The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - Dying of Laughter with Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt

Episode Date: July 1, 2025

Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt talk about Joey being so broke that he would wait for the mailman to see if he had any checks, becoming a super savage in life and business, why he is the kind of dad everyone wants and much more! Support the show and get your first month of Blue Chew for free. Just pay $5 shipping. Press in promo code JOEY at https://www.bluechew.com Produced by: Andrew Houston & Joe Russo @andyfromontario @joerussomarketing on Instagram

Yo, what's happening, you beautiful savages? Uncle Joey here with my main man, Lee Syatt, for another episode of the Church New Testament. It's July the 1st. The rent is due. Wash your muffler, and let's get out there and make it a beautiful day to be alive. Hey, what's going on?

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We're back. That's it. Don't forget blue chew. It's the summertime. If you're going to sling dick, don't forget bluechew. That's all I can tell. It is bluechew, right? Absolutely.

All right. Always blue chute. Only blue chazan. Dude, RIP the stairs. This is the last month of the stairs. That's it. That's it.

One more month? That's it. What are you going to do with the stuff up there? Burn it? I'm going to try to sell it. Who knows? Who's going to walk up those steps? I don't know.

Nobody, right? I'm going to give some stuff to my mom. I'll burn some of it. Who knows? Oh, my God. It was the fucking biggest waste of goddamn money. No, I was, no, I love living here. You know what, Lee, you said it the best.

It got you here. Yeah. It got you here. And your first apartment, nobody moves in to the Trump tower was the first time, you know. No. You're going to have rats, shit you didn't see. Because when you're excited, the ether. Right.

Like, I know that's what happened to you. You're like, I'm moving in New York. Four staffs. I can do this shit every day. Fuck you. When you told me, I was like, this motherfucker is that I was buried. He's never walking those steps And I was correct

Well, you were correct But this has been the craziest year of my life Like I don't know It's a year anniversary of me breaking up with my last girlfriend Oh here we go with a thing Oh shit What?

There we go What do? Nothing, just teaching Just torturing your shit I feel like I'm walking into a conversation That's already going on There we go What do you mean?

I don't know Here we go And it was. I moved to New York thinking like, oh, I'm going to get put. Like, that's what the apartment that I had had like an outdoor space. It was nice. I thought I was going to get pussy. And then I meet someone two weeks in.

That's what happens. And then, yeah, so it's fucking crazy. But it's great. Oh, it's amazing. You're in love. She could bake. Oh, yeah. She's pretty.

You know, she smells good. Thank you. She's got a nice apartment. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, that is my first apartment in New York. Dude, it's.

New York with money is a completely different. Like, they spend the rotating door for you at her place. That's someone's job. Anywhere with money, they take care of you. You know, can you imagine living in New York and struggling right now? Like, you know, eight people in a four-bedroom apartment, two of them are on the couch. You got one and a half bathroom. That means at all times all your bathrooms stink like shit.

Oh, my God. You have more than the, you know, your backroom's always going to smell like a fucking billy goat. Unless somebody sleeps at their girlfriends or boyfriend's house. Struggling in New York sucks. Dude, I have a friend who I met in L.A., who's a comic. He survives out here because he's a golf caddy during the day, and they give him a free place to live, like the Caddyshack house. He got home last year. His ceiling was, it was just, like, raining in his fucking room.

Like, all the pipes burst. LA? No, in New York. Like the house that they give him. I met him in when we lived in L.A. And he moved here to do comedy. And he's a caddy. He's a great comic, doing great in the city.

But he survives because he has a free place to live because he's a caddy. But everything just burst. Like, it's... In the caddy? Yeah. Okay. Well, he's been living for free for a year. At least I caught a break.

We'll go to a hotel. Live by the week. Hotel six assigned you up at 28 days. Yeah, for fucking $8 million. No, you tell him it's a weekly rate. Not in New York. Well, he can't stay in Manhattan, Lee. Right.

You know, what the fuck? What are you crazy? I don't know in New York. No, he's going to have to go up to fucking the debts of, yeah, all the way out there and get a fucking motel six. What's the other airport in Long Island? Ispin. Islip or Islip? Islip, yeah.

Welcome to Islip. That fucking guy. Listen, there's no fucking shortcuts. LA, both of those cities struggling. Sucks, dick. I still remember having the shoplip cigarettes and fucking, you know, take a soda from the gas station and shit.

Yeah. That's what you see. You have to, the checks would come out at five at the comedy store. I'd be there at 4.30. Like, just whistling and shit. Like, can't wait to get that $75 dollar check.

I'm gonna go to Wendy's and get the fuck. Yeah. I love that you knew what time the checks came out. Yeah, the checks were there after two. from two to five, and the mailman came every day at 1235. I was out there at attention at 1220 in case he got lost or somebody tried to kidnap. Oh, my God.

Did they start to, like, expect you? Oh, my God. I became, when I lived on Gardner or Schrader, I don't know, wherever Ralphie lived, that same building, the mailman knew us by first name. If I got a check, the mailman wouldn't just put it in my box. He'd knock on Ralphie's door and say, I'm saving Joey to suspense.

Wait, you were getting mail at Ralphie's house? No, because I was getting mailed there at somebody's house. Somebody in that building, I was getting my mail there. Right. For the longest time, for years I was getting my mail there. I can't remember whose boxer was. It was either Salines, Gavin's, fucking Jody's. It could have been Ralphies.

Right. So I would be there. I knew them, and he was Filipino. So I knew his schedule. That's amazing. You think I'm fucking kidding you. He would tell me when he wasn't going to be there the next week. Like, I'm going on vacation, poop, poop, poop.

I will not be here. So the other guy come late, so just do let you know. But I'd be fucking waiting there. It was always this, and people would say to me, you get the check? I don't know. But if you're not out here, you won't get dick, right or wrong. If I didn't get a check, then I had to go hustle. Then I had to go put the day together.

Well, I got $8 a million at least got a Chinese lunch. you know, I was waiting for 35 and dog, I'm going to be honest with you guys. A lot of times I wasn't getting a check and a check would come from something I didn't even expect. How good does that feel when you get a surprise check? Oh my God. I still remember being broke and I had to get a plane ticket. And I went downstairs and I guarantee Terry didn't check the mail. This one, me and Terry lived together because I was getting mail.

two places for a long time. And I'll never forget going downstairs. And we had just gotten married. We were moving to the Valley, and I needed money, and I went downstairs. Remember when the Sopranos stopped in 2007 or nine? HBO put a box set out, and in the front they put the mad TV sketch.

So they paid me for that. Nice. And I'll never forget, going downstairs, expecting a dick day and opening up my thing, and then it was like, a check for $2,400. Oh, shit. Are you fucking kidding me? Like at 9.30, no, I was clean then.

I was clean, spotless clean. But I got to, I still remember going, just going to Saline's after the comedy store when I had 10 o'clock at night. And trying to, like, no money. And Celine going, Joey, go over there. You got a check in the mail. No, you got something in the mail.

mail and I went over and there was a letter that was already open and it was the that dude that became a comedian they took all his movies away he used to have a reality show on fox and I did the first episode four I played a pizza guy yes Jamie Kennedy experiment oh shit okay I did episode four or five or some stupid shit. That must have been a while ago. I remember that show. That was 2001 or two. Jesus.

The show was a hit. Right. But they couldn't shoot the episodes fast enough. So they kept re-show and mine. Nice. And I'll never forget that. 10 o'clock at night, I'm like, man, the night's done. It looks like I'm going home.

Celine's like, go over there. There's something over there for you and it came open. I remember going in there with two checks for 650. $50 a day's pay, and I ran to the fucking check cash in place on my old house on Hollywood. Right. I basically ran up there because I thought they closed. They were open 24 hours.

I was pissed. They used to run? Yeah, because I had a cat's a Coke dealer. He closed that one, so I ran over there. But I got my checks cash. But that's great. You know, even now, like my residual checks, like when I look at, my wife doesn't deposit one anymore.

She waits until I get 10 of them. Okay. And she deposits all 10 of them at once. And I wish I could read you guys the amounts I get. You would die. Like it starts like at one penny, three pennies, $0.18, $0.22. Then it goes back to $4.21, $5.18, $320, $0.28, $0.22. So if 10 checks come, two of them will be worth cash.

