The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - Breaking Bread with Lil' Mo Mozzarella

Episode Date: June 23, 2026

Lil' Mo Mozzarella, social media star and stand up comedian, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt on The Church of What's Happening Now. They talk everything from favorite food, Mo's story of being thrust into the spotlight and a nationwide tour, and the time Joey dosed Mo at The UFC.  SHOW NOTES Spend $5 to get 200 in rewards with code JOEY @ ⁠https://www.draftkings.com/mobileapps⁠ Buy 2 months of BlueChew Gold & get your 3rd month FREE when you use promo code JOEY @ ⁠http://BlueChew.com/⁠  

Kick this motherfucker, Neil Lee. What's up, beautiful people? Another fun-filled episode of the Church of What's Happening Now, New Testament. We got a guest tonight. You might recognize him. Little fucking Mo. And we got my main man, the Jewish hitman of love, Lee Syatt. What's happening, beautiful people?

I hope you all enjoyed your father's day and whatever else you had going on. But it's a whole new week. We got a week left. And then it's Fourth of July breather. So by this Friday, people are going to be brain dead. So don't bother. They're already gone. They're already brain dead.

What's up, little mo? How you doing? You know. Chilling? Yeah, talking to the mic. Testing one, two, three. You're looking good. You got the smooth shorts on.

I'm sure up. I got the socks, long socks. You know, I got this white shirt. This is a good one, Unicloaf. Now, I saw something the other day. You're going back to work. You got like a fucking vest on. Yeah, yeah.

What's all bullshit? Okay. All right. I don't know. We're back to work. Once I fucking got a fucking got to taste in on having to use tools. I'm not going back to work What kind of work did you do before standing?

I owned the heating air-kinship business My father And then I went to I actually went to school for engineering Believe it or not I left school at 14 And I went back at 30 My dad when he passed away

My father's my brother's a doctor And I was his fucking chem My father says You know, I want to see you You know, you could have been more So I went back to school for him And then I ended up getting a job Working in Engineering Department

In high-rise construction Okay And then the pandemic hit and I went broke belly up. Then I started doing this to keep myself seen, but I started making a couple of little dollars. You know what I'm saying? Like, I could pay my car.

Someone who gave me $500 to go to his place. And that's what happened. That's how it started. I bought a two-family house and got renovated it. And the building apartment shut me down. The same week, COVID hit. So have fun trying to get permits. Of course, I was in construction.

We fucking took the whole house down. You know what I mean? So we went to eat. We went to live in my grandmother's house with my son. And I was just like bugging out. So once they started saying all this shit about people going out of business, I didn't go there as a hero. I went there to see people, you know, that I like eating in their places.

And then the Fox 5 ran a story that was helping everybody. Then I started trying to help. But it really wasn't. That's what happened. And then I pollated into, kept trying to find ways to pivot. And, you know, I took a shot. Look at you know. How you're doing?

You're doing. I got people screaming how you doing. They told me Wendy Williams started it. Fuck, I never watched her in my life, Wendy Williams. He's all you can got. You don't seem like a Wendy Williams fan. No, I'm just saying. Joey from friends, he says it.

But you don't do it the same way. Everyone does everything. Who gives a fuck? Are you having a good time doing it? Yeah, I'm having fun. You know what I'm, what's weird for me? You know what's saying like you reap what you sell? I don't realize how much work I'm putting in.

And when I take a second to chill, I'm like, damn, like, I got all this shit going on. I got people coming up to me. Oh, you're doing so great. And I'm like just working. Working. Yeah, I feel like I'm just working. It's another day in a life for a guy like you. Were you doing, were you doing this at all and working a day job after COVID or by the time

COVID ended you were full time? When I first, when COVID stopped, maybe I was making $2,500 a month off it. So my boss was cool. he said, keep going, I don't care. But the employees start being scumbags. What I used to do is, let's say, I had a booking. I would tell the guys, you know, we had union workers. I would say, here's 500.

Boy, you guys, treat yourself. I'm going to run out and go do this, and I come back. Then I start feeling like I'm robbing my boss. So I went and had conversation from him. He said, look, take a shot. I think you're hilarious. Do what you got to do. Worst case you never, you ain't going to forget.

I wasn't a guy who got a job because I, I got a drug because I knew what I was doing. He said, you're not going to forget what you're doing. Go and see what happens. So that was it. And then I went back to work one time for a competitor that he said I could act like little moe. He don't give a fuck.

And I couldn't be on a construction site. Everybody, how you done? It just didn't work out. So that's it. Now I got to make it work, you know? Good for you. Besides your boss, you have any good people in your corner to tell you to stick with No.

Nah. No, my friends are crazy. My friends wouldn't even be on a fucking camera. They would call me a rat for being on a camera. I wasn't even allowed to take a picture of an officer. I got officers coming up there. Nobody wants. Nobody gets hurt.

They call me rat. These guys are shot. And then once I saw doing good, everybody wants me to go to a restaurant. I went to everybody. I'm done. I'm done. Now my phone rings. I got another number that I flip it over to you.

You can have two SIM cards. I flip it over. Call my phone would be off. But now, now I do. I got, I got an interesting group of people. Like, it's weird for me. Like, I feel like... You have an agent?

Like an agent. Yeah, I got an agent and manager. Who's your agent? William Morris. And the manager? And, um, Burlstein. Okay. Yeah.

Like an agent and manager. Um, listen, when I, it's funny because when I, when I first went out, like, whatever, the people that looked out or give me, is always people like a guy like you, like, you know, like you're a season guy. Say you're cool? I get people like that are cool. I think, and I'm like that too. I think if you, because some people, if they're bitter,

they're the ones that, you know what I'm trying to say? Anybody that you threaten. Right. Okay, that's what comics do. They feel threatened and you threaten them. Yeah. So they've been doing comedy 15 years. Yeah.

And you're saying, how you're doing? You know what I got a whole story bunny. You know what was crazy? I was watching Matt Rife, right? And I'm watching him and I'm saying, this kid's quick on his feet. But he don't have the swagger like we have. So in my head, I'm like, damn, man, I could fucking, somebody who's a little, a little fucking slick that could get away with

talking in black Spanish. I could say shit to everybody. I only had one person leave my show and I gave a hundred to totally get the fuck out of it. So like, what I'm saying is I said to myself, if you got a little flavor, like I watched him because we grew up quick on our feet, you know what I'm saying? And he's quick on his feet, but it's a different style. And that started embedded in my head. And then really what happened is I was hosting a wing eating contest in Buffalo was like

80,000 people. And I'm in front and I'm like, I get, I liven up from the crowd. Yeah. You got that. And I says to myself, I'm like, you know, I was looking to separate myself from the social media guys because I never felt like one. I came in as an adult. They're all kids. And I'm a type of person. If I do something with somebody on camera, then I hate them. I want to erase it from the world. So I, they just don't grow up like us. You know what I'm trying to say? Like, I'm old school. I grew up older guys. I was a younger guy. You're older than me, I grew up with my father, my uncle in the truck. Like, I've always been around older guys. like if you say something you're wrong

I don't have to prove you're wrong I just show you respect he's not Uncle Joe I'm gonna start a fucking argument for Right Who gives a fuck? Like I grew up if you're mad at me You don't say you're sorry

Like you can say you're sorry You'll push your plate of pots to me And then if I say something I don't fucking want it There's a problem But you get what I'm saying Like we grew up different These guys

So I just want to separate myself From all these guys So I was like fuck it I'm gonna try to do comedy I had brokered shit WVD didn't want to sign me at first with comedy. They were just wanting the social media thing. And then I brokered it that I got a comedy agent. My branding agent left. And my comedy agent took the lead and he was a cool dude.

He was like, yeah, fate to me. He's like, come on, you got to get out there. You got to do what you got to do. And really, what happened? I couldn't get time. Nobody wanted to give me time. So I took my own show. In Rodney's, you know Rodney's. I saw four shows out. I mean, and then what is it? you know. I was with an different manager at the time. And that was it. They started booking shit. We did 14 shows, sold them out. 14 went to 42. We did 38 sold out. Then I got 70 shows nationwide. And then they went, start slowing down. You know, I sold out some good ones. Hollywood improv I did on a Monday. That was good. But, you know, I had my shows I didn't sell. I had a lot of shows I lost money. I mean, you know the business. I went to Petaluma, California. Where the fuck is that?

