The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - Chaos

Episode Date: February 10, 2026

Livin' like doctors! Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt talk about their trip to Atlanta, puking on private jets, what changed Joey's entire outlook on touring, why being vulnerable on podcasts is so important to them and much more! SHOW NOTES Get 10% off your first month of BlueChew Gold w/ code JOEY @ http://BlueChew.com/ Support the show & support your mental health. Sign up & get 10% off at https://www.betterhelp.com/DIAZ  

Kick this motherfucker, Neil Lee. What's happened, beautiful people? It's Tuesday, the 10th of February. The Church of What's Happening Now, new edition is here and ready to rock. I got my Jewish sidekick fucking Cato, and we're ready for another fun-filled episode of the Church of What's Happening Now.

What up, Mook? I'm doing good, dude. It was a fun weekend. Oh, bro, you know how we do it. I tried to tell, listen, I had to change everything around to put a, what's that trying to frown around turn that frown upside down

turn that frown upside down oh yeah that's it we ain't got no time to bleed no more we're on a different fucking level I'm an old man I'm 10 days away from being 63 years old I ain't got time to bleed wow so if you think I'm gonna wake up

and walk around Super Bowl Sunday with bandanas at the airport like a fucking idiot at 5 in the morning and risk it we don't play that we call Titan aviation we cut a fucking nice deal with them Joe takes care of us like a fucking doctor

and we go I mean we were gone 12 hours That was crazy To be to be Leaving leaving your house Go to Atlanta Do a show And come right back

And come back I didn't It was the only time I've ever gone on a flight I didn't bring nothing Nothing It was like Oscar Madison He brought a pair of socks on a toothbrush Not even that

That was it I brought a pair of headphones and a lint roller. He brought a lint roller and a fucking shirt, this motherfucker. Oh, yeah. A lint roller. I don't know how what you guys do at your house. We have one cat and I have to have a lind roller with me. I don't know where this fur comes from.

But it was, dude, that was allowed. And then it showed me because like I go to, I do a lot of clubs. I'm very happy to do them. But like if the person who, who's bringing me, doesn't get me a hotel. I'm lucky to get like a hundred bucks towards the hotel staying. I say in Reno,

I stayed at the club owner's apartment when he was there. That guy's a fucking mooch anyway. I stayed on people's couches. And then this guy, we're literally in Atlanta for six. I thought we were going to like go see a movie, go go have some dinner,

something. They got, and it wasn't even just like a holiday inn. they got us like St. Regis. It was one of the nicest hotels. We walked in there was a chick

playing the harp. Yeah. And Lee got all nervous. Lee was looking around. And I go, Lee, she's playing a fucking harp. But Lee was nervous because they heard the harp

before they went into the Holocaust. That's the last thing they heard. Come to a party at the St. Regis. Three Jewish chicks playing a fucking mandolin. And all of something they're putting in an oven. What a fucking night man. That's what it's all like.

What a fucking nightmare. Oh my God. And they were so. nice, but I haven't seen, I don't think I've ever seen anyone play a harp. I thought it was like maybe like they had, like, you know how they have the piano with the machine that will play the piano for you? I thought it was just like maybe a harp with that

attached to it. That was someone's whole job for like eight hours a day. She just plays the harp in the hotel. Everyone was wearing tuxios. Oh yeah. She was union. She was getting big money. She has a 401k as a harp player. Fuck yeah. And then all. I only see a harp player in my dreams.

When he comes down, he plays the harp, Joey. But we're skipping ahead. And I have to apologize. I feel bad. I've had a problem my whole life. When I get nervous, I giggle. And if I try to hold it in,

it only gets worse. Everything was fine. We were doing okay. And on the way into Atlanta, like they started to land and then just didn't, like we didn't even, I think we touched for a second. And then we went right back up.

And you were cool. You were cool. And then you got great. Like, give me the, I thought you wanted. another piece of a sandwich? No, fuck, I'm about the bar. I'm like, give me the sand.

Give me the bag. And he gives me with the sandwich. He goes, Lee, take it out. I got a barf. He was, oh. And he's like putting shit around. He gives me the fucking bag. It's half broken.

Like, listen, man, I have, you know, I could take so much before I fucking want to faint. And my faints aren't like anybody else's faints. I get hot first. Then I start sweating. Then I warn you one time. I'm going down. I'm going down.

I'll warn you. I don't surprise people. Listen, I'm going down. You'll see it. When you see me saying it to you, you're going down. You'll go, he has no color in his face. You were pale. When I got to the, when we landed and I went to the back to wash my hand and they

get the puke off my neck. Fucking, I looked in the mirror. I looked like a ghost. It was just eyes and white hair. I was like, oh, my God. And meanwhile, as we were leaving the house, your wife, He said, keep him safe. I'm like, oh, what's going to happen?

And literally as soon as we, I thought you were going to have to cancel the show. Let me tell you what happened. I'm going to tell you what happened. We had this discussion here about chicken cullets about three months ago. That when you go to a deli now and you get chicken cullets, that freezer burn, I had, look, I came from a Cuban house. Everything has freezer burn. I'm talking about the lid on the soda as you're drinking it.

You could smell the garlic and the shit from this cuban. and steak. Oh, yeah. It's not happening. And that bugs you? It's not happening. I don't like fucking freezer burn. People don't put the ice cream back on

and that thing comes on the top. I throw it away. Next time my daughter, where's the ice cream? threw it away. You didn't put the fucking lid on it. It gets all shitty with ice cube. And it tastes like fucking,

you know, like a banana. Like my wife had bananas in the refrigerator to make banana bread. Right. So now everything smells like a fucking banana. Throw those fucking bananas out of right. Get those fucking old bananas out of my house. I hate fucking old bananas.

That's how you make banana. I don't give a fuck. Hide them in the cellar and bust them out when it's time. I don't want to. They smell weird. It's just once a banana passes that that three days, that mushy, that blackness, I can't even eat them. Like I open up in the banana. I see a black spot.

I got to break the banana around. Some bananas, I just eat like three ounces of it. I throw it away. Once the black spot, I don't touch it under that. No. I just don't like it. Do you gag? I used to gag on it.

All that shit makes me gag. So I'm eating the sandwich because we got so fucking stone. I bought an eighth of this 46% Cetiva, which really knocks you out of your fucking bird. That was 46%? Oh, fuck, yeah. It was gunpowder.

It was mixed with this and that. Fucking black toenails and that, everything in it. And let me tell you something. You should have seen his face when we let both of us. I was high as I got down there. All I can think about was that chicken colored sandwich. And, I mean, Titan Aviation does a great job. Yeah.

And it's not their fault. They got the sandwiches. It's just that freezer. So when I go, Lee, give me that bag. He gave me the bag. He just took the sandwich out. I could smell the freezer burn in the bag. And now I'm puking it.

And my vomit smells like freezer burn. And I'm getting hotter and hotter. And I got a jacket, a fucking sweatshirt, a fucking draft king's heavy-duty protection, like an... Yeah, because it was three degrees out. It was three fucking degrees. I brought a walk from the thing to the airplane. Most people

They just said, it's over. Give me the money. No, no, I'm not doing this. We got out of that fucking plan. It was brutal. We walked 10 feet. You get in the car, you touch your pants. And your fucking hands, the fucking icicles.

Oh, it was terrible. It was brutal. But the puke was great. And I'm puking. And this motherfucker is giggling like a faggot. I'm like, giggle. I'm like, and finally I stopped. And then I go out.

And the plane, everybody wants to talk to me up close. I'm hitting everybody with vomit breath. I was. I was the flight. I was, fuck. You see I'm turning green around the gills. I would have loved to have seen what the pilots,

because you told them you got sick. I don't think they knew because, oh, because I've had that happen before. I had an ex who got, like, motion sickness, and we were on a plane once,

and they had a puke bag, but what they don't tell you about a puke bag is it's paper that has a little plastic inside, and then it leaks. No shit. It started to leak on me. So you were puking, and it was,

making every noise that you like would think of puke would make and I was trying to hold it with my whole life you're like oh god and it was I was just sitting there and I what I know what I've taught myself to do is I try to release pressure like I'm like I try to blow it out because like no one wants

to get laughed at but like once my mom was choking on typhoon I was laughing in her face that was great but I just I wasn't mad at you that you're looking oh no I know you were mad at but I felt bad but holy shit to puke because those planes and it's great this is not a complaint at all. Flying private is one of the coolest things I've ever done but it's a small plane and that the wind

it just throws it around a little bit. The turbulence was on fire on the way down dog. I kept it together for an hour and a half. Oh because once we get up, we're fine. I lost it when the plane touched and it went like fucking dog there were times I was looking at the phone and the plane would drop

and the phone would just stay in the air. You could take it out of the air and go, oh, shit. It was like astronaut shit. You know, so I already ate the chicken fucking palm. Now that plane is going up and down and up and got. I'm like, no, this is like a fucking, this is like one of those rides that you go down. Great Adventure, whatever.

