at night. What did you do today?

I shot a movie with Dean Kane. What did you guys do? Well, today's, we got chased by a dog. We ran up the stairs and chased the dog. And then we ran down and they chased us. And there's another scene where he puts a string out and we both jump over and we both fall. I can't tell my wife that I saved the kid in the dumpster today.

And the kid was half burnt. And this is an awesome I tend to do drugs. Also when I arrest somebody one day and they have three baggies of meth, but I only turn in two of them. And I do a little bit of it. You know, God knows what an officer's mind is thinking. Yeah.

I'm not sticking up for the guy who shot the 12-year-old in Cleveland. No. I'm not sticking up for hands up. I'm not sticking up for Ferguson. I'm just telling you that before we accuse, we have to think of both sides about it. And I hate to get into these conversations because there always be critics of this. But it's true. Yeah.

Fucking true. I was on both sides and I was very lucky. I never drew on a cop. You never take a gun out? I was never that fucking crazy. Right. I didn't have that much of a death wish. For years, I thought I did, but I really didn't.

And a lot of fucked-up shit could happen. I drive home under 10. I drive home under 101 Lee. So do you. How many times you go to fucking Compton? You're a white kid in Compton. Right? For a year, you drove to a fucking bad neighbor.

You're coming home one night. They say, pull this guy over. He's here for drug activity. Yeah? They pull you out of a fucking car. Where's the drugs? I'm not here for drugs, they smack you. When you go home, how are you going to feel about the cops?

Yeah, you're going to hate them. You're going to steal, feel, believe. Not hate them, but you're going to believe in them anymore. Are you ever going to doubt? You know, it's just we get jaded in so many different fucking levels, but. Yeah. So I just had a cousin who had to quit being a social worker because he'd done it for like two years,

and he was just like, I can't do it anymore. Every week there's a new kid who gets beat up, or it just, it was terrible. I mean, all you can do is live your life the right way and pray to God you never get accused of something wrongly and pray to God you're not at the wrong place at the wrong fucking time, right? So how's the movie going, by the way? The movie is, first off, I didn't want to do this fucking movie.

I had the worst attitude about it because what they do is they do sag low-budget movies. They give you a little taste to the back end and you get limited visibility you go on ABC family or ion or something like that the first one I gave my blood on this I fell down

that was the beginnings of my pains when I started hurting my knee and shit first one if you watch it I'm 400 pounds Oh no Easy and I'm falling on the floor I'm running upstairs And then like the second and third one You know we were talking about something

I had that I don't like doing a lot of shit once I do it a few times I move on you know and I always thought I wanted to move on from this when they called this time I had a date in Chicago but I had another movie that had called and then they ended up pushing that back

till March or something so I got stuck with this you know I didn't want to do it and they were fucked they'd been great the whole time one day that the air conditioning broke on the trailer the second day but besides that this is what I do be and I enjoy breaking me

my year up. I enjoy. I'm very fortunate that I don't have to go on the road every week and I carry my fucking luggage and be in Philly right now. You know, be in some place that's going to get snow and get caught there on Sunday. I've worked for that. You know, and I like that I get lucky from time to time and somebody

calls me and for a week, I just avoid doing stand-up. I don't even think about it. You don't miss it? No, I went on state Saturday night. Oh, okay. But I didn't have to sure I miss it, but it's great to know I don't have to do it. that for a week I could just go home and go to sleep and just do this movie. Do you think maybe your stand-up would get better from taking a little bit of time off?

Everything needs a week off. Everything always could use a week off from time to time. I'm not saying all the fucking time, but everything. A hook ain't going to fall asleep sucking your dicker. She's doing a good job, you know what I'm saying? She's working at a fucking jaw. Her whole head's involved. Her eyes are blinking.

It's a bad situation. Lisa, don't look at me like I'm fucked up. Have you ever had a hook or fall asleep on you? No, I'm just saying. What the fuck? I never had a fucking hookah fall asleep on me. You know, I had one of hookah experience, and that was that I bailed on that fucking hang hooker experience.