I went to do some fucking It was a Masonic hole or something I'm being dead serious It really was It was like Live Nation God It was like this is Masonic Hall or something They put me in these fucking places The woman who like owned it

Like looked at me I'm so feels so bad You know we could have helped you sell tickets So why didn't you? They never did calming to places before I was like a test dummy They always like I'm the king of I go someplace and they're like every other show

We sell out I don't know what it is this way Yeah you know what I taught You should have been here last weekend. Every show. Oh my God, there were people on the feelings. You know, and then you're there, and they always give an excuse as a race in town. Yeah.

There's a family function. There's a fucking. Oh, this is crazy. Yeah, that's what they tell you. Oh, I don't sweat it. But last week, fuck. We were peeling people off this motherfucker. But this week, you got 46 people.

How about me? I didn't know they robbed you with the count. So, to me, I'm new to this shit. I'm pressing them. I says, let me see the fucking count. What are we talking about? I see,

because you don't know how I'll do. I do the math backwards. So it's got 300 people in the joint. I'm going to count them. I count the empty seeds. And I do the math. Right? So I go up to them.

I catch them all the time. It saw the way the business is. I did a place that I, they said they had 80 comps. They told me to give away. You gave 80 comps and those people all took the ticket? That's crazy. That's bullshit.

Of course. They gave dirty comps. I know. They got a wrap. Listen, brother, listen. Yeah. You've moved fast and you've moved quick. Take what they gave you.

You don't want us to be a problem. Yeah. If you know for a fact, pull them aside. In fact, don't even say nothing to them. Poor your agent on Monday. And then you'll know if he's on cahoots with them. Right. A lot of them in cahoots.

That's just the way life is. You know, you steer somebody. It's like everybody talks about the medical profession. What do you do? You give them, if you come in for a fucking, and toenail hang, they'll give you the same shit. This will work. At the end of the year, they get a trip to Hawaii.

You know? You know what's the new racket they do? Running your socials. That's the biggest racket going. Because, you know, people get good money to run your socials, right? These people get five, comedians paying $5,000. For what? To run your social network.

We don't talk about that here, bro. Oh, no? We're talking about life here. So, who gives a fuck about your socials, brother? No, I said it's a racket. That's the one I'm saying. No, no, no, no. That's the fucking idiots that never sold a nickel bag in their life.

They don't know how to fucking sting. You know, they don't know. And then you have to post all the time to find out your best times. You're signing with some guy doesn't know your trends. He doesn't know anything about you. He said, oh, you got 20 new people, which are all computers, Chinese people, dressed up as computers. You know, all that shit's a scam.

Stay away from it. Oh, you could buy people. I don't want to buy nobody. Then they do a video and there's no comments But they got 8 million people Come on man Come on You had to wake up early in the morning

And pull the fuck of a woman You got 8 million people with three comments And one of them was your grandmother Give me a fucking break Give me a fucking break And that's the problem With this business There's distractions

It's like your agent I guarantee calls you Fridays To give you a booking As soon as you land in the hotel Hey! We got it on because you don't have your book with you. You don't have your book with you. You don't have time to know where Toledo and Cleveland is.

So you book Toledo and it's an hour away. People are going to come and see you and go, we just saw you three weeks ago. God damn it. So these are all the things you got, they ain't going to tell you. And they ain't going to spoon feed you a good age. Half these agents today, bro,

are not the agents I started with. Okay? They're not. They don't give a fuck where you go. And they're on your side, oh, yeah, you're gonna do great. They don't give a fuck. They're throwing spaghetti against the wall. They got 11 guys on a Friday.

They throw spaghetti out. And then some guys sell out. And some guys, the club owner said there was a lot of people there last week. And this week, there was a race. Who gives a fuck? He just didn't sell a ticket, you know? And that's the problem that they have. Everything's a fucking smokescreen.

And everything, a comic like you write, and then, oh, you should be worrying about it. I was writing jokes. and getting on stage. Don't worry about the fucking socials. You do the best socials anyway. Why are you going to pay some white kid that went to Syracuse?

That's never eating some chick's asshole. You don't know none about life. But I'm telling you, we're not going to do anything for me. I'm not going to, see, she like, you've been down this road, you know, or you're giving me knowledge. If someone hasn't done something before, I would never take advice from him in anything.

Yeah. No. You're going to tell me how to put a boiler in? Yeah. No. It's like an old Italian sitting on a bucket. They used to come. I used to put boil with it.

What was that? He just got a little something. That's a little stuffed shell. You got a soft show? I had a soft show last night. I love stuff show. With the regatta. I love that.

I love with cheese on time. Money got, money got. But that's like when you get to L.A. What do you want to do? What do you want to act? Okay. We like you. Little Mo.

Now you got to get head shots. Well, I got a friend. No, no, no. We got a guy that's been in Life magazine. It's 800. And then they start with the, Hey, uh, Little Mo, I see you as a pizza guy, as a gangster, as a delivery driver. We want you to take headshots for all those.

So it's whatever, if you keep saying, yeah, it's like that chick that says, oh, fuck, you have to buy me a diamond. You know, I thought about it. I want two diamonds, and they keep raising it. You don't do nothing. I ain't doing nothing. I'm giving you one eye shot. And if you're real, because you're telling me, right?

They're all telling you how good they are. You'll make it work with a headshot. I had to manage it for three years. Never even had a headshot. Guy got me into fucking, so don't tell me your bullshit. You don't, they don't want to sell. They just want to send the headshot, and it's a miracle. Yo, listen, I don't know what you're doing for this movie,

but you got to take a look a little more, a little harder. They don't do that no more. It says on the breakdowns, no inquiries, please, and they believe that. They buy into that. That's crazy. Well, I was working on Wolfson's 15 years old. It doesn't matter. We don't buy into...

No, I'm saying, we could sell. I could sell. You gotta do. We don't buy into none of that shit. Get what you got for right now. But what about the photography next time? Once you make me money, you're telling me about all this money I'm gonna make.

And now you... I don't have that money right now. Let's just get the ball gone. Get on the fucking phone and call some people. And they don't. Well, we didn't get no... Well, you're not supposed to... What do you think the bird of happiness?

You open your do-dawnies right there with a check for you every fucking day. Oh, you got to get out of the house. You got to move the car. I do a thousand things. It's the same way. I haven't fucking lifted a finger for a tool. They whiten everything up.

Well, if you want to be like, you need to go find. I want to be like, I just want you to know that I'm trying to make money. I'm not going in there being. I don't know nobody. When you're going to the other day, you don't know anybody. You know how people go in. I'm a friend of George. I don't know about.

I don't know, but I don't want to know nobody. I'm here to do a fucking job to rock your world. Everything else? It's just, you know what I'm saying? And that's, you're green. So they're going to sell you. Oh, I'm fucking green. All that dumb shit.

You know, they're going to sell you all that shit. And you're going to go, no, not interested. It's been working for me this way. Why would I go to your four-year college stay? Yeah. You've never done none. You've maybe played the tuba in the sixth grade. That's all you've ever done.

And that's the problem that we have today. You have too many pots in the fucking thing. And nobody at the, end of the day, we don't know what's going on. Yes, you do. Wait, do you do live nation shows. You go to look at your tickets, and your tickets are $800 now, and you sell four of them. Do you get the balance of that?

No, goes to your union fees and shit. Yeah, nobody knows nothing. I didn't know nothing. Nobody, the agents, we don't know where that money goes. In Petal, a little minute, when I did in the Masonic War was a live nation. Yeah, since we don't know. Okay. Okay.

And that's how they are. So you got to hold a little piece. You always have an ace in your pocket. I'm always thinking way ahead of them. I always got an ace of my pocket. Yeah. And once you start working with the same aging, you learn. They're trying to fucking get you to work.

I'll tell you whatever you need to hear. It's a great room. It's like when people say to me, come look at the theater. Listen, I want to look at your fucking ugly theater. I don't care if Emma Ray did the show here. I don't care if Jimmy Hendricks played here. All I care about is that check. And it better be right.

Everything else I don't fall for. All the smoke and mirrors they want you. want you to fall for? I don't know nothing. It's a tough business. Very tough business. That's the toughest. Sticking to a modem and sticking by it. When I got clean from COVID, I was not doing any numbers. I was going to sell no ticket.

But everything changed. I went back to being me. And how I did business when I was a kid. And that's what started working for me. I didn't fall for that bullshit because I know none of it worked. What they want you to do? when I started, right, when I was selling all those shows, then I signed with a management company and I ended up going to do my second half. I told you the nationwide thing.