It was brutal. And not to skip to the end, but on the way back, we took edibles. I thought we were going to take it easy. We went on the way back after you just puked, six hours ago. Yeah, but I wasn't feeling well until I got to the hotel and then I dropped an $8 Coke.

All right, when you drink an $8 Coca-Cola in a bottle, those eight-ounce Mexican ones or cocaine still in them, bro, I looked at Lee, I got to take a nap. The Coca-Cola rattled my stomach. I closed my eyes for about 45 minutes.

I got up, took a shower, we walked right downstairs. The car was waiting for us. It's all about the car. Oh, the car was great. It was... 2026 Mercedes with a fucking... A roof, the fucking, the doorknoms look like phones.

Yeah, phones on it. You can control shit. You control it with the fucking, no, no, no, no, it's Carla. Yeah, this black dude was, we would torch him the way back. Talk about eating asshole and sniffing it. And he loved it. He fucking loved the black older dude. And we had a good time at the show, but it was like, it was like a corporate event.

So we, like, they were like, you know, a little bit well to do. And I tried to hold it in a little bit. You pretty much did your normal set. But, which was great. we'll talk about that, but this black guy, it was honestly like the most fun show we had that. Like, we kind of just did a late show for him.

For him. For like 45 minutes. You were talking about, about, God, what were you saying? About smelling their asshole. And this guy was just going,

he sounded like Rick Flair. He was, he was just driving like, woo! The whole time. He was going to take us to the strip club. He was going to take us to the Magic City and shit. It was my first time in Atlanta.

I was like, so what do we? What are you? I was trying to make small. I was trying to, I was doing George because George wasn't there. I was trying to some small talk. Well, what are you going to have Friday? He's like, what are you doing in Atlanta?

He said, Magic City. That's his first thing. No basketball game. No museum. Magic City, Don't. We'll take it out of Magic City. And I'll tell you what, if I would have known, I don't mind sleeping over. I just want to get the fuck out of that.

Right. But if I knew Magic City was two blocks away, I would have made it withdrawal. I went to the ATM before I left, my hand froze. You know when you open the window and have to put the carton and beep? I was just, I had, and I was talking to somebody. And I put my code in all of a sudden, you have to put like, what do you want, 20s or 50s? I hit it again.

I'm talking. I'm like, hold on one second. Jesus, my fucking hand. Yeah. It was frozen. I couldn't even take money out. Fucking frozen. The wind caught it.

It's been bad. It's been like, I don't think it's been above freezing since I got stuck in Chicago. Ah, there's still a fool of, that's still, I just backed into a wall. It's a great wall

of fucking snow out there. Oh my God. But it was, listen, I've never done a corporate. Really? That was your first one? It was my first one.

35 years of comedy. Never did a fucking corporate. And this was my first one. So I didn't know what to expect. But from talking to other people, I know what to expect. They're a corporation, whatever they,

widgets, attorneys, whatever they represent, whatever they do. They're a corporation. Everybody in that thing is probably college educated, but nobody went to college for entertainment. No.

So they don't know, guys. When you get a corporate, when you get any of those things, you go in there with a high positivity, but you know this. And I totally, before we walked in, as soon as you walked in, what did the lady tell you?

I'm not going up. No, we ain't got no microphones. Oh, yeah. But I was used to that, but yeah, it was even weirder. Because they had, they had no mic, They didn't know that. You didn't tell me what was happening before.

I didn't know what was back on. But they had no idea. I was just there. I didn't even, I honestly didn't think I was going up. I thought at some, because they came in and they wanted to introduce you. I was like,

you know what, it's that guy's birthday. It was a fun day. And then you just told them that I was going to do 10. And they kind of panicked because they, they had no mic. They clipped a mic to you, like a laugh,

like when you clipped on your shirt. They had like, this was a big company. So they had this like, plush toy that they just shoved a microphone inside that they could like throw around the room he's up there with a he looks like one of the three wise men bringing a gift that's true he had a box the whole time talking into it and i don't think it was on to be honest i go lee man these corporates and i'm up there 10 minutes and also i see waiters coming in with fucking tomahawk sticks i'm like i'm dead oh dude they were they were shaving truffles this is how big of a deal this was first they gave us lobster tails which i don't even The food was so good that I don't even like lobster, but it was that good that I ate it? You know the lobster claw?

They gave it to us unscathed. Like it was just one chunk of three ounces of lobster meat, marinated in something. This motherfucker goes, I don't eat lobster. You can't eat my lobster. I go, Lee, taste it. He goes, you can't have my lobster. That's how fucking good it was.

They gave you a big piece of carrot, these fucking potatoes. Oh, yeah. What's those things you get with the chocolate, with the green, the red? The Italian The Italian cookies That was potato The outside was cooked And then they had little slabs

That were cooked in the middle The middle was fucking mashed potatoes Like Dude and it was this guy's 40th Birthday party They had When I was on stage They had like it looked like

Just regular pasta With like a white cream sauce or whatever But they eat They have like 17 waiters Each with a truffle Shaving it into the people I wanted to I wanted to just sit down

and eat the pasta. It was, and they had a good time. They're very nice. They had a really good time. And we got an education. You got to see what a corporate works like. How cool is it? Like it was like he found you through your book.

Yeah. That's like, yeah. Yeah. He read the book. He liked it. And then when we were there, we were talking to a lot of people.

Like a dude was there that lived in Boulder. And he said that his company was number two to Norton Frickie and Associates. Like it was in a. attorney-based people do advertising for attorneys. How much does the guy says he spends a year? 50 million a year, he said. 50 million a year on advertising. Meanwhile, we're eating like chocolate cake and drinking Coke Zero.

And this guy... Well, they brought three desserts for Lee. Oh, yeah. All right, they brought a chocolate cake. This chocolate thing, keep... Lees like, you gotta taste that a cow. It looked beautiful. I just didn't want to eat no sugar that night.

I was in the mood. I didn't feel that way. I didn't feel that way. I had ever the dude on the plane home. Well, yeah, you gave me the... And then we got to the hotel and he gave me edibles. And Titan has really good. Because if you fly normal there, you're lucky to get like a snack, a little thing.

Titan had an entire basket full of snacks. And you told me, he goes, I could eat this whole thing. I must eat like six fucking slim gyms. I took a fart the next day. A stick came out of my ass. Oh, you did go after every slim gym. Oh, my God. I ate every fucking, that was like 10.

I ate like six of them. They had chips. have Pringles. They just, you know, listen, man, you can't do this all the time. I was telling Lee that the last five years of L.A., I was going on the road, I was having a good time, but not really. When I say a good time, I was, I was making some money. But a good time, no, because I'm too hard.

I'm too hard at it. I'm too much of a fucking businessman on the road. I appreciate that these people come into my show, so I got to be tipped out, Magoo. If you want me to walk around your city and eat in the afternoon, I'm not going to give you a great show. So for me, it's just the focus of it.

But I decided for me to do this the next two years, I got to do this my way with fun. You know what I'm saying? I got to have some fun. And I got to have some adventures. And I don't want to lurk unless there's three chicks giving out pieces of ass. I ain't lurking.

I don't want to lurk. I don't want to lurk. There's nothing I want to do. I would have done to Magic City. this to see the chicks. I saw the documentary on it on Showtime. I saw the six-part documentary. The six-part documentary on the showtime.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Either four or six. But, you know, I enjoy that shit. Like, but I'm not going to enjoy. We got to go to Florida. When I talk to my friend, I'm like, I don't even know I'm going to do this.

We're probably going to leave Wednesday night. Do the show Thursday. I don't have to tell you what time we're leaving. We're going right. Five minutes after you say, thank you guys for coming. Yeah. right from the plane. Why?

It's Friday morning. Why? I don't want to land here Friday morning. I want to wake up on my bed Friday, tackle the day. Oh, yeah. You know, when I feel bad.

My friends come in, our daughter. And I'm like, they're like, what we're going to do after the show? I got to talk to my advisors. Because we're all going to have a vote. Do we stay till Friday morning?

Who are your advisors, me, you and I feel like you're your own advisors. That's it. I run it by you guys. I got to come back. I can't go Wednesday night. Fuck you.

out. Because I don't want to go Thursday and come back Thursday. No. At least let's wake up in Fort Latin and Tampa. That would be nice. We'll get some Cuban food and nice Cuban breakfast. Wait for the chicken that wake us up. Then we go to Connecticut and that's, but I'm taking a handful of people up there. Like we're getting a bus or something. Okay. Yeah, for Foxwoods. That'll be great. Yeah, we'll take a bus up there. But I have to be, the Jew and me did, does come out a little bit

because like I have no idea and I'm sure Titan takes good care of you. but it's not, I know it's more expensive than a first class ticket. But the fact that, because I'm sure, like, if you didn't have that, maybe you wouldn't do the show. So at least you there's that. But it's even, that's how, this is how cheap I am. Even the Coke in the, in the hotel room, I kind of got it. I was a little bit, like, if it wasn't for you, I would have just had the free water bottle. I'm not paying $8 for a bottle.

