The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - Biggie Smalls on a see-saw

Episode Date: November 11, 2025

Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt talk their trip to Washington D.C., how America has ruined life for the family of four, the sports gambling scandals and much more! Plus, Joey breaks down one of the best gifts he's ever received. SHOW NOTES Download the DraftKings Sportsbook app now. Play $5 & get 300 in Bonus Bets if you win with code JOEY F*%k your khakis and get The Perfect Jean 15% off with the code CHURCH15 at http://theperfectjean.nyc/CHURCH15 Support the show & save up to $600 on a Hydrow Rower at http://hydrow.com/diaz  

Kick this motherfucker, Neil Lee. What's happened, beautiful people? I'm here with my trusted fucking Cato. Lee Sciatico. I'm your uncle Joe, and we're here for another fun-filled episode of the church of what's happening now. The New Testament, it's November 11th.

How many Mondays left to Christmas? Not enough. Not enough. Get your shit together. What's up, dog? Good to see you, dude. It's been a fun weekend, Lee. I just saw you Saturday.

I know. I thought you were missing an action. It was something like that. What are you missing in action? You were fucked up Saturday night. Yeah, you give me edibles and then you put me on stage. I gave you a little cue. You went on stage.

I was fine. We had it. Then we got 20 amps. I think those edibles leak with you. Something's going on with your liver or something. Oh, thanks. Because they hit you up later on. Well,

it makes you feel better than Joey. I think your liver's fucked up. No, something is wrong because you ate the edible you were high. Everybody thought you were high. And then you ate dinner. And next thing you know, you're walking around in circles. Well, I had a 20 ounce rib eye.

It was fucking a lot of food. And the french fries. Oh, I didn't have that many french fries. And the macaroni and cheese. Well, you're acting, first of all, like, you didn't eat any of that. Like, you had the cauliflower steak with a salad. You ordered everything. I ate, like, three fries.

They were on your side of the table, by the way. Yeah, but I ate two fries. Yeah, yeah, yeah, two fries. The fucking mashed potatoes were this small. The fucking, everything was this small. I'm like, well, who's going to eat this shit? I'm like, it was good. It was good.

It was fun. After the show. Listen, D.C. is very nice. I want to thank the fucking M.G. grand for having us, you know, it was a great night. Big fucking place. Yeah. Holy shit.

I got into walking. I'm like, nah. Nah, that's okay. I woke up that morning and went to smoke pot outside and there was no chairs. That's a nightmare. The sunshine and you're out there standing. It's like 10 minutes you don't want to stand though. That's why you just sit on the curb?

No, you can't sit on the fucking curb. There ain't no curb. No, there's no, oh, I didn't, I spent zero a second. You got to like go on the wall. It's a metal wall. An ant bit me. I hope to Jesus. Shit like that.

You know what I'm saying? I almost didn't make the show. I know you. I almost didn't make it because I was staying around the corner because it was a busy weekend at the casino. And listen, I'm not a cheap person, but the Ubers were 20 minutes away and were 40 bucks for like a 15 minute. And it was going to take me the last time to just walk there.

So I just fucking walked, which I would never would have done back in L.A. at 300. One of the, the hardest you laughed at me is when you saw me walking with Steve Simone and Jimmy Schubert. when the COVID just started. You were walking. You were crooked. Yeah, it was being dragged.

You were this way and you're buying. You were walking like the guy in young Frankenstein. I'm like, what is that? It's Lee being forced to walk. And he fucking went home and slept eight hours after that. Oh, fuck that. I kept calling him, where is he? Out.

Like they destroyed his insides and shit like that. When I walked to the casino, it was great, a real fun show. You know who was great at this casino? I don't know the staff was really great. Staff is always great. They were all, and they usually are, but this one specifically was, there was a security guard up by the, by the green room that was super cool.

It was just great. It was a lot of fun. You know who we, I got to meet John Rollo. I had never met him. He called in, like, early, early podcast, like when we were doing it at six in the morning. I don't think I ever met him.

I'm almost positive. I never came to Baltimore with you. Good white dude. He owns, he runs that school ground control in Baltimore and stuff. I've known Rallo for a long fucking time and that dude's as big as can be and the reason why him and I chimed together

because I remember sitting at a table with a bunch of big dudes and fighters and we were talking about cats and one of the fighters said Joey shut the fuck up talking about cats and John Raleigh goes well I got six of them too we got a problem and it was fucking classic

it was classic and then he was telling me he choked out a guy at Giant Stadium during a Baltimore Giant Games the guy kept yak and he put his arm around him, just put him to sleep and sat him down. It was fucking hilarious. So I've known John for a long fucking time. Listen, it was just a good time all around.

You know, the ride was brutal. That's one thing. On the way down there, dog, I forgot, and I trained that day, and I got in that car, and I only got out of car to pee for 10 minutes. I didn't move. I just got out of car. Becky went to the bathroom,

and I go, I don't even have enough energy to go in there. My dick is going to pee on my seat. So I just peed by the truck. She got back. She didn't even know I peed. She goes, did you go to bathroom? Oh, yeah. Yeah, I walked in behind you.

I was going to talk. I don't know why you didn't listen to me. But the way back was quick, you know. Oh, good. But you know, man, a lot of weird shit going on. I mean, thank God we didn't have to get on a plane this weekend. Oh, I know. Dog, how long have I been talking about planes for or not to get on them no more?

Years. And people don't want to listen. And now they got to listen because now it's over. It's over. Listen, first of all, it's never going to be the way it was when we were fucking doing our thing. You think it's going to be like that anymore?

And it already wasn't good. I remember my parents talk about like they're being like meals on like a plain-flict coach. How could it possibly get worse? It's just over the years. People got greedier. They put an extra seat. They cut the leg room and they don't give a fight.

Listen, it's like any other business right now that's running, they just don't give a fuck about you. You have to assume. At one point, like they don't fucking take care of me. This is not. You know, when you're on a plane, I want you to get up and look behind you at one point.

Look what it looks like. It looks like a bunch of fucking idiots sitting there, like waiting for something. And it's like, that's not the way it used to be. They allowed you to get up and mingle and fucking, there was a bar in the middle. So at least you had an excuse to get up. If this guy and the idiot didn't want to fart,

you could just sit in the end seat and get up and move. That's not. Think about the whole, it's not even, and I'm not bitching. This is 35 years of flying on the go. This isn't some guy that just flies once a year and I'm here to lay my fucking voice down. And I've seen it, you know, I mean. You got to switch to Amtrak. They have the cafe car.

They have booze. It's not, there's no TSA. I can't sleep on air either. You can't sleep on planes. It don't matter. Three hours is the most. Can you imagine jiggling. And you don't know.

A guy's going to stop for a red light. I got enough problems with a fucking train. For a red light, that train's going to obliterate that motherfucker. Yeah, but then again, I'm in the train shaking up and down. I saw the fugitive. I saw how the fucking thing goes down, you know. I'm talking about flying lead, you know, like, what the fuck happened?

But then again, you got to ask yourself, what the fuck happened about a lot of things? What the fuck happened? I seen a picture of Big Mac. That motherfucker's a white Castleburger. I didn't see it live, but somebody put a picture up on the internet on Facebook and they're like,

what happened to the Big Mac? And they looked at it in 1995 and the Big Mac today, talk, I went to a place today that I love and admire them. They make fresh juices there, and they're delicious. But let me tell you some. Every time you get one of those juices, it's 11 bucks.

Yeah. 11.50. Everything's 11 dollars. And I mean, it's like a regular, freshly squeezed juice, but it's fresh. They got the camelope. They got the watermelon.

It's good. I went there today. They changed the bottles on you. The bottles are a little smaller. But everybody's doing that. Go to your favorite restaurant and get a salad. It's not a salad bowl anymore. It's a salad dish.

What's that? It's an salad octave. It's a salad octave. What's that shape? That's just a little slant. It's not a, it's not really a bowl. Octagon? Not a fucking octagon.

I don't know. It was a salad octave? Aftergone, there's a bunch of different fucking things. I'm talking about when there's just a little dip. That's what, I got soup there at a place, but I go to all the time. They left the soup bowl the same size, but they took two inches off of water. Damn. Do you talk, do you ask them about it?

Oh, I don't, I just don't go back. Everyone's doing it. You just don't go back. They try to trick you. The boxes of cheeseits now. Huh? Cheezits are my fucking shit. Cheeses.

Cheeseets. The crackers, the boxes are like. little mini, like you can fit them in your pocket now. And they, they, they call it shrinkflation. And they're still making things more expensive. But they make it tinier. So you have to, so you have to buy like three of them. You know, the American public is getting their ass kicked.

At a daily fucking basis. So this Thanksgiving, the average plane ticket to travel is $750. So if you got a family of four, that's three grand. At least. You don't know when you're going to take off? and you don't know when you land. You might make it to grandmas? Or you might not.

Can you imagine? I give you $3,000. And that's to sit in the back and smell funny. The foreigners and shit like that and convicts. Okay? And fat people. Yeah? In the back that don't want to pay for the middle seat

or front or whatever the fuck they do. You're back there sniffing all that shit for $3,000 and you don't even know if you're going to make it there. And that's what the press is. me about the whole thing. And that's why I tell people before, why would you throw, it's like me going on stage with no material.

Like just taking off a year and going on stage at the garden, expecting to kill. What do you think is going to be different? I don't want to, I don't want to, I don't want to ever do anything on a percentage basis. Think about it. Do you want to fool it?

If tomorrow something happens, you got to fly, go see your dad in Florida. You know, it's an emergency. He's getting old, right? Now you can't even count on that no more. Can't count on it. I don't even know. know if I'm making it there, but that old man fucking dies by the time I get there.

Even private. Even private, they're not taking off, I heard. No, no, no, no. So it's not like you can even get around it. No, you better get the roller skates on and fucking whatever or mind your business. The train. I had a friend of mine last week that I hate, he goes, what do you think? And I go, listen, what's weighing on this?

And he goes, my kids are going to be fine. It's wedding. And now they want us to stay Sunday for the primary room. I go, do it on Zoom. Zoom works for a long fucking time. Now people forgot about Zoom. Go back to Zoom. We're not going to make...

This week is Skank Fest. Okay. And they're a little worried. Yeah. They're a little fucking worried. I mean, we have a mutual friend. They got on the plane yesterday and Little Rock Arkansas,

8 in the morning, and didn't make it back to New Jersey to fucking 2 o'clock this afternoon. And that's a reality of doing comics so right now, I'm expecting, like, this weekend for them to be a lot of calls, switching comments. I'm surprised I haven't gotten a call yet.

Would I be interested in doing early shows somewhere? Because people are not going to make it this weekend. The flights are getting cut up to 10%. And then they pick back up again now that Congress is back. Let's hope they come back. They come back. And Congress ain't, listen, they ain't moving fast. No, I wouldn't.