And I ended up using a company with the social meeting or what. My tickets went like this. Yeah. You know how I felt? I felt like they were almost like I told you so. My, you understand? You're my team. Imagine like, oh, you could, because with me, it's, it's one of them things that happened

so quick for me. It's like, if I pull it off, they're going to be like, he's smart. And if I fuck up, he'd be like, I knew. That's how I felt almost. So I ended up part in ways. But what I'm trying to say is, it's a tough business. For someone who comes from another business and I was making a few dollars, I didn't,

like in other words, I didn't get into the economy go, this is my last shot. This is what I got to do. Because I'll go somewhere else if I can't make a dollar. That's the way I am. I got three kids. You know what I mean? So that's my mentality. People say, I mean, why are you doing economy if you sent your passion?

And I said, because my father died with bone cancer. And he worked until he's dead. So my fall is up there laughing. Imagine you got these fucking people paying to go see you and you act like me. That's what you're saying. So, you know, I have the opportunity. So I work hard, though. Like I work fucking like an animal.

Well, this is that. Yeah. At the morning. Yeah. It's seven in the morning you're up looking at breakdowns. Yep. And then at nine you're writing. And you got to pull up with the kid through an hour and you got into it.

And you're saying something. You're talking about money a lot. Yeah. And stand up. You have to look at your, is it? There's no money. You've been blessed and you've been lucky that you're getting the cellhouse and stuff like that. But I want you to focus on what the focus is.

You being the funniest motherfucker, nothing else matters. Because at the end of the week, they can take your money away, they can take your wife away, they can't take your kids away. They can't take the funny from it unless they slash your fucking throat and take your tongue out. So that's the most important fucking thing. This thing's weird. Forget the social media. Forget all that shit comes and goes.

All that shit comes and goes. Watch social media. Who gets on your nerve every day? Me? No. Who gets on your fucking nerves on social media? It's 18 posts with nothing to say. Everything has to have a purpose.

A purpose. Every time he, those are a million dollars to me those posts. So they have... I can't go on there. Look at what I'm eating. Shut the fuck up. Shut the fuck up. Shut the fuck up.

Me and you do it to get a free meal and to get some clout. It's completely different. But to get, look, we're eating this is so healthy. I know. I don't like to be dressed up with the grandmas. People always, like, I love reading what social media is. Like Facebook, a way to connect.

I don't connect with nobody. We want to connect with. Somebody you can get along with in the eighth grade or freshman year. Who do you want to connect with? That whole thing is business. And that's where people got it. wrong. They go on there and post politics or my grandmother's sick.

Who gives a fucking a world? Yeah. Just, that's business. Whatever tool you have, whatever you do for a month for a living, there's a way to angle it with social media. Nobody's going to do it for you. You got to figure it out yourself. And after 14 months you go, oh shit, I got it. It's trial and error. Well, that company did what they did with you, what they do with everybody else. Yeah. And they get the same results. sells tickets with those pocket. I told me you got to be Bobby Fisher. Yeah.

Nobody sells tickets with those pews. When you started doing videos, was it planned or were you just recording yourself being? I didn't talk a shit about Dave Portnoy. Yeah? Yeah, because I said, I thought he was Irish. Okay. And I said, this guy's Irish talking about pizza. That's the mentality we had in my neighborhood, you know?

I says, I didn't go do, I'm going to go do that, but I'm going to, why should I just do pizza? I should do everything. That leaves and all this shit. But then it was funny. actually ran into him. Someone tells me, he says, hey, Mo, I was watching your videos with him. I was trying to talk. So I go, I'm in the Hamptons. My wife goes, the important was in there. So I burn into there, right? I go up to him. I think he knows me. What do you want to do?

How are you doing? He's looking at me like, I'm crazy, right? So then I text my friend. I said, you told me he's watching my fucking videos with me. He goes, no, he knows you. I bow right into him. He's coming back in the store. His glasses go flying. My ship falls over the floor. And he goes, who are you? And I says, oh, you know, I says, I kind of took what you did it and I make it a couple of dollars. He's like, you know, almost like it's a back end to compliment, you know? He says, you make it money? I says, yeah.

He said, all right. And that was it. That was made the important story. But that's how I started. Because I was seeing him go to these reviews. And I was like, oh, let me go. Now everybody does that. I can't even look at somebody doing it for what they hate it.

If someone reaches out and they want me, pay me, I'll do it. Or if it's a front. Listen, there's people paying up for money. Four grand. Yeah. You'd come to their restaurant. Yeah. That's insane.

That's... More money you make on a club. But you know what? I don't want to get into that business. Yeah. That's the problem. I don't want to get into that business. You do you.

You do you what? When did you start a stand-up? I'm curious. 91. 91. How were you? 28. 28.

I didn't get it from be famous or nothing. I just got into it so I could stay out of jail. You know? Two big differences here. Yeah, yeah. Your motivation. My motivation. I was away when I was a kid.

I went to adolescence. And that's a motivation to stay out of here. Yeah. So, you know, it's a different motivation. Yeah. When I was a kid, I went away young. And then I said, when I get old, I never want to go back. No.

You know? No, you learned. This is either going to be my life. Yeah. Well, I better do something. I got to do something to stay out of this fucking dumb because they got no Chinese restaurant. They got no cable TV. You know, they got nothing.

That's the second go to, no Chinese? What's your go-to food? Go to right now. You eat anything you want. Are you a fast food guy? You don't look like a fast food. No, it is. You eat good food like it's fast food.

That's what I do. Right? What's your thing? You like stuff shells? Yeah, but stuff shells just came back into my life about a month ago. They had begun for 40 fucking years. There's no way to get them. Nobody has them.

No. My friend has them on the menu with lobster meat. Oh, yeah. I've seen you talking about this. It's sick. The way you made it sound was crazy. It's sick. In fact, when I talked about it on Rogan,

I didn't know this. They had sold out Friday. When I went in on Tuesday to get them like Joey, we got to make them from scratch. Take your time. They sold out. Sold out. Sold out.

Because I know the dish is sensational. And I know you're not going to come back at me with some stupid fucking, guess what? Nobody else got them. You know what's good, no matter where I go, beef short rib. It's just something about it. You can't fuck it up.

I'm not. When you get older, you'll see. Meat doesn't hang. with you too much. When I get a 14-ounce steak, it's got to be fucking clean. Like, clean. Like, you'd be old jammed up. I went to get a steak there at one of my favorite places for lunch.

I said, let me get a 14-ounce. It looked like somebody's pussy, and they smashed it with a mallet. It had fat and fucking, it was unequal. It was fucking horrible, you know? You go to a nice place? And it's a nice place, but they just gave me a shitty piece of fucking meat. I went home. I was shitting blood.

Listen, my asshole is the test. It's like in the old days, people were, oh, we're going to test cocaine. Put it in the out. Listen, put it in my nose. I'll tell you within minutes how good this cocaine is. Okay. All got a big comeback.

Everybody's on cocaine. Yeah, but it's fucking crazy. But that's the same way I feel with meat that, you know, you want to buy lizard meat? There's tons of it available. You want to save four bucks on meat. There's tons of meat available. You know.

I don't even know. difference to all these different cows. Me neither. You don't eat the dog. Can you eat a bull? No. Wait a second. I think people eat bulls. No, I know, but I don't. No, but there's people eat it, right? I have no fucking idea. But is that beef, too? I have no. I can't understand all the shit.

Yeah, no. I don't know what difference between a lamb and a fucking gold. You know, you go for shrimp. You go for shrimp. You can have those little Katrina shrimp. Yeah, the ones they don't clean out, right? Or you get the nice prawns for yourself and your family. Yeah. And this is why I... You just worry about... You got sleep apnea? You got the machine? You put the one in your nose? I got the one for my mouth.

I tried the one of the nose. I felt like I was swallowing boggis. I do the whole fucking thing. 20 years now. 20 years. No drama. I got to use it more, right? Got to use it every night.

You're going to fucking die. You're going to fucking die. What the fuck? That's the way you got to look at. I know. I don't do it. That shit kills, motherfucker. It does.

So, you know, one of the... My tongue was dry. It makes your tongue dry, right? Makes your dick dry because you're not processing. So let's see. say you're on a diet, you're going to gain weight because you're not sleeping. You can be on the best diet fucking Johnny Sweeney rubbing your feet. If you don't get eight hours, you ain't going to fucking lose weight.

I use it. I used it. I used to it. That's little by little. One night, two hours. The next night, 2, 15, the next night, 2.30, and then you suffer. And then one day, you're going to get sick and tired of fall asleep behind the car. You're going to get sick and tired of feeling like I could do anything. and I still feel like shit. And that's when you go, you know what? Let me pay attention to this.