So what are you doing with Christmas? We were going to try to do a podcast at 6 o'clock, Christmas Eve, Wednesday, just to fulfill what we do for you people. And we started thinking about it. I got to tell you something. If we do a podcast at 6, I mean it's 9 in the East Coast. I got to be honest with you people. If you guys are watching this podcast, Christmas Eve,

at 9 o'clock on the East Coast, you got problems. It's time for your fucking look deep within you. You know, and I know some people get lonely and some people need to laugh or whatever, but no, I don't want you people doing this. I want you people going out and enjoying touching people. Get the fuck out of the house. Get the fuck off the fucking computer.

Go, get out. Get some fucking air, you fucks. Smell something, smell some ass. Go do something. No, sitting in because I'm depressed because my grandfather got hit by a truck. I'm just dating. Who gives a fuck?

Fuck grandpa. He left you to the fucking car. That's all that matters. You're alive and kick and get out there, breathe. That's all I ask you. So, Lee and I decide we'll do it early. So maybe you can watch it Wednesday at lunchtime. If you're on the East Coast, sit, smoke a fucking number.

Maybe listen to Led Zeppelin 3. Dig with me and Lee got the same. Maybe we'll get a guest. Maybe we'll have my boy call. I got the U, the second part. I watched a part of it. I deviarded and I got it at the house. Both times I've deviated.

yard it like last time I did you art it was fucking women's volleyball I almost killed somebody today uh but no it's is Christmas Eve important to you because for my entire childhood I went to this Italian family's house for Christmas Eve and then now run with your family your dad my dad worked with him and we

went every year that a guy dressed up a sin every year it was great um and then Italian food and now Paula her her mom and her cousin uh Christmas Eve is more important than Christmas Day I I just don't I don't know anything about it So they do presents of Christmas Eve.

They do tamales. I don't know. I'm Jewish. It doesn't really matter. So you went over to this guy, these people's house Christmas Eve. Every year. Yeah. And then what did you guys do?

You go home and stare at each other? There's no tree at your fucking house because you're Jewish? I'm Jewish. We had Hanukkah. So there's no fucking gifts when you went back to your house? No, they all give. Oh my God. They gave us so many gifts.

They're like a richer Italian family. We went home with more gifts than we got at Hanukkah sometimes. they loved us it was great it was a shout out if you're on the on the east coast of the Lombardoes they have a nightclub and stuff but it's actually where my bar mitzvah was

but no it was great I um I was always a little bit jealous of Christmas like I went my cousin his ex-wife is Christian and I went over there once when the kids were really young and the kids fell asleep on the floor

under the Christmas street like in the middle of opening their presents because they just had like so many presents they just couldn't handle it and I was a little be jealous. Because I, my parents were well off when I was growing up. I had a bunch of presents at Hanukkah.

But it's still probably two presents a night, maybe three presents a night. Which adds up. I don't know. It adds up to be a lot. Jesus Christ. No, but I'm just saying underneath the tree. It's fucking Jews. You spoil each other, aren't you?

Fuck yeah. Well, it's not always like PS4s. It's like a small thing. When you're a kid. A pair of socks, a t-shirt, your favorite pajamas. Yeah. G.I. Joe's hat. Yeah.

You know, maybe G. You know, you know, it wants a. Yonika. He wants to Yomaca? What the fuck he wears? You know, what does it mean? I mean, what does

Christmas Eve mean? I don't know. What does it mean? You're raised that it means that you go somewhere with your family or good friends. In case you don't have a family, and you get together and you maybe exchange gifts. You maybe don't. Maybe three years are broke.

It's a tough time a year, but everybody understands. It's not about the present. It's just that feeling. You know, you're reading, you know. I've had the best Christmases when I've been broke, the best Christmas evening. Really? And I've had good Christmases when I had money, a shitty one, because you didn't do nothing with it, you know?