That pisses me off. One in Rome. I mean, do you think I enjoy it? You think I enjoy it? Like, here's $8 for a fucking $30. sense, but when in Rome, that's what the problem was. That's what the problem was. And it's not like I live like that every day.

But we're out. Let's celebrate. This is a celebration. It's not just a fucking comedy show anymore. It's me being 63 years old. Let's just celebrate that I'm still alive. All right? Let's just celebrate that I got two nuts.

Let's celebrate all these things. But to go out on the road and act like I can't do that. I don't know. That's what was eating me up before. And I wasn't acting like nothing. I was just focusing my energy. But you know what? We could focus our energies in the suite with a balcony,

smoke dope on the balcony, throw rocks at the beach. You know, I mean, that's what I'm talking about. Everything was very militaristic. And that's how I live. And I appreciate it. But I got to the point where it was too militaristic. It's comedy. You know, look at these bands now.

They're doing all these tours and shit to stones. The stones each fly individually. They got doctors. They don't do a show two nights in a row. They travel with doctors and fucking masseuse therapy. Well, how old are they like 80 years old? Yeah, RV. That's why those rolling stone tickets are fucking expensive

because you're not paying to see the stones. You want to see them? This is what it costs to get them here. Mick Jagger don't need this. He could go on an island and get his dicks up. But you want to jump around and all that shit. I went to team in 83. I want to feel, okay, it's going to cost you.

I ain't 83 no more. They got a doctor, they got a rehearsal studio. You know, it's not. But you know what? They're doing it as a professional as what works for them. Like, I'm trying to do it. But at the same time, it's not the stones of the 70s and 80s where anywhere they went.

There was destruction and chaos and women getting pregnant and people getting fucked in the ass. They were worse than a ditty party. These people were worse than ditty parties. We're touring Diddy part. You want a tour with Led Zeppel. That's a fucking, that's what they were putting octopuses in a girl's pussy. What are you talking about?

Diddy with fucking shaving cream? Whatever the fuck he was used. Maybe he was. They really put an octopus in someone? A fucking shark and a baby shark and a chick's pussy had an orgy in Seattle. Come on. That's why you get into comedy. You don't get in the comedy to be all decent with glasses.

Well, my daughter is a teen. No. You get the comedy to fucking rock. You give yourself a window and you fucking rock. Why do you think I got upset with you that day when you're like, I didn't eat the mushrooms? That's done. You eat whatever they give you on the road. That's part of the road experience.

Listen, that's part of it. That's part of it. Some people, listen, I don't do coke and I will never do coke again. But if I'm on the road and somebody offers me an oxy cotton, pop that motherfucker. A viking and pop it. What the fuck were on the road? It's not like I'm shooting heroin. I'm not going to die in my room.

But you're on the road. That's what it's for. It's not the fucking, no, it's a truth. When I was my wildest, I was my funniest. When I got conservative, my funniness got conservative.

Right. When you're buck wild, you're buck wild. This is why you've gotten to stand up. Not to be a corporate fucking merchant like we became later on with the podcast and shit. When you do standup,

it's like radio motorists. cycle with no shirt on. You're fucking free. You're like a free faggot. You're just... Your hair's going all over the place like Brad Pitt. You know, that's what it's about. It's not about getting a helmet.

Look at me. It's about getting on a mountain on an open fucking highway with no cars, doing 80, getting sun, and just breathing. And that's what people have missed out with calm. Listen, when I went on the row with Rogan and those eight guys for like two or three years,

it was chaos. It was chaos. It was chaos, every hotel, everybody, you have eight different personalities, so something's going to go down. I can't even imagine what that was like. Five different personalities, something is going to go down.

I was going on the road like being a professional salary. Like, you know, that's not for me. If we're going to go on the road, it's to fucking do it. Again, I'm not drinking. I'm not doing blow, but if somebody offers me a line of heroin and they're kind of decent, Like they looked clothed

And the club owner knows them That's all it takes Just one little bump Just a little Just a little something A little white powder Just to get you to put a little pep in your stuff Oh my God

How often do people offer you shit like that? All the time when I was rocking and rolling Because you're on stage I mean Staten Island was the first place I ever went on stage As for oxycote Nobody threw them at me Usually I got

You got to do his magic I'm looking for some oxycons Just mention him. It's too expensive now. No one wants to share it. You have somebody show up with a bucket. Here you go. Pick whatever you want.

Oh, my God. Yeah. It's insane, but that's not the point of it. The point when I was doing comedy like a fucking, like these guys. I don't want to do comedy like these guys. I don't want a fucking camera in my face every minute. Look at the look. If you're rocking and rolling, they ain't no camera.

It's like the casino when fucking Joe Pesci is sitting with Frankie Vinson in the boot and the other guy. and De Niro comes in with a table full of women and fucking Joe Pesci, one of them, Frankie Vincent goes, look at De Niro, he's having a good time over there. And Joe Pesci's sitting and he goes, so are we.

Yeah? So are we. Might as well, I mean, you might as well have fun. I don't know about snoring heroin. It's an exaggeration. I just want to make a point, Lee, that that's what that road is for.

That's what that road is for. road is for. People just say, well, you should bring an assistant with you. For what? I need an assistant on the fucking road. That's bullshit.

I don't need somebody to tell me, hey, we've got to be ready. Get the fuck out of here. I know and we got to be ready. The party ain't going to start until we get there. That's true. So we're a traveling party. From now when I want this to be

a traveling fucking party. It's not for five days. It's for a fucking flight down there. Well, that's going back. Yeah. You live like, We don't even look at the bill. Why look at it?

Don't even look at it. Just get the fucking soda. Just get the $8 soda. Because we're not doing this every day. It's today. It's today, tomorrow. You know what? I ain't going to take you motherfuckers to a Burger King.

And I refuse to take you guys to like a fucking dopey restaurant, like that clam bake we went to in Virginia. I don't want that shit. When I go to a restaurant on the road, I want to go somewhere that we haven't been to somewhere where there's harps and the fucking whiskey truck that comes over to you so you guys could drink a whiskey with Becky

you know what's that? Yeah, I think was disgusting Dude, it was the best. Corn and the crab thing and fucking sausage

What is that? Where were we? It was somewhere Virginia. That's third world shit. But that was the best restaurant they had. Yeah, but that's their fucking problem.

Nah, I know I won't go there again. That cannot be the best restaurant. When we told the guy's seafood, I think he's gonna take us to a place where, you know, lobster flour on Dean and, You know, no, skinny crab legs with HIV.

That's dumb fucking turkey sauces they probably give you. And corn. What am I, a pilgrim? I want a fucking two lobster tails. I want a fucking, yeah, I don't want that. Yeah, you got to sit there with a bag, your hands get dirty, everybody's got paper towels. Half those people don't even wash their hands.

They've been having dirty hands all their life. And then they go in there. They see paper towel. It's like fire. You know. I don't like that shit. When I take you guys out, the way Rogan took me out. I'm just giving back to what was given to me.

You think Rogan took me to a Burger King? The motherfucker. The motherfucker, we're going to Fogar to get in the car. A shot of whiskey, $400. He's like, you know what, that shot of whiskey? You know how much it was $400? Joey and joy. I am.

I'm going to burp it up twice. $400. I'm going to piss and drink it again for $400. There's still got to be some minutes left. them there. $450 one night. He paid for shots. He didn't know until he got the bill.

How many shots do you get? One a piece. Eight shots? Oh, damn. I'd be pissed. And then cigars and fucking just... Just, dog. It's something that I always respected about them.

Because you go on the road with these people and they want to give you, let's go eat at a diner. I want diner. I look like a diner eat it to you. We're in Kentucky. There's got to be somebody who's killing a pig. But did any part of you be like, hey, Rogan, take me to a diner and give me the four, I want to buy a coat.

In my heart, in my heart all the time. I was thinking of stealing the tips. When you leave like a three-dollar tip, let me get a hundred at least off the top. I'm not to steal the tip. Yeah, I don't blame you. Especially, like, if you're broke. I got no fucking money.

Listen, think about being broke feature, not having any money, but having access to that place. across the street from the hotel in Austin. I used to take you to Popper Doze. Yeah. That was our fucking home base. Oh, it's 16 just to walk in there and say hello.

Glass of water with lemon 16. Dog, they used to have a fucking crab meat and shrimp salad. Can't finish it. I'll put it up against anybody. Fucking four prawns and pieces of fucking crab meat and that motherfucker. I used to get the gumbo with the fingernails in them, with the Katrina's sweat. Dude, we didn't even, we didn't even check into the hotel.

