The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - Chinese Ribs for Passover

Episode Date: April 23, 2024

Happy Passover! Joey tells Lee what is so special and dangerous about the Austin comedy scene, why people call Joey the nicotine gum bandit, getting arrested by a cop on a horse, and what Jewish people should be allowed to eat during Passover. Support the show & get 20% off and free shipping at https://www.manscaped.com with code JOEY Support the show and try Blue Chew for free – just pay $5 shipping. Head to https://www.bluechew.com and use promo code DIAZ This episode is brought to you by BetterHelp. Give online therapy a try at https://www.betterhelp.com/DIAZ and get on your way to being your best self. The Mind Of Joey Diaz is on PATREON: http://bit.ly/TheMindOfJoeyDiaz

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Just for shipping. You're going to get the party for free. And now without further ado, let's get this party started. Where's little Lysayat at? On this planet, just to give up. If Uncle Joey could do it, I could rule the world. I see you got to be thinking. Welcome back to shit!

What's up, dog? It's good to see you, buddy. With all the Jews in the struggle, you know what I'm saying? It's the worst. Day of 23rd, I think. It's a beautiful day to be alive. What's happening, brother, man? Pass over, and we got into

not a fight, but an argument with Action Bronson when he came on. Because it's the Passover, like Jews can make good food, but Passover is like, it feels like a punishment when you're a kid. I heard of, it's brutal. You might as well be in Papillon and they put you in the desert. Might as well eat a roach to eat that fucking Jew food on Passover.

Oh, that's how bad is. It's very bland. It won't even give you a heartburn. You won't fart. You won't even know what in your system. It's like fucking, you know, it's like California. 20-year-old. You know, you don't even know it's in there. It just goes in there and it disappears. Oh, it's, it, have you tried get filter fish? Have you ever had that? When I was younger.

You did? It's like hot dog fish, basically. I think the Jews just eat peasant shrimp, like, I don't know if they didn't have fucking sushi. I don't know what was going on in fucking Jewville. I don't know if they didn't have fucking, you know, Albuquer. They hit you with these fucking nasty fishes that you got to dope up. I mean, white fish. I love. I don't mind the white fish with the mayo and all that shit, the cream. That's not bad. I love the salmon. You know, I like salmon

from all directions. I like the bagel. I like the pale Jews who make it. But that shit, you know, I don't think they give your brisket on Passover. There's no brisket. My mom makes brisket. My mom, that's the one rule I have for her

for almost every holiday's brisket. Yeah, you're going to show up with crackers and slim fast shakes. I don't need Remember Slim Fast? You drink it. You wouldn't fart. You'd fart, but it was like this invisible fog. Like you'd go to reach to see how the Slim Fast is working. And there's no odor to the Slim Fast fart. Why drink a milkshake? If you ain't going to get a little fucking... Let me tell you something.

You know our struggle with animals. We don't have to lie to nobody. You know, we've moved down. What I'm saying? People like, he didn't do it. Yeah, shut the fuck out. people had no idea what was going on behind the scenes. So, no. Especially edible wise. Like, you know, because yeah, we ate 2,000 and we got to the show, but what did I eat before that? You know, when I got, he was shaking like a fucking, you know.

So it's funny, honest to God, I've been very, very good. And it's like, you know, I learned to sleep without the edibles. I learned to do a lot of stuff without the edibles, which is very sad. because I wouldn't fucking go to sleep unless I took edibles that night. That was part of it. And I gave it a break, you know, three years. I mean, I cut back way. And then there was a point there where I started eating them again.

I'm like, I'm not going nowhere. I'm eating fucking ate at these things, you know. And I just said, fuck it. And then we started doing a podcast, and I said, let's do them on Monday. Now, I've been dilly dallying with them. Like last Monday, I think it was 100. You know what I'm saying? Like I've been just on the whatever 400.

taking a light. And Thursday, I was about to fly now since the pandemic. I haven't gotten lit up on a plane. Not even smoking weed before a plane. It's hysterical. Today was, I was leaving Austin out of joint in my pocket. I left it right on the trash at the airport.

Somebody comes in, the Pink Panther was there. So, I always leave little joints and roaches at places and then see how they react. People react to them and stuff like you never know. So Thursday I was leaving and I fucking go, you know what? It's 420 weekend. And I fucked up because I didn't bring the ABXs with me.

I just grabbed 800 milligrams, like four. That's one day. Huh? That's only enough for a day. Now, you know, I didn't know whatever. So I get to the airport. I'm a little scared of taking them. It's been the first time on a plane in fucking four years.

So Ari's in Newark Airport. And he meets me and I go, listen, Ari, I got to go grab a burrito, something to put in my stomach before I eat these edibles. So I went and grabbed the burrito. It was a fucking Arab guy with the turban. I'm like, I'm not even going to eat this thing. It's going to be terrible. I don't even know as soon as I saw the turban, he sell a Mexican food.

I'm like, where did I go wrong? Where the fuck did we go wrong? I mean, people would just say, but I tell you, I bit into the burrito because he had gloves on at least. If you had no gloves on, I would have just thrown it away, but he had gloves on and fucking, I took a bite out of it. Lee, it was the best brazed beef burrito I've had in my life. I had to eat my words. And I knew lamb in there, you know, he's in there putting in fake lamb or some shit.

I ate the whole fucking thing. And then I sat there and I was only going to eat 400 milligrams. And I said, fuck it. Let's go for broke. So I popped fucking 600. and then I didn't feel nothing so I popped the fourth one, right? By the time the little lunch came,

I was fucked up, and I was watching that show, I don't know what it's fucking called. Gentlemen, on Netflix, it's fucking tremendous show, but this Chinese guy grows weed and there's an English guy, and it's just a fucking interesting show.

But after two episodes, I just couldn't fucking take it on more, but I don't find that shit. when that little lady came up and she was like, this vest, I didn't know what she was talking about. You know, like when they show you the vest in the beginning with the blinking lights and the whistle and the air,

I'm like, what is this shit? Wait, here, I have a couple of questions. They do the vest at the beginning of the flight. I was already fucked up. I know, but you said you waited and didn't feel anything. How long did you give the first 600, six minutes? 20 minutes. 25 minutes.

We got shit to do with people to see. you. I had a movie to watch. You know what I'm saying? I got episodes. I got a Hulu. So you didn't really give it any. Oh my God. And then I couldn't figure out the fucking email. I couldn't figure out how to go

from computer to fucking you know, airplane mode. And I kept you know, you know, I'm not the sharpest mode. Now I got fucking a batch of T-8C juice in my bloodstream. And I can't figure it out. That took about 20 minutes.

But the clinker, the clinker of the night was when that bitch brought three pieces of cheese and two crackers. That fuck me up. I'm like, who does this to somebody? This is like Jews. That's what the Jews do. They give you three pieces of cheese and two crackers. Now, when you're sober, you just eat the fucking thing. But when you're high, you're like, why would somebody short me on a fucking cracker?

You know what I'm saying? And now you're like, how am I going to eat the cheese? Because you give me those two pieces of white cheese. you don't know what they are, but then they give you that dead, dead yellow cheese that's fucking old, but whatever they can chatter, Kobe. And you definitely did a cracker for that fucking thing.

