The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - Dog, It's a party!

Episode Date: April 22, 2025

Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt break down their recent trip to Austin for The Moontower Festival. They talk about their time at The Mothership, Joey tells a hilarious never before heard story about a time that Adam Sandler had to tell Joey to put his "speedbag" away on The Longest Yard, Joey and Lee break down what, "making it" means to them, and much more! Support the show and get 3 months of cell service with Mint Mobile for just $15 a month. Head to https://www.mintmobile.com/CHURCH  Download the DraftKings Sportsbook app today and use code JOEY. New customers bet just $5 to get $200 in bonus bets instantly.

What's happened, you bad motherfuckers? It's Tuesday the 22nd of April. The day the devil was buried in sea. The church of what's happening now, New Testament, coming at you. Let's get this fucking party started. Welcome back to show. We're back. What's up, you bad motherfuckers?

Uncle Joey here, my main man, Lee Syatt. We're solo. Just how you like it. No guest today. Nobody busting your balls. us coming at you direct you know what I'm saying? Do you to bust my balls? Nah, you're going to be fine.

We had a great last week. Anybody who came out to the Paramount, I want to thank you with all my heart. You guys were great audiences. I was fucking really nervous in front of you guys. I didn't know what to expect, but you guys, I was going to Texas. We were the fucking Mike kidding.

I'm happy Lisa. I came down me. It was great sets. He got fucked up the first night of Terry Blacks. He had an Eden Adderall. at fucking uh, Mitzies. Well, then I found out a lot. So I didn't get fucked up in Terry Blacks,

but I think you brought me to Terry Blacks on purpose. Someone reached out and was like, hey, edible is hit you harder when you have fat, like fatty food. So you brought me to the home of fatty food. When you're eating those carnitas, lizard skins, you were getting just as high, all right?

You eat pork tacos. When? All the time you have carnitas. When? All the time in L.A. you had carnitas. I don't know what you're talking about. This last, Did you see me eating carnitas off the food truck?

No. No, I got Agrabisado, the fucking steak. Okay. I don't know what you're talking about. I don't eat pork on the road. No, I don't eat pork on the road. I'm Cuban. I respect that shit.

We're the kings of the pork. Why would I go out with the minglets and eat that shit that they make? That pool pork shit, you can take that shit and shove it up your mother's ass. I hate pool pork more than anything in the fucking world. Oh, me too. And barbecue pork and fuck you. You want to rock with me? come down Las Bresas and get the pork chunks and then come fucking talk to me.

Or get the fucking perniel, that meat that's clean, Bobby. With the yucon on the side, yeah, I don't want to even eat that shit. I just want the fucking pernial. If it's not that, I don't want it. You know this. No pork? Okay. No, no, I don't never eat carnitas out.

That's a fucking, listen, that's a percentage of ruining your asshole. You have to look at carnitas and lizard skins and go to yourself. What are the percentages of my asshole? surviving. The guy's got one glove on. The other hand, he just picked his nose. He's scratched. He's changing dollar bills. He's got cocaine in his hand, dirty hands,

and he's in your fajitas. Now, don't get me wrong. Sometimes that adds to the seasoning. Right or wrong. I had a fat black dude in Dallas one time, sweating on the pork chop. That's pork shop. 400 pounds, armpit, off his forehead.

When his head sweat, when hit the pork chop, he'd go, I can single, you know what I'm saying? Yeah. I ain't like any of those motherfuckers on white bread at $2 a piece. Oh, he was just selling it like out of his car or something? I just stayed right there.

I was hired and fucked after a show. It was a black show. And this chubby little black dude was out there, one of those Bahama Mama white beaded shirts with stains on. Somebody shot him with a musket. He had different holes in it. And he's out there fucking making these fucking pork chops with the bones in him, George. It's 99 degrees. It's Dallas.

Oh, my God. It's 8 o'clock at night, and this guy is drenched. He's just dropping titty sweat and armpit sweat, and the pork chop will go, yeah, and I would go, give me another one. Frank's hot sauce with a can of Coke, eight of those motherfuckers. Even the last one, I ate him out of white bread. He gave me the fucking, he gave me the elbow at the end, the fucking hard part that you give to the pigeons and the Puerto Ricans, you know what I'm saying?

Oh, my God. You had eight pork sandwiches? Oh, my God. I was 400 pounds. What did you expect me to get? Fuck. But see, that's why I was 400 pounds because I was eating pork on the road.

But that was tremendous. That was not. I studied him. I watched him a night before. Yeah. I was watching him the night before. I was watching how he was marinating the pork chion. And I also watched how he was dipping him

the fucking thing with the seasoning. He was a savage. He was putting like the Cuban shit. Not the Cuban shit. The other moho or the other one? Adobo. He was putting him in adobo. So I knew the motherfucker knew what he was doing.

On a grill. And then he would smash. and you had 400 pounds of bone and sweat or beat out there, you know what I'm saying? So when you were that heavy, like you wouldn't mind eating in public? Like when I was that fat, I would hate eating in the public. I had $28 in my pocket. It's like I could stroll into fucking the palm and edgewater.

No, I mean like I would be to go. You know, I'm trying to eat clean meat, but I told you in 95, I was getting Subway sandwiches, veggie and cheese. And even still, I wouldn't eat the meat in my lowest times. I would never eat that lizard meat That's just to let you know I'm not like you You don't eat that fucking pigeon meat

I don't think I've been in a subway in 10 years It doesn't matter because you got medals From Subway they sent you a blacker shit You and that pedophile that motherfucker That's still in jail Oh Jesus That motherfucker is still in jail Last time I heard about him

He's getting like super fat again He's getting super fat because he's eating carbs What do you think they give you fucking lean meat in prison? Oh I heard of it like it was like honey buns Like he's going old school. Oh, yeah, he's going on. And he's sucking dick. They're raping him in there.

He's getting beat up. Remember an article came out like three years ago. He's getting beat up like the first month. He had a black eye and shit. Yeah. Oh, yeah. They got it. And once they know you're a pedophile, they give it to you.

Somebody finds out they suck between every place you go, they're going to fuck you. That's, and trust me, I'm for that. But how do they make that rule? They're like, okay, pedophile, we're going to kill you. You killed 30 people, but you're, cool. Like I just don't, like, I don't get where the rules. You kill 30 people, they put you on a death sentence, right, or a life in prison. If you got the death sentence, you exhaust it with appeals.

Right. And someday, you'll have to face the music, but by that time, it might be 18 fucking years from now. So you can buy yourself 18 years. A pedophile, unless somebody dies, they just put you in jail. They do that liquid castration. Oh, shit. They give you those pills to knock your dick off and so you don't get hard on. I don't know.

Right. I don't know. So I just heard about this maybe. two or three years ago, that some prisons give you, if you have a long sentence, they give you that medication to, no, not saltpeter. It's something to fuck. It's chemical castration. Yeah, yeah.

Chemical castration. So in time you're done, you'll never bother nobody again, you know? By that time, you'll. Dude, it's crazy. Did you see that they're executing people now with, like, the firing squads, like guns? Where? In America, a couple of, like, over the last couple of months, there's been a, a, you know, couple of people who have chosen firing squad.

That's fun. I mean, you have to really, let's say you shoot. Let's say you shoot somebody, right? And you get the chair. You ever go see what happens seeing the chair? Yeah. And if the chair don't work, you're still half alive, your eyeballs hanging.

And they're like, shoot them, shoot them. They're giving you all this shit for your heart. I'd rather, listen, that's the best way to go. If somebody says, listen, you've got to go in the morning. Pick your poison, cyanide, fucking whatever. You like that. You walk out there. They raise the flag.

There's a guy behind you a little drum. That da-da-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta. They put you to the wall. They take the mask off of you. You have the thing around your hand. Any last request. Do you like a cigarette? Yeah, and they give you a little cigarette, right?

Whether you smoke or not, you take the cigarette. You know what I'm saying? Oh, yeah. You kill an extra three time. That's extra three minutes. You're out there. You fucking smoke that cigarette to the fucking filter. You got another one.

No, no, no, just one cigarette and shit. Then they put a blindfold on you. It's not like you're watching the guy shoot you. If they put your blindfold on it, then you start praying. Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for it. And you're mortals. That's it. You're dead.

That's the way to go. But you want to be sitting in a place and they fucking pray and then they put a mask on you. And they shoot. Why are we talking about this? Who's going to the chair? Thank God. Why are we going to the chair? I didn't even do nothing.

That's where I felt like I was going on Wednesday in fucking Austin. Dude, that was the highest I've been in a while. And all you had was 200 milligrams and two coconuts. So I had 300 milligrams. And he was fucking falling asleep next to my friend. Oh. I was talking to my friend. He was like, and finally, thank God, she's a savage.

She goes, leave, taking an an arrow. And I was scared. After that, he was drinking fucking, what was he drinking? Maker's Mark and Diet Coke. He had like two of them. He said, I want to go home. Okay, let's go home. I had a few.

I had some fun at that. Stop, stop. You had one or two, and that was the end of that fucking. How many didn't you have? You actually did have some margaritas. I forgot about that. You never drink. Never.