We, like, threw our bags in the room. I tell them. We don't fuck around. Oh. We're not going to the hotel room. Just give it the bags. The little Indian guy, here's the bag. Here's 20. Hold on to those things.

There's a pound of weed in those things. There's no pounding there. But he's all nervous now. It was right across the street. 50 yards. That's, and I would go there every year just to eat at popping those for three days. The fucking banana pudding with the, with the little cookies inside. Oh, I love it.

Oh. that place is top-knit, the cheesecake from A to Z. We would eat six meals in that for six days. Yeah. We go to San Jose, original Joe's, like doctors. We didn't even millionaires. We would walk in there like doctors. Who cares if I break even?

It's a weekend on the road. I'm getting to do what I love. And what do you want me to do? I already went on the road eating fucking veggie cheese sandwiches for years, I was an early open mic. Yeah. I would have to split a 16, a 12 ounce fucking veggie and cheese to survive. One in the morning and one at night.

Hopefully the club would fucking feed me some chicken nuggets or, you know, something to go and then I wouldn't have to eat the veggie and cheese sandwich. So now, fuck it. Now let's break even. I don't give a fuck. Jesus. And it is, it's a lot of fun. It's a lot.

This is supposed to be fun. And I took the funnel out of it for years. This is, but before you go on stage, that's why the top comics always say to you, have fun. You're like, fun. I got to work for fucking 35 minutes. No, if you go up there with a smile on your face, life's going to change.

It's going to be a lot easier. It's like me paying you before you go on stage when the rent is due the next day. Okay? Do you think this guy's going to give you a check? You, you, fuck. And all of a sudden you get things, I go, can I talk to you over easy?

600 cash. Go do your thing. Dog, when you walk out there, you can't even walk out because your dick is so big. You trip over it. Somebody gave you money and now you're fucking on fire. I don't think I've ever gotten paid before the game.

When you get paid before you go on stage, it just does something to you. Because now you really don't have to wait around. It's from the Tudor to the snooter. You just good night. Boom! Yeah. Gone. Because it is

like I was, I was a little worried because I know it was your night It was the guy's birthday Like I'm sure they're paying you a good amount I'm like I don't want to fuck anything up They paid me but I got the plane I could have fucking He would have bought me a first class plane ticket

Oh no I'm sure And I could talk to him to buying you a plane figure Because you want to bring a friend That wasn't the point The point was I wasn't waking up Super Bowl Sunday And walking around ATL airport That's a big fucking airport Oh no

That's a big fucking airport guys And it just wouldn't have worked It just would not have work I'm getting serious April 23rd, you know. I can't believe you're waiting that long. I have to because I have gigs. And I cannot do the surgery at the end of the month

and then go to fucking Nashville to a big time comedy festival with crutches or Connecticut who's paying me good money or Tampa. They deserve better. Yeah. So what do you want to do to do? I go to physical therapy. It'll work out until April. I'll make it work until April.

But I can't do it next week because then I'll be shit for those gigs. Right. I got three gigs. Two in March, one in April. Done. Nothing to August. After that,

I can just do the dojo any spot around here. That's what we'll do. It's no big fucking deal. Are you going to have them to do both knees at the same time? No, I'm just going to have them do one. All right?

I don't need the other one. Are you going to have them to do both knees? I just need this one. But every time you do one knee, you tell me that the other knee goes kaput. No, because you put so much pressure on this knee, it starts to hurt.

But after a few days, you ice it when you finish this one, you put some BPC 157. I shot it, with copper, and now I'm back like herpes, Jack. You know all the numbers for these peptide things? You got to know the numbers. Oh, my God.

You got to know the numbers on everything. Your business, your address, your zip code, everything's got a fucking number. Your pin. I love it. That's great. Are you nervous about it? Do I look fucking nervous? No, I did it already.

I just want to get it over with now. So I have to do it when I'm 70. Because recovering from this when I'm 63 is going to be tough enough. 70, it's a different bag of ballpark. I'm going to go in there in good shape. Like, I'm going to go in there. Lifting three, four days a week, so my recuperation is easier.

I won't go to fucking gel when I'm sitting there for two weeks. I'll still lift in the house. I'll get a kettlebell and do these things. Anything to keep fucking, because anything you do after the surgery helps your healing. Right. So anytime you get blood going through there and all that shit,

it's like stealing. So why would I always? I want to fucking do it now. So I have to limp to Florida on a plane and have you guys carry me off the little thing. Come on, man. Use your fucking head lead. I got to be. I think you'd have fun on a scooter, though.

I won't have fun on a scooter. I'm 60 years old. Beaming people, no? Give me alone. I think you have fun. Is that what you're looking at? Are you looking at like 70? Is that like the number that's looming over you?

I don't fucking know. I'm just through a number up there. But you don't want to wait and do this later on when it takes, it's hard. It's harder to recuperate the older you are. Let me do it now. This is going to need to get fixed now, two years, three years. Something's going to happen. That's the longevity of it.

It's just the odds. Do it now. Get it over with it. I have the whole summer to relax. He's got baseball all June and July every fucking weekend. Yeah. What do I give a fuck? I'm going to go to the games.

We'll have to do the podcast at the office like two, three times. Okay. We'll tape a couple of them in advance. We don't have to come right up here and kill us. But that'll be it. That's it. No big deal. It's another day in paradise.

It's how you look at things. If you look at it like, then it's going to be, just another day in paradise. That's my entire life. Yeah, another day in paradise. Why think about it? Fucking go in there.

How do you do that? How do you not think about things? For fucking years, I was a regular person who put everything on the back burner. Everybody puts everything on the back burner. Everybody. I did it with comedy.

I did it with fucking jobs. I did it with fucking everything. How long are you going to put your life in the back burner? There ain't no back burner left. I'm 60. You could do that shit when you're 30 and 40. Oh, I'll take care of that later. That's it.

The curtain's almost drawn on me. Jesus Christ. Not that I'm dying. I'm just telling you that. What do you mean? At what age, do you still keep putting shit away? At what age do you keep saying, bro, I almost didn't have a comedy career because of two years of procrastination,

that's fucking embarrassing. That is fucking embarrassing. What happened? Fear, fear of your life changing. Well, you just didn't start stand-up? Is that what you mean? It took me two years to get on stage, walking around, telling people,

I'm going to get on stage, so two years because I was a pussy. That's enough. That's enough, and that's part, that's all of us. Anything that's going to get us better, we're scared of. Forties,

looming that was a good fart 40's looming over me yeah so anything you got to do now your attitude has to change you can't still be why i got another year i got two more years no because then you'll be 45 and you'll be saying that then you'll be 50 and you'll be saying that shit do you ever have a homeless guy like he's he's like a little bit crazy but he makes a little bit of sense yeah me you wouldn't make a good homeless dude but no this dude came on the train today and was like yelling at nobody but it felt like he was talking to me like I don't know I don't know what was it but he was just like oh so that's funny

you're afraid to be funny he was talking like but he was talking to himself but like the entire train cleared out but like I don't know I was just thinking I was like am I afraid to be funny like I felt like he was talking to me I was like well I'm afraid of something but after a while

how much can you be afraid of shit for years I didn't take care of my health because I was scared of needles years my fucking mouth had no teeth because I would rip him out with a wrench with Jack Daniels and cocaine instead of going to a doctor like a regular fucking human being. I did a thousand things of procrastination.

How long can you procrastinate? And how long can I scare myself to debt? Oh, this knee surgery is going to be scary. They're all scary. Yeah. But again, you want a good set? If you want to have a great set, what do you do? Smoker joint?

No. What? You prepare. Okay, yeah. So if you go into surgery, like a lop with no strength, but my knee, I couldn't exercise. Okay. You're going to feel it more.

Yeah. If you go in there and you're halfway in shape, you're taking supplements, you're eating good, you're drinking water, everything's going to be easier to fucking heal. I'll pop a couple red light thornis saunas. You know, this is the shit that you have available to you. Makes it.

Is it like, sort of, like, stand up? Like, if you take a week off and then you do a set, and you're kind of rusty, you know, like you're not prepared. And that's it. No, you have a bomb? Yeah. And you get off stage and you go, I wasn't prepared. Fuck.

I didn't even look at my fucking notebook. Because you know if you look at your notebook, the charges and the chase, every time you go over your notes. The percentages goes up. percentages go up that you won't bomb every time you look at that fucking notebook and review your jokes. Yeah. For fucking stat now, I reviewed that joke all week.

I was in there all week because I'm sick and tired of forgetting shit. sick and die. I'm a grown man. How can I forget material on stage? And I still forgot shit that night. But I would forgot it more. Right. If I didn't go over it.

Well, hold on a second. I got a piss. We'll be right back. We'll talk to you about better health than blue shoes. So you're in good shape while you have a heart on. We'll be right back. What's happening, beautiful people?