There's three of them that my wife will sit there and look at it and go, why would they send you a check for this fucking amount? I was just going to have, like, the stamp makes it not even worth it. Why not just direct deposit in your account? I'm not a point in my life where I get them every fucking day. Yeah. I get them every day for a show I did 30 fucking years ago. Now they air it in Japan.

And they send me like, those are the good ones. when you get the white envelope with the red paperwork. That's when you're like, oh, shit. What's the red paperwork? The red paperwork is international and shit. Ray Poupon and shit. Do they pay you even though you're not talking? Do they dub over you?

Yeah, they dub over you, but they show you. They still pay you? Those checks are 21 cents. When I open those up, I'm like, what, bitches? You open them up 21. The other day had like, yeah, I'm not lying to you. I must have got nine checks. My wife deposited them one day last week

Because I just put them on the thing when I get them Right And then I go to sag.org You go to sag after.org And they'll tell you what's coming, the date is coming, and what's in process. So when I had nothing,

I lived on that website. Just hitting refresh all day. Every Sunday at 6 o'clock, they refreshed it. Okay, so they would start on Sunday at 6 o'clock and it would tell you when your checks were going to be there, when they were going to get mailed out.

So on those days, I already had that money spent. George, I'm coming over at one to pick up an eighth. Let's go get some Chinese at one. All right, then we'll go to, what's his name, he's got an eighth of weed, and then we'll go to Ricky Cruz, pick him up and get high. Did you happen on your calendar?

Like, check for $5? You don't put none in your calendar. It's all in the coconut. It's all there? But in those days, the checks were heavy. Right. Those checks were like 333, 682 because it was the top of the tier.

It was 20 years ago. Right. So I'd be just parked out there like a child. And when he would come, I'd be like, oh, shit. And when I went in there, if that check wasn't there for some reason, there was one check that didn't come for fucking, like, a week. I was pissed. I was on the phone with SAG every day.

And because of that until this day, I still have the number you call when you're missing a child. I never got rid of that number. Oh, my God. That number's been in his phone since 2002 because I lost the check for like 500. I had like nine checks sent to me. That's the funny thing about that. That week was my biggest payoff ever at that time.

I had like nine checks sent to me. All the checks were over 50 bucks, but the one I was waiting for was that. In my world, I got every check except the $500 one. And I had to wait 30 days to file a fucking complaint. Oh, no. And then once you file the complaint, it takes another 120 days to process. So kiss that check, goodbye.

But what a lot of people don't know, I'm going to drop it on you right now, especially if you live in Hollywood, because those motherfuckers are treacherous. Once a year, I would drive down to SAG after them. SAG. I would go to SAG first, go upstairs and say, can I please get the box of checks that got returned? Oh, my God.

Oh my God It was your checks that never got sent to you Or delivered They got sent to my fucking address But for some reason They didn't deliver him No he don't live here no more Shit like that

When they put the arrow Going backwards on your shit Yeah And I would go What the fuck I live there And then they would have them For like an address And like Jersey

Like they went online For an adj And they come up with Like why would you send this To Fairview New Jersey That's the address we had No you didn't I live in LA

Why would I put fucking a North Bergen address That's what they would do to me So you go down there And come home with like 800 What? Oh God But you had to wait

Once a year Like you had to like You know Because if you went every other week You look like a fucking pauper Well I was gonna say But the after department Always fucked up your checks

And this is what pissed me off About those motherfuckers What they do They always got the address To bill you, correct I'm not a poop All their bills Always come back

without the hand. Everything else came back. They're another motherfucker. They dig through a computer and look for your old addresses and send them there on purpose. So, because after 90 days, the check is null and void. You think it's a scam? Dude, I wouldn't be surprised.

Who do you think you'd deal with? Joy Bananas? I finally had to figure, when you're broke, you figure that type of shit out. You're like, how come they didn't lose any other check but my big one? Right. For 120 fucking days. Maybe the production company, who the fuck is? You know, but the production company has to send the check to SAG.

SAG recuts the check and send it to you. Are you serious? Yeah. Very seldomly you got to check on the production every once in a while. Those are the mistakes I would get. Checks from production companies that would send them to you. And Doug, when you're broke, you know all the protocols. So when you do a commercial, you got to check within 30 days.

They suck dick. But if you do a TV or a film, you should be getting your money in 10 days. So now you signed the paperwork and you gave the control of your agency to take that check. Well, guess what they're going to do? They're going to deposit and tell you they never got dick. I would have the producers on the other line and go, listen, before you say what you're going to say, I want you to think about what you're going to say. You better think about what you're going to say.

I got, what's your name? Liam, Liam. I got Liam from partners, whatever. They just came to New Jersey. Entertainment partners. Liam, tell my manager when he sent the check, you know, June 1st, it's June, it's July fucking 1st, why don't I have my check?

Well, we never got it. Liam, did they get it? You should see how many people I caught in that. They sent it. And then I found out they were sending the checks after three days. Like, if you shot and you caught the fucking pay period right, like if you shut on a Tuesday,

you got a check on Friday. Your agent would sit for a month and a half. Listen, I'll tell you what I'll do. I'll give you an extra 2%. Just mail me to check when I get it because I'm over here starting. 2%. Yeah, whatever.

That's a lot of percent. What they're going to make on $600? Oh, yeah. That's $600 check. That's scale. Yeah, but what about if you think they're doing this with you, I was just thinking about the guys. Hello?

And you have 200 fucking clients. What about the people who are on like, you know, like those shows that are on for 10, 20 years? If you're getting these kind of checks, they must be getting 50 checks a day. Like those people who were on movies or shows forever? Yes. Holy shit. It's a fucking scam.

It's a fucking scam. Yeah. That was a part 15 years ago where I went to this agency. And one day, I would sit on a side every fucking Sunday. Six o'clock. I don't give a fuck what's going on. You got a computer? Yeah.

Okay. 601 I'm on SAG I would see like 20 checks came so I call SAG and I'm like hey you know my ID number, data birth whatever the fuck you need address

you sent those checks to me but I haven't got one of them they're like hold on and they were like no we sent them to your agent and I go why would you do that and they go because they have a release

I ran to that agent and I go Doug, where's my money? And they're like, what money? And I go, let's go to the computer, this money. And they're like, oh, yeah, yeah, we take that. And we take 10% and I go, you didn't book that. Oh, no. You didn't book that.

I'll take you to fucking court right now. You better undo that. Well, you signed the agreement. I don't give a fuck what I signed. How can you take commission on a job? You never fucking booked. How did they even get a check for something they didn't book? That's crazy.

They took that thing when I signed on with. with them. Whatever I was signing, they took them sent it to fucking sag. Jesus. And I called my lawyer, and he goes, no, no, no, no. They put that in after the paper. Because I always won that shit by my lawyer at the time. Always. You know, the guy from Goonies, fucking Ralphie's lawyer. Oh, they added someone to your contract after you signed it? They would send that paperwork in. They would forge it. Look, this motherfucker, you got to watch your paper like a motherfucker. People think it's just ha ha ha ha.

And you see Jay-Z jumping up and down in Paris. Even that guy's got to watch his money. Yeah. I don't care what level of entertainment you are or whatever. You have to watch your fucking paper constantly. And that's so sad for a guy like me who's like hoping one day to have an agent. Is that like there's people like there's there a scam. Every fucking year, three agents, three agents and two managers.

go to jail. Every fucking year. If you look closely, we know somebody who threw his manager in fucking jail, Nick Totoro. Damn.

That motherfucker was taking everything. Everything, because they become your personal managers and they're like, okay, I'll handle everything and you're like, oh, yeah,

the spotlight is great. And meanwhile, they're eating lobster tails. Yeah. Like, are you talking about, like, paying their regular bills? I don't understand that at all.