And I was popping spicy margaritas with the good tequila. And you saw me walk out of there. Alcohol does not affect me. Saturday night I had to meet somebody. I was sitting there for two hours, and I finally go, fuck it. Give me a margarita. And I drank it on the way home. I had to think about it for a minute.

Am I fucked up? I'm like, not at all. In fact, I even tried cutting the lines just to fuck with people. Okay, so it was a helicopter out there. something, you know what I'm saying? That was a lot of fun. That was a, dude, because I've been, like, Austin was the first place I ever did anything on the road.

You let me do, like, three minutes on a late show at the Old Cap City. And I was so fucking nervous that after I got off stage, my leg shook. I had to lean against the wall. My leg shook for, like, 10 minutes. Like, I just couldn't deal with the adrenaline that I had. And then I've been back a couple of times, but that was, it was the biggest room I've ever done. and I think it was the first festival I ever did, which is fucking awesome.

Thank you. That was a crazy experience. I remember when I was doing comedy, eight, nine years, and everybody would have festivals, and nobody would ever invite me to these things. After a while, you're like, what the fuck? Then I finally get invited.

I get invited to the Toyota Comedy Festival in New York City, like 1999, and your whole family comes out. And I don't know who else. And I get there, and the kid kept telling me, you're going to go up in five minutes. You're going to go up in five minutes. I got a hot audience here.

From 10 o'clock to 12, he told me, you're going to go up next. Then he put a salsa band up. And then I went up and ate a bag of dicks. And when I got out staging gave me $25. And I went home, embarrassed with people who came to see me. I felt like such a fucking asshole. And I saw that motherfucker years later, and he's like, man that night I go don't even fucking say nothing

tell me that was the setup you motherfucking guess what happened to him he died of cancer fuck him fuck him I love for you keep track well he was on one of those go fund me like skeleton shit fuck him I ain't sending that motherfucker die

I was gonna say do you send him like 20 cents nothing that's what you get for put me on after the salsa band because he was fucking a horrible comic and he didn't want to get show you know he was like the host you remember that night I think he were there George. I was fucking furious that night. But that was it. Every other festival gave me shit.

I wasn't good enough. Meanwhile, I'm at the store killing motherfuckers. And they're like, nah, you can't come do off. And then I started looking at the schedule. And I'm like, these are okey-dog motherfuck motherfuckers anyway. Yeah. What am I going to do with these fucking peasants? And then they would give you like $50 a set.

Like, remember they had one in Ohio and all those every year? Oh, yeah. They were off from me. They're like, yeah, we'll give you $55. This one. Save the $55. I'd rather do the spot at the store. Yeah, or they'll be like, oh, we'll give you a hotel room,

but you have to share it with two other comics. And now at least don't hit me up and give me an option to, like, headline a festival. That's cool. It'll be one of the three guys or whatever. And I don't mind doing that, but I'm bringing people that would have to fight to get to a festival.

And now you're in there. Yeah, that's your credit. Whether they like it or fucking not. You actually performed at the Paramount fucking theater. Whether they like it or not, that's it. Whether they put your name on a flyer, who gives a fuck? You did it. Right.

And that's all that matters. Sold out. And that's all that matters. And that's why when you do those festivals, I try to take people that, you know, are going to fight for their life to get into a festival. You're not with three managers or three certain agents. Then I'm going to look at you for those festivals. So is that how you get at, like, at your level, I know that, like, your agent, who knows how that.

But no, I never got a call for a festival before until I started saying. put me in some fucking festivals. Oh, shit, okay. Because they're like one night, two nights, and I'm out of there. I'm not going to the festival premiere. I'm not going to any of the fucking parties. I'm not going to, I don't want to sing. I don't want to pay the bongos.

I don't want to do anything. I just want to focus on my fucking show, do the best I can at my show, and get the fuck out of there. And I'm surprised to hear you say that you were nervous. You didn't seem nervous? Always fucking nervous. Well, you're always nervous, but, like, you didn't like,

you said you were nervous to go out there didn't say, like, Oh, I'm not going to sit there with my knees banging. You know, I'm not that type of nervous. Listen, I've told you a thousand times. If you don't get nervous, quit. Right. Quit.

If you don't give a fuck how they're going to feel or what reaction they're going to give you, quit. You always have to be a little nervous. And then when you touch the microphone, the thing comes out of your stomach, a little fart comes out of your head. You hold the microphone, that's where every, that's when you know you're on.

Whatever's in that midsection, whatever butterfly, whatever heart palpitation you're having. Once you touch that, what was the movie? Carrie, when the guy touches the microthone, he chokes the death on the stage. I just saw it the other day. He was on last week at about two in the afternoon.

I went home and watched it with my wife. Tremendous the last half hour. Oh shit, where the blood comes down? Yeah, and then she goes home and the fucking mother tries to stab her. Fucking tremendous movie. Fuck, I haven't seen that a long time. It was time.

Anyway, yeah, that's what I don't like about all that shit. The festivals, the people you see are people that have big people that are agents and when the festival people call them, they go, oh, you're looking at Joey Diaz. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, hold on. You got to look at Lee first. You got to look at this guy.

You got to look at this guy. He's making waves. He's getting spots at the store. His podcast was number 88 on Global. You know, and they get him in because you're calling for me. So that's what you get as an agent, is leverage.

When you have a name, you have leverage. You have, you know, Shane Gillis. You have Chris Rock. You have Joe Rogan, that's leverage. Then you have the bottom guys, the guys that were me 30 years ago, on the bottom that were looking up waiting for a fucking something to drop. Does anything have a fucking drop from up there? You know what I'm saying?

It's crazy. Because it's, I applied to a bunch of festivals that got into the Boston. $35. Oh, yeah, yeah. And you got to say, go fuck yourself. Go fuck. Who the fuck are you to judge me? And I got to give you $35.

Go fuck yourself. You know what I'm saying? At one point, as a comedian? or even as a human being. You got to sit there and go, let me think of this dynamic one more time here. Okay, I'm a desperate comment. I'm trying to get on the board.

But how desperate am I? By sending a $35 gift to, whatever the fuck you got to say. A certified check for $35. And trust me, people have been doing this for years. And I remember when I was that comic and went to a, how to go to a black club, club mixed. That club ended because they shot four people on comedy shows. Oh, my God.

I had to go down there and make a tape on a comedy show. Wednesday night to send it, which I knew. If I was fucking got a standing ovation on that tape, they weren't going to put me in the festival. And this is 1995, 94, and I had to pay $35 then. Never heard from them again. Then they made me, they wrote me,

if you want to be whatever, a volunteer and work the show. I was so fucking embarrassed. I felt like fucking crying. So now you're taking my 35 bucks and you want to give me a volunteering job so I get experience. so I can learn what a stage looks like. Really?

Ain't that a bitch? You know what I'm saying? Why do you think some comics forget about this stuff? Because they're not looking at the big picture. They're not going, wait a second. I'm sending $35 to somebody who I don't fucking know. This guy don't run a network. No.

This guy don't run a network. This guy doesn't know what talent is. What are we sending this to? I want you to figure out who you're sending it to. Some guy, Joey Diaz, has been a, and various films and performed all over the world. Show me the money. Show me his resume.

Show me that IMDB. What movies has he been in? Oh, he was an extra on cha-cha man. And that's not over. And that's what we buy into. I see it now. I subscribe to comedy pages to see all the scams. I don't have the balls yet.

There's like four guys on their pitching their Zoom comedy. Classes. We've done thousands of cruise shows. and thousands or whatever, and young comics want to meet those guys. I took one class at the University of Colorado for $35. And I took one at the New York Comedy Club for 50. And listen, the guy was mediocre,

but I learned one thing. Stand-up is you or something. What your beliefs are is against the world beliefs. And that's it. You've told me that for a while. For a long time. So, you know, they have all these scams to try.

Listen, when you get to Hollywood, Hollywood's about to go under. But here's the funny thing. When you get to Hollywood, you sign with an agent. You finally get an agent. And then they're like, all right, let me look at your headshot. Oh, we don't like that headshot. We never like that headshot. We want to get you in front of big names.

Here, take a list, call one of these people, tell them you want headshots. That Sandy sent you. They'll take good care of you. Oh, my God, Boris. Oh, my God. The headshots he does. Now you call Boris.

Boris wants to charge you $800 because they already told them what characters you're going to say. You have to take a picture of you as a fireman. You as a pizza man. Those are all 300 apiece. Then these motherfuckers make you go get copies. Oh, yeah.

Which all those businesses are out of business and all right. Because the headshot is obsolete. There's no one. Nobody has a solid headshot. I think I was the last person to buy a headshot. Yeah. And you still have to throw it. them away. Oh, I threw them away when I left LA.