Because you're getting older, more. Yeah. If you were 23, I'd tell you, the snort Coke and not put the machine on. Like, I did. I never put the machine on. But you start waking up and you start feeling it at daytime. And it's the truth.

That shit kills motherfuckers. It kills a slow fucking needle. I think I had the same model in zero number or something. I seen you at the nose. I've seen you with it. It's everybody thought you were dying when they seen that thing.

Oh, no, no. That's the hospital. That was the hospital? I told you see battening a machine. No, when I went to get fucking surgery. You went knee surgery and gave you that? Yeah, that's what they put your nose for oxygen, brother. That's what everybody puts in your nose.

Even when I go to hyperbaric chamber, that's what they... You know, my favorite place to go, I swear, this is a shot. I think I learned this when I was away. I was a kid. I go to Sydney, MD all the time. Fermery, you know, when you go to infirmary? No. You don't went to the infirmary?

Yeah, but not... Like, you don't... When you get sick, you go there? Yeah. I used to get neurotic. I would go there and fucking, like, for attention or something. I don't know what it was. I swear to God.

I did half a bit in there. I go now to C.D. I go in there. They says, well, what are you hitting here for today? I said, I'm fucking sick. You wouldn't believe I'm only people coming here for attention. Yeah.

Won't you have a regular nice Italian doctor? No, I had one. I used to live upstairs from him. Then what the fuck happened? You can't do them in it. It takes so long and it gets into those blazes. Dude, it's... Give me a fucking...

Don't what happened to me now. What do you mean? I'm the boy who cried wolf. I hurt my knee. right? I hurt my name. So my whole family, my kid's 11, my wife, everybody makes fun of me that I'm sick all the time. My little daughter, she just got Mutsat. Munch houses or whatever. My wife said I gave it to, you know what munch houses is? No. That's what faggots have. Munch houses is like when you think you're sick and you're not. It's like a disease is.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. My kid's, my daughter's four years old. She comes walking. I can't go to school today. So anyway, my wife, I tore my meniscus. They thought I was lying. They're like literally like, I go, I expect. might have to do something. You do it. I got torniniscus. Yeah, all right. I went, torn meniscus. All right. Imagine? And he can't keep me and walking around fine. That kills by itself. You got one? I got like eight of them. They got yanked out, put back in. I got a hernied this. What do you got a? That's an old Italian thing to do. You got to be sicker? No, I don't know. It's like a one sick. You want to play that game? Call my wife. She'll play that game. She'll play that game. She remembers the flu from 2011. Oh, the flu. That year was bad. What are you talking about? I was sicker than my wife.

Shut the fuck. my wife took a Xanax and we were going to hospital she took true story my wife was like this you have kids yeah you know my wife's belly was this big it was the crazy thing ever seen in my life and i went to the doctor telling him she was giving me anxiety she'd give me a zanix so i'm looking at her she's like going to pop and i says i know i'm going to take this thing and she's gonna something's gonna happen i take it as soon as i knock out yeah i don't fuck up my water broke there's my first kid i didn't know i think in my head 23 hours i'm gonna be in there who are screaming in me like this This is crazy.

I went to sleep on the window cell. I remember. How many kids you got? I got three. How you done? I got two little ones, too. How old are I? I got 11 or 5 and a 4.

I got a 13. I'm 63. Model. So knock it the fuck off, my friend. I got an automatic death sentence. That's why I put that sleep apnea machine on. But the door is the best, no? Yeah, I get a long great one.

The best. You know, but still. My son's a painy ass. I love him, but he's crazy. They're all fucking painy ass at one point. Even though how much you love them. Doesn't matter. I saw the picture you put up yesterday for,

like putting her feet on your face? Oh yeah, for father's... Yeah, yeah. Jesus Christ. That's old pictures, man. That's what she used to climb all over me. When she was a kid, I was like a fucking...

Jungle Gym? No, the other thing, like amusement part. Oh, jeezing. I was like a fucking amusement part. Do you guys worry about... You're talking about eating. Do you guys worry about gout? That's going around now, and that's like...

It doesn't go around. Italian men usually get it. Because of the sauce, the acidic build- Does it really? It's like fat and... Yeah. You get from the meat. You tell me you got fucking gout over the phone.

I'll be limping into work tomorrow. Here's the thing that it's so funny because that's why I asked you a couple questions. Italian men, real Italian men. Yeah. 80%, you know, 100% Italian. At some point, they get two things. Either they get gout or their body can't process sauce.

Just can't do it. I have dear friends that you know, can't eat sauce no more. That's like killing an Italian. That's like killing an Italian. Can't eat sauce, you know? You get like heartburn from the sauce? Heart burn, they get really sick.

And then the other half is the gout, the acid from the tomatoes, which I don't get. I went to the physical Friday. She sold me everything. The fucking COVID for the shingles. I passed on all of them. Fuck it. I walk around like Jesus with wounds. You passed on all your fucking immunizations?

Like you just said? Yeah, I pass on everything. Gout, the only one I take this. He gives me hope. I swear to God. I'm looking at him. I don't know it's because I true that thing. And I'm going, you don't want, I can fucking do it.

I should give you hope, bro. You are. It's a truth. I should have been dead at 30. I know. I'm saying, you know, you went through a lot. I mean, you're here. You got to drink water.

You got to fucking relax. Water. Why aren't you taking the shots? Why aren't you taking the shots? What shots? I don't know. Whatever ones you turn down? You said you turned down like COVID and.

I don't want those things in my system, shingles. They keep finding out that it was some other bullshit. If not you take one, you got to take 18 of them. Let's lock. up now. They haven't had their best reputation. I don't want to have a fucking vaccine. Next the scene I'm allergic to penis. Like every other fag in my fucking, it's true. You walk in the radio station changes. Oh my God. You don't know what they give us. You don't know what they give. I don't what they give in. I was like a death stumbling. Who knows what they're giving these little babies,

you know? What babies? You know, when they're born now, they give you a string of fucking vaccines. And by the time the kid gets home, he can't sing. What's that? What are you got over there? He can't sling. What do you got? Nicotine go. I got the, to forget it. Relax. I know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. Those things taste like that. That thing was good you gave me for now. Because I remember last time I took it, I felt mint. I'm walking around, Gina, your sister, Jean.

I was pumped. And then I was it, lights out. This was nice. This is nice. Is this about as old going to go? It's going to go next. You could go any direction. You could put a thought in your mind.

Yeah, it's like acid. You know, it's like eating a meatball. That sausage with the cheese. You got two hits left at the house. You ever want to come down and take them? I took acid when was the kid, bro. Forget it. Mushrooms.

Mushroom? Everybody took acid. I was playing with a tin-four ball, right? And I molded it. Like, and the kid next to me goes, it looks like Mickey Mouse. I said, well, I looked down at doors a rat. I threw it out the window.

The window was closed. It bounced off the window. Landed up my life. I said, fucking crazy. That's like a real acid story, you know? What's happened, beautiful people? Uncle Joey here.

Listen up. The Cup has America by storm. And only draft kings has you full. covered, now available in all 50 states. The Draft King Sports app includes all markets. That's right. All markets. Chase the action all in one place with one app.

New Draft King customers. Again, new Draft King customers sign up with Code Joey, J-O-E-Y, spend five bucks to get $200 in rewards within 21 days. That's Code Joey. A-O-E-Y in partnership with Draft Kings where the crown is yours. Bet with D-K Sportsbook. Gambling problem? Call 1-800-Gambler.

1-800-M-E-RESHEC-N-RESH-N-RES-HEC-N-Y or text HOPEN-N-Y or visit CCPGG. On behalf of Boot Hill Casino in Kansas. Bet-Tex pass-through may apply in Illinois. 21 and over. Avoid in Ontario. Event contract trading with Draft King's predictions involves risk of loss. Sportsbook bonus bets expire in seven days.

