The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - Comedy, Sex, and drugs with Aaron Berg

Episode Date: April 1, 2025

From being a stripper in his 20's to filming a special while doing 26 spots in one night, comedian Aaron Berg has led an interesting life. He and Joey Diaz compare strip club stories, talk doing acid in San Francisco on Joey's Honeymoon, and much more! Support the show & try your first month of BlueChew for free, just pay $5 for shipping. Press in code JOEY at https://www.bluechew.com If you're 21+, try VIIA during their annual SPRING 420 SALE for Black Friday-level savings up to 35% OFF site wide with code JOEY at https://viia.co/JOEY

What's happening, you savages? What's going on, doctor? I had a great week, dude. I know. Mom was in town. You went to a play, you tap dance. It was great. You know, the play was a lot of fun.

But just like, I don't know. Every couple of weeks, I just realized him in New York. And I just had a good stand-up week. I did the dojo. I did Broadway comedy club. I just had a good week. No complaints. Every week, you know, every week something shitty happens at some point.

But last week was a good one. Bro, you get good weeks in life? And you get bad weeks in life. But when you get three good weeks in a row, then you have, like, you have a flat tire on the parkway at four in the afternoon. That's fucking humiliating. That makes everything good. You still want to shoot yourself.

Oh, yeah. Like, whenever you got a flat tire somewhere, it's a fucking, watch. I'm going to get a flat tire tonight for talking this fucking nonsense. I got one in New Jersey right before I moved here. An homage dude had metal shit fall out of his truck, and he went, sorry. And then he just left. and then New Jersey has weird corrupt rules where you can't have a tow truck come to you

that has to be New Jersey, has to send a tow truck to you and it luckily was okay but they tried to overcharge me too they told me one number on the phone, one number in person so yeah the dude that and getting your car broken into I don't know if you remember right when we left L.A. Someone broke into my car at my apartment complex

I don't remember that will piss you off oh yeah it was just in my garage and I came down in my podcast bag was just gone. It was just a window was broken and they stole a backpack and it's just like stuff like that happened just like you're not even upset almost. You're just like ready to kill yourself. I don't know.

It's just the worst. When I was living in the, when I was living in Hollywood, Hollywood with my wife, we had the one bedroom shit apartment, nine fucking cats, but we had a garage. Did you ever even go? No, no. No, I was a way after. I met you in the Valley. Yeah.

Before I met you, I mean, her and I couldn't make $700 a month rent. This apartment was, this apartment building was rent controlled. And it was old. The bricks would move. I mean, one time there was an earthquake and those bricks were going up against each other. They evacuated us. And somebody paid. Like, don't worry, the building's going down in three years anyway.

It's next to the gay and lesbian center. The YMCA or something right there. The YMCA right there in that corner. And what the fuck are we talking about? I already forget. I'm assuming someone breaking in or... And one night, everybody fell asleep. I'm sitting there.

I'm bored to death. I had the monkey on my back. I was fighting it all night. And I'm like, fuck it. I'm like, we've got a package at like two in the morning. And when I went out to the car, I went, I picked the package. When I came back, there was a girl downstairs. I think she was a half a hooker, her and her sister.

We were half a hooker. The one was, like, mediocre, but the one was killing it. Killing it. And she had a boyfriend. And then one day the boyfriend came up and he goes, I don't know if you remember me. I go, no, I don't. He goes, I'm the guy that jumped off the roof

at El Compadre one night. And I lived. I broke my both nebulas, whatever the fuck you like. There's the shit I dealt with in Hollywood. But when I came back that night, I was already blasted a little bit. And I remember going upstairs. And I never closed the car.

We had a fucking zion. What do you call it? Neon. We had a fucking, whatever neon. Dog's neon. It was a debt trap. Didn't have breaks, the fucking windshield wipers. And, you know, for a long time, I had change in the fucking ashtray.

That fucking was a lot of money in there. It was like $22. To me in those days, that was a lot of money. That's like an emergency Chinese lunch. That's a thousand things in those days in my world. That was your savings account back then? And, bro, it was like holding on. Like the ashtray was starting to bend.

It was all quarters and shit. And I had CDs in there. And the next day I came out and they stole the whole fucking ashtray. And it did kill me. I forgot all about the feeling of the pain that you have. And you can't even for that, like I at least got some money for the stuff they stole because I had receipts, stuff like that. I got new podcast equipment.

It was just annoying. You can't call the cops over $20 in quarters or did you? No. The way I looked at it is, A. How many times did I rob people for quarters? I used to work. In 1993, when I lived in George, I used to work at the Jeep store on 12th Avenue, New York City.

Okay. 11th Avenue, whatever the fuck, that Jeep store is. You know how many times I showed up there at 8 in the morning with not a dime in my pocket? And I would go right to service and start going, I sold this guy a car. Maybe I left my wallet in there, and I'd take everything in the glove compartment,

including the fucking tokens to get over the Lincoln Tunnel. Remember those little tokens with the Y? Because you can sell those things. I would fucking take like tons of those tokens and just walk around New York. You want to buy some tokens? Yeah, how many you got? Give me $10 for fucking $8 to me in those days. In 1983, $8 was a lot of fucking money.

That's a nickel bag and a train ride to Harlem. I still got to walk the bridge, but fuck it. It's worth it. I'm getting exercise. I'm smelling some good fucking air. Maybe. I don't know. When you walk over the bridge, man.

It's fucking beautiful. I've never done it. Oh, you walk over the George Washington Bridge. And it's nothing. It's really nothing. I don't know how far it is. Break it down, George. How far is it a walk?

A mile and a half? Yeah. But most people do it for health. You're doing, because you were broke? That's a different. Well, fuck it. Listen, you got to win a little. Like, I would steal from ShopRite.

Okay. I would go to ShopRite. Again, my mentor taught me this trick. I would go to ShopR. What is it? Midol. No. I used to steal the cream for... Pepper. No, no. The big money was the shit that women put in their monkeys when they got a yeast infection. That was that preparations for hammer rights, please. I know them. I know preparation age personally.

You're like a street pharmacist. You're like, no, not the preparation age. The hot stuff in those days, which he fucking forgets was the yeast infection medicine and Tylenol. Tylenol extra strength. And Safeway was on the other end of the fourth. Fort Lee Bridge right there. It was right there. And they had the best lobster biskin the business. And I would walk in there with a suitcase, like a businessman's suitcase. And I'd walk in there and they would have, these poor bastards would have the yeast medicine, but up on top, they'd have the backup. I wouldn't even fuck with this. I'd just take a case and put it in the bag and walk out of there. There was no security. I got there before security.

Security would get there like at 8, 805. They got to drink coffee. They got to put that costume on. I was already on my walk over the bridge to see Pepe at the bodega on 181, like, damn, that's where you took me. And that was like, dog, when I was selling cars and doing comedy in the beginning, that was, that was my morning money. I just have this image. Did it have, like, a, like, the metal clicks at the end where you go click and then it's like two little, like has little codes on it for your little, the briefcase, like that you were playing them in? No, no, no, this one Jimmy Schubert gave me this. Okay. Somebody gave me, I don't know who the fuck gave it to me.

Then Jimmy Schubert gave me one when I first got to L.A. And I had that one for years, but I didn't even know Jimmy Schubert. How many days a week would you do this? Whatever was needed. If I woke, listen, some nights you picked up 60 bucks, you stopped on 181st Street, you picked up a fucking G-bow or two, you walked home, you fuck, whatever. And then you wake up in the morning, you got $2. At least that's

a bus ride. And those days, that got me into the city. Once we're in the city, we'll burn that bridge when we get there. You know what I'm saying? You don't know who's going to leave a purse on the bus. You don't know nothing. You're going in there with open eyes, ready to stab a motherfucker. Jesus. This is when you're a hunter.

This is when you just become a hunter. You want to be a comic. You don't want to be part of society, correct? When you become a comedian, you don't really want to be part of society. You want to be a renegade. Yeah? Okay? You want to party at night and get your dick sucked and party with people.

And, you know, whatever the fuck it is. Your alcoholism leads you. to be a comic. Who the fuck knows? For me, it was all those things. What were we talking about here? About why you were stealing every day? Why you were stealing.

So to sacrifice that love and not having a full-time fucking job, I can't sing a dance. Right. It's interesting because I never wanted a day job. Right. I thought my days were too valuable. That's what I mean.

That was 90% of the decision for comedy. Either that or work at White Rose Warehouse in Seacawks, and loading lobst tails all night. Yeah, but... I never wanted to work days. Never, never. I don't think a lot of people want to work days,

but most people don't go to... But they don't have a choice, so they never made that decision. You know what? I want to make me happy. I got to make me fucking happy, okay? I like my daytimes. I like going home when nobody else is home.

Yeah? You go home, nobody else's home. You get home at 6.30. You smoke a number. You make three eggs with fucking a steak. You watch the view You bang one out You go to bed at 10

You get up at 5 Mom's there Whatever the fuck You know working nights Is pimp work man I love working nights And then Friday nights Maybe you got a job

But all you got to do Is going at 7 And they send you home at 9 Because maybe there's three Trucks to load Very interesting But we're talking about trucks This guy's gonna be upset

That I brought them up But you guys are gonna love this Friday night My wife and my daughter Have to go to a tournament I can't go because I would never make it back. The first game was 11.30 on Saturday,

and it's a two-hour minimum to come back. I don't know the town. They didn't have a beach. That's all I know. Some town in Jersey, they didn't have a beach. So Friday night, they leave at about 7.30. I'm sitting there. I can't watch basketball.

And I can't sit there another fucking night, especially around my wife. At least my wife will find a show. I don't know how to fucking do Amazon and all that. Paramount Plus and fucking whatever. So she always finds that shit. I'm good with the regular channels and, you know, whatever, TBS and all that regular shit.

So I'm sitting there and I'm like, what the fuck am I going to do with my life? I can't smoke a joint. I really don't drink. You know what? I'm going to eat some mushrooms. So my wife made chicken coutlets before she left. And I had two of them with ketchup

and I was eating fucking chicken cullets and stuff in my face with these mushrooms. It was like 10 grams. I weighed it and everything. What do you, um. Dog, I was solo and I wanted to see the devil. I can't smoke a reefer and I was gonna pop an edible at some point in the night.

Not yet though. Not yet. Okay. Aaron Berger, you gotta love this shit. So I go, let me go get sushi. In my mushroom mind, I'm gonna go get sushi. Right? So I start driving on the nine.

I make the U-turn legal and I go into the place and I pull up. There's got to be, I thought it was a Japanese parade. There had to be, you know, a bunch of Japanese people, a bunch of white people. They were waiting to pick up their orders and deliveries, and they were waiting for people to go online. I go, you know what? I could probably go and then get like a table for one. They have those little tables.