I got, I got still some headshots left, but, you know, they're fucking useless. They're from 30 years ago. So, then they get you there. Then, you get a commercial agent, and they're like, we love your look. There's the paperwork to what you're going to do with your headshots. Now,

you've got to go to LaBrea, stand online, and pay another $80 to get into a fucking web thing. So the agents could look at your headshot. Then they bang you with another website. Then they bang you with another website. Listen, it's a bang fest and you're 21. You just graduated from college. You were going to go work for your father, but you called your grandfather and told him that you really

wanted to be an actor. You and your friends used to jerk off from Westin'at Live and thought it was the best thing you ever watched. So now you're going to, your grandfather's only like, okay, I'll give you my inheritance up early. And it gives you like a hundred grand. And you go to Hollywood, bro. And you get all, you fall for all the scams. They see you, you can. You can, you coming, breathing exercises for acting, how to move and balance and acting. It is unfucking real. Oh, dude, when I, like a year before we left LA, I did a commercial acting class. And I did it.

And then this commercial agent reached out to me. I went down to his office and I swear to God. His name of Luke? Some, I can't, I thank God I can't remember. Zulik. Maybe. Zulik or something like that. Yeah.

Dude, I was in the waiting room and there was a little person. in his office, a girl, and he calls me and he goes, and this was when I was over 300 pounds. And he went, he looked straight at me. He's like, yeah, I think we're going to do good things. The only other fat guy I have is a ginger and it scares people. So he was just all he did was look on that website for like weird looking. He had the little person, he had the fat guy.

Yeah. That was all he had was just weird people. And that, like, it was, and I still get, I got more auditions when I left L.A. He still sends me e-mail. somehow. Remember he sent you in for a show as the fat guy to wiggle and you wouldn't do it? I don't want to do it for 300 hours. I didn't do he brought. And I'm like, I'm going to set your career on fire. And he's like, I don't want to do it for three hours. I moved. I was in Massachusetts. I got an email to fly to L.A. to audition to be the fat guy like dancing on Tosh. Point O

like tomorrow. They're like, you got to be here tomorrow. And I'm like, no, I don't want to, I don't want to be the fat guy dancing. And I'm not going to fly there to probably not get it either. Oh my God I had never experienced that I went to like three auditions And it was like how everyone Whenever you hear about auditions on like podcast Like oh you go and there's 80 of you in a room

I went and there were 20 of me And it was scary And they were like because you were supposed to be like Outside in your pajamas getting the newspaper And so all the other guys weren't It was not I think that was rock bottom from me And it just going

Just realizing what I look like And that's non-union too Oh it was all the other guys all non-union. Yeah, that's a fucking nightmare. That's what they keep you there all day for like 500 cash. Dude, I was thinking about, I was talking with someone recently about when I met you, I was there editing reality TV and right, like literally, I think a week before I left my job and we just did this full time, I went to a meeting to join the editors union. And like, it was crazy, dude, in another life. Like I'm 600 pounds in L.

either dead or editing. It was crazy where my life almost went. And yeah, I was, dude,

they scam you there. When I was editing, I got a call one day to edit the poker TV shows. Not the big one, like the small one. They wanted to give me like 800 a week

and then they can use you. This was the best. They said, listen, you know how every other job you work five days a week? Here, you have to agree to work

Saturdays, but we almost never ask you to do it. which means they ask you to do it every week. Yeah. Six days a week for eight. And I still have to pay the dues. Like you have to pay the dues. That would have been crazy, dude.

It was a wild, it's wild how that happened. It's crazy how you go to school for something. Yeah. And then you get there and you're like, fuck. It's saying what I signed up for. I was looking for the bitches. Oh, yeah. I'm looking for chicks and bikinis and shit and porno.

In my mind, I thought I was going to be editing like Scorsese's movie. Like, that was my dream to like, you. you know, edit like a fucking cool movie. And I got to do some really cool TV shows, but it was the peak of what I was going to do was reality TV. And now I'm talking to people. And like, they're not even getting that. They're getting like you're editing someone's YouTube channel.

Like, that's what I would have gone to school and paid all those college zones back for to be some YouTube. And you can make a good living doing it. And there's nothing wrong with it. But that's not what my dream was. You know, it's crazy what they sell you out there. and now it's just going down. That's it.

It's over. Production companies are moving out of there. People are working for tax breaks in other states. You know, they have to get a state to agree to like a five-year tax break, and that state's going to fucking blow the fuck up. Oh, yeah. And every state does it for about two years.

Then they go, we can't do this no more. And that's the end. That's it. Houses dry up. Jobs dry up. You know, we need a state that'll do it, just like California. You know, what happened to California,

was it got so expensive to shoot in California. Say this to me again. It's like you're telling me it's too expensive in Detroit to build a car there. You know what I'm saying? That's what happened in California. That's why. And production, listen, when I got there, bro,

there was always auditions, there was this, there was that. It was kind of a joy. I had more options. On Fridays, I would be, I would have to snort Coke. I would have to snort Coke. all the movies I auditioned for and the commercials and where I was hanging. You know, I couldn't wait until Monday now to find out, you know, maybe Sunday night. It's Friday.

I don't have any fucking money. I got to pay the rent. You know, it was stressful that game of fucking sitting there all week and waiting, you know. So. Right. And then it just ended. After 2007, whatever happened in 2007, that was the end. That was the end.

was the end. When like the economy crashed. Listen, I fucking did great 2000 till 2005. My career went down after the longest yard came out, which usually most people go up. Mine went stuttered. It just fucking stayed there flat. From 2000, I shot 20 fucking things for TV and movies and taxi and this.

Then I was shooting these short films and these fucking low budget. Things and then I started picking up steam. I got sober and I'm like oh shit. Oh shit and all of a sudden one day I'm in fucking Sacramento and I'm opening up for Gabriel, but Gabriel's coming on Friday But they want us there all week so it was me and another comedian we're gonna work Wednesday and Thursday And then open for Gabriel This is like the craziest week ever and fucking Wednesday morning radio, I got into the argument

with the other comic. We almost went to blows right on radio. On morning radio? We were going to go outside and fuck it up. And the manager had to go in there, the radio staff.

So we did the show Wednesday night. I didn't like what was going on. And fucking Thursday, I go to Red Lobster to eat lunch because it was right next to that hotel. And I might get a fucking call. And it's an agent of mine

and a friend of mine. They're like, dog, Greg Garcia's looking for you. I'm like, are you fucking, for what? And they're like, he's got a new, you know, my name is Earl. Right. And they're doing, like, the whole season about a prison. I'm like, get the fuck out of here.

So I'm in Sacramento. And I go, what time I got to be there tomorrow? And they go, you could be there by one. So I said, fuck it, I'll be there. I did that last show Thursday, Friday morning I woke up, took the 6 a.m. flight to L.A. Walked in that room, had him laughing. Booked it before I even got to the airport.

to come back. And at the airport, I got a call already. It was Rogan telling me, listen, what are you doing this week? And he goes, Ari got a commercial. Come to San Francisco to Cobbs and do five shows. I was like, fuck it. I'm on the plane, cock sucker. That's wild.

So I came all the way down, did the two shows with them, and then I did five shows up there, and I booked Greg Garcia. So now he's fucking calling me a four in the afternoon. Greg Garcia, what are he doing? I got a scene for you. Come on down. We're an hour away, and I'm saying. That's how it was.

Once or twice, they actually called me and gave me a call sheet. I said, you got to be here tomorrow one in the afternoon. The first time I showed up to that set, zero fucks were given. I was sober from Coke, but I was smoking weed like a fucking soldier. And you guys will never see this. Find this shirt. Find the picture of me with a weed thing on my shirt. Right.

I'm not a fucking poster child. I smoke weed. I don't have to fucking advertise it. That's my belief since I was a kid. Right. But somebody gave me a shirt from a weed store. They gave one to me, and God rest of soul, Ralphie. They actually went out of their way and made Ralphie like a 7x.

And they made me like a 4x because I was big. Right. They made me a 4X, but once you wash it, it just felt your body. There's not too many shirts that do that. But you know that one or two shirts you have that just, you go, damn, my shit's looking tight. I love those shirts. You know what I'm saying?

And from the side, you're still a fat fuck. From the front and a certain angle, your shit is smooth. You look like fucking, you know, Superfly walking into Harlem, like that type of shit. Oh, yeah. But I love this shirt. It just felt good. The guy spent money on them. And I had like a big weed thing.

And I had camouflage shorts on and I went on the set of this. Now, usually you walk on a set, people don't say dick to you. As soon as I walked on that set, people would turn around and look at me with the shirt and go, yeah. I'm in that eight minutes. And I'm like, oh, these motherfuckers are smoking weed on the set. Oh, shit. So I went right into my green room,

fucking rolled up a bone. They had a little vent over the fucking thing. And I'm in there fucking puffing. They knock on the door, Joey, you're on. Come on, go in there. Then they put me in a prison suit. That was the prison thing. Yeah, I remember that.

So I did one, two episodes on the books. And then he would just call me at four and go, Joey, come on down. I want you in the scene. Don't worry. You're going to get paid. Don't worry. We go down and then he goes, he called me and he goes, what's your comedy schedule look like?