This episode is sponsored by Better Help. No matter what's going on in your life, therapy can help you figure stuff out. Therapy's a great way to determine and what you want, what feels heavy, and how you can take some of the pressure off yourself. Listen, a couple of years ago, I was in a slump, and I went to BetterHelp, and they helped me out.

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Take that Blue Choo and sling dick like it's over. We're back. Anyway, my, you know, George just asked me what I thought about that 84-year-old twat that's missing. You know what I'm saying? Jesus. I see this shit in my life.

If that was your mother, then nobody would look for her. You know? I'm sitting there a day, and they're talking about this 84-year-old twat, the sister, the fucking Bitcoin. Who's 84? She got one foot in the grave,

one of banana peel. They got helicopters, dogs. If that was my spick mother, you're Italian mother or your mother your Jew mouth mother I don't know I think they'd fucking help out John Wayne after what she did at the party don't get back to it

Ha ha ha ha ha It's a lady's mom I feel bad I miss my mom but enough The kidnappers would send my mom back Yeah The kidnappers will take her back There's no kid you have for Bitcoin That's some fucking idiot

That's listen nine of ten of those things It's in the family you think so listen not another 10 of those things fuck it's two remember john bane remember all that shit

it's somebody now they took it for a ride they took her to sign some documents to fucking the mortgage to redo the mortgage you didn't know but what do you mean mom you're making me do things

all of a sudden they fucking beat her up and they threw in a ravine so nobody would know when they signed the lease over that's a brother that's a kid that's but anyway it's not my fucking problem yeah I gotta worry about this twatner every fucking day. Helicopters go to my house and shit.

No. It's fucking somewhere else. But they're looking at my house. Why? What the fuck is wrong? You seem to know a lot about this about the disappearance. Yeah, because you're old and you listen.

You watch Law & Order and you read and you read and you read and you hear things. And after a while, you don't need to hear the whole story. Like most of the times you've got to hear, uh, What's that expression? Your side of the story, and there's the truth. Yeah. But, you know, one time you just hear, all I need to do is hear it,

and I can decipher what happened myself. I know what went down. Just by hearing it, by somebody. You ever have somebody talk to you, and you already know what happened. You know, I was walking down the street, and some guy beat me up just for nothing. I was just walking down the street.

And then, yeah, no, he told the guy to go fuck his mother and he threw a beer can out of him. You know, I already know. Stop. Nobody just flies around and hits you in the head when you're walking around with a flower in your hand. Nobody's going to hit you in the head. That's true. But to think about kidnapping your own mom, that's...

Like I just told you. Yeah. Somebody was trying to trick her into signing something over. I'm just... This is an alleged story. Right. Okay? Somebody tried to trick a mom.

You know, grandma, I want this stamp collection. They didn't do it. She wouldn't do it. I can't do that. And then they beat the fuck out of her. And they threw her in a fucking river. You know, Lee, this shit happens, Lee, in life. People are creepy.

People are fucking creepy. Look at all the people when people die, how they react, their families and shit, you know? Yeah, you know, people are fucking creepy when it comes to money. And she's 84. She's half dead. I mean, who would have kidnapped? I'm not like you can fuck her. Why is she going to suck your dick?

You know, and not she's going to cook for you. Well, she forgot the recipe. If you're not sucking my dick, why am I kidnapping? Why are you? Oh, my God. Holy shit Oh It's the truth

I'm sick and tired You know You keep I look into my grumpiness It's not grumpiness It's that you heard it all already Leave me the fuck alone What would you do

Why are you gonna come tell me this story Me Out of all fucking people There's a 60 year old Waiting somewhere to hear this bullshit from you You don't want to hear it? I don't want to hear it because I know it's bullshit You just you just

you're just wasting my time. You're just wasting my time with all these shit. It's when you talk to comedians, I don't know what to do. You give them the advice, and an hour later, they're doing what you told them not to do. Why are you wasting your time?

Mind your business. Shut your fucking mouth. They're not going to do it anyway. What would you do if you got kidnapped? Like, if you were, if someone kidnapped you, would you get out? Lee, it's the dumbest question in the world. Maybe they got a machine gun like I did.

Would you far on them? Would you do something? I don't know, Lee. If there's a, window. But Lee, we don't know. If I tie you up and put you on your fucking stomach and put a gag on you, how are you going to get to that window, Lee?

So why are we thinking about it? But I might start annoying them. Yeah. If you kidding at me, I might start asking you creepy questions. No, but they're going to kick you in the fucking mouth to shut up. You know, if I'm, if I kidnap you,

that's the first thing I'm going to tell you. I'm going to treat you just like Robert De Niro trades that guy on fucking on midnight run, you know. I'm just going to beat you every time you say a word. Don't test me. I'll fucking, I'll fucking bury your head in that fucking thing.

Jesus. And I say, you ain't going to talk too much. You ain't going to be too much. That's only on TV when people become heroes and they can loosen the fucking thing and they can swami,

open up the key chain. That's only in fucking movies. That doesn't work? In real life, when you got three guerrillas in the room and you got your blindfold on and you don't know if they're going to fuck you in the ass

or feed you to the lions, you ain't going to be moving around too much, okay? If I put a blindfold on you, yeah, you could sip out look out of it and, you know. I got to be honest, if you put a blindfold on me,

I'm going to piss my pants. That sounds terrifying. So now you got people swarming around you. Yeah, if I could get to that window, you ain't getting to no window. You got three black guys swarming around you with a fucking Russian dude with a machine gun. And they're telling you, you move on a fuck in the ass.

Nobody wants to get fucked in the ass. No. Nobody. That's the biggest sense of torture. To get fucked in the air. Yeah. Do you ever see the godfather of Harlem? No.

he had a problem. He brought that big black dude with the big dick. And they raped men. He just raped men. The guy would just pull his zipper down. And the guy in his chair would go, oh, no. Oh, yeah. That was his job?

To torture people. Big Dick McGick. Oh, my God. That's fucked up. So think about it. Now, who's going to fuck the 84-year-old woman in the ass? That's got crab apples in there and God knows what else. Malukia stinks.

God knows what else. How did that get in there? there. She doesn't have a medication. All right. Let me go back to the house and get a medication. Who gives a fuck? Enough.

She's dead. By now she's dead. Knock it off. It's been a week. She had no medication. She's dead. She's in a swamp somewhere. Her eyeballs are gone.

Already? Oh, yeah. Oh, yes. Holy shit. You should call up Savannah Guthrie. I think she'd like to hear from you. Fuck Savannah Guthrush. She got enough problem.

Wait till they hit her with the light detector test. All them white motherfucking creepy people. They'll do anything for $500,000. And they'll kill their grandmother or something. This isn't no... Like, if you're home right now, like, praying on rosary beads, this is white nonsense. This is white and...

Yeah, oh, my God, I hope she's returned safely. Who gives her fuck? Move on. That is fucked up when that happens, when someone is, like, front and center, like, oh, they're praying, and then you find out that they did it? Yeah. That's all booze.

That's something creepy there. Oh. You know what I'm saying? Put it in pass and let's wait for the Hamas kids to make it come back. They must be hungry than ever now. Nobody's talked about those Hamo's kids. In two months, those kids must be fucking skeletons walking around fucking Palestine right now. Getting ready for Halloween.

Yeah. Oh, my God. Dude. I feel like. you just have like a like a notebook you used to come in with like notes to talk about stuff on the podcast i think you come in with this thing like how are we going to get youtube to get pissed off on us this week the humas kids look like skeletons i just fucking told you man i'm not doing comedy for the masses no more i'm doing comedy for me and what affects me

and that affects me when i sit down to the wire i'm all wound up i'm high i'm high i sit down to watch world news tonight and I gotta talk about this whole twat again for fucking 20 minutes. She's missing. She's at the border. Who gives her fuck? Is that what it boils down to

if she's ruining world news tonight for you? Every day I have to hear about Savannah Cuthers mom. But again, if that was any of your moms, do you think there'd be helicopters looking for your fucking mom? No, your mom would be dead.

already. They wouldn't even come to a house and interviewer. So enough. That's Samantha Guthrie. Good morning. America. So privilege is privilege. Hey, dog, we're in the shit. We've lost them. In fact, I'm done with the news. Finally. I'm going to leave in the house at 6.30 now. And I'm coming back at 7.30 after Jeopardy.

That's my new early so I can watch. Orange is a new black by fucking 8 o'clock with the lesbians leading each other's assholes and shit. That's much better than the news. And I'll tell you what was the worst thing ever. Guys, listen. And I tell you this with honesty, all these, I mean, the people at home, you got, I got a short window. I got a short window.

You got like three hours to talk to me. And after that, my head goes into it. Like, I just don't even hear nothing. I don't know if it's old age. I don't know if it's low testosterone. I don't know what it is. I got a short window. Like, if you want to talk to me about difficult things, don't do it at night.