How hard is it to set auto-pay? You are so fucking, tied up as an entertain. There's a lot of people who are in comedy or acting or music that listen to this. There's a level that you get to, it's $60,000 a year. People are going to try to rob you at every,

you know, it's like I feel bad for like, what about the guy caught that was my Apple guy? Oh, yeah. Remember with the missing hand? This motherfucker no one of the missing hand. Somebody cut it off from stealing. Oh, no. We got to take him to court. You don't end.

for what he settled for it was like. He was just, but I could feel it because when we didn't have the podcast, the numbers were great. And all of a sudden, the podcast booming, everything's selling, except my CDs. Are you fucking stupid? And we kept asking him,

oh, no, no, sales have been down. I do Rogan, I remember those days, that first album I did live at fucking the three aces. Yeah, three clubs. I remember. Nobody even fucking talked to me back then. I'd done the longest yard, and this dude

talked me into doing a CD for his company. I put that thing on Apple. I think I sold three of them in five years. I swear to God. One night I'm having dinner in Vegas, and my text goes off, and that's that guy. And he goes, I'm sending you a check for $1,900. And I fucking got up and called him.

I go, what are you talking about? And your checks are always $9, $8,50. And he goes, I don't know, you did something, and all your CDs sold out or something. I had gone on Rogan. Okay. Every time early on those shows in those days, they bought everything. And he kept, so after that, I went on Rogan 25,000 times.

And he's telling me, oh, he just sold three CDs. So I signed with that dude, and I said, look into that. This motherfucker came by and goes, dog. This motherfucker, no one of these got a missing aunt. That's great. because he started dating a young girl. And when I met him, he had like a shitty car. And when I met him the second time,

he had a convertible Audi. Don't go from a shitty car to an alley. Yeah, you don't go from a shitty car to a convertible out. So I knew something was not right. And then the chick broke his heart. He went deep. You had to go to psychotherapy and sell the car, reminded him of her and shit.

I wish I was lying to you guys. It was not good. Was he stealing the money to pay for stuff for the girl? I think he was just stealing the money to impress to grow. And like, you're going to get, bro,

you're going to get that a lot. I was with an agency once that he didn't rob me, but there was an agent that seemed very nice. And one there, they took him out of there with handcuffs. He was, bro,

there's a thousand ways to rob a client. And what do you think? Do you think it's just so easy for them that they're like, they're never going to notice it's just too much temptation? Okay, you sign with a manager. Right.

And the guy sells you on, take care of everything. Okay. We get your plane tickets, hotels, rental cars. You give me your card. Three years, nothing ever happens. Then one day they get an assistant.

Right, okay. Now he's got access to your cards. Now you're seeing bowling, $89. You haven't bowled since high school. You know what I'm saying? Like, shit like that. That's how it starts. And if they get away bowling once or twice, then they'll take it for dinner. And then they'll take it for another dinner.

And then next thing you know, you're financing plane tickets to Alaska. It's never happened to me. But it's happened to three or four comics I don't know. Is that because you have your wife, like, to help you in a lot of ways that a lot of maybe some other comments don't? No, that taught me that I would book my own plane tickets. Even today. Oh, the plane tickets, yeah. Even today, I still look at my own plane tickets and book them.

Even today, I do all that shit. And obviously not. I can't. I don't have the heart to go, Lee, do me a fair. get me a plan and then you have to call me back and go well there's a 730 a 9 30 and an 1130 all right what time do we get back Sunday and then you call me back well the 730 is not a vet I can't do that to the human being that's just not that's just stupidity and is it really stupidity I can't do that go back and forth to a fucking stupid fucking plate ticket it takes longer it takes a lot longer and like

it takes too much of my time that's what people say to me how come you never got in the system because by the time I taught you the method You're going to have a fucking heart attack. Because there's no method. It's just hustling. It's just get on the computer, do this. You're looking at dates. You got to check the hotel to see if they got a midnight room service.

That's the first thing I look at. When we go to Boston and shit, you got something for me to eat. How many times you go back to the hotel? You're starving. They got potato chips. They know over everything. Even nice hotels have nothing. Forget it.

I want to see the menu. I want to see the late-night menu. It's always going to have a stupid fucking cheeseburger. You know that. They're always going to have a warm cheeseburger. chocolate chip cookie, which I don't know why I would just get one cookie. Tell me, I got a bags of chips of hoy for this small 20. Bring it up. Bring it up. Why you, you know what I'm saying? Like, wait till somebody opens up one of those hotels that you fucking pick your own

midnight menu, like a prison menu. You send them at 11. You look at your remote. What's coming on? The Twilight Zone fucking eyes wide shut. I'm up till four. Fucking, okay, let me get a salami sandwich with baloney and fucking American cheese. lettuce, mustard, put the mayonnaise under the fucking whatever, because I want the mustard on the salami. You know, and you sit there like Norton, eating fucking that's, I love, I just, and you know what, guys, I swear to my mercy, none of the 10 times, I don't eat.

But I just want to know if I can't sleep and I roll a joint and I go downstairs at two in the morning, when I go down to smoke that joint, I'm thinking about that. I already looked at the menu. I already know what I'm going to order. this is just kicking up those taste buds a little bit. You know what I'm saying? Dude, I know, I mean, you haven't been on the road that much in the last year or so,

but I've been out and, like, not at shitty motel, like hotels. Even if they have restaurants, they're not usually open all night. There's almost nothing. That's what I'm fucking saying to. That's why I'd rather pick a hotel that has a late night. Right, no, I got it. What am I talking to my fucking selfie? No, I'm saying, I know that's what you want, but I don't know how many of them you're going to find.

Plus, you're not going to find a lot. It's the W, four seasons, maybe a Marriott. But you got to look at the fine print with the other hotels because they don't throw curbs at you. What are they doing? It's like frozen pizza. And shit like that. We have pizza.

We have burritos. And you're like, oh, then you get there. But let me tell you something. If there isn't anything I miss from L.A., it's a lot of food. But I could go for two of those frozen burritos from the bodega, two of those bean and cheese motherfuckers later tonight. You mean 7-Eleven? What are you talking about?

Not 7-11. Like one of those Mexican? places they had those little frozen burritos. I didn't know they had those. Fuck yeah. Even the fucking fruit, like the little, yeah. Yeah. A little meat, a little fucking, I would never do the pork,

and I ain't going to lie to you. But it's so crazy how as a comic, as an entertainer, you think, wow, once I get up there, my life's going to ease up. Fuck you. You got to work harder. You got to keep your eyes more open.

You got to watch more shit. That's where the mental stress comes from. It's not just writing jokes anymore. Right. You know, when that agent calls you and says, hey, how you doing? Good. Listen, I got a great date for you. July 24, 25th, and 26th.

And you're like, okay. And you take it. And you get there and it's like, man, you should have been here last weekend. People were everywhere. This is Black Biker and Midget Parade weekend. And you're like, ooh. No one comes out that weekend. Why did I come here?

And then you don't know, so you don't even go, hold on one second. Let me see if they have a direct flight. Right. You don't know. You say, yeah, ready? They signed the thing, and all of a sudden you're like,

direct flight. You got to fly to Mongolia and then back to fucking Newark and then up to Canada. You know, you don't know these things. Right. You get burnt like four or five times. You're like, I'm not saying yes, ever.

I'll call you back in five minutes. I'm at a computer. I'm checking the hotels. I'm checking the late-night men. you, I'm checking the fucking Uber's. You have to check everything. Because then they'll get you, okay, and then you get there, it's an hour from the hotel.

They're only paying you $500. Right. It just costs you $75 each way. That's $150 out of $500. You don't know this shit. So there comes a time you have to check everything. You learn. And then one day you make a checklist.

Fuck it. I'll call you back in 10 minutes. Right. Why? Because I've got to cover my bases too. I've got to check to see if it's a midget funeral or some shit before I go to this weekend. Because if not, that's what they keep saying that shit to you.

Last week, the helicopters were dropping people off. There was people everywhere coming to the shows. Meanwhile, you have 10 people at your show or something. You got eight people and one of them's a half a midget. Yeah, and because you were talking about managers doing it for you. And I know you were busy and I know there's people who are very busy. But do you really think there's someone you're that busy that you can't book a flight? like that doesn't make sense to me

that I couldn't in the back of an Uber and I know it's like I can but I don't want to but that doesn't make Am I a control freak for doing that or do I just want to know what I'm walking into? I want to know what I'm walking into what if all this shit if we go back and forth for two hours

I get up I go to Newark and you're like no it was LaGuardia right yeah do you follow all this shit that's why I don't like You want to do business, you call me. You want to show me your tities?