After 2007 and I go, or 2008, I go, I'm wide open. I just got weekends with Rogan. He goes, we're going to shoot 13 more episodes from that fucking prison, bro. I'm like, oh shit. And in my mind, I'm like, I'm going to be on TV during pilot season, which never fucking happens. That means people are trying to pick their pilots

and they're watching you on NBC on some show you might be reoccurring on or something. It was perfect. And the fucking strike came. And that was the end of that. And do you, did you at all think, like maybe when the strikes over, they'll just pick it back up?

I knew that once the strike. The strike went on for a few months, and by the time they got everything back together, they had changed the storyline, people had moved on, you know. How many people do you think, like there must be hundreds of people who have stories like they could have been the next big fucking anything but then something happened you ever see the green the green book yeah

remember the beginning when they stole that guy's hat he was at the club and somebody stole his oh yeah yeah yeah yeah and virgo mortison brings his hat back that dude was one day one day from being one of the biggest fucking stars in Hollywood. Holy shit. One day. He was the original character for Don Johnson. They had put him on retainer, $750,000 if the series went, everything.

He had it until that Friday. And Don Johnson walked in with a suntan looking like Johnny, but this Italian guy was good looking too back then. That's why they had him. a really good looking guy. He's old and he's still fucking like, dog, that's a good looking fucking dude.

He's got to be 70 now. And I guarantee he's still slinging dick. With Viagra and shit, he's got the teeth in. He's out there. Oh my God. Yeah, that dude was one day away, that Friday. So they gave him the deal on Monday and that

Friday, Don Johnson walked into that room. Could you imagine how much I would have taken that seven $150,000 to snorted Coke just like he did all the way until my fucking heart gave out. I don't know how you don't. Because if I don't make it because like I'm just not as funny, like as much as that would suck, I would understand it. But like if I feel like I like got screwed for some reason, that's, that has to kill you. We're going to go to a break real quick.

Remind me, what are we talking about if you make it? Okay. I just want to clarify this. We're going to go for a break real quick. Talk about Draft Kings. We'll be back. Hey, Uncle Joey here. Listen, the playoffs have arrived,

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slash church, C-H-U-R-C-H, upfront payment of $45, and you get the three-month five-gigabyte plan required equivalent to a $15 a month. Come on. New customer offer for three months only then full price plan options available taxes and fees extra but do me a favor cement mobile for details all right give them a shot we're back you savages i i remember this time what we we were talking about i said if i make it okay define make it because i'm sick and tired of hearing make it or i'm going to be a millionaire or no people throw that out into the fucking wilderness i know exactly what I want right now. Okay. What do you want? I want to have the ability to do any comedy club in the country. I want to be on the road between as much as I want to be in my head

right now. That's 30 to 40 weeks later in life. That might go down. But I want to be able to the headline and I want the shows to be sold out because people want to come see me. that and then honestly sold out is yeah that's like an end goal right now I'd be happy

to have like 200 people like 200 people come to want to come to every show that'd be bad I can't even it's like I see it because I'm around people who do it but to like have that

is like a dream to me that's like it's amazing I can't even comprehend it having that be my life what about just being funny. I would love to just be funny. But the only my, the reason I talk about it, like, professionally is like that's, that's, like, that's what I was saying before. If I don't make it, I don't think I'd ever stop. But my goal is to make my living doing stand-up. It's an unfortunate,

and it's crazy, but unfortunately, just being funny isn't enough to make that happen. Well, I came from a different background than you. Lee. You went to college, you invested your fucking time, okay? You have a relationship right now. How old are you? 36. 36. I mean, you're still a young fucking man.

I'm just trying to be realistic here. What happens? You know, what's the next move for you in life? Do you think you're going to do Jimmy Kimmel or are you going to get engaged? First? Yeah, this is all involved now. This all becomes a boss. now okay and now it's like you have to look at that I started comedy at 28 and it's

three months later I was divorced I was separated those first five years and I'm not saying nothing bad about being married or having a relationship in the beginning you started you know pretty being pretty tight with it you're telling me about 40 fucking weeks no woman's gonna allow that they'll be kicking ass after the first 20, you know. We'll see. But we'll burn that bridge later. You know, 40 weeks is a lot of weeks late. And I just, I've never done it. I didn't listen. I've done it and you could do it for about three years sustain it, you know, with a base somewhere that you go and settle for a few days. Right. You know, from 98 to 2004, I was out until I got the longest yard. It was nonstop.

holidays. I was never home for this poor girl's birthday. My wife, never. The 28, Christmas Eve, never, never. I would tell her, just go home to your parents' house. There's no, I'm not coming home. Because Houston would butcher me for two weeks. The best comedy club in the country at that time would tell me, come in the 22nd, do that week, and the week all the way to New Year's Eve, and then New Year's I bring in Jim Gaffigin, and I would shoot to the comedy store. It's like I didn't lose a fucking thing. That's awesome. You follow? And then I would work that. but I would always be gone. You know, for me also, always mixed in addiction.

I knew that I could go on the road and go into deep places and nobody would see me like the people right in front of you. You know what I'm saying? Right. That's the best way to disappear. And that's the thing is I don't want to disappear. So when I say, honestly, that was my goal, like even before I moved to New York, now that I'm here, part of those, and I'm just 40 weeks, I think I did like 30-something

last year. part of i am i i want to live in new york i love i never want to leave here so if some of those weeks means i'm doing two spots a night at major clubs in new york that would be amazing too you know when i was 36 it was 1999 i was a fucking i was living with ralphi i would live with gavin I would live wherever. Whoever was out of town, that's whose bed I slept. And there was always somebody out of town. You know what I'm saying?

Right. And I was just, in those days, it was so crazy, nothing was important to me. Like, by 99, I was gone. Gone, like, not on drugs. Gone, comedy-wise. Like, I was overstimulated. Like, I didn't have an apartment.

It was like being homeless and being a comic. So if I wasn't home at night sleeping on Josh's couch or something to do with that, I was somewhere writing with somebody. I was at the front of the store with your t-shirt off, stealing sodas from the store. You know, I mean, you improvise. But what I'm trying to say, it was like going to a six-week training camp for me in those days. But it all ended with cocaine or somebody's couch, not having money, waking up in the morning, There was to be a gas station on sunset.

You would have loved this place. Since I'm a professional, it was a gas station on sunset across from where the old Denny's was, where they put that restaurant that was kind of Jewish. They were from Israel and they had the bread. Oh, yeah, the Israeli food, the Mediterranean food, yeah, right after the guitar center. That used to be a fucking Denny's. That was the worst Denny's in America.

That was rock and roll Denny's. Everything on that block is called rock and roll. Yeah. The rock and roll supermarket, they're rock and roll because dog, it's a party. Friday night, that supermarket before 3 o'clock, you walk in there, you don't know who you're going to see. When I first moved in, I saw the kid with the bandana who's bald, you know, moving in the thing, poison. I saw him one night in there, like a quarter of three. Whatever time they closed the bar at 2 o'clock, rock and roll ralph sells booze by the gallon dog.

and all you have to do is sit out there 20 to 2 just to see the motherfuckers that came in last minute. So that extended over to rock and roll Denny's. I remember one that. I'm in Rock and Roll Denny's George. I got no fucking dough. I got $12, $13.

You know, I don't have to lie to nobody. It's 19. Now it's like 2001. And I got, this is the last $20 I got before I go to Kennedy Airport and come into New York City to audition. for analyze that on my birthday and I go to Denny's that night I'm fucking starving there ain't

a soul in there maybe like a waitress or something it's about one in the morning and I'm eating I'll never forget two eggs with that fucking ham and toast and they give you those artificial potatoes chopped up I don't know what they call them and they get like the iced tea I'm sitting in my business and dog something slides in to me. And I'm eating and I'm like, what? And it's a fucking white girl pretty, but all cracked up. This can only happen to me in

Hollywood. All cracked up. Bruises on their thighs and she's picking up her dress to show me a pussy and I won't bite. I refuse to bite. She's like, look at this. Look what I have between my legs. I'll give you a good deal. Do you have a car? Oh, shit. Oh, yeah. And the waitress is watching me and I'm looking at her going, what do

I do here? Somebody help me. Somebody fucking help. me. I'll never forget this. She's rubbing my shoulders. And I'm not lying to nobody here at a different time. If I had a package in my pocket, that chick was good to go. You know what I'm saying? I'm not going to lie to nobody. She wasn't bad looking.

She was having a rough night, you know. And I'll never forget, like, I ate the eggs, I dipped the fucking bread. I ate the two yolks. I looked at, I go, you know what? You're right. You look hungry. And I left of the ham. I got up and fucking tipped. Tipped the fuck out of that, dog. It was over. Oh, shit. That's rock and row rouse.

That's rock and roll denies. Then they shut it down. But anyway, we're getting to rock and roll because there was a rock and roll gas station across the street. Oh, shit. And he ran it by himself. And I would wake up, George, and just go in my pocket and pray. In those days, I would just go on my pocket and wake up in the morning

and see, let's see what's in there. Some mornings, some days it was a dollar and coins. It was a really hard time. But I was at the store every night, and that's all that mattered to me. I was at the store every night, following Paul Mooney, going 50 for 50. I didn't know what was going to happen after I followed Paul Mooney. And then I would make my living going to Felipe Spars' rooms,

Willie Barcena's rooms. When we bumped into those dudes on the street, we were eating tacos the first night. Alfred Robles? Alfred Robles came by us. I gave him a big hug, and we started eating a taco offer, and I go, and Alfred goes, Joey Diaz, because I said congratulations, Alfred.