They get paid no matter what. What about the EBT people? Do they get their food down? I think they did in November. They got it. It took them a while to get it. And it's not even, like, most of them get, like, two, 300 a month. It's not like they're getting $10,000.

Like, they're getting barely enough. But Lee, 300 to them is like $3,000. Oh, I know. And they need it, but I'm just saying, like, people were so upset about it. Imagine, like, you could, if your family had $300 a month on food, you couldn't go grocery shopping for $300 a month. But it's a supplement. It's $300 a month plus what you're getting on the side.

But if I'm counting on that, you're, For food. I mean, you're not looking at that EBT money. I don't think you can spend it on clothes, right? I mean, I don't know. No, it's just food stuff. I don't know. I don't know. So it's not like you're going to buy a fucking Armani suit with the five

that they give you. You know, so what I'm trying to say is with the prices of shit the way they are. Think about it. Fucking 100 bucks in the supermarket gets you seven items. If you're lucky. Eight items. And one of them is a six-pack or something. And look what that six-pack was a year ago.

Look where it is today. Milk is 549 now. A year and a half ago it was 3.49 or two years ago when we moved here, it was 349. Now it's 5.49. I think if you go to Walmart, it's $5.00. You go and buy milk? No, but my wife tells me all this. I would love to see you in a grocery store.

I do. I go to shop right. I go to shop right, but I don't have a starting price. All right. Because I don't know what really goes on. I just know that when I pick up stuff, I go, hmm. Things that make you say, oh, like things that, you know, things that a while ago were different. I went to Cheesecake Factory

last week for lunch. You love Cheesecake Factory. Go once a week. I go once a week. I get my little chicken tortilla soup sandwich. I know exactly what I'm getting. And guess what else I get? The chicken enchiladas. Okay. Delicious with rice and black beans.

Delicious. Nobody bothers me. I know exact one. And I got my fucking iced tea with extra lemon. I get that brown bread. Yeah. The pumpkin nickel there is stronger than debt. You dip it in the fucking, uh, in the chicken tortilla soup. Forget about it. But my point was, the guy next to me was,

was a white guy with a, you know, and I was listening to him. And he was asking the prices of alcohol, you know? Yeah. And I was listening. And I kept going, wow. He asked him for a classic margarita, the classic one. Not even with the iguave and the guantro. 20?

1799. Yeah. 1799 guys I know you like the cheesecake factory that place has turned into Morton's place I'm not concerned with the cheesecake I'm not the cheesecake factor I'm talking about

I'm talking about that fucking cocktail I'm talking about that if you dump your fiancé and you take a girl out next week you're going to spend average of 45 if she drinks three martinis Oh that's low

And that's average That's 15 of glass right there. My point is that it's 1799 for a fucking margarita. Now, I hadn't had a margarita a long time. I had a dog. Last time I drank margaritas, there were $4.50, and that was the top shelf for that place in Boulder. What decade was this?

1990. And when I left Boulder in 1995, there was a place called south of the border or something like that. cross something. They had a three margarita limit at night and a two margarita limit for lunch. The margaritas for lunch with dollar margaritas. They were this small

because they made them with white grain alcohol. And you didn't even taste it. That's 140 proof of fucking a drink. You get fucked up. And for six months, I would go in there every Sunday with a girl. We try to roofie each other and drink the fucking margaritas from there

and get fucked up. We take a roofie and get fucking. Fuck up. Drink three of those. You would take a roofie? Fuck yeah. Why wait for somebody to dose me? Get the party's tongue on your own.

I wanted to see what everybody was talking about. What does a roofie feel like? Do you like it? Yeah, oh, it's great. I'll do them again if I can find them. But you can't ask somebody. Where can I buy those? Because I'll think you're a freak.

Right. You want for yourself. You want the same chemical that's in Ro-Hip-Nall. I think that's what it's called. Ro-Hip-N-Hin-L-H-Hon. So, yeah, he used to rue for me. We used to rue for each other. Jesus.

That's romantic. That, bro, that's the way to do it. Fuck these little guys that go on to, you know, do you even know if you hooked up or would you just wake up next to each other? You just wake up next to each other. I'd look to see if she was naked and I was naked. And there was splatter, blood splatter, fucking juice splatter. Oh, my God.

So I knew something happened. The room smelled funny. You know what I'm saying? Oh, I love that. I love the women who smells. They still have good deals in New York. There's a place they do comedy. They have a four for 20 shots.

and the little fucking mini, like, tiny little, like, plastic cups, but it's four for, and people come in quick. It's in Greenwich Village, and they get four for 20, and they're in and out in three shots. Shots? Yeah. What kind of shots? Any shot you want.

They have one with gummy bears in it. But it's the fucking well-shot. Probably, yeah. Yeah. What do you bother me for? $17 for a fucking margarita. I ate my lunch and I'm like $17 fucking Again, I'm not cheap.

But if I had two of those, that's $36 bucks. You're not cheap, but it really, like, why does it upset you so much for someone else is paying for someone who's not buying a margarita? Because I'm not worried about me. I'm worried about the kid in college that wants to take his girlfriend. I worry about George and his ex-wife

and their two daughters when they wanted to go do something. I'm not worrying about me. George always invites me to the young. Yankee tickets. You know why I don't go? Because you don't like walking? No. You know why I don't really go to any of those fucking games?

Right. Because they've destroyed the American family. The Yankees, the Boston Red Sox, all these teams that pride themselves and all this shit have not overlooked their greediness and the ticket prices to look at the fucking family of four in this country. Whenever I think of anything,

I think of the family. Listen, when we go to fucking that, Cuban place. It's five steaks and everything with it for 125 bucks. That's the family of four. Because you take a steak out, two appetizers, and fucking the sodas, and that's $100 for four people. And that's what it should be, Lee.

I can live with that. That's a fine barter right there. But for a state to be $85 fucking dollars. Oh, I know. Okay? And I know the meat's high, but it ain't that fucking high. For you to justify that. Again, a family of four might get two of those

and split it with the kids. That's 160. You know, I mean, this is the shit I think of. I'm not thinking about me. I'm thinking about... I grew up in fucking... That, that Knickerbock Stadium, whatever they play with that, the garden there?

Yeah. We grew up there. We grew up there. And I'm not talking about... Let's get tickets for December 28th. No, no, no. What are we doing? This ends at fucking 730s.

We could be over there by 8.15. What do you think? Let's get a car. Shoot over. That's what it was. And tickets were subpar. You didn't get killed. Can't do that no more.

That takes half the fun away. You think I want to get tickets for February 11th now? You know how many things could happen by February fucking 11th? And hear you on your casket with two-sixth of tickets? You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying?

Like, it's just, it took away that for me. Like when I really get to think about it, I'm like, wait a second. That's all you see at a ballgame as kids. The games aren't for us. The games aren't for fat 50-year-olds of the jug game. They're for kids. You think so.

Yeah, for fucking kids, man. And that's what else has happened in this country. We've forgotten. That's why those 50-year-olds, it's acceptable to put a Lawrence Taylor jersey on and walk out there, like, looking like a fucking idiot. You look like a fucking idiot. Like, your body doesn't even, it's not even cut out for your body. And they put a sweater under it.

You know, I mean, what the fuck? So what would you do to, like, is there a way to change it or you think it's gone? No. 10 years ago, they raised the price of luggage because the price of gas went up. Maybe it was 10 years ago. I'm not a genius. I'm not a gas price analyst. Maybe it was eight years ago.

go, price has gone down on gas 18 times. Did they give you back your $100 for luggage? Never going to happen. Once they take it, it's very tough for them to give it back. Okay, Lee? It's very tough for them to give it back. It's like if I call you and go, Lee, I got to have a word with you. I really like you, and I like the nights you played at my club,

but we overpaid you by $200. You did 300 shows, so it's time to fucking pay out. You know, like, you follow me, and win the same thing. same fucking realm here. You can't do that. You can't do that now. So everybody, you know, it's like, again, I don't want to, I'm not even going to get into it. But every platform you see that somebody runs, they run on lowering control prices, controlling rent. That's not going to happen. What do you think? You're going to get one of those Abee landlords and say, excuse me, I want you to be a very nice guy and lower your prices from $5,000 a month to $3,000 a month

because we're trying to get rent control, that guy will slam the door in your face like another 99 landlords and property owners will. We already fought so hard to get the price up. And now, like New York prices, oh yeah, yeah, they're going to get slashed. We're going to slash New York prices. You know what's crazy?

It makes more sense for people in New York to keep apartments unrented. Like the rent-controlled apartments, they can only raise rent by X amount of dollars. and if it costs them 100 grand or whatever to update it, there's thousands of apartments that are empty in New York. Yeah, they're right control. And the people, listen, there's the problem in New York,

same problem with a bunch of these places, is that nobody's dying. And they were supposed to be in there for 10 years, and one day they said, I'm going to pay a $3,000 mortgage. I got an 800 apartment in the city. I got a fucking garage. And I got a mouse or two.

but I can live with that. Yeah. I got a mouse or two, and I can live with that. And I'll live here for the rest of my life. My friend still has his rent control department in Hollywood. I think it's up.

He's had it. I moved there 27 years ago. He had it two years before that. And it's like $1,200 in the heart of Hollywood. Oh, his landlord must be pissed. He won't leave it. He'll never give it up. Never.

Why would he? He pays rent by the year. He writes his check by the year. to check by the year. And he goes there three, four times a year, and he has an apartment. If you call him up and go, I'm going to L.A. I go, where are you staying?

I'm staying at my house. I got it right there. It's on. You walk to 7-Eleven. You walk to Santa Monica. It's right there. In the heart of fucking Hollywood. 1,200 a month.

That's amazing. It's not, you know, you're not sitting next to Leo DiCaprio, but it's 1,200 a month in fucking Hollywood. In the heart of Hollywood. So rent control works. But if you don't move out, If you don't evolve into a, you know, I got married, I got four kids, I'm not going to stay in an apartment.

You're going to see with these people, they're going to start staying now, more than they were before. I would. You're not going to lower rents. You're not going to lower rents. Oh, we're going to lower gas car prices. A car in this country is $50,000 average sticker right now. You go look at a fucking used car. I took my car to service last week.

there were two cars just like mine dog I don't even want to tell you what they want they're more expensive than when they were fucking new yeah they're higher than when they were new when I left service the girl hit me up and said hey good to see you again do you want to sell your car because we'll give you a ton of loot

when I go but it got hit we don't give a fuck we don't give a fuck is because like the the tariffs or something they can't they bring the cars in from out of country. Looking for those fucking things. Big time now. You can't get that up.

Because I've heard that from car dealers. Did you sell used or new cars when you were a dealer? Both. I heard you make more money unused. Unused. Why is that? There's no price sticker. You're paying me what I tell you the value of the car is.

You can come in with all your Blue Book value from bullshit. I'm going to fucking break it apart and tell you that the bank does that shit and even then. And then we break it apart. into all the stuff you get, and then you go from there. But the Blue Book value, like, Toyotas hold their values. Right. Nissan doesn't. Lexus does.