Text me. Okay, you want to say good morning? Text me. Anything business-wise, jump on the fucking call. So there's no misunderstandings. Get on the fucking call. Get on the call. But then do you ever worry people are going to, like,

say that you said something that you didn't or they're going to say they didn't say something? Write it down. You have to take notes when you talk to these people. Do I have a hotel? No, confirmed. Okay. How far from the airport to the thing?

Oh, that's about two hours. Is somebody going to pick me up? No, don't even ask. Just assume, what time is the club manager going to pick me up? Got it. Oh, we don't do that. No. Oh, shit, you don't?

Okay. I got a tech time. And you don't, because you want the gig. Right. And then they'll keep doing that to you. And then the word gets out. Now you're half a fag. Now you're driving from airport to airport.

So these are things I learned. And I didn't care because I did comedy for nine years. But after nine years, but after nine years, nine years I got into the comedy store. Once I got into the comedy store, listen, here's the deal. I'll take the cheap payment, but you got to take a little fucking care of me. I'm not up here

playing a fucking violin or harmonica or putting a fucking wig on. I'm one of the Marines. I may not be a big time of today, but I'm going to be somebody so you want to take care of me today. And that's what you have to tell these people. If not, you could sit at home and do the comedy

seller. Right. Or stand or Gotham or whatever your home is once you're confident you're like what am I losing on these idiots for was it hard to make the jump from like doing comedy and then like making it a business like to change that mindset because how many times can you get fucked in the ass

a lot you've been jealous yes okay how old were you when you were jealous constantly still till today yeah okay As a Spanish kid, when I was like in the sixth or seventh grade, I used to get so jealous, I'd like curtains on fire and stupid shit like that.

Okay. I never let anything on fire, but... And then I got that Cuban machismo to me. And I knew that wouldn't work in the real world. Like, I just knew it. So I had to lose those type of emotions for me to move forward as a man, you know? With comedy, you never really know.

You never really know. But then again, I've always been a savage. I became a super savage when I got off the cocaine. And I started looking at life at what the fuck are we doing? What is the most important thing at my age? What is it doing this? Is it doing that? No, it's trying to become a person, trying to get some money.

Everybody has money in the bank. At 45, I had no money in the bank. I had $21 one day and be at $112 the next. Then I jop it up again to $38.50 because I have to deposit my sag checks in there. And then one day, my wife, it was about five years in, my wife asked me to look at my schedule. And she goes, let me see your schedule. And she goes, why are you doing that gig? That on, that one, that one.

And she goes, I want you to cancel that, that, that, that, that, that. you're just killing yourself to live. It's not worth it. You have the comedy store. You always have the comedy store. You're doing these gigs. Some of them you make money, but you're losing money. Right.

Between the gas, your time, the drive, the tolls. You're losing money. And then I just applied it to everything. Movies, TV, life. It's a fucking discipline in a way where you, what's the most important thing to you? To me at the time was becoming, a great comic. So when you

ask me to go to do something stupid, I don't have time for that. Do you mean stupid? Waste of my time compared to what I could be doing at night. My daytime, I don't give a fuck what you, I'll do

whatever you want in the daytime. But if it's between me getting on stage or me going to something that you and your friends are going to the waste time, even though you're a comic. And then I'm just waiting for you to come to me one day and go, man, my career, ta, ta, ta, ta, ta.

But you had the time to go to a Yankee game and jump up and down three nights in a row for the World Series. Who gives a fuck? You could have watched it at home and done your spots. These guys were there that night. Watching the crowd. Now they're not, you know what I'm saying? I'm just saying the Yankees.

I mean anything. No, I totally get it. Movies, anything. Like that was, like it becomes a business. You know, I see these comics that think that they're going to go on stage and say something so disgusting or so off-color. They're going to piss the audience off and walk out. Okay, again, what's that expression? You won the war, but you lost a battle?

Other way around. You won the battle, but you lost a war? Right. That's what you just did. This is a business. So why am I going up there and trying to piss my audience off? Right. It's crazy when people do that.

Okay, so there's all these things that you start looking at things and going, I'm getting too old for this dumb shit. Hold on, let me cut my beard off and leave side chops and cut an eyebrow off. You could just be funny and write a joke. Right. So after why, you just learn how to trim the fat off. And then you trim it off a life. And that's when it gets fucking really fun.

That's when it gets really fun. Why? Because two nights ago I was talking to George. and I swear to my mother's grade. On the way home, I go, I did the show on the 27th, and today's the 29th. I'm 62 years old, and I'm like,

the rent is due. 62. I don't even pay rent. I pay state taxes. But in my mind, in my fucking mentality, it's Saturday night. The rent is due. I swear to God,

It was between me watching the UFC. That's how my mentality is. Like I was like, I got time to watch this shit. But I'm like, yeah, I got paid last night. You know what I'm saying? But in my mind today, I'm like, tomorrow the rent is due. Chop, chop, motherfucker, because Friday's the fourth. And what do you eat?

That means it's a double banger. It's like Christmas and New Year's. You ain't got time. You ain't got time to bleed, bitch. Do you know what I'm saying? I mean that's the truth And George is talking to me about something I go rent is due on Tuesday George right

And the conversation ended That's it That's all we need to talk about right now The rent is due You got the Yankees or not You got the Red Sox You got the over Because everything else is nonsense

Everything else is nonsense And I'm not saying I disagree with you But when you say that to people I know people will say to you Yeah but you got a little life you gotta go to a gang team. Yeah, good, good. Let me know. Let me know when you're playing your minimum payment on your credit card and you could have been doing something. Because there's

nothing worse. I'm dealing with somebody right now who had a huge opportunity to do a ton of things, you know, and he's crying now. He's crying a lot because he wasted time. And there's nothing like wasting fucking time. Okay, there's nothing, and there's nothing worse than being my age and going, fuck, I should have took that job in 92. Right now I'm starving, because I didn't take that job in 92.

I made a mistake 30 years ago that I'm suffering for right now. And we all think we're cute. Yeah, I got a couple thousand in the bank. I'm going to take a couple days off, buy some drinks, get a hat, make believe I'm somebody I'm fucking not. And you come back and what happens?

Your car explodes. Your fucking car explodes. Or you lose the job. And you lost your job because you can't get to your fucking, you can't get there unless you got a fucking Chinese guy and you're going to whip in a rickshaw. Do you know what I'm saying? So now you're like, ah, that shit, bro,

I still think of shit. I still, that's why I take these fucking gigs. Because I don't want to be 65 and Mercy can't have a bicycle. And I'm like, fuck. They offered me Atlantic City, but I had an ego. There ain't no ego when you got a kid. Right. There ain't no ego.

You don't have to fuck up pretty bad for Mercy not to be able to get up. How many times you go to a strip club and have those women's a fucking moms? They got a stretch mark. They got a half a titty. the drug dealer father, stab them. They're there. Selling that ass. Do you think that's what they want to do?

No, they grew up in 18 at kind going, I don't want to go to college. I want to be a stripper and have some chubby guy named Joey. He stabbed me in the ass. You know, suck dick. No, but they had a kid. They made a mistake. And now they got to make two mistakes.

Got it. You already fucked up with the kid. You let some guy ratio. Yeah. And now he's nowhere to be found. little fuck. You know what I'm saying? He went back to Saudi Arabia. Horatios from Saudi Arabia? Ice took him. I don't fucking know. With your luck, ice will take you back. You know, you fall in love and everything is great. You're meeting in Hudson County Park to eat corn. It's all of a sudden.

Ice is selling it to you and shit over there. Dude, you have a whole life invented for this couple. That's ice selling corner over Hudson County right now. I drove by. They got a little net. They're hidden. Last time I was hiding there. It was when Bernard King was playing basketball at the courts. You can see them. They even have a sign now that says come get the corn. That means that ice is by that corn machine waiting like a motherfucker.