Like, at night, you got to talk to me like five. ice cream, like just simple words. Yeah, if you go into like a fucking calamity, you're going to lose me. I'm just going to turn my head because you're wasting your time. What kind of color? What do you mean?

I have a short window. I'm old. I have a short window. So when I get up at 7.30 or 6.50, like today, I got up at 5.15. I'm ready to stab a motherfucker. And then the world's asleep. There's nobody to stab.

So I stay up, I write. I learn to music. I smoke dope. I play fucking draft king. the triple jackpot, you know, I do all this shit. But I'm, then I leave the house wired. I go run my errands. I'm electrified.

You know, when I come back at 12 or 1, I'm done. People try to call me, like, give me, like, I'm doing this roast of New Jersey. And they call last week. They go, you know, we want to talk to you about the son. Okay. I canceled the first two times. Because at 1 o'clock, I'm taking an app by one. You know what I'm saying?

Like 1 o'clock. What time do you cancel, 1245? I cancel like 10 to 1. But I did the one on Thursday because I was eating lunch anyway, but I had to go to, like tomorrow I got to go to physical therapy at 2. So this is that one. But they hit me right back like, um, let's do it. What is that when you, I call Nick, Nick.

What are we doing tomorrow? Nothing. Call me at 1. I'll call you at 1. But then they want to send you those things. Zoom? No, the fucking link with the time. And then they want to Zoom and all.

You mean like a calendar? We ain't got that type of time. Yeah, we ain't got that type of time. This ain't that type of party. All right, this ain't that type of party. So basically what they have to do is be like, hey, can you talk now? Because, like, they just want to, they add it to their date. I don't give, I don't want me that.

That's too much drama. That's white people's shit. Let's start schedule. Oh, yeah, 8 o'clock. What's your phone number? And then it pops up on your calendar. I can open up my iPhone. There's a red dot.

I go to hit it. I don't know. Why are they on my thing? This is not. There's no money here. This is chit-chat. There's no dough. So the fucking dude hits me up Thursday.

I tell him, listen, Tuesday. And then the other guy comes in one of those dudes. I've worked with you before on a couple of your heart. I know all your friends. Okay. And all of a sudden he goes, let me give him my number. All right. Doug, Friday, he started hit me up.

Hey, I'm available until six. Six is never going to work. You call me at one. We're going to chit-chat for maybe 20, 25 minutes. Then I got to go. I'll put you on a speakerphone I'm just gonna write I'm gonna put like fucking you porn on

and bang one out while I'm talking to you you know and come on my hand and I gotta sit there with the come in my hand for fucking ten minutes you know Dude you gotta be careful

because you're gonna you don't know how to hit mute so one of these what would you do if someone heard you on porn hub who gives a fuck then Louis CK is my next new name

you know what I'm calling people fucking breathing heavy oh my God no I don't fucking fucking can jerk off, but what I'm saying is that they want to call you and talk about this shit. I don't want it to be that official. This doesn't need to be whitened up. It's like everything is politicized now.

There's some people that want to do it. Well, let's put it in the vet. No, no, no, no. We don't need that. This is loose. There's no loose anymore. Do people have eight hours a day, 10 hours a day to fill? That's that problem.

That's that problem. You got to adjust. You got to adjust. What? You got adjust. That's it. I ain't got time for your problems. Oh.

Dude, I think my daughter comes home at 245. That means I don't want to talk to you after too. Right. I need 45 minutes just to focus on what's about to happen when she walks in the door. These people want to call me like, oh yeah, can we do 131? 1.30 ain't going to work because that's a half hour. And I ain't got that type of time for a half hour for you. I just don't.

I would love to see what these people who have not dealt with you say. I told you. There's one guy I meant. He said he used to be our podcast agent. I had no idea. And he said he got fired one day. You just sent him an email with no subject that just said the party's over. He didn't know what you meant.

I ain't got time for that shit. You want to play the game? You're going to get fired. I didn't fire him. He lost his own job. I don't even know what you're talking about. I have no idea who you're talking about. But it's like...

Oh, I'm going to have to hit him up tomorrow. Oh, my God. I just hate these. people that everything's a fucking epic. Then the party, it's over, that's it. Pack up your bags. That's it. They're hiring a Dairy Queen. They always are.

There's always a job at Dairy Queen. Oh, people, do, and we ran into another guy. I ran into a comic this week. I said, hey, nice to see you. He's like, he was like, from the old podcast. He had to come on once. He came on twice? He came on the first

time he was pretty good. Oh, I forgot. And the second time he came on. He had B.O. he had been up snorting for a few days. You could see it. He didn't comb his hair. And he was Ubott. So me and Lee just, we just left him there.

And he's like, I lost a job because of that part. I was like, I don't, I have no idea. Listen, don't lie. You lost the job because of yourself.

They're not going to look at a podcast and go, oh, we're not going to hire him. That's a fucking lie. You think people got time. They look through your Twitter. They look through your Facebook and they look at your Instagram.

They know you have a podcast, but then I don't look at it individually. to see what we said. I hate those people that give an excuse. Like, I lost a job because you lost a job because you lost a fucking job. Don't say, like when people call me now,

people call me once a month. Hey, man, how are you doing? I haven't heard from you in five or six years. Five or six years. I haven't heard from you. How are you doing? Hey, hey, I'm pitching a show. First of all, I know you.

You ain't got no show. You ain't got no show. Knock it on. We're pitching and we don't want people to hear to be Sunday, it's not happening. It's not happening. I had a podcast once with Felicia.

Dear friend of mine, love this motherfucker, still talk to him. Came on the podcast. He's one of these dudes that he let his wife peek into the business when everybody told them

that he had a problem in Miami because she came to the shows and would fucking yell at the feature. Doug, I don't talk out of a fucking place here. And he fucking went on our podcast and said a story. I swear to my mother, an hour later, he calls me and I could hear her yelling in the back saying, take that off. I don't give a fuck.

He begged me to take it down. Guess what? I'm not taking it down. Not taking it down because of her attitude. If you would call me and said it to me correctly, I'd have done anything for you. But she was just jealous because she wanted to come on the podcast. And we just had him. Oh, Jesus.

So I'm talking to him and she was yelling in the back. I would have put my phone down. I would have thrown my wife right out the fucking window. This is business. You don't fucking step on my business ever. Shut the fuck up. And that's why I didn't take it down. Because I didn't like how she said it to me.

Because at the end of the day, it's all bullshit. It's all bullshit. You're not going to lose the job unless you go on fucking Rogan or one of these big ones and say, yeah, I hate Jews. You don't lose a fucking job. Meanwhile, these little ones, it doesn't even matter. We say some crazy shit here. I don't hear nothing about it two days later because it doesn't matter.

No. They don't give a fuck about me. They're not going to change me. They already went after me and they got nothing. Nothing. So what do they got? They got nothing. I could say whatever the fuck I want.

Now I'm 63. and if you fuck with me, I'll blame it on old age. I say crazy things. Hitler is God! You know. Yeah, what the fuck? It is pretty... And you know what?

There was only one time where you... And you didn't want to take it down. But remember when Ralphie came on and was yelling about Russians? Yeah. For about 30 minutes, you can't talk about Russia. Oh, that was like, the only time where I saw you get a little bit like, I can't talk. Yeah, because Russians will come to the office and stab him.

And if they come to the office when Ralphie's there, and he was saying that shit, I'll tell him. Stab him. Stab him extra. He's chubby. Get a fucking, get a big pontoon fucking. You want to go through all the epidurals of fucking fat. Oh, my God. I ain't got time for that shit.

We don't have time for that no more if you really think about it. And some people are going to disagree with him, but they're going to go, you know, I get it. I get it. You come on a podcast. You're a man. I'm not going to come on here and say I had an orgy and then call you in an hour and go, bro, take that down, my girlfriend. Because I was cool when I was here in front of all the boys.

You know what I'm saying? I got my dick sucked. There's 10 guys. Now I get in the car and I got to call my wife and she's like, bring home milk. How was the podcast? I'm going to listen to it tomorrow. Now you got to call, hey, man, take that orgy story out. My wife's going to listen to it.

That ain't going out. I'll take pieces of it out. but I'll leave you saying orgy just you'll just call me have them see orgy every six minutes because it's not it's how you ask when you come on listen I want on the podcast

that I said something that got used against me almost canceled because I said it and nobody raised their hands and I still get tortured six years later people still make little fucking remarks and I'm like because they have nothing in their lives right six years to still say oh you take Xanax

let's move on to the next subject now. Let's move on. You're just a fucking loser. You're on repeat in your fucking head. You know, you're just on repeat. But, you know, when we come on these podcasts and we talk, I've never said to you take that out. No.