I love Alfred. all my heart. And he goes, Joey, I just want you to know that all this started at the fucking whatever lounge. And he just, because we used to have a Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday. And I picked up $40 a night. That's $120. That's a, that's, that's, I got a half gram every night and I got gasoline, you know what I'm saying? I can't, I still can't believe you budgeted for cocaine. It just, you had to, you got to show up with a 20 to the store just to get the party started. Maybe you mingle with the wrong person. They go, you know what? I got a $100 bill.

Go get five packages, and now we'll take this to the next level. Oh, my God. Oh, yeah. But anyways, you were saying... But I would make a living from those Felipe rooms. Then on the weekend, somebody would take me on the road. Well, I was pretty aggressive, them.

I would always go on the road. But my whole life was surrounded around those spots at night. Sitting back there, watching whoever came in. In those days, the store wasn't the store either. It wasn't nothing. It was Paul Mooney who came in. Then Dice started coming in. Everybody else was roguing people that nobody knew.

Nobody knew these people. This is before news radio. No, this is news radio before Fear Factor. It was a fucking nightmare there. A Tuesday was eight people. Tuesdays was eight people. Wednesday was 30. Thursdays was maybe 60.

It was a great night. Then the weekends were sold out. It wasn't now. It was nothing like the way it is today. but when you say make it, I just want you to understand what you're saying. Because a lot of people say make it, and they don't,

they don't classify it. Right, no. Like for me, making it was being funny and not being an asshole. I didn't need a fucking ship. I don't need a butler. I don't need an assistant.

I don't need none of that shit. I just wanted to be a regular fucking dude that nobody would bother. but the ability to wake up in the morning and fucking tell you, I want two eggs, and I don't have to go in there with my change and shit in the morning.

Right. That's success to me. Like a fucking dude like me, I don't give a fuck. Me going to No Boo with 20 people and jumping up and down and, you know, being Johnny Banana, that's never been a big deal for you.

That's the last thing I want to fucking do in the world. Which I like to go to Nobu and get some nice sushi. You drop a couple 500, whatever. You know, at least you know. When I go into an old boo, I'm just getting 20s from the ATM. You walk in, every fucking Japanese guy gets a, blah, bah, bah, bah. They'll call me, what's that sushi, sushi dynamite? I'm kidding dynamite.

Ba! If you're going to go into a fucking sushi spot, that's the only way to do it. Go to the ATM, take 20s and start. That hot black girl at the sushi place, because they always got a hot black girl at the counter. Yeah? Always with a nice black dress and nice black shoes on. that looks like Whitney Houston and fucking my other girl put together

and you're like, God, here's a 40. Every other Japanese gets a strict 20, you know what I'm saying? You're looking that good, you bad motherfucker. What does that get you? That'll get you like the table right away. That's Johnny bananas. No, that's what everybody wants to be. Nobody wants to walk in a club with a fucking frown

and rat bunny rabbit he is. Put me in the corner table so I could smell everybody's asshole as they walk by. You know what I'm saying? everybody, all of us in this room at one time said, Buck, we can't wait to walk into a club in New York City and go,

here's 10,000. Everybody sucked my dick. Oh, yeah. Whiskey for everybody. Isn't that a dream for anybody? Was it just me? To walk in the club, I don't give a fuck if Trump is sitting there,

walk in and go, suck my dick! And put 100 grand down. Drinks for everybody and just walk out. Dude, mine was similar, but mine was casino. I want to be able to go in with, like, 10 grand and just said, I saw one guy do that at the stratosphere.

He brought 10 grand to the blackjack table and they had to count it out and give him 10 grand chips and he made everyone wait. He could have gone to the cashier, but he made the whole tape. And I was just like, he had 10,000 to put a thousand on each hand like that. Like that, like that's what I want. Fuck that. We're gangsters. I would love that.

We get the 10 and go drop it. You know what I'm saying? We're going with 10. We're up. Call them. Call the dude in the power. Call the Chinese doing the tower. Oh, yeah, Chino, minute.

Bha, got your food real. To say the signature or nothing, you don't have to, you'll never see me again. Right or wrong? That's the whole thing of doing this whole thing, but after a while you have to really normal, I was watching that stupid show last night. And the one with John Hamm,

he becomes a thief. On Apple TV, I haven't seen it yet. He becomes a thief. You know, just going like I did, going to somebody's house to take a watch. But he's doing the old trick. They got 20 watch. Watchers, just take a lot.

They won't even know. But it's interesting because, fuck, I forgot. Those edibles are hitting me. It's interesting. What are we talking about? I got to be honest. I don't remember. I remember it up until a second ago.

George, Nick, nothing. Fucking guy, George, you're supposed to be the editor. The editor in charge of the editor. You know, so fucked up. Nobody knows not. No one can remember. No. I told George, I was giving them from dining my wheat tonight.

I saw him take two hits and go right from pastrami sandwich. I knew it was all over to shout. And the condition of one hand, he was over there eating matzo ball soup. The whole fucking thing. Oh, giving people tips, going to the ball, to the club, to the casino we were talking about. Being a big shot. Being a big shot. Oh, yeah, yeah, they go to, I'm not going to tell you the story, but last night they go to somebody's house.

And the guy was on the championship NBA team. Okay. You know what I'm saying? The guy was retired now from the NBA. But he's one of those guys that has a beautiful. beautiful house, gym in the garage, you know, a basketball court, but outside it's just fucking trophies and pictures of him with Michael Jordan, you know, and they have a championship ring, but at one point, let me show everybody my toilet, it's a toilet from Japan that's worth

a half a million dollars, it washes your ass, it steam cleans it, it deodorizes your nutsack, and all these people are like, ooh, and at one point he goes, wait a second, Anybody who could score on me, I'll give $10,000. Then he's out there blocking a little white guy's shot. He's 6'7. Everybody's like Lee. Lee's throwing a hook by, you know. Yeah, everybody's like Lee.

Everybody's like a little tennis dude, and this guy's 6'8, blocked me. Then when he blocked it, he'd take and slam dunker. Come on. They high, so compa, they had mono. So fucking, you know, you look at those type of guys. And at one point when you're watching an 18, you're like a, And you're a basketball player, you go,

I wish that's my house when I'm fucking 40. And as you get old, you're like, I don't want nobody in my fucking house. No. You know what I'm saying? I don't want anybody in my house looking at my fucking trophies and me being an asshole. That's the, I don't know.

I don't like a picture of me in the house. I don't like none of that shit. I saved one of Troy Conrad's pictures of me because it's really dark and it's just my fucking head. And I like that shit. But you're not going to walk in my house. And there's pictures of me with celebrities. me with Johnny bananas.

I don't want that shit. Your movie posters on the wall. I've been to Hollywood houses, and there was a couple that, like, you'd go, and, like, every movie they had anything to do with, like, they had the poster up in, like, their kitchen. It was very... George Framed Spider-Man 2 for me,

and I got the longest yard I got from Adam. I have no idea with the longest yarders. Yeah, but you had it in your office where it makes sense. You're not going there and, like, doing... giving everyone a tour and showing them all the things, all the memorabilia that you have. You, like, that was never the house that you, and your office, it makes sense,

or like a couple around the house. But I'm agreeing with you. I know, it was really weird. I think once I got locked up that, because when I got locked up, but I always knew this going in, when I got locked up, I met a lot of people

who thought they were fucking Johnny Gumbat. Everybody in there was Johnny Bananas. Everybody will tell you they were part of a motorcycle gang, They were the mafia. They did work with the Chinese. But these guys are just fucking heroin dopes. They were just dopey people who were doing meth and, you know, they couldn't get off the fuck. They were in jail 20 years and they still were fucking doing speed, you know, and he was in there for murder or something like that.

You know, these guys, you know, it's, it's, what was he talking about? The people you might never met people. Yeah, so when I saw that, but I remember being a kid and telling you guys, I grew up with, I had a great guy in my life. life when I was a kid. Every summer, my mom would put me on a plane in Miami. It was like Disneyland for us. He knew the background I grew up in, so he would treat me different than his kids. It was like our little secret, and we would do things at night, and one day he pulled me for a ride, and he goes, listen, I'm going to go to eight years, you know, and I got shut down. This guy had everything. He had fucking everything, a house, a boat, two Doberman

pinchers, a beautiful swimming pool, construction. company and something came back to haunt them from 1959 in California and they put them in federal penitentiary in Atlanta and I always saw that and then as you grow older you see all these Italian dudes that get a life sentence with their 60 what was that whole life about so for 30 years you were at Sparksteakhouse yeah now you're 60 when you can't go nowhere and you're fucking you're

you're in there until you're 80. That's the payoff for me is not worth it. No. The ending was never worth it. The ending to end to that way and your family goes from having a house to living in a two-bedroom apartment that can't make rent. I never understood that. What about like the pressure of like living for 30 years on the run?