They're in that fucking jungle, that little lake over there like Rambo in part two when he came out of the mud and he stabbed the rush into the neck. Ice is hiding in the mud. Dog, you want to make a bonus? That's all you got to do is call ICE and go to Hudson County Park on Sunday. They're all up there. soccer just bring the big bus bring the big bus and shit

no they don't play no more Batchie they took the court down no it's over they don't play Batchie no more it was on Bergen line they took they took it up yeah fucking 15 years ago where you've been across the street from Jan Michael Vincent from Vincent bicycles get it together George come on we're here today we're live

it's fucking wherever the fuck we are but yeah that's it they're hiding Hudson County I saw them today. They're in the trees. They got the Subaru's down on the edge water. Why were you hiding in the park? Huh? Why were you hiding in the park? Different purposes.

I can't believe you're driving around just like, reminiscing it. Oh, I was hiding in that park. I don't want to go to jail, but I've been driving around looking for ice. I see where they're going to be this week. They're going to be down by me, so I went for a little ride today looking for one. Why are you testing ice? I'm not texting them.

No, testing. I want to see them in action. I want to see how they do it. What have they pulled you over? I got a beard in a funny disguise and a driver's license. That's fucking Chad Johnson. Chad Osce. Oh, my God.

That's crazy. But you know what, man, we haven't discussed what we experienced Thursday and Friday nights. We had a nice... Listen, man, I didn't have this set I wanted to have. But everything else was so fucking great. Our families met. We had eight different families there,

22 different generations. You know, it was just, I would have had food, if I would have known. I would have had an ice cater afterwards, some Ziti. Next time, now we know. What a fucking great theater. Dude, it was really greatly.

Well, thank, I appreciate, I didn't feel like I had the set, because let's back up for people who don't know. He did Prudential. Well, Thursday, we always have a great time of the dojo. No, we did NJPack. We did the dojo Thursday. There's a walnut, with warm up, a walnut, a warm up, which is always, it's a great little room.

Oh, yeah. You know, everybody has a good time. He puts out food, you know, I forget what his name is. It always blasts. Mike at the Dojo. Mike Dojo is the fuck. That's his name in my phone. Mike Dojo, so.

But Friday is what we were talking about. We did Prudential Hall at NJ. Pack, which. Hold on. Hold on. I'm sorry. Thursdays are something special over there. They're becoming something very nice over there. It's going to be hot in the summer.

I'm getting the surgery. For you guys who keep saying, why does Joey have a band-aid? Every week, I get three people. Why do you have a band-a-a-because it doesn't fit on my asshole? How's that? I got an extra band-aid. I got a thing in my ear. So tomorrow, July 1st, they're going to rip it out, shoot Botox in my ear to kill the hair underneath.

That's all. all infected, then they're going to fucking take skin off my leg. No, they're going to stitch it. So this eye's going to be a little pulled up. So this eye's been fucked up. This is going to be like, I'm thinking about suicide. But I haven't written the letter yet. You know what I'm saying?

The early stages. So that's fucking tomorrow for you people who are concerned about Uncle Joey and his aging little heart. My heart's fucking great shape. Even whoop has been sending me messages that my resting heartbeat is going down, that my cardio vascular is off the system. It is. I'll tell you guys later, I can't brag here

because people are like karate chop me in shit. That's awesome. And then next Thursday, they're going to yank out this tooth, this tooth, and this tooth, and this cocaine thing. So this is going to be out of commission for the whole weekend of the 11th. That's why I'm going to see Theo on the 9th in Philadelphia.

because that's my last rah-rah night. Then Thursday, there's a jih Tzu guys coming in to do a seminar, so at first I thought it was Thursday the 10th, but it works out. It's July the 11th. So they're going to rip this tooth out, these, and they're going to put a set of braces like a jelly row for like a month. And then in September, they're going to put this row in,

and then in like November they're going to put this row in the teeth. And by December, I could eat fucking... Spare ribs. Congratulations. Are you looking forward to it? Oh, yeah. I've been counting the days. I can't wait till they shoot needles in my mouth

and fucking stitches and fucking, you know, blood. And the guy's yanking. Because this is a 62-year-old molar. This ain't coming out with like a little thing, think, think, think. No. This is like the guy who wears a helmet. He's got like a toe drop and they put it on there. They got to keep numbing it.

Pull! And it's like fucking pull. What's that? What's those two fags in the moon? movie about social media, Facebook. Oh, the social network? Remember they wrote a little bite, the whatever twins, the bobsy twins. Oh, geez, the bobsy twins.

Pool, pool. That's me. So that's that poor little. He's a little rushing guy. He's like five foot two. He's going to have a hell of a day. And I'm going to put the seatbelt on the fuck with him. He's going to have his foot on my neck. I cannot do this. Yeah, keep pushing, Bruno. Keep pushing, Boris. Oh, my God.

So that's July 11th. So I got a softball tournament a week. I don't even think I'm going down. I'm just going to wrestle like a fucking thing on my head. And then I'm just going to recuperate for a few weeks. Then we come back in August, like herpes. Bam, it'll be nice and not. We'll do a couple pop-up shows.

And then we're ready for fucking Philly to 27th. And then we pop on on a fucking flight. I talk to some people. I'm talking to some people, you know what I'm saying? They're going to take us right to Fort Lauderdale, they'll drop us off in a helicopter. No way. They're dropped off in parachutes.

Oh Am I going to have like the Israeli flag On my parachute? He's getting six parachutes One of them is not going to open We already know We already know that You can't kill a Jew in this climate

You know what I'm saying It's got to be something like an Argentinean We got to bring somebody else for this Why does someone have to die? Because why make it fun It's like Randy Rhodes You know what I'm saying Somebody died

Now we got to do the comedy show depressed No No, no. I'm just fucking with you guys. I know. And I don't know the exact dates for the other gigs. I know it's sometime in November.

We have two shows in one month, but it's like Virginia and Maryland. It's like, I know it's, I don't know, Harris maybe. Why am I lying to poor people? They're sitting there taking notes going, where are you traveling?

I have no idea. Right now I've got Philadelphia and Fort Lauderdale. That is it, Jack. And I'm happy about that. Keep me tuned up. Listen, man, I'm trying my fucking artist, and it's so weird how after the show, like on the way home,

all the material I forgot, just miraculously started blowing out of my ass. Like, you know, it's such a fucking mind fuck. And you and I were talking about this morning how I was doing great for like 22 minutes and I was still stepping on my lines. I'm like, God damn it, why am I fucking doing this? This line belongs to this joke. I was Russian. I didn't know what I was.

I was doing, and you know what, but I still had a great time. I felt the heart from those people, and I tried to give it back, you know. Listen, that's all you could do is a stand-up comic. So, like, you skipped to, like, the end. We didn't talk at all. Like, it was a great fucking, dude, first of all, Prudential Hall was beautiful. And, like, the whole, like... Is it Prudential Hall or NJ. Pact?

The NJ. Pack is, like, the group, and there's rooms within NJ.Pack. the room we were in was called Prudential Hall. It was a 28 and 8, 2860 something, 20. I mean, I didn't expect to see all those people. I ain't gonna lie to you. Dude, I didn't even. Those tears of people going up and up. I didn't even see that.

I hope nobody jumps off, this motherfucker. Four T. Yeah, there was four tears. That's a lot of fucking seats. And listen, I'm fortunate. It was in my backyard. There was a lot of New Jersey support in there that night. A lot of love from Jersey people.

and I fucking thank him with all my art, you know. My daughter got to watch it. That picture you sent me? That's a great picture. Of her watching? Yeah, her like enthused, watching it. I looked at it. I'm like, Jesus Christ.

Dude, I can't tell you, A, knowing you for so long, knowing her since she was a kid, like how cool it was just as, and Terry being there too, but just like to know what you've done with Mercy and it likes to, because she's come to a few shows,

and she always has a lot of fun. And so like, yeah, oh yeah, she always. I like, when she came on stage, I grabbed her. Like, you can stand right here. And she just loved it. When I was a kid, my mom had that bar. And when I first got to McKinley, you know, I was like one of the only Cuban kids.

And on Friday, so you're supposed to do the Ecology Club. Okay. After school, we're supposed to go to the Ecology Club. And the other half would have to go to George, the place in Union City that you wanted me play across from the four-star diner. But what's the Catholic school that's back there? That's a Catholic something back there.

There was a church. I think they had Larry McNeil's father there. But behind there, there was a catechism. So either you got to go to that or... Ecology class. What were we talking about? Oh, so on Fridays, I would go to my mother's bar after catechism.