There's a couple cars that hold their value. When I say hold their value, listen, it's not an investment. No. Okay? No cars are fucking investment. They depreciate. Okay, you own what appreciates a home, land, property, but you rent or lease what depreciates.

Right. Which is what they tell you to do. now you can't lease a car because it costs just as much as fucking as buying it sure the prices are a fucking unreal I have like another year on my lease. Unreal to lease a fucking car now. Let's see what happens. You know, so I mean it's just a car is a fucking,

I learned early on in 1988 selling cars, that was an education for me because I learned that a car is by the time it hits the fucking the street, it just goes down. And from there it just goes down. and down. And meanwhile, you're sinking money into this thing. And that's why it's smart to be on the three-year plan before the car blows the fuck up.

Yeah, that's why that's why it's right. Before it takes that next level, after that warranties expired, that's when you get rid of the car. America can't do that. But they could have years ago. For 20 years, you could talk because I wasn't making no money in Hollywood. And we kept leasing cars over and over. And the payment wouldn't change. there was no down payment now.

That's gone. All those years. All those years, we were leasing 500 down. We leased the Mitsubishi and all those Toyota Corolla's. And then we started leasing Subaru's, and we just kept going with it. Because I knew. I'm not keeping a car.

Bro, after I'm in a car for three years, go take a look at that car. It smells like ass from the car. It's feet. There's a thousand dents. You fucking spilled. That's why I don't like food in my car. Because that eliminates the stink.

If you put an apple in there and an apple falls under the seat, then you got stink for fucking three months in your car. That's why I don't like food in the car. Like I love soup, but I won't put a soup in my car. I'll eat the soup there. Not hot sour, not nothing. I don't give a fuck. Who's asking you to eat soup while you're driving?

No, no, no. I said it wrong. When I go to a restaurant, I never take soup home to go. You can't even take it to go? No, because it's going to spill. You got to assume it's going to spill unless they give you the right fucking box. Chinese people know how the package fucking soup.

They do it perfectly. Oh, with the cardboard on the bottom, I love that. But if you just get soup and pork fried rice, it's like putting Biggie on one side of the seesaw and putting fucking an HIV person on the other side. Now you get some guy to cut you off. You stop, boom, boom, in the front seat. Oh, yeah.

And now you got soup everywhere. Forget it. Forget it. No soup. Nobody wants soup. But why? Like, I don't understand. I, like, we were talking about the company.

you are an old salesman I think I got ripped off getting an oil change this week like they told me like oh you need the fucking gas tank well like there's something you put in the gas tank some liquid

and like the salesman always fucking I don't know they I think they take every opportunity to rip us off and they like and like I want to go get a suit for my wedding and I want to go get a suit

and they had like a little line on the jacket like down down right here and they go I don't like that. And the guy's like, oh, well, all the suit jackets have that. Like, no, they don't. And they, the suit jackets in that style, maybe even.

Maybe, but even, like, dude, I, I can't tell you, and because you, you were a salesman. I've run into so much either creepy salesman stuff or just people who don't give a fuck when they're trying to sell you. And how much of it, like, when you're spending a lot of money, it feels good to have someone, like, treat you nicely and not try to rip you off at every angle. It's not even just the companies I feel like a lot of these salesmen are trying to rip you off every chance they get

That's how they make money Like would you would they teach you to do that when you were a car guy Like to do like the the warranties When Dice came on the show What do they say? Dice does the fucking Yeah And I don't want to believe does the fucking

But I don't know shit about cars No we don't need to know about cars You need to be prepared You know how to look on the internet And you know how to compare prices online And that's why the car business is in the shitter right now because the consumer got too smart over the last 20 years. When I was selling cars, the consumer was an idiot.

They didn't have to go online and look at the price of their car and what they got and the rebates and what the fuck is going on. That's why with a used car, still today, you still have a shot of making a little fucking profit. Because there's no price on it. A price on a used car is what you'll pay for it. That's the price of a used car. is what you'll pay for it.

That's it. And would you, like, look at somebody but like this guy has a lot of money that'll raise the price on him a little bit? No. No? Okay. Not in my world. Listen, when you want a lot

and you want a used car a lot, every idiot knows this. If a car says $13.99, they own that car for $10. It's like a $4,000 markup. Okay. $4,000 to breathe. Okay.

start hitting them low from the beginning. Ah, hit them high, whatever the fuck you want to do. It's their decision what they want to do. Now, each used car dealership has an average gross per car. So when I was at Boulder Toyota, they average $2,000. That's $500 in my pocket. That means every car I'm selling, I'm gross in $2,000. So if I have $10-2 in the car, I'm selling that car for $122 plus.

Got it. Okay. And that'll get me $500, which is 25% commission. whatever the fuck it was back then. Do you understand? Right. And now when you go on a new car, they have a sticker that comes with the car.

Right. But then they got an addendum. That's rip off. That's not, it's legal, but it's really not. That's a dealer markup for rims. They wax, they're undercarriage. Right. That's bullshit. They jerked off on the car.

They didn't do nothing. So when you go look at a deal, you don't even look at the addendum. You may believe like it's not even there. It's like, I don't even know what you're talking about. Well, man, you'll ask him, just fuck with him. What's the price of the car? They'll look at the addendum and press the bottom of the addendum.

The price is 52-4-4. I just went on Channel 11. They said cars were up to $50,000. How was it an extra $2,900? Right. Well, we added the underbody carriage and the wax and the components so the sun doesn't listen. I didn't ask for all that. So you got to throw that in.

let's start from this number here. And that's where you start bringing out your things. I went to Engle with Clips and they gave me this number because everybody's dropping their pants on the way out. They dropped their pants. So listen, well, how much would I call? 14-199. What's on the sticker?

16-9. What's your best deal? I could do 12-1. He can't do 12-1. He can't do 12-1 because now you're going to take that 12-1 and go to another dealership and get arrested. They can't even do it. the 12-1.

The fucking, the ownership, after they get money back from the dealership, whatever that's called. Right. From the car, like, if you buy an American car, when you buy an American car, they get money back. Ford gives that dealer. Okay. Like a $600 a dollar rebate.

I forget what it's called. There's motherfuckers that'll go in there and go for that. Like, I know you get 600 back, so I want 300 of that. You're like, oh, fuck. But that's what the internet has done. Yeah. It made the consumer smarter. so when you go buy a suit, what's the difference?

You got to be smarter. I did. I left. I fucking left. I went to men's warehouse. Perfect. Much better suit. Yeah, chubby.

Everybody's chubby in there. Yeah, oh, dude. They all smell like hot dogs. It was amazing. There was 20-year-old, the black dude behind the counter listens to the podcast. And then I went in there and got a cuss, like, a brand new, because you sent me in Hollywood. I was thinking about this to that three suits for $300, but like, it, like, lights on fire.

Oh, yeah. It, like, tears apart after one wear. For like $800, I got a suit brand new. Like they measured me because I don't fit in a suit. Well, yeah, yeah. No, listen, it's called Hollywood Suit Outlet. It's on Hollywood Boulevard. Okay.

When you want a front, you know what I'm saying? It's like they say black people go in there and buy a suit and bring it back the next day. After they wear it, it's one of those places. They got the shoes. They got the shirt. You got a belt. You got a belt. You got a shirt, socks.

Listen to me. $299. You get three suits, three belts, three shirts. I think one pair of shoes, I mean, dog. Look, if the shoes ain't going to last more than one night.

If those shoes hit water, like if there's water, they'll disintegrate. If it's a little humid. Okay, the suit is a suit to wear for the night. For the night. Because trust me,

If you put it on two, you're pushing. You're throwing spaghetti against the wall. You might stretch for a fork and it could rip. You know what I'm saying? It's one of those suits. They just disappeared, by the way. Like, I had them for a little bit. Oh, yeah, no.

And then they just, like, I think they evaporated. I bought them for commercial auditions. Because you always got dressed up like a mobster. And I don't want to keep going the same suit. So I went and then got a purple one. Like, you know, like if I was reading for a loud mobster, I got a purple one. I got like a black one.

And then I got like a navy blue one. Because when you go to court, they're like navy blue. That's what I did. And then you just got a matching shirt. You get like, you know, that look when you see people with an orange suit and like a pink shirt, cost you nothing. This is the chance to do it. You don't want to spend $200 for that shirt. You go home and you're like fucking an idiot.

Like a fucking stop sign. You know what I'm saying? So this is the chance to do it. They'll give you the maroon shirt with the fucking, I bought the scarface. When I first got to L.A., they ran a one suit deal for $49. One suit with a pair of socks. And they give you those Italian socks like you're wearing. and father wore with the heel and everything is and them too you put twice the second time you put

on your toes go right to the fucking sock i mean it's that type of place but you got to know your limitations like yeah but men's warehouse in burbank not bad that motherfucker i got a fucking two thousand dollar jacking there for two and a lot oh shit i said making off him my wife said two and a dollar take it do you do you negotiate in places i don't know you could do that places like that Those places around the holidays, they have like a something. Look, bro, you see a jacket that's 4X. Uh-huh. You know what I'm saying?

They want to out that too. It's taking up a lot of days. It's said 10,000 on it. Go talk to them. Listen, I got a chubby friend. He ain't got a winter jacket. What do we need to do to get rid of this right here? What do we need to do?

Well, it says 18. Listen, ain't nobody giving you 1800 for this piece of shit. Okay? When we do a 400, just tell him it disappear and put the 400 in your pocket. And have to settle them. You've got to get them thinking. Put the $400 in your pocket. Yeah, and say you got a shoplift.

Who gives a fuck? That would be great. Yeah. I didn't know you can negotiate. That's a whole brand new. Listen, I don't want you going to shop right and negotiate tomorrow. You're not going to go in there. I can get a gallon of milk at Walmart for $5.

No. No. And the Arabs love all that shit. So when you see an Arab, you're in game territory. You've got to at least drop it on them. You know what I'm saying? Like, hey, you give me that soup for $200? Ah, my friend.

Oh, and I hate wearing suits. Like, nothing fits the right way. That's why I have to go custom for once. No, you have to go cut. You get married, right? This is what you wearing for your wedding? This is the one the night before, the night of some dude, another dude who listens to the podcast

is making me a tucks. All right. Then when you're wearing the Indian garb? I'm not. Yes, you are. I see a towel. Oh, I'm wearing, I'm going. We're doing a party.

If I walk in, then I see you with Indian guards. I'll look good. No, you're not. I'm going to, I'm going to, there's no shoes allowed at the wedding. At what wedding? Oh, I don't give a fuck. Because I'll get that fungi tone there. I'll put it up against those Indians.

If they're going to walk around with those currie feet, I'm going to challenge them. You think, you think your feet smell better? Our feet, my feet stink. I have to throw shoes away every three months. But I'll do the fucking house. I'll polish the shoe polish. I'll let my nails grow out. Right.