Like always thinking the cops are coming? Like that's crazy too. The whole life is wasted. That's a different angle of it. My main thing. was shit like that made you go. And then you see these people that, listen, man, there's people who are very generous.

Okay? And I love that shit. I love being generous. But before I'm going to walk into a bar and be generous, I'm going to be generous to people around me. Well, I watch struggle every day. You follow what I'm saying to you? Right.

Anybody could give to the blind kids and have a festival, people come to their house. It's a, what do they call them, George? It's a fundraiser. You know, and now you, Joey, were you in Spider-Man, too? Yes. Many moons ago when I was a young

actor, you know, what the fuck are you doing, Joey? You know what I'm saying? Like, you want to give a fundraise? Go see a black guy on a bicycle. Come here. Here's 500. Go get a fucking, put a down payment on a fucking car.

And next time I see you, tell me what you want one month. And every time you come by here in the first, I'll give you money. And I'll give you my wife's number, whatever you need. That's what you do. Instead of fucking being a,

well, look at me in Austin, the President. I'm like, here, here. Let's hear it for, Lee Syatt for being such a we're giving you a ribbon that you paid for and there's your fucking there's your cunt wife you know me too I'm part of your organization

cost you 25 grand they even talk to these morons so they could come over and act foolfishing your house at the end of the day when you're 65 and you're laying on a bed do you think that's what you're fucking to be worried about is that what you fucking really think you know I hope I'm not

so before I get involved listen why fucking why be a fucking fakers shit if you're gonna that whole lifestyle once and then I went to Hollywood then I moved to California and I saw the most specific day I'll never forget was that a not a reshoot this is when I fucking realized I was on to something I'm not gonna lie to you guys I had a reshoot not a reshoot like a table read they added when we came back from longest yard spider man two came back from being doing a longest sharp in Albuquerque, we had a week hiatus.

Everybody could do whatever they want. And we got a call one day or an email that they were changed. We weren't going back to work that Friday, that Monday. We were going to push it until Thursday, but we had to go back until on a Thursday to go over these new things they had written that we did not even dream about when we left Albuquerque. So I'll never forget. They say, be there like a wand at whatever building.

They'll give you a pass at the gate. You just pull right up. and it was, we had already fucking done the Albuquerque scenes. I had already let them know who Uncle Joey was. Like they were on the program now. They were on.

I'm just a fucking idiot from North Bergen. I didn't say shit for the first two weeks. I did what they told me. And then I started taking chances and they were like, what the fuck is this guy talking about? And then when my ball sack fell out in front of Adam Sandler,

and I had my leg out the whole afternoon. And finally, everybody didn't want to come say it to me. Wait a second. Nobody wanted to come say it to me that my nutsack was sticking out. So I'm sitting there. And you weren't even filming. You were just on the... No, we were filming.

And I didn't know. I had like some type of shorts on. We were just filming from top type, which whatever. And it was like 3.30 in the afternoon. And everybody's sitting around. And I don't have nothing to sit. They don't even give me a chair. You know, you get that chair with Joey Diaz at the time.

There was no Joey Diaz. because they didn't think Joey D. is going to make it. But on this particular, they had to sit on a helmet. With your balls out? Huh? And when I sat, think of me sitting with shorts,

400 pounds at that point, on a helmet. Look at the position I got to be in, okay? And, you know, the underwear could just hold so much. And the right nut came out and I didn't feel it. To my daughter's, to mercy.

I did not feel it. I just hung out there like this, for like an hour sitting there. An hour? And then I got the story from Adam Sandler. Adam Sandler came over and sat next next. How are you doing, big guy? I'm like, good.

How are you? And he's like, listen. He's like, if I was you, I put that speed bag away. And I'm like, speedbag. And he goes, that thing hanging from between your legs. He goes, it's been sitting there for an hour. Nobody's had the nuts to come up here and say it to you.

Nobody would say nothing to me. They were doing like a little thing. Who's going to tell him? Nobody. They were like, leave it out. No, I'm not even fucking talking to that kid. He's a lunatic. Oh, my God.

Right that and there. I was, Adam was like, man, he rubbed my stomach. You remind me of my father. My father had a stomach like that. Oh. That was it, though. So we pull up, we're pulling up to Sony and fucking, it was like a Thursday. And it was like, I think Tray's,

Tracy Morgan was gone. No, no. I don't know if Tracy was there, but it was like, it was like Adam, Chris, wasn't Adam. It was like Chris Rogg, like eight people from the movie. And I pulled,

and everybody had a Jeep, a fucking Porsche, a fucking this or that, and I pulled up with a neon with no windshield wipers, you know what I'm saying? You know, like when you do that so many times, the windshield wipers fly off,

and you're like, I'll get them when I get them, you know what I get them. If it's, what do I got money for windshield wipers? Go cocaine. Boom! Fug the windmill wipers. We'll rub this fucking metal against the glass.

It's fucking crazy. Like, I used to get into like things with Lee. When I first met Lee, Lee had a big stick up his ass. And we'd talk about things. And Lee thought I was putting them on. Like, I came from this fucking struggle type of stand-up. Like, when I first went out,

I had to borrow money to get a Nissan. This piece of shit Nissan that was, the body was great. And it had like 99,000 miles. Listen, if you knew anything about a Dotson, it was a Dotson B-2-10. If you knew anything about a Dotson, those motherfuckers don't blow a spark plug until they go up to like 300,000 miles.

It was just a four-cyl engine that had some kick. Those things are still around. You had to throw a fucking Nakasaki bomb at those things to knock them off the fucking Route 3. I had one of those things, I put a stick in the back, and I would hang my shirts back there, in the back halfway,

and then the other half was a pillow. In case you got to pull over, Jack, and you have that thing protecting your eyes. So you have like a Puerto Rican shade. You have the shirts, and the back was everything. First aid, a tire, a basketball, a Frisbee,

so you can never be bored. This is when you're fucking broke. You know, so the point, I'm trying to make it, it was like I always say. Nobody shows up on an open mic and a mazoradi. Right. Nobody's first time on stage

is on a fucking mazorati. What are we talking about? You're talking about fucking with me when we first met because I had to stick up my ass. You know, and I would tell Lee about how, I still remember that fucking dot, my dog. I remember coming back from my first road gig, Michigan.

Like, this is your first road gig. Never mind where Rogan. No, at that time I wasn't even running Rogan. I even know Rogan. This is 95. I'm already going to Baltimore, but the first place I went was Michigan, Detroit, the Arabian town, not Detroit.

Grand Rapids? No, no, no, no. That's a Christian town with all the fucking churches. This is right in town. Well, I'll think about it. And I was coming back, and I was like, dog, I'm on my way. I don't care that I have $30 left. I don't care that I'm living in my car.

I don't care that I own a attorney $60,000. You know, I'm going to go home and see my daughter and fucking this is what I am. I'm a comedian. Awesome, bah. The fucking right, the left side of the car got a flat. I'm like, God damn it. I get out there, I put the spare tire on that motherfucker.

I go on, you know, everything, you know, the bicycle tire. Everybody says, it's a, what do they call it? A 50-mile tire. Oh, the donut. I drove that donut back to Colorado and back to Michigan on that fucking donut. Oh, my, no. Listen, I didn't get a new tire until somebody put 50-year-old. $50 in my hand, whatever.

In those days, it was like $2.50 for a tire. You think I'm fucking kidding you, man. I rode that tire. I had that fuck, and I delivered fucking Chinese food with that bum tie on. Are you fucking nuts? The reason why I'm speechless is last year I got a fucking flat in New Jersey. I know you got a flat in New Jersey. And had to put the donut on.

And the guy told me, listen, whatever you do, don't drive over 50 miles an hour. Get the fuck. I was doing $90. I was cutting people off. a hook with the fucking dust. You learn that all... You know, at one time, George, what are you thinking?

You guys think I had shampoo on the road? I had to use that bar soap time. Get you dry. You become like... Irish brain. You get all fucking dry skin. Oh, my God. Fucking, you pull your pants off, dust falls off.

From your fucking legs all the way down. You don't know what that's like. You're broke. You're on the road. People are telling you, listen, don't put soap in your eyes. I got no vizene. I got the fucking washcloth.

I'm taking all of my luke smoke. Oh, my God. Did you guys smell your clothes after fucking Texas? Oh, my. They smelled like barbecue, which is nice. No, they don't, listen. Oh, the sweat? You'll smell like rotten asshole and fucking cigarettes and booze, okay?

Because when I opened that suitcase up, something flew out at me. Really? And I had like eight pounds of weed in that motherfucker. I think it might have been that. Shit, no. I haven't, no. It was fucking, I told my wife, please. Let's draw it in right now.

I didn't even go upstate. with that clothes. Wow. Because I think I was packing it when I came back Saturday night, I went in by the thing and I'm like, ooh, Lord. I had two jackets that smelled like, fucking Marlboro Reds, George. People still smoking there. They don't give a fuck. Yeah, that was crazy. That was crazy. They smoke everything in there. After 11 o'clock, it's over, but the shot. They put the curtains down. People are like, come on, we want to take a picture of Joe Rogan. You're in no We came all the way. Oh my God.