You need a cracker. I just broke the cracker in half. I did some algebra, and I was happy the rest of the fucking flight. That's it. And I got to at 8, and I was fucked up late. And I got to my room,

and I was taking a shower, and in the shower, I'm like, I am fucked up. Really? Now I went to Red Band's room, the sunset strip, because there was nobody at the, at the mothership. And that's, I mean, I was high until I got home. After I got off stage, the edible settled down a little bit,

and I ordered like fucking 10 tacos. They were tremendous. Fucking bean and cheese tacos, Lee, with, oh, my God, took me right back to the fucking office. Yeah, steak tacos. Then Friday night at the mother's shit. shit, fucking whatever brought in barbecue, Terry Black. Oh, nice.

That's been great. The thing of turkey and a thing of fucking sausage. I didn't touch the sausage. The turkey was to die for. I wish I could have brought the tray with me. And I had some brisket. The brisket was so good and so thick. The next morning, Saturday morning I got up and I had breakfast and I went from my morning

walk and I smoked the number and I had a run back to the hotel because I had to take a shit, right? So I sit on this toilet. I don't, I know it's going to be. be deadly. So I don't even go into my room. I go right in the hall lobby. There's those nice bathrooms. And this is a great hotel. And the Moon Tower Comedy Festival was there. Right? So I don't even know it's the Moon Tower Comedy Festival. I get that. I see Mark Marion. I see Brad Williams. I saw Roy Wooden and Rachel Feinstein. It was great to see it. Todd Barry, it was great to fucking see see him, one of my favorites. And anyway, I took this fucking dump at about

10 in the morning. And, you know, this is a nice hotel. They got those porcelain tubs. But when I shot, it just went, bang! And the whole toilet shot, right? Like it rattled. I'm like, what the fuck's going on? So I look at it.

It was just like a six incher, but it was heavy. It had some meat to it, like a meatloaf. And it wouldn't flush. Do you know I went back in there like a four to pee and the shit was still on the bottom? And it would refuse. to flush. I must have stood there for 10 minutes

flushed in the toilet. I was so embarrassed. It wouldn't, it wouldn't give in. This was in the front lobby of the hotel? Yeah. And it didn't smoke. It was just, you know, a fucking missile in there. It looked like a zeppelin. It looked like a zeppelin. It looked like a zeppelin. That's what it looked like.

And then finally, after like, 20 minutes of flush and it finally just, I don't know. Oh, Jesus Christ. I left a little piece of Nickyngum to let them know it was daddy. You know what I'm that's your calling card the nicotine gum bandit you're just looking like everywhere like if I go to jihitsu I look at the parking lot there's all yellow gum

if I go in my gym there's 20 yellow gums that's the mark of the Cuban the nicotine gung Jesus and then I want to talk about you leaving you not shitting in your room will you leave your room to go shit in the lobby like if it's if you know it's going to be bad Well, you're downstairs already. Nobody goes to those backrooms downstairs. Just chubby professionals like myself that know about that hidden gem.

I love hotel rooms, but there's two things I hate about hotel rooms. Going to the bathroom in the hotel room and eating in the room. Okay. I really don't like eating in the room. I don't like people in my room. I don't know who I hate worse in my room, guys or girls. Oh, yeah. I'd rather not have anyone in my room.

we do Vegas, it's a suite. So I would have everybody come up. You know, we would order room service and smoke weed. But I don't... Well, yeah, you have a living room. Did you remember that? Yeah, of course, yeah. Okay, that was a cool room.

It was, but this was, it was pretty great weekend. I'm really proud of Red Man. He put something nice together down there. Oh, nice. It was a nice club. I mean, it was packed. You know, I just didn't do well. I was clunky that night.

I was still fucked. and high as fuck. I was high about seven hours. Jesus. Heavy, like those heavy seven hours where you're like, oh, I had a question myself when I would walk and huff and puff from the anxiety.

I was high. How do you feel going on stage high now? Is it any different? No, no, I didn't go on. That was the only night I went on stage on the other. I didn't bring any other ones with me. Right. No, but I'm not like the road.

I don't want to fuck around yet. I got to get comfortable. No. I do a couple of hits with joint. I didn't drink down there at all. You know, I don't... Well, I've really fucked it up. I didn't do acid this time.

The acid was there waiting for me. There was mushrooms. I don't do anything. You know, I really wanted to focus on these sets. And how did they go? It took me four months to turn a page. I finally knew what was going on with me, why I was clunky,

and it was very interesting. But I did. The reason I called you last night, was to talk to you about that scene. There was one, two, three, there were four, you know, I knew a lot of comics, but there were four young comics

that I had known comedy store in LA. And I watched them perform, you know? They improved so fucking much. Hassan? Mm-hmm. The top with the fucking beard. As San Amad?

I think I'm mispronouncing as last time. Here's a podcast with Derek posting. Just unbelievable. Opening up the room every night, confident. You know, you see it and it inspires you. You're like, holy fuck. When I go up there, I can't be fucking around.

And what came back into my comedy was the humanity factor. Since I only had 15 minutes, I was going up there trying to be fucking Rodney. And that's not going to work. That's not going to work. You got to slow him down a little bit, talk to him, let them know what's going on in your world and then attack from there piece them from there it's like so i figured that out after four months it took me four or five months but again i'm not working

seven nights a week if i would have been doing this but a second month i would have figured it out you know so it was enjoyable i had a fucking great time you know and uh i can't ask for anything else man at 61 years old this is exactly what I want to do and if that's where I'm going to do the residency next year like in September so be it what can I do

how do you how do you feel compared to when you started like how do you feel about like just the fact that you're doing it in January when I started back up in January and started I know who I am now

and I know my place I know I don't listen I had to find the happy medium like you're always doing life just because I had a family didn't mean I had a quick comedy didn't mean my thought it made me stop being a comic do you know what I'm saying and in my mind for a while I was like you know what I want to settle down I read a lot of Led Zeppelin books and when you know Robert Plant when he lost his son and after a long tour they would just not talk to each other for a year or eight months So that was the first time I had done that. I know for a fact, Lee, I can't handle the plane rides right now. Work myself up to it, you know, and go to my favorite places. But that's way down the line. That's way down the line right now. Right now, I just want to get my feet under me, you know.

I think after the pandemic, a lot of comics went right back from the pandemic to make money and stuff. And a lot of comics didn't have new material. They just went with it. And I think since the pandemic, I don't know, I think that we rushed back. I thought that comics would go back into, you know, comedy clubs for six months and work on that crap. They went right back to theaters and stadiums. It was like nothing happened. So, no, I'm, what's that word?

I'm pretty much anchored. I know I won't work this. I'm not sweating this at all. I'm not sweating this at all. I don't give a fuck what happens on stage. I'm going to be funny and I'm going to have a good time. And that's it. That's basically it.

And are you having a good? It seems like you're having a good time. Yeah, I had a really good time this weekend. And to be honest, I had a better time in the little room. Oh, okay. The room really sucks the comedy out of you. It's small. It's really fucking developmental room.

And I told Joe and a couple guys, I go, all I need is two weeks in this motherfucker. Two weeks and two minutes a night, I tape it. I got 45, 40, you know. You think you would get 40 minutes and two weeks? Out of that room. Yeah, because you go up there with no expectations. You don't even write the joke.

You just write the premise and go up there with the premise and put it to yourself. Who gives a fuck? That's the discipline, you know. and guess what? Those people that came on Monday saw that joke bomb. They giggled, but I didn't really get it.