$50 in predictions dollars issued weekly for three weeks. expire in one year. Deem one non-withdrawable reward. Availability varies. Predictions offer void in New York. Ends June 28. Terms at dkng.com.com. Hey, Uncle Joey here. Hey, it's summertime. You guys know that, but guess what? It's all about your dick game, all right? Blue-chew gold is here to make you feel like a fucking champion. Blue-chew gold is a four-on-one tablet, all right? Four-in-one, with a new formula designed to boost blood flow and arousal. You don't need that feather up your ass. no more. It's your recipe for peak performance when it matters the most, Jack. Listen, you take one of those blue chews, you think gets nice and purple. You know what I'm

saying? Like the helmet gets nice and fucking purple. It's screaming. If it could talk, that's what it would do. See why Blue Chew is the number one brand and erectile function. The process is 100% online and it's super simple. There's a reason Blue Chew is the number one brand for better sex. And look at me, even at 63, I'm getting it up like a fucking flagpole. Yeah. Experiencing yourself at bluechew.com. And we've got a special deal for church fans. You ready? Right now, when you buy two months of blue choo gold, which you're going to fucking love, you're going to get a third for free with promo code Joey. That's 90 days of slinging major league dick. They're going to send you up to Portland, Oregon, cut trees down with that fucking bingo pole.

you got you know what I'm saying? Black people are going to look at you and go what up because you also receive an additional 10% off plus free overnight shipping for your first order. That means if you're thinking about it right now, you'd be giving mama one of those good stabments right now tomorrow 24 hours away. Bluechoo.com for more details and important safety information as usual. I want to thank Blue Shoe for sponsoring the podcast and your bedroom. first let me try to ask it. About 13, 12. You were young.

Yeah. I think I might have been young too, like 15. I took heavy doses to see Apocalypse now. When I was 16. How crazy was it? Tremendous. You ever see it? No, I know what's the thing?

I never really watch it. You better get into it because it's a good. That's your fucking motherfucking man, Marlon Brand. He don't show up until the end, but he shows. He shows. He shows. Street card named Desire, remember? What's that?

Street card named Desire. called named Desire. The one when he fucks the chick. That dude destroyed his career and then brought it back to once. He didn't get a fuck. Yeah, he banged anything, too. He didn't give a fuck. He banged men, midget. He didn't care. Fucking women, fags.

He said, he went with everything. Remember when they said that he sucked Richard Pryor's dick? I could see every Italian man going to throw that DVD away. The Godfather's a fag. Did he really bowl? He said he did? He was like that guy, Keneglia. the one from fucking ancient Rome

he banged everybody whatever's Conigula Carnaglia That's Jimmy Carnaglia Let me take that back I think that from my keyboard Illegula It's fucking crazy how

People have no idea When this grips you Like comedy It just takes you And there's no stopping it Like I always think about this The day I came home Just to eat lunch and I was

I was married before when I was young When I first started coming When I got home when she goes, I gotta talk to you. I think it's time for us to separate. I think in her mind she thought I was gonna fall apart. But deep down inside I was like, thank God I could do comedy. I got this fucking Albatross off my neck. I mean, I missed my daughter and stuff.

I had a three-year-old that time a year and a half. That's what you thought right away, right? I didn't want, you know, when somebody, once you get hooked on comedy, it's very hard to unplug that, you know? And you start reading. And you start reading and you start, you know, I came up when there was no internet. There was no internet for the fucking comedy. You got to go to a video store or go to a library.

Good luck finding a book on comedy in the library. One that really helps you. Good luck. When you got into comedy, who was like the biggest names like at the time? Like, who was real big at that time? Roseanne had just hit. Rosanne had just blown up and I started in Denver. So I would hear about it a lot more.

Roseanne, Roseanne. What were going over there? That's why I lived for 13 years. Yeah. Yeah. By Comedy Works, they got over there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I started Comedy Works.

That's a good joint. Good joint. And it was, what was the question? Like, who was the big names at the time? It was Roseanne. The guys I knew that were big, well, I didn't know them. Like Felicia Michaels. There was, San Francisco was big because MTV had a shot of San Francisco.

Yo, MTV, whatever. So those San Francisco. Francisco comics was showcased a lot. But I like Lenny Clark from Boston. That was one of my favorites. And a guy that I spoke to yesterday, one of my mentors was a guy named Todd Jordan. I like Todd a lot.

We talk still, you know, 36 years later, he took me on the road with him to do a bunch of sororities, fraternities. We had like 18 one week and like 16 the other. Damn. And yeah, like he took me on a two weeks. Doing like two shows a night or something? All in Colorado and Greeley.

Nice. So, you know, that was, he schooled me in those weeks. That motherfucker used to school me and shit. And I had another guy, Rick Kearns, who, you know, he couldn't drive because he had 19 DUIs. So when you picked them up, I stopped in the liquor store. You know, and you went and he picked a big bottle of vodka, a little bottle of Gatorade. And he just mixed it. It was the whole bottle of vodka they put in there.

You know, and he's a big bottle of vodka. guys like they guided you you got an idea i liked rick because at the time rick took fifth place in the san francisco comedy competition and that's big in those times that's when it was hard to even place in san francisco and he was like this dirty kid from denver and went up there to take a fifth that's fucking big and todd the guy who schooled me was the hbo comic of the year in 1985 And this guy wrote, like, you just, his jokes were another level. And now he just writes for people. Like, he stopped doing stand-up as I started, like,

I think he's been out of stand-up for, like, 25 years. He just writes for people on a personal level. Like, all these single shows that you see, they have staff riders, they call Todd, and he writes for you. They don't know that you're paying them, but he writes for you. He's one of those guys. So I still talk. I want to answer to too is like, you know, I feel like when I was a kid,

like I grew up like watching the honeymoon. It's like that's the type of shit I grew up. Me too. It was funny. I remember I was in my age's office with all a bunch of agents and I was told about the honeymoons. This happened to me twice. It happened in my office.

You didn't know what he was talking about. They didn't know what he was talking about, right? Because I'm saying I like, they didn't know what I was talking about. And then when I was in L.A. for that Netflix crap, I was talking to Tony Inchcliff, he goes, I don't know the honeymoon is up. I said, what? He goes, I like the Golden Girls. I said, I like the Golden Girls, too.

But you don't know what the honeymoon is this? I couldn't believe that nobody knew what the honeymoon's was. I don't know if any of you guys seen a clip. There's a clip where Tom Seguer was on one of these Tom LaBastard shows that jerk off. And he got into like a mild argument, not really an argument. But he was saying that Tom, how can you be involved in this? And you never watched the office, something else, or something else. And I looked at the three shows.

He said, and I go, I could answer. that question. Because to me, they weren't big things in comedy. I think the office and Brexton Park, whatever that, those two shows were like, they had all the potential of being huge. Everybody in there, there were three art shows, you know, but they're not shows that they're going to stick with you for the rest of your life. You're going to watch an episode, the Sopranos still sticks with you today. There's every three days something happening. You're like, oh, shit, that's what Tony killed this one or something. You know, I don't think these other shows had that, like the honeymooners was my, what do you call that,

foundation. How old were you when the honeymooners was out? Eight. They got shot in 1951. Yeah. And they were black and white. I'm not saying the honeymooners is, like, the office is better than that. I'm not saying that at all.

But I was watching the office and like that stuff around like high school. So I think, I think it's just, you know, what you connect when you're young. guy with the mustache. That ain't funny. No those guys were funny. To you. The director. And the director calls cut. And they get to say that line again. They're not funny. That's funny characters on a sick turn.

The honeymooners was fucking improv. Improv. And it was something from a different level. Just all the levels of it. The way he did it. You know, when you watch The Out Couple, somebody was talking about the Out Couple the other night. But it's on every night at midnight, two episodes. I'm like, I didn't know that shit.

There's some episodes of The Out Couple. that would rock your world. I was watching Sanpenter's son. Me and my wife. I just thought why I was watching it once a night. I only watched Black and Wine. Those are the shows. Those are the blueprints

that other shows stole from. Other shows stole from. There are three episodes of the honeymooners that are written so fucking brilliantly that even after watching the episode a hundred times, you're like, God damn. I watch them all and all. The one with the $56,000 question?

Yeah. The one with the fucking money. When he inherits the fucking money, that's one of the funniest episodes of all time. The money on the boss, you don't mind? No, when he inherited the money and he made Norton 30% of his corporation. So Norton comes down with a suitcase next day, and he's like, what's that? He goes, how are you going to fit all the money? How are we going to bring back $11 million?

He's like, Norton, are you an idiot? Well, why don't you go upstairs and cut money up and see if it even fits? I'm way ahead of you. He had already cut $11 million. I'm about when he dressed up like the robot. Remember he made that outfit? So this is what I was getting at, because that was like,

I'm going to segue from there. There's why I'm answering it. When you come into a comedy that way that I came in, I think that I'm coming into a time in comedy, and this could be wrong. This is my opinion, where it's like, for some reason, people think like the only way comedy's done

is a particular way. And my question to you is, years ago when you had these guys doing, there was guys with different kind of acts, almost like Vorville type shit, right? When in his 70s, the 80s, I seen people, Sanford, he had his own show. Remember?