Yeah, of course. But I'm not walking through that crowd on fucking mushrooms. I don't deserve this. So I said, fuck it. I turn around again. I get back on the nine, the route nine. I'm going up, and I'm like, man, there ain't fucking nothing around here. And also I go, you know what?

but maybe I'll go to North Bergen. And then I'm like, that's a bad idea. The fucking chief of police just shit on his desk. Oh, yeah. What am I going to do, drive up and down Kennedy Boulevard and shit, right? And all of a sudden, I go, oh, shit, Bourbon Street. Bourbon Street is a little fucking strip club. When you get off the parkway onto the 99, there's two big strip clubs.

There's the whatever it's called, I forget what it's called right now, Triple X. That's live and kicking. They got fucking naked women in there, women flying through the air, the whole thing. I went there like two times when I first moved here during the basketball playoffs because my kid I grew up with from North Bergen owned it. So I would, he invited me in there and I went up there two times. Always very, you know, it's okay, but it's not, you're too old. You're too old to enjoy a strip club. For me, I thought insecure when I go in there, but not this night. I go, you know what? Here's the deal. It's five to nine. I'm going to fucking go in there. If things are creepy, I'll have a drink, whatever, and I'll leave. And I'll go home and deal with this fucking mushroom hell.

I'll go do something. I'll find something. I make the U-turn. I go into this thing. As I pull up, my friend calls me. We're talking about music. I grew up with this kid in North Bergen. A villa.

He was on the podcast. We're talking about bands and all this shit. I get off the phone with him. I probably walked in there 10 after nine guys. I went to a corner. I sat next to the little skinny black nude that looked like Marvin Gay. And it was me and him in the corner.

The mushrooms are hitting me. I'm on fire. And there's purple lights in these places. And there's music. But every time a girl would come up, the DJ would go, watch my girl Amanda. She's going to fuck up that much.

Like he was just talking like I would talk. And I'm howling at him. And the mushrooms are hitting me. And then all of a sudden, the girl comes out, what do you want to drink? I go, you know what? Fuck it. Let's go for broke. Again, something completely out of my character.

Heineken. Go, give me the coldest motherfuckering Heineken you got. And I started drinking Heineken. Finally, the brother recognized me. And he's like, dog, can I buy you a drink? I'm like, nah, let me buy you a drink. Boom, I bought him a drink. We started talking, and boom, I don't know where.

Listen, they had knockout women in there. I don't know if it's like that seven nights a week, but I know Friday night, they were off the hook. They were clean. They didn't fucking work. There was no gangster shit. It's like a neighborhood strip club. That's very, you go in there.

You could talk to the chicks. I'm sitting at mind of my own business. And this beautiful African-American woman. When I look up like this, you know, when you turn in a restaurant on a bar, when somebody taps, you go like this. When I went like this, I thought she was shack. That's how tall she was.

But guys, beautiful, just stunning. with the dreds wrapped around her head stunning. A beautiful face, 23 years old, 5'10, what do you want to do? 265. You know what I'm saying? Bam! Bam! And I'm looking at her talking to her.

I'm like, this girl's fucking gorgeous. And she had a sense of humor. She was from New Brunswick, and we started talking, college. She's a dancer off the thing. She showed me her pictures. Me and the brother were just laughing. And when she got up both of his life, man, that girl's fucking cool as fuck. but my daughter's 11 years older than her.

I can't get a lap dance from her. I'll be fucking, you know, when you get a lap dance, you're thinking about your kids, you're thinking about your nieces, you're like, what the fuck? You know, what kind of pedophile am I dancing with these women?

So I just went in there and tipped them. When they circle around, I just went in there and tipped them. They come over and you just give them three bucks. I went like through fucking cash, like a motherfucker. Did not even give a fuck. You know, like when you go to those triple, you got to save 50 bucks for a guy.

I don't even get it. I don't give a fuck. I got quarters in the car. I don't give a fuck. And the next thing you know, fucking, at the end of the night, the owner's like, listen, can I get you something? A lap dance, anything? He goes, I would hate for you to leave. Great guy, Giovanni. I get a lap dance with this beautiful Russian girl. Another one. I thought it was, you know, she was six foot one. Just beautiful.

It was the best lap dance I've ever gotten in my fucking life. I was sweating. I had to like tap pot at one point. She was a fucking knockout. I left there. It was like, we were family. Everybody's family there. I met two guys, this Persico dude from fucking Staten Island. They were sending over

tequila shots. I couldn't drink them. I can't drink and drive. I can't handle that shit at all. I said 10 grams of mushroom, though you're okay. Oh, solo like a motherfucker. Okay. And when I got home, I thought I was sober. When I got home, that mushroom trip started again. I went to bed like a four.

I can't walk in my house until 2.15. Again, very unjoie D. is like. But everyone, you know, the next one I woke up, and I meditated on it. And I go, you know what? Nothing happened. And I had a fucking good time organically. You know what I'm saying? When something's organic, yeah, like if we had to go into the city and spend $800 and get VIP,

that's unorganic. You better have a good time. And you're not going to. You're going to sit there all night, you know, with three other fucking morons. You and I both know this. Right. Girls come over again, and then they leave because they're a bunch of morons. They know.

That at least, that's always very planned. I got a table. I got a limo. We're going to sling dick. Nothing going to happen. They go over there with no package. They're unprepared. You got to have a package.

Throw it on the table. These bitches love that shit. They love that razor blade hitting that fucking table. also how is this I'm with you I'm glad you had a good time but you keep you're like the line at the sushi place was too much it was too much

but the strip club with the lights and people touch you listen to me at least I'm looking at beautiful women and it's dark I can see that I had face for an hour I said your story was a fat Italian dude

for an hour until I won't have to pee and one of the guy goes well you're Joey Diaz and he told the manager knew and then next thing you know what am I going to do I got to let myself go.

I'm going to be an uptight bitch at a comedy club. At a strip club, what type of fucking animal of mine? Were the lights good for the mushrooms? Oh, tremendous. That's a good place to get. And the DJ was the king. Because I read, he's going to fuck this motherfucker. Dude.

Speaking of DJ's, George Perez looks like he's killing it. George Perez is on private planes. I think he's opening for Gabriel now. George is killing it. I'm so happy. for George. I'm going to send George from love. Cucksuck. I love you. That's awesome. Well, I'm glad you had fun of the strip club.

I did. I really fuck. Because you don't really do that. I got up the next one. I'm like, you know what? Number one, I gave every dollar I gave out in my pocket away. Every dollar. I knew what I had in there. And trust me, I gave away every fucking penny. And I didn't even think about it. I didn't give a fuck. Those girls got me laughing so much in the shit and watching other guys go crazy, that's worth the entertainment for me, you know? Right. And I could be myself. Just

that I can go somewhere and be myself and 20 people don't come up and go, you think it's a picture. That is so fucking dynamite. You probably went in a good time because it wasn't like a super late when it probably gets packed there but just a couple people. Dog, I was there from nine to two. What the fuck? Oh, you were there until

two. I forgot about that. When they told me we were closing up, I couldn't believe it. I forgot about that. It wasn't like I blacked that or did a gorilla biscuit or did a quailout or a pill. I did mushrooms and it felt like one minute was 930, then it was 10.15, then it was 1230. And I'm like, fuck, I should go home now.

I don't know what's 113, man. This is way past my bedtime. And then about 1.30, like, yeah, we're closing up now. I go, what? God damn it, these mushrooms are on fire. And I figured I talked to a victim by McDonald's and something. Everything was clear. All right, let's bring our guest on here, Lee.

Let's do that. Let's do this shit. Hey, good morning. Uncle Joey here. Just want to fill you in. The summer is on the way. And if you need a quick fix for that limp dick, Blue Chew's got you covered.

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It's my little brother, Aaron Berg, coming to join us tonight. You guys ask for more comedians from the local area and the scene. We go, only. We look good. Yeah, we need to make sure we look good. We're just going fucked up tonight. It don't matter. You know.

What's up, my brother? Daytime. Strip clubs. That's when I go. Daytime. Because you're a disgusting pervert. No, Joey, you don't get it. I get it, but no.

You don't get it. No, that darkness? No door people. There's no security, first of all. It's day shift. No one's working. You roll in. These girls are money hungry,

uglier than the night shift girls. More friendly. And they'll do stuff if you want. I don't fuck around on my wife. But if I had to, if I had to, day shift. These girls will never tell. I'm unknown enough to go, what do you do? I'm a plumber.

I tell him I'm a plumber. And they go, oh yeah, what union? I go, 420 out of Newark. And then once somebody goes, that's the longshoreman union. And I'm made up the plumber union. And someone thought it was the longshoreman union. But I stripped for two years. Strip clubs are the greatest place in the world to forget yourself.

McJaggers said strip club is the best place to go. if you want time by yourself because no one is looking at you. Everyone's looking at the naked chicks, thinking about what they can do. Even if people see you, they're like, oh, that's that guy, cool. Oh, pussy.

And then they go right back to pussy like that. And, oh, I love, stripping was the greatest time of my life. How old were you? 23, 23 years old. You were a chippolo, whatever? Not a chippelah. You're mixing it up. with the you're hybriding it with the juggalo's yeah no no no it's I think it was I think it was

a mix between chip and dillow yeah but it sounds like an ice cream flavor to me what you know was really great I thought it was an Indian tribe yeah we are a proud people and we represent this land we are the chipalos they call me the one who fucks for three dollars it was the fucking best time on my life yeah it was fantasy mail review I started out low down I started out dirt floor stripping for female strippers. And I fell in love with it. First night, first night I made $300. Couldn't dance.

Couldn't get hard. You're supposed to get hard before you go out on stage. You'd get hard. You'd tie an elastic around your cock and then you go out. That took me six months to learn. I would go buy this lotion at the sex store. That'd make your dick more sensitive and you'd rub it on your dick. You got to stop it right here.

Okay. Where are you confused, Lee? I have so many questions. questions. You're blowing his mind. Holy shit. Would you go out and go out like full no, like just showing the dick? Like why did your dick have to be?

You get hard. You tie the elastic around it. And at first you'd hide. You'd go over there. This is how many strippers working tonight. One, two, three, five. So they'd be like, you're on in 10. Your buddy'd be my friend Johnny Thor.

You'd love this. He was a pimp, crackhead, great dude. And he would. Fuck everybody. Jacked, one of the original Chippendales in Canada. Fullerroids fucking didn't give a shit. You put a condom near this guy, he'd slap you in your mouth. He'd go, what the fuck do you think I am?

I'm not using that. He'd say, I know you would just fuck everybody. Always had a rash on his crotch. And just always, always had, I'm telling you. He called them boboes, Joey. He goes, I got a really bad case of the boboes. Do you have any lotion? And he'd just put baby powder on him.

So it'd be a red rash with, with white cake baby powder. The reason why I'm looking like you is I got the same problem. Have you tried baby powder? I got a fucking rash. You got a rash? Dog, I got a rash

that's like a fungus living in my body. It attacked my toenails first. Oh. And then it just stayed in my system. It grew. Yeah. It's like a bacteria-type deal. And it flares up.