How long did it take you to, like, start celebrating after your mom passed away? Well, I just remember coming from Cuba, but I remember, I'm not going to sit here and say, I remember my first Christmas, I thought you. I remember a Christmas, like, after when I was, like, six or seven. I was maybe six, and I still believe. believed in Santa Claus and they took me to the bar which I never had gone to those days a lot I would go maybe once a month in those days and when I got back the gifts were under the tree and it was they were all with me anybody who could have done that it was a fucking trick so even

though my friends told me there was no Santa Claus I was like you guys don't know maybe you guys are just dumb motherfuckers Cuban Santa Claus there's a Cuban Santa Claus that showed up in my house So that was the only Christmas I really cherished That I really believed You still remember it? Yeah, I remember that particular one It was on 205 West Dady 8th Street

They moved the dinner table And they put the tree against that wall And I still remember how those lights Used to flash against that wall You know, I still remember how important Christmas was to my mother And it's also the 7th of January That's one of the three kings

So on that date you get cash So the Cuban Christmas This runs basically from the 17th to the 7th. Very ironically, you guys have heard me talk about St. Laudan, did I talk about this the other day? That that whole Cuban thing happened on St. Lazaro's birthday. I was so high, I don't think so. Well, yeah, that whole Cuban thing happened

on St. Lazaro's birthday. That's why it's very important. Cubans, I was goofing with John Salamity that, my buddy. He said that he was calling people the last week so and he wasn't getting a response from people for business and I said John you're 45 years old tell me you're not that fucking stupid Gentiles don't they give up after the fucking 15th It's done white people done and I don't blame you you know black people are broke they don't give a fuck You know it ain't over till it's fucking over but white people have a list you know gentiles have a list

And they plan it out they're going to Nick's house and they're going to give Nick and a kiss under the fucking green tree whatever the fuck that is A mistletoe. A mistletoe. What the fuck it is. You should have a little nugget. Yeah. You know, and they just plan all this shit out.

You know, so, you know, when you're a savage, you just go by, what are we talking about anyway? Well, I think you're talking about, like, Christmas is. Yeah, so. The Cuban stuff. So after the 15th, people are dead. People are brain dead. You're not going to answer your phone. You don't take on new projects.

It's like, I need eight days, and I'm out of here. I'm just killing eight days. I'm killing files. I'm stapling shit. I'm cleaning my desk. You know, you just, you don't want to do nothing. So if you're really trying to, like, there's people today that are like, hey man,

I'm still talking about a movie. It's dead, guy. Business is dead as of last fucking Thursday or something. Yeah. So for Cubans, it starts the 17th. After the 17th, you can't get a Cuban focus. Because the 24th is debt. They start on the 20th.

And they get a couple pigs And they fucking marinate them First they keep them alive for like two days And they feed them And they make sure they shit everything out They fucking feed them and make sure they're insides around I don't know how they do it I'll be hearing about this as a child

Then they stabbed a little pig Then they open them up Then they fucking stab them on Then they rub moho on them Every like hour and the hour For like 22 fucking hours While they're drinking, do them blow And you have shifts

and once the 24th comes that pig is fucking ready to go his ears are crispy and shit they got like two of them his eyeballs are still in there nice got the little red glaze on them they taste like a maritino cherry and shit that one of those dive bars

were talking about the eyeballs sure oh yeah you said you ate a pig up and as you bite into the pupil fucking shoots out like a fucking rape seed tremendously but you don't like cotton in your mouth no I don't like cotton in my mouth

I don't mind a chick pissing in my mouth either but that's a complete different part party. So, uh, fucking, what we're talking about? I'm stoned. Christmas, me too. I just did that with you. Anti-Dolores is getting debt. Debt.

If you live close to the anti-Dolores store, she sent me a box, and I got to tell you, I've been stoned for the last three weeks. And that's just like regular stone. Like deep, deep, fucking stone. I knew today was going to be bad because you call me like three or four times, and each time your voice got a little quiet. The last time was, leave. We're going to fuck.

Dog, I'm fucked up. I just ate 2.30. Oh, my God. I was looking to get stoned. Had to run some errands this afternoon. I knew they were going to be a pain in the fucking ass. I had to go sit and catch ear beatings by two fucking people, so I knew I just had to...