By Wednesday, if they come back, it's got light to it. If they come back the following Wednesday, it's almost complete. It may not be tied into something correctly, but I took down a bit. Do you know what I'm saying? I took down a bit I wanted to try this week.

As usual, I pulled the Joey Dears. I left my notebook on the desk. Oh, you didn't bring it? Oh, no. So I had a dip into the computer, you know, and I'm not good with the typing jokes. It's just not me. I started writing them, and I remember more if I fucking write them. You know, I'm not going to say I can't write on the computer, but I didn't have my notebook.

I didn't have my thoughts. I thought of one topic I really wanted to dive into. And again, I didn't dive into it in the big room, but in the little room, it just popped up into my mind. I go, let's rock it. And I think I got three minutes. I saw it a bit and I taped it and I got home today after my nap I fucking wrote it down. That was it.

That's great. For everyone out there listening to do 40 minutes in two weeks I know you're just talking but like even if it was 30 minutes in two weeks is outrageous. I would come up with 35 minutes in two weeks.

Yeah. Which it's spawned into 45 and another week or so, two weeks. Because of the way this room, it's like the ice house. when we went to the nice house together. I didn't do jokes you heard before. We just ran out.

And those were the best nights we ever had. There was no pressure. They paid 20 bucks. They paid 20 bucks. You know, 20 bucks. And I didn't give a fuck. Remember, I did New Year's in there. Yeah, you do it.

90 because it's a flowing room. When you're in those rooms, who gives a fuck about the money? You're getting thousands of dollars flowing. from your head, which you never get before. And those are the rooms that you go up. They're a good audience. You know they're going to be good. But you're going to take a bullet, and you're going to go up there and just say the premises.

Fucking the Jews bombed Iran. Palestinians got a breather for a while. You know, the Palestinians will be able to eat again. You know, just little things that are coming. to your mind. Right. You know, and that's the beauty of this thing. I can't, after this weekend, I'm like,

I was laying that Thursday night on the fucking edible juice in bed, and I'm like, I don't know if I ever get dementia. This makes you fucking, this makes you think. People think like I'm quiet and shit. I'm fucking thinking. When I'm at that club,

listen, I don't want to get into a conversation with you. Like a deep, keep it light. How you doing good? how you feel great, how's your wife, tremendous. Move on. Because I'm watching. Yeah. Listen, and I'm thinking, which is very rare,

but I'm not talking. No, you're pretty quiet. I'm not talking. There's no reason to talk. If I talk, I'm taking away from the energy from the crap. I don't even get mad anymore before I go on the state. Like I was thinking about that I don't throw tantrums no more.

I don't call people names and shit. I don't yell at fucking Joe in the green room and fucking walk out yelling. He gets all happy when I fucking yelling people. You motherfuckers, I'm trying to focus on the set. You motherfuckers are talking about carrots or fighting. I'll fucking kill you. And people like, what the fuck is up with him?

And they don't know that as I walk out. If I call them all cocksuckers, I'm giggling because at least I got my thinking of and I got fired up. When I come back, they're like, ah, we knew what you were doing motherfucker. You insult us just get funny up there. Would you go from like zero, like silent, to just screaming at people about whatever they were talking about?

I would just sit there and listen to you talk stupidity for 35 minutes while I'm trying to focus on a fucking joke. And all I hear about is whatever topic you're beating the bones. And yeah, I want to go to the Netflix is a festival thing. I believe, you know, listen, just be funny. That's it. It's 20 minutes. You know, how did you feel when you shut.

the fuck up. How do I feel? I was just happened to be alive. I was on stage and they were laughing. How do you think I fucking felt? Like, fucking Madonna with a knee brace on, I felt fucking great. And it's, it's crazy that you say, like it reminds you of the stage two at

the old ice house. And I'm sure it's great now, but those, like those Wednesdays, because we did them for years, like off and on, but like, must have done at least twice a month. Twice a month. I did maybe two New Year's in there. I don't like big New Year's.

No, but those shows. For a New Year's fucking show. Expecting a fucking bottle of shitty champagne and some fucking party favors. So it has the right for the club to charge you $200 bucks because you're going to spend that shit like this. Are you fucking retarded? Listen, just give me the small 25.

We'll start the show at 7.30. I get you out by 9.30. You'll be at the Coke dealer's house by 10. Headed to a party by 10.30. You had a good time. You giggled. The girl giggled. I love that shit.

But a big production, I'm going to do a countdown. One of my Dick Clark. Get the fuck out of him. I don't even like the fucking... I don't even like the fucking countdown. Those are fucking new years up there. And people dug them.

7.30. 7.30. Let you out into the fucking horizon. Let's take a picture. You have a cocktail. And you could either go home. Make a reservation. to eat. You know, it's

I loved all that shit. I'd hate that second show. Oh, New Year's. You didn't have two shows at the ice house. What happened? You didn't, at least in the small room, you didn't really do second show. It was one show a night. And I'll put those I'll put those shows up against any, like, and I've seen you all over the country. I've, like, the store you were always great at,

but that room in particular, Because, like, there were, like, two rows. It was a table row. I think maybe two table rows and then, like, the back area where, like, they were against the wall. So it was, like, three rows of people were, like, 80 people in a tiny space. And it was just, like, I don't think I've ever laughed harder than those nights. Those were great shows. People have no idea.

As a young comic, everybody wants to strive to your reading and shit. But if you do comedy and you consider the audiences, listen, man, I grew up on listening to albums and had it. 200 people in the audience. They would tape at a fucking restaurant. You can hear the forks. Listen to an old prior album. Listen to an old red fox out.

Listen to an old white dude. Not. Lenny Bruce? No, no. Even Lenny Bruce. Even Lenny Bruce. You would hear people eating and drinking and you can hear the cigarette smoke. You know, you can hear the cigarette smoke.

That's how thick. There was 150 people in the room 180 was smoking. You know what I'm saying? like 30 women probably pregnant and they were fucking smoking. Like they didn't give a fuck. But yeah, I grew up on that. So that's what I really admired.

Just walking into a restaurant, people have their dinner. It's like one of those clubs from Goodfellas, that club bamboo, what I used to hang out with with the lamps. Right. Go up there, very professional, not looking like a bum,

you know what I'm saying? Like you put a nice shirt on, a jacket, whatever. You do 45 minutes. You could take them, wherever the fuck you want. That's why Richard Pry and those guys were so dirty on those. You could take them wherever the fuck you want.

And the people have a good time. You have a good time. And on top of that, you look at your tape recorder and go, there's four fucking new jokes on there. That's crazy that you said. I had a show like that this week, too. It was like. It was one of the best shows I've ever had.

Because I've only done 50. I think this was my fourth. time. And so, like, it's basically every joke that I've ever written that I like. Not exactly, but close. And it just, it was the first time, not saying I, like, killed, but it was the first time, like, I didn't really have, like, a lull in, like, the 50. Like, I kept the jokes flowed.

I did them in the, in a good order. I interacted with them a little bit. I brought some jokes about the city first. Some people, someone locked in and I talked to her for a minute. Um, And like it was probably the best like quote unquote headlining set that I've ever done. It's not, it was a brewery like an hour and a half outside of Worcester, which means it's almost three hours outside of Boston.