Yeah. It's like herpes. It just, I won't have it for six months. And then one day I do something. There's moisture. you know, I do something and there's some type of moisture. I go to the pool

and keep my underwear on. But the short sound like a fucking savage. I'm done. The next day, no matter what I put on it that night, wash it, dry it, I'm done. And it's like those things that the first hour,

when I go to bed, shit gets dry. Yep. And so I started putting cream on it, you know, 20 years ago before you go to bed. Go, 10 minutes later, I'm scratching like,

I got fucking, and I ripped the skin. Yeah. My sheets are bloody. Now it's by my stomach. It's on this side here. And it's tangling with those little fucking things you have on your body, a tag. Skin tag.

Every time I scratch, I hit the skin tag. The skin tag. No, no, no, no. I'm getting tortured. Trust me. My medical condition is getting fucking tortured lately. And I scratch and I got to put up. So now I got to put special cream and then fucking everything for my calves and shit.

Like tonight, I'll go home. I'll take these black things off. When I pull them off, fucking powder, of course, all over. And it's from my knee down. The skin gets so dry. So every night, I mean, when I come out of shower, every time I shower,

which is two to two and a half times a day, I got to put cream all over me, man. I'm like the fucking dry. What's the half shower like? The half shower is like, you're taking that? Yeah. And you got to do something,

but it's not too big. Yeah. Like, you're not going to see nobody who matters. Yeah. So you're clean. You didn't work out that day, so you just stick your head under the shower. Okay.

Because I got a hairdo. I got a fucking tighten my shit up. You know what I'm saying? My shit, I'm getting old, so the hairdo is getting dry. So it's like the old days where I can put water on the sink

and you're ready to fucking fly. No, no, no, no. The hair will stay permanent. Yeah. That's it. That white hair is done. I mean, I'm done. It looks good.

Yeah, sure. I was going to say, we don't have to do the half showers. No. All right. So back to your dick and how you're tied up with a rubber band. You tied up.

Johnny Thor, he would fuck everybody's girlfriend. He didn't give a shit. And you know how drug dealers lie. You know, there'll be, Joey, I'm 10 minutes away. Just wait. I'm 10 minutes away. He hasn't even left his house. You know what I mean?

He was a crackhead drug dealer. Good guy. I still talk to this guy. 63 years old still strips. Skinny, ripped, but looks like AIDS. You know what I mean? Like ripped, but barely any muscle. Just looks like he's got.

But shredded and it and fuck dudes for money. He's real over the fucking edge. You know what I mean? Where does he live? Toronto. Yeah, he might watch this show. He's a good guy. But he fucking, he would fuck anybody's chick.

So he's jacking off one night. They finally got a VCR. This is when you used to have to just use a magazine to get hard. And you're going through, man, everybody come on the magazine. These guys are fucking savages. You'd love him. And you jerk off. And Johnny's jerking off.

And then some guy comes in to the top of fucking, fantasies. Motherfucker, you like fucking people's girlfriend? And Johnny turns, and he doesn't stop jerking off. He's on. And three, he's a pro, right? And he keeps going, he's like, dude, I don't fucking know what you're talking about. He goes, you fuck Stacy,

man. Stacey, my fucking girlfriend, man. He goes, bro, she told me she had no boyfriend. You got to talk to your girl, man. She's fucking crazy. So he turns it around on the check. While he's doing that, Midnight Dream comes in. Big black dude grabs him. He goes, motherfucker, wrong place. They throw him down the stairs.

Three guys bootfuck the shit out of this guy. Gun goes flying. Someone grabs a gun, puts it in his mouth. You want to fuck with us, motherfucker? Blood everywhere, teeth. And then Johnny, he goes, yeah, you want. Shot through the hard. And yours just runs out on stage.

Hard fucking his chaps on. These guys are still beating the shit out of the guy in the background. That's a professional. That's chipping now. Dude, this was insane. It was fucking My mom came one night This was bad

Her and my aunt My aunt's famous cookbook author My mom's this Jewish mom She didn't know I was doing bad stuff You know when I was a kid I got arrested I broke in the cars That's what I did

Broke in the cars I got caught one night It was me bunch of Jamaican guys That was the only white guy We're breaking in the cars With spark plugs You know you throw the spark plug Through the window

You touch the window The whole window Just shatters like that and we'd steal whatever out of cars. So this guy leans out his window. Call him the cops. Fuck you, fag. And we run off down the street.

Best night of our lives. Go to the McDonald's, the cops come up. Me and all these Jamaican dudes. And the cops go, you're not with these guys, are you? Because I was the only white guy. Yeah, that's my crew. So they arrest all of us. I was a fucking idiot.

Going to lock up, fucking, it's awful. Parents come down, get me the next morning. I come out, chained up. Like I'm the only white slave with all these other people, eight of us going chained up, ankles, wrists, my dad looking at me, just like, and they go, we're going to release him on his own recognizance. He's got an 11 p.m. curfew. And my father goes, I'm a lawyer as well. I'd like to have that curfew made to 8 p.m. I'd like to have him not associate with any of these people. They go, all right, confirmed, go out.

So I get sent off to this boarding school, and then I come back from this boarding school, and I get in the bodybuilding after college and then I start stripping. And so my mom is just so proud of me that I'm not in jail. And her and my aunt come and watch me, Joey. And I told, she goes, so you strip? And I go, yeah, but it's just fun.

We don't get naked or nothing like that. We're just having a good time and I'm making good money. And my mom, I didn't know she was there and I'm fucking up there. Fucking cock dangling out and shit like that. fucking desperado women rapping

five dollar bills around my cock yanking it and shit and the next day I go over my mom goes Aunt Rose and I came to your show last night and I go what the early one or the late one because the early one you don't go naked she goes the late one

and I go oh you're really good at what you do and it seems like the women really enjoy what you do and Rose could not believe I diapered you I mean, she said that you really have a big schmeckle from my mom. Now, when did you get into comedy? In the mix of this whole fucking showing your dick.

You never did that, did you? What's that? You never did that, did you? What? Strip. Look at me. Nobody wants to see me. You used to be jacked.

What? You were jacked. But I still didn't want to go out there. That's just craziness. You never thought about it. No. just because morally or because you couldn't do it? It just didn't think I could pull it off.

I'm sure there are like strip clubs with dudes in it in America. I haven't, but I don't, is it like the same thing that like Joey went to for girls? Is it just like. No, it's a show. It's a show. It's like a real show. The women go insane. Okay, so it's more of a show.

Oh, they're trying to fuck you there. But I've gotten the girl strip clubs with their lap dance for you and to do this, the, they blow hot breath on your dick through your jeans. You ever had that? No. They just get down in front of you and they're, and I'm married, so I don't get that a lot, and it feels like a real blow job. And I was in Niagara Falls.

I go, you got to stop. I'm married. I'm going to come my pants. I told her, I go, I'm going to come my pants. You have to stop. They just, they don't even touch it. Real close to it. But I started comedy in 2000.

2001. So what year was this when you stopped stripping? 96. Because I was running a girl. I had a girl strip, give me money, and then I had to get out. That was it. That was too much. So it took you five years to get on stage? Yeah, I thought it was going to be an actor. I was in Detroit Rock City. I had two scenes in that movie with Kiss. And I was like, and I was young and good looking. I had air. I couldn't act. But I was like, I'm going to be a movie stuff. and then didn't happen. Yuck yucks in Canada. They had amateur night. You'd call in and try and get on. The first time I called in, I got on, I went up. Did very well.

So bad. Comedy was so bad. I'd be like, Michael Jackson, this before all this stuff. I mean, oh man. No, no, it was George Michael. I go, man, he should change his song to I'm whacking off before I go-go.

Don't leave me hanging in the bathhouse, yo, yo. And it was like, oh, I'm great at this. And then I did it. Then you go do it outside of a club and you bomb. People looking at you and you're trying to tell jokes about dead hookers and stuff and everyone's just staring at you. And I ate dicks for six years. What's worse?

Bombing as a comic or bombing as a stripper? Bombing as a comic. Really? Yeah, when you're a stripper, you could just get angry and be like, What, you dumb bitches? You don't respect this? You do that when you're bombing as a comic. You can't get them back.

Bombing as a comic is the worst. Oh, worst heckle I ever had from the, long, dark room narrow. Someone just yells out, next. And you can't see him to say nothing to him. And for months ate me up. And I go, I should have said I'm not waiting in an alley to fuck your mom. Holy shit Let me tell you something

man People will never know The pain of doing comedy for 10 years The fun pain Like I was watching that show 1823 Anybody see that shit Yeah You watched the episode last night

I just know about the show With Harrison Ford And Alan Myron I'm watching it every Sunday Where am I going to go on on Sunday night So I'm watching it last night And there's a pervert dude in that show who has a girl. She's like the girl that went out for Epstein.

And she brings home other chicks. This is 1823. And there was a guy that would tie these bitches up and like the stuff they torture you, your two hands and your neck. And he would talk to you in English, like, first make her feel the pain and then turn it into pleasure.

And then after a while you own her when the pain becomes her pleasure. And, you know, he's got a show. He's got a finger in her. You don't see her monkey, but you see your hand going. Then he's whipping her. Or another, he has another chick do it. And he just sits there smoking a cigar, having a cocktail like a fucking old disgusting

pervert. That shit drives me crazy. I couldn't imagine just sitting in when you're 31. Yeah. That's what you'd want to see two chicks going at it. You got an eight ball next to you. You know what I'm saying? I was telling some guy the other day,

The guy I lift weights with once a week. He loves music. He's one of us. He loves music. And we would listen to Don Henley's first solo album. It's a fucking masterpiece. It was like maybe three years after the Eagles broke up. And then the other guy struck.

But he struck first. And I thought about a story. There's a book out. You've got to look this book up, guys. It's been out since 1997. You won't have lunch in this town anymore. I remember that. It's a book about a hooker that wrote stories about everybody she slept with in Hollywood from fuck.

I mean, she threw some heat in that. And they went after her, but she didn't give a fuck. They sold the rights to a movie. Never made the movie. But one of her stories was that one of her big clients, one of her biggest was Don Henley. Yeah. And Don would make you go over there on a Friday and Saturday. Four women.

And he would sit on a chair. and there was a fireplace with like a table and he would make him bend over naked and just stay in that position and he would stay there and do coke by himself and smoke a cigar

and then get up and put his dick in one of them bang him for like eight minutes then go right back to his chair and sit there and the chicks would have to stay bent over like how crazy this? This world is crazy and listen I've had my moments especially when you're doing that devil powder

crazy things go into your mind I never had the fucking, I don't know, I just wanted to eat somebody's monkey and have some fun and giggle. I don't want to put them through a wall and that shit, people choking you, you know. That whole world is just so fucking bizarre to me. I didn't do a lot of Coke.