And I couldn't be stones for them. I couldn't. I had to give them to respect them. I love that that's an errand to go catch an Airbnb. Oh. To drive, to know that you got to catch an earbeen. First, I lost my parking spot. already pissed off. You understand me? I'm not

bothering nobody. If I do kettlebells, all I got to do is pull them out of the trunk. I'm right there. I've got to walk to my house. Why don't you just put the kettlebells in the road? No one's going to steal kettlebells. I don't want road. Like, in your spot? I can't do that.

You stab people's tires. What's the difference? I can't put kettlebells. People run them over. They'll ruin their insides and shit. And they'll ask who's kettlebells on and I lose the kettlebells. I like my kettlebells. Leave the kettlebells alone. All right. I'm sorry.

you bought them with the fucking Calabels. So, you know, you have that Christmas Eve, which is family. You have Christmas Day, and you sit around and watch football and eat the leftovers. And that's, it's considered a holiday. Between you and I, do I give a fuck?

Do I? I don't give a fuck. It's just a day off that you're wasting my time. I can be getting some Guitous. It's all about the Benjamin. This is every Jews that are own pissed because these fucking Gentiles are sitting around eating. They can be flipping a fucking buck,

but they don't say nothing. They go to Long Island, they do what the fuck they need to do. They take care, they mow the long, whatever the fuck they do. But that's what it means. Is it important? I think about my darkest time when I spent Christmas Eve and a friend's on Christmas Day at a fucking bar, watching football, make them believe I was having a good time.

Was I miserable? Inside, I was broken inside, you know? I mean, but you bear with them. I've said it here before on the show, and the best Christmas as I had, was 87 when I was locked up. Oh, yeah, you were saying that with the eighth people. Because I thought it was going to be bad. And it turned out to be fantastic.

A bunch of guys giggling, laughing. You know, were we smoking, dope, and drinking now? We knew what we stood. We were just happy to be doing that because when you go to prison, they tell you they're not going to do nothing. Yeah. Everybody else is eating fucking shit in their room.

Here we were in a room with fucking shrimp and meatloaf and fucking guacamole and tamales and fucking burrito. There's too many flags in that kitchen, though. Yeah, it's fucking tremendously. It was just too much. I remember going back to my little bunker into my room and going, what the fuck was that? Yeah.

So when you expect a bad Christmas, if you put a little effort into it, it might become a good fucking Christmas. I've had Christmases if I didn't have a dollar in my fucking pocket. I had gel from my hair, and I went to somebody's house and played it off. And they're like, hey, man, we got an extra wallet for you for Christmas.

And it just warms your heart And it gives you a new outlook So I'm stay in the fucking house Christmas day That's my whole thing Christmas could be Christmas is what you make of it If you stay in you're gonna be bummed out about Christmas Yeah

Even people tell you they hate Christmas And don't call the house I'm gonna stay alone and watch movies You're sitting in like a fucking moron, you know? Yeah It's about people It's about going out in Mingling and saying hello And you know what

It's that one time of a fucking year Do it for that Who gives a fuck about a 4th of July people blowing firecrackers and shooting guns. Nobody's shooting guns, Christmas fucking Eve, you know? I should have done that.

I'm terrible at going out. Not Christmas, but two of my saddest New Year's, I'm pretty sure I was in Boston, maybe one was out here. I know definitely one was in Boston, and I had nothing to do, like no friends asked me hang out or something, and I was watching the Three Stooges marathon

on the AMC, just laying on my couch on my side. Christmas or New Year? New Year's. New Year's. New Year's completely different than Christmas. But it's like, Two different fucking holidays. Two different hush.

You don't have to do. I, uh, you know, maybe he's pissed, whatever, and I'm dealing with. I go, you know, when in time, he won't be pissed. So I give him a present Christmas Eve. Now when we're there Christmas Eve, I noticed my cousin, the female, is sitting with the kids outside. My cousin's okay. But I could tell there's always something on with it. She's got a fucking husband, a boyfriend that's a cop, and there's always something going on.