So it was, it's, it was a, in a great area. But it was, it just was super cool for me to be able to do that. You know, your stretch from time to time is good for the soul. But, you know, like again, like I said, everybody wants to be a fucking headliner. Oh, no. So you go for those 20, 30, right now you did 50. You know you could do 50. You don't want to put yourself in a predicament of doing photos

because you know you're going to go two for two. And those clubs on Friday late shows, they're fucking hell. And Saturday late shows when you're starting out there hell. And then you don't know how to control the early show because they're too conservative. So it's a very fucking, it's a very tricky. that's why I rather you learn that doing 20 and 25 because you don't know. You're doing two for two.

And if you bottom the food show Friday, you feel fucking terrible. Oh, I'm not, I think honestly. And you fucking go, what am I going to do Saturday night late? And then you, you know, like I told you, you see me ate a bag of dicks for four shows. Then the late show Saturday, I went off. I finally figured it out in Cobbs.

You know, we've been there for all those experimentation. So that's what's good about it, man. But it's fucking Passover. I hope these motherfuckers don't start no problems. I hope I don't have to go into the fallout shelter this week. Oh, Jesus. They were talking about it on Sunday, you know, that fucking on World News tonight. I was watching the fucking Dallas game.

And all of a sudden I went into World News tonight. And that was the first story. I only watched the first two stories. And then I got anxiety. as long as I am, why do I give a fuck about, you know. No, you don't need that in your life. But Austin was pretty neat. I figured out why, listen, the comedy scene down there, it's a great scene to develop.

It really is. And I forgot they do a couple festivals down there every year. So it makes everybody puts you up somewhere. You know, it's like the Netflix special. They're doing a couple shows in a church. They don't give a fuck. And it was pretty interesting. thing to see the city has grown, a lot of homeless, you know, but I like what they do on 6th Street.

You know, I don't know how wrong it is, but they close it off. And you can walk in the streets, you could, you know, they have tacos, they have all this shit, you're watching bands, you're watching, you know, balcony parties, and at least the city keeps you contained. if there's a problem in the city, 62% it'll be down there. And there's so many cops on every block and cars and the shit, they'll contain it, you know. I like that. I couldn't believe how close it was from the mothership to the Sunset Strip to the Moody Theater to Anton's where they were doing the Moon Tower parties.

I mean, it was really, I get it. You know, it's a great place if you want to do. comedy and you're not if you're going down there to get into the mothership and think your life's going to change that's not the attitude that's not the attitude because then you're going to be there's there's so many young comics trying to get in there and i don't have to take that's like so you back off you wait for the fucking cloud and then you go in there when you have the right time but there's just you know that's it they have a ton of clubs clubs which everybody swell of, but you

could tell that it's like anything else. In L.A., everybody wants a comedy store. People will give their arm to be at the fucking comedy store, you know? And for some people, it's a reality. And for some people, don't be, you know, like Rory, you auditioned 18 times. And do you think

Austin would be a good place to go for like a newer comic? Or do you think you should need to be, like in New York that you have to be kind of seasoned before you go to Austin? I think it all depends on what you want to do and where you look at yourself as a comic. If you were like me when I had three minutes, it's not the place for me to go. I was not good to go down there. I would have got laughed out of that town in three weeks. You should have 15, 20 minutes.

You should always be writing. By the time you get to Austin, you're not a professional comic yet because you're not making a living. What you are is up and rising. You're writing every day. You've found yourself a job that'll put enough money on the table so you can survive and pay your bills in Austin. You got a chance to do, you know, if you want to do comedy, you know those people. I really want to get down there, but I don't have to my wife. Listen, you don't want to do comedy.

Knock it off. But like me in 91 to 95, no wife, no responsibility, no kids, no nothing. Nothing. What do you do? You get on stage every fucking night. Two shows a night. And all of a sudden somebody will go, hey, come here every night and open up the 8 o'clock show. Whoa. There you know. A little step becomes a big step. I'm here opening up every night, doing 15 fucking minutes. Before the show gets started, before the night get started, I got a set every night that pays me 25 bucks. That's $125 a week. Yeah. Already, I'm rocking and rolling. Now, next month. I'm going to make a buck 35 a week somewhere.

And then you look at it money. You can look at it from, you know, this is how funny I want to be, or you can look at it in time. I want to do that when I have my 30 minutes. I want to do that when I have my 45 minutes. So it's pretty interesting. Those are the comics that go there and they're already working it. Like they're working it. They're not making, it's like seeing Stanhope in 91, 93.

He had done the evening at the improv. Okay. Started when I first met him, he was featuring. The second time I saw him, he was headlining. And I could tell that that was it. He was in the rotation. Was he ready to go to Hollywood? Not at all.

But he was headlining triple runs, and he was on the rotation. Boom. What that means is he drinks, he gets up, he writes, he drinks coffee, smoke cigarettes. and he gets on stage at 8 and just destroys the audience and he does it every night without hesitation lived in his car,

had a big hanger in the back where you would hang your clothes and slide it over he had committed to who he was and for a guy like me I was fucking inspiring I'm like we can live in the car I'll fucking live in my car

if it means for me to make money and save on rent and not have to pay for a hotel, I don't give a fuck. I'll take the 55 bucks they give me for the hotel. Stay in the car, sleep outside the hotel, and go in there at 8, and take a shower and swim in the pool.

I'm going to be a little... My back's going to hurt from sleeping in the car, but this is what you need to do. Whether you want to snort Coke or sleep. I'd rather snort Coke and jerk off in the car and look out the fucking door with you. You know, whatever. I mean, it's, but you're out there.

Yeah, I would. You're on that thing. You're just writing, performing, meeting, crashing at people's houses, you know. But to do that, you can't be calling home every day and going, hey, honey, I'm in Iowa. It's working out. You don't think so?

Damn. It, it must be rough. Like, I see, like, people living in their car and doing all that shit. I love, I really do love comedy. Living in my car is a, is that, I don't know, like, could you have done that at 35? I did it. At 35, wow, fuck.

Remember, I got into comedy at 28. By 95, I was 32. In 98, 99, L.A. What was I? 37. And I was sleeping in my car outside Josh Wilson apartment. But I was at the store. I was at the store.

I had a place to take two hours a day. I could take a shower at the comedy store at nine and take a shower at Josh's at six or Ralphie Mays. We had a community. Just because you had an apartment didn't mean you were rocking and rolling. You needed something and I could help you and you could help me. And when I look at that point in my comedy career, I talked about it in the book how, we had a big support. and it was funny.

They knew I took buses to gigs, and they would make fun of me. You know, what time is your bus? You know, I mean, it was, but everybody helped somebody give me a ride to the bus. That's great. And, hey, not all of them, but it seems like most of your good friends from today

come from that time in comedy. Well, you know, Josh Wolf, Ralphie Mae, rest in peace. You know, Doug Stanhope was a big inspiration to me then we lived in a four block radius you couldn't you know what I'm saying so when you were walking you were dropping in people I would drop in row I would drop in fucking Ralphies bother him for an hour smoke his weed then go over to Josh Woolf try to steal a turkey burger from you know

and then there was somebody on the other black forget who the fuck that was well Mitch Headberg was there but I only played tennis with Mitch down at Gorky Park I never really hung out with Mitch and Nick DePaolo They lived in that building across from where Ralphie. Was it? No, the other one, Sierra Bonita. But it was a community. People weren't laughing at you because you lived in your car.

They kind of looked at you and said, what the fuck was up with this guy? And do you see that happening in Austin now? Not people living in their cars, but like the group of comments that's there? In that car. Brian Simpson was living in his car. He just has a Netflix special on Netflix.