I did it maybe 20 times. That's 40. Yeah, but I was in Vancouver and I did some and I was like, I'm going to have some fun. What do I got? And 600 bucks. Let me see what I can do.

And I called up this place. I need you to send me two girls. Two Asian girls. Same time. And they showed up. And it was such a great night. But they would do this weird thing. One of them would blow me.

And then I'd go, now you. And before she would, she'd grab a disinfectant wipe and wipe my hog with this disinfectant wipe. And I go, why didn't the first girl do that? And then I realized, oh, I'm not the dirtiest one in this room. That first girl's probably got something. And after I was done, Joey, I looked in the mirror when they left, and I looked at myself and I go, man, I'm cool. You know how good it feels after doing something like that?

No. Doesn't matter you paid for it. It's still fun. Where did you start comedy? Toronto. Okay. And then when did you decide to move to this great city? It took it took me 10 years.

I had to get paperwork and become, you know, because you have to immigrate here. I'm an immigrant. I had to get like all these documents and stuff and then I moved to, I left, I had great fiancee there, I left her behind, moved to New York, moved to an 8 by 10 room and Astoria Queens,

cockroaches, some other comics, they failed, they moved back to Canada, that they couldn't make it. and that was slugged it out for years and years I've been here almost 15 years now this is the greatest place to do comedy in the world but this is you have an interesting story I never knew all this shit I just don't know I didn't mean to offend you

I'm not no it's what people say is you're easily offended no fuck yourself never offended how can you be offended by somebody's past you can't they've gotten to a certain place in life you cannot be offended Yeah. Listen, man, people make mistakes. Yeah. It's at a certain time in their fucking lives.

You have no idea what was going on the moment before it happened and the moment after it happened. You have no fucking idea. Yeah. So I see somebody fucking kicking ass. I'm always happy. Yeah. Because there's people at home that won't do dick.

And then they'll complain about the system. Yeah. The Democrats say, I can't live like that. I cannot. I cannot hear that shit. I saw you said this thing, you were talking a bird or something. And you go, comedy's change. It's not comedy anymore, talking about politics, talking about all this other shit.

It's business people now. You know what I mean? There's just to go out and have fun and make those people fucking die laughing while you're there. It's those moments. That's all that matters is the time on stage, right? You know, man, I came up on somebody and I came up on Richard Pry the early out. Me too. That was my...

You know, I like Carlin. I like Lenny Clark. Lenny Bruce. I like Lenny Clark, too. Pryor's the guy. Pryor was always my guy. The guy. You know, and he had a, I don't know,

that style. I like that style. He was dirty. He was talking about drugs. He was talking about what happened when he did drugs, you know. And it just some people liked it and some didn't.

When I saw the one live on the sunset strip, I leaned right towards that life. I just didn't know how to start or, you know, I'm a kid from North Bergen, New Jersey. Where do you go to do comedy? But it always sat in the back of my mind, but I wanted to be, I wanted to act more.

Yeah. I loved those old school movies. I'm like, let's become a fucking actor first. And then light passages, you know what I'm saying? And I became a fucking, I don't know. But we're here. Yeah. I had the weirdest experience recently.

Like, because you're talking about, like talking about politics on stage. I was at a show and I never had, I don't, this comic before me, to like 15 tourists just went around asking person by person who they voted for and when they said

when one person said the wrong answer the comic tore into them for the like 10 minutes about like how they're a terrible person they hope all their kids have terrible things happen to them and then I had to go up and it was honestly I was actually proud of myself because I got them to laugh but I just had like

I don't do anything my whole thing is you go to comedy shows to forget all that shit. So I don't talk. That's why I make fun of myself. It's like I don't want anyone there to have any. All I want them to do is laugh. It was such a weird show.

I've never had that experience of someone just not even trying to be funny, but just being mean to like an audience member. There's different styles for different people. When people are green, that's one of the styles. They incorporate for a while. When they don't get lapsed, they attack the audience. I did it. Yeah.

You're angry at yourself. And that's what you're angry. for not writing right for not going home at night and fucking getting Judy Carter's book and sitting there and doing the exercises right George it's still there there you go you know it's it's very weird that people want all this and especially in today's society with the IGs and the fucking this and that it's incredible how many people you look at and go I don't even know you yeah you know why are you in front of a boat that ain't yours.

Why are you in front of a boat that ain't yours? Yeah. So everybody wants to fucking go to heaven, but nobody wants to die. It makes sense. It's that fucking simple, you know? And Aaron, I haven't had a chance to see it yet, but you did a special a few years ago that, like, honestly, is one of the reasons why I wanted to move to New York is it was called, like, something like 35 spots or, it was like, you did a crazy number of spots

25 sets. 25 sets. Yeah. And one, how do you do that? That was the appeal of why I wanted to move to New York, because in Toronto I could maybe do five, 10 sets a week. And then I was like, and then I'd look at, remember when they used to have all the shows in the paper?

There was a paper. There was a website that had lists all these shows in New York. And be like, open mic. It might have been the voice. No, no, no. The voice had some. What was the name? Steve.

Stage. Yeah. And it would be like, Wednesday's late or Thursday morning. Yeah. And you look at it and go, oh my God, look at this.

I could do 10 shows in a night. And you didn't know most of these were like shitty open mics and fucking horrible. I went to half those motherfuckers on that list. But there was just this love to get on step. My goal was always to get on stage so I could just talk the same way on stage that I talk off stage. That was the whole thing about getting stage time so that there was nothing disingenuous about it. And when I moved here, I started doing it. And then I got in at some clubs.

And on a Saturday, I'd be doing eight or nine. Jesus. Even that sounds great. It does sound like a lot. But then I'd have, I'd be like, I'm off for two and a half hours. And I'm sitting in Greenwich Village smoking. And I'm like, there's got to be, I could do more. And then I researched it.

And I'm like, oh, Steve Byrne did 13. And I was like, I could fucking crush that. So then I went home, came up with this list of like, and I was like, oh, I can do. 26 in a night if I line this up right and then I made all these calls and then I talked to this girl and she used to work with Morgan Spurlock remember the super size me guy yeah that ate all the McDonald's and she goes I work with Morgan Spurlock she get you got excited by the McDonald's no I just remembered that fucking crazy and then he got canceled do you remember that

he did and he did something I don't think it was one of those is he dead oh yeah I don't even think it was one of those bad I'm pretty shy yeah I think I'm almost positive. I'm like 80%. Did you? Yeah, I don't think it was a bad cancel though. I think it was like, hey, you good job, Tuts. I think it was like one of those cancels.

You know what I mean? He called me Tuts. And it's like, I'm so sorry. I'm going to check myself into rehab. But she goes, you should shoot this. So we put together a crew. And I was like, all right, we're going to start at four in the afternoon. And we went until 2.30 in the morning.

ran around and you know shortest set was I think like four because I was like I got to go I can only do four Longest set was 19 that night all different you know a couple same jokes but not it wasn't the same set all night And then and then the next night I went back to work I was like all right I'll go host again And I went out and hosted shows you know what would be an interesting show for the internet right now a guy like yourself We do six episodes of you, especially now it's springtime, before it gets really hot. You can't walk the streets in June.

Just you leaving the house in the car, and go and parking and running your game. Stopping to get pizza, stopping to get a bag of weed, whatever it is that you do when you're in the city. Very natural, and it's like Dave Othell, except for no drinking. Yeah.

If you want to add booze in there, you can. Yeah. You know, do you stay out late at night after you do comedy or once you do your last set those days ago? I usually rush home. I mean, I try and get up with my kid at like 7.30. It's the weirdest fucking thing. Like, maybe I've been missing a night with comics.

Like, just, like, the other night, I couldn't do it. I could not do it because I would have been out until fucking 1.30. I wouldn't have got home until 2 in the morning. Yeah. With a lot of food in my stomach. I wasn't in the mood. And there was too many people. I like, you know,

of us. Yeah, small hang. You know, and now these restaurants close are fucking 10, 30, 11. You could do two shows and go out and go, don't, keep the restaurant open. And he'd go to the back room, lops the tail till, you just got to tip them heavy. Yeah. You got to give him a taste of the t-shirts. Yeah. You got to go deep. You got to go deep. You're late. Yeah. So you got to make it worth that wild gas money. The babysitter the wife, he's not going to bang her because he was going to go home. So, yeah, that's the, that's those days. days are ended. If it's,

if it's you, I'm sorry. If it's you were, like, the other night I stayed, I ate with dice because he's like,

oh, when I got to eat? I was like, all right. But then you're like, it's one. That's late for me. I'm like, all right,

it's one. I'm going to go now. But I'll do that. I'll do one. No later than one. That's crazy. How far as you drive home? 40?

Yeah. Yeah. 35 to go to bed. Yeah. Think about shit process would just happen. Remember? Maybe as you were driving home,

he thought of a joke. Yeah. You know, it's a fucking, that's why when you're lit, that nighttime light up and you get home and you're like, I'm going to bed at 10.30. Now, fuck you. You sit home and let's say you smoke dope, get home, eat, take a shower, sit on the couch,

and I'm going to bed, and then you get two bonnets. That shit wakes you right back up. And now you're reviewing your material. Why was that guy looking at you like that? The guy didn't pay you for those eight people in the balcony. You know what I'm saying? I didn't remember Oh my God

What was he going to fucking say I have no idea what I was going to say I just forgot Happens to me all the time brother I had no idea what I was going to say There's something about staying up like Oh if you got to fucking If you got to shoot something the next morning

And you got a 6 a.m. call you're dead There's no way your body adjust that quickly Even if you go I'm not going to do spots I'll go to bed at 9 o'clock You're not doing it? 2 a.m. It's not going to happen. No, your body's electric.

No. Yeah. That's the worst. When you book a movie, it's a 5 a.m. call, and you're like, I got two options here. I could take a half a bottle of fucking drain X

and try to fall sleep, or I could just stay out. And pray for the best. Pray that you're not shooting first, and it's a three-hour setup. Yeah. You could catch a little Puerto Rican nap in there, and you're a little floppy.

You know what I'm saying? I did it many a time, Many a time I fell asleep with it. And then finally for the longest yard, I just brought a sleep apnea machine in it. Because it was the same trailer every day. Why am I going to get back and put it? Fuck it.

In the afternoon, I get tired. I put the sleep acne machine on right there. Did you have a nice trailer? Huh? You have a bigger, like a half? Yeah, it was a half trailer. Oh God. If you'd never been to a half trailer,

boy, you feel like a star then. Because normally they put you in one with this little tiny bed. It's like a jail cop. It's a fucking. It's like a jail cot. I'm not going to say. You can't turn.

You can't sleep. I'm not a rat, but it's one of my favorite TV shows. I've done it a few times. I love doing it. But the fucking quarters, you're like, I can't believe I'm in this. Yeah. Boy, you feel like a piece of shit. A room with a little couch that go.