And I would always bring three kids. And my mother would always go, let him sit at the bar and give him a cope with a cherry in it. I still talk to two of those kids today. And every time at the end of the conversation, they're like, dog, I still remember going up to your mother's bar and sit at the bar

with grown people and feel like an adult for fucking 10 minutes. I remember walking out of there and going home, Dean LePreet told me he went home, he used to go home and beat up his brother because he goes just out of fucking principle. I would go home and light him up because I felt like a man.

And that's the same thing. You've given that little window of them feeling like an adult. Not even an adult. She knows she's a young woman. She knows it. They give her that feeling just for two or three hours. Then we take it back from her. But she remembers that.

She's like, dog, I was out. People were drinking. I smelled Rifa. You know, she's not fucking stupid. And I don't want her to be raised. I wanted to know what this shit is. Right. And I, there is a part of that, but I also think, like, she was just so proud of you.

Like, she just likes seeing you do your shit. Like, yeah, she feels like an adult, but I think she, it's like, also like, you know. She's my daughter. Yeah. I didn't want to hide anything from her. Listen, you don't want to hide shit from your fucking kids because you're going to pay for it later on. And they're going to come out, you can go, why aren't you ever tell me? And, okay, you don't lose the relationship.

But somewhere along the line, I'm like, why would you tell me about something like that? Right? Were you scared? Were you ashamed? Were you... So I wanted to know the truth. The truth, the nothing but the truth. When she told me she was talking to a girlfriend on the phone and she whipped out my book and read the first paragraph to a little 12-year-old friend, and they both started fucking crying. They had to close the book up. That's... I don't mind. I don't mind. She knows. She's so retarded, though.

when we got home that night, she goes, she said something to my wife, we're eating the muffins, and she said to my wife, when I got old, I'm not going to drink cocaine. And then my wife's just... What? Just out of nowhere? That's fantastic.

She's like, yeah, when I got old, I'm never going to drink cocaine. And we're like, okay then. Drink cocaine, you know what I'm saying? What do you say to that? You just, they took something. from it. From what?

They just... I'm going to tell you the creepiest story, guys. I'm going to tell none of you motherfuckers. I went to PS-166, but around the corner, when I was growing up, was PAO. Went on 88th stream and answered

damn, and you signed up, and some of them taught you out of box. You shot pool. They taught you out of smoke cigarettes. Didn't matter if you were five or six. But one of the earliest things they did was they took us to a trip to the police station. This is when they cared about the kids in the precinct.

And what they did was, was they showed you what a cop did. So as you got older, you were their friend. Why don't they do that today? To save fucking $10? Do they not do that anymore? No. Why would they bring a kid to a police station and show them what happens when you go to jail

and let them get fingerprints in? Put them in the fucking holding tank. Give them a holding lunch with the old salami. Oh, I didn't get a lunch. When they're six or seven, and then let them ask stupid fucking questions. You don't want to scare them straight, but we were so young and the world was different, they let you shoot a 22. No, these are not.

Into a fucking target, and you took the target home with you. Dog, I'm never to forget this shit. They also gave you like a junior G-man badge, but they also did a thing about drugs. At the time, I knew my godfather smoked weed. And, you know, they're like, if you know anybody who smokes pot, turn them in and I'm like, I'm fucking turn them. I'm like, I'm fucking kidding. So I went home with my mom.

I showed my mom the fingerprints and she said, she goes, what they teach you? Like I talked about drugs and pot. She goes, did you say anything? I go, no, no, no. I just, and like two days later, that bitch showed up with a fucking baggage. And she had coke, and she had weed,

she had pills, and a little bit of brown heroin. And she goes, this is what they look like if you want to know, just so you know. Just so nobody else could tell you otherwise. This is what it looks like. If you have any questions, ask them now. And I was like, no. And she took them away, and that was it.

But it took that, because I was going to be at a bar all the time with it. She owned the bar. So she didn't want you sitting there fucking like a goofball, you know, because you hear things. Unless you're deaf as a child. Right. You hear things. You hear, you know, little things.

As you get older, they talk without the dog being close. You know, they do certain things that now you hear things and now you can't explain them in your head. Especially with, like, the internet these days, you can't really hide anything from kids. No, and you've got to, listen, when that little girl told me that she knew about my other daughter,

when she told my wife, my wife fucking ran upstairs and called me right away. And she's like, she said she's known for three or four years, five years. And never said nothing. Does she just save it for like the right moment? That's even the creepiest thing I've ever heard in my life. That's fantastic. And I asked her.

She said, I heard you on the phone one time. And I went online and looked it up and there she was. And I've been to places where people pop up the picture and they'll go, is that mercy? And I'll just look at them and go, no, no, no. That's a little girl I bumped into 20 years ago. And she would sit there and see that picture for her not to say nothing. so she knows and I wanted her to know

why are you hiding this shit from your kids for I can't tell everything like I'm not going to show a fucking dildo she's 12 I mean on the way home I asked if she wanted to go to the strip club on the way home from what the show yeah I've asked her both nights you want to listen I know the bartender

I'll give it 50 bucks just go in there look around look at the women and decide right now what you want to do with your life and she was like dad I already know what they do this strip club. That's what kids remember.

They're not going to remember all the other shit. They remember shit like that. When they're at a bar and their stupid friends like my dad once smoked a vapor, listen. You know what I'm saying? Let me tell you about this motherfucker I lived with. You know, and that's where they, you know, talk their shit. Yeah.

Nobody wants a dad that's a fag. You know what I'm saying? Nobody wants a dad that's a fag. What did your dad do? He played with Legos? Yeah. You know, he was a dad. Did he ever banged mom?

Did you ever see your mom come out of bedroom with a wig off? I told Mercy like two years ago, mercy, you think I should give Mommy some loving tonight? She goes, as long as I don't have a sibling the next day. Oh my God. That's wild.

Yeah, dog, I'm not in that because the world is quick and you don't want your kid getting thought. I remember being a kid and people told him. me do you come yet and I'm like seven and they're like you don't come yet and I'm like no what is that and they're like stuff comes out of your dick you can write your name on it for years that's fuck to me I'm like I can't wait to be 13 to write and come my name on the wall I couldn't even write a letter you know what I'm saying yeah disgusting but this is the shit older kids tell you and now you believe that shit oh yeah especially and now you got to say it one day in front

when you're 13. Yeah, I came on the wall and everybody looks like, shut the fuck up, you idiot. And next thing you know, you're on the B team, you know what I'm saying? Right. They move you down, listen,

you can hang out with us no more until you get your shit together. Sent down to the minors? That's it. Holy shit. It's tough, man, but... And do you see her, like, not falling for shit

her friends are falling for? Do you see, like, the fruits of your labors? Yes, no. Yes, he won't listen to me. Like when I start going off, like she watches friends and she knows I hate that fucking show. So anytime I can piss on friends,

I'll do it and she just shakes her. But she won't quit watching friends. And I respect her for that. She won't go, yeah, Dad, it sucks. Fuck, no, she's in there. And when I knock on the door, she's like, what are you doing, friends? I'm like, Jesus Christ, close the door, Dad.

That's it. That's it. Yeah, like I say shit. she knows, man. They all know. We all knew our parents that creepy things. We might not even remember.

You know your dad was a creeper's or. That motherfucker had playboys in the basement. He hit them inside pizza cans and shit. But I didn't know back then, but like now, I like looking back, I remember smelling weed through the heating vents. That's it.

You didn't see none of his pornography collection? Only was a little boy collection or nothing. You didn't see his little fucking dick. His little ditty collection. There was no ditty collection. But, yeah, there were some VHS tapes. Yeah, everybody. That's it.

Did you ever pop one in it? Of course. I would rewind it back to where it was. Did you get a woody and stuff? Your face got all red and the shit? The red face, probably, but my face is usually red, but I have no idea. Yeah, it was. It was my introduction to it with VHS tapes.

That's why I don't like, I'm always home when she gets home from school. I watch you come in. I sit outside or I sit close, so I watch it come in. So I see what she looks like when she comes in, and then I feed her, and then she does whatever the fuck she wants. But I always thought that my worst times when I would come home and look around, the shit you found. That's the worst thing for a kid.