Hans Kim was living in his car. they went down there. And not in the fucking Rangerover or Testaroza. They were living in a fucking, you know, tempo that their grandmother gave them. You know, they just, guys, it's, it's just the weirdest thing where you put everything, everything else behind you. People will never know that feeling. It's a feeling that it's a lonely feeling, but at the same time, you become invincible

for having that power to do that. Like, I don't give a fuck about society. It's got nothing to do with what I'm doing. I do not have a wife. I do not have a child. My mother's dead. My father's in a nursing home with dementia. He don't even know who I am.

Every time he sees me, calls me Kiko. You know, it's fucking, you know. So what do you do? You tell me you want to be a comic. Yes. Right. I can't wait. You know, okay, well, this is your opportunity.

Yeah, but my friends, I'm going to miss them. Your friends will understand that you're going for your dream. Don't come back here 10 years. A loser and then tell your friends what happened. If you do that commitment, you're not going to come back here, a loser. You're going to come back here a fucking winner. You know, when you have the ability to give everything out, I mean, I was at the point I gave my health up.

My health. Right. I didn't give a fuck about my health. I didn't give a fuck about lifting weights. All I gave a fuck was about moving from the 1 o'clock spot to the 1230 spot at the store and what I needed to do.

I had no agents, nobody wanted to rep me, Montreal, all those people didn't want to talk to me. So I had one job to do. And that was to move from 1 a.m. to 12.30 at the store. And then from 12.30, to follow the 12 o'clock spot at 12. team, which is Paul Mooney.

And then now on a Friday, she puts you up at 10.45. Don't get too excited. It's not going to be forever. But if you follow me, those are the little successes that you have to look at. And it's your mindset. You know, it really the mindset that you have.

Just because people aren't knocking on your door, it doesn't mean you're failing. It means that you need to fucking turn up the heat. You want people to knock on your door? Turn up the fucking heat. It's all in your mind, you know. Real quick, let me take a breather. Speaking of your mind, I want to talk to you about BetterHelp.

We'll be back in 30, 60 seconds. I don't know. Take your time. All right, you, Savage, this episode is brought to you by BetterHelp. Listen, the summer's coming. If you're pouring everything you've gotten to work and exhausted by the afternoon, it's time to make a change. Trust me what I'm telling you, I don't make a change.

Better Helps online therapy is incredible. Get matched with one of their licensed therapists. and learn what you like to do, what and who makes you happy, and how to set boundaries so you can live your best life. Listen, that's what they did with me. I was just telling me, I had some problems. I needed to know, you know, I didn't like the anxiety. I didn't like waking up in the middle night thinking about stuff.

She coached me. She spoke to me. I sat with them for like eight, nine months, and here we are today, tip-top, Magoo. So do yourself a favor. With better help, everything is done online. No driving to the office or sitting on the, the couch, you know, looking at some great couch. You can do therapy from the privacy of your own

home where you're relaxed and you feel more open. You understand me? It's great from the house. You don't have to drive nowhere. You're not there stressed out. And you actually get time to focus on what needs to get help. You don't have to talk about your day and how you cut off some guy. No. So just take a short quiz and better help will connect you with one of their tremendous licensed therapists. If you're not happy with your therapist, you could switch therapist at any time for no additional charge. But trust me, once you find the one that works for you, listen, BetterHelp will take you to the next level. So do yourself a favor. Learn to make time for what makes you happy. Forget everybody else that needs you. With BetterHelp, you're going to learn

what makes you happy. So visit BetterHelp.com slash Diaz, D-I-A-Z, today, right now, to get 10% off your first month. that's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P-com slash Diaz. Listen, this episode is brought to you by BetterHelp. They did miracles with me, so give online therapy a try at BetterHelp.com slash D-I-A-Z and get on your way to being the best version of yourself. Trust me, here I am four years later

and I'm flying through the air, like Joey, whatever. Anyway, back to the show. Stay black. I love you. We're back, bitch. if you're having problems go on to better help. I'll help you out.

I had problems. Better help help me out. And they gave me some exercise to work with. And guys, here we are. But, you know, it is what it is. But yeah, you know, listen, commitment and anything.

It's, it's, it makes me sick when somebody tells me they want to do something and four weeks later, you bump into them and they got a fucking sob story. it makes you fucking sick to your stomach. And eventually it makes people sick to their stomach to the point where they won't go up or they'll move with.

You know what I'm saying? It's kind of fucking weird, the balance you have to have. So whatever, whether you're an artist, whether you're a fucking, you know, a contractor and you want to be in like

customizing cabinets and all that shit. You don't get good customizing cabinets by reading about. You don't get good watching. shows you get good by installing them fucking them up costing yourself money you know putting a hole on the wall because you didn't measure it right uh painting it the wrong color after three or four years of that you either going to quit or you elevate you become this fucking you know you know i remember when i was roofing in 1991 my brother-in-law's were fucking geniuses they had been roofing since they were kids

and now they were in their 30s and I would go on the roof with them and see what they did like the pipes and shit and my heart would stop like how fuck how good of these guys are what they did they didn't get that good by taking classes

they got that good by being on a roof every fucking day for 10 years I was talking I had some work done in my place and I was talking to this old, uh,

wood guy, I'm, carpenter. And he was talking about at the beginning when like he was starting and they had him clean up and, and, and do like hard stuff like that for like a couple of years. And they would,

and he was talking to his owner years later about like what he looks for in someone who like to know that you're ready to do some, even if you feel like you're ready. He said like, the people who were too eager to like, let me show you what I can do. it took them longer to go in. He said the people who would like ask him questions

and like weren't always like the most certain right away moved along a little faster. It's really weird how it works, man. It's like I see it in jiu-jitsu. The guys that come in and fucking gung-ho and they're at every class and all of a sudden you don't see them anymore. What happened?

They broke their fucking clavicle. And wrestle these fucking guerrillas and they weren't ready. And then do they come back? Right. But then you get a guy that comes in twice a week. And a very unassuming, non-athletic. Non-athletic.

Never fucking lifted a weight. He only played ping-punk. That's it. Non-athletic. And he comes in there, and that's why Jiu-Jitsu is for nerds. That's why Jiu-Jitsu will always throw you off because I see muscle guys for years.

And all of a sudden, There's this guy. He takes his glasses off. He's got computer fingers. You know, he still has his pen carrier and his fucking shirt. This guy's choking, motherfuckers. He's technical. The other guy's using his strength.

Who's going to last longer? The guy that's technical. The guy that hasn't happened. You know, and how do you get technical by fucking showing up, you know? But, you know, a lot of shit's been happening in the news. Anything stick out for you? Oh, dude. I saw something and I don't know

I saw this thing from New Mexico where they arrested this guy and the cop was on horseback and he was trying to get the guy to stop this guy had just stole like a couple hundred bucks with the stuff from Walgreens and the cop was going at him like did you ever get stopped by like a cop on a bike

like this guy wouldn't stop like five minutes a cop on a bike or a horse? Horse well yeah the guy in New Mexico was on a horse you get stopped by a guy on a horse it's like just shoot yourself right there ask them to give you a gun

give me a gun I just got a fucking horse I think the best story of the week was the guy that left Florida drove to New York and lived himself on fire in front of the truck trial that is brilliant that you get in a car and go

you know what I'm driving 18 hours to go light myself on fire this is going to be perfect guy took no edibles. He didn't take anything. He didn't leave a note to Ali Osbar. He didn't leave a note to fucking nobody. He just went up in front of the courthouse and lit himself on fire. He just died two days ago. Rest in peace, I feel bad for him, but not really. You know what I'm saying? Not really. You're going to fucking drive 18 hours to light yourself on fire, you goofy

fuck. What were you thinking? You know what? I'm going to tame it down a little bit. Maybe I'll just light a fire instead of turning myself to fly. You know what I'm saying? Maybe I'm Maybe I'll just get some newspapers and throw some gas on it and light him on fire and throw a yarmica in there. So they're blaming on some crazy Jew guy and run away. Not this fucking guy. He went there and let himself on fire. And I'm like, does mental health, should he had contacted BetterHelp? See, that guy never listened to the podcast.