And I'll buff them and save the dust. And I'll just throw them at the Indians. at fucking, and they'll be going smelling like, what is that smell? Oh, my God. That shit smells, dog. If that gets on your finger and you smell it, you have to wash it off, and you can still get the fucking residue of fungi.

Like the next day, my finger's pink from the acid. So why do you touch it all the time? Because I love it. I love it. I put it in weed. I put it in everything. Let's take a breather. Talk to these people about some things, like draft kings.

What else? We got hydro row, and we also got perfect jeans. And those jeans are good. We'll be right back. Lee, I forgot to tell these guys what happened this weekend. Oh, my God. This was like Christmas and Hanukkah all wrapped in a one. You know the 12, what's on the Merry Day of Christmas?

The 12 days of Christmas? The 12 days of Christmas because after December 7th, 5th, I have no more comedy shows. I'm just going to take the rest of the year off, smoke pot and eat mushrooms. One of my favorite brands, one of my favorite customers showed up companies showed up this weekend. and they surprise us with just everything, joints, dog walkers, eights. They sent us as OG Kush. They sent us the Doucealece, Indica, they sent us a setiva. They had a bong in there.

They had sweatshirts. They had lighters. They got grinders. They got vapor pens. They got edibles with five milligram. I got to eat the whole case. But it doesn't matter. I mean, rhythm hooked us up, and I really want to thank them.

Oh, my, it was like they brought an entire, like, a tub that you take when you're moving. They took that, and they had a suitcase in that, and they opened that. And then it was like, you know how they have, like, fishing tackle boxes or, like, a toolbox? They had, like, eight different levels of marijuana. It was unreal. It was unreal to even see. It's like when I was a kid that had a James Bond suitcase, and you could hide a gun in there, a BB gun, just pressed the handle

and it would shoot BBs. So you could just walk around New York City. Da, da, da, da, da. They're people. It was the coolest thing in the world. I don't know what happened to them. These guys just made it cooler

over at Rhythm. It was a three-floor soup. It was more than that. No, it's three-four-old. Okay. The top one has a little weed lighters. The middle one has a fucking bong.

And a big one, yeah. On a pretty big bong. And the third one has weeds and edibles. And then when the thing is stood up, it says rhythm on that. That's a secret panel. You rip that down, and there's four more vapor pens, damn.

Ten more packs of fucking, uh, of door walkers, and 25 loose joints. They gave you a strain with, like, a display case and lights in it. That's the one that comes out on November 26. Okay. It comes on, uh... Like twice a year, right? What's the name of the store?

Rise. They have three of them, and, like, Paramus, and Edison, Paramus, and no, not Kenilford. Bluefield, which are pucus from. And fucking, so that comes out. It's like a, I don't know how big that butt is. I don't know, but they have a box with a light. I mean, fucking, I was just looking at it.

Like, that's one of the things I'm going to do when I eat mushrooms. Just look at that thing. I mean, they did it perfectly. You really got to see what rhythm did. I was going to bring it up today, but something will break me. He doesn't want to share it. It's going to break. It's not fucking ready yet, okay?

It's not ready. But anyway, I want to thank Rhythm, and I want to thank their team that showed up. They showed up in Austin, Texas, and they're showing up in D.C. And anytime I try, I'm going to see if they're there, and they can keep showing up, and then you don't have to bring anything.

We love your rhythm. Thank you for sponsoring our fucking little smoker time here during the week. Stay black. Say something, Lee. I love you. Thank you. I love you, Cucksucker. What's up, you Savage's Uncle Joey here?

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you know, I've been working with Draft Kings five years, six years, right? Before the pandemic, we had like two reeds

and they disappeared. Right around that, yeah. But we have been with other services. Mm-hmm. Okay? And I've been with Draft Kings for five years

and I love them. You know, they're great for me. I don't know how many times it saves me when I'm bored. Yeah. When I got two minutes, you ever go to doctor's office, draft Kings changes the bored of them in the doctor's office. Let's just leave it there.

You're like when you go up, you give them the paperwork, insurance. Sit there for a little while. I go right to draft king. Especially in this state. Yeah. Because for all of you who don't know, in like four states, they let you have a full casino on draft kings. Oh, yeah.

That's not everywhere. That's usually just sports book. No. When I went to D.C. last week, I went to get on the casino. God damn it. They banned me on that. The whole train ride down to the whole train run up. I'm playing black.

Jack, the whole God. I love it. It's just something about it. But at the same time, I knew that it's like anything else in life, guys. You know, it's good for you and it's bad for you. You know, I used to love doing a line of Coke on a Friday night. That never heard nobody. You know what I'm saying?

I would still be alive and kicking. I still have all my teeth. But the problem is it's when you do it five nights a week. You know, listen, there's nothing wrong when eating an Italian loaf of bread. one day a week if you lift and work out, whatever, you want to put some butter or olive oil. If you eat that every day, it's not going to end well for you. No.

You know, when it comes to people blaming things on things, I always get pissed off about that. It's like the chubby chick waters coffee from McDonald's and it burns her. Right. You know, people who smoke cigarettes for 30 years, they don't want to sue Marlborough or Cools. Did my wife tell you guys about that? No.

Did she tell you I have dinner the other night? there was a gas station in Baltimore. She pulled into a gas station in Baltimore. And on the sign, they said, a bucket of chicken and two packs of no port with 20 bucks. That's a good deal. That's as racist as can fucking be. But if I say that, don't throw me under the fucking jail.

Big signs. A bucket of chicken and two packs of Newport. Maybe it was a black dude who owned the gas station. Maybe not. You know. Okay? What's the last time you said a black dude on the gas station? You said black dude on the gas station.

He's robbing it. Or he's fucking. Or he's fucking buying a you or a red and butter. What's those things they buy? Red and gold. Red and what's the cigars they buy? Black and mild. Black and mild.

Yeah. That's it. But they had a sign. Just to tell you about, you know, where's Black Lives Matter when you need them? I want my dude. I want the five dollars. I donated back. I wanted it back after fucking wicked.

And now I really want it back now. But, you know, everybody has to blame everything. So the last four or five weeks, three or four gambling scandals are busted out. Yeah. You know, the two guy pitchers from Cleveland, the fucking basketball scandal with Chauncey Billups, the UFC thing, you know. And you sit there and I heard something. Sunday night I was switching through channels

waiting for the mayor of Kingston and ESPN had that little you know how many guns on there talking about gambling and how companies like Fandul and Draft Kings and all these companies and fucking... Meanwhile they own a sports betting app

did they lose it? Who lost? Yeah, apparently ESPN had a app and now they don't have an app but it's here this is not the the app's fault as a former criminal, I'm surprised that you're not more upset at the...

If you're going to place an illegal bet, why are you doing it on something that has all of your information? Why aren't you just going to the casino and doing it in cash? I just don't know. I don't know about this. So somebody has to... Can I walk into Seizers and put a prop better? Oh, they need IDs too?

Okay, that's still. I mean, I don't mind. Right. Well, that's what I'm saying. I mean, so you can't. Because somebody was saying, well, the prop bets goes back to the betting sites. And I'm like, wait a second. I know I can't put a prop bet in with a bookie.

Okay? Like, I can't call Nikki and go, hey, Nikki, you know, I want first quarter on sixes, whatever. Maybe now because the draft services do it. Right. But I thought they were doing it basically with the gambling sites. They are. To me, it's lazy.

The guys from Cleveland, the guys from whatever. and it's very interesting, but this is more to cheat the system. This isn't guys, I mean, listen, there's, I love draft kings, okay? And for me, it's called control. Maybe when I was 21, I would have sunk draft kings by now,

you know what I'm saying? Maybe I would owe them money or something. But that's the thing with them. You can't owe them, but they can hold right out of the fucking account. They don't even take fucking PayPal. No. They don't take my PayPal because it's corporate.

Yeah, just straight out of the bank. They don't fuck around with anything. But just the heighteness, you know, listen, man, the country's very hip to gambling now. Mm-hmm. You know, we thought that growing up, people gamble, not like they're gambling now. I mean, we discussed this two weeks ago.

People are gambling. Drinking is down. Gambling is up in each fucking state. Drinking is down. Because it's a $20 margarita, and you can stay home, drink by yourself. and you don't have to go to a casino anymore. Like, you've been telling me for months that Vegas is dead.

If you lived in Jersey and had it on your phone, why would you fly to Vegas? Well, this weekend. Okay, we went to MGM Grand and whatever. Great casino. Yeah, it was fun. Food was great, nice people. I know that they didn't have free drinks on the floor.

No. Okay. And I also noticed, we went to the other casino that they didn't have quarter of a 50 cents slots. Okay. So that eliminates a lot of things. Listen, all I remember about Vegas is we're going to Vegas. We're going to get drunked.

We're going to gamble and get fucked up, whatever. You got drunk from gambling. You went to gamble and they brought you drinks. Every time I go to Vegas, there's chicks walking around. But they ain't 50 of them. And it's like two. Do you know what I'm saying? They come around one an hour.

It's like when I used to go in the 90s, they were there every three minutes. You didn't even have an empty glass. You could have two ice cubes and they rush right over to you. So things have changed. So yeah, if you want to go to Vegas and get taken care of and you can't afford it anymore, guess what? You could do it at home. Or at least I can put disco music on. I can put lights in my living room.

and get a live dealer and get fucked up, snort coke, bring a chick over for a date. Think about it. I would love to be able to set something up in somebody's house. And you just come over to gambling fucking studio to their house. Doesn't have to be much. Lights, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, hey, give me back my bitch, you know, whatever.

You know, think about it. It's not. So when you're mine now, you could fucking, can you airdrop your phone to that screen? Of course, yeah. Guys, what are we talking about? That's a live dealer. Oh, I love it.

I'll do it. That's a live dealer. I did it on the bus here from New York today. I love it. I have a, it's a. And you go with the live dealer? Uh-huh. It's a real big, thank God I don't live here.

And I've hit it. I've been lucky the last couple months. Like the last couple months, I've been real lucky. That's why you take the bus to Jersey. Oh, yeah. It takes a lot. I don't want to take a bus. It's great.

It's $3 and I'm there for two hours on the bus. Now I know what. But that's great. crazy that you take the live dealer. We should do a... Instead of fucking doing a football, we should wait for another Monday night football.

Do the Monday night football and then get the live dealer up for drafting. That's the way to do it. I was honestly thinking about live streaming. They play Blackjack? Blackjack, they have every game you want. They have live dealer. Blackjack, I will be...

They have cheaper ones. It's like five bucks a hand. But like, it's not a great game because, like, everyone's playing on the same hand. the lowest minimum you can get is 25 but that's the same as at a casino. If you go to any casino, the lowest minimum you're going to find is 25 bucks

unless you get really lucky. So like, but I got, knock on wood, you know, you go up and down. But, you know, you go for a hand or two and if you start losing, you leave. And you go to, they have four or five tables you can go to.