It's right. I finally couldn't take him. I went on. I go, you know, Marta, I could. I came up here to be with you. You're sitting the fuck out of here with the... You know, come on in. Talk worse. And I go, eat something.

And she's like, well, I might eat with my husband, whatever. My boyfriend, I go, he ain't fucking... He's working. Eat something. We're here. You know, we're right in front of you. It's like when you go to get a restaurant somewhere, you go to eat, pick up your order.

And there's a fucking person taking your order right in front of you. Put that motherfucker on hold. There's a live body with cash in front of you. Right. That's the guy you talked to first. There's the guy with cash in front of you. Fuck who's on the phone. If he cared about his food, he'd get his fucking fat ass down here.

The truth, okay? Fuck that motherfucker. When you're doing customer service, you deal with who's in front of you. Right. Fuck that homo on the fucking phone. I don't give a fuck about him and his lunch order. Probably wants hummus or some fucking fucked up shit anyway. So that's the way I go, Marty, you're here with your fucking brothers, your dad, your mom is here.

And we're all in the kitchen eating and you're, you know. So she got mad at me because I said that. I go, fuck him. Come in here with us. And she got pissed off. And we hung out for another hour and a half. I had a good time with the baby and my cousins. You sure, were playing music and the kids.

And we were laughing. My cousin's wife. And on the way, I'd go, good night. And my uncle, like, raises his hand. Like, fuck you. And my cousin raises his other hand. Like, fuck you, you know. All right, I get in the car.

Whatever, I called them both the next day and thanked them. Nobody called me back. And then last Thursday was the baby's birthday. I didn't say nothing. And I get up the next one I said my cousin wrote something on Facebook. But that was it. I called it back to thank you for acknowledging. Never called me back. I called it back that night. Never called me back.

I didn't even think about it until yesterday, or that yesterday, Saturday morning before the improv that, oh, my God, my cousin, my uncle, who's pretty tight with the baby, didn't call. And I go, you know what? I'll tell you, in my world, I might have a problem with you, Lee, but I'm still going to give Paul her Christmas present. Right. You know, whatever's born on between me and you, that, put that aside. It's her. It's about her.

Why don't fucking mind not going to be friends with her? Because you want to be a fucking Momo. I go, you know what, man? This guy has no idea that I've never, ever, ever, ever in my life wanted to kill somebody as bad as I wanted to kill my uncle for what he did to me in 1984.

You ever watch two fighters fight, and then after the fight, they beat the fuck out of each other and they're bleeding? Like, what's his name? Cotcheck. You know, he's got a glass fucking eye. You think when he sees GSP He wants to hug him and jump up and down Yeah, they fought and yeah You gotta act like a fucking civilized

So people don't talk about you But deep down on the side He's got a fucking glass eye He hates GSP That's how I feel Yeah Like we never resolved that situation Of what the fuck he was thinking

I was a 21 year old kid You know My circuitry was all fucked up Lee You know I had dropped my faith in society I had dropped my faith in religion. I was done. I was done late.

So I go, you know what? I know who will help me out. I know who'll be cool with me, my uncle. He was always there for me growing up. You know, I wasn't the best of person at the time. But it doesn't matter, man. Family's got to take you in, you know. He didn't pick me up at the airport.

He didn't answer his phone for days. I finally had to go to the restaurant and hunting down. I remember sleeping out in front of the restaurant spending the whole night. sitting on fucking, whatever, Western Boulevard, whatever that, this Vermont Boulevard and all the way in hell down there. And sleeping and finding his restaurant with a duffel bag.

Getting up in the morning, the restaurant, oh, me calling his house, spending quarters. In those days, every time the answer machine picked up, you lost the 30 cents. Oh, no. Or the 25 cents. You know, it was a fucking nightmare, manly. Finally shows up like a three with some fucking chubby Mexican chick

with a smile on his face. He's like, oh, you showed up. oh, well, I can't sleep, but you can't sleep in my house, but you can sleep upstairs. He puts me in this liquor room with the smell of mice and rats, and, you know, and then he started telling me things that I really didn't need to know at that age, like things about my mother and drugs

and how my mother got high when I was inside of her and just shit that you don't tell somebody. And I'm like, what the fuck are you talking about, you know? Right. And telling me that I would never amount to anything because of the bloodline I came from. And I'm like, this is fucking cruel. Are Hispanic parents a little bit more...