If he would have contacted Better Help, he wouldn't have had these fucking problems. But no, you know, he just didn't get advice to anybody. You call better help and you go, listen, I'm thinking of driving up to New York City from whatever hell home, Florida I live in to light myself on fire. They'll really help you. That's what better help fucking shines. You know what I'm saying? It is crazy when you drive. I forget how, but I think it was to Florida, like a tour from Florida.

This like astronaut drove, she like wore a diaper and then she went to go kill like her ex-husbands or maybe she could. kidnapped somebody. This was like from 10 or 20 years ago. Do you remember this? Like it was an astronaut, like a lady drove for like 20 hours. Not really. Last afternoon I remember blew up in a fucking rocket ship thinking she was going to go to the moon in 86. That was from here. They have a thing there. Andy, can you look that up? I'm almost positive that like she drove like 20, like she wore a diet. She didn't want to stop once. She stopped for gas. It was fucking crazy.

A diaper. I can't. Yeah. You know what? She's stinking with a clear head. I can't be mad at it. That's what I should do when I go up north. Put a diaper on so I have to stop every five minutes and pissing the bottle.

Make believe I got a flat and put the hazards on them over there pissing. Fucking hiding from satellites out there where they killed that guy from the godfather in the swamps. I pass that place all the time and I got to pee out. I'm like, Jesus Christ. Jesus. You get, man. do you ever do anything to like the gas stations that don't let you pee? I hate when they don't let you go into the bathroom.

I don't ask them. Why would you ask you to let you go pee? I'll go to the back and make believe I'm on the phone, take my dick out, pop it right there, close the door so the pee, don't go. The pee particles, don't go into the car. I'll sit real close. And I'll sit on the fucking thing and put my dick crooked and pee and then avoid my foot, make like a sweeping turnaround.

And I get back in the car. I don't ask, no, listen, if I don't have to walk into a gas station, I won't. I just make sure I'm not 500 feet from a school, because next thing you know, I got a little post off and fill out paperwork because I was taking a fee for it. Yeah. That scares the shit out of me. I'm going to be taking a pee one day, and cops going to pull up,

and also I got to register as a fucking sex offender because my dick was out, you know, in the back of a fucking supermarket. The funniest thing happened, the other down a flight. the guy next to me was the biggest blackest dude I ever saw. It was just me and him. Okay. And he's sitting next to me, and we both passed out on the flight back from Austin.

I fucking didn't sleep that night, so I just passed out on the plane. And I woke up, and about 10 minutes later, he wakes up. I'm sitting there like, fucking wiped out. And he goes, can I go to the bathroom? I go, fuck, I got to get up. And I had been sitting since the plane took off.

So I was tight. you know he comes back I go pee I come back I sit down Austin a little stewarder guy comes over and he's like you guys hungry and he goes yeah what do you got and the guy goes we got waffles left they might be a little soggy he goes what they got on the waffles and he goes raspberry and a little bit of marshmallow he goes I don't do marshmallows so I asked him I go you don't do marshmallows that's the problem and he goes I'm Muslim. They got pork at them. Oh, shit. I don't know that.

Yeah, you can't eat jello either. They have that silicone, that big lining, whatever. I don't know. I read about it like 20 years ago. I forgot all about it. When I was in Camp George West, a lot of the guys couldn't eat that either. I would go, why not? And they go, well, Muslim. But it was pretty interesting. I forgot. And then we were... What? That's like the quickest you've made a friend in years, just a guy saying, I don't do marshmallows.

Don't do much. You must have loved them immediately. Right away, that's like, oh, shit. shit and I'm right when she left I go what's the bottle of marshmallows I was gonna ask you that did you like have you ever on the road like has like a chef ever like done anything cool

for like have any like cool food stories from being on the road you know man the reason my comics like the road especially in the beginning like I wasn't you know it's like I was talking to you about stay in local

stay local run your local first you don't want to be a man without a fucking flag it's it's nothing way eventually you're going to have to do this so do it now right but I was doing triple runs and it's not like you're going to Austin or you're going to Dallas

you're going to towns where they have one movie theater and when you're there you're a fucking celebrity like there's 200 people at the show And you don't have a credit. Right. Because they come every week.

Yeah, they come every week, you know. So the people I met on the road, like those, that first year, it was amazing. It was really amazing. Like the people you bump into and they're like, hey, what are you going to do tonight? You know, was I telling you about driving 14 hours to do a showcase, so I didn't have enough money? and my friend had to lend me a car from National Rent a Car and give it dumb. At the time, I was working for National Fire washer. And my other buddy lent me 200 bucks.

And I remember I was going down to the sleep in my car. I left like a Thursday night and I got down there like a fucking Friday afternoon, tired. Excuse me, I slept like six hours in the car. And I get to the show that night. I got to take a little Puerto Rico. shower in the sink in the back, you know, and put moose in my hair. And I went up there and I did okay. And then the second show, I did okay. And I started talking to one of the guys. He goes, you sound like my uncle from New York City. And we

started talking. And at the end of the night, they're like, what are you going to do? And you're like, I don't know. You try not to tell them that you don't have a place to stay, you know. Right. I don't know. You know, and they're like, I might go get a hotel. And they're like, no, no, no, no, no, we got a basement. Come on over. Comics come over all the time. sleep, you smoke pot, and then tomorrow will go fishing, and then tomorrow and I will come do the show, and you're like, what the fuck? The first couple times that happened, you do sleep with one eye open. Right.

You know, what the fuck is this? But then you're like, okay, this is the road. And something good always happens. No matter what happens that's bad, something good will always happen. You could hit a deer and ruin your car, but on the way back, the tow truck drives. He's got a house and his mom is cooking. And you're like, wow. Wow.

You know, this guy doesn't know me from Adam. Do you think that still happens now? Yes. Yes. People are good. People know small towns are very good, like judges of character. You know, they're all Christian or whatever. And it's just, I still remember, like having no dough.

being all the way by the Canadian border. And we used to get checks in the sale in those days. It was all out of your pocket. You picked up a little bit of money for gas here. And I remember like this family came to the show. And I was with my friend Jody. And they go, no, check out at the hotel at one. We'll talk.

We knew the whole people. They knew the people at the hotel. Check out at three. And come over. We're going to cook that fish, pallick, hollick, whatever. They eat up. And they did. And here's me and Jody

at these people's fucking family celebration. Eat and fucking battock, whatever the fuck that fish is. And, you know, and then the guy goes, you know, we need a place to stay. And he goes, I'll call the hotel.

They'll give you a room for 20 bucks a night. And we say dead till Tuesday. Here we were thinking, fuck, we're going to have to sleep in the same room, be uncomfortable with a girl. $20 a night. It was $40 out of our pocket. We stayed dead to lose.