I used to find the creepiest things, you know, and then go, what the fuck? And then it's your fault for looking. But, like, do you also monitor, like, what she does online? Like, do you see her history and stuff? A mother does more than monitor online. Her mother does, I don't know what I'm doing. Right, but someone's looking at it. But I fucking talk to her a lot, and I talked to her about the video games.

Has anybody spoken to you? She's already told me about a situation that happened to her. So we're good. We're good now. We're good. You know, I don't want to, I don't know what I'm doing on there. I don't even if she plays roadblocks. Yeah, that can get creepy.

One of those. I don't know. I don't even know if it's Roblox. Yeah, that's one of them. And they're all creepy, but we know a guy, remember you met him, the guy in L.A. that made games. So before she downloads a game, my wife calls him, and he'll tell my wife whether the game is good for her to watch

or shitty for her to watch. It's a fucking great deal, so. Nice. That's awesome. It was great to see Terry, too. She was so happy And yeah, the show was awesome It took me

Like a minute Because I've heard from comics on podcasts Talk about like in bigger rooms like that That like the sound comes back at you in a way And it was like I've done theaters with you I like what Like the sound just came back like echoey a little bit And it was

It took me a few minutes of my set And then like towards the middle I really started to have a lot of fun You got loose to see a lot of people like that. It's like when you walk into a club, you're a park in New York City. You're like, oh, my God, let's get to the club, Mickey.

And you're walking, and all so you turn, and there's a fucking line of 800 people. And you're like, and also you take your breath away. Just the energy there goes, and you go, oh, my God. You're like, what do you want to do? And all of a sudden you get irritated, right away? Don't you get irritated right away? What do you want to do?

You want to wait on this line? I don't know. Where's my friend Sebastian? Sebastian is nowhere to be found. but to be honest with you I don't know if it was just because we came in the back I didn't see anybody

a couple people beeped at me as I was walking up but that's it I don't think I looked up because I don't normally look up at like a comedy show Nick put up a Instagram story today of like the four tiers

I swear to my mother's life I didn't know there were four tears I didn't look I didn't fucking know. Were you there when the guy came in? He goes, would you like to look at our theater? And I'm like, nope. Oh, I want to.

He goes, we put all this craftsmanship. He goes, you want all this craftsmanship? I know, I don't want to shit my pants. If I go out there now, I start judging. And pre, what's that called? Were you pre? You don't need to see shit. You just got to be funny.

Right. You want to see something like Cuban, say. No way or not. But it's a cuckool. But it was. it was so cool. Like everyone, they were so cool. All that, listen, when I spoke to Lee this morning,

we spoke at about 9.30. I had an appointment at 10.30. And we spoke about all the variables. We spoke about, I forgot the material, the sound, the feedback. There was some other thing we discussed. And at the end of the day, I just wasn't prepared. Do you know what I'm saying?

Like it was two weeks. I'd done it set the night before. I was still going to come up with like 20 new minutes of material. Obviously, it didn't fucking work. I had a substitute to the B shit. But at the end of the day, it's, you can, I hate when comics say that. Well, the echo, it goes back. Who gives a fuck?

You know what I'm saying? Just do your shit. No, yeah, I definitely, I got used to it. I also, I think. Lee, you did great. Well, thank you. It was a, it was a great show. Aaron Berg killed.

He's so fucking funny. Did you go out there and look at the theater before you? you went out there? No. Beautiful. And I wouldn't let you. We're from that old school. You need to see nothing.

No. Like the Cuban said, no way now. Ask it culu. That means don't see nothing. Look at your ass. You want to see something? Look at your ass. Don't see nothing.

But it's... And I know what you're saying. I'm not... Because I hate when you think you didn't have a good show and people try to convince you you did. But it looked like you were having a lot of fun out there for the whole time. Dog.

I'm leaving the house. saying to myself that it done, like three, five years ago before the pandemic, what was fucking me up so much was I was going up there and saying I can't fail. That was the wrong attitude. It was go up there, have fun, and fuck him in the ear.

What's that? Fuck him in the other ear. What movie is that? Fuck him in the ear. Fuck him in the other year. Good fellas are one of those stupid movies. My point is that stand up is about going up there,

eating an edible, some dope, whatever sets you loose. If it's a cocktail, if it's, what? Good fellows. That's really a line from Good fellows. I thought that was a joke. You know, I mean, God, stand up at the end of the day. You're supposed to go up there, you know, going like,

I mean, the back, the true attitude, if you're getting more than $100 a show for doing an hour, right? Let's say you're getting 300 a show for doing an hour. Your attitude is you're going up there and you're like, some idiot. I mean, that's the joke. That's why as you're walking to the stage, there should be nothing on your mind.

You've got to say two things to yourself. And it's funny. Some people are going to take it the wrong way because they take everything the wrong way. But like when you're getting 500 a show on a Tuesday or whatever, you're like, this fucking idiot. You know, they're paying me $500 to do something I would do for free.

Right. Or pay to do. When you do stand up, basically they're paying you for the gas, the tolls. That's what you're paying for. When you get there, you're like, they want to pay me how much to do this stupid shit?

I'll go up there and fucking flip around and blow bottle rockets out of my ass. As long as you're having fun, the audience is going to have fun. Right. Right or wrong. Now, at a different level, I'm walking out there going,

I can't believe these two people. thousand people showed up. They actually pay. You have to like be happy on the way up there. Like somebody's finally paying you. For 18 years you had to bring four people, an organ player,

go up at midnight, wait a year for a check. You know what I'm saying? And now for once, what do you have to be fucking sad about? And I think that sometimes with comedy or life, it's how you look at the situation. Because I

was the king of that shit. It's how you... I used to go to the doctor, scared. I'm gonna get a needle in my own. I'm the whole way there. You're just building up fear and anxiety. But at the time I get there, my hands would be... They would put the fucking paper towels in both my hands.

Now I go to the doctor like, I'm gonna torture the fucking chick who takes blood out of me. Well, something. But it's not the fear. You know, like before I go on stage, I told Nicknick a joke before I went up. I did the joke. the dumbest joke in the world

about Carvel Mr. Softie is my neighbor is so boring Mr. Softie stopped coming that's what you're supposed to be doing you know why

because I was high and I was giggling at myself I'm looking at you with the Auschwitz feet and I'm fucking dying a laughter but that's what it is it's the attitude it's not like

I'm gonna go up there and my sound is gonna ricochet who gives a fuck I don't need to hear shit I just need to fucking watch him laughing. I don't need to hear nothing. Right. I want to hear my boring jokes?

What I want to hear them for? I can talk to myself all day. Right. But that's why it's like, and you have to be hard on yourself, but you're being, people had a really good time at the show. And that's all that matters.

See, on the way home, I thought about that also. And I saw those people. I saw the people that came in the back. There was a lot of people in the back. I never met before. Gino's daughters. I never knew them before.

They were like, your nephew just went to meet with my dad. And I'm like, he's here. I showed him to, I don't know if you saw them. I never met these people before, but I can see her looking on their face. My friend Gabby, her niece came. I thought the tickets were for her.

And she goes, no, I have to give them my license. So she gave the niece her license. They let her in. I didn't know a lot of those people. But I could see that they were happy. Gabby's called me three fucking times. And said, she went backstage, Joe. You let her in and go, yeah, those are the passes.

You know, so that's what you look at. And, dude, it's like, because even if you have, like, a good set, like a B or B plus, A minus, there's always going to be, like, a better set or a better, it could have gone better. But that doesn't mean, like, you know, that it wasn't good or people. Because you, yeah, but you also, you said you wanted to do jokes you didn't do, you say that every time you go on stage. You also always always say, I have. have nothing this I don't know what I'm going to say to these people until I get up there

and start milking the vein I don't know shit and I don't do this time's I have to watch you guys and go oh fuck like thank God Aaron Burr goes up before me sometimes oh yeah say something about this kid and I go let's you go I could now I remembered that now and I do that at the dojo on purpose to get my memory going it's a discipline it's an exercise to get your coconut fucking thinking but when I'm in front of 20 other people there's no exercise there's executing. Big fucking difference. You see what I'm saying?

So that's what I meant. I'm mad that I got stuck. Do you think you got, you went to something you were more confident? Like I know, like the jokes you did were, no jokes, but like...