I don't know if it's straightforward or cruel than, like, white parents are? I don't want to say white, but... That world was a little bit more... They were more reality. I've noticed it. It's not that they're mean. That, I mean, that sounds terrible.

But it's... Like, they don't pull punches. Like, white parents would never say some of the stuff I've seen. So he told... I didn't know this until after I made up with him. Yeah. Because his kids told me the story. They're like, when you came to town that time, he called the house.

He wasn't living without us then. But he kept calling the house telling us not to answer the phone if you called. You know, like, this is my uncle. This is my blood. You know, if I was not thinking about this, I apologized to him 25 years later for my behavior. But he's never taken me aside and say, hey, man, I was out of line that weekend, too, by the things I said to you. You know, that you wouldn't amount to me. nothing that I mean when I got on that plane after we drew guns on each other and I got on

that fucking plane to Jersey you know once the smoke cleared I got furiously I had I realized what it had done to me I was furiously I think I'm one of the testicle testaments I talk about I used to calling from prison yeah I'm gonna kill you to what my pouta and hang up on it I mean this was going back till fucking I out here I was kind of scared and then I looked them up once when I first moved in with Terry Terry had a yellow page and I looked up the bar and I saw it was open and I called him from Terry's phone and the number had a machine to it so I knew he still had the bar and I was talking to Marilyn Martinez one day like oh myrown

where's Vermont and she goes it's right there in Hollywood why and I go my uncle has a bar at this number and she goes hold on now has David and David her husband was black you know he was from Crenshaw and she goes yeah yeah there's a bar down there a Mexican bar it's still that's my uncle and I remember going you know what if I fail here I'm the way out of town I'm gonna go and hit him with a fucking two by four hit him and I was dead seriously I was pissed but Lee you get older you know and you listen to people and people always say to forgive and it's like I forgive but I never forgot I never really forgot them and sometimes I'm meeting with him and I want to bring it up like dog what the fuck were you thinking you know at that

time he had cheated on his wife with some chick and then cheated on that chick with another chick and gotten her pregnant the third chick the third chick and the kid's around today and the poor kid you know because of his behavior the poor kid you could see the kid's fucked up too because the mother didn't want the mother dropped them off one day and said I don't want this fucking kid Oh, no. You know, because it was like she was a jolted lover. You're not going to be with me. I don't want this fucking kid.

I want the kid who were going to be together type deal. Can you imagine that? No. So that's the hell he lives in, you know, and I explained to my wife yesterday. My wife told me, she goes, you know what? I didn't really understand the severity of what he had done to you until yesterday. It was horridly, horrid, like how I went home after three days. And then I tried to lash out.

tried to lash out and rob him and take a gun out on him because I couldn't take what he was saying to me anymore. What if he said it now? Like, what if he had said it at this age? Would it have affected you as much? No, because I'm confident in who I am. I already know who the fuck I am. At that age, my dad had died at three. My mom had died at 16.

I had an idea. I wasn't fucking stupid. You know what I'm saying? Right. But he said things. I remember out working. And he's like, so what do you want to be a bartender? He goes, that's as far as you ever get.

He goes, if you're lucky, you might make a good bartender. I can't see you doing anything else. I said, well, I might want to go to school and be a lawyer. He goes, you can't be a lawyer when you're a criminal. It's not in your blood type. I mean, he just was saying, and at first I was like that girl that's insecure that talks to a pimp, and a pimp tells her, and I was like, this guy's fucking crazy. He doesn't know anything about me.