Tuesday and got out of that Tuesday. You know, you just, it's really good like that. It really teaches you about humanity. And this happens in Boston. If you go to Boston and I'm headlining and I'm from Boston and all of a sudden you're like, I'm good friends with Josh Wolf. I'm, oh, fuck. All right, where are you staying tonight?

You're like, I don't know. Come over. Come on. My wife's there. I got a basement, stay downstairs. You can watch TV. We'll smoke dope. And you're like, I just saved $100.

When you're only making $100, yeah. Yeah. Like right now, features are not getting a hotel room. No. Why are we, you know, that means you lose $1,000 to go out to improve your point and not get anything in return. I'd rather you, you know, and listen, you need to go out in front of real audiences from time to time to see what you got. Right. To really make adjustments in your game.

But if you're not, you know, there's a level that you just. killing yourself to live because you're just making enemies. You're going around the country, just bombing, and they don't, you know, they don't know what. At least I was keeping my bombs in the Midwest. Got it. Okay. I was keeping my bombs in Nebraska and, you know, fucking, where did I bomb a lot?

There was one state where I just did like a... Iowa? Not Iowa, the other one. Idaho. Michigan. No. Idaho, I just got arrested. You did well there.

Huh? You did well, but you got arrested. Yeah, there was one. Nebraska. Yeah, it was Nebraska. Okay. O'Galala. I went through, because I used to work for this company,

that that's what they booked, and they co-adlined me. I did, like, three shows, and they got all bad reports. I was like, oh, and three. Fuck. And then they hire you? No, I never fired me. I just, I knew it was embarrassing for me, but I didn't consider myself a co-headliner.

They did. My tape wasn't even a long tape. It was like a 20-minute tape, and they're like, you're a co-headline. I go, really? Okay. Well, he was also like a puppet act, and his wife was the assistant.

So once I found that out, I'm like, that's not really good for the ego right there. that a puppet act that's not even a good puppet. It's not like Otto and George was the fucking puppet act. This guy was like a terrible puppet act. You could see his lips move and shit. He had a wig. You know, everything you didn't need is a comic.

This motherfucker showed up with. And he's telling you that you weren't good? No, he made me a co-headliner. He owned the company. There was a guy named Tribal. Dave Tribble controlled the zone. And then this guy had like the real, Midwest, Iowa, Nebraska, South Dakota.

You know, he had that. And he gave me like he was, but he was, his real thing was Nebraska. Minnesota. He had the law in Minnesota because the lady who had Minnesota then liked me. So I couldn't do Minnesota. She gave me like Marquette College. I was just talking. I forget what this woman was.

She was a good lady. A daughter was her assistant. And she used to book the club and move. Milwaukee. And the people who win the club now are the owners of the comedy cabana in Myrtle Beach.

Oh, okay. When they opened that club, I was there for the 4th of July for Black Biker Week. How did that go for you? Yeah. Black biker. No.

It was okay. I mean, it wasn't like there was brothers at the comedy show. They'd done that they're asses on a bike with the sisters, with the thongs on the bike. But it was great. And then I became friends with them. I kept going back. I went down there about eight and nine times.

And looking back at it, do you think that Booker, who booked you as a co-headliner, should you have said, let me feature? I didn't really know, Lee. At the time, it was night before, and I was doing well. I didn't have a lot of time. I have, like, maybe 35. and maybe 20 of it was solid. I'm not going to lie to you.

And he told me, just do what you can't. But I was also doing shows that weren't called headliners. Like when I got there, they weren't there to inspire you, whatever. I was very low-key, so I would go up first. Okay. You know, because I was throwing 50-50. I didn't know what I would do up there. I didn't know if I was going to talk to the audience.

You know, it was so unorganized. back then for me. But I was organized to the best of my abilities, but because I liked the riff, it wasn't working. And by coming to New York, I started talking to the audience, which is the worst fucking habit you could pick up

because once you start going to the really good markets, you can't do that shit. Right, you can't talk, especially in the middle of nowhere. But like what I was saying is like, looking at like now if you were if let's say I got offered that should I just tell them no mate let me feature instead of go headline no it's Nebraska it's the Midwest ain't nobody even going to remember your jewess when you leave there whether you do good or bomb so that's how I looked at it

I think I was like well yeah it's Nebraska nobody's going to see me it's not like I'm not saying nothing bad about Nebraska I'm just saying nobody's going to see me Nebraska that's why I always really love the Tribal concept because it really battle test to you like I'm from New York City and I was in fucking Idaho

and Montana and you know all these places that I'm like I'm not going to do well now you never had because I'm so jealous of Tribal runs I would love to do something like that

and like I usually find if it's in the middle of nowhere like the shows are better like those audiences are better to me. But you'll do, you'll get there and you're in the middle of this dream. You're a fifth year comic.

You're featuring. And all of a sudden you look at the schedule. And you are in Iowa, but you're doing a Bowen alley. After his choir goes up on a Thursday night. And you get to that bowling alley and there's no green room. There ain't no pretty girls, you know, it's a chick with an eye patch. That's serving you. Same thing that gives you the shoes when you get in there.

She's making sandwiches and she's making cocktails. You know, I remember doing the longest yard, dog. Here I'm like, fuck. I just came out of movie with Adam Sandler. I didn't look at the schedule. At that time, I had a small-time booker who said, let's do a trial run of like six weeks and we'll reevaluate. Well, after the six weeks, I never heard from the guy again, right?

I never did. That's all. No, heroes never called you back? Six shows. The last thing I heard from a booker was a year later when he put me in collection for $200. And I had to fucking send the paperwork that I paid him and then I went away.

He took it off the judgment. I never heard from that guy again. I never owed him to $200. He just never got it or some shit. But it was really insane. He put me on like this six-weeker. right after the longest yard came out. Atlanta.

Okay. Chicago, Texas. I was going to Beaumont because I really liked Beaumont and Slade Ham was down there who just released the special. I don't know where else I went. There weren't big markets. What venues were you playing? Well, I never forget that right after the longest yard, I went to, the week the longest yard came out, I went to Houston. And I watched the movie with, uh, Houston.

Houston Texans. That Thursday, early screening, and then Friday, we all went to the movies in the morning, and then the movie came out, and it was great. And then, like, two weeks later, I went to Chicago. But I didn't look at the schedule. It was Chicago mixed in with Iowa. And that's where the Bowling Alley was. And I'm like, I just did a fucking movie with Adam Sandler, and I'm going to fucking Bowman Alley.

Fuck, no green room. people are coming up to me two of the time. How's Adam Thaler, man? Is he really cool? Do you have his number? You know, just like, and you're like, oh. Were you at least headlining? Yeah, yeah, yeah, I was headlining.

That's part. And then I remember going to Atlanta. I'll never forget going to Atlanta. And when I got there, like, it was three weeks after the movie came out. There was maybe 200 people there. It may be sat 300. And I remember walking in. and people were coming up to me.

You were great. You were great. I got up, I got on stage. I did good for about 10 minutes. I don't know what I was talking about. I went dirty and I lost them. And after the show, huh?

Yeah. 10 minute mark you lost them. Yeah. And those same people were coming up to me in the beginning or like, when I walked at the end of the show, I go, hey, and they go like, oh, go away. I was like, okay. It was a tour from death.