Dude, there were people from everywhere there. Yes, there were. Yes, there were. The festival was night. Listen, I was very happy. That I got to go down there. I'm very proud. I thought I was going to eat a bag of dicks.

Not at all. But then I forgot I was in Texas. That's a good state to develop. I developed in Texas. When you do the math, I'll tell you, I was always in Texas. Texas, El Paso. I got to give props where props are

taken, you know what I'm saying? What do you got this week, Cucksuck? I'm not ending the podcast. I just want to talk to you about a few things. Okay. On Friday, the 25th, I'm in Westfield, Mass. I had a bright idea brewing. And then on Sunday I'm at Greenwich Village Comedy Club at 9.30.

Look at you. Making moose. Trying. And then I'm at dispensary on Wednesday somewhere. You know, when I was in Austin. I got there, we got there Wednesday, and I went to eat, I didn't really think about it. I made the video, and then all of a sudden,

within minutes, my phone started popping, right? Like, people, dog, you in town? The guy I forgot, I forgot, I forgot to hit back AJ. When I landed, I'm like, fuck, I was supposed, because we were going to hook up Wednesday night, but he had already eaten dinner. So, all right, so I asked Joe if I go to the, to the...

Wellnesship. No, I asked Joe if I could go to Wells to Wellness. Oh, Wills to Wellness. And he goes, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll call later. But as soon as I got out of there, the dude text me, he goes, dog, I see you're in town. Let's hook you up tomorrow.

Come on in, you know what I'm saying? So I was like, okay. And then I called him, and we made a time, and he called me back, and he goes, you can't come during this time. And I walked in there next morning. That was the best night's sleep I got. That was the best night's sleep I got, knowing that I was going in there.

That night was like five hours maybe, right? Probably. Yeah, it was like maybe. I slept like five or six hours. And it wasn't that I was drunk or anything that night? Yeah, the room was brutal. It was cold and fuck. I put that room down a 65 on the third level of the fan,

and I brought my own little portable fan. You didn't out bring a fan. Come on now. How cold do you need to be? Come on now. Come on now. And I put that blanket on top, and at one point I got off. and the bed was wet like I had pissed it 18 times.

I had to turn the pillow over, George. It was dripping. You were sweating that much? Yeah, because I put the blanket on my head since I got the hose coming out. I don't need to be out there like the rest of you guys breathing. I put that blanket on my head. I get that room colder and fuck, Jack.

But then why are you sweating so much? Listen, my room has been so cold lately. After 15 years, my cat's going under the blanket. I land in bed at night and I know. She starts a bullshit. I hug her. and I picked the blanket up and it's like a 10-minute walk. She goes in there like a Vietnam vet.

Like, there's going to be a bomb. I'm like, get the fuck in there already. Jesus Christ, I'm like just like 10 minutes. But I went to Wells. I walked in there, the guy's name is Brigham. And they had moved locations from the first time that I went. The first time I went, I got a shot in my knee, and I was fucking petrified. And it went by like this.

Nothing. I'm like, wow, really? Then I went down, a second time they go, come on back. I did it again, boom, no pain. I didn't faint. In fact, I even took the earphones off because I usually go in those places with earphones, so I don't hear the needles ripping when they take it.

That's how much of a pussy I was. I was in the hospital three weeks this year. You got to see me now with needles. I'm like, you take the arms. Bye, nothing no more. I even put something. Yeah, they had to put a thing in my arm the day, and they had, no, they had to put,

to do this thing, they put like this catheter in and they shoot you with the fucking... The first thing I did was a stem cell IV. No, I did a stem cell. I was scared of the bag that drips. So I did a stem cell blood, something.

It goes into your blood. That was the first two times I went. And then this time I walked in, I told them what I was in the hospital for. They had a fucking AI computer that you talk like they told me what went on with me when I was in the hospital then they go let's ask this guy and they asked him and he gave like a fucking it was unbelievable guys where the future's going and then so you did and didn't you do a

breathing thing too so then number two I did a a lung I've been doing those I'm supposed to do like three a week I just ran out of the prescription it's a steam you put on with a hose and you put the chemical on the bottom, then you put it in your mouth. It's like a pipe, and you breathe in and out of there. Like a nebulizer, I think? A nebulizer, so they gave me a, whatever, stem cell nebulizer for my lungs.

Yeah, we didn't fuck around. Then they shot me with a needle, and they put whatever into my blood, and then we did the liquid IV, the IV, liquid IV, the IV, and then from there they put me in the red light therapy bed, and then from there I went into a, Hyper chamber. And they put an oxygen mask on you

and oxygen goes on you to wake everything to fuck up. And I was in there for like, and I had a pee. But then from not having to pee, I had so much oxygen in the red blood. My dick got harder and fuck. And they opened up that little kink moon

and I couldn't even pick up my leg. It was like one of those eighth grade hardons. That motherfucker's hard. You wake your mother up. Take a look at this. I don't know what's going on. I think the guy was really happy about you talking about it. And then now he's got a hard on in his type of barrack chamber.

It's not like I took it out and banged it out. I just, for some reason, you know, the blood went to that area. I was looking out into the wilderness. I don't know what fantasy crossed my mind. You know, sometimes when you look at trees, shit happens, you know, especially if you're on the spectrum like me. Things happen. You're out there just staring and also, you know,

I remember the time when there's no time. Oh, my God. But that's an interesting question you had for me tonight, Lee, because I don't know. And I have people who actually come up to me in my neighborhood and say shit to me how I should act. Nobody said something to me the last two years, but I had two neighbors, like in one year that go,

you know, I was doing something, and I saw you here on TV. I never knew. And they're like, why don't you act a certain way? And I'm like, well, how would you like for me to act? Right. Have a limo in front of my house with some, come on, man. There's people who do it.

No, but you know what? It's like, you have to remember at one point. Like, anytime I try to be a big shot, I remember being in fucking prison. And there were people who used to go, you know what, I ain't eating the food. And there was this big white guard who would go, shit, I wonder what you were eating

under that fucking bridge was something to that effect. Right. And it made sense. Right. Like, when you were under that bridge, what the fuck were you eating? And listen, he wasn't under a bridge.

He's just saying, we've all been under a bridge where you're like, one morning you get up and there ain't no fucking oatmeal. So you just got to drink the water, the milk straight, or, you know, cereal with fucking water. You're in prison, you better fucking eat that shit. Yeah. That's a one-shot deal.

There's no bodegg up the corner. That's like a nightmare. Yeah, there's nothing like that. So it's just, when you look at things and you're looking for what they are, I just, I don't know. I'm too old. Is there something like that like no matter how much money you had that you still wouldn't spend

money on? Like for me like I don't think I would ever do like a $200,000 car. Even if I had no. Only thing I wish I could fucking do. I'm not going to lie to nobody. At times I think of fucking doing something because this is the only thing I wish I could do. I wish I could rent a private plane. For like your gigs?

Every week to go somewhere with you guys. just on a whim. Right now, Doug, I'm 62 years old. You ask me what I want to do? Yeah. We're too old for a week in a place. Ain't nobody going to make a week in fucking Puerto Rico, none of us. But two days up in Vermont, that would be fucking great to have like a private,

I'm not saying spend $17 million on a private plane. But be able to charge it. You're saying to invest the money in a package. Like, you have five flights for $8,000 of flight, $4,000. of flight, $40,000, you can make three payments or something like that. I would fucking love to do something like that. I wouldn't.

I don't want to go to California. Where would you want to go? I'd like to do another Florida run. Somewhere I want to go again and do a show. Let's get it out of the way. I'm going to fucking Red Rocks, October, so I'd love to go to Boulder. I take George to Boulder with me as my personal body guy. George will do his own video.

spots in Boulder with Joey robbed. It's a long video. That'll be a few points. That'll go right to con. Con. Tell him, George. Yeah, no, don't worry about those. We'll take care of those with the governor.

If they arrest you, we'll be cool. Don't worry. We'll get you an attorney within minutes. Holy shit. That's awesome. You're doing Red Rocks. I'm doing Red Rocks with Bert. But why not end the nice show at Theater and Boulder?

why not why fucking not right you know do another fucking Santa Fe run Santa Fe run Santa Fe new Mexico guys for three days rent the car and go up and get green chilies from all those little ski resorts just do a green chili run maybe one more Denver run I don't want to fly into that fucking airport in Denver but on the other hand I don't want it up on a Lomba either who's a Obama you know the guy who died in a plane crash you're in a fucking mountain you're fuck who's L'la Bama We got to do a history. Oh, Jesus.

You don't know that song? Isn't that La Bamba? No. I didn't know he died in a plane crash. La, ba, la, la, la, ba. You don't like that song? I love that. Don, la, la, da.

Doug, we used to have a teacher, Mr. Taranova. And I'll never forget that. In those days, in North Bergen High School, there was an A cafeteria and a B cafeteria. and the B cafeteria, I could be saying them wrong, but the A cafeteria was just for Spanish people. And the B cafeteria. Was this on like the sign or this was just known?