I always look, I have rules. And they have Baccarat. They have Baccarat. They have craps. Drapkins is everything. Oh. It's great. It's a blast.

It is so much fun. Can you imagine if you ate a mushroom? Right? By yourself, you just ate some mushrooms. You're there. You put some music on you there. Anything is fun to you when you take a month. Oh, my God.

You imagine you go to the grocery store or mushrooms. Oh, my God. I get your mom to bring you drinks and make believe she's a waitress and put the fucking goggles on and make believe she's hot. Mom. Oh, yeah. Smack her in the ass and shit. Yeah.

Holy shit. That's a good idea. Come on, dog. I'm telling you, that's the business. We bring comedy. and a casino vibe to your basement with a small nickel. Food is optional.

Cocaine and drugs and bitches, that's optional. We get them there too. Well, listen, you've been giving me a lot of shit about the wedding. Something I did, and actually, Nadav, I just saw kind of did it at his wedding, the old your mom's house producer. But for like not that much money at all, I'm having three tables at my wedding

because we're not really dancers. We're not going to dance that much. I'm having a blackjack table, a roulette table, and a craps table. Oh, shit. There goes my... How many credits do I get? You get, everyone gets chips. If you want to buy more chips, it'll go to like the honeymoon fund,

but we're going to have stuff to give away for the people with the most chips. They'll win something. It's going to be a, I'm so excited. Dude, one of my biggest dreams, because I, you know, I'm a cheap Jew. I don't like, I don't like betting any more than 25 a hand. I don't really like betting that. But I'd love to go to a place that's like David Busters, but for casinos. So I can go in and for a hundred bucks, I'll buy a hundred grand worth of

chips. And then you just get to gamble like you're a high roller. And I don't know, maybe you win a prize. Maybe you don't. But like it, like, it sucks. We were just talking before the break about stuff being broke. It sucks going to the casino with like a hundred bucks. You can't go to the casino with a hundred bucks.

It lasts eight seconds. And there's nothing I like because I'm not a club dude. I'm not a bar dude. Take me to a casino. I'm fine. I would live there. I love gambling. I know.

I love it. I love it so much. And I wish I didn't. But it's like it's, it's one of my favorite things I do. Remember, before I met Carol for a lot of shit, I was working for a sports betting service.

We were all talking one day. We went to Vegas. Okay. The company took you to Vegas in February and you stayed for three days. And I remember going to Vegas and the guy, worked for

got us to watch the boat crash from Sears or whatever from Steve Wins' office so at that time I was doing comedy three years and the first time I went two years and he goes you know what

I'm going to ask the entertainment director what it takes to be a comedian here and the guy came home and told me there's a bunch of open mics oh yeah at that time Stanhope is there and Joe Koi I didn't know where they were no I'm not saying that I know what they were but I thought about it

I was like, to get the fuck out of Boulder, move to Vegas. I could work for a sports betting service. During the day. It was the quarterback from the old Houston Oilers. Dan Pastorini had a sport betting service, and I could fucking do comedy at night. So I really consider it. I like the energy.

Yeah. You know, I like the energy. I mean, you always like the energy in Vegas when you're single. You know, it's tough to like it when you're married. But when you're single, it's anything could go. It really is whatever happens here, stays here. You know, now I go to Vegas and you got eyes in the sky watching you. You got fucking.

I want to go to Macau. Macau in China? Yeah. Yeah, no, all that stuff is beautiful. Anything, everything happens in Macau. But they have all over the world, they got casinos, you know. Yeah. Beautiful casinos.

But to get back to what we were talking about, I mean, we both like to gamble. But you don't see us fixing games. Like, I don't. I don't see a need to do that. And both these pitches were good. They're great. I mean, it's so short-sighted. Like, even if he, I forget, what's the biggest bet they put on him?

10 grand a pitch. How many pitches? Two years. That's a lot of money. That's a lot of money a pitch, dog. But let's pretend that guy got a $100 million contract. You could sleep at night. You would think so.

Dog, with that gambling stuff, you always think they're going to knock on your door. I don't know how, if anybody understands that feeling. Of thinking they're going to knock on your door? Of thinking they're not going to knock on your door. When you do something that's so, there's so many moving pieces,

you're like, but when there's that many moving pieces, you've got to assume they're going to knock on your fucking door. There's too many moving pieces, and there's too many people that are able to, to talk and there's too many people that it's just too many moving fucking pieces if i call you tonight and go leave me for cuban food let's smoke some dope on the way i shoot you in the head and take you down the pine barren or uh what's the street under del avenue down there whatever the fuck that is

and throw you in the weeds it's me and you right if they find your body i fucked up but nobody else yeah if they find your body i fucked up but nobody else was with me. If I kill you with three people, one of these guys get pulled off with DU, I got an ounce of Coke. He's looking at 15 years. You're done.

You're done. That story you thought in the street trust. It's history. So that's what I'm trying to say to you. When you have that many things going on, Jesus, I can't even imagine. I'm surprised they even caught more college kids. That's who I thought would go for it.

What do you mean? Like, I would have thought, because now college kids can get paid, but before, like, because they were the ones who were, like, they were broke, people would go to them and ask them to, like,

shave points or do that. Like, you're right. Like, the major league baseball, you think they'd have enough money to be like, fuck you. But it seems like it's a lot of professional athletes. Fucking Chauncey Billups is a Hall of Famer. And he's running poker games.

It doesn't make sense. But I don't know. Do you think, like, do you think it's greed? But now what they're saying is that these guys went into these guys for something else. Listen, the mob is very smart. It's 300 years of street wisdom. And it's like we sit here and they show you the sopranos and good fellas.

And you think these guys, yeah, there's a degree of them that that lifestyle doesn't work no more. If Nick puts in a bet with me and I hit him in the head with a pipe, It's all over. That shit don't work, no. That shit don't work. There's just so many things that don't work no. Narcotics, listen, it's the same thing. You sell narcotics.

I got two guys on the street. I could only control that business as much as I can, which is if I got a kilo a month and I knew I could offer you a half a kilo and somebody else a whole kilo and I get stuck with a half a kilo, and I can move a couple ounces to a friend of mine or two. I could sleep at night.

Right. It's when I got it, and I got to put it out there through nine different people. That's when I know. And listen, people do it because after a while you think you're fucking bulletproof. I did the same thing. After a while you're thinking you're not going to get caught.

You're smarter than people. But eventually, some guy gets pulled over. Some guy smacks his wife. Some guy. Look at Frank Vincent. The coat took him down. Yeah.

It's, it's, you never know what's going to take you down when you have that many moving parts. And that's a horrible way to go, guys. Especially when you think you've had it going on for 10 years. And all of a sudden one day when now you're enjoying your life, now it's not even about that money anymore, you enjoy, your wife had a kid, your business grew on its own,

like your fucking business expanded on his own. One of your partners brought in a fucking new sneaker and the thing blew up and now and everything is good. We speak to the outside for a second. And you already know the knock. You've been waiting for that knock. In your heart, you don't ever want that knock to happen. But you know that knock was going to come.

So what do you, when you say they were into them, what does that mean? Lee, how long have you been married? You're getting married when? End of December. Come on, let's hang out to that. Let's go get some beers. I'll call George. I'll call Nick.

I'll call the Cuban kid, let's go out. And all of a sudden, we end up at, come on Nick, let's go to that strip club on Monday night. And all of a sudden, I fucking give you like a Mickey. I put you in the back room. I already got your plan. There's two girls waiting for you already. We already set this up.

They're going to suck your dick and tongue up your ass. And while they're doing that, Nick's going to take pictures of you. Lee, let me ask you something. So you're getting married? How excited are you getting married? Oh, I'm great. I'm going to have poker tables. Okay.

Before you think of those poker tables, take a look at that picture right there. How nice would your wife like those pictures? When did you get to ease? You guys suck. You suck. We don't suck. We do suck. Too bad.

We are very bad people. But we know that you hang out with this guy, this guy, this guy. All we want you to do is set up poker games. You're untouchable. I can't believe you guys dip me like that. This set up poker games will give you a flat fee of $20,000. blah, blah, bah, bah, you're the fucking face of this shit, you know, and that's it. Or they take it to a gay bar and you get fucked in the ass by Eric.

And, you know, that's another picture your wife don't want to see. So you always get compromised. I'm not saying those are the compromise. I'm just throwing something out there that I don't know what I'm talking about. But this is how you have to look at this shit. And you don't, like, why do you think, if that's what happens, why do, like, why does no one go to the cops? Because I got a picture of a big dick brother And he's dicking in your ass

And at the same time you're sucking him a seven-year-old dick Oh, okay Yeah Because that's what you like I got down to what you really like I know what you really like, okay? Right Never mind what you tell people

I know what you really like Okay, I know you go at home and throw down a shot of heroin every night you don't do it in the daytime you control your addiction but every night you go home at 8 o'clock you can't you're sweating when you get home sweating you know what I'm saying time for that shot you can't wait and everybody has something they find out what your weakness is and they attack it broads whatever food I don't fucking know you know but they're attacking now they got you you know it's like when

when I read that book Havana Ockton by PJ and in that book and in that book it states a story when Kennedy went to Cuba and they got him laid. And at the end of the thing, the guy, Traficante looked at the other guy and he goes, we fucked up. We didn't put him on tape. We're going to bring him back because he went to Cuba as a senator. He goes, we're going to bring him back and tape him. And then when he wins the presidency, we go to him and go.

Look at these pictures. You were three Cubans? What won't you do for us? You think that's how they get people most of the time as pussy? It could be anything, Lee. It could be that you were stealing from Nick. And now I'm not going to tell Nick you've been stealing from, but now you're going to steal from me.

Jesus. You know, anything. They get into your weakness any fucking single way. Maybe these guys were just gambling degenerates. Yeah. And bro, all these books and all these little stories that you hear about the NBA and the NFL. There's a lot of gambling involved, brother, especially in the NBA.

There's a lot of gambling involved. Oh, between the players? Yeah. They play poker. Listen to them. Michael Joy. Do you see there's a video they're fucking doing the quarter drop with the security guard? Yeah, they do anything.

They gambled on anything and everything. That's a fucking month. That's, that's, when you're up to, listen, Michael Kane addiction at the end, that's what it's like to have because I was doing an eight ball every night. I don't even know who I was making the money. I would, yeah, I was having dreams that I owed Dante money still.

I know that motherfucker $500 still. That's funny. I have dreams that I didn't do my homework. Yeah, yeah. No, it's fucking crazy. But it's really crazy how they nail you. I don't know what.

Listen, man, we get weak at all parts of our lives. We don't, we don't have a fucking explanation for it. It's just a weakness that we have as men, women, human beings, you know. It's just, and sometimes your mind plays tricks with you. And like, do you, you're telling me you hate me, but in my mind I'm hearing, I love you. Right.