What was this show? You know what I'm told him out. Sample of the Sun? It's Red Fox. He had a Red Fox show. When you go, there was a comic, you probably, I don't know where he is. He was bald on the top of long hair.

It was a real popular in the 80s. Anyway, he was doing fucking things bringing out of a guitar box. He's bringing out shit. What I'm saying is. now in comedy they feel like I feel like when I talk to people

they make it like there's no there's none of that type of stuff like I heard someone talking who Seinfeld was talking with Sam and Sam and what's and what's name and they go

they were talking about people using a mic stand and saying there's a prop like that's not comedy if using the prop and what I'm trying to see for me I do all crazy shit but what I'm saying is

back in the day that's how comics were when did it get like where You don't do that. I don't see nobody doing shit like that no more. I use the mic, it doesn't move. Because that lets my hands be free to talk.

But do you get what I'm trying to say or no? No, I don't think it applies to what the fuck you're thinking. No? Because all I want you to do is do comedy. Don't listen to those jerkoffs. Yeah. Seinfeld's on a different level and he ain't going to give you no pointers anyway. Yeah, yeah.

If they do, they talk up in front of you. Yeah. It's not. What street guys? I talk to you how it is. Yeah. Put the fucking microphone down on your Italian. Move your hands.

Yeah. That's it. Or put a one piece like Janet Jackson. You could do that and look like a real fucking jack log. You know what I want you to consider this? All those episodes, $99,000 question. That one, there's another one. But when he had that thing, it could core an apple.

They were written by two people. And he said it. He goes, my shows were written by two pale Jews that did not get sunlight because they were such good writers. He goes, that would have to check on them and bring them like Jewish food and whiskey and shit. They would not leave that fucking apartment. They have, bro, his writing office was like a fucking, it wasn't in the studio. It was at a building.

He had them at a high-rise, nice building. Look at the end of Sinai Live. I got 25 riders. And it sucks. Not one time where you watch Sinai Live and even giggle. Oh, my God, that's a brilliant joke. I've caught in them dude. stock jokes before I had that life.

So, that's what I'm talking about. We just live in, they're all very white. Oh my God, I have this idea. Your idea sucks. Okay? The most exciting thing you ever did was go to the Macy's parade. I robbed the Macy's parade. That's a

difference between me and you. You have no sense of humor. If, you know, like De Niro says, oh, with the other, Pesci says, if you would have a heart, you'd be out stealing for a living, making a real living. But you don't. You're fucking playing something, make him believe you're a genius. The good thing about us that we get on stage two nights, two times a night,

six, seven times a week, and by six months, we'll improve. And 10 years is nothing. You'll be thinking, oh, 10 years, 20 years is nothing. Because if you talk to most of these guys, they've been around 20 fucking years, 25 years. 30 years a different level. You could just look at a room, see how you want to split in a half. You're like fucking a famous quarterback.

back, you know. But it's all experience. All out of the noise that they put in your head or try to put in your head, that's noise. When you get good enough, those agents come out of the woodwork. You don't have to send them shit. When you start, what I'm trying to say is when you start selling real tickets, they come out of the woodwork. They come out. The same people told you, no, you're too fat. No, you're too Italian. No, you're too sure. All those people, now you're like, ha ha ha, they laugh at your jokes. What are you coming? Coming to our club. And you could tell him you're a miserable fuck

or you could take that money. That's what I did. Because in the beginning, everybody was turning me down. No, he's too dirty. He's through this. You got headliders of the pussies that don't want to follow nothing.

I'm surprised when you're on the road, somebody goes, well, you shouldn't talk to the audience. A lot of guys don't like you talking to the audience. I was watching somebody recently. Steve Martin was talking about stand-up and he was saying that he never looked at nobody's face in the audience. He looks above that.

That's it. I don't look out of me, though. Really? I like him dark. That's why I love the comedy store. I don't know who's out there. I don't want to see nobody. You ever crack in a joke and you look up and your mother's looking around that? Yeah. That's the last thing you want to see. You don't want to see anybody's face.

I did a show. My mother grabbed the tickets in the city winery. So then she caught her the lulls and she realized I don't want it in the front row. She gave it to these kids. There were young kids. So me, I use a clock. I have a clock that counts down. You know, I know where I'm in my set. So it was funny.

So they forgot to put the clock. So the kid, the feature gave it to the kid they're giving it to me. They're playing hot potato with the clock. I'm on stage. It was like a fucking zista. Then I hit the kid with a sister joke. I made from his sister.

And the kid couldn't get over it, the whole show. It was like, fact, you, it's the fuck. Because I said his sister, pretty much was a whore. I said, she walks around and knee with a mouth open like a nutcracker. And the kid was like 16. You know, he was pissed.

But that kind of threw to show off. I didn't love that place. No me neither. You don't like it, right? Too big. It's weird. They have a curtain or something. They put it down on me.

Like, I felt like I was in the Apollo. Like, would I do something bad? They shut me down with the fucking curtain. I've been played offstage. Real? Oh, yeah. You what? I did a show at a casino in a bar,

and they had you on top of the bar behind, like, 10 feet back. They were doing like Charles Barkley impressions up front and then, like, weird, like 80s. jokes and they told me I had a certain amount of time and they cut it early and they just the DJs just started playing music and the guy doing the Charles Barkley impressions came back on stage. Oh yeah, it was but it was you know what's interesting is I did a show this weekend that like I was kind of bummed about it was one of the ones with like oh last week we had and even when I got there like oh we've had a lot of tickets sold and then it just not but I had like

45 minutes and I did I did about maybe 10 minutes of jokes like I just it was the first time where I wasn't like, like a couple years ago, I'd be like rehearsing my, my set list over and order, so, because they didn't want to forget. And this was one of the first times where I just was myself. And it's, I think you're talking about like what people aren't doing now. I think that's what people want to see is they want to see people just being themselves and not like doing a memorized set. Well, I think. For me, for me, like, I try not to talk to the crowd because that's all they want for me. So once I do that, it gets derailed.

So I'm learning how to like, you know, like, I'm learning how to like... And I don't answer them back either. You don't answer them. I don't answer them. I steam right right over. Speaking of Denver, you did that. Once you allow that first guy, you lost. I steamroll them.

Nobody asks questions. I asked the questions. Get the mic. You're the micstroth. If they talk, I don't even pay attention. I don't give a fuck about it. I don't. I don't.

I don't. Because there's 800 other people in that fucking room. I'm not worried about these two fucking humps. It is. It's weird. And then if you turn around and throw them out and get into an argument, now you're the bad guy. It's tough to recover from that.

Yeah. So I'd rather you steamroll them. And at the end of the show, 10 minutes in, that's where you could say, you haven't shut the fuck up one time, you cock sucker. And you'll see the people around them start clapping. But if you do that in the 20-minute mark,

now you've got to do 40 minutes with that box. that you just put out there. So it's very tricky. Steamroll them. I don't know. I don't care. I don't want to know what you got to say, guy. You paid money to see me, not to talk. You want to talk. You should have got on your grandmother's house. Then afterward, you get them and you clock them, you know. It's interesting how, like, a see could get in your head. Like, I've had that happen. Like, where, like, I remember I did all but he did a funny bone, and you can only hear the mic audio, but not the crowd. You ever get in a room like that? So the kid before me,

I says, oh my God, this kid's fucking bombing. I didn't hit one lamp. I said, I got to go out after this. And then you got to walk through like a mall to get to the fucking place. I walked through, the crowd's going fucking crazy. I was so mad, though, because I'm listening to the kid who had to be, and he's doing a lot of politics shit,

you know? I don't really love the politics shit. And then besides that, I don't want, he was blasting the crowd. So now when I go out, you know, they want, like they're a little, if I say something silly, I'd small. But now he has fucking telling the guy.

He looks like a molester. and this and that, you know what I mean? So he's calling him molester. I'm telling the guy he's glacial fog and get winter wipers. It's different, you know? So I went out to this fucking thing. And what I'm trying to say is they planted the seat in my head. And I was like all fucked up.

I had to like tell the crowd like I got to sit down for a minute. All right, Mo. And it got even worse. This fucking one girl, she's a good-looking girl. She's with these guys. This happens to me all the time. A guy is a fan and he brings a girl like on a date. Like, you don't bring a date to a little Mo show.

That's not what you do. because she ain't going to like me and I got to look at her face. That's why you have a female opener to give something to the women. It's a lot to travel with a female opener. It's hard to travel with a female opener. You got to put them in this and that.

You put them in respect. No, I know, but there's a lot of these shows I'm doing, they're little, you know? What do you mean they're little? I'm saying, some of these shows that you're making cock. You don't try to say. I got to learn that navigate it.