I'm on Coke, and I had a bad run of life, and I'm going to, get this, you know, and I left there. And the whole point of getting, I think in 84, the whole point of getting out of that fucking rocket ship was to get my shit together. I go put a bullet in his fucking head. That was the plan the whole time. But then over

Do you think any of it is, he was just trying to motivate you? Like, did anything motivate you at all? Not at all. There's a way, there's a way to motivate people, there's a way to talk to somebody with love. There's a way to talk to somebody fucked up and then reel him back with love. He just talked to me, fucked up.

There was no love. There was nothing. You know. Sometimes your dad would go, Lee, you got to do this. You know, and you feel bad. And he goes, I'm telling you this. I'm going to be a dad. I love you. And on the way to the car, you go, you know what? I can't because he's talking to me from the heart. This guy said nothing from the heart. The only thing he threw at me from the heart was hate and this anger and this, you know, resentment. And then the other thing that was more of that story, my mother had given him money. This is what really shocked me because I was fucked up on drugs. It was five years later. But my mother had given him time. of money before she died. I don't know what the terms were or whatever. So I thought when I come out of it, he'd go, hey man, your mom gave me money before she died. She gave me 20,000.

He's five. Get your life together. I wouldn't have complained, Lee. I wouldn't have said anything. He didn't even make that effort, you know. So it was just a, it was just a fucked up time. I'm going to, you know, I got to talk about revenge. I love revenge. I've always loved. When Ari first called me with the fucking story, I thought about when I was a kid one night, this buddy of mine got hit, and the guy was a lot older than him. We were probably 16, 17,

and this guy was in his 20s. I remember him from being, like, a freshman in high school. He was a lot older than I was, and he was always a cunt. But he dated a friend, like a girl that I knew, and she was young. Like, she was like a sophomore, and he was like a sophomore in college, probably, you know?

We were probably juniors in high school And this guy hit a friend of mine And I go, bro, it would be my honor Let's get back at this guy Regardless of whatever comes back from it Right And we set up this thing And the guy came out

We hit him with a whiffleball bat With rocks in it Oh We got a ruff ball bat We cut it and we put rocks in it And then you put a big rock at the end So the rocks don't come out You throw a little dirt in that motherfucker

And that motherfucker You have no idea how hard A whiffball bat hurts When it's at the rocks It would probably hurt empty. It burns empty. It burns empty.

You get hit with a riverball about 15 times in the neck or somewhere the skin's exposed. I just imagine on the back. But with rocks in it? Oh my God. And that was my favorite revenge story.

I've always daydreamed up about revenge. I don't think I ever, the only thing I ever did was this freaking asshole in high school was pushing me around. He was younger than I was,

but he was bigger because I was small. and one day he was messing with me in the gym locker room. I don't remember exactly what he was doing, but I had enough. I think I was like a junior or a senior, and I just slammed him against some lockers. And we started, it was like the only real fight I've ever been in. I don't think any punches were even thrown. I just remember slamming his head against some lockers.

And I got suspended for a day, but I was so, my mom wasn't even mad. I was so happy. It was the only time I ever did it. You stuck up for yourself. It's weird that people think revenge is, like for me, Revenge isn't just about that. It's like when, like, somebody will go, hey, man, fucking, you know, somebody will say to me, you know what, you should make me your partner. I don't really think Lee's a good partner for you.

And I go, okay. And then the podcast won an award. And I'll see that person. Go, come here for the second. That's revenge to me. Yeah. That was always my big revenge. I feel that way now for, like, people who are mean to me in high school.

And I go on a Facebook and they're still working at the high school job. which is fine but a little bit I feel like yeah take that bitch yeah like a couple of them have hit me up like they come out to L.A. And they're like we should hang out. I'm like we were never friends in high school

why am I going to drive all the way to Los Feliz to see you now? Fucking no parking right. You know revenge like for me with my ex-wife I really want but I knew that if I stuck around and did well that would hurt her more

you know she wanted me to either end up dead disappear or go to prison because that would never have contact right with them again but I kept out and for me that was my revenge was succeeding at something so revenge is also something like that you know somebody fires you and says you're fucking an idiot really I'm gonna go over to your competitor and watch what I do over there