It's not like you went to school in prison. This is not. Didn't you say that you're like recess or Jim was like shoveling the snow too? No, no, no, no. That was at McKinley, you shoveled snow. Okay. But once you got to North Bergen High School in 1978, it was lunchroom A and B. Lunchroom A was just for Spanish people.

And lunchroom B was for everybody else. White kids, a few Indians. No, at that time, if you were Indian, they put you over there with me. I just thought you were brown. Yeah, so here's what gets complicated. Every day, teachers would have to switch posts at different lunches. Okay? So every day, there was a new teacher, two teachers on each door.

cafeteria A and there'd be two teachers on and sometimes it would be this lesbian teacher that I was tight with that one day I showed them my balls I she was teachers of nastics and she had those things like this and I had a hole in my sweats and I picked up those legs and name was Ms. Bernhardt she's still alive I think oh god yeah and I'm like miss burnar and my balls were spring and she never took me to the principal's office but there was a teacher that I idolized growing up. In fact, I got to reach out to this dude. His name was Mr. Teranova.

And in those days, Mr. Teranova would have a suit on, tight as a motherfucker by room A. And as I walk by, he'd go, go, go, come here. And I'd walk up to like this close to him, Nick. And he'd be right here in Austin when three Spanish people would walk, and he'd go, hold on one second. And he'd go back to me.

Oh, my God. And his kids would go like, what the way? Oh my fucking God. But he did it perfectly. And his face draw, you just be talking to you and Austin, he goes, hold on. End the tweet.

And one day we were sitting again talking there, and there was like a little misunderstanding. And some guy stepped on Mr. Taranova's shoes. Oh, no. A Cuban kid stepped on his shoes. talking to Mr. T. And also, T's talking to me and Austin, the kids, you know, people step on your shoe, but they keep going.

And all of a sudden he's like, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, time out. He goes, get your hoop-to-doop-de-do-ro-a-rangle shoes off my. The kid just cracked. When he said, hooped, hooped-to-do your rang-gay. The kid just fractured. The kid thought he was going to Studio 54. He had those pointy fucking shoes. Oh, my God.

get those hoop doop de lute mirengay shoes off my feet Jesus everything the more you describe it the more I'm like this sounds like fucking prison that's crazy there was no prison that's a fucking you said they had to change posts no the teachers every day your guards had to make no no no they would just stand

out of the corners to make sure like a 50 year old didn't come and eat lunch with a 12 year old you know That's why they were there To make sure some fucking 50thiest on this Strolling with a Beatles lunchbox And sit next to a bunch of 12 years Hey, have you ever heard

A fucking... Here comes the sun. Yeah. So where you're at? You had some fucking country club again on time? No, I'm in a brewery on Friday. Oh, here goes another brewery. Yeah, and then I'm at Greenwich Village comedy club on Sunday.

Okay. You're fucking doing greatly. That was... You did two great fucking sets. Thank you. You handled yourself a, front, you know, listen, man, you never want to see your kids suffer. In life, you never want to see your kids suffer. And I love Lee. I don't want to hear nothing bad about Lee. But I'm

really proud on how much better you're getting up front. And you were not going to get that one past me, Lee. Until I see you. Oh, doing up front. Yeah. No, you have to go up first. Yeah, no mind. I want you to figure out in your mind how you're going to be the life of the party you're going up first. This is the Joey Dia show. I'm not taking that away from him. Your attitude is this.

I'm opening up for Dave Chappelle. And this is the Dave Chappelle show. I'm not taking that away from him, but I am the quarterback. I'm the first face they fucking see. So my tempo sets the tempo for the rest of the night. If you drop back to five

and throw it to five-yard line, and get the guy to step out of bounds, that's your tempo. But we've got to speed this motherfucker up. You got to let them know about that Jewish explosion. My dick is ready to go. I just had locks in a fucking bagel. And I got fucking diarrhea. I'm ready to stab a motherfucker.

You know, and that's your mindset. Like, have to like, yeah, we fuck around, we giggle, but, you know, that's it. Now you become a Jew. Boom. You know what I'm saying? Like, that's it. You know, that focus? Like, when you see a Jewish surgeon, he's going in for the big kill.

Right. But before you're dying, he's like, let's live. Listen, if you live, I need an extra 15 points. Cut it, cut it out. And he's like, fucking, because this juice precision. Right. And I want you to become the best at that. For right now, I don't want you to worry about headlining or featuring.

Trust me. I know somebody else who focused on that. And that became something later on. But how to get that stage at a cold opening and just go. You're not asking questions. You're not there to learn. They're there to learn from you as a comic. Right.

Who the fuck are you today? Who drinks tequila? Ha ha ha ha ha ha. I want that shit like I want a finger up my ass. You know what I'm saying? I never want that. I want them to come at me. What's that?

The heater turned out. Oh. This fucking guy. I told he heard the exorcist or something. You know, I want to go out there and control. That's you. You're the quarterback. Right.

And that's a lot of people. I am saved last week. It's okay. You're going to move up. No, you're not. You're going to be an MC. Look how you said MC. You're going to be an emcee the rest of your fucking life. Look at your attitude.

When you're an MC, you're that first guy that runs when you're in a Super Bowl. They don't have the fucking some moot run out. They have the fucking fastest guy in the team run out first. He blows the thing. Smoke comes out. White bitch is faint. His dick pops out of his shorts and he's on the 50-yard line like he was getting chased by three cops. That's the way it is.

If you go out there Hi, my name is Lee, I'm Jewish. Boom. Right. Now you got to dig your, they just drew more dirt on you. Forget about what fucking Hitler did. They just threw more dirt on you. Than top of what you did?

Yeah, and you did it to yourself. You went out there, a whole hum. And I saw you doing that, and you were struggling for a while in New York. And I fucking, it hurt me. Right. Because it wasn't doing nothing for your ego. But I knew in the long run. I knew that now you look at it as this sucks.

I don't know what I'm going to do. I have to be the second guy up. No, you're going to learn how to master being the first guy up. And master it with the back of your mind. That Joey D. is just got hit by a car. He ain't even showing up tonight. That motherfucker.

That one you put that in your mind and you have to figure out like, you know, because one day, one day, and it might be fucking soon. Somebody might come up to you. You might be going up first. I'm going to have to give you a sign. side and going fucking Ari didn't show up, do an extra 15 minutes, but you already went out there

with 15 minutes. That's horrible. That's horrible. Right. But that's another curveball I'll throw at you. I'm sure you. And when you look to the side, instead of, you might be up there for 28, and I'll tell you've been doing 10.

You got 18 more. Oh, no. Bro, your inside's break. When you think you're killing at 18 and you're like, I got 12 more minutes to fight it. And so you look aside, you're like, p, p, p, keep going. And you're like, keep going. After 12 minutes, I'm done.

I've done everything. My mother's joke. The one I wrote in the third grade. The one I got from my nephew's cup. Remember when we were kids? They had those little fucking cups, you know. Yeah. What animal, don't you play cards with a cheetah?

That's it. All right, let's wrap this motherfucker out. Well, I appreciate it, buddy. It was a great. I'm had and I pre I honestly really appreciate not even honest I love doing the shows but like the like you gave me that advice to not ask questions like at the airport like six I was like barely asleep awake and it's like all I've been thinking about so I appreciate it you did good and you know that was lead that's a thousand people 1800 yeah that's not I didn't expect you to go out there and fucking do what you did so I'm very proud of you I'm happy that you're working hard you know you know you're working hard you know You came back, got off the plane. I went home and melted. I couldn't even get up Sunday.

That's how old I am. This kid went out, went, did the Dojo County with Steve Simone, and then went into the midnight show. There were two people there by the time he got there. That's heartbreak. You know. That's the proof that you're a real comic right there. You waited all day for the midnight set.

You get there. There's eight people to boot. And the first people, the first four should have been shot and hung a long time ago. Now it's down to one person. up there going like, you know, should I shoot myself now? Or yeah. Hala la la la la, but the dog. And this is the last thing I'll say.

The dojo was great with Steve. It was, I was a, uh, and that was like just that was a great comedy. Right? Yeah, Steve's still here. And what's he doing? He sat at home like a fucking genetic. No, he's eating pizza all over the place. He's at like, he's gone to like every amazing pizza place so far.

And he killed at the dojo. So, but it was. I would have brought him here tonight. I didn't know he was still in town. Oh, okay. He should have brought him here with you. Well, you think I don't want to see him. He could have that.

I think he's doing something at night. Who gives a fuck? He could have him yet sick. He's a Catholic. He's like, Jesus. They could change his mind like this. All right, I love you, cock suckers. The only thing I got coming up is May 8th.

Yeah, 17th. You're right. 17th at Parks Casino. Is it sold on already? Oh, we just got August tickets. Nice. In August or? May, don't buy any tickets.

They're too high. If they're over $40, come in August. You know what I'm saying? Bring your in-laws. They'll want to see some shows. Stay black. We love you. We'll be back next week.

All right. Thank you.