But listen, I learned from that, but what I'm saying is it got stupid. The girl got thrown out. These fucking people that come to my show after the show, They're all girls that buy them. My boyfriend really was a fan. So I bought him a ticket.

So that's why you put a woman there. You want dates. You're just saying this online open. Now bitches are going to go a little more than want us at the show. I want everybody at the show. Midgets, magicians. No chick's going to like you, Mo. You think a woman likes me when I'm talking about the shit I talk about?

But you do it with a smile on your face to the best that you can. But you have a female to give the women. Oh, my God. It's such a treat. And that's it. No, shut the fuck up. The rest of the night. You give me a chocolate martini.

And they're done. Spursal martini is nice. Yeah, whatever the fuck. But forbid you fuck. It serves them in here. But no. What I'm saying to you is that there's a strategy for everything. Like, this is, you'll learn this throughout the years.

There's a strategy for everything. And this, it's like betting. I don't know. You gamble? I just actually stopped. Okay. So recently. Eight weeks.

The problem is where gambling is. is that you're always going to lose. But if you know certain little things or, you know, listen, Pete Rose lost. Michael Jordan lost. Bet himself. You can't pick them. Nobody could pick them.

You're going to end up getting your dick sucks. No. I always fucking say money since 2009. But there's things you can do to enhance you. That's the same thing with stand up. There's pure talent and then there's the 10% talent that you've got to pull out of the year. That's what makes it special.

that's what I make people buy those tickets. Okay, you got half that formula going. You're getting them in there. A lot of people have to do comedy 20 years before they learn how to get somebody in there. You've already covered that. Now you've got to realize how you're going to keep them. Now you've got to build off. I never been to, this is my first time going to the same clubs.

I'm talking about that I headlined. You know, so I don't know. Last time you were at these clubs. I don't want you at a club. 18 months. Ah, yeah, it's been a year. 18 months. 18 months.

You want to give yourself time to grow. Yeah. The agents will put you... He sold a lot of tickets. When do you want to go back? Then they push you back and they give you New Year's, go back the fourth time. They're saying your material. You lost.

Yeah. I'm 18 months. When I used to live in California, I do New York one year and Jersey the other. Never both of them. I don't give a fuck what the offer is. I'm sticking to these guns. Because they're like that, you don't want people going to you. That joke you did?

I loved it when you did it last time. You just lost. 18 months, nothing interesting happened to you. In 18 months, you couldn't change your pocket material. I'm very surprised for me, like, how many people do the same 10 minutes all the time. Never change it. Well, then you'll see why after four shows, nobody comes to them. Because something happens in your life every day.

My favorite jokes that I use all the time. My whole set is created from something on the way to a club that, like, I think of, like, I could sit with a pen and do all that bullshit. But if I think of something on the way, like I was in, what's it called? What the fuck is that city? Phoenix. I was in Phoenix, right? Arizona, the improv, whatever.

And I went there and I was just talking about tumbleweed and coyotes and all this bullshit. And I went out there, you know, and that's what I talked about, right? But then I applied it in Texas. You know what I'm saying? Same joke. Same type of thing. The first time you did stand up, were you doing like a headliner like 30, 45 minutes? No, the first time I did stand up this guy, you know, Modi, the Jewish guy,

Modi, Modi put me on stage of holes for him. Nice. So I did a bunch of Holston before. And then when I did my, and then I did spots, but I was hard for me to get spots because I already had a following. So the deal was, we'll give you a spot, but you got to promote it. So I was like, well, how am I going to practice comedy? I'm going to make myself like an idiot.

So I can't have my hands. I ask because it's like, I don't think, the comics, are watching, understand, but to the other people who are listening, like, the first time you go up, like, to do three minutes is hard. Like, to, like, to go, to go from zero to doing 30, whatever you're 45, whatever you're doing. I was doing an hour in 10 sometimes. I was trying to get practice. I says, I was in these places with 10 people. I says, if they're going to kick me off the mic, I'm going to keep going. You know, so that's what I was doing. You know? I stopped drinking, though, on shows.

I can't do it. I can't do it. I didn't do it a lot, but I did do it where it got stupid. I don't want you to get confused. Look at comics that drink on stage to be cute and look at the alcoholics. Not just alcoholics don't drink on stage. The comics that want to be cute.

Who's drinking tonight? No, it's dumb. It's stupid because he... Who's drinking tequila tonight? You know, and a bunch of girls, you can get the fuck up. Shut the time. Fuck up.

It's not laughter. You're just cheery. Who's drinking tequila tonight? Who isn't? It's Friday night. How about the guys that eat like they go on a lecture chair in the room? When they order? When you order in the back in the green room?

This guy's eating like they're going to letcher shit. Fuck it down. They haven't eaten in three days. That's what it is. You know, they're young comics, man. This is it. You're looking to take something to go too. You know what I'm saying?

Yeah. You know what I eat? They're like potato skins. You see those motherfuckers and shit. Yeah, you're gonna sleep. It's nice. It's Kirkland. And some of these towns you go to,

there ain't nothing after 10 o'clock. All the guy's Taco Bo, bro, bro. Nothing after 10 o'clock. Taco Bo, right? Fucking poison pizza. The fucking idiot people. What's that? Domino.

Some chicken cheese is. You know, that's all you got. So if you can steal a cheeseburger or a bag of chips. I'm not going to lie. I had a fucking blast on tour. I had a blast. I had a blast. That's what tour's before.

It was fucking great. That's what towards the floor. It never be like that again. Yes, it will. They get better. They get better. They get better. They get better.

You find you quick. Yeah. That's what it is. This is a journey, brother. Yeah. This is a journey. This is a fucking journey. You ever do something just for the journey?

I do it every day. I remember the first time I got in trouble when I was a kid. I did it for the journey. I had two of my friends got in trouble. I was there. And then he says, oh, well, he's all there. I went through the system to hang with them. Is that sick and head?

Yeah. I did it. Yeah. Good story. Not really. Not happened to me. No, I'm just teasing. They threw milk at me.

No, but I'm just trying to say. Like, I'm one of them guys. Like, I'm into the adventure. See, right now, like, whatever. I says, I want that gummy. Give me the gummy. I want to go on an adventure. Why not?

Why not? When I was with you that day. Now, you know what was so funny? Didn't even hesitate. I told everybody. I gave you props. Because most people look at it and take. I'll do this next time.

Shut the fucking. fucking thing. How you don't? Give me, we're your faggots here. Give me that fucking thing. Listen, was that a little bitch at the other night? Yeah. You didn't know where you were, brother. You know when I found out what I did?

Watch your part. And you go, you're never going to believe this story. I've one pocket the other, Donald Trump. Listen, I think he checked my fucking neck. He mighter. There was so many people in that suite. We don't know who was. I think Tyson chest.

Somebody see if I was alive. And I remember going, they go, you good? I said, no. And then I had bottles. water. You weren't here for this? No, I wasn't got the fuck out of it. I'm watching the place. Listen, I was pouring bottles of water on my head, reaching for the sky.

I swear to God, this is what was working for me. Ready? I don't know. Tap of my leg was making anxiety go away. It was crazy. You ever seen people of anxiety and do that? It works. I hate people. I didn't fucking see you. I gave me an able. I never went out. I ate and I sat in my fucking chair.

And at the end of the night, the guy goes, we're going to be ready in five minutes. And I go, let me get something to eat on the way home so I don't get hungry and pull a water. I walk in and people like, little Mo's looking for you. And I go, where is he? I didn't see him at the fight. He's on the couch. I didn't watch one. The kids that brought me there was so mortified that the way I was like that, like embarrassing. You know, I had to say, I was sorry. It was crazy. But I said, where is he? Someone goes, you should tell that story on a podcast one day. You're going to tell Joey. And look at this. And he's fucking laying on the thing. He goes,

Joey Diaz and he went to get up, bro. Turned around. I have it on video. He was pale like that shirt. And he goes, what was in that? And I don't know what I saw. And also slowly, he just went back into his position. I finished my little steak, whatever the fuck I was eating.

And I got on the thing. The next thing. Wait, you sat in the romanated steak with him when he was on the couch, passed out. No, no, no, I was eating a standing up. I told you the video today. I didn't know he was eating. I didn't know he was eating. You know what I can see him from here.

I was talking bad that night. You feel bad? Yeah, I felt really bad because I thought you were professional I thought you just ate one for the sake of eating one. I don't want that to happen to you. No, let me tell you what happened. I seen you.