I love when you fucking come over. No, you don't. But it's just, it's fucking crazy, Lee. Did you ever get offered, like a inside tip on gambling when you were young? or nothing? It would be thought that were fucking Houdini's. But let's look at it this way. Okay?

Michael Jordan, which I'm not accusing, but from the stories we've heard, what was the quarterback when we were kids from the Baltimore Colts? Art Schiezer. Art Schlezer. He was the first guy. What did you do?

I don't know that story. He fucking threw games. Fuck. He threw games, you know. Pete Rose. What are they all have in common? They were gamblers. But guess what else they had in common?

They couldn't pick a winner. Even they were involved with the sports. A good friend of mine wants to me, I want you to think about this before you put that better. Guys that play the sports, that's like when they call you and go, I got a pick for you, a former NFL player. They can't pick them.

I have tons of friends. Like Quisimery once. the while you're like this weekend. They're the worst. You go the other way. They're the fucking worst. When you go on UFC analysts, they're the worst because they're fighters.

They look at it. They look at it. It's like Joe Rogan can't pick a winner. You know how many conversations I've had with him? He doesn't see it like we see it. You know, like tonight, fucking Philadelphia's playing Green Bay at Green Bay on a Monday night.

It's flipped. Green Bay are the fucking favorites. Really? Okay, guess what? All of America is going to bet Philadelphia. All of America is going to, and especially three receivers are out. All the receivers are out for whatever. Why are they given a point in a half?

Everybody's, they try to trick you. It's a move. Maybe you're looking at that, but maybe the answer is the under. Maybe the answer is the under. It's it is Monday Night Football. You have to look at Monday Night Football and go, what is my utopia here? What is my perfect utopia on this game?

Is it Philly and the Ova? Because that's your perfect utopia. Oh, you're Philly and the Ova. That's what they want you to bet. But there's got to be something, they got to make money somewhere else. You got NBA tonight? Yeah.

You got a full slate tonight on Monday night. If you're going to bet NBA, Monday nights and night to do it. because everybody's focused on the NFL. A lot of people don't, there's just little things that you learn because you did it, not because you told me, because I fucking lost money on Monday nights. But the biggest basketball scores I've ever had

have been on Monday nights, like Houston giving five, and you go to sleep and you wake up and they win by 58. And you're like, what the fuck? That's never going to happen again. I love when they make mistakes. Yeah, the line,

and that's why the first line of the NBA, the first month, the lines are always soft. Right, because they don't know. So it's a good time to attack the NBA. After that, everybody gets hit. Now, Zion is still a fat buck. This guy is still eating pork chops. You know, it's kind of weird what you learn.

But that's, so when you take all that into consideration, what really makes you think you're going to win? That's why when I go on draftings, it's entertainment. I don't go over a certain amount. and I go, when I come, when I get on draftings, it's either I lose 50 or I win 5,000. Do you know what I'm saying? Right.

Nine and a half times out of 10, I'm going to lose 50. As long as you can be good with that. You know who I was thinking about the other day was it? It's Farty Correa in Vegas. Yeah. He doesn't gamble a penny. No. And he can live in Vegas.

He lives in Vegas, right. If I lived in Vegas, it'd be a problem. But here's a problem with this. There's a week where I won't touch it. I only go on draft kings to play the daily, the free games to see if I could get 10 free spins. How much you do? I work hard for the fucking money. So that's what I'm saying to you.

Right. It's not, I just don't go on then. I'm going to put 2,000 on fucking the next. That never happened. Because if my wife found out, she'd fucking rip that app down. That'd be the end of the fucking out. So my wife will tell me, I'd rather you put, think of what you want for the month, think of what they give you and put it in there.

Once that money's gone, don't go back. And that's exactly how I do it. Yeah. So if they give me three and I put three in there, though, you know me. Once you start dipping into my three, I take a few days off and shit. With their three, you got to see me.

I'm just, oh, you got to see me, dog. I'm right there on the phone, pressing, fucking, I got music on. dog while I win I go out and smoke in the garage I come back I'm all fucked up but once it starts dipping into my three

it's intervals jack that's who you put the safety better on because they'll hit you up once a year oh yeah do you want to not raise your limits oh yeah leave it right there you know because it's entertainment it's not it's entertainment right and it's a lot of fun when it's going your way

oh it's the best and it's a lot more fun to win $18, than to win $10,000. I don't know about that. Trust me, I'm telling you. Why would it not be fun to win 10 grand? Because she and your girlfriend, she never sucked your dick before.

You've been dating it for three months, and now you split a parlay, she wins 18, and you win 18. They'll suck your dick for the small 18. I don't know why. You can take them the dinner flowers, they won't suck your dick. But let a women gamble and win?

Oh, my God. It's a pussy for everybody. Pussy here. Pussy there. Pussy here. Everybody yum-yms, everything. I had no idea. Because it is...

It's entertaining. I get food. I come over. But again, it's not entertaining with that idiot goes, I lost $5,000 on this. You know, right away, even you lose your mood. This was just to have fun to get high. And then to go, ah, Nick, we won 18 apiece.

We bet hockey tonight. I don't know nothing about hockey. And you put the money on and guess what? The thing wins because you don't know nothing. Right. You got lucky. About hockey. But then you go.

read a hockey book and come back. Then you go 18 out of fucking 18 losses. Because that's what they say. You get smart. They want you to be stupid. That's why housewives, I went nine for nine because they all have blue shoes. Right.

Oh, yeah. And here you all will. It's raining. The wind velocity. And your grandmother's in there. No, no, no, no. They got bluer shoes. I go for bluer shoes.

The city where I'm from, they wear blueish shoes. So all that's bullshit. Right. It's all bullshit. you know, but it's entertainment. And it's scary when I, because I love, in Vegas, wherever, I remember, there's something when you go to play blackjack with people,

around like 1130 and you see people just hanging out by the ATMs. It's because they've hit, they've hit their limit and they have to wait till midnight to go back to the ATM. That's fucked up. Yeah. And now, now some casinos have ATMs at the table. Yeah. They have the little keypad. You put the card right in.

You, you, these kids. casinos now have ATMs on the slot machines. You can put your card in, do the pin code, and it goes right to the slot machine. It is. Guys, look, man. I don't know what the median age is of this podcast. It's got to be between 21 and 33 or 34.

There's some older guys, you know. But I know a lot of young guys listen to this shit. And I'm going to tell you something. I'm not going to sit here and tell you I didn't do this stupidity. I'm not going to sit here and tell you, I didn't do this stupidity. I'm not going to sit here and tell you I didn't do drugs. I'm not going to sit here and tell you I didn't gamble. I'll tell you what.

I still remember gambling and losing, and my roommate losing money, like big money, God rest of soul. And I remember having a talk of myself and go, and wait a second. If I'm going to lose $2,000, I'm going to get something out of it.

You know? And what do you get out of losing? Nothing. So I'm going to take that money and buy Coke instead. At least I'll crawl on the floor and look for rocks and snorts. Sinder block dust and tow dust. That's how I looked at it.

I'm not proud of both of them. But because of those years and seeing what life is and hearing all these stories, when I go on Drapkins, now I know it's a joke. You guys know I have no sports knowledge. I bet, because of George,

I bet Aaron run home runs. I go in there and see what it pays for Aaron Judge to do a $10 home run. Sometimes you get 32, sometimes you get 48. That's what I do. I don't have. any knowledge at all, like no knowledge.

So I know when I'm going in, it's just entertainment. Yesterday I went to Jimmy's house. They must have been happy yesterday. Yeah, I had the dolphins because of Jimmy. I'm more excited, but then I go, come on, 20 bucks to win 82. No, it was like 20 to win 102 if Buffalo came back on the money line. So I just put 20 on Buffalo. I went to, took a nap.

I did the same thing. Yeah, we all do the same thing because that's what it, but it's 20. It's not my rent. It's not the car payment. Yeah. It's not the cocaine money. It's not the kid's sneaker money. It's $20.

And I'm okay with that. I earned that this week. I did a thousand little things that I know for a fact. I know for a fact I got a residual check for $28. So I got one of my wife's goes, oh, you hit the jackpot this week. You got one for $28 and three of them for one cent. She goes, I even deposited three checks for you for one penny today. As I tell you.

deposit them because no you need three pennies six more I got a little bit of gasoline you know what I'm saying that's I used to rip those up why when I was poor poor poor you did get pissed off when he opened it and rip it up you can't go to check cash in place with a 23 cent check they're gonna take 10 points off the bat so all I got is 13 cents so you got a 23 cents check I used to cast my checks the fucking the liquor store the check cash in place on Witset in Hollywood so I never cashed them. And then one day in dawned on me, I'm getting rid of dollar checks. The fuck is who am I? Don Quolioni?

I started it. And then my wife's like, yeah, we'll put them on the day won't notice. You put like a $300 check and then you put the little ones underneath and look around. Like, make believe. We should do that. We should take you to a check cashing place and see what they do with the 15 cent checks. Oh my God. I love going on SAG and seeing the checks that are coming in. They tell you the dates and how clear they are. Like how much you're going to get clear. But if you go on the checks, in development. Then you see what's really coming? Then you see, no, you see everything.

But there's always like 42, 28. Like when you first book a show, the first residuals the amount that they paid you. So you're like, oh, shit. When that motherfucker is, you're like, oh, shit. But then it just keeps going. Then you get like, so like, you do a co-star. Like, when I did a co-stoy, I was 1,2005.

For 12.50, I'd stab you in the fucking neck. So you're going to pay me to pick up garbage on the TV show, 1250 and people are going to see me? Fuck, yeah. So 1250, the first law and order, you get 1250. Then if they played again that summer, you get 1250.

Like, oh shit, but that never happens. But the next time is 4. So when they play it into the next season, it's 450. Then you pop off 2 450s. And once you go to TNT, those late night ones, then it starts at like 252, and it goes down to 130. Then after that, it's a cold.

whole day in the death. Like, I got a check for co-case. And it was like 18 cents. Yeah, but imagine if you're on a show for 10 years and all the checks you can't. Oh, shit. That's why when I look at some of these guys, I'm like, they're not starving. Because those residual checks come in fucking strong. They come in fucking, and they come in like weird things.

Like, I have, again, and I've said this about everything. If you have, I don't know how to use this example, George, George's business is a framer. If George had a website and he had, he averaged 300 a month off the website, just people scoping and buying a picture, a giant shirt or whatever. But then he had like a delivery service.

Like right now people getting out of, what do you call them, block and mortar? Brick and mortar. Brick and mortar places because my whole business, 80% of my business I'm shipping anyway. Right. So why do I need this? I got 10%

I got 10 people walking in here every 10 years. You know what I'm saying? The rest? Why do I'm buying my payment? I need the work area. But I don't need a storefront and the insurance and this and this and this. So they become, and those people now eliminate that. But you have these little avenues of income.