It's like you went to summer camp. Yeah. That's where you lay down. Your feet are going to dangle off that. Lee would love it. I was going to say, tell you. right into the corner there and he would love it. But you're sitting there and it's, you know,

I'm not complaining. You're on a fucking set of a tremendous movie. Every once in a while they forget and they put you in a big trail and that's very nice. Oh, big trailer. There's one that's bigger than that one. The second one to that, it's the cousin. It's the one with the bed.

Now you've got a mirror. You got a little sink. You got a counter there so you can put your notes down. You know what I'm saying? No draw, nothing like that. No. What do you even do in there?

I can't imagine. you jerk off and then. No, he can't. No. Only you would fucking come up with something. You're doing fucking jerking off at work, man. There's a bed.

Eventually you're going to think about it. Fucking Dick Wolf is paying you $1,200 a day, you jerking off. If you're there for 18 hours, it's not going to cross your mind once. No. Why would you want to... So what do you do?

That's what I'm asking. What the fuck is wrong with you? He just talked about jerk off in front of his mom. I don't know. That's fine. I didn't jerk off in front of my mom. How did you just make that story? He's so big.

Jerking off in front of my mom. You see they got to live with. Joey D. is here. Hey, beautiful people. It's springtime. The birds are singing. The clouds are blue. You know.

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Enhance your everyday experience of life with Vaya. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ah. Let me ask you something. Let me ask you something. This is just, not you, this fucking nut next to you. Okay. Yeah, let me ask you something. I hope you stop jerking off in public.

I've never started. No, no, no, because I know your little Jewish mind. You like one of those dogs. I grew up around you, motherfuckers. Every morning you go to 40. You can't love all Jews together. Listen, listen to me. I saw it.

Don't lie to me, Cox. Like, it's in your blood. I would fucking get off the Port Authority bus, right there in the mornings, and walk to that corner. And there used to be a tremendous trip club on the corner of that. The whole time I was growing up,

remember on that corner there? That's where the first time you see the guy with the mop in the fucking room and you go in there, and the floor is sticky. Deep show. And there's some chick. in there with fucking like a bandage and she's blowing a guy with a skinny dick and one nut and you're

traumatized you know what I'm saying but if you did the survey outside who went in there the most it was the desert people yeah it was the fucking uh the ones with the ponytail's the great they're going to and right away they'd be a fucking dude with tokens yeah you gave him like he had the old circus thing it was like he were going to the circus as a kid he had the pouches and the old day They put like quarters, nickels, dimes, and pennies. No, you had tokens on all four of them, and you would pay them, and he'd give you tokens. It was like eight tokens to go in there for two minutes.

You didn't even have two minutes. You had like a minute to bang out. Then the thing would close, and you'd be mid-waist. Now you had deep, dig deep in your pocket and throw tokens in there like a fucking animal. Tremendous. And then you'd walk out of there, and before you were out, three feet,

a little Mexican dude came in with a bucket put it on the floor with hot water and then put it back on his bucket and by the time he was out another guy went right back in there closed that motherfucker those were the days guys was there ever a line to get in never because there was four stages

and then there was one across the street then if you went like two blocks uptown there was the nasty one where you saw like and you went in there before but here's the crazy thing Lee people would go in there before work. Wait, they had early morning?

I'm talking about going into the city 7 a.m. And there'd be people getting off that bus, getting a cup of coffee. And in those days, there was no Starbucks. It was that hot dog man. He had the best coffee in town. One cup. Blue cup.

Twin Towers on it. I don't want to hear that shit. Regular. What else was it? Black, regular. Or what else? There was another one. Huh?

Cream and sugar, regular. And fucking black. That's it. There was no Macalachino, you fucking momos. There was no frozen whip. This is something they sold this society. And people did great. People were up 28 hours a day drinking that coffee.

You did three cups on that shit. Oh, the country was shittery. Everybody was getting along back then. Who the fuck are you kidding? Anyway, not to get me off the communist rant. But what are we talking about? Oh, the perversion. Jews.

The Jews love that shit. I will say this. I'm Jewish, he's Jewish. I think Jews at first repressed their sexuality a lot. And then here's how I like sex. It's got to feel a little wrong. So I'll tell my wife, I go, let's meet me down in the basement in 20 minutes. She never does.

But I always try to get her to. Because she goes, no, we do it in the daytime when our daughter's at school. And it's never as excited. I want it to feel wrong. That's what I like about sex. I gotta feel, ooh, it's sneaky. We could get caught. Let's go in the bed.

And the basement's this little fuck cave. You know, it's all cold down there. No one ever sleeps down there except me. It's a good king-sized bed, but it's harder than the main bed. It don't make squeaking noises because I got ADHD. So if I'm fucking my wife and the squeaking happens, I go, ah, my dick gets all soft. She goes, what's wrong with you? I go, this noise, it doesn't bother you.

And she goes, no, you're autistic. So I'll try to get it down to the basement. She won't come down. but there's something about it being wrong. So most people now say that, you know, the Jews run this big sex cabal at Epstein Island. And you want to, as a Jew, go, hey, that's wrong. But then as a Jew, you're also like, it's possible.

You know what I mean? Especially for, like, the Orthodox Jews, like, I'm, like, the Orthodox Jews hate me. Because, like, they take it so, like, they're the ones who have sex through the sheet. They also do, like, I was, in Israel, like, they'll walk and, like, not look at women. Like they take it so seriously So like for them to live in New York And live like that

But then also I can't I would bet there's a lot of like religious people Who go in And but the Jews you can just tell like That's like And dog I went in there I went in there as a young kid Which is why I'm fucked up today

Because you're not supposed to see that shit Yeah As a kid to that level I saw pornography That was fucking one level up Than fucking an animal I saw pornography in the 70s When it was raw

There was no direct There was no plot. There was nothing. Insatiable with Marilyn Chambers. You ever see that? Listen, I have no idea about that. I'm talking about the dirty movies that got sent to your house

that you had to hide. And I saw some disgusting shit as a kid that I was like, I saw a chick. I don't even want to talk about it. Kissing. Huh? Kissing. Real gross stuff.

Kissing? No, no. I didn't mind that shit. I made my mother get HBO. Yeah. To watch the group. That was a good movie. Some chick was running naked with a titty's out.

I was probably like 11. No, Groove tube was good. Bro, Groove tube and the Kentucky Fried movie. They're both like cousins to each other. And you know what? If you watch it now, you go, Joey and Aaron, you guys are fucking retarded. That is the worst shit you've ever seen. I got to tell you something.

When those movies came out, I saw Kentucky Fried movie in Jersey City. and I'll never forget that scene when they're in court and the guy takes a rubber dick and he puts it on the top of his head and he goes, we are from another planet when you're fucking 12 and you smoke two joints and you're giggly

that's that 70 giggly weed where people threw you out for laughing come back when you grow up because you stood at a diner fucking high as fuck and the waiters come over hi boys can I help you and you would just bust out It was uncontroll-in.

Here, call me when you broke. You know, it was always like they yelled at you or threw you out because you laughed your fucking ass off. I'll never forget that. Group two I saw at home. Hot dog, the movie. Hot dog. Cheech and Chong.

When the fucking van was made out of weed and they fucking lit it on fire. What a great idea. Oh, that's when the chick snorted the coat. Yeah. What was that? What? Ajax. When you're a fucking kid, you just lose your mind.

Now they come on and you're like, oh, I should have got a different direction. Something's not working here. One of the girls I dated and this reminded me and I forgot about it and blocked it out. She worked in one of those sex shows, like in a peep show. And this guy I stripped with, they were like a couple in the show. And I didn't know that. And then I started dating her and the guy Garrett goes, oh, you're going out with Trudy?

And I go, yeah, he goes, oh, yeah, I know her. And I was like, would you date her? He's like, no, not exactly. And I go, what do you mean? And then she told me, she goes, yeah, we used to do like simulated sex scenes together. She worked in a peep show. She had two kids, 22 years old, C-section scar of fake tits, but those old ones with the scars underneath.

Remember those tits? Before they could do them through the nipples? No. Oh, yeah. Just right. They just put a bag in. No one knew what was in those bags. Could have just been poison.

It was fucking hot. Dead brown tooth, Joey. She had a dead brown tooth just dangling there. One of the hottest chicks I ever dated. Seasection scar, two titty scars and a dead brown tooth. How long do you date someone like that? That was six months. And then she thought she got pregnant.

Because we wouldn't wear condoms. You pull out, you know? Like a man. That never works. It's getting too sad? And she thought she was pregnant. And then I go, we better talk about it. She goes, no, there's no choice.

If I'm going to, I already got two kids. I don't believe in getting rid of it. And I go, oh, geez. Is that when you moved to America? I go, that's my life. It's done. Luckily, she wasn't pregnant. It was ovarian cancer.

And we still count how lucky we are to this day. She was fine. She lived. They removed it. But it was a big scare. You know what I mean? I was 23. I was going to have a kid with a stripper.

She already had two other kids. The fathers were hooked on Oxy. Oh. I would have been the breadwinner for fucking nine people. You just gave me so much anxiety. I can't even. Yes, she's fine. I don't know what happened to her.

What about me? I'm over here dying from that. Two slits, two kids, mother dads. It's a lot. I didn't know that. She lost to leg roller skating. What else? Anything else that bring up?

I didn't know this was too. She lost her leg rollers. Anything else to break my heart in and bring me down. She was a nice girl. She loved me. That's what she said. She used to say she loved me. She was from a trailer park.

I'm going to tell you something. I told a couple people, but I just had a thought about it today when you were saying, oh, your disgusting stories. I didn't know these were disgusting. I figured I'm going to come on. Joey's going to go,

oh, I got stories like that. No, no, no, no. I'm looking at me. All he's thinking about is his rat. My brother, one in Rome. You set the mood. Fuck it. Run with it.

All right. But I'll never forget. It was 1985, and I'm living in a fucking hotel in San Francisco with my ex-wife at the time. We was just dating. She was a young kid. I was 22. I didn't know what was going on. But, I mean, guys, right down the corner.

It's 80 yards from where I walked out and said, it's a beautiful day to be alive. Right there. I would have to cross the street. There was a whole. and if you went maybe 30 more yards on the corner, there was a place called Coffee Ranch. It was 24 hours and it was topless.

Doggy, there wasn't one tit in there that you ever wanted to see. And they had donuts and coffee in the morning. You don't know how many times I just went in there as high as a motherfucker. I'd smoke a joint and go in there dress with a suit on. Why?

Because I was ready to fucking, In those days, I was a hotel dude, you know what I'm saying? I'd work the hotels. You got a newspaper put on your arm. Yeah. Get a fucking donut. Have a cup of coffee and I'd look at the chick's titties like they were junkies, you know. And they had to be topless so you could tell.

They had needle marks. Yeah. Tremendous. The owner was a big fat fucking Greek guy or something like that. Tremendous. Tremendous. Was this the Tenderloin? Yeah.