You said, hey, Beau, whatever. You gave me a compliment, you know, whatever. You're Joey dear. You don't know who you are. You're a legend. That don't mean shit. You know you're a legend, man. No.

Well, you were a legend that night to me. And then I says, oh, shit, I'm going to go watch the fight with Joe. We're going to break balls. I had this whole event in my head. I take the thing you disappeared. I didn't even see you. And all of a sudden, I'm fucking.

souls coming out of my body, you know? It was crazy. Then I had these kids taking pictures of me. I'm fucking, I didn't know what to do. The happy dad kids, they would take a picture of me. She's these motherfuckers. Then we had, who else was there? The football players, all the Eagles were there, remember?

Yeah, a bunch of guys. I was like to laugh at a fucking way. They were laughing. I was laughing at me. I shut the fuck up. And Tyson might have been there. Everybody was there. I didn't make it out.

I have the video. Uncle Joe, you know what? listen. And look at full circle. I'm here. It was ABX. Those are the tablets of death. That's like asking you to headline Madison Square Garden the first time you took animals. Nothing. What was that? That's a vampire. What's the fuck? No, that's cousins to the vampire, the werewolf.

Is that what you call? Yeah, that this one. But you think it may be just didn't get me yet. How big of an ABX do you give him? I gave him like a little piece of yours. I don't know, the ABX. What? At the UFC. I told you. I had 50s. And I had hundreds.

And I put them in this pocket. And I go, oh, shit. I'm mixing these motherfuckers. Those are good. Dude, starting with an avi. Was that your first edible ever? And I just gave him what was in my pocket. Trust me.

I took like eight of them and myself. I know you did. You took that name. Look, I eat those motherfuckers all day long. See, like that's, he doesn't do it with malintent in his heart. Tomorrow night. Tomorrow I'll go deeper. I don't give a fuck you did that.

That was cool. But he does, you do love it. When there's a new person to dose? Oh, when you went to do somebody to the world? Yeah, when there's a new person to send to the devil. I'm always on a million. So this is just like, you know, it's kind of like, even though I'm still hyper.

You were wide when you walked in there. I got to slow this motherfucker down. I don't know if you drink booze, but I know that'll get you. I had no weeds, so I'm just happy you showed up, Mo. Oh, come on, what are you crazy? I'm happy you invited me. No, I don't get invited on a podcast.

No. I don't go to any. No, but I'm happy you came. You came from Brooklyn? No, Queens. I live in Queens. Yeah. Yeah, I said something about Staten Island.

He got mad at me the other. Yeah, because, you know, when we live in Queens, the other side of Brooklyn. You know, and it's like a lot of people can't tell the difference, you know, like, they'll be like, oh, you're from, you know, they think you're from Bensonhurst or Bay Ridge. We're by Nicarbacca. We're on the other side. They used to call Nicarbacca Italians. We're on the other side of Brooklyn. So you go Greenpoint, Williamsburg, and then you go into Queens and go over to Costco Bridge.

You know what Costco Bridge? Yeah, yeah. It's right there. I don't fucking no shit. The green fucking bridge. I just moved back after 30 years. I don't know nothing. Oh, you don't know nothing.

Nothing. You got a website, Tarzan? Yeah, little more mozzarella.com. And that's where your dates are and everything. Yeah, I'm going to be going on October 2nd, went back on the road. Major problems in naming the tour. I got to show you to fly. Where are you starting the tour?

I'm going to start. I think of Pittsburgh. All right, that's a good place to start. Yeah, yeah, I'm starting. W.C. Fields went there. W.C. Fields went to Pittsburgh. They said it was closed. Pittsburgh.

They're like beast of girls, don't, all right? They're like bears. Big people. Listen, they got beautiful people. No, they're big people, but. Gives a fuck. Steel. They're beautiful.

They come to your shows. They're yelling and scream. They're good people. What's your favorite? Top three. Just top three off your head. Top three cities. It changes.

Throw something out there. It sounds good. I like Houston as a comedy scene. Yo. Fuck. The best. The best. Texas is the best coming.

Houston's got some of the best food in the country. You know that, right? The food. I love it. They got the best food. I'm going to give you a sleeper and you're going to know about it. I went to a sleeper and was it Virginia. So, wait, I mean, Richmond, Virginia.

I did a comedy show there. And then I was in this like town. It was nice. It was like, almost like, I don't know, just like a nice dayboard. It was fucking great. I had Airbnb. I love it. Rich, I'm going to find out.

Richmond, Virginia. Hold on. How do we go from Texas to Richmond, Virginia? I've talked about another place I like. Oh, no. Richmond is a very. I know my three places that were the worst. What's on?

Portland. Colorado had some dingy spots. but I liked the club, but where I was. And Seattle was weird. Seattle got weird. It was like devil worshipers and shit. You know about this? Oh my God.

He lived there too. I lived there too. I got into it for a second. I stopped talking to people. This girl's telling me she's an artist. I'm looking at her shit. What was it tonight? He says, this is fucking art.

It's dark. Show me shit. People's hearts getting ripped out. I said, what the fuck? What the fuck is this shit? You know? And then you know what she says? She goes, how long are you guys out of here for?

I mean, she goes, you think this is weird? Wait. So wait what? Wait. She wanted to tell me, I got petrified. I'm weird like that. I've run right through a wall. Listen, there's some parts of the country

are going to agree with you. And some parts, they're going to go there, and the club owners, and they're going on your murder or something. You know, I've liked everywhere. Dallas is nice too now. Dallas is very nice too. A lot big,

so you kind of lose control. You know what I'm saying. But Houston was fun. I love text. I was telling my wife that. They served beer after two at serve. How about Utah? That's got to be weird. Utah's great.

It's funny because I, you know, Utah, you can marry 13. Right? No, but I was going, I was in a, I was in a airport. Did he book you for this tour? No. This store I'm only doing Northeast. That's a good club. That's a good club.

I'm doing northeast. Like, I'm going Buffalo, Albany, Syracuse, Boston, Philly. I'm doing, that's my thing. Toronto. I'll do Toronto. I like Canada. Canada's good. You like Canada?

You can't go? No. Guess what? Guess who else couldn't go? Who? Me. Good. And I got there.

I pulled a hang. Don't he called a shake and bake. They don't bother me. I think after a certain amount of time you could go. Because I got in trouble over 20 years ago. I go. They'll find my record. Your record is.

But there's a lot of clubs in the like I like Utah. That's a great club. Wise guys is great. A great job. Wise guys is great. Way's guys is great. That's a great club. That's the one in Vegas.

I just talked to the girl. Last two days ago, I just checked him with Caitlin. I go, how are you doing? When are you coming back? So, It's in case you need something. Oh, no, she's in Utah. You go on the Portland.

Forget about it. I'm excited. I haven't done them yet. I've heard all the good thing. You're excited? Yeah. I can't wait. For a headline.

There's a lot of drugs. A lot of drugs. Perfect. And if you're getting in Airbnb, it throws you off because you look how nice it looks and you don't realize that they're building a nice place in a shithole. I got a fucking place that was sick. I get over there. You don't go outside.

They'll rob you everything. They make meth in there. You know, let me tell you something. One thing. I know, you want to write a lot. it up and I don't shut the fuck up. But I'm going to tell you this much. MET, right?

If you're going to go do meth, you've got to have a punch list. No? Like this shit I got to do on MET, no? To do MET. And this is other things weird to me in Portland, right? Where we come from, the bums, they dance for money. They'll wash your windows. They just go like the, uh, oh, yeah.

They don't do anything. They're just zombies. I'm used to LAM. You look at a zombie on MET, like that. That's, you ever see Michael Jackson? Yeah. Thriller, yeah. That's what it looks like.

Am I right or wrong? Who's that Seattle? Both. I'll stay in whatever hotel is closest to the club. I don't care. Whatever they're putting me in. All right. So what's the website, Tarzan?

Littlemoremuncerol.com. L-I-L, not L-I-T-L-T-L-E. W-W-W-Mach-Machau. Where are you at this weekend? I'm at nowhere. Oh, yeah. I'm going to Hamptons. I'm going to be in the Hamptons, June 24th,

the clubhouse in East Hampton. Where are you at this week, Tharze? The 27th, I'm at Laf Patriot. plays in Foxborough Mass. Very excited. You're going to Boston this weekend? Just for Saturday. Me, I'm at Brooklyn.

Wednesday. Wednesday, and then the 8th and the 15th. And then we're headed to fucking AC, the Oceans, casino, motherfucker. But you know what, guys? Have a great week. Thank you for coming back again. And we'll see you next Monday for the 4th of July.