So for me, I have, what's the one that they send you for music? I have a service that pays me for whenever I do a radio show. Oh, okay. And something else. I forget entertainment. No, there's something else. I don't know how to get into their account to see how much they send me every month.

I don't know. I don't even know. Every time I got an email, I just know I'm getting something in check. And sometimes it's $28. And sometimes it's $500. They aired something on Sirius or something like that. I don't know. Yeah, so if they take a CD and put it on serious one of those, I get paid on that.

You know, I got money from Netflix, not for the specials. I have no idea for what. I have no idea. Every month, Netflix. Ari's things, were those on Netflix? No, Comedy Essential. Oh, you're right. Comedy Essential never paid me for the YouTube Rory things.

That's $10 million. Jesus. Downloads. Yeah. Times three or four. Those are crazy. They never fucking drop me a dime. So do you understand you got to take the good with the bad?

You can't fucking fight every battle because you're going to get robbed in this business. Just don't let them over-rob like fucking, you know, you just can't. If that's what they want to do. Everybody listen, the gambling thing, people are going to do what they naturally do. Some people think they get away with it forever. And you can't. You can't. Especially now.

Yeah. Now everything's a fucking paper trail. Like I was watching somebody special. They were saying that cash is like kryptonite. They don't even want your cash no more. No, a lot of places say cashless. What about the airport? You can't get a sandwich without an ATM card or credit card at the airport.

They look at you weird. So when you go to Yankee Stadium, you can't use cash? They're getting rid of it on the subway now. They don't they're not going to have those They don't want homeless people in there anymore I mean they're just gonna sneak under anyways They want they want to control everything That's communism as best

Mondami Yeah Oh my God They're excited I just did a show in Harlem And they're fucking really excited about it All right good Let them jump up and down

It's funny man I I trained Saturday, we did, listen, I never really recovered from the Wednesday night show. Really? That was rough Wednesday. That was fun. But I burned a lot of energy up there that night for some reason.

I had a lot to say. Yeah. I was moving around. It's a smaller stage. And I went home that night. I didn't fall asleep, but off the back. Then Thursday night I slept well. And then Friday, I did some shit in the morning.

Then I drove down there. When I got out of that car, I was wiped the fuck out. I had all these plans to go out to the stuff. dinner Friday night, I couldn't leave the fucking hotel room. I don't even think I even ate dinner Friday night. I didn't. I think she brought me like a roast beef sandwich I have. It's all I ate with water out of the refrigerator.

You're feeling okay? You're just tired. I was fucking wiped out. But Fridays, I'm always wiped out. Like, that's why I don't make no plans for Friday night. Because Friday at 4 o'clock, I feel, I 1 o'clock. Like, if I did my week, Friday at 1 o'clock, I'm fucking done. So I've got, you know, mediocre sleep.

It's a far in bed. She forgot my fan. I brought a fan, but she forgot the other one. So I fell asleep to the noise from my fan. I got up a couple times to pee. And then Saturday I just woke up a little fucked up. Like I just wasn't feeling.

I got up early. I went downstairs, fucking got high in the morning. I got too high. And I went back up and took a nap. I had breakfast. Breakfast was pretty fucking good. And then I just wasn't. I didn't feel.

I woke up. My wife's like, what do you want to do? And I went outside for a walk, and there was no... I wanted to get vitamin D. I just wanted to sit and look at the phone. I knew I couldn't go on Drafkin Casino in D.C. So I just wanted to get some vitamin D before the show. You know, maybe write some notes on the phone.

And I just couldn't get settled. And fucking... We went to eat. We drove to a mall and we went to a food truck. Okay. I thought they had a food truck side. I go, you know what, Terry, I don't want to sit in a restaurant. but I do want to get food outside.

It was nice out. It was beautiful down there. So I just talking out of chicken enchiladas, shrimp enchiladas from a thing that was, I mean, she was as Mexican as could be. I mean, you know. I want to know what that means. A little burl. And it was her and the husband was hiding.

He wasn't legit. He was in the kitchen. Bro, everything was good. The enchiladas, the rice, the beans. but the best thing on the thing was that salad they give you. It was crunchy and you bit it with the enchilada. Because I like an enchilada with lattice on top. It gives it that.

Guys, it was tremendous. And I smoked two joints when I was there. I went to the back and smoked. And my mercy ate, my wife, fame. We just sat there and Nick came and picked this up, picked the girls up. And then me and Terry were there. And on the way back, I'm like, I'm not feeling today. And bro, this is how old I'm getting.

You ready? What happened? It was my mother's death anniversary. It was? That's why I wasn't feeling it. Oh, shit. So now I go back to the old tower room, and I'm looking all my material,

and I'm making notes. Half the shit I didn't say, by the way. I know. The shit I said, I'm a fucking idiot. But the closing that night was supposed to be finding my mother on the floor.

Oh, Jesus Christ. Because I was bugged. That's what I'm feeling. What a waste of time if I went up there and wouldn't have said it? Right. You know, but I said, no, I can't say that story in the middle because it's doom. You're not going to follow that.

Right. I sell it. People go down and I go down a little bit. So I said, fuck it, I'll close with it. And at the 56 minute mark, I was like, here we go. I couldn't do it. Why not? I just couldn't do it.

And what was stopping you? Too emotional? No, the room was good. I just didn't feel like taking them down. I wanted to leave on a good foot. Right. They were laughing at the brownie stuff and fuck it. I got off and just closed it at that,

but I really wanted to fucking talk about that for some reason. I'm surprised that you didn't. Because that, if you would have asked me, like... Remember we were talking, or it was me and Becky Wu? We were talking about material and I goes, you know, I don't understand. I'd go see a comedian and he has the same material three nights and something has to happen that day.

Something that threw him off. Maybe on that day his aunt died three years ago and I was his favorite aunt. Something, you know. You would think so. I think you're more of an anomaly than, like, I've opened up for a lot of people. And it's not exactly the same,

but it's close to the same. You're, and especially when you're editing CDs for you, it's annoying because you go up there five shows and do five different sets. completely different. It's not even like a word's different here. You have a whole new chunk that we were talking about before in the green room.

Like you're the, like, not weird, but like you're the unique one with that stuff. You know, bro, the other day, I mean, one of the reasons George got rid of cable, did you get rid of cable? Yeah. One of the reasons I'm about to get rid of cable. And I hate to say that a lot of people

going to go, Joe, you're a hypocrite. Is that the fucking godfather's right? Now, I love the Godfather, but it's on every day, on Showtime, one of those. Godfather, Godfather 2. And when Godfather 2 ends, Godfather 1 starts on another channel. I pay too much money to see the Godfather. I think I have it on DVD, three times, VHS once. I think I even got it on cassette, real to real.

I even got the other one, Blue Phone, Blu-ray. Blue-ray. I got a Godfather and everything, okay? And this is funny, guys. You're going to appreciate this. I know George will because George and I always have these conversations. I don't care what you guys want to say to me or tell me he's gay or he suck dick. All those stories make me love him even more.

We're talking about Marlon Brando. So last week, the Godfather's been on so much and I go to myself, you know what? I haven't watched it about a year. Let me put it on. And my part came on right from the beginning. He cuts right through the chase. And it's when his honey gets.

killed and he fucking has the conversation with uh no the concierge he has the comp and which is one of the greatest fucking things ever when he tells him and i read up on that scene like they were doing a show on the godfather one night and he had no idea that fucking what's his name was going to take the glass out of his hand like robert duval was saying when we first rehearsed it he rehearsed it like that. And that's what I would do to break your balls. Just rehearsed it a certain way. And then when we shot it, he came down and took the drink out and then gave it to me. And then said, now you had your drink. And he goes, I was lost. He goes, the first two takes, I was. And then he came back and then it differently the second time. He goes, I was completely lost

with this motherfucker. That's what you do. Okay? I've always loved Marlon Brando. And I like the school or thought that he was in. He did everything, a little bit of everything. He wasn't good at everything, but he kept his mouth shut. And in the daytime, he was sitting in Manhattan in front of Macy's in 1950, and he was sit in a phone boot. He would hide in a phone boot and watch people walk because he loved to watch people fucking walk.

And if you watch that scene, the Godfather goes from the funeral, it goes from that to the funeral. Look how they massacred my son. and then it goes right to the meeting in New York because at the few, when he tells Tom, call the meeting of the heads of the five families. I don't want nothing, no repribution.

And then they do that scene where he gets tortured for. I'll sign out live of him reading and everybody had stickums on. Okay, everybody had a stick-a-on, so he knew his lines. This motherfucker, this is a major motion picture, and this guy refused to learn his lines.

He would write him on you and put him on your fucking neck while the camera was on me because he wanted it to come out organically. Right. I love that. I always love that shit. Some nights, you know what,

as much as I want to go up there and open up with a fucking delivery joke, I want to open up with something that happened to it and just welcome them to the show and slow them down. Slow them down a little bit and bring them into my world. I like that.

That's a mistake I made. I could not fucking imagine going up there and doing the same line every night from beginning the fucking end. I'm quitting. I'm quitting within a week. I'll quit. I can't imagine doing that.

That's why I never set myself up like that of a ship or anything. You listen to you. Joey, here we were clean. I understand. So I could probably do one show, but I'm going to snap by the third. By Thursday,

I got to do what I do. baby girl. You know what I'm saying? We got to take this to the next. They're going to leave you in the Bahamas. Yeah. So this is why I don't like working off a page. I like working organically. See where you're going with them. Where are we going? What the fuck? Do they need to hear this joke tonight? Let me tell them an old story. And let me go into this joke a different way. There's always

something. You know, like I've sent here with you a thousand times. I have 22 ways to tell you to go fuck yourself. At least. Some of them with a smile on my face. Some of them, leave me here. Some of them I'll go, Lee, go fuck yourself. You know what I'm saying? Lee, go fuck yourself. Lee, stop on time.

But that's, I've always loved that style of comedy. Right. It's not improvising. It's not improvising. It's just moving shit around where you feel it should come out. In the middle of all that, if you put a tag on that and then stop what you're doing and talk about the shit you took.

or a walk you took with your cat. And then when you go back to that, oh, my God, people love it. They think it's fucking hysterical. People will laugh because you just went through a whole different thing. You didn't sell it as much as somebody would do that. It's like somebody would say, like my wife's not a comedian. So she would say like, yes, all the peanuts fell, that wasn't a good thing. That don't sell on the stage.

White people loves doing that shit. They try to underline that. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, yeah. That's not going to sell. What would sell? The way I just did it. The peanut fell.

Whatever the fuck. You know, and just take it. It's when I oversell that line. Yeah. So instead of me going, blah, blah, blah, blah. Me and George went to whatever. Speaking of retards,

who saw the jets last week? Okay, you were just talking about a heavenly, beautiful thing, and all of a sudden you went back into retards and the jets. But guess what? At the end of that retard jet, you're going to go back to how you love your daughter. And then I went there like, what the fuck just happened?