And I say some nasty shit. I say some vulnerable shit about myself. I say vulnerable shit about other people. But not in a bad way. It's not that I'm lying about them, is that I'm comparing them to what I'm, going through and that's where the comparison comes from.

And it's about being honest. Or at least trying to be in theory. And it's not, you can always, you know, I think if you, I can, I don't like listening to a podcast where you can tell that it's like overly produced. Or like they're editing different stories

together. I don't want to hear that. No. I want to hear it live. Like, remember X. And I've told you this is day one. I don't want that shit. I don't want clips. It's give it to them. We're not going to sit there for two hours. Take this out. Oh, take that.

Oh, my hair looks bad there. Take that out. No, your hair never looks bad. Just say it. I don't care about your fucking hair. You got no hair, Joe. You got three pieces of hair holding you together. What the fuck?

Are you going to get even more wild? Like, when you get to 70, you're going to go just fucking, like these, you've gotten a little, like, you know, you never really cared. But I feel like when you get older, you have to go, like, even crazier. I don't care.

I've been telling you guys this for the last year and a half. Oh, I can't wait to see it. I'm like, when you were a kid, you care about all this shit. Now I'm like a Marine. God family, God, family, Corps. That's it. That's it. That's it.

Everything else, you're just confusing yourself. That's why the Marine does that. God, family, core. Yeah, but bad bunny. I don't know what you're talking about. Yeah, but you Chris Rock. I don't know what you talk. Kid Rock.

I don't know. Yeah, this, that, I don't know. Family, God, family,

core. So what's the core? If take out the core for you, what else do you, like God family comedy? Comedy. Yeah.

God family comedy. You want me to get involved in shit that I have nothing to do with. I have no education to speak on. And then you wonder why things aren't working. You know,

you're a fucking plumber by trade, but you want to do a podcast about art. You're a fucking plumber. Right. You're a fucking plumber. So it's, it's just, it just goes hand in hand. Whatever the fuck we're talking about. Yeah.

It really, you know, think about this. I got up Sunday morning, happy like everybody else. We just did this thing. I was a little tired. I knew I had to work out. I had a couple things going on. You know, you open up the computer. I'm looking at SAG to see if I'm getting any checks this week.

Anything good? Yeah, I got a couple good checks. Nice. Like 154. That's not bad. And the rest are like $6. But again, Those $3, $6 checks, I put those in my gas tank.

Yeah. You know, I get checks for fucking $0.82. They go in the bank, bitch. They should. I'm a Jew. They go right in the bank. But I'm sorry, I interrupted. You were saying you were doing all that.

You know. And you wake up and you go on Instagram and you go on Twitter, Facebook. People message you throughout the day. You know, I'm not on Facebook or Twitter all day. And it was all about bad bunning and kid rock. It's a fucking fucking fucking. game. It's four quarters of a football game.

If you come to me, like somebody told me five years ago, I can't wait for the Super Bowl. Usher is playing this year. I'm not talking to you. No. That's not what the Super Bowl is about. That's something that happens during the Super Bowl. Not the Super Bowl.

So for people to sit there all day, Sunday, and what happened? The guy got 160 million views, right? Bad Bunny. and the Republicans, the people who left. Yeah. They got six million. They had six million fucking viewers.

And if you think Benito was bad, bad bunny, fucking Kid Rock was worse. Fucking God off. I don't give a fuck who you are. With a bunch of white politicals dancing, like, they can dance. All they're thinking about is stealing

the fucking Charlie Kirk's wife. She's sucking two dicks already. That dirty bitch, she's sucking Jerry Bants his dick. How come the other than you brings that up? Nobody talks about. about J.D. Vance, fucking Eric, her wife's in the ass with that chubby ass. That dude, somebody shot that motherfucker. They wanted to fuck that bitch. That bitch, that motherfucker died. That bitch had a corporation two days later.

A fucking corporate, come on, guys. Well, it didn't even look. You guys buy all this shit. I say it to you and you look at me like I'm a bad guy. JD Vance, that chubby chick has been sucking dick since that dude, before that dude got buried. She blew somebody. I'll tell you right to your face. You can see it on her face. She sucked somebody off at the fucking funeral parlor. I guarantee you with tears in her eyes and everything.

Just suck the dick. She couldn't wait to start sucking dick. She couldn't fucking wait. Look at it now. She's on everything with J.D. Vance. And none of you motherfuckers that are political organizers see this or say anything. He's been fucking her in the ass with Kid Rock. Both of them been fucking that fucking fat chubby bitch.

That's a good halftime show though. What? The kid rock and J.D. Vance with Erica Kirk. Anyway. Which is so fucking stupid. Then the other idiots. San Francisco, bang Erica.

We gotta get Botanica in there. Enough. Enough with these old men with fucking heavy metal dreams. You made $20 million already. Move the fuck on. And you heavy metal fans, where your stupidity and your cruises, grow the fuck up. The mortgage is fucking due.

The mortgage is fucking due. Yeah. You know, Metallica. Metallica is great. I love Metallica. 2006. And I've never heard a bad money before. I've heard of them.

I've never heard a song. I thought it looked. I had no idea what one word he said was. Listen, I didn't know what the fuck he was saying. You know, I felt bad. They got Cuba. They got fucking cane fields and fucking. Anyway, I didn't.

just want to hear music. And if you're going to fucking be spick and come out there, you might as well throw heat like pit bull. Come out there and light that fucker up like pit bull would do. Right? Yeah. You got half a fagggy Martin. You got that ox and fucking that chick that, you know.

Lady Gaga. Lady, yeah. Come on, man. Enough. We're sick of this shit. I was watching it with Puerto Ricans. They were having a good time. Oh, no, Porter.

Listen, the only thing I felt good about, and I'm not ashamed. to say this, it was a good day for Spanish people. With all the ice and all the shit that's going on, they had their 15 minutes. You know, Jews have fucking Palestine. They can have a good time and bomb them at ease. Things are boring. Let's bomb Palestine.

Black people got Black Lives Matter. Spicks got nothing. Give them their fucking day. They've been getting tortured these people. They've been getting tortured. You know, think about it. You go home tonight and you got to fucking hide your kid and look behind both curtains and then go up to your house and hug your wife like you haven't seen her in 10 years

and hug her before you leave. That does a lot to the psyche. That does a lot to the psyche. You know, that's what these people understand. It blatantly looks like it blatantly looks with the immigration stuff. Like you hate Spanish people. You know, and again, it's like, yeah, but they're all rapists and murderers. Guys.

Give me a fucking break. That's the big boogie. That's the boogie. That's the boogey. That's the boogeyman. Right. That's the boogeyman. Right.

They're such bad people. They're such a... For 10 fucking years, you've been eating all their food. At least. For 10 fucking years, every meal you eat at Pepe La Pughes or Johnny Santorello or, yeah, that's a mob joint. They're all Mexicans in the back. So give me a fucking break. Yeah.

Give me a fucking break. You know? Yeah. And it's like, it's a football game. And you people were, I mean, whoever's controlling this,

whatever's going on, it's to have two sides to everything now. Everything has two sides now. Oh, let's do our own Super Bowl halftime show. I'm going to see Kid Rock. And for like dirty people. It was not good.

Yeah, it was embarrassing. But everybody had to turn it on. I'm going to turn on, Kid Rock. Come on, man. Give me a fucking break. give me what the fuck is wrong with us

just leave the soup bowl if you don't watch it go in the kitchen and eat with the kids that's what I did yeah I was in the kitchen and I was looking from afar people were talking so I'm deaf I couldn't hear what the fuck was coming out of his mouth oh bad bunny

yeah I didn't hear a word I barely heard the music but I didn't see people jumping up and down no they didn't have any of that pit bull would have came out and lit that motherfucker now Joey you like pit bull no I don't like people but he comes out

says three Spanish words, and those people lose their fucking mind. What's that song he's got? Gasolina? Huh? Is that... I think... Yeah.

They even sample Gasolina. But see, that's a thing. I liked that about yesterday or two days ago, because other halftime shows, they have, like, a fake audience that's, like, pretending like they had a concert.

They shot this. Like, I've never seen anything like that. They shot it in different scenes, and they took it around. It was a good fella. Yeah. Yeah. That's exactly what.

And they had different things. Like, apparently that little kid was the kid they took in the ice raid. That wedding was real. They had a, yeah. Yeah. That's what they say. Oh, okay. Oh, okay.

But. Who the fuck? Now you got a violin. That's the other part now. Oh, the kid got kidnapped. Who gives a fuck? Give them the job. You know what I'm saying?

Just give them the job. We're going to talk about. professionalism or your fucking resume now. Give him the job. Poor kid. He's like five years old. Yeah. So that I just,

that was it for me. It didn't matter to you. It was a bad game. Well, listen, you know what? It's entertainment, guys.