I forgot everything late. I forgot. Shit that I could go to that's very, like, New Jersey-ish. I forgot a ton of shit, man. Happens all the time. I know it does. And, you know, people go, well, you need to stop smoking reefer.

No. I'm going to smoke more fucking reefer from now on. So you guys, where are you this week anyway for the 4th of July? What are you going to do? For the 4th, it's my uncle's 80th birthday. I'm going back to Boston for a couple days. No, calm me up there. I've reached out for another week, but not this week.

Oh, say, can you see? Where you got any fireworks? What are we doing for the 4th? Yeah, we're going to watch fireworks. You didn't get to those Israeli fireworks? They go, boom. They go, just boom, they go bo-boom. Bo-boom two times.

You don't get any of those? Not yet, not. With a face of Netanyahu on it? No, no Netanyahu bombs. I have no idea what I'm doing for the Fourth of July. We're going to go to the city, but there's too many Jews in the city for the fort. That's got to scare you a little bit, you know what I'm saying? That's why you're going to Boston.

Huh, yeah. Who knows? I don't want to be in a building where we get bombed. or a fucking helicopter goes into it or something. And then... You're a glass half-full kind of guy. What? Glass half full.

Why is all this terrible thing's going to happen? It's the Fourth of July. People go crazy, people are angry. New York's got that new primary mayor. People are mad about that. If you got property in New Jersey, kick your mother out because you're about to make millions.

If your mother lives in the basement, tell a bitch, it's time to go, Jack. You know what I'm saying? We're making money. millions. I'll buy you a little hut in South Jersey wants to smoke clears. We're making big money in North Jersey now. Why? Because that guy, if he wins all those people. And Jack Chittarelli, the Republican, wins his governor, all those people are going to move to Northern New Jersey. Damn. Big money. You know what I'm saying? Everybody want to be doing a podcast. We'll open up an office,

some bitches. What are the bitches going to do? you want them to do. Help your girlfriend with the muffins. Listen, who would you eat a muffin from a topless chicken that gave you a muffin or some scotch at all from Starbucks with sunglasses and green hair? You know what I'm saying? That's what you need in your life.

It's a real easy choice. Would you like soy milk? Yeah, in my ass. That's where I want soy milk, all right? Well, no fucking soy milk. I want the real McCoy. But who goes to a toopless place to get a muffin? Well, that's what we're going to find out.

would you like to go to a topless muff muffin coffee place tomorrow they got them in Florida Topless coffee? They really have coffee? Yeah you pull up in the church's hot to be topless around What? What if they spill it on themselves? Who gives a fuck? They're titties, you know what I'm saying?

You take them to Texas and you get them rebranded That's what a fake tit was invented They got a Luchese company Like the boot company in Nashville, the Italians They got one down there for your titties Really? Remember tithes were invented at the University of Texas. I didn't know that.

Doug. Who invented titty? What are we doing here? What the f? Great movie. This is a real thing? Yeah. What, you know,

or Austin or Dallas, yes. Big money, Dallas, big tithes. Big money, big titties. Everybody went nuts and everybody in the club getting tipsy. So that's where the fake tit was invented. I learned something every week on this podcast.

That's what this podcast. That's what this. Some comedy routines are about you always go home with a ha-ha and a he-he and a fucking a mental note like I didn't know That tiddies were whatever invented down there Yeah, I don't know what I'm gonna do for the fourth I don't want to sit at home I don't feel like driving three and a half hours either having to drive back on fucking Sunday morning and What do you ever stop at Celia Cruz?

Fucking that's my favorite I go in there and get the Nathan's hot dog with the fucking French fries and they have the coconut ice that you pop in the little thing. Right. Tremendous. But I was just going to ask, you don't want to do like a grill, like put hot dogs and hamburgers?

How old are we now? How many fucking hamburgers and hot burgers? We just had the best hot dogs we're going to have. I'm going to sit there at somebody's house with some half fucking shitty hot dogs. They're ballpark. Oh, am I fucking excited?

They're not Georgie dogs. You know what I'm saying? Because you ain't got that type of class. That's true. You know, and they want to make you those scachad meatballs, those schachad fucking hamburgers, where they don't put no seasoning in it.

I don't want to do that again. Then potato salad, I don't want to do that again. Well, happy 4th of July, everybody. It's a good Friday. Now I'm bored Saturday and Sunday scratching my balls. I don't want to do that shit. Would you ever bring your own food to a barbecue? Like, if you knew someone's food stuck?

Oh, yeah. If I knew somebody's an anti-professional, you show up with your own shit, you know what I'm saying? If I know George's going to be there with American cheese slices from craft, Right. You got to show up with something. George thinks I'm going to let them forget that.

That's when it'll be on his tombstone. This motherfucker showed up to a barbecue with Long Island Italians with craft slices, the ones that you remove one. Then he wonders why I don't invite them back. Those aren't bad, though. If you're a communist, if you're in prison, not if you're in liberty, not if you believe in freedom. You know what I'm saying?

And let me ask you this, Joey. What year was this cheese? transgression like about five years ago six years oh okay I thought it was when you were in your 20s if I know that's why he got dumped five or six years he showed up with American cheese in front of our family their old school Italian that's it they pulled their aside and you got to give them walking papers 90 days they love me but they for cheese that's fucked up bro they've let people go for lunch old school Italian people Don't fuck around, dog.

There's some shit you just can't show up with. That's what I'm trying to always caution you. Could you get, like, let's say he went to the deli and got, like, nice, sliced American cheese. Like, they sliced it for him. First of all, he should have shut up with nice, fresh sliced cheese. And also, he knows he should have shut up with Mutsal. And some nice pepperoni bread or whatever the fuck.

But they don't have that there. Yeah. So you bring a little chivalry. but you dope it up a little bit, a little bit of mozzarella. Nice with the ball with the salt water. Right. With the mozzarella pimple water. Right.

You can't, and I love you, George, but you can't bring, this is making more sense, like a package of American cheese slices instead of like a ball of mozzarella. Okay, I thought you were making burgers. Unless your neighbor's friend is Chad or fucking, you know, Trutie. Yeah. You got, you can't split.

I don't know if that's a knife, George. That's a rough one. Yeah, I'll throw you off a less. I swear to God, man. You got no gigs this weekly, just tomorrow? I have tonight, yeah. Tonight? Or when this comes out.

Okay, and where you're at tonight? The comic strip at 8 o'clock. And it's a showcase. Yes. Go down there and support Lysayat tomorrow night at the comic strip. And let me tell you something else, ladies and gentlemen. This week is the 4th of July. With what's going on lately in the fucking world,

make it the best 4th of July, you know, put your fucking Nazi helmet on and get ready because some deep shit might happen or then again something might not happen. But the only thing that's supposed to happen is we're supposed to be the best Americans that we could fucking ever be. And that's all you could do.

Me, I don't vote, but I pay taxes. I pay taxes on reef, I do all the right things. I don't jaywalk. You know, I do all the right things. I did my crime, I did my time, I paid my debt to society, and what do you want from me? I got a warrant in Seattle, but fuck that.

That was 30 years ago, and I never got in trouble again, so who won that fucking dog fight? Hello? Anyway, happy 4th of July to you and your families. Appreciate the liberties that you have. Why are you at home watching stupid fucking games and getting ready for the jets?

Who gives a fuck? Go out there and be a fucking American. That's it. Trump is helping. He's cleaning out the country. He's helping you now. You got no more excuses. Why would I want to mow lawn?

Mexicans are going to mow lawn. White people are going to be in demand again. Thank God to Trump. That's it. But do you really want the job? That's next week's podcast. Do you really want the fucking job after Trump gets rid of it? Are you going to learn how to bake?

Are you going to learn how to clean the bathroom? No. Anyway, I love you guys. Happy 4th of July with your families. Stay black. get to support Lee tonight at the comic strip. What street? Lee, you're sitting there like, you don't even know what you're at.

Look at you. I don't know what street it's on. It's a comic strip in the Upper East Side. Comic Strip on the Upper East Side. I love you, motherfucker. Stay black. Have a great week. Hey, what's going on? Uncle Joe here. Listen, it's 4th of July weekend.

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