14 years into comedy, 15 years, 14 years, and I really wasn't ready to headline. I was not a headliner. Even though I had the material, even though I was a regular at the store, all that shit didn't matter because you could have the material. But there's just something when the switch goes off that you're a headliner. And I didn't become a headliner to after I met you. let's be honest the first couple trips I did I remember going to Columbus I didn't do too good

in Columbus dog no I got to Columbus for like a year and a half and I didn't know why and I'm in the back of my mind I didn't do good I did five shows they were like I sold out three of the five but

and I did that one year where I just went to see headliners on Thursday and I still think about Geraldo and Ralphie they were the best two I saw that year from the back of the the room. Nobody knew I was there.

And I was like, those are headliners. They have a pace. They know where they're going. At that time, I was very clunky. When the checks were dropped, oh, done. I haven't even dealt with that yet. Done. Done.

Done. Done. If you think showing your dick on stage and seeing people's reaction, wait till they get the check. And then you're up there fucking throw in heat and they're like, $86 for chicken strips. You know. I want it did it take you to figure that out.

That's another year. And then you go to people and you go, what the fuck? I'm bombing after they drop their checks. That's a complete different education that you're throwing heat for 45 minutes and all of a sudden some lady comes and drops check. And it's Friday night.

These people have been giggling and all of a sudden they get the tab. If there's 50 people, if there's 100 people in audience, 50 people are going to go okay we got the money but the other 50 people man mozzarella sticks 895 they weren't even done

and all some the arguments start and who's circling items and now you got to get them and it's like a mixed audience you got like 50 people giggling at once and the other hundred are like arguing about that check I didn't drink the champagne he ate the wings put it on his tab

you know you don't know how to handle that shit no And then how we can establish, you could tell the place to drop the checks after you get off. But that's a pain he ass because now they've got to stop everybody and make sure everybody paid at the end of the show. So that means if you have a 10 o'clock show, that's going to stop them even more. It's going to have to go 1030 because it takes all those people to check their tabs. You've got to give them a receipt to get out. Right.

No, it is nicer on the show, though, when they do that. So what do you got this week, Tarzan? You don't do comedy during Passover, but you're like it's, it's, it's, it's, what's the story? I have three shows this week. On Wednesday, I'm at Off the Rails in Worcester. On Friday, I'm at the comedy scene in Foxborough, and on Saturday, I'm in Dennis.

I'm on Cape Cod on Saturday. On TikTok? Cape Cod. Cape Cod. The Palem House Resort, yeah. What are you doing up there? They have a boat up there, right? And they might.

You know what? I had an interesting I just, this is a group that run some clubs up here and they do shows throughout the area and they offer me this show

and I can't wait. The comedy scenes cool. The comedy scenes where they have where the Patriots play. Okay. Now, Club up there. Passover runs

from yesterday to next Monday. Yeah. Okay. And then you're done. Oh. Yeah. Just talk about Passover this week and what it means to you.

And, the bad food and grandma and a fucking do you get any money on Passover anybody tore your $20 a bill They kind of do Not really But there's a thing with the Mata

Where you hide it And then the person who gets it usually gets some money There's always some money Part to the holiday but It's called the Offi Komen You know what's crazy that that Masa You don't even really want to find that You're like ah

Well you want to find that one because that one makes money. Not, well, I'm kind of. They pass the line. Yeah, and that's the problem. But you got to eat matta all the time on Passover. It sucks. And all my non-Jewish friends always pretend they like matza.

And for everyone who hasn't had it, and it makes a saltine taste like a flavorful, Mata's disgusting. You don't see me putting Swiss cheese on matches with some deluxe hand from boys. That's fucked that. That's what you have to do. That's what your sandwich would be.

And I'll tell you what, that, just bring some ham and cheese. I would. You can have ham on that. You don't know that. You don't know that. Fucking show up with some ham and cheese, make a little fucking,

a little mossa cordon blue sandwich or some crackers. Nobody knows nothing. Yes, they do. First of all, you can't mix cheese and meat at all. And then the ham is like, you can't. Why can you?

You said that you can't mix cheese in hand. literally almost every Jew if you don't let's say you have the Swiss on the right hand and the ham on the left hand then you beat the fuck and you found the loophole no there's no ham

at all no ham no bacon no shrimp for good Jews listen bacon and shrimp I see but little ham ain't gonna kill you on fucking pass up just a little piece you know what I'm saying you just I would love to see you argue with that with the rabbi

who make them spin it nice and slice nice and thin so it just falls on the masa you throw a little fucking cheese on that bitch yousa yousa yousa yousa I would love to see someone have a ham sandwich on Passover oh I would show up at your house with a ham sandwich that's the name of your first album showing up

at passoat with a ham sandwich you know what I'm saying oh yeah that would you'd get beat up that's like oh my god that's like almost a hate crime in Judaism. Really? No. Well, you can't eat pork. I know that. Oh, I show up with some Chinese spare ribs and thwart them. That's a loophole, too. Those Jews, they mean like pork cutlets and, you know, like white meat pork. They didn't say nothing about the fucking, uh, that is they did.

No, they don't. Do they have, they have kosher Chinese restaurants. I'll take you next time. They have kosher ones with no pork, no pork, no shrimp. How do you think it is? Listen, listen. Listen, why are we hypocrites here? Why are the Jews being hypocrites right now? If I showed up at Passover at a Jew house, one of those motherfuckers will break. Oh, my God.

All right. Holy shit. Yeah, it's the worst. I can't stand it. I can't stay. And how upset would you be if we went to a kosher? They have a kosher pizza place, too? Like, with like beef pepperoni?

but meatless pepperoni yeah and beef I think maybe do it actually if it's really kosher they probably don't have any real meat toppings listen all that stuff is great I believe in the kosher rules and stuff like that but listen

I could I could fuck it's like I could talk a guy to suck in my dick with an eight ball three in the morning yeah I could talk to Jew and eat the fucking nice spare rib from Freddy's on Paso that's easy that's like there's got to be

a loophole. The Jews aren't really bad on loophole. The sauce, there's something. You could just show up and go, guys, I looked in the fucking Koran, whatever. I bought some fucking Jews eating Chinese ribs on fucking

Passover. If it's good enough for them, it's good enough for me. They were eating fucking ribs doing crab of God at the park. You know what I'm saying? I wonder I wonder which one would date you longer. You think which won't be easier?

Jew eating pork or getting a blow job with an apeal? They're both about the same. I mean, you know, not now. I'm a 60-year-old man, but... No, I know that. And you also don't want a guy to suck your dick. Oh, yeah. I would look at those guys and go,

if I had an able, I could talk them to suck in my dick. You know, it's cool. Everybody does it. I didn't know. Oh. Oh. I love you, buddy. I love you, too, man.

Happy Passover to all the Jews and the struggle. You know, I love you. Listen, if you're Jewish, take a chance. Columbus did it. They bombed. I ran this week. Show up with some ribs of Passover. And throw Grandma for a loop.

Grandma, put the $10 bill away. I don't even want it. I'm not going to find the matzah, but listen, I want you to try these fucking tiny sparrubs. I found the loophole, Section 8. page 352 Holy shit they're gonna get some people

kicked out of the will nah dog and then you know what it'll spread you just got to introduce it to the Jews and tell them listen it's a different Jew out there you know it's a different Jew the world's were different now

especially you know anyway I'm high I don't even know what I'm talking about no more thank you for doing a happy Passover and we'll see you savages next week and now for a word

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