We keep forgetting this shit is all entertainment and we're the ones that take it too seriously. It's entertainment. You lost yesterday, but you had a good time with your friends.

Oh, yeah. It was a first. fun night. Okay. That's it. You'll make it up somewhere else. You might walk out right now if I have an envelope of $5,000 a minute. Ooh, that'd be nice.

You follow me? So it's like you didn't lose your life. No, I ended... I lost a $20. $20.20 was what I lost. Oh, I put so much. I ended up in 95. I lost 20, so I won 75 for the day. I think I won 30 playing fucking roulette. I don't give a fuck.

It's just your day. Brett Ernst has that joke about betting and his wife doesn't know how much that's on the game. Like, we have rent on this. I didn't have, I didn't go crazy. But I had one good bet that saved me. The pick six that killed the Patriots. I won like 400 bucks.

So I ended up breaking even. But it was, I was thinking about this. Isn't it crazy? Like, you've probably seen 50, 55 Super Bowls. Like, it just, like, I've seen, I've seen 30 plus Super Bowls now at this point.

It's like, I don't think done anything else that many times. Like every year of your life, you've watched a Super Bowl. It's pretty cool. Listen, man, you watch them, you grow with them. But then again, we've watched 50 World Series. See, I don't really watch any other sport like that. I've watched, I know how NBA finals, when I was younger, I watched a lot of NHL finals.

You watched hockey? When I was younger, I did. I didn't know that. When the Islanders were kings and the Rangers and the Islanders, you live, literally. to you. Wow, I only really did NFL. How long did you walk into a room and people talking, you know what they're talking about? Eventually, somebody offered me tickets to a hockey game, the Rangers,

Pat, the, the ref from North Bergen. When I was a kid, I kept bugging him and he got me tickets and I was blown the fuck away. I liked it that it was cold. Yeah. You know? Yeah, I liked all that shit about it. And I just thought, as I got older, it really doesn't work for me on TV no more. Aaron Berg invites me all the time and I just...

Is he hockey? Yeah. Oh, because he's Canadian. I didn't know that. He's Canadian, yeah. I just, you know, but I want to go to a ranger game, you know, like.

Because they, I feel like hockey fans really like, it's not as commercial. So like they're there, they really love it. Yeah, they really love it. Nobody wants to go, you know, people go to a baseball game to get sunny.

People go to a hockey game to get hit with the ice and see a fucking tremendous fight. Yeah. But yeah, it's a tremendous fucking punchout, you know, so. But yeah, this is,

it's what we do, brother, just trying to have a good time. I don't want to die and go in a casket with a sour face. I want to have a good time. Who gives the fuck? You know what? You get money. You get more gigs.

You need money? Do more gigs. Deliver pizza. I don't give a fuck what you got to do. Yeah. Yeah. No, I mean, it's it is hard. You know, but remember when you were broke, it doesn't feel that easy.

It is, but it is. But I always say this. When I was broke, I was still. living like a doctor. It was a different type of doctor. It was like a toe doctor. And now you're a heart surgeon. But now I'm a heart surgeon.

Yeah. But living like a doctor is not about money. It's a state of mind. It's like we grew up in North Bergen. North Bergen is not that same town. It was a state of mind that we grew up in that made us animals. All that shit is a state of mind. Oh, think of a book about it that way.

It's hard, though. I appreciate it's I'm jealous of people like you can do that and like just kind of like separate things in your mind not worry about things dog it took me a long fucking the older I get the more I worry 20 I was shit and blood out of my asshole I had a fucking hemorrhoid

in Aspen Colorado okay for six months I every time I wipe my ass there was a blob of fucking blood from worrying and what's gonna happen tomorrow you know what nothing's gonna happen tomorrow nothing.

You're going to wake up tomorrow. You're going to wash your pussy. You're going to walk out there to that bus stop. You're going to get on that bus. And you're going to go to your job. That's what's going to happen. There's no surprises. Ain't nobody showing up with a fucking check

for a half a million dollars. And that's the problem. Like even the last four months, I've been journaled a lot because that's how I got to get my head back. So I was journal a lot. And I was thinking to myself, like, what if, right?

Like, I journal a lot. I could just put shit on paper. Right. I used to journal in the morning. Now I'm journaling three times a day. Damn. Like, I'm writing a whole section in a notebook in two weeks. Like, you got a notebook with five subjects.

Okay. Like, this notebook's got two subjects left. Because I'm just... Journaling. Journaling. I forgot what I was going to tell you. But... You've been doing a lot more to get your head right, you said.

Yeah, I had to. I had to. Because I had so much... You have all this noise coming. in your fucking head. And you have to start playing judge to what's important and what's not. Do you reread it after you write it?

Absolutely. Absolutely. Like when I go home now, I'll talk to Mercy, talk to Terry. And at one point Terry goes up, I'll do 20 minutes on that notebook. About how I'm feeling,

how I'm adjusting to things, what I'm grateful for, the little things I'm grateful for. You know? So. And do you plan it? or you just go and see what happens? When I write it?

Yeah. I have a plan with one thing that happened that made me write it. But then from flowing, your other shit will come out. And you go, holy shit, that's pretty good. I can use it on stage, you know? And then will you go back and read like last weeks or it's pretty much burning? Because I can't read the hand writing. That's hysteria.

I write it so nobody else can read it. I put key words out. So if somebody looks like they can't sell my fucking. What are you talking about? You have your own, like, little code that you write your journal in? Yeah. That's hysterical. Somebody finds it.

I don't want them to know I fucked you in the ass in Atlanta. You know what I'm saying? I thought that was between us. What are you, what do you take out? I'm just saying anything, you know. You just be like Lee, Atlanta. No, no, no. I'm just saying, like, when you do a comedy and you say you bomb in that notebook,

there's a lot of shit I write in that notebook that people would read and go, what the fuck is wrong with this kid? I just have to make it like it's, it's my attention. There's one trying to fucking help out or something, whatever the fuck I'm trying to do. I just journal so when it comes to writing, it's easier. So if you journal every day, oh, I got to write a joke now.

It's a lot easier. Right. Do you journal? That's it, brother. I love it, too. Just getting older and better. You can't get older and worse. You've got to get older and better.

That's all we all ourselves. Yeah. Learned from the safe. Every fucking day. Not a lot. Just a little bit. Today I got to work at 803. will be there at 801 tomorrow

and by Thursday I'll be that 759 yeah learning from your mistakes because it is annoying when you make the same mistake over and over again call insanity

yeah I did that every day for 40 years getting up running a line of Coke thinking things are going to be different they were the same I owe for this Coke

I had to rob somebody and that's it yeah you know but we try now you're a doctor we're having a good time I'm not a fucking doctor

But in my mind, we live like doctors. Yeah, that's what I meant. You don't give a fuck because if you don't, then you have no boundaries for yourself. You go every day to live like fucking doctors. Today I had to go to doctor at 8.30 in the morning. Okay. And I took Terry with me because if the doctor talks,

I don't remember a thing he says. When I get home, Terry's like, what do you say? I have no idea. Call him yourself. So she's like, I'm sick and tired of this shit. I'm going with you. What are you thinking about when he's talking? I feel like you just have like a Metallica song in your head.

I'm just, get me out of here. What's all you're being beaten for? Well, the meniscus is going to rub against it. Just fixed at me. You'll tell me nothing. Just fix, didn't they?

Yeah, it's like when you go to some of these on, let me show you the master bedroom. Let's see the kitchen. Let's see what's in the refrigerator. And let's go to the living room and see the snacks. Why don't we start with the snacks? Let's focus on what's important. You go to your fucking bathroom and look at your bedroom.

Get the fuck out. out of here. Like, more, remember in Goodfellas? And this took six months. I'm not going to do that. I'll show you my toilet

with a shit stain in the middle. Anything about that right there. That's what happens that you don't hang your balls on the other side. You shoot up on the top of it slides down. Oh, my God. What do you got this week there?

This week, February 13th, Bedford Falls, 10 p.m. Next week, I'm at Saratoga Comedy Works headlining the 21st and the 22nd. All right. Wednesday, I'm at tomorrow. I'm at the, it's the best of the dojo. I'm going to stop by there.

And I think Thursday is the bucket show. Yes. They sold out already. So who gives a fuck? So if you didn't get tickets, go fuck yourself. Come to the next one. Go see who found that. If you didn't get tickets, go see who kidnapped the fucking idiot's mother.

That fucking twat. I need this shit every fucking day on my TV. And we got February 28th, the roast of New Jersey. myself Donnell Rollins Rich Voss The chick with the tattoos Oh Bonnie McFarland

We got a great little show Tiki Barber And fucking Natalie Cuomo And that's it guys That's all I got for you Thank you for listening I'm sorry I went off the rails You know like I said

If your mother was lost They won't look for your mother So fuck them That's it I love you guys Stay black Have a great week We'll see you next week

Thank you.