Because I put a tag on that. What's that? What's the top tweet and the top? Retweet. I put a pin in that. Oh, okay. So before, that's not done yet. I'm putting a pin in that.

I'm just going to take them for a walk on, I just took them on Fifth Avenue. But really quick, I'm going to run down 69th Street and take them on a walk on Riverside Drive. Then I'm going to bring them back to the same spot. So I'm going to meet them on 56 and 5th. now I'm on 56 in Riverside Drive I'm going to walk him to 60th

in Riverside Drive but I'm going to bring them back to 56th and 5th I just thought you were high and you forget what you're going to do. No! No! That's the appearance you give those motherfuckers. Right. So they think you're a wizard. No, you know you're not. It's like when I found out, when I was a kid

I remember the first time I watched Brian, what's that guy's name that killed himself? Mork and Mindy. Oh, Robin Williams. First two times I saw Robin Williams, dog. I thought I was going to have a fucking heart attack. Yeah. One time he was doing some and he opened up to fucking hamper and he goes,

Hoffa, I fucking almost died. Like he was just, and then I found out that he wrote everything. And he planned it out. Everything was planned out. Right. He sold it like it was improvised. Right. So he sold it like he was spitting, dropping knowledge.

But that thing had been well done already. It was fucking brilliant. That's crazy. So it's how you sell it. You could sell it. Like, this is the first time you fucking read it. But once you read, you ever read a book and you read like a couple paragraphs and you're like, wow, that was fucking great.

I got to read that again. You read it again again. Then it takes the sting out after the third time. And then you can move on. You're still blown away by the story. Right. But it loses the element of surprise for sure. I couldn't agree more.

What the fuck you think you're dealing? Did you ever see the show, The Bear? Have you watched that yet? show. Yeah. No. It took me like, this is my like third time

getting into it and it takes about a season. But like in the second season, they have an episode with your buddy, John Bernthal. Yeah. They had a great episode

but like the whole family and the mom, the mom is going nuts. And like it's, it's like that. Like I should rewatch it. I'll never be able to rewatch it in the same way because it's,

it's so out there. Like there's also, and I'm sure you never saw Game of Thrones. You ever see Game of Thrones? There's an episode called the Red Wedding where like they kill everybody. And a wedding

When I go The red wedding Once I smell some Hindu toes Oh my God I get one of those Hindus knives You gotta say that like your toes smell great They wash them Listen

My toes do not smell great My toes like my asshole I could wash it I could wash it 20 times Wipe it with the towel And it still has that asshole smell to it on the towel You're like what am I going to do To take this whiff out of mind

That's why I discovered The Uncle Joey Lufa where you put it around your finger and you're sticking it in your ass to clean the baricles off the... If you ever look at porn, you ever watch porn and the chick's got a beautiful pussy but her asshole's brown like around the asshole

it looks like somebody painted it brown and you're like, I don't need to see this shit. Somebody needs to fucking AI that white you know, like when you're bleaching your teeth, you got a bleaching your asshole. So I've always been interested in how to bleach your asshole. Now, I do not want to go to some Chinese later. have to sit on a table and have to have somebody bleach your asshole.

That's the, listen, no winner at all. Some Chinese lady has to take your asshole hair and put fucking little mascara sticks on it. You know what I'm saying? A little paintbrush. A little paint brush. But you can do it yourself at home. No, you can't. Yes, you do.

You get a lufor, you cut it down and you fucking like stitch it to fit your finger. And you stick your finger like three quarters of an inch up. your asshole and you go this with you'll feel the you'll hear the barnacles dying. How but how often do you throw this thing away? Huh? How often do you throw that thing away? What are we? One or twice a week.

And so you just keep making new little lufus? When you buy a new lufa, you just cut them and prepare them so you always have a big bag. You got a big bag of lufers. What happened to a bade? I just installed a bidet again. A bidet is great, but a bidet takes the decay off the top. It don't take that barnacle. If you turn it up to 10, it does.

No, it does, and you have to help it. That's good. If you soak it first and spray like fucking fabri, it's not for breas. What's something, yeah, like what is it? Like some, no, not fertilized. That's for the Arabs. No, the other one, the one that you just, you know, like the clean. Okay.

Well, get yourself like a cleanser that has like strawberry seeds in it. Like I used that one time, peach seeds. And you just take that and put the finger in and just. clean around your barnacle. But even that, my ass still has that wang to it. So I gave up. I do it once a week now. And, you know.

You wouldn't get your asshole bleached? You wouldn't go to a place? No, no, no, no, no. I don't even like getting massages, please. Oh, I love me. You don't like massages? I don't like laying on the table face down. Anything could happen.

You know what I'm saying? Anything could happen. And anything that could happen is not good. Oh, dude, I got to be honest. I just got into them a couple years ago. I've had like probably four massages. The first one I got was with a dude and I'm going to be, I was not thrilled about it, but it was either my ex getting a dude or me.

I was like, all right, I'll go with it. I'll take the dude. Best one I've gotten by far. Like the head, it's just, it was a little weird. That's good. You don't want, you don't want a little, a dude just rubbing your shoulders. It feels nice. I tried and it just doesn't.

I like, the only woman I liked because it was out in the open was the Japanese, ladies lady I took you too. Yeah, that was fun. And she was great. For 40 bucks, she was greatly. I didn't have to worry about a hand job. She, every was out in the open. She, when you walk in, they put your feet in hot water.

They put your feet up. They take your shirt off. They rub your shoulders. Your fucking hands. They rub your neck. She would fucking stand on a chair and stick a heel into my cabs. She was a power lifter in China. And then she would start working on my legs and get a stick and do all this shit.

and fucking, oh, she was $40. I get off a plane, I go right there. I drop my luggage at home, smoke a bonnet, and shoot right to the fucking thing. Oh, dude, one day you called me, he said, I'm going to be your house in 20 minutes, wear shorts. And I came down, you took me there,

and then speaking of it, yeah, we were laying next to each other with like a little curtain in between us, and this woman was strong as fuck. And I had to be like, hey, can you light up a little bit? And from the other side of the carton, He said, don't be a pussy. This place is great.

Oh. And massage envy was across the street. It was like a fucking ghost town. Because up and down that street, it was that place was legit. It was next to the bodega where the guy was cool. Yeah. And next to something else, the black hair cutter. I haven't.

In the corner, remember, they would be cutting hair four in the morning. I would be coming up the hill and there'd be fucking ten cars up there. Black people cutting hair, fucking music. They had a food truck. Fucking unreal. It was, yeah, it was the... Lancashem and something. Yeah, and there was the little bodega there, the massage place.

Wasn't there like a dental office that was never open? Was it that one? And then across the street was massage envy and that gym that they tore down. Golds? No, there was a gym there that they tore down. And I remember I used to go to and get the juices. There was an Asian who sold juices there. Okay.

And that's where God rest his soul. I used to see him lifting there with all the big black dudes. The guy that died, Jamar Warner. from whatever. Right across the street. And across the street, that was a hot little neighborhood. The sushi there was tremendous. They all you could eat across the ha-ha.

Yeah. They used to give you the muscles with the cheese on top. Oh, shit, George. That's why I brought him milkshake there. Oh, that place was heavily. We used to kill him. And then you had the place up the corner there. Oh!

That corner thing that had the cheese steaks. And the French fries, they had like the old archers like McDonald. the fucking you forgetting all this shit. Oh, wait. Yeah, it was next to the music studio. Oh, yeah. Who's the guy who owes Vegas $20 million? Bruno Mars was there.

Bruno Mars would record there and then go to the sushi place and then go back to that recording studio. We'd be in there eating the fucking cheese steak with the fucking milkshake. Was it a cheesecake place outside? Yeah. Bruno Mars. Remember I had panelling outside. Oh, I didn't know.

That's what Bruno Mars used to tape. I just kidding about the cheeseings. That neighborhood was happening. It was Bruno Mars. We were living right there. Like Bruno Mars is taping right there. 20 black coos in a band were going there dancing and shit. Fucking unreal.

Un fucking real. And then up the block was the theater. You had the donut place and you had the bus at the train station, the Tamale lady in the morning. You had the theater and you had the bar. Right above the theater. Yeah, yeah. No.

Next to the theater was across the street. And upstairs, the kid ran it. The comedy show, he had a wig. I don't remember that one. He had a wig like the sheriff. Dude, that was a weird. Do you remember, like, a little further down by one of the offices? There was, like, a bar with clowns on the outside.

I took one of the guys, the guy who used to run the fourth wall. We went on Halloween, him, Eric, and I, and he got a $10 tattoo. It was just a, it was like a clown bar. And do you remember what the other place next to the clown bar was? No. The sushi place, where they were dancing the tables. Oh, I never went to that one. Yeah, that's one of the first place I ate in L.A.

When I came down from Seattle, the people I stayed with took me there, fucking Japanese people dancing and jumping up and down the tables. And then they burned it down. The Japs burnt the loose sushi place down, but it burnt down the fucking smoothie place. That poor bastard. He used to come to kickbox. He was crying every day.

I don't know what I'm going to do. Insurance hasn't sent me money. I can't make protein shakes. Dog, take the money and get out. And he finally sold it and moved to Arizona. I don't blame him. Fuck. That was a fun area.

Yeah. Fuck yeah, dog. And I used to just call you and say, come down. I got Cuban fried rice for you. Cuban fried rice. Fucking great. And you would be, because you wouldn't go out at night.

If it wasn't for me, you'd be in that fucking apartment. I'd make them come down, dog, we'd smoke. I used to have these tubes that you drank. There were 200 milligrams. They taste like grape juice. What's in those things?

Dog, I would give them an edible to eat and that to drink. Oh, COVID was a fun time. It's like a fucking edible. and fucking a drink. And also, like, I'll see you tomorrow. Where you going? Fuck you. I got shit to do, cuck, sucker.

And he lived across from a Bavarian hot dog place that was disgusting. Oh, weir-snitzel. It was weiner-snitzel on a frosty freeze across the street from a Popeye's. I can't tell you how many times it myself and other fat fucks would go from the Popeye's straight. Because you could go straight across four lines of lines of four lanes of traffic into the Wiener-Sintzell Frosty-Freeze line and get an ice cream. With the Popeyes, it was good. Oh, my God.

Where you at this week, beautiful? This week, Thursday through Saturday. I'm with Josh Wolf at Laugh, Boston. And then on Monday, the 13th, I'm at the grizzly pear in Midtown. You're beautiful. What time? Nine o'clock. Look at you.

Oh, yeah. Lee Lee from the Gazebe. Me, I will be at the dojo Thursday night of the clock doing a bucket show. I think there's a few tickets left. And then Philadelphia. on the 26 Parks Casino. The night before Thanksgiving, it'll be fucking insane.

That's it. Take it. We'll see you next week. Stay black. We love you. And don't forget about us, cock suckers.