Yeah. I lived in the Tenderloin. Dude. If you have not been to the tenderloins, that's real San Francisco. Fuck Ashbury. Fuck hate. And I worked on Asbury Haynes.

It was the fucking summer. It was 40 years ago, the anniversary. It was the summer of 85. How was that one for you? How's that for you? And I went out there, and I went out there because they were looking for me in Boulder. Oh, yeah.

They were looking for me in Boulder. I just met this girl. I had to tell her the truth. She was a sweet kid, and she goes, I'm coming with you. I go, let's do it. We went to the airport. I shoveled off to San Francisco. The first night I stayed at the Hotel, California,

across the street from a little fucking diner, which we'll get to on a different episode. I robbed that joint, like three weeks later. Oh, my God, I wanted a fucking spree up there. I was a fucking, like, a young kid. And I landed in San Francisco, and they said, go to this place. for a cheap hotel.

The first night we stayed at that place, then we moved into the Virginia hotel, which is now a... And kids from other countries come in. Hostel. Hospital. And it was on top of a bodega. And it was probably the best education

of my life because my mom had died in 79. And I stayed here in North Bergen. I hadn't spoken Spanish. And I go to San Francisco. Francisco and I walked three blocks from my fucking hotel. I make a right turn. I'm looking for weed. And also I hear a guy go, Bo Sita. And I go, whoa, whoa. Tell me that you're Cuban. He's like, yeah, we started talking. He sold me some weed. And he goes, we're all Cuban on this block. We just sell drugs on this block. Come on by and say hello. If you want to work with us,

they were nice as shit. I was there two days later working with these guys talking Spanish. You had to buy the guy on the corner of a bottle of rum to clear. your tribute for the day. A little old guy that was like maybe 70. He would just sit there and goof on everybody and fist fight. It was like 20 of them, man. And I became friends with them. There's so many levels of this story. How much I learned. Because these were the guys that came when Fidel sent them over in 79 that people were telling them they were criminals. Not these guys. These guys were made to be criminals. I remember I was eating dinner with one of them one night. He invited me to his home.

We used to sell nickel bags together. Yeah. We used to sell stolen travelers checks. Oh, yeah. Do you remember travelers' checks? Hell no. Not stolen ones, but yeah. American Express travelers checks.

They replace them with no questions. And you could bring them into a Chinese place or a Japanese place. They don't look at the idea of the numbers. They would just take them and give you back change, cash. So if somebody gave you a $100 travelers check, usually when you clipped a book, you had two grand in there. So you would have to spend two or three hundred to get your money, your cash. When you get 15, 13,000, for doing nothing.

But you had that. I would take those and go to San Francisco. It was called Japanese Town. And I would just walk around by karate suits, you know, whatever the fuck I needed that and I had a bag of rice, sword, you know, you know when you're going to need a sword. Because if it was 69 bucks and you had a hundred dollar one, they gave you back to change. On some ones you won, on some you're going.

on something you lost. No big fucking deal. But that was one of the most interesting. I got a I walked into this place. I was looking for a job. No, first of all, I went to the American bartending school in New York City. Yeah. February

of 84. It's lifetime placement. Yeah. So when I get to San Francisco, I'm like, I've got to call these motherfuckers. I call them up. Yeah, man, they go, they check me out. They call me right back. Come on now. We got a job for you. They sent me on an interview. It was in a nice part of San Francisco, nice Italian restaurant.

They said they want to see you between 10.30 and 11. Me being the Cuban and from Hudson County, I got that 10. That's how I was raised. Yeah. I get that walk in. Hello, hello, hello, nothing. I keep walking, walking, walking. Meanwhile, my girlfriend's outside.

Nice girl. She don't know nothing about nothing. I keep walking in there. Hello, hello, hello. Nobody answers. I keep walking to see what I bump into. And there it is. The door of the office is wide open.

The bank is on the fucking desk, and the safe is open. Cash, I took the cash. But you know, the Cuban, I took every piece of change that was in there. So I remember walking out of that, and the jacket and I had, the suit was twisted from all the quarters. One was longer than the fucking other one. And we ran out there. Come on, let's go. Go get the job.

Fuck. Come on. We got to get this. I didn't know where the bus was going. Yeah. We just got on the bus and on the bus. I started pulling out 50s, hundreds, 20s. We were like, Jesus Christ.

I get back to the hotel. They're like, they got two messages in the American Barton in the school. I call them back. I'm like, what's going on? You got a different job? I'm like, did you rob that place today? No, my God. What are you talking about?

I went up there and there was nobody there. Yeah. Well, the cops want to talk. All right, send them over, you know. And they never came. It was no big deal. They had no cameras back there. No.

I went to a different place. and the guy looked at me all weird for like 20 minutes. Kept checking me out and shit. It was the biggest tequila ball in San Francisco. It was busy at lunchtime. I went to like 11.30 and the guy actually saw me. And he came out. He was looking at me.

Looking at me. Motherfucker sat down. He goes, my name is Jose Diaz. And I'm from Unise, New Jersey, New Jersey. And we just started talking. He was like 10 years old. him. He went to Emerson High School, played football, the whole fucking day. He bought me lunch,

and he goes, I don't have a job for you here, but I'm going to get your job. Go to this place. I already called him for you. You got a job starting tonight. And he got me a job as a doorman, bartender at. It was a bar on Hashbury across the McDonald's. It's still there. It had all Cadillac things inside. And whenever you put the lights on, when the music was blasting, the lights would go off and shit like that. And I worked there for, about eight weeks till the cops started looking for me, and then I had to move on back to- Boulder? They-

No, in San Francisco. What do you think? You don't stop the fire, you know what I'm saying? You got to feed the whole, motherfucker. You like when you get a job where you get to do two things, where you're a bouncer, bartender. But I had a bartender, like, they gave me a bartending job on Monday nights.

Yeah. And it was like karaoke night, but there was a bunch of women in there and all right. And the other nights I worked at the door for a night and Saturday. But I was happy to do it, But the adventure wasn't that job. It was the bus ride home on Hayd Ashbury. And when I got off the bus,

the three-block walk to the hotel, there was always a fucking adventure. One night I made a fucking left turn to walk up the hill by the park there. And that was just a dude laying there, fucking blood all over under him, gone. And people were walking by him. Like one in the morning,

whistling Dixie, like the motherfucker wasn't there. You could see. the blood going down the fucking corner. This is freshly made. I don't know how. It was just freshly done. It wasn't like the blood was traumatized. You can see it rolling down the hill.

I just stayed away from him from 10. I didn't like blood at that time. I just walked up the hill and mind my business. That's how crazy the Hayd Ashbury was. And then the night that topped it off was the night I fucking saw a white dude with a two by four fighting a black dude with a sword. That was fucking brilliant.

the street from that movie theater or the concert place yeah because that's down there I was walking one day and some guy started talking me I'm from Jersey I'm from Newark what are you doing tonight was like a hippie black dude like I'm not doing anything or she should go to Sylvester's tonight sovesta was an old black one of the first fucking guys that dressed up like a woman and said and he had two or three you make me feel in the other one do you want to fuck with me that that uh-da-da-traiding places Eddie Murphy when he has the party back of his house And they were all dancing.

He did that. He was very flamboyant, and I just wanted to go see him. I asked my girlfriend, let's go see fucking Sylvester. We went to this movie theater. It was 2,000 gay people. You could smell sperm in the air.

Some guy came up to me want to do some acid. Fuck yeah. Me and my girl, she, I don't know if we should do it. Fuck yeah, it's San Francisco. Some of the office, you asked it, you fucking do it. You know what I'm saying? Especially in 85.

You had to fucking do it. And I'll never forget. They invite us to a party afterward. fucking drugs, there was acid, booze, and me and her, we don't know nobody. The guy just thought we were cool because we bought the acid from him. You know what I'm saying? So you know what? It was cool.

And then there was a picture of Bruce Lee that had never seen before. I kept looking at the picture. And Kathy would say to me, what's going on with you? And I go, hold on. I'm talking to Bruce Lee. What? No, no, no. I'm not going to say nothing to it.

And I started that shit with her. And she fell right into the trap of the, I'll never forget that night. She's like, why is Bruce Lee talking to you? I don't know. You have to go pick your father up at the airport. And I kept talking to Bruce Lee. She was like, I didn't even know my dad was landing. I mean, it was fucking insane.

And we were me and we were just for all right. I'm goofing on you. And then we started giggling. It was just one of those nights you walk home. It was not planned. You know, the guy offered us the tickets on the corner, whatever the fuck. Like, I had so many crazy nights. But then again, I saw some shit.

that in the 21 years growing up here, I never saw it before. They stabbed the motherfucker in front of my favorite Italian restaurant. Another guy, guts were out. They don't fuck around the tenderloin, dog. They don't fuck around. It's like, I don't know how many blocks. Look how big it is.

But that little area, anything can happen. Anything at any fucking time. And you still, I know the answer is yes, but I can't believe you went back to that restaurant after you saw the guy get stabbed. Every other day was the best restaurant in San Francisco. Original Joe's motherfucker In the tenderloin

Anybody can go to the Fisherman's Wharf And no eat out there, bitch They're not fishing He don't, he don't, uh They closed that one. They did? They closed the one downtown. They have won in Fisherman's War

By the move by the cobs But the problem is, it's a hour to half weight. Yeah, it's not. But then you go to San Jose. Bam! There it is. Up the corner from the Comedy Club. Living like a doctor for three days.

Oh my God. We got to go to San Jose to take this motherfucker Original Joe's. Those Italian hamburgers with steak fries. Good googly-mugly dog. I missed that. That's one spot. We used to go to San Jose just for that. Yeah?

Just for those nine meals. I didn't eat fucking two. He's joking. Nine meals, original Joe's. Every day. Every day. Three times a day. Timed it perfectly.

I would walk in there at breakfast. Kill it. Smoke more dope. Going there about 2.30. Kill it. Maybe go to the gym, read a book for a while. Lee, we're going at six. Kill it again.

Excuse me. Go back to the club. And all like heavy Italian food. It's not heavy. It's all heavy. They got a chicken pond. Tell these motherfuck. I love that you can get ravioli on the side.

And they'll have a ravioli. Oh, yeah. They always give your fucking pots on the, tremendous. But here's the clinker. Boom. When you leave your hotel and you're flying out of San Jose, guess who's at the airport? Bam!

Original Joe. And you get your two eggs with a steak and seven grain toast with butter and a nice tea with lemon. Come on, dog. That's when the gate is right there and you're right here living like a doctor, like looking at them all stacking up. Like, oh, the Chinese people stand out of line correctly. And you're like, I don't have to stand on line right now. I'm going to have my little steaky poo with my fucking two eggs for like $8.99, too. No big deal.

No, they're good people. Good fucking Italian family. God bless them. God bless the fucking tenderlo. Jack. And that one has, in San Jose, doesn't have like a counter you can, we sat at?

Like, you don't have to sit at a table? Yeah, because Butch's father was sitting at the counter. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We would sit at the counter. I love counters. Yeah, bro, this place got, all of them got a counter.

And that place was the first place in 1985 that, yeah, it wasn't a tenderloin, but the waiters were world class. Classy. World class. Lifeers? He knows.

Work there. Life is. Union. Yeah. You know, union. 20 bucks an hour before they even sit down. You know what I'm saying?

Tuxedos and the one Chinese guy, fucking, he was such a good weight than me in 84. Like I would go in there just to see him and to tip him because he turned me on to, all right, you guys are going to laugh. I don't like alcohol, but he would make me nutty Irishman,

for Angelico maybe, with cream, Irish cream, and a little taste of vodka. And I would do it in the afternoon back then because at 3 o'clock was Mission Impossible. So I would get a little jazzed up, smoke a half a job, and go home and watch Mission Impossible with the girlfriend.

And there was a gay guy across from me. And I would keep the curtain and he'd be in there with his tongue. And he'd just dance in front of fucking the window with Stevie Wonder. No, he danced to Stevie Wonder. You know, not isn't she lovely, one of those jams. And he would just look at himself in the mirror. He was no pride, you know what I'm saying? Your friend wouldn't fuck him in the muffler.

San Francisco. Transients. Everybody went to San Francisco. They were like Joey. There were people running from something else. That's why people went to San Francisco. Now it's something different, but back then in 85, I caught the end of it.

It was very interesting. I loved it. I went back and I saw the change immediately. Yeah. This is how insane I am. I hate saying this story, but it's an honest. I got married. This happened to me in 85.

I got married in 89. And the night of the honeymoon, I got to get an April. I got to get some coke. She was six months pregnant, where she ain't going nowhere. She was snoring already in the hotel room. And I got up, and I went to the tenderloin. I rented a Z-200 on Nissan, like Joey Bananaz.

I couldn't afford that shit. But you get married, you put on the visa card. And I went to the tenderloin. I looked around for Bambusi. That was my main Cuban dude. He was an engineer in Cuba. This guy told me shit that, you know, they filled me in on where I came from. The shit my mother never filled me in on, kind of.

So I really liked this guy. And I went, and somebody goes, if you're looking for bamboo, I haven't seen him, but he usually hangs out in this bar and whatever, El Quixote or something. I walked in there's Bamboozzi. I go, I need an eight ball brother. He cried when he saw him. We were partners that summer. We made a lot.

I knew his family, you know. We hugged, and I bought an eight ball from him. I didn't. It was like, I don't know. I went back to the hotel and stayed in my car with like a 12 pack of beer. And I drank and did the eight ball in the car. I finished about 6.30 in the morning like a loser that I was. I threw the shit away and I went upstairs and walked in.

She was still sleeping. I just got next to her and went to bed. She never knew I left. How disgusting am I? You pay for your sins, cuckuckuckers. That story haunts me, George. it haunts me, but it happens. When you're a fucking fiend, you're a fiend.

But I got up that night to go to fucking A's against the Yankees when they had fucking Konseko and his cousin and then that night, guess what I did? No, guess what I did the next night? You wouldn't believe this one, motherfucker. Opening night, the Giants in San Francisco

with Snowy Joey Montana at the old fucking place where if you thought you've been cold somewhere, you better check yourself. All right, because you will free. What's the name of that plant? Candlestick Park. With the river right next to the ocean, you just freeze at night.

Tremendous, tremendous. I lasted like a quarter and a half. And we got to go. It's too fucking cold in here. There's a bar down the corner. I like the Giants, but, you know, I don't need to see this fucking, I need to be out here being a penguin. Have you seen the guy in that by that park?

They have a guy with a kayak who goes and gets the balls that go over. Like, he's done it for years. Yeah, I see. There's a few guys out there in kayak. That's crazy. So do you remember the club, Holly something, the comedy club in downtown Toronto? I'm talking 98, 99. Comedyville, Comedy land.

Oh, my God. No, I got it. The guy was a magician. Comedyville. Comedyville. And your picture was on the wall there. Yes. And there was one downtown.

Then he had another one uptown. And his name was the incredible Boris. Yes. And he was a hypnotist and not a very good hypnotist. He'd bring people on stage. You know, you bring about 20 up. He'd maybe get one or two. You know, a normal hypnotist, give 10, 15.

These other people just looking at him. And he was a clean hypnotist. Do you remember he'd be like, you are on the beach right now. He'd speak like that. You're on the beach of the sand is warm, the sun is warm, and you're just drinking it in. And you're thirsty because it's so hot out. So you order a nice frozen drink, your favorite drink.

And you sip it. And people just look at him like, they knew it was bullshit. And he would book people. And then he'd try and get booked off of his bookings. So he'd book people to come work his club and then be like, I should come work your club. Like he was hypnotizing them.

That was a good two weeks. I worked it because you have to work at two weeks in a row. Yeah. It was $1,200 for two weeks. Yeah. And you had to stay there for two weeks and you lived upstairs on top of the fucking vending machine.

Yeah. There was a bar down below. There was a bar down below where the food was, you know. And there was a Cuban neighborhood there in Toronto. They had a couple Cuban restaurants. I went there. Another education. Those are fucking nice people.

Comedy would. Comedy would. That's what it was. Comedy would. And here's the deal. They had two different clubs. You did one week at one club and one week at the other club. The one week you lived on top of a club that you shared a room with somebody else.

Somebody had a door. I mean, the door you could blow on it. Yeah. And it didn't matter. You were not safe at all up there. And the second week, when you went there, you stayed with his cousin's house. In the basement. We had a big, tall cousin.

He had the cousin. Look like a mobster. What do you think he did for a living? He drove hookers. Yeah. So every night he'd knock on your door. Hey, I got one here that's half alive. I'd give me it to for 40 bucks.

And you're like, dog. Come on, man. Come on, man. It was surreal. You know, when you're a comic, man, it's so surreal the shit that you bump into on the road. Yeah. And at one point, you're like, I'm too old for this shit.

I can't do this no more. You know, now I was. The last 20 years, I was fine. It was what I was doing on the road till 2005, 2006 that I think about now, and I'm like, I wouldn't have made it. I wouldn't have made it. And especially now, because there's no real

bad comics on the road. There's no comics that get fucked up on the road. No. Not like the old days. People are doing everything. People are drinking. People ain't getting drunk on stage. People aren't pissing themselves on stage.

You know, it's a different fucking animal. Yeah, dog. I used to do coyotes. And the guy's name is Kippa Dada. He pissed himself in Las Vegas on stage. Was he just drunk? He was fucked up to the gills, coked up. When you pee your pants on coke and you don't feel it, that's good coke, dog.

He didn't feel it? He didn't know he was being himself? No, no. Larry Horowitz shit himself. He took some egg salad from this first gig. They did this gig. He goes, can I take some of the egg salad? They go, whatever you want.

Takes it, leaves it in the back of the car. They drive all day. and the hot sun, hot sun beaten down on this egg salad, gets the next gig, he goes, I'm going to eat that egg salad, you want it? That's the other guy, I guess, no, man, it's been the son all day, fucking pussy, eats this whole thing egg salad.

The other guy does emcees for about 20, Larry Horowitz goes up, Blazer comic, you know, Blazer Jewish guy. He has this big actor where he fills his face up, he's like a tomato about the burst, goes into that bit, shits himself from the egg salad. And the people in the front row are going, the fuck, what the fuck?

And he goes, I'll be right back. And the host comes up on stage. And he's like, you're okay. So cover me. Cover me. All right, everybody. Larry just took a step out. Where did you say you're from again?

Goes into that. Larry comes back. Doesn't have a change of clothes. Takes his blazer off, wraps it around his waist, comes back up. All right, everybody. Goes into the closer, finish. He's up and he's like, thank you so much for coming out. And he leaves, you shit his pants.

And it's like an urban legend in Canada. And they go, what's the lesson in the story? You want to be like, don't steal egg salad. Don't eat hot egg salad. The lesson of the story is always do your time. Always do it. He's still had five minutes left. You go up and you finish that five minutes.

You don't leave the other guy hanging out to dry. I had that early on. You know when you gave that first good 15 minutes. Yeah. Some guy took me on the road. Great guy, great guy. But he was a boozer. And one night, I had already done my heart out.

He told me that I asked, you know when somebody says, do you got 20 minutes? Yeah, but you really got 15. Yep, you don't got. And that's if you remember something good. You got 15, and they're watching you. They're going to pay you 150 bucks, whatever. And dog, I went up there and poured my heart out and did the 20 minutes.

It was great. He went up there, second show. Fucking tanked. Ten minutes. And he's like, Joey, come up here. And he fucking went to the bathroom, he peaked. He'd feed. I had to go up there and do 15 wing in the dog.

They were ready to throw shit at me. You understand me? I mean, that's the painful shit. That's the shit that you remember. That's what people look at you. And they go, well, you got lucky. Let me tell you your story. Where a guy called me back when I had no fucking material as it was.

Okay? I was like hanging on to life when I got him. I was very happy. But then 10 minutes a day, he's like, You know, come on stage, cover for me. I was up there fucking 13 minutes. Oh, come on. You have no idea where fear is.

Oh, he's saying the same shit. When that sweats starts coming out, and when you feel it in places you've never felt sweat before, then you start to panic. That's the panic button right there for me. Then you've got to breathe it out, make sure, you know, remember something good.

It's fucking crazy a life of the stand-up motherfuckers. See, I forgot all about that type of shit. You used to tease me. You used to be like, I'm not going to give you the light. I'm not going to let you make you do 45 when I had 10. Why not? That's the only way you learned.

Oh, my God. You know, one of the biggest lessons I ever had doing stand-up was my dog, Jimmy Abade and Denver. I remember living here and going, this is too much work. I got to fucking bring five people. Jimmy Abed has got rooms all over the place. He was a Mexican hustler.

He had bars, taco places, fucking Red Robbins. It didn't matter. He made everybody give comedy a show. shot. Some places didn't work. They have a pool table. They don't want to turn the Denver Nugget game off. They don't want to turn the Colorado hockey game off.

You know, and I get it. And fucking, he had a room one night. He would give me, he would call me on Sunday and go, Tuesday, I got this. Wednesday, there's a room here. I can't get you paid, but I get you 15 minutes. Yeah. Thursday, I got a room here. He was one of those dudes.

You know, and I forever thank him. And fucking, what are we talking about? struggle the old days how you had to stretch this was very interesting because I bet somebody who's done it to you and all they're going to do it to you he was a good looking is 1993 he was a kid I was a kid you know I was 30 and 94 I was 31 years old and you know these bars had women at him and one night one night he made me go up on stage and he goes to 18 minutes If you panic, let me know I'll work with you.

Well, he was supposed to give me the light. What happened was he got in the car with some girl. He got in the car with some girl. He started making out one and swapping, he forgot. I'm up there throwing heat because I'm not conscious of the time. Do you follow me? I was having such a good time. And thank God, I run up there and riff for 15 or 20 minutes.

Because then I started to panic. And then I go, okay, but at least I got my material. sit back on. Yeah. And finally I saw the light and I got off and I go, Jimmy, where the fuck have you been? He goes, he goes, Joey, you did 43 minutes. Yeah. And I remember my head blowing up. What are you talking about 43 minutes? I barely have 18.

He goes, bro, you just did 43 minutes. I was look at my fucking clock. Because in those days you had the tape recorder and the fucking stopwatched like a fucking, you know, nobody had phones and nobody had fuck. none of that shit. We worked death. Yep. Debt!

You know, and it's crazy. We didn't talk about this yet. You know, I had the opportunity Saturday night to open up for Tom Segura at the garden. And it was great. It was a great honor. I had a great time. You know, I was loose. I was nervous all day. Listen, it wasn't 2020 Joey Diaz, but I still got a little

polished left to me, you know what I am? And it's so weird. Lee asked me when I came in here, how was it? I'm very happy that I had the opportunity to do it. But being up on that stage, it reminded me of that comedy club you did like your sixth year comedy and you got that.

It wasn't a stage. It was a ping pong table. And you were basically on top of the audience kind of weird. It took me right back to that. Like when I was out there, I didn't see anything. all I saw was this.

I just saw this, and this was what got me through. If I would have looked at this, I would have shit my fucking pants. When I looked up, I can't see. So it doesn't matter. It's dark. All I see is like a city.

That's all I see up there. Seriously, I don't see nothing. I just see a fucking city up there, you know? But it took me back to the importance of doing shitty rooms. Like, that's all. All I could think about was Lee and all of us. How important it is that, yeah, it's great to do improvs and theaters with your friends,

but I respect dudes that still go to the dungeon twice a week and work it out. Because that's the only way you get better. Anybody could go to whatever comedy club and they walk in. They're already mentally prepared that they're going to laugh. I want you to go to a bar, to a back room.

You know, you see a guy giving a chick giving a guy a handjob under the table. table and uh done those i've done all those rooms i know you have and it's crazy how you got to keep doing to stay really sharp to remind you of the piece of shit that you are yeah like that's when you fucking walk out and go hmm next time i cash his check i'm going to put a mask on so don't even because i'm a fraud you know what i'm a fraud you know because that's what that mentality does to you and for me i always said rich i spoke to rich vass and he said he said he bought it to Felipe at the Houston, whatever.

And he goes, Felipe said to send you his love and start, I got to call him. And we were talking, and I go, you know, Felipe was one of those guys that gave me 80 bucks a week. That's $3.20 a month, right? You're like, Joey, I'll give you $3.20 a month just to fucking light your cigarette or whatever. No.

Felipe, this is $40 from $40? Was $40? You know what I'm saying? When you're like, wait a second, this is a little fucked up here. But him and Willie Barsena had Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday. If you showed up, they gave you a burrito and $40. And that started the night or at least you got a $25 bag of Coke and gasoline money to get you back to the comedy store.

And you still had other stops. Like I learned, I cut my teeth on the Mexican rules. Yeah. Get two tacos and do 15 minutes and they give you $25. And on the way back to the comedy store, we'd just make stops. It was like picking up little envelopes, $25 here, $35 there, At the end of the night, I'm back at the store with a buck in a quarter.

That's fucking big, five nights a week when you're... Fridays, no. Saturdays you gotta work on your own. But these motherfuckers had... There were such hustlers. They had all those rooms that you had to work from a dungeon out. You follow me.

It's spotty, they're drunk, and you got to work yourself out. That's real work. And that's what I always think about. And I've got to get myself one of those rooms. I got to get involved one of those rooms that you might get hit with a fucking can. Yeah. Chicken wings, coins. I had everything thrown at me.

It's fun for me now because I'm in my eighth year. So, like, now I'm just starting to, like, the first time I was in those rooms, it, like, I would, like, not do well. But now, like, I'm seeing, like, that I'm doing better, like, and that those rooms have, like, helped in, like, heckler situations at, like, clubs. It's like, Nick is here. And I just said it. I was kind of standing. I was kind of stealing one of Joey's lines, but at parks, like a huge show for me, 1,500 people, I had my fly down on a screen the size of the Madison Square Garden. And this woman said, like, pointed it out. And apparently I said, I'm going to leave it.

I thought I just said, I'm going to leave it down. Nick said, I'm going to leave it down, bitch. And I did, I left it down the whole set. And it did, it got a big laugh. But it was like, it's crazy how, I guess those, like, the hard rooms give you confidence or giving, so I don't know. Doing a hard room is like working out with a weighted vest. That's what I compare it to.

Yeah. If you do three hard rooms tonight and you go one out of two, one of three, you know what I'm saying? Like the other people are drunk. There's a lot of variables in those rooms. There's people shooting pool. There's people who are there to get a package. There's people who are there to get a cheeseburger.

There's people who are there to watch whatever the season is, whatever baseball, college basketball, they're there. Some people go listen, I got 50 people here that want to watch college basketball. I'm sorry, I can't turn it off. You've got to fight through that. And you go up there and you start fucking around and next thing you know. When you go up there, you've got to go up there with a different mindset. If they're eating and I'm going up there cold, all I want them to acknowledge me.

I'm not even going for a lap. I just want them to eat their steak and look up and go, hmm, and go back to the steak. If I get them to do that, I already won this battle. Next week, when I come back, I'm going to get them to eat, look at me, and breathe one time and go, what is this guy talking about? And by the third week, it's the same much. The room I started at, Tuesday nights, I was the house MC. It was the same people because they gave you 1595. Yeah. They gave you a prime rib and a potato and a fucking thing of that dirty shrimp and bowl them. Remember the broker in? So I love that place. That place taught me how to do

comedy because I had to go out in front of the same people every week. So every week I had to come up with seven minutes. Seven minutes I had to come up with. I would stay up all night Monday. Monday night, I wouldn't even sleep. Tuesday afternoon, I would stay up and go do that show. And that's how important it was to me. They gave me $100 a week.

I did that job for 16 months. Then I pushed the fucking manager to the bookshelf because I had enough of that cut second. I did five the other night. Saturday night I did five. First four, just ripping, rolling, going, what am I doing in these clubs? I should be big time.

Then the fifth set comes up. The host sucks. He goes, go up there and wake him up. I go, that was your job. So I go up, they're dead. They don't know what common. I'm doing shit that kills out of the gate. They're staring at me like I just fingered one of the,

their daughters, you know, just looking at me, like, what the fuck is this guy sit? And there's a brother over there just on his phone the whole time. I go, what are you doing? He's just going to stay on your phone the whole time. He looks at me, just keeps going on his phone. Two girls are with him and they're kind of giggling. I go, it's your fucking, what's your problem? What's your fucking, he goes, why does everything have to be gay? And I go, what do you mean? He goes, they're laughing whenever you do gay jokes, they're laughing. I'm like, yeah, that's the world now. It's gay. catch wind of that. And some guy goes, that's true.

My brother's trans and just yells it out. And then all of a sudden, the brother is on the phone. And he goes, yo, man, ask if the brother got a pussy. And I go, your brother got a pussy? He goes, yeah. Yeah, brother got a pussy. He goes, yo, man. And he puts his phone away.

And he gets into the show 13 minutes in. He goes, ask him what the pussy tastes like. What's your brother's pussy taste like? He goes, I don't know. And then everybody comes together off this guy that hated me. That's a show. That you think it's going to maybe turn into a fight. And then all of a sudden it comes around.

No, that's what people like. Yeah. That's what people like. They leave, they going, man, you didn't do a joke. No. You didn't do a joke. You walked there for 45 minutes, just banging. You didn't even do a joke.

Yeah. You got off there going, ooh, wow, that was fucking amazing. And you're just trying to survive up there. You're just trying to turn them. You got some dates coming up? What do I got? I'll be in Florida at some point. Key West.

I don't go nowhere good, man. It's going to be Florida. Comedy Key West. I'm going to be doing that Marco Island place. What's it with the captain guy that wears a suit? What's his name? Captain Ryan. Captain Brian.

Off the hook in Naples. I'm going to be there. And then I'm around New York City all the time. You got Feld a lot. Now I'm on Jimmy Phila, Fox News, Saturday nights. Okay. No, no gunfell? No, I haven't done gutt failed.

Who the fuck? What did you do? That's it, Fiala? Fox News, Jimmy Phala. You're a Fox dude. Regular on there. Thank God. We need more Fox News.

He watches me all the time. Yeah, we need more Foxx News. What's up with you, Lee Syatt? Where are you at this week, my little pigeon of love? Fourth and fifth, I met the New York Comic Club in Stanford with Josh Wolf. Very excited. This weekend? Yes.

Right. Keep an eye out for Lee Syed. He's making moves. He used to be the director from Israel. Now he's making it happen. and another venues. I want to congratulate them. I want to congratulate them.

I'm doing the dojo next Wednesday, the ninth, I think, the day this. Wednesday. This week, what's Tuesday? Wednesday is the second times seven plus seven. That's nine. April night. And we're still doing Moon Tower.

And that's it. And that's that, guys. I'm happy that you came on today. Different flavor. We've got a nice New York young, nice comic. You got the other Jewish flavor over there. Lee Syatt, look on that's so funny. The other Jewish flavor.

That's the other flavor. No, Aaron's the other one. Mine is the normal. No, relax. It's a joke. What do you mean, relax? If you're out there just listening to the podcast and you picture a Jew, draw a picture of a Jew, it's okay.

It's going to look more like me than it looks like Aaron. Yeah, it is. There's no Jews that look like Aaron. He looks like Nazi propaganda. I really do. He looks like fucking the guy that sits on a plane, the rapper, DJ Khalid. He looks like he should have his fingers together. Yeah, I did mushrooms.

Last time I saw you, I was doing mushrooms. I looked at you at one point. I'm like, what's DJ Khalid doing that? That's Lee's Lee. All I do is Vin, Vin, Vin, Vin, Man, Fatt. I love you, motherfucker. I love you, motherfuckers. Have a great week.

We'll see you next Tuesday. Tip, top. Magoo, don't forget, Blue 2 to keep that little helmet strong, and boom, boom, fire. With the tremendous flavors, they got every different color, every

fight, and listen, they taste good, and they take you where you need to go. And that's Uncle Joey Deal. I'm laying on you right now. Stay black, have a great week, and that's it. Support my man, Aaron Berg, and my little brother over there, Lee Syatt. And I'm Joe Diaz,

old goat in the room, but I love you. Stay black and have, oh, and stay black and have a great week. Good morning. Uncle Joey here. Just want to fill you in. The summer is on the way, and if you need a quick fix for that limp dick, Blue Chew's got you covered. Blue Chewable tablet that can help you have better sex. It's all done online to boot.

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